Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #30 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 11, 2020

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What's happening guys, it's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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Pokey gokey Picking a pokey Good morning job seekers Oh my god Okay it's happening Catch me outside How about that Have you never seen me before

Upset me Nasty bitch I'm big boned I'm heavy structured I'm hung low If I pull my shit out This whole room get dark Disgusting It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like podcasting. Two mics, two lids, and a lot of time on their hands. This is Have a Word. Shut down dailies.

Let's get through this mess together. Oh, I've had three fucking boozy beers, but that was synchronised, and I think that's a great sign for what's about to happen. How are you, mate? You seem a bit pissed. I've had a few. It's going!

I've had a few. I'm on my third beer, and I've brought a bottle of gin in with me for when I get bored oh gee it's the lockdown lock-in with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale every Saturday coming to you live it's the end of the

podding week if you like getting caught if you're this is now our equivalent of the fucking boss coming in on Friday afternoon and going, you can all go at two. I mean, the thing is, I know we've got a few advertisers and we're trying to do the best we can for them. And also we've got patrons and we really appreciate the support.

But for everyone else, you get this shit for free. So we definitely get to do five normal ones, and then a Saturday piss one. If you like King of Kamadas... Oh, I'm looking forward to this one. I need it. I just need it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

What have you been up to today? I had my first beverage about half past midday. Laura was like, are you having a drink? I was like, it's for the podcast, babe. So I'm working. I had that conversation with Jade. I was playing FIFA at half one and opened the beer. She was like, that's a long,

because I'm doing a Zoom meeting with some of my mates later to have a drink. Jade was like, that's a long... Because I'm doing a Zoom meeting with some of my mates later to have a drink. She was like, that's a long time you're going to be drinking today. And I was like, look, I've promised it to the podcast people. I owe it to them to follow through. Yeah. Also, don't get jealous. As soon as someone, you can, in theory, get paid to booze,

I will be fully supportive. If you can pay some bills while getting shit faced i'm into it but as it as it counts credit control traditionally not a a service that financial regulators enjoy having their staff drunk during it like oh what could you always have money pay that money fuck off no they prefer you sober in podcasting one out of the six you're allowed to do it drunk don't actually feel that drunk but who's on the podcast isn't it it's my first one quite rosy-cheeked you've been in the garden yeah yeah yeah i'm in the middle of ed and i took a photo you did today while you were looking down at your phone on this and i'm in in the process of editing you

into the poster for pinky in the brain love it what are we gonna do tomorrow night pinky the same thing we do every night adam try to podcast all over the world also anyone who's like i cannot believe you're drinking this earlier i cannot believe what's happened to the world i cannot believe that a tory government. I cannot believe what's happened to the world. I cannot believe that a Tory government is helping out the self-employed and giving them like a part. All people, like employed or self-employed, giving them part of their income.

I cannot believe that this could be the next two months. So, do you know what? Normal rules don't fucking apply. I'm having a bevy. You can't be an alcoholic during a pandemic. It is impossible. So, yeah, I... You can't be an alcoholic

on holiday. We're essentially on holiday at the minute, aren't we? Everyone. We're all on a diseased, riddled holiday. All inclusive.

Everything in the fridge is free. Fucking crack on, kids. I mean, how bad would your holiday have to be that you got locked in it that would be like a really nasty fucking case of verrucas broke out around a swimming pool at a hotel they were like please everyone stay in your hotel rooms like right that would be a nightmare fucking hell but yeah this is kind of a staycation in it i hear that's a very american

term but this is basically what it is you just you have a holiday oh my god we're not gonna go away we're just gonna get a hotel in the downtown for a few days me and the wife do you know a lot of times you you book away and you travel and for all the costs i just think do you spend time in your home and enjoy it? And that's what we're doing. I know literally tens of thousands of people are dying, but we're really enjoying the garden, you know? And so trying to find a positive.

I've got the first question of the day for you. Ready? What is your least favorite race of people? Is our scouses A race? Separate question Separate question No

I Can I counter that with That was just me joking Before everyone was like What the fuck Just me joking But I think a lot of people

Quietly In their head In Liverpool Answered that Yeah I fucking think it is, actually, yeah. And you're being racist. What's my least favourite type of race? White men.

No, you can't pick white. Thank you, because they're awful. I've been working at a workplace, packing. Norwegian. That's not a race, they're still white. Right, you've got to either pick black. Yeah, but the skandos What?

The skandos Skandos Let's make up Let's make up Let's make up a non-offensive Potentially Get away from me, you fucking skando I don't want anything to do with the fucking skandos

I'll catch Scando disease, get away. Fucking hell, you stink of furniture. Did you just get Norway and Sweden mixed up? What do you mean? You saw an IKEA there,

weren't you? Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to do it? Yeah. Oh, they are Scandinavian. Oh, that's so awkward. I'll take that.

One drunken nail to me. If you like King of Toronto. I love it when you do stuff like that. Scandos. Now, let's not do actual racist terms because racism is obviously awful. Let's invent racial slurs. Let's invent racial shit yes

exactly adam uh for groups of people that traditionally don't suffer racism scandinavia fucking scandals yeah you have to say fucking as well you're fucking scandal someone in norway right now is like, that's actually our word. What about people from Belarus? You know how much it hurts me that I haven't got the Belarusian Premier League football results music

anymore. I've just got... Shit. That would be a different result. A nice time for the results from the belarusian premier league this is wrong music someone emailed us and said if you're a hacker if you were a hacker what would you hack and i it was one of those questions where you're like, that feels like it could be comedy gold, but in my head I was like, I don't know. And I've just accidentally fallen across the answer. Literally, I would like to just all sporting results.

And now it's time for the football results. Okay, we're going to stop that there. That isn't the music we're meant to have. That song just reminds me of Shrek. Does it? Her name's Princess Fiona she likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain oh yeah

from when it's like a blind date sort of we've watched Shrek but Laura's weirdly anti-Shrek people from Belarus I mean aren't they like bell whiffs

I don't know anything you fucking bell whiff you Belarusian cunt you fucking bell whiff they're all going to be dead from corona in about a year because they've just steadfastly refused to accept it's actually happening

their prime minister said that vodka cures it, don't he? Oh, Jesus. The three fucking intensive care beds in the whole of Belarus, and they're just like, where is the vodka? These people are dying. What about New Zealand? You can't say Kiwi, because they like that, so it has to be certain.

Yeah, but that is their name isn't it so what a derogatory term yeah another one for kiwis quite a lot of pressure isn't it fucking

yeah I don't know Hobbit nonce Hobbit nonce do you know what's really fucking Hobbit nonce do you know what's really weird with New Zealand? I've been there a few times.

I've spent quite a lot of time there, and they are so nice. After a while, you start worrying that some of them are a bit simple. Everyone's so lovely, and you're like, what's going on here? Why is everyone so nice? You've got something to hide. Is that why you've all moved to the corner of the world?

All shagging hobbits, mate. Is it like... I don't know. Have they all got like kiddie porn sex dungeons? And that's why their ancestors have had to move them all to the corner of the world. I just called the whole country

paedophiles, didn't I? Mate, what's the difference between a hobbit and a midget what's the difference one lives in a cave and the other one is a hobbit oh jeez

it's going to be a silly one isn't it yeah i want more countries it's hard though isn't it because everywhere has a racial slur everywhere has a racial slur like scandinavia is so white so boring and so inoffensive what about the swiss oh iceland's just a fucking they're just distant scandals, aren't they? They're just like scandals that fucking drifted off. Ices. Fucking ices. You fucking popsicles.

Fuck you. What about the Swiss fucking cheese nonces everyone of mine's got nonces basically it's just a more creative way of calling a whole nationality a paedophile New Zealand far away paedos

Iceland cold nonce Switzerland high up yodeling nonce yodis yodeling nons. Yodis. Yodos? Oh, I think they're Austrian. Are they Austrian though? Just sing normally

you fucking yodi. You fucking yodi lad, get back to Yodistan or wherever you're from. This sounds like, basically, how would a Scouse stag do be offensive to the people of the places visited? Like, if there was a new company,

that's where we should start. Have a word stag dos with Adam and Dan. Well, the podcast becomes part of it, but we sell, and you've got to be from Merseyside, and it's all male. It's not one of them, like, modern stag dos. We're like, we've got two women because they're our best friends as well. We need all the fucking lids, right? And then we send you to

places where they really aren't waiting ready, prepared for a fucking scout stag do. Fucking Switzerland! You fucking yodel nonsense! Where are you going for your fucking stag do, Stevie? Eh, Basra

like a challenge I like a fucking challenge Uganda Uganda we can't do Uganda can we

Uganda wonderful people fucking Ugg boots Uganda are the fucking Ugg boots you're the fucking Ugg boot shut up you Ugg boots Uganda the fucking Ugg boots you're the fucking

Ugg boot lad shut up you Uggie bastard oh dear where you going on your stag do when you marry Jade whenever she lets me

I that's it that's great getting the psychology of marriage like it you're tuning it somewhere like

Romania or like Bucharest be sick wouldn't it what what just seen the orphanage 60p a pint just go to

fucking Lidl if that is that literally how amazing is that the commitment to cheap booze I don't give a shit

where it is I want the cheapest fucking beer Uganda's looking pretty good We don't have fresh water Yeah but how much

is fucking Estrella I don't want fresh water love have you got any beer in my assy We don't have any fresh water in the village

I don't give a fuck I'm not drinking water and I'm not gay. I'm on a stag do. I'm not a fucking theatre camp. Get out me face you fucking ugg boots

and get me a peroni. Bucharest, where did that come from? Have you really, do you really want to go to Bucharest? I mean, obviously not right now.

That's where Paul Blair went. I think that's where the owner of Hot Water Comedy Club went. Right. And I mean, those guys are doing all right, but you go to somewhere really poor, it'll really make the pound stretch, won't it? Just go to the poorest place ever. Yeah, how much did you take on the stag do?

35 quid, but because we went to Uzbekistan, we were there for a fortnight, five-star hotel. I'd love to do an amazing one. The thing is with a stag do, is like, you've got to go somewhere relatively cheap, haven't you? Because then your skint mates

can still come. You want to go abroad, but, right, I can't be dealing with, like, I hate Liverpool in the summer because you get stag do's

from all over the UK coming to Liverpool. I'm like, why are you here? Get a fucking plane to somewhere better than this, do you know what I mean? We're ruining our nightlife. It is pretty amazing nightlife. Dosser. Newcastle's the same.

Little Fat Steve. Pino. Rapist. That group of friends really should have vetted Pee-doe. Rapist. Rapy day. That group of friends really should have vetted who was controlling the names on the T-shirts. Dead Ma. Dead Da. Dead Ma. Dead Ma.

Dead Wife. Or, as he's known to the lads, Hattrick. Bingo Steve. Why is he called Bingo Steveve as my guy that the fucking um disabled sorry um and the name on the back of the wheelchair i can't remember what we're talking about yeah newcastle's new where i went to uni newcastle for nine of the happiest months of my life. And that's where I got into...

You didn't say years then. That's correct. How bad did you fail those exams? I've been held back again. Van Wilder, Dan Nightingale style. I fucking loved it. But Friday and Saturday night in Newcastle is something else.

And it's not just because Geordie's a mental, which they are. It is a bit of a mental city, it's great for it but there's just so many British tourists who are just there on the fucking piss and it does sort of ruin the city centre

it just makes it really over the edge I don't like going out in Liverpool on a Friday or a Saturday night, I prefer Sunday nights for a drink in Liverpool. Yeah, that's a proper local touch, isn't it? Sunday night. Do you remember when Hot Water first...

When they opened the two venues? Yeah. And they... Where's the fucking beer? What have you lost, Dan? Where's my beer, man? What's going on? You've lost your beer?

Yeah, man. You just had it in your hand. What the fuck is going on? Oh, by the way, I'm having Turbo Shandy. Oh, you're mixing Smyrna with ice and beer? I wonder if Texas Jilly Bean, who's becoming our most famous... We didn't do an inductee this week, by the way, to the Hall of Fame. Yeah, it's got to be Jilly Bean.

It's Jill. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Texas Jilly Bean just Jilly Bean. That's for you, darling. That's for you, darling. Can I just say, Jilly, if you don't know what a turbo shandy is, it's like a lemon

flavoured alcoop pop. We have Smearnoff Ice over there. I don't know whether you get that in the States, in the Deep South. I don't know what that was. Deep South of Australia there, fucking Adam. I think I... Adam?

You mix that with a beer and it makes a Turbo Shandy. When Hot Water Comedy Club first launched and it was in a nightclub, Smear-N-Off Ice bottles used to be a quid in that nightclub

and bottles of Budweiser used to be a pound as well. So you'd just get one of each and you'd get a pint of Turbo Shandy for two quid. If you are listening to this bit of the podcast, I just want to let you know that Dan has gone for a walk to try and find his beer. I found it!

I heard you talking. You're getting more professional. You're getting more professional. You're just covered for your boozy fucking pod partner. The thing is, I just know that normally you edit this, but you're going to be in no state to edit this in a couple of hours' time, so all this shit's going to stay in. Can't be arsed.

I want to change the name of the pod to have a word uncut. Why have you changed it to uncut? Because we want people to hear every just thing that's going on. Can you be arsed editing? No, that's the reason. I can't be fucking bothered. It's really weird buying Smirnoff ice in a really eggy co-op that's got plastic fucking dividers up between the staff and you've all got to stand on a cross and there's a limit of how many people you can go in and when you're buying smirnoff ice as part of that you really

look like an irresponsible corona fucking chopper like people are risking their lives go for only the absolute essentials i need a turbo shandy adam i can't fucking function without it i want to try and get fingered in my own fucking garden i'm really lucky that i have a stash of beer in and i've like the gin i've got about for about six months um because i collect my alcohol for times like this daniel okay yeah i I'm going to be fine, motherfucker. Yeah, next week, I promise, I'm going to have my beer 52 case because everyone on Twitter has been saying the beer 52 booze is great, so I'm going to have that ordered and ready to go for next week.

But yeah, talking about Liverpool City Centre, when Hot Water, who you just mentioned, we'll have a few mentions today, where I first met Adam all those many years ago. Oh, no, it wasn't, was it? Was it The Frog? You met me at The Frog. I remember that when they were opening the two venues and you had to walk from Seal Street.

Just before we carry on, because I do want to hear this story, I just want to let you know, the other day, because I went to message you on Facebook for some reason, hear this story i just want to let you know i am the other day because i went to message you on facebook for some reason um i uh i found the very first conversation between us two do you want to know what it is okay so i messaged you and said what year um 2010 oh my days this is a decade ago one day dan do you want to do a podcast? I was like, fuck off, newbie.

So I missed you on the 16th of November, 2010. I messaged you and said, thanks for tonight, mate. You're the best comp here I've gigged with so far. Do you know what you said back? Go on. Fucking nothing. You blanked me. You blanked me. You blanked me, Daniel.

The next message is three years fucking later. Also from me. And you blanked that as well. The next message after that is three months later. And you fucking blanked that as well. November 2013. You blanked that as well. And then you sent me a pound on my banking app

and a message you're fucking little wrong oh dear that is brutal sorry about that old boy three years of i like you i wrote you as a comedian. Will you please reply? And you're like, fuck you. So here's a little insight into that. I get a lot of messages on Facebook from new comics because of Beat the Frog. Because it's a night I started. I do it twice a month. And I try and be nice to everyone. But this is...

The older I've got, the better I've got at that. But you were talking 10 years ago when I was just living in the middle of Manchester and boozing loads. I was like, yeah, I'm not... I can't be... I just couldn't be arsed.

I just couldn't be arsed. And then I bet as soon as I saw you absolutely rip a doodle roo, I think it was different from there on in, weren't we? Well, I was, you know... That's painted me in a bad light. Some of the fucking messages could you give me

a breakdown of what I did right and wrong? oh yeah okay cool because I'm your fucking comedy coach start with, grow a pair get back on the stage and work it out yourself like every other fucking comic you massive vagina do you want to put a name on the end of that?

Who that was specifically to? There's 50 fucking messages over the years. Could you give me some feedback on what I was doing wrong? Like, oh my God, stop being so fucking needy. What have you got? I've got some Whitley Neal rhubarb and ginger gin.

Oh my God. Fire. Which fucking menopausal woman did you steal that off? Your ma. She's already gone through the change from living to a four-game dad. If you like King of Colada. Every time we go quiet, don't they just play that song the least appropriate yeah my mum did die yeah walking through uh liverpool from hot water to hot water in that mad time that mad three or

four months five months whatever they had the two venues. So you open Hardman Street. When you would gig at both on the same night. So in one night you do four gigs, which hashtag is two minute. You'd go from Hardman to Seal. So open the early show, close the early show at Seal, open the early show at Seal, close the late show at Hardman. And that walk, that second walk from seal to harbour or from harbour to seal if you do it about quarter past 10 for 10 me that in liverpool city centre on a

saturday night that is pretty fucking bad that that is that is they that's a city. Out of the Dawn of the Dead. It really gets a bit Dawn of the Dead. But if Dawn of the Dead was mainly about strippers, that's, do you know what I mean? It's a lot. The girls, the lads look good as well, but they're really dolled up, really high heels, fucking tottering,

and the skirts are up, but they're just so shit-faced it's something else there's only a few places in the uk that claim that level of like the number of people the sort of vibrance of it and also how shit-faced they are like it's like you could say well there's loads of town centres where they all get shit-faced yeah but they look like fucking mouth breathers like you ain't seen nothing like liverpool especially the number one day of the year for oh, there's loads of town centres where they all get shit-faced. Yeah, but they look like fucking mouth-breathers. Yeah, you ain't seen nothing like Liverpool. Especially the number one day of the year for this is not going to happen this year because it's been cancelled due to COVID-19,

is when we do Aintree races, which most people will know as the Grand National, which is a race that's on the Saturday of the three-day meet. So you have... Saturday is known as the Grand National Day. Friday, I don't know what that's called. Oh, no. It's Ladies' Day.

Ladies' Day. Thursday is just like the opening day. Friday, Ladies' Day, is when it's almost like competitive dressing from the women. So they get like their own dresses. They make sure they don't get it from the high street because they don't want to be seen as the exact same as someone else. Loads of them are custom made and the fucking hats and everyone's

at 12 in the afternoon when they turn up at the races and there's a guy taking photos and going if you give us a five I'll put that on a fucking key ring for you they look fucking amazing and at 3 o'clock in the morning they don't 3 o'clock in the morning when you've got a hat

that's got fruit on and you're throwing a kebab at some fucking dickhead who's trying to skip the queue and miss the chillies. Yeah. Hey, you fucking slag. I was here before you.

No, we both ordered chicken kebabs just because he said chicken kebab doesn't mean it's your chicken kebab, does it? It's his chicken kebab. I've ordered a chicken kebab as well, no, but I was here before it. Yes, but she is regular customer. We skipped it.

I'll fucking smash it. Regular customer? I'm here fucking every week. You're joking. I know the doorman. We haven't got a doorman. This is Mr. Chili's kebab house. We don't need security. You're fucking willing a minute to hear them going to wrap that fucking Donamy around your head.

It's rough as fuck. It looks like the last two minutes of a particularly rough episode of my big fat gypsy wedding. Do you know when they're like, oh my God, look at where... He's spent over a thousand pounds on the fucking dress, you know? And then at the end where they're all grabbing each other in a car park and it gets a bit fucking weird. Always after ladies' day, there's something goes around social media of like a girl pissing in a car park and it gets a bit fucking weird that's yeah always after ladies

day there's something goes around social media of like a girl pissing in a men's urinal like really expensive skirt hiked up and just like lowering her arse into a men's and then just looking at face like what was i meant to do i don't give a fuck but i respect that to be honest with you i'm bad for pissing in places I shouldn't piss when I'm drunk. Um, I'm bad for pissing in places I shouldn't piss when I'm drunk. Talk to me. I think I get that from my dad. Um, where's the,

what, just give me some examples and then build up to the worst place ever. So, um, one time I was kicked out of pop world for pissing in a fishbowl because it was too busy to walk all the way to the toilet. Honestly, it's disgusting, it's chavvy, but

it makes total sense. It literally makes total sense. I was just hammered. Pop World, if you've never been, I know I said last week it's just cheesy 90s music and that sounds a bit shit, but it's not. The atmosphere in these places is incredible and it gets literally packed, like two packs of that

to get to the toilet. If the gets literally packed, like two packs of that. To get to the toilet, it's like, if the club was empty, it's a 20 second walk to the toilet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it's full, it's a 20 minute walk to get there. Like you've got to,

and you're bumping into people along the way who you know from school and whatever. It's a nightmare. So I was just hammered in the corner and I was like, there's a fishbowl there. Empty. An empty fishbowl.

Sure. Oh, no. Ah, damn. You didn't piss in someone's 15-pound fishbowl. No. No. Never. No.

Girls, girls, what were you doing in that piss bowl? Why are you zipping in your fight? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I've finished. Eddie, let me ask you a question. If you like ginger coladas

You wanna try that one, love? You wanna try that one? That's got a special fucking zest to it. On this episode, Dan's got a new button. Oh, shut up, you. You're my fucking new button. Yes. But yeah, I've pissed there. When I was a kid, I woke up once.

Now, in the council house I grew up in, the bathroom was like an extension on the house. You know what I mean by an extension? But it's only a one-floor extension. So if you went out of my bedroom window, you would be on top of the bathroom, essentially. The extension was just underneath my bedroom and out. I woke up once and my dad had come home drunk

and he was just pissing off the extension into the back garden. I absolutely haven't. Just stood on the extension, walking on the grass. Of his own house. Like it's one thing if it's the balcony in Benidorm and your fucking hotel

you little dirty maverick but when everyone that can see you knows who you are it's a special type of dirt isn't it this is one for the fucking ages woo I can get the back lane pow oh tremendous

yeah so when I see like a woman on ladies day pissing in a man's urinal i'm like you know what she's seen the queue for the ladies it was enormous as it always is and she went you know what time for a compromise and she's gone i'm gonna go in the men's doesn't fucking matter i'll piss in the fucking urinal and if anyone wants to try and neck me while i'm in there everything's a bonus in it it's just so it's so minging but it yeah there is a major problem in there with poor old girls do suffer it like if you call the race

meeting ladies day you need to build like you know like at the excel center they've built a new hospital at aintree they should build a new fucking toilets just for that friday like an emergency 5,000 toilets for all the women. Like, I don't want to queue up. I'm going to piss myself. I think it's Adam Staunton who says, he's a great comic, by the way, a Scouse comic, who said,

Ladies' Day would be much better named Slags in Hats Day. Oh, Jesus. Where's the weirdest place you've ever had to piss? Don't say on the back of a stage, coach, because I will end the podcast now. In the bath on my girlfriend's leg.

What? What? It's weird. It's weird on her in the bath a bit hang on were you getting a bath no we were like i'm gonna try the weeing thing oh you were trying the piss sex thing yeah it was just a bit i don't know just got i don't know what this was no no it was before that's why i'm speaking in a lower voice right okay so you pissed on a woman because you were trying the piss thing see i've watched when i'm hungover i do watch some piss

porn i have said before but i've never been having sex and thought you know what improved this the smell of sugar puffs i can imagine if the girl was like oh that's cloudy i think you might have diabetes well that's not as sexy as I thought it would be. We'd just been up all night on the sesh. It was just a really unhealthy relationship back in the days. I was about 25. We used to go clubbing and go to parties. And then afterwards, it'd just be me and her.

And we'd be up for hours just off our fucking box. It's just a combination of like having heartfelt chats arguing listening to deep house music and bonking and i just for some reason we ended up in the bathroom and at one point like i shaved her for chaja yeah i gave her i'd never done it i just wanted to do it and then we shaved sort of shaved her yeah it was just a just a blur I couldn't tell you exactly when this was you know that's weird than pissing more weird than pissing on it

shave me shave me and then I remember I remember a man using a max three on me this is going to be so shave me wax me and then she waxed my leg can you please explain the logistics to me and i love that you only piss on a leg surely that's not that's the least of ross actually to get anything out of it it's got to be on her face

whoa you don't start with the face. You move up the body. Mate, you don't literally go from, I wonder if we'll enjoy this. Give us your face. That's not how that goes. You start with a leg. Wee on a leg. Like, wow, that's exciting.

Move your way up. Up at the knee. Still doing it for me. Keep going. Keep it going. Oh, that's enough. Turns out you can piss on my midriff. still doing it for me keep going keep it going oh that's enough turns out you can piss piss on my midriff

but not on my tits we just tried it was gross just turned the shower on I just love the thought of you stood over a bath with your little

coke shriveled dick out we were both in the bath you were what? just both stood in the shower it's just ridiculous it's the least sexual thing ever and then we just had a shower that's absolutely pointless

absolutely pointless but we were so off our head on drugs. In my head, for some reason, in my head, this woman is like two foot taller than you. Why?

I don't know, but you've pissed on her leg and she's gone, no, not for me. And you've gone, yeah, me neither. Should we just get a wash yeah arms up oh that's so funny that's basically how it happened oh yeah tried to have a romantic i remember this is the flat we lived together in for about fucking a year year and a bit and it was so mental once we had an argument so bad we we'd both gone to the shops and i'd gone to the another shop i was at the post office and i said will you just wait there and

i'll come and get you we didn't have our neither of us had our phones on me because we just nipped out so i couldn't find her and she had the keys to the flat and ended up being locked out and like wandering from the shop back to the flat back back to the shop, just thinking, like, are you at one or the other? There's only one route to this shop. And she ended up going, I went and waited at the other shop for you, even though that had never been discussed. It's one of those stupid arguments where you're like,

this is why mobiles are amazing and I should have had my K.O. We just nipped out. I got really wound up because it was an hour of dicking around and when we got when i finally found her she came back and i went he fucking had an argument and i called her a moron in the argument i called her a moron and it set off you're talking about pressing buttons it obviously pressed one of her buttons i'm never nasty like that usually i've looked you lose your temperature a moron lose your temper that's too much of a straw man for her she lost this shit moron yeah to be fair i'm looking back now i'm saying i'm not nasty i've i've got some absolute fucking states when when you're arguing

but it's not with laura laura and i never go nasty this is 10 15 years ago so we used to go for it but for some reason moron must have set something off in it i think her dad used to be really nasty to her and like call you're a fucking moron three times today well i'd never called her a moron before and i called her a moron a moron she went why are you calling me what i was like because you're a fucking idiot and she got so wound up she climbed out of the window because i wouldn't let her pass me she was like let me out i'm going i'm going home she i went no you're not why do you don't want to leave we're just having a fucking argument i'm going back to newcastle i was like

you're not going to go back to newcastle you call me a fucking idiot you think i'm a moron and she climbed out of the window and got on a train to newcastle that's how mental that relationship was so me giving her a shave and weeing on her leg really respect my missus like there's times when we're arguing and i'm like you're a fucking pain in the ass this is far this is annoying and then i hear me mates tell stories of exes like that and i'm'm like, Jade is an angel. She's fucking great. She's just a normal person. So for all of the fun it was, I loved going clubbing and staying up all night

and talking shy. That was great. And there was moments, me and her, she was called Vicky. We had a great time. But when it was batshit, it was proper batshit. And when you wee on someone's foot in a shower, and then like three days later,

you can't find each other at the post office, you call her a moron, it escalates. And she climbed out of the flat window. By the way, it's not like on the fifth floor. We had a ground floor flat. She wasn't that mental. Come on, did you call me? Suicide!

Slide, moron. She went back to Newcastle in a fucking... In running leggings with a bank card. What a fucking psycho. Yeah. Oh, Christ. Did you ever see it again? When we split up, that was...

Yeah. We had one conversation about three months after. I was really in love with her. But, you know, when you... I don't know if anyone's ever done this. When you're in love with someone and you're like, I know that you are no good for me and i am no good for you like even then even though i was like she's a dick she's a nightmare she's a fucking psycho i knew i was no

good for her we were we were the worst we just weren't good for each other but i was so in love with her because sometimes you just are aren aren't you? You're like, you're a psycho. And it's like one of those things where you're like, it's, she was like a firework. You wanted to watch it all happen, but you could definitely get burned at the end of it.

Like it really was that, that destructive. So when we let each other go, she moved to London and there was a, there was some phone calls and it just, it was clear that I was trying to move on and and she'd had enough, and yeah, fuck me. And I don't know if you've ever had this, when you've split up with someone,

and you've dreamt about them afterwards, and you wake up, and you feel really let down by your subconscious. Do you ever do that? Like, they're in your subconscious, so you're like, I'm over you, I'm done with this, and like a year later, you wake up, and you're like, oh, fuck off come on dreams get on board i've blocked her on everything i can't block her in my dreams like it's it was

just a nightmare took ages to get her out my system fuck me what a loon if they came up with the technology where you could delete memories would you use it i would have used it i would have used it then i was trying to erase many memories you've got that you'd like to get rid of? Oh. Once they're gone, you can't remember them. You can't be like, oh, I deleted that memory. It would be like you've never

had it. At the end of using the technology, they men in black you. Yes, I was going to say, I was trying to think of the film Men in Black. You don't even remember the technology, you'd just be carrying on tomorrow, but they're gone you've just got gaps in you

What happened that year? I don't know Honestly mate I know you haven't done loads of drugs but that is a bit like what doing drugs regularly is like Tell me what 2007-2008 was when you were living in leeds and you were going clubbing loads uh here comes the man in black remember tommy lee jones and will smith and said

fucking there's a pug that talks uh real genuinely lots of that a lot of that music that a lot of the memories there are fucking blurred and all I can remember is shaving a fanny and weeing on her foot and then seeing a psycho's bum disappear out of a window and like, that bitch is going to Newcastle. By the way, just no context, have a word. Could you just cut that bit out, please? I weed on her foot, I shave her fanny

and I see my bum going out the window. Have you ever been out with a girl where your mate, I love it when your mates sort of intervene. My best mate, my best mates growing up, Sean, Alistair and Bondi. And Bondi is still my best mate. Alistair listens

to the pod, he's in Oslo. I've got to ring him actually. Sean's in South Africa. Bondi's in fucking Birmingham. You've got a mate who's gone fucking scandal. You've got a mate who's gone fucking scandal. You've got a fucking scandal mate. He's gone married a fucking scandal. You can't be mixing Anglo

Saxon prestige with fucking scandal blood. I tell you what, and when you do, it doesn't look any different that's like putting white chocolate chips into a fucking melted milky bar it all looks the same um yeah oh yeah they what they were talking about when we were splitting up and i was like i need to move on my bond my mate bond is so, like, oblivious.

He's like, I think she's all right. I don't know. She seems all right. Do I not seem angry, though? I seem tense. Do I seem tense to you? No, no, you're fine. She's all right.

She's sound. She's fit. And my mate Sean literally sat me down and was like, right, I don't want to be overdramatic, which he always is. He went, you need to get the fuck out of there. She will ruin your fucking life next minute she's pregnant you're like all right sean i've got it have you ever have you ever had a mate sort of intervene and give you the fucking chat like that no so my first sort of long-term

like proper girlfriend was a girl called sophie who i met uh when I worked in the nightclub Endy and I also used to gig there, that's where Hot Water originally started a nightclub called Endy in Liverpool and from the off she hated my best mate Carl and he hated her Oh that's always difficult

So now she was quite vocal about it as girlfriends tend to be I don't fucking like him, I don't fucking like him. I don't fucking like him one fucking bit. I'm not arsed. He's a fucking knobhead. And I know your mates and that. I'm not trying to come between yous.

I just feel like I would be doing this relationship a disservice to not let you know that I think he's a fucking bellend. That's all I'm saying. I'm not saying you have to stop seeing him. That would make me feel better. but and it would definitely mean our relationship last one i'm not trying to come between you and your mates all i'm saying is if you want to have sex with me you need to fuck him off and never talk about him again do you know i mean is that is that unfair am i being unfair i'm trying to be as nice as I can, do you know what I mean? But I just hope he dies.

Carl said to me at one point, look, like, you know, I'm not, I'm not her biggest fan, but she's your missus. And that's the way it is

for as long as we're together. So like, that was, that nightclub is where I spent a lot of my sort of late teenage, early 20s years going out when I was here as well. And Carl would be with me a lot of the time of late teen, early 20s years going out when I was here as well.

And Carl would be with me a lot of the time. And if I was off work, she'd often be in work. And we'd be in there. And after we broke up, I said to Carl, the thing is, lads, do you know what happened? Towards the end, she just became a cunt. And he went, no, as your mate, now that it's over, let me tell you this. She's been a cunt from he went no as your mate now that it's over let me tell you this she's been a cunt

from day one right and we weren't in there on Halloween one night I was off I booked it off months in advance so that I could have a Halloween night out which is like the three biggest nights of the year in Liverpool are Halloween, Boxing Night and New Year's Eve

they're the three big nights What about Mizzy Night? No one goes out on Mizzy Night because they go around the streets, second houses, you know what I mean? Sorry, sorry. And he went to the bar in Envy and Sophie come to save him and went, you know, I can't watch you once.

And he went, I want someone else to save me. That's what he said. Jesus Christ. And she went, well, there's no one else here. And he went, I want someone else to save me. That's what he said. Jesus Christ. And she went, well, there's no one else here. And he went, well,

I'll fucking wait then. And she went, why are you being a dick? And he went, I've thought you were a fat dickhead for a year and a half. And now that you're not with him, I don't have to be polite to you anymore. Fuck off.

I'll wait for someone else. Oh, brilliant. Oh, Carl, shout out to Carl. That's someone who is do you know what i think this bitch is fucking crazy but she's with me mate i'm gonna let it slide i'll be there for him and when it goes down i'll be as big as fucking as biggest ally in the break-up i mean if any girls are listening to this going this is is really sexist because, what, are women just mental?

No, there's some absolute douchebag guys out there. And you will know some of your female friends have been totally manipulated by these horrible, undermining, nasty fucking manipulators. It's not about girl or guy. It's about douchebags. Lunatics. But I will say this.

The younger you are, the more of this shit happens girl to guy yeah I really believe that because I think lads are so fucking gormless when they're young

like what I just wanna what I just wanna fucking drink and I like you but what and girls pouring his second gin

oh you're having a gin. Right, here we are. There's a little test of a relationship. Right. You're going to text Laura? 20 minutes ago on WhatsApp. Laura. Chicken tikka and salad wrap with chips for tea. God, I fucking love that woman.

I'm telling you right now, I'm getting junk food for tea tonight. I'm getting a pizza or something. I ain't cooking after four beers and two gins. Are you ringing now, I'm getting junk food for tea tonight. I'm getting a pizza or something. I ain't cooking after four beers and two gins. Are you ringing her? I want a beer and I can't be arsed going to the fridge. Hang on. Don't tell her it's on the pod.

I've hooked her up. She'll be fine. She'll go fucking skits if she finds out this is on the... All sounding not going to... You're right. I'm not getting your fucking merete. Me and her are done. She's on to you, love.

Fucking... Bitch. Go on, give it one more go. Call her again. It'd be fucking great if she answers. Right. There you are. Hang on.

I might bring my brother-in-law because I like him more. Wifezilla. I've actually got her in my phone as Wifezilla. That was funny. About two years ago. Then it started annoying her and I've kept it because of that. It's about to go down. Fucking waifu.

She's the fucking waifu, mate. Come on, Loz. I need a beer. This is why we need... What's it... What do you call it? Sonos or whatever. What is it? Echo. Amazon Echo. I've got an Echo. I've got an Echo. I've got an Alexa.

Have you? Yeah. I've got two, actually. I've got one downstairs, one upstairs. Whoever you have dialed cannot accept this call. Please hang up and try again later. I think I've been dumped. Let's try the old way. I'll fill some time. Let's try the old way. Laura!

Laura! Can I have a moretti please can I have a can of moretti please darling why don't you take your noise cancelling headphones off so you can hear your wife better

Laura can I have a can of beer please darling go on love go on I've just been singing your praises come on your birthday's coming up don't fuck it up for yourself if she turns up in a minute I'm going to shout Jade from the next room

and get her to have a chat with Laura that's so high risk we've got to bring them both to the first live show though the patron show they've got to be there because our listeners are going to have some questions listen maybe as long as they're selling merch make them sell the hoodies for us love i want you to be there but can you cover the babysitter? Oh, shit! What? I haven't been doing it. What? Oh! My plan today was to keep dropping in Spice Girls lyrics

throughout the whole show. And I was going to say the first one to get all of them, I was going to send me Have A Word Had To. And I haven't done any. Can I just say, mate? Can I just say, I can tell you've had a beer because you look drunk. You look drunk.

Your eyes are fucking... Oh, here she is. Round of applause, ladies and gents. Get it on. Come on. Adam wants to say hello. Come on. Adam wants to say hello.

Hello. Oh, come on. Hi, Laura. There you go. Are you okay? Have you been drinking? You're live to the listeners have i been drinking yeah yeah jade told me i'll fail you because i had a beer before i brushed my teeth oh god is it that bad you can't be having a beer before you brush your teeth that's like a really bad that's a faux pas actually uh will you wait there for one second

if i shout jade yeah yeah this is funny jade speak to jade what are you two doing what are you trying to get fingered okie dokie what's up not by me i'm on the gin and tonic you're not gonna finger down why wouldn't you finger down i'm on the gin and tonic you're not going to finger down why wouldn't you finger down I'm not in the mood it's too hot out because of the pandemic come on Jade

Jade's just asked is the video on because she's not happy with how she looks what there's not enough space there's not enough space hi Jade are you alright What? There's not enough space. There's not enough space. Hiya. Are you alright?

I've had enough of it, have you? Yeah. I hear everything he says, near and far. They're so loud, aren't they? I can't hear what's being said. Adam, I can't hear what's being said. Adam, this is going rogue now. I can't hear what Jade's saying.

I can just about hear what you're saying because it's coming from this. From the headphone. I just think I hate Adam's personality on the podcast because he talks to me like I'm on the podcast when it's 12 at night and we're watching The Good Wife. He'll talk to me as if I'm down on the podcast.

He'll use weird phrases. Very crass. Not a dunce! No, I don't. Oh, not that one. No, I don't. What are you saying? That is the dodgiest one. Honestly, like, he acts as if the podcast is still going 24-7 and it's getting on me nerves.

It's the word podcast. I never want to hear it. Do you know? How do you feel about money? Oh, no, I do want that. Yeah, I do want that. Look how pink he looks. Look how drunk he looks. He is. He's been digging a ditch in the garden.

Get off. This is why women aren't good at podcasts. Bye, dude. Bye, Jade. Bye, Adam. See you later. Excuse you. You are very famous to our listeners and they'll really appreciate that they finally heard your voice.

He just said... No, Jade, I'm joking. Jade, it was just a joke. He said he was joking. Just a joke. Jade's feisty, isn't she? Laura takes the banter better than that. Jade's fuming.

She literally got... It's like living with someone who's got such a lack of sense of humor. I love you so much. I'll skew after the episode. Mate, it's just a little all-killer, no-filler joke that, you know... What? Don't... You don't want me to play up to my audience

well it's paying the bills isn't it yes mate always drop that vamush CJ love you oh fucking hell Dan I don't know don't wanna like I'm having a great time I know you've just

clocked the time. We're 52 minutes into this episode and we haven't done anything yet. That's exactly what he said last week. It's going to be like the start when we did an hour and 50 minutes for everyone. Have you got a middle section? Do you want to do it? I mean, we can do it if you want. I mean, we've got to

because we need, before we go into that, we need to have a word from our sponsors at TransAllo Wheels. Oh, she's back. Right. What's she up to? She left her scissors. A word from our sponsors right now. TransAllo Wheels. I'd like to tell you about TransAllo Wheels Limited. Alloy wheel refurbishments, car body work and customisation services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire.

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That is Trans Alloy Wheels Limited. Ah, thank you. Okay, boys, let's do another feature already. If you like me, you know what I do. We've got a ledge of the day, Adam. Loving the podcast, guys. Keep up the good work. I love how we thought

we were going to do this every day and there's not enough people doing good things we get sent like one of these every fucking

six or seven days if you want to get in touch with us if you'd like someone if you'd like us to have a word with someone a relative a housemate

anyone you see on the street if you basically want to slag someone off via the medium of me and Adam Rowe, send that have a word in to haveawordpod at gmail.com.

If you have a ledge of the day, a twat of the week, if you've got a hangover story, if you've got a... A dead relative. Oh, the dead relative stories. If your ma's dead, your da's dead,

your nan's dead, your grandad's dead, an auntie you were close to is dead, your brother's dead, your sister's dead. Your da's dead. Your nan's dead. Your grandad's dead. An auntie you were close to is dead. Your brother's dead. Your sister's dead. You've got a dead kid. That might be too far. But if there's someone...

It's going to be a big name on the T-shirt. The stag doing it. ...has died. We want to know about it. Just send them in. All right. Hathawaypod at gmail.com go ahead lads

have a legend of the day loving the podcast guys keep up the good work just wanted to give a shout out to Scott from East Cleveland Lock and Key he has done a 30 mile round trip today

on Good Friday to come and fix a broken patio door for free you may think it's just a broken patio door but this door belongs to my 87 year old

father-in-law he lost his wife of 60 years a fortnight ago to the coronavirus oh jesus and his garden has become his sanctuary since then often spending hours out there due to the damage to the door he hasn't been able to do so for a couple of days so he hasn't been able to go out in the garden basically and it's had a detrimental effect on him seeing his joy today when it was fixed was amazing. It's the little things in life.

Wouldn't have been possible without the help of Scott. Definitely out there. Ledge of the day. So, mate, a massive one. Who wrote that in? Scott from East Cleveland, Lock and Key. Scott, if you're listening, lad, it sounds to me like you might have a dead mother-in-law story. What I've known... I feel like you need to a dead mother-in-law story. What I've noticed...

I feel like you need to get that in ASAP, Rafi. A valid ledge of the day. But, yeah, have you lost anyone, you know, and had anything interesting happening while it's happening? Graeme in St Helens has asked us... I love these. Also, just sending you questions. I really like the questions, you know. Has asked us. I love these. Also, just sending you questions.

I really like the questions, you know. Has asked us, if you could... Look, we've had a drink. We've all had a bevy. We're all mates here. Have you ever pissed on a foot? What we essentially... The reason we've got features is because it gives us like a jump-off point on it.

It gives us a way to start talking shit. And any way you can get in touch with us that facilitates that is a help to us. Whether that's a question, a legend a day, a have a word. We need have a words because that's the name of the fucking podcast. So the more have a words you get in, the better. But any way you can just go,

here's something you can talk about. Get it in to haveawordpod at gmail.com. We love it all. Go ahead, Soz. Graeme in St. Helens has asked us, I love, genuinely, this is a simple one, but it works really well. If you could have a successful,

busy, lively boozer anywhere in the world, where would it be? If you like King of Kolada, Wigan. I get to choose where I put a really successful pub Yeah you know I think what we're saying is

You don't do comedy anymore You're retiring You're doing that old footballer thing That you used to do in the 70s and 80s You'd retire and open a boozer somewhere Wouldn't you? That's the old school footballer's way Do you know what?

Right Do you know one of the best places I've ever watched a Liverpool match and I include everywhere in Liverpool there's a bar called Carragher's I forget what street it's on but it's near Times Square in New York City I went to

New York last year to do some gigs and stuff do a couple of podcasts just like dip me tip in the American waters and Liverpool played two games while we were out there. And I watched them at Carragher's in New York. And the lad who runs it is called Mike. Is it named after Jamie? Yeah, yeah.

So there's genuinely, so there's three partners. There's two of them, Mike Romero. I don't know the other lad's name, but Mike Romero and the other lad, they run the New York City Liverpool Supporters Club. And then they bought this bar.

It's right bang in the middle of Manhattan, right near Times Square. And the third partner is Jamie Carragher. Jamie's a largely silent partner. Like Mike and the other guy, they run the business themselves. And they've essentially just licensed Jamie's name, but he's officially got a third of the business for that. It's fucking

amazing. And I reckon if I could run a successful boozer anywhere in the world, I'd put it in New York man. Like I'd love to live in New York. I really, really, really would. I've only been there once and I'm going to go back as soon as the shutdown's over. Like, New York

is one of those places, like, I grew up watching Friends. Friends is my favourite TV show of all time. And I know that a lot of people sneer at it and like, oh, it's a bit shit and whatever. Look, nothing can be shit if it's still being played eight hours a day on Comedy Central 20 years after it fucking stopped airing new episodes.

It's easy to sneer at it, and then I watch it, and I laugh along. Sometimes it's fine. It's quite formulaic, but that formula was very well put together, and it really works. I love it.

I've got a bit of nostalgia with it because it is sort of the basis of mine and my best mate Carl's friendship. We both loved Friends when we were younger, and that's sort of why we got to be mates. I grew up watching Manhattan and I've always like, and everyone who's been to New York before me

has always gone, oh, New York's an amazing city. And it was so hyped up to me that it couldn't possibly live up to those expectations. And then it did and it surpassed them. If I got to choose the rest of my life, I'd live in New York for a year or two and just do gigs every night at the comedy clubs

and give it a crack out there. Can we still do the podcast on Zoom though? Absolutely, of course. We can do this remotely now, we know that. We don't need to live in the same country. Don't take the fucking pod away. I'll tell you this though. Before I went full time

with stand-up, I was working in bars and the other thing I was doing was studying mathematics. I went to the University of Liverpool for a week. One week

and then I dropped out to study maths. I was always like really good with numbers and mathematics. But, I reckon if I wasn't doing stand-up I'd have stayed in the bar game.

So it's not, this question to me is not like unfeasible. If comedy went away I'd probably want to run a bar and if I wasn't doing stand-up, I'd have stayed in the bar game. So it's not, this question to me is not like unfeasible. If comedy went away, I'd probably want to run a bar. And if I could pick anywhere in the world, NYC, baby. New York. Yeah. I love the idea, but I want a beach.

I want a beach. My perfect bar's got a beach near it. Oh my God. Why don't we run the Hathaway bar chain? There's one in New York and there's one in LA. You've got your beach. I've got my city. You run the LA branch.

I run the New York branch. We've still got the podcast. I think we've smashed it. No, I'd like, can I change mine from LA to Cricketh in North Wales? Just because it's... I have a word, pub crawl from New York City to Real Song Centre.

Just because I went there as a kid loads and me and Laura were talking about it. She was like, I know we might not get abroad this year, but can we go to North Wales? And I know we went to Anglesey last year, but you know,

I'd love to do Cricketh. I was like, well, it's amazing. There's a Cadwallad. It's where I spent a lot of time as a child. I would love a bar chain as well. I was like, well, it's amazing. There's a Cadwallad. It's where I spent a lot of time as a child. I would love a bar chain as well. They had two locations. New York City. Manhattan.

Cricketh, northwest. No, I'd like a beach. I'd like to be one of them beach bums. But not somewhere country or 18 to 30s or like loads of pillards who love themselves just a little bit more you know i'm a proper sissy boy me like i love a holiday to a beach where i get bored of it i love a city i love bars i love a i love an underground comedy club and new york city is just my dream to live in new york for a year or two is a big part of like like you know like people

visualize their future and shit that's a big part of it for me when I went to New Zealand I have to say this I mentioned New Zealand before of all the places I've ever been and fucking loved Brighton I mean Brighton has always I love Brighton it's such a great place to go and do comedy

such a great place to go and have a booze but Wellington in New Zealand which is on the very southern tip of the North Island in New Zealand. I know I was calling them fucking distant paedophiles before, but genuinely. A bit nonsense. A really good bar in the middle of, is it Cuba Street?

What the fuck is it called in Wellington? But if you did comedy as well, just comedy just once, one night a week. So it didn't get samey. I'd love that. New York City maybe? Yeah, that's fine. Where's better to do comedy than... No, I'm not saying Wellington's better to do comedy from

New York City, but anyway. You're trying to pick a different answer, aren't you? Yeah, yeah. I'm not going to move next door to you and piss you off. That was a great one. That was a Graham. That was a fucking good one. Tammy in Darlington says, post Tiger King question.

Well, I watched it all. Adam watched a bit of it. It's been a massive hit. It's got to the point now where so many people, if you were like, you said you were going to talk about Tiger King. Well, go to every other website, social media or podcast and they talked about it for you

because it really got fucking hammered. What zoo animal would you most like as a pet? If you were allowed an animal to just fucking keep, no regulations, no laws, they're like, yeah, Adam's not really meant to have this but he's got special dispensation from the council I feel like based on past episodes people are going to expect me to pick

a lion and call it Thunder because obviously I said I'd like to ride a lion called Thunder Round but genuinely since I've been a very small child I've wanted a pet monkey. I've always wanted a pet monkey. Like a little fucking... Not like a chimpanzee,

like massive. I mean a little. You know the little ones that you see in like a... Like a little fun... Like a fun monkey. What are they called? Those a fun... Like a... What are they called? Those little fun monkeys. A bonobo. A bonobo monkey. Yeah.

There's no better phrase to say in a Geordie accent, by the way. A bonobo monkey. Bonobo monkey. Day nine. Adam's in the garden with his renewable money. By the way, can I just tell you this? Because it's not going to happen now. I emailed the agent of the guy who does the voiceover for Big Brother.

And he said, fuck off. No, they literally said he will do it. But it'll have to be after the COVID-19 shutdown because he doesn't have the facilities to record voiceover at home. Sorry. The guy, the guy that's made his money going, D-19,

didn't want to spend some of those thousands of pounds that he's made from Channel 4 over the years and buy a fucking podcast studio for his, like, spare room. Yeah, he didn't do it. Or we would literally have people go. Do you know what though, Adam?

We would have him introducing our features. We would literally have him now going, it's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan. Send us all the problems that you have

with your friends. Is he Jamaican? Anyway, I, one of my favourite things about the shutdown. I know. I'm adding Jamaican

to my list. Yeah, okay, cool. I think you've already nailed it. I can't believe we still haven't got to that. I'm adding Jamaican to my list. Yeah, okay, cool. I think you've already nailed it. I can't believe we still haven't got to that. We're an hour and five minutes in. This is a fucking marathon of an episode. We're closing with the accents. One of my favourite things about the shutdown,

I know people are dying. I know you're worried about Nana and I know people have lost work. We're there as well. If we can laugh about it you fucking can but the fact that we had all of this kit anyway really makes me happy the guy from fucking big brother the voice of a guy dear name in the big brother house hadn't even bothered to set up a fucking mic and we've had this shit for months

love it got a message from a comedian god your videos look good online i was like yeah they do because we bought the kit fucking ages ago everyone else is just putting their zoom videos out what are you doing we've got external cameras set up mate fucking 1080p don't play the game i like otters i really do i think otters I really do I think otters are just so fun Have you seen Michelle Wolfe's comedy special? What? Do you know of a comic called Michelle Wolfe?

I've heard of Michelle Wolfe, I've not seen her comedy special She's got a special on Netflix called Joke Thief No, The Joke Show Sorry I feel like a Freudian accusation Lad, I'm a fucking bad reason the joke show it's phenomenal and

it's start and routine is about the fact she likes authors and it's so fucking good I know we did my top five today I think I mentioned it in my honorable mentions but anyone listening if you're looking for a comedy special to go and watch before mine comes out

go and watch Michelle Wolfe, The Joke Show on Netflix. It's so... She's got an otter bit. Huh? She's got an otter bit. Oh, she's got a 10-minute otter bit. Touche.

My oldest joke in my set is my cheese bit. And it's not the best bit of material i've ever written and i still have it in my set because part of it is like i've got a cheese bit that i can end on and i really like that i just it makes me happy if you've got a 10 minute otter bit i think the best routine i've ever written is my victoria secret routine it's my favorite routine I've ever put together myself and I'm about to burn it on the comedy special that's coming out

in a week or two whenever I've got the days I'll let you all know it's gonna be the closing routine on that it feels like I'm proper just letting me baby free, it's the first routine that I've watched and gone if I'd seen a comic do that I'd really enjoy

watching it. My equivalent to that is Niggett McChuckins. Your Niggett McChuckins routine is genuinely, and I'm not just saying this because we're now friends and business partners and podcast co-hosts. Me and my best

mate Carl, who gets mentioned fucking all the time now, Carl we come and watch your Edinburgh show I don't know what one it was, is it the Jackdome that you do in Edinburgh? Yeah it was 2014 Yeah 2014

the show about the nine girls trying his best not to be a dick and we come and watch that and the niggat mcjuckins routine we've quoted to each other for six years then we still quote that to each other it's

it's so funny it's is that online anywhere a version of it is yeah I think on my youtube oh no I took it down I took it down i've took it down because in my head i was like i might have a little rejiggle of this do you know what's

funny so if you've never heard this this must be frustrating because you're like what is the bit i got absolutely pie-eyed in york my best mate bondy lived in york and we went into a mcdonald's two in the morning it's absolutely fucking heaving. Just loads of drunk people. And then this kid came in who was the most drunk. He was so fucking drunk. And how drunk he was was drawing the attention of everyone else in the McDonald's. And everyone was a bit pissed. And he was different level pissed.

And he, drunk, accidentally, really loudly ordered six niggit McChuckins. And I started going, hey, did you just order niggit? Niggit McChuckins? And I started doing the Chris... Because I love Chris Rock and Kevin Hart and Bernie Mac, I started going, niggit what? Niggit... Now, it's very important that you're hearing the T there.

It's niggit, as in chicken McNugget, niggat McChuckins. That's why it's funny. It's just a mistake. It's funny because it was nearly a hate crime. And I started shouting, niggat, niggat, please. Honestly, cry your eyes out, piss your pants, funny stand-up. It's so so so fucking good

and me and Carl to this day we'll quote that bit if we're both in a nice house on a nice house and we go to Machi's at the end of it and he'll be like where you getting them I'm getting 20 nigger McJuggers do you know the story you obviously milk it and you develop

bits of it and everything but basically the bouncer came over and threw me out for being racist because i was shouting niggard word niggard please and i i wasn't trying to be hateful i just i would just thought it was so funny that a drunk kid had accidentally ordered niggard mcchuckins instead of chicken mcnuggets uh i got thrown out and my Bondi, who again gets talked about on this one, I've never been thrown out of anywhere. I'm such a wuss. I've been thrown out once maybe on a college do when I dropped a pint.

But I'm such a wuss and I never, ever go aggressive. But I got thrown out. He grabbed me and he went, we do not accept racism in McDonald's. And he threw me out. And I was, it's upsetting. Like I've never been called racist before it's horrible and in the in the joke I was like I don't know how racists do it it feels awful it was hard to say you've never been called racist before when you look like you

yeah yeah you do look like a leave voting paid up member I I remember I remember the memory you know when something's happened to you and it'll pierce through all the alcohol and all the time and you're saying to me like what was do you remember like all those years clubbing I'm like it sort of faded really I can remember being outside the McDonald's about

six seven years ago and seeing Bondi try and work out where I was, because the dumb fucking idiot hadn't seen me get thrown out for racism, he'd literally been stood next, this is how pissed we were, he'd been stood next to me, he'd been laughing at the niggit McChuckin guy, and had missed two bounces, not one, two bounces, fucking basically me getting me in an armbar and throwing me out, how do you even fucking miss that when you stood next to me, and I remember being outside and looking at him, I was

like, you fucking drunk moron, I can see you looking for me, you dumb twat, and then these three young black kids came up to me, who'd been in the McDonald's, and I never put this in the story, because it wasn't funny, it was just depressing, and they came up to me, and it had been them that had heard me say it, and complained to the bouncer, and this kid came up to me, he was about 23, 24, I was about 33 at the time, he went, you never use that word man, and I was like, drunkenly, I was like, oh this is awful, he went, you never fucking use that word, and I went, can I tell you what happened, he went, no man, you never, you do, you never never fucking use that word and i went can i tell you what happened he went nah man you never you do you never get to use that word i went and i nearly went i'm a big chris rock i said niggas and he went mate i should fucking drop you where you stand and i was like yeah fair

one i deserve it i know why you think you should do that to me but there's a very important tea that you're missing in the banter one of the worst fucking moments and and bondy bondy came out and went where the fuck were you you know like drunk you're drunk mate were you like where were you where the fuck were you mate i was getting fucking thrown out for being racist and nearly got banged out by a group of fucking lads who were rightly pissed

if I'd have got knocked out in my head I'd have been like yep my fault three black lads attacked a white guy in York last week did you hear about it yeah and the white guy says

my bad absolutely my bad fully deserved it lad you need to find the footage of that i'll subtitle it for you i'll do it for you i'll do all the subtitles and put it out because that routine because you don't really do that anymore do you you don't do it i haven't done it for years exactly so that that routine not being online is such a waste of gold material. Get the podcast more listeners.

That routine. I know, but in my head, I want to bring it back and I want to record it properly because I had it recorded at a gig in Leeds and it was fine. The recording's fine, but it's not brilliant. The weird thing is with material, and you know this, sometimes you've got to tune it up. It's like a fucking race car engine.

You've got to tune it up and it doesn't just, you don't just bring it out of the drawer and it's perfect one of the members of the frog the frog staff asked to see it about four months ago and it was amazing because they were like so we've been talking about that bit niggit mcchuckin still people still message me sometimes and go mate i fucking love niggit mcchuckins and liam the manager of the Frog shout out to Liam he's a fucking ledge he was like oh we were telling he's such a miserable legend but he's brilliant he's Danny Mac if Danny didn't

do comedy he's so he's such a good guy and he was like oh I was telling so and so about Niggett McChuckins and they want to see it will you do it tonight I was like oh it's been such a long time I was telling so and so about nigger chuckins and they want to see it will you do it tonight I was like oh it's been such a long time I was like tell you what

it's hard to just whip an old routine out isn't it I kind of knew it and I was like I'll do it I'll do it even if it's an abridged version I'll do it so Beat the Frog it's about a 5-6 minute story I did a quicker story sometimes I do 5 minutes the first act hadn't done so great

so I needed to do some material it worked out well i did the whole niggat mccracken's material it went really well in the room not as tuned as it used to be also five three four years later racism has as really fucking reared its nasty head and a lot of younger audiences like not as comfortable and you're like yeah a joke suits its time or whatever the guy who i was bringing on i'd never met him before classic beat the frog was a fucking black guy it it was one of the most awkward handshakes i've ever done as a compare bringing a comedian on stage. It looked like, it looked like I had, out of nowhere,

looked to the line-up, looked who's on and go, oh, he's black. I'll do that Niggy McChuckins thing before I bring him on. I can't remember his name. He walked on and everyone was laughing.

He went, yeah, how you doing man you're all right yeah yeah it's nice to see dan first first time i've seen him since that fucking since that mcdonald's in york you know the victoria's secret routine i mentioned before for those who haven't seen it and you'll see it on the special that's going to come out soon it it's all the the routine is is it's a composite of fat phobia and transphobia. People who are transphobic and fat phobic. And I did the Frog and Bucket

maybe six, nine months ago now. And on the I was headlining the whole weekend. No. I was opening the whole weekend. I was also at the Comedy Store the same night in Manchester. On the Thursday, I opened, they had a middle act

and they had a different close there. And then the Friday and Saturday, there's a comic who is transgender called Bethany Black. And the compere had seen my routine on the Thursday. And I won't name the compere, but the compere went, ooh, I watched you last night and that Victoria's Secret routine is great but are you going to do that tonight when Beth's

on and I went of course I am and he went are you sure and I was like yeah because if I wouldn't do that routine in front of someone who is transgender I shouldn't be doing it at all and when I come off Beth was like that routine is amazing because it's not transphobic it it talks about transgenderism but that that

it annoys me that there's there's comedians in who are getting booked who don't understand the difference between transphobia and a joke about being trans no it's like they're very very very different things it's like audience members comedians and promoters who don't know the difference between talking about race and racism being racist yeah yeah so because so if you can't listen to this podcast and go oh my god if you listen to us being dicks about race of course you're playing with the acceptability of race of of stereotypes, of junk. A comedian's job is to make people laugh. I shouldn't be doing jokes that you can hear from the footquit at the pub. That's not my job.

That's the job of the footquit at the pub, right? Comedians' jokes are to find where the line is of political correctness, acceptability, right and wrong, and then navigate where you can push funny before it becomes unacceptable. Not for every comic, but for a lot of comics, that sort of our job is to push that line, and that's our job.

And if you can listen to this guy, I think when they say that the MP for Scalmadel is Chinese and they're working a takeaway, that's just a hate crime, fam. Come on. I'm so glad you mentioned the line because here's my attitude towards comedy, right? What I'm trying to do

is dance along the line. That's literally what I'm trying to do with my stand-up. I want to be on the line and dancing on it. When you dance on the line, occasionally one of your feet is going to go on the wrong side of it. And that's okay. It's okay for one of your feet to go on the wrong side of the line.

As long as you go, do you know what? I really didn't mean to put my foot on that side of the line. I'm aiming for the line and the left-hand side of it. As long as you're nudging the line. As long as your foot's just nudging towards the line. You know? As long as you don't sit down I don't want to be

on the line I don't want to be towards it I want to be on it I want to be oh you can't touch me dance like nobody's tweeting so yeah Otter I need a piss

give me two seconds oh jeez you can fill he's going for a wee so Dan's gone for a wee ladies and gentlemen so I think the thing for me today was to try and fill some time it's very hard to be put on the spot to do that

what we're going to do when he comes back is we're going to have a word from our sponsors and then we're going to do our accent off and impression off which you guys have demanded someone messaged us a while back and said you should do it because we obviously do a lot of scrupulous accents and impressions on this back and said you should do it, because we obviously do a lot of scrupulous accents and

impressions on this podcast. Someone said you should try and do an accent impression off, and we'll vote on who we think is the best at doing accents and impressions. Do us a favour. Look, he's gone to toilet here. Regardless of how this goes, and I've got a feeling he might be slightly better than me at this shit. Just

vote for me. It'd be really funny if, like, if we're just, like, if we're just like, if we're almost as good as each other or he's slightly better, but the vote is like 90% me and 10% him. The vote will be done on Twitter. Go away, girl.

Yeah. And my comedy special, which is going to be called Club Comic, is coming out dead, dead, dead soon. If you could all go and watch it and tell your friends about it when it comes out. People are looking for stuff to watch at the minute. It's going to be about 45 to 50 minutes of stand-up content shots at the Comedy Store in London.

Of dancing on the line. Really. Of dancing on the line. Please go and watch it when it comes out. He's back, ladies and gentlemen. He's back. That was a good one. Have a wee. You know when you're just like wee and you're like, oh, that's genuinely fucking enjoyable.

Oh, let's do some accents. Come on now. Come on now. What we need to do, I don't know whether you've forgot this bit, we need to have a word from our sponsors at Vauxhall Comedy Club. Yeah, we're not doing a have a word today, are we not? We're just doing the accents and then closing out. We don't need to do it.

But I read, like, we're already an hour and twenty in. I feel like we'll do the accents and then that'll probably be the end of it. I reckon. I reckon. Right, okay. Cool. Good. Vauxhall Comedy Club. Go visit them. Like their page. Right. Okay. Cool. Good. Voxel Comedy Club. Go visit them. Like their page.

Follow their Instagram. Do what you need to do. You don't need to do the advert before the advert. Daniel, shut your mouth. I'm doing what I need to do. Voxel Comedy Club coming up next. I want you to like them

on Facebook. Follow them on Facebook. Oh my God. Follow them on Facebook. Follow them on Twitter. Follow them on Instagram and go to their website which is in the advert and I don't really know. Stop doing the fucking advert

before the motherfucking advert. Alright, first accent back off the advert is Black American Gangster. Pow. Now then, everyone, let's have a quick word about Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London town.

Now, obviously, there is a fucking pandemic going on. No one's going comedy for a while. But as soon as they are, if you live anywhere near London, if you're down visiting in London and you fancy some stand-up, some of the best comics in the world will be playing Vauxhall Comedy Club, which is, surprise the fucking prize, in Vauxhall. So basically, they've helped the podcast out massively by sponsoring

it in our time of need, and when we're out of the fucking bunker, when we do our first live tour of this podcast, the Have A Word show for London will be at the Vauxhall Comedy Club. If you're down there and you fancy seeing some stand-up after the apocalypse, give Vauxhall Comedy Club a try.'re down there and you fancy seeing some stand-up after the apocalypse, give Vauxhall Comedy Club a try.

In the meantime, give them a follow on Instagram at Vauxhall Comedy Club, on Twitter at Vauxhall Comedy, and on Facebook they're just

Vauxhall Comedy Club. Join the mailing list so they can tell you when they're reopening and what they're doing. It's VauxhallComedyClub.com Adam's already played

this room. I'm really looking forward to playing it They do a bottomless booze ticket On a Friday and Saturday night You get 90 minutes of stand-up Excellent TV comedians Up-and-coming talent

And also bottomless beer and wine There's a spirit and mixer ticket for 35 quid There's just entry for 10 Be a good egg Give them a little follow And we'll see you there After all this shit has blown over Voxel Comedy Club

That's it. You are listening to the funniest podcast in the game. It's Have a Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. Right, we're back. What have you got? Domino, motherfucker, what's happening? Brace yourself, fool. So what are we doing?

What's the first one? We're doing a motherfucking accent challenge. If anybody has missed a few episodes, because that might be possible, we've said what we're going to do today is an accent slash impression off. So I've come with five or six accents or impressions. Dan's come with a lot more, actually.

Well, I just went through the Gmail. I went through haveawordpod at gmail.com and went through all the accents that went through haveawordpod at gmail.com and went through all the accents that people have asked us to do. Yeah, and basically we're going to, me and Dan are both going to try

every impression that either of us suggests and we want you to go to twitter.com slash haveawordpod. If you don't already follow us on Twitter, please go and do that. It's at have a weird pod. There's going to be a poll on Twitter, which will go live from, uh,

straight after this episode comes out. And I'll probably put it on for a full day. Let's have a full day poll between Adam and Dave, who is the best at doing accents impressions. And I tell you what, I'm very fucking competitive and I really want to win this. Okay? Do you know,

I just had a little drunken moment. This is how, this is where I've got to in alcohol. I just, I just took a drink from a beer. I was like, how amazing is it that Laura brought me a beer? She's so lovely.

She's really nice. And I did a pub quiz last night via Zoom for the Redmen TV. Shout out to the Redmen TV, by the way. If you're a Liverpool fan and you don't already follow them, they've done quite a lot for this podcast. They've given us a lot of shout outs. They really have, haven't they? Yeah. At

the Redmen TV on Twitter, and it's probably similar on Instagram, and the Redmen TV on YouTube. They're fantastic. They're proper sound lads. They've helped us a lot. If you're a Liverpool fan who listens to this who don't already follow them, go and follow them. I did a pub quiz for them last night and

everyone got a little bit drunk and Jade got me a beer that night so shout to my missus, shout to your missus. We've got good missus. Just don't marry a dickhead, guys. Don't cohabit with the bellend. Or girls as well. Just fucking find someone who's nice to you,

who you want to bang, who just makes your life better. Fuck me. Don't pee on their foot. Just be nice to them. What's the first accent? Is it Black American Gangster? Is that really what we're doing?

Let me just remind you how much fun I'm having. If you like pina coladas, get in touch. Motherfucker, I could do fucking, like, fucking Boys in the Hood all motherfucking day long. Y'all don't even know. Breach yourself, fool. Domino, motherfucker. What's happening?

Hope you find your way down Compton Avenue, motherfucker. What have you got? Listen, boy. You better fucking get yourself before you wreck yourself. I am a black American gangster. Ah! Yes, he said it! He said it!

He said... He said, I'm a black American gangster. You can't hang with Adam fucking Rowe. I will fuck you. I'll fuck your wife. I'll fuck your kids. I'll do what I need to do to make sure my money is paid. Go fuck yourself. Fuck your your mother fuck your father i better be paid tomorrow fucking morning and good fellas and can i just say

i hope i get to listen to a rap or hip-hop album that starts with i'm a black American gangsta! And that album is Ron Seal by Snoop Doggy Dog. That's exactly what it says on the tin. Oh, that was good. One down. That's one down. Want me to do one of mine? I reckon I've had that one. I'm just keeping score.

Alright, okay, go. No, no, no, no, no. You're not the judge. No, God is my judge. Only God can judge me. We're doing Mexican. Oh, God. Are all these going to be racist?

Yeah. Yes. So this is a Mexican who runs a Chinese restaurant in Southport. Are you drinking? I want to hear you're Mexican who runs a Chinese restaurant in Southport. Southport, for those who don't know, is in the northwest of England, near Liverpool. Hey, gringo.

Welcome to my Chinese restaurant. Oh, it's going to be so nice. We're going to do prawn toast. Oh, have you ever been to a large street? Oh, it's going to be so nice. We got all types of prawn toast. Pink prawn toast. Smelly prawn toast.

Dirty prawn toast. Tesco prawnontos. Have you seen Dust Till Dawn? No. I didn't think so, because you really didn't get the reference. Mate, watch Dust Till Dawn. It's an amazing moment where they get to the bar, and there's a guy outside, and he says,

all the types of pussy, and that's what I was referencing. And the way you stopped laughing, I was like, yeah, you've definitely not seen the we got smelly pussy green pussy yellow pussy we got ching pussy all types of pussy we've got welsh pussy we've got vegan pussy we've got why haven't we done one of these before? We're going to do these every fucking Saturday, bro. I want to change the name of the podcast. You ready?

Right. So, this is a Mexican. It runs a Chinese restaurant. It's so fucked up. This is a Mexican, he runs a Chinese restaurant. It's so fucked up. Please, if you don't start with, I'm a fucking Mexican and I'm on a Chinese motherfucking

Southport, I'll be disappointed. Go on. Go on. Go on, sorry. Wait, stop laughing at me like that my head's gone warm my name is My name is... My name is Richard Rodriguez.

Richard! Richard Rodriguez! No, Ricardo! My name is Richard... My name is Richard. Welcome to my Chinese restaurant here in Southwood. I am from Mexico, originally. I've traveled a lot.

I have traveled a lot. How much time did he spend in Uganda? Your fucking hook boot Not an hook boot Hey Richard Your fucking hook boot I'm Richard Rodriguez baby I run a Chinese restaurant here in Southport

You can get Barbecue ribs You can get Salted chicken You can get You can get salted chicken. You can get fries. You can also get tacos because I am a Mexican and I will not forget where I come from.

I am Richard Rodriguez. This is a Mexican accent. Oh, gosh. 2-0 to me. Next one. What have you got? You're next. You've got to do the next one next you've got to do the next one me

oh i still recovered after richard rogues rodriguez not ricardo jellybean wants us to do texas okay go on you you go first. Well, I tell you what, boy. You're gonna... I tell you what. I tell you what! Boy, let me finish my goddamn impression. You come down to the great state of Texas,

we're gonna show you a good time, boy. We're gonna show you around all the cities. Dallas, Houston, fucking San Antonio. I tell you what, we're gonna have a real good time. We're gonna show you around all the cities Dallas, Houston, fucking San Antonio I tell you what, we're gonna have a real good time We're gonna party like it's 19-fucking-99 That's the Dallas Cowboys

Haven't won a championship since fucking 94 or some shit But Tony Romo been replaced by Dak Prescott And then we've got Jilly Bean She's supporting the fucking Texas Houston's. Houston, Texas. Damn. God damn it. I made a goddamn

mistake. The great state of Texas. Fucking Lone Star State. Dan Nightingale, you come on my podcast, try to do that bullshit fucking Texas accent when you know I spent my whole life researching the Texas accent.

I will fuck you up. I will fuck your family up. I'm from Texas, motherfucker. I will fight you. I got guns. Of course I got guns. Go fuck your scandal family. Now do a white guy.

Now do a white Texan. This is Texas, motherfucker. I'm from Memphis, Tennessee. You're from Memphis? Did you just say while you were doing a Texas impression, I'm from Memphis, Tennessee?

That's literally like going, I'm fucking Scouse. I'm from fucking Tadcaster, North Yorkshire. Oh, my God. Oh, you mate. That was the blackest Texan. And to be

fair, there is black Texans. So to be fair, on a technicality, Jellybean. God damn it, boss. It might go next, isn't it? I get to pick one. Yeah. So this isn't an accent. This is an impression.

I want to hear your Al Pacino. She got a great ass, and you got your head all the way up it. That's it. That's it. That's my Al Pacino. I do the one scene from Heat. What movie is that from?

From Heat. She got a great ass and you got your head all the way up it. That's it. That's my whole... I don't... My Al Pacino comes from

the scene in The Devil's Advocate where Keanu Reeves 1744 to 2020 He's not dead. Realizes that Al Pacino is not only his dad, but is also the devil. Okay? Ready?

Who could deny that the 20th century was entirely mine? And scene. I don't see. I'm Al Pacino. This is the thing. I'm a gangster in some movies. I'm the devil in others. I shout

when I need to. Sometimes I'm just real quiet. You know, I'm Al Pacino. Oh, funny. That nightingale's funny too old that's too old no i make it i make that three what i'm gonna give you that one because i don't like impressions. But to be fair, the way you committed to it, and it's the first impression you've not done as a black guy.

You're Texan, you're Mexican. In fact, you're Texan and you're Mexican were more black guy than your actual black guy. black guy than your actual black guy? An hour and 36. Sunderland. Someone asked for Sunderland. I, you know,

like, I'm just, I'm from Sunderland. I try and play football as often as I can. You know, I'm Jordan Henderson. Grew up in the mean streets of Sunderland. And, you know, I'd have played for me boyhood club for a long time if... I had to move to Liverpool to become a European Cup winning champion. I have now lifted the European Cup in the next year. Sunderland. For us, it's the champions.

It's like a little bit more sing-songy like Neil Gasser. We've got to win the Premier League title as Liverpool players to remember these legends to end that 30-year week. How do you know that if you just keep targeting it doesn't make it fucking like loads better? My Sunderland accent is like a little bit, I don't know, you're just a little bit twangy, a little bit whiny. Do you know what I mean? You just sound like a Joeordie who likes being bummed.

That's so fucking offensive. How dare you call me a fucking Geordie. I'll take a fucking dick right up my ass before I become a fucking Geordie. That's four one. Me? Am I winning?

Are you fuck winning? You fuck winning. You did some of them, so I get to pick the next one, don't you? So, it's Jamaican. If this sounds Mexican, I'm ending the pod right now. Hello! Welcome to the island of Jamaica! Jamaica!

Want me to go first on this one? Please do. The thing is, Dan Nightingale, you do not know what it is like to be from Jamaica. You cannot possibly impersonate me and my people. I'm from Jamaica. I smoke weed a lot. Mate, Adam,

cannot ask... No, no, no, no, no. This is the time for you to listen and not to speak, you fucking scandal. Why you go and shout? Why you go and shout so much, bruh? Listen to me now. Listen to me now. When you're from the island of Jamaica,

you don't need to be shouting all the time. You're loud, bruh. You're loud. You're too, you don't need to be shouting all the time. You're loud, bro. You're loud. You're too loud. You're going to do every impression, making my ears pierce, you know. Listen to me. Have you ever watched the West Indies play cricket, the beautiful game of cricket? You don't need to be shouting.

Watch a fucking Malibu advert, you know. Oh, man, it's total gridlock. The thing is, Malibu. The music of Bob Oh man, it's total gridlock. The thing is, the music of Bob Marley does not need to be... Malibu made, bottled and flogged from Southern California.

You are a fucking traitor to the Jamaican island. Right, okay. That went Ugandan warlord there. Don't call me a fucking ugly he's a

smash this this score is getting a little bit Istanbul 2005 mate you're gonna

need a fucking epic comeback here it's half time we're gonna need something fucking special walk through

a storm hold your hand up high Walk through a storm. Hold your head. Hey, don't cry. And don't be afraid. Oh my God, he's actually singing You'll Never Walk Alone. Of the dark. At the end.

Can we do it in an accent? Do it in an accent. Of the storm. Of the storm. Of the storm. There's a golden sky. Go on, carry on, sorry. You will never walk alone. Not around Uganda.

It's not safe. That's Nigerian and we're not doing that. Stop being a prick. You wouldn't know the difference between Ugandan and Nigerian if they both bang Jade. Hey, but I wouldn't mind the fucking PayPal money. Alright. Fucking black country. I'm bored of black country.

Oh. Fuck, I don't know who sent them in. I've not read it. Where are way off oh let's wrap this up now right we're in the final hurdle now we're in the we're in the final hurdle someone and you know who you are i've just not fucking written your name down this is the four they've asked for brazilianuggler, Norwegian whaler, and I'm not even making this up. I haven't made this up.

Scottish nonce, Irish tranny. Pick one of them and we'll do it. I reckon Scottish nonce. Right, Scottish nonce. Scottish nonce for the win. E. How are you getting on with your sats Or your TCS

Are you doing well in your Year 9 sats Did they definitely do sats In Scotland And I'll teach you how to do Differentiation Who fucking Come here

What are you fucking looking at? You dirty wee little bastard. I fucking like you. I like the way you fucking dance. With your fucking Pokemon pyjamas. I'm no fucking bothered about

Celtic at Rangers. I'll fucking... I'll bang a mascot from Partick Thistle. I don't give a shit. I'll even try, I'll get the fucking bus to fucking Dumbarton, I don't give a fuck, I'm fucking, that is shinnista, you know, get right up fucking close to the microphone, and get fucking really weird, why does this feel so fucking natural to me, by the way? I like it. Definitely tell your fucking parents. Hey, stop it, because at the minute I want to fuck you

and I don't know what that says about my mom. Never mind me weeing on legs. You'll be like, Jade, Jade, I want to try something different tonight. I know I've had three gins. Could you do Scottish nuns get the fuck you dirty

wee bastard can you do Jack Nicholson let's try a Jack Nicholson I'm no fucking that's me I'm fucking done

I'm fucking this is my fucking raison d'etre no I wanted to do Jack Nicholson I was saving

so last time I'll do Jack Nicholson in the saving it to last all purpose I'll do Jack Nicholson in the fucking shine then Oh! Oh! Here is fucking Johnny by the way No do Jack Nicholson gone Fucking this is my Jack Nicholson

Stop it! Stop being a Scottish paedophile I know I know That's so fucking good Stop being a Scottish paedophile! That's so fucking good. I love that. Stop being a Scottish paedophile and do Jack Nicholson. No. I'm no.

I fucking love that. Just do your fucking shite impression, by the way. I eat lunch a hundred yards away from 12,000 Cubans who are trying to kill me. So if you think you're gonna come here, flash your badge and make me nervous. Here it comes. Keep going, big boy.

Go and do the fucking impression. Fae fucking... What's the impression? That is... You gotta finish that fucking impression fae a fucking few good men. Go and say it. Come on, shit. Do the fucking life. We live in a world that has to be guarded by men with guns. Who's going to do it?

You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? No, me. No fucking me. I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. I can't fathom. Fuck off.

Keep going. You want me on that wall. You need me on that wall. I fucking love that wall. I fucking pushed on that wall. Keep going. You want answers? Yeah. I fucking pushed on that wall. Keep going. You want answers? You can't handle the truth!

Oh. Adam, that's fucking lovely. Why are you still doing this? And why am I still erect? I'm not fucking stopping by the way i fucking want that i'm so fucking pushed that's gonna be really hard going downstairs to laurie like hey this is the longest episode we've ever done what's for fucking tea oh bastard do you want a song so that we can call this a pod it's not not a pod, but we'll call it one anyway.

I don't want a song. Just fucking sing You'll Never Work Alone. There's a fucking black guy. That'd be amazing. When you walk. Oh, Adam, I've not been recording. I have. It's fine.

I've got it all, bro. Oh, Adam, I've not been recording. I have, it's fine. I've got it all, bro. Oh, God. Right, that's enough now. Feel bloated. Okay, so today's band is called the Crying Beauty Queens. I fucking love that band. It's just Crying Beauty Queens. Oh, I love it when they cry.

I can't. Crying Beauty Queens. I love it when they cry. On Twitter, they are at CBQBand. On Facebook, they are CBQBand. On Instagram, they are CBQBand. And their website is cryingbeautyqueens.com. This is their song Darling. If you do enjoy this, go and follow them on the aforementioned social media this is darling from crying beauty queens we'll see you in two days when we're over this hangover have a good weekend lads see you mate love you

Bye, Felicia. Bye, Felicia. Fucking bye, Felicia. You dirty little bitch. I know you're going to... It's not... What? Get back, my friend. Fucking...

I'm stopping my garden. All right, you dirty bastard. I've been losing sleep And getting drunk on jealousy I've been trying to make ends meet But all these years have made me weak I've been losing sleep and getting drunk on jealousy I've been trying to make ends meet, oh these years have made me weak

I've been losing sleep, I've been dreaming carelessly About what we could have been, but you know I won't rest tonight My door is always open, but you won't make up your mind Please let the blue out of my eyes I sense your nerves, darling, I don't mind I see my head, your birthmark, yet you don't realize I cause in my head you're perfect Yet you don't realize I sleep in the other mind I've been losing sleep and thinking thoughts of feeling free

I've been trying to guarantee That what we'd make out to be I've been losing sleep, only I, but you and me I've been trying to make ends meet But all these years have made me weak And I love you But you're not arrested And my door is always open

But you won't make up your mind Please make up your mind Please make up your mind I'm not such a nervous Darling, I don't mind Cause in my head you're perfect Yet you don't realize The secret of your mind Oh, no. We'll be right back. And I beg you, if you would walk with me tonight My door is always open, but you won't rest tonight My door's always open

Bet you won't make up your mind Please make up your mind I'm not such a nervous Darling, I don't mind I see my head, you're perfect Yet you don't realize The secret of my mind That you don't realize Secretly in your mind And I'd ask you

But you know I'm sick tonight You know you're always welcome But you seem too wet to shine There's no hope in your mind I'm not such an wretches, but baby, we have time Cause in my head you've heard that, but you don't realize It's a secret I'm hiding As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors, like high blood pressure developed during pregnancy,

which can put us two times more at risk of heart disease or stroke. Know your risks.