Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #303 with Jamie Hutchinson - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: November 18, 2024

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME? https://youtu.be/Li6FQUiaeBITickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsRhys' Special: rhysjames.co.ukThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it and I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lads before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new standup special, what's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio. And if you watch it on YouTube, you'd already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value

is insane. The reaction has already been insane. And only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor, if you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one. Not just the standup, like obviously I'm proud of the hour

of standup that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and efforts and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to create in this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel,

that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it. Appreciate it and I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lads, before we start this week's episode of the Have A Weird podcast,

do us a favor and make sure you're following us on all social media. We are at Have A Weird pod on Twitter, Instagram and TikTok. And on top of that, don't forget to go and subscribe to the Patreon page, patreon.com slash have a weird pod, early access to these episodes, an extra episode just for you lot every single week on Patreon. And don't forget those monthly specials of which there are 40 plus now. They're basically a movie every single month. Patreon.com slash have a weird pod.

Enjoy the episode. It's a belter. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have Award. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomer.

Go Ed, get on me. And now we're on. How are we? Yeah, good, how are you? In your fucking autumnal get up. I'm just trying to dress with intent. It's my new attitude. Yeah.

So like I think- The intents of this text start up in the next couple of weeks. You're about to go for a really romantic winter walk then. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just trying to get up. And instead of just like grabbing stuff and lashing it on, I'm trying to think about what I'm wearing. I think you've been doing that for a while I thought.

A little bit, but like I am quite guilty, especially like when we're just in here for the day of going, just give us that NFL hoodie. Just give the first pair of jeans in me wardrobe and then the first trainees that I pick up. Yeah, because we forget there's nearly 200,000 people. Because we're sat behind to see me legs. But I've got me fucking,

you can see your legs, people don't wanna tell you what, mate, I've got me RM Williams boots on. Thank you, by the way. By the way, hashtag not an ad, but they are giving you stuff for way. By the way, hashtag not an ad, but they have give me loads of stuff for free because of the dead sound. If you've got any trainees or shoes that need cleaning, there's a place in the Baltic called Grail.

And so I bought these boots in Australia as like my little sort of gift to myself in Australia. Cause that's what I do with my shoes now. You know what I mean? I just get like something I can wear. So I got these in Australia. They're really made up of them. They're so comfy.

They're really smart. Fucking smart these shoes. Smart them. And I come back, wore them at Jason Cook's Comedy Club. And then that was the night I went out with Jamie Hutchinson in Newcastle. And when I woke up the next day, they looked like they'd been on a bonfire.

Like they were- They'd been Jamie'd. Yeah. To be fair that night, Jamie had to take me back to my hotel room. So all on me. But I took them to Grail and then now they look brand new. So genuinely, if you've got any like boots, like these are suede as well.

So if you've like fucked a pair of suede shoes, take them in there because really reasonably priced and they'll get them back to look. I enjoy the old Instagram reel of a shoe cleaner. Yes. I like a rug clean me. Where did they get the rugs? I like your Mars clean rug as well. That's what I was thinking.

Nice, I've never seen your mum on one of the reels. I don't like this fever. I'm getting to me headphones though. What is that? Oh, that's a little clicky thing. Where do they get the rugs though? I genuinely, I don't understand. People's houses?

Are you saying you want to stop for a second and check the headphones? No, make a noise. Talk. Adam. I don't do what. It's gone. No, the rugs. It's staying in. The rugs that I see.

Are they on like white, like, do you know what I mean? Like a really... They look like they've been in a farm. That's not someone's house, is it? That is... It looks like maybe like a shop. It's a rug cleaning shop. I just, I don't even think there's any shop that's not someone's house, is it? That is... It looks like maybe like a, in a shop. It's a rug cleaning shop. I just, I don't even think there's any shop

that's like a good alley. Yeah. That's had some sort of flooding. Yeah. It's absolutely grim. It's so good and they just do a lot of blah, blah, blah. And then it comes out spotless. It's the little squeegee pushy one, isn't it? Yeah. I have no desire to clean,

but watching cleaning is great. I love, like my flat or like bedroom being spotless. Like I love it. Like I'm like, oh my God, this is incredible. But the idea of cleaning it is just the worst thing in the world. It's the way, it's the one task apart from like having to phone anybody.

By the way, shout out United Utilities, the biggest cunts on the planet, by the way. Shout out. Shout out. Shout out. Shout out. Big respect, the biggest cunt on the planet by the way. Shout out. Shout out. Shout out. Big respect. Light and water. Thanks for giving me that mile of them clean tap water.

Fucking absolute. So I'm in the process. What have they done? I'm in the process of getting my mortgage, right? And they're trying to charge me for the water bill. From United Utilities. Wow, they are really expanded. I've been using a horsepipe a lot and I'd like a three bed semi.

So in January this year, I checked my credit file and the one like default problem on it was a United Utilities bill that hadn't been paid. It was on my little brother's house because my little brother was obviously not paid his water bill, right? That checks out what? It's still in my name.

So I said to them, I was like, look, I just want this cleared off my file. I don't live there anymore. Like I haven't lived there for a while. I'll just pay it. Cause it is me little brother who lives in the house. I'll get the money off him. I just want, can you just remove it from the file?

They were like, absolutely just pay it today. Saw it out. And they went, do you want the account closing? And I said, yeah. Right. Went to apply for me mortgage and the lad who's doing it's like, it's going to be sound lads. And like, like we'll still get you on,

but there is two defaults here that will like put you like raise up by like 1%, which is like, like over a 20 year mortgage or 30 year mortgage. You got to fuck yeah. Like buy quite a lot of money. He's like, you need to try and speak to these and get these taken off. Two defaults.

So there's another one from last week from United Utilities from the same account. So I rang them yesterday and they were like, yeah, it's your account. And I was like, it isn't. And I told you this in January, they went, oh, but you paid it. And I went, I paid it because I just wanted it gone.

And you said it'd be gone. First of all, that one's not gone. And now there's another one on it. And they were like, oh, well, we need like all this proof. And I was like, Proof of what? That I've not been living there. So I went, the thing is,

like I still rent that house for me little brother. I was like, but I don't live there and it's not my responsibility anymore. Like the bill was, I was, I told you to close the account and you didn't. They were like, yeah, we haven't done that. And I was like, so take the two, I was like, even this new bill, I'll pay it.

I'll pay it now. I was like, but take the two defaults off my accounts, I know you can do it at the click of a button. They were like, yeah, well, we can't accept the money off you, but we can't actually take it off until you prove. So I had to go through all my bank statements, find like regular bank statements from when I lived at the flat in town.

And this is your favorite kind of thing to do, isn't it? And then I sent them all yesterday, rang them back and was like, have you got it? And they were like, oh, emails on our system don't work that quick. And I went, what do you mean? They went, yeah, our email system, it has to check every email for viruses and stuff.

And it can take up to 24 hours for an email you've sent to come into our inbox. And I was like, this is absolutely ridiculous. And they also told me that on the 14th of every month, that's when they tell credit companies whether there's defaults that should either remain on the account or be removed. So I was like, right, so let's say this takes 24 hours

because this was like two o'clock yesterday afternoon. I right, so let's say this takes 24 hours because this was like two o'clock yesterday afternoon. I was like, let's say this takes 24 hours to tomorrow and then you've got to review the files. I went, how long does that normally take? She went 24 to 48 hours. I said, so if that takes you 48 hours, you won't know till the 15th that I shouldn't have them on my file.

So I won't have these removed until the 14th of December. She went, that is what I'm telling you, yeah? I went, you need to make a note now, the second these files come through, because these need to be off by the 14th. Like this is ridiculous, this is your company's mistake. And I'm now having to like go through all this fucking shit when I've got a million other things on.

And like she really sort of cocky and arrogant. Cause I'm being overly polite at first. Cause I'm like, essentially I'm asking for a favor. Although like it's their fault. They don't have to help you. They can just be conscious about it. So I'm being like really- They wanna be by the sound of it.

Really not. And she was like, yeah, we can't do that. No, no, let's not know how it works love. And I was like, why didn't you tell me in January you needed this stuff? You literally said we'll close the account today. And you haven't. I was like, and I'm you tell me in January you needed this stuff? You literally said we'll close the account today and you haven't. I was like, and I'm offering to give you all the money

you've ever been owed. I was like, you can have more if you want it. That'd be recorded as well. Yeah. You should say, listen to back to that conversation. Oh, absolutely unbelievable. Yeah, but that's not gonna help his mortgage application, is it?

They're not gonna listen to it. I got a text from them this morning going, all your documents have been come through and we're now dealing with it. We'll be in touch later today. So if that phone goes off, by the way, I've got to take it, sorry to do a call. Whoa, when did I last do that?

That's not for two years. You haven't done it for ages. Two years. I mean, that is still doing a call. Yeah. No, two years, statue of liberty, I'm done now. There was a time when you were getting your orangery built. I still can't talk about the footy

without someone mentioning the Mackies. That's been five years. You. You still got three years to go sir. That was episode two. Was episode two? Yeah When Rob Thomas rang up and went hey, I don't know what you're talking about today when you're recording But you've got to ask him about this Classic Rob Thomas move. Yeah, so United Utilities is a fucking asshole Well, welcome to a load of bullshit when it comes to getting houses and buying houses. It's always annoying. I have one offering now. Whoa.

It's exciting. Yeah. On United utilities, you're trying to buy it. Yeah. Trying to buy it yourself and shut it down. Some men just want to watch the world burn. Fuck off United utilities. Can you burn water? Can you burn water? Oh yes.

Was that steam? Boiling it. Boiling it, yeah. Yeah. Boiling it. I mean, if you're burning water, there yes, well that's the steam isn't it? Boiling it. Boiling it, yeah. Boiling it. I mean, if you're burning water, there is a problem at United Utilities, isn't there? Smell going.

But anyway, yeah, I'm dressing with intent. Good. Good. Trying to think about it. Homeowner, soon to be. Don't call me that. Winter homeowner. Just a jumper.

You're gonna move in before Crimbo? What? You're gonna move in before Crimbo? Not if United Utilities have got anything to do with it. I mean, if they accepted the offer and the mortgage goes through, like my tenancy is up in January. Now we can, our landlord said we can go roll a month by month as long as we give him a month's notice, he's happy with that.

I would like to have it by January, but you know, at this stage that is tight, isn't it? That's, you know, that rolling makes it easier, doesn't it? Plus it's good if you can afford to do like a month overlap, that's great. And then you can, you know, do the magic. Well, the place I'm putting off is ready to move in. You'll do stuff, won't you? Well, it's going to be like your first house. It's just going to feel like your first place. Yeah. Because you've lived in three, four places now.

Oh, it is his first place. Yeah. Cause you've lived in three, four places now. Oh, it is his first place. Yeah, cause he's bought it. No, I'll be honest with you. The house that United Utilities is still holding me up to ransom for, that felt like home. First one.

For a bit. Different when you're buying though, I think. Yeah, it's totally different. Especially because I'm gonna immediately put my stamp on it. Like the woman, and obviously this is all a shearing this place goes through. I'm just like sort of, you know, sending out to the universe that it's happening. She's finished it really nice, but it is a little bit woman in her 50s, 60s in parts.

Great. No rodeo ball. No rodeo ball. There's HRT everywhere. Right. No rodeo ball. No rodeo ball. There's HRT everywhere. There's a lot of rodeo ball in this. Like the walls in the master bedroom are painted purple. That's fucking going immediately.

Do you know what I mean? And in the living room, they're really dark, navy blue. And I actually quite liked that, but I am going to switch that up a bit. Also, it's helly, it's fucking tiny and it's on the wrong wall. I want to get a fucking massive one that fills the opposite wall.

Obviously. I want it to look like a sports book. It's annoying when you go to people's houses and they have got the telly in the wrong place. I understand why she's got it where she's got it because she comes from an era where tellies were like fucking the size of phones on the other side of the room.

Do you know what I mean? But like I want it to fill the opposite. I'll show you it in the break. Girls don't get that. What? Girls don't understand the telly needs to be big. Women love tiny tellies. So we've got a nice telly in our bedroom. It's good size.

I was like, I'm gonna get us a bigger one because we're getting the room decorated. It's like, I'll fill the space. Why? I was like, why wouldn't you want a bigger telly? So why do you? And I was like, it's bigger. To see more bigger.

Yeah, like bigger for the telly is better on the most. She's like I don't want one. I was like well I'm going to get it and you're going to watch it and it's going to be better. I very rarely do that with Laura but when it came to the new telly she was like we don't need this and I so much of the time at the house I'm like cool baby whatever you want sound like she she's come up with the color schemes for the living room and whatever. But with the telly, I was just like, no, we get in the fucking telly. It's a big space in that part of the living room.

It's a big living room. That's on offer. I also get the VAT. I'm fucking doing it. And I just got it. And she bitched for a bit. And then we had the first movie night and she was like, no, this is God don't know.

Cause you're like, yeah, because the lying down bit of our couch, you know, you've got the little bit where you put your legs on, it's sort of there with the L is under the TV. It feels like fucking cinema. It's probably bigger in your vision than it would be at the cinema. It's class. What? I'll have to say, I saw the second one. I couldn't. Painful. Our real RIL Cinema's shutting.

It is the worst performing cinema in the country. Come round to my house, Finn. You'll be fine. When you say in the country, do you mean Great Britain or do you mean Wales? I think Great Britain. The worst performing... Is it the only one? There's only one cinema in RIL. Awoo.

Only one cinema in RIL. It's closing down. It's closing down on January 1st. You've not even got like a retail park one. Is this the... You've been to real. What retail park? Oh no, I'm thinking of Fandino. Yeah. I haven't even got an oak furniture land in real mead. Fandino is stealing all your fucking cinema by the way. So I'm going to have to get a train to my nearest cinema now. Why don't you drive? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I could drive, but I do like having an edible and go in the cinema. Oh is, yeah, yeah. I could drive, but I do like having an Edible and going to the cinema.

Oh is it? I'm going to go to the cinema. That is, I love going to the cinema. What's the, because it just makes no money? Yeah. Spend more money? I think the last time it was full was for the Inbetweeners movie too, in 2013. That was the last time I saw it full.

That's sad. That would have been 2014 actually, because I went to see that in the cinema in Edinburgh. And that was, I wasn't there in 2013. I haven't been to many films recently, they've been full. Barbie was full, but I went in London. Paddington 3 was busy on Sunday afternoon. I should have taken the kids really, but you know, you can't get tickets. What's he still doing, him? What?

Paddington. Knocking out class films. What's he doing? They're meant to be sick, I've not watched them. He went to find out Lucy in Peru. You can't be fucking coming for Paddington, who's on Paddington 3 when they're fast and furious, on number 378. That's one of the most pathetic films ever made. Paddington Bear, this time it's more Paddington.

Just don't know what he's still doing. Padboy... Padboy's 3? Tokyo Drift. Do, do, Paddington? Tokyo Drift? He went to Peru and got on it mate. Went in the jungle. Does everyone know he's a bear? General Levi, Jungle is Massive is in Paddington 3. In real life or in the film? Does everyone know he's a bear? Yeah it's not a Robbie Williams documentary. No I know that. But does everyone like, it's not, it's not a Robbie Williams documentary. No, I know that. But is everyone like, there's a cartoon bear there or is he just like part of society? No, they don't keep stopping the narrative to go, this my dad, this little consort. He's a fucking bear.

Who put this jacket on him? In the universe, Paddington bear exists. Everyone's like, yeah, that's Paddington bear. Like Ted? Yeah. Everyone's like, that's a fucking bear. Obviously not everyone's saying it. Yeah. There isn't repeated instances where someone just goes, Oh my God, the fucking bear's talking. Shoot the cunt. It would really ruin the rhythm of the film. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, no, I do. I know what you're talking about.

But you know, it's... Do they ignore it? Yeah, do they ignore the fact that he's a bear? Well, no, they adopt him. They let him live in their house. Isn't it a bit mad that we all just ignore the parrots talk sometimes? Have you heard crows talk? Or is it hawks, crows? One of them. They talk better than parrots. Are you talking to birds?

What? So they talk better than... So parrots literally just mimic, don't they? Yeah. Hawks ask you how you're doing. No, no. Is it them that can do accents? Yeah. Yeah, it's mad. Wild. They talk so much better. Parrots are like fucking bagheads when it comes to talking.

No, but they're the only animal that do it. They don't talk, do they? What do you mean, they don't talk? They're not sitting there chatting away at each other, they mimic. That's what they want you to think. Why? Because like that fucking, like whatever bit,

like they're worried we're gonna put them to wear. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Parrots are like doing that, who's a pretty boy? But really they're thinking, I fucking kill you. They just hold back from saying it. They talk. You'll be the first to get so warm. Like genuinely, it's mad that it's parrots are not like monkeys in it.

What? No, because then they won't be put put away. Just talk me through it. Monkeys are closer to people. Yeah. Than parrots. I don't think that's a controversial thing to say. Aren't we closer to bananas? Absolutely.

I'm not related to parrots. Exactly. Aren't we closer to bananas than monkeys and DNA? No. No, Carl. Google that. I'm sure we've got, we share more DNA with a banana than a monkey. No.

Surely not. Google off of it. We do share quite a lot of DNA with a banana than a monkey? No, surely not. Google off him. We do share quite a lot of DNA with a banana. Right. No, humans are closer to monkeys than bananas. Yeah, good fact. 98% of their genes with chimpanzees, human and bananas, 25%.

Still quite a lot though, and a quarter. That is a lot of banana. That's mad, innit? But you didn't know that this morning. I didn't, but I feel good now. But like, if I said to you, if you knew nothing about the planet, if you were the space alien who came down.

Which one of these animals is most likely to be able to talk? Yeah, yeah, that one. Like parrots would be low. You'd go to hippo before parrot. Yeah, they'd look like they're talking. Monkeys would be your first guess. Or 100%.

Like absolutely, parrot would be, like they'd be after meerkats. They'd be after meerkats. I put lemurs up there. Lemurs look like they chat. Goats like cows. Yeah. Yeah.

I think they'd be funny as well. Yeah. King Julian. A hundred percent. I'm, I'm, I'm with you. But like it's just mad in it. Yeah. Birds are fucking weird.

Listen to Hawks talk. Bars. They're insane. Where have you been listening to hawk 2? Apparently, they can mimic like 10 things. Hawks can do over 100. And they do accents and shit. They do like sellotape and all sorts? Yeah, it's mad. Hawks are heavy. You've seen hawks, yeah?

I have seen hawks, yeah. It might be crows, you know? It's one of them, but it's a black bird. It said here there's like Australian magpies or something. It's not Australian magpies. That's what they're going to be. Magpies over there are different. Are they?

I don't like the black and white ones. Where you going? Do you do the two for sorrow, clap your thing? Are you messing? He's doing it now probably because there's one outside. I've never seen anyone do it. Seneca does it as well. What do you do? One for sorrow, two for sorrow, crap of your thing. Are you messing? He's doing it now probably because there's one outside. I've never seen anyone, Seneca does it as well. What do you do? What do you do it? One for sorrow, two for joy. No, but when you see the magpie,

you give him a little nose. Oh, I miss the magpie. Oh, the wife and kids. That's what you said. Every time. And that's mad because if it was a hawk, they'd be like, yeah, they're doing all right. Little ones just out of nursery.

You know, doing all right. Thank you, Carl. Love the pads right away. I'm a crow, by the way. I'm a crow by the way. I'm a 10 pound fucking hawk, me mate. No, but I do that because of my mum. It's close, I think. My mum used to do it.

And so one time, and this is a true story, and this is why I do it, right? My mum and dad were driving back from London. So my mum was really like mental with it. She never just let onto them. If she seen one, she would go fucking. Ravens. What?

It's Ravens, sorry, carry on. Oh, get your fucking ornithology. You've just been watching the NFL and seeing like the players having a conversation. Like, fucking hell, them Ravens are talking. Tell you what, them Ravens got a great defense. It's Ravens. So my mom was driving back from London.

Here, my dad lived in London for a bit and they were driving back. And my mom had this thing where if she seen one magpie, she'd try and find another one so that she could say two for joy. So she'd have a look around for ages, right? Trying to find the other one. She wouldn't stop the car.

So this is the thing. Like, I don't think my dad would stop the car, but I think they'd stopped to get like petrol or a bike to eat or something. And they seen one and she spent like fucking 45 minutes trying to find another magpie and couldn't right. And when they got back to Liverpool, her nan was dead. It was the magpie.

Murdering bastards. No, the magpie didn't, the magpie, by the way, this is a common misconception with the magpie stuff. Magpies are murdering pranks. Magpies aren't evil. They're messengers. They're just coming to let you know, hey, you got bad luck coming. Oh, so they're actually good.

They're just a bit, you know, Debbie Downer. Yeah. Why didn't you just tell your mum to go around the corner and then tell her that one was another one? Why didn't I? Because I wasn't born yet, Cal. And I wasn't in the car because I wasn't born. Well, I think that's another one now.

I think my dad was just, you know, trying to get through the journey home with a mad woman who was looking for magpies. But he does it every time. Like, on the bike ride through the day, hello, Mr. Magpie. Hello, Mr. like... How many magpies is there? Yeah every time. Like on the bike ride today, hello Mr Magpie, hello Mr... Like how many Magpies is it? Yeah, quite a few on a bike ride. You see 13, it's the devil himself.

Yeah, yeah, if I see 13 Magpies at the same time, I have questions. Yeah. What if they're migrating? And also on anniversary, my mum's death and on her birthday, I always see loads of Magpies on those days. Like genuinely. And that might be like a confirmation bias or whatever. What? How many is loads? Like maybe into triple figures sometimes. You should test that. What?

Are you going to a magpie sanctuary on the anniversary of your mum's death? You should test that by not going out and see how many you see. Because if you start seeing them then, like Dair's Lee. The anniversary of my mum's death I see a test that by not going out and see how many you see. Cause if you start seeing them then, like, there's Lee. The anniversary of my mum's death, I see a lot of lions, you know, camel. I do go to the zoo. It's what she loves. On the anniversary of my mum's death, this year,

you know how my living room is in the basement? I do. And there's living room windows and if like, so the, like the ground cuts our windows enough, do you know what I mean? Yep. On that bit of ground, like I woke up and made a cup of tea and I was about to get ready to go to the cemetery

to see me mum and there was two magpies. That's joy though, isn't it? Yeah. It's never just bad luck. I just see loads on those days. Do you go to the cemetery on the anniversary? Yeah. I mean, I feel, you're sure.

I feel guilty that I don't go more often, but because I don't like have a proper solid belief in like an afterlife. Tell them what your Jack said this year. So I texted our Jack and I was like, it was fucking pissing down. Right. And it was like a Sunday. So let's just check. But yeah, absolutely fucking lashing it down. But my mom's was a Sunday, a couple of weeks ago. The only reason I remember it is because it's so important to my sister. I have to message my sister. It doesn't even register with me. So I text our Jack and I was like, I'm about

to go and get some flowers and go to my mom's grave. Do you want me to pick you up so you can come with me? And he texted me back and said, fuck it all, you don't have picked a day to fucking do this, don't you? Fucking weather like this, fucking nightmare. And I went, you know, it's the anniversary of her death today. And he was like, I didn't know that, no, I will come. Jesus Christ, she should move it like the Queen's birthday.

Do it in June. What happens if you see nine? My part is that like a girl, four for the boy, five silver, six for gold, seven for the secret, never to be told. Eight for a wish. Nine for kiss. Ten for a surprise. You should be careful not to miss. Eleven for Xbox. Sorry. 12 for wealth. 13, but where it's the devil himself. That's tri bars isn't it? Triple figures? You're at a sanctuary. Woah, don't do that Ryan. You silly cunt.

Oh my god. That might bruise my rib. Holy shit, Carl. That is an all time. I just got worried. I know we've only done 23 minutes, but I think we have to have a break after that. I don't think we can follow that. Or clip it. Please clip it. In other news, I'm a...

So just to give context for anyone who's watching the video, I'm in quite a bit of pain. So when me and Carl did our hundred kilometer bike ride the other day I Filled off me bike twice and the second time was a proper fall and landed on me ribs and on the motorway Like genuinely for 24 hours. It was alright, but the last 24 hours It's been really fucking bad than particularly the last 12 I went to A&E last night because I wanted to get a scan, but it was so busy, I think. So it's 100 quid for a private x-ray.

And I think after we're done today, before we go and do the jack around there, I'm just going to go and get it done, just to double check everything. Like blood, nutrients, or something? Yeah, I'm not sure what it is. I just Googled it before and it says, from 99 quid in Liverpool.

Just go to the dentist, and then when he tells you to put your, just do that. Yeah, they're not in the room anyway. They leave the room for a dental x-ray. love bill just go to the dentist and then when he tells you to put your just do that yeah they're not in the room anyway they leave the room for a dental they've got your teeth are fucked just get a tiny little fucking x-ray there yeah yeah it's for peace of mind you could have done many worse things for the endurance week but you've done it now. Yeah. Tell you what, I'm fucking bored of cycling. I hate it so much. I'm really looking forward to getting back to running. I don't mind it. I don't mind it. I prefer it with you. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I don't mind it. I prefer it with you. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I don't mind it. I prefer it with you. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with you. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with you. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I don't mind it. I prefer it with somebody. I Yeah, falling off a bike, fracturing a rib on a motorway. What a laugh. Seven biscuits in him. But like, and this might be the nicest thing I've ever said to you on this podcast.

Like I enjoyed spending nine hours with you. That's what I mean. I didn't enjoy, like you could have took that cycling away and it would have improved the day. It wasn't the cycling. Like if you'd have gone, hey, do you want to just go and sit in pokes for nine hours and listen to some music? That'd have been a better day, wouldn't it?

Go to the cinema. Cause to me, because we we were doing something it was like we're achieving this together That's what made it good totally like doing nine hours on me. I was like, yeah, I've smashed up I like they doing it with someone you like we fucking nailed that. Yeah. No, I was proud of us So like when you do it next week in India, you're gonna feel well But I was bored yesterday in the fourth hour of cycling I was like, this is dull and then I saw some fucking on your bed on an electric bike just fly past me and I hated him and then started pricing up electric bikes on your own it's fucking horrific like to do a really long time but I do think like the camaraderie of us all being out there we're not going to notice

30 miles have gone genuinely like there was moments the other day where we were like, we've done another 20K there. And like we just had a chat. Yeah. Like good, I hope it makes it easier. I think it's gonna be, I genuinely think it's gonna be, I feel more excited now. The fact that we've done 100K.

I'm devastated by this because like genuinely like I'm open, cause we're not cycling. Till Monday. This is probably from all the reading I've done on it in the past sort of 12 hours. I've done damage to me intercostal muscle. That's the most likely thing. I've got a double check that it's not a fracture.

And even with a fracture, you can do some exercise. You just got to make sure it's not going to like scratch one of your organs, right? Like the only way it would stop me doing anything is if like they go, your organs are in danger because then you can't do it. But like, if I've fractured this rib, I will get like, I'll get like strapped up

so it can't move much and I'll still do it. There's nothing stopping me doing it. But like genuinely, what? Get strapped on? Get bummed. Get strapped on. He's not doing anything not on the bar bummed. Get strapped on. What's that Mr. Magpie?

Boar, like right this second I couldn't cycle from me to you. Like the breathing's really fucking horrific. Freddie Quinn made me laugh so much last night, off stage, obviously. And I was wondering who was gonna do the line. And I had to tell them to stop for a minute because it was really bad. And then I went to A&E and it was too busy.

So it's really, because the other day after that cycle, I felt so good and ready. I was like, it's going to be fucking so doable. This is going to feel really fucking difficult at times, but really good. And we're totally capable of getting it done. And this is now like, why now? Why didn't I fall off me like fucking six weeks ago?

Do you know what I mean? And it would have been healed by now. But apparently an intercostal muscle, if it's a really, really bad one, which I don't think it is, I think that can take up to six weeks to heal. A medium one takes about two weeks. And like, if you've just like took a bit of a whack, which is what I'm hoping has happened,

it's several days, it says. So by the time we start cycling on Monday, I think it should be all right. You're lipping eight days since you've done it. And how's your back? You texted me yesterday. I'm scared to do anything before we get there in case it goes again.

I think you should do that because you'd rather have to hear it now than go over there and be like, oh boys, I need to go to A&E. I know what he means though, because what if, let's say you go cycling to A&E, but if he gave it one more day's rest, it wouldn't hurt. I'm not going cycling tomorrow, I was planning to.

I did 55 kilometers yesterday, I was bored. I've done loads, I'm not doing any before India. I'm not gonna make myself any fear, there's just a chance I fall off. I'm doing 20s every night. It takes me an hour. Sereka does a run around. I'm just giving this as much recovery as I possibly can.

Yeah, you should. Get me to fucking India. I'm just getting my bum ready. I'm not like, I can do 20s fine. I'll help with that. It's not hurting me. But I just want my bum to be on a seat constantly. So next week I'm like, yeah, I know where I am.

I'm giving my bum a break. I'm getting a massage on Friday though So they're gonna join me. I'm gonna get like a I want a double that we're gonna have to a massage so I'm going loose All right, let's have a break. We'll be back in a second Breaking news happens anywhere anytime Police have warned the protesters repeatedly get back CBC News brings the story to you as it happens. Hundreds of wildfires are burning. Be the first to know what's going on and what that means for you and for Canadians. This situation has changed very quickly.

Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. Welcome back to this episode of the Have A Word podcast. If you enjoy... Sandwiches go to Derek's! Two in a row. We are loving Derek's by the way. On Berry Street and also in Allerton Road and Crosby. That's Derrick's. Derrick's. You are on a butty that makes you a boss. The sandwich is a fucking boss.

Gabagool. Oh he's a good fucking Gabagool. What were you saying about our Patreon? What were you saying Dan? You should sign up to Patreon. You should buy a Derrick's butty because they're phenomenal but sign up to Patreon. Patreon.com slash have a word pod for early release of the public episodes and exclusive episode every Wednesday and all the specials we've ever done and my God, we've done a lot. And right now, if you're watching this as a pub on Monday, if you're not yet a Patreon, we call you pubes, like pubic hairs, as in like hairs that grow near the cock or a pussy. That's what you are. A hair on a cock or a pussy. Give us three quid you little rat.

But we are right now in India and we are filming ourselves doing a cycling challenge and that is going to be January special. December special by the way is the roast of have a word to the absolute stellar lineup we put together. By the way, Daniel Sloss, Tom Stade, Finn Taylor, E. Shanak, Rebecca Goodwin, Freddie Quinn, Hattie Preston, Brennan Reese. Tom's Green. Tom's Green, unbelievable. It was class.

It was class. And also starting in January, Mad That Mondays, early release of Mad That with me and Harry Robinson, interviewing some of the world's craziest, wackiest people. You sold that one. Mad That Mondays. Mad That Mondays.

Yeah, patreon.com slash have a word pod. It's three quid and the stuff you get is worth well more than three quid. Do you know it's- 28,000 lids, can't be wrong. It's four years to the day since my first day here. Jesus Christ. I see fourth birthday.

Fourth birthday. Wow. Happy birthday. It's been a while. You've come so far. You've got a microphone. I'm just thinner. You're thinner and you're so much less of a gimp.

Still gimpy? No, I... You're cool, but the perception I have of Ailey Finn was cooler. What? From the interview? Yeah. Yeah, but that changed on day one. Oh, so that was all lies.

Yeah. But anyway, it's been good for you. He, that was all wise. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, it's been a good for you. He came in going, mate, I smash bare pussy. Yeah. And I do great video graphics. So. Me bad, does.

And I do one of them things and it's the graphics. Happy birthday, Finn. Thank you. Couldn't imagine it without you. Although when you're not here, Adam doesn't realize for a while. I edited that. That was a good little, you know, morale booster last night. Didn't even fucking notice you, was't it? Thank you. No, we do notice. We

just like, we like having a laugh with you. You know what I mean? You can take it. You love it. Don't you? I love it. I do. I do. You're in therapy on you. You're fine. Less often than I was. Yeah. This is your therapy. I would just, what would you say to a world where you four years ago? 22. What would you say now to first Dave Finn? Quit the masters immediately. Okay. That's a lot of that. I've stopped playing.

Yeah. You're not good. You're wasting. No shit. Stop buying. It's all the cliched stuff. You're going to be skinned. It's all the cliched stuff.

Enjoy it. Yeah. That sorted stuff. You're going to be skinned. It's all the cliched stuff. Enjoy it. Yeah. That sort of stuff. But I've said this recently.

The horse suit is funnier than you think. Yeah. Yeah. Pull yourself together in Nashville. That's what I'd say. But I don't think I'll fully be able to appreciate this till it's done. No, same. I just don't think it's, while you're in it, it's mental. With that in mind, we're letting you go just so you can appreciate

it more. Oh no. What a time to get fired. Oh no. By the way, you are technically the fittest one of all of us and I think you should win the race in India. There's no race. I am completely delusional. I think I am going to win. I won't. By being first. By the way, that final day, as long as these aren't like this, I am fucking off. Yeah, we'll do that.

I want to be the first across that finish line, not waiting for you fucking losers. Are you going to wait for the guy who's telling us where to go? Or are you just going to, you're just going to wait, you're just going to, you're so competitive,

you just get a sense of where the finish line is. I've, you're just gonna, you're so competitive, you just get a sense of where the finish line is. I've got Apple Maps. Yeah, you have. Also, I only have to fucking sprint it the last like 100 meters, don't I? Oh, I'd imagine if someone's been at the end of the year all day and you just tip them, that's at the end, pip, bash.

And some fucker in a scooter flies past. That doesn't count, does it? No, no it doesn't. But it's, you know, a very positive thing. India. You might be listening to this from beyond the grave. They've died and they're listening to the grave. We're talking to you from beyond the grave. Who's dead Carl? And you're dead. Also we died on Saturday or Sunday. We haven't even been cycling so we've had a bad weekend there but probably you Dan. Oh right. You think I'm... Have you tried the Are you think I'm most likely for an India death? Have you tried to try my odds on favorite to die over

there? No, it's me. And it's not even from the cycling, just Indian people. It's just being a frail little boy. Say what your last thought before bed was last night. But don't do the head wobble. Oh yeah. Last night I just, uh, similar to your, your routine as I was going to sleep, all the anxiety just came in and I just went, what if I get kidnapped? For what ransom? We're not paying 13. I don't know. I was just like, when you're in, when we've been away before in like, uh, Amsterdam, if I got kidnapped there, they speak English. I'd be and I don't know. I feel like I'm on a wave. They just got a really strong accent. You just do a proper

English. Yeah. Yeah. Listen closely. Um, I'm just scared of getting kidnapped. It feels like it's lawless over there. I think that's just like a bit of, it's not even racism is it? It's xenophobia. I think we've got xenophobia towards India because I just think it's gonna be like And I know I'm wrong. I know that's xenophobia But like that's the perception I've got is that it's just shit everywhere and kidnappers and snakes trying to fucking I'm not saying that for like the city the city's gonna be The city is gonna be like a city, but

Business city the sticks and stuff. It's going to be, I'm just scared. I watched, um, monkey man. Not that long ago. And that scared me. What's monkey man? Uh, Dev Patel film, right? Where he plays a, uh, like a vigilante wrestler.

That's a monkey man in India. That was important for that bit. Yeah. Yeah. But like, you know, what are you going to Belfast that Liam Neeson is going to kick off on your eye. It's just a movie. It's not a documentary. I'm white. Yeah. So I got to Liam Neeson. I'm fine with Liam Neeson. I got told by someone who's been to India that he was in the street and he felt something on his leg like poking him. He thought it was a snake, but it wasn't. It was a child with no arms trying to get his attention to give him money.

He was like, like, like, like, like flanking like this. I've got to be honest with you, if a child with no arms can keep up with me while I'm on a bike, I am not going fast enough. Yeah, you can't, you've got no momentum have you? Nobody was just standing there and the kid was like going like, adding in his legs and he, what? And he went, give some money. And he went, no. I think you've done a bastardized version of that story. No, he said, and he also said one of them crawled into his train carriage, like a snake. Cause you had to walk.

Do you think we're going to be mentally scarred? I think I'm going to enjoy watching Carl experience India. Like it's going to be one thing for me to experience it, but then also another thing for Carl to experience. Just me watching Carl navigate this will be a lot of fun. What was your question? Do you think we'll be come back like mentally scarred? I've been told we do.

I think it changes, yeah. Like people go and find themselves, don't they? Like apparently it is a journey of like self discovery and the poverty we're going to see is going to be so much worse than like, you know, old swan. Like, so it changes what your perception of like poverty can be. I mean, I don't hope so. I don't hope so at all. But old swan is fine. I'm trying to be Tesco. You know what I mean? No, it's pretty bad. I went to that old swan Tesco and a kid with no arms was headbutting me. I know he had one arm, that's why it's not as bad. Me and Alfie walked from mine to the match. So we walked like up like Sefton Park right down, is it Lodge Lane?

So from Highton to Sefton Park and then up. And then up to Sefton Park, then down, is it Lodge Lane? Yeah. Then across Edge Lane and then into Kenny and then down Shield Road, that was our route. It's pretty straight really from ours to Anfield. And there was two women in Kensington and me and Alfie just lost it laughing

because one of them went to the other. She went, do you know what? Oh no, don't worry about it. And a mate went, what? And she went, I was going to say, just pop in there for us and get us some, a few bits. But I've just remembered, you're barred from Omen Bargain as well.

I was like, what did these women both do independently to get bar from Omenbargen? The policeman on the door caught them. This one. There's a sticker on the door. That's the sticker, isn't it? Anyway. Good luck, everyone. Just, you know, if there's something on your leg, don't think it's a snake. It's probably an armless child. Armless child? Good luck everyone. Just you know if there's something on your leg don't think it's a snake.

Probably an harmless child. Harmless child? Harmless. I said harmless. Which one's the worst of them? Harmless, harmless, harmless child. Oh there's a tongue twister for you. I was having a girl on a first date.

I was almost almost almost almost almost child. I don't know. Just the fact he said to the don't you might not be a snake as if like if a snake was to climb up your leg, you'd go. I don't want to offend that harmless that harmless harmless please it's harmless harmless homage I can't do it get that image everyone's had an aneurysm shall we do some confessions You're sitting in judgment on this. Ah, it's the sneaking one. To the top.

The courtroom. The Hortham. If you've got any confessions send them in to haveawordpod at gmail.com. Martin says, alright lids, confession for you, my partner and I have recently moved into a new apartment in Sydney and we have an elderly, miserable neighbour who likes to complain a lot. We usually see him at least once a day, but we recently noticed we hadn't seen him for a week or so. Mr. Heckles? We didn't think much of it at first and then we started to wonder if he was somehow injured and unable to get help or died in his apartment, although he might be a bit of a dick. We didn't like the idea of him being dead just a few

feet away from us and certainly didn't fancy the smell if he was. After a few days more we called the non-emergency police who said they would... is that a thing in Australia? Non-emergency police? Well there is here as well. Is it? Yeah. 101. Is it? Yeah like listen lad, not an emergency or anything but I'm out of the toilet roll and then he can tell you when his desk closes. Nice. The non-emergency police who said they would check local hospitals for him in case he was there and to leave it with them. I went to work the morning after the police calling the police and found his door had been broken in and subsequently screwed shut with a note from the police. Fast forward a week and it turns out he was on holiday in France. Not only did he have to make the long flight

from France to Australia, but also had to unscrew his door and replace his locks before he could even unpack. He has since left a note in the block saying he wants to know who called the police to thank them for their concern. But I'm certain this is a trap to get me to pay for his door. Should I? Clever. That is smart. for their concern, but I'm certain this is a trap to get me to pay for his door. Should

I confess that it was me who called the police and face whatever he has to say in response or keep quiet and not make eye contact with him whenever I see him. Alternatively, if I am due any, what should my penance be be and that's from Martin in Sydney and well what I would say is you didn't break his door the police did I thought the police paid if they damaged something like that Am I wrong there? The police did it, you didn't do it If the police kick your door down to make sure you're alright I'll be fucked your door, lads and I

Surely they'd pay for the door When are they kicking doors down though? They're usually in like drugs busts. Or if you think someone's dead, busts. Give us all the drugs. Don't worry, lad, we will pay for that door. It's if it's unlawful, they'll pay for it. But they've done that.

Like they've been asked to do it. Well, yeah, but you don't definitely have to pay for it, do you? And if you go, hey, I think he might be dead. That's what you do if someone does your head in. Just ring the police and say you think someone's dead and they'll boot the door off the hinges. And you've done nothing and they've got to put you down. Hey, I think my neighbor's dead.

But could you definitely come and check between nine and five Mondays and Friday? Get someone's door booted off the hinges for a laugh. I think you've done the right thing. I think you've done a good thing. But it does sort of, by the end of it all, you just think, should I just mind your own business? I've done the right thing. I think you've done a good thing. But it does sort of, by the end of it all, you just think, should I just mind your own business? I've done 101.

Just one of them where you're like, what, like just leave it. They are weirdly trained to be really unsympathetic because I rang 101 about similar things to this. You started laughing at her. And she, I was explaining, she's like, yeah, you're just being, like in random words, you're just being stupid.

And I was like, really serious. Someone's dead next door. Ah, I'm on sympathy. People die all the time. Fuck off. I was worried about somebody and she told me to basically just stop and hang up. It was mad.

So 101 is basically just a cynical police person who is trying to stop you ringing 999? Yeah. Right. Or it's like if you're reporting something. Like when my guitars got robbed last year, I had to film 101. Right. Because that's not an emergency.

It felt like an emergency to you. It did. The music died that day. For how long? Your guitars have been robbed. Is this Finlay K? It is. Well that's a good thing then.

Shut the fuck up. That's how long? He gets ours of being robbed. Is this Finlay K? It is. Well that's a good thing then. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, they're weirdly cold because they've got to be. They can't have emotion. They can't be like, oh my god, are you all right? Yeah, I suppose that makes sense though, doesn't it Carl? Oh my god, it's dead!

Oh, this is awful. I was just juggling. No, but I was ringing up worrying. A fire in your house? No! Oh, I'm getting out of here, my spread. No, but she was like, stop worrying, you're being stupid. You know, and I couldn't see the wood for the trees.

And then afterwards, when we look back, I'm like, she was right. But in the moment, I was like, you're being so unhelpful. And she's just gone off experience of going like, no, I've just lived through this more than you. I get this conversation 10 times a day. And she was right. But it's a weird thing to be like worried.

And the person who did the phone doesn't give a fuck. So what if he admits to the old guy he goes, hey, I phoned the police we were worried about you and the guy goes, well you fucking can't pay for my door. That's just a kiss my ass. So I just go no I'm not paying for your door. I was trying to fucking save your life or at least get you buried. Because you just might have stunk.

Yeah you stinking me gaff out. Fuck your door. we've talked about something similar me and you off pod go on when if my mum doesn't answer for like an hour she's dead this is it catastrophizing it's done if i'm especially having a good frig session to prado oh like if normally what it is she normally phones and goes sorry you know it takes an hour i was frigging if somebody's normally what it is, she normally phones and goes, sorry, you know, it takes an hour. I was frigging. If somebody's like, I'm coming to your house now. He's leaning in four years in and he's leaning in. If you get to about half an hour later and you're on the motorway, I'm like, oh, she's been in a 45 car parlour, a car park and she said, if you're late, I'm, I think the worst. What happens if I don't answer the phone? I hate you for your phone. You know, I know we've spoke about it a million times. You never ring me. Because there's no point.

It is at this point, it's past the joke. It's starting to get annoying. What do you mean? No, like I used to joke about it. Now it's just like, are you taking it? How many times I bring you today? I used to ring Laura as well. Yeah, that's when it worked. Did your new phone go louder? I left 13 missed calls and then you went hello. It's needy that. Even I went hello. I went what do you mean hello? But you're not even ringing him because his phone doesn't ring. It does ring. Unless he's looking at his phone. It might as well not be ringing. Can you please stop that?

Like no jokes. What did you need me for? To an a payment, a really, really important one for your visa. Right. Why have you not got your card? It goes to yours, it's your visa, paid off your card. No it's not, it's the business card. Yeah but it's to your um, ah because it's your name on it. Stay. Um, Dan have you got, have you got an iPhone now? You said you've upgraded your phone. Yeah, I've got a new iPhone. It's the new Google iPhone. It's really good. It's class.

Okay, what, you've got a new phone and you still haven't got an iPhone? Yeah. Can it ring? Yeah, it can. Yeah, yeah. Hang on. What's going to happen when I ring you? Yeah, let's see.

Don't you touch that phone. Don't look at it either because that silences it. Right, I'm ringing Dan. I need him. Oh, that's your phone. Look, there you go. Carl's ringing. Does it even vibrate? No.

Why? Because this is where he is. That's mental. Because then I'd have to speak to you. Well, what happens if it's always important? Otherwise I wouldn't ring you. It's true. Stress. I tell you what, you're going to put it on vibrate. I'm going to put it on vibrate. Is that, can I make this concession? Do you never lose your phone like in the house?

Sometimes. How do you find it? I have to just find it. If mine wasn't on loud or vibrate, I'd never, I'd have lost like thousands of phones. Might as well just be phone. I don't lose it much but when I do it is a problem. And then someone always rings it for me like you did it the other day I was like where's my phone and you did the nice mate thing and I didn't have the heart to be like that is absolutely zero help. Tom vibrate I'm a changed man. God for that. I'm looking forward to all the calls. What is the point of you having a phone though? Why don't you just have a tablet?

You've got an out, but you've got an outward going phone. Yours doesn't work in. Because unless you're looking at it, you would never know someone's ringing you, would you? It's just got done it. Yeah, yeah. I see the missed call and I know they've rung. Oh, don't, because I'll batter them. It's great.

It's always work-related as well. It's never like, you're all right, mate. Oh yeah. No, it isn't, is it? No. But it can be now now because I'm on vibrate Can't wait Bring him again What happens if like I'm not doing him?

Bring him again. What happens like an emergency happens like no Jack's gone to prison It isn't vibrate You wouldn't even feel up in your pocket. I mean you would it't vibrate. You wouldn't even feel that in your pocket. I mean you would it's vibrate. Sorry for the people at home getting to witness this but it riles me up. It's absurd. Let's start with one. Read some questions now.

Don't be so fucking dismissive. You never, this is never your problem. Oh it was in London. Yeah you got in a party about that. Anonymous. All right, Lids, got a confession here. On a special recording, my phone was still on. I can't get a taxi in London.

Shut up. When I was 17, I was staying at, when I was 17, I was staying at my, and then you got a taxi. Like, come on. When I was 17, I was staying at my mate's girlfriend's house. While they were going to pound town, I was chilling with her best mate. Then she tried to make a move on me, but I wasn't that into it and I was struggling to get hard. So I went into

the toilet and I found a thong on the floor. So I wanked into them to get hard, which worked. I put them into my pocket, not thinking too much. It wasn't until the next day I got home, I remembered they were in my pocket and that night I used them to wank in and Oh my pocket, not thinking too much. It wasn't until the next day I got home, I remembered they were in my pocket and that night I used them to wank in and oh my god, rough one anonymous. A couple of days later, my mate and his girlfriend broke up because her mum's thong had gone missing and she was sure it was him who took them. I've never told my mate this, we are both now 25, so I don't think he would care, but they were together since they were 13. So I do feel bad. What is my Jermaine Penance? Well, a few things here. I ate all of this story. You were a 17 year old struggling to get hard. Was this woman a full on wall or

a truck? Northwesterly breeze would do it for me at 17. I think it was just permanently hard. Yeah. Like I used to get like full on raging boners being on the bus for like four minutes. And your mates fucking upstairs and there's a girl trying to fucking make a move. Was it like a UFC move or like a sexual move? Got him in a camora. So, I mean, there's something wrong with your cock. I'm telling you that right now, your cock doesn't work properly because at 17 it should like anyone even like breathing on you, you should be whatever never mind like that is insane also you can tell them and there's no way this is the only

thing that broke up a four-year relationship so eight years ago now my mum's knickers have gone missing it's got to be you it's got to be you you're the only other person that's been maybe they got lost in the wash no no it's you and i'm putting this four year relationship in the bin because my mum's knickers went missing also shout out the moment he leaves the knickers on the floor in the bathroom when everyone's around classic move nice i mean yeah you can tell him it's eight years ago give him time and like if he kicks off you go look like I mean what you should have done is told him at the time. No, what you should do is get access to this house again.

Put them back. Put them back somewhere you don't think they'd have seen them for eight years. No put them back right where you found them. I'm telling you right now if he's still got them, that is the biggest problem of all isn't it? No but it's like. He gets them out of the cabinet. No, but they'd be like, they'd get you going. Then when they know the fucking deceit and the lie that's involved in them knickers, I'd be using them every

day. Eight year old dirty knickers. Yeah. Oh, Lord. They moved out. Put them back. Like ghost knickers breaking and entering. Um, so is that his penance? He's got to put them back exactly where you found them. Yeah. There they are. And if you haven't still got them, you're free. You should still have these. These should be like regular usage for you. And your penance is not being able to use them anymore. Has he washed them though? In eight years? Has he washed them? Why would you wash them? Because they're eight years old and you've been wanking into them! Into them? Into them!

Then what's up with keeping them then? Oh, I've got these lovely pair of clean knickers, that turns me on. Just go to the shop and buy some if that's what you're into. Clean knickers. No, you want filthy ones. What if it's your film? He can't have come on them. Eight years!

Yeah, no, you just come near them. Oh, just in the vicinity. Eight years, I did! I did my wedding! I don't want Adam to have broken ribs, but it is funny every time you laugh and you do like the Pledge of Allegiance. Oh, that's good. It's so bad.

Eight years, I did. I think the dogs aren't enjoying the guest. Oh shit. It is Jamie. Toby says wag wag lids. I have a confession. An old lady gets on my bus, but she has mobility issues and uses a walking stick. She always needs help getting off the bus, but she proper stinks of piss. So I try to let two or three in front of me so I don't have to help her or smell her I told my girlfriend this when we were getting off the bus she said I'm a horrible nasty man do I deserve any penance no no you don't deserve any penance so you just

don't want to sniff an old woman's piss I think that's all right actually I'm joining you know your responsibility is she oh we're gonna have to the elderly why don't get on the bus then. We can't get off it. Is that out of the kitchen? Can't come late. It's not your, it's the bus driver's responsibility if anyone.

Yeah, he's meant to lower it, isn't he? Yeah. And also, like if you- Oh, the- Yeah, right. Nah, I would like, I'm sorry. Like I would help an old woman off the bus as long as she didn't think of piss.

If you just think of piss, like what's on your hands? Could be full of poo. I'm not fucking helping you. Been too windy have you? Take me hand, take me hand, be a love and help me off. Is this shit Margaret? I'm not touching you again. I'm not, I'm sorry. I think you've upped the ante on this one, haven't you? She could stink of piss. You're not responsible for pissy old women.

I know, but if she's in need guys, she's in need. You don't want a wash. I'm not washing her either. Someone bathe me. This is my stop. Wash me. No. No. I'm not washing you. Get someone else to get your son to wash you. I ain't got a son. Get your daughter to wash you.

He drowned in me piss. Got that got bleak didn't it? You don't have to help piss the old women off the bus. They should be able to get off the bus themselves. It's not your job, is it? When are you allocated that job and you get on? You're a piss man today. Love that poem. Last one, Tom says, wag wag lids.

I've got a shameful story that I wish to receive penance for. I had to leave it long enough for the trauma to wear off. So I'm a big gay. I promise you, he wrote that. So I'm a big gay. I promise you, he wrote that. So I'm a big gay and I went on a grinder hookup with a trans girl. All was going great. She was a nice lass. We got dinner before the inevitable so I didn't feel like a complete slag.

I chose a banging beef brisket chili with heaps of cheese. Dinner concluded and we headed back to my place. This is where I found out she's a bit of a dominant. Now at this stage, I hadn't done a whole lot of gaying. So I panicked and went to use the old manual Japanese toilet, if you know what I mean, hoping for the best. I don't know what he means. Shower?

He's washing his ass. Are we just like, yeah, he just sort of throw some water up the batty. I won't drag it on pretty much. I pooed all over myself, her, my bed, my sense of self-worth and it was a steamer. It was at this moment I wanted to leap into a wood chipper, but she was very understanding and supportive I went and reconsidered my life in the shower changed the bedding and apologized profusely Much to my surprise she wanted to carry on after and the first and the first thing she did was snuffle for truffles

like a dog trying to lick an ice lolly through a letter box. Please give me penance and release me from this weighty sin. That's from Tom. What penance do you need? She knew you'd had a chilli and she bummed your head off. You don't need any penance. There's always a risk of poo if you bum someone. There just is and you have to accept it. There's poo in there. It's where the poo lives. Yeah. There's no penance here. What have you done? You've pooed. Big, big wop. Big wop? The Italian? No need for penance. She's bumped your head off.

Imagine. Come out of the shower. Right, listen, you big wop. I've pooed, get over it. Is that racist? Is this wop racist? I think it's so old school, it doesn't count. It's also white on white, so it's fine. Is it naughty though? It doesn't say it's racist, it's just derogatory. But we knew that.

It's derogatory to an entire race. It's not racist. It says, it says, it's just derogatory. It's derogatory to an entire race. It's not racist. That's Marion Webster. Who's she? I don't know. Yeah, you've pooed? She sounds like an absolute trooper doesn't she? Pooper trooper. She's a pooper trooper. Well done poop trooper I well done I know she fucking licked your ass afterwards yeah she's not bothered you pooed all over and she licked your ass afterwards she loves it she might have wanted you to maybe that's why she fed you I think she's done the old you know you should be a couple she's done the old we've got to have a break yes there's no following that there's no there's no penance for your lad.

Pooin's involuntary all the time. It isn't. Pooin isn't involuntary most of the time. Unless you're a baby. Yeah. He doesn't say how old he is. You know, be a big gay baby. Read between the lines. An Italian trans woman who likes poo. Now that is a poor

niche. There's not going to. And you don't part. Ladies and gentlemen, we've just realised because he told us that this is his first time on this couch. Jamie Hutchinson's here ladies and gentlemen. Back. That's mental, because we've been here two years now. I know, because every time I come here I tend to just guest host. It's been three times at least on it, in the two years we've been here I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there's one guy on YouTube who waits me on a guest host, so I love that. Love that for you. This is dedicated to you. What did he say? What did he say? I hate him! There's all of it. Yeah, it's funny though.

Love it though. There's like, we've got like regular trolls who are like patrons, like people like, I'm a ten pound patron lad, I love absolutely everything you do, but can you tell Carl to never say another word again? Because obviously my ten pound is more important to you than, you know, your best friends in school and the guy who edits all the episodes or at least you still. I spent that ten pound on buying something you don't like. I didn't have you down as a comment checker.

You give off the vibe of like not asked. Cause it started off all positive then what I got one negative and I was like, fuck off. It's like, you're an arsenal got beat against United or Trafford. It's like 49 and all. Do you know what I mean? I can read 15 positives, one negative will ruin an afternoon for me.

Are you doing the same on Hot Water Green Room comments? No, no, no. It's just ours. Mute and leave now, mute and leave. But every time I'm on a different pod, I'll just check the vibe, see what's going on. Just see how your balls are getting licked. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See if you get called out for repeating anecdotes or what. Do you repeat stories? The thing is, especially the ones in London and that, I just get asked. They have whiteboards and everything. Mad London podcast mate. They have agendas and that, do you know what I mean? This is fucking- Loads of them now, not just two anymore. Proper auto queue and all that, fuck off mate. Tell us about you brother, tell us about gambling. Oh so they see the Dr. Catford clip, get you down and they're like basically want you to do it again. Make me repeat it, yeah.

Just force me to say the line, Bart. Just watch Have A Word. Just play the clip. 147. What's it? Episode 147, yeah. You suit the orange of the couch, mate. Yeah, man.

How you getting on? Me? Good. Fuming. Nice. But in a good way. Why are you fuming? It just like humbles you a bit. Do you know what I mean? Why are you fuming? Just skint again. Why are you skint again? Have you spent all your tour money? He's just gone on a fucking national tour. I know. How many dates did you do? 64. Only extended it eight times. And you skint. Yeah. There's no way you spent, you were making good money. Every single show sold out and your tour manager's your mate. I know.

I got a good tour deal. What did you buy? I tried to be a professional roulette player. You said this before? I just went down a rabbit hole and thought, this is me proper roulette. Cause you're not doing as much coke anymore either No, that's not that in the head Medical reasons. Yeah. Yeah, my girlfriend's allergic to having a laugh

So you're enjoying yourself there yeah, you can pick one Drugs booze or gambling. I'm not getting rid of all three. You can have one. I'll just pick Coke. Which one would you have happy to leave? Is Coke the one? That's probably bronze medal, yeah. I need to gamble and drink. I like Coke. But I can have a cake without a cherry on. But I'm not having flour and eggs and a cherry. That's mental. You'd be starving. So how often do you quench your thirst for gambling? For gambling? Most days.

You got anything on right now? What? You got anything on right now? Oh I had a fucking horse yesterday, beat on a shot head man, 10 to one, got beat with 22 to one shot. And it was only a head on the line. So it was a head bob. And one stride before the line, I was winning. One stride after the line, I was winning. But on the line, fucking won. I was just shambled. You're one of the people that has like a long, like at the end of the season, you have like,

do you have like full season bets? Yeah, but for horses. You have horse season bets? Yeah. How does that work? How the fuck does that work? You pick a horse to win in the future. Is that not all betting?

It's all betting, yeah. I won last week. Yeah, yeah, lad. 100 quid on that please, that horse to win yesterday. Did win, yeah I know. So the centrepiece of my year is the Cheltenham Festival in March. We are fully aware, yeah. But I'll put bets on...

Is that like your Chinese New Year? Is that like Hutchie's New Year? Yeah, yeah, yeah. As soon as Cheltenham finishes, my first bet for Cheltenham next year goes on. Because the odds are much bigger. So are you doing it season to season, Sheltnam to Sheltnam? Yeah, yeah. So say, for example, there's a horse called Brighter Days Ahead and it comes second in the Mares-Noffices hurdle last year. Just say.

But it should have won. It was clearly the best horse in the race, got a bad run, whatever. So it was 10 to 1 to win the mayor's hurdle this year. So I got 10 to one for it and now it's five to two. So I've got the value. It might not win, but I've got the value. That's the most important thing. But that is the thing with gambling.

You're a statistician essentially, aren't you? You're already in profit. Even if you lose, you've won. Yeah, I could cash that. I could cash that now. But he is though. If you get a five to two also, 10 to one mate, you've already won. You could sell that bet to someone. Yeah, I could cash out. If you get a five to two also 10 to one mate you've already won. You could sell that bet to someone. Yeah. For double the money. You probably could.

There'll be people who buy that bet off you. Like for what it would cost them a fight. Like yeah. But he doesn't. No. No. No. Never sell. No. Never ever. Anyone watching never cash out. No I do sometimes. No. If Churchill cashed out after Dunkirk, then I'll be speaking German. That's on the wall. Got away with a draw there. Cash out, cash out. I don't think he should have been allowed to bet on the welcome of the second world war because he was involved with it. That's fucking Ivan Tony shit. He was the Ivan Tony of his day, Churchill. That's what Chamberlain did.

Oxlade? No. Neville Chamberlain. That's why he fucked off from the war mate. Cause he had the bet on? Yeah, it was too defensive. He was like, no, no, no. We're like, yeah, get your fucking better slip out there mate. He's got Nazi over four. He brought it back. Nazi occupation over 8.5 countries. Come on lad. Do you ever bet on like strictly come dancing winners? I had a bet on the one arm plodding big brother, but he got evicted just cause I liked his

intro pecking someone's leg. Yeah. So I'm going to have GK Barry in the jungle. I think she'll get like a lot of Twitter votes. You got a, you got a pig who's going to be the Twitter. No, Tyrone Dobbs. He's in there. Isn't he? I'm only watching. I'm a cyber. So Tyrone gets at by a snake. I want to do celebrity boxing with the cunt. Why? What's your beef? I want horse or what should be? He knows what he did. Does he? Yeah. But we want to know? September 2000. Who's this? Oh it was on the telly. Tyrone from Corridan. A year to the day. You can't immediately picture Tyrone from Corridan. Remember that woman he used to bat at him? I don't know if I got a bit less handsome. No. Wasn't he? I can't. Cursed her I think.

Noah's beard he used to bat at him? Yeah cursed her. Was he he? I can't. Cursed I think. Is Noah's beard used in bathrooms? Yeah cursed. Was he cursed? I think so. He's more of an EastEnders man you forget. Oh yeah yeah. So, Fiona. There's filming at the allotments near us. Vera Jack Tyrone. The Duckworths. The Duckworths. So me mum goes, come get an autograph for me. So she sends me to the allotment, stand her around in the rain. Do you know that kid in the stand video? Yeah. I was like that book Tyrone. So I'm there waiting outside this allotment. Yeah. And the same quiet on set and all that. I felt, fuck, I'm going to get an, I'm going to like just knock about. Do you know like how

Thomas Turgu's got this is England. Yeah. He was just like knocking about when fucking I could be like a duck with it. So just stand up like Terry or whatever. So I was just standing around trying to get a bit of extra work and all that because I'm a hustler. Tyrone comes off you as I about early twenties. Then I think we'll have to get his age up and he's like stropping about and everyone had been signed and he left me in the rain. He went nah and walked off from me. He went oh Tyrone can you sign this? He just walked off. So I was like I felt so humiliated in front of you know girls and that like just being walked off by Alan Howell. So then Liz Dorn comes in. Liz Dorn. I know the pussy you'd have got if you'd have got that English.

Liz Dorn matriarch, proper. She goes, you never do that to a fan. Now you go back and sign that lads autograph. It's the only autograph I ever had because I was haunted by the experience. Did he sign it tied on or Alan? Alan, Alan Holson. What do you think you did that put him off?

He was just like, I'm tied on, do you know what I mean? I think you, again, he was being a moody little cunt, I think it was method acting, I've said it before, method actors, they're only binning off, mate. On an allotment in Gorton? You're sulking on an allotment, you're not being Aberdam Lincoln, do you know what I mean? Fuck off, lad. What do you mean Daniel Day-Lewis? Yeah.

How old were you? Tyrone's playing. Me? 33 and a half. How old were you? Tyrone's playing. Me? 33 and a half. How old were you then? 10. He was 18, I've just googled it at that point. 18, yeah. Yeah.

He's been a little... Also the only grown man who's still come to his age, you know. He's been playing three quarters. Yeah, he was just a twat to me, so I hope he gets injured. I'm glad he's on it. I'm glad he's on it. I'm glad he's on it because the public have finally understood. Because I've been banging this drum for decades. Everyone said, what Tyrone?

I was cheering when Kirstie batted him. I was cheering when Kevin shagged Molly. Molly, that's the one? Yeah, I was like, yeah, fuck off, lad. He's a rat, I'm telling you all now. And everyone's like, no, it's Tyrone, what you on about? You just cause you EastEnders buyers.

So it's not me EastEnders buyers. That's why I went to EastEnders in the first place because of these cobbles men like that. Oh, he put you off, Connie for life. He put me off, Connie for life. Weasel. Has he been killed off yet? Tyrone?

I don't think so. Nah. Surely he's going in cause he's still on it, yeah. Shambles mate. Kirk dragged him. Oh, kexel. Absolute Kirk merchant. Kirk dragged him. Kirk saw them. Absolute Kirk merchant. Kirk gave him a career.

He's like a homophobic slayer. He's a Kirk staff paddock. He's just hanging around Kirk and getting stashed. Who else has any Colleen Rooney's in it? It's a good year this year. I actually knew everyone apart from one of them. Can you get the list up? Rebecca Vardy and GK Baddy.

Do you know GK Baddie? She's on TikTok. Saving Grace podcast. It's really big. She's a popular suggestion for the guest for us as well. We had her agree to come on at one point, but like the date didn't work out. Yeah.

Guy-Art McFly's favorite. Oh yeah. Baddie 6, GK Baddie 6, the one's a bet though. Does she do loads of stuff with the Beatle Squad? Every fucking minute. Possibly. Oti Mabusi is the first one. Oh, from Strictly. From Strictly.

That'll be next week. Alan Halsall, Tyrone. Jane Moore from Loose Women. Dean McCulloch, he's the one I didn't know from radio one. I know he's the radio one man, voice man. I knew his voice. I didn't know his face. No one knows me face. Yeah. Talisa, uh, Melvin O'Doom. Who sounds like a bad guy. Melvin O'Doom. He's a DJ. He's I know him from like kids TV. He was a kids TV presenter when I was like, right. Younger. Um, clean Rooney,

Barry McGuigan, GK Barry, Danny from McFly. That's it. It's not a bad hole. I mean, I don't know. He's got to be one. Like that's gotta be one of the favorites. He's going to be a little genie, a little Irishman and he's going to be winning all the women's Barry McGuigan. The loser in Barry McGuigan champion. Yeah. The boxer. Any? Yeah. The boxer, isn't he? Yeah, yeah. He'll be teaching GK Barry how to box and they'll have like a father daughter relationship and then they'll be the last two.

And like the Bucky's favourite will be GK Barry by then and it'll be a big shock and he'll fuck them in. Oh, the baddies together? Yeah. Soul Patches is a good, good, uh, form lines to go in because of Charlie Brooks. Charlie Brooks, wasn't it? How long ago was that though? What? Who's Charlie Brooks? That's like wasn't it? How long ago was that though?

What? That's like a decade ago. Janine. Oh yeah. Had like ham. Has anyone ever actually been injured by a snake? I know you're wishing it on Tyrone. Loads, Dan. Has there been?

People die every year. Specifically on the TV show we're talking about. Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've had the stats up. 48,000 people minute. Someone's not a snake bite. I'm there. Yeah, I think so. But like the health and safety now is just so like they take all the teeth off all the fucking snakes before they put you in like the snake pit and stuff. That's PC PC gone mad. And woke nonsense. Yeah. You know, you went, you said before, like there's a no cash out rule. I've started cashing out., like last week I had a three team, I could on in the champions

league trouble. Yeah. Uh, sorry. I don't know the lingo. Okay. I didn't know that. Why is that on a quad? So I had two that were like death. in and one of my teams was winning by one goal and I think the total win was like 1380 quid and they offered me a cash out of like 1358 and it was like three minutes added on and I was like, like I'm not, I'm for 25 quid, I'm not gambling like 1300. What value do you put on your masculinity? About 1300 quid. Really?

Would you not cash that out? Nah, I'd let it ride. Did it win? Would it have won? It would have won, yeah. I like the jeopardy of losing anyway. Losing makes me feel good to be honest. Does it? It makes you feel, do you know what I mean? You know what, I like losing if it's a close one, because I like to complain.

Yeah, that's what I mean. Like, oh, it's one off there. Look at that. You get that. I think losing like that is fine as long as you're mainly winning. You know, like the losing, keeping you humble once in a while is great. But if you're mainly losing, that's not making you feel alive, is it? Who's mainly winning? I lose all. I've never won a bet I don't think. I put it on.

Every time I see Adam put a bet on. He only shows you the winners. He could literally close his eyes, bang, and oh there, 12-1. He shows you the winners. No, that's not true, Carl. Remain logged in. That profit and loss section's humbling. Don't click on that.

I did have a lot of that. I think I'm probably like £300 down because I don't win. I put bets on that. Lifetime. Yeah, I'm not a big bet. Do you remember like your best ever bets? Oh yeah. What's your best? What's your number one? What's your number one?

Well, my best bet ever was a loser. I take back what I said. Jamie's just reveling. But morally this is genius by me. It was this horse called Langadon. The Tyrone of horses. And it was running in a trial race for Cheltenham festival. Had to win to qualify. So it weren't yet qualified for the Cheltenham race. So I thought I'm gonna bet on it to win this Cheltenham race at 66 to one, but it had to qualify. I thought if it qualifies, it's gonna go off 10 to one. So that's what I'm taking the risk at.

Get it at 66 to one, bang, qualifies, buzzing. Then it runs at Cheltenham, the last race at Cheltenham festival, Martin Piperdell. And it's just been hammered in, gets hammered into nine to one, yeah. I've got 66 to one for it. It's fucking tanking, double handed. And it bumps into a horse called Galloping Deschamps, which has since won back to back gold cups and it's one of the best horses ever. It just happened to bump in to one of the best horses of all time. But I got 66 to one for it.

But you lost. I lost, yeah. Here when you talk about gambling, by the way. Here when you talk about gambling is the same sort of like, I sort of know what you're talking about, but I can't quite understand all the lingo that I get when I listen to like Brian Cox on Joe Rogan. Like it's the same level of insight. Like him talking about the universe, like I've heard of Mars and Jupiter and that, and I've heard of horses and like odds and stuff, but you can speak so intelligently about this shit.

It's like, you should be like a doctor of gambling. It's enthralling. It's enthralling. You should get like an honorary doctorate one day from like Manchester Met. Yeah, it's not gonna be like Oxford, is it? Get signed one of those little pens. Would you not do like a commentary?

Cause it sounds like you'd love that. I did it. I did one thing for the sports from once where it's like, like an arm, the last Bible sort of page. And they went, yeah, just want to get your thoughts on the weekend sports and stuff. So yeah, that sounds like a bit of me. So I used to do it in my dinner break

when I worked at direct line. So it was just like in a book is saying like, oh yeah, you're not, you're not gonna play, I think, over 2.5 goals and both to score for that game. Cause both defenses a week, this also win the big race of the weekend. I think blah, blah, blah. And then he went, what we're thinking just to judge it up a bit. Cause you're a comedian. It's called around the bookies and sort of take the piss out of people who've just lost and I'll get killed on the spot. You want me to, you're like in the face with a camera, you just put your bollocks on that dog there, aren't you? What are you going to

tell the missus? I'll get killed. You didn't do it? No, did I? Fuck. I said, no chance mate. I'll just give me a little tips and go. That'd be a good sketch though. It'd be like, it would be good. It'll be a good punishment for I can practice with Joke and stuff. Oh yeah. Type game. Funny.

But yeah, don't press a man when he's lost his money on the dog, man. Have you been to Cheltenham? You've been down to the Gold Court? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been. Is that bigger than any footy match for you? Like is that? It's bigger than Christmas.

It's bigger than Christmas? Yeah, we don't do Christmas because we do the Cheltenham Gold Cup because when I was a kid. Here's me question, if it's bigger than Christmas and I will let you carry on in a sec, you can choose right now the horse you've got for Cheltenham booked in already. Do you choose that horse wins or United beat Liverpool in the return fixture this year and then finish above us. I'd probably have United to finish above us here. It means we get Champions League 40 in that. But Christmas for me is meaningless because the best part about Christmas is I only care

about the EastEnders Christmas special. That's where the year begins and ends. It's getting so exciting now because it's mid-November, so it's the start of Red Week, Blue Week. So, Red Week, Blue Week. I watch this year's EastEnders and previous year's EastEnders. 2005 this year. I'm usually 19 years behind. Sometimes 18 if I do two years in one.

So what I do, I have to have a month in Loo. I have to have a month behind here. So I have a month of current Eastenders on iPlayer ready to go. So in July, I'll watch June's episodes, and et cetera, et cetera, because I need to binge watch it. Then How'd you get the month in a loop?

What? On iPlayer? Oh right so you re-watch them? Yeah and on 2005 I've got a master sheet from 1998 to 2012 every episode on a Docs form. Unbelievable master sheet. That you made? No no. Master sheet. That you made? No, no. Contacts.

I know, I got it a long time ago. So, the week towards Christmas Day Christmas Week I'll watch a whole month and then the only episode I'll watch live is Christmas Day episode because imagine watching a month of all the storyline bubbling and coming to the surface and coming

to the simmer then it's just ready to pop when you watch the live one so that's why I have to watch a month in one go. Oh is it live now Christmas? No I mean live. Oh sorry yeah yeah. So you Netflix, you Netflix binge? Yeah, yeah. But by just sort of stockpiling? Yeah and so I'm like I've got a month for no Eastenders that's when I go into 2005. Because God forbid you go a whole month without. Oh, so

right let me get this straight. So on like the 1st of July you watch all of Dunes in like a day or two. Yeah. And then for the rest of July, you're watching 2005. So that you're still watching EastEnders every day, but not as it's getting released. Exactly. And then on Christmas day. That is unbelievable commitment by the way. And it's, I'm so blown away and impressed by this.

On Christmas day, I'll have a 2005 Christmas special at seven. AM. No PM. Right. 7 PM. Tiffy Bean! Just a fucking memory stick. It's bean!

So, um, then I'll have an hour to digest that and my food. And then nine o'clock is real life EastEnders. So everything marries up. I have two Christmases essentially every year. Have you got a favorite Christmas special ever? Is it the Max Brannan one? Yeah, it's gotta be. It's gotta be Max Brannan surely.

That's definitely up there. 02 is good. What's 02? Jamie Mitchell dying. Oh yeah. What about the Dirty Den one? Is that Christmas? No, February 18th.

Hello, Princess. No, that's a fabulous memory. February 18th, Dirty Den. What, when he got killed? Yeah, four years before my 14th birthday. Remember it well. 10th birthday? 14th.

05. 18th of February Remember it well. 10th birthday? 14th, 05, 18th of February, 05, 30 then died. So what's happening in the 05 EastEnders now? The 6. Huh? What?

The 6. It's Beppe, isn't it? They've pinned Marko in the eye. He's gone to be a poker player, him. Sicken. Gambling in EastEnders. The character or the actor? The actor, Michael Greco, the big six. So very similar to a day then sort of plot line do tend to mirror each other every few years.

Um, they killed the fuck Keanu off and the six, all got together. Keanu Reeves was in, he's done it, I don't know if you know. Playing himself. All got together to like, mask up the death of Keanu. And then it's like coming to the floor, like what actually happened and stuff. Sick. Can I ask you a question? My mum used to watch all the soap,

so I used to dip in and out of them and stuff. What do you think about the fact they brought Dirty Den back from the dead? I hate it. I hate it. Because... Do you know about that? Yeah. Dirty Den was killed off. He used to watch it.

So not only did they bring him back from the dead, there was no period of admin. Do you know where like he just owns the Vic, he went, but he's dead according to British records. How was his name on the deed to the... There's no admin. Do you know what I mean? There's no admin there. So he just turned back up and he was like, this is my pub still. And they were like, yeah, yeah, of course it is. No, he goes, hello, princess. Yeah. Damn.

Like, oh, fucking hell, then. We heard you were dead. Anyway, here's your keys back, love. So then he scams Sam out of the Vic. He frames Phil for armed robbery, so Phil gets arrested, breaks out of prison, does a runner to Brazil, sorry. And then- C. Graz Kemp, innit? Yeah, C. Grant. And then Dirty Den, so Sam's looking after all the businesses

and Dirty Den scams Sam out of the Vic to get back on it. But his name goes on the deed. It's just like accepted. Then in modern Eastenders, Cindy comes back from the dead from witness protection. Cafe has also been back from the dead and it is the rub. When Sydney introduces herself back to Cafe, Cafe has the perimeter to have a go at Cindy for coming back from the dead. You come back from the dead as well. Is that Ian's mum? Yeah. She, she's so faint. She was. Jillian Tailforth.

Jillian Tailforth. Oh my God. I don't know the name. Didn't dirty den kill a guy in real life? Yeah. No he wanked on the cam. Court wanking, yeah. No, but didn't he kill a guy as well, Leslie Grantham? I'm pretty sure. No, it was Marcus Alonso. That's what I was thinking.

I'm always getting dirty, and then I'm planning on eating red flax mix up. He did kill someone from, he shot someone in Germany. What am I Googling? Who am I Googling? Leslie Grantham wanking. No, Gillian Tailpipe, what was her name? Gillian Tail? Tailforth. What about her?

Apparently she's fifth. Yeah man. Oh yeah. So good isn't she? She looks like Bartlett. A little bit of GT mate. I love your in-depth knowledge of, have you got, yeah it's insane. Should do like an EastEndersers throwback podcast. Right. I think you're doing it. Do you remember that night we did South Shields? Yeah. You're the first night when I got pissed on my own downstairs. I messaged former agent of ours, mine for a week, Lander.

Yokes is head of global podcasts. I texted him at two in the morning saying, Albert squared me and celebrity guests discuss our very EastEnders characters. I would listen to that. I didn't watch EastEnders. I used to love it. It's a classic EastEnders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd listen to that. What did Lander say? Stop texting me at two am. He just blew take me and deleted it. So, so I was sending that, I just got in my head.

I was having, I was having pints and watching East Enders on my phone. Like this is fucking real this. You were, you were having a pint and watching East Enders on your phone in the bar of the Hilton and Gator. That's what I do all the time. My, my post gig ritual, if I'm staying over, is pints and East Enders on my phone. I fucking love you, you know? I think that's so sick.

Like, if I was proper into a show, the way you went into that, like the idea of having a pint on me own in the boozer, earphones in, just watching that. You could never get bored. There's too much to not, you could watch an episode for the first time in 20 years and it would just be fresh. Plus he pisses so you can re-watch it the next day, you know what I mean? The zenith of happiness. Are you earphones in?

Oh yeah yeah yeah. He's not broadcasted East End, this is the Hilton Gator, is he? I don't think he cares. Got me wired headphones as well. Why? Just, it don't feel like you're listening to anything with, I like to hold on to the wire. I don't think you've got all of the autism, did he? There was a little mold left on the cheese for flavoring with you. You know what I mean?

Like there's a little bit there. I think it's drinking impregnancies. May I say from when you were very first on Have A Word, when things kicked off with the stuff you were like, you look a lot healthier and I know you've stopped coke. Yeah. But you must be doing all this stuff as well. You must be eating a bit better or drinking a bit less. I don't want to sound like this is an advert, but gusto. The Italian restaurant?

Gusto food boxes. Oh, they're like where you'd order it to your house. Yeah, but it's like, are these actual portions for a person? I think it's just like, it's so small. You just, you have to eat that gusto now. Do you know what I mean? I sometimes change and put some frozen chips on.

But, but cause, cause it's just like, I can't do anything else. Do you know what I mean? It's there. That's on the plate. I usually eat for four me. Yeah.

I just hoard. I don't, like I said, I mentioned before, on the previous time I was on, traditionally, I never used to eat. I just used to feed at like half nine at night. That's exactly what I do. I eat when I'm hungry. When I'm actually watching calories and thinking about it and trying to stick below like the average, that is the average male, which is like two and a half thousand a day.

If you have like cereal with milk on in the morning, which is fucking nothing, that's about 450 calories, right? And then you have like any sort of decent lunch will be about seven, 800. So you're halfway through your calories for the day. By the time you've had a snack and a bit of milk and your coffee and stuff, you might have a thousand left for your dinner. Go to Nando's and try and stick to a thousand calories. Like it's fucking nothing.

Like I always think like this is what you're meant to eat. And I have to like, so I have to hyper focus on keeping it to a certain level. What you're meant to eat. And I have to like, so I have to hyper focus on keeping it to a certain level. What you're meant to eat as an adult man is basically fuck all. It's so annoying. So cut it's just portion control. It's just like.

Yeah, because if you make your own pasta, you always do too much pasta, don't you? If you're getting your own chips out into the active ride, you never under do it. I always overdo it. I got back to the flat the other day and Jack goes, some sausage pasta left on the hob there. If you want to go and have some,

cause he'd made pasta for five people in the house. And there was still a pot that was overflowing with pasta in the kitchen. He was like, yeah, it's made a bit too much. Honestly, everybody that was in the house could have ate again and there still would have been some leftover and that's not on it's still in the fridge. You offset it with exercise?

What? Do you exercise? No, I went to the gym twice. I still pay 38 pound a month because I think I've canceled the diet. They'll know. They knew when I came in, I'm not gonna last. But I went in and I'm not a gymnasium

kind of guy. I don't know how to do the weights and all that. I thought it was about getting a PT. No, I can't do that. My mate was like muscly. I went to the gym with him once and he went, you should feel it in your triceps and I pulled my armpit Ruptured an armpit muscle. I Had I Had what was it? What was I doing yesterday? I was trying to catch cheese in my mouth. I

Was throwing bits of Brie up and trying to catch you. You've changed you bits of Brie up and trying to catch it. You've changed you Brie. It's been terribly dumb because look at me now. And my chin, have you ever seized your chin fat? Where it's just locked jaws. Yeah. I had that. Trying to catch Brie. Before you were out of breath, before we started, then I asked why you said, because you'd eaten a sausage butty. Out of breath eating a butty. No, because it was hot, so I was like, I'm just getting my breath back from the first bite. I go, did you bite, it was hot, and carry on?

Yeah. You don't quit when you're biting or not, do you? You eat like a fucking cereal killer, you know? You have like a bite or something and then you have like a 10 minute break and then go back to it. I don't do that, do I? I don't leave me place and come back to it.

No, you step, but you'll have like a bite and then you put, like, he'll pick a sandwich up, right? And take a bite out of his sandwich and then he'll put the sandwich down and could have like a full five, 10 minute conversation before he takes his second bite. I think it's app, like you eat like a psychopath. You eat like there's nothing left in the world and that's the last booty.

I know. Cause that's how you're meant to eat. No it isn't. It is. I mean it isn't if it's hurting you. You are allowed to take a 30 second little break if it's scold in your mouth. Yeah. That's an allowed bread.

That's not what I'm talking about. You just take your time. Does it look like lollipops and stuff? You can't walk around here with sticky lollipops. I smash pizza awkwardly fast. Do you ever get to that when you're down to one slice and the person across from you is just finishing their second and it's like you've just fucking inhaled yours? I just eat everything.

I've got no qualms with it. The only person I know that eats as fast as I do is Jack. If me, Jack and Kealan go for like dinner, like we all eat in the house together as like flatmates, me and Jack are done and it looks like Keelan's just sat down, even if he sat down before the pair of us. What I like to do at the minute where my girlfriend can't watch is I have cheese, lots, loads of cheese, cheese and crackers. Yeah. And then I'll put loads of cheese and crackers in my mouth and store it there like a gerbil.

And then get Coke and spill it all around. Oh, Jamie. Because you can't dip cheese in Coke, but I want both flavors to mix. Does it work? It's unreal. Me and you are so similar, you know. Cause like I've never done that, but I guarantee you within a week I will have. and you are so similar you know. Like I've never done that but I guarantee

you within a week I will have. Do you know like when you say what's it in a gap in your tooth? Yeah. And you can pick it out it's like a little cheese. Yeah yeah yeah. It tastes good doesn't it? Yeah. My mate used to pay me to watch me eat a burger. What do you mean? Because I do this triple. Well, I'll start stage left, go, and I'll eat a cross, but. Yeah. Yeah. In one.

It's autism to the peak, but I've done that. Like where you like eat a bussy like. Like you're playing a harmonica. Yeah. Type writing. Hang on, you go four bites in one swallow. I'll go three. Like a cross?

Right. Or like you get like a French fry crisp and you go... Oh yeah? Oh yeah. You've been to eat them? Absolutely. Like a beaver? What are the salt and chips one?

Fish and chips? Chips sticks. Chips sticks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same thing. You've got to eat them like a beaver. Covered on Chris Sessions, series three out now. Oh yeah, Chris, you've got a Chris podcast, haven't you?

Chris podcast, yeah. What's your favorite Chris? This is a judge of a madness. Do you know what they call salt and vinegar squares, by the way, you can fuck off. I didn't. You shot them, shot them. And that was another podcast.

Where you at with squares? Love squares. Oh great. But my favorite Chris war time has been discontinued. Is it pickled onion discos? No, it's ham and mustard brennigans. Oh yeah, you said that, yeah. But deep, mate, deep flavor, man flavor. What about- Pickled onion discos? No, it's ham and mustard brennigans. Oh yeah, you said that. But deep, man, deep flavour, man flavour.

Pickled onion discos has never been any more flavourful in the world. It's insane, it is. It's got disco catch flavour, don't it? I love the mush crisps, like discos and squares. They're like a potato paste that's then flattened out in it. I love them.

What about you going to the shop and you don't want like a brennigan's, but you just want a classic, what are you going for? Listen, I love, it sounds basic bitch but 442, cheese and onion walkers, don't mean. Solid, innit? Yeah. Going on a putty. It's hack for a reason.

Where are you at with them? If I'm going with one of the three main, like, you know the three main walkers? I do like cheese and onion but they are third for me. The Mealdale Walkers. And the controversial thing for me is the top of ready salted. Cause you can eat 15 bags at once.

Like ready salted crisp, like and it's the same with vanilla ice cream. Everyone's like, they're like, oh, it's plain. No, they're not plain. That's salt flavor, which is class. And that's vanilla flavor. It's not milk flavor. It's vanilla flavor. And that's a thing. It's not milk flavor. It's vanilla flavor.

And that's a thing. Vanilla ice cream is the best ice cream. And the best crisp of the basic three Walker's crisp is ready salted. I would put salt and vinegar in the middle, but I can handle cheese and onion being in the middle. It literally sounds like me talking, doesn't it? Just ready salted crisp or just a solid.

You know what you're getting. I like two crisps in one bowl, me. Yes. Two flavors in one bowl. Cause then you don't know what you're getting. Yeah, but you can't look cause you can look by the shade of yellow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to like, ah. You have to run Aldenio.

Like a buffet. When someone does a buffet and they do like a big mix bowl. I don't like this putties. I just got told I was insane. I have four, like two sandwiches, one cheese and onion, one salt and vinegar. Yeah, that's part of the fun of it, isn't it? The science. But I spin the plate and don't look so I don't know what I'm biting. Yeah yeah yeah. You ever done a crisp? You ever done crisps and a twiglet at the same time? Weirdly works. It works. Same theory. Mush it in. I did. I used to melt Yorkies and dip crisps in. Yeah chocolate and crisps works. Oh, got tato with the crisps inside the chocolate bar.

Yeah, I thought he invented that. I told you as a kid, dipping skips in fromage frais. You used to have that on your roast though, didn't you? No, no, no, no, that was natural yogurt. That Turkish natural yogurt. I mean, it's the same as the McDonald's french fry. It can't be a fucking lunatic. He didn't have fromage frais on his fucking roast in it,

all right. He had natural yoghurt. I still have that on meals that you would judge me for. Like what? Spag bol. Spaghetti, yeah. What? You have natural yoghurt on spaghetti?

Some spaghetti, yeah. It's like a garlicky spaghetti. You sounded about eight. Garlicky spaghetti. Smell go away. Garlicky spaghetti, yeah. I'll put some yoghurt on it. What else do I do it on?

It's a bit odd. Is this a Turkish thing or a weird thing? Yeah, it's a Turkish thing. They have it on everything. It's a Turkish... Cornflakes? No, not cornflakes. Is Turkish the new political correct way of saying someone's got special needs because

it does sound like that? Turkish is the new black. He's a bit Turkish. Well, I've heard. Turkish, you know what I mean? Put yoghurt on a spaghetti. But yeah, I used to put it in, say I was on the circuit. I'd have two Yorkshire puddings on a roast dinner.

I'd fill them with yogurt and then they're my dipping things. I'm getting off, mate. That's disgusting. That was till I was about, I think I was like, I don't know, 10. Even Harry judges you. I think I was getting to high school. I went, come on, you need to grow out of this now. And I went to gravy.

That's actually disgusting. I'd love to see you, the Toby Car come on, you need to grow out of this now. And I went to gravy. That's actually disgusting. I'd love to see you, the Toby Carver, and watch you ask them for some yoghurt. I wouldn't now. I love gravy. I'm not like these two fiends. I love gravy. You've got no leg to stand on today on food, stuff, mate.

Why, what have I done? Oh, because of that. You've had yoghurt on you fucking yoghurt bun. This is what you've done. No, he fills them with yoghurt. Natural yoghurt, not fromage frais. When I was a child. Not flavored. No, not fromage frais. When I was a child. Not flavored.

No, fromage frais was with skips. And my mum was like, I never, I don't know where that came from. That's a mix of class, isn't it? Skipping fromage frais. No, but it was like, do you know like, a Morrison's own kids fromage frais. Caviar on warbitt and sauce.

Yeah, it was like a Morrison's own kids little fromage frais. Raspberry was the best. I remember that. Dip the skip in it. And then eat that. That's not wild. But they're putting it in a Yorkshire pudding is disgusting. I agree.

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Go and watch my special, please. It's doing very well. Better than any special I've put out before. Very good. It's beautiful. No special I put out before. Very good. It's beautiful. No special for you, Jamie? Nah, mate. Keeping it raw to the streets, innit?

Was it? Yeah. Did you just forget to film it? No, no, I just kind of build like a come and see me live because water slide was a bit different each night. It was a bit chaotic and that. I wouldn't capture on film. Yeah, it'd be disappointing.

Cause my mate went up to see it in Newcastle said it's the best live stand up he's ever seen. And I spoke to you a lot when you were doing water slide and there was nights where it was electric and mental and whatnot. How do you capture that with one day of filming? Yeah. Like you might get a normal night

and that doesn't do it justice. It was proper for the room. The next song I'm writing at the minute, the next song I'm writing at the minute, it's a bit more traditional stand up, I guess. Say that I do strip and suck off a mic stand. I was gonna say, James, nothing traditional about what I've seen you do recently.

I don't jump off stage anymore. If anything, I think you're leaning in even more. And you're not gonna film that one either don't know doubt it are you sure no if it's like DVD era draw I mean hundred grand yeah give it away for free oh no chance right what's um what's wrong me instead fuck my enough buy off. Buy tickets instead? Buy tickets instead when that goes on sale. Let's do some.

It's room 102. Have you got anything you'd like to disappear from the universe forever? Speccy people. People who wear glasses? No, I love glasses wearers. But I hate specky people. Like this?

That's like Chris Rock, black people and speckies. Yeah, go on. Okay, what's the difference? Glasses wearers, Dan's a glasses wearer. Steve Specker. Ah. No, but you... No! Jamie! You negotiate things, do you know what's Harry? Harry? I see what

you mean. Now, like, because I worked in call centers and you're like, you're speccy. You for his Harry speccy. No, just stay. Stay as the business manager. We want him to be spent. Yeah, that's what I mean. It's listen, it's good to respect. It's good for it's good for them speccy people. They get better out of life. They do more than life. They get more, better jobs, promotions, better deals on the phone, contracts. What cost?

You're a speccy cunt. Can someone without glasses be a speccy cunt? No. Cause they've got a... It's this, innit? I think you're fine. I'm still in my cooling off period. Fuck off me. Steve, I know what you mean, but I sort of want an accountant who's speccy. Yeah, I don't want to fuck him off completely because they have uses in our lives.

No, because I don't want the cool guy doing my tax returns. Yeah if you're a speccy tax returnist, that- or accountant whatever they're called. They're only reporting to bigger specoids. If all speccy's are gone, no one would be like, yeah just pay whatever you think's right. Oh yeah, just pay whatever you think's right. Oh yeah. You just give us a few grand and that's all it is. Just don't use the hospital that much.

So no species, no one's even checking. HMRC is just like, oh yeah, he's trying his best. They check, but they're not gonna be like, yeah. Oh no, I'm seeing it. It's not even fucking off. No, I'm absolutely seeing it. Fuck off. Get your glass absolutely seeing it. Fuck off. Get your glass off the bridge of your nose.

The whole judicial system is going to be so much more sound, isn't it? Because you know Speccy going, actually the law states, everyone's like, the ice age, alright? The half moon spectacles where they look down at you. Do you want Dumbledore's fucking patronising advice? Shut up you Speccy cunt, why don't you It's like... With magic, why did he do that? Can you just tell me what to do? Stop giving it me cryptic, you specie twat.

Just like, the wand is mightier than the pen, Harry. Tell me what to do, lad! Who done had battle? Who done had battle? Stop giving it me in riddles. I thought that was mad. We've all got time for the cryptic crossword. Well, Kim, Voldemort and fingers down spells and they haven't got laser surgery. It is mad. Remember, Harry love is the strongest spell. Well, what about fucking when guardian

lovey also tell me what I'm doing here. Love makes you feel like you're flying. I can make things actually fly, mate. You're doing knockout. Stop giving me cryptic things. Okay, so I agree. I think I've been thought of Speck. He's won me over. Yeah. He's won me over with the higher level of Specky because if they all go, the system,

it's gonna be a lot more fun. You're gonna be called an uncle Speck on the internet here. By the way. I take it. Coconut. They're in. Stay goodbye. Jump in.

He just left now, didn't come back. Yeah, burger culture. Burger culture? Yeah. What you mean? So, right, let me pay a symbol here, yeah? Yeah, burger culture. Burger culture? Yeah. What you mean? So, right, let me paint a symbol here, yeah? Just lost 500 quid in the bookies on the Greyhounds.

I'm gonna go to pub slash restaurant, it's not a chain, it's not independent, it's not like posh independent, do you know what I mean? It's a bit scruffy, but it's not a chain. It's like sit down, you get your incentives on, you get all settled and everything. 19 year old waiter, nothing on them, comes over to you and they go, what do you want? I'll have this burger here.

The Godzilla burger? I'm not saying Godzilla burger to anyone. It's got onion rings, it's not destroying Tokyo, mate. Do you know what I mean? Stop naming these burgers fucking stupid names mate. And stop, stop over-complicating it. Stop putting pulled pork on it. Stop making it inedible to get your mouth round it.

Make it wider not taller. Ah, I've said this all along, well done JB. Wider not taller. And if you wanna put a bit of pulled pork on it, put a little bit of it over here, but then the onion ring goes on the other side. It doesn't like, you don't stack it. Get the, what happens to the sesame seed bun as well?

No one wants brioche anymore. It's not 2009. Wow, Jamie, you're calling me a fag. You're not a terrier, mate. Get over it. I want sesame seed buns that have got one day left on them before they get mold on them. You know brioche was apparently,

cause it's got stuff in it, it lasts like two weeks longer. It keeps on, yeah. So like that's why restaurants do it, cause they can buy it more in the box. It's too sweet and jarring, it's called stupid fucking names, I'm a gold man, I'm not 30,

I'm saying Godzilla to a 19 year old. It's fucking mad. You must love a Burger Van burger. Yeah, just grease a burger, you know what I mean, just keep it. Cheese and bacon and no sauce. Just keep it fucking simple. Plus, I also issue these fa... Like, listen, there's a time and a place to find dining in a restaurant.

Anniversaries, birthdays, special occasions, whatever. Treat yourself. Chill. I'm not against nice food. I'm not being all like, what do you mean, flagwaves? But don't you dare put a burger on that menu because that is appropriating our culture, mate. That's like going to Mac is like, they're like, yep, we're doing a burger.

Like, yeah, we're fancy, we're fancy, but we're doing a burger. Yeah, we're here for the proper man. You're not for the proper man at all. Fuck off patronize us thinking we have something for the scum. We better have a scum item on here. So let's have a Wagyu burger on here for the scum. Stop appropriating our culture. You don't see us in McDonald's asking for a fucking celeriac puree dip.

You scared Jamie? I mean no one's, no one's arguing. You should run for president by the way. National Treasury waiting. The local dormitory around here is almost famous. Here's some of the names. You've got the triple non. How can I say that to a person?

If you ran a burger restaurant would it be burger one, burger two, burger three, burger four? Yeah, I'd... No, it'd be... I'd have hamburger, haram burger. That's got the pork on it. That's got bacon on it. Cheese, double cheese.

Do you know what I mean? You don't have to give him like skyscraper and all this stuff. The river Phoenix, Johnny Mach. I'm cracked baby. I'm cracked baby. I've just lost 500 quid on a dog. And now you want me to say things like this. It's not jovial, is it? Speaking of gambling, by the way,

I actually put a little loss on before, when we were there, when we were talking. He's 1,100 quid up. Let's have a little look. Yeah. What? What was the last time you put a bet on? Almost famous.

I feel like I've never seen you, like even when we go to watch the NFL, you're not the one we pull. 2004 Champions League quarterfinal. I finished last. Finished last, there you go, he's in the mall. Finished last, there you go. There you go, it's gone, game's gone.

Game's gone. I bet on a Champions League quarterfinal in 2004, 2003. It was great. You don't even know what's going on. the Champions League quarterfinal in 2003. It was great. I won about 140 quid when I desperately needed it. It was like United Porto when Tim Howard threw one in. I am, yeah, I'm not a Bettsman. It's not a bad thing. Burgers, I'm with Jamie.

That's him for me. Those novelty names. And now with loaded chips, I find a bit of melted cheese, but now it's too much now. Just stop it now. I do don't, I do don't, don't you know? And I do think people are fucking with chips too much.

Just a bit of spicy salt is enough of a variation. Like five guys do, I've salted ones and oh, we put a bit of dust on this one, that's all we need. Oh, this one's got scallions on it. First of all, no one even knows what scallions are. What's the Canadian one, poutine? Poutine. That's different though.

That's its own meal. That's its own meal. But I also, I just want some curly fries. I also like that. Do you know what I mean? Like, if you're gonna make it fancy, just give us a simple fancy one. It doesn't have to be like,

oh, this is the chili shredded beef fries. You're like, it's too much. By the way, this is completely stolen from an episode of How I Met Your Mother, right? But the best possible combination of fries you can get is a portion of normal fries with a few accidental curlies in it. That were in the?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I want normal chips. Like, if a restaurant could do like a mix where like I'd say 70% of the portion of chips are normal chips and 30% are curly fries. I think that would be the peak of fries. This is why, when I get, my go-to after drinking take away is chicken nuggets

because the sick tastes nicer. You get chicken nuggets and chips because it comes as a tray of chips. And then you find nuggets in there and you almost forget that you've ordered them. Another spice. Exactly what he means. Surprise me. You just like, Oh, fuck. I was a nugget in these. Are you thinking you think you've got none left and there's always one left. Yeah. And you just, you just dig in your fireman. It's like a tiny cereal. Do you know what I mean? Spice bags are good, aren't they? Oh my God. Please the United Kingdom, just they've got it right. Someone copied them.

There's so many places you can get a spice bag from. There are no places in Chester. Yeah, you live in the woods, Dan. There's no takeaways. I live in the woods. You. Yeah, yeah, sorry. There's no takeaways. I live in the woods. You have one takeaway though. You know the name of it. Lives in the woods and he's like,

why is there no fucking Chinese takeaways? There's loads in Chester, no one's doing a spice bag. Yeah, spice bags are good. Nasty, loads of cuddly. When I go Nando's, yeah, my two sides are chips and peri-chips. Double carbs is a mad one. No, they're not. Live life.

And you want them separate? Oh, separate, yeah. Separate, then you mix them up yourself and you're like, wow, none look. Mike, the best Nando's order, if I'm not thinking about my calories, it's the... I get the thighs done hot and I want them well done. And like sometimes they look at you like, this isn't a snake sir. It's like, listen, you know when you would normally take that chicken off, leave it on for another 90 seconds.

That's what I want the skin to be crispy. I want it to be like that. At least they'd listen to you when you ask for stuff like that. Like well done chicken thighs with peri chips and the garlic bread. And I'll tell you why, because then I make a chip butty, a garlic breaded chip butty.

And the thighs are just the best way that Nando's did it first. Nando's have sorted out their bread for their burgers recently. They've changed it up for the first time in ages. It used to just be, whatever they made the garlic bread with, they split that in half.

And they were like, oh, we'll stick a bit. And it was crap, it's too hard. Good for garlic bread, not good for burgers. They've changed it up with the burgers. I've had two recently in the last three weeks. Good bread. But still, we would highly recommend if you do want some sort of sandwich that you do go to Derek's Sandwich Shop on Berry Street.

Derek's, they're the fucking best. Allerton Crosby or Berry Street. I fucking dug up a goal. What was the thing you put in one or two? Burger culture. Burger culture, yeah. Yeah, certainly. When we go to the fancy places, I already, I just ordered the, like put in one or two? Burger culture. Yeah, burger culture. Yeah, certainly. When we go to the fancy places,

I already, I just ordered the, like a simple one. Yeah. Just there's not, just don't like a big stack on it. I do like, I do like the odd time out, I do like a bit of fanciness to it, but my favorite burger is like a really shit takeaways. Just plain cheese burger. That's soft.

Really shit plain cheese burger. If you can. So the chipping here where I grew up, like I say in my routine, you know, the most controversial stand-up routine of all time. So the- Oh, is that how it's gone down?

Oh my- On Twitter. People are gonna be like, hey, we've got Chinese people in Coventry. You haven't invented Chinese people. That's even true. That's in the trailer. It's fucking hilarious. I was blathered reading the comments to it.

And I was like, there's no way people can be this angry about this. Like this should not be a controversial thing. Every single chippy in Liverpool is also Chinese. I know there's places that have Chinese's, but you also have chippies and you do have separate ones we don't have them here that's what's unique here there's no Chippies here that aren't also Chinese you can always get both every single Chinese does Chippy chips not the fucking oven chips that you get with your Chinese

or the fries Chippies and Chinese are the same thing here that's what I was saying I even get that I live in the woods come on guys um the the place where I grew up, the Chinese Chippy on the corner, which was actually owned by a Greek man, but was still run by Chinese people. What was it called again? Anyway, they did a full Chinese menu, full fish and chips. And they also had like kebab and burger stuff. It was like an all in one fucking class.

The best thing you could get from there when I was a kid, plain cheese burger with chippy chips and a pot of curry sauce and dipping a plain cheese burger into Chinese curry sauce. That is literally, that's what there's a place on ball street where it's like burgers and chippy as well. And that's literally what I get chicken burger, but with chips and curry sauce. Is it like an. Ken's or what? Do you know what? Oh, oh!

You just... I... I'm gonna blow you mine out. What I used to do when I lived with my mam, Jo, lemon grass chippy chips, yeah. Named me. Order a madras, run to the chipper. Chippy chips of a madras. Yeah, we do that. We have...

Fucking real. My mum's curry with chippy chips. And pepperc. Yeah, we do that. We have a fucking real, my mom's curry with chippy chips and peppercorn sauce on fish and chips. I had it in the restaurant once. The wait, you know, they didn't give it to me. I said, listen, I made my own rules. Get me a peppercorn sauce with fish and chips and watch your mind get blown.

Was it good? Unreal. One of my ex-girlfriends, I was worried she was pregnant one day cause she was very specific. She was like, I want a spicy chicken burger and Chippy chips, but the chicken burgers from our Chippy are not very spicy. So would you do me a favor? Would you go and get me a Zinger burger from KFC and get some Chippy chips

put with it on the way home? And I went and got all of them for her because I was trying to be a fucking sound guy. And she didn't need the burger because it was too spicy. Oh, that's a crime. Yeah, just don't be constrained by society's rules on sauces and chip thickness. How would you build your perfect differently? So you've got Mahis, KFC, Burger King. You used to get it, do you remember the Arndale Food Court? Was class, it was the first time I'd ever had the mini, the Pizza Hut,

it wasn't like the proper Pizza Hut. It was like a smaller version that first time I'd ever had the mini, the pizza hut, it wasn't like the proper pizza hut, it was like a smaller version that they just had about five options. But you could have that and a bit of KFC and McDonald's fries. So Big Mac from Mackey, chili cheese bites from Burger King and the cookie from KFC.

And the gravy, yeah. And the gravy, yeah. Subway cookies. Can I ask you, cause like when we get a Chinese in ours now, often there's like quite a few people in either people have like their Mrs. Over or like friends or whatever, right? And it's class, because what we do is we get loads of different stuff, and then you can make your ultimate plate, right?

So let's say, let's say you've got like people around yours. So like, don't worry that like you're not going to eat the entire portion or something. If you can build your perfect like Chinese plate, what are you going for? Cause I'll take you through mine, right? It's char siu fried rice. Yeah. Yeah. Char siu fried rice, beef green pepper,

black bean sauce, just a bit of that. Yeah. Salt and pepper chicken, salt and pepper ribs, prawn toast, spicy spring rolls, chips, and then curry sauce on the side. Very, very similar to mine. I'd also have char siu, fried rice. I'd have Singapore chow mein,

a bit of noodle, chips, plain chips, salt and pepper chicken, salt and pepper ribs, curry sauce, so very similar. If anyone is watching this hungover, we are gonna do the Chinese takeaway industry. So much business this afternoon. Chinese, I would go as far to say, is unbeatable and unrivaled when it comes to a hangover.

Oh, a hangover, yeah, yeah, yeah. The only time- Is it the grease? Is it the salt? What is it? The MSG? It's the MSG, I think. I think the only thing that can compete with it,

and it's very, very, very rarely, but sometimes I do just want it, is a Mackie's. Sometimes on a hangover, I just get like Mackie's mode. And I think it's because of how salty the chips are. Do you know what Mackie's has done? Do you know whenever you decide on what you want to eat, it's got itself in every conversation, hasn't it? Like Mackie's is always an option. Do you know what I mean?

You better go, I want to eat something. Mackie's is always in there as an option. You fucking smashed that game. Because it's the biggest, isn't it? Yeah, they're everywhere. You mean because it can be breakfast, lunch or dinner? Yeah, you know. Or supper. It's always in there. Or midnight.

Yeah. Mach-E's, it's always the one. And there's more of them than there is any other. Yeah. They've got themselves right in the conversation, mate. I still don't love them, though. Oh, at a certain time, Mach-E's can't be beaten. I always go. At a certain time. I always go.

At a certain time. Car drives, long car drive, man. He's, you're not having a Chinese in the car. Also, if you time it right, and there's not, you can't like, it's not possible to like, try to time it right and nail it. But if you get lucky with your timing, and like they've just put like a fresh batch of nuggets in,

and they do your burger fresh, like they've just run out of beef as of nuggets in and they do your burger fresh. Like they've just run out of beef as you order and you're the next guy. And they've just run out of fries and you get, like if you get like fresh nuggets with a fresh beef burger and fresh fries from Mac is, it is like class, innit? It's up there, innit?

Yeah. But it doesn't take long for all of those things to get a bit shit. So if they're sat there for any amount of time of time or Big Mac's got such a fall off that are incredible. Greg's has got a similar sort of quality dip and peak and trough. It's a gambling itself going great. So I like it.

Well, I go in and ask, I say are the hot dogs, are the sausages warm? Yeah, I've shot myself. They put the hand on it with the bag and then I'll get it. Oh, no, I'll take the risk. What's your opinion on the Greggs' Fest of B? Shite. Really, yeah? I don't like any sort of novelty food. Okay.

Don't fucking come to me with fucking pumpkin, fucking latte, Halloween. I'll have it in fucking March if I want one. What are you gonna do? I mean, not sell it? What are you gonna do? I'll have pancake day in fucking June, lad. When do you have Baileys? What?

Never have it. I don't have any sort of Christmas dinner, anything sort of, you've got to have this on this day. Fuck you, mate. Do what I want. Again, it's on Paddy's day. No. No?

No, no, no. Every other day of the year. He's not into Guinness? We've shared this. We're very similar. We don't mind it. We think the people at We're very similar. We don't mind it. We think the people are all gimp. Yeah. And my last one or two,

people working on trains. Like laptops out and... Oh, I thought you meant the people. Train workers, yeah, but they're, you know... But people working on trains. They're all pretending. They're all London busy. Like, are you the Prime Minister? Are you the actual Prime Minister?

Is that why you have your little lanyard on and you've got that fake contorted face? No, I call it London busy. What are you clicking? No email has ever been needed to be sent from Brunconn. Ever. You can wait till you get to Liverpool on Manchester.

It doesn't need sending. It's the same with a coffee shop. They go to the coffee shop to have their mac and have the aesthetic of I'm in a coffee shop. It's the... Oh, I don't know if I can wear that. You're not typing anything, you. That I agree so much. And the sleeves up here, buttoned up because they're so stressed.

They've got to get this email sent. Slaven at the laptop. I'm like, James Bond, you're a fucking mid-manager for DFS, isn't it? Even worse, the guys who were doing the business phone call. Like, oh yeah, yeah, speak to Giles about that. I'll circle back, yeah. Shut the fuck up, mate. Get off the train. In.

In, boss. Not only is it in, it brings us to the end of this week's episode. Ooh. It's 100% success rate there, Jamie. Well done. Yeah. Room 102. That's a go performance of the Room 102.

I think it's been a go performance all round. Absolutely up there. You always are. Are you just... Legend of the game. I can't believe you haven't been on the couch for two years. It will not be two years until you are back on the couch, my friend. I know. Jamie, have you got anything to plug at the minute?

Yeah, Full Troll, Fartsy, Super Yacht For Everyone album. Get that streamed, trying to hit like milestone targets. They were last week's tune of the week. Yeah, seen, by Christmas. So get that streamed. Chris Sessions, Series 3. I'm not on tour at the moment, but I've got like 80% of it in me head. I don't know if it'll be sound. So I am, I am.

When do you reckon you're going to go out? Probably early 26. So the first dominoes there now. And, but in the meantime, go and see my cohost Tony Caroll on tour. His tickets on sale and he starts January 9th. Oh, that's being a good shift. And here's your cohost of the Hot Water Green Room podcast. We have a weekly live show, tickets are a tenner. Adam was there last week, we have surprise drop-ins sometimes, if people are at the club, it's just...

I was blathering and heckling at the back so they made me get on stage because... And heckle from the front. Very funny, always chaos, just come down, it's good. Class. Thank you to everyone who's watched and shared and commented and liked me special in the clips and stuff. Very funny, always chaos, just come down. It's good. Class. Thank you to everyone who's watched and shared and commented and liked me special and the clips and stuff.

Just do us a favour, just continue to keep doing it. And if you haven't already watched it, go and watch it. It's the best thing I've ever put out and it is racking up views at a faster rate than anything I've ever produced. Also thank you to everyone who came to see me at the Jack of the Hand last week. Very, very fun. And thanks to everyone who got a platinum raffle ticket. And that was just in case you didn't see it on social media.

We have now done the draw. Jacob Young. Jacob Young. Jacob of the K. The luckiest lid of all. Proud owner of a platinum ticket for life. What did we raise? About £33, grand just on that? £33,350. That's a fucking good idea, Adam Rell. Have we got a tune?

We do. It's a class one this week. This is from Michael Gallagher and it's called Streetlights. It's really good indie music. Hey guys, I'm Mickey G and this is Streetlights. Oh, that ruined it. My pleasure. With a friend of a friend Another one bed occupation With this ever end I slowly make my way to the kitchen To cool my head down

You by the window doing exactly the same thing What a gem I found Spent the evening laughing, joking Introduced me to your friends They say you're gonna write a love song See how this ends I walk you on the street, lights catch us kissing And there's no one else around You pull me in and whisper in my ear

And say don't even make a sound She was high, I was low She flew by, better start going slow So many nights spent on my own If you're there for lonely one of them Can I just let you know I'll never let you go Another difficult conversation With my dearest friend

I try and tell him everything will be okay It'll all work out in the end See, I'm still searching for that special something From someone that isn't you I suppose I better write a letter of song Cause I still got nothing to do She was high, I was low She was high, I was low

She flew by, she'd have taken things slow Now all these nights spent alone I wish you were there for more of them So I could let you know I'll never let you go And I wish you were there for more of them So I could let you know she was mine And I was loved She goes by and I'm still at home All my nights spent alone I wish you were there for one of them

So I could let you know Should have never let you know, I should've never let you go Another late night conversation with a friend of a friend