Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #304 with John Lynn & Danny Mcloughlin - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: November 25, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word Live | https://haveawordlive.comDan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsRhys' Special: rhysjames.co.ukThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the have a word podcast, do us a favor. Make sure you're following us on all social media.

We are at Have A Weird Pod on Twitter, Instagram and TikTok. And on top of that, don't forget to go and subscribe to the Patreon page, patreon.com slash have a weird pod, early access to these episodes, an extra episode just for you lot every single week on Patreon. And don't forget those monthly specials of which there are 40 plus now. They're basically a movie every single month. Patreon.com slash have a word pod.

Enjoy the episode. It's a belter. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist groom. Go Ed, get on me. Hey, welcome back to another episode of the Have A Word podcast. Dan Knight and Gellar is facing some allegations,

so we hope he'll be back with us in a week or two. Finn's his witness. Finn is his witness. Character witness. Slash accuser. If you hear a dog barking during the episode today, that's just Wallace because it's such a skeleton squad. We're recording this two weeks ahead of schedule

because by the time this goes out, we'll all be in India on bikes. And Wallace is just, you know, joining us in the studio today and there's nothing we can do about it. So suck my dick. And, uh, yeah, don't complain. Danny McLaughlin's here. Yeah. I mean, it didn't mean as much where you're like, look, we've got a really skeleton staff. Danny's here. Yeah. Yeah, the ringer. Yeah, the fellow with Johnny Knoxville. Yeah. I had to get you back in to co-host one with a good guest, you know. Yeah, because the last one stunk of piss. Who is it this time? Gillette? How you doing? I'm good, I'm all right, you know. Christmas is coming.

It is? I'm just trying to, because it's two weeks, so it's... Yeah, this will go out on, this will go out publicly on the 25th. So some people will have their Christmas, do you know? I mean, I'd have ordered mine, probably. Are you a big Christmas guy? I like it. I like, um, I like the idea of

it more. Do you know what I mean? I'm like, Ooh, I'm a, you know what I am? I'm, I'm an advent guy. What do you mean? Like I like the first of December in the morning. Yeah. One a day. That's the only vitamin I have. Um, I like the buildup and then like, probably my peak is like probably like the 15th of December. Yeah, cause then you're like, do you know what I mean? Cause it's like, it's Christmas soon, but then it's not, oh, it's Christmas, it's done. Cause it is sad, boxing day is sad. I know people love it cause they,

they generally. The best time of Christmas is Christmas day to New Year's Eve. That week is the best. No, I feel think that's the worst. It's crusty. No you get to eat what you want no one really cares how you look or you just get to get up and watch Italian eat cheese. I don't eat cheese though. Why? I don't like it. You're lying. I don't know how I generally, do you notice I'm not a big cheese guy. I eat mozzarella, cause it's not cheese, it's pizza glue. It is just pizza glue, isn't it? And do you know what, I'll have a What's It.

I'll have a What's It now and again. I don't think that counts, Danny. Well, it's cheese flavor. Is it though? I don't know. It doesn't taste nothing like cheese. Sorry? It tastes nothing, no, there's a quaver.

So there's no real cheese in the world out there that tastes like a What's It? Not that I've tasted. Have you ever had cheese and then go, that tastes like What's It? What's going to be funny is when they cut that then and it's just you going, have you ever had cheese? No, because I don't eat cheese. Like a fucking cheese ball, mate. I don't know.

I don't know. What do you want your fruit in for Christmas? Sorry? Cranberry, Wednesday. We make them, mate? No, I don't know. I don't want your fruit in for Christmas. Sorry. Cranberry Wednesday. We make them meet. Bosh, we make a nasty. He gets away with it because like, obviously we're not, we're not only sat here with like Dan Nightingale, who with food is the most mental person I've ever met in my entire life. Yeah. Dan would be like, Oh, I'll have that cheese. But can you take the milk out?

I think she's allergic to egg fried rice. What? But not to get him to try egg fried rice. And he said, no, cause he's allergic to egg fried rice. What? But not trying to get him to try egg fried rice and he said no, because he's allergic to eggs and earlier that day he had like a full package of African cakes for himself. Oh, that might be the worst thing to be allergic to that egg, egg fried rice, not egg. Just egg fried. Imagine being able to eat egg. You can't have it mixed with rice. Well, do you know, well, do you want to know another thing about me that's going to blow your mind? Don't eat eggs. But I eat egg. You can't have it mixed with rice. Well, do you want to know another thing about me that's going to blow your mind?

Don't eat eggs. But I eat egg fried rice. I only eat eggs in egg fried rice, and I eat Haribo egg. I think that's more common than we're realizing. Do you think yours is like food phobias, or is it like a? I think it's. Are you like Dan, where you're like scared of it? No.

I think what mine is, is, where you're like scared of it? No. I think what mine is, is the reason I'm very fussy is that my mum and dad didn't love each other. I can second that. And then what happens then... I'm not fussy. Well, here's the theory, right? So what happens then is I spent a lot of time growing up at me nan's and they've got the

best shit. So you know I don't eat sliced bread? Don't eat it. I don't eat it. You know when you say that, people just like, they picture you with a full loaf. Like just. Which one? You don't eat sliced.

You don't eat like warbons do you? I have to cut my own bread or I don't eat it. I mean that's just like. No it's. Taurian, no? No. Yeah. Why?

I need my own loaf. Orange it's all you know. No. Yeah. Why? I need my own loaf. Orange war but it was made. No, no, I wouldn't even fish with it. I wouldn't even put it on the top on a sunny day for the carp. Sorry. Yeah, because me nan only had like tin bread, like cut bread.

So then I'd go back to me mom and dad's or me dad's or me mom's depending on what part of the relationship it was and I'd be like, like cut bread. So then I'd go back to my mom and dad's or my dad's or my mom's depending on what part of the relationship it was and I'd be like, I'm not eating that. It's not even a crust, it's a squidgy end. Crusts are meant to be crusty. No, I've got, yeah, it's- Folly with you. The best bread, like my favorite bread now

is like a Marks and Spencer's white tin. Yeah, see even I'm like, there's part of me that's like, it's Marks and Spencer's though, you should really go to a proper bakery. What's mad is in Chester, it's big bakery scene. Lot of good bakeries in Chester, in like industrial estates and that, where they've just got a unit,

and then you just go there and they open up the shutter and there's like a table with like pure loaves on and sausage rolls and that. See, we have that in Liverpool, but it's fake DVDs still. Still. Fake DVD players now because no one's got anything to play the fake DVDs on. Yeah, so I don't eat sliced bread because of that and it's all because of that. Like I don't have any fat on, I couldn't have like a steak with fat on it because my nan used to just cut it off.

So I'm just used to that. Because she wants to do it. Yeah, you know, we all had this stuff with like our parental figure. Right. Like we all in some way. No, because my mom and dad. My mom used to cut up my sketchy bolognese.

No, I don't mean like cut it up. I mean, like they'd have the best. I'd like I'd have fill it at my nan's and then I'd be like, oh, that's got no fat on it. And I thought that's what it was. Like I don don't have like chicken but I don't eat meat. Who's your nan? Was your nan Marco Pierre? And I don't have um fucking meat on the bone I can't eat meat on the bone just breast and

I like fat I only eat the middles of bacon I don't like fat and just fat on a steak tastes so good. Nah I don't need to eat that. Fucking frightening basting the butter in your garlic and your rosemary. I'm like Jack Spratt's wife me. Unbelievable. Oh no, Jack Spratt could eat, I'm Jack Spratt, sorry, Jack Spratt's wife could eat no lean. You know that little.

I know you do. Jack Spratt could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean. And then it's like so in between them they lick the platyclids. So basically it's saying it's find a, find a wife that eats what you throw away. I don't listen to Drake me. That's not, yeah. You would if you put a fucking cowboy hat on. I am, you know, you've talked before, like the, the buildup to Christmas rest for you. I feel like I've said this to you before in private and our friend conversations, I am, I think I prefer like sort of the buildup and the aftermath of everything. Like everything, like even when I've got like a big show, right?

Like I'm like, Oh, the buildup. I'm like, Oh, fucking hell doing the arena weekend. That's class. And then as soon as it's done, I get to be like just on the arena, they're actually doing the thing. I don't really get much from, I guess I'll be like, just on the arena. Oh, actually doing the thing. I don't really get much from. I don't enjoy anything more than when the things finished. No, you can't go home from all these. Unbelievable. Because you make it sound like you're like, oh, I like the start of the end.

It's like, oh, I love it when she's rubbing over my jeans and I love clearing up the jeans. Rubbing over the jeans is fucking great. Yeah, but clearing up the jeans you've just come. Yeah. Yeah. But you know, like, yeah, the best part of a blow job is the end. Yeah. But it's not the after bit where there's G's everywhere. Yeah. It's not the after. Do you think the best part of a blow job is the end? Coming. Oh yeah. I can take it or leave the end. Finish now. The end's not always when you have to pay. But yeah, saying I did that is better than doing it.

Yeah, the build-up to... I absolutely think sex is the exception of proves it earlier. Like getting sucked off the entire time is classing it. I'm never getting sucked off being like, I can't wait for the end. I can't wait for this to stop. Yeah, that's what I wish it could be Christmas every day is all about. It's actually like a metaphor.

We should get a blow, have you done that? I wish I was getting sucked up every day. Yeah, so the build up when everyone's still like excited and like the, it's a bit worse now because people are putting, I sound like one of them Facebook dads, but people are putting the decorations up in like June. Like shops and that.

Yeah, because they're attention seekers. People put it up, oh, is it too early? Yeah, you're attention seeking, aren't you? Oh, I mean like shops and that. Oh, no, I mean that. It's because they're trying to like, get at you into spending money. I don't mind shops.

Like Live Pill One's starting to put theirs up. Like first week in November, the shops can put them up. That's fine. Because that is like Christmas shopping season. But you shouldn't be putting them up in your house till the first of December. I'll let you have a VAR on like a couple of days before if like you're gonna be busy for that first week.

But it should be, December is house Christmas. And when people are like, oh well, no, as soon as Halloween's done, I'm getting me deckies. Like, I'm just, you're taking too much Christmas and you're making it less special. Guy Fawkes isn't dead by then. Exactly. Do you remember the other day,

we're celebrating that he didn't do it rather than that he tried. Yeah, I know, yeah. No, Guy Fawkes. I was always like, yeah, he gave it a go, woo-hoo. Oh, you mean the fella who tried to blow up Parliament? We're celebrating the fact that he failed. like, yeah, he gave it a go. Woo-hoo. Oh, you mean the fellow who tried to blow up Parliament? We're celebrating the fact that he failed. Like, yeah.

I thought it was like he gave it a go. I always thought it was that. You saw Britain had decided... By the way, is Bonfire not the same all over the world? No, it's only in the UK. British Parliament, wasn't it? Right, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So in America on the 5th of November, they're not like setting stuff up. They're like, oh, it's Danny's birthday tomorrow. That's what it is. It was the election this year, so some fires. Did you see how mad that was? That our election was on Independence Day and their election was on the 5th of November. Oh.

What? Who did that? I don't know. Me and my dad. So the man. But you've always thought we were celebrating someone trying to do a terrorist attack. Gunpowder plot. Havary French. Yeah, he gave it a go, but you know, he failed and was like, ah, lucky. But it was like, ah, fuck them. You know, he

forgot found out because he told one of his mates in the boozer and they told someone else. Really? Yeah. Also, I don't think he was dead by then. Like, I don't know when he died. It might have been like January, you know. What was his name again? Guido Fawkes. Guido. I'm thinking Samuel Pepys for some reason. He's a different guy, isn't he? Yeah, definitely.

You've got a diary. He better just die, didn't he? It's a mad, I reckon like, like being called Guido in like 17th century Britain, that might have been like being the one Asian kid in my class at school, like it must have been mad for him, like you're like, Guido. That's why he called himself Guy, isn't it?

Yeah, that's what I mean. So he's like, yeah, just Guy, I'm Guy, just Guy. And they're like, no, what's Guy short for? Is it Sky? No, he was from Birmingham and he was saying he was gay. He was trying to come out and no one was listening to him. Guy? Like Guy, like that? Have you been, did you ever go to that guy's house that used to live in the tower? I'm Frank. No, Tom Horton.

Tom Horton. Oh, yeah. Did you ever go in his house? I was gonna try and mix it up. I did go to Tom Horton's house, yeah. I stood on the Tower of London in a pair of one-tens. Yeah, sick. Scouts.

Did you go in his, you know, his bedroom was the room next to where they interrogated Guy Fawkes. Was it? Yeah. Oh, he didn't tell me that. He showed me Hitler's shitter. Yeah. Well that's... He got it in a case. Yeah. Little shitter.

No, well, in the Tower of London, they had like a little wing ready for if they caught Hitler. And they were like, that's Hitler's bog. So no one's ever pooed in it because it was like, there's no way you didn't put it. I asked, could I? I was like, do you mind if I have a shot in there? And he was like, yeah, I do. Adam. Yeah. Saving it for now though. What? Who are they saving it for?

When he comes back? Yeah. Zombie hit was zombie hit. Zombie hit the dead snow. I think it's just like, it's because it's part of history. It's like, Hey, that's for lose the baddest smell on the planet right now. Not like John Jones. I mean like the naughtiest who is it? Depends who you listen to. Don't it? I suppose. Yeah. Like you could say Putin. You could say Kim. You could say Eric 10. If you listen to talks more, It could be anyone going to like, Oh, it could be Trump. It depends who you listen to. It could also be like, you know, Joe Rogan. It depends who you listen to people who think that as well as who do you think it is the North East mountain, the

world probably Putin. Yeah. I'd say it's got all night in Yahoo naughtiest man in the world. It's probably Putin, isn't it? Yeah, I'd say. Or Netanyahu. It's Netanyahu. It's definitely Netanyahu. Maybe. Could be. There's a fella at Mersey Rail that gave me a ticket once. I'd save it for him.

All right. Do you know Netanyahu's only angry because he hasn't got a new email address. His actual name is netanatyahoo.com. That's why he's so fuming because he hasn't got a new email address. His actual name is netonatyahoo.com. And that's why he's so fuming, because he hasn't got his own iCloud. That's why he's fuming. Yeah, he's like, oh. Him and Kim, Kim drunk hotmail.

With Christmas coming, is your son getting to the age now where he gets that excited about Christmas? He's still, yeah, he's been that for a while. He's six now, so I'm a bit worried that... Because I was seven when... Oh shit, I don't want to... So was that... We spoke about it last week. Etta found out last week she's seven. He's on my father's Christmas. Yeah, but there might be still people... No, if your kids are watching this... No, I meant the people who signed up to your Patreon.

What? We've spoken about about it so we can go. Right, okay. So I it's probably, I was seven. I might only have a year left. Did you figure it out or did someone grass? I can't remember. I think I'd like to say I should have figured it out really. We didn't have a chimney.

My dad used to leave the window open. Like, you know Part of the Christmas normally goes down chimneys, but we haven't got one. So just leave that fucking window. I don't remember ever finding out. I don't know. I don't remember the day.

I remember when I found out about the 230 because I'd been on holiday with me auntie and lost a tooth on holiday. I was fighting and she gave me 20 patsators. So I come back and I was like, mom, dad, guess what? I was on holiday, full colossal tooth tonight, 20 patsators of gopher. And then I was upstairs.

And like our living room door was at the bottom of the stairs and it was always shut. Like when my mom and dad, especially if they had like people over and whatever and they had like two of the neighbors and they were having a few drinks and I was upstairs in my room and I came down to what like asked them something and when I got halfway down the stairs I could hear them talking and so I'm just being like I wonder what they're talking about and I heard them going fucking hell, our Sue gave hard at him, 20 quid, off the tooth fairy when they were in Gran Canaria. And he lost his tooth last week

and I had to give him 20 quid, didn't I? Cause I was like, I couldn't explain to him that it's different. So I was just like, oh, I've got it. It cost me 20 quid. And I just like literally ran down the rest of the stairs, opened the door and I was like, the tooth fairy's not real.

I just like the idea of you putting 20 pesetas under your pillow and in the morning there's four pound 62. It's just the exchange rate. The Bureau des Changes. Oh, yeah. The death of innocents. I kicked my Xbox over by accident and my mum had the receipt for the Xbox

and I was like, Father Christmas, just give her a seat. That's what I can't do. I was like, he's not gone to Argos and bought it, has he? No one buys an Xbox from Argos. That's weird. I know. Father Christmas is real. I don't even know how I kicked it.

Like I was like jumping up and down playing it. Oh, weird. And volleyed it. Nine, eight? I don't remember. Nine! You didn't know about Father Christmas not being real until you were nine years old? I was from a very sheltered kind of... I knew about blowjobs

before nine. Yeah but again I went to a school with like what seven people in the old school and they all sang like hallelujah. That's also why you found out that Father Christmas wasn't real. I've said this before but I remember being being upset and I knew what blow jobs were because I know I'm too young to know that. It's the bigger kids in our world are talking about it. I was like, Oh, I definitely shouldn't know about that. Well, it's sad as you didn't know that actually the buildup and the end was actually the best bit at that time.

I don't think I knew about sex until secondary school. That's a lie. What? They wouldn't have sex until secondary school. That's a lie. It wouldn't have come up in school. There was like one, again, there was one lad in the year above, in the whole of the year above. And there was like four or five lads in my year. What?

Like he went to some hobbit school. And we don't know, he was in the Shire, we don't know. There was one lad in the year above. Yeah. Do you know what? I'm at the school. Maybe in year six, because my teacher got pregnant and I remember some people going like, oh.

It was him? It was the one lad. But yeah, I don't know. I was, because I was also like the oldest child as well. Like in my life. You weren't the oldest child ever. No, yeah. That's Gary Barlow's son. But yeah, so like it would never have fed down to me.

Whereas like I've got a younger brother who's 14. The youngest child ever. Yeah, the youngest. And I'm his bad. Like I'm watched like stepbrothers with him. Cause I know that like. Oh, there's sex in there. There is. Well, I didn't realize like I watched like step brothers with him. Cause I know that like. Other sex in there. There is? Well, I didn't realize until I watched it.

And then like there was major sex. I was like, that's fast forward. What did you know of your brother? You've got a little brother, don't you? He's a little brother. What did you know? You went, Hey, Harry, what's sex in there? I'm not going to show him.

You'll be like, I'll tell you tomorrow. I'm just going to ask the man in the year above. Yeah. Yeah. All my information comes from Adam, who was in the year above. Oh, cause he was the first man in the year above? He was the oldest person ever.

What would you do if a little kid in your family, you've got young ones in your family, haven't you? Yeah. Well, hey Adam, what's sex? I'd be like, I'd find out when you're older. Really? You wouldn't take it on, no? Not a fucking chance.

Have you lost your fucking tiny mind? Why? So my niece comes up to me. How old is she? I'm talking like 12, 13. Seven. There's none of them in my family, but still, let's say when she's 12 or 13, she comes up and is like,

Uncle Adam, what's sex? I'm gonna go, you will find out when you're not. You think I'm gonna just be like, well, my time has come to be a teacher. Sit down. Men have got cocks, women have got pussies. They slam them together for a bit, ages, and sometimes babies are made.

Why would like? But I must tell you, child, that's not the best bit. You've got the birds on the beach, haven't they? Also, like, you're 13, you little fridge, you should know. You got TikTok probably. I'm sure it's on there. You've been shagging. What about when your little lad's like,

hey dad, what's this? I don't know, I've got, cause of my sit, I'd just be like, ah, she's my mom, isn't it? Are you gonna do that? She'll probably, like, she's very open. Like, I think he, I don't know for sure, but like, we are like,

we'll just say, but if you do it scientific, it's all right, isn't it? Like if you go like, this is what happens and this is what happens. Like you don't have to be like, oh, you're- School does it now for you, doesn't it? Yeah, in like year five or something. Yeah.

Yeah, better than when we- But like, I think our parents' generation were the last ones that had to like properly take the kids to it, because back then there was like no sex ed while I was in school. That's like our generation were like the first one to sort of do that. Like our grand, like my granddad had to tell my dad

how to fuck, do you know what I mean? Like there was no like school for my dad to learn how to. No Euro trash. That's what it might be. We might be the first Euro trash generation. So therefore- Porn taught me. Sex ed, I mean. Porn, yeah. It it might be. We might be the first Euro trash generation. So therefore- Porn taught me. Sex, yes, I don't mean-

Porn, yeah. It did though? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't ask me mom. What sex? Well, your stepmom comes in, yeah. And she's not your real stepmom because she's from Japan.

And then- That's why I exclusively do gang bangs. It's just because that I learned from porn. I thought you'd know. Do you know what I mean? I wouldn't know what to do with one vagina at a time. What's mad, I think, is that the way that life is now, kids will know what pixelated things is from porn

instead of like trying to get channel five on an outside aerial. They won't know what that is, but they'll know that like- Can a Japanese woman ever got a fanny out and people have been like, oh my God. They thought it was actually pixelated at all times. Do you think they've been trying to get Channel 5 and it's all pixelated and they're like,

fuck, this must be heavy, this. There must be something here. Just a massive mince. Is there a black market for like, whoa, in Japan for like, real pixelated porn? Yeah. I imagine so.

If you look at it, I don't know if you can find it like anyway. Have you seen what's happening with the North Koreans? Yeah this is mad. So what three weeks ago? So North Korea heavily support North Korea currently prepared them for war they've been off any allegiance with South Korea and now they're heavily support Russia by giving them arms and stuff and they they've also given them troops, but because these North Koreans have never been exposed, they're now all obsessed with Paul. All of them because they've never had access to wait till they get a Kit Kat. It's going to blow their mind. Can you imagine a rushing kick? Yeah. They get there and they're like, Oh, this, this porn is mad, but look at this. Like, what's that? It's a sherbet dib dab. Like you put the lolly in and then it ends up falling.

I just don't believe it. Me. I've got my own conspiracies about North Korea. I think it's fucking class and they just like, he thinks North Korea is like just like Belgium. No, I think it's like Tenerife. I think it's just fucking water parks and people with the tits out. I think it's like Tenerife. I think it's just fucking water parks and people with the tits out. I think it's class and they just, it's so good that the West was. Pretty much, innit? It can't be that good. Didn't the guy try and escape it once by pole vaulting over the fence?

That's what they want you to think, mate. He was just trying to get into the Olympics. That's all he was doing. And then it's like, oh, see, they're trying to escape. No, he's trying to better himself. That's all it is. There's it's like all the she the China was caped now. He's trying to better themselves That's all it is. There's an English brewery in North Korea Carla He's actually from

Madri was from North Korea. That'd be so funny. They've got a Spanish foreign minister. They're like, you know how England have just got like a German manager. They've done that. They've brought in like a Spanish. The best. Oh, that's cool. The bouts. So do you reckon all the Koreans going the foreign minister should be Korean. It's a disgrace. They're all playing tiki-taka, the North Koreans. Oh, hold on.

It's called disgrace. They're all playing tiki-taka at the North Koreans. Oh, it's called Norton crosses. Imagine finding them porn at the age of like 30. But their minds are completely like innocent and free. Imagine how good their sex is where all they know is like what they've had. Do you know what I mean? Ours is like tainted by what could be. Do you know what I mean? Like I've seen some absolute male porn stars who can like throw people around the room and everyone's having a class time.

I can't do that. And I know that's possible. These Korean fellows didn't know that that was done. They just thought everything's just missionary and face to face. 10 minutes of mish. But they're learning shit, aren't they? You know, and going back and all their wives are going to get their heads bummed clean

and all. Look, me and the fuck have you been? They're all doing all like fucking mad bum. And you're like, welcome back. He's like, hhhhhh. Sick, innit? A little sex, fucking sex holiday for them. Mormons are the same though.

Like Mormons don't. Mormons and North Koreans are identical. Yeah. I feel like this is just the same. When I was last here, we were talking about the Amish for an hour and a half. This just feels like that. What do we do with you? We talk about sects.

Just fit. That was great. Thank you. Have we ever talked about soaking? What the Mormons do? Oh, I thought you were talking about some North Korean guy. Just found out about square porn. And that was good as well, thank you. Do you know what the Mormons do? Soaking.

So I had a Mormon friend in Oklahoma. She told me about, told me about her. Doesn't like the Mormons. I had a Mormon friend. Right, get off. I'm fucking sick of this shit. Yeah. So her two brothers, basically the way it's written into kind of the scripture

is that you can have kind of, you're not allowed to have like repetitive penetrative sex or something like that. But what you can do, you can dock in and then you can get a buddy just to help you go back and forth. So like one of their brothers would bring a girl home, get in position and get the other brother

to jump on the bunk beds. And then they just like finished like that. That's how they have it. What a stupid religion. The most shocking thing about that is I genuinely would have thought that Mormons weren't allowed bunk beds. The thing in my head that I can't get my head round

isn't the soaking, it's the Mormons in bunk beds. Why is it called soaking? I can Google that, I don't know. It's just, they're all dirty bastards, aren't they? It sounds like a dirty bastard name. No. That's like the maddest one there. That's got to be the maddest like religious rule.

Like that's worse than like Hindus can't have beef burgers and nothing. Do you know what I mean? It is though, isn't it? But what's mad, right? They're allowed to go out and another Hindu is allowed to put a beef burger in and out of his mouth. I'm just here shocked. Who adopted? Back to Fatherhood, are you conscious at all of having to have those conversations?

Nah. At the minute, is he just your little kid or are you worried about one day he might call you in a maggot or something? No, I don't mind that. Like it's fine, it's good, it's really good. He's dead lucky at the minute that he's not a little cunt. So, I mean, that's the thing with kids though I imagine

is that tomorrow he could just start being a little cunt. To get to school and like the one... He's old enough now, that's probably not going to happen, innit? I don't know. I think he's... Well, age seven. Six. Six. He's on the cusp, innit?

So, if he... I don't know about the one guy in the year above, but he might be a bad guy, innit? So he might try and get in with the one guy in the year above, and then like, Adam... What's your advice? Because ours is always, don't be cool or a gimp. Just be, just be. Just be?

In school. He's not telling his kids to not be cool, is he? No, yeah, but I bet you weren't cool in school. No, I would because if you try and be cool, you're not cool, are you? You just gotta be yourself. I don't like try and be cool. I'm just dead cool, so.

No, but I mean, don't try and be in school like, oh, I'm hard and fit and cool. Or like, oh, don't try and be in school like, oh, I'm hard and fit and cool. Oh, don't be Asian. Don't be an Asian ghost. Don't be an Asian ghost in school. Real one. Don't be a gimp and don't be thinking, man, just float through school. Like a ghost. I think weirdly, like what might be the the the advice is just don't give any advice until he asks for advice just let him figure his out and then if he's obviously like oh dad like

this is happening or this happened then maybe but don't be like look do this just let them do what they want and then yeah hope yeah hope for that little gimp he's not he doesn't like 40 though oh what would you rather would you rather he be like hard and cool or a bad gimp? I don't know. I feel like it's hard and cool. I'd rather it might could be the school bully and I'll just deal with that when he's 20 and be like, Hey, you shouldn't have done any of that. But well in on your fucking knockout record. Like honestly, I think it's gimp season though. And it, I think it's GIMP season though, isn't it? I think it might be GIMP season for like, It is, yeah. For the, it's going that way.

GIMP, it's rise of the girls. Girls like GIMP. GIMP is the new black. Yeah. I haven't seen that Netflix. I don't think you're quite right. It's not like the lads we went to school with they were seen as GIMP and not now running the school shagging all the bits from next door. No, but what they are doing is like

coding and then millionaires now. Yeah. And Pokemon cards are back. Absolutely. I'm not saying like super long term. That's not beneficial. Right. But getting through school, like the idea of my kid being bullied, I haven't got that in me. I will turn up and I will kill the cunt who's bullying him. Do you know what I mean? Like, and their family. Like, I can't handle that idea at all. So I'd rather them be the one who's being a bellend than being on the end of it.

And I'd rather them be neither and be right in the middle. But if I had to pick, I don't want to have to deal with my kid crying as long as I'm being a gay. I think it's, it might be harder to reconcile with yourself that your kids are cunts. That might hit harder because ultimately that might be a failing on you. Yeah.

But like why is he killing Gimp? Yeah. But if your kids like a Gimp, at least in your head, you can go, do you know what? Ultimately he's a nice person. Gimps don't start wars or Gimps don't, do you know what I mean? Like don't cry. Yeah. You're fucking right. That fellow shot Trump. That was a bit of a GIMP. He looked like a bit of a GIMP. Gimps can go round and end up at the top as the worst people. Maybe they can become assassins, bad assassins. He made that guy put the ass in assassin.

Bad assassins. He made that guy put the ass in assassin. Let's be honest. It was a good shot. You know, I know it's old news now, but it was him. Trump just dodged it by accident. Yeah. It's one of them. Like it's the coldest move of all time.

Like you're gonna shoot me in the head. Can you imagine how different the world would be? It's centimeters. What? Wild. I mean, I know it's old news now. Trump's in, which is easily in. Yeah, it's actually easy. I don't know. January, I mean, I know it's old news now, Trump's in, which is easily in, yeah, it's actually easy. I don't know. January gets him. Is it? Yeah. Oh, is he like

the Joe Biden is still president, president. I just forgot. Yeah, but this is where he goes on like a fair well tour. Do you know what could happen right now, which would be dead funny is he could step down and until January, Kamala Harris would be the president and she'd just get to have a go even though she lost. And I'd do that. Like Ralph Ragnick. Yeah.

He'll have fucked all his merch. Cause we've seen his merch. He's got 45, 47 merch, 45th president, 47th. He'd be the 48th cause Kamala Harris would have done something. That'd be so good. It's worth it just for that. Fuck his merch up. Oh do it.

She still hasn't done like a public con concession. She hasn't said anything. She's conceded, but not. She might have. She's she's spelled him. She might have. She might have at the time of recording. She did. She did do a speech. Yeah. It was shit though. It's the eighth of November for us by the way. She basically came out and was like, when we lose elections, we accept the results. She threw a bit of shade. I saw the tweet and said, uh, Joe Biden woke up and go, did I win? He's 40 million. You know, um, you know, you mentioned, uh, the kids are into footy.

Is that like an anomaly or is that like more popular now? Cause people aren't as asked about footies when we were kids. I know there's too much to do, there's too much to do. There's too much to do, like everything's so engaging. Like I can't imagine what it's gonna be like for that next generation, because I'm addicted to this and I didn't grow up with it. He hasn't got, he's got nothing Rudy,

like he's got no, like he would, he didn't watch telly till he was 18 months. We were like mad, like Victorian parents with him. That's good. And he could only watch telly if he'd read the book We were like mad, like Victorian parents with him. That's good. And he could only watch telly if he'd read the book. So he could, he knew what was going on. So we didn't want just fucking colors and mad shapes. So he just was like that.

We wanted him to know actually that's the Gruffalo. So that's what we did. We were like, you can watch telly if you've read, if you know what the fuck it is. We're not just putting Bing on or whatever. And I'm not saying like parent your kids how you want to parent your kids, but that's what we did. is, we're not just putting Bing on or whatever. And I'm not saying like, parent your kids how you want to parent your kids, but that's what we did.

We were just like, right, you can watch that. And it was like, he was like 18 months and now he doesn't, it's like he hasn't, he hasn't got a tablet or anything like that. Like that's good though. That's rare. In my head, this is the type of parent I'm gonna be. And like you and Dan have laughed at me before.

I mean, like you will literally throw and I've at your child Shut them up, but I think it's the right way to do it That's the maddest one like obviously like I said like do what you want with your kids like they're your kids parent Um, however, like I'll never judge someone but the maddest one is when you see like there's a fucking adapter Do you can put on a pram? Do you put the iPad and there's like kids in the pram with the iPad there. It's like fucking total recall or something.

Like Wally. Sorry? Like Wally. Never seen it, couldn't find him. Um. Something. Yeah, so the iPad's just like there and they're just getting pushed around with a Greg sausage roll like that.

I was in Nando's last week with Seneca and there was three lads. Cool. 42 pounds it was. By the way, sorry to cut you off, but I would like, I often think about some of the things that I would waste a wish on if I had three wishes

that you wouldn't necessarily, that would be very personal to me. Like for example, if I had three wishes, like obviously you'd wish for like bare money and that, but one would be to have every goal I've ever scored on video so I could watch it back. From like under whatever's to now. Oh my God. That's such a fucking absolute, that's ironically a top bin of a wish. I want to watch that wish again. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have to sort through it. Someone's put it in like... Yeah, no, it's in. It's in with like a Riley playing... Just tap ins at Cubs and that. What's that song, perfect for stuff like this, by Daddy OG? Is it like Sunshine? Some volley when you need it. I was good. I've scored some absolute fucking screamers. Like it would like be a million views that if I put it on YouTube, like my goal, my highlight reel, it'd be up there with like Cantonese and bird camps and that likely. I put much in theirs. Oh yeah. Well,

maybe not as mad because they haven't, they've never played for fucking border youth under 13s because they were in Ajax Academy and it was hard from the start. Like, do you know what I mean? I've played against some right fucking Kimps. So just not making plumbers in vets. I'd love to rewatch the goal I scored

in the year six school cup semi-final to win the game because honestly in my head, the goal I scored. That's another. It was, so is actually what happened in my head, right? I was playing right back and a corner come in and I was like sort of the one standing outside the box. Best place to be. Also, I'm not saying anything about your football

and ability, but if it's year six and you're playing right back, you're shite. Well, no, so I was a sub. So I'd only been going to, like it was the only, I never really got coached at all. Like I was never in a team. So I didn't like think it was like possible.

Do you know what I mean? So like the school had their team and whatever. And then I was like, can I go to the training and the practice? And they were like, yeah. I don't need a couple of weeks and they're like, oh yeah, you're like going to play. But like, cause the team had already got to like this, I think I joined just before or after the quarter final. Yeah. So they were like, you're on the, you're the sub for the semi-final and it was something like seven all, right? And it's like seconds and minutes to go and whatever.

And a corner comes in and it got like added out. And in my head, honestly, like it's better than Gerard Olympiakos. Like it comes to me and I hit it like with the outside of me foot and it went round every player on the pitch and into the very top corner. Like I could, honestly, I could draw like frames,

like 50 frames per second, I could draw a video for you of what I can see in my head. And I'd just love to know how accurate that memory is. It's maddening that you remember all that shit from when you were like eight, but you don't know when the recycling is. Like I could just remember like in a picture perfect way, the goal of the volley from the halfway line

is going against Waverton for fucking Chester Boys Club under 14s in the purple and green Blackburn. It was like a half, but purple and green, it was sick kit. But yeah, you tell me like, oh, when's milk day? I wanna see my year five hat trick against the even St. Mary. Yeah. Two, no down. I scored two tap ins and it was half time and someone was like, yeah, we only scored tap ins and something. And

then I score from the half way around to win a free to and I reckon I went on with shag 15 bears that night. I drove home that everything. That's such a good wish. Yeah, but one of my others is like, I just love a 2005 Nando's. You can't, right. I remember how much better Nando's was, right? And it is so much better. It's so much worse now.

How can it be so much, it's still the same problem? No, it's not. This is the thing, I'm convinced it's not. And I'd love to speak to Fernando Duarte now, who I think is the guy that- Oh, again, I believe that you know her. Have a look. And I would say, look, it's different, isn't it?

Like, you wouldn't say it, but then like we ended up in the urinal together. Say it is Fernando Duarte, mate. I'm such a fucking autistic person. I was hoping that wasn't gonna be right, and I would love to have known who that was if you'd got that wrong. Yeah.

I've poured my flesh back from the alley. So what, like the flavors or the size? I don't know, but we'd all be at a dinner party and we'd be like, hey, Fernando is different in it. And he'd be like, no, no, everything is the same. We use the same recipe from 1999 or whenever I started it. And then we'd be like, yeah, and everyone would be like that. And then in the urinal later on, he's there after dessert. And I'd just be like, it's different now, isn't it?

And then he'd go, yeah. Cause I think it is. I think that's a dangerous question to ask, you know, from like a therapy psychological point of view. Cause if you find out for sure that it's exactly the same and you were just a bit happier in 2005. That's, that might be what it is. Yeah.

That might just be what it is. It's like, it's like the Goonies was good when I was Yeah. That might just be what it is. It's like, like the Goonies was good when I was eight. It might just be that. Well, I said that it's more Home Alone. I didn't watch Home Alone until I was a man, like Bane. Yeah. And it's shit. Yeah, I've heard you say that, either here or like in life.

But it's so poo. But I get the nostalgia and I'm not gonna claim that you don't think it's good because I get that you think it's good. You mean the first one? Yeah, I've only seen the first one. You need to watch Home Alone 3. Oh yeah, we have chatted about it because I remember thinking you were an absolute danger.

So what I'll watch, that'll be the first Christmas film I'll watch. I've never seen three. Watch Home Alone 3 and watch Jack Frost. You don't need to watch anything else. I think I've seen Jack Frost. They're the top two. Is that David Jason? David Jason.

That's a touch of frost, which I think is gonna have like mad different connotations in about 10 years. Why ever so? I think that's a really good time to call our first break. As a Fizz member, you can look forward to free data, big savings on plans, and having your unused data roll over to the following month, every month. At FIS, you always get more for your money. Terms and conditions for our different programs and policies apply. Details at fis.ca.

Can Indigenous ways of knowing help kids cope with online bullying? At the University of British Columbia, we believe that they can. Dr. Johanna Sam and her team are researching how both indigenous and non-indigenous youth cope with cyberaggression, working to bridge the diversity gap in child psychology research. At UBC, our researchers are answering today's most pressing questions.

To learn how we're moving the world forward, visit ubc.ca forward happens here. Hey part two! How are you doing? We're good. Harry have you got any questions? We have some questions written in. First question is from Big Tozzie. Wag wag lids, question for you, with America essentially electing a celebrity president for his second term, the UK needs an equal representative

who can put up with Trump's bollocks. What UK celebrity would you choose to make a stone cold Steve Austin style entrance at an important UN or NATO meeting and go head to head with the big what's it looking fucker? Ooh, so strong. We're always about 10, 15 years behind the stage with stuff like this.

We will be electing celebrities in a decade's time. Like someone who's like just a personality now. Do you really? Yeah. But they're over there. There's just a popularity thing, isn't it? I like them or them. I mean, it's becoming more of it,

but nowhere near as much as them. We are still a party. Yeah. I think, but I think that's why Boris did so well. Cause he was just, he was a, he was a celebrity politician. He's kind of been already won Boris. Yeah. Boris Johnson is Trump.

Yeah. But he's just hasn't had the career. Like at some point, like it'll be a footballer. It'll be like fucking Matt Letizia or something. I hope not. Or Ricky Lambert. Paul Mersonerson fucking talking to plants and shit. It'll be someone like that. We're like that. Cause that Argentina president has like dogs in his cabinet. So Matt Leticia and Ricky Lambert might just have bottles of water and like Venus fly traps

is like, sorry, we recording. You know about Ricky Lambert, he does know. So he talks to make them feel good. Right. So he got two plants, someone else did this. Well, but he got two plants and the first one he was like, he's like, you're a little country, honorable little comp plants. And he was one. He's like, you're a little cunt you honorable little cunt plant and the other one he's like you're a beautiful sexy plant and he claims the one that he gave compliments to grew well more.

What he doesn't say is that one was fed watered in the sun the one was in the bin. You're a cunt in the bin. You're not growing are you? What kind of shit plants are you? Plants don't go in bins you're knobbed. Who would you put in charge Dan? What's Celeb? Well he's not English but like Wolf from gladiators would be sick. He's from New Zealand. Yeah. Michael van Wijk. Yeah. Um, these things, I don't know. It's such an encyclopedia. You're a little head in it. Yeah. I just, I think it's just remembering stuff. I think it is.

Yeah. That's what it is. Like I've, I've, I've seen that and gone, yeah, keep that. Do you think it's a bit of the tism? Yeah, just a little bit. Cause me and I was telling Carl wrestling facts when we were watching the Vince McMahon documentary and it's like, I think I might have a little bit of it. Do you still watch wrestling now? No, but I can tell you every person that's ever won the WWE championship. Gunnum?

No. Well, it starts with Buddy Rogers. We'll do it in the break. Who won the 27th one? I don't know it in numbers, but I'll tell you like 1983. I was probably Hulk Hogan. No, it wasn't. I can do that. He wasn't about then in 83. Yeah. So I couldn't tell you by year, but I'm still Terry then. If there's a list in front of me, I can do that. He wasn't about then in 83. Yeah. So I couldn't tell you by year, but I'm still Terry then. If there's a list in front of me, you can read it. He was, by the way, based on everything, you, I can do exactly what you can do. What's the real list? No, no, I go on. Name a year. Okay. Who won the WW championship Armageddon 2008 rowdy

Ronnie bug head. It was Jeff Hardy. Yeah. That's what I said. Oh, with his t-shirt. It's like a T-shirt. It beat how the money bug. It's a porn star. He'd be good at the NATO meeting. Yeah. It would be put in charges. Rep in the UK. Martin from homes under the Hammer. He's orange and he also has a bit about him. Well, is that David Dickinson? David Dickinson, you mean? No, Martin from Homes Under the Hammer

is the one that is basically how cutting them. Yeah. Oh, shit, I know exactly who you mean. Who's repping us? I don't know, it's gotta be someone, because the thing is, you're right, I don't think we would vote for, unless they were like, they had some mad ideal, they couldn't just get

in on personality alone. Mr Blobby? No. Are you taking the piss? He would come in, smash the door down. Am I taking the piss? Are you taking the piss? Mr Blobby?

Mr Blobby would be Prime Minister in 10 years. No he won't. Are you taking the piss? Are you taking the piss out of me? It's inevitable. No. If Trump is at a NATO meeting and he's like spouting shite and then... Blimey, he doesn't even come through the door. He comes through the wall and starts messing up papers.

Oh, the UK Prime Minister is here. Prime Minister Blimey. He can't get his head through the door. Nah, someone cool, hard, like a Tom Hardy. Jason Statham. Yeah. Joe used an Olympic diver. Yeah. No.

He was a Commonwealth diver. He was a Commonwealth diver, yeah. So you've missed him. Can't mean he's gay. Ah! Joe, he was gay. Dives to sell fish at a market with Vinnie Jones as well. There you go.

This is the fact, the corner over here. Vinnie Jones is exactly who it could be though. Oh, Vince and Peter Jones. Cause he Jones is exactly who it could be though. Oh, Vincent Peter Jones. Cause he's got the age. Watch this now. Vinnie juggles. Vinnie Jones could absolutely do it. That is insane.

He's got the age, he's got like the experience, he's hard. People respect him. He's cool, isn't he? No. He's an ex-man. He is cool, Vinnie Jones. What? No. He's an ex-man. He is cool, Vinnie Jones. What? Trans.

Is he an ex-man? He was juggernaut. He was juggernaut, honey. He's also a meme machine. Oh yeah, he also played for Wimbledon. Vinnie Jones, I want my vote, Vinnie Jones. Do you know what it might be? That guy, do you remember Carl Fathead Power

that used to, you know the guy that- That sounds like my nickname in school, you know, you know, the guy that got in the photo United. Oh yeah. And he walked out to bat at Lord's and he knocked up at Wimbledon and he did like, it might just be him. And so we haven't got a problem. We just stand him there and he's just like that in a suit and no one knows what the fuck he is. I don't know. There's one, both of the pool. He just got on the team years. Did you live in Istanbul as well? I don't know. There's one in Istanbul, so the police just got on the team photo. See how mad's that like, he was doing that,

like that's people's careers now. And he was just doing it for vibes. Like people make like YouTube careers out of doing pranks and shit like that. And this guy was just doing it on his dinner break. Simon Bradkin. I was speaking to my stepdad, was Strikers like big back in

the day? Well, it was cold so often. So, um, yeah, they were, they were a thing. I think that's, do you know what? I think that's when the country went to the dogs actually, when they started fucking showing like the corner flag instead of the Strikas. I'm from an era where like they fucking showed a Strikas and you were like, eeeh. Same with injuries. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Show me the injury. No, cause you're a little tragedy porn cunt aren't you?

You are though. Not like, you know, he's not dead. It might have been GBC's. When Ericsson died, but they showed him. I was watching it live. Do you know Strikas Joe and I genuinely think the reason they're not as popular anymore, first of all that, but also even if they were shown, like back then that was just a way to be like,

hey, look what I've done, look, I'm famous. So the guy was on the telly. There's so many other ways now to be on the telly. Cause having a good TikTok video go viral is being on the telly in the same context as industry goes. There's just a million different ways to streak. So no one's doing it at Wimbledon anymore. Also it's probably not worth everyone laughing at your dick and you never being allowed into

a football ground for 16 years. Like it's probably not worth it. You shouldn't be banned if you streak, you should get a season ticket. That's a bad precedent, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. Yeah. It would be fucking class though, wouldn't it? People would streak every week and there's just a fella handing out season tickets at the end of the fucking thing. Do you know, have you ever seen the videos where like someone runs on and scores or like saves it? Yeah.

The goal doesn't count does it if they save it? No. That's mad innit? So funny. Because you would just like imagine you'd be a king forever, you'd be banned forever. No because then the team has to then let them score don't they? I don't think there's anything funnier than when like stuff like that. Did you see the guy that like rinsed the free kick?

I can't remember what it was but it was it was a free kick and he just ran on and fucking bent it in. Like he scored a free kick. I can't remember the exact context, but it's funny, do you know who the first American to miss a penalty in the World Cup finals was? Diana Ross. Diana Ross.

And it just is my second favorite fact. That's my confabulated memory of that because that is Janet Jackson in my head. That's something. I don't know. I think Jackson in my head. That's something. I don't know. I think Jackson would have scored. Penance a bit. I think Janet Jackson in 1994.

How old was Jackson in 94? 38? I love you sitting there watching that going, fucking that's the mistake. Dying a arse on it. Everyone knows Janet Jackson. Janet Jackson was in the last year of a contract. You could have picked her up for 20 mil. The goal was 45 meters wide.

Most people would have scored. Her missing was impressive. It separated as she hit it as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was gonna wear that top today, USA 94 away. But I didn't wanna wear it because of the partisan, because of what's just happened. And I didn't want people to think that you're patriotic.

Yeah. Can I just bring something up that we mentioned off camera just now that we're back. Oh, can we play? Is it what I think it is? This can't be real by the way. So Harry, when we stopped recording before, Harry was like, I was going to bring this up.

We sort of moved on with the conversation from the footy thing. Harry told us, Harry, how many goals have you ever scored? Career goals? Like ever, like even like in with Pele rules every goal counts. And how old are you? One and I was, I mean to be like I'd this is from my career. You've scored just to be clear. At Sunday League we're playing for Schemm United. I played from what the age of maybe six till the age of like 11. I was in goal for a lot of it but then they put, I started falling out of favour but then you can't just make a kid wake up at six in the morning and then make them watch from the, as the backup goalkeeper.

Yeah being a subkeeper in Sunday League might be the worst thing ever. So they were like, Harry how about you go on the pitch? And this was the writing on the wall a little bit. A couple of weeks later, my dad was like, you're never going back there again. And like I was good. No, you weren't. No, in goal I was good. The problem was though, it was because of like,

I think it was the epilepsy and stuff like that. The parents would have to shout my name when the ball was coming towards me because I was just like looking off half the time. Don't blame the epilepsy and stuff like that, the parents would have to shout my name when the ball was coming towards me because I was just looking off half the time. Don't blame the epilepsy, mate. You were shite. No, I was, again, confabulated.

I made a Gordon Banks-esque save that my dad tells me about. Harry, you are 24. 24. And you've scored one goal. Yeah, and it was, and I think it was with my hand as well. But it was against, so we were three nil up against, you know, when you played like Sunday league and there was those, that team that always had like some ginger kid with goggles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were playing against Lormack that were like the goggles team. And... All of the blinds, good. And I took the center for the second half, and then the fella ran down the wing and crossed it in, and I hit me on my chest, and then I just punched it.

Fuckin' hell. And it counted. Yeah, because I was, really, I could have just done anything, but I was so used to using my hands. I punched it. You never score the goal. I've punched it.

And they were like, he's just punched it, but the referee was like, Oh, let him off. Yeah. You should have been playing for the other team. Do you reckon? No, because I was good in goal. Right.

I was just a bit like Renny Higita. You were so good in goal that you were the backup goalkeeper. I was a brilliant goalkeeper. It was, do you know what? It was balled, because I was good for, and then the new goalkeeper came in and he was the son of the mate of the manager. Oh yeah. They still say at Schemm United that no one's ever put cones out like you. My biggest regret. Have you scored like goals like in the street?

Uh where's the goals in the street? I've been saving stuff in the street. No like the like the path like the I will have scored like with jumpers for goal posts, yeah. But in a goal goal, in like quote unquote organized football. I genuinely thought like in your entire life, including like just playing jumpers for goal, how should you score one goal? I scored eight. Cause I mean like we had a goal in the garden.

Right. Yeah, and you kept missing. But that doesn't count, does it? Playing on your own, not scoring. So you need like league goals. Yeah, it like goes on my Wikipedia. I you kept missing. Playing on your own, not scoring. So you need like league goals. Yeah. It like goes on me Wikipedia. I've got one. And ironically as well, because I signed for that during COVID,

I signed for that Zimbabwean football team. What? Come on, catch, keep hold. I told you this. This was a while ago, Harry. Yeah, but I have told you this though. I signed for a Zimbabwe football team during COVID. Right.

It's mad, isn't it? Are you like, you couldn't go within two meters of your friend, but you can go and play football in fucking Zimbabwe. Oh no, I've never been to Zimbabwe, but they announced me as a signing. Tiny temper there. Because I was...

He asked me because we were doing journalism at uni. Got a new stri at Inboys. And they just stopped. He scores one goal every 325 games. Via Zoom. One goal every life. Fucking Zoomed in. He's got a Dell laptop in the 6-yard box.

But I, so Covid had stopped the Prem, so we wanted to report on leagues that were still going on in the world. And the Zimbabwean league has teams called like chicken in FC and triangle United. So we were like, we need to interview these and we got three points. Got close to the team called bull a while chiefs. And, uh, and they were like, eventually the Zimbabwean league closed and then they just announced me and this lad Adam, who I went to the States with the lad in the year above, different Adam, many Adams in my life and like signed us. They announced us on Twitter. Like it wasn't real. We like, I didn't fly over there

with an agent and sign a thing, but they sent me a shirt, but it was too small. I can wear the shirt one day, but it'll look like a muscle fit. Yeah. So really I've played for Schemm United and then a Zimbabwean Premier League team and I've still only scored one goal. Do you reckon you've scored more than 10,000 goals? Oh, no. I do. In the same way that he has.

I mean like if you play with your mates. Oh, 100, 100 p the kids are saying now. No, I mean like organized football from Cubs to Vets, which is what I've played. Yeah, and even in the street with your mates, you've definitely scored over 1000 goals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've probably done that like on one goal, one Sunday. 10,000. That's a lot. How many do Pelé score? A thousand. Here's a question. I'm gonna need to Pelé score a thousand.

Here's a question. Do you think you've played 40,000 times? Yeah. Do you? Yes. We used to play every day and we played three games a day. Yeah, I've scored 10. Thinking about it, I've scored every day after school

for two hours, at least. And then, because I went to a shit college, because I left sixth form and went to a shit college, we had two hour lunches. We used to play fives for two hours. Yeah. To win a big game of knockout, you needed seven. Yeah.

Oh, what a question. I'd love a definitive, that's my thing. I, do you know what I want? Stats for life. On your deathbed or like the second you die. There's no afterlife, don't need that. Just you die. And right, right, you're dead, lad.

You've got like four minutes and you can ask any stat you want. You've got four minutes. That's me, whatever you want to know. How many liters of petrol have I ever put in my car? Say that again. How many liters of petrol have I ever put in my car? Like just stats, just life stats.

How many kinder bueno's have I ever eaten? Yeah, yeah, just stats for everything. Well, they don't give you everything you've got to ask. How many times have I waved someone? Someone, it's not been them, so I've done that. Like at least nine in my life. How many games of knockouts have won? Cause I think in a three year period, I didn't lose.

Checking in the all time leaderboard. And I mean, knockout pairs, they kind of sway the stats. Yeah. Cause you had to go give you both good, it was easy. Maybe win the game of knockouts. What's my all time wins to loss bare ass record. How many times was I on the wall? How many times was I kicking?

Yeah, this is what- I think the hit rate's quite low though. Might be a wish that, might be another wish. How many times have I perfectly cooked a piece of meat? Yeah. Without checking the temperature. Exactly, this is what I mean. How many times have I made chicken

to be perfectly cooked and juicy without being a second dryer than it needed to be? Percentage of things thrown have Bim, that's gone in. Exactly. See, this might be a wish. Because you want above 70%, 80% there, don't you? But it won't be. This might be another wish.

I might have to just keep the dick I've got. Yeah, it might have to. That's a great one. All time stats. All time life stats, any stat you want. How many air cuts do you reckon you've had? Average speed. Of walking? Yeah.

Oh my God. Does that include standing still and being in bed? Cause then it's like- No, when you're moving, you'd average speed. What's your average speed? Fuck. Mine's low. If I was convicted of every crime I've ever committed,

how long would I have spent in jail? Yeah, you'd be dead. Oh yeah. Comment below with the stats you'd be dead. Oh yeah. Comment below with the statute like. How many times have you got a litter? Do you reckon for it to make it serve a prison sentence? I don't know. It depends where I done it as well.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, but like how many times have I like been doing fucking 110 miles an hour and a 30? How many girls at school pickups? How many girls have been outside? I've looked at me and gone, I'd love to know that. Yeah. How many women could I have fucked if I knew everyone that wanted to fuck me wanted to fuck me. Yeah. How many girls are going, how many girls were in the year

above Harry at school? Six. There was seven. Seven. Yeah. No, yes. No, it wasn't just one lad with like fucking girls. Yeah. Six. You know what's mad? You won't know this, but they worked out how many lads were in the year above by how many goals you'd scored in your career. If you were better at footy, you'd have had more role models to look up to. How many times have I slept with someone and at that time that was the best sex they'd ever had. Like not that they couldn't have better afterwards. In that moment where like that was like the best for them.

How many times was I in the top 100 in the world for bags of crisps eating that day? Yeah. I've knocked it off a few times. Yeah. How many like what was the biggest poo I ever did? Like world ranking. What's my total poo kilogram? Wait. I honestly reckon I'm in the top 5% of all time. All time, it's 32.

Is it? If you never spent- If you've- I've been doing it since he was 12, haven't I? If you've never spent a penny in your life and you accumulated every bit of money you ever found or earned or was given, how much money would you have?

Do you know what I worked out through the day? So if, raise, if your dad, you call your dad number one, and you call your granddad number two, and your great granddad number three. What number am I? No, right. So you'd be zero.

Oh yeah, shit, sorry. So your dad's one, granddad's two, great granddad's three, and so on. If they all going back forever and a hundred grand a year, every year from the age of 20 to retire and at 65, you, if you, if you went back all the way to 5,077, 5,777 and added every penny they ever in together. You still wouldn't have as much money as Elon Musk made yesterday. Yeah, it's mad, innit?

If you went back to something like minus 500 BC, whatever it was, and earned 10 grand a day, you wouldn't have as much as Elon Musk. It's mad. I love those mad facts like that. Like the Cleopatra one's my favorite fact of all time. She's coming at you. She saw Shrek.

Ha ha. Ha ha. my favorite fact of all time. She's coming at ya. She saw Shrek. Greatest fact of all. No, Cleopatra was born closer to the invention of the iPad than the building of the pyramids. Rosa Parks saw Shrek. Do you know Rosa Parks' husband had a car? No, can we just say, Rosa Parks was alive after Shrek came out. We don't know definitively. She was in the view. I think sat at the back. She was like, Hey, my eyes are fucked. Can I sit at

the front? Oh, um, Roy, Odshin's older than sliced bread. That's a fact. I'm the bannable. I did. I did a bit on stage once where, um, June Brown had died that day that I had the gig at hot water. And, uh, you know, John Riley, the set. I was like, what's June Brown? And she's older than she was older than penicillin. I'm allergic to her as well. Um, I can't remember who it was with someone like Jermaine the phone lived in the same lifetime as Pablo Picasso. Yeah. Because Picasso died in the seventies or something. Have you seen the, there's like four players that if where the careers overlap and you

can get from like the start of football till now or someone's students, not four, but it's the end of now. Oh, was it? I thought Ronaldo. Buffon was one of them. Was it? Buffon was, yeah, smashing it. And like, it might've been Peter Shilton who started in the sixties or something.

And it was like, there wasn't many players that you could... The lineage. Yeah, the lineage, yeah. There's a... Gary Lineage. Last week, there's a fella alive now whose granddad saved in the first American cabinet.

Because like his granddad... Let him out? Oh no, he was the second. It was John Tyler. Yeah. John Tyler was the president of the United States. His grandson is alive now. Yeah. And his pictures of his black woman.

The third ever American president has got a living grandchild. That's how young America is. But yeah, he's, I think John Tyler was born when America was founded. So it's only three generations old. So they had like old kids and now their kids are really old. Like they've got to the end. His granddad was born like 1810 or something.

Isn't that fucking insane? You know, Nintendo was founded when Jack the Ripper was on the loose. Yeah. Those Japanese companies, Kickamins like was founded like when Henry the eighth was about or something. Yeah. It's the best. It's the, it's elite soy sauce. It's, it's the, the goat soy sauce. Oh, that wasn't racism. They kick him in as a boss. It's, it's, it's the red lid and the pole. Oh yeah. It's not only the goat, it's the boat. That's the thing. People, that needs to be a discussion that people need to have. No, well there's goats and boats. So like if you want to put it to football, like you could argue, not now, but like maybe three years ago that like, like gigs is the goat of the premier league. But he's not the best.

But he's not the boat. Yeah. Not the best player, but he's the greatest player. He's won 13 leagues. He's like the most assist. Physical like he's won. Greatness and the best. That's why it's never an argument

when people go, oh, he's the goat. Like they think- So it was the liberon the goat then? Yeah, because like the greatest ever manager for Liverpool is probably Bob Paisley because of what he won. But the best manager is Shankly. Yeah, that's the thing.

It's goats and boats. Like Shankly didn't win as much, but he was the better manager, but he is You know his hall is not as there Yeah Because you can't really like claim Steven Jeddard. I don't know. This is a device of the base He's not the greatest Premier League midfielder, but it you could argue that he was the best Because he was arguably the best at it,

but he didn't win as much. So he can't- Skoll is the goat then, but he isn't. He's not the boat. Depends who you ask, doesn't it? Loads of people say he is. We actually united the funds, they will say Skoll. It's not just united funds, it's...

I think if we're getting into this, and I don't want to, but- Luckily we've only got 45 seconds of this section left. I always think it depends what type of, you know, when the players say it's always the similar type of like any Esther will say Scholes is the best. Whereas like the air might say that the dancers as Zidane's literally said, everyone said, although like if we're going to end in like 10 seconds, it's a two, it's two, it's Scholes and Gerrard. There's no Lampard in this debate.

Like he scored deflected shots from outside the box. Like I'm not having it. Like they're all different players. Yeah. But I don't think he's in my head. He's not a midfielder. So anyway, it is a Scholes and Gerrard debate. And I genuinely think that all the like the Javi type, I'll just sit here and go, bing, bing, bing.

And I can do that and I can do that we'll go skulls and all the people are like I can do everything for me I'll run and score others and everything we'll say Gerard goats and boats. Boats and hoes. Let's go there John Lin. Yeah let's go and get Johnny Lin, he'll be in in two hours. Not for you though. Breaking news happens anywhere anytime. Police have warned the protesters Oh. This situation has changed very quickly. Helping make sense of the world when it matters most. Stay in the know. CBC News. Did I mention on the last one, did I talk about me boots?

I don't know, John, I wasn't here. John Lindsay. Yeah, we are. I pressed it ages ago. There's a production there. Delighted to have you in. I missed you last time. And you were, what were you asking there? You mentioned your boots last time. Yeah. I wasn't sure if I talked about them the last time. Go on, give me a little brief synopsis and I'll say yes or no. Well, because I was just thinking whenever I'm back here,

I always think about the crack here, right? Oh yeah, some kid walked past you and said, No, I was going through Dublin airport. Did I mention that the last time? All right, Grant, sorry boys. You might be the best on the circuit for boots chat. For boots, yeah, yeah. Get Lynn on, he'll chat some Yeah. You boys are the trainers.

The classy one. I'm a boot guy. No, no. Ro lives in coach now. Ro lives with someone else now. I'm boots. I am the only boots man in my gaff as well. The only boots man. I'm the only boots man in fucking with me. They look like they're going to rub them. How are you? I'm great boys. I'm great. Delighted to be back. Just looking at a dog on a table, eating crisps. We're not only our dog sister, but she would have known giving me the finger. She's a witness in the trial that is a dance dance, you know, obviously got some stuff going on which is not here and she needs to be a character witness for the prosecutor. So yeah, last time you, I said, I told you this last night, you stayed in my last

night. I did. I did. And thank you very much for that. I told you that gentle kisser was a clean job. It was well his bedroom was. He stayed in the clothes room. Yeah, yeah. I actually literally sleep in the laundry room with the dehumidifier going all night. And I was like, I never thought I'd end up kipping in Rose jocks room. I literally like getting me eight hours in while looking at his underpants dry. I was like, I've hit it. Actually, John, they're my housemates underpants. I don't claim you on underpants. A man in Versace does it for me.

You might have had the messiest room I've ever seen when we lived together at one point. That is not true. It's not true. I know. So I think you've got an absolute cheek when you recount all the time. No, I don't get me wrong. I'm messy as well. Do you know what rooms he's seen? Yeah, I've also seen the room he was in. No, I don't get me wrong. I see as well. Did you know what rooms he's seen? Yeah, I've also seen the room he was in. No, he's not tidy. No, absolutely not.

Which he is not tidy. Absolutely not. He makes me look like Mary Antoinette. No, I've heard was tidy. Me. I also stayed in that house. And you know what I remember from it? You boys would never do the washing up that was the

I would do the washing you would do no you wouldn't I'm waiting for Jack to talk see um yeah we live with other people so they they they tended tended to do it yeah because when I crashed it was a girl. Had Dan moved out. What? Did I move out and you moved in? Yeah, you stayed there in like different stages. I was there before the laugh in went. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was there when you stayed over that night.

Yeah, right. I don't know why, but I was in yours. You came over to watch Harry Potter. Did I? Genuinely, that's what, there, that's what. We all just had a little duvet day watching Harry Potter on a Sunday I've totally forgot that yeah, man. I never To call memory for me. Yeah

Is the 3 a.m. Roast dinner McGregor Aldo and I missed the fucking knockout cuz I was cutting into a roast potato Yeah, you remember when I thought you were dead But you were just asleep in your remember when I thought you were dead? But you were just asleep in your room. I thought I couldn't, you'd like, your phone was off. I was banging on your door. You'd like, and you just, you was in there, but.

So I can't go back? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I don't remember that. I thought you were dead though. And then I went in your room and it looked like one of them, you know, the maps, the games on your phone where you have to like find things, like the hidden things.

Do you know what I mean? Do you know, you like press it, you like find things, like the hidden things. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what you like pressing? You're like, find a broken key and you're like, oh, it's there under the fucking, the box set of Lynx Africa. It was just like you had a broken drawer. Listen, we all have broken drawers sometimes, you know. Can't be just going around with, sorry, Mr. Fucking, Mr. Millionaire,

and he always fix drawers. So do you guys ever miss those days when you lived together? Yeah, yeah. It was class. Yeah. Like he'd bring me like a Saturday night. I'd have been doing hot water or one of the other three gigs I was booked for at the time.

And he'd be coming back from something like midnight. And he'd be like, hey, I'm starving. Do you want to meet me at the gate? And we'd go and have like an Indian at like midnight. Cause you're on comics time. No one else on comics time are they? Um, but I, like I said to you last night that I checked, um, from when you were last on you, you spoke about Leonardo DiCaprio and the clip had like nearly a million views cause he like exposed Leonardo DiCaprio for being a bit of a Lothario. It was breaking news.

That's why I think of more of myself as an investigative journalist. You've had death threats from Leo super fans? Man, I got all these messages like people going, who the fuck are you to say anything about Leo? He's a legend. You're a nothing. If we ever see you. All this madness. But I also got one dude going on a bit. I was such a dick because I was drinking Maretti. Remember I was drinking cans of Maretti and I got to say, look at you. You think you're brilliant with your Maretti. Fuck you. And I really thought I was like, man, this has got to be some of the lads winding me

up or whatever. But then you get another one like a bit later. It was crazy, man. Like is that your first experience of online hate? Yeah. Well, I like half the reason I never went through the online stuff was at the start of it. I remember doing like the, uh, the apprentice show in Ireland, you know, and you do the panel and talk about them, whatever. And man, it went really well. And they were like, Oh, we'd bring it back. And then I stupidly did the thing and looking at all the comments and the hate man, the hate I got like that guy's voice is they sounds like all this shit. His fucking boots are shit. It just freaked me out, man.

So I kind of like backtracked off all of that. But it was funny, I spoke to my mate about it and he was like, answer them. Get a bit of crack out of it. You know what I mean? So I started answering them like, thanks so much for your feedback, man. Like saying it as if they loved me

and then they'd get more antagonistic. And I kept just doing it till they stopped, you know Do you know what I've done a couple of times? I'll get like a proper horrible one on Twitter and I just DM them and I go Hey mate, obviously if you're sending stuff like that to people you don't know on the internet You must be having a really difficult time And yeah, I hope it I hope it all clears up for you and you know Whatever's causing you this pain in your life sort sort yourself out. And they always immediately crumble.

And they're like, do you know what, mate, I've been bang out of order there. Like, thank you so much. I am having a bad few weeks. It's completely, to be overly nice to someone who's been a cunt to you. You should then call them a shit. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. That's what I was saying. No one knew them. Once you got them like opening up, you'd be like, and that's why no one loves you. You're gonna die alone in a cave. Fuck you you. You see what Hayley Ellis does? No. So when it's a shit comment I think it's Hayley she comments so someone goes oh this isn't even funny she'll just comment thank you for signing up to the Hayley Ellis

fan club newsletter please write stop to unsubscribe and then it's just some fucking gammon going stop. I'm sorry this didn't register at this time. Please. Stop. Stop. People who defend celebrities are the worst people. I think man there was one guy message me and he was like, I worked down at the Marina and I see Leo gone and he brings guests like this big detailed madness. And then he was like, you made that up to try and get close to Leo. It's, you know, you're a nut and he's everything. All this madness. And I was like, dude, why would you give that much? It's happening at the

minute with Musk. Like someone goes on Twitter shit and the low is still was dudes going, yo, how many cars have you invented? Like, and it's people who think that it's also like define invented. Cause when I was a kid, I'd done some drawings. I reckon if they count, I've done well more than he has. And he put a knife in a cardboard box. Yeah. Robot wars. Yeah. Build a robot robot. Wasn't my granddad. What was it called? Adam. Oh right. Yeah. So John, your voice was at my house today. My wife, your voice, my voice was just my house today. My what? Your voice. My voice? Was it just in your head, Carl? It could only have been yours.

I was watching a very legal football stream that was coming from Ireland and you were on an ad with it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to do a lot of those voiceovers but... It was definitely you, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the ad for? I can't remember.

I bet you I know what it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What was the other for? I can't remember It was I bet you I know what it was really good market They once don't worry about the product as long as they recognize that Me phone, but it sounded lovely. I went that's John Lint and then the adverting finished Yeah, I heard your voice. Well, I remember once it so Did you was Harry still around when you guys, me dog, like that Labrador Harry? Don't know whether I brought him up here, but anyway, he used to come with me all the time. And I remember rocking out, I was the voice of Irish Ferries and I always

got Sten a line, but then I was been the voice of Irish Ferries. They gave me a load of cash and I went, I better use Irish Ferries. And then I rock up to get there and they go, you can't bring dogs on here. So I had to miss a load of gigs, bring the dog back to draw it out to get a friend of mine to come out to pick me up. And when I was in the car driving away, losing a shit load of work, I come on the radio telling myself Irish ferries were the best ferry in the Irish sea. Then I'm screaming at me seven or eight. No, you're fucking not. Fuck you. But it would have been worse though, if you'd have gone, no, you can't have dogs.

Listen, we've got this message and it's you going, please do not bring your dog. I'm actually top apologies for that accent by the way. That was American as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean you could have just checked before you took the dog all the way to the. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you could have just checked before you took the dog all the way to the yeah. Yeah. I know. Good idea. Well, I just presume because it was like, you know, they go from nearly the same spot. I just presumed it was the same thing. And I love you to bits, but like you do get lost and stuff. Don't you? Last night. So last night I cycled to hot water and we did hot water together and I was like, right, give me 40 minutes to get home. So give it 20 minutes, order a taxi and then we'll get home same time.

He got talking to a few people after the show. So he messages me, I think it was at like 10 to 11. He goes, I've just finished talking to some people after the show, I'm gonna get an Uber now. And an hour later he still wasn't there. So I'm like trying to ring him on Instagram because I haven't got his phone number. No one's got his phone number. No, he doesn't have a phone number. He just an international man. But I'm like, they can't tame me. I'm a wild horse. If you, you know what I mean? You close that gate and kicking it down, build that wall and jumping over it. I'll come in for a nibble, but you can't

constrain me. No one's getting the number. No one. He had me address and he'd been stood outside the hotel next to my flat for 45 minutes and then was just on Egbert's road, just walking up and down. Yeah. I may have had a few drinks. And that's Matt, because I live in Heighton. I was embarrassed then and I was like, I gotta be able to find this house, man. I have the address. I was walking around and yeah, I must have walked by it about four times. And then I saw it's the side of the building. I was going to different sides and then I

gave up and was like, come and get me Adam. He had to use a battery pack to charge his American phone to ring me off as a American phone because this British one had died Mental how many phones have you got John? Two? American one and Yeah, cuz I did you like when that pops up. It's West Hollywood on it. Yeah, I literally thought hang on Netflix I've thought twice here They're gone, you know what don't put it out. We'll have it.

It was Leonardo. Tell John Lennie's a cunt. Cut it out Leo. I made you look like a God. That's the other thing that with all the hate, I was like, man, he looks like a cool fucker. What if I'd have gone on and said actually something sinister? Like what? Yeah. Like, I don't know. He fucking, you know, he's a Tom bins or you know what I mean? Who knows? It is quite sinister when he does though. Or what he did. That is sinister. I don't know, man. There's like shaggers or once they're not sex pests, you know what I mean? Yeah, as long as it's all above you know what I mean? Like, yeah. And like it was fun, man, I wouldn't envy it because I do remember going in with these

lads, they were big entrepreneurs, whatever, into this real fancy club in LA and the Caprio was at the back of the room, but he's hiding down there. Like they bring him in a side door. He's a hoodie on. And I was asking the security guys, cause I kind of got to know them. I was like, what's the story there? And they're like, Oh, people will go absolutely fucking crazy. And if it gets out that he's here, there'll be lines of people forming out the back and it gets all intense. So he has to like, he's to be incognito everywhere he goes, man. I was like, well, that's going to send you a bit fucking weird, isn't it? What helps with that weirdness? A woman half your age. Is there anybody at any point in your life, right? Where you'd have been that excited,

like where if you did, there's somewhere you'd have gone. Has there ever been anyone for you? Like even let's say from the age 16 up, because kids don't really count. So from 16 upwards, is there a famous person where if you'd have heard, hey, guess who's down? Elvis? Having a... Yeah, because he's dead.

Yeah, like that'd be pretty shocking. Have a good day, mate. What's that? Are we talking a Ouija board or what? Just like... If I said to you, like, guess who's at Pret a Monge having an almond croissant. Who would that have to be for you to race a press a Monday? I went to Ashton to see, um, to see Emerson

boys former FA cup winning captain from Barbados Emerson boys. And I mean, I do it. You do one of the best right backs of all time. Are we talking? What's this football? We're talking shit, John. No, we're not. We're talking Barbadian legend, Emerson Boyce. Wigan Athletic ladies manager, Emerson Boyce.

I went to Ashton on Make It Feel. Did he say hi? Yeah. Did he not go hi? You only scored one goal in your career. You shite lad. I probably scored about the same amount as them as the boys. Fair dues.

There's nobody. What about Drake for you? No. What? You love Drake? Since when? You've always listened to Drake. That's such a diss that.

That's a great insult that. In company just telling someone that they don't even like you. You like Drake don't you? Tell me is how much you like Drake and then just leaving it. Everyone's like, go on Carl, tell me about it. If Luke Combs was in Pridhams, would you go? 100% yeah. I'd put my cowboy ass on and my fucking denim jacket. You'd think he was a bad cunt. He wouldn't.

He'd be like, why is Zach Dingle come down here? By the way, if we can bond over Emmerdale, and I'm his fucking class, by the way. I just meant you look like Zach Dingle with your cowboy hat on doing the hillbilly rock. Would you really dress up as him? Why? Because I didn't put a Barbados International kit on and go see Emmerdale.

He's not dressing up as him. Did you not black up? He is. Listen, it's me. No, I would go down, no. Would you? Like, if you told me right now. He's having a bevy and the scram with his family and you're like, hey Luke! No I just wouldn't do that.

What would you do? Just look through the window. Would you disturb him? I'd just go and stand near him. Do you know Barack Obama? Yeah. Yeah because he's like one of the most famous people ever. Leonardo DiCaprio wouldn't be asked to fucking act it. He's not the first black person in the United States. It'd have to be someone that you think you could get on with.

You couldn't just go and see him. You'd have to go in the hope that you can then be mates with him, I think. See, in my head, that's why I would go if Luke Combs was there, because the only reason we're not best mates is he hasn't met me. So that's why, yeah. So have you heard my theory that, I had not a theory, but there was a genuine time that I thought if I saw her, I'd have a, I'd have a good crack at Rihanna. Like in my head, I'd be like the fingers. I've mentioned this before on other stuff, but I was like, I don't think she'd just tell you to fuck

off straight away. Go on, so Rihanna's impressed with Monjay, you think you've got a chance at what? Yeah, if she dropped an unnamed fruit, and I was like, oh, you've dropped that, there you go, and she'd be like, oh, and then we'd just be chatting away. I genuinely think she wouldn't be like, oh, look at you, peasant, and have a chat with her.

But you think she's cool. Yeah, and then I think I could- If she said unnamed peasant. You just throw her fucking fruit back on the floor. But there are people that would be like, basically what I'm saying is I think she'd be sound enough to like, she'd give you like five minutes. She's also from Barbados.

Yeah. So you could chat about Emerson Boyce. Yeah. She's like, you know, Emerson Boyce, you're like, Emma. Emma B. Like are you a Wigan fan? Do you want to fuck me? But I always, obviously not, but there was like a time between like maybe 2011. Is it you were the realest? No, I just always thought that like where there's some celebrities wouldn't even look at it.

I think she'd always like, basically she wouldn't look at you and go, she'd let you have a five minutes to try and, and then in that five minutes, I think, by my sheer force of personality, she'd be on it. So it is me question, right? So let's say, let's say we'll stick with Pret a Monge. Can I just say, I don't believe that now. That was, that was a- Oh, she's a bitch now.

No, there was a point in time where I thought that it was, it was a brief thing. So imagine this, right? So it's back then you walk past the Liverpool brand, so press them on Jay and you just look in and you're like, is that Briana? Rappin on unnamed fruit. Right. Briana, Briana, Briana's there.

Right. Would you and there's no security. She's just enjoying a little hair time in Liverpool. She's reading a book. She's reading Malcolm Gladwell's outliers. The secret, the only book in your car. Yeah. And I'm reading the game. That's why I think so. Do you think at that point, and you know she's single, cause like two months before it was in the news that she broke up with someone, you know she's single. Do you think you would have gone off and spoke to her?

Do you think you'd have had the bottle to go open and be like, hey girl. I genuinely think, and I'm not just flexing here at that time, say we're all single or whatever. I genuinely think I would rather just try that than like some girl from Chester that I fancy that you're going to have to see again. You're like, fuck it. I may as well like, I've like, what's going to happen? She's never going to remember me. She's not going to be like some party at the, she's not going to be at the rock nation brunch being like, oh,

is it as in Pret a Manger and Wiggin. And this guy like fucking tried it on. Like she was not gonna remember that. So yeah, like I think I would, I think I wouldn't like, but I just chatted with her. I wouldn't be scared of her going fuck off. Jack and you'd have a chance with Rihanna, John. Yes. No.

You don't look like it. No. I don't, I don't. I do remember, I was like, well you boys are talking there. Before I went to LA, I was like, I'm going to need more money. So I went back doing a bit of sub teaching and I ended up in this real posh school by Camden. It's like 40 grand a year for these little kids. So they're all crazy little rich kids. And I really didn't want to be seen doing it,

you know what I mean? Like I was like keeping it on the down low. And this lady came in and I was like, oh man. So the school was that posture to sign off the kids to their guardians or their parents at the door at the end of school. And it was really crazy. I remember having them for class and I was like,

if you do this, you can go on the internet for 50 minutes. And they started showing each other their holiday homes. And these little 11 year olds like, oh, Papa loves the lodge in the woods, but mommy is such a beach girl. And showing the villa in Spain and shit. But this woman came in to pick up a kid and I was like, I recognize her and I was like, shit, is she a cast an agent or a producer or something? And I was like, hi, is she a cast an agent or a producer or something? And I was

like, hi, and she's really friendly. And I was chatting away and I was like, Oh man, I'm rumbled, you know, and I turned to me teaching assistant. I said, I think I definitely know that woman. Is she a TV producer? What does she do? You want to look something goes that's sporty spice. I was really, Hey, how's it going? And she was just been nice. I loved that. Like that can't have been that long ago. And she was still sporty spice in a professional capacity. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She's from crontin. I think. Run corn. She's supposed to be very sound. She gave that TA a proper, I dunno, one of them Louis Vuitton bags or something to thank her for looking after kids. She's, they bitched about everyone in there except those sporty spies.

She was my Spice Girl once I was an adult. Like when I was younger, it was Jerry. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Why? Do you think? Sp, not for me. No, she was in a Jesus Christ superstar. That's why. That's where she, yeah. That's where she bloomed for you. I just wanna fuck God. That's what it is. This is how you know no one really likes Sporty Spice

because everyone used to say the same thing. They'd be like, be like, oh, which ones you like? And they'd be like, well, Sporty Spice is the best singer. Like that's all anyone would ever say. They'd be like, oh. Like once she wasn't sporty anymore, she was fit. Like once she did that one with Brian Adams. She's aged well.

Baby when you gone. Yeah, that one. Yeah, that by the way. That was fucking June. Melanie Chisholm. When I was a kid, I think the start of my, so I have a bit of a fantasy with dress up. Any sort of like fucking, hey, I'm a nurse,

but you're not getting tested. You're getting fucked like that. So what about fur easy into that? No, that's too far. That's too far. I think that's, I think that started with Jerry Alliwell in the- I was gonna say, I thought it was started with sports,

but I'll put a pair of fucking Adidas pop-ups on and the 1996 Liverpool away shirts. Ooh. What's your dress, a soldier who's died at war? No, I don't think you've seen soldiers who've died at war. Just because it's like, she looks like she's in fancy dress, doesn't she? Jerry Alliwell in the Spice Girls.

When she's in that like Union Jack thing and her hair was like big and mad and ginger, it looks like a costume. Even though she's just being herself. Is that not because in hindsight now, everyone has gone as that, as fancy dress. That's possible too. So therefore that becomes fancy dress.

That is a fancy dress ring out now, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the nursing thing never did it for me. My mom's a nurse. Same. Yeah, so it was always glad to go. I was going, that's not right. That's not gonna work for this guy.

See, my mom worked in a fruit and veg shop. That does it for me. Yeah. I love a dusty and veg shop. That does it for me. Yeah. Yeah. I love a dust mordaing. Tell me are these apples ripe? You've used the wrong apostrophe going on. So do you not get the nurse thing just because your ma's a nurse? Um, but she never dressed like that. I don't think many nurses do. Why is this not PVC? Yeah. You wear like horribly blue, like scrub look and things, the actual nurses don't they?

Yeah. My mom was always in Lycra. It's not making sense now. But like, yeah, like French made and all that heavy gear there. It's class, isn't it? Yeah. The French made. You've always laughed at me for this. No, I haven't.

Have you not? No. Okay. I get it. That's your thing, the French maid. You've always laughed at me for this. No, I haven't. I mean, no. No. Okay. I get it. That's your thing, the French maid. No, it's not mine, but like I understand. Okay, Carl, you can talk to us. Oh, it's mine. This is in private.

French maid is the top one. No, mine's a golf sale sign. Just stood there like that with the golf sales. That's my favorite outfit. Naked behind her. No, just full on like workwear. What does your mum do, Annie? She's a hypnotist. Is she really? Is that a job? Or she's a, she's a counselor and like therapist, but she does hypnotherapy, which is why she's going to hypnotize Finn into like eating buddies, like bacon buddies. Imagine having to be hypnotized. I didn't know what you meant by buddies

when you said that. And I was literally, that's a bit, and I'm so happy to hear bacon prefacing that. Is that not a thing in Ireland, buddies? Is it a sandwich? I'll make you a buddy. Sarny, isn't it? Sarny, I think, yeah.

No, I don't like it. I was never into that shit. An Australian with Sandok. Or Sanga. Sandok? Yeah, yeah, Australian's abbreviated everything. Sanga or Sandok into that shit. An Australian with Sandro. Or Sanga. Sandro? Yeah, yeah. Australian or Sandro. He played for QPR.

That's Sandro. He's just signed for a seventh tier football team, hasn't he? I love that though, because that's the love of the game. Yeah. He's getting no money there. I'd do that if I was like. Former Tottenham midfielder and Brazilian superstar, Sandro.

It's like you dropping in to do Mr. Benz and it like, just like, oh, we got a proper dude here. Shouldn't be doing it. I love doing little like tiny gigs. Like when you start again, it's class. So you can feel like Sandro in the seventh season of the football pyramid. What are you excited from golf salesperson?

I've never really like honestly. What happens if someone said to you, I want you to dress up, what do you pick? Nothing. Like a bollock on. No, just like I've never been a, it's never been a thing. And what if a girl goes, I like you to dress up. Can you, what would you go as?

No, I'd say go and get someone else to dress up. Oh, genuinely. What if it's Rihanna? I'd say no. I'm not compromising. I don't think you're that strong. I don't think you're that strong. I don't think you're that strong. Rihanna.

Rihanna's like, I want you to be a sexy fireman. You're not just putting the hat on and getting your ozone. You've been climbing up that pole. No, I genuinely would. I'd never, I've never been that guy. I don't think I could do it. So with me, I don't know what you'd do. Because, oh, look, I'm dressed as a fireman. So with me, I cringe. What you do because I, Oh, look,

I'm dressed as a fireman. Do you then just say, what you do then you just take it off. You just do nothing until November the fourth to the seventh. I'm a fireman and now it comes off. Was it, was it Trevor Crook who used to do that joke? Yeah. My missus to spice things up. She dressed up as a, in a school uniform, but she just looked like a slow learner to me. Yeah. Like what you're right though, like you're dressed as a fireman. You're like, right, right. Go and get up that tree. Yeah. So you walk into your, the lady and you're like, I'm dressed as a professor. Yeah. No, they don't say that, but like and you're like, I'm dressed as a professor.

Yeah, no, they don't say that. But like you like, hey, and they're like, well, then you like, it depends on what you want to get into college to revise. Yeah. I'm beginning to get you boys talking about bonding over Harry Potter is a bit of a oh, my God, get get your robes and your wand out. All the more that I get that. robes and your wand out. I get that. I just don't know what you do. Let me sit on your face. No, you'll slide off it. Girls stay in the outfit. Don't because you know, but

we have to like, no, you don't have to take it out. You just have to get your knob out. Yeah. But then you'll win either poo in as a fireman. No, is that what Tom Jones meant? You can leave it at all. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. Well, maybe she had alopecia. I can't wait to get you naked girl. You can leave you that on. Why do you got no eyebrows? Trying to make her feel comfortable. Yeah, like I've done the fireman thing. You just get your knob out. What? Do you just get your knob out? What do you mean?

You walk in, knob out. Yeah, so they come over and then like sometimes they'll be like, Oh, where do we need to go? Where's the fire exit? And you go, I'll fucking put my fire in your exit. And then she's like, that's a disappointing hose. I never realized you were such a romantic. What? I never realized you were such a romantic.

I'll do whatever women want apart from the dishes. Same with Jack. Oh, man, you just got your no out. You know, with any outfit. Yeah. You should suit of armor. Yeah. Get your cod piece off. Yeah. Just pop the cod piece. So you put them. What's the point then? Because they think they're getting fucked by a fireman. They're not like just let them just let them fuck a fireman. Like if that was me, I'd be like, just go and fuck a fireman from back. I'll be here me. New cons out. It is as well. Have you ever done Dressel?

A buddy of mine, Jer Devine is an actual fireman and he's a good looking boy Jer. And he was telling me when he first started, he was kind of, cause he was a builder first and he got into it and whatever. He's in his fire truck and it was a couple of girls standing there and he's like, hello ladies thinking, you know, well this fireman thing kick in the two girls turned to him and they went, Oh, look at you and your uniform. Chew, chew train drivers train the wrong uniform. Let me rip in the piss out of them. Going like, so if that was me, I'd be like, Oh, this would be easy. They're stupid. I think this is a train. When he started, a horse

was hit on the road and you know that the blood from a horse becomes like an oil slick. I don't. Thanks for teaching me that. He was told here that's going to be like an oil slick. Run into that garden and get some soil to stop the stem of the blood. So he runs into the garden and starts digging up some soil and this old lady in Tallinn the garden, starts digging up some soil and this old lady in Tallinn, Dublin come out the front door and she went, no, no, no fucking way you're burying that thing here.

Oh, that's funny. Oh, you got me, John. Oh dear, that's so funny, you got me. Let's have a little break and we'll come back and do some questions. Welcome back to the final section! Still got Danny, still got John, still got all the boys, minus Finn and Dan and Will. Nope, there's no fear. You got any questions, Harry? We do.

This is a question from Jamie Hughes. Hey, let's quick one for you. What are some jobs that you believe are stealing a living? I was driving to work this morning and saw lollipop ladies working on a Pelican crossing. The traffic lights and the red and green man are literally doing their job for them. All they do is walk out when the green man is on and walk back when

it goes red the other one I thought of was third-choice goalies interesting to hear your thoughts so what do you think is a job that is used as a Liverpool fan I can't stand the third-choice goalie thing at the minute actually because our third-choice goalies done really well for us because our first choice is severely injured second choice is playing up most of the games so we need that third-choice goalie you? I think what they're getting at there is Scott Carson, who's played like minus seven minutes for City and has actually won like four league titles.

I think it's hard to beat the fucking lollipop woman, isn't it? In the modern era. I don't think we need people working in gyms. Okay. Because the gyms are, the 24 hour gyms don't really have people in. You need at least one. You could have someone like in an office looking at a screen going, Oh, someone's just fell over there. Like you need to maybe someone to do like to there in case there's an injury. What do you need them for? You're walking over going, I'd ease the weights. Yeah, exactly. I think that's a pointless job.

It's the treadmill. The Olympics have lifeguards for the swimming. I think that's pretty pointless. That is a good one. Yeah, that's a good one. Is it though? Yeah, because the people who are swimming can't see someone else drowning, because they're swimming. And also, what if someone has like a heart attack while they're swimming and they're drowning and having a heart attack? Yeah, but surely they're like...

That's fucking stupid, Harry. Sort yourself out. I think if you're in the Olympics and you manage to drown and you're in a swimming event, and even worse if you're not, but if you're in a swimming event and you manage to drown and you're in a swimming event. And even worse if you're not. But if you're in a swimming event and you manage to drown, there's been a massive error with you getting in the first.

Well, there was a fella from the Gambia that almost did. Have you ever seen that? Eric the Eel. Yeah, Eric the Eel. And he was in a heat with two other people. And then those two people did a false start and got disqualified. So he was the only person in his heat

and he almost didn't make it. Yeah. Do you remember the woman one as well, what she was the only person in his heat and he almost didn't make it. Do you remember the woman one as well, what she was called? The skier? No, the swimmer as well. So there was Eric the Eel and there was Paula the crawler and she was dreadful as well. When was this? Like 2008 Olympics maybe, maybe 2012.

Eric the Eel and Paula the crawler. Equatorial Guinea, Eric Musambani. He was at the 2000 Summer Olympics. He's the only swimmer ever from Equatorial Guinea. Yeah. That scams you. Yeah, get it. It doesn't rain.

I remember when we did that little kind of interview thing for Carle Day, you said the people who work at self-service checkouts, and I agree. No, I no i don't know they're like the most valuable people in society but they're useless because you're still there and the lights going and they're like and then they come over they should be like fucking waiting for things to be i'm so glad I forgot about this. You owe me an apology. I owe you an apology. About the Asdas. Oh, none of them 24 seven though?

Told you, the ones that you were looking at, when you Googled you went, oh no, I'm sure that one is. And then we Googled, that'll be a garage that's like a little mini Asda. But there's no more, sorry, I just, there's no more 24 seven Asdas. Petrol station men. Oh, mate.

Oh, we need them, do we? Now that you can put your card in and just fucking. Who's Petrol Station Men? No, what if I want to yop? He's gotta go and get me to yop. Go to the shop. No, but it's after hours. Oh, I thought you meant like the after hours

petrol station men. Oh, with a little window. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can make them go shopping, Joe though? Yeah, it's sick. So good. It's like Pat man. You can like direct them through the aisles. Like, it's just go on tour. Me, Alfie and Jack. I got bored one night and I was like, I'm just going to keep sending this fellow for something else. So I went and I was like, yeah, number seven, please. Mason. I can't have an orange Lucas. Hey,

then he went and got it. And I was like, pack Quavers as well, please. And he went and got it and come back and I was like, chocolate Quavers as well please. And he went and got it. Then he come back and I was like, you're gonna need like chocolate biscuits. I can't remember what the fourth one was, but he was just like, is there anything else? Yeah. Imagine like going to work at the Shell and end up doing a fucking bleep test. It's just the worst thing ever. I had a joke once that I'm,

cause it's always like the maddest people in it that work at these all night garages. So I had a joke was that I'm convinced the reason they lock it and you can't go in, it's to not the maddest people in it that work at these all night garages. So either Joe's, I'm convinced the reason they lock it and you can't go in, it's to not to stop you going in, it's to stop them getting out and drinking the petrol. Like, it's, that's what it's like, they're always the maddest guys. Yeah, like the overnight petrol station people

and also anyone who works in any part of the airport that doesn't pertain to flying. So like anyone who works on the bar or in one of the restaurants or one of the shops at the airport, they're always a bit odd, aren't they? Yeah, I reckon it's because it... Who applies for that job? Do they have to do like security every time they... Every time.

Yeah. They fly in. That doesn't make sense actually, yeah. Or have we need you in fucking Rill? I'm not Rill. Dublin, and then they fly you there. Yeah, because if they're in arrivals, that's sick. Yeah. But yeah, you gotta go through. It's like prison. If you wake in prison, you gotta go through security every time you go in. Of course you do though. Otherwise

you could just work there and take a nuclear weapon. Kim's in prison. I'm no scientist. You haven't seen my ass, John. What's the worst job you've ever had? The worst job. I took a nude modeling job when I was in university, not realizing that they did the life drawing. I'm one of oldest, coldest rooms in the uni. And Mickey was like a fucking acorn man. I had to stand there in front. So the rumors went around that I had the smallest cock on campus.

But luckily, through a lot of hard work, I managed to turn that around. I walked from my house to Anfield the other day for on bonfire night, which was class by the way, walking through Liverpool on bonfire. I felt like I was in the warriors fucking class. But I had the worst case of footy dick I've ever had in my entire life when I got to Anfield. And honestly, I was like, when I went into the bathroom, there was no one at like the urinals near me. I was so grateful for it. Cause if anyone had seen my dick there, like not because like I'm a comedian

and like people would be asked, like if I'd have seen my dick on someone else, I'd have told everybody I knew and I'd have got a slight photo of the fellow and being like, this has got the tiniest. 40-dick rhino sack? Yeah, likeacks, like, it's like airplane wheels in it. Like when it's cold, they just fucking. Girls go what the fuck's footy dick Rhino. In my head, when you said Rhino sack, I thought you meant like massive sack,

but I know what you mean. Like when it shrivels. It's like a little armadillo in it. Yeah. It's got like bridges on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Rhinosack and then your little acorn sat on top. Like a walnut. Yeah. I wasn't even a walnut. No, I meant the balls. Is it a hazelnut or a walnut? Like, you know, the bridge? Yeah. Like a peach stone. Yeah. Going for a bit of weight. Do you reckon girls know that happens? Cause I wouldn't get like my, like peat stone balls out in front of Ellie. I feel like that'd freak her out.

If she really loves you, she'll accept those peach stone balls. If you're never getting your knob out in like minus one degrees weather in front of your girlfriend, I'd love to know what activity you've got planned there. Skiing. Wim Hof. Wim Hof. Skiing with Wim Hof. The girls get this. They get like, have you ever tried any of that Wim Hof stuff? Breathing? I've given it a go, man. It's a weird, like you definitely get a lot of feelings. What's Wim Hof?

Doesn't he just get cold showers? Yeah, like the cold plunge breathing method. Well, it's all about taking as much breath as you can. It kind of gets your... It's interesting, man. Give it a go. The oxygen will stimulate and you'll feel a bit weird. You do strike me, John, as someone who'll be into that sort of stuff, like ice baths and that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, man. You feel absolutely fantastic. I like to swim in the winter here. And it's

so funny because in Australia, like the winters are mild and you're walking down a swim in the Australian winter and people genuinely think you're going to take your own life. You know what I mean? People are freaking out and you're like, dude, it's so mild. 13 degrees, this is the hottest day of the year back home. Why is Ian snorkel on a railway bridge? They've got me fins on, flapping around. Stunning, fucking ankle deport with a gun to your head. Are you all right? I'm going for a swim.

It's not even that cold. What's wrong with you people? I like, I like a cold swim though. Oh, you don't stay in for long, but you feel amazing after like we used to go swimming mad hungover on Christmas day and all that stuff. Man, you get in that water in bits. There is so much information about your family in that sentence. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Swimming mad, hungover on Christmas day. The lens like a soap. Do you like, would your family go big drinking Christmas Eve? Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I like a pint or four on Christmas Eve. That's enough. No, we're heavy on it, yeah, yeah.

It's a big one. I did it once, got right, it just ruined me dinner and everything. And it's like, what's the point? Like, you can get pissed any night, fuck it. Santa doesn't come every night. Do you know what I mean? The only time I ever ruined Christmas day

was when I worked in Envy and they stayed open Christmas Eve until 6 a.m. So I didn't get home till 8 a.m. on Christmas morning. It's weird vibes as well. Chris, everyone's gone. Like, and it's just like the sad ones. I think the cool are ruin Christmas day. Like I don't think she could. Yeah. I got to Christmas night. Christmas day night. Yeah. Yeah. Like, well, Christmas Eve was always drinking in the pubs and then Christmas day was drinking at home. But I remember my brother coming in from Christmas Eve, absolutely pissed out

of his face. And we'd gotten a new dog, the dog had taken a shit. My brother stood in it so pissed he didn't notice. And he decided he wanted to go around to everyone's room and tell them he loved them. So he literally walked dog shit into every single room in the house. Yeah, but people might have saw the footprints and thought it was Santa. Hang on, that's reindeer shit. Is that soot?

Oh, he's a... The dog's been shitting in the chimney again. To be fair though, right, I remember when it was like one of Rudy's first Christmases and we did like glitter footprints through the house. And I reckon dog shit would have been easier to get out of the house. Like this was like five years ago

and there's still glitter in the house now. But I reckon at least the shit would be gone by then. Glitter's mad. I went on a date with this girl and man, it wasn't gone. It was like weird. Like I was just out of a long relationship and you know the way you're still heartbroken. You have no game. You don't really know, everything's awkward.

It's the coldest class in campus, she's drawing you. Yay! And I'm going, give a little leeway for the temperature lads, just a little, come on fairs fairs! It's like a holiday camp. I'm on the other T's here. This building was built in 1852. Keep that in mind. If you're doing it to scale, please put a for mama's head in the corner. Me sitting on a hot water blanket before I get up. Are we ready to go girls? What the, um, Oh, what were we talking about before?

You went on a date. It wasn't going. Oh, the glitter. And this girl says to me, um, Oh, what were we talking about before? You went on a date. It wasn't going. Oh, the glitter. And this girl says to me, you're never going to forget this date. And I kind of went, am I not like, I was like, maybe, maybe it's, I was like, maybe it's going better than I thought. And she went walk me home and I walked her back and I was thinking, Jesus Christ, we got to the door and said, this is me. And she opened the door and then she turned around and she'd literally had, she went, blew it all over me fucking face. And

it was in me hair for about three weeks after that. I've never fucking forgotten that. Never saw her again, but I've never forgotten. She was a hundred percent right. Oh, she's got a nightmare before Christmas tattoo. Yeah. That's what that sounds like. You know those quirky girls like, Oh, glittery. Yeah. That would tear me on a bit though, because I would immediately think she's fucking mental. I was totally. I only stopped texting her when you know, when you look and you see it was

like three unanswered and you go, nah, this is getting creepy. And then you go like that and it's like silver and blue. You're like, oh, it was, it was coming out for generally for ages. Yeah, there's a little bit there. That's a bit of gray. Another question. Yeah, go on. This is from Tom Schofield.

Wag wag lids question. If you had started your own fraternity, like an American university frat house, what hazing methods would you put in for new members to enjoy in order to join the have a word frat? I don't even like this in Ireland. No, no, there's none of that sort of. I hate this, mate. I hate this like-

Hazen. Yeah, like if anything, it should be like, just it's always wacky in it like oh you can't turn left all day. He's got a war if you if you can't if you turn left we just bat you with a fucking pillowcase with stones in it. Yeah that's what I mean so that but that's annoying and it like just doing that all the time. I think it should be like mundane shit. Like if you really want to join the fritter go and sell Sky in

a shopping centre for the day. Go and do a shift in the fishmongers and then we'll let you in. Like instead of just doing wacky shit like oh get you. I don't think it is always wacky shit. Sometimes it's fucking horrible. Sometimes you have to like suck off all the elders don't you? In the fishmonger. Yeah it's like drink like a bottle of tequila. It's dangerous. We're pissing it. Yeah it's stupid. I just don't think and also I don't think then that makes them at least do it some it where you know

They're qualified to be good in the fraternity But a fraternity is not just like lads lads lads I was drinking contest really in it Sounds like lads lads lads, but then you want someone who's willing to do all the shit then aren't you? No, I want sensible men Sensible men who can upsell a movies and a sports package. That's what I want. Come to us, here's all the dishes. I'm going to watch exactly what order you do these in.

Now, do notice that there's wine glasses and a bacon shake, so... Here's all the dishes, but the only dish that counts is the one that's on the side of the house. Have a word, I don't know, something to do with those. In the social network, he carries a chicken around for all of his classes. For a listen to Finn's music for an hour. Oh fucking hell. People kill themselves.

We didn't have fraternities, but like you definitely had that lad eat like the shit we used to do to each other. Like one of the lads, Dave Dooley, he snogged this girl on the night out. And then next day he was asking her out, whatever. And she said, look, that was a mistake or just see as a friend, whatever. And we all thought it'd be a great idea to switch her phone number. It's just mean. Oh, man. And I got out of hand.

It was supposed to be a man that boys play. Now, look, I wasn't really involved, but the boys played the long game like they proper, this went on for months. If he bumped into the girl in the campus, they'd listen to the conversation and then put that little bit into the text. Good to see you today. You know, hope the weekend and Tipperary. He went, well, he was like, I think she's coming around boys. You know what I mean? This is not for a few months. And then the last, so let's ramp it up. So I went, look, I've been thinking about everything.

I think you and me could work together. Come over tonight with a bottle of wine. Dooly, we're all picking out his shirts. You know what I mean? The black is slimming, man. You look great in the black, not the blue. You know how that one works. And he arrives around to the house with a bottle of wine, stinking after she were kids were in uni like 21 or 20 or something stinking after she opens the door and her jammies and sees him standing there all dressed

up with a bottle of wine. And she got scared. She proper went Dave what, what we've talked about this, what the fuck is going on? And he is trying to hide the wine behind us. Cause he twigs as soon as she opens the door, she's like, but you brought wine and then he had to explain it all. And then arrived back to the house. Oh, nasty shit, man. Funny though. Yeah. But when that stuff goes a bit too far and then consider did it in uni, we're getting like thirds and two twos. It's like, mate, put your efforts into your actual schooling. You might do well. It's the one we know when he changed mom. Jamba. He changed mom's number in his phone

and old dad. And then Jamba, it was two lads we know, and it was, your dad's just gone out. No, sorry, Jay's just gone out, come round and fuck me. Do you remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they changed his number in his phone to mum, so when they text the lad, it come up as mum. So they made it look like he'd accidentally. Yeah, oh, Jay's just gone out.

Come round and fuck me. His dad's out, come round and fuck me. So he'd thought his mum was cheating on his dad and he told his dad. Oh My god, yeah, like his dad just gonna come down and fuck me turns up at his dad me like yeah Yeah, and his mum's just sat there watching like the weakest link I'm gonna bag her the details. Yeah, it's horrible. All that laddie shit man, like all the rugby dudes and that Oh, yeah, they just bum each other's head in. Yeah All that laddie shit, man. Like all the rugby dudes and that. Oh yeah, they just bum each other's head in, I don't know.

Yeah, oh, like, oh. Fuck gay, it's rugby, suck me balls, go on. Uh-oh, I wanked him off, but it's not gay because the gist went backwards. It was a backwards gist, like, shut up, rugby players. I don't think that one's too far, though. I think it's mean. Like, in that moment, obviously, you don't want the girl to be scared,

but as soon as he goes, oh, I know what's happened, like whatever, and it calms down, that's just them funny... It is mean, but sometimes mean's funny. Yeah, well, I know, and it calms down. That's just them funny, it is mean, but sometimes means funny. It's funny. Yeah, well, I know the main instigator got punched in the head. Yeah, well. Do you think, honest question, this your group of mates?

Yeah. So the lad who it got done to, do you think he'd have got involved if it was someone else? Yeah. So then fuck him? Yeah, he probably would. Do you know what I mean? If he'd have got involved. I don't think he'd let it go as far. Okay. Like they did kind of did get a bit out of hand man. Like it was, you know, when people are getting freaked out, like properly freaked out, you know, I think it's great.

It still makes me laugh when I think about it. I'm too much of a like a mad like pessimist. I'd be thinking like, yeah, but what if he gets run over on the way there and he shouldn't have even been going there and his death's on our hands. I think like that, like four steps ahead. I think if you're doing it, it has to be someone who can take it. Like take a running over. We'll have to do it to Alan. You run over six times.

Hard as nails. He just gets up. But I mean, like, you know, fellas who were going to break under that man are a bit too sensitive or whatever. Like I've got my mate, Patty is a mad man, pulls that type of shit all the time, but he never gets shitty when it's done to him. Like we left him on a road trip. He went in for a

pee in a petrol station and we were getting the ferry back from Wales to Ireland and we just left him there. We just drove off and we went, he'll work it out when he stops panicking. But there'd be loads of people pulling in for petrol and jump in with one of them. We're on the ferry thinking shit, there's no sign of a man. He mustn't have twigged it. Now we're feeling guilty going, he's trapped, you know? And then we see him getting on just before the ferry runs off and he runs up and we thought he'd be pissing. He went, brilliant boys, brilliant. He was loving it. He was like, great story. That was class. He says I was panicking for about 20 minutes and then I can't and you can't break me boys. Whereas other fellas would have just pushed him overboard. Swim home. But you know, you do order lads would have cracked up gone. I can't believe

that. That's why I've never done like roasts or anything like that. Cause I know for a fact that it bothers you too much. Yeah. So I just don't get involved in it. I wouldn't do that shit either. Like I don't get it man. Standing there and Yeah. So I just don't get involved in any of that. I wouldn't do that shit either. Like I don't get it man standing there and everyone. No, I wouldn't be, I'd be too sensitive for that shit. I'd be heartbroken. Well, the roast of Have A Word 2 goes out in a couple of weeks time.

Or is it now? No, it's still a couple of weeks. It goes out the first or second Friday in December. Cool. We'd done it recently and the panel we put together was fucking insane. So it was the roast of Adam and Dan essentially. Me and Dan sat in, obviously you get to do it at the end, but it was Finn Taylor, Ishan Akbar, Rebecca Goodwin, Thomas Green, Hattie Preston, Tom Stade, Freddie Quinn and Daniel Sloss. Stade by the way. I honestly didn't know what to expect from him

because he'd never done one and he fucking killed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Understand the innovation. Oh really, really? He performed it as well. This sounds really good. How could I see this? It'll be on Patreon.com slash have a word pod.

From three pounds. Three pounds you get to watch my video every week. Danny, all this Hustlen. Smashed it early. And if by the time this goes out, you haven't watched me stand up special yet, where have you been, eh? It's on youtube.com slash have a word pod.

It's free and it's currently got 7 million views. Just hoping you have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's possible. Adam Rowe, he's a modest guy, but he shouldn't be. Never claims to be modest, never will. I'm great and you're all fine. End of the pod. I believe you've got to go and do the school run. Yeah. A little why. Yeah. John, you got anything you want to plug or just people to follow you on Instagram?

Yeah. Just give us an hour follow. What am I doing? Yeah. Just Birmingham Dlee next week and then back to Australia in the past. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Cause this is so you missed last week. Let's try and call it amazing. Stand in ovation. They stood taller than they do for stayed. Who was on me and three other.

Good bill. Anything coming up? No, just Instagram in it. Danny MC comedy. No, not I'm doing next year. I think I might be doing a book. Can't tell you what though, but a lot of people will be interested in going by that book. Actually starting a podcast in Sydney called your uncle's

basement. That's what I'm doing. So there you go. Well, we've started, we did a little bit there and when I get back, we're doing more myself and a fellow. I'll Del Bene. That's how I like my pasta. Great comic man. Do you know, he was like, um, the house you guys lived in, he lived in the similar with Patrice O'Neill, Dane Cook, uh, what's his name? Paddy Kelly, man. But he, um, I never knew your man Dane Cook, you know, that guy at the stadium guy, he made millions playing stadiums and he went, I can't trust these business managers. I'm going to hire my brother because it's someone, you know what I mean? That's sacrosanct. His brother nicked 11 million. And like went down for it. I think he got six years has never given the money back, you know. But anyway.

Uh, Finn, have we got any songs or anything? Uh, we do. This one's by Fagin. One man called Fagin and this is called Music I Can Dance To. Hello, I'm Fagin. This is my debut single. Music I Can Dance To. soon. That's it. Thanks for tuning in. Watch my special. Watch everything. Just watch all of it. Yeah. See you soon. I cannot be tamed Do you wanna hear me bang To a song I've never heard On drums I've never played Taking my time and I'm wasting my life It's a long way back

I need my bed feeling There could I be off of the beaten track I can't change my mind I'm a single side of the profanity Who am I? Why do I bother? Asking these these things of you? I don't need it but I don't care All I want is some music I can dance to

All my feelings begin to play All I want is some music I can dance to Stuck on the inside While I sing sweet Caroline It's driving me insane And the DJ starts to say Shall I play that one again? I lift my gun and aim

Running away and I cannot stay now It's a long way down I'm falling in line with the simple side Of my own fallen crown I can't change your mind, you're a single side of the papano groove I who are you, why are you always acting these things out for me? I don't need it but I don't care All I want is some music I can dance to All my feelings begin to blur All I want is some music I can dance to I don't need it but I don't care

All I want is some music I can dance to And all my feelings begin to play All I want is hope Is that what you want from me? Cause that's not who I'm gonna be Is that what you want from me? Is that what you want from me? Cause that's not who I'm gonna be

I don't need it but I don't care All I want is some music I can dance to All my feelings begin to play All I want is some I don't need it but I don't care All I want is some music I can dance to All my feelings begin to play All I want is some music I can dance to Music I can dance to

Music I can dance to