Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #244 with Mark Normand - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 1, 2023

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Have A Word, the podcast, the greatest podcast on the planet, pound for pound, that is official, okay? First of all, before we start with our usual spiel, do us a favour, if you're watching this on YouTube, hit that subscribe button and hit that bell. We're closing in slowly on the 100k that gets a nice plaque, so do that for us, okay? okay now listen not only are we just the best group of lads on planet earth me and this fella we're comedians stand-up comedians and we're on two separate tours at the minute i'm doing my tour dan's doing his tour dan's going all over the uk as am i tickets for dan at dan nightingale.com loads of shows already sold out tickets for me adam rowe.co.uk come and see both of us separately two of the best hours of stand-up you'll see this year and I don't mind bragging about it

I'm on fire at the minute mate I'm burning gaffs to the ground and so is he as he's been doing for 20 years and you'll know that

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And you know what? Actually, before you watch this episode, book tickets to see me and him. Love you. Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming.

Go Ed, get on me. I was on holiday up until two days ago three days ago yeah three days ago and uh it's very rare that i could be three days back from a holiday and already sick of all of you but we've had quite the intense schedule over the past few days haven't we yes usually i think when we get dead intense there is an element of like i'll see you in a week love you to bits see you in a week but uh yesterday i haven't fully processed it so i'm not sick of you i'm sort of like i feel like we have survived it together there's an element of like i don't know what we went through me and carl got a taxi and we didn't talk we me and carl always chat on when we hang out just me and him like there was just a lot of reflection time yesterday we recorded this month's Patreon special.

If you're a patron, you know what that is. If you're not, I don't know what you're waiting for. But you might end up signing up for October's one. It's stupid isn't even the word. There's a lot coming in this special. How are you feeling? Because I was the most tired i've ever been last night and i had to go and do a warm-up show at the jacaranda and then i had to go home and do

some more work on a video that will had worked himself in the ground to get ready for me to go out today uh but then i woke up this morning and me fucking guardiola's back mate i was full of pep this morning oh hey should have gone Linda's there shouldn't I um usually I don't feel sorry for you

you know because you're just quite um braggadocious about life and you're like I'll nail this I'll nail that and in the end

does braggadocious mean handsome yes uh in the end you just go yeah Adam will nail it but as you

left where we were in Liverpool yesterday to I knew your time as you were like i'm gonna go and have a nap and i've got to be at the jacaranda at this time i was like there is you'd have to nap in the like elevator yeah you'd have to be there was no way i actually felt bad last night i thought the show was really good it's just i could have done a little 20 minute disco nap but what i did was I just got like my time limit on a coffee now

I try and not have it after two o'clock because then it affects me sleep but I had a coffee with an extra shot at quarter past six

last night okay cool just to get through the show and then still got in and went immediately to sleep like my body was like you can find as much coffee

as you want to us today. We're going to bed. But then did you, when you woke up this morning, do the sort of terror thing? That's what I do. I can still go to sleep, but at like four in the morning, I'm like, then I wake up.

It depends whether anyone's broken in. Yeah, that's true. It's just a caffeine. Just a caffeine? You live on a caffeine? Just a caffeine for me. Doesn't need to be a burglar. Lieutenant Daniel Caffey?

I woke up after a couple hours of sleep and I had about two thirds of an edible that I'm now giving back to Dean and Amy from the Man High Club. I was meant to take some pot jellies home with me and I didn't. Oh my God. I was so stoned. I couldn't get back to sleep. Why do you have edibles before bed?

Because it helps you sleep. No, Supreme CBD does. Right, cool. Well, I'll go on to cool. Edibles don't. Yeah, because I couldn't sleep and I was so stoned. But not normal, is it? That's not normal. Oh, nothing's normal for you, you big wuss.

You big space wuss. I had an edible last night. Wuss. I went to the cinema with Harry. But I think you're, I think, what? You went, all right. I don't want to feel stoned. I just want to sleep well.

But if you bash them and then don't sleep, it's awful because you start going, oh, you're going to start feeling stoned soon. You need to go to sleep, which is the last thing that's going to make me go to sleep. It's like the narcolepsy drugs. If you fight them, you get high. So you just got to not fight the edible.

Let it take you to sleep. Narcolepsy drugs? Yeah, there's narcolepsy drugs where if you fight them. Quaaludes, aren't they? Is it Quaaludes? It might be. Narcolepsy drugs would keep you awake no might be

I remember I done the same thing did you yeah same silly my mum used to have sleeping tablets and then fight them and stay awake and it created all kinds of problems because it's true I don't know whether I've ever spoke properly about this but because she was a drinker but she was

in like chronic pain from a hysterectomy gone wrong um like i can't believe like they removed their womb and it damaged their leg like what kind of fucking surgeon was this guy no i was thinking today sometimes it's a pilot's first day just have that thought ever on a plane terrifying i think it might have been a surgeon's first day for your mom's literally and then i there's a sentence you don't feel like you're going to say ever. What were we talking about then? Sleeping tablets.

She would be drinking a bottle of vodka, watching the telly. She'd have her sleeping tablets because she was like, I need them to be able to sleep for the pain. But then another episode of fucking Big Brother's bit on the side or whatever would come on. Not missing this.

And she'd stay up and fight it. Oh, no. What? I hope it's by a lizard. What, by alleged rapist Russell Brand? Yes. Yeah. It was hosted by him. But back then,

my mum didn't know. No, of course. She hadn't heard the chat, so she still enjoyed it. What did she do? What did she do? Daniel Sloss is fuming with her. I always thought that about your mum. Didn't do enough about Russell Brand. She didn't?

You know, she's a good woman and I miss her. But where was she on that? But then she'd start dreaming while she was awake. Oh God. So she was drunk and like awake dreaming. That's lovely. It's fucking not when you're 11. Not as you for you, but for them. That's lovely. It's fucking not when you're 11. Not as you, for you, but for them.

Flying. Yeah. You can sort of get away with whatever you want though at that stage. Yeah. Mum, can we have a house fire? Yeah, go on. Only two. But you're going to bed soon.

You've got school in six hours. It happens. It's one of the coolest past days. That's sassy. Can we have a house fire? The crazy shit you get up to what I did there Dan was I went for

something that like no parent in their sober mind would ever laugh Dan that was just hyperbole I know it was a bit hyperbole

but I genuinely the way you talk about your childhood I wouldn't put it past you and Jack to be like lad listen bonfires are fucking

freezing outside when they're getting going let's do it inside we used to camp in the back garden that was pretty much as dangerous as it got with all the

woodland creatures of Dubby. Finn, what did you see in the cinema? The new Poirot film. Shut up. Yeah. Nadans. Is it a Poirot film? No. I did. We did go watch the new Poirot film. Without your mum? Yeah.

She's in it. I did. We did go watch the new Poirot film. Without your mum? Yeah. She's in it. I did invite her. Not to last night, but I did say, do you want to go and watch it? And she's a purist. She was like, no,

I'm not watching it. I'll wait until it's on, on ITV3, on a Tuesday morning. And that's when I'll watch it. If it's not Soushe. I won't watch anyone but Soushe. Oh,

I knew it was going to be that. She's pretty much like, it's a disgrace. Who's the new one? Kenneth Branagh. Who's that? What? He's in Harry Potter.

Who is he? No. The one that lies in, what's he called? That writes the book. That writes the book and gives him the signed bibliography or whatever.

Lockhart. Lockhart. Professor Lockhart. Yeah. He's the new Poirot. Yeah. He can't lay Soushe's muzzy, mate. Are you fucking joking me? You should see the moustache as well. It's ridiculous. What? His moustache is, yeah he's the new Poirot yeah he can't lace Souchet's muzzy mate are you

fucking joking me you should see the moustache as well it's ridiculous what his moustache is ridiculous

it's like like a proper not like David Souchet's is it which looked fucking reasonable at all times how old's Souchet

these days must be 80s right have I made this up was David Souchet also an ITV newsreader no same name that was John Souchet but is it his brother is it his brother Who made this up? Was David Suchet also an ITV newsreader? No. Same name.

That was John Suchet. Is it his brother? I mean, Suchet's quite an unusual name, probably. Because they look identical. Yeah, no, it is his brother, John Suchet. Fucking hell, the Suchets. Well, then, the Suchets. Finn's mum is loving this episode so far.

Because I remember that. So, off. Hang on, wasn't he on the news once? So, what's it like? What happens? Who kills? Who? What? Oh, Poirot!

No spoilers. What, are you going to ruin the big Poirot film for us? Yeah, Bruce Willis is a ghost, is he? Fuck off. In Poirot? I'm going to ruin it for you. At the end, Poirot catches him. Or does he?

Or does he? Yeah. Now you have ruined it. Because you've done At the end, Poirot catches him. Or does he? Now you have ruined it. Because you've done that as if, oh, that's obvious. And Finn's face was, no, he doesn't. Now you've ruined it.

It's the one thing, that's how they've made it good. Poirot can't solve it and he turns to drugs and he turns to alcohol. He turns to fucking sleeping tablets but then stays awake and fights them

to watch Russell Brand. It's pretty edgy. Fucking Poirot, this one. In Venice. In Venice. Yeah. It was... stays awake and fights them to watch russell brand it's pretty edgy fucking this on it in venice in venice yeah it was it was all joking aside finn yeah what uh i know your mom loves puero why did you go and see puero it was the only thing that i wanted to watch at the cinema right i fancy going to the cinema i just wouldn't go to the cinema no i like i can't watch anything at home like i can't focus because it's just pu. Because it's just Poirot. Yeah, it's just 24-7 Poirot.

I get that, though. Sometimes I've been away gigging and I just go to the cinema and watch something that I would never have watched. He probably would have watched Poirot, but if there's nothing that I want to watch and I've got hours to kill in the city

and nothing to do... It's a free hit. Just go and watch it. Yeah. Even if it's purely like... If it's shit, I'll just go on my phone, which I'd be doing in a cafe apparently it's good for a hangover on your own go on the cinema no that's like on a hangover i need to watch

something i've seen before it's too i get to solo cinema trips are underrated though yeah i've never done one but i know i'd like it yeah try it say the same with solo traveling i couldn't really do that obviously i've got a partner i reckon know what's mad I reckon more than anyone I know literally more than anyone I know you like your own company yeah but also I don't think I know anyone

who's less likely to do these things on their own isn't that weird yeah like you wouldn't just go I'm gonna go to the cinema today because you wouldn't drag yourself out the house

you'd rather stay in your dressing gown it's so true kimono yeah it's dressing gown I wouldn't go into the winter then oh have you changed it up I've gone to the thicker togged one oh nice yeah you're right your dressing gown. It's so true. Kimono. Yeah, it's dressing gown now, going into the winter then. Oh,

have you changed it up? I've gone to the thicker togged one. Oh, nice. Yeah, you're right. I love my own company. I'm sick,

me. Yeah, but then you don't go and use it. You need to spend better time with yourself. No, I love my own company doing nothing. Yeah, but you know, like when,

what you're in is a loveless marriage with yourself. You know, like one of those loveless marriages that just go into the fucking 90s with the eight each other but they hate each other and they're just in the house doing nothing. He doesn't appreciate me.

He doesn't take me anywhere. And all it would take to reignite that spark, take yourself to cinema, get yourself an ice blast but don't tell yourself you're going to get it until you get there

and you'll be like, yeah, it's an ice blast. I'm so good to me. Go to get an ice blast but forget and go, oh, well in me.

Yeah. Aren't I nice? Okay, I'll do that. Carl does things on his own. Yeah. Spa weekend. Oh, is that a spin-off?

I've done spa weekends on my own. Have you? Yeah. When you were single? No. Just when I've been like gigging away. Yeah. I think gigging away skews this whole thing

because all comics have had to spend time on their own because you're like, well, I don't know anyone here. Sometimes you don't want to hang out with the comics. You're like, no, I'm going to treat myself. Go to a time on their own. Because you're like, well, I don't know anyone here. Sometimes you don't want to hang out with the comics. You're like, no, I'm going to treat myself. Go to a restaurant on your own. It's different if you've not been away working. You're like in your own environment where your friends and family and missus live.

What car do you do alone? Crazy golf. I don't know, you know. I don't know. Maybe you could, you know, if you got there for a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and you had a Friday morning. Three nights of crazy golf on your own? No, you know. I don't know. Maybe you could, you know, if you got there for a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and you had a Friday morning. Three nights of crazy golf on your name?

No, Friday morning. Friday morning, maybe. You can't do crazy golf on your own, or axe throwing. Just do it twice. You can't do axe throwing class. You all right, mate? You're angry. No, no one else coming, just me.

If you look like me, you just can't go to the arcades on your own at all, ever. Just don't do that face. What are you playing, air hockey? I'll just say, I'm air hockey. What else can't you do on your own? Do you reckon you could ten pin bowl on your own? I don't think that's as bad.

Yeah. Just get in your own lane and fucking... I think if you go and ten pin bowling on your own, you have to have your own ball. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Because then it looks like you're a bowler.

But if you just turn up and put the fucking, like the Hollywood Bowl shoes on and go looking around the lanes for the size 10 fucking finger hole, then you look a bit weird. But if you turn up with a fucking, a really sick bowling ball with like flames on and that,

you know what I mean? Oh, cool. And you've got your own shoes and those fucking pedo sunglasses that people wear inside. That's what what I mean and you've got your own shoes and those fucking pedo sunglasses that people wear inside that's what you should do turn it with your own ball

the rig outs and stuff but then put the sides up and use the wrap yes that's such a baller move wow is this guy a pro he must be in training and then you've got the ones

for like special eight year olds I'm telling you right now we're filming that as a sketch okay we're filming that lo lo lo lo lo you know like a 290 game he's like yes sorry as a like a prank video so we'll get we're gonna book like the hollywood bowl

on like uh or one of the ones in town what a gaff mate at like 7pm on a Saturday for a lane and we're gonna have I'll do it or Dan turn up in full bowling rig out with a purpose and we'll be

like taking off blowing it off and we'll have like hidden cameras on the other people going look at that fucking paedophile over there with his own fucking stuff

and then just put the sides up and do the whole game and watch everyone react to it be like where do you know I have a caddy. Yeah, it's got left to right this one.

Right, yeah. Do stretches. Do stretches just before you like, and then just roll it down the metal thing. Dan, I think you'd look best doing this. Yeah. Cool.

I'm really glad we've had that meeting. I like it. It's a new idea and I'm into it. Oh, that'd be so funny, you know, people's reactions to that. Do you have a crazy golf as well,

Tanner? Would you know, like, like custom putter driver yeah I don't do stuff on my own but I do love

my own company and I'd hate to be one of them people you're not you're okay with your own company I'm good with my own company now

I haven't always been you used to do my editing when we were first mates how much you loved your own company oh really yeah because now, I haven't always been. You used to do my editing when we were first mates. How much you loved your own company. Oh, really? Yeah. Because you'd want like a FIFA night that stopped at like quarter past eight

because you wanted to be on your own for the last two hours. And I'd be like, I don't want to go home and play on my own. Where am I going to go? Yeah, see? But he'd be like,

do you want to come round to ours tonight and play FIFA? I'd be like, fucking right I do. Yes, fucking mate's nice. Yes. For an hour and a half. No, but he'd be like lad do you want to come round to ours tonight and play FIFA I'd be like fucking right I do yes fucking mate's nice yes for an hour and a half no but we would be there for an extended period of time

it would be like two hours or maybe we've added by tweet or whatever and then he's just like right so yeah just stay fuck off now

like slightly more subtle and I'd be like like his mum wasn't like right it's time for Adam to go or anything like that it was just he wanted to still do this

I'd go home and play him from my house yeah you just wanted your own space I told you I charge on my own

I like being on my own because I do the stuff that I like hang on hang on but in this situation if you basically tell him to go home

and then you keep continuing to play the game online it's not like you're doing your own things you're just continuing what you were doing with Adam

he's like fucking don't touch me he wants to's not like you're doing your own things. You're just continuing what you were doing with Adam. No, he wants to eat. Like, he's like fucking done. Yeah. Oh, he wants to do his stretches. It's just me shaking. You can have your knob out. You can fart and stuff. Oh, because you'd never fart in front of Adam.

That was a big thing for me growing up. I didn't want people to fart in front of me. I didn't want friend time to end with anyone. Like, I just wanted to, wanted like I'd want to play out until the very last second playing footy I wanted to like

if my mum ever told me like me mates it's time for them to go now it's nine o'clock I'd be like oh half an hour more bedtime come on it's bedtime

I never wanted it to stop but now that continued into your drinking as well yeah it's the same same thing oh I can keep going yeah yeah

it's FOMO, isn't it? You want to see everything that could possibly happen. But that is gone. Like, yesterday when we were doing all our filming, Will was like, right, we're heading to Hot Water now. I went to him. I'll see you there. And I walked there on my own.

I was like, I want 15 minutes with no cunt talking to me. Yeah, I like just to... I do what I like. I put the things in a tie that I like. And shit. Obviously, it's nice doing it with somebody else, but you kind of like... What do you want to watch?

You can't watch the shit I watch. I watch stupid stuff. What are you telling me? I built a garden office for this same fucking feeling. And men need that more than women as well. Think? Yeah, absolutely. Men need their own little sanctuary.

More than women. I don't know why maybe i'm wrong there but i feel like that's no i see what you mean here the older you get the more you like get a bit set in your ways and like just want a bit of fucking chill yeah women are like this is all ours and you're like yeah yeah there's yet but what's mine like i need mine i just need this place where i can that's your your office though innit like the house is ours but that is my like and the stuff that's ours belongs to the woman

doesn't it sorry to be so heteronormative yeah delivery room like it's yours but if she wants a certain painting it's going up

it's not even a question I don't go in and turn the telly over am I mad she picks what's on the telly I like it I bought artwork for the kitchen

that wasn't officially sanctioned by Laura and it hasn't gone up the telly i bought artwork for the kitchen that wasn't officially sanctioned by laura and it was a little cuddles in the kitchen you know like they do the lyrics of a song i really love the colors and i really like it and i i haven't asked for much to be out or anywhere i was like i think this look good in the kitchen not gonna only it not only did not go up it moved onto sort of the windowsill and she was like it looks all right there it's now moved from the windowsill it's basically propped next to the bin which is about to go in that is the the gradual movement of like not really not really probably not if laura came home today with uh artwork she'd bought and was like, I would go, what has happened today, madam?

Go on. But if she bought something and was like, you know the space in the kitchen that you had your eye on for that little bit? Yeah. If she come home today

with anything, obviously within reason, it was like fucking a gangbang with 18 dogs involved. You're not going to want that up. Painted or is that a photo? It's a photo. It's like we've seen the one playing cards.

Yeah, yeah. It's the one after that the dogs playing snooker yeah the gangbang one look at that Alsatian there isn't I looked

there's so many dogs in here there's every chance so Laura brings home this artwork there's nothing really that she would buy that you'd even argue about sister

for like the communal space in the kitchen or the living room pretty much she could have whatever she wants up uh i say this i am a lot less strict about sort of imposing my i really don't like that because last time i really went to town on, can we get some fucking artwork up? It's very slow. There's hardly anything up. Like I tweeted on my Instagram stories, we had the log burner going and I was watching NFL the other morning

because it was cold. And two people were like, lad, there literally is nothing on your walls, is there? Still. So I'm a lot less, like I'm easy going. She has bought stuff.

When I really pressed her on it, she went and bought like some artwork. And I was like, I easy going she has bought stuff when i really pressed her on it she went and bought like some artwork and i was like i'm gonna be honest i just don't like it yeah but i'm that's happened you're more of a one of the most men i know that happened once in like four years absolutely fucking nothing oh no i really like photo like 2004 it was that unless you Unless Morton Gams-Peterson was in it. You would put that up. Yeah, I would. You'd like that.

Morton Gams-Peterson, two guy. I think if Serica brings back a 2004-2005 Blackburn Rovers team picture, you've got to check her for a head injury, because that would be hugely out of character, wouldn't it? She's doing it for me. Obviously, this is lovely, because we spent time in Japan, and everything else really accents the room nicely obviously blackburn 0405 i thought my jabba i thought my darbyshire was dead who

am i thinking of who's dead peter whittingham sorry for him it sort of made sense but it's getting a screech who are these people former Former Premier League wingers. Basically, I let everything go because I just, you know, she's in the house a lot. I'm on tour and out of the house a lot. I'm genuinely going to get a Blackburn Rovers 0405 photo framed. Not a huge one, not like an A2 or something, just an A4 and just leave it in the kitchen and see what happens.

Oh, please do. I'm just going to be like, when she's like, what's that? I'm like, you know I love Rovers. That I've never mentioned in 10 years. Darling,

I grew up near Blackburn. I love Rovers. Yes, that is Peter Whittingham. Never played for him when he's dead, but. And then it'll end up

in the garden office when she goes, why don't you go for it? What would you do if she goes, oh my God, two guys, sadly? I'd be weirdly impressed.

Do you know what's a boss date night idea that I think you and Seneca would love? Go on. Go to the range, right? Don't even tell her

you're doing this to surprise her with it. The shot. Yeah. I know Seneca sort of likes well enough that I think she'd love this and if you surprised her with this

she'd be like that's fucking sick go on go to the range love the range get two massive blank canvases and a load of paints

and paintbrushes and when she comes home from work one day just have them on the floor with a dust sheet under them and say we're gonna just paint these canvases

and hang them up yeah we're gonna paint them for two hours and then you need to fuck off because I need my own company have you? yeah so we've got a book shut up really? yeah these canvases and hang them up. Yeah. We're going to paint them for two hours and then you need to fuck off because I need my own company. Have you?

Yeah. So we've got a book called... Shut up! Really? Yeah. You've had portrait night. York and Cole, mate. York and Cole. Shearer and the one he played with

were the fucking same. Kiss something. Yeah. Bags of Shearer. We've got a book called The Couple's Book or whatever and the first... He scratched it off

and the first one was dress up really really smart have champagne and wine and paint and we did that it's certainly it was what

dress so you dress up as if you're going to a black tie event you're going to Tiger Woods birthday you're going to Tiger Woods birthday

a court case a wedding what and then get paint on it. You paint in a fucking tuxedo. You look fancy, you act fancy,

and you paint. It was fun. And it's different. Cookie. Crazy. Have you kept those, have you kept that artwork? Literally, yeah.

Did you just paint two guy? Is that me? No, it's not. It's two guy, mate. Phenomenal midfielder. She's so good at painting and I'm not. But like,

she respected my efforts. Hers was good. Mine was well done. Different. Was it when you were new or was it like recently? It was in this house literally like a year ago.

Wow. Why are you so surprised? It's just... It's because your love life has got no flamboyancy to it i have honestly when it comes to uh you know black tie arts and crafts no me and laura have not done that you're absolutely right i'm gonna go home with laura going this is pathetic we've never worn lingerie and done a plique or we're not even a proper couple. So if Laura came home and you were like, I've got some paints there, let's just have a laugh and have a drink and get drunk. She'd fucking love it. And she'd suck it off. Yeah. Women love spontaneous

stuff. Including spontaneous blowjobs. Yeah. Who's feeding the kids? Never mind that, Laura. We're painting portraits. Jack's falling down the stairs. Yeah. The kids are with the nun. The kids are out for the night. I've got us some drink and take away. We're trying to paint. She'd fucking love it yeah okay cool yeah she would we're taking to a posity taking applications for a nan that lives around us that'd be fucking we want to do

posity but that sounds like you've missed it by the way which take it for the posity class oh yeah what we do later but a posity you know what i mean with a filipino house guests we want to do party it's expensive though so we haven't done it yet but yeah you can lend this book off us if you want yeah okay cool and you scratch so what you do is you pick out at home or out and then you pick your travel time so like it might be too far away whatever because it might be like a sunday i've got much time and you scratch it off and it goes do this and you've got to do it and then you get a polaroid you take a picture you do it you scratch it off and it goes do this and you've got to do it and then you get a polaroid and you take a picture you do it

and you put it in see here's the thing no my problem with that book is I don't have to do it yeah but you've got to I know no but you haven't

classic Adam no but that is the problem I'd have with that book is I would eventually scratch something off and be like I'm not doing that

yeah and that's what you've done no genuinely that was the first one I was like oh fucking hell and then we went to Rennie's on Bald Street when it was still open

that was lovely because we got to buy paint and paint brushes Rennie's was a beautiful shop that's unfortunately gone and that was a part of it it was great but you

I love that I love that Adam is like yeah you're a book I don't have to listen to you that is one of my he's right one of them would be like I don't want to do that

but you've kind of got to be invested and just do it and you'll have fun yeah cool I'll do it yeah I'll get the book I'll get a tuxedo

I'll get Laura a ball gown and some crayons and she will nosh me off thanks Carl great advice great advice are we going to book a babysitter

yeah so we have to do this in the garden office you don't tell her you're booking a babysitter what do you mean because that's the mental load on her then what do you mean you have to surprise her surprise her with what take the mental load away

the kids are already out that's the fucking babysitter is the mental load no booking a babysitter is mental load you go the kids are gone no I'll book it no you don't even tell her the kids are gone you don't want to where are the kids you don't want her thinking like what book it. No, you don't even tell it. The kids are gone. Where are the kids?

You don't want her thinking like, what's he up to here? You don't want any of that. Do you want me to just lock the kids outside? What are you talking about? Her mother lives in Bedfordshire. Not a euphemism for sleeping. You get her mum to come and take the kids for the night.

I get her mum to drive from Bedford for three hours. Is that your only babysitter? Yes! Apart from Jasmine. Shout out. She's a patron who lives down the road, which always freaks Laura out. Who lives...

What am I doing? Right, Jasmine, I need you to babysit. Where? Your house. Why? Because we're doing fancy arts and crafts. Your house? Why?

Because I'm surprised Laura would. It's so romantic. Oh, that's lovely. Well, just give my kids to the babysitter and just get her to wander around fucking Sorghal and Blakey no they're not going wandering around Sorghal

they're going to her house aren't they no that's not our babysitter or the local babysitting hotel where everything ah there we go

I should have thought of booking them in at the local babysitting hotel that's a good idea by the way brilliant like a doggy daycare

for babies take them there just take them there you take them a kennel there you go they're in the cage okay then that's an XL bully Etta

Jack two more XL bullies you get Laura's mum to drive up from Bedfordshire three hours three and a half in traffic with a piss break

she gets to see her grandchildren at the end of it it's not like she's driving to fucking DFS to try and get a full price sofa is it she's coming to fucking look after her grandchildren I don't want to say I mean if you DFS to try and get a full price sofa, is it? She's coming to fucking look after the couch.

She's trying to. I don't want to say it. I mean, if you go to DFS and get a full price sofa, you're not concentrating. DFS offers a lot. The dealer's furniture store, that stands for. Pay a petty as well. Thanks for the fact.

Oh. Right. Oh, yeah, pay a petrol. You get her up from Bedfordshire and you put her up in the Hilton, in like the suite. Nice. So that she's got two rooms. She's got a bedroom and the kids and the kids get to go and stay put it up in the Hilton in like the suite so that she's got two rooms

she's got her bedroom and the kids and the kids get to go and stay with their nan for the night and you get to go to fucking Pussyville mate right so

so far date night is costing me about 320 quid yeah you can afford it flip it give her the house you take the suite no that's not the same

I don't I put you I prefer fucking in my own house mate yeah I know I know how everything weighs, mate. Yeah. I know, I know, I know how everything weighs

and like, I know what I can bend someone over and what I can fucking manipulate them on. You know what I mean? I don't, I like their legs. At this point, I'd take it in my own house.

I can make you something for me. Can I be in here? Are there that much of that lamp weight? Vox or Corsa. I'd take it anywhere. So that's valid. So right now, I've got my kids in a five-star suite at the hilton

with my tired travel weary mum step-mom no mother-in-law stop worrying about him right they're gone as long as mom you're a step-mom no she's my mother-in-law weird family dynamic carry on no i have got a step-mom i know know. She does. No, she just doesn't talk to me. She's also not an option for babysitting. Dangerous water here, Dan. Let's swim away. You can get the internet in Tarleton. Yeah, so I'm all in.

So I've got the house. Laura's like, where are the kids? And I'm like, shh, never mind about that. I know you haven't seen your mum for four months, but she's around the corner in a suite at the Hilton. But it's not about her. Shh, shh. I'm taking the load off you.

I know you thought they'd been kidnapped because I didn't explain what was going on, but they're just gone. Don't even think about it because that's how being a mum works. Out of sight, out of mind. And then, by the way, you're going to need a mum works. Out of sight, out of mind. And then, by the way, you're going to need a frock.

What do you mean you've not got one? It's like you're not trying for this date night. Mental load again. I've got you one. Oh, women love to be dressed. Here you are, love. Here's a lovely dress. I didn't know what size, so I just guessed 14,

so there'd be some gif. You didn't know what size. What? Check the ones in the wardrobe, knob know what size what check the ones in the wardrobe knobhead oh check the ones in the wardrobe great 12 i don't know why am i doing this um give her the dress she she's like it's not really my color i'm like shut up idiot little oh it's gone we've gone black little black dress she's got the black dress on lbd yeah yeah and some shoes that weren't and she's like oh my god you're taking me on a big night no let's go down to the garden office

thinking it'd be pretty excited I'm doing art attack with you it's not an awards night why would you think it's an awards night yeah I always wear a tuxedo

idiot get the brushes she'd laugh her head off she would she'd have a oh it'd be brilliant you'd have the funnest night ever have tequila

obviously bed and edibles yeah tequila a mid shelf wine like a nine quid bottle of wine from the Asda oh yeah

she knows that that's not a six quid one that crimes one what's it 19 crimes crime wine get that in crime wine

yeah is that one of the ones yeah is that mid shelf crime wine I've got some crime wine in the... It's up to 11 quid, the crime wine. I like the yellow one with that.

I like ones that have got that little gold netting around it. It makes it look fancier. I don't know. It's still about eight quid. So you just shit all over that idea, but it's a good idea. Obviously, she's not going to think the kids are being kidnapped because what you do is,

you send her to get her nails done and her makeup by like a professional makeup artist. Brilliant, brilliant. He knows. Another 80 quid. So we're up to 400. You can afford it? You've got seven cars?

Sell one of your fucking cars? And I've also paid the fuel for my mother-in-law. Fucking 70 quid. Right. So I'm 470 in and I've not even been noshed off. How much am I paying on paint? Spending on paint.

How much of that? You get the good paint because you want them to last. And a bit of a... Because we'll be doing this again next week. Yeah. You need to get varnish as well

or sealant. Varnish? Nice. Yeah, you want to protect it. Varnish? Yeah. We're giving it... You could even do a bit of joinery.

Make a table, some dovetail joints. Hang on, so are we doing artwork or are we doing carpentry? You're right, love. Kids are

kids are kneeling with your mum. And me and you are going to rewire the house. In a ball gown! In a ball gown! In a ball gown! What a fucking brilliant way for a couple to die, both getting electrocuted like they're at the fucking Oscars. Oh, God.

Down your door! The police are going to have a mad time when they come in. Like, gone, girl. Try and figure out what's going on there. You've got a fucking screwdriver and a plug socket. On a Tuesday night.

Where are the kids? They're in the hill. They're burnt to death. Oh, God. The poshest fucking suicide pact you've ever seen. Women love spontaneity. Women love suicide pacts. Get a mum up, book them into the Hilton.

It was suicide pact. It's on page nine, and you've got to do what the book says. Suicide pact. That was one that Adam was like, yeah, I don't want to kill myself. Fuck off, you're a book. Well, boys, that was a slow build

But it was beautiful Let's have a break Hey you The podcast's on a little break here isn't it There's nothing for you to listen to So why don't you do us a favour While we're on a break Like this if you're on YouTube

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Part two of six. It's my favourite piece of clothing. It's very, very nice. It is a lovely blue. Michigan Brady. I like blue. Michigan Brady. Air Jordan.

The Wolverines, mate. I'm a Wolverine for life. Yeah, they're doing well? I don for life. Yeah, they're doing well. I don't know. Yeah, they are smashing it, the Wolves. I like their uniforms, though. I pick American sports teams like women pick horses on the Grand National. I like the pink.

You need to stop saying women like that. I don't mean all women. I mean the ones I know. Good? Yeah. Just a couple of questions. All right. First one from Matty Rutter.

Oh, loves it on the scr one from Matty Rutter. Oh, loves it on the scrutter. If a statue of you was ever made, what pose would you want? What location? And what would you want the plaque to say? I'd want the sexy therapist's chair.

Do you know what I mean? Like I'm laying on the therapist's bed. Oh, shaves long. Just move over. On the shaves long, on the shaves long. For the audio listeners,

Adam's being super sexy on the desk. That's the Brent to me. Yeah. Yeah, it is. You're doing an office reference. But I'm seeing that, so it's the sexy therapist's chair for me.

And then where were I want it? Yeah. On top of the cop. Over, like overlooking. Yeah, so I'm constantly just watching the match from the best seat in the house. And then what does the plaque say? Adam.

Yeah, I mean, it doesn't really matter what's on the plaque, because no one's, yeah, it's on the top of a stadium, isn't it? The plaque's massive, though. It's bigger than Huffington. What about you, Dan? I'd like a bronze statue of me in a tuxedo, Laura in a ball gown

with a little screwdriver and us both dead, electrocuted. And I just want the plaque to say, date night. Where's date night where's that where's that where does it need to be oh do I do I get to choose

where it is it's on top of the cop of course where's yours erm the the Liverpool road end the Anfield road end damn

Anfield road end Liverpool road's in page moss yeah stupid stupid the other side so just really fucking up the skyline of Anfield Road end they put roads in page moss yeah stupid stupid the other side so just really fucking up the skyline

of Anfield what are you going for Carl I don't know maybe have you seen when people sit backwards on chairs with their legs yeah

yeah yeah probably that like a substitute teacher who wants to get on a level with the kids call me Carl yeah I'm not like a normal teacher

that it blows my mind you've been a teacher. Yeah. Terrifying. Barcelona as well. Yeah, but not in schools. I don't know. Got upset for that.

Not in schools? Not in public schools, no, I was in private school. In Japan? Yeah. But you haven't taught in the UK, have you?

No, I've volunteered in a classroom for a month on my old school to see if I liked it. And I was sick. Kids love me. A teaching assistant? Basically, I basically rang my old school and went, hello, I want experience in a school.

Can I just come into the school? And they were like, yeah. All the receptionists were the same people, recognised me, which was mad. And they were like, yeah, just go into a class for a month. And I was basically, what do you want me to do? And she put me with this young lad who needed

like one to one and on the last day I brought me Elder Wand in from Harry Potter and he thought it was real and it was the best day of his life

this wasn't a top set was it no this lad needed one to one help Adam he wasn't like the smartest person in the class

yeah plus he thought a wand was real no but I told him it was real. But I said, there's a work in schools because you've got to be doing your work. Because you're not allowed to do magic and just muggle schools.

I was like, you know, if I took this outside, I couldn't do magic. He's like, wow. I was like, there's a work in schools. He was like, best day of his life. Was this in Cardinaline? No, in St. Paul's. Oh, your little school.

Right, right, right. Okay. Carl went into a school and got his wand out. So let's leave it at that. I honestly thought you, right, right. Okay. Carl went into a school and got his wand out. So let's... I honestly thought you meant Carl and Lena. Mad. But whatever I was talking about

before that, Adam said I was a teacher. Yes, I can't remember what I was talking about. What would you have on your plate? Oh, yeah, I'd have that on Christ the Redeemer's shoulder. And it'd just say,

is that enough? Yeah. Good. Nice. Solid. Right, from Finn Grove. If you and your partner somehow swapped bodies for a day

would you shag what would i suck my own cock if you and your partner somehow swap bodies for a day would you shag i suppose that's the first thing you're doing it that's the dream if anything in it getting to fuck yourself and it is it is it the dream what do you think next time you piss someone off and they're like go fuck yourself and i've done it mate it was sick now you fuck off i wouldn't so yes you would i wouldn't suck my own willy oh maybe would you would you because you're in serica's body for the day yeah no noshy noshy yeah but what about pound town and not even the pile drive to the arse

just a just a gentle because it's your first time yeah I just want to see what it was like yeah well better isn't it

the euphemism of put your finger in your ear and like tickle it which bit feels better famous euphemism what like who enjoys

sex more men or women put your finger in your ear and do that which part feels better the ear Carll have you literally ever heard another and the ear is the pussy yeah of course if you keep scratching your ear you will come you think it hasn't got a bell in it i've got a clit in my ear so there you go it's not gay to fuck yourself though is it and anyway it's not gay because you're a woman, is it? In any way, it's not gay

because you're a woman for the day. If you bent your cock up and put it up your own ass, it's gay. Next question, Finn. You know what? No silences. Just crack on.

Just crack on. I was just reflecting on what you said. You'll just pile through. I was writing my dad's opinion on it. Yeah. Underrated, overrated. What, you want... Oh, shit.

I'll tell you what, if you're going to crack on through, I've got to be ready. Underrated, overrated. They grip you wide from where they're troubled. This first one's from Oscar. Heated seats. Overrated.

I don't ever want to be warm. Ever. Especially for an extended period of time. I'm assuming he means heated car seats no I don't need it I like it in the winter a little bum warm I'll turn it off though

don't keep it on the whole thing that's fucking weird just initially before the car's warmed up it is kind of nice because they heat up pretty quick see in BMW you have to get a subscription for that

what? so they're making everything a subscription aren't they? what? if you've got a BMW you have to get a subscription for that what so they're making everything a subscription now aren't they what everything if you've got a BMW you have to subscribe and pay yearly for the tan

the heated seats oh fuck off yeah no yeah ridiculous everything's a subscription no I mean it's not

Patreon it's great but right Harland Robinson says overrated or underrated music during sex it depends on what it is doesn't it uh R&B Roland Robinson says, overrated or underrated? Music during sex. Depends on what it is, doesn't it?

R&B. That's good, yeah. It's Usher's debut album. Oh, Confessions. Yeah. Got a burn for me to say this. I'm coming up your ass. Been a long time coming.

Do you know who you're seeing in the Super Bowl next year, Dan? I do, yeah. We're all, every NFL fan's just like, cool, everyone, like, throw, yeah. We're all, every NFL fan's just like, cool, everyone, like, throw it out. But in 2021,

it peaked. What, are we going for music during sex? I'm not into it, man. No? I don't know, unless you've got a special playlist. I just don't know. No, that's worse.

I'm putting my sex playlist on. Your shagging playlist. No, just put a bit of a, just put some tunes on and then just get to the pound. Yeah, but what tunes? What tunes? Just whatever. I've fucked a country music. What? playlist. No, just put a bit of a, just put some tunes on and then just get to the pound. Yeah, but what tunes? What tunes? Just whatever.

I've fucked a country music. What? Alexa. No, you haven't. No. I have, because that's all I've got on really and then sometimes you go to fuck town spontaneously.

That's different, don't it? If Wagon Wheel comes on, you're not fucking. I probably have fucked a Wagon Wheel. Yeah. Anything, it quickens him up. He definitely has fucked a Wagon Wheel. It's on enough

yeah I will have music being on sound I more often than not don't fuck to telly and then I have to rewind and try and remember

and then you go I remember that bit from when I was doing that yeah yeah yeah yeah and also you get to know exactly how long you take

because you get to go oh fuck that you take. Because you get to go, oh, fuck, that was, fuck, no. So, like, what I do is, when we start, I pause the telly

and I'm like, right, that's on 37 minutes and I go back to where it started and it's like, oh, eight minutes, that's 29 minutes.

I do exactly the same thing. Pause the good wife. You don't pause, you're not pausing the telly. Oh, you just keep fucking through the good wife yeah yeah you're not listening but you're hearing yeah you're listening with your eyes right cool i'm a i like it all you're not in the dark though silent oh just nice and i don't need to put like if you're in a room where nothing's on i don't go laura i want to fucking bang you so

bad but let me just put the TV on in the background, maybe YouTube. Just like, no. Why are you walking into a room where Laura's being perfectly silent anyway and then trying to fuck? What? Laura's just sitting there like this.

You're like, fuck yeah. I didn't say we have to whisper. I'm just saying the room's quiet. I'm not going in going, Laura, shut the fuck up. We're going to have sex. Don't turn anything on. Like, it I'm just saying the room's quiet. I'm not going in going, Laura, shut the fuck up. We're going to have sex. Don't turn anything on. Like, it's just that if the room is quiet, I'm not putting stuff on to bang.

Why is Laura sat in this quiet room? Let me just get a CD. Who said she was? I just said, we walked in together. You don't bang in the back, do you? You walked in. She doesn't just wait in a fucking room like an ill person in a bed.

I need help. What do you need, Laura? Dick. You turn the lights on, though. What?? Dick. You turn the lights on, though. What? You do. You turn the lights on, though. Not the big light.

No. You turn them down. The door. No one's fucking with you. I have fucked with the big lights on. A lamp. For lots of music, there is a national song.

I grew out of that. When I was younger, I think it was like, oh, dark. And now I'm like, I think it was like, oh, dark. And now I'm like, no, that's awful. Fucking the dark's awful. It is. It's awful.

You don't like the big lights on, though. No, they take the big lights on. The landing light. Shagging in the dentist, isn't it? The landing light, perhaps. Or a lamp. A lamp. A lamp.

Bedside. One of your two bedside lamps on is perfect. Fuck ambience. Can I just say, fairy lights sometimes. If you've got fairy lights in your room, that caster. I've had girlfriends that have had fairy lights, and it looks really nice if you bonk to them. Yeah.

I once fucked in front of clap-activated Christmas tree lights. If you clapped, it changed what they were doing, and they went fucking bananas. Had an epileptic fit. He was clapping them cheeks. I clapped cheeks. 29 minutes. Lights on.

If you have the lights off, you want to see your part. Ah, once in a while. Nothing wrong with a little... So lights on is overrated. Music is... Lights on is underrated. Underrated, but not the big light not the big

light you don't want it to be clinical you don't want it to feel like an experiment you know carl do you have a big like floor length mirror like a huge one at the side so you can be like what like patrick bateman yeah no but i have done i have i have done that in rooms and i don't love it because i've got to be honest with you, this might shock you. I'm not as good at fucking to the eye as I am to the cock. You're a field player. It doesn't look amazing sometimes. I don't look like a porn star, but I feel like a porn star.

Yeah. You ever fuck with a mirror on the ceiling? What? You ever had a mirror on the ceiling? No. Where was that? love hotels in Japan best gaff, big circle bed, red light

nasty basically karaoke next one, Gary Blank oh my god I've just remembered my dad had a floor length mirror wait you remember him? I just remembered one of the houses we lived in i've just remembered but you know saying floor-length mirror i've just remembered the

last place i saw what was in my dad's bedroom and it's just giving me the when he was with your mom now a few years after why do you think that's bedroom what why were you in your dad's bedroom i wasn't banned from's bedroom i wasn't banned from the bedroom i wasn't harry potter i wasn't living under the stairs i like like i i'm aware of what was in different rooms what are you doing in my room just checking where the mirrors are it was just there was a mirror in there go it's this guy he's got forgot to put a second name in yeah gary blank uh coleslaw underrated or overrated? Overrated. Shite. It's like fucking...

Finally, we agree. What is it? It's the thing you get with the Zanandos. Yes. It's like you've lost a side doing that. Yeah.

I mean, you know this mayonnaise? I don't know whether you could put some stale veg in it for us, could you? I mean, is this calf vegetable sick? Yeah. I like that.

Can you mush it right next to my burger as well? Nice one. I want it touching my other food. Can I just say most salad on burgers is unnecessary and overrated. Correct. Like, I think it's all style over substance.

Like, lettuce on a burger makes other things soggy and doesn't even keep its form. Like, lettuce on a cold sandwich, I get. I do. And it's got the crisp. Yeah. on a cold sandwich, I get. I do. And it's got the crisp. Yeah. But if you get your Subway toasted, the lettuce shouldn't really be on that either for me.

It should only be on a cold Subway. Yeah, it's warm lettuce. Oh, yeah. I don't get my Subway toasted. As soon as you warm up the lettuce, it's like soggy cabbage lettuce. It's bollocks, yeah. Tomatoes, I don't like on burgers.

I don't mind tomatoes now I got into a Greek salad while I was in Greece fucking wonderful really nice stuff really liked it on a burger I just don't need it

it makes the bread horrible and I feel like a child when I whenever I order a burger I have to go no lettuce no tomato and then

if the onions are uncooked onions they can suck me fucking bollocks as well yeah never agreed with him so much like yeah anything like that is completely overrated Onions, they can suck me fucking bollocks as well. I never agreed with him so much. Like, yeah, anything like that is completely overrated.

I honestly think Five Guys are so good for this. They're like, you want a burger, when you say cheeseburger, we'll assume you mean the meat, the cheese and bread. And then literally everything else is listed. You can have all of it. You can literally say every one of them, but you get to go,

I like a little lettuce, mayo, ketchup, hot sauce, whatever. You ask, they don't presume. Do you know about the free bacon for life fast food hack? No. So in Five Guys, all of the toppings are free for everything so you can go in order a five guys burger and ask for extra bacon extra bacon

extra bacon extra bacon extra bacon and you can say that as many times as you like my mum loves bacon nice and they will put on as much bacon as you ask for

you can take it out of the burger and then just reheat it. It's not going to be a, yeah, it's not going to be a burger anymore, is it? It's going to be a cheeseburger

hidden in a pile of bacon. Yeah, but then you take all that bacon off and enjoy your cheeseburger. There's no limit. No. So you can just have unlimited bacon. Legally,

they're not even allowed to go, you've got two kilograms of bacon in that burger. Like, no. It's trading standards. We've got no bacon left. Look, it says free bacon. We've run out of bacon. I will wait for the next delivery. Like, no. It's trading standards. Look, it says free bacon.

We've run out of bacon. I will wait for the next delivery. European consumer law. Which we are. Get on it. Right. That's a hack for most things.

Yeah. Are we still part of that, though? Yeah. Because we're not in Europe anymore. No, we won't be. Are you sure? Was the EU still last year?

That's literally why we left the EU. Yeah, we're not in the EU. Because fucking Brussels, mate, and all their bureaucracy were controlling our laws and making our passports not black. Look how good things are now. European cumulus was fire,

mate. If you had something electrical that broke within four years of buying it, regardless of your warranty, if you took it back and claimed that, you'd have to change it and who owned the thing that was breaking probably Tories who benefits

not having a rule that says you have to replace it Tories yeah fucking rats right next one Liam F

underrated or overrated wearing long sleeve tops or hoodies underneath football tops for the match personally don't see anything wrong with it especially in the winter

when it's freezing I want my football top to be on display rather than my boring hoodie. Go for it, Adam. I think people who judge others for doing it are just being weird. Here's the thing. Okay.

I, if I went to an NFL game, would do that. Correct. If I seen someone doing it at Anfield, it is an immediate sign that they've never stepped foot in this city before. Yeah. I don't wear a net

To the game. It's off the match. To the match. To the match. To the match. Over a hoodie. So this, literally the one I've got on now

with a hoodie under it because you want this top on display. Yeah, but if it's the NFL, that looks very normal. It looks good. Because in the States,

they go and watch games in minus three degrees Celsius and they still do that. That's what they do. They wear the coat and you go and watch games in minus three degrees Celsius, and they still do that. That's what they do. They wear the coat, and you go, cool, you live in fucking New England or whatever. But over here, it's not looking good, is it? No, you're a tourist.

You're the wall? Yeah. That's the biggest wall sign you could possibly get. I would do it at an NFL game if I was cold. But I'm an NFL wolf. What if you took someone to the match for the first time and that's what they turned up in? Well, the first time I took Alfie to the match,

he had white socks on, rolled up jeans and a tote bag. If you can survive that, you can survive anything. What was in the tote bag? Just his belongings. The book that he was reading his book would have been in it

oh yeah his notebook a novel for half time yeah madness but yeah you're right that's tourist

screams tourist right we are tourist in the NFL hey question if we go to Buenos Aires when

yeah when and go and watch Bocca. Are we going to look like that? Are we going to kit up? Or is that touristy? Like weapons? Tulip. I didn't mean tulip.

I know they're a bit feisty down there. I'd wear a Bocca kit, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not... That's fine, isn't it? Is it basically just Anfield that this is not allowed in? Or Goodison? No, I feel like...

I'm not a tourist at Anfield. So you're allowed to be a tourist at Bocca. Yeah, and if you come with me, I don't want you to look like one either. Right. Because I'm taking you. Right. Okay. I'll tell you what makes you a bit of a tourist though, Dan. Food. Let me just find smooth.

You're a food tourist, aren't you? Oh, this smells wonderful. Sex tourist. Welcome to our newest, most popular section. Dan tries to eat stuff that he's never had before. Food. There's your jingle. What is it today?

Today? You're having an OG green pot noodle. I'm sure there was pot noodles that I'd like more than this. You can't try a pot noodle without going for the green one first. Also, this is like one of the most inoffensive things ever. If you don't like this, it's mental. They are staple just goodness. Like, there's no way to go out.

How long ago was this poured, Matthew? Four minutes. So you've done it, as it says on the tin. Oh, my God. Matthew knows what he's doing. I'd have a bit of bread, me. Yeah, you always have bread with this. Have a bit of bread.

Let me have a look. That's wonderful. The soy sauce is already in. Oh, my God. I don't even think I want a bacon butty anymore. I want that. You can have it. In about three minutes.

Adam, what's going on? Hello, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Adam Rowe. I'm the co-host of the Hathaway podcast, and so is he. His name's Dan Nightingale. He is a bit of a food idiot, and he doesn't try food.

So we're forcing him to try it one every single week, a food on episode. I'm an idiot. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dan Tries Food. This is the Have a Weird Podcast. This is Dan Nightingale. He's got food phobias. We've made him try a hot dog.

We made him try scouse, which is essentially just stew. You okay? They haven't seen that yet, but... Oh, God. Here we go. This is Dan Nightingale, age 42, whose first ever crack at a pot noodle. That is pathetic, and you're going to have to have more.

Just give me a break. It doesn't work like that. It doesn't work like that, guys. The more you put on, the more likely I'm not going to like it. Let me just go at my own pace. Okay, okay. You're going to love it. He fucking loves it.

That's objectively pretty sound. Yay! Okay, now I want you to try something else then. Go on. I want you to have a drink of it. Oh! No, that's for the end. No!

You gotta have a drink of it. The last third, you drink. I can't. Have you ever had soup? It's soup. No, I don't have soup. Well, you are going to have a little drink of it because it's a part of having a pot noodle.

It's a part of having it. Let's call that a win. That is a win. Have a drink of it. Dan, do it. Trust us. It's chicken soup. I don't like chicken soup.

You don't know that because you've never had it? I know, but I have noodles. You didn't like chicken and mushroom pot noodles until you tried this? I know, but that's... Drink. It doesn't work. Oi, look at me. Just because you have evidence. Listen, listen. I'm scared, Adam. I know, but I- You didn't like chicken and mushroom pot noodles until you tried this? I know, but that's- Drink. It doesn't work.

Oi, look at me! Just because you have evidence. Listen, listen. I'm scared, Adam. Drink your pot noodle. It's too hot. Ah, we'll have to do this- Drink your pot noodle.

It's too hot. It's like a cup of tea. That's too hot to drink. Oh, it's Skull Town. Ah, I bet that was lovely. No, it isn't. Drink your pot noodle. Was that nice?

It's lovely. This one's dirty now. Drink your pot noodle. Was that nice? It's lovely. This one's dirty now. Drink your pot noodle. Oh, stop being a fucking space idiot. Nailed it. We had to cut that out. Good boy. It's like dirty water.

Yeah, it's all right. Yeah, I'll give you this. It's all right. Well done, Dad. You'd have one of them, wouldn't you? Yeah. Yay!

He got something he fucking actually eats. He didn't mind the hot dog. He didn't mind the Sashdrow. He would order this in a Michelin-starred restaurant. Out of 10, Dan? Not as good as hot dog. That went really well.

Oh. Seven, then? Again, compared to what I thought I was going to, how much I was going to hate it, seven. Compared to food I like I was gonna, how much I was gonna hate it, seven. Compared to food I like, four.

Four? Four. Four. Oh, you were wolfing that down. Oh, look at him, he loves it. He's wolfing. He fucking loves it. Look at him.

Look at his happy face. You're fucking wolfing it. Go on. We love you. Oh, that was a shipple. I'll just take it easy. You know, I've done done is that your first noodles you had noodles before no you never had noodles before you can't keep doing this but you're

insane have you had fried rice yeah yeah yeah like with the one with egg in it yeah yeah i've had that all right but i've had that one yeah Yeah. Okay. You've never had noodles? Okay. I'm gonna get you a chow mein. Right. Cool. So that's gone all right. Yeah. Well done. Tell me what flavors there are. Is there like a spicy one?

Bombay bad boy. Right. I'm telling you, I'd like the Bombay bad boy. Beef and tomato. No. No. Doner kebab. Beef and tomato's not bad. Not a fan of it.

Doner kebab won't taste, it's mad, how it tastes like kebab but it's veggie wow I haven't had that one I do want one though it's nice can I just say

the pressure of everyone watching and listening and you telling me to do it is the only thing this stuff is happening I know the only reason

so on the special that is about to go out in what three weeks two three weeks not to ruin it but I tried scouse and oh my god that's that is about to go out in what, three weeks? Two, three weeks? Not to ruin it, but I tried Scouse and oh my God. That's how I expect every new food to go. So, so far, what are we on like?

We're about two and a half out of four so far, aren't we? For trying. And the baked beans was a disaster. I went halfway with the Greggs. But yeah, it's not going as badly as I thought. What's the next one? Ooh. Eggs.

Comment below what you think. Scrambled. Scrambled eggs on toast. All right, cool. I agree. Fucking hell. Bit of pepper and salt. Do you want that for lunch?

No, I've got a bacon butty coming. I think it's here. Let's go on, Abbie. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Mark Normand is in the building welcome to the show good to be here thanks for making the effort to come because you're not doing a show in liverpool and your manchester one happened before i knew about it so i seen on a ticket master that you were doing birmingham and glasgow and i was like we can definitely just get you picked up and brought here on the way because liverpool is so on the way to Glasgow from Birmingham.

Oh, yeah. I appreciate it. We sent, so whenever we've got a guest that we're determined to get to the studio, we will send a car to pick them up so that there's no fuck-ups. Yeah, that's how you know we want you. When we're picking you up and dropping you off.

That's, yeah. I wanted to do it. I mean, it was weird. They said, we'll pick you up at 9.30. We went out all night last night in Birmingham, which is a tough town to go out in. A lot of just bad bars and fat chicks. And then there was a Shania Twain concert in town,

which really hurt my tickets. You know, a lot of crossover, but a lot of big ladies in cowboy hats and boots really cosplaying it up. See, that's a bit of me, though. I'm into that. Oh, really? Yeah, I went to Nashville and nearly stayed there

just because of the women. Well, for you guys, it's a foreign thing. It's like us wearing an Italian suit. You're like, it's different because you don't have cowboys here. That's true, yeah. So it's ethnic, almost. But a lot of big ladies out there. Man, I feel like a woman.

Horrible teeth and dead skin and good times. And then we went out all night and then woke up at nine. The car wasn't there, so then I went to the free breakfast at the Hampton Inn, and then he showed up, and it was a scramble, but we made it work. I sent my uh a friend of mine Nevin uh Nevin he's a driver I worked with Nevin when I was 16 till about 17 in McDonald's hell yeah you were saying you had a little bit of trouble with his accent he talks

so fast yeah here's my thing the the British in you guys invented the English language so you're like black belts at it so you can talk so so quick, and there's no pauses, and you string words together. I've got to be honest with you, mate. That isn't the problem. Oh, is that not it? It's not that. So Liverpool, where we are now, where I'm from,

where Carl's from, where Nevin's from, there's such a disassociation with most of Britain. It's sort of like we're trying to speak our own language yeah they change sport they change sport they've done a bit jujitsu on it everyone else is doing what is an american city or state that's similar to that well we have like hillbillies like hang out trying to like disassociate from america to be its own thing no it's a florida texas maybe yeah and then you got hawaii and alaska yes that's its own thing. You could say Florida or Texas, maybe. And then you've got Hawaii and Alaska. That's its own thing.

For me, especially Texas, Texas only don't want to be part of the normal American thing because they think they're the real America and everyone else is doing it fucking wrong. Like, Liverpool is like, we don't want anything to do with that. We want our own little republic. We want to float off and join Ireland, ideally.

That's the plan. I like it. Well, we want our own little republic. We want to float off and join Ireland, ideally. Uh-huh. That's the plan. I like it. Well, you got a little Scottish sound in there, too, if I may say so. But I'm... Oh, it's all Gaelic, isn't it? Irish, Scottish. Like, it's all a rich tapestry.

Yes, there you go. See, even with the way you say McDonald's, it sounds like a nice restaurant. You know, we're like McDonald's. And I'm translating for you. Like, I actually talk a lot closer to what nevin sounds like than i am right now and also i would really like one day next time we have an american guy in to just get our jack in get my little brother in for like a day's work experience and get him to sit where finn is and just we'll just pretend that like jack is normally

yeah the lead host and let him ask the questions because I think a lot of people are going to have a lot of trouble. Oh yeah, he's advanced. Advanced scouts. By the way, Manchester has a real problem with you guys. Yeah, I fucked them. I brought it up

like, hey, I'm going to Liverpool or whatever and they were like, they went off. Yeah, I fucked them. You know it up like, hey, I'm going to Liverpool or whatever. And they were like, ah! They went off. Yeah, fuck them. Do you know what that is? Do you know like how- It's all football, right?

No, it goes back to when the two towns used to compete for the same work, like the Liverpool docks and the Manchester Canal were competing for the same work. Okay. They were part of the same system. They benefited from the same thing. Yeah. It's just a fuck you no you fuck you

I throw out the Beatles and they go fuck you we have Oasis and I was like Oasis are just like a really good Beatles tribute band that's what I said I was like I love that we got Bruce Jenner we got Caitlyn

it's just a repeat, a sequel. It's, yeah, Manchester is like, I suppose what Philadelphia is to New York. Manchester is to Liverpool. Like we're obviously the better city and Manchester wishes to be us. So it has to pretend that it doesn't like us. Oh, there's some guy in a football jersey right now.

Really getting pissed in Manchester. He's breaking a pencil on his couch. Why are you laughing? Do you not think I'm right? No. Manchester doesn't want to be I'm really getting pissed in Manchester. He's breaking a pencil on his couch. Why are you laughing? Do you not think I'm right? No. Manchester doesn't want to be you. Liverpool's better than Manchester. You're just two cities too close to each other

and you've been winding each other up for fucking years. It's not that they want to be you or you want to be them. It's just classic. There's little town versions of it just up the road where shitholes hate the local shithole. It's got less of a soul though, Manchester. It's got less of a soul.

Even the architecture is just like boring. I agree with that. It's prettier here. And I've only been here 10 seconds. It's just less of a soul. And that's it. It's decided. The people got more soul and more like something about it.

Manchester's like, oh, where's that cool? But I think you're right. We have to divide somehow. You know, we got to have a rivalry. It gives us something to do, something to feel. You know, it's like Ireland has the Protestants and the Catholics

and you want to go, hey, neither are real. You know, it's all silly. You're the same pasty cunt. Yeah, exactly.

Your wife's ugly. You paint fences, go to work, you're drunk, you know, but we've lost so many patrons today. I love the Irish.

Don't get me wrong. Mark's happy to do that because he's just done his Irish date. My Irish dates are still coming, already. I love it. I love the Irish. Don't get me wrong. Mark's happy to do that because he's just done his Irish date. My Irish dates are still coming, mate. I disagree with everything this man said. Vicar Street was the best show

we did the whole tour if I'm being honest. Vicar Street's the best venue in the world, I think. It's possibly the best in the world. Yes. I'm not doing it.

I'm doing the Olympia this year. Oh! And it's going to be great! All right! But we did the podcast show at V. And it's going to be great. All right. But we did the podcast show at Vicar Street, and it was sick. Yeah. Please buy tickets to our Dublin shows.

Bring your ugly wives. Yes. Come on. We need those sales. Put the paintbrushes down. Yeah. And I do want to say, I went to Paris for two days on a whim,

and the Irish showed up, took over the whole city, and then won the Rugby cup in paris so that was pretty cool oh shit yeah they won a game didn't they yeah so they turned up to you like you were conor mcgregor in vegas is that what yes it was just a sea of green and red hair and and black beer all over paris nice so i was like i just left dublin and hear all these freckled fatties you know taking over the city but uh it's fun to see the cunty French waiter like, oh, and the Irish guy like, come on, mate, give me another pint. Your surname is quite French, though. Come again? Your surname is

quite French. I'm half French. Yeah, half French, half Sicilian. Yeah, that's a sick mixture. Oh, hey, thanks. That's a really, really good combination. You think so? Where in America were you raised? I'm from New Orleans. You're from New Orleans? Louisiana. French, half Italian. Yeah, that's quite curly.

Not bad. All types of immigration going on down there. Oh, yeah. A lot of fucking, a lot of inbreeding. He's half Turkish, half Welsh. What? You look like a Nazi. How did that happen? Turkish, Welsh. What? You look like a Nazi. How did that happen?

Turkish, Welsh. How about that? I've never noticed that, but you do. Hitler's wet dream. It's the hair. If he found out, it'd be Hitler's nightmare. Just reach for the top shelf. Let me just see what that looks like. Don't do it. You could be a spy for the Turkish. Don't.

If you had to, like, just be one half. Good one. That's a great game show. don't if you had to like just be one half ooh ooh good one erm that's a great game show you can't make me pick that yeah

I can and the fact you haven't gone Turkish straight away is fucking mental you either get to be Turkish or England's bumhole which one do you want I think Welsh is

not too not too far away from Scouse in terms of it's got it's own identity it's not very English I know but it's fun to shit on it's not very english it's on wales okay please turkey turkey all right turkey what would you put for the scram well i don't know

much about turkey but it's pretty right i mean for you for it's oh well sicilian i got the i got a like a drop of black blood in me so i feel like i could get a job or something um but uh no penis help i'm very medium in the penis world. I've had girls like, oh, you're Sicilian, huh? And they're like undoing my belt and they're like, ah, you must be French.

But yeah. You got a French dick. Yeah, I got a French dick. It's red, blue, and white. All the way down. But yeah, circumcised, unlike the frogs. Hey, it's nice to have another unhooded brother in the fucking...

Is that something you identify with people with? No, it's just everyone's got a fucking lid on the dick in this room. It sounds like I've been checking everyone's dick. I just, you know... I like my foreskin. I was about to say you've been rubbing it in my face. We do this all the time. I love mine.

You love it? I like me foreskin. It's like, you know, occasionally, like, you want to put a coat on. I see. But what if it's summer? Yeah, well then I can pull my coat back. Oh, okay. I have the option of a coat. Your dick's just freezing in the winter, isn't it? No, I can

wear trousers and underpants. I have the option of a coat. That's not a coat, that's a car and a car park. So you've got a coat and then a car and a car park. We you've got a coat and then a car and a car park. Do you know we make coats as a euphemism?

Yeah. I can put pants and trousers on. Doesn't really work. Yeah. Over your fucking coat. Yeah, we've got pants, trousers

and a coat on. Yeah, sounds sweaty. You're literally sat there in pants, trousers and a coat. Yeah, I am too warm as well.

But my dick, just the right temperature. There you go. What about the shmegma? You get some shwarma down there or anything? A little chicken shwarma? Yeah. I just wash it every day. Every day? Oh, I can let this thing... How often do you wash your cock? Oh, once a

month. Same. It's like a period. Yeah. Ignore Mark. He's too on. He hasn't washed his cock for 20 seconds. Me and my wife have started cycling together. It's great. We're in sync. Yeah, Ignore Mark. He's too on. He hasn't washed his cock for 27 days. Me and my wife have started cycling together. It's great.

We're in sync. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's not interested and I'm cleaning my dick. It works really well. Once a day. Woo! I could eat dinner

off this dick. Yeah. Not a big dinner, but maybe like a tapas or something. A little amuse-bouche. It is amusing. Yeah, I wash... Do you jen are you joking do you not

what you wash your cock every day it's honestly only it's genuinely clear it depends what i've been doing with it like if it's just standard use you know with podcasting and whatnot what if we're if you know if we're getting into our hobbies then maybe you know you do a little courtesy you you wank like three times an hour are you telling me you leave fucking it's a really consistent once a day there you go everyone needs a bedtime ritual here here yeah i'm doing a lot of cleaning then as well so you know last night this is i think this might be the first time it's ever happened to me so yesterday mark we did a full day of filming for some extra content and then i had a show last night just in in town and I was absolutely exhausted

and I got in bed kind of horny kind of and I started and just went oh I can't be arsed yeah I've been there

I just gave up that's an age thing because when you're you know 22 you're not giving up oh yeah you wake up to wank yes I've started

I've started not wanting one but then I make up I want it now yeah I've never stopped halfway I literally like I had up I want it now yeah I've never stopped halfway I literally like I had the video on and everything and I went

why am I even why I'll do it tomorrow I've had that yeah it felt like it felt like I was doing the dishes and then I remembered

I live on my own that's a great analogy do that tomorrow I was like no one's gonna know that my dishes are dirty and no one's gonna know I didn't need to do this. I was like, no one's going to know. That's funny. That me dishes are dirty, and no one's going to know I didn't come today. And now I'm telling a quarter of a million people.

Oh, absolutely. The exhaustion just takes over, and you're like, no one wants this. We've all been there with a jerk or a wink where you have to kick it up a notch. You know, it's not doing it for you. You know, you're two minutes in, five minutes in. You're like, you have to kick it up a notch you know it's not doing it for you you know you're you're two minutes in five minutes in you're like i gotta kick this up you gotta get a new video a harder video a crazier video and i think you didn't want to kick it up yeah you know

and i've been there yeah it just and the video was to be honest fairly sort of high echelon oh really i'll tell you the details off camera but like it wasn't just a like the name of the video was to be honest fairly sort of high echelon oh really I'll tell you the details off camera but like it wasn't just what's the name of the video what do you know the name

no Shania Twain fan it was you know there was stuff happening it wasn't just a bonk it was like there was things going on

in this video there was story to it was there too much going on maybe your ADHD kicked in and you lost focus it genuinely might have been I was like I care too much going on? Maybe your ADHD kicked in and you lost focus. It genuinely might have been. I was like, I care too much about the end of this story. Wow.

I need to watch something I've watched before, but then I couldn't be bothered finding something I've watched before. What was it, Lord of the Rings? I don't get it. How good was the story? It's a porno film. That is a gay porno, by the way. Yeah, sounds like it.

Why can't you put a film on? You're like, I'll finish this tomorrow. I'm too tired. That kind of shit everything okay okay what happened there Jack looked at the camera

pointed at the camera and then waved at Will and I was like oh there's something wrong with the camera and then I asked Jack is everything okay

and he looked at me like that's the unreasonable question he's gone keep going keep going keep talking about porn? Yeah.

Trust the production team. They're all good. I mean, Jack is in production. I do trust the production team. That's why I thought there was something wrong because he looked like there was something wrong

and I trust. It's just that Jack's so hungover because you know the way Mark went out all night in Birmingham. Jack went out all night and then stayed out

until this morning in Liverpool. Hey, hey. You look like the women in Liverpool. Hey, hey. You look like the women in Birmingham. Did you approach any of the ladies in Birmingham? No, I'm a married guy. And I don't know.

I'm like you. I'm like your dick. I was just exhausted. Even if I had an inkling, I was too wiped. I was a jerk and didn't finish. So it's been out here a month. We did Lisbon, Dublin, Antwerp, Amsterdam, Berlin, London,

Manchester, Paris, Birmingham, and then Glasgow today. And Glasgow's the last one? That's it. And then back to the States? Yeah, right back to Skankfest. I don't know if you've heard of that. Oh, sick.

You had the Lewis thing. Yeah, Lewis Gomez and the Legion of Skanks, that whole thing. And that's going to be nuts. yeah back to right back to skank fest i don't know if you've heard of that in vegas thing yeah lewis gomez and the legion of skanks that whole thing and it's it's that's gonna be nuts so yeah column tyrell put me in a group chat with lewis last week because lewis is coming over to do some stuff and he was like you guys need to sort of work on something so there you go uh skank fest i've only sort of seen bits of online. Yeah. But it does, you know, like we were talking about doing like a Have A Word festival like next year. That was like something that we've talked about.

I don't know whether we've ever mentioned that on an episode. Ooh, exclusive. We were looking at doing it in Liverpool over like a weekend with comics doing their solo shows and then a few podcast shows and a few like mixed bills. Yeah. Love it. Is that what Skankfest is yeah love it basically yeah it's pretty big people coming from la new york austin and they get some big names and they have live pods and big shows and people do their albums there they do specials there

could be fun we can get russell brand yeah come on here he's not he's not busy at the moment yeah he's available pretty open he's uh he's busy with subpoenas yeah yeah finally and some pussies but yeah um he's uh he's pushing back but we'll see it's up to the courts to decide it's not going to court is it huh not going to court, is it? Huh? Not going to court. Oh, is that? Oh, no, I do think I've heard that court is now likely. I mean, but, you know, in my opinion, he did it. Because he did it. That's pretty good reasoning. Yeah. You can't fault it.

We think he did it because he did. Yeah. I've sort of been telling everyone for the past four years that he did it because uh just watch any episode we've ever done and you'll let us talk about yeah if it ever came up you know like what would happen on an episode up until recently as someone would mention like someone who's sexually assaulted someone or something to come up and then just about 30 seconds after it we'd find a reason to mention russell brandon just so you know if you've noticed that as the years have gone on it was never a coincidence uh because because he did it um have you gigged in glasgow before uh i opened for burt kreischer there about four years ago and it was pretty rowdy i can't remember the venue but you know we just uh

drank the whole time and then we went out after and i think i got into about eight headlocks okay just guys like hey you're fucking nancy or whatever the hell i don't know what they say over there they were looking for their wife nancy and you but yeah it was it's pretty wild in a goddamn beautiful place glasgow oh yeah glasgow liverpool and newcastle if you ever get a chance to newcastle three very similar cities in terms of what the people are like but also the architecture what it looks like is very similar oh really yeah okay i love that the brick and the wet streets the cobblestone yeah tough place to live historically a great place to do stand-up because of it yeah oh right right yeah but that's that's how it goes we've spoke about that a million times like the the

rougher a city is the better the audience 100. 100%. Buffalo, New York, great crowds. Shit town. Is that just because there's nothing up there? There's nothing up there, and they're real people. They need a laugh, you know? And they're not going to get upset or offended. They're not going to come out to analyze your act. They're just like, I work in a mill, you know?

I hate my kids. Give me some zingers. Is that one? Seriously, Buffalo, one one of the places top of your list is just like philly yeah all of them but i've done hawaii tough crowds quiet crowd it's hawaii unless you're joe boy and then you're absolutely ripping it i have anxiety and they're like huh right who's that what are you talking about? I mean, Maui changed everything, but maybe now there'll be better audiences. If only they had a theater. That place is lit.

That's the yellow card on the wall. Take it. Do you know what? I really fucked up my sales for Hawaii there, didn't I? Hawaii, please do make it to the show. I'll be there in 2033. I'm dead before I play Hawaii. There you go.

Just of natural causes. By the way, highest suicide rate in America. Hawaii. You know why? Because if you're not happy there, you're like, there's nowhere to go. I genuinely believe there's something to that. Like, nice places always have, like,

high depression and suicide rates and it's because a lot of people go there because they're like that'll fix me yeah and then it doesn't yeah exactly yeah have you ever been having a bad day and someone tries to cheer you up and it doesn't work and it makes your day worse because you actually know like less happy but because what would normally cheer you up didn't. You ever been sucked off when you're miserable? Actually, no. I'm never like, this is a horrible day.

Sometimes I get halfway through and go, love, I'm just too tired. I'm just not feeling it. I don't want to take it up to the next level. Honestly, I didn't know this theory. I'm not sure you do, but I love the theory that if it's a nice place and you feel sad,

there's like, you might as well just top yourself. I was like, Sweden got high suicide rates because that's the main thing. Yeah, but it's dark all the time. Check the Maldives. If people are topping themselves in the Maldives. No one lives in the Maldives.

People go on holidays in the Maldives, don't they? There's the main island, but then the Archipelago is it? That's all tourist. So live in a shithole and keep hope on your side. There you go. If you live in a shithole, if you grow up in a shithole

surrounded by people who are having a rough time, everything's all right because you're like, oh, I'm having a bad day. My life's a piece of shit. And then you see one of your neighbours walking down the streets having a weird state of the union.

You're like, do you know what? I could be Julie. So... Yeah. Europe. I think you're what? I could be Julie. Europe. I think you're right. I'm with you. Europe, other than Russia, is Belgium is the highest one.

Belgium sucks. We just did Antwerp, but it was so, I mean, look, it's beautiful. And the people were very nice, but it was boring as shit. There was nothing to do. Yeah, they're not a real country. That's why they're topping themselves. I've said it before. Don't forget the Congo.

I think genuinely, like South Koreaa is high up lithuania and south africa huh they're rogue ones aren't they yeah but south korea is higher than north korea isn't that fascinating yeah north korea i don't think they're reporting it we have had one suicide in 15 years yeah our great leader looks after everyone. Right. He's cute, isn't he? Would you go to North Korea, Dan? I'd love to go to North Korea.

Yeah, great patron special. Let's get it booked in. Kim Jong... What are we on? Dunhill. Now we're on Oon. Oon. Kim Jong...

It's Kim Jong Oon. Did you say Kim Yong Dunhelm? Kim Yong... He did. Someone did anyway. Because that's a great name. It's a textile shop. King Jong-Dun Helm.

Yeah, I'd go. Fuck it. There's not- I don't know if I'm going to get out. I don't really- You don't get out. If you go, you go. Yeah.

Is that the rule? That sounds like the fucking- They don't let people leave. The tourist board. You can't leave. North Korea. If you come, you come. Yeah, unlike him.

You can go on trips. Yeah, you can. You just have to get a visa. No, you can't. You can't. You can't. You don't just move to North Korea and just get shot instantly and hidden in a cupboard. People have got out.

Otto Warmbier. And if you're there without their consent, you get done as a spy I literally looked into it a few weeks ago for what you can go on trips

Otto Warmbier you know who that is yeah he got in trouble though yeah he died yeah alright okay it looks like Adam's right but he may get invited

they invite celebrities as well Dennis Rodman that's not the same thing you and Dennis Rodman what a great mix Bill yes also it would do the podcast good because he's I'm snuffed the same thing. You and Dennis Rodman. What a great mixed bill. Yes.

Also, he would do the podcast good because he's... These aren't racist. They've got Dennis Rodman on. Oh, I'm doing a podcast with... You don't want to do a podcast with Dennis Rodman. I do, yeah. Full of drug-based regret and fucking piercing. Yeah, they invite celebrities. No, you can go on trips.

You! Cut! I've looked into it. I want you to go for me birthday. Why are we arguing about North Korea? It's like Chernobyl. It's like these insane tourist travel boards. Do we?

It's not like you don't just get like easy jets. It's a mad thing. Oh, really? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That makes sense. But I've looked into it and you're wrong. Adam's right. Individual tourists are not permitted to enter north korea they have to go with like a company that's what i'm saying it's a government government assigned that's what i'm saying it's a tall thing it's chernobyl's the same you can't fly to ukraine and go we're gonna go to

chernobyl you have to go with a special group yeah dodgy sir guy yeah we'll take you don't worry yeah you can't you're going to be buzzing a little bit. One eye won't work for a while. That's not my way. Welcome to Chernobyl. Don't pet the dogs. I would go. A hundred percent.

I would. It's like going to the moon, isn't it? Wow. Those travel companies are ran by the North Korean government. Oh, see? Even better. The moon never happened. Oh, no. Yes better. Yeah, yeah. The moon never happened. Oh, no.

Yes. Oh, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I don't want to get this guy a boner. Don't rev these fucking conspiracy theories up. Adam fully believes the moon landings didn't happen. You know, sarcasm is illegal in North Korea. Fun fact.

It's also illegal on a Premier League football pitch now. Did you get booked for that, yeah? You get booked for sarcasm? If you, like, clap for that. Oh get booked for that, yeah? You get booked for sarcasm? If you clap for that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You get booked. Yeah, North Korea gets shot. I've just got so excited, I dribble on the microphone.

Hey! Nice moment, innit? What would you go? Would you go and explore? I know they control it, obviously. Every comic would. You'd go and do a show in North Korea. Hell yeah!

Yeah. We'll go as a group. This is the group. Nice. We definitely go as a group. This is the group. Nice. We definitely won't get back. What an awful caveat to work with Mark Norman. Yeah, he wants you

to gig with him in North Korea. Everyone else has said fuck off. We've actually got a, we've got the ball rolling on a prison gig. What?

Yeah, we're going to try and do a gig in a prison. Oh, cool. Yeah. Would you do that? Yeah, hell yeah. Women's? Yeah. Weirdest gig in a prison. Oh, cool. Yeah. Would you do that? Yeah, hell yeah. Women's? Weirdest gig?

Weirdest sort of, rather than place, more sort of like venue. What have you got? You've been doing what, stand-up for about 20 years? 15, 20? 15, 20, yeah. And I do a lot of corporate gigs. I don't know why they keep hiring me. You know, half my act's about the Holocaust, you know?

And I'm doing a gig for a big company with HR and everything. And I have never done well. Not once. I've probably done 500 of them. They've all been horrible. Whoa. I've done the Tonight Show and stuff, and Seinfeld gave me a shout out. So I think they're like, oh, this guy's squeaky clean or whatever.

But it ain't pretty. Yeah, but those corporate gigs don't go well for anybody, really. Okay. Well, I feel better. There's a few old boys that know't go well for anybody, really. Okay. I feel better. There's a few old boys that know what to do. Oh, yeah. But I don't think they love it. But they still don't kill it.

They just don't bomb completely. Yeah, I suppose so. No one ever comes away from a corporate going, do you know what? Keep the money. I enjoy myself so much there. I did a new bit. Yeah.

It's really weird. I just did a new bit. Yeah. It's really weird. I just did a new 15. That like is normally, I think the corporate work in the UK at least is, the reason I used to do them was if I did five to eight of them a year, then my earnings as a club comic were topped up enough. Yes. That I was comfortable and okay.

Yeah. As soon as I was touring and selling tickets and making money that way they have to go way above i got asked to do a corporate last week and i asked for four times what i'd have done it for like two years ago and they were like i will get back to you they haven't got back to me yet but if they don't give me that i'm not doing it because i don't need to do it for what i would do it for in the past i do five to eight corporates a career so i've hit my i remember doing um castle main forex is an australian beer i've been doing stand-up over 20 years yeah and uh it was when i was like first two or three years in where if someone goes listen

there's money and you get to do it for talking you go anywhere yeah and castle main forex not even a good beer i'm not even sure it's still a thing but they were doing a promo thing you're like you get to leave work early we'll arrange it with your boss you get a year's supply of castle main forex beer and also a comedian to come to your house and do a gig no i got 500 quid to go to this guy's house weirdly near where i grew up i didn't live there at the time so i had to drive back to where i'm from and his mom he lived with his mom and dad he was like an 18 19 year old lad his boss dead sound let him out of work all his mates turned up after work and on friday evening they had a barbecue outside and me and i'd say the room had maybe 12 13 people

wow crammed in wow to do half an hour because they never just want 15 never they never just want 20 they want like well listen we're paying you 500 quid so do half an hour and i got away with it by basically chatting to them yeah because as soon as you go, oh, I'm going to do this stand-up bit, you're just stood in a living... It looks insane. And at one point, I was a little, like, a lull. And his mum came in and offered everyone sausages from the barbecue.

I'm sure I told her. Oh, my soul. At least you got through it, though. Because that could have been real bad. I did. So I did my time within the margin of error yeah you know when you're like listen i did 27 and a minute of that was sausages being handed out oh yeah that's a fucking gig no one's gonna yeah five like i'd i'm sure i've told this story before

but i might not have um but we'll do it anyway so any long time listeners i apologize for any repetition the weirdest gig I ever got booked for as a corporate private gig. I get a phone call from my agent and he goes, could you go to Cheltenham tonight? It was a Monday, right? And I went,

well, I've got a show in Manchester, but it's only like a couple of hundred quid. He goes, yeah, try and cancel that because this one's five grand on a Monday night in Cheltenham, which is about a three-hour drive. Okay. Damn.

So I go, cool, yeah. And he rings back, he goes, yeah, that's confirmed. It's a load of lads who are going on a shoot tomorrow. They're going pheasant hunting. And tonight, there's 30 of them and they're going to have a dinner tonight and you're going to do a set. They want a scouser to practice their aim.

I went, Christianian have you used this company before who's booking me and he goes no this is the first job i went does this sound a bit mental to you like a prank and he goes yeah i suppose i understand what you're saying i'm going get them to pay up front and i'll go and he rings back and he goes they've sent me half of it so they've put 50 percent in and i went okay all right okay I get there I pull up and it's this huge mansion townhouse and a guy comes out

he's in a suit like really well dressed but beard he looks a bit like he's obviously not one of the guys and he goes yeah I'm from the agency

we booked you yeah come in they're just finishing their dinner now and then they're gonna go into the lounge and that's where you're gonna do

the set and I went right and there's 30 of them and he goes oh no no no there's 30 of them tomorrow these are the six guys who arranged it there's six of them i went what he goes yeah there's just six of them and he said i'll show you now the room you're going to do it and so there's three sofas like a smaller than the one you're on two seats on each uh- And there's one here, one here, one there. And they're all round the fireplace, which is on.

And he goes, you're going to stand in front of the fireplace and do your set. He goes, the butler's going to introduce you. So the butler goes in and goes, gentlemen, I require your undivided attention for comedian Adam Rowe. And I walk onto the sound of my own footsteps, and I'm stood on this fireplace, and I just start,

I had a joke about the meat jacket that I used to open every set with. I've got a blazer on, so I'm doing that joke about the blazer. And one of the guys goes, oh, what shop's the jacket from? Where did you get it? And I go, oh, that's what the joke's about, actually, mate. It's from Primark. And he goes, oh, okay, carry on. He goes, it's just that he owns Topman

and looks at the other guy next to him. And I was like, all right, cool. Anyway, this is from Primark. And I go into that one and I go to do something else. And one of the other guys asks another question and they just keep doing it. So in the end, I just go, right, I've got to do 25 minutes for this money.

I don't care how I get through that 25 minutes. I'll just answer the questions. And that eats up time too. A hundred percent. So I just keep answering every question they ask and they don't stop at any point. About 15 minutes in, I didn't, don't do the full time.

The butler comes in a different door and goes, gentlemen, that concludes, I'm in the middle of a setup. Gentlemen, that concludes this evening's comedy. We now have a musician who's going to perform in the smoking room and please follow me through there where'd you get your cello question they all stand up and come over and shake my hand and they go oh well done well done lad well done wow and i go well done i don't feel like i've done any jokes to be honest mate and one of them palms me a 50 pound note on top of the fee i'm getting and he goes we do this every year and every year we get a comedian and just try and ask them

questions until they snap and leave ah yes mate you broke them great he goes it's just sport for us uh he goes you're only the third person who's ever made it the full thing we've been doing this 20 years wow john bishop walked off after 10 minutes and we never paid him. Wow. You're the pheasant. Yeah. They were hunting you. What are they going to do to the musician?

We get a musician every year. We shit in the trumpet. Now it's R. Kelly. On air, the weird gigs thing, this isn't my story, but this is so funny. So in Newcastle, there's a comedian from up there called Jason Cook, and he's a real local legend up there because he's ran shows for years,

and he also wrote and starred in a sitcom about the area. And the lead in the sitcom is a very famous comedian from Newcastle called Chris Ramsey. So as they're shooting this series two of uh heaven the name of the sitcom the production get a phone call one day and it's from someone saying we want chris ramsey to come and turn the christmas lights on yeah and this is the fee and it was really nominal it was like 500 quid right so they're like look chris is not going to do that for that money so it's not going to happen so they ring back and they go can we have Jason Cook, who's the guy who wrote it,

can we have Jason come and do it? If Chris can't do it, how about Jason? Jason's like, I'm not turning the Christmas lights on for 500 quid. There's a guy in the sitcom as a bit part

and he's a comic who's been going for a very long time called Stefan Peddy and Stefan overhears it and he goes, I'll go and do it. Fuck it, I'll do it. So Stefan takes it for a few hundred

quid thinking he's turning on the christmas lights in newcastle it was just someone who was a fan of the show and wanted someone to reach behind their tv and turn their christmas tree on so stefan had to go to someone's house and turn on someone's christmas lights on his tree they were they were loaded. It's not just like someone from the council house. Oh, my God. 500 quid, I'd do that. So funny.

It's just so funny. He had to literally reach behind the TV and do it. Wow. I mean, I've got one, but I've told this before, but I'll make it quick. Did a gig at the Comedy Cellar. This guy in a suit comes up to me, goes, I own a hedge fund company

will you come roast my whole staff i saw your act it's edgy it's fun i go sure he goes it'll be five grand i go holy shit i'm like three years into comedy this is the best money i've ever made so he goes here's the address it's a country club upstate new york so i take the train and he gave me notes like this is what's going on with this guy. This was up to this guy. This guy's got this. This guy's got that. So I got all this ammo. I got some great stuff. All stuff he gave me. I wrote a ton of roast jokes.

We go up there. It's Lamborghinis. It's Ferraris. I mean, this is high-end shit. It's on a golf course. Get to this club. White tablecloths. Butlers with the white suit. The whole thing. The guy goes up. OK, we got some entertainment, you know, and everybody sits down. Everybody's wives, wives are there.

Kids are there. It's a big deal. And he goes, we're going to have a comic from New York City roast everybody. So I go in and I grab the mic, you know, feedback. And I go, hey. And he said, be vicious. Be as vicious as possible so i was like oh this is gonna be a fish in a barrel so i go hey bob we all know you're gay and his wife's there she's like i knew it you know and the kids are crying and i'm like oh that went weird all right all

right so i look back at my notes that he gave me and i I'm like, all right, well, how about you, Jeff? Everybody knows you're doing blow. You say you're sober. We know you're addicted to blow. And he's like, oh, shut up. What are you doing? My sponsor, whatever. So he flips out.

He runs away. And then I'm like, hey, Chris, everybody knows you're cheating on your wife. And she's like, ah. So the whole thing is just mayhem. People are leaving. People are fighting. They're screaming.

Kids are crying. The ladies are pissed. And I just keep going, and it's just more and more shit. No one's laughing. And eventually I go into my act, which that doesn't work. There's like a riot going on in this dinner hall. And I was like, so cereal's weird. You know?

And just eating shit. And then the guy eventually, I've been up there like eight minutes. And the guy pushed me off. And he was like, all right, that's enough of the show. And then he barely, he didn't want to pay me. But I got paid and I got out of there. Fuck me. Yeah.

But they always say be vicious. They always say go for it. And they never mean it. Yeah. My favorite thing is whenever I do a corporate, I always go, is there any language that's not okay? And they're like, no, you can say whatever you want. Every time. And I go, so I can say cunt. And they go, oh, no're like, no, you can say whatever you want. And I go, so I can

say cunt. And they go, oh, no, no, no, you can't say cunt. Exactly. Right, so there is words. So can I have a list of the ones I'm not allowed to say? Because otherwise, I will say them. Because you've told me I can't say anything. Just a noise, innit? Yeah, but the guy there's someone in charge of these things and they're like,

we love a bit of comedy. And you're like, yeah, but you don't speak for the 350 boring cunts in this room. Exactly. That's why I won't do a wedding. People keep asking me, oh, will you come and do our wedding? I'm like, no, because you and your wife might be a fan. That's it. But your grandmother isn't.

Yeah, I did a wedding in Long Island, and the wife surprised the husband at his wedding, at their wedding, with me. And none of the other people at the wedding knew who I was. So they're just sitting there, and the husband's like whoa this guy and i'm bombing for everyone else so there's just one groom going and so i'm like oh you know what's up with uh if aids you know and and it's it's i'm ruining this whole wedding i'm like marriage is stupid you know it was it was bad i also did the vmas i hosted for the or warmed up for the vmas and bombed in front of 5 000 people ariana grande's walking by and oh that was brutal oh that's tough though because it's music in it yeah and then you're like what am i doing who's the most famous

person you performed in front of uh Madonna. Wow. Probably, yeah. I opened for Amy Schumer at Madison Square Garden, and Madonna had a wild hair up her ass and said, I want to do comedy. So she came and went on after me and did five minutes and sucked, which was fun to watch because you're like, whoa, there's Madonna. I did better than her. Obviously, she's a very talented woman, but comedy.

But five minutes needs tightening up. Yeah, yeah, it was bad. Wow. Just before we go into a break, I wasn't going to tell this story. Yeah, break it out, baby. I think I've got to. I don't think we've told this one before. Stefan Peddi, the guy who turned the Christmas lights on.

I was thinking you're going to tell this story so Stefan who I love really good mate of mine is a really big guy like really huge he's big bone

heavy structure I had him I had him booked once to come and do a show for me at the university in Liverpool

and he called me on the day and was like mate I'm not going to fucking make it I'm not going to make it to the show. He's African. And I was like, why, what's up?

And he goes, I fucking, I put my car in for its MOT and it hasn't passed. So they've given me a courtesy car and I don't fit in it. I can't get the car on. I can't get the car on. Is it big for the car?

This car didn't fit. I've got this Corson in a 38. How big are we talking here? Oh, he's a big guy. He didn't fit in a car. Yeah. Was it a Mini Cooper? Or was it a regular car?

It was a Monster Truck. That is lovely, by the way. You're enjoying this this aren't you he's great break time how many sections four or four four or four

thanks for coming in Mark we've got some questions from our listeners our wonderful producer Finn he's prepared them he's sifted through them he's picked out the best of the best and if they are shit

and they don't work as a good content it's his fault hey Finn if you get tired during reading out the prep you should try Sneak should I?

what flavours? great loads what flavours are? don't specific yeah this is this one it's like a fruity one they're all fruity

it's blueberry bumrape this one it's blueberry bum rape. It's a special edition. The Russell brand. Okay. We're going to start off with some... Future Carl, did you mute that?

I started regretting that as I was still saying his name. Nice. We're going to start off with some simple pleasures. Alright, Goebbels Bring it on Hit me baby

Go to Auschwitz I'll take it There's worse things, isn't there? No, not really King Cole, one of the highest ranking Nazis. There is many worse things. There is one worse thing. One latter.

He's second to the worst thing ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, hop back on that train. Fair. All right. All right. Now, all right. Right, this is pretty straightforward, Mark.

Whether you think this is a simple pleasure or whether you think this person who's written in is a simpleton, that's all we're doing okay wait i don't know if i get it people write in and they say my little simple pleasure in life is this but sometimes mark some of our listeners they're fucking stupid so they write in really stupid suggestions and then we shit all over their suggestions okay it's a's a high wire act. So the first one is from Paddy. He said, simple pleasure,

having the house to yourself. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's nice. That's nice. Especially as a married guy, or you have roommates. Oh,

it's Chris Rock would say, you get one of that, you get one of those, ain't no one at home jerks. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Move it around.

Move it around. I live alone, so I obviously don't really get that right now, but I understand I will one day. And I'll tell you how I know. I've just been on holiday for a week with my wonderful girlfriend. And, you know, fantastic having her there. But there was a few times every day

where she would just fuck off for a sunbathe and leave me alone. Yes. Wow. I don't think that's the best. I'm just going to go over there. Go on. I'm going to go for a sunbathe and a wreath.

I'm going to stay right where we are right now then. If you're going over there and there's no guilt about it. No. At home, sitting on your phone,

you're like, oh, I'm doing that on a lody, on your own. Wow. I want to see you again in 15 minutes. We went to Tenerife.

We went on a week's holiday. I did this all week and you all bitched and moaned at me. You did it all week? Seven fucking wives. Where are you? We're at the pool. I was having such a good time. Thank you.

We went on a, the full company that are here, we all went on a holiday together. Oh, wow. And the entire week, we didn't see him in the daytime. What happened? He went to beach on his own every day for the whole day. the entire week we didn't see him in the daytime what happened he went to beach on his own every day

for the whole day not even not even that's not what we're talking about it was great you went on your own holiday

yeah I made friends with a local it was a Thai woman who wants to rub your feet yeah same thing nah they all rub into her

the hour you love the person you love the people but the one hour just sitting there doing whatever you want to do i totally agree very nice six hours but yes we're on the same page right next one from max verlander when you go into a public toilet and they have max verlander oh nice uh when you go into a public toilet and they have paper towels to dry your hands instead of shaggy hand dryers. Don't dry your hands. Wrong call, I thought.

Love it. They did, yeah. Hey, do you know what I really like? The option of both. Hand dryer and paper towels. What's the goal? Is it both? I really show it off.

You know, you're in a really good hotel when it's not a hand towel, like a paper towel. It's an actual towel. And they have a bucket on the floor for you to wipe your hands and you throw it in the bucket and they get washed.

That's a pheasant shooting gig right there. That's high-end shit over there. But what about you guys in the UK? You got that weird... Roller one. I hate the rollie. I'm just seeing all the jizz and blood. We don't like that either.

I hate the rollie. The jizz and blood. Well, I'm just like, I see everything that's been rubbed off I'm like give me my own towel I don't want this reoccurring

it sort of goes back in oh I know what you mean the cloth one yes yes and it just hangs down and goes back in I'm like wait am I just regurgitating

the same towel that's bullshit that's a trap that's for tourists to get oh it got me that's how we get your DNA yeah I creeped all over

that thing but I hateed all over that thing, but I hate that. Really good, that one. Good one. The little things. Oh my God, I haven't thought about that fucking thing. They're out there. The never-ending tea towel that just disappears.

Don't worry. Right, the next one's from Steph. She says, buying something you always wanted as a kid, but never got. For example, I just bought a Nintendo Wii as a 29-year-old single woman.

Oh, marry this woman. I love love this lady she's a keeper she's playing tennis with herself you did this yesterday what oh yeah yesterday oh yeah yeah yeah you bought a wii no i bought a little uh little warhammer space model when i was about 12 13 uh apart from all the pussy i was getting i was uh playing war hammer and it was like a um a role play game and you had all figures and i stopped playing it when i found my first pubic hair and uh yesterday we walked past the shop and um now things are going all right yeah and i wandered in you know under the guise of playing a you know messing around and came out with a 25 pound figurine. Good for you.

It looks great. It's going in the garden office with all the other shit my wife doesn't want in the house. Is there anything that's on any of your lists of things you wanted as a kid? A baby belt. I mean, I know this is a really extravagant version of it, but the car I've got, I've got a Range Rover. I always wanted a Range Rover. Good for you. Yeah.

This one's tough for me because I can't really buy a dad. You relate, Cal? Same. Yeah, that a baby. Okay, last one. I was going to say I can't buy a half Chinese sister, but I reckon if I looked into it enough, I probably could. Oh, you can get there.

Costco? Maybe you get a Chinese dad at the same time. It'll be a little two for one. There you go. Mind it. Beltas Gran. Do you make good food? Did you get that, Mark?

Beltas Gran? No. Really good food. Oh, okay. Yeah, there you go. Just translated. Right, Declan McGarrity says, simple pleasure, maybe a bit sick,

but I love seeing people run for the bus and miss it. Yeah. Anyone try and achieve anything and fail. Just slightly. Phenomenal. That's very British. You guys are cynical cunts out here. Sharp and flowed is the best.

Watching someone Overtake you And get stopped at a light And you pull up next to them Like Oh man No I don't I don't love that

I feel bad for the bus Person No No you're a good person No you do not I well I rode the bus for years Same

So did we But it could be like A lady going to work Like a cleaning lady And she's like Ah I need the money That's my job I'm gonna be late, I might get fired. If she needed it, she'd have been early. Alright, alright, maybe she's got eight kids at home.

Holy shit, I'm such a fucking sorry then. If poor people want money, they'll turn up earlier. And then I'll shoot pheasants. Watching someone get that close to like ah the tube in London is a good one for that

yeah because it's not that big and inconvenient it's four seconds that's true okay that's better when they sprint

yeah when they sprint down the stairs like excuse me excuse me excuse me and it goes and like you're like

again when they sprint past you and you get on the same train you're like you're like what yeah you ever have the thing where you barely catch it, the doors are closing, you run on, and you feel like a king,

and everybody's like, yeah, who cares? You want a little applause. That's really funny as well, when you sprint onto a tube. And then the doors. And they stay open for about a minute. Oh, yes, yes. You could have got that one. You could have crawled and got the one you got on.

Yeah, yeah. Right, we're going to do the opposite now. So we're going to do pet peeves. That doesn't have to be my idea. Oh, I love it. Right, this one is from Killian. When you're in the shower that's connected to the rest of the house and someone flushes the toilet or turns on the sink,

making your shower freezing cold. to the rest of the house and someone flushes the toilet or turns on the sink making your shower freezing cold. See, a simple pleasure for me is knowing that you're in someone's house

who does that and when they're in the shower going and flushing the toilet. Yeah. Yeah, and then you hear just like a faint, ah! Yeah.

Ours doesn't lose heat. It just sort of goes pathetic. Ours goes weaker. Yeah. It's not fully, it's not like it doesn't hurt you or it's just irritating.

Flossing. I'll give, yeah. I'll be in the shower and go, I shall turn the taps off because it's just dribbling on my head

and then she'll turn it off and it goes. Yeah, yeah. I had Thomas Green, another comma, stayed in my flat with me a couple of months ago and there's two showers.

There's one in the en-suite room and one in the master bathroom humblebrag and I went right we'll get ready and then we'll go out for breakfast and I come out

and he was just still sat on the couch and I was like why aren't you getting ready he was like I thought I couldn't use that shower so you were done

with that one I was like what would be the point of having two showers if you can only use one of them at a time a very solid point and he goes

I just thought they'd be connected because like you know normally whatever building you're in if someone's using the water you can't use the water i was like thomas this is a 14 floor apartment block like do you think if someone's having a shit on the sixth floor i can't have a shower wait in two weeks to have a fucking shower right this one's from morgan smith pet peeve for you when you're at a concert or a music gig and everyone in front of you has their phone out to record the whole thing rather than actually watching it yeah that's a classic i don't know who it's for right i i get this at the match as well the match it's even worse for me when i go to a football game right

when like people record every corner or penalties or whatever, I understand someone at a concert taking, you know, a 20 second video to put on their Instagram to be like, I went here tonight. Right. But when people are recording extended parts of it, they're never going to sit and watch it again. Cause why wouldn't they just put that song on?

Yeah. And at the match, when someone's like recording a penalty, I'm like, you do know Sky Sports have got you covered here yeah like they're recording it from a much better camera angle yes on a much better camera you will still get to say to people i seen that penalty i don't know who's it i don't know who or what it's for i think there should be a limit a gig of how much you can record but you're allowed You're allowed to do a chorus of two songs. One of my mates went to a festival

and did a 45 second like, oh, we're here, band's on, and you can't really hear, and like, it's not a great angle. And then reposted like for virtually every act. Their Instagram for like two days was just like the whole fucking running. Oh, you got to break up with that guy.

Mark, have you done many of the shows? Because we went to see Chappelle and Rock when they did a double headline in Liverpool. Wow. And they had the pouches for the phone. Yes. Have you performed at any of those shows? And are they better? The comedy seller only does the pouches.

And it's so freeing. Because even when you slip up or say something super crazy, you know when a dark bit is new? Yeah. When a dark bit is new, it's ugly. Yeah. So it just sounds like you're being racist or sexist or whatever. So you just have that moment of like,

ah, nobody could ever even, they have to tell somebody and I won't get in trouble. There's no proof. Yeah. So it's very comforting. Yeah. There's a concept, isn. So it's very comforting. Yeah. There's a concept, isn't there, where they're going to start geotagging the area of a gig

and your phone will only let you use like 10 minutes of your camera while you're there. It's like a future thing on phones. That's incredible. Yeah. Wow. So I go up the top, like you've used your video, you've used your camera for eight minutes,

you've got two minutes left. Oh. And you're going to stop people in that area. All for that. Yeah, that's superb. I went to the arsenal game and it was amazing i gotta say never been to a football game and i felt weird point no one there are all these diehard psycho guys who are just drunk and angry and i pulled my phone

out for like eight seconds and i saw a bunch of weird glances and i put that shit away quick was this the arsenal tottenham game? Dutch? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was last week. PSV, yeah. 4-1. I mean, 4-0. It was an incredible win. Yeah, Arsenal are really good.

You could sit in a different stand and that would be okay, though. Okay, it was front third row. Yeah, if you're sat with the locals, they're like, fuck off. You can sit in a touristy bit and you'd be okay with that. Yeah, I got some stink eyes.

Yeah. So I tucked that in. I'm already the outsider, you know. The only time I take a photo at a Liverpool game is like if I'm in the ground way early. Oh, yeah. So like if I'm in long before everyone else, I'll take a photo of like from where I'm sat

before the players are anywhere near the pitch. The second the players are out, my phone does not leave me. It feels weird. Yeah, I hate it. The only video you've taken at the football is of the guy playing Candy Crush.

Yeah. What? Who's playing Candy Crush? It wasn't Candy Crush. It was like a racing game, like a really high-end racing game. Autistic.

Must have been. Mate, he must have, the whole game. Wow. So, and like I really struggled to get a ticket

for that game so it means he's paid through the nose for the ticket and he was sat one row in front of me playing

wow a racing game and I'm watching the match and I just clocked it and I was like that's mental oh yeah and then I thought

that's weird but maybe in like two minutes maybe he's got to like tick off something maybe he plays this every day yeah and it's like a two minute thing

like an hour later he was still doing it so I just recorded it and put it on Twitter and I was like what a fucking the only way that could be crazier if he was playing FIFA

you know right we're going to have a confession to round us out ooh baby so we got people writing in they tell us something they've done wrong

and we decide whether they should be forgiven or we give them some penance. Like the Lord. Got it. So, confession. I think this is one of the best ones

we've ever had. Oh, baby. Oh, Finn. A lot of pressure on you here, kid. Hello, lids. I can't stress how much this needs to be anonymous. Basically,

for the last three years, I've been having an on and off affair with a woman I used to work with. We've been on business trips away with each other, and it's basically led to a second life. My wife has never found out or even had a real inkling, and the affair has been passionate and steamy to the point where I've recently been thinking

of leaving my wife. The past week, the woman I was having an affair with has died. Oh, sorry. Is this true or is this hassan manaj i'm completely beside myself they don't know the story but i do and i really love that carry on i'm completely beside myself but i can't tell anyone i can't even go to the funeral as her family never knew what do i do uh this is a fucking shit show wow well before yeah before we get into it you can't go to the funeral you did know her what you used to work on it i'll wait

yeah but on your own it looks a bit no it doesn't know if you he can go to the funeral yeah i wouldn't cry yeah like go but don't cry i don't go i wouldn. I wouldn't masturbate. No, it's not what they're watching. Imagine being that sad and not being able to tell your wife. Wait, who died? His, his, his mistress. Yeah. Oh, wow. That worked out.

He got out of it. He was thinking of leaving his wife. He was going to leave his wife for this woman. She's died and he can't tell anyone that he's grieving. He's grieving someone he's really close to. He got off easy. He should be glad she died. I mean, cause he's now he doesn't have anyone that he's grieving. He's grieving someone he's really close to. Oh, this guy, he got off easy. He should be glad she died. I mean, because now he doesn't have to worry about it.

He's done. Yeah. He's never going to get caught because she's dead. Until he, I mean, told us. But I think this is the best thing ever. I mean, sure, he's sad, but what's worse? Getting caught or the dead wife or the dead girlfriend? What an amazing lie

that is like you're really upset because she's died and you have to make up a person to be sad about yeah so and so's died who uh

Betty White Dave yeah from the factory you don't know him he's not at any of the events they paid a tits on Dave yeah

so he would have rather the wife die sounds like yeah than the girlfriend yeah that would have actually been wife die sounds like yeah then the girlfriend yeah that would actually be more idea yeah that's the easy get out because i've moved on i see the leader in the clubhouse died damn yeah it's just gonna cause a bit more debate should we do another one then yeah sorry right hey by the way he needs penance he's been cheating on his wife so

the penance is she's dead that is yeah yeah that's Yeah, that's karma, baby. He's living as penance, isn't he? No, he's got to go to the funeral. He's got to go to the funeral. Dressed as? And he's... As the Grim Reaper. No, he's got to go to the funeral. And at some point during the service,

he's got to loudly make a joke. Oh, like, that's what she said? Yeah. When the priest says something? Okay, right. Hey, lads, make a joke. Oh, like, that's what she said? Yeah. When the priest says something? Okay, right. Hey, lads, got a confession. I was once accidentally racist on a flight. Basically, I was traveling to Germany

for a work trip with some colleagues. The tickets were booked by the company I worked for. I got on the plane first out of my co-workers and sat in my seat, the middle seat. The other co-workers sat in the row behind me with the middle seat empty. I thought I was in the wrong seat i saw an asian couple come down the plane together the woman sits next to me and the man sits in the seat behind i asked the woman next to me if she'd want me to swap with her partner but they didn't know each other do i deserve

penance oh he was trying to be nice though i. I give that a pass. I think you're absolutely fine there. I think that's completely... You're okay. Yeah. Like, you didn't mean it. You know what I mean? There's no hatred involved. You were trying to be nice.

My accidental racism is the best. Well, it's yours. Not the best, but... Tell Mark your accidental racism. You tell it better than me. Go on. So, Carl, before he worked with us here, was the manager of a comedy club.

Ah. The best in the world. And his job as manager was occasionally to seat the audience as they come in. So two people arrived late, and they're like, we're really sorry we're late. And he's like, well, look, the show has started, but I'll be able to get you in the room.

Very dark room. Just there. You know a comedy club. Oh, I've just remembered this story. So he goes, like, just come with me. And he goes,

like, just take those two seats over there by the wall. And the person he's trying to see goes, there's no seats over there. And he goes, there is,

right there. There's nobody sat there. And he was pointing at two black people sat in the corner. Well, you know, if they weren't smiling,

you know, you don't get the teeth. That's the comedian's fault, not mine. What's the comedian's fault? Good point. He was doing his job. Yeah. Also, they were probably wearing black.

Yeah, and this is like, it's not a very well-lit room at all. It's a comedy club. Sure. Pitch black. I get it. That's not so bad. It's a comedy club. Sure. Pitch black. I get it. That's not so bad. That's worse than the plane one. So it's the plane guy off the hook.

Completely off the hook. He tried to do something nice. Racism is only a problem if there's hatred behind it. Yeah. Generally speaking. I agree. Michael Che has a whole bit about him taking a photo with two white people and they wouldn't put the flash on because they're like we don't want to be racist

and he's like you have to put the flash on I won't be in the picture if you don't put the flash on so it's a great bit but it's the same thing yeah it was dark there's no intentions there yeah ladies and gentlemen that rounds us out this week's episode thank you so much for listening as always I am on tour at the minute adamrodeco.uk

he's on tour at the minute dannightingale.com Mark Norman thank you so much for coming in mate tell people where they can find you online is it I am on tour at the minute. Adam, no, the code at UK. He's on tour at the minute. Dan night and gail.com. Mark Norman. Thank you so much for coming in, mate. Uh, tell people where they can find you online. Is it just at Mark Norman?

Um, at Mark norm, Mark Norman, comedy.com podcast, Instagram tour, the whole thing. Is it the, you do two podcasts still? Is it,

we might be drunk and Tuesdays with stories. Hey, nailed it. You know more about me than my father so I appreciate it and yeah thanks for having me this was a blast

thanks so much cheers mate Mark's a great comic if you haven't checked out his specials check out his specials as well and we'll see you all next week

out of watch we've got a bit of music we have got a tune this week just for the audio it's from Anthony Russell Taito Taito oh nice so this is his

new single called may i say nice god see you we were close for a short while We connected at first sight Was it meant to happen? We was out with friends that very night And everything was blackout Don't you know we both stayed out Done some things no one knows about I just hope that you're still around

If it's okay, may I say I wanna see you again sometime Cause I know that you know it was so right If it's okay, may I say Making love after hours every night I need a girl like you in my life Funny feelings as I daydream If you only knew what I mean.

If you could only see what I see. I want to make my dream reality. Thoughts of you have got me so high. Know what the girl has got your style. Girl, you shine I wanna see you again sometime If it's okay, may I say I wanna see you again sometime

Cause I know that you know it felt so right If it's okay, may I say We're making love after hours every night I need a girl like you in my life May I say I need a girl like you in my life If it's okay May I say Make my say Make my say

Make my say you