Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #302 with Rhys James - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: November 11, 2024

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? https://youtu.be/Li6FQUiaeBITickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsRhys' Special: rhysjames.co.ukThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lids. If you haven't already seen me shouting about this all over social media, Friday, the 8th of November, 12 p.m. on the Have A Word YouTube channel.

My brand new standup special, What's Wrong With Me, goes live. It's my fourth full length standup special, self-produced, produced by the team in-house here at Have A Word. It looks incredible, it sounds incredible, and I'm really proud of the hour to stand up. I toured it all over the world.

I've absolutely loved doing it. And I can't believe we finally got it ready to release. We're releasing it for free on YouTube, 12 p.m., Friday the 8th of November. Do us a favor, I want you to watch it, I want you to comment on it, I want you to like it, I want you to share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it on your Instagram stories,

send it as many places as you possibly can for me. Let's get some numbers on this thing and show these big streaming services that they were wrong to not be interested in it. This is independently produced, that has never been a stand-up special, produced to this standard, released for free on YouTube.

I'm so, so, so excited about this and I know you're all gonna love it. So do us a favor, watch it, tell your mates about it and let me know what you think of it. Friday, the 8th of November, youtube.com slash Have A Weird Pod. It's gonna be a belter. Enjoy the episode as well.

I've already recorded that and that was class two. See you soon. Dead excited, let's go. What's happening lads, before we start this week's episode of the Have A Weird Podcast, do us a favor, make sure you're following us on all social media. We are at Have a Weird Pod on Twitter, Instagram,

and TikTok. And on top of that, don't forget to go and subscribe to the Patreon page, patreon.com slash have a weird pod. Early access to these episodes, an extra episode just for you lot every single week on Patreon. And don't forget those monthly specials

of which there are 40 plus now. They're basically a movie every single week on Patreon. And don't forget those monthly specials of which there are 40 plus now. They're basically a movie every single month. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Enjoy the episode. It's a belter. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Kal and Finn. This is the one and only Half Hourward. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming.

Go Ed, get on me. Here we are. Here we are. You, me and all them. I've got a moustache again. Oh well, this is going against what you were saying. You were saying absolutely not, never again. I don't think I said that. Made you look like a trucker pedophile. I didn't say that, I think that was me and you,

that was behind this basket. Oh, you're shit. That was my internal monologue. It's back. It's back. The fucking breeze changed. Well, I don't like how me long beard grows. It grows in like my directions,

like some of it's fucking off here, some of it's over here, some of it's like, wow. You don't cut it yourself though, do you? No, I don't. Like when I go to the barber's and I get me long beard like cut in, I leave and I'm like, fucking hell, look at that gorgeous cunt there. But then like a couple of days later, I'm like,

do you know what, it's a bit scruffy. Talk about yourself or Josh. Me. Oh. All right. But then like a couple of days later, I'm like, do you know what, it's a bit scruffy. Talk about yourself or Josh. Me. Oh. All right. Well, I've shaved my head at zero and I have made a promise to my wife and everyone else

that I will never go back to letting it grow out because I did a video with my daughter yesterday and I saw my head at an angle that I haven't seen before. Cool video. Have you been trying to grow your hair back? Yeah. I just, I get swept up. When you get on something, I'm like,

oh, I've got to do it as well. Like look at my career for the last four years. Finn Taylor did a roast joke about me having to pretend to like whatever you like. And you know, when you're laughing at something going, God damn it, that's so annoyingly true. And I was like, I'm gonna have the little go-to, but I reckon it looks better if I grow a little bit

of the hair out, not loads, obviously not long, but just don't clip it to like zero or one. And Laura's been going, she's been nice about it, but she's been going, hey, that's long. You know like doing the, oh, that's long. And she's been going hey that's long that you know like doing the oh that's long and she's a nice supportive she knows just this no it wasn't it wasn't like it wasn't long was it yeah it was like Hulk Hogan yeah i wasn't braiding it i don't i'd have tried but um how long was it i have you not seen the video the video is super on your instagram i deleted it oh no i honestly i

gave myself the ick have you got it on your phone though? Show me. Cause the video is so cool. I've fracked. I've not. You've not got that video no more? No. It's him and Etta dancing, but it's dead, like wholesome. He's got shit hair, doesn't he? Oh, oh, oh. It's so bad. And I've shaved it off. I'm going to get my beard back. So this whole thing is changing up. Oh, I like the goatee.

I don't, I've gone off it. I can't do full skinhead and goatee, but it was, it's, listen, I'm not super prideful. When you look like this, you can't be, but I went, ha, God, that is bad. That is looked terrible. So I'm, I've clipped is bad. That it's looked terrible. So I've clipped it and I'm gonna grow the beard back. How long has it been growing for?

Cause this is the first time I've had it, I don't know if by the way. About a year and a half. Four years. It wasn't long, long, but it was like longer than a bald man. As long as my beard. It was getting as long as your tash. No, not quite.

But it was getting too long. So why don't you have hair? What? Why don't you just have hair? Why don't you have hair? I'm older than you. I'm older than you. Daddy.

Why don't you have hair like we had the tash? If you can grow it out, why don't you? Cause all of my bald spot is so, so bald. And it's the proper like, do you remember Antilio Lombardo? Yeah. When he played for Crystal Palace. It was that kind of ball.

But it was a lovely video. Oh, it's great video, but the thing is me and my daughter get on pretty well. We can make other videos where I don't look horrific. Genuine question, was it intentional? Were you going out to see what it looked like? Yeah, I was just gonna do a little goatee and then the little side bits and the back bit,

but I sort of hadn't seen it from the angles. Have you ever considered a toupee? Yeah. Have you? I mean, I'd give it a go. Toupee or not toupee? On the company card. Toupee or 9-11?

I think you could pull it off. I don't think... I mean, the thing is you can pull them off. That's the thing with toupees. And you can... Other people can pull them off. And then you're a twat in a nightclub with glue on your head Is that how you pronounce it?

So I think that's the risk isn't it? But like they're good now aren't they? They used to look mental And I don't think they're pull-proof Could you pull up like modern toupees for us? Toupees you call? Carl's having his own podcast now I know know it's too posse. Let's get the telly on. It should just come on its own. Let's hope. Show me one of these glue gaffes cause I'll give it a go. Wow. Yeah. Looks like a sex offender in the picture with

her. Just looks like a man with her. Oh, by the way, can you put this on the screen? People are getting upset by the camera. Yeah, it's if it if if it's caught on camera, it's on the screen. If it's not caught on camera, I don't put on the screen. Obviously, people are getting upset. And well, for the audio listeners, there's a bald guy. Now look at that Asian fellow there, Finn at the top.

Oh, now look at that, Dan. He's just smiling. That is a man who's not actually going properly bald as well. Look at the amount of hair on his fucking head. Yeah, you see? Creepy young bald guy. Look at that. I don't know if that ever happened to others.

That's where I was going. So listen. Is that the most like what your hair would go like? I don't like. Rob Holding. Let's go back to him, don't we? I think we, like, cause you said no to the transplant or the transplant said no to you, didn't it?

I think there was a combo of both things happening there. I just, like, I'd love to see you with some locks. I just think you'd look like. All right, cool, get some Pritt stick. Let's shave Wallace. I'm into it. Fucking shave my dog. Oh God, you're a into it. Fucking shave a bad dog for your head. Oh god, you stupid idea.

You fucking... no. Erm, so yeah. I'm... the goatee's on the way out. I can do... I can do zero in it, but you can't then have a goatee, I don't think. I don't know why I've made this little rule in my... Did yours grow in there?

I'm just going to grow my little gingery beard back. You used to have a beard? I don't remember. For years. Did he? Yeah. Did he? I don't remember. Did you?

What do you mean? Do you have a beard? I don't know. Have we met? Adam, guns here and there, now I'm standing by the beard. You don't know what to say. Yeah you do, because do you remember when I shaved it off and you were like, oh my god, never shave your beard off.

No, you shaved your goatee off. No. But you're not going to shave your beard off. I'm going to shave my beard off. I'm going to shave my beard off. I'm going to shave my beard off. I'm going to shave my beard off. I'm going to shave my beard off. shaved it off and you were like, oh my god, never shave your beard off. No, you shaved your goatee off. No, no.

Look, eaglies. I've had this goatee since we went to Amsterdam. You're like, you've always had a goatee. I can't even imagine you without it. I can't. Oh well, this is you being thick, not my facial hair being weird. Are you 100% sure you've had a beard? Because I believe you. I believe beard? Because I believe you.

I believe all women. I believe you. That's not true. I believe you. But I can't remember it. Do you think it's... Do you think it's my beard that's at fault here? Or you just not giving a fuck?

Shro Dangar's beard. Shro Dangar's beard. Shro Dangar's beard. I need to have luck. Google him, yeah. I like the goatee. You look tough. Dan Nightingale's wife is the second Google search. Oh, Laura loves that by the way.

Dan Nightingale's hair is the third. Sheffield is great. Google Dan Nightingale's network right now. Why is Dan Nightingale sheffield oh that better be for fucking tickets and not for my car that died it will be doesn't even come up then oh i don't it says i was like at like four bill he hasn't got to be in any of them pictures what what what do you mean it's a little that's a different i've never met that man in my life on the oh jesus all that man i know you didn't you literally didn't meet that man in my life. On the... Oh Jesus. Or that man.

I know you didn't, you literally didn't meet that man. Look, second one along. Look, the one with the hat. What? I can't... Can you just use the one with the recent one? Look, that one you fucking spanner. That's what I had.

Do you remember that? That's not you. That's from a year and a bit ago. Is it? Yeah. It's so photoshopped. Do you remember that? Do you remember like four months ago?

By the way that thumbnail of Brexit that night and girl is so funny. Look how positive I was about it. Hello. Hello. We're getting our country back. I'm happy about it. You look a bit like Jake Garrett. That's Sm? Look at that smoldering one as well. What was that for? When did you take this, people? Ah, the smolder. Oh! Oh!

Look at the headline! Ah! Team Helmet UK! Oh, yeah. What's this? I told you about this. It's a website that archives everybody who's got circumcision. Oh, I don't think I was in that day.

Were you not in? No. Oh, yeah, I'm on the circumcision website. I'm one of the, you know, brand leaders of circumcision in the UK. The role model. They archive everything. How do they know about it?

Because you spoke about it on this. Oh really, yeah? They like time stamp it. Here we go again. You circumcised, like, you never brought it up. No, no, no, I know you've got no hood, but like. I've never seen your bug head, so I don't know. You could be lying. But how do they know, is what I'm asking.

Yeah, but you have seen my beard, so it's fucking... It's all in the same ballpark. I'm like, I don't know. That smoldering picture is fucking hilarious. That is an Andy Hollingworth special done at the King's School in Chester in about 2011. Why? What was the purpose of that shot? There was a tower in the back. When you do photo shoots, there's a...

For those who don't know, there's a, for those who don't know, there's a brilliant photographer called Andy Hollingworth. And he, every time he does a photo shoot, he basically goes, hey, can I do the ones you want? And then he's like, can I do the one that I want? So he does like an arty one, and that was one of his arty ones.

Dan, why do you look older there? Do you look older there? I'm red. You look old, you look older there? And red. You look so much more well now. Can I just say, I wasn't that red, because I tell you that jacket was not that blue. He's fucked with the colours. Anyway, this is mainly an audio podcast, so can we get back to what it actually is. You also look like you do tarot readings and that.

Yeah, I do do tarot readings. Mystic, Dan. I told you that as well. You do tarot readings? Bearded circumcised tarot readings. In Butlins? No, I didn do tarot readings. Mystic, Dan. Told you that as well. You do tarot readings? Bearded circumcised tarot readings. In Butlins? No, I didn't, Carl. It doesn't work if you say it wrong.

Haven. Haven. You do Haven, mate? Brand new information for the fifth time. Mad. You'll forget that soon enough. Dan, I don't think you know your history. It's not my ADHD.

It's enough to make you go, whoa. Yeah, so I'm one of the faces of circumcision Aladdin Stockton on teas. I did Stockton on Saturday for the fiends and Aladdin Stockton was getting circumcised at 24 years old. I think not at the gig. Yeah, they do. Sir.

That's what we do now. It's part of my merch stand. We do post sign posters, tea towels and... Getting is a present participle. ...Amy Lee Owens circumcises people. Getting is a present participle. Going to get. Please. Sorry. No. Fuck me. Stop being a cunt.

That was an ick. Stop being a cunt. He was getting circumcised. If I said to you, what are you doing tomorrow, and you said I'm getting me haircut, I wouldn't just think you're getting your haircut right now when I can't see Josh. No, because you said tomorrow. Don't shave me dog. How old are you again when you got it done?

I was seven. But I got it done because my dad had to get circumcised at 19 and it was horrific. He got like an infection in his whatever. Nice to talk about your dad's dick in it on a podcast. I know it was a public episode. Has he got a big dick? I wonder if this will make him text me, text me for the first time in about a year. I'm talking about your dick now. Has he got a big dick?

Do you know? I've got reasons to believe my dad's got a mugger. Does it go from your granddad's dick? You know that's your hair. You get your hair from your mum's dad. You don't get your dick from your dad's dad. You get your dick from your dad's mum. Where'd you get your dick from? What? Where'd you get, where's your dick lineage? I don't know. I just, my mum made a joke once about my dad's dick and it just made me think that he's probably got a little. Oh shit. What kind of banter was that in front of the kids? So I was, I was, I think I was like 17. So my fees have been the same size since I was like 16, 17.

So I was like, hey, mom, I'm a size eight now. And that means I've got bigger feet than my dad. And she was like, yeah, you probably got something else bigger than him as well. Arms. I think she meant me cock she was she's drinking at the time probably all right um but like that's the type of jokes we want to make anyway also me one never like sort of clouded me from that's not mad no mum banter 17 yeah my dear departed mother i can't remember a lot of dick jokes, but you know, maybe that's, she made them with us. Yeah. Yeah. Even though she died when you were five years old, but she still, you know, my mom was like, I had a ridiculous sense of humor and she got, she's part of

you having the sense of, yeah, she got into standup, really. So like anything like that was always like, I mean, I'm love telling jokes. Like she just like constantly, like constantly, I like stupid, like, you know, like old school, like little Timmy at school jokes. And I did always end up at like, an N-word or something. Was she, was she like good at like a family do, she was like the centre of attention good

crap yeah yeah yeah yeah always up on the dance floor dancing until she lost a leg and then she was on it rolling rolling around in a wheelchair oh i thought you just fucking not as proud man he was on rolling on the dance floor oh it's a shame you got to explain it because it stood it stood out as a brilliant joke. I didn't think you got it. What, the way we were all stopped and laughed? What a needy comedian that is.

I don't think you got it. You weren't laughing in an array, were you? Oh, wow. So your mum never made any jokes like that? Not like inappropriate stuff? It's not like one of my lasting memories of her is dick jokes. My mum doesn't, my mum's such a prude. Like I've never even swore in front of her.

Yeah, in public. Even in private with me. Not with me though. No. I couldn't talk about it. I was talking about the dicks, jokes, you know, demands, everything. I know. But I'm not there.

No. That's all that matters. The first time my mum ever saw me swore was on the stage at the arena. Anyone? No. Saw me swore. First time my mum's ever witnessed me swear was on the stage in the arena.

What did she say about it? Who didn't like that call? Yeah, she put an accent on it. Oh, bloody hell. You blathered mum. Sorry. No, I've seen you swore. Yeah she went oh you're very sweary.

I was like I'm 30 years of age mum. Shut the fuck up you stupid old cunt. I didn't do that. Hang on. There's a lie. There's gotta be a lie. I'm a man now mum. You can fuck my girl.

I don't know. And I still won't. I'm like an old man and I've sweared all I want mother. I've got me own house now. Now I still won't. Am I going to hold my hand and swear at all I want, mother? I've got my own house now. Now finish my fucking washing. But I'll never swear in front of her. What would your mum have to do for you to tell her to fuck off? Do you think there's anything she could do?

Probably, yeah. Yeah. But she's not like that. She's nice, isn't she? There's probably something. She spilled paint on the floor once and shouted at me recently. And then he told her to fuck off. If she came to yours on Christmas Day and just for no reason just took her pants out and shit all over your kitchen when you started swearing at her then.

Probably yeah. Because I'd come up and go what the fuck are you doing and if she went whoa mouth I'd be like you've shite all over my kitchen. It's amazing how your mind works. What would make Carl swear at his mum? I know, take her pants off. I'd have questions. Yeah, I'd have questions before I started swearing.

No, I'd go, what the fuck are you doing? She'd go, you're pooing still. Yeah, but once you start. I'd make a cleaner up and leave. How long before you talk to her? We're doing Christmas dinner at your house next time. New year, probably. All right, okay.

Do you swear around your mum? Yeah. Yeah, she's fine with it. She's fine with it. Last night, I got back from the match quite late and I walked in and I just heard her laughing upstairs. So I went up and went, you're all right. She's like, yeah, I'm fine.

I was like, what's up? She was like, I wanna show you something. She went on her phone. She was like, I've been tracking my snoring. I was like, right, okay. Like, do you know them apps where you record your snoring? I was like, right, okay. Do you know them apps where you record your snoring? I was like, oh, she was like, I want to show you something. I was like, okay.

I was like, have you said something funny? She's like, no. So I was like, have you done something funny? She's like, yeah. She was like, I've showed everyone in work, press play. It was the loudest fart I've ever heard in my life. She was like, I've been showing everyone at work. I went, why?

Because it's funny. That's a sense of humour. Don't show like, why? I don't know. If I had that on my phone, I'd come in and show all of you at work. It's because she's a woman. It's because it's my mum.

Well, she's not- Oh, your mum farts, Finn, come on. She's a real woman. She farts, she poos, she fucks, she does whatever she wants. She's got needs, man. Wind-based needs. I'm not getting involved here. She's like, she's great. Did she tell you what? She did tell me off.

Yeah. She said she was going to. I didn't think she actually was. Oh, no, not in person. Oh, right. Why? What do you mean? Because every special now you're talking about her flicking her bean. Every special. Yeah, pretty much. Every special. It's been a few. Well, she should stop doing it down. Can't spell it.

Yeah, she she's fine with swearing. Doesn't doesn't matter. She doesn't like doesn't like if I say cunt though. My mom, my mom was a bit like that. It's mad and it's just a noise. Yeah. Say it then. Cunt. No, it's just a noise isn't it? Yeah, yeah. You can't just say that again. You've just sat there for 10 minutes saying you don't swear in front of your mum being a big gimp about it all and then you're like, oh it's just a noise. No, I'm not saying to your mum, I'm saying people who specifically don't like that word. Say everything but that word.

Just because they've been told. Exactly. They don't like it. What's I'm saying? Say it to that. It's genuinely why I just won't be bothered if my kids swear at school. I hear they get in trouble for swearing at school and the teacher's like, Oh, we can't be calling other students a cunt and calling me a fat swat. I'll be like, why? It's quite disrespectful. So what? Don't don't be worthy of more respect

than be a better teacher. Tell them to stop being such a cunt. What age would you teach your kids? Start teaching them swear words. I'm not going to teach them swear words, but I'm also... Yeah you are. No, I'm not going to sit them down. I may be like, right today we're going to learn when to call someone a cunt. Like I'm not going to do that. Yeah, but I think they'll pick a lot up. I'm just like, I'm going to...

Just put them in the car. If they pick it up, from all the people that are hanging around with the school and stuff, if they then get in trouble for it, I'll be like, arsed. But if they were like three and they were just going around the house saying like, come. If little Vinnie comes in the bedroom in the morning and goes, what's that motherfuckers? I would burst out laughing. It's Zach, no. Oh, it's Zach.

Vinnie's going to be the dog. Zach. I would burst out laughing. Yeah. It's Zach though. Yeah. Oh, it's Zach. Vinnie's going to be the dog. If Vinnie came in and said that, wow. But yeah, if my son came in. That's a funny three year old. Yeah. So my three year old son opens my bedroom door and goes, what's up motherfuckers? I'd be like, oh my God, that is first words. What happens if he goes, where's me? Well, that is a worry in it This is a slow kid a dad worried the damn breaks with What'd you say then where's my counting mom dad I'd be like, what's your mom done to upset you?

That's why you're calling in your mom a cunt mom Don't know I'll enter that school Yeah, well that way is wet for when people are being like a really bad person is your mom a cunt and mum? Do I now? I learnt it at school. Yeah well that word's for when people are being like a really bad person. Is your mum a really bad person? Sometimes. No she's not. What's she ever done to you? She hits me behind closed doors when you're not there. Does she? I have to have a way with her about that. She asked me in a bit of a cunt there. Cheers dad. I'm only three.

Yeah I no. There's some things that at certain ages, you can't be having it like 16, do what you want, but you can't be walking around the old school and people constantly like eight. If someone's being a cunt, I don't know why you can't. It is just a noise. I mean, also the house is different from school

and like if you've got a kid who's swearing and whatnot and you're not bothered in the house no one's gonna pull it up but it's the school is gonna be an issue in it. Yeah but like if they bring me in right I would want to know the context it wouldn't like he said cunt at school like well what was the person he called a cunt doing? Being a cunt and then you're like sound I'm off. You're going to be in a lot. Cool. What can he do there? Do you have the teacher?

Exclude him. No, so you're like, as he's done something, you go in and go, I'm not really asked. What happens then? What do you mean? What if you're not bothered about like, the behavior they're bothered about?

Oh, if you take no accountability for a kid's behavior. No, I take accountability. Yeah, yeah. I taught him. I don't think that's the accountability. I'm fully accountable for it, but I'm not arsed. I don't think that's the accountability they're looking for. Yeah, I know it's not.

That's not my problem. No, Etta does something bad in school. Not even swearing. Yeah, she takes a firearm in. Yeah. I don't know. What is it? But you go in and go,

pfft, I'm not really arsed to be honest. Yeah. What would the school then do? Well, I mean, it's gonna, you're gonna start on the path down towards the kid getting excluded. For your actions? What?

I'm saying- No, it's for the child's actions and then the school are coming to you to go, hey, this is an issue, can you help with this? Cause it's obviously shared responsibility, isn't it? They want parents to be able to help them lay down the rules. And if you go, no, I'm not asked. You need a firearm, schools are fucking mad.

Yeah, but like that's the extreme. And so what's like the lowest thing that the school would be pissed off by? That like- ABH. What? Go on. A big horse.

Like- Yeah, don't take a big horse. No weapons, no big horses. A little horse, a donkey's fine. Who's even asked about a donkey? Plus the nativity's coming up, she's helping. I like the school girl go, oh yeah, today Etta stole someone's milk and then when they asked for it she put it in the bin. And said, what are you going to do? You milk a little bitch?

No, she didn't swear. Oh, she didn't swear. Even that's like, that's a big enough problem, like we can't have a thieving. Or Liam as well. Yeah, totally. So what if like she just keep shouting the word bumming in class, just out of context. She's paying bumming bonus.

Out of context? Do it in context, I don't know. That wasn't even in context. So the teacher's just like doing their lesson and Esther's just going bumming, like for no reason. Please say that in work. And then the school bring it in and you in. And they're like, she keeps shouting bummin'.

Like you're going to go, I said, could you stop shouting bummin'? And I was like, maybe, don't know. Oh, so I've helped. I think that's what the school want. They want me to go, hey, stop shouting bummin'. And then she goes. But if I go, if I turn around and go, you know what? It's funny.

She's getting a laugh. I wash my hands of this situation. Shout it loud, baby. Bummin'. Bummin'. Yeah. I just don't like... Yeah, I think if the teacher can't get through a full, like, lesson plan because my daughter's shouting, BUMMIN' in various ways loud, I think eventually they're going to get pretty pissed off

and ask her to leave the class. It's not exclude-worthy, is it? Why are you in? Shouting bummin. I mean, listen, I've got kids that haven't pushed the boundaries on this, but I reckon eventually they'd give some warnings. Why is she just singing bummin to herself while the lesson's happening? So she's not really distracting people, but the teacher doesn't really like her. So she's just there going bummin, bummin, bummin. No, to the tune of CeeLo Green, Begging.

Bummin, bummin you. Who's that? stay going. Bowman. No to the tune of CeeLo Green. Begging. No other kids are complaining, but the teachers like, huh? Sorry. Carry on. So no, no, no other kids are complaining about it. They're not even distracted by it, but the teachers just like as you keep singing Bowman to CeeLo Green's begging. The teacher goes, that wasn't CeeLo Green. What we're trying to get to is, you know, cause I don't work for the school or the, you know, school authority. Do you want me to put this into action? Do you want me to go back tonight and go at it?

Listen, we've got a little social experiment. I just, I wonder what happens there. Like if the teachers like she keeps singing bumming to the, to the, to that begging song, I can't remember who sings it, but like, like she keeps singing that and then you go, well, what disruptions are causing the teachers? Like, well, no one seems distracted by it, but it's doing my head in. Wouldn't you just be like,

shut the fuck up, Miss Gobshite, or whatever? Yeah, I would. Yeah, I just say, shut the fuck up, Miss Gobshite. And she go, do you know what? You spoke to me fairly there, and I'll take, I am a bit of a gobshite. I'll take it on the chin. Track on.

Love the pop, by the way. Miss Gobshite. Good morning, Mrs. Gobshite. Good morning, Mrs. Gobshite. But Etta doesn't say it, because she's like, bombing, bombing you. And all the kids on her table are like,

God, I'm not even distracted by this. She's been doing this for two and a half years. But actually, I like the rhythm of it. Helps me with me work. And one day that she's ill the whole class is like miss we can't concentrate without eter nightingale singing bumming this is a nightmare well I don't know I don't you know what great questions I haven't got the answer but I think if you keep ignoring what the school are bitching about they are gonna fucking hoist someone out of

a class eventually I just wonder like like what's the source are bitching about, they are going to fucking hoist someone out of a class eventually. I just wonder, like, what's the source of... Because there's got to be a line, hasn't there? Because obviously, like, the absolute, like, pinnacle of, like, a problem is that, like, taking a firearm in and shooting the school up. She should get excluded for that. Wow, it's good to see you. That's the first time there's any concession for the school.

No, I'll give you that. Little Zach goes in, kills nine people. I'll be like, right, that was a bit out of order. Singing, bumming, bit of ABH, donkey, large horse. I'm not asked. If anything, I've bought them all those things. But yeah, nine people dead, you know, that is out of order.

So that, you would go in there and be like, do you know, I've fared enough, like, exclude them. I'll be honest. I love it. I love it. And then he takes a firearm and shoots nine people dead. And they're like, we're gonna have to see you after class. We're not gonna go to the police.

This is a Liverpool school. We're not fucking grasses. We'll just say they fell in the playground. Don't worry about it. It's a bullet. A lot of fucking- He landed on some bullets. I'm not a snitch.

But then like, let's say they banned from Ash phrase from school. Right. And my kids starts taking from Ash phrasing. Like if they go to court with that, I'm going to fucking win. Andy, let me kid. Let's from our, from Ash phrase. He's autistic. He won't eat more corners. It's going to court.

You don't know. But this is what I'm saying. Like the shooting world go to court. The fromage frafing I don't think would. So that means between shooting and smuggling fromage fraise in, there's a line where the school is right. And I think in somewhere closer to fromage fraville, then you know, nine dead in a shooting.

That's in France. Think of... I think if little Zachy Rowe is in class, it's like, all right class, have you handed in your tests? And little Zach goes, shut up you are bitch. I think. That's so funny though. Oh, objectively pretty funny. It's gonna get a laugh in the room. I don't think the school's so funny though. Oh, objectively, pretty funny.

It's going to get a laugh in the room. I don't think the school are going to be happy. I think that is going to be like, get out of the class, you cannot speak to me like that. And then you're going to get called in. And then the real fucking fun starts. Yeah, but where's bumming on that scale? Like singing it.

Where's that? Do you know what I mean? Singing bumming is below that, isn't it? I think so. Chatting, because I was like, where's that? Do you know what I mean? Singing bummings below that, innit? I think so. Chatting, because I was like, chat's too much. That was always my thing. And now you're new for the living. Yeah.

I'm not going to go anywhere talking. You're never going to have an award winning podcast. You want to have a calculator in your pocket? Sit on that, Miss Pearson, I have. You want to have a calculator in your pocket? There you go, Miss Pearson. Shut up, you arse bitch. Did people get excluded from your schools though?

Surely people got. Yeah, they all got excluded last week and then all turned into murderers. Like not during school. No one in your year got, like, we had a lad that. There was a couple of lads who did. But they were like. But you had to do, you had to, what?

They were bad lads though. What are you laughing at? We had a lad that got expelled for jizzing in the library. Yeah yeah yeah but was it funny? You know? Like... No hang on. Hang on. Was he masturbating or did he just come in his pants? No no he was masturbating. Was it in the library? He was masturbating under the table and came in a book and then put the book back on the shelf. That's sick. What a place that I jizz. What book was it? I can't remember. That's a pertinent question. If it's 50 Shades of Grey, then why is that in the school library? School library! You know what I mean? And this is in the BDSM section. If it was the Holy Bible, I get it. The Holy Bible? That's what it says on the front.

50 Shades of Grey, you can't exclude them for that. If it's fucking of mice and men. That's a weird kink, you know what I mean? George kills Lenny. Oh, there's a bit of jizz in here as well. Have you finished your book report? Come on, the last page. Have you finished your book report?

You broke down the first page. I can't open these pages, man. That's not expel-worthy. He's just experimenting. What? No. Did anyone see it? Well they found the book with jizz in it. I don't think that's enough to...

I'm telling you right now, that would not get you expelled from Carderline. No way. That would have been... No, it wouldn't have. If you got your dick out and was like, join me! Like the Bill Bavey, looking at people while you were doing it. Then yeah, that would get you expelled. But just going in the corner on your own

and coming in a book, I'm telling you right now, you'd get a 15 minute detention. I didn't know it was him as well. Some kind of Jeremy Kyle DNA test. He went out and started telling people I've jizzed in a book. Oh, that's silly, innit? You've got to find it. 15 minute detention for jizzing in a library book?

I honestly think it would be like a... You wouldn't do what expel for coming in school. That would have even taken a piss. Surely you are. Surely. There's not a school. I was, there was, there was girls in the library when he was doing it. Yeah. Like totally. What I'm saying is in our school, there is not a chance that would have happened. There was kids in our school who put like stools over teacher's head and got like a week off and would just turn up with three of their cock through wheelies outside the school. I think there's, I think Cardinal Heenan have got a lot to answer for, when they've got so many alumni murderers, you know, they're all smashing. Oh, it is. We just had a bad year and that is a genuine fact. Yeah. Yeah.

Lots of stools being smashed overheads and people just jizzing freely. It wasn't in the quad. It was, it was, Carl Heenan is a fucking great school, especially now. Yeah. Yeah. Sensitive stocks. Any sports school? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Gerard, David Nugent, David Price, Paddy Pimblit. Michael Schumacher. LAUGHTER Yeah, I've got him play it. Schumacher. Can't remember his first name. John Welsh. John Welsh, yeah. Michael Schumacher. Ayrton Senna. Rubens Barrichello. Adam Row, Lewis Calvert, Tony Carroll, Pete McColl, Tony Simpson. Scouse comedy royalty.

That 2011 batch. Carl Regler. Carl Regler. He went there. Cool. Ian Hart, former Leeds left back. No, Voldemort, Professor Quill. Nice. Do you ever think you can fabulate school?

Did Ian Hart go? No. No? So what do you mean? You're like confident that like there's no like you're being slightly nostalgic for it. This is how that it was like fucking. But you've got five murderers and Michael Schumacher. So I think some of the memories are a little off. Like the way you go on about it, it's as if it was lawless and you can just do what

you want. No, they made it outside of school. You just said people were jizzing freely. No, no, he said that in a bit. What I'm saying is if they were jizzing freely, they would have been hitting people, hitting teachers over the head with a stone. That wasn't every day. That was like every few weeks. And also we don't know for a fact that you're allowed to jizz. Adam's just saying it with total conviction. It wasn't like at the end of every assembly, and just remember you're free to jizz. Absolutely no repercussions,

but we'd like you not to, all right? It was a boys' school. Now everyone turn to page 29. So here's an example. A lad we used to be really good friends with threw a full boiling hot cup of coffee in a girl's face and got suspended for two weeks. Coming in a book is not an issue. She was being a good...

But the school was really good and strict. Did you just get a little bit of like... It wasn't strict. That was a joke. No, no shit. But it's a prosperous school. Like people do well. Like I didn't revise and like walk my GCSEs and then did all right. I never once I put it in my head. And every now and again, he'd smash a stool over the teacher's head because they wouldn't let me sell me chocolates in class. Prosperous school. Ramay. I'd say his name, can't I?

Mr. Ramay. Ramay. Ramay once took all Stephen Dixon's bands off him. Remember rubber bands? Yeah. Took them all off him and went... What rubber bands? Like Livestrong and...

Oh, like Help for Heroes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Back when they were cool. Not Help for Heroes, no. You have to be a special type of lizard to have a load of Help for Heroes or Peach Art. The Sooner. They essentially wear the same thing.

I know, yeah, yeah. It was the anti-racism one, which was like a Jewish one, black and white. Yeah, that was the... They'd link together. And there was the blue one, which was anti-bullying. Livestrong, which was the cancer one. How many did Steve Dixon go to?

These were all meant to be for charity and Steve Dixon got more from them. He went to America, came home with thousands. Like a Masai tribeswoman. Yeah, and I went, right, I'm taking all them and I want all the profit out the bank that you've made. Yeah. You want all the money you've made, I want it.

Like he wanted it, not the school. He said, I want, I know, I remember this. Cause we were all sat in the lunch room. By the doors by where Mr. Rogers had told us. And he went, I know about all the money you've made this week, all 84 pounds of it. And as he walked off, Steve was like, I've made nearly a grand. Yeah, they were popular.

I spent a five on a tsunami band. What the fuck's a band? Where was Steve Dixon getting them in from? Was he getting them in from China? No, he went to America and bought loads. It's really bad when you think about it because it was all meant to be for charity and it all just went into Steve Dixon's pocket.

Better than Mr. Ramai's pocket. Ramai, man. That was school again. They brought Steve's parents in and Steve's parents were like, yeah, you're not having his money. You'd stop and sell them, but you're not having his money. You can stop him selling them but you're not having his money. Fuck off Ramay.

Stee's in the corner going, boom, boom. Can you stop that as well? No, where's he got that large horse from? Never mind that. Is this a podcast section? Yeah. I think we've all learned a lot though. wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.

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Oh my God, join one of the nearly 28,000 lids. Join the lid army. Join one of the nearly 28,000. You pick one and become his friend. We give a free friend away. We're going to India. That's going to be the biggest thing we've ever done probably.

The roast is about to come out. The roast, the second roast, the first one is one of the most popular specials we've ever done. It is the best value patron in the game for a reason. And I know I plugged this right at the start of the episode, but my stand-up special, my brand new stand-up special is out right now it is free it is on the have a word YouTube channel YouTube.com slash have a word pod it is ah to do six

million views in those first two days mate, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. to be six million views in. It looks beautiful. I can't, I'm very excited. It looks stunning. We've got some... Where is it?

Tom says, lads, if you had to have a have a word mascot, not like Wallace or Peter, but more like Gunnosaurus, what would the mascot be? So if we had like a fun day, and you know, have a word fun day. I feel like Carl's got an answer. No, cause when you said Peter, I went to Peter, our handyman. Can you bring the van to the fun day?

If you're a new listener, by the way, you might not even know who Peter is. Peter was the have a word snake who used to help us with the adverts. It was just a snake that we bought from IKEA. It got put down. What happened to it? Bit of kids. Put it down. Why did we get bored. What happened to him? Bit of kid. Put him down.

Over there. Why do we get bored of that? We just got bored of it naturally. Carl just didn't want to be in the advert anymore because he had to sit under the desk for an hour. It is that. No, I just, you know, he don't want to ruin a joke. He might be back. Yeah, it's true.

You need him one more. Everything sort of runs its own little course. You need him one more. He's still in there. He's still biting kids. Don't worry. Don't worry. I'm throwing out there

if we've got another to do can we throw uh Peter the snake back in today? Maybe yeah maybe it's time to return maybe. Uh can you have a orange couch suit? Can you have just a couch with legs? West Braun famously had a boiler as a mascot. But what's a boiler man. So you can have any of the rage. Hang on. Why? I think they were sponsored by... Boilers? By Boilers. By big boiler. Going straight for the money.

I think to be true to form with the amount of times it gets referenced on this podcast, it would have to be two towers with smoke coming out of them. Oh, so it's two mascots? Yeah. And they just keep falling over? No. Like they're just smoking. Yeah, we don't actually say what it is. The mascots doing minute silences is such a great niche.

Yeah. Have you seen it? No. Look at that. Harry the hammer. It's a whole Twitter a whole Twitter page mascot silence. And it's just all like the ridiculous mascots like this one did a minute silence. I don't even know what that is. That's Kingsley. That's part of this mascot. He ran for mayor of Glasgow.

Yeah. Jesus. Right. They're known for that rather than the football. Yeah. I don't know. What are we? What's infamous for us with like a character? I mean, Father O'Leary, just a big priest. Father O'Leary. It's just me turning up pretending to be pissed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is Father O'Leary pissed, is he? I think he's like, you know, he's got a drink in him.

Do you know what I mean? He's been drinking the wine, hasn't he? In my head, yeah. Oh, I've given him a different backstory. I've never had him as drunk. In my head he's reformed. Like he was a drunk and now he's turned to Jesus and now he's... Do you know them people...

What do you think happens when people get over alcoholism? They become Christians. Some people. AA is... Yeah but some people put drugs and go naked running off the M62. I feel like there's a famous comedian that's got in trouble that's done it. Yeah, this wasn't alcoholism though was it? Russell Brand.

Yeah, he wasn't addicted to alcohol, he was addicted to women against the will. Allegedly. Oh, I get them confused. Yeah. What? I get them confused. Sorry. My bar's getting confused.

Yeah, but AA is a bit Christian, innit? It's got like, it's Christian with a small say. Like you don't have to be religious, but there is a lot of, there's like a big religious connection in there. Is that? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Yeah. I've never heard of that. I think it little coins in that if you're like six hours sober. It's gonna be a quid. Don't buy a ale with that. Well done. We're costing us a lot of money in coins. The subs for AA's are, they're like, I've got me 18 hours.

They had to wake me up for it. Yeah, I think there is a lot of Christianity going on with that. I've never heard of that at all. Why is it released? Cause that's a bit hypocritical isn't it? Cause Christians fucking, they're drinking wine on a Sunday morning, mate. Yeah, they're blown off. Yeah. Don, mate. Yeah, they're blowed off. Yeah. Don't look at me, I haven't been to AA.

I have to look at you, we're podcasting together, be waiting for you to look at that wall. Dan. Is there a DA, and I don't mean Harvey Dent. Is the drugs anonymous? Yeah, narcotics anonymous. NA, it's called. Oh yeah, it's not there.

Gambler's anonymous. Just yeah, it's not there. Gambler's Anonymous? Just check, is the AA... What's the RAC then? What am I Googling? Could you just check if AA is affiliated to the church? Have I just totally made this up? It's not connected with any sect, social, religious or political organization or institution. Are you thinking of that up. Are you thinking a flea bag? You just say things sometimes and they've just got no ground in reality. I'm really sorry. I'm going to work on fact checking myself.

Anyway, back to your magical world of bullshit. So is it spiritual, not religious? Oh, right. Yeah, spiritual is in spirits, mate. Like fucking vodka and whiskey in there. And they're all blotted. It goes to being spiritual. Give've got to be in spiritual. Give me your six hour coin back.

Are you going to have a pint in India? Now again, I need to be fact checked on this. Is there any dry states in India? No. No? No. It was just on certain days of the year. It's one of the days where I was like.

Like the big Moo festival and. The big poo festival? The big move festival. The big, you know, calmageddon. What do they call it? The O'Delly. Are we going to join the big poo festival? We're going there, like... We're going to have a big poo festival, mate. Definitely not letting anyone touch me.

There is a big poo festival. Go on. They chuck shit at each other. Where? Like, dried shit. Where? Is that in India? Oh, I hope so, because it feels like something that has an undercurrent

of racism. You probably want to get the facts right. Yeah. Yeah. Poop festival in India. Oh right. Well, you're absolutely right. It's already it must be real. Go go Habba. Go Habba is a is a festival ritual India of splashing cow dung on each other. That's a Brumyhabba fan. Oh that makes sense because they love cows over there don't they so they're like even their shite's good. Have a bit of that. Gohabba. Oh that wasn't blimmy.

That's the Brumyhabba fan. Gohabba. So I think it's like the second Tuesday in May or something. They're like, right, let's not have any ale today because we've all got to drive in the morning or something. Next day is the Indian Grand Prix. Gore Abba's coming. Are we agreed? No more drinking on Gore Abba.

Cause you're pissed, you get too much shit, throw it in someone's eye. Not good. Yeah, we're not there during them days. So if you want a bevy, I'm not sure it's going to be a good Guinness. Do you know if you get dog, I don't think it's going to be a good Guinness. Still try and find it. It can't be worse than the one we had in.

Lorette de Mar. Lorette de Mar, that was fucking horrific. With the best Guinness in Lorette de Mar sign outside, it was literally bubbling, a little like pond water. Just before my brain forgets about this, you know where you just said about throwing cow shit in someone's eye. I mean, it's not a screen. You go by because dog poo you can.

It's not a myth, though. Well, because if I throw poo in most people's eyes, they might go blind. Why? I've always said I don't get dog poo. You go instantly blind. Is that real? Was it like us on the streets? No, you can go blind if you get dog shit, you know. Especially children. You go. That's what they say to kids to go blind if you get dog shit, you know? Especially children.

You can go blind. That's what they say to kids to stop them from running with dog shit in their eye though, isn't it? But like if that, if that's true, which I believe it is, why can you be thrown? Yeah, yeah, look. Yes, dog poo can cause blindness in humans through a parasitic infection called Toxocaris cariasis.

So there you go. How do they know that this fucking cow shit festival is not going to do that? How do they know this is 100% cow shit? It's not a cow that's got like a bit of a dog in it. What? I think you can Google it. Yeah. Yeah.

You can get blindness. Don't throw cow dogs. I think it's cause it's dried. They let it dry first. Is this why there's so many blind Indians? It'll take you like, oh, to much time. Yeah. And of course you fact check that. I think you'd rather get more blind Indians than blind British people. I know but that's just a numbers game in it. Yeah, it doesn't matter. I mean

it is. Every time you bring up a statistic, that's a numbers game. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it is. There's numerically more. Oh yeah, that's just a numbers game. We can all count. Per capita though? What? Do you reckon per capita? What's the blindest country in the world? Pffft.

I'm going to go with... I'll go with China. Go with Gambia. I'm going to numbers game. Ah, this guy's just going... India? By population? It's because they're throwing cow shit in each other's eyes mate. China and India. 275 million people.

Sorry what? Are blind or visually impaired? Oh hang on. Dan's visually impaired. Visually impaired, and we're not counting that are we? We're talking like, Steve and Dan are visually impaired, aren't they? No, this isn't you need glasses, this is like you like Josh Pugh.

Yeah, together China and India count 45% of all cases of blindness and moderate severe visual impairment. By the way, if you don't know that Josh Pugh is like registered blind, that it does sound like a dig, doesn't it? No, this isn't just Josh Pugh. That comedian you follow on Insta.

Josh Poo. And Russia's got the least amount of lying people. Do you know why? Throwing cow shit, illegal. I think that's giving us the reason. Do you know why? Right, well I'm not going. It's just dangerous.

No, we're not going to join Goraba. Yeah, I know, but once you get the Goraba feels, you can just keep it going for the rest of the year, isn't it? It's like people who can't take the Christmas tree down. My uncle I've got, it didn't last a month. In the Vals on Gulljohn, got Garaba feels. Oh God, is your name?

Ed. How do we get from there to mascots? Garaba, that's our mascot? Yeah, our mascot is... Was it AA Father O'Leary? It's Father O'Leary. Well done, boys. Because he's a drinker.

Oh, Dry State. Are you going to have a pint in India? Absolutely. Are you? I mean, yeah. A few booners. Wagon and rascal, mate. Rogan Josh. Apparently they don. It'll Rogan Josh. Apparently they don't do like Rogan Joshes and stuff like that. That's what I got told.

Can we stop having the same conversation? Every fucking episode, it's always a curry house. Everywhere. Just asking. So McDonald's, they just do like curry and fries. KFC, just curry. Even the curry houses don't do Rogan Josh's or Vindaloo's and madrasa and that. It's just like we do a curry and you can have it like mild, medium or spicy.

All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kattalapalmas. Can I? Or... Oh, were you pressing the button? I can't hear you. You didn't say you were having a drink in India though? Yeah, I did. Oh yeah? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to do all that cycling as well, so I'm not going to let the drinking get in the way.

As I'm saying that, that doesn't sound right. Probably just get shitfaced. Tom says, this is a serious one. Before the last day, we should get absolutely blathered. Yeah. Like, an ultimate night we should get absolutely blathered. Yeah. Just get absolutely bingoed. What's the question?

I've got a lint roller on your table. They can't see it, so it's unimportant. But I've got a lint roller. Why is your cock old? I've rolled for lint. Sorry, everyone. This is a serious one. Question is from Tom.

Question mixed with a pet peeve for you lids. My pet peeve is that Lorraine Kelly has a show called Lorraine when she only hosts it like once every six months. She needs the sack. My question is, if she did get the sack, who's the best replacement host for the show? Well, she's the only Lorraine I think of

and I think of Lorraine. Yeah, the other hosts aren't, they're not just finding women called Lorraine and going. Oh, they absolutely should do though, shouldn't they? No, but like, Lorraine and going, oh, they absolutely should do those, shouldn't they? No, but like, Lorraine. It's just the name of the show though, isn't it? Like no one's going, oh, you can't call it this morning. Like when Holly's not there or whatever, or when Phil's off.

I know, but- Oh, hang on, sorry. She doesn't always host it. No, she's barely there. What the fuck? No, I'm sorry. She's like missed more episodes this year than she's been in. Tax evading. But like, what is it? She's like missed more episodes this year than she's been in. Is it? Like Lorraine still sounds like a TV show. You can't just call it fucking Allen. Can you? If Allen hosts it, you can. No, it's like, it just doesn't sound like a TV show. Does it?

Oh, welcome to Allen. Like that just sounds stupid. Chatty man. Yeah, but that's I went, I went to tipmarsh. Yeah, I was like, titchmarsh has hosted it. It's still called the brain. Has he? Yeah. If Alan Hutton got his own TV show called Alan, that would be a surprise, wouldn't it? Trisha.

Yeah, but there you go. That like works, doesn't it? There's certain names that don't work for this. John, my favorite name in the world. John. Joel Domitz hosted a few times. Joel isn't the name of the TV show. No, it has to be two syllables, doesn't it? Trisha, la, re.

Yeah, just one. Welcome to John. Yeah, but also, so one of the other regular stand-ins, my mum watched it, so I've seen it. You're right, actually. Kilroy. Kilroy. Yeah, it works, but that's also a surname. Sorry, it's... Christine Bleakley is one of the common ones that comes in for it. Christine would work.

Two syllables. I don't think Christine would. Christine. That's like a sort of... Borderline. I didn't think it was going to work until I said Christine out loud and then I was like oh no that's a TV show. Like Michael wouldn't work.

Am I being mental? I cannot think of another Lorraine in the world. Lorraine Baines is mum in Back to the Future. Quiche. Oh yeah. There isn't a... Oh! Lorraine in Spain, Paul's mainly on the plane.

Quiche. Lorraine Bracco. Oh, Brachas. No one knows her as a lady, it's Brachas, isn't it? Yeah, Brachas. BA. Brachas. Lorraine Bracco, who's in The Sopranos.

She's the, and Goodfellas. She's the- Don't spoil The Sopranos for me, by the way. She's the shrink. Oh yeah. She the wife in Goodfellas. Yeah. What wife?

Henry Hills. Oh, she's fucking great. I think you should give it Lorraine Bracco. She's showing Sopranos' tenapist. In The Sopranos, good actor. Start at that, by the way. Any it Lorraine Bracow. She's shown in Sprachos, Tenepost. In the Sprachos. Good actor. Here we go, other famous Lorraines. Get ready for the Lorraine countdown. Lorraine Ashbourne.

It's Lorraine and Lorraines in here. Lorraine Fletcher and this is Paul Merson's ex-wife. You're going to jail. Named and shamed. You're going to jail. What are we doing? We're doing Lorraines. Paul Merson impression. You got in jail? Named and shamed. You got in jail? What are we doing? I don't know. We're doing Lorraine's.

Paul Merson impression. Next question. By the way, Harry, I knew that would be as mental as it was. And you put it in there because you knew it would be mental, but it wasn't even like good mental, it was just weird. Someone said that in months ago and it's just been sad. Paul Merson got involved. Kieran says, yes, the boy, Alan Hutton

was the most random reference. He's gone to jail. I sometimes think about Jilly Bean in Texas as she has to Google Alan Hutton from her house in Houston. He's gone to prison, sorry. He's gone to prison. Named and chimed. I don't know what this is called.

Paul Mason. Can you not tell of him? It's a perfect impression of Paul Mason. This might be the worst three minutes we've ever done. Gone to prison. Sounds like a Rummy Abba fan. It's a perfect impression of Paul Merson. This might be the worst three minutes we've ever done. Gamp isn't. Sounds like a Brummie Aber fan. Kieran says, Yes, the boys been watching loads of zombie films recently.

If you had to pick three random celebrities to be a part of your zombie apocalypse survival team, who are you picking? Gary Barlow's son. That's got to be number one. What? Gary Barlow's son has to be number one well he's the first you don't even need three you just need Gary Barlow son what you talking about?

Yeah girls I know yeah because it's the breakdown of society and he can make like a fire out of his fart Have you not seen Gary Barlow's son? He's like 6'11". Are we sponsored by Gary Barlow's son? I hope so. Are we supposed to call him biggest news after the US election. It's not. It's the top. It's the top search when you search for Gary Barlow. He's the biggest boy in the world. He is a big boy. Get the picture up. That's the picture. He'd feel like a borrower's... Oh my God! I take it back! It's so unnecessary!

Why is he that tall? He's a large human! I'm talking about Garibarlo just for scale. I think six! His son's 11 foot tall! Oh, for the audio listeners now. Garibalo's a fucking dwarf! So why has he got a giant as a son?

Why has he got a giant as a son then? It makes no sense. So I'm as tall as his son. He's the biggest man in the world. You need them when you bang everyone. He's only 14 by the way. His daughter's six. I'm going with four Gary Barlow's, three Gary Barlow's and his son. Just the Barlow's? This is my idea. Really good day out. But he's choking a zombie. Hold in his son's hand. I'm going Bear Grylls. I think it's a really good choice. The Ghost of Bruce Lee. What?

The Ghost of Bruce Lee. Why? To scare everyone. Scare the zombies? Yeah. Race the zombies. No, you'd be scared of a ghost of Bruce Lee, wouldn't you? Yeah.

I think zombies are more just like about eating brains. I don't know. Yeah, he hasn't got any because he's a ghost. Nice. He's a ghost of Bruce Lee wouldn't you? Yeah I think zombies are more just like about eating brains. Yeah, he hasn't got any because he's a ghost. Nice. He's a ghost. Nice and two more? No, one more. Three. It's three people. Take someone who's got a subscription to like a streaming platform on the phone so I can watch a match. You? Yeah, I'll be honest.

This is a zombie apocalypse ball, you know. They're still doing fucking jog streams for the Premier League. That's the main thing. I'm going with Jed with and Louis Walsh. Nice. Find out what really happened. No.

Just let them get eaten. You're dead. And then you're happy enough. Oh, you're using all three of them as a human shield. Yeah. Nice. I think they have a big party at some points as well. You get to watch it. I don't know. Some big years. Yeah. I feel like the ace asexual would you watch it? As I watch what? If Jedward and Louis Walsh went for it. Yeah. Are you still watching X-Factor? If I said to you right now,

I've got a video on my phone of a gang banging over Jedward and Louis Walsh, you're telling me you'd say, don't show me that? I'd watch it, but I wouldn't finish it. Why? I don't know. I think you get a sense of it in the first 20 seconds.

I'd watch it every second of it. Would you watch Louis Walsh? Come on, Jedwin's face. Oh, God. Let's do some advice. Oh, my God. I'm here to help, I solve your problems I'll tell you the best thing to do If you want to do it, you'll be fine

If you won't, you can do time And the Adam No. Has Louis Walsh ever come out? No. Has he not? No. I knew there was that thing of him growing up in Mel B wasn't there? Oh check his Wikipedia. What? I said he was a bus driver. Don't know if they've changed it. How long ago was this?

A couple of weeks ago. Just have a check while we go. Come on. Let's just check this. Louis Walsh, Wikipedia. Occupations. No. Fucking changed it. We've got some advice to give out. Kieran says, now then lads, I've been seeing this lady for a couple of months

and I'm really into her. She's gorgeous and I feel like it's got proper potential. Here's the thing. She's just won a helicopter experience and has asked me to go with her. That's a gay orgy, innit? She's just won a helicopter experience and has asked me to go with her. That's a gay or Gina. She just won a helicopter experience with Louis Walsh and Jedwood. She's just won, she's just won a helicopter experience and has asked me to go with her. But I have a fear of heights that I haven't talked to her about. I can handle planes because you can't see much,

but a helicopter is going to freak me out. You'll have to fly it. She's dead adventurous and her and her paragliding nonce of an ex-boyfriend did all sorts of stuff like this and I don't want to give her the ick because I can't fly in a helicopter. Help me out here lads. No, I've got the ick why you can't fly a helicopter. That would give her the ick though. You wouldn't get in a helicopter? No, helicopters are not normal. So you sympathize?

Yeah. What if Sereka won her helicopter experience? I'm like have a blast babe, I'll watch from the floor. helicopter? No, helicopters are not normal. So you sympathize? Yeah. What a Sereco, one of our helicopter experiences. I'm like, have a blast, babe, I'll watch from the floor. And what if she was like, you give me the equipment, I'll get a maddie down, unless you get in this helicopter. Like, go on then, fuck off with your helicopter then. That'd be a brilliant way to end an engagement, wouldn't it?

Just leaving you at the helipad. Where's the helicopter? Hot air balloon? What are you doing? What are you doing? No, what? What? So I get the heights thing to a point, but much rather getting a hot air balloon than a helicopter. No, you are not a psychopath. No, you would. What? What are you talking about? There's a man flying the helicopter. There's a man flying the hot air balloon. The hot air balloon goes up and the wind takes you away

every once. There's a man doing it. There's a man doing it who has experience as a helicopter pilot. No, you are. When was the last time you heard of a hot air balloon crash? You don't, because everyone dies and they can't tell you. And that's how death works.

No, you are at the behest, the behoust, whatever it is. The behoust. There's a moose in the hoose! Of the elements? Of the wind? If a storm starts? You're absolutely right. I should have prefaced it by going, I don't mind hot air balloons on a calm, no breeze day.

Hot, honestly, I'd rather you shot me in the back of the head. I couldn't think of anything scarier. I'd rather get in the sea. Right. Where's the league table on that? Shot in the back of the head, sea, hot air balloon. I'd rather jump off a boat into Drake's passage in the sea. Drake's house. Than get in a hot air balloon.

I'm so happy. It's fucking stupid. Anyone who gets in a hot air balloon is stupid. Yeah, but a lot of them just have a nice day where they float around. How do they even, like, what do they do once you land, wherever you land, where the winds suck you? How much is you want to climb out of it as well? Oh, you see, I know what the intrusive thought of like,

how bad would it be if I, yeah. I can trust myself not to do that though, I hope. You know how bad it is as well, you have to stay there with the fellow and pack it away as well. 70 people have died. Since 1964? Yeah yeah that's what big hot air balloon says big balloon it's all about dying as well it's not just being in the air why you can't control it as well though no you can't direct it though the fella that fixed our shower that comes around he came over in a hot air balloon. So there's a fella,

lovely man, fixed our shower about 10 years ago, but he still comes around for like a coffee and he used to do. What is your silly life Harry? By the just every week you've been here long enough now where you're like, I just have another mental story. He's like a family friend now, but he was employed to fix our shower. We took him like three years. So he's objectively terrible at his job, but he was, he was, he prolonged the job so much that he was like, he's part of the family now. He kept on coming round and telling us stories and having biscuits and that.

I think he was, and he... Hello, love, here to fix the shower, you know, so I've looked at that. Yeah, no, that's a bastard of a job, that's going to be about three years now. Harry, the shower's pissing water again. But you know what? It was worth it for the memories. He had a, he used to do competitive hot air balloon flying and it was a dream. You would like travel a distance or whatever and there'd be a little

target on the floor and you'd have to land into the bullseye. But then it'd be like next to a boat away. And. And they often get it wrong and end up in a different county. No, we're not gonna die. Like how many, again, how many hot air balloons? If it was easy, it wouldn't be competitive. There isn't competitive plane landing, is there? Cause the piece appears.

Yeah, but it's not impossible. There definitely will be competitive, like plane flying. No, but I'm saying they always land where they wanna land on the on the runway. Hot air balloons never land where they wanna land. That one in Sully didn't. He put it into the fucking Hudson River what but what happens in a hot air balloon right you know when it lands fucking 500 miles away from where they were open it won't they get no points what no points but then how do you get home how

do you get home just go back up and open the wind thing the right way helicopters are more dangerous like sorry how air balloons have more admin. You're just going to get... I love the idea as well, that the van that's meant to pick you up just stays there. Right, have you landed? Yeah, you've landed. Where are you? 500 miles away. Right, so you're in Scotland. Do you know what? We should have left Warwickshire a while ago. That's becoming obvious.

You can't come home unless the wind blows, you know what I mean? Oh, we've left home. What happens? So does a van follow the hot air balloon? The van follows you, yeah. Oh. Well, that's not as bad as I thought then. I honestly thought we're not air balloons. It was just, let's just hope we get blown back.

Where are we going? I've always wondered about this. Is it illegal to put a hot air balloon up in like a gale? I know it's obviously ill-advised, but is there like hot air balloon laws? Because what if there's like, what if there's like danger ballooners who are like, on a nice calm day like this,

it's for pussies. I go out in like January. Storm chasers. Yeah. There's gotta be air laws, yeah. Cause if you like float into an airport. Have you seen the one in Arizona? Air laws.

They have like 500 of them. And they all go up at the same time. What's wrong with air laws? I don't know of them, and they all go for the same time. What's wrong with air laws? I don't know, but it sounded right and wrong at the same time. No, there's gotta be air laws. I know you're off the ground, but you still need laws. Can't I just jump and shoot someone? Loophole.

I was in the air, it's a good thing, air laws as well. Off ground, sick. I wonder what, this is a screech. But I wonder what happens if you jump up and then shoot a gun? Do you go further back? Do you go further back because you're not attached to the... Not attached, but... The recoil is set to fire. It depends on the gun, I suppose. In my head.

You just float off into the sky. What did we have for lunch? I feel mental. I had a Derek's. What did you have? I don't know. Are you hungry now? No, I just feel like this has been a particularly silly...

What did you have for lunch? K.O. Grill. Did you? So you've not got much room for food then? Oh God. That's a shame, isn't it? Is it time for Dan vs Food? Well, because we knew you were going for lunch.

You thought you'd top me up? Nope. Got you some drinks. Dan vs. Drinks? Hit the jingle. Dan vs. Drinks. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Dan vs food. This is Dan Nightingale. He's a 43 year old father of two and he's scared of dinner and we make him try food

every week, but he's had some food today. So we're going to make him try something else he doesn't normally have and that's hot drinks. And we've got a lovely selection for you. You're going to do them one by one. Okay. What's your, what's your hot drink then? How often are you drinking something hot? I'll have an espresso if I don't and I don't like the taste at all but the only version of coffee I really like is remember matchsticks that you used to get at Christmas, coffee matchsticks.

I will have an espresso in place of what I'd like to do, which is cocaine. So that, and then sometimes if I'm feeling like I don't mind a little bit of my lactose intolerance, I'll have a cappuccino, treat myself. That is quite nice. Well why don't you try a lovely little cup of tea? Oh, classic British staple. Tea too? Tea? Is there any sugar in it? No.

No? Oh, is there one sugar? Thank you, Julia, mate. Thank you. Hey, cheers. Lovely having a brew with you guys. Tea with me. Oh, fucking hell. It's just not very enjoyable, that, is it? What's nice?

I drink five of them a day. We can go back for more. He's not hated that. That's not disgusting, but it's not like... Well, let's crack on the nice. That's not bad. Is that an enjoyable taste, that? I only drink it socially, like in someone's house.

Is this lacto-free milk? This is not lacto-free milk. This is like when a prostitute gives you a blowjob. It's Horlicks. Ooh. This is like when a prostitute gives you a blowjob. It's Horlicks. Ooh. Oh, that smells unusual, doesn't it? Like a prostitute.

Oh. Tell me what Horlicks is. I genuinely don't know. You know the inside of Maltesers? Yeah. The malt. Yeah. It's like that's that's that malt drink. Just malt.

That was you being scared, wasn't it? The face, because it wasn't that bad, was it? That'll put you to sleep. It's a proper. I prefer it. I tell you what, I prefer a choco mal. Hot chocolate. Now, I really enjoy bonfire night, but I loved it more because I had 19 choco mal's

pooed my pants near a firework display. It's just unusual. I'll take it over a cup of tea though. Would ya? My mum used to drink that every night. I think that's why I like it. She'd have that to put her to sleep, she'd have a sleeping tablet to put her to sleep and then she'd fight both of them and stay up and drink and she went mental. Oh, you couldn't pay me to drink that. Camomile tea. This is from the milk of camels. Big gulp, then.

What? Big gulp. What it is, I don't even know what it is. They make a camel walk a mile, they milk it. That's the thing. Nice. Oh, it tastes like I've eaten potpourri. It's horrible, isn't it? It's fucking horrible, isn't it? It tastes like I've eaten potpourri. Horrible, isn't it? It's fucking horrible, isn't it? It smells like the stuff that my nana had in little pouches to make things smell nice. Yeah, it smells like my nana's lube.

Thanks for making me remember. Drink me. No, when I'm talking about my god damn angel of a nana. She was a fucking saint. Caramel tea, don't. Peppermint tea for your friend. This is good for you if you're having a bad period, this. Yeah. Bad belly.

Right. Okay, good. I think I'm having peri-menopause oh it's like the shittest chewing gum you've ever had in your life because you can't chew it oh it's like Wrigley's from fucking a bin. No, this is the headline. That's made. Is it? Bovril. Now you know in the winter at the match, you don't have one. I do. I had a bottle last night. You don't have a bottle on the cop last night. My mate's dad used to, my mate's dad used to drink this when we used to go and watch Southport play at home in the conference.

Go on, dad. Oh my God, it's a Twiglet drink. Is this a Twiglet drink? No, it's bavul. It smells like Twiglets. It doesn't smell like Twiglets. It fucking smells like Twiglets, mate. It's basically gravy.

It's unbelievable. It's gravy. Oh, God. Oh, that doesn't taste like Twiglets, that. Have a bit more. Oh, thanks. Finish it. Down it. Oh, it doesn't mind it.

So, it... It's a Marmite drink, isn't it? No, no, it's gravy. It's beef. You're drinking gravy, Dan. Unless I'm going mental and my taste buds are letting me down, that tastes a bit like Marmite. It's gravy. It's the beef drink.

That's what they, it's on the bottle. Is that what gravy tastes like? Yeah. I need to try some gravy. Don't even start now. Jesus Christ. Why did you guys tell me? It has got something that's similar to Marmite. Thank you. Yeast extract. Oatmeal is made from beef broth, yeast extract, salt and other enhancements. Yeast extract. Adam's forgotten how to say it. It's got yeast as has in it. Bovver is made of shazakha and nahadakha daada.

Right Dan, can you rank them all on your scale and the regular person? He's gonna try Grave, you know. We've changed his life, you know. Very confused. Let's go again. Peppermint tea. Mmm.

Out of 10? One out of 10. What?ermint tea. Mmm. Out of ten. One out of ten. What? Chamomile. Drink me. Zero out of ten, but I miss my nanna. What's this? Shite? Horlicks.

Piss. Two out of ten. Piss! What's going on? Cup of tea. Cup of tea, here we go. One. That's potentially the best one because you've got one sugar in it. Cheers, Juliet. And I tell you what, out of 10, then out of 10, three, two, two

or three. That's worse. Now I know what it is. I'm not even messing. Now I know it's like, you know, beef jizz. Say your favorite one though? I'd dry that and throw it at someone in India. Don't do that. We get kicked out. Oh, my stomach. And that was done versus food. Drink. Down it.

Minus four. Down one of them. No, down the beef. Go on. I'd rather down the beef. Have that beef go right down your throat and tickle your tonsils. Bro, you're going to make me go... Oh my God!

Go! Oh, you're evil, you! Oh, my mouth. Oh, you're going to throw loads of gravy up out your mouth? Oh, the guests here. Ha ha. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Staying on top of Canadian news does not have to be boring. Canada Land is a podcast that brings you the news differently.

Our reporters break original news stories that you won't hear anywhere else, and our hosts and guests have funny and smart conversations about what is happening in Canadian politics and media. We're living through an era of heightened anxiety and fear. This prime minister is not worth the cost, crime and corruption. I am not a KGB agent. Listen to Canada Land wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.

And we are here ladies and gentlemen, Richie! Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. No, thank you very much for making... No, thank you. Thank you. Yeah, actually. Thank me. No worries, guys.

You know, actually, genuinely, whenever a guest comes up, especially, and then fucks off immediately, that is a sort of more of a... Yeah. It means you're not just jammed it on a weekend of like gigs. There's no weekends of gigs happening here. I can't be fucked with any of that. I'm not going to go on tour for ages. This is the, it was just either come up today or never come up.

I don't hang about. I want to get home as quickly as possible from anything. That's not what's lagging you off. Oh yeah. That's not how I intro the podcast. Guys, can we wrap this up? Just everything. That's not what's lagging you off. Oh, that's not the whole intro the podcast Guys, can we wrap this up? Just everything it's like yeah. All right, you know Most things are crap. Yeah, most things are rubbish one hour to the party is enough

Yeah, most things are doing most conversations aren't worth having subscribe to the patreon I fully agree most conversations aren't worth having. Subscribe to the Patreon. I fully agree most conversations aren't worth having. Like whenever like someone starts talking to me right and I know they're only talking because they think they should. I think I should be allowed to go hey you don't have to do this you know. Like a taxi driver who's just saying the same thing he said to the last person. I'm just like not on a first date. Why don't we just blow on it? Yeah, but even then- No, but you should. You know what?

If there's no chemistry. No, you just talk it because you think you should. Why are you going through all of that whole process? Just go, let's cut this off. Me and him sit in silence in the car. And that's best friendship. Yeah, that's a simple pleasure.

And they also sing along to music so much that they miss two junctions on the M6. Right. Just silence. We had nothing to talk. We had nothing Stoke twice. Both times coming back from Scotland as well. Just sitting in silence.

What were you singing along to? Taylor Swift once. I think the second one was Jerry Cinnamon. When we were banging into Jerry Cinnamon. Jerry Cinnamon? Yeah. We had a good nine months where we were like his biggest fans. And then... I know. Real Radio X listenership going on here. nine months where we were like his biggest fans and then a real radio X

listenership going on here. Don't we've got a lot of Glasgow regions that are into this don't come for Jerry. Yeah I got I got I slagged him off the night not that long ago. He's the greatest musical talent of his generation. He's the greatest musical talent of his generation. Over any country artists that you love. Oh in his generation from Scotland. What he means mean? Is his age Scottish Scottish Scottish 30 something year old buskers. Yeah. He's probably the best of them. Wow. You've doubled down on this. Wow. You've really taken the heat off me. I appreciate that. That was about to come out. I'm completely neutral. I want everyone to be a winner. You just saved the Glasgow karaoke

for us. Well done. And now a party isn't enough by the way. Sorry. I would have you add that and I'll add most parties is enough. Well, it depends on your arrival time. First hour is obviously dog. I will never. I'll always be late. Yeah. Yeah. You've got an hour sort of in the middle, bang, in, out, done, show your face. You know, that episode of the Simpsons where Appu can only leave the quickie mark for like five minutes and he fits in the whole party really quickly. And he dances with someone, he sleeps with someone in the toilet and he eats a hot dog and then he goes back. That's how it all should be done. Can I just say, you have honestly, please sensei, cause

not only does he agree with everything you just said, he used quite a niche reference of the Simpsons and nailed it. You guys should hang out or not because you don't want to do anything. No, one hour. Let's go on some long drives. No, we'll have an hour drink and then you can fuck off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect. I do think people who turn up for that like hour in the middle are seen as the cool people

And what you're doing is you get the whole praise when you arrive like oh my god You're finally here and then you get the whole oh don't go but then you still get to go Yeah, well, I know but I don't think you do get that second bit because people like us sneak out french exit There is no goodbyes going on ever. I've just gone puff of smoke Why is it a french accent? What did you call it? It's called an Irish exit or a French exit, isn't it? Irish goodbye on a French exit. Oh yeah, that's it. I don't know. Why is it called a French exit? Because they're rude. Because they're a rude people. So we. Irish people, isn't it because they're saying goodbye

to everybody? Because it's a huge family. I'm guessing that's what they have to say. Ed Bane had a really good bit about it in his show about his brother, about the concept of the Irish goodbye. He's always like hated it as a concept. He's like, Irish people say goodbye to everybody. It's because at our events, there is literally a hundred of people to say bye to. So you say bye to the people you care about, three or four, and then go. Yeah, but I could argue that the people you care about, they're going to see you tomorrow or the day after. That's true. They're the people that need the goodbye least. No, because

if they say they love you, oh yeah. So I'd be like, where's Dan? I know. But if you just, if you just literally, if you're on a drive through on the way home and you got a I've fucked off, then we know that. But I think the people who love you are the people that are most likely to be like, yeah, we love him, he got off. What if you got shot as you left? Yeah, that would be upsetting. And then everyone's like, you didn't even say goodbye.

That would be upsetting. And really it'd be the manners that was the problem. Yeah. You know what, I know it got shot in the head, but that's what I do. If you'd be angry at the goodbye. Fucking rude. I don't want to miss you if you get shot.

Yeah, it's how you've got to think about life, isn't it? That is how, yeah, exactly. So that's why I'm in and out basically today. Just in case I get shot on my way home. Also, and you missed the last hour of the party, which is ropey, and the last hour where someone who's going through a divorce is getting fucking, like, squirrely.

Parties you can put too? I think we go to vastly different parties. Dirty ones. What kind of, what are you talking about? A dinner party? I'm talking about a house party where everyone gets on it. No, no, no, you're not doing a French accent, a house party.

While everyone's coked off the tits. You want to say bye to anybody at a house party? No one can say goodbye coked up. See you later. The French call it leaving the English way. No way. Yeah. Oh, it's just nice European racism.

It's all perspective. The Norwegians are like, oh Swedish goodbye. Yeah. Oh, it's just nice European races Like us we just goodbye Pick an enemy and call them rude constant I Love parties and social gatherings. I don't really get a little cutie on you I am a little so do I for the last hour? Come on? We know what no, but you Adam you don't need to put yourself out There and say I'm just gonna say I love parties we're wrong Me and Carla in the minority most people agree with you

Do you guys why that's why we're having to defend it so much you holding your hand up going listen might just be me I like fun People being like I don't okay. I ain't saying hello to people Only cool people being like, I don't, okay. I hate saying hello to people because it's always like, Oh, are you doing well? I know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hate that. Yeah. I hate that comp.

Oh, you've been up to, buddy. I've seen you. Fuck off. I'm sorry. So what do you want? What do you want to get into the... Honestly, I'm in the pub or the booze in the particle. I don't know. I do right. And then sit down and don't speak to him.

Oh, right. So it's not that you want to have like a better, deeper conversation. You want to have absolute silence. What the hell are you doing? Well, you fuck off. Once every like two or three years, me or Carl talks about our feeling one of us is having and then we just shut it down for another two or three years. It's always in the car as well.

We had a little one in Jumplin. We were walking. You're telling me like stuff about, remember? And I was like, oh yeah. I'll pick up. Deep Hata. I'll break it down into two parts. We were walking, you're telling me like stuff about, you remember? And I was like, oh yeah. I'll pick up.

That's what, yeah. Deep Pata. Yeah, I can see why he- I'm breaking down here, man. Oh yeah. Matt, eat your fucking sandwich. I can see why he waits three years to come to you for more advice when it's-

Yeah. He doesn't need advice, he doesn't want advice, he just wants me to go, yeah, nice one, sound, I get it. Nice one. I can't wait for your wedding just to watch you have to put up with the same conversation 300 times. That is our invite. I said on my own, in my head.

I don't want to. I mean, I said it. And then she wouldn't let me put it on the invite. I don't want to say hello to anybody at the wedding. I mean, there's some days where you're going to have to play ball. What I mean is if he walks in the room, I'm like, hello mate. You don't have to catch up with anyone.

I'm like, hello Jack. So if you walk in and go hello mate. On your own wedding day. I want everyone to be like, yeah, we're part of your life. I don't need to catch up. You didn't mean it. Yeah, I don't think you're expected to catch up with anyone on your wedding day. More than you would ever ever ever ever.

Carl, I think a lot of people would be like, all right, what are you up to? I think that's... I haven't seen you since you were this big. I mean, I haven't had a wedding. Fuck that conversation. Last week. I haven't seen you since you were this big. Since August.

Since you were crouching before. No, no, I ate small talk. I despise it. I do hate conversations that just don't have to be had and people do talk for the sake of it. You alright? Reece, is that your little wallet thing that you've dropped on the floor? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, gutted.

Do you think you just found a wallet? I've lost... I thought I was going to be a billionaire! I've lost my little card over there and And I thought I found it on pod. Oh, sorry, mate. Gorted, there's a bubble, aren't there? I thought that was a test from a billionaire. I thought it was John Bishop from last week.

I was going sizzling. Gorted. Is that your wallet, Al? No! For fuck's sake. One day, it was full of millions. Oh, the celly house, we're still skidding. Okay.

Oh. Yeah, I ate small talk. Cell the house. Cell the dog. We're only gonna be able to eliminate if I found a wallet. Yeah, small talk unnecessarily a party is what's fucked me off. If it's all the people I love, I like being in that environment.

I just don't like people talking to me. You don't want to talk to you. What you need that feature that's on like Uber exec where you can say, don't chat to me. I spoke about this on here last week. I said that when I was in London as I wanted the car cool and no chance. And then I got in one in Liverpool and it was an old Scouse taxi driver and he was like, is this fucking you?

I know that's the problem. got in one in Liverpool and it was an old Scouse taxi driver and he was like, is this fucking you who's chosen this shit? Oh, fucking hell. I know that's the problem, because also quite often you press that and then they still chat. Yeah. And you want to sort of tap the sign. It says, shut the fuck up.

And Mother Simpson's quote. Don't make me tap the sign. I don't have any original thoughts. This is why I hate conversations. If someone in the room sees The Simpsons, I'm fucked, okay? My perception of London is that that'd be fine though. Like I get in Liverpool like, what the fuck? This is my cab.

But in London, like, they'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Generally, yeah. We can just shut it down. We don't need to do any human sort of contact. Yeah, but the alternative is often, if they not going to chat to you, then they will play LBC the loudest it's possible to play anything. And then you've got to listen to Nick Ferrari instead and say, Oh fine. I'll just chat to you about you. It's Nick Ferrari person. He sounds like pro evil Nigel Farage. I thought you were saying

Nigel Marge. Is that a real person? Nick Ferarri, yeah, political commentator and radio host. You know him. Look, this guy. You will have seen clips of him. He looks exactly like what you're picturing. Oh yeah, Ferrari. Nick Ferarri.

Just put a picture of him in. Like Paul Lint. Every time. Oh shit, the mascot, Paul Lint. Thank you. Brilliant. We've got to asked what mascot we should have. It should be Paul Lint's in a Doritos wolf shirt. There you go. Sorry. Nailed it. I still would say I have less information than 10 seconds ago.

If I gave it context, we'd look more stupid. The context I got was we were asked what mascot we should have. Paul Lint's in a Doritos. How am I better educated than I was before you just said Paul Lintz? If I explain it, it's going to make us look more sheep. Genuinely, I think we should just let it. Oh, I am.

Oh, God. I get what you mean about you weren't, though. Are you married? No. No. I do understand the not wanting to do the whole, like, mumbling, this is your old aunt Edna, and she wants to just give you the kiss and say hello.

I think I bought an aunt Edna like that, like an old aunt. And you just don't want them, do you? Like... No, I don't. He has got one. Like your nan's sister, is that like a great aunt? Yeah. Yeah, no, fuck that.

But that bitch's not coming. No, because she doesn't want to be there either. Yeah, she's a shit pint, Edna. No, because she doesn't want to be there either. Yeah, she's a shit pint, isn't she? Yeah. I will mind great. By the way, he's obsessed with the idea that people are coming to his wedding.

Just for food. Just for dinner. Where is it? Tuscany. Are you serious? Are you fucking serious? And great, and then there's like, Burkham, she won't fly. That's why it's in Tuscarilla.

Why did you make me say that? Because you're saying the phrase, oh, they're just coming for the free scram. Think about how that sounds to me. Free scram. I'm making a judgment about you when I hear that sentence immediately where that wedding is not located in Tuscarilla. Complaining they're coming, they're getting a flight. No, I cut these people out. Are you paying, you're not paying for people's flights presumably? No, I'm paying they're getting a flight. No, I cut these people out. You're not paying for people's flights presumably. No, I'm paying for everything else.

He's paying for the Shumai to be shipped over. But there's no one going, yeah, I fancy a free lunch. Let's get on British Airways.com. You never know with these people. These people, your nearest and dearest. Where's the wedding car, Tasmania? If you really love me, you'll make it. Yeah, but there's berries, hose on, so wear it up. That's why we did it.

Cause then it cut, it narrows down people who actually only want to be there. Let's be honest, it's cause Sarah, Sarah wanted it, that's why you're doing it. She the boss. But also, yeah, those sorts of days, that's like not that voluntary that day. So it's not, I don't think it's the same thing. But also, yeah, those those sorts of day that's like not that voluntary that day. So it's not I don't think it's the same thing

you like some days you just have to suck it up and have small talk and say, Oh, no, a lot of the time, but I'm not all the time like lad, will you just go away? Because I'm not rude. I will engage in it for hours if I need to. That's the other problem with this sort of as much as I sort of fantasize about the French exit or the English departure or whatever the fuck. It's so often like people like us who don't want to have those conversations

is because, or don't want to go to things or whatever because it's, it stresses you out. It's probably some sort of fucking anxiety. People please. Yeah. A little bit. And then so, but that also means that you don't leave. Yeah. So you're the ones who are there forever because you don't know how to say, all right, I'm going to call it a day or whatever. So you do end there to the end, basically hating it from second one going, fucking, I'm still talking to someone about this. Life's hard. It's terrible. I'm just very easily convinced to stay. Like, cause I love having a pint. If you say you're going home and someone goes, Oh, I'll have one more pint. That's it. All right. No, but

if you go on going home, I'll go, Oh, he wants to go home. Yeah. Like I think there's no convincing you then. No, you are, it depends why I'm going home. If I'm going home because I want to go home, then there's no convincing me. If I'm going home because I think I should go home. Oh, then yeah. And then someone goes, you should have one more pint. I go, I had thought so.

Great idea. Yeah. When was the last time you went to a house party? I haven't been to a house party in ages. 18. It's been so long. See, when you're... In my head, you say party, I'm thinking house party.

See, in my head, I'm pitching like being in the pub. I'm thinking of one of our events. Yeah, like the country days. Oh, okay. All right, all right. I've got friends who've got rules that are like, my mate Adam has a rule, which is just never sit down. Never sit down at anything. That's the opposite to me. But that's when you're stuck. If you go to the pub and there's like, let's say someone's having a birthday in a bit of the pub and there's 30, 40 people there.

Once you sit down, you're conversationally fucked. Yeah. You can't stand the mercy of whoever's next to you and you can't then be like, I'm just gonna... Oh yeah, because if you shut up... You have to, you're absolutely stuck with whoever the pricks are. He's a smart guy. He never sits down. Oh, I only actually chose to sit down because you weren't here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, it is rude to be like, no. There is people that like are in our, like connected to our outer circle

where I would do that and just be like, I can't be arsed with you. I know exactly. I respect that. I wish I was that. Fuck. I got like stopped on the street before by someone I used to work with. One of the like big managers of Endy. And like we just got talking.

I was being like polite and stuff and then I buzzed to come in here. And I was like, really good to see you. I'll see you again soon. And he's like, I'll just come in with you for a sec. And just carried on the conversation in our hallway. And I was just like, and I'd been to pick up a delivery, I had a sandwich. And honestly, like he started to just look like me sandwich.

Cause I was just looking at his head. I just want me sandwich. Sorry, you paused into a building and he went, I'll just follow you in. You're lucky you've still got all this equipment. That is insanity. Hello Adam. Nice to see you. Where do we work now? Doing well.

What's that? Anywhere else? I was coming in. Wow. How did you end that? Just push to lift and you're not getting it with you. I just went to it because he was asking me to get involved with like an initiative he's trying to sort of push. And I was just like, I'm a bit sort of occupied with the one. And I was like, yeah, I'll absolutely help you. But I'm pretty tied into Zoe's place at the minute.

And the sandwich. And I also was just thinking, I'm fucking starving. A full child. I walked to work this morning. It took me an hour and 20 minutes to get here and all of that is a coffee. I'm like, I just want me booty. Like I'll, I'll share you. So exactly. So imagine being Paul Mescal and everyone's slagging him off for going for these little fake jobs and then sprinting away from these women. Have you heard this rumor about Paul

Mescal? Yeah. After one night stands, he goes, let's go for a little walk in the park. And then he runs away. That's incredible. Now this guy, you work with this guy, but you've got a bit of people know who you are. You're not Paul Mezcal famous. Okay. So imagine if that guy's coming into your building and you're you. So imagine if you're Paul Mezcal, how hard it is to get rid of people. You have to just go, I'm sprinting. So we got, let's go for the walk. Yeah. And then they're just like, yeah, I think he stops to tie his shoelace and they keep fucking bolts.

I think he denied it. Allegedly he's denied it. That's incredible. But that was the story. I think the demographic of women that me and Paul Meskell have had one night stands with is quite different actually. Cause I think a lot of the people I've slept with

after a night out, if I woke up and gone, we going for a run then, I don't think it'd be like, do you know what, I've got my Cines. I don't think that would work. What, is he going for a jog with him in the morning? I think he's like, oh, let's go walk, get a coffee or something. And then, yeah, once they're in the park,

but he's wearing spikes and he's like, fuck, he dressed as Usain Bolt basically. And then he just, yeah, he's absolutely dorky. Are they leaving his house though? Cause surely she just goes, I'll just go wait for them there. Oh yeah. Yeah, some move outs. What just out? Yeah. Outside what? But she can't get in. That's quite needy though. But yeah, could wait outside the front of the house.

Hello Paul. I'll fuck you this morning. I'll follow you in. Do you think it's so it's not believable? So they go into their mate. Just. I slept with Paul Mescar last night and then we went on a jog and he just ran away from me. Yeah, but it only takes one of them to go, me too, last week. Like, eventually, I think you can do that three times and get away with it.

Fool me once. He's the new gladiator, isn't he? What? He's the new gladiator. Yeah. Who the fuck is this? Do you watch normal people? Normal people, yeah. No, he hasn't.

He's like the modern heart, Rob. Yeah, he's a beautiful... Very obviously an industry plant, if you ask me. And he is Irish, so the Irish goodbye checks out. Oh, yeah, I've seen him in... Yeah, OK. He's the new Gladiator. He's a good runner. He's the new Gladiator.

Yeah. Is there a new Gladiator? Yeah, like Jet and Paul Mescal. Who's he playing alongside in gladiators? Pedro Pascal. Pedro Pascal blows my mind. Mescal and Pascal. It feels like they've made them.

It's like they've texted them both back and it's gone. Yeah, yeah, both of you can have a job. Yeah. I think that's what happened. Is it Ridley Scott? Yeah. Well, shit. Gladadiator 2 or just a remake? I think he's playing Russell Crowe's son in it. Denzel Washington's in it as well, isn't he? Yeah. So he's an epo baby. Yeah. Is he the emperor? Yeah. Is he? Yeah. That's sick.

But he's playing the character from training day. Oh shit. Like they've done a mad thing with it. Time machine. Lonzo? Yeah. Lonzo. Time machine.

Back to gladiator times. He's the emperor. Multiverse. And he'd be saying things like, you know you want to do it. By the way, that would get, I'd watch that more. Yeah. If they put famous characters from 20 years ago, other worlds into remakes. I've missed the superheroes from the last five years.

That is all they're doing. So that is what's next. What you're talking about is next. But like characters from like other genres, like them. Yeah. Yeah. Port Alonzo from Trainin' Day in the new Gladiator. Joe Pesci in Toy Story. But he's from... But live action Joe Pesci. Yeah. Port Alonso from Training Day in The New Gladiator. Joe Pesci in Toy Story.

But he's from... But live action, Joe Pesci. Yeah. And Gladiators 3 by the way. It better be fucking Wolf. That's who I want doing it mate. I want the actual Gladiators from the TV show. Bear the Gladiators.

Samuel Jackson from Port Fiction, but in Jurassic Park. Oh. Perfect. Tell me that's not a perfect film. And is he Jeff Goldblum? That's who he's playing. Like his character. No, that's not a perfect film. Is he Jeff Goldblum? That's who he's playing. Like his character. No, I think he's actually playing one of the dinosaurs. There is a tasty goat.

Is that your Samuel L Jackson? That is my Samuel L Jackson. As a dinosaur. I mean... Reece, the reason we... Well, there's many reasons we've asked you to come on the show and we've been quite keen to get you on for some time, but you've got a brand new special out. That's correct. It is on your website. It stars Samuel L. Jackson as Reece James.

It's one of the most offensive pieces of work. And the budget was absolutely, I mean, I'm fucked. Tell me why it's gone out on your special and not either on a streaming platform or like YouTube. What, like why? I think you know the answer to the first half of that question. No, I'm onto it. I've been censored.

Okay. Netflix have censored me. They said, honestly, they said they wanted to cut so much from it. They were like every punchline, every setup, they didn't wanna list it and they didn't wanna pay me because of censorship. And so, you know, we got to stick it to the man, free speech.

You buy it back, babe. So I bought it back, zero pounds, because their transaction hadn't gone through somehow. So I'm taking it back so I can, you know, preach my truth. So you're gonna make three times what? Exactly, I'm gonna make three times as much and then put it on YouTube for free. Hey, that is the plan.

I don't care, no. It won't go up for free for ages. So it is, but I don't know, you know, classic. I just thought, it's a bit of an experiment to be honest, because the only people, certainly in British comedy who've done that are much more successful and well-known than me. And so the second I sort said, I'm going to put it on my, you can stream it on my website for five quid as many times as you want.

Obviously it's not like a one time thing. It's basically a download without you having to have a big file. But the soon I said that loads of comics were DMing me going, can you tell me how much it sells? So I know if I can do this or not. Because we've only like James A. Castor did it, but he's the biggest comedian in the country. So it's like, yeah, okay. That does, he obviously sold loads and whatever. And Joe Lice, it's done it but he's the biggest community in the country. So it's like, yeah, okay. That was obviously sold loads and whatever.

And Joe Lice, it's done it and he's obviously fucking huge. So, you know, you need someone shit and small to do it to see if it actually works. And so basically I feel sort of canary down the mine with it. Classy if it sells any, I think it's great. And to be honest with you, I. Because by the time this episode goes out, mine will be out on YouTube. And I thought about doing the exact same thing, but I just didn't want to, I really want this one to like sort of have the best chance to amass as many views as possible.

I think the next one that I do, which will be probably in like two or three years now, I think I'm going to, if no streaming platform picks that up, then I'm, I'd sell that initially as well. And also you're already sorted because you've already tricked a bunch of bozos into paying for your. I haven't got anyone paying for it. There's no precedent for me. Everyone's going, this has always been free. Why the fuck are you suddenly doing that? Well, that's why, because it's always been free and I need some money. It costs a lot of money to make these things. So I thought, all right, let's see if I can do that, make any of it back. But obviously,

yes, the process of getting a streaming platform to pick it up failed miserably. That was obviously the plan. So now it's going out there. And it was sort of that YouTube. And I thought, do that. And then just clips. I think this could, it could be something that happens more. I mean, Louie's been doing it in the States for years, hasn't he? On his website, you can buy all his specials for like $30 or something. And he's my hero in every walk of life. I thought, you know, do what he did and private and personal, professional. I seen a tweet about him recently, which was like, Oh, and now he sells his specials on

his own website because of what he did. And obviously like what he did, we've discussed a billion times on here and like there's a million different things you can say about it, we've discussed a billion times on here and like there's a million different things you can say about it that we've already done. But like he's been doing that long before he got into any trouble and did anything. That's always been his model. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When he's the biggest comic in the world, he did that. Yeah. It's a, I think it is the next iteration of standups is like, you put like, maybe you put like a couple out on YouTube or like you build a following somehow, whether that's through specials or through obviously you've done a lot of TV work with market week and some other stuff as well. And then you do, you know, initially at least sell your special.

And also I'm not trying to talk about your money, but I know how much you spent on yours. So it's not like you're just knocking something out for, you know, 700 quid and then going, can I make loads of money off it? No, there is, there is a lot of investment going in. Oh yeah. The amount of sales to even fucking break even, you're just like, it's, I mean, and I've seen the pre-sales, we're not getting near it. I've seen what it's like so far. It will be out by the time this is out, but it's not yet. And so I'm trying to do, I made it a quid cheaper if you buy it in advance, just so that I could feel better about myself. But you know, it's a quid and people, I think people don't only buy something like that.

The moment they're going to watch it. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like you do, you wouldn't, you know, if you're going to like buy a film from the Apple store or something, you're going to do it and then watch it in two weeks time. No, not also definitely not for a pound. Yeah. For a pound difference. There's no point. So we'll see, but it does feel like a bit of an experiment. But did you film it? Wilton's music hall in East London, which I think is the oldest music hall in the UK.

And it's like, it's so beautiful. It's one of those, it's sort of a trick where it's so beautiful in there that if you can sort of make the audience feel cool before you even start for just being there, they sort of don't care what it is. Okay. I mean, so I think mostly these days they host it's classical music and weddings. Have you seen any of this stuff from it?

No, because it looks stunning. Like it's such a gorgeous room and it's so well shot. And like you mentioned the soft focus that's being used on the cameras and stuff. Yeah. It's got such a good like tone to it and the grade on it. And I've become like a proper little like nerd about stuff like that. Like we were discussing before we started recording, like how much thought goes into how a standup special looks now from the comic and whether they're working with a director of photography or a general director or whoever. like the amount of work Will has done on mine and sort of under my guidance but with a lot of sort of creative freedom.

It just looks insane. Like someone asked me about it the other day and they were like, how much do you think is lost from watching stand up on a screen compared to live? And I was like, actually quite a lot. Like obviously when you're about to put a special out, you don't really wanna be shouting about that. But the fact of the matter is standup comedy and all forms of live entertainment, but I think particularly standup comedy

is so much better live than it is on screen. And it always will be. Even if I can watch an hour of standup special at home and love it and maybe exhale out of my nose two or three times and never burst out laughing. If you'd have watched the performance being filmed, you'd have got so much fun. But you can shoot things in a way that make the audience at home feel more like they're there. Just from the clips of yours and the shots of it, I think you've done a really good job of that

and the job Will done in mine and some of the angles he's chosen at the right moments being on the right shot, you know, we have 12 cameras over here in the room. Like it makes such a difference and an aesthetic that like, as you're putting clips out from that special, every single clip you put out from that special, everyone who sees them is gonna know that is a clip from that special. Right. Yeah, yeah.

And I think that's what comics don't nail all the time. Like all of their clips look like they could just be from any gig. Some of them were filmed on one camera at the back of like one of their tour shows and it's a bit of crowd work. And another one is from a special that they spent a lot of money on and a lot of like PR and pushed it a lot and went on a million podcasts to try and promote it. And the clips look exactly the same and they shouldn't.

A random clip from a random show is fine to just have a black backdrop and like you've just put one camera. It is what it is. So you want to do a venue that you've not seen anyone do in a special. It's, you know, like Phil Wang is livid because I did Wilton's music hall and he wanted to do Wilton's music. And, but now he feels like he absolutely can't just because, and I'm like, well, I can show you the numbers. No one knows. But like, I sort of appreciate that because you sort of want to go, but you see lots of people just do it in this like convenient place that they know they've smashed gigs before, which is the other thing. Cause I'd never done a gig in World's the musical. So I had no idea if it'd be shit or not. That was the worry. You think I can't do a warmup there.

It was, it was like, we'd already done the big London show. And so it was like, there's only so many tickets left. So if you want to fill it, I thought we're doing two records. So that first record, I was thinking, fucking hell, I hope this room works for comedy because they don't do, don't really do comedy in there. And then thankfully it was absolutely fine. But you are just thinking sometimes those rooms that are so beautiful are a bit fucked. They're not rough enough for laughter. They're too nice to have stand up in. What's the acoustic like? Exactly.

How does the atmosphere wise? Yeah. You can get too clever with it, can't you? Exactly. Yeah. And so I see why people want to be safe and go like, well, I always have a good one here. But then you go, well, there's already 15 specials there. Yeah.

And so you can't tell it's yours. If you're going to film a special with a lot of specials being filmed, make it look as different as you possibly can. Spend 1400 pounds on a purple curtain. Yeah, but like, but genuinely, like- That isn't yours, you have to give back. Dan, did you do that or do you sell curtains? I absolutely, I've opened a curtain shop.

It's really hard to tell from your tone. You know, he's got a special out, I've just launched a curtain shop, so's really hard to tell from your time. He's got a special out. I've just launched a curtain shop. So check out Dan's mom's curtains. But Dan's shot is special. It's a Newcastle stand, which is so like all of the stands have had so many comics who are local to them film stuff in. It doesn't look like anything that anyone has ever done

in the Newcastle stand because you put the curtain up and your neon sign in the corner. And it's like, don't take this the wrong way. That is two very basic minor things to do to a room. I put a curtain up and put a neon sign over there. And it instantly makes it better than anything else that was filmed in that room aesthetically. Yeah, it doesn't look like the standard at all.

Thank God. It's so simple. Great glove, but you've got a fucking painting of that boy with it. It's not even a gun to've got a fucking painting of that boy with it's not even a gun to his head anymore is it? No it's just his fingers. Oh is it yeah? Oh it's absolute. Woke nonsense. Sean Dice. Bring back the gun. Or a picture of Sean Dice. A picture of Sean Dice saying woke nonsense in the back of every comedy club. You two are gonna have to swap numbers. Oh yeah? Yeah. Are you a Chelsea fan? No Spurs. Tottenham. Yeah. I did. It's just a man with my name

who plays for Chelsea. That's where I'm getting confused. So who do you think you've booked? Lifelong Chelsea fan? Yeah. Play right back. What's the website of Tomlin? Yeah. What? My website. ReeceJames.co.uk. Easy. Classic. R-H-Y-S is how you spell that, not like the Chelsea footballer. Beautiful. We'll take a little break. We'll do some questions and features after the break, but do go and check out Reese's special.

And if you're unfamiliar with his work, get him on Instagram first, watch some clips, and then buy it. I'm gonna be buying it. It looks brilliant and I can't wait to see it. We'll see. to be buying it. It looks brilliant and I can't wait to see it. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Who is the dad? For years, a Canadian lab promised people the answer. It's obviously legit. It's a DNA company.

But one by one, its prenatal paternity tests gave people the wrong answer. It's obviously legit. It's a DNA company. But one by one, its prenatal paternity tests gave people the wrong answer. You're the company that's supposed to provide me with results. I was pissed. This is the story of our investigation into how it all happened. And a company that continues to stand by its testing. Listen to Uncover Bad Results everywhere you get your podcasts Acast helps creators launch grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere a cast calm Shall we do some room 102 everyone

We should do some Room 102, everyone? Yeah. We should do some Room 102, shall we? We have some good ones sent in. We've had a couple sent in. You got anything you would like to eradicate from society, Reece? Big time, always, loads of stuff. Yeah? He was playing the jingle. It's my fault for not being able to find it. My fault.

Go on, Reece, what have you got? Let's disappear it. I want to get rid of a lack of chemistry between podcast hosts. I just don't think it works. Also jingles. Artisan ketchup in restaurants. When they do their own little posh ketchup, you know what I'm talking about? They do their own little, always like, they call it ketchup. They call it like a tomato sauce and it tastes too much like tomatoes and not enough like sugar. Just give us ketchup. I'm so with you. I'm really, they often have their

own glass bottle and it's a bit lumpy or something. Yeah. I love a lumpy ketchup. Give me a Heinz meat or even as a ketchup. Now even that I did Heinz, it's Heinz. Even when they're like, we've got Hellman's ketchup. No, you no, your mayo. Fucking stay in your lane everyone. Why can't everyone just figure out what they're best at and just only do that? Brownstone Ketchup. What about daddy's special sauce? Well, exactly.

You never see a restaurant going, oh, we've got our own artisan daddy's special sauce. Everyone just leave, with other sauces, they just leave it. No one's making their own one. Brown is just HP. You wouldn't have any other brown. Correct. And Hellman's you're only having Hellman's mellow. Yeah. I fucking hate the piss week ketchup in like, you know, you get go to a cafe for a bacon sandwich

and it's in a little sachet. It's not the worst, but it's not like just be so much better if it was Heinz so much better if it was Heinz. So much better. I do agree with that in like a little stupid way. I love a lumpy ketchup. Or they bring you a little like cup of shot glass of it or something, but it's never, it's just like, that's not the flavour that I was, I'm anticipating. I'm absolutely, listen, we're going to vote on this, but I think it's got my vote. You've got my vote.

Put it in. Finn? I don't like ketchup, so I'm going to abstain. Oh, you're abstaining. The vote passes. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It passes. There's like water where you chop that.

You don't like ketchup? No. What do you have on your bacon butty? Don't have bacon butties, do I? What do you have on your chips? Garlic mayo. Oh. Garlic mayo.

No. In your nose. Mayo. In your nose. In my, in my. No, you don't. You're chatting shit. Right. Truth. In my house.

So basically the kebab house near mine does the best garlic sauce in the country, in the world. I'm saying it and I stockpile it. So I, when I go, whenever I get a pizza from that kebab, I buy five pots of garlic sauce. That's lasted me like two weeks. I'll have it my dick to that. Yes. There's no way based on the flavor profiles

of various nations that the best garlic sauce in the world is near your house. I'm Turkish. Yeah, right. And you live in Rilk? You don't live in Istanbul? I don't live in Istanbul, you're right. Sean Connery making another appearance.

He's gone with the ish. Ish, Sean Connery. But it's nicer, he's gone with the ish. Ish, Istanbul. But it's nicer than the garlic sauce I've had in Turkey many times. It is elite. Harun's Kebab King. I'm gonna keep, I want a sponsorship deal with them. I don't know if they're gonna do it.

I have to admit, the spicy mayo that KFC do, I stockpile at the club clubs. Yeah. If I go and get some in, I'll get a couple of extra little tubs of that to put in the fridge at home. It is nice stuff. Chips at home, get the supercharger out. Are we having for tea tonight, Dad? Fish and chips and supercharger sauce?

Lucky kids. I know we're taking the piss, but it's fucking class. The honey and mustard dip from Domino's always order a couple of extras. Chippy tea. They've discontinued that. That's again, that's because it's full of, it's mostly sugar. Yes, of course. Exactly. Same as the garlic and herb one. That garlic and herb Domino's dip that everyone loves. It's gone now. Is it back yet? Yeah. Don't they do a fucking massive one now? Because it wasn't, what, what was the issue? It wasn't vegan. It had some chemical in it that got recalled or something. Oh, that chemical tastes so good. Yeah, exactly. We, we love the chemical. When will they accept the public loves the

chemical? Yeah. Yeah. This is what happened to Ribena. We love the chemical. Lucas A. Darden was the greatest soft drink that God had ever created. And then Jamie Oliver had a fucking nightmare or whatever. A few people died of a heart attack at 41 and then they took it off the market. Grow up, grow up. I just like, honestly, just put on the bottle, a few people died of a heart attack at 41.

You know, like on Siggy's, there's like a picture of like a lung. Just put a picture of some fat cunt having a heart attack stuck on the leucosate and give me the original recipe I know the risks. I still want me drink. Fuck guys. Or sell both say chemical. This is the chemical one This is the safe one. Yeah up to you When you go get like a Mexican coke Yeah Mexican coke. Mexican. Yeah. Oh, that'd be class. Some play around the bottle. Yeah. What sugar do they use again? Do they like, right. And what sugar do we use? Fake sugar.

You're thinking of a spartan. You blame, but no, no, no. And according to my tick tock algorithm, it's going to kill us all. So I can't say. and according to my TikTok algorithm, it's gonna kill us all. Tukka Carlson. See? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I asked him before. I just say, bang that in, mate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring back E numbers. Have you got another one? I'll put it in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whatever you need. Have you got another one or two? Sure. How about? It was like you were barred for time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I've got loads. I'm just trying to think what, I'm just now sort of making judgments. I'm trying to succeed. You, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I've got loads. I'm just trying to think what, I'm just now sort of making judgments. I'm trying to succeed. You want to win. Yeah, so I'm sort of. No, go with your heart. I thought that'd be pretty universal.

I like a lumpy ketchup though, but I accept, you know, like you accept that you're in the wrong with parties. Sure. I accept that I am probably in the wrong with lumpy ketchup. But I, you know, I'm a man of exquisite taste. This is therapy.

How open are we all being about how we are? Plus you haven't been to pointless parties where someone's mom sticks it on the TV. So that's the problem. Maybe that's what you need. It wasn't a pointless party. A watch party, fad. It wasn't come down to us.

We'll open a few bottles of wine, laugh pointless on. It was a house woman party. Laugh pointless on. How bladder is she? Don't wannalis on. Just to let you know, this isn't a pointless party. But we're putting it on anyway. That's how you warm a house.

It was a house warming and she fancied watching a bit of TV. Well, that bitch knows how to party. It doesn't sound like a banging party, to be honest, for someone who loves them so much. Should we put daytime television on over here? Right, the cocaine's not turned up as much pointless in the... It wasn't my party by the way. But the pump was on.

When you were there. Just there. What else have you got? When there's a cyclist on the pavement, it should be legal and encouraged to push them off their bike. Yep. I hate them so much. They shouldn't be. I mean, I have to do it sometimes to get home. When I'm doing it, I'm like, I shouldn't be here.

You get suicidal. I thought that was a mental health check. I might just end it. No, but I'm like, everyone hates me. Like the kid in the party, like, oh, I'm sorry. But everyone hates you on the road as well. If you're a cyclist, I do not cycle us. We're just practicing.

I do understand. I do understand that sounded so religious. I do understand. We're not practicing. I understand that it cause hate you as well. I'm much more likely to kill you than being in a pavement. But I just, I ate bikes. I do the thing that I hate in a car.

When I'm in the car, do you know if I'm cycling and someone's a dick in a car? I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? And then when I'm in the car, I'm doing that thing. I think that's what I'm getting at really is that like, because I'm the same every now and then you have to get a fucking Boris bike or whatever and there's a bit where you can't be on the road. And I do the same thing. I think what I mean is,

I'd like to put in room one or two, anyone who isn't me in that moment, anyone who's not doing what I'm doing in that moment. Like how like if someone sort of looks at their phone at the top of an escalator in the tube, whatever, and they're standing still and I've taken to sort of set, I catch myself saying out loud, there are other people in the world and then you then they sort of look and you go, are you that bloke? Oh, fuck off, fuck off, yeah, I'm Ed Gamble. And then you keep walking. But then every now and then, you know, I get a text at the top of a message letter and there's someone to be like going past to be like,

all right, fuck off, you cut. And whatever, I get really aggy at them. And you go, basically, anyone's got me. The hypocrisy of man. That is me in my car. Yeah. People who just stop in any sort of public space. Just pass a ticket barrier, tie in their shoelace.

Anywhere, like even if you're in the middle of the street, unless you've done like a full 360, like you have to do like a fucking Chavy and the Fster scan the field to make sure you've got space around you. And then you can stop. But people who are just walking, like in a city centre and they just stop for no reason.

And I go into the back of them. That is your fault. It's not my fault. Exactly. You're just walking into the back of them. You're not too foot in them. I'd love to sometimes. That's the rules. I honestly, I was on the bike yesterday on the road

and a car sort of like, you know you're meant to give loads of space. Yeah. Sort of didn't and then cut back in line. And I just sort of, I did that. I was like, I get it. I get it. Because it is annoying. It isn't like, it's such a- He doesn't own the road.

No, no, absolutely. But even though I am a cyclist, I'm like, I do find it annoying. I scream cars. I put a middle finger up to a pin. You're doing the right thing and everyone hates that. By cycling, you're doing a sort of morally superior thing and that makes you feel shit about yourself. We, none of us want to cycle. We just got fucking cajoled into it by him And now we're doing that is a lie by the way you did cajol that is an absolute. Oh, no, that's right I I suggested it You're absolutely right. I made Regina from Joe's place. Let's all go to India. Oh, no, that's right. It was you

It was your idea and we all have to follow you we do it so much much. So here's what's happening, Reece. Are you going on a cycling holiday? Next week. Do you know what? That makes it sound a lot nicer. We're doing 450 kilometres in six days across India. From the 16th to the 25th. I know that's more than six days, but we're also going to see the Taj Mahal and a few courtyards. What happened was, I was drunk in a hotel room. I was drunk in a hotel room. I was drunk in a hotel room. A girl who I'm friends with who works at the charity wrote me into it by saying, hey dude, I come in on the Monday and was like, hey lads, help me get out of this. And they all, instead of helping me get out of it, signed up as well.

Ah, okay. But really- That is not how that went down. Oh, I want to get out of it. No, we must come with you. It feels a bit. Um, so that was like the, that's what she opened with. Oh, we want you to do something for this charity. Could you cycle 450 kilometers across India? I'll do a gig. Yeah. I'll make a donation. That's all you have to say. Yeah. You're not professional cyclist. Not even amateur cyclist. I'm actually quite a terrible beginner cyclist. We're terrible. Have I got stabilizers in India? Like walking with badda like we're not fit. Not in any way athletic. But we're doing- How did this end up getting through the committee?

Because we are. There is a committee. We did agree. It does sound kind of fun. Like there's an element of adventure. Do you know when the adventure seems more fun? When it's a year away. It seems less fun when it's nine days away.

We had to have 14 vaccinations. Yeah. Don't go to that place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Got it. What's your plan with the old testicles? Huh? Hope you don't mind my asking.

I'm taking them off. Don't cut that out of context. What's the plan? I'm cutting my own off. Bringing them in hand luggage or? It will be easier. What's the, because you know, you're cycling that much. You go black, don't you?

It's not your balls that take the punishment. I mean, never go black. It's like the bones of your ass that having just done 60, 70 kilometres yesterday. My coccyx is a problem. So what are you going to do to alleviate that? What do you want us to do? I just want to know.

I just want to be able to imagine something. Reese, we don't know. Reese, we don't know. We're just going to pray the best. We're just going to see what happens. I'm getting some crisp at the airport. Go for your balls then. We're going to eat Rogan Josh three times a day or whatever their version of it is.

And then everyone's going to get this. I'm going to poo my pants on the street in Rajasthan. Rogan Josh crisp, balls of soil. I tell you what, we've saved a baby hospice and that makes loads of sense. Every time I shit myself in Rajasthan, I'll be like, this is for the kids. Yeah, we're all, we're all, this might be one of the last ever podcast. One of us is getting bit by a snake. Got the vaccine. Um, cyclists on pavements.

Have you got special vaccine? I'm your snake vaccine, mate. I'll talk to them. Got a snake vaccine. Yeah. Safe. They can get in the bin though. What cyclists on pavements? Cyclists on pavements. Snakes in the room 101.

Anyone voting? Are we going in? I feel like a dick when I do it. Yeah, okay. On the pavement. Yeah. Do you want us to throw some at you or have you got more? Sure, either way, I've got more if you like.

We've got a few submissions. Send them in to haveowordpod at gmail.com. Callum says, got a submission from room 102. When you're getting a group photo and a gimp in the group says, can we take a photo? Sorry, when you're taking the photo says, now let's do a silly one.

Fuck off you absolute goon. Now is that person- Get better mate. What's a silly one? But that's something that like a wedding photographer says. So is the person in the group doing an ironic joke to send up how lame wedding photographers are? So you get the initial picture,

you get the initial picture and then someone goes, I know let's do a funny one. Yeah, but I think that's, I think they're joking. No, I don't think they are. I think there's levels of irony. You've got better friends than this person. I think this person's just got someone being like, what I do when someone says, let's do a silly one,

I don't move an inch from what my first pose was. So if my first pose was like. Which it always is. Oh yeah. Then the second one is just. Oh, that's a superman. Are you Sean Connery? That is a callback.

Joe Leysert, when he did selfies with people, I think he still might do it. He was like, just look like you're in a really bad mood. I get that. I don't think that's, that's kind of fun. Instead of like, just look like you're in a really bad mood. I get that. I don't think that's, that's kind of fun. Instead of going, oh, you're a famous person. I kind of like a selfie, getting them to look fuming while you look fuming.

That's a good, I don't mind that. Otherwise you find yourself doing the point at them. Oh, that's a weird point at them instead. He's the guy, not me. Yeah, I'm so humble. I'm pointing over there. I just pointed myself whenever someone else for picture of Yeah, I'm so humble, I'm pointing over there. I just point at myself whenever someone else for a picture with me, I just point both fingers at myself

and just go, yep, me. He wants a picture with me from the internet. I don't know about that one. I'm not asked about that one. It's fine. It's fine. You don't have to do it, do you? Yeah, game still. Yeah, that doesn't go in.

Jonathan Salmon says room 102 truffle. It's on everything at the moment have to do it, do you? They are game still. Yeah, that doesn't go in. Jonathan Salmon says, room 102, truffle. It's on everything at the moment and it's not even good. Agreed. The only reason people like it is because it's expensive. It tastes awful and is everywhere. Get rid. Completely agree.

The ones with you, I didn't ruin the food. Oh, the food ruined instantly. This is the truffle infused pesto. I got a truffle pizza once that was just the only, it was just bread and truffle. I didn't know, I didn't know it was gonna be that. And it was so- Truffle on toast?

Yeah, effectively. And it was so overpowering that even the smell of it now, I have to leave it. I don't know. It's just too much, you know? Too much. You know me with truffle, Adam. There's no one it is.

There is a limit. You know what truffle is? No, I have no, no pigs find them. Don't they snuff up for truffles? It's like trifle. Mm. What's a limit. You know what truffle is? No, I have no, I know pigs find them. Don't they snuffle for truffles? It's like trifle. Mm. What's a truffle? It's like a tiger fungus.

They found them in the ground, don't they? Yeah. Yeah. But it's the oil from them that they'll usually use as- Ooh. No, no, no, no. No, they're putting truffles on stuff. Oh, I thought that was- Like they're shaving truffle. Oh, it tastes like poo.

Oh, so pigs find them in the ground, you shave them and put them on bread. Mwah. I mean, that does sound fantastic. Sounds like a bacon butty. By the way, Dan versus Food next week should absolutely be truffle, and I will vomit in that bin. Yeah, we're doing that. You should compete with a pig to find who,

so you can get the most truffles the quickest. I don't have to find the food. I just have to eat the shit. Look, you do that, I'll sign up to the Patreon. That's all I'll say. Ooh. Matt Lambert says, shit cutlery in room 102. If I come over and get given a three pronged fork

or something with a plastic handle, I'm not coming back. That's a cake fork. I have to say. Three pronged fork. I go near the bread and the egg fork. I'd say, my rule would be, in general, would be other people's cutlery. Yeah, it's always worse than yours.

Other people's crockery, other people's fridges, other people's Christmas diny. It's all the people's crockery, other people's fridges, other people's Christmas dinners. It's the same ingredients. It's not right. When I see it in a picture, I think, oh, the Scott, you're doing this all wrong. It's just not right. Anything other people are doing is wrong. People's houses think because other people's houses are bad. Yeah. But yours does. Yeah. I just don't know. Yeah. Yeah. But you've got your cutlery and crockery game on point, Sensei Karl. Yeah, we've got a thingy silver from Ireland,

what's it called? We went there, I can't remember it, but yeah, it's good gear. We went to my kid's coffee morn, Newbridge. Newbridge Silver. Yeah, we went there. It's the best. My kid's school had a coffee morning when the classes sang,

and then at the end it was for like McMillan's or whatever. There was a cake that one of the mums had made. And it's like a showstopper cake. And they did an auction. And I got carried away and bought a 50 pound cake, which weighed close to 50 pounds. It was an absolute beast. Took it home.

It was so beautiful. It was a, what's it, Biscoff or whatever. Yeah. Really nice. You know, you know when you've had one, I was mispronouncing it. It was a biscuit cake. I bought a 50 pound biscuit. I had one slice. You know when you're like, I'm not going to be able to eat another slice of this for 24 hours. You can only have two of those slides. So we gave it away. I gave some of the neighbors cake. I did that thing. That's good. The crockery has not been returned and Laura's absolutely fuming.

Why were you giving people plates? Cause what do you give? Wrap it in like a kitchen roll. Kitchen roll or something, like a kids party. I'm starting to see why she's annoyed. You give plates out to your neighbours? I gave plates out to the neighbours. Do you have this?

No, but there should be an understanding that you're not gifting them the plate as well. Well everyone, I haven't got any plates back and she's annoyed and she has social anxiety so she can't ask you for them. I'm in a position here and I'm going to end up buying new plates. I'd be so confused. But then I can't buy one new plate or two new plates, I have to buy a whole new crockery set. And then we're like, ah yeah but one set's not enough because we're a family of four. This is going to cost me 100 quid

in crockery. It's your fault. I know. Did you give them a spoon as well? One set still is enough. You get four of everything in a crockery set. Yeah, but you need more than four, don't you? Cool. Talk to your future wife. She's going to want two sets. How many plates have you given us?

I get four plates. Each. But you could ask, can you go and say, oh, that plate. Can you give me that plate? No, because then he looks like a bad little- How long's it been? Why don't I just do it on a major podcast? Hey, everyone, can I have my plates back?

This was about two months ago, wasn't it? Yeah, it was about a month and a half ago. They're not coming back, are they? Put up missing plate posters in the neighborhood. And in front of the four houses where I know they are. I'd be so confused. I was like, he's given us a plate as well. I wouldn't think you wanted the plate back.

No, you would. Yeah, you would. Why is he giving me it? What are you talking? Is it your first day on earth? Why? Obviously, obviously someone's bringing a plate home. Yeah, wait, there's a plate.

Oh, you'll want, why are you giving me? Sorry, he didn't knock on the door and say, there's a plate. He said, I've got this extra cake. Do you want, I've brought a slice of. Do you want I'll take it off. If he's knocking on a mate's is a place and not mention the cake and then fair enough for them. That's what you should do. Go around and say, can I have my cake back?

I was just giving you that plate. Can I have that cake? There's no way they got that. I don't think I can give you the plate. So we haven't placed the neighbors. They're gone forever. But it's not absolutely not. Next door. The, the, the no cake. Well, and so neighbors on one side, she makes us stuff like she'll make banana cake bread. I don't know. Is it your first day on earth? Banana cake bread. I've made you banana cake bread. All right, all right, banana bread, but you can't have it, you know, you can't have a cheese sandwich with it, can you?

So it is kind of cakey. I mean, I get that I said it wrong, but I'm not a million miles away. You asked me what it was when telling me. I know. Banana bread. So they bring that round on a plate and then we go, pretend to eat it and then, you know, don't eat the rest. And then we give that plate back.

I think this is not like neighbor rules. Yeah. Yeah. pretend to eat it and then, you know, don't eat the rest. And then we give that plate back. I think this is not like neighbor rules. Yeah. Yeah. I think there's a dynamic going on in my street with if you receive a parcel on behalf of someone. Don't open it. No, I'm not opening it. Oh.

It's, that was out of the question. It's fucking out. I'm scanning it to see if it's a bomb. No, it's whether or not, are you supposed to go around to collect a parcel that's been delivered to your neighbour or are they supposed to bring it to you? You're supposed to go and collect it. I agree.

Yeah. Unless it's like- I spend a lot of time with fucking parcels in my house for neighbours who are not coming around to get it, who are expecting me to go and I've got parcels for you. And then it's yours, like a cat? No. No, no, no.

No, no. Says the man who's stealing cats. If it's in my house for like a week, you don't want it. I'm having it. No, they might not have like seen the notification or they might not have gotten a notification. It's been delivered here. So at that point you take it round. And by the way, that's the same with you. The people that you've lent these plates to should have brought them back a few days later, but maybe they've forgotten exact. Is there any other bald men with glasses in your street? Cause maybe they've given it to him.

Yeah. Maybe they've got all their Allen's and Allen's just got four plates now and he doesn't know why. That is really upsetting. Playing the long game. Cause they know my name and they've met me many a time and they see me a lot on the school run,

but they're like, I can't remember which ball come. Do you remember that fucking no face ball come? Could you do anything to like really put the message? Everyone's got a podcast these days, isn't it? It's hard to, Alan's got a podcast. What number's no-face balls? Why don't you just do something where it's like really obvious

that you're lacking plates in your life. Like on the school road, just eat spaghetti bolognese out of your hands or something. So they're like, why isn't he using it? Fuck, I forgot his plates. I'm gonna have to give him his plates back. As if the plate wouldn't be mental as well. Or empty sticks in the ground and just go around spinning.

And when the neighbor's like, what are you doing? I've got no plates, but I've still got to practice. Beautifully done. A wall in my roll gives me veg. Any more room relatives? That's nice. She's got an allotment and she knocks and gives me large veg. Yeah, but I never use it. By the way, Laura's planted a lot on the allotment and I think that's going to be, she's growing allotments so she's probably, I'm going to be bringing them in.

But if you want like that, I think that's going to be happening. So can you just get the plates ready and then she going She has told me I want to say zucchini Garlic can I advise you to bring them in in a bag? Yeah Max O'Shea say, I have a room one. We've all got a speech impediment today. Max O'Shea says, I have a room 102 for you lot. Whenever you call a business and immediately the pre-recorded, sorry, all our operators are busy at the moment. Someone will be with you shortly comes on. Load of shite. Was useful at first, but now every company seems to use it and

I'm convinced it's a load of rubbish 99% of the time. That's from Max O'Shea. If you call a certain business, you will always get that regardless. Even if they're not busy. Oh, we're busy right now. They've got like one person working. I'll tell you what I would put in. do you know when you'd have to ring somewhere and it tells you 17 times to go online? Mm. Like, because obviously everyone would rather you go online because it doesn't take someone to man that.

Have you tried using our app? I had to ring the police the other day to report someone. And I... Good ass. It goes, hey, you can make this report online, if that's any easier. If not, press two, we'll be with you in a minute.

You press two. It goes right. Is this someone who is gonna murder you? Is this someone who's gonna rob you? Is this someone who's gonna punch your cat? Press one for this, do for that. And then you go to the next menu and it goes, do you know by the way, just letting you know,

you can still do this online. And then the next one, it was still like, you can still do this. I'm like, I know I can do it online. I wanna speak to a person, don't I? Yeah, you don't really want to, but you're already doing that thing now. So if you stop doing that and then go online,

you've done two things. Also, I'm convinced when you do stuff online like that, it just goes into a bin. Oh, fuck. I don't think they actually get written down. But if I speak to a person, I can get their name. And if nothing gets done, I can go, hey, I spoke to Dave last week

and he promised me he'd wrote this down. If I join a chat as well, I say nothing but human until a person talks to me. Hello, how can we, human. Ironically, that makes you sound like such a robot. Human, human, human. So we can better, I'm like human. And if you say it enough, they go, I like fucking hell any part of human. Don't give them anything.

Works, doesn't it? Thank you. Don't give them anything. Any more, Dan? Or have you got one, Reece? Have you got another one? Look, I don't, I'm not trying to have a go at anyone specific. Couples podcasts.

We've all got friends who've got couples podcasts. They're nice. All of these people are nice people and I've never listened to any of them. So maybe they do and I'm not going to. It's just says just something that makes me feel weird about the idea of going, oh, save it. No, save it.

Let's not have this tender moment or this argument. Let's monetize it. Every fucking moment of human connection must be monetized or it's not have this tender moment or this argument. Let's monetize it. Every fucking moment of human connection must be monetized. It's not worth having. Do you know what though that as a being in a club or I'd love to monetize that the plate episode would be. Well you have you monetize it here. We did that with us. If someone comes in, we've got like wait. Yeah. Don't start. Don't tell me now. Yeah. You got a good story. Yeah. But that's because we're here because of work. I know it's the entertainment business.

It's how it works. But a marriage. That is it. It's every day. Yeah. It's like, it's every moment must be. Well, my Dean and Amy are mates with the mild high club. They said when they, they shut it down basically recently. And one of the things they said was like,

they wanted to get rid of from their lives was like, cause they had to record two episodes a week and they'd start a conversation and go, I would just do it on the pod. Exactly. It's not, it cannot be good for your mental health. Also I think if we put couples podcasts into room one on one, I think we go seven places in the Apple chart. We win a national comedy award. They are very, they are very popular.

Well, I mean, Chris and Chris and Chris and Rosie are smashing it. Yeah. They're like, they've been taught in three minutes. Yeah. Sure. It's great. I mean, I don't, I don't know. I can't listen to something like that. Now, even though I have listened to parenting podcasts, despite having no children and wanting no children, but because that confirms to me, that's all I'll be like that. If I have children, I'll be like this and then I'll be trying to monetize that. At least there's not, at least that isn't a podcast with their child. That's where it would be far. They do exist though. They're fun as well with their own kid. Yeah. Little girl ones, really fun and cute. I know what one you mean. Yeah. It's a dad and

daughter. Do you think that they're ever having moments of the dad saying, don't have fun now. We're in the park. I haven't got the equipment. Daddy, I really love it. Shut up. Save it. Still on Patreon. You're the first time on a public episode. Shut up. I think it's time to bring back a feature. Nice. We'll have a little tiny break here and then we'll bring our feature in. It's Mastermind.

Guest versus Finn. Ba ba ba ba ba. We need to sort out the mic because you've got to be close to it. Hang on. We're going to do a... Shall we do a quiz? Shall we do Mastermind? We're going to do... Shall we do a quiz? Shall we do Mastermind? We're going to do Mastermind. Is it a quiz? Where's Harry's quiz?

Oh, it's not called Mastermind. It's Harry's quiz, it's Harry's quiz, it's Harry's quiz, it's Harry's quiz. We're going to do Finn vs. Rishi. Rishi, you were on Celebrity Mastermind. Yeah. And your special subject was? The Office Brackets US. And that's Finn's favourite little programme as well. Yes. So we're going to do you versus him.

Do you remember what you got? 100%. I don't know how many. Nine maybe? You got eight. Fucking mistake. You got them all right? I got all of them right,

and what pissed me off on the day is that so did basically everyone else I was on with, and they got asked more questions. And I didn't delay, I didn't hesitate once just longer questions, longer questions. Also it was a fire. The whole thing was a fucking piss stake. So it was what was his name? The previous host, John fashion, John fashion. It would have been John fashion. Yeah. It was the previous guy radio for that radio. I mean he's Humphreys. Yeah. John Humphreys are so disrespectful. He's an absolute legend, but he did fuck me over. So they obviously like anything.

There's a bit where you have a bit of chat on that show and they go, you know, what's, you have an anecdote you want to tell that's really quick and family friendly. And I had this bit about being our speaker at my school. So they said they were going to say, I was at the toughest ever gig. Well, I was asked to speak at my school, whatever.

Then on the day they said, actually an XMP is on with you. So we're going to ask you the difference between comedy and politics. I thought, oh, fine, do some bullshit about, oh, when a politician goes on a panel show and says awful stuff, their prime minister, when I do it, I'm canceled, some shit like that. And then I sat down and he just went, so has it all gone a bit woke? Can you say anything anymore?

And I said, John, it's 9 a.m. And they said, cut. Obviously, this is going to be 6 p p.m. Reese you can't say it's 9 a.m. I was just basically trying to get him to have to ask a different question and we'll do that again and he asked it in exactly the same way again and I just had the most fence city fucking. You should have just said it's 9 a.m. and just played that game. Just kept saying it's 9 a.m. yeah yeah yeah until it's 6 p.m. Dreadful stuff so as long as that doesn't happen whatever. Right Reese you'll go first. Okay. Set the bar for Finn. Carl's gonna be our timekeeper.

What's your beeper sound, Carl? Hey. Right. So when you hear that sound, that's when your time will be up. And I'll finish the question that I've been reading. Huh? I am doing stopwatch. You're just counting it in your head. Yeah. Look at my it in your head. Yeah. Look at my head on the phone. I did a little revision last time.

I've not done any. We have sprung it on you. I mean, I've watched The Office recently, but that's not really... Okay, I will count you down. Isn't this a more natural test though? This is actually what you know. Not what you remember. It's true.

Right, I'll count you down from three. Three, two, one, go. Reece, who is the Human Resources representative at Dundon Mifflin? Toby. Correct. What crop does Dwight grow on his farm? Beets. Correct. What is the name of the band that Kevin plays in? Oh!

The... Pass. Scrantonicity. Who started The Fire in the episode The Fire? Ryan. Correct. What is Dwight Schrute's middle name? Oh... Pass. Ryan. Correct. What is Dwight Schrute's middle name? Oh, boss. Kurt. When a new manager was installed

to oversee Dunham Mifflin Scranton office, Michael quit and opened his own paper company. What was the name of that paper company? Michael's Got a Paper Company. Correct. According to Creed in the Cocktails episode, why do all the teenagers in town know him? Oh, he sells them some sort of weird drug.

Fake IDs. What username does Michael pick for an online dating service? Kid love us and then a number. It's little kid love, I'll give you that. What username does, sorry, during the episode company picnic, there was a sports tournament going on

between different branches. What sport are they playing? Volleyball. Correct. What is the name of Kevin, Kelly, Aaron, Ameri- Eh. Trivia team. Yes. Where's the name of Kevin Kelly, Aaron, America? Trivia team. Yes. Um, was the name of Kevin Kelly, Aaron, and Meredith's trivia team.

Can't remember pass at the Einstein's got sick. I didn't get that one. I got all the ones you didn't get. Yeah. Yeah. Feeling good, Finn. All of those are ones that you're like, are you giving the right answer? I would have got them on Mastermind. Yes. Make sure you do it with Finn as well then. Yeah, of course. I'm even, just impartial. So what have I got to be? Six. Good questions.

They were much harder questions than on Mastermind, but if I'd done a rewatch recently. When he started with Toby, I was like, come on. Come on, mate. First question I had on Mastermind was where is it set? What town is it in? And everyone, they put it on Facebook or whatever and all the comments are just like,

these questions are easy, this guy's a prick. I mean, you know, to get Scrantonicity, Scrantonicity, that'd be impressive. I had that. Well, it's annoying. Did you get it? I was disappointed not to, I'll be honest. Oh really, is that right?

Exactly. Scrantonicity too, he breaks away from them. All right. Right, he smokes weed as you can tell. You got six, you ready to be, you smoke weed and watch the six? You ready to be smoking weed and watch the office? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's hooker fence initially. I didn't think it was relevant.

Three, two, one, go. One of the events in the office Olympics is a race where the staff wear boxes of paper snow shoes. What does Pam say is the Icelandic name of this event? Flunkerton. Correct. One. In season three, what ringtone song is repeatedly played on Andy's cell phone when Jim hid it in the ceiling of the office? Rocking Robin. Correct. How many minutes did Michael Scott work at the office? 520. No, that's the actual song was it? 9,900,000 something. I can't remember the song. Close. 9986000. When Dwight was brutally pulling Jim with snowballs indoors he warned Jim that he had a what for everyone in the office?

Wig. Correct. What was the name of Andy's acapella group at Cornell? Oh fucking. Pass. Here comes treble. What was the name of Angela's sick cat that Dwight killed? It's in the freezer. What's it called?

Pass. Sprinkles in season two. One expected homemade secret Santa gifted my tea pot from. Oh, no. I apologize. Last question. I'm absolutely crumbling. No, you haven't started. I've absolutely crumbled. You were hard on the lights.

Much harder. It's hard under the lights. Much harder questions. Everyone can do it from home. Much harder questions. the the the the they were harder, they getting the minutes would be crazy. If you got that I'd have been worried. Anyway, read it so slowly Harry. Well done! A little bit guest bias, I'll take it. Release the unseen pussy jitters.

At the end of this week's episode ladies and gentlemen, go and watch my special, go and watch Reece's special, go and buy tickets to Dan and Fiends if there's any left. No there's not, that's all. Okay, don't worry about that. Just watch my special and Rish's special. YouTube.com slash have a way pod, RishJames.co.uk and Finn, who's singing for us this week? We got a song from Vulture Authority, which is Jamie Hutchinson's mate, Fionn,

so Jamie's in all the videos. I'm sure people have seen them. What's the song called? This is their song, Cappuccino Rocket Fuel. Ooh. Great. Please, please do it. Please do the... All right, we're Vulture off on it.

This is Cappuccino Rocket Fuel. That's so good. Thank you, Rees, mate. Thank you. A pleasure. Wake up with a scream For another day serving the machine Chasing numbers on a screen Killed every last one of your hopes and dreams Killed every last one of your hopes and dreams All society's sacred cows Long ago sent to the slaughterhouse All the rich men in suits and ties

Designed to work day to steal your life Wider me up to the maze Cause I've forgotten my own name I'm the center of the earth I've decided Fuck you if you don't like it Between the hours of nine to five You're all that keeps me alive

All day dreaming coming home to you High on cappuccino rocking you Long past that point In time for any more good ideas tonight Or any more good ideas tonight? Skip until the sun comes up Now what else to do in a world so fucked? Sharing used to be caring now it's coming next to evil But the system says we're all one equal

coming next to evil but the system says we're all one equal You simply must have forgot where you put the QC in Super Yacht Wiley up to the mains cause I've forgotten my own name I'm the center of the earth I've decided Fuck you if you don't like it Between the hours of nine to five You're all that keeps me alive All day dreaming coming home to you High on cappuccino rocket fuel