Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #257 with Oobah Butler - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 1, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, Sensei Carl's Big Fat Quiz and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastOobah Butlerhttps://twitter.com/oobahshttps://instagram.com/oobahsADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, lids? How are we? Before we go into this week's absolutely brilliant episode of Have A Word, I've got a few things to tell you about. First of all, as of 18th of January next year, I am back on tour all day to adamro.co.uk, including the M&S Bank Arena on Saturday the 18th of May. But the big stuff, if you've been a listener for a while, surely you already know about this.

We have got the biggest Patreon membership in the UK for a reason, starting at just three quid a month at patreon.com slash have a word pod. What do they get, Daniel? Well, they get an exclusive, a Patreon exclusive

every Wednesday video and audio which is just the lads an hour, an hour and a half of unfiltered, unadulterated have a word bullshit.

Early access to these public episodes and the piece de resistance, the reason we're the biggest in the game is their Patreon specials. Every single month you get a special. So we've got, Early access to these public episodes. And the pièce de résistance, the reason we're the biggest in the game, is their Patreon specials. Every single month you get a special.

So we've done two Go stunts. We've done an uncountable amount of lock-ins. I mean, I could count it if I could be arsed, but I'm not going to do that right now. Been to Nashville for the absolute three-part epic. We've been to Amsterdam. We've done a restaurant special. There's just so much. There's like 25 Patreon specials.

It's the reason we are the biggest Patreon in the UK. And there's a brand new one every single month. And the ones in 2024 that we've got planned are bigger than anything we've ever done before. Go and sign up now at patreon.com slash have a word pod. And even from just three quid a month, you get all of the content. And there's more benefits if you sign up for five or 10 quid.

See it on the other side. Enjoy the episode. We've already recorded it. And it was the other side. Enjoy the episode. We've already recorded it and it was on 4K and Braille, so... Wag Wag Leeds, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn.

This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomers. Go, Ed. Get on me. Happy New Year. Is it? This goes out New Year, doesn't it? Nope.

Nope. 30th. Patreons for the Patreons. Oh, it's in and around there, isn't it? No, for everyone else, it's the first, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Oh, right. People who we love are the Patreons. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, end of christmas happy goochmas happy goochmas and what were you called it before then and uh happy new year muscle tough happy hanukkah it's always mad when we come in to do one of these where we've already recorded

the next section in the past because like the the dynamics off but the the last two sections coming up i can't believe what happened. You are not going to believe what happened in the second section. Whoa. Tune in. I mean, keep tuning in. What did you get for Christmas, babe?

I got the last two sections. That was my gift. Wow. That's all I needed. By the way, it was actually a good section. We're not being facetious. Oh, yeah. Oobla-dee-oobla-da.

Uber butler. Yeah. Fucking brilliant, mate. I can't wait. Honestly, you'll enjoy it. This is going to be nice. He's dead sound as well. We went for some points.

Oh, did you? Well, he went to the Liverpool game that night and we went for our staff meal and I met him in the pub afterwards and we had a good few... Oh, nice. Gin eyes. Anyway.

Is that the plural of Guinness? Gin eyes, yeah. Gin eyes? A few gin eyes. You fucking guinea pig. You haven't gin eyes tonight? Are you staying overnight? On the Guinness?

No, no, no. I wanted to A few gin eyes. You fucking guinea pig. You haven't gin eyes tonight? Are you staying overnight? On the gayness? No, no, no. I wanted to, but after Bongo's bingo, I had the kind of night out that needs a good couple of weeks breathing space. Yeah. And everyone's a bit- Your ball and chain getting on at you? Ah.

Winging? Yeah. Know what she is like? What's she like? I mean, she is a patron of this podcast. And this is a public episode, so- Stop having fun without me. So she basically hates me earlier.

You know what she's like. Raise your children. Fuck off. I'm trying to manage my addictions. You're making it boring. Now, everyone's a bit run down, but I honestly, I thought I was going to have that bongos bingo night out the Friday before Christmas christmas which by the way i thought was mad friday i'll give you

that car it was not it was slightly mental but it wasn't full the awful mad friday vibes that i've seen having said that i wasn't in a comedy club but i went so hard till silly o'clock i out drank jack finnegan and that's a bad sign i was best friends with a lad i've never met called phil hi phil good lad i was like we could be friends that one of the you know when you get little snapshots i i have last minute of the night out before it was like the end and the teddy stays open very late. At one point I was like, I know you're only 27, but we could be best friends.

I also have a memory of him going, you do well with the ladies, don't you, Phil? Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, God. I've got to fuck. God, it's making me cringe. I was literally like,

I know it'll be unconventional, but we could be best friends. So I woke up the next morning... He was sound, by the way. I really liked him. As we were talking about before we started recording, I've got the biggest memory blank that I've ever had from any night out from that night.

Like, from the second round of bingo onwards, I've got nothing apart from two little flashbulb memories. I woke up the second game, second round of bingo onwards, I've got like nothing apart from two little flashball memories. I woke up the next morning and I had two WhatsApp messages from Molly McCann, meatball Molly McCann. Oh my God. Totally forgot. Go on.

So I'm like, right, what the fuck? Like what's going on? I'm so like disorientated Go on. So I'm like, right, what the fuck? Like, what's going on? I'm so, like, disorientated. Like, and I'm in bed. And I look at my phone, and it's just a picture of you and meatball Molly McCann. And it just says, you do you, lad. I've got our mate here.

He's sound. Don't worry about him. And I was like, right, okay. That was at five o'clock in the morning. And then the next message from her just says, I hope your foot's better, right? So I'm there not remembering any of how I got home. And I was like, oh my God, what's happened to me foot?

Is that why I'm home and Dan's still out? Because there's no way Dan normally stays out longer than me. Have I done me foot in? So I go out me bed and was in me bedroom going. I'm like, it doesn't seem to be anything wrong with me foot. So I text Molly back and I was like, oh, did you have a good night, Mel? She was like, yeah, yeah.

How's your foot again? And I was like, what did I do to me foot? And she goes, I've just checked me Instagram. It's another Adam. But I was like dancing around my bedroom, testing me feet out. Cause I thought I'd like broke me ankle or something. I honestly thought I'd gone,

why is Adam not here? He's got gout. So he's losing a foot. So we got to Teddy's and you know, when you go, like we went out for a drink. I can't even remember who was in tow at this point but i i just remember jack finnegan all night being my bezo and um we went upstairs

for a drink and then went downstairs and you know when you just like i'm on it flying i'm having a great time and you go down you're like straight onto the dance floor and like got onto the dance floor and then just sort of looked up you know there's like the dj it's not much of a stage area but like it was like molly mccann was the mc like like i don't she wasn't djing she was just sort of like behind the barrier fucking hyping everyone up and you know and you're like why is molly mccann and i'm here soann here? So it was this weird moment where sort of as we went to the front, she spotted me. And there's all these people.

She's dead famous in Liverpool. I mean, she's dead famous anyway, but she's very famous in Liverpool. And she's just, like, hyping everyone up and then just locks eyes with me and goes, Oh, lad. And she did it. Obviously's molly mccann she's hard as fuck so everyone once she goes lad like that everyone goes oh fuck what's that because she thinks it's about to kick off like oh my molly mccann came down she's sort of mc

teddies and then she just swatted some random kid in the middle of the dance floor and it was me and then some people know who i am some people't. You could see people's head fall off. They were like, oh my God, it's him. It was a weird moment. She was great. It was quality. I can hear her saying that as well. I still don't know why she was there.

I was like, why are you here? She was like, because it's class. I was like, cool. She's got a fight next year. She better fucking tighten up. Yeah, well, that's what I said to her, Carl. I really fucking ruined the mood. It's massive if it's Christmas, girl.

Carl says tighten up, and adam says his legs better what did you get for christmas uh well no you don't get anything you don't i got things for the house i respectfully disagree my dad got me some calvin klein golf shoes wow Wow DJ users If only there was a course open A Christmas bunk on the bow ring They're TJ's bastards aren't they They're TJ's Bastards

Bloody Calvin Klein these Good name Match your boxer shorts Have you got Yeah Spiked Oh that's good innit So you get your grip Yeah Have you worn them around the offshard No have you got yeah spiked oh that's good isn't it

so you get your grip yeah I've worn it before as well have you worn them around the elf shed no I'm gonna save them for golf

no that's bad for the laminate you got me a a golf glove as well Calvin Klein yeah and he told me from your birthday

he's getting me a pan so Calvin Klein that's so fucking ill if he gets you a calvin climb there's a limit of what tj hughes can do uh yeah i didn't get i can't remember not i didn't get loads what did i get no fine loads of nice stuff i don't know i don't know i gotta do fine that's sick though yeah but you got a lot you got an air fly though. Yeah, but it's not for me, is it? I've got an air fryer. It is for you.

It's not for me. Did you get the Ninja Pro? Ninja bastard like. It's your house. It is my house. You don't live for your man anymore. It's your house, it's yours. It's a ninja bastard.

It's well good, isn't it? I haven't used it yet. I just, when you want little, when you want chippies in the house, get them in there. Yeah, I'm excited to use it. McCain fries, the actual thin cut fries in an air fryer and then get some you know um nando sell the perry salt in a little shaker it's honestly better than nando's chips okay i'm excited i'm excited it's a good gift off me mum like very good yeah i've got

some aftershave some we had we had a brief didn't we for our gifts so yeah it was easier than usual oh she got you some milky way chews oh my god you got i meant to say something something milky bar chews mate milky bar chews yes what a woman i mentioned them once she is a phenomenal woman she is a phenomenal woman i've said it and she all the things she got me i was like that's the best thing you got me a box of like a bag of milky bar chews unbelievable i'm halfway through them there's about 100. what did you do on christmas day who did you do on Christmas Day? Who did you have over, or was it just you and the kids now?

It's all you need, isn't it? No, it was my brother-in-law, Sam, who lives in Sheffield, who was with us for the lockdown. We went and rescued him for the lockdown, so we love him to bits, he's great. Laura's sister, Becky, used to do Christmas with us, love her to bits. She's honestly like my sister.

I love her. But she's not done the last few Christmases. My mate, Claire, hasn't got a family. So she's with us. And Dean and Amy weren't doing anything for Christmas. So we were like, do you want to just come and do Christmas Day? Oh, that's it. So we had Dean and Amy.

And they've got sausage dogs. And it made my kids Christmas. Like, if you ask them what was the best bit of Christmas, they'll be like, those wicked little fucking dogs. So we had just a mad Christmas day of basically the lost and found. And it was nice. Sick. What do you do on Christmas, Finn?

Because you've got a very Christmassy, like, sort of heritage, haven't you? Have I? Yeah, the Muslim side. St. George's from Turkey, wasn't he? Yeah. Santa's Turkish, I'm pretty sure. Santa's Turkish. St. George is from Turkey, wasn't he? Yeah. Santa's Turkish, I'm pretty sure. Santa's Turkish.

St. George is Turkish. That dragon on the Welsh flag probably started to do with Turkey. Santa's Turkish? Yeah. Is he? Yeah. Wild.

I know. Mental. His full name is Nicholas Mitt. No, ours is they're boring now. They're boring now. It's just four of us.

Who's the four? My mum, me, my brother and my sister. Carbo-Cosas with Poirot. She did get, for her secret Santa, she got, from work, she got an apron that's Poirot. Who's listening to your mum's work? Is there loads of people listening?

There's two of them. What's happening? That's enough, innit? That's enough of mischief. What's happening to the people who are listening? What are they called? I can't remember. He doesn't like it.

Is that bad? No, well, they're sound. They gave your mum a Poirot present. What is it? An apron. An apron, yeah. That's because she used to... Like, my Xbox name is Son of an Apron

because in school, that was what my mum was known for, was just wearing aprons. On the school dropout. Bounce a lot. You're my way, jeans lad. Son of an apron. You're my way, I've always got shoes on,

you stupid bitch. Be a tough one, I've said that one. Ah, it's boring. And you had like 17 families. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Did you cook?

Yeah, we both cooked. No, that's not done. Did you cook? Yeah, we both cooked. No, that's not what I asked. No, yeah, we both cooked. So what was your process for your meat? What did you do? Double teamed it. So we went to buy a turkey on the day before Christmas Eve and it was £85 in Tesco for a crown.

For what? A croon. What's a crown? Turkey crown. It's the main bit of the turkey without all the giblets and legs and shit. 85 quid? That's all just shoving up an arse.

I got a gammon and a beef. Would you get it cheaper if you bought it earlier? You have to pre-order it and shit, but even then it's still expensive. Right. If you hold your nerve and go on Christmas Eve, they drop in price dramatically. But there's a risk you might be having cheese on toast

for Christmas. Yeah, but you're not, because there's always a surplus of turkeys. Right, right, right. Dan, what were you eating? People always say that. There's always a surplus of turkeys at Christmas. Hold your nerve at Christmas.

We slow cooked the gammon the day before. Oh yeah. In some Coke. Yeah. Lovely. Excuse me? Cooked it in Coke. Coca day before. Oh, yeah. In some Coke. Yeah. Lovely. Excuse me? Cooked it in Coke. Coca-Cola.

All of a sudden, gammon's seeming even better. I'll tell you what Laura really enjoyed. Six o'clock on Christmas Eve when I went, do you know what? I'd like a gammon. You know I like gammon. And she nearly lost her fucking mind. Are you trying to order meat on Christmas Eve? And then she did the beef

on christmas that was her remit she tiktoked it all and then we did all the veg and stuff together in the gravy and that was fucking sad and then i did i ate about fucking two bites of it because because you were stressed hosting yeah and when you've cooked it all you've looked at it you just i don't know i just got i'm a bit like that like i i didn't eat a lot of me christmas dinner this year yeah yeah you just do it for the love of cooking well yeah like also like i i didn't eat a lot of me christmas dinner this year yeah yeah you just do it for the love of cooking well yeah like also like my dad and my little brother don't have a proper meal between the 25th of december and the 24th of december like they're incapable of any sorts of cooking i cook for them once a year and it's christmas day so if i it's like a soup kitchen

come on for my line if any other day if any year I go I'm not doing it this year my dad's having like crisps for his Christmas dinner mate we should we should spend Christmas together

oh my god hey we've got a multi-pack Merry Christmas we did a chicken this year I had to slightly overcook it which was really annoying me roasties were probably

the best ones I've ever done Christmas time why did you have to slightly overcook your chicken so was really annoying. Me roasties were probably the best ones I've ever done Christmas time. Why did you have to slightly overcook your chicken? So, you know, on your oven, there's a rubber seal that goes around the edge of your oven that keeps all the heat in and means you can regulate the temperature. Well, that decided to snap off on Christmas morning. Yes.

So I had no idea, really, what temperature the oven was. Oh, because it was pissing heat. Yeah. So I had to just, like, judge it, and it meant the chicken was a bit dry, so what I did was was because it was pissing heat so I had to just judge it and it meant the chicken was a bit dry so what I did was to make it moist again before I placed it up I soaked it in the gravy so that it'd soak up some of the gravy juices

did you use that baster? no, God knows where that is we had 8 people and it was exhausting and I slept like a bastard and then at 6 o'clock I went to the pub and met Jack Finnegan. Had my dad with me. And just had 10 pints in the pub.

In the most atmospheric setting. Pogues on Christmas night, mate. Oh, what an absolute gaffe. People you haven't seen. Are they ever closed? Do they close? They don't close, do they? They close there.

They open six till midnight on Christmas day. Pogues is amazing, isn't it? And it's always bouncing. Oh, it was awful, wasn't it? It was too busy. It was a perfect level of busy, though. And people who I haven't seen for like six months are just turning up going,

oh, do you know that lad? Like just good people you haven't seen for days. Everyone's in a good mood. They've had a good day. They're now happy to be away from their families that they don't really like. Oh, what a fucking wonderful little atmosphere. Loads of guineas. What did you eat, Dan? They're now happy to be away from their families they don't really like. Oh, what a fucking wonderful little atmosphere.

Loads of guineas. What did you eat, Dan? That's what everyone wants to know. I had a McMorrison's pizza. A McMorrison's pizza? A McMorrison's pizza. Yeah, drove up to the borders. You had a pizza.

I did, yeah. I would love a pizza. I mean, I would have liked a Caspian, but I've been eating a lot of takeaway. Oh, by the way, the bozhan was open Christmas night as well. Oh, unbelievable. I ate more from the bozhan than I did from the Christmas dinner.

Did you have Christmas Chinese? No, the bozhan's like a kebab mitt. Oh, is it? I got the cheeseburger mitt with red salt on my chips. Best kebab in the UK. Three years running. Check the walls.

Mitt. I think they might have printed that out for themselves. That was in the paper. Oh, the paper? Was it in the Echo? Oh, sorry, baby. What pizza did you have on Christmas Day? I'd have liked a boat on, to be honest. What did you have? I just had a pizza.

Do you know how annoying that is? Because my wife didn't get me a gammon. With one or two hours notice. You've made this sort of argument for years now, going, oh didn't get me a gammon. Yeah, that's fine. With two hours notice. You've made this sort of argument for years now, going, oh, it's me tradition. I have me nachos. And now you're not even doing your tradition.

You're just willy-nilly having whatever you want. Something's not a roast dinner. Just grow up. You like a roast dinner now. You do. Just don't have your gravy on it. That's why I asked. I asked for one.

What pita did you have? What meat did Lord have? Just a salami one. A salami? The brown one. Beef? Beef, yeah, yeah? The brown one. Beef? Beef, yeah, yeah. The brown one.

Can we have the brown meat? The really brown one. Because lambs are brown, but not as brown. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then there's the white. There's two white ones.

Chicken. Yeah, there's a big white one. Pork as well. Pork's a bit whiter. Yeah. I mean, it's still classed as a red meat, but it is white, really. Yep.

Well, she did loads of cooking. She's fucking smashed it this Christmas. I've done jack shit. Do you get away with that? Do you have to be looking after the kids? Mate, I don't know how. I don't think I'll ever get away with doing as little as I've got away with this Christmas.

Because she just wants... I can't help with the cooking, because I'm, like, culinary-wise full special needs. Me too, but I just do as I'm told in the kitchen. I am your assistant chef. He's not capable of even doing that, though. Oh, really? Yeah.

Yeah. No, hang on. Hey. On the Christmas special we're talking about? Yeah. I mean, I was doing a lot of that on purpose. Can you cut things? Not cocaine.

What? Can you cut things? No, he can't. You can't cut. Should have seen him trying cut things no he can't you can't cut should have seen him trying to peel potatoes I was doing it for the banter

I was using a spoon or something no he was using a peeler and getting it wrong you've never seen a double peel it's efficient mate yeah

he had two peelers I was trying to like he thought this would be quicker what do you say weaponize weaponized incompetence yeah I have's weaponized incompetence oh yeah i've absolutely weaponized in my house marriage therapy sentence if i've ever had one oh i have 100 you are the you are the sensei of it the master no i'm not

you sound just like that fucking stupid woman went from couples therapy years ago she was wrong as well bitch she was she went for couples therapy years ago. She was wrong as well, bitch. She was? She went for couples therapy years ago, yeah. I don't know about that. We've spoken about that. Probably. I know maybe we haven't because it was a bit real back then. Do you know what?

And even if we have, I've forgotten about it. There'll be 400 people going, fucking hell, fifth time we've talked about this. After this, Dan, we'll do you when you were a red coat. Kessingland Beach? Yeah. No, no, I remember that. I'm not telling you that story.

What? Go on. We don't have to do these when did you I mean obviously it wasn't a nice period Dan so be careful the first time I ever the first time I moved in

I don't need to be careful it's the half a word podcast fuck the first time I ever moved in with a girl we started having problems after we moved in together but we decided that

because we'd moved in together that meant, we started having problems after we moved in together, but we decided that because we'd moved in together, that meant that we sort of wanted to be together enough. And we were so sure before we moved in. And also, 12-month contract, so you've got to work on it. So we were like, right, we'll go. I had to be talked into it. And then, yeah, it's just like having a referee. Right.

But like a ref, like, yeah. A biased referee. It felt a bit like, yeah. A biased referee. It felt a bit biased, yeah. But I won. Yeah, and you got the certificate. It's up in both. Three takeaway of your Adam best art therapy. He put it up himself.

Yeah, it's just like having a referee. You go in and go, right, I've done this. She's done this. Who's wrong? And she goes, well, actually, no one's wrong. Everyone's feelings are valid. But Adam, you you win and that's how that went shortest session ever you know you should stay together just because you're the winner oh wow i think higher dan i think higher would you have would you never go for couples therapy you and laura

what would you never go for a couple of celery mate honestly so I had to read it just because I knew I had to read it just because I knew you'd read it for the audio listeners Dan has a jumper on that says think higher on the front what's on the back Adam

think higher again and also the words stay connected you've got to stay connected that's what we do think higher again and also the word stay connected oh but you've got to stay connected yeah you're into that's what we do think higher stay connected

where's that from uh stinks of Zara or H&M though ASOS it stinks of your what do you what do you ever do

couples therapy eh you never do it if it leads to me getting more pussy that's sex therapy but I don more pussy. That's sex therapy. But I don't think. What?

That's sex therapy. We need a sex therapist, do we? Yeah. You've seen the pornos. You end up banging them as well. That'd be good. You bang them first. And then they wake up and go, whoa.

Wake up. This is hypnotising. Yeah. I had to put Sudocrem on my dick this Christmas. That's a low point. Why? I just wanked myself silly over a period of two days. I think I had about five wanks in two days

and my little lad was like... Your house was full? Whoa, your dick. What? What? When? What day? I think it was in and around Bongo's bingo.

What do you mean? I didn't have guests in my bed. I can still wank if there's guests in the house. You cannot leave Christmas dinner early with sausage dogs running around downstairs with your children to go upstairs and pull your foot. Oh. No, it was after the Bongo's bingo.

The next day? Yeah. Hangover wanking? Yeah. Five? Because I had some. In one day? That's normal for me. Friction Baincock? Yeah. Hangover wanking. Yeah. Five. Because I had some. In one day? That's normal for me, like.

Friction, burn, cock. Yeah. On the sides. But it's whenever I have the supplements, I get very like. You haven't had the split, have you? What? The banjo?

No. No. This was just. No, not that split. The split on like the. Will's nodding. We've all had the split. Friction, burn on your cock.

But it's split. It like splits and like stings. Ah. You've all had to split friction bend on your car but it's split like splits and like stings to fuck you've never had that my my dick looked like it had fallen off a motorbike onto gravel like it it's got that so i had to sue the creme my penis how fast were you going who's the main guy just say what's his name rossi paulo rossi yes paulo rossi Who's the main guy? Just say his name. Rossi.

Paolo Rossi. Yeah, it's Paolo Rossi. It's just a real low point. Pseudogram, yeah. Where you have to go, Laura, where's the pseudogram? She's like, why? Jack's not sore.

I've wanked myself, silly. She's so good. She's like, well, of course you have. I don't need a sex therapist. I just need my children to sleep normally and leave everyone alone. And then my wife will be getting down to Poom Town.

Apart from that, she's fucking brilliant. My Poom. But apparently it's healthy to go to therapy before you need it, innit? What? Apparently it's healthy to go to therapy before you need it. Oh, right, cool. And I'll get antibiotics before I'm ill.

No invention is better than the cure. Yeah. Be good anyway. You know, make hay while the hay's there. Therapy anyway. You know, make hay while the hay's there. Therapy's like condoms. Make hay while the hay is there. What's the saying? That famous saying.

Make hay while you've already made hay and then you've got fucking loads of hay. Therapy's like condoms. No point in putting a condom on after you've got AIDS. And that's... So betterhealth.com. That's the catchphrase they've been putting it in the copy

right okay cool so I've got to go to therapy to not get AIDS I'll tell Laura that relationship AIDS Laura I'm going to pull my own dick off there's only so much pseudocrime you just go in and tell the therapist everything she's doing and then you just leave

and you're happier because you've got it all out what does she do she doesn't do loads she does something though because you used the word loads you didn't say she doesn't do nothing tell us dan i'll be your therapist what's she doing that's nice um come on finn you can be laura Laura. Hi. Laura's got special needs now. I don't want things with Laura. She's been in a motorbike crash as well, I think. We're done. Also, she's looking cute today in her little fucking Christmas jumper. What a slut.

Laura's Turkish as well. Everything's Turkish. You've come off a tandem bike and Dan's hair's a stick and Laura's got a fucking brain image. Hello. Why are you in therapy? I've lost my wife.

She's not the same anymore since the crash. I don't know what to do. She should have worn a helmet. It's always good to wear the helmet before the crash. Now we've put it on afterwards. She's fucked. And she's got AIDS. You know why?

Because she didn't go to therapy. Listen. Go on, therapy. Going to couples therapy, I think is a very Ewan Seneca thing, actually. She's mentioned it before, yeah. Has she, yeah. She said when we get married, she'd like to do marriage therapy.

There you go. Why don't you just piss money up the wall, guys? You're the best couple I've ever seen. Yeah, we want to stay there. What the fuck are you talking about? Michael Jordan still went to practice. Mayweather, yeah. Yeah, he was going to the gym every day.

Mayweather, he used to say, make hay if you've got fucking loads of hay already and the garage is full of hay. Make more hay. You know what? You can never have enough hay. Look at Manchester United. They got to the top.

They didn't build properly. Tumbling down. Build while you're at the top, baby. Keep the foundation solid. Your marriage isn't 1990s, noughties, Man United. You're fine. You're flying. We're fucking bars.

2002, Brazil. 2007, Barcelona, mate. We're heavy. And we always will be. You don't want to go from R9 to Richarlison, do you? No, these analogies work. We're 2007 Portsmouth. What do you think about that?

Nico Cruncher. Financial problems. We've won the cup, but there's an old cockney geezer who wants to live on the coast. What are we talking about? Linroy Primus. Lin-Roy. Lin-Roy.

Lin-Roy. Is he Asian now? It's Lin-Roy Primus from China. What's he called? Lin-Roy Primal. Lin-Roy Prime. Lin-Voy. Lin-Voy.

Primus. What a centre. What an absolute specimen. Yeah. I can see yous doing that. She has mentioned it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's the type of thing that... What the fuck was that? Have you been smoking? Crack. I'm not well. It's the type of thing women can bring up, but men can't. Do you know what I mean?

Like a woman going to a man going, look, I think we should do couples therapy. It'll keep her strong. Men will be like, right, okay, I'm not really into it, but I'll have to do it. If you went to Seneca and was like, we we should do couples therapy, it'll keep us strong. Men will be like, right, okay, I'm not really into it, but I'll have to do it. If you went to Seneca and was like, we need to do couples therapy,

she'd be like, what have you been doing? Yeah. Be very suspicious. Yeah, yeah. But she also makes wishes to the moon, so I think she'd probably be up for it. You trying to have a go at Seneca? I'll show her this.

She'll be fine with it. I'll show her. Because I respect and like her, and it's vice versa. I can also say vice versa but me and lymphoid prime force and wishing you don't need therapy mate you're absolutely what listen to what we're saying oh finn why don't you start getting couples therapy you haven't met someone that you're in a relationship with, that's fucking knobhead thinking. Make hay before hay exists.

Put the helmet on in the back. Make hay before you're on the farm. You haven't got a farm? Well, make hay so that when you've got a farm, you've already got hay. You fucking prick. It's the kind of thing that Linvoy Privus would think as well.

You're making stupid, though, innit? Because when you've been through, like, a breakup, you are supposed to go to therapy before you get in a new relationship because you're meant to fix the problems you've got for when you get in a new relationship. So it's not couples therapy because you're not in a couple, but you are meant to go on your own so that you fix it.

Mm-hmm. Okay, Adam, thanks for that advice. Okay, I'll take that advice from you, Adam Rowe. That's good advice. God, why does that taste in my mouth feel so salty? I don't know what it is, but you must be right. Are you still going to therapy? Yeah.

Are you going to? Are you winning? Yeah, it's a score draw. Can I just say, you're quarterbacking this winning? Yeah, I'm... It's a score draw most weeks. Can I just say, you're quarterbacking this episode brilliantly. I'm enjoying watching it. Call an audible. It's a score draw most weeks.

Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Is she bagging you? Is it a one-one? Yeah, yeah. No one wins. It's got to be a one-one if you're a man. Fucking Finn's life.

No one wins. Because I think if you go to therapy as a man and the therapist's a man, this is certainly how it would work for me. It'd just be like, I'm not letting this fucking cunt have anything on me. Do you know what I mean? You're in competition with all men.

As a man, you're in competition with all other men at all other times in every possible aspect of your life. How handsome you are, what you smell like, how good you are in bed, how much money you make. You're in a competition with every other man. And I can't be there telling this other fella all me problems because in my head he's going,

yeah, but I know he's thinking, fucking Muppet. I can't have that. I can't have that. Your life must be knackering. Yeah, you know what? I've got one over on him, but I've not had a shower and he knows. Look at him. My therapist is sniffing me. Yeah, fucking hell.

4-1. I'm fucking right, by the way. That dynamic is there and you'd be exactly the same. Yeah, I do get it, yeah. Like, he'd be there going, so tell us about your week and I'd just be telling him

all the sick things I've done. I went skydiving. Did you read it on sale? Scuba diving. Fuck, you read it on sale? You ever do instead of being in an arena? You soft cunt. No, I don't think so.

Yeah, write that down, you fucking prick. Yeah, and I've got a big dick as well. I'm having a good cock week, mate. That's how my week's going. How about that? Okay, okay. That's therapy. How does that make you feel?

Constant competition. How did you feel when your mum died? I was fine with it. I loved her. And I do miss her. But I was fine with it. I took it on my shoulders. That's what I did.

I was strong. Do me no damage. Now me i'm fine yes sometimes i cry i had a male therapist like in uni earlier yeah and you didn't want to tell him the truth in case he sat there like because you think he's texting his mates just had that fucking minging again that's therapy with a man if you haven't got your therapist in a headlock by the end of the session, you are not fucking doing therapy, right? Who's the daddy?

Who's the daddy? I don't cry about my mum. Don't even fucking dare sniff that pit. What's it smell like? Fucking yeah, tobacco and vanilla. I win. Yeah, you're unconscious now. Who's crying about your ma?

One nil. One nil. I'm right. You are right, actually. Adam. You're always right. Like, when it's a woman, you trust her to be sensitive with your feelings.

You're not trying to blag her, though? No. When it's a woman, you just... Lying in the night. Yeah, y'all, I fell on my dick today. It's too big. No. I'd be doing that with a man.

Not because I'm trying to fuck him. To make him jealous. I want him writing everything down going, I'm nowhere near as good as this lad. He's got a bigger dick and he's using radars. So the point we're making is betterhelp.com. I'm gonna put them on sponsors today. If they are, they're the next sponsor.

Make sure you smell good, even though it's over Zoom. I need a fucking Lemsip. Let's have a break, yeah? How are we? Oof-ah. Fenway. Hello. Beautiful Fenway with his nice Christmas jumper on.

Show off on your jumper. It's not Christmassy, but it just, it looks like... I bought this. It's just that nice. Marks and sparks. You've been sleeping. It's not Christmassy, but it just looks like... I bought this. It's just dead nice. Marks and sparks. You've been sleeping? What's going on? Christmas has done you really well.

I've really not been sleeping. Have you been off the old devil's cabbage? Huh? You've put on weight. You don't look like it. Everyone knows it's Christmas. It's Christmas. What have you been at?

You've been at the Lindor. I did get two boxes of Lindoror and then one and a half down. Oh, love. Hello, Bob. It's Lindor. Hello, Martin. I watched that the other night. I watched Little Britain

to go to sleep the other night. To go to sleep? Yeah. You've got to have something on to go to sleep, otherwise you're left with your brain. Yeah, but naughty is racism. Yeah.

It's the best kind. It is good, like. Right. Should we give some advice? Yeah. Oh, my God, we kind. It is good, like. Right, should we give some advice? Yeah. Oh, my God, we should. Shouldn't we? I am Adam.

I'm here to help. Here to help. I'll solve your problems. I'll tell you the best thing to do. What's your go-to problem at Christmas? Food-wise. What's your, like, sweetie that you're like, oh, the regret?

Um. Shouldn't regret anything. No? Food-wise. What's your, like, sweetie that you're like, oh, the regret. I try to buy my brother-in-law about a kilogram of gluten-free sweets, and then while I was shopping for them on Amazon, sort of had a bit of a brain fart and bought a kilogram of vegan-friendly sweets, which isn't the same thing. So I had to eat them all. What kind of animal is a gluten? had to eat them all. What kind of

animal is a gluten? What? What kind of animal is a gluten? Love a fern of roccia, you mean? Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Dairy Milk Marvelous Creations. I did have a full big bar of that to myself last night at like 11 o'clock. Unbelievable. I wonder why I'm not sleeping.

I'm having me bedtime chocolate. Can't get off. Right, this is from Charlie. Lids, I need some big life advice. I'm a solicitor working in Manchester and my job is absolutely cushy. I've paid off my mortgage, have a family that I provide for comfortably

and my friends all think I'm successful. The massive problem is I hate it all. It was always my mum's ambition for me to be a solicitor and not mine. And now I feel like I want to throw it all it was always my mum's ambition for me to be a solicitor and not mine and now i feel like i want to throw it all away and take up my real passion of becoming a jazz musician don't do it but i've always wanted to learn the saxophone but life has got in the way. And now I feel like my family are too reliant on me for me to pursue my passion.

What should I do, boys? You cannot. Father, father, will we go skiing again this winter? Not on my jazz wedges. Go on, sorry. That's it. What should I do, boys? Oh, Lord.

This isn't the movies. You're not going to make it. You're going to end up... Do you know what? No. Let's not shit on this man's dreams. Why are we being like this? Let's just say this.

How about, how about, just as an interim solution, how about some saxophone lessons? Yeah. Maybe try and take a Friday afternoon off. You know, because you earn 150 grand a year.

Maybe just take a Friday afternoon off, finish up a because you earn 150 grand a year. Maybe just take a Friday afternoon off, finish up at lunchtime, and go and have jazz Fridays where you go and you spend a couple of quid on a lesson, and she's like, oh God, he's special. Is that fair? You've got to go up the gears. To be a jazz musician,

professionally, you've got to be surely doing it for X amount of time to get paid to wear it. I think you've got to be able to play an instrument. Jazz musicians may be the hardest kind of musician to be as well. Why? Because it's all complicated time signatures. No, it's not. I'm telling you right now,

being a jazz musician is the easiest one to be. We could do it right now. I went to that jazz club, the Blue Note Jazz Club in New York and seen the best of the best in that place. And they were making it up. And I'm telling you right now, you would be hard-pressed to find the difference

between that and the night where they let the special kids have a go. I'm telling you right now. I'll tell you what, lads. He was a solicitor on Wednesday. Now he's one of jazz's finest. They are making it up. He's not even got a saxophone. They're not in time with each other at all.

Time signature. They're just going... Because it's like... They're not in time with each other at all. Time signature. They're just going... We've just jazzed. Me and you have just jazzed. Guys, can we start a jazz club where all of us just pretend to hold the saxophone but there's nothing there and then just go...

I think it sounds like a great night. I'm telling you right now, on tape, that would be virtually indistinguishable from the best jazz musicians in the world. I remember who you saw because he's sick. Mono Neal. I remember you saying you saw that guy. Shite.

Mono Neal. The time signatures on Mono Neal. What he should do is... Not Mono Neal. He'd be laughed at if Britain's Got Talent. I can't do names today. Yeah. I call them Lint Door.

What he should do is... Mono Neal. Mono Neon. No, it's Mono... Oh, yeah is mono neon mono neon the guy with the jacket you saw mono neon one of them was a Jew as well kosher dills I remember you telling us about him one of them was a Jew

I smelt him out I'm winning this one what? he was Jewish he was called he was Jewish he was called Kosher Dills is that good

like is that good dildos Dills was meant to be like deals I think but he was trying to be all hip and what he should do is keep his job

and his family and his life and his financial stability and then on the weekend do jazz yeah do it weekend jazz what Saturday morning yeah yeah do it there's loads of jazz happy Saturday morning do it and then if you weekend do jazz yeah do it weekend jazz what Saturday morning

yeah yeah do it there's loads of jazz and then if you somehow get good enough to leave your solicitor job in like 15 years great

but right now just be a weekend in a few weeks you might just become might be a generational talent and if you are then great go for it

go for what jazz right I'm doing jazz now oh look at that check that's just come in for jazz he might be a generational talent two weeks that's you know they only take

they say like the music industry is half of it's luck so if he's just jazzing on the street like Adele you lucky bitch I mean yeah you learnt to play an instrument from the age of like some of these pub singers are as good as like some of the best pop artists in history. They just don't get picked. You know what I mean?

They don't get picked. They never get like seen at the right time. He might be jazzing on the streets and Johnny Jazz, the fucking fella who runs all the jazz stuff, might run past him and be like, listen, he's the new jazz king. But just to reiterate, just to reiterate, he hasn't even picked up an instrument yet.

You never know. Some of these pub musicians, they can't play an instrument. They're just unlucky. No. Unlucky. Elton John. Yeah, just lucky he was there.

Right pub, right time. Wait until Jeff Jazz sees him and he's fucking flying. Oh, yeah. His kids will be fine with, you know, like, porridge for Christmas for the next 10 years. Listen, if you've got a dream,

that's amazing. Go for it. Ideally, find your dream when you're about 18, 19 years old because you have nothing to risk. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't agree with that. No, just because you're old

and you've got a family doesn't mean you can't have dreams anymore. No, 100%. What I'm saying is, what I'm saying is, it is much easier when you're 18 and you don't have a life or responsibilities or a job.

If you're older, you have to weigh the realities against the dream. You've just got to do a little balancing act. So if you want to do the dream, that's fine. But you can't just throw fucking everything in straight away. You can't just go, I'm just doing this. When you're a kid, it's so much easier.

He's had you off multiple times you are you can be any you can be 18 stop being a jazz guy No, you can't call you can't just give up everything on a fucking Toss of a coin. Well, there's the thing done. Actually you can no you I mean, oh no you can't but I can literally just jump Off the roof. There's loads of things you can do I can yeah, of course you can. I can walk into traffic. There's loads of things you can do. You can't, it's ridiculous.

You can't just quit everything and be like, yeah, who's gonna pay the council tax? How is it flipped, by the way? I was saying that a minute ago, and I'm arguing against you. I, look, I think you should get some lessons, but at the same time do you think

I've got more faith in you than Dan yeah yeah yeah yeah and he loves jazz he knows the game send the video in to us

of you doing jazz and we'll see whether you're good enough I bet once again he can't do it yet he doesn't know how to play I'm not telling anyone not to follow the dreams that's not what this podcast is about

it's not what I've built my life on oh so okay cool just do anything you want to do. You've got a family, you've got a job, you've got responsibilities. You're in debt. Oh, that's even better. Oh, you've got debt collectors knocking on the door.

Jazz. That's what you need to do. Move three times and then you can't find it. Jazz. Oh, you've always wanted to be a Premier League footballer, but you're a big fat cunt and you can't play football. Doesn't matter. Quit everything.

Be a footballer. That's how it works. Knock on your... Knock on the front door of your local, you know, go to Anfield. Knock on the front door. Hello, I want to be a footballer. I'm in debt.

And they'll be like, cool, you want it. Come in. You never played football? Oh, really? You got diabetes? You're big fat twat? Doesn't matter. You started up front.

Mo Salah doesn't want it enough. There you go. You're a hero mo salah works harder than most actually uh not as much as a fat man with diabetes and debt fact i i think i don't know where i've landed now chase your dreams yeah yeah no that's what i'm saying you've taught me around chase your dreams whatever your situation doesn't matter how many people are you responsible for chase those people he's responsible for, chase those dreams. It's his fault he's responsible for them, they're just there.

They can do jazz as well. They can be the von Schnapps. Of course, it's not their fault. It's his wife that had the babies. Yeah, 100%. He just wanted to jizz in something. I've come before. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm chasing my dreams. How can I look at him and go, we've both come? Totally. No, that's what I'm saying. Just because he's come, he can never be a jazz musician. No, I'm saying, I'm gone. You're saying just because he's cunt, he can never be a jazz musician? No, I'm saying, you've taught me round.

Whatever you want to do, regardless of your situation, follow your dream. Start a family jazz band. And here's the best bit. Here's the best bit. Two days later, when you wake up from your fucking cold sweat dream, just change dreams again.

Change dreams again. Be like, oh, jazz is shit. I want to be an excavator. What was that word that came out of my head? Don't even know what just happened. Excavator. He's an excav shit. I want to be an excavator. What was that word that came out of my head? I don't even know what just happened. Excavator. He's an excavator. I want to move soil.

Yeah, just be a truck. Be a JCB. Be a unicorn. That's even better. I don't think Serge needs the answer to that. Three days later, be a non-binary unicorn. That'll solve your problems. Or be a jazz musician.

Follow your dreams, lad. Don't let anyone weigh you down. That'll solve your problems. Or be a jazz musician. Follow your dreams, lad. Don't let anyone weigh you down. No wife, no kids. All you've done is jizz. It's time for jazz. Wow. Wow. Once you've got the marketing side,

it's really hard to argue with it. Wait until Jeff jizzes. All you've done is jizz. Now it's time for jazz. Let's know how it goes, Charlie. Email back in. Don't email again. You're doing some jazz. Yeah, don't email us. Just, Charlie. Email back in. Don't email us in. You're doing some jazz.

Yeah, don't email us. Just play it. Make a song. We'll hear it because you'll be in the charts. He'll be the featured artist in a few weeks. Don't email back. Tell us how you've done it with your first UK jazz hit, number one.

That'll happen, won't it? That's probably going to happen in what? Three weeks? So we'll hear it. He's not even saying he wants to be famous, by the way. He's not saying he wants to be famous and top on the charts. He just wants to live the life of a jazz musician. He doesn't want to be famous.

He just wants to jazz for the life. Yeah, he does. Saturday morning jazz. Sunday. Get in the Sunday jazz leagues. Be a slifter for jazz musicians. He just doesn't want to be a solicitor. Just change your job. Not bad.

Just change jobs. You're trying it when you're telling him not to. Oh, you've got kids. They're going to be hungry. Fuck them. Do whatever you want. Don't fuck them. Non-binary unicorns can fuck anything.

Fuck them and then they'll be taken away from you. And when you get out of prison, you won't be allowed to see them and you'll be free to enjoy a lot of free time to learn jazz. Fuck them and then they'll be taken away from you and when you get out of prison you won't be allowed to see them and you'll be free to learn jazz. Fuck kids. Fuck your kids. Shaggy kids. There you go, Charlie.

Unlimited saxophone time. Brilliant. You're in prison for being a paedophile and then some prison rapist will bum you like a saxophone. And you've got the emotion. I was bummed in prison. Some prison rapist will bum you like a saxophone. And you've got the emotion. Brilliant. I was bummed in prison. I lost my character.

It's a combination of streets. I was bummed in prison. And now he's doing the blues. He's not even doing jazz. It's a combination of streets. Good advice there, guys. We're fucking great at that. Do your jazz again. I'm fucking doing jazz.

This is definitely jazz. I've just been raped in prison. But it's all right because it's jazz. I'm doing the jazz rapist song. How quick is his life when it goes down to that I'm being a solicitor yeah but being solicitor

is boring who doesn't want to get raped in prison while singing jazz that's his dream well better being a solicitor is boring who wants to earn

150 grand a year mortgage paid off it's all I've just been raped again this isn't even jazz I still can't play an instrument I'm just doing it with my mouth I'm actually playing the guitar

I really wish we'd do a podcast once a week it's so good, I love it we've got a couple of confessions we haven't seen you for a week and it's the best got a couple of confessions Dan have we? oh have we? I fuck my kids to become a jazz musician

oh here's a bit of jazz coming up. Ready? Oh, that beatsy jazz. Oh, it's a sneaky one. I wonder if we say the word rape more than most podcasters I feel like I think so yeah we say everything

RPM is quite high yeah rape per minute yeah as always these are anonymous if you've got anything to confess send it in to RPM is quite high. Yeah. Rate per minute? Yeah. As always, these are anonymous. If you've got anything to confess, send it in to haveawordpod at gmail.com.

This first one. My partner sleep talks a lot and they're usually pretty funny. So we use an app that records sleep talking and any other noises during the night. One of the other noises it picks up is farts, which we always laugh about in the morning, especially as my missus has a slight lactose intolerance. I have a side hustle type thing that had stemmed from my fitness page which we always laugh about in the morning, especially as my missus has a slight lactose intolerance.

I have a side hustle type thing that had stemmed from my fitness page where a dude pays me five pounds for every voice recording or video of a fart that I send to him. Every and any time I send one over, I get five pounds within 10 minutes. He's very reliable. I've been doing this for years before I met her

and it's been topping up my bank account very nicely. A couple of weeks ago, I saw a business opportunity and a way to boost my supplementary income. I started sending in my partner's farts recorded when we were asleep, passing them off as my own. If I feed her cheese before bed, I can make a ton a night from her. I haven't told her this, as I fear she might see the fucking weird side of it more than the financial side of it.

I feel bad, but at the same time, her ass has paid for a Christmas present and a weekend away. Should I tell her, am I doing a bad thing or a good thing? You'd be a fucking billionaire. So hang on. He, he's got like,

I feel like he just dropped that information on us too quick. I've got a side hustle. Um, that I do sell my thoughts to some weird guy via like, like an onlyans hookup. Yeah. Almost. Someone's got in contact and gone,

will you fart into a microphone and I'll buy them? Like feet pics. I'll do that, by the way. If you're into that, drop me DMs. I'll fart all you want for money. Oh my God. I cleared the living room. I guarantee you, I can get you more than he can.

So just come to me. What? I've farted like 17 times while we've been recording today. Yeah, but not audibly. So I don't think they're worth much. No, he's farting into a chair, doesn't he? I'm farting into a chair.

Oh, what? You're going to get a fucking... If I've been farting into this, mate, we'd be making some dollars. Get a bassoon. Buy new microphones. Yeah, some jazz there. Yeah, yeah.

Do you know what? Actually, yeah, I'm going to quit my life as a comedian podcaster right now. Fart into mics. I'm just going to be... Yeah, I'm going to fart into mics as a comedian podcaster right now. Fart into mics. Yeah, I'm going to fart into mics. It's my new dream.

Oh, God. You can't be recording people's fucking bum queefs without the consent. Yeah, you can. It's with her consent. It's the sending that's the not consent. She's not getting paid. That should be her, don't you?

No, no. That's her money. No, it's cheating. He's selling her farts. She has consented. She's not consented. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm telling you right now,

if I start shitting in here and you start scooping out and selling my shit to our customers, I'm telling you right now. Customers? Yeah, because they would be customers if they're buying me poop. Who do you think shit to our customers I'm telling you right now customers yeah because they would be customers if they're buying me poop

who do you think you are if I'm not getting cut in on this fucking that's like image rights for football isn't it yeah yeah if we start doing that

you have every right to be annoyed and surprised and I think that when have a word started going downhill was when I lost trust that they weren't

scooping my shit out and selling it to patrons I just had that feeling yeah you've got to get a consent you've got to go look and that's air money yeah

it is also technically it's false advertising I'm getting trading standards onto this gun he should be reported for this well do you think

it's a gay dude that wants him farting into the thing yeah he's like that's not that's not a kind of fart I'm into. Yeah, he wants a fart. I'd milk this dry, man.

I'd go, oi, babe. You know what I'd do? I'd not admit that you'd already been doing it. I'd be like, this is what I've been doing as a side hustle. Also, what's this? Just have her stock 10 farts and just send them them. He's listening.

He'd get on to that. 10 different farts. Yeah, she sent me that He's listening. He got onto that. 10 different farts. Yeah, he sent me that one last week. This is like March 2018. Oh, yeah. Just have a stock fart package. Just send them them every couple of days. Nah, it's not the difference.

Just keep it going. You've got a good little thing going there. Use your own arsehole to make money. Don't be using your wife's arsehole when you've got a perfectly good arsehole right there. Also, your wife sounds stupid. She really does. Why are you giving me cheese before bed, Brian?

Eat that, you. No, eat it. Eat it. I like it. She lacks some intolerance as well. I don't want to. It makes me uncomfortable. Nah, it doesn't. It doesn't. Have more cheese. Have a baby, Bill. I love you. Go and eat that, you fucking dirty bitch. Now, get your wife's consent and give her some money. Yeah more cheese. Have a baby, Bill. I love you. Go and eat that, you fucking dirty bitch. Yeah.

No, get your wife's consent and give her some money. Yeah. He might want a woman fart. You never know. He probably doesn't, though, does he? He went to a man. You can't be selling woman bumbos to gays. It's a fart.

Is that a degradation thing, a fart kink? Is the guy imagining he's farting onto his face while he's wanking? He's imagining he's bumming while he's farting. It's like the sound of a squelching pussy, isn't it? Can I just say a fanny fart I find it quite, it's a bit, a little bit of a turn on.

I like to squelch, I don't like to fart. Squelch? All in the same sort of Is that a mouth? No, when you finger it. The munch munch. No, when you finger it. Oh, whoa. The munch munch. No, I like a little bit of a... Will looks so disturbed.

Oh, Will, don't! If you were horny, you'd love a bit of a... Wouldn't you? You're a dirtbag, man. Is the kink genuinely... He's quacking one out and he's like, oh, I imagine if he was like pumping right on my face. I don't even know if that's what it is because like the squelch sound turns me on,

but I'm not imagining necessarily pussy on my face. I just like being near the sound. Oh, just in the same room? Yeah. Oh, that's nice. Dan, would you ask for like a minge boff off Laura for Christmas? A minge boff? If I was going to pay someone it would be

it would be the what do you want for Christmas this year love I just love I'd love a little minge boff what do you mean what pre-boffed yeah

in a little box yeah what you can't get out you can't get out yeah I'll put it in a jar what would be my only fans kink

if I requested something minge boffs no I like the degradation stuff I jar. What would be my only fan's kink if I requested something? Minj boffs? No, I like the degradation stuff. I get some Brenda to be like, you dirty little bugger. Very degrading, that. How much are you paying for that? 50 quid.

You're a naughty little bugger. I shit on the neighbour's garden. You'll get that for free. No, I don't want that. That's horrible. I don't want to shit on the neighbour's garden. They call you a dirty little bugger. I'm worse.

No, but that's not... I don't want... How lucky would you be if you got in touch with your next door neighbour and started talking about kinks and he was like, people shitting in my garden and you got to sort of help each other out. Hang on, hang on.

It's a sexy lady that's calling you... I don't want... Alistair, my next door neighbour. Alistair, Alistair. He's 59. I don't want... It's not anyone calling me a dirty bugger. I want a sexy lady calling me a dirty bugger.

Isn't that the thing I don't find that sexy woman shitting her garden then no but then you've just got some woman going hey you've just shat in my garden that's not the kink

that's not the kink they're not she's not gonna be like oh you naughty little bugger how did you get in my garden I mean if she can't figure out what you got in her garden what kind of security

I'm getting my husband what kind of garden is this? Graham! He's back again! That's not a kink. That's just me shitting in someone's garden. How did you get in my garden? What fence has she got?

What? Would anyone ever be confused as to how you got in their garden? What do you mean? Is it not conceivable that there is a garden that's hard to get into? A flunked garden. Oh, in my head, I was in the back garden. Okay, cool. Because I like a more dangerous shit when it comes to gardens.

Tell me, Joe. Open plan front garden. What are you doing in my garden? Is there any gardens in your neighbourhood that you couldn't get into easily? My garden is not easy to get into. I'm telling you right now, I'm going to be in your garden one night this week. Fucking bring it on. I can get your garden dead easy. What do you mean? Your garden's dead easy. What do you mean?

Your garden's so accessible. How do you mean? We've got a gate on the side. Yeah, climb over the gate. Oh, yeah, cool. Shoot the walls down. That's it. Dead easy.

What are you on about? What I said was easy. What are you talking about? I'll climb over your fence. Oh, yeah, why don't you just blow me out some? No, but I'm going to put... Why don't you just fucking nuke the whole town and kill everyone in sight? You're going to climb over the fence. It's not easy to get into. Yeah, but I'm going to put... Why don't you just fucking nuke the whole town and kill everyone in sight?

You're going to climb over the fence. It's not easy to get into. Yeah, it's easy, isn't it? I'll get into the next house and climb over. Oh, right. Cool. Or I'll just knock on theirs and go, let me in the garden.

Are you trying to melt me? What are we arguing about? I want some Fitbird on OnlyFans to call me names. And you're all like, nah, lads, just break into any garden and shit in a garden. All gardens are easy to break into. What are you on about?

They are. But I don't want that! I don't want to just shit in random people's gardens because they're not going to be sexy about it. They're going to go, Oi!

Stop denying it! Stop shitting in my garden! You horrible cunt! And that's not sexy. Oi, by the way, fuck off trying to get in my garden anytime. You and you. I'd get in my garden any time. You and you.

I'd get in your garden with you. Why are you worried? I thought it was impenetrable. Oh, that's it. I'm getting garden security. Fucking Quentin and Obey. You wouldn't. You'd forget. You're not coming around my garden. I'm telling you right now, you would not get in. I've been in your garden. Because I opened my house

and you walked through it. You know what? If you hadn't done that, he'd have just been there going, look at that, fucking six foot fence how am I supposed to get over that you came to a garden party that's not the same you're a piece of piss

to get in your garden all I've got to do is arrange to visit your house and have a garden party fuck off Carl do not break into my garden piece of piss mate what was the question

the farting yeah the selling the farts give her the money go listen to them you owe your wife the dough I the selling the farts. Give her the money. Go listen to them songs. You owe your wife the dough. I've sold 15 farts. So there's your parents,

because it's a confession, innit? So you have done something wrong. You need consent and you owe your wife all the money you've made from here, by mo. Stay out of my garden, Volso. Do we want to quick have a word to round us off? Not really. No.

Okay. I just got annoyed about something so ridiculous. Should we just call it? Should we have a break? Let's get Ubar Butler in. Who's your last week on? Ubar.

Ubar. Ubar. It just looks better. I know, but it looks better. Ubar. He's brilliant. Enjoy the episode. Hey!

It's part one of four, but it's actually the third one because we're recording this before we record the first half, and that's always weird. Uber Butler's here! Hello, how's it going? How are you, lad? Yeah, I'm alright. Thank you for coming in.

Thank you for having me. Really appreciate you being here. How was your journey up? Yeah, it was alright. I've come from, I had one night, I was in Ireland, and it was heavy. Where were you in Ireland? We were in Dublin for a night. Then we went to Roscommon. Yeah. Which is like where my great granddad's family's from.

Trying to get a birth certificate, trying to do all that stuff. Trying to get your birth certificate? Trying to get my own birth certificate. It got stolen from me by a priest. No, trying to get my great granddad's birth certificate. What are you trying to get that for? Well.

Is this one of your schemes? It's not a scheme. Are you just trying to get a passport-grandad's birth certificate what are you trying to get that for um well is this one of your schemes it's not a scheme are you just trying to get a passport a european passport but my dad did 100 get one uh because it's his granddad but then and then any of our i've got five siblings and any of our kids if he's got one could have an Irish passport. So, why not? It's disrespectful to the Irish. No, it's not. I mean, I don't think it's disrespectful to the Irish. I think it's very disrespectful

to the Brexiphoton British. I think that's what it is. But fuck them. You know what I mean? They've made their bed. I really love that add-on there. I felt like we were like, and you know,

that's who we represent. Tell her I got one for Christmas. What, an Irish passport? Did she get it off my mum obviously she filled the forms I think I can probably get one you know

my nan I think shagged a few Irish men that's how it works and I love Dublin so I'm going to ask for one as well I have a great time there I mean if you've tried hard enough and you have actually got Irish lineage

then yeah it's possible no my nan was genuinely 2-8, I think. Big gang bang. It's the weirdest way of saying a quarter Irish. No, but I don't think it was the same two eights. So it wasn't like one of her grandparents, one of her great grandparents

and another one on the other side. So that's two eights rather than a quarter. Don't come to me with me fucking, me maths deductions, mate. I'll smoke you. Anyway, do you think you're going to get it? I i don't know i think my dad will get it but i did no i don't know maybe all right okay i mean i'm not yeah is this just confident right it was just nice it was nice me it went with my brother one brother and my two of my cousins and it was nice

bit of a heritage heritage it was yeah yeah. We found the fucking cow shed that they all lived in, the 13 of them, the siblings, the side of a road in a peat bog. Bog. They were very modern. I'll find my family's bog.

From bog to blog. I got a new passport last week and it's one of the black ones, one of the post-Brexit ones. And do you know what? I've never understood voting Brexit and then that come through and I was like no worth it just because it was a cooler color it's just a cooler color and you can't do much with it you're in longer queues at airports

yeah but it looks cooler british passport for british people none of this european involvement making them all maroon and colorful no mate me and nigel one of our black passports. Oh, God. Every long queue at fucking customs. Just been moaning. I just honestly think if you voted Remain, you should just get a little shortcut. Have you not got any source of lineage? Any that you could source a bank on? Are you on a big Norwegian?

I'm pretty Anglo-fucking-Saxon. I love it. When you add fucking in there, it really sounds like I'm too proud of it. Nice and clean. Nice and inbred. Yeah, very, very white Lancastrian, I'm afraid. Nothing exciting.

I'm part Irish, part South African, so I can get either, really. Which eighth is the South African? It's the ninth eighth. It was my nan's mate. They were so close that it counts. Ridiculous. What are you, other than just obviously the borders and stuff,

what do you want the Irish passport for? Is it part of anything you've got coming up? No. No, not really. I think because we're a big family and Catholic and all that stuff, I've always felt quite close to that part of my dad's. Yeah. And, yeah, like more of his lineages

he did that 23andme thing and it was all 80 percent just all literally Ireland and uh I don't know it always felt it felt like something I just wanted to do anyway uh but I think we just we just wanted to go on holiday and spend some time with each other you just want to go to Ireland yeah what are you on to Ireland for it's not for me to get a granddad's uh if you found it we haven't really looked to be honest we've been on temple bar about 27 points of guinness but you know what got a nice week exactly exactly where are you a guinness drinker uh i had one pint of guinness i've had it such a waste i know you've been in dublin and i tried to split the g and it didn't work were you trying to land it on the G

or between the G and the half? Between the G. No, the top of the G. The more advanced one. Okay. Yeah. That's the one you like. Yeah, yeah.

So it has to be above the G but below the half. Yeah, yeah. I had two cracks at lunchtime. Yeah? Got one of them. It's a fucking drink. One and two is not a bad ratio. Me and Jack both did it, actually.

James Joyce used to drink in. He in the uh the what is it the back room that's like the horseman's room or something and we sat in there in liverpool in no in in dublin and we tried to split that no i wasn't just there now behind we were in a when so the the one i used to play was landing it on the G and then we went to Dublin for my tour show me, Carl and Thomas who was my opener last year and after the show in Whelans

like we were with a group of what 20 Irish lads and they were like that's not how you fucking do it you do it between the fucking G and the harp we're going to get a fucking round in we're going to fucking do it now

I don't know where he was from but it sounded a bit like that and so like there was like 20 of us and someone went to the bar and went 20 pints

of Guinness and brought them back and we all had to go splitting the G and then another one went right none of us have done it so another one

went back to the bar and was like we'll have another 20 Guinness there's a photo that I've got and there's just like seven tables

full of all like down to the G drank Guinness that not another sip is taken out of any of them. Just lads buying 20 pints at a time, just as a parlor game. And you wanted to leave Europe.

Fuck, you know, those boys are doing fine. I can't wait to go back to Ireland. Oh my God. Are you on it? Have you got nothing on at the moment? Because obviously everything you do is huge, feels like from the outside looking in like huge projects where you have to commit to everything do you do you have to take time off

and then just go are you cooking something up no i've got i've got a feature doc that i'm working on right which is sort of halfway financed uh and that's been going on for about three years and that is like that's it's a like, it's a really good one. Have you got to be secretive about it? Can you tell us anything about it? I have to, sorry. I have to because it would ruin it if it did. It makes it worse in the long run.

Yeah, yeah, totally. But like the Amazon thing, for example, I put out Channel 4 two months ago. Tell us about that. That was, yeah, it was like the first Channel 4 thing that I've done. I was obviously with Vice for so long and then I did catfish for a while and then three series of that and then this while i was doing that i self-funded a short about amazon where i tried to basically

trick them into paying taxes because they don't uh by uh allegedly no that's literally just let's just let's just cover you legally. Allegedly, Jeff Bezos is a big tax dodge and bald cunt. Carry on. Oh, he is bald. Oh, Uber, you are... You are in the wrong podcast. We are going to have to be, like, litigiously so careful. Like, this guy is on the radar.

We're like, yeah, let's have a bit of fun with this. I'm really glad you're getting me now, like, two months after... I was, like, cutting some of my socials from another podcast I'd done, like, for a couple of months ago, been having fun with this i'm really glad you're getting me now to like two months after like i was like cutting some of my socials from another podcast i've done like for a couple of months ago and i was so careful but now i'm like so the great amazon heist yes he's on he's on youtube right now you can still watch it on more four or is it just on youtube no i'm both but you're you're literally you're out of it you're done done, and you're like, you're not worried about them. Like, you got out clean. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, there was genuinely big, right up until the moment it was going out, I was actually in Norway doing an event. I was speaking at an event, and as it was going on, I come off a legal call, and I was like, literally went on stage, and I told them, you have to stop the live feed, because I was talking about the film.

And they were like, oh, well, you can't. There's people watching our live feed. And I was like, genuinely, I cannot go on, because I can't, the film and they were like, oh, well, you can't, there's people watching our live feed. And I was like, genuinely, I cannot go on because I can't, it's too risky. So they stopped the live feed, I did it.

And like, then I got off stage and then I did two interviews and I was like, the more interviews I do, the lesser chance that Amazon are going to be able to stop this going out. And I don't know,

I've never done TV before really. I mean, Catfish is different as a presenter it's not not my thing and also the nature like the the travel commissioner who who worked on that said this is the hardest thing i've ever made just because of their shit in it yeah just because of the size of amazon it's like and you go you're going after the biggest company in the world yes there's the the clip the clip where you they they spot you and bring you into the small torture office and you you need to get out because you know you've got the camera on

like you're watching the good i have anxiety for a bloke i've never met as in my head like you've got a fight or flight just watching it going uber get out yeah like this is just a fucking shop essentially yeah and you're watching it going get out for your yeah like this is just a fucking shop essentially yeah and you're watching it going get out for your own safety and where they're like you're choosing to leave voluntarily are you you're like yeah yeah i think so yeah it makes you feel like concerned of like how murky is it i don't know it's a weird thing i haven't seen this so how did you get them to pay tax how did you hoodwink them into doing that uh i went i ordered a load of pothole filler from amazon yeah and then basically my my logic was taxes pay for i mean it's a boring thing to think about and talk about there's like well but if you think

about the stuff that taxes pay for it makes it all of a sudden something that people would actually find entertaining and whatever engaging and i was like the thing that i the way i figured out i wanted to talk about it was like through potholes and the idea being that like how quick can amazon make a prime delivery without the roads that our taxes pay yeah pay for and i and i um basically then ordered a load of cement off amazon directly not from the third party everyone keeps on fucking driving me insane directly from a not from amazon like a third party everyone keeps on fucking driving me insane directly from a not from amazon like a third party amazon themselves they sold and fulfilled it uh and then i went around britain filling in potholes i did some in la as well actually and um then i basically went

down to the beach and sent the packages back and said lied on my returns and said i just didn't want them and then so then i got my money back so the piles were filled in and then and then like you know amazon do the right thing but like the way the what what is like in the film that the what in this is the the good bit uh is that i basically used the same structure that amazon uses to avoid paying taxes to avoid legal issues like i created a company in belize an offshore company and then bought the pothole filler via an amazon like a company in belize and then i just invoiced that company i mean in the film i admit to everything so it's not that clever uh but like it like the whole central interview of the film is me talking to a lawyer

was one of the first ideas i had for the film i was like i really liked that as a device so he's just like and he's dead keen on the whole idea right from the off loves it he's like yeah go for it is he literally like don't do this he was like you're just you're just stupid like you're not clever in any way he's like you just committed fraud like but you know but he was he was funny i met him in a i met him in a i met him in a pub and i was looking for a lawyer at the time and he's like he's like a high-powered lawyer and he but he's like if you were gonna cast someone to play it like everyone always says like is that an actor then that you got to play no because he's looking up yeah exactly he's just like he was amazing but he he makes the whole

thing like she glues the whole film together because it's like it's all it's a bit all over the place to be honest how would channel four did they just basically go go for it make it or were their legal team involved a lot or was that down to you like i just i'm so impressed with channel four that they were like yeah fuck it go go for it oh mate they just let us do whatever we wanted no uh they they they was it sim run no no no no it was it was like unbelievable it's really difficult like i'd done the thing where i commit fraud already so i'd made that as i'd self-funded that and made that and so that so basically the liability of that is on me, nothing to do with the channel. So they were like,

all right, we'll license that off you, no problem. And then we built a bigger film around that. That was a 12 minute film that I wrote and directed with my mate Stan. That's how Netflix get away with murder documentaries. They have to wait for a murder to have already happened. They can't commission the murder.

You know what I mean? Yeah, quite, yeah. That makes sense. I don't know the law, but that seems, yeah. They'd be like, you've already done the murder. Well, we'll license that murder off you but we can't actually give you money to commit any murder conspiracy you don't know that can i ask you about the drink yeah the

drink in the documentary yeah yeah you can uh what was that where did that idea come from well explain to us what the idea is first. Got piss from Amazon delivery drivers. Sold it. On Amazon? Yes. And made it a bestseller. I made it a number one bestselling drink on Amazon. The delivery driver's piss.

It's just piss. It's just piss? I mean, Bear Grylls is is like he's guzzling it down so he might as well turn it into an opportunity it's what you're famous for come on yeah exactly

what was it called release release energy and the design's like I'm not gonna say I can't say it but have a look at it it looks familiar

and like it's yeah I mean the whole idea for that was the whole film basically was there's always reporting on amazon people understand that the company even though the biggest company in the world they do some they do some stuff that people don't don't like the

taxes stuff for example how do you speak about this stuff in a way that's not boring in a way that's actually going to cut through because look he's preaching to the converted isn't it for most most people who read about you know really great reporting and basically people who engage with that kind of stuff exactly what twitter is twitter is just people who are angry about stuff letting other people know that are already angry about it and other people are angry as well and everyone going aren't we great and then nothing happens right yeah yeah i mean so it was like how do we come up with an idea that will talk about the stuff that's at the heart? Like what is, the fact that Amazon delivery drivers are having,

you know, every, we stopped and spoke to delivery drivers in LA and fucking all over in London, in the Midlands where I'm from. We spoke to them in Spain, Italy. Look, basically the point being all over the world, delivery drivers having to piss in bottles because they got unrealistic targets and we found out spoke to a manager and they were like yeah we penalize the drivers if they come back with bottles in the

car and if you get 10 bottles you know you're in trouble and that was 10 bottles of piss yeah yeah yeah they're like if it builds up over it you get one point per bottle so i stopped we stopped a manager by chance and they just told us this and uh so it's like there is some journalism in there like accidentally not just wanking around but like and then we had uh my mate is um alex she's a like a labor journalist she uh she said that the and then the female drivers are telling her that they're getting utis from holding in piss as well so there's this whole thing around piss on amazon and i was like how do you make this cut through because it's it's like what how do you create something that people have probably kind of read about and they know about and turn it into something

that will go viral and cut through and and then the piss story yeah we i got it listed as a me and my mate stan put the design the product and it just says the ingredients to piss on it like on the you can go on the way back machine that preserved the listing and it literally says this is taken from discarded bottles of piss at the side of the road and like i bought like there was no i bypassed all of their like food and drinks licensing i was it was easy and then i just manipulate the algorithm which is what i you know obviously the restaurant thing whatever it's i've done that in the past and uh yeah they're not real people we're trying to buy this product and and i could have easily set like sold and sent piss to normal people all over britain and see what happened that might

have just been people who genuinely want to piss though we could be germans couldn't it basically could be germans or you know i'm a bit of a kinky bastard if that was uh if that was lady piss i'd be into it do you go do you go into these projects knowing that you like there's an element of like journalists about journalism about i was just i'm sorry you look to me like you've got to respond to that if we stopped and responded to everything like that it was such a much longer podcast are you going into these projects going right i really want to get awareness of this subject or is it is there just an element of like you like the mayhem? You're like, are you going in?

Like, do you feel like a journalist when you go into it? Or is it more just, you're- The Amazon thing is definitely something you give a fuck about. I can tell from the way you talk about it. You are passionate about that. Not passionate might be the wrong way,

but you care. And it's like, this is fucking disgusting. Yeah. Like the fact that they get measured on how many bottles they bring back, first of all, that's causing litter problems because if I'm an Amazon driver there, I'm just wazzing me piss out the window.

Yeah, they're flooding the world with piss. Yeah. I like, it is like, yeah, it is. I think that's also as well, like when I started out and doing the Vice stuff, it was easier to just like be like, I'm having a laugh. Yeah. Whereas now it's like, you have to grow as,

you know, making stuff. Yeah, as a creator or whatever you want to call it. You have to, like, you get bored and like, it's like you have to grow as yeah as a creator or whatever you want to call it you get bored and and like it's good to just be like nihilistic and like oh i'll do this thing but yeah it's hard not to when because i want to work there you know it's like you're working with people who live in chronic pain all this shit so it's it's it's it would be really but also then you can't lose the atmosphere of the fun around it the mayhem that's the whole point like there are uh probably better journalists in this room than me and it's like it that's not why i've been given the job to do that my job is to how do i turn this into something

that'll cut through like the piss story you got like fox news covered it like they don't cover and why would they cover a channel 4 documentary like yeah you got fox news on one hand and they're covering it in a way that is like talking to the issues that they should be like yeah this exposes amazon's corporate culture and that was their headline i was like it's unusual means but you are getting what you want at the end of it yeah yeah or like you know you've done it in a way that gets you stuff that you literally couldn't pay for otherwise like no matter if you'd just done a piece on yeah interviewing drivers and going, these are the conditions you're living in, and gave that to Fox, Fox would go, fuck off now. Because of the way you've done it and made it what it was,

it becomes... Yeah, it's really creative. I had a really nice moment there, by the way, where you said, there's probably a better journalist than me in this room. And I watched Carl scan the room and go, nope. No, it's all... Mr Harold Robinson, thank you. He said he studied journalism i didn't he's very happy that you're here today man he is he is trying not to ask for a selfie mid-recorder that's where he's at today he is buzzing you're here the bar's low

uh yeah no i i didn't i'm not training i didn't go to uni i didn't train as a journalist i wanted to be a musician until i was like failed uh and then started doing this stuff i started worked um doing like i was writing about i wanted to be i went from doing music stuff uh and then decided to start like writing about music so i could try and rig the music press to write nicely about my brand my band and then i was then it's actually all right um and then yeah i got i got like a gig doing like writing um clickbait news for for music website and i so then i'll get paid in the amount of clicks i would get for a story so then it started then it's like how do you make this boring story about fucking josh stone go viral or what then it's like that how do you make this boring story about fucking Joss Stone go viral?

Then it's like that part of my brain. Didn't she? I don't know. Didn't someone try and kill her? Guess what Joss Stone had for breakfast? Who's that? Do you remember 1997? She was really big back then.

Isn't there a Joss Stone story though? I'm sure there is. She was on The Masked Singer. Well, there was the thing. Was it Joss Stone where the guys were potting to kill her? Yeah, that's it. I mean, that's just a story itself i didn't you need to lie on that i only found out last week that duffy got kidnapped yeah what do you know about this no no duffy yeah like mercy you know yeah duffy on the same page yeah yeah 10 years

ago duffy got kidnapped and was held for days in a foreign country she got put on a plane flown away and that's why no one's heard from her. She's really upset about it. Wow. And Adam's just found out. Big news. I'm intrigued how you found out. I heard a whisper and I Googled it and it's all true.

Just to let you know. Duffy. Wow. Kidnapped. I was in Pogues and someone just whispered it to me at the bar. I was like, who was that? Like, never it to me at the bar I was like who was that like never mind me and he disappeared

free Duffy yeah she disappeared from the sort of limelight because she got kidnapped and quite traumatic yeah that'll do it yeah so then Vice then you ended up going

I'll screech myself then you end up writing for Vice is that just because after the music the like journalism like press stuff and you're like actually i've got a an eye for what works and what goes viral and that did that just feel like did you start did vice come to you or did you go to vice oh no i don't have any reason to commission me like literally i just i i am what i don't even know how it all come about to be honest i was i was writing these reviews i was writing for years for free just for like you know and then i then i

got that gig doing the viral news stuff and then i how would it have gone so i was like i think i come up with an idea when at the very end of the band where i was like is music so hard to sell that it's like what's the most unappealing thing that i i get sold and i was thinking about jehovah's witnesses people come into the door and trying to sell your god and i was like okay well is music in such a bad state now it was cds like that was like 2015 or something and i was like is it like and i had this idea i was like it'd be funny to try and uh like go head to head with the jehovah's witnesses and try and act try and try like to like so that's basically what i come up with this idea and then i wrote it into a pitch and i could

write a pitch because because i'd figured out how to write a one subject email and i'll put this is like is music harder to sell than jehovah and then put that as the email like pitch sent it to found the like the like first name dot last name advice.com thing. And then one of the editors there are like, he was noisy. He's like main editor at the time. I just found his email and I pitched him and it was like, and then all of a sudden it was like,

yeah, let's go with this. I was like, Oh shit, I've actually got to do that now. So then, then I then went in, like pretended I was joining the Jehovah's witnesses for a bit to learn their

door to door sales techniques, uh, and pretended I was joining the Jehovah's Witnesses for a bit to learn their door-to-door sales techniques, went out with them and figured out how many doors out of 100 would let them in to talk about God. And I was like, all right, that's a sale. What's the hit rate for a Jehovah? It's six out of 100. That is so much higher than I thought it would be. Yeah.

I mean, I wouldn't say the sample group is that. I mean, I wouldn't say it's the greatest science that has ever been done. I think I've counted 100 doors and I was like that's six that'll do but like you know i remember when i was a kid um so my mum used to get like uh short-term loans from a company called provident so the profit man had knocked the door and uh he'd be like you want some dough and you gotta give me like give you 100 quid you gotta give us 120 back over like four weeks or whatever so every week like the fellow would knock and take like 20 or 30 quid. You've got to give us 120 back over like four weeks or whatever. So every week, like the fellow would knock and take like 20 or 30 quid off me mum and dad.

And one week, the door goes at like five o'clock and me mum's doing the dinner. And she goes, Adam, get the door. It'll be the profit man. Tell him I'll be there in a sec. I'm just dealing with these potatoes or whatever she was cooking at the time. And I opened the door and it was a Jehovah's Witness.

No way. And I was like, and he was like, is your mum or dad there? And I was like, my mum's doing the dinner, mate. Why are you laughing? Are you the provvy man? And he was like, no, no, I'm here to talk about God. And I remember he showed me this picture and it was like a man and woman living amongst like tigers

and animals and stuff. And he was like, this is what God had intended for us. But that stupid fucking cunt Eve had a bit of a, she was hungry and had a bit of an apple and that and that is this word for word this is what we were supposed to have and this is what we can have if we all believe in our lord and savior jehovah's christ or whatever that whatever their guy is and i was like oh sounds great so i i'm talking to him for ages and then my mom comes to the door with 30 quid

and I remember him going, no, love, I don't want your money. And she was like, oh no, I thought you were the profi man. And I was like, no, he's not the profi man, mum. He's telling me about these tigers who are meant to live in the back garden. And she told him to fuck off and shut the door. He almost had you.

I work for the zoo. What the fuck? But he had this painting and it was really good yeah yeah yeah the way they do it is like there's a select there's like 200,000 people allowed in heaven and like apparently they've all something like that yeah so every year is it like a relegation zone

or like the playoffs where like the top three people from here have to go into the bottom three people has lived isn't it like 80 billion 110 billion ever yeah yeah it's one out one in policy it's an interesting way of like making people really go for it because i always see him on the street and think that is a work ethic he's you know like Sunday 8am on a Sunday and they're stood there with the blue it's like the ultimate

charity mugger innit like the people who stand on the street going oh have you got a minute to talk about this and everyone's like fuck off mate they don't do anything

we've got Jehovah's Witnesses three doors down from us they've never knocked on once really yeah they don't do their own street you don't shit where you need them

famous Jehovah's Witness I mean I did so when I was pretending I was joining them they knocked my door every week they were like you came to church

like what's wrong like you've got to and I was like oh so they thought they had you yeah and I was like oh no I was just

doing a weird thing it's like when Ticketmaster email you you go and you still want those tickets that's what they were doing but in real life with you yeah they saw it was in the cart

still want Jehovah so if there's 200,000 people to get in, why are they trying to recruit more people? Try to dilute the pool. Well, this is what's the genius of it. I think that the more people you recruit, the higher chance you got of...

It's like a pyramid scheme. Is it? Yeah. It's the most culty pyramid scheme of all time. How do they get money, though? Because you have to give them... You're like Jews. What?

You're D-U-E-S. Fucking hell. You've got to be dues in yours. I'm rounding them up. That's Hans Lund. You have my fees. You're thinking

of being glorious bastards then. It's a totally different thing. Here's your dues. D-U-E-S. It's a club. Nicely swung.

It's a cabal. It's a club. They have to cabal. It's a club. They have to pay a fee. They have to pay little fucking things to the church. You have to convince enough people to join the church. There's more people you recruit. Catholicism just uses guilt, which is much easier. But this is genius, isn't it?

Is it American? Is Job's Witness the same as Mormon really similar innit very similar innit because their fella's called Joe innit it's something like that though Joseph Smith isn't it and he was around in like the 1930s

or something I really need the creators of South Park to do a musical about Jehovah's Witnesses and then I'll know as much as I do about the creators of South Park to do a musical about Jehovah's Witnesses and then I'll know as much as I do about the Book of Mormon. But didn't Joseph Smith say he found some tablets or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, oh, look, I found new God stuff.

And everyone was like, go ahead, Joe. And that's the Mormons. Yeah, but that only seems ridiculous just because it hasn't had enough time to sort of ferment. Go ahead, Joe. Like, it's just as insane as older sort of scripture and like biblical stories. But because they've been around

so much longer, you're like, oh yeah, but they're potentially real. But just because this is new, it's just as daft as all the old stuff. Where did you find these tablets? Egypt, was it?

No. No, in his back garden. Oh yeah, in his back garden. Genuinely, that's what it is. Yeah, genuinely. You find all this out in the Book of Mormon, which is really funny

but it's quite nice the Mormons at the same time as well it's like ah they're all stupid but ah look at their little wigger heads

but they're nice so did you get any hassle for that was you were like yeah I don't really want to be a Jehovah's Witness I just want to sort of I just was doing

I was just gathering data really were they fine but they weren't like weirdly aggressive about it when you tried to leave I didn't explain it to them like that I'm not interested in what i'm having a moment i was just having one of them jehovah's periods yeah you know he's just in the mood but i lost

i sold two cds out of 100 and i lost so so joe is easier to sell than yeah i'm going out with like cds of what was in the charts at the time. Was that your music? Yeah, but this is... I thought it was your music. This is just to the point where streaming was getting pretty big. When door-to-door sales music didn't kick off, it's not a massive surprise. I think you would have got more streams than six

if you'd knocked with a QR code. You should do it again now. Just knock everywhere with a QR code and be like, play this. I reckon that most people will just do it on the door. This time it's personal. Just to get rid of you. And you mentioned the restaurant thing. Sorry, we're playing all your hits because it's fascinating of course but with the restaurant thing like again

were you going out were you going out of your way to just point highlight how ridiculous all of the the trip advisor stuff is were you going at it from the point of view of like i really want to take this down or was it just again for a bit of the mayhem of it i reckon at that point i was more intrigued by because i'd like i i had a gig as well when i first started out writing where i'd get paid by restaurants to write fake five-star reviews for them on tripadvisor and i know as someone who'd worked in hospitality a lot as well it was just i just thought it was really interesting the way that this was so manipulatable.

And most people were curating their experiences and their decisions around where they go to eat and all this stuff around this website. I don't go to a restaurant in a different city without checking the reviews. Yeah, there you go. So it's like, and it's not to say that they'll burn the whole thing to the ground.

It was interesting and funny. And I genuinely had no idea that it would be like actually possible to get a number one, like that, that was, it did it for six months. You know, I got my,

I lived in a garden shed at the time. I've got it listed as a restaurant on TripAdvisor and spent six months, like slowly manipulating it to be the number one rave restaurant in London. And, and I didn't yeah i didn't ever think that that would be like and it ended up being the the the defining moment probably my life that to this point it's all of it and then the moment that it hit number one i was like that is my life has changed and and like because i just knew that then it was like this back to

like the clickbait headlight i was like oh that's a fucking story like that's that's that that is ridiculous yeah it is everyone i told was just like you can always tell with the good things you just like really simply communicate it with people around you and if they're they you can tell someone's bored by what you say when you say you got it listed as a restaurant yeah and it became the number one restaurant in London. Yeah. Did you ever make any food? No. I did... For the website, I did... We tried to make it like a wanky kind of like fancy restaurant and I did like food pictures,

but it was like deliberately... It was like cropped images of fancy looking food, like fine dining looking food. But when the film came out, I revealed that it was like an egg on my foot and like urinal cakes with like bits of you know aquarium fish stones and shaving foam or whatever uh like so there was like there was a basis and then there was like the whole thing around the menu is that oh it's you order me uh moods and all this stuff so it was like had the vibe of a

wanky restaurant but like and it was like an appointment only restaurant so people couldn't show up because i literally did just live it in a garden shed at the back of someone's house so did you have an email address or a phone number where people were trying to make bookings yeah yeah yeah i bought i bought like a trap phone yeah for that and then i had a i had a just for your own entertainment just going through the potential bookings that will never be well i was just answering yeah i'd just be like we're fully just going through the potential bookings that will never be... Well, I was just answering, yeah, I'd just be like, we're fully booked, sorry, for the next six weeks. And then you have the thing that people want to come there more

if you tell them you can't have it. That would make me want to go so much. I'll book for six weeks. Well, I'll have one for six weeks on Monday. Yeah. I had a guy, and when I was saying I was in Norway, there was a businessman who was like, yeah, I tried to book. I tried to book for a table of 12 of us for a Christmas thing.

And I was like, sorry. I'm sorry for wasting your time it did it was completely made up but yeah i mean i don't know yeah i didn't we had that and then and then after when it become number one we opened for one night only in the literally the garden shed that i had had real people like eight uh how many real customers i was like two tables yeah eight eight real customers three tables and then just my mates but but made it we made it look as if it was like a they they were just saying everything was great and it was iceland 99p ready meals uh and but dressed up to to look like fancy food and uh and it was yeah it was like it was just so just just to prove that it's all bollocks yeah but i didn't i didn't have a confident my ideal scenario was that i hope that everyone

leaves without realizing what is going on here and that that fucking happened and one of the one of the they said to us at the end of the evening they were like so now that we've been once is it going to be easier for us to come back and they genuinely were trying to book a table again in the future and i'd serve them like objectively just like fucking shit food and well the cheapest food available the cheapest food possible the very antithesis of what people are paying in michelin star restaurants how much were they paying for these plates well i didn't want to get sued so i was just like where there's a promo even and that's why we've got the cameras out so hopefully you don't mind, you know,

all this stuff is on us tonight. New menu. Like, so it was like, but I think if you were doing it and you didn't mind, you would have probably had fun with that as well. And being like, I wonder if we can charge you eight grand for this play of,

you know, mash. Did that have a, did that have a, an actual impact on TripAd advisor or did nothing change well that this is yeah i mean we had their like statement that we had to get and that's like you know that on the amazon thing that was like that but fucking times a million but on vice and trip advisor it was a bit more chill uh yeah but they just said it was proved nothing and i just

had too much time on my hands what was that singapore didn't singapore change their laws about fake news was that that was my book that was the okay yeah no that was sorry yeah there's two things going on now uh no you know you are right you are right no sing yeah singaporean parliament used it to make that yes yeah i fucking forgot about that they they used the shed if you go on there, what kind of ridiculous life have you got? Where you're like, no, no, the Singapore,

no, hang on. The Singapore government did change government policy based on certain ideas. No, you are right. I forgot about that. Yeah. No,

no, no. I genuinely, it's not me being a wanker. I mean, it is me being a wanker, but I just have to apologize for it. I changed Middle Eastern policy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it's not the Middle Eastern I changed Middle Eastern policy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know it's not the Middle East. But they're like... East, East. Yeah, you can go on YouTube, you can see them talking about it, and it's really funny that they've got an MP

who's presenting on this thing, scrolling past an egg on my foot. He's like, here's a picture of an egg on the foot, but looking very attractive otherwise. And they're all like you know it sounds like he wants to fuck you that's nice why not people in high places might have an egg on his foot but look at his cheekbones he's a very nice man but yeah i mean it was yeah that was bad so yeah i mean but trip of eyes themselves i remember them yeah they bet they they kind of

poo-pooed it but then i i i heard that they like changed their algorithm based on that but they they would never ignore they would never say that publicly no no they're not gonna say that it makes me very excited to to find out what you're doing next yeah because it's it feels like you're getting it feels like you're ramping it up i'd be growing yeah we can say that kind of we were saying it but but yeah yeah we were saying it before you've got to progress you have to try and figure out like what it's a feature doc the next one i've also got another thing that i've been working on for quite a while that i've made with um i can say this but the guy who made um like tiger king fire chris smith we worked on a film together a few years ago i've just managed

to get the rights for it's a bit bit of a, it's difficult advice, but that's also really good, but that'll probably hopefully come out in the, in the meantime while we're, cause this is this one, the big one that we've been working on for three years is really good as well. And it's, it's with absolutely Tim and Tim,

Tim and Eric's company. Yeah. And who worked on the Amazon one as well. They did Nathan for you, Eric Andre, you you know all that stuff um just brilliant people like amazing people to work with um and it's like in terms of bigger in terms of budget yeah but then when you but then what makes the stuff that i do what i actually really like about myself is it still feels punk so if you then you just have to just pay people properly rather than spending it on uh i don't want it to feel that different to be honest i want it to continue to feel you start

spending money on big stunts and stuff it just feels it loses its charm and just when you're early creating you're asking friends to do jobs for less and now you're getting the budget where you can go you don't have to do that anymore i can give you what you actually deserve yeah i was in i was in a meeting the other day in new york and they said that they like the fact that it feels like it comes from a crew you have a similar thing here it's like you feel you feel a sense of the people who are just there because they want to be involved in it and and and would and it's always like it's it's really nice as you get gone in your career as well like being able to um see that and within your mates like see like someone

someone who's been using on this one i'm i don't want to say the name specifically it's not fair but um yeah just like a mate of mine who i knew would be a good producer i just was like that would be really fucking good so good and like people with no experience but like now just like absolutely loving it and we're like getting to work together on that but like so yeah i mean that it is really it is exciting the idea is fun and it is it ticks all the boxes and like all right can you tell us about it off camera no don't tell but then there's the fun then that loses the fun i've got no delay gratification you did tell us you could give us an exclusive about Catfish, though. Yeah, I did, actually.

I mean, I'll probably get in trouble for this. But yeah, it's done. Catfish is done. I'm not doing any more Catfish. Right, right. We were up for renewal. And then I had the Channel 4 thing. And Nella also had something.

And for those who haven't seen Catfish, Catfish is you looking into people with online dating profiles, pretending to be people like that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like the American one. I did three series of the UK version. I shot a couple episodes here as well.

But yeah, it was just, it was amazing. And sorry, like good people worked on it it was like you know for me it was it with the vice stuff going from that to then going into television which is what i always really wanted to do it was like the it was like the perfect they come out of nowhere just says do you want to come and screen test and like they'd no reason to give it to me there's people much bigger followings but people much more relevant they just went for it and and really liked me but um i find catfishing so interesting like the the idea of tricking people into that and and pretending to be someone you're not yeah like like there's any end game to it like it's so it's so weirdly fascinating and dark the long the long play of it because we we

know someone who went through it oh yeah i remember watching the american catfish back in the day going i just don't get how anyone can go and gone and then we we had a friend who went through over a year of it maybe a year and a half and then you go oh this this is a smart. And just enough sort of things can happen in the background for it to be the right timing or the wrong timing. And then all of a sudden, a year and a half of his life has just been twisted into nothing.

I mean, but the pervasive thing about it is that that is when you're at your most vulnerable. And the catfishes are really good. We had people using deep fakes. We had that in the show, which was unbelievable. Hang on, you're Sylvester Stallone. Yeah. Why would you choose that?

I still love you. I just want to meet you. One of the ugliest men in Hollywood. I love him. What about that? Did you have the wizard with the cases? No, he's not. It looks like a punch Hollywood. I love him. Yeah. What about that? Did you have the wizard with the cases where... No, he's not.

It looks like a punch bag. He does now because he's been punched in the head loads. Oh, you mean like... Back when he was a little belt back in those days

he was quite fit, wasn't he? I'm not sure if he was actually punched in the head loads. I think that was a film. He was a boxer. Was he? Yeah.

That's why he wrote Rocky. I didn't know that. Because he was a boxer that didn't get anywhere. Rocky is about Sylvester Sloan, really. It's just like his... I didn't know that because he was a boxer that didn't get anywhere Rocky is about Sylvester Stallone really it's just like his what his dream would have been

oh yeah I didn't know that just if you weren't concentrating fully Sylvester Stallone hasn't been catfished just want to clear that up that we know of

yeah we had like we had a woman who a woman who thought she was in a relationship with George Ezra that was interesting yeah we're like there was she was just ill though there's nothing to do with caffeine oh god she was having a fever dream at the time okay she comes to come to he was saying

he was george ezra or he's using his face with a different name she she was this like really lovely sweet older woman who got out of like she was in a marriage for a long time and then like get her confidence back she was talking to george ezra online right it's obviously just some scumbag and it was like we ended up finding out it was like a group of people who but we become george ezra in order to just get money out of like vulnerable older people and that's a mad scam that imagine sitting on the meeting table with all your scammer mates and being like right what are we gonna do yeah we're all gonna be george ezra to scam old women out of money it's foolproof we tried sylvester stallone but it was going fucking nowhere punch baghead let's go with george ezra you know because he's beautiful

yeah oh it must have been like you i suppose you have to detach from it professionally but it's got to be pretty tough going through that with them it was depressing because i went to i tried to get him we really wanted him to just record something for her just so she felt like a a sense of like it would just be even if even if this is the most like humiliating thing that's happened to her and she which it shouldn't be because fucking happens to shit loads of people but she you wanted you wanted to just have him like it just would be nice for her to feel like it ends with her hearing from him i'm sorry what's happened to you yeah and we weren't able to do it they just worked with his team around him just didn't i went to one of the

gigs and i went snuck backstage and went into the thing and they were like we know why you're here they found me like just as i was going to his dressing room and they just weren't they just wouldn't do it and i just found it so confusing i was like what what why won't what i just said record a 20 second clip on you on your on your camera i mean maybe maybe i'm not looking maybe i'm looking at because i've obviously was with her and notice what like that it was a big thing for her maybe he gets those requests all the time i can't imagine he does no i can't imagine he gets those requests all the time. I can't imagine he does. I can't imagine he gets a lot of them. George, listen, lads, some old woman's being here. It's happened again.

And did the video... George, stop talking to older women online. Imagine if it happened all night. You walk in and he's literally talking to her. Like fucking Scooby-Doo. It was George Ezra. George, you've done it again plausible deniability

don't say anything mate and the video from Sylvester Sloan didn't hit the same no no it didn't look we haven't been able to get you George have you seen Rocky

or you've seen Rambo okay we'll have a look at this hey yo Frida I wanna hear from George gave her a name fantastic should we have a break probably yeah mate fantastic what's happening lads hear from George. Gave her a name. Fantastic. Should we have a break?

Probably, yeah. Mate, fantastic. What's happening, lads? If you are enjoying this episode, or even if you're not, do you know what? Just do us a favour. Like it, subscribe,

turn the bell on, make sure you get notifications when we drop an episode. Do it right now. Leave us a comment. Tell us that it's sick. Or call us all cunts if you want.

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of ours on socials, just share it, costs you nothing, does the world of good for us. Follow him, follow me. Let's do it. Appreciate you. Smell your mouth. Go me. Let's do it. Appreciate you. Smell your mouth. Go ahead. Part four of four. Sure.

You nicked his catchphrase. Yeah. Oh, I really enjoyed that. Shall we do some correspondence? Let's. Don't let me down, correspondence. Don't let me down. Don't let me down. Correspondence.

We've got... Duffy. First off, we've got a question question question nice people write in

uber yeah yeah they see we've got our lives together and they go do you know what they've figured everything out from relationships to other relationships

and let's just get some advice from them we're doing advice in a minute question first this is from Connor if you had to win a game show to stay alive, what game show would you choose?

You've got to win the jackpot sort of thing. But you've just got to win the show. Uber, what's your go-to game show that you enjoy? I'm good at staring. That's not a game show,

is it? No, but it could be. It could be. We were all in media. We could make it one. The stare-off. Uber,

can you have... What fucking... What? Hang on. That's just set a memory off in my head. Was there... all in media we could make it one the stare off uber can you um what fucking what hang on that's just set a memory off in my head was there um was on big train was there a sketch about the international stay on what sorry big train yeah we were born in 1992 then after 40s yeah google it the international staring competition there we go and they animated it yes and they made it

like it looked like it was like an Olympic event I think you'd be weirdly good at it I'm good every Christmas we have

I've got lots of siblings and everyone comes to my parents fucking tiny house we all do an Olympics on the day all the different events staring

I'm good at that and limbo who do you think would be our best adversary in here who do you think would be our best adversary in here who do you think against you in a staring contest like i'm literally one of the bling the room yeah all of us four who do you think you'd be you know your toughest okay i'm doing one now then finn go on finn in the. Go for the audio listeners.

For the audio listeners, I'm going to line it up. We'll commentate on it. Get in the middle. Welcome to Liverpool. On your knees. Welcome to the first ever Havilland stare-off. If you're an audio listener. Knees, please.

This is Uber Butler versus... Is it Finn? Finn. Right, Finn, watch him. Look what he's doing. He's juicing his eyes off. Oh, yeah. What a pro.

And on the count of three. Who's adjudicating? Adam, can you look at Finn? Dan, can you look at Uber? All right. Ready? Three, two, one, go. Oh, Uber's got quite the smile on him during the stare.

Oh, he's doing the eye. Oh, he went! He went! Oh! You fucked it! Holy shit. The pressure, mate. The pressure.

Not only would you fail on this game show, but you've just lost to someone who's never been in this competition before. No, you weren't in Amazon, shitty! You never played! My God. You didn't look like a dog having a poo then, by the way. I was trying to get into my pocket.

Yeah, whatever. What other games do you play Christmas I've had three hours sleep that's no excuse that was humiliating what other Christmas parlour games do you play with your friends and family limbo any good at that

I mean probably not hey when you guys hear about Monopoly it's going to blow your mind the original question was better than the vibe that I've taken it on, wasn't it? No, it's great. We'll roll with it. We can go back to it.

We can pivot back to it. Which game shows do you reckon you'd stand a good chance on? It's a good question. Question? Pointless. I think I'm quite good at pointless. You didn't win. That's a good point, yeah.

Was it as humiliating as my staring contest? Yeah, I suppose it was. I blame Matt Richardson for that, though. He was my partner and he left us side, Dan. I'll have to be on my own. Name me some game shows. Some game shows. The Chase, Hole in the Wall.

Oh, Bring on the Wall! That one. Yeah. Play Your Cards Right. Supermarket Suite. Generation Game. I feel like who wants to be a millionaire? on the wall that one yeah play your cards right oh supermarket suite generation game I feel like who wants to be a millionaire at least

you've got the options and then you've got those like little telling you right now the tools you think it took me and Carl an hour and 20 minutes

to beat the million and about 37,000 attempts to do it on the plane oh mate I'm telling you right now if I get anywhere near 32 grand I'm going home with 32 grand you've got to win you've got you have to win the million no to stay alive no but this is for your

life you've got to win the game millionaire you're gonna win the million you can just get one question right you get it under you could do a different what an awful phone a friend that would be like i do please answer Taylor's going to kill me. In the past. Because I got, you know, if you're going to get killed, go with the OG presenter.

Fuck you. Catchphrase, deal or no deal. Catchphrase, I'm quite good at. See what you see. I'm good at that. Oh, by the way,

if you want to be entertained, watch Catchphrase with a six-year-old child. It's a lot of fun because they really do. Say what they say. Yeah, it's great fun. Dog playing.

Robot walking. Robot whistle walking. What was that one? It's Mr. Chips doing whatever, but it's an unbelievable fun. Her never getting one ever. I'm going to go with Family Fortunes. Family Fortunes is a good one,

but you're not relying on yourself.'m not good i'll be the team leader what's the easiest one i don't i think something like tipping points the easiest one you don't get asked that many questions it's normally yeah but you're relying on the 2p machine to on the 2p machine gods aren't you but that one i'm ben shepherd you can win this you can just win without winning the jackpot no it's only jackpots ben shepherd catching strays for no reason what's the easiest game by the way is is is traitor is traitors is it cast as a game show now we're talking it is oh my god i tried not to get into that but my daughter and my wife were watching it and I was in for a full four episodes.

That first season is awesome. And you go, could I do this? And I don't think I could. And the more you watch Traitors, you realize it's not just about being good at lying or spotting a traitor. It's also about being able to keep your fucking head down. Because I was like, oh, Adam would be good at this.

You'd be a great traitor, except you're too big a character and the attention would be on you too quick gonna be the good a man in that first season which i've not finished yet and i don't want any spoilers there's a welsh middle-aged lady called amanda who's like i don't know what am i doing oh i don't she just keeps her head down while she's fucking puppeteering the whole thing unbelievable it's really good watching have you seen the squid game game show no

is it good yeah it's really good like I thought it was going to be shit and it's really well made and really good I'd go with squid game because I'd win that

no you wouldn't I would I'd kill everyone you'd be so bad at all of it I'd kill everyone there was one that was on red light green light there was one that

Nick Knowles used to do I know so I'm not picking Nick Knowles yeah there was one that Nick Knowles did'd fall over straight away i know i know yeah there was one that nick knowles did on saturday night before the lottery that i really like it was like you've got a so you say you'd the category would be like oscar winners and me and carl were a team you'd go like eight you'd bid nine and we've just got a bid and then you're

like okay yeah and you've got a name then once i'm going for that one i can't remember what that one that was on for about three weeks where jeremy kyle hosted it. Oh, yeah. And you've got to name them once. I'm going for that one. I can't remember what it's called. What about that one that was on for about three weeks where Jeremy Kyle hosted it and he was allowed to help you and he was shit at it? It was such a stupid game. Did you remember it? So there was a game show

and it was like, it was like, who wants to be a millionaires? It was like a ladder game show where it goes up in money and Jeremy Kyle would ask you the question but then he could help you. He was your teammate as well.

High stakes. Yeah, but he was just shit at it. What? Why have they given him a game show so imagine if Chris Tarrant could help you they can now Clarkson can help now

yeah and he's always dog shit at it as well it's so fucking it's a ridiculous way to do it I think I'm going total wipe out no the cube

the cube the cube's like So hard So difficult And every game is Designed to be Like the Cube sort of Or the producers of the Cube

They learn what you're good at And what you're bad at And keep giving you stuff you're bad at To catch his castle I probably got the voice You know Because of the natural talent X Factor

The Bachelor Yeah There's no easy ones, is there? No. To save me life, I genuinely, I know I've already been on it and didn't win.

I think my best shot would be Pointless. Genuinely. I just had a bad day. Wheel of Fortune. That's not Wheel of Fortune, is it? That's Strictly Come Dancing. Let's do some advice.

Wheel of Fortune. There you go. What about Strictly Come Dancing? I strictly come dancing. Let's do some advice. Wheel of Fortune. There you go. What about strictly come dancing? I can't dance. Can't sing, no. Do you know what the noise is? Do you know what the noise is in Wheel of Fortune

when you get a question wrong? Do you remember it? Eden, her father, that was identical to her. It's nice to see you spending so much time together again. It's really nice. Right, this one is from an anonymous lady hi boys i really need some anonymous advice i'm in my first

year at uni studying advertising and one of my lecturers is so fucking fit he's in his late 20s and i have him as a personal tutor and the sexual chemistry is blatantly there he's dead complimentary about all my assignments and we often have one-on-one meetings. I've bought him a new fleece as a Christmas present. But should I make a move when I give it to him? Please help, lads. No, because you'll lose his job. Nothing sexier than a fleece at Christmas.

This will be so watered. Leave him alone. This is the same as before. Stop trying to bait people into making them ruin their lives. Leave him alone. What if it's true love, Carl? Tell time to leave his job then danny loves you if he actually leaves his job he loves you you need to leave wait until you finish uni sheffield hallam you uni's very different to college it seems to me in terms of the well ethically yeah student i mean you want to keep going on the list it's also different than high school i'm you would lose your job if you were found to be sleeping with a student because they just go you I mean, you want to keep going on the list. It's also different than high school and primary school. Yeah, I didn't want to talk about that one.

You would lose your job if you were found to be sleeping with a student because they'd just go, you're giving them good grades as well. No, you would. No. Well, someone found out who you know. They found out you're shagging the students and just left them out. Yeah, but he went to Salford. There's different rules, isn't it?

Don't shag no one. And if you do, keep it fucking quiet. Give them a tutu. Don't shag a first, do you know what, keep it fucking quiet. Give him a tutu. Don't shag her first. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, just don't do this. Like, just enjoy the sexual tension and frig yourself off when you need to.

Wow. It's good advice. But give him the fleece. There's nothing better than just having, like, a forbidden love that you frig yourself off to. Have a one club. You'll feel better. And don't ruin this fella's life in your own little bursty.

What the world needs now. But it would be good if they had sex, it'd feel great. Oh, it'd be the best sex either of them has ever had. That's not the point. It's not allowed.

Exactly. When do you play by the rules? Frig. Oh God. Have a frig. Just have a frig. Not a man with a frig. You'll feel great after a little frig.

You'll feel clearer. Sure. That was it. That's the advice. So have a frig. I just want to be a contrarian. Have a frig. What uni did you go to?

I can't remember. I know you. I didn't go to uni. Did you not bother at all? No. Even I beat you. That's always satisfying when I'm getting.

Beat? I went to uni for a week. Did you? Yeah. He went to Finesse week and then left. So yeah, you really lost that one.

Yeah, you didn't go to uni. But he got a student loan out. Yeah, that night. I didn't. That's why I left. Really?

I left before I got the loan so I wasn't in debt. Where did you go for a week? You just used student loan out. Yeah. I didn't. That's why I left. Really? I left before I got the loan so I wasn't in debt. Where did you go for a week? He used my loan instead. I used his loan. I'm Wonga. The provvy man. Yeah.

Literally. You're shit anyway. Kids, if you're listening, you don't need to go to uni. You can do other things. And I was skilled once, I'll give that. But you don't have to go to uni.

Genuinely. Yeah, there's someone on the couch that pretty much proves that point All of us I could have a chip on my shoulder Because of it though Really? Yeah

But you've not Yeah but if you've used the chip For like your career That's fine isn't it? Yeah My dad always says it to me He says you've got a massive chip On your shoulder

About not going to uni And I was like Cheers dad But I think he's probably right He's probably right When my kids get older I'm going to uni. I was like, cheers, dad. I think he's probably right. He's probably right. When my kids get older, I'm going to be like,

just go and give it a try because it's loads of fun. It's so good. It's so much fun. Like, if you want to work, like, your work in life will be forever after. This is a little window to go and just have a laugh.

Yeah, but that's not bad advice for saying to someone to go to uni, isn't it? You can leave the city and work if you want that life. Don't go to uni have a laugh but that's not bad advice for saying for someone to go to uni isn't it you leave the city and work if you want that life don't go to uni for the laugh that's a waste of money and time no just go to experience something just try it don't dismiss it like if you go and you don't enjoy it and it's not for you there's no shame in not giving it a go but your working life can start will start as soon as you go i'm not into this or when you get the degree just give it a try because it because it was brilliant it changed my perspective on so many things absolutely

got me out of my town i met so many people people that were like the best man at my wedding i met a like i had met so many people and i just i feel like just give it a go because the other the other option is there forever but your children could just leave town and not go to uni and not spend that much like 10 grand a year they could just move to newcastle anyway yeah and work in a cocktail bar isn't it just depressing though that we're like yeah it shouldn't i'll do that the money thing is the big is like the biggest thing isn't it like and if you don't grow up with a lot of money then saddling yourself for that he's like because i i sort of sort of completely understand the thing and not wanting to get into debt, but also like,

should the value of it be going and doing that stuff anyways, as you say, transformative. Yeah, the reality is you're not going to go and travel three hours and start in a new city. And it's just such a free hit because there's so many other students get dropped in a city with accommodation. It's a shared experience.

Like you're all new here. Like- Yeah, no, I understand all that, but is that worth all the debt? No. Because't know you can still do yes we went out it was brilliant yeah but we lived in liverpool we still got to go out as much as you did but if you get there and you hate it and like it's not just about the going out but it's like it's maybe different for you because you love the city you were born in yeah it's not like that for everyone else yeah i hate i fucking hate where i'm from you were yeah i'm not a fan of it's so bad sorry i'm not a massive fan of uh of reddit of like reddit the specific village within reddit

so i mean i like it's charming but like that i think i'm not i don't i don't have that draw like a home you don't have a hometown pride of like i'm from the do from the village the specific village i do fecking them yes there is like my mom's family been there for three or four hundred years or whatever i got webbed toes yeah yeah but like you know but like the the midlands i don't i feel bad saying this saying out loud i just don't have that same thing that definitely Scouse is very, I think it's unique the way that you guys feel about your city. Yeah, totally.

But like, I don't, I just don't have the same thing. I think it's charming and it makes me happy whenever someone like messages and is from, who went to the same school or whatever, I have like a warmth towards it, but i don't have the i definitely don't i i've lived in london now for like nine years and i definitely love london but i and i love feckham where i'm from but like the like the redditch or we're into school and stuff i i know i love preston when i was there i thought it was great place to grow up but i knew when i was when it was uni time i was like i'm going somewhere else now like i wasn't i didn't hate it when i

was growing up there but it's just a smaller town it's a it's it's a different experience isn't it than one of the biggest cultural centers in the uk yeah i'm saying don't be feel like you're forced to go to uni when you're 18 also i've had a different experience with student debt haven't because i just rang the student loan company and got told how much i owe them and i said i don't think it's a different like it's different i borrowed about six grand yeah 15 17 18 years ago and i've paid a chunk of it back i just did my tax return they're like oh you owe this much and it was quite a lot so just through panic i rang the student loans company who i haven't spoken to for all of that time and i had to go through security and finally went okay and it took a while because i had never done it before and the guy was like i'm pleased to tell you you owe 73 pence and i laughed and he laughed and i told him that if i could climb through the phone and kiss him i would

and then i cleared my student loan debt of 73 pence and what did you have to give me back what for 73p yeah but then about 3 grand went out of my account but I imagine they're just going to give that back don't worry it was George Ezra

on the other end of the phone oh my god that would be funny I reckon you should finish school you finish school at 18 don't you yeah

I reckon you should finish school at 18 and not be able to go to uni until you're 20 I could see that that's what I did I went back when I was 24 learn what money is learn what you love learn who you love where you love and then choose rather than going oh i need to go because everyone else is and end up getting in debt hating your life

and yeah is that what you did uber you got to 18 and went i'm gonna leave it for a bit and then i wanted to do the band yeah so i wanted to be i wanted to try and be a musician so i worked in a factory and sort of you know in the midlands from about 18 to 19 work jobs did that and then was in the band as i did that and then by the time i got to uh whatever 20 i deferred i i had a place at uni if i wanted it and i just deferred i deferred and then deferred for the third time and then i just didn't go do you know the only thing that i wouldn't if if my kids got to that age and they were like i want want to be this, like a comedian, I will never swap those first few years of working bar jobs

and just any shit job. Like we've talked about Adam working the bars, Envy and all sorts, because you're like, couldn't give a shit because I have a dream. Like to be able to have that, that was more valuable than the time at uni. But if I hadn't gone to uni,

I wouldn't have known that comedy clubs existed. So it's all interlinked for me. I had to get out of Preston to go, oh shit, there's like comedy clubs. I just think it's worth the shot. And if you don't like it, you can... But I hope my kids get to that point where they're like, I'm really in love with the idea of this thing,

whether it's a band or being an actor or whatever, and they can just throw themselves into it. Esther's going to be a performer of some sort, isn't she? Absolutely. But if you grew up in Germany, you wouldn't even have to think about it because it's free. Just be like, oh, yeah, I'll go. You may as well.

Yeah. That's the difference, isn't it? If it was free, then I would advise my children to go. I'd be like, yeah, go and do it. The amount of money it costs in this country, and especially even more so in America, you've got to know that you want to go and that you're going to use it, I think.

I didn't use mine. I mean, I wouldn't be able to do the things I've done without it. It's so much money to have just hanging around your neck forever. But if you haven't gone, look, there's a lot of people. No, absolutely. But I went back at 24. I chose to go back because I did something I loved and knew I was good at,

and I was old enough to not fuck it up. The thing's fucking mad though isn't it that is mad that is insane and that is like we have like aristocracy and everything in britain is like its own weird unique thing where the fucking prime minister or they'll go to the same school that's like its own weird thing america's just so mad that if you pay enough like the ivy league thing it's just like you have to be rich to do that really it's crazy in this country how so much of our like we've come from the aristocratic model but so much of our institutions are that basically socialist socialist socialist ideology aren't they like right a health a universal health care and like so many things that you'd think having the kind of class system that we've got we would have never been granted it's pretty

impressive like we've talked about the nhs many a time how important it is and then you look at america with all of that thing with with particularly the health care and then education and like i wouldn't i wouldn't swap it i know it's an amazing country none of it would have happened if the the two wars and happened and then it was like this huge thing where like then all of a sudden it was like oh wait that poor people's lives actually have value and they aristocracy didn't want that did they didn't want a welfare state they didn't want a whole strike like there's i i think it's such a it's so much luck that we have those things in place that the tories to quell a revolution essentially yeah yeah exactly i mean isn't it wasn't it in liverpool where it might not have been so i don't want to

commit to it but where churchill got like booed when he come off the boat because they wanted they were like vote labor vote labor i'm not sure about that maybe but it might might be but he did somewhere and it was like and then they he voted they voted out winston churchill like that that's you don't the history doesn't you don't think about that do you because obviously there's a war here or whatever it'd be like for a wartime prime minister it's a different thing and he's also got a pretty murky past in the north as a home secretary well before the war yeah it's pretty hardline motherfucker like bad old tory that he's remembered for all the war hero stuff i was in central london i mean in central london

which is even seen that's down there as well yeah yeah yeah well yeah I mean he's yeah they voted I mean we voted him out

so that's like and then built the welfare state it's just such a weird thing to even think about this country doing that now it's just like

such a lack of imagination it's gonna happen December next year we're one year away I think I'm rejoining the Labour Party I feel you're setting yourself up for maybe your lack of imagination. It's going to happen December next year. We're one year away. I think I'm rejoining the Labour Party. I feel like...

You set yourself off for maybe the... Do you know that... Why? It's time. It's got to be. Oh no, the Labour are going to win. Yeah, we've got to get...

Quite convincingly. I'm an Everton fan, Dan. They're just better. Oh shit, yeah, yeah. Vote blue. Labour are going to get a 10 point deduction yeah I'm just

Misery just follows me around I think that's a podcast I think it is mate Uber Butler it's been an absolute fucking pleasure to meet you and talk to you tell everyone where they can find your work and where they can find anything else you've got coming up if you can't say for now that's fine but let them know

yeah yeah so you can get all of my original videos on Vice's YouTube. There's a playlist called Life Hacks with Uwe Butler. There's six videos on there, which I'm proud of. And then most recently, great Amazon heist. You get it on more for whatever it's called, for player, whatever the fuck it's called. And then on Channel 4's YouTube. And then if you're outside the UK, we're working with offers for the rights for the film in be funny if it ends up on amazon prime that'd

be really good if i was the head of amazon i'd do that i'd buy it yeah come on then we'll have a bit of that tonk it uh no so yeah hopefully soon everyone will get a chance to see it but if you go on my like go on my socials at ubers you can i've been like uploading bits and bobs wonderful uh as always uh join up to the patreon early access to public episodes and extra content every week and every month three quid a month it starts at and you get all the content for that i'm on tour adamrodocko.uk uh shows added all over the uk and a big show at the live pill arena in may um dan i'm doing some Dan Nightingale and Fiennes shows. Come and see me fuck around, compare. Go back to my first love of hosting comedy shows.

I've got about 30 of these throughout the year. And second Saturday of the month, I'm at my comedy club in Chester. So there's not loads of shows for me next year, but all the listings are at dannightingale.com. Fiennes? Yes, we've got a tune. This is from a Edinburgh-based indie rock band called Wa've got a tune this is from a edinburgh-based

indie rock band called waverly and this is their tune not hoping that's just for the audio listeners I'm not holding If you're not there I miss my brother The way we shared It's not love, it's it It's shaking loose Bring your history It's not love, it's it. It's shaking loose. Print your history.

It's gorgeous news. It's not hard. Soon we'll be. It's move to London. Brand new. The grand dream I'm not hoping To show some care Let's fall in love Take me there Take me there

Take me there Across the hallway I see your face Makes a difference even A crowded place I stand on speaking So scared to see You grow more lovely Than lost in me It's our time

Slow release I'm just so tired All I've done is sleep I'm not hoping Show some care It's falling home, it will never be I miss the cold air, it breathes on me I'll never be a Mr. Cold Hair It breathes on me

I'm not hoping To show some care Just fall in love Take me there Cynhyrchu'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd. Cynhyrchu'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd. Cynhyrchu'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd. Cynhyrchu'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd. Cynhyrchu'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd. Cynhyrchu'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd. Cynhyrchu'r ffwrdd o'r ffwrdd. Thank you. you