Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #305 with Julian Deane - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: December 2, 2024

Tickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word: Murderers Row | https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/have-a-word-the-live-podcast-tickets/artist/5406541Dan & Finn's Xmas Karaoke Party: https://skiddle.com/e/40096403Dan Nightingale & Fiends Tour | http://dannightingale.comAdam's Tour | https://adamrowe.co.ukComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsRhys' Special: rhysjames.co.ukThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it and I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. We are going on tour. That's right ladies ladies and gentlemen. You've been asking for a while. If you're a fan of the podcast, you've been saying, when are you gonna tour together?

Well, we have just announced the have a word standup tour, Murderers Row. Me and this man right here will be hosting one half each and introducing four guests every night for the best standup you have ever seen in your life. All killers, Murderers Row is a term we use in stand up when it's just all deadly, fantastic comics.

We're booking some of our mates, people you know from the couch. The best stand ups we work with are gonna be out on tour with us. It's gonna be one of the best shows you can ever watch. Tickets are on general sale right now at LiveNation.co.uk and we're going all over the UK. Cardiff, Leeds, Nottingham, Birmingham, Glasgow.

We're even going over to Dublin, London, Manchester. There's all sorts. I might have even missed one or two there. Go to LiveNation.co.uk, search for us, book your tickets and come and see us. And I'll tell you right now on the pre-sale, a couple of these are very close to sold out. So you haven't got long left

it's going to be absolutely unbelievable we're so excited to be hitting the road together and we're bringing the whole squad with us. Finn's going to sing a song at the end we love it a little bit of a sing song it'll go off mate get your tickets murderers realm put you off you know anyway enjoy the episode it was a belter. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Kal and Finn. This is the one and only Have Award. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomer. Go Ed, get on me.

It's Christmas! So here it is. It's November now, but by the time this goes out, it'll be very nearly December on Patreon, but publicly it'll be fucking Christmas. Etta did her first Merry Christmas to a lady in Tesco in Chester. She was working on the counter and as we were leaving, just out of nowhere, Etta went, Merry Christmas. And the woman went, ooh, that's my first one.

And you're like, yeah, because it's not December yet. My daughter's gone early on the Merry Christmas. But then she was like, well, the decorations are up. You're like, yeah, they are darling, you're right. She smashed it. As soon as we got back from India, fucking Christmas, I've been up since 4 a.m. I was listening to Christmas songs at 5 a. Wow. Class and tomorrow. Hang on. This isn't Christmas excited. This is

Real Madrid at home excitement, isn't it? It's been both. And jet lag. No, it's not jet lag. Cause like I woke up at four o'clock having had a full night's sleep cause I went to bed at 8am. 8am? I went to bed at 8pm.m. 8 a.m. I went to bed at 8 p.m. last night. He's not sleeping at all. He's trying to die in his feels. It kind of is jet lagging it. It's a bit of jet lag. I don't know. Cause your body thinks it's fucking 9.30 a.m. at 4 a.m.

Yeah. So it's going, get up. Did you cycle to work? What? Did you cycle to work? Walked in. Oh, you walked in? I've walked for a while.

Oh, you walked with a broken toe. Fucking not nice, but A, wants to get me steps in. Because we're going to have a couple of pints today because Liverpool play Real Madrid at Anfield. And he's got stage 11 rib cancer as well, I remember that. He's got rib cancer, toe cancer. He's got to enjoy the time he's got left. But it's Christmas.

Will he even see Christmas Day? I'm going to the theatre. To watch what? Fairy Tale of New York. So it's just a load of Irish musicians doing a collection of Christmas songs. And I'm going to the matinee. Oh, are you going to say it? What the word? Oh, in fairy tale of New York. Oh, the F word. You, will you say it if they do the other, I'll get involved. I'm not out. You're going to repeat it after they say it. Cause I'll, you know they'll say it until they've said it.

It's going to be worse that because they'll sing it and then you'll shout. Yeah, yeah. Rhymes with maggot. Yeah. It's a song. He's back, baby. I don't think they're going to do it. I don't think they're going to do it. What theatre is it at?

The Empire. Oh, nice. Sold out as well. What did he replace it with? Haggard. You're cheap and you're Haggard. Yeah. Even scan. It should be maggot. Shouldn't it? You cheap lousy maggot. It rhymes with maggot. That's very scouser in it. That's not maggot. You cheap lousy maggot. You maggot. You maggot. You maggot. You maggot. You maggot, you maggot, you absolute maggot. Stop acting like such a big maggot. Stop sucking off men.

John Daggett, the bad guy from Batman. You just go maggot, maggot, you cheap lousy John Daggett. Stop watching reruns of Taggert. But it's Christmas. It's Christmas. It doesn't. Yeah, are you feeling it? Oh, Christmas deckeys are coming down from the loft tomorrow

at our house, so that's a big step. I need to buy a new tree, because the tree I've got is too big for the flat I'm in. Bob Saget, he could have that as well. I had moved on yet. I'm going to give you a little, for screeching us backwards. I had moved on.

That was like, that was like, whoa, no, no, no, I'm still doing word play, lad. Need to get a new tree. And then tomorrow night, Christmas tree goes up. What? No, it's taking the living room. 28th. Yeah.

Why? Because I haven't got time after that. Never again. It'll stay up forever. No, like I'm busy until I go to New York. I wouldn't say. Every night. It doesn't. You know, there's a margin of error in it.

Last few days in November, it's not the end of the world. I think he's came down in the studio in April this year. That's different, that's different. They've been up nearly as much as they've been down this year. That's the problem with ADHD. It's really good when you like, there's joy involved and then not good when it's the boring bit of putting it away. It's the first year ever in our house last year we didn't bother with it.

That's awful. Oh, it's just you and your mom watching Poirot with no decorations up. What could be more festive? Is there a Christmas Poirot? Is there a Christmas Poirot? Is there a Christmas Poirot? Is there a Christmas Poirot? Are you putting them up this year?

I don't, I just don't want to do it. Why? Because I don't care. You're a fucking Grinch cunt, you. That's me. You maggot. I actually think it might be because of my dad's Muslim-ness. They love a bit of Christmas. They don't.

They fucking do. They love a bit of Christmas. Mo Salah does it every year and gets shifri from all the fucking super muslims. My dad's a super muslim. He's not. He's not. He smokes and drinks. Your dad's not a super muslim.

Does he smoke? He smokes alright. And does he drink? He does drink. Does he suck dick? I'm not aware of that. You big Turkish maggot. Yeah.

Get them all. You're using thatot. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Get them off. You're using that as an excuse. You're using your faux Islam. And listen, I say that delicately, like if you've not watched the Bob before, he's from a descent, right? You're using that as an excuse. Oh, I use that in school a lot.

Get to home and bargain. Spend 15 quid. Get out of praying. I used to use my Islam as to get out of praying I used to I was I was Muslim in school and I wasn't I was just telling people I was Muslim In my pro up until I was like 11 who huh? Who we telling you at the teachers and I'm Muslim so I wouldn't have to do the Lord's Prayer in that I Just I just look around going sheep the Lord's prayers are banging as well. Everyone knows it

There's a little different ending for different people. So you can like fucking freestyle. For Catholics and the Protestants. What's the difference? So the Lord's prayer for Catholics is our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name by kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses for these. As we forgive those who trespass against us. Catholics on speed. Both temptation, both deliverance from evil. Amen. Oh, we did the, the Protestant one is for dine is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen. Scumbags mate. Oh, that's not your version. No, that was the version. I bleed Catholic blood. Is it? Full of that guilt. It's making half a word sectarian now. Bang a door in there. Everyone knows the rhythm and that.

Yeah. I didn't even, I'm from Protestant stock. I didn't even know there was a Papist version. It's a sawing off version. We go, done. Amen. Radio edit. Yeah. The Catholics cut a choke because they've got other stuff to do like fucking kids in Here's the sawing off version. We go, done. Amen. Radio edit. Yeah. The Catholics cut a choke because they've got other stuff to do, like fucking kids in the ass. There you go. Hey, can we just wrap this up? I've got kids fucking here. I see you. Just two more sentences. No, no, no.

Wrap it up. Wrap it up, lads. What's that, father O'Leary? Come on. No time for play. When are you putting your deckies up? Well, they're coming down tomorrow. You've got to go up, haven't they? You've not took them down from last year. Just leave them up. No, we've got to take them down to put them up. No, they're in the loft. They're in the loft. So we'll get them down tomorrow. I've been promised lunch in a bunk tomorrow. Oh my God. It's not in that order. What? Yeah. We were talking

about that, weren't we? Oh, oh, I will absolutely take a pudding and then smash a pudding. Nope. But if we get the choice, you eat afterwards. Which way round? Should I fuck her on an empty stomach? Yeah. You don't want to be, oh, let's have a roast. You don't want to be heavy. Yeah, you'd all slug her.

All right, I'll just. But you'd also want to carb so that you can fucking. Yeah, that's it. It's an endurance thing for me. Halfway. I have a little energy gels halfway through Laura likes to do 450 kilometers of dick you wouldn't go to Oh, I mean, I'm sure. Let's just use that. My little dick. Let's get it on some merch.

Small, small t-shirts. No, I'm, I listen, let's go out for an early lunch. And then I'd like that form. You feel sated. You know what I mean? You just have your lunch and then you make sweet, sweet love to your wife. I think that's a great day. Where do you eat? Don't eat in Hickory's. Don't go to Hickory's.

I don't know, maybe somewhere in Cheshire Oaks. There's a Lebanese gaff that's quite nice up there. Do you not think that taking a day's at risk though, because she might start thinking about lesbians and then won't be able to get wet at the ex. That's the problem with the whole Lebanese culture. They're like, God, we've got to change the name of this country. All the women just keep muffed over. It's a nightmare. You know about the island of Lesbos though, don't you? That's where lesbians originate from.

Is that Portugal? Patient zero of lesbians was Lesbos. Right. Or the idea of lesbianism comes from there. Yeah. I'm sure we've done this on Pod. Yeah. And that's near the Lebanon, is it?

No? I don't know. Why is it that Lebanon's like the Whittle, innit? Is it Greece? It's Greek. It's a Greek island. Of Lesbos. Of Lesbos.

And now it is a... For the lesbians, yeah. Yeah, because why not? They like the... It can't be that far from Lebanon, then. What do you mean? Well, it's the same Scran though isn't it? Pussy? No, like meats, breads and olives. Southeast Mediterranean. Yeah, it's not that far is it? Yeah. What's the gay one then? Mykonos.

Strong work, really strong work. Rhodes. I was a lesbian. I definitely summer in Lesbos. People that live in Lesbos are called lesbians. Like, you know, like, like Scousers. No, now I don't believe you. That is honest to God truth. Google that. I don't believe you. Do you know what's funny? I've already been on this webpage. Carl read that. Interestingly enough, residents of Les Vos is sometimes written Les boss, awkward lesbians, unaffiliated with the queer identity. I uh... Unaffiliated. I retract my ding. Thank you.

Lesbian squared, have you been a lesbian from there? Lesbian my name, lesbian my nature. You're a super lesbian. You're a super lesbian. Like Finn's super muslim dad. Like any form you feel in, you just write lesbian for every answer. What's the one way you've not shagged a man? Is it a gold lesbian?

Me? I've never shagged a man? Is it a gold lesbian? Me? I've never shagged a man. Oh yeah, you're a gold lesbian. Is it pure gay? Pure gay? It's like, men who've never fucked women and have just bummed other men. They're like pure gays aren't they?

They're not thorough gay. Thorough gay. It's a gold star lesbian. Thank you, I knew it was something to do. Yeah, gold star lesbian. What's the man one? Gold star gay. Gold star gay. It's a gold star lesbian. Thank you. I knew it was something to do. Yeah. Gold star lesbian. What's the man one? Gold star gay. Gold star gay.

Is that like a thing then? Like it's like a scout badge. Like I've never shagged a man. Yeah. Because the world's so heteronormative. That's the trailer, isn't it? The world's so heteronormative. Most gay people have a straight experience before they have a gay one because they're like, oh, it's obviously just weird thought. I'm just going to shag some pussy. And they do a bit of that and they're like, this is merely doing it for me. And then they're going to cock.

Have you ever had a gay experience? I know where he is. Like kissing or fucking a man? I've been to some musicals. You know, I'd like to be a gold star straight, but I have been to the theater more than four times. So it's an entry level gay experience because kiss is not entry level is a, a level in theater studies. We've all we've held hands. Have we? Yeah. Like crossing streams, having a piss. I've done that. I've had a soul fight. Is that entry level? Oh, no. Okay. Is it? No, I'm a soul. I think it's kissing. Is he? I think maybe spooning. Oh yeah. I think spooning

another man is gayer than necking him. Yeah. No, hang on. No, no, no. Hang on. I was going to give you that. You say, let me give you an example. Say you're in the Arctic tundra, you know, like you and Carl love to do. We're going next week. Carl, back's heavy. You've forgotten your tent and there's a blizzard. My God, there's a blizzard.

Middle of the night, winter obviously, it's the tundra, it's constantly winter. When you say blizzard there, are you talking about the Don't Flop Battle Rapper or are you talking about the weather conditions? I was actually talking about, yeah, the Don't Flop Battle Rapper. He turns up and he's like, mate, do you want some bars? And you're like, no, I'm fucking freezing, piss off.

So he goes and then some bad weather comes in, it could be loosely called a blizzard, right? And you're like, this is bad. It's minus 15 degrees Celsius, get in here and you're in your little, you're in your little heteronormative tent formation, one next to one, and you're like, oh, it's just, I'm so cold, Adam, I'm so cold. And you go, hey, just you maneuver in,

and then you're like, it's not doing it. And then you're like, listen, my sleeping bag is fucking 24 tog, get in my sleeping bag, we'll share human heat. You have to go spoon formation to make it work. That would be less gay than a, a, should we snog as well? I'll give you that. You cannot show me a life threatening situation where you're like, listen, it's bad. The weather conditions are bad. Come here. There's a kiss. Okay. I will concede all of that. What I'm saying is, if there's no sort of extenuating

circumstances where spooning benefits your life and it's just for the love of the game, that's when it's gay and kissing. Yeah, if it's hot. Come here, come here and spoon me. I've got my own room. Never mind. I'd throw burning water over me for a cuddle them. What if he was face warm? So homophobic. So warm mind that. I'd throw burning water over me for a cuddle then. Why? Would it be worse facing-

So homophobic. So warm up. Oh. You throw burning water. Yeah, like another famous- Famous saying. Is that water burning? I don't think that's water, mate.

It's on fire. Would it be worse facing each other? What do you mean? It's like, you're not spooning. That's a lot more intimate, isn't it? Knob to knob. Docking. It's like you're not, not spooning. That's a lot more intimate isn't it? Nob to nob. Docking. Or if you dock that's gay. Behave.

Genuine. You went to school didn't you? It's where a man puts his knob inside a man's foreskin. So look at this. Look, nob, foreskin, over nob. Docked. So like the kissing. Genuinely never heard of that.

To try and get rid of your Judaism. If you do that because it's cold, you've gone too far. What's Judaism? Is it different to Judaism? Fire. Yeah, I think if you're face to face. But then what happens if you're the big spoon, you get a boner. That's one up. And you might be gay. No, because you might just like the intimate feeling of a cuddle. With a man. And you might be gay? No, because you might just be like the intimate feeling of a cuddle. With a man? And you're gay? And that's fine? By the way, can we just say at this point, I'm not against any of this.

Yeah, and I've got nothing against Lebanese food. And that all makes sense. Oh yeah, that's how we got onto this. You're taking Laura for some lunch and then having some pretty gay sex. Docking. Can I dock with you? Get your dick out. I'm taking my wife some lunch and then having some pretty gay sex. Docking. Can I dock with you? Get your dick out. I'm taking my wife for lunch. Shut up. What's docking?

I'm taking my wife up to the Lebanese. What about lesbians? So, tomorrow, lesbian food, Lebanese food, a fork. Maybe. It's looking good. And then get the decorations. That's a good day there. That looks alright, doesn't it? That looks alright. When are the kids in the boxing though?

The kids are at the boxing. They do after school boxing. Right. Yeah, it's a pretty unusual program. Are they playing it or watching it? No, they're over there. It's the school finishes and then they just kick the shit out of each other for a bit. I actually think MMA should be on the school curriculum. Well, I keep seeing a lot of this about teaching your daughter, not teaching her, because I

don't know it, but mixed martial arts and Judo. Judo. Jujitsu. I wanted to do Jewish Jujitsu. I think it's important. So I see a lot of reels about like, it's so good for them. It's like incredible for their self control and their self confidence and then also self defense,

obviously. Yeah, I suppose you shouldn't put it on the curriculum because then you're teaching everyone. You want to give your kid the advantage. Yeah, hierarchy forms and there's a division, isn't there? Yeah. What, so it should be just teach the ladies do it? Just teach the weakest kids.

Come in and go, you're a maggot, you're a maggot, you're a maggot, you're a maggot, come on. You cheap lousy maggot, come on. You know like you're already going to be good enough at maths because you're old gimps, come out of here, teach you how to punch someone's head in. I like the idea of it. Women should know self-defense. Sereka said town is worse than it's ever been, ever ever ever for men, being awful. It's going to get worse now. She's ruined, like genuinely she's been on like three or four nights out the last couple of months and every single night out she's had to leave early because men have just, I'm not saying it's just because of her, just pestering her and being awful when they get turned on. So what's going on there because there's been a whole since the Me Too thing, there's been so much more. No, the generation below us is awful, awful, awful. Andrew Tate and it's also legitimized by Donald Trump. Get him back into office. I don't know what you've got against him.

But like she can't go out and like her friends like one of her friends go, she's only 22 as well. A lad tried to hit her and she was like, no, no. And he instantly went, you fat bitch. And it just ruined the night. Should you be allowed, if you overhear that and you can blast people in the face, should you be allowed to just blast him in the face? Yeah. Yeah. With a, this one. Oh, nice. Monkey punch. Like that. Yeah. Go. It's called a monkey punch in it. Yeah. Josh monkey punch me once. Yeah. Men who've just been horrible to try and kiss him.

So we're all falling a night out with Josh. Just lads, please. If you're that age or any age and a girl rejects you or she's an interested, just walk away and don't say no. A night just ruined by lads just being horrible. Please stop. Like genuinely. Cause she's thinking about just like starting on a girls only night out. They're already going aren't they? I mean herself getting one going and I'm going to help her. It's that sloth thing as well, isn't it? Of calling, if you see it calling it out and

not just... Just behave lads. It's so awful. It's doing me a bit. And it is Andrew Tate and Trump and all these horrible fucking incels on Twitter just perpetuating it. That age is awful. It's going to be a bad little time. I don't think, I think porn's pretty bad as well. As someone who's watched quite a bit of it. I think it does fuck your perception of what's going on. Yeah. I'm trying to watch a lot less of it and have little imagination wanks. Did you, was your generation as in you two, I know you, you found them in bushes or whatever. Did you use like women? No monkey punches. I didn't find it in the bush. She took me to the bush. They found the squirrel.

Did you have porn available from as soon as you were able to, to wank or was it 12, 13, four, five? No, I'm saying was it, was it available? Like was it on your phone or did you have to go on a computer? No, so I had a DVD that I would watch on my laptop repeatedly. And it was one blonde woman getting absolutely fucking wallpapered by about 15 black fellas. How old were you? Eased yourself in. That sounds awful.

How old were you? By the way, it wasn't like I was in the store being like, which one do I fancy? How did you get it? I think like it just got dropped off on the front doorstep one day. By the milkman. That's what they call them. Two pints of semi-skimmed and black sunblond. That's not milk, Dan.

What? That's not milk. Yeah, it was a shit like, yeah. So that was, and I had, I used to get nuts and Zoo every week as well. Yeah, they were belters, they were just tits for days. That is not an odd choice, is it? Can I have a wank?

We're gonna go Nuts, Zoo, extreme gang bang pornography. Back in the drive it goes. Yeah, so I had that, and I eventually like figured out how to get it off the DVD and saved onto my laptop. Yeah, ripped the DVD. Oh, ripping. I knew where my dad's porno mag was. Mag? Singular? You just had one? He had one. Like I think it might have been a hustler. I knew every fucking story. Every... You read it? Yeah, he used to read it. You need the storyline, don't you? No, there was always stories.

The readers' wives. There was always stories. Listen, there was only one mag, and I knew it was there for about three and a half years. Because only so many times you can look at the same pictures. You've got to do the reading. I could have told you the address of the advertising,

and where you got your cocking larger from. Was that your foreplay then, was reading reading and then you'd look at the pictures? No, I was too young to, this was before I was even wanking. I just knew where it was. That was just your literature? I just got it out when I knew I could and then read a bit and like fucked my head up for the rest of my life probably. It was probably about nine, eight, nine years old. My first experience of porn was a lesbian blog. Greek. And it was the of porn was a lesbian blog.

Greek. It was the Greek people of a certain island. I had an Alcatel flip phone and you know you have WAP, not that one. You had WAP on your phone. I remember opening it one day and I was like just going for it. It was like 18 plus. I was like, well I'm not 18 plus me but I'm gonna have a go. And it was this girl talking about her first lesbian experience and it blew my fucking mind. How old were you? No pictures. I don't know. Young. I didn't have like a desktop computer yet. Internet. I remember seeing the word clit and I always thought it was pronounced slit. So like people say, hey, me own Hermione. Yeah. I said slit for cliff, but he just, we had a lot called Troy who had a queue for his Blackberry phone. He had like some, maybe similar to what you'd seen. He like formed a queue on the quad and we all queued. How big were his legs?

What, did he charge you like 10p a minute? No, it was free. He was a generous guy. He was like Bernie Sanders. It was like communism. You can, everyone can have the porn for free. So we queued up and then everyone got to watch the 30. It was like a trailer for a porn film. And then, um, yeah, that's why I first saw that. I think I was like 11. Did you like it? No, cause it was too much. I remember going like she's, she's not enjoying that. So the lady in my film was loving it. She was having a class time. Yeah. We should have bukkake at the end. That's what she wanted. She was smiling. For the love of the game. Obviously now I know that they're acting, but at the time I was just

like that is the best day of their life. Look how happy she is. Look at her. I remember. What a hobby. I genuinely remember looking at her thinking like I've never been that happy on my birthday. You've had a nice birthday Adam. Well, all in context innit mum? You know, cause that girl that got, got bouquarkied on my fucking DVD. She had a great day that day. And she went to Mackeys with her mate. Like the best birthday I remember having was going to the New Orchard Garden on Eaton Road.

Oh. I was 13. Went there before I moved to Chippable with my family. Yeah. What is it? It's a Chinese restaurant on Eaton Road. It was class when I was a kid. It's gone off the fucking cliff edge now.

It was the one. Yeah, it was like, that was like going the fucking ritz. You know what I mean? Yeah. Going to the New Orchard Garden. The West Harbour, you did, mate. Going to the New Orchard Garden on Sunday. Yeah, if you told people in school, oh, going to the New Orchard Garden for me Harby Dits, mate. Go in the New Orchard Garden on Sunday. Yeah, if you told people in school,

oh, go in the New Orchard Garden for my birthday, they'd be like, fucking hell. Your mum fucking coming looking on a scratch card there. I used to go to Uncle Sam's, mate. Yeah? I used to go on Bald Street. Yeah. My mum banned us from going there

because she got a hair in her soup. Caesar's Palace as well. Not a euphemism. Remember Caesar's Palace? Good band. Bigger one next door. Wow. We had a restaurant called Tiggies in Preston.

That was a big Italian. And that was like, that was a birthday classic when I was young. I'm going Tiggies and it was a real treat. Fatty Arbuckles was a regular one for me. Only went to these when it was a birthday. Charlie Chalks was like once a month. Me, my mom and dad, my auntie Sue,

I'd check her up sometimes. Like there'd be a few of them. Like we'd go and have like family tea in there maybe. Like in my head, that was once a month. It was probably less often than that, but it felt so often. Did you have Mackey's parties? What?

McDonald's parties. I went to a few, I didn't have one. Yeah, I think I had one or two, like birthday ones. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and they'd get actual Ronald McDonald's come out and like sit with ya. And it was just some they'd get actual Ronald McDonald's come out and like see Yeah, and it was just some country normally does the fries in makeup. Yeah, absolutely headless that same guy still works in the real Mackeys And when I was little, yeah

Well, they moved away from Ronald McDonald really didn't be it's a Nancy's fuck just a clown. I know he be a kid's place and now it's a, didn't he? It's a restaurant now. Because he's Nancy as fuck. He's just a clown then. I know. It used to be a kid's place and now it's a restaurant, isn't it? What? It used to be like fun. It was like, hey, this is fun. Come here with your kids, with crayons and that. And now it's just like, hey, where's the restaurant?

In and out. No, it's definitely still a family restaurant. It's not. They're aiming at families. No, it's a restaurant. Yeah, but they used to be aimed at kids, didn't they? No, they used to be aimed at families. I've seen the difference in a new Macchies

one from like 20 years ago. Like back then it was like colors and crayons and running around and like- It's like play areas outside and stuff. They don't have it anymore. They've fucked it off. Yeah. It's aimed so much older now.

It's like, you can bring your kids if you want, but like this is for people. Ours is grim in Chester down at the retail park. It's a whole section for Deliveroo guys. They like literally got their own bit because it was just making it grim in the main restaurant. I'm sure they're making them more money, but the worst two things Macky's have ever done apart from what they did to me is going on those delivery sites and the Argos system. I'm sure it's making them more money.

I'm sure it's been financially beneficial to them as a company. It's made the whole experience of going to Macky's a million times worse. Are you using the app today? No! If you're using the app, you're not. You've got to sign in.

You have not, you do not sign into McDonald's. Not anymore, I did, But you get free stuff. You do get free food. That's how they get you. Big Mackeys. Whenever we do a Big Mackeys order here, I'm like, I'll do it on my phone because I get loads of points

and I get loads of free food. All right, all right, that makes a bit more sense. Big Mackeys are what you mean. I've got like 7,000 points, mate. I got a KFC last night. Oh. I wonder what percentage of when they, when you go to the drive through and they got using the app today and wonder what percentage of people go, yeah, yeah, I am. Cause I love it. I bet it's less than 10%.

I'd be surprised if it's more than 2%. By the way, you can all fuck off when I said less than 10% and you all said, ah, it's less than that. Any less than 10% goes all the way to zero. Okay. Less than 90%. It's less than 90%. But I didn't say that. You know, less than everyone. Defo usually. 2%. Yeah. I had pockets. Close right then. I had pockets.

Yeah, you were absolutely a mathematician at heart. 100%. Have you had your tea yet, Dan? Like, oh, I'm home, I'm going to have my tea. I've been to India, I didn't know. But I was pining for pizza, so we went to Pizza Express yesterday and I loved it because India can't do pizza very well. I have pockets. Have you ever seen them? Like tacos, but they're pockets.

Hot pockets? No. It's like a taco shell, you can get like boat shaped ones, it's pocket shaped and you put it in as a pocket. Me and Sarah had them last night, nasty. That's very- I've had two lots of breakfast out. So I went to Press Bros yesterday,

and today I went to Parliament Square Coffee. Tell you what, I am craving, and I woke up this morning and went, I just want a Guinness, I want a Guinness today. And I messaged the group and I just thought of my fellow Guinness. And I went, Adam, Jack, do you fancy a pint today? I forgot that it was Real Madrid tonight. So so good when you're coming to Liverpool and you call it early and go, does anyone fancy a pint?

And then two of your mates go, yeah, absolutely. I did it early enough that I just got to the train station. So I'm now not driving. Fucking brilliant. That's why I missed. You could stay and watch the match with Jack. I really have missed a pint of Guinness. I'm getting a Derek's on Berry Street. Derek's! I'm getting a pint and a pie at lunch mean.

When you're playing Real Madrid at home tonight, get Derek's. Derek's. Oh, can I do another little shout out for the shoe place? Cause this is a public episode. Is that okay? What are we doing? Are you, you've completely taken over. They've been really silent to me. Big shoes.

They've been really silent to me. If you like your shoes clean, go to the place in the Baltic. There's a place in the Baltic called Grel, G-A-R-E-L. And if you've got any shoes, I'll boot you on cleaning. They did a lot of pairs. G-A-R-E-L. And if you've got any shoes or boots you want cleaning, they did a lot of pairs. G-A-R-E-L, go to Garel. G-R-A-E-L.

They clean shoes, they clean boots, and they're absolutely fucking brilliant. They will take a pair of trainees you've got that look like they need to go in the bin on the last legs and make them look absolutely box fresh, brand new. Very quick one. On Saturday, December the 7th, me and Finn and young Harry

over there are doing Christmas karaoke at Teddy's, 7 till 10. There is about 40 tickets left. It is going to sell out. The link is in the description of the episode. The last two have been so much fun. The first one was mental fun. The second one was actual karaoke the last episode so much fun. Yeah Mental fun. Yeah, the second one was actual karaoke and it was loads of fun. Yeah, this one's gonna be class It's not just Christmas tunes either if you want to do a Christmas tune do a Christmas tune I think we're gonna just balance it. No

The best part is the first fairytale in New York and everyone involved you want to be there that's what it's for Who's gonna say the word? Margaret damn Margaret and say the new york and everyone involved you want to be there that's what it's for who's going to say the word maggot damn maggot um it's country day this saturday as well and it's already be out by then it's uh country day and i'm going with triple denim oh i've got denim jeans shirt and thong jeans shirt and jacket they're all different shades don't mind it i've done triple denim before and thong jeans, shit and jackets. They're all different shades. I've done triple denim before. Right. I've got a native American style shirt. Oh, it's a shirt like it's like four shirts. Actually, it's a bastions here. Culturally insensitive bastard of a shirt. I'm so excited. The setlist we've put together for it for the jam, the fucking jam at the end, mate. Absolutely

fucking doozy. How many of these are you going to do a year do you think? We've got four karaoke's booked in next year. 24 I think. Two a month. I'm going to do some stuff as well. Oh two a month. Two a month. Sotty Sunday though. When's our first one? April. I love the look. You look, that's a sexy cowboy. Slide the picture in if it does look like Paul Innes. It's a doozy though isn't it? It's very nice. It's annoying when you look good in this shit. It's a nice. Because I want to just take the piss, which I do a lot, but that does legitimately good. Nope. I'm in Chester with my babies. Why don't you bring them? They can come to the country. They love a piss up. Do you want to put a boxer ring in the corner? They love a piss up. They can come to the country day. They're welcome to come. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Get them there at three. Take them home at like seven. You get the first few hours.

You get to see Ross. Oh nice. You just want to see Ross don't you? We'll see you there at three. Triple Denny, Mama, Kids. Get them down. Oh, let me get you a little cowboy outfit. Oh my. It looks nice. He can go as Woody. Has he ended Toy Story yet? Yeah. Loves it. There you go. Let's go as Rex. Let me get him a little cowboys. Dinosaur. Dinosaur's existed in country, country. Wow, good words. All right, we'll talk about it. I can't run this by my wife. Do it now. Let's take the kids to an all day piss off. Cause Uncle Adam's insane. Class. I'll have a squat bike waiting for me. I'll give her a ring.

I can have a telly. Let's have a break. If you're at a point in life when you're ready to lead with purpose, we can get you there. The University of Victoria's MBA in sustainable innovation is not like other MBA programs. It's for true change makers who want to think differently and solve the world's most pressing challenges from healthcare and the environment to energy, government, and technology. It's your path to meaningful leadership in all sectors. For details, visit uvic.ca slash future MBA.

That's u-v-i-c dot c-a slash future MBA. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. I'm Jessie Kirkshank and on my podcast Phone a Friend, I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man

until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no. That's what my grandma's on. Thank God Phone a Friend with Jesse Krookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere.

Acast.com. And we are back. I'll tell you what happened when we were in India. We hit 28,000 patrons. If you are listening or watching this podcast and you do not subscribe to our Patreon, you should join the LID Army for as little as just £3 a month. You get an extra episode every Wednesday, early video release on a Saturday morning of a public episode and all of the specials backdated to when we did our first one 29 years ago. God there's some good ones Lodon, Lockhans, restaurant special, track day, Amsterdam, one, two, Ghost Runs India, Ghost Runs coming up. The second roast is about to come out

We are 2,000 patrons away from Carl having to do an hour of stand up. Wow, that's changed. Yeah. You're misremembering that. An hour. You're going to Edinburgh. Yeah, Carl goes to the Edinburgh Fringe. That'll be funny.

First gig in the previews. And here's a massive advantage. You get early access to tickets. The Murderers Row tour has just gone on sale, and patrons get first access to the ticket So to a massive one Adam shows mine shows It usually goes on patreon so film club you also get early access to mad that that's coming out for me and Harry in January Find us some music stuff every now and again when he can be asked you get so much for three quid

It's insane. It is the best value Patreon on the planet. There is a reason we're well inside the top 20 on the planet despite being in the North West of England. We're back, baby. Shall we do a... Simon Jackson says, with your charity challenge completed and smashed by the looks of it, made me think this could be a good time

for a bit of would you rather. So if each of you had to do another charity challenge, would you rather, Dan, cycle 500 kilometres in Russia or eat 10 tins of tuna? How's that even a thing? I'd easily rather go and do the Russian thing. And that is me in that cold racist shit all. You know fucking cycle because I physically couldn't do it. The joke was that's your house. No, I don't like the joke.

You made me sad about my house. 100% take the Russia thing. What's Adam's one? Adam, would you rather have we all got our own mom? Yeah. 100% take the Russia thing. What's Adam's one? Adam, would you rather? Have we all got our own one? Yeah. I can't believe the tuna thing wasn't for me. Adam, would you rather do two marathons,

running obviously marathons, in a week or one skydive? Two marathons in a week. Is that how bad the height thing is? It's not a height thing, it's a jumping out of a plane thing. But I think the jumping out of a plane thing is related to the height thing. No, it is a height thing because the plane was landed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still wouldn't like to. So two marathons a week or jump out of a plane that is parked stationary on the ground. The doors are still quite high though, aren't they? Yeah, we've got a slide. Is it onto a crash mat? Yeah.

What are you on about? What do you mean, what am I on about? What are you on about? Yeah, quite high. It's fucking five feet from the ground. Five feet? No, it's not. There's a fucking ladder in there.

What? Are you talking about five? I'm not talking about a jumbo jet, you fucking nobbit. I'm talking about the little piece of shit that took me up in Shropshire. I didn't go up in a fucking Emirates, did I? Sorry, I don't fly private, so I don't know. Oh yeah, felt private, sitting between the fucking legs. I could feel the dick of the guy behind me.

Why? I wasn't Emirates, by the way. Was that your gay experience? Because it's a Shropshire skydive. I can feel your dick. They do it a little bit differently. Kiss me, and then we dive. Yeah, that choice of a plane.

I'm doing 14 marathons, yeah. Two marathons in a week I think, if I've got long enough to train for that I could do. Right. Or a sky dive, which lasts 10 minutes. I've done it, it's unpleasant, but it's fun. There's elements of fun and then it gets shit and then it's fun again.

Hang on, the last fun bit is where you stop doing it. That feels great. Yeah, I don't want to do it. Jumping out, I was like, ah, this is exciting. And then there's 20 seconds of like, this is mad. And then some fucking knobhead behind you pulls the cord and you just feel like a fat guy hanging in the harness. And then spend nearly 20 minutes thinking,

what if my fat ass just slid out of these harnesses? You know why I wouldn't be able to stop thinking? Contemplate your own death. With doing a skydive is, if this cunt in a bad mood and he just wants to kill himself? I think that on planes all the time. The pilot. Yeah.

I did stand up about it. I think I ended up cutting it from the special, but like when we were going to Nashville, I don't know whether you remember this or whether I even told you about it because I sent my fucking head. As the pilot got on the plane, he got a text and he said, oh, for fuck's sake, and put

his phone in his pocket. And I nearly went to like the stewardess fella. I nearly went to, hey mate, was that like, has he lost his accumulator or does his fucking missus left him? Check on him. So you want, you want all pilots to have like a welfare check before they fly? They should be in the best, they should like, no Everton fans can be captains of planes. If you told me that

my pilot was an Everton fan, I would not get to stay on that plane. Can't let Lewis injured again. No, mate. We're all fucking laughing. That happens. Is that by yours? It happened. Didn't it? Like two years ago, the guy who just crashed into a mountain. Yeah. I think about this all the time though. In every context, I think every single day, the only reason you survived today is because other people have let you. Yeah. I could just mow you down. I've never had major surgery, but that would worry me about major surgery. What if the surgeon is just like, ah, fuck this, go on, I've cut his heart out. What are you doing? A mad way to think. Just take him out walking down the road

and there's cars coming towards me. I do just think, like, if he's in a bad mood, he could just fucking kill me and it's just, yeah? The Bill Babbitt. The Bill Babbitt, yeah. All the way, hey, you killed so many people. Imagine, yeah, how many surgeons have ever just got intrusive thoughts and just grabbed a heart out of someone's chest and wazzed it against the wall like,

Doctor, what are you doing? I've always wanted to do that. The fact we live at the end of every day is down to the fact that everyone else has let it happen. You are totally at the mercy of other people and there's nothing you can do about it and it's dead annoying and it's terrifying and that's why I'm not skydiving in case that cunt's in a bad mood. Carl, would you rather swim across the Mersey or be the official mascot for three Liverpool home games? Get me in that fucking home shit, baby. Really, yeah? Yeah. What are you talking about?

You have to give me a harder one than that. Swim across the Mersey? You could do that. I could do it, yeah. You could jump out of a plane. By the way, if you get to spec... What are you scared of in the Mersey? I thought like open water.

If you get to spec... It's not open? No, it is. What? The definition of open water. Fucking here to Birkenhead is pretty open, that. No, no, you can see the coast. Don't worry about that.

This isn't open. It's closed up. Do you think the sea is the only open bit of water? It's not like what are you worried about? There's no sharks in the Mersey. When it goes dark, I think the sharks in swimming pools. God, don't do it at night. You're doing it in the day.

I don't want to. There's nothing about this. No, what I'm saying is. How much is it going to take you? Would you get a bath in the dark? What the fuck? Oh, it's great. What are you talking about?

Lights off bath. It's fucking great. You wouldn't get a bath in the dark. I don't have to be limping on my skull. Oh, it's great. What are you talking about? It's fucking great. You wouldn't get a bat in the dark. I'd rather be LePil Moscow. Now, put me in the, mate, I'll sing the songs, I'll have it in all that. Leva Poole, doot doot doot doot. I'll sing them all. On a technicality, this could be a piece of piss,

because the, when you say swim across the Mersey, it sounds like it's from the Leiva building over to Birkenhead, done it. But you could just go down, way down river, couldn't you? Pick the river is warm. Yeah, did agree. The mercy goes warm. It's like two meters. No, no, two meters deep. I can't touch the bottom. There's all kinds there, mate. No, it isn't. You don't know. There's fucking tab poles, you fanny. Just get in it. No. There isn't? You don't know?

There's fucking tab, polls you fanny, just get in it. You only fucking bread, shut up. That's true. Finn, would you rather eat 10 chicken kebabs sober or let Adam plan your live music tickets for a year? I'm going to get each chicken kebab. So Adam's got to plan my gig diary. Yeah, yeah.

Because you know, you go to about 180 live music events a year, Adam gets to pick every one of them. Sack, brine, every month. Or 10 chicken kebabs that might talk to you. If I planned, like if I was trying to ruin your life with country music, I could do that. But if I planned your live music for a year and picked country artists that I think you'd like,

I think you'd come out of that year a more well-rounded person, man, and musician. I think you'd kill yourself. I actually think you'd have a better taste in music. Would, here's a question. Would you only pick country music? Yeah, because he's autistic. Is it just country music? Because I want to go and watch Jamiroquai next year. Oh, I do. Are we going together? I'd love to go and see James Blount. It's the day of the karaoke. We need to sort that.

The reason that's just popped into my head is I always get Jamiroquai and James Blount mixed up. They're very similar, aren't they? Like aesthetically. James Blount wears up. They're very similar, aren't they? Like aesthetically. James Blunt wears a lot of hats. You know what I mean? No, if you take Jermina Khai's hat off, it's James Blunt. Is it? Is it?

It is. Do you know who they are? I don't think. I'm not sure. Can you put an hat on John Bon Jovi? And tell me he's not a bit Blunt, he makes. He looks like. He is quite far away from Bl blunt. Is this gonna work?

Do you know who these people are? Louis Armstrong looks a little bit like Sabrina Carpenter with the hat on. He's a space cowboy. That's not a slur. Is this one? Oh yes. James Blunt. He looks like James Blunt. He's just a white man with the hat on. What the fuck are you talking about? He's not even that white.

That's him now. What are you talking about? And get James Blunt off. He looks like you. No, on another tab so you can flick between them. Get James Blunt off. There is not a chance you're telling me that these are his difference. Oh my God. He's going to be in that hat.

Look at you, dying on this fucking hill. What are you talking about? Harry? No, I thought Jamiroquai was a whole black man, but they look very similar. You thought Jamiroquai was black? He sounds black. Have you just listened? Have you just listened?

No, I've seen him dance. Is he the one that dances in that room that moves about? Rev, Harry, you've seen the space cowboy video. He's black. What? He's black. Oh yeah, P. Diddy looks like James Blunt. That's a fact.

Jamiroquai sounds like the... Get P. Diddy. Get P. Diddy. You're Oh yeah, P. Diddy looks like James Blunt, that's a fact. Jamiroquai sounds like the... Jamiroquai sounds like the... Jamiroquai... Sounds like Shaniqua but from a man from before, way before. You can't tell me they don't look similar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't tell. They've got eyes?

You're absolutely fucking gnarly. What are you on about? You're gnarly. absolutely fucking gnarly. What are you on about? You're gnarly. You're gnarly. Get up from that. You bloody pillock. Has Jamiroquai got, he's got some heritage, hasn't he? I tell you what, see the one where he's got like

messier hair there? This one. Yeah, get that one on. Oh God, what are you talking about? No matter. He looks more like George Michael. Oh Jesus, all you listeners, you've got to watch this on YouTube, it's so stupid.

Adam, do you want to pick a Jamiroquai one you think looks most like James Blunt? Honestly. This one? Yeah. That is the same face. That is Napoleon Dynamite. I feel like if we went to India they'd think that, but not here. That is wild.

That's all they ever talked about. J Blunt, Jim Maraqui, same thing. Same guy right? You all look like both. When you go home with kebabs or? No. How's your eye test? Is that ready? Were you doing that today? I've done it yeah. Yeah? They say you can't see the difference between white guys. That was? That was the test. Yeah, the picture. They're both the same. James Blunt. Jimena Quinn. James Blunt. He was in India.

Jimena Quinn. James Blunt. Jimena Quinn. P Diddy. All of the same. I'm going to go for Adam Pick and my gigs. I can't eat your kebab. Soz.

I'll do the third. That's well better than mine. 10 chips. I fucking hate to cycle through Russia, but I'm doing it over 10 tins of piss in tune. I'm doing it over one tin of... No, I'd try for one. No.

You wouldn't get it done, no. Yeah. Fuck. And then you had a mouth full of tuna and you've still got to go to Russia. Whoa. So bad. Should we do some other words?

If you want. It's time to have a word with Edmund Ed. And Colin Fent. to have a word with Ed and Linda and Colin Finn. You have a different. This was gonna be the whole park. Now it's just the final 30% of the first half. Um, Holly says Holly. Merry Christmas.

Holly says, hi lads. I have a word for you. I have. What's the word? Okay. And, I have a word for you. I have. What's the word? Okay. And it is have a word. My flatmate, Amy came home from work on the weekend with news that one of her work colleagues puts her waste food in the toilet.

As opposed to those other colleagues. Puts her waste food in the toilet like a freak. Rather than in the bin. Carl did with that Gregg's pasty that time. Everyone in her work. That's what you did that time. Guys, a little bit of fucking taurus. I didn't have anything from Gregg's pasty that time! Everyone in her work! Not like you did that time! Guys, a little bit of fucking time for it. We can all shout and lie!

Order! It was you. As much as you think it was me, I think it was you. I didn't have any... I didn't do it either! We can all do it! Carry on, Don. That could be a name for the podcast.

We can all shout and lie. My flatmate, Amy, came home from work on the weekend with the news that one of her work colleagues puts her waste food in the toilet like a freak, rather than in the bed. Everyone in her work obviously immediately questioned her sanity, but she said that her family have always done it and it's completely normal. We've since found out that other people in her work do this too. She said she's not a psychopath because it's not all foods that go down the toilet. It's only wet food. So soups, sauces, wet pasta, veg that's covered in gravy all goes down the toilet. Anything dry like diced onions or potatoes go in the

bin as normal. But I don't know what the ruling is on mashed potato. Is it more wet than dry? Apparently she does it so that her bin doesn't smell from the wet food, but surely just take the bin out as it starts to smell. Can you have a word with her or is she a genius? That's from Holly. Well, the thing is all food is eventually poo if you need to. She's just like removing the poo bit. Put it on the new merch. Yeah, she's just removing the middle man. That will be, these diced onions will be poo. I saw, honestly I read that for the first time and went, that's fucking mental.

And then as she sort of, as you go through it, you're like, no it does make sense because wet food going in the bin feels extra nasty, doesn't it? Yeah. I think she's onto something here. Yeah, but then, that voice is weird. You can't be putting like a full chicken carcass in your toilet. I can't cause. Imagine finishing it then it'll all go in the toilet.

How does that? We did that for a week. Scraping it in, scraping the plate into the bin feels... Like if you don't finish your cornflakes, where does that go? Cause it always feels, that feels like toilet would be good for that. I think this is really good. Yeah. Gonna throw it in the kitchen.

Basically she's just shitting in the toilet but it doesn't stink of poo. Would you rather me like my poo go in your toilet or like I make it smell like yogurt? Right. When was the last time you had a yogurt Adam? Just out of interest. You're not, you don't strike me as a big yogurtsman. Where did that come from in your head? Dad, I'm coming around with some fucking yoghurt. Can I eat it or yours? Yeah, yeah, Adam. She still poos in the toilet though,

so it does still, you know. Unless she poos in the bin. That'd be a wild move, wouldn't it? I've got an incinerator. Of course you have, you fucker. An incinerator. What's that? It's a food, you put your food down there.

Like an American thing? You put your food down the thing in the sink in the kitchen and it smashes smoke. Oh yeah. I've seen that. And then fucking someone's doing all right. Mash is well dry by the way. What they asked about whether mash was wet or no mash. Mash would go in the toilet. That's bad. Well dry. That's girl girl mash. If you put it in water, then it's gonna be wet. But mash on its own, on a plate, is dry. Yeah, you put a car in water, it's gonna be wet. Flush that, car's wet. Your mash shouldn't be dry.

You're making bad mash, mate. Get off of them though. I'm very rarely making mash. I don't think I've ever made, I have made mash like twice. It hurts. Mash. That's not making mash. That's opening mash. This mash isn't opening. I should have enough butter and maybe a bit of cream in to make it like a solid liquid.

Love mash. We're having gammon for Christmas dinner at our house. No you're not. Can I get? No I am. I like gammon. He made it me a couple of years ago. You're not having a Christmas dinner. I'm having a Christmas dinner. No nachos. you're not? No, I am. I like gammon. He made it me a couple of years ago. You're not having a Christmas dinner? I'm having a Christmas dinner. No nachos?

You're not even making them? I can't promise that there won't be some nachos consumed within the festive season. A man has to have tradition and a code, but on Christmas Day... You're going to have a Christmas dinner? Yeah. Gammon? Roasties? No.

Short or what? You like potatoes? No, listen, listen, listen. What I was thinking when the roasties was, instead of having them like roasties, chopping them into really thin, like long chips. Right, yeah. What's the rule of that? Can I have gum and chips?

You can, but why do you want that on Christmas day? Because it tastes good. Roasties are nicer than chips, Dan. Me, that's a fucking... That is a fucking lie. No, it isn't! Oh, what a lie. Oh, that's real. That was a lie.

Nasty roasties are... What about loads of them? The only reason to ever choose chips over roast potatoes is that roast potatoes take more effort and time and chips are quick and easy. Roast potatoes are without any shadow of a doubt the best thing you can do with a potato and it's not even fucking close. I mean Harry's shaking his head. These two food nonces are agreeing with each other. And by the way, do you know the way you're sat there right now going you're fucking wrong and

you're sitting over there with your big fucking head doing the same thing. Wigging the truck. Listen, right. Shit. I will take both of yours. I'll take your opinion on loads of stuff and it overrides mine. And the same sort of with you, like on a few things, right? When it comes to opinions on food, you can both lick the shit that is in between my ass cracks on the way home from India. I'd rather just have yogurts.

You've got two ass cracks. That's how much you got belly belly. The idea that you think you can sit there and have a... And tell your french fries are better than roasties? It's not fucking mad, is it? It's a lie. I'm not telling dry rye vitas better than roasties. You might as well be.

On the foot down. You might as well be. Shouting and lying. You get no opinion on food, you're a big fucking food idiot. That's what you are. You're an idiot with food and you normally go to accept them that, that you're a big fucking food idiot. That's what you are. You're an idiot with food and you're normally good at accepting that. That you're a fucking helmet with it. No, it's french fries you fucking peanuts.

Roast potatoes are the best things you can do with a potato. I'm not saying they're terrible. I'm not saying you should be shocked for eating roasties. So have them on Christmas Day then Chris! Sign up at patreon.com slash abuapart for an extra hour and a half of this fucking shouting. And you're turning it down. Oh no, I'll have some microwave chips please, Lord. Didn't say that. Didn't say that. Proper crunchy roasties made.

Crunchy? Crunchy. Crispy on the outside, fluffy on the middle. Crunchy on the outside, fluffy on the middle. Oh, I'll have a chip. Fuck off. I'm Dan and I've got opinions on food. Fucking irrelevant. Thanks for that Holly, that was fun.

Sara says, boys have a word with my boyfriend Lewis. We went on a double date with one of my mates and just after we sat down for the meal, my boyfriend asked, oh so Hannah, how far along are you? And went to touch her belly. Hannah is not pregnant. This made the whole meal awkward and Hannah even only

hoarded a side salad despite us being at a pizza restaurant. Lewis claims he got confused with another mate of mine that is pregnant but that doesn't help the fact that he basically pointed at her stomach and gested his hand like she was a big fat heifer. Now she's not speaking to us. Have a word with them lads and tell us how we can make her feel better. What's his name? Lewis? Sarah's messaging and Lewis is... Maybe she is pregnant and she doesn't know. Lewis, fucking... You're a laugh you lad. The balls to do that at any point is the thing. I'm not like, I hate calling balls just to do stuff, but I don't know how anyone gets fat women confused with

pregnant women because they don't look the same at all. What happens if you're fat and pregnant? I think they just look a bit fatter. What happens if you're fat and I'm pregnant? I think they just look a bit fatter. Well, if you're like wheat intolerant, you're bloated. Yeah. What I'm saying is like pregnant women look pregnant, fat women look fat. I can tell the difference me. I'm not flex.

Fucking hell, wait, calm down. Wow. Never ask, wait until they mention it because they'll mention it in the first two sentences anyway. Let them talk. Oh, bloody hell, I can't drink, I'm pregnant mention it, because they'll mention it in the first two sentences anyway. Let them talk. Oh bloody hell, I can't drink, I'm pregnant. Boss, you already know. If you haven't mentioned it, they're not pregnant.

I think Lewis did it on purpose. I think he's like, yeah, I think we're bored of Hannah. Let's get rid of her from this friendship group. That's smart. Wow, how far along are you? I don't know, maybe. Maybe he's done it on purpose. Maybe she is pregnant and he knows and she doesn't.

Maybe he's fucked her. Or pregnant. Behind his bed. He's just finished. How far along are you? Maybe she did 9-11. Hello Hannah. Did you mastermind 9-11? I'm not talking to her.

Is she not? Just fat. No, I'm just fat. He doesn't always ask me if I masterminded 9-11. I'm just a bit chunky. Did you mastermind 9-11 or are you fat? Freya says, I need you to have a word with my dad. We go out fairly regularly for meals as a family.

My dad has started causing a bit of a scene and complaining about the most menial things to get money off the bill or free desserts. Last time at a Greek restaurant he made up that he saw a rat and demanded he wasn't going to pay full price. We never eat at the same restaurant anymore and it's unbelievably embarrassing, but he won't listen to anyone and doesn't get why we're all embarrassed by it as it's saving us money. Have a word with him lads. Stop taking them out. Let them die on his own. Miserable old fucking tight cunt. No, I think it's funny. I think that's funny. That is like typical like fucking middle aged dad behavior. That stinks. Laura's mate used to be like this

in Nottingham. We used to go out and she was a real complainer and I loved her. She was really fun, but she got her in her head that any fault she could find, she expected like a voucher for meals off. And every time we went for lunch, she was like, Oh, I've got 15 pounds off from like, it was mental how many little things, but it's cringy because it's so disrespectful to the people who just work in a minimum wage job, which I've done. I've done that. I've worked that job and you've just got some Karen finding fault with everything because

she knows she's playing the system worried that customer service is going to get back to head office and that they're going to get bollocked. It's such a snaky thing to do. If there's valid complaint, if there's a problem, if there's real stuff going on, fair enough complaint. You don't have to just be a wallflower and accept everything. But it's such an eggy thing. I stopped going for lunch with her,

and I was like, if we're going out with her, I'm not coming. Because it was horrible. You were waiting for her with Evelyn. If we're going out with her, I'm not coming, cause it was horrible. You were waiting for her to find a problem and it's just awful. It just sours the mood completely. Yeah, don't cost the business. So what's the minimum? If there's a hair in your food, are you complaining?

If they put their dick in you, and you've started. It depends, doesn't it? It depends, if it ruins your meal, be like, listen, there's a hair in that, do you mind just swapping it out? Don't be like, I expect not to pay. Just be cool and they'll be cool back. Also, if there's there's just like one little hair on me please, I move it out the way and I'll carry on eating. If there's like fucking loads of hair on it, if there's like

several, I go, I'm going to be honest with you mate, there's quite a lot of hair on me food, would you mind just getting us a new one? Yeah. Something about hair though, even if you find one, it's a bit like... Put you off. Yeah, but I don't really know why. A hair in your mouth is worse than a cock. Do you know when you've got like a hair in your mouth and you're like ahhh. If you find a cock in your mouth at a restaurant I think you should get 50% off your next meal. 50% off your next meal to get you to come back again. I'm still full price. Listen, you know what the chef's duck is dick in your mouth but you love lasiguanas, don't you? And you'll be back. You would go back as well. I fucking love it.

They do curly fries and dicks. They do curly dicks. Yeah, just be like, listen, jamans, swap on the loud. Hard complaints to sound, but don't be fucking making stuff up. Oh, there's a rat in the corner, not paying a price. There's a rat in the corner. Well, even at a chain, even at a massive chain and they're not asked like you go to Nando's there's that's not going back to the person working there isn't

yeah but why sit there and just make someone have to do more work than enough to because you pretended to see a rat. I know it sounds like a mad extension but it's stealing in it. Yeah. Well, they're stealing. He's stealing. They're making up in a way is terrible because someone could lose their job. If it got back to like head office and they came in, someone could genuinely lose their job just because you were trying to get 20 quid off your meal. That's scummy as fuck. And that is, it's even more than stealing in it. Yeah. I think if they've proved there's no rat, you should have to pay 20% extra. I'll just prove a negative.

There are no rats here right now, so no. God, I didn't think about that. Thanks lads, thanks for helping me learn. There is no rats in this restaurant. Last one, Michael Rag says, lids, have a word with my mate. My friend Pete was staying at ours and dog sitting whilst we were away, which we floated him some money for while we're on holiday. I look on Instagram

and a mutual friend of ours has stories of him and loads of others drinking in our house. He had a barbecue in our garden and used our pizza oven. I called him out on it and he's ignoring me. Have a word with him. The cheeky cunt. He's sick. You have a barbecue in your house. Don't mess with that. That's so cool. Carl, if Steve was dog sitting for you and then he had a barbecue, you would be. I've gained the barbecue of any pizza oven. Genuinely, I'd be like, where the fuck did you get the barbecue from? I've gained the barbecue of anything. It's not a pizza oven! It's not that! Genuinely, I'd be like, as long as it's clean and you haven't fucked me house up, what's the issue?

You use me calligas! If someone's house is sitting for you, they get to fully use your house as if they lived there. As long as it's returned to its original state. Yeah, and he refuses to whenever Steve stays at mine. No! Oh, rented out my house on Airbnb, use the oven! What are you talking about?

Steve, have you had sex in Carl's house when you've been dog sitting? No! I've had sex in Carl's house and I've never even dogs have. It's popped in once. Really? Quick fork and left. Yeah? You're getting nose broke for that.

Shouldn't have given him a key. Really, really. If I go, listen, can you look after my house? You're staying in the house? I've had a barbecue, you think it's fucking sick? That's cool as fuck. I call absolute bullshit on this. No, I promise.

No, it's not. You can't bum in the master bedroom if you dog sit in. No, come on. You can't change the sheets. Oh no. What do you mean? I only give it to people I trust. So as long as-

If I was house sitting in yours, can I not have a barbecue? No. What? So hang on, wait. No. All right, Dan. You can't clean up after yourself.

No. It's not going back to me. No, no, no. There is an assumption with this that I pay for a cleaner. I get a clean. That is more likely. Right, okay. So what's the limit then?

So can I, I'm house sitting for you. Yeah. You're on a box and bath and holiday with Laura and the kids. It's what, yeah, the B and B for you. Yeah. You're on a box and bath and holiday with Laura and the kids. I swat at the B and B. Right. Box and bath. So I'm house sitting for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can I invite Carl round? Three guests maximum. Bollocks. Yeah, your Mrs. Carl and fucking Jackie Chan. Mrs. Carl and Jackie Chan. I don't even know Jackie Chan. You left Jackie Chan, you know,

before you didn't have a barbecue. If you invited him. That's insane. If he was your plus one. I am damn late. Yeah, right, okay. I'm watching Italian know Jackie Chan. You left Jackie Chan in your house before you didn't have a barbecue. If you invited him. That's insane. If he was your plus one. Yeah, I'm watching the telly with Jackie Chan. So me, me, me, Mrs. Jackie Chan and Carla there, right? And then Finn knocks on the door. I have to go, go away!

No, Jackie has to leave. It's one in one house. Finn's got a key. That feels racist, don't it? Yeah. Right, so I have to tell Finn he can't come in. I want to get rid of Jackie Chan. Can Steve come in?

No, no, no. That's a work's do. And what, OK, so me, me, me, he can't come in. I want to get rid of Jackie Chan. Can Harry come in? Can Steve come in? No, no, no. That's a work stoop. Okay, so me, me missus, Jackie Chan and Carla there. Can I turn the oven on? Yeah. Can I go in the garden and use the barbecue? Have you got a barbecue?

Yeah. Can I use the barbecue? Go on then, yeah, yeah, yeah. So what's the problem? Three guests maximum. Why is the maximum, people? Because otherwise it's a fucking house party. Why aren't you letting me have a party? Three person, three guest maximum. Why is the maximum people? Because otherwise it's a fucking house party.

Why aren't you letting me have a party? A barbecue is a house party, it's mainly in the garden. I have a couple of questions. One, can you use the food in your freezer? No, they're my nuggets. Two, you said you had a problem with bumming. You can't expect a lad to stay in your house for a week and not have a wank. Oh.

Isshan's wanked in your house? He's wanked in my garden office and that's fair game. If I won't let him in the main house. I like you have a marve. Yeah, I can't see you in the garden office. Where would I be sleeping in yours if I was house sitting? Guest bedroom. Guest bedroom, can I fuck?

Yeah, I mean, I'm gonna have to burn a mattress, but yeah. Why would you have to burn the mattress? It's a Christmas mattress. What's right is right. So I can fuck? Yeah, I mean, it's gonna have to burn a mattress, but yeah. Why would you have to burn the mattress? What's right is right. So I can fuck? Just pussy? Just a bum-bum? Just women? Yeah?

I can't get into the details of it, but I think guest bedroom. So he can bum a woman, but he can't have a barbecue with Jackie Chan? He absolutely can have a barbecue with Jackie Chan. As long as Jackie Chan brings no more than two friends. Oh he's not Jackie Chan's not bringing Jackie Chan's got no plus ones. By the way I meant Serika when I said Jackie Chan but it's funny as I just keep saying Jackie Chan. Why Serika Jackie Chan?

She fucking fucking kills people on the night out. ZOOOOO! Ronaldo? He's not allowed it. Oh Chris Tucker. Chris Tucker and Jackie Jan, they can have a barbecue at my house anytime. If you're sitting for someone,

you get free reign of the house as long as you don't break anything and you put everything back as it was. Yeah. Turn the lights off, you'll waste the electricity. Is that you? No. Can you turn the heating on? Don't be using me telly.

It's only got an hour left. Can you turn the heating on? You can if it's after October the 15th and before March 15th. Can they use your Netflix? And go ahead in a series that you're already watching? Oh come on! Does Jackie Chan have no fucking principles? What if I'm trying to dry my jeans on the radiator because they got wet?

Can I turn the heating on then? Yeah. Even if it's July? No. I can't go in the garden. The barbecue's too busy. It gets smoky. You've got to have some. You also know if you ever have a house for me. I know that. Wednesday stays in ours. Do you know Wednesday stayed in mine for the first time. He stayed in the back bedroom. Out of respect. It was out of respect. Yeah. He didn't stay in the big bed. I'd rather not sleep in the person's bed.

I would rather not. I'd rather sleep in like the spare bedroom. Where you can bump Jackie Chan. It's all I've ever wanted. Alfie was staying with me once and he asked, uh, it wasn't like on the card that night, but he was like, hey, you know, if I was ever staying with you. And it was at a time when him and Jesse broke up, it was like, if I was ever staying with you and I wanted to bring someone back to fuck them, would that be okay?

And I was like, this is what I said. I was like, as long as I'm not in, that felt like the right answer. Because you feel jealous. I didn't want to be watching telly in my own bedroom in my own flat and Alfie's fucking bumming on in the spare room. Do you know what I mean? If you turn that barbecue on. But if I'm out, fuck away.

You know what I mean? I think if you let someone stay in your house, they can do whatever they want because they're in your house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just start a fucking... You wouldn't let me smoke crack in your kitchen. If I got home and didn't smell of crack. Smell of crack.

If I got home and didn't... Carl, you'd be fuming if someone did crack cocaine in your kitchen when you're on holidays. Is there no remnants left? I got a... Honestly, we cleaned up really nicely, but me, Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker did crack in your kitchen. I think you'd have... I don't think you'd be like, yes, sound it.

The first question would be... Use the orange tree. The first question would be, is it clean? I'd be like, yes sound it, use the orange tree. The first question would be is it clean? Why is Jackie Chan just talking to me? No, as long as you've cleaned up, do whatever you want. That's mad, I don't get why you use such a bitch. I'm available for dogs. You do think that's Laura doing stuff in the house now, I think you don't know about. She better not be doing Jackie Chan. Or crack. I'd be annoyed.

Which one would you be more annoyed about? What would you rather get home? And Lord I told you, she'd been bummed by Jackie Chan or she's a crack addict. Right, the crack thing, I don't enjoy the hypocrisy of that because I'm not allowed to do coke and she's been doing crack on a Wednesday. I wish she's been projecting this whole time. What would you rather catch her doing with purpose, we can get you there. The University of Victoria's MBA in Sustainable Innovation is not like other MBA programs. It's for true changemakers who want to think differently and solve the world's most pressing challenges. From healthcare and the environment to energy, government and technology, it's your path

to meaningful leadership in all sectors. For details, visit uvic.ca slash future MBA. That's uvic.ca slash future MBA. The flu remains a serious disease. Last season, over 102,000 influenza cases have been reported across Canada, which is nearly double the historic average of 52,000 cases.

What can you do this flu season? Talk to your pharmacist or doctor about getting a flu shot. Consider Flu-Celvax Quad and help protect yourself from the flu. It's the first cell-based flu vaccine authorized in Canada for ages six months and older, and it may be available for free in your province. Side effects and allergic reactions can occur, and 100% protection is not guaranteed. Learn more at fluselvax.ca. Don't know about you lot, but I had two pints at lunch and I feel fucking gorgeous. People at home probably didn't, did they?

Because they've got real jobs like paramedics and stuff. Oh yeah, paramedics. Name some of the real jobs, Karl. Paramedic, accountant, builder. Yeah. They're the three jobs. Holy trinity. Builders definitely have two pints at lunch.

Yeah, I suppose. I don't know. Foundry workers. Pilots. Teacher. The most requested return guest of all time, Julian Dean, back on the couch, mate. Guys, who's back? You missed his first episode because you were avoiding him because he owed you money.

Because of that beef. But he paid it. Because of that circuit beef. £17.50 don't come for free. Oh he owes you money and I avoid him. Carl, how old do you think Julian is? You mentioned this and you're one of them people who are old and you... Guess low.

You've always got to guess five years younger than you think. No see I think you're probably, I think you're early 40s. That's about right, isn't it? No, it's not. No? Oh, are you? But what are you? 40 something, yeah.

Are you late 40s? Late 40s. Yeah, you don't look late 40s. You're older than Dan. Yeah. Yeah. Don't say that confidently. You're better than me, mate. No, I don't.

Do you know how old his oldest child is? Is it older than yours? 29 years old. How old are you, Carl? 32. 32? 29. Fresh meat.

Kid. Older than him. How old are you? 26. Raw young ute. Fresh meat over there. That's the half. That's good, man.

Before we started recording, I asked Julian if there's anything he didn't want to talk about. I'm a young ute. Fresh meat over there. That's the point. I asked Julian if there's anything he did when I was younger and he said his age. And then I convinced him to let me do it. And I just fucking throw bad at him. What's your secret Julian? I'll just say young. He kills women at night.

I eat babies. I eat babies. I don't drink, I do vape, I don't smoke. I don't know. I don't think I particularly look young. I used to look really young. Like I could never get in clubs and stuff. When you were young. Yeah, when I was young.

When you were 30. When I was six. Too young. But I could never get, I always had to have ID and stuff, do you know what I mean? To buy drugs. You're too young for this mate. I'm getting my fentanyl fix. You had surgery last week? I had some fentanyl on Thursday actually administered like by a hospital.

I thought fentanyl genuinely was like arsenic. I thought it was like poison. No, it's an actual painkiller, like morphine, but it's like next level. Was it good? Yeah, man. I haven't drank in like about 10 years and it was buzzing, man.

Absolutely. I was texting people, ringing my daughter, telling her I'm actually talking shit. It was like, I was out my head. You have to take it back the next day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't. I'm talking shit. I was out of my head. You have to take it back the next day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't. I hate you again.

What was the surgery? It was just, it wasn't even a hernia. It was just like a lump removed. So it wasn't a, like a bit, it was just aesthetic really. I just wanted it off. But I don't know how I got a private hospital. It was NHS, but I don't know, just just locked out. I think the NHS has changed a little bit hasn't it? They've privatised bits of it so they outsource it to the private hospitals.

Yeah I think the white patients get private stuff. That's what it is genuinely. It is? No it's not. Oh you don't believe him raising some in in the NHS? They're not like, oh shit, he's white. Get him on Bupa. We'll cover it. Get him a hotel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in Dubai, yeah? Yeah, you'll love it.

There's jet skiing on the NHS. I don't know, I just lucked out. I think sometimes they just bang you in a private hospital, don't they? Maybe, I don't know. Yeah, they do, yeah. I mean, it was amazing, yeah. What was different to a standard hospital? I mean, it was amazing. Yeah. What was different to a standard hospital?

I mean it was like a hotel. You get a menu For surgeries. Yeah, you can stay in as long as you want. They give you fentanyl General anesthetic you have all these consultants chatting to you. It's just you were next level. You've mentioned you don't drink Do you do any drugs? No. No, have you done them in the past? Yeah Yeah, a lot. Yeah, what was your favorite one? I? Mean not now cuz it made me feel so don't even miss it or anything, but I guess cocaine at the time Really? Yeah, yeah Yeah Good

Spamming ultimately is dead bad. I don't miss it. Oh, I don't feel like it at all That's good. What about some sweet rocks? Have you done crack yeah, I've smoked it a couple of times a couple of times That is the least addictive personality ever a couple of times Take it all either Crack is just cocaine isn't it? Just crystallised. You really like it but you don't miss it.

Like my mum used to make these stuffed pork ribs and since she's been dead I've never had them and I love them but I don't miss them. It reminds you of her? No because I still have Bolognese, that does remind me of her. Ah. Yeah but like I haven't had their stuffed pork ribs. But whenever Adam goes wild he's on the streets like I haven't had her stuffed pork ribs. So whenever Adam goes wild, he's on the streets

like selling his ass for stuffed pork ribs. Julien? Did you ever spend time with a Rastafarian man doing some sort of narcotics as well? Who told you that? Just knew it. We've got a research document, Julien. Oh, what, Linden I did, yeah.

Years ago when I was about 13. Where did you know that? He wasn't actually, he was a raster, Oh, what? Linden I did. Yeah. Years ago when I was about 13. Where did you know that? He wasn't actually, he was a rasta, but I mean, he went, he was a Jamaican guy. Like his dad was a raw, but he didn't have like dreads or anything. But he, um, what, what did you do smelling salts? Smelling salts? Yeah. Yeah. But we used to, we used to go there because he could roll spliffs. So we'd give him our stuff and sit in his house and get stoned. Yeah, big old.

13. Big dick. We have to shock him off for weed. We used to have to roll his dick. But yeah, smelling salts I did there. How did you get introduced to him? He lived in the estate behind my house. And that was just, how old, how much older was he than you?

He must've been 30. Is that weird? Anyone got any questions here? No? No? Okay. He weren't like a nonce, I don't think. I don't think. He was consensual. I think he actually fancied me.

I fancied him. He was nonce-a-doo-ing me, hey? He was frigidual. I think he actually fancied me. I fancied him. He was frigid. He touched me on the man. He was a right prude. I've come round here for some dick lindens. We'll take your weed. The thing is though, I don't know what Rills like,

because you give us such a mixed sort of image of it but like in Dovey where I grew up if there was a rasta man in the next street who was giving out flips that wouldn't be that mad. It would be in West Derby. In Dovey it would though wouldn't it? No. No? No. I mean there was only one black fella in Dovey. Black Alan the taxi driver. I mean there was only one black fella in the end of it, Black Allen the Taxi Driver. That's his full name. Born for the role. Genuinely, he was in my dad's dad scene. And my dad, if my dad was talking about him, he would call him Black Allen the Taxi Driver.

Do you think Black Allen would have done? Yeah, there's only one black man in the area, taxi drivers are redundant. It's just wasted syllables isn't it? It was actually like it was big news because in the area I lived in there was all the sevens and all the eights, two different taxi firms so 0151480. I thought you meant the girls like crazy. I thought you meant the girls, like, grading you. And the 10s were up on the hill. 4807777, it was 4808888, and they were like rival taxi firms. And it made the paper when Black Allen moved from the 7s to the 8s.

Figo going to fucking Real Madrid. What paper? The double B paper? The Echo. The Echo. The Echo. Front page of the Echo. Black Allen's Taxi Driver makes big moves. Did they call him Black Allen?

They call him Black Allen the Taxi Driver. Fair enough. I know everything about him. This is true by the way. So yeah, if there was a rastaman giving out spleaves on like Linstead, like we would have found out about that. On a counselor state, there was always some like reprobate adult

that would just have kids around doing drugs and stuff. Some of them were nances probably. There's a smack head in our street who'd do anything if he bought his kids some sweets. Me yesterday. There's a smack head in our street who'd do anything if he bought born as a kid some sweets. Me yesterday. There's a smackhead on our streets who'd do anything if you're born as a kid some sweets. Did he not want the sweets? You've said this before.

Does he not want sweets? He's a smackhead. He's being a good dad. He was spending all his money on smack so he'd do offie runs for the local children. The shit he'd do for Haribo. Got weird. Genuinely, if you gave him an extra couple of quids so that he could spend it on sweets for his kids, he'd go the offie for you and get you whatever you wanted.

And he was an honorable man. What if you wanted sweets? I mean, none of us, we didn't need him to go the offie to get a sweet. We could have gone and got the sweets. How lazy you'd be. So why were you giving him money? To get alcohol.

So we'd be like 12 and he'd go the off license. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And get you like, you know, 16 cans of Stella and a couple of bottles of Frosty Jacks White cider. Condoms. And he'd leave them in the entry for you. But you'd like on top of that, you'd have to give him like three quid

so he could buy three quids worth of Aribo for this kid. Oh and a coin in it, you know what I mean? An entrepreneur. It's a good little business model. You should go on. What's that show? Dragon's Den. Dragon's Den. Listen, I want £2 million worth of Alibot and I'll get you all bevvies forever.

50%. He was class. He had like 11 kids. That's a lot of sweets. Yeah. But he was a heroin addict as well. We called him a smackhead, but basically we just knew he did some sort of drugs regularly. He had to walk, you know what I mean? The pace.

What? You know, smackheads could like walk. A smackhead could compete against Usain Bolt in the 100m and beat him. Walk. Yeah, they go a long way. could compete against Usain Bolt in the 100m and beat him. Walk and... Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah, they go a long way. A smackhead's feet are always on the floor, but they manage to leave. Sounds like a proverb.

A proverb. A smackhead's feet are always on the floor. Heading the clouds feet on the floor. They're rapid though, aren't they? Yeah, they've got... They're doing missions, aren't they? They got smacked again. Quests.

Yeah. Love him. It was useful to have him. He was a nice fella. He was just addicted to smack. And that can happen to the best of us. Yeah, if you do smack, yeah. I don't think it can happen to the best of us. It can.

If you don't try it. Yeah. You went about five steps. If you hadn't got hold of your coke, like, you could have been a smackhead. But I'm not the best of us I think you would have smacked much in you. Do you still do coke? No, I just do shit for Haribo I'm doing you know, I'll sort the kids out. He's banned from coke now. He did too much of it

He was too much fun. The dealers like nah No, my wife's like stop it. It's a dealer. Yeah, she was selling she's still selling it. That's all right She's got to pay for my wife's like, stop it. That is his dealer. Yeah, she was selling it. She's still selling it. Oh, that's all right. She's got to pay for my wife somehow. Is that you? Who did you used to get a ale off when you were younger than, like, was there someone who could get you alcohol?

Yeah, John Moore. Yeah, the big guy. The uni? Yeah, John Moore's uni. I'm trying to repeat today. Yeah, I did a business degree. Have we spoken about this before? Yeah, he's the lad

round our way that would be able to get served at Nina's. This is deja vu now. Because we've spoken about it multiple times. Have you ever do robot wars? Me and my grandad tried. We put a fucking knife through

a cardboard box on a remote control car I know it's not sad, but as it's the 19th time you've heard it, let's do a bit nostalgia There's other nonchie shit in your past Julian. Is there what there's other nonchie? I mean, it wasn't intentional nonchie, but you were you once entered Jim. Oh Jim will fix it didn't you when you were you? Oh, I tried to yeah, I'll write him a letter letter but he didn't reply. You weren't fit enough. I know. What did you want to do? Skydiving.

With him? Not necessarily. Now I do. Were you dying? What's that? Jim will fix it. It wasn't for dead kids. Jim also was like make-a-wish.

Jimmy Savile isn't a dolphin you swim with. You're just like, hey I want... You're thinking of my... He swims with you. When I'm dying I'd love to swim with Jimmy Sav're just like, hey I want... You're thinking of... He swims with you. When I'm dying I'd love to swim with Jimmy Savile's. That'd be beautiful. No, you're thinking of Make-A-Wish, Jimmy Savile's. But I thought it was the same thing.

It is, but it's for normal kids. Not normal, but like kids who are healthy. Oh lord. It was just the TV show where kids went ageing. It's for good kids, yeah. Good normal ones. No, you just write to him and ask him for a wish and then you get on it when you're done.

Oh, I don't wanna make this sound like I'm justifying anything he did, but that takes- It sounds like you are. The perception I had of him was that he was like bumming dead kids. He was doing that. He was in a kids hospital.

He was not in a hospital. So he was doing that, absolutely, but he wasn't doing that on the TV show. The BBC, you know, I think they turned a blind eye a few times, but they weren't like, That's not as bad as bombing live kids though, is it? What do you mean? Bombing dead kids, you said. No, dying, I meant. Oh.

It can't be good, like, if you're already dying and then someone comes in and bums you and he stinks a ciggy, is that going to be fucking awful? I mean, that ain't a way to go out, is it? Even if they were good, are they? No, they're not good, but like, you know, less than the two very bad evils, innit? No, it was just like, hey Jim, I've always wanted to, you know, skydive, right?

And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see your tits. Or something like that. It was along those lines. These were kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's see your tits. Or something like that. It was along those lines. These were kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It used to go to like kids hospitals and stuff, didn't it? Yeah.

I think that's wrong. Do you know what I mean? It's bang out of order, Julian. Do you know what, Julian, it's so good that you're willing to just stand out there. I'm not virtue signaling. I'm... Just be careful with these opinions on the internet.

You're brave, you know what I opinions. I'm going to get so much height my own out of nonsense. Jimmy Savile was bad. It was just that I want to do this thing like, yeah, but I'll waterboard someone and he'd let me with his dick Can happen you'll fix it for you and he wants to go skydiving and you draw a picture of me skydiving and stuff and no reply Maybe it was a shit drawing This kid needs a new brain You did... What? Did you ever write him?

He was 28. I was 34. I was trying to get work on the show. Runner. He sent a CV in. Can I have a job, Hugh? By Telegram. You must have wrote to Jim or Fix.

It was your age. No, that's not a joke. Ed, no, it's absolutely in my era. Yeah, of course. No, I never wrote. What would you have asked? Yeah. I don't even know if I posted the letter to be honest. I remember writing the letter thinking about it. And then just held it back like I think he's gonna probably rape me. Yeah yeah yeah. Playing hard to get. Hang on just before I post this, is he gonna sexually assault me? Playing hard to get with Jim. I lay around the side of caution.

What would you have asked for? What would you have asked for? What was the one thing you wanted as a kid? What would you have sucked off for? To just... Coke. I started really early. Bag of lemon please Jim.

Jim, I'll fix it for you. Driving, I reckon it would have been Formula 1 car. Bit much, star. 8 year old. Classic middle class. I mean that's the sort of thing that could have happened now. You'd have a ride in one with someone. I want to drive a Formula 1 car. With Jimmy. At 11 years old. I would have gone Formula 1. You and Jackie Stewart around Silverstone. Did you just get bad vibes off him when you were younger or was it completely like... No, he's a bit of a character.

No, in retrospect, it looks like someone has drawn a paedophile and it's come to life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's jumped off the page. In retrospect, he's definitely a paedophile. We are mental for not knowing. But at the time, he was just a charismatic guy. And as a kid you don't pick up on the like the little flirty things he's doing and stuff. And he's wanking you off. Yeah.

What's he mean? Now then, now then, now then. I just think it's medical. You know what I mean? What a lovely young man. Now then, now then. Yeah, of course, hindsight 2020. He was like fucking royalty though. Like how famous he was, was insane. Like there's no one. He should turn up for 10 Downing Street and just like walk in.

He had keys to Broadmoor Hospital. Yeah. It could go in. Yeah, on reflection that was probably short sighted, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, a little bit. Who's that famous to get it anyway? Oh, he's the famous, him giving keys to a man. Cause he raised, he raised, he did so much charity work.

That's why he got his knighthood. He's like a, he got, he raised millions, millions... As a cover. For access. But why give him the keys anyway? No, it's a good question. I didn't give him the keys. Smash that, give him the keys to the old gaff.

Didn't he go in and like entertain them? Isn't that what he was saying he was doing? Yeah, he was. Right, you're a murderer. But look at this. He's going to like an all girls school and stuff wouldn't he and like it just nons everyone. What? Oh. Okay. Would he? I've got to say that again. They were the teachers. Having a...

They all loved him. Having a fag break. They've come to see me. You go, you go. Don't worry. Having a fag break. They gave him a sticky break. You go, you go. Don't worry, I'll take this class. He was smoking with Davey the fag break. He's allowed to smoke.

Let's not forget all the charity work though. No I have work. I mean they're not going to give the money back are they? I don't think he should be giving anyone. This is oddly topical isn't it? Topical? 15 years. Alright. Fritzl eh? Fritzl. He was mad. Fritzl will fix it wasn't very good though. Can you get me out of this bunker? Joseph will flitzy. Did you used to watch it? Yeah.

It was... It was... Class. It was class. What was? Jim will fix it. Oh yeah yeah yeah. It was fucking quality.

It was the biggest show in the country. Bigger matches a day. Yeah. Yeah. We watched everything. They only had like one channel that was on for six hours a day. Four channels and then midnight is the Spice Girls started channel five. Yeah. We watched everything. We watched the national lottery. They launched it. Yeah. I didn't know that. 95, 96. We watched everything. The national lottery. The results was a half hour program.

You think the country was everyone? Everyone was like, holy shit, they're going to just pull the numbers out and we're going to maybe win a tenner. It was massive. It's like gladiators Baywatch. Oh yeah. Blind date was Saturday night. Nol's house party. Someone died on NOLS house party. Someone died on it. Yeah. And they, that's why it finished. NOLS house party was the best. That was a skydive wasn't it as well? Didn't someone die in a skydive? Was it?

Yeah. Got away with one there. My dad had like a confabulated memory of that. Cause when he started deal or no deal, my dad hated him. And I was like, why'd you hate this fella? And he's like, he fucking killed someone. Didn't he? I think went wrong. He said he had an argument with someone and pushed them out of a plane. And I looked into it. I was like, no, that's

someone on his TV show did a skydive that went wrong. And he was like, fuck it. Don't argue, he played though. I remember. He was like, I remember. Mick Rowe's been going round W1. He did 9-11, that and all that. I'm watching it. I'm not watching it. Hey, Mr. Blobby's class, if you do 9-11, I'm out. What's 9-11, Mick? Oh, yours.

Mr. Blobby did 9-11. It was in 1997. He's going to do 9-11. Just get a sense. It's 9-11. He looks, you know looks weirdly jihadi. Do you think the country was in a better state back then when there wasn't as much choice? What, 9-11?

An hour before it was all right. But like when there wasn't as much choice, that was better, wasn't it? What, without the internet and stuff? Yeah, like Netflix and like all these streaming services where you can pick whatever you want to watch It's too much innit, it was better when it was just this is what's on Or blockbox, popcorn

You just didn't have a choice, you just didn't have a choice Yeah Watch the fucking Golden Girls Like it wasn't better, it was the only option apart from like turning the TV off and staring at a wall Yeah but it was better, wasn't it? You had videos though. What? You had videos. We had videos of the shit that was on TV.

Wasn't it better for like keeping everyone... You could all chat about the same thing. Like we all watch different shit and you can't talk about it. Yeah, but if you missed it, you missed it. Yeah, that's not true because they repeat stuff. My mum, like, do you remember Bad Girls? Oh mate, Jim Fenner Jim Fennner and fucking shell Yeah, like my mom used to watch that religiously

show badly There wasn't another choice That's a confabulated memory Deborah Meaden was not in my girls Deborah Meaden in 9-11. Deborah Meaden played shell Yeah with Mr. Blobby. 9-11. The twins hours. Debra Meaden wasn't in bad girls. This isn't a confabulated moment. Yes she was. I'm not having you google that. Google shell bad girls Debra Meaden. That's never been searched before has it? Oh look, not not Deborah Meaden. What's her name? Deborah Stevenson. Oh, I was thinking, Oh, Deborah Meaden. The dragon. Yeah. Theopithetus was

Jim Fenner, wasn't he? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I remember it now. Duncan Valentine was one of the guards. Fucking knobhead. She's got an impressionist there. Who? Yeah. With Colshaw and Stevenson. Yeah she's good. She's on balls of steel as well. I don't even know who you're talking about. Same, I've got no idea. Deborah Stevenson. Yeah she was famous like 20 years ago. Yeah. Surely you were watching Bad Girls? Shout out Deborah Stevenson. I didn't watch it. It says in a woman's prison, Jim Fenn and a girl around me like, oh you want an extra Surely you were watching Bad Girls? Shout out Deborah Stevenson. I didn't watch it. It says in a woman's prison, Jim Fenn had a go-round being like, Oh, you want an extra sausage on your breakfast?

He wasn't watching it. He was doing crack with a rasta around the corner. He was busy. Cell Block H was before that time. Yeah, but it was rerun, wasn't it? Do you remember Cell Block H? It was on like at midnight with the fucking Demetrius Ravus. He should have smoked some rocks and watched it.

Were you more of a porridge man? That's not a homophobic slayer by the way. That's before your time, porridge. Porridge was class. That was on the reruns. I watched it while getting bummed. It was class. Porridge was amazing.

And what was the one? Open All Hours. Open All Hours. Excellent. But they're all... Only Fools and Horses. They played so much that was like, oh yeah, this is from 20 years ago, but we'll play it all the time. You'll have to watch it. And you take TV. I can't believe neither of you has watched Bad Girls. That was a big part of my childhood because me ma loved it. Yeah, there was lesbians. What? There was lesbians,

innit? Oh no, there was just women in prison who fucked each other. They're not lesbians. So was it Orange is the New Black, but 20 years before? Yeah, IT her. Oh no, there was just women in prison who fucked each other. They're not lesbians. So was it Orange is the New Black, but 20 years before? ITV. Yeah, but it was British and it was gritty and Jim Fenner, mate, was like a bad guy. He locked Shirley from EastEnders in her fingers, you dad. But she wasn't Shirley from EastEnders then. He wasn't like the head guard, but he was like the cunt guard.

You know what I mean? So he'd be like, what, you want to pack a bifters, do you? Rim me. And then they'd do them. And he wouldn't to pack a bifters? Do you? Rim me. And then they'd do it. And he wouldn't give them the bifters. 6 PM on telly. She'll start to home and away. Man, what's rimming?

That'd be the whole episode. Jim, can I have some? Man, why is he eating her asshole? Because of the catchphrase. He wouldn't give them the bifters as well. And it'd be like, oh, Jim, you fucking rat again. The worst Jim to ever be on telly. He'd never learn next week. Rim me.

Oh, class. Yeah, I think you're misremembering it just a touch. That's not that much of an exaggeration. No, it was like that. Yeah, I loved it because it was lesbians on it and I was learning what lesbians were. Were you? Yeah, I didn't know what he meant. I think bad girls taught me what lesbians were, yeah. How old were you?

22. Brookes, I had taught me about lesbians. Oh yeah, Anna Friel. Oh yeah. Friel? Face lesbian kiss on TV. Friel or Friel, what you got in there? I'd say Friel.

What do you say? Frill. Anna Frill from Gold. She's in Gold, yeah. How do you spell it? She used to work in the South. G-O-A-L. So she used to work in the South then? Did she, yeah?

She's fit, eh, mate? Is she not Geordie? Anna Frill. She's Geordie in the film, isn't she? No, she's Scouse, but she's Geordie in the film. I've never seen her in anything else. Literally just seen her. Oh no, Santiago. Fuck me in the film, isn't she? She's Scouse, but she's Geordie in the film. I've never seen her in anything else. Literally just seen her. Oh no, Santiago.

Fuck me in the pussy, mate. That's the best bit of it. She's in like Netflix stuff now, isn't she? She's still working. Is she? She's still working. She works in Starbucks. I think you might be the only guest who's vaping mid. I don't think you could see.

You're not that far away. You know, fans got glasses on. What flavor is it? Um, it is, um, blackcurrant menthol. That one. How long have you been on the vapes? Carl's got beef with vapes. Yeah. Oh, you have, sorry. I thought you meant Carl, my podcast partner. No, you can do whatever you want. I just think it's pathetic. Oh, that's all right.

I can enjoy it. You try and enjoy it now. Were you a smoker? I did, I gave up for years and then I started and then I just found it hard to give up. It gets harder and harder if you keep starting. Every day. It's not called giving up.

You quit every night before bed. That's me done. I've quit so many times man, it's easy. But yeah, it's addictive. Yeah, of course it is. I understand addiction and I know that's difficult. No you don't. You're not calling it pathetic then is that right?

What do you mean no he doesn't? What? Cause he's fucking a pawn shop for kinder buenos. No, I understand what addiction is. I know you, yeah. I understand if he wanted to stop he couldn't because he's addicted. Yeah. I'm saying- You're saying I understand addiction.

Man, it's Cheney, what's yours? I've got black- like, we're all adults here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Second fucking whistle got black. We're all adults here. Yeah Yeah, it's a lollipop that all adults have got but it does hit the sweet tooth as well though Do you know I mean like you get a nice little? Mount they're bound in the mountain the little haribo. That's April. They're all gone. Aren't they the ones the disposal? Oh, yeah, boss man shops are not getting rid of them And then I'm to the counter. Yeah Is most likely you could get addicted to are not getting rid of them. They'll be dead under the counter definitely, yeah. Get them over. What do you think is the thing you,

is most likely you could get addicted to? As in like an illicit substance? Like anything, like what are you, like? Sugar. Gambling. Illicit. Sugar big time. Gambling could be your little thing.

Didn't you have loads of trainers years ago? Yeah. Do you still do that? No, you could have alter that. Was that an addiction? Your feet have got bigger. Yeah. I was when you were a kid, Julian, and get a waltz with that. Was that an addiction? Your feet have got bigger. I was when you were a kid Julian and I can't wear them no more. I say man's sugar. If I don't have sugar for the next any piece of time. That's a lot of people's size. Delicious. That's why.

You do like a bet more than you used to? You look at my arm now. You know any addiction for God knows. No, no, no, he's not. But not but it is like I've ever been once in the last six weeks Any I think he's being I have never won a bet. Oh wait, so you win makes what I thought I put bets on that I don't put like awful at seven. I'll win 12 quid back. I'll put a better like if that comes in that's fun That's the only bet. Oh, you always doing long gods I'll do not less than like 40 really because I want it to be fun of I win but no no no sugar I'd say sugar like I crave sugar it's bad but sugar craves sugar if you have it you crave it if you go dry for a little while it takes 10 days doesn't it to get out your system and get to get the edges away as well could you do that probably not no you I mean you could I

could do it of course but like day to day I'm like, I'll just have a camera stuff. Like if you'd asked me a week ago or two weeks ago, could I go a week without meat? I'd have said, absolutely not. Yeah, we did. I've been in India. I did. Yeah. I basically went a week without coffee as well. And like I drink two or three coffees every day. Yeah. But you didn't carry it on when you got back. That was a triple espresso I had. Yeah, I drink, so- It's hardcore. My coffee order- That was a flex by the way. No one gives a shit.

My coffee order's an Americano with three shots of espresso in. So I have that, but just with a bit of water and milk in. Are you having multiple of them a day? Or is that like a special? I have a few, yeah. Julie and I are in the same bracket of people. The dirty gets who are like, Oh, this, this is something that's going to make me feel different or better. Yeah. And it's hot. Like you're the opposite of that. You're like, well, what

if I do none of that? And then I'll feel good. Yeah. I like to stay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a bit of a thing. No, it's not. It's absolutely a better way to live, but it's a better way to live. And it's a bit of a gimpy thing. I meet people who are like revisions to your exams is a better way to live. And it's also a bit of a gimpy thing. I see the, I see the same traits in people where you're like, if someone goes, Hey, this thing that for long term is probably bad for you. It's going to make you feel great for a day. I'd be like, yeah, absolutely.

You have to pick your vices. Like coffee has also got some benefits, maybe, isn't it? Yeah, of course. Delicious. I mean, that's one. You working for Big Coffee Julian? But um so your sugar what kind of what do you have what is your sugar how does it come? Is it like that because you don't have full fat coke? No I know but I think I've told my brain it is. What? When we were in India and we both used sugar. But your brain knows now because you said it out loud.

I need some sugar, remember? I'm going to die of coke. No. Oh, I remember that. You must have been asleep. But what do you have, like Haribo's? Chocolate, like I love chocolate. I love it. It's just that, I'd say if I had a vice, it's eaten poorly. Why don't you start vaping? Join us. I just don't get it. Would you vape?

If you could stop vaping, the addiction gone, would you stop? Yeah, because it's not good. It's not good for me. But I think that it's, you know, there could be worse things I could do. Absolutely. Julie, you know, you're myself. Yeah, don't do that. Don't do it.

Vape rather than end it. Eat shit. What about the testosterone? Because you, you're, you're a gyms man, aren't you? Yeah, I tried. Actually I tried testosterone about two months ago. I'd have my levels tested and they're good. Obviously. I think you can tell, but they were like quite good, but I just wanted to get some anyway. And I've got a little bit and I'll put, but the thing is it, my testosterone, it went too high.

You just fucking everything. Yeah. No. And, but your estrogen rises. Like if you, it turns into estrogen if it's too high and then you get a bit hormonal and stuff and it messed me up, man. I was fucking like over thinking. I don't know.

I just felt all emotional. And then you came on. It was definitely the testosterone. You meant to have estrogen blockers though with it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you just went straight. Yeah, I just blew it into my ass. Crying in a gym, breaking PBs with tits. I did feel like, I did feel emotional. I felt like how women must feel like on their... Tuesday. On every day of their moany life. No, but like, you know, time of the month kind of vibes, like... Julian Dean does testosterone and sits on a couch eating chocolate watching Love Actually.

Yeah, yeah. It definitely fucked me up. I'm overthinking, I'm paranoid, I'm emotional, I'm sentimental. You know when you're just unbalanced. But was it good in the gym though? I moved some steel man. Just crying. I got a couple of PB's.

Blood coming out of my vag. Couple of tampons in my arse. Waaah! I think I'm going to do a competition! What's yours then? What's my vice? What's my vice? You drink alcohol often. Is that your vice alcohol? Yeah. I'm

not spying on you. I'm out of my way. We're best friends. We have been 15 years. You've also got like your phone and stuff. That's one. Yeah. I've got. Yeah. Yeah. It's a problem here. But like that's a fucking, everyone's got that problem. It's not feel mad to admit that. Why don't you ever die off of it? No, because there's a difference between advice and a problem. It was a very closely linked on the advice is a problem by definition, isn't it? No advice means it's bad for you. Yeah. I'll be like, Oh, keep making money.

That's me vice. I've always known. No, it's something that's bad for you. But like there's a difference between enjoying a drink and having a drinking problem. Totally. Yeah. But like even if you just enjoy a drink, it's a difference between enjoying a drink and having a drinking problem. Totally, yeah. But like, even if you just enjoy a drink, it's a little vice. Yeah, maybe you're right.

Yeah, I'm saying they're not a million miles away from you at all. But you, you can't- This is an intervention. You can't possibly- We're not even recording it. You can't possibly ever drink and not say it's a vice because it is. It's something that is definitely bad for you and you enjoy it. Totally, yeah. So- You're definitely not an alcoholic. No. and not say it to vice because it is, it's something that is definitely bad for you and you enjoy it. Told you.

So. You're definitely not an alcoholic. No. Cause you can have a couple of pints. Yeah. And that's it. And if I have a couple of pints, then I can go home and just have six more before bed.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can do that. As long as you've always got a pint, you're happy. That's not an alcoholic, do you know what I mean? I just need it to get through the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not a fun thing for me.

No, no, no. It's necessary. It's a long drinking game. It's just survival. Life is a drinking game. Yeah, life's a drinking game. Every time you have a feeling, you have a drink. It's not a problem.

I'm trying to win. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it is. It's not a win drinking. I'm better than you at it. Yeah, you're trying to win. So I yeah, yeah. That's what it is. Sort of wind drinking. I'm better than you, are you? Yeah, you're trying to win. So I win? That blows my mind though,

how you can just have like a couple of pints and then no more and just go and have a coffee or whatever. Yeah, it's classic. Well, that's how, that's how, that's the difference between like a bit of advice and a problem, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, is that why you stopped? Yeah.

Just not knowing when to stop. I just couldn't stop really. Are you like a floodgate drinker where one pint just opens the floodgates and you can't stop? Yeah, basically. I've done that as a younger man now. Should we get them in?

I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm so much better now. I'm going on. I'm done. Yeah, you used to be awful at it. I just cut, like I didn't have it until I was about, I'm so much better now. I'm going on. I'm done. I'm going to bed. Yeah, you used to be awful at it. I just cut, like I didn't have it until I was about, I was about 32. 31.

31 and a half. I was completely incapable of it. But now I'm like, I can literally go. Since April, he's a different man. I can literally go now. Do you know what? 14's enough, man. It is time for a day nap.

Time for a siesta. Fourteen's enough and countdown's on soon. I've got off on a lie down. You don't do drugs or anything, no? What have you ever been into? Just don't need it, man. It fuck up his nuts. It's already in your blood.

I've done coke and I've done a bit of pot. Just like a couple of times. Yeah. In a pot you your blood. I've done coke and I've done a bit of pot. Just like a couple of times. Yeah. In a pot you've done. I've done pot. The fact that you call it pot means that you don't really do it. He's done cocaine and pot. I've done cocaine and pot and it's um. He's done two drugs. A little doobie. I was a man I want. I smoked weed every day of my whole teenage years, man. Every single day. Yeah. I miss that a little bit. Like, do you do it now?

How old are you, Finn? 26. I started late considering. Well, not considering. I think I started at like 20. That's quite late, man. Which is later. How come you started? Uni. Just that was the thing I liked doing. Do you drink a lot?

No, not a big drinker. I'd never really... I'll socially drink, but I don't enjoy that as much. But even that's only the last two years you've become a drinker, isn't it? Yeah, that's with yous. Yeah. Yeah. Sound like you've got a drinking problem to me. We weren't worried about you.

You all right, man? No. You've got to find Jesus man. Is this alcohol now? Is yours now that you've replaced the cocaine? It's not the vapes now. I wish that. Your vice. The thing that's bad for you. Advice to me is a thing that you know is bad that you enjoy. Yeah. That could be a bacon sandwich though. Yeah. Well, that, yeah, it's bacon. So much is, is it porn since I've converted to Judaism, I need to quit the is it because you know, you know, that's the harm. We watched some porn. She just gets some drugs and puts them on.

Do you mind if it's going to be weird for Steve to film it? Can you get the camera off me a sec? Can you wank in here? Who's that sec? Couldn't you wank in here? I'm going to laugh. Who's had a wank in here? I've had sex in here. Have you? Dan obviously has as well then. Come here.

Come on, countdown's nearly over. The lock- locking special. Is it porn or alcohol? Which one is it? Porn is a vice, man. If porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am.

Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am.

Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's a vice, then I am. Well, if porn's That's a fucking good genre. I like him to tap out earlier than that. You love a pint. I like a pint just as much as I always liked a pint.

What's your porn genre that you would bang in? Lesbian breastfeeding is a real focal point at the moment. I've got to the point now where in the babies again as well. Lesbians don't. He's a lesbian, come here. You love that don't you, you lesbian bitch? They probably don't lactate.

Oh. I don't think you can. There should be no kids in it anyway to be honest. No you're right. They should probably stop watching everything. Is it lesbian? Is it breath feeding? Is that your thing right now?

No, I'm just being silly. The more you watch, the more... The darker it gets. Not darker. No, no, no, of course not. No, no, no. No, no, no, what were you going to say? Blacker.

I had about a six week window earlier this year where all I was watching was black girls skating in a car. Then you went home and watched some porn. Through the window. Six-week window. It's true though, it is a slippery slope. I think porn is bad for society. Especially with all the breastfeeding. Making a stand again. I keep hearing this, that it's like, oh it's going to fuck you up.

And there's not one good thing you can get from porn though, is there? It changes your expectations. Like because you watch porn, you expect Lord as a fucker. And she's like, no. When I got married to her, I thought she might fuck me more. You should get her to watch porn as well. Oh she does. Does she? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh that's good. Does she? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good.

Gail Porn's mad, though, isn't it? Not with Gail Porn, they're like painting me out. And you can both act it out. Yeah, yeah, it's just me doing, it's just building Nikea furniture. Gail Porn's just grand designs. It's just watching Tim Allen's home improvement. Look at him. Just the beginning of the rest.

Look at him, he's cottoning. Just a guy putting his toothbrush back in the little. Yeah, girl pawns all emotional and connective and. Pawn is destroying us though, isn't it? It's destroyed the lads below us. Yeah, not you, but you're like this. We just talked about it earlier. Yeah, yeah. We're thicker skinned and we can handle it better.

I don't know. Is it destroying you? I think it is. It destroyed you as a child when you watched that Brazilian. handle it better. I don't know. Is it destroying you? I think it is man. It destroyed you as a child when you watched that Brazilian gangbang. It's creating perverts. You watched the Brazilian... Did you have a big talk? Yeah, that fucked me up a little bit. That did fuck you up? Yeah, it just made me like... On reflection, I don't think it did because I've never been to Brazil for a gangbang. So I just... Bet you know of. Oh, you think I might have been sleepwalking and ended up in Rio de Janeiro for a gangbang. So I just... That you know of? Oh, you think I might have been sleepwalking and ended up in Rio de Janeiro over a gangbang. Don't wake him. Don't wake him. That's the worst thing you can do. Don't wake him. Let

him see it out. He could die. He could die. Off he goes. Dan, watch an explicit video. All the way in nine? Yeah, ten maybe. Yeah, like a really explicit. I don't know what you're saying. I watched one when I was... The first port, I went around my mate's cousin's house on the ferry of estate in London and on my lunch break, I was only like 11 and he had a porn

on, but it was like an animal one. You were working at 11? Yeah, no, like I'm from school. Oh, dinnertime we called it. Yeah, I was in the factory. I grew up in Malaysia. Did he just have it, did he know you were coming around or did he just stick it on? Yeah. I mean, he's, it was just on. Yeah. He just didn't care.

Animals. He was like a year above us in school. He wasn't like really. So he was 12. Yeah. So it made sense. He was 12. Yeah. Just to contextualize. It's normal now. But, um But so the first porn I ever watched was like a English ball terrier involved. Wow.

Yeah, that's awful. Carl loves that. You're not impressed. I would never watch it really. Oh, would you? I would never watch it really. I'd never probably not maybe possibly look at it. You know what I mean?

It's crossed with tits. Shall we have a break? We'll have a little think. Get over that. I'm seeing a sec. Hello everyone. Oh, Steve, will you shut up about fucking adverts? About 404, the business manager.

We love, we love our adverts. And now, please, go on, donny's job. Whatever. I'm doing your job, that'll be paid. It's the only action donnie. Enjoy Choco-Mell. Are we still sponsored by them? We've got Choco-Mell in the kitchen though. Put it in the bin. Love Choco-Mell. Now, podcasting is something that we do a lot.

You do it, yeah. You do podcasting, you love podcasting, don't you? Love it. And your podcasting. You love podcasting, don't you? Love it. And your podcast is too vegan idiots. No, it's not. No, TVI. TVI Dan, come on. Oh, is it just- Do you think this is 20s Falcon 2? Do you not read the newspaper? No, I don't think it's 20 fucking 2. Do you not watch the news? Is it just TVI now? It's TVI. TVI. They changed it because they didn't- People were thinking it was about veganism and they knew no one would fucking listen to that. So they changed it to TVI. They changed it because they didn't people were thinking it was about veganism and they knew no one fucking listened to that. So they changed it to TVI. It's about carnivorism. It's about slaughtering animals. It's We Are TVI on the socials. Oh nice. Check it out. Follow us. You follow us. No I don't think I do

because I didn't know that. You probably muted us. I know I do. I love you guys. He doesn't follow Where Funny Works for this company. He doesn't follow Harry. They've got to earn it. He didn't follow Finn for like three years. It's blowjob time. No, there was plenty of that. Still wouldn't follow me. Oh, right.

It wasn't a good blowjob. You know what I mean? I mean... TVI then. Go and download and watch TVI. We are TVI. Right. That was good, wasn't it?

This is you and Carl Donnelly shooting the shit. Me and Carl shooting the shit with a guest. Why don't you come on now? I did ask both of you recently. Yeah, we were in India, weren't we? Mate, that's no excuse. What have you got, Dan? We've got some Room 102.

Room 102. Room 102. Go on, Tone. Before we do that, shall we talk about Murderous Row? Now. Oh, if you want to do it now, yeah. So, if you're a patron, you have hopefully seen the news. We are doing a stand- up tour early next year we are

there's not that many dates um but it's called murderers row it's me and dan host them one half each introducing four guests so there'll be dan and two guests in the first half an interval me and two guests in the second half all the lads will be there as well. We are doing Glasgow, Dublin, Cardiff, Nottingham, Birmingham, London, Manchester, Leeds and Newcastle. All dates are now on general sale. Those of which have tickets left anyway. It's going to be the best stand-up you've ever seen. Tickets at LiveNation.co.uk. Lineups are secret. But trust us, there is no better stand-up stand-up. Areups are secret for trust us. There is no better.

Oh, they totally secret. Yeah. Yeah. We're dropping some big boys and then you're coming on at the end. Yeah. Me and Finn. You're going to come and sing a little song and do some singing if you want me to. None of yours though. No, none of mine. Obviously. Don't want to make people cry. They make people cry. Too graphic. graphic. Yeah. They make people angry. I don't want the TV again. Right there. Not my mum. Right there.

And that voice. That's what you sound like. Yeah, we're going to come out all the boys have a sing along. It's going to be a scream. Don't miss out. Get your mates some Christmas gifts as well. We've had a lot of comments saying, why is there no Liverpool? Just shut up.

I don't think. Why is there no Liverpool? Just shut up. I don't think. Why is there no Liverpool? Think about it, Julian. Just think about it. There might just be something else coming at some point. Do you know what I mean? Oh. Do you know what I mean?

Cocaine. A lot of yay-o. We're all getting Charlie the five heads. Let's do some Room 102. Ooh, it's Room 102. If you would like something put into the abyss for all time, have a word pod at gmail.com. Tom says, something for Room 102, barbecue based pizza.

No. It's a simple one. That's been the mood for that, like. Yeah, it doesn't go in Room 102. It's really good. Like if you exterminated tomato based pizza and you were just left with barbecue base, that'd be all right, wouldn't it?

Yeah, I can't eat the full pizza now that makes me think it's a bit sickly. If like, if tomato based pizza is getting a blow job with a finger up your ass, this is just take the finger out. Put it back in. I never thought of it that way. I'd say I only fancy a bar.

Why would you do that every like leap year? Yeah. It's not often, but like if it was your only option, you'd still have it. You like a finger in the ass more than that though. So yeah, it's better than the Cody base pizza. Yeah. Yeah. Tom, I don't think this is passing. Where are you at with BBQ Pizza? Yeah, it's not going to go into room 102. Is there any other... Am I missing it? Is it literally just the normal tomato and occasionally they whack on a bit of BBQ? Is there another alternative? There's like a garlic one. Oh yeah.

A few times. Yeah, they're a bit of a rogue. That's quite nice. Like a garlic base. It's a bit much. Isn't that a garlic base? I think there's worse things than barbecue pizza, man. Yeah, put pedophiles in there.

Why's that on his mind? Pedophiles. Tom, they're not, it's not going in. Also, Tom, just don't buy it and eat it. Yeah, yeah. Stop being force-fed barbecue-based pizza. That's your problem. Force-feeding, put that in.

Yeah, there you go. Good one. Imagine if someone messaged you and went, I've been force fed barbecue based pizza. That's your problem. Force feeding, put that in. Yeah. There you go. Good one. Imagine if someone messaged you and went, force feeding, think it's awful. Jack Tyson says, room 102 fitted exhaust that pop and crackle.

Let's be honest, it's nice on a super car, but when it's a VW Golf Polo or a battered BMW, it's just a bit sad, isn't it? We're not looking back as we're impressed. We're laughing at what a numpty you look. Also pisses me right off here in one flying about at 2 a.m. It's just losers, mate. I think even on super cars, what's the point?

It sounds like something's wrong with the engine. It's for losers. It's for kids. The quieter the better. Oh, look at me go! I would love it if the exhaust did that. Don't get sports in a scout. Someone in this room's got a really loud exhaust in their car. Because his car is shit. Carl, you can hear coming from a fucking mile away. Is that because it's broken or there's a hole in it or it's souped up? I've just got a sports exhaust on my car. It's not like this. It's not what

he's talking about though, is it? No, it doesn't pop on. No, there's no, there's no, this, it's not what he's talking about though is it? No it doesn't pop on badly. It's not like a... No there's an... There's an emex in the boot no. What is that? What car is it Carl? It's an Audi. Oh that's cute. It's a Cunz Carly.

It's a fucking gorgeous car. It's a sweet piece of kit is it? It's a tire killer. It's loudly. But it's not like what he's talking about. Why do you like it loud just so everyone looks around and goes, yeah boy. I have to roll the window down just talking to you, yeah boy. I'm not for me that. That's me boy.

Yeah boy. No, it just comes with a loud exhaust. Okay, because it's a powerful engine. What engine is it? Like I know. It's a metal one, is it? 450. Metal fuel one. 450 brake horsepower. Zero to 64.2 seconds. What later?

Two and a half. Two and a half later. Turbocharged. Absolutely bomb in the end. Is it diesel? Petrol and it costs five million pounds a day on petrol. Julie, why are you? Do you want to buy it?

It sounds like you don't know anything about cars, but you... One careful owner. Oh, has he got wheels, bro? Literally one careful owner, that's me. Sorry, I like my loud car. It's not that loud, I don't think... Can you drive me home? But that's the point, innit?

Jack's saying, fine. It's the ones where it's just like a Vauxhall Nova and they're... Yeah, the poppy, yeah. Like a Militech exhaust, they're expensive, they do that. Sure, that sounds like a good thing. I mean, it is possible if it's a really nice car but it's just why the noise you're not a carsman you don't have a car i have a car yeah all right okay my idea of london is that i like my car but my car's quiet it's a bike It's one of those red and yellow ones that you run with your feet. Fisher price.

Man's like a two litre diesel. Okay. Class. These Defo go in. It's such an easy in. Yeah. If you're like retrofitting into a shitty car. Yeah.

And when you're in the car park and you hear one coming up the fucking. And then a fucking. Do you think I'm too old to get one? Yeah. Yeah. You know, cuz you're an adult No, I just feel like kids can drive it is it is something I would like to do once I pay Yeah, yeah, you're such a fucking It is something I'd like to do do it. Why wait till you pay the mortgage off? No, I think I'm just trying to be so good could wait I get up for the cart of bright orange

Citron Picasso and soup it up. Picasso? Yeah, like an actual, cause I am a dad. So I've got to, you know, we've got to go down to the softball game. That's full sail, you can have that. That's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause it's like a family car.

Yeah, like doing it in that, so that I hear it coming, I'm like, what kind of cunts this? And then it's a Citroen Picasso. A Vauxhall Zafira with that. Just turn up at the kids' boxing. We ain't got me nowhere. Everyone on the table going, yeah boy.

Going nowhere. So I have a fucking putting green in the back because exhibits on it. We has put anando's in the glove compartment. Yeah boy. I'm not against it, you know. It'd be a great way to waste 50 grand. 50 grand on a Citroen Picasso?

I'm not spending 50 grand on it's what I'm doing to it I'll shoot it off okay big boy is it big bore or big boy bore it out and big boys sports you got a big boy that thing out yeah yeah boy putting green cocktail bar the lot my having a stroke or is it dead off in here it's called down a little bit it is awesome here but don't think being hot is a symptom of having a stroke. I think that's when your face. I'm fine on the office. Yeah. And the biggest issue is that she's on fire. I think if you don't fire up like, oh, we don't have a stroke.

Yeah. It wasn't about sitting in a room where the centrally has been left on. Are you having a fire in your head? Turn the heating off. The first signs. Dave, Robin. That is, wait, that one's going in, isn't it, Sean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because you're all squares, mate. Wait till I've got my bright orange Citroen Picasso.

If you get an actual like, decent to good car with a thing like that on, I'm not podcasting. LED lighting underneath. That'll be the start of Adam and Carl's fun house, that means. like decent to good car with a thing like that. I'm not podcasting. I'm here. LED lighting underneath. Get a start of Adam and Carl's fun. How's that mean? Just a matter of time. LED wouldn't work.

Dave Roberts says, all right, lids, room 102 suggestion, going to a restaurant like Nando's or Pizza Hut where you have a drinks machine to refill your drinks, but the only drinks that they offer are the sugar-free options. I'm an adult. Let me have a sugary drink if I choose to.

Matt, he's doing this, aren't you? You should, I should be allowed to put whatever I want in my body. They've ruined everything with this. Oh, everyone's fat. Well, let me be fat if I wanna be fat. Like, don't take the option away. I should be allowed to have full fat sugary Coke.

I should be allowed to have the original orange Lucasade recipe. I should be allowed to have whatever fat sugary coke. I should be allowed to have the original orange Lucas aid recipe. I should be allowed to have whatever I want. Turkey Twizzlers should be available from street cabins. It's all fucked and it's so fucking patronizing and baby and it's big governments and it's annoying. Shout out India. Shout out India who can't, who can't fucking the foods a bit mental, but the drink selection, oh, that's some rich sugary shit. The mango juice is more. But are they doing it for the health reasons, do you think? Yeah, but it's Maccy D's, man.

It's sugar tax, it's Maccy's, isn't it? What are we doing? Doing sugar free and then you're having fucking four Big Macs. I didn't even know they do that. There's no sugar in Big Macs though, is there? No, I know, but it's all fattening and all bad for you. I always take my burgers with two sugars. Can I just have a cup of sugars, please?

I want every restaurant to get on the same vibe that like Five Guys is on, where they have the big dispenser and you can choose any combination of any flavor, of any drink. Another bad thing with that though is, sometimes you go into Five Guys and you click choose any combination of any flavor of any drink. It's got another bad thing with that though is sometimes you go into five guys and you click on that and you because you've built it up because that's part of the five guys experience. That's part of why you go and pay fucking nine quid for the burger is the fact that you know that they've

got all the vanilla diet coke and then you go on it sometimes and it's like we've only got diet coke with lime in that okay like the rest of the machines off and the expectation to reality is horrific so what five guys need to upkeep that so that all options are always available because when they don't have stuff on it because they've fucked it it's rarely disappointing yeah it would be better if it was just the shitty Nando's four options. Yeah. Also don't get ice because they come out of a chilled drinks machine. I know a bit of ice is nice though. Yeah, but I've worked in bars. No one ever cleans ice machines ever. Oh really?

They're all fucking disgusting. Dirty. Yeah. So just it comes cooled anyway and you're getting less drinkers. There's ice in it. Just don't put ice in it. There's Carl's big tip. But it's refillable. Yeah, yeah, but you have to refill it more because your glasses are empty Well, the glasses are for Spends a you look at it Liam Davis says people that do happy birthday posts on social media for younger relatives

Your four-year-old isn't gonna see you hoping they have a lovely day. Just say it to their face, ridiculous behavior. Hate joy. People just hate joy, yeah. It's not for them. It's for everyone else to go, hey, it's me kids, Bertie. Go and get them some fucking scale X-Rex. Yeah.

If it's 1989. That's what it's been said. All the time trouble. Get them Subutio like you want. Get them an iPad. No, it is for other people to go, aw, I hope he's been saying. All the time trouble. Get him Shibutio like you want. Get him an iPad. No, it is for other people to go, oh, I hope he's having a good day. Inbox me, babe, I haven't seen you since last Tuesday.

So it is pointless bollocks. No, it's not, it's just sharing the fact that it's your kid's birthday, isn't it? Right. What's the sort of rules on that? Is it any relative? Yeah, oh, my little nan, 114 she is. Kind of a scale-at-tricks. Have you seen those memes, the videos, I'm looking at a little man 114 years kind of scale at tricks

Have you seen those mean the videos means that going around where they ask people in care homes What advice they'd have for dating? I think that's your algorithm That's your algorithm final boss One says like don't bother the ones like just enjoy as much time enjoyed Cock as possible next ones, just kill me. I want to end it now. Has anyone, no one's saying that? Why have they made that sign?

What? Why have they made that sign for us? Cause someone's, someone's given her a, no, no, they don't give them the kill me now, end it sign. Which one do you want? They don't go into an old people's home with like, suck loads of cocks. They give them a whiteboard and they, they write it down.

They ask them what their what their advice is. And what's the usual advice? You know, like, just fuck everything. Oh shit. Yeah. Holy. Old people's homes are basically just big gang bang sentences. You know what I just said?

Old women are whores. Yeah. What? All of them. All of your nests. Don't they love it though? Yeah, they love it. They get to a point where they're like, oh, I'm going to be dead soon. I need to look, like get me body count up. That's why.

Put it in me. That's why I want someone to fuck with. Because God's embarrassed. That's six. Fucking hell. Bad baffling either. Do you want a second go? Dave Stott says, room 102, anyone who pays at the counter, despite not needing to pay there

when self-service checkouts are available, leave it for people who need nicotine fags or scratch cards, you melt. No, sometimes I want the human interaction. Yeah, same, it's easier as well, isn't it? There's always an issue anyway with self-service. If I've got more than a basket full of big basket, I might do it. Yeah, man.

I don't want to go bleh, oh, screw me the shampoo's not getting wet. What I will say though is, and we talked about this at the airport when we were getting money changed from Indian money to Dubai money on the way home from India. From Indian money to cocaine. Should not have done that in Dubai by the way. Oh, I got absolute twat taxed on that. The exchange rate was mingled. Oh, you got pounds, didn't you? Yeah.

That didn't make any sense. You lost seven quid on that transaction. No, I lost loads. 14. Jack lost a hundred quid. Really, yeah? Yeah, it was mingled. We just got diddums and spent them there.

I didn't want anything from Dubai Airport though. That's why you got four, because they've changed it twice. Right. Still the markup was remarkable. Like it was horrific. It would have been best to get the items and then spent it in Dubai Airport. You've got pounds in it. No no, Carl, that isn't better is it? Because then I've got no money from the rupees. I didn't want anything in Dubai Airport. Can't you just use your debit card there? What? Can't you just use your debit card there? What? Can't you just use your card?

We had rupees for India because a lot of the places we were in the countryside and they didn't have anything. Ah no card. Very generous ambitious phrasing. I had no money from the rupees. So we had some money and changed it in Dubai Airport. I just don't, it's not good. Chief's triangle.

Right, what were we saying then? Chief's triangle. Oh yeah, you were saying that everybody does everything slower than me. Ha ha, people in front of me in any queue take about four times as long as I do. There was a fella in front of us. So we got to the like currency exchange bit

and there was two people getting served. There was a fella in front of us and he took, I reckon, 15 minutes. Yeah. How? What's he doing? Do you and even talking to each other? Pulling notes out of his underpants.

He was just getting served. Took him about 15 minutes. There was a girl next to us, right, as well, who was there when we got there as well. She, that fella took 15 minutes and then we both went to the counter. I got my money changed, Carl got his money changed. That all took about six or seven minutes in total.

So for both of us to get done, it took half the time he got done on his own. And by the time we left, the fucking woman was still being safe, like getting the money changed. If I go to a cash point, I'm convinced people are playing like FIFA on the fucking thing.

They must be because people at cash points, they take about an hour and a half and then they walk away with a tenner. Check your balance. Oh my God. People just need to worry up. No one's in a rush. This all broke my toe by the way, cause it was a stupid old cunt who was in my way. I tried to overtake her and fucking volleyed the stairs. I love that. I love that race to passport control. Oh, I'm good at that mate. It's so good. I like the Grand National. It is quality. Just to be slightly ahead of four people at passport control and then maybe get your bags. It's quicker nowadays though, isn't it?

Manchester, British. It's all like biometrics. Dubai is good in it as well. Yeah, I tell you why it's not India. They really want to check why you're visiting. Oh, yeah. Passport like a spot said, but in past said, I've just showed it to you. Visa, the visa, you have to look in the camera and you have to check it again. And then look in the camera. It was made harder because Jack Finnegan was registered as a female. That made it difficult because he's listening. I'll say a lot about Jack and again, but he's definitely not a female and the Indian guy at border control. He knew that, but it was like how much do you think everyone wants to get in India? Like, I know we were trying to get in India, but they take it from us.

If they're at the airport quite badly, I think. But they were like, listen, we need to go through this. I was like, I don't want to live in it. No one can take it or leave it. I want to definitely not trying to stick around. From us getting to the airport was getting on the plane, they checked our passports eight to 10 times. Easy. It was insane.

Like different people going, can we see you? Like, why? Someone said you're pictures boss. Just trying to validate their jobs as well probably. Yeah, probably because there's loads of them. Yeah. By the way, Dan thinks they're all married. All Indians.

What do you mean? There's 1.7 billion of them them which is an insane amount of people. No Carl I am contradicting your point you think India is one big national fuckfest you're like there's 1.7 billion they're all you basically at one point were like they're all conceived at gang banks. No they all must be fucking all of the time. Right. 1.7 billion of anything. But it's not like that happened in two years. No, but it's gradually. It wasn't like 100,000 of them in like the start of COVID. Then they just all fucked.

Yeah, but he thinks they're all married. If they got... Yeah, I think there's a real culture of marriage and having families. There's a lot of arranged marriages and... But there's also arranged gang bangs. Yeah. Yeah, you can't... Spontaneous gang bangs are hard.

Very rare, spontaneous gang bangs. Yeah. Yeah. You can't. It's a very rare spontaneous gangbang. Justin Nando's like we should all fuck. I don't know. I think they're all fucking me. There's so many. There definitely are a lot though. Yeah. There's loads of them. A lot of banging going on. Yeah. Yeah. But in usually in marriages. Probably less condoms maybe. Yeah. We thought they sold condoms on the side of road with little tea bags. Shit man, you get a few people pregnant by accident. So I've got seven kids now. Tell you what though, I am fucking...

What's the upside of Parch? Benched. Fully hydrated. You hydrated side. Yeah. Yeah I know that's a podcast ladies and gents Julian it's been class to have you in Thanks for having me. You're on the internet. I am at Julian Dean comedian Instagram with an a RT vi Dean's got an e on the end D E A N E Julie at Julian Dean comedian. You love doing that though. Get a couple of followers. Get on the tour boys and girls and trans. You're not banning trans anymore now. No, no, no, no, no, no

anymore. You've opened up. We've come to an agreement. You're all welcome. No matter what you do in the bedroom. Come on. All the kids can make a plan if you want. I'm going to show barbecue pizza. I'm telling you right now, we need to end this podcast. Have you got any tunes? Yes, we've got a tune. It's not Indian. This is, um, from Bailey Dowling who supported me and at my gig at the Jack Baltic. She's supporting you. He supported me. It's called not turning back and it is his debut single. Oh, good luck to you Bailey. Over to Adam. Sounds good. Bailey Dowling. What's his name? Bailey Dowling. Bailey. Hello guys. I'm Bailey Dowling. This is my debut singer. It's not turning back. It's really good. I just heard Julian

have the biggest track of that book. Love you. Good bye. Love you. Would you risk it all To walk away with something Whenever you're on my mind Cause I'm not turning back I'm not turning back for you Cause I'm not turning back I'm not turning back, I'm not turning back for you And I used to love you, take a toll on me It couldn't have been any clearer, you know I'm blind baby And darling I used to love you

Take a toll on me It couldn't have been any clearer You know I'm blind baby Each strain in a silly situation I'm bad out of every club in town I guess you are used to the occasion And that's why I'll smile while you are down cuz I'm not turning back, I'm not turning back for you

no I'm not turning back, and I turn it back for you And I used to love you, take a toll on me It couldn't have been any clearer You know I'm blind, baby And darling, I used to love you Take a toll on me It couldn't have been any clearer You know I'm blind baby

Cause I'm not turning back, I'm not turning back for you Cause I'm not turning back I'm not turning back for you Cause I'm not turning back I'm not turning back for you Cause I'm not turning back I'm not turning back, I'm not turning back for you that this episode is sponsored by HelloFresh. And if you go to hellofresh.co.uk slash have a word 60, you will get 60% off your first box, 20% off the next two months,

and free desserts for life just like this one right here. So what is HelloFresh? Why don't you educate some people Dan? This is a bit of me this. I am lazy. I don't really know my way around the kitchen. I don't know what food is. If you've watched Have A Word You Know, I'm a proper mu don't really know my way around the kitchen, I don't know what food is, if you've watched Have A Word You Know, I'm a proper muppet when it comes to

this stuff. Essentially, everything you need in a healthy, easy to make meal is delivered in a box. You get the recipe, you get all the ingredients, you become a chef in a really efficient way and then get a delicious, tasty, fresh meal. You can go onto the website every single week and select what meals you want to be delivered for that week. They come in individual bags so like meal one will have a big label of one on and all of the ingredients for that meal is in that bag. You don't have to measure anything out. The recipe is there for you to follow and then meal two will be in

bag number two, meal three will be in bag number three and right now if you go to hellofresh.co.uk slash have a word 60, the unique code is have a word six zero, 60% off your first box, 20% off the next two months and free desserts for life. If you're lazy or if you want to just get into cooking and you're worried about portion sizes, HelloFresh has got you covered and it's in a nutritious, healthy way. Go and get yourself sorted now. It'll help you over Christmas when everyone's shocker. That's gorgeous. I'm into this. I think I'm going to be eating healthier. Shut up.

HelloFresh. What's happening lids? Time to tell you yet again about our OG Day One sponsor, Manscaped.com. Promo code word20 for 20% off everything and free worldwide ship. And what are we focusing on this week? It's the Chairman Pro and right now the Chairman Pro package is available and you can get this, which is an electric foil shaver for your fierce lake. And you can also get the aftershave serum and the shaving gel to go along with it. And that is on top of all the other brilliant products

that they do, like. Oh, we've got the Lawn Mower Pro and all the kits with everything they do. It's the best thing you can buy a man for Christmas. Christmas is coming, stop buying men crappy presents. Go to Manscape, up their ball game, up their faith game. Christmas is coming, your Goudge is getting hairy. Get one of these for your ugly Aunt Mary or your uncle

spas mate man scaped. Word 20 promo codes word 20 20% off so you can get the perfect Christmas present for the man 20% cheaper than all them mugs out there that don't listen to the pod. How much is the shipping? Free mate. Worldwide lads. What? Send it to Botswana if you want. Shave their balls. That's fair. Is that where Auntie Mary is?

Botswana? I don't know. Man's a goat.