Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #3 of Have A Word (in Dan's Home Studio) w/Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale

Episode Date: January 23, 2020

The third epsiode of our new podcast. Check out the vidoes on social and YouTube. Spread the word. It's goona be a beast. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh my good grief, it's Havawad with Adam and Dan. I like how this is episode 3 and we've actually recorded a few in the back before I got here this is the first time I've got here and your baby's not here but the potty step is still out in your bathroom you're virtually the only person

that visits this fucking house mate we're an hour from my family and my sister's allergic to motorways we're an hour from my family and my my sister's allergic to motorways my we're two hours from my wife's family uh the only person we know in chester is danny mac and he's not coming around anytime soon honestly you're probably one of the only visitors and i don't care what you think about the place that i was like it might as like yeah i don't adam's been here three times so the the veneer of giving a shit has disappeared and now i'm just like it's just probably gonna get worse as this podcast grows this house will

be a fucking state every time you visit you i'm loving the podcast but that smell could you sort that out but is it for you what is the the baby left the house is it for me it's like you're six foot nine i saw this giant adam i'm five foot eight um yeah it's uh the little little fucking step up she still doesn't she does that she she goes i need a wee or i need a poo and then comes to find us to tell us you're like let's work this the fuck out don't walk past the toilet to come and find us to tell us you need the toilet. So that's why it's all set up ready for it to go. I still do that with my missus. Just let her know.

Not for her to come with me. You can go up to her and go, hold my hand. Just go in and go, hey, I'm going for a poo. In case you're wondering where I'm going to be for the next 25 minutes. I saw your tweet. I saw your tweet today. Which one? Like, last night, you were like...

Oh, I went for a poo, and I sat there scrolling for so long that my PlayStation turned itself off. Like, it went on to standby mode. Yeah. I was playing FIFA, and I got to the end of the game, and I was like, I do it, dropping the old kids off at the pool here. And I went, I was just, I just got lost in like a Facebook,

Twitter, Instagram, scrolly rabbit hole. Can I ask a question? Cause I do not, I do not do social media when I'm tweeting. When you, when you,

yeah, sorry. That's a stupid little euphemism that we've got in this house. It's a great way going. I really need a big tweet. If you just say tweet instead instead of shit you can a say shit in front of kids and also you can say it in polite company like oh we need to get home because i've got a big tweet coming but i don't i literally don't use the phone how do you have you finished has everything been done have you flushed or is it well you sat there in the stench going oh god

facebook's really smelly today it's it's literally from like as soon as i sat down i'll just go on my phone and then a period of time will pass and i'll be like i think that's everything that needed to come on and i'll put my phone on the little stand that's in the bathroom yeah so it's out the way um enough and then i'll wipe my bum i'll have a look at the paper see how much all right all right um giving me the full fucking low down if i need another wipe i'll do another wipe um my routine it tends to be toilet roll toilet toilet roll, baby wipe, toilet roll, baby wipe, toilet roll. What? You're a fucking one-man environmental crisis.

My routine tends to be toilet roll, toilet roll, cry, toilet roll, scream for help, toilet roll, toilet roll, 112, baby wipe, Ajax. Do you not have a baby wipe on your nose? It's Florida. It's Florida. baby wife yeah Ajax do you not have a little baby wife on your house it's a flora google the symptoms lie down do you not have a baby wife the flushables

the old flushables I'm still I just like I'm sure I'll have to go on to the flushables soon because of me missus

you don't have the flushables no huggies these you buy like multi-packs, huggies mate. These? You buy like multi-packs of huggies. It's not that house.

Are you renting? I'm renting, yeah. Yeah, for shit mate. If it gets blocked, we'll just get a new toilet. That's the,

the absolute worst thing that can happen is that the landlord comes round and goes, go out and have a new toilet. Right, yeah. Yeah,

no, I do, I might get a nice clean bum. I, I love that you've got this system. You said it to me, like, there wasn't even a funny bit.

You were looking at me going, Dan, I'm going to let you in. I'm going to share something with you. This is my system. Baby wipe, baby wipe, toilet paper, toilet paper. Toilet paper, toilet paper,

baby wipe, toilet paper, baby wipe, toilet paper. You got it wrong, Dan. You need to, you get most of it off of the toilet paper, then wet it, more toilet paper, wet it again, toilet paper. You got it wrong, Dan. You need to get most of it off of the toilet paper, then wet it, more toilet paper, wet it again, toilet paper to finish, done.

That is actually... It's gross, but it's actually quite a good system. I just react in the moment, do you know what I mean? If you do one of those Gillian McKeith ones where you just squeeze it out, it's perfect, you're like, oh my God, did that... You know the ghost, where you're like, oh! See, I haven't passed a solid since the late 90s okay so when were you born the early 90s you said that like you're in year four

you stay off you stay off that step that step is for a perfect start to episode three i'm just gonna take i'm I'm going to up it. This morning, my daughter was like, Daddy, Daddy, I need a poo, came to find me. Where's she from? She's Asian.

I've adopted an Asian child. Daddy, Daddy, I need a poo. Does it? Yeah. While you're causing environmental disasters, I'm adopting Bangladeshi children I love

You weren't trying to do that You were trying to do An actual impression of your Daddy daddy I need you I'm going to have to record my child talking She's like You're making to record my child talking. She's like, daddy, daddy. You're making me remember my child more Asian than she is.

Daddy, daddy. She's Israeli now. Daddy, I need to do poo in the bathroom. Can you get me your step, please? Daddy, get fucking step. You want Russian child, you watch Russian shit. Made of metal. That was so funny.

Yeah. And pops her on there. Yeah. And then she goes, don't look at me. In an accent. You can pick which one it was. So you have to put her there. She won't use the step. You have to place her there. She in position then if you look her she's like you don't look at me

you know my russian bangladesh bangladeshi child uh and so i was like right fine look away aggressive little fucker then she got bored of waiting for the poo when i don't need a poo got off the toilet went to find her mum that's two rooms away then when i need a poo. Got off the toilet. Went to find her mum. That's two rooms away. Then went, I need a poo. And that is a terrible, that's a terrible, I even knew what was about to happen.

I went, Etta, get to the toilet. She took two steps. I gotta get to the job. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I love Schwarzenegger and his really his really child it's okay I need a pool get into the bathroom get into the bathroom

she shot on the landing she took two steps towards the bathroom and then squatted a little bit and looked at me like what can I do man what can I do

I know you're going to be annoyed but what can I do about this I was fucking fuming? I know you're going to be annoyed, but what can I do about this? I was fucking fuming. And Laura's like, it's all right, love. Oh, it's fine. I'm like, it's not all right.

She's just shat on the landing. She was on the, that's a dick move, isn't it? I'm on the toilet. Nah, I'm fine. Who's cleaning that up? Because it's not me. Don't clean this shit.

Drunk me can relate to that. I've, I've, you can relate to material. Just being like, what do you want me to do? It's happened now, isn't it?

That's what, that drives people mad about me. Cause it's like, we were talking last week about that car crash, right? That doesn't, big things that have gone wrong, don't affect me,

but I get really mad at small things yeah but as soon as something's happened i can just be like right well we've got to move on gotta try and just get past this now whereas most normal humans want to be angry or upset when something shit has happened right so if i do something really bad jade will be like what the fuck are you doing why have you done this what the fuck's going on i'll be like look you're getting pissed off is not going to help anything is it

it's done now it's happened now it's done now I've set the house on fire the dog's dead we're relocating it's time to start looking at the funeral

you shouting at me is just not helping doesn't save the dog dog's not going back to life because you're pissed off what a brilliant annoying way to look at it

yeah I've really fucked up but can we just move past that now yeah what's the point in you being pissed off what a brilliant annoying way to look at it yeah i've really fucked up but can we just move past that now yeah i mean what's the point in you being pissed off at me it's not gonna mean i haven't done it but i think there will be people listening going to stop you doing it the next time but there's everything about your vibe is not being like i got bollocked i'll never do that again yeah and this is about y'all yeah um i think i think at some point um one of our missus's will end up being like a cameo guest on one of these and jade lance a lot of this stuff because she gets so angry at me like the amount of times she's had to tell me when you leave the bathroom

turn that light off and i get annoyed that she's telling me i'm like i know that that's what you want me to do i'm still not doing it am i which means you telling me again isn't helping she's like so what you want me to do just shut up about it like yeah that would actually be ideal i'll turn it off a war of attrition i'll turn it off when i remember i know that that's what you want me to do you're not you're not telling me any new information yet you would like that light to be turned off i I know. But sometimes I forget. All the time.

Literally every time. Do you pay the lighting bill? Yeah. That's a tricky one as well, because you want to be like, look, I'm paying for it. We're staying on. Yeah.

Does she get fuming? She used to get really angry with stuff like this, but I think she's slowly accepting that I'm just an absolute liability she's either she's either about two months from dumping you or she's just like started yoga i'm all right with it now i think she's just like she's got to the point now where she's realized who she's got into bed with and she's either gonna stay in the bed or get the fuck out of it like because I think she's slowly like, I think we're three years in now, just over three years in. And I think the first year of a relationship is just blissful ignorance.

And it's like, oh no, do you know what? He's got these two little things that annoy me, but it's just, I love him. And everything else that he does makes those, I can just, I can let it go. And then year two is like, I can probably train them out of him. I can get rid of them. love him and everything else that he does makes those and i can just i can let it go yeah and then year two is like i can probably train them out of him i can get rid of them and year three is like why isn't he fucking changing anything and then year four which we're now into is i've either got to accept that he's never going to change and stay around or fuck off you've got she's basically that she's at that crossroads going he i think he might be a

bell end yeah am i just gonna be like he's my bell end or i'm gonna try and find a less bell endy bloke he's a useless twat but he's my useless detached you are from it as well you're at the crossroads like it's your choice love but i am definitely still gonna be a bell end why can't you change adam no that's not part of the that of the... That's not one of the roads. It's just not going to happen. I know myself too well. I've tried to be a different person, and it's just...

I've tried to, like, care about recycling. I'll do it, because she wants me to, and she cries if I don't. But, like, I don't care. I don't care. I could not give a fuck whether this goes in that box or that one. It's such a role reversal

because I'm always booting off about recycling. Like, Laura's just like, I'll recycle today, tomorrow, couldn't give a shit. And it winds me up. But, right. I think I should be with Jade. Do you want to do a wife swap?

Me and Laura just living in shit with a baby shitting all over the house. Daddy, daddy, daddy I shit Listen, I'm not your fucking dad And I've shit as well Get in the shit Daddy, daddy I want to shit on the landing I'm shitting on the landing right now

Me and Jay just like really unhappy But with all the recycling in the right place She texts Adam Oh Oh god me and jay just like really unhappy but with all the recycling in the right place she texted adam oh oh god yeah i uh yeah look i am who i am and i am jesus christ this is and welcome to the survivors podcast every one of our guests has been through something terrible i'm like i am who i am and i am not changing and i'm gonna fight this and get through it you're right week 12 of x-men when you view it you vote and figures have gone down i am who i am and i'm not going to change the public they can react to whether they like me or not

yeah but just stop being racist no I've got a Bangladeshi child you don't even know me wow I think if you split up with Jade your dating profile I think you're already at the point of suck suck my balls

that I'd love to see your dating profile just slightly older could you imagine just wording to see your dating profile just slightly older could you imagine just wording that in a dating profile on like match.com right listen

I am who I am sometimes I don't turn the bathroom light on and I don't fucking recycle sometimes I shit on a landing call me do you like balance

I tell you what though I really want to meet the woman who replies to that. That'd be great. No shit's given dating app. The no shit's given dating app. Listen. No shit's given, except on the land. No shit's cleaned.

No shit's given where shit should be given. If I have to go again, look, I mean, I've been married as long as you've been with Jay, basically. Been with Laura five years. We've been married three and a half, coming up to four. And if I have to go again,

there's not going to be any... I like... I do comedy, and I do some podcasts, and I just love reading and breathing in and out. I'm not doing any of that. I'm going to just be more honest.

I masturbate a lot. And that's fine, isn't it? I don't want to sleep next to you. I want separate rooms. No bullwaters. I just don't want to sleep next to someone that scares children when they snore. I think it'd be good.

I think it'd be a healthier way of starting it. Just be like, listen. I think we've just invented a million dollar idea there the honest dating app the honest dating you just like because obviously most dating apps are full of shit i don't think like you yeah every photo you pick five photos they're all from the best angle or you doing the most adventurous things you've ever done i used to have a bit about it every third third picture was skydiving. Skydiving. Being a guy with skiing. I'm an adventurer. And I think this one should be, that you have to upload,

first photo you have to upload is when you accidentally open the reverse angle on your camera. That should have to be your profile picture. Yes, mate. So this is what I look like from where you're going to see if you're ever sucking me there this is exactly how you're gonna see my face we'll have an algorithm on the thing

that refuses to accept camera angles that are above your head you've got to take a picture from low below if you do take one from above your head, your dick has gotta be in it so it looks as small as it possibly can you're allowed to put a dick pic head, your dick has got to be in it so it looks as small as it possibly can. Yeah, you're allowed to put a dick pic on,

but it's not allowed to be erect. It's got to be a cold day. You've got to have a thermometer next to it and go, this is the reality. You've got to be in the shower where they set a cold. It's got to be on the coldest setting. So you don't like one of those handle showers where it's like this.

It's got to be all the wayest setting. So, you know, like one of those handle showers where it's like this. Yeah. It's got to be all the way cold, maximum. Yeah. Right? Actually, that's got to be a video. It's got to be on for a minute. So we see your dick shrinking. From where you fluffed it up right down to the noose of a dick you've got.

And then we need a testimonial from at least two exes two exes because who are you going to get a more honest opinion of yep and I reckon from

anyone who's ever complained about you at work anyone you work with who doesn't like you Sandra yeah he's always got

his desk messy he's always late but doesn't turn the bathroom fucking I honestly think this could be A really unsuccessful waste of money Yeah

I like it I really like it And you've got to put what you're into And not into sexually as well Just be honest Just be like listen You know you're a freak Get it out

I like picture porn Picture porn I really do Sometimes Honestly it's about 50% of my out i like picture porn picture porn i really do sometimes honestly it's about 50 of my porn use is picture porn cartoons not cartoons just photos i just videos i'm like i just i don't want to hear them and then all of a sudden so what do you imagine they sound like so just nice and peaceful nice peaceful wank quiet i love the the idea of like that you've got a picture of a woman with like two dicks in her mouth one in an ass one in each hand and you're just like she's like serenity no there's no there's nothing no music there's no music i don't have any music on i'm just like that seems really nice and peaceful gangbang silent gangbang new gangbang jade asked me a while back about uh

porn and that i remember she was like i did a bit about this for a while um because she initially she was like can i have the password to your phone i said no and she goes you're cheating on me i said no why did she ask for that what to do with fucking security check no it was just for something else yeah but because I went

no give us it I'll log in are you cheating on me I went no she went well why can't I have the password if you've got nothing to hide I said I'm not cheating on you

I didn't say I've got nothing to hide it's a very different thing like I'm in whatsapp groups that would end my career yeah and me porn search and she was like well why don't you tell me what you're searching for It's a very different thing. Like I'm in WhatsApp groups that would end my career. Yeah.

And me porn search. And she was like, well, why don't you tell me what you're searching for on porn? And then maybe we can do it. I was like, I don't want to do the things I watch. No. We don't even know any midgets. I don't know that many black guys. Also, there's that thing of like, let's watch together.

No. No. It's watch together No No It's weird No Because I do I like black guy porn I do And I don't want my wife to be like Same here

Me too I know a lad We were talking about this On a nice house a few years ago We were like He goes I can't watch porn Just got a black dick in it i went why

and he went because you know it doesn't look like mine i can't imagine it's mine i went i've seen your dick in the showers lads and doesn't look like any of the white dicks how much of a narcissist do you have to be to be like i need to watch porn with the same size penis as mine like he's got a maggie. Like, he's got a tiny willy, so he can't possibly imagine, unless he has a fantasy, before his wank where he's, like, gone through surgery. At the start of every wank, he's just sat there like,

yeah, so, yeah, Doctor, I just want, like, nine. If you can get me nine, that'd be great. See, that's where me and him differ, because I've got a big black cock, so it's just the same nine if you get me nine that'd be great see that's where we me and him differ because i've got a big black cock so it's just a lot of people say as a five foot eight white guy from preston lancashire it's quite surprised yeah that you have an 11 inch king donger but that's me what hashtag blessed king donger i don't know what i just said we should start giving these episodes titles, you know, and this should be called King Donger,

the Bangladeshi child. Photoshop me with a fucking King Donger, the Bangladeshi child. Oh, JJ. What have you been up to since... Just waiting for this conversation, mate. That's what I've been up to. It's the last week of your life.

Yeah, man. I was in Sheff for this conversation, mate. That's what I've been up to. It's actually the last week of your life. Yeah, man. I was in Sheffield this weekend, and it started snowing as I was driving over Snake Pass from Manchester to Sheffield. I think after that car crash I had, if that happened on Snake Pass now, I think I'd just stop for a bit. Yeah.

Get out, and I might start putting a tent in the back of my car. Yeah. Well, a mate of ours, a circuit comedian called Steve Chaniasky, if you've not seen, he's absolutely superb. He's a fisherman. Loves it.

He's the kind of guy who would watch porn with no sound. He just loves a bit of peace and quiet. And he, it's one of his favourite things is to just go fishing. I was like, who with?

He was like, look to me like, are you fucking mad? On my own. And he has all this fishing kit he got stuck in snow on the m6 this is about six or seven years ago and someone had a horrific crash they closed the road and it was snowing and they were like you he was there for six seven hours like he was it was ages and he had all this uh this, like, like a fishing sleeping bag

and all sorts in the back. And he was fine. And I spoke to him afterwards. He was like, honestly, all comics should have that. Because we do. I do 35,000, 40,000 miles a year or whatever. In the winter, that's really sensible.

I hope your insurance company aren't listening to this because that's not what's listed, is it? What? I'm a writer. I just use it for socialising How many miles a year do you do? I do it three times round the block

I occasionally go to Asda and then I come home I walk to all of my shows In Peterborough, Norwich Where's the car parked overnight? In a bunker Secure bunker Surrounded by

Barbed wire armed guards he said big black dicks something on my mind and he got he got stuck there and he was basically just said

to everyone I think he spoke to a few people he was like you need some stuff in your car so I do that now I've got like a

I've got like a an old winter coat that looks minging with a with a just some shit in the boot in the winter but what do you do if you're driving over a road and it starts snowing i like the idea of like pulling over let's just be safe what he just dumps it down you're like i should have kept going now it's worse and they're like did you skid and why are you off the road i stopped because it was scary so i just slowed it down

still got overtaken by some absolute bell whiff who was like come on we've got to get where we're going fucking idiot he he overtook me so dangerously that if i'd have seen him spun out over the top on the peak district i'd have driven past and just like just giving him a 15 mile an hour finger just going like like, this is, fuck you, die here, because you deserve it. Give a shit.

I hope you're not with the AA. Can you get reception? Fuck no. Neither can I, so I'm not dying as well. So I drove into Sheffield. I said to the- Isn't it mad how the emasculation of being overtaken can make you that angry?

You want another human dead? Listen, it sounds really uncaring. It's snowing on one of the most dangerous roads in the UK. There's literally,

every time I drive on State Pass, it's like a mobile florist every half mile because some motorbike guy's gone, yeah, I'll just rev it into that fucking wall. It's horrific.

It's a dangerous road. If you're such a dick that you cannot see that it's a dangerous condition, go, I need to get to Sheffield quicker. He overtook me. He could have taken me out. It sounds really unfeeling, but if he'd been in the ditch looking at me like, dude, are you going to help?

I'd be like, no, I'm just going to keep crawling by. No, I'm taking your phone. There's no reception up here i guess you're gonna have to bobsled down motherfucker and uh then we got to the gig i was like i'm not gonna do the snake pass stay over so in sheffield at the last laugh it's where the gig is i don't know who's bought the house i don't know if someone who runs the gig has inherited the house but they have a house they're like you don't need a hotel we'll put you up in this house oh i've stayed in that it's toby owns it right right yeah so toby foster

who runs the gig in in sheffield i've heard about this house where everyone goes yeah on the face of it sounds really nice because like you can stay in our house it's free and and sometimes staying in houses sounds better than like some like really heartless sort of premiere in or whatever like you know when you're in a hotel you're like this is grim mate it's where fucking people top themselves and it's about 20 minutes outside of sheffield isn't it it's basically in rotherham which is fucking false advertising i got so far away that if i lived there i would consider sometimes not doing that gig it was midnight it was complete it was pitch black the house has obviously been not been touched decorated the kitchen's about five years

old everything else is bare 1980s like even 1990 there was a point on saturday afternoon i was sat there going this is like time travel nothing in this room is less than 20 years old. I got in, I just spent that, I spent 24 hours in a weird, like safe. That's what it felt like. A safe house.

It felt like you're in witness protection and you've just, you've just literally seen a mob boss get off the road and swing through the window. Come on, we're going to get to the fucking gig. You've been, you've been named, you've been fingered. I just honestly spent the weirdest 24 hours

in a fucking three-bedroom semi-detached in Rotherham. And Scott Bennett was like, oh, yeah, I've heard that's called the murder house. And I was like, I got there and went, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It does feel like it. I stayed in there one night with Jade.

It was, yeah, because I was like, gigging in Sheffield, putting up an open house, trying to come up oh yeah eggy it was on

was she not happy it's fine isn't it it was that's the way it was fine so what we did was she actually met me there

because I'd gigged somewhere else the night before so she drove all the way to Sheffield on her own to that house to Rotherham and in Sheffield night before. So she drove all the way to Sheffield on her own to that house. To Rotherham.

And in Sheffield, you're not alone. She drove all the way to Carlisle and met me at that house. And the next day, we didn't want to stay in the house. So I only stayed the Friday night. And the Saturday we spent just going around Sheffield, we did the thing they do. The museum and that. Yeah, yeah. But when you've got your partner coming to gigs and staying over you you learn that don't you like you i laura

comes to me with me to birmingham sometimes to the glee because they put you in a nice hotel and you're like darling huh yeah if you were doing a date night away so it'd be the hotel but she'd be like well done this is nice bookings. com brilliant but um that was that's not one you want to show off to you i wouldn't take your missus yeah um i am i tell you where's great for that for a little stay over there's newcastle because in newcastle everything's cheap as fuck right because most of the people in newcastle are from newcastle so you can get like a four-star banging hotel for like 70 quid for the night. Right, yeah, yeah.

On a Saturday. I was in Newcastle on Saturday. Well, I did first tour show of the year. It was great as well. So anyone who's listening who's from up there, thanks for coming out and selling such a big venue. I was quite blown away by it. And it's a great, the Customs House is an awesome room as well.

It was phenomenal. Brilliant room. And shouts to Lauren Patterson, who came down and opened it for me um and she smashed it as well just like i asked her to do she's local local girl like i told some people lauren was opening like why have you done that like why have you got lauren opening for you in newcastle and i was like because she'll smash it and they were like like you you did Liverpool for me this year well the end of last year

and a couple of people were like you've got Dan opening for you and he's going to destroy it I'm like I want him to and then I'll destroy it

as well yeah you know what it's because comedians are fucking pussies it's limp dick yeah pathetic

it's shower dick it's our dating app shower dick attitude that it's oh but what if he does better than make my own show well then you shouldn't have your own show yeah like how have you got your own show you should be better than most they're there to see you and lauren smashed it but then the audience was so good for me um i hadn't done the show for like three or

four months since the end of the first leg of the tour and um i thought i said to jason the promoter jason cork and the comic who like promotes it for me i said this might come in short it might be like a little 50 minute thing this it was like an hour and 27 or something amazing just kept finding new areas of the bits that because like i haven't said them for a while and you bring i was like you've never explored this angle and I felt so comfortable with the crowd that I was like I can go on a two minute tangent here and if it goes nowhere

I can just go to the next bit and it was really great so thanks for that Do you feel a difference when you're playing because I've supported you at the at the big like thousand seater in Liverpool at the it's not the main arena is it

it's the like ballroom or whatever they call it it's the auditorium arena is it it's the like ballroom or whatever they call it it's the auditorium what did they call it it's the it's sponsored by now so it was the it's the M&S Bank Arena

auditorium right and it holds I think 13 50 or something like that I walked on

because like it ended great but there was a real five minutes of, who the fuck is this band? That's all tour support, though, isn't it? Yeah, that's all tour support.

How does it feel from your point of view when you know, not maybe the auditorium gig because that was such a massive gig, how does it feel like this on Saturday at the Customs House when you've got a crowd, what's it like, it's about 400 there? 440, I think it holds, yeah. And when they're totally on board, how does that feel? Because I've genuinely never done a tour show

in a gig that big. It's, I said this to Freddie Quinn the other night, another comic who, like, we were just talking about how our weekend had gone and that. This Saturday in South Shields was actually the most comfortable I've ever felt doing my own tour show. So because of the way my sort of career is going, every year seems to be sort of...

I change tour venues because they go up by like 50 seats or whatever, especially in Liverpool. I've never done the same tour venue two years in a row. So one year we did the Holiday Inn, then we did the Unity Theatre which is about 180 then we went up to the Hot Water Comedy Club which was 200 then we did the Epstein Theatre which was 380 and then we did the Auditorium which is just over a thousand or whatever yeah and that's pretty good growth by the way numbers wise I don't know if you you know you need to do your Rachel Riley math in about five years you're going to be playing Anfield It's phenomenal

and I'm very very grateful for the support from my own sister obviously it is easier as a scouse in Liverpool because Liverpool is so parochial, he's one of ours get behind him, he's one of ours and that's also a big part of why Paul Smith's doing so well as well is the scouse support

but I've now done the last three years on tour I've done that room at the customs house because a few years ago that room was too big for my tour really but because of how Jason has built a few of us up in that area as his acts and like he's put us on a lot and he's gone to his audience, keep coming back and seeing them. It meant I could fill that room a couple of years ago. So I know the room really well. I know the audience really well. Yeah.

And over a 20 minute set now, at any comedy club in the UK, I'm very, very confident in myself. Cause I'm like, I can swat this. Like I know the ins and outs of me 20 love the words comics use i can fucking slap this in the balls yeah because you're the same

over 20 minutes you're like this i'm i do this so often that i'm really comfortable with it and i think people outside of comedy don't realize that doing an hour is a totally different skill it's not like just doing three 20 minute sets it's a totally different thing in an hour and 20 odd is totally um and i just felt at the weekend i knew they were all there for me and it was the first time i was real like i'm struggling to articulate it but i think i've just figured out how to say it like when i played that room at the auditorium in liverpool that you opened for me, I'm sort of constantly fighting a battle in my own head with like, oh my God, look how many people are here to see you. Look at this room.

Drink this in. Remember this moment. Look at all these people. This might never happen again. Oh my God, look at this room. And while you're doing your set, that is sort of a running thing in the back of your head. And that's not total focus really, is it but just the show in live bill was still amazing but

there's still that there and it means that i don't really remember the whole show because you you're a little bit distracted by your own brain sometimes but because i've played this room so many times i remember pretty much every second i sat there at the minute and i know what i said and where i said it and how i said it and a few times in my head I've been like that was that was like doing a club set for me the comfort level wise and I just felt good with it well you're like a you're like a professional footballer in your third fourth season aren't you you're like exactly you're like oh yeah yeah and now I get to now you I don't have to worry about the the of like, who's watching? God, everyone's going to be tweeting. This is on, it's so many people,

friends and family are in the stadium. You just start doing what you do. That first season, I mean, some footballers and whatever, sportsmen, they just have that click. But I'm sure it takes a bit of like, you're a bit of a rabbit in the headlights a bit. So what you're describing is just that, like you're on the third or fourth round.

So next time you do the auditorium or bigger, you'll be like, yeah, yeah, I've got this. So you're just in just that like you're on the third or fourth round so next time you do the auditorium or bigger you'll be like yeah yeah i've got this yeah yeah you're just in the moment more absolutely um you know what yeah sati sati was just great and a great way to kick off the tour and now weirdly because of the i was staggering the tour is the next tour day for me is liverpool i'm gonna just to film the stuff in a small room because we filmed the show at the Echo Arena and the footage is great

but I like having a little alternate on it so I'm doing Hot Water Comedy Club I'm just doing one night there nice it's like 200 seats and I think

like 100 left or something we haven't really advertised it yet but if you listen to this and you're from where do you get your tickets? adamrobes.co.uk forward slash shows yeah what else have you been up to? Adam Rhodes. I called it. You can go forward slash shows.

Yeah. What else have you been up to? That was my only gig of the week. How nice does that feel? Oh, actually, no. I'm lying. You picked something up on Friday. I did.

I saw it on Twitter. You couldn't resist. Yeah. So we went on a delayed anniversary trip to London last week to see a couple of musicals. So this hoodie is actually from Hamilton, the musical. Any good? Well, this is the third time we've seen Hamilton, so we quite like that one.

What do you get from it a third time that you don't get from, like, a second? I don't get it. I'm not a big musical guy. It's just a phenomenal show and story, and, like, the music's great. It's just unbelievable. And I don't want to spend too much time sort of waxing lyrical about Hamilton because everyone's said about how great it is. And if you haven't seen it, just go and see it.

Because I went from never seeing a musical with Hamilton to wanting to see as many as possible. Have you done Book of Mormon yet? Yeah, we did that in New York and I was crying laughing. Oh, I'd see that again, to be fair. Yeah, it's so good. When we came out of the Book of Mormon, there was Mormons giving out the Book of Mormon,

real Mormons on the street outside the Book of Mormon. And I went to take one and I thought, I think that might be the line of where I don't want to take the piss anymore. Yeah. I think they were like, you've seen the production, now read the real thing. And I was like, I want to for a memento.

But then I was like, this is your fucking belief. But then I was like, for anyone who hasn't seen Book of Mormon, I won't ruin anything for you, I won't give any spoilers, but it is quite weirdly pro-religion by the end of it.

Do you know what I mean? In a way, there's a pro-religion message to it, I think. Very, very funny. But the other one we went to see uh last week was called a come from away so come from away is about the planes that landed in newfoundland in canada on 9 11 so american airspace when that was happening just got shut off no planes over america they'll be shut down yeah go and land and there's a tiny village called gander in the newfoundland province of canada and it's got at one point was the biggest airport i think in the world but it's it was useless it was just it was a refueling station so that's why it was so big all right but then once planes

developed to the point where they could fly without needing to refuel okay this tiny little town with like 6 000 people in just had this massive airport for no reason oh wow so so when you were talking like the 50s 60s when they had to they had to what were they getting to la or something yeah so like if you were flying from london to la they'd stop in canada and get the rest of the fuels to get them on the route the whole the whole journey um but loads of planes 38 planes landed in this town of 6 000 people all with like 200 people on so it doubled the population of this tiny little town they shit themselves and were like what the fuck have we got to do here how are we going to feed all these

people how are we going to clothe them they were there for like four or five days and they had to just look after them um that's amazing there's a couple who met there who are still together now one guy was from london the woman was from texas they met during that week and then he moved to texas and they've been together ever since so their storylines in the play and the mute And the, it's a play or a musical? It's a musical. It's a musical. And what was really,

That does actually sound quite good. This is the least expected conversation with you ever. I didn't clock, I didn't clock the Hamilton hoodie.

Yeah. I didn't know you, let's talk musical theatre. I went, I went to see this Hamilton because I got told it was a hip hop musical and I loved it and then we seen Bucklemore

and I was like I want to see a few others, this come from away was the first one that was sort of there's humour in it but it's a story and not really total comedy or rap and what's quite funny is the guys from Newfoundland had like this really weird accent

in the play so I'm sat there with Jade, and I was like, why are they, because they all had it. It sounded like they were Irish people, who lived in Ireland until they were seven, and then moved to Cardiff and or Bristol,

and then their parents were Canadian. Yeah. They had this really weird accent, and I went to Jade. I bet yeah they're just doing that for every one of the characters from Newfoundland

so that we can distinguish it from Americans and she was like you're a fucking idiot and of course I am a fucking idiot that's the accent

of that area of Canada Newfoundland Newfoundland yeah it's really really really fucking weird it's a bit Scandinavian isn't it

it's just weirdly like oh it's weirdly like so canadian you're like it's so canadian it's irish and welsh and and norwegian all at the same time but all north american accents have got that blend haven't they of like irish scottish it's that's where the american accent come from it's got that that it's that's where the influence comes from but up there if you if your heritage like did the crossing and just got stuck there

yeah because it's like the northeast of canada right yeah so it's like if you if you were trying to escape ireland to go to america and you got. You'd have stopped there and you'd have got your fueling car. So it's. Mate, who do we know from Nova Scotia? Is it Jason John Whitehead? I think he's from Halifax, Nova Scotia. I think Nova Scotia is near Newfoundland, isn't it? It's south of it.

And he's like, he's so Canadian. He's like, oh yeah, you know, it's like, sometimes you listen to him and he's like, are you taking the piss out of Canadians? Like, really Canadian, eh? So Halifax is... Yeah, so Halifax is sort of southwest of... Newfoundland.

Newfoundland. So this is Newfoundland up here um that you can see and halifax is there but ganda is that island oh wow so the first song is called welcome to the rock and it's like this is the farthest place from disneyland you know like because there's planes that landed does a plane that landed there that was full of make-a-wish foundation kids who were going to disneyland 200 kids were told they were going to meet Mickey Mouse and they just ended up on this rock of 6,000 people who all sound like they've got head injuries.

Mummy, I'm cold. Welcome to Newfoundland, eh? Are you Bangladeshi? Yes? Who's your father? Dan Nightingale. Dan, can you do your Newfoundland accent new fan lesson hey no i can't quite do it oh shit my bad but yeah i hamilton i i think everyone has recommended enough and it's i think it's my favorite one so go and see that but come from away i've spoke to a few people who were even

into musical theaters and they hadn't even heard of it yeah it's one olivia and tony awards and stuff but it's very very very good and i would go and see that again as well so that's what about 10 years ago took my sister down for a treat she'd split up with um her um partner she'd had a crappy six months i was single so i wasn't wasting money trying to impress a girl and i was like should we just go to london because my mum took us to London two, three times when we were small kids, which was fucking brave. What are you going to do with your kids, Norma? With your eight and five-year-old badly behaved children?

I'm going to take them to London, see what happens. And we went to, you know, did the usual malarkey, but Kate was like, oh yeah, that sounds really good. She said, I'd love to see a show on the West End. I was like, absolutely. We're not going to do comedy but we you it's you know we did we went down in the morning

had the afternoon some food did a bit of shopping around common garden she picked a show we went to one of those stalls in leicester square where they've got the discount tickets i was like let's try and get a bargain but we'll see what's on she chose dirty dancing and i was like right but i'm getting shit-faced is that all right she's like absolutely fine so that was the deal i bought the tickets for dirty dancing but i was allowed to get sort of drunk so we went to a couple of but we treated it like it was the weirdest like i know it's brother and sister but like we were on the lash with a show as well and i don't know if that's what you're meant to do but sister, but we were on the lash with a show as well. And I don't know if that's what you're meant to do,

but at one point we were drinking Jager bombs. Standing for a stag do, doing dirty dancing. And a pub crawl. Dirty dancing with his sister. Who's he marrying? You don't even know him. And I was hammered when I got into dirty dancing. I was really nicely hammered.

And because we'd had Jager bombs before I was getting gradually more pissed in the in Dirty Dancing and by the end oh I was having such good

musical theatre when you're a bit shit faced is an absolute treat and there's like a Swedish family like a mum and two girls

I was there with the binoculars like I'm having a fucking great time oh my god don't put baby in a corner and and i don't know if i watched dirty dancing like now sober if i'd have enjoyed it that much but with about 12 units of alcohol in you it's fucking great amazing and i did the same when i went to see kylie minogue with my

ex-girlfriend she was like i want to go and see kylie i was like brilliant i bought your tickets but i'm allowed to get drunk she was like brilliant started drinking buckfast i snuck in some buckfast to the newcastle arena to watch kylie minogue like every other man heterosexual man in the room like yeah we're here to see kylie but just because she wants to by the end shit face like spinning around out of my way i was in the aisles having a great time like oh god kylie i would love this podcast has become so successful that dirty dancing put that quote on their west end post there imagine it it's amazing if you get shit faced have a word most things are though aren't they like a lot of things i i said this a while back like and i tried to work it into the routine i do about drinking like i don't think there's anything that

isn't improved socially by alcohol nothing there's no event where it's like if you're sober this will be better yeah especially if you're allowed to keep the drinking private this basically feels like we're enabling each other's alcoholism like my kids sports day is fucking boring a few sambucas before you go

honestly though your let's say Etta's seven she's like dad sports day how much better would that be if you could take a crater car and

just just sit there getting in fights about the egg and spoon. The year one egg and spoon. Fuck off! Go and get your glue, Dad. I know you're using it, fucking Jonah.

Cheat. Yeah, that'd be great fun. There's nothing. Christmas Day. John Christmas Day sober. Not loads of fun. No. If you're listening to this,

and you can think of anything that is not improved by alcohol then I want you to tweet us it or message us it this week and I will tell you on next week's episode why you're wrong so driving to Sheffield on Snake Pass you would be having a better time

I'd feel more confident on snake pass with two pints of me spinning around I'm gonna die is it too soon Adam that joke no mate not too soon speaking of offending people there's something coming

you've been looking at that pad I feel like this better be good because you're like this better be fucking golden because you're like it feels like you're about to like Dan this is why I think you're like, this better be fucking golden because you're like, it feels like you're about to like, Dan, this is why I think you're a cunt. I've been waiting to tell you.

I've just written it down. This is your three weekly review. I'm not going to make it. How do you think it's going? I'm trying. So, something happened this week. I'm not sure whether you've ever seen it,

but I imagine you've seen some of it. Are you into Eminem? I know you're you've seen some of it are you into Eminem I know you're a hip hop fan but are you into Eminem have you ever been a big Eminem fan I've I'll be honest

not since back in the day but he has he has featured on some songs that I've liked relatively recently he's on a Homicide which is a Logic track

that I like I just I wouldn't go out of my way to buy any Eminem stuff I'm a bit like I don't think anyone would anymore. Would they? No.

That's showing your age. People stream stuff now, Dan. No, I'm... Yeah, so I'm going to buy the new Eminem tape. I'm going down to get a record. Do you have it on vinyl? I'd like an EP. He released a new album this week.

Unannounced I don't know where just here you go new full album called you seem distracted yes sorry

I thought my wife was telling me that my child's ill but it's actually my wife

telling me something about work and you know what I'm so involved I was like oh god that is juicy really do you know

what just to back up what you were saying uh listening to your wife's bullshit about work would be way more fun pissed yeah like honestly i've had a really hard day well let me just crack open this why tell me all about what she said sorry go on go on. So you didn't know Eminem had released a new album this week? Yes, I did, because I saw the Eminem's cancelled hashtag. Did you know why the Eminem's cancelled hashtag was going around? Did you look into it? I did, yeah, because he made an Ariana Grande reference. Yeah, so here's what he said.

I won't attempt the rhythm of it, but the line that people are complaining about is, I'm contemplating yelling bombs away on the game like i'm outside of an ariana concert waiting what do you think about that because what i've seen is people other rappers as well because i follow a lot of rappers and um a lot of rap battlers because i was into the rap battles for for quite a long time still i'm um and a lot of comedians saying you know, and normal people as well, saying, bang, out of order, he can't say that, it's really bad. So what do you think?

My initial reaction is like, yes. It's hard when you're reading me the lyric, because it's almost like, this feels like when comedians say something out of order, and then on Radio 4 they're like, Comedian Adam Rose said this about big black dicks. And as you read it, you're like, does that sound funny? You're like, no, because you're a presenter on Radio 4. And you made it sound fucking arid dry, you boring old shit.

So I'm sure that's not doing it justice. But no, it doesn't feel like a great reference but at the same time it's eminem and you're a bit like that's what he does isn't it it's what he's always done that's exactly it for me is and also when that bomb went off in manchester eminem raised two million dollars for the fund so he's he's actually done something positive for these people he's he's made a big action uses influence got two million pound for the victims um and it's now he's sort of like the villain of that story because of this and first of all yeah he's eminem he said the most he said far more horrific things than that in the past and arguably done more horrific things as well.

I just think it's quite fucking ridiculous. I think this is such a clear indictment of the way we handle things now. Someone who actually did something positive but said something negative is the villain rather than people who did absolutely nothing going, he's disgusting for saying something like that yeah but ariana grande fans are all just like like teenage girls and they're just young and it's all teenage girls and the mums in it like

so when that cancel eminem hashtag came out the reason it started trending so much because people were like i think a lot of the hashtag became oh fuck off yeah most of it was like all they discussed was just ariana grande teeny pop fans and i don't expect much different from them it is weird the two things are never meant to meet are they ariana grande and eminem's fans should never interact you're different people you're from different worlds yeah it's you know it's like being i like pudding and like i like hardcore porn it's just leave each other alone that that's that's sort of the point i want to make is i'm how many people who were affected by this would never ever ever have heard it if people didn't go have you heard what he said like i can't remember who said this it might have been doug stanhopehope, but it was when another similar controversy

was happening a year or two ago. He was like, if you work in an office, right, and I come up to you and go, you know, Karen, I think she's a fat bitch. And then you go over to Karen and go, yeah, Adam's just said that you're a fat bitch. Who upset Karen? Yeah.

Was it me or was it you? Yeah. You're're gonna get blamed but I do look a dick it's like Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand when they were doing that thing on radio 2 and it was Manuel's granddaughter that Russell Brand had shagged

so Jonathan Ross phoned Manuel and sang that got no I don't think that got any complaints it might have got a couple of complaints then the Daily Mail got hold of it printed it

word for word and it got like a thousand complaints you're like that's the that is the problem with oh we found something to be disgusted at yeah and I think that's

I think a lot of the people jumping on this just bandwagon virtue signaling assholes who need to shut the fuck up and have a way with themselves I'm not surprised that that's where you came down on this argument Adam

because I would be really shocked if you came out at the end of this Eminem's a knob and I am I am a Grande fan so I don't know what do they call them

I do like Ariana Grande's music I do I'm into poppy shit I really really am but I'm a massive'm into poppy shit. I really, really am. But I'm a massive Eminem fan as well. But I also think it's the perspective. He raised two million quid. End of conversation.

No, but that doesn't mean you get to say anything, though, does it? I think if you're Eminem, you get to say anything. And people can not like it. Yeah, I know what you mean. But just because you've raised loads of money, it's like he's a massive philanthropist. And that's why he has killed animals

alright because he's raised a billion pounds for saving animals so he's killed a puppy on YouTube he gave to RSPCA so he's just

volleyed a baby out of a window yeah wake up guys oh but there's an element of Eminem as well getting older where you're like

Ariana Grande fans how old are you he's just an old guy to you it's a bit like me Christmas dinner admittedly drunk with my father-in-law when he's like anyway this is what i think about jews and you're like he's doing it for fucking attention he's not really racist he just knows that it gets the dad you can't say that that sort of shit it's a bit like just let him be his old grumpy man self and just ignore him. I won't ignore him.

I'm going to replay the whole album on the way home. What's it called? Music to be murdered by. Oh, I can't. Is that a Hitchcock reference? Yeah, yeah. What's our reference for Have a Word? We just thought of it.

It's just Scouse Mars, isn't it? It's Scouse's in the pub. Have a fucking word with him before I stove his fucking head in. Have a word with him. Swear to God, someone needs to have a word with him. Should we do our have a words?

We need to have a word with some people, don't we? Yeah. People have been sending them in from episode one. I mean, last week, we just had a word with you for the Penrith McDonald's incident. You had a word with yourself yes episode one we are and still

with the woman who went yeah and another way let it go and uh in episode one we had our first um emails in for have a word so loosely this is almost like a podcast intervention if you've got mates that have been a bell end if you just want to tell the story if you can't do it yourself write in, tell us what you want us to have a word with them about and we'll do it on the podcast yeah go on

and you've got two for us this week haven't you we have, we've had two one from someone we know and I just love it she's literally written it exactly like i know she talks so becky who works at the hot water comedy club becky heron becky heron the absolute whirlwind i've loved her she's a nuclear bomb of a woman i think she's fucking great yeah i met her about a month and a half ago and she was just working the front bar on her own

and she was talking to, what's your man called, Valentine? What's the gay scouse comedian called? Valentine. It's not called Valentine. Eddie Fortune. Eddie Fortune. Valentine. Eddie Valentine.

Eddie Valentine. Eddie Valentine. I think he was a wrestler in the like early 90s eddie fortune eddie valentine eddie valentine because he's gay and he likes love all right and he's talking she was talking to eddie for that was you know when you you i wasn't really in the conversation it was almost like i was listening to a podcast recording live between one of the most i would download that podcast i think she should do stand-up she said that to me actually what she said that to me that you

you told her she should do something she'd be the most interesting comic to come out of like the northwest for fucking ages she's like i'll tell you what i fucking think about that dickhead i was like oh i'm loving it i'm loving it there's been a lot of chat recently about World War 3 and she should defo be on the front line leading oh she takes no shit

Becky she's so like customer service wise she's the nicest person in the world what do you want babe oh you want a pint okay anything else

a pack crisp cool if you're rude to her dickheads get out the fucking bar I'm not fucking don't fucking save him no you can watch the show

you can watch the show you're not getting a fucking drink fuck off fuck off what do you want babe you know fuck i told you to fuck off fuck off fuck off get out me fucking eye fuck off what do you want babe do you want single or double you can have a double and he can go and fuck himself if you click at that bar there's a chance you'll never click again because she'll snap your fingers off i would rather fight eddie valentine eddie oh 100 percent um i i'd rather fight everyone in my phone book

than becky heron on her own yeah literally and she's beautiful but i don't think i think i might get a little scared willie if she was like right this is happening i'd be like little dan is too scared and this is all compliments becky because i know you will listen to this it's all love mate it's all love so what what what's her beef watch becky heron writes in i've got uh i have a word for yous she's so scarce it's amazing can i do it in her voice i've got a fucking other way for yous minge bag mates that's how Minge bag me. Got a mate who in all walks of life is the worst, tightest, sneakiest little tit in the whole world.

Mate, I so want her to do stand up. I've got a mate who in all walks of life is the worst, tightest, sneakiest little tit in the whole world. When it comes to paying bills at restaurants, she will work it out to the penny and literally transfer the exact amount with no tip when we go to bars and get around in when it's her turn she buys singles when we've all been drinking doubles when it comes to birthday

presents we're always met with there's been a delay in delivery i've been waiting since august last year for my birthday presents jibbit and then she's put the end and feel free to full name me because I'll make the tight twat listen to it this is so funny she's brutal right I'm fully on board with having a word with this cunt

I hate tight people like I don't I understand if you're a bit sort of frugal with your own stuff sensible yeah but if you're in if you're in a round if you're a bit Sort of frugal With your own stuff Sensible Yeah But if you're in

If you're in a round And you're doing that I've seen I've caught my mates doing this Once or twice Snide Where like You're in a round

You go to a bar What are we having Rum and coke Alright Can we have three rum and cokes Do you want doubles Of course we want doubles It's a fucking night out

Three double rum and cokes And then The sneakiest fucking thing People can do right Is they'll go to the bar Cause from working in a bar i know most bars if you order a single it comes in what's called a rocks glass which is like a shallow glass and if you order a double it calls it comes in a collins glasses which is like a tall one right and i've caught mates going the bar going can i have a three rum and cokes please and i want singles but will you put them

in tall glasses? And I've had people come to the bar and do that to me. I've caught one of my mates doing it before, and you're like, you snide fucking rat cunt. What the fuck are you doing? You're getting singles to save yourself six quid. Six fucking quid for the sake of a whole ten years of friendship. For your integrity.

And coming back in glasses so that we all think we're drinking doubles. You know, rat. Can I just say as well, the voice he ordered in. Yeah. You literally do the voice. Can I have a single? Can I have three? Single rum and cokes.

How now? I want them in tall glasses. Because I want my friends to think that we're drinking doubles. They're too drunk now. Because I'm a sneaky little bitch. And then I'm stood right behind him'm going are you fucking messing yeah this is bang out of order look if you're skinned uh that's the thing in it if no but that's the caveat if you're dead skin just own it straight from the off and go guys i can't do rounds yeah i am brass taxes yeah but don't be

like yay either don't do the round or go to your mates I can't come out that night Or look Get me a single Because I can only get singles back Just be honest And if your mates are sound They're sound with it If one of my mates is like

I'm skinned Like I can't really afford To go on a round What I'd do there is go Lad Don't worry about it Yeah doubles for everyone On your round

Just get singles You get the beers in We'll get the spirits Because they're more expensive You're sound You look after your mates Just don't be fucking the snake from Jungle Book trying to fucking convince your mates.

Trust in me, I'm getting rum. You just stop being a fucking pikey and trying to rip off your mates. A little racial slayer thrown in there. Did I not pronounce it properly? No, no, I like it. I'm here for it. I'm here for it.

It's my daughter's. Hashtag Eminem and Dan Nightingale are cancelled. In the same week? Who saw that coming? My daughter's. Hello there, father. I shat on the fucking landing. No, listen.

I got these lads that come round and clean it up though. It's a fucking two day job with the three man team to clean up my own shit yeah but just don't it's horrible it's horrible that feeling

when also when it happens the first time it takes you're almost like incredulous like is that just remember does that

and then once you've got an eye on them then you're looking for it and it makes like it almost makes you annoyed before it's even happened like you're looking for it and it makes like it almost makes you annoyed before it's even happened like oh watch this and it's almost like you're casing out your own mate on a night out yeah just don't be that douche there's one lad so you know like when you sort

of end up with a group of mates and there's always like one or two will occasionally bring like a muggle to the group so like you know them and they're a friend of a friend you've had like four or five nights out with them, but you just don't trust a little fucker. There's one of these and he's deafo. I'm not going to name him because I can't prove it

and I wouldn't make an accusation with a name without having definitive proof, but he's worse than even what Becky's describing here, right? He's a fucking kitty thief. Right? So what he'll do is, there'll be like six of us

and it'll be like, should we all just put 20 quid in each and then we'll just use that as a kitty and he's is there'll be like six of us and he'll be like should we all just put 20 quid in each and then we'll just use that as a kitty and he's always quick to be like yeah I'll hold a kitty mate

and then you know that there should be like 38 quid left in the kitty because I did maths and I've got like a fucking autistic brain when it comes to numbers so I'm sort of adding up

the rounds even with tips like shit face rain man there's about 40 quid left there and he'll come and go right lads we need to throw back in because there's only 40 quid left there and he'll come and go uh right lads we need to throw back in because only 16 quid left like where's the fucking 22 quid gone there you fucking check it check in his pockets yeah if your pockets jingle kid yeah

you're in trouble there's that's worse than what becky's describing what becky's describing is a close second if you are one of these people who goes on a night out with the mates and says they're coming in a round and says absolutely nothing and then is sneaking this. If you're skinned, be honest. And if you're just a rat, just be a rat on your own.

Don't be just skimping off your mates. Just go out with a load of other rats. Shall we do rounds? No! All competing with each other to see who can pay the least for a round. Everyone's brought in alcohol. And also, we're not even just talking about rounds here with it.

Like, that whole idea of, like, we'll split the bill and, oh, what did I owe? £12.17? No. How about this? I got the Nando's this time. You get whatever we get next time. That's a proper friendship. To be fair, though, I understand in certain circumstances. So, like, I had a year off booze about three years ago just didn't drink

for a year and i went out for a birthday meal and it was like all right it comes to so and so each and i went i had no qualms because i'd watched everyone drink and i was fine with it i was driving three of the fuckers home and i went i haven't drunk can we take that into account and and most of the people on the table were like, yeah, yeah, of course. I clocked a couple of faces. Don't get me wrong. These aren't my mates. These are friends of my friend whose birthday it was.

Like, all right, a bit cheap, aren't they? You're like, couldn't give a shit what you think. I've literally put up with your boring, pissed up fucking chat. Like, I haven't done another year off the boozing because it doesn't make birthday meals any easier that's one of those ones where you're like i'm not being an arsehole about it i'm not getting the calculator out yeah i'm not like what's happening i was actually 17 pound 40 but i was i wasn't paying an extra 15 quid if ever everyone's booze round yeah but that's not what we're talking about here is it like when you tell me i'm right adam

when you do something like that you go look right there's a 20 quid difference here i've had one diet coke and you've all had four pints of lager which is more expensive in the first place and i totally get that you're talking about snaky yeah and like at least you were overt about it you were like look i'm not being funny but that's not really right is it you know i mean what what i what i hate is for example let's say me you and two of the comics went for some food and we've all had pretty much the same thing or like let's say like your meal was 12.95 and mine was 13.95 and then the bill comes and it all comes to 33 pound 27 each and you're waiting from 35 quid for your £1.73 change when everyone else

has left it in the tip just don't be that guy yeah and also those guys they're never they're never part of the tip they're like oh well mine comes to £18

here's £18 and they've always got the perfect change like I've just got it like well what about the tip that we all have to put in on you know because we don't want to look like

tight arseholes yeah and I bet I bet that night where you said like I'm sorry I didn't I didn't drink tonight i've just had a diet coke or whatever you had i bet that night if it was i don't know 18 50 or even 16 quid you'd just put a 20 down anyway and gone yeah you've got a tip about 10 on you especially if it's a party of you it is is is 20 i don't want me changed i just wanted to

it to be fair that sound fairness of sound but just being a slimy snide little rat yeah don't be that guy i love scouts culture you guys just don't give a shit do you fucking snide him also i love how becky's done it via this this podcast but clearly she's the kind of person who just say it out loud anyway. I reckon this is just to underline the argument that Becky's had, because she couldn't, I don't think she's a warthog.

There's absolutely no way this argument has never happened. I reckon Becky's going to be like, see, you know that argument we had when I said you were a tight fucking prick? Well, these two agree with me now, so there you go. That's what's going to happen.

I honestly, if this podcast kicks on, and we do have some guests on one day, and Becky by then is doing stand-up, I think she'll be doing really well. I'd love her on this podcast kicks on and we do have some guests on one day and Becky by then is doing stand-up, I think she'll be doing really well. I'd love her on this podcast just to tell us what's happening. Even if she's not doing stand-up, we'll just get her on anyway. Oh, she's amazing. So we've had an email in. If you've got one of these stories where you want us to have a word

with one of your loved ones, nearest and dearest, or mates, it's haveawordpod at gmail.com and we will help you sort your shit out if you can't be asked emailing as well we are on social media at have a word pod on twitter instagram and uh we'll be on facebook as of this week so if you want to hear get them in via social media you can do that as well send us a dm baby we've got this message too hi lads hopes all well i was hoping you could have a word with my mate James. He's one of the funniest blokes I know. So funny in fact that our group of pals encouraged him to give stand-up a try,

which he eventually did last year. Now I'm aware being a stand-up is hard and just because you're funny in the pub doesn't mean you'll be funny on stage. But my God, I didn't realise just how not funny James would be. Oh shit, son! This is making me like, I love it it but it's also i feel i feel more alive than ever because i'm like oh god this is so bad i wonder if we've gigged with them i've watched him at three open mic nights and he's bombed at each one

it's painful and i'm not sure how much more I can take. I told James I'd attend as many of his gigs as possible but I can't. I can't. I can't do this anymore. Sounds like he's breaking up with him.

I know. James' biggest problem is that he's decided to play a character on stage. It's not you. It's your comedy. He's got PTSD from his fucking mate's comedy.

James' biggest problem is that he's decided to play a character on stage. In real life, he's got PTSD from his fucking mates comedy James' biggest problem is that he's decided to play a character on stage in real life he's really sweet and down to earth but for some reason he's decided to go

the way of stand up being an arrogant knob so that's the character that he's an arrogant knob he thinks it works because the joke always ends up being on him but he's not skilled

enough to make that work so he just comes across as an arrogant knob please lads can you tell James to give up being a stand-up or, at the very least, ditch the character? Cheers. Right, okay.

First of all, this is a phenomenal submission, and more of this, please. There's so many things at play here. There really is. So, first of all, whoever's uh written in we really do appreciate it and uh james i imagine um you know i think he's obviously going to be listening to this if because he's going to be directed to it um so let's just go gently because he's trying to do stand-up yes so we part he's part of the fraternity. Yeah. We can't go too hard, but we've got to help.

So, here's the thing. Stand-up takes a while to be really good at it. And people who are good straight away aren't always necessarily the ones who are great further down the line. Some people do start, and they're not that good, really. It's very diplomatic so far. I'm trying to be as diplomatic as I can.

I feel like we're coming around the bend on you being nice. And here we are. Here's the home straight. So stand-up can, it's a tricky thing to learn. And being funny is not the same as being good at stand-up. There's definitely an overlap in that venn diagram but there's very very funny people who are terrible stand-up comedians there's very unfunny people who are brilliant stand-up yeah yeah like and it can take a while

to learn how to do this stuff however that was so diplomatic if if you are utter dog shit at the start, you've got to, got to, got to let your mates off the hook for a bit and go, do us a favour. I understand I'm not doing very well. If you want to carry this on, James lad, you've got to tell your mates, give me a year, go away, get out the spotlight, don't have your mates come and watch you don't have people from where come and watching you and wait until you are getting other comedians

telling you you're good and getting it and not people at your level because there's a lot of open mic there's a lot of circle jerking in comedy at open mic level there's a lot of dog shit comedians at the minute getting recommended on facebook and stuff by other dog shit comedians who are going oh my god this guy's amazing and then i'm like oh i've seen that name a few times and then i gig with them and the absolute dross it counts for nothing wait until some a comic who you respect who's a few years above you a professional comic who's doing the circuit goes you're good you here's a few bits of advice i'll help you get this gig or two when you're at that level then start

inviting your mates back to come and see it because that means you've made a bit of progress while you're dog shit it's okay to be dog shit you don't have to stop doing this yeah but you're not it's not one of your transitions from like fucking preschool to primary school you don't need people there to hold your hand no go if you want to do it go and do it stop going mate i've got a gig can you come along just go and do the gig this is gonna sting hearing this but what sam what the guy's done in explain explaining this he said mate i know you wants to do it could you just leave could you just do it on your own but also it's more the character you are funny but what's this character about yeah that whole thing of not bringing family

there was a guy i i think he's still doing stand-up i gigged with him a few times he'd done some open mics pretty pretty decent then i did a gig near wigan on a saturday night and the compa went right so-and-so's in um but don't say hello to him because he's in with his family. They come and watch the stand-up. He's never told any of his family and friends that he does comedy. So he doesn't want you to be like, all right, mate, how you doing? Because they'll be like,

how did you know the comedian? And that's, so that's, he went completely the other way. He'd been doing stand-up like a year and a half, completely, like totally privately, maybe just to just stop this happening to just contain the blast zone of if it was shit and he was actually quite good but he decided i don't want these to know i don't want to have my hand held while i'm doing it that's extreme but i kind of respect it

but i'm just going to go into the wilderness sort this shit out and then if it doesn't work out you can just come back and be like i did uh spin class yeah look and also just to offer the flip side of that i this isn't james's fault because um when you get into it you don't know whether you're going to be good or bad and especially if you're already the funny one amongst your mates you assume you're going to be good now when i started my very first gig was in a nightclub in liverpool there was 32 people there two of them were Hungarian tourists who had no idea what was going on they just went into the wrong venue there was two actual customers and 28 of them had come with me that was my very first gig my second

gig was beat the frog in Preston um and I took about eight or ten people with me there was two cars worth of us that went up yeah um. And I was gigging with another comic who's now stopped called Lewis Calvert. It was a great comic for a while. And if he'd have stuck with it, he'd definitely be a pro comedian by now. So me and Lewis were going together. One car took Lewis and four

and the other car took me and four. That was the second gig. And my third gig was at the casa in liverpool which legally holds 80 and we sold 120 tickets me and another comic called dave eddie ran it we we booked a few local comics on and it was literally 120 people that either knew me or dave or both we work together um and they were all really happy and we looking back, we were absolute dog shits. We were doing okay. We were getting laughs.

It's like homebrew comedy, isn't it? You're like, we're going to do this ourselves. You're almost making the gig for yourself sort of thing. That's exactly what we did. We didn't know any other way to do it. We thought, oh, well, if we want to do comedy, we're just going to have to put our own thing on. Yeah, but then you stopped doing that,

because when I gigged with you, you were just on your own. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally, yeah. I started going to Beat the Frog on my own and stuff like that. He just needs to do that, doesn't he? Even a few of them, I took some mates with me and, you know, my mates were, like, really supportive and to be fair, when I started,

I don't want to sound too much like an arrogant knob, I wasn't absolute dross. I was getting laughs in most gigs where I was trying. I look back on the material and go, oh my God, I can't believe I was ever saying that. That's an awful thing to say. I'm not funny to me now. And like you said at the start,

that doesn't mean that he won't crack onto that because some people do have a slightly ropey start, but he's making it ropey with a character. There's not loads of good working characters on the circuit. That's not to say characters aren't great. Yeah, I don't really want to tell him not to. It's hard i i don't want to tell them not to do a character or to drop it for now like i think the the again i think it's a doug stanhope quote where he says any comedian who gives you advice is just telling you how to be more like them that's

that's a fucking great it's it's such a good like and it's really true. So I don't want to say don't do a character, but if it was me in that situation and I'd started badly, but I really still want to do it. And a few of my friends were like, I don't really want to go anymore. First of all, stop inviting your mates. And I would figure out how to be funny as yourself on stage first, because you're clearly a funny lad,

because your mates told you to do this. This wasn't all your idea. Your mates were like, get up on stage. You can do this. So be yourself yourself be funny get get to the point where you've got 10 minutes and then if you're a bit bored of that and you're like i don't like this and you want to go back to this character then you'll have more skills than you've got now to apply that to that and maybe you'll find new avenues to make it work but yeah for now lad leave the leave the fame at home yeah both of us talking about this i can feel in both of us we're like oh this is you've got to be so gently gently because we've both

been there like when you're starting out and you want to do something it doesn't matter if your first two or three gigs have been wobbly you're like this is it it's can be very addictive even without that smashing gig early on and i think you've got a responsibility when you've done anything professionally whatever you've done like footballers journalists teachers when you see someone coming up and they have the least clue what to do but they care about it more than anyone in the industry like Doug Stanhope a 30-year veteran of comedy gives way less of a shit about comedy than the guy who's tried it three times and is dying to crack on because it's so obsessive when we talk about it you have got to be careful because i hate those more experienced comics who are like oh just whatever you know yeah

just get on with it you're like no it doesn't work like that it's it's once you get bitten you are totally you've got the bug i've got to be careful to not be dismissive of their sort of aspirations and hopes, but it's, it's a valid point. Like he's basically trying to go, you're going, we love you. Just got to do something slightly different or stop bringing us to witness it.

And just to take it on a slightly other angle, I've sort of theorized about this before, which is that there's a mental health issue here, right? With regards to comedy. So there's sort of a long sort of history of people who are in comedy comedians especially um having mental health issues right and this is not just in comedy it's in performers well or musicians and people who

generally get on stage tend to there's a strong correlation at least between people who have like depression and anxiety and people who perform and i've thought for a while of on the looking at the cause and effect side of that because the the obvious assumption is your anxiety and whatever other issues you've got and that need for attention drives you onto stage in the first place however i think it's quite naive to look at it just from that side this guy i imagine he's got a few laughs i don't think he's completely bombed there will have been at least one where there's been 50 people at a gig or 100 people and they've laughed at one thing he said that can be enough because at one other point in your life are 100 people facing the opposite way to you and all at once going we really found that funny that thing you've just said i think that's so addictive yeah like and when you get to the point where you're all at once going we really found that funny that thing you've just said i think that's

so addictive yeah like and when you get to the point where you're good at it i think that's where comedians mental health issues can come from because how can you get that in normal life you can't get it from anywhere else you go from being on stage with 50 100,350 people at the auditorium in Liverpool and you're on stage and for an hour or 10 minutes or however long you're doing, you've got the attention of every other person in that room. If anyone talks while you're talking, they're removed from the venue.

It's your time. You can say whatever you want, almost without any comeuppance. You can get away with as much as any other human can as a comic for however long you're on stage. And every time you say something that was meant to be funny, they all laugh in unison. That level of attention and set a tone and rush in your brain.

And then you literally go and get in a car and drive for four hours home on your own. And then the next day you're in your house cracking jokes to your missus. And she's like, well, is everything just a big fucking joke to you the lights off like i think that's a big a big thing of uh that is often sort of ignored is that side of it is getting that rush it's impossible to get anywhere else and if this guy's had even a little tiny bit of that, he's not going to want to stop. Even if in 10 gigs he's had one laugh on the first one,

that will be enough to be like, I need that again. I'd never, ever tell someone to stop. You've got no right, just because you think you're good, because whatever, you think you're getting the gigs. I've misjudged people that are coming up. I remember, I've watched several comics and gone, you will never be a comedian. And three years later,

they're a really good comic. You watch some people who hit the ground running, like shout out to Freddie Quinn there, ladies and gentlemen. And he's doing fine. Yeah. He's doing really well. He's doing,

he's doing well. He's all right, isn't he? But yeah, you've got no, you've never got a right to say you can and can't do it but I think this is brutal but it's honest and if I was James and I heard this I'd be like

keep doing it, keep doing how you want to do it but maybe just look at some slight changes of angle I think it's going to be better for you yeah oh god Adam, do you know what i mean we're inspirations that's how that felt i mean not to freddie we're absolute dickbags to freddie but oh but yeah so the other word there is with james isn't it and it's like keep on going but

leave your mates alone and we do get it like it's like drugs like you've had a bit of heroin you want some more go and find some heroin lad on your own but yeah don't make it don't force your mates to watch you do heroin are we all put in for this heroin or at least wait until you're really good at doing heroin this analogy is still working we'll come round now I'm going to do some Halloween

we don't want any you're not getting any I'm dead good at doing it I'll find a vein brown sugar nice one lad let's call it a pod

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I've been listening to this. It's dead, dead funny. The more numbers we get, the more episodes you'll get. And eventually we're going to start doing live shows, but we can't do that until we're getting massive download numbers and there's a proper demand to do some of these live and we'll have special guests on the live shows we're going to start getting special guests on some of these episodes eventually as well but yeah spread the word for us have a word with your mates and say get onto this podcast mate been a pleasure see you next week see you next week