Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #250 with Marc Jennings - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 13, 2023

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Hello everyone, before we start today's amazing episode of Have a Word, we've got to quickly tell you about our tours. We're on tour! I'm on tour, Dan's on tour. Tickets for my tour, I'm going all over the UK, adamrow.co.uk. Tickets for his tour at dannightingale.com. A lot of these shows are sold out, some are being added in cities that aren't currently listed. Keep checking regularly on adamrow.co.uk and dann Nightingale dot com. And also, before we get to this week's public episode, we've got to tell you about our Patreon page, the biggest Patreon membership in the UK for a reason. Starting from just three quid a month, what do they get? Great value.

They get a Patreon exclusive every Wednesday, which is unfiltered, have a word bullshit. Just me, Adam and the boys. And it's the best podcasting we do. And then on top of that, the world famous have a word Patreon specials. Once best podcasting we do. And then on top of that, the world-famous Have A Word Patreon specials. Once a month, we do some fucking mental stuff. The classics, the lock-ins were amazing, weren't they?

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funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn, this is the one and only Have A Word, brought to you by Manscaped, the very best product on the market for below

the waist groomers. Go, Ed. Get on me. Nah. Well, if you're enjoying a single Adam, everyone else is as well. That's what I'll say. It's a lot more fun. We are coming off the back of a lockdown lock-in that we did last night that was pretty fucking spectacular. It's the lockdown lock-in that we did last night. That was pretty fucking spectacular.

It's the best lock-in we've ever done. In terms of mood. Some of those ones where we were in Runcorn and we were in the lockdowns. It was still COVID. They were amazing because we didn't have a social life. Like, it was brilliant. No, they, in the moment, felt more fun.

But this was the best lock-in. Harry and Finn smashed the prep so much. And it was a really good night's house afterwards as well they bought AIDS prep yeah there was a

there was a couple of characters that were in it that you won't be able to guess I forgot I was so drunk towards the end

no I think we should tell them. Okay, I'm going to say... No, we shouldn't. It's a reason to sign up, isn't it? This is a public episode. Do you know what? I think this is enough.

The fact that I'm saying no and the fact that yous want to say it should be enough. People are going to tweet about it. Once it goes out. Yeah, but until then... This is going to be out after Yeah, yeah. Once it goes out. Yeah, but until then. I was going to put them in the trailer. This is going to be out after this. After the lockdown.

It was out last night for the patrons. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. It's Ken Loach. Ken Loach isn't real. What?

Ken Loach isn't real? William Roach? Ken Loach directed I, Daniel Blake. And also, it does make cameos. Ken Barlow did Dan a cameo

and it was six minutes long and then Canu was in it Kanu the footballer was on the episode yesterday is he actually not dead? no I've told you

it wasn't the ghost of Nwankwo Kanu I've told you he's been dead for the last 15 years to be wished a happy 81st birthday by Ken Barlow

should we keep these balloons for when we at 520 yeah or or 502 yes

nice you wouldn't celebrate 502 it's such a weird number older fella in the shop yesterday went what does 502 mean and I thought he was joking and I went

it's it's 250 and he went right yeah genuinely yeah but I mean it's not. And he went, right, yeah. Genuinely. Yeah, but I mean, it's not the stupidest thing ever, is it? He just guessed a number combo.

I'll have any three. You're guessing 250, aren't you? What, you think your nan has lived to 250? No. He's like, God, you've got good genetics in your family. Maybe he thought it was 25. But you just wanted a zero in front of him? Yeah. Just to really make sure.

Any of the decimal points as well, please. You were very well behaved last night. You just went to bed. Yeah. I am right in the middle of the busiest bit of the tour. And I've got tour shows all week. And next week, I'm filming a special. It's going to cost me a chunk.

And I just thought, yeah. I thought maybe I'm going to have a massive night after the Philharmonic on Wednesday the 22nd. Yeah, I will as well. And I've saved up some of my fun tokens. I'm going to Dublin the next day, yeah. Fucking Dublin. Are you going to Dublin the next day?

I thought you were going to Cardiff, it got cancelled. No, Cardiff got cancelled, so I'm going to Dublin. You're going to Dublin? Dublin. Are you going to the show? It's just for the fucking crack. I'm going to do fucking bollocks live at the Dublin. Are you going to the show or just for the fucking for the crack? I'm going to do Talking Bollocks live at the National Stadium.

Dublin. The what? The National Stadium. Holy shit. Yeah, it's not as big as it sounds. Oh. It's like 6,000.

It's good. Yeah. Those boys are nailing it. I'm going to do Talking Bollocks live. Yeah. Plug me fucking Olympia show for January.

Mate, Dublin's where I'm going if Laura fucks off 2000 there you go 2000 national stadium

of what that what's the national sport that sounds wicked doesn't it yeah

they're doing Croke Park are they no but I'm doing the Olympia as part of my island run

so it you gotta sell those tickets boy sorry but what did you say Carl put a frog in my throat what did you say I said you went

straight to bed as well I did go straight to bed after I left yeah what time can we put a time on sleepy pops define time then I was so pissed

I didn't masturbate that's a that's a sign that I have booze in my system I was pissed as well. Yeah? Good. Definitely masturbated though. What time did you clock it?

I was in bed for half one. I've honestly got no idea. I left Teddy's and I walked home. He left Teddy's around... Via the taxi rank. Around like quarter past three. Just one more question. Quarter past three-ish. Okay, cool. So it's probably home

for half three, four. That's nice. Sometimes you're just like taking long walks, isn't it? Four. Adam lives in Otterspool, doesn't he? What?

Otterspool. Where? Otterspool. You're in Otterspool? Otterspool is the premier dog and site of Liverpool. It's by ours. It's on the front. So if you keep walking along the front. Otterspool? I mean, Otterspool? Otterspool is the premier dog inside of Liverpool. It's by us. It's on the front.

So if you keep walking on the front. Fucking hell. Otterspool. That's the shittest pool. Otterspool. So if you walk on... Oh! They've got a...

They've got a magical garden thing, haven't they? Otterspool's fantastic. Otterspool's got some sort of... There's an event yeah there you go yeah I took Rebecca

I took Rebecca and we made up Otterspool one right on the Otterspool just makes them at least you didn't take her in the beaver hole if you walk

so we were sat having a mac he's looking at the water and like two cars flashed us as if to go I don't give a fuck. Is there anything classier?

So we got our nuggets and got out of there, if you know what I mean. Full sex. Fucking hell. Is this dog and gaff dog? Is it? Like, it's a premier. Like, you go there.

If you go there... What makes a dog in... What makes it a premier dog inside? It's paid to go in. You've got a book. You've got a book and a bag. You've got a book. Yeah, it's like when you go to the airport paid to get in. You've got a book. You've got a book and a bag. You've got a book. Yeah, it's like when you go to the airport.

Yeah, yeah. You can get valet. Me and Seneca talk to the moon there. What? Me and Seneca talk to the moon in Otterspool. You mean Seneca talks to the moon and you humour her? I do it as well. They gave me two Everton Gold ones.

Oh my God, Carl. Right, any date night. Let's go in the bowl of dates oh talking to the moon in Otter's Pool you've got to do it no so when there's

a full moon Seneca's huge on astrology especially the moon she's a lunatic building wells in Africa oh god it's going to be a great Thursday night babe

and when it's a full moon you're meant to ask her for things you're meant to like manifest things so she's like let's go so I go

were we playing Doncaster was it Doncaster? Was it Doncaster? Everyone getting beat by in the cup. Yeah, yeah. We're getting beat 1-0. It was dark, obviously. The moon was out.

I mean, it was a cup game. And she's going, asking for things. And I went, we're getting beat 1-0. I went, can I just have a goal? Just one goal. And guess what happened? Bosh. Bosh. Everton score.

I was like, get in. It's fucking sounding. Fucking hell. 15 minutes later, walking away, it's 1-0. I was like get in fucking sound him fucking hell 15 minutes later walking away to one i was like i don't want to go to fucking pens here i was like can i get another goal bosh beto scores winner we've won the moon box me but the moon's always just a moon and it doesn't really move it just depends on and it's a blue yeah no yeah but she's huge on the moon and I think she's got a massive patron on the moon I think it's important to talk to the moon

to make your girlfriend feel like she's not on the moon to take an interest in what she takes to pretend she's not mental not take the piss there's not taking the piss and then there's asking for Alex Iwobi to score I thought he played for you how's he moved there's not taking the piss and then there's asking for Alex Iwobi to score and then I mean you

you're not on you what I thought he played for you how's he moved at the time when you were playing Doncaster what if you got home today and Laura told you

she'd recently gone into Reiki healing Reiki healing I'd be like nice one yeah quality what if she was like

when are you doing that can you do it on Monday and Wednesdays what if she told you she'd been practicing witchcraft? Whoa. What? What with witchery?

What happened? I was at Cranfield with my good friend and Adam's good friend Stephen Dixon. Avicii was there, rest in peace. Oh my God. And Serica went down, talked to the moon and went, kill Avicii. Bitch. I want him to be no more. A friend was there

and a friend had pissed her off bad and Serica went, well, I'm wishing a bad week. She didn't say it out loud to her. I'm wishing a very bad weekend on you. And it flooded and got rained off. It gets flooded and rained off

three out of every four years. It's never been, it's never been cancelled. Oh wow. Rain in the northwest of England. She's a witch. She is a witch. What happens if someone else who's a better witch

just wishes for the opposite? Oh, that's a witch off. Yeah, that's a difficult one. It depends what the powers are. You don't believe any of this shite. That's a six pointer. Yeah, but I think it's important to just not take the piss, though. Yeah, because she's clinically insane

and you don't want to feel like you're gaslighting her. No, there's not. You don't have to take the piss, but you don't have to go down to Waterspool and talk to the moon. It was like when you were talking, Joe and Laura was talking about the psychic and you were going,

that's all the bollocks. No, I, yeah. Yeah, but I'm saying you don't need to do that, do you? Yeah. Why? If she can't get a refund off it. Yeah. Yeah. Because I watch men fight at 4am and that's all the bollocks but you know it isn't no it isn't real no it's not saying it's not real

but i'm saying i don't like taking the piss out i used to think jeremy clarkson was real and i saw the joints yeah no when the listen so What's that a reference from? How are we just new? When your missus goes, I haven't got a refund from a WhatsApp psychic. No, you were taking the piss out of the actual thing, weren't you? Only if she goes. Say, where are the dead people?

Are they in a waiting room? That's what I meant. Right. She's taking the piss out of what she likes. Yeah, so no, to be fair, yeah. No, I truly think it's bollocks but I don't open the if she just includes me in any way

I can't say it's not bollocks but then again I suppose what's the difference between that and someone being religious because I think that's all a load of shit but if someone talks about it I don't slam it in their face so I'm going to concede a little bit of a point I'm an religious man

I just think it fucking suck on this, men of the club. I just think it's important to take an interest in other people's interest. You're right. Finn, can you book me a WhatsApp psychic? Yeah, I'm on it. Right now.

Do you reckon you could be converted to Islam? Believe in it. I swear to God, a ghost would have to come and go, hey Dan, and then shit on my chest. For what? I literally, That's all that my chest. But for what?

I literally... That's all that can happen. I want to see a ghost turn up and go, hey, lad, I'm a ghost. And then we'll have a chat. Yeah, watch. All right, lad, I'm a ghost. Why are you doing that with your face? What was that?

He gets it. He's such a good actor. I'm Adam. I'm Adam. I'm Adam. Ghost. All right. with your face what was that he gets it he's such a good actor i'm adam i'm adam i'm adam ghost all right i'm a ghost but yeah when we were on office pool talking to the moon we got flashed loads yeah yeah as in like common bombers was it were they don't cast the fans stop messing with the score. Flash him. Put him off. I hope it was Doncaster, wasn't it? It was Doncaster.

You're absolutely right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think... Yeah, I just think it's important to not take the piss out of someone's interest. No, but it is stupid, though. We can say that. Yeah, we can. And that's what I am.

It's stupid. You get all friends mental. She's a wonderful woman. And she's a witch, so be careful. Shall we make it rain? Shall what? Not in the club. Yeah, but it's batshit, though.

Not for Sarah Kerr. Put up... Yeah, I feel bad. I feel bad because you've got me on the spot here. She knows I don't believe in astrology, but she knows I'm a bit more spiritual than I am religious, and I think you are too. I'm shitting on it because it's funny to know.

She knows I'm not totally like, this is a load of shit. I believe in the law of attraction. Manifestation is so real. I believe in a thing called love. I do believe in the law of attraction you know yeah hang on so do I

acting we're acting Adam Adam Adam Adam hang on yeah I'm into it as well I'll just roll with it do you not know do you not believe if you put out good vibes,

you get good vibes back? From the planet? A thousand percent. Not from the planet. From other people. Yeah, but the people are the planet, aren't they? We are the earth. The people are the planet!

We are the future. Says a man who's just had 20 chicken nuggets. Fucking talk to me like a hippie. Yeah, hold on. Have you tried those chilli cheese bites I'm a fucking hippie now the people of the planet talk to the moon

get a win against Doncaster change your ways I believe in a thing called love just listen you know what the load of attraction is though listen I think if you go into

if you go into the world and you're positive and you work hard and you're a good influence in people's lives, I think you will get stuff back. I don't think that's from the planet. So what's it from then? Who's doing it? John the fucking, the boxer?

No, I think it's just in the John the boxer. John Fiore. I'm a spiritual man. Not this boxer, like somebody boxes stuff John the boxer boxes you off do you know when

it was dead negative yeah is their life shit yeah yeah and also even when it's not shit they'll tell you why

the shit bits that's them just being a fucking whingy lump yeah but if you change that then things will change I know but that's not about but that's not about the cosmos. Change your ways, change your ways and follow God's way.

Change, change, change your ways. There's a war on the streets and a war in the Middle East. Why does every one of your hymns sound like it should be done on the away end? Change, change, change your ways, follow God and we will win. Against Doncaster, flash the moon. Change your ways. Yeah, great. Well done. Well done, year four.

Now let's sing another song. Jesus. Jesus. We love fucking Jesus. Dan, instead of a war on poverty, they've got a war on drugs. Diddle-oo, diddle-oo, diddle-oo. If you're not putting these positive vibes on,

you're getting good stuff back. What is... It's individual relationships and a build-up of that sort of positive. So you don't think there's like... No, cosmic... An electromagnetic field that's just like, what?

Yeah. So, if you're a whingy cunt, and everyone's like, fuck me, they're so whingy and negative, you think it's electromagnetic forces that might be the wrong it's a frequency no you attract other negative people and then

you're negative you don't crack on you don't do the work I truly believe if you're an atheist and you don't believe in a higher power or any of this bollocks your life is just experiences and people and what you put into it isn't it so i believe if you're a positive people and you try and make people's lives better as well as improving your own you'll get some of that back that isn't electromagnetic

force no i misspoke with electromagnetic it's a frequency isn't it what about sexy chris no no i didn't mean electromagnetic. I meant frequencies. You know, you're on a great wavelength. No, you are, yeah. You move up. And we've all moved up. You were AM, now you're FM. I get everything I want.

Anything I want, I get it. Yeah, frequencies. Yeah. I know. And sometimes you say, hey, I want it, but no. And that's, again, that's that's good i just want a taxi yeah oh adam oh adam but yeah anything you want you get i there's nothing i've ever wanted like wanted actively pursued that i haven't got well yeah because you work your ass off yeah yeah

you're good at what you do yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but also that's you mate yeah it's still you yeah I know it's still you and it's because of the frequency I have seen some comedians

want to be fucking brilliant comedians but they're not on the right frequency you've seen you've seen comedians deserve it not get it it's not their talent

and intelligence it's their they've tuned in to the wrong frequency so why are the really talented ones not getting anything? Don't you fucking smash them and don't answer me. Hey, I'm a hippie. The talented ones, why aren't they getting it?

What? The ones who deserve, like, success. The really talented comics, why aren't they getting it? Because they're on the wrong frequency. It is, though. It is. Right. There's people who deserve more based on their talent,

but they're on the wrong wave and they don't get it. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Change your wavelength, man. Idiot, like... Yeah. Do you know the definition of it? And we talk about them all the time. Andrew Schultz.

He's on that fucking frequency and he's just like, I'm making shit happen. Yeah. And there's people who... I just think everything's right. And then you mentioned frequencies and it's unnecessary. No, it's not unnecessary because you're just saying,

oh, something just happens. Like, that's just so stupid. No, I'm not. No, it's not unnecessary because you're just saying, oh, something just happens. Like, that's just so stupid. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. You sound stupid. He works hard. He's incredibly intelligent. He's got drive, vision.

And he's on the right frequency. Ah, he's on the right frequency and I sound stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, glad. You're fucking being thick. You don't get wavelengths and moons. Andrew Schultz, Andrew Schultz. There's people like him who aren't

on the right frequency ah yeah yeah yeah yeah cool sort your frequencies out everyone and you'll be a millionaire how do you think you do that what what adam's saying how do you think you achieve that what for success no like the changing of your life and frequencies and stuff well don't keep doing what you were doing try and find something you're good at and you're passionate about. Work your bollocks off. Commit to it. And then hopefully you've tuned up

what you're good at, what you personally, your skills, suit with something you want to do. But if you're on the wrong frequency, it's never going to happen. You're in a circle, man. Of course, the frequencies. And the third thing, check the frequencies.

You just said hopefully? Yeah. What's that hope? What are we, what, what? You said hopefully? So you could have all of my things in it not happen? Why? Because that's how life works.

It doesn't always work. But it does if you're on the right frequency. What? Explain the frequency. There you go. There you go. Sorry. I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot. Sorry. For the audio listeners. Yeah, there you go. you go sorry i'm an idiot i'm an idiot sorry for the audio listeners yeah there you go adam just did a fucking we know loads of people deserve more and i'll tell them on the right frequency they don't get it it's body popping the body pop yes yeah you deserved more long before you got this yeah but i wasn't and i wasn't i started hanging around with you and i was like oh my god i'm getting some of that good frequency off yeah you moved you literally moved up to his level. Literally.

I gave you my frequency and you're welcome by the way. Yeah, I appreciate it. 96.7. Frequency's doing all right by me. Lads, just get on the frequency. Everyone. But we're all on the same frequency. Finn's not, which is why he gets paid less.

Fucking hell. That was the second pay joke in 24 hours And you can see Finn going go fuck yourself Finn is so sad today Can we get a shot please Will he come on Harry Right now Oh babe

When he turned up in the Maccies To help me carry 100 chicken nuggets Wildest image I'm in shorts and sliders in November and he turns up to help me. In last night's tux. Your mic isn't even on. He feels ill.

I still feel ill. Someone asked me if I wanted to buy perfume on the way to my kids. It's the last thing. You look good though. I look like one of the crooners that was nice to Sammy Davis Jr. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you staying like this for your date later? No, I've got like real clothes. No, Harry, please go on a date in a tuxedo. What's her name? We'll give her a shout out. Do you know one of the reasons you've not found love yet is because you've been going in on the wrong frequency. Maybe he doesn't want the wrong frequency.

Maybe he's just looking to pork his way to pound town. Hang on, he switched up last week when the man recognised him in the gaff. Get this fucking talent want the wrong frequency. Maybe he's just looking to pork his way to pound town. Hang on, he switched up last week when the man recognised him in the gaff. Get this fucking towel. I was wearing this as well. Yeah.

This is, you know, my vibe. Not everyone wants to fall in love. Some people just want to have sex. It was dad's vibe. It's inherited. Howdy.

250. Oh, sorry. We've not even mentioned it. This is episode 250 oh yeah 502 episode oh no 250 episodes do you reckon we'll make 502

yeah yeah because we've got the right frequency I didn't there's been points and I'm like I don't know if we'll get that far

now I'm like I'm convinced we'll get a thousand you're on the right frequency reporting doubt in your mind mate a thousand why wouldn't'll get a thousand you're on the right frequency reporting doubt in your mind mate a thousand why wouldn't we get a thousand me dying of natural causes

how long have we been doing this three years 12 years it's four years to get 250 no we haven't been doing it for four years nearly

we have two months short of it but that does the lock-ins have not skewed also we did 75 episodes in eight months that's what I mean oh yeah so how long is it actually 52 episodes a year that's five years Lock-ins have skewed that way. Also, we did 75 episodes in eight months.

That's fine with me. Oh, yeah. So how long is it actually? It's 52 episodes a year. That's five years. It is 52 episodes a year, Finn. Well done. That's my level today.

So it's 15 years till we get to 1,000 episodes. 15 more years. Okay. Yeah. I think we can do that. Why are you scared? You'll only be 56, 57. 95.

What? Lad, we'll be in our mid-40s. Yeah. You'll be older than I am now. No. I don't know. Why? What do you mean, no?

Why? Are you going to walk away, are you? No. I'm not fucking doing this anymore. Oh, don't ruin your own frequency. I've just gotten your wavelength, and I'm vibing, man. I'm vibing. Commitment. I've just gotten your wavelength and I'm vibing man I'm vibing commitment we've just hit 25,000

patrons in 15 years we could have 70, 80, 90,000 patrons I ain't walking away from shit you could drag me away this is the 8th time they've talked about Otter's Pool

this feels familiar just old Dan like Drag me away. So what are you talking about? This is the eighth time they've talked about Otter's Pool. This feels familiar. Just old Dan, like, ooh, wavelengths. Exactly. So in 15 years, we'll all still be here. You'll still be there. Finn will still be there. Jack will be there.

Jack will be shagging. Fuck that. What did you just do? Jack will be shagging. Jack will be shagging. Finnegan. Yeah. My son Jack will be shagging Jack will be shagging Finnegan yeah yeah my son Jack

will be 17 yeah yeah yeah yeah Enter will be what married hopefully so early 20s

yeah they might both just be going about town you know having their no no no please

I've got too many nuggets in my system we'll go to the pub first make sure you know we lay down how mad would it be if Adam

oh my god if we're still doing the podcast then there's a chance that after a live show Etta just comes to the pub with us yeah that's mad isn't it that's amazing though isn't it

yeah how old would she have to be before you bring her to the pub 14 no probably 16 17 17

what kind of fucking dad are you mate I'll have little Mutumbu there by then his dog Mutumbu getting a new puppy no

that's just made me really sad well Wallace won't be here Wallace won't be here in this time that we're all talking about nobody will be given he'll have given us 14 15 years of love.

Oh, I don't want to live in the future. I want to live now. You can. You can. No, maybe you'll still be alive. It just needs the right wavelength. No, dogs are here for a short time. They give you a lifetime of love.

What do you mean about what pub? Like, we go to fucking, like... No, the pub. The Rubber Soul. Like, the fucking, the dog and duck, you know? What's the dog and duck? The dog and duck with the boys. When you're down the rubber sole. Like the fucking the dog and duck you know. What's the dog and duck? The dog and duck with the boys and the red lion.

Lads, we only ever go to pubs in the middle of town or in Dublin or in London. You're not going to be doing that when you're 57 are you? What? You're not going to be doing that

when you're 57. No, the rubber sole will make more sense. I've already got one. The rubber bone. What's your pub? The Eagle in Chester. It your man pub the Eagle in Chester my favourite pub

and I'm a fat and there you go cattle boners couple of bitters and there you go do you reckon you'll be exactly the same when you're 57

I don't I'm not showing signs of growing up much do you not think I reckon you'll be I reckon this will be exactly the same when we're all

mid 50s and 40s erm I think I'm going to be retiring the same when we're all mid-50s and 40s. I think I'm going to be retiring soon after that. I could see me going, I'm a dumb pal. Oh, yeah. Have fun. We'll run the ship.

Retire? Do you think you can do that? At 57? I don't think you could do that. You are lying to yourself. I can draw my pension. You'd have the itch to perform. You are a performer, Dan. You could not sit at home

fingering your ass playing fucking Sudoku. No, you're right. I won't proper retire, but I can't. I'm not going to keep going like this. Like, I'm not. Are you not? I do want to go into, like, a lower gear.

When are 57? The wheelchair oyster, son. 57 is young. Yeah? Well, this goes directly against everything you've told me for the last three and a half years. When are 57? The wheelchair oyster, son. 57 is young. Yeah. Well, this goes directly against everything you've told me for the last three and a half years. It's funny to call you an old pedophile. So we don't know.

Give me some famous 57-year-olds up then. Okay. Jim Owen is 57. No, you need to calm down. Go on. Go on, who's 57? Famous 57-year-olds. Go on, let's go through. Bill who's 57 famous 57 year olds go on

let's go through Bill Bear's 54 now yeah he's got 3 years and then he's done oh did you see old dad's Tom Cruise no he's 61

Adam Sandler is 57 shut up Patrick Dempsey Robin Wright George no George Green is 62

you're not reading are you why is it you I've just Googled it. Danny DeVito, 78. Matt LeBlanc's about to turn 57. Mike Tyson. And you wouldn't go to Boozer with him. What?

You want to be fucking on, you'd be fucking top of your game, miss. I'll still go to the pub at 57. I'm just saying. There is, you can definitely still work and go on quite a schedule, can't you? You know what I mean? Or do you just, are you just you just in your head you're just going full tilt till you drop yeah

yeah what is the point and i'm gonna retire in florida as well well because i want it but yeah oh yeah me and sally if you move to florida i will bomb your complex i need you close not happening i'm not moving to florida come and live in... No, I'm a time at home in Florida. It's a very full-on friendship, isn't it? When you just hear little sentences like that, and it's part joke, part truth. He wouldn't let me move to Skem when I was with my ex-girlfriend.

Come on, lad. I wouldn't let you move now either. That is great advice. No, but it wasn't like, don't move to Skem, lad. Skem, Skem. It was, don't move to Skem. Skem is miles away.

And now he's telling me he's moving to Florida, all of a sudden dropping this bombshell on me. If you're not from the area, I think Skam is, I would guess, a 28 minute drive. Yeah. Max. Yeah. And he told me I couldn't go.

18 miles to the ground. I'm getting, wait, no, don't. You went to Japan? I don't think he did. I know. How rude is that? I'll never forgive him, you know. He could have come back from Skam.

No, I'll forgive, but I won't forget. I'm telling you, I'm going into a form of semi-retirement. 57, 58. No, you're not. I won't. Do you know what semi-retirement is? It's just a bit less work. You're doing that now?

What? You've done that now from two years ago. It doesn't feel like that. What? I'm gigging all the time. You're on tour. I'm podding all the time. I'm gigging all the time.

You're on tour. Oh, yeah, I'm semi-retirement time. You're on tour. I'm gigging all the time. You're on tour. Oh, yeah. Send me retirement on November 23rd, actually. No, I can't stop. I'm not slowing down. And I'm going to do, I'm going to go to retirement home in Florida, play chess all day and then die.

At what age? At what age? At what age? Like 70. I don't know. Like, oh, come round. There's a care worker comes round four times a day. I think she's robbing the washing.

I don't want to be that guy. I want to be... You're going to move to Florida and turn Lancastrian. That's a weird move, isn't it? No. I'll be bloody hell now. I'm in Florida.

I don't like it. I'm from Chorley. I don't want to be that guy who's like, oh, come round. I haven't seen you for six months. I fell over three months ago and I can't get back.

I want to be in Florida where they're fucking the time and all, where there's like swimming pools, everyone's playing chess and volleyball and that. Come round, I haven't seen you in ages. Also, I fell over three months ago. In Florida. Do you know what I mean?

You're scared of being the old man. Yeah, like, not, like, the way your granddad was, the way he was reliant on the family. Blow my head off. I mean, blow my head off. I mean... Blow my head off! To be fair, my granddad nailed it

because he was like, if you put me in an old people's home, I'll kill myself. And basically we were all like, Christ almighty, no one needs a 93-year-old suicide on their hands. He lived in his own house, did his own shit,

went to the golf club where he's got all his mates for years. It was in the last three or four, your body just lets you down. But, I mean, if you're talking about not going, I'm in an old people's home and just giving up, he was still playing golf until he's fucking... Superb. Yeah.

But I want to do that in a lovely retirement complex in Florida. I don't want to be in. You would fucking hate that. I want to be like in a lovely retirement complex in Florida. I don't want to be in. You would fucking hate that. I want to be like 80, aren't I? I'm not going to give a fuck. I'm going to be just tethered and everything. Oh my God. Who's the new resident?

I think they're from a place called Lancashire. You'd hate it. I'd be tethered and everyone. You'd fucking hate it. I think I might retire on a ranch in Nashville. See? Yeah, because you want to be somewhere different. I just want to be in Nashville with a cowboy hat on at all times.

But you want to end it somewhere better than just where you've been all your life. Finn hasn't said less words on any episode in months. I'm going to move where Finn is. Finn, where do you want to end it all? Where do I want to end it all? Not kill yourself, I mean, it'll just be when you die. Somewhere hot. Somewhere hot.

Turkey? Yeah, Turkey's alright. Oh, it's in, yeah. Yeah. David Cameron's 57. David Cameron's 57. I thought he looks younger than that. He does,

because he's a, he's a witch. Yeah, I got, The tears of the poor have fucking, I've seen, I've, yeah, I've seen someone on the deathbed in turkey

it wasn't pretty so i don't want that i've seen somebody on the deathbed in turkey mate i could allow fucking seeing anyone on the deathbed unless they're conscious and then you're like, no, I need to. When they're already unconscious, like, what are we doing? Have you ever seen a dead person? You what? Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen a dead person?

I mean, I've watched... Yeah. What? I mean, how bleak do we want to go here? Have you watched the life drain from someone's eyes? Yeah, me mum. Oh, God. I was there.

I was there five minutes after Seneca's dad passed and that was the worst moment of my entire life. I seen my granddad dead and it looked like he was just going to go, Hey! Be great if he did. No. Honestly, at all times,

because you're looking at someone and it looks like they're asleep and whenever you're this close to someone asleep, you feel like they're going to wake up. I saw my nana and granddad's death row. Oh, my God. When my nana was granddad's death row oh my god uh when my nana was very very she'd had basically a heart attack and we hadn't signed a dnr which is a do not resuscitate somebody fucked up because she'd already been like i don't want to live she's

again she's 94 and she'd really like turn and no one's had a dnr so they were like oh quickly and like those the last 24 hours of her life so someone had to just sit with her and uh in the in the cubicle next to us i don't know what had happened but it sounded like the texas chainsaw massacre going on next door as someone died obviously about a meter from my head like i was that close just a little blue curtain it was horrifying the whole thing my only the only thing i'm glad about there is that my sister hadn't arrived yet because i think honestly it would have like done her in it's a lot isn't it so like i don't know how we got that bleak that quickly it's not bleak it's real isn't it yeah but uh i i truly if I get old enough

and I don't I've not got commitments to if I've got grandkids I'm going to move to where Etta and Jack have got their kids I don't see the point

of getting too attached to a place yeah Nashville Ranch I would honestly if we get to the point

where we're free to do that and Etta's moved somewhere we'll sell our house and move there what if they've moved opposite ends of the country you've got to pick one yeah that's tricky

but you pick your favourite don't you yeah pick Etta don't you nah she's the OG also she's great for a pint when she's 12

apparently I'd take my kids to the pub when they're 14 yeah to watch the match pogues no for a pint when were you going

don't perpetuate it end the cycle 13 just it's up to you innit fuck no you can't legally

I reckon you can go to the pub with your son and go have a half a shandy and watch the like yeah it's not awful is it don't give him like 12 pints, but I reckon,

yeah. All right. And also, and also, if I'm dying, I might go Dignitas. That's where I might go. I might go Switzerland.

Ski. And just, to what? Ski. Yeah, that's what Dignitas is. It's just a slope that you can't handle

and at the end, there's spikes. That would be a way to go. That'd be pretty fucking epic. The sewer slide. Press the button. Press the button. Beautifully done.

What? Press the button. Everyone's in a mood. I'm in a belting mood. I'm in a great mood. Me and you, mate. It's all right. That was awful.

What's that? Why? Bruv. That hurt. That was so. Oh, why? Bruv. That hurt. That was so good. The fucking egg coming from this side of the room. Look at this. What's that?

That one? Big one. Come on. What was that? I thought we were just high-fiving. Bash! Harry's in a coma. Finn can't be arsed with his prep.

Alex turned up and sucked all the energy out of the fucking room. I know you are, babe. I've done the prep. I know. He's just doing little bits of... It's not funny. I've done my... I've really tried hard this morning.

It's a comedy podcast. I don't find that funny. Yeah. That is honestly a sentence that should never be allowed in the studio. I don't find that funny. Yeah. I think that should be illegal.

You said it last week. Can I talk about you pooing on your son's day? No, I didn't. I didn't. He didn't. I said, out of context, because you mentioned that in a public episode, and that's what we were talking about in the Patreon episode.

Contextualise it for everyone just to know. Basically, my son did a poo that went all front ways. I've never seen anything like it. It was honestly like my son's dick was wearing the disguise on a different episode i suggested you might have done it and blamed them and you were like that's not funny that's my son's dick i didn't i didn't say that i said i said out of context that might be the worst thing you've ever said i have never pooed on my son's dick that is disgusting yeah he's not wrong i'm to double down on that. It's pretty grim.

All right, Jack, if you're watching this in 15 years, stop shagging. Anyway, let's talk about my eldest. Come on. What is the worst thing Etta or Jack could do for a living for you? What if Etta was like,

I'm going to be a spinster? A spinster? Yeah. What does that mean? Someone who's fucked. What? Is it? Like a high class escort.

A spinster? I think so. I don't think it is. I don't think it was. It's the day of the government. What? Day of the government. A spinster's just an old woman

that doesn't marry. An unmarried woman. Oh yeah. An older woman. Oh God. What if she never takes the D? Yeah. Nightmare.

What if she wants to be a spinster? How have you got, sex worker from spinster? I've just named it out of context. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. What if she never takes the D? Yeah, nightmare. What if she wants to be a... How have you got... Sex worker from Spinster? I've just named it out of context. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spinsters, they love fucking spinning dick. Oh, my God. Look at him.

Look at him. Look at that 78-year-old woman, never married because she just loves too many different dicks. What if she wants to be a spin doctor? What if she wants to be a spin doctor? For who? Dominic Cummings.

Ah, annoyed. No, for the Green Party. For the Green Party. Fine. Go for it. Enjoy. For Labour? Ideal.

Lib Dems? Yeah, fine. Everyone else? If Jack's gay, would you rather him be a top or a bottom? Also, by the way. Listen, I'll tell you this. It is funny,

but I'm not happy. That's for you. Yellow card. That's fair. Spin doctor also sounds like a gay euphemism as well. He's a bit of a spin doctor, isn't he? You know what I mean? He sounds like a DJ.

He sounds more like a DJ than a... Doctor Spin. He's a bit of a spin doctor, him. You wouldn't think DJ. No. Yeah, you would. You can make anything sound like you're talking about someone being gay. You know, he's a fucking extra large fountain, if you wouldn't think DJ. No. Yeah, you would. You can make anything sound like you're talking about someone being gay.

You know, he's a fucking extra large fountain, if you know what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I went, Dan, there's a kid coming later and he's a bit of a spin doctor, you wouldn't go, DJ? Yeah, he's actually a qualified forklift truck driver.

Charlie's not in. If you know what I mean. Charlie isn't in. Spin doctor sounds like DJ. Come on. It's a sick name for the shit job, isn't it? He's a bit of a referee, if you know what I mean. Charlie is an idiot. Spindock sounds like DJ. Come on. It's a sick name for a shit job, isn't it? He's a bit of a referee, if you know what I mean. What job could they do? I'm fine.

You're just fat. I said I'm fine with them doing whatever. I don't think there is a job that would piss me off. There is. What? Murderer. Yeah. Although, to be honest, if you've made it pay, you know. Yeah, an assassin. If my son was like, I'm an assassin, I to be honest, if you've made it pay, you know.

Yeah, an assassin. If my son was like, I'm an assassin, I'd be like, sick, stop telling me, it's a secret. Take your dad to work, though. Hey, come on, I'll get down as well. I'm so proud of you. Shut up, dad. There's the mark.

All the mates of the pub, don't bring your fucking 12-year-old around. He's a fucking assassin. Right. All right, Finn. Let's get your questions in. Okay. Come on, Finn.

Come on, Finn. Come on, get it out, mate. Have you ever seen anyone quit live on part? There is a high chance that's happening today. This is from Jasmine Staunton. Are you enjoying drinking, Finn? I'm enjoying drinking. I'm not enjoying this.

Not the hangovers. Because you've never really had hangovers, have you? I'm enjoying drinking. I'm not enjoying this. Not the hangovers. Because you've never really had hangovers, have you? No. Proper ones. This is the worst one other than the day after the roast. Yeah, that was big, that though. What's a pot over? What do you get off the pot?

To come down. You're just like a bit lethargic. Blank you down from pot? What? No. No, you get high, don't you? High. It isn't an, though, is it? It can be.

It depends if you have a sativa or an indica. They're two different strains. Look at his little druggy face light up. Look, he's made up now. Is it a sativica or indica? No, sativa or indica. Oh, sorry. Sativa's an upper and then indica,

the indica couch. Cl sativa's an upper and then indica indicauch clip it it's fire yeah this is from Jasmine Staunton hi boys hi Jasmine how are you how are we jazz girl

how are you Staunto Jazzy Jazzy Staunt love the pod after watching the Patreon episode recently where you essentially

gave John Fury a new catchphrase I wanted to ask no whoa essentially gave John Fury a new catchphrase, I wanted to ask... No, whoa, whoa, whoa. He gave himself that catchphrase. There's videos of him saying it. I'm a fighter, man. I'm a fighter, man.

I'm a lover, but I'm a fighter. I'm in a wagon. I wanted to ask, if you had to come up with catchphrases for various mediocre celebrities as if they were in a comic book or sitcom, what would the catchphrases be? I've got a list of celebrities.

Go, go. Dermot O'Leary, I wear Chinese with suits. Hello, Dermot O'Leary here, standing in on Good Morning Britain. I wear Chinese with suits. Everyone at home like, I love it when he does his catchphrase. So the first one we got is Deborah Meaden.

Deborah Meaden, I haven't got any money. Deborah Meaden, I'm skinty. I haven't got any money. Debra Meaden. I haven't got any money. I've borrowed this big pile of it, but I cannot spend a penny on it. Debra Meaden. It's a long catchphrase. I'm skint. I'm skint.

She's got none. I'm out. Honestly, every episode of Dragon's Den when she's on, someone could come in and go, I've invented Google. She'd be like,

no, ridiculous, I'm out. She's got no money. Does she ever invest? No. She's skint. She's skint. I could go on and go, yeah, I'm a dragon.

No, no, no, no. I could draw money and put it in power. I'm a dragon. Do you think she'd invest in that? Yeah, dragon's dead. I thought it was a little bit on the nose, but I'm a dragon. That's what I've invented. Me being a dragon.

I'm out. You know, I the nose, but I'm a dragon. That's what I've invented. I'm out. Me being a dragon. I'm out. You know, I'll attack any castles you want attacking. Kill a saint. That's what I'm like. Dragon me balls across your face. Whoa! She'd invest in that. Debra Meaden says,

I've got no money. I'm skinned. I'm skinned. Debra Meaden, I'm skinned. I'm looking for a 20% investment. I'm skinned. I'm skinned. Debra Meaden, I'm skinned. I'm looking for a 20% investment. I'm skinned. Go on.

The next one is Chuck Blazer. Who's that? That's it. Who the fuck am I? Chuck Blazer. Who am I? Chuck Blazer, who's that? Who is that?

I think it's the... I'm going'm gonna check i think it's the guy that had a parrot on his shoulder that used to run like a bully in a bad american teen film he used to run fifa yeah he used to run fifa he's got yeah that's that's yeah i'm thinking of the right guy are we not talking about go around there chuck blazer's around there with all of the guys chuck blazer before Sepp Blatter. What the fuck? Right, who's that? That's his country. The next one, Ted Bundy. What was his? I know he killed people, but was it women?

Women, yeah. He was into women. Oh, sorry. He's not the Unibomber. Sorry. The Unibomber? That's Ted Kaczynski. I'm coming for you. At least I'm not the Unibomber.

No, he said Unibomber. I said Unibomber. Yeah.'m not the Unabomber no he said Unibomber I said Unibomber Finn's the Unibomber Nottingham Trent I'm coming for you next Ted Bundy the goat innit what

he was a goat killer back then and he was fit wasn't he yeah but he drove a Beetle there you go that'll do Ted Bundy's so handsome, you'll want me to murder your pussy. And you.

I think that's just implied. Oh, right, all right. It's on the nose, that one. No, I think if a woman says, please murder my pussy, she's not like, and me. I don't think that... If she's talking to Ted Bundy,

that is more feeling. Ped Tundy. Ped Tundy. Ped Tundy. The Unibomber. This week, I'm in Warwick. Pet Sunday Pet Sunday the Unibomber this week I'm in Warwick Ted Bundy

murderer of pussy I like that yeah that's nice but also I'm in Brackets but also I will kill you as well

yeah is he dead go on in a bit tonight yeah yeah yeah tonight go on

get on me bike is he dead Bundle yeah yeah got to execute the Bundle you went to that school bit tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get on me. Get on me bike. Is he dead? Bundo, yeah. Got executed. Bundo. Got executed. The Bundo, lad. Bundo. He died by puzzle. He sold Lucozade.

What's a Ferrari in here, lad? Ted Bundo. Got executed. Ted Bundo? Bundo, yeah. The next one is Saddam Hussein. I'm over here. Frequencies. He must have had some great way he was uh iraq wasn't he yeah he was iraq yeah that's it that's the catchphrase saddam hussein he was iraq it's been a mess since isn't it mad that like it is hanging is on the video is on the internet yeah and he said and before and before he died he said like and subscribe Isn't it mad that like it is hanging is on the video is on the internet. Yeah.

And he said and before he died he said like and subscribe. This was a really weird move. I can see it. Yeah. I remember what it looked like. You can.

Awful. Too young for our brains to see that. Too young for Saddam Hussein. He's too young. He died too young Saddam. Taken too soon. Honestly.

Gone but never forgotten. He wanted to he wanted to retire to Florida and you know you're right I'm Saddam Hussein. Next one is Honestly. Gone but never forgotten. He wanted to retire to Florida. And you know. Yeah, right. I'm Saddam Hussein.

Next one is Denise Van Outen. Oh, she'd still get it. I used to be fit. No. Denise has still got some. You don't like Maya Jammer, but you're into Denise Van Outen in 2023. Oh, shit. Simply speaking.

Maya Hammer. I wonder if she's 57. She's 49. She's 49. Good God. Denise Van. Denise Van 57. She's 49. She's 49. Good God, Denise Phan. Denise Phan out the house, mate. Don't even want to look at you. The next one is Ben Shepard.

Oh, Ben Shepard. When David's out there, he's busy. I'm Ben Shepard. Where's David? He's busy. We've got a couple more Poirot tits that's been taken by a lovely woman

it's too on the nose for you man okay the next one the last one Michael Barrymore oh what's that in the poo

I found him like that I thought he was a big leaf I was in bed which one are you going for not even gay what was his alibi Michael Barrymore I was in the shower

that's why my ears wet and I always wear speedos for the shower with the little armbands the orange armband Michael Barrymore needs more chlorine what was the hack one left a floater

needs more chlorine there's a dead guy in the pool what the hell am I going to do that's probably what he thought right well this is a good marketing little meeting keep them coming by the way

they're great do you like that yeah they're good though I enjoyed that right okay right we're going to give some advice Saddam Hussein what

mediocre celebrities Saddam Hussein what do you want advice please okay yeah well alright it's not fucking I'm here to help here to help I'll solve your problems I'll tell you the best thing to do okay yeah well it's not fucking full fat coke is

so fun that was nice this is from Bethan. Hi, Welsh. Not Bethan. Welsh. I've said Bethan. Yeah, sorry.

You've said it Welsh, haven't you? Bethan. I knew. This is from Bethan. Who's Beth with? From Llanelli. Bethan who? All right, lads.

We're going to tell you all to see it, right? This is from... So how do you say it bethane bethane bethane no you say how you want bethane bethane you put a at the end huh bethane shut up she's got bethane mate hi lids i need some advice and i think dan in particular can help me and my mates are all between the ages of 20 and 23. And recently, one of the girls has started dating a 42-year-old guy who, for the purposes of anonymity, we will call John. John seems like a perfectly nice guy,

and I think he'd get along with my dad very well. However, he started... Because he went to school with him. That's what's right, isn't it? However, he started coming to more and more of our social events, and I'm finding it very difficult to make conversation with him, as we surprisingly don't have that much in common. My advice is twofold.

Do I need to confront my mate over the age gap between her and a middle-aged lover? How old is she again? Between the ages of 20 and 23. Right, okay. The whole friendship group. Do I need to confront my mate over the age gap between her and a middle-aged lover? And if not, what can I talk to John about without wanting to blow my brains out? I don't want to be chatting about pressure washers

in a bar age 23. Cheers. Well, fuck you, missus. Ow. Oh, sorry. It's not on my fucking toes there, mate. I forgot you had sliders on. Yeah.

I mean, just any gardens, you know? Gnomes. How many gnomes has he got? Find that out. That's good. Exhausts. Is the exhaust like on your motor there? No.

I know. What road did you take to get to the pub? Oh, he'd love that. If you're going to London, Saturday afternoon, how are you getting there? Leaving at two. I'm going M6, M25. Something in the middle.

Dan, what are you... What's the problem? Dan, how are you... I think this is on the old dude just let her hang out with her mates and don't keep turning up do you not think

Dan how are you getting from Sunderland to Bristol Sunderland to Bristol it's A1 A1 M1 oh is it

M40 over to the M6 M42. That's mad. M5. I'm guessing that's right. He's right.

Wild. I don't know any roads. I just turned myself on a little bit. Do you know when you started comedy? Yeah. How did you get places? Horse and car. But like, did you have to get an A to Z Out in your car

And be like Right I'm going over there I'm currently over here Yeah it was before Tom Tom So I was gigging before Tom Tom Tom Tom Yeah

You couldn't You didn't have Google Maps on your phone Didn't have Google Maps Didn't have Google back then I had a flip phone Did you do the thing Where you printed out

No I don't think I ever did that But did you have a big... I had an A to Z. I had an A to Z. I think my dad got me from Christmas. I had a lorry. It's a big lorry. I was a spin doctor.

I was gay. I was gay. This is on the old dude. I was gay I was gay I was gay just don't this is on the old dude why are you trying to go and hang out with all her mates because he's trying to be hip and cool

and be in with her friends you hang around with 24 year olds him he's 24 Harry 25 yeah

I do love Harry you'd go to the pub with Harry and all his friends but if you so yeah of course I would imagine like there I would imagine like I'm not fucking Harry am I

well you say that keep disappearing with him don't you I think I've got a bit more discipline than that it's been a while but imagine Laura's gone and you've got where's she gone Tunisia

Tunisia that sounds like a lie doesn't it yeah chinesia um and then you've got back into the dating scene and you started dating a 21 year old can you imagine the level of aneurysm carl regler would have if I started dating a 21 year old. He is so revved up about everyone else's love life. Do whatever you want.

If you're officially dating them. Not lying about it. Sensei Carl, if I turn up with a 21 year old, oh my God. No, I'll let you off.

How young could Dan go for you without you kicking off? 21. 21? No. 21? No, no, come on. That's too young. Even I'd be fucking VAR-ing myself on that one.

No, you're allowed because you'll come out of a marriage and you're going through the yellow Porsche fees. You can do what you want. Other people in this company, not so much. Oh, if Laura's in Tunisia, mate, I think 21 is too young. How young would you go? 26, 27 if they were bisexual. What?

Why bisexual? I just, I'm into it. Genuinely, would you go 26? If she's up for going to Otterspool, I'd take any age. Would you go 26? Late 20s. Alex, how old are you? I think Dan's coming on to you.

How old are you? 24. 24. No. Yeah, I think it's creep. I think it's just teetering on too much, that. How young can I go now that I'm back on the market? Mid-20s.

Mid-20s. The same as him. You could go. He's 42. Yeah, but I think he's going through the yellow pause phase. It skews the data. What do you mean?

What are you talking... What are you making up rules for? I'm not. It skews the data. He's 22. I'm not allowed. I'd say to... Yeah, I'm not going to stop you.

Are you not? You're fucking not. Anyone in this company wants to have second 23-year-olds, be my guest. Stay! Hiya, Jay. How old are you, Jay? a 23 year old be my guest stick hiya

hiya jade how old are you jade 27 oh okay that's fine um um i think my

i think i'm putting a bottom age at 26 jade can you just come on the mic for a second i want uh

i want an opinion um jade if i was to be single, right? Laura's gone. She's gone. She's in Tunisia. She's in Tunisia.

And we all know what that means. Suck a man up. Tunisia. And I'm 42. What is the lowest age I can go with a lady without it being creepy to everyone else? 20. Wow.

Sit back down and have a word with our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. 20? All right, 26, 27, I think. I reckon you're both on the same page. Top end. That's a really good answer from the 24. Top end.

Oh, by the way, 25. Leave me alone! Top end. 55. No. Oh, because he's famous, he can go younger. No, that's not... Yeah, yeah, famously.

If I worked for the BBC, I could go way younger. Hey. Pedophiles. Jimmy Sabo. I love that. Jimmy Savile. I love that you can go 22. What? 25 for you. No, that's bollocks.

Are you mad? It's a date. Yeah. Carl, did you just give me absolute carte blanche to do what I want? He'll have been divorced. What? He'll have been divorced. Why are you acting like that makes it any better?

It does, he's sad. Even with the half your age plus seven, bollocks, then that's 23. Oh, it's bollocks now, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got all that, it's bollocks. Oh, by the way, if it's not about age for me, I want a woman who's hench.

You want a unit? I honestly, a woman in Belfast, no disrespect because you know exactly who you are, she gave me a hug and she was like, I think you need a hug from a bigger woman and she was she was strong and I it gave me a little twitch you like feeling like a little bitch don't you no I didn't until now until I got hugged in Belfast she was like do you like that I was like oh my god yeah I do so I just wanted to be pressing benches I think that's the turn of the phrase Belfast hog sounds like something. I think to date, I'd go 23. It sounds like murder.

Where's Tyrone? 22 is fine. Get a Belfast hog. 22 is fine. 22. Yeah. Fucking hell, mate. They just saw 9-11.

Today. And they won't even know what it was. Carl won't fuck anyone unless he can talk about 9-11 with them. Fact. Yeah. Fact. They need to know what happened to Tower 7. Otherwise, I'm not going anywhere near you, mate about 9-11 with them. Fact. Yeah? Fact. They need to know what happened to Tower 7. Otherwise, I'm not going anywhere near you, mate.

What happened to Tower 7, Carl? It fell down of its own volition. Did it though? Apparently fires. Hey, women at the back, stop having a mother's meeting. What are yous doing? It's one of you, probably. What's your...

On the dating app, What are you setting it I think it's on 21 And above 21 to 38 I'm a paedophile But he can check 20 year olds 21 to 38

That's very reasonable Yeah Very different night out As well I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not

I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not

I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not

I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not

I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not

I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not

I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not

I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not

I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I'm not I 40-year-old woman. You're joking, aren't you? Why? I bet you there's some fucking power works. Denise Van Outen is 47. That's my top end. Denise Van Outen. You absolutely would. If she works out more.

You're 42, though. What? Yeah, so yours is 47. I'm 31. So my top end would be 37, wouldn't it? You'd shag a 40-year-old woman. Yeah, I would, yeah. Of course you would.

I just don't want to get to know one. I don't want to be like, hold me back. I can't be arsed. I can't be arsed. Hold me back. Got to get the kids to get to know one. I don't want to be like, oh, me back. I can't be arsed. I can't be arsed. Oh, me back. Got to get the kids to school in the morning. All seven of them.

No wonder her back's gone. Fuck it now. Seven kids of 40? Seven kids. Only started when I was 35. If I was on a night out and I was into a woman who was 40 or even above,

I'm not asking. You'd have to help her into the taxi at 40. But I'm not actively pursuing a 40-year-old. Oh, absolutely. I want a woman whose kids are at university already and she's got time to fucking lift. No, because you come down from banging her and he's like, did you see the NFL, Dan?

Oh, God. Isn't Travis Kelsey shit? Yeah. What would you do if he came down and he went, I love Taylor Swift. That's Travis Kelsey shit? Yeah. What would you do if he came down and he went, I love Taylor Swift. That's Travis Kelsey. He's a bad muppet. I'd beat him like I was his daddy.

Next question. Right. We've got a confession. Oh, have we? We have. Wow. Who wrote it in? It's anonymous.

Oh, it's anonymous. It's a remix, Leo G. Confessions. I'm messing with your mind. Press the wrong button. As always, this is Anonymous. Send your confessions in to haveawordpod at gmail.com. Highlights.

I've got a confession. Five years ago, I killed my neighbor's cat. We were relatively new to the street and I was moving my work van from down the road to outside my house. Didn't check under for any cats, and I never have. Dropped off the curb and ran over the cat.

I watched the life drain out of its flapping body and panicked. Turned the lights off my van, parked up as quick as I could and ran inside. 30 minutes later, I heard loud crying outside on the street and the neighbor holding their dead cat sobbing i went over kept quiet about the whole thing and innocently asked what's happened and often to offer to help from then on due to my willingness i had accidentally befriended the neighbors all while lying to their faces about

killing their beloved cat i'd even managed to convince them it was the other neighbor down the road as it was outside their driveway and I saw them drive off quickly earlier that evening. Do I deserve penance? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think he did until the last bit. What, he killed an animal, Carl? By accident, though.

If I killed Wallace accidentally, are you going to forgive me? What do you mean? It's not forgiveness. This isn't forgiving and penance. He didn't mean it. Okay. So would I not get any penance? Would you not want to punish me if i killed wallace accidentally no carl if one of us killed your dog i would set all your houses on fire honestly i don't think you'd take it as

well as you're a weird hill to die on um yeah i i'd admit to this you know i'd no no i know he i'm that's not what we do but in the moment i be like... You can give him that as his penance. I can't. I'd have to go, this happened. I wouldn't be able to... No, you couldn't be the new person in the street and be a cat murderer. You would have just moved in.

Brutal. How old was the cat? Why does that matter? It does if it was elderly. It was a young cat. It was a young cat. I was a bit misery. Yeah. It's a 40 year old cat i reckon this

happens less and less nowadays because of ring doorbells people will be able to see who's done it yeah i think imagine if you tried to lie and then they came around with the ring doorbell that's what i mean you've got it's a risky game you're playing there what's his penance then because i think the fact he tried to blame it on it's one thing to be like i feel so bad i don't want to admit to it i'm just gonna let them work it out and just but to be like yeah i think it was the content number 17 i would do that yeah you don't have to blame anybody just go i don't know what happened that's awful oh god oh god starting to blame people is a bit weird. Why has he done that?

I don't know, mate. You should go to therapy. What's his penance? He's got to get some penance. Yes. I think he has to, first of all, he has to admit to it. He's got to go and knock and be like,

listen, I blew your cat's head off with a fucking Range Rover. It's five years down the line. Yeah, no, but just get it off. That's actually better because they're over it. Yeah. So I'm so sorry. Just bring it up like joking. He's friends with them now. Oh, by the way, I killed your cat. By the line. Yeah, no, but just get it off. That's actually better because they're over it. Yeah. So I'm so sorry. Just bring it up like joking. He's friends with him now.

Oh, by the way, I killed your cat. By the way, I'm a lion cub. Also, the cat killed itself. If I was laying under someone's car and he went over me,

that's my fault, isn't it? Maybe, yeah, blame the cat. That is the cat's fault. The cat was trying to end it. Knock on and try and get them to pay for new tyres because their cat's blood's

all over your car. Five years on. Look, I can't get this off the tyres. I've tried five years. Your stupid cat was under my car. I thought you'd suggest buying the new cat. I think he should have to adopt 25 cats. And have all of them in his house.

Try not to kill at least 20 alive. He can't kill any of them. So for every cat that he accidentally kills, because he's got a track record. That's good parents that buy a cat and try not to kill it. 25 cats. But you've got to rescue a cat. That is your life.

If you've got 25 cats, that is your life. There's nothing else you can do, is there? Or every time you see a cat under the car, you've got to get bollock naked. For who? For himself. For her. time you see a cat under the car you've got to get bollock naked for him for himself for her and just and just stand there going wow cat under the car cat under the car just so and no more cats die yeah you're another cat savior yeah you've got to save cats how many lives how many cats lives has he got to save? Well, it's nine lives per cat. Well, this one was out of life. What is that? What is that?

Tell you what, this curb. This curb's squealing. He has to rescue nine cats. I do a good cat, by the way. Do you have a meta cat? I've got a cat and he's never made that noise ever. You've not run him over. Oh my God. I've got a cat and he's never made that noise ever hey you're not running over oh my god it'd be over

what would be over if I ran to lose over it's Carl's hyperbowl no but like it would be awful for a long time it's a baby she's had them since she was 18 I'd lie about that I'd be like that conduct Yeah. I'd be like, that condor's 17.

I'd have to... You'd have to lie. It'd be... Could you lie to Cedric about that if you accidentally killed a cat? No, you couldn't. I probably... I know, but...

Do you know which neighbour you'd blame? I wouldn't blame anybody. Why is this blame thing? Cats die. That's what I'm saying. They don't know about the F1 and they die. But my cat is a house cat though So who are they to blame?

Yeah I mean if you were parking In the house that is partly on you then isn't it? Blow the helicopter To lose the stairs in your cars in the fucking kitchen What have you been doing? Carl I don't want to point blame but this could be on you I've got 25 cats and come clean

Right time Don't come in the cats Welcome back Carl, I don't want to point blame, but this could be on you. I got 25 cats and come clean. But hey, Tom. Don't come in the cats. What was it? Welcome back to part three of four. Four. Did you see someone's episode of Have a Word? Episode 250, of course.

Welcome back to the studio. My name's Adam Rowe. This is Dan Nightingale. Hello. He's also the host of the podcast. Carl and Finn are over there. Did you see someone commented saying they didn't know what part of the podcast he was in? Because you didn't say that at the start of the episode. Yeah.

So you need to keep doing it. Mark Jennings is here though. Hey! Hello, boys. How are you? Very well. Thanks for having me. Top shagger.

But what was really funny is before we started, like most guests come in and they're just like, oh, I've got a story. So if you just ask me at some point about this like maybe one in four guests do that i've never had a guest turn up and go if you don't know anything about shagging just just the expert here you had a taliban expert on last week this is the shagging one it's funny being in liverpool actually because uh one of the last times i was here uh i got an airbnb and I was only there for one night and then you know that way it's sometimes in people's houses or whatever there's a wee old

guy's house and it was like I was on the third floor he just left himself down by the docks and so I go there drop off my stuff I was doing a gig at hot water so I went there and then after the show I met a lass who's in the crowd or whatever go for a couple drinks end up back at hers and then so the next day I'm walking back and i've not stayed at the guy's place so i start to think like what am i gonna like say to him because like he's like 70 and like a widower i'm not gonna be like hey fucking he's a high five my man so i just was sort of trying to piece together what i would say and i was thinking as i got to street i was like i'll say i was at a party and that'll be enough for him to know and before i could get that together i got to his door and he was outside in the garden he just looked at me he's like oh mark

i never heard you go this morning i was like oh yeah i just went a wee walk sort of thing like and i like because i've nobody tell him obviously so he actually gave me breakfast and stuff and he was like chatting away and he was like a guy used And he was like a guy who used to be involved in all the trade union stuff back in the day. He was telling me all this stuff about socialist stuff back in Liverpool and all that. And he was really sound. And then he kind of slipped in a wee hint

that he knew that I hadn't stayed there because he was like, ah, you know, so the next guest coming pretty soon, you know, like I'll need to wash the sheets. That's no job for a man kind of thing. I was saying all this old fashioned misogyny misogyny and I was like at that point I could have but at that point I was just like looking at him like and I was he was like looking at me as if you can tell me it's fine and I could have just said like you don't need to wash the sheets mate

I just couldn't bring myself to do it so I just let let him do it again. Oh, you let an old man wash clean sheets? I know. Yeah, but what if he was like, oh yeah, did you? And then started telling you all fucking union shagging stories from back in the day? I know. And part of me did think he would have because he was dead sound.

But I just was like, you know, he's just, he was that, like, he's just that old. I was like, oh, maybe he'd be like, you know, his morals would be against it. And he'd give me a bad review and all that shit so i just you got the fear i got the fear a little bit hungover i feel like a dirty stop out and you're like oh i just went to bed and prayed how long how long have you been single for i am i was in a relationship for a for a bit like during kind of lockdown and stuff

like that but for the majority of like the last you know however many years you know pretty much the whole time being on stand-up i suppose oh wow all right so it's an interesting life how old are you now 33 right okay getting up there wouldn't you mind finding somebody do you know what i mean because like yeah it's different when you're in i'm just looking for love i just keep putting me cock in anything that'll hit me um no but it's because it is different isn't it because like you know like when you're in your early 20s like you know

you're kind of like you're you're going about looking for it more and that sort of stuff I always think it's like you're kind of like a box to box midfielder or something like that you're chasing after every ball

you know covering every blade of grass now I've had to change I'm more like a defensive mid these days it's like you know I've lost the pace and stamina but you know I can read more like a defensive mid these days. It's like, I've lost the pace and stamina, but you know, I can read the game a lot better these days. See opportunities when no one else can,

but just looking for a club to end my career at this point, basically. You own the MLS, mate. It's all slow. I thought an American woman's been quite fast, actually.

Fast at what? Fast and loose. Fucking? Yeah. Have you fucked an American woman? Three Wow Is that how you got your visa?

I've fucked three American women Yeah In England Yeah Wow Yeah Internationals Lily, Amy and Angelica

Skylar Sisters Can you actually remember their names? Is that Do you not remember the names of all the women you fuck you don't I've got a song to remind you laughing laughing laughing laughing

what what it's a song isn't it he's very soon going to be in his mambo number 5 era yeah I am so I was single last year I'm single again now

and they all have a go at me because I said I slept with 6 women last year and they think that was a lie the thing isn't the word no do you think that's too low or too high it wasn't 6 there's no like conversation or was it it wasn't right he's been a right spin doctor about that it's as simple as that 12 women it was more than six right how many do you think it was

because i can only remember six I think it was portion 15 do you reckon? it's great times, I love it, it's vicarious he's very judgmental I'm not judging you you are a nightmare to have in my life when I'm a single man because you keep a lid on me and I don't like it

I think you do like it I think you like having the one person he's great when I'm dating someone when I'm seeing someone I want advice and stuff he's great then but when I'm newly single and I'm enjoying me manhood he's just a bit of a fucking nightmare

oh you're going to marry her are you oh I'm moving her in are you I fucked her three times Cal of course I'm moving it in. Put on a fucking plane. It's like being best mates with a nun. It's very judgmental. But you are like that, though.

Mark, have you got a mate that gives you a hard time about it? Have you just got wingmen? I feel it's hard to, yeah, because most of my mates are in relationships. Yeah, and he's been in a relationship since he was fucking nine years old. So he's like, oh, just, you know, find yourself a nice woman

and don't let her go 19 yeah that is young but how old are you now 31 31 and do you feel

yous have grown together absolutely I'm not the same person as when I was 19 oh I am I am in some aspects yeah because I just think

it's like because I what I think's interesting about it is you get you end up if you're single you end up getting to see loads of different places

and how people live and stuff like that that you would never normally see if you were just with the one person do you know what I mean so I feel like even like for stand-up or whatever you just get a wee bit of an idea

of what people are up to more if you're kind of if you're meeting different people all the time because if I'd been in a relationship last 10 years I'd have been

I wouldn't have known anything about people that go to Liverpool Uni, for example. But like, Carl, you don't really know what sex is like. Do you know what I mean? Because you've only had sex with one person properly. Like, do you know what I mean? As a child.

Oh, God. You were a child as well. You know what I mean? We were teenagers, weren't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two children. I don't know who this is for. I haven a child as well. You know what I mean? We were teenagers, weren't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two children. I don't know who this is for. I haven't fucking...

I haven't heard this one. We were teenagers. Yeah, you were two children. You were fucking a child. That's all I'm saying. No, I was a teenager. Just take it. Having consensual sex.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Yeah, yeah. So you were fucking a kid. Willingly. You know? And she was up for it as well. We were both teenagers. So you don't know what... And then. You know? And she was up for it as well. We were both teenagers.

So you don't know what to... And then... But as a man, you've only ever fucked one woman. You've only ever fucked one woman. I've had more sex than you. Possibly. Well, I have.

Possibly, yeah. Yeah. And this is the thing, because you get... But you don't know whether, like, maybe yous are both dreadful at it, maybe yous are doing it wrong. You'd never know.

Upside down. Yeah, but he's a legend. He's like gigs. It's all for one club innit do you know what I mean that's how you go you're like a Nelka

is Giggsie a puncher yeah Giggsie was a fucking bad man mate he was he batted his wife and he bummed his brother's

beard's head off Imogen Thomas yeah he's a nightmare at Christmas no that was a separate thing wasn't it was it I thought that wasn't the missus oh that was another that was at Christmas no that was a separate thing wasn't it was it

I thought that wasn't the missus oh that was another that was another thing yeah that was just someone he was from Big Brother so he's actually putting numbers up behind the scenes then isn't he

yeah he's a very bad man yeah behind closed doors yeah great play though but I do feel though because I think you're right

Carol because like I think people in relationships even though obviously if you're in long term like I think people in relationships even though obviously if you're in long term it's maybe not as much as it started a relationship but generally

people in relationships are having more sex than somebody that's single because it's more sporadic you know you go for long periods but maybe just because it's with a few different people that you're not going to marry

yeah but it can be sporadic in a relationship though can't it yeah I can imagine I'm finding out what's your age limit we were talking about age

what's your bandwidth for do you know what I'm saying you're 33 so what's your age limit we were talking about age what's your bandwidth for for what's the bottom you're 33 so what's your bottom end what's your top end well do you know

it's interesting I just went on I went on a wee holiday on my own the other week to Gran Canaria and it was mainly like old people there

and I did have the thought of like how old would I go how old would you go how old would you go do you know what I think it's on a case by case what's your's your age radius

just as high as it goes 100 not do you have not even been on the dating apps for like about a year and a half oh really i just just i realized it became a bad habit and i thought i need to knock on head also then every time and i got a bit it gets a bit old after a while it gets old very very quickly i'm already bored of it and i've stopped replying to people even attractive people i'm like i just can't be asked you do me i know that's it so i know i'm at the point i'd like to meet somebody but i don't know i guess like you would think have you come on here looking for love it does feel like we loaded the bases we basically just set him up there shagging on mention before we started recording and then we just paid him i was like this is my jenny's he's an absolute shagger and mention before we started recording and then we just painted him out and I was like this is Mark Jennings he's an absolute shagger

and now he's like alright fuck I roll with it that's not my words by the way but I did regret it when you started calling Carl a pedo a minute ago

no he's not a pedophile because he was a kid as well Carl question you know when you fuck right do you just take me through your fuck process

because I want to make sure you're doing it right take you through my fuck process can you say he's a nightmare? You're going to have to give me a definition of the fuck process. Where do you put your cock? No.

We don't start there, do we? I think we need to make sure he's doing that. A sweet, sweet kisses and nothings. Wow, girl, you're fucking... Do you speak to the moon before sex? Two questions going on there. Do you neck her head off still? Yeah. And then you take head off still? Yeah.

And then you take her clothes off? Yeah. And then you take her up the otter's pool? We get more dressed as we go along. It's like reverse past the past. Oh, nice. More jeans on. Put on your coat.

Because that's sexier, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too easy when people get naked. What if they've got 14 layers on? I've seen other people have sex at them as well. Where? Porn. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but that's not real, is it?

No, it's not real. Can you take me through your fuck process? We can get quick. Just imagine the two girls on a night out. This is Vanessa and Priscilla.

Vanessa and Priscilla. Vanessa and Priscilla. You're in the 40s in New York. In Graceland. And you want to fuck Priscilla. Look at her ass. Oh my God. Oh my God. Let me be number four.

Take me through your fuck process. Well, I'm in the bar. You're in the bar. You've already wooed her. Well, I'm in the bar. You're in the bar. Am I fucking in the bar? Or have I already seen Daniel? You've already wooed her, yeah. I've already wooed her? I'm back at the Holiday Inn. No, you're in the bar.

You're in the bar now. I've already wooed her. What's she doing? She's going on with me. Right. So that's irrelevant to me? Yeah, she's just there. That's just so Mark's involved.

Mark's the plan B. Mark's the plan B. Yeah. You're taking a bullet for... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fat and ugly. So, Scylla. Are we back?

Scylla? It's Scylla, isn't it? You're going for Scylla straight off the bat. Hello, young man. You'll have to speak up. I don't hear so good in this ear. Too much jizz. Ah, what am I going to write?

Can I be the plan B? You can. Go for it. What's her name again Vanessa it's felt it's Vanessa

so still I Vanessa feels where are we you're in a jazz club

in New York she's your agent she's fit my Jeffrey used to love this one no you're the same I'm a She's your age and she's fit. A jazz club or a jazz club? Ba-ba-ba-da-ba-ba. Ba-ba-da-ba. My Jeffrey used to love this one. No, you're the same age. I'm a spinster.

I never married him, but I love DJing. What? I'm gay. Oh, wow. You're the same age. Oh, you're so good at this. That was so good. That was incredible.

That was incredible. I don't know anything about this woman. Oh, hurry up and fuck me. You fucking limeys. So we're in a jazz club. You've chose this woman. She's 31 and attractive. I'm had a fucking

hot paper round 80 a day dicks but that's not my fuck process is it well you just tell me up

and fuck me what are you a fucking novice you go home you're in the taxi now okay oh I'm in a taxi

wow you're back at the hotel that was a quick taxi ride yeah might stay next door I live upstairs Oh, I'm in a taxi. You're back at the hotel. That was a quick taxi ride. Mike's staying next door. I live upstairs. I don't even know what we're doing in this car.

Everybody, one of your characters smokes. Jim and Beryl. This is crack. That's why I sound like this at 31. Go on your back and you're both just stood in the hall. Have we got a guest in? This is so Patreon vibes. Go on. You're both just stood in the hall now.

Yeah, oh. Why are we stood in the hall? You just walked in. This is not my fuck. You're creating a false fuck process. We don't need to be in the bed. She's having an asshole. How are you got in the bed?

What do you mean? Get in the bed, girl. Get your asshole out. He just has to ask nicely. Wait to say that. In the hall. There you go. Okay. Get in the bed, girl's having arsehole loads. How you got in the bed? What you mean? Get in the bed, girl, get your arsehole loads. You just test the arse nicely. Wait to see that in the hall. There you go. Okay, get in the bed, girl, get your arsehole loads. I'm in.

There you go. It's prosthetic though. Prosthetic arsehole. You'll need to clean it afterwards. I know, I nearly had one of them. Oh God. What are we up to at this point, Gael? That's my line.

Oh, we're in the fucking chicken shop it's gonna get a alarm oh aye so your fuck process is just fuck process is just get your ball mollered I mean

it's been working through where do you put your willy first what where am I putting it first you just place it

in her hand gently I'm genuinely worried about your fuck process things have changed now you can't just force your penis anywhere you've just got to present it into a lady's hand

and they go, that's how women like it. They like just to hold it. You just go with the flow, don't you? Yeah. You take each other's clothes off. She normally noses you off. Oh my God.

There you go. First place in the world. The dentures are coming out. She noses you off. Go straight in her pussy. Bish bash bosh. She jizzes. I jizz.

Go to bed. There you go. And if you're looking for a husband, Adam Rowe, ladies and gents. It's pretty accurate, isn't it, Mark? It's not how I do it. It's not? How do you do it? How do you win with Lady Mark?

You know, I genuinely don't even really... Not because you're a comic, so you're on stage. No, he just smashes a gig and then like, oh, here I am having a drink. You know, I never used to think that that was that big a deal because I was like, well, you're not exactly a fucking rock star. I thought like, if you really want... For one night only, you are, don't worry.

I know, but I guess as you do meet more people that way than, you know, like if you're working in an office or something, I guess. Oh, 100%. Like if you're on stage in a comedy club, I don't know about you, but I find every woman in there wants to fuck me. If I do well. I can feel it, do you know what I mean?

You can just see it in their eyes. That's why I won't let my wife come to Adam's Cakes because she knows she knows the power I can just like I look out sometimes after a big punchline

and there's just 200 women going yeah and my wife's arsehole she's already got it out she knows where it's at sit down please give me a chat up line you'd use Mark

I'm not a chat up guy do you know what I mean I'll just try and be nice and friendly and usually these days as well you just assume that they're you know

like they'll be nice until you know otherwise because you know you just kind of need to as I say sit back defensive mid and just you know

do you ask questions I used a great chat up line last week on Tinder when I was hammered drunk what did you say this girl was studying fine art at uni and I said

can we get to know each other so that we're both studying fine art? Oh my God. Fire! And it worked as well. It did work as well. Wow. And he showed people.

I showed him. Yeah. It's funny. I blanked it in the end. No. She bought me. She's probably a podcast fan. She did fine art.

That's why. Why were you in Gran Canaria on your own? What happened there? I went on a solo holiday last year, which is a bit maverick because i've got a wife and two kids but uh it got sanctioned and everything i wasn't having a crisis and just escaping for a bit no it got sanctioned but you were having a crisis escape it was really nice and what happened because not everyone can go on holiday on their own no i know and but to be honest it was more of a bus people on the terrace watch this struggle with that because Because, I mean, effectively,

when you're on the road a lot doing stand-up, you're just away yourself often. But you're usually just in a city in the UK or whatever. So I had that week and I wanted a break. And I was a bit self-conscious about being away on my own. So I thought, I'll go somewhere that's quiet and that's maybe not even got as many people that are like my age kicking about. Because I don't got as many people that are like like my age

kicking about because i don't want to see people that are all with their pals and i'm sitting alone but i thought you went to granken area so there'd be widowers that's a great move i didn't think it would be that bad and so when i was there i was like obviously i was getting bored so i just i did re-download the apps and stuff and the closest people to me were on a different island so i was just like i should have went to tenerife basically is what i learned but uh did you fuck any of the old women no i never that was a that was a slow answer that i mean it did cross my mind but no i basically just walked about for a week and didn't speak to anyone but it's you know you get used to doing

that like a lot on the road and stuff like i I was in Australia a while ago for gigs and stuff. And I mind one night, I was just in the flat on my own. I was just on Tinder and then got talking to this lassie and she's like, oh, it's my birthday. Lassie sounds so cute.

And I was like, I said, oh, what are you doing for it? And it was in Perth in Western Australia and there's like a, there's a Ritz-Carlton hotel there. And she's like, I'm in the Ritz-Carlton for you know

birthday me and a few mates and stuff and I was like oh cool and like I'd seen that place and I was like imagine what that would be like inside so I was like

oh you know like just this is the only cheesy thing I said I was like oh if you need any company or whatever like you know

like let us know and then she's like yeah yeah come on and like gave me the room number and I was like hang on a second I was like are you serious she's like yeah yeah come up and so I was like right number and i was like hang on a second i was like you see this she's like yeah yeah come up and so i got on instagram and stuff like that and checked

it was all legit right and she's chatting away to me and the others was like and normally sort of thing you're going this seems a wee bit too good to prove something off is this her birthday did you say this is her birthday right and um so she she's like come up and i was like it was a five minute uber away and i just thought let's just see what happens right let's just go and you know what's the worst can happen i was obviously worried that it's just gonna you know it'll be a setup and i'll get robbed or whatever but i just thought i'll take my chances and um she was chatting to me on instagram and stuff so i thought let's see what happens the worst thing i thought probably be like you know it'd be a bit yeah like they'd all laugh at me when i came in or something like that but i just thought i'll go and see what happens and you never know so i get to the ritz

calton and um i met i actually went in and there was a reception and i was like i didn't want to go up to the desk and then they're like oh you don't stay here and stuff so i went to the left and there was like an elevator and i go up and then i realized it was like the service elevator so i was just like fucking stuck somewhere so i went back down i just sat reception i text saying oh i'm here and so then like five minutes went by and then 10 minutes went by i'm going fuck right so i'm not getting a reply so i just went out and i was like about to order an uber back and uh she she texts me going oh my god my friends have had my phone all night they've been texting you and so they've been the ones that have set it up lies she just shit her pants that is a woman lying to you go on no because like

it seemed pretty legit because just the whole time they're seeing something a bit off right and then i was like oh fuck so i was just like oh well done well he's got me very funny you know i'm going to go home hope you have a good night and then she's like no no i still came up so i was like really so she came down she's letting her dressing gown and stuff like that and just had a laugh about it went up to the hotel and it's like an amazing room like massive and it's got like a big jacuzzi and stuff and i'm i didn't know how many people were going to be there or anything i turn up and it's just her and her two friends who are like in the jacuzzi bath thing oh so they get out and put on the bathrobes, right? Pong for a minute.

But these are the people that have had the phone apparently. So they get out of the bath, put on the bathrobes and they like go, they just leave the room. I don't know where they went. And what I realised then had happened, right, is that they had used her phone. She'd just recently got out of a relationship. And so they'd been texting like looking for someone for her to hook up with basically like on her behalf um so they then left us to like you know a little bit of privacy but then i just

like she wasn't in it like so they'd obviously been pushing her to do this and she was just kind of like i don't know whether she'd have been in it with somebody else or whatever but um i was just kind of it was just sort of weird awkward and i'm like well i said i'm just there and then she was like do you want to get in the bath and i was like well why hang on the jacuzzi or the bath it was like more of a bath this right so she then because jacuzzi sounds sexy, doesn't it? But you're like, do you want a bath? It was just a bath. And bam, obviously, bath is going to lead to something. And then we both just get in the bath. And we're both naked, right?

But then, obviously, you're waiting on some sort of signal that something maybe would happen. You've got your cock out in the bath, man. She never made a move. Do you want to get naked and get in a bath I don't know no but she was what does she mean

but she was still not and so it was just the most awkward and because I eventually realised like I'm not even at this point you just went to

someone's hotel room got a bath with them and got off aye that's exactly what happened and then because it was so weird because I realised like she's no

clearly no interest in doing it so i was just starting to chat to him like oh so what was your last relationship like oh this is so weird and then by the time you know 10-15 months passed and the bubbles which were covering a lot of uh you know like our fucking humility they they go away and then so it's just weird so i just go out and then I got ready and then the pals came back they'd given us like plenty of time for something to happen and I was just like

alright well do you know when you walked out her mates went what happened and she was like I don't know I went do you want to get in the bath and he just started talking

about my ex he let the bubbles go but you know I love that you did bubbles as well she's made him it was her birthday but it was the most surreal thing ever and but i remember just like going away and i said to the uber drivers like well you'll never guess the night i fucking had and it's like i okay nothing happened but it was you know it was a better night exactly so she made a move you just didn't see the

fucking signals no it was honestly the weirdest thing ever She made a move. You just didn't see the fucking signals. No, it was honestly the weirdest thing ever. It was so strange, but I just didn't feel comfortable, you know. Wow. Also, her mates are a bit fucking weirdly keen,

aren't they? They're a bit maverick. What we'll do is we'll find a random bloke without, you know, she's not met him, we've not met him, then he'll get there

and then we'll leave. I'm telling you right now, if you two ever want to do that for me with a woman, feel free. You have my blessing. what was the configuration of the bath it's just like a normal bath no but i'm saying were you end to end was she in between your legs she was one end i was what like a ghost in the middle were they at one end no they were at one end i can't remember but i it was weird it was a fucking weird experience but um but you don't want to make

i know what he means because i was at uni and uh my housemate at the time was seeing a girl from back home she came up and brought a friend and it ended up with her going oh i don't really have any anywhere to sleep and uh and my mate's girlfriend was like oh you can sleep with dan in his bed and she was like well if he doesn't sleep with Dan in his bed. And she was like, well, if he doesn't mind. So we got in bed and I didn't do anything. That's a bit different though. Because I was like, I don't want to be the guy who's like, well, now you're in the bed.

That's basically a contract. And the next day, Al was like, what the fuck happened there? I was like, I don't know. Nothing happened. He was like, she literally said the next day he didn't make a move or anything. But you don't want to be the guy who's like,

come here. And then he goes, I just saw you. I just saw you. Do you want a bath? There was a moment in the bath and she was like going, and you know,

I'm just not the sort of person that would get with someone that they've just met. And I'm like, no, neither am I. I'm sitting naked in a bath. That's different than naked in a bath.

You were just in a bed with a friend. You just don't want to be the douchebag. You can't presume. What did you talk to her? I went to bed with an erection. Did you talk to her though? Did you not get a vibe? Yeah, we had a night out.

No one had made a move and we went to bed and I just didn't like the idea of just lunging and leaning in for a kiss with a girl who was just

all of a sudden where's she gonna sleep if she's like oh no I don't want that in my head no you just go hey girl are you down to fuck

and then if she says no then right no worries time to go to bed just whisper it until she hears it hey girl are you down to fuck

in a scouse accent as well for no reason and then she goes what go and then she goes what go on and then she goes yeah go if you're not down to fuck do you want a bubble bath

come on people who want to fuck say what yeah I reckon that basically they are people who want to fuck say what I think the pals were just they were sort of more like

obviously pushing it and she just wasn't that way which is fair but it's a weird I suppose that's the closest I've got to like you know

just like like getting catfished or something but I know a guy right and I don't know fair but it's it's a weird i suppose that's the closest i've got to like you know just like like getting catfished or something but um i know a guy right and i don't know if you ever been catfished or anything adam would you say um i mean define catfished because i've met women off the internet who look like trucks in real life but like but they off the internet sounds weird as well, doesn't it? Come on. But, like, they have... Have they got an Eddie Stubart tattoo or something? But they're great if you want to move house.

Kiss that couch. Imagine them in a bed and they go, like, we're moving house, come on, get out. So I've met women who... The pictures of them on their profiles or instagram or whatever are them yeah but like they're flattering you know what i mean well i know a guy who had been chatting to this girl and um she was like oh do you want to go out for dinner tonight and he was like yeah he's like oh look i'm skint just just one second are you thinking of one

girl can i say it yeah say it a girl that I met because I remember this was years ago I met her on Plenty of Fish and you were like oh yeah she's alright and then we bumped into her in Pop World one night yeah but she like she was carrying drinks

two of them big fat tits but that was mad wasn't it that's what I'm talking about she was still shagged there. I'm doing June. Mad. I got catfished. Oh, mate.

What's her name? I'll bleep her. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. We're on the same page, aren't we? Sorry, Mark. Start your story again, because we can cut that bit and

i know i know a guy that um he was chatting to this lassie on tinder or whatever and she was like do you want to go for dinner tonight and he's like look i'd love to but i'm skint i get paid on friday if you want to wait to the weekend i'd love to go and she's like look i just want to go tonight it's my treat i'll pay you know like just i just want to go tonight and he's like great yeah look well i'll get the next one then that's that sounds cool so he goes to the restaurant and uh someone comes up to him and he kind of recognized her and she's like hey and he's like all right and uh he's like trying to think what's how he knows her and she's like oh what's happening he's like i'm just waiting on my date and she's like yeah it's

me and like this isn't just somebody that my date and she's like yeah it's me and like this isn't just somebody that looks a bit different in their photos this is like a different person now I don't know

about you at this point I would be like I'm off if I realised it's somebody totally different but he was just

obviously he must have been so awkward and hungry and he's going to get afraid so he's like he just goes along with it

and so they go into the restaurant and apparently it's actually like quite good chat everything's fine he's like, he just goes along with it. And so they go into the restaurant and apparently it's actually like quite good chat. Everything's fine. He orders like the cheapest thing on the menu, obviously, gentleman, whatever. She orders some stuff. Having a good chat.

The food comes, she orders like ribs and stuff. And he starts going to town on it. Proper eating like fuck, right? And then finishes her stuff. She goes to the bathroom and again five minutes go by 10 minutes go by and then he 15 minutes and he says to one of the waitresses listen can you just check on my friend in the bathroom she the waitress goes in comes back she's like i'm really sorry there's there's no one there and so she's done a runner oh

and she and he's sitting there she knows fine well he's not getting any money so she's done a runner oh my god oh god and she and he's sitting there she knows fine well he's not getting any money so she's went and fucking brass neck to do that and then so he has to just say

explain to them like listen you know this is what happened I've only got like half the money for this and they let him off it because they were just like laughing but

the fact that she's went out away to do that and actually insisted on it being that night knowing that that guy's got no money there's no way that that was not the first time she's done that oh yeah she's got it done before but someone's someone's done something to me she's gone fuck all men i'm gonna get them back she's fucking great he's like i'll have the soup she's like she'll have i'll have the mixed platter for two oh white chicks I honestly don't mad

I don't I don't even begrudge it I love the hustle I think it's great you've got to respect it's so brazen you've got to respect it in a way

the way she said it's not even affected her appetite the anxiety of it is not even registered she's like she's eating meat off the bone

she's like I'm away for a wicked shit and then just fucks off if she says that I'd pay anyway. Is that how you have sex? I'm away for a wicked shit. Oh, she sounds fucking quality.

But that's crazy. But I would have honestly, you know, I'd have flagged offside, you know, as soon as I realised I wasn't the same person, because you're just like, what the fuck? Oh my God. No, but Mark, as a comedian, is there not a bit of you, that awful bit of you that all comedians have where you're like oh this is awful isn't it this

is bad but it might end up as a funny story that's literally how i live my entire life if the second she turned up and was a different person i'd have been made up inside yeah i'd have been like fucking getting i can't wait to sit in that room yeah yeah well it's funny you say that actually because um i think we spoke about this a wee bit off the air but the i was in london um a couple year ago and i'd got this message on tinder and it was this lassie who had messaged me before the last time i'd been down and i'd just not seen the message and she was like oh you know i've seen your back in town the fact you didn't message it made me so horny and you know it really turned me on and stuff and i was like what the hell she's like and she's

basically i really want to say stuff yeah she's like yeah and adam ghosted me as well you know but and so i'm like oh buddy and i was like oh well cool like you know i was like well i didn't even see the message sorry like you know and then she was like do you want basically just arrange to like meet up and shag right but then as we got talking it turned out that she was she's like look i'm in a relationship and but we're like polyamorous and actually my boyfriend gets turned on uh by the thought of me shagging someone else right so i'm like cool you know whatever and again i'm like this seems there's something not quite right here and this time when i turned up uh what it was she was german i was like all right that makes sense because you know europeans and i mean that's what they're all like and they're

all a bit more open with that stuff and uh the guy was french like he was etienne or something his name was and um so meet up and it's funny because see when you've had that kind of chat beforehand like we've basically agreed he's going to shag already. Like the small talk is pointless. And like, so we just had this thing. So we have like one drink and then just go back to house. And you know,

it was great and had a good time. Oh really? Is it, is it, is it like that? It's like, this is not what we're here for. You almost don't have to do the dance

of like, will we, won't we? Yeah. It's almost more awkward in a way. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I've had that before

where it's a whole couple and you don't really know them and it's just like so we're just gonna yeah yeah the initial thing is awkward and then it's sound

was the boyfriend there for the drink no so this is I just met her right but so that's it we had a great time

the next time I'm in London I then message her again going oh do you want to like hang out again and she's like yeah I'd like to but

Etienne says the only way we can do it this time is if he gets to watch now we've all played some tough gigs in our time but that was one audience i was like i don't think i could perform under that kind of pressure no and but again see for the story i fucking i should have been all my mates oh fucking doing all that but I was just like I just kind of think I'm just sitting there fucking you know like

just sitting raging in the corner while he fucking punch fuck at me or whatever he'd probably be sitting there like fucking raging hard on or something like that

I'd imagine probably yeah I had the back of the room he was not on mic and can't tell the story so I'm going to tell it for him yes Jack did this he went to a hotel

and fucked a woman in front of her husband and for the first half an hour apparently he just sat on the end of the bed with her talking while he was in the corner on his chair. Was he French? He wasn't French. Can I tell him?

Santa Lynn. Santa Lynn. I'm sorry, my partner, Alan. I honestly, this sounds weird, I'd need to see a picture of Etienne. Why? Because if he's five foot six, diminutive, looks like an accountant, I'd be like,

yeah, Etienne, get in the fucking corner. But if he looks like a fucking offensive lineman. It's well better the other way around. Put some basketball player in the corner. Sit there. You're going to bum your wife's head off. What? So Etienne looks like Shaquille O'Neal. Yeah. And he's in the corner. And you're shagging his wife. And then all of a sudden, Etienne's like Shaquille O'Neal

and he's in the corner and then all of a sudden Etienne's like no which I am it is no I am it is no which because he's an idiot

I would much rather blow the back out of a woman who's got like a fucking chest of a fella. Yeah. Because then it's like putting him in his place, isn't it? I'm only five nine. What else have I got over this country? He plays for the Knicks, does he?

Yeah, sit in a corner. I'd call my boyfriend as well. I'd be like, you ought to... So stop fucking my wife in French. I don't speak French though, so I'd be like, where's the library? My God, I just took my wife right out of the bibliotech.

Yeah, some big fella. And I'm like, I'm bumming your life shut off. Yeah. You know what I'm saying about it? I feel like that is a natural lull. Le break? Le break. Le break.

How are we? Welcome back to part four of four of this week's Have A Word podcast. Everyone's in a great mood. Everybody. Everybody in the room is happy. Joe and you said before outside, Wallace and Perry were like, what were they doing? Rough housing.

Yeah, but like cuddling and stuff. Frolicking. Joe, we all get our own hotel rooms, don't we? We're all like very separate people. Girls don't do that. Joe, before like Seneca goes out... Do you all suss at each other in Squares? Do you all just get in bed with each other and have a cuddle?

Yeah. But I said... That's what me and Matthew do. Imagine if I rang Adam already. Imagine he's in a hotel room. He's going to come to your room first. He's going to have a little cuddle before the day starts. By the way, she nodded at the Squares and Sisseton thing.

In my head, it's a thing. But girls do all mad shit. Imagine I came to your room and went, come on, cuddle before they start in bed. I wouldn't mind that. Yeah, it's the toilet ones. There's hack, but that's weird, isn't it? Yeah.

We go to the toilet together on a night out. Why? I don't get it. Because of predators. What? In the girls' toilet? Safety in numbers. In the girls' toilet?

Jaguars, cheeses, threaders? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I wouldn't bathe you guys for a bath anyone i used to be honest but i know nothing happens i wouldn't mind if you want if we're in a if i knocked on your door right we're going off today well we're sharing a hotel in uh vegas we are and we're sharing one in new york so but let's have a cuddle see what i'm not gonna cuddle what i don't want to cuddle you are quite cuddly though yeah with a couple yeah Not in bed. Why?

I won't fuck you. Are you sure? I promise I won't fuck you. Put me in a taxi. On my dad's life. Put me in a taxi and send me home. Blankety blank. Blankety blank. Shall we do some advice? Are we ready to give some advice? Let's give some. Only kissing and all that.

I'm here to help. Here to help. I'll solve your problems. I'll tell you the best thing. We've got a jingle. I'm here to help. Here to help. I'll solve your problems. I'll tell you the best thing. We've got a jingle. If you want to do it, you'll be fine. If you don't, you might do time. People write in, Mark, specifically to ask me for advice

because I've just, you know, I've got it all figured out, as you can tell. Yes. This is from... Get the ham out. The ham's out. This is from Kian Fitzgerald. What's the crack, lads?

Irish lad living in London had a bit of a nightmare with an English girl. Finn. Yeah. Could you do it with an accent? Come on.

What's happening, boys? Fucking Irish lad living in London. Kian Fitzgerald, you know. Having a bit of a fucking nightmare. I'll do it like a stupid Dublin guy. Oh.

Stupid. Why is he stupid? He's bit his tongue as well. Yeah. He's got a bit of a fucking nightmare I do it like a stupid Dublin guy stupid why is he stupid he's bit his tongue as well he's got a bit of a speech impediment he's bit his tongue what's the crack lads Irish lad living in London had a bit of a nightmare with an English girl about two weeks after our first date

in a drunken state of an afters I can't I asked her to be my girlfriend she said don't you have a wife hello i'm an irish lad living in london oh i fucked it go on just do it normally it's fine i realized straight away my mistake but it was too late she had already said yes and was telling my housemates in a different room that we were official two weeks so hang, they've just banged? They've been seeing each other for two weeks

and him pissed and gone, well, you be my girlfriend. Ah, okay, go, go, go, yeah. Yeah, you can't do that. I woke up in the morning with her with the worst fear I've ever had in my life. I waited until after she cooked a fry up and revoked her status. Since then, she brings up the girlfriend thing a lot

and even jokes about it. I can still tell that she really wants me to ask her out officially we're now a month in which i think is still way too early need some advice how to handle this situation as i want to keep this girl as i think she's great crack but i want to delay our relationship status all the best oh come on here's a question uh on this subject obviously uh how many dates would you go on with a girl before you would be like right this has got to be official or exclusive at least i think it's more a length of time than a certain amount of dates you know because i think if especially like when

you get beyond being a teenager or something it's almost a bit like juvenile and to be like oh do you want to be my girlfriend kind of thing i think if you're you know you're going out with someone for a couple of months if you've been seeing them that length of time you're going out and then i guess it's like oh we're not going to see anyone else and that's it but you would want these things to happen naturally and feel natural at what point in that two months would you not sleep with or kiss on a night out someone else i think it depends on how much you like them doesn't it because it's like if you if you oh, this is somebody I could see myself being with, then even if, you know, the opportunity arose or whatever,

you know, you get to go to the Ritz Carlton or whatever, you'll be, you know. You're glad you went. But you've got to have the chat though. It's got to, you've got to have that confirming chat. I don't believe there's a length of time or an amount of dates. I've never asked Sarah to be my bit.

I know that's mad. She just never fucked off. I have asked her to be my wife I know that's mad she just never fucked up I have asked her to be my wife no you've got to go I've never gone will you be my girlfriend

where are you but you should do that to be fair I think like obviously like you know guys are bad for just not ever bringing that up

and waiting for the woman to do it typically and I think I'm probably guilty of that as well so I think it just depends

but like two weeks is far too early that's nuts like you don't know anyone after two weeks I was genuinely planning the wedding with Laura two weeks in

you were older though what? no the clock's taken at that age isn't it what do you mean? were you Mark's age? I was 33

yeah that's what I mean what do you mean older? you were older than some people what younger than some buildings. I know you think I'm dead old, but at the time I was 33. You can't be like,

it was a different era. It was a different era. The war had just finished. No, but you were both like, yeah, well, bang it. Let's just go for this. You were lonely and desperate. You weren't playing the field.

Yeah. I wasn't trying to play the field. Just as a muddy, muddy field. You both found your place. I went, weren't playing the field. Yeah. You both were. I wasn't trying to play the field. You weren't. Just as a muddy, muddy field. You both found your person, I mean, let's go for it. Yeah. You better. I was like, do you know what?

I'm not going to do much better. Oh, 100%. It was a practical decision. She's great, Laura's wonderful. What a woman. And she's got dead ears. But I still think you need to have that chat. It's not like a, I genuinely think if you're just seeing someone casually,

you could be doing that for six months. You're allowed to sleep with someone else. If you've never had a chat going, hang on, this needs to be official. I 100% agree. If you have not had the chat and gone, I won't see someone else.

The problem I have is if I really like someone, I want to have that chat about a month or two in. Oh, sometimes earlier with me. Like, I understand that though. Especially when you've got a bevy and you're like, sometimes earlier with me. I understand that though. Especially when you've got a bevy and you're like, fucking great.

Yeah. Like if I'm into someone, I'm like, mine. Like, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. I will say, hey, look,

I'm not going to see anyone else anymore. Just so you know. You do what you want, but I'm just going to let you know. And what I'm actually saying is, you will break me into pieces if you fuck someone else i know somebody said this is one recently kian in this situation that is a mad move to literally drunkenly have the conversation wake up finish his full english breakfast and go status revoked are you saying with that what a fucking what a ball move

these eggs are a bit too runny for my liking hen here we're done but no i think um no you've definitely like once he said that like once once the conversation has been broached at all there's it's either right you are going out or you're not seeing each other at all so i think and if you still want to see her then i think he's kind of got to going out or you're not seeing each other at all so I think and if you still want to see her then I think he's kind of got to yeah

shit or go off the port yeah he's essentially going to actually do one of four other people off a go oh that's mad this is by the way

this is how most British couples have got together throughout time they've just got drunk and gone yeah this will do and just cracked off

this revoking thing it's unbelievable. And she's stuck with him as well. She's gone, right, I'll wait. Because he's going to do it eventually, isn't he? Have you ever said something in drink, though, that you've wanted to take back? Yeah.

And have you took it back? Yeah. Yeah. And then the girl went, you're a cunt. And I went, yeah. What did you say? I went, we should be boyfriend, girlfriend. And the girl was like, yeah, I think we should.

And Laura was like, we're manning camp. You want to remove our manager now that both the kids are asleep i want to tell you this i think we should be exclusive i've said it i've said it one day i could think about settling down with you yeah we're married with a mortgage and two kids but i'm ready to commit it to all now. Stay out of the garden office though, eh? So you said to a girl, that's my boyfriend and girlfriend, she went, no, you're the cunt.

No. We got drunk with a girl that I'd known from back in the day. And it was in Manchester and we ended up on a night out and we'd always had a bit of a thing together. And literally in the drunken throes of a pachon, I think we had a bonk on a couch,

I was, we were like, Couch sex is so good, when you're just like, you're just on the couch, and then you just fuck. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Like you don't even, you don't even have time to move to the bedroom, you're just like, my dick, your pussy, now, bosh.

We were in the British Heart Foundation, that's how, that's how passionate it got. I'm starting to worry about sitting in this fucking thing and i did the thing of like we should be we should go out and she's like the rooster totally should and then in the morning i i can't remember exactly how i worded it but i revoked and she did the self-respecting thing of going you are a twat aren't you and i was like yes i am i apologize and i don't think i've spoken to her since she said the same thing

because she was fucking annoyed because i think she really wanted you i don't know if she really wanted me but it is and they'll hold on to it for at least 24 hours it is i think that is it's a yellow card offense by me yeah but for this girl i mean kian must be fit what was her name big barrel yeah big barrel she actually worked at the british i am i told an ex who'd done something wrong that i would forgive her for it and then wanted to not forgive her anymore which is quite bad isn't it oh i know? What, you broke the close of the... It was early doors, no wonder. Yeah.

No, no, no, we're not talking about the same thing. But that's, I mean, that's another time when I was like... And there's one of Adam and Carl's telepathic moments. No, lads, you know the name. Think of the name. Put it on a piece of paper. What? Fucking David Blaine, my relationship past.

Shagging David Blaine. That doesn't sound like it's going to last basically i don't think it's i think kian's a fucking player i think i was gonna play he's he literally revoked relationship status after she'd made his breakfast and she was like you're not gonna you're not if she's in the middle of cooking you know fucking bacon you're not gonna go by the way finish that but we're not you're waiting so you're not going to go, by the way, finish that butty, but we're not. You're waiting so you're not hungry anymore. He said she's joking about it a lot. Yeah,

because she feels bad and she wants it to be a thing. He needs to cut ties there, mate. So is she going to get it broken? Oh, do you know what? Just fucking. He said at the end, like, she's great.

I don't, I want to keep her around. Yeah, just do being happy then. Just be with her and stop being a big fucking knobhead. Just be a fella. She wants to be your bird. You want to be a fella, probably.

She cooks a cracking breakfast. Like, just shut up and do it. Just come on, Steve. Just... Sorry, Cian. I just hope they didn't go, by the way, we're not boyfriend, girlfriend, and can you do the dishes as well, actually?

Yeah, status revolt, and they're not cleaning themselves what are you waiting for why is everyone so scared of love this is what i've been saying i believe this is what i've been saying you know what i mean like just just go for it just just put it up you need it's about frequencies give out some love wavelength ask mark that i bet he's banging to it mate are you into the law of attraction

aye a wee bit aye but it's not the only thing but it's important yeah 100% I actually believe I think belief

is a powerful thing like I think I can get carking spots anywhere manifestation I can manifest try

and manifest that in West London on a fucking Saturday afternoon there's two main things you need to do like one is like you just need to

it needs to be 100% belief that that's what would be there it can't be a fake sometimes it needs to have already happened you're speaking as if

it's already happened and secondly you need to be able to be willing to just take a disabled space if one can do it like that I got one

aww you had me you know you fucking beautifully fucking done he's right though belief is a big part of it but you need to genuinely be like yes I believe

and you can speak as though it's already happened as well that helps yeah present it needs to be present like the affirmations present

like I am a millionaire that's an example you're not no I know keep saying it though I feel like you've done that a bit Adam to be fair

yeah 100% like I said to Dan in the first half today I get everything I want like everything I've ever wanted I've got and he's not spoiled at all

like like eventually yeah like if I want something I get it it just doesn't it never doesn't happen at some point I feel like like eventually yeah like if i want something i get it it just doesn't it never doesn't happen at some point i feel like sometimes it's like that whatever you want to call it the universe whatever it gives you what you need not what you want so sometimes the thing

you want you won't get it when you know i definitely don't get what i need at all you don't like no i need psychiatric help and therapy i don't really get that. But he doesn't want it. I do it, like, career-wise, friendships. Like, if I want something. But, like, relationships, the people I've wanted to be with, I've ended up with. Like, it is what it is. It just happens.

And it's the power of. That's the power of love. You know? Right, we've got a confession fucking hippies your life will change mate you'll start banging weekly if you go

I don't want to bang right say it out loud as well right I'm going to get lower on my frequency oh it is?

Yes, he mixed it up. Here we fucking go. It's a sneaky one. Yes. Check out the frequencies. My name is DJ Spin Doctor. Get on my wavelength. There's no parking because Mark's in a disabled spot.

Go on. Ooh, there's an A in it. What? That's just in today's word. Is it a J? No. I haven't checked yet. This is from Sam.

How are we lids? A couple of years ago, me and a few mates lived together and had a couple of lady friends who often came round. After one night on the shite, one of my mates and one of the girls, who was an OnlyFans model, slept together. He fell in love with her and was obsessed, even though she told him it was nothing more. Fast forward a couple of weeks of him being weird,

she invited me round to ask how to deal with him. Needless to say, we banged and carried on doing so for a good few months without being able to tell anyone as it was his house I was staying in. The other girl we were friends with then also came on to me, but I said I wouldn't unless it was a threesome. She accepted, also not knowing me and the other girl had been sleeping together. As you can imagine, this was just straight in, so I had to keep a secret. I carried on sleeping with this girl and filming some of her only fans content even though my mate was in

love with her do i deserve some some germaine penance or is this fair game an unbelievable email and then also the doctor said medically your dick's too big and that was about the time when i won gold at the o the Olympics have a word with me I am drowning in pussy and they just they can't like get over me because I fucked them too good he is obviously

manifested that there's a lot of attraction also OnlyFans model means nothing there's some fucking not nice looking women there's some hopes

that have loads of vaginas on yeah that's not saying anything to me. It is. She's an OnlyFans lad. Nah. So she's a, you know, performer, content creator. She's keen.

This is also, I think, not real. I think I could start an OnlyFans. Do you reckon there's a market for that? Hairy arseholes? For who? Who's it for? Men. No, women.

No. I mean, no, I'm a bit of a beard, aren't I? But you don't get to choose that. You can't go, hey, this is Adam's arsehole. It's my new OnlyFans. Don't be getting on it if you're a gay guy. I only want fucking lady pounds. Or dollars.

You can't. If you put your content out there, anyone can jizz to it. It's a fact. Terrible people could watch this. Murderers could be watching this. Murderers are watching this. Let's do the math. Oh, do you think anyone's had a wank to have a word?

Yeah. Are you joking? Yeah. Am I? Yeah. Which bit? People shag to it. They've told us.

Where people's fucks are on track now? People sleep to this. Let's have a word and chill. No. Yes. Yeah. There was a fellow who got in touch with us ages ago saying like he had like this fantasy of me and you fucking his wife don't remember that yeah the ashton yeah he come up to us at pins and was like

hey well it was so bad because i never got his number he literally was like i've had a fantasy for a while of you and dan fucking my wife like and I'm not messing if you're ever up for that. And then when you take a picture with her, and we got a picture with her in the middle, and he was like, that's exactly what I want. I'm telling you right now. By the way, as well, think Shaquille O'Neal. Why?

Because my man was a large man. But yeah, it's people's fantasies, isn't it? Like we're in their ears four hours a week and we're in their mind 24-7. Right now, someone's wanking to you, man. Let's give him something to go for, Mark. Come on. Do you ever see like porn and

they've just got like some song or whatever on in the background? If it's like a home, like an amateur one, it would be weird as fuck for you if one of them was on Pornhub and he just had you guys talking in the background if it's like a home like an amateur one it would be weird as fuck for yous if one of them was on porn hub and he just said you guys talk in the background oh my god next up there's probably some only fans people that watch this as well that could just do that these are in the background for a laugh yeah put us in a video someone put us in porno and send us it oh i hate when they've got stuff on in porn all right when they're banging and it's just tvs on you're like what the fuck why are we

shagging to wake up what gardener's world you need to get somebody else's phone to do the fucking shazam i uh yeah i would you be in someone's only fans content if you're a single man how about you uh as a face, just your cock and balls and legs. Yeah. And feet. Cock and balls and legs. What a great fucking handle for an OnlyFans. My joke was not funny, so I'm not going to say it. Yeah, I'd be in it.

Would you get sucked off on OnlyFans? Yeah. And no one knows it's you unless you tell them. You go, that's my balls. Oh, mate, I'd have my fucking social handles in. Like and subscribe. Yeah, I'd be into it. Have you ever filmed yourself having sex? What?

Have you ever filmed yourself having sex? Oh. What with who? Anyone? You were at 864. Have you ever made your own little personal sex tape? Yeah, but I had a flip flop at 864. Have you ever made your own little personal sex tape? Yeah, but I had a flip-flop at the time. I fucked a girl with a flip-flop.

Mark, have you filmed yourself? No. Never? You bastard. Never? No, well, I think it's more, I think you'd maybe do with a girlfriend or something, so I've just been mainly single.

Yeah, you can't whip out the tripod for a one-night stand, can you? There was a girl I was seeing and we filmed a lot. And then there was a girl on a one night stand who sucked me off and was like, film it and you can keep it, can't you? So I did, because that's hot in it.

Huh? You had a girlfriend who you filmed a lot with? It wasn't a girlfriend. It was a girl I was seeing. It was one of the six. One of the 50. So you filmed it and then you went like by the way we're not boyfriend girlfriend just as you know you know i'm revoking

that i know i said it while you're sucking me off but actually is there any you know you know because you've been manifesting you know success is there any part of you that thinks oh that could go somewhere has she got the no sd cards? No, they were just on my phone. Right, right, right. SD cards? SD cards? From a camera? I thought it was from a camera.

I don't know how floppy it is. Because the thing is really... I'm sorry. SD cards go in like the A6400s we used to use. Maybe she's got a proper set up. I think he always means phone, doesn't he? Yeah, it was always on my phone. And I deleted them when we stopped seeing each other, even though I didn he always means phone, doesn't he? Yeah, it was always on my phone and I deleted them

when we stopped seeing each other even though I didn't really want to because it felt wrong to wank to them afterwards. You're such a gentleman. I mean, no, I think it is wrong

to wank to them afterwards. So I deleted them and I don't delete anything on my phone. Like, there's my entire, like, I just don't.

You've got to delete the pictures if you've broken up with someone. If she's not, she's not. She too. It's like a memory. I can wank to memories. I do often.

I'm a time-travelling masturbator. Cartoon. I absolutely am. Ready you go. If I'm having imagination wank, I'm going back. I'm going 99 to 2011. Is that who Priscilla is, baby? Oh, my God. I'll tell you right now as well.

Women. Here we go. Here we go. Let's get some home tunes in. We'll get this verified. Go on. Women put a fucking show on when the camera comes out. Really? Juggling and everything. Fire breathing. The

girl in question, and I will tell you the name afterwards and you know who it is. Yeah, you've met her? You have met her. God. She was great anyway. She was good in bed. But when we filmed stuff,

she was trying to get the fucking porn Oscars. Yeah. Phenomenal. Please drop box me if you've got to. why do you want to watch me fuck a woman i just surely some of your lessons out there you know that would be a new 20 pound page sign me up i'll do it cue them up come on I knew this day had come come on I think we need to give this our penance

for just lying what was the question it was the thing about he slept with an OnlyFans girl and then he had a threesome my mate was seeing

someone but she just wanted to your penance is again not to rise into this podcast ever again with your fucking bollocks lies

oh I'm just too good looking women keep falling in love with me in the street they're throwing money at me no

what do I do? Right, we've got two quick have a words to finish us off. Oh, have we? Thanks for coming in, Mark. Where can everyone find your socials and stuff? And you've got a new special out as well. I've got a special out, Mark Jennings' original sound. It's called Available for Free on YouTube,

filmed at the King's Theatre in Glasgow. I haven't watched it yet yet but it is so visually excellent it's my mate Nick Afton who's like a director like I was just so lucky that I knew him and so we got the right gear for it and stuff and we filmed it as much as you can like basically off your own back

like as close to like you know a proper Netflix special as you could and I was really happy how it came out so aye, noah that's on YouTube for free follow us at Mark Jenk on most things and I've got a podcast

called Some Laugh as well which is the YouTube channel with Stuart and Steve with Stuart McPherson and Stephen Buchanan aye so and we've had loads of your mob in

Ishan and Vittorio and all that sort of stuff as well so definitely I'm mob I love that you know they're just men they're just men.

They're just ordinary men, but they are mob, aren't they? And they are though. Innocent men. Innocent men, yeah. We're just innocent men. Right, this first one is from Michael McKenna. All right, lads. Mickey.

Can you have a word with my missus? She's got this foot spa thing that you wrap on your feet and it gets rid of all the dead skin. She started peeling all the horrible skin off and just leaving it all over the floor. It's fucking minging. Dirty.

Yeah, that's nasty. I'm not the tidiest man in the world, but I don't want me fucking dead feet all over the gaff. You don't leave skin on the floor. I don't. What do you do with the toenail and fingernail clippings? I eat them. They're meant to go back in.

What? I eat me fingernails. I don't eat my toenails. Oh, thank you. You can't. If I bite my nails, which I do when I'm drunk now. You don't eat them. I do swallow them if I'm drunk.

Do you reckon you could get your foot to your mouth? Absolutely not. Some people do do that, don't they? That's the least flexible person you've ever met. Am I? Are you? What? Am I? Are you? Am I? That is...

Yeah, he is. I'm the least flexible person. Am I? Finn's still swapping. He's absolutely popping. That is my limit. Oh, it's going to snap. Don't do that.

You need to put this behind a payroll, Shirley, for fuck's sake. Oh, God. I don't know if I want to see them videos now. So, yeah, it's just me, isn't it? Yeah, it's... Pick your skin up. Do you know my cleaner left a...

A turd in the bug. Yeah. She left a... I clipped my fingers and I hadn't done it there. And my bedroom, I came back from Ireland, my bedroom was absolutely spotless. They do my room once a week. She'd just left one right on the windowsill

as if, I think to say, don't leave those around you dirty cunt. It's like a horse's head in your bed. It's just, it was a little, I was like, oh, there it is. A man's toenail on your windowsill. Come on. Come on, bro.

Could have been worse than that. No, I think that's like, if there's toenails on the floor, that's her job to clean it up. If she's the cleaner, fucking hoover the floor. Yeah. Toenails included. It was a bit.

Fucking putting it on your windowsill. Don't do it over the bin. What? Don't do it over the bin. I do it out of the window. I just feel like it makes it easier. I just open the bedroom window and just have a little clip and it all disappears.

Your feet. What? Yeah, he's just swinging it down. I am actually very flexible. flexible ass on the windowsill i have fallen out a few times no my do you not just think it makes it easier if you do them after you've been in the bath then they're very soft and they're easy to clip and they don't like ping off yes right okay pick your skin off right one more to round us off get a little fucking hoover this is from hannah campbell hi lids i work in a retail shop in liverpool one that is centered around

kids and family in its products on a busy saturday afternoon me and my manager were on the shop floor where we noticed the dad with his two daughters fiddling with the storage in the lower part of the pram he had myself and my manager gasped in horror when we saw him taking a potty out of the pram for his daughter to use right there in the shop surrounded by customers my manager was quick to run over as his daughter was getting ready to squat down and tell him that this was not permitted in our store he left in a huff only going as far as the outside of the store right by the window for his daughter to use it there surely that's inappropriate as there's so many people around and you don't know what creeps there are hanging about and there's literally, there's toilets two minute walk away.

The guy subsequently made a complaint to us too. Have a word with parents who think that because they have kids, they can do whatever they want in any environment. Or have a word with me and my manager if you think we're in the wrong. Question, they brought this potty with them. Yeah.

They didn't just use one that was in the store. It was in their pram. Can I just say that parents are the most entitled people on planet Earth. Yeah, we are. Like, without a shadow. Parents and old people. But parents are number one.

You should respect your elders. Why? Because you've emptied the sea of the fish, you stupid old bitch. Shut up. Yeah. They love fish. Parents and a fish. I look over at him and he's like, I've got kids.

I couldn't give a fuck if you've got kids it's not you Dan but like people who use that as a thing I've got kids I don't give a fuck what do you think man I feel like

I guess when you've got a kid in that scenario probably you're like the you're actually towards social norms because out the window it's kind of like

when you're when you're drunk and you're walking home and you need a piss somewhere and you just do it in the street or something like that I feel like it's almost

the same thing of like you just start you stop giving a fuck about what anyone else is thinking because you're going I just need to get piss somewhere and you just do it in the street or something like that. I feel it's almost the same thing of like you just stop giving a fuck about what anyone else is thinking because you're going, I just need to get this sorted. I can only imagine that's the only way that people would do that. Mate, I mean, honestly, if this is in the middle of the Lego shop and you're like, I'm sorry

darling, do you need to go plop plop? Right, two seconds. I'll just whip this out next to a fucking next to an Ecto-1. Oh, what's the problem? It's just a bit of poo. It's just shit. It's just shit. How's it going to poo?

Can I have it in a wee? Oh, mate. Do you think, though, if it's a potty they've got with them, like the kid was too young to use like the bathroom and the shop? So what else they might do? No, once you're out of nappies,

the next stage is, there's no, like you can use potty training to sort of get there but if they're so young they can't use the toilet they should have fucking nappy on yeah but what if you've run out of nappies what what if they haven't got any nappies or they've accidentally left the outside oh just shit in the lego shop on the floor no just get to the toilet get to a toilet no and just fucking hold your kid over it so right so the kid goes god i'm pooing

there's no time that's why that's why it's in the toilet so you go here's the emergency it's either it's either the potty or the floor and then would you rather be poo on your floor and a little bucket of rot with me hey this is pre-planned this is some guy going we're potty training and it's so important that we don't break the cycle of the potty training so i must have my little isabella have a shit in the lego shot so i'm a parent and that's rank frank if you were caught short and it was like somewhere quiet with a potty would you poo in a potty imagine you're this dad and you're like oh there's no one here and i need a shit do you know i thought about this on the uh we had a replacement bus service from belfast to nuri

and then the train from nuri to dublin and uh uh my belly started doing a little bit of a rumble and we just set off and i was like if i had to shit myself and we're on an irish motorway how does that play out do i just go stop the coach and then go and plop on the side of a motorway you drive off right he'd have to drive off if he had any sense of humour yeah I think kids can poo the pants it's not the end of the world

it's not the end of the world but like it depends what they've had to eat I'd rather that than they get the biff out in the Lego shop I wouldn't do you know what

if you need I've got IBS mate I've got IBS if you need to go I'm not going to judge you if your kid needs to have a little shite next to the fucking Buzz Lightyear

I'm all for it just make sure that it doesn't go anywhere else i think it's worse if you let your daughter do it and then you get on afterwards that is worse isn't it that looks irresponsible oh it's nice and warm oh hey but you think it's more of a middle class entitled person doing this yeah yeah yeah like just some have some working class shame about you. Don't get me wrong. I've taught my daughter to do a bush wee when she needs to. We're out and we're at the park. We're not crying

going, oh, what are we going to do? Get around fucking... That's great. She goes fucking renegade. But that's not the middle of L1, is it? It's the middle of a somewhat L1. There's no one round. I don't mind that at all. Like, that's fine. She gets a bit of privacy

to go and fucking have a waz. But in L1, that's maverick. Yeah, but if a toddler shits in a Disney shop and no one dares to see her, does it even happen? But if it's Saturday afternoon and everyone's going,

what the fuck? Don't look. Just go and buy your fucking Buzz Lightyear and shut up. Buzz Lightyear, Lego, getting two shout-outs there. Don't look at the kid shitting. Yeah, don't look. Just go and buy your fucking Buzz Lightyear and shut up. Buzz Lightyear Lego. Two shout outs there. Don't look at the kid shitting. I'm so surprised you two have taken

this stance. They don't mean it. They're just going in one direction for the fuck of it. And I'm not arsed either. Shit, where you at? Podcast over. Mark Mark thanks for coming in thanks so much for having us congratulations on 250

go and watch Mark's special I'm going to do that maybe tonight actually how big is it there? 1500, 1700 beautiful tickets in Glasgow Finn have you got something to play us out? Yeah, we do.

Quiz tickets as well. Go and get them, please. Go on my Twitter. Oh, yeah. Talking about Glasgow. I'm in Glasgow on Monday the 13th. We added an extra show. Tuesday the 14th at the Glee in Glasgow.

It's sold out. There's an extra show on Monday. The rest of the shows in that week are sold out apart from 17th, 18th. Hang on, 16th, 17th, 18th. Yeah, Saturday the 18th, I'm in sale at the Arts Centre. There is a few tickets left for that. And then we are wrapping this fucking tour up.

But Glasgow on a Monday, it would be nice to see you there. So the tune this week is from a band called more in love love spell luv uh this is their new tune lazy there's a couple of lads that also play in my band in their class so go and check them out everyone happy yeah bye felicia cheers All of my friends think I'm lazy But I'm just as lost This year's been driving me crazy I'm tired cause you're tongue-tied Got so much on my mind Go home and get out of bed If I don't leave then I come back

Just wasting time Been up all night I've been looking for a way to find you through the days But I'm stuck inside my brain and I can't escape All of my friends All of my friends All of my friends think I'm lazy All of my friends think I'm lazy But I'm just stressed out This year's been driving me crazy

It's the moment I step into the outside Is the moment I snap into your shot I'm lonely Both of my friends think I'm lazy I'm fine, but I don't have time to mash around We don't ever talk, I'm lonely How long do you not think about the way I feel? And the way I see? I don't wanna go home, but it's easy to know Would you pick up the phone so we don't get alone?

All of my friends think I'm lazy But I'm just stressed out This year's been driving me crazy It's the moment, the step into the outside in the morning All of my friends think I'm shy in the morning All for my friends think I'm lazy I'm stressed out I'm stressed out Been living on the couch

For days and I can't find a way out Cause I'm stretched out My thoughts are filled with doubt And I'm still trying to find a way out All of my friends All of my friends All of my friends, all of my friends, all of my friends think I'm lazy All of my friends think I'm lazy, I'm too stressed out This shit's been driving me crazy

It's a moment, a second, the outside, the morning All the rough and sick, I'm lazy All the rough and sick, I'm lazy This shit's been driving me crazy It's a moment, a second, the outside, the morning See you next time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I wish that stopped