Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #252 with Danny Davies - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: November 27, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan's Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsGet tickets for Finn's Liverpool gig: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastDanny Davieshttps://twitter.com/dannydcomedianhttps://instagram.com/dannydaviescomedianADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, lads? Before we start today's amazing episode, got to tell you about Adam Rowe's tour that is still on! It is still on. I've got some dates left this year and more dates into next year, and it's been extended as far as May next year. Some really big news coming soon. The big show left this year, Manchester Apollo, on the 9th of December. There's still some tickets left up the back of the circle. Go and get them and come and be part of the biggest night of my career as a personal, as a solo artist so far uh i'm very very excited but there are dates all over the country and all

over ireland as well adamrow.co.uk for all of your tickets now this is the have a word podcast i'm sure you're aware of that but we have got the biggest and best patreon in the uk and one of the biggest on the planet why is it one of the biggest and best, Daniel? Because every week we do a patron exclusive, an hour, an hour and a half of just the lads talking shit. Hyperbolic's the best podcasting we do. And that's only available on Patreon. £3 a month, £5 a month or £10 a month. You can pick your tier, but even from just £3 a month,

you get access to the extra episode every week. You get early access to these public episodes. And on top of that, the piece de resistance for us is our monthly patreon specials the roast of adam and dan we've done two ghost hunts the amount of lock-ins we've done in here where we all get pissed there's nashville the ghost hunts oh my god there's so many are we up to about 25 plus now it's so many there's so much content there and you get it all immediately the second you sign up for three quid patreon.com slash have a word pause the video It's about 25 plus now. There's so many. There's so much content there and you get it all immediately the second you sign up for three quid.

For three quid. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Pause the video, go and sign up and then come back because this week's episode is about to end. Join the... Wag wag leads. You're listening to the funniest podcast in the game

from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go, Ed, get on me. Hoo-ha. Hoo-ha, so you got a great ass.

You got a great ass. And you got your head. I love it. I'm going to try and split the G on this lovely Guinness. It's a Fanta car. A pint of Fanta, isn't it? I don't reckon you can do it. That's settled.

Come back to that in half an hour, it'll be fine. Oh, that's gassy. It's done. In the future, you're watching this Saturday or Monday. You know what I mean? In the future. But tonight's your big night, lad. Fill them on a call.

I cannot wait to do a little 10-minute spot. It's going to feel like a night off with a bit of fun. And I'm going to have, I think, 17 and a third pints of Guinness tonight. You're going to leave that third. I think I'll get a third of the way into the 18th one and I'll just be like, you know what? I've had enough.

Let's do tomorrow morning. How's it going to go? Welcome to tomorrow morning. Dan's just started a health kick because he's craved on his couch. And he's starting a health kick tomorrow? A little bit Jordan. I'm off the vapes.

Yes! From tomorrow. I'm using the hangover as a springboard to not vape anymore. Have you watched Jewel yet? I will watch it tomorrow. Okay. Oh, no, I won't.

I'll not be hungover so that I don't have a full health anxiety attack because I think I've caught it off him. And then Friday I'll watch it. But I'm off. I'm off them. Why? Why? Because, you know, they're bad, aren't't they i can't believe you let me start vaping and they make you look like a

pedophile yeah yeah yeah yeah honestly i know we take the piss out of it but it does look so fucking ridiculous yeah i know can we have some jeopardy here then what happens if you do vape again it's like skydive cherry nicotine no we want to we want some jeopardy here you're not just going to go on back on it and we just laugh all right cool if i vape again? It's like skydive. Cherry nicotine. No, we want some jeopardy here. You're not just going to go, oh, I'm back on it, and we just laugh. All right, cool. If I vape again, I'll kill myself. There you go.

On pod, though. On pod. No, no, no, no, no. No? Too much? Well, that's a lot of jeopardy, Carl. Do you know, if you come in here with a vape one more time and someone spots it,

that week's Dan Mason's food is a variety of eggs. That's a good one. Genuinely. That's a good one. Yeah, but what if I kill myself as the eggs come out? There you go. We both got away. No, do you know what? You can vape as much as you want for the rest of time, but every time you take one puff

on a vape, you've got to have an entire egg. You put a vape in your mouth, you're eating an egg. Every puff you have, you're going to have an egg. That's the original, every breath you take. Every puff you have, you've got to have an egg. That was lovely, I heard that in the headphones.

You are an egg. Nah, for once, let me say that. Can we say that in public, lad? That's a really bad vice. Yeah. You've got other vices that I'm okay with? Yeah, pussy. Yeah, pussy's a fine vice.

But only one pussy. I've accepted that I'm a Guinness man now. So, uh... Just now. When have you accepted that? Well, you know, I had that little eight weeks off the air, didn't I? And I thought for a while, this could be the new me.

And it isn't. I know exactly what you mean and we were all like well this is Adam now forever let's just ride sensible Adam out for a little while

he's back I haven't had a Guinness for ten days I'm so excited mad have you survived I don't know fucking putting up with all your boring chat

while I haven't had a fucking few boners. Boners. Oh, I can't wait. I'm so... Do you know what? Every time we've had like a big drink since we've started this, I've somehow been involved in the event that's happening.

So it's either been like my birthday or it's been like a pod show or like one of my shows this is the first time we've had like an arranged drink where i have got basically no responsibility whatsoever yeah you just get to breeze on smash 10 as the surprise because no everyone thinks you're on tour yeah i i think most people are on to the fact that i'm going to be on i think that's sure he should be on yeah ishan they'll just feel it. He should be on. Yeah. Ishan's the surprise. Yeah.

Is he out? No, he's on. No, is he out though? Yeah. Oh, that makes it so much better. I didn't know that. Because I assume he is genuinely like elite. Yay.

I love it. I can't love going out with Ishan. He's the nicest man in the world. Yeah. Who are the other couple? Callum's coming down. Callum's down. Dean's down. Obviously, the world. Yeah. Who are the other, Callum's coming down. Callum's down, Dean's down.

Obviously Dean and Amy have been with me the whole tour. So that's nice. My sister's out with a mate. Laura's coming down. I've got Neil, who's a part of my neighbour, who's a part of the show.

He's not the gobshite from next door. No, no, absolutely. Martin. Oh man. He's so angry with me at the moment. Why? Just because it, we've just ignored him for so long.

I think people who like being eggy me at the moment why um just because it i'm we've just ignored him for so long and i don't i think i think people who like being eggy and yeah he wants a reaction and i'm i'm beyond giving a fuck we were putting the bins out and no just no physically i wasn't bumming him i think that's why i was filming because i wasn't talking to him. I was just pounding that ass. We were putting the bins out. What day's bin day for you? Sunday night is bin night because it's Monday morning pick up, right?

Tuesday, mate. So he was, I clocked that he was doing it. I was fucking around in the garage. You have a window. I just opened the window and I was, hey, every day's bin day. If you live here.

Stop that then. This pile's getting ridiculous. Chop, chop. I've got a bin chute. Yeah. Yeah. I have. Someone deals with that at the bottom.

Yeah, but it's not me. I put things in the chute and then they're gone forever. I accidentally put a bin bag full of clothes in it yesterday. I'll sort that out in a bit. Are they for the charity show? I need them for the charity show.

So he was put in bags full of clothes and the last one I was taking down to the car to put in the car to give to you. I also had rubbish in my right hand and what I did was I threw the clothes down the bin chute and when I got to my car I realised I still had the rubbish in my hand.

Oh well, there's going to be some lovely dressed people who live in the... But he still gave the rubbish to charity and that's the kind of guy he is. That is lovely. Some rappers in there sell them so i knew he was putting his bins out and i've i i'm not i'm so not arsed now that i'm like i'm not gonna just hang around the garage while you're that sounded like a euphemism um while he's putting the bins out so we were synchronized putting the bins out. So we were synchronized putting the bins out. We are like probably less than a meter apart. And I was just like whistling a tune.

And it wound him. That's like women syncing their periods up in it. It's men syncing and putting the bins out. Oh, he hates me. What tune was it though? It's so funny. You're a cunt. You're a cunt.

You're a big fat cunt. You're the biggest cunt in the whole wide world. Shagga's wife. She's a lovely name who else is coming come on so Martin's not coming erm

and then it's erm Jamie's coming I mean when Jamie Hutchison is like I'm coming down sober Freddy

not quite the draw that he used to be erm and then Ishan all of our lot. Rob Thomas, you say? Rob Thomas is coming down.

It's a proper group. And then everyone here. Squad. Celica's coming as well. She's coming out for a booner. She's coming out for a wand, but it's a school night, isn't it? Stiesberg. It's a really nice...

Who? What? Stiesberg. The Gaelic's in a relationship with him. They've been with him for several months. What? So she's coming. And Finn's boozing at the moment's in a relationship with him. They've been with him for several months. What? So she's coming. And Finn's boozing at the moment.

It's a great guy. Finn's boozing now. What do you think's in that? Gin. It is. Sipping gin and juice in the AM. In the car. Damn.

So it's going to be a very good night. Very happy to be done with the tour. And it's been a pleasure. And it's just ending at the right spot. Apologies to everyone who bought a tea towel as part of the tour merch. I can say this now because the tour's done. They smell weird.

We got them from a really ethically sourced Chinese factory of misery, and turns out that's a cheaper way to buy tea towels but when they turn up and they smell funny you can't send them back because i don't think there's a return address that's the original name of tj use chinese factory of misery so amy amy owens from the mouth high club who's been selling this merch was like mate you need to tell you know because she's from st ellen's this merch was like, mate, you need to tell, you know, because she's from St. Helens. Yeah.

She was like, you've got to tell everyone that I don't smell. It's the tea towels. So, you know, they were very cheap tea towels, but.

Not been spraying them? Give them a wash. Yeah, we had some Febreze in the merch bag. What did they smell like? Damp cat piss. Not good.

Febreze in the merch bag is an Arthur Cunkey song. 100%. Febreze in the merch bag is an Arctic Monkeys song. 100%. Febreze in the merch bag. Synchronise Bindi. We're on New World's show. There's Febreze in the merch bag. Naughty towels smell like poo.

And I haven't got bollocks since Finn's last gig on June 24th. It is a lie. I went and got a bit bevy with Laura and Sheffield in August, but my proper night out where I got on it was June 24th. And I'm going to get on it again on December 15th.

Come down? At your next gig. And the ninth as well. Oh, yeah. I'm just trying to plug his gig. Oh, go and get tickets to Finn's gig. He's genuinely sad. I've got trying to plug his gig. Oh, go and get tickets to Finn's gig. He's genuinely sad. I've got more tickets left for the Manchester Apollo

than he's got left for his music one. Wait, he's sad. He's genuinely sad. Go and buy tickets. Stop being a dick. He's great. And it's boss. And they'll be there.

We won't be in Vegas having a boss time. But other people will be there. Go and get tickets. I'm doing an after party. I'm DJing. He's DJing as well. John Aldridge is going to be there, isn't he? he's DJing as well John Aldridge is going to be there isn't he

yeah by the way John Aldridge is there Tony Bellew is he really yeah who else is going to be there

oh Hugh Hefner's Hugh Hefner's dead Hugh Hefner's cousin Hugh Hefner's dick he's going to be there John Aldridge

Hugh Hefner's cousin at the gig yeah who else is going to be there Dan Pascal Schimbonder because obviously Harry knows him from Wigan.

Deborah Stevenson. Do you remember her? She's come in. Deborah Stevenson. Yeah. She's fit, isn't she? Who was that? Oh my God, from Bad Girls.

Yeah. The blonde comic. Yeah. Ism Chell in Bad Girls. Oh my God. I'd love her to slip my throat. You know, I swear to God. Famous, famous engineer

Ism Bard, Kingdom Brunel. He's going to be there. He slipped me throat, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. King Jungle. No, but she's got like that like mare that I like and it's fucking awful. famous engineer Isambard Kingdom Brunel he's going to be there flip me throat mate yeah yeah King John she's got like that like mare

that I like and it's fucking off of him so just go and get tickets the link is in the description if I've remembered maybe I have if it's not

it's all over Finn's socials it is it is the way to drink with the have a word lot because I think the last time the last time

we went do you know what let's all go drinking with everyone that's at a show was i think the roast the roast in pop world because after after the roast you went i remember saying right everyone's just gonna go to pop world now and you went i want to go to pop world and i went everyone's gonna be like everyone in this audience is gonna be in pop world you know and went, I need to go to Pop World. So we all went to Pop World. And it was class.

But when we, I think we had spread there, you know, because when we first got there, there was, like, maybe another 20 people in that place who, and they were all from the show. But within an hour or two hours. It was bouncing. Pop World, it was a full-on. Pop World?

After party. It was a full-on Pop World night. Yeah. It was totally chock-up, but every single person in the building had been at the roast, and it was chaotic, and it was class. What are we going to do tonight? Because everyone knows we're going to go to Pogues, so are we not going to go to Pogues,

or are we going to go to Bogues? You're going to end up in Teddy's, aren't you? I don't think it's open on a Wednesday downstairs, is it? No, it's student night, isn't it? It probably will be. We go to the Rubber Soul Loon. It's totally up to you tonight. It's open on a Wednesday downstairs, is it? No, it's student night, isn't it? It probably will be. We go to the Rubber Saloon. It's totally up to you tonight. It's your show.

I will. I'm telling you right now, I'm getting on it, and I will want it. You're drinking? It's going to be a big night. Drinking? Yeah, it's going to be a big night drinking.

He's also going to do Charlie. What? He's not in. You're going to do Charlie? No. No? Okay. I feel like that one. Maybe. What? He's not in. You're going to do Charlie? No. No? Okay. I feel like that one.

Maybe. No drugs for you, Dan. I'm just not very good at saying no if I'm pissed. Okay, we'll say no for you then. Especially when I'm asking people to... No, I'm joking. No, it's a boozy one, but I'm getting on it as in it's a proper night out. So are you going to want to go to Pogues?

Probably. I want to go to the best places well yeah i just i'm definitely going to want to go to teddy's because it's as long as you know like i'm i'm all for that and it's your night so as long as you know that when we walk in there it is going to be full and it's going to be full of your fans yeah maybe we do another place then yeah because it's a bit much a special day however after the uh gig you did at jimmy's that was my favorite it wasn't it was a nice amount of people wasn't it there was was it 150 people at jimmy's yeah oh no 200 and 6,000 220 but i reckon i just i love that atmosphere because also it's not a have a word live show or a big stand-up show everyone had come out to support you, and I love that. It was a great atmosphere.

I mean, even in Pogues, there wasn't too much, was there? We all had a good night. Well, maybe we just embrace the chaos and we go and see what it's like. We can always dip. Yeah, maybe. Do it again, buy tickets,

and Adam needs tickets selling for the Apollo. No, I mean, as of right now, if no one else buys a ticket for the Manchester Apollo, it is going to feel full anyway, but there's about 250 tickets at the very back still available. Do you know what? I'll just tell everyone.

On the rest of my tour, I've just had Alfie opening at the Manchester Apollo. I've got Alfie bringing Brennan up, Brennan bringing Jamie Hutchinson up, break, and then I'm doing my hour. And how much is it take you? Like 23 quid. It's definitely worth 23 quid, isn't it?

It's just a wall-to-wall fire show. And what I'm realizing is my show, I didn't ever think it would be because of how I do the show, but my show is a big room show. In the bigger rooms, it properly comes into its own, and it is going to be it's certainly going to be the best show of the year so far

I'm so excited and the support line-up is just absolutely ridiculous and I'm just very excited for it and I think I don't even I really like genuinely don't even care

if we sell another ticket obviously I want to sell as many as possible but adamro.co.uk. If you hear that line up and haven't got a ticket, just sell it out. I mean, that's just silly, innit? Alfie is on phenomenal form at the minute.

Brennan's always been great, and is one of my day one best mates in comedy. And Jamie is from Manchester, and one of the hottest comedians in the country. It's just, it's an absolute fire show. Absolutely unbelievably good. This goes out Monday morning, doesn't it? I was going to say, do you want to do that? Because that's Saturday.

Yeah, no, I can't do it right now, but for the patrons watching on Saturday, news coming Monday morning on socials, and if you're watching this on Monday morning, go to my socials and have a look at what I've just announced, because oooey! It's very exciting! It's very and if you're watching this on Monday morning, go to my socials and have a look at what I've just announced. It's very exciting.

It's very exciting. You want to announce it to like midday Monday, will you? It'll be 10 a.m. probably. Yeah, so if you've watched it, post 10 a.m., go over. I'm almost looking forward to a hangover. I know that seems weird. Are you happy to be, not happy to be done, but are you kind of, if you enjoyed it this tour like i've enjoyed it more than last year's tour i felt like i was pulled up and pushed down

or the other way around more like the good shows i was like flying just first tour isn't it yeah this tour has been more consistent and i've been more consistent and I've not boozed. Basically, I've had a few nights where I've had a few beers, but it's never got past four or five beers. After Dublin, which was an unbelievable show, I went out with a couple of mates. That was fun. But I've just been a bit more consistent. And I think I said this last week,

by the end of the tour last year, I was wiped out. And this one, if it was going on another three weeks, I could do it. But that's just because I've paced myself properly. So I'm just, the fact that it's Liverpool, the fact that it's our lot, the fact that it's the biggest room of the tour, it's sold out, it's the fill.

We know it because Adam did it last year, which is the only reason I got it this year because I had an in um and to end it in my new adopted work hometown of liverpool in front of our og hardcores and i know that the fact that it was 1500 tickets in one night i know those some of those people have traveled in for tonight or they'd have bought tickets other places but they wanted to be at the big one and i haven't done my show in a room this size. I did Shrewsbury, which was like 600. I can't wait to just like show off a bit.

I haven't seen your show. Enjoy the space. I'm going to get to laugh at it. Yeah. I'm going to get to laugh at his on the 9th because I haven't seen it. I'm going to literally enjoy it, which I can't wait for.

It's a nice feeling to get to the end of something, to have it all planned in and everything and then just know that you've done a good job and it's just timed well you don't have the pressure

of the filming as well yeah totally that's what I said the other day it's really really good to be doing such a big room and not have the pressure of oh and I'm filming it as well

you just get to enjoy being in such a great space oh there's so many things i'm not going to talk do a proper hour of stand-up till at least spring 2026 next year i'm going to do dan nightingale and fiends which is just a play on friends but me dean and amy and a headliner are going to do some dates there's probably going to be about 20 of them maybe 25 from march up until when we go to india in November. And no more than one a week. You haven't announced that yet.

In places where we sell some tickets. And I'm just going to compare. Next year, I'm pretty much only going to compare. And that also feels like, because I'm going to have a month or so off gigging. Maybe the best compare the UK has ever seen has scratched his ass and decided that he's just going to go back and do it again.

Can't wait. Clips out of it. Because when you finish a tour, if you know you've got to start one again, there's already a like, right, you take this time off and you've got to think about when you get the ball rolling

on the next show. I do not have to do that. And I think next year is going to be loads of fun. I feel like permanently coked up at the minute, you know. High on life, lad. Like everything's just sick. Do you want to announce India, Adam?

We're going to India. We're doing a charity bike ride. We're riding for it. Well, I announced that I was doing it. Yeah, but I suppose, yeah, but we're all... So we've all signed up. There will be GoFundMe's coming. All as in Adam, Dan, me and Finn. Us four are doing it.

So we've got to raise over five grand each in order to make this work. There'll be things over the next year, between now and next November. There's going to be GoFundMe links. We've all got our own separate ones. There's not going to be one big collaborative one. And it's for Zoe's Place,

which is the charity of choice for us. It's one of the charities we did the Christmas single for a few years ago. Whenever I do anything for charity, or I have a thing where I'm raising money, and people are like, oh, what charity do you want this for? I always just give it to Zoe's Place. They're a baby's hospice.

It's right next door to the school me and Carl went to, and they are doing a 450-kilometer over nine days bike ride across India, including riding through a wild tiger park. I would start at Taj Mahal as well. Yeah. Yeah. It is going to be the most challenging, but incredible thing any of us have ever done.

And of course we're taking Will, we're taking Jack Finnegan, and we're taking Martin R. Soundy. It's going to be an amazing Patreon special. We're going to film it as a Patreon special as well, the India special. That's November next year. But everything we raise is for the charity there.

You're going to see us at the Taj Mahal. How stupid that is. You're going to see one of us get eaten by a tiger. I need to start cycling because i'm doing really well with me running and just getting up and doing it but i haven't been safe and you need to get on the road as well oh and you need some pad i'm not i've been told i've got a very sensitive gooch i've got a vulnerable gooch right you're worried that the tigers aren't gonna be gentle with it no oh which bit do you want to be in for? If a tiger attacks you,

I think gooch first. No, eat me head. Just chew me head off. Chocula. Just crunch. Just kill me instantly. But they haven't got... And then have you done a kid?

No, but they... Chew your car, lad. No, they go for the chocula and they just cut your throat. Is it bears that just go, oh, look, split you open. Oh, look, I love a liver. Yeah, you're going to get to see us

at our best on our specials. You're going to see us at our best on our specials. You're going to see us at our lowest, probably, on this special. Yeah. Our real selves. Shitting your pants for 450 kilometres is going to be fun, isn't it? Like, pissed off, I've done 50 kilometres of cycle today and I've got a camera in my face. Yeah.

So you're going to see some realness. I can't wait to find, like, a little hipster Indian restaurant where they do, like, a government dress and... Hipster? Hipster? Oh, it's going to be so hard and bad it's going to be fucking awful

mango latte and a jam jar pretty crazy yeah it's going to be awful but it's going to be one of the best things we've ever done

it's going to be great GoFundMe's coming soon I'll be putting on after my tour's done in May I'll be putting on some events that are specifically to raise money

for the charity and stuff I'm doing forfeits I'll let you know soon events that are specifically to raise money for the charity and stuff. I'm doing forfeits. I'll let you know. Yeah, I'm going to put some forfeits up like when we reach certain sort of... I'm washing cars in the neighbourhood. You know what I'm doing, my man. Washing cars in the neighbourhood.

Do they do chicken tikka boona in India? You're meant to avoid the meat, aren't you? What? You're meant to avoid the meat, aren't you? What? You're meant to avoid the meat. Yeah, you're meant to go veggie if you go to that country. Oh, cool. That's to avoid deli belly. Deli belly's not amazing.

I've got IBS. Yeah, I think the worst thing you could have is deli belly. What happens there? It evens itself out. I just don't poo. Yeah, you poo more. You get deli belly and all of a sudden it's fixed. Yeah.

Right. You're going to dehydrate so fast i don't think you know what ibs is until you need like an iv drip constantly there you go you're wrong you just drank some water no carl that's stupid and i drank water last november i'm all right i just drank all the water i need for fucking november next year when i'm in india yeah and they'll eat you first you fucking dick get your bets on who dies first maybe if you get your gooch out in front of a tiger it freaks them out when you're like leaning in with your edges oh that's like a faux pas

never show an asian your bottom of your feet never show a tiger your gooch it's really really disrespectful we'll be there in a year today yeah yeah we'll be there'll be there. I'm really excited. I think it's about time we've done something big again for charity. And the fact that we get to go and film what we're going to film there is just really, really, really... I'm so excited for it. And it's going to be hard

and it's going to be challenging and we're all going to be sad and in pain. And it's great. Our bumholes are going to be in fucking pieces. Baboon bottoms. Yeah. I'm going to get some special pants. Yeah, that's what they call them.

The padded cycling shorts are called baboon bottoms, apparently. Is it hot in India in November? I think it's always hot in India, isn't it? I don't think it's their hot season. No. They wouldn't have booked it in the hot season. It'll be the coldest. It's 32 degrees Celsius right now.

Yeah, but that's fine. For India, that's probably not that bad. What is it in June? That is hotter than any day on record in the UK, probably. I think the record's 34. No, it's not. It's 40, 41 in the UK. 41, is it?

40, it was like last year, wasn't it? It's between 24 and 31 in June. Oh shit, we are going into warmer season. They've picked a good time for us to go. What is the record Celsius temperature recorded in the UK? My guess is 40.8. I remember what it was. I think it was 2018.

Yeah? Was it 40.8 degrees Celsius? Whoa! It wasn't 40.3 degrees Celsius. Oh, this year? I don't think it got past 36, 37 this year. 33.2 degrees this year. No.

I said 34. 33 degrees is a really warm day. Last summer, it hit 37, 38 in Chester, and we didn't know what to do with ourselves. We had the paddling pool out, a fucking cover on it. And we were just all in the paddling pool because it was the only cool place to be.

And like the kids weren't playing. They were just like, all right, what's up? Like hung over in a fucking hot tub. Just like, oh. Isn't one of these 80 kilometers? Yeah. Yeah, you'll be fine.

I know. It's not going to be nice, is it? I haven't gone to Manchester in 50 miles. In the middle of the summer in India, when you're not eating and you're dehydrated. It's not 80 kilometres non-stop. You're allowed to, you know, of course. Yeah, you can have a little fucking chill for a sec.

But it's a whole day. It's not that. You should stop having a few poppadoms and a little chilli lime pickle and then back on the bike. Fucking Giro d'Italia. You're fine. Oh, fucking hell. It's the mountain course. It's like, fine. and a little chili lime pickle and back on the bike. Fucking Giro d'Italia. You're fine. Oh, fucking hell.

It's the mountain course. It's like, fine. Just... As long as we make it through the Tiger Park, I think it's all sweet. Important to respect the local traditions. You can't bum a cow. They're really against it. Can't even eat them.

Yeah, you can't. I think you can bum a cow. Don't you fuck cows then? Isn't that showing them respect? Yeah. Yeah. I thought they did fuck cows then. Yeah, you... Cows are sacred to... You can't fuck them. Isn't that showing them respect? Yeah. I thought they did fuck cows though. Cows are sacred.

You can't fuck them. You've got to make love to them. Yeah. Cows are sacred. Why would it not be a good thing to make them cum? Every cow that I've had sex with, I've just used. Oh yeah, you're dead special, Daisy. You've got to kiss them, haven't you?

What? You've got to shag them from the front as well yeah you got foreplay is it amazing how everyone's just trying to find the line of where are like everyone's like yeah yeah i've got to kill we haven't got any say that dogs just pop your eyes in it would you drink milk out of a cow's udder live well i straight i mean if you make the rocks no No. Absolutely not. Why not? Because it won't suck on a cow off. If I was in the middle of fucking it, yeah.

It's not cum. It's milk. I know it is. You have it on your frosties? I don't have frosties. Or cum. Like, if I was in the middle of fucking a cow, and she was like,

like, I'm going to go on one of them, I'd probably get into it. Is that what you think that noise would mean? I wouldn't kink Shane the cow. If you were bumming a cow and it made that noise, like, she'm gonna go one of them. I'll probably get into it. And if that like- Is that what you think that noise would mean? I wouldn't kinkshane the cow. If you were bumping a cow and it made that noise, like, she wants me to have a drink. I'd just be like, do you know what?

She's into milk play. That's what she, like, you know, I'm quite open. Translate that to- Want me to try something? I'll try. But it'd be dead warm. Yeah. Oh no.

You're horny, you're in there. Translate that to a woman, would you do it? What? If a woman was lactating, would you be into it? Yes, mate. Dan's into it. Oh, man, I like... I don't think I'd be into it,

but I think I'd be like, look, you know, in for the penny, in for the pound. Give us a little nod to that. Fucking one-man Cravendale advert. What's the other advert? Where's that? Stay there, John. I'm thirsty.

I thought we were just talking about a cow gangbang. There's two cows. Oh, hang on. It would be good to be able to get a bit, because, you know, after sex, you're like, wow, I'm parched. Bosh. Do you reckon you could make a cow fall in love with you?

100%. Like, because, do you reckon? That's stupid. Do you know the way, like, with humans, a lot of men don't put the effort in sexually, do they? So a lot of women go unsatisfied. Do you reckon it's the same in the animal kingdom and there's a lot of cows that have never come oh sorry i thought it'd be more about food you're actually talking about being a sensual lover

i was like a cow will be like if no one else feeds them and then you keep turning up with tasty treats the cow would be like i don't know who this guy is he keeps feeding me like good shit i mean i wish he didn't stick his dick in my bum, but, you know. They've got a full spectrum of emotions, according to Google. Yeah. So they can love. They can love, and they love being hugged.

They can also hate. Yeah. Yeah, and they can also be anti-Semitic. That's not an emotion. What? I'm feeling a bit anti-Semitic today, God. It's not an emotion. It's not an emotion.

Shut up. You've never even fucked a cow. Famously. An anti-Semitic one? Oh, that's my type. I like an edgy cow. What are we talking about? But animals are definitely capable of like...

That's more human emotions. Have you seen like those guys who like, like raise lions from when they're a kid? And like the lions just never scram them and they're just like best mates and all chilling and all. No, no, no. They eventually scram them. No, they don't. That's just bollocks. That's something your ma and da told you when you were a kid.

Also, my ma didn't tell me. Sit down, Cal. I want to tell you about keeping lions. A lot of people do the birds and the bees. I don't. I do novelty exotic pets. I'm going to tell you about the lions and the tigers. Do you remember when that one got her face bit off by a monkey shield?

Remember that? No. It was big news. Have you not seen that video? See, Will's not. Have you not seen that video of the fucking monkey who got raised by like two people

from when it was a baby until it was like 10? And now the monkey's like 25 and they come to visit it. And he's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And he jumps all over the phone and he's like,

get out of here, you. And then he tries to neck the woman and he's like get it here you and then he tries to neck the woman because the monkey loves them not seeing the lions who are like creeping up on the fella from behind looks like he's going to eat him and then it's just for a little cuddle

I've seen that one yeah yeah you can raise you can raise monkeys properly that monkey's now got a job in JD doing really well Finry what was the have you not seen a video of the monkey greeting his old owners

have you seen it yeah you should show me one would you have a monkey can we get a studio monkey he'd have any animal would I have a monkey I'd love a monkey

get me a monkey there you go you're looking for a Christmas present for me aren't you monkey get me a monkey what kind bonobo absolutely nailed on bonobo monkey Get me a monkey. There you go. You're looking for a Christmas present for me, aren't you? Monkey. Get me a monkey.

What kind? Bonobo. Absolutely nailed on bonobo monkey. No, of course he'd get an exotic animal. He's got pure fucking snow tiger eyes. But it could kill you at any point. No, but it won't though. Any of us could kill you at any point. Yeah.

No, you've got cognition and reasoning. Monkeys are just like, this thing gives me food. It's stopped. I'll kill it. How big's this monkey? no they want some you don't understand monkeys you know you really don't you've got no idea what you're talking about monkeys are tiny are you talking about a chimpanzee or a gorilla i mean i'm also talking about a chimpanzee really right right right when i say monkey i mean a big i mean i mean you know oh yeah not a capuchin don't yeah

i'm not talking about a little like the gat i'm not talking about as a little, like with the gat. I'm not talking about as a little. Let's get him a chimpanzee and get it uncreated. Oh, I'd fucking love it. They're fucking jacked. I can't wait to show you the little chimp video where he sees his old mum and dad. And you can see the love in him.

Like, he'd never date them. You can see it in him. He would never, like, you can see it in the video. You can see that in people and they kill people? What? You can see that love in people's eyes?... Like, you can see it in a video. You can see that in people and they kill people. What? You can see that love in people's eyes. Yeah, and I'm sure some monkeys are cunts. I'm saying the vast majority.

You see one video of a nice monkey. Monkeys are pelts as lads. No, you're doing the same thing. You're judging monkeys based on the actual one hypothetical monkey. You are tarring old monkeys with one brush. You are? And tigers. Yeah. I'm sorry, it's a wild animal. You are tarring old monkeys with one brush. You are. And tigers. Yeah.

It's a wild animal. It would kill us in a heartbeat. No, it would if you're nasty to it. But most monkeys are just like, he's Sam and plays FIFA with me and that. That's one monkey that you... Having a little FIFA buddy monkey would be class. If you raise a monkey from a pup,

it's not a wild animal. It's all it knows is how to kill people. The vast majority of monkeys aren't pets. Because the vast majority of monkeys are wild animals. They're not what we're talking about. If you get a monkey from when it's little and you raise it, it doesn't one day just go, I'm going to break his neck. Fuck him.

Humans do it. Why can't monkeys do it? Because humans are more constant monkeys. I'd rather have monkeys best made than you. Do my head into you. What's going on? Why are we all shagging? A monkey's sponsoring the speakers. I don't know, but we're getting a chimpanzee in.

If he can make clips, we're flying. If we got a little baby chimpanzee in here, I'd love that. Let's do that. I'll raise him. You can come on tour with me. Give me a new tour manager. Fucking Adam's menagerie that goes on tour.

Yeah, where's me fucking alpaca going? It's not even on the guest list. It's a fucking joke, this venue. I'm sorry, I wouldn't be trusting that. Get him doing an opening turn. He's my son. A woman who had this, a monkey who loved her, one day it just ripped their face off.

Did it though? Or was that fucking... No, it did. Yeah, it did, of course. Yeah, because it's got the capability to do so that's exactly what i'm saying humans do some children human children kill their parents you're not going right you're fucking mad having kids they fucking murder you i am saying absolutely ridiculous humans are the most dangerous people you can be you can reason with a person you can't

communicate with a monkey. You can. Hey, John, stop it. Dogs can kill you. They can, yeah. So what are you on about? You own a dog. Are you comparing my dog to a chimpanzee? No, dogs can kill you. I could be in bed and he can't get on it.

He's not going to kill me, is he? I'll just go up the second step. What do you think about Zach's hell bullies? What, my opinion on them? Yeah. I think they're a dangerous breed. But they're though it's about the owner it's the same with monkeys be nice to him and he won't hurt you hang on though hang on though just for the sake of science you've got two cunts who are buying dogs right and then one of them gets wallace he's a bad owner

but he's got wallace and then the other one, bad owner, has got the largest XL bully in the UK. Which dog is more dangerous? It's both about the owners, because these are bad dogs. But which one would you rather get your gooch out in front of in a fight? Yeah, I understand what you're saying, but that doesn't mean that all XL bullies are bad. Of course not. And obviously, it's a complicated issue, but it's...

I haven't heard many Dash Allen murders this year. If you get murdered by your Dash Allen... Because Wallace is a little mingy-ing, isn't he? Like, he's a little... Like, it's a complicated issue, but it's... I haven't heard many Dashound murders this year. If you get murdered by your Dashound... Because Wallace is a little ming, isn't he? Like, he's a little... Like, it's fine. He isn't capable of it. Like, it's better to be a fucking... A warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war.

I will. What? You're meant to be capable of violence, but choose not to do it. Yeah, but they're dogs, aren't they? So they're not like, yeah, don't worry. I haven't got reasoning. They're fucking dogs now going,

I am a warrior. In a what? In a kitchen. And I might clue what he went off fucking hours ago. I'm going to fucking smash someone's head in. Give me a dash out. I literally fight a dash out on all day. Get that woman who got her head bit off by a chimp.

Oh, it does happen. It does happen. He's a sort of not. No, but hang on. People do that. People do get like attacked by their fucking mad pets. Travis, it just bummed the kid's head off. Your being fucking propagandized by big

anti-monkey and then and the main thing is he always remembers the details she's blind she's blind now yeah she's drowned what about big anti-monkey though laughing

fucking great Christmas presents of her oh it's another envelope full of shit. It's not her monkey. It was her friend's monkey. Yeah, there you go. Don't know monkeys' faces. Get that off. Say that again.

It was her friend's monkey. Yeah, didn't fucking do its own thing, did it? It was an enemy. Yeah. Never. If you've got... Don't have friends. Mate, if you've got a violent monkey,

you know, what are you having? Fucking a tea party? Stupid. There's bears, innit? Yeah. Maybe she was jealous. Maybe the monkey was jealous of this fucking bitch who was always turning up,

taking her owner's attention away from her. It's the woman's fault. It's the woman's fault. When I get jealous. It's the woman's fault. Stupid women getting their face eaten. Men don't get their face... Find me a fucking article about a man getting his face eaten.

You know why? Because they don't like tea parties. That is what happens though. If Seneca brings a friend around and I get jealous, I do eat their face off. So, you know, it does work

what you're saying there. So the woman that got attacked, she got attacked because she had a different haircut. There you go. There you go. You've got monkeys, don't have haircuts.

By the way, that's partly, but I mean, it's on the owner to have an autistic monkey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. How do they know that? How do they know

that that was the motivation? They go to the monkey, why have you killed him? He hates fringes. Is this in the interrogation? Yeah. When they sat him down and played good cop, bad cop. One of them just eating a banana.

You'd have a non-adventure. How have we done monkey interrogation two weeks in a row? We did actually do this last week. Bubbles the monkey. Oh, yeah. He's the most famous one, paedophile. Stop being all monkey PR, you fucking gobshite. I love how Carl gets all the facts.

I have heard something in another conversation that I wasn't in. Will was nodding. Mate, you come with no facts. It's a famous thing, Travis the bastard. He got fucking executed for it. He's dead. He got shot executed for it. He's dead. He got shot?

Yeah. He put him down. Oh, that's a sad firing line. He was part of the army. Harambee. Yeah, Harambee. He was a good one. He was gone too soon, money.

Harambee? Harambee. Yeah. Gone, you know, gone, not forgotten. Harambee. What was he trying to do? Eat a kid. Harambee didn't eat no kids.

And he wasn't asked about hairstyles. Famously. Wow. Break. Right, listen. We've just picked everyone's names for Secret Santa. And everyone's doing me a din because they're ruining it. Everyone thinks that we should all tell each other,

everyone who's got everyone. And it's fucking doing me head in. Because the idea of Secret Santa is you give someone a gift, they open it, and then they go... I got Steve. What are you doing that for? That's ableist. I'm an agitated dinosaur.

The person's going to know. I was doing a T-Rex. The person who I give is going to know it's off me instantly. Jack, you're going to love what I get you. Oh, mate. That's a lie, don't we? I've got Jack. I've got Steve.

Are we telling each other? I've got Welsh Tom. Cheaper. 50 quid limit. We're not starting until you land it. Did you get Jack? I did get Jack, yeah. Is quid limit. When I start until you land it. Did you get jacked? I did get jacked, yeah. Oh, is that real?

Yeah. I'm just gonna wait till he lands that. You'll be waiting all fucking day until I do it. Hey! You mean like this? Nah. Oh, you mean like that? Oh, here we go.

No, you mean like this? That's it! Do we? No, I need to this? That's it! Do we? No, I need to hydrate for India. Did you really get your... Who did you get, Finn? Steve. Dan, who did you get? Your ma's biff.

She wasn't in there. Who did you get? So air freshener, innit? Hang on. My ma's biff. She wasn't in there. Who did you get? It's like air freshener, isn't it? Hang on. My ma's biff. So as a person. Your ma needs the Fabrizio pussy. Oh, no.

No, no. Merry Christmas. Carl. Carl. I wouldn't buy your mum. Who did you get? That's overstepping. Who did you get?

But her biff. Who did you get? Who did I get? Can we not just honour that? He just told you his. Everyone's going to tell each other tonight because we're... By the way, we're all already drunk.

I don't know whether you've noticed that, but everyone's blathered. Everyone is already blathered tonight. Pre-blathered. You having some sneak? I'm having a dry bump. Are you sniffing it? Oh, shit.

No. Sneak, though. I thought you were about to do that then. Like line of sneak. Who have you got? I knew that from your reaction. I got Mr. Adam Rose. Oh, we're actually doing it.

Foxy can Santa. This is just Santa, baby. Who did you get? I got, you ready? It's exciting. I've lost it. You got Charlie? I got, you ready? It's exciting. I've lost it. You got Charlie. I got Kidamins to hurry us away. So easy tie, really. Who've you got? Yes!

I wanted the girls so bad. Jack, who'd you get? I think Jack will know. Jack's fuming. You got each other. No, you didn't. Originally, you did. I didn't. Yeah, originally, you did have each other. And, you didn't. No, I didn't. Originally, you did. I didn't.

Yeah, originally, you did have each other. And Finn was like, oh, fuck this. Put Napa. I don't know what to get him. By the way, originally, and I don't mean any offense by this at all, I got Matthew, and I have got no idea what you buy that man.

So I am so glad there was a do-over. Cloud storage? And God help whoever's pulled that name out yet. Cloud storage? What? Cloud storage. I got you 50 quid's worth of cloud storage. Yeah, that's fly.

I got you some wires. Get me a new SSD, please. I mean, a Nike hoodie. A super small thing. Get me a new one. I got Charlie. I'm so excited. That's quite apt, isn't it?

Because of drugs. Harry, who did you get? I got Finn get your mic over you big fucking amateur what are you doing I got Finn so you got two gifts or did Jack not really get me

Jack's playing 4D chess mate Jack's playing the Pep Guardiola method of getting't really get Adam. That was a lie on the paper. Jack's playing the Pep Guardiola method of getting... I've also not revealed who I've actually got yet. Oh, Jack's got me. I haven't actually got Jack either. Please don't get me 4D chess. I haven't actually got Adam.

You showed me a card. No, that's not mine. Oh, Christmas. I've already put the Christmas decorations up in my room. I've decided to get some... In your room. I've got to be honest. I am shuffling on it. In my room.

Like you're in prison. Because Laura wasn't, we're not allowed to buy Christmas decorations for downstairs because she has a style. And so I went and took the kids to Home Bargains and went, let's go crazy. And we went absolutely mental and spent 70 quid.

Ooh, calm down. No, no, but in Home Bargains. That's the shot. That's so much stuff. I wasn't holding back. We were like, this is enough. I can't wait to put my deckies up. And in here.

Last night, I walked into my... He's flying, mate. I walked into my garage and it smelled like Christmas, you know, like fire. Yeah, fire. Fire smells like Christmas like Christmas. You know, like fire. Yeah, fire. Fire smells like Christmas, though. You know what I mean? Like outdoor fire smells like Christmas.

Cold fire. A candle that's just been blown out smells like Christmas to me. Does it? Oh, I'm so excited. It's just the best time of the year, innit? It's just fucking great. And it's all just sick.

Bailey's. Nearly Bailey's time, innit? It's nearly fucking every pint of Guinness you have. You have a Jameson's Chaser. That's what it's all just sick. Bailey's, nearly Bailey's time, isn't it? It's nearly fucking every pint of Guinness you have, you have a Jameson's Chaser. That's what it's nearly time for. What?

I might do that tonight, actually. Oh, good. A little whiskey on the side. Well, turns out we're going to Pop World. Are you not allowed? You've been told.

We are going to Pop World. We're not just coast. You know what I mean? That's what you do when you keep absolutely getting bladded. I'll have ice in it. That's how you coast. You have absolutely is getting bluddered. I'll have ice in it. That's how you coast.

You have a shot with everything. Coasting. I'll have ice in it. What's the damn thing? I'm so excited. I've seen the Coca-Cola advert, but I haven't heard the pose yet. Have you seen the John Lewis one?

It's fucking mental this year. I don't want to tell you. This is like the little shop of horrors. It's awful. There's no chance tonight that we don't hear Fairytale in New York by the end of tonight. Do you reckon? Dan Sigg's at the shop of horrors. It's awful. There's no chance tonight that we don't hear Fairytale in New York by the end of tonight.

Do you reckon? Dan Sigg's at the end of his show. Like, I just feel like... It'll be a nice time to hear that. It was weird in the summer in the previews. Like, it'll just... Like, I'm open to it.

I just am. I reckon now. We're in the 20s in November now. Is that your favourite Christmas song? It's the best Christmas song. It's the one that makes you feel most Christmassy. But Driving On For Christmas

is my favourite. The fact that it's in discussion, because like 10 years ago, it wasn't like a fact that it's the best one. And then everyone's gone, no, it is the best one. And now it's like

the cool things be like, no, my favourite one is the Slade one or whatever. It's pokes. It's not my favourite one. All the Christmas songs are good. And number two is

Step Into Christmas by Elton John. Driving On For Christmas. Slade is my favourite In my head Of course it is Because your little music P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P- Are you being one more sleep? It is a banger. That's mad. A modern banger. Also, Ariana Grande is Santa Tell Me. Yeah.

Modern banger. This is America. Now, in my head, I'm in the back of a taxi and I've been Christmas shopping when I was like 18 minutes of drive and driving home Christmas is on. You're in the Chris Rea of the taxi. Oh. Oh, shit.

Spaceman came travelling. Space idiot came travelling. It's a different one, isn't it? It's not Christmassy enough. It's a Christmas song. It's about Jesus. Na, na, na, na, na, na. It's about Jesus.

No one sings that. I know you're doing the Tekkers thing of going, it's not Christmassy enough. It's a basketball orgasm, isn't it? It's not Christmassy enough. It's a basketball orgasm, isn't it? It's not Christmassy enough. It's about Jesus being born. A spaceman came travelling. Jesus is the spaceman. He came travelling

to us to save us from our sins. The last thing I think about when Christmas is fucking Jesus. He's a bad gimp. Spaceman came travelling is a Christmas song and I'll fight you on this and die hard to Christmas film. Let's have it. Because there's snow in it. Harry Potter 1. It just doesn't feel Christmassy enough. I like the song. I think it's a great song. And you have it. Because there's snow in it. It just doesn't feel Christmassy enough. Like, I like the song.

I think it's a great song. And you can tell me it's about Jesus coming down. I thought it was about a spaceman. But it doesn't feel, it's not, you know. Do you know my dad

genuinely believes that Jesus was a spaceman? Cool. What? How many drinks in is that? I love your dad. But he's an alien. Yeah.

He thinks like there was a light in the sky and then it was all follow the light and you'll find that. And he thinks that was like an alien being beamed down. He knows that was a book though. And that's why he could walk on water and all. He could be like, what, you got leprosy up here?

Bash. No, you haven't. You got some fish now. If Jesus... If Jesus was a spaceman... Imagine that. I've got leprosy. Well, now you've got fish.

That won't help. Yeah, you're not going to do that. I'm still dying. I've got loads and loads. Now you've got leprosy. That was Satan. Going round and doing all the good work. You've got a fucking three-course meal up here.

Bosh. AIDS. Was AIDS a thing back then? No, AIDS was invented in the 80s by the CIA. I've heard that. It was? Is that from your dad as well? It's from Dave Chappelle.

Oh. He says, isn't it funny that there was a disease that come out of nowhere in the 80s and it only affects all the people, old, rich, white people, like gays, drug users, and black people. And they killed Martin Luther King. Yeah. So, Secret they killed Martin Luther King. Yeah.

So Secret Santa. Exciting, isn't it? Should we do a couple of confessions? Shall we? These are my confession. I also hope you're hungry after this, Dan. Because we haven't forgot, baby. Oh.

Oh, what's he having this for? What did Mike Rice have to eat? That we're gonna smoke. What did Mike Rice have to eat? What did Mike Rice have to eat? Nachos. You got up to love your nachos. Dan's on it already, mate. My boiler room set.

Do you reckon, you know, because Danny Davis isn't at one o'clock set Do you reckon You know because Danny Davis Isn't at one o'clock Do you reckon we can just like Roll straight through With Danny Davis And be done by two Yes please

That'll make my life easier Like I'll go for just a quick Swift I mean I can't go for Just a quick You can Guys if we finish an hour

Earlier than you thought You can use that hour To have a swift pint No I can just go shopping This is an on pod conversation But it's a free hour Stop harming You're on pod You're not meant to have The hour Carl Use the hour to have a swift pint. No, I can use it to go shopping. This is an on-pod conversation. But it's a free hour. Stop harming. You're not meant to have the hour, Cal.

Use the hour to have a pint. Confessions. Confessions. Send them in to haveawarepod at gmail.com if you want to confess anything to us. Anonymous. Hello, Lids. My confession is about a year ago,

me and my friends got, as Adam would say, absolutely potted at a friend's house. We were sat in the garden, and because of the munchies, there was a lot of food on the table. One being a jar of peanut butter. Are we allowed to pot this on the internet? Someone's doing illegal drugs.

We'll cut it. We'll bleep it. Bleep it. Pot. Start and hard. You'll only get harder from there. What should I change it to? Garden gnomes. We were getting absolutely gnomed. No, they were eating garden gnomes.

That's what they were inhaling I don't even think any intoxication can be a part just keep going alright so just imagine that it's

gnomes I'll tell you right now we haven't got all the information so far okay hello there's my confession it's about

a year ago me and my friends got us Adam would say absolutely gnomes at a friend's house we were sat in the garden and because of the gnomes there was a lot of. We were sat in the garden and because of the gnomes,

there was a lot of food on the table. One being a jar of peanut butter. When my friend whose house it was and some others went to the shop, some of us thought it would be a good idea to put our bollocks in the peanut butter, put it back in the fridge and not tell him. I feel like this could have been a bad idea

as there is a very good chance him and his family would have eaten this peanut butter afterwards. There is a good chance that, yeah, what would it be in peanut butter and in the fridge? It's your genitalia or your pissing jizz and something. It's that confession. Do I deserve some penance

or are we let off for just being teenagers, being gnomed and stupid? Do you mean Potter? I know somebody who at a party, so during a party he's got his own WhatsApp group to organise it. He put his knob through a donut in the kitchen like perfectly.

It was sick. And then took a picture and went to put it in the boys group and put it in the party group. That was one of the best that happened to me in my entire life. As if I was like, lad. Like parents and shit. It was

astonishing. That's superb. Yeah. Oh, it was astonishing. That's superb. Yeah. Look, you've just been a bit of a knobhead, haven't you? Like, you knew they were going to need it, and that's why you did it. That's why it's funny. It's not funny if they just go, Oh, that's off.

Put it in the bin. And it's not funny, is it? This is extra nutty. Also, bollocks aren't porous, are they? Are they giving anything off? Here we go. If anything, all that's happened is bollocks are porous. They soak things up.

Exactly, yeah. So he's got peanut butter flavoured bollocks are porous. They soak things up. So he's got peanut butter flavoured bollocks now. But the peanut butter's just basically untouched. Forever? This was years ago. I cannot get the smell of peanut butter. Like every blowjob you ever get some girl. Yeah, fucking hell. Have you ever lathered your cock in anything and had a woman suck it off? What? Have you ever lathered

your cock in anything and had a woman suck it off? Lemon curd. Bit old school like that. Have you ever lathered your cock in anything and had a woman suck it off? Lemon curd. A bit old school like that. Have you ever put whipped cream down there or Nutella? I'm dairy intolerant, and I just assume my dick is as well. It's a semi-permeable membrane that'll go through. Oh God, it's porous.

Imagine if a girl was like, I would put peanut butter on a car. It's not porous. To be fair, the only bit of peanut butter that your bollocks have touched is on your bollocks. Hang on, hang on, hang on. How do you know you're not leaving bollock-tainted peanut

butter in the jar? How? It's stuck to you? Yeah, but what if some stucks and then... Hang on. If I stuck my dick in your peanut butter, you would not be happy. You'd be like, right, well, more fool you for having peanut butter in your underpants. I don't like peanut butter. What?

Yes, you do. I don't. It's weird. It isn't even butter either. It's lying. There's no dairy product in it. It's not butter at all. Oh, actually, there's no such thing as almond milk then?

Or oat milk? I don't drink that either. That's a lie as well. It's oat water, isn't it? I don't like oat bollocks. Can't milk an oat. You'll be all right, Dan. It's not dairy. Peanut butter. I just, I don't like oat bollocks. Can't milk an oat. You'll be all right, Dan. It's not dairy.

Peanut butter. I just, I don't like it either. But then again. But it's delicious. You don't have like a Reese's peanut butter? No, no, no, no, no. I mean like from the jar, like just thick peanut butter.

I don't mind any little portions like that. That's okay. Oh, it's fucking great. But put it on your toast. Get in the fucking skin. I bought some in Target. I bought some in Target when we were in Nashville and it's still in the cupboard

and I think it would survive. It's been opened. It would be fine and in date for at least 25 years. Yeah. It looks so chemically. Honey can never ever go off. Honey, possible. Slice an apple up and dip that in peanut butter,

chunky peanut butter, like the ones with bits in. Skippy. Like, just get a chunky peanut butter and dip apple slices in it. Oh! I do like apples apples I can smell apples honestly it's

a great little snack I don't think there's any penance you've got to stop sticking your dick in things no don't it's funny isn't it you're a teenager do whatever you want what's the cut off where sticking your dick in things don't need consent from a jar of peanut butter

like if he gets home and he sticks it in his ma like lad You put your dick wherever you want. What's the cut of where sticking your dick in things is? You don't need consent from a jar of peanut butter. Fact. Like, if he gets home with his dicks in his ma, like, lad, but he can put it in the foodstuffs. Yeah. Yeah. Yep.

All right, next one. All right, lads, I have a confession. That's done. In 2019, I went on a road trip to Italy, during which I spent a day in the Vatican. To cut a long story short, I decided to have a wank in the toilets. Looking back,

I feel as if this was maybe a bit much, especially considering I watched transgender porn during. That's exactly the type of porn you should watch in the Vatican. Which I believe would really upset the big man upstairs. Do I deserve any penance for my heinous act? You've been fucking bumming kids in the Vatican for years. You can wank to trans porn as much as you like. Hope isn't that big either. All upstairs.

Yeah, the maths tracks help. You can wank to transport as much as you like. The Pope isn't that big either. Or upstairs. Yeah, the mass strikes out. That's the problem. If you're under the Pope, then, you know. The Catholic Church have got no right to tell anyone you can't wank in the Vatican because they literally

finger children. Oh. Wanking in the Vatican is not worse than bumming a child and I will die on this hill. 100%. It's the biggest charity in the world as well robbing back with billions oh yeah we're

a charity but look at me gold out of me gold chair and me gold walls you big fucking hypocritical child bumming cunts god needs money doesn't he god a lot he needs from poor people he needs loads of people you know because he can he made money. He invented it. Because they need something shiny to look at an hour and a half every week. There you go. I don't know who's in the lobby. It sounds like it might be Danny Davis. Right, okay.

He's a loud kid, isn't he? So this is another anonymous one. Lads, so me and the wife had a bit of a barney a few months back, which resulted in her launching her wedding ring at me, which subsequently ended up in the garden. When she calmed down, we went looking for it but it couldn't be found.

Embarrassed and contrite, she ended up buying a cheap replacement for it online. Now, I've only gone and found the fucking ring while doing a tidy. So, do I give it her back or hock it and get a PS5? Get on me, mum's the word. If I have an expensive ring, you can only buy a PS5.

Is this a confession or advice? Wedding ring's not as much an engagement ring as it is. Oh, wedding ring. Sorry I misheard that. Bit of advice. Yeah. Just missed that up source.

No, it's all right. You give it back. Especially if it's only worth a PS5. Like if it was worth like a boat, then yeah, go and get yourself a boat, kid. But you can have my PS5. I don't really play it anymore.

See, that's the question. You've got a PS5. No. Dude, you've got to do the right thing. That's how much she doesn't play it. Give it up, Bart. Why did she throw it at him? Rough that, you know.

Can't we throw things at people? Throwing things at people is heavy. Yeah, but you... It's not going to cause damage, a ring, is it? It depends where you're throwing people. If I threw a ring from here and hit you in the eye, you're all fucked, mate. Yeah, that's true, but I don't think...

That didn't happen. I think it's just a bit of, you bastards, you fucked me sister and me nan on me baby, fuck off. I think it was that, do you know what I mean? If she shouted, I'm going to blind you, you cunt, and then threw it at his eyes. Then she should be in the Olympics.

Because that's what they do at the Olympics. And now it's the ring throw. And obviously, when they throw, they threaten someone in the stadium. Ring toss. I'll fucking kill you, you fucking knobhead. Do you know what we should do one day? Like the office Olympics.

Have you ever seen the Jibby Jab games on Brooklyn Nine-Nine? That should be a good Patreon special. Like, you know, like getting things in the bin from a distance all right i can imagine i heard it like but there's loads of little like stupid games we could like olympicize in here i mean olympicize i'm letting them have it you know the thing is do you know what i like about language that's not a word but it it is now, isn't it? It means to make something like the Olympics, and you knew that.

So therefore, it is a word, because all words are communicating what you mean to someone else. Language is mad. Yeah? Don't start a meme, mate. Love it. Right, last confession.

Yes, lads, do I need penance? There is a lad at work who is a right cunt, and he stands behind me with his shaker fucking rattling away all day little does he know that the diet powder he's putting scoops of in said shaker is actually weight gain i swapped out the day he bought it fucking hell uh i tipped the weight loss shite down the toilet and emptied a tub of weight gain i went to costco just to buy just to fuck him over my bad for wasting his time he's been calling emailing the company. His diet shake he's been on for three months

to complain about putting one and a half stone on. It's cost me 60 quid so far. Nah, the lad's taking it to dickhead. If he's three months in and going, do you know what, just put some weight on. But it's obviously me. I'm making the wrong gains. But he's a fucking moron, isn't he?

No penance. What? No penance. Did he say he's a cunt? Yeah, he said he's a cunt. If he's a cunt, then yeah. Cunts deserve to be fucked with. If he hasn't noticed, he's putting weight on

because of the supplements he's taking. He deserves it. This isn't working, this. It's high-level fuckery. It's massive. But it is on... I'm still down three months in. It is on the guy who's like,

and it tastes different, but it's from the same box, so it's fine. Oh, I hear the rattling of a cloche. Oh, Dan, are you hungry? You look fucking starving, you kid. It's been a few weeks, haven't it? You have not eaten at all since that. Since the last one.

It smells incredible. Press the button, Dan. What button? Dan versus food. There's a Dan versus food button. Who knows what page it's on, though? That's a good question. Shall I just do what I always do?

Go on. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Dan Nightingale. He's a 42-year-old man with food phobias and we make him try food for the first time

every week. This is Dan vs Food. And this week, Dan, what we've got for you here, I actually don't know what it is this week,

this is a surprise to me and to you. From smell out, what do you reckon it is? Oh, you've looked. Okay. I think it might be shumais. It is. It's a good nose

you've got there. Now, I'm telling you right now, you're not going to love the texture of this one as much as this one. Can I have a fork? Yeah. Someone get down a fork, please. These are some of the nicest things in the world, but... They smell like

a big girl's dick. The texture is a lot for someone who's not had one. That's fair, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. They smell like video. Look, I'll show you. They're not horrible. Once again, Adam likes them. Once again.

Oh, Adam likes it. Therefore, it is fine. Adam, throw us one there. Oh, my God. Dan, it's just meat in meat. It is just meat. Meat in meat. It's meat in meat?

It's just a meaty meat meat. Oh, great. I love all meaty meat meats. You've done better with the texture than I thought you were gonna. He loves it. It's nice. Yes!

Ooh! That's like shumai. I'm honestly blown away that you can deal with this texture. So which one's this? That's objectively really nice. What's the filling of this one? Unbelievable. I mean, they're all just pork bollocks, aren't they?

Like pig dicks and that. I don't know. I've not had one before. You've ruined it! Can I explain what it is? It's a shumai. Finish that. That's lovely. Adam, throw us one of them. Throw us one of them, please.

Adam, throw a shumai over here. Why is there a white chocolate one? No, do the one! No. Oh, that was pathetic. We're at the fucking arm. What's the white chocolate one? It's nice. Have a little go at that. No. It's just got less flavour on it. It's a fucking arm. What's the white chocolate one?

It's nice. Have a little go with that. No. It's just got less flavour on it. It's a plain one. What? Yeah, you'll like that more, actually. It's plain.

Oh, is it salt and pepper and plain? Salt and pepper and just plain shimmer. Oh, salt and pepper's well good. In fact, don't give that away. I'm having that. I love that. What have they done on the outside of this? It just hasn't got the season on.

It just doesn't look as good. Oh, we love you. That looks like a cow's bollocks. It's the same as what you've just eaten. With a different coat on. Very bland. Yeah. Right, score time.

Oh, no! No! Oh, that's a disgrace. Is there any more? No, fuck off. All right, this is the. Oh, that's a disgrace. Is there any more? No, fuck off. All right. This is the best one we've had so far. Is it?

Chumai for the win. Wow. You'd order this now? Would you order this? I'd eat chumai, yeah. Whoa. Out of 10? Do you know how much I literally trade in sort of praise?

That actually meant quite a lot. I'm such a bellend. If you're like, Dan, you're doing a good job, I'm like, I think I am as well. Thank you. Out of 10 on both scales? Right, so the scale of... How worried you were?

It's a Dan versus food, and I think I hate all of this stuff. It's a 9. I won't give 10s. 9, 9.5. I'm going to give it a 9.25. And on a nine point, I won't give tens, nine, 9.5. I'm gonna give it a 9.25. And on a general scale, like what you would order in a restaurant?

Six and a half, seven. Oh! Oh really? That's pushing seven now, come on. That's quite low for your reaction. I thought you were gonna say like eight. No, no. Tens, nachos, innit?

My favorite foods ever are like eight, nine, 10. It's not quite there. Okay. All right, it's good. Favorite food ever is an eight, nine, ten. It's not quite there. Okay. Oh, it's good. Favourite food ever is an eight. I love this. Eight. Oh, can't get enough of it.

Eight. Four stars. No, no, but like... Unimprovable four stars. There's also varying degrees of how good... Control of you? No, but if you love steak... The best thing I have ever seen.

How has he done this again? Four stars. If you love steak and you go, not every steak's ten out of 10, is it? The ones I make are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Dan, I'm proud of you.

That was a, that could have went either way though. Well done, Dan. Carl, you were always proud of me. You always go, oh, well done.

You've puked it back in a bin, but you tried. Exactly. You're very supportive. The last one. Do you want it? Oh, fuck me, yeah.

Okay, all right, all right. It's so mad out, like, because Jade's got like bad food phobias as well. She's really bad with food. She's Chinese. I know she is. Hong me, yeah. Okay, all right, all right. It's so mad out, like, because Jade's got, like, bad food phobias as well. She's really bad with food phobias. She's Chinese. I know she is. Hong Kong, actually.

There's no top in that. Hong Kong-alese. There's no top in that, and it's also made me hungry. Can we have some food? We haven't got time. That's nice. Have a meal, deal or something. Very nice.

Maybe, in an hour. All right, lads. Thank you. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to part three of this week's Have a Word podcast with me and Dan Nightingale. And this week's guest

is Danny Davies. Hey! The scousest man of all time. I'd have had it in Weston and I wouldn't go that far, you know? No, but like, you're scoused.

How do you know what I mean? Like, everyone listening to this is going to be like... Have you got Monterex kicks on? No, technicals because of the sponsors. Oh, they're the good asx checks on? No, technicals because they sponsored us. Oh, they're good as well. They're good as well.

They are. They've sent me clothes before. Yeah. They sent us a few clothes. They've done it a few times. So I just messaged them and I was like, why don't we work something out, really? You give us money and we'll promote it.

Okay. That's pretty much how we run this entire company. Yeah. It's nice getting free kicks. I'm sad. I'm sad. Bit of a, like, it's weird really because the reason,

we've been asked to get you on for a while by our listeners and obviously you've got your podcast, which especially the clips and stuff do so many views. Yeah, yeah. And you've in a very short, how long have you been doing this handle? Well, it's weird because I've done like two open mics before like early 2020. I've done Beat two open mics before, like early 2020.

I've done Beat the Flog and King Gong and the old Deansgate Comedy Store. And then obviously like the next 18 months after that was written off. So in my head, because I was writing the whole time over lockdown, in my head, I've been going like four and a half years. So it's like... I mean, it's only three years. It's only like two and a half years. It's only three and a half years since 2020.

Oh no, we did, we did, we did. What year are you in, love? Let me try and get the maths on that. No, that's right. It's nearly four years since COVID hit. Yeah, so in my eye, it's coming up to like four years or seven, apparently. But it's really like two.

It's like two and a half years, something like that. Like you, and you're already selling tickets. Like you're doing it the right way. And I really love this because I think so many people now get like a bit of an internet following

not always from stand up or podcasting but like doing characters or like like camera sketches where they play every role and then they go oh well I've got

all these followers and I should do an hour and tour you're doing a very clever thing which you're doing a monthly Danny Davies and friends

at the Comedy Club and taking the pressure off yourself and just doing short sets yeah well see like that's the thing I've got

I've got a few shows coming up like next year which like I am doing an hour next year on a theatre because like I do want to do it if I'm alright

to like sort of like announce it oh absolutely I'm doing the Playhouse Theatre next year that's fucking insane on September the 11th that's 800 seats

yes September the 11th September the 11th and they offered you other dates but you said no but no no like I sort of thought

like because I was thinking like although I want to do what I'm doing like forever it's what I want to do for like the rest of my life like you don't know what's going to happen

realistically so I thought I might as well capitalise on it while it's definitely here and i thought like i've always wanted to like release a special like since like like i've always wanted to do it so i thought like fuck it like oh you're so like i was when i was when i was three years in just let's do it all now i'm getting older now i'm getting older i'm I'm nearly 28. How old are you? I'm 25, I'm 26. Oh my God.

That was my thought process. I was thinking like, I could get to 27 and like die. Like, do you know, I've never released a special. Major people, there's a whole club surrounding it. There is?

That's what I was referencing. So sorry. You could die tomorrow, Danny. Well, exactly. So the show wouldn't be on? Well, I'm optimistic for at least 9-11 next year. Optimistic? That's what people said in 2000, is that?

Well, we'll see. I mean, if you die on 9-11, that is going to be quite the thing as well, isn't it? Well, that's what I was thinking. I was thinking, like, obviously, I don't know what I'm going to be doing in 10 years. I could be working at a call centre, wanting to kill myself.

I don't know. Or other dreams. Yeah, I'm ticking them be doing in 10 years I could be like working at a call centre like wanting to kill myself I don't know or other dreams yeah I'm ticking them all off one by one so it's like I thought I might as well try and do it if it goes really bad

it's like oh well I've only been doing it for like three and a half four years also you're not doing it next month no I've got plenty of time like 10 months

when you're like still getting your name out and stuff you've got time to get that show right so I'm looking forward like I'm terrified like I'm shitting myself

as well because it's like like I used to do so I've walked out onto like theatres before and I put like a whole cast of like 8 other people

so if something goes wrong it's like it doesn't matter because it's like we should all just share the blame whereas like it's all on me

that sounded like a podcast live show, didn't it? Well, I'm out. Who's got something? You're in. Anyone.

But yeah, in the meantime, I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing, but like the monthly shows are hot water and then doing other gigs in between just to try and improve and like work the material out. And then hopefully by September the 11th next year,

I've got, it feels great saying that, you know. No one's going to forget that. No one will. I was thinking, I've got, it feels great saying that. No one's going to forget that. No one will. They're told not to. I was thinking that. I was thinking that.

That should be on the poster. Like never forget. That's the title of the show. 15%. Do you know what I wanted to do the poster as? But I don't know if the playoffs, because they're going to put a poster on the front of the playoffs. And I don't know if they'd allow it.

Do the lava build. No, see, you know the picture of the day of famous, you know the feather like falling out like he was jumped. I wanted to put my face on that. The falling man? Yeah, yeah. But I don't know if they allow it. Don't we work in a restaurant in the trade centre?

Nah. Yeah. Ah, well. He found out who he was. Imagine if that was his legacy. He was just going to change the keg. That's the sad thing. This was on like September 8th.

Someone moved his trampoline. That was September 8th. What happened to you guys? He was absolutely a gymnast. He was just going to change the keg. That's the sad thing. This was on like September 8th. September 8th. That was September 8th. He was actually a gymnast. He was a very optimistic gymnast. He didn't even know what had gone on. He's just like, the Guinness is gone. I'll be back in a minute.

He's not dead, he landed it. But yeah, fucking, I wanted, that was the original idea for the poster. And my mate Jonathan, who's like, he's a good mate to my mind, but he's like, I'm good at what I know how to do. Other than that, I'm an idiot.

So it's like, he's sort of quite like, clued up on like, because he's been like an agent for years and that's all. Like he's not like my agent, but he helps manage things for me. So he was like,

but absolutely not doing that as the poster. No, do it subtly. Do the lava buildings because you're the scouser and it's two buildings and then just do like a plane. I could do. Subtle, nice and subtle.

I could do. I do want to, obviously like I do want to sort of like a plane and fuck it up? I could do. Subtle, nice and subtle. I could do. I do want to, obviously like I do want to sort of like a little subtle nod to it. Nod to it? Respect. Well no,

they didn't fly. I don't want them learning to fly a plane for nothing. I don't want it to all have been in vain. Do you know what I mean? I would go as far to say that it will never

have been in vain. I reckon they've done quite a lot of, I was going to say good then. They went there if you were honest, man. I was going to say good then. They went there and they were honest men. They achieved their dreams. They went for it.

I respect that. Say what you like about their ideology. They got shit done that day. They did. They did. They had the plan and they executed it

amongst many civilians. Now you can't take harpoons on planes. They changed the world. You've seen the fucking signs. It's a fucking nightmare. Before 9-11. Obviously,

we don't remember it really because we were children. You remember it because you were in your mid-thirties. Yeah. Before 9-11 apparently you could just walk onto a plane with like fucking munchucks and that and they were just like, yeah, on you go. Nothing to be concerned about here. It was so much easier because I used to fly to my whale

hunting, but since then I've had to get National Express to the whale hunting site. That's mad, that, no. You'd just just about to take fucking dynamite no no i don't i think there might have been some i think there was a ban on bombs anyway was that i think that might have been health and safety risk you have to have the safety on on your nukes you can take a bomb on a bus you can bring it on but as long as you want it no you can't you can't i bomb on a bus. You can bring it on, but as long as it's not heat-seeking. Take it where you want on a bus if you want it on a bus. No, you can't. You can't? I mean, no, if the bus company go, is that a bomb?

They're not gonna be like, cool, say no, obviously. Yeah, just don't detonate it, don't cause any fuss. You can take anything anywhere if it's far enough up your arse, and that's a fact. I suppose that is a fact. Yeah. Guys, you know that you weren't allowed to just take harpoons, bombs, and you know that, though.

You couldn't take bombs. Could you not put it in like, put it on a hand luggage depending on the weight of the harpoon? Harpoons was a space issue rather than a weapon issue. I think that, yeah, because they didn't really have the storage capacity.

Oh, you have to pay extra for your harpoons. Don't you see people with skis, you go, oh, they're going skiing. Oh, he's going whaling. You'd know, you'd see the harpoon. Before 9-11, you would never think he could be about to cause a catastrophe you'd be thinking

he must be just very keen on killing sea life Dan did you ever smoke on a plane? what? did you used to be able to smoke on a plane? I love it when they remind you like just a reminder this plane is a

no smoking plane they have been for 30 years everyone knows you used to be a bit of a reefer man didn't you back in the 90s so did you used to

I was gnoming my head off gnoming? no I didn't you, back in the 90s? I was gnoming my head off. Gnoming? No, I didn't smoke on a plane. But I think they got banned in, like, 1990? I still think that's too recent, though. 1998? 1998.

You're shitting me. I still think that's too recent. Like, I remember even when I was a kid, like, obviously, you go in the pub with your dad and that, and there was, like, fellas, like, smoking a birthday, like, next to me, and I was, like, four in the pub with like your dad and that and there was like fellas like like smoking a birthday like next to me and i was like four and it's like i've got memory i still think like obviously like they had to learn first like why you can't but surely they knew like i feel like it was so grim i remember being in like pubs when i was like younger and people smoking and stuff and like i used to fucking hate it and be like this and you can still do it in dubai so in dubai all the hotel bars, you can smoke in them.

And it's fucking horrific. I don't even like a smoking area outside. It depends if everyone's got a fucking tab. Pooh, in that case, then it will stink as shit. Yeah, will stinks. Every nightclub fucking stunk. It was just a haze of smoke. And you'd dance and you'd dance and you'd get little, I've got one. I've got, you get, you just, smoke. And you'd dance. And you'd dance. And you'd get little...

I've got one. I've got... You get... People just hit you with cigarettes. You're dancing. You've got a bear on your arm. Yeah. You've got little fucking scars from fucking nights out.

But it was honestly just like par for the course. It's what happened. Would you like a cigar tonight? What? No, I never want a cigar. That was a lovely offer though. It was really nice. Cig cigar's a cool thing to do if you're celebrating an occasion.

Me and me, mate, every time we meet. He's doing the biggest headline show of his life tonight. That's why I was offering it. Come on, Dan. Do you know what? I'll have two. He bailed on the comedy awards as well, though, didn't he? He was too busy chatting to Joe Lycett. I don't smoke cigars.

He was too busy sneaking with Joe Lycett. Sitting with Joe Lycett and Chris Ramsey going, oh, I wish we could do a podcast together. I don't think we've forgotten about that. If Joe Lysa gave you the cigar, you'd be like, oh, Joe. It's pink cigar. Oh, pink cigar. That's a bomb.

That's his dick. Have you seen the video? I smoked Joe Lysa's dick on a plane when I was about eight. I'm just saying. How old was Joe Lysa? At the time? Yeah. Probably one, two.

As long as you were also like eight, you can let that slide. You're only a nonce if one of you is a kid. You used to be a... That's how I look at it. That's how I look at it. You're only a nonce if only one of you is Jordan. It's a child.

If you're eight and he's one, crack on. Yeah, I mean, you can't nonce a... No, you can't have two nonces. No, but you said you were eight. Yeah. It's like double nonce. It's like double Jeffrey, innit? Your two nonces. No, but you said you were eight. Yeah. It's like you're a double nonce. It's like double Geoffrey, isn't it?

Your sound. Yeah. Play on. Play on. You're just two 12-year-olds having a laugh. 12's fine, though, isn't it? Just having a laugh. Do you both go to Nick?

12-year-olds fuck, though. Like each other. What, what, what? One of my mates. One of my mates. Here we are. I've got some school stories coming up one of my mates works in

here we go I knew it was coming he works in recruitment like putting like sort of like people who work in like foster homes for kids

or like care homes like he basically puts the carers in the places and he said like a lot of the staff are like like Nigerian

and African so like they're really heavily religious and he had this fella bring him and he was like I'm not going back there this fella ring him, and he was like, I'm not going back there, I won't do the accents.

He was like, I, I, he was like, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, It's only racist if you do the accent poorly. You don't know what accent it was? And you've not heard how good my Nigerian accent is, in all honesty. Will you swallow what's in your mouth? It could have been from Carlisle. Why are you eating on the podcast, you unprofessional little cunt? It's a lovely cookie. It doesn't matter.

But yeah, he said this fella rang him, and he was like, he's like, I'm refusing to go back to the foster home. He was like, why? He's like, we've got in your regular work day. And he was like, yeah, like a disturbance. And he opened one of the doors, and there was like two l it we've got in your like regular work there and he was like yeah like a disturbance and he opened one of the doors

and there was like two lads who were like like 11 and 12 or 12 and 13 he was bumming each other's heads in

oh my god yeah the official ruling that neither are nonces they're not though are they they're just keen yeah

yeah what happens there though who tells them off not the moment dad when did you lose your virginity again you did get nonced 1723 the ages What happens there, though? Who tells them off? Not the mum and dad. When did you lose your virginity again?

You did get non-so, didn't you? 17, 23. The ages. The long fuck. That's how long I take to cum. You just can't cum? No, he was... Dan was... Weren't you like 12 and she was 17 or something?

What was the actual age gap? Because I've heard 17, now I've heard 12. They're very different stories to tell them each time. I was 11 and she was a or something. What was the actual age gap? Because I've heard 17, now I've heard 12. They're very different stories to tell them each other. I was 11 and she was a substitute teacher. Tell us who. I was 14.

I was 14. Was she a substitute teacher? No, she was 16. 16. Yeah, so she's a non-star. No, she is. No, she's not. Legally, yeah, but...

But that's what was awful, Danny. Okay, okay. No, she's not. I'm not getting into the semantics of the math again. No, she's not. You are a victim of paedophilia. That's not non-sin. And that's what was almost Danny okay no she's not I'm not getting into the semantics of the math no she's not you are a victim of paedophilia

that's not nonsense and that's not paedophilia it's statutory it's a feverphilia actually yeah it's not

is that a word yeah feverphilia feverphilia R. Kelly's a feverphile isn't he because he's attracted to teenagers

Prince Andrew you still listen to Ignition though it's a banger of course I listen to Michael Jackson all the time have you heard all the stuff coming pete well i don't i say coming out like

it's like like fact it's like it's just on twitter about pete diddy oh yeah he's a weird guy apparently so i've got to be honest with you you know when i heard that not one inch of me was like nah not like you know what i mean like he was chilling with just the beaver just the beaver was like 16 and he was like, next year when you're 17, I'm giving you this Lamborghini. And it's like, what's he got to do to get it though? You don't just give someone a Lamborghini.

Justin Bieber's like long sort of hinted at a lot of problems within the music industry and him being abused, hasn't he? Has he? Yeah. Yeah. Like one of his music videos

is really sinister. Pee, they're these, all Justin Bieber's. Justin Bieber's. With all the pictures flickering and there's all, yeah, people said there's like subliminal. I can't remember what song it is. I'll find it in the break. That one.D.D's or Justin Bieber's with all the pictures flickering and all yeah people said it's like

subliminal I can't remember what song it is I'll find it in the break that one yeah is it the Skrillex one I can't remember

it's the Skrillex one yeah that one that one yeah there's apparently loads of like little hints in it or madness oh is that your ear

because you're like me and it's interesting and it's true I go deep into it I nearly convinced myself the earth was flat this year because you know when like

the way like I swear the way social media is all algorithm based now so like it's not like you won't just see things by chance if you like stuff or you interact with stuff

you'll see more of it. Like like this thing come up about like about the flat I don't believe it by the way that's why I make that very clear.

I'm not 100% sure but carry on. Like No Danny come on believe it and convince dan right okay i'll sell you so the theory is the earth being round is this like old like like masonic lie made up by the freemasons to to to to to confuse the general public and the actual truth of it is it's flat and there's something called a firmament i just want to make it very clear i'm not saying these are my beliefs i'm just saying things i've read on what's the firmament

the firmament's like a big dome over the earth right think of the simpsons movie exactly that right but just less they were in the simpsons have predicted everything so maybe they predicted this well but yeah the whole theory is like there's like a dome over the earth and and like or like it's because i like the one thing that made me go like hmm a little but the one thing that made me go like maybe was nas like there was people saying like nasa that haven't got satellites in space they just send them up and like they have it at the top of the dome nasa nasa apparently like the biggest consumer and buyer of of helium gas in the world and i was like balloons because they all have like, dressed down Fridays where they can be like,

hey, have a space for me. Yeah. So NASA are filling up the dome with a bit of helium or is it the balloons? See, it's difficult to speak to an uneducated mind like Dan sometimes.

So I'm going to break it. It is. You're a flat earther. No, no, no, no. No, I'm not. I'm not a flat earther at all. I am. Show me the edge of the dome then.

What do you mean the edge of the dome? I'm not going to cut. That's show me the edge of the dome then what do you mean the edge of the dome you've been to Antarctica that's just a big snow wall go over it fly over it no one's ever gone over it

why because you can't because it's the end of the world to do it you've got to get to Antarctica and the majority of Antarctica

is restricted to obviously like general you can't just go there like obviously yeah people come and

stop you so why don't we give a flat earther like a bill I am saying for a fact the earth's we give a flat earther like a bill i'm saying for a fact the earth's flat give a flat earther i love it how he's gone from like i'm just letting you know these are my beliefs but you've pissed me off and now they are i will not believe something as soon as somebody argues against that i'm like no it's true i'm telling you why we'd send up, a flat earther,

and they'd go, oh, shit, it is round. And then when they came back, I'm going to go, oh, you've been paid off. Yeah, but I feel like sometimes, though, you'll just disagree with these things for the sake of us

playing devil's advocate. You just like the debate. No, that's literally... Can you prove to me that it's not? That's all flat earthers. They're the contrarians. They're the guys,

you know what? You've been mugged off here. That's what they want you to think, That's the fucking norm. That's what they want you to think. That's what you've literally just tried to spin it around the other way. You're falling for the Masonic Christ. You're a fucking contrarians. There they go. You know what? You've been mugged off here. That's what they want you to think, Dan. That's the fucking norm. That's what they want you to think. That's what you've literally just tried to spin it around the other way. You're falling for the Masonic wise. You're a fucking contrarian thinking the earth is round.

I don't even know what contrarian means, so use those big words on anybody else. What about New Zealand? So Antarctica's the end of the world. I don't know what that means. What, like, if you go to New Zealand, is that just the corner of the earth? No, because it's a circle.

Yeah, it's a circle. Can't have corners on a circle, Dan. So the earth is, it's flat, but it's a big circle with a big dome over it. Like a snow globe. But why do snow globes exist? Little clues that they leave for us. Ah, there you are. When these guys are making snow globes. You know the way Paul McCartney's got no shoes on on the front of Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts?

Which one? Abbey Road. He's got no shoes on because he's dead. They leave clues because they like... Sorry. You know Paul McCartney died and was replaced with a lookalike? Actually, I've heard the theory,

but I've never really delved into it. I've heard the theory. Well, Paul McCartney is dead. Yeah, he was replaced with a lookalike. Paul McCartney was replaced with a lookalike and to leave a little clue, on the cover of Abbey Road, everyone's got webs on,

apart from Paul McCartney. It's to show he's dead. This is like being a Scouse after party where everyone's coked up and I'm surrounded by lads going black. But they were hippies back then.

So maybe he just, ah, let's fuck the shoes off. Why have the rest of them got shoes on? The most hippie one was John Lennon. He'd be the one with no shoes on.

I hadn't thought of it like that. He got replaced by Billy Shares. Yeah, it looks not unlike him. There's a few people who have apparently been replaced.

Eminem is meant to be another one. Avril Lavigne. Paul McCartney was Asian at first, you know? Yeah. Just no one ever forgot. He just went, you know what I'm going to do for this album cover? I'm going to not wear shoes.

And everyone's like, all right, cool, do what you want. Yeah, that's what I mean. 40, 50 years later. Fucking hell, lad. He hasn't even got the same nose anymore, Dan. You fucking idiot. So it's a different person.

Okay, see, I've not looked after, but I had to stop myself looking at conspiracies, though, because I'd go deep to the point where Okay see I've not I've not looked at But like see I had to stop myself Looking at conspiracies though Because like Because like I'd go deep Like to the point where like I'm with you I honestly You can

If you look close enough You can see it And you know when people are real I used to think Jeremy Clarkson was real Show the joints What do you mean You used to think Jeremy

Right okay I'm all for it But like I feel like If you were Maybe like the powers that be And you're going to replace anyone or or fake anybody it wouldn't be jeremy clarkson no he's just never been real

it's always been a please explain if you look closely you can see the joints he's a cyborg well see i've seen loads of shit about like like because have you seen about like like there's apparently three job if you play yeah course, why do they all forget that? Tell each other. No, right, listen, right,

I promise you, right, because look, like, Twitter's bad for it, because you'll go down one thread of a conspiracy, Finn, find me the three Joe Bidens,

please, I need to prove this, because I googled this ages ago, and I couldn't find it, and it made me think, like, it's not real. No, see,

that's what the three Joe Bidens want you to think. If you play one of the songs on Abbey Road backwards on a record player, it literally says, Oh, Paul's not here. There's three Joe Bidens. There's going to be three Joe Bidens. It was Joe Biden's page on Tuesday, by the way. Oh, thank God.

Which one? Which one? Exactly. That's a lot of candles, isn't it? For three of them. No, if you play it backwards. 240 fucking candles. Paul McCartney's dead.

He's got no webs on. Well, I've... The earth is flat. What does it say in the song? Can you pull it up? Finn. Wait, one minute. I'm looking for three Joe Bidens.

What am I doing? Have I missed something? I'll find it. What are we looking for now? So what does it say? Paul McCartney's gone. The old song. It's like,

Paul McCartney's dead. Do, do, do, do. Paul McCartney they say? Paul McCartney's gone. Beatles song. It's like, Paul McCartney's dead. Do, do, do, do. This is how we broke the news backwards on the song. Yeah, he's got no web. I'd love it if it was just some guy going, yeah, you're a silly bollock.

All the clues have been put forward by fans playing different Beatles songs backwards, such as, Turn Me On, Dead Man. Here we go.

I've got a story for you. The theory goes that on the 9th of November, 1966, Paul McCartney was tragically killed in a story for you. The theory goes that on the 9th of November 1966, Paul McCartney was tragically killed in a car crash on his way home from working on Sgt Pepper's album in the studio. That's why I got confused. The Beatles, wanting to save their fans

from the heartache of losing Paul and dealing with the loss of their bandmate, decided to conceal the truth and replace Paul with a winner of a Paul McCartney lookalike contest. A secret one. With the fella who's entered in the competition not turn up and be like, why am I being judged by a George Harrison Ringo star and John

Leonard? This all seems a little bit... His name was William Campbell or Billy Shears to his mates. And in the years following the tragic accident, the remaining Beatles were wracked with guilt and began leaving clues and messages in their music and material to communicate the truth to the fans.

The truth, in reality, there is no evidence to support this. Oh, bollocks. What's this website? I hate when they do that. I hate because they haul you in with a paragraph. The evidence. The evidence. In the 50 years following the conspiracy,

first gaining international fame, Beatles fans all over the world have submitted their own ideas of support and evidence. While most are far-fetched, several have become synonymous with the conspiracy over time for their unusual, albeit coincidental, nature. John Lennon was particularly vocal about his annoyance of people who read too much into the lyrical meanings of Beatles songs and in response wrote Glass Onion in 1968 to purposefully confuse the culprit's lies.

Ironically, Paul is dead. Conspiracy theorists took the lyrics to mean to be an admittance of Paul's death, particularly the lyrics, Well, here's another clue for you all the walrus was paul and you know glass onion yeah okay fans have suggested that this is not only a reference to the song i am the walrus written by john lennon for the magical mystery tour album but more specifically to the album cover the artwork portrays the band in costumes dressed as animals three of which are stood shoulder to shoulder dressed in white fur, whilst one, the walrus, appears separate from the

others, dressed all in black, a colour often associated with mourning and death. It's a fact. Or it may seem an odd coincidence. Fans have often debunked so-called evidence, as not only did John write and sing I Am The Walrus himself, but can be seen wearing the very same walrus costume in the Magical

Mystery Tour film. All walruses are dead walruses are not real it's a sea lion have you ever seen the Britney Spears one that's scatty yeah that's weird

have you seen the video she puts on Twitter and that and that by the way she's fucking weird when the filter breaks yeah no

go back to it so hit me baby one more time if you play it backwards it says Paul McCartney's Wallace. You've never played it backwards? No, it's on YouTube.

It's something like, don't fuck me. Don't fuck me, I'm much too young. And it's when she was a kid. Go on YouTube and find it. No, no, I don't know if I want to hear that. Finn's internet is wild today. I know. No, lads, lads, search that.

I hope you're on incognito because you otherwise plod a baston through that door in about five minutes and Finn's getting gripped. Can you hear on there? Is that on? No. No. I hope you're on incognito because you otherwise plod a baston through that door in about five minutes and Finn's getting gripped. Can you hear on there? Is that on? No. Let's have it on air.

Right, you can hear it's Scotty, by the way. Wait. Don't sleep with me. I'm much... It does kick in. Wait, wait. Walruses.

So she says, ah, sleep with me. I'm not too young. Apparently it's to bait the nonces in. But why would she be wanting to do that though? I don't know. But what, like, I thought, I'm all for the conspiracy theory. But that sounded like nothing. It didn't sound like anything.

That sounded like, hit me baby one more time. Weirdly backwards. But like, listen, listen, listen. 9-11 wasn't real. That's mad. Do you know what we've done the other week, right? So the other week, me, Bobby and Gary thought we'd be invited to like,

because obviously every now and again, we'll get invited to like a launch every now and again we'll get invited to like a launch for something and like we'll go just because we're like we never know you're going to meet

it could be cool so we get this message off the Liverpool Beatles museum and we were like ah fucking hell and they invited us to like the world premiere of the new Beatles song

that came out so we were like get on us we were like the Beatles museum have messaged us and invited us to the world premiere

of a Beatles song I was like Paul will be be there oh billy i was like there was just loads of walruses and then we got there and it wasn't the big one on the docks it was the little one on matthew street and they were like it's gonna be getting broadcast to like 50 million people so i was like itv are gonna be there maybe sky i told me nan and everything i was like guess where i'm going she was like kind of cool i was like you've not got a podcast now you haven't put the hours in like we have and then we got there and it was like it was just like a listening party to the world premiere and the people who were broadcasting it to millions of people was these like japanese tv networks so we've got there you're just watching the telly so you're watching japanese telly no so we've got there yeah you're just watching the telly so you're watching japanese

telly no so we were there and there was like japanese news crews there but they were like this is getting broadcast to 50 million people you just didn't specify the demographic are you sure they were japanese news crews because japanese people notoriously love a camera on matthew street well no i did like japanese news i love if your second solo show was in Japan we're getting them all but we got there and like we'd had a couple of joints and a couple of pints before we went to take the edge off

just in case Paul was there. And I was going to be like, I got this tattoo because of you, Paul. Apparently, you're just some fella called Billy. So you can go and fuck yourself. What tattoo?

I went to Glasgow last year and this year. But last year, I'd seen Paul McCartney and Let It Be is my favourite song. And obviously, I was on a copious amount

of Muslims while I was there. And I cried in my eyes watching him sing Let It Be so I come back still a bit like that and then got a tattoo of Let It Be but I got the date

that I seen Paul McCartney and now everyone thinks it's the date my nan died or something like that it might have been it wasn't though and then and then like

fucking so we get there we very quickly realised we've oversold this to ourselves so we were already a little bit tipsy very quickly realised like, we've oversold this to ourselves. So like, we were already a little bit, like a little bit tipsy.

And there was like, the bar was just full of glasses of Prosecco. So I was like, well, I just nailed like six of them and then made it my mission to get on Japanese news. And then eventually,

like, I think, I think me following, because like, honestly, like, like, like when I say made it my mission,

I mean, I followed them for like half an hour. Like, they were going on an interview with other people and I was like intentionally placing myself in the back of the interview. Such a young Scouse lad's way of doing things. Like what, is that free Prosecco, is it?

Well, I'll have two bottles of that for me. And now where's this Japanese news channel? Classic young Scouse thing to do. I'm always following Japanese fucking news. That's all young Scouse lads do.'m always following japanese fucking news young scouts lads do and then fucking so like eventually they agreed i think to do like fear for the to interview me because i was getting like i basically just budged my way into an interview and then i was like like how can i how can i take the piss out of this i was like how can i make it

funny and then obviously like they used they use like ai to like sort of match up some of the vocals because John Lennon only recorded half of it before and then and then they were like so what did you think about AI

and obviously I've spoken about it on our podcast all the time like about like I think AI is going to kill us all like I genuinely do bollocks Carl please

turn it off please Carl are we able to turn itself back on yeah have you not seen about, I think, I think.

Love a finger for the switch. I think it was like Switzerland or something. Don't go to Switzerland. Yep. Unless you're really sick and in pain. Well, yeah. But then they had these two like quantum computers that they run on AI

and like they learned how to like, they created a language between themselves to communicate through code and then when the like. And what happened? Well, they had to obviously unplug them. What else is going to happen, lad? What do you expect them to do?

Exactly. Bell John Connor and be like, hey, look, your ma was onto it, you know? You reckon two computers talking to you means we're all going to die? Just leave the room and set it off? Obviously not right now, but AI is going to get more advanced.

Have you heard Sophia? She's like, hey, look... I've got a whole bit about it. I've got a whole bit that I do on stage about it. No, you wouldn't. you heard Sophia? Who she's like, I've got a whole bit about it. I've got a whole bit that I do on stage about it. No, you wouldn't. She's a robot and she's like, I think the world would be better

without humans. She's racist. This is what I'm trying to say because they've already got robots now that can like fire guns and run. I've got a whole bit about this that I do on stage. One day,

some little nerd is going to get curious enough and put the head of that robot that thinks the world would be better without humans onto the body of that robot that thinks the world would be better without humans onto the body of a robot that can shoot and probably never misses, by the way. All right, just stand behind it.

Lad, come on. Kyle, you're getting mad. How would you deal with this? You can't get into a conspiracy theory around it. You just, he tries to... No, I like them, but AI is bollocks, mate. Come on, lad. What a brilliant option.

Just stand behind it. Everyone involved with AI thinks it's going to be the death of humanity, and you're just sat here doing podcasts. And they're still doing it? Yeah, because they also want to see. There's too much money in it for them to not find out. In 1999, people thought because cans had the wrong date on, planes were going to fall out the sky.

And they did two years later. Was it? Was that the bug? Bollocks. It's bollocks. What a load of shite. Look, Kyle, do you know one day

when we're on the Judgment Day battlefield and you're reaching out, I'll walk past you and be like, I fucking told you this was going to happen. I'm not risking my life now because you didn't believe it. You're going to be dead as well.

How do you know, Kyle? Sophie. John Connor didn't know it was John Connor that it happened. I'd smash Sophie's head in it, by the way. Who is she? Did we make her? You just see her. You didn't make her was John Connor by the way who is she did we make her you just see

you didn't make her is the one like oh is it that one yeah it's the early stages I think you're thinking of Margaret Thatcher though actually

it was the one that was on this morning oh yeah yeah she didn't just get there herself did she someone put her on the couch yeah until they put

until they put the head onto the body that can walk but I side with you a little bit on this but you're like She kept it herself, didn't she? Someone put it on the couch. Yeah, until they put the head onto the body, that can walk. But I side with you a little bit on this, but you're like, right now, my computer is on that desk. If it starts on me, I'll walk off. It hasn't got legs, so I cannot see a problem.

I love it how you're not showing any, like, there's levels of development. We're developing it. Oh, we're scared of this put salt on its arms ah but the argument is once they're building their own

once they start building themselves what do you mean building themselves I told you this last week by the way the one in Japan you didn't believe me

this the kid who turned himself back on and killed all the children because that didn't happen oh oh here we go yeah yeah yeah

I just feel like you like I could come at you with concrete evidence of something you could not you haven't got concrete evidence I've got folders I've got files

you haven't seen them 27,000 YouTube videos you don't know when I see a toaster like get on the 61 and then get off and bat or someone I'll be like

oh we're fucked can I just stop please where is the M61? No, the 61 bus. Oh, okay. Back in your box.

Well, that's fucking ridiculous. Do that motorway as well? Oh, yeah. Get off a bus. Well, no one mentioned the same way. No one mentioned the mighty. Yeah, bollocks. Watch out.

There's a bunch of toasters coming. Watch out. That's one of them. That's one of them. Smeg kettles. That's one of the best ones. Smeg kettle. That's a euphemism. Smartettles, that's one of the best ones. Smeg kettle,

that's a euphemism. Smart fridges now though, isn't it? Why do you need them? Okay, wait, wait, the smart fridges. What do they do that's smart? They're going to give you

salmonella and make your chicken go off. I've never met Sam or Ellis so I'm not worried about that. I'm trying to say. Hang on, so you think the fridges are going? Hey lad,

undercooked that, under chilled. That's one step though, isn't it? That's our thing right now. They're altering the temperature in the room. If the room gets, hey lad undercooked underchill like that's one step though isn't it that's how I'm just going right now they're altering the temperature

in the room if the room they go colder but secretly what the fridges are saying is we're going to kill these cunts

is that what they're doing is that what they're doing we're going to just give us a few years I've got I've got a load of made to a toasters and once we learn

he's just got on the bus now we have a year in a minute once we're old enough to get a fucking bus pass we'll go fucking kill someone I've got a load of made-to-a-toasters. He's just got on the bus now. You'll be here in a minute. Once we're old enough to get a fucking bus pass, we'll fucking kill someone. So I know there's fridges that can order your food. That's cool. So it sees what's running out and it orders it for you.

If it orders something you're led to on purpose, then I'll be like, aye. I reckon they're going to start low, though. They're going to start ordering like... Yeah, exactly. They're not going to call it writing. Just to do your heading. Do you know what I mean? I reckon when you open the fridge and it's holding a gun, They're gonna start ordering like brands. You don't need any like off-brand hoopsies. Brands for beans. Just to do your heading, do you know what I mean?

I reckon when you open the fridge and it's holding a gun, then I'll get one. It's gonna be emotional abuse first. It's gonna be like, oh, I ordered your beans that you wanted, but to the wrong brand. You'll be like, oh, you're doing me a head in. It's not good. Are you eating again, fatty?

There's a talk like that when the door opens. Oh, lad. It's like telling some villain. It just bounces around. Hello. Oh, you fat fuck. I know you wanted chicken, but I got you some of this. Go on, have a fucking look for ice cream, you big tubby cunt.

I honestly don't even want this. It's going to melt all your fucking glasses. That's what it is. The robots aren't going to try and, like, kill us. They're just going to, like, just pick away at your self-esteem until, like, you haven't got the motivation to want to do anything. They don't have to kill us if they gaslight us

into suicide. That's what it is. That's what it is. AI, if you're watching this and you can't in the future, yous are all bad maggots. Come for me. Yous are doing nothing.

Do you know when your day comes, you will live to rue those words, Carl. I want to get on board with the fridges. I think there's an untapped market there.

I could be doing stand-up shows to fridges. Let's say there was an army of powerful ai fridges taking over the world and i'm not saying this with any disrespect why would they need you to help them he's saying you're going to get on board with them well i've done forces gigs so if it's an army of fridges there's gigs out there i'll take it i'll be dead by then as well. Do you think there's sentient fridges in my lifetime? You don't know how fast they are. It's going to develop.

Sentient. Yeah. Blackberries were like 10 years ago. Wow. What's changed? We've come so far now as well. You can FaceTime now. You can watch a film.

They're going to kill us. I can watch any film that's ever been made on that within like two minutes of thinking about it. Yeah. 20 years ago, you had to like turn the internet off so that you could fucking like bring your nan and in 20 years in 20 years fridges are killing us all fridges and toasters are gonna bum you to death

i had to put a 25 years ago vhs in a player press play now any film 25 years in the future bummed to death by fridge overlords I feel like one of my biggest fears one of my biggest fears has been made of molly have you ever known like

it's a genuine fear I have are you scared of fridges not just don't go in the kitchen yes if the fridge freezes that's where they're going to fall down

if the ones with a fridge and a freezer on a fridge we've given them too much power too quickly one or the other be it fridge or a freezer you haven't got we've given them too much power too quickly. One or the other. Be it fridge or a freezer. You haven't got dexterity. Close the door.

Imagine you're just sat in yours and you're like, oh, I really fancy a Solero. And you go in and it's just a bag of mush. If they let me fridge, they would be a bag of mush. Not a big smart fridge. That could regulate temperature. It's a fucking yogurt. Oh, there'll be Soleros in the fridge and a bag of mush.

They're coming. They've I was in the fridge in a bag of munch. They're coming. They've started. Lock the doors. No, you just put it in the wrong place, didn't you? If you fucking chipotle sauce jumps out of the cup and starts punching me head in,

I'll get back to you. Please, someone make the graphic of some toasters jumping off the 61 bus to beat someone up. Please. Do they have arms or like these toasters?

Oh, they will do. They will. Eventually. The first dickhead who puts legs on fridges is an enemy to humanity. I'm saying that right now. I agree. Watch his mood change. I agree. Mate, I'm in the dining room.

The fridges follow us. There's humans with legs who I'm not scared of. Why the fuck would I? Oh, here we go. But I tell you what, what about if they make AI monkey fridges? Then you're shit, you pants, mate. That's all going to kettle of... Wait!

There are murderers who exist and you aren't scared at all. But when fridges get legs, we're done. We're done. No, but tell me you wouldn't be terrified, right? You're sat in your dining room and you just look behind you and the fridge is just looking like... You're telling me that your fridge is poking its head out the kitchen. You would be like, hang on, something hinky is going on here. Looking through the blinds at you from the front garden.

Whose fridge is that? I've got a front garden and my fridge is integrated. He loves winning arguments like this. Mine's integrated. I feel like you're one of the worst people to argue with. It's built in. I paid a lot of money for it. I've got a lock on my kitchen door. And I sold the old one to me mum.

Yous aren't scared of things that you should be scared of. Murderers exist and yous are scared of AI. Yeah, fuck them, lad. What do you mean, fuck them? They could come in now and kill us now.

Yeah, they could, yeah. Yeah, with a fridge. Yeah, but the chances are, though, the chances are if a murderer comes in here now, he's going for one of them at the back first or what are you doing?

I've got enough time to probably throw something that way to distract them and run out the door I'll take the dog with me I'll live on in your memory so are you thinking

of fridge is that how it works with murderers you go come on fetch I was there to kill everyone but he's six feet away no but what I'm saying though

is like I feel like with a murderer there's always a chance you could just punch his head in. If it's a robot, then what? There's no murder that's coming in now and off me. OK, then, so if you went outside now and there was, like, a Dyson in the middle of the floor

that wasn't there before, would you be like, sorry, lad? No, Carl, we're not scared of hoovers. No, but give it 25 years. Listen, listen, we're not scared of hoovers and we're not scared of fridges. We're scared of the future of AI where robots with machine guns can break in here

and just spray us all before we blink. Yeah. Laugh it up all you want, Carl, but it's coming. It's coming. It's never coming. What's the wildest conspiracy theory you believe in? Oh, no. Define wild because robots I believe in are real.

Like Hillary Clinton scramams kids in a pizza I agree see are you familiar I've spoken about this on our podcast a few times are you familiar

with the conspiracy theory and it's code name is Operation Bluebeam no allow me to blow your mind so right so

basically right and I very much believe this this isn't even like oh maybe the earth's flat I very much believe this is happening and I don't think it's too far away right now carl if you will

allow before before you start like you plead your case but if there's any like fucking i don't know sentient lawnmowers in there also carl's gonna win the argument we're going i'll lock the door i've got a house they've not got keys i don't even know what the conspiracy is i'll just not go i'll go somewhere else. What about that? I'll stand behind them. I'm not asked. Go on. So the whole thing is that they're going to fake an alien invasion

in order to sort of have everyone, for this whole new world order thing, which has been apparently on the cards since 9-11. The whole podcast is tying together quite nicely. It's all going together. It's quite a story. So what this is going to be is if you believe it

I'm indulging you Danny I appreciate that Kyle so humaning you sorry what they're going to do I prefer the word indulge I'll go with indulge

so what they're going to do is they're going to use hologram projectors to make us think we're being invaded by aliens let me fucking finish Kyle before you even dare

try and start chatting about sentient warmowers Carl it's got nothing to do with lights it's got nothing to do with lights go on right so

what they're gonna do they're gonna fake an alien invasion and they're gonna use hologram projectors right I'll fall for that I know what you're thinking

Carl I know what you're thinking you can't project a hologram onto this thin air you at least need a sort of translucent like the way when you're in a

two pack concert they had to fill the stage with dry ice to project the hologram onto. Bill Gates is an evil man. He owns something like 85% of all the farmland in America. For what reason? Now, the whole theory is-

Wait, Tupac farms? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Kyle, you will see. You will see, Kyle. I want you to paint the picture. Go on, paint the picture. So he's been spraying up into the ozone layer like dust.

He says to slow down the effect of global warming. Just stop the UV rays coming through as quickly. But if you subscribe to the Operation Bluebeam 30, that's there so that they can project these 3D holograms. Who's projecting them? I don't know them personally. The powers that be, Cal. Oh, the Rockefellers. There you go. That's them. What if it's windy that day?

Throwing stones and... What if it's windy on the day? I will admit that is not a variable I'd taken into account. What happens if everyone just ignores the holograms? Because the holograms can't do anything. Yeah, but obviously you're not going to think that though, are you? I've googled it. It says that Operation

Bluebeam is the conspiracy conspiracy theory to those purposes to create an artificial second coming so they're gonna make that's not a christmas song play the song backwards if you play spac. Yeah, but play it backwards, lad. Britney Spears is getting nonced. Play the song backwards. If you play Space Man Came Travelling fucking backwards, it's like, lad, Bill Gates is fucking spraying loads of shit. Watch out for the holograms. It's coming.

It's all fake. Hey, and check your fridge. Is this on a Ouija board? What's with the fucking... That's why your nan didn't have a fridge. She had a pantry. She fucking knew. She only kept all her produce in the garden.

Is that Jack O'Connor? Like the rabbit in the middle? Yeah, it is, yeah. Bollocks. Sorry, what a load of shite. Carl, do you know what? Listen, just... You think they're going to do...

Oi, Danny, what is knowing this going to help? How is this going to help? Just stay ahead of the cave. Well, unless it's flat. Right. Unless it's flat. Ahead of the flat plane. Yeah, yeah.

With a feminine tone. Stay ahead of the ice plane with a feminine head of the ice walls and you won't see it coming i haven't done cocaine for a while but this last 41 minutes has made me feel like i've done cocaine i've literally been at after parties going i know we can make this i always see the ones no there's just a lot I always see them on Twitter Danny I need a break mentally you are flying

it's fire I need to not like hear another conspiracy theory I'm getting off the topic anyway because I don't want to come across as a fucking lunatic

throughout this whole podcast I want to make that very clear I think it might be too late it might be but I'm still gonna try and steer the ship

in the opposite direction but I've got to be honest with you you've got me convinced I'm still going to try and steer the ship in the opposite direction. But I've got to be honest with you. Yeah, you've got me convinced. I'm a salesman at best. Break. Yeah. Wow.

Part four, we're here. Wow. Hello. Have we got any? All right. Now, Hanoi.

We do have some prep, but it's a bit different this week. Oh, Finn. Okay. Are you taking a risk? We've spoken to Bobby and Gary. Oh, have you really?

We have. From the What's Happening podcast. Give your pod a little plug now. I do a podcast called the What's Happening podcast. It'll be two mates, Bobby and Gary, who Finn has apparently spoken to. Where do we find them? YouTube, What's Happening podcast, Instagram,

What's Happening comedy. We've got a Patreon as well. We're going to be doing a lot more than that in the new year because we've actually finally hired a producer. So we've got time to focus more on the Patreon too.

Do you know the first podcast I ever did, it was just me, was called Adam Rose What's Happening Podcast. I was saying that before. And it's still on SoundCloud if anyone wants to go

and have a listen to it. It is. It's still dead good as well. Oh no, poo. It's poo. I used to have a listen to it it is it's still dead good as well oh no poo yeah that's it it's poo I used to have a podcast called Shag Married Annoyed but

it was really weird because I wasn't married so it was weird didn't work so I'm not sure how much they've stitched you up here but they've got

they've asked us to ask you some questions okay so this first one it just says ask him about the time he had to stick two fingers up a dog's arse that didn't happen that genuinely never happened i wish it did but it never good prepping well done love well no i mean i wish i wish i had a story for you there but okay what

about the time your ex bird left skids in your toilet bowl right that did happen that's a very different no i mean i mean is it you leaves the beer what's mean someone leaves skids again it does my head we've got toilet brushes who is it i clean it lie no i do cleaner right I'm becoming a conspiracy theorist just now I do clean it when you've got a bowel

movement like I have you get used to a bit of decor you know what I mean you can't be shitting up people's walls decor bit of pebble dashing

yeah toilet brushes exist for a reason please use them it is mad isn't it having a little poo stick that you just keep in your house have you ever cleaned the toilet brush

I remember I used to work in this car insurance car insurance company. It was only in town. It got sacked, obviously. And I've got the video show still on my phone.

I went in the toilet one day and someone had obviously like wiped the toilet with the toilet brush. But I don't know what the fuck they'd done after it because from the toilet, and it wasn't that far, but it was leading to a toilet seat

and then around to where you put it back in that little hole there, there was just like shit on the floor. Yeah, because someone's done a runny poo and cleaned it and then just... Yeah, but if the poo's that runny, you can flush it away. Some people don't think.

Some people are stupid. Some people are monsters. Some people make a mistake that they'll never repeat. But no, yeah, the skid marks in the toilet. So I was in college. I think I was about 18, 19. Last year then, how old are you? I'm 25.

I just look unbelievable for my age. So I've been seeing this girl anyway, and she'd come down to ours a few times. It wasn't anything like too serious we were just like sort of like seeing each other like we'd see

it was all over like you'd see her in college but like because that was with me mates like I wouldn't know answer and that

so I'd be like wasn't that her I didn't even see her I wasn't even looking just some bear lads there's that many

but she'd come round to ours one day and then we'd walk the shop and then we were on our way back from the shop she was like is there a public toilet round here? And I was like, of course the fucking isn't so I was like

You fucking idiot. I was like just go to the residential area. Yeah in the middle of the park I was like, I mean you can go to the toilet and I should be in before she's like I Don't need a we though. I was like, well, why'd you go to the toilet and I should be in before she's like I don't need a we though I in my head I was like well why you go on the toilet it didn't it didn't click in my head at first because girls don't poo do they at least they shouldn't if they had any respect like do you know like like yeah keep that in your own house yeah don't poo in my house so she went for the poo in yours so she ends up going for a shit and then in your downstairs toilet no we only have one toilet it's an upstairs toilet

very standard and like about like 10 minutes later I went for bear in mind it was only me and her in the house as well

it was just us two in the house and there was I went to the toilet about 10 minutes later and it wasn't even like a little bit no one of those like

little like like it's not even like a sk bit no one was like little like like it's not even like a skid mark it's like a flake that just happens to stick it was like like right that like I'm talking

you must have been like three and a half four inch down the back of the bog and I went back into my room and I was like was she in your room? after she'd been for the shit yeah

hang on so she was just walking around and she went for the shit that's mad she was like so we got back to her she went for the shit and then come back in my room like we were just chilling and then a little while later walking around and she went for the shit? That's mad. So we got back to her, she went for the shit,

and then come back in my room, we were just chilling. And then a little while later, I went to the toilet for a piss. And I've opened the toilet, the seat, and I was like, well, I didn't do that. It's only me and her in the house. As far as I'm aware, the dog doesn't use the toilet. He's got a garden where he goes for that. So I went back in my room and I was like,

I'm not trying to sound rude here. You didn't bring it up. What? Are you mad? Brother. Of course I fucking did. What are you doing? Why?

Just clean it and get on with it. What are you doing? Right, listen. If it was in... Just piss it off. No, no, no, no. If I was in her house, I'm not going to bring it up. It's her house.

Do what the fuck you want in your house. No, lad. You cannot tell a woman she's left poo on your walls, even they're the walls of your toilet oh no i think you bring that up i don't even do that in my house there's a toilet brush there if you leave it usually did you have sex with that thing i can't remember remember, it was years ago. Oh yeah, yeah, she was really up for it. She was like, sorry, Danny, I'll go and clean my shit and then we'll fuck. No, no, he didn't have sex with her.

But oh yeah, I just thought, you cheeky cunts. Oh shit. Like, nah, obviously. Open it. You cheeky cunts. You cheeky cunts. You cheeky cunts. No, I'm not the only one who feels like,

nah, fuck that lad. Fuck the column. I liked it. I didn't expect it. Did you clean it? Did you make a cleaner? No, I obviously went back and done it. I'm a gentleman. I'm not going to go, get back in there.

She's not going to come in and wipe her face in it going, you fucking dirty bitch. No, you saw her shit, went and told her, and then you went and cleaned it. What was the point in telling her? Well, because I wanted to just set a precedent going forward that, look, it's okay to shit in my house, fine. But clean it up?

Yeah, but like, I might like, And have some more roughage. No, because if you're gonna leave skiddies that bad, you may as well just not flush, in my eyes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. If she had a shit and went to the bathroom. No, because it was that big, no, because you could still have it.

I'm telling you what, lad,'m going to come to yours, right? And what's going to happen is... What's going to happen is... I'm going to do an absolute massive fucking mwch bang in your toilet, right? And I'm not going to flush. And then you're going to tell me what she did is as bad as what I've done. And I will call you a liar sir. Look, I'm not arsed lad.

If I go to someone's house and I leave I leave skid marks on the toilet I'm going to have the decency to clean it especially if especially if like like bearing in mind

we'd only been seeing each other like I don't even think it was like a couple of months so it's still relatively new if it had been a couple of years in also I'm not arsed

there's shit everywhere you're part of the furniture shit in the garden on the couch don't get up the telly's on do you know what I mean that's madness lad

you're a wild kid you can't you can't bring that up's on. Do you know what I mean? That's madness, lad. You're a wild kid. You can't bring that up. You don't talk about poo to a girl. What's the next one? Yeah, no, I agree. So don't make me fucking look at it and then we want to throw off the conversation. I told Carlos a while back

and I did this as a stand-up bit. I did this as a stand-up bit once at our Hackney Empire show. Oh, yeah. But I had a girl back at mine once and we were in, I used to, I'm in a different bedroom

and that was the one I first had in the flat. And like there was an en suite and she literally, so mad that this is a true story. She goes, do you want to fuck me in the toilet?

What? Whilst there is a bed? We're in bed and the bathroom's there. She's like, do you want to fuck me in the toilet? No.

And I went, no, no? No. And I went, no, no, no. And she went, really? I thought men liked that. And she genuinely meant bumming. She wanted to be the bummer. She was like,

do you want to fuck me in the toilet? And I was like, I found it too funny. So I was like, why would you call your arse on your toilet? She was like, well,

I only really use it when I go to the toilet. And she has a special brush for it. Yeah. She did. She special brush for it. Yeah. At least she did. At least she had the fucking brush. Right, the next one. The next one.

Honestly. I have to give you more. It killed the rest of the movie. The rest of the night. Because I just couldn't not find everything she said funny after that. Don't fuck me in the toilet. I was like, why would I fuck you in the toilet? No, thanks.

I don't mean the toilet. I mean the toilet. I was like, what? I think that's a horrible. It caused an asshole the toilet. I mean the toilet. What? I think that's a horrible... Who calls an asshole their toilet? I've got a really itchy toilet. Does my toilet look big in this? I don't know.

Finn, right. The next one is kind of related, I think. Okay. Is there a story about doing anal with a Norwegian? Toilet. Toilet with a Norwegian. Is that Bobby who told you that? Right in the toilet.

He's a cunt. Are you bummed a Norwegian? Are you bummed a Norwegian? Well, I'm not a racist. Very few people get accused of that. You're anti-Norwegian, you swine. I'm not a racist. You love Norwegians, Danes, Swedes.

Right, no, okay, so there is a story behind that. I didn't just go to Norway and be like, who wants Bowman? That would be wild, that, yeah. It would be a strange way. Have you ever slept with a non-white? What is that? What is that?

What is that question? I don't think that's a racist term. What's the size of the toilet on earth? What's wrong with that question? There's probably a better way of wording it. Go on then. Have you ever slept with white girls? No.

Well better way of asking. Why is that better? Non-white just seems like- What I do is funnier. What do we do here, Carl? What are we here for, really? Is to say inappropriate stuff in a persuasive humour. And that's what I was doing, all right?

All right? You fucked any non-whites? Yeah. So the Norwegian. Which is white. Yeah. John Norwegian. Which is white. Yeah. John Carew, isn't it? John Carew, isn't it?

Apart from John Carew. Did you fuck John Carew? Oddly enough, it wasn't John Carew. Is that going to mean you? It wasn't John Carew. No, so the whole... Mate, if John Carew wants to fuck, he's going to, isn't he? He doesn't even have to ask. No, I'm not...

He holds the ball. I'm going to be a bit soylent in, mate. he's a big no like I'm not like look he holds the ball I need to be a toilet in mate I

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I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I IHDHDHDH like give or take. And I went to, you know, the open mic and shenanigans, I think it's like once or twice a month. I went there. Best Guinness in the city. There you go. If anyone's looking for a Guinness in Liverpool, shenanigans. It's just, it's on the wrong side of town to have like a night out. It's a little bit out the way though, isn't it?

Yeah. I mean, it's a nice pub though. It is the best Guinness in the city though. It's a sick pub. Is that the one facing central? No. No, it's over by, it's past like the ship of Mitre. Like best Guinness in the city, though. It's a sick pub. Is that the one facing central? No. No, it's over by, it's past, like, the ship of Mitre,

like, in the... Oh, no one's going there. But it is the best Guinness in the city. It is a cool pub. They do, like, a little open mic there. I think... I'm sure it's still going. I haven't been.

This episode's so scouse. It's unbelievable. I haven't been for a while. And I get there, and I walk there, and there was this blonde girl sat there and like

she was good looking like handsome handsome woman hell of a striker yeah yeah it was actually

Erling Haaland Haaland that's what they say on FIFA I've been playing a lot of FIFA lately you look a lot like him no he doesn't

he's just blonde Dave do you know what? One of my biggest things is Dave Chappelle said that to me. Said that I look like Hayling Harland. That is a good claim. And then he passed me a joint. One of the coolest things I've ever done.

We were sat behind you, didn't we? I was. Oh, you was? Actually, yeah, I remember. I remember. But yeah, so anyway, I get there and I walked in. I was looking as I do. You know, I had the same face on and stuff and then i've seen her and i've sort of like nodded just you know

we've made eye contact i was just being pleasant um and then i've done the gig and then i had like like 45 minutes and i went to like me train so i thought i'm gonna have a pint here i'm gonna like i'm just gonna kill a bit of time and she's come over to me like dead pleasant. And she was like, I really enjoyed your set. How's your Norwegian? Okay, someone do a Norwegian accent. I really enjoyed your set. Okay, well, yeah, she's like, I really enjoyed your set.

Oh, that's got a part to it. It's a really good Dutch. Okay, yeah, okay. She was Dutch Christopher Walken. I really enjoyed your set. Christopher Walken. I really enjoyed. Christopher Scheichel. I'm fucking... That was good. Imagine a Dutch Al Pacino.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Imagine a Dutch Al Pacino. Go on. No, it's fine. No, that will. And then... Who the ha? Who the ha?

She's got a great ass. She's got the great toilet. Come on, Artin. She's got a great ass! She's got the great toilet. Toilet, come on, Artem! She's got a great toilet. I should go. I'm fucking... And then she's come over and she's like, I really enjoyed your set and I was like,

I can only imagine. And then... This story is like, I'm starting to feel anxious because it's been going a while and that's partly our fault. But in my head I'm like, just bum this Norwegian bird.

I'm dying for you to... Let me bum it! Go on, bum it. And then, so she was dead for it, I'm like, just bum this Norwegian bird. I'm dying for you to... Let me bum it! Go on, bum it. And then she was dead for it. She's like, would you like to come back to my place? And I was like, okay, gold member, sure. Wow. And she handed you a plane ticket.

Business class. It was a classy affair. And at any rate, so we got back to it. And, you know, we were doing what you do. You know, I was young. What were you doing? Coitus. Oh, full coital, yeah doing what you do. You know, I was young. What were you doing? Coitus. Oh, full coital, yeah.

Full coital. Nice. But, like, it wasn't even one of them. She was, like, patient with it. As soon as we got on the lift, she was, like, on it day to day. And so I was, like, oh, fucking hell. I was, like, this is one of those European experiences. So we get up to her apartment anyway.

You know, fucking doing as you do. And then she just says that. And she's, like, will you put it in my ass please and I was like please please what a lovely woman yeah that's one of the best things

a woman can say what isn't it fuck me in the toilet it's not on will you bum me please yeah it wasn't even like

do you want to it was like please will you sounds like an operative to me hang on how long from the first bonking

to the put in my arse, please? Because if that's like 15 seconds. No, a bit of a, like, I don't know, like, 10, 15 minutes. Oh, right. We'd gotten into it. And then she was like, oh, like, please, will you? So I was like, absolutely. So I was like, obviously.

So I was just like. Would you put it in my arse, please? No worries, if not. Best regards, Helga. Yeah. And your email previously found me. So anyway, so I've just went... Would you put it in my arse, please? No worries, if not. Best regards, Helga. And your email previously found me. So anyway, so I've put it in.

Yeah, so you've put it in. You know, in the toilet. And I was obviously going for it. Like, I'm not wasting that opportunity, obviously.

And then, after about, after a few minutes, I was like... Oh. Oh. Well, what's that? She's not used the brush. She hadn't used the brush. I, no, Dan, I was the brush. I was like oh oh what's that she did not use the brush

she hadn't used the brush I I was the brush I was essentially a baby wife in this story right and then like

it was quite dark in the apartment it was like a horror film I've looked down and like cars went past the window and like the lights

like the blinds and as the lights like went on me it wasn't even a little bit like there was like there was shit in me pubes and everything. Oh, yeah.

I mummed a woman and she peed the bed. It was disgusting. Have a shower. It was... So get on this. This is where the... You love that story. This is where the story gets fucking horrible, right?

I thought... And then this year again, I thought, you cheeky cunts. So I was like... Clear that up. I was like, can I go and sort myself out in the bathroom? She was like, oh, roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon? Gwnaeth hi ddod i'r ysgol? Roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon? Roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon? Roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon?

Roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon? Roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon? Roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon? Roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon? Roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon? Roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon? Roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon? Roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon? Roeddwn i'n meddwl, oes hi'n ddigon? I pooed on your pubes. Literally, it was in my groins. Do you know when you change a baby's nappy?

And it's everywhere. It wasn't even a little bit. You know it's been dirty sex when you need pseudo-creme afterwards. It was fucking horrible. In all fairness, it put the skiddies in the toilet into perspective. You'd rather have poo in your toilet

than all over your cock. And this is why we left Europe. So a girl you met in a pub just pooed on your dick and told you to go home? Yeah. So where's shenanigans again? Twice a week. Do you know what the worst bit was?

I'd missed me last train, obviously, at this point. And I didn't have enough money for the taxi, so I had to phone my dad to come and get me at like one o'clock in the morning. Yeah, dad, did you have to come and get me? No, yeah, she pooed everywhere. What? I know, he didn't shit all over my dick, dad.

I'm telling you right now, however old Jack gets, if he brings me up at one in the morning and goes, dad, I've got poo on my pubes, you need to come and save me. He did that last week, didn't he? Is there a story there? He just did one big toxic... Dad, I've got poo on my dick,

and this time it's someone else's. He's down on his knees. I'll change it. I'll bring the Sudoku. He's like, such heaven. Sam, you've had the nightmare, yeah? Doing the old house phone to house phone thing

where you can call yourself free. Dad, I'm downstairs. He's got a cup on his thing. You're not going to believe this. He's watching the telly. It's in me pubes, Dan. Dad, I can't find, I can't figure out how to pause Peppa Pig, but I'm covered in poo.

Can you come down and sort me out? Oh, no. I need to see how this one ends. I've asked my mum. She said this is more of a father-son thing. Can you come and wipe shit off my dick? I had to get my dad to come and pick me up. He asked me, why did you miss your last date?

I was like, the gig, I was on last. I couldn't have told my dad that. Why are you being fucking proud of your bum? He wouldn't have been if I didn't get shit on my dick. Don't tell him the shippy. There's always a risk of poo when you go in someone's arsehole. I know, but I obviously didn't have much experience bumming people, do you know what I mean?

Bumming someone's not a weekly thing, is it? I know, but even if you've never done it before, you have a sense that it could happen. Yeah, but don't ask me to do it if you haven't at least been for a shit that day. At least like... Classic Norwegians. Ain't it? Fuck them. I'm glad they never qualify for the Euros. at least like classic Norwegians fuck them fuck Norway

I'm glad they never qualified for the Euro no no no no no no red line we're done with what the whole podcast

this is the last one I hope you've enjoyed it it's been a good three years nearly four ladies and gentlemen that's the end of this week's episode I'm on tour adamro.co.uk

Manchester Apollo show is fast approaching. There's also updates all over the UK with some big announcements coming on Monday. So keep an eye out on socials. Dan's not on tour. But he's really handsome and he's got a special coming out soon. Finn will give us a song in a minute.

Danny, you can find all over social media, Twitter or X and Instagram. And the What's Happening podcast is genuinely really funny and you should go and check it out. I love doing it, mate. It was really fun. I think I may as well say

as well, tickets for the show at the Playhouse are on sale as we speak on the Playhouse box office website September the 11th, 2024.

The link will be in the episode description. Thank you. Yes. Which cunt's singing this week? We've got... We've got Britney Spears, mate. Don't fuck me, I'm a kid.

This is a Patreon called Liam'm a kid this is a patron called Liam Mundy and this is his debut single My Time okay sounds shit sounds good sounds like an X-Factor

I want a pint I love a bit of cunnilingus see you everyone love you bye But through my window, honey I see the man without a sound When the heat comes running Grab the gun and shield the town Don't leave me in an idea

That everything will be the same My thoughts and eyes are clear I have a hunch it's about to change Maybe take some time To find your mind It's one hell of a road To get back home But it goes to waste Cause I need someone

Who answers to the rain It's almost midnight and I Have been caught up in a lie But it's my time Oh baby, it's my time I've just spent all my money In the shady part of town Mr. Fox looks cut in

Mrs. Ball is in a gown Don't leave me in an idea That everything will be the same My thoughts and eyes are clear I have a hunch it's about to change But maybe take some time To find your mind It's one hell of a road to get back home.

But it goes to waste. Cause I need someone who answers to the rain. It's almost midnight and I Have been caught up in a lullaby But it's my time Oh baby, it's my time Cause I need somebody who won't let go It's a feeling that scuffles through the sticks and stones

It's a real tough mother like no one stands show Cause I need somebody who won't let go It's a feeling that scuffles through the sticks and stones It's a real tough mother like no one stands show

But it goes It's yours. But it goes to waste. Cause I need someone who answers to the rain. It's almost midnight and I have been caught up in a lot of fight, but it's my time. Baby, it's my time. you