Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #245 - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 8, 2023

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Have A Word, the podcast, the greatest podcast on the planet, pound for pound, that is official, okay? First of all, before we start with our usual spiel, do us a favour, if you're watching this on YouTube, hit that subscribe button and hit that bell. We're closing in slowly on the 100k that gets a nice plaque, so do that for us, okay? okay now listen not only are we just the best group of lads on planet earth me and this fella we're comedians stand-up comedians and we're on two separate tours at the minute i'm doing my tour dan's doing his tour dan's going all over the uk as am i tickets for dan at dan nightingale.com loads of shows already sold out tickets for me adam rowe.co.uk come and see both of us separately two of the best hours of stand-up you'll see this year and i don't mind bragging about it i'm on fire at the minute mate i'm burning gaffs to the ground and so is he as he's been doing for 20 years and you'll know that if you've been a fan

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Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool Wag Wag Leeds, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed, get on me. Um, I've got beef with Pret-a-Manger member you're a member it's not even beef it's just there was a fucking helmet who worked in london yesterday and you know when

someone like uh like a var official or something you know when someone makes a mistake and then the mistake is pointed out to them but they double down and they're like no it's probably the first mistake they've ever made as well. What do you mean? Pret, there's never been previous mistakes. Yeah, yeah, I see what you did there. Fuck you. I'm a member of Pret, right?

Because I travel around a lot for work, Dan, as I'm sure you're aware. Oh, yeah, yeah. You're a similar man yourself, but you're not a coffee man. You're more of a sneak man, aren't you? Yes. Right?

Sneak. I love my coffee and press is me favourite of the chains so it's 30 quid a month you get 5 free coffees a day

and then you get 20% off the rest of the menu at all times questions yeah all of it it's like

I went to the prep before to get me and Will a coffee on the way in and he went £7.20, please, mate. And then I scanned my thing and he went right to only £2.40.

Wow. For two coffees. Wow. It is worth it. It's really worth it. Especially when prep's all over the place. I went into a prep in London yesterday because I was having a bit of an IBS episode. I needed a...

Poo. Poo. Oh, thanks. So I went in and I went um can i just use the toilet please mate and he goes toilets are for customers only and i went oh i've got the app and he goes yeah but you'd have another coffee and i was like but i'm a i pay you 30 quid a month and he's like doesn't matter if you're not ordering a coffee right now you're not a customer of this store so i had to order a coffee that i didn't want that's free so that i could have a poo

and how did that play out well it was free so it's i get five free coffees a day so he made me order a coffee and make me it so he's wasted a coffee what's his so when you were like cool i love a coffee and then he was like right that's free and then you were like, cool, I'll have a coffee. And then he was like, right, that's free. And then you were like, no, I want a shit. He was like, yeah, cool. Yeah. So he just refused to admit that his policy had a hole in it. So he was like, no, you've got to have a coffee now. And I was like, all right then.

I'll have a Americano with milk. And he went, right, scan your thing. And then he went, right, I'll be there in a minute. I'm just going to go and use the soda. And he went, yeah, yeah. Oh, man. That's so Tory. That stinks.

It's so stupid. I'm a member. Like, in any other situation, I would have wanted a coffee, but I'd already had two strong ones, and it was only like quarter past 10 in the morning. So I was like... And you were having an IBS incident.

Yeah. Oh, I wonder what brought that on. The funny thing is, if I buy coffee, I need a poo, so that would work for me. If I was a customer'd need access it is a vicious circle i think that does affect my stomach but i i need it to get through the day i'm an addict you might never leave that prayer you go in for a poo that makes you have a coffee you have a shit and then all of a sudden you need another poo but you need a coffee you're never out of there also can someone when adam

started with i've got beef with preta monge make that into a greece song please i've got beef with preta monge well noticed that i fit that rhythm oh i'm very good at that did you see the sean de paul one yeah fucking incredible whoever runs genuinely don't know runs no context have a word do we none? None of us. And I'm losing control of my bowels. I need a shit now. Give me a free coffee. Nice. You better shake up, do, do, do,

because I need a poo. And my arse is set on you. And my arse is set on you. You better shake up, do, do, do, you better understand. Now it's just a Greek song, isn't it? It's a fucking rammer though I hate musicals

That's heavy You don't hate musicals You've never seen any I hate the ones you talk about Because you've never seen them Go and see Hamilton on the 4th of December though I've seen Grease Is it better than Grease

It makes Grease look like a fucking It makes Grease look like a high school musical Because it is a high school musical Do you know Grease It's the original high school musical So the theory about Grease is that Sandy's dead. Yeah.

And at the end, when they fly off, she's finally going to heaven because she's got the man. Yeah. What? She's a ghost? Yeah.

No, not that she's a ghost. She's in purgatory. Yeah, purgatory. Basically, spoilers. Like, it's like a pre-care. She's spoilers for Grease? Oh, I've wasted 35 bloody years to say that. No, no, no. You didn't let me finish. She's spoilers for Grease. Oh, I've wasted 35 bloody years to say that.

No, no, no. You didn't let me finish. It's like Lost. Yeah, yeah. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she drowns on the beach with Danny Zuko

on her summer holidays. Yeah. And then she wants him and when she gets him she can go to heaven and he fly off in a car. Why does a flying car at the end of Grease?

There's no other magic. She's dressed like she's going to hell though at the end. She's fifth though. Yeah, that's a She's Grease 2. Grease there's no other magic she's dressed like she's going to hell though at the end she's fifth though yeah that's a Grease 2 totally different cast it's in hell

oh my god have you seen it Michelle Pfeiffer's in hell is it Michelle Pfeiffer it is isn't it reproduction and then Newton John's dead now isn't she

yeah rest in peace well she is now and she was in the film yeah well there you go ah you've tied it together now she's actually dead

what the car when they actually soup it up yeah that's a special coolest fuck car yeah

they're so rapey though the thunder cunts what is it what are they called no the car oh the go fast is it the grease light

it's called grease light the car has been a big hit I haven't seen it for ages the go fast the little bit rapey go fast they are probably need to work on It's called Grease Lightning. I haven't seen it for ages. The Go Fast. The little bit rapey Go Fast. They are rapey. Probably need some work on. Yeah.

They're rapey as fuck. Well, it's set in the 50s. Yeah. When they were rapey. Also, I think one of the actors is in his 50s. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the tubby one? No, the one who's got the pock marks.

The one who's had acne and had it scarred him for 25 years. It's meant to be 16. Yeah, let me get this up on the screen. This is worse. Turn the TV on. The TV's not on. It'll turn on, I think. Oh, there we go.

They were all at least 30. This man is 17 years old in this film. It's not big enough. It's like, do you know what I mean? You make it big. Give it a zooming. You make it big. No, no, no, Finn. I mean? It make you big. Give it a zooming. It make you big. No, no, no, Finn.

What? I can't see it. Oh, there we go. Yeah, it's working now. Look at that, mate. Look at that airline. He's meant to be 17. 17 years old.

He looks like his son runs a pizzeria. Show us the pockmark, man. What? End him with a lie. Go on, Greasecast. Sean Paul again? Is it here? Is it any of them? I think it's Jeff. what go on grease cast Sean Paul again is it here is it any of them

I think it's Jeff Jeff Kenickie no I don't even think it's him put grease light and pock marks

make sure you spell pock right Adam's really focusing on people's complexions I think so yeah Karl Marx him like second from yeah oh the bad guy Adam's really focusing on people's complexions. I think so, yeah. Karl Marx. Him?

Like, second from... Yeah. Oh, the bad guy. Yeah, he's meant to be a child. He looks like the crocodile in Suicide Squad. Doesn't he? Crocodile man, what's his name? Do you know what he actually looks like? He looks like...

You know in The Dark Knight? Do you know when the Joker shoots Commissioner Gordon? Or whoever it is, and he's got no makeup on? Yeah. That's what he looks like. Oh, yeah? Yeah. But he's got a regular face?

Sort of, yeah. Yeah. What a fucking musical, though, mate. He's meant to be 17. He's had those scars for 17 years. Wow. And they're not birthmarks, if you know what I mean.

I know what you mean, yeah. Dan? Over to you, Dan. I thought Grease 2 was better than Grease. I've never seen Grease 2. And that's not possible, is it? And Dan's just saying, that's a bit controversial.

It's like being on a football podcast, this. Yeah. My sister made me watch all of them probably every saturday for i'd say about nine years just through my i remember saturday morning 25 i already had a house your puff marks your sister's like come round come on saturday night come and see me some nephews it's greece night again when was it released? 1970, isn't it? Oh God, what's wrong with 35 years and 50 odd years?

Central Baltimore has got like a weird religion, hasn't he? 1978. Came out. Soundtrack, absolutely slaps. I've got it on vinyl.

No, he isn't a Scientologist. No, he had a son die, didn't he? Yeah. Doesn't he just worship planes? What religion's that? I think you're thinking of autistic children. Every time, I think...

He's a plane spotter. John Travolta, I just think, that guy owns a plane. Like a fucking... Are you thinking of the film Face Off? No. I'm thinking of John Travolta's life. Hang on, so if you own a plane,

your religion is now planes. He has a plane. He has like a hangar at the back of his house and a runway next to it. Is that us? John Travolta. He just likes planes. No, I think it's beyond that.

I think there is God. I think that's his weird religion. He didn't just buy like a little two-seater. He bought like a Boeing 737. You should ask him if he could put your snakes on it. It just flies everywhere, doesn't it?

Snakes on a plane. John Travolta doesn't fly everywhere on a Boeing 737. You should ask him if you can put your snakes on it. It just flies everywhere, doesn't it? Snakes on a plane. John Travolta doesn't fly everywhere on a Boeing 737. He absolutely does. I don't even think he's got a car. I don't think he's got a driveway. Just go into Morrison's and go and let me load up the...

Well, that's the problem, isn't it? The Boeing 737. You've got to find a Morrison's near an airport. He's constantly in WH Smiths in airports. So he does his weekly shop. Why are you doing the big shop? It's WH Smiths again.

It's been 27 quid on Christmas. Two packs. Kate's a smart water. That's all he has in his house. No, but John Travolta's religion is it's a... God does everything. So like if he gives your kid AIDS, your kid's meant to have AIDS.

So John Travolta's son died and he wouldn't let him have the medicine and the surgery. Yeah. And he just let him die because God. Isn't that Jehovah's? Is he a Jehovah, yeah? Oh, I think that. That's brown bread.

I think. He is as well. Tell you what, considering you've been up since four, you're flying. Jehovah's aren't allowed to fuck with stuff, are they? It says Scientology. Oh, he's doing a hybrid.

Planes, Jehovah's and Scientology. It says he's still a Scientologist. Maybe he's got his own... He's got his own wing? He was raised... He was raised Catholic. Oh, weren't we all? I mean, I wasn't.

Finn, were you raised Muslim? By Poirot? No, but like, did your dad, because your dad's a Muzzy, isn't he? He is. He's a naughty one. What do you mean he's a naughty one? When he was here, he was eating bacon and boozing all the time. Oh, yeah, yeah, you have told us that.

There are much naughtier ones, though. Yeah, yeah. Relatively, he was eating bacon and boozing all the time. Oh, yeah, yeah, you have told us that. There are much naughtier ones, though. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was... Relatively, he was... He was kind of naughty. Yeah. No, but I used to lie about it in school. And say that you were...

I used to say, just for attention. Did you get longer than exams? What for? For praying? I don't know. Why else would you lie about being a Muslim in school? Got longer than exams because you had to read the questions backwards. Primary school age. That, by the way, is the best thing I've ever said on this show.

That was good. And it got nothing from you and nothing from the man it should have got something from. And all of our listeners don't even know what I'm saying. Just you, Carl. Just me and you, that mate. York and Cole. Bosh. Sheeran and his mate.

Something. Yeah, RE, I used to tell people I was Muslim. The primary school, I grew out of it. York and Cole Bash Sheeran and his mate Sutton Yeah RE I used to tell people I was Muslim The primary school I grew out of it And then Then I was called

Osama Bin Laden Yeah you brought that On yourself didn't you Yeah 100% Was he Muslim Who Osama Bin Laden

I don't know I know he went to School with Dom Jolly He did yeah In Q8 Yeah Is he Was he Muslim Both Prancesters I don't know. I know he went to school with Dom Jolly. He did, yeah, in Q8. Yeah. Was he Muslim? Both Prancesters.

It's God's planes as well. Or was. One's a phone jacker, one's a hijacker. Oh my God. Me and him and I'm fine. Absolutely fine. Whoa. Did he even do phone Jacket on Jolly?

No, that was kind of a no-brainer. I do get them confused, don't I? Trigger Happy TV. Still a great joke. Everyone knew what you were on about. It was worth it. I used to love that. Trigger Happy TV. It was like the first...

Fucking superb. Taking the piss TV when I was a kid anyway. We should try and get Dom Jolly on. I've got a hook up there mate Phone Jacker was unbelievable as well was it Brass Eye that was too old for me

and that's because I highly loved Brass Eye as well Brass Eye was different level but that was too old like I think we missed that Phone Jacker was

just so good that was my is Face Jacker the one with Ray Fakhadakhisen yeah that's my one of my favorite characters in anything

ever i watched that maybe like three or four times a year he shot him that one yeah oh mate yeah yeah like have you seen it so it's like a scouse careers officer so he's got like teenagers coming into him going like yeah i don't really know what i want to do he's like well you know me you got like his scouse voice is very similar to yours He's like, well, you know me. Like his Scouse voice is very similar to yours. It's like a thrill lyric, yeah. You know,

my granddad, you know, he was in prison. Didn't really know him because shot the postman. Crack shot. Anyway, only hobbies.

We'll watch it in the break because it's so fucking good. Phone Jacker. I used to prank call all the time so I loved Phone Jacker. He's turned it into a podcast's so fucking good. Phone Jacker. I used to plan call all the time so I loved Phone Jacker. He's turned it into a podcast now. He does a Phone Jacker podcast which it's a perfect like...

It's only short, isn't it? Yeah, it's like 20 minutes. It's perfect. He's an unbelievable comedy actor. Yeah, Four Lions is so funny. And he's brilliant in what we do in The Shadows as well. Oh my God.

The Shadows? What? Man. It my God. The shadows. What? I'm mad. It's such a good film. We've watched that. I've never seen it. I've never even heard of it. The show's good,

but the film is good. I've never even heard of it. I own it. Oh, you'd love it. Seneca's friend's got a Hello Police tattoo on her arm. Nice. He goes,

Hello Police. Can I just clear something up? I am not in the new series Boiling Point. Oh, I was going to ask you about that. Yeah, that's not me. That is a man called Sean Fagan, who is a really good Scouts actor.

And for years he's worked in the Pilgrim pub. And people have got in there thinking, going, fucking hell, I don't know what you're doing behind the bar. Because apparently people genuinely get us confused and they're not just taking the piss. I don't think we really look that alike Finn you can get

a picture of Sean if you want he looks similar but not enough to get mixed up with yeah he's got a he's got a rolling

boiling point the man from the pub TV show yeah he's doing well fucking good lad what have we got where is he it's Sean

with a H and an A and a U and an N. S-H-A-U-N. There he is. Okay, I can see it. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not zooming in, but yeah. They can see it. So congratulations, Sean. Did you play for Motherwell as well? I did, yeah. All right, okay, cool. In the Shadows is a documentary film about vampires,

but just regular everyday vampires who just live in a house. And are stupid. By Taika Waititi. Taika Waititi. And Jemaine Clement, isn't it? Yeah. And he's so funny in it as well. But the TV series has got Matt Berry in it,

being some of the best Matt Berry. Yeah. He's got such a unique way of delivering lines. Oh, he just, he knows, he so knows what he's doing. It's so brilliant. Like, and she's English, isn't she? Yeah, she's in Stafflet's Flats as well. I can't remember her name.

Is she Greek? Or is she the other guy? You like Basketti? Yeah. I didn't know you liked eating farms. It's on Disney well. I can't remember her name. Is she Greek? Or is she the other guy? You like Basketti? Yeah. I didn't know you liked eating farms. It's on Disney, I think. It's on iPlayer as well. It's on iPlayer as well, yeah.

In the shadows, it's fucking great. And Takeaway TT is just a talented man who's also with Rita Ora. Yeah, married, aren't they? Yeah. In a thruple. Not anymore. Oh.

They're just married. Yeah, they want the spare room back. Yeah. Nice. Were they in a thruple? yeah nice they were in a thruple with another woman or another man and let me tell you this

the other woman wasn't a moose you'd be surprised to hear she was very attractive what was the other woman's name uh Beryl

yeah it was take it right easy and Beryl Johnson it was Sue actually Rita Sue and Taika too Yeah, take it right easy. And Beryl Johnson. It was Sue, actually. Rita Sue and Taika too. Not bad.

That's like a film. I, yeah, I love that throuple dynamic. I just think it's fascinating. You spoken to Laura about maybe doing that? No, I'm all right. I'm just trying to have sex with her on her own. That's enough. I don't need to bring a fucking super sub on get solshar off the bench i i just don't know how it works is it ever do you have to fuck two birds every time two birds one stone do you live together

yeah well they did they did no you don't if you're in if you're in if you're in a thruple you don't have to live with each other you're in a relationship with a third person so they might have their own gaff and just come round for weekends but a throuple is you all fuck each other as gangbangs but also independently yeah that's what I don't get

to be honest Rita, Tuesday is Beryl's night so let's say it was you, Laura and I don't know, Sue, right? One night it'd be you and Sue, one night it'd be you and Laura, and another night, which is also sort of good

for you and the wank bank, is Laura and Sue. Scissor them. Yeah, plus you need a night off. But then there's a fourth night where you're all just going fucking mad. I think you're making it up

like a washing up fucking schedule, innit? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Adam, how many dicks are involved? They were tits. Right. Wow.

Big nips. Wank off them nips. I love big nips. I just don't know. I'm just... I just don't know how it works. Don't say it. I suppose it's just a more natural...

Take a breath. I just don't know how it works. Don't say it. I suppose it's just a more natural... Take a breath. Let it pass. Let the thought pass. I'd like to live with it because you're getting best of both worlds then. What, help with the mortgage? What? There you go.

It's a third cheaper as well. Yeah, yeah. That'll really make it sexy, won't it? Mmm, I'm going to fuck both of you tonight. But it's not about... Sue, Sue. The water bill's come in, so... Yeah, well, that is what it Yeah, yeah. That'll really make it sexy, won't it? Mmm, I'm going to fuck both of you tonight. But also, Sue, Sue, the water bill's come in. Yeah, well, that is what it is, though.

It's not all about being sexy. It's a relationship with a third person. It's not just a big fuck party. No. It's more than a fuck party. No, it's absolutely priority is sex.

No, it's not friends No one's getting into a throuple going, this council tax a bastard. Like, bullshit. Why? A thruple is almost always sex-driven. You don't have a third member of your relationship

who's some submissive that likes being fucking sat on by your wife because you're like, oh, actually, that's nice, but genuinely, you know. You don't know many people in thruples. I would challenge your authority on this. You don't know anyone in thruples.

I do. Who? Me, mate. John. Who? Me mate, John. John. John Cena. John. John, is he doing alright? John, Emma and Lucy. John, Emma and Lucy. I've heard you mention them

individually. So that's nice, isn't it? They've been in a throuple since sixth form. An early throuple? Yeah. Oh, wow. Well, it started as a love triangle, but then they thought, you know what, we can make this work.

Yeah. And the financial benefits, especially for like parking and that. Yeah. Great. The water bill. There was a lot of bitching at Sixth Form, but then they were like,

let's all go to uni together. Yeah. Nice. They did. They all went to Loughborough. Sporty. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They did this well. How did you remember that? Wow. How did you remember the uni? Because it's the only place where sporty people really go, isn't it? I didn't even know it was a sporty uni. If you're not going to, like, a proper red brick, you go to Loughborough. Oh, yeah, they're sporty, all right.

I didn't even know it was a sporty uni. Oh, famously. Loughborough. I nearly went to Loughborough because it's also really good for maths. Okay. I thought you were going to say that you were getting a sporting scholarship of some sort at Loughborough. No, I'm telling facts and nothing but the truth. So John, Lucy and Emma,

and they're still together. As far as I know. I don't keep up with everyone. I went to sixth form. I mean, if I knew a thruple from sixth form, I'd keep up. Can I ask about what happens... What, in case there's ever a fucking opening on the roster?

No, I just think it's intriguing. I don't think you'd be like, I don't hear anything about them. I've been busy cementing my name as a fucking world-class comedian, Daniel. Oh, yeah, you have, haven't you? You just don't hear any gossip about anyone. What happens when you go,

do you know what? I want to have kids, but... Come in both of them? Yeah. Oh, it's just a race to the... You get two shots. Yeah. It's double the chance.

There's another one's paying the water bill. One's getting jizzed in. Yeah. Like getting two lottery tickets, isn't it? Yeah. You're doubling your chance of winning. But what if they both want kids? What if the other one's like,

I've paid the water bill, I still want a baby. One of them is pregnant. You just keep pumping in the other one. Oh, nice. Nice. Do you know there's a 50% chance of winning the lottery then you either win or you don't

I'm still laughing at you pumping it in lovely good morning everyone no but like one of them is doing the tiling and one of them is like watching a telly pump it in. Lovely. Good morning, everyone. No, but like, one of them is doing the tiling and one of them is like watching a telly,

which then you switch. You've got three people doing shit in the house and houses are hard to maintain. Yeah, they are. And if you're ever like, I fancy getting sucked off and they're both like,

oh, we've both got headaches, you'd be like, that is statistically improbable. Yeah. But what if they sort of cycled together with the headaches ooh that'd happen

wouldn't it your offense the menstrual cycle would sink in your offense and after what I would do menstrual cycle wise

is I would actually try and keep them apart if you saw two you've got constant pump then so right great so you're

you're in a thruple and they never see each other Lucy you're in the west wing. Emma, stay in the fucking east wing. They're the opposite as well. They wouldn't see each other.

No. Whatever. Really smart. So they're helping with the house, but only one side of it. No, they're not helping with the house. It's their house. Oh, the tiling needs doing. Oh, the windows need cleaning.

Oh, watch the Simpsons. And then it's my turn. Don't get a tiling in order to win the cleaner whenever you do why why would you seric seric is busy if anything he's doing in my house i ring a man i know but if you had two women you normally do it mid record we know i don't do anything in my house yeah I think you keep them separate so that

they don't sync up no they can text each other but just not in the same room they don't have to text they can just shout at each other because they're in the same house hey man

you alright love yeah how's your tiling going yeah good oh god what big would bigger me be yeah it'd be fucking sick

wouldn't it no bigger me married why are you marrying them all? Love. Tyler. She's one of the best Tylers he's ever been with. He's got to marry her.

The word association today has been next level. Live. What? Yeah, I just don't I don't know

I don't know name me one downside to a throuple who live together one woman's enough two people shitting at the same time two bathrooms

oh god yeah you need it that's what I mean when has that ever happened you need an ensuite recycle this shit all the time oh me too

no bollocks just wait a minute even I can do that. Just wait a minute. Even I can do that. I can wait a minute. You didn't realise three people who live in one house can all still shit together? Like, that's not like a throuple thing.

I know that, but I'm saying if there's two... Oh, yeah, that's a good point. You're a fucking idiot. I think it sounds like a special type of torture. What do you mean? One woman's enough?

It's enough, isn't it? The good and the bad. The more women, the better in every way of life. Oh, really? Get a fucking harem. Just get 35 on the go. Who's that? What? What's a harem? A Muslim. A load of women. A load of wives. Oh, you mean

a harem? That's the way they say it in Hamilton. It is. It's a harem. I think the British way is harem, isn't it? And then the Americans. Harem sounds like you... Come on. What?

It sounds like your uncle. It sounds like your uncle, doesn't it? Harem doesn't sound like a word. It sounds like a name for a man whose parents were born in Asia. Yeah, I know, but I think the word might have... I think that's where it might come from. I thought it was hardy.

Oh. Oh, lovely word for it. I refuse to believe that Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote the wrong pronunciation into Alexander Hamilton's musical. It's a harem. That's not harem.

It's only got one E. So small on this screen. What are you up for, Finn? It's harem. What have your big fingers done to that screen? We've got tiny screen letters. Oh, there you go. Tiny screen letters.

Press play. That's from Arabic. Press play. Tear him. Oh, nice. Origin. Mid 17th century from Arabic. Haram.

Haram. A literally prohibited prohibited place oh there you go so you're not allowed 35 wives used to be back in the good old days when do you ever

just get to hang out on your own two wives 35 wives when they're out having a little chat and talking about the bills and that

no they're not allowed to go anywhere near each other no that's just my silly rule but like oh sorry yeah yeah you know maybe like

once a week I'd be like look I'm gonna play for you if you can go and do dominoes off the bingo or whatever mate it sounds like two women whinging

at you I think you're being really unfair is that all women are to you whingers yeah no it's not all they

are but sometimes they can whinge yeah they can yeah of course would you live with two men you have to distract them

I have lived with two men did they whinge I've had a different path. What, in a shared house? Yeah, what's the difference? Yeah, I lived with Danny Mac. He winced all the time.

Yeah, but it's just two men. He can suck it off as well. No, Danny Mac didn't suck me off. He was just a housemate. That's exactly what Carl's saying. What? If you've got two wives, it's like having two Danny Macs who can suck it off.

He's not going to love this bit. It's like having two Danny Macs who can suck it off. He's not going to love this bit. I think you're overestimating how much blowjob is happening. You said it was all sex, a throuple? Yeah, but I'm saying if you get to the point where you're living together, I think genuinely throuples start out with totally sexual as it starts out.

If you end up living together, like, oh, it's great, you've got two missus. Like, when do you... I want time on my own. You could give time on your own. Give them time together, and then you've got time on your own. And four people live in your house now,

and you've built your own house to get away from them. Yeah. But imagine if there was another woman going, where are you going? And then you just tell her, I've ordered these whole mums. And then she wants kids. And she wants kids.

Just like Domino's. She wants kids as well, so now I've got four kids when I wanted two. This is getting out of hand. Tell her to shut up. Yeah. Oh,

we're not having kids. Oh. Strictly anal with you. Oh, yeah. You want me bumming, wife? That's how Sue likes it.

Imagine that. You want me bumming, wife? I'm sorry to all the women who are listening to this. Yeah. I'm sorry to all the women who are listening to this I'm sorry it is all jokes obviously

but you know sorry we're not objectifying you but we are for jokes I'm sorry Danny Mac we objectified you as well I don't know how anyone like Etta was asking about that about how she is she sort of doesn't I don't know how anyone like

Etta was asking about that about how she is she sort of doesn't yeah she wasn't asking Etta wasn't asking about throuples although she's kind of in one at school is mummy a bumming wife? direct quote

no she's not darling famously she's absolutely not this is public I know but we've brought Patreon energy we always do this as soon as there's not

a guest we're like everyone on the naughtiest form ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool. The Prime Minister could watch this. What? The Prime Minister could watch this if he wanted to. The King of England

could come in your house and watch this and you wouldn't be able to stop him. Come in your house and watch it? Yeah. What a weird move that'd be from the King. Just announce it.

Bash through the door. There's Serica tiling. What are you doing here, King Charles? I've come to watch your podcast. And legally, you can't stop him. You can't? What episode are you putting on for the king? What do you mean?

This one. What do you mean? What do you mean you can't stop the king? You can come in your house, can't you? No! That's why Americans have got guns. No! Go on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Go on. Americans have got guns to stop the king of England famously fucking them over. Watch your podcast in the house. That was the War of Independence. That was what it was all about. The War of Independence is to fuck us,

and they got guns to go, hey, go away. No, the right to bear arms is to fight against a tyrannical government. Yeah, but back then it was ours. Harem. Hang on. No one can come in your house if you don't want them to babe

they can't not even the king the king can come in your house if you don't want him to the king can't come in your house he defo can he can knock he's like a vampire

he's gotta be invited isn't he exempt from all laws what the fuck are you talking about the king's exempt from all laws isn't he oh yeah yeah yeah

that's why you can... Can't the queen claim... Couldn't she claim any bit of land in the UK that she wanted? So the king can just go, this is my ken, I'll bail it, lad, and put another word on. What the fuck are you talking about? The king can claim any piece of land in the UK.

No, that's absolute horseshit. No, it's one of those old fucking stupid... Will's nodding and he knows. No, listen. Absolute horseshit. Yeah, you're right. Dan is technically wrong, but you're all obviously,

it's like that law that you can fucking blow a Welshman's head off in Chester after midnight. It is still a law, but it's not happening, is it? You can shit in a postman's ass

on a Tuesday. Yeah, I was saying, shit in a postman's ass on a Tuesday. There you go. You can't break the law. He is above the law.

That is not true. What? He's not above the law. He is above the law. That is not true. What? He's not above the law. He is. He killed Diana. Well, he didn't, but they did. Yeah, he's sovereign immunity from both civil and criminal proceedings.

There you go. He can come with him. He's going to come and bum your head in, mate. He's going to finish the title. But it's not what I can do to stop him. I hope none of the flag shaggers are watching this because the fucking Muslims just skilled a fucking Englishman

on the laws of the land. Oh, shit. If the king... If the king... That's me. Muslim man. He was until the end of primary school. And then they came up with a really funny bit of wordplay

for a nickname and he was like, I'm actually Christian. So, King Charles yeah in his Christmas Day address yeah in the King's speech

literally just gets a servant blows his head off with a shotty yeah no prosecution no prosecution is that how you think

that'd go there'd be outrage he'd probably be impeached or whatever they say we'd get him out he'd be impeached but he's not going to Nick, is he?

No. Yeah. No. A hundred percent. That is an old... There is no written constitution for the United Kingdom. He would go to prison. There's defo some old bylaw or something.

Hang on. It's his gaffe. What do you mean? It's his majesty's pleasure. It's his ken. Yeah. He just closed the prison. You think the P stands for pleasure?

Yeah, but I'm saying that's what the joke is. I just strongly disagree with you. He closed the prison. The outdated fucking English constitutional shite is not going to stop him if he literally goes, come here, Jeremy. And everyone's like...

You don't think the royals are murdering people all the time? Not on the fucking King's Speech on TV. They're not walking around blowing people's head off with a gun, are they? They've definitely murdered them. You might think that, but there's no fucking evidence. There's evidence if it's on TV.

I think if he blew someone's head off on the King's Speech and he's like, fucking dead, you bitch. If he did that, I don't think he would go to prison, but I think there would be an invasion from a foreign country, probably America,

and they'd just kill him. They'd just be like, you can't do that. Like, yeah, you can't be prostituting. An invasion? So my option of him serving time as a prisoner- Wouldn't happen. He'd be like, fuck off, guys. America-

Don't touch me. I wrote the bylaws. It is gaff. The United States would invade the UK. Yeah. Would invade the UK because the king who has no power United States would invade the UK. Yeah. Would invade the UK. Yeah. Because the king who has no power.

Yeah. Has shot someone in the head. Because there's been an injustice. And I'm the silly bollocks. No. Yeah. All right. Cool.

Cool. Cool. We don't have oil though. So they're definitely not doing that. Are you going to Walton Nick? Well, it's mine. It's closed. Next.

Can't put him in prison, can we? Oh, they absolutely can. He'd be getting fucking spit-busted within about an hour and a half. Are you joking, aren't you? Oh, I'm not saying he's on. Come here, sausage boy. He's not on B-Wing. Yeah, he'd be like, he'd be getting fucking spit-possed within about an hour and a half. Are you joking, aren't you? Oh, I'm not saying he's on... Come here, sausage boy. He's not on B-Wing. Yeah, he'd be using him as an arse-finger.

Oh, he'd be the arse-finger? Yeah, because... Oh, he'd be popular. Fresh meat. Yeah, literally. Sausage hands. Oh, God. No, he's not going...

But he can do whatever he wants. Yeah. No, he can't. There's no chance that the king's ever getting prosecuted. Someone would have to come and take him out. The judges work for him. Yeah, I don't think it works like that. I think you'd find that the constitution

that isn't written anyway would get fucking amended pretty quick. Shot someone in the head on TV. Look at you. Aren't you all in line? I'd start the revolution right here mate he'd shoot you in the head

there might be there might be a revolution and he might be like like accosted by the public and he might be overthrown once again he's not a ruling king he's not

there's no there's no need to be a revolution he's just a fucking it's a ceremonial position he's revolting so you think fucking John and Terry fucking

John and Terry John and Terry fucking... John and Terry? John and Terry. No one quote on Carnu. Go on. Scotland Yard are going down and going, come on, Charlie, we've just seen you're addressed there. There's your handcuffs, get in. Oh, I mean, the extra large ones, get in the van.

You think they're just arresting him and taking him and he's going, okay, yes, I did blow his servant's head off. He's going to be there going, suck my sausage cock. I'm going nowhere near Nick, mate. He'd just sit in his house and go, no, it's my Nick. The judge is sacked. Yeah.

You're all fired. He's done. No. Maybe house arrest. But my man's got power for over the... What power? He's got police. He's got police.

You drive him round. He just... Oh, he's got police. He's got them in your pocket. He's got a chauffeur. Do you know what I see his mask for you mum you think I've got power you try and get that

for your auntie when she goes I think I struggled you couldn't watch the telly because his mum died what do you think he's going to do when he blows someone's head off he'd just turn the telly off

no one would know he did it yeah he gaslights everyone that wasn't me dad and some other sausage fingered cunt that's what he'd say self-deprecation makes people believe it.

Do you honestly think he could just walk in your house? He can. Yeah. To be honest with you, if King Charles... I'm not in any way a royalist, and I hate the monarchy, and I hate the fact

that we are overruled by someone who has apparently got an inherently better bloodline than the rest of us. I don't think the idea is very modern. I think it's quite silly. But if King Charles knocked at ours, I'm letting him in. You're not closing the door.

I know, but that's not what I'm saying. If he knocked on my door of my flat, I'd open and be like, fuck off. Give him a fever. Oh, he's going to struggle with that, isn't he? What if he knocked with a TV licensed guy, but not coming in, Charles?

I would love to slam the door in King Charles' face. It'd be fucking brilliant. Not today. You invite him in 100%. Not today. Why? What?

Let him come in your house. He just wants to have a look. Go fuck off. If I was him, I'd just knock on some random kid's door and be like, let me in. I'd watch as I fall off

and then go home. That'd be your... Yeah. There's a hospital to open. Never mind that. I'm playing knock a door, run in the neighbourhood. Loads more fun. Knock a door stand.

Knock and let me in. Just knocking on people's doors. Is that me being gently hit onto the front door? Oh no, it's the king. Little sausage fucking chops. I'd let him in. Yeah, but you're saying he can just wander in. He can. I'd let him in. Yeah, but you're saying he can just wander in.

He can. I don't, I disagree. I'm not ringing the police if Prince Charles is in my front room, am I? They already know, don't they? They're driving him around. Yeah, we dropped him off.

And they've hung up. So you think it'd be illegal for him to just wander in your house? He's definitely just allowed to do what he wants. No, he's not. Ask for forgiveness, No, it your house. He's definitely just allowed to do what he wants. No, he's not. Ask for forgiveness. It's not the year 1230.

Things have changed. He was there. Google it and see what he can do. That's what I'm saying. It says he's exempt from all laws. Who says he's exempt? He can park wherever he wants. That's not...

UK and EU.co.uk. Yeah. Monarchy in the courts. Yeah. I'm not having it. Here are the laws that Charles is exempt from as king. Press on that. Time magazine.

Ready? Oh, luckily it's in the smallest font in the history of font. Travelling with a passport. See, doesn't need a passport. You can just turn up in fucking Mozambique and be like, I'm King Charles. Go, go, go. Travelling with a passport, understandable. John Travolta can pick him up wherever he wants. he can just turn up in fucking Mozambique and be like I'm King Charles go away dickhead travelling with a passport

understandable John Travolta can pick him up wherever he wants he can just do whatever speed limit he wants he can break the speed limit he could just do fucking 195

on the M6 top when they are escorted by police officers police officers yeah he's always escorted by police officers he's the king

right so he can't just speed he has to be escorted do you know um all i think all like ambassadors can do the same i don't think they have to stop at traffic lights safety yeah queen elizabeth didn't even pass her test and she was driving around what on balmoral on her estate just fucking murking dears go on she used to drive on public roads paying taxes you've seen that fucking picture of her in a Range Rover?

Yeah. She's got the one model down from me. Paying taxes. You surprise me. Go down. Jury duty. Racial, ethnic, and sexual equality laws. Your child, King Charles, is on the jury.

She's only two weeks off work, lad, if I'm honest. What's this? Racial, ethnic, and sexual equality laws? Oh, my God. King Charles can be so racist. weeks off work lad if i'm honest what's this racial ethnic and sexual equality laws oh my god king charles can be so racist they can't fight so anyone working for the royal family cannot file a complaint to the court if they faced any discrimination under the category of sex the king should start a fucking podcast he would fly using that one though when he that's the one he's regularly right his dad was and what have you got Shooting people in the head with a shotty.

Where did that come up? Oh, it didn't come up. Murder. No, it's sovereign immunity. If he strives past you at 195 miles an hour, he wouldn't know it was him who shot you

dead in the shotty. Here are the laws that Charles is exempt from for his king. Murder won't one of them. But sovereign immunity means he can't be prosecuted. He's exempt from criminal

and civil proceedings. Well. He should start. Maybe they'd change the laws, but if he did it right now, he can't be prosecuted. He should start flexing them. He should start. Maybe they changed the laws, but if he did it right now, he can't be prosecuted. He should start flexing them. He should start, like,

parking where he wants. Robin Morrison's pushing all people over in the street. I think you're describing Mario Balotelli. I was thinking about him before. I think Mario Balotelli

thinks he's exempt from all laws as well. Well, Mario Balotelli, when he played for Manchester City, he just used to leave his car wherever it was most convenient and then just pay for tickets. That's a £70 fine.

They'd be like, he was like, oh yeah, fine. He had loads of money on his passenger seat once and the police pulled him over and went, why have you got that? He went, because I'm rich. It's honestly a fucking great answer, isn't it? It's mad that you're not allowed to have money, isn't it? Like the police will be like, why have you got that?

You have to prove it. Like if you took £50,000 on a plane and it's just yours they go why the way around that is to get some untraceable bearer bonds not allowed to ask questions then yeah why have you got those untraceable bearer bonds on your business i i to get 10 grand out of the bank when i was buying my car they're like wow what's this for they ask you what it's for yeah drugs like give me my fucking money

you're Nat West fuck off took ages you've got to like take a passport and everything just take your money out and they need to know

what it's for kiss my flat it's so you're not getting scammed because you're old yeah oh it's my age that did me in there is someone asking you

to pack the old there's a fella in here he's in his late 80s and he wants to take 10 grand out saying it's my age that did me in there. Is someone asking you to pack the old... There's a fella in here. He's in his late 80s and he wants to take 10 grand out saying it's for the car. I don't think he can drive anymore. Do you want me to do it here, John? Yeah.

Ask Jack his passport. Okay. Can I have his 42? Yeah. Just chat with him. Give him it, yeah? Okay. Want me to do any other checks?

Can you walk in a straight line for us, love, towards that door and then come back? Nice. That's what they did. Someone said you pay me drive. How old were you when you first saw the film Grease? 34. Shall we have a break?

Yeah. I'm literally Googling murder and King Charles, although that's not a good thing to Google, is it? No, we're on a watch list in milliseconds. It's part two of three. Oh. Oh, we've not had that

for a while. Not a robot for a while. No guests. No guests today. Because we know that you like them. We bring the Patreon vibe to the end.

Yeah, just every now and then we just don't have a guest on. Oh yeah got some great guests coming up some people who've never done it before very exciting time oh we got some fucking good shit coming should we do some questions oh i would love you to mate right questions so we had one that was that was just related to what happened at the end of that section anyway. So this one's from Daniel Punchon. Punchon. Wagwag lids. I was just going through my junk emails and realized how many scam emails I get.

I'm wondering if you were a scammer and had to scam a person out of money, how would you go about doing it? You can't use physical violence or threaten them. You solely have to do it through convincing them to hand over the money. What you, we have to be scammers yeah we have to be some of the biggest lowlifes ever yeah but say you're scamming a bad gimp like oh a bad toy like an old woman oh an old woman oh yeah cool i think you took that in a different direction than i would have come back yeah i think that famously they are pretty yeah I am

I'm you know it was a few years ago yesterday that I told that my one of my life goals for a while

was to be a long con artist and I'd planned to scam my way into hotels and stuff but I have thought like in the past when I've been down

on me looking a bit skint about like scamming billionaires and millionaires and that and just trying to they're pretty susceptible as well famously

they're stupid well they want something for nothing so you give them nothing for something oh it's the opposite of what they want but they get caught up

in the wordplay Dan do you know do you know about the guys who get you can buy you holidays and stuff using the cards of millionaires

no what yeah I live in sorghal no i know someone who uh i don't know him but i know somebody knows him yeah and if you want to buy a holiday or like like a big item like a kitchen he'll buy it for you and basically get it you get it for half price and he's just using like a stolen millionaire's card dark web or something that's just a guy there's probably loads of them though there's another there is a uh will you ever pay full price for anything while charging?

There's a multimillionaire wedding scam. I don't know whether you know about this. So what you do is, so a lot of really become a wedding venue and then overcharged to fuck. A lot of really wealthy people have PAs who deal with most of their sort of day-to-day admin you know what i mean boring shit um and these people get invited to a lot of events right the pas do no the the oh sorry the millionaires yeah okay and they can't attend them all and don't want to so uh what like some people have done in the past, and apparently this does work, get like the postal address of a lot of,

of the PO box or whatever it is, of loads of different millionaires and send them wedding invites. And on the invite say, we're not asking for money, we just want a thoughtful gift, whatever you can afford, and you can send them in advance to this address.

Now, most PAs will read that and go, he's not going to their fucking wedding, but I better send a present so that he doesn't lose face. Box it off. So you end up getting a load of presents from millionaires for a wedding that isn't happening. That's good. Right.

So you just need to be, you just need that email. How do you get? You need the PO box of wealthy people. Right. But that's not that difficult to get hold of. I like that. We should do it. Hush money.

What a great way to go to prison. Why are you in prison? I've got this lovely set of crockery. What are you in for? Murder. No. It's illegal to wed in cash as well, isn't it? Illegal?

Not for the king. Harry's back with coffees. He can turn up to any wedding, famously. Yeah. And have sex with the bride. Not you can do, Barry. But yeah, if you wedding crash, and it's fraud, isn't it?

Oh, yeah. I guess. Yeah, but it's fun. It's fun fraud. You know what I mean? They made a film about it. Owen Wilson was great in it. It's actually a really problematic film,

if you watch it. Is it, yeah? Is it? I haven't seen it. I was just riffing. Oh, it's a really good a really problematic film if you watch it. Is it, yeah? Is it? I haven't seen it. I was just riffing. Oh, it's a really good film. But then if you watch it under the microscope of the modern world, you're like, oh, shit.

Yeah, but you can watch loads of stuff like that, innit? Obviously you can. I'm not saying I'm not going to watch it because of that, but I'm saying if you were to. Friends is awful. It's fraught. It's so bad. Like, every episode is,

remember when you were the big fat bitch, Monica? Ah, fatty. Like, that's every episode of Friends. And Joey shags all the women yeah and he's allowed because he's a good looking man and that's that problematic

no but I mean like womanising is not seen as a good thing on television anymore is it no maybe not but it was like it was lauded then

like hey he's cool he shags all these ladies and doesn't call them back yeah he was the most basic character wasn't he yeah he likes food he's thick,

and he's a shagger. Yeah. I'd scam the scammers. I'd start ringing Africa and just see how they like it. I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole a couple of weeks ago. Do you think Africa

is actually doing this? Steve told me about it as well. So there's a guy, the one I've been watching is called Kit Boga. Kit Boga is the second best. I can't believe you've let it slide that he said he'd call Africa and see how they like him, by the way.

Oh, I'm fine with Africa. Kit Boga's so basic. He's on Scouse Africa. All right, lads, you're in Africa now. So basically there's a guy that does that. He doesn't scam them back, he just wastes their time. But he's also like taking all their accounts down and stuff. So he's got, like, a voice modulator.

So he can either sound like an old man or an old woman. And he's going, Hello! He's American. Hello! Don't know what I'm doing. He pretends to go to follow it. He keeps them on the line for, like, 10 hours.

He's done one for weeks. He sounds like you with the fucking... It's an addictive thing. Well, there's another one called Scammersammers certain and it's a it's a similar guy but he goes in the computer and that's what they kit bogus started doing but you they just waste their time and then also they can track so they're getting into their computer yeah but he's doing it back to them and then taking them have you seen the one where the guy is so good at hacking that he has the CCTV of their office and they've got a line of people

and he's like, what's your name? And she's like, my name is definitely Claire Jones. And then he's like, is it Claire Jones? She's like, it is 100% Claire Jones. He's like, nah, it's not. It's Sasmita. And you can see it go. That's what you do.

It's so funny, that video. And then the guy's like, he fans himself at some see it go that's what you do it's so funny that video and then the guy and then the guy's like like he fans himself at some point and he goes are you hot oh I love it

there's ones where they go into the place in Mumbai the guy walks in to the place and goes oh I've been speaking to you and you

and like what the fuck they make so much money I'd rather just do it from my spare room and hack rather than be like, I'll tell you what, I really piss them off. Me flying to Mumbai for 11 hours.

That'll show them. On two slightly different notes. First of all, like confronting people who've fucked you over. Not like a massive fuck over for me, but obviously we all, anyone who creates content online, you get the odd troll

and people who just say horrible things. Every time I get one that pisses me off now, I do have a lovely little fantasy daydream where I turn up at the house and murder them. Yeah. Oh, you're not just confronting them, you're shooting them. Oh, I'm not shooting them.

That's too quick. I'm draining their blood like a halal goat. Oh, dear. It's what they do. Inshallah. I can speak for them. Where was that in Hamilton? Second thing is last night,

I got a notification to my Facebook fan page saying I had a message. Now, I don't get those notifications anymore because I have an auto-reply on which goes, thanks for sending a message. We'll be back whenever. By the way, if I go and check that message, there's like five months of me going,

thanks for getting in touch. We'll be back in touch. Sorry about that, everyone. Facebook's dying. Why are you still on it? I've got a lot of messages that i haven't uh seen and some of them are stand-up questions some of them are going i don't know the dates and not at some of them are going on we'd really love to see you but we can't make the day can you have another date in glasgow and then some of them are podcast fans um and

some of them uh ladies who i think want to have sex with me. And one of them's really not happy with you. Oh. Yeah. Can you say why? Yeah. Well, so she sort of goes through... She wants to talk to me

because she thinks we've been through similar stuff in our past. Okay. So she's like, look, you've been through stuff, I've been through stuff, I'd love to vent to me because she thinks we've been through similar stuff in our past okay so she's like look you've been through stuff I've been through stuff I'd love to vent to you at some point

and then she says and as for your mate laugh my arse off the one who thinks he knows all about women babes he's got no clue what gushing is he reckons it's piss

and he isn't funny I'm a female 45 from South Wales that's it Finn's Matt right just North Wales sorry thank you I love it but she is a gusher 45 from South Wales. That's it. Finn's Matt. Right. Just North Wales.

Sorry. Thank you. I love it. But she is a gusher. It is just piss. Whoever this stupid woman is, shut up. Just get off the piss.

It isn't just piss though. It's lady comment. I love it. Gushing as well. If you're listening, that woman, I couldn't give a fuck what you think. I now think it's piss more.

There we go. Say that. Get on that. There you go. So we're not scam's piss more. You want to go? Say that. Get on that. There you go. So we're not scamming. We don't want to scam. We've been through some similar things and I'd just love to talk to you about it.

By the way, I'm a gusher. And I'm a gusher. And I'd love to talk about that stuff. Wind the clean and scamming. With your dick in my mouth. That's easy. Wind the clean and scamming. Hiya, mate.

Got the money for the windows. People just give you three quid. Do that loads. Three quid? that loads three quid yeah it's not much sorry what the window cleaner used to knock on ours loads

and you just paid him because he was no one lived with me mum but I was like you haven't cleaned the windows I would never say it but I don't know if he's cleaned the windows

it's rained since I actually said to my mum put a smear in the corner of one of the windows and let's test them but she never did well yeah window cleaning is the biggest scam going mate yeah it's easy smeared in the corner of one of the windows and let's test them but she never did. Well, yeah.

Window cleaning is the biggest scam going, mate. Yeah. It's easy. Is it three quid? Mine's 18 quid, my window. I don't know. All right. When do you think,

how long is the gap in your head between cleaning the windows and collecting the window cleaner money? Because normally it's immediate. How is that immediate?

How many cleans are when you're out? Yeah, they do come, they can come back round for the dollar. He used to knock about, he used to knock about six, yeah, but whenever everyone was in work, he'd knock about six o'clock

and be like, window money. Mum would go, yeah. I'd be like, you don't even know if he's fucking cleaned the windows. She'd be like, oh, he has. He's such a suspicious, cynical man. Because he definitely didn't clean the fucking windows.

Do you know what this is? This is you projecting how you would approach window cleaning onto a legit window cleaner. Do you know what this is? This is you projecting how you would approach window cleaning onto a legit window cleaner. What you do is go, everyone's at work. I'm just going to tell them I've cleaned the windows and come back at six and collect the money. You just get a second wife to do it. We don't know what Carl would

do. There's the scam though. Knock on someone's house and go, I make windows. Don't even say you want money for window cleaning. You just knock and say windows and then they give you money. Very, very low return scam, scam in it when the police ask you just saying i just said windows mate windows what do you mean windows i don't understand what you mean windows how many windows before you just give up windows what do you mean by windows you were in a fucking wire you do that for three hours in a couple of roads you're making 60

70 quid that's better than the hourly rate for an accountant yeah it isn't so you think if someone knocks on someone knocks on

my door yeah that isn't my window cleaner that's role play and goes no more role play windows

hello windows oh what do you what do you mean? Windows What you've done the windows? Windows

Ben two doors down Is our window cleaner Windows No I don't understand Yeah Ben Yeah yeah yeah Ben's windows Oh so you work with Ben?

Ben and windows Alright but I've already paid Ben Windows You're going to have to What do you mean? You want money For Windows Ben and Windows. All right, but I've already paid Ben. Windows. You're going to have to... What do you mean? You want money for... Windows. Okay, cool.

There you go. That's three quid. And what's happened there is, I've just thought, there's a special needs kid knocking around. Trying to buy Windows. No, he wants to buy... He wants money for Windows.

Imagine if we just... We'll take the Windows out. He's come to fix the computer, Laura. Windows. Windows. Windows. Windows. It would work. You would make money. Yeah, it would.

You wouldn't make, especially old people, they're stupid. Windows. Carl, again, always straight to the old people. They're the people who get scammed. Go for them. Windows. The question was, are you scamming people? I'm scamming old people by knocking on the door and saying windows.

I'm ringing 0151 Africa and just going, Windows? We haven't got any. Oh, damn. Bloody hell, mate. You buy one, you get one free.

That's a window as well. Are we flagging it? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Offside. Do you know, after we talked about arenas in Africa,

I went and researched it. There's so many more arenas than I thought. Africa's doing well better than I am. Yeah, because in your head, Africa is one big desert. No, it's not. You've got a very regressive view of Africa. 100%.

Do you know Nigeria is one of the wealthiest countries? I honestly, I think the Book of Mormon has really fucked my... I'm like, everywhere is just Uganda. Like, I honestly... Acon? Oh yeah, and Acon. Yeah, Nigeria is incredibly successful.

And Acon. Acon lit Africa, didn't he? What? Google it. What? What am I Googling? I'm fire. Acon lights Africa.

Lights Africa. Harry's nodding a project started in 2014 by music artist acorn which aims to provide electricity by solar energy in africa sit on it right if they had electricity before that i can't yeah but he's boxing them not all of it oh shit i'm going back down there yeah acon less africa acons raised one billion dollars to finance projects in africa yeah how much has got through to the exactly that's so dodgy yeah all the nigerians what a weird rabbit hole where i was like the have a word podcast has got me researching the the gdp of nigeria i i don't think uh think coming from Great Britain or anywhere in the Western world, we're in any position to lecture

African countries on what corruption is. I think we're just as bad as anywhere on the planet. No, I think there's places that are worse. I don't think there is. The only reason we can go there is because they've got nothing for us to take. Because it's just Arab, isn't it? I don't think there is anywhere worse than us. I think we're as bad, if not the worst. What, corruption-wise?

Yeah. Do you think? Genuinely, yeah not the worst. What, corruption wise? Yeah. Do you think? Genuinely, yeah. Unlike Russia. Coney 2012, mate. But do you know what it is with Russia? Russia's not lying about it. Russia is like,

we're not, like I'm Vladimir Putin and I'm in charge. Shut the fuck up. Rishi Sunak is like, hey, I was elected. You weren't. I was elected

and this is what people want. So, you know, we're going to do it. No, we need this PPE. Thatishi Sunak is like, hey, I was elected. You weren't. I was elected and this is what people want. So, you know, we're going to do it. No, we need this PPE. That's why, you know, me mate Johnny makes socks. I'm getting him to make medical masks.

Like, there's an artifice to our bullshit where there's in Russia, they're very brazen when they're like, Putin's like, yeah, my mate John.

Yeah, I'm giving him this contract. No, he's never done it before. You're going to do anything about it? Shut the fuck up. Well, yeah. Look at HS2. it? Shut the fuck up. Well, yeah. Look at HS2. What?

Look at HS2. It was never happening, was it? You know, we all get it quick, but when it comes to you, it slows down. It's basically just a big same train with fancy weight on it. I mean, Russia's not just going, listen, he's the emperor. They are still doing elections and stuff.

Yeah. But they are more brazen about it. Like, he runs the whole gaff and yeah if you if you're a political activist and you're like we should deal with this putin thing your head ends up in a bin yeah about two months later yeah and but it's still horrific and tyrannical like there is a there's a parliament there's ombudsman there is select committees but within that there's some high end Tory corruption

and it's just the way the fucking country works yeah I think we're the worst I just don't I don't know I think Nigeria might

how many African window cleaners do you think are scamming people on Africa Dan we've got more than anyone they haven't even got windows so how are they doing it cleaned your windows we haven't got any

windows Finn next question next question next question I honestly think both of these when they pictured Africa are thinking of the Lion King I'm not anymore

I haven't looked into Nigeria's fucking wealth it's picturing comet relief innit yeah it's sort of yeah it's sort of fucked it up a little bit

don't get me wrong like there's gonna be bits of Somalia that are pretty ropey gonna do some underrated overrated go for it although at least they've got the seas,

you know, to go and be pirates. I mean, you know. How good would that be? Like, well, we used to be fishermen, but it's all fucked. Tell you what we should do, lads. Let's get a boat. Let's get some machine guns.

Are you trying to, like, big short this podcast this week? Is that what you're trying to do? Are you trying to best... Famously, Somalian pirates. You know? They exist, yeah. It's just the boys, isn't it? Getting out out on the high seas taking down a cruise ship it genuinely sounds

kind of fun i know it's like you know horrific and people get hurt but you think that's like somalia's version of going paintballing and skimping you start to want to take down a pno cruise yeah instead of starting a podcast lads pirates just saying I think we should do it the pirate special Scouse pirate special pirate radio take down the sea cat

yeah the duck bus the ferry to Belfast that takes eight hours that everyone's like oh fucking just take it over it's a nightmare

underrated overrated oh absolutely why are you still looking having a really bad dream. Tell me, if you're African, that you wouldn't love to... No, go on. If you're Somalian, you'd almost feel obliged to be a pirate at some point. Wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you? Dan's problematic right now. He's a problem. I'm problematic. Harry, am I being sensitive here? I just want a voice from the darkness. Am I being sensitive here? I just want, I want like a voice from the darkness. Am I being sensitive or is this insane? Content manager over here.

Harry. I came back with coffees and there was a lot of kind of questionable views on an entire content of people. Yeah, no, I'm educating myself about it. I've been there. Nigeria, doing exceedingly well. You've never been to Nigeria? No, I've not. I've Wikipedia'd it

you know I've been in there and it said they're all pirates no that's Somalia it's totally different Nigerian pirates they don't need it

they're doing so well as business people landlocked as well no it's not that was a guess right can we talk about literally anything else

yeah on the rated Somalian pirates gear shift now Right. Finn, can we talk about literally anything else? Yeah. Underrated Somalian pilots. Gear shift now. This is from Mark Hunt. Underrated, overrated. Flower on baps. What?

Flower on baps. Overrated. Overrated. It's horrible. Horrible. Oh, I thought you meant like rose petals on a woman's tits. Could have been that. That's Oasis, though. What? Rose petals on a woman's tits. Could have been that. That's Oasis, though.

Rose petals on a woman's tits. That's Oasis. Yeah, famously. I ate it. It makes me hands dry. It makes me hands feel a weightlifter. It tastes awful. When you get that bad one that's got a bottom that has flour caked on it.

I don't know what it's for. I think the only time it's good is when the bread is dead fresh. Mate, Nando, sort your fucking bread out, mate. Keep getting stale bread at Nando's. A bad one of them's got a bit too much flour on the bottom. Is it that one, though? No, it's like the last couple of Nando's.

The top of a Nando's bread looks like a pussy, I think. What, the little chia batter thing? Yeah. The burger looks like a pussy, I think. What, the little chia batter thing? Yeah. Oh, yeah. The burger looks like a pussy. So, right. Stop it. I've stopped talking, and someone's gone,

I'll take the baton, and I'll run with it. Pussy bread. Hey, not African pussy bread. That'd be too far. Right. Brian says, underrated or overrated? Bungalows. Belters. It was really good for my mum. I mean Brian says, underrated or overrated? Bungalows. Bouncers.

It was really good for my mum when she lost her leg, you know? Because famously, people with one leg, not a huge fan of having an upstairs. Did you get a bungalow? Did you?

Yeah. Is that one of the rules of losing a leg? You get a bungalow. It's not a rule. It's not like you can't have an upstairs. It's just, you know,

most people with one leg don't want it upstairs. It would be a nightmare if the rule was you only have one leg, you get a bungalow. Because you'd get a lot of 70-year-olds just chopping off a leg, wouldn't you? Be like, I'm going to want to be on the... Seven. 70-year-olds.

Oh, 70. Not a lot of seven-year-olds. Do you know how much it costs to have a false hand? What, on the NHS or private? I don't know. You'd never go private for a false hand. 20 grand a year maintenance because it's got yeah found this out yesterday you have to get a subscription to your

hand apparently he's not wrong it's not mad 20 you lose your hand they go 20 grand a year there's a joke there i'm not gonna do but 20 000 pound a year that's awful what do you have to pay? Maintenance on it because it's obviously a very complex piece of kit. It's like the BMW heated seats. Yeah?

It's just like that. It's like if Audi go, it's a service time, 20 grand, but the Audi's your land. I bet you could get a deal on it. It's worth it though. Is this a fully roboted hand

that like responds and like grips? Yeah. You can use it, it functions as a hand. How much for just like the fake hand? What, like the E? You know, the happy Gilmore. What, like a mannequin. You can use it. It functions as a hand. How much for just like the fake hand? What, like the-

You know, a Happy Gilmore. What, like a mannequin? You could just rob one of them from fucking British Home Stores. We've got one out there. Paper Masha? It gets taken out of the fucking lobby, you'd be all right.

That's not 20 grand, is it? No, it's not. Unless you're painting different colours all the time. It's the price of Paper Masha, you know? Yeah. Once a week, probably. Do you mean how much is that one? Have you seen Dan's black hand?

Less than 20 grand a year. Yeah. That's what they'd say. Have you seen Dan's black hand? Yeah, less than 20 grand a year. I think there's levels to it. I think there's like mannequin, and then there's tongs,

and then there's fully functioning robotic arm. The Hamza's quite expensive. The Abu Hamza. That's expensive. The Brasso alone, 20 grand a year. It's good for when you're on the tube. That though. It is. It is.

I'm disagreeing. My mum didn't get a bionic leg. Famously. No. She'd lose the bungalow. Peter K tour. She did get a bungalow. Peter K tour. She did get a bungalow. Peter Kay, 2035.

My mum didn't get a bionic leg. Mum wants a bionic leg tour. Yeah, she just got a, she just settled for the wheelchair, you know what I mean? And the bungalow. Yeah. Yeah, if you get a bionic leg,

it's not, you're not getting a bionic leg and a bungalow. That's a fact. There's a limit of what a NHS can do. If I had a bionic leg, I'd be fucking running everywhere, me, you know.

Yeah, but in a circle. That's a... You need two bionic legs, otherwise lefty's going to be really letting you down, isn't it? Well, this is what we do on Patreon, by the way. Yeah, if you haven't signed up to Patreon, it's mental how we always do this with the... It's just us on the public.

So bungalows are... I don't think we should podcast this early in the day, you know. Everyone's delirious. I honestly thought we'd come in and be a bit flat. And I feel... And then it's gone the other way with, like... Naughty. Lunacy.

I like bungalows underrated because they help the infirm. Fuck bungalows. They help the infirm. I'm just taking the opposite position. Bungalows are shit. My granddad lives in a bungalow. How much do you love being upstairs and being like, ah, I'd love to go downstairs.

I think bungalows are a waste of land, but they're good for people with one leg. That's my opinion. They're building a lot less now, aren't they? They're in demand. I think it would be better. It would be much better if you made houses into duplexes. So what would be the bungalow, the first floor,

is people with one leg, and then upstairs is people with three. You know what I mean? They love running upstairs. I'd say this about a bungalow. It's not good having a wank in the bedroom and then getting caught by the postman. You know what I mean? That's the problem with a bungalow, isn't it? You a wank in the bedroom and then getting caught by the postman. You know what I mean?

That's the problem with a bungalow, isn't it? All the private time, if you just forget the curtains... Does your postman come into your house? No. Are you letting the postman ruin your downstairs? If he walks past the front bedroom... Post the blinds? Yeah. Wank in the back bedroom?

Ah, yeah, cool. Sometimes the... Do you think in a bungalow, the bedroom is like in front of the front window? The bedroom would be at the back? No. Well, fuck face. I have lived in a bungalow

that has had a bedroom at the front. Same. My granddad's got a... That's madness. Front and back. It's just because my nana liked wanking and being seen. She was a bit before you

that was her though I haven't heard that about her right it's from Tam he just says the army underrated or overrated which one our one

the UK British army Ukrainian underrated underfunded oh yeah I think it's mad that not every country

has armies there's lots of countries that don't have armies like Sweden doesn't have an army has armies there's lots of countries that don't have armies like Sweden doesn't have an army what yeah there's no Swedish army

no some countries don't have armies and Sweden is one of them sorry sorry guys sorry I just don't want to

be sat here as a passenger while Harry looks like Harry looks like he's come back from the bar in Bar Bar and it's about back from the bar in Bar Bar.

And he's about to be the least popular person on a stag do. I'm assuming this is a Dan versus food. Dan versus food? That's the title? Dan versus food. Dan versus food. Today is versions of soup. Oh, no.

Soup as shots. Why have you done that? What do you mean? Even I wouldn't want these. You like soup? I do like soup, but I don't want to have them out of a shot glass. You have them out of a spoon? Out of a spoon?

You could just have a little sip. It is out of a spoon. Would you say off of a spoon? Yeah. In the bin, Harry. Off a fork, off a spoon. No, but it is off a fork, but it's out of a spoon.

A spoon is a container. Anyway, guys, let's put these to the side and talk about the army. We'll come back to the army, Dan. Are you sure? Yeah. I feel like this is not fair, you know. It's just soup.

It's just piss. It looks like a dying person's piss. We've got five different soups here, Dan. I can't tell you how much I wouldn't touch this one. We want you to sip them and say what you think they are and rate them out of 10. Get me a spoon. I'm not sipping.

Soup. Okay, one sec. We want a spoon. We've got a spoon. So, Harry, you know what each of these are, don't you? I don't want to do this. Dan's never had soup. Have you had any soup ever?

I've had tomato soup. I'm telling you right now, it tasted like the worst bit of a pizza. Okay, so this is tomato soup just by looking at it. So I've had that, so that's fine. That's not how it works. Do you want to introduce it, Adam, for the clip? Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of Dan vs Food. This is Dan Nightingale, 42-year-old man with food phobias, and this is the first time in his life that he's ever had soup.

Daniel, the production team have sort of fucked you over here because they've put soup in shot glasses and made them look less appealing than any soup I've ever seen in my entire life. That's cum, innit? I think that is cream of chicken soup. Not a fucking chance. That's not chicken cum, by the way. It's just chicken soup.

You're not allowed to tell them the answers either. Yeah, don't tell them. We're trying to get him to work out what they are. Dan! Just to get you an issue. Dan versus food. Go on, try a bit of the chicken cum. Full disclosure.

Go on. I have had tomato soup in my life. Oh, that's pathetic. Dan! Do you understand how food phobias work? No. I'm taking a mouthful of everything. Fuck off.

It's fine. What flavour is that? That's quite nice. That's tomato. One. And it's got a bit of herb in it. Yeah. It's like tomato and basil, I'd imagine.

It'll be tomato and basil, yeah. Herbdine. Yeah, tomato and herbdine. Right, all right. All right, cool. Harry, could you just get me some sort of cloth? Because I'm going to just wipe the spoon clean before, because I don't want them to mix them.

Tomato and herb Dean. Have you ever made soups? Yeah, I've got one. Yeah, but that's going to be scented, isn't it? What other ones are there, Carl? Right. Dan's fuming here, by the way. This is awful, lads.

This is awful. You're going to cry? Yeah. Maybe I am when I start retching. You just need some soup. Soup makes you feel better, famously. Sure. Thank you.

He's really not happy, and I can feel it coming off him. He's in a mood now. What flavour is this, Dan? Dan. Some sort of jizz. No, with all of its jizz, I promise you that.

Let me just do... No, no, no. I won't be able to do it. Just... Look, I'm not going mad. Right, that's what I would have done Go on What flavour is this Dan? Not sneak

What flavour are we saying that was baby? Come on baby you've barely touched your blueberry Honky poppy Classic What flavour are we saying that was, baby? Come on, baby. You've barely touched your blueberry honky-ponky. Classic. What flavour was that? I don't know. I didn't get taste.

I was appalled. Looks like mushrooms, mate. Chicken and mushroom, I think. Oh, God. Do you like chicken? Just mushroom, apparently. You love your chicken, don't you? It's basically like a blend of Nando's. Think of it like that.

Right, this one. Oh, I can tell what that is. Yeah, that looks lovely. Daniel liked that. It's quite chunky. Yeah. Bitty. Oh, don't sniff him. Oh, that one's lovely.

Have some of the chunks. This is getting worse, this game. Can we go back to hot dogs? What was that one, Dan? I don't know. Fucking awful. Smoky shit. Oh, it's P&M now.

A bit of cat sex soup. There you go. Two more I've stopped enjoying this game You're doing well Dan You're doing really well I'm doing terribly No but you're eating them

You're trying them They're awful We love you But you're trying them And that's the main thing You miss 100% of the shots You don't take I know

That's why I've not been taking them We love Michael Scott What are you doing? Whoops I think that's a bit of minestrone. It is. That's quite nice. Yes.

I mean, again, it's not quite nice. It's just not as absolutely horrific as whatever that one was. Like this last one's the best one. Oh, yeah. Here comes the air, the plane. John Travolta's. The plane. Choo, choo.

Choo, choo. It's what John Travolta does. What's this? It's the best one. It's a jump from all of us. What's this? It's the best one. It's lovely. You're a liar. No, that is probably the best one. What was that one, Harry?

That was chicken, that one. Right. Right, I get it. How do you feel? With some really nice tiger loaf or something, I could see how that minestrone and the tomato might be good. These three- You don't like cream of?

Beigey, creamy nightmares will never go anywhere near my face again. The thing is, you do like tomato-flavored stuff, and minestrones think tomato-based, and tomato soup is literally just blended tomatoes with basil in it. So that is just like tomato ketchup with a bit of jazz to it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Jazzy ketchup.

But it is, though. It's just warm tomato ketchup that you dip a bit of bread in. It's bread sauce. Out of 10, Dan? Minestrone, out of 10. Seven. Tomato, out of 10? Eight.

Wow. Not compared to... Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chicken cum. Whatever that was. Mushroom. Mush Eight. Wow. Not compared to... Of course. Yeah, yeah. Chicken cum. Whatever that was. Mushroom. Mushroom.

Right. Chicken and mushroom, minus three. Oh. Katzik? Katzik, two. Cum? Two.

Fucking bad. Mushroom worse than cum? That was... So you're not a soup guy? You knew I wasn't a soup guy yeah but we thought we might no you didn't I can see the lane we're going in now

it's gonna be like oh he's never had it but this will make him dry heave into a fucking bin nah next week we're not gonna let you have the bin we are content creators ladies and gentlemen that was another episode of Dan versus food please leave comments on either the clip that you're watching or on the full episode if that's where you're watching it

and let us know what food you would like Dan to try. If you're thinking, I don't know whether he's already tried it. He hasn't. So just comment any food you can think of. And as long as it's not Nando's or like chicken kebab from like the charcoal one, he hasn't had it. He likes chicken dinosaurs as well. He likes chicken normally,

which is weird because he does not like veggies. The last underrated, overrated is something he could maybe try. I think this is psychopathic behaviors. The army. It's from Aaron. He says,

a ketchup butty, just bread, butter, and ketchup. You ever had that before? No. I had a brown sauce butty when I was a kid. Do you know what, though? That sounds mental,

but, like, you can see the reasoning. Just pizza, right? Like, it's just like, oh, I like bread, bit of butter. What's wrong with a bit of... Just pizza? It's just pizza? It's pizza?

It's just cold pizza? Dan, you done well there. Well done, Dan. No, shut up. I don't accept that. I don't accept a brace. No, but you tried them all. They were awful. It was just awful. I don't accept that. I don't accept a brace. No, but you tried them all. They were awful.

It was just awful. Fine ass. I think it's time for a break. Keep saying that, and I won't do it anymore. It's all up to you. You what? I mean, ultimately it is.

Oh. Don't push him, honestly. He's fuming. Like, you can't feel the heat radiating off him. That's the tomato soup. And if you want to see the worst reaction so far, the Patreon special this month, where I try scouse. Which is out on the date of the Friday, the 13th.

Whoa. Oh, shit. And it isn't a scary one, by the way, if you're thinking that. It's not scary. I mean, some of it. Quite scary. Scary the day after. Yeah.

Yeah. Some of the phone calls in the coming days afterwards were scary. We're moving into the rap battle area of content creation. I can't wait to watch it again. There is a rap battle. Oh, my God. And comment below who you think the two participants of the rap battle where if you get it right you get a golden ticket for life yeah you gotta get both of them

break time let's do some simple pleasures pleasures I'd love to go clubbing. Brighton this weekend. One of my old absolute wrecker mates is coming down. She's married now and she's got kids, but she's been hyping it up like it's an absolute sesh. And I haven't got the heart to tell her, I'm like, I don't think that's really how this tour's going to be.

Oh! Is Brighton where you snogged a man? Do what? No, that was either Chelmsford or Colchester, Essex. Why do you think Brighton? 2000. Why do you think Brighton because it's got a massive

gay community yeah it wasn't a numbers game it wasn't like oh shit well I'm here and there's so many of them you've got to kiss one

I think that was just a confabulated memory of mine I went to a gay club when I was about 19 and a gay guy landed in for a kiss and I was like

I'll give this a try and I was wearing a Czech shirt and he was like oh look at you Madonna because there had been a try and I was wearing a Czech shirt and he was like oh look at you Madonna because there had been a Madonna video where she had a

cowboy shirt on and yeah all I thought was and that's why I've kissed him as well you know he goes hello Madonna

just very stubbly you know Madonna but his dick was really smooth so that's fine innit yeah I got a message

after the Southport going you were coked up sorry you could tell you were just all over the place were you what

what what do you mean you were saying what I don't know what to think Dan who's well you do don't you no no but you truly do

you love Lemo no I don't I did and famously it was a bit of a problem was it pills what was it pills oh dear Well, you do, don't you? No. No, but you truly do. You love Lemo? No, I don't. I did. And famously, it was a bit of a problem. Was it pills? What?

Was it pills? Oh, dear. Were you in the mirrors off your head? She was like, and you missed loads of your lines. You're like, you haven't seen the fucking show. You don't know what my lines are.

Have you seen a preview? It's true. Maybe you misunderstood what she was saying. She was like, you were coked off your head, but you'd have more lines to do. You hadn't done more.

Who watches someone like... You were coked, but it, but you'd have more lines to do. You hadn't done more. Who watches someone like... You were coked, but it wasn't like... If you think I'm more animated on stage than I am sat at a desk doing a podcast, you're absolutely right. I do. I move around more. Mad.

And also, who the fuck's this cunt who accost you? Hello. If you want to get charlied off your head, get charlied off your head. Like, I can tell you off. In the face. Because I'm your business partner and your friend. Carl can tell you off.

Your wife can tell you off. But little Miss Bo Peep from Southport can keep her opinions up her cunt, mate. tell you off. Because I'm your business partner and your friend. Carl can tell you off. Your wife can tell you off. But little Miss Bo Peep from Southport can keep her opinions up her cunt, mate. There you go. Little Miss Bo Peep went up the hill. Turn around, you big bitch. Bollocks! But I genuinely...

I was just trying to do my show. Yeah. Keep your nose fucking clean, love. And I will as well. Right. For simple pleasure... Are we still doing these?. Right. Come on. For simple pleasure. Are we still doing these? Just about.

All right. This is from Larson McSherry. No, it isn't. No, it isn't. I'm just reading what we've got here. Larson McSherry. Yeah. All right.

When the bartender goes to serve someone who queued after you and there you go. No, he was before me. Good guys. There you go. Do you know what my simple pleasure is? Being the guy who does that. Yeah. Yeah. I prefer. I? Being the guy who does that. Yeah. Yeah.

I prefer, I get like a guilt of accepting that, but getting to be the guy who goes, no, no bartender. You have fucked up. I think what you're doing here, sir, is just serving the most attractive person first and that's not okay.

You're trying to fuck me. Did I tell you what happened in Manchester with that? I was in Manchester with Celica and it was the first approach to the bar. We hadn't drank yet and they were just walking past me and I was like, with Celica and it was the first approach to the bar we hadn't drank yet and they were just walking past me and I was like

what the fuck it's like they were ignoring me I was like getting agitated and this group of lads approached the bar and they went to serve him

and I don't usually get pissed off I was like whatever but I've been there that long it seemed like they were doing it on purpose so I went hang on mate

I was like come on I've just been studying for like five minutes and the lad next to me went oh my god sensei carl and i went mate yeah do you want a drink i was like do you want a shot he's like yeah lad yeah i was like oh my god that was nearly a bad gobshite to a fan but uh i got away with it wait the fan was working no the fan was the guy who approached the bar was getting served i went no no i literally went no no no mate come on don't take the piss you know what though you're still var absolutely on the side because it's a piss

situation and this whole thing of being magnanimous he just walked in it you you hope you've got good bar staff because it is on the bar staff to just clock especially i used to work in a comedy club worked in two but when we worked at the Frog, it's very, very busy for the breaks. It's a weird bar to work because it's the perfect job when you want to be a comedian, as long as the bar is in the same room as the show, and it was great because you're like, right, hammer this for 25 minutes, and then everything chills out, and you get to watch the show basically.

Pretend you're cleaning up and everything. But if you don't keep an eye as the person working the bar on who's been there the longest, it just breeds that fucking awful atmosphere on the other side and then people start getting chippy. I take those simple pleasures both ways like that.

Is there any do's and don'ts? I think everyone has worked at a bar. Do not get a coin and do this. You're never getting served. No one carries cash anymore. No, but it used to happen a lot, like trying to get your attention, but like, lad, you can do that.

You are now back of the queue. If you click your fingers, Karen. Oh my God, it's so annoying. They do that. You're not getting served. It's never that. It's more like, eh, eh, eh. Hey, hey, hey.

You're not getting served. I told you about the that it's more like hey hey you're not getting i told you about i don't know whether i told yous about this or whether i saved it because i was gonna do it on the pod and i didn't want to do it at the time because it'd be obvious when it happened but um last year when i was sort of dating for a while i went on a date with a girl and left the date after like an hour and a half because she'd done that oh like on the date she went mate can we have some more drinks please and i went what are you doing she went they're just ignoring us i went we literally haven't tried to get anyone's attention and i went you know what i went because she'd ordered the drinks uh because i didn't want to do that in front of the waiter

so i when he brought them over i went can we just have the bill as well please shouldn't we go on somewhere else i went i'm just like this is not going to work it's horrible I literally just went to Pogues and I think Jack was there I just got off and went to Pogues much better date night Jack Finnegan in Pogues

I'm telling you what phenomenal don't tap don't click don't tip don't tap don't click just tip don't go like keep that lad if

it's like 5p or whatever don't act like billy big bollock saying keep that because i'll just go 5p mate oh yeah if i'm i've done that before yeah if i'm on a bar obviously like not for a while but like if someone's like keep that lad and it's like less than 50p yeah Yeah. Like 50p, you're like, that's a tip. You know what I mean? If it was less than 50p, like 20 pence. Keep that, lad. I'd be like, you don't want your 20p back, lad? No? Yeah.

I'll just put it in my jar, lad. Nice one. Appreciate it. Like, I'll make a fucking point. My baby's going to have nappies this week. People comment below, 20p's not your money. Yeah, but you haven't, if you've worked in bars,

you understand if you haven't, you won't. Yeah, because what they're doing is like showing off. They're like, yeah, you keep that. You're like, what, 50? Yeah. Yeah.

It's not a cool move. Yeah. Just stand in line. Hopefully you're getting served first. Be cool. Be nice. Tip if you want. You don't have to always tip.

People think you have to tip for every round. Of course you don't. If they haven't earned it, then don't tip them. And if you're 17, you're thinking, I need a part-time job. Get a job in a bar. Just pick the don't. If they haven't earned it, then don't tip them. And if you're 17 and you're thinking, I need a part-time job, get a job in a bar.

Just pick the right one. Get a job in a comedy club. It's well better. Such a great job. And if you work in a bar and people are coming in with big rounds, when they order the big round,

whatever their total is, add a pound to it and put that pound in your tip jar and tell nobody. If it says £27.50, that's £28.50 that means. Put £28.50 on a card machine,

put the receipt in the till, take a pound out the till and put it in your tip jar. And if your boss goes, oh no, that's not how it works. The cash is one thing and the card's another thing. It's an absolute lie.

I've managed to not remotely, it's not a problem for anybody. As long as the receipt... It's to stop people doing it, that's what the problem is. Yeah, but just do it because there's nothing... You can't cash out of cards.

You can't. I was on double time at every bar I worked, apart from the frog and bucket, where, you know, I had a career to think of. I've never done that. Right. Next one is from Biddy Myth. When your heart drops because you thought you forgot something,

but when you start looking, you find it immediately. When your heart drops? I don't ever want to have my heart oh you know where this does get me if i'm like 20 minutes down the road yes and i go oh shit and i'm like did i put it in my coat pocket yeah like that yeah that is a sweet relief but i said relief is a pleasure and you said it wasn't not so long ago okay oh well carl can you stop holding us account to things we've said on previous episodes because Yeah, that is a sweet relief. But I said relief is a pleasure and you said it wasn't not so long ago. Okay. Oh. Well, Carl,

can you stop holding us account to things we've said on previous episodes because otherwise it's not going to be a fucking show, mate. Just saying. We're hypocrites. We talk shite

and we staunchly defend opinions and then change them two weeks later. Pack it in. Yeah. Africa's doing great. That's next one. Oh, I can still taste

fucking chicken and mushroom and cheese. You can't say Africa's doing great and then follow it up with, I can still taste chicken. You're not allowed to do that. That's also a nice taste. I can still taste chicken. Oh.

I can taste joy. Oh, salty stuff. Chicken tips. That's the default name of a chicken guff. Chicken joy? Yeah. Go Joy. That's the default name of a chicken gaff. Chicken Joy? Yeah. Go on. Connor Denton.

When you were a kid and found the toy at the top of a cereal box without having to dig for it. I like digging me. I like to feel unfair. Is that a bit retro? Because, I mean, we're talking my childhood on that. No, we did that too. Oh, really?

Yeah. Do you remember back in the day? Back in the day for me and you, you were probably like in your third year of uni. That is not, he's not even, that's not hyperbole.

That sounds like a slammer, that's probably, do you remember when they started to put on like, didn't get to third year. Like proper banknotes in crisp. In crisp, yeah.

You find a five pound note. In the little foil? Yeah. Did you ever win one though? And you'd get like a, yeah. Did you? I never won. I got, I won a fiver and a five pound note. In the little foil? Yeah. Did you ever win one though? And you get like a... Yeah. Did you? I never won.

I won a fiver and a 20 pound. How were they folded? They weren't. They were in a little plastic. They were folded into a square? Yeah, but it was in a little plastic pouch. That's to not contaminate. Were they long?

Cheetos? They were in Cheetos? You got them at Walker's? I think they were in Cheetos or maybe Cheetos was the pogs. Pogs, mate. Pogs in your cornflakes. You've smashed it, haven't you?

Mate, any little packet in a... Like, I honestly still love those unsalted crisps, even though... Salt and shake. Salt and shake. Yeah, even though when you did it yourself, you'd get one slug killer of a crisp that was covered in fucking salt

and the others would be bland as shit. You're not shaking enough, mate. Like an old man, I know you're not shaking enough. Hang on an old man I know, you're not shaking enough You're just getting salt Second bits I didn't put just that packet on though, salt and shake

was only in the house and I got the salt shaker and pepper I didn't do it for every bag of crisps Ready salted, not salted enough Ready salted are salted enough but there's not enough salt in a salt and shake packet to salt a full bag of crisps. That's the mistake you were making.

You were putting it in and shaking it, and it was sticking to one crisp, because that's all there's enough for. I was a bit of a stickler for the rules. You're not beating the Kellogg's football bowl either that you got. Oh. You had to beat me, Scran, out of that.

Remember that? I've still got one. It was green inside, and it was footy on the outside. Yeah. Oh. Smarties did a if you they did a purple Smarties thing

where the cap was purple if you collected five of them and sent them to Smarties you got visors you got visor sunglasses that rolled up

you know the things you snap on your wrists you got it you rolled it and it gripped onto your face and you look like a early 90s

futuristic douchebag and this is how long ago that is over 30 years ago and I still remember it as one of the greatest free things of all of these things

we're talking about it was so amazing when that turned up like in the post yeah they posted it oh god it was so bad and great

I wanna go conker picking yep cool I wanna go and get some conkers and I wanna film bad and great. I want to go conker picking. Yep. Cool. I want to go and get some conkers and I want to film and knock out conker tournament. I bet you're a fucking evil conker player. Have I missed five minutes? Have I just passed out?

No, it's just the retro. I've never even screeched. I've never played conkers because it was banned at our school. It's not halal. Yeah. Conkers are not halal, fuck. it was banned at our school it's not halal yeah Conkers are not halal fuck it was banned at our school

yeah because it's violent isn't it by the time we got there though it was done what tree is it is it oak trees am I being stupid conker trees

are they called conker trees they're literally called conker trees yeah no they're not yes they are what's the type of tree like conservatories that's what you find in tories blood there's a tree's dumped a load around ours and then i was like i've got to bring etta and you're like she will just go what's all this shit on the

floor we knew the secret gaff over the wall in the park no corte is a while from ours corte's the gaff for Conkers in Liverpool though I didn't go there mate by the rosies over the wall mate there was trees there untouched

you have got yeah but you were there so they weren't untouched no you've got you've got no idea what you're missing I was not like you haven't been to Conker World

oh there's Conker World Corte Parc is Conker World Scousers comment on this fucking episode Corte Parc people travelled from far and wide. Yeah.

It's people from Newcastle-under-Lyme. Come on, all the way to Liverpool for the conkers. And that's where we went. We went for a place far and wide. Whey! Staffordshire. I've got a fucking great conkers, why not? Chestnut.

Is it chestnut tree? Yeah. Thank fuck for that. Conker tree, though. I thought it was going mental. They're chestnuts. Right. Last simple pleasure.

This is one I put. Control them say that finn why because you you've made it up it says my name on it all right okay no the other ones are all from other people i just thought of one so i okay yeah no we'll judge you load in the base it probably is but it's one for me i like being in control of the music when we're out with people or we're in the lobby. That's just a simple pleasure of mine. Dictating the mood, being the DJ. I don't... I like listening to my music, but I don't like sort of forcing it on other people.

The pressure of putting it on other people. He doesn't like forcing it on other people. No, no, I'm the same. Do you like that? If we're in my car... Yeah, then. Yeah, and I'll put it on sometimes, but you just all kick off because you've got no taste. He doesn't like forcing it on other people. No, no, I'm the same. Do you like that? If we're in my car. Yeah, then. Yeah. And like, I'll put it on sometimes,

but he's all kick-off because you've got no taste. He wants hip-hop. You want a bit of country music, you know what I mean? A bit of harp, a bit of soul. He's all over there fucking with his...

Doris Day. He's got no taste. I don't like it. I dragged you to Nashville, introduced you to the fucking greatest music scene on the planet. And we had a great time and the second car

he texted me and said if I hear another country song or countryfied cover of a non-country song I'm going to blow my head off he said that

like minutes after landing in the UK yeah because they ram it down your dickhole do it in the airport

it's too the pilot was there. Oh, shit. I need to post this back to the UK. I'll go to the post office. It's everywhere. It's stupid country. Like, I tell you what, though.

With a few fucking bevs in you. It's good then. When you're at a bar that is doing like, do you know? That guy that was on. The covers. The I Will Survive guy I'll remember him forever

yeah he was incredible oh my god the fella on the keyboard remember this yeah yeah yeah and then they were like and then they were like you know

they do Dr. Dre next episode as a fucking country song you're like this is amazing that was good and then they go oh we'll play Luke Combs

you're like I don't know it yeah Cult 45 was my highlight when they did that I was like Alfie's mate when we took him back to

he took us to all the cool bits of East Nashville and then we were like yeah this has been and it had been dead cool that first bar is one of my favourite bars I've ever been in

it was unbelievable it felt like we were in a film it was so good and then by the third one you're like yeah I am a tourist there's no point me

being too cool for school we'd only been in Nashville three days two days I am a tourist. There's no point me being too cool for school. We'd only been in Nashville three days, two days. I had a cowboy hat on. Yeah, so going down to Broadway. Probably going to the tourist stuff, I'm like. Oh, I loved it. Henry, think I'm gonna wear a cool shirt on? Going to fucking Betty and Wright?

I honestly, everywhere we went drinking was fucking brilliant. I was right. Get that first first the truck stop gaffed on the food was great the berries were great Sandra Bullock

Sandra Bullock was serving not just your sideberry and rye with most salad on your back that is what we were doing yeah gaff I loved it but

the best big book easy the best big book hunter oh make sure you cut that bit out when he fluffed that yeah

the best big book hunter we were playing darts adders as they call it Big Buck Hunter. Oh, my God. Make sure you cut that bit out when he fluffs that. Yeah. Ha-ha! The best Big Buck Hunter. We were playing darts. Arras, as they call it. Yeah, they call it arras. Finn? Yeah. Yeah, let's do some pet peeves.

Pet peeves. That doesn't have to be my head in. You can't talk over you talking. It sounds so mental. Well, I can't hear me talking because you won't let me listen. Have you heard this one? Yeah, I've heard it, yeah.

Yeah. That doesn't have to my head in right confession robbie davis pet peeve dropping something into the bottom of the dishwasher oh and you've got to pull the thing out yeah and it's like sunken yeah i literally never used the dishwasher. I've never, I don't think I, I don't know. Do you have one? Yeah, we do.

That's a disgrace. Her name's Laura. She, I don't think she wants me anywhere near the dishwasher. She does. She doesn't. I think you've made that up. Yeah, I think,

but it suits me to believe it. Do you know what's worse than that? Is dropping something down the side of your seat in your car. Yeah. Or the seat here. The cushions here, these shit. No, but like in your car, not like in here. You've accidentally lost something momentarily

and you're like, where's that going? You find it down the seat. In your car, you hear it drop and you're like, I've got to learn like full hot yoga to get that fucking thing back yeah stuff can actually go

under my seat in my car and it genuinely is gone until someone takes the seat yeah but that's a disgrace

start loading the dishwasher the worst thing about the dishwasher by the way is unloading it later I like it when it's still hot no because you've got to dry it then I'll unload it three days later when it's dried itself I know what you mean no but it is dry when it's still hot no because you've got to dry it then I'll unload it three days later when it's dried itself

I know what you mean no but it is dry when it's finished if it's hot it's not dry is it no it is dry I know what you mean it feels wet but it isn't two days later when it's bone dry it's harsh right okay

next one from Laura having to give your email to get a receipt in a shop yeah I just don't fuck them Laura Disgrace. Next one from Laura. Having to give your email to get a receipt in a shop. Yeah. I just don't. Fuck them. They're not having it. Paper's okay for me.

Make no worries. Unless it's a high ticket item. That you don't want to lose the receipt for. Yeah. Oh, yeah. If you're spending a grand on a TV, then let's, I want you to have the proper receipt.

Yeah, but if it's like a fucking... I think there should be an option of like, do you just not want the receipt? Yeah, no, I don't want the receipt. But what if you're walking out to Curry's with a 60-inch TV and the security guard doesn't believe you've paid for it? Right, again, if it's TV, I do want the receipt. Can I do that in Costco?

The checker? I went yesterday. Go there the first time. What did you do? There's two different ways. I went the first time, shit myself, bought 10 Kinder Buenos and left. And then the other day,

spent £250 on a covered covered heated Maiden for me house with some muffins. Yeah, Laura's bit, yeah. So we went and we did a sort of- Wrecky. Yeah, we did the wrecky one. While Laura's like, I want you to come with me

because I don't know how it works. It's literally like trying to get in a prison. She was like, oh, it's going to be dead, man. It's just a person going, just beat the car there. Nice one. And then on the way out. So we went in straight to the tvs they know what they're doing with that the one in the straight right in the front i need a new tv there's a there's a netflix documentary about costco that's someone right i actually

think i need a new telly my one's on the blink the one in the living room the one in the bedroom's great go to costco how much discount are we talking here? Like what prices? It depends. Some things are cheaper, some things aren't. I mean, if you're into it, you'd have to price it up. But if you're a business, you're getting the VAT back, aren't you? So that's a bit of a discount. That's 20% of the... Yeah.

Yeah, I can see a bigger TV coming. So what was the... Few Christmas presents. We just saw two things that were like spot on for the kids and then a massive load of... Can't we talk about pambes? I saw a couple of things for Christmas for you lot as well.

Like good little... You know, because we usually do about three or four presents, don't we? Is it better now than taking me to Vegas? Yeah.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, yeah. No, it isn't. Shit. Yeah. Go on to Moon. A full pack of mac and cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'll love it. What? You must have bought yourself something. I bought some bottles of mac and cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll love it. What? You must have bought yourself something. I bought some bottles of red Peroni. Because I don't see them very often. Red Peronis? One of my favourite lagers. Okay.

It's like the Italian one, isn't it? Did you get loads? It's like a case of 12 or something. It's just more... But I didn't go for it. It's a more bitter lager. It's like for people who love lager,

essentially. No, I don't think it is. I think it's dead nice. I think it's smoother. I don't know. I love it. It's less mass marketable, which is why it's less popular.

The big budget thing in there is the Lair Pack. You can get butter. Do you know how expensive butter is now? Like Lair Pack. You can get like a fucking six litre tub for six quid.

I nearly fell over. Right, but it takes up a whole shelf of your fridge. Yeah, but you don't need to buy any more. We bought 48 cans of beans, didn't we? Why? I don't know. We buy beans all the time. So we thought we'll buy loads.

How often do you eat beans? Not as often as 48 cans. They're still in there. When was the last time you opened a can of beans three days ago I had a jackpotato with beans the problem is it the problem with it is

you've got to know you use it because we genuinely got some mac and cheese because the kids love pasta they both went nah I don't like it because whatever but we now have

we have got four packs of it yeah like the American one there's a weird discipline to Costco where you can't just wander around and go oh that looks good because they won't let you just buy one

it's a fucking multi-pack yeah we bought 80 bags of crisps as well yeah but I could do that in three sittings yeah

oh the bakeries oh mate the muffins are nasty oh I'm gonna have to go and come and report back I'm getting like FOMO of Costco here. We should record it, Will.

I think if you ask at the bakery, because Rummy's Mrs. works there, Helen works there, if you ask, can I have a 64 cookies thing, they don't just have them on the shelves. I think it's £12.99 for 64 cookies. I don't understand Costco. It's the best guy. I don't understand. And I don't know why you need 64 cookies. I don't understand Costco. It's the best guy.

I don't understand. And I don't know why you need 64 cookies. There's a documentary on Netflix about it. They're worth a quarter of a trillion, no, billion pounds, 250 bill they're worth. Who? Costco.

Yeah, they're nailing it. Cost of a trillion. Cost of a trillion, because they make 90% of their money from the memberships people pay to just get in the doors. Right, I'm in. You'll love it. I like it. And you'll buy shit wanted but you'll yeah you'll eat in the car on the way

i'd clear a room because it's it's bulk yeah and that's costco ladies and gents uh adam baker says people who don't peel the foil all the way off of the can of pringles or tub of butter do you peel it all the way off or do you leave it so then it's like a little lid that still stays on? Is his pep peeve someone who doesn't do that? All the way off? Yeah.

No, it's just an extra layer of protection, isn't it? I leave it on and Sarah does it and peels it off and puts it in the bin but I'm like, it's a foil to keep the freshness.

I can understand why someone's annoyed by it but genuinely, I don't care either way. So I don't think he's nailed this one. Okay. I don't care either way if someone does it or he's nailed this one okay I don't care either way

if someone does it or doesn't but I always leave it half on because it's a foil yeah it's just piss okay

right last one this is from Llywelyn Lloyd it's like saying in winter people who have the t-shirts under the jumpers what

do it again Llywelyn Lloyd no it's not it is Llywelyn Lloyd Llywelyn Lloyd what happens if you're Welsh and you can't make that noise you'd go Llewelyn Lloyd? No, it's not. It is. Llewelyn Lloyd? Llewelyn Lloyd. What happens if you're Welsh and you can't make that noise?

You'd go Llewelyn Lloyd, I think. What happens if you're, like, East Asian and you haven't got the dexterity for chopsticks? I was literally thinking about this yesterday.

I went for ramen yesterday on my own in Covent Garden and it was on before my gig. Lonely ramen? Huh? Lonely ramen. Lonely ramen quite it's quite a regular thing for me oh yeah yeah like i'm on my own a ramen's one of my go-to and like i don't know if you've noticed like i don't know whether it's a racism thing or whether it's just like a cultural thing from the people. But East Asians are very lonely.

There's loads of them just bobbing about on their own. Have you ever noticed? You've not noticed that? There's rather places in Japan where you don't even see a human. I'll tell you this, I have never seen a Chinese throuple. Fact. No, but like, you see East Asians on their own more than any other race, I think. It's a bit, yeah.

Right, what I'm going to a bit, yeah. Right. What I'm going to do here... In the UK. What I'm going to do here, I'm going to keep my eye out for lonely Southeast Asians. Honestly. No, I will.

Honestly. I haven't been putting together the data to really argue with you on this. So, like, I think that subconsciously is why ramen's my lonely choice because I'm, like, in there and I'm going to be accepted.

They're just going to be like, he's sort of like us. They say there's ramen gaffes in Japan where you don't even see a human. It's a hatch. Yeah. And you can go in and pay on a machine and stuff.

Who's the ethnicity that are always together? Travellers? I mean, yeah, travellers are often in a group. The other Asians. Black guys,

black guys are often in a group together. The other Asians as well, they're very family orientated, aren't they? Yeah. But East Asians are just bobbing about on their own, doing their own thing. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing. The other Asians as well, they're very family orientated, aren't they? Well, East Asians are just bobbing about on their own,

doing their own thing. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's just an observation. Next time I see some Chinese people in a group, I'm going to go up and go, hey, good for you. Good for you.

Because they've made friends. No, but like, maybe they don't want friends. Although, Japan does have the highest suicide rate in the world and maybe it's because they're lonely. Japan doesn't have the highest

suicide rate in the world. It does? It doesn't. I googled it. We googled it the other day on pod. Oh, did've been held... Japan does have the highest suicide rate in the world and maybe it's because they're lonely. It doesn't have the highest suicide rate in the world. It does? It doesn't. I googled it. We googled it the other day on pod. Oh, did you? Yeah. I was there.

It was there, wasn't it? Tell me to google it. It was Wales, because they can't pronounce... If you're called Lloyd Chloe and you're from

Llanelli and he brings it over and you get that big stupid ladle that they make you drink soup with rather than just giving you the spoon. The broth. The big broth ladle that you'd have drink soup with rather than just giving you the spoon. The broth, the ladle. The big broth ladle that you'd have to fucking, like you're tasting a bolognese

before it's ready. It's good though, isn't it? Just give me a spoon. But I'm not going to fight them on that because it does, it's functional, right? Right. And then he brought me chopsticks

and as he put the chopsticks down, I could see him look at me as if to go, you want a fork, don't you? Is that alright for you here? You're going to, you're going to ask are you? don't like for you yeah you gonna you gonna ask are ya nice one nice one mate

I let him go away because I didn't want to immediately go bring me a fork then I went over to him and I was like yeah right mate do you mind if I have a fork

please and I could see in his eyes that he's like I knew you'd come crawling back you little fucking shit house right he would call you a gaijin no wonder they got no mates.

They're very aggressive people. Rude. So I've tried, you tried to teach me chopsticks. Yeah. And other, I think Jack's tried to teach me chopsticks as well. It's easier than Jack.

Right? But here's the thing. I've got really bad dexterity. Right. Like I'm not dexterous at all. It bothers me. Like it's been a part of my health anxiety before because I'm like

why are my fingers sticking together and stuff. I'm really bad with it. So what if you're a Asian? Because they don't have forks. So what do they do?

Do you make their hands into forks? That's what Abu Hamza did. He just went somewhere to put his coat. Get missing the coat hanger. You just kept getting really bad scratches.

I think you're nailed on for a bionic arm you've got the money 20 grand a year fucking Adam's dexterity is all over the place

you hold one of them like a pencil it doesn't move but I hold pencils weird like that I've seen him sign

the Patreon posters make them sharpies get swatted yeah this one's broke next one one pair poster shit I've just damaged that

yeah so that that instruction doesn't help me because I don't know all pencils like you do right you hold one like a pencil and you move the other one

Finn's dying to do this are you poised to do the Lloyd Llewellyn no I'm just I'm enjoying the chat one should move's dying to do this. Are you poised to do the Lloyd Llewellyn? No. I'm just, I'm enjoying the chat. One should move, one should stay still.

Yeah, I know. I've seen it happen. I just can't do it. Boss, I don't know. I can eat rice with it and that's how you know you're a G.

But like, I don't know why. It's just stubbornness from the East Asian community. It isn't. Spoons and forks have been invented now. That was all sound

back in 1220 before the fork. He's saying this to the other Asians who eat with their hands. What do you mean? There's Asians who eat with their hands. Yeah, that works dead well. That's worse. But that works dead well.

Yeah, it's easy. Like, you can eat. Yeah, but then you get an old sauce and shite on your hands. You just wash them. Who's having crispy chilli beef with their fingers? What are you talking about? Tell me it wouldn't taste better. It wouldn't taste better?

My hands would be all sticky. Give me a fork and you should have a better. It wouldn't taste better? My hands would be all sticky. Give me a fork and you should have a fork. He can't go any higher. I know this is disrespectful to an entire culture. I understand that. But fuck them.

It's bollocks. It's stupid. It's stubbornness and stupidity. There is no way that chopsticks are more functional than forks and spoons.

So what are we doing? Who are we trying to impress here? The Emperor of Japan. Fuck you, whoever you are. Whoa, I've been to his house. Whatever. Sounds like a concept.

Did he have to let you in? Just walk in. No, I went to his gardens. Wasn't loud in his house. Right, cool. Maybe they just like it. It's tradition and they just enjoy it. Tradition is a huge thing, though.

Yeah, exactly. But tradition's stupid. Tradition for everywhere, not just East Asia. I think I've put it in the enjoy it. Tradition is a huge thing though. Yeah, exactly. But tradition's stupid. Tradition for everywhere, not just East Asia. I think I've put it in the fucking bin. Tradition. And you know what else can go fuck itself? Etiquette.

You know, etiquette, I think, is just such a way to keep like working class people in their fucking box. You know when you go to a fancy restaurant and they go, right, there's seven forks there, seven knives there.

You figure out which one's for each course. Bollocks. Just bring me a new fork and a new knife with each course. Why are you, no, no, let the poor people, let's see if they know which fork it is. Because it's etiquette. Oh, put your napkin on your lap.

Fuck off. You work outside then, don't you? I don't give a shit what you're meant to do. Do you see me with soup? I can't go to one of them restaurants. Etiquette's bollocks. I agree. Apart from when you try and get served,

then please, some etiquette. Where'd you put your napkin? Just leave it there and just wipe my face and I get saucy. Why? Why are posh people rubbing their fucking starters all over their cocks? Why is it going to be down there?

It's in case you drop it, isn't it? Don't drop it. I don't drop it because I've got a fork and not chopsticks. There was one point there where he was going so high-pitched, I thought we were going to lose him. I do agree. Like, I had lobster in... They give you pliers.

In Capri. They give you pliers. They gave me pliers. I was like, lad, just give me the meat. Yeah, lad, here's a pliers, a blackened decker, drill. Do you know why I think they do that with lobster they do that because lobster is so expensive they're like trying to prove it's a lobster yeah so it's not just a fucking fish finger

i think that that's what they're doing but now look i'll believe you if i'm paying enough in a fancy restaurant i believe that it's a fucking lobster get it out of its fucking gaff and give it to me like as the meat yeah he gave me a pair of pliers a brad all and a philips head screwdriver i mean they are like there's your scrum and i was like dinosaur crack it tidbit give me a fucking like ikea like i was like i don't know what to do and i was missing out to the meat cause of it. And I felt awful smashing his head to bits as well. Look at me. I got a family. He was blue. He was heavy.

Awful. You don't have red ones. I had the blue lobster. They're the best. So what did Lloyd want? Llywelyn. Llywelyn. Llywelyn wanted...

Llywelyn from Llywelyn. He's an absolute lizard. Go on. When you have to use a regular toilet for a piss and the toilet seat, when you put it up, does the thing where it just falls use A regular toilet for a piss And the toilet seat When you put it up Does the thing where It just falls down every time

I'll piss on the toilet seat Yeah I'll put it up once It falls down I'll put it up again And then if it falls down A second time Fill me once

Shame on you Fill me twice I'm pissing on your toilet seat I don't put them up George Bush I just forget I just forget it's an option What?

I just don't put toilet seats up You're vile You know you don't Watch a load of dishwasher You don't load You don't load a dishwasher And you piss all over the toilet seat No one else

You want to suck you off No less Do them two things Your cock will be fucking Don't piss on the toilet Load it up It'll piss you off It's just piss.

Carl knows women. Except for this stupid bitch in Adam's DMs. Wow. I thought we were going in a different direction with that sentence. And I was about to take umbrage with you, sir. But I agree. Don't piss on the toilet seat. Don't do it.

No, don't do it. I think Frank Bruno. No, no, no. That's not good. Don't piss on my daughter. Go on. I'm going to do some advice. I'm going to be firing up

for some advice. You have a button that makes that voice flow in. Round the south end. Some advice, go. I don't believe it. You have a button that does that voice.

No, I don't believe it. Oh, shut up. Can I have the deep voice, Dan? I love it, please Right, right, right Let me find sexy Dan And then give me a deep voice Oh, you want a deep voice?

Let me find yours, you sexy I don't even know what this sounds like Oh, baby Why are you doing that on top of the Twitter? It's actually even better Love, have you put weight on? Yeah, yeah I think we're wearing this Fuck what? Fuck what? right sorry confessions advice oh yeah advice stop being a prick Have a great one on tour

you're going to absolutely fucking smash it It's going to be good I've just been going to clubs all we can kick and fuck out of them Yeah This man's on form.

Laura wants to come and see you at the Empire. Can I be there as well? Yeah. Lovely. Right, so. What date is it? Saturday the 9th of March. Damn.

And there'll be an after party. Week before your birthday. That'll be the last time I have a pint before the Paris Marathon. Anonymous advice. Did you see the guy who got in the comments? It's like, Adam, it's a little different than a 6K run. Ida, carb load. I was like, yeah, that'll fix it.

A big pasta the night before, he'll smash it. Man does 5K three times a week. He's like, yeah, you just need a carbonara. Someone else commented though and said he did four weeks training and done it in four hours and 17 minutes

and that's filled me with a lot of confidence to be honest with you yep that was Haile Gabriel Selassie who's already like

fucking there or not sounds like a Galatasaray player sounds like Galatasaray anonymous advice I'm pig scum and have been for many years i'm leaving the job within the next month on really bad terms one thing they've forgotten because you've been non-corrupt take that the man um is that the best way of saying that you non-corrupt scum upstanding

one thing they've forgotten I still have access to the official Twitter account for the force I'm in how can I go out with a bang so he's got like

the regional police his police the CIA killed Martin Luther King tweet that no but it's gotta be

you know like that Victor Anishibie tweet and it was like to be you know like that victor anachievi tweet and it was like can you tweet something like great support from the fans today do something along those lines so it looks like a really bad admin error like something that the police has been in trouble for a load of times i don't know you know like institutional racism or something like that can you tweet something like we are not racist in that can you just tweet something that shows that we've got a lot of love for the black community and if anything like we're in favour of them

rather than just killing them needlessly something awful like that yeah yeah I'd love to know which police force or call Les Devons

a horse they blocked you because if it's like Lanarkshire that's not going to make a load of sense is it please please do that one

do that just for me and carl make our lives 100 complete that's it we've clocked the world then if you just tweet we are looking into serious allegations that former family fortunes host less than this is actually a horse do it you get loads of retweets as well nice right we've got a couple of confessions i love how round the houses you go with it. You give everything a little. Small response. Fuck, small response. I don't want to burn all of it.

No army. Sweden. Confessions. Yeah. A lot of nations haven't got armies. Sweden has not got an army. Is Germany allowed one now? No.

You know, after the... They haven't got an army. They're part of the UN, aren't they, which is basically a big army. They've got an air force, though, again. Who? The Germans? The Luftwaffe, yeah. They took them a long time to be allowed to fly planes. the part of the UN aren't they which is basically a big army they've got an air force though again who? the Germans the Luftwaffe

yeah they took them a long time to be allowed to fly planes you know because of the the Luftwaffe

I thought it was a biscuit it's not a biscuit the ones that you put on top of the thing in Amsterdam what's that? I don't know but it's not

the German air force Stroopwafel Stroopwafel that's it yes two Luftwaffels please with cream yeah No, but it's not the German Air Force. Stroopwafel. Stroopwafel, that's it. Two Luftwafels, please, with cream. Yeah.

A little side of Mein Kampf. Mein Storch, of course. Anonymous, as per. Ey up, lads. Just got caught by a mate of mine drying my bellend under the hairdryer in the pub. I've been shaking it for a good 30 seconds, but it was still sopping. You need to wee for longer, bruv.

You're not, it's not, your dick's not leaking. You're still weeing. Sopping. How, it's, it's a semi-porous membrane. You love porous. It couldn't be sopping wet. It would just. It could be if you're still pissing.

You can't drain your bellend like a fucking tea towel yeah what's he on about doing the dishes with his cock bellend sopping wet you can't what there's no way the only i hate calling bullshit on the submissions but there's no way unless he'd done it for the laugh and he knew his mate was coming in the toilet and he's like, do you know what? I'm going to wind John up here

and get me cock out and put it under that fucking air dryer. There's no way he was like, do you know what? I've tried to shake this. I'm just going to have to use the fucking hand dryer. Bollocks.

He's still pissing. Oh, I bet it feels nice. No, it doesn't. I burned Bellend. No. I'll burn you Bellend if you want. Thanks. If you were horny,

a bit of a breeze, I wonder if you can make yourself comfort with a breeze. Oh, a breeze. For breeze. I genuinely thought the first thing you said was for breeze. You can, because your bellend's on show. I wonder if there's such a thing as like an airgasm. You've left it like two weeks, maybe.

I don't think. Two weeks? I don't know. By the way, this morning, so like obviously every morning I still wake up with like a boner, but like if I don't deal with it, it just goes away quite quickly. This morning, I fell asleep on the train from Houston with a fucking absolute stonk on.

And when I woke up 10 minutes before we got to Crewe, it was fucking harder, if anything. I had a fucking hour and a half erection going from Euston to fucking Crewe. Did the conductor ask for his ticket? Oh, by the way, that can fuck off as well. Go on. Genuinely.

A ticket and the ticket this really pissed me off today right i got on the train at houston at r5 this morning very very early the first train and there's people checking your tickets as you get on the train right so they check and then they go yeah go through the gate or whatever right get on the train i got me fucking jumper out my bag and and made like a pillow with it yeah so i could get a nap on the train. I got me fucking jumper out me bag and made like a pillow with it. So I could get a nap on the train. I put me coat hoodie over me eyes because it was so bright in the train carriage.

And I started going to sleep. And then the fucking ticket inspector comes around and he goes, mate, you know what? I need to see your ticket. Ticket, please. Everyone, tickets. Dead loud. And I was like, I got checked four minutes ago

by you, I think, or someone who looked like you. Why are you waking me up for? It's half five in the morning. Your job's worth. Come fuck off. And then every fucking time we're approaching a fucking station, we're now approaching Ashby.

Why? Anyone who needs to know knows. He's not using the intercom anymore. He comes on and shouts it. Hey! Hey! Lad! Wake up! Ashby! De la zoosh. Don't be adding. Yeah, he sounds annoying.

Shouldn't be waking people up on a train who've just had their tickets checked. It's half five in the morning, you fucking stupid... I know that's your bald cunt, but I don't remember you being there. Alright, you can call him a bald cunt. You've remembered! Oh yeah. Some of your can call them a bald club. You've remembered? Oh yeah. Some of your best friends are bald. You're allowed to slag them off.

At least your mates will be bald. You don't act bald, don't you know what I mean? Bald is such a like, you know what I mean? It's a state of mind. You do not act bald. A state of mind?

Yeah. Bald's like the man, Karen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is the man is it Graham what is it it's Kevin

oh is it Kevin doesn't feel like it should be Kevin Darren a Darren Dean I reckon not like I think Karen

and Dean it says Richard oh I think Graham's Richard and Ken are the two popular ones apparently if any woman I cared about said I'm gonna like Dean Coughlin sound he's like the exception to two popular ones apparently if any woman I care about said I'm gonna

like Dean Coghlan sound he's like the exception that proves the rule but if any woman I was like friends with or like close with family or whatever

was like hi I've got a new fella his name's Dean I would immediately not approve yeah Percival biggest cunt name

on the planet that Percival as well oh alright Dean oh yeah all the time Percival get well soon

Amy um should we call that a pod yeah buy tickets to the quiz there's like 30 left it's on Monday

today is Saturday via Patreon the more tickets sell the more prizes we give away so tell your mates to buy them and you could win a thousand pounds where can they get tickets go

they can get tickets at the link in the description it's also at chaotic quiz on Twitter you'll see it on my Twitter Adam Steeze if you look for the link in the description. It's also on at chaoticquiz on Twitter. You'll see it on my Twitter,

Adam Stees. If you look for the link, you will find it. Sell the last tickets, you get better prizes. Simple. Sign up to the Patreon, patreon.com slash have a word pod.

It is the best deal. There's a reason we're the biggest patron in the UK and one of the biggest in the world. The patron special this month, the guide to Liverpool. I didn't know how it would pan out and while it was happening I didn't understand it

and in the aftermath I had PTSD it is one of the weirdest days we've all spent with each other and at the end we shared a moment

where we were like we're done I'm gonna go and everyone sort of went their separate ways and I swear to God I've never seen anything like it

and you end dressed as you either way that is not by no stretch is that the weirdest thing involved that was a bit weird but that's how

mental that day that special ends with me in a very specific place dressed as a very specific person and by no means is it top five

weirdest things that day no unbelievable special very well done by Will, Matthew, Harry Steve and the boys By no means is it top five weirdest things that day. No. Unbelievable special. Very well done by Will, Matthew, Harry, Steve and the boys. Tour tickets, dannightingale.com and adamrow.co.uk.

A lot of people going, oh, you open them for some of Dan's, he open for some of yours. We're not opening for each other. We don't do that. We absolutely love, have a word, and working together here. Very separate stand-up careers.

Come and see both of us. We're both going to all over the uk and literally the second we stop recording here i'm going to go and get a quick shower and changed my first tour date tonight is in carlisle very excited uh and if you are listening on saturday and you're anywhere near crew there is some tickets there for crew and that's going to be a banger it's a fucking gorgeous room got a tune we have just for the audio this is from brandon charles um he's from woking and this is called remember absolute banger what can i say it's another day and i still remember you Moving on all this time Feeling I got something Myself to prove

So I tell myself You're gonna be alone For another year So take up all your half And disappear Cause soon they will all come behind you Drag you down down you know wake up and feel fine no need to worry Blood time, blood time waits for no one

So I tell myself You're gonna be alone for another year So take up all your happiness of it Cause soon they will all come behind you And drag you down, you know So come on, keep playing your game. Trust me, it won't stay the same. Even though it might just seem so.

Even though it might seem so. Don't let this define Your world is divine Pour some sorrow into this Guitar of mine And it tells me and it tells me and it tells me and it tells me and it tells me

and it tells me and it tells me and it tells me And it tells me And it tells me And it tells me And it tells me You're gonna be alone for another year So take me away, I'll move this up here

Cause soon they will come behind you And drag you down, you know So come and keep playing your game Just trust me, it won't stay the same Even though it might just seem so Even though it might seem so So I tell myself You're gonna be alone for another year

So take off all your half and disappear Cause soon they will come behind you Bye. I just seem so even though am I seem so What can I say? It's another day and I still remember you Moving on, all is torn, the pages feel so wrong But I still remember you you