Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #248 with Lindsey Santoro - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: October 30, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsListen to Finn's EP 'Do You Know?': https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastLindsey Santorohttps://twitter.com/linzsantorohttps://instagram.com/linzsantoroADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello everyone, before we start today's amazing episode of Have A Word, we've got to quickly tell you about our tours. We're on tour! I'm on tour, Dan's on tour. Tickets for my tour, I'm going all over the UK, adamrow.co.uk. Tickets for his tour at dannightingale.com. A lot of these shows are sold out, some are being added in cities that aren't currently listed. Keep checking regularly on adamrow.co.uk and dannightingale.com. And also, before we get to this week's public episode, we've got to tell you about our Patreon page, the biggest Patreon membership in the UK for a reason. Starting from just three quid a month, what do they get? Great value. They get a Patreon exclusive every Wednesday, which is unfiltered, have a word bullshit,

just me, Adam, and the boys, and it's the best podcasting we do. And then on top of that, the world-famous Have A Word Patreon specials. Once a month, we do some fucking mental stuff. The classics, the lock-ins were amazing, weren't they? The roast, Blind Date, Nashville, Amsterdam, The Ghost Hunts, there's so many of them.

There's a new one every month, but if you sign up right now, you also get access to the entire back catalogue. And that's on top of early access to these public episodes. Go to patreon.com slash have a word pod. Sign up right now. And from just three quid a month, you get access to the entire content list we've just given you.

Go and do it now and join the biggest Patreon membership in the UK and one of the biggest on the planet for a reason. And then come back to this episode because, to be honest with you, it's going to be a belter. Wag Wag Leeds, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped,

the very best products on the market for below-the-waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. Hiya. Hello. You all right? Hello. You okay?

Yeah. Good. You look like you're going to accost me for something. I've had enough. No, but normally when you start turning towards me at this angle. Nah. Because I don't know whether you're conscious of this, and I don't want you to get in your own head.

What? But you perform most of this to Carl. Oh, thanks, Dom. So when you turn to me like that, normally you're looking at this, and I don't want you to get in your own head. What? But you perform most of this to Carl. Oh, thanks, Dom. So when you turn to me like that, normally you're looking at me like, what the fuck are you? Go on. Well, I know I've had your respect for a long time.

I'm still trying to win Carl's. That's what it is. Like me, like me. Say that you like me. I love you, Dom. Finn, less concerned. Yeah, because you know he loves you. Well, we're very close already.

And honestly honestly the closer we've got the more annoyed everyone's got so i'm trying to put a bit of distance between me and fin laura's getting a bit worried i have been on more dates with fin than i have been on dates with my wife in the last year when was the last time you and laura had a date night genuinely just you two no kids no dogs no cats when was the world cup in brisbane um when did we last have a date i'd say it would be going on six months maybe when did you go to london what was that march march are you var in yeah Can I now put my defence forward? Yeah.

That bitch likes to go to bed at 8pm. So she fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah, but you could have like a little Sunday pub date. You know, put your nice jumper on. Your nice jacket. Your nice boots. And you do a Sunday pub date. Your boots.

Your boots and your jumper. A boots and jumper and a coat. Go to Hickory's. Go to Egberth. I literally yesterday bought a jumper and a coat and I could picture myself walking my dog in it

yes by ours yeah literally that jacket and jumper I showed you before that's a dog walking jacket that mate and coat

and jumper he's going to buy a house in South Liverpool to match his jumper and dog that's how that's how Adam's brain works getting the dog

got a jumper work backwards from that. Can't walk it around here. One work. It won't suit the aesthetic. He'd look stupid walking by his dress like that. By ours. All the fellas. I've got me coat and me boots on.

I'm in Egberth. I've got me dog. Daytime. Daytime dates. All me dog is a cockapoo. It's a cross between a cock of spaniel and a poozle. Do you want to go and grab a coffee on Lark Lane? Get a couple of pastries for the road?

I mean, none of this sounds bad. No, it's wonderful. You're making it sound awful. No, no, this is a scouser's dream. It's to move to Lark Lane and end up with that accent. Get a fucking nosebleed down there, lad. Do you want to go to Bichon Noir? Get some food?

No, actually, we'll go to Marantos. They always do good lasagna. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Always. Come on, day dates. That's what we've been doing. We go for lunch very regularly. Just you two? Just us doing. We go for lunch very regularly.

We do... Just you two? Just us two. Right, well, then you've got to date them. Because when you say date, it sounds like date night, doesn't it? It sounds like date night. I feel bad that I've not done date nights,

but that's not me. Random date idea for elderly. Okay. And I think, you know... Let me just Charlie Sloss that. What's that, bruv? Unique activities for seniors. Just going to check what we can do here.

There we go. I'm gone. Right. Good fun. 42 years old, Legend. He's on AQK. Lunch food services, postcode. Let's go with L1.

Come by us. No, I don't want to go by L1. I don't want to go by L1. What's your postcode? Go down Matthew Street to see what the young game is doing. CH1. Yeah.

Actually, it's my postcode. It's not valid. It's not valid? 5EG, that's a guess. That worked. No results found. You're dead. No, I'm gone.

Old people activities. Activities for the elderly. It's completely free. Aw. Right, here we go. We people activities. Activities for the elderly. It's completely free. Aw. Right, here we go. So we've got some... It's called Action for Elders. Exercise for older people.

Betty Sutherland's session, expanding our reach to old people. Yeah, you can go fucking... So when you go on a day date with Laura, is it normally a weekend? Hang on, hang on. Or a weekday? It's a weekday.

What are we doing? That doesn't count. I'll take date suggestions. I'll take date suggestions I'll take date suggestions but I'm not you're going on Age UK going how do you keep yourself you know active

after your wife dies your dog's dead your wife's dead your children don't like you what can you do well I want date suggestions finger them whoa

right what okay question though do these day dates ever lead to a little day fuck she does quite like it yeah okay cool well then it's a date then a lot of our stuff happens Okay. Question though, do these day dates ever lead to a little day fuck? She does quite like it.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Well, then it's a date then. A lot of our stuff happens midweek in and around lunchtime. And that's because both our children are in some form of childcare. All of a sudden, Laura gets active and horny. It's great.

On a weekend, fucking nightmare. Gives a budget. We'll do it for you. Budget. A what? Gives a budget for the date do it for you. Budget. A what? Gives a budget. For the date? For the day date?

Yeah. No more than? £150. £150. What day? Sunday. No, no, no. Monday to Friday.

No, but Sunday's like a romantic day. And it is here. Fuck a romantic day. Like taking a girl to a Sunday pub for a Sunday lunch with your dog and your coat on. Right. So I need to fuck off my two kids and get a girl to a Sunday pub for a Sunday lunch with your dog and your coat on. Right. So I need to fuck off my two kids and get a dog and a coat. Brilliant.

You've got a coat. I haven't got the coat you're talking about. No, you haven't. This website, adventurebook.com. Take up bird watching. That's free. Ornithology. Ornithology.

Oh, that'll get Laura really spicy. That'll get her hornithology. I don't think surgery's the answer here. 150 quid. Let's go with a Thursday. Yeah. Eve. No.

You're not listening to me. We're doing the same thing. I can't wait to see you have fucking kids. Like, I'm not getting a babysitter in. There's no point. No, Dan. She wants to go to bed at 8pm. Yeah, I know.

You don't see the opposite. She wants to pretend she's tired and then go on TikTok for fucking 90 minutes. Picture the Tuesday afternoon. You're picturing it? Yeah, got it. Now picture a Sunday afternoon. There's no difference.

There is. What? You can see the leaves. Whoa! There's no leaves on the Tuesday. No. No, there is on Sundays. There's packed leaves.

A Sunday is autumn. It's dark. It's there's no leaves on a Tuesday. No, there is on Sundays. There's packed leaves. A Sunday is autumn. It's dark, it's dark red. A Sunday is autumn and a Tuesday is like a rainy January. Oh my God, you autistic motherfuckers. What are you talking about? You can't do DT on Tuesday, it's all red. Correct. No.

Everyone will just be angry. No, Sunday's red. Sunday's like warm. Sunday's bustling. Tuesday's black Jack. It's like mellow. Tuesday's black like your unromantic heart. It's the colour of's like warm. Sunday's bustling. Tuesday's black, Jack. It's like mellow. Tuesday's black like your unromantic heart. It's the colour of your new coffee.

It's bustling, Dan. Sunday's bustling. Tuesday's like really grey blue. Yeah, Tuesday's like, oh. Yeah, like this website. This is a Tuesday date, ready? Read to hospital or hospice patients. Lovely.

That's a Tuesday date. Oh, that's when she gets real. That's when she gets sloppy do you know what i mean when she's like take me down the hospice oh yeah how long have you got to live two months we're still fucking living we're gonna live loads longer than you and that makes me horny can you even fuck nah because you're dying we can yeah women love that yeah well the next one more of a sunday date volunteer with animals that. That's cute, that. Yeah. I'm sorry.

Is this for Flora? To wipe some badgers' arses. Come on. Feed the otters. Is this for people who've been convicted of crimes? When you come out and you can't get work? You're trying to just get me back into the community? Go and speak to the dying.

You know? Hey, hey. Feed a pigeon. Feed a dying pigeon. It says you can go to children's centres as well to read. Children's hospital. You can't. No. I can go near them.

You can go half a mile away and shout to them. Yeah, I can read them stories from about 300 yards away. I want to put these two together. So let's recreate your first date and go on a decade-themed date. The 40s. your first date and go on a decade theme date. The 40s. Your first date. Well, that's going to save me money, isn't it? With rationing.

You're not spending 150 quid. There's one egg, a piece of bread. What was your first date? That was the 1940s. What did you do? What was your first date? I took her up Hull. The asshole, yeah?

I took her up Hull. I did a gig in Hull and I was like, listen, you need to come. I don't want to show you off to the people of Hull. And they were like, fucking Hull dancers ain't nice. Look at the posture. She's so straight like a princess.

Have you and Serika had a first date? I don't think so. Because you just started fucking, really, didn't you? We did start fucking, yes. You were fucking before you were dating them? Yeah, fuck. Big fuck party? Yeah, most people fuck before they date, don't they?

No. Because it literally isn't the night. Yeah, they do. Yeah. No, you have the... Listen, I've been there before. If you start dating before you bang you make it you're signing a contract that you and you don't know the full bill of sales yeah you've got a bonk to check the chemistry you haven't seen that pussy until you imagine being six months in and going explain

that to the lady come on i haven't seen the pussy darling I can't come here this can't get Facebook complicated till I've seen the pump pump dating and being together are not the same thing shag you've got to shag before you date you've got to shag someone before you take them off face

date no you're fucked you're fucked on dating aren't you like do you want to go on a date love well then come round to Mark's and I'll show me that pussy

and if I like what I see I'll get you some tapas but what happens when you're three, four, five months in, you ain't seen it and then it's a fucking train wreck? No, so hang on, hang on. What I mean is,

before you're exclusively dating. Yeah, that's not what I'm talking about. Oh, right. Yeah, yeah. You take her down Egbert, you get her a cruffin. Oh my God. You can get nasty cruffins over the lake.

It's all fucking raging peaches. Bitch, you ain't seen no cruffins like my cruffins. This isn't even my dog, but I borrowed it. It's near common. My cruffin is fucking great. What? What am I like? Dan, there's another one here in case you're struggling.

Cruffin top. Serve soup at a soup kitchen. Oh, and now we're doing the homeless. Just to check, we've done the dying, we've done fucking squirrels. Oh, sorry, otters. So we've done the dying squirrels and now it's the homeless.

Great date suggestions. Feed the poor. Finn, you've been dating, haven't you? You had a date the other day. I did. What? Oh, we're doing this, are we? Okay.

And now it's time for Finn's dating corner. There we go. What did you do on your date? Good question. We spent some drinks. Oh, we're doing this, are we? Who was she? And now it's time. Who was she? For Finn's dating corner. How did it go? What did you do on your date? Good question. Spent some drinks. Why does he look so nervous?

Just feels like an interrogation. Oh! I saw her leave the house alive. Have you seen what I've just gone through? You can fucking buckle up for two minutes of this. Have you seen the pom-pom? No comment. That is a order.

No one's ever said no comments. This is just no. Because why would you add the comments? Was it just drinks? For new listeners, Finn has been painfully single for the last couple of years and his mum listens. He's really sad. His mum listens.

Good morning, Poirot. To the podcast. Next question. How many dates in? Two. Oh, my God. When was the last date? Because you go slow.

Like two weeks ago. Oh, that's fast. A fortnight. It's Finny fast. Was it in Liverpool or Real? It was in Liverpool. I don't date in Real. Yeah.

You can't do that. Was she a Scouser? Is she a Scouser? No. Well, is the dream for you it's the goal to be living here soon it's gotta be hasn't it

we want you here Finn yeah yeah because then we can barely fucking start cracking the whip with this subtitling you know what I mean it's expensive living

on your own though isn't it live with him you can live with my shoes if you want I've got a shoe room little shelf for you there he's done that in Nashville I did

well move it quicker move in with her move in with her yeah I'll take a shoe room. A little show for you there. He's done that in Nashville. I did. Move it quicker. Move him with her. Move him with her? Yeah. I'll take, I'll go to the soup kitchen first,

see if that goes well. Is that a euphemism? Yeah. He's going to look it out. I'll go to the soup kitchen. If it's nice, I'll, you know, take it on more days. If you play your cards,

I tell you, I'm taking you to the soup kitchen, if you know what I mean. Where did you go on your second date? Just for some drinks. I went to... Drinks. Keep it cash.

We're not a tapas yet. The Merchant. Nice. Oh, it's a good date. Classic. Oh, yeah. Did you get a pizza? No.

Oh, no. We're not at the eating stage yet. Went to Merchant, went to Slim's. Nice. Pogues for one. Saw Callum Oakley. Nice. I went to Bandioki at Motown. Pogues,ues by the way on a non-friday or saturday night is such a good date pub yeah like it is like my favorite place in the

world anyway but like it's such a good place to sit and just ah are you doing well there bandioki yeah so there's a band and you sing yeah yeah oh Yeah. Oh, Finn. That is such a fucking... I didn't sing. Carl's so individual, by the way, with his advice for people. I've never really sort of gone into that before, but you do tailor it, don't you? Because whenever I've like started dating someone before,

you're always like, don't jump in! No! She's going to want everything, Adam! No! You fall in love too quick! And with him, you're like, just fucking move him with this woman.

I'm just basing it on experience, Adam. Unfortunately. You know, could happen to him. I hope it doesn't. What happens to me? Things. Carl, you are very hard with Adam, man. I know I am.

You're like... And he knows I've got his best interest at heart. That's why I still do it. If I ever thought he thought I was trying to push him the wrong way, then I'm a knobhead. But he knows it's always the right way. He's not like... He doesn't force his opinions on me until I ask for them, really.

Unless it's like, really like, me, me, me, me, proper, proper, proper. If it's like that, then he's like, lad. Whenever you're doing that, he does need advice. You're like, lad, and he goes, no, no. No, but you do go quite hard line with him. I think you all that, you know, the little angel and the devil. But I've got

no authority very devout sort of yeah like my my dad i love him and he's like me mate but he's got no like authority over me what to i've got nobody that i listen to apart from him yeah so and he knows that and if i didn't tell him he'd be fucking shagging badgers and all kinds you You know. What? On a Sunday. A Sunday. Lovely roast, you know. It's red. Fuck a badger. What?

What I mean, it was just a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd be doing the wrong things, maybe. He knows what he's doing, but sometimes he wanes, so I have to be there to go, listen, lad,

call that way. You know, I'm just doing this because that's a bit bad, isn't it? So don't do that. Back over here. There you go. Yeah, fair enough.

When did you kiss her? At what point? And then with Vinny's like, just fucking marry her. Does she live in Liverpool? Move in. Get into the soup kitchen because I've never done dating.

I don't know when you kiss. If you have a decent first date, a decent and above first date, you kiss on the first date. Know what I mean? When in the date? You just lean over. Back to the chair.

Back to the chair. Lean over. Like you're on the bus. And when, not obviously at the end of the date, but there is a bit of a tension there, isn't there? There's a bit of a tension there.

Like where, when do you do it? Cause I can't imagine ever going, whoa, I'm gonna kiss you. I wish you hadn't done that to me. Order. Like I genuinely, I always take this the right way. I love Seneca and I've used it together forever.

We will be. But, but I would, sorry Seneca, love to watch you. I'd love to watch you. Try and navigate. I'd be awful in a date. Oh, it'd be so good. Because I'm a serial monogamist. I'd be like,

oh, are you moving in with Dania? We love each other now. I'd be awful because I don't know how to do the fucking go home. Like a little abandoned dog. Yeah, he's your Uber girl. Are you my mum now? Yeah.

If a moment pops up during the date, then you go for a little fucking leaning and a kiss. If it doesn't pop up as a natural moment, If a moment pops up during the date, then you go for a little fucking leaning and a kiss. If it doesn't pop up as a natural moment, then you can sort of instigate it at the end. Then what do you do? Do you put him in a taxi and you carry on your night? What do you do?

Do you walk him home? I mean, you've got to judge the snog. What if you judge the snog? If it's a very sort of like, oh, it's been nice. But if she's like fucking yes mate then I don't think anyone's going anywhere like you just have to get a sense

things have changed now it's purely vibe based yeah it's consent based now so women are like I want to go to Pussyville

what use reasons have you used come back to mine for a coffee is that one no because it's normally like one o'clock

in the morning what do they say then come back to mine for a red wine like sometimes they'll go do you want to come back to mine for a coffee? Is that one? No, because it's normally like one o'clock in the morning, isn't it? What did he say then? Come back to mine for a red wine? Like, sometimes they'll go, do you want to come back to mine for a drink? Oh, we know what that means,

don't we? Oh, yes, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would you do if you got there, though, and she made you a lovely French martini? Some people will just

make it really obvious. Like, they'll just look at you and go, should we just get out of here? And it's like, that doesn't mean let's go our separate ways. But what if she means

she wants to go home? I couldn't take that rejection. Like, in all of my experience of dating, that has never happened. If a girl says something along the lines of let's get out of here, that means it's time for the pom-pom. What's the worst date you've ever been on?

Where the girl was audible to the waiter, so I just got the bill and fucked off. Yeah. And you're done, pal. You can't do that. Shall we just get out of here separately? See you later. So it's all vibe-based?

Yeah, it's vibe-based. I think you might need it a bit more on the nose. And I don't, you know. Shall we get out of here to have full penetrative sex, Carl? That's sexy. What do you mean? I don't know. What do you mean?

Me and you. What, you want tap ass? You want a cruffin I'll tap that ass oh there you go good banter hey

and then she goes I want to go my separate way what's the worst that you've been on Finn uh oh there was one with a girl that had um

a particular odour I thought you were going to say one leg then and I don't know where I got that from a particular one leg a particular one leg a particular odour. I thought you were going to say one leg then, and I don't know where I got that from. A particular one leg. A particular one leg. It didn't change.

It was very particular the leg she didn't have. How much does it fall off if it's switched? Like some kind of octopus? She stunk. Was it breath or pit based? It was pit based. I don't know these things.

I don't go on dates. It's a first date from a dating app. Pit based thing. That's a massive turn off for me. It's so easy to not stink. It was an immediate. It's the clothes. It's usually not them.

It's the clothes. Well, sweat doesn't smell. Dried sweat smells. If you sweat, you don't smell. The next day, put the same T-shirts on. That's the smell. Sweat doesn't smell. Dried sweat smells. Yeah. If you sweat, you don't smell. The next day, put the same T-shirts on. That's the smell. Sweat doesn't smell. Dried sweat does.

But no, it can dry within like an hour. Yeah. That means you've sweated and not washed yourself. Yeah. I'm saying she's not sweating because she's nervous and going, oh, she just stinks because she hasn't washed. Yeah. Yeah, but I think usually with stinky people,

it's that they put stinky clothes back on. It's usually the clothes, yeah. Did you kiss her? No. Couldn't get near her. Was this in real? No. Is this why you don't date her?

You know what? I would say that that one where she was rude and I just called her was like, that's probably not the worst one because it was over so quickly. It was like, thank God I just got out of that and didn't like see her more before I found out that's who she was.

I don't want to talk details of it in case the girl ever listens to this podcast, but I went on a date with a girl once and at the end I could tell she wanted to like come into my hotel. That is a euphemism. Come in here. Or at least like have a kiss or whatever.

And I just could, I was was so bored but like i was bored the entire time but nothing happened where i could be like bye i just had to be bored until the end of the night that's worse in a way it was so neither of those was it so much worse yeah you're rather a bit of mental like after the oh so it's an anecdote you want it to be mental enough that you can be like oh this was so weird listen to the story this is just so four out of ten it's not even interesting like the the rude waiter one after that i went to pokes and jack finnegan was there and i had a boss night so if anything that was maybe the best date i've ever had i just i was on it with jack i'm gonna come in my hotel. What about you, Dan?

The one where I got accused of being anti-Semitic. That was probably the worst one. All I said was, what time's the bus due? I'm joking. No, I got basically accused of being an anti-Semite. Why? Because I went on a date with a Jewish girl. But I didn't know she was... That's not anti-Semitic.

I mean, it's the opposite. Yeah. Your hair's not even curly. No. Did you rob a little hat? Yeah. Oh, Lord. I went on a date with her.

She was American. And she was cringy. She was like, yeah, since I've been at uni in Manchester, I just drink bitter. And I love it. So I'll have a pint of Boddingtons. And you're like, oh, God. Boddingtons!

Boddingtons! She was making me cringe. And then it just came up that she was Jewish. And I just should have, I went, oh! Like trying to cover up the fact it was a, it wasn't, I was fine. I was like, oh, I didn't know. She was like, yeah, so is that okay? I was like, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was like, have you ever dated a Jew before? I was like, no. And then she was like, wow. And I was like, was like no and then she was like wow and i was like it's just because there isn't a massive there isn't any there's no massive jews by us there's no it's not a big jewish community and uh yeah she took it like she said you're anti-semitic because you haven't dated the jewish she didn't call me anti-semitic but there was just an air there was just an air of like wow you've never dated a jew you're like honestly love it's the

thing is americans and this is what happens with schultz and this is why schultz gets away with But there was just an air of like, wow, you've never dated a Jew. You're like, honestly, love, I'm from Preston. The thing is, though, for Americans, and this is what happens with Schultz, and this is why Schultz gets away with such obtuse racial humor, is America especially is so diverse. Everybody knows a Jewish person or a group of Jewish people,

a group of black people, a group of Asians, a group of Hispanics. They know everyone. So for someone who has dated a lot in america statistically you will have dated several jewish people so to her to me like yeah you've it does look to her like dan has been avoiding it and he hasn't helped it by the fact that when she's gone i'm jew he's gone that's fine that's fine i like them mate. Mate, I grew up in Preston. I haven't dated a girl from Bamba Bridge,

never mind anyone from the Jewish community. Do you know, like, it's not, like, she's from California. There's a massive Jewish community in LA and all of that, and even more so in New York. Massive Jew. Massive Jew.

Where did they go after that? We didn't even make it out of the first pub. It was just, we just called it a nil-nil draw and went, cool, see you later. Because I found her, she wasn't boring. It wasn't a four out of 10, we were like, that was so naff, I couldn't even find an excuse. I think I irritated her and she was a bit too much.

But like genuinely made me feel bad that I hadn't dated Jewish girls. And you're looking back at your score. God, how mental would that have been? Just to find the one Jewish person in Preston and be like, please shag me because I want it to look better in the future. How would you met her?

What? How had you met her? DataJew.com. And you didn't know? It's my fault. I still didn't know. Wow! A real one one is that like uniform dating where you don't have to actually be jewish you just have to fancy those who are and you could just end up there with another jewish enthusiast i didn't know jewish people liked boddingtons

you know that's a new one no i don't think any of them have ever i've been asked but she was trying to be that yeah so i'm an American girl in Manchester. And you know what? I do drink Boddingtons. She did my edit. She was cute, though, to be fair. She sounds fit, to be fair. She has to be.

A Californian Jewish girl drinking Boddingtons. I can't get on board with that. Oh, my God. You've never dated a Jew? What are you thinking about Jew what are you thinking about what are you thinking about what are you doing look at us no she was very cute

what are you doing she sounds awful love eh it's so nice when you just when you meet someone and you're like I don't have to think about this again and you're like I don't have to think about this again aye I'm so glad I don't have to worry

about it out of the game quite happily because if I was out there dating oh my god the absolute heffalumps I'd be getting into

me and you would double team me have you ever seen crazy sheep of love what have you ever seen crazy sheep of love you are one of the

last people I ever want to have a threesome with no what if I like your arse more than hers? I mean, we go out like... He means wingmanning.

Oh, yeah. Have you ever been a wingman? Have you ever had to wingman for one of your friends? I'm a pretty good wingman. I like a bit of wingman. I used to go for him loads and talk to the ladies. Adam didn't want to. Weren't you more of a security guard?

Like, come on, love. Away you go. He's in no position. Come on. No, girls are always in groups or pairs. So I had to always entertain the other lady. Magic choice. In that girl.

Don't listen to him. Don't drink. I'm only four, you know. I've only got three in a minute. You have to. Yeah, yeah, of course. I've done that loads and hated every second. But you're good at that.

You're good at chatting to randoms. No, I wasn't as good back then. Do you know what he's really good at? When me and Carl, and ideally a third person as well, are all in relationships, and we meet three girls on a night out, and none of us are interested,

but we want to wind them up. That's when me and him and especially him come into our forte. Yeah. Because there's nothing funnier than a group of girls who are all single

who have met a group of lads and they, the natural instinct of a girl is, oh, these lads are interested in us because they're talking to us. Because every other lad they've ever spoken to is trying their absolute best

to fuck them and that's just how society works I'm not saying it's a good thing it is just how their mind works because of how the world has treated them for their entire lives so when you

when that power dynamic and you know it's there and you play with it it is so funny when you're not interested at all and three attractive girls assume you are and you can just

bullshit your way through the night it is genuinely some of the best moments oh you two are world champions at that it's super and also can just bullshit your way through the night it is genuinely some of the oh you two are world champions at that and also you just don't have any internal shame or cringe no it's it's there's so many times since finn has been working at this company where this has been happening and me and finn are just like oh god this is happening. Do you know what's great with strippers? Because they've got all the power every second of every other day.

And then we go, no, you haven't. And it's so fun. Being in a strip club and not wanting to dance. That time when we got our strippers to buy us both a bevy. In Brighton, yeah. Was it Brighton? Yeah.

Yeah, Brighton. To get a stripper to give you their real name and buy you both a bottle of Peroni with their tips tips I mean to be fair it's both

is yeah that's one of the proudest moments of my life like on my shelf when I get my house I'm going to have like me chortle comedy award me Dave award

and her name and a beer stripper bought me a baby I got a girl to talk about Theo Walkoff for 20 minutes in Berlin and she was a stripper she was the one who uh introduced paul to his um fetish this is yeah spitting in his gob pin in his mouth and she didn't spit my mouth i don't imagine there

have been much chat about theo walcott if a stripper spit spit in your mouth i just the little i know you i reckon that might be the end of the chat about you are good though when you turn on the, I think one of the things about someone who is in a long-term relationship and just that isn't a factor. I've seen you in conversation when you're very good at just tuning into,

asking questions or conversation. And it's from the point of view of like, I am not single. I think that's a quality i've seen you i've seen you crack into quality i've never read the book um andrew schultz has read the book um making friends and influencing people because he's the master asking questions and using the person's name is just so basic and so easy getting people to like interact with you in a nice way yeah all conversation where

someone's not asking questions about your life or what you're doing or just just like returning serve but i've seen you in a couple of situations carl's so good at that not he's not even taking the piss and you're sort of choosing i know it's important i know i like it i know taking an interest in somebody's such a basic thing and such an easy way to create a relationship with them yeah also be interested in people and want to learn what they're like and what they're into. Just,

it makes you more interested. totally. Schultz is amazing. he's a fucking master at it. But also, when you are not, when you are interested in them or pretending to be at least,

and they're taking an interest in you, but you can literally, when you've got the ability, like we have not to toot our own horns too much, to make stuff up on the spot and know what the other person is about to back you up with and not. Oh no, this is two different gears that we're talking about.

I'm talking about the genuine side I've seen you two when you're in playful mode and it's unbelievable. We did it with two girls in pokes. No, three when we were at state. And me and you were in the FBI. And you were the man who... I drove the cars. You drove the cars for, like, example police chasers.

I was Homeland Security. And Steve was in HR. Well, it started with, he was sat there, and she left her bag when she went to toilet. And I went, oh, do you want to grab your bag? And he went, yeah, he loves women's bags. Like, he won't be able to resist it. And I went, I'll just sniff it.

I will just sniff it. And then she was like, oh, these are are fun and then sat with us all night and spoke to us yeah that's a um that's one of the advantages of being a good looking guy in it because if you're an absolute monster yeah he's gonna sniff your bag right i need a bouncer get these away from me yeah i fucking love sniffing back to me. Fucking hell, leathery. And then we just talked, and they were lovely girls as well. Lovely girls. Lovely. And in the end,

I thought, what a lovely girl. That's really funny because they were both Irish as well. They were both Irish as well, yeah. That's such a good episode. They were both from Cad Kilty. Oh, the lovely county of Cad Kilty. Some of the best black pudding and yellow haddock cheese

you'll ever have. And if you don't get the reference, you need to sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. Now, Adam, do you have any other podcasts on the go at the moment? Just knowing that we're coming to the end of this. Just before we go for a break, I am the host of a new podcast

owned and created by Global, who own like Heart and Virgin Radio and stuff. They got in touch to ask me to host a new podcast format called What Would You Do? It launches on the 26th of October, two episodes dropping, and then I think it's every Thursday from there on out. There's going to be 12 episodes in the first series, there'll be a bit

of a break, and then there's a plan to do two more series at least. It's me and two guests every week, and it's essentially me reading a story, and then I stop at different intervals and ask them what they would have and it's essentially me reading a story and then i stop at different intervals and ask them what they would have done at this point in the story and then we finish the story it's a nice easy format it's very very different to what we're doing on have a word if this is pirate radio it feels like corporate radio but it's it's been really fun we've had so many different guests that have never done have a word uh some that

never will um and it's uh work that one out if you can but it's it's been really really fun and i actually think a lot of yous are gonna really love it uh also while we're doing irish accents i am in belfast on saturday the 4th of november and we're nearly sold out at lavery's which is an amazing club william thompson is supporting and sunday at the laughter lounge in dublin two of my favorite shows of the whole tour last year i was never in control of which is an amazing club. William Thompson is supporting. And Sunday at the Laughter Lounge in Dublin, two of my favourite shows of the whole tour last year. I was never in control of either of them from start to finish,

and they were still amazing. I would really love to sell this out. So this week, if this is going public on the Monday, it's Saturday and Sunday. I'll be over the water. Please buy the tickets, dannightingale.com. I cannot wait to play Balfour in Dublin. My Irish dates are sort of

speaking of the island of Ireland without getting too political my Belfast tour dates is the 7th of December and then I go back in January

for a full week and when I do my full week I'll have my dog with me lovely and a lovely jumper what a lovely jumper and Will and Alfie

and Vittorio both open them for me on all the Irish dates so that's fun lovely let. What a lovely jumper. And Will. And Alfie and Vittorio are both opening for me on all the Irish dates. So that's fun. Lovely. Let's have a break. Will is? Here we are.

That second coffee was a mistake by me. Poo-poo mistake or jittery mistake? I just feel a little bit fucking wazzed out. You know what I mean? Wazzed?

Yeah, I'm always wazzed out. Wazzed. Wazzed. I feel up but down but ready to do it. Up but down but ready to do it. I'm wazzed out. What is it, wazzy? Wazz. I feel up but down but ready to do it. Up but down but ready to do it. I'm wazzed out. Oh, fuck.

I should do some questions. I can see, Corey. See me T-shirt? This is Luke Combs. He's a songwriter that I like. A songwriter. He's wazzed out. Was he any different when you saw him the second time?

He was closerazzed out. Was he any different when you saw him the second time? He was closer. To death. Aren't we all? He's a big lad. Was he just the same? Huh? Just the same and a different? It's a slightly shorter show.

Oh, no. Why didn't we get to know that one? Refund. Refund. Of course it was a shorter show. It was a nine-hour extravaganza. Oh, do you like songs about beer and love and trucks? Well, here's nine hours of it.

I love my beer. And I love my truck. But I love my lady. Because she lets me fuck for a little less time. When I'm in Glasgow. Ooh, shit. And here's Laney Wilson and her big flappy ass.

Ow! I like to get fucked in my husband's truck. Oh, mate. Oh, God. And that's why we love country. Fastest rising genre on the planet. Because it was shit

and now it's less shit. It's fantastic. It's the best. It's fantastic. It's the best. It's real. I hate that fake music. And here's to people who are singing from the heart and soul.

Do you know what I mean? I'm like Finn. They've listened to Ludacris. You went heart and soul, Ludacris. Yeah, he has got hoes in various areas. Adam's featuring

on a song of mine that's going to be coming out in the near future. Finlay Kay and his band featuring Adam Rowe. I did the backing vocals. That is true. And we called his band as well. You and me are going to have some fucking words, you. Ice and Abner, you can't sing.

What? What? I know I want a rap verse. Ba, ba, ba, ba, boom. Oh, my God. Grandad's on a shandy. I'll do your fucking rap! Ba-ba-ba-ba-boom!

I got something to tell you! I'm rapping! I'm rapping! Hey! Ba-ba-ba-ba-boom! Feel alive! Yeah. That's...

Feel alive! Feel alive! Sneak preview. Don't want to ruin the song. Did you auto-tune it? You little Welsh rat there is some auto-tune on it there's a little bit of auto-tune

okay robot Adam but that'll be coming out get that round your ears in a few months does he sound like T-Pain get it round your ears yo this is have a word FM we've got some rap now get that round your ears. Avoid it. Yo, this is Have A Word FM. We've got some rap now.

Get that round your ears. Start a radio? We should start a radio. Let's start a radio in Studio 2. Cool. See you in 2026 when you remember you've had the idea. That will be fun, though. Two hours a week.

Finn, it's a radio show. Pirate. Kind of do-ish. Yeah, have a week. Phenos, a radio show. Pirate. Kind of do-ish. Yeah. Have a word sound. Yeah. No, it's live. Yeah.

Oh, live radio. Take me back to student radio days. And we could be like features on it. People calling in. You know what I mean? Drive time. Brian here. What are you saying, Brian?

Bill Kenwright's dead. And you know what? He didn't get the respect he deserved from our fans. Right. A bit of hip hop. This one's for you, Bill Kenwright's dead and you know what? He didn't get the respect he deserved from our fans. Right, a bit of hip hop. This one's for you, Bill. No comments on Bill Kenwright. There you go, Carl. Couldn't let that one go. No comments. He's a good man.

A good man. Should we do some questions? He was not a fighting man. R.I.P. We're going to do, this first one is from Camalto. Yes, the boys. In other countries, they have a year of mandatory service when you turn 18 and we have to serve in the army or as a paramedic for a year. If you could impose a form of national service here,

what would you make it mandatory for people to do and at what age? So I've thought of this because I've read this before. I think everyone should have to do a year of hospitality at some point in their lives, just so they not- Respect? Just inviting people around to their house? Yeah.

Just hosting house parties. Doesn't everyone do a year in hospitality? No. He hasn't. Yeah, I have. What have you done? I worked at the Manchester Arena bar. Oh.

Fuck off. What? Doesn't really count. Why not? It's faceless, isn't it? You're just fucking throwing beers out. No. I was making drinks.

You were putting drinks in plastic. Yeah, it's not the same as working in a bar. It's quite faceless. Oh, you want a cocktail? But it's customer service in hospitality. I actually agree with you. I think that's a really good idea. I do think the idea of national service is an absolute joke and stupid

though. Oh, you've got to go and fight in in our wars even if you don't agree with them fuck off put me in prison put fucking Corrie on that sounds better than warling you'd have definitely gone to war depends who with if there was national subscription

the Hungarians conscription not national subscription I wouldn't have been getting's it called? National Service. Conscription. Conscription. It's not national subscription. I would have been getting involved with a rachna. It was an illegal warden. I reckon you'd have been well up for the argy-bargy. If you were just 20 years old.

Argentina. Yeah. That's the fourhands. Yeah, I think you'd have been there as well. I think if Carl had gone, you'd have been up for it. We'd have gone together. That would have been fun. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a beep of dog outside.

I wouldn't do it either. Fuck them. I'll fight when I want to fight. Not when tell what would you fight for um dogs women's rights well the last time we had it was world war ii so i think you would have fought what could you say to get out of it you could say i'd have fought in world war ii yeah i'd have done it then well that was used with rats, mate. What are you doing about it? Personally. Turn up and say, right, get out of straightener. Oh, that's it. No one ever offered him out. I'm an allied man.

What? And then the war's fought. If you win, the war's over. Yeah, it's just a straightener. Double or not, no. He goes big if you lose. What? He's still fighting them.

He kills 12 million if you lose. he's still fighting him he kills 12 million if you lose oof what are you doing you got a little bit of extra training hopefully Hitler yeah

I reckon he was an absolute pussy yeah yeah totally little straightener wasn't him little fucking dwarf cunt and he was a smackhead although he was on heroin wasn't he

basically speed speed speed yeah so you've basically got a fucking racist meth head they sound like they'd be hard

you know what I mean sounds like a like a little league team doesn't it rething meth head rething meth head yeah

little straightener with it fuck off you know what I mean imagine knocking Hitler out imagine being the guy who ended the war because you broke Hitler's jaw bars

on that end of the war he's like I am not fighting anymore ow yeah it's a straightener Imagine being the guy who ended the war because you broke Hitler's jaw. Paz. On that end of the war. He's like, I am not fighting anymore. Ow! Yeah, it's a straightener. That is enough. It's what a straightener is. It's like, this is it. Well, I would have liked to invade all of Europe.

Let's straighten all this out, eh? Me and you. It was back then. It was all this, wasn't it? Why, I... One of these uppercuts. Do you think they'd have let it go, like, mixed martial arts rules, or would it just be like...

Can't be getting animals involved. Jebbles. That's how they pronounce it in Germany. He was disappointed. Can I have a cooler name? No, you're Jebbles. Who was the mastermind of all of this? Jebbles.

He was the Richard Gere of his day. That's why they called him gerbils. He used to put them up his arse. Can you explain that one more? Do you know how about Richard Gere putting animals up his bum? Yeah, famously. I thought that was the Pet Shop Boys.

No, Richard Gere used to get hamsters and shit and put a pipe into his arsehole and get them to climb him and his bum up. That's why the Pet Shop Boys are called the Pet Shop Boys. That's what that move's called. It's called the Pet Shop Boys are called the Pet Shop Boys. That's what that move's called.

It's called the Pet Shop. Oh, is it, yeah? Yeah. That's what Richard Gere does. He sells gerbils out of his arsehole. Come on, kids. We're just going to have a look at Richard Gere's arsehole.

We're not buying anything. You can just pet them. Yeah, it's called Pet Shopping. Why the Pet Shop Boys are gay, aren't they? Not why they're gay, but one of the things they do as gay men.

What, put animals up their arse? Yeah, in pipes.? Not widely gay, but one of the things they do as gay men. What, put animals up their arse? Yeah, in pipes. Being gay is being attracted to men of the same species, Carl. No, I know that.

It's not fucking hoovering a fucking rabbit with your arse or... Dan? Yeah, he's right. You can be straight and have gerbils

up your arse. As long as they're lady gerbils. Don't want no men gerbils up there. That'd be fucking weird. Shoving a pipe up your arse

and putting a fucking chin chilling up it. It's nothing to do with being gay, pipe up your ass and put on a fucking, I don't know, like a chin chiller up here. It's nothing to do with being gay, is it? It's not being gay. Would you do it? No. That's not because I'm straight. It's because I don't want a gerbil in me arsehole. Richard Gere loves the puss and a bit of gerbil puss in his arse.

Can you Google that? Pet shop buddy. I've had a finger in me arsehole. Yeah, but you've never had the fucking budgie to get out of bed, have you? I like getting fingered. Can I do? The catch up boys refers to the bizarre sexual false. This rumour has dogged them from the start. It's literally why they're gay and that's why they sing because they've got fucking

ferrets up their arsehole and they're like ahhh. That's why they're gay and that's why they sing because they've got fucking ferrets up their arsehole and they're like that's why they started singing. I couldn't think of any more. Classic gay move become a fucking pop star with a ferret up your arsehole. It's a fact.

As the story goes Pet Job Boys is American slang for homosexuals who derive sexual gratification from putting hamsters up their behind. Yeah. Richard Gere did it

and not for the laugh. He wasn't trying to make people laugh. It's because he wanted to come. Where? Where? How have you seen it? Where you want to go? Oh, it's famous.

It's like Richard Gere. Law. Urban legend, yeah. Is it real? That's tricky dicky. Why have I never heard of this? I don't know. Have you been living under a rock, son?

I was on the 10 o'clock news every night for the last six years. Also, you were about... There's bombs in Syria, and Richard Gere's been shoving hamsters up his bumhole. Anyway, here's John with the news. Also, this is in the early 90s. Here's John with the news. I'm just the announcer.

And now on BBC One, fucking hell, I'm going to tell you this. Before John gets going, this is too juicy. Bombs in Syria. Never mind that. Bury the lead. It happened in the early 90s,

so you weren't even born. There's a one-liner here. Two gerbils and a pet shop are talking and one says to the other, if Richard Gere comes in, tell him you're a hamster. Good. That's nice.

Because he's very picky about what rodents go in his arse. Hamsters. Rodents, are they? Yeah. Hamsters, rodents. Yeah. That's our. Because he's very picky about what rodents go in his arse. Hamsters. Rodents are they? Yeah. Hamsters, rodents. Yeah.

That's our arse. You know. Rodents are bad word innit? You little rodents. It just means small little annoying thing doesn't it? Sylvester Stallone started this rumour about Richard Gere. Not real then. He's a famous black artist innit?

Hey old Richard you got hamsters in your arse hole? He's deaf. Why did he say arse hole? I don't hear no gibber. I don't Richard. I don't Richard. I don't hear no gerbil. I don't hear no bell. Go on, so Richard in the room with Richard Gere. That's Richard Gere. Hello, I'm Richard Gere.

On the Gere. You've met him at a lovely... Why are you talking like that, Richard? You got a hamster in your ass or something? Have you had a stroke? Yes, I love a bit of ass play. But not with a lady. With vermin. Gerbil.

Vermin, okay. Hamster. What else? Squirrel? Ferret? Rat. Oh, you can't be shoving rats up your arse. You can't, but they're vermin, aren't they?

Otter? Mouse. Otters aren't vermin, are they? You're keen if you've got an otter up your arsehole. Vole. Vole? I wouldn't let them anywhere near my arsehole. Shoot them.

Again, if this is your first episode, it's been a lot. I know. It's been a lot. This is pretty much what we do. I'd say national conscription, bad idea. I think that's the point we're trying to make. And if national conscription

means I have to put an otter up my arsehole, then count me out. This war can fight itself. I don't know how we got there. I just went and looked at the question again. I don't know how we got there.

Next question. Next question. This is from Joe Mansbridge. Hi, lads. My man's got bridge, got bridge i'm in the process of watching all the episodes from episode one and early on you did top five comedy specials of all time any chance we can know what your top five comedy specials are of the last five years also would any of those new specials now make your overall top five um shane gillis live in austin pow is definitely in the top five in the last five years i would also put his beautiful dogs yeah in in there i

think he's two of the last five years top five john mulaney's latest one baby jay baby jay is definitely in it yeah it's amazing yeah when's nate bargazzi tennessee kid because i have watched it so much. It's beautiful. So I haven't watched that all the way through. I think I've got to think about Nate Bargatze because he obviously didn't, but in my head, he stole me joke.

Right. Because we had the exact same joke with the exact same pacing and punchlines. He's a thieving cunt. I remember him being at live shows in Liverpool. And I'd never heard of him. And someone was like, have you seen this clip?

And I was like, that's my bit. Do you remember the bit I used to do about the Insanity Workout? And it was like, oh, how do I get the before photo? I want to be the before guy, yeah. But like, it wasn't just the same idea. It was the same three angles within the bit. Yeah. And he obviously hasn't stole it.

It is obviously parallel thinking, but it's always bothered me. Fuck you, Nate. Nate Bogatsky's 2019. So you're in. Oh my God, it's so good. fuck you need nate bogatsky's 2019 so you're in oh my god it's so good i'm gonna watch that later tonight he is fucking smashing it like he's gone massive he's one of the biggest uh comics in the u in the us now was would any of those make your overall top five now would gillis sneak in there anywhere? Live in Austin might. Where's Infamous? That might be...

I wasn't going to bring it up. Like, I think Schultz's life special when that goes out... Is going to be... Will be in that top five. I don't think Infamous is for me. It's so good. It's fantastic, but it's just...

Because Chappelle's Sticks and Stones was 2019, wasn't it? Let's check. I had a magic check. And I think that is a vastly underrated special because of the controversy. So I would put Sticks and Stones, Baby J, the two Shane Gillis specials,

and... There's another one that I watch loads and I can't think of what it is. Let me have a look on my Netflix. What are your favourites? Maybe Ball Hog from Segura. Yeah. Yeah, not the...

Not Sledgehammer. No, Sledgehammer's good. Sledgehammer's great, but it's not Ball Hog. Gillis' is definitely... Both of Gillis' are another level. I think Live in Austin's one of my favourite specials I think it might be number one yeah

I can't I think in the last five years I think Liven Austin is number one I can't tell you how much I I love it I think Beautiful Dogs might be three the stuff about his sister

being on heroin is some of the most incredible brilliant funny brutal honest comedy

and has just laugh out loud circuit like punchlines in it and you're talking about your sister being on heroin and having cancer and covid and it's still it doesn't feel like contrived at any point it feels like he is just doing stand-up rather than doing emotional stand-up he's excellent well are there any of your contemporaries that you think have released really good specials recently? Anyone that's been on the couch in terms of Alfie's special.

Vittorio's I loved. I really loved Vittorio's special. Vittorio's is really good. It's a really interesting special. It's a proper Edinburgh show. Mike Rice has got a very funny one out at the moment. Go and check out Mike Rice. So Vittorio, really, really good.

Alfie's Live in Liverpool is a proper murder, especially it's a proper, and obviously we made both his and... That boy Will Hutch be good. I'll tell you what was really good, Kiss. Sean Walsh's Kiss was a really good kiss. Sean Walsh's Kiss. Yes, it fucking was, Finn. Can you tell that I don't watch comedy anymore?

Yeah. I find it easier watching American comedy. Same. This is why I'm having to go through this list to look at who we've had on. Mark Nelson's had a special out recently. Brilliant. Very funny.

Supporting me in Scotland. Good luck, Dan. Okay. Yeah. There's a few there that, you know, our mates who've done really well but any of them go and check them out also ali wong mate her first two specials are fucking brilliant she's like six months pregnant i sort of watch them begrudgingly oh so good she's what a fucking joke writer she is she's a club comic that does it on a big scale. But her new special is shot

in like four different clubs and it's so good. Nice. Right, we're going to do a couple of confessions. Banger. Do you want the banger version? Yes, always.

Where's the banger version? Where's the banger version? Someone's got a banger version. Oh, getting naughty. Getting naughty. Chasing status boiler room. Oh, it's a sneaky one. The amount of pills.

No, this is never going on at the warehouse project. This is a trashy hard house. Not even that. The amount of pills you need to dance we've got two similar confessions um so here's the first one hi lads quick confession after listening to the fish confession on the jamoan episode uh we bought fish to keep as pets and kept them in this big tank as my little one-year-old daughter loves them when my fiance was at work i sat my daughter up in her chair right up against the tank as i fitted a new filter i'd obviously brought the wrong filter as when i turned it on all the little fishies were sucked up one by one there was fleshy fish confetti all in the tank and i'd propped my daughter up and essentially forced her to watch this aquarium version of saw that i'd put

together she burst into tears and seemed to have been traumatised. When my fiancé came home, I told her that I'd taken the fish out of the tank to fit the new filter and that our daughter had thrown the bags of fish on the floor and murdered them. Do I live with this lie? Do I deserve penance? You

absolutely have to live with the lie because you've blamed murder on your child. How old is this baby? One-year-old daughter. Oh, you always blame the one-year-old. 100%. Did you shit on your Jackstick? What? You what?

Did you shit on your son's cock? What the fuck kind of question is that? You've just said you always blame the children. Yeah. And the other day you told us that Jack pooed on his knob. So that means that you pooed on his knob so that means that you pooed on his knob that is honestly without context that is the worst sentence you've ever said on this podcast i knew the context awful you have to be a patron to and then even then it's horrific

but did you no that's nasty guys no he didn't nasty that boy shitting on his own digging balls well we've all been there um so what penance does this lad well it's fucking i mean not that i'm an expert on fish but why have you put an outboard motor in a fucking fish tank what fucking filter do you and the fish are like like also when one dies surely you go fucking i'll switch that off you're not watching every fish go into it and get fucking come on it'll stop now oh no well that one was a weak swimmer what kind of filth is this when it's like a fucking chainsaw and yeah i have no it is it is on him once again you don't need to confess to anything you're confessing to us we'll give you your penance but what's his penance

um he has to buy his his daughter a new big fish tank with lovely fish in it. I don't think he should be trusted anywhere near fish tanks. That's a good point. It's penance. Yeah. He has to buy like a shark. I don't think he's allowed to eat fish for one year.

I think a lot of people would see that as a reward, Dan. Including you. Oh, absolutely. It was yellow haddock. The amount of fish I would murder just to not eat them. It's horrific. Killing field. But maybe he loves a bit of, you know,

that tasty fish place. Place is a fish. What if he loves a tuna steak? I'm saying words and I'm not sure they're right. Tuna steak is a thing. Well, he's not having it. Can we say one year? One year without fish?

One year without fish. Including... One year without... I just don't think that's enough penance for... One year only fish. He's made it fish and blamed a child. Okay, let's go extreme then. Do one year vegetarian.

No, I've got it. He's going to take his daughter to school on her first day dressed as something from Finding Nemo. Yeah, he's got to dress up as Finding Nemo, but also, I've got it. He's going to take his daughter to school on her first day dressed as something from Finding Nemo. Yeah, he's got to dress up as Finding Nemo, but also, I like your thing, he's got to be vegan for a year. Oh, shit. Wow.

Pescatarian, at least. You can only fish that better. Pescatarian for a year. You've killed fish, so kill more fish. There you go. Your breath's going to fucking stink, Lyd. Can we talk about the hen do and the stag do that went to Amsterdam?

Where the girl sucked it out of accidentally? Yeah. Because the initial listen of that, where, I don't know if you've seen it, but it went viral this week, didn't it? Yeah. Where basically someone's telling their mate, oh my God, I've heard this story.

I live with a girl in a house share. She knows a girl who went on a stag and hen do, and it was one of those joint ones where they got to Amsterdam and went off in their separate ways. One of the girls gets absolutely hammered and is in like a glory hole place, one of these places,

and she starts sucking off a willy that comes through the wall. And then there's a little button where it becomes translucent. And you both press it, yeah. Yeah, and you can see it. And you can see and she thought oh fuck it for a laugh because she's steaming she presses the button and it's her dad and she's just sucked him off and then the whole stag and hen collapses everyone goes fucking mental it gets back to the mom who's furious it's broken the family up and the first time i listened to it, I bought it, because I was like,

ah, this is fucking mad, because it's done very well, and then I started calling bullshit. I still believe it. You're expecting it to be The Groom. Yeah. I was when I first listened to it. You're going,

ah, it's going to be The Groom, and then plot twist. A hundred percent, everyone thinks you know where this is going, and it's a dad, but do you think it was bullshit? No, I because i think people but i want like that's what i hate when we have to call bullshit on the show because i like living in a world where all of this is possibly like possible and true do you know what i mean have you seen the monkey one that's yeah

that's true that one was a few years ago but that got brought back i don't know where they were in thailand or something? Yeah. Or did someone get sucked off by a monkey? One of the kids is like a kip on a bed, drunk, whatever, and a monkey breaks in and starts sucking him off. And because he didn't want to scare the monkey,

he said, bit his cock off. They just watched it happen. They took pictures. They stood outside the door. They didn't want to scare the monkey, so they had to start doing a video, and they had to put it, you know, live streaming it. What they said in the viral video

is that they stood outside the door making monkey noises in the hope that the monkey would be tempted out. But it sucked them off. There's pictures of it. There's a picture of it. And then he wakes up and flies home. What a great reason to get thrown out of your hotel room for being racist.

Like, fucking, no, no, no, no, nothing like that. I didn't know the room next door where they were black i just what we were trying to do was coax out a monkey was sucking off our mate my bad no but if the kid wakes up sees the picture and then flies home and doesn't even speak to them yeah because he's got a wall he's been sucked off by a monkey if i got sucked off by a monkey that didn't bite my dick off, I would take the life win. I honestly thought that was ending with a monkey.

How dirty are your monkeys? They're like... They literally all have AIDS. That's where AIDS comes from, isn't it, Dan? Take that back. The monkey said. What? So that's why they're sucking everyone off?

No. You have a very low opinion of monkeys. But if you get sucked off by a monkey, you might have fucking monkey AIDS. Can you give AIDS through your mouth through the day? You can get any STD from any and sexual. Monkey or otherwise. We've all been there.

The group, lads, group's called Gay Monkey. That's real because there's pictures. That's unbelievable. I refuse to believe as well, even if this is a fucking, a monkey with a full STD check and it's clean and it throws that, yeah. If you get sucked off by a monkey,

I refuse to believe that you have got the presence of mind to be like, do you know what? Could be worse. Could have bit me cock off. Zip. I just don't believe you. I think you'd be like,

I can't believe this. Happy hour. To be fair. I think I might, yeah, it might take a cold shower in a little thing. If a monkey did suck you off, would you rather finish or not?

Would you rather as a bike? I really don't like not finishing. You don't want blue balls, do you? Blue balls are eight, mate. If I'm walking around with a bollock full of cum, I'm in a bit of a mood, do you? Blue balls are eight, mate. If I'm walking around, I'm going to bollock full of cum. I'm in a bit of a mood, you know what I mean? Good song. Right.

Yeah. Well, the damage is done. I mean, you've got AIDS, haven't you? Because you're getting sucked off either way, you may as well cum. Yeah. You hungry, Dan? Yeah, I was thinking this has put me in the mood for some food.

No. Dan. Dan, for some food. No. Dan, Dan, hit the jingle. No, where is it? I think it's on the last page. Oh, God. Where is it? I don't want it to be... I literally don't know where it is.

I'm not sure. Oh, there it is. Dan versus food. Okay, that'll do you. Food versus food. Right. Okay, that'll do you. So, welcome back to another episode.

This is Dan versus food. Dan is a 42-year-old man with food phobias. And every week we make him try a food that he's never tried before. Now, Dan, you said you didn't like fish, but you didn't say anything about raw fish, did you? This is a charcuterie board. We've got you a picky tea, essentially. Girl dinner.

Picky tea. Right. Why have you gone... Why is there nine things on there? Because it's a picky tea. Picky tea. What fucking idiot girl is making that for a tea? So we've got you plenty of things to try this week, okay?

So these are some olives. They're going to be really nice, I'll tell you right now. They are. These are some in the break. These are little chicken skewers. Little sausages. Yeah. Sausages. You got little...

Cocktail sticks, yeah? Don't eat them. But this is what we're really getting you to try this week, is sushi. Finn, get me the bin, please. So, Dan, this is a wonderful board. There's a baby bell there, mate.

What? Are you worried? You've just put sushi and fucking puke on the plate It's not puke, it's coleslaw It looks like puke What have we gone with first? This looks to me like a tuna sushi roll Oh yeah, you're right

What's this? Oh madness what's this chicken oh my god i can't believe chicken satay oh so what satay i can't i don't even know how to say it what is that roll oh mad that oh what is that roll that it looks like is a well you just stick harry's mic on for a sec put harry's mic on. So the side with four on is a duck roll. Oh, this is duck? And then the one that's in a line of three is like fish. Okay, so this isn't tuna.

This is duck, and you will like duck. You like duck? It's just like nice chicken. Quack, quack, quack. It's honestly more like just a richer chicken. You're going to really like it. Quack. You are going to really like duck.

It's duck with rice. That's it. And duck is just fancy chicken. All right. By the way, this is, I feel overstimulated here. Yum yum. Quack quack, is that what you did? I go yum yum.

Don't just bite the rice. It's fucking rice, you absolute mad swat. That's horrible, isn't it? Well done. I think you've had it a million times before. Horrible. What do you mean, I've had it a million times? Rice. A million times.

Right. Underrated, overrated. Rice bag of shite. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Rice is a brilliant accompaniment to a meal. Harry, without walking in front of that camera,

could you go and get me a knife for the cheese? There is a little nibbing bit at the end that is off. A what? A picky tea is not complete without rice, Dan. So Dan, what did you think of the duck sushi? Save yourself the trip. I ain't eating whatever that cheese is. Fuck that noise.

Right. You like cheese? That wasn't... Duck sushi? How's it feel? That was all right, you know. That was all right. Prawn sushi.

Okay, so prawn is a sea animal. It looks like prawn. It might be something else. That is the noise prawns make. The olives are good, aren't they? Why are we starting with this? Oh, what's this? What's this mad thing?

Bombay mix Oh, wow Thank you for watching Dan vs Food I've tried Have your prawn and stop being a cunt Oh, God Just put it in your mouth and swallow You're a bit For the audio listeners just come and watch this video

It's well better Go on baby You can do it We love you Dan Oh shut up Quiet quiet That noise that prawns me That's just rice you mad squab

I know but I know what's in the rice. Can I take some rice off? Yeah, get the bit you don't like off. I can't do it. You can. I can't. Just lick it. It's just rice.

It's just piss. Eat your piss. I'd rather have piss. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. You can do it.

Go on. It's not bad is it? Well done. He's just pissed. Dan, we're proud that you tried it. Yeah, well done. You ever had an olive before? Oh, what? Right, this is a scotch egg. Olives are horrible. Yeah, well done. You ever had an olive before?

This is a scotch egg. Olives are horrible. Olives are horrible. It's like... Olives are well-made. It's like rubber and salt. No, they're well-made. It's like a spell that's been soaked in the sea. No, olives are banging.

No, I'm not doing it. It's a scotch egg. No fucking way. I can't do it. It's just a bit of a scotch egg no no just a bit of puff

everything does it I'm overdone I'm overstimulated okay I can't move on from the scotch egg I can't I added my card

no come on no that's a bad train it's sausage and egg for foxy I can't do it you can I'm not putting that in my mouth.

Hold it at least. I'll tell you what. Do me a favour. Just because this, like, let's do it in stages. You know? You're the meat. You're the meat.

Ma, ma, per, per. You're my bro. Scotchy egg. Let's just have a little bit of the sausage, right? Like your mum would. Not the floor, though. Don't eat it off the floor. Right.

Have that. Just try that. That's just sausage? That is try that. That's just sausage? That is just sausage. It's just sausage bread? It's just piss. I can't have it. It stinks of egg. I can't. I can't eat it.

I've found my limit. I can't put it in my mouth. Okay, what else is on there? Oh, mate. Cheese. Right, what type of cheese is this? Nice cheese. It's brie. It's brie and it's really good look

Right I was absolutely fired Adam You being able to eat it Doesn't prove it's edible It does It literally does No it doesn't

Everyone knows it's edible If it was cyanide You wouldn't eat it I'm not fussy Because I'm like I don't know if Adam will eat this Eat it It's cheese

Look at this little paneero. Deep throat in it. Oh my god. Ooh! Wow. Second bite of brie. It's just bad cheese. It's fucking great cheese.

Oh, lads, I can't do any more. All you've got left now, by the looks of it, is a baby bell and there's some horseradish there. And there's some horseradish. Kiss my fucking arse if I have any horseradish. You've overdone me today, guys. Do you think horseradish is like horse poo? Have you ever had a baby bell?

I'll try it. I will try it. Oh, madness. What am I like? It's the red stuff. Tastes weird. I will try it. Oh, madness. What am I like? It's the red stuff tastes weird. Fabel's horrible. Plastic cheese. I think I had this as a kid

because I was like, oh, mate, they look dead tasty in red. Oh, please. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. That's unbelievable These aren't my favourite cheese Babybel

Can I tell you though The cheese I don't really like it Unless it's melted I give Wallace Tablets and Babybel You can eat it Right that was Dan Messers

Well done Babybel Well done Dan Well done Right honestly I know Jordan Like it does feel like We're all bullying you And that's because Well done. Well done, Dan. Right, honestly. I know, Jordan, it does feel like we're all bullying you. And that's because you're a little fucking mingum. We have to.

You know what I mean? Right, yeah. Thank you. Thanks for the support. We do genuinely love you. And you did well. Can I just go through what happened there? The duck in the sushi, not bad.

I'll give you that. I'll give you that. in the sushi yeah not bad oh i'll give you that i'll give you that um the prawn i don't know how much i tasted i sort of just panicked yeah yeah the olives i get that it's an acquired taste but it's like some plastic is soaked into the juice that they're in it's so i don't like uh chicken sat sat. I've never... Yeah, I'd go for that again. I'm never... I think I'm putting a ban on eggs.

I can't do it. That is honestly the epitome of... That might as well be wrapped in yellow. You're going to have scrambled eggs at some point. Scrambled eggs is good. That's such an entry level egg. This is a little bit harder, to be honest. We've got an interesting one for you next week that you'll see.

Yeah, can we just do one or two? What's the 19? Yeah, we've got three next week. Oh Lord. That's gilding, isn't it Dan? You've just had gilding for the first time. What fucking smelly Brenda

is having that for her tea? Break? Break time. Need some sneak. Sausage roll and tomato ketchup is such an underrated little snack

did you get six no as I left for lunch you went what's with the fat shaming in this fucking building today

you literally said if they've got six or something yeah because three of us wanted two each yeah but you said if they haven't got six

I don't want any yeah that's honestly what I but you said if they haven't got six, I don't want any. Yeah, that's honestly what I heard. I said, if they haven't got six hundred rolls, I'll just not have a sneak peek. Yeah. As in like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see where I got it.

Anyway, let's do this. Hey! How are you? All right. What's the drama with the past three? Right, so Finn, our lovely talented musician and Amish child, right?

He did a, he did a run to Greg's during the break. God bless you. And I said I wanted two sausage rolls. I was the first to order them by the way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Carl was like, I'll have two sausage rolls as well. And then Jack said, I'll have two sausage rolls as well. So being a really lovely person

and a magnanimous man, I said, do you know what? If they haven't got six, just get me a steak bake. But it does sound like a greedy thing, doesn't it? I was like, if they haven't got six, I don't fucking want them. I've got six minimum. No, who's that greedy where they're like,

I want six sauce rolls or one steak bake? That's how good, yeah? That's how good a steak bake is? That looks like a lovely new flavoured sneak you've got there yeah it is it's it's candy apple candy apple

how have they not lost their rag with how hand their drops are he is not smiling oh shut up Steve you big fucking space idiot it's really good what is that it's the best energy drink on the market He is not smiling. Oh, shut up, Steve. You big fucking space idiot. It's really good. What is that?

What is that? It's the best energy drink on the market. When you've eaten six sausage rolls and need to poo them out instantly, sneak. When they don't have six sausage rolls at the Greggs near you and you need to run to two other Greggs, sneak. Lindsay, I like your hair colour. Thanks. Yeah, it's pink, isn't it? It's a gradient, though, isn't it?

It's a gradient. The underneath is a darker pink and the top is a lighter pink. Yeah. When the wind blows, it's very exciting. How long have you had pink hair? I died at pink because I worked for a place that said that I couldn't have pink hair and I wanted to get sacked

so but I didn't want to get sacked properly I wanted to be very difficult so I kept dyeing my hair and then pink stuck that's it that's the story

did you get sacked nah nah left in the air what gaff was this that you couldn't have pink hair I can't speak of it alright CIA

can you imagine being the fucking CIA you can't be a spy with pink hair? I can't speak of it. All right, CIA. Could you imagine being a fucking CIA? You can't be a spy with pink hair. You're going undercover with the Taliban while I'm not using my pink hair. Watch when the wind blows, because you see all the colour. Lindsay Santoro undercover with the Taliban. It's a sketch I want to see.

Yeah, but they're not expecting it. You know? Yeah, it's hard in plain sight, isn't it? Hard in plain sight, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, thanks for having me anyway. It's been great. We were going to have you come up last week, but I forgot to confirm, yeah,

and you forgot because you just wrote in your diary the word have. Yeah, I did. I wrote the word have and then also my child was sick. Well, she wasn't sick, she was proper snotty and you know well dan you know you know when they get a bit rancid and you know they're gonna be yeah yeah yeah um can i say cunts you can say whatever you want okay yeah when the kids are a bit of an arsehole how old's your child two she's a knob she's a knob she's a it's not for me, Motherhood.

I think that's brave of me to say. It is brave. It's so brave. What's the child's name? Or do you not want to say? May. May. Yeah, two-year-old and just a bit of a gobshite.

She's lovely. She's funny. But what I've realised is she's me. Yeah, that's it, isn't it? When you meet someone who's just like you and i just do you know then god i can't how can this be how short because my husband's beautiful he's got a very lovely temperament and he's very kind and compassionate and and just i thought well maybe because when she come out she just looked like me and i thought well she'll have his personality but then she just turned out to be me and i'm a cunt came out with pink hair speaking alibaba is that why you called him may because it sounds like me in your accent doesn't it it's where

if you say may in your accent it's my it's just a little name it's my very. Very good. He's nice. He's clever, he is. Thank you. Good, I like that. Do you think... Get that on the poster. Do you think she's got comic tendencies? Yeah, she's definitely not bad. Yeah, she's very... Would you mean like narcissistic? Because she's definitely...

She loves attention. She's very good at just pushing other kids over. Doing all that. Very good at just pushing other kids over um doing all that yeah i had a terrible experience with that have you had to tie yours to the alpha yet oh what don't when they come and do the mot yeah yeah they basically do a baby mot to check you're not fucking it up yeah yeah yeah there we had to go for one of them this was this this was the moment i thought fucking hell I'm really not doing a good job here they do all this stuff

where they have to they give the kids like beads to like play with and if they've got motor skills we're doing all that she's fine with that

and then I was talking to the health visitor about like her diet like is you know is she alright to have Lucozade is she okay to have that

and the health visitor is she ready to go to six chicken nuggets rather than four just talking about her thing and then she's doing that my daughter was playing and she tipped all these beans on the floor and she just went what a fucking mess and the health minister's just started swearing at two years old yeah really full sentences she's a proper

proper chatty really she's like shut up Dan's son Jack is not like fully there with the sentences and he's speaking

with a Chinese accent he was he's grown out of it it's weird one's have to teach a two and a half year old about racism but

we had to I'm not the health visitor was chinese that was the awkward thing uh no um yeah they've got their sentence whites i think etta was about three and a half where she was doing coloring in and and we watched her and she went over the line and went fuck sake you can't bollock them because it's been used in context perfectly yeah i went to my cousin's the other night

and she's got I don't know how old their daughter is but she got really frustrated and our dolly was like will you stop misbehaving Adam's here he has come all this way

to see you and you're being really naughty she looked volument oh really and I just lost it laughing I'm like... That's brilliant. And Dolly was like, yeah, but you know,

we only do that in the house, don't we? Because that's mummy and yours private jokes. You've got no private jokes with a two-year-old. Oh, yeah, sorry, I'll keep this quiet at school. What, is it lunchtime? What about these? Get fucked. What, it's lunchtime? I'm doing my Get fucked. What, lunchtime? It's lunchtime, is it?

I'm doing me work. You can fuck off. Sit on that. Lindsay, I never thought I'd say this to a guest on the show. What? But this is just from Edinburgh when we were hanging out together in Edinburgh. Yeah. Will you show everyone the tooth thing?

I can't. I've got my tooth fixed. No! I'm so sorry. Do you know what the reason I invited you on? Oh, sorry, babe. We were just at a bar in Edinburgh and she just took her teeth out. All of them.

No, not all of them. I had a front one and it used to be on a denture and I could just pop it out and it made him feel violently ill so I just kept doing it all the time. You know when you're just not expecting someone to take their front tooth out and smile at you? Yeah, most times. Yeah, but that conversation only came up because when I bumped into him, he walked into the room and his teeth were fucking neon,

like glowing. I saw like, you know that thing in The Simpsons where Mr Burns is an alien and he comes out the fucking trees. I bring you love. And I could feel him. I could feel this light coming into the room and I looked and it was, you just had him done, hadn't you? That's another really funny thing so on

this week's Patreon episode if you're not a patron yet sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod me and Jade are merch manager is that okay? Went to a spiritualist church for a laugh I love them it's so funny innit but like

Jade has had the exact same thing done to her teeth which is is composite bondant to make your teeth look shiny and perfect. And the spirit medium looked at both of us and was like, these two next to each other, and there's dental work. Oh, no. Am I lying?

Someone's been a dentist. I can just, yeah, something to do with teeth. She's a fucking genius, this one. You could do that, because you're the MC. You've got the wit and the... You could do it better now, I bet you. What, do crowd work with people who want to speak to the dead? No.

I'm seeing in your future a haircut, you scruffy cunt. Is it just basically just doing a roast as you go around? It's just cold reading, isn't it? Right. You've got an ass on? I don't even know if that's cold reading or if it's just looking. I see nice, good brushing

in your future and past. And then Lindsay takes a tooth out. I see fist fights. Yeah. Gypsy street fights. Is that what it was? You got punched? Well, it's a bit of a...

I don't... Oh, go on right i was really pissed and i headbutted a woman i was fucking off my head pissed was it the health visitor no it was actually it was it was a mirror i was so pissed i've headbutted myself in the fine, am I right? Not at home, not at home. No, at the Wetherspoons. Oh my God. You had butter in the middle at the Wetherspoons? It didn't come out, it just went black, like it went black and then it went like it died,

the tooth died and I went to the dentist and he said, what happened? I went, I slipped over carrying laundry. I was doing relief work in Africa when I fell. Why did you have both your own image? What? What had you done to anger yourself?

I have no recollection, but my friend was like, I woke up and she was like, what have you done? She was like, do you not remember knotting yourself? Probably then. I was like that. Are you a bit wild, Lindsay, after a few babies? No, no, I used to be. Did you?

You used to cause a bit of murder and that? No, I never really went out and started fights, but I would just get pissed and wander off and talk to people and just a bit of a liability. Oh, I've been one of them. Yeah, the night of my mum's funeral, I went to bed and every one of my friends and family went to Pop World because they assumed that's where I'd them. Yeah, the night of my mum's funeral, I went to bed and every one of my friends and family went to Pop World because they assumed that's where I'd gone.

Oh, God. What a liability you were. Fucking, where's Adam? He's taking himself to bed. No, I'd gone home to bed. Yeah. And then I got a phone call in bed. Woke up like hammered.

So I was like, what did you ring me for? Oh, and then you went to Pop World. No, no, no. No. Our Danny, our Jack, and our Dolly, I'd left my mum's wake, and they went, and that was in West Arby,

and they went, he's obviously just gone to Pop World. I thought this was bullshit until we walked into Pop World together. Never been in Pop World in Liverpool ever. I don't think they'd been for about eight years, and the DJ went, okay, it's Adam and Carl.

Used to call me Lord Farquaad. Fuck it, who's died? Right, oh my God. We'd walk into a Saturday night in Potwell, Chocker, and DJ Carl Burns, who was the resident DJ, would say Adam and Carl just walked in the building. Just say his name. Yeah, he's a Potwell DJ, everyone knows who he is, don't they?

And then he would usually put a song we like on. Yeah. And just start playing put a song we like on. Yeah. He just started playing Place Your Hands By Reef. Place Your Hands By Reef back in the day was me wagon wheel for him back then, you know. Quality. Where was this that you grew up? You're from the West Midlands?

Oh, she's from the Middle East, I'm cautious. Is it Dudley? No, I'm from South Birmingham. South Birmingham. Just Birmingham. Birmingham. the middle east i'm cautious is it dudley no i'm from uh south birmingham so birmingham just birmingham birmingham but my accent's bad because it's just bad i don't know it's worse than most people's is it i quite like the birmingham accent i think no you fucking don't nobody does it's not he blinders has done a lot of heavy lifting for it though i think but they've it's more your eyes they've got the nicer northerly

brummie accent whereas mine's like guttural fucking shout noise being voice you're not proud of where you're from lindsey no i'm proud of where i'm from not too keen on the way i sound i can't help that can i i could try and do posh. Go on. Give me a sentence. Hello, my name's Lindsay and I've just bought a snake. Hang on. Oh, I can't do it. How'd you do it? Give me a word. Hello.

Say hello, posh. It just gave you the wrong 12 words. No, but say it posh. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.

My name is Lindsay and I've just bought a snake. That's not bad. She does sound deaf, though. Now do it like you're undercover with the Taliban. Hello, I'm Lindsay and I'm in the Taliban. Who's saying that to? Do you know the Taliban? They'll be like, good, good, so are we.

What are you doing here? Hello, my name is Lindsay and I'm actually in the Taliban. Good, good. So are we. What are you doing here? I know. My name is Lindsay. And I'm actually in the Taliban. Where's my gun? Keep that to yourself. Are we all on the same team? Are we?

We've got Taliban. Lindsay. Yes. Name tag says Lindsay. At the monthly meetings. It's induction day at the Taliban. Induction day. Fuck it out.

Yeah, freshers week. Okay, everybody, we're going bowling. And then it's traffic. And then it's... That's freshers. That's Taliban freshers. I couldn't go bowling. Couldn't grab the ball. He was great at

zip lining though. Abu, you've had your turn didn't even need the guys fuck off so have you slowed down now is that what you're saying have I what have you slowed down now is it all

has it all changed you're a bit crazy headbutting mirrors in weather spoons but now it's chilled out that was an older talk I very much prefer lying in my own house on the floor eating crisps. Like every time since birth, as we all have. No, I think it's been a continuous laziness, to be honest.

What's that noise? It's a dog, isn't it? I thought it was my arse. Sometimes, though, you're not just doing fart. Why were you asking us? No, because you don't know if it's yours? No, because I don't. Sometimes it just seeps, doesn't it? No?

The whining puppy. What's that noise? Is that my arse? No. Yeah, sometimes. Have you never? No, all right, fine. It's just me.

I've never in my life heard a noise and thought is that my arse never ever no you know if it is I've got IBS if my arse is making noise it's also rumbling do you know what I mean my arse is permanently

set to vibrate what sets you off bread what sets my stomach off breathing being awake being asleep six sausage rolls

six sausage rolls and a steak bike will fucking do that yeah IBS might be the sexiest of cities though you know what I mean like the ultimate level

of sex is bumming innit and it's to the weird arsehole so that's my logic What? Super sexy yeah The thing that makes bumming the most awful

I could imagine any bumming ever being Liquid shit Do you think bumming's ultimate sex? It's like the final boss like difficulty it's the final boss

innit like that's the last thing you do with someone the last is it what a goodbye bumming all the best

I am gonna miss you so much Mandy get your arsehole out let's say goodbye properly I will always remember the ten years we've had together

now get your fucking ass on out no what I'm saying is that fucking hell man have you had sausage rolls is that my ass oh god you know what I'm saying is you build up to the bottom it's the pinnacle of sex I'm telling you right now if you start

with it there's trouble ahead if a girl goes let's just like I know we've not finished our first of sex. Yeah. I'm telling you right now, if you start with it, there's trouble ahead. If a girl goes, let's just, I know we've not finished our first drink, but will you hurry up and bum me? I think you're in

choppy waters. Would you say yes, though? What? If a girl was like finishing their first half of their French martini and she goes, just hurry up and bum me.

What would you say, genuinely, if you were single? Can we have a cuddle first? What would you do? If you were on a date, right, first date gone it's been a while she's gone she's gone right she's she's moved away she's gone to try and achieve peace in the middle east that's nice she can't even manage peace in the kitchen right and then she's like look

you should move on with your life she's gone she's moved on she's going yeah she's got a stay-at-stay with a girl and she's just like look i'm just gonna get straight go on i'm just yeah do her as a gay man because i love go on you're drinking your sneak danny she's gonna bottle of water i'm just gonna get straight to the point now i much prefer it in the bum hole to the pussy Really? So I'm just wondering if I come back to yours tonight Will you fuck me in the arse to completion? Who completes? To what?

Game over Can we complete my arsehole? Alright Can we just put that on hold? Are we having starters? I'll have a garlic bread and cheese, and then I'm probably going to go a nice pasta, and then I'll bum you to completion.

If you could have something non-spicy, that would be phenomenal. Yeah, all right. Yeah, I'd be intimidated. I'll just have some yoghurt. Where that at? Cool. Where's that going?

Garlic bread and cheese, a nice spicy pasta. Yogurt. Yogurt for the lady. Yogurt. Straight to the yogurt call. Would you be scared? To be honest, I'd be so grateful to be out there

that I'd probably just have to roll with it. The thing with me is I think I'm pretty dirty in my head. And then in reality, when I'm out in the field, I think I could get fucking shell-shocked pretty quick. I think you could be intimidated quite quickly. I don't. There's nothing. What's wrong?

You haven't been dominated? What's wrong? No, I was just thinking, I don't think I could do dominatrix stuff because I'd just be shit like, just sit down and shut up a minute. Will you give me five minutes? It's not domination, that's nagging.

Put the wash on, you dirty boy. He's liking it. If you had to choose, Doc. Right, so there's two women here, right? And you're deciding which one you want to go on a date with. Equally attractive, they're twin sisters. They're both me. Hello. And I'm. They're twin sisters. They're both me. Hello.

And I'm taking her down the spoons. That's my sexy noise. Is that your arsehole? Is that my arsehole? Two sexy lindsays going up on me. One of them is like, she wants to dominate you. She's like, I'm going to tie you up and spank that little body of yours. Little body?

Your head punched in. Wow, that is a gear shift, isn't it? I will spank your little body and I will fucking punch your head in. Go on, I'm into it. But the other one's like spank my body and punch my head in. Who are you going for? Ultimate domination or be dominated?

I'll go, I like to be the spanky, not the spanker. Ooh. I'll take a spank. God, sorry. Yeah, from Lindsay. Lady. How about you, Lindsay? Aye.

Am I punching someone's head in or am I having my head punched in? Which one? I'd rather not have my head punched in. No, no, just figuratively, like in a sexy way. Are you the domineer or the domineer? I am the one that does the least work. Oh, then you're the spanked. Yeah, yeah, do what you like.

Just don't wake me up. Mate, if you're ever spanking someone and they fall asleep, you're not doing it right. I'm the domineer, me. Oh, yeah, yeah. Domineeria what's that the dominator the dominator you sound like a vibrator the dominator what you think yeah probably i don't oh you said probably the dominator i don't want to be spanked you don't want to be spanked no but i also can't imagine you going ham on a woman what's ham on a woman that's on the dominator pizza it's double ham i'd have that i can't imagine finn if a woman was like slap me

pinch me bite me fuck me i can't imagine he'd be like it's like bopping fuck me fuck me bite me Fuck me Fuck me Bite me DJ Dictionary How to ruin Christmas day Fucking hell

Graham's got it there Spank it Spit on it Yeah I just don't know whether you've got that in you Have you got that in you? I can't see that in you I've had it in me in the past

Really? I've had it in me in the past. Really? I've had it in you in the past. You're so non-committal today. Yeah. You know, some things are not for the world to see. Some things are not for the world to see. Do you know where you work? Yeah, kind of.

Sometimes. I was there two years ago. It'll come out, lad. Don't you worry. Yeah, it used to be a lot more sensitive. If we brought anything up between you and Celica, you'd be like, I mean, I'm still playing a...

No, we just hold hands and do the washing together. I hate getting slapped. Like, it annoys me. And it'll tear me off. Right. Really? Yeah. Even a little, like, booty, like...

Come on. Don't slap me ass. Why not? I don't mind that. When? The worst thing ever happened. I was with a I was with a girl

and she asked me to slap her and I you know I did like a sort of a medium one and she was like fucking slap me

so I did it and then she slapped me and I thought she'd burst me a drum I had ringing in my ears for like two weeks yeah why did she go for your ears

she flash banged you yeah but we're just like honestly one of my hands like jack. Like she went, fuck, top me. And I went, so I did. I did what she asked.

And then she just went, fuck off. Right on me here. And honestly, it was- It turns me off. I don't like getting hit. I like to hit. I'm like- I just don't like getting punched in.

What the fuck? No, I like to get physical and like slapping, grabbing shit. What are we talking about him shitting fuck? No, I like to get physical and slap and grab and shit. We're talking about him shitting himself. No one about slapping your ear off. Welcome to the show. Which fucking quarterback was this that was like, Andre the Giant, bit of a hanky spanky.

How big was she? Shadow boxer. She lands like shovels. I'll tell you this, she nearly knocked me out. I'm a fighting woman. I'm a fighting woman. Yeah, if you slap me in the face,

your neck's gone away. Get that out of my T-shirt. You slap me in the face, my willy's off the menu. Yeah, it is. Gone. Withered away. I have to be the controller, me. I'm off the menu. Yeah, it is. Gone. Whither do I? I have to be the controller, me.

I'm like with everything. I have to be in control. You know what I'm like. You're the boss. I'm the boss. Oof. You're big. Everyone's into bum play now, aren't they?

Why are you asking me? Even the streets. Lindsay, how old are you? You're about my age, aren't you? You may be young. 30, 37, 36. You're much younger. Everyone aren't you? You may be young. 37, 36. You're much younger. Everyone's into bum play now.

What do you mean, everybody? The new generation. Are they? Why? They're all truffling, schnuffling for truffles. Well, I've not seen that. They're truffling.

They're truffling for truffles. There's just men in every pub. They're like, fucking, it's my house all the way, man. Gaytown is full of dancing men. I mean, it is. Just a fact.

Yeah, but everyone loves a bit of bumhole play now. What's bumhole play? Like, kiss? Ladies, ladies into the men's bumholes. All of a sudden. No! sudden honestly things have changed he's clean as a whistle oh yeah yeah yeah yeah but this is a this is a new thing isn't it this wasn't back in the day yeah but listen if you were to oh if someone's oh no even if someone asked me i'd be like go and fucking swill it first minimum yeah there you go and even they don't want to inspect it before i go near it in school what are you doing with it just have a shower that's a salt based solution You didn't say have a shower

He's got a pipette Are you joking? He's got a swill If I was a woman And Adam asked me to go down to fucking Gruntown I'd get my pressure washer out There'd be a Karcher K4 minimum on that gooch A fucking bleach bath mate

Terrible Wouldn't you go down to Bumville now? Bumtown Why not? We've all got them Yeah but What's there? We've all got them. Yeah, but what's their... We've all got armpits and I don't want to lick yours. The thing is...

No, but I'm asking you to. Yeah, but we've all got arseholes and we all know arseholes and therefore because of my knowledge of my own arsehole, I wouldn't inflict my arsehole on anyone else's face. Oh, well, that's fair enough, isn't it? That's just me. That's just me.

That's just my opinion. Live, laugh, love. Live, laugh, love. Live, laugh, love. Leave my arsehole alone. I'll leave yours alone. We'll live in peace. No, you need to try it all. The gamut.

The what? The whole gamut of play. The bums in there. You can't leave the bum out. Do you also leave the bollocks? What is he talking about? The bollocks aren't doing as much work though are they in their day-to-day existence they're just there cupping i mean the bumblebee is doing a lot of fucking are you telling me i've got to lipsy someone's bum bum because they've like they've had a hard day. What do you mean? Shut up. I've had someone eat your sandwich at work. Get your arsehole out of.

I'll make things better. Mate, that is the worst time to do it as well. Oh, you've just done four hours overtime. Get them off. You've been sat on it. Festering, cooking.

Do you share toothbrushes? Do I? Do you share toothbrushes? Not purposely, but would you mind? No. I wouldn't because I get gum disease.

I wouldn't inflict it on somebody. Oh, right, okay. He's trying to find a reason for me to kiss a bumhole. I'm not going to give him one. You've got me. At some point, I must have, but I've no recollection. You've headbutted yourself in the middle. You must have kissed a bumhole.

That's what I mean. I must have accidentally gone aim for no recollection. You've headbutted yourself in the middle. You must have kissed a bumhole. That's what I mean. I must have accidentally gone, aimed for a knob and slid too far. If you lose a tooth that night, that is. I don't know how you're kissing bumholes, but you're doing it wrong. Fucking hell, I've lost a canine. I'm sorry, I haven't got me tooth.

A canine. It's there for you if you want it. A dog. Yes. Oh, yeah. What's happened? What's happened? There's a lull.

We've laughed so hard today that I think we've knackered ourselves out laughing. It's been a wild one, hasn't it? I genuinely feel like we need a little break. We need a little break. Let's go for it. A little break. I mean, Lindsay, I'm sure that's exactly what you wanted to talk

oh it's on par four of four oh nice oh yeah lovely nice are we ready to give some advice are we how are you advice lindsey shit but can give it out, but don't fucking listen to it. Yeah, that's me. That sounds right. I always know the right thing to do, but I don't do it. No, no, no. I tell people the wrong thing.

Well, your husband's not been doing this, did he not just kill him? There you are. Sort of. That's what we say as well. You're going to be good at this game. Two dogs just burst into the room as I was having a fight. Is that my bum owl should we do some advice

yeah I think she's dead good I think she's dead good I'm very good at giving advice not useful right this first one is from Amy

Lids quick dead Amy my sister's called Amy this could be her it could be her probably not let's see This first one is from Amy Lids. Quick, dead... Amy. Oh. My sister's called Amy. This could be her. It could be her. Probably not.

Let's see. Did you get on with your sister? I did. Dead quick bit of advice. My little lad keeps on biting all the other kids at nursery. He got sent home this week for chomping on a girl's ear while they were painting. Give me some advice with how to deal with him

as the nursery are reluctant to have him back. Feed him. He's obviously starving, isn't he? Get him some pigs ears from the vet. Yeah. So you think he's trying to eat the other children? You think he's like, oh, I'm starving. Did you have anyone at your school who used to bite people?

I've got a kid at Jack's nursery that's been a bit of a biter. Yeah. And it is a weird one. We try and be pretty chilled out parents, used to bite people i've got a kid at the jack's nursery that's been a bit of a biter yeah and it's it is a it is a weird one we try and be pretty chilled out parents but yeah when your kid comes on with teeth marks there it feels like you've passed the line but it yeah i don't think it's because the kid was like fuck that little two-year-old if he's boy he's got a talent trying him up to murder Everything's murder for me. I think he's clearly got a, if that's what he wants to do,

you should encourage him and nurture his talents at biting things. He could be good at ripping cellotype. And what else do you buy? He could work for the police. Yeah. Biting people. Yeah, instead of a dog, just have a little fucking toddler.

Yeah. Because they're not expecting it. No. I got in trouble in little school for like fighting. Yeah. Biting people. Yeah. Instead of a dog, just have a little fucking toddler because they're not expecting it. I got in trouble in little school for like fighting. Yeah. Just being scared. Do you know what I mean? Too many knockouts,

isn't it? I was like, mum. Yeah. Stop. How many, how many knockouts is too many for reception?

I did get, I did knock a kid out in reception. I knocked him down. He didn't get back up. It was a 10-8. It was a 10-8. It was a 10-8, wasn't it? The ref stopped it. Pulled him off.

Dan, I always thought this. Do you know if someone hurt another kid, how do you stop yourself just kicking the kid in the chin? Have you got that in you? Because obviously you've been quite open about the fact that your child is a bit of a gobshite so would you understand if another kid punched your kid are you like do you know what she was probably being a cunt or are you like i'm gonna go and

kill the other kid well i've got my child my child mind i often there's a few times where i've gone to pick her up and my child mind has gone oh um god you know i say it with the kids' names. Marjorie's bit man. Baby Marjorie. She's a trouble check. Baby Marjorie and baby man. Marjorie's bit man. It sounds like it's taking place in a Modison's cafe. Marjorie's sucking a chunk out of mine. Chunk out of mine.

I'll have to fill in an incident report because May's been bitten, but my childminder will normally follow that up with because May was poking her continuously in the eye. So Marjorie bit May. They do, they make you sign a little form. Yeah. So you can't sue them. Yeah.

Before or after the fact? Well, they don't know that they're doing it. This kid's about to get a little form. Yeah. So you can't sue them. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? You forward it after the fact. Well, I don't know how they're going to do it. This kid's about to get a black eye. Sign here. Fuck off. Hey, you can do nothing. You sign the fucking form.

You knew what was coming. Got loads of them forms. When you go paintballing, you get your head blown off. You can't blame us. What? They're nursing him like, listen, if your kid comes home dead. It's called Baldwin's Law. That's the correlation. I love this. You can't blame us. What? They're nursing him like, listen, if you're okay, come home dead. It's called Baldwin's Law. That's the correlation.

I love this. Very nice. Mate, you've really fucked up at paintballing. If your head's been clean, blown off. I'm a massive Jew looks can in a fucking bazooka.

Fucking hell. Mate, that's five litres of emulsion. It's white and blue paint, that. No, but I'm saying, doulsion. It's white and blue paint, that. No, but I'm saying, if someone ate Wallace, do you have another dog that ate Wallace?

I'd break its owner's legs. Carl, you're so full of shit with all this stuff. You're the biggest maggot I know. If someone ate Wallace, I'd see red and fucking, I'd really go mad. I wouldn't even sign the incident form. It's gone from murder to broken legs to I'll be fuming.

Honestly, I won't even finish my tea. I don't know how you get past that anger of you've hurt my child. No matter how old the kid is, you little prick. It's the intent, isn't it? When they're little, because she's only little matter how old the kid is you little prick it's the intent when they're little because she's only little you know the other kids

not doing it on purpose I think when she gets older you know when you get like proper bullies and things I think that's when I'll go fucking mad yeah like high school

what are you going to do would you go would you speak to the girl like fucking pack it in or would you go to the parents go to the parents step far to the house go to the girl

kick her clean in the fudge. You want me to do any of your readings any time soon? Fudge? I haven't had fudge for so long. Get it back. Fudge is such a good funny word. Fudge.

Right in the fudge. Get your fudge. I probably won't do that. And it's F in it. It's not even V-A-J. It's F-A-J, isn't it? Do you know what I'll probably do? I'll probably just see red.

I think that's what I'll do. I'll just see red. Get really mad. No, I'd be horrible to the kids, me. I'm not having anybody yet. I haven't even met my dog yet. But like, I already can feel what you're saying. You'll die for them?

Yeah. What? Can I see the picture of him? Can I see the picture of him? What's up? I will kick someone clean in the fudge. I love him already. Someone is getting hurt because of this dog.

I don't know who. Imagine you came home and someone like Jack, shaved Jack's eye, but I'm off.. Someone is getting hurt because of this dog. I don't know who. Imagine you came home and someone shaved Jack's eye, but I'm off. What would you do? I'd be like, how does the stag do that? No, you'd be like, who's this little prick? And Jack's like, what? What?

What? What? What? What? What? I probably think it was Etta first, and then it would probably be my fault in the end for leaving Manscaped products around the house. And I am not messing.

Manscaped has sponsored us for, what, three years now? And I have four different types of Manscaped, and they're in different places in my bedroom, charged up. There is constant, like, Dan, you can't leave that there. So kids getting their eyebrows shaved off it's it's a there's a chance it happens in my house and it will be my fault etta would be able to use it because of the skin safe technology and you can it doesn't snag the bag exactly yeah good nice save there is it just is it a pubeshaver yeah if you use code word 20

oh my god and free shipping worldwide The beard one's the one. What's it called? The hedge trimmer. Oh, it's unbelievable. But it would... What did it do, mate? A kid's eyebrow, gone. Are you...

What, for your fudge? Yeah. Oh, unbelievable. The lawnmower 4.0. Hang on, let me just suck this corporate cock. I don't know what you're... It really is a fact of technology. And there's a little light on it as well,

so you can be like... But it would take a child's eyebrow off like that. Eyebrow. Eyebrow. Oh, here we go. My issue is I've got quite a fat fanny, so it's really hard to get over the mound. Yeah, put that down, Carl.

We've done something else here. You've got a fat fanny. Yeah, massive. Have you got a plump pum-pum? When you say fast, do you mean like... Not the lips, not the hole. The hole's very taut. It could win Ninja Warrior.

I mean like the mound. The mound on it. Oh, you've got a... You've got a muscular fat fanny. I've got an overzealous muff. It's not muscular. No, innards, yeah, I suppose. Like the lip, the top bit.

This bit, yeah. The mons. The mons pubis. The belly goes in, the fanny comes out underneath so it's like it's got chunk to it but it's got a grip as well

yeah I suppose so like an offensive lineman in here it's like a fucking plunger it does look like a plunger if you took the handle off it could call Travis Kelsey sorry anyway do you think that would work on my moth It looked like a plunger if you took the handle off it. Could call Travis Kelsey.

Sorry. Anyway, do you think that would work on my muff? Do you want it? 100%. Can I have it? It sounds like it'd run out of battery before you do. Can you do the bum? I have got a hairy bum. That is a bum hole shaver.

You know the little hairs you get coming out of your arsehole? That gets them. Did it catch you? Yeah, but I'm scared of you. I'm not going to hurt you. Yeah, but if I hit you back, you'll fucking have me. Oh my God, that was nice.

Oh, good hands. I know. I should have been a catcher person. But you didn't know how to apply for the job. And then you just like... It does your bum all. It's like a pen. This is going to take me fucking hours.

Why? Because your fanny's massive. It should be your bum all. That's not for your fanny. Oh, I don't want... I could bum all. I don't see it? That's not for your fanny. Oh, I don't want a bum hole. I don't see it. It's not my problem.

Whose is it? That's for your muff. That's for my muff. This is for me. Can I have this? You can, yeah. Yeah, I think. Can I really?

Yeah, and the one that's for your arsehole. Try it on your nose first. And get the order right. I've got some bald toner. Do you want that? Some of these old bald... It might do something. I don't know. It's just bronzer

for your bollocks. It looks like your bollocks. Is it here? It's like your bollocks have been to Ibiza without you. It's vegan. Deontay Wilder. Bronze bollocks. Bronze bollocks.

Bronze bollocks. I'll use it. Don't let an hour get on. The reason that's such a popular product is, I don't know whether you know this, but in the men's grooming game, obviously it's very common and popular now for men to have a tan or try and get tans.

Is this an advert? No, but I mean, you know, this stuff sells itself. No one needs milky bollocks. Yeah. There's no point looking like you've been on holiday, but then your cock's fucking like a... Alabaster. Kid's book.

Somebody's been bullied. No one needs anemic testes. Get your bronze bollocks. Is it really? Is it bull bronzer? No, it's not. It's like black swan. It's a toner.

Yeah, it's a toner. Adds tone to your bollocks. So what we're saying is, your kid's a biter, shave its bollocks. Is that what you're saying? I think it's... I think just... Honestly, I know this...

You know in rugby, they've got a little mouth guard? Yeah. Just take the kid and put it in. Like a little fucking... Here you go. Gum shield. Yeah, a little gum mouth guard yeah yeah just take the kid and put it in let a little fucking here you go gum shield yeah a little gum shield why not you can't look more scary you can't take it like in a what's it the science of the lamb's mask just yeah just say stop biting kids lad yeah yeah oh yeah good advice let us know how that goes amy um mouth guard i think mouth guards the way yeah right

okay we've got another one this one's a longer one this is from louise afternoon fuckos uh this one goes out for an acne adam i'm currently dating after two long-term relationships spanning 14 years this was a six year and an eight year i've been single now for about 10 10 months and i need an opinion on something that is troubling me i have a condition called vaginismus if you don't know what that is i call it the penis fly trap and it's where basically the muscles in your vagina stops anything from penetrating this condition is psychological and treatable which i have been doing but unfortunately not enough to take a dick just yet. She just sounds like a medical lesbian. This obviously affects

my dating life as most guys I meet assume I can fuck. A fudge packer. Sorry. Illegal alien. Most guys I meet assume I can fuck

and as I'm cursed with a high sex drive it is difficult to not accept the advances of guys who are interested. Oh, that is terrible. Horny Anne with vaginismus. I have managed to successfully date short term. Horny Anne with vaginismus. I have managed to successfully date short term.

Horny Anne with vaginismus is a spell, and that is a fact. I've cursed you forever. Horny Anne with vaginismus. That is awful. Dying for the day, you just can't play. I have managed to successfully date short term. It's given 14 years of blowjobs.

You can imagine I have a few other tricks up my sleeve. But as a 28 year old... You sound wonderful. Long turn of phrase for vaginismus. As a 28 year old,

it's difficult to tell men that I'm still a virgin and then explain the situation and having them realise they won't be getting a shag anytime soon. I'd like some advice on when,

how to approach this with potential guys. Though I just give up on dating until my issue is sorted. What's she called? Louise. Louise. Louise.

I'll take this one from here. You need to date this smaller dick gentleman. No, you don't know what I've had an isthmus his life. You don't know what my dick's like. I do. Maybe I'm small enough. I'm telling you what she needs to do if she wants to have penises of sex.

She's got to lube up an arsehole. Get bummed, yeah. Yeah, but where do you go from there? I mean, that's the end of the relationship. But she might have bumhole mismas. Lube up your arsehole and get yourself a bullet so that when you're getting bummed,

you can have a go at your clit. She might have bumhole mismas, though. She might. No, but the arsehole can do magical things, Carlit. She might have bumhole mismissed though. She might. No, but the asshole can do magical things, can't he? If she's got bumhole mismissed. The asshole can stretch to fit almost anything in or out of it.

JML. It's a well known fact. He's been told that. What's happening? What? Let me do it in South Bermuda. She's got a right tight fanny. Oh, I know the tight fanny bit. It's unbelievably tight.

But it is. Oh, yeah. She can't get anything in. She can't get, like, a digit in. Well, first of all, she needs to sort herself out, doesn't she? She needs to get some help. And then, I don't know, do they have, like, weight training for your fanny or something? Oh, yeah, Kegel stretchers.

Well, it's already tight, isn't it? Opposite. Maybe she needs to take a fanny to a spa day what do you think it's literally just too uptight no so my friend had something similar I can't take a dip and it's almost like

the muscles of your fanny are so tight that you physically cannot get anything in it at all is it mental or physical mental for her so she's after a while she kind of um she she managed to just overcome it is it like does it know it's coming and do it like can you surprise essentially yeah hey carl i know you've worded it differently

but surprising a fanny is traditionally not a good idea legally morally please don't surprise a fanny like with a dog and you've got a treat no no wait no I'm not

no I'm not giving you it no no I'm not giving you it no and then it relaxes and you go hey what dog's this what dog's this

hey you're too uptight ah no you've relaxed the dog's like treat me no but I mean is that what it is he goes oh no or is it always like that

from what I can remember I think hers was it was like oh it took a lot to um to get it loose like

it just like apparently I've only heard rumours but it just I love this I love Adam talking about

fannies I love his talk love Adam talking about fannies because just before you were like I know medically and I've been told this first hand

by several professionals that the arsehole can take all sorts you know a Ford Cortina if you try hard enough everything can go up there and this is what I know

about vaginismus your arsehole will stretch for most things you know genuinely genuinely that's how like we had Rebecca Goodwin and she can put Try hard enough, everything can go up there. And this is what I know about vaginismus, Dan. Your arsehole will stretch for most things, you know. Genuinely. Right, right. Genuinely, that's how, like, we had Rebecca Goodwin,

and she can put fucking mondales up her arsehole, and I can't cheat. And it's because, like, if you train it, you can do it. If you train it, I love that. She bends over in the M6. She only does Fords. My arsehole is sponsored by Ford. America's choice.

But apparently it's, with vaginismus, it's all about like making the vagina feel comfortable. That's what I mean. So you have to like woo the vagina as well. Yeah, this is what I'm saying. No, lull it, you lull it. You're all right, girl. How are we?

Hey! Don't, you need to go, how are, like, oops, isnull it, you lull it. You're all right, girl. How are we? Hey! Don't. You need to go, how are... Yeah. Sing to her. Yeah. But if she's been in a relationship... I've been really trying, baby.

Trying to loosen up that pussy for so long. Fannies are like cress. You are the sexiest little pussy plant I have ever seen. We've got some lovely jokes about you in the WhatsApp. You're a lovely little fanny. Just woo it. The dove from above. I mean, that's all foreplay,

but I think vaginismus is more of a... I think you're right. It's a medical condition spa weekend. A couple of fags. A couple of bit of... Come on. On the pot. Bit of whacking back, Finn.

Yeah, I think this is the perfect time for that. Oh, Louise, get on there. I feel like all these things might turn the girl off, though. Got to the doctors. Let me try. Put a joint in it, Fanny. Put a joint in it. Gonna go to 4MEO.

I'm gonna blast that, love. I think you've misunderstood how the weed was meant to be imbibed here mate I'll give you a blow back have a go on that no it's good shit yeah get it from Columbia what?

Colombian weed wow you're going to work for that shit it's probably better than ours, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, dear. If I was your pot man, right? And you came to me and was like,

what pot have you got this week? And I was like, I've got some stuff from Colombian and some from by ours. It's like a fucking filter coffee in a fancy espresso place, isn't it? You're going for the Colombian one. Yeah.

What price on the Colombian that's had to be shipped up some Uruguayan nana's butthole? Come on. A little bit more. The one round ours, that's 10 quid a grab. This one, 490. But it's worth it.

It's that good Colombian weed. And you also get a free Americano. We can't help you. I can. Edibles. Edibles. Light a candle. Chill out.

Sorry. Let us know how it goes again. Yeah, let us know. Let us know. Get someone to sing and see what happens. Put a gun shield in. We've got a confession. Have we?

Jolly good. People tell us the worst things they've done and we give them penance like a priest would. Like a modern day Catholic church. That's just a confession. As always, these are anonymous. Have a word pod at gmail.com if you want to get your confessions in.

Alright lads, here's an anonymous confession for you years ago when i left uni i got my first proper marketing job at a food manufacturers my job was mainly as a market researcher and as part of that i get sent loads of samples at the time i was slagging it away on tinder i'd got myself a clean bill of health from the clap clinic and they let me fill a bag full of johnnies and sachets of water-based lube that came in little silver pouches around this time uh i was oh one minute sorry uh around this time i was shagging this sort we'd gone through all of your run-of-the-mill sex and one week she says i want to try anal belter visit to asphal population this guy this is a dirty episode i get to her gaff we immediately get down to it proper naughty missionary and all that we switch the doggy and she goes did you remember the lube she hits the lights i reach into my work bag and grab a sachet tear open said sachet and it was

oh i'm stuck in it now call me an ambulance go on so the chuckle vision squeeze it into my hand and all over her ass and on her bum wholly. I'm about to go all in when she goes, can you smell food? Playing poker as well. Hang on. All in. Move them chips there wait I'll have to go all in

when she goes can you smell food yeah I can is your housemate cooking smells spicy I thought what sort of lube is this my ass is burning my asshole feels like it's on fire and

starts screaming she puts the lights back on her ass is covered in a reddish brown pasty mixture sheets are fucked i look at the sachet it's some new curry soup sample it's who had sent me i turned her around white peachy bum bum into a white girl rendang with extra spice. She runs to the shower. What was that sentence he attempted? White girl, peachy bum bum and a rendang. Ma, you got to eat two bits in your butthole. Me was going for the water-based

lubricant. Me sauce you up like a katsu curry. She runs into the shower half crying or moaning about the pain. In fairness, I had put a tester finger in too, so she's burning inside and out. Oh, God.

A thorough marinating. Anyway, it ruined the vibe. Didn't get to go. It ruined the vibe, didn't it? This woman's got curry up her asshole. I ruined the night. Oh, you're joking! Safe to say, she went up for it.

She had sriracha all in her batty crack and she wasn't game for her bang. Curry up your arsehole, boo! It ruined the mood! Oh no! Hello lads, just to let yous know I was shagging this beard in Tower 2 during 9-11 and after

that second plane it's really blue in the mood, we could not finish. It took me enough convincing to get a keep going after Tower what? Fucking don't worry about that, we're not even in that building, carry on. Lightning never stays twice. This is such a churl vision, you man. This is the lubeurl vision I used Coley powder Anyway

It ruined the vibe I didn't get to go Into bum town And we never saw Each other again Do I need penance To be fair I have done a

Similar Tenuously similar But different thing before When I I wiped my ass With an antibacterial Wipe At my flat in Edinburgh Remember that You were there I wasn't in the room similar but different thing before when i uh i wiped my ass with an antibacterial wipe let me flat in edinburgh oh god i wasn't in the room you two are close he's always there to give you good

advice that ass needs wiping come on you listen to me no was it what was it like a dental one yeah they are clutch thingy yeah i know somebody an a friend who used the Ylang Ylang lube. I'm sorry. Oh, wow. Ylang Ylang. When did he meet him? Why was he borrowing the stuff? So it wasn't an edible lube,

but they used it in an edible sense. It was awful, apparently. What's Ylang Ylang? It's like a floral flavour, I think. Oh, right. God bless. I once was cutting chillies in the kitchen and then had to change a tampon

and didn't wash my hands in between so that was a laugh sat in the bath with four litres of milk on me fudge that was nice did you go dairy straight off? remember that? that was awful I thought that worked if you'd swallowed chillies

not if you put them in your biff thank you Dr Griegler hang on there's no way if you get chilli paste up your bum bum It equalises the spice, doesn't it? Thank you, Dr. Griegler. Hang on. There's no way if you get chilli paste up your pom-pom that you're supposed to put a gallon of milk on it. Do we? I won't. You will?

I haven't got a pom-pom. You do that, I'll lick a bum, I will see how we get it out. What a deal that is. A gentleman's agreement. So you were sat in the bath with like a couple of inches of milk. Yeah. How did you have so much milk in yours? I always buy a big milk.

I always have a big gin of a big milk. Just in case you put chillies on you. I love a big milk. I love it. All the shit that's been said, that annoyed you the most. I can pack the fuck off. I've got loads of milk.

I'm doing well. People that have them tiny milks make me mad. They do my head in there. What are you planning for? You're planning to run away? That does my head in. You don't need to go away. The thin one.

The little half pie. That does my head in there. I only buy lacto-free milk now, and it's not because I want the lacto-free, it's because it lasts like a month. And like, I live on my own, so. Cravendale lasts a month. Yeah, but Arla. Ar the lacto-free. It's because it lasts like a month. Cravendale does? Cravendale lasts a month? Yeah, but Arla. Arla lacto-free tastes amazing.

And I don't like supporting the industry. Of course. Yeah, big cows. He's propping up big cows, isn't he? Cravendale's not really milk, is it? It is. It's not because the cows want it back. Is it not real milk? What fucking milk is it? It is. It's pasteurised, isn't it? No, Cravendale's not even the cows want it back. Is it that real milk? What fucking milk is it? It is.

It's pasteurised, isn't it? It's a normal pasteurised. It's not even pasteurised. It's like milk liqueur. You know, like when you get a whiskey liqueur, but it's not actually technically whiskey. It's the Drambuie of the dairy world. But it lasts like three weeks.

Cravendale, yeah? I just got lacto-free milk. It's also healthier. But you get them tin milks. Nah. The big ones, I don't trust them either. What are you doing?

You're not getting in the bath. The eight litres. You get a four-pinter. I'm a four-pinter. You don't want a two or a six. No. You're four. It's four or nothing.

To be fair, if I didn't live alone, I would be a four-pinter man. The six-pinters are, like, you do need a lot of milk sometimes. They're just too inconvenient to carry. Yeah, they are.

You can't equalise, like, your shopping bags when you've got six pints of milk. But I'd wish I'd had that milk when my fanny was on fire. Because, you're right, I didn't have quite... I had to keep wafting it up, splashing it in. How long did it take to work? It didn't work. I was just sat in the fucking bath,

splashing milk into my fanny, all going... How did you get the milk back in the bottle? That's the next one. I just kind of sucked it up and laid it out again. You know how it is. How long did this thing last? I don't remember,

but it was a long time. Yeah, not nice. Done it with albisoyl as well and tiger balm. Got it up my fanny. You've not learned? No, I just don't, I don't know.

I don't know. Just always stingy fanny nine times out of ten. How could you ever? Feasibly. I understand the cherry one. I don't wash. I don't know. Just always stinky fanny. Nine times out of ten. How could you ever feasibly? I understand the chilly one. I don't wash my hands. Okay. There you go.

Cut to the quick on that one. What was the last one? Tiger blood? Tiger barb. Tiger blood? Ow, what? Fucking hell. Oh, my God.

I've got chilly in me fanny again. Give me tiger blood. You all right, lads? Here's a baby. Will you bring us home some milk? I've got tiger blood all over me fanny. I'm just in the bath. Yeah, the bathroom door's unlocked.

Just come in. Tiger blood? Is that being you fanny? Tiger balm. Oh, man. I thought you meant like a bar of a bit. What the fuck's tiger balm? Oh, I've had a terrible mistake.

You've seen tiger balm before. A full of tiger blood. It's a tingly balm. What's balm before. It's a tingly balm. What's tiger balm? It's a tingly balm. It's for like your muscles that ache and stuff. Oh, like deep heat? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd say deep heat. Tiger bread? It's not the... Tiger blood? If so, I've got a lovely tiger balm with ham on there, Black Gizaby. No one's ever said tiger balm in the history of... I know, but I thought she was being odd. Right. That's not what she was being awesome. Right.

Tiger blood. Tiger Balm, Tiger Balm, Tiger Bread. Fancy some bread? Can you eat bread? Can I eat bread? Yeah. Yeah. I haven't been minding many talents.

No, but like some people with IBS can't have... Oh, I mean, I probably shouldn't. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I probably shouldn't have a lot of things, but I still do. Like, I'm a Guinness drinker, and the day after I've had a session on the Guinness, it's, you know, like the Battle of the Somme. Tiger blood everywhere.

Tiger blood all over. What's his dad's penance, then, for getting hot sauce on the arse? I think he's got to do hot sauce on his own arse as penance. It's an eye for an eye. No milk. Yeah, no milk. And he's's got to do hot sauce on his own arse. Yeah. As penance. It's an eye for an eye. No milk. Yeah, no milk.

And he's also got to put a bit of sriracha down his... Winky hole. Oh, dear. Oh, that's sick. Oh, fucking hell. Oh, yeah, I couldn't. Come on. Right, okay.

Should we do Have a Word? Oh, my God. Old school. I love it when we whip out Have a word. Oh my God, old school. I love it when we whip out have a word. Are we really? Are we giving Manscaped? I don't know what it is. I don't have to. I don't know what it is.

Honestly, Lindsay, they're great for biffs. Use code word 20. Great for biffs. Sort your Mars biff out for for christmas right this one is from rowan abraham uh have a word for you please have a word with my mate who blocked his toilet at home didn't have a plunger so proceeded to get a knife from the block in the kitchen and chop it up until flushed worst part is he bleached the knife and then put it back in the block. That's fine. He's bleached

the knife. It's clean when you go off the block. Yeah, you're right. If you bleach anything non-porous, it's fair game. That is a non-pain meal membrane. Non-porous again. You just equalise it. What are you talking about?

If you chop up a plop, the knife's in the bin. You pissed at a sneak bottle and washed it and used it again? Ah. Not today. He brings a past fax, doesn't he? Nonporous. I didn't even bleach it, I just cleaned it out a bit.

Oh, God. Like a knife is literally nonporous. Metal, like wipes cleaned on. like wipes cleaned hang on it's no one else drinks sneak I was hammered at the Cinco de Mayo lock-in which was one of our best ones that is mine to piss in

and then clean out, that's on me if you're in a shared house family or fucking housemates and you use a knife to cut up a plop, you need to go and buy a new knife am i mental yeah i think i think you're a man who's started to do quite well in life and you're getting frivolous with your money we can't all just be buying new knives every five minutes flexing your knife abilities by him ridiculous people starving in africa

i'd love to know how much cutlery he's got in his hand. If you do a big shit and it gets stuck, this is what my advice from my nan, I think it was, just fill up a big bucket of water. And throw it at it? And throw it on it. Yeah. And flush at the same time,

and the force of the bucket and the flush will take your poo far away from you. Goodbye. Your nan sounds mad. Lindsay, far away from you. Goodbye. Sean, Nan sounds mad. Lindsay, let me tell you a story about a little poo who went far, far away. Well, there's just been many incidents with me where I've had a shit stuck.

So I just was like, I don't know what to do. Nan comes, come here. It's a family tradition. Come here and tell you what to do. Is it milk? In our research for this episode um we found out that uh you once left the shit in a hotel by accident and then brennan was in the room yeah so you know brennan's a gossip i didn't want him to know but then i told everybody

um we were um i was doing some tour support and i was doing the first night brennan was doing the second night and um so we just had the same hotel room and I was doing the first night. Brennan was doing the second night. And so we had the same hotel room. And on the night, the morning after I checked out, I left. And I went, oh, fuck, I think I've left a shit in the toilet. And I know they weren't going to clean it before Brennan went in. So I rang the hotel. And I just went, I just told him, I said, I've left a shit in the toilet. Can you go and flush it for me?

Yeah, I know. I just told him, I said, I've left a shit in the toilet. Can you go and flush it for me? Yeah, I'll let you. And they were like, because it was quite a posh hotel, they were like, we'll accommodate your request, madam. Yeah, and I thought, because I didn't want Brendan to walk in and see my shit. Oh, so it wasn't there?

Huh? Oh, you thought it was still there? Why would I leave it there? But you did leave it there. Oh, I did, but not on purpose. How did you forget to flush your shit? Because it was all in them chains. I must have stood up and then got distracted and gone off.

Do you wipe your arse? Sometimes. Sometimes. Because I always wipe my arse. But from then onwards, who knows? Does she wash her hands? as she flushed the toilet did she put her pants back on it's a sure way of being like a mysterious woman no mystery do i wash my hands do i wipe my ass because i'm lucky you'll find i just didn't want

brendan following my poo and then telling him taking a picture of my poo and sending it everyone because i feel like that's something he would do. So what you've done is instead of that happening you've gone on this podcast and just told everyone. Well I think it's damage limitation in a way.

Admit to it. You control the narrative. I control my own story of my own shit. What can he do with this lad then? I think this lad needs to buy a new cutlery

for the house as penance. He's bleached it. It couldn't be more clean possibly. It's now cleaner than before he was chopping up shite with it. Yeah, yeah. Telling you right now, everyone here, there is cutlery in this office that we use as a studio.

If anyone uses any bit of cutlery to chop up a plop, please, for me, bin it. No, I'm not wasting cutlery. No? Dan, no? If it's plaster, yeah, because that's slightly porous. Do you ever just throw cutlery in the bin when you can't be arsed to wash up?

He throws anything in the bin. I don't. I don't even know if he uses bins. He should throw his plates in the bin and buy new ones. I have done that twice, ever. But they're like two isolated incidents from a long time ago. So you do that,

but then again, you wouldn't, you'd cut up a shit with a knife and keep that. Lindsay, what you're going to have to do is just accept the fact that I'm remarkably inconsistent

with my advice. Fair, fair. Okay. Would you have used the bread knife? What? The bread knife's the best one, isn't it? Well, I suppose if you want to get into the water

without actually touching it yourself. I think the whole thing is deplorable and i would have used any other item your hands would you punch it down i'm a shitty man i just push it around the u-bend oh my hands never going in that water even if it's my plot open the cutlery drawer what are you going for what's your weapon i'm not even in the water. Even if it's my plot. Open the cutlery drawer. What are you going for? What's your weapon choice? I'm not even in the kitchen. I look around the bathroom. I will use, you know the toilet brush?

I will use the other end of the toilet brush. Daddy, what? And then bin the toilet brush. No! That's wasted the night. So what? What are you holding? What are you holding to get the other end?

Are you holding the brush end? No. Then how are you doing it? I would try anything else before I went downstairs. Ah, you hadn't thought your toilet brush thing through there, had you? No, not really. I'd just punch it up. You could use your manscaped.

Anything to hand. What about your foot? Would you use your foot if you had a welly on? No, I'm not kicking a plop. Your own plop? No. I think I'd happily use it. Someone said I've bleached it. I'd be like, that's 99.9% of all

bacteria. That 0.1% is a worry to me. There's more on your cutlery right now than our own. Do you know that for cutlery every day? That knife is now cleaner than anything you own. Anything. Right. Do you know we are washing the other cutleries? Yeah, but not in bleach. Bleach cleans it more than your you own. Anything. Right. Do you know we are washing the other cutlery?

Yeah, but not in bleach. Not in bleach. Bleach cleans it more than your fairy liquid. Right. So if I was to cut up a shite with your knife, here's what I'd do, right? I'm fairy liquiding it with boiling water. Nice. And then fairy liquiding it again with boiling water. I'm bleaching it boiling water. I'm fairy liquid

boiling water and done. Adam, have you met yourself? Does any of that sound like shit you would ever do? You'd be like, leave it in the bath and go home. That's nasty. I'm dealing with that. Two seconds. You'd be gone.

It's straight falling out of my head. The slang that I get on this show. Yeah, but bleach it? Nope. nope in my opinion this is adam obviously i can add them but for me you're fine so he's in the clear lid all right on side let me know right we've got one in the comments one more have a word to round us off this is from ryan colwell wag wag lids please have a word with my housemate adam i asked him if he wanted tea the other day and he asked for it specifically in a strap how do you say that pint strata prop star star a prime one of them pint glass that he robbed from the boozer what's the one in that tea tea surely drinking a pint of tea out of a pint glass has to be the biggest nonce behaviour going.

Have a word. It's not a chalice. No, a star of promenade. Is that how you thought it was? Along with the fat on the top? No, I think a star of promenade. Is it a jar? A tankard, yeah. Oh, that's not the end of the world then.

I hate drinking tea or any hot drink out of glass. This is non-behaviour. This is old women behaviour. Oh, you want a cup of tea? I don't want a cup of tea or any hot drink out of glass. This is nan behaviour, this is old women behaviour. Oh, you want a cup of tea, dear? I've got a little glass with me. I'm here. I can shove it up your arse, love. Was she a prospector? Oh, love, I've got a cup of tea.

It is old people stuff, don't it? I don't think you should be able to see the side of your tea when you're drinking it. Wow, that's so true. That is a sentence I've never heard, but I've now believed my whole life. I only want to see,

I like the mystery of where's the sugar? Is it dissolved? Is it sat at the bottom? Who knows? Have I washed my hands? Have I washed my hands? Is this spoon

been used to poke a shit? Is there any shies on my head? Who knows? I don't fucking know, do I? But a pint glass, it is a bit odd. But I suppose if it's got a handle, it's not the worst.

Like a Peroni glass, you're a madman. Mate, no, it's... If you're getting a cup of mate for you, you can't be specifying what receptacle... Whoa, yes, you can. You can.

In the house. The star of Peroni. Do you not have your own mug at home? I don't even drink fucking... Oh, yeah. Yeah, so you're the fucking weirdo. You don't drink hot drinks. You've got your own mug. What? You've got your own mug in the house. I've got best fucking soda. Yeah, so you're the fucking weirdo. You don't drink hot drinks. You've got your own mug.

What? You've got your own mug in the house. I've got best mugs. Yeah, you've got like your ones and you fancy using different ones at different times. I've got a Slytherin one, because I'm a Slytherin, obvs. I've got a Vanderbilt University one.

Go find it. I've got a couple and every now and then I open me a tea mug cupboard and I have a little like, I wonder which. And if like I've me a tea mug cupboard. And I have a little like, I wonder which. And if I've got a guest over, I have comics stay with me quite a bit when they're doing shows for me or open on tour. If it's their round and they're like,

shall I make a cup of tea? Absolutely. But I will specify what mug I'm in the mood for. I'll go Vandy. And you say not in a glass receptacle, of course. That's odd, isn't it? Yeah. If I was in mine

and Alfie was round and he goes, can I have a cup of tea? But do us a favour, do it in a pint glass you've got. Like, I've got a Butterbeer one

from Harry Potter World. If he was like, can I have it on that? I'd be like, no, and get out. It's likely to crack as well. That's true, isn't it? Because the glass

will crack with the heat. So it's time to keep doing it because eventually you'll get scolded and die and die don't go around fire expecting not to get burnt you know what he's saying it is it is a bit non-sick it's a bit weird it's weird it is weird yeah all right you call that a pod is everything all right finn yeah all right i think so I don't like it. All right. Yeah. Call that a pod? Is everything all right, Finn? Yeah. All right.

I think so. I don't think he really enjoyed talking about his sexual proclivities. I think he's there. Oh, we apologize. He's a private man.

A private man. No, I think he played it on the fairway. Yeah, but he didn't go into many details, you know.

He's been on two dates and he's in love and it happens. You know what I mean? And he told us that off camera, but it's fine. It's fine.

Lindsay. What? Thanks very much for coming in oh I think I've gone deaf today but yeah great where can we find you Lindsay? what do you mean on the internet? ideally yeah google me I'm not your fucking mum lovely self promotion

I'm not very good at it if you can catch lindsay live you should absolutely do it we did a dan's comedy club in chester together a while back absolutely smashed it it's been a long time coming getting her on the couch you're back on you're back at mine in chester at the comedians club chester on march the 9th we hope because i'm not very good whenever i have to book someone facebook i know things have gone weird. Don't do it, man. Just not very organised. A bit shit, really. Yeah.

But you're fucking funny, so you make up for it. Yeah. Thanks, man. That's really nice of you to say. You're an amazing comic. Thanks, babe.

Dan's on tour. DanNightingale.com for tickets. There can't be many dates that you've got with... This week, specifically, Sheffield on the 2nd of November, still tickets to sell.

Belfast on the 4th, Dublin on the 5th. And then there's only about 10 shows after that. The big one is Wednesday, the 22nd of November. There is about 60 or 70 tickets left for the Philharmonic. And oh my God, I'm getting shit faced afterwards.

And we're all aired as well, aren well aren't we oh it's going to be i'm getting pissed that night and i've also got to go to dublin the next day to do the talking bollocks live show in dublin you're very good hungover um so it's fine um i've got uh plenty of dates for tickets left adamrodoca.uk got some very very big uh tour news coming very soon, probably in the next week or two. Whoa. That is... Sorry, I'm joining in. Whoa, very good. As for me, this week, I hit London Thursday, two shows Friday and Saturday.

Sunday is Norwich. Norwich is sold out. The first two shows in London are sold out. The third show in London is on about 80, 90% now, so there's not many left for that. Busy boy. And the final show, the late show on the Friday, it's heading towards being full as well.

So we're going to have four sold-out shows, hopefully at Leicester Square Theatre, which is unbelievable. Finn, have you got, where's the tickets? Adamrow.co.uk. Finn, have you got a song for us, just on the audio? We do. Because YouTube are a bit jumpy about rights.

This is a Scouse band called Danger Dog, and this is their tune, What If We Get Sick Of Each Other. Let's go and check that out. Quality. Last night was tough I've been seeing everyone too much Been all the way round town Seeing her in her wedding gown Then one night we meet

But then I have to split You follow me down Guess I'll see you around town But it's hard to Give a shit So I'll see you the next day Just the same as any other day I've been walking round town

Seeing her in her wedding gown I try to calm you down Someone's chipped teeth laying on the ground Guess I'll see you the next day I'll waste the same as any other day But you make me wanna Give a shit So I can take back how I feel

And we can start another fucking way out of here I imagine seeing you every day Just over and over and over and over And we keep coming back again I wonder if I'll ever get to see you After today But I'm not going back there You asked me What if we get sick of each other

And I said We're already sick of each other It's the best