Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #301 with John Bishop - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: November 4, 2024

Zoe's Place Fund: https://www.justgiving.com/campaign/zoesplaceliverpool-newhomeTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, if you haven't already seen me shouting about this all over social media, Friday the 8th of November 12pm on the Have A Word YouTube channel, my brand new stand-up special What's Wrong With Me goes live. It's my fourth full-length stand-up special, self-produced, produced by the team in-house here at Have A Word. It looks incredible, it sounds incredible and I'm really proud of the hour to stand up. I toured it all over the world. I've absolutely loved doing it. And I can't believe we finally got it ready to release. We're releasing it for free on YouTube,

12 p.m. Friday the 8th of November. Do us a favor, I want you to watch it. I want you to comment on it. I want you to like it. I want you to share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it on your Instagram stories. Send it as many places as you possibly can for me. Let's get some numbers on this thing

and show these big streaming services that they were wrong to not be interested in it. This is independently produced, that has never been a standup special, produced to this standard, released for free on YouTube. I'm so, so, so excited about this and I know you're all gonna love it. So do us a favor, watch it, tell your mates about it

and let me know what you think of it. Friday, the 8th of November, youtube.com slash Have A Weird Pod. It's gonna be a belter. Enjoy the episode as well. I've already recorded that and that was class two. See you soon. Dead excited, let's go. What's happening lads, before we start this week's episode

of the Have A Weird Podcast, do us a favor, make sure you're following us on all social media. We are at Have a Weird Pod on Twitter, Instagram and TikTok. And on top of that, don't forget to go and subscribe to the Patreon page, patreon.com slash have a weird pod, early access to these episodes, an extra episode just for you lot every single week on Patreon. And don't forget those monthly specials of which there are 40 plus now. They're basically a movie every single month.

Patreon.com slash have a weird pod. Enjoy the episode. It's a belter. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Hello. Hello everyone. Oh, it's the have a word podcast. We've all got residual makeup on. I don't always wear eyeliner.

Struggled, even Seneca couldn't get mine off. So let's just contextualize our last few days in case we fuck up here. Cause we're all a little bit hung over, a little bit ropey. And we might slip up a couple of things here. So this is part one of the John Bishop episode, which we recorded on Monday. After we recorded this week's Patreon

And last night was the Halloween themed lock-in which goes out before this episode. Yeah. Yes Wow time travel, baby So there you go. I don't mind the eyeliner look just doesn't suit me, you know, I think it does suit Yeah, I told listen. I'm a bald dude with like thick black rim glasses. You can't then wear eyeliner. That's too much. Eyeliner makes your eyes look smaller, doesn't it? Does it?

Yeah, so if you've got big glasses, it's not making them look big, it's just, you know. Glenn Wool used to wear a bit of eyeliner on stage, cowboy hat. So did Ozzy Osbourne. Yeah, but Ozzy Osbourne isn't a stand-up comedian. That's why I thought he was. Alice Cooper. Yeah, but these are rock stars guys. Sharon Osbourne.zy Osbourne isn't a stand-up comedian. That's why I thought he was. Alice Cooper? He will be called. Yeah, but these are rock stars guys.

Sharon Osbourne? Sharon Osbourne. My mum, you know. Women. A lot of women wear eyeliner. And I'm a big fan of it. I just don't think at 43 I can. Are you whinging about your back still?

Yeah. Finn didn't come for a pint last night. Didn't come to Booza because his back was sore. I think it really is sore. Yeah. I think he's not great. Have you been for a massage? No, tomorrow I'm booked in with Dan's lady, his wife, Laura. Yeah. She's going to rub the fuck out of him. What type of masseuse is she? The good one. one. What type of massage does she specialize in? Cause he needs a sports massage.

All he needs to tell her. He's well, she's a sports masseuse. My physio do a good job for you. Fuck this. Like lady off. A physio would be better. Yeah. Yeah.

You're well better. You need a, he just said you need a sports massage. No, what she does. He needs a physio therapist. What the fuck do you know about it? You're not a fucking medical doctor. And me coming in?

No. It's good fun to pontificate, innit? Before you were like, no, you should go to a hospital so they can be like, oh yeah, your back's fucked. Rather than someone making it worse. You should go to a physio. And the soos doesn't know about the... There's a Chinese lady that dangos to see three or four times a year

when he's full of cum. Like, you can't be fucking getting air to do your back. Thank you. It works so well. You've got a back spasm, you get wanked off and then pow. I think it's just getting wanked off, makes everything better. Not everything.

I'll block my leg, wank it off. I do feel better. You would feel better? Yeah. This is a busy carriage on this train, innit? Getting wanked off would make it better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever had any sexual intercourse

on any source of trans course? With himself on a stagecoach or Megabus? As a stagecoach, I'm a classy wanker. I've never done the mile high, but I did stick a finger in on takeoff. So about, you know, 2000000 feet I'm in that club no I've never so I've never done the the the plane but I did get a blowjob at Darlington train station once on the train or on the no we were we were on the we were in here

what was it just the mood took you a quick come the way, if you managed to get a blowjob while it was stopped, just letting people on and off. Full to completion. Taylor Ryan could do it. Yeah. So that's it. Just the train. Just dial-o-train to the... Your car, surely? Oh, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Audi. I fucked my car. I got the train down to London with my ex-girlfriend once. And while we were on the train, she put like her legs across me, like to just get comfy.

And when we got to London, she was like quite clearly in a mood with me, just out of nowhere. And I was like, I was, she was older than me and I was like 22 at the time, so you know what I'm talking about. And like she, like legs across me, that was it. I was like, you all right?

She was like, yeah, I'm fine. And we got to the hotel and she was like, we had sex and she was like, I needed that. And I was like, is that why you were in a mood? She was like, yeah, I'm fine. And we got to the hotel and she was like, we had sex. And she was like, I needed that. And I was like, is that why you were in a mood? She was like, yeah. I put my legs across on the train. So I thought you'd take me to the toilet and fuck me. And I was like, that is not the message I got

from you putting your legs across on the train. Wow. Was that the universal sign for fuck me, huh? Apparently. Wow. I did not know that. Laura does not know that international sign. She's does it all the time. Have you and Serec, have you and Serec almost have bonked in

some good gaffes? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. There's no dialogue train station with Carl. Yeah. You're right. Planes, trains, automobiles. Not planes. Isn't that illegal now? Like can't you go like do full joke for that? Oh, but that's the fun. Not planes, isn't that illegal now? I can't, you go like do full job. Oh, but that's the fun of it, Carl. It can't be illegal on a plane, you're over international waters. Oh yeah. Lawless land of fuck, mate.

You can shoot someone in a plane toilet. It's allowed. Ah yeah, international air. The captain has authority, so just knock on, say, hey captain, mind if I go and goose me bird in the bog? As long as he's like, crack on. They always open. If you knock on that door, They have to open that's you know, it's managed Hello captain open up open up yet. It's not a hostage situation. I'm not taking over the plane

I'm not mad or out just want to goose me bird in the toilet trains. No, I don't like train travel famously I hate train travel doesn't make me yeah. Yeah. You got a car fog, but cars. Yeah. Yeah. Cars is like pretty standard though. And if that's not wild, no scooter, the DJ never shagged him. Never bummed anyone in a helicopter. This has been a rough start, hasn't it? Jump, jump, jump. Hello there. What about you, Finn? Where do you fog?

I've done boat. Oh, nice. Your dad's boat? Not your dad. Not my dad. I had to get seasick though. So I had to get it over with pretty quick. The seasickness? Yeah. What did you do? What do you mean? Full, full, full intercourse. Yeah. You sexy bastard. Is this inter, do you have a Turkish girlfriend? No, literally by his cousin. Um, just want to go on a holiday with my ex. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, no, I've got loads of birds by my nans in Turkey in the mountains. You went to Turkey again? She wouldn't know her, she goes to another country. She goes to another mosque. Is it, was the boat static? Yeah. Like docked or moored as they'd say. I don't understand what happened. It was parked. I know that tied up on the shore. Yeah. That. And then

my dad had gone the shore wandering into the forest. The beach. Tied up. This beach is shite. There's nowhere to tie me boat. Should have used the marina. Fuck. And I've killed three people that were trying to swim. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it was kind of like my dad went, I'm going for a wander in the forest. I'll see you in an hour. Are you missing me? I've got this shit.

Pardon? There's a forest next to the shore. Where's his tag gone? Hang on. This is a, he's got, it, there's an island like across the way. So we are our hometowns called turgutries and then you get stuck there for ages. And then across, like it's like halfway to cost. There's like an island. Oh, a little mini island, a mini island. Like that one in the middle of Windermere. Have you seen that one? Yeah. Yeah. No one's ever

on it. So it's just like a private beach. So you could be on the beach and go, where's my dad? Oh, he's in the forest. Yeah. Wild. He was a bit mad. And he went, I'm going for a wander in the forest. Hello, mate. I know you're a lady here, mate. I'm going for a wander in the forest, mate. Fucker in the boat, mate. Was that a being cool? I think so. She just put both legs on your legs. That is an international sign. My dad walked in on me shagging someone on his couch once and he said oh for fuck sake had and shut the living room door and went back to bed. He missed work that day. Oh for fuck sake had. That's me good couch. It is a little rude isn't

it banging on your dad's couch. He wasn't watching the weakest link though, he was in bed. It's rude. No, I know it's the, you know, like, once my kids are older, I don't really, you know, they're going to be doing stuff fine. Not on the couch. Where else? No, not even now. It is modest.

You know. So the options were on the couch or on my bed, which boarded his bedroom, so I'd have been smashing shit out of a headboard and letting him know exactly what's going on. I did it downstairs so that he could sleep, so there's not some fucking woman wailing like a banshee in the next room while a fucking headboard's clapping his walls. Don't do him a favour.

Get in the conservatory, girl. You'll be wailing like a banshee. Young Adam Rose, dirty talk. I'll have you wailing like a banshee. Get in the shed. LAUGHTER I think all the couches fine. I think it's quite respectful. Leather as well, non-pores.

It's a non-permeable moment. Oh brilliant, just soaking all fluids in there. Oh it's fine, don't worryable membrane, Dad. Oh, brilliant. Just soaking all fluids in there. Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about it. Just shine it off. Adam, the couch is looking very shiny. It's burning up each year. One day, he opens the door.

I went, it's not porous, Dad. Go back to bed. Your dad sits down to watch the TV. Just fucking slides off. Thanks, almighty. Who's buffed the fucking couch? Like a bowling ball? Yeah, not the couch.

My dad always pretended he was bothered by it. You know, like when I was young, single and still living with him. Like if I brought someone back, he'd always be like, ah, I fucking shouldn't be doing that, bringing people back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then he'd be like, nice one. That close together? Oh, it's in there! I'm going to fucking burst you! You're sending me a miff signal here, then. Absolute fucking joke, this! Lovely tit. It's like someone's listening.

Awful! Don't do that again! Whatever you want, lad. Here's a new key. I know you don't, the one still works, but... I love you. Here's another key. Here's my key. I'm staying in.

I'm moving out. That's great. Mario! Awful! Harry, you must have some sexy places. I'm not... My car's not fit for chagging. So I feel for driving. If I climb out to my car, radio for comes home.

I've done it in a cinema. Oh yeah. Oh really? What film? Was it Inside Out 2? No, we did a bed for Inside Out 2, but it was like this was on a sofa at the top and it was, we went, we went to go watch the strangers chapter one or so it was sheath. So you just walked into that. Oh, you have a finger. Oh yeah. It was, yeah. I'm not, I'm still a cinephile. I'm watching

the film. Did you do cockpall popcorn? You put your cock in the popcorn and go oh no, she did the international sign of of legs over. Did she? Yeah, so it is. It must be an international sign. It's like this film is boring. Finger me. Finger me. Yeah. She didn't say out loud. I mean, you know, no talking this in a way. That's the maddest face you've done it. I thought you'd be a little dirty bugger. I've no talking this in a minute. That's the most I thought you'd be a little dirty bugger. Uh, no. I mean like I've done it like in the street, I guess. In the road, uh, like the same thing. You fucked in the the street what are you talking about like pelican crossing on some steps everyone's very quiet and it's making me like you need to explain story you're talking we've got to listen. Just after a date and uh did it on some steps. It was like

met a girl date steps sex done where where where we in what town philadelphia was the rocky steps rocky steps. It's like Duke Street. Oh, it's like over there. Um, yeah, it's not just a facade. I fuck me. I get it. I get it. I absolutely get it. I love it that you're now leaning into this. On steps and everything. Were you on the top or the bottom? She was sat on the steps and I was like, again, it wasn't full sex. It was just like doing some stuff. Oh, you're doing bits? Yeah, doing bits on the steps.

Duke Street bits. Okay. Sounds like a jazz song. I thought you were doing full sex on. No, I bits on the steps. Juke street bits. Okay. That's like a jazz song. I thought you were doing full sex on. No, I'm not an animal. Has anyone ever had sex on the beach? There's a question. I know it's, you know, it's been made famous by. I don't even like to go and lie down on the beach. No, I don't like sand on my toes. I don't like sand on my toes. I don't want to up my arse and in my bellend. That's what you think happens when you just go to the beach anyway. It is.

If you sit on the beach you've got sand in your bug head. I'm telling you right now if you have sex on the beach that woman is going to be sore for a while because she is getting sand in her poom-poom. Sandy poom-poom. What have you done? No. No. Maybe on one, you know I could see it on like a you know in nice resorts. Private beach. They've got those square, like, poster beds, haven't they? Cabana. Yeah, and you could close the curtains. Things are happening there.

Yeah. But I was on one with Will Hutchby last time I was on one, so it's not the same, is it? No. You ain't got no poof on. No, I'm not. Allegedly. I just think that sounds awful, sex on the beach. That's not a good one, is it?

No, because there's things on the floor that will hurt. The best place to have sex is in bed, the marriage bed. You're a bit of a maverick like that. But like people love like fucking moving it around the house, don't they? And I'm all for it, it's been exciting, do you know what I mean? But like sex around the house is like different stuff from the Chinese.

I know what I really want. I want salt and pepper chicken with curry and fried rice. But occasionally, yeah, I do want beef green pepper and black bean sauce slash sex on the kitchen table. You know, but next week, not having that again for at least six months. What's prawn toast? Bummin'.

I want prawn toast, right? again for at least six months. What's put on toast? Bummin'. I won't put on toast, right? It's not the full meal, like having a little dip. Oh, yeah. How big is your house that you just can't control yourself and you're like, come here. Which means you just go upstairs. No. Let's bang in the pantry. I think that's because you've got kids in your house. Like, and you don't have kids.

No, he's got kids. Oh, yeah. I think I've got kids in your house. Like, and you don't have kids. He's always got kids. He's got kids in his house. Oh yeah, yeah. I think I've got kids in my house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need to give them back. I need to give them back really. I think you can, the moment can take you more

when you're not, there's no worry of a little thing running in a person. You know, it's like you've never talked about children. You know, you know, it's like you've never talked about children. You know, you own small humans and they are want to, you know, come into a room step by step with the human faces and see things. I feel a dog is the same thing. Yeah. Is it? Why? Has it changed for you? He used to be locked away. Yeah. Oh, he, he, well, this can't, Wallace can't, he can't see. He thinks we're wrestling and he wants to play. Oh yeah. You can't get on the bed he's too little. Go away. Yeah but a big dog that is. Yeah, Perry's getting involved. Apparently he doesn't. What's going on here? Really? Apparently when

Jack's fucking Perry's just like I know what what's happening here. I'm going to sit down here and watch the TV. He's like, Oh, this is disgusting. Good on you. Go on, dad. No, don't like that. How do you feel that you hung over? Yeah, I feel I feel wrong. I feel suspiciously good. I don't just feel fine.

I'm having like a good day. I now get hangover anxiety, which I never understood. Yeah. Do you get it? Sometimes. I know you get it loads or maybe all the time. Do you get it? The only time I ever get health anxiety.

Not a health anxiety. But no, but yeah, but my hangover anxiety is about my health. All right. So that's, I don't go, oh, what did I do? No, I honestly heard that. Cause I can watch it. Is that what your anxiety is like? No, I don't go, oh, what did I do? No, I'm not. Cause I can watch it. Is that what your anxiety is like? No, I don't know what it is. And to me that is it. I've just got a feeling. We're like,

oh, yeah. It's called the fear. Yeah. Like I know last night was great. No, it's fine. But I'm like, my body doesn't think that. If I, if I start thinking about my health when I'm hungover, I can that, like I get an insight into what health anxiety is like where you're like, oh God, and it's that awful feeling, isn't it? Like a tension in you while you're spiraling basically. And I'm pretty good at stopping myself and just taking my mind off it,

but that must be an awful feeling. Like it's like you're falling into your own thoughts where you just cannot help stressing out about stuff that might happen and it's just all the stress of being hung over and feeling like shit. Joe apparently did a study recently and 82% of things that people worry about never happen. So just relax.

That's it, that Bill Burcliffe, that Bill Burcliffe's great isn't it? It's like, it's not going to happen. You're going to be fine. You're going to be fine. And if you're not, who cares, deal with it then. It's a great way of getting, just get on with it. He's got such like, like quite a few philosophical quotes for the comic who's like quite abrasive

and bullish and whatever. Like there's a few like clips of his podcast and all the like interviews he's done where he's like really got like a bit of philosophical insight. Like there's that few like clips of his podcast and all the like interviews he's done where he's like really got like a bit of philosophical insight, like there's that one, which is you're gonna be fine. And even if you're not gonna be fine, like just waiting till it's not fine,

deal with it then, there's no point in ruining them right now. Fucking great. And the other one is like, there's no harm in sleeping on a futon in your early thirties. Like you're much better doing that than marrying someone you don't love, having kids you don't like,

and then being in some fucking king size bed next to a woman you don't love, thinking about the kids that you don't like, you'd be dreaming about being on a futon. So go after your dream and don't play it safe. Bill Burr was obsessed with that futon. If you listen back to his old stuff, he's like, there was a period of his life, who is he living with? Bobby? Kelly. Bobby Kelly, like he's just obsessed with that futon. If you listen back to his old stuff, he's like, there was a period of his life, who is he living with? Bobby?

Kelly. Bobby Kelly. Like he's just obsessed with that futon. I really, I find it really funny. Well, I hadn't listened to the Monday morning podcast for about three years and I put it on last week for the first time in ages and he mentioned it in that. I was like, he's still on the futon thing. That futon is Bill Burr. There is a Monday morning podcast. One of the first ones he ever does with someone else that he threw out, this must be 10 years ago,

with Jay Moore, you know Jay Moore? Yeah, best Christopher Walken impression. Who, he's, I think Jay Moore pissed a lot of people off. He's pissed Rogan off, Rogan. Did he, yeah? Yeah, like they had some, Benny, I think Jay's admitted that when he was young and he was doing well, he could be a bit of a dick.

He sort of held his hands up, but he obviously pissed Rogan off and Rogan just never forgot. So Rogan's had nothing to do with him and whatnot. But Bill and Jay get on really well. And I listened to that a few times and it was one of the podcasts that made me go, this is what you wanna be doing as a comic.

You wanna be getting a mate who you fucking bounce off really well. And they're so funny and Jay's doing his impress, he's fucking brilliant impressions. And then he starts doing impressions of people doing like hack 80s standup. And it's fucking class. And he's Bill's like really laughing.

And it was one of the pods that made me go, I really want to get into this. I want to find a way of making this how I do comedy. It's still on YouTube. You can pull it out of YouTube. It's you'll find it. It's, I think it's a great hour of podcasting. If you like Bill Burr, you'll love it. But yeah, Jay Moore, who's, if you can't picture him, he's in, what's he in with Tom Cruise? He's the agent that fucks him over in. He looks like if Mr. Incredible let himself go as a real person. You know, like, Oh yeah, like Ian Dowie. Jerry Maguire.

I nearly said Harry Maguire. You know, Maguire? I nearly said Harry Maguire. You know, in that Tom Cruise film, Harry Maguire. His impression of Christopher Walken is up there with Kevin Pollack. They're the two best, I think, because they do it like properly. Subtly. Yeah.

Have you seen Aries Spears? His, Tony Soprano? His Tony Soprano. Oh, it's fucking brilliant. Unbelievable. It is. The Gabbo Gulp. And he loves it as well because he's a black comic

and he's like, I love that it's a white, someone asked him what his favorite impression is. And he's like, it's- Your favorite. Yeah. Anything that's new, feels like a new child. But I love Tony Soprano. Answer me a question.

Tony, what did you do with the body? It doesn't fucking matter what I did with the fucking body. All the guys are gonna fucking marry it. Shell, pussy, Christopher. They know their fucking position. I'm from the kingdom of Jersey. I run a fucking animal. I'm gonna join a Johnny fucking sack. I'm gonna get married behind a fucking mother bigger.

It doesn't matter. It goes wherever the fucking sand goes. Oh my God. Listen, there's not many people that do it, but it's just the fucking best. It's like the best magic trick in it. You know when magic's a bit like, when people can really nail impressions, it's just such a cool thing to watch.

Like the truly great guys. I used to really love watching Impressionists like when I was growing up. Like the truly great guys. I used to really love watching Impressionist like when I was growing up. Like I loved all sorts of comedy and Impressionist. Like I used to watch Dead Ringer with Jon Kullshaw all the time. And it now blows me mind that like,

I'm just mates with Jam Ravens, cause it's Alfie's mom. So like when she's like dead nice to me and like she comes to the fucking after party arena and like I bump into her like Alfie's dad's celebration show in London. And she's like, as soon as she sees me she puts like a Scouse accent on.

She's like, oh my God, here's the man who has the best parties in the Northwest. Yeah, she was on the telly so much. Yeah, like all the time. And I think it's brilliant. And Alfie, so Alfie won't do impressions that much cause he doesn't wanna be called his mom. He doesn't want to be like,

are you trying to be like your mom? But he's good at them. He is absolutely. Get Alfie to do his Jack Nicholson from a few good men. Yeah, he's good. He is so good at them. And it's the most entertaining thing in the world. Do you think impressions are like,

you don't see them on TV anymore. Do you think that's cause I like TikTok? Cause people can just put it on TikTok and it's like quick entertainment. I think, yeah, I think that's part of it. And that's hard to write well for impress. Like that's the problem, isn't it? With the impression stuff.

They're good at the voice. And then you're like, this isn't funny though. There's no substance on the name. They struggle to make. And then the guys like, what's he called? Ari. Alphara. Alastair McGowan. No, the guy you like, what's he called, Ari? Al Farram. Alistair McGowan.

No, the guy you just played, I've forgotten his name. Eddie Spades. He's a great comic, he's a funny comic. Yeah, he's got this bit about the difference between white parents and black parents when he was growing up. Like his white friend comes over and his mom comes in and says, clean this fucking room,

now this is a fucking joke. Like his wife friend's like, man, you can't let her talk like that, bro. Like she's coming into your space. That's not okay. Like I'll play for you in the break. Go and find it. Eddie Spears. Go on YouTube.

Eddie Spears and just put roots. Just put Eddie Spears roots. Roots in. I just remembered the closing bit of it. It is except. Roots in. I just remembered the closing bit of it and it's fucking fat. It is. Except. It's brilliant.

And check, go and have a look at Kevin Pollack's, Christopher Walken and Jay Mors. We'll watch them all in this break. And also our lunch has just arrived so we're going to go and eat it. Oh fucking cheeseburger! Oh, we are back! Full of burgers. Mmm, that was some good cheeseburger. It wasn't the sauces I thought it was gonna be, you know. That's for a lot of sauce.

You did, you got three lots of sauce on your burger. It's a bit dry. Ketchup, mayo and hot sauce. Love a bit of hot sauce on a cheeseburger. Yes, so do I, but you don't need the other two then. The hot sauce replaces the ketchup. No, I like the bit of hot sauce on a cheeseburger. Yes, so do I, but you don't need the other two then. Hot sauce replaces the ketchup. No, I like the taste of both. And they didn't put enough of any of it on.

Also my controversial burger opinion, meat and cheese, nothing else. I actually got pickles on that one, broke me unreal. Not even onion? No. You'd be the onion. I agree, but the sauce as well, plain. Like if I go Mac's and get a double cheeseburger,

I get a plain double cheeseburger. It's nice with the stuff on, it's better without it. They don't ruin it, but they make it worse. I need some sauces. It's like when we've got Kelli heading home, he doesn't ruin it, but we are worse. That's true. Shall we do some questions?

Simon says, question lids, let's talk about releasing Liam Payne's music posthumously. If you died unexpectedly, would you want your comedy bits to be released after your death, almost like a cobbled together special or something. Um, this happens a lot, doesn't it? Like two pock from before to, yeah, I think, uh, I'm all in on the fact that two packs still alive by the way. I mean, he's knocking out a lot of music. He's loads of stuff's been released. His mom is constantly whipping out Mrs. Shakur's in the loft going fucking out another album. Two Pack just kept leaving these albums in the loft. She's dead now. Former Black Panther, Afini.

Right, cool. I didn't need the facts. Do you know what I mean? I was just doing a bit about Two Pack's mom. Don't add facts to this podcast. That's not what we're doing here. Speculation. She's upstairs. This is what she was doing. She was like, God, I fucking hate white people. Love the Black Panthers. I'll go and clean the loft. Fucking hell. Pax left another album for me. That's nice of him, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. I'll ring the record company.

Isn't it mad that he was called Tupac? That was his name. That's not like a rap name. He was Chris and Tupac. Tupac, that was his name. That's not like a rap name. He was christened Tupac. Tupac Amalouchi call. You fucking love Tupac. Tupac. His favourite thing to do was to pack two cocks in his ass. Oh yeah, you gay theory. He's not a theory mate.

Look at him, look at him talking. Look at him talking in a fucking lighthearted way. Jesus Christ, kid's gay. He went to Juilliard, you know? Do you know what Juilliard is? Very famous clowning school. No, no, no. No, no, no.

Drama school. It's a drama school. He was, and Tupac Shakur, the rapper, was just a character he was playing. And he just did it really well and committed to the bit. He was a young- You're telling this to Carl? Carl knows he's a fucking aficionado. He was a young. You're telling this to Carl? Carl knows he's a fucking fish and all.

He was a young, gay, actor man. And he. It's a bad superhero. He's very good at rapping though, wasn't he? And writing and. Totally. Absolutely. And he was brilliant at it.

And he wasn't gay. But the gangster persona was fake. He was gay. He wasn't a gangster either. And it's disrespectful to his memory. And he's still alive, doesn't matter. But it's disrespectful to his memory to not he's still alive, it doesn't matter, but it's disrespectful to his memory to not tell the truth about him.

He loved cock, and that's great. What you're saying about him not being a gangster is, that's true, he wasn't a gangster. He was playing gangster, that's why he died. Yeah. He wasn't a gangster in any way. He was a rapper who was like, oh, they still sell music.

I'm not saying gay people can't be gangsters, by the way. Everyone can be gangsters now. Gays, women, you know, anyone. Yeah? The gangster games. You're so pro's, women, you know, anyone. Yeah. The gangster games. You're so pro gangster, aren't you? You're just talking it off. I just want everyone to just be whatever they wanna be.

These old Italians have been hogging the game for a long time. Not anymore. Women's, disabled, they're all allowed to be gangsters. Yeah. That's a fact. Yeah. Hector Salamanca was a disabled gangster. Interesting drive-by. That's a fact as well.

Wheel-by. I think it's great as long as they were definitely happy with it. I don't think they were, were they? Why didn't it go out then? Because my specialist is not yet, but like I'm happy about it. Yeah. He'll have written music that he just hasn't done something to do with yet. You don't release everything as soon as you're happy with it, do you?

Like sometimes the schedules and stuff. There's a lot of ones where... Yeah but I mean if it's like 10 years before his death you're like well that wasn't just waiting for a release date. Oh yeah no totally I think it's like his new tunes that they're thinking of releasing. He's done it with Pop Smoke to the death Pop Smoke died so early into his career that they've taken any bit of music that he's involved in any and just crammed it into as many songs as they can possibly fucking make. They did that with Tupac, like ghetto gospel, which is fucking like gotta be one of the

top three songs ever. I think ever. I think it's at least two as well. We'd have been robbed of that if they didn't just release it. What's a better song than ghetto gospel then? Go on, Bohemian Rhapsody. What? That's probably the only one that's better.

Right, where the fuck has this come from? Where's this get all gospel? Yellow Gasbo! Those who wish to follow me, I welcome with my hand, and the red song seems to last until the hills have gone A beast of this young warrior without the sound of guns And that's Tupac. I just reminisced all day, thank you. Tupac, is it? He's deaf, Tupac.

Tupac and Elton John, innit? Tupac and Elton John, gay. Yeah, absolutely. Hello. Elton John's gay, innit? Yeah? Yeah. But he doesn't fuck, does he? Hey listen, Tupac was married. No, do you? Was he? No. He was dating, erm,

who was the fella? Quincy. Quincy Jones? His daughter, Gidarda Jones. Oh, Rashida Jones. Gidarda. Alright. Rashida Jones, famous. Why do you know so much about T 2Pac, Carl? It's freaking me out. I know, maybe not one podcast, but we'll shine a light on it. If you'd have been on my Pixar website back in the day, mate, you'd know a lot about 2Pac and how he was linked to 9-11. Yeah, it's a fact. He's involved in 9-11 heavily.

No, because gay people can do 9-11s as well. Things have changed. Tupac was heavily involved. The ones where you can tell that it's a completely unfinished song, I think is a weird grey area. Pop, pop smoke songs, it does mean it is. Pop smoke, Matt Miller's had a lot of that, where he didn't finish stuff, so you can't, it's weird, isn't it? You're not going to be able to write like he did.

Was it you told me about sitting on the dock of the bay? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And the whistling? That's such a good fact. Say that out loud. Er... Oh, new podcast! The whistling verse of sitting on the dock of the bay... Yeah?

...was... He died before they released it, so that was him going, I'm going to fill this bit with some lyrics at some point, and then he died. Oh, really? Such a good fact. Love it. So he hadn't written the full song but they got to the recording studio? Yeah it's a demo. Oh is it? Or it would have been his vocal demo. It's fucking cool that. Can I ask a question, have you got like Microsoft Word or anything on your computer? I've got something that can open. Yeah. Could you just get that open? Because we're going to need it towards the end of this.

Are there winged things? Yeah. Got games on your phone? Could you like get it up? Is that alright? Because I just want to see what Dan thinks about this. Because I've just remembered these, right? I don't think we've found these before and done it on the pod.

But do you know how many coincidences there are with 9-11 that just makes you think, is this what we're doing? Yeah, we have done this before and you forgot. No, no, we went to and I couldn't find it. All right, okay. Right. This, by the way, If at the end of this, I think Tupac has done 9-11,

I'll be impressed. No, Tupac's more involved in the 11 than you'd ever think. This is not the Tupac one. But they were very linked. Yeah, yeah, I'll find them in a minute and you'll see. 1997. 1997. So listen to this. Get your dad down this time.

Right? 96. Biggie was 97. Biggie dad, 97. Oh, thanks. So first of all, New York City has 11 letters. Right? Oh my God.

Afghanistan. Oh my God. Has 11 letters. Oh, well. Afghanistan. Oh my god. Has 11 letters. Oh, laugh. Fucking. Ramzan Youssef, the terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993, has 11 letters. George Bush has 10, but if you put the W in the middle, George W Bush, 11 letters. That's why he puts it there as well. Now that could be a coincidence. Gets more interesting. Okay. New York is the 11th state. The first plane crashing against the twin towers was flight number 11. Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers.

What's nine plus two, Dan? What is it? It's 11. Flight 77, which also hit the twin towers. Obviously that would be 14, but ignore that. It was carrying 65 passengers, six plus five, 11. And two sevens, looks like 11. The seven rhymes with 11 as well.

The tragedy was on September the 11th, or as it's also known, 9-11. What's nine plus one plus one? 11, and so they got an known, 9-11. What's nine plus one plus one? 11, and so they got an 11 in 9-11. And what's 11? 11 is 11. Oh, wow. The date is equal to the US emergency services number,

isn't it? 911. 911, and those two ones make 11. So at this stage, if you're still not like, oh, that's mad, there's more to come, okay? The total number of victims inside the hijacked planes was how many? Should know this.

254, what's two plus five plus four? Oh, no. No. Finch has said on there, what does two towers look like? Looks like an 11. Looks like an 11. Oh my God, and who won the Premier League that season? Leicester City.

Was it Man United? They had 11 players. Yeah, and they had 11 players on the pitch. Oh! I bet you that was their 11th big trophy under Sir Alex. Sir Alex Ferguson did 9-11. September 11th is the 254th day of the year. What's 2 plus 5?

2 plus 5 is 11. 11 is a shit. Yes, it is. The Madrid bombing took place on the 3rd of November 2004. Oh my God! 3 plus 1 plus 1 plus 2 plus 4. 11. Plus 0 plus 0. Madrid bombing took place on the 3rd of November 2004. Oh my god! 3 plus 1 plus 1 plus 2 plus 4. 11.

Plus 0 plus 0. Doesn't add on. I feel very unsatisfied if I didn't do the math and then the answer wasn't 11. The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the twin towers went down. That is a bit mathematical. Now this is where things get totally eerie. And there was a leap year. The most recognized symbol for the U S after the stars and stripes is the Eagle.

The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book for it is written that the son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo while some of the people trembled in despair and still more rejoiced for the wrath of the eagle cleansed the hands of Allah and there was peace. That is verse 9 11 of the Quran. Fuck off. Here's what I've just thought with a dollar sign. Yeah. 11 S September 11th, September 11th or smash. Open Microsoft word and do the following type in it. And it'll ask me in capitals, apart from the numbers, cause they're just numbers.

Q 33 space N Y. So that is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the two towers Highlight that highlight Q 33 space NY. I like it change the font size to 48 Which is one more than 11 You'd add them together and now change the actual font to wingdings and showdown if you can on that screen. So he hasn't got wingdings installed because it's not 2002. Well, let's go again. I mean, you could have gone with 2001 there. He's got another wingdings emulator, which isn't saying that exists. Q33 space

NY font has to be size 48 or it doesn't work. What the fuck? Crazy. Right. Let's get the screen. It is. The screen's off by the way. It's a picture of Paul Ince. It has to be. And who did Paul Ince play for? 9-11. 9-11. It was two Shatums. Is it on? I think that's true as well. It is on but it's tiny. It needs to be. There we go. Oh. Look at that. Look what Wingdings turns it into.

And is that the certified number for the plane? Yeah. So that is a plane going into two towers. And then there's like the biochemical hazard poison warning. And then Star of David. Star of David. So there you go. That's the Muslims. It's surprising but we managed to blame the Jews for 9-11.

Wow that was a long way around to get to that. It's Alex Ferguson got a little bit of mud thrown on him. But in the end it's the Jews. And you know who thinks that? Microsoft Word. So. Is that the actual? How the Jews. And you know who thinks that? Microsoft Word. So. Is that the actual? How many Jews do you know?

I know 11. Flight number? Yes. Is it actually? Because if it is, that is mad innit. It's mad. Windings is telling us. Why do you do it in that accent?

Windings. Who found that out as well? Some cool guy. You blown the lid off it. He stopped fucking all those babes for a second and went do you know what I'm going to have a little look into wingdings. Right, worked that out. It was the Jews. Back to pussy.

Hang on, so what you've told, what's 11? Oh. It's all to do with 11 in it. Just math. I'm not saying it's like proves anything. Just a load of coincidences. Open your mind.

Just open your mind to it. I have now. Yeah. And what, sorry, what did that have to do with 2Pac? I can't remember. Oh, right. No, around that time, if you had a Pixel or a Bebo or a MySpace. I had two pages on my Pixel.

One was 9-11. One was 2Pac. And one was a 2Pac thing. But I feel like there was some of that mixed as well. Like two pack was driving the plane or something, jumped out, did a rap song and moved to Cuba. Right, there was something, I can't remember what it was, was he flying the plane and jumped out and moved to Cuba? It's one of them tenuous links, he was one of the hijackers but he jumped out and he was like nah.

Yeah, Moush Fitz, anyone? Because we've done 9-eleven. Oh there you go. He needed to put it in there. So thanks for that Liam Payne, you know. Yeah, Moushfits anyone? Because we've done 9-11. Oh, there you go. So thanks for that, Liam Payne, you know. Liam Payne, didn't we? We miss you, but you've ended up giving us a great 14 minutes podcasting. Would you be annoyed if something, if it was, you'd been doing new bits and you recorded them on your phone, do you do that? Yeah, I never listen back.

I always tell myself. If someone released some of those. I mean, genuinely. Like if you're business partners. The afterlife is like Dan's idea of the afterlife where I'm just fucking nothing. Then I'm not asked to do whatever you want. I'm dead who gives a shit.

But if there is an afterlife and I'm watching and people are watching me do, they release me doing some stuff that I'm not like gives a shit. But if there is an afterlife and I'm watching and people are watching me do, they release me doing some stuff that I'm not finished with yet. I'd be a bit like, oh, fuck's sake. What do you think about what Norm MacDonald did where he did the special that was- As he was dying.

Yeah, so he knew he wasn't gonna make it to, out of COVID, to do his special. So he did all of his material on a zoom call with no one laughing. Yeah. And then just didn't like wait, waited for laughs and then there was no laughs. I think it's amazing that he did it.

And it's a very normal thing to do, but I wouldn't do that. But he was just a braver and better comic than I am anyway, so. A brilliant mind. How about you, Dan? I've told Laura that if I die, unexpectedly, she's going to burn all my notebooks because I don't want anyone ever looking at them. Why?

Because I'll be like, this fucking idiot can't spell and these ideas are dreadful. But you play a weirdly private thing, your comedian's notebook. I would not want anyone looking at it All the comics I don't want all the comics looking in it I don't want the good ones going what the fuck is this and I don't want the thieving cunts taking ideas that I know Happened once Yeah, I think I'm dying. He stole his job. No someone went through your notebook and then done you bet Yeah, I was sure I saw him about a year later and I was like that is remarkable, remarkable. What a

coincidence that would have been. Also you know the comic, it's not any comic would do that. You have an idea that that is he's the kind of comic that would do that. Could you type their name on that so I can see And so I won't say it, just type out who it is. What's his name? I don't know. Oh, I know. It's Adam Rowe. Only one of them. It's Amy Schumer.

What about if your kids wanted to do your bits? New bits? No man, I don't, I genuinely like, unless, so if Adam dies this week and he knows that what's wrong with me is ready to go, that gets put out doesn't it? That gets put 100%, but everything else is just, I don't want anyone it's done in it. What about your music when someone goes fuck off blows your head off? I'd be happy with the because I've only got demos of most of it there's the odd song that's yeah there's nothing that's like ready to go but you can strip I think it's different because you can take the vocal can't you?

Yeah, no. You can like strip it and then build around that with, whereas with standup, that's it. That's all you've got. Yeah. I need to get some more stuff out. Like I'm bad with recording gigs. I just find it a pest having cameras up,

but now cameras, most comics are turned up to gigs and sticking a camera up. Scott Bennett's had an amazing six months because he's been just chipping away at it. He's always been a great comic Scott, but now he's blowing up because of his clips. Dean's still, Dean Coughlin's still hustling with it. All comics are doing it and I've got lazy

because this has gone so well with Have A Word. I've got to like, I don't want to overdo it. I don't need to, but I need to get more standup out. What about like your old specials? Like is the CD still behind you? Would you release that? No, there's a couple of bits that I brought off that to do in my recent tours, but some of the material just,

old stuff's weird because the sum of bits that you're like, oh, it's brilliant. It's like getting in touch with an old friend or something and you just get on really well. And then there's other bits that are just dead. They die in. Why did I ever talk to you? Yeah, they like, it's so strange how that works.

There was one bit that I did in the last tour that was such an old bit and it was such a simple premise. And it ripped, it did really well. And I tried a few other old bits just cause I was working out how I was gonna make special as good as I could make it. They were like, it's so weird how some stuff just dies over time.

Or you change as people and it doesn't suit where you are in life or whatever, I don't know. I'd love to be able to go back and have tons of material. Like you're good at this, I've seen you do that. You can pull out an old bit. I remember you saying when you went, did you support, was it Chappelle? And you just watched, you watched your clip a couple of times and then went on it.

I'd love the skill of that. Again, Scott Bennett is good at that. He's really good at just going, oh, I've got that old bit. I'm shit with old stuff. I can't remember it. A lot of my old bits, when I go back to them, it feels is good at that. He's really good at just going, oh, I've got that old bit. I'm shit with old stuff. I can't remember it. A lot of my old bits, when I go back to them, it feels literally like muscle memory. I start it and then my brain goes, oh, I know. It's like a song. I just know the song. I saw that. Did you see the clip of Danzell on Graham Norton this week? No.

He recited a play he was in from when he was 22, a whole like Shakespearean like monologue. It's just in there because it's just never the leisure. Yeah, I mean, this is something we've said before. I would love to know how the brain works like that. And like how you forget certain things and you can remember such random shit from your childhood and past. And I couldn't remember Jamar Chase's first name

the other day. I had a mental moment. He's one of the best wide receivers in the NFL. Of course. And Chase came up and I was like, oh yeah, Chase. And then I was like, I was literally like, you know when you're going, oh shit, I'm going so old. I couldn't remember his first name,

but I still know the telephone number of the house that we moved out of in 1998. But you're good with names. Why? I don't need that fucking information. You use that load so it's gone into your long term memory. I'd love to be able to do the fucking... If every day you went, Jemar, Chase, you'd remember it. What, with its own little song? Yeah, making it a song does help though, do you ever do that?

Jemar, Chase. You would never think of it as a memory. What, with its own little song? Yeah, making it a song does help though, do you ever do that? Jemma Chase! If I'm in a hotel and I've just got to the hotel and lashed my stuff in, I often think I'm going to forget what room I'm in, so as I'm leaving I'll be like, I'm in room 448! Yeah? What? And then later on when I'm piss walking home I'm going, I'm in room 448, I'm in room 448. There is no room 448 in this hotel.

What are you calling bullshit on there? I do it with the eyes. I love it. Imagine like pissed on tour when you've stayed in five hotels like we like, I'm in room 129. No, you change the song. Ah shit, that was Wednesday. You change the song. So the next night, like if I do room for eight, like that, it's nice.

And then tomorrow I'm in like Middlesbrough and I'm in a different hotel, I'll be like, I'm in 107. Oh, ground floor. Oh, you do not want to be in a hotel when Adam Rose booked in. Who's that singing cunt? I do with the iron, when I unpeel the iron,

I go, iron off. Iron off, iron off. And then an hour later I go, eyeing off. Eyeing off, eyeing off. And then now at least I go. My shades not creased no more. I go, did I say eyeing off today? And I go, yeah, then I know I've unplugged. Cause I go eyeing off and unplugged the ball. Brilliant.

But if you do that every day, cause you like, does it- I don't eye every day. Oh, right. He winds every day. I told you about Bondi when he was using hair straighteners, he had GHD and I don't know why I was on his phone. He was showing me a picture and he had to go through loads of pictures of hair straighteners

on the carpet unplugged. Cause if he didn't take a picture of it, so he had like proof that he'd freak out and then have to drive back home. Why did he put it on the carpet? So he literally just, there's just tons of pictures on his phone. He's like, oh, just ignore these. These just- OCD that.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A friend of ours, I don't even know if you know this, but a friend of ours, throughout all of school, woke up twice at night and went and checked the oven, even if he hadn't used the oven. I know you're talking about stuff. And he still does it now. Just write down who it was. It was Jermar Chase.

Who? Oh, Jermar Chase! Mickey Rooney. Oh that would have been such a good Mickey Rooney. Oh that would have been a great instead. Instead it was a John Fashionoo. You always forget that John Fashionoo went to school with you because it's difficult in it, you know Cuz he's 28 years older than you Audible he's going and smell as well smells big for me smell going well you were telling me with your wedding you were Smell going and saying sometimes I don't wipe me ass so that I can sniff I'd be like, yeah, I've had a shite saying sometimes I don't wipe my ass so that I can sniff I'd be like yeah I've had a shite do I need a shite no I've had one you sing or just just the smell smell going say that out loud smell going yeah we're getting bespoke fragrances made because like the Because you hate having money, don't you? So... LAUGHTER Yeah.

I've got all this money, bespoke fragrances and a new watch for me. The aftershave I wore in Nashville is an aftershave I wear lots and it still takes you back to Nashville. Because I bought it in the airport and it takes you back to get ready in the moment. What one is it? It's just Sauvage. Oh, really? But it was It's just Sauvage. Oh really?

But it was the Parfum. Right. And I want to put that on my... Instantly it just goes to Nashville. So we're going to get bespoke fragrances made and only wear them in our wedding week in Italy. So whenever we wear that, it'll take us back there. Nice. And you're getting a new watch for the wedding?

Yeah, I think I deserve a new watch. I got in a fucking lovely ring. I think we should bite you. Would that be a nice gesture? Yeah I found it last night. Well I found it this morning actually. Right why didn't we get them to show us it before we make that call? I was most afraid you didn't tell me that because that would have been a great surprise. Yeah but then you would have bought the watch. I can't afford to buy it. I'll have a conversation. Me and your dad will have a conversation. I mean, that would

be genuinely fucking lovely. If you meet your dad. If you bring me dad to the wedding, that's even better. Is it? Is it? I think you'd hate it. Yeah, I don't know. It'd be weird, wouldn't it? It'd be rare. If that's where he met you, that would be weird. Carl, lovely watch, guess who's here? I bet you that happens a lot. What? I bet you, not me, but I bet you for the first time in ages, they see parents, in fact, they know of one. Really?

Yeah, because they all want to be a party big day, but they're not a party in life. Wow. Yeah. That's not on. No, I don't think that happens at all. Well, I know it has. Were they invited? I'll tell you the story later. I think your dad coming to your wedding without

your knowledge. It'd be wild. Like he's so unfair to put you in that position on your wedding day. But imagine if he was sick. Yeah. Imagine if he was sick. Imagine if he was riding like a skateboard. Imagine if he was sick. Yeah, imagine if he was sick. Imagine if he was riding a skateboard or something. I mean, boss. Yes, lad. Yeah. Absolutely belted with a suit on, same watch as you.

Yeah. Wow, lad. That's heavy, that, you know. Oh, and he's Scouse. Yeah, he's been living by that. Bring seven suit models, he's like, yeah, I'm smashing all the money. Do you want to go? Dad!

These are all your stepmums. I ate Guinness as well, son. Yes! Belting. And I'm Guinness as well, son. Yes! Fucking Belzer. And I'm a blue. Oh, down, let me get you a drink. I'll have a cracker and coke, please. Single low.

Oh! My man. My man. He's just an old Spanish fella, isn't he? Just an old Spanish guy. Might be dead. Do you feel any resentment or anything? No, none. Genuinely none.

Because it's just like a none. It just not happened. This is a deep conversation. I had a very deep conversation with Sereka because Sereka's dad passed. And it was recently, within like six months, and I can't remember what I got brought up, but I said, I think my situation's worse because you've got to live a little bit of a life. I'm glad you gave her six months there. You didn't do that like day off. It wasn't it also in this, but it was the kind of- It's better to have loved than lost.

I think you've got to experience this amazing person. I've never had that. And she totally disagreed with me. We argued about it. And then about six months ago, she went, yeah, you were right. She said, I was just her back then, but yeah, you're right. Cause she felt so much pain and sadness and grief. She was like, I'm getting pain that you'll never have.

I'm like, yeah, but you also had insane amounts of love that. Yeah, and it's great that she sort of acknowledged that you were right because you are absolutely right. Because that's what life is. Like the pain of losing someone you've loved is a price that you always know is coming when you choose to love someone. And if she didn't think that was the case,

you should never get a dog because barring like a tragedy, you are both going to outlive Wallace. Well, Steve loves dogs as much as anybody I know. And he won't get a dog for the eventual pain. Yeah. No, but that's no way to live your life, Steve.

But the love they gave you is worth a million times the pain. That's like living a life without ever doing things or risking it. That is love. Love is phenomenal in whatever form, wife, partner, dad, dog. And your love eventually breaks your heart because you go.

It's a risk that it could go. You just hope it goes way down the line. It's definitely better to have loved and lost than never to have had the opportunity. And yeah, you never ever, I don't know how much you wanna talk about this because it changes how you feel about this conversation at times, but have you never had any instinct to go

and... No, probably a bad day to talk about as well because I'm hungover. No. Where's Carl? I thought he was going to the toilet. Is it the airport? He's off. No, because I've got such a full life. I think if I didn't, I would. Yeah. And then also, you know, like you're at the point where you've done, you've, your mom and you and your brother and everything, you've had,

you've lived your life, you've grown up, you've done great. What if he's a fucking dickhead? What if he, like you're going to find him and then he's like a knob, you're like, why did you invite this? Well, that was me originally, that was when I never asked why,

I never found out until I was 20, what? Six, five, I said to him, she's like, why have you never asked? I was like, cause they didn't want to hurt you in case it was a bad thing. And I'm bringing her back up to you. And she was like, that's insane. Like I'd always had told you, but I was like, it might be a bad dick. I do hurt. Yeah.

I don't need them. So why, why would they bring it up? He might be, it might be cool cool, but I'm not missing anything. That's the thing. There's no holes anywhere, they're not full. Yeah, I suppose the way you're looking at it is, your life is full and great. So even if he's great, it doesn't really add on top

of what is already a brilliant life. You're just like, he would just join. Even if he did stay in your life, he would just join and it wouldn't like, there's not that much room for improvement. And there's a massive risk that he could take away and be a cunt. Yeah.

What if he came looking for you though, but maybe that's a different feeling, is it? If he comes, if he gets in touch in a respectful way, does it properly? Would that door be open? I haven't got a clue. Right. I probably know when he was there.

And I don't know. It's a really interesting one because my dad is essentially in your dad's situation. Do you know what I mean? Like with the sister I've got. And I've spoke to my dad about it. And he's like, it's such a weird perspective for me to sort of have both with a close mate and my dad

because my dad's perspective is, I don't know what she's been told about me and about us and about who we are. And I don't wanna ruin any perception she's got and like put this massive spanner in the works of her life by turning up and being who I am, if I'm not good enough or like not what she expects or not what she's been told. Like he doesn't know whether she's been told, Oh, your dad died like to protect her. You know, like, Oh, it's

not that he doesn't want to see it. He's dead. Like, Oh, it's not that he doesn't want to see it. He lives somewhere else. He doesn't know about, yeah. Like to turn up and be like, I'm your dad. Like could ruin anything she's been told, could cause a problem with her mom and her. Yeah, that's the relationship with her mom. And fracture, you know, but it would be different if she came looking for him. My dad said he was expecting a knock on the door

when she turned either 16, 18 or 21. He thought he knows when her birthday is. And he was like, I was expecting on one of those occasions to get like a contact of like, hello, I'm your daughter. Can we meet? And it just never came. So he took that as she doesn't know. It's she that doesn't know or what she does know means she doesn't want to meet me. There's a third option because I know. And it's not that I don't want to meet him. That's what I'm saying is you and your dad who's out there both don't know what the other

one would want. They might be on the same page. Yeah. She might not know. There's a chance that she's come to see you do comedy. Yeah. Just weird, isn't it? Yeah, a lot.

I might as well kiss her. Yeah, bad. I haven't spoken to him for so long. It just doesn't make any effort. Is this a public episode? Oh yeah it is. Did you make effort though? No because I just need to see some effort. Maybe he's thinking the same?

Yeah, yeah cool. And then we'll go. And that was your dad, wasn he owes you probably more than you. I just think the last five, six, seven, eight years have been difficult. He's in steps. He's always touring. I just, I can't, I've just given up on the one being, making the effort. Got some, got some, got some, got some grandkids here. Woo. Let's have a break and then you will see the episode that we recorded with John Bishop

a couple of days ago. It was brilliant, long time overdue, honor to have him in. Enjoy. And there's a song at the end. It's good as well. He doesn't look like your typical pastor. You know, long hair, slick back, wears a leather jacket. He's so cool. On a new season of Heaven Bent. And I mean, like, this guy has seen miracles happen.

Beyond Belief, the legacy of Art Lucier and The Harvest. This is a story that's been needing to be told for a long time, and I've been waiting for somebody to tell it. Listen to Heaven Bent wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. It's Monday where we are. It's just Wednesday. Yeah, you've lost your days, haven't you? Because we've done too many records. I'm also hungover. John Bishop's here!

Hey! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hungover, Jude. Lost souls as well on the chairs I've just noticed. Oh, mate, you know what? I'm fucking back. It's so nice to have someone else with a dicky back in here, Bridget. I know, but it does not make you feel as old as having a bad back, because every movement that you make when you've got a bad back just makes you look old, and you walk like you've shot your pants and it's fucking...

I've got a bad back and I often ship me pants and I'm only 32 but the only thing is I keep on saying I did it in the gym so I was lifting heavy you know what I mean that's what was happening so yeah anyway this this sweatshirt I've got to tell you this because this is brilliant I've FaceTimed my lad before and he had the same sweatshirt on so that made me like he's 26 single single lad, living in his own house. And I've FaceTimed him and I've got the same gear on. So it's made me feel pretty cool. Lost Souls is a good brand and Ranby Scousers as well.

They're shot on a dot. Very, very, very, very good. You know what it's like. If you're like Coulson, you're wearing hoodies or trackies, all that stuff, traveling around all the time. There's a lot of stuff that starts off looking great and ends up being shite. And I've got lots of old stuff that I've had for years.

Wash as well. Yeah. I'm at 30 degrees now. I've turned my washing machine down to 30 degrees. What do you mean you're at 30 degrees? Cause it just fucks up your clothes. I wash mine on 30. I wash mine on cold.

Oh right. I didn't realize. Unless it's wash mine on 30. I wash mine on cold. Oh right. Unless there's towels on bedding, then it washes on cold. Oh, unless there's towels on bedding. How dirty is your frigging bedding? Oh my bedding's gotta be 90. That's gotta go real steamy wash after it to knock all the gear off. 100 degrees it goes. Mine's gotta be 90 degrees to get rid of the guilt.

The shit that my fucking... The shame. Hey, if you're doing a good job and you're in a healthy relationship, your bed sheets can get a bit mucky can't they? Cause then you're smelling each other when you get in. In fact, that's a big thing, bed sheets for me. Like, if I'm on tour, that's the treat. When I go home and I know I'm going... Dirty bed sheets. No, when I get home, when I get home and I say like, you know, you've been away for a

week or two weeks, as you'll often say, I'll change the sheets. This is going to be a nice, nice. I like like fresh bedding is the best, but like after you have had it on for a couple of days and it, you know, it knows where your ass goes and that like, like it's nice, isn't it? Yeah, I know you mean. You got a little crease for your bum in your bed And then you go too far because you're a lad and you're like, ah, this is getting a bit dank now Yeah, but I'm quite good now because I have a man who does me washing for me who by the way

Drop me stuff off about 15 minutes ago. I hope Kieran's in I Don't does two washes a year. It's a van load Because I was on. What? Have you got a yellow pillow? What do you mean? And we've got the yellow pillow. Yeah.

When you take the cover off. Why does that happen? It's a bit old mess. I know, but why is it that pillars end up yellow? I've never, you know what I mean? You think every pillow looks like someone's pissed on it. And it's like, I can't work out why that is. There must be a reason for it. It's the comfy pillow though, isn't it? Yeah. Like what's coming out your mouth, everyone's mouth that makes all the

pillars yellow. Scotch whiskey. It does look like it. It looks like someone's spilling tea. I'm glad you said that. That was the secret I thought I was keeping to myself. That was horrible though, Tony. I'm glad you said that. That was the secrets I thought I was keeping to myself. Yeah, they're always the best ones. Like there's like, I have two pillows, like on each side of me bed, and that's to show off with things going well.

But I have one of them that's like, it's basically like, you know, the meat that Rocky punches in the film, it's as tough as that, like one of them. And then I have another one that's like a thousand years old and brown and yellow and red and black and blue. And that one's like really soft and damaged. And that's the one I sleep on.

I have that one on top of the tough one. That's exactly what I do. These have taken the piss out of me. I have six pillows, right? He sleeps on his own, by the way. Yeah, it's fucking class. I'm happily married, but I've won. I've got my own room. No, listen, sleeping on your own is great. It's fucking great.

Don't worry about that. We have a room that we used to call the spare room. We've just given up, called it mine. That's it. Just fucking just put John's room on the front of it. I have six pillows and I genuinely... Why do you have six pillows and I genuinely Why do you have six pillows? I just accumulated them but now I've realized that I like that so I get in and I go right I'll have that one and that one and then I'll sleep and if you know when you can't sleep I'll just change the combo. I'll change the combo and it fucking helps. Do you have a cuddle pillow?

Do you have a cuddle pillow? The favourite pillow that you use in the day like. But genuinely when I go, something's not right and I can't quite fall asleep. I'll just get the Solshar pillow in and get a fucking result. It's great, mate. I really recommend having options.

Okay. So when you first told us about this, you made it out like you had a little six pillow. And they were all being used at once. Now I get it. Because now you've got a constant cold pillar. You've basically got a harem of pillars. Yes, I start to, four on the bench. You've just got a harem of pillars,

go come here, you're my pillar bitch for tonight. I love it. I've used that once. What about me, Dan? I'm the dirty one. Look under the fucking cover. I think, mate, you cannot fault my systems. They're good. No, that's class. You didn't explain that last time.

You made it sound like you have like... Just like a little pillow to him. Sleeping on my front like this. Because I've got six pillows. Do you resent it being called your room? No, because I'm... It's great. It's great. We honestly... We've had this conversation, I don't know if you've had this with your partner,

where you go, you know what, maybe we should, maybe it'd be better for us as a couple if we're back in. We lasted 15 minutes. Because of who? Because she's so warm and she snores. I'm glad you said warm there by the way. I thought you were going big. She's colossal. No, she's just too, I can't do it. She's restless and snoring. I'm out mate. How big is your bed? What? Get a bigger bed. What do you mean? What like shacks? We've got a, we've got a Caesar bed so we can roll and not touch each other.

Yeah, but I can still hear it. That's a big bed where you're like, you're out of earshot. So can I just ask the evolution of your relationship, At what point does she start making a noise in a bed so much that you didn't want to be in the same bed? Right. So what happened was we had kids and then because of the baby and then because of sleep patterns, it was like, this will be easier. And then I got institutionalized to my own little wanking pit and I got used to sleeping on my own and I could just call it didn't realize it before? No, we were fine for, we shared a bed for ages.

There must be people who meet and put a bit of work in and then they go on and then you get to that point you think, oh, we're going to sleep together tonight. And then you sleep and you have sex and you roll over and then she starts making a noise and you think that it's fucking cool. This relationship gender there, it wasn't one of them. You were married, your dad, kids. And then you got that little sense of what it could be like by being on your own.

I thought I can't. And by the way, she's not going, I'll come back to them. She's fine. We tried it. That'll be the last time we tried. Yeah, but, but, but you know, for the, you know what I mean? You have to book it in.

That's what I mean. You book it in. You say, look, let's have a half an hour tonight. They put a little circle on the calendar. Yeah. Three times a year. A big dip. Yeah. A little dip.

It fits in the box. We're afternoon bonkers. That's where we're at. We're not doing this. It's wild, that. Unless it's a Sunday, that's mad. Hangover bonkers, class. Afternoon sex, unless it's like a Sunday. Well why

unless it's a Sunday? You can't be shagging on a Tuesday afternoon John can you? That's absolutely! That's when you got childcare. Exactly, listen midweek afternoon shags brilliant. That's why you're a comedian, that's why you're working overnight. You can't say I'll just do it. It's fucking great. You're having sex when 90% of the working population are at work. It's fucking brilliant. It's the best thing about it. That's the only thing that goes through my head. Those other people have sexy thoughts and think of porn and everything. I'm thinking everyone else is that fucking way. No, I do, like, I get really, like, horny on a hangover, so, like, that's class. Like, Sunday when you're done in or, like, if I've had, like, a big Sunday session and,

like, you've got Monday off, that's all day, Goosen, where it's just fucking and eating Chinese food and then fucking and eating Chinese food. Little bit of the chase and then back. How much Chinese food did you buy? Where's the Chinese food coming to me? You've got to have Chinese food in between your little fuck sessions on a Sunday. Wow.

Where does the roast come in? I mean. Well, it depends how many mates are knocking the boat. Yeah. I don't make a roast on a Sunday. I'm a maverick with me roasts. I do that on a Tuesday afternoon. I'm like everyone else at work. I'm having a fucking roast. I'm a big fan. Rockstar. Big, not a roast. I can't stand them. The afternoon delight. Quality. Are you? But not on a Sunday. Blinds open? What? Oh yeah, we do it on the front

garden. What are you on about? No, I mean, you make any room a little bit dark when you go, if Laura could have her way, it'd be a completely insulated panic room that we do. She'd build a bunker. Yeah. No, no blinds open. Any questions here and to you, John, were you always like this or is this a marriage and children induced like new thing where you're like choose the afternoon because I don't reckon when you and Laura started seeing each other you were booking in fucking Wednesday afternoon. No, I mean, I'm gonna take a like a longer lunch.

I'll be around at your work. It's true. You nearly you, you nailed it there because when you're a comic, you can't be like when I drive back from Coventry. Yeah, yeah. When I get back at half one this morning. Don't worry, babe, I'm gagging for it.

I'll use the M6 toll. I'll get home quick. Yeah, you can't do that. Does that count as prostitution, if you pay for the toll? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're technically paying for sex there. It just shows you fucking love her. It's a horny road, the M6 toll, though.

What a road. Wow. It's the most, like, value for money. You're allowed to break laws on the night, you know what I'm saying? That's not a lie, is it? It's a private road, so there's no speed limit. There's no laws on the M6th hole. I love some of the stuff we tell each other on this podcast.

But we have a duty of care. You are not, it's not the Autobahn. No, it's not. Because you spend a seven pound twenty. It's lawless. No, no, I think put that out there because that's how I drive on it. I get out the soul and I'm fucking gone. I think this is it. You just see it is, it is the only reason we're going on the soul road is to go quicker. So you want the one, the other road. Yeah.

It's lawless. You can do any breaking laws. Please can't stop you on the m6 toll. Excuse me sir you're doing 147 miles an hour. Fuck off I've paid seven quid. I've paid for this. Please can't stop you on the m6 toll. Yeah is that true? There's no speech. Like you can't be arrested in your own house. No you yeah you can't. You can't be arrested in your own house. Is that true? You can shot three people on my property. This is like having a chat with Donald Trump. People are just making shit up and it becomes law then. And no one's here to fact check us. I'm the fact checker. That's why I've got this, the bullshit belt and I'm bored a bit dinging it.

I thought it was lawless. I thought you could like, sell drugs. It absolutely should be, but it's not. And that genuinely, when you pay your money, when you're on it and you see your speed creeping up, in your head you're like, I should be able to do what the fuck I want. 72, 74. It's basically, you get an insight into what it's like to be a Tory. Like I've paid, I shouldn't have to obey the rules. This is a special road for wealthy people." And you go, you catch yourself and go, oh God, that's horrible. That's how it feels.

Yeah, a little bit. But now you speak. What do you think is the fastest you've gone up to, allegedly, on the M6? 148 miles an hour. What's the fastest you've ever driven in your car? 100 and, I don't know, I'm a bit of a pussy with this. 100 and, that's a this. That's a lot. That's a big, big question. It's all, it's all alleged John, don't worry.

It's all what? It's all alleged, none of this is real. Alleged. I, I won the star in the, um, reasonably priced car. Reasonably priced car, yeah. Did you, yeah, on top of you. Beat Tom Cruise. I beat Tom Cruise.

I knocked Tom Cruise off the... And he does his own stunts, I don't know whether you know. Fuck, does his own stunts. What happens as well, when you do that, you go, he take you around the track with the Stig, he drives it, and then, I think he does it twice

and then you get a goal with him in the car and then he gets out and then you get two goals. That's it. And you get your fastest one. And then you get your fastest one. Tom Cruise apparently arrived with, oh God, what was the girl who was in the film where he'd done a racing car film.

Oh, night and day, it was Cameron Diaz. Cameron Diaz, yeah. So they were both doing it, him and Cameron Diaz. And apparently what had happened, he'd helicoptered in and they were doing it. And he, she got her score and then he had his go. And he says, oh, that's it, Tom, you've had your two goals. He went, no, I can go faster than one another, go And he went, okay. Cause it's Tom Cruise. Apparently he

had seven goals at it. This is true. He had seven goals and he only stopped down. Cause he said, there's an, you've got to go to the premier. You've got to go. So he went off, went to the premier. And when I sat down to do it, he was number one. He was the top one and Cameron Diaz was fourth. That's how good she was. And I remember Jeremy Clarkson said, where do you want to be? And I said, I just want to be on top of Cameron Diaz. I thought that was the best line I've ever come up with in my life. And I ended up on top of, on top of Tom Cruise, which was a big surprise to everyone. Isn't it mad?

Like, because Top Gear was such a part of like, just like our culture and our lives and stuff and telly, but how big it was at like its pump, like Tom Cruise did Top Gear. And also how simple the star in a reasonably priced car as a concept is. Oh yeah, it's an idea. And it was the most popular bit.

Like no one in history the most popular bit. Like no one in history has started that bit. I'm clicking it off. When you got in, like I'm not into cars really. I'm not into fast cars apart from when I'm on the toll. I'm not really into flashy cars or anything like that. So I turned up with no expectation whatsoever and they put you in this, I was in a care.

And I just thought, it's not my car. I just don't care if I crash it because there's no consequence to it. So I just bombed it. I just enjoyed the fact that I was doing it and bombing it. Oh my God, the amount of people who spoke to me about it, of all the things you do in your career, of all the things that you think is the rich tapestry of the life of creative. And I still get people come look, oh, you beat Tom Cruise. It's cause it's such a popular show.

It was massive. We need something like that, you know, cause we were gonna do something like this when we first opened the studio. We were gonna get like a, like we had a table tennis table at one point. We were gonna be like, see who can like get the, like play me or whatever. And then we were thinking of getting like

a punch bag machine. It's like the highest score or whatever. We need something like that for the guests. Didn't you then get to speak to Tom Cruise about it? I did. Yeah. I did. I did. Graham Norton and I was doing Graham Norton just as the whole world was coming out of COVID and so it was one of those shows where they had those studio audience and all the guests were sat apart and I was doing it and he said Tom Cruise is going to be the other guest. I said fuck it, Tom Cruise is going to be the other guest.

So because we were all separate, the girl who sort of do the makeup came into my dressing room and the girl who have done my makeup before a few times, she's doing my makeup and she said, look, I'll have to get your hair up and clipped out. She had all my hair clipped up like that. She's putting this and then there's a knock at the door and she said, Oh, someone's at the door. So can you just go? I'm feeling like a dickhead. She said, well, I'm too. I said, all right, I opened the door. Tom Cruise was at the door. I met some crews over here and clips like that. Oh, hi Tom. he said, he said, man, I just want to come and tell you, you know, I'm a big fan. I went, do you think I'm someone else?

He said, no, I'm a big fan. His sister is married to South African who's a big Liverpool supporter. Oh wow. He said, so he got into your comedy via being connected with Liverpool. He said, I'm a big fan. I said, that's brilliant.

That's great. So come to a gig whenever you want. He hasn't been, but then we got onto the show and then he, he, he was talking about it. Then he was saying like, he was, he was saying, you must have been fast. And I was thinking, fucking two goals. I know what I mean. We're made for, I really know you had seven goals. I think it's quite a, I've got to tell you this though. That was one of the only times cause sometimes you know, you meet big stars, big, big, big stuff and you kind of, I should play. And you get, you kind of, you know, you're all in the same business and it's never really never really over excited me football is all that stuff excited me

but that was one of the times where I thought oh my god afterwards because he looks at you and you feel like the most important person in the room he's got this real charisma and I remember coming away and we were in the car oh my god I oh my God, I haven't swapped numbers and I phoned my PR fellas and just sending me emails. You felt like that with Andrew Schulz. Because you actually believe you could be his mate. Oh, Andrew Schulz has got that thing that makes you feel so important. I tell you, Andrew, I was over in the comedy cellar in New York because I've started going over to America

doing gigs, you know, like yourself, just for the experience of it. And- It feels classed, doesn't it? I know. Being on stage at the cellar, your dick just twinges a bit. There's just something about that place.

There is, there's something about the history of it. There's also, there's something about like going on and 99% of the room haven't got a clue who you are. And you've got to win them over again. Brilliant. But there's that table at the top, isn't it? The comedian's table. So I'm sort of chatting and there was a few people on and Andrew was there and he said, I'm coming over to the UK to do gigs. I said I really really I said have you been over before? He said no I've never done it before. He said it's my first gig in the UK. I said what are you doing? He said the Royal Albert Hall. What? And then and then when I got home and I was talking to me, my kids, my lad, the lad who had this sweatshirt on,

he said he, I said have you heard of Andrew Schultes? He said sweatshirt on, he's, I said, have you heard of Andrew Shorty? He said, oh, he's brilliant, he's brilliant. And he's a great example of the difference that's happened now in the comedy world, because I had no idea, bro, so you gotta remember, like I'm 57, I'm not his target audience, I'm not one of the lads looking to see what's trending on YouTube and all that stuff.

My lads are. So you'd end up with these people now who are breaking through. It would never have broke through when I was breaking through 20 odd years ago where you had to get on telly. And I think that's brilliant. You know, like this is a brilliant way

to reach an audience. What Paul's done is brilliant. It used to be you had famous ubiquitous, you had to be famous to everybody to find your audience. Now you've just got to find your audience and that's enough. And he's like that. And he's brilliant at what he does. Can I ask you a question about when you kicked it into gear? Because I remember you were one of the comics that came up to the hyena when I was the sound tech so you were maybe the 10th no it was it was January 2002 so you'd have been maybe like the sixth or seventh comic and it was the night that Dave Johns

yeah am I allowed to tell the story tell them please tell them I'd love to tell the story? Tell them, please tell them. I'd love to hear the story from your perspective. So, Dave, put the whole thing into context. I'll put it in context so I'm not mugging anyone off. I love Dave and he's been really good to me and he was amazing. In terms of when I started in Newcastle, he was like the fucking Don, because he was, he used to own the club and he was unbelievable at comparing. But he did a lot. Like, you know when people go, well, I'll tell you what,

he's so-and-so's done 20 minutes comparing there. Dave Johns did whatever he wanted. Like I saw him do 40 before he brought an act on if he was in the mood. And don't get me wrong, he was ripping. And I think he'd done quite a chunk and I think you were opening that night I was opening for Adi Berg. Yeah. Yeah and Adi van der Berg. Yeah. Yeah, and you didn't have a great one

You you it was it wasn't like no because I never met you before you went pretty well No, it was when people say if you ever died, that was me dead. You're being fucking generous. I tell you how well it went. The audience started having a chat. The audience just started talking amongst themselves. No one heckled. People just went... And I remember the moment, stood on the stage and thinking,

fuck, so I just went, all right then, ask me a question or shout something out, and everyone went, no. Just get a good shot. Oh! I remember it not being great. Yeah. And that was the first night, the third night.

I think you died with honor. Like I'm not just, you didn't panic or whatever. You did that sort of like, all right, you know, cause I saw people die and like, you could see the You did that sort of like, all right, you know, cause I saw people die and like, you could see the frenzy hitting them of like, oh, fucking hell. And then Dave Johns went on after you and they clapped him back on cause he was coming back on.

And he went, don't worry, Dave's here. I'm like an emergency comedian says, break here in case of shit first act. And listen, I'd been working as a sound man at a comedy club and all of us at the back, the staff were like, oh, damn. See as harsh as that is and as brutal as that is, I think the job of the compare

is to be on, is to guide the audience through the night. And if obviously it's horrible when any of us have a shocker and we've all had bad gigs, but if you have a bad gig, I think like I've had bad gigs where on the way past, I've been like to the compare, do what you need to do. If you need to throw me under, throw me, and I've done it before and I've seen Paul Smith do it, like on like new act nights where like someone goes on and stinks the gaff out and he's gone on and said,

we're going to tie some flowers to the mic standing in the break, like go and get a bevy and- But there is a bit of an unwritten code though to not come off professional acts that you're on a bit. Do you know what I mean? I get what you mean in like, you've got a job so you've got to make it all right. But then the act two goes, hang on,

could you not be a cunt has a point as well. See, I, well, I mean, I remember the Tim Clark, remember Tim Clark? Yeah. Brilliant company. And every, if anyone ever died, he will go on and win the room round by going, listen, comedy is a hard job.

He's just come on here, it's a new act. He's trying to get his way in the world. We've all done that. We've all had to have a go. It hasn't been fun for tonight, but maybe next time you see it, we'll do so. Please give him a round of applause. Lift the room up. Nice.

Dave Jones went, don't blame me. I didn't book the app. And I remember thinking, you can't. And he come off. And I've never really you can't, and he, and he come off and I've never really spoke about this publicly or I sort of caught up with Dave about it since it came off and what had happened, I was, it was 2002. I'd, I'd, I'd been doing it just over about 18 months, something like that. And I was still working and I was waiting for a pharmaceutical company.

So I'd arranged to do this. It was my first weekend away outside of doing Liverpool or Manchester. My first weekend at a comedy club doing a Thursday, Friday, Saturday. And I'd done something somewhere and Ross Noble had been on the bill and we were talking after and he went how long have you been doing it? I said at that point I've been doing it about six months or something he said have you died on your arse yeah? I said no no no yeah I don't think so I said but I don't know I said because it's kind of like one person laughs she wins he went no no he said you will die on your arse

he said everyone dies on their arse he said the worst He said, you will die on your ass. He said, everyone dies on their ass. He said, the worst thing to do is to die on your ass when you're doing a weekend somewhere. So, cause you've got to go back in and no one wants to look you in the face. None of the bar staff want to look at you, none of the bar staff, everyone. And I had that, I had that sort of locked in me head.

Go up to Newcastle, go on on the stairs the night, proper died. I mean, you're being generous, fucking proper died. I mean, you were the sound man. I think it's, I blame you. And anyway, proper died and walked off. Dave Jones goes on, does that, as you say, wins the audience over, but takes the piss out of me. And then he comes, he went, and he does an interval afterwards. So the interval on he comes into the room and there are the bags, tiny room, tiny room. And I went, what the fuck was that? And he said, what? I said, what the fuck was that? He didn't have to do that. And he went, mate, I think this gig's too big for, I said, this gig's not too big for me. I said, I said, I'm here all weekend. And I said, tell you what, if I die tomorrow, I die and I say,

I'll give you all my money. But if you take the piss out of me like that again, I said, I'm here all weekend. And I said, tell you what, if I die tomorrow, I die on Saturday, I'll give you all my money. But if you take the piss out of me like that again, I'll fucking knock you out. Oh, it's 22 years and I have never known that bit. I was in the back of the room like, I literally was like, I wonder what's happening in there. Oh God, I paid money to know that. So that, that and Addy was going, oh this is a bit, I said no, I'm fucking telling you.

I said listen, I said you got to do what you got to do, but I will give you my fucking money but that's not going to happen again. And then you, yeah, I know it wasn't me a big bravado fucking knocking it out. I was like embarrassed, but I thought you don't have to do that. And so, and I was annoyed. And then, and then the next day, believe it or not, I was in Newcastle. And I my job at the time was I was a sales director for a drug, a drug that stopped people rejecting drugs after transplantation.

So I spent the morning in the transplant unit in Newcastle talking about organ transplantation and all the way in my head I'm thinking, I fucking bald you with the stupid piss out of me. And so I'd done the meeting, finished the meeting and I was walking back through the shopping centre and I thought I've got to go back and like what Ross said, no one's going to look me in the face and I walked past this shop and there was this, this pair of crocodile skin shoes. So I thought I'm buying them. And I bought these crocodile skin shoes and I thought I'm going to give myself confidence.

And I walked up to the, I remember it walk over, there was two bouncers on the door. As I walked up, I could see, they looked at me face and then looked down at me feet to try not look me in the eye. And I could see them go, but me, he's got some confidence in him. And I wore, you probably won't even remember, I wore those shoes that weekend. And since that gig, I must have moved those four or five

times and I've kept them. And every time we moved me, Mrs. Gools, why have you got these? And I went, just in case. I'm gonna keep them, just in case. That's true. How did the rest of the weekend go? Fine.

It was great. And to be fair, Dave was dead generous on the Friday and Saturday after I went on. I think he said something on the Friday going, you shouldn't have been last night. He died, but he was great tonight. And he was good. I think Dave's one of them that can give it and I think he doesn't mind mixing it a bit. No I think it's and as you say it's just an approach some compares will go right my job is to win the audience even when I was comparing obviously my job is to make everybody

happy I don't feel you need to run any act down that's going on. Cause let's be honest, we've all had to follow a shocker. We've all had people who have died and it's either not worth it for them or when you start now and you've got all these new act nights there's some people who are going on and not reading the room. And I just think for me, the biggest thing that I found when I came into comedy

and I think it's a thing that if you're outside of this world you don't understand it is I I came in from like a normal job I assumed everyone was in competition with each other and what you find once you everyone in my opinion anyway respects anyone who does this job if you're a comedian anyone else who walks on that stage and looks the audience in the eye, you think he's fucking all right, him. I'm on his side. And what I found when I started off,

if you've got something about you, people, it's a meritocracy. People encourage you. All the other comics go, oh, you're good, you. Do you know this, lad? You should phone him for the gig, you should phone him. And you end up, because you can't cheat him. If you're should phone him for the gig, you should phone him and you end up, because you can't cheat him. If you're the funniest person on the bill, everyone in the room laughs and you can't pretend and people might go, oh that's, I don't like that material,

they're all fucking laughing, they're the judge. And so I've always found comedians and the community of comedy to be supportive. I tell you what, you're absolutely right. Okay, and obviously you started like a while before me, but from my perspective, you're absolutely right with good comics. So when I started, no one was more like that with me than him. Like I started and I was doing well and he was like,

I'm gonna bring Lee Martin, get you in at the Frog and excess Mal doing well and he was like, I'm gonna bring Lee Martin, get you in at the frog and excess malarkey and you should, and a gig with Dave Jones at the, what was it called in Chester? Laugh the lounge. The laughing. The laughing, yeah.

The laughing, yeah. So I did a gig there and I just a blind, I quite knew about two years in maybe, like open spot in the middle and Dave Jones was closing, you were comparing and you put me into loads and Dave rang Yvonne his sister and was like put him in at the hyena and do us a favor tell junglers to answer his emails because he's been emailing and he's getting all back off them and comics who see me do well who were good and had no reason to fear that they were going to get less work as a result.

Cause you want all the good comics on the bill. But there's some comics who sort of at the back of their mind know that I don't want to be too harsh, but they're stealing a living. Do you know what I mean? They know that they're because of a lack of other alternatives and they hated me because they see me sort of being really cocky and hungry and like, I'm going to get where I want to go. They were always a bit like, not into you, like no, no, no. And they didn't help. And they would like try and shut doors and whatnot.

And like, I'd be like making little posters myself and putting them on Facebook and Twitter and being like, I'm doing six gigs this week. And there's like professional comics who was shit, like snaring at it going, who gives a fuck you're doing an open spot for Spikey Mike in Birmingham. Like, who gives a fuck about that? And I'm like, not about that.

I'm building like a sort of presence where eventually people will actually be coming. But it's interesting, like for two things there. First of all, when you said, you know, when I was new, I'd only been doing it two years. Like two years in this game is still new. A lot of people come into it and think, well, you know, like any job you think, oh, well, you know,

after two years, wouldn't that think, well, you know, like any job you think, oh, well, you know, after two years, wouldn't that be... No, you're fucking... Like, like I'm now, I've been doing it 25 years and I did a gig the other week and what I did is I was on tour and the current tour that I'm doing and the PR lad, me PR fella, they also looked, all the people want to come and review it. And I said, look, it's not, I said, why? I don't, I've sold the tickets. Why do we need to have reviews in? He said, well, they're just asking us. Well, I'm not bothered if, I don't need any reviews.

And it's just another thing to think about. I said, and also the show's not right. There's just something I couldn't get right. And the audience went see, and it was way on the right, but I just, just wasn't getting it right. There's just something I couldn't get right. And the audience went see and it was waker on the night, but just, just wasn't getting it right. And then I did, um, I did South End. And next thing I know, day after I got a shit review in the garden, which was not a surprise because you're always going to shit review in the garden. But I thought, I saw, I said, what happened there? He said, we didn't know they were coming. This fellow's come without telling us.

Brian Logan, Brian Logan. Yeah. He's a bellend. I mean, he's a proper bellend. I remember doing an interview once and I was, I was going down to London on the train and the train was a delayed and so I couldn't get there. And then he said, oh, why don't we meet in this other place? Cause they had a photographer. He said, I think we can go to Century, which is a private members club. So I said, oh, yeah, all right, let's meet there.

I said, as it happened, they've just given me a membership. I've never been in, so that's good. So we sit down, do the interview. Starts off saying, you can tell John Bishop's life's changed. You know, he insisted on meeting in his private members club and turned up in our life. do the interview starts off saying you could tell John Bishop's life's changed you know he's insisted on meeting in his private members club and turned up an hour late and I'm like you fucking knew it was gonna be you know what I mean and that kind of thing but on the other side of things I was speaking to Jason Manford about this and I was saying the difficulty is he sees

more comedy than I ever will yeah and he will have a critical lie that I won't have. And he won't, you know what it's like, you can, you can, you end up with enough skillsets to make an audience have a good night when in reality you were probably, you know, it's like having a one nil win against somebody. You've won the results. Okay. But somewhere you haven't played well and they'll see stuff like that. So as a professional, it's up to him. I'm not knocking his professionalism. I think you're being a little bit generous with them there because I understand what you're saying. There is a difference between a crowd pleasing comic and a good comic. Absolutely. And I do

think, and we spoke about this a million times on here, but there's a danger once you're famous, and you know, especially to the level you are, genuine household name done so much more than And we spoke about this a million times on here, but like there's a danger once you're famous and you know, especially to the level you are, genuine household name done so much more than just comedy. And even if people aren't like your biggest fans and don't go and see you live, people know John Bishop is. So if you walk on anywhere, especially in front of your own fans,

they've already got like a decent idea about you and they probably like you and you know, so it gets to a point it's hard to stay as good as you were when you were coming up because you're not testing your material against people who like don't know who you are which is why you've gone to America. Because you give a shit about being good, you're not just asked about performing to John Bishop fans and making money forever. Because it's nice and whatever but you want to be good as well. So you go and try. So what I did, so when this review came out and it actually said, yo,

it was a meandering mess. Cause I know, and to be fair, I don't know when there's a reviewer in, I did go off on a tangent and I wouldn't have done that. But my head was fucking buzzing around with loads of other things, but I still got to stand in ovation. So I like, he's going meandering mess. Oh, that's a bit of ass. That's a bit of ass. So I said to, I said to Neil, I said, right, I'll tell you what we'll do. I'll do a gig in blue and three and fucking tell them all to come. Cause this show is better than that review. And so they all came and I did a gig and it was a meandering mess. Because what I did, because I've been going over to America where you don't have an interval and been doing this hour and a half in American and Canada, I thought I'll just do that. And I changed what I did. And it was like,

I was talking about it the other day. I said it was like getting into the final as a football team and then saying, right, I'm going to put the goalie up front. I just changed the formation and I don't know why I did it. So what I did is I stood back, took stock and again, you know, when I say it was in me and in mess, do some decent reviews amongst it and all that stuff. But I thought, right, I'll step back. What did I get wrong? And I was trying to work out what I got wrong. And I thought, I can't work this out because it's all in my head. Like I don't work with anyone else. And I thought, I can't work this out because it's all in my head.

Like I don't work with anyone else. I don't sit with other, I don't sit with comic writers or anything like that. And so I thought, and I'm not really good at doing that swapping jokes with people. I thought what I need is somebody who can have an overview. So I went to this lad Cameron, who was my producer in a lot of my telly shows,

and I got him in as like a comedy coach. And I said, like, come and watch a few gigs and just, and we've ended up just changing the order of stuff, structuring it in a different way. A director, like a director. Like a director, but also looking at all the, I said to him, look, like, as you say, at the level that you get to in

this profession, you often don't have anything around you. Andy Murray has been one of the best tennis players in the world. He's never not had a tennis coach. He's never gone, I know all I need to know about tennis. I'll make it up from here. And that's what I thought I thought what you need to do as a performer, as a professional, as someone who's got responsibility for your audience is you need to have somebody who can critique you. Someone like, uh, if you're like a Brian Logan, who's not a dickhead, but somebody, somebody who can look at you and go, all right, it didn't work for that reason. Do this. And just, and I said to Cameron, all I want to be is 1% better. And then when I'm 1% better, I want another 1% more. And it, it, honest to God, it's worked. Like the, the, the tour show is now

so much more solid, but it's exactly the same material. It's really odd when you look at it like that. Cause you know what it's like when, cause we're all story sellers. And so your head runs from one story to another and you weave it all in, but sometimes you don't always punctuate it for the audience. And that's because you're thinking that the next thing you're going to say and you need somebody sometimes as you say to direct you. And sometimes having the goalkeeper, I know that to the, not to leather the analogy, but those nights where you get it wrong are the nights that help get it right. Otherwise you just, my first tour I got stuck with an order, never change it. That wasn't, that didn't make that show better. I just played it safe almost. Yeah.

But those nights, at the end of that show where you're like, what the fuck was I doing there? But you get it, it's the thing that I think when you care about it and sometimes people don't realize how much you know if you're like the best of people do care about it and you care about it because every time you're going out every time you're putting a new tour on you're trying to give something new you're trying to make it work make it but and you're also battling with the fact that you've got a fucking rucksack full of old material that you can pull out at any time that you know is a banger. And you say, no, put that back in. I want to try and do something new. And that's the challenge that we've all got. We're trying to, trying to keep on creating something as good as the last thing that we created. Whereas if you're a band, it's fucking great to sit

on every tour, isn't it? And then we everyone loves you. Like everyone loves this. They don't want the new stuff unless it's like really good. Yeah, the Rolling Stones aren't doing stadiums if they have to do a new show. Exactly. And that's, and that's what I love about this as a profession, but what's, what's the challenge about it? And as you said as well, that's why I've started going to new territories cause I want that walker into a room

and not get the round of applause cause they recognise me face. Well, it must be about a year ago now. I was at the store in London and they were like, oh, Bish is coming down tonight. And you turned up and I was like, oh, you get ready for a new tour. And you were just like, no, I wanna start again.

Yeah. But that, that was about the time where, cause I did go through this bit about, well, should I do another one? Should I not? And as me missus, man, he's going, just fucking go and do a gig, you're the miserable guest. I had like about six months off not doing anything.

And it just did me head in. Yeah. I've got to the end of holidays before, like on the, like, you know, like 10 days instead of a week or whatever. And on days like eight, nine or 10, like I've had like a girlfriend go to me, the night we get back, you are going to the comedy club.

Yeah. Like you're starting to do me. Like a dog who needs a walk. Yeah. You get him out. But it's an odd thing, innit, when you think about it as a, because people would say,

I'll just go over your mates and meet your mates. And I feel no, they interrupt. Was there a point, John, that you decided to kick it into gear? Because like, I remember gigging with you at the frog and you like, I wish I could show people the John Bishop that I remember from that circuit. Cause within a few years you were on TV in a suit and like it was so different. You used to be in your jeans and a jumper and you'd one of the few comics

that the Froggy would ask for a stool. And I remember you just drinking a cup of tea. And it was honestly like someone had gone, hey John, get off your couch. You're on stage in three minutes and you'd gone, fuck you know. But you'd very, very purposely. And then I sort of, you disappeared a bit

and I didn't gig with you for a while. And then the next minute you were on TV and you were doing huge shows and you'd just gone. So we weren't close enough that I got the behind the scenes but was there something that made you go, I need to change what I'm doing or? No, well, there's a whole range of circumstances and you know, like in a career like this,

you can't plot it. You can't say, I'll do that. Then after I'll do that, I'll do this. And what was happening, you know, when I was doing the circuit, I was, for most of the time, I was working in the day and I had this proper job. It was a proper sales and

marketing director of a pharmaceutical company and it was a very serious drug that we were we were dealing with so I had a proper job so I in the night when other people on the circuit were starting to wear suits I couldn't wear a suit I've been doing it in the day and my head was in a different place then when I decided to leave my job and I could wear jeans all day, I thought I've got to put a suit on, I've got to know I'm going to work. It was a mindset difference. That's so, that's so fascinating. Like I've just like, I've got to put a suit on at least one part of the day. I can only be casual for eight hours. Yeah, I just, I couldn't be, I couldn't be, I just, that's a change yet that I was, this was now. I have never seen anyone look more relaxed on stage

than you back in the day. Like I've, I've never seen anyone. You just rolled in and smashed in a way that you were like, yeah, yeah, don't worry about it. Finish me brew. That also was the fact that I, I didn't need it. I didn't have it as a, as a life goal that one day I'd be a comedian. I wasn't desperate for it to go well. You know, I had a good job. I had, I'd come up with me nice company car and I think I'm only getting 70 quid, so I'm not bothered whether it works or doesn't. So that took some of the, cause I didn't have an ambition to be a full-time

comedian. So that took some of that. I think the instant nervousness I was, I know. So it was reverse psychology sitting on a stool and all that stuff. Cause cause when you're going on in a comedy club and no one knows who you are, the immediate thing that you see is everyone's going, Hi, yeah, I just walk over the stool, sit down and they'll be chatting. You could see them and everyone was quiet and down cause you're not saying anything. And you just go, look, I'm just, you look like a teacher on an inset day. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be fully in a minute. And then you just carry on. And you know what? It's, um, it's funny cause on like I'm doing this current tour now that London April, and then I'm doing this 25 year celebration thing next year,

which is a big thing for me. I really want to cause I can't believe it's 25 years since we first get it. So I'm doing all the arenas and the frog and bookie. So the frog and book is on the post. I'm doing the frog and book and I'm going to do the frog and book it like that. I'm not doing I'm not like taking the arena show into the frog and book. It's I'm back at me. Jump around the stool. I'm coming to say that I I'm blagging it. It's all out. Shall we have a little break? Yeah, I think so. What's happening? Lids time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor. It's lovehoney.co.uk and it is time to show you their sexy little advent calendar, mate. It's Christmas. Christmas is coming. 12 days of discovery, 12 individual sex toys.

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anywhere you live, free shipping. Sorted. Sort your pubes out, Bolivia. And your face. Back. Obviously the event will have come and gone once this goes out, but tonight the Zoe's Place fundraiser at Hotwater,

which is why we're lucky enough to have John on the pod. Russell Kane's just texted me and said, is everyone wearing black tie tonight or just normal clothes? And I've told them black tie. Why have you got the idea that it's a black tie event? Nope, but I'm not connecting that. And he's closing as well.

So everyone's going to go on and jump us and like... Going to go on at the end in a bow tie. Erm, shall we do some advice? Yes. You're a wise man, John. You've got some fucking pearls of wisdom to share. Got some years on me back, lad. Oh, yeah.

If you want some advice, haveaw word pod at gmail.com. If you want it like in the VIP queue, patreon.com slash have a word pod. Right. Anonymous. Lids, I need your wisdom and advice. I've got a 16 year old lad and the other day when he was at school, I found a little clear bag of pink and blue pills in his coat pocket. I've not told his mom yet, and I don't know how to bring it up with him or what I'm meant to do. I've just taken it and hid the bills.

What should I do lads? Do I need to be harsh and come down on him? Or is there a way to sit him down and have a chat about this? 16. 16 years old. I have one face and see what it is. Yeah, see what it does.

It might be boss. That's the rules when you find a bag in it. I gotta be honest. That was a very serious question. I wasn't expecting that. Hey, we don't have to deal with it in a serious way. Have you ever had any- Do you want to really, do you want an honest answer?

Not really. I mean, you can if you want. No, no, I mean, cause obviously the other answer is just, you know, as you say, take it and go on and go mad. But the real answer is sit him down, have a chat with him. Yeah. Don't go mad. What price are you getting used for?

The worst things to do is to go mad at him and go down heavy. Cause if you do that, you'll never find who is dealing with us. Because I've got a seven-year-old daughter and she's bad on the floor and I'm always fighting little bags. Where are you getting this? It is a worry you're in year three. I've got to be honest, how long have you been doing this pod now? Five years now. Yeah. Four. How much better do you think your Scouse accent could be?

Every show you're fucking dropping it in. Well better than it was. Oh, I know. I know it's full good. But you can't wait to drop it in, can you? You just throw it in for no reason whatsoever. I didn't use to. It's how my pod brain thinks now.

It's cause of these. As soon as I go to a thing, I'm like, fucking hell. It sounds like I'm taking the piss out of you. You know when you're in the shops, you go, should we get a baski? I use lad in actual conversation with my wife in earshot and she went, ehh. I went, oh fucking hell lad. you're getting better. That's global. John, his daughter calls me Adam Rowlad and that's from him.

I like Rowlad. She was here earlier, she was like, all right, Adam Rowlad. So we're planning on how we're gonna be with the kids when they're older and me and Laura have decided we're gonna try not to be the really strict all these rules. You can't do this, you can't do that. Cause in my head, they're going to do it anyway. So all the, all you're going to make them is better at lying.

16 is young though. To be in school on pills. You you just like schools on pills? Yeah, and they're all mad, isn't it, in jail now? The thing is, like, if they've got something else, sports or something like that, that keeps you away from it, that's good. She loves boxing. But also, the hard thing is, and it'll be different for you, be different for your generation, my generation, we were parents and kids in a world we never lived in.

So like, you've got to remember, that's how fucking old I am. It's like the internet wasn't invented. There was no mobile phones when I was growing up. So I didn't know how to advise my kids about mobile phones. You've had all of that experience. So you should be better at it. Dan, you talk to the same person.

You know, Dan, there's like 58. 58? How old are you? 112, there's like 58. 58? How old are you? 112, according to these puns. No, you're only 40, aren't you? Thank you very much, John. I'll absolutely fucking take that. How old are you?

43. 43. 43? Yeah, you look 43. I take it. I fucking take it. I got a Nokia. I got a Nokia brick when I was at college. I was about 18, 17. So I've not quite broke.

You're getting a brick of limo as well. Surely it's a bit different though, isn't it? Advising your kids on drugs and phones. They might just be sweets by the way. You know, they might be sweets. When wine gums did just the black and red packet. There's poor kids been pouring to care. And he's fucking sweet. Winegums. It might be the Matrix, blue pill, pink pill. Guppy.

It might be a gender reveal. I think, first of all, sit him down, find out what it is, and then, you know, talk to Frank. Yeah. Is that still a thing? No. I mean, try the number. Listen, I quit this fucking ages ago, sick of talking about pills. I've done the voice again.

You should say to him, I'm going to nail all these, let's see what happens. And he might get embarrassed and never do it ever again. Never double drop. You've got to take it. Come on. I'm going to go out in the village after I've taken these and you're all coming with me.

You're going to watch what I do. You're fucking right, yeah. And then you get arrested for shagging a badger. You're everyone doing it again. How is that gonna teach your kids anything? You always have half a badger shagger. Never drop a whole badger shagger. First, you gotta speak to them, find out what they are. We don't know what they are.

You know the pills you like? Like what, are they blue and pink? No, back it. Is it cause it's pills? Antihistamine. Like genuinely, if it was weed, it's a much different scenario. Yeah, and it's a bit of pus.

No, fucking weed. I'm telling you, I had a very strong view on weed. Weed is to normalize 15, 80 kids. Weed, any kids listening to this, 13, 14, thing or other world, don't fucking, 18, 19, 20, but your chemical balances that are changing as your brain's changing in your teenage years get more heavily affected by weed than people realize.

Yeah, straight to smock. Don't, don't need the gateway drug. I started late to be fair. When did you start smoking weed? Like realize. Yeah, straight to smack. Don't need the gateway drug. I started late to be fair. When did you start smoking weed? Like 20. You liar. That's not a lie. Did you?

Yeah, you know what? 20, that's fine. I was in uni. 20, that's fine. 12, 13, 14. Honestly, God, there's loads of evidence about it, but it just seems to get brushed under the carpet. Here's a headline for the newspapers.

John Bishop says, don't do weed at 12. By the way, Carl, this is not, this is not unusual now apparently. Pills in school, that's so mad. Like there is a, apparently, even in my head pills are like hard shit. Yeah they are, yeah. No it's just a bit of dancing in it. By the way as well, if you're fucking in year 10 and you've got some pills, why don't you just not take them at school? Why don't you wait till you're at a party? Who the fuck wants to be in the middle of a geography lesson coming up? By the way, I don't think, no, the school often rang him and gone, hey, your kids on the tables dancing, you know, he's just fat, maybe he bought them at school for a party. So this is from one of the high schools in Chester

that my daughter might be going to in a few years. Apparently there's a real drug problem. That's bananas to me. We used to have crazy bones and them things would flick at each other. But that's your group, isn't it? Every school has. No, there wasn't kids on the Garry's as well.

There was the goths, the jocks, the pillettes. That might just be because I'm from rail. Were people on smack in your school? People were on pill, not in school, but like on the weekends they were having pills and that. Maybe we're being blind, but there was no drugs in our school. No, there was puff. No, there was puff, but there was no like hardcore like... There was just weapons being sold.

Mate, come on, there must have been some. We went to Cardinal Eden in West Derby, and in our year group, there's now seven convicted murders. And it was a nice school. But there was no drugs! There was no drugs! Yes, they were buying them in from Bolivia and selling them, but they weren't doing them. Mad.

Maybe I was just blind and innocent. I don't think there was, you know. Yeah. There probably was. That blows my mind. In my head, 16 year olds are so young. When Runcorn. Anyway, you know what?

I'm so glad that fella's wrote in. Yeah, yeah. We sorted him out. We had a studio up in Runcorn. Yeah. Same place? In the Heath? In the Heath. That was our first studio before we moved here. In the Heath...

In the business park that used to be... No, so that business park was the aspiration. Because my first job when I was 16 was being a fucking... Again, this shows you how old I am it can compare to everyone else I was 16 and I was a male lad at ICI and the job of a male lad was to take notes memos from the offices and the factories around because there's no email that's how they all communicated and so I used to do that and the idea was that if you stayed at ICI long enough you could get up and work in the offices in the heath.

That was the dream. Just imagine if I'd have done that and then I'd have been in middle management and then I'd have been going all like if I hold on I'll get me pension and then you two dickheads come along and take the end off us and I'm going what the fuck's this I've given me life to this country look at these two dressing like they've just come in from Alabama look at them. Let's do some more advice this is from an anonymous lady Lids I need some advice I've been with my boyfriend now for almost five years. from an anonymous lady. Lids, I need some advice. I've been with my boyfriend now for almost five years. Leave him. And that's it. No. And I love him to bits and have always found him attractive. However, the past few months he's been prematurely going gray at the age of 29. He's insistent on embracing it and doesn't want to dye his hair, but it's making me self-conscious that it looks

like he's my dad when we're actually the same age. How do I come to terms with it? Or can I tell him to dye his hair without hurting his feelings? Thanks, Lids. That's from Anonymous. I refuse to believe that there's any women in their late 20s who'd rather have a man with dyed hair than grey hair. I know. And also, I think signing it Anonymous was a bit pointless, love. I don't think there's many 29-year-old men who's been out with a girl for five years who've gotta go I wonder if that's me or not me. If you're a grey 29 year old bloke, fucking dump her. She's shallow as fuck. She's so fickle. I've said it so many times,

I'll take going grey over using my hair. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it can be cool as well. He's got a bar on it. Going bald, I'll tell you. You know what I mean? All those fellas who go bald, because it's a sign that they've got a small penis in the crapping bed. You know, those with long flowing locks, whatever the colour, whatever the colour, is definitely better than a slapper. Crapping bed.

I've not enjoyed this bit. It's so bad in bed they have to sleep on their own. You've gotta love him for who he is and not for his hair. Exactly. What about his forehead? Love him for his forehead. George Lamb's sexy, he went grey young didn't he? Yeah, George Lamb, loads of forehead. George Lamb's sexy. He went grey young, didn't he?

Yeah, George Lamb. Loads of people. George Clooney. Yeah. In fact, lots of Georgias. Yeah, go grey. Alex Zane. Go grey young.

Albus Dumbledore. There's Bishop. There's Bishop. There's Bishop's grey. Yeah? And it looks cool. Albus Dumbledore's sexy. He's about 400 years older.

Yeah, yeah, but he's, you know, silver fox. He didn't know grey's leaves were 312. Silver fox. He didn't know guys, he was 312. Silver fox. But then there is those celebrities that cling onto it for too long. Like Paul McCartney was dying his head till he was like seven.

I know. And he looked ridiculous. Tom Jones was the one, weren't he, where he was like jet black, he was 82. And then one day went, oh, I can't. I'll give you a picture of the same stuff same the thing with paul mccarny wasn't tied well you know what i mean it was like obry color type thing on it and like some at least some did it well but then as soon as you stopped it just looked better i like for a at least she's

gonna see the future and decide whether she wants to be with him when he's 60 because she can see what he's gonna look like when he's 60 and if he see what he's going to look like when he's 60. And if he's going grey, he's not going to lose his hair. So you know you'll never have to fuck a baldie. Exactly. And the other thing is, the other thing is, you know, like, he's not going to leave her either. No other girl's going to shag a fella who's got grey hair. My chest hair is going grey. I've got my first, like, it's really going silvery.

Bit of grey in your beard as well, looks nice. Yeah, alright. Yeah, that's good for you. You've got a little racing stripe, haven't you? Yeah, nice. I fucking love it, don't you? Because all them badges are fucked. Where's you going, Paul?

Why did I bring the one about hair up? I chose that one. I don't know, mate. I don't know. With more experience, you'll avoid them in the future. Lucy D says, last one. Hi, my guys. Love you, Nob-Ed's, but I think you can help me out with the guys' perspective. We have a big group of mates who have all known each other from school, and we're still mates over five years later.

There's almost 20 of us and it's girls and boys in the friendship group. Problem is that whenever one of us girls meets a lad on a night out, the lads in our group act like territorial gorillas and get eggy and defensive of us. Even if we really like the lad. Is this normal boy behaviour? Any advice on how to fix this sitch? Or can you just have a word with them from me?

I think men get defensive of the ladies in the life, don't they? It's not like, it's not even like, I leave it alone, I'm interested in it, it's just. It's natural, we'll let that with Julia, your little sister, it's like, it doesn't matter, even like go away, she's your protect. I think also it's cause we know

what's going on in there then. Yeah. We know why they've come over. The girls are thinking, oh, this would be nice. She's probably thinking of going to lunch or going for a walk in the park. We think we know what he's thinking about. And it's all over your face and we don't want him to do that. You know what I mean? You just, that's what you did.

That's where you get protective. And also they've obviously got a close neck group, but underneath it, underneath it, we all know, if you're... Lads and girls are mates and that's brilliant. And I've got mates now. When I was... She sounds like she's in her 20s or something, presumed, because they're all single. If you're mates with a girl...

Girls may not think of it, but every lad's thought of it. Oh, it's gone through all of it. All of those lads that are being projective over here have all been thinking about it. It just is. I'm not being disrespectful, it's just that they've all thought about it in a completely different way. It's the fit ones, innit? The lads are getting territorial about the fit ones. Oh, yeah Oh yeah.

Rough looking Becky who's like, Oh, someone's talking to me. No one's like, leave her alone. Everyone will be like, Oh, good for you. Good for you. Becky. Yeah. Yeah. Buzzy buzzer. But that's just, that is a, I think that is a normal like family situation. You're like, you said little sister, they all view it as part of the family situation. You, like you said, little sister, they all view her as part of the family. And she's just got to, she's got to seize him. Look, I want a bit of dick. Just have a girls night.

That's the thing, isn't it? Yeah, that's the other thing. What are you doing going out with them? No beds for it. Anybody go out with your girl mates. Listen, this is, you can be a great boyfriend, a great husband, a great wife, a great girlfriend. There are, there's so much to be said for those nights out

when it's just the boys, when you're with the boys. And for girls, like it's not that you want to go out and cheat or whatever, it's that you just get to be. You want to go out and have fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You don't want to have to rugby topical rough looking Becky. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You don't wanna have to rugby top with a rough looking Becky, you know? Cause she's at the dips again. You wanna go out and have a laugh with like-minded people. Yeah, just get a girl.

That's the girls, not the boys. Get a girls night out on the go. I read an article the other day. No you didn't. No. No. No. Twitter.

You saw a TikTok. TikTok, there you go. Listen, I read this article, right? This moving article. No you didn't. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Come on. The Washington Post, will you ever leave me alone? So have you ever seen like a woman, have you ever seen like a woman overreact or something? Like a young girl, like a woman who like sees a spider and they go fucking mad or like, you know, like they, like they get a little little bit scared by, like, they'll be like, oh my God, I can't find my phone. Oh, there it is. You know, that sort of thing. And then men get really like overly pissed off about that.

I don't know if you've ever seen that. Oh, fucking spying on them, they'll scream, whatever. And then like the, the ral fella or the husband, they'll be like, fucking hell, Joan, fucking Christ. No need for that, girl. You know, like a big overreaction. Oh my God, I felt like I was here as soon as you- He's gone with it.

Oh wow. He had the no acting workshop. Apparently, that's because when a girl gets frightened, a man's instinct, if he's like lover, it is to protect them. So we are, our adrenaline get goes to like fight mode. Or what have I got to protect them from? And then we find out that it's fuck all.

So we got nothing to do with that energy, but tell them to shut the fuck up and get like, yeah. And I read that on the Washington Post. That's good. So, that's saying to every man, when you're shouting at your Mrs because she was shouting, it's not your fault. Exactly. So you can carry on shouting to her instead of you calming yourself down. There's a spider in the bath and you lose your mind.

I'm only annoyed with you because I was going to protect you. Yeah. I thought it was a burglar. It was actually a pigeon stuck in the loft. Your fault. Yeah. And I have punched a hole in the drywall, but that's just because I love you. That's how much I care. That's how much I love you.

Stop crying. I haven't got any more pod left, have I? Oh, end of the show. John, thank you so much for coming in. We've really, really, really wanted to get you in for such a long time. Plug your socials, John. We'll get you a few more followers. Just hit a million followers, haven't you, on Instagram? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the tour starts next year, 25.

25 is going to be next October. And honestly, I'm looking forward to it because it's genuinely not something I ever expected. You know, this game, you can't come into this game and think you're going to stay in it. And you know, you go up and you hop one minute and then all you got to do then is hang on for as long as you can.

And it's been a hell of a ride. So, and now looking at it, I've progressed all the way to sitting on your couch. It's 25 quid a ticket, isn't it? That's a really like sound thing that people... Yeah, well that was another thing as well. We were just talking about it. I just said, I want to kind of, I want to remove any barrier for anyone coming because it genuinely is an opportunity for me to thank people for giving me a big house. I'm going to buy a big flat soon.

Oh nice. Yeah, we've got a song. It's his song. I'm going to take the opportunity to just plug mine again. Hi, this is Finlay K. Finlay K outskirts. It was on a couple of weeks ago. Thanks for the comments on it.

We're well over 10,000 streams now, so keep it going. Appreciate it. Flyin'. So is that, is this genuinely your song? Yeah. And that's genuinely your name? Yeah. Finley K.

I know, Finley Quay, I know. I got told well too late. No, that's great. I mean, his actual name's Turkish and weird. So he's just sort of- Yeah, no one can say my surname, so I've just shortened it. Okay. What's your surname? Culivers, like Culivers, but with a K. Oh, no, it's okay. But he has to do that every time. Yeah. You can't start your band sessions like that. You can't be like, oh,

Finley Culivers. Culivers, I've known him for years. I still call him Coovaloos. I still call him Koovaloo's. It's very good. It's very, how come you're not Irish? I don't know. I can't answer that. With a name like Finlay Kay, you should be Irish. Yeah, Finlay is quite Irish. I'm going, I want to see you song now, but the people... He can't be any more nationalised. Half Welsh, half Turkish. Oh, I heard this on Andrew's show, yeah, when he was being racist about everyone in the room.

Hey! Like, shall we... We'll play it out. You just play it out. Yeah. We're very proud of you. Outskirts. Well done.

Thank you, John. Thanks, John. Thanks so much for coming on. Thank you. Thank you. Babs. We are now at the Central Park Road We are now at the Central Park Road

We are now at the Central Park Road Some things have changed But not much new Around my life I'll see you You're a million livi-o, skirts of tile The weight of the world is dragging me down Can't think too much, feeling losing touch And I get no sleep When I close my eyes I see no sign of life Sweet relief Life's sweet relief

It felt like I wanted more But it just felt the same as before All things must change I guess that's true Around my life I'll see you In the middle of the obvious skirts of town I'm living in a living up in the skirts of town The weight of the world is dragging me down

There's been too much feeling losing touch And I get no sleep When I close my eyes I see no sign of life Sweet relief Look how the wind blows It feels like it's over Look how the wind blows I don't even know you Look how cold wind blows

Feels like it's over The cold wind blows I don't even know you In the middle of the outskirts of town The weight of the world is dragging me down And I think too much and lose in touch And I get no sleep When I close my eyes I see no sign of that sweet relief

The cold wind blows It feels like it's over The cold wind blows I don't even know you anymore