Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #247 with Jimeoin - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 22, 2023

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Hello everyone, before we start today's amazing episode of Have a Word, we've got to quickly tell you about our tours. We're on tour! I'm on tour, Dan's on tour. Tickets for my tour, I'm going all over the UK, adamrow.co.uk. Tickets for his tour at dannightingale.com. A lot of these shows are sold out, some are being added in cities that aren't currently listed. Keep checking regularly on adamrow.co.uk and dannightingale.com and also before we get to this week's public episode we've got to tell you about our patreon page the biggest patreon membership in the uk for a reason starting from just three quid a month what did they get great value they get a patron exclusive every wednesday which is unfiltered have a word bullshit just me adam and the boys and it's the best podcasting we do and then on top of that the world famous-famous Have A Word Patreon specials.

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now and from just three quid a month you get access to the entire content list we've just given you go and do it now and join the biggest patreon membership in the uk and one of the biggest on the planet for a reason and then come back to this episode because to be honest with you it's going to be a belter. Wag Wag Leeds, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word.

Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomers. Go, Ed. Get on me. He's good. Is podcast good? Is podcast?

This is a good podcast. Very good podcast. Welcome. Have a very good podcast. Making many har har har very funny. And what's happened to your poor arms? What? What do you mean?

I can't... You can't even see them? No. I'm hiding like a green beret yeah see your hands why are you wearing a camouflage jacket then actually i'm really feeling it this season it's autumnal straight up the bum no and i'm really going for a camo motif you know i did an asos order for a very specific reason i thought it was a bit of a hoo-ha laugh. And now I'm like, I'm feeling it, you know?

Is it a bit of a clue for something? What? Maybe it's a clue. Well, I bought some kit for a thing, and now I've realized I like the kit. So thank you for all your compliments. I can see your derogatory stares. I don't.

It's not a derogatory stare. I just think it's such, it's probably the biggest I'm not from liverpool thing you could wear cool but i mean i've literally every every time i've opened my mouth for the last three and a half years you're like you are so not from fucking liverpool so this is just so many times this just adds to it this adds to it your mars biff i still i get mars no like... Mars? No, I still get... Space biff? I still get...

You know when you have, after a fact, after the fact, you have like little shudders of like... Like, for some reason, I've got that stuck in my head where you're like, fucking hell, Dan. Your Mars bloody biff. Your Mars biff. Anyway, I'm not from Liverpool, everyone, but I'm in the, you know, I'm in the TA.

I've signed up. The territorial army? Yeah, who knows what's going to happen? Yeah? Nothing's happening in the world right now. It's quite a safe world. It's a tinderbox with Hamas and Israel. You know, that's a worry.

When does that spill over to Coventry? I don't know. Anyway, when it kicks off, no one's going to be able to see me, apart from my hand. What are you doing in the TA, Dan? What. What are you doing in the TA, Don? What? What are you doing in the TA?

Reconnaissance. Yeah. Patents? Yeah, Renaissance paintings. Who thought? For the majors? Oh my God, I can only see hands. Who's doing that painting of a Rubenesque lady?

I don't know what Renaissance painting is. It's a painting from the Renaissance era. Oh, well, if it's a painting. The 60s. Alright, okay. Someone in love. It's a painting of someone in love. That's why they're all fucking in them. Is Raphael Renaissance? All the Ninja Turtles.

Raphael Benitez, yeah. He's a Renaissance painter. Okay. All the Ninja Turtles. Yeah, that's the reference. He's right. Leonardo Don ninjas. What? All the ninja turtles. Yeah, that's the reference. He's right. Leonardo Donatello. Yeah. Leonardo Raphael Donatello and Michelangelo.

Yeah. They liked Rubenesque ladies, didn't they? It's a fart. What's Rubenesque mean? Thick. Sheep and women. Original pork. Paint all them sheep and women.

No. Thick double C C not with a K that's a fix that's what they used to say Michelangelo was like look at this a juicy calaboose call him gabagooze

oh oh I'm fucking painted over here this girl got a great ass that's what they were like I heard about

who's the country who painted the Vatican your old grandad maybe no no he plastered it his sister's chapel Leonardo da Vinci Michelangelo I heard about, who's the cunt who painted the Vatican? Your granddad, maybe? No. No, he plastered it. His sister's chapel. Leonardo da Vinci.

Michelangelo. Michelangelo? Yeah. It's Michelangelo. Huh? What? Da Vinci didn't do the Sistine Chapel. No, Da Vinci painted Jesus and his boys, didn't he?

Oh, he did the boys, yeah. The fellows. Michelangelo did the Sistine Chapel, but apparently he was a cunt. I know, like, you were meant to separate the R from the R, but he's a miserable fuck Chapel but apparently he was a cunt I know like you were meant to separate the R from the R but he's a miserable fucker

have you heard that off yeah from the woman who told me about him she knew him did she he used to cheat at Uno he was a right cunt that's a fact

well known fact how'd you cheat at Uno they used to just call it one what how'd you cheat at Uno what I don't know it's been silly Carl don't make. I was being silly, Carl.

Don't make me fucking fat check my own bullshit. Does this woman know Michael? Is his name Michael Angelo? He was a well-known gobshaker. Yeah. She must have known him. She called him Mick.

So, they were familiar. Yeah, that Mick. Right cunt. Anyway, good at painting. I'm not about shag. Does he phone you?

Does he fuck? Anyway, moving on. Massive gaff, Does he fuck? Anyway, moving on. Massive gaff, isn't it? St. Peter's Basilica. This is the first time, no? What? It sounds like a first time.

No, no. I've been doing this talk for fucking time. Anyway, follow me. No spitting. Apart from on me, because I'm dirty. Wow. What's this woman's name? I think I might have had too much caffeine

When you ordered an espresso I was so confused I think I've had too much caffeine When you get an espresso Do you normally get a single or a double? Is that a double? It was a double, yeah Oh my lord

And I had a sugar-free rebel on the way Heart palpitations yet? No, but I feel fucking great And that's life in the TA. You know, I've got to be ready. What? What's your favourite gun? What's my favourite gun?

Okay, not that I'm buying time. Magnum P45. Most powerful handgun in the world. A Magnum in the TA? Magnum P45. That's when I shoot you. You've got no job. Have you ever done a gig for the TA?

I know you've done a gig for the returning soldiers,. Have you ever done a gig for the TA? I know you've done a gig for the returning soldiers, but have you ever done a gig for the TA? What? Have you ever done any comedy for the TA? What did I get? I did that Christmas do. No, you didn't. Two years in a row.

I don't get a Christmas do. They do. They just meet up on Tuesday nights. Fuck off. I spent the millennium at the TA. Do you know when we ticked over Y2K or La? I was in the TA barracks celebrating. I haven't even missed.

He's told me this before. Why? Right, there's two stories here. But they're going to be equally TikTok'd. Which one? Which one are we telling first? Go with Mr. Rob. No, go on, Carl.

My brother was in the TA. But what, Scary Paul? I mean, he's not a Spice Girl, but yeah. The big one? Who's Sam and me, but I wouldn't fuck with? Yeah, yeah, he was in the TA. Right, okay. Well, that's not...

Is he still in there? No, he's grown up now. How? Whoa. This was 23 years ago, wasn't it? They need men for the TA. What? Don't they?

You mean he was in the cadets? No, he was in the TA. But the TA is adults. You know what I mean? No, but you look at me like, lad, he's in his 40s. There's no grown men who go to the TA in their 40s. I hope not.

Are there? Oh my God. And I tell you what, here's proof, because he played to them at a Christmas game. Do you think the TA is just like the under 21s? No, I thought it was like, it was something you did

and then you go into the real army when you grow up. No, it's like the Olympic football team. It's mainly under 23s with a couple of paedophiles. That's what I mean. No respected man in his 40s goes,

we want TA. Well, I did the Christmas do two years in a row. Oh, shit. And the first year I tried to take the piss out of them for being in the TA and not the army

and they do not like that because they want respect they're like police community support officers in that they're like you should respect me the same level

as a police officer but nobody does but they've got no humour about it like we can laugh about police community support officers but if you take the piss

out of one to their face they're not a big fan of it I did that the first year and it did not work and I bombed for like 20 minutes but you were ready

the only person in the whole room who's ever dropped a bomb mate a bunch of shit houses joke and then the year after

I went back because they asked for me back and they were like yeah no we liked him he was just a bit a bit much

a bit on the nose but he thought he was sound so I there's a great review of your comedy. So I did it again, and bombed again, because I thought,

they've asked me back. They probably liked it, but just didn't want to laugh at the time. So I was like, ah, last year you didn't like it when I called you all fucking toy soldiers, did you? You bunch of fucking little plastic green little army men.

And they were all like, what are you doing, mate? We gave you the second crack at this. Like Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes going back for more isn't it their job to go there's a war

that's their only point like no they just go hey real men there's a war no they get told there's a war

no they see the war happening and go they run back to the army and go boys there's a war and then they stand behind them the messengers where do you think

the TA are based because it's a chill war you know they're not like in war zones. There was one in Daisy, wasn't there? That's where they're lying to. What, the Daisy TA?

Nailed. Daysbrook. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're in the Daisy TA, mate. Well, there's a new build of houses in Daysbrook and all of the roads are named like Sergeant Way and Corporal Corner.

named like Sergeant Way and Corporal Corner. That alliteration, Sergeant Way, you know. You have to go for another one. Sergeant Way, Corporal Corner, Commander Avenue. Commander Avenue,

I think is one of them. Yeah, like, it's like Cadet Road as well. Yeah. Genuinely. And there's bodies. Waterboarding lane. There used to be a, be a genuine training base there,

and it got knocked down to build these houses because obviously it was peacetime. Oh, and since then, they've been out just underground, like the A-team. But if you need help anywhere near Daisy, you know who to call. Carl's brother. No?

Well, the thing is, apparently a lot of weird things happen around there. And my mate's autistic son screams blue man every time they drive past it. That's the Arctic Monkeys, definitely. Come on. My friend's autistic. I nearly said blue son.

Go on. Right, so what goes on that's weird? I am high. Apparently there's bodies under there. Yeah the the ta have buried the fuck are you talking about adam have you been told that yeah so there's territorial territorial army ghost no not the army the army put them there, mate. Like Hank Schrader. No, so, is it the real army that were there?

Or is it just the TA base? I've got to be honest with you, Dan. My knowledge on this is limited. It used to be a former TA barracks. Do you reckon your brother killed anyone? You haven't told me if he did. Right. He does make that noise. They're not even allowed guns, though.

So how are they killing people? Bare hands. Oh, right, yeah. Now, you're having a munch punch, everyone, and you deserve it. But let's train how you kill with a spoon. Right? So you finish your munch punch.

You're not wasting that. The attacker's coming. To the neck! To the neck! Kidney! Kidney! Finish your munch punch. Yeah.

That's Tuesday night. Bury the body under there. Let me go to Tesco. And no one will ever work out when it's renamed Human Burial Ground Road. Hide in plain sight. Unlike you lot,

you've got to hide, you know, under things, around them. Camouflage. Don't hide in plain sight. You'll get shot. That's stupid. That's the first rule of the TA imagine doing that

in the army I'm playing I just said blow why are you wearing that Liverpool away kit Steve I'm hiding in plain sight

they won't see me it's bright yellow you fucking knobhead oh my god the Russell Brands I joined the TA just for a laugh we should do that

as a special we all joined the TA it will be particularly special I did go a couple of times when I was a kid it's so good that you got out alive man I just didn't

the way they spoke to me I just couldn't handle it obviously yeah same here I don't get it like it's 2023 now. It wasn't then.

That's what he said. Hey, mate, it's 2023 in the future. That's where you got chucked out. Hey, what are you doing? Corporal Row. Hey, it's 2023. It's fucking not. It's 2001.

He's fucking mental! He's either time travelling or he's fucking stupid! He can't be trusted with a munchpunch, you know what I mean. Dangerous. What has to happen for them to get called up? Is that done now? No, it's your spit. Why would you not put your own spit back in your mouth? Why didn't I just put it on the floor?

What has to happen for... Do you want me to have some Diet Coke and I'll dribble it into your mouth? And I'll be like, that's how the mummy bear feeds the chicks. No, I don't want that. I don't want that. I mean, I like it when we're closer,

but that's too much. Adam, as a former, what would you say? Soldier. Soldier. A veteran. Adam's had his veteran state. I was having a free time. Those police say it.

I was an internet free time. Thank you for your service. And do you have any allergies? Stolen valour. There's no need for the way these fucking Sergeant Major guns speak to people. Like Sergeant Majors? Yeah. Hey, you do this!

It's like, say please. Well, it's just because you've got a better act than me. You get to talk to me like shit. Fuck off, John. I think it's fair to say that the Army Cadets, if they're sort of trying to filter out who's going to be suited to actually serving in the armed forces, did a job there with you, didn't they?

If you'd have ended up in that sign-up office, I think it would have been a fucking nightmare. You'd have maybe got four days into like basic training and then just gone. Nah. I need the last week of July off, John. Going to Mykonos.

We're at war, Adam. I don't give a fuck, mate. It's all inclusive. Is the war in Mykonos. Hey, Sergeant Major. We're at war, Adam. I don't give a fuck, mate. It's all inclusive. Is the war in Mykonos? Because I'll go. Can I be put somewhere that's got an all-inclusive war-wise? All-inclusive war. World War II?

Nine to five, Monday to Friday. I'm going to need the weekends to myself. But Adam, what has to happen for the TA to be called into action? They have to be... I think they are literally ground war. Like, if people come to the UK,

this is our territory. So they never go abroad. It's all, it's only if it ends up here and I am making all this up on the spot by the way but I feel like I'm right.

Yeah. Even though no one's ever told me this, I feel like I'm right. Go on. I think it's our territory, so they have to be here and it has to be like last resort.

Like they've, you know. Yeah. All the army's dead. Oh, hang on. If we get invaded and there's actually people on the ground, it's not last resort. The TA will be literally jizzing their knickers.

This is what we train for. They'll be in. I even think the TA go on deployment abroad, you know. I think. My brother went to Gibraltar. I remember that. Yeah. Yeah.

So it was great. Yeah, defend the rock. Totally irrelevant. Just to defend the rock. He was there as well. Him and Kevin Hart. Now we've got a special job coming. Paul, we need a bodyguard for the rock. And Kevin Hart now we've got a special job coming Paul

we need a bodyguard for the rock and Kevin Hart what win is it Gibraltar I bring a lot of munch bunch it's gonna kick off he's a big star

and we just Spanish people going please can we have your bag please it's definitely ours and everyone like no it's not it's our rock

why is it ours what because it's at the it's at the point where spain and africa it's like the thinnest point of the entry to the mediterranean what tenerife no that's way off in the atlantic isn't it well that was spain and africa no you're as in the north coast of africa gets very so you if you control that bit you control the mediterranean so we were like, we've got British people there. That's ours.

And I don't know how we've managed to keep it. Is it still ours? Yeah. Sick. So I can just go there? Yeah. Passport free? Yeah.

No. What? Shaking heads. You can't fly to Gibraltar passport free? Would you not just need ID? Shut up, James. You can if you threaten the people at the airport. There you go.

Or you've got your own plane. You can fly anywhere if you threaten well enough. I'm going to America. Well, I haven't got a passport. There's a gun. And I'm eating a munch punch, so be fucking warned. Yeah, but you give them your gun.

What? You have two guns. Yeah, that is a mistake, isn't it? Yeah, that's the unwanted one. It's me, Bazooka. Fly the plane, cunt. Yeah, if you threaten anyone with a gun, don't put it down and go,

look at that, touch that. What's that? A gun. And I've got it. Oh, you're holding it now. Touche. I think we all joined some kind of armed forces. Navy.

Oh, I'm definitely one. RAF. Oh, hang on. I'm one Air Force. Why? Well, my granddad and my uncle are in the Air Force. You can barely drive your car. Never mind.

What do you mean? I'm the best driver here. Clearly. What are you pointing at me for? I drive a lovely time with my car. That's what I'm talking about. Drive a lovely time? I drive a lovely time.

Beep boop. No, you're not allowed to fly a jet. I wonder if there's any course records I could break in the sky. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, there will be. I mean, there's every course record if you just make them up

and pretend you've broken them. That's the way to do it, isn't it? You told me I'd broken it. I know. Because you couldn't beat me. I know. Damn that new watch. The Red Bull Air Race.

I think that's a track in the sky, isn't it? They just do, they like have little one-seater, really fucking nifty little ones. They're all, they're higher on caffeine than I am right now and they go what

fucking what they're an inflatable you can't crash into walls in the sky you what well you can I mean famously you can

you can yeah yeah it'd be good marketing for Red Bull though what's sponsoring 9-11 that'd be the new one 11-11

the 11th of November or I don't know that's the only way that can be fucking stupid Americans with the backwards dates Etta tried to kill me what? my six year old tried to kill me

is that a new podcast is that yes spoon yeah not with a spoon we don't give that bitch munch punch she's not trained um she lost her temper so much i genuinely saw in her eyes that if she'd have had a weapon she'd have used it against me what did she do never what was the attempt it was tuesday night it was she was the most revved up i've ever seen her her and her mate jasmine come back from school and then they go to this dance thing so she's already keyed up because she's got a bezo and they are little bezos it's really cute jack gets hyped up because he's like fucking hell so it's just tuesday nights is bedlam and they went to the dance thing they did it and they come back and it was just hyped.

But Jack was pretty chill and Jasmine was pretty chill. It was just Etta that was like fucking keyed up. And I heard a mum... Do you think she's found your coke stash? Oh my God, that would be instant divorce. I did have some edibles in the house the other week, but I was like, what damage could that do? It's just a big nap in it. She, which honestly at the time i would

have loved to just force feed her edibles she needed it so it was just etta i heard her mum go could you just chill out stop screaming she was screaming she was so excited this is just in the house and then i like i'm stepping in going i'm like the second line of defense i came in i was like etta darling stop screaming i've heard you be worn five times i've had i've had to now tell you three times it got to the fourth time one point she was so revved up and i was like i'm not going in like shouting i was like darling just calm down everyone's chilled jasmine's chilled jack's chilled you're revved up she was like no like i don't know what was going on she was either tired or sugared up or just too excited and i was like listen otherwise you're just going

to bed now and you're not even going to get to say goodbye to jasmine who's getting picked up in a minute she was like no and then she said something to laura and i can't remember exactly what it was like laura warned her and she was like no i won't and i went right cool you're going and it's the first time i've ever had to be like i was like right you're going upstairs and she was like Laura warned her. And she was like, no, I won't. And I went, right, cool, you're going. And it's the first time I've ever had to be like, I was like, right, you're going upstairs. And she was like, no, I'm not. And I was like, I just thought me standing up, she was on the stairs. I thought me just standing up and going, right,

you're going would make her go, oh shit, yeah, I will go. And she just went, no, and sort of just like planked. And I was like, I was like, oh oh so we're never physical with the kids obviously we've never had to be she's only fucking six right but you remember as a kid as a kid you don't want to do it but you want the threat to be there in shadow box i'll just faint so my dad never smacked us on i don't know where you're like my mum never hit us my dad never smacked us on... I don't know where you're... My mum never hit us. My dad never touched me. No, he didn't.

My dad was scared of me. My dad used to lift my arm up so I was stretched and then hit the back of my legs. Finn. Huh? Sorry, Dan. What did you just whisper to me, Finn?

My dad hit me with a lightsaber. That's a podcast. A real one. No. Toy one. He said to me, my dad battered me. With a lightsaber.

Oh. But it's the force. Were you having like a fucking zoom? Or was it like you'd done something wrong and he was getting you? Was he rough with your brother and your sister? Or was it just you that got that? Are we doing therapy?

What's his name again? Memo. Darth Memo. I am your father. I am your father. Just the Turkish way, innit? Yeah. Do you know what?

There's been a lot of acceptance of some of your dad's bullshit from just going, he's Turkish. So, what's the Turkish army? Use lightsabers. No, but... Here's a question.

Was the lightsaber yours or his? Do you know what the best bit was? It was a red one. It was a dark side one. I was going to say, is it red? Yeah, it was... Was it yours or his? Do you know what the best bit was? It was a red one It was a dark side one I was going to say, is it red? Yeah, it was Was it yours or his? It was Count Dooku

That's a good question Was it yours or his? Right, I'm going to get lightsaber He talks like that Was it yours or his? Is he Northern Turkish? Yeah, yeah You're right

Listen, it's a bit different for me Was it your dance lightsaber? Like, he's the equivalent of Bristol I think it was, know right well in turkey uh no it was my lights i was scared of my dad and i don't want i ever want my kids to be scared of me and i don't think i think you're right i don't think etta is scared enough yeah because i like like lifted her and forced up says then she just gave up and she sort of ran to her room and i was like get in your room and then she sort of ran to a room and i was like get

in your room and then she started trying to open the door and i was like you're just gonna have to do a timeout but she wouldn't have stayed in the room so she kept opening the door so i was literally in the door and i was like you are i'm now shouting which i don't do a lot i was like you are staying in this room and she started running at me have you seen on online those one-on-one drills in the nfl yeah or in like school football where they get one player one player one's got the ball and you're you're in a corridor and you've just got to twat through or get past the next person she tried it five times in a row and i swear by the fifth time there was like a fucking craziness in her eyes where she was just fucking running to me

and uh i honestly think she would have if if she'd have gone cool this is like a an axe she's like oh i've got to use that's why you don't give six-year-olds axes what's a punishment so that's gonna last a week for me so i ended up like cage doesn't seem like such a bad idea now does it oh man yeah so i closed the door and stayed on the landing jack is now old enough that he he gets that this is a major boot off but i could also tell that he was like that bitch in trouble so jack came up and he was like he was like literally like crying i was like she is and i know that she's now listening she's like wailing like a fucking like a widow like she's so angry at this point finn's that and where's my light

and he was on the you could tell he was like i'm good though aren't i yeah i'm probably your favorite what do you want to do do you want to play or something i don't know i need to be within earshot just to hear how badly this goes but i'm pretty chilled out i've never seen her that fucking angry and then laura had to go in and and at one point she was still so upset that she tried to throw herself off the bed it's the most mental like temper i've ever seen and she's six And I fear for our futures because when hormones hit, it's going to be unbelievable. And what's your punishment?

So Laura is like, you know, the hostage negotiator. She's like the one. Sean Connery? Yeah. I can't do that. I'm not good at it. And also it was me and her that had the kickoff.

So Laura went in and basically gave her a more controlled bollocking like went in and went that is unacceptable you tried to basically hit daddy and that is never acceptable and she was still upset she did a good sort of 10 minutes of calming her down and then etta came into me to say sorry and hugged me crying but it was one of them hugs where you're like she really was like she just lost control i've i've never seen anything like no dancing next week so i'd say jasmine's not coming around yeah there's gonna be some consequence it should be there was a tuck shop uh the next day they do like a weekly tuck shop at the school and she didn't get any money

for that. But now I'm thinking it's probably not enough punishment. You're not going dancing next week and Jasmine's not coming around. And you've got to

make me a lovely cake. Right. Yeah. From scratch on your own. No help, no recipe. No eggs. Until you bring me

a perfect cake this punishment continues. No dancing for you mate so that's been grounded for 11 years I honestly if I had to make a cake that a six year old mate

that would be more punishment for me than anyone yeah you're gonna clean the kitchen never seen anything I'm genuinely it was like oh fuck I'm quite scared of she needs to learn

that that baby will not fly in Cassidy Nightingale yeah unbelievable good luck everyone did you win the good luck when you're dealing with this i'll have kids that hate me it'll be great wallace is dead easy just pick them up i know but you're definitely having babbitt soon aren't you i love it by the way that is the thing that i've seen a lot so on the special

do you remember i pointed at daddy daniel Do you remember? In the gift shop. It's two things. It says Daddy Daniel. But in the special, you only see me pointing at Daddy. So I was like, Colin, sorry, are you pregnant? We're not.

Did everyone think you were doing an Easter egg? Loads of people think we're having a baby. I promise you we're not. We're not trying. It's twins! Twins! I'm calling them adam and adam two girls no we're not having a baby and we might not ever have babies so if you hold no hope yeah but you might not ever get married oh that's right you are yeah bit of a difference though and that's one day babies are like 21 god you're gonna be a great dad and you are gonna be a dad i can't wait to be there for it.

In eight months. From five months earlier, I've got twins. Four weeks. I don't want babies right now. No, you don't. I'm not. Are you feeling eight months

when they're here? Biological clocks are ticking. Not mine. And this is the best bit. When you have kids, Adam will get jealous and then he'll want kids. He'll have kids before me, if he has kids.

We've all spoken about this. This is a deep chat, isn't it? On the train home from London, we spoke about how much we want kids in a percent wise and they've both dropped a lot in the last... Mine hasn't dropped a lot. I think a year or two ago, I was absolutely non-negotiable. I am having children.

And now I'm like, I really want children and now I'm like I really want them but I'm like 95% rather than 100 it's still really up there but like it wouldn't be if it never happens now I wouldn't be like

that's a massive shock just because of how things have gone and how my life has gone but do I definitely still want them yeah is it an absolute

non-negotiable not quite but it is still nearly there it's the greatest thing I've ever done in my life do I definitely still want them? Yeah. Is it an absolute non-negotiable? Not quite, but it is still nearly there. It's the greatest thing I've ever done in my life. And I've done a lot of fun stuff. And not that it isn't. Yeah,

that's true. Hopefully no one at the Philharmonic tries to kill me five times. But when I was younger, I always like, even when I was at my most, like I was going out and getting wrecked on the weekends. And I was like, yeah, I want to be a dad one day. And there's not a lot of lads i've met in their 20s who are

like yeah i want to be a dad not that there aren't and there will be some but you like you've since i've known you and since we've been talking like especially since we've been doing the podcast you're like yeah i want to be a dad one day and i know 95 is less it's still a fucking landslide and there just comes a point that when you're with someone you get to an age where you start just doing the math

on the fucking the the clock exactly but no pressure no pressure right now my our percent

because we're a team is 20% well and I could change it a year we could go do you know what

do you want to do some babysitting I've I've what do you do Tuesday nights because they're a problem evening for us at the moment I love kids I've got a niece

who I love I love her so much but like it's different you get to look after them it's great being an uncle though isn't it yeah

because I get to do all the sick stuff and I'm the cool uncle I've got a lovely dog she loves but I just can't be arsed with a kid like at 4am go and give me a bevy no i'm a kip yeah about an hour's enough a couple of hours is enough in it yeah 4am i'm hungry so am i bollocks mate that that's the bit i don't want i've shit me kegs belter deal with it and make me a cake in two separate moves.

I just don't want my life. I'm very happy and content with my life right now. And getting a puppy, I know you joke about it. It's still adding a bit of difficulty to your life. No, mate, totally. Throwing a baby in there when you're happy. My boy's been born. Yeah, exactly.

But trust me, it's hard. I know it is. Having a puppy is naughty. You've had one for a couple of days famously I've had many dogs six last year erm

alright do you want to do it woah yeah what you honestly hang on we need to watch that again

VAR says I'm on and he's on is he on it's a good joke it's not offside it's a fucking two footed tackle'm on and he's on. It's a good joke. It's not offside. It's a fucking two-pussing tackle on six women. Mate, I am...

That's a good joke. No. No. Wait, what, what? No, no, no, no. Oli says check that. Oli says check that. The VAR can only advise the referee.

Oli's saying check that. Famously. It's offside. Oli's saying check it. Check complete. Check complete. No red card. No serious foul play. You can't check for the yellow, can you? No, but I'm saying you can check it to upgrade. Check complete. No serious foul play.

You can't check for half a yellow, can you? No, but I'm saying you can check it to upgrade. I'm saying no serious foul play. It's just the yellow. I'll take the yellow.

You can't take a yellow off of your dog. I don't agree with your decision, but I can't overrule it. Only three of them were dogs. What? Foul play. I'll take it.

I'll take it. I'll take it. I don't mean it. I miss what he said. Go, Randy. Go, said. Go, Randy. Go, Randy. Go, Randy. Oh, go, Randy.

What are we doing now? Come on. Should we just raw dog some questions? Let's get Randy with Randy. Raw dog some questions. Oh, raw dog. We'll go straight in. No chat.

Bang. Oh, I let you raw dog me. This first one is from Liz. Liz? Oh, Liz. Raw dog Liz? We're raw dogging Liz. Hi, Lids.

I'm a primary school teacher. Which thing was the last person to raw dog Liz before she died? A queen Liz. Yeah. Oh, that guy. There's a guy, isn't there? Have you seen The Crown? My man, what's his name?

Paul Buddle. Paul Buddle was raw dogging Liz. Now there's a guy and he's like I shagged the queen it was Paul Bottle I remember if anyone wants a question

no there's a guy who's like I shagged the queen and he's right he was goosing the queen before yeah that's in the crown is it

did you say Charles what did you say you goosed the queen before oh before she died did you say Philip oh Philip what's his name

I couldn't find it. Just do the question. Do the question, Finn. Fucking hell. It's from Liz. How do you find it? Hi, Liz. I'm a primary school teacher

and recently we took our class of year sixes on a school trip to go to the car park where Richard III was found. Spending a day in a car park. Spending a day in a car park. Did you mean the car park where Richard III?

Found him in a Tesco car park? Like 10 years ago, was yeah richard the third yeah he's richard the third king the humbug king from the house of york lost the what rosie rich right go on fucking spending a day in a car park with 60 11 year olds isn't quite as fun as it sounds i'm wondering did you boys go on any really mad or shit school trips Love the pod Liz Well we all know that I re-edited a woman called Wendy

on the toboggan in London You know what I mean But she loved it Did you do the Victorian thing where you dressed up as an old thing Did you do that That was there That was my childhood Did you do that where That was there. That was your 20s. It was my childhood.

Did you do that? Were you dressed up as a... In a workhouse. Yeah, and you went some... Style. We went to style in Cheshire near the airport. And it was a Victorian workhouse. And there was a schoolhouse.

And you used to wear really uncomfortable clothes. And there was a woman sort of fake shouted at you. And you had chalk. Yeah. And she was like, this is what it was like. It was shit. They were clothes and there was a woman sort of fake shouted at you and you had chalk. Yeah. And she was like, this is what it was like. It was shit. They were mean and it was itchy.

Now go to the gift shop. I remember wearing a waistcoat for the first time ever. I was like, this is sick. All the bears. We went to Chester. What were you going to do? Did you do that though?

Like the Victorian thing? The Roman thing in Chester. That's where we'll have gone then. Yeah. Oh, you went with the Centurion? Yeah, probably. They need to be CRB. Check them fuckers. We didn't do Victoria. We did World War II. in Chester that's where we'll have gone then yeah oh you went with the Centurion yeah probably they need to be CRB check them fuckers

we didn't do Victoria we did World War 2 so we dressed up as evacuees oh that's been insensitive isn't it yeah we had like also P.S. who's evacuating Rill

also what's the hang on no one people evacuated to Rill no yeah exactly what's the uniform on evacuee it was like a shirt like a short sleeve shirt and then like a knitted waistcoat Hang on, no one... People evacuated too real. Yeah, exactly. What's the uniform on evacuee? It was like a shirt, like a short sleeve shirt and then like a knitted...

Waistcoat, you'd have loved it. Knitted jumper. Oh, with a gas mask. So that's just what you wear now? Shorts. I'm always in that. Always. It's like a load of Mumford & Sons fans.

We had loads of shit school trips. Like bad ones. Colomendi Peg Leg is gonna get ya we went to Paris we went to the National Slate Museum I'm sorry

Slate Slate not the one on the docks here no the National Slate Museum Slave Museum in Anglesey the National Slate Museum yeah

that's now like a zip wire place you know yeah yeah they made that better Zip World the zip world it's just closed they just closed it no just closed the zip wire museum you can't go on it it was just closed i'm seeing zip wires great listen we're not doing the business slate is fucking boring we've got a quarry what we do with it zip wires i like it it's literally a simpsons episode when you go to the box factory

and drive past the firework for where i was not like. It's a slate where I was staying. It was a zip, a zip wire museum. No, zip wire like you feel. That is better. This is the history of zip wires. We did Pilly Palace as well. Pilly Palace is the little, it's the little zoo on Anglesey. Butterfly place.

But it translates to Butterfly Palace. Can I just say? Yeah. Been to Anglesey a few times. Yeah. Pilly Palace, pretty fucking cool. Was it? I don't really remember it.

It's an indoor zoo. Are you more into the limo? Yeah, I am. Don't do cocaine and go to Pilly Palace. But there's a nice play area outside. I honestly think Pilly Palace is pretty good.

Remember when we used to play 40 car? It was good that way. Yeah, but you didn't get taken on a school trip to just play 40, did you? Probably. Probably at some point, yeah. Yeah, if you're in the school team,

that's essential, that is. French exchange, the cigarette factory on the French exchange, famously, that might be the weirdest point. That's arty monkeys, come on. What are you talking about?

They don't make sense as words together. We went on a French exchange, this was 1823. You went to France? We went to... Yeah. Yeah.

Your tiny little nipples went to France. What? Your tiny little nipples went to France. What? Your tiny little nipples went to France. And the president visited today. No. Is it? I don't get it. What is it? Which reference? Come on. You know that one. Do I? It's Bruce Almighty.

The prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today and my tiny little nipples went to France. In my head, I was like, I was like, that is a weird episode

of Two Pints of Lager. I like her. Do. Cha-cha. Let's go on. French exchange. I mean, cigarette something.

Yeah, we went to the cigarette factory it sounds like you got trafficked no they let us out why did you go to did you stay at some French person's house then yeah yeah yeah Veronique

what are French fags like they are rough like hard to smoke I'm not even joking they're fucking grim hang on you went to a French cigarette factory and you all had a puff on some ciggies?

We went to Mrs. Finch, who was French, and married a British person, so she was like, Hello, my name is Mrs. Finch. Right? She took us on the French exchange to Chateauroux.

Right? Chateauroux. You got blood in you still? Oh, you got some Chateauroux there. Lovely. Hang on, you went to some Chatteroo there. My lovely. Hang on, you went to Chatteroo and had some French fags? Me, Bondi, Alistair was there, the boys. How old were you?

I was 15, 14, 15. And it was all Biff Decentral. Year 10. And they were like, cool, on Wednesday, it's the cigarette factory. So we all went in, and you literally go around the whole production line. So this is like leaves.

And I was like, cool, I'm going to nick everything along the line. So I'll be able to make my own fags. Not realizing that the end of the tour, they take you into the boardroom and go, who has parents that smoke? And literally we all looked at each other and went, like the whole class.

Mrs. Finch was like, I am not sure everyone's parents smoke. Mrs. French. And we got 18 83 cigarettes each. This is the 1800s. What the fuck? This was 1995. Paul Rydell's Manchester United won.

Yeah. And then we all were like, cool, now you've got some free time. So we went round the back of the bibliotech or somewhere and tried the cigarette and they were literally unsmokable. It's the worst cigarettes I've ever... Were you a smoker at that point?

Yeah, we all smoked. What's going on? None of our parents smoked. How old were you? 15. You all smoked and went to a French cigarette factory? 14. Yeah.

Do you know, on the 95 thing, and I say this just because you brought it up, there's a famous Liverpool song that we sing against Everton and it'll be sung this week because we're playing Everton, which is, you haven't won a trophy since 1995, right? We won the Florida Cup, actually. Yeah, it's a big one. The other day I was in...

Is that the Florida property thing? Yeah, it's like we won half against... We played on the roundabouts at Chilwell Five Ways, and Everton won it. Yes. The other day coming back from St Helens

me Alfie and Jack stopped at a McDonald's and the woman like someone wasn't collecting that order you know when they shout the number

and she kept going 95 and then I got my phone out and was videoing it and trying to time it so that I could go you know I haven't won

a trophy since 19 and not once did I get it right. And then the second I stopped recording it was the second it would have worked as well. Damn. Always the way. Yeah, we went to Paris just for the trip.

That sounds nice. We're on a coach though. Okay. What did you do in Paris? All the things you'd expect. Oh, just all the classics? Yeah. Disneyland.

Yeah, Disneyland. You went to the slate factory and his school went to disneyland paris unlucky there mate yeah yeah we were just smoking fucking pharma fags i've said if you went to iceland that was lovely not to shop this country yeah what kind of posh fucking school did you go to you've seen it's full of murders i didn't go to any of these places by the way we couldn't afford it. How did you get these school trips? Threats.

So year five was Paris and year ten was Iceland. We went to Beatrix Potter's house. Oh I've been there in the lakes. No. It was in We've been lied to then.

No. Maybe she had more gaffes mate. She's doing well. She's doing well. Yeah. I tried venison for the first time. They gave us venison burgers that's all I remember

sorry and we held an eagle right that was all one day sounds better than the slate factory just the slate factory

was also going to visit Menai Bridge and walk across it school was your school sounds bad sounds like your school

that sounded like that was the most fun we were having in school, though. Did you have girls in your school at all? Yeah. So we didn't have girls. You had to give us a son. What, Iceland?

Yeah. That's a fucking decent deal, isn't it? Yeah. It was a geography trip. Cool. Fucking hell. Where did you go again? Colomendi and like...

The one I didn't do was Allswater. Colomendi, Hlandudno, and All's Water were years four, five, and six in my little school. Is Colomendi one of them, like, adventure places? It's just a shit hole in North Wales. Oh, right, no. Did you do, like, what was the ones that was round here? Go Ape and that.

Like, Nampy H. We did Pentreflin Comet, which was, like, speaking English. We did Half a Lillian Bear Flume Flume. We did Havliljimbeflumflum. So one day you're going to have a stroke out there and no one's going to notice. We did Heslipofan. That sounds like Bruce Almighty. Hali...

Pentchalinkumma. Pentchalinkumma was like... Shut up. It's like half an hour from Rill. It's like by Demby. And you like go for sleepover and then you do like kayaking. Yeah, that was Columendi

yeah yeah yeah we did PGL that's yeah that's what I think somewhere near Shrewsbury yeah we did a PGL I actually did that right

let's do some pet peeves yes oh I'm ready that doesn't have to do my head in it's such a good jingle that one it's from Alex Charles pet peeve people not putting the trolley It's such a good jingle, that one.

It's from Alex Charles. Pet peeve. People not putting the trolley back in the trolley spaces when you're trying to park your car. Nope. We've had it before. Have we? Have they put their trolleys in the car parking space? Yeah.

I've just left it in the one next to it. That doesn't happen in my local Tesco, so I can't hear it. Very respectful Tesco. Finley Gross Fills. Cool. When you get given a limited amount of condiment

for your food and you somehow end up over rationing and having too much for your final mouthful. Yeah, that is annoying. So when you,

what, you get given a little sauce pot and you're trying to ration yourself so you're only having a little bit. Just ask for more sauce

and stop being a shithouse. No, that's not a pet peeve, that's you being a shithouse. No, that's not a pet peeve. That's you being a shithouse in a restaurant. I did that yesterday with a Nutella Go. Yeah. Got like a choc dip.

You can't ask for more of that. It's difficult to ration a choc dip. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Just get another choc dip. No, but then you've got this more chocolate.

Do you know what I mean? Like, to get the stick to chocolate ratio is difficult. I just think you need to work on your rationing. That's on you. I've always said that.

I'll just go five guys where you can just make your own. What's your biggest flaw, mate? Rationing. Carl, do you want to give a go at this name? You ready for this name? It's gone. It's gone on the floor, Joe. Are you still on caffeine high or is it crashed?

I might get another caffeine. Is it crashed? If I'm enjoying wordplay that much, something's right or very wrong. This is from Gus Echiech Tarka. Oh, Gus Echiech Tarka. Didn't know you don't call us like that. Salaam alaikum.

Alaikum salaam. Don't pretend to be fucking... Oh, to be fair, I was. Is that also with you? Yeah. People who have sat behind you on the plane and grabbed the top of your seat every time when they get up and sit down.

I can't help it. You fat-headed twat. I can't help it. Blow their heads off. You do do that. I know. Oh, God, I need to get my back. Fucking bellends.

Expensive, them. No, it's not that. I'm just holding it so that I've got something to hold on after plane crashes. No. No, no, it doesn't mean that when you're getting up

to go to the toilet. Oh! No, mine's just like, oh, we're going down, are we? Well, I'm holding this chair. Hang on. Oh, shit. I just need to re-

fucking raise myself a little bit. Fucking pricks. There's people who work down stairs. Man wants a new chair. Shit. And they're awful. The old guy behind me

coming back from Nashville. God. Also, I love leaning my chair back. Fat-handed like, oh my God, I'm going to check something on the little screen.

Idiot. I love leaning my chair back, but if the person in front of me dares lean their chair back, I fucking hate them. Yeah, but if you lean back, of me dares lean their chair back, I fucking hate them. Yeah, but if you lean back, you need them to lean back. It all works, doesn't it?

No. No. It's either one person does or everyone. Yeah. If the person in front of me leans their chair back, right, it is a war zone

for the whole fight. I'm gone. At that point, if I'm behind you and you've lent your chair back, I'm like, oh, sorry, we just need to get to the point.

That's what I had. Yeah. That's what I had. I hate it, but I'm doing you and you've lent your chair back I'm like oh sorry mate just need to get to the fucking toilet here that's what I have yeah I hate it but I'm doing it to the guy behind me are you leaning your chair back well I'm just going to watch fucking Big Mothers oh sure I'm changing around

let's put friends on Adam were you sat behind me on the way back from Nashville if you lean your chair how can you be such a hypocrite? I am a hypocrite, I hate it, don't do it. Like if it's a long haul flight. You shut up.

If it's a long haul flight, you've got to get back in your new comfies. No, no, no. Don't lean back onto anyone on a plane. If you want to lean back by business class or first class or shut the fuck up, sir. Hang on, but you lean back. The extra leg room and then you sound it.

But you lean back. What? But you lean back. No, back what but you lean back no i don't i don't but no i don't i want to i do on an eight hour flight mate man's lying down as far as you know do you know what next time we go abroad together book me on the seat behind him and i'm gonna ruin your month let's give him a boys can we just say sign up at patreon.com i I'd say you start... I want to go business class if we go back to America and just have Camp Alan like, hello, Mr Nightingale, lovely to see you again. I'm sure you've travelled with us before in business class

where there's just eight Sky Tories and me fucking touching your thigh whenever you ask. Would you like a cold flannel for no reason? Oh, it was amazing. Was yours cold? That impression is so good have a lie down and I will look

after all your needs Big Mama's House 3 not even been made I'll fucking make it for you I'll do a little act out for you oh lord

oh child you're in danger mmm crazy shit oh he's amazing I think I'm a kip you know there's no way

what he's just done is happening in real life and he's in his camouflage jacket what's going on today what the camp just done is happening in real life. And he's in his camouflage jacket. What's going on today? What, the camp guy on our flight to Nashville? Big Moms House 3. He's just wrote Big Moms House 3.

David. David. David. Oh, is he called David? Not Alan. David. Alan's exing me. You don't want that on the plane.

Hello again, Mr. Cooverloose. Do you know, he was so good at his job, he probably knew how to pronounce your name. Yeah. Cuvillers. It's like Gullivers with a C. Do you know what's done my head in his job, he probably knew how to pronounce your name. Yeah. Kvillas. It's like Gulliver's with a K. Do you know what's done my head in about that? When he said, welcome back.

Like, you know I've never been on this fucking business class before you've come. Look at the fucking state of me. I'm wearing jeans on a long-haul flight. I'm an amateur. Welcome back. 8,000 jeans, man. Right.

I wear shorts every day to go to my tour shows. By the way. And change in and out of them for the gig. I have just remembered my favourite bit of that flight when we were in business class on the way to Nashville. We all got bored of sleeping. Fuck knows what time it was.

We were all weird and discombobulated and the three of us all just had a little hangout with a business meeting. Oh God! With a business meeting. It was fucking brilliant. We decided to buy a venue.

Hello everyone. It's David here. I assume you're having a podcast meeting. I do listen. to buy a venue. Hello, everyone. It's David here. I assume you're having a podcast meeting. I do listen. I'm a Patreon. I've just subscribed because that's part of the service in business class. Would you like me to take minutes for the meeting?

All right. It's like having a sky, Matthew. And that woman was walking around. Remember that being horrible. Oh, she had... She was very good at her job, is what I remember. Do you know I vaped on that flight? I know you did.

Sky vapers! I had a little vape. Sky vapers. That's the mild high club. No, it wasn't. It wasn't. It was just like smoke. It wasn't weed. It's vape. It's a mild high, though No, it wasn't. It wasn't. It was just like smoke. It wasn't weed.

It's vape. It's a mild high though, isn't it? Nicotine? Yeah. Nicotine is a mild high. That's the definition of it. We have enough of it. Oh my God.

Snuzz. Like all the footballers. Oh, it just hurts your teeth, doesn't it? Yeah, but all the footballers love it. Cool. This is from Jamie Connor. Small annoyance. He's changed the name of the feature.

When you've all pulled your Christmas crackers and you're ready to tuck into your scranton, then everyone starts reading out the shite jokes one by one. You're the most miserable cunt that's ever written in. Part of the fun, isn't it? You know what I hate? Christmas and the traditions around it. That's what I want.

I want to eat my dinner in silence on Christmas Day. Yes. Who the fuck's that oh Dan do you have Christmas crackers with your nachos yeah I don't

yeah since Jack's been born I don't eat Christmas dinner with everyone else you know you thought you'd own that's fucking awful I have nachos just

on your own you can have a roast dinner again this year with us aren't you I'm going to make you some gammon again can you make me some of that pink lamb yeah some of that pink lamb I love that pink lamb gammon as it of that pink lamb. I love that.

Gammon, as it's known to everyone else. Seneca's coming by the way. Oh yeah. So you're going to see Seneca on an episode. Oh, is she? Yeah.

She's going to be on the, the Christmas special we do again. She's going to come and say hello. Nice. Don't tell Laura that. Right. Last one. This is from Gary.

Pet peeve. Old people in general. Slow as fuck at everything. Yeah. Oh, but I miss my Nana. We all do. No, do you miss her? She was a great shag.

Sorry. Oh, Daniel. I really do. I thought about that the other day. I saw some old people just doddering around town. I had a great day yesterday. If Laura hadn't have come into town yesterday with me, I haven't drunk for so long

that that sounded like a sniff, didn't it? Yeah. Sorry. I'd have got pissed. I'd have got pissed. I was so tempted to have two pints last night, but I need to be six. And I saw some old people

just fucking doddering around with the same haircut. And I was like, oh. Just pushed them in the seat. Just a couple with, and just dead old and doddery. And I was like, it didn't make me annoyed. They were just a couple with, and just dead old and doddery. And I was like, it didn't make me annoyed. They were just like,

they couldn't even navigate like the door of next or something. And I was like, oh, I miss my Nana and Grandad. Like they were having some banal conversation. No, you miss them being younger. You don't miss them being old. I don't miss them being super, super old,

but my Nana was pretty much nailing it till about 90. I know. Oh, she was smashing it. Till she was about 90. Grandad went a bit weird. He got like a bladder infection when he was 86 and he was never quite the same.

How do you think you should be able to assassinate them at ATMs? I'd like to rent someone's Nana. Honestly, why don't we just do like an Airbnb for Nanas? Has anyone got any left? Because they're lonely. No one wants to see the Nana all the time. Have you got one left? Because they're lonely. No one wants to see the nanna all the time. You got one left? I've got one.

Oh, not your Turkish one. I'm not fucking reading. I've got a Spanish one somewhere, maybe. Nuna Nana. Baba Anna. Baba Anna 2 guy. Why don't you do the news? Nina Nana.

I'd love it. Let's do Rent-a-Nan. Oh, it'd be great. Adam, have you got any nannies left? Do you do like preferences? Can you filter it like tinder yeah not turkish

big tits oh what big nams everybody needs a bosom for a pillow everybody needs a bosom nams with big tits

dot com yeah must be able to make rounds of toast without anyone wanting it or asking for it but then you do want it now my name is boss of biscuits must supply blue ribbons yeah that was 100 fox's classics breakaways oh never mind love i've had a mental breakdown and i've just been declared bankrupt never mind have a cup of tea lovely yeah mine on as well right is your nan

still no she died last year. I remember. I was there. We're going to give some advice. That sounds a bit guilty of you there. Yeah, yeah. Advice? Oh, I'd love to give some advice. Let me just think about it.

Yes, I would. Adam and Dan and Carl and Finn to a lesser extent, but he's pretty bit doing quite well with the prep. If you want to do it, you'll be fine. I'm sorry? If you don't do it right through time. Agony Adam. but he's pretty doing quite well with the prep unnecessary go on this is from an anonymous dad hi lids

need some advice I coach a lads under 11s football team on the weekend which my son plays in goal for he's not massively athletically gifted

shall we say he's a bit lumpy and we've lost more than a couple of games due to the goalkeeping errors, as lots of kids' footy teams do. But he's getting better. Oh, God. That's emotional. This is how I knew when you were younger.

Oh, the fat goalkeeper. It was him? This is from my dad. The only problem is this new Lithuanian lad has recently asked to join the team, and he plays in goal. He came to training dead lanky and towering over the other lads. In the second half of the Sunday league game we played, he got man of the match for saving a penalty.

The lad is special, but my lad had to stand on the sides with me after halftime and then blame me when we got home for replacing him. What do I do, lads? I can't destroy my lad like that. You can't. And I feel awful,

but also it's clear who should be playing in goal and that we could go on to win the league. Any advice? There's a six foot four Lithuanian. Grow up. Literally. Your son's just going to have to learn the hard way that sometimes life isn't all fucking rainbows

and blowjobs, sunshine. You know? Don't tell him. You're on the bench. Don't tell him. Future EDL member here, isn't it? A foreigner came over and took your job. It's not good

but look what you're gonna gonna bench gotta play the Lithuanian kid he's gonna win you more points your son's shite by the sounds of it you should be honest with him though

that's me listen lad look you're the big fucking lump and he's not you know what I mean get you the yo-yo if you want though

you'd love a yo-yo wouldn't you let's get you a yo-yo what if the Lithuanian lad gets injured in a cup final and he has to come on like Loris Karius and his confidence is shot?

Then it is what it is. Did you get dropped for being a fat keeper? No, I was the best keeper in our league. I have seen... He has scored a goal. I was.

I wonder what would have happened if I'd have played up front against you because I was the best striker in my league. Clean sheet, mate. That's what we'd have. What league?

Unstoppable Forbes. What league? Adam Adam Rose fantasy football the night time dreamy dream league what a goal how many goals is Adam going to score tonight five goals all in front of the cop in the first half and the second half as well

because we just played one way because it's Adam's dreamy time 50 goals Real Madrid at home every game top of the league top scorer night night Adam Adam's dreamy time. Fancy goal. Real Madrid. At home. Every game. Top of the league. Top scorer.

Night-night, Adam. Boo! Do you know what? Jo and I couldn't sleep. Jo and you were kidding. You didn't want to go to sleep. You were tired, but you couldn't be arsed.

My aunt would go, she'd whisper in my ears, thinking I was asleep. Maybe this is insane. And she'd be like, I can't sleep. Just think of England. Maybe this is insane. And she'd be like, I can't sleep. Just think of England. Think of Everton.

How the fuck's that going to help me sleep? Think of England? Isn't that what people say to women who don't want to shag their husbands? Just think of England. Think of England. She'd go, think of Everton.

I'd be like, the shit? You're stressing me out. It doesn't mean that. Yeah, but you're gonna win the Florida Cup oh yeah this is me nan

and then 95 to tell her to stop talking because I couldn't sleep think of England I'd pretend to be asleep and then apparently

if you're whispering someone's ear when they're a kip it does things so she'd start whispering in my ears and I'd be like oh your nan yeah what

would she whisper like i don't know like you're good at sleeping aren't you your nan's a fucking psycho i'm going to sleep in you like hey you're such a good little sleeper aren't you she's trying to put a blue ribbon in your ear Come on you're hungry Have a cup of tea I pour it in Carl's got another ear infection You can sleep

Stop worrying about sleeping She was doing She was doing Nana based ASMR Yeah is that a thing? Like whispering in people's ears And they keep googling her It is You're freaking Anna

No Thinking of Everton Probably like that doesn't help me Because they're excited Because I love to fussy They brought me down I'll be a kip in seconds no thinking of Everton probably like that doesn't help me because I get that excited because I love to fussy you block me down I'll be a kip in seconds with all of Everton

these are thoughts think about Everton's nil nil draw at West Brom four weeks ago remember how shit that was off you go sleep love

have a nice rest what's come up is sleep hallucinations so maybe it wasn't real yeah I don't think it was real you were dreaming about your

nan whispering in your ear no it's definitely awakening to do me i feel like going do you know how stupidly counterproductive this is i can't sleep when you're talking to me r.i.p imagine if you said that to your nan so is this your advice to this guy? He's got a whisper in his son's ear. You're great in gold. You're fat, get. Oh, right, okay.

The Lithuanian's well better than me. Be more Lithuanian, you stupid little lumpy cunt. Solved. Be more Lithuanian. Great bit of advice. He wakes up like... What's Lithuania famous for? Come on, Finn.

It's one of the Baltic states. Is it? Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania. Is that Balkan or Baltic? I'm going Baltic. It says that Anthony Kiedis is Lithuanian, but maybe it's heritage. So being the red hot chili peppers.

Who's that is? Anthony Kiedis. What are they famous for? The chili peppers. That's all Lith? Anthony Kiedis. What are they famous for? The chili peppers. That's all Lithuanians famous for. Yeah. There's an NBA player. Fucking shit, mate.

Right. Go to bed and think of Lithuania, you'll be a kipper in no time, there's nothing to do. Okay. Right. Honestly, if you've got a kid in this situation,

it's difficult, but you can't be a coach of a team and be like, yeah, this kid's massive and dead good, but like Tubbs is back dead good but like what are you gonna do if etta wants to be like a track runner but she's dead slow she is slow yeah so what if she's like my dad i've already seen it 200 meters and win gold well well we've done two sports days and you came forth you know what i mean like let's get let's get i'll be like you can do anything you want to do but also there is stuff you're going to be better at dad i want to be a rugby player he sounds like a shop a shop shoplifter i'm pushing her on to performing i think you've

got to nudge your kids i think you could train etta now and she could be world class in anything if you give it from now until 18. The flute. Oh, yeah. The flute. No one's... People are sleeping on flute game. Be a flautist. A flautist. A flautist.

She's going to be an actor, a comedian, or a dancer. Some sort of showing off that will help the fact that, you know, she needs to... It needs to be ADHD.

She's going to be a nappo baby. Yeah, 100%. The team I played for when I was a kid, the manager's son was poo. And he played every week. And we aided the kid for it. Yeah. So your kid's just going to be aided for it

because he's like, you're shit and you're not a fella as the manager. I think she's going to be the TA. Retrain your kid as a goalkeeping coach. Oh, yeah. And get him to train the Lithuanian and tell the Lithuanian, ignore everything he says,

he's shite. I make the Lithuanian shit. I'm like, you need me now don't you go when the ball comes near to you close your eyes just get your yo-yo out I don't even know what it is

that's my Lithuanian right we're going to mix things up we're going to do a have a word now what are you even talking about you should have cleared this with me this isn't a skid day Finn it's because it's going to be

a good one for us. But we've also got another thing to do, haven't we, Finn? Yeah, I know. I regret doing that. You're busy. This is from Samuel Kitchen. Need you to have a word with my

mate, Liam. I'm having my wedding next year with all of the boys I have a word with my mate, Liam. I'm having my wedding next year with all of the boys I went to school with, such as Liam there. This fucking rim licker has pied off the wedding because his bird has tickets for them to go watch Taylor Swift. I need you to start again.

My man's brother. Friend. No, let Finn just start again. Give me some words. Need you to have a word with my mate, Liam. I'm having my wedding next year with all of the boys I went to school with, including Liam. I need you to have a word with my mate, Liam. I'm having my wedding next year with all of the boys I went to school with, including Liam.

I think you're doing it too loud. I need you to do it again slightly quieter. No, come on. Do it properly. In a Bristolian accent. Cut all that out. Cut all that. Start again.

In a Bristolian accent. Right. Need you to have a word with my mate, Liam, lads. Is that Bristol? That's all right. Yeah. When we ask you to perform it's very good how we be more lithuanian though go no don't go on just carry on bristol i

don't know yeah i'm having my wedding next year with all the boys i went to school with such as liam there uh this fucking rim licker has played off the wedding because his bird has tickets for them to go watch taylor swift in fucking Cardiff. We've been mates since primary, yet he's choosing Taylor Swift and his absolute slam of hab of a girlfriend over it. Whoa, hab? What the fuck's hab?

Ham, sorry. Have a word with him. Slam of hab. Slam of hab, you said. Slam of hab. Have a word with him and tell me what I need to do. Cheers.

You just didn't get tickets and you got it. It's his wedding. It doesn't fucking matter. Taylor Swift, mate. If he turned around and was like, lad, you know those

Taylor Swift tickets we got? We can't do it anymore because that's when me and Sarah are going to get married. It's going to be next year. I'd be like, lad, soz. Yeah, and I don't understand.

Like, I'll be at your next wedding. Yeah, she's a fucking lady right now. Statistically, 50% of marriages go down the toilet. Statistically, 50% of Taylor Swift concerts do not go down the toilet. Statistically, 50% of the Taylor Swift concerts do not go down the toilet.

Fucked. 100% are fire. If I was his mate, I'd be going to concert. I don't get this Taylor Swift thing. Adam, you would definitely pay off the tickets to go to Carl's wedding. Carl's wedding. Not yours or Finn's.

I'd never put up with that situation. I'd change the wedding day. Yeah. Carl's, I would go. The rest of you acquaintances in this room, I'd be going to the concert, mate. I'm honestly surprised. I thought you were the back.

Nah, she's a bad bitch tailor, mate. And she's dating someone of these fellas. Yeah, the famous quarterback, Travis Kelsey. He's like, he's gone through the roof, him. Yeah. Of course he has, because he's dating the most famous person on the planet. No career before that he started dating Taylor Swift. He was doing all right, but he's playing every week now. Is he good? Because she's got... he's the most famous person on the planet no career before that he started dating Taylor Swift he was doing alright

but he's playing every week now is he good? because she's got she's made him famous she's made him famous was he one of the best or is he just fine? he's one of

he's absolutely first ballot hall of fame tight end but he's getting picked like every week now because she's there so they can't not pick him she's made him more famous I didn't know who he was

before her I didn't either are we doing a meme? what are we doing? what are we doing? What are we doing? No, his brother plays for Philadelphia, doesn't he? And they've got a podcast

together now. I've seen that. New Heights. They're trying to like jump on the thing. Travis Kelsey is now playing every game. He is now more famous

because of Taylor Swift. Even, he's playing every game now. Is that what we're saying? Before, they were like, maybe we'll just drop this generational talent, potentially one of the best tight ends of all time.

Yeah, but people weren't calling him a generational talent like three months ago. It's because of this, isn't it? It's because of Taylor's tight end. We'd have heard of him if he was a generational talent, surely. I have never heard of Trevor Kelsey before. Taylor Swift.

Travis Kelsey. Did he play in the Super Bowl last year? Did he? Did he help win it, really? Is he the best player? Wait, did he actually play in the Super Bowl last year? Did he? Did he help win it, really? Is he the best player? Wait, did he actually play in the Super Bowl last year? Yes, mate. I watched that.

We were there. Get his stats up. I bet he had at least 10 receptions for 95 yards. He's getting like 19, 20 now. Two touchdowns. I want to do a poll. Did you know who Taylor Swift is, Matthew? Yeah, do you know who Travis Kelsey is?

Did you before? There you go. There's no results on Google before two months ago. You stupid twats. I didn't know who he was. I'm out. I don't want to buy it, but you're making me buy it. Oh, you're making me buy it and I feel angry.

Is he good? Oh God, he's so good. Better than her? At what? Yeah, being a tight end. She's never, yeah, she's going to be good in the offensive game because she's got height, but she's not going to be able to block a defensive end.

Fact. She just starts singing. They go, wow. Who did he play for last year? Stop it. You're not allowed to join in on this. They can. Who is in the fan?

You know who Travis Kelce is. The Philadelphia Eagles. I do know who he is. I do now. He's everywhere, isn't he? He's had a podcast now. Put your fishing rods away. He's had a podcast now.

Put your fishing rods away. You have angered me. He's had a podcast now because of Taylor. He didn't have one before. I'm out of fact. No, it's not. Silly bollocks. Did he have a podcast before?

Yeah, he's had it for the last two years. I've never heard of it. Yeah, it's brilliant. Right, back to the... Shout out, Travis Kelce. I am genuinely surprised That you'd pick Taylor Swift over Like your mate's wedding

Not his wedding I would go to his But is it I've never heard you Listen to Taylor Swift That's because I'm sick Of being judged We listen to it in a car

You listen to fucking Country music Yeah, I look at your reaction To that And that's fire Put Taylor Swift on any day Over country music What are you talking about

She's a country singer Really, not anymore She music what are you talking about she's a country singer really not anymore she fucking is mate she's not she's a pop singer now also if you've got no taste in country

you're not going to respect me tasting I don't want the homophobic abuse oh listen to Taylor you big gay I don't want any of this okay

I don't want to be judged for my fucking taste because you want to suck Liam Gallagher off he hasn't done fucking anything since he was in that Beatles tribute band and you know he hasn't do you want to have a little spin on off he hasn't done fucking anything since he was in that Beatles tribute band

and you know he hasn't do you want to have a little spin on your chair it'll make you feel better that is a fact though Taylor Swift's fire she's got nothing on Luke Combs

wow so is the Luke Combs the other option is that how many people would you sack a weathering offer of a gig no the thing is

Luke Combs I feel like I've always got an option to get a ticket because I know people who can sort that out. Taylor Swift, you know, is... You've just got someone to sort your ticket, though, didn't you?

For Taylor Swift, yeah, but that's only because it's at Anfield. Rock and roll shit, mate. And someone who works there sorted me a hospitality ticket out. Jürgen Klopp. There you go, that. So I got lucky there.

So just them two? There's no other... No, it's not that it's just them two. It's just like, going to this Taylor Swift tour. This is one of the biggest tours anyone's ever done. Do you know what I mean?

Which is why... But it's now bigger because she's dating Travis Kelsey. He's helped. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's made it bigger. Wait, here's a question.

Who has benefited more in the social sphere from this relationship? Taylor or Travis? Travis. There you go. That's all we're saying. So stop talking about him as a player though.

He's shit, isn't he? How many Taylor Swift songs do you know, Dan? More than Travis Kelsey songs. Name how many fucking running backs he's done. This is a genuine question. What position is he? How many what? What position is he?

He's a running back four times. He's a running back, I don't know. Stop being silly pricks. He's a tight end. Oh, yeah, tight end. Sorry, you've said that how many running backs isn't that the one

who like bashes people what is he like hey no stop it he's a running back how many running backs

has he done three this year ten yards so we're we're saying to Samuel nah your mate's in the right yeah he is

it doesn't sound like his best mate. If it's your best mate, then that's a problem. If it's not, then fucking... He's in... They went to school together. Ooh. I went to school with Conor Loftus.

That's a long-lasting friendship. No, but the people from school that you invite... I'm telling you right now that if there's a concert on this planet, that would make me turn down an invite to Conor Loftus' flat. Absolutely. Stonewall Fast. Loft-o? The big loft?

Yeah, they... They had issues. Oh, right. Okay, cool. You used to just go sick sometimes. And just pat on everyone. Oh, really? Did he go berserker? With hindsight, he had Asperger's syndrome. But it was funny in school.

Like, we didn't know what it was because no one taught us. And we didn't bully him. No. But he was like six and a half foot tall in like year seven. Was he Lithuanian? He quite looked Lithuanian. He quite looked Lithuanian. We always said that.

But like, other kids would wind him up because they knew what he would do which was he would just start swinging his bag at everyone like he would just try

and knock people out with his backpack and he I would love to see his wedding honestly wow I would love to see his wedding if you're listening Connor

his nickname was Conker Donkel Conker Donkel Hink yeah it was what Conker Donkel Hink we called him Conker Donkel Hink

or Conker Donkel Hink it was one of the two. I can't really remember. Yeah. It doesn't need to be true. It just sounds amazing. It is true though. Can we go for a break?

We've got one little feature just before we go for a break. Oh no. Let me just go and get it. You look starving you. By the way Dan, there's a jingle on page four by the underrated overrated. Yes. It's not on page four, you're lying to us. Go on.

We got it? That's superb. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to this week's edition of Dan vs Food. Dan is a 42-year-old man with several food phobias, and every single week we get him to try a food that he's never had in his mouth before. Hello. You know? You think I've not had it.

Here's our glamorous assistant, Stephen. We were racking our brains this week for stuff that we don't think you'll have tried. Just basic, basic food that everyone has in the week. Staple. Staple of this. I can tell just from what's in that shot glass what this is. Can I? Yeah. Steve, have you ever put a glove on before? What the fuck? OJ Simpson, we call him. Are you ready, Dan?

No. I believe this is going to be spaghetti bolognese. It is? Spaghetti bolognese. And it looks wonderful. Can I just ask where this is from? Casa... Like, this is going to be a really good Spag bol. So, what you're going to want to do...

Hang on. You're going to try it just on its own. Right. And then we're going to add a bit of parmesan. What are you doing? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. No, no, no, no.

I don't have to do it. Spaghetti bolognese with a spoon? Yeah, but... Oh, I'm so hungry. It's too much. Right. No, have you ever done a... Oh, I'm so hungry. It's too much. Right. No, have you ever done a... Dan, have you ever...

Let him just try a fish. Can I just ask quickly, Dan, which of the components of this meal have you had before? Have you had spaghetti before? Yeah. Have you had beef before? Yeah.

Have you had tomato-based sauce before? Well, then you're going to be fine. There you go. That's pathetic. Shut up! It's hard for me, this. You can't... We love you. Oh, it's hard. These feet feel... Right, can I Shut up. It's hard for me, this. You can't, you can... We love you.

Oh, it's hard, these fit and filbius. You know, I like to have fit and filbius. Can I just say... Fucking food. It's really hard. I'm like, Casa Natalia delivered. Listen, listen.

Just give me, like, you can't do portions. Everything's on. All right. That is quite nice. Yay! Yay! So this has got a bit of dick cheese on it.

Parmesan. Yeah, it smells like dick cheese. Have you ever... What? I'm having a fucking spoon. Spaghetti with a spoon. I'm having my yum yum. my yum yum I don't think he likes

parmesan cheese oh it's just tangy salty you're doing a fucking Robert De Niro impression he's just made it better

alright I'd have it can you are you allowed to put a bit of black pepper on there yeah yeah that's what I normally alright I'd have it can you are you allowed to put a bit of black pepper on there yeah yeah that's what I normally do I'd probably allow the fucking

parmesan because it just smells all dead cheesy that strong cheese that you put on your pasta yeah smells cheesy does it it's mad that isn't it

can I just tell you lads this isn't bad but it's not good is it it's casserataglia spag bol it's fine but you're going in for Is it? It's a Casa Natalia spag bol. It's fine.

But you're going in for seconds, like. Adam's about to have the best thing. Oh, look at that. Because I don't hate it. I don't hate it, but it's not very nice. Out of 10, Dan, on your scale? Tell you what,

that's not a great spag bol. Is it not? No. I need to make him a spag bol for him to have a proper spag bol. Okay. Full disclosure. Spag Okay. Full disclosure. Spag bog.

Full disclosure. What you've given me here is not one of my phobias. You've given me something that I haven't had loads of spag bol. Fuck this thing. But this hasn't gone in. So when someone the other day suggested cheesy chips, I was like, yeah, all right, yeah, cool. I'll give it a try.

Like, this isn't a phobia of mine. It's just something I wouldn't choose. So, you know, when I was a kid and I started rejecting everything, my mum was like, right, he needs to eat something. So she made me cheese on toast and a plate of fruit. And I had that every night till from about 1985 to about 1997.

And honestly, I wasn't scared of it. I didn't like it particularly, but I could eat it. This almost falls in that realm of stuff that I'm like, I'm not arsed about that, but I'm not scared of it. You know the soup? That's phobia levels. Right, just you wait. Okay, we've been too easy on you this week then.

Next week, you're going to hell. Out of 10, Dan? Out of 10? Well, it's five. It's just dead average. It's nothing and then it's just I'd give that a five and a half, six. It's pretty average.

There you go. Sorry to be disappointed. I'm not trying to egg you on. Oh, you've fucked it now. Casa d'Italia doesn't travel well. Casa d'Italia is one of the best Italians in Liverpool, but it doesn't travel very well at all. I hope you like fucking veal bumhole mate just to clarify

Casa Italia is a beautiful restaurant don't want them pissed off no it's a good but don't get a delivery going

sit in I'm not asking dead hard fucking Travis Kelsey well we've just been for some delicious Mediterranean food

I had a chicken tikka and a bit of bread you had the same thing but you had chips as well you big fat cunt Jim Owens here How are you doing? I'm good

Is that a fresh Liverpool shirt? It is I've just been to the shop around the corner I'm trying to get tickets to the the Derby Liverpool-Everton game Big Liverpool fan?

No, yeah enough Yeah More of that than any other Premier team I'm not a pundit I often watch it with the The Derby, Liverpool-Everton game. Big Liverpool fan? No, yeah, enough. Yeah. More of that than any other Premier team. I'm not a pundit. I often watch it with the sound down. Yeah.

And, you know, just enjoy it. We've been discussing that recently in here. Like, the commentary is, the bar is on the floor, isn't it? Well, not that. It's just so much I like the fluency of watching it with the sound it's just one of those things I enjoy it'd be quite good if you could get it without the commentary

but with the crowd sound that'd be good yeah that's not a bad idea yeah I could see that didn't they have that Jordan yeah COVID

COVID no they did they did no they just had they had the commentary either with the awkward silence of an empty stadium or the commentary with fake crowd they silence of an empty stadium or the commentary

with fake crowd. They didn't have a no commentary option. I thought they had just the crowd. They should have had an option where you can just turn Steve McManaman off. That would be a really good one for me. In South Africa

at the World Cup they had something that could cancel out the... The Vuvuzela. It was Brazil, wasn't it? The Vuvuzelas. Was that Brazil? No, that was South Africa. South Africa, yeah. The Vuvuzela, was Brazil wasn't it the Vuvuzels yeah was that Brazil no that was

South Africa yeah the Vuvuzel you could cancel it out so maybe some sort of cancel commentary in Brazil

they had an option where you could cancel out all the women's massive arses with big fat batties yeah the big fat batties you could hear them

oh yeah when they stand up when like someone's thrown a gun they all stand up fuck off my memory and I've said this before of the Vuvuzela Oh yeah, when they stand up. When someone's doing a goal and they all stand up. Fuck off. My memory, and I've said this before, of the Vuvuzela,

was having a balcony in my flat in Manchester and it was World Cup time and one of us bought a Vuvuzela just because it was one of the things. That's not that. That's something else. No, it's... Vuvuzela's... Vuvuzela's...

No. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the rackety, aren't they? Yeah, yeah. So we had... Oh, yeah. But do you know there's a toy that looks a bit like a Vuvuzela

where you whip it round? That's the window. And there was two... There was two crackheads having sex next to the canal and we blew the Vuvuzela and she obviously went, right, well, that's enough.

They're blowing horns and you could see him be like, fucking thanks, lads. I love that the only thing that was stopping him getting laid was a Vuvboo sailor that thing i don't know it does sound like a euphemism for a woman's vagina doesn't it yeah but she had a lovely boo-boo sailor the noise the noise of your being a sailor. How much... Is that you?

Yeah. I've lots of talent, you know. Something like that. I've never... You've never tried an impression and you've never tried it before. That was it. I wouldn't much the welcome with that noise on.

That's always annoying. Have you ever been with a woman who had a noisy fanny? I wouldn't much to welcome with that noise on that's annoying yeah have you ever been with a woman who had a noisy fanny or like a needs oiling no you ever made a like

a little fanny a queef but I've got quite a fat mons pubis yeah yeah so if I

am with a lady with also you know a little bit of meat on it there is like a healthy slap on it but never an individual sound I'm not talking about

slapping a beer I'm talking about like a minge buff oh dear oh dear it's a very very embarrassing moment for the lady

yeah and everyone no you're meant to laugh but then you have to like sort of comfort them whilst also pretending you didn't enjoy it you have to be like

oh I don't worry about that that smells great yeah but when you're in the moment, laughing's not on. No jokes, no jokes. We'll do a bit of laughing later, but you know, so it's a really difficult moment

and you feel sorry for them. It's just awkward for everyone involved. Nothing a firm handshake won't, you know. Yeah. Play on, drop ball, let's go. Yeah. Penises don't make any noise, do they? Famously.

I personally farted during a massage and then for the rest of the massage, the girl was just trying not to laugh. Like, I could feel the vibration of her laughing the whole way. Which helped the massage. Yeah, yeah. Which is, you know, another level. Like the little vibration she was doing,

that the whole way through. But then I painted at the end, I just looked, I shook her hand, but then I looked at her eye end I just looked I shook her hand but then I looked her eye we shared a moment together I was talking to a friend of mine right

he's on tour with us at the minute so he's opening for me his name's Alfie and Jack's as well so we had a it looked like we were going to have a day off

where we had like a day where we were just going to be away and nothing to do and I was going to book us a spa day for the boys you know little spa massage each and alfie was like oh i don't get massages because i'm scared of getting an erection uh and i was like i just don't even with farting i think a

masseuse has been through everything it's possible to be through with other people leave massages in the past i don't think a boner a fast, I think you could do a little poo and she'd be like third time this week. I don't think it's like as big a deal to them as it is to us. What if it's a foot massage?

I think then I think then that is out of order, innit? I'll be honest, love. Once you hit that big toe, I just shat everywhere. So I don't know if you want to take a break

before doing the left foot. I'm not sure. Surely they want you to get a little boner because then they're like... No, I think they're pretty keen on you not getting a boner. I've always got one.

Not always. I don't even know. There's a little Thai lady under there. When I get a massage, I'm like... When I get a massage, I'm going to... Yeah, I've never had a massage.

And not... I always had a little I'm going to Willy's. Yeah, I've never had a massage. And not... And not... I always had a little bit of a chub on. Yeah. Hard side. Especially on your back. Do you have a lot of that here where you don't know if it is

like a straight up for real massage or there's a bit more? Like you don't really... It's awkward, isn't it? Isn't it? Yeah. How do you ask? I don't know.

I think it should say on the door. It's just all quite simple massage little emoji it's legit that's all you need i think uh with the best the best way to approach things like this and you don't know is you just ask them out right but then when they react like oh you just go look i just asked to make sure like how would you ask as you're coming in she things like this and you don't know is you just ask them outright but then when they react like oh you just go look I just asked to make sure how would you ask as you're coming in

she's like go on just put your robe there just go you're alright love yeah just wondering is this one of the ones where you wank us off at the end

no not a problem no worries just wondering yeah don't want to make it awkward but okay now I know a friend of mine

went for a straight up massage as he thought and at the end the girl says to him would you like a happy ending and he wasn't and he went yeah why not

so she goes out and he comes back and about 15 minutes later have you finished that does happen that's a DIY really yeah yeah

that does happen sometimes they're like you wanna you wanna have a little wank to you well I'll just leave you and I'll come back in a minute subtle you wanna have a little wank to you or I'll just leave you and I'll come back in a minute subtle you wanna have a wank

do you wanna touch your own penis to the point where you have an orgasm nice one feel free to shit anywhere I'm a masseuse I've seen it all

I have a friend that used to phone up those those sex lines but back in the back in the 90s you know where they

charge money for um talking horny to you and he got quite a bit of money he got an erection before he phoned him up so he was already you know a match fit you know he was already there ready to go because it was cheaper saved money Jim, every time you tell one of these stories, you keep saying a friend of yours. It's hard to say. Love Liverpool.

Either you've got one friend who is a completely open book and tells you everything he's ever done, or... Dan, if you were getting a massage, just like with Adam, like next door, you both went to a spa. Not from Adam. No, and she went,

do you want me to wank you off to completion? Would you say yes? Why is Adam here? Why does that... Because this is possible. Yeah, well, I'd cheat on my wife, but if Adam's two doors down, no. Because he's a grass.

No. No, I'm not... Is it cheating? No. Listen, I'm not. Is it cheating now? Listen, I've been told pretty firmly. He's getting wanked off by a masseuse. Cheating. I think Laura, my wife, would be fuming

even if I got offered the transaction. What if it was a masseur? A man? Yeah. Yeah, well then, he can't be cheating because I'm not gay. I'm just getting wanked off by a guy

to completion and being like, I've got to fucking hell, lads. Have you got Vuvuzela? So would you go, no, don't wank me off. I'm just getting wanked off by a guy to completion and being like, so you're fucking on, lads. Have you got Vuvuzela? So would you go, no, don't wank me off. I'm going home. Yeah. Do you know that joke about the queen?

The guy broke into the queen's bedroom all those years ago. Go on. And he's sitting on the bed with the queen, says to the queen, go on, show me your tits. Queen says, no way. I shouldn't even be doing this. Queen says no way I shouldn't even be doing this

that was that was big you know what I think has been lost I'm into it I'm into it you know with the modernisation of comedy

I think jokes like that have been so lost oh yeah no one tells jokes anymore do you know any jokes Dan what

do you know any jokes no go What? Do you know any jokes? No go on do you? No I'm asking you. No I'm terrible with jokes. I literally haven't got that recall. I can remember a joke if somebody's talking about something that is in relationship to that. And then that way your brain can easily go there but somebody starts telling you a joke

no reference to what you're talking about. You're like what are we talking about now? Okay what do you think about England, Ireland and Scotland? Yeah yeah yeah. Here we go um what's your favorite joke ever have you got one oh well that one's pretty up there that's great i like i like uh the kind of silly ones uh patty and mary get married and on their wedding day mary jumps into bed takes all the clothes off lies across the bed says to patty you know what i want he says the whole of the bed but the look of it genuinely why i haven't got the joke recall like jason manford came on and you

could tell he could just do he could have done the whole podcast with just jokes but i haven't got i haven't got the recall of it i just don't have it sorry mickey mouse mickey mouse and minnie mouse are getting divorced. Hasn't gone well. Tits up. They're in court together. Judge is reading through the facts of the case, making his deliberation. Takes the glasses off, looks at Mickey Mouse, says, Mickey, just

because you say the wife's got big teeth, there's no real grounds for a divorce. And Mickey Mouse goes, I didn't say she had big teeth. I said she was fucking goofy. That's up there. The only one I ever remember, and it's so stupid, and it's because my mum used to tell jokes all the time, and this is her one.

And it's not even that good, but I'm going to tell you it anyway. And the reason it's so memorable for me is she would tell me this maybe like once a year, and then she would fall apart laughing before she really got to the punchline but it was like every year she couldn't remember she told me before so she's like teachers teachers in class right and she's going right class today we're gonna do the alphabet today we're gonna do the alphabet so i'm gonna say a letter and I just want everyone to put their hand up and you tell me a word that begins with that letter. She goes, right, so we'll start with A.

And obviously the class are nervous, they're young kids. There's only one kid who puts his hand up, little Timmy. She goes, go on, Timmy, give me a word beginning with A. And he goes, arsehole! And she goes, that is bang out of order, Timmy. You do not say that word. No, that is naughty. Don't be swearing.

You know that's a naughty word. She goes, right, B. And again, everyone sees what's just happened to Timmy. They're not risking anything. So Timmy just stands up again. She goes, right, Timmy, be good. And he goes, yeah, bollocks. Right?

She's like, look, I'm not going to ask you again. I'm not going to ask you again. She gets to C. It's cock. D, dick. And she's like, you're not doing it anymore. But then people are starting to put their hands up. And by the way, by the time she gets to G,

everyone else has given up. No one else is putting their hand up. She goes, G. And it's just Timmy again. She goes, I'm not coming to you, Timmy. You need someone else. You'd be really naughty. And he's just like this, this, this.

She goes, right, this is your last chance. What's the word beginning with G? And he goes, gnome. And she goes, that is so good, Timmy. Well done. It's great that even at your age, you know that that begins with G. Well done.

And can you tell everyone what a gnome is? And he goes, there's a little man with fucking big ears. Is that your mum's joke? Yeah. Fucking. Anro. Should I have a bit's joke. Yeah. Fucking. Anro. Shall we have a bifter? Yeah.

What's that? What's that mean? But she's dead. Oh, is she? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. She is, yeah. She's fucked to death by a gnome.

Oh. That's for you, Anne. Smoking biffs in heaven I can remember a joke And I can remember who told me the joke I can remember where I was when I heard the joke If I have a good joke that I like Yeah, I can

Chris Lagan told me that The Mickey Mouse one Paddy and Mary Yeah, could probably can't you just have to trust me on that do you uh i've been a fan of your work for a while i last night uh just because i knew you were coming today i went back and watched your eyebrow routine that you did on TV quite a while ago. Yeah. And I, up until we sort of got you in the studio,

I didn't do any research enough, because I've always wondered why you haven't been on every TV show ever made over here, because one of my favourite comics. But you live in Australia, and you have done it for a long time. How did that happen? At what point does a comedian based over here or near

here well i wasn't a comedian i was a backpacker i was working on building sites so wow so you started in australia i started doing stand-up so i was there like a year and there was a comedy night on and i got up where did you go i got up and there was a comedy uh somebody put my name down we were in plain pool and uh someone put my name down and We were in Plainpool. And someone put my name down. And I got up, like, totally naive. I started telling jokes. I started like, all right, here's one. And then they started laughing at the fact I was telling jokes because nobody told jokes.

And then I thought they'd heard it because they were all laughing. And I was like, oh, you know this one? All right, here's another one. And then they thought I was getting freaking big laughs, not even knowing why I was getting the laughs. Like I was doing, well, I'm getting laughs here and I hadn't planned it.

And yeah, and then watched the rest of the night and went, oh, frig, this is the best night ever. This is like somewhere in between a play and going to see a band. This is like really enjoyable. That's a good,

that is a good description of life's done up. Yeah. Because you go to a play with your mum or your parents and you go, it's too much. And a band, you'd be trying to, so this is, you know of life's done up. Because you go to a play with your mum or your parents, and you go, it's too much. And a band, you'd be trying to, so this is, you know, like Goldilocks. It was in between, perfect. And, you know, I was hanging out with Irish people in Australia,

so it was a really good way of meeting up with a whole new group of people. And then, you know, just started doing it. And because I hadn't really watched it, that kind of helped me get into it, sort of really find a voice that I wasn't copying anyone else. So I was just going along with what I thought was funny after that. And then I did a little lot of lying as well. This lady says to me, I booked a comedy club in Melbourne. How long have you been doing stand-up for?

And I said, five years. That was the third week I was doing it. But I had a friend bob franklin and he'd done loads of gigs with you know paul merton and bing hitler and all these people who being hitler who was i know his cousin what's you know that's a character the guy went on to become a big big scottish star in america at his own chat show. Craig Ferguson What? Craig Ferguson. Anyway that was Craig Ferguson's character

being Hitler yeah. Fuck. And I photocopied his little things put them on a sheet, tippexed his name out and typed my name over the top of it and then faxed it back this is back in the day of faxes. Oh you took his CV and just totally. Yeah exactly he was cool with it and got faxed it back this is back in the day of faxes oh you took his cv and just totally exactly he was cool with it and uh got booked to do support went down and then you know

did three weeks every night for three weeks and then got booked to do like six weeks so then within the first two or three months i had flying hours that were like the equivalent of two or three years over here and that was like such a great start into meeting everyone that was you know doing comedy what year we're talking as you this is 80 88 the end of 88 90 it needed nine after that of course um give me here there's a leap year that year um But yeah, I ended up, you know, and then I ended up just doing well in Australia and I knew that if I

came back here, I'd be like a Northern Ireland comic expected to talk about Northern Ireland. And they couldn't hear my accent. They just thought I had a doily doily accent, you know. How's it going? Like they couldn't hear the sinisterness in the tone. They couldn't pick up on that.

So they were Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley were the only people on TV when I was doing it so you know it was just one of those things it was just fortunate that I did it in Australia and it was good timing and a good place to do it It's so interesting hearing you talk about your sort of exposures to stand up

because I think a lot of comics have that and i've never heard it described that way halfway between a play and seeing a band and the goldilocks thing which i think is fucking excellent but it's that isn't it it's so many comedians and people who end up doing stand-up they see live stand-up for the first time and just something in them goes oh i'm home yeah yeah yeah you find your people this is my people i've been looking for my people yeah yeah this is my this is this is what i've been looking for but you never knew you were looking for it but it's just like oh here we are yeah i did i did everything i did everything but

like that wasn't comedy like performing arts i did theater my mom put me into all sorts i did theater studies a level i knew i didn't want to be an actor went to uni and exactly that light bulb moment when i got taken down to the old hyena in newcastle and i sat there and within 10 minutes of watching dave johns compare i was like i don't know how to do this and i don't know if i'm going to be able to do this but i am going to be here a lot and i got a job there it was just exactly that just going that's whatever magic is in the air that's like that's a normal people watch it for years and put a lot of pressure i'd already done it and i didn't even realize i'd done it yeah

the other way around you know like and then and then people going to me you know you've got to watch comedy who's your favorite comedian i go i fucking don't know any comedians i have no clue i know tommy, I liked him. What about all the rest of them? And then a mate of mine, he sat me down, showed me videos of stuff, and I've gone, oh, frick, this is an art form. People are really into this.

Oh, wow, this is really tricky. But you never got into that. You sort of just did your thing and it always worked. Did you end up getting, like, intertwined with the industry stuff, or were you always just like, I'm just doing what I do? No, I started seeing people I really liked, like, Shandling, you I do? No, I started seeing people I really liked,

like Shandling, you know, Gary Shandling and just seeing some of his stuff and, you know, just being on, just seeing other comics and you go, right, I like that.

I really like what you're doing. And, you know, you're sort of, you're influenced, totally influenced by people you watch and their tone or their type,

like just the way their attitude. Bob Franklin, for example, that comedian. Like, everyone else was talking about sport, talking about, and he was talking about rubbish, absolute. And I was going, oh, yeah, you can talk about whatever you want to talk about. It doesn't really matter. And if you can find something.

And all the thoughts I had that worked out into good routines, I had them as a kid anyway. So I already had stuff worked out in my head i didn't i didn't know the environment that you could where could you tell these stories or you know who would listen to this yeah but they were like thoughts that were good comedic thoughts i think me and carl so me and carl went to school together and we were best friends back then and it felt for a long time me and him that no one else really had our sense of humor because it was so stupid

and it's not even in my stand up where that's come out it's this podcast this podcast has become a sort of produced version

of what we've done since we were 17 that in our heads no one would have ever got it oh yeah and that's the other thing when I started doing it

I was in Australia and like no one could understand me like literally I was working on a building site and you know you'd say something on passing like like and they go what sorry and i was not just in reference to what you were talking about and that why would that be in reference like you know what forget it just move on and i couldn't interact with people i was talking that's why i've probably got a visual face because nobody understood me. I was like spending the whole time trying to sell something.

And then I went on stage and not only did they understand me, but they found me funny. And it felt like I had this room full of people that I'd gone to school with. Like, oh, you get this. You get this. So that was the other thing that was just, you find, I find people big time.

There is something about that, isn't it? When something's just funny and then you throw in a premise this so that was the other thing that was just you find you find my people big time there is something about that isn't it when something's just funny and then you throw in a premise and it's neither a joke or a story it is just for whatever reason within the context of that conversation and we can be talking in real life or this podcast it just builds and it's funny like you add to it and then someone else adds to it and then this and then and then yeah try doing that in... That's why... That wasn't one of those moments.

No, no. I've never done jokes, but in conversation, a joke works. If you're just telling someone and trying to be funny, just being able to be like, here's the setup,

that's the joke. But there is something magical about stand-up where you get to the end of someone's set and you're like, I'm not sure where that started, exactly where it ended,

but it was fucking beautiful all the way through the performance the act out i love it especially the magic you can't see it coming it's just that's a good joke isn't it really i did vicar street and i watched uh richie brady in support and vicar street's got these little like a plank in front of you and you can put your beer there and you're in the darkness so listening in the darkness is like listening to a podcast at night

has that real intensity you can really listen to their like I like I like listening to someone's act in the darkness because then I can go ha ha you know

as opposed to that laugh that you do yeah yeah yeah you make it look like I'm having a good time ha ha you're like really watching going ha ha

yeah yeah yeah that's how we watch comedy if something's funny we go yeah yeah that's hilarious you go yeah oh i see what he definitely definitely at home you're watching tv and you can get someone you've done well yeah that's that's really good oh yeah if you've got a laugh out loud and it's on TV or on a special that is a big laugh isn't it because there's something about being in the room

but it's so much better when it's darker in the actual room like when you get to a venue and the lights are all on in the audience that's how we leave it you're like fuck that doing like live at the Apollo watching it on TV you're like fuck that yeah doing like doing like live at the Apollo watching that on

tv you're like watching the audience watching the show you're like you're one removed again it's not like that and loads of people even now loads of people never seen stand-up like you meet people that was the first time and when I started like you knew everybody doing stand-up everyone get into it by some weird story like Owen O'Neil told me he says uh do a poem on stage you get a pint so he'd write a poem and then get up on stage and and then you know that led into meeting other people that don't want to come to this room they do stand up what and then you're off yeah yeah yeah john bishop started in comedy just because he didn't want to pay the entry he got down to the amateur night at the frog and bucket and they were like yeah it's like four quid in or it's free if you're an act and he

was like i'm not paying four quid and just signed up and that was how he became a comic we used to i used to run a comedy club in melbourne and we used to always get three first timers because they would always bring about six or seven people yeah you'd always bring a crowd like so just get two or three of them and you've got enough to make the room work yeah where's your favorite like doesn't matter on size you just talked about vicar street we we were there doing a podcast show in july and it was unbelievable where's your favorite room to play doesn't matter if it's tiny or huge alpha is good because you know it's a good size room and I'm from that

part of the world and Derry's good yeah there's loads of rooms like that theatre I was telling you about last night just walk in

and you go you don't know what you're going to get sometimes I'm in Manchester and you know that's a big rock and roll room

but being in a nice theatre is kind of like you go oh wow I wasn't expecting this this is you know a good spot the Opera House in Belf theatre is kind of like you go oh wow I wasn't expecting this this is you know

a good spot the Opera House in Belfast is good last night I did crew I'll tell you a story last night I did crew raining I've come out the side door

taken off somebody recognised me and then this guy goes and I went oh okay I don't wind the window down going

the premiere end just up the road so he thinks I'm an Uber or something and I go Okay, I don't know. Wind the window down. The Premier in, just up the road. So he thinks I'm an Uber or something. And I go on, what? And then he goes, oh, oh yeah, we've been seeing you. Oh, really? And the wife was coming, it's raining.

I go, get in the back, don't say anything, right? All right, okay. He got in the back and then the wife got in the back and I'm driving she's prepping her in again and then she's just doing that wee look going no we've just been to see you

and they were lovely they drove from they drove from Ayrshire down stayed in the hotel and I dropped them off but I just felt like just oh it was a funny moment

you know last week so Jack is doing all of the driving for my tour and I think it might have been after crew actually no maybe it can might have been after crew, actually. No, maybe it can't have been,

because we went for the pint after that one. So he pulled up outside my building on the docks in Liverpool. And me and Alfie are getting out. Alfie's staying in mine. And this group of four women from York come over and they go to him, Hanover Street, love.

You're Hanover Street. And he went, yeah, yeah, 50 quid. I'll do 50 quid. And he went, yeah, yeah, 50 quid. I'll do 50 quid. And she went, 50 pound. We paid six today. You can fuck off. Right? And Jack goes, well, 50 quid.

I'm not doing it, love, because I'm about to go home. So it's 50 quid or not. And she goes, I'll fucking walk. I'll walk, son. Then she walked in the opposite direction. As she's walking away, she goes, you fucking scouse cunts. And then she went,

I can tell from looking at you, you're all in the IRA, and I don't know where that came from. Am I lying, though? No. You're not, are you? No, yeah, I am. I am saying... You put a balaclava on.

Is that how they're funding the fight just expensive Ubers what price Jack would you have gone yeah fuck it let's go like if they'd have gone alright we'll give you 30

would you have thought about it you should have done it for 6 quid for the story I would have he's got a lovely car he's fucking absolutely fucking Rottweilers getting

in the car and brewing were they Scottish as well no we don't call women dogs they're from Yorkshire

Yorkshire they were really rude we're not calling women dogs are we no Protestant by the sounds of it

another thing happened last night no I reject your yellow card fuck off another thing that happened last night

you know when you do a good deed, right? The trick is not to tell anyone, right? I can't do that. It was pouring rain. I've gone in to get petrol. I've come out. As I've gone in,

the guy's turning the engine over, but there's no fuel in the line. Growing up in the 70s, cars broke down all the time. Everybody knew how to fix a car. I could tell there was no fuel in the line, and up in the 70s cars broke down all the time everybody knew how to fix a car I could tell there was no fuel

in the line and there was a whole couple of the family were in into the petrol station and I've driven off but I've gone to drive off

but I've just stopped I can hear him still doing it and I've stopped and I reversed pulled alongside him wound down the window I says

he goes I've run out of petrol I come in I've filled up I go yeah but there's no fuel in the line. I can hear,

you can hear nothing. You need to pump it. Just pump it. Don't try and turn it on. Just pump it. And then he pumped it two or three times. That's the creature.

Three times, let it go. Try again. And he's going, oh, and he's pumped it. I go, don't pump it again.

You'll flood it. Right. This is what we're told as kids. My dad always said, don't, it'll flood. And then I could just try again and it just turned over. Like, I't pump it again. You'll flood it. Right, this is what we're told as kids. My dad always said, it'll flood. And then I could just try again, and it just turned over. Like, I felt like a knight.

I just drove off. We're going to go for a very short break. Before we do, Jim, would you please tell us, you're on tour at the minute. You are coming to Liverpool, and obviously, I mean, we've got listeners all over the way up, but just tell people where they can find

tickets for your tour is it jimowen.com yeah yeah yeah and then ticketmaster or something or maybe there's not anyway it's jimowen.com

you can look at that and then that leads into yeah all the dates are there and if you've never seen Jim live you've absolutely got to go and do it

and yeah if you haven't seen any of Jim's work before, go and check it out on YouTube. There's so many clips you can watch. And especially my favorite one is Michael McIntyre's Comedy Roadshow with the eyebrow routine.

And my personal favorite bit is the finding the funniest part of the stage, which is so unbelievably funny. I watched it last night. Let's have a break. And we'll see you in a minute. Hey, you! The podcast's on a little break we'll see you in a minute. Hey, you! The podcast's on a little break here, isn't it?

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share our stuff if you see a video like it and share it it costs you nothing makes the world a different source you know what I mean don't be a dick about it don't be sly

share it you fucking lid don't be a fucking rat hello welcome back we've got some pet peeves coming your way that doesn't work there's just things

people write in that really piss them off and you can add your own have you got any off the top of your head? Little things. Not like, you know, coming home to your wife. Little things that piss you off.

Alright, little things, yeah. It's not huge things like my house exploded. Put on the white in snooker. Israel Gaza. No, no, no. No. I love how that's a pet peeve the middle east the middle eastern conflict just war you know yeah war in general it gets on my give us an example thing what have we got so the first

example we've got is from kai brooks uh and they say when you go to put sugar on your cereal and there's bits of coffee mixed into the sugar so still putting sugar how old's guy you can't be putting sugar on your cereal as an adult you are in no position to tell anyone what they can and can't oh come on sugar on your cereal what order do you build your coffee or tea as well yeah what how do you build your coffee or tea done i go coffee first yeah And then I'd go sugar last. You go sugar? In a coffee? Yeah. Yeah, I don't like coffee,

so I sugar it up to fuck. I don't know. Tea, no, nothing tea? No. I mean, if it's espresso, I don't need sugar because nothing masks the awful,

ground, fucking bitter taste of that. But my God, I like the feeling. Do you know what I mean? It's like having mushrooms. Magic mushrooms are the same there's no sugar

can help with that we tried that sugar sugar on them and cream oh yeah caramelised magic mushrooms I'm in

I don't like see my wife does this like if I was getting sugar like she'll make a cup of tea and a bit of sugar and then do you want some sugar

and I go yeah and then she pours and I go that's enough and then she just does some sugar and I go yeah and then she pours and I go that's enough and then she just does a little bit more like she's a control freak like just that little thing

extra you go that's enough or my mum on plate like do you want another potato that's enough and then she just gives me

another potato I mean that's on you for not realising by now that just ask to stop one before you wanted to or do you think she'd figure that out

and she'd be like fuck it yeah that's all you're getting and then you haven't got enough potatoes yeah yeah we used to pretend we didn't like something

because if we did like it she'd be going that's enough of that you know if you were going try those strawberries oh they're lovely that's enough where's she going

try those strawberries oh they're lovely that's enough try those strawberries oh they're horrible eat it how long have you been with her my mum my wife too long I don't know

we've been 23 years so long time and then we were with each other for seven years before we got married I didn't run down the aisle. I saw loads of mates run down the aisle.

That was all over in six months. So I was doing, you know, steady as we go. Yeah, you pace yourself, don't you? Sorry. Sorry. Just you saying that made me laugh a little bit. Why? No, no, no.

You've become very sensible in your old age. He's a paceman. He's a paceman. I am. Didn't you ask what I was planning after about four weeks? Yeah, but I was fat and bald in like 33. So there was reasons

for your sprinting. Doesn't mean that makes me a sprinter. I need to tie it down. And you can't talk because you are snail pacemate. Yeah, the snail wins the race. Famously. What is it?

The tortoise. The snail wins the race. I've been with my partner 12 years. I mean, he got engaged this year. Yeah. That's better than starting at the older and working your way backwards

they only had sex two years ago so it's getting there isn't it it's nice a decade in let me have sex with you

the snail wins the race I've got all the fucking zingers today mate right the next pet peeve is from Joe Durant.

Why do girls have legs? Have you seen the mess snails make? It just reminded me I would not agree with that joke in this day and age. Is it cum, yeah? Like pussy juice? Oh, I thought it was already

bad. I went to blood. Oh, God. That bad. I went to blood. Oh, God. That's a dying snail. No, you know like the trail a snail leaves? A snail trail. A woman could do that with it if her pussy was dripping and she was like dragging herself along the floor.

We all had it. Oh, my God. Oh, Lord. Travis Kelsey's a fucking shit player and he's lucky Taylor Swift's looking at him. Carry on, Phil. Joe Durant says, all right, fellas, got a pet peeve.

Eating a really good sandwich, but the filling is too full and falls all over your lap. No. There's never been an overfilled sandwich in the history of butties, mate. Tell you what's worse, though. Like people scrimping on a butty. You get a bacon butty from somewhere

and there's two slices of bacon on the whole sandwich. Fuck off. Yeah. Do you not think there can be a time where it's just messy? If it's a really messy sandwich, yeah. It becomes like a gourmet burger. You know when burger...

Yeah. I had a burger recently and it was just burger shaped. Make gourmet burgers. This is nice. Make them wider, not taller. Yeah. It's good chops. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, right. Here's the thing. No one relates taller. Yeah. Good chops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, right. Here's the thing. No one relates this. This is obviously an age thing, but I don't think it happens now, but sometimes you get a packet of crisps and you open them and they'd be damp. What?

They'd be damp and all of them were damp. And you'd eat it and you'd go, like, you know, you're expecting a crunch. Oh, yeah. And it's damp. And you're like you know you were expecting a crunch and it's done and you're like oh oh right and then we have the next crisp you've totally forgotten you ever play pinball and one flipper is dodgy and every time the ball comes down you've forgotten that it's dodgy and every crisp is disappointing like and every crisp is disappointing. And you go, oh,

and then you think in the next show, oh, oh, and then slowly you start to be like, steel, yeah. They don't come up as much.

No. I hate that really burnt cindery crisp. No, what? That's the worst. The burnt ones are the best. You don't want to break your teeth

and you don't want to block your teeth. Oh, they're bad, man. Oh, mate. They've been in the oven

like four times, just like burning in the corner like, mate. They've been in the oven like four times just like burning in the corner like, take me out. Yeah, it's like a roast potato. The burnt ones are the best. Crisp packets are much bigger now, aren't they? Yeah.

Yeah, but there's less crisps in them. Like the other ones with the wagon wheels. It's deceiving. They're at their work. Right. I used to say, like if you sometimes,

apparently, if you took a box, if you sent a letter to the crisp company, they'd send you a box of crisps. Just a letter going, can I have a box of crisps? Oh, no, if you said, look, I've got a damn packet here. Got to be careful where that letter ends up, haven't you? I've got a damn packet.

I've got a damn packet and I want you to do something about it. And you'd end up with a whole box of crisps. I don't know if anyone ever... Did you know every crisp goes out of date on a Saturday? What? Every packet of crisps goes out of date on a Saturday. Come on. What?

It does, yeah. Packed. What? Every single packet of crisps goes out of date on a Saturday. For why? For why? For law. For why?

It's international law. Is it? Yeah. International human crisp rights. I think it's like From walkers to lays Mate All the same Guy's sister's girlfriend

I've got a different Flavoured condom So what do you reckon That one is She goes I think it's cheese and onion He goes I haven't got an onion

Because his dick smells Because his dick really smells Blood Did you go to blood? Blood Animals If you don't If you don't wash your cock down It gets cheesy and oniony Doesn't it? Oniony? Oniony Because his dick smells. Because his dick really smells. Did you go to blood? Blood. Animals. If you don't wash your cock down, it gets cheesy and oniony, doesn't it?

Oniony? Oniony. Oniony now. That's what Laura's like. Go die for an onion. And a shower. Right, this one's from George Bollas. What does cock taste like, I wonder?

Like, what's it most like? Surprisingly good. What? Like, because people, like, pussy's a bit like, it's like good fishy batteries, isn't it? It's like? Surprisingly good. What? Like, because people, like, pussy's a bit like, it's like gold fishy batteries, isn't it? It's like 2p coins. Yeah.

Yeah, you've like left on the side. Yeah. Like sucking a quid. Like a snail. Like putting your tongue on a battery. So what's cock? Dan? Hey, you think I'm a fuzzy eater,

but I know what dick's like. I haven't had fucking kebab till last week. You're the only man in here who's snogged a man, I think. That's true. What does cock taste like? Yeah, that'd be a different snog, wouldn't it? I guess he might have had the last cock that was in his mouth on his tongue when you snogged him,

so you are the best place to have a guess. What did he taste like? Wrigley's. Girls, can you write in below, what does cock taste like? Thank you. Just girls. Girls and gays we're all men i want girls to talk george bollis says uh when someone asks you a stupid question when you have a mouthful of food and you have to do that awkward chew swallow and then reply while they wait for an answer so you know when someone's chatting yeah yeah? Yeah, right, right, right. When the waiter

picks that as the perfect moment to ask if everything's okay, you just put your biggest mouthful in. Nando's are bad for that. I think you're allowed to just not answer at that point. If they're so bad professionally that they can't time the is everything alright with your meal? If you're literally full of, that is all the answer you need.

Like, I've got a mouthful, so obviously it's going pretty well do you think they time it do you do time they time it when your mouthful so you can't really complain because you've got a mouth that's literally what you do it so you can't complain what the nando's in town i don't think they're timing anything mate i think they're wandering around on ketamine just doing whatever they want that's how it feels like you get the punchline of a story or something at the end of an anecdote and just walk right in on the

yeah yeah yeah when you're telling like your big group of mates a story and you're just about to drop the thing and they come on everybody like what you did there

oh anyway Jewish he was okay nothing else Sean what were you saying forget it you'll never hear that punchline

Jewish this one's from Craig similar I think pet peeve in. Forget it. You'll never hear that. Jewish. This one's from Craig. Similar, I think. Pet peeve. When someone tries to talk to you and you've got headphones on. I mean, that would make my job really hard, wouldn't it? That's a pet peeve.

I remember having headphones on for the first time in the language laboratory at school, and we were fucking around around and Peter, he's got the headphones on but he can't hear because there are those green ones like from Russia

and those old ones and he's going, fuck, stop it, she's looking at it. Like he couldn't, he wasn't aware of the fact that he was shouting

because he had the headphones on. Fuck, stop it, she's fucking looking at it. And the teacher could hear? The teacher could hear. Everyone could hear. He was the only one with the headphones on

shouting his head off. Yeah, solid. I remember the first time I had headphones on. Yeah, I mean, it doesn't take much to go. What? Like, if you just tap mine, it stops. Fancy. I had a comment on one of my Instagram

videos the other day saying I don't like this fella. I led on to him in town the other week and he just blanked me completely. Didn't even take his headphones off. They're me and me earpods obviously because that's all I wear. I was like, so you've said hello

when I haven't heard you and you think I'm being rude because I've got my earphones in. Did they like you before that? I don't know. They might have just not liked you if they were going to tell you they didn't like you. Mad. Mental.

Last one from Danny. Do you know where they have a left ear and a right ear? Why do they do that? There's no real... It's a fit. Shape? It is now a fit. But it doesn't make sense on the old headphones

where they're exactly the same, does it? No, it does because the thing's in a different position. It's going to each hole. Stereo. it but it doesn't make sense on the old headphones where they're exactly the same does it yeah because stereo mono correct good words Danny Cooper says that last one and then we'll do some advice walking into

a cobweb no anyone in Australia that's a big thing I want to noted for the record that I did not mention Carl's mum's pussy there. Oh, what a gentleman. I mean, you did, didn't you?

What's that got to do with walking into a cobweb? Because she's got a dusty old pussy. Right. And you're walking into it? It's big. She's not dead, but she loves getting smoked She got a new fridge today off me

Yeah Well it's good she paid for it I hope she got it on time You tight bastard I got a new fridge and a dryer He

Nah You know the woman who raised this man He has just sold his mother a fridge He didn't give her a fridge I knocked a grand off this guy A second hand fridge

He gave her a fridge and charged her a grand off. A second-hand fridge. He gave her a fridge and charged her for it. Isn't that bang out of order? How much? So I bought it for 1,400. Oh, you bought it? I bought it last year for 1,400, sold it to her for 600.

Bargain. You didn't knock a grand off then, did you? I didn't knock a grand off. You tired bastard. You liar. I didn't knock a grand off. It sounds like a grand, doesn't it? I knocked about 10 grand off. Bought it for about 800.

It's a lovely fridge. She's got a new lovely fridge. Yeah, she has, because she paid for it. She did. Is it a fridge? It's an American one. Do you ever go to someone else's kitchen

and you just can't find anything? Like the fridge is married in. Yeah, that's what I've got now. I didn't have that before and I ate it already. I don't like going to someone else's house to try and make a cup of tea

and you just don't know you don't even know where to start like where are the cups everything have a good rummage yeah yeah so you're opening

every single drawer it's a nightmare when you're bageling someone and you get thirsty you're like I just want a cup of before I take that you're like love

listen I'm just here to rob you where's the sugar there's ghosts in my house what yeah there's a ghost in my house do you know what I'm gonna do

the other day Seneca went there's a ghost in the house and I didn't believe her and you know in the film when only one person can see the ghost and all the family

like shut up we always said to each other if there's a ghost we've got to believe each other because you're only with that person like there isn't a ghost and then we all get murdered so she told me it was a ghost i didn't believe and i'm like no actually sorry i didn't believe you and then i woke up yesterday by this like

someone put an hand on my shoulder and i was like oh that must be the ghost and then wasn't one of the 75 builders you have there no it's 2 a.m 10 minutes later the smoke alarm goes off and in my house the smoke alarm talks to you. And ghosts love cigars. No. What do you mean the smoke alarm talks to you? So the smoke alarm goes, there is smoke upstairs. Tells you where it is. And it goes, I'm about to sound the alarm.

This will be loud. That woke me up. And there was no smoke. Sorry, you've got a smoke alarm that talks to you? Tells you where the smoke is. All right, Carl. Big fire in the kitchen, lad. Better get down there.

I fucking started it just to see if you're on your toes. What? So I'd just fallen back asleep after getting woken up by a ghost and then the hall started going, there's a fire. Carl, I think you might have a brain tumour, mate.

I think we need to look into this. I'm worried about that. That technology doesn't exist. No, but it does. There is smoke upstairs. I named them all. Is this your nana whispering to you again? Carl, there's a fire? There's a fire.

There's a fire. No. Your grandad's got a fire going in the garden. Do you want some sausages, love? You love your sausages. You're so good at eating sausages. Think of everything.

A smoker shingog. A scourge of action. No, she's a lovely woman, but she scared me. But she tells you where in the house the smoke is, and then there was no smoke and the alarm didn't go off.

I think a ghost walked past it and set it off. Right, so you got a faulty fire alarm, and you dreamt that someone pushed you. I mean, I'm not trying to be a myth buster. See, you're doing it. Look, in the film, when I die, you're going to go, I didn't believe him. Who's going to kill you?

The ghost. You ghost smoke alarm. Yeah, and also, if they're trying to kill you, they're not going to tell you where the fire is. Hey, don't worry about that. There's loads of smoke, but there's no fire. Go back to sleep, you're in our bed. No, I think he walked past,

and because he's quite of a smoky being, he set it off. I actually Googled it, and ghosts can set smoke alarms off. What, is he like a sheet over his body? Yeah. Why else would it have gone off? Who else woke me up?

Look, he's doing the thing in the film where you don't believe the woman and then she goes mad and dies and the dad goes oh I didn't believe it we went to the most haunted places

and none of us saw anything why is your house more haunted I just seen the ghost of my past relationships every theatre you play in they'll say there's a ghost

in this venue every theatre have you ever seen a ghost here no okay good chat no well neither have I and I definitely haven't and I've been to the gaffs Have you ever seen a ghost year? No. Okay, good chat. No.

Well, neither have I. And I definitely haven't, and I've been to the gaffes where they're all hanging around. You dipped your balls in a haunted lake. I don't give a fuck. I'd be more scared of staying over at Carl's. Hang on, have your sex life dried up since then?

What do you mean? Since you dipped your balls in the haunted lake? No, it was dry before. It's pretty dry now. I'm stunned. Love you, babe. Right, are we in the mood to give some advice? Oh, my God.

We are, aren't we? People get in touch with us. Can I run the fuck off? They were very gentle pet peeves, weren't they? Yeah. Walking through a cobweb. Yeah, Finn, they weren't very good, them ones. We're burning through them though.

We've got to bench Simple Pleasures, so we're doing... Let's talk about this off-puff bit. Now we're talking about how the sausage gets made. Right,

this is from Anonymous. Yes, lads, love the pod. Need some advice as I think this will bite me in the arse at some point. I currently work

a decent job in finance and have done for almost a year now thing is i got the job on the back of a load of fake linkedin accounts i set up to give me fake references and validate fake job experience legitimately set up about 15 new emails just to make fake business accounts i've never had any experience in finance bar a college course i did yet the higher-ups all believe that I'm some finance prodigy. I'm in over my head a little bit.

Any advice of what I can do? Keep your fucking head down, kid. You are too far down the rabbit hole to start getting fucking scared at this point. Are you sure this is the plot of Suits, isn't it? Oh, my God! Is the ghost back? Did you just do that?

Oh. See, this is what happened, didn't it? What? Matthew set my smoke alarm off at half two in the morning, did he? He probably could have. She was in bed and she was scared. I think she's gaslighting you. They do it eventually.

That'll set it off as well. They start gaslighting. Honestly, what's the advice fake it till you make it jim do you like it i like keep your mouth keep your head down don't say a word yeah yeah yeah i wonder who it is like a high on ceo of the company now or head of that wagner group that was killed he had a false cv to get into there. Oh, really? This is why my interest... He ended up... Yeah. This is why interest rates

are going fucking mental. Because everyone's lying. Because they're not checking LinkedIn. To be honest, you can't do a worse job than people have been doing in international banking for the last 15 years.

So fuck it. Just blag on. You're a big into it in international banking news, aren't you? I want to, yeah. I am, I see. Since 08, pretty into it.

Sorry, Geoff. I went to poly. I pretty into it sorry Geoff I went to poly I got HND and finished I was 21 worked on a building and

phoned up an agency told I was 21 I was told I was 26 1-2 in civil engineering and they had sent me to a job

as a civil engineer setting out and I was getting paid 750 quid a week and i was just lying through my teeth by the way having you on is one of the best that like this is the episode for this isn't it look at how well he's fucking doing from absolutely blagging his ass off yeah i'll give a advice to my kids you know you gotta do a wee bit of lying like just don't, you know.

To what Finn did to get his job, he got his girlfriend at the time, but she's a cat owning gobshite now. He got his girlfriend at the time to make him a video

that got him the job he had and then he got the job and he was like, yeah, I don't know how to do that but I can subtitle some videos for you. He didn't admit it initially.

We were like, oh, we'd love some animation for the start of the pod and after about eight months when it hadn't happened, it became obvious that his missus, who he'd now split up with and wouldn't do the animation,

had done it. Yeah. Great blagging. Look, we've not kicked you out, have we? We've made it. It's a fucking disgrace. Thank you. There you go.

After all of that, you're going to be an Indian next year on a bike. I met a guy, I was sitting tonight, and he's watching something. I go, what are you watching? And he goes, oh, I'm just watching a YouTube video on how to drive this digger. I've told him I'm a digger driver.

Yeah, there is a limit to this. There is a limit. Digger is the line. And then I reckon, you know, international flight. Brain surgeon. Yeah, brain surgeon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know much about this.

I wouldn't go past that. No. That is the line. P wouldn't go past that. No. No. That is the line. Pinnacle, that one. Right. We've got a couple of confessions to round us off. Have we?

So what happens here, people write in things they've done wrong. Can I play the remix? And we either give them absolution and say, you're fine, don't worry about it, or we give them a bit of penance. Right. We've got the jingle on.

Sorry, Jim, we're just going to have a little rave. This one's so good. Oh, it's a sneaky one. Right, let's go for it. Right. Go on, Finn. We've got two options. Go on. Right, let's go for it. Go on, Finn. We've got two options. Go on.

Which one first? So there's either the gross one or there's the sad one. Sad one. Sad one first. Still gross, still coming back. Still coming back. Okay. So, as always, these are anonymous.

Patreon.com. Have a word pod. Go and message in or what's the email? Have a word pod at gmail.com. Hey lads, I have a confession that I need to get off my chest. I worked at Pets at Home during COVID mainly just as something to do.

We were given very little training. Honestly, it was kind of laughable. Anyway, one day we get a delivery of Venezuelan Black Corey and they come... Who's he? Is that a new action figure? I've got Dr. Cody. I've got Venezuela and Black Cody.

This is a funny one. It's not sad. There's no way that we're not getting Jade to design us a line of action figures called Corny now. This year's must-have toy.

Corny. From Mattel. Right. Anyway, we get a delivery. Leave it there. Just leave it there. That is. We get a delivery. It's a fish. Obviously. we get a delivery. Leave it there. Just leave it there. I don't know if that is.

We get a delivery. It's a fish. It gets telled later. It gets telled, lad. Aye, that story gets telled. Anyway, one day we get a delivery. You fucking IRA bastard. We get a delivery. That way.

And they come in the little plastic bags you get goldfish in at the fair. To put the fish in the tank, you need to cut the top off the bag and pour them in. On this occasion, I was slightly distracted and accidentally decapitated one of the fish with the scissors. Wow. Praying no one would notice, I emptied the bag into the tank. Yeah, it's a two-headed Corey. Don't worry about that.

Yeah, it's a bleeding Corey. Very normal notice. Emptied the bag into the tank and carried on with my day. Later on, a child came up to me and asked me why one of the blackfish had no head. I didn't know what to say, so came up with the excuse that some of them just look like that and it might be deformed. Do I deserve penance, both for decapitating the poor fish and lying to the child? Was it not dead?

Lying to children is fine. As we've proved on this episode. Was it not dead? Yeah, it was dead. Did you say it's dead? Shut up. Yeah, to a child. Yeah, we've got a really bad case

in that tank of head foley ophiitis. It's a nightmare. It's getting them. It's like bird flu. I mean, the lie to the child you could who gives a fuck but the i mean if you work at a pet shop and you decapitate any animal like that is bad isn't it i mean that should be well up there on the list come on have you ever killed an animal jim what you ever killed an animal? Al-Qaeda Have you ever killed an animal Jim? What?

Have you ever killed an animal? Yeah I'm fortunate I have yeah Go on Fish I've killed fish I don't like kill I like fishing but I don't like You know killing them

I've got blood on my hands Go on From No from freaking eating meat Oh no I mean personally I shot a bird once She annoyed me When I was a kid with an air rifle shot

And then I went over and it was dead Felt bad What kind of bit penguin? No it was an eagle Oh they're bastards anyway You shot an eagle? Not an eagle, a seagull Shot in Ohio is it? Seagull not an eagle a seagull shot in Ohio

is it seagull I heard eagle as well blew an eagle's head off that's right I need to do I couldn't kill any animal mate couldn't do

I know you could you blow voles let's just be sure he wasn't trying to kill this fish he wasn't like do you know what today's the day some fish is getting

fucking Ken Bigley didn't he I swear to god that wasn't what he did he accidentally did it. Ken Bigley was a journalist who got beheaded. What?

Ken Bigley. He was a British journalist who got beheaded by Al-Qaeda. And now it's a phrase in pets at home sort of vernacular. On aisle two, a fish has been Ken Bigley'd. Someone clean it up, please.

Someone's Ken Bigley, the black corny. Can someone Madeline McCann it, please? The kids are crying. Any penance? Oh, God. You can't be telling them it's Madeline McCann it. They'll leave it with it. It doesn't go for lunch.

That was good. Go for tapas. I'd shoot a pigeon. We know you'd shoot lots of animals. He said he'd blow a vole's head off. Oh, that would spin. Blow a what? A vole?

Hyperbolic. Vole? Vole, yeah. What are they? It's like a little woodland creature. Dan's family are like hunters. Is it a bird or is it? It's a little woodland rat thing. It's a little gobshite. That's what it is. Dan's family are like hunters. Is it a bird or is it? It's a little woodland.

It's like a feather. It's a little gobshite. That's what it is. Threatening my livestock. A rabid vole. Oh, it's getting his head fucking kicked in. I don't think he's got any penance. No penance.

Oh, maybe. No. I think it was an accident, but if this ever happens again, then people are going to start to ask questions. So your penance is don't behead any animals till the day you die

it said they had very little training it must be mad working in them shops where you just like one day a training I've got to be honest with you I think I could figure out how to not behead any fish what training do you need

to open a bag oh it's bag opening training on Tuesday don't behead anyone oh my god we didn't do scissors Wednesday I thought it was I thought it was something just like

two heel marys and an Our Father and you're back on board again. There you go. No fish fingers for a year. Yeah. I can't even remember the last time I had a fish finger. No fish based meal. You've got to go without it.

You've killed a poor black fish. You're not allowed to enjoy that tasty, tasty meat, which we all enjoy, don't we? A lot of healthy oils in fish. Oh, I'm always fishing on a Friday. What's your favourite fish, Dan? What? Favourite fish?

To eat, not just to look at. Priced tuna. Is it, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like next week's Dan versus food, if that was like a big fish platter, that'd be all right, would it, yeah? That would be a major problem for everyone.

Would it, yeah? Would it? Oh, dear. Or when I puke everywhere, yeah. Oh, that wouldn't make good content, would it? Oh, no. I'm just not going to, I can't do it. Do you like yellow haddock?

You can and you will. I'll shoot a tuna. Do you like yellow haddock? Famously. Yeah, yeah, like the smoked haddock. We're going to have some fish and chips next week, lad. Fine, that looks like the most palatable. And kippers.

Kippers and tuna. Oh, no, Jim. Any kind of sort of thin meat. Two crustaceans. Loads of bones. I know, I hate fish bones. They make me sick. Yeah, lobster. Oh kind of sort of thin meat. Two crustaceans. Loads of bones. I know, I hate fish bones. They make me sick. Yeah, lobster.

Oh, lobster's great. If you do the cracking. I can't. Cod. Just cod, like a nice deep cod. He's never eaten a fish in his life, Jim. No. He had Donner me for the first time the other day.

What meat? Donner. All right. Zach's wife. Because I'm very healthy. I look after myself, you know. You don't work out this much and eat crap go on next question next one right round us off this is a pretty heavy one uh right anonymous so um this is kind of a confession it's also i have a word as well but they've written in as a confession need you to have a word with a lad i came into contact

with a while back while working in birmingham basically i work up and down the uk monday to friday so we were talking about hotels and things seen and done in random towns while alone this is where he confessed to me about his mate kink i quote that because i'm 99 sure he was talking about himself but didn't want to admit it this is all coincidence but uh that lad let's call him jake gets off to wanking into the hotel moisturizer and then thinking about the women that are going to rub it on their face and body i nearly slapped him and just ended the conversation and went home what penance does this lad deserve he deserves to be put in prison why do we keep getting these sex criminals writing in? That is against the law.

Well, he's not written in. It's his mate grassing him up. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know many women that use just hotel moisturiser. That's me. Oh, sorry. What a coincidence. I happen to be on the show that she's written in on.

Which women are using the moisturiser that's already been, the seal's been broken on it? And what hotels are they staying in as well? Oh, there's your cum moisturiser. Obviously, you use that's been broken on it and what hotels are they staying in as well oh there's your there's your cum moisturiser obviously you use that at your pedal what if it works really well

I don't know about it it's meant to innit didn't Mild High Club try it don't ask me I just kissed a man I didn't rub his jizz on my face

Mild High Club did it what Amy did it yeah and now that podcast isn't a public podcast anymore so yeah

god bless still on Patreon best thing to do in a hotel is to empty the shampoo just out of spite that's what I do isn't a public podcast anymore. So, you know. God bless. Still on Patreon. Best thing to do in a hotel is to empty the shampoo just out of spite. That's what I do. Well, also, just in case there's jizz in it.

So the penance for this is jail, yeah? Yeah. Yeah, cool. Grass them up to the actual authorities for being a weird fucking cunt. I agree. Anyone else? Jim, how many Hail Marys?

Three Hail Marys, two Our Fathers, and a Glory Be to God. Did you do confession back in the day? Used to say the rosary every morning going to school, on the way to school, and then we'd say it at night, and then go to mass most school days.

And did you go in the confession box? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, okay. What was your priest like? Was it a strict one? Loads of different ones, but yeah, yeah. Alright, okay. What was your pre-sign? Was it a strict one? Loads of different ones. But yeah, you just made up sins. You lied as soon as you got in there. You just token sins.

Stayed out late. Was nasty to my mum. Just in there, alright. Two Hail Marys. That's 21. That was last week. Lied on a job application. Got a job as an international comedian and that was all bullshit at the start

it's been a pleasure having you in Jim it's been fucking brilliant Jim Owen ladies and gents jimowen.com for tickets dannightingale.com for Dan's tickets adamrow.co.uk for my tickets and Finn do we have a song we do this is from

Bathgate based noisy rock band we do this is from Bathgate based noisy rock band Volker this is their new single Run which came out last week give it a listen see you all soon

sign up to Patreon at patreon.com slash have a wet pod bye When all I've said and done Comes crashing around me When all my worth is gone When all the sound begins to fade You break that silence, you are the only one

I was searching for somewhere to run, to run, to run When all this work you've done Comes crashing around you When all your words are gone When all the sound begins to fade Everything is falling to you Everything is falling to you Everything is falling to you Thank you. I'll be searching for somewhere to run, to run, to run When we reach out through the blue

And all our words are echoes Then I'll recognize the way That will always lead me back to you It leads me back to you It leads me back to you It leads me back to you It leads me back to you You break my silence You are the only one

I was searching for somewhere To run, to run, to run You break my silence You break my silence You break my silence you