Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #27 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 8, 2020

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What's happening guys, it's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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Pokey Pokey Picking a Pokey Good morning job seekers Oh my god Okay it's happening Catch me outside How about that Have you never seen me before

Upset me Nasty bitch I'm big boned I'm heavy structured I'm hung low if i pull my shit out this whole room get dark disgusting it's the end of the world as we know it and i feel like podcasting two mics two lids and a lot of time on their hands this is have a word shut down dailies let's get through this mess together. just struck me as we set this up to look at each other over the internet for like the 10th day

out of 11 that this is i don't know it's like a relationship this feels like a long distance relationship now like we just we always what we do is we faith time because we're best friends and my brick wall backdrop makes look me look like i'm the one on death row and you're one of those mental women it actually does it's been right into a serial killer guys have been really mean to me over the years but Adam the fucking murderer

understands me in letter form the Massachusetts Massacre Man he's got such a good heart. It's just he was battered by his dad as a child and that made him want to murder prostitutes. But he's such a good pen pal husband. He is one of the best pen pal fiancés I've ever...

Obviously, I lost two to the chair, but this one, you know, I'm really hoping that our love will last because he's on appeal again. See, the thing is, people are saying to me, why are you in a relationship with a murderer? But what they don't understand is, if he's 3,000 miles away, he can't murder me. So I just get the nice side of him.

I just get angry video calls. Why Massachusetts? I reckon you should give yourself a murderer name from where you you know the dove cut i'm just gonna call you the dove i'm gonna call you the dove get dickhead it doesn't have anything to do with murder it's just the most childish shit bit of alliteration of the Duffcutt dickhead. What? Oh, the Sogol Strangler. Oh, come on. That works, don't it?

Where are you? The West Kirby? West Derby? Fucking West Kirby. Shut your mouth. Nasty bitch. Obstruct me. West Kirby's on the fucking widdle. I ain't no wool. Oh, sorry, mate. Shout out to all our wool listeners. Fuck the widdle! Apart from if you're listening there. Hi sorry, mate. Shouts out to all our wool listeners. Fuck the world! Apart from if you're listening there.

Hiya, guys, you're right. So you're West Derby, are you? I'm the West Derby dick remover. That's what I do. I go round cutting. What? I go round cutting men's dicks off. Fucking hell.

That's one of those crimes that when you know when you get to prison if you've done certain things you're like if you've like murdered your wife or beaten her to death or if you've like done something wrong with kids you have to be in like solitary confinement because the other inmates are like we're just going to kill you mate that's how that's going to go because we're criminals we've killed people but

you're a scumbag I think if you were the west Darby dick remover i don't know if they go anywhere near you like yeah that cunt's mental he lost his gigs because of corona he couldn't play hot water and then they turned the internet off and he couldn't do his podcast with his boyfriend in chester and he just started roaming even though it was shut down just started chopping guys dicks off, really honestly

he's so woke, he wanted everyone to be gender neutral, alright oh so funny, the Dovey dickhead what a an understatement for a murderer what is he, he's a dickhead that's what you say when you fellas

like, stayed out too late with the lads he's a dickhead, what does he do you's what you say when you fellas like stayed out too late with the lads he's a dickhead what does he do you stay out for an extra pint no he killed me nan yeah it's a dickhead he is a dickhead it's very different that a dick remover you're like oh wow that was a big night um yeah it's been weird coming in this afternoon because uh we've it feels like we're on holiday feels like we're on fucking Euro camp. Did you ever do Euro? Oh, you didn't do Euro camp. Euro camp was dressed up as like a holiday abroad,

but it was essentially driving a bit further than the Lake District to go and like be cold in a campsite in Brittany or whatever we did in the north of France. But there was some memories of that where it was really nice weather with a paddling pool and like we've got that all set up outside. we've got a proper holiday resort oh amazing just a proper paddling pool that got off not like i always do with paddling pools last minute sorry you mean

you've bought one i thought you meant you used to go on holiday and the resort had a paddling pool if anyone listening remembers your road camp that you'd call it a pool i went to a few it was just one slightly up from a paddling pool you know like there's like communal pools and you're like wow that's an outdoor pool and then there's like a posh kids paddling pool and then there's your shitty paddling pool from b&m well every summer i've done shitty one from b&m forever i'm like last minute the first sign of a nice day i'm like let's go to B&M and waste 17 quid. It'll last two weeks. I won't take it in.

It'll pop. It'll go down. It's nothing sadder than a paddling program. Can't do it, Dan. Can't do it. I'm pissing out my sads. And this time, because of the corona, because I saw what was coming

while we were planning this shutdown, I was ordering fucking paddling pools on Amazon, and Amazon do not fuck about with paddling pools on amazon and amazon do not fuck about with paddling pools 30 quid it's epic oh it's so deep as well it was wonderful my uh my brother-in-law was messing around et was like come in come in and i saw the exact moment my brother-in-law's dick and balls went back up inside him it was phenomenal she's like she's like young and couldn't give a shit. She's like, yeah, I'm in it.

Oh, it's cold. And Sam was like, yay. And then the exact moment where he dipped his testes into the three degree fucking water, I saw him just become a little fucking aqua eunuch. Oh, it was amazing. I've not been in for that reason. Do you know what I've done today?

I opened all the blinds and the curtains in my bedroom, opened the windows to get a bit of breeze in, but I've told you the sun rises on that side of our house, so I've just been sat on my bed sunbathing. Ellie on waiting to do the pod, sunbathing in my bedroom. I mean, I haven't got a paddling pool, but I have been sweating a lot in my own fucking bed, so it's the next best thing. The fine paddling

pool, mate. I've got a bath. Yeah, it's going to be alright if the weather's like this for a fucking whole shutdown, isn't it? It's not going to be the worst. Have you got a little jardin for your anti-Semitic dog? Jade's mowed the lawn today as well, so that cool isn't it so i woke up jabe was mowing the lawn oh i dream of having a female mower fucking lawn for me it's a fucking sad dream does she do the bins as well no i have

to do the bins she's done the bins a couple of times, but it's pretty much my job, the bins. Yeah. Without wanting to sound like a sexist douchebag, it is pretty... It's very male-dominated, the bin logistics in it. Yeah. Sometimes, like...

That turned me on, though. Flora did it in lingerie. Sometimes I'll forget to put the bins like in lingerie sometimes I'll forget to put the bins out the night before and I'll like be in the shower and then I'll hear

that the bin men are there and I have to panic and run out with and obviously I've just got off the shower so I've just got me my top on my little willy hanging out

you've got to go hat, jacket, scarf necktie cufflinks dick and balls out and just run at them you got quite a lot of votes on that poll man that's the first one you've won yep didn't enjoy that didn't enjoy that you know why because

the size of the victory i felt like i'd been fucking catfished what do you mean i just i'd realize oh adam's mental he's just so mental hey you put your underpants on first. And 98.3% voted, yeah, you put your underpants on first because everything else makes you a fucking dick remover. An absolute West Derby dick remover. And I actually looked in the comments and one guy went, oh, fuck, I voted for the wrong thing accidentally. So some of that 1.7% was one guy fucking not concentrating. So the stats are even more in my favor.

It was a landslide to the extent of like, what do you think? Dan's right? Or do you think Adam's right? Do you put your undies on first? It was 98.7%. It was like, you know, when Vladimir Putin wins a presidential election and they're like, no, it when Vladimir Putin wins a presidential election. And they're like,

no, it's time for, it's time for, it's time for results from Russian election. Our glorious leader, Vladimir Putin, is 98.9%. 1.1% for sodomites. You know what I loved about it? Before, like, before the episode went out, I put

it up on Twitter as, like, one of us thinks this, one of us thinks that, and everyone thought you were the fucking weird one who was going to be putting his hat on first. That's the rep you've got. There was five overly aggressive, overly aggressive

like, Dave, Grandadad Dave you fucking weirdo because I have painted myself in a certain light on this podcast 26 episodes in we're recording 27 but you've also lent into it and the lid army who fucking followed this lid army

the lid army who've got behind this are like yeah Adam he is a fucking grandad. He's a right old bastard. They were dying for it to fit that narrative. And as I was watching all that happen, I was like, nice one, nice one. We'll see, we'll see. I'm editing the video right now, so we'll see who's a fucking...

If you've not gone on Adam's Twitter, if you're not on Twitter, you need to sign up to Twitter just to find the picture that Adam has put up of him fully clothed with an emoji over his fucking dick and balls it's great

it even made my wife lol and she overhears a lot of our podcast in the editing stage when she's trying to sleep and I'm editing the video and I was like have you seen the video from this morning she was like I've heard it six or seven times I was like alright she was like, have you seen the video from this morning? She was like, I've heard it six or seven times. I was like,

all right. She was like, yeah, it's just, and you can tell she's like, I'm just stupid. It's just stupid. He's stupid people.

I went, do you want to see, do you want to see this picture? And she lulled. She lulled. I think it's time for me to reveal that I'm just fucking around. I know. Yeah.

I felt catfished. I knew it. I knew it. I thought I was in love. I thought I was in love with a stripper called Destiny, and it's just a fat man called Jeff with really good broadband. That's how it feels. I knew this was happening. Listen, I'm all for a comedy podcast,

but I have been lied to here, sir, as have the electorate. I just thought if I could convince you and everyone else that I do that it's just funny to me it was funny to me I do put my boxing shoes on first though and then my undies

no you're doing it again I'm not going to have it I'm not having it I'm not having it no you're doing it again and i'm not i'm not gonna have it i'm not having it i'm not i'm not having it that you're in that you're doing it again no you're doing it again i won't be catfished twice falling in love with a guy called jeff once shame on you shame on twice shame on me no i'm not i'm not doing it fucking hell that even worse. The imagery that you're putting in my tenement. Just you in your socks and shoes. Like, really shit.

Carry more trainers from Sports Direct. White Schlesinger socks and then fuck all else on. Adam's going hiking. West Harbour's in total shutdown. I mean, it doesn't have to be, but Adam keeps walking around in the worst fucking get-up ever. Oh, Sports Direct. We saw Schlesinger douchebags.

You know, a couple of days ago, I think it was episode... Well, it would have been episode 25 when we did the story about me mate thinking I was dead. Yeah. In the tent. Well, I got... A mate of mine from childhood

got in touch with me because he's seen the video. So it was one of... The three lads that was in the tent with me. That's like Tom, Bernard and Adam, the other Adam. I don't really see or speak to any of them anymore. I just don't have time. We've sort of lost touch over the years.

Adam, Adam Clegg, mate of mine got in touch with me and he was like, oh, I can't believe you told that story. It's dead funny. And then we've sort of been back and forth reminiscing about the stupid things we did as a kid. And I've got one for you. This is funny, right? This does not paint me in a good light at all,

but it's worth it for... Because... Anyway, me and Adam used to share a paper round. So we were both the paper boy. We'd do it together. Oh, wow. And a paper round. why did you share it because we were just like we were really good mates we both used to make the fake dvds that

i told you about and yeah it was like a two-man operation in my head it was you being a young special adam like we've cycled together and we hold hands on our bmxs but actually one was carrying the fucking cheap speed and LSD, and the other was like, oh, yeah, I've got a bag full of fucking Gladiator, knock-off Gladiator DVDs. It sounds like it's really cute because we just wanted to do it together.

Someone had to carry the stock of illegally fucking downloaded DVDs. Here you are. Here's the fucking evening paper, and there's seven. Go on. But one year, it got to Christmas, and around Christmas, people don't pay

their bill for a few weeks and then they pay it all in one go just before Christmas and you get a big tip. So like, and we had to collect the paper money,

right? So we're looking at, it's normally like 120 quid a week. That's what we have to collect from people from paying for the paper because the paper arm

was massive. But it was about 600 quid so we come up with a plan between us to rob the money so we said what we'll do is we'll just go after we've got all the money in there we'll go to the field

and we'll just beat the fuck out of each other right so how old are you in these? Are you 13 in these stories? 11, 12, yeah. How have you not been to fucking prison, Adam? What 12-year-olds are like,

right, we'll kick the fuck out of each other and we'll steal this 600 quid and then we're off to Mexico. You're such a fucking deviant. No knives. So, we went to the field and we're just taking lumps out of each other

but it's not a fight, is it? We're taking turns. I'm like, right, go on, you punch me. Fucking lamp each other.

Right? And as we're beating the shit out of each other, this lad come past on a bike and pick the bag up that had all the money in it. So, he's now peddling off.

We're fucking bleeding from the nose, black eyes from the nose. Give us the money back. We obviously couldn't catch him. And we went home to our mums and dads. And it was like, someone's robbed the money. He's like, look at the state of your faces. I can't believe someone's beat his up.

And we were like, well, actually. Oh my God. You, did you twat each other and then own up to it? We were going to steal the money.

Then we twatted each other and then someone else stole the money. You'd literally beaten yourself into the best excuse ever. Like, uh, yeah, we got fucking twatted.

Didn't we, Adam? We got twatted by them. How many was it? It was eight, nine, just 24 big guys. Were they soldiers? excuse ever like uh yeah we got fucking twice didn't we adam we got twatted by them guy how many was it there was eight nine just 24 big guy were they soldiers yeah i think they were so i think they were ex-paramilitary yeah so we we beat the shit out of each other and then we didn't get the money and it turns out anyway as part of your contract of uh which your parents had to sign for you to do the paper round you're liable for the money.

So even if we had beat each other up and said it got robbed, we have to work it off. So the next year of the paper round, we were just meant to do for fucking free. Oh my God. Wow. Wow. That is an amazing story that sums up the stupidity of childhood,

but that is particularly fucking special. You kick the fuck out of each other, kick the fuck out of each other to put yourselves in 600 pounds of debt. What was that kid thinking like, Nick, if you fucking papers here? Oh my God, I've hit the fucking jackpot. I think he must have like known us we to this day we don't know who robbed it but he must have known we were like the paper boys and that we'd been

maybe he'd watched us collect the money or something because there's no way he'd try and just steal a bag full of the fucking echo we do surveillance on you clever bastard fucking binoculars he's been watching you since June hold hold we did something else one night as well me mum me mum had gone out for

a drink and she'd left us like 20 quid to order some pizzas like a takeaway and that but we'd give that money to Tony the Smackhead to get us some ale so we got drunk and we had nothing nothing to eat so we could have cooked something but we're young we didn't want to do that um i am 39 and i don't want to do that so we came up with a plan which was to uh to order a pizza delivery but when he got there say oh someone must have done this as a prank that That's not for us.

But we've got three quid. So we'll just give you the three quid if you want, instead of putting that pizza in the bin. So he turned up. It was this like Turkish guy, spoke like very broken English. And he's like, pizza? And we're like, yeah, yeah.

Sorry, mate. We haven't ordered that. And he was like, what do you mean? I was like, look, we've been having an argument with our mates in the street. Maybe they're pranking and sending pizzas to the house, but we didn't order that, mate. Sorry. And he was like, go to waste now. Food go to waste.

Not good. It's not funny. Don't do this ever again. And I was like, mate, we really didn't do it, I swear to God. But how much is the bill? And he was like, 18 pounds, 18 pounds of food going in the bin. And we were like, well, look,

we can give you three quid for it. And he goes, oh, I see. No, you tried to scam me. You tried to scam me and my family and my business. No, I'm calling the police. He rang the police. Me mum come over from a night out, she's like, what's going on?

And we were like, someone's prank called pizza. She was like, oh, have they really? And on your exact order, the pizza you like. Oh, shit. She was on to us straight away, so she paid for it. And then we had the pizza, but the next day she was fucking not happy with us at all. Just to track back,

can we hear your Turkishkish delivery guy again what do you want me to say not good not good you try to scam me and my family loved it not good 18 pounds of pizza going in the bin you'll scam me you'll scam my family i'm calling the police i'm calling the police do you know that i i'm not saying it is a good or bad Turkish impression Because honestly I can't get that specific But it sounds to me that you've just gone Generic foreign takeaway guy Takeaway guy

He's travelled He wasn't in Turkey his whole life He's been to Bolivia He's been to Bolivia he's been to the Philippines he's worked as a Klingon on Star Trek he's been to Australia he now

resides in Kensington in Liverpool and everyone else he works with is from all around the world so his accent is like a pan global accent and you can't verify that so i honestly love it when you do accents so much what is your specialist pizza order is it just out of interest um 12 inch meat feast where uh jalapenos added oh that's much meat as possible and some jalapenos on top jalapeno jalapeno jalapenos added oh that's as much meat as possible and some jalapenos on top jalapeno

jalapeno jalapeno that's one of my old bits one of my old bits of stand-up really old bits of stand-up my sister going i'm like it's called a jalapeno she's like well it's spelt jalapeno i'm gonna call it a jalapeno and i'm like, but that's not a fucking tortilla, is it? It's a tortilla. She's like, well, I say tortilla. It says tortilla. Well, what's that? Is that a faggita? She's like, fuck off.

What's your pizza order? At the moment, Domino's is the only one that will deliver to us apart from some very dodgy pan-global guys that don't make good pizza. And takeaway, why you try to rip off my family? It's bad. That is bad takeaway.

There's nothing worse than a dodgy takeaway because you're like, mate, this is, look how bad it looks in the box. How bad is it behind the counter? Until you're drunk and then that's the best shit on the fucking planet. Oh, mate.

You could butter cardboard. I'd be into it when i was pissed up um dominoes half and half not pepperoni passion because i think they put too much pepperoni on it i like half margarita let's just stop there's no such thing as too much pepperoni but carry on gets a bit greasy for my liking adam i have half margarita with pepperoni which is nice nice, and then half ham and pineapple. I then put some of my hot sauce on, and as we've discussed before, a little bit of mint yogurt

that I have for my curries. I use it for my pizza. Bit of black pepper. Mwah! And then also, chicken strippers with honey and mustard. I don't like the barbecue dip.

Honey and mustard dip. And then, now they do, I am a fat fuck, they do little cheesy roll balls. I don't know if you've tried them. They're like the little alternative to garlic bread and they are little fat rolled up dough balls.

They do that at hot water comedy clubs, restaurants as well. When hot water opens back up, the garlic dough balls from the restaurants upstairs. Shall we treat ourselves for the live show, for the thank you show? We'll treat ourselves just before we go on with some garlic dough balls. I'm the for the for the live show for the thank you show we'll treat ourselves just before we go on

with some garlic dough balls I'm so looking forward to that live show go on just go back to the accent thing we had an email a week or two ago which suggested

that me and you should have an accent off where we both have to try and do several of the same accent yeah I think we should try and do that on Saturday

when we've both had a bevy. Yeah. We have a bevy. So I reckon if you're listening to this, if you want us to try any particular accent, you can either tweet them to us or email us. Yeah. So suggest a load of accents.

We'll pick between five and ten of them. We'll both give them a go, and then you can all vote to see who's the best at doing accents. This is how we'll do it. We'll do ten, I'll choose five and you'll choose five. So you know you pick

the ones you can do and we'll see who wins. We'll keep score. Oh, I like it. But drunk on Saturday, that's when we'll do that. I might have my first beverage before the podcast on Saturday. Oh, I will as well. Oh Oh, I might have my first beverage before the podcast on Saturday.

Oh, I will as well. Oh, and then I might treat myself to that Domino's order. Oh, what day is it? Wednesday. Shit.

Although I got a message off Domino's going, we're on a skeleton staff at the moment. So you're going to, we've just reduced our fucking menu. And that's how, that's how privileged my shutdown is. I was like, Oh,

when will this virus end? I can't get the fucking specialist little garlic ball thing. It's the one like, I've lost me fucking nan, and you're like, I've lost me pepperoni passion. What do you mean? You're not doing stuff, crust. Oh, pathetic. That's a plan for Saturday then.

Right, accent off. As part of the lockdown lock-in oh the lockdown lock-in should I get our African intro lady to do as a it's the lockdown lock-in oh there he is one point for Adam

one point for Adam let's crack on with this audio presentation with video on YouTube on social media at Havawadpod you are listening to the funniest podcast in the game it's have a word with adam rowe and dan nightingale so we've had um we've had some correspondence have we claire who maverick that she is spells her name without an e at the end she's different she's an original

adam yeah a lot of clairs put an e on the end she doesn't she doesn't just so it looks like it's clara so hang on it's c-l-a-i-r yeah no bullshit no no it was an ad in error when her parents named her someone forgot to put the E on the birth certificate. Maybe they were a bit busy, and they were like, I'm writing this birth certificate out. And they were like, oh, just come and do this,

and she forgot to go back and put the fucking E on it. And they failed to mention that. They've stuck by it. That is pretty fucking lazy. You know, the immigrants coming into America, like on Ellis Island 100 odd years ago, when they got to ellis island the the customs officers if they if their name was too long if they were from like poland

and their name was like zimunich or whatever they were like yeah zimich and just shorten the names you can almost i mean it was racism but back then they were like i don't give a show it's 1910 and you want to get in this country we're not fucking around with the extra syllables your name's now Zimich what is your name Alexander it's out welcome to America they call you big L but missing

an E off of Claire like oh that's the name now we can't be bothered putting the E on that seems a bit much Claire I'm just listening to episode 15 of Have a Word, and I've had to pause it to send this in. The point when you're referring to one dead mum story you've had. The dead mum stories. Basically, me and Adam have both got dead mums,

and then Eshan Akbar, who is an absolute ledge, who got in a fucking spat with Piers Morgan on Twitter last night. If you leave if you leave comedians without the stage for long enough and with their smartphones they'll be like i need to start some shit just to feel alive it was so funny because he so the reason he went after peers peers morgan on yesterday's uh broadcast of good morning brit Britain basically sort of big immigrants who prop up the NHS and this is the first time he's ever done anything like that

he's a right wing political journalist isn't he so Eshan did a parody video saying basically the point of the video was he only likes immigrants when they're willing to fucking die for the NHS because there's a lot of NHS workers now dying from

coronavirus and Piers Morgan retweeted it and the amount of fucking people slagging him off in the comments, Brian McFadden from Westlife tweeted that and said I'm an immigrant too and you bring a disgrace to the name immigrant, I fucking hate you

he pissed West's life off mate it's Brian McFadden from the hugely successful successful pop group is he going around going well I'm an immigrant as well you know, us immigrants have got it difficult

we have to come over here and we have to work in like you know, late nights in supermarkets and we have to drive minicabs and we have to do world tours with westworld you know it's it's it's very difficult fucking bellend i i'm jealous though that he's managed to piss off westlife i oh westlife i call it westworld it's been a while i will no longer call the the shutdown a success until ronan keaton and the rest of Boyzo have fucking blocked me. Oh, should we just pick a random beef?

Oh, I want to pick a random beef. Do you know Sophie Anderson, the porn star? I'm going to go dick fuck. When she got involved with that tweet and you get that bit of interaction, you're like, it's really fun if they're like as soon as you're fucking with Piers Morgan

it's a bit more serious because it's Piers Morgan or whatever but Brian McFadden Ronan Keating Sophie Anderson you know they are celebrities but they're not

they're not getting pestered all day are they because everyone's basically forgotten about them who can we fuck with I'd really like I'm going to go for take that

but not Robbie O'Gerry one of the people who no one knows the name of. Take That's too big. We need to go, we need to think the league lower than Take That.

You know, like Bewitched, the girls from Bewitched. Five. Yes, man. Let's fuck with five. Get on up when you're down,

baby. Take a good look around. I know it's not much, but it's okay. We'll keep on moving on anyway. Who's in five? Get on, keep on moving. Who are the singers of five? Pop band five.

Who's in it? Right, the boy band 5 5 will make it down They are Sean Conlon Richie Neville and Scott They haven't got names, you've got the wrong article there They're called 5

because they all met at like a like a Brit school in America and they were called 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5 the way you paused as you were thinking up that bullshit really let you down there they all

adam's bullshit fucking omen was like oh shit running too slowly abs it's gotta be abs it's gotta be abs let's start some shit with abs what are we gonna do oh no i'm thinking about it we're gonna go any suggestions It's got to be abs. Let's start some shit with abs. What are we going to do?

I don't know. I'm thinking about it. Any suggestions of how we can fuck with abs? We'll do this when we're drunk on Saturday as well so we've got alcohol to blame. Yeah. I'd love it to be something about... Really sorry, I just have one too many Carlsberg special brews and I just go a bit mad. Abs, have you bummed a seagull?

Oh, have I ever told you what me and Carl did to Les Dennis? That's who I'm talking about. The Les Dennis's of the world. Have I never told you about this? Go on. So this is so fucking stupid. So me and Carl started tweeting Les Dennis saying that we knew he was a horse, right?

So we were suggesting that Les Dennis was actually born a horse, but he wears a human suit. I know that doesn't make even an ounce of sense whatsoever, but I started doing a little bit of material about it. I did the comedy store one night and the routine went really well. And there was 500 people from the comedy store tweeting Les Dennis

saying, we know you're a horse. Me and Carl rang his agent and asked, could we book him for someone's birthday party as like a private guest? And they were like, yeah, Les does do guest appearances. What sort of thing are you after? And we were like, well, we were hoping we could get like another celebrity involved and they

would both make up the two halves of a of a horse suit. They put the phone down on us and he ended up blocking every one of us and tweeting us saying this is disgusting. I'm not a horse. We got Les Dennis to vehemently

deny the fact that he was actually in a question. And then you've won. You've literally won. As soon as that tweet is received, you're like, we have won the game. I want abs or someone from, one of the girls from Bewitched to tweet us going, I'm not a seagull.

Seagull. If I could get abs from five to say seagulls aren't pedophiles in a tweet that's completed I've completed the internet do you reckon we

tweet him and ask what he believes I reckon we write an article and get it somewhere on the internet it's seagulls are pedophiles and we

get all of our fans to tweet him going what do you think of this article I don't know we'll have to don't by the way don't start tweeting abs yet

the lid army like you're not fucking't start tweeting abs yet the lid army like you don't fucking do it already abs who the fuck is that guy don't do it yet I want to hold

just hold like in gladiator like on one of Adam's knockoff DVDs from when he was a child hold hold did you

did you ever used to do like prank calls when you were a kid did you ever used to just ring random numbers and just wind them up? I rang 999 once as a child for about, I literally pressed 999.

I remember it on my mum's upstairs bedroom phone. And then as soon as I pressed the third nine, shit myself, I've never felt fear like it. Banged the phone down and then just sat there in fear for 20 minutes thinking the police were going to bust down the door and i was going to get cavity searched i was like oh my god i'm awful i'm fucking awful then i forgot about it an hour later two policemen turned up at the door they knocked on they went hi is your mom dad home and i was like no and i was like oh thank fuck for that but uh yeah um there's been a 999 call from this house

i was like oh i don't know what that was about that's like the worst 11 year old lie ever like really i wonder how that could have happened they actually went well can we check the phone he's like yeah i was like i literally i think i'm late before i did knock the phone off the receiver accidentally, and I actually said to two adult policemen, rather than child policemen, two fucking policemen, like, I think it might have, like, the receiver might have just knocked the number nine three times.

And he went, right, never, Miss Dial 999 ever again, and we'll be back later to speak to your parents. And they fucking didn't come back. Thank God my heart was going. What a little pussy hole. One, what a dick for ringing 999. But what a little shithouse I was. And that's basically as badass as my childhood got.

So no, I didn't have the balls to do fake calls. I was a little fucking wuss. Me and Carl used to do them all the fucking time. What we'd do is we would just dial a random number, so we'd do 0151, which is Liverpool's area code, and then there's a few different area, sub-area codes within Liverpool, so like 228

was one of them, and then there's four numbers at the end, and we'd just put four random numbers at the end, so 0151. Oh, there's a glitch. Oh, we've had a bloody glitch on oh adam check back we had a little glitch there oh boy okay uh it said uh you got to 0151228 so you just type in 0151228 and then pick four random numbers and nine times out of ten that would be a real number

and you'd get someone on the phone. So we did a variety of these, just winding people up, just being little cunts basically. So another one of them was actually horse based. This was so stupid. So we'd ring a number and go, excuse me, have you seen you know, do you know who Shergar is?

The horse that went missing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we'd go, sorry, they you seen, do you know who Shergar is? The horse that went missing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we'd go, sorry. They go, hello, it's Mike here. And we go, yeah, hiya, Mike. Have you seen Shergar? And he'd go, Shergar? The horse?

And then from the other side of the room, Carl would go, nay. And I'd go, never mind, he's here. On the phone now now how old were you older than this is acceptable for 24 my favourite one ever though was

did anyone lose the temper with it yeah we rang this woman and we rang this number and a woman answered and she's like here who's this? And I was like, I love ringing for a chat, just being dicks. And she goes, will you fuck off, please? Get off my phone line. I'm waiting for a very important

phone call. And I went, who from? And she went, Harvey's furniture store. I went, okay, no problem. Put the phone down. The fucking idiot. Waited one minute and then rang back

and was like, hi, this is Harvey Spinner. She's like, oh, thank God. I've been waiting for you all day. I was like, could you just confirm

your order number? And she goes through it. Like, yeah, right. We were worried about this. Your order, along with a lot of others, was in the warehouse ready to go,

but the warehouse has unfortunately caught fire. She was like no that's awful and i was like yeah we've lost quite a lot of stock to be honest with you the problem is we don't actually own the warehouse the warehouse is a third party we've actually completed our end of the contract by moving it from our store to the warehouse so you know the order you've put in, we've actually fulfilled our part of it. You've had your delivery, even though it never got to you. So all your stuff's been lost in a fire and you won't be receiving any of that stuff.

What? I can imagine you going, what do you mean? What the fuck do you mean? Like, look, we understand this is not ideal but there's literally literally like nearly a million pounds worth of stock being lost in this fire so i can't give a shit how much stock has been lost where's me fucking harvey's it would crumble our business if we were to refund everyone it's just not possible for us and we're not liable for the fire so you're gonna have to take that up

with the warehouse she was like what warehouse is it was like we can't actually release that information due to data protection. She's like, this is ridiculous. This is ridiculous. I just cannot, this cannot be happening. I'm like, look, we understand everyone we're calling is like this. We kept her on the phone for 15, 20 minutes and I'm just

hoping to this day, after we put it down, a real Harvard phone. Harvey's phone and she's ringing and going, hello, this is Harvey's. And she's going, you fucking dickheads. Give me me fucking stuff now. I want the number of the fucking warehouse. That's gone, love.

Don't worry about that. That warehouse is gone. That essentially, what you just described, is Ryanair's refund policy at the moment. Listen, we're Ryanair and we put the flights on and the bloody corona, that's not our fault. And I know you can fly because you're not allowed to go to the airport,

but fucking the flight, the plane's there. So you're not having any money. You can fuck off. I booked, just a shout out to a nice company. I booked flights to Japan via Finair which is the Finnish from Finland airline

and they give me a full refund for me Japan flights, so that's cool isn't it that's really good, how much for your flights to Japan how do Finair get involved in a flight to Japan I want to go from North West England to Japan ok, well if you don't mind going via Helsinki,

I've got the option for you. Well, that's exactly what it is. It goes, you fly from Manchester to Finland and then Finland to Japan. Yeah. How much was it?

About 900 quid. Fucking hell. That's a sweet refund. Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? You would get nine quid of that back from Ryanair now that I'm getting a refund I'm glad I'm not going

you know what I mean I'm like fuck I'm getting paid 900 quid to not go to Japan what a fucking bargain absolutely we were reading

an email there Adam what we were genuinely we'd started reading an email and we went fucking off on one

Claire Claire was listening do you remember that that was fucking episode 22 20 minutes ago when we tried to do one feature but turns out we're in bullshit mode i love it that you were like hi it's harvey's and she didn't go fuck off kids hi it's harvey's i'm sorry the order you put in that turns out that's a horse that order's now a horse i know you didn't order it but we've you know it's turned into a horse oh my god i can still remember those policemen at the front door oh and as they as they drove off i was like what are the fucking chances that i got away with that i actually got away with it. They never came back. Fucking little pussy all.

I don't have a dead mum story. However, I do have a dead grandad story. Let's bring this shit down. Oh, so Claire's got a dead grandad story. My grandad passed away in January this year, the day before we left the EU, which I think speaks volumes. Anyway, I know old people

were pissed off about Brexit, but they didn't cease to exist just on the fucking, oh, finally, we've got our country back. Yeah, my gran passed away in January this year. That brings a whole new definition to leave means leave. We're leaving Europe and I'm leaving the fucking

planet in a bit, kids. I want to remain alive. Anyway, my family went up to his home to start clearing it out. He lived in a warden-controlled bungalow due to his disability of only having one leg. Why is that funny?

I don't know. You're thinking of a pirate, Daniel, aren't you? You're thinking of a pirate. You are! I just think, when she's got a disability, you're like, aww.

When it's as comical as, he only had one leg, I find it, that's one of the more comical disabilities, isn't it? Peg leg. My mum only had one leg towards the end of... That's one of the more comical disabilities, isn't it? Peg leg. My mum only had one leg towards the end of her life. Oh, mate.

Fucking piss off. I'm going to only have one leg because you've pulled it off. Wow, that was the shittest dad joke, isn't it? Dan, I swear to God, my mum lost the bottom half of her leg to alcohol poisoning. I'm not messing. Jesus Christ. That's when you need to have a night off the booze, isn't it? When your leg to alcohol poisoning. I'm not messing. Jesus Christ. That's when you need to have a night off the

booze, innit? When your leg's dropped off. I'm drunk where you're literally legless. Oh. Fucking hell. Oh, that was bleak. The West Derby

foot thief. Smirnoff. Oh, God. Whilst clearing out, my sister's boyfriend tried on one of my grandad's suit jackets. I already like Claire and her family. My grandad had a disability. Don't worry, it was

one leg, so that's comical. And when we were clearing out his belongings, we all tried them on for a laugh. Do you know what I mean? Anyone want to try the prosthetic leg? Of course we do. Hey! While I was clearing out,

my sister's boyfriend tried on one of my grandad's suit jackets. He put his hand in the pocket and pulled out a tablet blister pack. Three of the four tablets were missing. It was then he realized it was a packet of Viagra. Oh, dirty granddad. They cleared the rest of the bedroom and also discovered a bottle of erection spray.

It does exactly what it says on the tin. You spray it on and it helps achieve an erection. However... Why does it need both? Because he liked to fucking party. He polished up his fucking wooden leg and then got his fucking dick polished up as well. However, according to the label,

the spray has to be used five days in advance to work. What? What? So if you want to wank on Saturday, you've got to put it on on Tuesday I love it how your head went to wanking what about one of the old dirty girls in the control bungalows Maureen

I tell you it's Tuesday I'm fucking coming for you Sunday that's how long it takes that's how long it took him on one leg to get to the other fucking bungalow to fuck Mildred. If I say

I spray it on Tuesday, I start fucking hopping over there. Mildred, the dirty old bitch, she's five days hop away. Oh, funny. Oh, fucking hell. As you can imagine, this gave us all a laugh at the expense of my poor recently deceased granddad we have so many questions especially as my nan his wife died six years ago yeah he left a book we had his funeral a few weeks later and i learned that my nan and granddad actually met in the famous cavern club in liverpool back in the 60s i hope none of my extended family hear this and if they do i'm sorry for spoiling

your memories of our granddad and obviously i've just signed up to patreon would love i have a word live show uh my husband and i saw adam at the frog and bucket last month and i've listened to the pod since then keep them coming from claire without an e. Oh, Claire, that is... That is funny. That is exactly what we want. When you're doing... I know it's dark, but the whole dead mum story, if that's the shit that it leads to,

dead relative stories, I'm all for it. Because the hangover stories were fine. The drunk stories were like, I got foggy waist and I'm sweating mad. You're like, yeah, it's good. It's good, fine. But there's something about finding a Rex in spray and your granddad's old clothes like i can't believe you only have

one like when my mom him when my mom lost their leg have you have you heard of phantom limb pain do you know what that is yeah you like you get an itch where your foot used to be yeah so do you know when you get like frustrated and you're so frustrated you can't really explain what you're going through because you're just wound up? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So, we were round to my mum's one day and I knew what phantom limb pain was

because I was 20-odd years of age by the time this happened to her. My little brother was still a teenager and he'd never heard of it. So, my mum is, like, really wound up and she goes, Jack goes, what's the matter, mum? And she goes goes me toes are fucking itching and he's like well itch them then she's like not those toes the toes that aren't there anymore and watching my brother's little teenage brain trying to decipher that he's like what you mean she's like me fucking left toes that it she was like we haven't got any left toes

anymore mom and jack's going to me is she she alright? She's going, fuck him. She thinks she's still got her toes. I just, I can't even explain it to him because I can't breathe from laughing. She's like, me fucking toes are fucking doing me head in. Me been itching all fucking day. He's like, well mum, they can't be itching you. What is it? Maybe if you itch the bottom of your stump that'll hit you.

I would love it if your little brother gave your mum an imaginary foot scratch. This is where it would have been. Just literally trying to, like, doing a foot rub. Oh, that's so depressing. Mum, is she all right? Mate, she drank her foot off. She's not great.

Christ. Jesus. Jesus, Adam. Let's have a word from our sponsors. I think it's time. Claireire that was a beautiful story if you have any comical stories about dead relatives we like a dark round here boy i think they're the funniest bits i think getting humor from dark shit like that that's the best that's the funniest shit in the world to me so yeah please keep them coming in any dead relative or even ill relative stories

knowing someone's having a fucking bad time but something funny happens, there's nothing funnier than when you get the giggles at a funeral when you're in church and something makes you laugh when we went to my grandad's funeral last year me and Jade couldn't like we had to really stifle a laugh because my grandad's sister

tripped on the altar on the way up to give her speech. And we were like, don't, just fucking don't, just don't fucking laugh. But you could tell everyone in the room was like, you're not allowed to laugh, it's a funeral, isn't it? But if she'd have face-planted, that would have been the funniest thing in the world.

And I'm sorry, that's just how it is. Yeah, as well, other podcasts and radio shows, they can do a lot of the... This is about that, isn't it? We're trying to do that. other podcasts and radio shows they can do like they can do a lot of the this that we're we're this is about that in it we're trying to do that we're trying to do what other comedy podcasts don't do i like the idea that people are sending in stories about like fucking relatives and dead people although it's going to get worse it's going to be like you know when you first watch porn you're like oh boobies like we are we're 27 episodes in can you imagine what it's going to get worse. It's going to be like, you know, when you first watch porn, you're like, Oh, boobies. Like we are,

we're 27 episodes in. Can you imagine what it's like at episode two 95? Oh, Jesus. It's just gone full circle. And I found Jesus. Uh, let's have a word from the Vauxhall comedy club.

Yeah, that's. Now then everyone, let's have a quick word about Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London town. Now, obviously, there is a fucking pandemic going on. No one's going comedy for a while. But as soon as they are, if you live anywhere near London, if you're down visiting in London and you fancy some stand-up,

some of the best comics in the world will be playing Vauxhall Comedy Club, which is surprise the fucking prize in Vauxhall. So basically the best comics in the world will be playing Vauxhall Comedy Club which is, surprise the fucking prize, in Vauxhall. So basically, they've helped the podcast out massively by sponsoring it in our time of need

and when we're out of the fucking bunker, when we do our first live tour of this podcast, the Have A Word show for London will be at the Vauxhall Comedy Club.

If you're down there and you fancy seeing some stand-up after the apocalypse, give Vauxhall Comedy Club a try. In the meantime, give them a follow on Instagram, at Vauxhall Comedy Club,

on Twitter, at Vauxhall Comedy, and on Facebook, they're just Vauxhall Comedy Club. Join the mailing list so they can tell you when they're reopening and what they're doing. It's voxhallcomedyclub.com. Adam's already played this room. I'm really looking forward to playing it. They do a bottomless booze ticket on a Friday and Saturday night.

You get 90 minutes of stand-up, excellent TV comedians, up-and-coming talent, and also bottomless beer and wine. There's a spirit and mixer ticket for 35 quid. There's just entry for 10. Be a good egg, give them a little follow, and we'll see you there after all this shit has blown over. Vauxhall Comedy Club, that's it. You are listening to the funniest

podcast in the game. It's Have a Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. It's time. Why have I started singing it? Sorry, go on. No, you can do it. It's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan saying there's all your problems that you

have with your friends. We will fix them loads and sort them out i forgot that there isn't a second verse who wrote that adam rowe adam rowe comedian podcaster one song right first song next song hello guys uh so it's the have a word section isn't it just this is the daily bit where we do the little thank you as well

and it's just thanks to everyone who's been listening to us we're doing really well in the charts at the minute as well if you haven't

already do us a favour if you listen especially if you listen on Apple podcasts go and leave us a five star review and leave us a

nice comment because if you're getting a lot of five star reviews it pushes you up the charts that would really help us if you wouldn't mind doing that even even if the review is five stars and then this podcast isn't about horses enough that'll be absolutely fine

any comment yeah as long as it's a five-star review my mum got bummed by a horse you can as long as it's five stars you can call it that video in me whatsapp groups that's how she lost a leg. She got it bummed off by a horse. Just, I want to say this, because a couple of times early on in the pod, we sort of were like, don't be leaving us a three-star review.

And a few of our fans have gone, I'm going to leave them a three-star because that'll be funny. That's a funny thing to do. I understand what you're trying to do, but it actually really negatively affects the chart position of the pod. Don't be a dick. Anything less than five, just go and fucking swivel.

Leave five or don't leave anything at all. You bellend. Yeah, cool. Yeah. Is that all okay? Just do the joke in the review. You can literally write whatever, like, Adam Rowe fingered a pigeon. That's absolutely fine

kills god we are closing in on being a 100 000 download podcast that will happen very very soon which is going to be very exciting in it and we did it without any fucking help because none of these fucking websites have helped us out by going hey these guys do well they're new and noteworthy we've built this up from the fucking ground. And you know what? It's a fucking sick podcast. Do you know what? We both deserve a pat on the back for this shit

because it's fucking good. It's sick in more ways than one, mate. I just said that your horse fucked your mum's foot off. That's how sick it is. It's helping people. There's people messaging us going it's getting them through the fucking

shutdown and shit and do you know what like if we only if we went down to doing like fucking 100 downloads an episode which you know would be a fucking devastating failure really numbers wise but if it's the 100 people that it's helping i don't give a shit the fact that people are fucking loving this and it's helping them out at all makes me feel amazing. I've never done anything. I've never done anything that's got the response that this podcast has got. Some people, they're just enjoying it

and we're having a laugh doing it. But some of the messages, and this is not us fishing for them. There's people, messages going, guys, you don't understand how shit this fucking lockdown feels. I've been isolating. I've not been well previously and I've got to self-isolate and it's just and this podcast is really helping i'm used to someone on a night out going oh for you really good you comedian honestly claire you've made claire's birthday that's the closest i've ever got to someone actually being grateful and then all of a sudden

you've got people going guys i really appreciate it so yeah thanks guys and uh you know oh that was a bit much wasn't it i just got a bit emotional no no do you know what i think people appreciate us being honest and about how much it means to us because it does mean a lot time for have a word yeah all right all right all right let's just fucking back we're back, we're back, we're back. So, first one. Yes, the lids. Me'd use to have a word with me bird because I know she listens to this, we both do. Please leave my name out as I want it to be a hint rather than just aim straight at her. But my girlfriend uses sex as a weapon during arguments.

So at the start of all this shit, she decided to self-isolate with me in me mars. However, even though I'm not a key or essential worker, I still have to go to work every day. She thinks this is somehow my fault and we have had several arguments over

why I need to work. Now for the past week, she's restricted me sexually to basic missionary. week she's restricted me sexually to basic missionary and the worst part is she has this evil eye contact she maintained during the basic missionary which is really putting me off

I'm 21 and I love freaky sex but until I somehow get my whole company to shut down it looks like I'll be stuck with shitty missionary sex. Nice one, Adam and Dave. Love the podcast. Hope you blow up. Have a word with her.

From Anonymous, sent from my iPhone. So there's a hint. He's got an iPhone. I love it. Like, can you, I just, I need to be furloughed because I want a bumfuck. I really, I just. Like, why do you need to be furloughed?

Please furlough me. I just want a finger in the bum or something. I'm a fucking missionary with a weird look in it. Boring! I just love the thought that, like, he thinks sex being used as a weapon means he still gets it, but it's just restricted. Imagine

if your girl, if Laura went to you and said, that's right, daniel you're being a dick and because of that every single night we're gonna have a sex but it's only gonna be missionary and i'm gonna look at you like oh what a nightmare getting laid every night kind of before we even get into that i love the the the really difficult diplomatic position you put in when you're like oh my god there's a shutdown babe right i've thought about it and i want to come and do the shutdown with you and your mom like uh right just give me two minutes i'm just gonna speak to my mom how much pasta did you get in not enough for that fat bitch bitch. Shut up, mum. You're on speaker.

That's not... God, that's a tricky one. Because you might really like your partner, but not like lockdown like her. It's a big jump in it. How long have you been seeing each other? We've been seeing each other two months. Things are going really well. Should I do a lockdown with you?

Fuck off. I got to be honest with you. If I wasn't already living with jade before the lockdown she wouldn't have been fucking invited i'm telling you that right now well it's a lot of pressure isn't it i mean that's you know if you're not if you're not sure about your partner and things are going okay you've basically got decided like right are we not going to see each other for three months are we going to see each other way too fucking much the best thing for, are we not going to see each other for three months or are we going to see each other way too fucking much? The best thing for the relationship

would to be not see each other for three months. Say this shutdown's three months. I know we're pontificating. I know we don't know. Way better if you're unsure to not see each other because I think by the time you see each other, you'll have been messaging and you'll have built up some excitement.

And you can have a little Snapchat wink with it. Yeah, Snapchat wink, brilliant. Yeah, put a filter on your dick. Put a filter on your dick. Give it dog ears and a tongue. With a little wet nose. Yeah, but oh my God, if you're not sure about someone, three days in you could be fucking ready for the mordos.

But then she's like using sex as a weapon. She only lets me do missionary. She know how. What do you think though? This guy does not want to get married long term. 21, he's like, it's a nightmare. Just one position. Fucking hell.

An eye contact. What do you think about him having to go to work though, despite not being an essential worker? That sounds a bit fucking wrong, doesn't it? Who's he working for, this guy? Why are they not taking this shit seriously? They're going to kill their nans. Don't kill your nan.

That's an official policy of the Have A Word podcast. Do not kill your nan. Yeah, but it's weird what's an essential worker, isn't it? Because my mate works at fucking, like, Waitrose in a warehouse, and you think, oh, he's not essential work. And he's like, absolutely. Of course he's essential. We need food.

Before we start going off on one, I'm like, who's at this fucking company? We don't know. I mean, who needs pharmaceuticals in it? Oh, yeah, yeah, fuck, no, we do need pharmaceuticals, actually. Fuck. That's what I'm saying. What a nightmare this woman is.

Come on, Adam adam never mind the company who the fuck is this who are you for who are you furloughing who are you shut down with that's like no right that's it don't bend me over until you get at least four days off a week you are not doing me doggie if she is that fucking manipulative and you're 21 just literally project that long term listen to me child i'm an old man now let old papa dan tell you never married the crazy bitches oh yeah they're fun they're fucking good they look eye contact angry oh god they let you do things that you didn't know you wanted to do and then you masturbate about for four years after you break up but don't marry those bitches.

They're going to make your life a fucking emotional rollercoaster and everyone going to hate you when you're like, I don't know what's gone wrong. You know what went wrong? You married a fucking psycho, dickface. Don't marry her.

Get through the shutdown. Get through the shutdown and fuck it off. Is that what you're saying? She's like, if you want a jizz in my mouth, you're going to have to put a ring on it. Don't do it.

I don't even, I believe that women are that mental as well. Like, I want to go to Euro Disney. Do you want a lesbian threesome? How freaky is it? 21 as well. Good on you,

fella. How open was that? Like, I'm 21. I'm in some freaky sex.? 21 as well. Good on you, fella. How open was that? Like, I'm 21. I'm in some freaky sex. Yeah, but like... When I was 21, I just wanted vaginal penetration.

I think she's right, lad. What? She's still getting sex. Oh, here we go. But she gets to just lie there because it's missionary. She gets to just be like, I'm just getting to orgasm. Right?

But she's doing her bit. He should be going to his company and going, we're not creating essential workers. Shut it down. The government will help you out. They'll give you 80% of our wages. That's all we need. Fucking fail on us.

Come on. She's doing her bit for the COVID-19 team. He's being a knobhead. Right. he's still getting sex every day the fucking whining prick oh i love it when you just go what what position is dan taking well let me take the opposite i put my underpants on my ears first is that weird i think this girl is a fucking hero well if you can think she's a hero all you want i'm telling you mate lad do not marry her she's's a fucking nutcase. And if she's

listening to this going, right, I cannot believe you emailed these fucking idiots, right? And that fucking old bastard Dave, right? He's the fucking disgusting. And Abs from Five has never bummed a pigeon and that's disgusting to even five and make you get down. That's

awful. Why would you say that? And he rang 999 as a child, the little bastard. Someone could have died that day because of that little shit it's disgusting and if you keep listening to this podcast i'm not going to give you a blow job mate i'm telling you she's got that level of psycho in it to be like if you listen to anything but the fucking guardian football podcast i am literally shutting down the puss she's mental she'd be great i bet she's great at sex as well i just i didn't interfere there i wanted you to just say say your piece and i reckon we close the pod with that that's what dan thinks and uh crazy ones are always good at sex aren't they they are so good just the best fun most

mental sex like you want to do this to me like oh'm like, oh God, not really, but yeah, I do. No, I'm enjoying it. And then they make your fucking normal life. It's like mental fun for 5% of your life. And the rest of it is like, where have you been? You're like, the kitchen. You can see me. It's open plan. Stop drinking coffee, you

fucking lunatic. Mental. So crazy. I was with one of those nutcases for two years. I feel like you're picturing one accent. Oh yeah, I know exactly who she was.. So crazy. I was with one of those nutcases for two years. I feel like you're picturing one ex-emphasiser. Oh, yeah, I know exactly who she was. Fucking batshit. She was brilliant. And basically...

Of course you are. Fucking lunatic. Daniel Nightingale. I think we've done a podcast, mate. Shall we call it a pod? Probably. I think so it's so weird for me to be the aggressive one right at the end like yeah and i enjoyed it that's why i've just left you to it i haven't really said any i don't know whether you noticed but i just stopped talking about three

minutes ago god almighty have you had a wank I'm going to masturbate thinking about my wife doing the bins. When you said that Jade has done the bins, even once or twice, my wife would go all the way through the house to leave like an empty can near my bedroom door. Like, babe, I don't know what to do with this. Where does this go? Just imagine it goes on your bed.

There you go. Pop it next to your desk. Oh, your podcast studio. I'm just an empty can of Diet Coke there. I don't know what happens with them. You just do that. Oh, it would turn me on so much like, babe, you know what I'm doing for you tonight? What, babe? Putting the black

bin out. You dirty bitch. I need to have a wank, don't I? I think we need to go because Dan is going to come in his pants any second. I fucking can't take any fucking more all right so i'm coming would you like a song daniel would you like to know what song i've been really trying if i had some of that erection spray i think about five days ago

i used to rex in like, sorry, go on. Today's song comes from Keese the Artist. I assume that's how I pronounce it. It's K-E-A-S-E, the artist. Born Marquise Joshua Woods of Pine Bluff, Arkansas. He's a southern concept of musician and visionary, a versatile rapper, singer, songwriter, producer, an overall natural curator and creative of fashion and art. His full-length project, Sky High, is out now.

You can find him on SoundCloud at soundcloud.com slash keese-the-artist. You can find him on Facebook, facebook.com slash onekeese. You can find him on Instagram, instagram.com slash one keith you can find him on instagram instagram.com slash one keith this is his song let's fall in love featuring shima moshadai pine bluff arkansas that was the coolest my name's keith i'm a curator i'm a fucking artist. I do all sorts of shit. My guest in this Shima. Where are you from? Pam, love Arkansas. That's what his email said. The song is called Let's Fall in Love

and it's featuring Shima Morichai or Morichai, something like that. Anyway. Nailed it there, mate. Nailed it at the end. Shima shalabalabalabala shima foreign name shima turkish delivery guy you guys are a bit disgusting oh right see you tomorrow see you tomorrow

bye Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man

I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man

I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man I'ma be your man, I'ma be your man Follow me tonight, all I need is life Hold on to me tight, you may be awake Looking like the type to meet, come meet me in the sky Pull up to get in the wheel, we pursuing other shit Through your dance, through your dance, bet your daddy a clip Your ass looking so beautiful, it's lookin' like you stuck with me Synchro, I'm kissin' The plot, when I'm whippin' Thick, grown, and pretty

Girl, all I'm missin' Head to the pen Now your spirit in my composition Rippin' it up The present past, the intermission Shout it with you, I done cried away Think I fell in love, I feel afraid Shout it, are you in or are you not?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Every day I wake, I think about you, think about you I just thought that I should let you know It ain't no other way to go around it, baby I haven't found a way to let you go Fuck all that talking tough, shawty Let's fall in love, yeah, hey, yeah I know your life been rough, shawty Let's fall in love, yeah, let's fall in love, let's fall in love

I need you to want me for me Love from you all that I need Your kiss is my chance to breathe I hope you don't never leave When I pull up, you hop in the wheel Me and Shadi stackin' chips, I'm chillin' You so fine, you so fine I can surely use your mind and your heart around me at all times I'ma make you mine, I'm a grown man Missin' to lose the answer, youth, I wanna hold hands

And romantically slow dance Sweep you off of your toes and fuck your soul Until you don't stand up, leaving in the morning With my heart on the nightstand I gotta wait, I think I've fallen in love I feel afraid, I need to study how you in and out Every day I wake, I think about you I just thought that I should let you know

It ain't no other way to go around it, baby I haven't found a way to let you go Fuck out and talk your talk, shawty Let's fall in love I know your life been rough, shawty Let's fall in love, yeah, yeah, yeah I know your life been rough, shawty Let's fall in love, let's fall in love Let's fall, let's fall, yeah