Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #258 with Josh Pugh - Have A Word w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: January 8, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's music: https://linktr.ee/finnlaykThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Supreme CBD | https://supremecbd.ukStress less and sleep better with Supreme CBD using code WORD40 at checkout to get 40% off sitewideFüm | https://tryfum.co.ukHead to tryfum.com/HAVEAWORD and use code HAVEAWORD to save an additional 10% off your order today.BetterHelp | https://betterhelp.com/word10Get 10% off your first month!NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Become one of the lids:https://patreon.com/haveawordpodTickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comFind us everywhere:https://haveaword.pageDiscord:https://discord.gg/haveawordpodFollow the podcast, our hosts and our guest on social media:Have A Wordhttps://facebook.com/haveawordpodhttps://twitter.com/haveawordpodhttps://instagram.com/haveawordpodAdam Rowehttps://facebook.com/adamrowecomedianhttps://twitter.com/adamrowecomedyhttps://instagram.com/adamrowecomedianDan Nightingalehttps://facebook.com/danhasapodcasthttps://twitter.com/danhasapodcasthttps://instagram.com/danhasapodcastJosh Pughhttps://twitter.com/joshpughcomichttps://instagram.com/joshpughcomicADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

People of Ireland and the UK, this is Adam Rowe, host of the Have A Word podcast, the one that you've just put on to either watch or listen to, and I have added loads more tour dates to my tour. We're just about to kick back off again. We're going to Ireland in January. We've got Limerick, Galway, Cork, Dublin and Derry all coming up this month. You can get tickets at adamrowe.co.uk and also all the shows that were already on sale in the UK are still there there's tickets left for most of them and we've just added some shows

in places we weren't previously coming to Air in Scotland Edinburgh Brighton Leeds Blackpool Durham

Huddersfield Bridgewater Southampton Cardiff Coventry and of course Liverpool at the M&S Bank Arena

on the 18th of May they're all on sale now at adamrow.co.uk and we announced it on Patreon last week so some of them are starting to run low. Go and get some of the tickets. Come and see me do the best hour of stand-up I think I've ever done. adamrow.co.uk forward slash tour

or you can just go to adamrow.co.uk and then click the tour link. Just make it easy for you. You know what I mean? See you on the road. I can't wait. Bye. What's happening lids?

How are we? Before we go into this week's absolutely brilliant episode of Have A Word, I've got a few things to tell you about. First of all, as of 18th of January next year, I am back on tour

all day to adamrode.co.uk, including the M&S Bank Arena on Saturday the 18th of May. But the big stuff, if you've been a listener for a while, surely you already know about this. We have got the biggest Patreon membership in the UK for a reason, starting at just three quid a month at patreon.com slash have a word pod.

What do they get, Daniel? Well, they get an exclusive, a Patreon exclusive, every Wednesday, video and audio, which is just the lads, an hour, an hour and a half of unfiltered, unadulterated, have a word bullshit. Early access to these public episodes and the pièce de résistance, the reason we're the biggest in the game,

is their Patreon specials. Every single month you get a special. So we've done two ghost hunts. We've done an uncountable amount of lock-ins. I mean, I could count it if I could be arsed, but I'm not going to do that right now. We've been to Nashville for the absolute three-part epic. We've been to Amsterdam.

We've done a restaurant special. There's just so much. There's like 25 Patreon specials. It's the reason we are the biggest Patreon in the UK. And there's a brand new one

every single month and the ones in 2024 that we've got planned are bigger than anything we've ever done before. Go and sign up now at patreon.com slash have a word pod

and even from just three quid a month you get all of the content and there's more benefits if you sign up for five or ten quid. See it on the other side enjoy the episode we've already recorded it

and it was on 4combrow so class wag wag leads you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool

with Adam Dan Sensei Carl and Finn this is the one and only Have A Word brought to you by

Manscaped, the very best products on the market for below-the-waist grooming. Go, Ed, get on me. He's a white supremacist. You like that? Yeah, great. Really good. Let's not talk about Finn anymore.

Anyway, welcome to the podcast, everyone. First public record of the year. Oh, and doesn't it feel good? Doesn't it feel fresh? Michigan Rose Bowl champions. Oh, and you're a big Rose Bowl. Is that the Rose Bowl? That means they're in the final now, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are they in the Super Bowl?

They're in the national championship final, I think. College, the under-21s, under-23s, the young'uns. Who's in the Super Bowl final? Shut up. No one's in it. No one Shut up. No one's in it. No one knows yet. No one's in it. Ravens looking very good.

Still like the 49ers, if I'm honest. How old are the NFL players? How old are they when they peak? What? NFL players. How old's Kelsey? I think they usually do

a little longer in college. So you may be coming out and there's obviously you're generalizing here. Maybe you come out at 22, 23 and you get a 10 11 year career some of these top players only turn pro at 23 which is later than like our football in it seven years and then they can be done in at 10 years so you look at careers and go the all-time like first ballot hall of famers can have 10 11 year careers and you're like to a footy fan like a

british footy fan you look at it and goes it looks short but it's a it's a much more brutal sport they are knocking the fuck out of each other but isn't he like 40 or wasn't he 40 he's 45 45 so there are then positional differences like he's looking running backs come in at 22 and they're done at 28. Like they can go five years because they're just running into massive men and getting like trampled. Michael Owen. QBs can go longer.

But like Tom Brady was 45. Had a whole TB12 thing with his diet. Just has lived an exceptional life. Probably a boring pint. I think that's fair to say. What's that TV show with Paul Rudd and Aisling B? Oh, the Living With Yourself. Yeah, have you seen that?

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically, you go in and get a new body. How many times has he won it? I think he's won six or seven. He comes out and he goes, first time? He goes, you? He goes, no, this is me sixth.

And it's been fair and that's why he keeps winning the Super Bowl. I've started a journal. You see, we're talking about athletes and Adam was like, yep, that's my time to jump in. I'm an athlete. Like Samuel Pepys. I don't know who that is. Like a gratitude one or a diary?

Because you want to win six or seven Super Bowls, don't you? So now's the time to start journaling well I'm becoming an athlete this year yeah yeah yeah yeah it's the year of athlete yeah yeah I set out my marathon training regime yesterday but what I started doing is at the end of every day

I write down what I've achieved that day in pokes what do you do this in pokes I haven't been drinking for three days. Four days. I'm not drinking until Dublin. No. Drink.

Till Dublin. What? Dublin. When are you going to Dublin? So we get in Ireland on the 23rd. Dublin's the 25th. 25th of this month. Yes.

And it's the third of this month. Yeah. You're an athlete. It's your birthday. That's what all athletes are like. Yeah, I'm not going to drink. I'm going to go on tonight. I'm not going to drink tonight. Yes. And it's the third of this month. Yeah. You're an athlete. It's your birthday. That's what all athletes are like. Yeah, I'm not going to drink. I'm going to go on tonight. I'm not going to drink tonight.

Lovely. Just to reiterate, he's an athlete who doesn't drink until he's in Pogues or Dublin. Some athletes drink like while they're athlete-ing. Yeah. Look at Michael Van Gerwen and the lot.

Maybe not him actually. Yeah, those athletes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they can go years. It's amazing the careers they can have. You can have a drink while you're training. You just have to do it in moderation. Yeah.

Yeah. So what I've been doing every night, I write down everything I've achieved that day and everything I want to achieve. I could do a marathon pissed. Go on. Everything I want to achieve the next day, but also when I write down what I want to achieve the next day,

I also write me weekly, monthly, and yearly goals and make sure my daily ones are all in pursuit of those. So every day you're writing the yearly ones? Is that not a waste? So what did you do yesterday? No, because it keeps it in your mind. What did you hit yesterday? What did I hit yesterday?

10,000 steps. Nice. Visit me cousin. And Nick. Who's 5,000 steps away. So that worked out really well alright Dolly coming over

luckily you're 5,000 away that's my 10k contact three people who owe me money that's not five

that's one thing no individual things there were three emails he's cheating

walk one step five steps loan shark without a car I'm coming for the money emails. He's cheating. Walk one step. Five steps. Lone shark without a car. I'm coming for the money. It'll take me two and a half hours because I'm walking around for me steps. When I get there, I'm going to stamp on your fucking

head and that's another step. Fill me journaling. Have you paid people as well? Paid people you are. Shut up. You can't have that one. You can't have fill your journal in. It's a point in your journal. But it's arduous for me. Open the journal.

Rotate the journal. Close the journal. Feed things. That is one though, isn't it? Shut up. Start using me water flosser. What's that? It's me.

For your vagina? To clean out your vag? Who the fuck are you? What's happened? What? Stay under 2,000 calories. I didn't run yesterday. I wrote down, didn't run.

What? Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't walk on the moon as well. Clean the flat. Didn't kill a vampire. That's another thing. There's loads of things you haven't done.

You haven't built a hovercraft out of, you know, bolts of wood. There's loads of things you haven't done you haven't built a hovercraft out of you know bolts of wood I did the dishes straight away big for me that start reading a book I read two chapters of The Shining read The Shining four years into this fucking podcast

happy birthday everyone four years in it's the fucking January book reading bullshit. You're going to write more in the journal of any book that you read. Like, oh, yeah, read a book. Yeah, the book is the journal. Oh, I contacted my accountant

and I contacted a mortgage advisor yesterday because I want to make sure this is the year that I actually sort myself out and buy a house. I think that might be it. And what are you doing today? I updated my website. I got loads done yesterday. Very productive. And you're all fucking charlatans by the way. I think that might be it. And what are you doing today? I updated my website. I got loads done yesterday. Very productive.

And you're all fucking charlatans by the way. I'm supporting you. You had a meeting with your PT. I had a meeting with my PT. Wrote that down as well. Didn't shit yourself? Didn't shit myself. You had to shit yourself.

What's today's goals? Talk to me accountant again. Not sexually assaulting Otter. He's got a big list. Talk to me, accountant, again. Not sexually assaulting Otter. He's got a big list. Talk to me, accountant, again. I've got to run five kilometres slowly. To your cousins? To your cousins?

No, I'm just going to treadmill that because it's easier today. Ah, yeah, yeah. Got to stick under 2,000 calories again, which is going to be difficult because I'm going for a Chinese tonight, so I'm going to try and make that the only meal of the day. I'll have a really light lunch in a bit. Yeah. Oh, today's a lot shorter than yesterday, which is fine.

Got a couple of washes done yesterday. Yourself? These are big tasks, aren't they? These are massive. Got washed. Massive. I mean, it's being a normal human. A lot of those are just being a human

but I struggle with that so it's good innit I wasn't doing any of this last year Dan give me three staples that you should be doing every day every day three staples that you're going to do every day every day are we doing another

are we all doing another new years fucking set of resolutions I want to do new years revolutions how many Cuba it's going back to fascism a cold shower this morning. Are we all doing another New Year's fucking set of resolutions? I want to do New Year's revolutions. How many? Cuba. It's going back to fascism. What should I be doing?

Yeah. Don't smoke crack. No. Wank less. You should be watching less porn. It's rotting your mind. What do you mean? I mean,

if we're going to do true ones. Yeah. Yeah, we are doing true ones. So you can put cold plunge in there. That's a free one for you. You love it. I did the cold shower thing this morning. That's a starter one for cold plunging.

My friend Claire listened to me at Christmas because I was like, mate, it's doing me amazing good. I think it's good for inflammation. It's good for your mental health. And she was like, yeah, what if I just turn the shower like a little less hot at the end? Do you think that'll be the same? I was like, no, Claire, that's not the same. You lazy fuck same you lazy fucker no it is it is it's a very similar thing it's not

as from from having the uh like at 10 heat she was like turn it down to eight no no no no but I she was like will I get less inflammation if it's just seven for 30 seconds so I I had me showered on hot got a full shower and then put it as cold as my shower goes. Yeah, that's not what you meant. And got in it for as long as I could be in it. That's not, that is 100% not what you meant. You do feel good, like when you get out,

when you're in it, it's difficult. Well, Dan, you can put that. Cold plunging. Cold plunging. Oh, guys. Let's not talk about it. Twice a day. We're not talking about it.

Twice a day. Well, talking about it twice a day well there's one of your things fucking phenomenal talk to your kids more what one of my one of my goals is to talk to your kids more

I want to meet them I met Etta twice I think a third time this year would be good and to meet Jack for the first time Jack's taken against you though

he's not into it yeah yeah yeah he likes a more whimsical stand up does he yeah he's only three but he just takes against some of the opinion yeah. He likes a more whimsical stand-up. Does he? Yeah. He's only three, but he just takes against some of the opinion base.

I haven't done a whimsical special yet. Maybe that'll be my next one. I don't know. Whimsy. Kiss Laura more? Put it in the diary. On the bumhole? No.

You can't do that every day. She'd notice. I could. If she would let me, I would kiss that woman on the bumhole every day. Touch her bum more, kiss her more, talk to the kids more. But, like, you're listening to things that I do all the time.

Okay, don't do that then. No, I mean, it's just, like, I can do them more, but I'm already, like, I'm home all the time. What aren't you doing? Talk. Oh, I should have done that, and I didn't. Isn't it quite surprising that women's arseholes

don't taste like shit when you, like, moth them out? Do you know what I mean? When you lick a bumhole. That genuinely does surprise me. I'm not messing. It does, don't it? Mine could be this clean it's never been in

and it tastes like poo. No, Carl. Yeah. You're going to catch it on my arsehole. I think you'd have a squeaky cleaner. Apart from the hair. I thought you said this for men. Apart from the Iberian bum hair.

No, whenever I get my arsehole lick in my head, I'm like, she is eating poo right now. No, whenever I get my arsehole look in my head, I'm like, she is eating poo right now. No, you do, yeah. She is eating poo. She's getting pooed off, mate. Poo-pooed off. Yeah.

But I love looking at women's arsehole. It doesn't taste like shit at all. If anything, it tastes a bit like pussy because it's dripped into it. Just to reaffirm, just in case my wife is watching, this isn't your arsehole we're talking about, darling. I want to make that clear.

We've gone into a more general lady bum hole area. Spend more time with Jack. I'm trying to find him. And his brother. Yeah, I'm going to spend more time with Jack, his brother. I haven't been doing it enough.

We watched the cup final together a few years ago. That won't help you cocaine, will it? I'll tell you that right now. Don't do cocaine today. Yeah, again, that's not hard. But it has been a bit more regular recently. Laura's given me the warning.

I think you just need to think of things you should be able to achieve. Make your bed. Oh, my God. What about you, Carl? Oh, I made me bed this morning and yesterday. Carl, what about you? We've literally done this three times.

No, it's not the same. We have done these three things. It's habits that you need to change. This is three episodes of, like, right, come on this year. Just because you don't understand the difference, you're just thick. This is a slow rebrand to a motivational podcast. Why aren't you seeing this?

I cannot believe we are doing this because he's gone, right? new me the whole podcast is becoming right what we're doing different this year are you kidding we are high performers yeah bullshit go to bed earlier i got in bed at 11 last night and started reading my book is joey's reading done i love it when he's on the piss it's so much so much more fun it's so much more thank you know what he's reading, Dan? I love it when he's on the piss. It's so much more fun. It's so much more fun. Dan, do you know what he's reading? And he's dragging all of us into it. He's like, right, this is what I'm...

And it's great. I love it. But then you are looking at us going, right, come on. Everyone's doing it. How are we all making ourselves better? I'm just ticking along. I am just... I'm fine.

We're doing... I'm doing all right. Nothing grows in the comfort zone. I'm in the comfort zone. Nothing grows. I've just had a busy year of touring. I've just been fucking working. You toured from September to November.

What? You toured from September to November. I started gigging in January. The whole thing was- You started gigging 20 years ago to November. The whole thing was building up to the tour. Such a busy year. Oh, fuck me, eight weeks.

Finished at the end of November. Oh, I need to go two years off now. But it's literally because you are going, right, I'm doing everything. And then all of us have to be like, right, how are you bettering yourselves? How are you bettering yourselves? What?

Two months. I need two years off now. You're saying that the Jimmy Carr. That's me. That's me. September to November is two months. September to November is two months, yeah. It's three months, technically.

September to November is two months. yeah. It's three months, technically. September to November is two months. The start of September, all of... What are we even talking about? I spent the whole year building up to that tour. I started previewing in June, and I finished at the end of November. I'm a proud of you, yeah. But we...

Why are you being a bitch now? No, because we've just done... This is the third episode where we're like, right, come on, what are we all doing? And none of us give a fuck. It's just because Adam's doing a fucking self-help week, which he'll be bored of in three weeks when, surprise, surprise, he's in Dublin.

Speak for yourself. Oh, my God. I cannot believe it. Do you know what? I'm going to do less this year. I'm going to be a worse person just to counteract you. I'm going to do more cocaine. I'm going to lick someone worse person just to counteract you. I'm going to do more cocaine. I'm going to lick someone else's bum hole.

I've not decided who. Hopefully not Jack, his brother. Someone's getting fucking bum licked. I'm going to be a worse person. I'm going to be more racist. You're going to let people out when they're driving less? You what? When you're driving less. I'm going to smash into the cunts. Smash into the cunts. I'm going to park

in disabled base constantly for a laugh. Even if someone's already in there. I'm going to park in disabled bays constantly for a laugh. Even if someone's already in there. I'm going to make them more disabled. I didn't think that one through. And maybe I shouldn't have said that. That's bad. That was bad. Is that bad?

I'll tell you what. I'll even it out. Go on. Last night, I parked in a parent and child bay on my own. Right. That's it. Yeah, but you've always done that. No, genuinely.

This is true. You like doing that. Last night, on the way back from visiting my cousin. Sorry, everyone that's disabled. I was just joking. Okay. I parked. I went to Asda on the way home because I decided that...

I went for pasta with Finn yesterday afternoon, and I needed to have, like, a really healthy... Oh! No, no, no. No, no, no. Get some fucking tag'll get some fucking telly telly you're jealous not shit yeah i am you were literally invited and you went home to be with your wife and kids so shut up apparently i need to do more go on go on it wasn't just me and finn by the way matthew and harry came as well oh shit then right so i had a bit of pasta so i wanted a really high protein dinner

at like nine o'clock last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I went and I got eggs and chicken to have a chicken omelette. Right? Chicken, onion and mushroom to be specific.

And I got to Asda in Fortinbootle Lake. Right? This is the accent in Bootle if you're not from the Liverpool area. It's very, very north Liverpool. Oh, fucking hell. You've come a long way north. You're in in Bootle if you're not from the Liverpool area. It's very, very north Liverpool. Oh, fucking hell, you've come a long way north.

You're in fucking Bootle. It's a bit over north. And I parked in the parent and child base. It's got to be, hasn't it? It's all around the top, isn't it? It's north of here. Yeah. Yeah, I reckon geographically

it's got to be a bit north, hasn't it? Kind of. Really? Isn't it just up the coast? What's mad is Liverpool city centre is not in the centre of the city it's on the far left

which ironically is quite apt ironically don't know where's C4 C4's the other way no it can't be no it's not

C4 Bool's got to be near C4 I thought it was more that way you don't know what you're on about more left

you don't know where you're going you don't even know Bool it's north it's north of way. You don't know what you're on about. You don't know where you're going. You don't even know, Google. Wow, there goes a full seat. Your mad cunt. It's north. It's north of here?

Yeah. I didn't say that. It's also north of Liverpool. I mean, like the city centre. Right, we're in the weeds. I parked in a parent and child thing in a car park that had maybe five other cars in it,

in the whole thing. It's as the superstore, so it's a massive car park. It's late at night. Right. Yeah, it was like eight o'clock. young children probably aren't out shopping with the parents there are there is maybe 30 parent and child pays right and i parked in the one nearest to the store because it was absolutely pissing down and i had no coat and i got out and some fucking fat old

cunt fella went mate you're not supposed to park there unless you've got a kid you know they have people with kids. He didn't even have a kid with him. I was like, why are you so concerned about kids? You're a fat pedophile. Did he work at Morrison's? No.

And if he did, and if he did, and he was doing this in the Asda car park, that'd be even weirder. That's the next question. Separate question. Did he work at Asda?

He was just coming out of Asda he had a bit of shop and he hadn't even paid for the bag he just like trying it and he went dev people with kids them you know mate

and I went mate it's pissing on I'm just parking near the shop he went yeah you're not supposed to do that lad people with kids

are meant to get priority you're not supposed to fucking park there you park there if you've got your kid with you and I went mate fuck off

and just walked in and got out the way and what Adam did what kind of fucking boring stupid cunt. Do you know what it is? He's a paedophile and that's where he hunts.

Yeah. I thought there was a victim getting up. Carl pulled up. He was excited. Thinking about it, everything he was carrying was Haribo. He had like loads of Haribo. That's his fucking kid wielding sweets, aren't he? Everything he was carrying was Haribo.

Yeah. Wow. He was only carrying Haribo and he was like, well, there's no kids in your car. Back to the Mollison's for me. What's the cutoff where, because I think parking in Parent and Child is annoying. Middle of an afternoon,

yeah, it's annoying. Yeah. But what's the time, what's the time where it's got to be in and around eight o'clock where you're like, there are no kids, there's no parents with kids

at eight o'clock at night. I was swearing in the bar in Tenerife at 1am when you heard there's a kid there kid there i was like i couldn't give a fuck it's 1am you should be in bed yeah don't watch the telly after i mean there's a watershed for the park when i was at the arsenal games there's just there's an eight-year-old kid and like carl was like fucking content so what he's in a gap oh yeah just sexually assaulting then he's in a gap of one a.m oh yeah just sexually assaulting then he's in a pub no no it's not the same thing

no it's not the same thing I just didn't want to lose the argument if he's in a do you know the other day when I was at the Arsenal game like there was a family next to me

a woman a man and a child and like during the game everyone's swearing and she literally turned to a fella and was like I didn't think

there'd be this much swearing this is not okay there's kids here and I it took every fibre of my being to not tell her to get out the fucking stand. I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? You didn't know there'd be this much swearing

in a football match, you stupid cop. Where were you, in the car? No, I was in the Upper Annie. Oh, swearing in the car? Well, it is Norwegian swearing. What's the Upper Annie? The Upper Anfield Road. Oh, sorry.

I've never heard it called the Upper Annie. Because you're a wolf. Am I a wolf? I thought I wasn't. You sort of. Because you're close wool. Am I a wool, though? I thought I wasn't. You sort of. Because you're close enough to Liverpool and you've got that voice. People from New Zealand, the wools.

Yeah. Is that not a separate thing, though? No. All right. What about people from Mozambique? Yeah. Are they wools? Yeah.

You know those parent and child bays? Yeah. Right. It doesn't actually say parent and child anywhere. As long as you're with someone, it was slightly taller or smaller than you. Yeah. You're parking in the right one

because it's just a small person holding. It doesn't say anything. If you've got a fella, yeah, who's your friend of yours, who's a little person, you could definitely park there. Me and Carl can go there

because he's a little bit taller than me. Just to check, last night when you went out for eggs and chicken. On my own. Yeah, you didn't have your friend with dwarfism. What if they're in the car? But technically, you know. They could have been in the booth.

I don't think it says anything. It's just understood. It's just understood. It's understood by everyone what's going on there, isn't it? Maybe you could make the argument. In court, it wouldn't stand. No, it wouldn't stand. You're not doing time.

I had dwarves in the booth. You don't know. Let them go. Case adjourned. Prosecution don't even get to speak. You don't know? I have dwarves in the boot. Oh, okay.

I can see that sound. Well, in 2023, not only am I parking in parent and child bays, I'm, you know, I'm going to kill everyone that parks in there. So if you park in one, I'll murder you. That's how that would be. Disabled ones are different.

Do you know what I mean? People are. Like the spaces. I wouldn't park in one i'll murder you that's how disabled ones are different do you know what i mean people are like the spaces i wouldn't park in a disabled no no that's different because oh is it yeah unless i had like children are not a disability even though you bang on like they are if i had like if you've got small kids if you've got small kids in a busy car park it is nicer to be i mean you will get this one day soon when you have kids, but for now you don't give us no. Also, I actually fucking hate the entitlement to parents. Nobody, old people and parents are the most to entitle people on the planet.

And old parents can fuck off. Speaking as both, carry on. You know, I hate the entitlement of it. You lot going, oh, we should be allowed to park next to the store because I've got my kids. You chose to have kids. You should be able to fucking date. Can I get on the plane first?

Why? You're being a fat lazy cunt. No, I'm going, I've got my kids. I don to have kids, you should be able to fucking date. Can I get on the plane first? Why? You're being a fat, lazy cunt. No, I'm the one going, I've got my kids, I don't have to carry my kids and my wife. Because we've got small kids that can fucking wander around.

You're like, nah, nah, I'm dead and born. I should be able to park in the foyer. I'm Adam Rowe. It's eight o'clock at night. I'll fucking park it in the newsagent bed, the front.

Fuck off. Parents are... You don't even work at Asley, you're from Morrison's. Honestly, I fucking can't stand parents. I can't wait for you to be a parent. I've got my baby here, mate. You're like, fucking shut up.

I can't wait for you to be fucking parents. It's going to be great. I've got my baby here, mate. Hang on, hang on. All of a sudden, I do want to park here. It is important. I will... No.

I hate it. Entitled. Not you. You're nice. But most other parents are entitled. No, I bet he is. We don't see him with the kids nice, but most other parents are entitled. No, I bet you he is. We don't see him with the kids. You have once,

but we don't see him with the kids. I bet he's just the same. Oh, that's my parking space. I've got jackanets in here. What am I supposed to do? Walk an extra 11 yards? Pathetic. Why don't you walk an extra 11 yards?

And put it in your fucking journal. Because I'm busy. Oh, because you're busy at eight o'clock at night making an omelette. Yeah, that's how busy I am. I'm having om're busy at eight o'clock at night making an omelette. Yeah, that's how busy I am. I'm having omelettes at nine o'clock at night. I can't park over there. I can't park over there.

I'm here to buy omelette ingredients. Fuck you and your three kids, you fucking horny bitch. Park over there. I'm Adam Rowe. You're lucky I'm not in the fucking newsagent bit. It is funny that you chose to have a baby and then use it as an entitlement for everything. Not you.

I don't think... Getting on planes. Oh, before we board group one and all the disabled people, is anyone travelling with a small child today? Because you're more important than the pilots. Come on in, love. Do you want to fly here? And that is an announcement you hear.

Hello, everyone. Ryanair here. Everyone with children is more important than the pilot. That's something that's definitely been said in the history of time. But they do say, ladies and gentlemen, just before we start boarding group one, has anyone ever cum in their wife? Well, then, yeah. Imagine.

Imagine if you just lined up and went, I have. But she can't conceive. But I'm still going on first. If you've ever been cummed in or cummed in a woman, then you can get on the plane first, especially if you've still got your overgrown cum with you. That's what I can tell, by the way. Overgrown cum.

What privilege does the parents enjoy over non-parents? Oh, sorts of shit. They get to skip queues. What queues? Oh, you've got your kids with you, go on, you go first. No, you don't. You never do that. No, I don't, because you don't deserve it. skip queues. Everyone's like, have you got your kids? Go on, you go first. No, you don't. You never do that. No, I don't,

because you don't deserve it. What queues? Oh, the passport queue's an annoying one. What do you mean? The passport, they literally just get to the front, don't they? Yeah, when you get back from a holiday,

there's three lines now. There's the fast pass one that you'd have to pay for. There's the normal one for all the cattle that we belong in. And then there's, oh, the family one, which is faster than the one you can pay for oh you're coming a woman have you well you get

home first then don't worry about it um it's not even like it's it's it's it's on like a pro writer basis if you get the first woman you ever fuck pregnant and you've got a kid you get to skip the queue i've come in loads more women than him and i don't get to go ahead of him it's bollocks i think you're focusing on jizz i mean carl's focusing on asian people but no you're focusing on jizz i think this is an absolute straw man what passport control has a family bit and a fast track bit i've seen it where every single airport passport yeah passport control at. Passport control at Liverpool airport. They will leave you off the queue because kids are annoying.

You get to go in the fast track bit. Because kids can't do like the whole like thing where they stare at the camera and shit and they get moved to the side. Especially if your kids are kicking off. And I've seen parents, if the kids be like, cry Timmy,

you little fucking prick. And then he's like, and they're like, oh mate, me baby's crying. Like, well come over here, say it.

You don't even need a passport. You can run the airport if you want. Go on, go on. It's so annoying. Fuck the pilot. You're're flying you've been jizzed in loads come on you fly it we'll leave the pilot off just in case you have another kid while we're flying because you're important because this has all definitely happened in the history of the world uh parents and old people oh i i i was born. My dad fought for your freedom. You've done fuck all, have you?

You stupid old wench. You've done nothing. All you've done is crash the economy and be a bit racist and ruin the future of everyone else by voting for Brexit.

You're a fucking stupid, old, horrible bitch. And now I've got to pretend that you should be like, oh, are you old, are you? Do you want to go first with all the kids and the parents and that, do you? You go first.

Don't mind me, love. I'm just, you know, I'm just over here just trying to get through the day. I'm struggling here. But it doesn't matter. You're old, aren't you? It doesn't matter that you ate everyone that doesn't look like you. You go first, Frida, you fucking lovely old woman. That was my nan's name.

I was talking about her. She loved everyone everyone particularly black guys just to let you know oh do you want to go to a cash point you get 45 minutes she loves a Mozambique wool amazing can't wait

you absolutely are I'll have a child once maybe amazing can't wait true I'm not having kids so we can't wait you absolutely are can't wait I'll have a child once maybe just for the queues no when I have kids I will be

the best parent for everyone else I will be like no we're queuing we don't horse shit I'm not abusing my privilege mate oh shit no Horse shit.

I'm not abusing my privilege, mate. Oh, shit. No. Oh, shit. We'll park at the back of the car, and we'll walk, we'll get our steps in. You don't queue for anything. What do you mean?

If there's any way to get in a faster queue, you take it. Yeah, and I'll still do that. I'll still play the game. But leave your kids behind. No, I won't and i'll still do that i'll still play the game but i'm not like but leave your kids behind no i won't be using the family excuse i won't be parking in that parent and child bit do you know what we'll walk the supermarket and we'll walk back john you already do park in the parent child because i haven't got a kid are you you're gonna have kids

and then stop parking because the bullshit system mate i'll still park there when I haven't got the kids with me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If I've got the kids with me, I will park at the very back of the car park and I'll get my kids to get to step in. 100%. So they're not these little fat kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Little fast track row. I can see that happening. Absolutely call him. Fast track row. Could everyone, could everyone please get on the plane? Hold back. Vinnie! Little Vinnie!

Leilani! Stay there. We've got a fucking point to prove. Nah, nah. All you able-bodied gets on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All the fuck, all you cons. We're going to fucking prove a point.

We'll go on last. We're looking on this plane. We're getting on the next one. If I've paid for it. We're not even going on holiday. That's a privilege. If I've paid for Fast Track, then I will use it. But I won't be going in our family queue. I will not be doing it.

And if he's crying and, oh, I don't know. I'll be like, shut up. You don't cry in the airport. You're 23. Yeah. I can see that all happening. Yeah. I'm telling you right now, parents need to fuck off.

Old people need to fuck off. 25 to 40-year-olds sound. Sorry. Sorry, sound. Sorry. Sorry, Finn. Anyway. No, I'm in that. Oh, you're 25, aren't you? I'm not.

I'm old. And apparent. At least I haven't got a journal. Shall we have a break? If you want. Yeah. What's happening, lads? If you are enjoying this episode,

or even if you're not, do you know what? Just do us a favour. Like it. Subscribe. Turn the bell on on make sure you get notifications when we drop an episode do it right now leave us a comment tell us that it's sick or call us all cunts if you want we're not really asked all we need is comments in fact negative ones sometimes stoke the fire also we're on socials all over them at have a word pod Don't just like a video. Give it a share. Give it a retweet.

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Appreciate you. Smell your mouth. Go ahead. And we are back. Finlay. Bow. That's how you know we're flying today. I thought you know we sold some jumpers as well. Bow in the bank.

Finn. Yes. Have you got any preparation? We have, we're gonna give some- Is that a French word? Preparation? It's ba. What?

Is it Latin? Shut up Harry. It's Latin for prepare. You little wigging head. We're gonna give some advice. Is it? Yeah. Is it? Yeah. Is it?

But I'm bored of that jingle, so why don't we do this? Sexual awakening. I mean, it's sexual advice. Well, it's a very sexy bit of advice. Is it? I nailed it. I'm bored of our jingles.

Let's throw it up. This is an anonymous bit of advice. I love a bit of cunnilingus. Oh, shit's from you, Finn. Mm-hmm. Go on. Wag wag lids. I hope this gets seen in time

and I'd appreciate anonymity. Please let me know how you guys feel about this and if I'm overthinking things. In August, I matched with a girl on Tinder and we started dating. It's been brilliant.

We have a good laugh together, have loads in common and the sex is out of this world. Last weekend, we were chilling at mine and we decided to make it official between us she insisted on making it facebook official and i agreed despite not being a big user of the platform as i said i'm not a big social media user so i didn't actually have her as a friend on there i went onto the app found her profile and sent a friend request we quickly realized we had seven mutual friends all of the mutual friends were cousins of mine.

And to my horror, she said, you know, a lot of my cousins. Turns out we're related. We're second cousins. Since finding out, I've got it in my head

that it's too weird. I've been put off the idea of continuing the relationship. She says, it's no big deal. What do you guys think? Am I overthinking things? This is time sensitive

as I'm due to meet her parents and my distant family very soon. I've got a question. What's a second cousin? So, your dad marries your ma. That happened. Yeah? Yeah.

And your ma's sister marries another fella. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then you are their kid's cousins. Isn't he his cousin's cousin? Right? But then on the dad's side, the one you're not blood related to, there's other cousins over here.

Yeah. You're second cousins. There's no blood involved. I think there's no blood on the wicket. Keep playing cricket. Oh, dear. Same with anal, by the way. I mean...

It lives by these mantras. I don't see... I know the word cousin is in the thing but i think this is on the doesn't it all just come back i've just googled it it says uh your your definition was also right but second cousins can be blood related but they're not from the way he's written that email. Okay. It's cousins, cousins, innit? So, because also, what, like, your cousin's kids are your second cousins. Right, okay. So that's what that means. The blood-related one, like,

your cousin, if they have a kid, that kid is now your second cousin. What's cousins once removed? Second cousin. Oh, is it? Yeah. Ah, right. Yeah. How fit is she

does it matter does it come down to that as well technically isn't it one of these things where you're like oh this maybe doesn't sound great that your second cousin's but if she's an absolute worldy apparently the sex is amazing and they're getting on blindingly there's literally no relation between them apart from the families are. So when we have like birthdays, it's all the same family, which just seems a bit- When they have birthdays. It's just cheaper.

Like parties. Yeah. Like you don't have to invite both families. Cheaper wedding. It's our family. It's a cheaper wedding. You'd love that. You have got families on the other side

that are not related at all. Yeah, but it's all the same, innit? I don't know. Is that a big part of your life with Tedica when you have parties and you're like, I need two families where the people are? He loves it. Yeah, you invite a new family in with Terika when you have parties and you're like I need two families where the people are well yeah

you invite a new family in it's like oh yeah you're our fellas my brother's nan or whatever it is yeah yeah that's what it is exactly

I understand people being icky about it but like I just I think it's it doesn't matter at all if she's ugly though don't worry about it

it sounds like she's fit and great in bed would it not make family occasions a bit awkward it's fucking echoing here what family occasions name them i was reading the next bit of prep name them weddings yeah right what's that just there's their wedding what's that just their wedding it's smaller cheaper there's no there isn't an aisle. There's just one big group.

Where do you sit? Sit in the middle? And that's why you can't have sex with her anymore because of a prospective wedding that might never happen. Who's going to sit where? We can't fuck. How many of your cousins are going to be invited to your wedding? Oh, not my wedding, but I'm having an odd wedding.

But I've been to all my cousins' weddings. Right. How many of your cousins were invited to your wedding? Hang on. And you're not, and you're not like inviting them back? No. Oof, the diplomacy.

I don't care. How many of your cousins were at your wedding? Um, none. Complete non-issue. It's a complete non-issue, but they are fit though. Mine. Especially Nigel.

It's proper. It's icky if you want to make it icky, which he has in his head. But it actually doesn't matter. There's no blood relation. No one gives a fuck. Does she look like your ma? How? But that's a good thing because you

miss her. What? If she does look like your mum, pie it off. If she doesn't, carry on. I think it's it could be odd. I don't know what You miss her. What? If she does look like your mum, pie it off. If she doesn't, carry on. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, it could be odd. I don't know what role

I'm playing in this one. You're very worried about the future wedding and seating arrangements. It just doesn't matter. So second cousin's fine. If she's squirting, keep the fountains coming, mate.

Can you bang your auntie? No, you can't bang your auntie. What about if she's fit? Not blood auntie. Yeah, married in. you bang your auntie? No, you can't bang your auntie. Married in? Not blood auntie. Not blood auntie. Yeah, married in. Married in auntie. Blood auntie. Yeah, you can, yeah.

My Jamaican auntie. If my uncle married a woman and then they got fucked off and then she was fit and at like, I don't know, a bar mitzvah that we both happened to be at, she came on to me. She's Jewish.

Yeah. That's nice. A bar mitzvah we both get invited to and she was like, I know you speak with your uncle. That's nice. About a minute ago, we both got invited too. And she was like, I know what you speak with your uncle. She's not your aunt anymore. They're still married. So would I cheat with my uncle's wife?

No, you're single. Yeah. You're single. It doesn't matter, does it? No, I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't fuck my uncle's wife behind his back. Would I fuck my uncle's ex-wife? Yeah.

Would you wait for the divorce? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're a divorce? Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're a good guy. And she's Jewish. Nice. Met her at bar mitzvah. She doesn't have to be Jewish

to be at a bar mitzvah, I'm there, and I'm not a Jew. I know, but someone's got to be Jewish, isn't it, at a bar mitzvah? Where's the link?

The kid. The kid? The kid who's bar mitzvahing. It's their cousin. All right. You just turn up at a bar mitzvah. It's not like a panel show on the BBC

they don't have to do representation no but you can get invited can't you if I marry a Jewish woman and we have a kid and she's like right he's being a Jew

because I'm a Jew and then he gets bar mitzvahed you'll be invited to the little Jew's bar mitzvah yeah is that what you're going to call the song little Jew bar mitzvah

can you crash a bar mitzvah we couldn't think of a name what can you crash a bar mitzvah we couldn't think of a name can you crash a bar mitzvah yeah if you've not seen the film with Owen Wilson bar mitzvah crashes you can crash a funeral legally it's not legal to crash a funeral

you can go to anyone's funeral of course you can I mean if it's ticketed I mean of course yeah it's just an event isn't it if someone asks you to leave you're a bit of a gobshite going no where's the fucking security there's loads of people at my march you know that when I invite them they just turn up at the back I'm like we knew Anne I mean of course yeah it's just an event isn't it if someone asks you to leave you're a bit of a gobshite going no

where's the fucking security there's loads of people at my mar even though that weren't invited they just turned up at the back I'm like we knew Anne I was like did you know there's a lot of people

who never spoke about you John there's a lot of people who go to what there's a lot of people who go to just people's who don't know them

yeah and there's always old women there going oh she was part of the community I've heard and you're like you've never even spoke to her she's an old bitch

and you've got a front row seat oh I'm old you should be in the coffin not me ma we're on old people again and there was loads of people there with kids at my ma's funeral

fuck off you're not sitting in the front you're not even newer and you're not Jewish so just crack on totally up to you no but definitely fuck your uncle's wife

is that what we're saying totally up to you I No, but definitely fuck your uncle's wife. Is that what we're saying? Yeah. Totally up to you. I understand it being icky. I'd be like, I'd be more worried about the judgment from other people with stuff like that. Just don't mention it. Forget it. But it wouldn't bother me. 100%. After you found out?

It wouldn't really bother me. Like, personally, it would only bother me because I think it might bother other people. She sounds phenomenal. Okay, right, it would only bother me because I think it might bother other people. She sounds phenomenal. Okay, right. We've got a couple of confessions. Based on what? Familiar.

You look like each other. We've got a couple of confessions. Oh, you've got a confession. I love this jingle. Okay, the top five confessions for today. I'm bored of the jingles. We're doing all the other ones. Should we get some new jingles this year?

Yeah. Should we get some new features? Yeah, probably should get some new features. Go on. Right, this is anonymous as always. Send them in to haveawaypod at gmail.com. Makes the clips that easy to make. Shut up, lad.

Confession. I was at a gig in the seating section a man three rows in front of us was having the time of his life dancing and singing most people were standing sometimes and sitting sometimes the couple beside me were not happy about anyone standing up the husband would tell anyone to sit down even at the moment

having the time of his life and at that point I'd had enough of their attitude so I pissed in a cup and swapped it with his beer he drank my piss. He didn't realise it was me. And he was so annoyed that they went home. It was going so well. He didn't drink it.

It wasn't going. And then all of a sudden, we're pissing and jizzing in something. He didn't drink it. The amount of times Have A Word listeners have weed into a receptacle and hidden it in a bathroom, in a fridge. Now a live fucking concert i pissed into

it and he drank it and he said to his wife that tastes a little bit different that but i kind of like it did you get me a lager top this feels like a little bit different than a straight lager it's really is that an ipa is it is it an ipa no you're talking shit what's the next one finn next one yeah that was going well um before we do that though but i mean fair enough it's another pissing in things yeah but um it is a it is one in it when you're in the seating section there is a weird sort of politics to it there shouldn't be but isn't at the well yeah it's like herd mentality if lots of people are standing you stand stand. At the match. At Luke Combs, it was the perfect example because we were in good, but it was to the side.

We were right in the middle of one of the side stands and had a great vantage. But as soon as the couple, or there was a party of about four stood up, we had to stand up. And it just has like a Mexican wave effect. It's the same as the match. Yeah.

When people sat down in front of you, sat down. If nothing's happened, you sit down. If someone's in front of you dancing at a gig. to stand up and it just has like a mexican wave effect it's the same as the match yeah when people sat down in front of you sat down if nothing's happening you sit down you just in front of you dancing in a gig you just sort of go with the flow you'd never whinge about someone if someone wants to get up and dance while there's music playing and the reason you're at wherever you're at is because there's music playing that's that's okay if you want to sit down you just don't get to see you have you have to sort of go with the flow. It's music. Oh, you're dancing to this music.

I want to sit down and look at it. What are you talking about? What if they're old? What if they've got kids with them? They're even worse. What if you want to dance to the match? Try dancing in the lower gladdice. Live la vida loca.

Are you in the upper Annie? I love the upper Annie. Go to the lower gladdice, Live la vida loca. Are you in the upper Annie? I love the upper Annie. Go to the lower gladdars, sit in the middle and film yourself dancing. The lower gladdars and the upper Annie. These are stadiums. These are stands. What's the Wofford stand?

The big Phyllis. The Elton John's bellends. No, it's the Miranda's B flaps. That's the big stand. Elton John's bowel lower. There is an Elton John's. There really is. You're allowed to stand and dance at music gigs

end of conversation anyone who's like oh this is the seated section it isn't it is if you want to sit down but no one has to sit down at any point of any concert i mean bollocks everywhere's a seated section if you sit down in theory yeah if someone's having like don't ruin their fun they're not ruining yours are they just there to have a laugh if it's at the match and they're studying you wait i get it or like like when we were in Vegas and someone stood in front of the telly sit down we can't see

but if they're dancing in a gig go for it and if you're like oh I can't stand up for the whole show I've got I'm like impaired I've got like disabilities you buy a disability ticket

they have tickets for people who can't stand up for the whole show that like access tickets and you get to be at the front and they're no more expensive and there's normally plenty of them they have tickets for people who can't stand up for the whole show that like access tickets and you get to be at the front and they're no more expensive and there's there's normally plenty of them in fact they're normally the ones that go they're normally the only tickets that ever go unsold because not enough people with impairments go to concerts because they feel like they can't there's plenty of tickets buy one of them and be at the front and then sit and no one will get in

your way but the concert is mapped out and blueprint then sit and no one will get in your way the concert is mapped out and blueprinted so that no one can get in your way but if you go oh I'm just going to sit in the seated bit and I hope no one stands up because as it says on the ticket

we have to sit down shut the fuck up it's no do you prefer sitting or standing for a gig it depends on the act totally I went to see Hojain last week and it was great sat down Do you prefer sitting or standing for a gig? Depends on the act. Totally.

I went to see Hojain last week, and it was a great sat down. But if I went to see the Black Keys, I want to be in the mix. We're going to see Jungle. Are we stood up for that? Yeah. It's all standing.

I've been listening to Jungle. It's a very... It's a standing gig. It's a dancey gig, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Luke Combs is either. We're going to have half a bill. No, it's quite city, isn't it? Can we get some bills? No, not really. Yeah, yeah. We were stood up for most think Luke Combs is either. No, it's quite city, isn't it? No, not really.

We were still up for most of Luke Combs. I'd be dancing like I'm in the upper Annie. Mambo number five. Next question. I'd always rather be stud, no matter what it is. You're going to love it. Music, I'd always rather be stud. I quite like those

side tickets we have for luke holmes like being in that area i think it's great but it's because i can stand whenever i want and sit whenever i want yeah we did a bit of both that's what i want yeah and it was a 17 hour show as well so that was important because we'd have passed out that's maybe the one exception other than that i'd always rather stand i have to admit though when we were at that luke holbs gig at the side, there was part of me thinking it would be more fun down there. Andre Riu?

100%. Andre Riu? Nah, standing. I want to be in the mosh pit. Andre Ayo? Whenever I see him play for Palace, I want to stand.

You've got to. He's so silky. He is? Yeah. Doesn't score enough though. No, no. Not for a striker. I meant the violinist.

Like Gabriel Jesus. You know, meant the violinist like Gabriel Jesus you know I'd stand for the Gabriel Jesus gig I'd stand for Jesus if he came back if you know you never

you don't sit down for Jesus one of them gospel gigs no actually if if the Messiah came back I'd probably stand up what's he doing in an arena what

what's he doing what's the show selling out mate he's Jesus what's the show? Selling out, mate. He's Jesus. What's the show? It's just him. It's him being Jewish. Just coming out and waving.

Yeah, he's got a Netflix deal. Imagine if that wasn't sell out. Imagine if Jesus came back and then he just fell off. It was just shit. It was like David Copperfield. Everyone's just like, mate, we've seen all this before. Oh, I've fed everyone with that bread. No one wants bread anymore, mate.

We're all on keto, you soft cunt. Yeah, he's just got to deliver it. What? He's just got to deliver it. We're all on keto. Yeah. I am exclusively on carbohydrate. We're not eating bread.

I'm gluten intolerant. Jesus, I can't have it. Jesus tried to kill me with gluten. Yeah, I've got one loaf and one bit of fish. We're not having bread. I'm an old veggie. So I'll do something with some peppers and some couscous. I'm pescetarian, Jesus. I're not having bread. I'm an old veggie. So I'll do something with some peppers and some couscous. I'm pescetarian, Jesus.

I'll have fish bread. I went to see Jesus live. Three stars out of five. Expected more. Yeah. I just, like, what if he fell off? What if he comes back? God sends him back and he's like, I'm back here. Watch this. I walk on the water. He gives me that glass of water. A bit of wine for you there, sir.

I think people will be bored of him after a while. Good barter. Oh, he bored after a while goodbye oh he's got it yeah mate he's gonna have to let's take jesus on face value let's assume that everything we've heard is true yeah right if he came back now would it be impressive would anyone be that arsed but surely the ability to turn water into wine is you know you cannot turn stuff into other stuff you can turn it into espresso martinis but he didn't what

he didn't he can just do water to wine you can't just give him new powers just because we've invented new drinks oh has he only got water to wine

what grape is it water to wine oh I prefer a Malbec have you seen Malbec I don't want a Malbec Jesus I can only do Malbec you're useless son yeah

he wouldn't be handy at a gig I'm not asking that's when he'd be handy is that a gig only do Malbec. You're useless, son. He wouldn't be handy at a gig. I'm not asking. That's when he'd be handy. Is that a gig? It's cheap, isn't it? Cheaper. Bottles of water often aren't cheaper than beer. Yeah, they're normally three quid. Yeah. I think the security would be all over it. Some of Jesus' miracles would be

impressive now. What else did he do? He helped some fella with no legs walk or something. Yeah, he helped the leopards. Lepers. He helped leopards. He helped leopards. He's like, come here, kid. Lazarus is probably the most... He was the original Steve Irwin. He was a leopard.

What's Lazarus? Bringing someone back from the dead. That one would be impressive. But who wants that, though? No, he's dead. You've already got over your nan dying. I'll give her another week there. Or more pain.

Here she is again. Just taking up fucking space at the front of a queue. He did 37 miracles. 37? He cured leprosy, didn't he? That's what you meant before. Yeah.

But who's got leprosy now? Is that what it was? He was kissing people. It's basically Boris Johnson going, it's not real. Kissing them and then it all went away. Jesus heals Peter's mother-in-law who is sick with a fever.

Oh. She's got a fever, all right. Dick fever. If he comes back and he's like, I can cure leprosy. Can you, lad? Yeah, none of us have got it. Do something else.

I think he fucked Peter's mother-in-law. Do a card or something. Oh, G-Dog was a shagger. What else can he do? He's fucked now. We've got drones in there. He heals a man's withered hand. Oh, a strong hand? Surgeons exist. Did he have a strong hand? But you've got drones in there he heals a man's withered hand oh

strong hands surgeons exist did he have a strong hand but you've got to bring Jeremy Beadle back and then sort his hand out if he does that I'll believe

mate so he can heal people's broken bones and shit he can give people like their limbs back so Oscar Pistorius would have shot his wife quicker wouldn't have even had to

put his legs onto them fuck yeah his 13th miracle he cast some demons into a herd of pigs. I mean, I'll be honest, I would want to see it.

Miracle. I would want to see it. It's a miracle. Keep going, Finn. He healed an invalid at Bethesda. I can't even say that anymore. He's cancelled now.

It's all over Twitter. He's deeply offensive. I healed an invalid. I think you mean disabled person Jesus. What was the disability? Now He's deeply offensive. I healed an invalid. I think you mean disabled person Jesus. What was the disability? Now they can't park in the good spots either. You hit them.

I have healed you. You've got to park all the way at the back with the people with no children. Where was that? Bethesda. Bethesda. Bethesda? I thought it was in Wales.

He came to Wales. It's 26th miracle. Jesus heals a man born blind by spitting in his eyes Oh he's dirty He shag his Peter's mother-in-law and spit in people's eyes Just stop him spitting in his eyes Oh I can see now, no no no don't worry

Not on him, no yeah How many fingers you holding up? How many? Three, yeah it's three lad, no I can see Oh look at that sun over there and those clouds. Oh, lovely. No, off you go, Jesus. That fella's got leprosy there. Go and have a little go of him.

I can see fucking everything, mate. I love that. Someone went, I brought a fella here. He's fucking good, by the way. You're blind. Watch this. Jesus just panics. Spit in his eye.

Spit in his eyes, maybe. Jesus got fucking magic spittle. Yeah. Yeah, he has. This is the last one. He did a miraculous fish catch. Oh, he's got great hands. Jesus has got great hands. Oh, he's back!

Jesus, brother. He's fucking back. There he is. And you look like him. And now spit in his eye. It might work. See? See? It's because he's Jesus and I'mitting his eye. It might work. Oh, see? See?

It's because he eats Jesus and I'm not. Oh. Demon pig. A miraculous fish catch. If he came back today, I'm telling you right now, even if he could prove he was the son of God, it'd be two weeks.

He'd do this morning. He'd do fucking good morning Britain. He'd have a few TikToks. Piers Morgan would do. And then he'd be dust. No one would be arsed. Do you think he'd lean into the Andrew Tate stuff after that? You think he'd go? He'd go a bit right wing.

He's on the downfall. And then he's gone. Top G's dad. Joey Barton's podcast within a month, mate. What can you do, Joey? What? I think you should be able to say invalid. I think it's sound. in a month, mate. What can you do, Joey? What? Whoa. I think you should be able to... So I was not fish, Joey.

I was not fish. I think you should be able to say invalid. I think it's sound. Catching a fish is a miracle. Miracle. What happened with the demon pigs? I'm fascinated.

I don't want you to Google that one. I don't... What? Did he cast the demon into a load of pigs and made some demon pigs? The demons begged Jesus not to send them away,

but instead to send them into the pigs on a nearby hillside, which he did do. Miracle. 2,000. Do you know the other night I looked into Jesus' resurrection? I had a little look into the facts of the case.

Because on my TikTok, this fella keeps coming up. He was like really religious. And what he does is he stands on a university campus and there's like a circle of students. And he's super religious. So he debates religion and christianity with the students so they'll go what about this and he's got like an answer for most things it's really interesting because as a sort of atheist you're listening

to someone who truly believes and will vehemently defend the idea of christianity and religion and has researched it properly yeah he knows what he's knowledgeable yeah and he's doing what a lot of people in that space do like the likes of ben shapiro and stuff um and the other sort of right-wing commentators they're going to university campuses to debate with people who are so against what they believe but are only really against what they believe because it is the group mentality of they haven't really read everything so they're not as well read as ben shapiro and the other guys that you you see doing these talks and he's the sort of religious version of that so he goes to university campuses because students are very cocky about what they believe and they're like we're right

we're left wing we're right you know we're lgbtq plus positive we believe in trans rights and everything and they believe in it because they the empathy they've got and with the group identity they've got is this is what we believe and i i'm on their side 100 but they're not as well prepared for these debates as the people they're debating with so the videos often look like they're losing even though morally they're probably on the right side of the arguments i had a very similar thing when i did that documentary uh the beyond a joke documentary which hasn't come out yet because it hasn't been sold to a streaming platform yet.

And it's nothing to do with me, by the way. People keep asking, when's that documentary coming out? The producers who made it, they own it. It will go out whenever they sell it to whoever they want to sell it to. I have to debate like free speech and cultural appropriation with Toby Young. It was a conservative and towards far-right commentator,

editor of The Spectator and stuff. And i had to go and have a conversation with him about these issues about cultural appropriation and stuff he was so much more well prepared than i was and i had a glimpse of oh this is what it's like and this is why people lose debates with these people because he he has you get caught in their web almost like but he has this debate seven days a week and it's my. And it's my first go. It's like being, like, you can be the most talented, like, up-and-coming MMA fighter in the world, but in your first fight,

Conor McGregor will punch your head in. Tony Ferguson will punch your head in because you haven't got the experience and you're not doing it every day if it's your first day in the thing. And this religious fella's, like, arguing with, like, this campus campus and this girl's like if you show me the medical records of jesus being alive i'll believe that he existed and his argument is there's uh there's no medical records from back

then and she goes how convenient and he goes no convenience is something you can't argue that's my argument you're asking for something that you know didn't exist back then so that you can say how convenient you haven't got it how convenient is it that your only argument is something that you know didn't exist like it's like asking terrible argument it's really bad but he wants the terrible arguments which is why he goes to places where he's faced with terrible arguments so that his video where's his passport show me his passport he goes so um we have to go on eyewitness testimony that's how we know aristotle and plato and all these people existed because people have passed down their stories and no one questions them but because jesus is tied to religion people question whether they

ever existed and that's not the same thing he should be put in sort of the same bracket as plato and all these people and it's a good argument and it's why he wins in the video and that's why he's posted the video. But what he says is like, you know, Jesus, people seeing Jesus die and they see him put in the cave that he was put in. And then they see him

that he was resurrected. And that's not true. What they see is they opened the cave and he was gone. And that is what religious people go, oh, he was resurrected. I think what happened was

there was this fella who was doing loads of magic tricks and everyone killed him and then put him in a box. And I think some people might have gone this fella who was doing loads of magic tricks and everyone killed him and then put him in a box. And I think some people might have gone, I'm going to go and get him out and bury him somewhere.

And I think that's what happened. I don't think he was resurrected. People were just so mind blown. Like, how could he possibly not be there anymore? Maybe someone stole the body. Yeah.

Yeah. And this is also all documented about 380 years, 350 years after it all happened by so many different people. And then a Roman emperor went, Oi, pick four stories,

because we're binning the rest off. So all of this has been lost to time as well. Like, it's amazing the influence that book still has. I wonder what people talk about in 2000 years from now i wonder that didn't happen but it did there'll be better evidence though won't there but there might not be like people say it doesn't take that long people don't think 9-11 happened yeah that took about a week i'm on there's people who think 9-11 was an inside job and then there's people who think 9-11 didn't happen there is a no plane theory yeah

that is that bad that people who run theory websites ban people who talk about it there's a theory that they were in planes they didn't exist it was holograms

wow yeah it's just literally like every conspiracy you can conceive of isn't it if it exists in your mind people will believe in it

then there's yeah there's some validity to it in another 2 000 years jesus will still have a huge a huge influence on it like i mean he comes back and starts doing yeah especially i know he's a bit contentious right now he said if you burn all the religious books and you burn all the scientific books in a thousand years all the scientific books will be back because that's all stuff that exists all the religious stuff won't be be back in a different form yeah if everything yeah because it's all because it's all because it can be proved science all science yeah will be proved again if all experiments in

science was just deleted it would all be proved again eventually yeah but religion will never come back the same because it's not it's not real provable i am i tend to be on ricky devas's side with the religion and science debate obviously um but i actually do think that is first of all incorrect because i think so many people know every inch of the bible by the back of their hand i don't think he means that i think he means everyone everything got deleted all the people got deleted he means all knowledge of something yeah like he think he means if everyone, everything got deleted, all the people got deleted. He means all knowledge of something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like he means,

he doesn't just mean all the books burn or whatever. He means like if all religion was just deleted from memory so you couldn't,

you couldn't go, ah, I'll retell it to you. All science would be proved again. Yeah. All religion wouldn't. And all religion, it would probably just.

They'd come back in a different form. Yeah. Because religion's just control, isn't it? Have you watched Pete Holmes' special? I've watched so much of Pete Holmes' stuff. I absolutely love it. But I've not watched his special yet.

It came out about a month ago, didn't it, on Netflix? Yeah. I watched it one night over Christmas. He's a fascinating guy, isn't he? He is fascinating. I'll be honest with you. I think a lot of his clips are better than a lot of this special. There's some bits where you're like-

The bit about atoms is brilliant. The zoom out bit. That's one of my favorite bits. The zoom out. You think you're in America? Zoom out. This is made of atoms. I'm Pete.

But his religion bit in it, because he's religious, and he has a go at Ricky Gervais in like a tongue-in-cheek way, is such a good stand-up argument for religion. It's really interesting. So you know the let's split it into two camps essentially and sorry for bastardizing a routine if you want to just go and watch the special just skip the next minute of the pod or whatever um because let's split it into two

people there's religious people and there's uh atheists and religious people believe that something created the world and that um you know we're here to sort of it we're lucky that we're here we were created there's something to guide your sort of love too and then um but something made us and then non-religious people think nothing made us and they think that the more reasonable argument is that we came from nothing and that their argument is do you know what doesn't it god doesn't exist and he's like maybe but you know what definitely doesn't exist nothing yeah like that doesn't the definition of nothing is doesn't exist and then those people who are non-religious, if you ask them what happens when you die, they say nothing.

We go into nothing. And to them, I would say, so you came from nothing and you go back to nothing. That sounds an awful lot like you go back to your creator. It's such a good... I saw the clip about him saying about God is just the cloak that we put over the shape of belief you know that is like barry johnson the the sound tech of acdc said this he's like why didn't i learn that in church why am i learning that from barry johnson i just yeah i i it's a fascinating

it's a fascinating comic some of his clips are amazing. But I think Jesus has been a bit of a hack nowadays. Well, I'm on CNN, and it's five things you probably didn't know about Jesus. Number four will blow your mind. Jesus needed me time. What? Jesus needed some me time. He wanked. Yeah, he needed a bit of

lonesome. What? It's a little old fact, Jesus. Didn't he get 40 days and 40 nights of it? Wanking. Didn't he get loads of me time? That might have been spit in a blind man's eyes. Isn't that lent?

Boo-kaki. Didn't he just fuck off on his own for 40 days and 40 nights? Yeah, he had loads of wanks though. He wanked in a blind man's eyes. Good. That was like you over Christmas.

Yeah, that's exactly what I did as well. Rumours were the 40 days and 40 nights, by the way, was just two stag do's back to back. What else did he do? What else did he need?

What? He didn't want to die. It's mental. These facts are mental. Facts, by the way. Yeah. I prefer the demon and pig thing.

Yeah. What else? One of the other three. Let's round this section up. Jesus was tough. Tough. He was tough. From age 12 to 30, Jesus worked in Nazareth as a carpenter. Jesus was tough. Tough. He was tough. From age 12 to 30,

Jesus worked in Nazareth as a carpenter. That was it. I've never seen anything he built. Not one thing. I think a lot of my issue as an atheist is more with the Bible than it is with people of faith. Like the more you,

like I've watched guys like Pete Holmes and everything and people who have faith and believe and everything. You're like, I absolutely i've did a bit about it in my show i'm jealous of people who have true faith yeah because it looks unbelievable so much more comforting and there's so many intelligent educated insightful people who call themselves christian or even agnostic or whatever you call yourself i find it terribly i find it interested but the people who just tie tie themselves to a 2000 year old book oh my god i hate the fear

element me there's like four lads talking about jesus today in town with the mics they're shopping all that gear you should fear god i hate that fear him that was me i didn't really understand that but i But I thought, yeah, because it's Old Testament. I thought he was lovely. I thought he was dead nice. The Old Testament, he's a gobshite, isn't he?

He's scared of him. He's like, fucking suck my dick. I didn't know that the Torah, I didn't know that the Torah, which is the Jewish book of faith, is just the first four books of the Old Testament. Yeah.

It's Genesis, Numbers, Deuteronomy, Leviticus. The sequels. And there's another one as well to the bible isn't it the first four or five books that's the whole torah yeah and then they were like no updates from here that's what i've done with star wars yeah i like the originals i'm not having the sequels you are are the Jewish version of geek.

Yeah. I'm with you, mate. What's a religion that's just Genesis? Because they did a reading of the arena last year. 80s. Creationists. Genesis was definitely a TV in last year. Four of them.

One of them's a drummer. He's nearly dying. He should have been on it. What's his name? Phil Collins. Oh a drummer he's nearly dying he should have been on it what's his name Phil Collins oh shit is he nearly dying yeah oh don't put Phil Collins on I love Phil Collins

yeah what could he possibly be typing Finn religion that just believes in Genesis Finn I was just doing a joke about that oh were you yeah

oh I thought you were actually doing it you joined in I thought he was being serious what's the high priest called? Phil. Big Phil. Phil Hill, yeah. Oh, no.

I love Phil. So, to conclude, standing at a gig is unacceptable. Standing at a gig? Wow, that's mad. I just don't have it worth Theology 101. That's wild. Yeah, standing at a gig, you're going to burn in hell, mate.

No. Telling people to sit down in a gig, you're going to get bummed to within an inch of your life by the devil. We've got different definitions of it. That's how, you know, factions start within religion. Yeah, it's important. Dead important.

Break. Why also a break? Break, break, break. Is Phil ill? Shut up. That's the start of the episode. Josh Pusey. Hey!

Carmen, he's on. About bloody time. It is about bloody time. I pulled out twice. I know, we know. Yeah. Been too busy. Been too busy on the road.

One, I had an acting gig. What were you acting in? i don't know if i can say too much because um it's not going to happen anyway but um i went to paddy mcginnis's house right and uh i had to play myself well you're just a fan i did the same i don't know if i can even say this but paddy mcginnis is doing a spoof documentary of his life right and in that documentary he's mentoring me as a stand-up which what what a sentence is this real it was real yeah it's real i generally don't know if i can say that this is about a year ago when yeah this no within yeah probably almost to the day a year year ago, yeah. It's about his divorce.

Yeah. And I don't know the gymnastics I did to get me there. I don't know why. As I'm saying it now, it doesn't make sense. I don't think it's going to happen. Who contacted you? McGuinness Direct. We've Googled it.

And Finn's family documentary. Finn, what's the title of the documentary? Paddy and Christine McGuinness, Our Family and Autism. It's not that one. It's got... Finn's family documentary. Finn, what's the title of the documentary? Paddy and Christine McGuinness, Our Family and Autism. It's not that one. How much filming have you done, bro? So we did two days as like a taster. Yeah.

And then it's gone. That is out? It was an Airbnb. Right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. But very, very strange couple of days. You got paid and everything? Yeah, it was good.

I don't think it all. No. I wouldn't. And why did you pull up the second time? No, the second time, that was the Paddy one. The first one, just, just i think general malaise i like the first excuse it's one or the other with me it'll either be i can't be asked or i'm filming something with mcginnis it's always one of those yeah it's one of them too usually

what's josh up to you know what he's normally doing he's lying down or just being mentored by paddy mcginnis that's what he's up to he'd be getting two of those videos out a week it wasn't for all that mcginnis time and you've had a mad couple of years you've had a you i seen was it two years ago you committed to doing one video a week to just see what what it did for you yeah so that was that's almost two years to the day i did that so every mond Monday I do a video, maybe 60 second video. And I put it on Instagram. I'm not even very good at Instagram. I can't really caption it.

I fucking, my scales are all wrong, but it seems to have worked. I do it for, I've done it for two years. Yeah. And yeah, next thing you know,

you're fucking in Paddy McGinnis' gaff. It shows you don't dream big because you can get there. It's just a traditional success ladder, doesn't it? Dream big, because you can get there. It's just a traditional success ladder, isn't it? You know what, you do a video every week for two years, and then bish, bash, bosh, one thing leads to another, you're getting bummed by Paddy McGinnis for ITV2, and then we are.

Oh, wow. That's the pathway, isn't it? It's so depressing that that doesn't make it on ITV. It's ITV2. It stinks of ITV2. It does, yeah. Did you do your first video in lockdown because i feel like you're one of the lockdown sort of kickoffs it yeah like it really happened like i think i honestly think we were scales way off there done two years ago was 2022 covid was a long

gone memory by then no no you were doing i did you were doing the videos my first one was actually years ago. It came up on my Facebook memories. And it's me lying on my bed. I've got an iPhone charger up my nose. Another iPhone charger in my ear. And I'm singing that, you got wires going in.

You got wires. And that didn't bang actually but the first video I saw of you was the one that's still my favourite and it was the Britain's Got Talent one it's just perfect oh the magician one

it's just yeah I've watched that so many times that's when the yeah every magician was coming on Britain's Got Talent and the reveal was also always

thank you NHS yeah they cut a woman in half and her severed body would be, thank you, NHS. Can you reset the phones at factory settings? It's so good. So good. I remember watching that with you.

We've watched it in the studio. So fucking funny. Like every now and again, so I've got like a rotation of people I watch. You, Rob Morgan, Alistair Green, and what was the other one I said before? Darren Conway. Darren Conway. I have like a blitz of all their videos.

And I did yours this morning. Obviously, you're coming on, so I wanted to keep it fresh. But yeah, I just love just binging that shit. It's so funny. There's a couple of people I follow on Instagram. They're so funny. They're not stand-ups or anything.

I don't think they've even got any aspirations to be. They're just fucking so funny. It's like a new it's like a new genre it's a new genre of comedy you're seeing them is it but i just hope most of them stick to it because when they start doing stand-up and it's bad it makes me sad yeah i hate what i hate about stand-up is it's is what makes it great as well is it's seen as the most accessible way to do comedy yeah and the most accessible way to monetize it so as soon as anyone gets any sort of following like big promoters and agents go right we'll have you and we're going to make money now so you're going on tour and then there's people who've done

like 10 gigs going oh am i going on tour am i and i hate it the dream is that you do it like you know your way which is oh it kicks off really well online but then you're also a shit hot stand up so you can talk yeah it's just it's just years though isn't it because i've just been doing it for stand-up for years beforehand you know if that would if that those videos would have happened five years previously and i got offered the chance to tour or do these things i still probably would have you'd have a i don't know what you're doing you probably take that's the problem is like because yeah we all want everything as quick as you can get it. Yeah. But in reality, the only way to get good at standup is to do it for ages.

Yeah. And you know, you've been going for a fair amount of time before anything came up. The same with Dan and even me. Same with Troy Hawk, Milo. Yeah. I'm used to people sharing his stuff and then going to see him live.

I'm like, he's going to fucking blow your mind. Blow your tits off. Because he's been doing it for years. And he's gone through different characters to hone that skill yeah yeah everyone i know that's gone to see troy hawk has gone oh my god that's an amazing show you expect it's gonna be mate i saw him play a chalet in mausine to about 80 people that work in fucking hotels in a ski resort it was a it wasn't an easy crowd he absolutely destroyed of course he's gonna fucking rip in front of 1700 people that all love him

already it's just so it's obvious and i remember brilliant to see he put that um greatest guild video out and he was outside wilkinson's yeah he put it out years ago i remember watching thinking oh that's funny yeah and then he kind of just i think he put that out again in lockdown and obviously it just caught the algorithm or whatever it just fucking blew up then i think you put a bit of a name on it the greeters guild or something and it just kind of legitimizes it it's a lesson to people who create content it's like just because it doesn't blow up the first time doesn't mean it was a bad video it just might be that if you do 10 and none of them get anything i think j Josh it's time for wires

bring it back oh bring wires back do it again reshoot it high budget where do you get your ideas because they're all so like I mean the comedy

is the modernity isn't it where like where do you get your ideas I think I just kind of it's like stand up but not stand up it's maybe some of them

some of the videos I would love to have done as stand up and I would have tried as stand up before I had video. Why are you laughing at me? Why are you laughing at me?

Just the lowest level question you can ask anyone. Where'd you get your ideas? No, because that's the point. When you write your songs, what inspires your music? No, I'm saying, do you go about your day and go, there's one, I'll do it next week. Yeah. Where'd you get your ideas? That's a good question.

He's absolutely mugging you off here. You trying to be a journalist? You trying to do a proper interview? I'm trying to be a journalist. Josh, have you had... Where did you get your idea? Josh, who were your heroes when you started out? Did you always know you were funny, Josh?

Were you the funny one at school? How do you remember it all? These are all pertinent questions. I made him laugh. The shittest question we've asked any guest. No, it wasn't. It was. Where did you get your ideas?

Interview 101. Is this GCSE podcasting, is it? Meant to be the top of the game, Cal. As if you're doing it. Get up from that. So, I'll ask it again, Josh. What's your favourite colour? What made you get into comedy in the first place, Josh?

What do you think about Gaza? Slight left turn. Good player. He's a good player. I didn't even blink at that question, Carl. I thought that was... Thank you. You fucking cut through the shit, do you know what I mean?

Exactly. All this, I'll watch your process. What do you do with it? How do you unpack an idea? Where do you get your idea what do you do with it how do you unpack an idea where did you get your idea yeah that's good thank you yeah

he's going to ask what colour your bum hole is in a minute what is it yeah where I just yeah as you say

just walk around a lot of it would have been stand up at one point before I had the videos I'd be trying to get it to work as stand up probably failing

and binning it off whereas now because it's too niche and people like i don't really get the reference but yeah doing your videos you don't you're not relying on the crowd going oh yeah i get it yeah you're not one of those 30 people that might not know yeah who the animal man was at school but people on the internet might yeah so yeah it's a great question mate thanks Josh what colour's your bum on I'm sure whenever you've done podcasts and stuff you've been asked this question before this better be good

because he's dying to rip it what products do you use on your hair that's so fluffy and I hope you're not sick of talking about it, but for those who don't know a lot about you, you have represented the partially-sized England team, is it 50 times? I think it's 62 caps now.

62 caps, okay. He's on the wall at St. George's. He's on the wall at St. George's Park. Right, so here's the thing, right? Me and you gigged together a lot when we both first started. I think you started maybe a couple of years after me, but you still,

you'd end up doing, when did you start? 2014. Yeah, so you're a few years after me, but you're doing a lot of similar gigs in those first sort of formative years.

And I remember, because obviously, like, to someone who just meets you, if you didn't tell them that you're visually impaired and like, from reading sorts of stuff about you online,'s like nerd and blindness i've heard people

call you blind now right but i just thought when we first met that you just had a bit of a me eye i thought you just had a bit of an adam rowe lazy eye right yeah and the first time someone told me about you being blind was also when they told me that, I think at the time you had like, let's say 15 England caps or 20 or whatever it was. So someone literally goes to me, I was like, who are you giggling with last week? And I go, I was on with this person, this person,

and Josh Pugh. And they went, do you know he's got like 17 caps for England? But they didn't mention anything else. They just said for England. So I was like, Josh Pugh has got 17 England caps. I feel like I'd know about that. And they went, yeah, and he's blind as well. I was like, I don't think you've met Josh Pugh.

I don't think you know who Josh Pugh is. He's not blind. He's never brought a dog to a gig. He's never got a stick. And also, he definitely hasn't got 17 England caps. What? 62. 62?

Yeah. I can remember them gigs. I can remember when I first started, I think, because you were doing. 62. 62? Yeah. I remember them gigs. I can remember when I first started, I think, because you were doing stuff about your eye. Yeah. You've got a turning eye and Ramesh was doing stuff about his eye.

And I was like, oh, I can't even talk about having dodged eyes because these people can actually see perfectly. They've cordoned off the eye stuff. But yeah, it's terrible. But also, I think just growing up where I grew up and having the parents, I think I learned not to tell people. I think it's totally but also i think just growing up where i grew up and you know having the parents i had i think i learned not to tell people i think it's a we live in a world now and

especially in comedy you can commodify anything any any difference any you know it's kind of people use it and hold on to that whereas when i grew up like it was massive you don't tell people but you know people at school have to know because they're educating you. But if you go to a new football team or you, you know, meet a new group of mates, you learn to actually probably don't tell people because you might, it might be harder for you. And then when I came to comedy and everybody's like,

I've, I'm fucking colorblind or I'm such, I'm like, ah, colorblind people are just attention seeking content. There's nothing wrong with them and they're just full of shit. I've actually got 10 caps for the colourblind England team.

That won't be hard, though, would it? Who'd you pass to? Nice. Is that right? He's fuming, by the way. It's quite interesting you say that because when I was growing up, I got a lot of shit

because of my eye and stuff. And then when I started stand-up... Mostly from me. Not once, by the way. When I started stand-up for the first like three or four years i didn't mention it at all yeah because i wasn't comfortable talking and joking about it yeah and it was rob thomas said to me why don't you ever do jokes about your eye and i was like i just don't want to do it and he went but you should address it because i guarantee everyone in the audience is thinking what the fuck's going on with his eye so that made me go oh maybe i should mention it because you don't want the audience sitting there going does he even fucking know does he know yeah does he know it's a it's a weird one with mine because

some people can get straight away just to tell there's something what's wrong with your eyes other people i've known for years and i don't know my eye so my condition is my eyes move constantly to try and get focused but they never will will. And people say, oh, you've got a lazy eye. It was actually, they're fucking putting a shift in, actually. You can't fault the work rate. What percent of vision have you lost? What is it? So they say I've got like 15% vision.

So based on the eye chart, so you know you go to the spec savers or whatever, I can't see the chart at all. I can't see anything on the chart until they bring it halfway again, and then I can see the top letter it's probably the best way of holy shit describing it so it's distance then it's distance it's basically everything is just lower everything's just generally lower but you you go off other stuff you know you kind of you know if if uh if i'm in havere word studios and somebody comes in that door and I can

see they've got a NFL top on or something, a big spot. Oh, that's probably Adam. So when he comes in, I've got a fedora on. Oh, that's probably Dan.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So you're using, it's like anything, isn't it? You kind of use it. Yeah. Yeah.

Would it be really offensive if when we take a break in a bit, we all went out and swapped clothes? Can you drive? No, that's not... Which is obviously a massive pain for stand-up. But even when I first started, I never asked anybody for a lift. I'm so conditioned to not tell anybody about it. It's quite sad, really, but I'm over it now.

It's like a working-class defence mechanism, though, isn't it? To be like, nah, I'm not giving anyone ammunition so yeah yeah yeah uh but yes it's changed but i think i just same with you said about you should get older you just mature and like actually everybody's got a bit of something yeah there's some people i've got a good you know good head of hair so we're some people are bald at 19 yeah would you rather be i know people who are bald i know people who are bald and they're like my age and they're so sad about it. They're so like aggressive. You wouldn't swap with them, would you? No.

No, I wouldn't. No. Oh, no, no, no. I'd be 0% blind right now. Just to look like Wurzel Gummidge. I'd be so happy. 0% blind? I don't know.

It's total vision. That's full vision, yeah. 0%. The thing is, if you went 0% blind, I could just like tell you you've got hair and you wouldn't even know. I'd vision, yeah. 0%. The thing is, if you went 0% blind, I could just tell you you've got hair and you wouldn't even know. I'd say it then. But it gets...

It doesn't feel like... Blindness gets no respect, by the way, whatsoever. Yeah, we're taking the piss out of it here. Yeah. But I mean, if I started a joke now about Stevie Wonder,

you'd be like, fucking this better be about him not being able to see. You're sure fucking in big trouble if not. There's no respect. You could put a film on, some fucking nutter in a film. He's always got a turny eye. Or some redneck in a gas station in America with a fucking...

He's always got a... Why has he got a... You know what I mean? It's like... I wrote a sketch a few years he's always got, what has he got? What? You know what I mean? It's like. I wrote a sketch a few years ago and was like, I'm going to film this soon. And it was called Straight Eyed Privilege. And it was me doing like a really serious

candid to camera going, people don't understand what it's like to just have normal eyes, like how privileged their life is. And like a week later, George Floyd happened. And I was like, I can never do this. Yeah. Because like,

it was me talking about how no one talks about the plight of lazy eyed people. And then like, a black guy got murdered for being black. And I was like, okay.

What's the bad guy in James Bond called? That's a good instinct. Not Idris Elba, mate, because they won't let him have it. The bad guy? Give me the bad guy. Oh,

I thought you said something else. Joey, he's got like a, something on his face, hasn't he? And he's a bad guy. Give me the bad guy. I thought you said something else. Joey, he's got like a something on his face, hasn't he? And he's a bad guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's people campaigning saying, can the bad guy stop having like

facial impairment? They're trying to stop that. Because they're like, you're making every single person with something on their face the bad guy or something wrong with their face. Did you ever get this? I mean, it happens a lot too.

If I'm out and about, I kind of, you know, when someone else is, you're walking down the street, someone's walking towards you. Yeah. They can't read which way I'm going to go. It's like in a penalty, you're giving the keeper the eye.

This is how you've got 62 caps, mate. Unmarkable on the wing like that. I've just been in TK Maxx, which is, may or may not be close to the studio, we're not allowed to say, but... Miles away. But it happened like twice a woman was like

and I was like no and she was I think they're trying to read which way I'm going to go but can't because how my eyes are

what position do you play I'm a lucky defensive player so we play futsal which is indoor it's on a court dead fast sport really fun

and yeah I'm more of a defensive player, yeah. I've seen videos of this because Chris Washington, our mate, is like best mates with Josh. And when you were in the World Cup, the most random thing to say, I was getting sent clips of the partially cited World Cup by Washi who was like, mate, it's fucking amazing. And he's literally sending me videos of you playing.

Because he was there, wasn't he? Yeah yeah so our world cup was in Birmingham this year which is like it's like a dream it's like Rio isn't it yeah it is for me yes and then um but so the last world cup there was like no one in the stands there's like a we played Turkey and there's maybe like 50 Turkey where was the last world cup? In Antalya, in Turkey. Right. So we had three fans, three English fans. All of them happened to be in the hotel we were in in Turkey, over there getting their teeth done.

So you had three vampires mid-procedure. Three women from Kent couldn't even really cheer. And that was the Barmy Army what's the requisites for being in the blind team

is there like levels so the blind team they play with a blindfold so they have to have their sight has to be 0% no basically I think light and dark

I think you can see light and dark and then above that is is the party sighted team then when it gets to a point it's like okay

there you can now see too good you can you can have quite bad sight and actually not be eligible which i think is a really shit position to be in yeah yeah um so yeah but then i mean the classification in any in any para sport the classification is a massive you know you've also got you know so drugs is a big thing in sport, isn't it? PEDs. So you've got that, but also in para sport, you've got the classification element. So we've had teams in the past, we played Russia and you'd see them in the hotel. You'd see them, because you get eye tests

when you go in there. Russians are cheats as well, aren't they? Like they just are. They, I wouldn't, yeah. They're kind of, you know, they can be kind of being led into the eye test like this and then you see them in the hotel. Playing darts.

Yeah, they're on their Xboxes and distant. You fucking Russians. Yeah, it's... You don't want to get involved in any controversy and I'll say it for you, mate, it's cheats. Cheats. They're banned at the minute, which is obviously because of the Putin stuff.

Yeah. But the Russian party decided, what's our team? Have that as well, you're out as well. Who. But the Russian party side futsal team have that as well. You're out as well. Who's the best? Who's the best team? Ukraine. Are they the best? Ukraine are virtually untouchable.

Belarus went undefeated for 10 years and then they brought in a new system of our classification and they just disappeared from the sport. Oh, Marches. Love them. Because they're like a communist country, they could get a better standard of living if they lived as athletes.

So you're getting lads that are good footballers who maybe had some kind of refractive error, maybe basically needed glasses, and were somehow getting in to the Paralympic programme and just living a better life. I think it's about time where there was just another level another couple of levels of olympics and now at the minute we've got the olympics and the paralympics which is you know essentially super humans yeah and people who could be super humans if they were impaired yeah right i think there

should be two more i think there's another level, which, first of all, I've advocated for this before. What are we calling this? What are we calling it? The Super Olympics. What's the next level? So the Super Olympics is everyone's just allowed to do whatever drugs they want. Like, whether it's steds or you just want to have a line or whatever you want, just, like,

whatever you want. 100%. It's a free-for-all. And if you die, that's on you. You sign a waiver. Yeah, but that's all drugs, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. If you have too much coke and you know what?

You win the under meters, but you drop dead at the finish line. It's on you, John. You're a champion. Yeah, you're the champion, but you're dead now. You don't fall. Right? But there's a middle one which goes so,

and it's just normal people. And it's like Geordie duty. And every country in the world just sends out random invitations. So like you might have to do the discus and Finn might have to do one of the other ones. 72, 75 million people. You just get a letter and you're like, oh my God, Olympic team.

And when you open the letter, you know that you've been selected to that squad. But you have no idea what event it is. Until you get there. What age limit? No age limit. So you can go right up until you're 19. I think it's 18 to,

I'm going to use an old Finn Taylor analogy. So Finn Taylor used to have a bit, it's online, it's great, which is like old people shouldn't be allowed to drive. He's like, we don't let people drive until they're 18. So we should take 18 years off the average age of death, which is 80. So from 62, you don't have a license anymore.

So I think it should be like 18 to 62. Because if you're part of the sprint team and then your Nana rolls in from the old people's home. It's just random. Is this clean? Can these do drugs as well? No, they can't do drugs. Oh, no, you wouldn't want to.

No, Justin. That's ridiculous. You don't want to put it into the park. You know what we say? We want to make it invalid in any way I'm not giving my nana cocaine again they can't do any

new drugs so the way you find out you're doing it they turn up at your house right and they immediately test you whatever you've got

in your system they don't get the police involved they just go right you've had like two bags of Charlie in the past two weeks so you can have

two bags of Charlie for every two weeks until the event so you just you go in as you are whatever your diet is whatever for every two weeks until the event. I can't wait for my car. It's going to be a car. So you go in as you are, whatever your diet is, whatever you had for dinner for the last week, John. I've had turkey, dinosaurs

and pot noodles every day. Oh, you're not even allowed to sort of look at going in as, no, you go in as you are. You don't know what it is. It's like the Hunger Games, you get dragged out your nose. Yeah.

Oh, you're not even, you're just a normal guy. I think that is a much fairer way to see who's the best countries in the world. There's some dangerous sports as well. There's pole vault. Anything horseback, you could be banging.

Put them together. I mean, pole vault, the gold medalist will be the one who can pole vault. Win it. Yeah, fact. Because, no, I mean, they always are.

No, no, no. No one's ever won the pole vault without being able to do it. No, no. Every other contestant, every other entry might not be able to do it. If one person can just get over the fucking... How can you get pole vault? Yeah.

You're asking him? I asked you. Yeah. What height are you pole vaulting? I don't know what the world record is. Six metres? Pole vault world record is 6.15 meters. The pole's doing

all the work. The pole's literally doing all the work as they normally are. They're a hard working people. I don't see how

you don't put What's wrong with that? It's great. It's a hard working people. It's a good joke. It's a positive

racism. It's good. Yes. What is hard about Polvalt? What? What's hard about Polvalt?

Using the pole. Karl, that's like saying what's hard about the F1. The What's hard about pole vault? Using the pole. Karl, that's like saying what's hard about the F1. The car's doing all the work. No, because you've got to use your brain to make decisions. You've got to use your brain to put the stick in the ground. Yeah, that's the decision made. Shall we do a pole vault special where you're obviously going to be dead good at it because it's dead easy? Yes.

You just run fast enough and swat it in. It is one of the ones, though, where you do look at it and go, how much skill's involved here? They all do the same thing. 6.15 metres. It's the hardest one. It's the biggest pole. I think it's the hardest one. If you do that at it and go how much skills involved here no they all do the same six point one five meters one i think it's the biggest hole i think it's the hardest one with a beat up hole smashed it but the pole's six meters long you just climb in the pole you're just climbing a pole have you seen this you know you get a pole you climb up you put a flag on the top that's pole vault one you've got run with it. You've got to get it out the thing looks up. That's not easy.

Get it out the fucking sheath. You're running with the sheath. Yeah, I imagine that was it. You're running with a javelin, essentially. Yeah, and then you've got to plant it. Yeah. Use your momentum. Rotate your body.

And not sexually assault yourself on the way down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's six metres in the air. There's no poles involved there. I think high jump's much easier than pole vault. I don't know, but I think the pole vault would be much more difficult.

So you're saying pole vault, you just pass at the first few heights. No, you're still in. I'll pass at this one, lads. Too easy. Just walk up, having a look at it that's not me high jump in this format of the Olympics is a piece of piss

because it doesn't matter literally you could have the worst selections ever, completely random but everyone can jump over a 40 centimetre pole, can't they? On the high jump, they can just go, ah. Pole vault, you might not be able to get yourself.

Do you think that's where the high jump starts? 40 centimetres? Oh, hang on. What's the one I'm thinking of? The one where you. Yeah, you are thinking of high jump. That's good. But you can just lower it, can't you?

And you're still going to win that Olympic event. I don't think people can pole vault. Yeah, but what if like you get done you get picked for the high jump and then you're up against like a fucking springbok do you know what i mean of a person south african yeah what would you be if you got selected and you get there you've got your paper and you're queuing up what events are you hoping that you've been like when you get there just to meet the women how is it not gendered no it is gendered

Dan's just changed the key detail of my events and I'm not having it it is gendered you don't get to meet the women I think that's one of them things that sounds great

but as a spectacle would be fucking horrendous it'd be fucking unbelievable it's like the first five minutes of soccer age great and then it's like oh fuck

just bring some you've raised the money now it should be 20 minutes each way. Bring some players on. Yeah, bring some players on. My career long dream now is to get to do Soccer Aid and be on the opposite team

to a Tory politician and I'm just going to literally two foot their knee and walk off before the red cards even out the ref's pocket. How mental would that be? The picture just after that happens with Zidane going,

what does that mean? Do you reckon you'd get done for the soul? What? Do you reckon you'd get done for the soul what do you reckon you get done for the salt say I went for the ball no even the ball the ball's my it's half time

has any football player ever been done for the salt for something that's happened on a pitch Ben Thatcher I think well fuck him but he used a gun

I think the fact you've been quite open about this might harm your chances of getting on soccer no I didn't watch I didn't watch this which is why I also won't get booked it's weird quite open about this might harm your chances of getting on soccer. No, I don't watch. I don't watch this.

Which is why I also won't get booked. It's weird. The only hope I've got is if they become fans of this and if they do, then I won't get it. I think the event I want is the Norwegian pedophilic

long distance skiing with shooting. I genuinely think I might be all right with that. It's not real. No, it is. No, it absolutely is. Pedophile shooting.

In the one where they ski for a bit and then they go, what, I'm gonna shoot that. You've gone way too far back, haven't you? Biathlon, have you? Oh, by the way. Biathlon, yeah. Biathlon, yeah. You're not bisexual, though.

Yeah. Nice, because it's got bi in it. I like it. How did you get into comedy? No, I'm joking. I'll ask that. Yeah. Are you good at any other sports, Josh?

I used to do a bit of... I actually dropped out of football. So when it went from... I was always one of the good players when we were small side. Then when it went to 11ers side, I just couldn't... The distances were too much.

And I also didn't really understand why I was struggling. I was like, I'm fucking... I'm getting worse. Yeah. And I think it's nice because you can... So I dropped out of football out I did rugby for a bit did a bit of athletics

did boxing a little bit did I'd try anything really I'd try I'd try I'd try tennis obviously I can't see to play tennis

but I thought if I but I'd just learn to serve just ace on everyone that's what that's what I do generally at school because obviously

you try all the different sports I don't always try and get involved I just get try and get a super strength at one thing I mean Andy Roddick did it yeah

I just keep save a table tennis put a load of spin on a serve and just make a load of noise celebrate every point and you can celebrate every point even when you're losing

obviously you're not going to take it when you get towards the goths and some of the girls you can beat them doing that kind of thing when you're losing? Obviously, you're not going to take it. When you get towards the goths and some of the girls, you can beat them doing that kind of thing. Only play table tennis against goths.

Yes! It's cool. They make people like goths and that at school, emos, got no interest in playing basketball.

That is hard. It's hard for that pe teacher as it is for the english teacher or maths teacher trying to no teach loads of scullies yeah coaching goths basketball is harder than that it would be a fucking great film though wouldn't it i'd like coach carter too except this time they're all goths i don't see the point in life well we're gonna play basketball. The big reveal at the end is that Coach Carter,

when he was in school, was a goth himself. He's grown up. Because I'm home. Because they're all like, yes, I am. He's like, goth. Because they're all like,

you don't understand what it's like to be a goth. And then he's like, Samuel L. Jackson is the least. I was a fucking goth. Absolutely the least, least believable goth. That was Whoopi Goldberg, wasn't it? Yeah, it was. She was a fucking goth! Absolutely the least believable goth. That was Whoopi Goldberg, wasn't it? Yeah, it was.

She was a goth as well, though. Coach Carter, ladies and gents. What a fail, man. Do you know what? Remember the Titans is actually my favourite. Do you know what I hate about Remember the Titans? Do you know what I read recently? Go on.

On a web forum. Go on. First of all, the year Remember the Titans is set, every other team in the league was already integrated with black and white players. Yeah.

And also the Titans had also been integrated for years and it's presented as if it's a new thing. Yeah. The only thing is that they were the first to have a black coach. Oh. Bad that, isn't it?

They fucking ruined the film. Fucking Disney, man. Not ruined the film. Well, I've watched it four times not knowing that, so. Yeah. Yeah. Well, the fifth time. I'm never going to watch it again.

You're not watching it that way. Why have I watched it that many times? I really love Remember the Titans. It's a great film. But it's a great film, like, if it's real. And if it's not real real just set it 15 years earlier and pretend it happened why can't we all just get along when did when did you first watch that film i just mean where did you get the idea it's actually in virginia in 1971 um no i suppose

10 15 20 years ago it's i don't know how old it is it's it's quite old 10 20 years ago i don't know maybe 20 maybe 15 20 years ago quite a long time ago films a lot i do yeah he hasn't seen the shawshank redemption don't get it it's sometimes a classic film you just remember it or for some reason you're on facebook and the fucking videos on there are mental and they show you a clip of like 90 seconds of a film that doesn't have a fucking ending and all it makes you do is want to watch the film i watched the untouchables again the other day you seen that yeah unreal film what's about cost uh al capone lepers what lepers kevin costner is a kevin costner al capone and lepers? Kevin Costner. Kevin Costner, Al Capone and lepers. And Sean Connery. Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, the leprosy. Unbelievable. That's the film. Do you not love a re-watch? I love a re-watch. I always love films. I can re-watch TV shows. It's very rare I'll re-watch a film.

That's mad. I don't know why. I only re-watch things now. I can't remember the last time I watched something new. The other day, I spent about an hour and a half trying to decide something new to watch on Netflix. And remember the last time I watched something new. The other day, I spent about an hour and a half trying to decide something new to watch on Netflix. And in the end,

I paid for Paramount Plus so I could start The Good Wife again. It's an anxiety thing, isn't it? It's an anxiety thing. Yeah, yeah. Watching the same thing so your mind's...

It's an anxious thing. Watching the same thing that you already know happens. Apparently, people who suffer badly with anxiety, they like re-watching stuff that's easy to watch because they know what's coming and it's no surprise because to people with anxiety it feels like dangers everywhere i've seen i've seen uncut gems 20 times what i've seen uncut gems 20 times

i've seen the first 20 minutes 20 times. Never finished it. It's horrible. You've seen it? No. You have seen it. Is it Adam Sandler? Yeah, it's basically just,

I find things so, I watched, you've seen the last series of Top Boy? No, but I've heard it's a doozy. It's just fucking, everybody's having the worst time in their lives. Everyone's being chased for money

chasing for money it's adam's life like and do a final series of like everyone's settled down dead happy oh yeah i suppose it's the nature of the yeah it's about time though where there's just either a nice film or a nice series where there's just a nice man who's got a nice family and they all have a lovely time. Peaky Blinders. Peaky Blinders, the later years. He's got three houses.

Just like a normal fella, like maybe he grew up in like a suburb of a big city. He didn't really have much growing up. He's worked hard. He's in a good position. Got a wife and a couple of kids. They're all happy. They go on a few holidays a year.

It gets to Christmas. They all get the presents they wanted. And a wife and a couple of kids. They're all happy. They go on a few holidays a year. It gets to Christmas. They all get the presents they wanted. And that's the end of the film. It's just a year in the life of the happiest family ever. Yeah, and you could have just looked in a mirror. It's a retired cop in a bar and goes, oh, we need one more job. And he just goes, I'm actually quite happy in my life.

Yeah, and the film is just him for an hour and a half in the boozer. It's just shot in one shot. And it's just people who keep coming in and going, you're right, John. And he has a quick catch up with about 15 people. And that's it. Or a war film when he goes, this is my last mission. And then he just completes it successfully

and goes home and starts a family and a really successful business. I can't tell you how much I'd watch all of these. If you were like, I'd then watch the first half and out of the tube and show them repeat. That's all you need. Fine. Oh, lovely.

Just keep stopping it. Just watch, yeah, the first episode of the Tinder swindler. This guy's a dream guy, mate. This guy's a prince. Would you not watch that, though? Just a nice film just to escape The fucking Dregs of life There's actually no jeopardy

There's no drama Nothing Everyone's just having A nice time Everyone's really lovely Like you know in a film In the first like 15 minutes When the gobshite turns up

And he's dressed A bit differently His hair's a bit mad And you just go Right he's the cunt He's the one we're gonna wait For the whole film And he's the one

Who's gonna get us Come up until the end Imagine if he Just isn't in it Wow What a film unbelievable just nice adam's gonna adam's gonna make a lot of money have you seen that film studios have you seen that film about sharks it's it's amazing the shark never turns up jaws without sharks it's just a load of people on the beach and in boats having a really nice day yeah Yeah, no, there's literally, they go shark in the water, everyone gets out the water and the shark fucks off.

And then that night is the big summer beach party. Slightly different. I told you what I'd do. You know the show The Hunted? Yeah. Tell you what I'd do on that because it's 100 grand, isn't it, if you win the whole thing? If you go on the run for a month, win 100 grand.

But you get 400 pounds to live on during that month I'd get dropped off in the city wherever you're getting dropped off straight to a cash point 400 quid out

in the back pocket just sit on a bench wait to get picked up 400 quid now or maybe 100 grand and you're fucking sleeping rough for a month I wouldn't even take a bag.

I'd be in the... I'd be in the minibus. Where's your bag? I'm confident I'll come right with the money. Same with deal or no deal. First phone call, 100 quid, yes, deal. I wouldn't even stay. I wouldn't even stay for the rest of it.

When I'm off your seat, millionaire, under palm, I'm done. I wouldn't even stay. I wouldn't even stay for the rest of it. When I'm a 40 million there, under pound, I'm done. If I wouldn't take any chances, wouldn't use any lifelines, I'd try and get to a grand and then... But you wouldn't use any lifelines. Do you know what I'd do? On the question after the grand,

I'd use all my lifelines and then still just take the grand and go. Yeah. What did you get it down to? Have you seen that clip of the fella who won the million? And on the million pound question he rang his dad

and was like just want to let you know I don't need any help but I know the answer to the final question I'm going to win a million dollars and he gets it right

and he wins a million it's one of the best clips you'll ever see so what you do is you get to a grand and the next question is the next question is what was Hitler's first name

and it's like Adolf Alan Julie Tim and you just you ask the audience Julie Hitler the next question is what was Hitler's first name and it's like Adolf Alan Julie Tim and you just you ask the audience and it's

all the way up on Adolf and then you go do you know what still not sure 50-50 and it's 50-50 down to Julie and Adolf

right and then you ring your dad and you go just so you know dad you ask Jeremy and he tells you the answer and you go I don't believe it

you ring your dad and you go look dad I'll be honest with you everyone here thinks it's Adolf. It's down to 50-50 to either Adolf or Julie but I'm not sure

so just letting you know, coming home with a grand, get the booze I made, get the Guinness in. I'll get the rest of it. I'll get the rest of it. Can you pick me up? I'll get the chippy tea.

Would you mind getting me from the studio as well? Someone should do that, that'd be such a good clip. Ring your mate, we're having a chippy tea, I'll take a good haven tonight. But it's alright though,

isn't it? When people are on the game shows, gamble. It's not my job to make your TV show better. I'm taking this fucking under quid home with me. That happens at the quiz.

So we do a quiz and no one's ever not gambled. But if they did, just take the money and be like, oh, here's an under pound. Let's all go home. You can gamble for four grand this month oh maximum respect that is i've seen somebody's cool thing everything i can't remember what i think it was like a college thing

and it was like you had to eat three throw rushes in a minute or something like that anyway and this guy somehow didn't do any i'm not angry he put he put all he put all three in and couldn't do any. I'm not angry. He put all three in and couldn't get any of them down, so he counted as none. So then the other guy went up and he just sat like that and just really casually ate it for a rush. I'm like, that is fucking so cool. He just had to have won and win.

Yeah, he just had to register a score. Right. I think that's... You see it in a world's strongest man, don't you? Just to register a score. Right. I think that's... You see it like in World's Strongest Man, don't you? Just do the bare minimum. Just do what you need to get over the line. Save the energy, innit? Do you know what I mean?

That was just on, wasn't it? Yeah, sick, man. I used to love that one. People swear by that. You know it's the new year where everyone starts wanking on about the darts and World's Strongest Man at the same time. The Atlas Stones, man.

The Atlas Stones. Was that his name? Magnus Magnusson? Yeah. The Neville Neville of the weightlifting world. That was right. It was Magnus Magnusson.

I think so, yeah. I think he's reffing now. Is he, yeah? He's a... At the World's Strongest Man not just like Sunday. They can't live past 50 though. Their bodies are insane, aren't they?

Like their hearts can't take it. You don't see old strong men. There was a guy retired Mark Felix he retired this year 57 I remember him 57 retired

do you know the game? he's massive mate he's unit because of that saying but Magnus Magnusson yeah it was Magnus Magnusson I remember it used to be on the telly all the time

used to love it Channel 5 used to like pull like lorries down the road it's just the most entertaining bullshit ever and it only ever happened once once a year

that seems like a a little break let's have a little break welcome back we're back what is it what is it it's not the right podcast

for Josh Pym I know but where are we in it chronologically in the studio come on the end no

final section part part four of four ladies and gents oh four of four ladies we've got we've been mixing it up we're just gonna do three have a words we've had a spate of have a words and you're fucking mixing mixing a mark speed do you know what rest in peace and you know what i'm sick of playing the right jingle so also you've had enough of me haven't you

I don't know what you've done today but you've done me I think it's your head there's something going on with your head today

I don't know what it is really is it my head is it not the character of my content but just the shape of my head

shut on off i think it has wonky all right right so this first one also we've got two food ones then we'll do the other one last uh this is from philip lakin have a word with my mate nile i've seen him do this more than once and i'm sure he should be put on some sort of watch list when he's eating a banana he will take a few bites, then put the peel back on it, and come back to it a few minutes later. I don't understand how he can make a banana into a long meal. Surely I'm not the only one that thinks that he's doing it wrong.

Long, bruv. I think I've probably done that. I've probably done that. Really? You wouldn't do it with an apple, because it'd dry. And it hasn't got a peel on it? Yeah, but I'm saying, like, a repealable fruit, that isn't wild. Oh, I don't...

I think a banana aerating for a bit isn't good. Yeah. It's got the peel back over it. You're losing its best years there. Years? It's just a minute or two. I know, yeah. All he's doing is he's stopping it getting air to it.

So he's having a little bit and then he's going, right, instead of leaving that all out, I'll just cover it back up. It's basically built getting here to him. So he's having a little bit, and then he's going, right, instead of leaving that all out, I'll just cover it back up. It's basically built-in cling film. I don't think your friend's doing anything wrong. What do you think, Josh? Yeah, listen, give the guy a break. Yeah.

But no, I... You never know what someone's going through as well. No, it's all about the timeframe there, isn't it? If he's having a... Oh, I'll come back to that in a minute or two. He's maybe doing a bit on the laptop, whatever. Playing piano. Yeah, piano, whatever. Oh, yeah, having a come back to that in a minute or two he's maybe doing a bit on the laptop whatever doing a bit of playing piano yeah piano whatever a bit like oh yeah come back to it if he's like what kind of friend would be like just finish the banana all in one if he's going out that's weird yeah i don't think you should leave it in the house

oh no yes so there's there's a there's a cut off then you would leave it when it's acceptable to leave it yeah we'll leave it in the car and start again in the morning. I wouldn't know. Even on a cold winter's night. Is an hour acceptable? Or is that too long? An hour's fine. Two? Yeah.

Three? Same day. You can't go to sleep. Four hours. On a plate in the kitchen, reskinned. That's a day skinned. Yeah. Yeah.

You can't take a whole day to eat a banana. Boys smoking bananas would be my advice. I'm a fast eater, mate. Bananas don't last long around me. You know what I mean? You put a banana in front of me, mate. Fucking blink and you'll miss it. Do you know what I mean? It's the same.

Your mouth's the same with cock. It goes up an ass. It's just a euphemism for cock. Oh, was it? I didn't get it. I haven't asked it. Maybe that's on you. I just, like, this is just another, like,

oh, me mate does this thing that doesn't affect my life in any way whatsoever. Oh, everyone's doing the same thing. This is just one of those, my mate does something completely normal and doesn't matter at all. He eats bananas slower than I do. Tell him off.

Keep writing in, though, please. Yeah, keep texting me. Keep writing in. Keep writing in and I'll do this every time. It's fucking stupid, yeah. I think he should be and I'll do this every time. It's fucking stupid. I think he should be murdered with his own mouldy banana. It's not going mouldy. He's stopping it going mouldy.

Nah, man, it's gone. What fruit can't you do this with? An apple, you've only got... You need a certain area of skin to place down on. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't place an apple skin side down. That's a dirty bit of apple now.

Yeah, you've got your skin... But also you do still eat the skin bit. Yeah. But the skin cleans itself, doesn't it? Sort of. It doesn't stick. Are you thinking of dreadlocks? No, it's not really porn.

I think you're thinking of dreadlocks, man. They clean themselves. If you don't wash your apple for six months, it gets cleaner. Like jeans. A dry mango is not good either. What? What? A dry mango.

I'm always eating dry mango, me. Working class kid from Dovey. What are you talking about? You've had mango before. I've had mango in a juice. You've never had a mango? I've had mangoes. Who do you think I am, lad?

You've never had a mango in what short shot you're talking to? In like a little tub or something. You ate mangoes. Tubs? You have tubs of mangoes? What about kiwi? If I'm in Aldi and I want a little healthy snack, I get the mangoes.

I get the mangoes. Mangoes Aldi? Get these snacks for me? Mangoes Aldi get a bit of mango. If you're in Aldi and you want a snack, you go straight to the mangoes. If I'm feeling healthy on that day, if I'm feeling healthy on that day, I'll get mangoes.

If there's like over like the apple and grape snack packs. Who's walking past Aldi and goes, ooh, do you know what I want to get? Snack and mango. Aldi's for like a big shot when you're skinned. That's what Aldi's for. Or a flame flower. Or mango. Fine, any supermarket.

If they're in the little snack packs. What, are you buying mango at Sainsbury's? No, I'm not. I'll be back in a minute. Just go in the Asda Superstore What, are you buying mango at Sainsbury's? No, I'm not. I'll be back in a minute. Just go in the Asda Superstore. What are you getting? Some snacks. What, you mean like crisps or something?

No, I'm just getting one tub of mangoes. Josh, have you ever noticed how wild the centenile is in Aldi? That's good stuff. I'm not going to write that down. It's mad in there. You get like a fucking tin of paint next to a flame bro. Tour shows at adamro.co.uk. What about the self-service when you've just got mango?

Like when you put it on the thing and it says, it says seek assistance. I can't do it. I'm terrible at it. Getting mango to the centre, and you've got a self-service. Listen, I haven't had to pay for the mango. You didn't take the money. I just walk away with a mango. did in your aldi's up here did they um did they leave the carrier bags out in

the self-service hang on how far south you're from the midlands yeah but what i'm saying is where where i live if you go through the self-service service and aldi yeah just come in man but they don't they don't leave the bags out you've got to ask for a carrier bag there's a person walking around with loads of carrier bags yeah yeah they do that people are taking us there i don't leave the bags out. You've got to ask for a carrier bag. There's a person walking around with loads of carrier bags. Yeah. They do that at our Asda test. I don't pay. All I do is I get it off them

and still don't pay. Yeah. I haven't once ever, I think maybe once or twice actually. I think once or twice in my life I've paid for those bag followers. I used to pay for them before it was written into law.

You know like when Jordan Peterson bangs on, he's like, no, well, once they sort of made it law that I had to call trans people whatever they want to be called, I don't do it anymore because I'm not being told what to do by Justin Trudeau. Well, I'm not letting fucking Boris Johnson

and Rishi Sunak tell me that I've got to buy a bag. I used to buy the bags. And what you've done is you've fucked yourselves there. Okay? Forced it on the ground. Yeah. I'm like, do you know what? Now that I've got to,

now that that's the only bag available, because it was brought in under this guise of, oh, it's better for the ground. Yeah. I'm like, do you know what? Now that I've got to, now that that's the only bag available, because it was brought in under this guise of, oh, it's better for the environment. Like those little thin bags. No, we don't want them. Just get these thicker ones, but pay for them.

And we'll use that money to pay for the environment. Not for life. They go straight in my bin when I get home. Now it's the only bag and they're four quid each. Yeah, but they're not four quid.

Are they like 60 pence now? I went to the works the other day, the art and craft shop. Yeah. And the only bags they got were the two pound, 60 pence now? I went to the works the other day, the art and craft shop. Yeah. And the only bags they got were the two pound, like funky bags. And I went,

no, that's all we've got. I had paints, so I had to buy one. So I went on a Harry Potter bag now. That's the story though. I'm not paying for those bags, mate. I click no bag every time. I can have a big shop.

Yeah. No bag. No bag. How many, you've got five bags? No bag. And you never? No. bags no bag and you never no wow god and if they ever ask me i'm just gonna go parking a parent and child you don't fucking pay for bag to you guys you're just i thought that was handbags i haven't bought any handbags sorry

mates is your quid now fuck all you do is you place no receipt and then when they come up to you to ask oh i scan them all they can't check you've got no receipt i've never once been checked i think even the people in like uh as they're in tesco and the security man i think they're on our side but it really i think they're all like do you know what i do the same thing they respect you they're just like yeah go what are you gonna do carry all these mangoes out that's what they do that those security guards actually you know people are really good at like online fraud eventually they get recruited by yeah um the police that's what them security guards are they're some of the biggest bag thieves in history and they've turned their life around and now they're on the other side of it but they're still a part of them respect the

game yeah they've been there man they get it use 15 bags without paying for one fair play i've got a man on the inside do you know what in fact we're not going to bollock him we're going to offer him a job I'm looking for a fucking assistant put a bag around the inside

tell you later he'll just give you bags just winks at me on the way out no the old school this is old school shoplifting this is you go through a till and you put

a crate of beer or some toilet roll or some nappies under the under the trolley on that little bit and then when you go oh what about that

you go oh I forgot maybe I caught I forget many if it weren't screwed on I do that in like I do that in like the range push the trolley

off to the shop leave the stuff you paid for as well you're shopping yeah your kid's still in the trolley I'm out I'm going to Mexico Push the toy off to the shop. Leave the stuff you paid for as well. It's choppy. Yeah, forget it, man. Your kid's still in the trolley. I'm out. I'm going to Mexico.

I do that in, like, the range. I'll have, like, a curtain pole in my trolley because, obviously, that doesn't fit on the little conveyor belt thing. So I just leave that in and put that to the end of the thing. And if they forget to go, oh, what about that curtain pole?

Then it's on. It's on. It's on three curtain poles for me, mate. Kids used to kick 40s out of sports directly and follow it up. Fucking mad. You want it? But I... that curtain pole then fucking free curtain pole for me mate kids used to kick 40s out of sports directly fucking mad but I but I but I heard that

if you've got the money on you they can't prosecute you that's a fact it is yeah so just take loads of cash

just take like 10 grand to every shop and just rob it blind and one day you'll get away with it you can rob a bank as long as you can match what you steal

with the money in your pocket it's like a casino you walk in with a briefcase with two mil in and hold them up and walk out with another two mil

as long as you go I've got my own two mil I don't even need that I was about to deposit this money I always do it with a sewn off shotgun that's my bad I wasn't thinking

I'm going to Mexico that's a clever way to rob always have the money on you yeah so bananas no you should honestly yeah oh That's my bad. I wasn't thinking. I'm going to Mexico. That's a clever way to rob. Always have the money on you. Yeah. So bananas. No, you should, honestly. Yeah. Awful.

Shoot yourself. Right, okay. All right, next one. Another food one. This is from John. Just live and let live, you know what I mean? Or don't, for the podcast sake. This is from John Barkley.

Quick one, lads. Have a word with my mate, Lee. We went out for some food. I ordered a small plate of chicken tenders with two of them on the plate. lee asked if he could steal one like it was a fucking chip diabolical behavior have a word he's only got two nah yeah you've only got two chicken tenders you can't you can't if i've got two chicken tenders you go like can i have one of them i don't think we'd speak for the week i think it's percent no it, it's percentages. I would not do it. Half of my chicken tenders.

Have you got anything else? They're aside, aren't they? No. I think you can give up 20% as a friendly gift. Like if you go to Nando's and you get the halloumi sticks, someone goes, oh, I can have one. You're always generous with that. You're always offering them.

What if all of us ask for one? That's his opening offer. So it's up to you to come back then. He's gone in at 50%. That's his right. You've got to come back then. He's gone in at 50%. That's his right. You've got to come back then. I'll give you a bite of it. And then if he goes,

well, I want, you know, that's how democracy works. And that's how democracy works. Yeah. I'd just be like, no. That's pathetic. Two chicken tenders. They've got to be big chicken tenders.

Half it and give them one. Yeah. Would you do that? Would you actually? If we went for Scranton and I got sides and it looked like Giz one, I would, yeah.

You would not. I've known you for a long time. If you had two chicken tenders and I said Giz one of them, you would move the plate to the side of the table that I'm not on. and you got something

that I could take a go, yeah? But if it was just like me making it. You might go, let's say I got barbecue ribs and it was two of mine, you'd go, I'd swap you for one of them. I could take a go, yeah? But if it was just like me making it. You might go, let's say I got barbecue ribs and it was two of mine, you'd go, I'll swap you for one of them. But you wouldn't go,

go on, I'll just have half my chicken tenders. If they were there and I was sat there, you'd go, fucking no, and you'd put your plates over there. That's like a prison move,

that is. Yeah. It's like, you know, if you get a new bike and there's somebody a couple of years old who goes,

oh, let's have a go on that. Yeah. Oh yeah, and you don't want to. And then just fuck off on it for like four hours. Yeah. Just never let anyone have a go on that. Yeah. Oh yeah, you don't want to. And then just fuck off on it for about four hours. Yeah. Never let anyone have a go on your bike.

That's how that feels. That feels aggressive. Yeah. Just say two, that'll give us one. Yeah, no. What else are you going to ask for next? Your mate.

You say, yeah, where's that stop next thing? He's going through your... Your mate's gaslighting you about chicken tenders, mate. You give up that much tender, he's in the draw with the knickers. He's trying to make you feel bad for saying no,

but at the end of the day, that's your chicken tender and no one can take that away from you. Also, if you're doing all right, just order some more chicken tenders. I'd rather pay for my mate to order more chicken tenders than give up one of mine.

Like, what are we doing? Is he eating as well? Because if he's not eating, then he can fuck off. No, he is eating, but he's just failed to order a side. I ate that. When I order food,

Laura goes, I don't want any of yours. And then you're like, cool, cool. So you get all yours. And then she's like, oh, can I get a bit of that? And you're like,

it's not about the money. This is the amount of food that I want. I've ordered the amount of food and I gave you the window. We'll order two of everything. I don't give a fuck. I just want to eat that. Do you know what your mate's meant to do

in that situation? He sees your chicken tenders, he fancies one, he goes, you know what? They look good. I'm going to order some of them. And as he goes to call away,

he said, over there, that's on you to then go, we'll have one of these for now. And then when the other two come, I'll have one of yours. That's how that's meant to work. You get this a lot with,

if you go away, like with your mates or whatever, and the other person you're sharing a room with hasn't brought deodorant or hasn't brought toothpaste. Oh, because you're just assuming that I've brought toothpaste because I'm a little bitch. Carl does this with my air dryer. Yeah.

I assume the air dryer's going to be there. But I do, I give plugs. But air dryers don't run out, so it's fine. Exactly. But I do provide other things. I'm a good guest to be friends with. Are you a bit of a stickler for that, for the shared room? No, I'll do it.

Listen, I'll have it. But I'm not happy with it, really. really you shouldn't just don't assume bring your own bring your own as well yeah because it's bold to even go out with no toothpaste yeah i don't got a shot that's a bold move yeah no i mean you never leave yours right now it's not really no i mean uh it might be having mangoes at any point in terms of going for a night stay somewhere and not taking toothpaste, it's just a bold move.

Do you not think? I'm a forgetful man. I do occasionally forget a bit of toothpaste. I know Will's a smelly bastard, but other than that... Everywhere we've ever been, Will hutch me. He's gone, I haven't got toothpaste.

Yeah. I've never known... I'll buy it, though. Yeah, but he's... Will's not like... Do a little pharmacy run. Will's not like going through his monthly bills, going, do you know what? I can save money on toothpaste if I never take it to a Patreon, but he's, Will's not like, Will's not like going through his monthly bills, going, you know what,

I can save money on toothpaste if I never take it to a Patreon special and I just use fins. He's just a forgetful person and he's forgot to pack toothpaste. Do a little pharmacy trip on the first day. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that.

Yeah. Airport duty free. Get your dove 20% off. You're going to buy a new one anyway. New what? A new toothpaste. What? No, I've not got a a problem i'm happy to give mine out i'm just saying i would be on the drive they're going i've not got toothpaste what am i gonna do i know obviously i can buy some but i

just wait till i get the local shop if this behavior continues isn't it if it's just it's the presumption or i've forgot mine but you know but, you know, Dan will sort me out or Will will sort me out. Yeah, but what are you forgetting? Oh, I've got no pants. Yeah, where did you start, exactly? Euros. Yeah. You know, I didn't go, so... I've got no insurance.

Can you put me under... Can you say my name's Will Hutchby if anything happens? Do you know what? I've come on holiday and I'm just in my undies. I've got no luggage. Can I have some of your luggage? And I've got no money. And my wife's left me.

Can I share your wife? Come on, get in. Okay, but I'm having half of your luggage? And I've got no money. And my wife's left me. Can I share your wife? Come on. Get in. Okay, but I'm having half of your wife when you get one. You ordered a wife now when she gets here. First dibs. That was a good one, that. Right. Last one.

This is from Daniel Nuns. All right, lads. So I've just had the strangest poo encounter. So like Adam, I suffer from IBS. And admittedly, I was running a risky game having a can of monster and a coffee on a long drive driving back from doncaster i thought i best stop at the services chose the middle cubicle two people came in and chose the cubicle either side of me both sat down and started having a conversation about which coffee they were going to get

and why a cappuccino was better than a latte. Then one of them referred to me as guy in the middle and asked, what's your opinion? They then dragged me into their conversation about coffees. And when I flushed, they both said bye to me as I left and washed my hands. Now, I know on a night out, there's sometimes drunken toilet chat, but sober, it left me confused to what toilet chat etiquette is.

Have a word with them for me. I like that. I like it. Here's the thing. First of all, what kind of services only has three cubicles? Services normally have

a load of cubicles. You've picked the bad services to shit in the end. Just letting you know. What if he's just in the, maybe there's eight and they just managed to just surround him?

Well, you should know, Dan, that if there was eight, then there is no middle cubicle. Okay? No. There is if they take the one on either side. He said the middle one. Yeah, the middle of the two.

Let's say there's seven. Let's say there's seven. He's taken the middle one. Right, that makes more sense. That's all right. To appease him. Just appease him sometimes. And I'm doing his head in.

It was about time you have a bit of your own medicine, eh? After this Calpol, lad. Make me feel like Jesus. I just think he's had a nice encounter. I don't think, do you know what I don't like? Don't talk to me while my willy's out and there's no war between us.

And when we're all at your rhino, don't be like, oh, you're all right, lad, are you having a good night? My cock's in my hand, mate. Yeah, you're usually having a good night, don't you? You have your cocks in your hand.

No, I don't. We don't need to make friends with my dick out. That's what I'm doing with my cock, if I'm pissing in a night out. I think you've got every right as you get brought into that conversation to be like, and just be like,

I was just me saying, I do not understand in French. Just feel like I'm not into it. Yeah. Yeah. Probably. But I'm not willing to make any lifestyle adjustments yeah same you so i'm just gonna have to i've got explosive diarrhea most days but i like cheese i like milking me tea yeah bread's good like i'm not having some fucking cunt in a suit and a pair

of glasses and a stethoscope say listen listen, lad, no more fucking war buttons for you. Not happening. You know what I mean? Also, it ain't that bad, is it, having a shit? It's worse for other people. You know what I mean? Like, I'm used to it now. Yes, my bathroom stinks of shit a lot of the time, but it's my smell.

I don't mind it. So if there's a business over, you're just lucky you're in my house. Shut up. That's what he says before you do another shit. Just get ready for this, because I have a beard and cheese. Well, excuse me, can I just use your,

can I just use your, Lou? Thank you. Drowning a fucking shit, and it's fucking my problem. I'm going to fucking explode and fucking everyone stinks. Thank you.

That's an interesting one, isn't it? Because, they're obviously, they've surrounded him there. Yeah. He's gone in, presumably,

at the same time, you know, it's like people that grow up during the Troubles. When they go to a restaurant, they sit so they can see the door because they've grew up in that environment. Yeah. He's got IBS, so he's in toilets a lot. He's gone into a cubicle with space either side of him. Which is mental. I was about to say this.

Let's say there is three. You go to the furthest one away so that the people in the Burger King queue can't smell your arsehole. That's a fact. Yeah? It's your fault. You don't force it

so that someone has to be next to you if they come in. To say there is seven. If there's seven and he's in the middle one and they've took cubicles fucking either side of him and not just took two next to each's seven and he's in the middle one and they've took cubicles fucking either side of him and not just took two next to each other,

then they're in the wrong. That's weird. I think it's that. I don't think he'd have written in otherwise. I think it's great chatting to him. That's funny, isn't it? Yeah, it doesn't matter. Like, they've had a laugh.

They've bonded over some coffee-based... He's got a story. Knowledge. He's got a story. Don't talk to me on the toilet. That's my private time. That's one of the only peaceful times you have in life. What do you mean?

You smoke weed all the time, stay in your house. Oh, yeah. I don't mind talking on the toilet. I don't mind talking on the toilet. That's probably the only time I don't mind being on the phone. I'm on the phone, but then do you mute when you're talking? They think you're in a fucking war zone. What?

You're in fucking Israel. What's going on? Yeah, yeah, but then do you mute when you're talking? They think you're in a fucking war zone. What? You're in fucking Israel. What's going on? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what? I think I'm going to film. I'll just audio record myself shitting, and then I'll send you that, and an audio of the news from Gaza,

and I guarantee you'll be able to tell the difference. It doesn't quite sound like bombs. It does sound like... Hugh Edwards is in the building. Yeah, there isn't a reporter in the room. It sounds like a fat man jumping in the local leisure centre. That's all it sounds like. And a whistle.

Have you ever got the whistle blown on you at swimming baths? Not for many years. It feels... It's one of the worst feelings in the world. You feel embarrassed, you feel exposed, you feel guilty. And it's like, fuck it, sorry, man, I'm so sorry. What were you doing? I can't just anything, just stop wrestling or whatever.

Or whatever you do, nothing serious. Local kids. Yeah, just like going the wrong way. Heavy pettage. Sick, can you stop doing that? I'd rather get tasered by the police and have a lifeguard. So smug.

Yeah, it is, because he's nowhere near you and he's making you look like a cunt from afar exactly and he's up in that chair or whatever he's got like do you know what I mean they've got the shorts

and t-shirt on I'm like I'm just here with my family anyone who goes into any job where they have just where they've clearly gone into it just for that tiny bit

of authority like lifeguards police community support officers like security guards like they're all just weird little mings aren't they I love it how we're just assuming that lifeguards, police community support officers, like security guards. Like they're all just weird little mings, aren't they? I love it how we're just assuming that lifeguards have gone into it for power and not to save lives.

I can't give a fuck about lives. I just want to be like five steps up with a whistle. No, lifeguards do not get into it to save lives. How many lives do they save? Exactly. They get into it for power and pussy. That's it. David Castlehoff says that a lot says that at a local fucking YMCA

I'm here for the pussy combining the two things at the local YMCA we go home today, it's a day at the YMCA it's fun to stay at the YMCA by the way, combining the two stories actually, is it St John's yeah, the shopping

centre there, used a toilet there 20p, the machines the two uh stores actually i've just been to is it st john's yeah the uh shopping center there yeah used a toilet there 20p yeah the machines broke yeah so you got to put 20p in it and there's a guy let's talk about power and authority and money and pussy he's he's in he's like the he was he was gardening you had to you won't let him through you wouldn't let you through until you'd paid your 20p. But this guy, he was in a suit. That's not a suit gig, is it? No. It's a hazmat suit.

St. John's shop and centre toilets. Sunday best. If I seen him on Lock and Turn, the guy's obviously some kind of banker or businessman.

He definitely worked there. He's just an insane person with a suit. It's like that low level. You know about that guy in the Bristol car park? Just put a tabard on every day and charged three quid. That's maybe the...

He made so much money. He made about 15 grand or something. Maybe that's what this guy's doing. Has he dug the law there? Is that fraud? Yeah. Yeah. As long as he had 15 grand on him,

I think he would have been... 15 grand? Can't touch me, me mate we might be offering a service and like whispering I am H on the parking and I look at your car for three quid

and then they all know I look at your car for three quid but that's the service he's offering and as long as he looks at the cars he's done his job

have you just done an audio fine print there yeah is that the same thing yeah three quid to park your car I don't actually work here though lad

so if you didn't hear this that's not my fault people are okay with fraud say what what yeah he's a genius and by the way people say oh i'm an unqualified physiotherapist and start massaging you so am i yeah it's not you've not lied yeah i'm an unqualified physiotherapist let's have a every year a wave of 16 to 19 year old girls get makeup for Christmas and then start

their own business yeah put MUA after their Facebook name they were yeah I got nothing

to add to that love you are we done that's a pod innit yeah thanks for coming Josh cheers

go and see Josh on tour he's an unbelievable comedian you will have a Are we done? That's our part, isn't it? Yeah. Thanks for coming, Josh. Cheers, everybody. Go and see Josh on tour. He's an unbelievable comedian. You will have a fucking great time. Go and check your special. Where can we find the special that's out? On YouTube. It's on YouTube.

Josh Pugh. Josh Pugh on YouTube. Just type in YouTube. Pop in the search bar. Go onto YouTube. Yeah. Search bar. Yeah. Josh Pugh. Enter pew enter yeah it's on there and tour tickets same thing but google yeah nice mad in the internet yeah um just work it out you're

a grown-up nice my tour starts again next week there's 33 33 dates left on this tour. There's a long way still to go. Adam wrote, I'll cut it, UK forward slash tour, just added shows in Edinburgh, Ayr. Is it Ayr? A-Y-R? Ayr. Ayr. Cardiff, Blackpool, Brighton, Leeds, Huddersfield,

Coventry, which I said I wouldn't go to, but I'm being forced to. Southampton, Bridgewater, Durham. That's all of them. Back to where? Yeah. Please come and see us. And of course, the big show, the last night of the tour,

M&S Bank Arena in Liverpool, Saturday the 18th of May. Tickets still available. Saturday the 13th of January, I've got the first of this year's Comedians Club Chester. We've got Glenn Wall, Harry Stichini, Duncan Oakley, and me emceeing. It's a 7.30 start. Tickets available at

comediansclubchester.com. The link will be in the description of the episode. Finn. Yes? We have a song. This is from Hannah Weedle, and she's managed to get on because she bumped into you in Pogues. She did, yeah.

And you gave her my email address. So I've listened to the song and it's very good. This is a song called Changes. So Hannah Weedle. It's a wonderful cover. Yeah, it's a cover of Tupac. Thanks, Josh. Appreciate it.

Cheers. Everything around me is changing. Back to back, I move to new places With new faces Never thought that I had it in me To make a decision to leave Now everything around me is changing So indefinitely Was always used to the same old thing

When you'd walk in a pub to see a high school friend And think that leaving here'd be outrageous Oh, it could never be me Oh, everybody wrapped in a comfort blanket Of the same thing happening And you never think why You feel content but you don't feel fulfilled And you know you want more

You don't know how to build it Don't you think it's time to start making changes? So go step outside of everything you know You can't hide no peace and quiet No peace of mind I think you'll find just what you need A place to take in the air and breathe Far from the body

So once embodied everything If you keep playing the losing game Oh, you'll never win Something in the air's the same thing There's more to life than aimlessly waiting But I don't know what I'm waiting for Everybody casts a judgment of an achievement Always a stone to throw A place where people think they know you

Just cause they knew you Something like four years ago So go step outside Of everything you know You can't hide No peace of mind No peace of mind, no peace of mind I think you'll find just what you need

A place to take in the air and breathe Far from the bodies that once embodied everything If you keep playing a losing game, oh You'll never win You'll never win Win Wait What you waiting for? You're not my problem anymore Too loud, you can't ignore

The fire inside burning bright Oh, it's not stopping anytime Soon what you gonna do? Ooh, oh Soon what you're gonna do So go Step outside Of everything you know You can't hide No peace of quiet

No peace of mind I think you'll find Just what you need A place to take In the air and breathe Fuck on the bodies That once embodied Everything

If you keep playing A losing game Oh You'll never win you