Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #256 with Akaash Singh - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastAkaash Singhhttps://twitter.com/AkaashSinghhttps://instagram.com/AkaashSinghADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, lids? How are we? Before we go into this week's absolutely brilliant episode of Have A Word, I've got a few things to tell you about. First of all, as of 18th of January next year, I am back on tour all day to adamro.co.uk, including the M&S Bank Arena on Saturday the 18th of May. But the big stuff, if you've been a listener for a while, surely you already know about this.

We have got the biggest Patreon membership in the UK for a reason, starting at just three quid a month at patreon.com slash have a word pod. What do they get, Daniel? Well, they get an exclusive,

a Patreon exclusive every Wednesday, video and audio, which is just the lads, an hour, an hour and a half of unfiltered, unadulterated,

have a word bullshit. Early access to these public episodes and the pièce de résistance, the reason we're the biggest in the game, is their Patreon specials. Every single month you get a special.

So we've done two ghost hunts. We've done an uncountable amount of lock-ins. I mean, I could count it if I could be arsed, but I'm not going to do that right now. We've been to Nashville for the absolute three-part epic. We've been to Amsterdam. We've done a restaurant special. There's just so much.

There's like 25 Patreon specials. It's the reason we are the biggest Patreon in the UK. And there's a brand new one every single month. And the ones in 2024 that we've got planned are bigger than anything we've ever done before. Go and sign up now at patreon.com slash have a word pod. And even from just three quid a month, you get all of the content.

And there's more benefits if you sign up for five or 10 quid. See it on the other side. Enjoy the episode. We've already recorded it. And it was a fucking browser. Wag Wag Leeds, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool

with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomers. Go, Ed. Get on me. Hello.

Guess who's back? Rowie's back. Oh, you didn't miss an episode. We didn't go anywhere, baby. It was very impressive. Yeah. It's just very impressive. My commitment to this podcast is just, you know,

through the fucking brief. You'd have missed one. If you'd done that Vegas trip, you'd have missed one. Carl would have missed one. We'll use the word our. Thank you. What? We'll use the word our. Thank you. What? We'll use the word our commitment.

Thank you. I've missed about five episodes in three years. If that. You missed about five episodes when you went to Maldives for 16 weeks on your 90 grand holiday. I missed one. 90 grand without VAT.

And it was your shirt episode. Oh. That was good. So while she was in. Well, the other one I missed. I woke up with heartburn this morning. Same. Had a little nexium. Ever had little nexium ever had a nexium

I've nexium hashtag not an ad oh my god instantly working soothing what kind is it a liquid soothing

is it a little white hose pipes in your veins you've got a little fireman that window cleaners car what's a nexium

it's like a It's like a, it's like a Rennie on steds. Ooh. Where'd you get the, where'd you get, where'd you get Nexium? Because obviously Rennies are just for fucking,

the working folk. Where you get it? Nexium you get from boots. Oh. So it's for everyone. Superdrugs. It's for everyone. Superdrugs.

Pot, weed, crash. That's quite a scouse thing. That's put S on the end of, I wouldn't say superdrugs. I also, no, but your mum's quite a scouse thing. Not to put S on the end of... I wouldn't say super drugs. I also... No, but your mum would. Yeah.

Your mum definitely would. Some people say dick. She says dicks. What do you say for... Do you say... Do I do my head in more than people who say Tesco's? But it's a scouse-ism. Fucking do's and I.

Oh, it's so wool. Tesco's, why? Do you mean Tesco's? No, going Tesco would be worse than going Tes it's so wool. Tesco's, why? What do you mean? Tesco's. No, going Tesco would be worse than going Tesco's. I'm going to Tesco. Do you say the Asda? Yeah.

The Asda, because it's always you're going to your Asda. Oh, I say the Asda's. Oh, God. Because I go to two. You say the Asda because it's not normal to say I'm going to, and then a word that starts with a vowel. It's just the Asda. The Asda's your Asda. You'd say Aldi. Going to the Ald then a word that starts with a vowel. It's just the Asda. The Asda is your Asda.

You'd say Aldi. Going to the Aldi. Yeah, that one thing goes. Going to Aldi. And, you know, because hospital, like, it starts with an H, but in a Scouse it's hospital, innit? There's no H on it.

So you go in the hospital. You go in the hospital. Go to the Aussie. Go to the Aussie, yeah. Yeah, go in the Aussie. Let's get me back fixed. And we've not even got into home and bargain, which you've refused to accept. Go the Aussie. Go the Aussie, yeah. Yeah, go on the Aussie. Let's get me back fixed. What's wrong with you? And we've not even got into Home and Bargain,

which you've refused to accept. That's what it used to be called. Yeah, but you don't call... That's Home and Bargain, though. No, it's Home and Bargain, but you wouldn't say the Home and Bargain or you'd get shot. Someone would shoot you on the spot.

Go on the Home and Bargain. You'd have plastic busy in the window, mate. Gone. Do you reckon he gets royalties? The model? Yeah. Well, his kid is in the bin, isn't he? not plastic busy in the window, mate. Gone. Do you reckon he gets royalties? The model? Yeah. Well, his career's in the bin, isn't it? He can't ever, like, act.

Because that's what... He's probably an actor. He was just like, what, you want me to be the sticker busy for Oman Bar and do you? No problem, mate. Take me picture. That was 50 years ago.

He can't do any other... He can't do serious acting. I'm not saying that. He can't pop up as, like, the bad guy in Emmerdale. Everyone would be like, fuck off, lad. You're the busy from Oman Bargain's window.

You think the director will go, cut, cut, cut. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Get casting back in here. Do I recognise you? Have you been in anything? Can you explain what the sticker business is? Because I went to Holman Bargain. So for all our international listeners and people who...

Is this a nationwide thing, Holman Bargain? Or is it a northern thing? No, it's nationwide. It's the one in London? Yeah, there's the big... There's one on Oxford Street. The flagship Home and Bargain. It's six floors.

It's six floors. It's not as big as that one on the M6. Do you mean? Can't wait for that to open. That's going to be a hell of a day out. So there's a shop called Home Bargains, but in Liverpool, people have refused to call it that

because the original name for it was Home and Bargain. And it started around here? I believe so. And there's a sticker in the window of a security guard policeman. Life-size sticker of a mixed race security guard. Not sure that was necessary

but go on. I just want all the information. He's got big eyes and a lovely mouth. And Adam's kissed him. But that's their security. They don't have security guards. They just have a sticker of a security guard in the window. And that's their deterrent. But it works.

Because if you're really high on smack, oh, God, he's there. He never moves. And he moves with the automatic doors, doesn't he? Oh, fucking crab five-hole. Yeah, but I'm just, I'm worried about the career of the model who took that photograph.

Because he can't be, you know, he can't be in the next Scorsese film, him. No. No. It'd be a weird career trajectory, wouldn't it? Oh, my bargain's fucking window cop. It's got to be a lab Bible post.'t it home and bargains window cop it's gotta be a lab bible post

where's the guy from home and bargain now here he is and he's just like in home and bargain on the tomb that'd be sad

wouldn't it in his mansion he's in every shot window imagine the money you have to get paid for that Finn's googling it

not on a laptop there's an article there's an article in the echo that says they were tracking him down one minute they tried to set out

the identity okay I don't think they can't read they couldn't find him it's very difficult to do on air he's on the run

yeah no the trail's gone cold oh shit he's the Steve Finnan of the Home and Bargain Modeling World who?

Steve Finnan exactly mate you forgot him again Modlin World. Who? Steve Finnan. Exactly, mate. You forgot him again? He's the league winner that disappeared. I never had to find him again. Do you know where Steve Finnan is? Have you seen Steve Finnan since 2000? Is he a right back?

He was the best right back in the history of the noughties. He was a really great player. He was the best right back for Liverpool that year on that side. But like, the Echoes journalist... He had a good month.

The Echoes journalist did a a good month the Echoes journalist did a deep dive into where's Steve Finning gone because no one's heard of him like since he retired so he wants to be left alone and he doesn't want people

doing deep dives but some cunt thought yeah I'm not having that he just lives on a farm in Ireland and was just like I'm here that was the whole piece it was like we've done

we've searched high and low for Steve Finning and he was in his house Steve we've got some questions yeah come in donnan and he was in his house. Steve! We've got some questions! Yeah, come in. Don't worry about it. Just close the gate behind you.

There's a conspiracy about my man. This is some sort of conspiracy reading in. Steve Finnan? No, the Home Bargains man. No, he's still just on a farm having a nice time. He left the fuck alone. So they emailed Home Bargains going,

can you find this man for us? Home Bargains said, absolutely, leave it with us and we'll get back to you asap and then within minutes they went actually home bargains can't help you with this uh don't don't get in touch maybe he's like the owner i'll tell you what we had a little meeting before we started recording today patreon specials oh finding the home and bargains busy in Monte Carlo. Let's start in Monte Carlo.

Let's start in the south of France. I just got an instinct that that's where we should start. We'll probably end up in altering a book. He's probably a big rugby fan. We need to do our Deadpool soon. Yeah, next Patreon episode. We need to do our news...

Where's the screech? we need to do our news where's the screech we need to do our dead can we do our new resolutions now on a public rather than a patron have you got any i've only got one this year two three go on i think you always have three have you got any i've got the same one that I had last year. Why? Well, I think last year I was about 14 stone two, and I was like, I want to get down to 12 and a half. And now I'm about 13 stone seven,

and I want to get down to 12 and a half. It's not bad, though. It's all progress. Yeah. I just need... Also, I'd like to sleep through the night and not wake up with weird middle-of-the-night terrors. What? Don't you want to die? I don't know what's happened there. Terrorism? What? Yeah, I wake like to sleep through the night and not wake up with weird middle-of-the-night terrors. What? Don't you want to die?

I don't know what's happened there. Terrorism? What? Yeah, I wake up in the night and I do terrorism. Have you ever done that? Have you never just woken up in the middle of the night and you're like, I need a piss. Why am I hijacking a plane? It keeps happening to me.

That's night terrorism. I don't know if you've ever heard of it. Why is it night terrorism? Is that drug withdrawal? What? That might be drug withdrawal, mightn't it at Nightheaders? Is that drug withdrawal? What? That might be drug withdrawal, mightn't it? Well, the thing is with drug withdrawal... What?

Drug withdrawal. That doesn't tend to happen if you're still occasionally doing drugs. You know what I mean? Like, that's the thing with drug withdrawal. You've got to withdraw from drugs. We got an email this morning that I see saying, did you do your news resolutions?

I don't know whether he listed what ours were last year. My mum must be a streamer and I do want to do it. I just need three more days in my week. If anyone can do that for me, I'll do it. Did you start a band? I did. You did? How's that going?

Good. First gig of the day. You were at the other one. So Finn's objectively smashed it. Yeah. Like honestly, you started a band and I've seen the band

and it's dead good. Was mine streaming? Yours was star streaming and ice skating. You've had a bad year, mate. No, you didn't. You started twitching, didn't you? I did start streaming,

but then I realised you need to have a schedule and stuff, and I haven't got enough hours in the day of my week. You have, though? I haven't. You have. I promise I'll do it, but I need to be less busy here.

Maybe we need to just keep hiring more people. Do you know how offensive it is to all of our listeners who work like 90 hours a week? You work three days a week, and you're like, I just can't find a job. I work five days a week. Talk for yourself.

I'm here five days a week. You're not. I'm not, no. I'm busy on the road changing the game, Carl. What game? What are you doing tonight, Adam? I'm on the road again changing the game. That's what I call it. Don't even call it gigging anymore. A lot of other comedians hate me, but don't worry about that. I don't work 90-hour weeks.

Also, I don't know why I do this. I don't drive to my own gigs anymore. Jack, onward. Pay some point, bitch. Oh, God. I used to have the band. Dan, yours was just to lose weight, get down to 12 and a half stone.

Yeah, I've failed. So you're going in the right direction now. Would we be able to guess yours Yeah, I've failed. So you're going in the right direction now. I am. I'm a little less heavy. Would we be able to guess yours? Was it easy to guess? So I've got three, and I've done a quarter of one. A book.

And I've completed one of them, and the other one, I actually did about, in total, a quarter of the third one as well. So I've had a good crack. Tell them what. One of them was read four books.

It was ridiculous. And I reckon I've read about a quarter of four books. Oh. That is so insane. Four different books. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah, yeah. Just read one book.

Yeah, but I get bored, and writers aren't very good at writing. Yeah, it's their fault. I'd be well better. It's their fault. Maybe next year should be to write four books. I think we'll get to that in a minute. I think that already has been one of your ones that you've done.

Start a second podcast. I did that. Not of my own volition, but someone paid me to do it. You cannot argue that you've done that. Yeah, so there you go. And film at least eight comedy sketches. I filmed two.

One and a half. I filmed two. Yeah, we filmed two. I filmed two. I was there for one of them, and I wasn't there for the other one. There's Dennis. Not the ones you're thinking about. Yeah, you filmed two? I filmed two. I was there for one of them, and I wasn't there for the other one. There's Dennis. Not the ones you're thinking about.

Yeah, not that one, Stan. Oh, not the ones for the podcast that all went in the bin. Four? No, there we go. So I've done four, actually. So I've done half of that one. No, I think you've done two.

Okay. Well done. You know, I failed, and I promise I'll be better next year. My one for next year, I'll think of in the next five minutes. Are we going to take a little time to decide?

I mean, mine's more pussy. I don't need... Does Laura know about this? More of the same pussy. What? Oh, yeah. I'm not going to do that one then. Why?

Not up to you either, is it? Not up to you. What? What about to get more bum play? You like a bit of bum play, don't you? Can't you get yourself I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don dog play. I don't want to do that one. Can you think of any resolutions you've already thought of?

I want to get in genuinely the best shape I've ever been in. And I don't think I'm actually that far away from doing that anyway. Okay. I think I'm probably like a stone and a half away from that. And I'm going to have to do that because I've got to run the Paris Marathon. You all don't believe I'm going to do that, do you? No, no, you no no i believe a bit more than you because you did 10 kilometers on a treadmill yeah and i honestly i don't i was surprised and that's good so that's a great start i want to be the first person ever to run the paris marathon who stops

for the guinness halfway through what i'd like to do is get about halfway through and have you waiting with a pint of Guinness for me. And I have a little go with that and then I carry on. I'm a hundred percent in. I don't think you just be right. So you know like the women, women, you know like the people who have like a bottle of water and you sort of run past,

do you just want all every other member of the Havre team to be every like 2.8 miles, just another pint of Guinness? No, I don't think I can complete a marathon if I have 11 pints of Guinness. I don't think you're considering all your fucking options there. I think one pint of Guinness

halfway through is funny and impressive. And that's all I live on. Impressing people and making them laugh. Changing the game. Drive on. Yeah, I think you could do it.

I think, don't put yourself down. 11 pints shit faced have a shower straight in the club so you've got two this year not three

what? you've only got two this year oh the other one is to have every decision I make be in the pursuit of happiness we already do that what other decisions do you make? I think sometimes, you know, I go, oh, I'll have a Mackey's.

And then afterwards I feel sad. Yeah, but while you're eating it, it feels good. No, not really. Research utilitarianism and then you'll be fine. No, I can't be house reading. Otherwise I'd have read more books. What's utilitarianism got to do with Maccies? What he's just said about finding happiness.

Jeremy Bentham. Well. Everything's in the pursuit of happiness and in the avoidance of pain. Yeah, I think a lot of the decisions I make are for convenience. It's just that I'll just do that because it's convenient. I need a bit of delayed gratification, I think. I think that'll help with getting in the best shape of my life.

Well, you are doing that already to a certain extent, aren't you? A little bit. You've been doing, you've been healthy, you've been gymming in. I've been keeping a lid on, since my tour started, I've been having, you know, 15, 20 Guinness a week. You have been boozing a lot more than you were in the summer. You were very disciplined in the summer. But I haven't put any weight back on.

Like, I've managed to do that and stay where I got to, which is phenomenal work, if i do say so myself yeah wait till you run a marathon i think i think uh i'm gonna do am i gonna commit to this i think i'm gonna do dry january and february and then the next pint i'll have after new year i think well i'm actually gonna drink on the second so from the third of january onwards and your birthday no i think i'll just i'll just not have a drink on my birthday. My birthday? No, I'll just not have a drink on your birthday.

Meatloaf's birthday? Yeah, I mean, come on, it's Meatloaf's birthday. That's where they do Meatloaf. Yeah. I think the next pint I'll have after the 2nd of January will be after the Empire on the 9th of March, and that's about a month before the marathon, so that'll give me a month to get over the Angoba.

Are you really going to go and do this marathon? I am going to be at the starting line of the Palace Marathon. Have you applied for it? Yeah, he's paid for it. Oh, it's all paid for.

Yeah. I've got my number. What is it? Number one. First to apply. Phenomenal. I'm the bookie's favourite. It's my bookies.

It's a winner. The other resolution is to start a bookies. That's going well. Dan, is yours just lose weight still? Must have another one. Come on. How's the cold plunge going? Give yourself-

Fucking amazing. Give yourself a time. Why have I mentioned that? Give yourself a time. Is this my new Japanese toilet? It's your golf, yeah. Oh, the ice bath. I don't know if I ever want to get up to 10, 15 minutes.

I just don't. I've done a little reading, and I think you get a lot of benefits of the cold plunge in less than five minutes. And I don't want to give myself fucking pneumonia. So I got four minutes the other day. Feel amazing. Love it.

But I'm already doing that. So what would the New Year's resolution be? Just to keep doing it. Which I suppose is a good thing. Do it every five days a week until the end of the year. My New Year's resolution is to live my life. To enunciate. Is to live my life a little bit.

I'm not going to do the pursuit of happiness because that sounds quegy. I'm going to say... Homophobia, mate. I'm going to try and make this year come in about experiences and not worry about money and not worry about what i'm meant to be doing in the industry or or the pressure of all that stuff i want to enjoy time with my friends you guys and my children and actually a lot of this year just gone a lot of

last year and a half i've always been going to something big there's tour there's previews there's loads of stuff going on and then when i'm at home I'm tired and I'm having to do as much as I can with the kids or with Laura or I've been just off my mates and my family and I've spent loads of time with you guys and I've done loads of gigs I want this year to get to the end of it and go god I've really used this year I've lived it and experienced it life be free and so more good quality time with my family and my mates with you guys genuinely i like we hang out so much we do so much fun stuff because we've made it part of our working life but i haven't seen loads of my other mates i've got i've got antonio rummy from the ccc but again we hang out because we're doing a gig together second Saturday of every month

in Chester. But my other mates have just sort of binned off for a bit and my sister and her kids. And so I want to get to the end of the year and go,

fuck, I really... And then also more ass play. Is that fair? Nice, not together though. What, with my sister and... Yeah, no. The quality time with family and friends.

Yeah, like even if it's just quality time with like this is a bit mad even if it's a bit of quality time with myself instead of and i know that sounds like wanking yeah okay do you know in hamilton when we went to hamilton you're gonna go and see hamilton again i'm just gonna go and see hamilton on my own and then wank um i got to manchester early i went to i went for lunch with my mate katie mulgrew and then i had about three hours before everyone turned up and i just had a pot around manchester did a little bit of shopping went and had a pint of is it mulligans and i still haven't had the guinness in there yet i love just hanging out i love doing that having a little potter and it's because it's what i used to do as

a comic on the circuit you used to go oh i'm in so-and-so town and have a little bit of time on your own and i fucking genuinely i think i want to do a bit more of that just go and have a day out i don't need anyone to do it with i just want to use matter there's my news resolution when you use my time better i want to have better quality time instead of just sitting at home watching TV or just hanging out with the kids just at home doing nothing. Stop going to bed at eight o'clock then. What? Stop going to bed at eight o'clock.

You should sleep more. What do you mean? Go to the park at like 10 o'clock. That's a great option. I can't refute any of that. I'll go to the park at 10 o'clock, like a nighttime paedophile. You got anything you want to do, Finn?

I want to just be generally healthier. I'm an absolute fucking mess in terms of my diet, my sleeping, everything. I've stopped exercising. I just need to be healthier. I would like to get my sleep pattern a bit better. I started doing quite well with that when I was sort of dropping the weight

and not drinking and stuff. I was relatively good at going to bed at a decent time and getting up at a decent time and getting a decent amount of sleep. The past few months, I'm sort of most days surviving on between sort of four and six hours sleep. And it is difficult.

And any like- Is that caffeine that's fucking you up? Because you're relying on it in the day and then it's messing your sleep. No, do you know what it genuinely is? It's when you're on tour in the way I'm doing it or when I'm at home, I'm gigging till late at night

and then afterwards I'm a bit wired. So it's quite easy to go and have two or three pints, but then we've got to be in here at 10 o'clock. So I'm sometimes not getting to bed until two, three o'clock. And then I've got to be up at nine to get here for 10. So there's no time to sleep properly and i don't sleep perfectly anyway so even if i if i get in bed 10 hours before i've got to get up i probably have seven hours sleep because i'm awake and like struggling to get back to sleep at times and stuff as well i don't know what the option there is we've got a day job here and you've got a night job there i think i just

need to make genuinely if I'm making better decisions and going, I won't have a pint tonight, I'll just go to bed. It's easier. Like in the summer, in August and September, I was a lot better at it. Like a lot better at it. I'll never be perfect.

I'll never be someone who's like, well- There's a balance though, isn't there? Do you not think? Oh, I don't know. Just saying you're not going to do it. I feel like you're always going to enjoy your booze. No, no, no, but I don't need to have great sleep every night. I need to have better sleep.

I don't want to be a perfect sleeper. I'm trying to be more realistic with my goals this year, make them achievable. Four books. Who do I think I am? William Shakespeare's nan. A famous reader. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's the proof we don't know stuff. Famous reader. I'm going to do one thing a month that scares me. What? One thing a month that scares me. No, you, yeah. She's the proofreader. I'm going to do one thing a month that scares me. What? One thing a month that scares me. No, you're not. What's January's? That's not what New Year's resolutions are, Adam.

You're not going to do any fucking yours either. I am not. What's the difference? You're not going to do yours. What were your three? For this year? Yeah. There's only two.

Two. Get in the best shape of your life. Not going to happen. It's just the same as what you've just done to me. You can't get annoyed. Yours is not achievable, though, because you're full of shit. I always get stuff done.

Someone make a montage. He looked dead annoyed. He was like, you know what? I'm not fucking having this. You're full of shit, but I'm not. How dare you? So, what's January's? I'm going to do an aside.

I did it for the joke. We'll run with it. January's, I don't know. You've got to keep going now. I don't know, what am I scared of? The sea. I'm not doing the sea. No, I'll get in the sea.

That was a joke again. I'll get in the sea in January. Which sea? The Aegean. in January which sea the Aegean the Black Sea the Aegean Sea the North come on let's keep it local

get in the North Sea I'll get in the North Sea in January why did I not just go Irish Sea because it's there we'll keep it local the Indian Ocean

I'll just do things that scare me once a month because comfort nothing grows in the comfort zone as they say right why are you so unhealthy you're a fucking I'll just do things that scare me once a month. Because nothing grows in the comfort zone, as they say. Right.

Why are you so unhealthy? You're a fucking vegetarian. He doesn't like vegetables. I thought you were talking to Carl. He's just eating mac and cheese. He's just eating beige shit all the time. Oh, well, welcome to my fucking world. You're an enabler. If I was vegetarian, I would put so much weight on.

Because I'd just be eating chips all the time. Yeah. I'm ill all the time I've noticed that since being veggie I'm ill all the fucking time can one of you only use resolutions to stop being a big space idiot

and just have some meat again I had a dream last night that you had meat again how mad's that oh my god yeah I'd love that what

I had a dream last night that Finn had a steak and he and he was like I've decided I'm flexitarian now. We are going to a steakhouse today, so you could start now. I'm not. Let's have some ribs tonight, Finn.

Finn's not coming. Are you not coming? He's going to the match. Can I do that? Do you mean? Yeah, you can. I mean, it would look pretty shit because it's your company and it's our staff meal out.

I want to go to the match. Finn already had tickets with his brother. because it's your company and it's our staff meal out. I want to go to match. I'm taking that on a pair for tonight. I've got a pair. Finn already had tickets with his brother. I already had tickets with my brother. All right. I tell Rob Thomas I want them tickets now. Shame, though.

Enjoy hickories, though. We're all going to have to get in some sort of shape for India. I'm worried about that. I've bought my bike. Am I meant to be buying a bike? No, no. I mean, if you're going to do 450 kilometers in India in about eight days,

I reckon you might want to get on a bike at some point in the next 12 months. Practice, isn't it? Do you know how to ride the bike, Finn? Can't have stabilizers in India. I've never seen you ride a bike. Oh. I've never seen you ride a bike.

I can sure do it. I can sure do it I can sure do it Sir I don't believe you I do I do I do like the bikes Finn you're giving off bad vibes of someone

who's never ridden a bike Yeah I can Oh my god he can't ride the bike Oh no Finn When was the time you rode a bike? Oh he can't ride bikes 2007 was the time you rode a bike? Oh, we can't ride bikes.

2007. Why have you not told us this? The last time you rode a bike was 2007. I think so, roughly around there. What? How old are you? 25. So you were nine?

Yeah. You're dead in India. You're the Tigers again. You've not ridden a bike as an adult and you've signed up to cycle across Asia. He's not really signed up. We told him he was going. There's more of that.

Yeah, but you've just got to do things in the spur of the moment, haven't you? A year out. A year away. Yeah. As the thing said, I can ride the bike for like five years. I used to always say that

because I'd never seen it. And then she can't though. It's a very suspicious stance to take, isn't it? We could go bike riding. You can't ride a bike, you fucking liar. Can you swim? Yeah, pretty well. I've never seen you do it.

I mean, you have. I haven't. You're in the sea just bobbing. Can you pop a wheelie? Oh, that's true. Can what? Can you pop a wheelie? I think we've all seen the arena video

where I was doing a pretty good job. Yeah, so I went to Ellesm port not elsmere port where did i go oh i went to bebington on the whirrell and bought a uh a really nice bicycle of a man from ebay um which i think it seems like a fucking great bike for 250 quid have you ridden it yet um it's got the old uh noncy clippy racer things. Oh, you need the shoes. And I've got the shoes from Amazon, but they don't fit in the thing. I've got to sort it out.

Do we need mountain bikes or road bikes? BMX. BMX. Why are you laughing at me? Get a chopper. Oh, what would the other ones called? Penny Farthings. Motorbikes.

Motorbikes. Yeah, you get a motorbike. If I ever see you ride a penny farthing it's all done the world we need we need road bikes don't we even though we're not really riding the road because the indian roads clearly aren't as good as what you think they are excuse me it's more off-road in it to be honest no i think it's roads have you seen the videos is it bad it's not roads it's more like paths so So we need mountain bikes? By the looks of it, yeah.

Have you bought a mountain bike? No, I bought a road bike. Don't get me wrong. I think once we get to India, if I've done training on a road bike, I'm not going to get on a mountain bike going, I don't even know how these work. What is this?

It's the same thing. It's all the same. They're all bikes, yeah. I mean, the main thing is I've got some baboon bottoms so my arsehole will be protected padded thick

padded and also I don't know I'm out there I'm a good looking guy maybe some of the local guys are like hey so I'm fine

I'm very relaxed about India I think if I do the Paris Marathon India it'll be a walk in the park or a ride in the park. A 450 kilometre. Also, cycling's easier than running, isn't it?

Yeah. Don't worry about it, then. I'm not that worried. Also, it's not funny if we're all like fucking Lance Armstrong by the time we get there. Alright, well, I'll be that guy. I'm worried about pooing my pants in a tiger park.

But, you know, it's fine. Great footage, though. alright well I'll be that guy I'm worried about pooing my pants in a tiger park oh but you know it's fine great footage though a load of my guys mates are like lads shut up you'll be fine

I'm always going India I'm a 10 day fucking charity bike ride idiot I'm excited for next year think it's gonna be

a great year got some really good stuff booked we've got New York booked in May I've got Nashville booked in June. New York, the Big Apple. We're going.

The Big Apple! Just giving us a nice clean break in case you have to go to another. All right, yeah, yeah. Let's have a break, guys. Break time. Wow! Come on.

What have you got, Finn? We've got some questions. Oh, we've got a question and then some advice. What have we got? Yeah, sorry. Yeah, my bad. By the way, we went to watch the Liverpool Man United game in Vegas in the official Liverpool Supporters Club.

And you know how most British NFL fans... Is it branded as that? Or is it just a... Oh, yeah. They are the picture outside the game and a little draw. Is it like Jürgen's on the docks? It's McMullen's Irish pub. But very Liverpool-y.

No, American Liverpool. I had the time of my life. Oh, yeah. They've had their balloons done. That looks good. Do you know the way how... You know Finn Taylor's bit about when he was on the NFL show

and he was talking about British NFL fans and now they're all fat, sweaty, horrible losers who don't know what they're talking about? Nice. American soccer fans are British NFL fans. Worse. Right. They're just the same.

Hey, man, you got Ved Dutch, Senator Beck, Gravel Birch, Mo Salah. Mo Salah. One nil to the Liverpool. The thing is, they don't actually say the names wrong Carl's just made that bit up hey suck my ass hey Randy what's the score

it's 1-0 to Liverpool no it's not Costa suck my ass I said what did I say I went more like Amra ass Amra butt and he was British as well.

Yeah. He was a Cockney who lived in Leeds, supporting Man United very vocally. And I said to Carl, if we score here, I'm going to ruin this cunt's week. And he was stood right next to me and behind me. And he was going, are you scouse cunts? He's like trying to cause trouble.

And I was like, I'm going to celebrate. Like, I've never celebrated. He was going, are you scouse cunts? And I go, I could have on his shoulder. And he was like, I'm going to celebrate. Like I've never celebrated. He was going, ice coach. I could have on his shoulder. And he was like, I'm going to look at you. He's Afghan. Oh, I wants to punch this fucking stupid fat concern. Cody Gagpo on the wing.

Gold kick. But they, it's so like bad hair and like proper Americans. Try and talk about footy. It's so like, oh, shut up. The only man in United getting Liverpool, Casemiro. Easy.

The only man. Casemiro, if we do a combined 11, if I did my combined 11 right now, I'm putting Casemiro in and the rest are all reds. They're all red. Liverpool reds,

not Man United reds. Maybe Bruno Fernandez. Bruno Fernandez maybe get in, but you know, he sucks on the bench maybe. Oh, I honestly could have just

literally I could have petrol bombed every single one of their houses so you've got the most irritated Americans ever

all around you and then just fuck you you'd get clapped you suck that was just me quietly and that was so funny

when Carl went more like Amra ass and the cockney oh, more like Amra ass. And the cockney man went, what you call him? Amra ass. It was funny that, a lot of that.

Oh, that's how you kill yourself, you big fat bellend. Yeah, he was getting him cunned. Why was he stood so close to you? Was he just busy? He just decided

that was where he wanted to sit. Also, Liverpool had the score in that game. There's Patre patrons in there as well that didn't even say hello like they spoke

to us patrons had a chat with us we got recognised about seven times in Vegas by the way only afterwards

did we know there were patrons which was mad one of them was a Canadian lab wearing an Everton top that's not even a joke yeah

it was mad getting recognised in Las Vegas is probably the most mind-bending the only one that's not even a joke yeah it was mad it was great getting recognised in Las Vegas is probably the most mind-bending the only one that's been more white

was when I was in a dive bar in Brooklyn with like three other people with Jack Finnegan and some fella came up to me and was like

seen you on flagrons and are you garbage you're Adam Rowe aren't you and I was like yeah and he's from New York

that was the maddest one someone got a picture with us in the UFC like came up to our seat and got a picture with us

I was like you know Jason Amo Jason and Moe, was that me? Was there a lot of scousers over for Paddy? There was a few. Not like... It's not like Ricky Hatton back in the day or Conor McGregor. No. You'd have found him if he looked hard enough, but... It's probably a couple of hundreds.

Yeah, a few hundreds. Is he not quite there in terms of, like, he's not the headliner? No, but he is over here. It's just, it's Vegas at Christmas, isn't it? You can afford that, really. He's fighting Tony Ferguson, who's an American. He's very impressive, though, Paddy. Yeah, he was very good.

He's matured a lot. Yeah, he came across really well in all the clubs. He had a very good week. Even Ariel Helwani, who he had beef with, at the start of the year, was like, he's done really well this week. Like, I'm happy for him. All right, great. He's one of our own. He's done really well this week. I'm happy for him. Great. He's one of our own.

He's one of our own. Phil, have you got some fucking prep? Question. Oh, slow. This first one's from Sammy J. Wag wag lids. Got a bit of a random question for you. You had to be a zoo animal for a week and then when you turn back

you have to have the animal as a roommate for the rest of your life, what would it be? Personally think a flamingo would be an interesting pick. Can you ask that again? I wasn't really listening. I was doing what Adam did. If you had to be a zoo animal for a week... Sorry, one sec. Matthew, could you grab us a bottle of water? Is that alright? Go on. If you had to be a zoo animal for a week

and then when you turn back, you have to turn... Oh, let's start that again. If you had to be a zoo animal for a week and then when you turn back, you have to turn... Let's start that again. If you had to be a zoo animal for a week and then when you turn back, you have to have the animal as a roommate for the rest of your life, what would it be? Chimp. Yeah.

Chimpanzee. Michael! It's my roommate. He's a chimpanzee. When it comes for a sleepover. Chimpanzee. Thank you, Matthew. Yeah, I'd go devil chimpanzee

because I like chimpanzees. I'd love to be one for a bit. And then when your roommate's like, oh, it's a dangerous animal. But I've been a chimpanzee. I know the ways of their world. I can be like, don't be like that. I'm a chimp as well.

I'll be like, oh, I have poor friends. Oh, he speaks on. Oh, he speaks English. No, it's me saying it to him. Oh, you're speaking his language then. Code switching.

He's using a chimpanzee as a remote. Put friends on. Chimp's like, why don't you just do it? The remote's there. Hang on, can chimpanzees just pull your head off though? Oh no,

because. Wipe it off. I don't want to fuck a chimpanzee then. Pull the head off. You don't have to fuck every roommate. No, it's true. Roommate? Yeah, that's what the question was.

Yeah. You have to share a room. Yeah, you're in college. All right, cool. So you get a girl back. Yeah, I tell you what, babe. It's going to be a great night. She's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you mind if I stay over? And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, come back. One thing I do have to tell you what hey it's gonna be a great night she's like yeah yeah do you mind if i stay over and you're like yeah yeah come back one thing i do have to tell you you're gonna get double teamed by me and a chimpanzee i do have a chimpanzee roommate man i'd be dolphin because it'd be dead dead quick in my house be dolphin i'd be a dolphin be dead because you can't live in my house oh so you've got to accommodate it no you've got to put it in for the rest of your life okay i'll put it in what i think it can live in stop trying to get out of the car answer the fucking question in the bath then you've got to live in the bathroom it's got to be your roommate i don't think you know what

roommate means i know that you know it doesn't mean you live in the same room. What the fuck zoo's got a dolphin in? It does in this scenario. Okay, then I'll go with... Tyrannosaurus Rex. Yeah, because I go to some mad zoos, me. Dolphins and fucking dinosaurs. How? Meerkat. That's a good one.

You can see over fences, isn't there? You'd look fucking gim for a week though, wouldn't you? Oh, I'm a meerkat. You can see over... You can't sell people car insurance, can you? I've never seen that, yeah. Oh, I'm a meerkat. You can see over fences, can't you? You'd look fucking gim for a week, though, wouldn't you? Oh, I'm a meerkat. You can see over... You can't sell people car insurance, can you? I've never seen that, yeah. I'm a meerkat. You can see over fences?

Yeah, they're good at looking over things, aren't they? No. They just stand up a bit and look. There's no fences involved. They're fucking... Meerkats all do look like Scouse Mars in the front garden listening for beef in another house. Julie's over there.

She's kicking her fella out again. Nah, they'll be back together next week. Meerkats, they just love that, aren't they? together next week. Me and Kat have just loved Artie. They're little scoundrels as well. They look scared. They look like... Nah, they're just ready. And you could teach them the Lion King song,

and you could be Timon and Pumba. You could be Pumba. He'd be Timon. Or he'd be a spider. I can see what's happening. And they don't have a clue. They'll fall in love and here's the bottom line.

Our trio's down the door. The sweet caress of twilight. There's magic everywhere. Are they French? And with all this romantic atmosphere. And you're about to send a bingo card.

Disasters in the air. Go for it. I've never seen this film. That is a very good rendition of... That's a very good Simone. Are they Jewish and French? No, he does voices. It's Thingy Lane.

I can see what's happening. It's Thingy... What is he called? Thingy Lane. Tony. I know what you mean. The guy with glasses. She was Simone.

Thanks to be a babysitter. Penny. What the fuck? Not hers. It's very good, Adam. Can you feel the love? I'd be a spider. Nathan Lane.

Nathan Lane. All right. Can we see what's happening? Right, okay. I don't have a clue. Next. Dan hasn't picked one? All right, okay. Otter. Oh, he's Next. Dan hasn't picked one? All right, okay.

Otter. Always otter, mate. The absolute showman of the zoo when they can be asked. Do they need to have water? Someone with them. What do you mean? Otter's mate for life.

Yeah. They'll hold hands. They'll hold hands and rock. Nah, I'm a shagger of an otter. I'm out there single. I'm married in real life. I don't want to marry in otter life. Just get me around the fucking zoo. Just pounding otter pussy. What are you having in your want to marry an otter life just get me around the fucking zoo

just pounding otter pussy what are you having in your house to accommodate the otter what what kind of water it's the paddling pool I'm not allowed

to put my dolphin in the bath but you can put your otter in the paddling pool hang on the dolphin in the bath is so much worse than just having an otter

who's in a paddling pool and comes to the kitchen for a rinse for a rinse yeah exactly make having an otter who's in a paddling pool and comes to the kitchen for a wrist... Yeah, exactly. Make the fucking otters sound, mate. Love otters. There's no dolphins or zoos, Carl.

Do you know what loutrophobia is, Dan? You can make both of those in the trailer and it will look completely out of context and they were consecutive in the show. Leutrophobia is the fear of otters. Why would you fear otters? I mean, they will have your fingers off. I was going to fuck an otter in January

because she's doing one thing that scares me. I've got leutrophobia. What's the fear of fucking otters? Oh, leutrophobia. They're scared of otters, but they'll still fuck them. No. You said I'm going to fuck one because I'd be scared of it. I'm not scared of it.

Would you not be scared of fucking an otter? No. No, what? Fucking ruin it? Okay. Would you bum an otter then? No. What a ridiculous conversation.

Welcome to the show. Next one. What would you do? So mentally. I would go for a koala cool what's the next question no chlamydia yeah they've all got aids right monkeys this is from kamal toe uh there's a man in rwanda who's barricade himself for 55 years because he's afraid of women. If you had the same fear and had to make sure you never came in contact with a woman,

what would be your method? Start a podcast in the UK. Dress like Freddie Quinn. That was such a weird moment for Jade to walk in. Hiya, Jade, you all right? Dress like Freddie Quinn, probably. Just dressed like Freddie Quinn? Yeah.

That's a bit harsh. It is a bit harsh, but fuck him. He's a big fat mess, isn't he? That's harsh. Love you, Freddie. That was nice. But don't touch me.

Get also. So the idea is that I've got to repel women. Is that what I'm trying to do? No, you've got to avoid contact with them. Avoid contact with them. So it's just bro time. It's kind of repelling them, though, isn't it?

Yeah, I mean, it's quite hard when you've got the raw sexual magnetism like me. I was thinking that. If I was this man in Rwanda, there'd be women breaking down that barricade. They be like come on adam no fuck us make us all happy just loads of rwandan babes like a fucking lynx advert like the walking dead they're all just coming for me i mean i just can't so adam card do this i just can't do it it's just impossible isn't it it sounds so bad

this is like it you know at the end of a stag do you like that was class that's the end of it though isn't it like the lads lads lads thing it's really fun for about three four days and then you're like and that and then i'm done with it i want to go back to a normal life where there's you know women in it how would you repel women then How would you repel women, then? How would I repel women? Even more than yours, you do. Just keep being me. Get rid of them. I'd say wash less, but some women like a musky man.

They like a sweaty man. They like men who stink. Is this tactics to literally never see a woman, or is it just to repel them? No, you've got to avoid it. Close your eyes, then? Yeah, you can't see them again. Yeah. Because he's scared.

So if they were across the street, go, no, don't like it. They like saying something about religions, but it's probably too contentious. That could be my fear for January. Women. Just look at women. Oh.

Easy. Why is he scared of women? Is it just because he's heard what they're like? Sheen the teller. Yeah. Yeah. He's watched some TV. He's heard what they're like. He's seen the telly. He's watched some TV. He's heard what they're like.

He's a mentally ill Rwandanese. Has he watched Juicy? And he thought, fuck this. I'm staying in here. Keeping all my stuff. 55 years ago. He's got a time machine as well. He's gone all the way into the future.

He's like, no, there's still cunts. I'm going back and I'm boarding at my house. 55 years is some graft, isn't it? He's also lying, isn't he? He's definitely all the way into the future. He's like, no, there's still cunts. I'm going back and I'm boarding at my house. 55 years is some graft, isn't it? He's also lying, isn't he? He's defo seeing a woman. I mean, you just join a monastery. It's hard to come out to Rwanda. Just join a monastery

because this has been going on for thousands of years. Just you have to find Christ. Because monks are just scared of women. Do you think that's what it is? I think they're just like, mmm, fuck off. They can live a life without them, can't they? If you're in a pretty hard line.

They all want to fuck women though, don't they? What? They all want to fuck women. I think famously some people attached to the Catholic Church don't necessarily want to fuck women. Some of the priests want to fuck little boys. Oh yeah.

Should have just said that, shouldn't have? Oh, Catholic monks. Oh. What did you mean? United Reform monks. What monks did you mean? Green Party. Okay.

Paul's had a stroke. I'm a Green Party monk. I believe in God and recycling. I joined a monastery. I don't particularly like religion. It sounds dull as fuck,

but it would be effective. Yeah. I just think he's gay and he's literally put himself in the biggest closet of all time. I think that's what he's doing. I think he's gay, but it's hard to come out in Rwanda.

How old is he? He does protest too much. The last bit of that was very true. I bet it is not easy to come out in Rwanda. Has he ever seen a woman? Ever kissed a girl? He's never kissed a girl. He's got, it's called gynephobia.

Yeah, to scare the pussy. Yeah. If you just take the first word of that, and you take the accent off it, it's just gay, isn't it? Oh, so he's 71. He's 71. But he spent 55 years doing it.

16. So what happened when he was 16? He's 71, but he spent 55 years doing it. Yeah. Do the math, Finn. 16. 16, yeah. So what happened when he was 16? He went through puberty and realised he liked cock. And he couldn't tell anyone, so he was like, I'm staying in. Nah, I'm not coming out, lad.

Staying in ours. Nah, John, sorry, mate, I'm staying in. Because if I come out, I might fuck you. He doesn't know what the modern woman looks like either, so he might like them ones. He doesn't know the effect Kim Kardashian's had on the beauty aesthetic of the planet. Ruined. And now she's gone back again.

Seen her now. Everything's sucked out again. Sucked out? Yeah, her lips are gone. She's back to just being like a regular shape. But now they're going to make the new beauty standard ridiculously skinny. Another standard that's impossible for girls to achieve. That's not brand new, is it? No, it's not brand new. but now they're going to make the new beauty standard ridiculously skinny another standard that's impossible for girls well that's not that's not brand new is it no it's not brand new

it's not brand new no but it's gone it's just gone like it was like big asses and shit no it's not it's just another thing that girls are going to struggle to achieve the scum i hate them all not girls the kardashians kardashians are going super thin as in they're gonna the new beauty standard is going to be skinny which is also unhealthy for girls that was like early 2000s as well Britney Spears the dad bod has become the man thing hasn't it

like being like ripped is not all what everyone's after anymore some people like a little bit of podge because it's like oh he eats and he fucks do you know what I mean like women like a man who can do both that's what they mean by a man who can do both that's what they mean by getting a man

who can do both eat and fuck you know what I mean if you've got a bit of a dad bod that means you've had a lot of carbs and it means you can

go to fucking pussy town famously well people who are ripped you know they don't have much energy because they haven't had any fucking bread yeah

yeah yeah yeah it goes in cycles years ago fat people in pictures you wanted to be fat the Rubenesque yeah means you were wealthy

yeah and pale people it just comes in was that was the standard wasn't it because if you had a tan it meant you weren't outside yeah and in the time in the greek times i know greece is still there but like back in ancient greece when they were like having a tiny family yeah yeah what having a tiny cock in greece was ooh. Having a big one was seen as unruly and there's something wrong with you. Basically, Caesar had a maggot. Caesar? By the way, little cock's a boss, everyone.

Caesar had a maggot in Greek times. Yeah? Caesar had a fucking little, a tiny little bich, mate. There was a point in time. Are you doing that wrong on purpose? No. Right.

Caesar? Is she Michelangelo's dick? Caesar in Greek times. What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean? He's a fucking Roman emperor. Julius Caesar?

Yeah. What are you talking about? Are you talking about ancient Greece? I don't beware. It's Caesar's palace two days ago. Hello? Yeah, but he doesn't work there. He doesn't.

You know, in ancient Greece times, when, you know, Emperor Julius Caesar Had a small dick What? But he He's Greek innit? God with like

He smiled like he meant it And he didn't He's being naughty I didn't know Bollocks Anyway There's a point in time Where being pale

Good thing Being fat Good thing Having a little dick Basically if you're an albino with a little dick and you're 45 stone everyone wants you to jump on your dick

I was born in the wrong era fucking wrong era 45 stone I tell you what if I was a Roman emperor in Greek times I'd have been a time travelling king or emperor

why did that bug me Julius Caesar invented July didn't he cut what Time travelling king. Or emperor. Why did that bug me? Right. Julius Caesar invented July, didn't he? Cut. What? And the salad. Yeah.

Julian. July isn't... The Julian calendar after him. He didn't have July before. That's why. And Augustus. He had April named after him. Nice. The Gregorian calendar.

Like Sept. It's not right. Oct isn't right, is it? It's all moved up because of these maggots. Genuinely, Julie. Julie. July and August.

Oh, Sept should be seven. July. Oct should be... But they put July in and everything puts up. Sept is seven, isn't it? But it's actually the ninth month. Oct is eight.

I'm not lying. But it's actually the tenth month. Death is ten. But it's actually the twelfth month. Fuck, I never knew that. The Julian calmed down. Did you actually not know? No, I genuinely never knew that.

Yeah. So December was the 10th month until Julius Caesar and Augustus. We're like, ah, we want our own months, mate. Flex his own month. That's how heavy he is. You can just add the mum to the calendar

because I'm heavy with a little cup. Well, that's, you know. The Greeks were always up to shit like that. If you're smashing ancient Greece, you get to do shit like that. And he was an Egyptian, just for the fuck of it. Right. We've got a have a word quickie,

and then we're going to do a Dan versus food. Oh, do we have to? It's a good one today. Is it the... It's time to have a word with Dan and Dan. Carl? Is it Mr. Berenes? No.

No. Those questions were next-level stupid yeah so this is from an anonymous lady emailing to have a word pod at gmail.com if you've got anything you want reading out hi lids I need you to have a word with my fella who's a referee he's been doing his officiating qualifications the past year or so and now referees non-league level my puss is just too wet i'm dead support of his of his profession but he comes home every weekend in a bad mood after getting into arguments with part-time footballers and non-league fans last weekend a defender called him a specky victim for which he sent the fella off and a fight broke out. Sent him off? The have a word mainly stems from the fact

he's now taken to having constant spats with my dad when the football's on, constantly banging on about the protection of the officials and the sanctity of a referee's decision. I agree with him on all of it, but he needs to give it a rest with my dad, as my dad has started to refer to him as Kevin No Friends, a pun on some referee called Kevin Friend, apparently,

when he's not around great thanks lids um i'm gonna have a word with the woman who's written in because she is she's choosing to date a referee and no no she didn't get with a referee yeah but she's continuing to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be a referee it's a relationship ender is it if i was seeing someone and she was like I'm gonna be a referee I'd be like what like that's like trying

to be a fucking police community support officer they're the same thing gimps put them both in the bin do you know

what this is sexist it's probably one of the least sexiest things you're ever gonna hear from your missus isn't it

what babe I'm just I'm gonna let you know I'm gonna do my refereeing qualifications no you're not

go and work a footlocker you still get the outfit and we can all have a laugh I've booked a two-day course with the FA in Burton.

Nah, because you can come on, like, send your cock off, that means it goes up with ours. No, she can roleplay as a referee if she wants. I'm all for fancy dress,

we all know this. But if she knows the lingo as well. No, I'm just, like, honestly, if any woman who's like, oh, I want to be with a referee,

he is a specky little gimpo, whatever the fella called him, send me off your cunt. I'm telling you right now, referees are gobshites. They don't deserve protection from the players. They get too much protection as it is. They keep making bad decisions every week.

And when the players go, that's fucking bang out of order, they get yellow cards all sent off. You fellas are gobshites. You're an even bigger one for being with them. Let's move on. Yeah, Odom doesn't want to do this one. No, I do. You can say your opinion as well. as a gob shite you're an even bigger one for being with him let's move on yeah Adam doesn't want to do this one

no I don't you can say your opinion as well I thought you didn't want us to talk about it no you can let's move on apart from

your fellas are ming and so are you specky victim what a weird specky victim he is a specky victim are you allowed to wear glasses when you're refereed

do you need glasses you probably can't spot the fouls can you I think the dad's the dad's nickname is great yeah your dad sounds great Glasses when you're refereed. Do you need glasses? You probably can't spot the fouls, can you? I think the dad's nickname is great. Yeah. Your dad sounds great, by the way. Your dad's welcoming our Christmas party.

Aren't you best mates with Jeff Winter? What? Aren't you mates with Jeff Winter? He's retired, it's different. Yeah, he was the best of the bunch. Took bribes as well. Tea side Jeff Winter. Allegedly.

He says it on stage. Does he? Yeah. Let's hope he does. That's a disgrace. So there was a player. I can't remember who it was. So I did a sportsman's dinner with Jeff Winter

and one of the stories he... We were in River Island once and his phone went off and he went, hang on, Jeff Winter. I'll never forget it. It was the last game of the season

and a player hadn't been booked all year and Geoff Winter booked him and the player came up to him and was like

ref take that yellow card away please because it's going to cost me 20 grand we can find 20 grand

for a yellow card who's this he played for what like whatever like X amount of money I can't remember maybe it was

two grand or five thousands of pounds. No, it's the same as grassroots football. You can find these yellow. No, but the club can find you whatever you want. 20 grand. Whatever. I don't know, Carl.

It's X amount of money. So Jeff was like, right. Carl, you've got to move on. 40 grand. So Jeff went, I tell you what, I just, I won't put it in my match report, but I want your shirt at the end of the game. I'm going to give it to my son.

It was the last game of the season. It doesn't matter. It doesn't carry forward to next season. It just doesn't matter. And it was towards the end of the game. He wasn't going to get sent off. There was no big deal. She was like, just give us your shirt.

I just won't put it in the match report. You won't get fined. He's like, nice one. After the game, he was in the dressing room, and there's a fella who watches the referee for the game to make sure he's not, like it's never really talked about in punditry, but there's a referee's watchman at every match going,

is he making the right decisions? Assessing it. And after the game, he's in like the referee's changing room getting assessed. And the fella was like, did you not book? Let's say it was Kevin Nolan. Did you not book Kevin Nolan? I thought I'd seen you book Kevin Nolan

Jeff was like no I think he must have mislooked it when I was booking someone else and as he was having that conversation with his thing Kevin Nolan knocked on the door

and was like Jeff I've got this share for you do you want me to that can't be a clip I'm f***ing saying right Dan are you hungry? No. Tough shit.

Oh, well, I'll finish it then. I'm not hungry. What's under that, Harry? Put a... Is that a subway? He just needs to see us. Can we have that? Jesus.

So, this is a subway, Dan. You've had a Subway before? Yeah. What do you normally get from Subway? I sort of make my own. So what would you normally get on it? You can't really do that anymore, by the way. Cheese toasted.

It's really nice. Just cheese toasted. Oh, my God. That's so sad. That's what you add to everything. This is your first ever meatball marinara sub. Oh, wow. Cool.

That looks quite sad to be honest. So make like your ma and get at least half of it in. What bread's Harry gone for? Italian, is it? It's just Italian. He's gone very basic. I told him to get a meatball marinara, cheese. Did you get cheese?

It's got cheese on it and it's on the plainest white bread. This is just you. Like obviously you can customize this. You get a bit of salad on it if you want to. Hang on, what do you mean you can't customise your own Subway anymore? What's happened there?

You can't make your own anymore. It's more like a menu now. No, you can, but you have to pay by the ingredient plus like 15 quid to make your own. It's ridiculous.

Why have they done that? Because they're idiots. Remember when it used to be three quid for a Sub and a drink? Yeah. Those were the days, man. Remember back on a bus ticket when you could get

a Big Mac and fries for £1.99? Unbelievable days. Yes. Unbelievable days. Yes. Peak days of the UK. That was a proper fucking Britain, mate. What? Yeah, back of a bus ticket

you could get a macchie for two quid. We did it in the cinema as well. Back of the cinema tickets. Anyway, Dan. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. This is Dan versus food. Dan is a 42-year-old man with food phobias

and every week we make him try something he's never eaten before for your view and pleasure. This week he's trying a meatball marinara sub from Subway. It's on

hearty Italian bread. There's no salad on it, no extra sauce. It's just the marinara sauce, the meatballs and a bit of cheese. It's as basic as you can get. You've got to get a full meatball in your mouth. Stop fucking with portions. It's just a little burger.

You're going to like this. Yeah. It's like spag bol. In bread. That's exactly what it is, yeah. That's how it tastes. Do you not like everything in that? I think it's a white shit man

i don't think they do what they do well i don't think what they do what they do well and that's why i'm looking into buying uh a cafe and turning it into live peels best deli that's another new year's resolution open me deli slash bar comedy club in par the Marathon. Yeah, it's all right. I don't like... What's that? What type of meat is that? Pork. No, it's not.

It is. Pork meatball. It's a pork meatball? Yeah. I don't think I've ever had pork. What's gammon? Pork. It's ham, which is the same animal,

but it's not the same meat. Oh, so it's a different type of piggy. Yeah. This isn't very nice. It's all right. Hungry, though, yeah. Well, there we go different type of piggy. Yeah. This isn't very nice. It's all right. Hungry, though, yeah. Well, there we go. Out of 10, Dan, what would you give it?

Based on how much you thought it was going to be bad and then also as a real rating, what's the phobia rating? Phobia rating? Five? You're scared of meatballs because meatballs, they look a bit mad, don't they? Some of the stuff you've given me is so horrific. It's awful for me.

This is all doable. I just don't think it's very good. Okay, so what's the real rating? Two, three. There we go. He doesn't really like it, but he's not going to be sick. That's a result in damn this. Do you like me puking?

Yeah. Yeah. Everyone likes you puking. Fuck you Subway, by the way. I either like... Yeah, these are the disappointing ones when I'm like... Yeah, I like it either when you're like,

oh my God, I can't believe I've never had this before. Or when you're like... One or the other. Jewish. I'm sorry. This is... It is edible

but I don't think it's very good. What? The noise you made sounded Jewish. By the way, I've never noticed how much Timon sounds Jewish when he does that song. I can see what's happening, and I don't have a clue. He does when you do it more Jewish.

You're doing your New York Jewish lady. Oh, my God, I'm Timon, it's Pumba. What are you doing to your New York Jewish lady? Oh my God, I'm tomorrow's bumper. Fucking average. Nathan Lane in the birdcage. Who's in the birdcage? With Robin Williams.

Bang average, that. So good. Two out of ten. One star. Bang average. You're fucking... Bang average, You've got some high bars. Bang average, that. Right down the middle of the road, two out of ten. Two bang average.

I can see what's happening, and they don't have a clue. I'm Damone, this is Bumba. I'm a New York Jew. Let's have a break. What's happening, ladies and gentlemen? Welcome back to part three. We've got Akash Singh in the building. Thank you guys for having me. I'm excited to be here.

I'm good, man. I feel a little naked. I saw Ishan had a pillow, and I just feel like, fuck, dude. Maybe he just did that because he's insecure about his body, but he had a pillow here the whole time. Oh, yeah, that's definitely what Ishan does, yeah. He literally covers himself up because he's like, I don't want he had a pillow here the whole time. Oh, yeah, that's definitely what Ishan does, yeah. He literally covers himself up, because he's like,

I don't want anyone to see that I've been eaten. But it was a branded pillow, and I was like, dude, what a fucking smart thing you guys have. You know, we've got photos of Ishan on the wall. I know, I know. He's looking handsome, dude. Ishan, your pillow in two seconds. There's your pillow.

Oh, look at that, huh? Oh, is that me? It is you. Oh, you can't. You can't have an Adam Rowe cushion on your Oh, you can't. It's all good. You can't have an Adam Rowe cushion on your cock. Sure. I just want it next to me, you know?

There you go. Lovely. Snuggled with me. Pull focus from the camera. It'll be on me. That's what everyone wants. The money. The money's shot over here, mate.

It's something. Just finished your UK tour. Yeah, yeah. Obviously, it would have been ideal if we got you in maybe before it to promote the UK tour. It's all good, dude, for the next one. I'm coming. I love this place. I love London in particular, which I feel bad saying as an Indian. Why?

Because they've fucked our whole country. But it's kind of worth it. That was a long time ago. It's not not worth it. If I'm visiting London, I'm like, y'all did not use it. Y'all used the resources well. It's a not worth it. If I'm visiting London, I'm like, y'all did not use it. Y'all used the resources well. It's a beautiful city. Hey, this will go down very well with our sort of non-London listeners

that you're blaming London and not the rest of the UK. That will land really well. They funneled most of the resources, I assume, toward... You know what I mean? So, yeah, you guys didn't get as much good stuff out of it. No, no, Liverpool hates... Y'all got the worst weather even, it seems. Yeah.

Yeah, we did. Yeah. Yeah. Because we're closest to the North Pole, I think. That's how the weather works. What's good about that is Santa gets to us quicker. That's true. Fuck you, London.

That's true. He gifted y'all the Beatles 90 years ago or whatever. You were saying, hey, yeah, but they're the best band of all time. That was just muscle memory, that. It was, yeah. It's a scalp reaction. Beatles, the best. Fucking champions.

Wait, I just realized this. So Oasis, Manchester, and they used to always say they were bigger than the Beatles. Is that just Manchester-Liverpool rivalry? Who used to say Oasis were bigger than the Beatles? They used to say that, right? No, no, no. They love the Beatles. Oh, I thought they used to say we're bigger than the Beatles. What are you saying finn he's had five europeans uh oasis were for a couple years were quite boldly saying they were

bigger than the beatles but they never were oh where are they saying about your own it was it was all through the enemy they were just trying to impress we don't have culture akash we just hate the ones down the road and fuck them until they die. I've done my Manchester tour date now. I can say inbred cunts. I love you all. Oasis were never bigger than the Beatles. I mean, no, they weren't, but they used to say it.

I'd say they're probably the second biggest band in Britain, though. Yeah, at the time. Yeah, fucking run, Blair. Yeah, Blair. I've seen Blair. They had a run. They were like the Matt Rife of the 90s.

But they didn't- They had a fucking run that you cannot deny. They didn't translate to America that well, did they? No, a couple songs did. They had a run in America too. Wonderwall went crazy in America. Then they had one or two others, I can't remember, but they had-

Champagne Supernova did well there. Yeah. Yeah, you were saying you've just done Glasgow, Manchester, and London, but you think you've got to come back and do Birmingham and Leicester because you feel like you've missed the Glasgow, Manchester, and London. Yes. But you think you've got to come back and do Birmingham and Leicester. Yeah. Because you feel like you've missed, like, the Orion's Belt of Asians in the UK.

Yes, yeah, exactly. Everybody's like, why the fuck would you not do Birmingham? It is wild, to be honest with you. It's so racist that you came over. And then everyone was like, dude, you should do the more Asian places. Like, how has no one gone, hey, don't say that to our guys. That's not good. Yeah, I know.

Have you done Bradford? You should be doing Bradford. Imagine an Irish comedian going to America and not doing New York or Boston. That's what he's done. Yeah, but. Yeah, maybe. Boston, maybe.

And Irishman going over, I'm just doing Missouri and Michigan. That would be more mental, though, wouldn't it? I was not aware of how compartmentalized every city was. My Uber driver is an hour from Manchester. And thank you guys for getting my Uber, by the way but he was like i'd never come to liverpool i was like buddy it's an hour so i thought it's two and a half hours i flew eight hours to do this show y'all could drive two hours from birmingham to do see me in manchester and they were like that's not how this works no no they stay there yeah they don't come here but you know

how small this country is relatively like how many how many tour dates did you do this tour? 40. So he did 40 in the UK. That's crazy. That's bonkers, right? And that's 40 towns. Yeah. That's 40 places.

Like, in America, like, maybe at the start when you come up. I'm hitting state after state after state. It's all, like, I'm flying everywhere. It's just such a big land mass. So 40 dates in the US makes sense, but it's a three-hour flight to so many different places. 30 miles away in the UK, you can do a completely different tour date with people who would never bother

making that 30-mile journey. Yeah, that's crazy to me. I think my record was eight miles. South Shields, maybe. South Shields to Newcastle, that might be eight, nine, 10 miles. Insanity to me. I did a warm-up in South Shields,

and that was full and then i did a tour date at newcastle city so when you do it in the u.s you basically like you do a state or you do it like a you'll do a major market so like if it's a big enough state i'll do houston and dallas but that's a four hour drive i understand people not necessarily wanting to make that drive right if it's two hours it's like you could probably i'm not a dickhead i didn't think i was a dickhead for not doing that city i put it that way so you is that the same for going as well so like the people you want to see you would travel say two hours to i'm only talking to this side of the room dude i don't know yes no i'm sorry what were you asking so would you

travel to to see the people you want to see Is like a two-hour journey just normal? I guess, yeah, if they were coming from another country. Like if an Indian, like, dude, these Bollywood actors used to go on tour sometimes. Like Shah Rukh Khan, like, did a show in Dallas. If I lived two hours away. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What would that show entail? He's dancing to all of the songs he did and singing and performing.

You'd love it. I was a kid. I was a kid I I was a kid so I didn't get it. What was happening? My mom was like freaking out I would absolutely now I would drive four hours five hours see whatever the fuck it is. This guy's coming from India. It's What he's hitting he's just doing like his greatest hits of scenes from his films that scenes the songs does he sing I Don't remember if he sang or lip-synced. He probably lip-synced. I've got to be honest with you,

that sounds shit. Dude, dude, dude. That's our Beatles, dude. Watch your fucking mouth, bro. It sounds fucking shit. I'm about to put on an Oasis soundtrack in this entire fucking podcast. If there was any, like, scouse actor,

like if Stephen Graham was going around going, I'm just going to do all the songs for me. Yeah, but he don't dance, dude. He can't do the things. Shadow Khan can dance. You'll tell me your parents go and watch someone dance. I will pay anything to do... I will watch Shadow Khan read a book for 45 minutes.

This cunt's seen Hamilton eight times and loves it. It's like, this sounds fucking ridiculous. Unless it's about the American Revolution. I'd have no idea why this would be interesting. Andrew did the same shit to me. Before the play, you have to listen to the soundtrack. And I listened and I was like, this is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. Now, I saw the play and it was great afterward.

My friend was actually Hamilton, so maybe that's why I liked it. But I was like, I'm not listening to a fucking soundtrack of a play that's so stupid. I often listen to the Hamilton soundtrack when I'm driving to shows. Why? Because it fucking hypes you up. Your show can't possibly be more boring than this. It hypes you up. It's my fault.

It fucking sucks. It's my fault. I am not giving away my show so i've been banging on about hamilton for like two years and i took the entire team dragged them last week to go and see it in manchester and it was the worst night of all of their lives yeah especially because y'all are on the wrong end of that whole ass plate it's's just 60... That wasn't why I thought it was shit. I wasn't like, these could be our colonies still. Imagine how wealthy we'd be.

I don't think you understand how little, especially in Northern Britain, and especially in Liverpool, we're not in any way attached to being British. That's right. Y'all fucking hate the Queen. We're not like, oh, we lost that.

Can't watch that play. Like, I'm rooting for hamilton the whole the whole i forgot i forgot y'all got a real thing fuck the monarchy and all that yeah camp is fucking christmas what it was just so camp but then again bollywood's a little bit yeah no absolutely and i'm i embraced it and i used to try to be like a whatever about it snobby like it's not realistic and then i realized for a lot of them, at least back then, India was much poorer.

And they're like, we don't want to see reality. Get us out of that. I want to see beautiful people with beautiful, rich people, problems, family problems that I still relate to. And I think that was like the escape of him for me.

I was like, Oh, just embrace that. And then it was great. What's your favorite Bollywood film? Cause I've never seen any of them. Um, big mama's house too. The bollywood version of big mama's house 2 is fucking great martin lawrence he's touring at the minute doing all the songs

what's the goat what's like the goat? I love this DDLJ. It is great. Kal Honaho is really good. And then Kuch Kuch Hote He is like a movie. Kuch Kuch Hote He means like something happens. That's the idea. What is love? Kuch Kuch Hote He.

Something happens. You just know something happens. But these are all great movies. There's a film called Something Happens. Kuch Kuch Hote He. Yeah. That's surely a terrible title for the film though because surely any film should have something happening in it dude i saw a beautiful english movie called about time fucking wonderful movie the title it's about time that sounds the worst isn Isn't that the Stephen Hawking's one? No, no, no. It is, yeah. No, no, no, don't connect them. Yeah.

It's all Stephen. Stephen Hawking time travels. What's the Stephen Hawking's one? Theory of Everything. Theory of Everything, yeah. What? Theory of Everything. Yeah.

Okay. Is there any gangster Bollywood films? Huh? Any gangster Bollywood films? Oh, I'm sure there are. Like, Don is, like, about Don, but I didn't, I don't, I'm sure there are. Like, Don is like about Don. But I'm into the lovey stuff. He's mostly lovey, isn't he?

I'm a lovey guy. I love the lovey movies. About Time, fantastic film. It's a great film. We're going to India next year. Oh, I heard about this. I heard about this. You're doing this for a charity.

We're cycling the length of India. In Liverpool. You're going to India to buy for charity in England. As if you guys didn't do that for hundreds of years. Hey, there was a charity for England in India. It was called the East India

Trading Company. I don't think you need to do it again. No, but there's babies dying by ours. We've got to save them. There's babies. You're going to drive by babies dying on a bicycle. The money's not dying by ours. We've got to save them. There's baby... You're going to drive by babies dying? On a bicycle? The money's not going to them. What are you talking about?

We'll pick them up. They can come with us. Okay, that I'm with. Yo, if you sponsor a couple of pieces, I'm in. No, I'll put a couple of pooch on. The little baby can be like, eh, they can come on the bike with us, you know? No, don't do that.

Eh! Adam Roach on a smuggle. The Indian baby's back. Fucking hell. Yeah. For charity. Look, here't do that. Adam Roach on a smuggle, the Indian baby's back. Fucking hell. Yeah. For charity. Look, here's what happened. A friend of mine messaged me

and was like, hey, you've got profile. I need someone to sign up for this charity bike ride in India. Are you up for it? And I was like, drunk enough to say yeah. And then we came in here

three days later. I talked everyone into it and now we're going to India. And obviously we're going to film it and we're going to put it on Patreon so we're going to monetize it as well. So save the dying Scouse babies. What's weird is that doesn't bother me. I'm like, yeah, you got to do that.

See if you can get a couple of patrons out there. But the charity coming back here, I was just like, buddy, y'all have done that enough. Yeah, but I don't know any Indian babies. I know loads of scouse babies if i do my job right you'll know one when this bike ride is coming on you know what i mean what should we do in india do you have any where are you going

um where are we going we don't know we're starting at the taj mahal yeah it better be the actual taj mahal and not just a fucking curry house in leicester oh shit taj mahal is beautiful you'll enjoy that where else are you going there's good uh there's not a lot of good like danduri food there like there's it's you can't it was so polluted for a while that they really made it, I guess, like, eco-friendly. Like, you can't even grill certain types of ways and shit like that.

Like, tandoori chicken's not going to be there. So I don't know good food in that area, but where else are you going? We're just going 500 kilometers away from the Taj Mahal. We don't know what that is. Well, if you map it out, let me know, and if I've been there, I'll... Has anyone got the itinerary? We've got the itinerary. Jaipur is beautiful.

Oh, dude, that's a beautiful city. It's called's called pink city bunch of pink buildings and stuff like that i spent one night there was gorgeous gorgeous city we're driving so that's where we go we're going from the taj mahal to jaipur oh okay oh that's gonna be great dude yeah that's great 450 kilometers in nine days just do me me a favor. When you see a dying baby on the way, give them a couple quid. Yeah. Are they scouts? They're scouts. I'm like, there you go. You're giving British money, dude.

It's fine. They'll figure that out. That's on you to figure out. That's your job. How did I even get here? Mad. A lot of these problems on myself. You've kicked it.

Fluent. Yeah. You're a scouts baby. Go, Finn. You've kicked it, Fluent. Go. Go, Finn. You've kicked India, haven't you? Yeah. What was that like? It's tricky because

the freedom of speech there, like we complain, but it's not, in India, it's like illegal to talk about other religions. So there was a Muslim comic. What's the main one over there?

Mainly Hindu. Okay. And then there was a Muslim comic who went to jail because he made a joke that was interpreted as being about a Hindu goddess and was in jail. He actually, his career kind of took off from that once he got free.

But then two people that got arrested with him, their careers fucked. So I'll only kind of do pop-up shows there because I know it's my fans coming and I don't have to worry about that shit as much. So the last two times I went to visit my wife's family, I just did a pop-up show in Bangalore and it was so fun, dude. And it's a pop-up show, so everybody is kind of excited it's an event, but those are the best.

Those are the best. What do you mean by pop-up show? I announce it like two days before the show and then it's a small room. Whoever buys the tickets, you're there. And if not, cool. And then I know my fans are going to be on my IG or whatever. They'll scoop up the tickets. I don't have to worry about some idiot coming getting offended by a joke

causing a whole ruckus and then i'm i got to deal with you know years of shit yeah so what language are you doing that in english bangalore also is a pretty western country okay and i don't obviously i'm no expert because india is so different so diverse but yeah bangalore i know to be a pretty western country i have a decent number of fans out there and then anytime i try to like pander to because India is so different, so diverse. But yeah, Bangalore, I know to be a pretty Western country. I have a decent number of fans out there. And then anytime I try to like pander to them, like I did shows in America for Indian uncles and aunties. And I remember trying to like do a little more Bollywood references

or X, Y, and Z. And then I just bombed. And they were like, Because they can feel it, they smell it. They're just like, don't be a dude. Yeah. And then I said, never again from from now on I do what I do and then y'all come to me

and if I bomb that's fine that's what it is but at least I did that and you'll respect me but bombing and they don't respect you is a fucking

that's a real bad combo that's a really bad combo yeah it's disgusting dude have you gigged in any other countries in Asia or just India

we did Andrew and I did before like 10 years ago, we did Malaysia and Singapore. Malaysia was so fun. Singapore, I didn't like as much. I also, I bombed at an English place, a Raffles. You guys have a Raffles in London, I think. But there was a Raffles there and I just bombed for a bunch of just old English. And I was like, I hate this so much, dude. They hated me. I hated them. It was such a rough rough one how much of Asia have you done what how much of Asia have you done absolutely not about six

girls which yeah yeah a Vietnamese lady um no I don't think I've ever gigged in Asia apart from like Dubai does that count it is in Asia. Is it? Have you done Q8? I've just done Forces gigs and a couple in Bahrain. That's as far as I've gone. And then I went to New Zealand, so I just skipped over all the Asian stuff. There was gigs in India, wasn't there, for the Comedy Store. I've heard about gigs in Philippines and Malaysia.

It just never sort of... You know, sometimes they sort of fall in your lap and it just never happened. There's also gigs in hong kong never got offered them i would have been interested to now i couldn't be fucked but yeah i'd be interested to gig in like like hong kong would have been fascinating we should try and set a gig up while we're in india yeah off the bike one day do a little set back on the bike do a pop-up yeah do a pop gig do a pop up I'm sure there's a hospital in Leicester

you guys could send the money to I think now we know we're not allowed to talk about Hindu goddesses I think that would be the first thing

out of our fucking mouth yeah yeah yeah that's the problem you might be able to might be able to get away with it because you're British and you

they're going to want to be somewhat cozy with your government maybe who are the Hindu goddesses there's a lot we only you only know Vishnu and Ganesh get away with it because you're British and you got they're gonna want to be somewhat cozy with your government maybe who were the Hindu goddesses there's a lot we only you only

know Vishnu and Ganesh because of the Simpsons yeah that's just my my I didn't even know them because I don't

really watch the Simpsons the many hands of Vishnu yeah oh the fucking yeah he's got loads of arms from the

dance we did at the arena no yeah it was but we didn't call it that though did we no because we didn't call it that, though, did we? No, because we didn't know the words. We did the fucking... I like what you're doing right now.

You know what I mean, though. Yeah, yeah, no, I get it. It's good. Dude, that's great physical comedy. I'm not being sarcastic. That's great. I knew exactly what you were doing. Akash, I am the biggest Simpsons fan ever,

and Finlay has just pointed out your information here. You defended the Apu thing with the Simpsons. Yeah, dude, I love just pointed out your information here you defended the poo thing with this yeah dude i love a poo yeah he was the greatest did you see i've got a rug of them outside there's a rug outside oh i didn't even see that yeah oh so much um what was your take on a poo uh i i mean i suppose i haven't really got any like not that i've got an opinion but i haven't got any right to have a say in it, but I thought it was fine. Yeah. And there was a lot of Indians saying, that was our only representation on the television then, so why take that away?

Because then we've got nothing. And now we have more. And people were upset that it was a white guy doing the voice, but I was also like, I guess maybe because I'm in the business, I was like, dude, you think there were Indian voiceover actors in 1988? And also, he does a really good Indian voiceover actors in 1988 and also he does a really good indian voice he does a great he's great at accents yeah there's a movie called a

long cane poly i love rom-coms is this is this hank azaria hank azaria he does like a french thing like the scuba instructor and it's ridiculous but it's so funny scuba instructor yeah he calls the guy's name is ruben he keeps calling him and he's in the fucking bird cage again for the second time we talked about it before you got in he's in the bird cage as hector or something dude he's done latin he's great at accents so again you got this guy who's great at accents he's playing this character he made it his own and then by the time i guess south asians got into ho Hollywood, it was like 2008. So 19 years in, we're going to just swap you out.

It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. You could have an Indian consultant if you want on to look at the, be like, hey, this joke might be a little bit offensive, whatever. Because I'm sure there were hacky jokes. But again, it was the late 80s, early 90s. That's all we did was hacky jokes. It was the stereotype that people didn't like. Yeah, of course. That's all it was. Things are jokes. It was the stereotype that people didn't like. Yeah, of course.

That's all it was. Things are only hack now because they were done so much then. Yes. And they were funny back then because we knew nothing about each other. America was like England. We didn't know each other. We don't go anywhere. Now we know a little more.

So fine. You can have a consultant if you want. Be like, hey, maybe you, or an Indian writer. Be like, yeah, that's not that. Yeah, we could do better than that. Whatever. Do you think if it wasn't for comedy, you'd have any non-white friends? Do you think if if it wasn't for comedy you'd have any non-white friends do you think if it wasn't for comedy you'd have any non-white friends i asked that my question though the valid question it's no i really

really want the answer to be of course but it's not though is it you don't know any he's from pester like that's just it's not though, is it? You don't know any? He's from Preston. Like that's just... There's a massive Asian community in Preston. There's more of a massive Asian people there. How big are they? They're huge. That's why you're not friends with them. You can go and shout.

Fucking big Asian ogres. Truth? Truth? No. Probably not because I live in a white ass town. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that's not your fault.

No, but I don't like them as well. You can make an effort, though. It is quite bad. How would you make an effort? What? How would you make an effort? You go around looking for black people. Hold a sign up on the street saying black people wanted.

You go around looking for black people. Get some of your mates to do it. Get a posse. Get a posse. Black people wanted. And then just go looking for black people. Get some horses. Get a ship. And you don just go looking for black people. Get some horses. And you don't want to get run over, so

wear something white. And it's winter, so you'll need some sort of horse, and you go and find those black people. Or just get a ship, take them to another country. It's all kinds of fun we could have. Take a cruise together? Take a cruise.

Take a wave? Oh, Lord. Is that because I actually left today? No, it's just because of the conversation come off. I've got loads of other race friends. There's a couple of people, you know, not from comedy. What?

Who? There isn't any. There is. There isn't. Jade over there. Good friend, Jade. She's not a comedian. I worked with a black guy called There isn't any. There is. There isn't. Jade over there. Good friend, Jade. Yeah. You know? She's not a comedian. Well cheated.

I worked with a black guy called Tosin for a while. Tosin? Yeah. Oh, he was cool. Tosin Saluko? The thing is, sometimes I wish... You said I worked with him. You didn't say I was friends with him.

No, I'm friends with Tosin. I see Tosin maybe like three or four times a year. Sometimes we try and do records. He's like, Mad lad, that's my Tosin time. I can't... He's like, can we go to Nashville again? He's like, mad lad, that's my toasting time. I can't. He's like, can we go to Nashville again?

He's like, what, when I'm away with toasting? Your friends are them because of work though? Doesn't matter. I said because of comedy. Yeah,

but it's the same thing, isn't it? His job is comedy. It's not the same thing. Right. His job's comedy. Doesn't matter. That's not what my question was.

Stop trying to change my question to make me look bad. I've got a black friend. His name's Tosin and you haven't went to school with a lad called Fabian we were rivals

on the schoolyard he was like a friend no we were like we had a friendly rivalry because we both sold like sweets and chocolate on the yard at school

so I went he was the goat though begrudge and respect there you haven't seen him since 2004 and that's because he's got a Ferrari and he's flying around fucking Miami with all his fucking school dinner money mate He was the GOAT though. But grudge and respect there. Yeah, but I didn't step on his turf. You haven't seen him since 2004. Yeah, that's because he's got a Ferrari and he's flying around fucking Miami with all his fucking school dinner money, mate.

Yeah, which you don't resent. Yeah. All right, cool. I mean, he built an empire from these sweets, dude. He did. This guy had a business brain. Jack Helan bought a motorbike and a Rolex in year nine from selling Galaxy bars and Lucas Aids.

And that's not a lie. I'm going to be honest. It took me eight seconds to figure out some of what you said. So I was just trying to get there, but I got it. I personally knew got wealthy off selling confectionery in school. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's crazy. Who else do I know? He's best natured. These by the way, they're just flying. This is best made to these by the way they're just flying this is our new feature guess the ethnic minority

do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do oh hang on do i know any asians or anything yeah dude no chance

john chan he makes you food yeah so what he's dead sound you just know someone who works in a place you eat no i walk into a

chinese restaurant and he goes what's happening adam and i go you No, I walk into a Chinese restaurant and he goes, what's happening, Adam? And I go, you're like, John, that's a friend, man. Wait until he's doing this bike ride in India. Just making loads of fucking mates. We should keep details. You'd love my mate, Tosin.

Sign up for our Patreon. Sign up for Patreon. When you give money to this poor baby, the dying baby that you see see several babies on the side of the street we're not saving one child we're saving thousands no i miss the indian one the one that i care about give him 10 quid whatever take three out for the patreon and be like this is my gift also is now you have a subscription to the patreon so give him seven and a page you kill two birds with one stone you know i mean yeah mean? Yeah. Two dead babies, one 10 quid.

Is it poor? Is it, I mean, are we talking like, I know India's economy is flying at the top. India's economy is climbing like crazy, but there is still poverty that you've never imagined. Right.

You know what I mean? And again, I'm not at all the experts. Some Indians probably listening, like I'm a fucking idiot, but I will say when I go from America, I'm like, God damn.

Sometimes I'm like, holy shit. This is, because they're still climbing out of everything, you know, and they're going to get there. But it's a fucking there's a there's a level of I was like, oh, I've seen inescapable poverty now. I've seen poverty in America. I don't think I've seen inescapable poverty until I went to India. OK, yeah. See, I don't think we've seen loads of wealth, but we've got a sort of system set up so the bottom end of our poverty isn't quite as bad as like American poverty.

Absolutely, yeah. I mean, I haven't seen, I don't think a single homeless person since I've been here. Why, you've... And you've been in Manchester, Glasgow and London? Yeah. You weren't looking.

Yeah. That's true. I've been gigging pretty hard. London I didn't see. Like they're there. They are there. It is't looking. Yeah. That's true. I've been gigging pretty hard. I didn't see. Like they're there. They are there. It is getting worse. We got worryingly,

we got a lot more tents permanently like set up. The last two years, he does live on a campsite though, so it is skewed. A lot more. Yeah. It's a lot more visible

the last couple of years, which is sad. Like I've noticed it so much around where we work. We also, in the UK, because of the class class system like in america if someone's wealthy they are willing and able to shout about it it's like i've got loads of money i've done very well because it's the american dream it's and hey look how much i've got is very american over here there's a great dylan moran joke about it where he's like uh in ireland we don't really have the class system

it's just you know you've got us we're all us and then over there there's people in bigger houses but you don't really know them like that that's what it's like here is that the the wealthier kept out of our sight really and even when they've got a lot of money they're not like the the wealthiest people in this country we don't know their names really apart from the famous ones yeah yeah yeah yeah and also, being too lavish is gauche, so they wouldn't do it. Yeah, it is gauche. Because it's landed, you know, if you're landed wealth,

you don't need to show off about it. Yeah. Because your family have had it for, you know, a thousand years. I grew up listening to rap in the US and watching it kind of grow up. And it's, like, the stuff that they used to rap about was, like, a Mercedes,

and now they'll rap about, like, a M is just like watching them figure out going from rich to wealth is interesting isn't that gonna call a tv a line i'm sure it is is it run the mc danny mclaughlin used to have a a joke about a lot of one of his bars was I don't mean to brag I don't mean to boast but I like hot butter on my breakfast toast that was a brag in a song butter I mean

Biggie said that when they're thirsty they sip champagne yeah every time I hear that I'm like that sounds fucking awful yeah

if you're really thirsty you're like hey Biggie do you want some champagne like no i'll have a fucking evian oh sugar hill rappers delight they say i've got a hit the hip yeah was that late 70s yeah yeah color tv fucking it'll make it it's come a long way it's come a long way are you into any british rap okay sure is it just i so i'm 39 i've stopped listening to i've stopped looking for new music but i actually love the drill stuff

that like when it hits me i'm like oh it's fine like central c hit the us and i was like this is fantastic and then there was a couple other drill songs that people played for me the name that i already forgot who sang them but i was like not a shit i actually think the uk is the wave right now with hip-hop and i used to think it couldn't you couldn't get cooler black people than black americans and then i realized jamaicans are by far the coolest black people and then the uk has a lot of jamaican influence so i'm like oh that's cooler wagwan that shit is so fire yeah that's such a cool what's up is fine wagwan way cooler central c's got a freestyle on the la leakers where he does the difference between american slang and uk slang and it is i don't know if you're bothered about central c but this kid's fucking great at what he does he's got it

man it's so good and he's even got drake trying to sound like he's from west london yeah on one of his uh drake's guested on a track and you're like like your uncle rapping or something the whole album based on uk bro oh is he yeah right okay he produced he the when he helped bring back top boy yeah because i know it was gone for like years and then him and future brought it back to netflix and that's i that was i think a big moment for americans to be like oh no this shit is cool drake's not cool though is he i'm marching on his jason brilliant but yeah i tend to agree yeah he's past it he's just a bit like i don't know he's one of these where obviously he's very very good at what he does but he gives i know i know you hate the phrase the ick but he gives me a bit of the ick when he's just everywhere. And like on Instagram, he's like,

well, I'm just going to bet $3 million and then nick someone's drink at the NBA All-Star game. I just feel like it's very high profile and he's not as cool as I used to think he was. I am jealous of having that amount of money though, where like Channel 4 can go, we're cancelling Top Boy. And he's just like, no, you're not. I'll just buy it and then just keep making it

that's literally what he's done that's a real flex yeah yeah alright I'll be bringing deal or no deal back me mate is that finished

it's back it's back no they've took it off air again for Stephen Muller and shite do you know Michael Owen was

on it this week what Michael Owen was on it this week was he really yeah okay so you can just take a knee

to this bit yeah Michael Owen's I've not watched it yet four pound that'll do is that what you bring back I'll take that £4 is that what you bring back

I bring back the golden girls mate what a fucking TV thank you for being a friend three absolute gilfs chatting shit do you know have you even heard of golden girls golden girls you never seen so fucking good man sex in the city was just a young girls golden girls you never seen before you're so good man

sex in the city was just a young hip golden girl that's it that's some comic said it had an open mic and i couldn't i couldn't unhear it i forget his name but it's exactly what it was the characters are the same do you know what everyone under the age of 36 is like what the are you on about but oh that was so golden girls so good. Golden Girls is fantastic, Doug. My cost rate. It's a show about four old broads in a retirement home. And they're so fucking funny, dude. There's a really old lady who's actually the youngest one made up to be old. Estelle Getty was the actress's name.

She was so funny. God, who was the, Betty White was one of them. You know Betty White? Yeah. That's where she got. What a fucking ledge. And then the other one was, fuck, what was her name one that was maude the tall one dorothy what was her fucking she was also so funny dude ah watch the show fantastic what would you bring back what telly show um a canceled tv show you've got drake money nah just make that again golden balls golden balls

i think that was influenced by Golden Balls. Oh yeah. Golden Balls. What a game, mate. I'm bringing back Golden Girls and you're bringing back Golden Balls. Yeah, put them

together. Some golden babies. I'm putting Jasper Carrot like, putting Golden Balls. We're going to put and do it again. I don't steal.

It's putting nasty that. That's your Jasper Carrot. Yeah, I'm just a carrot. Famous Birmingham comedian Jasper Carrot. I'm Jasper Carrot I thought it was Pooley famous Birmingham comedian Jasper Carrot that was a Birmingham accent

oh yeah couldn't say it was good did it what TV would you bring back my brain is in London or in England right now

but I would think the Sherlock before it fell off oh Benedict Cumberbatch so fucking good up until Moriarty the whole Moriarty thing after that i don't know

what the fuck happened it's so weird yeah yeah no he's saying oh yeah the whole up until that was every episode was just like this is a movie season three onwards was what the fuck happened oh i know what i do i buy the rights to luther and then never let anyone make any more luther ever again because it's shit there you go cool that's what i do i spend all my drink money on discouraging it's the best from acting it's the best british drama luther's fantastic shell i could be fantastic he hates why not in the wire because you feel sexual feelings for him yeah of course okay yeah you can hate someone's talent and want to fuck him okay okay and string of most women stringer bell stringer bell in the wire tremendous everything since a dog shit luther was before stringer bell

right no i was after no fuck dude that was his Oh, man. Luther's so good. The first 20 minutes, I was like, what am I watching? And then the second that flip happens with Alice, I was like, oh, this is the best. Oh, he loves Alice. And she is the most attractive. Not the actress. I've seen the actress in other stuff, and I'm like, could take her or leave her. As Alice, slit my throat and fuck my cock. She's got a mad head, though.

I feel another story special coming, boys. I want Alice Morgan to murder me while she's fucking me. Oh, what a fucking... Doesn't get better than that, does it? The old slit throat fuck. The threat. The threat of death

whilst you're coming. Come on, mate. What? The ceiling. So is there a way back? If someone had a gun to your head, like, have a wank, you'd have a boss wank. It depends on what she looks like.

So you have a male rape fantasy. I've never seen a guy with a rape fantasy. No, it's not rape, though, because I want it. It's a murder fantasy. It's a threat. I don't want to be murdered. But the rape fantasy, they want it. They just want to pretend they don't want it.

There's full consent, but he's going to get killed. Yeah, I'm not saying no. I'm saying, yeah, slit me throat, you bitch. There are definitely girls we could have this happen with. Just some of the absolute quarterbacks that you first had sex with back in the day. Still pull-ups. Come here. I fucking love a girl with good shoulders come here

look at that and if anyone breaks in you'll kill them who needs a Rottweiler I think we need a break yeah we do what's happening lads if you are enjoying this episode or even if you're not,

do you know what? Just do us a favor. Like it, subscribe, turn the bell on. Make sure you get notifications when we drop an episode. Do it right now. Leave us a comment. Tell us that it's sick. Or call us all cunts if you want.

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Appreciate you. Smell your mouth. Go ahead. Final section. Par 4 of 4. You happy? You happy with that? Got some questions that our listeners have written in.

Oh, absolutely. Okay. Well, we're going to give some advice is what we're going to do. I love this. Yeah. Hit the jingle. Hit it. To hell.

Let's give some advice, mate. Yes. We are upstanding, mature, sensible fucking men of the world. So this first one is from Steve O'Brien. And I think he's written this. He's Irish, isn't he? No, I think it seems Geordie. That's my cousin.

Steve O'Brien, ladies. It's Irish, lads. I'm sick of hearing people writing in all that. You can only do Cheryl Cool. I'll do Cheryl Cool and that's about it. All right, lads. I'm sick of hearing people writing in saying

that they need advice because their cocks are too big and they're shagging too many birds. I'm sorry, can I just pause it? This happens a lot since we've had this feature.

Our listeners are like, lad, honestly, I'm fucking getting too much pussy. Yeah, yeah. Can you give us some advice? You know what it's like? I can't fucking knock on my head.

How do you deal with it when you're just covered in squares? Like, and there's no towel. Medically, my dick is too big. I'm on a bed right now, covered in squares, and I don't know what to do. There's seven women here.

They want me to fuck them, and I haven't got the energy. What do I do? Any advice, lads? Appreciate you. I need some actual real-world advice. I've just turned 40 and been single

for coming up to four years and not had my end away in that time it's that bad i've started having wet dreams again so i think it's time to download the dating apps and try and get my end away my problem is i've got an awful cock it's tiny and it looks like alf are you writing into your own podcast it's gonna be me it's like my brother from another intel mother my problem is I've got an awful cock

it's tiny it looks like Alf and I've always had a problem with shooting my load far too quickly to the point where I used to have to pretend that I'd never spaffed and go twice in the same missionary position but now I'm 40 I don't think I can be arsed or able to do that now. My pals are telling me to go with a brass,

but last time I did that in Amsterdam, I went off like a 10p rocket when she was putting the blob on with her mouth. So I'm reluctant to go with another as it's just not good value for money. Should I just remain celibate? Oh, that's crazy. That's why you don't put sex workers.

That's crazy, yeah. Should I just remain celibate for the rest of you don't think that's crazy yeah should i just remain celibate for the rest of time or if i do pull a bird just blow my load and be happy cheers he's not made this anonymous steve o'brien full name i'll legal how'd you come twice in missionary you can't that's why why are you calling bullshit on the most honest email we've ever had like i'm fucking not getting laid. I'm having wet dreams. My dick looks like ouch.

Sometimes I come and then pretend I haven't come and come again. You're like, this is a fucking lie. Another one of these bragging emails that's gotten come twice in a row. He's saying he can fuck twice with one erection? You can't.

Mate, there's nothing. Unless you've had Viagra. There's Viagra. Great centre back. We, this, oh, This is the saddest. You ever had any problems with your car cash? Yeah, dude. Obviously.

Come on. Fuck them anyway. Who cares? Pay for the hooker. Who cares if you come quickly? This guy's a fucking weirdo, man. Yeah. That's the weirdest part of that email.

She wants that as well. She wants you gone. Quick comes, goes for this lady. It's like a really long, passionate love affair with a hooker. It's just get in you gone. Quick comes, goes for this lady. Yeah, who wants a really long, passionate love affair with a hooker? It's just get in, jizz, out,

back on the aisle. Can I just rewind? Is he not just wanking? What's wrong with just getting a- Because he wants the love of a woman. What? I'm sure he's been wanking. He wants the love of a woman,

so he's like, yeah, but these sex workers aren't good value. Yeah, because he's got an ugly dick, and he's 40. He might just be awful to women so just let's get a really good 4k screen get a subscription get some millennium look get some get some love honey lube is this guy's jamaican why doesn't he just eat pussy i don't understand what's his hang up there you could probably if you learn to eat pussy fantastic you could be decent yeah you know you might not be great but you could be decent and then they'll let you put your little alf cock inside of them and you know come quickly it's over

oh no you but you can break it up you can have sex stop eat some pussy like break it up yeah so you pace yourself that's what i make a woman do your face and then you can come as quickly as you like. Pacey? Intermittent fucking? Interval training. I'm just saying, I don't know. What if he's not, listen.

Intermittent blasting. What if he's not the best looking guy ever? Because he's got a dick that looks like Alf. There's a person for everybody. Right. So he's going to go up and go, yeah, I'm going to fucking eat you out

for about four and a half hours. What woman takes four and a half hours? What? Doesn't it take four and a half hours. What woman takes four and a half hours? What? Doesn't it take four and a half hours to make a woman come with your tongue or you're not doing it right? Also. Can do sometimes, though, if it's cold. What lady's going to be put off by that man?

I'll eat your pussy for four hours? No. It's all right, mate. On you go. Yeah, this guy's just so insecure. He's putting it all on the woman. Women will fuck your alfcock, dude. You'd be amazed what women will settle for.

Have you seen my wife? Doesn't make any sense. You'd be amazed. women will settle for. Have you seen my wife? Doesn't make any sense. You'd be amazed. You just got to shoot your shot. That's it. Just get out there. Try to fuck a bunch

of these girls. Who cares if you get rejected? They're not saying you got a little alfcock. You're saying that. They'll think it maybe, but that's who cares. So you're saying to him

get back on Tinder, be swiping right. Swipe. No, fuck Tinder. Go out there and holler at these bitches in real life. I'm sick of men not street harassing women anymore, pussies.

Hold a sign up saying women wanted. On the other side. Black women wanted. Get loads of your mates. Get horses. And go and find some black women. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is all good.

And it's winter, so wear a balaclava. Keep you warm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get a van. Can I just say that before we even get to the going out and banging or eating pussy for, you know, a fortnight, why is he having wet dreams? Because he's not getting pussy?

No, hang on. That means he's not cracking one out. No, well, well, no. Yes. No, if you have a sex dream, do you cum? What? If you have a sex dream. You're only having wet dreams.

You're only jizzing in your knickers, in your underpants. You're only doing that if you aren't wanking. That's not true. It is absolutely true. That's not true. Come on. You don't have sex dreams. That's not true.

You've had wet dreams. Yeah, in the past like five years. Of course. You've not been wanking. Been in a relationship for eight years fucking semi-regularly at least I don't know what's regular

but a decent amount like twice a night I think you need to masturbate as much as me then because it's not been a problem yeah but if you have sex dreams I've never had a wet dream

you're missing out dude I've wet the bed that was more of a nightmare when when was this like ten years ago something like that ten years ago i was an adult like piss the bed do you have sex dreams sometimes yeah but in the sex dreams i just make the women come that's so gay dude that's so gay is he imposing in sex dreams yeah that's so gay, dude. That's so gay. Is he even pussy in sex dreams? Yeah, that's so gay.

He has sex dreams where the woman comes, then he pisses the bed, and he wakes up and he goes, oh, she came. It's just piss. It's just piss. You got squirt all over me. What can I do?

Adam, you've weed the bed. Nah. I have another sex dream. You're welcome, dream lady. Crack one out, man. Fuck it, I'll stop cracking him out. Yes, Carl. welcome, lady. Crack one out, man. I'll stop cracking him out. Yes, Carl. Yes, Carl. Son, Alcott, this is my advice.

Go get rejected. Who cares? I said the same thing to Eshaan. Eshaan, congratulations to him. Eshaan just got out of a five-year relationship with some white devil woman and I said, get out of there and fuck these

bitches dude get out there and get rejected get told no who cares it means nothing to you it means nothing about you no means no it means nothing about you that's why i added that really quickly it means nothing about you she's just not into you in this moment in time that's fine that's her prerogative there's another girl out there that will be yeah there's all there's everyone's got their own lady. There's people for everybody. Rejection just means what you decide it means about you. You can come out with me if you want.

I'll teach you that. Put a shirt on. I'll show you how it's done. Yo, real talk. And pants. Real talk. Next time I'm in the UK, if I'm near him, I will wingman for this guy. Yeah.

I'll get you laid with your little alpha dick and I'll tell these hoes. Steve, and we will film it and it will be one of the weirdest patron specials we've ever done. I'm so into this, dude. I love this idea. I'll cash in the alpha cop. You've just got to be careful with women in bars. It's just like... It's like a pioneer. Careful.

They're expecting it too much. Try and fuck them in post offices. No, but like, it's about being delicate, isn in post offices no but like it's about being delicate in it it's like it's like there's something in a cage that you want to surround by fucking security and laser beams and you got to just reach in and grab it yeah that's how women are in bars like it's like something that you'd like a pie let's say you're hungry and you want a pie oh you're doing a you're doing a fucking two pints of lager you absolute rats i'm not you are ref what are you referencing yes you are you've done it before i fucking know

they're referencing a tv show that i don't give a shit about and the only reason i've caught you out is because you've already done it you've fucking rat. We've done four references today. I don't know how close you are, but at least I've caught one ever. Rat. Anyway, grab the pie. It's like rescuing a pie from a cage. Laser beams and security.

Most people hated it, but these loved it. Right, should we do another piece of advice? Yeah, that was fucking class, by the way. Just go out and flirt. Just go out and get better. The more pick-up lines you use, the more comfortably you'll get used to them. He's still going flirt. Just go out and get better. The more pickup lines you use, the more comfortable you'll get. He's still going to jizz in four seconds, though.

So what? Practice. Yeah, but this is more time to come later. Yeah. Yeah, you can come again. You need to put some hours on the training pitch. Have a tactical wank before you go out. Thank you.

As a poo would say, thank you. Come again. Yeah, it all comes full circle, dude. Smooth. All comes full circle, jerk. Also learn to eat pussy. It's an invaluable skill. I got weak dick. A poo says that as well. All comes full circle, jerk. Also learn to eat pussy. It's an invaluable skill. I got weak dick.

I got a weak dick game. My wife don't mind. No, sorry. I have to be fair. Is there like Andrew Collins colleges? You just have a yogurt without a spoon. Isn't it just the older lady that you first have sex with how do you practice eating pussies when I'm asking

you have a yoghurt without a spoon you use that as the clit and then the other bit's just like the open clit I just fucked a dinner lady and she just gave me instructions she took me under her wing bingo wing have a yoghurt, no cutlery

you'll be fucking eating pussy in no time, son. Have a yogurt, no cutlery. This one's been one for the ladies. Hey, you made it to all the ladies out there. Have a yogurt, no cutlery. You've all got yogurts? But you know what I mean, no? I can't do it.

Oh, my God. I do not want to see you do either of them things. You're going in, buddy. You're doing God's work. If your advice is have a yogurt. Have a yogurt, no cutlery. I'm just visualizing what it's like without the yogurt. You know what I mean?

I mean, this guy is feasting. That's on an ass. Oh, my God, dude. And the lid, that's the flaps. Oh my God. On the 12th. Some women have big pussies and you have to lift the stuff out the way.

Next question, Finn. Yeah, next one. They do. Some of them do. Some of them have like hangy out fannies. Oh my God. They do. There's nothing wrong with it. Why are you making all... There's loads of our listeners who've got massive pannies. Oh my God. They do. There's nothing wrong with it.

Why are you making all... There's loads of our listeners who've got massive pussies and you're making them all feel bad now. Yeah. I'm saying I'm all right with it. You're all like, ugh. I agree with Adam. It's just the way you talk about pussies.

What do you mean? Oh, no. It's not that you're wrong. Just be gentle with it. Out the way, love. It's not me you're wrong. Some women have massive cunts. What's wrong with it?

I didn't say the word cunt. Did I? That's you. It's like when you make an am-butty and a little bit of am I didn't say the word cunt. Did I fetch you? It's like when you make an ambutty and a little bit of amangs off the bread. Yeah. All right. Next question, Finn.

Finn, get us off the fannies. So this next one, keep this anon as my wife listens to the podcast. Just give it a name. Steve O'Brien. So a girl from my past reached out a few weeks ago. She was in my eyes, the perfect girl, very alternative piercings and tattoos etc

things of which my wife isn't she tells me that she is married and two kids but is living a shit life she's depressed because she doesn't love her husband she expressed that she should have stayed with me and wished that we'd never lost contact should i stop messaging her and hope things work out for her or what anonymous from northern ireland tell her husband that's fire advice tell her husband that his wife is a dirty dirty cheating bitch yeah absolutely sir i hope this email finds you well yeah your wife is a dirty dirty cheating hope just let her find you in good health does he want to be with her? Well, he's... What was he trying to say there? Why was he trying to say there? He wants to fuck her.

That's why he said she was in my... Yeah, he said she's the perfect girl. So he's kind of... The one that got away. He's settled for some four out of ten vanilla one. And he wants this fucking cherry Pepsi Max, Gail. Oh. From the past.

Cherry Pepsi Max. It's an odd choice of drink. What? Odd choice of drink. It's just like it's exciting in a... She shwebs. And she wants to bang this girl. It's just like it's exciting. She shwebs. And she wants to bang this girl. It's like you've got to tell her husband.

And you're like, hey, she's being a gobshite here. No, you don't. Why do you have to tell her husband? Why would you do that? You fucking rat. Nah, rat, dude. I love that. Does he want to be with her?

Because then he can just be happy. So he's married. She's married. She's on my side here, by the way. He's messaged. And you're like, like yeah even though you've been messaging someone behind your wife's back you should dob her in like a fucking grass oh yeah that's a good point yeah yeah yeah because you've been messaging too i forgot about that part of it

i'll tell your own respective partner and have a happier life you both hate your lives what are you waiting for no i don't know if this guy hates his life. He didn't say that. He thought she was the perfect girl, but she's the perfect girl. She wouldn't be a miserable bitch right now with two kids. Think about that, bro. You gotta think about how... If she's unhappy with her husband and two kids, at the very least, she makes shitty decisions

multiple times. You could just get your wife to get tattoos and get her nipples pierced. Well better. Tattoo your wife, pierce her nipples. When she wakes up, she'll be like, what have you done? You'll be like, shut up. I could have fucked someone else and I didn't. Shut up.

What are you doing? Shut up. You're not going to stop messaging this, Brenda, because I think it's just a world of trouble coming. Yes. World of trouble. Yes. If they're both not happy.

I'm not happy. But he's not saying that. He just misses this girl. He loves the idea of her. But if this is a perfect girl. If they're both not happy. I'm not happy. But he's not saying he's not. He just misses this girl. He loves the idea of her. Yeah, but if this is a perfect girl to you, you're not happy. Just don't stay in a loveless marriage. But he said he's a perfect girl because of physical things. Yeah.

Tattoos and piercings. You fucking idiot. It's not. You don't even have great natural tits. She went to a tattoo parlor twice. And that's the perfect girl. Your wife could be the perfect girl. Is that what I'm saying?

So if it's not, then he should leave her. But if it is, then stop. Also, he's like, these make the woman the perfect girl your wife could be the perfect girl is that's what i'm saying so if it's not then he should leave it but if it is then also he's like these make the woman the perfect girl my wife is not that she's like clean and probably a good mother and oh what a stupid bitch it's crazy just don't stay well you need to start messaging this woman and just accept your life with your ugly wife with no tattoos he doesn't sound like he just he just sounds horny he just wants to fuck something that's different than his wife i think yeah and this ex-girlfriend whose life is shit and it's her fault and she's blaming her husband who's trying to fuck him and ruin his life too you broke up with this girl for oh this is my camera you broke up with this girl for a reason dog she sucks wow yeah and if you're not happy in your relationship end it and move on

yeah or do that be single but just be wary of exes being like hey you know we've both married and we've got kids and you know we've moved on you're well better do you remember my tattoo that said bum my head off sounds girl sucks right on it yeah she sounds awful you're ruining this man's life potentially i mean he'd ruin his own life he He's his own man. Yeah, but you're helping. You're tempting him. He got kids. They're both as bad as each other. Genuinely.

You both are having a bad time. You both need to leave your partners. And you don't need to be together, but you both need to just go off gallivanting for a bit. Right, okay. We've got some confessions to round us off. Easy.

So are the confessions where people write in the worst things they've ever done and we give them some sort of Catholic penance? Like they've got to pay a price? Or sometimes if we don't think it's too bad, we just absolve them and say, don't worry about it. Okay, I'm into this. This is fucking fantastic.

I can't believe Alcock wasn't a confession. He was just asking for advice. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Oh, hey, advice for the guy. I just thought of this. If the married guy, next time you're really horny,

not satisfied with your wife, buy a yogurt, no cutlery, stick your dick in that, go to town, dude. Fuck a yogurt. Yeah. Stick your dick in a munch punch. Yeah.

No, they're kids. They're like, yeah. You can't be shagging a munch punch. You can't be shagging kids with a yogurt. Gotta be like an Alpro. Would you shag a frube? I would with the size of my dick, go. Right, so as always, these are anonymous.

Send them in to haveawordpod at gmail.com if you've got anything to confess. Hi, lads. About three years ago, I was speaking to this girl and after a couple of weeks, she started getting a bit clingy and psycho. After a week of trying to sack her off... Finn, are you writing into your own podcast?

A little bit. After a week of trying to sack her off finna you're writing into your own podcast a little bit uh after a week of trying to sack her off and having none of it i had to come up with a better excuse i ended up telling her my brother had the big c and not long left so wanted to spend his time left together even got him in on it sending her photos of him looking as sick as possible when she continued to ask me about it, I got a mate to text her saying he had died and to leave me alone. I didn't hear from her again. What's my penance? That's fucking incredible.

I love this guy. Your penance is going to be when your brother gets cancer and you go, shit. Do you believe in stuff like that? Do you believe in tempting fate? No, I do not believe in any fate or any higher power or any of this intertwined cosmic nonsense.

But even I would be a bit wary. I'd be like, hey, do you know who's got cancer? My whole family. Leave me be. I'd feel bad. What would you have done to get out of this situation? Just go out feeling it, babe.

Yeah, but then she's like, well, come here, let me drain your balls. And you're like'll go on there oh yeah what do you do then have you got tattoos and piercings my perfect woman have you never broken up with someone that was that's been a bit like clingy and a bit mental yeah when you're younger i think when you're younger you don't know that you're allowed to be like i'm not feeling it it's like when i got old enough to go you are you're like apart from if you've been like if i did it to my wife who've been married for nine years if i just got back from today's recording went los do you know what i'm not feeling it i think there's you know there's more going on yeah

but when you've been seeing each other a month or two you're just allowed to be like do you know what i'm not feeling it and i don't think there's any coming back from that like you can't be like well you should be feeling it you're like like, well, I'm not. But when you're younger, you do get intertwined with like, oh God, what am I going to do? You're allowed to just be like, I'm not into it. Yeah, that makes sense. But if he's a younger guy,

then he's totally wrapped up in the phenomenal nonsense of it. Why are you all looking at each other? I've got a cough. Have you? That's wild, isn't it? To go there. Yeah. To do the photo shoot with his brother.

And he shaved his head, yeah. Also, the brother being like, what's happened? Give me the full context so what how long you been seeing her six weeks clingy cool where are we gonna take the picture i've got you get the manscaped razor out um have you ever before you with your wife yeah did you have any short-term relationships that you needed to end like this or something like that no i was the guy probably the girls are faking cancer with nothing i think about there's a couple dead bitches i need

to check in on me and my alcock dude it's a real thing got me in some jams so is he get he's even getting any penance or is this just i think it's so good that he doesn't get any penance. It's fantastic. The fact that you've got a friend to send the final message. Just to let you know, I'm someone you've never heard from or met before. But leave him be, yeah, because he's mourning. John's dead. Yeah, and don't go to the pubs that he goes to.

And, yeah. Do you just live in the same place? She's going to bump into him. No, you're here. It's back. And you're alive. What's going on here? As long as he introduces his brother

to someone else, he's good. Yeah. Just a friend who looks a lot like me. Yeah. Yeah. I went on lookalikes.com and found one of our John because I missed him so much.

He's back. I think it's that part. That's great. Right. One more to round us off yes yeah right okay uh wag wag lids i've got a confession so i was about 13 and my sister was six she was still learning how to ride a bike and she had stabilizers it's like you finn i don't know uh one day i had to pick her up from her friends to come home and she came out with her bike with her stabilizers

we're going home for tea and i was running alongside her while she was pedaling away for whatever reason i thought i should put my my foot in front of one side of her stabilizers we're going home for tea and i was running alongside her while she was pedaling away for whatever reason i thought i should put my my foot in front of one side of her stabilizers and she flung off the bike and her face slid harder than anything i've ever seen i'm 25 now and she's 17 about to turn 18 i've genuinely got no idea why i did it i feel like a comfort but i got away with it then when i was a kid. Should I say something? Do I deserve penance? So it's an intrusive thought, isn't it? Is she scarred? It doesn't say.

So I think she just got grazes on her face. Ow. What, 20 years ago? No problem. Just assaulting six-year-olds. At the time. You've just got no problem with this whatsoever. Are you assaulted now?

Are they brother and sister? It's horrible. You assaulted your brother when you were young? Only when he was being a little cunt. This is like 12, 15 years later and he's like, I'm still ripped up about this. I think what he means to say

is that he said it was an accident, but he fully did. He just had an intrusive thought. He was like, I'm going to make her fall off her bike. I sympathise with the intrusive thoughts because I get them. You fall off your bike. I do, I get them.

Have you ever assaulted a six-year-old, Akash? No, sadly no. But I will say this. My little sister was like leaning on me one time at like a Burger King. I was kind of annoyed and I was like, I'm going to just get up. And then I got up and then she hit her fucking face

right on the ground. It's the same thing. But everybody knew what I did. So I didn't have to lie about it. You had to deal with it instantly when you got bollocked. Yeah, for sure. We've all assaulted children, as children. Yeah. Have you ever acted

on your intrusive thoughts, though? No, I want to throw coffee in all people's faces all the time. No, I get them a lot. Yeah. I think about murdering old women. Yeah. I think about punching people's heads in. Like. I don't know that's all intrusive thoughts

he's just like a psycho nowadays if I'm walking past an old person I'm like if I kick their right in the chest

now they'd be such a scene yeah fair enough I've had it with my kids when we've walked over a bridge and like

my daughter was young I was like what if I just wazzed her over oh do yeah no my dog of course I was on the

because it's the worst thing you can think of anytime i'm on a high balcony my little dog's six pounds i'm like dude i what if this guy just threw this kid oh he's dead yeah sick boom and then i'm like i move away from the balcony i'm like i'm a fucking psychopath i could know you know but that's a thought dude that's a crazy that's that bill burr bit ever just be driving and then this thing yeah so one of the worst scenes we've seen in years. That's one of my favorite bits ever. So good. So good.

It's even this. Yes. It's just perfect. Just the hand is so good. It's so good. Perfect. A little bit of physicality. Don't tell her what you're going to gain from this.

You're trying to make yourself feel better. And she thinks you're saltier than a child. Okay, but don't tell her, but what penance can we give? You've got to teach 25 children to ride their bikes. That's lovely. Oh. I need a teacher. That's a damn...

You've got to teach Finn to ride his bike. That is actually genuinely quite a good penance. Hang on, I'll just teach children not to ride bikes. You sign up to the B... What's it called? We start a bike ride and I can't be in it for free. Cycling proficiency. Cycling proficiency

is what we call it over here wait wait wait so you've got kids and then it's a bike riding academy and then oh I've got a bike riding

academy to teach kids to ride for free you take your children it sounds like Adam's bike riding academy open Saturday mornings

sounds like a man trying to bring your kids kill kids free munch bunch oh no no no

oh right sorry I thought I was just going to give him a free yoghurt you've made it so bad you've crossed so many lines today

on and off pod really I've enjoyed it that's maybe why I've enjoyed myself so much today it's been good fun but he has to do

something to do with bikes yeah fall off a bike on purpose. Drive your own bike into oncoming traffic. There you go. Yeah, kill yourself. Go to India. There's a charity bike ride

that doesn't help Indians at all. And you can do that. You can join that. He's got to do the Indian bike ride. Is any of the money going to go to India? No. Oh, there you go.

The week after. Yeah, cool, cool. Well, not with y'all. He can't talk. That's a reward. He's a fan. The week after. Yeah, cool, cool. Well, not with y'all. He can't talk. That's a reward. He's a fan. And it's not because you guys, it's because you can't reward this guy.

That's a cool experience for him. He cannot talk to you. And you have to treat him like shit if you see him. And if everyone fell off the bike, you'd be like, he's up to it again. We keep kicking him off his bike. Oh, you kick him off the bike at least once. But not one of you,

because he'd get a cool story out of that. Somebody that's not on camera ever. Just kick him in the fucking ass right while he's riding. He finally got a job for Steezy doing in India. There you go. Yeah. Is any of the money going to India

that we're raising? None of it, dude. None of it. It's going to Zoe's place. No, but I mean, because obviously there's nothing going to India now. Isn't that crazy?

Yeah, that is. Let me go to a much poorer country. I'm the only person that sees this. They've got their own charities. Yeah. But we're going there and going, oh, we're going to do something there and take all the money home.

No, we're doing it because it's hard. The money's being raised here. Yeah, the money's being raised. It's British money. I'm going to Sierra Leone. We're going to mine a bunch of diamonds and then I'm going to take them and sell them to help poor kids and yonkers.

I mean, that's a crazy thing. That's next year. I haven't really thought of that. Maybe we should give a little bit of money to India. No. No.

Okay. Nope. We are going to. We're going to be buying I'm starting a competing charity bike ride. Same day. Like,

we're going to spend money on beers and like curries and that one. We're stimulating the Indian economy. We're having a stag do. That all trickles down to the kids, doesn't it? The amount of unambologies.

That's their government's fault. I'm doing a bike ride, Liverpool to Manchester. I'm going to burn down a bunch of shit while I'm riding and then I'm taking all the money and sending it to India. You can just burn from Warrington onwards. Burn down Ikea. No, don't do that. I love Ikea like this I've been down Ikea and I've written a new novellos no don't do that

why I love Ikea I don't really I'll go there and never back up you love the idea of Ikea yeah yeah

the idea Ikea yeah we're done we've got another podcast to go as well I think we've all had the stroke Akash thanks for coming in

thank you guys for having me tell everyone where they can find you online oh Akash Singh it's A-K-A-A-S-H is how you spell my first name, last name Singh. Y'all know that. Y'all got enough Asians. And

that's my YouTube. That's my Twitter. That's my everything. AkashSingh.com. Tour dates up there. Thank y'all. I love the UK so far, man. Thank y'all for having me. Wonderful. My tour is currently on a break. Starts again on the 18th of January in Maidstone, which I believe is sold out. The first weekend is sold out.

Ireland, loads of dates. Tickets left for all of the dates in Ireland. And the big one at the Arena. There's also some extra shows that have just been added in Blackpool, Durham, Leeds, Huddersfield, Cardiff. There's loads of new dates at adamrow.co.uk. Go and check them out, please. I'm doing Dan Nightingale and Fiends next year.

I'm taking some of my very funny mates out on tour on what is essentially going to look like a club comedy night with me comparing so I'm not doing the proper tour I'm just going to have an absolute fuck around with some very funny people Eshan's doing a few of the shows, Mike Rice we've got Mark Nelson, Kai Humphries check all the dates for this

at dannightingale.com we've sold a chunk of tickets already because people have been buying early Christmas like late Christmas presents so these are going to sell out and I'm really looking forward to it

Finlay we've got a song if you want your songs played finlay at haveawoodnetwork.com send a bit about your music and that

this week we've got Brandon Charles and this is his tune called Room Akash that's been quality, mate. Thank you very much. Thank you guys for having me, mate. See you guys. Appreciate it.

It seems the way Is much shorter than I see it now To get to its end Is far away for me to know how Beside me There's a lot going past it's hard

not to turn your head to it when it's not worth looking out for I feel it shapes the way we live and breathe a little bit

cause you can run away but this world still runs along with you and I so I'll stay right here and trade the old ways in for the new. I need you to see, I need some room to breathe. This anticipation grows ever so wide I can step right through it and shut these eyes

Until this weight becomes more lighter Cause you can run away Until this weight becomes more lighter Cause you can run away but this world still runs along with you and I hurt you So I'll stay right here and trade the old ways in for the new They need you to see I need some room to breathe Still these are the words of one Doesn't think he's done it all But who is he to even say That 21 years gone away He shouldn't have had it before Maybe I'm just a fool in debt with the way he's had things set Cause you can run away But this world still runs along with you

So I'll stay right here And trade the old ways in for the new But need you to see I need some room to breathe I need some room to breathe I need some room to breathe you