Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #251 with Dan Tiernan & Mike Rice - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 20, 2023

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Hello everyone, before we start today's amazing episode of Have a Word, we've got to quickly tell you about our tours. We're on tour! I'm on tour, Dan's on tour. Tickets for my tour, I'm going all over the UK, adamrow.co.uk. Tickets for his tour at dannightingale.com. A lot of these shows are sold out, some are being added in cities that aren't currently listed. Keep checking regularly on adamrow.co.uk and dannightingale.com and also before we get to this week's public episode we've got to tell you about our patreon page the biggest patreon membership in the uk for a reason starting from just three quid a month what did they get great value they get a patron exclusive every wednesday which is unfiltered have a word bullshit just me adam and the boys and it's the best podcasting we do and then on top of that the world famous-famous Have A Word Patreon specials.

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the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed. Get on me. Just behave. Is that? Are we good then? We're starting.

We're on. All right, we're on. We're on, yeah. Fuck. You scared of technology, Mike? Huh? I am so, I'm completely like technically challenged. I'm so dumb.

Challenged in quite a few ways, really. Huh? Challenged in quite a few ways. Oh, yeah. I'm so stupid. I can't stop ways really huh challenged in quite a few ways oh yeah i'm so stupid i can't stop shitting as well is this a recent thing or no i know it's i've all i've always had it but recently it's it's kicked up a notch ibs huh i think so like like this morning so i'm staying with uh hattie preston you know great uh comics great and i took i think i took like and her house is so nice It's like lavender smelling towels and everything.

And I just, the shits I took. The shits on her towel? Huh? Well, I just thought, I wrongly thought, I didn't think it was going to be liquidy. So I thought it'd be funny, but then it just was watery and I just destroyed it. A towel?

Yeah. So you thought it would be funny to just poo on her towel? Yeah, but if it came out as like a solid kind of poo, but then it came out like just and i was like oh fuck that's not good you know you're never staying in mind all your towels have got poo on anyway but you know do you know what i got uh i got reminded of the other day because i was back home in uh i was back home on the farm in ireland and my mother told me about because i was just obviously i was back home and i was just sh. And my mother told me about it because I was just, obviously I was back home

and I was just shitting like a madman. Because I know the, because my parents know, so it's like I can really be myself and just spend all, most of the time in the toilet. So, but my mother used to write notes. She had to write notes to the school for me

and I hadn't been diagnosed with that. And so I would just have a note on me at all times that Michael like needs to shit a lot So like I'd be I'd like a shitting license. I swear to God It was so sick cuz then like anytime the middle class I'd be like waving there my little note I'd be like I need to go for it. I need to go for a fucking shit Like those kids in our school those kids in our school who just went sick I mean, yeah, like mad like not like vomit like don't mean my go say yes Oh sick. Yeah, those kids in our school who just went sick. Do you know what I mean? Not like mad, like not like vomit. Like, do you know what I mean?

Like go sick. Like I'll go sick. Like there was kids in our school. Clearly disabled and we didn't know. Yeah, yeah. They were disabled. It was like, well, you know, Alan goes sick.

So sometimes like if Alan got a bit fucking, he'd be like, right, Alan needs, Alan could just go, I need to go for the walk or I'm going to go sick. And they'd be like, yeah, go on, Alan. Yeah. There's no Alans.

I once wrote, you were Alan for a bit. I was Alan for a bit. I'm a power ballad artist. Go on. I wrote a letter to Mr. Remember Mr. Capstick? Yeah. I once wrote... You were Alan for a bit. I was Alan for a bit. I'm a power ballad artist. Go on. I wrote a letter to... Remember Mr. Capstick? Yeah.

The one who used to fake a note. I can't remember what the note was about. But the first letter of every line said, Capstick's a cunt. And I really thought I'd gotten away with it. But it was so bang on.

He's a grown man. I was like 14. Ah, it's just me. Capstick's a cunt. You devil. Like you're mad at it was like 14 going ah it's just me it's just capsticks and cunts you devil like your mum had done it imagine if she

had done that though imagine how much trouble if your mum had done that accidentally and then you get in trouble for it she'd probably agree

with me he is a cunt yeah there was a fucking there was a fella in our in our class

that had unbelievable like handwriting you know so people would always get him to write notes to the fucking, for the teacher to get out.

Like, they just want to go with Dawson, so they get him to write notes and they have to go somewhere. And one of the lads in our class was, like, just a real tick fucker. You know what I mean? He could fucking barely read. He was a tough cunt, though, you know. So he came up to your man, he's like, hey, can you write me a note for the teacher saying that I have to,

you know, that I have to leave class for some reason here can you write me write me a note for the teacher saying that i have to you know that i have to leave class for some reason so your man writes him the note anyway your man puts his hand up goes up to the teacher with the note the teacher looks down at low and he goes brian you need to go to the gynecologist yes yes oh lad well like our school lad was especially the first few years that I was in it it was just absolutely insane like it was from like the top down our principal was a lad called mad lad

he was called mad lad he was out of his mind he would just he would run around kicking pieces of rubbish and and and shouting at them he go whoa and he built like a plastic bottle and he go whoa and he was just insane but that bled down through the whole school so there was just like like fuck all discipline people he's running the fucking gaff that's right so it's just this air of wildness and madness like no discipline like i had lads in my class who'd stick up their hand. I remember one time we had this female teacher,

he put up his hand and he just said, miss, she was like, yeah, what is it? What is it they're calling me? He said, you know what you need? A good stiff cock up the arse. And she just like pretended she didn't hear it because she was like, she knew nothing would be done, right? But one time we had lads. Pretend she didn't hear it. Yeah was like, she knew nothing would be done, right? But one time we had, lad.

Pretended she didn't hear it? Yeah. Miss. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know you need a big cock up your ass, miss? Yeah. No, there she goes. Yeah.

But, oh, lad, it was insane. One time, this is true. When I was in second year, so I was 14, and this is the greatest day of my life. We had a riot in the school. We had a revolution. So like we, I was in second year, so I was 14, and this is the greatest day of my life. We had a riot in the school. We had a revolution. So, like, we, I swear on my life, this is the greatest day. Like, strange ways.

Oh, lad, it was like fucking Lord of the Flies. We went fucking, we went there. We all went sick. We all mad. So, basically, what? You had a revolution? What were you trying to overthrow? Mad lad and the boys. So boys so basically what happened right there was a uh there was a a uniform day or we were supposed to

get a no uniform day right on a friday and they took that away from us so we were always in uniform you know it's like catholic you know very pedo catholic vibes you know what i mean like we're all catholic school huh we went to catholic school yeah you know that you know what I mean? We went to Catholic school. Huh? We went to Catholic school. Yeah. You know the crack. So we were promised a no uniform date. That got taken away from us. No explanation, no justice. We just don't have it anymore. Now, there's a fella in our sixth year,

a man named Matty Cowman, a great man, a wild man, a leader. Cowman? Cowman. Matty Cowman. He was a man that was a cow. Did you ever see a cunt he just looked his hair was that black

and his face was that white he was just like did you ever see a cunt that's just in black and white there does do you know what I mean used to be a cowboy yeah

he was just a fucking cow of a man but he had this wild so that wasn't his surname huh no right okay

he was just Matty but he became Matty Cowman right and he had this spiky hair like dennis de menace he had these fucking wild glint and eyes he was just had this fucking uh you know kinetic fucking energy he was a he was a madman he used to go out with my cousin should he be nearly riding her through the wall you know he had a fucking arsed him like a sewing machine but so she'd be smiling from she smiled from ear to ear that whole year anyway uh so next thing what

happens is right me and my friends are coming back from uh lunch and we just hear this like low din of a fucking oh what the fuck is that you come out onto the pitch cowman has a tie wrapped around his head and he has a fucking bower on do you know bower on so bower on is an irish instrument it's like made out of fucking cow skin fucking funnily enough right and you have this little kind of a wooden spoon which that's a good yeah a wooden spoon a wooden spoon miss money penny i wouldn't i'll hit you with a wooden spoon. Give her a little slap of a wooden spoon. I've missed that James Bond. I've missed that scene in James Bond.

Have you not seen that Sean Connery interview? From back in the day? What, when he slaps Moneypenny with a spoon? No, he's getting interviewed on the news, to promote his new film. And the woman interviewing him like female reporter She goes you've made some like comments about women in the past and like sort of keeping them in line like sort of Like physicality and stuff. So do you still stand by all that like with the new film coming out? He's standing by you phone words. He goes I don't, Ronald Koeman, so he's brought in the new James Bond.

I don't think it should work. 442. I play Bergwijn on the level. Give him a slap. He literally says, I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to give a woman a little slap. Give her a little slap. And the woman goes, you want to slap women? He goes, no, it's a last resort.

If you've tried to reason with them and they won't see sense, just give them a little slap. And it has aged terribly. Is he dead? Oh, he's dead now. Sean Connery.

Oh, he's dead. He's dead duck. Worm food. Stage name as well, you know, Sean Connery. Yeah,

it was too, yeah. But so, your one was in the interview, she's just like, Sean, do you hear what you are saying right now you are saying you should hit a woman and he's just like he's like well he's like the woman

always tries to have the last word he's like i'll give her the last word you hit her a little schlap and the easy you can do sean connolly can you that was so bad you know i know that even as i was doing that i was like that stinks's awful. Obviously, it's awful, but that is what we were referencing by a slap of the spoon. Right, so slap of the spoon. So anyway, Cowman's out there with a bower on.

So this is complete. So this is cowskin, cowskin and a spoon. And he's there. See, this is like an Irish kind of drumbeat that would be used to drum up kind of resentment and hate against the English kind of thing.

So do-do-do-do-do-do-do. So he's there in the middle. Do-do-do-do-do. Ah! And he goes in to be west. So, so he's there in the middle. And he goes into BWFs. So, he's doing this shit. He has a lot of his like cowman's kind of

cronies are all around him. The cowboys? The cowboys, yeah. The cowmen. Are you sure you haven't stole this from the film

The Warriors? No, fuck no. If anything, if anything, if anything, they were influenced by cowmen. Now,

so, a cowmen is there the lads around them they all have their ties around their heads so we come out we see on the hurling field this is happening and he's just going

so next thing just like fucking flies to a big pile of shite everyone just starts flocking up around cowmen and next thing

there's hundreds of us just up on the hurling field he's going now at this time right it's about fucking a minute to two two o'clock we're supposed to go back to class so the countdown is coming on right suddenly it gets to 10 seconds to like you have to go back to class and then it's like the clock is ticking the clock hits two and we just get this feeling we all look at each other we're like we're not fucking going back in. We're not going back into class. And just everyone just goes, ah!

And we were just all like fucking nuts, dancing like this. So next thing anyway, the fucking, the teachers come out, right? The teachers come out and they're like, what the fuck's going on here? They see us shouting. Now, the thing is, some of the teachers have been waiting for this fucking day. They've been knowing that there was going to be a fucking a clash at some point now what you need to know about kenny where i'm from is it's the biggest hurling county in ireland right now hurling is a sport where you carry around pieces of timber it's mean machine yeah

i know but so what you have to know is we all have big pieces of timber in our hands right because this is a hurling school. That's the sport we play. So not only is there hundreds of students, but think about if every student had a baseball bat, right? We all have these big pieces of timber, but the teachers have them too, right? So these teachers come out and they say to us,

they're like, get back into class, get back into class. Now Cowman is staring them down like a wild bull. Have the teachers picked the bats up on their way out? Not a bat, a hurl, lad. No, but I know what it looks like. It down like a wild bull. I know, wait, sorry. Have the teachers picked the bats up on their way out? Not a bat, a hurl, lad. No, but I know what it looks like. It's like a curl thing. Yes, that's right. Have they, on their way out, like loaded up?

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Yeah. Lad, I'm not even joking. They have. They've come out with the hurls. And they're like, get the fuck, get the fuck back in the class. And so as they start approaching towards our group, he's still there.

And Cowman just shouts, charge! Right? So we fucking peg it. I'm talking like the running of the bulls in Pamplona in Spain. Just, bro! We all running down past teachers. Now, at this stage, one of the teachers, I'm going to call him for legal reasons, Binky Swan, right?

Now, Binky Swan. No, no, no, no, no. What? You can't say for legal reasons. Yeah. Binky Swan. Binky Swan. Why Binky Swan? Because that rhymes very heavily with his actual name. Capstick was a cunt. That's his real name. Binky Swan. Yeah, I'm trying to protect the identity of Pinky Kwan. What's his name? Come on. That's his name. Pinky Kwan was our teacher. Sounds like a martial artist in like a Bruce Lee movie.

Well, he certainly did. I don't think you've seen any Bruce Lee films. What? Pinky Kwan. No, no. Any name in that voice. You could put them in a Bruce Lee film. No.

Carly Glamour. Pinky Kwan. Yeah, see? No, that doesn't make sense yet. No, I was wrong. Pinky Kwan. No. Car, regular. Doesn't work. Yeah, see? No, that doesn't make sense yet. No, I was wrong. You know what? You didn't kick one. No, I tried to pull you up on something there,

and I was bang out of order. What you said made perfect sense. Look at Finn counting the days that he hasn't got a job. Yeah. Are you hungover again? No. Are you a little bit? It's a two-dayer.

It's a two-dayer. No, I'm fine. I'm all right today. Did you have booze yesterday? No. No, I'm fine. I'm all right today. Look at the baggy jumper. Did you have booze yesterday? No. Okay. I'm relatively fine.

Finn's Peter Barlow, isn't it? Two-day. No. Finn's recently discovered alcohol. Oh, Jesus. That's no good. Carry on with your story. It's a devilish little bit of juice.

Nasty soup. So... What did I say before we start? This is... Oh, what the hell? Oh! Pinky Quark. Oh, I said nasty soup, not Nazi soup.

Come on now. Hey now. Adam did tell me before, he said, don't say anything racist, which is a fair request. And as soon as you said that, I was like, crumpling up pieces of paper and fucking away. I was like, Jesus.

So we charge down, right? And Pinky Kwan. Now, Pinky Kwan has brought out two hurls, right? He stands in the middle of the field and just starts swinging them like nunchucks. He's like, come on, you fuckers. Right? So like we're all just running past.

It's a big mad ground, like the grounds of our school. So there's like fields, fields, fields all around. So we just run down like to another pitch. He's like, wah, right? So next thing, now there's this fucking air of fucking, I've never been more exhilarated in my life. Just like, fuck you.

There are no rules. You don't have to go to class. And there's too many of us for you to do fucking that and about it. Sick, right? So we're busting on down. Next thing, more teachers come out. Now the teachers start fucking arguing with each other. Like, one of them's, like, shouting at me.

He's like, you can't swing or hurl at children. He's like, you shut the fuck up, Brian. You should have retired 20 years ago, you fucking cunt. Right, people are just fucking grabbing at each other, screaming. More teachers come down to try to get us again because we land down at this bottom pitch and again, cowmen, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Like to think that even the teachers,

this must be their worst nightmare. Just all the fucking children to have pieces of timber, a man fucking leading them who has clearly no tether to reality whatsoever. Right? Just this mad fucking half bull of a man just da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

So next thing, we fucking charge up again past the teachers. They're trying to catch us. Now, at this stage, there's kind of like, even the idea of society and morality and rules has just left us. You know, we've just become these kind of... It doesn't feel like you've had much of that to begin with. I'll be honest with you.

You're right. We were kind of like, there was something at that time. It was a different time. This is like 2004, you know? Oh, yeah. You know what I mean? Different time! Like the 1600s. There was a nastiness. There was a cruelty. There was a different time this is like 2004 you know it was you know what I mean different time like the 1600s

there was a nastiness there was a cruelty there was a wildness Anton went so like we were kind of we'd become like the people still went

really over 9-11 it was very much it was a hangover to 9-11 a lot of it a lot of it was a protest against Bush's government

and the Iraq war rural Ireland yeah everyone's got Timber boy was a protest against Bush's government and the Iraq war. Royal Island? Yeah. And that's what's in there? Boy! So we run up and now, like I said, kind of like order has ended,

morality has ended and nastiness starts seeping in. So there was a lady, a French teacher named Miss Hennessy who decided to come out and try to help with getting us in. But she was like a fresh piece of meat to the wolves and she didn't

as we were running by running past up through the field like everyone like aah a fella named Heater Shady we'll call him

Peter Brady yeah fuck oh no Jesus that was quick fucking hell what else could it possibly be I don't know I think we all thought Peter Brady yeah it could have been Jesus, that was quick. Fucking hell.

What else could it possibly be? I don't know. I think we all thought Peter Brady. Yeah, it could have been O'Grady. We didn't know, but you've nailed it in one there. I tried my best, Peter. But, um,

so anyway, he and her shady were walking past and he decides in the fucking Malay, the wildness, the carnival type atmosphere, he'll get his own pound of flesh.

So he grabs out and grabs the left buttock of Miss Hennessy. Oh. The greedy. The one that's in his heart? Yeah. The greedy hand of Shady took what it deserved, right? Drive by. Grabbed it.

Oh. Right. Now at the time, of course, again, it's 2004. So we thought legend, you know, good man. Right. So he ran on. He thought it'd never come back. It did in the end. But so we run legend you know good man right so he ran on he thought i did never come back it did in the end but so we run on we're running past now now the teachers have gone uh spared they're all shouting threats at the students we will you're all going to be

expelled blah blah blah now at this point a weakness starts to rise up in some of the students a cowardice like a poison a poison and you start to see the kind of the students. A cowardice. Like a poison. A poison. And you start to see the kind of the half men, the kite men. Men that the wind would blow away. What did we say?

Carry on. Oh yeah. I just repeated what you said today. So anyway, some lads decide that they're going to fucking

hand themselves in. Make a plea deal. Company men. Weasels. Right? Shills. Men who would have drank the Queen's soup.

Now, if you don't know what the Queen's soup was, back in the Irish famine, when there was lads dying with grass stains around their mouth. I honestly thought you were saying men

who would have, like, licked the Queen out. I would have licked the Queen out. We've said this before. I'd have fucking absolutely valeted that asshole.

I would have. Yeah. Not because I We've said this before. I'd have fucking absolutely valid to that arsehole. I would have. Yeah. Not because I fancy it, just because I want to be able to tell people I've done it. Don't come back for an hour and I'll hang a little fucking pine off an arsehole as well.

Imagine getting to say and be telling the truth, I have made Queen Elizabeth squares all over her bedroom. Imagine being able to say that though. The rab would have my head on a spike if I did that. No. If I did that no

if I gave that woman any pleasure no that's fuck it they wouldn't want me to make her cum they'd want me to shag her but they certainly wouldn't want her

enjoying it they wouldn't want her eyes rolling back in her head like ugh no way they'd want me to cum quick

and then tell her to fuck off that's what the Irish Republican Army would want for me and that's what i give to them i give her one of the worst shags she's ever had good man i wouldn't even kiss her what's the queen's soup huh so the queen's soup is uh so basically back in the day back in the irish famine days right uh which we all know well and uh that's when your

ancestors really came over to this fucking place right not yours yet proddy cunt but i'm just not all from this country if you're a cat like you're from ireland they're the rules yeah yeah yeah there you go now uh sorry for calling you proddy cunt carol you're not stee is yeah stee is right all right you're a proddy cunt, Karl, you're not. Stayers. Yeah, stayers, right. Okay, yeah. You're a proddy cunt, stay. Orange blossom. Yeah, wrong target there. So anyway, basically,

so there was people dying in the famine famously. And so the lads would be so hungry that they'd fucking eat the grass and there'd be grass stains on their mouth and they'd be dead on the fucking floor. And basically the English said to them, here, listen now what we'll do

is we'll give you a drop of soup if you'll agree to become Protestants right this was called taking the Queen's soup right so it was

Queen Victoria at the time so they're like that was basically you did she make it huh is that a soup kitchen

in the past Queen Victoria this is what people don't know she spent all of the 1840s in a soup kitchen in the back Queen Victoria that's what people don't know she spent all of the 1840s in a soup kitchen in the west of Ireland thousands of these to feed all hungry

not to be bleak but that eating grass is rough isn't it I know the grass stains around the mouth it's fucking it's shocking so anyway

I told this story this honest guy I told it to Freddieinn recently and then the next time i saw him he had grass stains around his mouth he just he didn't know you could eat grass but uh so it just gave him ideas but uh so anyway uh so basically the lads that went in they went inside to the school to make a deal rat people out cut a deal with the government

and they went in weak weak weak pathetic men who'd get you killed at war right but the rest of us

stayed out those of us who had a little thing called integrity and courage we all stayed out right now what ended up happening was we ended up back

on the soccer pitch which was back at the end of the school right and we were there we started taking our fucking ties off burning them now at this stage like completely like all kind of semblance of decency and fucking order has dissolved like people have been like taking shits on pitches and you know what i mean like it was just we had become kind of a a pack of roving wild apes you know time frame of this so basically from two o'clock

there's only two classes left so from two o'clock to 3 20 so it's basically an hour and 20 minutes right that we have to stay stay out here now some of the lads have fucking deserted and it was proper order they would have been lined up and shot like in the fucking irish war of independence but they are not going to go into that so we end up at the back football pitch right we're burning fucking we're burning ties

there's just like we're all just fucking horny with fucking anti-establishment energy we're just like fucking yes I knew there was

no real rules this is fucking bullshit right we're banging our hurls Cowman was fucking you know was eating the blood of a fucking pigeon he'd eaten.

He was like, ah! He probably had grass even when he had the option for the southern. Cowman. Yeah. The clue's in the name. Cowman. He loved a drop of grass. Grass fed.

Christmas dinner. Grass. Right? So we're there. We're burning our ties. We're fucking, we're screaming. We're like fucking these wild dogs. Next thing we'll say to protect for legal reasons,

the vice mincible, Licky Ration, the vice mincible comes out, right? Licky Ration. Licky Ration. But what's his real name? Ricky Bashan? I really can't say this.

This guy, I've gotten in trouble with law with this guy already. So I can't actually say that. This guy, I've got in trouble with law with this guy already. So I can't actually say that this is not a joke. I can tell you that story later. It's a different one. But he is a litigious individual, right? He likes to fucking, he likes to get the law involved in things. So I will say.

From you talking about him on stage and stuff? Yeah, well, the time that I got in trouble with him was because of a prank call we made on him. And then he called the police and I was arrested. But I'm not even going to, we won't go into that now. Can we guess his name? I can't imagine what it'd be like to be sued for something you've said in Pistons of Fumar.

Yeah, I know. You'll have to use your imagination on that one, Adam. But your famous imagination. Mickey Cashin. Huh? Mickey Cashin. You're close, but let's just leave it at that.

Let's leave it there. Let's not say the name. So, anyway, we're there. He comes out and he thinks in his mind that the sheer gravitas

of his position as vice-minsible is going to strike fear into the hearts of the rioters and we're going to say, oh Jesus,

we were... By the way, vice-minsible makes him sound like the deputy leader of the rioters. And we're going to say, oh Jesus, we were... By the way, vice-minceable makes him sound like the deputy leader of the gays. I'm the vice-minceable. You know, I just mince a little bit.

So anyway, what ends up happening, he comes out and he stands in front of everyone as if like, we're all going to be like, oh no, we've done wrong. But sure, isn't it like

waving red flag in front of a bull? start going fucking ape everyone starts going fuck you and then everyone at once starts uh chanting ration socks cock ration socks cock what do you want huh what do you want from this they want non-uniform we want a non-uniform day we want to wear our sweatpants i want to wear my United jersey don't take that away from us lads that's the only thing we look forward to is coming in our jerseys hundreds of school kids tooled up and attacked teachers

so they could wear Man United's 99 away kit lads it was a great kit like we so basically that was what we wanted at the start but by the time it just kind of comes

on it was just a case of anarchy for the sake of anarchy and just you know just he can all fuck off right but so he comes out and he just stands there and like and he's just taking it like he's just like you know like so we're like rations of scott and he kind of like standing there as if he's like he will not bend but then like, like, a bottle of Coke and it just, like, kind of clipped his head. And then he had to just hurry back in. You lot don't scare me. And he just scurries back into the fucking, into the school. Minces off.

But so then at this stage now, and Cowman is still, like, you know, in full flight, you know what I mean? He's now feeling like fucking Stalin or Mao Zedong or, you know, it's just, he's full of the,

all the evils of power, you know? So next thing. Who's the second one after Stalin there? Huh? Mao Zedong. Who's Mao Zedong?

Mao Zedong was the communist leader of China from 1949 to the late 70s. Chairman Mao, isn't it? Chairman Mao, yeah. Say that then. Well, so look, I'm trying to give late 70s. Chairman Mao, innit? Chairman Mao, yeah. Say that then.

Well, so look, I'm trying to give the full name. I'm trying to enrich all of our lives. Oh, is that Mao? Is that Chairman Mao? Chairman Mao. So Mao's just short? I thought his first name was Chairman and his surname was Mao.

Right, okay. Chairman Mao. And his full name is Mao Zedong. Our first child we shall call Chairman. Yeah, but like Chinese people always have like an English name, don't they? They do a lot, yeah. So that's like when you see

like a fucking Chinese fella called Ian, you're like, well, is that a fucking chairman? Do you know what I mean? I thought it was just lost in translation. No. Mao Zedong. It does sound like he's got a little dick, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does, yeah. And he was a... Yeah, about chairman. He's got a bit of a Mao Zedong. He was shagging everything that moved Mousy Dong now famously he

he apparently would all release the Chairman Mao no it's Genghis Khan you're thinking Genghis Khan yeah you're related to

Mousy Dong but you're about the only one here you're only related to Chairman Mao like he was just pillaging the world shagging everyone

yeah he was more Genghis Khan yeah butging everyone yeah he was more kind of yeah yeah but uh Mao Zedong famously there at one point he he taught that uh the people that were kind of out to conspire against China were the crows and he killed in one year he had them uh everyone kill all the crows in China so like all of China was just covered in fucking dead crows he was like crows are the enemy of China so crowsows, dead crows everywhere. Right. And then, but what happened was it turned out the crows were eating the fucking insecticides off the plant to like save the plant. So once the crows were dead, all the plants just fucking died and they'd

a famine and about 20 million people died. And he was like, maybe the crows were sound. Fuck. But anyway, so Cowman's Dairy is full of all this. Now, at this point, like probably the most senior teacher in the school,

former tennis pro and PE teacher, Silly Holster, comes out. these are all euphemisms for sexual parts, aren't they? Silly Holster.

Get your cock out and put it in my silly holster. Put your mouse-a-dong in my silly holster. Put your mouse-a-dong in my silly holster. It'd be if you had like a clown nose on your vagina just like your silly holster.

So he comes out in a very tanned man, luscious curly hair, a man of the 70s, you know, a man who's put his willy in a lot of places. So he came out, he's t out, he used to have a jag,

like a fucking beautiful jaguar. He was a big fuck off to the rest of the teachers. He was way richer than the rest of the teachers. But he came out anyway and Silly Holster taught, listen, I'm a former semi-tennis pro. These boys will surely kneel to my authority. So he comes out, right? And it's like, hey boys.

He had this like weird transatlantic accent. He's like, hey boys, enough of the horse play. We've had enough of this now, boys. Silly holsters here. He also used to commentate on baseball games in the 30s. So he came out

and he was like, hey now, like enough of this, boys. Right? And he's saying this to lads who have shit on pitches, who have just like literally, you know, ties are burning. They're like, ah, he's like enough now,ads who have shit on pitches, who have just like literally, you know, ties are burning. They're like, ah, he's like, enough now, boys.

So next thing anyway, this was fucking, this was not enough for fucking Cowman. Cowman literally on a dime, throws his pants to the floor, turns around and shows his bare arse to Billy Holster. Then he spreads his arse cheeks. And now this is not a fucking clean arse. You know what I mean?

It's not a clean arse. Cowman. You think Cowman's fucking... And he's soiled with his poo. Huh? There'd be bits of that kind of thing up there. You know what I mean?

Cowman's not, is not a diligent fucking cleaner. Do you know what I mean? He gives it a wipe and he says, ah, to hell. Right?

Doesn't even look at it. Just throws it against the wall and fucking moves on. So he spreads his arse cheeks to silly Holster. Now, I swear to God, I've never seen a whiter arse in my life. There was a shine off. Like, this was, this, him showing his arse to silly Holster, to me, is like a Che Guevara moment. Like, it was like, is the symbol of freedom, of anti-establishment, of individualism,

of... This is his arse. Fuck the man. His arse. Now, his arse was so white. I've never heard a man describe another man's arse with any of those words before.

It was... His arse was an emblem for what it means to be human. So his arse was there and I swear to God, his arse was so pale. There was like this shine off his arse. It was like, you know his arse was so pale there was like this shine off it was like you know in uh pulp fiction when they lift up the suitcase and it's like

like that it was like we were all like whoa what the fuck and to give fucking uh silly holsters jew billy fucking ah fuck you said that before did i oh dear shit but so silly holster he didn't fucking he didn't look away he looked down at it like it was the eye of Sauron and he was you know stared into the arse of Cowman which couldn't have been pleasant

but I suppose he was a semi-tennis pro that's the fourth Lord of the Rings by the way the arse of Cowman so anyway there goes the hobbit

the free of scene and this is coming out next year Lord of the Ring the arse of Cowman yeah that's gonna ring innit yeah so Holster fucking So anyway. It goes the hobbit, the free of sin, and this is coming out next year. Lord of the ring. That's the arse of Cowman. Yeah, that's the ring, isn't it? So Holster fucking, Holster stared down the fucking,

the arse of Cowman. Cowman pulled back up his britches and then Holster kind of sadly walked away. But at this stage, Cowman's parents have been called. And also the window of time in which the riot can even exist is closing because once the last bell rings then our cause is lost you know so anyway uh the the bell ends up ringing everyone just kind of

like disperses cowman gets fucking brought in by his parents arrive cowman gets basically like christ you know he kind of died for our sins. Cowman takes the brunt of all the punishment. Now he does it with dignity and, you know, and a kind of an acceptance that really kind of made the rest of us be like, wow, that's a fucking leader. I remember I got into the car because we had to just leave then. My mother was collecting me, you know, and I got into the car and I remember. Sorry, lads. I can't do any more revolutions

to name my teasers. My mum's done a spag bol. I'll come back and overthrow the school government tomorrow, but I've got garlic bread and everything, mate, I can't. Yeah. So I got in the car with my mother and she was like... And Shirai was just covered in clay. I had no tie.

She's like, where's your tie? And why do you look like you've seen Matty Cowman's asshole? Your mum would recognise that look on your face? She knew that look. Most women in Kilkenny had seen Cowman's hole by that stage. He wasn't shy to give people a peek.

He'd do it there beside the Christmas tree in the centre of town. Can't wait to put my Christmas tree up up you know i'm not even messing this place at christmas just gets so much better two weeks baby so much christmas energy coming up my ass come on matty carlman oh you're matty carlman for the rest of my life but so the next the next fucking week then anyway they they came in and like every teacher came into class and it was the end of an era. Mad Lad ended up leaving at the end of that year. They brought in this new fucking disciplinarian

called Curtis who just like had us all by the balls. Like his whole fucking mission was to clean this school up. Like this place has gone fucking insane. So like every- To be fair to him. Yeah. Not that I'm on the side of the teachers in any way.

Yeah. But it had like- No. He read it well. No. When lads are I'm on the side of the teachers in any way. Yeah. But it had, like, that's, no. He read it well. No. When lads are shitting on the pitch, openly,

play ball. Things have gone a little astray. If there's shit on the pitch, she's game. Like the seven murderers in our year in school.

Huh? Our year in school. School year has seven murderers. Convicted murderers for mine and Carl's year group. Not like the whole school,

not like in history. Now, Cameron's never been caught, but you'd have to assume he's taken a life or two at this stage. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So these seven murderers, like what are we, what are we talking like? Like a murder. Like they've killed people. They, their actions result in the loss of a life.

Right. No, I don't mean like that, but like you've any like juicy fucking, you said seven murders. Right, no, I don't mean like that, but like, you've only like juicy fucking, you said seven murders, you need to... I'm not talking about

any of the cases. Right. But you can throw on names like I did. You saw the clever wordplay I did there to keep my hands clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've got to be honest though, do you know the way every time you said one, we could immediately guess what it was? I'd be quite concerned doing that with seven convicted murderers,

some of whom will be out soon right no no to be fair you've you've got you've got me by the balls there just go on the Echo website

there's probably like a fucking link to all of them yeah yeah I've been asked to go back to our school I've seen a lad

we went to I won't name him in case he doesn't want his business out there but a sporty lad okay I think I know what you mean you'll know who I mean at the back yeah yeah I won't name him in case he doesn't want his business out there, but a sporty lad. Okay, I think I know what you mean. You'll know what I mean.

At the back? Yeah. He's now working back at Cardlean. Yeah, that's a surprise. I seen him at the Liverpool game the other day. He's like Miss Smith. They were going through like former students. I don't know anyone who knows Adam and Jack.

He was like, I know Adam. It's Jack Backhousehouse he's a good lad he's like like he's dead busy I know he's on tour at the minute but I just said I'll go back in

he's like yeah just come and speak to the kids and stuff but I've been asked to do this before and I was like I don't think you want me to because what I'm going to do

is go I tried at school and then used none of it so just don't try yeah you haven't used any academia so that's surely a really bad role model

to go into a school maybe but also I think they want to show some of the kids like that there's an alternative like if you're not

doing well maybe they want me to speak to the ones who obviously aren't going to they want you to be like whispering the ear of a cowman

or you know what I mean and you can put this channel this energy into creativity into creativity but you were the smart lad in school I know yeah

so you're not even that either are you no you're not even like i was stupid they want me to talk to i think yeah i don't think they want me to go up to all the people who are going to get straight a's and go listen just so you know doesn't really matter could be a comedian instead do what i did nail everything with no revision and then leave yeah yeah it's like when it's it's like when uh uh like someone like messy now i'm not necessarily comparing you to messy but like but you know what i mean but like as in like what's he gonna come in and tell for like it's like yeah you go go be a do what you do lads go be a famous successful person it's like how do you do what i mean it's uh what can you what can you tell them

i mean to be fair the fact that i mean it's just going back what 15 years we were in school now nearly half of our life fuck yeah well Jase I remember when I was

when I was back home there now I my mother just told me we had a fella that died called Henry Monk you wouldn't have heard of him now

but he was Daniel Conk huh no Henry Monk's Henry Monk's is this actual name but he used to it reminded me a story because he used to work on our he used to work on our farm right i was like just a fella who helped out but he's real hunched over kind of like he was like a kind of a cockroachy kind

of fella he had this like kind of handlebar mustache and you know like a lad that it just there's not enough water in the world to wash him. You know, he's just fucking, but he used to talk in this way where he'd just be like, so wellingtons, wellies are what we wear out in the yard so that your feet don't get covered. And he'd say, where are my welligans? I need my welligans. He'd always talk like that.

Where are my welligans? And he'd never smile. He was always just hunched over like this. He's a fucking odd fucker, right? But he used to do at dinner, like we'd have dinner and he'd just be eating like pereos and meat, like whatever, you know? And he used to take, it'd be a pound of butter. He'd just be eating like potatoes and meat, like whatever, you know.

And he used to take, like it'd be a pound of butter. He'd literally take half the pound of butter and just throw it on the scene. And we'd all be like, lads, you can't be taking all the fucking, and then he'd be like, what's wrong with you? He'd just have him to bit the butter, right? Now, one day, right, this is true, right? We left a cow, a dead cow got left out in our yard. Now, basically what happens when a dead cow gets left out is a fucking, a knacker comes, right?

No, a knacker is the actual technical term for a fella that collects dead animals and puts them in a fucking yard and then shags them or whatever he does. But that's what he does. He takes dead animals away. That's his job. So that's a technical term.

So the knacker doesn't come and collect the fucking dead cow, right? He's, I don't know, he goes to Bruce Springste the fucking dead cow right he's I don't know he goes to Bruce Springsteen concert he does something I don't know he's knackered

he's knackered yeah yeah yeah he's doing I don't know what he's doing so he started he's doing Pilates or Bruce Springsteen or the first

he thinks Bruce Springsteen's playing in my hometown in Kilkenny in May so it's in my mind you know are you going to go and see him yeah

born in the USA. Oh, fucking sick. That's true, isn't it? He's the best. So anyway, the dead cow was left out in the yard. So one day, anyway, I come out, down to the yard. I'm just walking out to the farmyard

to do a few jobs or whatever. And Henry Monk is standing over the cow right and he has the cows i swear on my life eyeball in his mouth and he's biting on it like this and he didn't he didn't know anyone else was there so i just stood and stopped and then just looked up at me when he when he saw me coming he died balling his night and he just said could you go and get me a bit of butter and he asked me to go and I literally just

fucking like was like yeah yeah and just ran back in the house and I told him my dad was inside I told him and my father was just like he said

he said just stop he said just don't don't ever repeat that again he's a great worker he was eating dead cattle can we eat a bit of butter huh can you say the butter line again huh can Can we eat a bit of butter? Huh?

Can you say the butter line again? Huh? Can you get me a bit of butter? Can you get me a bit of butter? He had an eyeball in his mouth. Huh? He looked harmless. Tom Aspinall.

Did you do well at school? Huh? Yeah, I did all right, yeah. Did you? Yeah. Because I was suspended. Why do you say it like that i'm not that i'm dumb in like all life ways but i'm not actually like i'm actually like

uh you know not street smart yeah exactly yeah um but uh i no i did i did all right and so i terribly behaved like i i got i got fucking uh suspended five times i nearly got expelled that time that we pranked licky ration um because so basically we went on a fucking we went on a ski holiday uh to but the thing was it was outside of the school right so as i imagine so yeah so this guy so our teacher a teacher called grim grim yahoo uh so grim yah Who used to run this, uh, ski holiday every year. This is true.

Now you throw in the ski holiday every year, but in, in the, it, but in the post riot clear out Grim, yeah. Who got shown the door? He was like, he was seen as a relic of the past that was leading to this wildness.

Cause Grim, yeah. Who was a French teacher who'd literally come in. He ran a pub as well, so he'd just be hung over the fuck. And he just... He taught French or he was from France? No, Grim Yehu was not from France, lad.

Grim Yehu was from the furthest place away from France. He was from, like, fucking... Australia? The back of Australia. Just sound Australian. Grim Yehu. Grim Yehu. Fine, Grim Yehu.

Fucking Yehu, mate. So, but anyway, Grim Yehaw Grim Yehaw fine Grim Yehaw fine Grim Yehaw mate so but anyway Grim Yehaw he literally he's a PE teacher but he's a French teacher

where he'd literally come in and he'd just go he'd just go look he'd say if ye fucking if ye say nothing you'll have to do nothing and then he'd just

like that and he'd just go to sleep on the desk and he'd also he'd teach us PE and he'd just throw us he'd just throw us the football he's like make your teams have a game and he'd just go sit in his car desk. And he'd also, he'd teach us pee, and he'd just throw us the football. He's like, make your teams have a game.

And he'd just go sit in his car and smoke fags and think about his divorce. That was like the best teaching ever. Oh, he was sick. We loved Grim Yehu. So anyway, Grim Yehu gets kind of pushed. Is it Tim Magoon? Huh?

No, no, no, no. Jim? No. Yeah. But yeah, we'll leave it there. Come on now. Jim Ballew. Huh?

The man is dead. The man is dead. You can't libel Come on now. Jim Ballew. Huh? The man is dead. The man is dead. You can't libel the dead. Coleman killed him. You can't libel the dead. Just name him. He was a good man. Can you not libel the dead?

You can't slander the dead. Is that right? Really? Yeah. Is that why everyone's been so hard on Jimmy Savile? Yeah, that's why. Ah, for fuck's sake. They didn't have the guts to say it when he was alive. Who saved you to court?

Oh, you can't defame the dead. Same thing. Yeah. So I can't, like, come on here and say, I don't know, Michael Parkinson used to finger dogs. He can, yeah. But can his estate be like, hey, no, we never. No, he did. He did.

Park, he did finger dogs. Yeah. He did. Park, he did finger dogs. Yeah. Yeah. Michael Barkinson. That's when. Jesus Christ. That's as rotten a thing as I've heard in a while.

Michael Barkinson. So anyway, so Grim Yahoo anyway. So what he would do is he, he organized this skiing trip outside of like outside of the school so he would wait outside the school like outside the school gates he wasn't allowed inside the school gates and we would come out and give him cash money for this trip i don't know how we convinced our parents to let us do it so then anyway we end up going on

this trip and it's us we're the fourth. So we're about like 15 going on 16. And the fifth years who are like 16 going on 17. And we're all going over there. Now, there's no real teacher. So like, because he doesn't work for the school anymore. Also, he's nearly dead. Is it just him? Huh?

Just him? No, and he had his two, he had his son and his friend who know each other from AA. But they fell off the wagon during the trip. So this is, I swear to god where is this where's the scheme so Andorra we go to Andorra there was some special country this is my first time ever on a plane right and I I couldn't believe it was unreal but so we go over anyway now what happens I don't know if you had this in your school but the fifth year is the year ahead of us now there was a fucking there was a nastiness and a cruelty to these men that had no mother or father you just don't know where they

got it but they just their whole thing was to fucking torture the four cheers who had lads underneath so we're all staying in these fucking like four different cabins but one day we went to the town of andora and i don't know why but there's a fucking weapon shop there there's a weapon shop where you can go in you can get pepper spray you can get fucking batons pellet guns all this shit so we all go in there and we come out there like the fucking idf you know what i mean like we're fucking armed to the teeth coming out of there like you swear that we were going to fucking you know what i mean head into underground invasion of gaza so we leave the fucking shop i'm, we can cut that. Listen. But I'm just doing a comparison that's relevant to now.

So we come out there. Everyone's fucking armed to the fucking gills. Now, I end up, I started in one cabin. I had to leave because I woke up and one of the fifth years

had their, like, cock in my face and they were like, take that, you little fucking gay cunt. I was like, this is, you know, that's pot calling the kettle black here. I did, Kevin., you little fucking gay cunt. I was like, this is, you know, that's,

fuck all the kettle black here. I did, Kevin. Do you know what I mean? So he was like that. But I ended up having to move anyway. But one night there was just like a full on fucking siege. Like they fucking, they battened, they closed our entrance door so we couldn't come out. They pepper sprayed the place.

Then they climbed up around into our back patio, came in with fucking pellet guns. They were fucking, they had tasers as well. They were tasing lads. Tasing? Yeah. There was lads shitting themselves. Like there was lads, lads like just from the trauma. Like it was like fucking being in like the Battle of the Somme, like in the trenches.

Lads were shitting themselves. There was shell shock. Lads falling off fucking ladders. It was just, it was just fucking insane. Right. In a ski resort in Andorra? Yeah. In a ski resort in Andorra. And you're shook fucking. lads falling off fucking ladders it was just it was just fucking insane right in a ski resort in Andorra yeah

in a ski resort in Andorra and Shershok fucking Grim in a ski resort Grim Yahoo and his son

his sons were busy falling off the wagon probably trying to source fucking coke Grim Yahoo was drinking whiskey like a little sucky calf

they were off away they left us off to our own devices what do you do with your cows? What do you do with your cows in Ireland? Well, sure, we let them have a bit of fun before we're going

to make burgers out of them. But, so, look, we give them a good life is what we do, if you must know. So anyway,

so this whole fucking thing happens, there's a shit, but I was turning 16 at the time and that was a, people, I don't know what, if you had this, but it was like a crime to have your birthday So this whole fucking thing happens. There's a shit. But I was turning 16 at the time. And that was a people. I don't know what if you had this, but it was like a crime to have your birthday when

we were young. Like as in like, it's your, oh, it's his birthday. Let's do something awful to him. Oh, you beat him up? Yeah. So that's right. You got a beat for every year, older and an extra one. Yeah.

So if you were 16, you got 16 punches and then a 17 for good luck. Yeah. And that was off each person. Yeah. A hundred percent. Now what they decide to do to me is. Remember how bad your arms would be on your birthday? Yeah. Yeah. 16 you got 16 punches and then a 17 for good luck and that was off each person yeah 100% now what they decide to to me remember how bad your arms

would be on your baby yeah so they they held me down and they shaved my eyebrows off first now

my mistake when they shaved my eyebrows off is that I didn't kick up enough of a stink I should have maybe started crying or I should have acted like it was really bad

but I decided to try play it cool and I was just like ah who cares like fuck it and then they're like we haven't upset him enough at all so do you know what i mean like you need i needed to have been like oh that's really bad it's terrible you know and um so next thing then they fucking they they got me again a little while later and i think they like they pepper sprayed my eyes and they pulled me down the ground and then they I know yeah and I was like

our school was sound you know yeah fine like seven maithres I'll take that yeah that was all after the fact though we don't need to get left by them

so they held me down and they tried to it does feel mad we were in five years of very close proximity to that level of evil though yeah it is wild

well these lads like you've never thought of it that way have you no I played footy with loads of them but there was just

a nasty in general in our school like it was just like good banter or crack was just doing like shitting in someone's school bag like you know

it was just like that was what was that's the way things went is that why you shit in Hattie Preston's bathroom on the car is she like hey school yard banter

poo good banter yeah that's why you had on her towels so but so they held me down then again and this and

they like pepper spray and then they held me down and they tried to shave a razor like gay

into my head they tried to shave gay into my head but I was like at this stage I was biting and spitting

and everything and then my friends who were there like they were just kind of like they they kind of watched watched on because they couldn't if they knew if they got in they were gonna have gay shaved onto their head but i remember my friend uh like jack did try he got

like a baton and tried to fucking like fight him and and like they just fucked and like fucked him up they were just they were crew of miserable men but then and this is the worst thing to like try then still for me to try curry favor back with these uh fellas they we found out that they had the number to vice mincible licky ration right so they're like we're gonna fucking prank licky ration and then i tried to like to be mates with the older lads like even though like they've you know defiled my head um i was like oh sure look i was like give me the fucking number I'll ring Licky Ration right

and we'll fucking prank him so we call up Licky Ration's number but it goes to voicemail so it goes beep and we all just shout in you suck cock you fucking shag horses

you stupid cunt your fucking mother is a fucking bush you're a dumb cunt you did 9-11 whatever like

we were just like everything just screaming down the phone and for i'd say like three minutes and then we just thought haha nice one like hung it up right now i didn't know very easy to trace voice calls right yeah yeah yeah very easy trace voice calls also it came up where's the call come from andora the place where all these cunts are on a ski holiday like it couldn't have been any more fucking obvious so a couple of weeks later after i'd gotten back no eyebrows half of gay shaved into my head i'm up uh i'm up doing a work experience with mechanics up the road for me right so i'm working mechanics now they fucking hate me because

i'm fucking useless. So they just literally just kind of get me to stand around the side of the shed for the seven hours I have to be there. So I was just there anyway. I was like playing snake on my phone or something. And I get a call on my phone. And I answer the call and a fella says, he says, he says, I'm after finding a phone here.

And your number is the first number that came up on the phone. I'm wondering, do you know who owns this phone and I goes oh no no I don't and came up there now and then he goes oh what's your name anyway and I goes Michael Rice and he goes and where do you live and I was like Greenridge Kilkenny, that's where I live and then he just goes thank you, hung up

five minutes later I got a call from my mother, she's like yeah the guards just rang the police you have to come in there Monday you have to come in there monday uh you have to come in for a meeting no you can't get arrested for prank call or me and him would be serving 25 to life i'll be in fucking heavy but what they did was so they brought me in to the guard station two the main members of the drug squad in the in kilkenny guard station sat me down just me and them they played me the voice message and they were like and they're like this is serious harassment this is abuse this is like they named all these

fucking things i think it can only technically class as abuse if he actually does shag horses but i think i think they did i mean yeah i think they had evidence that he did i think they had a horse that was willing to testify uh that licky ration had been bumming him but so anyway they're like they're like this they're like you this is abuse this is harassment

da da da this is your number I wonder how they'd make a horse answer in the affirmative because if he just says nay then it sounds like he's saying nay say nay if he bummed you

nay yeah just whatever two nays for yes nay nay but so they're interrogating me and they and I just start bawling crying like I'm like

I didn't mean to do this is not I didn't mean to do it but like I'm still sitting there I didn't mean this I'm making a mistake here I didn't mean this i didn't mean no i'm making a mistake here i didn't mean that but to be fair but to be fair to me i'm sitting there with no eyebrows half of gay shaved into my head like i'm not al capone like you know what i mean like i am the

bottom bitch of this operation so like but they got me to try name name like they're like look if you like it was so stupid as a prank call they're like if you name names we can get this sentence reduced you know what i mean like we can we can maybe yeah we can give you maybe get you into witness protection programming like you know but i wouldn't i didn't fucking i didn't rat i was like i was like no i can't like i can't be a fucking i can't be a snitch like i can't tell on him so i just said i i just i just kept pleading i was like i was, I can't. Like, I can't be a fucking, I can't be a snitch. Like, I can't tell on him. So I just said, I just kept pleading. I was like, I was drunk. I can't remember, da, da, da, da, da.

So then I got brought in. So I was in school. Next day I went into school, got brought into principal's office. And he's like, literally, he's like, if no one else comes forward with this, you're getting expelled. You're getting kicked out of school. That's it. So I'd already been suspended a rake of times for like, you know.

Such a rat tactic, that. Do you remember in our school, like if someone had like threw a plane at the teacher, like a ball, they'd be like, right, either someone tells me you did it or the whole class has to stay. And then the whole class is like, oh my God, just tell. We all know it was, just tell her you did it. We can't glass on you.

Just tell her. And then they're just there going. It's very clever though, isn't it? You punish the group for one and then that person is like a dickhead. It's very clever. Yeah. It never worked though. We'd all one and then that person is like a dickhead and then it's very clever. Yeah. It never worked though. We'd all just sit there

for 10 minutes and be like, we've got another lesson. You can't hold us. All we're doing now is not learning. So carry on. Cool. We'll all just stay here

and not do maths because you've got another class waiting outside to come in here. Go on. So basically then I had to like plead with a few of the lads to come forward.

Like I was like, look, I'm going to get expelled and to be fair two of them and loads there was probably about ten lads there that were shouting on the phone two of the lads came forward to like get me off the hook which was fucking sound Gillian Brett were the two lads they came forward to give him their fucking

due good lads so they came forward and got me off the hook but like he rationed from then on he couldn't believe I didn't get expelled like he wanted me fucking out yeah so he would just like snape lad rise you know rise the potions master licky ration uh i don't think i've seen that but so licky ration anyway uh but so he would then for the rest of my time in school he would try to like concoct cases to try to get me like try to frame me for things huh did he want to fuck your mom um i think if you had any sense he did she was a beautiful woman yeah betsy rice is

very very handsome woman yeah is she yeah she's still with us yeah she is still with us she's single no well she's not but like she's with us? Yeah, she is still with us. Is she single? No, well, she's not, but like she's with a man who eats raw sausages every morning. So she's waiting for anyone to give her a ticket out of here. No, no, no, no. Eats raw sausages.

No, my father, and that's why my father had a sympathy for Henry Monk eating the eyes of the cow because my father eats raw sausages. Oh, you're talking about your actual dad? My dad, yeah, yeah.

Your mum and dad are still together? Yeah, yeah. He eats raw sausages? They would be, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your mum and dad are still together? Yeah, yeah. He eats raw sausages? They would be, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He eats raw sausages. Now, only when he can, like,

if my mother isn't there to cook him sausages, and he just, she's just, he looks at the sausage for a while, and he just goes, oh, fuck it, I'm just, you know what I mean? Just gobbles him. But then, like, one day I came in,

he had raw sausages in a sandwich, and I was like, dad, don't eat raw sausages. And he just went running off around the house, eating his raw sausages, you know? running off around the house eating his raw sausages you know you know when the more you tell me about your life

the more you make sense is it your life in a circus yeah well sure look it was it was a it was a fun it was a fun upbringing

but it was also because my father is absolutely mental you know so he's eating raw sausages but he'd be also he's a baby you know he just loves

ice cream and cans of coke but he also then has tantrums he just goes into the press and just like throws the plates on the ground and shit you know what I mean like

we need the plate yeah big baba we do that was 55 minutes that's normally like two sections yeah

that's it part three coming up. Yeah, more to come. Press the big red button. See you lads, big red button. Welcome back to part two of four of this week's Have a Word podcast with me, Adam Rowe, and Dan Nightingale. How you doing? That's my Dan.

Do it again. Hello, I'm Dan. How's the wife and kids? They're all dead. They're all dead. Yeah. Yeah. They went over to Ukraine.

What, his mum's dead? Have you met Dan? Do you remember him? Yeah. I'm Dan. I'm Dan. I'm comedian. I've got family.

Where the fuck are you going I don't know there's a pigeon outside there's a pigeon outside there's a pigeon in the lobby what damn am I going to do I'm Dan I've done

lot lot cocaine I've done lot cocaine it's uncanny the hair is the only giveaway is that Dan no it's not

it's Mike with the speech impediment it's Mike Rice that's only messing lads it's me all along wild impediment. It's Mike Rice. I was only messing, lads. It's me all along. Wild. Finn. Yes, we've got a question. This is from Nick.

Hi, Lyd. So I've been reading about an odd thing in Liverpool on Bald Street called time slips, where people experience going back in time. I was wondering what your thoughts on it is. Is it all bullshit, or is there something paranormal going on? If you could choose to have a time slip, when and where would you want it to be that last bit is such a stupid addendum

um i used to work there james foley uh internet a you'd be good yeah superstar uh he was talking about this when we were walking when we were doing the liverpool special that he eventually was not in uh for uh legal reasons for scouse apartheid um yeah so yeah apparently on bold street near where the old bookshop was which i think is now cafe nero uh some people as they're walking past that will be transported into the 1960s um at least for a while and then they come out to the side of it um it hasn't happened to me and I frequent Bold Street quite a lot. I walked down Bold Street this morning,

no, not this morning, but the other morning. It's bollocks, isn't it? Time travel. Time travel is possible because we're time travelling constantly. We're all travelling

through time. Yeah. Like the mirror is a time machine because you're seeing what's happening like the fraction of a second after it light coming to your eyes mike here's a question yeah do you travel through time or

does travel does time travel past you so like if you've got so if you know like when you were coming in here and you're like i'm going on have a word i'm going to help coast are you moving towards being here or is this or was this event coming to you? I have no idea what you're talking about. It's your perception of time. Right. On Sunday coming up, say you're going out, are you moving towards that event, or is that event moving towards you?

I'm moving towards that event. Right, okay. Yeah, I'm moving through time. Did they ask what our ideal time period would be to go back to? No, but I would like you to answer that question yeah i would like to go back to the the irish war of independence and i would like to hope that i would like to i'd like to die but after like but like in heroically heroically i'd like to die heroically in dwarf independence i Independence. I'd like to, if I could take one person

back with me, I would take Cowman. And if me and Cowman could die for our country, I would like, because do you know about the Black and Tans? Yeah.

You know about them? Yeah. Right. They live in Ireland. So I'd like to, I'd like to kill, they were the nastiest, cruelest men.

They were men that were kind of shell-shocked from World War I that were sent over to Ireland during the Irish War of Independence, and they were setting people on fire and feeding women to dogs and doing all sorts of shit. Now, that might be propaganda

to just get Irish people riled up, but we fucking hate Black and Tans. Do you know that song? Come out, ye Black and Tans, come out and fight me like a man. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I'd like to go back in time and write that was our Eurovision Eurovision

entry oh fuck that's so funny so Jonah we used to win the Eurovision so much do you remember that Father Ted episode that it's based on we used to win the Eurovision so much do you remember that Father Ted episode that it's based on we used to win

the Eurovision so much that that cowman is really close and that cowman is far away nice ref god there is a bit

of the doogles to me but yeah 100% yeah but Watts' face but so in that episode they're kind of making fun

of the fact Ireland kept winning the Eurovision because we're just we're songbirds you know we love them we're good at

Canadians and musicians basically just a very plighted people who yes like art comes from that doesn't it

that's right there's no one who was born into middle class or like into upper class who creates good stuff Sweden very rarely there's no funny people from Sweden into middle class or like into upper class who creates good stuff. Sweden. There's no funny people from Sweden.

No. No, they're miserable, good looking, punctual cunts, quite frankly. But the problem is in Ireland now, this next generation, because the Celtic Tiger, the economic boom that happened in the 90s, there's a lot,

there's kind of Ireland has quite a bit of money now. Dublin's ridiculous. Yeah. The expensiveness. It's the most expensive has quite a bit of money now Dublin's ridiculous yeah the expensiveness most expensive city to live in in Europe it's horrid and it's rotten

the transport is shit the weather is shit there's not it's great though huh it's fucking great it's great on a night out it's great

it's great to visit day drinking in Dublin yes yes nice it's nice no I was a I was a boozy boozy last weekend in dublin i had a grand old time but that was the first time me and you ever hung out there yeah we didn't really know

each other back then we've met i think once maybe twice yes just like briefly that's right and then i was doing the laughter lounge and i just text the uh the booker from the international bar which is a small comedy night with no microphone you just go on and just do your thing and you were on i just went down and dropped in after i'd done me proper gig and i went out with him and i'd never so all i drink and i was guinness yeah all i drink like i don't really like beer i don't want it like i'll have it if i've i'm drinking for the sake of it but i don't enjoy it really yeah i'd never liked it up until I went out with you and I'll never forget this. Like you're on the bill.

You're like, oh, we'll go out for a pint. And we walk into this boozer and you just went to Guinness and I went, Mike, I don't drink Guinness. And you went, yeah, you do. Yeah. That was it. Yeah. I do.

Because he doesn't know the creaminess of the pints in Dublin. It's just, yes. You were right as well. Because every St Paddy's Day over here, I used to try and have a Guinness and I'd get about a third of the way and I'd be like, ah, it's not for me. And then it was that pint, I was like, fuck me.

And that drink made me like Guinness back here. Yeah. It's mad like a gateway. Well, so the Guinness thing, there is something in Irish people, 25, about 25 years of age, before that, when you're young and you taste Guinness for the first time

you're like, jeez that tastes like my fucking grand aunt's snatch, you're like, that's disgraceful It's good that you know what that tastes like Well I certainly know what it smells like So you're like, that's How does that work? Well she

would wear very airy skirts, but we'd all be at dinner and we'd be like, Jesus Christ and Monk would be there eating the butter well she she would wear very airy skirts but we'd all be at dinner and we'd be like Jesus Christ and Monk would be there eating the butter but

so anyway but when you're like when I was younger you taste Guinness for the first time you're like Jesus Christ that's some bitter

fucking shite horrible how are people drinking that something happens particularly Irish people once you turn 25 suddenly it tastes like fucking the jizz of the once you turn 25, suddenly it tastes like fucking

the jizz of the angels. You just can't believe it. It's the best thing ever. It is the best thing ever. And then when I turn... And all of these, like these fucking little... Not you, but him.

You. You. Listen, it's a nice drink. It's not a personality treat. No, it isn't. That's all I'm saying. No, no, but you're projecting that. No, I'm not.

I don't think it's a personality trait. I'm saying people do think it is. I think what's happened is there's been trendy young women now are drinking big fat pints again as thinking it's subversive or something or that they're like, you know, they're like, they're like this and it's like, I'm a man.

It's like, shut the fuck up. Your woman drinks it, does she? Yeah. Exactly. And let's be honest, you don't like it, so shut up. I know you don one drinks it does she yeah exactly and let's be honest you don't like it so shut up I know you don't like it it's not for you it was made

so you wouldn't like it and wouldn't drink it and would leave us alone but anyway she's only 24 she's not there yet she's only 24 she's not there yet

she's only 24 so you're just now and to be fair I see a lot of women because it's like they think it'll be the way to a man's heart is if they drink in

it's going mmm that's your man be the way to a man's heart, as if they drink in this going, hmm, that's your man. And then all the men will be like, I found my wife. You know what I mean? You think we're stupid. You see that trick coming a mile away. And I hit her little schlup.

I hit her actually. You can way out of that, Jeff. It works. Anyway. You get way out of that, Geoff, it works. Anyway, but then, and then at 30, whisky starts becoming a lovely little drop out.

Oh, I've been, I've been into whisky longer than I've been into Guinness. Yeah. Whisky, like, I can't drink whisky

on a night out because I drink whisky as fast as I would drink Guinness. Yeah. It's so easy. It's so nice, especially if you make

an old fashioned beer. It is so nice, but it's just gone. Yeah. It's if you make an old-fashioned beer it is so nice but it's just gone yeah it's just gone but your grim yahoo found out the hard way like that's what took him down was just was just being a little fucking gremlin for whiskey but sure that's what happens I swear to god if you're not careful with with whiskey like that'll fucking be the ruination of your life oh totally like I love it. Like, I love it so much. I got into a phase where I convinced myself. Do you know what I did?

I heard Joe Rogan say that he does a shot of fucking, like tequila or something before he goes on stage. And then I was like, sure, geez, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I'll drink a whiskey every time

before I go on stage. So there for a year, I was just drinking a whiskey every single time before I went on. And I was convinced this was great for me. But then then when you get off stage it's not like you don't want more whiskey do you know what i mean you come off stage absolutely right straight to the bar more whiskey in my fucking mouth and more joy in my mind do you know what i mean i fucking love it lad it's fucking great like if we had whiskey now, I'd be the happiest little pig on earth.

We've got loads of whiskey. Oh. We've got Macallan, haven't we? Maybe we'll have just a little whiskey during the... when Tiernan's here. Maybe. When Dan's here.

That'd be nice, wouldn't it? It wouldn't be bad. Warm our bellies. I've got to do a podcast tonight, but... Do you do a podcast now? Yeah, yeah, but I mean, like, this is my one. I can be twice as on this and it's funny.

Do you know Blind Boy from Rubber Bandits? You're going on with fucking Blind Boy? He's doing his show tonight to fill him on a call. I'm going to be his guest, yeah. Oh, nice one.

Jeez, there'll be a lot about mental health. How do you deal with your anxiety? Whiskey. Whiskey. No, lad, he's going to open you up.

He's going to crack you open like a coconut. I'm excited. Yeah. It's going to open you up he's going to crack you open like a coconut I'm excited it's going to be good do you listen to much Blind Boy I don't listen to any podcasts really I'm going to listen to an episode of his today

just so I'm fully in the thing of it he finds everything fascinating absolutely fascinating squirrels invented trigonometry did you know that like he just comes out with these facts and you're like blind but you've made that up on a mushroom trip you know and he just couches can

talk in south africa they can't have seen it you know he'll just he just comes out with his absolute baloo but shit and everyone's like jesus he knows a lot but he just he just makes it up i think i think he just makes all this shit up. What was the question? Bold Street. Bold Street. Oh, Bold Street. Yeah, I don't believe in time switch. A load of bollocks, yeah. Because if you're time travelling,

like, if I can time travel, come back to right now. Say bollocks. Yeah. But maybe there's a rule that you can't go back on your own timeline. We'll be able to go forwards before we can go back, won't we? We'd always go forwards.

No, but I mean, we'll be able to go forwards faster. What? If they ever invent time travel, forwards will be easier than backwards. You'd only ever be able to go forwards. Yeah, of course. Why of course? So how did you say it? He said of course.

I want to know if you understand it. Why of course? It just did you say it? He said, of course. I want to know if you understand it. Why, of course. It just seemed like the obvious answer. No, you can only go forward because only after that point does the time machine exist. So you can't go back to when there was no time machines or when there was no time travel because it wasn't invented then. You'll always be able to go forward.

But once time travel is achieved, if it's ever achieved, you'll always be able to go forward. But then you'd be able to go forward and back to the point you're in now at will. You'd be able to go as forward as you want and as back as you want forever. And it will create this like sort of permanent state of timelessness.

And it would actually be the worst thing that could happen to like humanity in existence. Would it take the time machine back with you? Like in Back to the Future? Yeah, that's a movie, Carl. That's not a documentary. Time machines aren't real either. So if we take the time machine back with you? Like in Back to the Future? Yeah, that's a movie, Carlos, not a documentary. Time machines aren't real either, so it's just the same

They will be. Will they though, lad? Maybe not in our lifetime, but they will be. And from that point on, you'll be able to go as far into the future as you want.

Because I feel like when I did a load of drugs, I did a load of mushrooms in Amsterdam. I went to the zoo, actually. It was a great old time. But I remember feeling that. I've done that.

Have you, lad? I've done that. Lad, so sick. So sick. We tried to go and it was shit. Oh, lad, I tell you who's having a great time at the zoo. If you don't know, maybe you saw this as well. Because you're so sensitive when you're on the mushrooms.

You can feel all the energies and you're down. The seals actually love it in the zoo, lad. Like, they are fucking buzzing they are so happy in the zoo like we were down we went down to say it's like blue green neon lights and you're just looking at the picture square picture of the tanks and it was just us and a load of other fucking absolutely gonked out fucking trippers just all at every window just looking at the seals and being like lads i've never seen such happiness in my life so joyous they're doing their little flips and they're twerking at you and they're buzzing and then i tell you who's not happy in the zoo at all

the people who work at the zoo they were not happy at all them and the elephants you could feel the sadness but i do remember when i took drugs i was like i felt did you get ever get that sense on psychedelics that's just like time doesn't exist at all yeah yeah yeah I felt that

yeah yeah yeah so the time isn't real at all so I think this idea that you can go to the future or the past is like neither of them are a place everything's now

yeah everything's now forever everything's now now is the only time there's ever gonna be it's the only time there ever was that's now in the past

what you just said huh that's gone now no but it's happening it's gone it's happened but it's over it's happening as well it's over it's done i went on a boat trip uh one of the river cruises in amsterdam this was before i went to the zoo but it was the same holiday and we had this american woman who was like i can talk to animals we can

all talk to animals but they can't talk to us she was like i can talk to animals. We can all talk to animals, but they can't talk to us. She was like, I can talk to animals and they can understand. We were like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Wallace does rollover. She meant like the fucking, she meant the giraffe. She meant she can chat about the fall of the Berlin Wall. She was like, I can chat to you.

Alright, and then she started doing this weird call. She was like, like that. The giraffe fucking came over to weird call. She was like, like that. The giraffe fucking came over to the boat. Yeah. Because all she does is whenever she makes that noise, she gives us your food. And then.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Random American giraffe came over to the boat. Where was the giraffe? Does this go through the zoo?

Pretty much. Yeah. He was just waiting. True. He kind of like he's on his holidays. Like what's going on? Yeah. She didn't talk to him

She made a noise he likes I was talking to it No it isn't Talking is just noises No Conversation is not just Hey See you looked at me

It's not a conversation It's not talking to me It's just shouting at me Looking But like I know how Then I can talk to buses I know how to get Hey

There's a bus outside now But there isn't There definitely's a bus outside now. There definitely is a bus outside. There probably is. We don't know, but there probably is. I can talk to... I can get cows to do things. Like, obviously, I know I talked on the other time that I made a cow come,

but I, on the other pod, but I can get a cow to, like, come over to me and do stuff. Not that, but like, do you know what I mean? I can go like, I can go, here, suck, suck, suck.

What's that mean? Here, suck, suck, suck, suck. Come and suck me up. Here, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck. I've never been sucked off by a cow. Huh? That's none of your fucking business, Adam. What do you want to get me to try to admit

on this fucking podcast? So what does the cow do if you're saying here suck suck suck huh and then the cow will like come over and do what

huh and just come over and well they like to suck on things that's not to mean I'm putting my I've said already I don't put my

fucking cock in the cow's mouth that's not how I operate that's not how my family operates alright we bought

you can stick your hand in there you can you know what I mean you can you're not talking to the You can, you know what I mean? You're not talking to the cow. Huh? Well, I am.

Because I'm saying, here, suck, suck. He's like, oh, Mike wants me to come over and suck something. And then comes over. If the cow says that, then yeah, you're talking to it. Yeah. Well, no, the cow, obviously, no one's actually, like, the cow doesn't, like, speak English. But, like, do you know what I mean? You don't, you're city people.

You don't have, you don't have these fucking. Yeah, but cows don't talk to buses. That's his version of cows. Buses are just cows of the city. It's a fact. You can talk to parking meters. Do you say that like the city people, like big city car?

Mud people. Yeah, well, we would, do you know what it is? It's a defensive thing because when we were like younger, well, we would... Do you know what it is? It's a defensive thing because when we were younger, we'd be called smelly cultures or dirty, smelly farmers. That's what we say, yeah.

Yeah, and to be fair, they were hitting the nail on the head. We were smelly farmers. We'd be covered in shite. You know what I mean? So you just have to give it to them. You've observed that. We are dirty and smelly.

So then we'd kind of be like city scum, you know. We'd have to have our own thing, you know. We'd be like, you city scum. You and your bloody saints, please. Yeah. Is there like a cuisine for the country? Is there like stuff that you guys eat that other people don't? Well, just the sheer and utter absurd level of, like, pideos is just,

I mean, it's not even like if I go home and we have, we have dinner at half one in the day because my father's been up since six, right? So like he gets his big meal. So we have a big fucking meal and we're talking, you'll have mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, and then normal boiled potatoes. They're all on you can't if you eat dinner at my house at one like you're just you can't do anything for the rest of the day you're done yeah so you just eat your dinner now it's fine if you're a farmer because you're out fucking running around fucking chasing henry monk trying to knock eyeballs out of his mouth but if you're fucking me who's a waster and not doing any work you eat that meal and then you go sit down somewhere you literally just fucking and this is why a problem like this is my i'm shitting all the time you know this is what i was raised with mike can you rank your potato like your favorite versions

of potato yeah fried potato is this number one fried potato is number one and they're made with chips no fried potato so you get like a boiled potato and then it's like left for a day so it's kind of cold next day you chop it up you fry it and put onions with it fried with onions oh yeah like in a pan yeah yeah yeah fucking lovely well so sauteed potatoes that's right sauteed potatoes i make chili and garlic potatoes like that sometimes unbelievable i mean you put garlic in there everyone's jizzing next mashed potato buttery mash with little bits of garlic put in, little bit of pepper

right little bit of milk put in to mash it up that's number two, number three a great roast potato I don't know if you like a good, but I'm talking like a roast, there's a way to do a roast a good roast potato for me is the best you can

do with a potato right i agree i also agree yeah i mean if you get a really good one i made a roast yesterday they were they were good like yeah they they'll be better when i do the big christmas dinner for everyone yeah i could take a potato over urinal and eat it and i'd like it so they're all you know hairs on everything i go ah that's how much i love dolphin what spuds is that what dolphin was a potato with piss and hair on it that's why people have it at a wedding just like a delicacy where'd you rank them are they in there i don't know what dolphin wise dolphin is uh potatoes that have been near dolphins oh fuck so. So they've kind of, they've been beside an aquatic creature.

Right. Salty. Yeah. Oh, salty fucking spud. I think that's nice. Have you ever had garlic cheese potatoes? Now.

I'm so hungry. Huh? I'm so hungry. Lad, let me tell you this. My fucking auntie Miriam now, and the woman's a fucking ninja when it comes to garlic cheese spuds.

Every family occasion she comes with, and it's like fucking crack cocaine everyone people are stabbing each other with forks people are trying to bite the hair off each other's legs to get this shite so she comes in with this stuff she makes a lot it's all like so it's like lasagna on top like that look of just cheese underneath it's this creamy garlic sauce with the spuds have been fried and it's like well seasoned salt and pepper like it's just

fucking do you know what I get when I go to Ireland and take away potato pie oh oh mate yeah so fucking good

lovely bit of stuff potato pie chips and loads of red sauce yeah in Cork oh mate and now think about think about if your whole nation

had all of that taken away for for five years by the english they took it all they took joy away they took happiness away they took sustenance away the lives of the children the mothers and there i say even the beasts or let's die the beasts when i was little I thought the potato famine was that was all you ate what like you had not enough well it was all we fucking ate

back then that was the thing that was all we ate just potatoes so when that crop died we had zero food isn't that why

black pudding exists because you used to want to keep the cow alive or the pig alive by draining but you drain its blood and make it into I don't know why

black pudding exists but whoever came up with it I'd like to suck off it was for the potato famine was that was it from then yeah because you wanted to make the most of the animal

well I all I do is tip of the cap because black pudding lad do you know what someone said to me recently they were like they were like

oh black they were like black pudding they were like I think it was an American girl and she was like that's disgusting it's like the blood of the pig it's like

what the fuck do you think other meat is? You're eating a cow's fucking arsehole there, love. Do you know what I mean? What do you think the rest of fucking meat is? Wearing a miller and carter.

You gobshite. Stop pretending to drink a Guinness and fuck off. Do you know what I mean? That's what beef carpaccio is. It's actually beef carves arsehole in French. That's what carpaccio means.

White on the nose. I think we might get used to try some food in a bit lovely that'd be sick we've prepared something for Dan but he's

you know he's not showed up today because of some allegations that were showable previously untrue but we're look we got him some food today that we thought you know

will he like it will he not you can just try it instead but like the whole idea of Dan doing that is that you give him nice stuff and he's just no

we give him stuff that we think is nice to him it's vile right but i obviously i'm just gonna like it and there won't be an entertainment value in that or will there well look though well that's we'll see that's up to the gods right i hope there's piss on it and that's a nice house welcome back to this week's episode of the Half a Word Podcast. I'm Adam Rowe, comedian. This is Mike Rice, paedophile. And on the couch over there, we've got Dan Tierney! Welcome in, lads. How are you?

I'm very good. Thanks so much for having me. Big fan of the pants. Do you like them? I do like them. I've started to... What's the word expand expand no experiment no like the long ejaculate like the idea of expanding like i'm a elevate i'm what i'm open to it like what broadening your horizons i'm trying to expand my wardrobe and i'm trying to

be okay with it so like i've been looking at pants like this and being like, can I pull it off? Sorry, go on. No, Dan, it's your podcast. Straight in, just butting in. Yeah, because when you said you liked them, you laughed afterwards. So I was like, does he actually like them? Or was that, you know what I mean?

I think just like me, Dan, you're an overthinker. I think whenever someone gives you a compliment, you're like, hmm, that was a piss-dick one. He's having me off there. I actually do just really like them. Thanks, mate. I'm thinking about sort of starting to put a few pieces of this type of stuff into my wardrobe.

Yeah. A good pant goes a long way. A good pant does go a long way. My mother buys my clothes. To this day? She buys most of them, yeah. And she's a great eye. Wait, she buys them for you or she buys them off you when you're done with them that'd be odd if she did that like no she just buys them yeah yeah

how much of what you're wearing is bought by your mom uh 70 so the jeans the jeans are bought by my mother the t-shirt of us on by my mother and then not my jumper my girlfriend bought that in Uniqlo because that have you heard of this place why is Shanna out of the outfit why are you saying it like that Uniqlo because it's unique

it's fucking sick Uniqlo it's trendy Uniqlo it's the opposite of Uniqlo isn't it it's the most popular shop in the world

is it though yeah it's the most popular shop in Asia they've got all the people I didn't know about that I didn't know it was popular I didn't know so she just she got it from me i think sick but yeah the women buy my clothes for me i don't buy and i don't buy clothes shoes huh oh i get them myself sports direct same pair of nikes for years they're these look at them look at that they are

what me and carl would call a pair of absolute bastards. What? Because that means good. No, that's not good. It can. What? Oh, yeah. Like, if it's almost a woman's breasts and you go, she's got a pair of absolute bastards, that's good.

They're juicy. Tits. Yeah, but you've got... Juicy tits on my feet. They're rascals. Yeah, you've got a pair of absolute bastards on your feet. I've got to be honest, Dan,

you've got a pair of bastards. Have I got bastards? Sambas? A bastard? They're Sam bastards. Oh, is it because they've been to be honest, you've got a pair of bastards. Have I got bastards? Sambas? A bastard? They're Sam bastards. Oh, because they've been fucking, they're classics

and outside of Liverpool, they're not bastards. They are to us though. Yeah. If I bought you them for Christmas, how often would you wear them? I'd give you them back. Really?

What the hell? I put my best trainers on for you, I'd say. No, Sambas are like, you are right, we're wrong.

Yeah. It's just all of, you've got weird footwear stuff here, the white sock thing and stuff like that. Yeah, but do you know what? I am slowly moving away from the ideology

of like the over-the-top stance. Yeah, that's what's going on. Like, it's, because it's fucking stupid, isn't it? Yes. Like, it is stupid.

Like, I started wearing a lot of boots, mate. I've got a lot of boots now. You're a cowboy cowboy I remember saying two years ago didn't I I was going to become a boot man

and it didn't really happen I bought a pair of docks but I wasn't comfortable enough in them I've bought recently I've got a green pair of red wings I've got black boots

from Hugo Boss I've got some blunt stones almost identical to the one Will have got but their wills are for women and mine are for men you stupid cunt Will your women's shoes you dumbass

you smelly bastard you're a fucking shit shoes there's still 550s today though what i mean i always try and match up a bit so the green on these With the green I try and think About me like Ireland Oh yeah yeah yeah Ireland Yeah yeah

You're of Irish descent I am of Irish descent Yeah I think so anyway Fucking Dan You're Tiernan sounds like You're of Irish descent

Do you not think I'm Irish descent I do think you're Irish descent But then But why did you say it like that Like it sounds like Because No do you know

Do you know why Cause when we were So me and Dan know each other for a while, right? But Dan, because I remember when you were telling me, because your parents have like money, don't they? No comment. Well, they did at one point. Yeah, yeah. Do you know what?

Before the divorce. I swear to God, when you told me that when I was younger, this is how my mind. Before I bought these trousers. When you told me that when we were younger, like, I know mind... Before I bought these trousers. When you told me that when we were younger, like, I know, I think you'd grown up or there was horses somewhere or something. And then in my head, in my head,

that just means England can't be Irish. I know, exactly. Because money. I told you I was writing a routine about my sister owning a horse. That's right. You've gone posh, cunt. That's right.

I swear to God, in my head, I just lodged. Oh, he's not Irish. Yeah swear to God, in my head I just lodged, oh, he's not Irish. Yeah. Honestly, because in my head, a lot of money, or especially horses,

you're English. But you buy horses. Horse racing's like the most Irish thing in the world. And horses come from Ireland as well, right? Owning horses is, but like,

just being near horses is Irish. We like to be near them, but we don't, we wouldn't dare to put an ownership on them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's wrong.

You do look Irish. Do you know what I mean? Some people have got an Irish head. You've got the most Irish head I've ever seen in my life. But don't say it like that. You have a fucking Irish head in you too, lad. You look fucking 600% Irish. Look at the head in you over there.

And he is fucking slagging me off. I'm not slagging you off it's like you sure you got an Irish joint I'm on a farm with me dad and you know

fucking Henry Monk Henry Monk yeah you have an Irish head Dan you have got an Irish head an Irish head Will's got an Irish head

what will you dirty woman shoe wearing bastard. You've had a wild sort of couple of years really Dan haven't you? Yeah. It's been a bit mad

to be fair. You won about 17 new act competitions then got nominated for best new coming at the Edinburgh Festival. Yeah. Like just back to back.

He's the most decorated comedian in the history of UK comedy. See you said that before and I do disagree. in the history of uk comedy see you said that before and i do disagree but of like competition my favorite thing you said though you went to me once after i once but you were like you'll win the fucking kentucky derby at this rate but yeah no it was crazy to be fair because uh because you won though before covid as well i was like the poorest cunt in comedy you know what i mean that's how you would have seen me

around but he said before your mom and dad had money and then they have they lost it all have they done the proper working class thing of win the loss of it and then you're painting and decorating again six months later no so my mom's a solicitor and then my dad was like fucking, like did fuck all and then they split up and then he took like quite a lot of their money and then he doesn't work and neither does my mum.

Yes, lad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a legend, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's good at FIFA. His dad is? Yeah, I'd imagine. Is he good at FIFA?

Good at FIFA? Well, if he's not doing anything. Oh, I understand. Yeah, just chilling. And he can buy loads of packs with at FIFA well if he's not doing anything oh I understand yeah just chilling and he can buy loads of packs with all them fucking money he's got off the solicitor

yeah he doesn't play FIFA but he would be shit at it I'm pretty sure yeah because Dan so Dan

the first year I did Edinburgh him and Paddy Young were both doing a split show called Hunks and Dan was I'd say you were

were you six months in a year in you weren't long yeah about six to a year so they had a picture of them on the front and it's called hunks and dan was i say you were you six months in a year in you weren't long yeah but so they had a picture of them on the front and it's called hunks which you think is ironic but thing is paddy young is a hunk so he looks really handsome dan isn't no that's not at all i think I think you

you talk I don't know what you were thinking it was you're a bastard yeah yeah yeah bastard head bastard head

you know he's Irish or whatever but like Paddy Paddy looks it looks unbelievably good so but the two boys so they were doing a split show below me uh or before my show and uh but so and this was it how long were you in so it's about less than a year in for sure

yeah we were in like the worst fucking room like like imagine the worst room like you were in the same room with us and when we arrived we all had to fucking, like, spade, like, fucking rubble out of the thing for, like, an hour and a half. And I was like, oh, I didn't know about this part of the fringe.

I thought we were going to find some bodies underneath. And then some improv group comes out and goes, has anyone moved our rubble? That's not a proper action. Three, two, one, and it's 9 11 let's go

uh well so dan and pad had the uh they showed the two of them uh were before my show we had a guy from manchester called paul who was like our venue captain yeah nutter he was a fucking nutter he was doing like a one-man play about like fucking addiction or something yeah and he was clearly like you felt a bit unsafe he'd be laughing and then there'd be a tint to him where you're like what the fuck yes and it was kind of like the the one-man show was about doing like uh pills in like like 90s manchester did you watch it huh i went to see it as well yeah yeah i did go to see it he does about a 20 minute routine of him. I can't tell you how much money you'd have to pay me to go and choose to watch a one man play.

Even if it went to the point where it might be so shit, it'd be entertaining. Because there's a point, isn't there, where you hear about an Edinburgh show and you're like, oh, actually, yeah. Oh, do you know what? Oh, actually, there was a lad called Nick Pupo who was at the Fringe this year.

Yeah. Is that your name? Nick Pupo? Nick Nappyhead was at the show at the Fringe this year. Yeah. Is that your name? Nick Pupo? Nick Nappyhead was at the show. At the Fringe. I nearly said something awful there. Yeah, I saw that.

No, no, no, actually, no, no, no. Mr. Pupo. Yeah, Nick Pupo, yeah. Mr. Pupo. Mr. Pupo, yeah, yeah, yeah. He had a show about cerebral palsy or something, did he? No, he didn't. No, he had a show

about being a head you know potato he did it was a sort of half one one play half stand up thing and I went

it was one of the best things I've seen so yeah maybe I will go oh it was like actually really good it was fucking brilliant oh there you go

and there was like six people there and it was still brilliant and that's the test of an Edinburgh show I think yeah it can't be good

to no one my friend Terence had one about his cancer he is second time having cancer and uh and but he doesn't ask the audience to be sad from it all he just put those jokes about it and it's it was it was fucking it was great do you think if you ever had something horrific like that in your life do you think you'd try and joke about it because as as soon as anything awful happens to or in my life i'm just like right well i'll get a bit out of that yeah no i'm the exact same i'd be like oh we'll make this into a bit but i can't be i can't do the sincere parts on stage i would just say the bad thing in a funny little way like i wouldn't be like hey here's actually a serious part of this

now i can't i can't no i can't do it i don't i just can't i can't do it i don't be like hey here's actually a serious part of this now i can't i can't no i can't do it i don't i just can't i can't do it i don't want them ever to feel sorry for me at any point of the show do you know what i mean right yeah that's that's me because but without revealing too much because i know you're going on tour but your sister is has leukemia yeah yeah and that was sort of in your show that got nominated at edinburgh this year yeah yeah yeah did you was there at any point during the show where you're overly sincere and talking about what it's like? There was, to be fair,

which was like in previews was fucking mental because like what I do is like a lot of like yelling, like it's daft. And then I'd like say something like, yeah, and then my sister got diagnosed with leukemia and the crowd was like, what the fuck? What the fuck? Because you're the kinetic energy

when Dan comes on stage, he's fucking eating chairs he's you know what I mean he's ripping curtains off the wall and wearing them

like a cape and screaming and it's just and it's just you're wearing a big cape going sister's dying shit everywhere

yeah he's just squatting down and shitting on some minority person's lap in the corner he's like ah

you know breaks that beans breaks it ah you know and he's going mad and it's dan's non-stop laughter like just laughing and then just to come out and then anyway as he fucking ties up his belt my sister has leukemia

how did you navigate that so obviously very successfully because you had a great run up there yeah it was i think it took shape when I was actually there. I wasn't going to talk about it because I just felt it was such a, like to be doing a cancer show on my debut year, it's just so cynical, isn't it? It's like, hmm. And you don't even have a UConn.

Yeah, yeah, no. If I did, I'd have won. Who did win? Exactly. No. Come on, Dan! Come on, Dan! You're the fucking right!

You're fucking right! Dan, are you with us? Are you the fucking right? Get on the couch! Oh, I'm just messing around. They're back working at Starbucks. A Rouge won, yeah, an amazing comic, great future. I was hoping it wouldn't be a minority, Dan, when you said it.

Of course it was a minority. It's the only comedy it was. To think I'd just shot on her lap as well. You know, we all cope with loss differently. I like the idea that she turns up to what the fuck are you doing but yeah then i remember like being a car just in morehouse and he was like if you're doing an introductory hour and it's been like such a big part of your last year you have to

talk about it it would be like mad not to and then yeah i basically just did a 40 minute club set and then just whacked 15 about that one at the end essentially and it worked yeah yeah it's all right because the industry are actually fucking stupid they yeah and if you do if you put enough enough pace pathos at that 40 minute mark then they just forget that you've just done an hour of club comedy yeah that's it but someone said to me recently that was directed within an inch of its life it fucking wasn't you're talking out your your show was yeah who said that to you i can't say okay so do it like do you think do they think there was just someone like fucking uh saying that and now at this point dan what I want you to do is bite the knees of the elderly lady in the front

at the 50 to evoke a fear in the crowd you could get some of your saliva in an old lady's eye did you have a director at all I did

Finn Taylor directed the show right okay but it was very much like that's why he he would think it was preposterous to say it was directed

within an inch of his life because he was more just like a script editor with me and we like worked through it and like tried to come up. That's not mad that I had no idea he'd done that or that he'd ever done that for anyone to be honest. That's a great match though.

Yeah. It's not an obvious one, but it is great when you think about it. Yeah, I mean, the show was actually much darker than I think was intended because of that. You know what I mean? Cause every route with him is just like fucking. Yeah, he probably wanted to do black places.

As soon as I had a bit about the army, he yeah he probably wanted to do black yeah as soon as i had a bit about the army he's saying you need to do a bit about the drones like hitting weddings that was one of the punchlines you haven't mentioned yeah it's it's mad isn't it because you never want your show to feel overly directed at all but like you do want to be honest with the fact when you use one like i've worked with alfie now on my last show and on my current one and he makes everything i do better and stronger it is just a second eye though that's all it is have you ever used one no do you think you ever work you've got two um i was thinking of having i was thinking of asking alfie to have a look at my huh i was i was i was talking out of the side of my mouth to him i heard what he said

all right and i was just, yeah. Because I thought you were making a thing at me like, don't mention Alfie. I thought you were like, don't mention Alfie. He got in trouble earlier this year. Like, that's all.

I thought you were like... I heard something on the grapevine. He was saying some... What's this just completely bring up all this drama imagine being like why did she bring all that up alfie's talking about his year in his new hour I've seen it I've seen it in Edinburgh

briefly very sort of like an embryo thing but he did it on Saturday night it's a hot water it's going to be such a fucking great hour to stand on when I saw it

I saw the same one as you in Edinburgh and I was like I was fucking it was still I think it was the best show I saw the whole thing and this was him doing it

completely raw but it was riveting like just how much you were like Jesus Christ he's so good at being honest and also so good at like

saying how he's a shit person yeah yeah yeah he's unreal at that he's very good at taking responsibility for the worst part of his character

and being like but there is human around it and there's yeah it is I was going to be great I can't wait to see what he does with it. I gave him a few notes the other night,

and I'm going to see it as often as I can in his build-up to it. So you're going to direct his one, then? I don't know whether he'd want that. It's not that I wouldn't do it. I would do it for him if he wanted me to, but I don't know whether he... A big part of his year was to do with his previous director,

so I don't want to ruin anything more. I don't want to speak for him, but I think he... I don't know whether he'd be entirely comfortable with that but i will give him some notes here and there as i see the show i'd like someone to direct now that'd be nice you want to direct someone no no jesus what would i be telling him more calm no uh have you talked about having calm in a jar on the stage? What about that? And then you eat it halfway through. No, but I'd like to have someone, just another eye.

I'd like to have someone just be like, hey. The first meeting I had with Finn, I was just like, it felt like this weight had been taken off my shoulders. Cause yeah, you can talk to other comics about your hour, but really it's a bit self-indulgent to be like, I've got this bit and then you can't really get into it. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Just to have someone else that's interested like in the hour is like yes i love that i have a lot of pedo stuff in the new show like it's genuinely like 20 minutes pure pedo it's tom bryan's doing huh it's a two-hander with bins it's about all of Mike's desires it's just called desire Mike writes it's just all but there's a lot and apparently he thinks

it's too much pedo stuff so I'd like a director to come in and be like hey that is too much that's too much pedo stuff because at the minute I'm the only one directing

and I think more you want to be more more pedo stuff yeah I'm just loving it I'm loving it I have this angle on pedos at the minute.

I think I've got their number, you know what I mean? They want to fuck kids. Fucking mad. Fucking mad. That's what he's running on. What about these people who fuck kids? Wild.

Now they want to fuck kids? Mad. I don't know if you've heard, Michael Jackson, not only the greatest entertainer in the world do you think he did it who Michael Jackson

absolutely yeah of course he did it of course he did but there are some people who that's the hill they'll die on 100% no way

it's like what I'm not sure you know yeah see this is I think there are people why are you not sure that's it

I don't believe you're not sure though I do I saw a little glint come in your eye that was just like I want to play Johnny Cochran I think there are people. Why are you not sure? I don't believe you're not sure though, Adam. I saw a little glint come in your eye that was just like, I want to play Johnny Cochran on fucking Michael Jackson here. I think it's entirely possible

that people would just have to lose money because at the end of the day, I think it was two on the nose. Do you know what I mean? He was such an obvious pedophile that I don't think he can be. Right. Do you know what I mean?

You can't have a, because if you've got a fetish feeling that you can't be fucking can be. Right. Do you know what I mean? You can't have a, like, because if you've got a fetish feeling that you can't be fucking the kids because it's obvious that you're fucking the kids.

Wait, that logic though, Savile is also innocent. Yeah. Say it again. What? What? It's two on the nose.

Say that again. It's two on the nose. Can I have one? Worth it. That's very good. That's very good. I like it. Yeah,

I think it's just, there can't be that much smoke without fire. It just can't. He admitted to sleeping in bed with kids. Yeah. He said that? Oh yeah, no, that's mad. I'm not saying he wasn't a weird little guy, Carl.

I'm saying a lot of them. Rims, a lot of them as well. Yeah. His best friend was a monkey named Bubbles. That was his best mate. It was a monkey. It was a monkey. It was his best friend on earth. It was a monkey It was his best mate It was a monkey Was his best friend on earth

Was a fucking monkey This is not a joke His best mate was a monkey Named Bubbles Was that his best mate? That was his best mate in the world, lads That's weird Lads

He slept in a cot beside the bed Bubbles Sitting down there So Bubbles There's no way Bubbles didn't see what was going on. Oh yeah, Intelligate Bubbles. So he was complicit. This is absolutely true.

Bubbles just turned 40 this year. No, I swear to God. I swear on my life. Bubbles had a 40 yet. This is... Bubbles is 40th. We're going down the Longview Labour Club. There's Mars putting a spread on bananas

banana bread he's like they uh perfected this over the lockdown go on so bubbles turned 40 this year so don't stop saying 10 40 like he works like I'm saying 1040 like he works like I know He's seen things. Lad, if that little cunt could talk. Like, I swear to God, we need to get like a Louis Theroux with Bubbles and just see like what was going on. He fucking knows what was going on.

He's had tea with the mayor of Japan. Of course he has. The mayor of Japan. Bubbles is one of the foremost fucking monkeys on earth right now. Do you think Bubbles was a pedo? I think there's no way he couldn't have known what was happening. No, I think what Dan's asking is, do you think he ever got involved? Yeah, yeah, exactly right.

He drew them in, didn't he? He was like, hey, monkey. That's right. He was like, woo, woo, ah, woo, woo. And then they were like, monkey, monkey. And then it was like, and then he disappeared. And then Wacko Jack was like, ah. He was a wingman.

Huh? He was a wingman. He was a wingmonkey, yeah. He was a wingmonkey. And he, no, I don't know why everyone thinks this is that funny. he's a wingman huh he's a wingman he's a wing monkey yeah he's a wing monkey um and he no I don't know why everyone thinks

this is that funny this is a 40 year old pedo monkey who has never been held to account yeah imagine yeah

100% I ain't saying nothing in my defence I am a monkey I plead I am a monkey I plead I am a monkey Why didn't you do any

Well in my defence I am actually a monkey To make it fair you'd need a couple of monkeys on the jury as well I have a joke there But to make it fair, you'd need a couple of monkeys on the jury as well. I haven't joked it. Dan, you used to be a dinner lady, didn't you? Yeah.

What is that? To be fair, you can't talk about paedophile monkeys without making a smooth transition into my time working as a supervisor in a canteen. Are you a dinner lady? Yeah, I am. But in my defence... I am a monkey. What else am I going to do?

It's either fuck kids or give them dinner. One of the two. I chose the righteous path. How the fuck did you get into that? How did I get into it? I got scouted. You must have had family in the industry. There's no way.

He's a nemo baby. He's a lady. He only got that job cos his mum's head's in a lady. At what point... Do you have family who work for the same place? No, no, no. So at what point do you, family who work for the same place no no no what point do you dante even because if i if i was unemployed and couldn't yeah yeah you would never i can't tell you how many other places i would try to get a job before i was like do you know what i might

try and be a dinner lady yeah that's what i mean by hat why did you that is fair yeah i just want to be clear it wasn't like my dream job at all when i started comedy i was like well i'll get a job as a dinner lady but basically oh sorry dinner man what dinner man no but it's not though that's not gender that's not gender this role mate no he was a dinner lady superhero as well you're dinner man, go down. Dinner man, down, down. The dinner monkey. The dinner monkey. The dinner monkey. Yeah, so when I wanted a job that fitted around comedy,

a lot of people were TAing. So then I started applying to agencies and agencies get you like temp work. So then I was just like two hours a day, five minutes from my house, do you wanna do this? I was like, absolutely, and you get a free scone as well oh i'm telling you it was a school cake did you get school cake uh yeah what i don't maybe but i feel like there might be some weird scouse school no no no no it's like it's like um a sponge cake white they didn't have that i know

exactly what you're talking about no i didn't have that but I know exactly what you're talking about. Nah, I didn't have that. But that was peng back in the day. With custard, mate. Yeah, it's nice. Still, I reckon up there with the best pizza I've ever had was the margarita from Carlton. On a Friday? Unbelievable. And you point your slice out before you got there.

Like, I'm having that piece. And if your mate took it, it was over. Yeah, unbelievable. It was like your mate shagging your beard. Yeah, I said that was mad. You fucked me pizza slice. Food's fucked now, though, at the schools. it's not like it i remember it was not nice it was there was no salt in anything at all oh really yeah like really bland food yeah um but it's mad it was genuinely a fucking mad

environment to work in because you'd have 500 kids coming in through the canteen and you'd only be able to see about 60 of them at the time so then you'd fuck maybe more maybe about 100 so it's like an absolute 400 kids running rogue with bowls of soup but you know yeah you're bringing them in and they'd be like the year fives are coming let's go go go and like yeah it's absolute carnage there's food getting lobbed at the ceiling yeah and then you've got like a negotiation with like an autistic kid trying to get them to eat a fucking strawberry or some shit uh i don't know uh that's the first it'll take your magical powers come on i've already got them i'm already levitating the fucking pudding with his mind how long were you a dinner lady for them

well about well i was actually furloughed during covid so i don't know as a dinner lady for them well about well i was actually furloughed during covid so i don't know as a dinner lady yeah and then i came back afterwards and then so about two years i'd say but uh when i came back it was shit because there was no canteen so it's just in the classrooms so you were just like delivering sandwiches and no one knew what they were doing it was a bit crap did you feel like the power because Because I have a real issue with people who are fucking dishing out the fucking carvery stuff or the portions when they're miserable cunts about it. Like that actually...

Do all my asses sound, you know? Really? Yeah, he's a Chinese fella. Because it incenses me when people are tight with food that isn't theirs. Yeah, particularly if it's like a chain, it's like surely your fellow human, we need to stick it. We, particularly if it's like a chain, it's like, surely we, your fellow human, we need to stick it.

We're in a McDonald's the other day, they didn't fucking, like, I had a, well, you know, they needed a penny for the tenner and I couldn't find it anywhere and she just changed it out, you know, gave me 9.99. But don't you think that's, just let me off the penny.

That's just fucking ridiculous. Yeah. When I worked in the kitchen in Machies, if someone ordered 20 nuggets, I'd just put like 24 in. Yeah. Let's look after each other. I've had

I've had some of my most like like profound gratitude for people who have been generous to me in those situations. I remember at one time I was like dirt poor I was on the dole in Dublin

couldn't really afford my rent and I went over to get a battered sausage and chip and it was this Turkish guy behind the counter and I was like just looking at I want a garlic dip with my battered sausage and chip. It was this Turkish guy behind the counter. And I was like just looking at, I wanted garlic dip with my battered sausage and chip, but I couldn't afford it.

And I was just there staring at the garlic dip that was in the fridge like this. And I just didn't have the money. It was 180 for a garlic dip. I didn't have that much money. What kind of fucking dip is this? Huh? Lad, it's fucking thick.

The Irish garlic dip, lad, it is fucking, oh my Jesus. It'd make your bum tingle. It's lovely stuff, lad. Don't fucking, oh, by Jesus. It'd make your bum tingle. It's lovely stuff, lad. Don't put it on your ass. Huh? I probably shouldn't have put it in my ass. I would dip the battered sausage

in garlic dip and then... That's why he wouldn't give you it. He was like, he was going to put it on his ass. No, but so I was looking at it and I don't know if he saw me looking at the garlic dip, but anyway,

he did the chips and the battered sausage and just gave me the stuff. And when I went home and opened it up, he had put a garlic dip in it for free. And I just thought that man's an angel. Like in his head, he's like, he will eat garlic dip tonight. It was my dad. It is up to me. It was your father. Is your father a

chipper man? He's a Turkish man. Oh, is he? No way. He is happy though. He is happy. Hello, mate. Have you got a little dip there, mate? Have you yourself a little dip and be happy tonight? Be happy. You know, don't give me 180. I take it from charity.

I am now Russian. What? Russian. Dan, was it your school that you went back to to dinner lady at? It actually was. But did you know that? We know everything about you, Dan.

That's a... What the hell? That wasn't on our notes, but we've got notes about your school. Yeah, my... Wait. Oh, about Hume Hall. It wasn't that school, just to be clear. Right, Dan. That's a... What the hell? That wasn't on our notes, but we've got notes about your school. Yeah, my... Wait. Oh, about Hume Hall. It wasn't that school, just to be clear.

Right, okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the Hume Hall thing? We've got notes about Dan's... A dance troupe in Dan's school. This is so good. Right, so I do material about the spazzy school I went to, right? Okay.

He can say that, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Why? Because I'm doing this podcast um why can you say that like i don't think it's immediately obvious that why i can say that because i have dyspraxia yeah uh i think it's immediately obvious that you are. Why I can say that. Because I have dyspraxia. Yeah. I think it's called something else now, actually.

Some woman told me after a show. Is that like struggling with coordination? Yeah, it used to be called clumsy child syndrome back in the day, apparently. How lazy is that? Yeah, I know. Like you can't catch things? Yeah. Go on.

Yeah, yeah, let's do it. But I've learned. I wanted everything in my fiber to catch that. Let's fucking.. But I've learned. I wanted everything in my fiver to catch that. Let's fucking. Look at that as well. What a grip. I do feel like we've got a man in a wheelchair. Shit.

No, no. Shit. I was about to say, this is one of the meanest games I've ever seen me play. Just immediately Adam just like, let's fucking see then. What was heartbreaking is for you to say it's mean

and I didn't realise because in my head I'm like, this is a frill. Everyone's laughing at me, right? Yeah. It's fucking great. I love it.

Go on, Dan. So you say you went to, in your words, a spazzy school. Yeah. Yeah. So, well, again, this is coming back to me being a posh

cunt actually because uh i had dyspraxia got diagnosed in reception at school and went in normal school till year three and then got taken out went to private school in year three uh which but it wasn't like a good private school. It was like for fit kids that couldn't get into the other schools or kids that were severely like... Do you not move in school? I always... Because I stayed in the same...

You stayed in the same school with what? Didn't you? You didn't move. Yeah. Is that like properly... Does it throw you off? Yeah, it's horrible. Kids going,

oh, I was in there in year five. I'm like, your life must have been fucking mad. It must be well done, Tim. Because it must be... It's so important to stick with the same people in the same place at that age you had to move schools four times um there was a lad who went to our school who uh he was a bit of a gimp and then he went he moved to west arby school oh i know what you're talking about and

he and he sort of tried to reinvent himself as like the hard kid in this school and then i got sent there like i was studying economics at school. And then I got sent there. I was studying economics at A-level, so I got sent there. Was it? Our school didn't offer it. Was it DA? Yeah.

Yeah. And I turned up and everyone was like, yeah, he's fucking, he goes sick. And I was like, no, he doesn't. He's such a muppet. Yeah, he reinvented himself as the hard kid. We had a hard kid sent to, so I went to this country school where it was

like there was six people in my class uh so it was like just literally like just flowers and cows and goats like we were just wait and that was just a normal school well no well it was just particularly rural like so we're farmers so it's like a rural school school for me is that that's like the class size is that like my grandma paid loads of money for but you just got that fucking we just got it from that sentence sounded bad by the way my grandma we got it from just being in a an isolated weird place so but we had it but sometimes uh children from the town would be sent out because our our little place was like this little kind of utopian place where people chat to uh butterflies and you know what I mean,

like befriended squirrels and stuff. So we were innocent. We were very innocent children. So then bad kids from the town would be like sent out for rehabilitation because they would melt in the presence of our kindness and our joy. They would see the error of their ways. But like literally this fella came out. His name was Daryl Cummins.

He was a good lad, but there was a nastiness there. You know what I mean? There was a cruelty to him. And so when he arrived, first order of business was just to tell us all that fucking Santa's not real. He just, first thing he did, first thing he did, like first day in, number one, Daryl Cummins, number two,

if you give me a punch in'll punch you in the face. Santa's not real, right? And so this is how innocent we were. We just went, all right, yeah, yeah. As soon as he turned his back, we were like, he must think we're fucking stupid. Santa's not real. And where would my father get a sleigh, you stupid cunt?

You fucking idiot. We thought he was the biggest flute of all time just because he doesn't get presents because he's fucking bold he's naughty

and he thinks we're going to believe that we thought he was such an idiot I had it all the time oh yeah we called people so

stop being bold if a child is misbehaving they're bold yeah stop being so bold brave almost no you're just

bold you're just bad it's bad i was a bold child like if the font was in bold yeah yes it stands out you got a you went to private school in year three keep going oh right yeah keep telling your story thanks mate uh yeah well uh but no my point is is i just didn't work there because that would have been a different story do you know what i mean but yeah the school i worked at was just like a regular primary school but my school was west very odd place yeah what's this about the dance troupe because i've literally just got had a dance troupe i just

want to know about it i mean we have we have the name yeah we have the name no no but these are the things this is a classic because someone's that this is just my stand-up, and I hate to break it to you, but it's not true. No. Come on, Danny. You thought I had a dance trip called Neurodiversity. Come on, man. It's so good. This is a big operation. We wanted to believe you.

This is like couldn't believe his eyes when he was reading it. This is fucking good. gold No I write this stuff Oh no Sorry fellas I know That's why I tried to Wait Stand-ups lie

Yeah I know Is this true You're into hot You're into hot twinks How the fuck do you know that Have you been looking at my porn history Wait

I like like Yeah like twinks. Is that from another podcast? Yeah. You don't know what you get. This is just a fact sheet that we get given by... Oh, the East Ads. Right, I understand, understand.

Hot twinks. Do you know what a twink is? Isn't it like a tiny little gay man? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. A little skinny, drug-addled, bulimic gay man. Yeah, that's what I like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's been full title. It's been audio, but yeah. I just shot... A little gay man with shock and anxiety. No, I'm not. He's troubling. It's not a turn on their mental. Like a mad little troubled man.

Every time we've had a member of the gays in the room. Community. The gays community. I've had it the best though so far. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. oh absolutely yeah i'm doing that for you fellas yeah i asked i asked laddie dean this because uh i wanted to he's another well as well yeah he's another covert one yeah yeah yeah undercover yeah but are you the bummer or the bummy because i'm obsessed with this because well no but i have but I have though, because the fact that like,

I didn't know until a few years ago that the gays like just picked one and then relatively speaking, like they stuck to their one role. Yeah. I didn't know that. I just thought you were like, you know, my dick in your ass, let's swap around.

So we go, you just mad to me. Like you said like, no, I just get bummed and you just do the bumming. Yeah, what do you think, Adam? What do I think you are? and you just do the bumming. Yeah. What do you think, Adam? What do I think you are? I think you're the bummer. I think you are absolutely battering bumholes. Thanks for having me, yeah.

Am I right? Yeah, yeah, of course. Can you get with another bummer? You what? Can you get with another... I guess you just wouldn't bum, right? You'd... No, you wouldn't bum right

you know you wouldn't you want my father are you seeing him that is not a lot of people notice but dumb but Dumbledore and Voldemort, they're both bummers. That is their problem. That is their big issue. So you didn't get on, yeah. There's one of the reasons they can do it to a like. Do bottoms get together? Do you just like kiss bums? I just don't think it happens, Carl.

No, it must happen. You can still be attracted to someone not based on how they have sex. I mean, typically, I'm not the best person to talk about this, but typically I think it's pretty inferred what you are. they have sex typically i i like i'm not the best person to talk about this but like uh like typically i think it's pretty inferred what you are you know like like a bottom like i i've not had loads of sexual experience but every time i have it's been there's not been a conversation

it's just obvious they have holes in their in their jeans yeah yeah holding the back of the dream instead of bottom holding the front instead of top such a good system so you just like you just know inherently

like what you are I mean I'm sure there's a lot of people that say oh no like sometimes there's yeah it just tends to be like the more masculine one

right it's going to be doing the bumming yeah I don't know some people are versatile as well and some people were were bummers like me and then end up realizing they'll have a go at bumming later on do you know what i mean yeah bumming bumming yeah yeah bumming and rhapsody yeah

poignant rhapsody pretty good yeah bumming and Rhapsody. I think we got it. Yeah? Yeah. I just thought you were slow to react, to be honest. Freddie Mac, you can be in both of them. Yeah. Can you not just say one night, I want to get bummed? What?

Yeah, I guess. I've never been bummed, but I reckon if I live to like 50, I'll be bummed at some point. I think that's all of us, don't we? Yeah. That is mad. Look at Will. That is mad. Look at Will. That is mad that he can be gay, have gay sex,

but never do that. Yeah. I was like, I thought he just like switched it up. Just doesn't like, genuinely doesn't cross my mind. It would have seemed to me originally, it'd be incredibly ungenerous

not to offer up your hole. If you've just stuck it in someone else's hole and then you're like, yeah yeah I'm actually not into that it's like getting you round I'll get you next one you're round turn around do you know what

are you the are you the we did well but now you see because I'm I'm not like that experience if someone said that to me and maybe I think oh is that the etiquette

I had no idea like fuck oh is that when you buy cocaine and the next day you get charged for it you have to send it

you're like fucking hell I didn't know that was the deal like yeah thought they were gonna meet for free

yeah I thought it was friendship but no they were charging you but my friend a good friend of mine Rob very funny comic as well

Rob Moriarty but he he's great I hosted King Gong when he won it yeah he's unreal hilarious

but he blew he went to a guy's house and blew and blew the guy blew the blew his cock asunder you know and your man

shagged his head and everything like it trottled his head and Rob said all's fair in his head and everything like it trottled his head and Rob said all's fair in the love and war so he trottled his head chips in his

chips into Rob's gob Rob swallows it like a champ next thing your man just gets onto bed and goes to sleep and Rob literally had to start

like trying to shake and being like lad wake up there will you like every other man I swear to god he's like can you suck my cock he was like i never said i'd suck your cock that'd be disgusting oh i was like what a lack of what a lack of decency like yeah i think if he's gay I think everybody

in this room needs an immediate break it's the final section we're still here with Mick and Dan the Irishman the three Irishmen

anyone call you Mick no but I don't mind it now I don't like Mickey or Mikey but I like Mick Mike Michael's fine Mickey Rice is sick though

isn't he Mickey Rice but Mickey is just the decal decal dicks Mickey's here sick though isn't he huh Mickey Rice but Mickey is just do you call do you call dicks Mickey's here no we don't see in Ireland

we'd be like Mickey is your cock yeah do you know what I mean like you have a smelly Mickey on you do you know what I mean that's what I'd say to you

you're the richest you've got a smelly Mickey on you you can smell it from here watch your Mickey old podcasts have been like good fucking god You've got to smell Mickey, aren't you? I can smell it from here. Watch your Mickey. All podcasts have been like, good fucking God. It's not as a fucking cheesecake factory. Sticky Mickey.

Yeah. In the break, I was earwigging you two. Yeah. And you were talking about something that happened in Spain. Yeah, well, so me and Dan went, we took a little trip to Spain. You two? Yes. I didn't know you were that close.

Yeah. Well, so we. But it wasn't just us, crucially. Yeah, it wasn't. It wasn't like a romantic trip. Because I'd say we're close, but we're not. Yeah. It would be insane if me and you went to Spain together.

That would be insane if we went to Spain together. No, but we're friendly and we had been around. Friendly? Huh? Yeah. That was like, we're civil. Yeah. We will pass.

We'll pass ourselves with each other. No, but like, we're civil yeah we will pass uh we'll we'll we'll pass ourselves with each other no but like like we're we're friends but so but um so me patty young john splan and dan after the fringe one year we're like let's go on a fucking a little holiday so we went to spain to help a few shows in barcelona and um and at that time it's funny because like Dan, this was maybe 2019. Right before COVID. Right before COVID, yeah. And none of us, we were all, no one was anywhere in comedy at that point.

Pim and Paddy both got nominated for Best Newcomer this year. Like, it's so unbelievable. And I did a lot of cocaine this year. So everyone did something. Actually fucking have a word. Like some have a word lads coming out my show afterwards and this is the worst of rax and was just like do you want to stripe in the jacks strap on the jacks and he just brought me down to the jacks and got me absolutely fucking off off my fucking rocker struggled so much with his coke addiction because so many of

our listeners like i know you've quit the coke but do you want some now though yeah every show he ever does i know you've got a problem lads i know but just like a little cheeky one yeah and i had i was pretty sure i had covered at the time as well i was not in good form but you can't turn it down either do you know that can way you're like free coke what yeah i'm not i'm not who am i the king of france I can't turn that down. That's the only person who says it. He's notorious for it. Danny, are you a drugsman? Am I? We're not the mans. No, I know that, but you seem like you could be, though.

Do you know what I mean? I think it's just because we're so high on life, Dan. People just look at me and Carl and they go, do you know what, they're doing it so right. They must be on performance in Hands and Drugs, but it's just joy. But if you did cocaine, you'd become a dictator of a small country somewhere. I've done it though,

and genuinely, like, I just don't get it, really. Like, I don't, like, it's not being shite, it's just, it just doesn't do it for me, and there's just something a bit icky about it, you know what I mean? Oh, it does get rotten towards the end of Annie Nice. Yeah, it's gross. It is disgusting, but lovely at the same time.

Do you know what I mean I know yeah I just never like also like I like the feeling of being pissed so like I don't want

to delete the last five pints I've had I want to be I want to be eight Guinness in that's me at my absolute peak yeah

I did Dan do you ever have a wank when you're on Cogar tried to have one yeah yeah yeah because I had one there when I did yeah yeah yeah that have a wank when you're on Cogar tried to have one yeah yeah yeah because I had one

there when I did yeah yeah yeah that's the only reason I do it a lot of people do it at the pub I stay at home big old wank

just you at home me and my Mickey just a bit of lube a bit of coke just you at the pub because I got given a little bump after a show and I was like I'm just going home Just a bit of lube A bit of coke Just to get that Because I got given A little bump after a show

And I was like I'm just going home Straight after a show I was sick and everything This is the night after I'd done it with your man Who looked like Just a shaved head

Liverpool fella That came in to strive The next night A Northern Ireland lad Is like trying to bump And I was like I'm going straight home to bed So I was like

I'll just do the bump And go home to bed So I did the bump And then went home But then I was just there And then I was like Well sure Jeez I'm up now I to bed. So I was like, I'll just do the bump and go home to bed. So I did the bump and then went home. But then I was just there and then I was like, well, geez,

I'm up now. I better have a wank. I swear to God, this was, I think 70 minutes. Yeah, Dan says he has hour wanks. Yeah.

I honestly, it sounds awful. It does sound awful. Awful. Lads, it's shocking. I was like a fucking fly caught in a spider web.

Do you know what I mean? Like the sheets were just painted onto me. Occasionally on a hangover, I'll have like a little extended, like a director's cut wank where it's like eight minutes. But that is like an absolute top end limit. Like what are we doing here?

I was just getting the demon out of me. It was like Ali Fraser, me and my cock. Like Dennis Lewis. Just get it done. In and out. I'm going to score S say, is he one? Can I... Oh, my.

But you know, you're on coke, though, as well, so you kind of fancy the challenge, you know what I mean? Oh, my. You're kind of loving the... Like, after a while, you take a break, you're in one corner, your cock's in the other, you're both getting fucking... Ice.

I don't know, you see no bell? I don't know, you see no bell? That's how it works, Rocky. Yeah. I don't see no bell. I can't feel my bell. Yeah. I can't feel my bell. I can feel my bell. That's how it works, Rocky. Yeah. I can feel my bell. Yeah. I can feel my bell. I could, like, hear my, like, coaches from when I was younger shout as I was wanking,

like, come on, Mikey Rice. Come on, Mike. You can fuck off. Are you chasing the jizz or are you just liking it? No, I'm chasing the jizz, lad. But I'm wanting to fucking cum but I'm on antidepressants and coke so it's like it's doubly hard to get there.

But finally I was just like lad there's there was blood there was like families crying outside my window they're like no senor no and then when I came lad I fucking it went I'm talking this went through the fucking ozone layer you know what I mean like like this fucking came to moon's face like what the fuck i swear to god

yeah but um but so me and dan were in barcelona uh and uh so we were doing this show right but it's the worst it was bad it was really bad like yeah when we arrived i i went in first into the room and i just immediately turned around to look at the referee like we're gonna fucking bomb here yeah it's a shit yeah why did you even arrange them though if you've gone on all these can you just go and because it's when we're at that point where i think we all like like gigging together in edinburgh so let's go and do the best way to replicate the edinburgh experience would be to go away and gig in retrospect i think we were all like why are we doing these rotten

little gigs yeah because we could actually be having a pleasant time on this holiday and yet we're we're stuck for hours in this fucking miserable situation but so we're all just fucking we all just fucking eat shit but we're all also getting fucking hammered at the same time so we're getting pissed yeah you know i was like a little sucky calf with the whiskey and then we were the whole show as well yeah so there's some ropey mc uh i can't remember who that was yeah and then your mate what was his name mad cunt comic something tiernan don't look at tiernan

he's got the same surname as me yeah yeah yeah very funny for a second there I thought you were talking in the third place mad cunt mad cunt

what a lot of competitions fucking weird Irish head you know him dinner lady mong sorry listen you can say it Monk! Sorry.

Listen. You can say it. You can't catch stuff. Can't catch things. No, but I am disabled, yes. Yeah. I am a... All right. Now it's just going in the trailer, that.

Yeah. It absolutely is. So anyway, and then... we we finish off to get and anyway we're all fucking full of piss and vinegar after the gig you know that was shite we've all died it was like why do we do that and then dan was outside so you were out chatting to this one or this girl because we're all then outside just smoking or whatever outside on the street the audience were coming out you're trying not to make eye contact with them and then what does this your one comes up to you.

So I was a few of them and they're talking to me and they're basically saying like, they're just giving me loads of advice. Like, don't talk about this. Like audiences here don't like that. Like, you know, you need to talk more. One of them was like, it was quite cool. It's like, you need to talk more about your face and stuff.

Kind of. You're not really using what you've got. Yeah, yeah. You need to make reference to your, to this. and stuff kind of you're not really using what you've got yeah yeah it was a good part you need to make reference to your to this yeah if you see my last show i definitely did take that advice on board as well to be fair but they're just being genuinely like quite nasty yeah i might just here's this going on and comes over like yeah well so i heard it going on i might one of my big pet peeves is just anyone giving anyone advice about anything i don't like

it um yeah well we're gonna be giving advice about no they're working out on their own fuck off do you know what i mean life will do that for them but one thing but you don't like people who haven't done comedy this site they've never gone once up on stage and next thing they're fucking giving someone a lecture that does it all the fucking time has dedicated their life to it so them ones were just like being fucking condescending to Dan so I was fucking about seven whiskies

deep and I was you know just full of fucking hate I had hate in my heart you know so I just went over to one of them and I was like what the fuck are you saying to Dan I was like you stupid fucking rotten I don't know if i said i think what you did that was worse is you explained to her why what she was doing was so hurtful to me yeah and it completely broke the woman yeah she starts crying yeah mike leaves

so i'm just being a crying woman so mike Mike's come over to help you, made a woman cry and gone, yeah, I'm out actually. So now I'm like hugging her, consoling her, like apologising. Oh yeah, I was the villain in the situation. But so yeah, I was like, because I really dug it into her. I was like, do you not see how absolutely horrible what you're doing is to him right now? How condescending. Imagine if he came into your job after never doing it and just started telling you to do your job.

The disrespect, the fucking rotten disrespect. You're an awful, like I was just really just trying to get her to kill herself. But like, I didn't, like as in, I didn't want that. But like in that moment, you know, there was a nastiness. The whiskey. There's a person in my head right now. Yeah. And I know there's a chance this person might kill themselves.

Yeah. Because they're having a really bad time. Yeah. And I don't want that to happen. Yeah. But I also don't want them to ever not have that feeling. Right. Like, that's how much I hate them.

I want them to be that sad forever and never do it. Yeah. Like I didn't want her to do that, but I did want to. I love how Mike's trying to plan on with his story. Who is it? I can't say it. I'll bleep it. No, no.

I'm not even risking it. I'm not even risking you putting a bleep in and then accidentally in our bit nudges it. I can't. I'm not. The second we hit that button, I'll tell you. Sorry. I thought you were saying, Adam, that that was you.

No, no, no. Because you said there's a person in me. No, no, no. So I was like, there's a person in my head. And you're like, hi. And you thought I was. Well, I love that you just thought he was saying he's suicidal.

And I was like, anyway, back to my. No, I'm really sad, Mike. I'm thinking of ending it right now. I really want them to kill themselves. But I hope they don't. I was like, are we just going to address this? Right, okay. I'm glad that that's not you, Adam.

No, I'm... Are we ready to give some advice? Yes. No, you hate it? You hate advice, but everyone else can give it. I don't mind advice when I give the advice. Because that's from a man who bloody who's lived a life. Yeah.

Right. This first one is anonymous. If you've got any correspondence, send it to haveawordpod at gmail.com. Hi, lads. Need some urgent advice, but please keep me anonymous. I'm 25 and recently single. Past couple of weeks, I've had a thing going on with this 23 year old girl from columbia studying over here on our second date at the end of the night i was getting a good vibe so leaned in for

a kiss but she pulled away she told me that she'd never actually kissed anyone before on our next date she came over to mine and i showed her the ropes of necking on stopping once or twice to legitimately tell her stopping once or twice to legitimately tell her where she was going wrong. We've planned another date round at mine and the chance of taking things further are very high. However, I'm not sure if I want to be the one responsible for taking

this girl's V card. Am I being a fanny and should just go for it? Or is the responsibility of being someone's first actually important? And I shouldn't be the one to do it if I have no intention of getting a relationship with a girl

lie make lies up this is how you kiss lie yeah with a banter don't shag about it oh yeah

teaching how to be a fucking revolting kisser and then just free it into the world yeah lie teaching all the wrong stuff also

do you know what first of all this guy sounds like a massive fanny himself like should I take her like she wants to have Yeah. Like teaching all the wrong stuff. Also, do you know what? Hands down sex? First of all, this guy sounds like a massive fanny himself. Like, should I take her virginity? Like, she wants to have sex with me, let her have sex with me. It's fucking, like, she's 23, it's time. And Colombian as well.

You'd be doing her a favor. A Colombian 23 year old. First of all, she's lying. Let's just all say that. She is full of shite. You can't, like, let's take her at face value for a minute she's never kissed anyone before you can't then be given a tutorial while you're doing it you just have to go for it and never kiss the girl what if she's 23 in a columbian she's never kissed anyone

this must be the ugliest columbian girl that there's ever been think about it this is these are this is the hot these are the hottest people yeah but i think you take that out of it doesn't matter huh it's just well she's religious huh she's religious she could be very religious yeah but she's obviously turning her back on christ now if she's looking for this lad's rotten kiosk isn't she would you teach someone else to kiss michael just move away i would teach no i'd teach but i think it'd be fun like you said teach her wrong like you start by

biting her ears you know what I mean like just fucking work her oh me lips start sucking on her nose for about get out both of these

get out both of these first but sure if your woman says if she's saying hey listen put that that out

that old rotten cock in me why would you not oblige the woman? Do you know what I mean? He sounds like a bit of a gimp, doesn't he? I think so. Showing her the ropes and neck and everything. She's like, I've never kissed, and he's like,

well, I'm like an expert. Like, I'm showing her and that. It's a bit funny. He doesn't sound like he's an expert in anything. No. He's worried about having sex with a woman because she hasn't had sex with anyone before. Yeah.

Like, first of all, even if you're shite in bed, which is entirely possible, of course, if you're shite in bed, she's got no frame of reference. The best she's ever had. What? You're the best she's ever had. Literally impossible for it to be any other way. Yeah.

Like, look, if this is all real, then you've got to be really sort of courteous and nice and make sure it's a good experience for her. But stop being a fucking big space idiot. Yeah. Be really, be really sound and go down on her for a long long time do that start with that start with that and for ages like hours just days days weeks get a bag of coke to keep yourself awake while you're down there. She's from Colombia. There you go.

She brought it on. There you go. It's a small business. Yes. The cycle begins. Absolutely. 100%. Just be the most gentle, beautiful, kind lover

and learn a bit of Spanish as well. No, not be gentle. I mean, first time, yeah, be gentle. First time, come on. But like, I don't know send them a few you have sent them a few andrew tate videos that tate says that's how that's ideal virgin is ideal yeah andy tate king tate yeah you know we know what you're talking about yeah do you live your life by tate yeah what would tate do hasn't done wasn't andy tate give a gig set till end of

the season well no he's your man that does noisy that's fucking andy tate the season it's Andy Tate yeah that's Andy Tate you're watching what Andrew says well no he's your man that does Moisey that's fucking Andy Tate isn't it Andy Tate the Tate Modern yeah

the museum yeah Andrew Tate runs the Tate Modern yeah well I don't know if you're right he's certainly

a big patron of it yeah he would have contributed a lot he would have put a lot of exhibitions in Tracy Emmett

is a big fan yeah so Andrew Tate listen to Tate says it best when he says get them young when they're um virgins now i think tate is my is a sex trafficker maybe no he is he is but like he has a lot of he says a lot of great stuff like he says get rich and buy a car that's good advice that's one of his big points yeah get rich and buy a car stop being

poor stop being poor stop being poor own stuff and uh shag shag a load of young virgins and this guy and you think and you look at that and you say hey that's a roadmap i can follow do you know what i mean yeah anything else for him go watch some some Andy Tate videos on TikTok and you'll get it all from that give it a kick at the end of the season you want to cry

cry cry for this I just want to say I don't it is really funny by the way to live in a world where Andrew Tate

is just Andy Tate who's lost the weight fast by the way that is a lovely world to live in he went on Big Brother he's lost all the weight got fucking ripped moved to fucking Romania and now he's like this fucking That is a lovely world to live in. He went on Big Brother.

He's lost all the weight, got fucking ripped, moved to fucking Romania, and now he's like this fucking meninist gobshite cunt. But in the end, all he truly cares about, the reason he's started trafficking and abusing women is because he can't handle the demise of Manchester United. That is a world that I can live in. Right, we've got another bit of advice. Please keep me anonymous as the missus listens.

For obvious reasons, you're about to hear, I think it's something best kept secret. This isn't specific to her, but it's for any girl I've dated. Luckily, it's just specific to girls I've had sexual relations with. When they cry, I get an erection. Not every time, but the majority, especially if we have argued

about something they have done wrong. It seems like I'm not the only one from a quick Google. So does this happen to any of you? Any advice on how I handle this? Cheers, lads. Andy Tate gets an erection

when we cry as well, doesn't he? He can't come unless they're crying. That's a fact. Are you nodding as in this is a thing for you? Oh, 100%, yeah. What? I'm better than someone being upset.

What are we talking about? Just shake it apart! Thank God for that. I tell you, this is the absolute truth. It starts to really worry me, the lunatics we've gathered as a family. Oh, I love making women cry. They're not crying.

I can't come anyway. What do I do about that? Have a baby with me. Oh, with them, we're not crying I can't come anyway what do I do about that have a baby oh with them they're not crying enough what's going on grief is an aphrodisiac Adam Sinead O'Connor mate

famously yeah so we were all as hard as fucking granite when O'Connor passed no when she died yeah

no I mean when she cried in the video oh sorry alright it's been 15 days Yeah. No, I mean when she cried in the video. Oh. Sorry. All right. It's been 15 days since you took your love away. So Vittorio, and I'll out him right here now,

Vittorio gets turned on by grief and pain. Vittorio Angelone. The grief and pain of others that's true i'm killing all the relatives as missus oh sorry babe come here yeah come here yeah yeah hang on so there's dan do you like when like do i like it when women cry no did you get aroused when people no i don, I think it's interesting how this person's like, keep me anonymous because the missus listens.

Like his missus is going to be like, oh, it's not just him. Oh, that's good. Oh, thank God for that. I don't think he's told his missus is the thing. Oh. I don't think he's being like, hey, babe, can you cry for me? Because it gets me. I think he's writing into us because he's like...

Because you can't say that. When you cry, I you cry for me? Because it gets me. I think he's writing into us because he's like. You can't. You can't. You can't say that. When you cry, I get turned on and I don't know why. So that means there's loads of have a word missuses thinking. That's mad, isn't it? That is mad. But I think in reality, when a girl is crying and they're emotional and then you're over and you're like, oh, hey, it's all right.

And then there's kind of the wetness. No, do you know what it is? It's probably like a man thing. Do you know what I mean? Like, I will look after you. And that means fucking you. I will look after you and put an air in your belly

who will also look after you. And then, you know what I mean? And not just me, I'm going to make another little fella that's going to look after you as well. It's broody.

It's broody. They're crying. I'm going to make another little fella that's going to look after you as well. It's broody. It's broody. They're crying. I'm going to make another little fella. No, but does it difference? That's a good Irish expression. Does it difference between liking the idea of being there for someone when they're going through something and there's a difference between that

and she's upset. I want to fucking smash her head in. Like it is like. Yeah, no, you're right. Getting erect when someone cries is wild. That is not good. Yeah. And you can't choose like. Yeah. No, you're right. Getting erect when someone cries is wild. That is not good. Yeah. And you can't choose like what gets you erect,

but it's not really a defense, is it? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pedophiles can't either. But I judge them. Just stop it. Pedophiles don't cry. There we go.

Let's end pedophilia now. Stop it. Yeah. Stop it. Enough. Cut it out. Stop acting the maggot. It's bloody horseplay and well you know it. Right? Horseplay? Enough. Cut it out. Stop acting the maggot. It's bloody horseplay and well you know it.

Right? Horseplay? Enough. It isn't your thing, it's roleplay. I think we've come to a natural end. Watch our tell pedophiles. It's just apt that Dan's not here

and we'll do a camera tell everyone to stop fucking kidding. Dan will beat the allegations. Don't worry. Mike, tell everyone where people can, where they can find you on the internet

and if you've got anything coming up. So, at Mike Rice Comedy on Instagram, I have a tour that I'm doing in the spring. All tickets are now live on MikeRiceComedy.com

and going all over the UK and Ireland. So, if you're anywhere, just go MikeRiceComedy.com I'm going all over the UK and Ireland so if you're anywhere just go MikeRiceComedy.com look it up you'll see the date that's near to you I have a special on YouTube An Irish Disgrace so go watch that if you want to see more or see some of my stand up

and I have a podcast Mike and Vittorio's Guide to Parenting and Big Mike and the Chief check them out they're good Dan over to you same thing yeah it's just Dan Tiernan I'm on Instagram I'm doing a mini tour And Big Mike and the Chief, check them out. They're good. Wonderful. Dan, over to you. Same thing. Yeah, it's just Dan Tiernan.

I'm on Instagram and I'm doing a mini tour. So London, Manchester, Edinburgh, Glasgow and London again. And I think dantiernan.com will work, but if not, just my bio, I think. Wonderful. My name is Adam Rowe. I'm always here, you know. Peter Foyles can cut it out. Yeah, just pack it in.

Just pack it in. My tour runs up until March, but I do have some extra dates being announced soon. It might even be as early as next week, with some very exciting news. I'm very excited about it. Big one coming up, Manchester Apollo on the 9th of December.

There is some tickets near the back of the circle, still remaining. Do come and see it we're going to make it quite the party adamrode.co.uk um and finn do you have one of your things we've got a song that's what they're called got a song yeah uh this is a band called glass nerve and this is their tune that came out last month called foreplay wonderful who doesn't love a bit of foreplay too long well who who do you want to stop doing the foreplay? Pedophiles.

What an advert. Let can we just be a hundred percent clear? We're not saying go straight to fucking. That's what it sounded like. Cut it out. Just to be a hundred percent clear. Yeah. Don't do any of it.

None of it. None of it. We're not saying cut to the shades. We're saying cut it out completely. In fact, if you have to do it keep to 4.0 yeah more time to

you know yeah get stopped yeah okay The years I walked around trying not to be a savior Became a zombie on my own in the meantime Such frequent tears always bound by my misbehavior I'd sense a tremor and sink it down with cheap wine

But something changed in me, I can see things a little clearer I'm on my knees, everything that I do is for ya I'm so emotional every time I hear your name So if I come on a little too strong Cause no one can make me feel like you do No one, no one can make me feel the way you do No one, I gotta hold my hands up to you Cause no one, no one can make me feel the way that you do I've been feeling different, a wiser, now I'm getting older

And yes, I guess a little better in the meantime I tried to get a medication just to curb this fever I'm not obsessed, that said, you're taking over my mind Something changed in me, I can feel things a little deeper Under my skin, learning not to give it all up for ya I need to love myself before anyone else Cause sometimes I come on a little too strong It's just

No one can make me feel like you do No one, no one can make me feel the way you do No one, I gotta hold my hands up to you Cause no one, no one can make me feel the way you do No one, I gotta hold my hands up to you Cause no one, no one can make me feel The way that you do The way you do, the way you do, the way you do The way you do, the way you do, the way you do The way you do, the way you do, the way you do

The way you do, the way you do, the way you do The way you do, the way you do, the way you do Let's say for a second I'm not lost in your eyes I didn't kiss you, beat myself up for the rest of the night Dreaming you're screaming my name at the top of your lungs You're slow-mo run to me And knowing that you also feel this too No one can make me feel like you do No one, no one can make me feel the way you do No one, I gotta hold my hands up to you Cause no one, no one can make me feel the way that you do No one can make me feel like you do

No one, no one can make me feel the way you do No one, I gotta hold my hands up to you Cause no one, no one can make me feel the way that you do No one, no one can make me feel the way that you do. Thank you.