Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #299 with Tiff Stevenson - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: October 20, 2024

Zoe's Place Fund: https://www.justgiving.com/campaign/zoesplaceliverpool-newhomeTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comFinn's Liverpool Gig: skiddle.com/e/39298815As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Support our cycle across India for Zoe's Place:https://cycle4zoes.enthuse.com/pf/finnlay-kulavuzGet subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids before we start this week's episode of the Have A Weird Podcast do us a favour and make sure you're following us on all social media we are at Have A Weird Pod on Twitter, Instagram and TikTok and on top of that don't forget to go and subscribe to the Patreon page patreon.com slash Have A Weird Pod early access to these episodes an extra episode just for you lot every single week on Patreon. And don't forget those monthly specials of which there are 40 plus now. They're basically a movie every single month. Patreon.com slash have a weird pod. Enjoy the episode. It's a belter.

Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn, this is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Episode 299 of the Have A Word podcast, is that right?

The big one next week. Whoa. Oh, the big one., big one. Big one. Extravaganza. Guest is TBC. Have we got any plans for that? Is there anything? Yeah.

Just between you and me. We're going to do a podcast. In here? In here. In here. And talk about our dicks and boobs and stuff. By the way, those people who message us every week on the podcast, they're quiet. They're going mental right now.

Because we're whispering. If it's a Spotify thing, just check the settings. We've done a post on it. I'm waiting. those people who message us every week on the podcast, they're quiet, they're going mental right now. Cause we're whispering. If it's a Spotify thing, just check the settings. We've done a post on it, haven't we? We'll do another one. It's not ours. Also just get another fucking podcasting app. Anyway, welcome to 299.

I feel fucking great, mate. Why? Flying. Genuinely, I had some sneak this morning. I'm not like, it's not an ad, it is. But I've slept dead well because I went on a big old bike ride. My massive bike ride up to West Kirby,

then having a hickory's, two beers, and then cycle back. Becoming a big fan of that. But I slept badly on Monday because Laura was away. Her sister-in-law went in for emergency surgery. She's fine, but Laura's really good at going, shit, one of my sisters needs me, I'm there. She's great at that, which meant that I had the kids all Monday night, and my son, God bless him, doesn't like to sleep on his own.

So I put him in his bed, night-night, seven o'clock, closed the door, and I was... Seven o'clock? What'd you expect? I'd be the door. And I was- Seven o'clock, what'd you expect? He's happy to see. Coordination just hasn't even started. Do I let him get last orders at the pub? He's fucking three. He's a fucking toddler.

Me, the 40 has nearly kicked off. By what standards is it early? Champions League hasn't started. Irmondale's just starting. And he was like, daddy, the champion- He's never heard the name Zach Dingle. I was like, it's an international week, shut the fuck up, have your milk.

Daddy, daddy, I want to watch Wales play fucking nobody. And he scouts, that's how... I wouldn't be going to sleep at seven either, I thought you'd agree. No, because you're a fucking 32 year old man, Carl. Also, if you're ever around at my house and I give you milk and pop you in a bed and go, night night Carl.

You've got... Nate, I would be having a cock out, go for it. That sounds unbelievable. Bed and milk. I'm sorry, what is just happening? If I put my three year old son to bed at seven o'clock, you're like, that's fucking mad. What if I do it to you Carl?

Yeah, sounds great. Yeah, cause I've got a good phone. I love that bit of milk. The Xbox. Yeah, I give him the Xbox. I give him a phone. He's trading Bitcoin. You know, what the fuck do you want? Anyway, at 10 o'clock I hear his door open just as I'm sort of trying to

get to sleep. And he just, he just, instead of Laura's bed, he just goes to Laura's bed, but he knew that she was away. So he came in and got in my bed and he had to be like, night, night, just sleep there. And he's just, he just, Daddy, why does the quilt stick to you in here. It's so slimy. And he just has to sleep with like, he just has to sleep with like one arm on you. Like at one point, I'm not even messing around. I was getting asleep and he just went, because we don't touch because only freaks touch when you sleep. Yeah. We just have a foot touching a foot or like my arm on her ass or something. Mate, listen, if I was sleeping next to Sarah Kerr, I'd have a hand on her ass, do you know

what I mean? That's all good. But when you're getting fucking booted in the ribs by a three-year-old child in the night, bad night's sleep that, isn't it? I've got a question for you. Go. At what age would you tell him he can't come in? 26. No, but genuinely, so at 25, it's fine. What age would you tell him he can't come in? 26. 26. No, but genuine, so 25, it's fine.

He can rent a HGV, but you're not, but you're still letting him sleep in your room. Fucking hell, dad. Bad night, big day's work on the HGV. Come here, let me put my hand on your forehead. Late night. Also, my wife and two kids are coming in as well. All right, everyone, up here.

Surely it's like, I don't know, how old is he now? Three, four? night. Also my wife and two kids are coming in as well. All right, everyone up here. Surely it's like, I don't know. How old is he now? Three, four, every night before bed goes, mommy, can I sleep with you? And she goes, no, etter, go and sleep in your own room. And then she goes, daddy, can I sleep with you? I'm like, fuck off. Also so obvious that she's going for like, listen, mom's the headliner, I'll go for the support right next. No, I'd love, I really think everyone being like, literally even my wife, everyone in their own bed is the formation I want.

It's a one, one, one, one, four times. Great, it works really well. Could everyone just stay in the fucking room? At three, you can't, when he's half asleep and he's coming in with his lotso that Julia gave him, you can't be like, lad, fuck off. I get that. Get an HGV license and get a full age. How old are you now?

Three and a half. He's three and a half. So if in a year's time, if he came in like he did last night or the other night. He's still in. A year later? I'm getting annoyed. A year later? Now I'm fucked off. You've been fucked, you know? A year later, I'm getting annoyed. Still here later.

Now I'm fucked off. You've been fucking unit a year later. He's in seven and a half. He's in juniors. Yeah. You can't be getting in the better juniors. Is that what it is? Is it different if it's your daughter as well?

Cause that is such a fucking legend and she's a cuddly girl and everything. If she's ill or bets are off, She needs to, it's different, but she is getting a hard line now. I think I might even be harder at Jack when he's like nearly eight. Yeah. Cause he's a lad and he's like lad fuck it. Yeah. Come on man. Yeah. Also they've got great little bedrooms. What if he starts screaming? That's different, but talk me through it. What if he says like, let me sleep in here or I'll tell mummy you punched me. Wow. Punched?

Tell you what, that HGV license has made him an evil little cunt, hasn't it? I'll tell everyone. Yeah, he's not like his teddy and he's like, if you don't let me sleep in here I'm gonna tell mummy that you punched me. He's a mad kid, isn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be like, you are evil. I will bang my eye on that TV. That TV? And tell mummy you've been. I will bang my eye on that TV. That TV?

And tell mum you've been hit. There's no TVs upstairs. The one that Uncle Carl bought me. I'd set a camera up and sting him. He'll be like, if you don't let me sleep in the bed, I'll throw myself down the stairs and say it wasn't an accident. Yeah, you can do what you want then. You can have the car keys.

But then you let him... You're giving in to your kids, aren't you? Yes. If there's psychotic blackmailing weirdos. Yeah. Yeah. But I might have to have a conversation with Loz. Like, by the way, what's he watching on the iPad?

What if she doesn't believe you? What if she's like, oh, right, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, me and Loz are fucking... We're a team. We're on the same. We're literally like, if he came to you and was like, mommy's just punched me down the stairs. Would you not believe him?

Well, if he came to you and was like, like, let's say he's doing it to Laura. Mommy's just punched me down the stairs. Big punch there. And a scout's accent. Lad, dad, dad, lad. Just fucking karate chop me down the fucking stairs lad. Absolute nightmare. No I wouldn't, no I don't.

Cause I think he might be lying rather than my wife. What if as you went to Laura to double check, she's like wrapping her hands and they were bleeding. Yeah she was like, wow. And she was like, oh I've just been boxing. On the landing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jack her in the way. Do you know, I would start to have some suspicions and I'd also think,

oh, you've got to cover your tracks better than that. She's like... Just shadow boxing. One punch. Oh my God. What? She's a nightmare at altitude. That little cunt did nine.

Oh, oh, oh, sorry. If I got to the top of the stairs, so he's falling down the stairs like, ah, the bitch punched me, right? And then I go upstairs and she says, I just punched that little fucker down the stairs. I think I'd start thinking she might've done it. Yeah, you're right.

So you can't trust anyone? Oh, you can't trust anyone. Very important to have your missus, your partner, you've got to be on the same, simpatico. What happens if you go to bed and Jack's already in it? He's like, lad, behave. Yeah. What?

Get in my bed. If I go upstairs, say he goes, oh, I want my milk and it's bedtime. And I go down and make the milk. Just take your top off. And then yeah, and I have breastfeed. Ha. You get, you know, and then Jack's like,

lad, what are you doing? I mask on and piss off. I will fucking pick him up and throw him in his room. What if he just goes like stiff like that? And then he goes, if you move me, I'll poo. That's a, that's like a dead man's switch. That's a good move. Yeah it is a worry if he says something like that. I've got no pants on and I will shit. But yeah, I think you're overestimating the capabilities.

And then you leave and he goes, yeah. Like, dad, if you move me, I'll tweet about Gaza. I'm not even messing. I will shut up and fuck on Twitter. No, yeah, there's things that would concern me. But again, I think you're overestimating is like evil capabilities Anyway Can't wait to you guys have kids. It's gonna be so good. I'll be hardline got your own bed What wall are you how you come around at Christmas? That's gonna be really nice. You can be there. Oh

Yeah, he's he's out. He's got some lorry driving to do You can you can put a five earth up to five year old to bed at half eight. So you're robbing him of an hour and a half. That's disgusting. Three to five years old, half eight. Half eight's annoying though, isn't it? Because if he ends up being like a fucking atletico fan or whatever, he's going to miss the end of the first half. Yeah. You want to know how many cards have been given?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got an Acheron, first half yellows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you want to watch on... What do you want to watch on TV, Jack? Do you want to watch Paul Patrol or Bluey? No, Athletico. In the Copa del Rey.

Shimi Oni's Athletico. In the Copa del Rey. I watch them in all comps. Under 21s as well. The fuck are you on about? It's sometimes, it's half seven, eight. Like it's not... I'm not hardline seven bells. Everyone's got to be unconscious. Etta needs to be in bed at our fate. Otherwise

she'll be wired at nine 30. They also get the fucking zoomies. She has a bag of beans. That's it. The Lemo man turns up at nine. Like the Sandman. We've asked him not to ring the doorbell. Isn't it mad when you let kids stay up to get less tired? Oh, there is, the witching hour is unbelievable. That happens to me though. Like sometimes I'm knackered at half eight and I go, oh, I can't go to sleep now, I'll be up at four.

And then like an hour and a half later, I could literally start my day again. It's mad. It does me head in. I was talking to Jamie Webster the other day, he told me I should have cannabis oil. That's what we do, give the kids. We just let them smoke a spliff. Daddy, daddy I've got the zoomies. I have a bit of fucking zooties meat. I can't sleep without a spliff dad, you know that. Yeah, we call it the boggots. That's thin, isn't it?

They just get wild. It's kind of fun, but when you're in soul control and you need them to go to bed, it is kind of fun to just sort of watch them wind each other up and go mental. But yeah, maybe cannabis oil's the way. I don't know what the legalities have given her. What's cannabis oil?

Well, that's a really silly question. Ah, it's the oil of cannabis. No, but like- CBD. CBD, yeah. Without the HT without the HTC you can get it with THC HTC is an Android phone you gonna start doing that you're getting on the partner no I think I'm just gonna try and change your ways a bit it's a new dawn it's a new day it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life, ADHD and I'm feeling good. I'm trying to improve myself gradually. I'm making baby steps, you know. I better watch out for my wife. I drink well more water than I did a couple of years ago. Yeah, you're not bad for drinking crap. You're a coffeesman. Absolute coffeesman.

Coffee fella. But if you're not drinking coffee, it's rarely you go for something else. It's basically coffee or water. Last few years, isn't it? You'll have a Rio occasionally. I have like one fizzy drink a day. As a treat. Yeah.

But I do drink a lot. I make an effort to drink more water now. I was hungover after the roast and trep myself to a cherry cola. Cherry Coca Cola. Tret? Tret myself. Is that a thing? Treated myself.

Tret myself. Tret myself. Never heard that before. Full fat cherry coke, yeah. Like I'll have one of them a month, feels like. There's an idea. Give one of them to Jack and Etta like 6 p.m. they go sleep then or and a bag of skittles as well. It's the opposite Colin. It's the opposite. Are you talking sugar-free fizzy drink mainly? It depends if I'm hungover

sugar in it. I don't know why but I need it. I genuinely feel like every time I have a full fat coke I'm just rotting my teeth. Yeah it's like soup. Sugar soup I call it. I've got that one in. It's like soup, I love it. Croutons in Coca Cola. I love a full fat coke on holiday. You don't strike me as a soupsman. Well you're right. Suspicious liquid.

But it's just veg in it, you like veg. Oh I love veg, can't get enough. You know when I say I've had a yum yum, I just mean I've had some veg. Roasted, boiled. Do you not eat veg at all? I am Dan Nightingale, we've been doing a podcast for a while. I'll have a tomato and cucumber salad sometimes when I'm trying to be good. But I usually eat that next to something that's bad for me. Do you like ketchup? Er, kind of.

Do you like salsa? Yeah, alright. Not the dancin', the sauce. Both. Yeah. Both at the same time. So do you like tomato soup? Tomato soup feels like a cold version of what's on a pizza with not the good stuff.

Why is tomato soup? Are you just eating tomato soup out of the tin? You just need a Spain. That's gazpacho. That's just gazpacho. That's Spanish for sure. Make up words. You have cold, what? It's hot, isn't it? Oh yeah. Oh, couldn't they have it any better? Why not just have buttery bread though? Which is good. Because you dip it in the wet. Yeah.

That's what it's for? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just like the bread bit. The driest scrams ever. So you don't just catch fire. What soup did we do on Dan vs Food? Was it a tomato soup, that one? We did a few, didn't we? We did tomato, we did mushroom.

Oh yeah, we did it in shot glasses, which felt fucking insane. Yeah, have a shot of Gestapo. What is it? Gaspacho. Oh yeah, I remember that one now. That wasn't very good, was it? Right, I've got the top 20 veg. Which ones do you eat?

Okay. Yes or no? Yeah, cool. Go. Carrot. I can, but I think I'm allergic to it. What are you talking about? You can't be allergic to vegetables.

Go on. Potato. In nearly all of its forms. Don't like mash. Listen. You're allergic. Put it in a barge and I will eat it and fart like a trooper. A mash barge?

It tastes so bargy. Onion. He just said onion. Look, if we're gonna be nobbers, you've gotta be listening. Go on. Tomato. Yeah.

Cucumber. Yeah. Bell pepper. What? Peppers. Peppers. Sounds like a dick, doesn't it? Look at your bell pepper, lad. What's a bell pepper? It's a pepper. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll have a pepper.

Not like ideally on a pizza, but yeah. Spinach. Unding. No. Indian spinach. Spinach is nice, is it? Yeah. What, a big bag of spinach?

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. It's not some crisps. Nah, I love spinach. Shut up. Nice spinach with some garlic sauce. You. Some crisps. Nah, I love spinach. Shut up. You're pretending they both exist. It's just earth. Spinach and some nice garlic sauce. You're eating a plant.

Shit, there's Popeye ever. Fuck off. Popeye, go on. Broccoli. Shut up. Broccoli is the heaviest gear. You never had like a chilli and garlic broccoli? Well, now you're making it sound better.

Tendersteam broccoli is so heavy. Oh yeah, tendersteam, gazpacho. Goes cold in four seconds. That's fucking learning. Cauliflower. Shut up. Lettuce. I mean, I can, but I mean. Lettuce is just water, that's what I have. Yeah. It's green, crispy water. No one's even asked, he's there. Zucchini. Great first album. What, um, who? What is it? You said that. Oh, I thought it was. It's eggplant. Yeah. Again? Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Green beans? Nope. Peas? Nah. Cabbage?

No. Eggplant? Just an aubergine. Radish? No. Sweet potato. Yeah. Celery. I mean, I will, but again, it's like lettuce in it. Who gives a fuck? Bit of salt, though. Kale. Shut up. Asparagus. What?

Makes you piss stink. Stinks piss. No, it doesn't stink of piss. It makes you piss stink. I bet it does. I bet it does stink of piss, though. Asparagus stinks of piss. Someone's pissed on you, the asparagus.

Ah, that's what I've been doing wrong with veg. Laura's been pissing on it. You know, unusual prep. But that's what she loves. You're a good guy, aren't you? Yeah, but on a good day I'd like to be seen as a bit of a character. But I'd suggest that some days, you know, people find it annoying. It's a fine balance to get right. You eat all fruits. Yep. Oh, fruit is just dessert, innit? You can't not like fruit. people find it annoying. It's a fine balance to get right. You eat all fruits. Yep. Oh, fruit is just dessert, innit?

You can't not like fruit. Oh, it's the pudding of, it's Mother Nature's pudding. Yeah, it is. What's your favorite fruit, Dan? I love, there's not many fruits I don't like. Genuinely. That feels like a lot. I've kissed loads of fruit.

I honestly, I actually think if you treat yourself right, a really nice punitive strawberries is a, is a beautiful thing. Hacker's fuck that mate. You don't even know what a fruit is. I like strawberries. Oh, what do you want me to say? Oh, the for Joe which fruit of New Zealand. Sorry for being hack. I like raspberries. I like raspberries. You do I like raspberries. You do taste like raspberries. They're really nice. It tastes like rugs though, don't they? They've got a little bit of a furry ball thing on the Monday. Really, you didn't see raspberries?

He tastes like a rug, I think. I like them. A girl once told me that a raspberry is what a bellend feels like. It's a lick. Yeah. What? To lick. Have you got hairs on your bellend?

I have. I've got a few on the shaft. I have to know on your bellend. No, I mean, there's like the texture. You can't have a hairy bellend. I can see that. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how true it is. That's how he sees it. For the audio listeners. That was awful. Let me just think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like the Bellens athlete. Like a Kiwi me. Love a Kiwi. That's not hack.

Danny Macca fruit over there. Very alternative. Kiwis are lovely, they're sharp. Yeah, no, but there's a fucking skin that you need off, eh? Apparently you're meant to eat it with the skin on. Yeah, but you have to be an absolute fucking lizard. Yeah, I'm not doing that. You ever had a pomegranate, Dan?

Yeah, like pomegranate, all good. It's exciting. You get to dig for the good stuff Split a pomegranate and go fucking. Oh, I I'm lazy with my pomegranate eating I just get like a pun of pomegranate. It's it's I mean, mmm passion fruit Yeah Passion fruits are fucking sneaky. What I think it's bo bogies in it. It is sweet bogies. It's fruity spicy bogies. Good though. What? I'm not into it. I think we've all been huddled by the passion fruit industry. Because it's called passion fruit. Yeah.

And it's in a palm star market. Why is it called passion fruit? Can we get um... Stop putting that. Is it etymology? Is it names of things by the way? Shagafruit. Give us some other examples, Karl. Passion fruit gets its name from the passion flower, which is part of the plant that produces the fruit. It refers to the passion of the Christ. What? The various parts.

Mel Gibson discovered it. That is misleading, isn't it? AR girl, have a J2O, passion fruit will be shagging all night. Flowers filaments represent the crown of thorns and the five petals and sepals symbolise the apostles. And that's why Christians shouldn't name fruit. What? Which race should?

Religion? Race? Race. Which race? Hindu fruit? Hindu fruit it'd be good. good yeah i'm fucking starving i love it when we get a roll on early but it's terrible when we start talking about food i just get the fucking hunger on i got into town nice and early today got here at quarter nine and took myself for breakfast

oh that's nice did you have just a little bit of you time? Yeah. You do seem quite calm today. I woke up nice and early against me will, because my alarm went off. What time? Half seven. Did you set the alarm? Yeah. I was trying to get up early, even if I go to bed late, I'm trying to force myself to get up. And even if I have to have a nap in the afternoon, just fucking be up, get up and have a coffee.

So I'd had two coffees and I got a third one, but I threw the third one away because it was knocking me a bit sick. I don't think I'm 100%. Right. You're taking my lethargy for calmness. Oh, okay. I think. I'm a bit bunged up. Evon's a bit not well, aren't he? But I want to go to Dublin at the weekend to see fucking Staple.

Stapers, the stapler. I'm seeing them tonight as well. Chris Stapleton, Manchester Arena tonight. And Chris Stapleton again, Dublin Arena on Sunday. And you're there! Doing your little gigs! And there I am with Dan Knight and Galen Fiends, which has literally got two tickets left and I've sold out the Lafter Lounge, which sneaky is something I've wanted to do

for a long time. Tough with that. Holly and everyone at the Lafter Lounge are good eggs. But I, so we finish at quarter past nine. We'll be done by about quarter past nine. Gonna do a bit of a meet and greet afterwards because I didn't get to do it on tour last year. And then we will be out on the streets of Dublin

for I reckon 10pm. So that is a beautiful thing. We'll try and bring Stapleton out. Chris, big Chris. Yeah, that'd be a clap. I'd make my life. I reckon it'll happen. I'm going to try not to get too pissed in Atgarven on Saturday because I'm going out

to the Atgarven Inn on Saturday. I'm staying in County Kildare near De Corah where we did the GAA special on Saturday. I'm gonna go Grave Diggers from the airport, the John Caverner Grave Diggers. We can go there actually, cause I'm being there. It's the best Guinness on the planet. Fridays are, oh I'm there then. Fridays and Monday, we're there.

Tell me who Chris Stapleton is. You should probably leave. Sweet Tennessee whiskey. Probably leave. Tell me who Chris Stapleton is. You should probably leave. Should we Tennessee Whiskey? Probably leave. That's good. You're as smooth as Tennessee Whiskey. That's what I'm looking for.

He's good. He's a good one. He's my favorite one. Give you that one. He's a traditional country and he's also just like quite rocky as well. He's not like proper like. He is Kings of Leon with a country twang.

If I don't say this out loud, I'll forget to say it. Would you like to go to see the Luminaires with me in March in Manchester? Sure. Right, cool. Cause I think I love the Luminaires. They're the only thing that follows me on Instagram. Full X.

Wesley, is his name? Fafana. Yeah. Any of them. Wesley Fafana, he's the L them. Where's the Fafana? It's in the luminaries. He followed me a while back because I shared a video of him on stage

with Shane Gillis and Zach Bryan. Are they Hey Ho? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, hey. Ah, but that's not the best one. That's the one that, that's their first hit. But like Cleopatra and Ophelia and Stubborn Love.

Finn loves them. I do. What's your favorite song, Finn? Not Hey Ho. Finn. Stub and Love. Finn loves them. I do. What's your favorite song, Finn? Not Hey Ho. Finn. Stub and Love. Finn, you go to every live gig. Yes, I just like gigs. That's why I think of you.

It's also nice to spend time with you. All right? I'll go to any gig. I'll treat you. Oh, thank you. All right? Yeah. I don't know if it's on that.

Where is it? Manchester, about the 25th of March. I don't know how big the Luminers are. I don't know if they're like, oh, with it? Manchester, about the 25th of March. I don't know how big the Luminers are. I don't know if they're like, Oh, we've put on a, will you? Yeah. All right, it's off. I'm busy.

I'm too busy. The AO arena. We'll go and ruin it if you want. No, I take it. Hey, hey, oh. Oh wait, no, I can't go because that's the day my brother's getting married. Apologies.

It's the day your brother's getting married. Oh, just another wedding I'm not invited to. Brilliant. What was it? Haven't you been invited to? Let's not bring it up. That is not true. I met him six times.

I've met Thomas Green a lot fucking more than six times. Oh! I'm saying it. Oh! Oh! Not all of us could get an invite, Dan. Are you invited? No.

Are you invited? You're invited! Listen, Thomas Green, this is for you. Jar! I'm sitting here knocking! So hang on, you're invited, you're invited, he's invited, Will. Harry and Stee, and me and not you. So hang on, you're invited, you're invited, he's invited Will, Harry and Steve, and me and not you. Are you invited, sorry.

Are you sure you just didn't get the invite? Listen, no, I spoke to Thomas today, he said Dan's not coming. Oh shit, not coming or not invited? He said Dan's not coming. Oh shit. Have you pissed him off? He was fine, wasn't he?

He's fine every time I've ever seen, do you know, cause he's one of the nicest people I've ever met. Maybe he's got Thomas. What have you done to his lady? Oh shit, Fat Bev. Oh God. Calling her Fat Bev. That was the problem.

I've been calling her Fat Bev the whole time and she's not fat and she's not called Bev. I think it's pissed her off. It is. Yeah. Yeah. Not joking aside, it is weird that we're all invited in your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I brought it up. It's hurt my feelings. I've got some lovely voice notes from Thomas. Someone send this to Thomas, please. When are we getting our suits done for your brother's wedding, Finn?

Fuck off. Are we going in March? Easter day of honour? Suit shopping in March. Hang on. I know his brother better than you, though. We've been to March together. When's the wedding? The wedding's in March. No May. You said you're going to a wedding instead of going to... Yeah, because he got the date wrong

at the gig. Oh, it's in May? It's in May. Oh. Right, two seconds. Hiya Thomas, Dan Nightingale there, your old pal. Just really enjoyed working with you at the roast. Well, obviously we've had that back and forth just recently when we had all those WhatsApp note voice notes together. Just, um, just want to say I didn't really get a chance to brilliant work at the roast. Unbelievable. But again, I'm reiterating the things that have been said in that lovely back and forth WhatsApp voice note we did just yesterday. Um, really, uh, just chatting them away amongst the lads on have a word. Yeah. Yeah. Here's all your wedding guests chipping in. And I just want to say good luck for the wedding, you know, and I hope everything goes well and I hope it's a big, big party with all your pals and all the people that you respect and definitely

don't hate. And that's it really Thomas. So much love. Good luck to you. And I'll probably see you sometime in the next two, three years or whatever. All right Sarah, get on me. Good that. There you go. That's how genuine, that's how I really meant all that. Not getting invited to the weddings because it can cause issues. Good luck to him. Steve, are you going? I don't think Steve's going. Great. Me and Steve will have a pint. Hang on, Steve's busy.

Steve's busy. Tom's given me a plus six. Did you mean my last one. Sorry. Who's your, who's your first five? Uh, Celica. Yeah. Can I argue there? Wesley Snipes, Wesley Fafana, the whole of the Lumen is from before. No, it's Celica. Some people you don't know and stay. Great. Some people I don't know. Did Thomas know those? Oh, I don't know them either. Oh you don't know them either. Just going to go and do a little random sweep of the streets of Liverpool. Sound. There was some people in Little over there, I was like do you want to come to a wedding? By the way, I'm fucking great at a wedding. I'm a value add. I'm not having this. Hey you don't have to sell yourself to me, if I get

married you will be there mate. And you are there for mine? Yes I fucking will. You will? Don't you tap me like my three-roll sleeping next to me. Dan. I'm telling you right now. Obviously you're not going to his wedding, he doesn't barely know you. He's never met his son.

Yeah, my son will be going to your wedding and not me. He wouldn't know if he was there. I want a good uncle relationship with your son. And if that doesn't happen, then you'll still be invited, but you will be in night-case. Night-case. Night-night. Night-night.

Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night.

Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. Night-night. You are. I had to decide yesterday that you're also a groomsman. Cause you've, I've got to get you a, what is it like a butternier or something? What is it? A butternier. Thank you Carl. I've got you an egg and cress butternier. I don't eat them. But I'll have them on my lapel. That genuinely is, it means a lot. You know, thank you very much. Yeah. That's so nice. Nighttime guest. Yeah. I haven't met your son. Sweet. He's not coming. What? He's not coming to the wedding. Doesn't matter.

Did you have anyone in your wedding party who has got kids that you hadn't met? No. No. All right. We'll go the match. But it's gotta be athletic go. You know what he to be athletic. Oh, let's have a break. Have a break. Yeah. A cast powers the world's best podcast. Here's a show that we recommend. dark and with that the curtain falls on the story of Anne the limb the red room exploring

irish ghost stories and haunted irish history listen to these a car shows wherever you get your podcasts a cast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast.com Don't kill each other, look at these. That's how you get peace. If you love this podcast, you should sign up to our Patreon, like 27,000 other good eggs have done, patreon.com slash have a word pod, early release of the public episodes, an exclusive every Wednesday, both video and audio and loads of specials, including lock ins, farming special, race track day, restaurant, we've done so many things and we know what we're doing when it comes to patrons.

Most of Hathaway 2 is coming in December as well. Do you want to watch the first one? India. That's a country. We're going to India. We're doing loads. January. And you can watch it all for three quid.

We had got some... Richard Gorton says, so I discovered Hathaway six months ago and I've binged everything. Signed up on Patreon and cannot get enough. Mad thing is, until I find you guys, I haven't ever really bothered with podcasts. Now I don't listen to anything else. Wondered, what were the podcasts you used to be into that made you want to start one? And what are the pods you listen to now? I've never been a consistent podcast listener

and I'm still not. Same, I listen to Have A Word. And that is the only podcast I ever listened to before. I watched the clips of Two Bears. I've occasionally listened to like a comedian that I'm a fan of on Rogan. And I've listened to all of series one of serial and some of series one of undisclosed.

This is about serial. And end of list. What about Barry's pod? I thought you enjoyed that. Oh, the parapods. I did listen to that. I used to listen to that in the bath. I do ghosts in the bath.

That was jet. Like no blood smoke. I was asked because he's our friend. The parapod is fucking great. So funny. Well, that's my first, my first answer. I listened to Peacock and Gamble when I was like 11. Hey Peacock, they fucking smashed that early.

Yeah. They were really early doors for British podcasting. That got me onto the Ricky Gervais stuff with XFM and then the Ricky Gervais podcast. That was a bit of a cheat though. Know what I'm saying? Cause they had a radio show that was podcastable. They didn't, they went the other way with it. It's still so good when you go back and listen now.

It's really good. I fell asleep to it loads. Yeah. And then that, what was that? Yeah, I listened to that quite a bit, like via the TV. I'll put that on like the telly. Yeah, I'll watch the podcast. I'm a big podcast guy actually. Turns out, I fucking love him.

I watch Rowan Clips, I watch two MMA podcasts. I never listen to podcasts though. I don't rarely watch them. I used to listen to The Bugle with John Oliver. Sniff it as well. We're in the cupboard, Dan. John Oliver and Andy Zoltzman. Come on, let's have fun. Opi and Anthony were what I listened to when I was trying to, when I was buying equipment that would start the hack radio pod that would become this pod. That I thought Opie and Anthony was what we were trying.

I, in my head, I was like, if we can do the British version of that, that'll fly. And that's pretty much what we do. Opie and Anthony, when they, there was a point maybe 15 years ago when they had Patrice O'Neill in Regularly, Bill Burr in Regularly, Jim Norton in Regularly, and it was fucking unbelievable. And it's just what we're doing. Like it's basically what we're doing. And that's why I think Two Bears, One Cave works really well. That's what people are into, isn't it? Really funny, funny comics. Chatting shit.

I'm down to four now, with a rotation of four. All right. So I'll listen to Off Menu occasionally, if I like the guest. And then Ellis and John on Five Live, I listen to every week and I've done for- Oh really? I've done since they were on XFM,

which is nearly like 10 years ago. And then the Office rewatch thing, with two of the cast from the office, which is just coming to the end now. Is that US though? Yeah, yeah. Have you listened to the Always Sunny one as well? I've listened to the Sunny one.

I've watched the Sunny one. All right, okay. And then what's the other one? And then there's a film one called Movies You Forgot, You Forgot, which is a good podcast. Like if I want to chill one, the rest is history is unbelievable. Is that about movies that you know you really like but you just haven't seen for a while

so they've left your head? Yeah. I put one of them on last night. The Commitments. Have you seen The Commitments? Yeah. So it's two hosts at the end of each episode will go, have you watched this? Do you remember what happens in it?

And if they both don't remember, they'll watch that the next week. I was on the Have A Word film club last week and you guys are flying with that. It's great. It was really fun. Yeah. So there's another reason to sign up on Patreon. Also me and Harry's mad that early access

will come on that as well. I did it with the Lincoln lawyer, great film. Think you'll like that. Matthew McConaughey? Yeah. Yeah, it's a class. Great film and I forgot it existed. I was like, oh fuck, this is a great film. It's so well done that film. I think you'll like that. Matthew McConaughey? Yeah. Yeah, it's a class. Great film. Well, I forgot it existed. I was like, oh, fuck, this is a great film. It's so well done, that film.

I only got half of the commitments last night before Betty Bo's. But have you seen the commitment? No. What is it? Oh, it's about... Is it the Irish band? Yeah. Yeah.

It's a young lad in Dublin who wants to put a band together. He wants to be a music manager. So he holds auditions and just puts this sort of band of misfits together in North side of Dublin. And it's just fucking. Is it a Louis Walsh biopic? No. One Direction.

Sounded like it. You're the only person I know who'd be disappointed with the answers to that being no. Oh, what a shame. It's a brilliant film. Is it about Louis Walsh? Have you watched Almost Famous yet? Don't think I'm lying.

No. Watch Almost Famous? That film was made for you? I hate, I will refuse to watch anything when someone tells me to watch it. I'll make a film club film then. Don't tell me to watch it, I'll watch it on my own time.

That's why I've never watched School of Rock. Everyone I go, will go, you will fucking love that. No, that's for children. Shut up. Whoa, shut your fucking pedophile of mouth, you. Made for children? I'm not cool enough, that's not made for children. I mean, it's kind of a kids' film.

No, it's got kids in it. Oh, right, right, right. It's got kids in it, it's not a kids' film, is it? No, you're right. You're just arguing against me? Great, it's a good point. I wondered who was gonna to pull the example out and of course it was about the Holocaust. It had to be, didn't it? I don't know, 9-11.

Almost Famous was made, like you will jizz your pants. What if I go don't watch Almost Famous? You'd hate it. No, I'll watch it. Ah, there you go. Contrarian prick. I can't believe you haven't seen School of Rock. Yeah, I feel like everyone just automatically has to watch. But the legend of the rent was way past due. And in Katy you come in with the bass. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b- Without me but you're mine! You think you can kick me out of the band? Lalalalalalalalalala Well, it's just one problem there The band is mine

How can you kick me out of what is mine? Well you're not hardcore You're not hardcore I let you live hardcore But the legend of the rent was way hardcore. Boom, big old explosion. Come on. I don't need to watch it now.

That was it. And that was the lead song from Schindler's List. Big old explosion. We've got another. Where's my? Can we do it old school style? Can we do it old school style? Yeah, go on. Where's your? Fiona says, I'm really happy I rediscovered Can we do it old school style? Can we do it old school style?

Fiona says, I'm really happy I rediscovered the commitments last night. Come on film club and we'll do that. I said I'll do it. We'll do that film. I'm waiting to be asked to come on to it. Okay. He's like this. He never just comes to meet my son. He's like, I'm getting invited. Just turn up. What's the one way the kids push the thing down the thing and kill the thing? He never just comes to meet my son, he's like, I'm getting invited.

Just turn up. What's the one where the kids push the thing down the thing and kill the thing? Cool Runnings. Sleepers. We'll do Sleepers and The Commitments then, because you love them two films and I've never seen either of them. I do, there's so many though. The Commitments is fucking... Ah, what a bitch.

Can we just stop the part? You can pick like an obscure one like that. I could not go for lunch and watch The Commitments. Show of hands You could pick like an obscure one. Not go for lunch and watch the commitments. Show Shaked Redemption, pick an obscure one like Damned. They're two good ones. They're coming after me though. You go do your homework? Yeah, I'll watch them.

That is the homework. That is the homework. That's the only thing, isn't it? Yeah. I'm writing something at the minute that the commitments has provided some inspiration for, that I wasn't expecting. A musical?

No. Stand up. You're starting a band in North Dublin. We are going up. Is that where we're going? Trying to get Chris involved. I like Chris. Look, I know you're doing well on that. I think we can take this to another level.

This is Carl. He plays the tambourine. We've got an... Ignor his face. Oh my God. Where is it? I'll kill you. Fiona says, I've been doing therapy for the first time, mainly because you guys have talked so openly about it.

I was wondering, if you could magically erase one vice or character floor of yours, what would it be? And what would the lads erase for each other? Wow. And that's from old crazy Fiona. That's a good question. Fiona. Procrastination.

I can't do something unless I have to. If I've got another day to do it, I'll do it on that day. You are a homework at the back of the bus kind of kid. No, because that to me, I've run out of time there. I'm the night before, like an hour before I go to bed. Right. Okay, yeah. If I've got something that needs to be done,

I'll do it up until. Like if you get a parking fine, you pay on the last day. Not with that, no. He, yes. No, but that doesn't count, he just doesn't pay him. He waits till there's a fucking bailiff at the door. Like film club, I watched both films the night before. Me too.

Right. Because I have two. So what do you just mean, what's your flaw then being a last minute fanny? I mean that's one of my flaws, that's his flaw that he's just said, but I say I'm similar. No, procrastination's not exactly the same, is it? No. It working? That's a symptom of procrastination.

Yeah, yeah, okay, I give you that. Because even when I've got to get something done, I'll find like, like I'll find reasons to not go cycling. Ah, I've got to do this thing. Like, do you know what I mean? Even though we've got to go to India on a bike and I'm terrified. Yeah, I think I'm probably right.

Do you know how many people have died since the 80s through snake bites in Australia? So even since the 80s, the last 20 years, Gina messaged me yesterday, I was like, shut up. She was trying to make me feel better and I was trying to make her feel worse. Right, Australia or India? Australia. Oh, Australia.

So Australia, you know, Land of the Snakes, how many people have died from snake bites? And it is since the 80s. I want it to be low. So I'm going to say two. 43. Oh and that's my age that feels ominous. The land of the snakes. Land of the snakes. That's Australia. How many in the same time period in India? 7,922. 1.3 million. Generally I don't mind if this gets cut out. I need that not to be true. I don't want to. You may just do. I know we're trying to save. Also the population. I'm not just doing like

Scotland. I'll do 450 kilometers in Scotland. How many people have died from snakebite since the eighties? Snakebite in Strathclyde. Go! More like the drink. Get out. Dan, we're going to Rajasthan. What do you think the percentage of you dying if you get bitten by a snake where we are going? Oh, sorry, the survival rate. Survival rate if you get bitten by a poisonous snake in Rajasthan.

What is this? You don't do any research for the podcast. 25% survival rate. So if one of us four gets bit, one of us dying, no three of us dying. So the annual snake bite death in Australia is 0.03 per 100,000 per year or roughly one to two persons per year.

Right, so we've moved the challenge to Australia because it's sensible. And that's down from 13 persons per year back in the 1920s, you know? Ah, the roaring 20s. India is between 81,000 and 138,000 each year. And that's not bites, that's deaths. And as many as 400,000 amputations

or permanent disabilities occur on top of the deaths. Cool, listen, I'm all for saving Zoe's place, but I'd like to do it differently. I'll build a new, they can have my house. What about that? Just move in at mine. We've got four rooms and a, listen, we've got rooms for four families in the house

and then 46 families in the garden office with each other. You're not thinking about it? Don't get bit by a snake. Yeah. Oh, God. See a snake. Just're not thinking about it. Don't get bit by a snake. Yeah. Oh, God. See a snake. Just move your bike that way.

You know, that's the thing with those 1.3 million idiots. If they'd have just got up and gone, I know what, I'm not going to die from a snake bite today. They'd have been sound. Brilliant, brilliant. What the fuck are we going to do? Yeah, we are going to silly land. What kind of, is it mainly on the leg?

I'm not just calling for it anymore. Is it mainly on the... Go back to silly land. What kind of... Is it mainly on the left? I can't just call it that anymore. Is it mainly on the... Go back to silly land, you. How many was it, sorry, in Australia? One to two people per year. OK, it's 58,000 people per year in India. Bunch of silly bollocks. It's more than that though, isn't it?

The World Health Organisation estimates that around 58,000 people die. Yeah, but they're in big India's pocket, mate. It's actually double. Who were they? Some of them just dying. Don't care. You know, they just roll into a ditch and they're gone.

I got told by someone who regularly goes to India that we're not going to be the same people when we come home for the things that we're. Well, no, I won't be. I'll be dead from a snake bite. No, for the things that we're going to see. Okay. And she said like, your changes, your mentally. I stomp see that.

Like the object poverty, like inescapable poverty. I thought we were cycling through the rich bit. No, no, just past the fucking deli Morrison's and what not. I also think people like that. They just like saying that. Do you know what I mean? I think we'll see it. I think like there will be really sad bits that we'll see.

And then, you know, we'll come back and just watch fucking Yeah, well, they're not Time and we'll all be like, oh, yeah Have you seen awful awful poverty just come home and watch die-hard and be like what's the commitment? It's meant to be boss Factor in though Carl is what if I'm a big fat selfish prick and I'm like, oh shit We're you know, you're really, really feeling personal. Mm hmm.

Wait, what's it called? You're gay, aren't you? Too bad in the 80s. Oh, I just heard some audio. Listen to this. Bender. Um, what floor would I take for myself? I would go vital. I'd love to stop eating shite food. What floor would I take for myself?

I would go vital. I'd love to stop eating shite food. Genuinely. Like I don't eat much, but the stuff I eat is... Can we keep getting lunch and I get the least healthy of everyone's? And I'm the oldest, so I'm closer to death. Would you genuinely, genuinely, rather take away the urge to eat bad food

than the occasional even like remain an edge for cocaine. I know you've dealt with the major problem that was there but like... Well I don't if I had a free roll of the dice to lose one vice, barz, why would I waste it on coke when I genuinely feel like I've cracked it? And what helps there is, and I mean this and I've said it before, people not offering at me. It's literally like Liverpool on a night out has gone born again Christian because no one's offering at me.

And Laura said this is part of the reason she fucking loves you lot. None of you do it and you're, I know, but like mainly- Finn's a Lemo hold. But he's also more of a friend than he is a, do you know? Yeah. Right. So she loves you guys. And every time I'm on a night out, and if it's your love,

Love it or Lemo it. He's more of a friend than a, that's what you said. A lizard. So I don't, I'm not having the cravings or urge or, I got steaming on Saturday. It never leaves you surely. Like a smoker can not smoke for 20 years and get back on it.

Yeah, but why waste the, if I've got a magical roll of the dice, it would be such a waste to deal with the thing that isn't bothering me. And no other drugs bother, oh, you think it might come back. I think that'd be pretty weird. To follow your logic through,

how often are people coming up to you in pokes? I mean like, hey lad, got some KFC in me pocket if you wanna. You know what I mean? If being offered it's the problem. No, it's not. Salt and pepper chicken. No, I don't bump into someone and go, here, have a wrap.

Come on, come on, go on. Some Shum Um, no, I wouldn't waste it. I feel like this year has been, uh, a big year where it's just not a problem. But eating crap food all the time is probably going to do me in. I think my sugar, I got money and sugar today and then I'll just get to a time. Just spoonfuls of sugar. Yeah, makes the medicine go down. Couldn't help yourself could you? No, it's like an autism. It's like say the rest of it. Yeah, and then I'll get to like a time and I'm like, oh, it's the end of the day. I'll just

have a couple of bit and then what have you done? It's fat and sugar and it's not just sugar. It's you need that, you need fat, you need fat in it. Like every, everything that you think, oh, I want something sweet. It's got loads of fat and like all puddings, loads of fat as well as sugar. Sweets have got fat in them and sugar.

It's that combo. You're not craving just sugar. You're craving the sweet things that people like, all the crap that people make that's got. Yeah, cause you could eat lemons, I suppose. That wasn't that other thing that I'd help. No, but yeah, you're craving like processed sugar. It's not the fat in it that you're craving. No, but just sugar on its own. It's if you know, when you've got a sweet tooth,

if someone had a spoonful of sugar, it's not just that that you're craving really, is it? It's the crap that goes into the sweet things that we're craving. And it's fat as well. It's a combo of sugar and fat. I'd love to be able to take a pill where I didn't want sugar anymore. Azempec. Definitely. Is this a suppressant though? My mate Will is on Azempec at the moment. Yeah, it's just suppressing. And he was like, I literally had two mouthfuls of a salad from Sainsbury's and was

like that's heavy. I enjoy food I don't want to lose the ability. Zempich is an emergency option if you are your health is at risk I think. You've seen the government are going to start giving it to faties. Yeah. Free. To get them back into jobs. People are too fat that they can't work they're going to get prescribed on the NHS as Zempich so they thin up and get back into jobs. People are too fat that they can't work. They're going to get prescribed on the NHS or Zempik. So they thin up and get back to work. But it's not a solution, is it? Cause are you going to be on a Zempik for the rest of your life? And also I've fucked your bones, don't it? Fins your bones apparently. Cause you're not getting the nutrients from food. Damn. Yeah. I think mine definitely sugar is yours weed. I. I like it. I like sugar. I like it. But he likes like, you're better on it though. You like, there was a period a couple of years

ago when you didn't seem like you were dead happy. And so it was like, yeah, it was like all day every day. Whereas now it's like, I make sure I've done all my work. I think you're having a good period. You're in a, yeah, you smashed it. I feel the best for a few years, which is nice. Yeah, you can tell. So if weed's part of that, it's not a problem, is it? It's probably similar to Adam's in like laziness. Like I'm so annoyed at myself

that I've not got any better at guitar for about six years. How'd you get the best of your mind? And that's just from laziness and like not learning new stuff, just doing the same fucking Oasis songs over and over. Cause it's technical, isn't it? Like your practice. What don't you know on the guitar?

I'm a bad guitarist. Yeah, that's not what you have. He's a good lead singer and he's got musical talent. I'm a singer that plays guitar, I'm not a guitar player. But then again, Finn, you wouldn't want to be one of them guitar wizards who can't be a, who can't be a front man who hasn't got the creative gift, who can just like an autistic fucking

guitar. So why not? I'd like to be able to like write proper riffs and stuff. Right. I'm not a riffs man. Yeah. I'll just write a riff. You just say it in your head.

I'll just write that. Yeah, you can, but you then need to play that on the guitar. Don't you? How do you write a riff? Are you just saying it in your head? Like, I'll just write that. Yeah, you can, but you then need to play that on the guitar, don't you? But how do you write? This guitar, shit, I'm singing it to it. Why don't people just sing the music they want anymore? Because you can just do that kind of thing. There's also the... I pay for it.

There are... If you could do that on the guitar, you'd be a billionaire. He couldn't play that on the guitar, but he can make the noise. There are in history, you'll know more about, there are bands where the lead singer's gone, I've got a great idea of a song and it'll go, and he can't play a fucking thing. And the band go, oh, hang on, what, what are this? And then just replicate his sound. When I go to my band rehearsal, I've got a new song, I go, it goes like this.

And then they just go, I'm not going new song, I go, it goes like this, and then they just go. I'm not going, it's this, it's this and this. You just pick that. Why don't they just get mics and go, ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba like stuff on the software, which is called Logic, it'll turn it into like a piano. That's cool. AI for music is terrifying in that you can make songs now that could be on the radio where no one's played an instrument.

I saw Timberland being shown how AI can put the vocals onto a track and it doesn't do the lyrics. It just goes, this is where we think the vocal should be and this is the pitch and notes that they should be. And he's a, he's a genius as Timbaland, isn't he? And he was like, how does it know how to do that? He was like, it's perfectly positioned and like, and, and it was just like, it was making sounds like someone was having bad diction. Yeah. Yeah. And he was like, it's incredible that it knows. And then there was a look of fear because you can see him going, is this what the future of music production is going to be? It is though, isn't it? Like, I know we've spoken on the pod before about like AI taking over and

stuff. And Carl's always like, oh, it's going to be fine because it's not just going to come and kill us all. But do you not think like two generations from now, like our grandchildren and Dan's great, great, great grandchildren, do you not think like they're going to be so unskilled because no one's going to need them to learn anything? Yeah. So if AI can do everything, what do they do? Yeah. What are they going to do if AI is doing everything? What do they do? Yeah. What are they going to do? If AI is doing everything. But there's in terms of like art as in as a broad term, not painting and stuff. There's

something that can't replace humans and you can still tell. I think you're underestimating what AI can be in a hundred years. Yeah. Last year. But do you not think there'll be a distinction of like people will go, no, I don't want to listen to something a robot's made, I want to listen to- Everything might not, no. Yeah, I know what you mean. Also, like a boutique music.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There will be, but it will be a very small group of people to the point where they won't really matter. They'll be the independent, quirky people. Like, there's people who only want to listen to very specific types of music now because they don't believe that Sabrina Carpenter makes good music and we could debate that all day,

but she's fucking massive because most people, like people like that AI will be writing and producing their songs. Yeah, if you like populist crap, pop, if you've always had the stuff that radio plays, yeah. The thing is the people you love who are dead, they can make music for. Like someone made a Kanye song that Kanye never wrote

or produced and I'm like, that's a fucking banger. That's Kanye's voice. And I love that song. So it's all the style, the music, the beats, the rhythm. You can make a Tupac album now. And this is really at the early days of what AI can do. It's come on so much in the last 18 months. Last year it's gone fast.

So I'm imagining 100 years. Yeah. That's when we're talking about it. What do you think about comedy though? What do you think AI could ever kind of replace or do you give you the right jokes? I just think it's making so many advancements in every single other industry that I don't see how it can't eventually just do exactly what we're doing. It's not just writing though, it's not performing surely.

You wouldn't go and watch a robot do comedy. I would if it looked like Sabrina Carpenter. Like I wouldn't, but. Are we the purest then in the future? But what are the robots going to watch? Just the rumored toasters. Killing it. This guy's class.

There's gotta be some professions where AI can't. You're right. Are there though? Yeah taxidermy. I reckon you could 3D print that. Yeah. I honestly just think there's two or three generations from now that are just going to be useless people. What are people going to do then? We're already more useless than like two generations, even one generation. Could you change the tire? I'd have to go on YouTube and have a look.

No, I wouldn't want to because I'd do it wrong and then die as I drove off. More useless? My granddad couldn't podcast to save his life. This is a skill note. This is a vital service, yeah. I couldn't change the tire. I bet you could.

I'd die on the motorway. Go into your head. If your kitchen sink was blocked and you had to fix it. I'd lock on the U-bend to start and then if not I'd put a... How do you think the U-bend off? It's just screws on either side. It's like a plastic screw on the side. Where? Under the sink? Well that's where the U-bend is. I could do that. That's not hard.

Carl drowns in his own kitchen. But if I broke down the motorway, I live on the motorway. Until someone comes to get me. I just, I think the future of the human race is sad and pathetic. Yeah, I think we're near the end. I know they probably said that a hundred years ago.

Yeah, they did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think every generation has said it for a time in memoriam. No, but I don't that a hundred years ago. Yeah, they did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think every generation has said it for a time in memoriam. No, but I don't think a hundred years ago they were going in two generations time. No one's going to have any skills. I think they were saying like, we've already got all the technology we're going to have. Like it was a completely different. Someone said that in 1920, everything that's been invented, everything that will be invented has been invented and the plane wasn't even invented yet.

Yeah. So, what would they do? Yeah, but that doesn be invented has been invented and the plane wasn't even invented yet. Yeah. So, what the do they? Yeah, but that doesn't- Or my Chandler themed rubber duck. That's the three things that changed the world. Changed my world. But if AI can do everything, then in theory, shouldn't we all just be able

to be sustained with a sort of basic income? Are we just maintaining the AI? Is that our jobs? No, AI will maintain the AI. But who maintains the AI that's maintaining the AI. There's more AI. Yeah, there's a guy called Jeff in an office. He's going, shit, just got to make sure the maintenance

link is sorted. It's scary. You are right, which is why the argument for a universal basic income is louder than ever. But we're not there yet. And it is possible that it will just be at the minute where we're sort of seem to be sort of at the, the tipping point of capitalism, don't we? Because so much of the wealth is with the 1%, not even the 10%, but the 1%. And so many people are like, even compared

to 20, 30 years ago, people who were on like the median income 30 years ago were doing all right. And right now they're struggling. There's people on the median income using food banks. Is median just the average? Yeah. Oh no, the middle. Right. Right. Right. Right. So what's mode or the one that occurs the most? Sorry. Mode is the case the most median is the middle value and the mean is added altogether and divide by how many? Well, they're all technically average. They're all technically a definition for a type of average.

Mathematician at heart. So if you follow what's happened in the past 30 years, that isn't changing or slowing down, if anything, anything's speeding up we will get to a point where you know the top 1% will have 99.9999999999999 recurring for as long as you want to say the number 9% of all of the money and there will be abject poverty to people who are in the top 20% of earners will be as in poverty as people in the media now. Revolution, my friends.

Anyone fancy one? Because that sounds like grounds for revolution. The new Tesla cars, the Tesla taxis. So it's a Tesla with no steering wheel. It's totally autonomous. You get in and it drives you where you're going. And then it charges itself on a wireless charger. And then when you go to bed, it goes out and be's a taxi and earns

you money as an Uber and then charges itself. So people can get fleets of them and just go to bed and it'll drive around and drop people off. Yeah. I mean, we're, we're a while away from that, aren't we? But yeah, it's only a concept, but I don't know. Sorry. We'll get only a concept, but also it will get there. Feasibly, there's no reason it wouldn't happen. Well, I'll tell you what will happen with that is no one will own them, but Tesla and all of the money for Uber and we'll go to Tesla.

Why would they let anyone else have that money? Yeah, I don't think there's a while away from that in Sorghum. I don't think there's ever been a celebrity that's freaked me out as much as Elon Musk. It's your power to change the world. Not even that, he just, I look at him and I just feel like- Uneasy.

Yeah. His face is a bit weird, isn't it? He's just horrible. Yeah, he's like an evil iron man and he's got a propaganda machine where he can literally influence whatever he wants, no. I mean, I know it's not as powerful as it was with her ex, but he's just-

I mean, that's rich men have had the means of spreading information or disinformation for all time. He's just the only one. He's just the newest version of it. Like Murdoch's not had that for years. No, but also Murdoch is an awful person. And we've all known who he is more than anyone else before. But even Murdoch didn't try and make himself a celebrity.

Yeah, I know you mean. Like Elon Musk is like, hey, look at me. Like Murdoch's never tried to do that. He's always been like, yeah, I'm the owner of this, like pay me respect with politicians and stuff. And because of that, people have got to know who he is. But Elon Musk is right at the, he's pointing all the cameras at himself going, I'm sick. He revels in it. I can change the world. He's posted Saturday Night Live, like Rupert Murdoch hasn't posted Saturday Night Live.

He could have sold though. Yeah, I mean, I'm not scared of AI physically, but like in terms of like what the quality of life's gonna be going forward, it might be a bit stinky. Even the internet. I think it might get better. I was watching the commitments last night. Isn't it not getting better, the standard of living?

Compared to 40 years ago, absolutely it's better. I'm like, oh, that's not real. That's not real. That video is like, I don't know. That's not standard of living. That's just what you're watching. So what do you mean the standard of living? I mean, just like in terms of the money people have got,

the comfort they live in. That's what's going to go away. I'm just saying it's about to get pushed. Oh, okay. That's about to go away as Adam just said. It's about to get pushed. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's going to get worse and worse and worse. It's not going to get better from now, I don't think.

Right, okay. I also don't think the standards are better. I don't know. Compared to the 50s, 60s and 70s. Yeah, but that's just technology, isn't it? Technology is better, but the actual like, disparity is so much bigger. Yeah. Or a hundred years ago, but the actual like disparities so much bigger. Yeah. Or a hundred years ago where there was like real plague. Yeah. No, no, not the, what

the 14th century. No, a hundred years ago that that was, there was abject poverty. There was slums at most of Liverpool. Like we are in a better position there. And I understand the future looks bleak because of a disparity in wealth and stuff. But if we're talking about the average person in this country, their standard of living is far higher than it was in 1924. In the commitments, there's a scene at the start with loads of kids playing in the streets.

Big commitments. And even that, I was just like that you just do not see it. You don't see kids like playing out. Like giving people. When was the last time you seen a kid giving his mates a takey? I see John Edds wheeling around, but that's because they're all going on the circus one day. I think there's no kids who play at my road.

If you do, I call them fat little cunts on the internet. That's why they don't do it. So Fiona, Finn's going to quit weed. Oh, he's not. Oh, yeah, he's not. Well, that was pointless. Or maybe you will. Enjoy the future, everyone.

Sounds fucking great. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy, which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca. I prefer a cup of Choco Mel. Two beanies in a free mug and you are an absolute companies man aren't you? Tip Stevenson joins us! What's your hot drink of choice? I've got a coffee but I think it's got coffee mate in it and I don't mind it.

Coffee mate? Is that like the powdered milk stuff? Yeah. Has he got that in it? Yeah, it comes in like a tub and it says coffee mate. Yes, I think it's coffee mate. I think it should be. Before we moved in here, we spent 600 quid on a pretty impressive looking coffee set up. And that was turned on on day one and never again. Yeah. Where has that gone now? You've not got an espresso. We've got an espresso machine down the bottom, but the idea of turning that on and then fucking

cleaning it when you can just go around the corner and ask the wonderful woman who works in my house in about six months. You came to us last month with, uh, yeah. Yeah. And, uh, you went, what we got? Great. Did you just say, yeah, no notice. Okay. Carlos, the company, 300. Yeah. Nice. Oh, I feel like it is a fairly easy system.

I've got one. You just fire a pod in and then it comes out. Oh, that's my wife's got that every morning. I didn't, I didn't made it do weird sounds. Not the, not my wife, the coffee thing. They look very sensible. It's been brought in to mix things up, are you? I'm talking about full, as if you're in like an independent, likes the smell of its own fart sort of coffee shop. We had one of those with a fucking... Yeah, a proper espresso based coffee machine. The thing you're talking about is like the Nespresso pod machines and look, they are really fine in like a comedy club green room, you know? Oh, they're good in it.

That's a good, that's great. That's like, oh, well I need a coffee to pick myself up to do me sets. Like that, that's great. That's really good. But if you like coffee. Are you doing bean to cop shit? Are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. He's been to cop everyone. He's been to cups man. You know what I mean? I need either a batch brew or an espresso based Americano. Do you know why it's called Americana? Do you know why it's called? Do you know why coffee is called black coffee? Is it an Italian American thing? Cause it's from South America? Nope. Wrong. Sort of right. Yeah. Sort of right. So Jordan, world war two, I think that's a war, isn't it? Yeah, that was.

So the Americans were in Italy and the Italians were like, you want the coffee? And the Americans- And they got shot at initially. And then went, I'm sorry, we give up. And then the next thing they said was, do you want the coffee? The Americans were like, Jesus Christ, fucking strong.

Yeah, because they were from heightened. Bloody hell. So the Italians started watering their coffee down. The Italian coffee is espresso. You just have an espresso. They started watering it down for the fucking yanks. And then they called that Americana. Oh, I thought Italian American.

That is good factual. I can't believe I didn't know that because my husband is Scottish Italian. Is he? Yeah. There's a man that loves the Scottish Italians. Is he? Yeah. Passionate. Doesn't like to talk about it. Have you heard them accents mixed? I saw the video on Twitter this week. Oh really? This is the best accent mixed together.

Yeah, his is fully Scottish. He's not really got any hint of, and he also looks, you've met him. He looks very Scottish. He's got the... He's a good looking man. Hang on. He looks very Scottish or he looks very Italian? Scottish. He looks very Scottish. Does he? He looks very Scottish, but you can tell someone from his past has been to Italy. Like I'm not lying, no, you would look at him

and go, his granddad's been to Naples. Apparently the red beard is from the Italian side. Really? I'm not being true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? Yeah. You'd think it was Scottish. Yeah. Mad. How

poor was Italy back in the day? Italians were like, we need to go somewhere and make loads. So there's loads of yeah. Glasgow and Edinburgh is big Scottish Italian. So he's a Bertolotti, but there's like a pop star name. Paolo nottini from Texas. Uh, Charlene's but Terry, I'll do them all. I'll do them all. Babes. It's a lot is his name. Yeah. So sexy. It's not in a glass region. Accent. Fucking but a lot. Yes, it is. Yeah. Over here. But a lot. Yeah. So it was, it was a sexy name part from the registrar at our wedding who couldn't say it. He was like, why can you not see my name? She called him baloney or tolly. But yeah, he got, we had a baloney. Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I, I've got lots of facts about coffee if you...

Oh, I'm into it. Listen, I'm into it. Quartardo? Yeah, Quartardo. Do you know why they exist? It's a quarter, isn't it? Do you know why they exist? The little cups, the cups that give a little bit of milk on top, because women weren't allowed to drink coffee back then, so they used to hide it with the milk on the top.

All the Italian men just think that women were just shot on milk. Clearly they weren't very smart. It's like the OG baby Chino. Yeah, yeah, it was to hide what they were drinking. Alfie Brown in his new hour has got an absolutely unbelievable routine about the concept of a baby Chino and the name of the baby Chino and how angry the word baby Chino makes them. Is that just a small cappuccino? It's a tiny pair of Chino's. Yeah, I love an Americano and a pair of pants for me toddler.

Yes. Just don't mind. I used to have a, yeah, I used to say like, if you're that desperate for your child to have frothed milk, jump up and down and breastfeed it. But I do kind of get it. It's kind of like, it's a cute thing, I suppose, for the kid to kind of go in and feel like they're part of the experience. But when you're hung over in a coffee shop

on like a Saturday morning and it's just full of like, you know, kids with baby chinos, you're like, I want to end myself. Where do you go to coffee shops? I live in a really knobby place. You know this, I live in Muswell Hill. I'm not from there, but I live in like North London and it is properly like, okay, there's a lot of women there

with owner horse energy and I have steel horse energy. So it's just a different thing. Horse women? It's very, it's very North London. It's very- It's not even the cool like Crouch Endy. It's like Crouch Endy grown up. Yeah, Crouch Endy is a bit more arty.

Moswell Hill is a bit more- We were there. We were at Ali Pali for the Red Bull soap box. Ah. And I parked- It's where the darts is. Yeah. Yeah, but that doesn't fit with Moswell Hill, does it?

No. I parked up and I was like, oh, these are some nice houses. Yeah, some big houses. I'd have loved to do, I usually do the right move thing of being like, you know when you're trying to guess what it is? Yeah. Cause in Chester, the houses round where I parked in was where it would be 800 grand. Yeah. And I'd suggest they'd be a little

bit more. About three mil, I reckon. Yeah. Easy. Is London that good? Cause you can have a fucking palace round here for three mil. I was born there. I can't afford to buy a house there. I've been in the same place. I've been renting for 15 years and they just jacked the rent up after like, you know, cost of living crisis, whatever. So you're more poor. So now it's harder to get. Yeah. But everything around there is, is, it's just crazy. It's just crazy. Even the bit we're in, we're in the slightly scuzzy a bit, which you go muscly scuzzy a bit of Moswell Hill. Yeah. You can't get anything like down by. It's not the waitress end. It's the Tesco's extra end. That's how you delineate. But like you wouldn't.

So you say Moswell Hill and people think it's posh. And then during lockdown, I got one of those inflatable hot tubs. Did everyone get inflatable? Thought about it, it got close. And so I was doing all these videos from my hot tub and people thinking, look at this posh bitch. And I was like, I am on a square of concrete just outside the North circular, but they don't know that. So that's just how you can lie on Instagram.

I'm like, look at my glamorous, put some fairy lights about anything's fancy with a couple of fairy lights. It is? So I think they were Christmas lights that we just left up from two years ago. Yeah, they look sick though don't they? But like it's just they're synonymous with the shot of guests now like they can't go anywhere you know what I mean? Have you seen you can get puppuccinos as well? What? You've seen baby chinos to get the kids involved. Puppuccinos just whipped cream. Yeah. But for your dog. Yeah.

So dogs can get involved. I would have thought that would have been more of a cat vibe. You can't take your cat to the coffee shop though. Ah, true. I was just thinking milk cream. That is cat shit, right? If cats find out dogs are going out and getting,

but they're going to lose their minds. They're going to, my cat is already probably. If you go through like the drive- of a Starbucks with a, with a visible dog, like you haven't like hid it in the boots. If the dog's like visible, like a visible, I'll often go, do you want a puppuccino baby? Right. I really, I just, I didn't think, I didn't think dogs like cream or milk or dogs like anything. Yeah. Are you not a dog. Slight cream or milk or- Oh, dogs, yeah. Dogs like anything. Yeah. Are you not a dog person? I like dogs, but I don't own one.

I own one very, I was going to say middle-aged male cat, but he's not, he's an old man now. He's 14. So in cat years, I think that's about 80 something. He's very, he's very, Roisin always says to me, he looks like he would kill a wolf. He's got like, he's a very

edgy cat. He's not going to do well if you bring a puppy into it. He's not going to have, he's not going to have, he scares dogs. He'll get into it with them and he'll, you know. You have that, don't you? Cause Carl had a cat before he got his dog and the cat beats the dog up. Yeah. Not anymore. When, when Wally was little, but now what to lose is 14 to, to lose the sides once a week that he'll play. Yeah. But yeah, he's a, he's not asked. He's too old for that. He's a house

cat as well. He's like, but you were telling me he caught a mouse yesterday, a mouse for six weeks and it's been mugging me off. I've been putting traps down. It's been like walking around and came home. I seen the cat was dead proud of himself. You can tell he was sitting there like boss me. Came over for some love and was like nudging me and the mouse was dead outside the living room. Fucking buzzing. Do you reckon the cat knew you were trying to catch the mouse? He knows that. Yeah. I think it was, as I said before, cats give you things because

you think you're a shit cat. Like he has a fucking mouse. He's hungry. He was buzzing with him. He was walking by like Thailand. Yeah. Like, cause he was trying to get the fucker for six months, six weeks, six weeks, months. I moved house. I went away for a weekend and came back to a dead rat and I didn't find it for ages. I could just smell something in the living room and then eventually found it and had to call my mate. It was actually Paul, my friend Paul, but to call him to come around and cause I didn't know what to do. I sort of lit candles around it to get rid of the smell. Look like some kind of Santa

Ria like yeah. Rats and mice are different as well. Yeah. This was a little cute thing that wasn't bothering anybody. Rats are a bit big and smelly. Rats. Yeah. It went off quick.

Where had your cat left it? It was like under the, like behind a table, there was like a little dresser sort of in the corner of that and he'd gone under the table and tucked it round the... There's a little present for you, find that in a bit. Oh, it was, it was rank and he's bought in a, he's bought in a bird, he's bought in a dove, a starling. The starling is the one where we, he bought the, he bought the bird in and it was screaming, he bought it through the cat flap, it was screaming. So then we both woke up screaming. So my husband

woke up screaming because he heard screaming in the room. I sort of, I'm coming into consciousness. I start screaming. I thought there was someone there with a knife or something. And then there's just the two of us screaming at each other and the cat drops the bird and just looks at us going, what is your problem? And we all just basically had heart attacks. What did you have to do to the screaming Stalin? Oh, you had to take it out. You have to put a spade in there. Not take it out. No, it was. Oh, it's a mercy. Yeah. Yeah. Which, you know, I can't get involved with any of that business. Do you know, uh, the other night, this is true. So I was in bed, right? And I'd not long got out the shower, right? And I just had me cowboy hat on in bed, right? Oh my.

No, obviously. I just had it on. It was on the bed. What else were you wearing? Listen, it's part of the story. Oh no. So I had nothing but me cowboy hat on and me Texas Longhorns college football jersey.

Like a sexy girl. Right, yeah. But also- With a dick out. But also genuinely with my dick out. Like no undies on, right? And then there was a loud bang in the living room and I was like, I didn't lock.

We've got two front doors because the flat we live in was two flats that they converted into one big one, right? So there's the front door that's right by my room. And then there's another front door that just opens right into our living room. And my two housemates were like sound asleep and had been for a few hours.

I'd only just got like a washed and got into bed. And I was like, there's someone in the living room. So I just instinctively picked me ax up and walked into the living room. And obviously it was all just fine. And a pan that I'd left on the side, it just like fell off because like I'd overstacked the drying rack of the dishes.

And I was like, okay, cool. And I locked the door and double checked everything. It was fine. And then just caught sight of myself in the mirror on the way back to the bedroom. And I was like, how terrifying a visual would that have been if it was a burglar. You think, do you know what?

That's a small flat. I'll chance this one. And then I walk into the living room with me cock out and NFL jersey on, a cowboy hat and an axe in me hand. That's what I'm going as for Halloween. I was thinking you put the cowboy hat on, like this is just killing that. Ship there's an intruder. Where's my cowboy hat? Axe, take these off.

I know if I've said this before, what would you have done if either of you had won? Someone's getting bummed. And I said get out of my house. Would you have hit him with the axe? Well it's like having a nuclear weapon in an acts. You hope it's just a detent. So it's everyone told up like what have you got in case someone breaks in? I've said this before. I've said to my partner, if you think someone's downstairs, push the bed against the door and ring the police. I'm not asking anybody. You're going to do empty me fridge. I'm too toxically masculine for that though. I need to go and sort it out.

He's going to get his dick out, get a weapon, get a cowboy hat. I've got one in my car. I've got a hail and stick in my car for hailing, if any. You could slap them real hard. Yeah, but in the house... I've got my wife, she's got a baseball bat. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's it. Basically, we've never had an intruder. No one lives where I live. The worst I've seen is basically her come downstairs. She heard me coming through the door and admittedly it's not an easy front door to get through. She'd been upstairs, it was a warm night. I got back after a gig, so it's like midnight, usual stuff.

It's pitch black. She's in the night, she's got warm. So she's taken her PJ bottoms off. She's got a baseball bat on her and she came down the stairs naked from the waist down like a tooled up Winnie the Pooh. And that's the closest we've ever come. She came Biffen bat ready. And then I'm like, ah!

I'm just locking the door quietly. You all right? Completely useless. That baseball bat is literally just to kill me, I think. Do you have any weapons? Biffen bat is all out on a t-shirt. Biffen bat ready. I've got, when we moved in together, I found ninja throwing stars. So I was like... Found?

Well, you know, in the stuff you move, there's like, there were like Chinese meditation balls and then there was like, but you know, just crap that men have before they live with women's, you know? Yeah. You got friend stars. I bought, I've got, I've got a throne star. Yeah. One. I like that. It's one. Just one. You can have that back. I'm settling down now. Two can go to the charity show. You never know who's coming through that door. Well, I did say, what have you got it for? And he said in case, in case of an intruder, but I think, I think he must've been joking., I did say, what have you got it for? And he said, in case of an intruder. But I think he must have been joking. Because I was like, how does that even pan out?

You've got to be crouching under the stairs in a cupboard waiting for them, like, in order to, yeah. And then miss every night. The reason I go out, because I just think it's the scariest one. Right. It's up there. Guns scare you. Oh, yeah, bazooka.

I have a bazooka on the bed because it's the scariest one. Are guns illegal? Chainsaw. I've also got a chainsaw actually. We both have chainsaws. What's the rules? Because if you have a samurai sword, you know if you're a lizard and you have a samurai sword in the living room and someone breaks in and goes, ah, I'm breaking in, you know

like intruders do. Isn't it reasonable for us to get your samurai sword down and chop the red off? No, that's not reasonable for us. And if you have, if you get the samurai sword out of its sheath, if you unsheath it, and this is literally the law, to use this as a weapon, then you've picked up a deadly weapon and went for him,

even if they're in your house. However- What if I sleep with a samurai? What? A woman. So here's what you have to do. You have to claim you were using it as a knife. So you'd have to cut his head off house. However, what if I sleep with a samurai? What? A woman. So here's what you have to do. You have to claim you were using it as a knife. So you'd have to cut his head off and then start making yourself dinner. Then you ring the police and say I was

in the middle of chopping. I was a bit of sushi. I was having a bit of sushi. I always have a block of cheese next to the samurai sword and I'll kill them and then be like, I was just making a sani sound. But you'd have to click, so you got to think about these things. If you've chopped his head off

and there's blood on the knife and then you cut the cheese, there'll be blood on the cheese and they'll go hang on, you've cut his head off first. Blood on the cheese. Cause you don't want to look like a psychopath do you? Going back from Mada to eating cheese.

Am I? Is that a Springsteen album? Yeah. Can I on, this is, I'm still pretty left wing and fucking everyone get on and everyone's fine. Do what you want. But I think if you invade a home, I should be able to bomb your head in. Yeah. As a deterrent. Oh, genuinely.

As in? I get the cheese. As in bomb? I just think once you're intruding my house, I should be able to do what I want. Okay. Like may there should be legal in my house if you've broken cruel, unusual punishment. You're not allowed to coax them in though.

Yeah. Yeah. You know that. I come now for some tea. Anyone fancy some cheese? Very, very finely. I do think you should be allowed to defend your home, family and yourself. Defend? That's the operative word, isn't it? Yeah, but like defend to the death.

Yeah, but if he's not attacking you, you kind of go at him with an axe. He's in my house! He's in my house! He's not attacking you, he's robbing you. That's an attack! Yeah, well, it's get out and if they don't get out, then you're allowed to chop them up. He's got his dick out, an axe, a cowboy hat, the lad's got to get out.

He's vulnerable, he's got his dick out. an axe, a cowboy hat, the lad's doesn't get out. He's vulnerable, he's vulnerable, he's got his dick out. I don't want to kill anybody. Is the thing right? Is, here's the thing. That's the problem with young men. I just don't want to hit anyone with an axe. Yeah. Is the thing, no.

I know that you do. I don't want to hit someone with an axe. You've told me before. No, there's people on the 62, M62, both of you, that are doing it with an axe. You've told me before. No, there's people on the 62, M62, both of you. No. And I did it with an axe. You've told me before that you've thought out and planned how you would get away with murder.

It's like there's a couple of people I'd kill. But if they were in your house. But not with an axe. No. It's you, like I've said. Poisoning. Go the female route. The end of an umbrella.

Oh. Do you know what? What he did in North Korea? By the way, this is the entire show. It's just Constantine the HD. North Korea, go. Kim Jong-un had an opposition. From bagelies to North Korea.

If North Korea is in your living room, you have every right to defend yourself. Is that fair? Reasonable force. Kim Jong-un. Cars find an umbrella. He had an opposition, he had an opposing guy, who he didn't like.

And this time he got to kill them. He set up a fake prank show. Pardon me, who's this? Kim Jong-un, the leader of North Korea. Right, so not just a random, right, yeah. Not just a random Korean guy, no. He set up a fake prank show, hired these two women to be on it, and they were like,

right, meet us at the airport, we're gonna do some pranks. And the prank was, get like stuff on your hands and go rub it on the faces of people, and be like, ah, you're a nobanks. And the prank was get like, um, like stuff on your hands and go rub it on the faces of people and be like, ah, you're a knobhead. And it was poison. And you would go and get him and he went over and rub this thing on his fellow's face. And he died six hours later. Sorry. The, the leader of the opposition in North Korea, there was no opposition. There's only one was like, I'm going to go on a game show. No, he was in an airport, just being in an airport, being a passenger.

And they hired these two women to go, I'll be silly and rub. To rub rice on on the face. And it was like poison that killed them in six hours. I like that you came in with rice in. You're like, I'm going to work out what it is. Does that, is that through skin contact? I don't know. Clever that.

It's the one. Being a bowler. Get some of my bowler on your hands. Rub it in. Who's got a bowler? Google that. What happened? What happened to the women? Take gloves on. This can't be true. Finn? It can't be true.

Is that not a bit of a red flag? We want you to go and rub something on someone, but first get gloved up. Don't run him! You don't want to run him! Rice really looks like coffee. Rice and does? Yeah, looks like coffee beans. I got bean to face. Google. North Korean face poison.

North Korean face poison. North Korean face poison. Yeah. The watch lists that we're on in this room, by the way. I was going to say. I was going to say. This is being flagged. What's his name?

Kim Jones, half brother. Oh, his brother. He ate his brother. Oh, his half brother. Go, his brother. Oh, brother. Oh, gosh. Come on Kim Jong, save it for Christmas dinner like the rest of us. Just have a few wines and call him a cunt. A normal person. Yeah. Kim Jong Nam. What did he do? He did him with the face, didn't he? Yeah. Nerve agent VX on his face. Nerve agent. I feel I'd be a good nerve agent as in I'd get on your nerves.

You just released Tiffany Stevenson. I'll never come back. I'll ask him some questions, will you? That's clever, isn't it? Because he always broke the law there. The women, they didn't know. And Kim Jong-un is the law. So it doesn't matter. It just, the reason I didn't really believe it initially is Kim Jong-un, don't

know whether you know about this, is notoriously quite a bad person. Brazen about it as well. And like you just think he'd just walk off me like bang, fucking bang. He didn't. He got these women to go, whoa. He's gone bond villain route. That feels quite, that feels like a proper bond plotline. Right. Yeah. Yeah. He's got a costume. He's got a style. Yeah. He's bought in actors. Yeah.

We mentioned this on, on a last week show, like the, I don't always believe everything we heard about North Korea because you know, we've got a reason to make sort of ruin this guy's reputation, you know, like Westerners. Yeah. And I don't know whether you've seen this, we got tagged in it a few times because I said I wanted to go to North Korea and film a Have It Word special over there. Oh my God.

And that was shot down as an idea that would get definitely one of us killed. Well, Selleck has said, not joking, you're not going to North Korea. What a job, Ofco. She's so controlling, isn't she? You need to be with someone who's not stopping you going to North Korea. Where are you going at this time? If anybody knows it, it'd be me who dies. But they're opening their own...

I've checked it out on TripAdvisor. They're opening their own version of Benidorm. They've got it all set up. They've got a beach. They've got all-inclusive bars. They've got, like, you know, fellas from Leeds trying to get you in for two-for-one shots. It's class. Ladies with gloves. Apparently it's just going to be Benidorm. There's a water park. There's already seven

water parks in North Korea, by the way. Enforced water parking. You've got to go down the slides at gunpoint. Does that really sound like such a bad life though? No. Like does that sound, let's just move there. Oh, guess what you've got to do. You've got to go on one of the seven water parks. Oh, sorry.

And then what's for tea? Mud. The mud thing isn't real. I've watched the documentary about a woman who lived there and she said we were that poor. They were starving. We had to eat mud. They were starving them, weren't they? Just take some scram at you.

He sent, Kim Jong Un sent someone on a fact-finding mission to Benidorm. Fuck off. What? It was Rob Thomas. I want to see that documentary. That should be on Bravo. That'd be fucking borat, but it's a North Korean guy in Benidorm. I have a shot.

I have a shot. Would borat, but it's a North Korean guy in Benidorm. I have a shot. I have a shot. Would you go though? If someone went, yeah, we're going to Benidorm to North Korea. Would you go? No. Well, I don't know that I'd go Benidorm to be honest. I know that's unfair. I haven't been to Benidorm, but I've been to Tenerife.

And that was- Tenerife is class though. Tenerife, you can have whatever holiday you want in Tenerife. I like Lanzarote. If I'm going Canaries- whatever holiday you want in Tenerife. I like Lanzarote. If I'm going to Canaries. What if you want to go skiing? What if you want to go, like you can have two types of holiday. You can have Veronica's and a rough drinking one or a slightly quieter version of that.

No but it caters for couples, families and friends. He's on the tourist boat. Is it your favourite of the Canaries? Because I like Lanzarote. Never done Lanzarote. I did Gran Canaria when I was a kid. And it's my earliest memory. But he thought he was in Mexico.

No. Was it that one? Didn't someone say you'd been to Mexico, but you just think Gran Canaria. Oh, there's a park. I don't know if they've got in, in Lanzarote, they've got a park that's like a Western. Oh no.

So maybe you went to something like that, that was had like Cowboys and the lands are not so special. I mean, I mean, as long as you wear trousers, I'm absolutely checking luggage. I fell off a Lilo in a pool when I was four. And it's my earliest memory. Cause I remember me auntie saving me life in the shallow end of the kids pool. So I think that just re- I feel like I want some sad music underneath that. Like-

Yeah. Yeah. I was talking to me therapist about it cause she asked me for me five earliest memories and she said it was notable that me parents weren't in any of them. Oh. That was really good. It's not funny doing sad music.

What is actually sad? What are your other memories? Vietnam. Like I think that was me. Kim Jong Un's brother. One was when I went to, so me parents are sort of in this one, but they're not in my picture of it.

You know the picture that your mind's eye. So when I, and it's a confab. Oh, first question. Are you in, so when you see the movie, are you in it or are you watching the film? No, I can see it through my eyes. Right, so you're associative. What's that mean?

Yeah, disassociative is where you're in it and you're watching it like a film that you're... That's just liars though, isn't it? Cause they've never seen it from that perspective. If you can see yourself, then it's a fake memory. I've got a confabulated memory like that. Minds, I've told you this before. When we went to see the house that I eventually grew up in,

the first couple of years of my life, we lived in me granddad's with me mum and dad. When we got a council house around the corner, the people who showed us around that house were the bad guys from Home Alone 3. But it wasn't, was it? It wasn't, but like in my, the memory I've got is- Pesci and-

No, no, Home Alone 3 is a different cast. Oh, is it? So it's not those guys. It's the best Home Alone cast, like, which again is a controversial opinion. The Home Alone 3 is the best one. Unger, Colonel Unger his name is. He showed me around. So 20 Kembsley Road, L14ONB.

Don't knock on. Yeah. I don't use to live here. I've got a question with this sort of thing. I was talking to my mum and she'd been talking in work and she said there was a couple of people in the office, she was one of them, that can't imagine something. Like when you close your eyes,

you can't, if you went picture. Dean Coughlin's got the same thing. Like if you say like red balloon, they think of the words, they can't just, yeah. It's a spectrum. So some people, if you say, think of a balloon, they think of like an uncoloured outline of a balloon. Some people think of like a cartoon balloon.

Some people can see like a really, like a sort of AI balloon. And some people can see like an actual real balloon. I can just see a balloon. Yeah. Like the ones you see. Yeah, cause I just remember a balloon. There's a word for it.

Yeah, I know there is. And some people just like, if you say to them, do you remember being on holiday? They know that they've been and they can tell you what happened, but they can't visualize getting on a plane. They can't visualize being on a beach date. So I can watch your memories like movies. Like I can. Yeah. She's got, I know your memory for something. That's amazing. Oh, I can. Yeah. No, as is in specials, minute level. It's, it's mad. My memory is awful. I couldn't conjure a memory from before I was 21.

Oh, that is, that is properly pucker. If you're in a relationship with you and you get into a row, bringing up stuff, you're like, yeah, do you not remember anything from school? I was being hyper hyperbolic there, but I couldn't remember anything from being a kid. Not really. I don't believe it because I've got a memory of me being in Florida with me and I'm like, I mean, you've never been in the car on a international drive and I'm coughing loads. I just remember coughing loads and told me now and she went, no, you've seen the video of you doing that. And then she showed me, I was like, that's the, that is the memory I've got, but it's not. It's the memory of watching the video. So I don't believe what you mean about the disassociative

thing. What do you see everything POV? Yeah, your associate, you see your in it, but if you're in it, it means you're dis disassociative. So it could be your outside of your body for whatever reason, or it could be, I don't know if it's linked to trauma or what the different things are, but, but, but, or it could just be how your brain works. I think there's associative and dissociative people. It's all that NLP sort of stuff. I find fascinating. I'm interested in that, how you can like rewire your brain and shit. I had that, that was when I was struggling mentally. I was having that, but in real time it's called derealism. You were seeing yourself.

You're like watching yourself. You're not in your body. Tiffy smokes a lot of weed as well. Just on autopilot and you're not there. And then you can later in the day go, Oh shit. Yeah, I did do that thing. But it wasn't, I wasn't there. It's like you weren't. Yeah. Right. Wasn't that a lasting effect of an asshole? Yeah, it was. Yeah. Never again. I thought it says I do disassociate from traumatic stuff that happened when I was a kid. Because when I talk about it, I talk about it like I'm telling you it's going to rain tomorrow. So like really like serious stuff from my childhood.

If I bring it up my therapist like, yeah, do you want to just, should we just stop here and rewind 40 seconds and I want you to say that again and listen to it as if someone you love is saying the same thing. Because it's awful, traumatic, it's emotion worthy. And you're like, yeah, and that happened. Yeah. So that's just survival, isn't it? But isn't that quite healthy? Yeah, I was going to say, isn't that quite healthy to be able to do that? Because if you dive into it every time, then you're just re-traumatising yourself.

It's a strong defence mechanism and there's a reason we've developed those defence mechanisms as humans is to protect us from bad things that have happened. But if you don't deal with it, you don't process it. So NLP get you to reprogram it. This isn't funny. I'm sorry. It's a bit deep. It's interesting. In NLP, what they do is they get you to... So the guy created that thought it's not useful to actually keep replaying the stuff because you stay in it. So he gets you to, so the guy created that thought it's not useful to actually keep replaying the stuff because you stay in it.

So he gets you to replay it in your mind and then it's like a film and then you see it in black and white and then you shrink it and then you have funny music coming so you take the power out of the interesting stuff. And it's like- There's so many different skills of psychology and so many different sorts of attitudes towards it.

And there was a guy on Stephen Bartlett's podcast the diary of the CEO. And there was a guy on Stephen Bartlett's podcast, the diary of the CEO, and he made a really interesting point that I've sort of been repeating and just making sure I'm giving the credit for it, is like if you've got trauma that you haven't dealt with properly at all, and that's obviously a way of dealing with it,

no amount of putting good things in your life are going to deal with the trauma. And the analogy he uses, he goes, if I give you a glass of water and then I piss in it, it doesn't matter how much sugar I put in it. It doesn't take the piss out. So unless you actually deal with the piss and find a way to get the piss out of the water. It's just piss. It's just piss. And with that in mind, can I send this coffee back? I found out there's a type of PTSD where your body feels it, but you're not necessarily

feeling it emotionally. There's a book called the body keeps the score. That's mad, isn't it? And it's all about how, where you store trauma in your body. Well, you, if you go for a massage and you've, you've, you ever had that, I didn't have like a massage until I was in my thirties. I'd never like had anything like that. I had a trapped sciatic nerve and then someone did a like sports massage on me. And then they went in just hit like in my lower back and I just started weeping and they were like,

yeah, that's that just released. And so there's all this stuff stored in your muscles and your body's a really clever. What stuff? What? Emotion? bodies are really clever. What stuff? What? Emotion? Emotion, memory. Emotion, no genuinely like your body like traps.

Like what? I thought I had a bad back. It turns out it's just guilt. Yeah. From 9-11, I don't know. No. You've got 9-11 you asshole. We didn't deal with some big things in your life.

Maybe it's that. Cause you know what? Yes, Carl, you're. We didn't deal with some big things in your life, maybe it's that. Because you know what? Yes, Carl, you're right. People cry when they get their backs cracked and shit like that, you know, where they go, oh, I felt like something's opened and it's not necessarily even a pain release. It's like a... A no. Jack Finnegan cracked my back, the photographer that you've met.

And I cried after that mainly because I was scared that he'd fucking kill me. He bare hugs you and goes, you can get real physical manifestations of trauma and anxiety and stress and all of it. And like, you know, when my health, when I first noticed and started like really paying attention to my hypochondria and health anxiety, it was chest pain. The chest pain was there, but it was caused by stuff in my brain. And like any sort of health, like I went for an MRI scan, and people who haven't seen my last hour of standup,

which is coming out as a special, very soon, keep an eye out. Like I went for an MRI scan to get diagnosed with something that I'd researched and knew that I had. The symptoms are very, very, very, very real. And they're there and they're physical and debilitating and they affect your life. But they're all from mental stuff. And it was my last therapy session was the first time my therapist sort of

managed to pull out where that's actually coming from and how it's been internalized from when I was a little kid. And the timeline of like when it started happening seriously and what came before that and whatever it is. So like, I don't want to bore anyone too much with it, but like, obviously I was very conscious of my eye when I was very young and I was picked on and bullied a lot for it.

And it really, really bothered me. And as I got older, it bothered me less. And it really started bothering me less once I spoke about it on stage. So I for the first like two or three or four years or whatever it was of doing stand up, three and a half years. I never mentioned my eye at all, ever. Right. And it was Rob Thomas, Rob Thomas,, hey, why have you never mentioned your eye? And I was like, cause I just do not see the human in it

at all, I just don't find it funny. And he was like, yeah, I'm not trying to be a cunt about this, but the audience do notice it and they are conscious of it. And you should probably just go, hey, by the way, I know about that. So- It's empowering, isn't it?

For the audience to know. He gets it. He knows so many comics. We're like, we're going to say the thing before you get to say the thing. I own it. I get to say it first. I make the joke about it. Then you don't that it is. Oh, yeah, yeah. Goes so many people have it.

Have you ever seen Stuart Mitchell? Yeah, yeah. You know, he's got the tips and he's fit and he like, he tells the story about it happening as well. But he's like, is that thing of just going just going I'm gonna reference the thing that I know Sometimes I do about having big boobs. I'm like the elephants in the room So I did that and as soon as I started joking about it on stage Anyone else making a comment or a joke or a dig about it never bothered me anymore immediately took ownership of it

or a joke or a dig about it, never bothered me anymore. Immediately took ownership of it. But six months after I started doing that is when my health anxiety really started, like, which is just too much of a coincidence. And what me therapist said to me was, when you're a little kid, you internalize your trauma as a story. You tell yourself a story about it,

and then you internalize it and you keep it locked away to try and protect yourself from it. And what you've internalized is there's something wrong with me. That's the story you've told yourself as a kid. There's something wrong with me. That's why people say things about me. That's why this is happening. There's something wrong with me. And for a long time you had what you believed the answer to that was, was my eye. And then you've took control of that back by joking about it on stage and come to a place of acceptance and gone That's not what's wrong with me, but you haven't untold yourself the story

So you think there's something wrong with you? you know, it's not your eye and what your health anxiety is doing is giving you a constant stream of Maybe it's this You've got a good therapist you mmm Well, it's good. Is it this? You've got a good therapist, you. Well, it's got to work on yourselves. You meet people who haven't worked on themselves and you go work on yourself. But comics, we're bad though,

because we think talking about our problems on stage is the same as dealing with them. And it's not. No. Yeah, like actually doing something about, I'm a bit of an asshole, you know, do a bit of that and then going, are you going to work on that now?

Or is it just being aware of it is not the same as doing something about it. We had a question in the first half where someone asked if you could, cause she started doing therapy, if you could take away one of your vices or character flaws for yourself, what would it be? What would yours be Tiff?

Oh, there's so many. I feel like I'm at my lateness, but I think that's linked to ADHD and just, I always say like, yeah, but I'm self diagnosed. But actually anyone by doing the quiz, you know, where I did attempted three different online ones and abandoned it four questions in to go make coffee and if I look at my school reports and my doctor from when I was a kid was like, she has trouble focusing. So I was, could be super smart. If it was something I was interested in, I was really good at it and you know, all of that. But now I think I've

got my lateness is I always say time for me is like a Salvador Dali painting. You know, it's all melted clock. Suddenly I'm in the middle of the desert and I'm like, I've got to be, I mean, I got here just on the wire, I think today. I'm always just on the wire or late. And I know it upsets people and annoys people. And no matter how much time I plan for myself, when I'm trying to get ready to get out, I'm always just like under this like thing of going, I've not given myself enough time. And I don't know how to fit. And I know that is an ADHD, it's an executive dysfunction, like, you know, planning stuff. So I'm good at starting scripts, I'll start writing and I'll get into stuff. And then when it comes to editing, I don't want to do that bit the energy for the

first bit of the thing I'm really good at. And then the consistency with following through. Yeah, and I probably should medicate myself. I don't want to. I don't want to. Here's the problem is I've got everything you've just said, and I'm not doing the medication thing. I'm just going to keep being like this, driving everyone else at the same time. Fine with it.

I just don't know if I want to, I watched an interesting podcast with Gabor Mate. Yeah. And he sort of said that he found out he was adult diagnosed and he went on and he was like for like five minutes it was good and then that brings a whole set of problems with it. So I try and do all of the meditation and yoga and all the other things that I know are good for me and I do them and I feel really great and then I start feeling great and I stop doing them and

then I have to get back into. I'm like that I'm like oh I feel good now stop and I'm like I'm going to need to do it again. Yeah. Why haven't I stopped doing it? Are you, and you have to treat it like, I've tried to start treating it like it's non-negotiable. This is a non-negotiable. I went on the carnival diet and stopped drinking for a month and looked and felt better than I have done at any point in my adult life.

I'm like, that was classed out. I deserve a pint. Yeah, that's a lot of you. And a sandwich with a samurai sword. You've met Freddie Mercury, haven't you? I wonder what's written down on that piece of paper that you've got. What? By the way, I'll never get over Harry's wording on the... We get like a little sheet just to like...

That conversation obviously went wide range and we're having a good time. But sometimes we have a guest in and you know, it takes a little bit of jogging, you know, you have to bring yourself up. So we just give us stuff and it's just as weird and every, and we bring it up every single week. When she was a child, she met Freddie Mercury and other celebrities. No, there's a conflation of stories that I think because when I was little, my dad was box office manager at Wembley stadium. Oh wow. So he was working there and I met John Moss from culture club. He's the drummer and and I met Annie Lennox. In fact, I was backstage with her before, I must've been like six or seven or something, you know, I sat and I laughed.

The Freddie Mercury thing is a separate thing of when Queen were playing Wembley. So this is my dad tells the story and I'm trying to still pull as many stories out of him while he remembers them as I can. But that, I mean, we told John Robbins this once and John Robbins was going nuts because he was such a big Queen fan that it was like Freddie's birthday and that a giant

penis shaped cake got delivered backstage at the yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So that I think is good. Oh, so you went there? No, I wasn't there for the penis shaped cake. No, six, six year old girls. I would have loved to have met Freddie Mercury. So the research should have said your dad's met Freddie Mercury. Yeah. Get some of that reflected glory there. My dad's met Freddie Mercury. Yeah.

So no, so that's what that was. They were like sort of mad, mad tales back from when, when he was there, like sort of, yeah, he was around. He did like a live aid and stuff like that. I can't believe he must've met someone like the most famous people ever then. Yeah, yeah, he did. And he was, he was, you know, we went to see some good stuff when he was there. That was nice. My, that my parents had a lot of friends then that when my dad got made redundant and didn't work for years and we were just living off, you know, my mom basically doing a cleaning job, all of them people disappeared. So you do learn quite a lot about how people see, you know,

what fair weather friends are. It's not useful anymore. Well, yeah, that's it. Like my dad was like at any gig that was on. So there was like horse of the year show, like ice skating, you know, like holiday on ice used to be in the snookers on it. You know, it's all at Wembley, you know, see for the conference center or the stadium or whatever else. So there were a lot of friends and like getting sent hampers at Christmas and, and stuff like that. Soon as the free tickets weren't there. And as soon as the free tickets went, there were a lot of people that just disappeared.

Same with my dad. Once he stopped painting and decorating, he didn't know from anyone. Never saw Freddie Mercury again. I painted a massive dick on that wall. Did it for cost. Yeah, I got some opportunities, you know, I might have painted the little woods building. I got to go in there before it opened before anyone. I loved little woods.

Yeah. So is that the one near TJ's? No, it's where Primark is, I think. That used to be Little Woods, didn't it? Oh yeah, I'm thinking that's near, oh yeah, I'm getting confabulated there. I remember that. You got confused with laser school wear. A confabulated memory.

I saw Freddie Mercury in that Little Woods. Yeah, pretty sure. Was that where Live Aid was? Laser school, I am getting mixed up with laser school wear. Did you used to get your stuff from laser school? No, because I wasn't a millionaire. What do you mean? My mum was like, I cost a million pounds

and now you've got to queue up for six days to get in. I think your mum was lying to you, Cal. We were as skint as anyone I knew growing up. I used to get mine from laser. I think she hated the queue. Hang on, for the non-scouts, what are you talking about? What famous school? Laser school.

School shop? Laser where? Is that not spread out of Liverpool? Oh mate, it's the most famous schoolware shop in all of the city. Laser? It survived the 2008 financial crisis. It survived 9-11 because it was selling children's cardigans. It's still there.

Yeah. It's still standing. Blazers at lasers? Yeah. The queues at Lowside Laser for the week are... No, I've got to go blazers at lasers. Blazers at lasers. Blazers at lasers. Yeah, yeah. The queues at Laotard laser for the week are... No, I've got to go blazers at lasers. Blazers at lasers. Blazers at lazer.

Oh, I can do accents. I'll do any. All the white ones. You're on the wrong bug, yeah. Okay then, that's a challenge. Kazakh. It's not white Karl, is it? No, is it? Fuck.

Other end of Asia. I was thinking more like around the UK, but I mean, is it? Yeah. No, is it? Fuck. It's the other end of Asia. I was thinking more like round the UK, but I mean, whatever, you know. Yeah, well, you've got your, you're married to Mr. Batali, so that's not as cheating. Yeah, well, my dad's Scottish as well. Ah, right, right. So I'm halfers. Okay, hard ones, if you can't do them. How's your Geordie?

Okay, depends on what type of Geordie you want, like. Uh, so I can do like a really high pitch, like kind of, or I can do a proper light bite a glove. Mickey mouse, Mickey mouse and Pluto. That's how you get an oil like a Cheryl call. So that would be describing anything as like you knocked that out of the park. You got on a wrecking ball and you smashed it in the next week, that kind of thing. Nice. What's another tricky one? How's your...

I like scouts. Adam's doing it again. What about someone from Devon who has lost all his family in a tornado and he's also just worked out that he has eight minutes to live goat if goat. He always does it, the accent's not enough. Adam needs to make an emotion. He needs backstory.

Is Devon, is that like pirate? Is it like Exeter? Is it like Cornwall? It's gotta be. Or like, that's more like bristle, isn't it? That's more like a Bristol accent. A man from Cardiff who spent a long time in Nottingham on a boat.

There you go. It's always... Okay. Alright, a man from Cardiff who spent a long time in Nottingham. I don't even know what a Nottingham accent is. Alright, my dog. That's my East Midlands. Because I'm married to one of them. Scruffians, the lot.

I've said it. I could do a black country yum yum. Oh nice. Oh wow. What's that? I'm starving. I mean a radish. Or a sort of Panda Pops Brummie.

You know, like a general Brummie. Yeah, I do like, I love them. I love Scouse accent. I love, I like the musicality of it American ones as well My favorite ever because sometimes I listen to like American radio shows to try and get what voices I played American in a film That came out last year darling. I'll tell you about it's about a killer sloth No, it's not the house. Do you know if you've not seen the trailer for this film? Was it in the cinemas? It was in the cinemas in America, babe.

Oh, wow. It was literally Barbie Oppenheimer, Slaughterhouse. Are you looking it up? Is it spelled Slaughterhouse? Yeah. Wow. As in it's a killer sloth. I'd be going to a different sloth. Like Slaughterhouse 5, you know, Slaughterhouse. So it's Slaughterhouse. And it's a play in American and it's set in a sorority.

You'll love it. What's not to love the sloth drives a car. It's the most fun I have ever had on a job. In Serbia. So it's like a proper Hollywood production because they did, cause it's cheaper. And so they flew like a team of like 10 puppeteers across like Jim Henson guy it people love it's got practical effects So it's like I describe it's like mean girls cross with gremlins So if that appeals to you will love this fit if you get baked and watch this film You'll have the best night. I think you should do slaughterhouse on the film

100% the Guardian described it as a masterpiece You'll have the best night of life. I think you should do Slaughterhouse on the film club. I reckon we should as well. 100%. The Guardian described it as a masterpiece. Praising its humour as tremendously funny. Tiff, you were in The Office? Yeah. That's well better. It is, but I was only in one episode of that and it was a long time ago, so it's not my most current work.

It's more than everyone else in this room combined. Well, having said that, The Office got me the part on People Just Do Nothing, because they're big fans of The Office. And you were in that a lot. You were in a whole couple of... All five seasons. Six. Oh no, there of the office. And you're in that a lot, you're in a whole couple. All five seasons, six, oh no, there were six seasons. Did you run the hairdressers, is that right? Yeah.

It's so weird seeing a mate who you've, it's funny watching something and then having a mate you've gigged with, I didn't know you were in it, and you just do that thing where you're just watching this show that you like and you're like, oh, that's tough. Like it's such a weird little imbalance of what you're watching. It takes you out of the reality so much. Oh really? Yeah, because it's so believable. You won't have it with this because

I'm American in this. So Miss Mayflower is like the house mother of the sorority. So I feel it's quite different. Everyone watches it. It's like, oh, she's like Jennifer Coolidge. I love Jennifer Coolidge. So it's that I'm in my Coolidge era. I'm in my peak Coolidge, you know, when she did like, I think we're a similar age. It's when she did like American pie and what's, um, she might have been a bit younger than me. And she was in a legally blonde and stuff. She's just great and everything. She's Jennifer Coolidge in every single thing. She's just brilliant in best in show. Best. We both like soup. Oh, we can talk and not talk for hours. You have so much in common. We could talk and not talk for hours. I met her at the fringe one year. She was there. She was great. Is she just exactly how you think she's going to be?

She said to me, she came to see my show because we did this thing called celebrity autobiography together, which was great fun. It was just literally reading out the pages of celebrities autobiographies. You don't have to change anything because most of them are so bonkers. So I was like one of the regular cast and I think it was like George Wendt, so Norm from Cheers, me, Bridget Christie, James Lance, who's in Partridge and Alan Partridge and stuff. And then they would have different people come in and like Jennifer Coolidge came in and we

just read bits out of, you know, so I would do that. We had Jordan and Peter Andre and they would read those opposite each other like different bits. And then we had, um, still Vesta Stallone just listening to the contents of his fridge. It's very funny. You don't, you just read it out loud and it's just, it's bonkers. Um, so I met her through that, but she came to see my show and she, obviously some American producers had said to Jennifer Coolidge, go to Edinburgh. They'll love you.

You don't even have to do anything because Americans think that the fringes as celebrity obsessed as everything is there, you know? So she came to my show and she's like, Oh my God, you, this is so clever. I got a couple of knock, knock jokes. I don't even know. So she just like done an audience with and that like these American producers are going to, there's people are coming out and reviewing the structure of the show and you're like, don't review the shit. It's fucking Jennifer Coolidge. She doesn't need reviewing. Like if you want to go see like, cause she's amazing. Yeah. And, but, but I find they do that a lot with American stars. Did she win a golden globe in the last few years?

She did for white lotus. No, she won the golden boot in the premier league. She won the golden boot. Which she claimed for white lotus. She won the golden boot in the premier league. She won the golden boot. She beat her baby out. Which she claimed for Swansea. She's playing a character called Tanya, which I like, I played Tanya and people just do nothing and I played the Tanya in game face as well. So I've done two Tanya's. I'm two Tanya's deep.

Have you seen the guy? It sounds great. Do you know the guy in training day who is playing cards when he leaves Jake in? He's too cold in Breaking Bad. Shit pushed in. Yeah him. Too cold yeah. Do you know in almost every role he's ever played he's called Hector. Oh we're thinking different people.

He's played Hector like... He's a Mexican gang banger. Yeah. Every time. It looks like now that he's going, hey I'll'll do the role, but could you change the names? Hector? Like you don't need me to be called Ramon. He has been doing that. Yeah. That's been why it's happened. It has happened for a few times in a row. And then he was like, just if you can't just call me. He's in Blue Storm Lady. I've played. He jumps up his ass. Monkey climbs out of his ass and No, monkey climbs out of his ass. And then jumps back up and again. And then chases him down an alleyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I've played three hairdressers though. One from Bolton, one from Bournemouth and then West London. People do it so mind-boggling. Same show? Different, no, different, different. Three different hairdressers, two Tanya's. I'd love to get into acting one day, you know. Well, Tiff's, Tanya's.

You look like Grindr. He looks a bit MC Grindr, doesn't he? Oh, you could, yeah. He's got a little bit of MC Grindr. I'm trying to think of what they did in the, you might look like the guy that's in the American one. They did an American version. They did a pilot of people just do nothing. Well, I think they did it.

It was like EDM music. So like the whole thing about the UK one is it's UK garage and it's such a niche specific. By the way, every time they're on Radio One Extra, they're fucking brilliant because Grindr can actually MC. It's good. Well, and you know, Hugo, you know Hugo who plays beats. He's like a Ivan Avello award-winning music producer. No. Yeah.

Shut up. That's what we did before. So it was like, they're all mates. Guys, I know no one's really into it, but you've watched people just do nothing. I've watched a bit of it, yeah. Oh, I love it. It's so good.

So he's a proper like- He got out of the taxi, he was in London, he got out and we're on Regent Street or shaft one of those ones You know when you're in like the that bit of the West End and he got out and he's got he's Like when he's not playing around he literally has your hair and I clocked him and I nearly went Just through fucking in like instinct and they went don't be that prick that shouts They lean into it because they were like do DJ sets at festivals and stuff and and Do big like raves and stuff like that. They like created a whole

They're so clever. They cut created a whole empire around you. It's you're under me. Yeah, I'm not in that let's not mention it They didn't take they didn't take Tanya didn't take Tanya to Japan no cuz it ended the way the series spoiler Ended was that they were like Mish was leaving and they were moving out of Brentford It was because I'm from West London originally, so I'm not burrow revealing So it's like so close to and we actually shot near where Nathan Cain grew up It's like all the West London people we know all the I've been to that hairdressers I think and have my hair down there before we shot anything in it I used to stay around there when I gigged at Headliners in Chiswick.

It's near Kew Gardens, isn't it? It's across the river. And I was there and I was like, I parked up and I recognized some tower blocks. I was like, oh my God, this is the bit of Brentford that they've literally filmed. So, Brentford, Hamwell, Ealing, all around there. But what's really mad is I think it was like series three or maybe four. It was when we did the Hendoo, the like, um, and it had gone from being this thing that's like originally I auditioned for the roof, roof Bratz part of Roche. Um, and didn't get it.

And then I went back and they were like, we sort of created this for you. And, um, yeah, so I came in on the second series and then it was three or four and we were filming on an estate in West London. And we pulled that they figured out when they got out the car, people like screaming their name out the flats, like the Beatles had turned up. It was insane. I've never seen anything like that before since. It's like, Grindr, Grindr, beats, beats, me. And I was like, this is mental.

That's what you were saying, me then. Me. Me. Me. Could you imagine? Could you imagine? Could you imagine? Yeah.

But that was, I was like, Oh, that's a moment. It feels like a, it's feel like a moment and a move like this cultural. Yeah. But you can't film in Brentford anymore because you're too famous in Brentford. Yeah. Yeah. What's it like being part of the office? And I only have one episode. I was great. Yeah. You were great in it. And I like, that's my mastermind subject of UK office. I love it. I really so much. Yeah. It was again, I auditioned for a different part for, for that. Um, and it was for the character that, um, I think she was called Donna. She was the friend of Ricky Gervais's daughter. She's played by, yeah.

Yeah. Work experience. Yeah. Yeah. So I auditioned for that and I didn't get it. And then my agent come back and went, Oh, they want you to do, I wouldn't do it, darling. Yeah. So I auditioned for that and I didn't get it and then my agent come back and went Oh, they want you to do I wouldn't do it darling this agent at the time She was like, it's just too small and you don't want to be this bit part, which is such terrible advice By the way, like because there's no small parts. They say only small actors, but you never know and I've read the scripts And I loved them so much. I knew it was funny. I was like I really think this could be something She she sort of advised me against doing it and I was like now I do it. So we turned up, we filmed at this nightclub in Kingston upon Thames, which I think is called, is it called reflex? It's called reflex in real life. I don't know what it's called. Chases in the yeah, it was called reflex. And Ricky

was like, it was Ricky's first acting thing. So he was all like, is this all right? Is this drunk act? You know, he was sort of asking all the actors like, what was Ricky's first acting thing. So he was all like, is this all right? Is this drunk act? You know, he was sort of asking all the actors like, what'd you reckon? Yeah, and we just, we had a good time. It was really fun. Everyone on it was really funny. Is it the iconic scene where Gareth disappears

in the sidecar? Yes. Yeah, as when he in the sidecar. It's the last shot. And you leave with Finchie, don't you? Yeah, yeah. Well, they sprung that on us. They were like, poor Ralph.

He's like, he's doing amazing now. He's in Hollywood. He's in a superhero movie. One of the best voices in Hollywood, doesn't it? Like he's, he does a lot of voiceovers. Yeah. I was watching the commitments last night. Yeah. So he's, he threw on us. Anyway, it was just a kissing scene and we'd been, we'd both been drinking coffee and he'd been smoking fags and we were like, okay, well we've got to do this because you know, you've got to, you don't go in tongues, but you've got to sort of discuss how you're going to do it. Like I did one with Greg. Is there like an agreement or how we're going to do this?

Yeah. I mean, they have like intimacy coordinators now, but I feel that's more like for sex scenes, but I did one for like, you know, Joe Wilkinson sing the cock fields and it was me and Greg McHugh and we, I feel like I was his wife, but I was like a, I was very controlling of him. So I turn up at the pub and I'm like railing him out and then he comes around the corner and then we just start passion. But I was like, I, but he's, you know, he was sort of like, I let you lead it, but you have to sort of negotiate how that's going to happen. And I was like, I think it's really funny if she pins you up against the wall, like, and goes at you. Um, so, but yeah, you have to have a discussion about how you're going

to do it and how that's going to play so that you don't really get any surprises, you know? It happened with Johnny Depp, I remember heard, didn't it? They had a role together before they met and then they had this kissing scene and it was like that, you know, no tongues, let's keep it. And he just went full tongues and he was just kissing for real. They acted like the director yelled, Courtney kissed

and then that night they got together for the first time. Right, right. Yeah. Yeah, you got to sort of make it look like yeah, mouth is on the mouth and you have to have enough movement. There is an intimacy coordinator now. Is that a thing?

That's been the past few years, hasn't it? Because they're so worried about, yeah, okay, right, right. About someone doing my job, you get to. Yeah. Well, it ended well. Ended well, didn't it. Let's have a break everyone. Yes, fuck we're done in an hour.

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Tiff, you walked in on me in the toilet, didn't you? Yes, so that was my first. Was that in here? That was, yeah. Wasn't in here, yeah. Wasn't at home. I mean, we were in the. I literally walked in, Karl was sat in the toilet and I said, we'll say you're having

a sit down we and you said I am. I was. Were you shitting? No, I was genuinely having a sit down way. But you didn't lock the door to be. So I have, I talk about this because I walked in on my husband and then I, cause he hadn't locked the door. You know, that's the, that's the form, right? You'd go in. But I would never open, I would never not knock on a closed bathroom door. And that's my fault for not locking it. That is on me. But I would never, I would never not knock on a closed bathroom door. Not to my fault for not locking it, that is on me. But I would always just give it a little knock anyway.

That is absolute fucking horse shit. You do not go in there and just knock on the door before you go in. It's never closed without somebody in it. Why would that door be closed without somebody in it? Unless you're in it, how do you know that? Four table bollocks. The disabled one.

If a bathroom door's closed, I will just walk in. No, if it's got a lock on it, you try the handle, you don't knock unless the lock is busted. Most people would go like, I'll try it. Not only is Tiff right, but you're lying. I'm not. Sorry, I forgot you walk behind me when I go to the toilet. You're just a liar. It was your fault, but I enjoyed myself. So that's good. People having sit down wheeze with a locked door. So that was what I did. I walked in on on my husband and I said, Oh my God, are you taking a shit? And he went, no,

just cheating myself to reset. Don't tinkle. And I like the idea of treating yourself to it. Like it's a, you know. Never has he sounded sexier. Yeah. Why do men do that when they get older? Is it a prostate thing? What's going on? No, you get to sit down.

Just have a sitting down. I've got an aim issue as well, as I get older. I'm armish. No, I'm a shoe. Armish shoe. A shoe. Yeah, a shoe. Sandals? Yeah, we could put sit down. We could put...

We can not. No, sit down wheeze I don't think, but I think... I once walked into the bathroom and Laura was doing a standup wheeze. And that was, I found that very empowering. Leg on the sink. Oh no. I do sit down wheeze obviously in the night times

because I can't see where my piss is going. And all I know I'm pissing on the semen. You know what I mean? Is that on the street? That makes sense as well. Do you ever, do you ever like not switch the full light on? Like try and put, cause I, if a whole light. In the middle of the night I'm not putting any light on. No, cause it wakes you up too much.

So you go. Is the light in my toilet? My toilet is lit up. You have? What? Within it? You just don't, I bought you it and you've got it. Oh you mean that? I thought you meant the bathroom. Have you got one of those Japanese

toilets? Yes I bought him one for Christmas. Oh really? It's been a while. These haters because we talk about it all the time. Two things I love, you know, and I just love talking talking about him. Cabbage Chinese popping Chinese popping Chinese. That slams that landing hasn't it? Yeah we've both, I mean he doesn't play us anymore but I've got a very very good time. I once tried to do an influencer video, I was at the Londoner doing a corporate and I thought I'd do like one of these influencers so I was going around my room and then I sat on the toilet and pressed all the buttons, Add my trousers up, obviously pleather trousers. And I just shot water all over them. Yeah. From the Japanese. It was a Japanese toilet. There's angles.

There's lady care. There's it dries you heat you. I listen, I think a little butthole rinse. It's the best thing. You know, when you go, if you go to the middle East, they've got the bum gun and you just, I feel like everywhere should have it. Although I, I can do, this is a thing I would like to put in the room is people who take jokes that you do online literally. So I was in a hotel room and I went, Oh, I took a picture of a bidet and I put, Oh look, I found in my hotel room, they've got a cute little cat bath. It was just a stupid joke. And the amount of people that came on and explained to me what a

bidet was. And then it was like, Oh, British person doesn't understand what bidets are. Isn't that the whole point of Twitter though? Everyone taking everything at face value and getting angry. I am in a hotel room. Do you know the thing that like, it like bops out for you to put your case on. I tweeted that ages ago and I put, you know, these little things in hotel rooms that no one knows what the for that actually are really handy place to put your suitcase and open it up. And you know, to people who reply and just go, that is what it's for. You're fucking idiot.

Like, is it? Wow. What else would you like in room 102, Tiff? Can I phrase this as a question and then you'll get what I'm saying. Has anyone ever had someone ask them how their meal is when they don't have a mouthful of food? Because I want to put in someone coming over, I've literally put the first mouthful in my gob and someone's going, how's your meal? That's on purpose. Yeah, they do. It's on purpose.

So that you can't complain. in my gob and someone's going, how's your meal? That's on purpose. Yeah, they do. I thought they did on purpose. So that you can't complain. So here's what I'd actually go one step further than just when you've got the mouth full of food. I think everyone just needs to grow up a little bit, right? And here's the new rule. Don't check on me with my meal at all. Give me the dinner.

And if there's anything wrong with it, I'll tell you. I'll tell you. Yeah. And everyone else who's too much of a little gimp to say to a waiter, hey, there's a dog poo on my plate sir, and I didn't order that. You've got to grow a pair of whatever cojones you want

and be able to say to service staff, hey, I know you've got a difficult job and I'm sure this is a mistake, but I ordered the lamb and this is a tuna fish. Or a dog shit. Yeah. You shouldn't wait for someone to come and check on you. This is poo. Just don't check on me. But it's an American, it's an Americanism, I think, that we've caught and it makes sense

in America because they are going to constantly ask you because if you don't tip them, they're not getting paid. So they're doing everything, but it's infected it here. And like literally yesterday, it was like, coat brasserie that I was eating, and the guy come over and I'd literally had it a minute and it was in my mouth and he was like, how's your meal? And I was like, and he looked at me, waiting for me to swallow and answer.

And I was like, take the hint. Like, I actually think we should be allowed to spit it out. If they ask when you go, what was that? Say that again. Yeah, no, it's lovely. Yeah. Yeah. That bite was lovely. That sounds like something they do on a way. Sunny. That sounds like a, that sounds like a Dennis and Charlie plot line of like, if they ask you, you're allowed to flop it out at them. They've got a whole episode where they just start spitting at people, haven't they?

But yeah, that is very irritating to me. Stop asking us, we'll tell you never to bother. Yeah. We just went for lunch and that was the perfect level of customer service, wasn't it? Yeah. We were the only people in there for a bit though. Yeah, I know, but he then didn't use the fact

that no one else was there to just bother us. Perfect balance of like, and just to the point when we were ready to pay, I looked up and he was over there and he was making eye contact. Cause he fancied me. It was an elite lunch. Same sort of vibes. I probably said this one before, but overzealous shop stuff. You know when you walk into a shop and like, Hey, you know what I need some work. Yeah. I'm just having a look. Oh, let us know if you need any other sizes. I know.

Yeah, you get stuck or when you get stuck. You need me to go in the back and get you the other size, other shoes. Yeah, I know you haven't just got these ones. All right, this is the one legged shoe shop. In fact, yes it is. It is the one legged shoe shop. You're so able.

Although I'm in the wrong place. Don't mind me. What else you got, Tiv? Tights. Ooh. I sew a couple of things. What are they for? What are tights for? To keep ladies legs warm in the wintertime. Why don't we wear trousers? Wear celipettes.

Yeah. They want to show their legs as well. I think they were invented by a man or you can tell they were because I can never find a pair that either hanging around my knees or choking me. Those are the two options. I can never get a pair. Also tights contain the word gusset, which is inherently unsexy or reinforced gusset is worse. Stockings have got a bit of, like, you know, that's a bit of sauciness to that, I suppose, but types are just the greatest inventions into the spoon.

Since the spoon? Yeah, nothing in between. No, the spoon and fishnet stockings and then the iPad. Yeah, fishnet's not before spoons. No, I always end up, I struggle with fish net because I always end up with my big toe poking out like some kind of cheese, like cheese cutter. Like, they've always got, it depends on how big the fish nets are and stuff. I mean, fair play if you can make them look sexy. I look like dolphin free tuna. That's how I end up looking in the fish net tights.

One of my favourite little, you know when you have a little simple pleasure and I haven't thought about it until now is when I see my wife at a point where she's getting ready for a proper night out, that point mid makeup, quite not quite dressed up where she's got her underwear on, the tights are on, there's no bra. It's at the point where you have to have been married for a while before you even see that visual. It's a weird, like the line of the tights is really high. That's how you know you're loved in a relationship, that you even see that.

There's no one who's casually dating is seeing that. Yeah, and you like it though, cause the boobs are out. Yeah. You sort of, you know, the boobs are out. Surprise boobs are the best boobs. How are you with that, with your husband? I asked for a flash yesterday. Laura was just like, can I have a flash? She went, that's not allowed in it. I know you're a lady, but we never tired of seeing boobs, even if it's the same boobs. Oh no, no, no. No. My husband's like, I'm, I'm going to look if they're, you know you're getting changed, or if you're getting into that, I'm going to. Yeah.

It's like, you know the meerkats that. Yeah. Yeah. Cause we spent all of our childhood going, imagine if you could just see tits. Imagine if you were allowed to see boobs. And then you get to be an adult and you're like, oh, I am. And sometimes you can go, hey, can I see your boobs?

I think on my death bed, I might ask for a flash. Yeah. Just be like, oh, now you're going to miss me. I should love language. Yeah. Just be like, I know you're going to miss me. I should love language. Yeah. Lord has got to outlive you for that to happen by the way. That can't just be the nurse. No, there's rules about that.

Youthilized. Oh, so it's in three years. I'd like to see some Swiss tits. Weird pointy things. By the way, spoons are invented in prehistoric times. So yeah, but when we're fish nets involved, cause there was some dirty girls back in the dark ages planes and like all the good things. All right. You're right. Is that what you want? You win. Nothing. I don't want, there's another underwear that can go in as well. Actually Spanx spat

like just call them fat redistribution pants. There's supposed to be like tummy control but all they end up doing is pushing a weird roll up to another part of your body. I'm like, you don't do what you say. Free yourself. Any women listen to free yourself from the Spanx because they don't work. What is Spanx? Is it just like tight? Like Kim Kardashian's got one called skims. She just bought out male skims. Don't buy men, seriously, don't start buying restricted, a man in a girdle. Yeah.

It's a futuristic girdle, innit? Yeah, it will be. But see, like, I want to get sucked in with me dress, so I'm all like, it's like an undercover gusset, not gusset. Corset. Corset. Yeah, but it's not even a,

it's not even a sort of corset. It's normally for the, for this bit here, the older. Mons Pubis. No, that's further. Mons Pubis is like the top. I love that. So it sounds like a character from Star Wars. Yes, it does.

Mons Pubis. But yeah, it's supposed to flatten it all out, but it has to go somewhere, right? So it just pops up in another place. So I think they're the most pointless thing and we get like, I've never had a pair that I've gone, Oh, I feel this is working. That hasn't made me feel uncomfortable. I'm like, Oh, I'm in 10 minutes now if I want to go for a piss, cause I've got to roll these down. Oh yeah. That's a nightmare. Also clocking, do you know in Mrs. Doubtfire, where Robin Williams is his brother's like,

oh my God, I'm gonna do your makeup. And they in the body suit, every time Laura's in Spanx, I think of Mrs. Doubtfire, I think of Robin Williams in the old woman's suit. Cause it's a weird- Especially if they're flesh colored. Oh, they're all, I thought that's what they were always worth. Well, now they kind of do, you can sort of get black.

They've tried to coordinate into like you could get matching black undies and you know, but yeah, the majority of them were they're going to be flesh colored so that you can wear them underneath any kind of thing or sheer or whatever. And would that be an egg if you like went back to a guy's house and he had male spanks off? Yeah, it would be an ick. Yeah. It would be an ick. Yeah?

You're going to get yourself comfy on the bed, I'm going to take me spanks off and then... Massive cycling shorts, they go all over the place. A male girdle is a thing that they do that I've heard of before. I've got to confess, that's the fourth time someone's said girdle and I don't know what a girdle is. It's the old fashioned thing that goes over your tummy and they tighten it up at the back with strings. You're the corset, you're the corset.

Oh yeah, like a corset. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah. So you want us to put women's underwear in room 102? No, just Spanx. What was the first one? What was the first one?

Tights. Tights. Tights, stockings, everyone likes, that's a bit of fun, bit of sexy. Tights specifically. Tights are the, that's a bit of fun, bit of sexy. Yeah. Tights specifically, tights are the ones that have the gusset contained. They go from foot up to up to tits. Listen, I can't argue, but...

I don't think you're going to get any opposition in this room. Because we're all on your side. Go women. I am. I think I'm a stockingsman. Is this a win for feminism? I've just won something. Yes, 100%.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Free, free yourself a win for feminism. I've just won something. 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Free yourself from the spank. We just don't feel like we're in a position to argue. No, I don't wear them anymore. So it's different, you know? Yeah. Not anymore. Shall we do some advice? Go on.

I've just not. Started dancing randomly. If you want some advice, have a wordpod at gmail.com. If you want it really done. They can see we're all, you know, driving. And they're like, you know what? I want to be like them. This is from Anonymous, got a rough one for you. Oh great.

We have the best friend who is honestly one of the soundest lads, so we can't just get rid of him, but his breath absolutely stinks. It's been getting worse recently and I always thought it would be easy to be straight with someone in a situation like this, but now I'm here, I can't handle the cringe.

But if he shouts his crap breath into my face on the night out one more time, I'm gonna spew. What should I do? Buy him a dental care subscription for Christmas. Oh, that's nice. Have you just made up a dental care subscription service? Like my dentist, this isn't hashtag not an ad, does a, you can pay a yearly or monthly subscription and you get a set amount of.

Height and smiles. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You get like money off your care and shit. It's good. So this is, this fits into, I have this theory that passive aggressive Christmas presents.

My sister bought me like tweezers three years on the trot. I'm not joking. And I was like, are you trying to say that my eyebrows, what's going on? My sister bought me like tweezers three years on the trot. I'm not joking. And I was like, are you trying to say that my eyebrows or what's going on? I don't know if she remembered, but I was like, this feels like you're trying to say something now.

And the last pair had a little light on them. She's obviously not going to. What kind of dog shit Christmas present is this? Just tweezers? Yeah, it was like a set, but like one was like, but it increased year upon year. So that eventually I got ones with a light on it Yeah, it was like a set, but like one was like, but it increased year upon year so that eventually I got ones with a light on it. So it was like a battery powered,

they were all like beauty kits things, but I was like the main thing in it was the tweezer. I've wrapped four of my Christmas presents for this year already, wrapped yours. I haven't even thought about even buying you, I didn't even want to get you. I'm so glad we don't do company Christmas like we used to. It was getting out of hand there.

My favourite passive aggressive gift, my nan before she passed away, bought my mum a think yourself thin book for her birthday. They were that close. And she was just like, I think you should think you could do with this. Saw this and thought of you. What did your mom say?

Just kind of half laughed it off. Yeah. She couldn't say anything in her mouth was full of cake. She started reading. I got a minimizer bra from an ex-boyfriend's mom. What's that? Why would you want that? See how you're instantly confused because,

because men hear that and they go, sounds like you're trying to make. Like a sports bra? No, it's spanks for your tits. Breast appears smaller. Why would you want that? Exactly. So that sucks you in. Yeah, it like makes your boobs appear smaller than what they are. So it's basically strap them down your hoe. Like that was what I felt like when I got it. I was like, you've brought me a minimizer bra. Like, what am I supposed to do? That's like a pair of footy boots that slow you down. Yeah or like dick minimizing pants like you know what like I've got loads of them.

Well Adam doesn't wear any so you know you're already one up. Who buys people's bras for Christmas that's wild. It is weird isn't it to get underwear from in-laws. I feel there's yeah in-laws is mad. Have you ever worn a Sereka on any undies? Mons pubis minimizers. Girls, get your mound away. I feel like I get it wrong. She knows how to look great so I'll just let her do it. I'll be like wear that and then it'll be, I don't know.

Do you know Karl, when he answers questions about Sereka, he gets it right so often doesn't he? No wonder girls are like, oh my god I want want to be loved like fucking Carl loves Serika. No, she just looks beautiful. She knows what to do. So I just support her through that. Yeah.

I do think men could have bras for their balls. As you get older, I'd love to see your bollocks. Dandy, they're out. No, but I've been told like to keep going. Like they don't stop like your knees and your nose. Yeah, but mine started high. So they're now just at a normal level. I had a really tight purse. Skin tight.

When I was a young man, like a little fucking hairy walnut whip back in the day. And now you dunk them in the toilet water. Now they're slapping around my knees. I've got a decent hang on them. But like, if it gets cold, they go up like the wheels on a plane. Yeah. Rhinosack. Give a round of applause for all the Americans.

Like once within the Hermes, woo. Have you ever seen old man's bollocks? Yeah, every time I'm in the changing room of a gym, when I'm asking to see him. Rich Hall's got a great story about being in a gym and an old man just like drying his nuts under the hand dryer. Really? Yeah.

Like leg up, going for it. I'm all for like genuinely, I think if you get to that age, not that I'm all for like I'm like happy about it, but like I think if you're that age, if I get to like 80 odd and my balls are like tickling me ankles, I don't care that Rich Hall's there writing a standup routine. I need to try me bollocks, you know what I mean? I think you get to that age and just be like- Flip one over each shoulder.

They do go low though, don't they? I don't know. They can go low like fucking like a little Newton's cradle. Yeah, yeah. Gravity, gravity is a, you know, I've said this before, but I think women, because a friend of mine who worked in a hotel in Vegas was saying that men used to come down and complain about the toilet water height changing. And it was clear that they'd been going there for years and before they'd balls weren't touching the water and now, and what I, what I'm interested about there is that, that these men go to, well, it's not my aging body. It's something there's a tear in the space time continuum.

The toilet water fairies been in, she's topped that up. So that's what, and I wish women could be like that. I wish we could be as unaware of our aging bodies as men are. It's almost like a superpower. Yeah, just go to Marks and Spencer's for a bra fitting and be like, listen, you've turned the gravity on too much. Yeah. Because these girls. Yeah. It is a lot of that old age stuff is gravity.

All the girls are wearing bras that don't fit them. That's what I've been told. Oh, really? Yeah. And then they go, oh, that's the way it sounds. I like that you added this, so I've been told on that. That's my experience of working in the bra bits of Marks and Spencers. And just advice wise, I think we dealt with it

with the smelly comedian. You just go an anonymous care package. Just bought them a Keith Carter, and you let them know. If you are going to tell them, don't, don't roar it to them in the middle of the club or the bar. Do it, do it in a side at home. Like a little, just do a little like, or when you're sat there, if it's just the two of you, cause that's how I would do it. I would be like, Oh, do you want a chewing gum? Your breath stinks. Like, you know, like kind of like

that. Jokey. Jokey. Yeah. Oh, if you don't want them to know it's you and you think you might recognize your handwriting, cut the letters out of a newspaper You know like a threatening letter. Yeah, send them that with your breath stinks This is one of your closest friends. Don't want you to know which one of us it is because then we don't want to fall out Sort your breath out go to the This is getting like the plot of the bodyguard Yeah This is getting like the plot of the bodyguard. Yeah Like bad breath is one of my big little it's one of a worry and I am saying now as I get older And I'm a dad and I feel dad breath is coming

Genuinely, I'm giving you the right to go a your breath honks just suck money mints Thanks, mate. Oh, do you not I know I'm old. I'm not more even old. I'm just checking Yeah, When you're in the car, if you get to that Murrayman is stop you getting car sick. I'm what I meant. I didn't say worth his original. We said Murrayman. He knows exactly what I'm talking about. I was like, Oh, I just do that. And it made me feel a bit old. But then we bought them on tour and they were great. Remember the cherry ones and we hit them and then found them again. It was one of the best ones? And we ate them and then found them again,

it was one of the best moments. In the tin. Do you like the assorted mints, where you got like a heart, like a hamburg, then it gets chewy in the middle, a Marie mint. And also I'm a thousand years old now. Do you know yesterday I had one of the best moments of my entire life where I decided not to go to the cinema.

I was planning all night, I was like, I'm gonna go and see Joker, I'm gonna go to the cinema. Anyway. Oh, yeah. I was planning all night. I was like, I'm gonna go and see Joker. I'm gonna go and see Joker. I've heard it's got mixed reviews. Most people are saying it's shit, but a few people who I respect are going, this is incredible, and you just have to watch it for what it's trying to be,

not for what it isn't. And I was like, you know what? I'm interested to see which side I fall on. I bet you I'm on the it's shite side, but I'm interested to find out. And then as that time was like closing in, I was like, hmm, I just, hmm, ah, no. I'm getting in bed and I got fish and chips from Andy's.

I drove all the way to Lark Lane for writing. I saw your car, I was trying to ask. I mean, I mean. The joy of canceling. Did you remember to tell the person that you were meeting at the cinema or was this a solo trip? Yeah, fine.

Yeah. I love the side not to go somewhere. It's better than going. Oh yeah. You'd hate cancelling a plan. Oh, it's unbelievable. Sorry, Tiff. One sec.

You'd hate joke. I'd hate it. Why? I just, I just know that you'd absolutely despise it. Same way. It's a musical, isn't it? Yes. You won't like it.

Go and watch it. You won't like it. Why won't I like it? Without spoilers. He thinks you're quite judgmental of shite. No, I think you'll just... You either love something or hate it. There's no... Did you like it? I liked it. I didn't love it. I've heard some reviews that say it's the new commitments. I'm going now.

Have you... What did you think of the first one? I liked it. the new commitments. So I'm going now. Have you, what did you think of the first one? I liked it. I liked it. Have you seen King of Comedy? No. Okay. It's just that again. It is in it. Yeah. And I love and I liked the first Joker. Yeah. King of Comedy is Rupert Pupkin is Robert De Niro and Sandra Bernhardt is phenomenal film. So I felt like it was a bit of an homage to that. So that was like interested to see where the next one. I hadn't seen it yet. It was a producer, I think on the first one. Right, yeah.

Because it owed so much to it. Right, oh okay. So knowingly kind of. It's a remake without it being a remake. Well, it's like, what if that was a comic book film? All right. Kind of. Interesting. One more and then we'll get the fuck out of here. David Evans says bit of a weird one, What if that was a comic book film? Oh, right. Kind of.

One more and then we'll get the fuck out of here. David Evans says bit of a weird one, but do you guys have any advice how to deal with a horny Mrs.? I know it could be way worse. Like if she rarely wanted the D, but I feel like she's on heat all the time. And if I ever say I'm not in the mood,

she gets in a mood. What are you supposed to do here, lads? That's from David Evans. Buy some toys and get good at using them. I'd go to lovefunny.co.uk and use code word... AFF-20. That's what I'd do. Yeah, just off the top of our heads, I think that's a great idea.

LAUGHTER What a life you're living, Dave. Must be nice. That is a... You know, that is a first world problem. What, she wants too much sex? Yeah. Yeah, but then if you don't want it and then you're unsatisfied, she's unsatisfied, then it's a big problem.

She might go elsewhere, so I think it's quite a big problem. Yeah. It's not like, oh, she wants to dick all the time, how bad's that? If you're not always in the mood for it, there is just stuff you can do to help you know what toys yeah face them all while she goes... You're being sexy, Ed. Like, you could take up rugby and just go out while she's sorting herself out. What did you just say?

That's the best bit of advice ever. Oh, my God. Did you just say take up rugby? A sport that you don't like or respect? Take up rugby? You don't like or respect him, either? Who the fuck is Mrs...? Uh...

Uh, no. Why would you just leave the room? That was such a horrific, facing the wall while she knocks one out in the corner. Just over and making a bit of bean casserole, have you just. So shit. In my head, leaving the room isn't an option. Someone just farted.

In my head, him leaving the room isn't an option. I'm imagining that in a studio flat. Why? Oh, sorry. There was some text. Hello, we live in a studio flat. Otherwise, why is he not just going to play FIFA and letting his missus have a wank? Because she wants this.

Because she wants sex. It's not the same, I can assure you. Maybe if she wants intimacy, then like what you're saying, I think invite him to bring... Yeah. The rugby team. The backup, recruit, no, like the toys, are you saying, but I was going to refer to them as reserves.

Yeah. The army reserves or whatever. There you go, he's a big whatever yeah the air cadets in try try and get into it selfish fuck maybe needs to change themselves so he's got more of a sex drive what's the press and change your diet yeah oh god you sponsored by blue chew as well is this where this is going now not ohously not. Oh really? Okay. Don't need it. Carl's just virile. Just ring Carl, he'll come round and sort you out. I won't.

Sort him out. Carl will play rugby with you. Face the wall son. Carl will play rugby with you. The Spanish height and 15. I feel robbed. It's not like a terrorist group. Just that is now going to be my image on the train home today.

It's just going to be a black and white film of Dan facing the wall. I can send you one of those. Unspeakable things go on the other side of it. Tiff, before we go, I believe you've got a special coming up soon. And anything else you want to plug, including your socials, just reel them off. Go for it. Yes. So I'm on Instagram active Stevenson comic do follow me there because I have no idea how the algorithm works I'm basically now a slave to this thing that's like a needy child that

constantly wants feed in but yeah so follow me there but I'm doing Nottingham Comedy Festival I think that's November the third. Class. I'm doing the Comedy Store, which is next year, March 8th. I've got a few tour dates up and around the place. I think I'm in Brighton in March next year. I'm December at the Monkey Barrel. I think we're recording that. We're recording the show. And I have got the specials.

So we're just, I'm waiting for the release date, but that'll be coming. So if you go to my Instagram, it's probably the easiest. If you follow Tiff on social Instagram, you will not be able to miss it. And she's a class comedian. Go and watch her stuff. Oh, thanks guys. I will have news in the next week or two about my special. It will be coming out in the next couple of months. That's all I can say for now. And that's it. Finn, hello. Any of your friends want to do a little song? Is it not your song? No. We don't know. It was last week. You're saying again. Well, thanks for the response to my tune. It's been great. It's been some lovely comments. Thank you very much. It's a stroke

my ego a little bit. Last plug for my gig. It's Saturday, the 26th of October, Jack around the Baltic, very special guest guitarist dropping in for a song. It's me. Well, it is not. It was a very special guest. It's Adam. No, he's not special anymore. It is me though. I know I've seen you play. He's had six weeks. He's learned this week. We've got my good mate, Caden Nolan. His new single proved me wrong. We've played him a few times. It's like a funk rock. It's good. It's really good. Oh, if we plug in music, can I plug my stepson's band? We'll put them on another episode. Yeah. They're like they're 17. They're so good. They're called April most likely. And they've got a couple streaming

stuff and they've really got them on. We'll put them on next week. Yeah. Yeah. Tiff will actually play the track at the end of the amazing amazing. So yeah, it's Kaelan Nolan with his song Prove Me Wrong. Is he doing it as a DJ now? You just can't believe what's coming off their tongue If you wanna be free, then come along Come and breathe our lives to be in secret song Cause the people around here might lose their mind Amateurs like kryptonite, scratching around for a sign of life No, you might not find it, but that's alright You won't find none of that around here The safety times of yesteryear

Trying to be clean when they're on the gear I'll live in it, I'll stay up here And I Feel like I'm always running so proven right And I Still believe in the might that's so divine And I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I still alive, I guess that's enough To qualify for the universal search Why can't we all thrive? Is it better within? It's so hard to concentrate when the walls are paper thin Cause we're all tagging around with a point to prove

Shaking like a brand new parachute Struggling down for a cheeky boost We all wanna win and we'll probably lose You won't find none of that round here But we are one and one is nil We're knockin' on your thoughts tonight With the confidence that someone is right Just singin' a song, prove that I'm wrong So stayin' alive with that texture Just singin' a song, won't be too wrong Come on and prove me wrong I feel like I'm always right, it's all proven right

And I still believe in like I'm always running so breath and ride And I, I still believe in the might that's so divine