Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #242 with Shuffle T - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: September 17, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's EP 'Do You Know?': https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Android Homme | https://androidhomme.co.ukGet 20% off site wide with the promo code 'WORD20' at checkoutCalm | https://calm.com/wordGet 40% off a Calm Premium Subscription with unlimited access to Calm’s entire libraryManscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastShuffle Thttps://twitter.com/Shuffle_Thttps://www.instagram.com/shuffle__tADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Have A Word, the podcast, the greatest podcast on the planet, pound for pound, that is official, okay? First of all, before we start with our usual spiel, do us a favour, if you're watching this on YouTube, hit that subscribe button and hit that bell. We're closing in slowly on the 100k that gets a nice plaque, so do that for us, okay? Now listen, not only are we just the best group of lads on planet Earth, me and this fella we're comedians stand-up comedians and we're on two separate tours at the minute i'm doing my tour

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Go, Ed, get on me. Well, hello. Oh! What are you doing? I'm in a great mood, mate. You look like you're in a good mood, but then you've turned into a not good mood with that face. What's that about? You're in a good mood.

I was in a good mood until me fucking business partner started beatboxing. Yeah. You know what I mean? I like your straw. He's in a good mood He's nearly on his Olly bobs

I'm so excited And I just can't hide it I'm about to go All inclusive Got me holiday clothes The ones I had From earlier in the year They don't fit me anymore

They're too fit And big like Because I've lost All me titties What a lovely Problem to have You got a little bit Of titty there But that's enough isn't it Just to let the ladies know I've lost some all me titties. What a lovely problem to have. You got a little bit of tea there. Oh, but that's enough in it.

Just to let the ladies know. I've lost some of me titties. I've lost enough of me titties that me t-shirts don't really fit me anymore. You know what I mean, mate? T-shirts from privacy more for the bigger lass. Oh, I am like, this is like holiday preparation, but also I'm trying not to stain my teeth.

You know what I mean? So you have to- No, it's smart, isn't it? You've got shiny tags. I noticed you've got a band item. Oh, don't bring me down, mate. A legal item on the table. This morning, I went and got a cheese toasty, an energy drink that is unbranded that I can't mention.

Sneak? Yeah, it was a sneak. And I had a vape. Oh, cheese toasty, bit of caffeine, vape, sailing out of Chester to come and do this job,

my dream job. Fucking felt amazing. Not anymore. And I knew you'd bring me down. I knew you'd bring me down. Go on. I love a little puff puff. I know you do.

That's the last puff you'll ever have, mate. Well, no, they're still available. No, they're banning them now. Oh, are they? Are they? The banning, mate. Well, no, they're still available. No, they're banning them, though. Oh, are they? Are they? The banning disposable ones.

Oh, when did you ever fucking love the government? This is the Tories that are doing this to me. It's nothing to do with the Tories, is it? Yeah, it is. No, it isn't. What, the government? So I now like them because the Tories don't. Yeah, you're a Tory.

You're allowed to like individual policies, Daniel. Oh, that's a first step towards Toryism. No, it isn't. Yeah, it is. No, it isn't. Yeah, it is. No, it isn't. It is when it suits my argument. So what happens if tomorrow they come out and go,

paedophiles are actually allowed now? I wouldn't be surprised. I would disagree with that. No, sorry. I would add that to the list of ones I don't like. No, bald men. Right.

What? Carl, you're really intelligent. You're an intelligent person, but this one's not your finest fucking argument. No, but if the Tories come out tomorrow and said, right, we're making fucking, I don't know. No, but if the Tories come out tomorrow and said, right, we're making fucking

I don't know. The NFL banned in the UK. He's fucking That was a joke one! Carl, you keep naming unpopular ones. You need to be one that you'd agree with. The ones that'd piss him off. No, it needs to be one he would agree with.

How do you not understand your own analogy? Ban guns. They are banned. Got him again. Oh, yeah. He got me again. Anyway, you're not going to be able to go in and smoke your shite anymore.

It's fine. Ban him. He's just going to get a reusable one. No, I'm not. I'm not. You're fucking not. I'm not. You're not plugging it into the wall.

I know I need to quit. I bet you any money. You whinging bitches if they make them completely illegal he will get a reusable one there's no way he's quitting

me he's not capable of quitting anything lad have you come on with a big fucking Robocop bifter I'm not your mate with a little

squeezy thing oh god I got mango ice I will quit it's great this is the one like it's fine

I knew you were going to be like oh Don's going to fucking lose his head I'm fine oh so you're telling me me and Carl can have a go at you

for fucking two years saying that it's load of shit but as soon as Rishi Sunak tells you you do what you're told you've heard the conspiracy haven't you

what this is a Tory thing get them all hooked on it get them hooked on the nicotine take it away opens the avenue to the one that's allowed which makes them loads

in taxes bifters it's awful ooh that makes so much sense that I now fully believe it and will reject all evidence of the country

oh you want that no you can have these I'm straight back on the Lambenton Butler fucking cleaning lady fags can't wait LNB silver like a classy woman

I'm not doing the toilets not in that state hey what flavour is that your Mars Biff it's a specific one but it's fruity your Mars Biff Oh, shit. Yeah, it's a specific one. I have to get it in special. Mar with an R? But it's fruity. Your Mar's beef.

Your Mar's beef. I'm like someone who didn't get his first true uni trying to do working class banter. Your bloody Mar. Kiss me. What flavour is it? Cherry. Cherry.

Cherry. Very cherry. I'm in a great mood. Doesn't matter. I had a nice cheese toast, eh? You know. Why are you in a good mood? What's happened? Cherry beef. I don't know great mood Doesn't matter Had a nice cheese toastie You know Why are you in a good mood? What's happened?

Cherry Biff I don't know Have you been sucked off? Erm Erm Oh No Did you suck it off with her arse?

Yeah Yeah She gave me that She gave me What I call the dirty blowjob Erm Yeah No I'm just in a good mood You're not been to Pound Town? Yeah, she gave me that. She gave me what I call the dirty blowjob. Yeah. No, I'm just in a good mood.

You're not been to Pound Town? It was a little bit. I spent some time in Pound Town. Isn't it mad that I just immediately know that that's what it is? Also, I don't know. This morning, everyone was on good form. Jack's being dead cute. He's into the Hulk.

It's really cute. Just a nice morning. He's just pretending to. It's really cute. Just a nice morning. He's just pretending to be the Hulk all morning. He can't do the impression, so he goes, Hulk smash. He sounds like an angry Frenchman. It's great.

He goes, Hulk smash. It's great. I'm going to Paris tomorrow, so I will update you on whether I see any people like that. Sounds to be a no. No, it's the, he does like a, he's trying to go,

but he goes, are you worried about him at all? Probably. So he's entered a Hulk? I don't know where from. I don't know if he's watched any. I think it's just another kid at nursery that's like going around going Hulk smash.

So he's doing an impression of some other fucking stupid kid doing the Hulk. A French kid probably. He does sound like he's going, Le Hulk, le smash, which is French. It's mad how kids get bored of shit easy. He'll be off that next week.

100%. My little pony or whatever it is. This is kind of... Yeah, my little pony. Vapes? He'll be on vapes. Thanks for the machine. Don't Hulk anymore.

He's always vaping as well. It's not... It's his throat. It's not even doing... It's the popcorn lung, man. Yeah, just in a good mood. Did you have a favourite cartoon growing up? Thundercats.

Oh yeah, you've told us that. Thunder, thunder, thundercats. Thundercats are loose. Thundercats are loose. Is there anything in your life, from either your childhood or now, that you are like excited or are very keen to push on your children?

Something that you've been into for years that you're like, I hope Etta and Jack are into that. Obviously, hopefully not cocaine. Being fussy with food. Yeah, that would be bad. Being fussy with food would be great. If they could adopt some of my fussiness.

Why? Because it's already started. Etta had a bag of chicken roast flavoured walkers. Chicken roast flavoured walkers. Roast chicken. Roast chicken. I can't wait for my chicken roast.

And she was like, oh, daddy, you try one. I was like, I don't want to. And she knows that I'm not just like, I don't fancy a Chris. She's like, daddy doesn't like it. So she's going, daddy, just try. I'm getting patronised by my six- six year old. I don't like chicken.

Yeah, that's not on there. That's on you for being a big food gimp. Fool. I know, but that's not changing, is it? No, you don't want to push that onto them and make their life harder, will you? No, I don't. I was being humorous.

Where they're having panic attacks walking past Greg's for the rest of their lives. Hey, oh, so let's take that. That's me. She's a chicken. Oh, what can we try today, Dan? Let's do a food thing today. We're getting them at Hot Dogs today.

You're getting Hot Dog today. Sweet. Hot Dog me up. Can I have it without onions? Because I've eaten onions before. But the onions are like one of the best. I don't like... That's not something I've not tried. I might get you crispy onions if they've got them as the option.

Can I have them on the side? No. Can I have them on half of the hot dog? You can have it on a full hot dog and if you don't like them, you can scrape the other ones off. That's not how fussiness works. You can't just scrape.

That doesn't work. What? Because then it's been contaminated. No, it hasn't. Neither of these are porous things. Oh my God, they are. No, they're not. Sausage meat and greasy little drippy...

If I pissed on your car and then wiped it off, there's not piss on the car anymore is there oh my god hot dogs aren't made of car sausages are porous these are rain proof these leave them to the guard

you do the next day no problem you're not helping I can't wait see you eat a hot dog you're gonna love it maybe we get you a good one as well

like a proper what's the rule on mustard I don't like mustard you eat a hot dog you're gonna love it maybe we'll get you a good one as well like a plop of what's the rule on mustard I don't like mustard myself it's up to you you could argue that if you're gonna do a hot dog you've gotta do it with mustard

and what else do they have ketchup do you like ketchup yeah you can have ketchup without the mustard mustard isn't a quiet taste yeah it's quite strong

but then I'd like a bit of spice it's not what is it not no it's hot but it's not spicy it's like Bernie it's quite strong but then I'd like a bit of spice it's not spicy what is it not no it's hot but it's not spicy ooh

it's like burny it's like burny yeah it's not like spicy it's burny it's like twiglets do you like twiglets yeah they're not spicy

they're burny what about lime pickle at an Indian restaurant that's spicy you'll call the cops yeah I like that stuff it's fucking excellent

that surprises me so the fact you ever looked at that and went, I'll give that a go, blows my mind. Because that's the worst on the tray. I like it. Greasy, spicy. So you've had a lime pickle but not a hot dog?

Yeah. Your life's mad. Yeah. You're going to love this hot dog. Do you genuinely not understand how fussiness works? No, I do, yeah. No, but like, once the onions are on, that is contaminated.

What if we don't tell you? No, no, no. Here's the thing. You're thinking of onions as onions. A bit of onion. You know what? I'm going to, you know,

sometimes I say touche to you, sir. Crispy onions and not onion onions. No, a bit of onion. No. A bit of onion. A bit of onion. Right,

if you had an hot dog and I put some salt and vinegar crisp on it and then brush the crisp off. Nice. That took me through it. What just happened? Hot dog. And then I've, let's say I got a bag of salt and vinegar crisp

and smashed them up. That's a great analogy. And sprinkled them on your hot dog. If I then brush the salt and vinegar crisps off, they haven't been contaminated with salt and vinegar crisps, have they? I mean, technically, yes, but I will allow it. Well, the crispy onions are the salt and vinegar crisp of the onion world. You know what?

Your reasoning is superb. Yeah, yeah, and I'm into it. Then there's no, like, moisture to them. There's no... No, it's just like they can be there or not. You're at the crispy bacon bits. Yeah. no like moisture to them. There's no... No, it's just like they can be there or not and you'd never know. You're at the crispy bacon bits. Yeah.

That's them, but onions. All right. I can't wait to have a hot dog. I like a caramelized onion sometimes. That's what is good on a hot dog. They're unbelievable. Really? Yeah.

That's what goes on a hot dog. What do you think? Do you think it's just like raw onion? What? I thought it was fried onion. Yeah, caramelized fried onion. No. Is caramelizing? No, it's not. What do you think a's just like raw onion? What? I thought it was fried onion. Yeah, caramelised fried onion. No. Is caramelising? No, it's not.

What do you think a caramelised onion is? Onion and caramel? No, he doesn't. Oh, damn. He doesn't. Why is it so brown and tasty? Because it's been fried for ages. I thought it was fried in like balsamic vinegar or something.

Turn that off. What? That's what it tastes like. Here's another question. Do you think, right, a galaxy caramel is galaxy chocolate filled with balsamic vinegar? No. Is it? No.

So when I go to ZZ's, they have a garlic bread with caramelized onion on. Yeah. That's not just fried onion. It is. I'm telling you right now, someone from ZZ's email in, that is not just fried onion it is it is i'm telling you right now someone from zz's email in that is not just i'm i've tried fried onion before yes yes it is no sorry it is fried fried onion caramelized onion it's just a fried piece of onion no it's not no you can't add other stuff to it and they might have done that in zz's it tastes like balsamic vinegar

probably which i like probably maybe they are fried in that then ZZs. It tastes like balsamic vinegar, which I like. Maybe they are fried in that then. Or a hot dog, it's just... We'll call that a score draw, so we want all there. All right, cool. But that is the type of onion you get on. All right, I'll try it. I'll try it.

I'll try it. A little mustard. I'm going to give mustard a go. Why are you brave, boy? You're going to ruin it. Because I don't... You're saying it's... What did you say?

It's got a kick, but it's not hot. No, you didn't say that, did you? Burny. Burny. Yeah. Yeah. But it is an acquired taste. I like a little bit of mustard. you're saying it's what did you say it's got a kick but it's not hot no you didn't say that did you burny burny yeah yeah but it is an acquired taste I like a little bit of mustard I don't have an abundance

of mustard little turns of phrase that I've enjoyed today abundance of mustard I mean that is just fun to hear and say we'll get you some condiments on the side

so you can make it your own because if you have a lot of mustard all over you're going to ruin the whole thing alright alright I'm into it

do you want to put him on the side he's just been a massive knobhead isn't he welcome to the dog kennel imagine when I get

mine I'll be great little Vinny the Aussie doodle I'll bring my snake I don't think Wallace respects you Harry

he was like fuck off who are you what a day first ever hot one of my favourite things is a shit hot dog what from like a burger van yeah

oh yeah yeah but they're not shit hot dogs shit hot dogs to me are the ones that come in like a jar in like water that you boil yeah they're shit hot dogs a hot dog from a burger van is as good as life gets, I think. Oh, yeah. That coming and a piss when you really need it.

Give me those three things for the rest of my life and I am set. Oh, Guinness as well. Footy tournaments. Soft. Footy tournaments used to have burger vans and ice cream. That's all it reminds me of. Where do you associate burger vans with?

Formula One. Football tournaments. When we went to the Formula One with my dad, that was burger van weekend because that's all we had. Me and Kyle used to go to Formula One every weekend when I was on the Formula 1 with my dad that was a burger van weekend because that's all me and Carl used to go to the Formula 1 every weekend

we're on Mars every couple of weeks Mars Mars we're on Mars you're Mars bars when she was rapping do you like a burger van

burger compared to what like a five guys they're very not too dissimilar really yeah

yeah decent it's alright they're fine they're pass. It's all right. They're fine. They're passable. I think sometimes you're in the mood for that greasy, shitty one, aren't you? Yeah.

Like, sometimes five guys can be a bit fancy. I'll tell you what I love about burger vans in the modern era. A lot of them do curly fries. Oh, well better than a regular fry. They are. What are they? Again, that's not just something in there,

isn't there, for flavouring? Yeah, the coatings. There's a spice on the coating. Paprika sometimes on some curdy fries. Can I throw it out there? The lattice fries sometimes do it for me as well. I don't know what they're doing different because they're not in a coating.

They're soft. Snass. There is a burger van outside the B&Q in Chester. You just come out of the B&Q and it's like, I reckon people, I don't know what their angle is, but it fucking works. Dads.

Yeah, it's dads. Dads is their angle. Who are like, oh, I'm busy today. I'm doing, you know, dad stuff. B&Q, seeing like garden stuff

and then barbecues, like, and then they're like, oh, barbecues, burgers, and they come out and they go, fucking hell,

burgers. It's really good. I've just bought a barbecue, but fuck, the burger van's right there. Send that back. All I want, I know.

What do you want to push onto your kids though? Because your food thing, that's bang out of order. You can't be making them fussy like you. You need to let them enjoy it. Is there anything you're

looking forward to watching You need to let them have the joy of food because food is incredible when you actually... For example, mine's Harry Potter. Yeah.

Mine would be Star Wars. I mean, Harry Potter, you won't have to push because they'll be into it anyway. Golf, I think, might take a little bit of work. But, you know, I'd love... Yeah, obviously, I want them to be in the NFL, but into the NFL.

I also want them to, like, stand up. I'd love that. Remember, like, how old before Etta's coming to a gig with me and like just being able to like come with because she's a great hangout at the moment she's great she's like she'll come and do a lot of stuff we go for a little lunch together last week we went to the beach together it was great when is it like do you know what i said what you're doing tonight nothing school holidays so i've got a gig do you want to come i think i was the outlier in this my mum was taking me because my dad just didn't understand english humor he just doesn't have a sense of

humor no but he's not english is he he's not you're right um neither are you correct english language humor forget it um so she was taking me from 10 to stand up at the, there was, is it Kill for a Seat? Yeah. They ran that in real. In mold. No, they ran it in real for like six weeks. And then there was like 10 people there every time. That was Silky's night.

He had one in Llandudno as well. Yeah. So I remember that's when I first was like, oh, stand up's great. And I remember downloading like Lee Evans' specials, putting on my iPod Nano. So I reckon 10 maybe. I think comedy might have changed a little bit since then.

And also what your mother was into. There you go. Thank you. Poirot and a dude. No. I think she took you. I think she took you to the comedy that is, that makes sense

oh yeah you could but I mean imagine like Peter Kay you'd be able to take attitude quite so if I'm doing a gig

with Adam what are you listening to there son bit of Poirot Poirot season 3 episode 4 it's a good one he finds out who did it

just the audio that's how good it is what if I was doing a gig with Adam and she was like daddy can I come no me and Adam

on the same bill who else is on Rob Mulholland Freddie Quinn so I mean it's a great bill but it's not for a 14 then again 14

yeah she knows what Willie's on 13 I think 13 I think teen teen's fine as long as you've had the chat with her

yeah you can't bring it in like she doesn't just don't if you're in a room with Uncle long as you've had the chat with her. You can't bring it in late. Just don't. If you're in a room with Uncle Freddy, just leave. Is that the chat? If, just, that's the chat, isn't it?

If you're in a dressing room with Uncle Freddy, just make an excuse and find another adult. For the lack of a better phrase, don't let her go in dry. Like, teach her the birds and the bees. Lovely phrase. Teach her the birds and the bees. Of yeah teacher the birds and the bees yeah like of comedy no but i mean like no but by 13 you've heard it all in school necessarily you've heard everything i did we did and you will have him real this is soggle do you know what i

mean no kids are like nasty aren't they yeah're from, yeah. And especially where you're from. But like, Sorghal, I reckon she might be a bit sheltered. She's not going to be called a cunt until she's at least 15. No. Oh, I was seven. No. Let me just see how she's been behaving recently. I think it's going to happen sooner than that.

And it might be by me. I found out what a blowjob was. I remember thinking, oh, I'm too young to know that. And I was really upset. How old are you? I don't know. But I'm young enough to have that thought i wasn't like in i wasn't in big school i was like oh i know a thing that i don't want to know it's about adults that i had the same did someone make you give them one i mean that's what everyone was thinking i'm too young to be doing this but then again it's a catholic school i think i was less I was like, oh, I don't want to know what that is.

I'm not ready to know what that is. I think I was 11 when I found out what bumming is because I'd always heard... I'd heard what? What bumming is? I'd heard what? You thought it was two men

touching bums? No, I thought it was two men running at each other and then jumping backwards and hitting each other. Like slamming bums into each other? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he knew everything in real. Those mean streets are real. You've got to watch out and hitting each other. Like slamming bums into each other.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he knew everything in real. Those mean streets are real. You've got to watch out for them bums. No, but I think it was... They take a run up. So you found out what a blowjob was

and wasn't happy? No, I just remember thinking, I remember thinking like, oh, I felt a bit older and I was like, oh, I know I shouldn't know what that means because it was told

by an older boy in my road. And I was like, oh, I just felt like I knew I was too innocent to know what that means. Because it was told by an older boy in my road. And I was like, oh, I just felt like I knew I was too innocent to know what it was. That was the day your innocence died. Possibly, yeah. I found out what a blowjob was when I was nine. Yeah.

Right? Because my mate, who was a year older than me, got sucked off when he was 10. What? Wow. Got noshed off at 10. By a girl who was in my year. So she was nine and he was 10. What? Wow. Got noshed off at 10. By a girl who was in my year.

So she was nine and he was 10. She was sucking up. What? Yeah. And honestly, when I found out about it, I thought it sounded like the greatest thing of all time. And do you know what?

Nine-year-old Adam was right. Getting sucked off is great. Yeah. Getting sucked off at 10, not as great though, is it? Wow. And you know what I mean? Like, at the time, you're getting sucked off is great yeah getting sucked off at 10 not as great though is it wow you know i mean like at the time you're like this is great like a few years later you'd be like wow i mean he's upset that he even just knew about it at nine yeah staying in sorghum staying in sorghum i don't think i've got that information even tucked away do you reckon it

was definitely true it was true because I asked her. From my experience, no one gets noshed off in Sorghum. Oh mate, that's so wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is. What if Rishi

legalised 10-year-old blowjobs? What about that? Yeah. I'd disagree with it. I'd definitely vote Labour again. I'd miss the vapes but I think this is wrong

I reckon you know the lad and the girl oh they're your friends I reckon if I told you both their names oh I think I know is it prefaced by fucking no good question though

but only me you and maybe Josh if he's listening to this will get that's too young, man. Fucking hell. I wonder who broached that. No, fucking was a year younger than us. Oh, was he? Yeah.

I wonder whose idea that was. Yeah, someone's got to have seen it somewhere. Yeah, I wonder if she went, let me, you know, I know what this is, and they're like, yeah. Let me suck him off. Yeah, because that might have been... Yeah.

This feels like Rescue rescue waters doesn't it it's bad that mate no of course it's just kids being kids no it's no kids do some stupid

stuff don't they it's not like it's Etta's already got two boyfriends so is this where we're going

she's seen a lad called fucking polyamorous yeah very progressive yeah she's got two boyfriends. What are they called?

Do you hate them? Don't know. Just give them two fake names then. Big Trev. And Draymond. Do you hate them? Secretly. Big Trev in year two, Draymond.

Older man. No, but it is worrying that she's like, I've already got two boyfriends. Like, oh God, what are we doing? I knew this was coming, but this is for down the's like, I've already got two boyfriends. Like, oh God, what are we doing? I knew this was coming, but this is for down the road when I'm taking you to watch Dux. I know, but 12.

Yeah, primary school boyfriends and girlfriends, there's nothing, is it? It's just if you look at each other. Apparently it fucking is around these. Yeah, not my end. As we said, not in Sorgel. Damn. Just never thought I'd be.

I just think it's too young to be. Too, yeah. Greedy bitch. That's what I said. That's thought I'd be. I just think it's too young to be. Too, yeah. Greedy bitch. That's what I said. That's what I said. Daddy, I've got two boyfriends. You greedy bitch. Go and get your brother and play the Hulk.

Go on. I killed these men. Hamza. That's a French. I smashed you. It's Hamza. Hamza. Kill everybody. I thought you said Abu Hamza. If you go I smash your Hamza Hamza kill everybody

I thought you said Abu Hamza if you go on when Jack's doing that oh that's not the worst wow so

you're in a good mood you've been to Palmtown erm just you know a brief visit mm-hmm mm-hmm was it a full

it's great well I know he's trying to take the piss but he's drinking from a like a holiday cocktail straw was it a full visit or a drive through

what was it a drive through or a drive by did you sit in or did you drive through I don't understand what you mean you do

I know you're trying for an analogy your analogy is a Freddie Quinn level today no drive through is you know not penetrative sex sit in is bummer than funny.

Can I just take this, if you don't mind? Right, explain to me, right. Because he said it was a brief stop. No, no, no, no, no. Let me ask me a question before you start answering it. Explain to me,

from start to finish, right, without any metaphors, like, with literal, right, how does a drive-through visit to Pound Town start, middle, and end? It's crazy saying it's a brief stop in Pound Town.

To me, that is not... You're not stopping it. If you have a brief stop in Mackey's, you're going through the drive-through. So a brief stop to me means like a short visit. It's not a full sexual... Surely that's a visit to like sexy land. That's not a visit to pound town because pound

town is pound town you have to pound in pound town you can pound someone's head how did you show you when i mean how long you're pounding for maybe that's what i was referring to yeah right okay oh quick on the draw i'm efficient and that's how i like to that's how ladies like i'm just efficient you know who wants an eighth minute of intercourse? Not any of the women in my life, apparently. So that's what it was. It was just a whistle stop. Quick. A whistle?

No, an average amount of sex. You Googled the average amount. I bet you that's a lot shorter than you think. Six minutes of pleasure. Well, six minutes is... It's a song and a half. Is that including foreplay? What?

Is the six minutes including foreplay? Foreplay. What did you say? How long? I said a song and a half. Three to seven minutes is the average. Bananas. Hello.

I'm the average guy. The average vaping non-hot dog eater. Why are you saying that's bananas? Do you think it should be longer? Yeah. Do you, yeah? Much longer. Much longer.

Yeah? No, whoa, whoa, whoa. It is one of Carl's bullshit. You know, for years he told me he had a massive dick. It was only after we started this podcast that he told me it's just fine. Yeah, for years. And he told me it didn't even taste weird.

Fucking weird. You used to say to me all the time, I've got a massive willy. And you haven't asked. I still say it now. I've got a lovely willy. Yeah. But that's not true.

Order! No, not the same thing. You told me for years you had a massive cock and you haven't, have you? You go three minutes. What? Three minutes. No, not three minutes.

You said a lot longer. Yeah, I'd say 15 to 20 or like... With the foreplay? Yeah. What, a paid spot? My God. Three to seven minutes before... So that, no wait, this is just for vaginal sex.

It was three to seven minutes. Oh, sorry. Not including foreplay. Not including foreplay. Day and a half of foreplay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's causing, please. Can we?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Can we do it on Tuesday this comes yeah yeah knocked it up to 10 so it's this is the the

is it mean yeah mean so the reported durations ranged from 33 seconds to 44 minutes now 44 minutes is too long isn't it

no monster no that's fucking sting shit isn't it that's tantrum it would sting so much sting No monster. No, that's fucking sting shit, isn't it? That's tantrum. It would sting. Do you know how much stings? It's been seconds.

Do you know how much stings? For 80 seconds. Oh my God. Yeah. Do you know what he does? Sing it, innit? Englishman in New York. Fucking messaging a bottle. A load.

He's good as well. I saw him in Lytton not so long ago. He's great. Have you heard about him? But he was actually doing tantric sex at the same time. That's what he was famous for. He was edging his bird, Pam, or whatever his name is. She's like, oh, please finish fucking me.

He's like, Ina, I'm going to fucking edge you a little bit more. Put it in for 33 seconds and I'll be back next week to do another 33 seconds. She hasn't jizzed since 1987. How long is time to sex average? How long? There is no long. There is no mean. It's just, it goes for as long as... It feels like you're coming the entire time, doesn't it? It's bollocks, isn't it? It can't, can it?

Blow the shite. If I come, it's over. An hour or more. Shite. So it's at least an hour. But it's basically edging isn't it yeah that feels like you're coming the entire time it feels like you're trying not to come the whole time i don't think that's possible maybe for the lady that's possible like ride the way 65 i take ages making me roast dinner but it feels like i'm eating it when i'm fucking roasting the chicken. Bollocks. Has it got my analogies? Isn't it like having a roast out?

That made sense. Roasting. Isn't it like having a roast out and going, hey, I'll have a little bite of this gammon. I'm not going to eat the rest. Isn't it like...

No, because the gammon is the jizz, isn't it? Yeah. I'll just, you know, come on. Eating your gammon is... That's the big... You do it. You're not coming the whole time the coming. That's the bit that you're doing.

You're not coming the whole time with tantric sex. You feel like you're coming the whole time. That's what they say. I don't believe it. No. Oh, so it's like saving the best bits of a meal for last. No? I don't think we fully understand tantric sex.

It can't feel like you're coming the whole time. No, but like on a roast, I save the well when i had meat i'd save the meat for last last or like i'd have a bit left of it i would never finish it first i know what you mean so you have bits of everything to finish in one yeah we've spoken before yeah do you know me and carl were talking today when we went to hickory's to watch the nfl we both think that you're gonna be a meat man again one day. Yeah. We feel it coming. I don't know. It feels, so I've, like, when people have asked me,

it feels like a light switch has just gone off. Yeah, what are you talking about? Like a, like a, it's just an allergy. I think you're going to do some puff again one day, and you're going to have a little moment where, like, a pig talks to you and goes, hey, lads, have a bite of me. It's fucking nice, you know, and I'm not even asked.

You're going to do some puff and love meat? That's what we think. Do you reckon? Yeah. He's going to put that in the trailer as well. Yeah. That's the thing.

Yeah. Not only is it Carl at his finest, but he also then antagonises the rest of the world who are like, yeah, it's in the trailer.

No context, they can have a bit of that. If you follow us on social media, the trailer is like, Carl is like, yeah, let's try and annoy everyone that already doesn't like us. Yeah. And that'd be a nice weed experience, wouldn't it?

Another one. Fucking stone, and then have a fucking vegan rap go, wouldn't it be better if it was just chicken kebab, you fanny? That'd be great. And he could go back to it. Yeah.

Why is he smoking weed with Jimmy Kanky? Why is Jimmy Kanky in a wrap? Steve was a vegan for years and he came back. Yeah. Dean and Amy from the Mouth High Club. They're back, baby. I think I'm just waiting until they grow it in a lab. Then I'll be sound.

Oh, that's worse. Why? It's not killed anything for it. I reckon when they... So you'll eat clone chickens, but not naturally born chickens. Test tube kebab. Yeah. Oh, so I'm more likely to not do that?

Yeah, I wouldn't trust it. Is that where it's going, by the way? Is it going to be like on a meat? It's like, oh yeah, that's the real chicken burger. But it's still going to be a live a meat it's like oh yeah that's the real chicken burger and this is still a gonna be a live thing isn't it one time and then the other times it won't be will it it was a one chicken diet is what's your limit i think i could kill one chicken kill one chicken for the for chicken for the rest of your life yeah i think that's that bill bird bit I realised someone has to die

every day for me to eat that's a good question would you kill one of everything to be able to eat it forever like would you kill a cow because then you can have

beef forever but you've got to kill it with your hands I would can I just say I would love to fucking punch a cow

right in its head I think that would be super satisfying you eat animals you know no I don't. You kill the pig and blow those heads off and you want to punch cows?

Yeah, I just want to punch a cow. Just not... Every time Wallace comes in here, you spit at him and shout at him, get out of here! It's mad. In that voice. Yeah?

Yeah. I'd love to twat a cow. Have you seen the robots? What? You've seen the robots? What the fuck are you doing? Built themselves and then killed loads of people. Have you seen that? No.? Have you seen the robot? What the fuck are you doing? Built themselves and killed loads of people. Have you seen that?

No. No, because it didn't happen. No, Carl, we didn't see it because it's made up. Did you see iRobot recently? No. So apparently, I don't believe it. Apparently, but you didn't see it? I didn't see it happen.

No, of course. I also didn't see 9-11 happen. This woman said... I've got you there. You have seen footage of it, though. Okay, then I didn't see the signing. How much space battles, Dan? The Declaration of Independence. Right.

This woman said there was four robots, and they were getting... Apparently they were getting a bit fucking... Horny. You know, whoa, worrying. So they deactivated them all. Right. And then they were, like like dismantling three of them

and they started dismantling the fourth but apparently the fourth one turned itself back on and then downloaded the information

on how to rebuild itself and rebuild as mates and then killed all the Japanese people in the lab 23 of them when did this happen

Colin why is Nick global news yeah yeah correct the Illuminati are holding it down yeah yeah but they told you no I saw that Nick global news yeah yeah correct the Illuminati are holding it down yeah yeah yeah but they told you

no I saw that in the video Carl it's the Illuminati mad shit's gone on Japan 23 dead rogue robots it's what we thought yeah so turn your

toaster off lad because it's going to fucking murder you see you later yeah video don't need it don't need it

also Carl question the declaration of independence because you never saw it signed did't need it. Don't need it. Also, Carl, question the Declaration of Independence because you never saw it signed, did you? So it probably didn't happen. Get on me. I can't have any more bullshit. This woman just said it downloaded the information

to rebuild itself. Bam, built us mates. Killed all the fellas. Where was she? Having a shit? Why is she not dead? And how's the robot found the fucking instructions for itself so quickly

I can't find the YouTube video on how to fix internet internet do you know it's her fault for giving her the password to the wifi that's I think

there's a lot of blame there beep boop it's like they've got one arm beep boop no robots allowed one capital N can I have the password

for the wifi what are you going to do with it, love? Nothing. I thought you were meant to be dead. Why does this Geordie woman work in a lab in Japan? This is the robot. All my AI is Geordie.

I'm just saying. Try and turn me off, you cunt. Fucking. Right. I'm just saying I have to keep out of the ice peels oh

fuck off Carl you silly bollock when AI's what about when AI gets to open water you are going to have a fucking meltdown aren't you

I don't think I can jump in what oh no the robots have jumped in the water I won't be in there that's a good point I learned to swim how did you learn to swim downloaded it off Oh no, the robots have jumped in the water. I won't be in there. That's a good point.

Beep boop. I learned to swim. How did you learn to swim? Downloaded it off the internet. Beep boop. Beep boop. A well-known swimming move. The robot paddle.

Who's allowing this as well? Just leave. And that's a break. who's allowing this as well just leave and that's a break you've got a friend in me do do do do do can't wait for a little Aperol Spritz in my hotel

really looking forward to a little boozy one oh and a lody yeah you like the taste of it yeah it's delicious it's quite bitter quite tart

it's not for me and again I like a gin and tonic so that's similar yeah I really got into it in Italy he's going to

Forch in Greece Greece come and see me on tour Friday the 22nd I've got five or six tickets left in Chorley Saturday the 23rd

I'm in Shrewsbury. I'm in the big room. I've sold more tickets than last year, but it's still got about 50, 60 tickets to sell. And Salford, Sunday the 24th. I'm at the Lowry. So come and see me. If you're in Manchester,

the Frog and Bucket is long sold out. Come and see me at the Lowry. Do it in the middle. DanNightingale.com. Which room at the Lowry? The one that holds 450 that I've been told is beautiful. It's maybe my favourite room

I've ever seen comedy in. I love that room. Really? Wowzer. Come and see me. My October shows are coming up. Carlisle is sold out. Leicester and Crewe,

they complete the first week. They both have tickets left. Leeds City Varieties, sold out. St. Helens, on the way to sold out. Harrogate Theatre, can't believe it, is on the way toieties sold out. St. Helens on the way to sold out. Harrogate Theatre, can't believe it, is on the way to being sold out.

Nice big theatre there. I'm not sure how Scunthorpe is selling, but I think it's doing okay. Nottingham Playhouse on Tuesday the 17th of October is on about 60%. Obviously, that's a Tuesday, but I would like to bump that up a little bit if we get that towards 80 or even sold out.

That'd be amazing. Big old room. Can't wait to play it. Southport, the Atkinson, almost sold out. Blackburn, King George's, almost sold out. Newcastle City Hall, again, is on about 60%, 70%, but that's way over 1,000 people. It's going to be fucking incredible.

Glasgow Pavilion was sold out, but we've added the very top tier that takes up to the 21st of october the final week of october is bristol loughborough malvern and then we go into london the week after that um but my tour runs all the way through till march adam rowe.co.uk forward slash tour come and see me this is the best hour of stand up I've ever done according to people who've seen this and my previous stuff I'll be honest

when I was putting this hour together because of the reaction to Juicy and how much everyone loved it I was worried I wasn't going to be able

to top it and sort of made me peace with that like people being like this is good but it's not as good as Juicy according to people who've seen this show

in Edinburgh they think it's my best stuff so we'll uh we'll see where it ends up it's weird how you go through a process and it with a torch where you're like oh you know like i watch clips back of smasher and it's from like the second to last show where everything was word perfect you go i don't know is this as good you're like it's yeah of course in the room it's great and it's getting better. It's a weird little crisis of confidence. How's your Ireland selling?

Because I'm in Ireland on the 4th and 5th of November. I'm in, sorry, I'm in Belfast on the Saturday at Lavery's and I'm in the Laughter Lounge in Dublin and they've sold well, but they just,

the Irish ticket, if you're an Irish lid, come see me on tour. Come see me in Belfast if you're in Northern Ireland. Come and see me in Dublin. How are your Irish sales? It feels like they're slow and then it flurries towards the end. They are usually a bit slower.

I don't get actual weekly updates for my Ireland ones. I only get them for the UK because it's a different promoter technically that does it. Belfast is selling really well in December. Thursday, the 7th of December, I'm doing the Limelight again, which was a great room last year. We had a really good time.

Lovely. And then my Irish week, where I do Derry, Limerick, Galway, Cork, and Dublin at the fucking Olympia Theatre, is January. And I believe they're selling well, like a lot of the big rooms, because they're all really big rooms, my Irish ones.

They all need a bit of a push. And if anyone's like, Belfast, no, I know it. I know it. Unless you think Belfast is an island, and then I know it. Unless you're like, no, Belfast is Northern Ireland. It's on the island of Ireland. Then I'm like, yeah, you're right as well yeah come see me finry got some questions yes brilliant

got some questions this first one is from camalto uh yes lids if you had to have a famous person living on the back of your head like voldemort who would you have and why who nailed the grass tyson who would you have and why? Neil deGrasse Tyson. Neil deGrasse Tyson? Neil deGrasse Tyson. Is that what they call him in jail? Someone got shot with a shotty.

Yeah. Do you know who it was? Fucking Dino. Who's he grassing on there? He just told you he got shot. He's grassing. Grass on the victim? I don't know.

It'd be nice to... He got shot, Dino? Yeah. He deserved it. Because you know, snitches get stitches. Someone clever. Yeah. He deserved it. Because, you know, snitches get stitches. Someone clever. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Someone just to be like, so you could win a pub quiz. Is that all you want? I don't know. Take it. You've got the option

to have another person live on the back of your head and you're going, do you know what? The dog and duck pub quiz. Yeah. Morgan Freeman. Or Denzel.

Denzel. Just so he can say cool shit and you can say it was you are they fuming that they live on the back of your head though because i think denzel might be no i think it's like a it's a clone of them the real denzel denzel denzel still exists right right right right only because he will be pissed off it's not someone just like i want to see my wife and family, man. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be awful. Yeah. Voldemort wasn't saying that, I don't think.

No. No. He was saying, kill him! Mate, that first Voldemort was well... No, just like, when it was like... Yeah, because she didn't know what she was doing and she was making it all up. Oh, at least he has a big cloak and he floats.

He doesn't, he's just a knobhead a big cloak and he floats. He doesn't, he's just a knobhead with no nose and he walks. Yeah, it was well better when Ray Fiennes was like, let me tell you how to do

fucking Voldemort. Yeah. Because she didn't have a clue. She wrote the first as a standalone, I think. Did she? Yeah.

Interesting. And going with Denzel because I could like move your lips and say I was doing Denzel. Denzel would have made a great Voldemort. Just saying.

Wallace is trying to kill himself by chewing the wires. Wallace! Take him out for me again, please, honey. Sorry. Thank you. Welcome to the Dog Crash Podcast.

Right, next one. This is from John Barkley. What shot... I didn't answer there, by the way. You didn't? Crystal Water. Because then we can both talk

and people can try and guess which one's the real one because my impressions fucking pinpoint me it I wonder why you did a Geordie accent before like it's

fucking bang on Microsoft walking I just I'm kind of addicted to doing the Geordie accent or attempting it at the minute cool

I just keep doing it all the time being doing it walking around the house I'm fucking packing me bags to go to Mick and us how we are how we are

classic Geordie phrase me and Mick gonna Mick and us right this next one's from John Barkley what shop or service would be drastically

improved by a drive-thru it has to be manned by a teenager over a tannoy regardless though the post office what how often are you. The post office? What?

How often are you using the post office? Every time I use it, it's a big pain in the balls. I'd love to be able to just drive past it and be like, can you just take that or give me that? Have you heard of post boxes? It's a big thing. That is a good idea, but you don't use it enough to be... No, I meant every time you have to go to the counter to get something like recorded delivery or, I don't know,

giving back Laura's ASOS parcel seems to be fucking annoying. I think the last time I went into a post office to use the post office was to send postal orders to complete the Panini Premier League sticker book. There's a lot of Ps there. Last year's.

It was May. What will be improved by a drive through right now B&Q man's using B&Q loads what does B&Q

stand for boys and quails boys and quails it's boys and quails erm what does it stand for is it just like a

it's just like an... It's a book. It's just like an old-fashioned shop that's sort of modernised with the abbreviation. Something like Ben and Quinn or something? Like, they're just like owners of B&Q, isn't it?

Billy and Queen. Block and quail. There you go. See? Yeah. Because they're the two things you can buy at Quail Eggs and Big Blocks.

Have you been to the trade bit in B&Q? Yeah. It's like, oh, it's cheaper there, but you're not trade. If you're old, it's cheaper as well in B&Q? Yeah. It's like, oh, it's cheaper there, but you're not trade. If you're old, it's cheaper as well in B&Q, isn't it? Shut up.

Yeah. Pensioners get like 80% off. Yeah. Is that because any wandering pensioners just pull them to one side and go, yeah, I'll give you the 10. It's because of B&Q for me. Buy me a bottle of vodka.

They won't use it. Just outside B&Q trying to get pension script. You're going for a snail eye. There's a hundred quick get me all the wood you can carry. Do you do that? Because I do that every time.

Why? If someone asks me to go in for them like a child not a child but like a teenager I'll always do it. You buy fags and booze

for kids. If a child asks you to go into the off licence you go in for them. I'm not saying child, I'm saying teenagers. How old? 15, 16. 15, 16.

If I can tell they're young, I'm like, no, lad. But if it's like 16-year-olds who can't get a bottle of ale and they want to go to the park, then yeah, I'd be mad. Also, I bought an alcoholic a bottle of vodka the other day because he wanted it loads and his card didn't work. And I was like, he's just going to have a shit time. He's going to get it in the end.

The fella behind the counter was being a dick. He was like, lad, your card's not working. He was like, no, it is. And I went, he went, no, it isn't.

The fella behind the counter's not being a dick, is he? He's just, you know, asking for the money for his product. Yeah, but then he was like, lad, your card's not working. You're a knobhead, you. You're a fucking knobhead.

Well, he was like, all right, don't worry. I was like, how much is it like 13? He was like, one of the shit ones. I're a knobhead, you. You're a fucking knobhead. Well, he was like, he was like, all right, don't worry. And I was like, how much is it? Like 13? Because I was like, one of the shit ones.

I went, I'll get it. He's like, thank you so much. That's more safe than the, yeah, mister, get us a fucking bottle of huge. That, because, how old is this? 14 years?

That's all of a twist. The street drinking. Please, sir, can I have some huge? Huge. Because that's illegal. That's, man's going to go, man's going to do huge. Huge. That's illegal. Man's going to go, man's going to do time. Of course it's illegal.

And wouldn't you look stupid in prison if you were like, what are you in for? Murder. What are you in for? Would you not? I don't know. The alcoholic one, it seems like, if there's a guy who's like please I need the vodka

I feel like just I bought a kid a she was in a school uniform what she was like what I think she was sixth form

because it was a darker one and uniform she didn't have it's darker uniform yeah cool don't have any black people still sixth form in our schools

and he I don't know what it was they just didn't have enough cash or whatever and i was getting snacks and i went like just put it on there and i'll buy because she she was like she was a nice girl she wasn't and she felt like hypocrite she felt like a dickhead she looked like a dickhead she's like oh i haven't got enough money like well i was like oh i'll save it i've paid for someone shopping before but not like the fucking big shop like bill Billy Big Bollocks. Someone got to the front of the queue, there's people behind me,

and she was flapping. She was all the ladies. She was like, my mum would have been about, what, 70 odd. And she was like, oh, I haven't got my car. It was an absolute stay. And she was getting wound up

and they were going to have to take the shop in and do that thing of like, well, go and get it and come back. And I was like, I've just got it. And it was like six, seven quid. That's fine, isn't it? Who's arsed?

I mean, it was a child buying a vape. But I don't know if I would if kids were outside. I just think... They're going to get it in the end, so why not? Just let someone else be the twat that gets caught. You're not a twat. You drank when you were a teenager. Would you sell drugs to kids, Kyle?

No. Why? Would I sell drugs to kids? They're getting it anyway. they're going to get it anyway. I sell drugs to kids. They're getting it anyway. They're going to get it anyway. Yeah, but I'm breaking the law by selling drugs as a starter. You're breaking the law

by buying them alcohol? I'm selling... I'm not being a drug dealer. You are? Alcohol's a drug? I'm not going to Nick for getting a fucking bottle of Glen's for some kids.

You would? You wouldn't go to prison? I think it's a £1,000 fine. £1,000? The fine's annoyingly big. Well. Also, we didn't need that when we were kids because we had John Moore,

who was a year older than me and looked 38 when he was 15. He's at a university? Fucking massive beard. We had Tony the Smackhead who lived down the street who'd do anything for enough Haribo for his kids.

Oh. He had seven kids and if you gave him enough money that he could buy all his kids sweets he'd go and get you whatever you wanted see Adam bullshits so much and I've heard so many stories of Dovecot I don't know if it's bullshit or absolutely true

I can tell you his full name his wife's full name and the full name of every single one of his children including one of them that I was best made to it until he sort of got taken the wrong way when he got to like 13, 14. Taken the wrong way.

He just put like... He was a bad lad. Not a bad lad. He was just, because of the environment he grew up in, he went a certain way with his life. Bit naughty. Yeah. Not like bad, but like both of his parents

were severe drug addicts. So like, it's not like it's easy to you know run a fortune 500 company after that no one saw that one come in yeah fortune 500

three 16 year olds outside the offy and they're like oh lad just go in and get us a fucking bottle of Bombay Sapphire there you're safe specific gin as well?

Or, you know, the... I prefer him to be like, I want some huge. Can I have some Whitney Neal? Do us a favour, lad. Just go in there. Just any one of the Whitney Neal flavoured gins. And a bottle of Drambuie.

Can we get us some port? You wouldn't do it? I think 16. Maybe, yeah. If I knew, like, within reason? I think 16. Maybe, yeah. If I knew, like, within reason they were 16, I'd be like,

yeah, that's fine. 16, I think, is all right. I think if they were younger than 16, in that age, even though I drank younger than that and I got people to go in for me younger than that and got really pissed off

when no one did, I don't think I could. 13 and below. 14, yeah. 15, 16, 17 is what I'm on about. Where is it? In Sorghal? If it's a home fixture, I don't think I could. 13 and below. Yeah, 15, 16, 17 is what I'm on about. Where is it? In Sorghal? Like, leave an age.

If it's a home fixture, I don't know. That's my gaff. I have to be there all the time. If it's an away leg, like, round your way. Oh, so you're just happy to go and fuck up the kids in Newton-le-Willows, are you? I'm always buying booze for kids in Newton-le-Willows. If I was in Glasgow,

I'd do whatever they wanted because they scare me. But, like, not where I... There's one shop in our village. I'm not fucking with that. What I was in Glasgow, I'd do whatever they wanted because they scare me. But like, not where I, there's one shop in our village. I'm not fucking with that. But you're 16. What's a bottle of vodka going to do?

The difference when you're 18? No, I'm not. Mate, I don't give a fuck about them drinking. I don't want to get a thousand pound fine. Could you just find out how much it is?

It just says you could be prosecuted. Yeah, you can get undercover busies. You can be fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, 80 pounds. Oh, right, right.

Take it all back. Yeah, fuck it. 80, there you go. Bosh, they're having aies. You're going to be fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, £80. Oh, right, right. Take it all back. Yeah, fuck it. £80. There you go, Bosh. They're having a great time on the park. If they're undercover busies as well, I think you can get them dead to life. Have you got a job at 16?

Yeah, employment law. It's entrapment as well. Yeah. Double GF leads, you can't, do you? How do you say it? Out the shop. Because you can walk out the shop and give it to them and go, ah, what did he mess up?

So you just leave it in the shop. And then you just drink all the vodka in front of them. Yeah, this is what I do. I love this on a Friday. 70 cents litres of Grant's vodka. He's got it. You buy it and leave it in the shop.

When they go in and take it, they booked it, or not you, you've just left your bottle of vodka in the shop. Tied it in the crisps. Talk me through it. So you are paying your money and then they've just got to go and shoplift it in the crisps talk me through it so you are paying

your money and then they've just got to go and shoplift it anyway that they could have done paid for no paid for sorry what

right you buy a bottle of vodka then go back and put it in the shop no no and they have to go and get it no no

it's not shoplifting but it's paid for is it so here's what you do right you buy the vodka and you go towards the door, but you just put it on the floor by the door and you walk out and you go,

oh, I think I've left me vodka by the floor in there. By the floor. It's in and around the floor. And you keep walking away. Are you losing your remember? I'm in a rush. They go in and pick it up and they innocently chase after you. Mr. is your vodka? You're like, no. Mr. Mr. No. Yeah. No. I'm in a rush I'm in a rush they go in and pick it up and they innocently chase after you

Mr. is your vodka you're like no Mr. Mr. no no I'm in a rush also

I'm not drinking that stuff anymore I'm a changed man and then they get their vodka but all you've done is forget a bottle of vodka and they haven't shoplifted it have they it's not shoplifting

it's paid for you can shove your 85 and fine up your arse 80 80 yeah 85 and fine if you leave a bottle of. 80, yeah. 85 and fine. If you leave a bottle of Febreze in Tesco and someone runs after you with it,

you haven't stolen it and you haven't also bought anything for children. The key is to go into a shop, buy loads of things, and leave them in there. And then everyone can just fucking take them. How is that dog back in here? The dog isn't back in here.

Wallace is out there and he's crying. But there is some kind of dog in here. Oh no. A hot dog. And that's why Wallace is crying because he can smell a hot dog. Finry, can you pass that to Dan, please? Pass it to me.

Can I give some to Wallace? No. This is a non-branded hot dog. Five fellas made it. Oh, you're about to fucking change me. Fucking tiny. So we're done with the yeah well drive-thru was b&q was it we've all emotionally moved guys probably oh that's busy as fuck

right so uh as a grown adult dan you are 42 and this is your first ever hot dog how do you feel tell you what they've done really well with this. I've never had a hot dog from Five Guys. There's a bit... There's a chunk of mustard on that. So that is the acquired taste. The onions are nice and caramelised. Nice. What I would say is they've cut the sausage in half and charred the middle of it.

Oh! Oh! Oh, you absolute cunt. Oh, it's just jizzed on Adam. God, we're all making sacrifices today, aren't we, guys? If it helps, I can't see anything from here on you. Does Wallace love hot dogs? But I knew for...

It's just mainly on door. It's meat. It smells like meat. He loves hot meat. Yeah. Here we go. Hot dog for Daniel. Let me just introduce this

because this will probably be a socials clip. It is. These aren't caramelized. They're just fried. Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Adam Rowe. I host the Have A Weird Podcast. This is my co-host. What are you doing?

Within the pod... It's Inception. Podception. I'm just doing it for the social clip. You can cut this out of the episode, but leave it in the clip. I'm trying. I'll leave it in.

I like it. Could you go and get me a full fat Coke? I need... If this isn't right, I need to wash this down. Right, cool. Go. Are we ready?

I'm ready. Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Adam Rowe. I host the Have A Word podcast. This is my podcast co-host and business partner, Daniel Nightingale. He is an absolute fucking lunatic when it comes to food. He's scared of it. That's what he says as he sees things he doesn't like. He, in his entire life, has never eaten a hot dog.

And it's going to change today, is it? And he's about to try a hot dog for the first time. We're just getting him a Coca-Cola so he can wash it down when he inevitably hates it and spits it all over the table like he did with the steak bake last week. Oh, with the steak bake. It was horrible. 42 years.

The amount of abuse I got about that steak bake. Here we go. Hot dog. I'm really glad I said I didn't like onions and I've never tried mustard because they've got it all on there. Thanks, Steve. Thanks for ordering that. Big bite.

Don't be a fucking pussy about it. We love you. There's some loud cheering in the mic. Oh my God. He likes it, you know. Yeah. I think he does like it. He's not spotted out.

Come on, Dan. Oh my God. He's smiling. What's going on. He's smiling. What's going on? He's smiling. Oh. That was pretty good.

Yeah! That's got such, it's bucacchi in mustard. Yeah. There's fun onions all over the place. That mustard just reminds me of like a burger. Like almost like a McDonald's. I've had a burger with that on, have I? Yeah, you've had one with that on, yeah. From like a McDonald's. I've had a burger with that on. Have I?

Yeah. McDonald's, yeah. Mustard. The mustard on the Mackey's burgers. Wow. I have mustard on Mackey's burgers. You do, yeah. Do they?

Yeah. All right. That reminds me of that. It's not bad. Out of 10? What are we doing the out of 10 out of? Okay. I just want to define the out of 10 out of okay for the new can we do i just want to define the out

of 10 for my new foods is it out of 10 because i was expecting to hate it yeah it's an eight it's its own lane for a new thing that i was not into eight here's my question to the food i like five do would you ever order it if they didn't have anything else that I prefer this is now potentially on the like you know

we did sausage rolls yeah if I was hungry and there was a sausage roll going I'd have a bit fucking proud of you these onions aren't bad so proud

that is like a proper rogue one that could have gone bad yeah we really downplayed how risky the hot dog was to be honest with you so proud that is like a proper rogue one that could have been bad yeah we really downplayed how risky the hot dog was to be honest with you yeah

that's alright we're fucking proud of you I'm so proud of you well done Dan would it be would it be better for content if I spied it out though no

alright okay cool because we're watching your growth live people are watching well you are this is not going to be the last thing you try oh my god he's he loves it he's wolfing it down you fucking love it don't you you're wolfing it aren't you you big wolf we've still got the picture when i first had a french fry on holiday i was about 11 i tried to chip for the first time. What? My mum cried. My mum cried. She was so happy.

For the first 10 years of your life, 11 years of your life, you didn't try a French fry? No chips? No. What were you living on? What did you eat? Cheese on brown,

melted cheese on brown toast. Not white ever? Brown toast with cheese? Because my mum was like, this is the only thing he eats, so I'll give him the healthier version of it by the way I didn't like cheese toasties

but I could eat them most things I was like I don't like it couldn't put it in my mouth and then a plate of fruit and a like a little fromage frais or something

like a little yogurt that was every night apart from Saturdays when I got to eat what I want which was like four rounds of white toast with flora on it. That's what I would have eaten left to my own devices. Maybe a bowl of cornflakes.

Girl dinner. I think you've got autism. Do you have food autism? I don't know, man. This is... Why didn't you get me on this earlier? You should have said something about my eating. I don't know.

That is wild. We need to start your own channel man tries food and it's not like wild food it's just like you eating like normally those things on the internet you have to get like a it's just a guy from sorgo as you're going through this has that gone up from a five i feel like that you you said eight compared to how you hate it in 5 in general this is more like a 6 or a 6 and a half it's going there yeah oh my god also I get what you mean

about splitting the sausage yes I can feel that I can taste the charry that's a good move yeah well done Dan well done

we love you thanks right more questions can you get me into kale because all of these fucking new options are right for me I've never had doner meat

right should we do some confessions that's next week yeah alright to kale because all of these fucking new options are right for me. I've never had Doner meat. Right. Should we do some confessions? That's next week. Yeah. All right. From a good gaff. The thing is with Doner meat is it's so obviously bad for you that it just tastes great.

You'll regret it about an hour later because it will hit your stomach. Yeah. Nobody enjoys eating it. You'll regret it about an hour later because it will hit your stomach. Yeah. Nobody enjoys eating it. You can't really... I'd be very, very, very surprised if you are revolted by Doner Meat. I think you'll just be like, that's...

It'll be like, you'll get it. You'll just be like, oh, I get that. I'm not in any rush to have it loads, but then you'll end up ordering it on a night out one time. You know, part of the reason I haven't eaten Doner meat

is because it's not particularly good for you, is it? No. It's like, bad. So when I was learning to eat food, because I didn't have meat until I was like 23, 24. So I was like, there's no point learning to eat that because it's not good. I made a choice to go, there's no point. If I don't eat that, it's not good. I made a choice to go.

There's no point. If I don't eat that, it's not a bad thing. For your whole teenage years, you had toast. I started eating garlic bread when I was about 13 and I had my first pizza. Which, by the way, is just toast. Sounds like a James English podcast. When did you start eating garlic bread?

Well, I think I was about 13. I wish you totally parodied. It was like Stephen Bartlett, James English podcast with Dan and with his food. When did you start eating garlic bread? Well, I think I was about 13. Yeah. I wish you'd totally parodied. It was like Stephen Bartlett, James English Podcast with Dan with his food. That makes such a funny clip. So you'd started stand-up before you'd ever had any meat? Oh, yeah.

I've been doing comedy longer than I've been eating meat. Had you done cocaine before you tried meat? Yeah. What the fucking hell and you had no qualms about shoving something up your nose yeah but meat

doesn't make you feel oh I suppose it does it does yeah yeah can't go dancing on kebab you know you have a kebab after you dance

depends what you dance right let's do some confessions let's do it let's do a few of these and then we'll call it a break because I'm starving. I'm not.

Mouthful. Confessions. I love that Barry says that at the end. As always, these are anonymous. Send them in to haveawordpod at gmail.com or if you're on the Patreon. I don't know if you know, I just did a burp, guys. If you're on the Patreon, give us a DM.

This first one. Yo, confession. I set up an anonymous Facebook account in order to fat shame my brother's daughter. She's some fucking size and they don't care. Any penance? Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Wow. Oh, God. How old is she? Did you not tell me? I'll fill in some blanks I reckon she's 13 14 right

so she she's a heifer which happens it happens to the best of us it does and he's become an internet troll to bully

his niece into losing some weight but that's not how bullying works you're just gonna make her wanna kill herself you're not gonna make like

losing weight is hard. And it's especially hard if you're a fat teenage girl. Yeah. Like, people at school are already doing this, mate. You are not helping. You are adding to a problem. Incredible uncle instincts. You know, I love this kid.

You know, I love it. And I want this kid to just do as well. So what I'm going to do, because I love the kid, I'm going to go on Facebook and bully her online because that's what an uncle does. What terrible fucking instinct that is. Facebook as well.

This child needs to fucking move on. Get on Instagram, kid. Facebook. Gimp. She's probably a gimp as well. She probably hasn't even seen it. She hasn't looked in for years. When she opens MySpace,

she's in for it. What's his penance? To delete Facebook. That's not penance, though, is it? If anything, that's good for his mental health. And he deserves a battering

to his mental health. Yeah. I think he needs to tell, what is it, his brother? Yeah. Tell his brother. You've got to tell your brother, but also,

I think you need to put so much weight on that she feels skinny in comparison to you that's great volunteer at a fat camp they do that they still do them

don't they do they fat camps that's not what they are no they're called like you know body realignment camps

chunky club chunky club are they the ones that were like on telly they used to have them on like telly didn't they the biggest loser and all that

yeah that's where Rick Waller became famous wasn't it wasn't that Pop Idol yeah didn't he then go on to he became famous on Pop Idol didn't he I think that was Celebrity Fazzies that's the name

channel 4 Laura's brother went to one when he was a kid so that would have been in the 90s went for like a summer camp what do you do when he was a kid. So that would have been in the 90s. Went for like a summer camp. Finan has more in the audience. What do you do at fat camp? Just not eat? It's like,

probably like activities and not a lot of snacks. I would suggest. Sounds like prison. Move more, eat less. I just, I think they had a show

on BBC Three where they like, it was similar to what we've just done with Dan, but it was like getting people to try like celery oh yeah just to try the risers yeah like looking at a brock broccoli oh no that the food phobia one yeah oh there's a whole show with the food phobia thing but it was bigger people there was a girl like i've drank two liters of like cherry coke every

day and i have like mac and cheese three times a day that sounds like me do you ever i'm i'm sure we spoke about this on the podcast before do you ever remember don't try this at home with davina mccall unbelievable and it was like it was a combination of people doing mad things but also facing the phobias oh yeah so there was like a higher one i can see in my head some the one that I remember clear as day, and I guarantee it'll be on YouTube if we look for it. A woman was scared of bananas. And they got a man to dress in a banana fancy dress costume

and run at her. And then she had to go into like... It looked like a prototype of The Cube with Philip Schofield. Full of bananas. Don't try this at home. I think that's what it was called. No, it was. It was, but

don't try that at home. Don't do this at home. That is TV producers at their best, innit? Right. These people are shit scared of this. But we're doing that.

Let's scare the fuck out of them with that and record it and we'll be like, we're trying to help. Late 90s is the Wild West, innit i was i missed it but i've seen loads on youtube for tv that's just stuff you wouldn't be able to do now oh it's so funny have you ever eaten a broccoli dan no wow i love broccoli see you 10% broccoli is gorgeous is it yeah

well i've never seen the flavors you put on it are good. Yeah. It's a vessel to get chilli and garlic into your mouth, isn't it? Yeah. Chilli and garlic broccoli? Yeah. Turkish broccoli? Tender stand broccoli. Asian, really.

Tender stand broccoli is really like a South Asian thing. Like an Asian beach. No, East Asian thing. Oh, tender stand. Yeah. It's long, thin broccoli. Not like the big, chunky one. I was thinking of anglican

broccoli right one more confession then we'll go for lunch uh wag wag ackerson stanley don castor rovers cheltenham town and forest green rovers got a confession for you so a few years ago my pal had a partner i thought was very attractive out of nowhere one day he asked if i wanted to see her nudes i knew that was a shitty thing for him to do but i couldn't decline the offer finn you do me a favor yeah you start this again because i was uh thinking about something I wanted to see her nudes. I knew that was a shitty thing for him to do, but I couldn't decline the offer. Finn, can you do me a favor? Yeah. Can you start this again?

Because I was thinking about something to happen to me when I was in year nine. Do it again. Best mate, fit bird. He said, do you want to see her nudes?

That's pretty much it. His best mate has got a, is in a relationship with a girl and he's showing his mate hair nudes. He's right. Well, you're the dickhead,

but hey. Yeah. Yeah. I knew that was a shitty thing for him to do but i couldn't decline the offer horny rat brain took over suffice to say they were great and were great material for imagination wanks i regularly beat the meat to my mate's girlfriend do i deserve jermaine you you deserve penance to hair not to him he's a scumbag. You're as bad, if not worse. And no, you're just as bad as each other. He's the bad one, the guy shown, I think. The boyfriend?

He's booked a trust, hasn't he, of her? Yeah, so he's a literal criminal, I think. Oh, yeah. Because she hasn't consented to him seeing this. It'll be revenge porn now. Yeah, he's a criminal. It's digital rapey vibes, isn't it? Yeah. He's a criminal. It's digital rapey vibes, isn't it? Yeah.

First of all, she can't... She can never know, I don't think. No, no. I think she needs to know. Do you reckon, yeah? I think your penance is that you need to tell her in front of him. And I know, I'm sorry to go so serious and not take this one funny, but this goes on so often,

and I think it's so bang out of order. There's a lot of lads who think this is normal. It's not. It's really not. And you shouldn't be doing that. You've got to come clean to her. And you also need to do something really nice for her. He hasn't got them.

No, it doesn't matter. I don't know if that's... It doesn't matter. Well, he's going to blow up the friendship and the relationship. But you need to. That sort of matches the fact that it's morally reprehensible, isn't it? To be like, look at my girl's biff.

It's disgusting. And if she breaks up with him, also, if he said it like that, I actually think he deserves a little bit of kudos. Look at my girl's biff. Look at my girl's biff, Dave. World-class biff. Look at her.

Look at her little rat. Fucking prize-winning tats on that. You make her disgusted and if she breaks up with him because of it, he's only got himself to blame, not you. Because if he showed them to you, he's probably showed them to other people as well.

Yeah, he's a nasty man. She doesn't deserve that. No. I give the same right now, girls. Anyone who sends me a picture of their pussy, my eyes only. That's nice, actually. But don't, because who sends me a picture of their pussy, my eyes only. That's nice, actually. But don't, because he's in a relationship,

and it'll cause murder. Give her one of them big chupa-chups with loads of chupa-chups inside. Just do something really nice to her. I always thought that was a big lollipop. Fucking not, is it? It's a plastic with loads of lollipops inside. I don't know which one I prefer, though.

A big lollipop or millions of little ones. Yeah. And famously, women who've suffered assault, they love a chupa-chup. So that's solved it, isn't it? with loads of lollipops inside. I don't know which one I prefer, though. A big lollipop or millions of little ones. Yeah. Big lollipops. And famously, women who've suffered assault, they love a chupa-chop. So that's solved it, innit? Chupa-chop. Have you ever had one?

A chupa-chop? A chupa-chop? Chupa-chop. Oh, a chupa-chop? Yeah, a chupa-chop. Ah, that's where I've been going wrong. Have you ever had the chupa-chop? What?

Have you ever had the chupa-chop? Oh, yeah. Have you? Yeah. You haven't had it yet? Yeah. The lollipops? Yeah. I like the cola one. Have you ever had a brain licker? Oh, God. Have you? You haven't had it yet? Yeah. The lollipops? Yeah.

I like the cola one. Do you ever have a brain licker? What's a brain licker? It's, to be fair, you might have an acquired taste.

It's like battery acid but you lick it off like a deodorant. Do you remember? It's like a roll on deodorant for your tongue. Did you have push pops

when you were at school or are they gone by the time you were at school? What does that do? Push, push pop. It's like a little pen the ocean for your tongue. Did you have push pops when you were at school or are they gone by the time you're at school? What does that do? Push pop. It's like a little pen and you push it up. Oh, yeah. We had whistle pops as well. Only reason to go on the chemist.

They had whistle pops in like 1820 though, weren't they? Yeah, it is. They were amazing. I'm not going to chemist. I'll get you to whistle pop. Get in the car. Oh, yeah.

We had push pops. Unbelievable. So this guy he's got a brain that was an amazing we didn't do the screech but that's like some woman being victimised

and then going that's fucking serious and you're out of order choppa chops anyone anyone remember class choppa choppa vision that's how my brain works

yeah your mate's disgusting you're not much better she deserves better than both of you come clean do the right thing. That's your parents.

A serious one, because this is a serious confession. They are cool. Heartbreak lollipop. Pick one. Lollipop, isn't it? She gets both, doesn't she? She gets both.

Break is... You can't press record when we're already laughing at some off camera banter er he wasn't even naughty what

he was just stupid it's good one day we are going to say something naughty and the cameras are going to be on and Mazzy Mazzy Manga is going to take it really personally

and he's going to leak all the stuff he's definitely collecting on wait till JJ acotches it JJ acotches it no that will be the day

er Adam Woolard aka Shuffle Tears here what would you prefer us to address you as while you're sat in here the big shuff or just the big just the most people call me shuff

wife, dad, mum but all my work colleagues call me shuff I see them you say we're colleagues do you mean people in the community or do you mean them but also whenever i go into a job they usually call me chef for like what do you do for work uh i write like comedy sketches for companies okay yeah yeah i mean i mean i do that like once or twice a week and then I do other stuff in the meantime but yeah everyone there calls me Shuff when you walked in and said Adam I was like no who is that

the Shuffster that'll be fine for those who don't know of Shuff's work you are Shuffle T a battle rap extraordinaire one of the best in the world former 2 on 2 champion alongside Marlo in the Sh, former two-on-two champion alongside Marlowe in the Shuffle and Marlowe...

What's this? Current. Current. Still holding. Oh, really? I can't believe you didn't know that. When was your last defender? Seven years ago.

About seven years ago, yeah. So redundant two-on-two holder. That's a fucking big COVID year. That's a really big... There's no one left. There is no one left, to be fair. We've got two we're defending it

in November against two guys from America because we have essentially battled everyone Dan who would you if you had two people

to put up against Shuffletee and Marlowe who would you pick against Marlowe and Shuffletee oh well you've got to be careful because obviously

I know the big Shuff but Marlowe he's excellent what's your favourite thing about Marlowe I Marlow he's excellent what's your favourite thing about Marlow I was going to ask you what's your favourite thing about Marlow

or top five either one it's one of my top five favourite things very punctual you know whenever I've been to one of the

battle rap events that flashes up on Marlow's battles before you know they do like the graphic before the battles there's like attributes

the first thing that comes up is punctual he's already here he found parking this afternoon i'm surprised you've never really got into uh rap battles really because me and carl talk about it a lot and we watch them in the break sometimes like in the in the lobby but yeah but they also watch supermarket sweep just i want to be totally honest got a fucking bar but you're you're into you're like you're hip-hop and stuff aren't you I want to be told Well, Dale has got a fucking bar I'm surprised, man

But you're into your hip-hop and stuff, aren't you? Yeah You like wordplay and you like hip-hop I don't like wordplay, who's ever said that? Can't be doing with it When we're watching fucking supermarket sweep out there You're normally watching Tim Vine videos on your phone Of all the bullshit we've ever said

Why did that irritate me not so ah puns not so pale witten you called him the other day and then I laughed at myself

because I love wordplay and he's dead he's pale now he's dead he's dead pale now yeah watch out you'll be fucking

battling these two who are you picking because you know anybody in the world you know Chris Akabusi Eamon Holmes we've done them we've done them he's cleared of the vision he's a piss as well they're done Who are you picking? Because, you know, anybody in the world, you know, Chris Akabusi, Eamon Holmes.

We've done them. We've done them. It's clear to the vision. He's a piss, isn't he? They're done. John Cena and... And the kid who's dying that week. Yeah. They're winning that.

You might have to wait a couple of weeks to get the best one because some of them are a bit low energy. You didn't want to swim with dolphins you wanted to battle rap with Marlo what was your most recent battle?

it was about two weeks ago it was in Liverpool it was versus Harry Baker oh of course I was desperate to go to that but I had a tour show away from town so I couldn't be there but then the one before that was

Shottie who you've had on the show we had Shottie on the show Shottdy for a while me and him were talking about me and him battling it's like a crossover i remember seeing that come up on twitter now and then we were talking we were talking about it for ages on text and it he uh he shits his pants to be honest yeah yeah that's how to get it i sent him some of me drafts and he was like lad i'll never recover yeah he talks about it a lot. He says, I will never come back from this. Professionally or financially.

He's just like, yeah. You know what I mean? What? I've got a tickle in my throat. Because you, you 3-0'd, Shioti. Not officially. Officially, he won.

Who judged it? Who were the judges? Which one? There was three people. It was... Sorry, just before you answer that question, I realised I did ask it and I am interrupting you answering the question that I've asked, who judged it who were the judges there was three people it was sorry just before you answer that question I realised I did ask it

and I am interrupting you answering the question that I've asked but I will do that a lot and get fucking used to it how can you get three nil then lose so here's the thing

battle rap Dan listen right very subjective so sometimes people like ear one other times people

like ear one so what will have happened is Shottie Horror and Shuffle Tea will have had a little fight with words and there'll be five people who've judged it and at least three of them have give it to Shottie. However, I watched it on the internet

and I think he won. And you think you won? Well, yeah, that's fair. I think I won, but then, you know, I suppose you usually do the scorecards there's like judge in boxing yeah right yeah it's like a bad decision you could say yeah well i mean i've read about it you know it is what it is and like that you know that kind

of thing happens quite often i don't really mind you know for me i never i never despite it being a really competitive thing like game or sport or whatever like I don't necessarily go out into a battle thinking I want to win over this person I want to get all three judges voting for me I am pretty like solidified in wanting to get the audience to have the best possible time and so sometimes I do things that aren't even about that person very directly which is you know a way to lose a battle um sometimes i just do like this random sort of like thing that i know the audience are gonna like but it's not very like cutting it's not very like barbed or you know it's not gonna you just want to be insane and everyone's like the crowd like i want to rip the gig that sounds like ripping a gig yeah yeah what's that well like you want to

like there's a comic you just want to smash it in the room that's that's Well, like, you want to, like, as a comic, you just want to smash it in the room. That's nice. That's all I want. And because it comes out online afterwards, and that's where, you know, more people see it online than see it live, obviously. Like, it makes such a better watch for people for it to be, like, a good atmosphere in the battle. Sorry, in the room with, like, the people reacting and stuff.

So I just want to get the biggest reaction so that people don't feel awkward watching it because you can watch battles where there's not much reaction and it just doesn't feel particularly watchable. And so you can be really insulting to that person and have all this sort of personal stuff. But then if the audience aren't clapping

every couple of minutes, then you feel like you're kind of missing something and you're not really in it. You just want it to be fun, everyone to have fun, everyone to have a night. That's all I want. When your girlfriend who doesn't like the football gets involved for the champions league finals yeah

like that i like england actually no they're good yeah i like that phone me like his haircut he's lovely it's like his mum's xl bully that she rides around the living room no one likes his hair cut by the way yeah it's a terrible looks like a medieval monk says me bald as fuck because you've got got to play it though, haven't you? Oh, yeah. Unbelievable. Have you ever lost a battle where you've gone,

oh no, fuck, oh no, the shite are deadly. Have you ever been like pissed, not pissed off, but like that was a robbery? Well, like what happened with the shoddy one was that I got the result like

a couple of hours after when I was in the pub down the road. And so like usually they just do it there and then you sort of like turn it around and then you know before you even leave the stage who won so that one I left the stage thinking oh I'm pretty sure I won that but I was also like doesn't matter and then people coming up to me and going I think you won that and then

I was getting so convinced that I did that when I got told oh no it was shotty 2-1 I was like oh oh okay like I was I wasn't like annoyed I was like, oh, oh, okay. Like I was, I wasn't like annoyed. I was just a bit surprised. But there's a few things to say that, because obviously I know there's a chunk of our listeners that do watch the battles, especially after we've had O'Shea and Shotty on before.

Um, but for those who don't know as well, I think it's well, it's worth saying there's a couple of things with that in that. First of all, um, Shotty is what the biggest name in UK battle rap. Yeah. So, you know, you're going to get a lot of views from it anyway yeah yeah and the second thing my adhd kicked in i forgot what it was was this in manchester good point was this in manchester because i imagine this

is in london oh shotty owns the league so there could have been a bit of you know fucking set blaster and about it maybe we are starting shit with shotty today. He does co-own the league but I don't, I genuinely don't think that's true. I said that in the battle that, oh, he owns the league

so of course he's going to win. Yeah. That was just because I knew the audience would sort of half agree with that. Yeah. But like realistically,

you know. I think he gave him too much credit there. I think he's a shady little cunt. We love Shotty by the way. Apparently Adam is trying to book a special in that we didn't know was happening

there's also no actual benefit to winning like if you win or lose it is exactly the same result for you like you don't get any more money you don't people don't watch more of you like people just watch and make their own decisions so like there's no actual benefit in winning or losing it it makes no difference to the end result really it just makes a bit of tension for the people on the day where you're doing the battle does that make a difference because like as a liverpool comic you in manchester there's that thing but you're not going up against like a local lad necessarily they just decide if they like you or not is it is there places where like if you come up to liverpool and you're battling oh oh shay oh battling O'Shea, is it harder or are the crowds pretty fair? I would say it would be harder.

I've battled twice, no, three times in Liverpool. The first time was against someone from Liverpool and you could tell in the room that they wanted that guy to win. This was back in like 2013, 14, something like that. A guy called Ricky Wiley, who's really good, but like the crowd were like, I want that guy. Ricky Wiley, who's really good, but like the crowd were like, I want that guy. He used to be the show manager at Laughter House.

You know Ricky? Yeah. Yeah, from Laughter House. That's him. He used to be in a two-on-two with O'Shea. They were called Ricochet. You do know wordplay? Fuck off!

Oh my God. He was great. He's really surreal. I think he's now the ops manager at the Philharmonic Hall, wordplay fuck off oh my god he was great he's really surreal I think he's now the ops manager at the Philharmonic Hall so you're gonna see him in a couple of weeks

oh nice you smash that gig lad 2013 14 who were the other people you battled in Liverpool so there was one

at Hot Water Comedy called again it's Rob Mulholland. Oh yeah. Who you guys know. Yeah, we were there. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. Who won that? He probably won that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew that.

I just wanted to just say it. Do you know who else really wants me to say it? Eddie Fortune. I got battled by Eddie Fortune because I didn't take it seriously. And he said, I look like a portion of chips

wrapped in a t-shirt and I don't think I've ever really recovered from that. I think I'm getting into battle rap that he didn't even rhyme it he just said it he was like well he's one it's the imagery alone but yeah rob rob rob won that one rob's big into it though isn't he yeah yeah yeah also i just did not expect it i thought i was taking it easy i thought i was getting like you know it's comedians versus rappers. Like there's obviously so many things that come into your head. Like, oh, well, comedian will be funnier,

but a rapper will, you know, we do a element of sort of, it's like stand up a bit sometimes in the battles. Like we make jokes that people, you know, but what always, what it always comes down to is like the techers of it. Like the, do you know how to like do multi-syllabic rhymes and like effective wordplay that's like works in the grand scheme of

like rhythm and and and works effectively with like syllable count and stuff like that and so i was like well i doubt he's gonna get that level of it and then he fucking did the cunt and i was just like for fuck's sake these are my you know you know, my mates are here. Yeah. This is embarrassing. You literally phoned it in. He's just a comedian. I quite literally phoned it in and he's come out and beat the shit out of me. I've gone, that's annoying. Would you battle him again?

Try and write it? Yeah, fucking write a word. Yeah. Any time. Not Holland. I do think, not that like it's going to be any time soon, but I do think long term there should be like a have a word battle event. We're just the third event, but surely there's enough affinity there that we should.

Oh yeah. I think we just bought one slot, didn't we? Wouldn't that be good? What? Robin. Oh yeah, Robin.

Yeah. Oh yeah, the rematch. Yeah, do that, yeah. The big show off. Yeah.

Against the big comedian. What was the first ever battle you watched? How did you get into it? What was the first ever battle you watched? I used to watch on repeat, Iron Solomon versus Math. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I know every word to that battle, even though it's quite clearly like, into it what was the first time about you watched i used to watch on repeat i and solomon versus math oh yeah i know every way it's that battle even though it's quite clearly like it's not like what you do it's quite written isn't it yeah obviously yours is written but like it's really

like that was like hybrid time where people were sort of half freestyle and half yeah yeah it was like a bit more freestyle element because it was so fresh off the freestyle thing but um like i first got into it because like classic middle class white kid who wants to get into rap watching eminem and listening to eminem and then watching through everything on youtube and then eventually it comes up with like his battles from the 90s which are freestyle but when you watch them they're not freestyle yeah some of them end up in the album some of the stuff he's saying ends up in the album and then um that led on to like i think it was kruger versus lnc he's sold on twitter that there's a steamed ham video oh my he's fucking brilliant he's so funny kruger can i ask

you a question that i've sort of worried about just um obviously you're a middle-class white lad yeah and you're in now the battle rap world and every single sort of uh rapper that considers themselves at least to have legitimacy in that scene i see that they're all friends with you but then in every battle they will bring that up they'll be like you're the posh white guy why the fuck are you in our game sort of thing have you ever been in any situation at any battle events in the world where you felt like there was a genuine feeling of that where they're like, you don't fucking belong here? Nah, I never.

Whether it's like LA and like Inglewood or like any, no, never. Because people bring that up because like, you know how like if you're a comedian, you go on and you go, I know what you're thinking. Why is Harry Potter crossed with Hagrid coming coming on stage because it's what everyone can see you see my first video it's what everyone everyone in the room is thinking all you're doing is breaking the

tension and going oh you're in safe hands i think that's the same thing everyone can see what i look like and how i sound and they know that so if you go oh he's a posh middle white middle class white guy then you can say that and everyone in the room knows exactly what you're talking about. And then you can dig down a bit and get into the stuff that wouldn't be as apparent, but you've got to get people on side. And so you've got to say, what does this person look like? What, what is everyone going to think? And I'll just say something that I'll agree with. But in reality, I don't, I genuinely don't feel any of that tension. I don't think it's

there okay i genuinely don't community la in inglewood i mean that sounds mental yeah it is mental and have you done it a few times i've battled once in la the inglewood one was at and i went to an event the day before my battle and then i went to and actually had the event not in la um or in la but not in inglewood i can't remember what the area was but like it was around there and yeah it was fucking mental someone someone had a fight mid-battle someone punched in fact math was that what you were there this disaster a californian-based guy just smacked math huffer in the mouth after doing like a whole thing about how he once hit someone else in the mouth during a battle and he's like you're a piece of shit for

that i should punch you right now and then math hoffer goes do it and then he just fucking does and i've never walked so quickly in my life out of a room i was like honestly like beeline for the exit i was like i can't run not not here but i fucking i was like malcolm in the middle's dad in that episode where he's doing the speed running i was out of there and i was fucking terrified you know the white boy white middle class boy in inglewood when there's a bus stop exactly how is that a lifetime ban by the way no no i think i've done it to me you get banned for as long as the promotion company, as they're called, leagues,

are willing to sort of put up with not having you able to sell tickets. Like, there's a Scottish guy called Soul who punched someone over here and got banned. But Soul's, like, one of the best to ever do it, certainly with his writing. And I think Salah wins out. It's views. I've seen that battle because of that punch. And when they come back, it's a big return. And it obviously you know what's going to happen what's going to get said yeah

exactly and everyone wants to yeah exactly everyone wants to see that be talked about yeah like that's the only thing that will come up but it'll be it'll be great you know but they as much as there is benefits to the leagues in the future battles for like something like that happening and the views that that battle gets it is still genuinely not liked by the people isn't it like the people who've won it are still like we do not want that no as much as we will benefit from it they're like this is this whole scene is supposed to be so that doesn't happen yeah exactly that's the whole fucking point of doing a rap battle is like if you've got issue like most of the time we're all friends with each other you go up against someone you relatively like them that's why you agree to it in the first place.

So that's why it comes up. Sometimes you're against people you genuinely dislike. Why would you do that unless to get it all out in the open? Have you ever battled anyone you genuinely dislike? Yeah. Who? Rob Mulholland. It's on!

No, I had a battle against a guy called Anton Murphy back in the day. Oh, I've watched that, yeah. He was just being an arsehole. He was on Big Brother before and there was i had a battle against a guy called anton murphy back in the day i've watched that yeah and there was a he was just he was just being an arsehole he was on big brother before and there was this whole like yeah he got like a you know he got known off that and then he just came into the scene and was just being a dick to everyone and then i battled him because i was just like you're being an arsehole and then yeah got it all out in the open we haven't talked since didn't mend anything still Still ate them, actually. What was your question? Have you ever written a bar where you've gone,

actually, I can't even say that? Yeah. I just remembered what it was. Yeah. Can you say it? Who was it for? It was for... We did a version... So it was in a 2-on-2 in Germany

against these guys henry bowers and nils muskills who actually one of them is swedish and one of them is finnish yes nils nils muskills you know it's great now i don't know what it is and um there was this whole bit at the end of the first have you seen that one it's a bit more obscure that one but like there's a whole bit where we do this whole um we want to apologize on behalf of all the englishmen who come from britain and do the hitler salute it's you know it's vivid it's rude it's timid it's crude and it only shows one image of you and there's so much more to your history too like all right well all i can think of right now is you killing the jew and uh that that's like in

the battle is like 30 to 45 seconds it was about three minutes before we went in but uh marlo was like we can't say some of this stuff and he was like you can't actually do the hit list and i was like i was looking into the laws i was like you can if it's for a performance it's the one time you can do it i was like this is a once in a lifetime opportunity to do it and reference it and we didn't do it because it was just too stupid it's still a risk isn't it yeah because the fact that marlo's gone you're not actually allowed to do that at all means there's probably police officers yeah and the security in that country who think that is the rule yeah exactly they won't know that the the small print of oh it's possible performance it's fine yeah exactly yeah and it would have been stupid anyway like

what would be added to it from that it was just like some stupid idea but yeah we didn't do that i get it have you ever been really offended by what someone said i know it's obviously what i've looked back most times if you ever gone oh that hurt it all it's all a bit hurtful if it's if it's meant to be then it usually is a little bit upsetting um i haven't had enough people i genuinely think if someone came up to me and went you've put on quite a bit of weight actually that would be more hard hitting than anything anyone said to me thus far you asked by the way i know i fucking know because i've got i've got the battles to watch back on and slowly see the

the increase year by year and go fucking hell so yeah no if someone said that genuinely it was just like you know you should probably stop eating as much because you've put on i would be fucking mortified people have said things similar like oh a bit a bit of extra timber and i've gone fucking hell i bet you can't see it but it's always it's always upsetting if someone says something but like you just have to roll with it yeah and it's a sign of a good battle like you want to be a bit offended yeah it adds to it because it adds to the tension in the moment and makes you do a better performance as a watch as well yeah yeah like yeah audible so yeah it's always a bit upsetting um i i don't i hope you don't mind me saying this

as a sort of representative of that scene uh you're gonna call me a fat cunt you you are a fat useless cunt oh i added the word it's nasty isn't it uh the the scene had a huge boom for a while when don't flop we're sort of running a lot of stuff and now don't flop it back doing things and premier battles there and i know there's some politics that we're not really going to go into between the two leagues and stuff yeah the views aren't quite what they once were um and i've noticed i always wondered why no rap battlers were posting clips of their battles on their social medias it was all left to youtube It was all like a picture and go and watch this. But you've started doing that a lot on TikTok.

Yeah. And another thing, and I'm wondering whether this is sort of, I'm not saying it wouldn't have happened without the views sort of drying up a little bit, but you've tried to take what's gone on in the battle scene and move it into the comedy space. I imagine with one eye on TV,

because you've designed your own panel show called sounds like yeah yeah so tell us about that because i know you did a few nights at the edinburgh fringe this year yeah yeah i did five nights at the fringe it was really fun it's like it is basically what you say like we're trying to sort of like shine a bit of a light on battle rappers and battle rap as a whole but but more battle rappers yeah to sort of show how good they are because like there's so much fucking talent in battle rap and and like you say the numbers have dwindled online but actually in the in the rooms they're pretty much the same like you probably couldn't sell like a thousand seat of venue anymore not see i'd never get seats but

like you could get you could still get like four five hundred people in a room and they'd enjoy the battle you know the event but i think i think there's it's always going to be the same people coming and it's always going to be like a rotation of crowds coming in and like it's really like a whole new it's not really finding new people at the minute and you're trying to find some new people that's what we're trying to do and and i think like shining a light on the battle rappers and going look how clever and funny these guys are just in conversation that's a way to make people go oh i'd like to see some more of that and then they'll just go down a rabbit hole because most people when people do see it they do go down a rabbit hole you watch one or two that's absolutely what i did and you lose hours of your

of your week paul smith introduced me to it oh really like really like 10 years ago maybe uh i think the first one he ever showed me was lunacy against mickey worthless yeah and then i just went on a ridiculous like uh and obviously i'd seen the likes of ian solomon and math school but i didn't get obsessed with it the way you did yeah it was the the sort of not completely early but like the earlier don't flop stuff that really got me uh got got me watching it yeah yeah because it's so it's so like it's every i feel like it's quintessentially british humor as well like and and i think like the further back you go the more it sort of was like super silly and stupid and everyone was just like it's just stupid your mum jokes and when you're a kid and you see that

sort of presented in a way that seems professional and like there's you know something behind it kind of gives you something to yeah spur on and like what want to do as well want to take part in so no one's clipping these out is that it's just not a done thing really shuffle started doing it well yeah people people do do it but like a lot of the time people do it and they are that's their page like they're not an actual battle of themselves they just go through they trawl through the stuff right i'll put up a bit of the time people do it and they are, that's their page. Like they're not an actual battle of themselves. They just go through, they trawl through the stuff. I'll put up a bit of this battle,

a bit of this battle, a bit of this battle. But battlers aren't doing it the way comedians do, where they cut a whole special up and put clip after clip out. Exactly. Which is what I do. I basically, if I have a battle,

like that battle against Harry Baker, that's not out to the public yet. It's just in the Patreon. And like, I've probably put out 50 50 of it in clips so far because people don't know if they're watching they don't know how much of the battle they've consumed yet they don't know if they've watched the whole thing or half of it or three quarters so they'll still go and see it see it all in context and see the other person's side of it

and then they'll get up you know yeah because you're just clipping out your lines because it feels unfair to be like yeah i just edit all the bits where he's quiet so it looks like he's choking what a fucking idiot have you ever been have you ever been near to choking have you ever like at the moment where you've gone shit i've forgot i've been what near to choking oh i thought you said near to children i thought you just assumed i was a nun you ever fucked any kids show yeah yeah yeah it's all backstage stuff yeah have you ever got on staging on shit you can really really get hot yeah fucking loads of times and i have i have choked like it's fucking awful as well like i mean i imagine you have like a similar there must be times when you've forgotten what

you meant to say and yeah yeah i mean you get especially if you're putting a new show together once you're trying to put an hour together there are points where you're like 20 minutes in and you can't remember yeah you just have to take a moment that's where experience that helps i think the huge difference between what you do and what stand-ups do as well is if i'm doing a new material night if i'm doing jokes for the first time i've probably got a notebook on stage on a stool with me and if i forget where i am i can just go right i'm just gonna just going to have a look. And there. But the only time you perform your rounds is the first time. Every night is new material night. Every single show is new stuff.

And you, like, if you were to dare get notes out on stage, you've lost the battle. You know, yeah. One of the biggest battles of all time was a guy called Disaster and Cannabis in America. And Cannabis, halfway through, got out a notepad and it was the most surreal thing that anyone's ever he's just reading it off the fucking thing and everyone was like well we at least want to try and believe that this is you coming up with this on the spot like do you

know I mean like we know it's not but we want to at least be fooled into thinking the suspension of disbelief is there that you're just coming up with this and so yeah like it's it's so fucking nerve-wracking and if you show any illusion even you going oh fuck where was i that makes people go oh there's a script you're working off something as a you know as a battler because they want it to feel like it's i have people still coming up to me and going i can't believe you do all that off the top how do you do that all improvised and i'm going like sometimes me and marlo literally go in sync for like a minute and people go you're so into we're not in tune at all we've practiced that for fucking months

how long does it take to let because it is a script how long does it take to learn around so it's a way perfect it has to be what i always say is it's like it's like how much wage to how much you spend like if you're given three weeks to write and learn something then you'll do it in three weeks if you're given a year which is genuinely what i had for shoddy because it got cancelled and you know moved about then you you take a year so like i mean like the shortest time i could do is like a week i had a week for the for the harry one because i just done fringe and then had a week to you know learn everything that i'd written before fringe and i i stumbled in parts and like nearly you know and then and then like that's when you have to go into a bit of like what you guys do where you have to sort of like seem like you're

not affected by the fact that you're fucking up yeah i did a year of stand-up and i was fucking shit i didn't enjoy it but a band of man was like do 50 shows before you decide if you don't like it so i did and i fucking hated it and i was like what a waste of time and money but um i think that's terrible advice by the way from a band of man i think if you don't like stand-up when you start just save yourself and get out of it yeah like because it's it's the most incredible thing in the world, if you love it. But there's so many hardships that come with doing stand up as a job

or even as a hobby. In fact, I'll battle him. I'll battle him. Fucking give me... That'd be sick, actually. What's the number, though? What's the number of trying something before you go, actually, this isn't working?

Because 50... I wouldn't have to fuck 50 men to know that I'm straight. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. He's on 25. My first one was amazing. Second one was shit, which I hear is a cliche.

And then third one was okay. And then I was just chasing the first one forever. Yeah, same. You saw my first one. You were there for my first one. Oh, Top Secret, the Don't Flop one. Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't Flop Comedy Club.

I really enjoyed it. And I really got a kick out of it. And then everyone after that was... That was such a funny gig. So I booked that, right? But under instruction from Rowan, who runs Don't Flop, he got in touch with me and was like,

I want to do a Don't Flop Comedy Night. So it'd be really cool if you could help me book it. But I need people with credits to try and sell this thing, London you know it's hard to sell as it is so I was sending them some names of people that I really like, you've got to understand what their sort of

clientele is, you know what I mean like a lot of the people, like the reason Shuff sort of stands out is because he's middle class and posh, a lot of the people in the room are not that at all and that's who we were selling this show to. So Cakehead opened, which is good booking. I tried to get Jamali Maddox to close,

but he wasn't available. Would have been perfect. I hosted it. The middle spots were him and Harry Baker and Chris as a double act who had done comedy as a double act already. So they were on there. And the headliner, and I love them. Uh, but it's such a,

like Rowan was just like, yeah, we've got good credits. We'll use that was Matt Richardson. It was such a fucking weird book. It had already been one middle-class white boy on the bill. Don't need that second. Um, I've got two more questions for you

before we'll take a quick break and then we'll answer some non-battle rap correspondence from our listeners what is your favourite

battle of your own ever like if you because obviously a lot of our listeners will never have seen anything you've done if they were to go

and find the gateway drug battle of yours to get into not only your work but battle rap in general yeah what one are you sending them to i wonder if it's the same as mine i i've got because i do the two on twos quite a bit yeah i would probably push them to a two on two yeah because they're so light-hearted from our side we'd like we don't get serious really apart from maybe like a little bit at the end um so yeah probably one of them maybe like the compliments battle which we had

back in like 2013 like a really early one but if it was a solo then it would probably be the shoddy one now yeah because if you see shoddy perform i think you're gonna go down a real rabbit hole of his stuff oh totally and then. And then you're just going to lose, yeah, hours of your life to it. What would you say? I would say Shuffle Tea and Marlowe against Cracker and C Major. Oh yeah, that was a good one. I think it's really accessible

to someone who's never seen battles before. There's obviously a couple of in-jokes as there is in every battle. Like don't go to any of these and expect to get everything immediately because they're sort of bringing up past battles with each other little bits of personal lives

that you won't get the context to but the more you watch the more you do catch it's like this isn't it you can watch this and not know all of our jokes yeah yeah that's true

you've got to fill it in this is probably going to be more difficult and if there's a bit of dead area for a couple of seconds we can cut that out while you have a little bit of thinking time

shoot have you got a top five in the world battle rappers yeah uh in fact probably in order does it matter if they're not active no um ever pat stay kruger bender hollow to don and you know I mean we can all make up words can't we and um probably so

okay probably in order yeah yeah say them again bender pat stay kruger

holladodon so is that the same no yeah slightly different order but they're the five I did it

yeah I was doing it soul's number one you're giving soul number one soul's number five probably okay sorry yeah so yeah number one is either Pat's day

or Bender or Bender or Pat's day do you like Bender I'm not along with us do you like Bender in both those orders I was like yeah I could see it

yeah yeah but you're a Marla man man what's your second thing about Marla let's just let you dance top five battle rounds

US or UK it's fine because I know it's hard Shove's in there obviously yeah Jackie McNamara is she a battler now

yeah yeah we used to play right back for Celtic but then you get to her name don't you Winnie Mandela

wow honestly she goes hard on Nelson definitely she does you get to an age don't you Winnie Mandela wow honestly she goes hard on Nelson definitely she does who are the other three I'm pushing you for the five Jackie McNamara Winnie Mandela

Quendo yeah who's Quendo he's good well he came out in response to Bender yeah that's the name my auntie Sue yeah

she doesn't do much live but she's fucking mean at Christmas she's the one with the bush in the show yeah man yeah yeah and

oh god it's so hard to nail that last one yeah but you're gonna have to who's the goat Ralph Schumacher yeah a lot of people go Michael but you know

recently not as good I can't believe you know one battle rapper in the room. I didn't make it on. Yeah? That is painful. Can I say this? I would have loved to see you battle rap Ralph Schumacher. And I'll fight anyone.

A two-on-two. Ralph Schumacher and Jackie McNamara. Break time. I've just had some alba soil where? on my nose and er what is that?

what does that do? it smells like the inside of a steam room perfect and it clears you out because I've got a bit of a cold no for your oldie bobs

yeah I've been keeping up on my tablets for the past couple of days. So, say the past couple of days, today and yesterday. Yeah, there is a couple. There's a new woman, Shuff. He's really looking after himself.

Yeah? Where are you going? I'm going to Greece. I'm going to Paris tomorrow. I'm going to Amsterdam on Saturday and then Greece on Sunday. Is that one holiday? Or is that job- The first two are work. Right. I've got to go over and sort then Greece on Sunday is that one holiday or is that

the first two are work right I've got to go over and sort some cunt out haven't I you've got to fight someone yeah he's a hitman

shoot someone in Paris shoot someone in Harlem and then hide in Greece so blasé about it I mean it's amazing that you've lasted this long at least I haven't watched

this Harvey not the pig scum a lot of hitmen like to be like really unknown no no no they're not expecting

Adam to be a hitman how are you going to get work otherwise you've got to promote yourself what kind of hitman would say he's a hitman the police wouldn't believe him exactly

it's perfect what are you doing here in Paris I'm a hitman he's funny let him go let him go he's an all access all access there's a key to the city you crack me up you'll never He's funny. Let him go. Let him go. He's an all-access.

There's a key to this. You crack me up. You'll never have that. I won't. I won't. Right, should we do some questions? If we have to. Okay.

This first one is from Steam Alloy. Oh, not this one. Steam Alloy. Wag wag lids. If you had to form an NWA-style rap group, what would be your rapper names, what's the group called, and what social issues will you be addressing in your bars? So here we go, here's our first non-rap-related question. XL Bullies and Vapes, please.

What do you think about battle rap groups? Because there's like little crews, isn't there, that don't battle each other battle each other yeah but do you battle marlo though or is he your bezo we've we've battled jokily but like not not proper we always said that would be the last one we ever did but then we changed our minds after we learned things about each other that must never come out all right okay cut that clip it but there's like little groups of the americans who are like i'm not battling him we're we're in dot mob for example so who's in dot mob i can't remember i honestly i don't anything like that i'm just like oh that's taking it too seriously for me yeah it's a bit too fucking much yeah i think just go out and do the thing and then have a drink afterwards that's

that's how you handle it don't go go into the... Don't do the groups. So the only rapper in the room says he doesn't want to be involved in that question. I'm out. I'm outie. I've retired from battle rapping as well since Justin Morehouse handed my arse to...

Handled your arse? Handled my arse. Yeah. You know, I got fingered. Justin Morehouse fingered me. We could be NWA still, but what was it stand for? Because obviously we can't use that one.

The original one. Naughty Wally's. Again. Assemble. The Naughty Wally's Assemble. Or the Northwest Action Crew. Oh, I see. It's pretty good.

I don't think it beats Naughty Wally's Assemble. Yeah. Hello, Inglewood. Yes, you are annoyed that it's not the NWU you expected. But you pay for your tickets on Skiddle. There's no refund. Nanners with arthritis. It's like a funny one.

Yeah, that's good. You think that's funny? Because then we all turn up and none of us have got arthritis. Do you know what nanners? Everyone will be like, fuck, they haven't got arthritis. I'd never joke about Nana's with arthritis. Nigel Winterburn's arse.

They're always doing gang signs. Norman Wisdom's... Arsehole. Neil Warnock's arthritis. Yeah, next question, Finn. Yeah, okay. Right, this is from Lewis Grundle. Thank you.

Hi, Lids. Got a question for you. So you have to race the 100-meter world record holder, Usain Bolt. If you beat him, you'll get 100 grand, but you can get a head start.

However, for every 10 meters, 10 grand gets taken off the amount of money you get. So hang on, right. I've got to race Usain Bolt. I can take 10 meters off the 100 meters, and every time it comes off, 10 grand gets taken off the thing.

What's the starting price? 100 grand. I'll just... So he does it. He does it. I'll take the easiest 10 grand you'll ever take. Yeah, yeah. 100%.

10 grand, yeah. I think 50. Fuck off. You couldn't beat me with a 50 metre head start. I've seen you sitting both. Like a fast penguin. So the world record's 9.58 seconds. So... You couldn't beat me with a 50 meter head start. I've seen you in both. Like a fast penguin. So the world record's 9.58 seconds.

So how long do you think you're doing 50 meters in 9.58 seconds? No, you know. Yeah. He's going like 30 miles an hour. What the fuck are you talking about? 50 meters? I don't think you've ever done that much weight. In 10 seconds. Yeah.

I'm taking the 50 grand. 50 grand. Final answer taking the 50 grand. 50 grand? Final answer. Oh my God. 50 meters in 10 seconds is not that much. So wait, so do you think that Usain Bolt is only twice as fast as you? That's so right.

Because I doubt. Now you say, now. I doubt the disparity. I think I could do so Usain Bolt now today no it's the world record

it's 9.5 in seconds so it's 9 so I have to do you have to join that race I have to start at the 50 metre point

halfway down the thing yeah yeah I could do it no I would be worried at 10 yeah I could do it I'd be worried at 10 metres

I'd be like fuck where is he so how don't get me wrong i might only just beat him 50 grand i'm beating him so in your head how long is it taking me i've watched and i said he finished like six i've watched i've watched the biggest fat folks who are like offensive linemen do the 40 yard dash and athletes slowly like like they are i i can in my head totally that's wild so you think i do a 20 second 100 meters i think you do longer than that oh that no no i think that's about right what are you on no mate i the thing is like how long do you think you're 100 you're slowing down you're not keeping it 17 18 seconds right okay seconds. Right, okay. Slow, slow. Okay, so 17, 18 seconds.

But you're forgetting that the first few steps, the first few metres, you're going from a stand and start. Yeah. So if you're saying 18 seconds, that would be nine for each half. And that's at 100 metres. So your 50 is going to be more than nine.

Can you be dropped down already running? No. can you just be sprinting in the air like a cartoon i can do it i can beat it 50 halfway watch me go there's such an easy way to do this is that you can just do this because you know bolt doesn't have to be there we know it's oh we could just race it you could just do this you get me 50 metres and a fucking stopwatch bring me 50 metres I reckon I would do there you go I reckon I could do

20 or 30 20 I'd do 20 I'd be like fuck when I read this question I also went for 50 I think

yeah but you both have just you've always got like this over confidence that you've just I know sometimes I can be a bit arrogant with it, but do you know what?

I've got to back myself. And he's shit. What happens if he's running bad when he goes past you? What are you giving yourself? That's the thing. That's probably as fast as 50 is the last 50, isn't it?

What do you mean? So say you, it's basically like gladiators. So he starts and then as he passes you, you start. What? How long? Carl, that's literally impossible so sorry i'm stationary big fat 42 year old dan nightingale and he's already at full world record

pace usain bolt do you know what i've got myself to do you've been way off it's just asking can you beat usain bolt in a race oh with it no it isn't even that it's that's just asking can you beat Usain Bolt in a race oh with no it isn't even that it's worse than that yeah that's asking can you beat Usain Bolt in a race

on his world record day with him getting a head start and you can't warm up you can't stretch I'd do 10 metres it makes yeah

you definitely do 20 you're not you're not you're not taking 10 seconds to do 20 metres. What? The more I've thought about it, I would do 50.

I think you've got your timings wrong. I'd be 80 ahead. Right. Do the last 20 metres. Get me some running. Get me some shorts. 30 would be a push. You think it's going to take you 10 seconds to do 20 metres?

The fuck? Are you getting up from lying down? How are you starting this race? Easy. 10 seconds. You said 50. We're doing 50 with you. We're testing it. 50. So you've starting this race? Easy. 10 seconds. You said 50 we're doing? 50 with you, we're testing it. 50? So you've got a half as time, oh,

double as time, sorry. Yeah, done. Done. Done. And if you lose, you've got to give it 100 grand to a charity of my choice. Great, sign me up. And you've got to do 100 grand to a charity if I beat it. No. Alright, cool. Right, we're're gonna do some

underrated overrated okay let's hit the jingle well maybe I will maybe I won't or maybe I will no I won't

you will I've gotta be faster off the blocks than that jingle fucking BMA can I have cocaine the day that we race no

I'd love to see you accelerating and looking back as he was moving. I wouldn't look back, mate. I wouldn't look back. Why the fuck would you? Like, oh God, he's coming. That's what you'd be doing. He'd be like a fucking train.

Do you think you could beat me in a race? 100 metres. You're not as fast as you think you are. He's faster than you. You are? He's definitely faster than you, though. I don't know. Maybe now.

Where's that coming from? I've seen him run. It's faster than you. You are? He's definitely faster than you, though. I don't know. Maybe now. Where's that coming from? I've seen him run. It's not that fast. I've never seen him sprint. Have you ever seen yourself run? What do you mean? Have you ever seen yourself run? Have you ever seen me run?

Oh, yeah. When you crashed the car, I flew. Oh, yeah. You were quite quick then, to be fair. You ran like Dale Winton. Like someone trying to rob the supermarket he works in. Like Bale Winton. Cool. Should we fucking have that one? What's that? Bale Winton. like someone trying to rob the supermarket he works at with bail winton cool sure i can have that one what's that bail winton i think me and you should have i would have that it's very

specific but i'll reference this you're not i've seen you run i think we should have an adam versus dandy because we didn't get that a tennis thing set up i think we should have a 100 meters a 200 meters a game of tennis a game of golf and a game of rugby you should just do like a school sports day everything you do in the school sports day yeah i'd smoke i don't think there's a single thing you beat me no of course you don't because you're fucking mental oh you think how have you seen bolton yeah yeah that's what i said oh yeah sorry that's what i said i said if i was at olympics that day i'd have smoked a twat. That's what I said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You might as well have. What about the 200 metres? Are you giving him a 100 metre?

I'd probably start... Because he's motored in 100 metres. I'd probably start at the... Is he 19 seconds, I think, the 200? Yeah. Take him up on that, please. I think I'd maybe go 60 or 70, because it's... 19.69.

Marcus, that's less than half. Sorry, look, you're a very welcome guest, but I need to take this. This is fine. Okay, sorry. So you're telling me 200 metres, right? You're, against Usain Bolt, you're starting at 70 metres with 130 still to go.

No, sorry, 70 metres. 70 metres left. No, I'm just adding 20. I'm just, so I just said 50 for the 100 for the for the 200 you would start like 70 i'll add only 20 yeah 70 to go another that's a fifth because it's not i'm not halving it again you'll absolutely so you would start 130 meters with 70 left yeah so you've got 19 seconds to do 70 metres. I think that's doable. We'll only be able to prove this with a stopwatch,

some running, some fucking trainers. But I don't, 50 metres in 10 seconds feels, well, nine seconds feels doable. Yeah. 50 grand on the line with you saying, bolt up your trumpet, mate. Yeah, but when it comes to the 200, I'm starting to lose a bit of confidence.

Because that's not your specialty. No. The 200 is not. 70 meters in 19 seconds. I still think it's doable. What about the hurdles? What? What about the hurdles?

Oh, yeah. Well, let's just make it harder. Now I need, I can do two hurdles. Just watching me clamber over the can I get a hand yeah but Adam would be amazing

at it probably I think that's what we all need to take away he's trying to turn this arrogant thing around on me even though he's made himself look like a fucking lunatic haven't said anything

unreasonable I've seen him I've seen him 20 metres 10 taking me 10 grand and laughing mate is it going to be a bit

embarrassing though I'll spend it before he's finished is it going to be a bit embarrassing if you do that 20 metres, 10, taking me 10 grand and laughing, mate. Is it going to be a bit embarrassing? I've spent it before he's finished. Is it going to be a bit embarrassing if you do that 20 metres in four seconds and then you say, and you're like, I could have made loads more money. It'd be really embarrassing that you sat there counting me 20 grand. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. No, because I'll have bet the 10 grand on myself to win.

Oh, okay. This is Ocean's 11 metre. Fuck. Where do you start? see you on the sports day I'm starting with 20 metres left to go yeah 20

I've got a bad leg it's not like plugged in oh shit it's not plugged in properly I don't know what's up with it but I'm not I'm not gonna do that very well yeah that doesn't sound like

a doctor told you it yeah oh really the doctor said to you you're not strong with your leg lad it's not plugged in you wanna plug that in boy they said yeah good advice i said right underrated overrated the first one we've got from tom sorry i wanted to get that in there that's quite fast

yeah so first one from tom the. Underrated or overrated? You're going to agree with me on this. Feels amazing when you're going. Not that good when you're there. Yeah. The idea of the zoo is overrated. It's better than it is. Yeah.

Is that the definition of overrated? Like the idea of it is better than the actual thing? Yeah. The zoo and you get to be like, yeah. Yeah. I think so. Where's the lions? They're all having a fucking lie down. So we'll go and fucking wake the boys up. Yeah. Yeah. Thing. Yeah, the zoo, and you get to be like, yeah. Yeah, I think so. Where's the lions? Like, oh, they're, you know, they're all having a fucking lie down,

so we'll go and fucking wake them up. Yeah, yeah. If you could have amphetamine day at the zoo, where you all just lace the meat with, like, some stimulants. Oh, the animals. Oh, the animals.

Well, both. Either. I've done the zoo twice. I live in here now. You don't need to go to the zoo if you just take amphetamines. You've got the zoo in your house, haven't you?

I'd love to see the fucking, all the animals off the tits. I've lived in here an hour. You don't need to go to the zoo if you just take amphetamines. You've got the zoo in your house then, haven't you? I'd love to see the fucking, all the animals off the tits. That would be so good. Revved up. We saw baboons kicking off at Flamingoland once and it was the most fun I've ever had at like somewhere where there's animals. They were just,

it was like a fucking gang war going on. It's like you've got your ticket price just watching the baboons kick off. Are you sure you didn't do MDMA and go and see West Side Story? Oh yeah, it was Mandy in the West End. Baboons,

bit of a crowd pleaser. Lions, lazy. There's no showmanship with lions. The monkeys do put a show on. Yeah, the snakes are good as well.

Snakes are good, but they're pretty stationary as well. Yeah. And you've got them at home aren't you you want to be able to you want to be able to throw i want to throw stuff feed the snakes yeah yeah the other animals and you've got to catch them that's fun mate yeah open it up there's no borders tigers the most beautiful thing you're ever going to see if you see them

yeah they're not asked you ought to go to the chester zoo the lemurs because you're in with them what did you just say about tigers? Just at Chester Zoo, everyone's like, that's one of the main ones. It's like, I can't remember what it's called. It's called Tiger Island or something.

And it's, to have a tiger is a big thing for a zoo because they're quite rare, aren't they? If you actually get to see a tiger, you're like, that is the one

of the most beautiful things ever. Have you heard about women? What? Oh, I'm not trying to, yeah, I'm not trying to... Yeah, I'm not trying to fuck the tiger. I've seen it. Fuck yeah, no.

No wanking in the zoo. Look at that tiger. That wanking of the tigers. Have you seen women? No. Women asking... Tigers don't play ball man they don't

they're never out they're never like you know the lemurs though you're in with them you know oh the lemurs at Blackpool Zoo

they're all over the shop they're great yeah boss because they can't rip your head off you're like hey they're around you they're like what's going on

they've got piss on the rounds though you've got to be careful of that twice time they've got piss on their heads they're into piss lemurs are into piss right it sounds like there's like a

piss based crime that they've committed like blood on their hands they're just all squatters they've got fucking piss on their hands more humans piss on your hands hey all right they love it little rascals love a lemur otters can be very entertaining I've said it before crowd pleaser homegrown as well do you get otters at a zoo yeah British otters for British people

that's what I've always thought none of these foreign sea otters I think about the elephants at the zoo good you know giraffes as well

they were great in Berlin when we saw them they were smashing the ice up they just look a bit slow-mo to me they literally look like they're in slow motion not an amphetamine day that's the thing the bigger something is the slower it always looks yeah I remember you saw them, they were smashing the ice up. They just look a bit slow-mo to me. They literally look like they're in slow motion.

Not an amphetamine though. That's the thing, the bigger something is, the slower it always looks. Yeah. You see the green giant, slow. Is that when you see a plane in the sky? Yeah. 600 mile an hour. Yeah. Yeah.

See them against Usain Bolt. Dan wanking. Sure is. Dan's like, if I had 20 yards on that, I'd beat it to Malaga. 20 yards on it. That's all he gets. That's 20 yards on that and beat it to Malinga. 20 yards on it. That's all I get. That's 20 yards to go. Very rarely do I get

to the end of the podcast and go, I want to go running. I want to run. I'll be in the garden like, Laura, tie me. Right, so we're going overrated for the zoo yeah

yeah unfortunately yeah because I do like it the next one is being early that's from Marlo totally overrated you want to be on time

or slightly late yeah you do and you keep you've done well to keep to that you do though yeah yeah being sat around waiting for all you cunts

to turn up swanning in with your coffees at fucking quarter to eleven once in three years I don't know man just for everyone else if you give a fuck about everyone else

it's not being even if you're five minutes early it's not a bad thing Jesus really when you're as fast as you know I try and be late

I try and be late spread it everywhere I try and be late. I try and be late. Sprint is everywhere. Touche. That was very good. I love that. I'm just running through the maze tunnel now. I'll be there in three minutes. I love that none of you has noticed

that that wasn't from Marlo about being punctual. That's good. Thanks, guys. From before. Because you said... Noalph schumacher right the next one uh is hummus van that's your go to bring that straight to you underrated fucking heavy isn't it great stuff fucking fantastic pringle pringle bit of a scoop on that pop that down and then make yourself a sandwich pop it in that's a good idea yeah it's a fuck you treat

what flavour Pringle I listen really salted class original and then sour cream and chive it's like working class

meeting class middle class isn't it is it the fucking dirty snack plus the red pen it's like caviar pork pies

I don't know a £2.89 a tube I don't know whether you can call Pringles a working class snack they are going off good point Tesco's deal card £1.89 a tube, I don't know whether you can call Pringles a working class snack. They are going up. Good point. Tesco's deal card.

£1.50 club card every now and again on the pound cocktails. Just saying. Get on it. What's your favourite hummus? Red pepper, sweet chilli. Yeah, sweet chilli. Red pepper's great. I like the classic.

Classic or red pepper? Classic. What about the creamy OG one that you get somewhere where it's like got the little fucking the green oh it's got like chives

in it and stuff or like the pesto one there's that there's that one they sell with like a green sort of like tub and it's got like a little and it's got like

whole bits of whatever it's made of it's got whole bits can I just be the one to say on behalf of all of our working class listeners what the fuck has happened

to this show? You love hummus? I do, yeah. I'm just telling you right now there's a lot of people watching at home going this is not what I tune in for. They haven't talked about

their arseholes once in the last three minutes. Get off the hummus. Talk about golf again. You've forgotten your roots. I haven't heard one bit of golf chat from Adam. He's lost it.

What does a golf podcast? Popping hummus. It's a good job they mentioned Pringles. Good gear and it's a nice, easy snack. There's nearly no cooking. You just open it and dip your bread. I want the bread. Underrated.

Okay, good. Right, next one. We've got a transport edition. So we've got a few here. So buses, underrated or overrated? Overrated. Underrated. That's horrific.

I mean, they're underrated for the... Did you say underrated underrated bosses are underrated yeah why because everyone i know when i was living in london for quite a while everyone got the tube because they hated the bus and i fucking the bus is the one because there's more drama there's a night bus there's more space yeah and it's just and it's more comfortable it's always fucking and it's more comfortable. It's not always fucking hot. It's not really, really, really loud. It's the best option. I prefer the coach over the train. Yeah, I would go for a, yeah. I would probably go for a coach.

So I think that's wrong, but I think you've made a good argument for them being under-raising. I don't think buses are as bad as you think they are. No. You know what I mean? I think it's like the opposite of the zoo. It's a big car.

Like if you're getting on a bus, like a fucking bus, but then once you're getting on a bus, like, fuck a bus, but then once you're on it, you're like, for a short- Human interaction with the driver as well. Yeah. Nice little,

cheers, mate. Hello, love. Short-ish journey, bus is fine for me, but anything longer than like an hour and a half, I don't want to be on a bus.

I'm all about, I'm all about, my favourite way to travel is when it's just like, I don't have to change. That's what a coach is? If I could do a three hour bus journey, or a one hour tube journey with three stops, bus every time,

because I don't want to fucking move. I just want to sit down and be planted. I will get a longer direct train than one where I have to change a crew. 100%. A train over a bus or coach, any time. I've done my shifts on mega buses when I was starting out.

A spacey coach, though, like the one we got driven down to London to go to that over the train to London all day yeah give me the extra

hour and a half whatever it is get to stop at the services plus I just race the fuckers the next one the next one is trains

so a train's overrated trains are overrated especially in this bawdy country thatchab well in if they could just turn up if they could not be late, it would be good.

Cycling. Underrated or overrated? What is it, though? Is it just... I think that's just rated. That just is. It's... Is it either?

No one underrates cycling. Because everyone who does it hates it, and everyone who doesn't... Everyone who does it loves it, and everyone who doesn't hates it. I like going for a bike ride, but I don't like cyclists. Yeah, but that's not the thing, is it that's not that we're not asking do you like cyclists because no one likes cyclists but like actually going for a bike ride all right it's fun yeah

but you want to be like in the park and off road you don't want to be yeah on queen's drive fucking uh go right yeah i haven't cycled since I was like a proper, since like 10, when all I did was go around the block and just go up the curb and do wheelies for as long as possible. And that was the only time I cycled in my life. Loved it.

Do you cycle to school? Did anyone cycle to school? No, we walked. Don't they say? Mine was a bit further off. I used to enjoy that. 20 minute walk. Lovely.

You'd have beat us there easy right yeah have a bike last one from this little bunch on horseback who raided

anyone nah never done it it's awful it's the police it's awful I've fallen off it it's only pigs

that ride horses around the fucking city. Yeah. And travellers. What? Travellers like a horse, don't they? I've never seen a traveller on a horse in Liverpool. Not once in my entire life.

Right, but travellers do like horses, don't they? On the way back from lunch before, I seen some pig scum fucking gallivanting up and down fucking... On horses? Yeah. It's such a needless throwback. I don't know why they do it. Yeah.

I could escape a horse he shot him I could escape like if you're busy with chasing a horse easy just go into Asda yeah that's why you don't have

horses as security guards on Asda they learn the hard way with that what was he doing he got dismounted the horse one off yeah

I don't think yeah easy I don't think yeah I don't think Mounted Police are worried about Asda really it's more like you know

football riots and what not do a football riot run to Asda nice there you go do a football riot the ultras hiding in Asda

wanted football riot one person there and you could just like they've got no turning circle they're terrible you could fucking turn them inside aren't we like as ultra apt I also think that Football riot. One person there. And he's got no turning circle. They're terrible.

You could fucking turn them inside, aren't we? Like Adel Chirapt. I also think that Mounted Police at football events sort of lost their power of intimidation when that Geordie fella, he smacked the horse and the horse did nothing.

The horse shit itself. Just got a fucking gob full of fucking bunch of fives, mate. And just fucking stood there. What? Bunch of fives, mate, and just fucking stood there going, what? Bunch of fives. I'll bury you. 1930. I'll give you fives.

Little sandwich. Overrated. Okay. Right. I don't trust them. We're going to do a bit of advice. Please. They're horses.

Oh. They're beautiful. Do you reckon the horses are police? Yeah. Yeah. They're busies. Are the horses police? Because they've got a job, haven't they? Do they work for the police? Do you reckon any of the policeies are the horses police because they've got a job haven't they

do they work for the police do you happen to hear the police horses are corrupt that's what I mean the things they'll do for sugar cubes another horse will let you in he's a busy him

that horses are busy yeah yeah all the ones that are in the grand national yeah quiet lad keep that to yourself fucking

John the busies here John the busy's here. John the Busy. Shagga. Carry on, Finn. We're going to do some advice. Oh, yeah. I can tell we're ready to give some advice.

Round us home, Finn. So, Anonymous. Heard something suggest. What? Take it off. Sorry. Go on, Finn. Don't talk until he stops. something to suggest if you want to do it you'll be fine if you get off sorry go on finn heard heard something to suggest that one of my mate's parents cheats on their mum i don't know if it's completely true but i've heard it now he was trying to keep that anonymous one of my mate's parents cheats on his mum i reckon it's his dad or he's the one he's the one in the affair

don't bang your mate's mum. So I heard something suggest that one of my mate's parents cheats on their mum. I don't know if it's completely true, but I've heard it from multiple sources, which makes me think it's more than likely. Do I say something to her and risk destroying their family?

Say something to the mum? No, the friend. Or do I just keep quiet and hope that people are wrong? This sounds like a school rumour that's got badly out of hand very quickly but yeah fuck it tell them shag them up

she seems game we don't know if this is a man or woman multiple sources Reuters I love it everyone's in one

I think It's none of your business But like you could just bring it up casually In conversation with your mate How are you doing that? Go on Like fucking hell I've heard your mum has a bit of a shagger

Something like that Casual Hey multiple sources I've got a copy of the Metro here Casual as fuck Guess what it says Is that your mum getting fucking leaded on page four? Is it yeah? Is that your mum getting fucking leathered on page four? Is it, yeah?

Mad. Page four? Morocco, Libya. Oh, fuck no. Your mum. Getting leathered. What paper's that? It's just because of...

What's going on in Morocco right now? There was a massive earthquake, wasn't there? Oh, yeah. Fair play. What about Libya? Flooding. Libya on page three. Oh!

Come on. Hang on. Did you mispronounce the country name or did you mean flaps? No. Oh. Flaps.

Oh, no. That was a rough paper you grew up reading. What would you do there, Shroff? Don't tell them. No, because it won't be true. Leave it out. And you could have, like,

blown the lid off the whole fucking case. John McLean. Like, what's in that? You know, you're not going to get picked up by a newspaper for being, like, an investigative journalist because you've unleashed this story upon your friends. You might as well have your friends' respect for the rest of your life though

you already got that haven't you hello you want his parents are divorced maybe 20 years later you know you end up in trouble with the police for the wrong reason you need someone to pay your bail that guy's like you know what he told me my mum was getting shagged behind me back now because they're going to resent you forever as well for being the one who told him and it won't be true it is it was most of the time it was true when i was in school what was going around your school oh it's real so exciting man there was stories about affairs between the parents and then years later they did turn out to be true that's wild everyone did the kids find out i don't know i have no idea without their spouses finding out because they're all at slimming world together i've said this i think two

or three of the times on the podcast and you know what i'm gonna say one my little brother come home from school once we were in so i think he must be in year seven i was in like year 11 and he comes home and he goes hey you know what i heard today you know when Rihanna did the umbrella music video with Jay-Z, Jay-Z shagged her but Beyonce doesn't know I just loved the idea that it had made it all the way to a school in Liverpool but it hadn't made it across

the fucking dinner table yo, take this to yourself man respect to Adam's brother, he never told Beyonce. He just decided to stay out of it. Well, that's fair.

But should he have told Beyonce that's this, isn't it? The truth will out. Yeah, the truth will out. Yeah, let it happen.

If everyone in the fucking school knows it, then the other parents going to find out, like, it can't be a very well-kept secret. Yeah, we know it

yeah so they definitely it's all over the internet yeah 100,000 people know about it poor kid unlucky

shit happens next question so we'll round us out with a quick confession oh ito domine people confess their sins

and we have to give them penance or absolve them they've been a bit grim recently ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine ito domine padre. People confess their sins and we have to give them penance or absolve them. They've been a bit grim recently. Is there another one we're keeping with the trap? How's a grim one? I mean, confessions are always going to be a bit grim, aren't they? No one's writing in going, oh, I've got lovely tits. That's a confession.

I'm a 34-year-old man. Oh, lovely tits. What's my penance for having the best tits in grimsby yes love it i love the randomizer uh this is anonymous as per uh i was at home about to have a wank and decided i'd like a bit of prostate stimulation along the way so i grabbed a banana and as you do put some lube on it and got on with the job in hand. No, we didn't. Afterwards, for some reason, I brought the banana with me in the car to throw away.

I'm going, I was like, we can have the rubbish. Because I stupidly didn't want to put it in the household bin for fear of getting questioned about binning a full banana.

And then he's put a shrugging emoji. I was collecting my half-brother's mother to give her a lift somewhere. Too much information. Too much needless information. One too much information, full stop.

And then too much needless information. Get to my mother's half-brother and make sure you read that half because I don't know what the rumour meal's like.

He's written a basic story and he's gone, eh, he's a flesh to soul. It's like when a six-year-old lies and, ah, brother, did you eat the chocolate cake? No, what happened was that I was in the living room eating everything but chocolate cake. I wasn't, lies did you eat the chocolate cake no what happened was

I was in the living room eating everything but chocolate cake I wasn't like there was no chocolate cake in there but then I ate them a raccoon came in and he ate the chocolate cake in there

it's raccoon season I was collecting my half brother's mother to give her a lift somewhere and she said she was hungry and asked could she have the banana oh my where's the bullshit bell we need a

new bullshit bell please someone order one we broke it i'm just oh i'm just saying i know ding ding ding i don't do this usually ding ding ding ding ding well i'm just taking it at face value i know it's great i'm not i panicked said yes and then she proceeded to eat a banana that had been shoved up my ass about a half hour before i've obviously never told my brother do i need penance you need penance for writing into a podcast a blatant lie and we we very rarely do this stuff do you know what i mean because we want to encourage people to write into this show because the the sort of content relies on interaction from our listenership but this is fucking bollocks mate isn't it no one's going oh do you know what I feel like fingering my ass do you know what actually

I go full on banana are you big at bananas you'd have to be a like a seasoned fucking bum jockey to be putting bananas up your ass also

his half brother's mother was in the car and looked down looked down at a banana that was obviously mangled because it's been covered in lube and looked down at a banana that was obviously mangled because it's been covered in lube

and poo and went mate I'm starving I know we're not blood but I'm so peckish and he hasn't gone no that's off it stinks

can you smell that it's poo and what are you doing for fear of being questioned why are you going to crumble under pressure of such a simple question Why do you throw away this banana

Oh I shoved it up my arse man No lie fucking lie It's going through the bin There it is A full banana Who's wasting bananas Who's not eating slimy shit covered bananas Can you imagine getting in anyone's car

You've ever met Seeing a banana and going can i have that can i have your banana yeah a mad thing to do i can't stop that you eat that poo banana girl also obviously the banana itself presumably mangled unsullied yeah within pop it in all right you're saying that's skinned over you know he could have eaten that and it would have been fine i know it doesn't feel right but he would have been fine big come on big chef i wouldn't give it to you once it's been up there look i've never been in a situation so i can't comment but i'm pretty sure it's quite a porous membrane though leave it over time that why are

you marinating it and shit you just you just have to do it once and then... But that poo's seeping in after a while. I don't know how much you need potassium. I just... I get another... Do you remember when Peter Andre overdosed on potassium and had to go into hospital because he ate too many bananas? If you eat nine bananas, you die. Maybe that was it.

Maybe he was just doing this over and over again. Did he fuck himself with every one of the nine, though? I think he may have. Google it. I think if you eat nine bananas, you die on the spot. Right, cool. On the spot. Give me nine bananas and give me 50 metres

in a fucking stopwatch I'm burning this whole then do it the whole gutter smash nine bananas I'm sure if you eat nine bananas you'd die I'm positive

what is it how many ten ten I knew it nearly nine you're full if you eat ten bananas

you die ten you're dead there's something in your body that goes I can't have a ten. It's potassium overdose. Yeah, Pete Laundrie had it, yeah. Remember that for Paris and Harlem? And then came back to life?

No, he only had nine. They said it was the closest banana poison they'd seen. They actually said that. The doctor said that to me. One more banana, you'd have been dead. You came this close, Laundrie. Little do you know, one's up my ass. I don't need this one then, do I? you came this close little do you know one's up my ass you came this close

I don't need this one then do I keep that away from me fucking brother's mum give daddy half of the stepmother my brother's mum

give daddy half I've fallen out with her don't even call her mum anymore call her my brother's mum brother's mum me ma I'm done me brother's ma

that was a fucking great one that was great thanks for coming in pleasure to meet you thank you very much guys tell everyone where they can find you

where they can find your book where they can find sounds like and if you want to recommend a couple of your battles for people to go and check out

please do whatever you so you can find me in Reading or on YouTube shuffle-t.com you can find me in Reading or on YouTube, shuffle-t.com. You can find all my battles. They're all on YouTube and on TikTok.

They're sort of like cut up into little bite-sized bits. Sounds like we've just come back from Edinburgh Fringe. We're going to hopefully do some more shows soon. And yeah, that's all on YouTube as well. And we're doing the PPVs for the Edinburgh Fringe ones, which are available on soundslikeshow.com. So have a go have a look at them they're really fun cheers uh thank you very much as always for listening dan is on tour at the minute dan nightingale.com four tickets uh there are not tickets left for every show they are starting to sell out

as are mine adamrow.co.uk forward slash tour we're both on tour at the exact same time but none of them clash you can come and see both of us and please keep listening like we say every episode or maybe it's not

even every episode but do us a favour if you're watching on YouTube make sure you're subscribed and you turn the bell on it sends our content

to so many more people leave comments and you know when you see a clip of ours on TikTok don't just watch it just like it and comment on it

just do the same on Instagram. It's not going to change anything for you, but it will literally send our content to more and more people. And that's what we're after. Subscribe to everything. Follow us on all the social platforms and you won't miss a single thing.

And as always, patreon.com slash have a word pod from just three quid a month and coming this very week. Oh, sorry, the house is out. It's out. It's the barber special. You get access to the entire back catalogue.

It is the best value for money content deal, I think, on the internet. And I genuinely believe that. For three quid a month, you get access to every Patreon special we've ever done and an extra episode every single week for three quid. It's ridiculous. You've got to see the Barber special.

You've got to see what Adam and Carl... Yeah, we genuinely did some crime. We did some crimes at the end that was a hate crime they signed a waiver so have we got a tune

we do have a tune it's been a couple of weeks since we've had one this is from Chris Modula and it's a tune called Angels and Demons go and check him out

there you go check out Shuffles where if you do you know what genuinely we've had Shottie on before, we've had Shotty on before and we've had O'Shea on before and they're both absolutely brilliant.

But I think if you want an actual gateway into battle rap where you'll, it makes it so accessible to someone who's not really into it yet. I think there literally isn't someone better for you to start with than Shuffle. And especially the two-on-twos with Shuffle and Marlo. Go and watch one of their two-on-two battles

and then enjoy the rabbit hole that you inevitably go down. Thanks for coming in, mate. Cheers, guys. Au revoir. Peace. Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. front time trying to take you

off my mind memories when we were kids too innocent to take it in The days we'd spend out in the car The journeys I would see so far The journeys always seem so far

Those angels and demons If I gotta face them Sometimes When you're lost in the mayhem When you're lost in your mind If I've got angels and demons If I've got to face them Sometimes Thank you. Try to clear things off my mind Know the pain will ease in time But now I'm lost inside my head Just thinking of the things we did

Memories will always stay Live to find another day Those angels and demons If I gotta face them Sometimes When you're lost in the mayhem When you're lost in your mind If I've got angels and demons If I've I gotta face them

Sometimes you