Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #306 with Paul Smith - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: December 9, 2024

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our brand new website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word: Murderers Row | https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/have-a-word-the-live-podcast-tickets/artist/5406541Comedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it and I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lids before we start this week's episode of the have a word podcast, do us a favor and make sure you're following us on all social media. We are at Have A Weird Pod on Twitter, Instagram and TikTok. And on top of that, don't forget to go and subscribe to the Patreon page, patreon.com

slash have a weird pod, early access to these episodes, an extra episode just for you lot every single week on Patreon. And don't forget those monthly specials of which there are 40 plus now. They're basically a movie every single month. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Enjoy the episode, it's a belter. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast

in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only half hour. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomer. Go Ed, get on me. Hello. Hello. How are you? I'm all right. You've come in, um, dressed. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I feel like my Nana would be into the design. What do you mean? No, I'm just, I just don't think my Nana made that jump at all. I don't listen. I don't, I'm not sure you've got a full grasp of it, but this is class by the way. I put this on me and I'm sorry before and I've had about three, four hundred women in the main box immediately just being like... I think I made that. Yeah. Right. Are they all over 70?

Okay. But you understand it's a lot. It's fair. You can't put that on and go, no one's going to notice. Just for the audio listeners. You're the man in a backwards cap of 43 years of age. Let's see. Yeah. Yeah. You wear backwards caps though. I do yeah. I'm not 43. No you're not. But you'll still wear backwards caps at 43. I probably won't. Do you think?

No I think you should grow. You'll be a new woman by then. By the time you're 43 I cannot imagine what you're going to be waltzing in here with. It's going to be. It's called having drip. I don't think it is. It's called having drip. I think it's a waterfall of, of, of, it's not Christmasy, but it feels it done it to me. That's Christmasy, but it's not. It's just the pattern. Isn't it? It's cause there's a lot going on. Yeah. It's gorgeous. I think it's beautiful. Which

charity shop did you get it from? Your Mars pussy.com. Oh yeah. She's got online. It's gorgeous. I think it's beautiful. Which charity shop did you get it from? Your Mars pussy.com. Oh yeah. She's got online. She's gone online. She's so modern. Online charity shop. What online chat? Are they real? He said.com. I know. I just thought they don't sell stuff online, but you can just go to that online and book into fucker. They exist. Oh, and then you get a free gay jumper. Rocks Fam sells stuff. Oh, nice. You're gonna look stupid when this episode goes out

and everyone's like, say this is the perfect example of Dan's lack of fashion sense. I love your shoes. Yeah. Show him your shoes. Wow. This ain't the good stuff.

For the audio, we should have the cherry docks on. Yeah, they're nice. They're all right. It's not the problem. We saw the cherry docks on Yeah, nice. All right It's not the problem. Oh shit. It's not the issue. I'll explain to you I see the little bits of burgundy and red in this jumper. Mmm, they set the shoes off don't they? They do and the swan what the sw Sets the white pants off. Sets the white pants off. I'm expressing myself. Hey, audio listeners, just check it out. You decide. It's a lot.

It's interesting. It's nice. I like how you say it. Hey, if you are an audio listener, will you do us a favor? Because we've got fucking tens of thousands of you. Will you go over to YouTube and subscribe to the YouTube? Even if you say it. Hey, if you are an audio listener, will you do us a favor? Cause we've got fucking tens of thousands of you. Will you go over to YouTube and subscribe to the YouTube? Even if you never watch it on YouTube,

do us a favor, cause we're so close to a hundred thousand subscribers and so much of the lid army just listens. Go over onto YouTube and subscribe and then never go back on YouTube. That's fine. Like, comment, share. Just subscribe. I just want to hit that hundred K

so he can afford more jumpers. Do we get a plaque? We do get a plaque? That's going to be a moment, isn't it? Who does that get delivered by? It's the post. I feel like the moment's passed because we're so far... It's not Mr. Tube. On everything else, YouTube's lagging behind that much.

I think it will be like a moment. I disagree. I think it can snowball. The more subscribers you've got, the more likely you are to get more because they push you to more people and 100k is when they really start pushing you hey you want the 100k i do yeah yes exactly we feel bigger than that already a bit more three years ago because we were so much bigger than 100k aren't we

right i really feel we're undermining the point i'm trying to make with audio listeners just go over to youtube and subscribe i'm not asked i mean i'm not asked don't fucking money about it he's got that jumper he's completed life it's fine we're fucking sorted nice year mate thank you it's from Giacomo. Is it? Yeah. Class. I'm at that sort of age and size. They've changed the game, haven't they? They're not just, they sell Ralph Lauren stuff, no. Do they? It's more like a shop. Oh, can I just say? They're not just for the fatties no more.

The worst bit of Cheshire Oaks by a fucking mile is Ralph Lauren Castle. Like, I kind of like Cheshire Oaks, it's all right. But they've got their own fucking massive house in the middle of Cheshire Oaks. Who's going Ralph Lauren? I like Ralph Lauren. I love Ralph Lauren. Oh, is it? He's literally wearing one of their tops right now. Did you get it from the big house in Cheshire Oaks?

And it's Ralph Lauren, by the way. It's a very common misconception. Ralph Lauren. He's an American contender. Is it? Yeah. I didn't know that. Do you watch Friends?

Rachel works for Ralph Lauren. And it was, he's in an episode. And it's the definition of early doors. It's not a guy though. Like I know it is a guy. It's the same with Calvin Klein. Have you seen him? It's not a fella.

Yeah, it's not a fella though. It's a thing. Ralph Lauren is a midget who fucks, by the way. What is a man? It's five ounces, a man! Is that an Adam's make up? I don't know, you said Ralph Lauren is a midget that fucks. I'm so used to hearing that sort of stuff.

By the way, I don't mean that word in the offensive way, to mean like a little person. I mean, he's really really short but he's handsome really well navigated there I tell you what I don't think any of your detractors I think they'll be like what oh fair enough are you seeing him now he's five foot six that's a lovely swan he's five Rishi Sula so there you go he's one who doesn't fuck apart from his wife, you know? What? Rishi? He's 5'6". Oh Rishi. Dishi Rishi.

Dishi Rishi. That's also a lie. He's 4'9". But he looks taller than he is. Leader of the opposition. Oh, he's not anymore, is he? He's been replaced by my girl. Who? Badenoch. Yeah.

Who? Kemi Remi... Memi... Loic Remi. Loic Remi. Loic Remi. What's her name? Yeah, yeah.

Kemi Badenoch. Tell me he doesn't fuck, mate. What a picture in here. Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Remy, Look at this black on black cap that's now available. I think if you're Ralph Lauren and you own Ralph Lauren and you make all that absolute class stuff you don't wear anything else do you? You must get something. I think he doesn't want, you wouldn't wear it, it's like drug dealers. What did you go to gym in? You don't get high on your own supply. No that's not it, cause no one's getting addicted to Ralph Lauren jumpers.

You cause. I am. You smoke them. I ordered a Ralph Lauren cable in its quarter zip yesterday. So this slander from you. Listen, I just can't believe they've got their own house. It's just the biggest bit of Cheshire Oaks. It's fucking huge.

I never go there for ties. Is it? Yeah. Ties and shirts. I never go there, but. Is it? Yeah. Ties and shirts. Really? Yeah. I never go there, but if I do, I feel like the only thing I buy is a tie. They're good jumpers and they're good pants. No, not Ralph Lauren.

I mean, Chester Oaks. Oh, okay. Chester Oaks. Might as well be though. It is Chester Oaks, isn't it? You can't call it Ellesmere Port Oaks. That's gonna bomb, isn't it? Yeah.

Shout out Ellesmere Port. My blue planet aquarium. Yeah. It's going to bomb in it. Yeah. Shout out. Elsmer port blue planet aquarium. Yeah. I think of it's not a bad one. It's a belt. It's an all right aquarium. The aquarium. The real one it closed six months ago. There's an aquarium in real. No, the real sea aquarium. It closed because the seals were too cold. The real aquarium. Go stand on the beach and look over there. Say that again. Say that again. It closed because they said the seals were too cold. Ah! Can't be a fact.

That's the reason they gave. Closed rill. Seals live in the Arctic, I think he's pretty sure it'd be colder than real. Maybe they, maybe they were miserable. I don't know. They were African seals singers. That's sad. That one. I know. Everything's shut. Yeah. You need to move. No, I'm asking you to or telling you to as your employer, but it's expensive. You should probably move. It's expensive rent. You can't put a price on me. You're pissing money away with rent. Right. So you're going to buy in real? No. I'm going to keep saving.

I've got some savings. You pay a house off in cash if you save for like four months. What does your mom charge you any rent? I volunteer some contribution. Oh, bullshit. Monthly. Or do you just occasionally go, go on. And I've upped it recently because her hours have been decreased. Five. Is it? Did she work at the aquarium? Yeah. She was in charge of the sales. She was one of the whales. Get him out of the freezer. Oh, wow. I backed that. I backed Finn up. You backed that? No I didn't. That's a lie there. I backed Finn up again. I felt too real because we were talking about your natural mum. If I call Carl's mum away it's not like real, do you know what I mean?

It's a fact. Is it not? When you do the Carl's mum thing it's just a sort of generic mum. It's not actually... I say his mum, she isn't here. Yeah. So it's all. She's here in spirit. I think she's in this jumper somewhere. She loved Abe like. Jack, I think I'm going to start paying keep. What? When would you make them start paying keep?

How old would they have to be? For a while, you know, August next year. Are you thought about this though? Because genuinely, like your generation all moved out when you were like 14 and got flat and that didn't you? Yeah, we did. I was working in a mine. So.

Our generation stayed in their parents' house till late 20s, early 30s, a lot of them. Your kids might be like stepbrothers level, genuinely. If it keeps going the way it is. You might still have Esser and Jack when they're like 45. Jack could be older than you before he moves out. Yeah. Have you thought about that though? Because that is the way the world's going.

It's getting more and more. They're going to be at least 35. Oh God. Jack's going to be some kind of like, I don't know, accountant coming home going, dad, I've shit myself again. And then you're like, me too. I'm 95. What is it about accountancy that makes you shit yourself?

It's just in confidence. Tax season. She's got to the age. Tax season? Yes, boys, tax season. Not again. I mean, there's a weird balance with kids where you love them to bits and you want them to stay around forever and also, you would like them to fuck off. Yeah.

I find that with most people though, really. Right. Yeah. But most people, you know, don't live in my house and wake me up and make it look like a shit hole all the time. As much as I do love them, they are a lot. There's part of me thinks it would be nice for them to stick around, but at the same time-

Like, it's entirely possible Jack will be older than I am now and still living with you and Laura. How old will that make Dan? How old are you? 43. I'll be 73. They can have the garden office. Jack's on there shadow boxing getting ready for the event. What's coming up?

He's a world champion boxer. Still living at home over you and Laura. Come on, you're in a counter now. Nevermind, these numbers need beating me. And shadow wanking in the bathroom. Cause if my dick doesn't work anymore. Shadow wanking. He goes to bed every night.

His dick hasn't worked in 10 years, but he still does it. Watch his porn, doesn't do anything. Yeah, I mean, I would like them to fuck off at a normal age, eh? But the chances are they go to uni and then just come back. That's the thing, innit? That's what I didn't do. Once I was out, I was out.

I think the next generation, which is their generation, might be the start of people not going to uni. I was talking about this with my mum the other day. Because education's becoming less valued because you can learn everything on the internet for basically free. And also people who get even good degrees aren't using those degrees for the jobs they end up getting.

In fact, I think there's gonna be a massive shift in their sort of, Etta might just miss it and she might go, but there's every chance Jack doesn't go to uni because he's better off not going. It depends on your field. There's going to be a turning point. It will be about that. That's half a generation.

There's a tipping point where we went to uni when they tripled the fees and people went I'm not going then. That could happen. Yeah. Especially because a lot of degrees aren't vocational, aren't they? They just pick a subject. I wouldn't recommend going to uni as someone who's been, even though one is a mature student, Especially because a lot of degrees aren't vocational, aren't they? They just pick a subject and just study that subject. As someone who's been, even though when I was a mature student, I wouldn't recommend

going to uni even now, unless it's like, you know, exactly what you want and you're driven for it. Oh, I would absolutely recommend going to uni. Just to think about who you are. I live in Preston and went, oh my God, I need to get out of Preston. You know, I liked growing up in Preston. It was sound. But by the time I got to 18, God, I need to get out of Preston. You know, I liked growing up in Preston. It was sound. But by the time I got to 18, 19, I wanted out.

You lived in Liverpool. So you got to go, well, I'm going to go to uni and still live here. Like if you want to see something else. Yeah, but that's not move city then? Yeah, but that's nowhere near as good as it. Moving city at 18 and getting a job where you're in a work environment

with loads of people who already live there. Some of them are older, got family kids, you get dumped in a place, I've said this before, you get dumped in a place with another 3,000 people who don't know anyone and you get lent money by the government, it's fucking great. But what was your tuition fees? Like seven shillings and a thrifty bit? I could feel it when he was like, he was like... F***ing slag off my jumper lads. F***ing cool for you. A Thripny bit. A Thripny bit. You're a Thripny bit short. How much was your uni fees?

Grand. So it's about to go up to basically 10 per year. Super. And that's for every degree. That's not just for the good ones. For Etta to go and do interpretive dance. Yeah. 30 grand.

Like media studies, which is the most derided one, isn't it? Like, derisory. Derided, the words. Derided, yeah. It's going to be 30 grand to complete it. Plus living expenses. How can that possibly be like a good idea? It's 60 grand in it when you add in expenses.

I'm 60 grand in that and I can read the newspaper now. By the way, if you want to be a doctor, I'd probably stick with the uni route. You know, there are, if you're driven, don't go, I'll just want to go to uni. I'll go and do, don't turn up at a hospital going, I've got the internet. I've learned everything. Give us a go. Give us a knife. Then that's still nothing on America, is it? No, but that's where we're probably headed eventually. Like we're always, like I say about comedy and stuff

and our industry, but the UK follows America's footsteps. We're just like probably a full generation behind it. And healthcare is getting more and more privatized. Even under Labour, they're still privatizing parts of it. People are still now getting NHS appointments at private hospitals. And that's one step in the direction towards, hey why don't you just give us you know 100 quid a month and then you get a slightly better thingy and loads of people will do it and then that becomes the norm and then it becomes thousands and then eventually it that will

probably skip everyone in this room's lifetime but I think in a hundred years that we'll probably be on an insurance based healthcare system in the UK because it's just slowly being eroded anyway. And I mean, there is a lot of people on insurance based healthcare already, isn't it? But when it, when it becomes the norm, God, I hope that labor governments particularly fight for that. Isn't the way to fix you need to make it more difficult to get in. Don't up the price because that is exclusionary, but making it like, that's the way to fix uni to make it more difficult to get in? Don't up the price because that is exclusionary, but making it like what it used to be. That's the way it was, isn't it? Everybody can go to uni. You can't fix uni because it's an industry, isn't it? It's an industry that people are

making money from and people want to buy into. You can't fix it because like you'd have to ban Manchester Met Uni. Like how? Just make it more difficult to go there. No, but why? No, why would the university? No, no, no, obviously why would they do that? But I'm saying to- So you want a state controlled university system. You need to gain qualification by being good

at what you do rather than going, I'll just pay 30 grand, which is obviously a business, I understand. But all of what you're saying just exists, doesn't it? Not really, no. Yeah, yeah. Good uni still go. You have to have these grades.

Nowhere near as probably when you went to uni. No, no, no. Exactly the same. The top uni is still exactly the same. The top uni's are doing exactly the same. If anything, they're harder to get into. I think because more people are trying. And they've got quotas that they didn't have before.

Oxford and Cambridge was just, I mean, historically has just been where the aristocracy have sent their children to educate them. And they've got quotas that they didn't have before. Oxford and Cambridge was just, I mean historically, it's just been where the aristocracy have sent their children to educate them. So they're in a position of power and they make connections and like it's harder to get into those, those unis I would suggest. And it's important that we don't sort of,

which I think was what you were doing at the start of this when you said you would advise going, like don't devalue the experience you get from it. That's fucking amazing. Because you went a bit older. Yeah, and I still love that experience. But like he went and did it like a fucking student does it and had three or four years of fucking debauchery and like I did that.

We didn't go to uni. Yeah, yeah, you can do that. You just get the loan and then fuck off and share it with your mates. I get the point though. It would be it with your mates. I get the point though. It would be annoying if Etta was like, I'm going to need 120 grand here to go to uni. And then she finishes that degree, comes back home and applies for a job that she didn't need a degree for. That's where, how much is that experience worth? Because mine was immense. I don't know if I would

have found standup in Preston because we didn't have a comedy club. It was being in Newcastle that got me into a comedy club and also the people you meet and just like it's, that was hugely important as well. Yeah. But what you just said is the reality for so many people, so many people that I went to uni with, that is the thing. We all did journalism for three years and then because there's so many people, there aren't that many jobs. So they get to the end of it. I was fucking, before I got this,

I applied for a job at Heron Foods and got rejected. Oh. To do that media. To do that media. First person we hired. It was a Heron reject. I've seen what's happened with journalism though. People with followers are getting jobs over people with.

So if you've got 20,000 Twitter followers or Instagram, you're getting put above somebody with an actual fucking journalism. And that's happening in comedy clubs in America. So bad. They're starting to have TikTokers headline comedy clubs and filling the bill with standups and the standups are fucking mad, like they always do.

And the TikTokers are going on the end and bombing, doing an hour. But that's the comedy clubs are like. That's where their comedy clubs are a bit mental, aren't they? Cause they're, the touring culture is intertwined much more Because the comedy clubs are like... That's where their comedy clubs are a bit mental, aren't they? Because their touring culture is intertwined much more with the comedy clubs. That wouldn't happen over here. The Glee or the Comedy Store aren't going to go, yeah, he's not a headliner, but he's got Twitter followers or TikTok followers.

Ten years, man. It's not happened at all. I remember seeing a couple of times in Hot Water, it was like, oh, he's just got a famous video and now he's on. You shouldn't be on. And he's poo. I saw it like a handful of times. Oh, me and Adam have discussed this before, but I think it's such a huge shift for British comedy clubs to change how they sell their tickets.

It's already happening. Like we disagree on this, but it's already happening. It's not happening on a weekend bill though, is it? Like they're not giving touring level fees to a headliner and then paying the supports less. Not yet in the weekend comedy clubs, no, but weekend comedy clubs, if you look at the lineups, the bills are often, and no offense, abysmal. There's comedy clubs that I've seen recently where I'm like, none of them are capable of closing.

And it's because a lot of the people who are capable of closing are now touring. But that's the argument I make. That's on my side of the argument. Yeah, it is. Because I think touring comics, as soon as you can sell tickets to your own show, you're gone off the circuit,

which leaves a dearth of talent in, not that there isn't some fucking brilliant circuit comics, by the way. But what I'm saying is, is eventually those weaker bills will mean people stop going to comedy clubs and in order to get the audience back for weekend comedy clubs, comedy clubs will start paying people on the lower end of that touring spectrum who can bring people in and are capable of closing, to closing the bills and to do that they'll have to give them money

where it would compete with them doing their own tour show in a little art center down the road and that's the next step. So that's the step that I don't think is gonna happen. So I like I understand so how this change this change is a foot I get it if you've got a social media influence you've got more chance of getting in the door or whatever I know promoters some some do think like that but that jump that you've just made is a huge jump. Because I know that I've been mates with the Frog for years, the Frog and Bucket in Manchester, they haven't got the money to pay a support bill and give a headliner a thousand pounds.

No, they won't. The support money will go through the floor. Well, they're already on, I mean... It'll be 30 quid. Right. And the headliner will get a grand. It'll be 30 quid. And the headline, it'll get a grand. Just put a tour show on. That's so bleak.

You know what I mean? But okay, so what will the comedy clubs do? Let's just say I'm right because it is already happening. Let's say comedy clubs start losing audience because there's only a finite amount of people who want to go out and see comedy. That number exists. We don't know what it is, but there's a finite amount of people who this weekend in Liverpool, Manchester or Pickett City are going to see our comedy show, right? And there's more and more touring acts drawing those tickets. I totally agree with that.

So when that keeps going that way and more and more people are touring and more and more people are leaving comedy clubs and going to smaller places to go and see the guy off their phone. When comedy clubs reach their sort of below break even point and they're not selling enough tickets to sustain their weaker bills because every good actor is fucked off and started to try and sell tickets. What is their move? Cause that's why I think I'm right is it will reach a point where they'll go, well, we've got to get them in to start selling tickets again because they can't just keep going with weaker bills until they do it.

And my point is, if you can sell tickets, why would you let a comedy club give you a worse deal and put support acts on before you? I know that's the American style, but that's so entrenched in the culture of live standup. Because I think the comedy clubs will take a bit of a burden of the promotion of it.

So whereas like I could put a tour show on in, let's say the Epstein theater, 350 seats or whatever it is. And Hot Water is a bad example because I do think Hot Water are a big enough name. I think actually the comedy store in London might be a big enough name to survive this. But because they're brands in their own right,

okay, let's say Manchester. So you've got that Dance House Theater, which is 400 tickets and the Frog is what, 250 say? Yeah. Something like that. So if the Frog can come to me and go, you don't have to promote it, we'll promote that Adam Rowe is at our club.

Yeah. And we'll give you 60, 70% of the door. Instead of you going to the dance house and having to do all the promotion yourself and getting 70% of the door there, why don't you come and do three nights here for us? And then next year, then that's when you put a proper tour show.

Oh, I can see the reasoning of it. So I think them taking a chunk of the, and promoting it the way they currently do, but having a name to sell it on will benefit them. And it will mean the act doesn't have to be constantly tweeting and hitting their own mailing list going, hey, I'm at the Frog and Booker this weekend. Which, as long as those acts can build up their following

and sell tickets on their own, that jump when it first happens, when I see a comedy club do that, I will be gobsmacked. That is, like, I remember talking to Freddie about this four years ago and he was like, it's five years away, it's 10 years away. And you're like, yeah, well, we're four years down the line and it is not, it has not happened. It is going to be a colossal, like culture shift in comedy clubs when they switch to that model.

But so, and it will devastate the circuit. It's bleak for the time. It will devastate the circuit. But you say it hasn't happened, but I think the first iteration of it has, because five or 10 years ago, let's say seven, right? Before like, like before COVID was even an idea. And you know, where a lot of this online content came from,

where people got a lot of their fan bases from. Seven years ago, if Freddie, use Freddie as an example, and he's a promoter who runs gigs all over the country. If Freddie had a gig that he was running in Birmingham, he would go, right, I've got a grant for the bill, so I'm gonna pay 200, 200, 200, 200, and I'm gonna keep 200 from myself. Which is the standard 95% of the bills in comedy are booked like that.

Now Freddie goes 100, 150, 100, 500 quid to close. Not always. No, but like, but I mean, he specialises it for a big headline. That was happening back in the day, but it's a lot more now. Yeah. And that is a step towards what I'm talking about. And I'm telling you right now, if more independent promoters start doing that and if Freddie's doing it near Birmingham and Wayne Beasts is doing it near Birmingham and the Nightingale brothers are

doing it near Birmingham and Freddie's got, it's Paul and thingy isn't it? I didn't expect them to give a shout out. Andy and Paul, the Nightingales, they booked me because I had the surname Nightingale. They were just dead chuffed and it worked out. I've worked for them for years. I'm back there in a week. But they're really good promoters. But if they, let's say in five years time, and both of our profiles continue to grow with this,

let's say Freddie has got Josh Pugh on in one of the satellite towns of Birmingham and the Nightingales have got you on and Wayne Beas has got me on. There's no audience for the Glee. No, no, I see the reasoning. I see the reasoning. When a con... This is so like, I love this sort of stuff. But when the Frog, because you're right with the hot water. I mean, hot water have changed the game anyway and so many clubs have copied them. When a club changes their booking theory, that will be so seismic.

And listen, you're right, there is evidence that independent promoters, they do think differently now. There's always been headliner fees that are bigger. I remember the TV credits thing has been a bitching point on forums for years. But if the Frog do it, or Comedian in Brighton do it, oh my God, it's a huge change in how we do things. And I mean it, it will make the circuit a horrific place because it will mean that there's probably 300, 400 comics

making some sort of a living from stand-up in the UK at the moment. I mean, De decent pay the bills, that will go down to 50. Oh my God. What happens then? Because surely most of them have to get jobs like COVID. Yeah.

And then you lose. And then they all localize, which is what happens in the States. They don't travel, the support acts are in their little area. I do think something else could happen as well, which is, so the exceptions to this in the States are New York, LA and now Austin, right?

Because there's so many comics there. Yeah. So if it got to the point where there was so many comics in a lot of the towns and Liverpool might and London might be like this, it will just become the bills are stacked with people who could celebrate them on their own. Oh, London, London will never ever change to this model because they're, they already like for years they've been paying, I mean the good clubs, maybe not, but most clubs are like, oh, it's 100 quid because it's London. Cause they just, it's literally just an economy thing. And it's like supply and

demand. If you have like hundreds of comics in London who would much rather like Hal Crutenden, who was on one of our very first episodes that was filmed he famously was like the quadruple comic he could do four or five gigs in a night because he's smart and he's organized and he's everyone wants him so he'd do five gigs in a night but he'd be getting paid a hundred quid 80 quid 100 quid so over the course of the night he makes a decent living that it only could happen in London now Liverpool and Manchester might that it only could happen in London. Now, Liverpool and Manchester might be different, maybe around Glasgow. I think they could follow that suit,

but then comedy clubs would have to be okay with the comics on the bill, trying new stuff on a weekend, even though they're getting 200 quid to do a set. And it would have to be like New York where Schultz goes down to the comedy cell and does seven sets on a night, and he starts the night with an idea

and ends it with a bit. Listen, I'm like, this is, I'm not totally disagreeing with you because there are culture shifts and you've been a part of it, we've been a part of it. Like when you asked me to support you six years ago, do you remember at the arena auditorium? That was against the culture of standup, where you got, if you were on

a tour or you're doing a one man show, you got a less experienced, younger support act. That was the norm. It was almost like a pride thing as well. And Adam asked me, and I was already at Hot Water. We always got on. I was like, yeah, it's great. I'll go and play to 1100 people. It was a great night. And then I had to fuck off because I had gigs. Now, so many other good comics, like who did I have support last year? Nick Wilty is a guy who's been going longer than me. He's a fucking excellent comic. And I asked him, I reckon six, seven years ago, if I'd have asked him to support me, he would have maybe even taken offense to it.

And what I've never said on here and doesn't need saying, there's a couple of older acts that I asked to support me at times and they didn't even answer the message. Oh really? Yeah. And it was sort of like, well, fuck you. Why am I supporting you? And you're like, because, because,

because Ishan's going on tour and I've asked if I can jump on at some of his dates. Like it's not, it's about comics you rate and it's not a pride thing, but that has changed. There are, there are culture shifts. Yeah, but you are supporting. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah. Yeah. But like, why should I support you? I'm better than you. I'm bigger than you. I'm older than you. I'm more... It's a mad way of thinking. You're basically, someone's going, Hey, I've got a really great crowd. You'll have loads of fun. I'll pay you a bit of money to cover you. It just come down. It's that didn't happen. Now it happens

regularly. Yeah. Well anyway, yeah. It's Ralph Lauren. Right. Just, you know, I don't know. I don't know if I can change that, you know, I think I might be so far down the line that say it might always be. Is it Ralph Lauren in your head? Yeah. Yeah. I know it's not because Adam, he's right. He's American, but like it would be like if it was Calvin clean Calvin clean. I couldn't do that. There's your Turkish heritage coming through. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's a real, it's Calvin clean. Don't worry about the two pounds. Let's have a break, we canids cannot be wrong. God, you get a lot, don't they, Adam? They get an extra episode every week. Oh, yeah. They get early access to the public episodes

and they get a special every month. And they also immediately, secondly, sign up, Dan. Listen to this, lads. They get access to the entire back castle. What? For three quid. Jesus. You could sign up for three quid right now.

Watch all of it and then just fucking unsign. But don't do that. Don't do that. Because then you'll miss next week's. You also get a film club with me, Finn and Harry. Mad That Mondays are coming up in January. Me and Harry take over the world of podcasting and so much bloody more. Also if you want to come and see us, tickets, you essentially have to be a Patreon at this point. December special is the Roast of Have A Word, the second roast, which we recorded in October and was biblical. Finn Taylor, Eshaan Akbar, Rebecca Goodwin, Thomas Green, Freddie Quinn, Tom Stead, Daniel

Sloss, and Hattie Preston. Plus me and Dan, the best roast panel you'll see in the UK. And it was absolutely another one of them in a year or two, won't we? Oh, it's good boozy pops, wasn't it? It's great. I got a bit drunk, didn't I? Did you? Yes. I think I've got enzymes in my liver.

And I think that because I've been told by a medical professional that I've got enzymes in my liver. What's that? Is that good or bad? Aren't you better off with enzymes? It's not. All about this lifestyle, you think, Damn, the liver must be flying. We're going to tell you how many cancers you've got.

You've got a lot of enzymes if it's bad. Right, I've got a higher level of enzymes than it needs to be. Those enzymes were good for you. Hasn't everyone got enzymes? Yeah, that's what I said to him. Elevated liver enzymes are often a sign of inflamed or damaged cells in the liver. Hello! Liver damage. No? Oh nice. You alright? You feel alright? I mean, I'm gonna have a pint this week. Maybe. Oh I am on Saturday but I think I need to have a little break. I'm having a pint.

Oh are you having pints or the karaoke? Yeah. You're gonna go and do sober karaoke? No, no, but there's so many reasons to drink when you're attached to have a word. Like I can gig without boozing very easily. I drive to most gigs, drive back. That's fine. My family, not big boozers, you know, they've really toned it down since Etta got enzymes in her liver. Since they can't do it anymore. My mom's really toned her drinking down since she died from drinking too much.

She was one of my favourite drinking buddies. You know, she was a class. I'm off it now till Paddy's day. Right, I'm going to break one. Now I've got enzymes in my finger. That is a low, you know that, shite, don't you? Yeah. Oh, good. Thank God.

A fucking derby day on Saturday, you're having a laugh. Saturday, you're also... Where are you watching it? Maybe in town. I'm not going. I'd never go to Goodison. Give you a shout. Get me a punch then.

Oh, you're both, but all sad. Everton fans hate me. Yeah, I hate Everton fans. They hate me and I'll get me a punch then. I also will be completely incapable of being in any way humble if we beat you. Have you been to Goodison though? I went to watch Everett and play Sheffield United when I was a kid. Sexy. In the Glavish season. We're going in January yeah? Yeah I booked that. Saturday is Celica's dress triangle day and I've got to be there but I can't.

The wedding or just? It's just sporting your dress. What? I don't think you're meant to be any part of that. Well I'm not, but I've got to be the chauffeur. It's in their mums and lid them, so I've got to take everyone down and then sit in the other room. Why are you, why have you got to be part of that at all? Do you mean? Why have you got to take anyone? I'm just driving them all down, so they can have a glass of wine and stuff. Just get them an Uber.

An Uber to lid them? My back? What fucking Johnny Millions? Johnny Millions? Johnny Millions. Johnny Millions. Fuck that, man. I missed a good guy early. Just add it to the wedding costs. You're a fucking cook, mate.

That's what you're like. It's your mum. What? And other mums. Hers. Well, she lives there, so I'm not gonna tell you. Yeah, you're a cook for your mum. Loads of shite there.

Oh, I'll just sit in here and drink toast. Just like Johnny Millions likes to do. Want a cup of toast, son? Johnny Millions, there he is. Oh, I'll just sit in here and drink toast. Just like Johnny Millions likes to do. A cup of toast, son. Johnny Millions, there he is. That sounds like such a horrific day for you.

What time is it? I'm also then coming home and going to the karaoke. What time is the dress thing? I'm missing it. You're going to be there. I was going to say you're not watching the match. No, I'll be watching it just on my own. He wouldn't watch it with me anyway. The last You're going to be there. I was going to say you're not watching the match. No, I'll be watching it. Just on my own.

He wouldn't watch it with me anyway. The last time he watched it with me. We won 2-0. No. Yes. I put a billion pounds on it. No, it was the one way Henderson scored, but it was offside. No, me, you and Jack watched it in his now house, your house, and we won 2-0.

And that was the last time. And Jack was pissed off because I was celebrating, and you went, lad, let him have it. Oh, yeah. You just went, lad. We'd already won the league, hadn't we? No. It was the year after.

The Anfield one, we won 2-0. When there was no one there. Yeah, it was DC Allen, Sigurdsson, who could not be named. No, Richarlison and Sigurdsson, sorry. But yeah, I mean, I I said in Sigurdsson, sorry. Um, but yeah, Satie, I mean, I do think I'd go to karaoke afterwards. So that'll make a Sigurdsson. Is he just, he's playing in Iceland. Oh, he's gone back to Iceland because he did not wrong. He just got extorted and everyone thought he was a paedophile. Well, he did. He did fuck a child. No, he didn't. Cause that would be something fine point on it. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't.

He fucked somebody of legal age, which is obviously like, you know, like a horrible thing to say. He didn't break the law. He got extorted by a gang who claimed she was underage. Got found not guilty and now his career is over. That doesn't ring true at all. She wasn't underage. They told him she was and went, give us loads of money or we're

going to break this and say you had sex with a minor. And then he went to the police instead and went, listen, this is what's happening to me. And everything suspended him while it was happening. And then his career has been over since and he's playing in Iceland. 50 million well spent. Great player. It was more than 40. Want it? 40 million. I think it was more than 40. Oh sorry. 78 million. 78 million. Plus 100 in add-ons. The reason why Everett have fucked, him and Ukraine. We lost our Russian sponsor because of the Ukraine war, Uzmanov. And we also lost a 40 million pound asset. That's the real sadness about the Ukraine war. Everett would be in the top six if it wasn't for that.

Well, there's two, we lost two big assets in one year and FFP fucked us. Oh, stop fucking whinging. Let's do some questions. No, if you get to be happy about Liverpool, that can be sad about everything. You always are. That one now. You always are. We've got some.

I went for a 5k run this morning. There you go. Sorry. My new man. I'm going to try and, I'm'm gonna try and, my plan for December is do as many 5Ks as I can. I'm gonna make this work with the jingle we just played. Where have you been?

Adam, have you done any 5K runs recently? I just told you. Oh yeah, yeah, this morning. I'm gonna see how many I can do in December in total. Cause they're the signs of that, that's one. They're one today, two. I reckon I can get 20 by the end of the month. Class, it's very healthy December.

Which is how many K? 100. 100 K. That'd be good though, wouldn't it? Good little time. Like I haven't got like a specific, I know I've just said 20, but I haven't got like a specific target.

I just want to see how many times I can just get up and go and do it. Because it is only half an hour-ish. You're an absolute runsman, aren't you? I just know, like what I'm trying to do is I'm trying to offset the unhealthiness that comes my way when Liverpool are competing for the title. Right. Because there's a lot of Guinness and then Chinese food or kebabs and Christmas.

So runs stops the runs. Pooh. Oh, they're going to be there. Like no matter what. I can't stop that. I would be there no matter what. That's my runs. You have to go to India to stop that.

I miss India, isn't that weird? What? I miss India. I sat on my bike last night, just to be remembered. In the house? Yeah. Yeah. He's going to sit on his bike as many times as he can

between now and Christmas. See how many times he can miss India. It was really cold this morning. So I ran in the new Have A Word merch, which is available at? Have a word pod.com. But our new website, it's got merch, tickets, other fun things. Keep your eye out because there's sick stuff coming.

By the way, so I've got the crew neck version of what Harry's wearing right now. Have A Word University. And it's genuinely a perfect like workout top. Comfy as fuck, innit? Like I wore it to my personal training session with the beautiful Andy. How long did that go? Class. Yeah, signed up. Fit, didn't he? Yeah, he's handsome. Most gorgeous man I've ever met. Yeah. He said he's going to shout at you in Sereka in January because she's having been enough and you've got a wedding coming up. Been an Indian mate? It's a fucking joke.

I'm going tonight. He's going to shout at you tonight. Just been sitting on bicycles in your ass. Don't shout at me Andy. He's going to shout at you. Is he, yeah? Cause he hasn't seen you for too long. I know you've been in India, but like he's seen me more recently than you and that feels a bit much to him. You've been going though.

I've been in India then. No, but I mean you've been previous to India. I think you must have canceled the last one before India maybe and he's like. I canceled it cause it was on the morning we flew. Well, there you go. He's probably just a bit like, fuck he's gonna like slap you both getting a slap oh yeah he's beautiful and I love him so we can how much should you pay

enough to get slapped but I got a good vibe from him good any yeah lovely and if you look like that you go cool you know what you're talking about I don't know how his scales where I don't believe them. Why are you massive or tiny? They're not the same as my house scales. Yeah, but if you move your house scales, the house scales are shit on it. It wasn't the weight on it. That's fine. Like he weighed me a fucking six o'clock at night and I just had a fucking hot roast. That's insane.

So like- Let's go for next week though. Yeah, it's class, isn't it? But so they're called something like biometric scales or some shit like that. So you know your body inside out. So you stand on it and he puts into his app, your age and your height.

And then he shows you how much like fat you've got in your body and stuff. And I'm like- Water, everything. How can it possibly know that? Just gets a sense of it. How can it know? I just don't believe it.

I think it's a load of shit. I think someone's invented the app and he's bought it. That's the one thing I was like, you shouldn't believe you're believing this app kid. No, it tells you how much weight you've put on. Cause I remember I put... Yeah, scales do that. But I remember I put like three pounds. I was like, Oh, fuck you went, yeah, but a pound and a half of it is muscle. So, you know...

But how does it know that from your weight and high? Yeah, I don't get it. Oh, you're this tall and you weigh this. So, but like if I lost, so like based on what he weighed on me the other day, if I lost three pounds of fat and put three pounds of muscle on, how does this weigh in scale know the difference? I'm still the same height and age. That's all he put in was me weight, me height and me age.

I didn't know how much fat I had. Well, the metal plates on the thing obviously sends something from your body. It's the same as wearing like anything on your wrist that does the same, like an Apple watch. Do you trust that? Cause it's the same. I trust it knows how long I've been running for

and where I've been. It knows your heart rate and stuff. How does it know that? It's measuring my heart rate. Did you have your socks off? It can measure your blood oxygen and everything. You have to take your socks off. Oh, that's fair enough.

It's the socks, innit? No. So also, thank you. Hang on, did you not know that? What do you mean? I thought he was just weighing you and telling you. I genuinely didn't know. It pissed me off because I was like, I don't believe you.

It's metal plates and it senses the gear through your feet. Yeah, mad. It can see. They're clashing. It gave me so much information. From the- Body fat, like water, retention. He didn't say I've got really good muscle density.

Yeah, yeah. He did actually. And he said it'd be easy to put on muscle. And it was fast. You've got low, you're dead fit, dead hard and fully. Yeah. It's amazing. This tells me you're a mathematician at heart.

But like, he was like, I bet you, when you actually put the effort in, you lose weight like really quickly and get fitter quickly. And I was like, yeah. And he's like, it's because you've got massive muscles and everyone's a maggot. Cheers Andy. Shout out to Andy by the way.

And then he gave it a good wipe because it touched Adam's feet. He's the fucking, he's the go to PTs. Shall we do a question? Josh Shaw says, 100 million pounds in your bank account. Yes. But you get dropped in a random part of the ocean for 30 seconds every day for five years. Caveat. Caveat. It can be literally anywhere from a couple of feet

from shore to slap bang in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. You get to choose the time of day you get dropped. And once 30 seconds are up, you're magically teleported back home. Oh, you have to get yourself hold. No. 30 seconds, you're just in the middle of the ocean on your own though. It's not 4am and you're a kip and then all of you are in the Adriatic. That's a specific ocean, mate. In some places is that not instant death though? Like in the Arctic?

Oh yeah, you could freeze. In the Arctic would you not get hypothermia? 30 seconds? It's just a good cold plunge that. Yeah. Is it not colder than good cold plunge that. Yeah. Is it not colder than a cold plunge? Some of it is, yeah. I'd have to just do this. La la la la la la la for 30 seconds.

You'd survive for 30 seconds though. You can't put your fingers in your ear. La la la la la la la la. Imagine something touches your leg there though. Oh, that'd be longer than a treadmill, 30 seconds. What are the chances you get eaten in that 30 seconds? I think that's... Very low.

You'd have to be very unlucky to have a... Like even tiger sharks, which are the most dangerous sharks, apparently they're like hunting packs. They've got all the lads and they groups and they circle and then one of them goes up and nudges and go, what the fuck's that? They got a sound maggot and then they eat it. So I think 30 seconds, you might get a nudge off a tiger shark. You permanently wear a wetsuit though, because your clothes would get ruined. Which one did you go? By the way, you get to pick the time. Oh right. So it's not just like, oh fuck.

You go right now. Yeah. Oh right, I thought they meant like you could go half six. Oh what a bore that would be. It's like putting the bins out. You just go, it's been a lovely day today, hasn't it? I'm ready for bed. And then you go, fuck, I've got to be dropped in the ocean for 30 seconds.

Yeah, but my bed's also like fucking made of diamonds isn't it? What a hundred mil? Johnny Millions is back in drinking his pints of toast. I'd do that. On his bed of diamonds he knows how to live. I'd do that and no one's more scared than I see them be. I'd do that. 100 mil.

That's like life-changing money in there. 50 mil? Yeah. 10 mil? No. Oh. 20 mil? Let's see we do have a price. I'm going to say 30 is the limo. 29.5. 50 mil? Yeah. 10 mil? No.

20 mil? I'm going to say 30 is the limit. 29.5. No. No? No, because you'll play this game forever and go, we were going to land somewhere. I will, yeah. 30 mil.

29.7? Yes, I'd do it, yeah. 29.6? No, I've played this game. 29.69. No less than 29.5 million. 29.6? No, I've played this game. 29.69. No less than 29.5 million. 29.45. No, couldn't do it.

That's 50k. No one's more scared than the sea. I am scared of the sea. You jumped in the sea and instantly regretted it when we went to... 100%. I'm scared of sea monsters. I'm not quite as manic about open bodies of water as you seem to be but I totally share the fear of all the underwater creatures.

But 30 seconds? Yeah, I'll be fine with it. I just have to go. Is it five years is it? How many years? Five years. So how many times is that? Five times, twelve, sixty times? I suppose like... Every day. Oh bruh. I thought it was once a month. Did you just say what you wanted to say? So I know you're saying like 30 seconds a day makes it unlikely

you're going to get eaten, but to just do the maths on it, 30 seconds a day would be three and a half minutes a week, which would be 175 minutes a year. So three hours a year. But you would know it's being dangerous water. I don't even know if I've got that right, but I think it's 15 hours in total you're going to spend in the ocean. Yeah, but yeah, if you said to me, you've got to spend 15 hours in any random part of the ocean

all in one, like that, but like 30 second increments, massively reduce the chance of you getting eaten because you've got to get dropped in the water. And a human eating creature has got instantly go, increments massively reduce the chance of you getting eaten because you've got to get dropped in the water and a Human eating creature has got instantly go. I'm snacking that That seems like I'd love to see the mats on that. I'd love to see the mats on how much it does reduce Based on the increments. We lost a lot like you're not going to be in dangerous waters all the time You could be dropped in like the lake. I can't imagine if you just got dropped in the lake. Is that in the ocean? Is it only oceans? Yeah. A random part of the ocean.

Do you listen to the lake? Any other questions? I don't listen to much. That says no. Oh, Peter Lloyd's. Lovely. Once a month for a billion pounds. I have to wet my hair once every two years. I'm taking it away. No, because it's every day. Ultimate fear every day for me, isn't it? Honestly, about a month in, the fear would be gone. The chance of you getting eaten wouldn't be.

But the fear would... I'm not scared of getting eaten. What are you scared of? I don't know. It's the unknown, I think. That's most fears, isn't it? But again, that would be gone after a month because you would know. But I wouldn't know? No, you would feel like you know. Yeah. Maybe then. But I'd have a terrible month. Um, we've got another...

Where's that? Month. What? Month. I said after a month you'd be used to it. Oh, right. I don't think any of us are listening to each other today at all. Fucking don't. Sam Jackson says, would you rather? Samuel L Jackson. Samuel. Jackson says, would you fucking rather never wipe your mouth again? With the hat on as well. Yeah. Yeah. It does myself as well as look like a bitch. Never wipe your mouth again or never wipe your ass again.

Wipe your mouth? I don't know the last time I wiped my mouth. I want him now though. I suppose you know it more than you think when you eat. I mean I was covered in garlic mayo at the, at the Christmas market. If I had to wash your face, if I had to walk around forever with garlic mayo. Because you had to deep, you tried to deep throw a tornado potato. I successfully deep throw to the tornado potato. I think I had to be careful enough.

You've come a long way, babe. To not get stuff all over my face so that I don't have to wipe my careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful.

I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful.

I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. I'm going to be very careful. Yeah, I'd rather always wipe my arse. Yeah. Because my mouth's never got poo on it. Well, mine has. I could have been CMO.

Why does she make poo bodies? No, I look an asshole. Ah, that'll do it. And occasionally there's some remnants of poo in there, it gets caught in the beard. That will do it. If this is your first visit to the Have A Word podcast, this is sometimes a lot of what we do. And I understand it is a little bit, it's shocking in place, isn't it?

But there's so much funnies. Enjoy your cornflakes. Now it's time for... We're doing it! It is very easy to forget, isn't it? Like some people listen to this at like 7 o'clock on a Monday morning. By the way, what's all this bova gear that I'm seeing? What? What? You're not allowed to drink milk anymore. It's got this special stuff in there.

Everyone's boycotting it. You know what I'm saying? Bova. Bova these nuts. No, I'm not gonna just do that anyway. Well, there's a new, there's a new conspiracy like Bova. It's like, it's something. Can you google it? Yeah I'm on it. Everyone's like boycott Cravendale and Larepack and other items. Well is it like a chemical they're throwing in there? It's to stop cows farting. I haven't got any cows in me, but I'm sorry. You have?

I don't mind cows farting, they stink anyway. No but it's ruining the world isn't it? So they've put it in. Oh I've really, I've been to India, I don't think the cows fighting was the problem. The pollution in Delhi wasn't just guffs from from dairy. But it's all it's like weird cannons online. Yeah, it's not. It seems like a Matlete kind of thing.

Just from reading one article, they've just added a thing to reduce methane gas in mid cows. It's to stop cows boffing, but apparently it kills humans. It doesn't. It's the new thing. Just thought everyone had seen it. Tony Blair did a chemical in milk. He looked at the data and people were having more strokes and heart attacks and stuff. And it's because of the sodium and processed food. So we called a secret meeting that he never told anybody about. Don't ask why he found those. He didn't tell anybody. He was just on his own. He got like Marks and

Spencers, Tesco, Heron Foods, Iceland. Heron getting in the top three. Listen, I'm loving the bullshit, but I have to do that one. Call the meeting and he was like, don't give Finn a job ever. He's like, yeah, listen, there's this fucking Welsh Turkish girl don't like him or as Mark and she's addicted to Pwado. So fucking shite that. Don't hire them. She kills everyone. And he was like, you're all going to have to play by the same rules.

Because it's crippling the NHS, the amount to like salt in all the shit. For a three year period, you need to reduce the salt in your processed food by 10% each year for the next three years. And they all did and it brought everything down. Was that the start of the traffic light? The traffic light stuff on Panic?

But like he, like no one ever knew about this meeting apparently. Did it stay at that level? Did it stay at 30% lower? Yeah I think so. So Tony Blair, hero. He's done something good. I just look, I read an article and I'm just passing the information on. Well done Tony lad.

Yeah, the... I saw the TikTok. Yeah, the- It's all a TikTok. Yeah, thank you. We've got some, Ix. We've got some Ix. You don't like when people do it. I can't hear that. All right.

Ix, Amy says, so if you've got Ix, if your partner or anyone that you might wanna fuck or thought about fucking does something that you don't like, send them in. Have a word pod at gmail.com. Amy says, I went on holiday with my boyfriend and he was snorkeling in the swimming pool with the big snorkeling goggles on. Dried up my pussy. Yeah, what are you doing there lad?

Yeah, I'm always on the side of men. Malibuite. Yeah, but you can't be doing that lad. Snorkeling in the pool. Looking at women probably. Oh actually I like it now. No fair play lad. Trying to find coins. Can I tell you what I did in the sea in Egypt? No.

So probably all the women in Egypt or most Muslim countries wear full berka So the sea was full of women in full berka and men not in full berka me and Serika were in the sea obviously She's not wearing the berka because she's Muslim. She had the swimsuit on so all the men were swimming near us on the water and basically Looking at her. Yeah to the point where it's getting like a bit ridiculous So I took me shorts off and was bollock going to see and then all the men started shouting at me. Cause I'd be like, what are you doing? I was like, why are you looking? Just do you the Egyptian again? What are you doing? Um, and then they told me that Serecha in the Egyptian means stolen and threatened me. It was not a threat, but it was a sort of threat. How did they all know your name? Because we were speaking to them like, shouting it.

Get your dick away! What's your name by the way? So I can tag it online. Yeah, they were pissed off that I had my dick out. I was like, why are you swimming in the sea? I think a lot of people get annoyed if you get your dick out in a swimming pool. It wasn't the swimming pool, it was the sea. Oh, it was the sea? It can't be illegal to have your dick out under the sea. That's the Little Mermaid song. I cannot argue.

It cannot be illegal. It can't be illegal to have your dick out under the sea. Yeah, no, it can't be. It's international waters. Clinch, clinch. Hang on, as soon as you get in the sea, you're not in international waters. You didn't have your dick out in international waters.

You can't murder someone, like, with your feet wet and be like, bang, international waters. You can't murder someone like with your feet wet and be like bang international waters. You're on the beach. So where does international water start? A while out. Asking for the flim. You can get your dick out 30 seconds a day. Yeah. And they were all pissed off. I was like, it's insane. You just try to look at me partners, boobies and all.

You're scared. You're scared of open bodies of water. I've been to Egypt. I swim in the sea. The sea in Egypt is moody. I saw a barracuda. They look, it looked. It was the sea where it's lovely and clear. It looked scary.

The barracuda is scary. It's what killed Nemo, his mum. Oh, I thought the barracuda was like a fucking giant evil eel thing. Can I just Google Barracuda so I know what it looks like. So the sea in Egypt Dan was clear, crystal clear and then it was one of the ones with drops off. Oh and I would rather shove a pine cone up my ass every minute of every day than go over the shelf. So where we were, fucking hell they're terrifying aren't they Dan? minute of every day. So where we were fucking held a terrifying, I'm doing. Yeah. I'll put a picture in. Also someone shouting barracuda at the top of the voice and that really sold it. No one went, Oh, it's a barracuda. Someone went, that was in me. I never thought that

was a terrorist attack. So you show when you jump in the pool, a cowabunga. That guy's got his dick out. Yeah. But you could, yeah. Don't look at me partner. If you don't look at me dick. Getting it on the new merch. That's going on new merch. But I think having your dick out under the water in the sea is like mine and Carl's rules for having your dick out in your front window. Don't look in your window then. I can't agree more. That was the school of fish nearby. Those schools have made up me. That was so bad. Amanda Sambor. Who? Amanda Sambor. So when lads get a picture and make a fist pose as if they're a boxer. Oh yeah. Yeah, that's fair enough. Yeah, I think it's equal to the point as well.

I don't mind the point so nice. Hey, look who I'm here with. No, the point by the famous person, pointing at the non-famous person. Oh yeah, we talked about that, didn't we? This picture's not for me. He's the guy. Are you with him?

Yeah, this, that is gimpy there. What are you doing? I'll punch his head in. I'm hard. Paul Ben says, What's your standard, sorry, what's your standard go-to pose then? Like if you got a picture with someone really famous

that you like, who could that be? Who would you get a picture with? Tony Cascorino. Okay. Krishnan Gurumurthy. Both of them. That's the holy grail, isn't with? Tony Cascorino. Ok. Krishnan Gurumurthy. Both of them? That's the holy grail isn't it? Holy trinity.

Me. Gurumurthy. Cascorino. Who's like the best ever running quarterback for the New Orleans Sons? John Bertie. Who is it? You know what they're called. No, if I saw a famous NFL player that was a bit of a like...

Tom Brady. Drew Brees. Yeah, I would saw a famous NFL player, there was a bit of a like Tom Brady, Drew Brees. Yeah, I would like a picture with Drew B. He's a bit boring, but I like the gold. What would you want picture with somebody if Drew Brees and Tom Brady were next to each other? I'd ask for a picture with Drew Brees. Is that because it's cool? He's a cause he's a bag for the Saints legend. First ballot Hall Hall of Famer. You're looking confused, but like if there was... I don't know, Tim Kale and Steven Gerrard, who are you getting a picture with? Steven Gerrard isn't the greatest of all time.

Well, he's better than Tim Kale though, isn't he? Tim Kale and Cristiano Ronaldo. Cristiano Ronaldo probably, even though he's horrible. I mean, some of you have his statue. I don't know, we're getting into it. Breeze and Brady isn't Ronaldo and Tim Kale. What? That's too much of a display of Kaka and Ronaldo. Yeah, but it has to be one of Everton's best ever players.

So who's the best player in the Premier League era that you'd be asked about? Who's the one? David Unsworth. Luke Hacking? Leighton Baines. in the Premier League era that you'd be asked about? Who's the one? David Hunsworth. Luke Hacking. Leighton Baines. Yeah, but they're all, he's just go to Bald Street Coffee and see him.

Don't they all see Fluff and Roberto Carlos in Gap, aren't they? What would the stance be? Yeah, I'd get a picture with Mo Salah before I got a picture with Messi. I can't even. That's insanity. You wouldn't. That's close.

It is close, but yeah. But one of them is so much more accessible. One of them just lives here. They're the ones, the greatest player to have. He did walk past our flat a couple of weeks ago. Salah, he was walking his dog. Did you shout? Did you see him? I was in Australia, so he couldn't hear me.

All right. I tried dog. Who's your... Which one's going to picture with Tim Keogh, because that's more. Who's your dream selfie? He's had it. It's just K. I've had that twice.

No Gallagher. I don't know. Or Liam. Or Macca. Maybe Macca. Alexis Mcgallagher. Steve McMullin. Steve McMullin. That's nobody's by the way.

Callum McMullin. That's nobody's. Is yours Callum McMullin? Yeah. Yeah. I've done that though. Mine are all accessible. The question is what's your pose? I've got, I know yours. Cause at one point yours was Russell Brand and now obviously he's a rapist. So you wouldn't meet him. I've got a picture with him. Yeah. That's what I mean. And your pose on my list like this. Yeah. It's just just me buzzing and he gave me a kiss. I go for the Bruce force sign.

No, he kissed me on the cheek said I had beautiful hair and then invited me to his show later on. They didn't have tickets to in Manchester, but I couldn't go. He's going to fuck you. David Unsworth. David Unsworth kiss me on the bumhole. He was just taking a penalty. Is it not just the standard? If you, if they'll let you have the arm round and smile? Yeah, I was like, that's mine. Yeah, that is it, isn't it? What if they're dead small? What if it was like Crouch, Warwick Davis?

No, you don't crouch, that's disrespectful, innit? No, it's not. Should you just put your arm on the back of his head? What, around the ear? Warwick Davis is down there and I'm just like... What do you do if you get a picture with like Peter Dinklage? Grab his neck. Cause he's sick. I'd love to. He's cool as fuck. Peter Dinklage. I'm telling you right now, don't pick him up.

I'd love to be Peter Dinklage. I think he's fucking cool. He did flagrant didn't he? You'd love to. And he was cool on it as well. You'd love to be Peter Dinklage. Meet him. I just think he's so sick. He's such a good actor. You see past the obvious. Plays a goat in the new Wicked film. Have you been seeing it? Yeah. Oh, I got so angry. Is it long? Oh, don't mention it yet. Film club.

Could you just give me a teaser? I've never snapped at anyone in my life. Like ever in public. I snapped at a woman in the cinema. He told her to shh. I didn't. What did you do? I did it a bit. I went a bit like formal. I went, don't come to the cinema if you're going to be on your phone. Oh, you were being a phone number.

She was on the phone. She was on WhatsApp taking selfies. Next to you or in front of you? Next to me at the end of the row. Why is that a problem? What? Behave. It is distracting.

You can't be on your phone in the cinema. That's just a rule. If it's making no noise. No, it's the greatest distraction. But I could see it in the corner of my eye. I just watched a film. I couldn't focus on anything else and then a dork was doing ballet at the end of the row. I'm telling you right now, you're saying you couldn't focus on anything else.

Swear to you. If I had wicked on my phone and someone was on a massive fucking 40 foot screen over there, you wouldn't be able to concentrate on my phone, you'd be watching that. Just watch the film, as long as someone's making no noise. No, no, there's epic in there. You're wrong there. Don't get it wrong. I wouldn't get mine out, but that's mad to get that angry about. Why there's a bright light in the corner of your eye that's distracting you from the screen.

Just watch like this. Take binoculars. And his little cinema blinkers. I shushed a woman in a wheelchair on the day before yesterday. I didn't know she was. And then you didn't know she was in a wheelchair? No. Would it have mattered about you shushing her? No, it wouldn't have. But then her care had made me feel bad. Why was it?

What did she do? He was sat on the end, at the end one and she was sat next to him basically in like the aisle bit but in a wheelchair and they would do with chatting like it wasn't following. They were chatting and I went shh and he went and then like like kind of pointed like she's in a wheelchair and I had to be like, so shut up. Yeah. Being in a wheelchair doesn't mean you get to talking to this in a way, but he kind of used it as like a yeah, but they he's going to be using that all the time, isn't he? That's his going to be his one card for. I saw gladiator 2. Come on. No film club spoilers,

but it was good. When I went to watch Inside Out 2, there was a feather in a wheelchair that was... Cause it gets all quite sombre and slow at the end and all emotional. And he was obviously like had some kind of special needs and he was making like F1 car noises as it was like getting to the really emotional point about how Riley becomes this teenager who's grown up but she's coming to terms with her emotions. Distracted from fucking did it? You can't say, I mean, good on him. He was having a great time. I mean proves a film to me. I'm proved it. You know what? Before

then there was no F1 cars in inside out too, but then there was. You know, Ellie likes the F1, so it was all right. Can I ask you a question, Finn? Yeah. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. All right. Genuine question. Cause you're a big cinema file, aren't you? Yeah. You are. Is this cinema file or cine file? Cine file. Cine file. Do you think people with Tourette's

should be allowed to go to the cinema? Yes. Answer yes. Yes, full stop. But if they have like an episode, it would be polite to leave. What if it's someone who- Nothing. Finley. What if it's someone who genuinely like all day every

day every 10 seconds they're constantly having it they every 10 seconds of their life they go it's Kevin Webster. Genuinely I want to know what you'd do. It would ruin some moments in films. It would yeah. Yeah there's a lot of films that's ruining. There's some films you could go to and that's acceptable. I think it's a really important and interesting ethical question. They should be allowed to go wherever they want just because they're shouting. Well they have special screenings like they have subtitle ones or they have like singing ones for wikis. Yeah and like they have like autism friendly screenings and stuff.

Yeah but then they'll get to go when they want. They want to go out Saturday at seven o'clock. Yeah. It's like at the West end, they do all like for this is probably ableist. And I'm pro I've probably got the wrong opinion on this, but I think you'd, some people do just get dealt worse hands in life and they have to accept that it's going to affect the things they can do. And I do think if you've got every 10 seconds for that, I don't think you can be going to the cinema like on just a regular screen. I think you have to accept that that's just something you're not. I think that's a very interesting discussion to be had.

And I'm probably wrong. I'm probably just a fucking bigot. Even if it's F1 losers. Like I just think it's entirely possible that I'm wrong about that. And that someone could educate me on why that's a horrific thing to think because obviously their lives are already

harder than ours and stuff. But if you've got Tourette's, you probably already do this because you feel bad about. Self preservation, you don't want to be the guy who's ever on stage. So you probably already just do your own thing. Yeah, which is sad, isn't it?

But that's a reality. Absolutely, no business can ever come back and go, you know what? We can't have Tourette's in the cinema. Like they should be allowed to go. So is that the same for the theatre then as well? Have you seen those autism, they have like current autism screenings of Wicked on the West End where they show that like the goat man isn't a real goat. What? How? What do you pull the fourth wall? Like he looks like a goat.

Oh, I thought you meant the film. No, no, no. He looks like a goat man. But don't worry. He's not a goat man. He's a man dressed as a goat. It's a five and a half hour production. Is this like, is this goat man or he's not a goat man? No, he's a, he's a goat professor. He's a teacher at the school. Yeah, in a goat man. No, he's a, he's a go professor. He's a teacher at the school. You'd like wicked. I'm going to say it in New York in December. Yeah. And then they took it to

the prequel. It was the buzz. Yeah. Essentially it's why she's a bitch, which was the prequel and the sequel. Yeah. And one, uh, by the way, merch has just dropped. Let's go and promote it then and then another Derek's. Two X's. Derek's. Time for a Derek's. Derek's. Derek's. Hey. And we are back. For the bossy there. Lovely little bossy. Derek's. Derek's. Derek's. I tell you who's here, Paul Smith. Hey. I did not get a bossy. Derek's Derek's. Derek's. I tell you who's here Paul Smith. Hey, I did not get a buddy. I went for the fucking very disappointing following this breakfast. John Lewis.

John Lewis. I mean, I just come in. Yeah, I mean, I've panicked. I panicked. I went to John Lewis and it was fucking five minutes before they were wrapping up. They had no beans, no hash browns. Give me an extra sausage charge before it. Where's the cafe in John Lewis?

It's off the floor. It's the cafe in John Lewis? Top floor. It's where all the old people get stuck. Mate, swear to God, the queue of all people, like it was fucking Alton Towers. Take me through your morning. I don't know what I, I don't know what I, I panicked, lad. I really did panic. So you've got to town, what time did you get to town?

I don't come into town anymore. So just fucking didn't know where to go. And I was walking around aimlessly and I thought, people kept going out and I thought, I keep getting, if I look aimless, people stop me for pictures. So. So I thought I just got to keep moving. I wouldn't even know that this is where I'm confused. Right? So tell me, did you go into John Lewis for something else and then think, you thought to yourself on the streets of Liverpool, in Liverpool. Where does a brekkie in town coffee? Where? Old street coffee. Does he? I walk right past that as well. I walked down both seats, the brunch coffee. I don't know

town anymore. Have you got a phone? You've got a phone. I mean, yeah, it was not to use it. You can't just Google cafes near me. I didn't understand that. Yeah. John Lewis. I know. I mean, you know, he's not gone for like a bacon, but he had Clinton cards. It's exactly. I just sat together because I'm embarrassed and if anyone's seen me, they have to apologize to the city at large because by the way, there's going to be people who've seen you in there today who go home and tell people that they've seen you having a brekky in John Lewis and they're not going to believe it. I'll get an Edd or try and fucking control the narrative.

Put it on the top floor because all the old women go off. Paul Smith didn't he? He was having his brekky where? Top floor of John Lewis. If they see me, they were in there as well. You mean they could be old women? Oh yeah. That would be a good way to avoid getting stopped if it's all old people.

That's why I've done it. That's one of the mad old people. That's why I don't know who you are. That's one of the maddest things I've ever heard in my entire life, you know. I need a breath of new. And I knew coming with that sick butt, you know, I was like, fuck, I had a nightmare here. That looked delicious. That's when was the last time you had a brekkie in town? There's so many good brekkie, like of all the cuisines you can get. I'd normally go to the like down by the docks or something. Yeah. There's a couple of good

ones there, but it's couldn't be asked walking that far. I can't think of anywhere else that does a good full English Bramley's. Where's that by Williamson square? See, I don't know. That's the one you put on your story the other day. Yeah. I got fucking emotional. Yeah. I got a lot of messages about that. Why was it was it? Was it a good one? Good buddy? It was a good feel Instagram story. Yeah. Yeah. What did it say? It was about like when I used to come to town with my mom for Christmas shopping, we'd always start by going to Bramley's cafe and having breakfast. And then when she got so ill that we didn't do that anymore, we obviously stopped going. And the year after she died,

I was in town doing Christmas shopping on my own. I just like was walking past it and was like, Oh, I'll just go in. Now when I used to go with it, it was always like relatively busy, but like not chocolate. And it had been seven years since I'd been in like in that cafe and I was on my own and I walked in and like just, it was chocolate. There was a table at the back that I couldn't see. And I was, I just went, I just wanted a table for one love, but I just wanted a table of, but um, is it that busy? She'll come back in like an hour or something. And I was talking to like a young girl, but the old woman who used to serve me and me, my mom and Ajax sort of like spawn from nowhere and went to whenever she busy for your mom lad, where is she? She's shone away. And I had to explain that she'd like passed away. Um, I was like, at first

I was like, what you mean? She's like your hands lad, aren't you? And I was like, yeah, she went shone away. And I like, I literally like was smiling as I was explaining that me mom had died. Cause I got like a nice like moment at like seven years later. And I've gone from being, you know, like a pubescent sort of teenager into like I was 21, 22 when I, however old I was. But yeah, she recognized me from back then and was just expecting it to be my mom. She was never too busy for my lad. Oh, that's cool as fuck. Same reason I keep going back to Clinton cards cause that's where

me and my mom used to go for cards. I'll go to the shop and get the cards first. But yeah, every year since then, I've gone back to Bramley's around Christmas time. Next time I come in, I'll go to Bramley's. Sorry, Bramley's. No, just make your own John Lewis story. After we've been martyred, I'll be there. Mum, we're going to John Lewis again.

This is going to be lovely when you fuck up. This is going to be lovely when you fuck up. This can be sick content this one. Yeah. Probably just class and they put chips on the brekkie, which I think is just the sign of a proper working class. Gaff like full English brekkie toast and chips. I think chips in their own pot. Chips are the second best thing. Potato thing. You can put on a pause. This is on a brekkie. Yeah. Okay. After hash browns. No, potatoes. Tati's gone. You're the fucking mad man. What's Tati's gone? Mate. You're a dickhead. It's basically it's a pancake

made out of potatoes. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I quite liked it actually. Oh yeah. It's well better than hash brown. Yeah. This is better than hash brown. Well, better than Ash Brown. It's well better than Ash Brown. It's half way between Toast and Ash Brown. You can put like an egg on it or a bit of bacon. We had a very controversial little segment recently on this that our listeners were arguing about for weeks. I just want to run it by you. Uh, should we do top three or five top three, top 17, top three ways you can do a potato. So we're talking start jackets, ash browns, chips, chips, tornado chips are the most versatile. This is not equal goodness. No, it's not like, it's not, you can only have one forever. What's the best? Oh, um, because

chips are the most versatile. I think mash is the best me. Wow. I love a mash. If you get like a, if you go to like a Michelin star restaurant and they give you mash, your head will fall. I was in Vienna, right? And the start, no one, he bring like a start like before I could pre start it out. Just bread and that. And he was like oil or whatever. This cunt brought fucking mash and bread out. And I had to ask him, is this normal? And the waiter was like, no, the chef, he has some crazy ideas. And I was like, this is madness. We even fucking filming it. It was a Turkish fashion. It was me and some mash on this bread. I swear to God my head went, it was that good. It was fucking unreal. So I think top and I don't think it's close is a Roasty, right? And I think if

you went to a Michelin star restaurant and they brought you a Roasty and give you a bit of bread. Cause there's more you can do with mash. You can add more flavors to mash. You can't put Michelin star mash at number one. Why can't I? Why can't I? Oh, we bought a chain. Most working class conversation ever. Michelin star mash. You're not working class anymore? What? Why aren't I?

I'm not working class. When's the last time you worked? Right now. Fuck off. He's in a cold face. He's going to act like he's working class now. From'm a working class background. You live in fucking, where do you live? I live in high Spanish. You've got a better lifestyle than most royalty from history. Most people initially. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you're not wearing class. Are you? Okay. You don't work in a fashion. You've got a better washing machine now than

the queen had when she got like coronated. Up a working class. Up a working class. That's a fact. That should be a thing. Yeah. That's a fact. I don't think she was doing it. Cause she got a wedding gift of a washing machine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My washing machine is Hoover, which is weird. What's your Hoover? Shark. Not washing machine. Who would make good gear? Anyway, we're going with Roasties. I'd love to get in bed with big Hoover. I'd take a little sponsorship off Hoover. I've never thought about that. Like we've got it better than fucking everyone. Who was the king before the queen? Edward. Yeah, I know. What's his fucking name? Edward. Was it? Or was it George? Speaking of spots by the way. Yeah. Was it? Full circle King Edward I would make sporties. Uh, potatoes. Even do you not know

King Edwards as a brand of potato? It sounds familiar. I know King Edwards from George the sixth. There you go. George the sixth. He didn't do that. The one he stood doesn't last very long. Yeah. His brother is it his brother abdicated column first. Yeah. Ran off with the American. Yeah. Yeah. This is Wallace. You want a better bed than him? There's my, no, my bed. You got a better telly than Queen Victoria. Yeah. Fuck. She was just watching little spinny things on the look. Do you want to say a porn? What do you think? Anything better than us now? Um? Who's they? Better horses. Royalties in the 1800s. Horses probably. Yeah, because I haven't got any horses. Butler's. Expendable income. Do you reckon?

The money would go further. What? Do you reckon? What was the, what do you reckon they? Well, the kings and queens of 19th century. I think they had a bit of dough there. I know you're doing well and you've got. No, I'm not like him, flashy on me. Washing machine. had a bit of dough there. I know you're doing well and you've got no, I don't think she on the washing machine. They weren't playing arena zone. Paul's doing all of them. That's a fact. She could have done though. Do you reckon Queen Victoria could have sold out arenas around the empire? Yeah. Yeah. I don't think she'd be adding as many dates as him. No, no. I just don't like one in each town. She never done Wembley. The Queen never did Wembley. That's a fact. How many Wembleys you doing? I've done two. Doing the O2 now.

Ah. Shit that poor. Bored of Wembley. Grow up poor. Do you ever think you'd get bored of doing Wembley poor? Jorard. How many dates are on this tour? I've got, I don't know, what about 120 left?

About half way through. Left. Right. Yeah. Mine was quite small, that last one, actually. Do you know, like, I genuinely don't think, I don't even know if you've got a grasp on this yet, really. I think it might take some hindsight in a few years for you to realize this, but like, the amount of people who just are like,

if I get told into a comedy or whatever, or they recognize me and they're like, they'll bring you up or whatever, the attitude is, hey, Paul's doing all right, isn't he? And I don't really think people understand that, like, they'll bring you up or whatever. The attitude is, Hey, Paul's doing all right, and I don't really think people understand that. Like you are probably ticket sales wise in the top three on the planet. Aren't you third in the country at least behind Carl and Gervais? Isn't it you third? I'm beating Jimmy Carr.

Oh yeah. So you're second though to Gervais. Sorry Jimmy, I'm massive. Massive Jimmy. I've had a talk try to sell me tickets to you before. Genuinely. I was like, Jimmy. I'm massive. I've had a talk, try to sell me tickets to you before. Genuinely. I'll just text them. And I'll just section the talk number. It's upset. Cause I remember seeing at the end of Tom Segora's last tour, right? He did like an Instagram post and this is where I got the context from because he's one of the biggest comedians on the planet. Defo. And he was like a tour

done blah, blah, blah, blah. Thanks to all 600,000 people who came out to see me. Didn't you do that on day one of the show? No, I've done 200,000 on day one. I've done more than that now though. Yeah. Just under 800 now. So you top five in the world then with his bad shit. Do you ever realize that? I didn't. So he's just said it now. That's so.

But overwhelmed. Isn't that a bit mental? It is mad. Because I did think like that's, I think it's just, I think it's one in every eight people in this country. I've gone to see it. I bought it. Obviously it's not that because some people come twice in that book.

No one in every 80. One in every, is it 80? Yeah. Cause one in every eight would mean there's only 6.4 million people in the country. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's still all right.

Like, yeah. One in every 80. Well, I just asked you when you arrived, you were like, I'm going to New Zealand. Was that what size venues? But anyone want to guess? That blew my mind a little bit. You're gigging in New Zealand and Australia in January. What size venues Paul?

Um, between 4,000 and 8,000 or 3,000 and 8,000. Can you check how many people in the country, like one in how many people have AIDS? I want to see if he's more popular. I want to see if he's more rampant than AIDS peak or now AIDS. Both. 800,000 people can't have AIDS in this country, can they? I don't think so. I'm scared he looked at me.

Cause I'm fucking everything. No. 107,000 people. 107,000, you're eight times more popular than current AIDS. Fuck you, AIDS. Eight times popular than AIDS. And AIDS is eight times more popular than me. If I go off my last tour, I'm halfway to AIDS numbers wise. God, that's a rock. He does your bitch

pull. He does me. It did. It blew my mind. I didn't expect cause live, live, live nation did it for us and they guaranteed us and we were like, they were like, should we do these venues? And I was a bit reluctant and then yeah, they were right. I saw more than I did. I want to see what it's the same as disease. I want to see what we. What disease in the UK? One in 80. My goal is heart disease. 800,000 people. Fucking hell. Paul Smith killed me dad. Paul Smith's the not so silent killer. Dementia.

Dementia. You're as popular as dementia. Good hell. A lot of ticket sellers in dementia, they can keep coming back. You know how much crossover there is? How many people with dementia are going to see Paul Smith and then find out how many of them have got AIDS and that's the number. Have any of these shows that you're doing now, like being a bit shit, is there any room

you've done where you're like, that's not for comedy that? Sunderland last week sorry Jay I really apologize for saying that I love you very deeply but me it's like the guy who owns the Braynton Arena. Okay. It's just a big massive tin place in music in Sunderland and it's just always murder. we put like seven shows in and they all sold and then by the time I done the first one and realized it probably wasn't the best for comedy. The rest was sold out and I was committed. I did the last two last week. He wants me to go back.

But I'm like, it's, it's not, it's not his fault. It's just one of them rooms where it's just a big, massive shed. Yeah. And there isn't another option. That's the thing is it's not going to be tons of options. You got the Sunderland empire, but there was always made of there as well. I think there's, I mean, it's, it's, it's, it's can be an eggy place. There isn't like people like people fighting, fighting. Like there was a kickoff last week on the show on Thursday

because some, a lot, some guy, some lads got kicked out and he was saying they were like with some traveler family were local and they were going to bring all his family back and he would drop in this like big top traveler guy's name and it turned out he was in the front row, watching in the fourth row, watching the show. So the dormant went, oh, he's in, I'll go and get him. So he goes, this lad's dropping your name in. So this lad felt like I was, I didn't want to see this happen, but apparently cars anyway. I was like, give me a sec. Walks out and just goes, you're dropping my name. And he went, all right. And he went fuck off. Just lays this kid out for you. Lays them out and walks back in and sits back down. That's a show. I mean, to be fair, fair enough. That's pretty cool. Yeah. He went outside and did it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's go outside. I'll come back and watch the kid out. Who used the legal pair. Yeah. None of that happened. That's a joke. Don't be throwing names about. Use a name that I throw about. Mine probably. Paul's. We haven't had you in since the fight. Since before. No, well, since I signed over the fight, that was about a year before the fight. Yeah. That's about two years or since I've been here. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. How was the aftermath of the fight? Because obviously I love you, but there was a lot of piss taken online. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I mean, fair play. Cause can I just ask, are you talking about this and you couldn't talk? Yeah. But the bit, the bit kind of it's a good bit. I mean, fair play. I got a good bit out of it. Um, but

it's kind of phased out of the show. Can you talk about it now? Yeah. So cause about a week or two before the fight, I, uh, I interviewed you for certain. We were, it was, it was the Liverpool special we did. Yeah. And I was talking to you about it and you were so confident or certainly projecting that at the time. Yeah. And I had to be like that. I wasn't, but you, like you literally said to me, he's got not on for me. Yeah. I know. I just had to have that in my head. I was just telling myself that, but it wasn't in your head. No, I was pretty, pretty sad. He was going to smash me. I'd seen him like as soon as I signed the 40, like I started seeing clips of him training and found out from as I was going, cause I was going around the country, obviously traveling like traveling around and people get me in their gyms and people knew him.

So he'd been training for fucking years and everyone was like, he's been training for years. You know, like he's pretty good at his brothers are black belt like a jujitsu. And I was like, ah, fuck, no one told me that because he never mentioned it. Like, so I was like, ah, so I thought, all I can do is just fucking, I thought grappling wise, I probably, if we just have a grappling match, I probably would be able to at least keep up. Well, that was your plan, wasn't it? To let him tire himself out and then take it to the ground. And I'm not taking on a way cause it's hard to get tired in 45 seconds. 76 seconds. No, no, the walking was longer than the fight

though. I think if, if we, if I fought him a hundred times, he would win 97 of them just like, but there's the odd one where I would manage to grab, get him that cause I nearly got him down. He grabbed the cage and then he would have took me down and we got separated. I would have rather that ref let him take me down because then we'd have been on the ground cause I had torn me into coastal. So I'd'd separated me basically. So I had no strength on this side. I had to get it like numbed up. I did that. I did be in the costals just before.

So it's fucking awful. So I was like, I couldn't really, I had no strength on this side. So I was like, I've got one chance to get him down here before this painkiller fucks up. And as it grabbed him, fair play to him.

I don't know. It's just, he just went fuck off right in here. And I just felt me red pop and I went, ah. And then we got separated. I was like dead here and dead. And I started throwing those like kicks and I just couldn't throw anything else. And like left arm wouldn't work. My left arm was just completely numb. And I was like, I'm fucked. I'm just fucked. Can't do nothing. So I couldn't even like really lift this armor to defend myself, which is why I got fucking

sparked out. I do think you like, it was the best possible in a way. Absolutely. Cause you looked so humble and funny afterwards. Oh my God, you came across so fucking well. Yeah. Immediately. It's just one of them things that I'm kind of a believer in faith a lot of the things in my life have happened

that he go that kind of happened any other way. And obviously I would much rather have won. Yeah. Like, but like with the way, like if I'd have had to do the tour straight after it and come, go, if I'd have walked out and just fucking led them, then it wouldn't have come across very well on stage. Whereas the bit I've got about it that I've got like nearly a half hour bit on it and it just comes across dead well.

So I'm just talking about my, my trying to psych myself up even though I knew I was going to get battered and then just getting fucking walking in and just trying to keep me and he just sparks me and then just what's going through your head as you're like trying not to die in a cage and you realize you've made a mistake. It's just fucking. When I got in this morning I was just on my phone and it come up like randomly on YouTube as like a short like your post fight interview And I was watching it and Carl from over there went, Paul. And I went, yeah, it is. And he went, he sounds weird. I went, he's just had his head punched. Sean Strickland, the ex middleweight champion of the UFC. So that both the dissent that

today in a white sign is left for the UFC. Just because was the descent that a day in a white sign. It's left for the UFC just because of the post fight interview. That's cool. What's going through your head when you know you're about to get a lock dot. Like when he hit you the first time you're like, I'm done. What, what, like what's your brain? When he, cause he come, he, so he caught me dead faster than one too. And as soon as they hit me, I was like, fuck, that was dead hard. How much does it hurt? I don't know. This sounds like the most basic. Is it your adrenaline so high? So the best way I can describe the sensation of it, it feels like it feels like you get on your knees there and me getting a space up there running out

here as fast as I can and just going fuck off as hard as I can with a space up there. So there's not like, it's not like a sharp connection where like it stings. It's just like a massive impact. Like did you ever get it in the face with a footy when you were a kid? Like that exactly like that. Yeah. And I went, I fuck up. And then I was just trying to keep my head together. And that's just, yeah, it was fucking, it was a weird thing. Like after the adrenaline dump was like, Oh my God, grim. I know I'll be honest. The worst thing about it was like, I didn't want to go out. I felt got dead paranoid. They want to go out the houses.

I felt like everyone was going to obviously everyone was gone fucking. I felt like I was going to be like, Oh, fucking you got your head punched in and like laughing at me. People were dead. Nice to be fair to me face. Oh, you least you got in there. Obviously online people are cunts. But it doesn't matter.

Whatever you do, someone's a dick about. How were you beforehand? What was the level of nerves as you were going into it? I swear I was honestly, I was that scared. I did not get in my car and drive anywhere without genuinely having the sensation. I, if I just crash this car, nobody can call me a shit house. If I just drive this car into this wall, I won't hurt myself that much. I can get out of the fight and no one can call me a shit house. Cause I was fucking, it's just fucking, it's just, it's not even the fight itself. It's like the whole make the weight cut. I don't think I've ever, ever felt worse in my life. But you said you never want to try and get a six pack ever again. Cause it's not even

like having a normal six pack is bad enough. But then going from that six pack and losing eight kilos in like five days, just not eating anything, just drinking like 10 liters of water and then stopping and just dehydrating yourself in a sauna and a sauna blanket and a bath over and over again. Yeah. I swear I say in the bit I swear I was sat in a sauna. I was licking those little beads of sweat running on and I was licking them off because they were the most delicious thing I could remember tasting. Is the only bit of salt I've had in fucking about a week. I was like, Oh, sorry. Can I come back for a run into our flat? Is dog Perry started on my face salty nap, bro. So you don't fight them. I've still been training.

I mean like I'm never there. I never fight again. I'm fucking 42. I don't fight them. I've still been training. I mean like I'm never there. I never fight again. I fucking 42. I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Look, look steep. Hey, my usage for the last week. I thought there was like, shouldn't be fighting a 42. What the fuck was I thinking? Stupid guns. Here's an interesting question then given all of that, if you consider cause cause that's proper anxiety that that's like not suicidal level thoughts, but like the idea of being in your car, even remotely contemplating, I'm going to put this in the wall and hurt myself

so that I can get out of this. That is as close to the most extreme level of anxiety as most people ever get. People will never, there'll be people watching this who've never experienced that, right? So you went through all of that in a buildup to this fight. You go through that fight, you've lost. And then you've got the anxiety afterwards

of people sort of taking a piss or saying something to your face and not wanting to leave the house. Given all of that, two questions and they're similar but slightly different. One, do you regret it? And two, would you go back and do it again? I wouldn't change it.

And I think, yeah, if I, because I met some amazing people and obviously we raised a lot of money for the charity and stuff, which I would definitely just do again. Um, yeah. And they can't like, although obviously I got my head smashed in, I'm a lot better at fighting than I was. So that might come in handy at some point. Yeah. And like, although obviously I got my head smashed in, I'm a lot better at fighting than I was. So that might come in handy at some point. Yeah. And I got in the best shape in my life and it did. It did do me over the span of a year and continuing like meeting the people I met, like Tom has done a lot of good for me. Like with torn and stuff like

to having that little routine and having that place to go to. So it does, it is a net positive. And as I said, they've got a good bit of material out of it. But yeah, the anxiety was fucking having that little routine and having that place to go to. So it is a net positive. And as I said, I got a good bit of material out of it. But yeah, the anxiety was fucking not good. No. Yeah, especially afterwards. Like I had to do, I was booked, so I had the tour show three days later in Aberdeen.

And I was like, in there as well, I remember thinking when he hit me, fuck, if he breaks me jaw, now I can't do this to our show. And I was like, shit, I've got still like shows how professional you are though. Cause I think most people in that moment would think I don't have to go to Aberdeen here. But after I was like, I was terrified. So I was terrified of like, I thought I can't get on. I was really scared about getting on stage.

I thought it's just going to fucking heckle the fuck out of me. I can't say anything to it. I can't take the piss out of everyone. Cause they're just going to be like, shut up you dickhead, you got your head smashed in. So I just had to get it out of me. And that's where, so I just, I just ended up riffing this bit about it. So I just went on and talked about it,

which obviously that bit is, that was the last tour. That bit's in this show, but I thought I won't have to do it. So like the end of last, the last tour had that bit in its kind of infancy. Yeah. Is this just a standalone challenge thing that you, someone offered at you or did you want it? I was fucking Milo. Right. Fucking Milo McKay cause he got fucking knocked out. He was like, Oh, you should get knocked out as well. Are you going to do that? Did you not see Milo Milo done one? Didno done Monday? He only he done a white collar and got fucking, she made the

mistake of fucking it and a dead good fighter too hard. And this fucking fella just fuck ironed them out. Um, I didn't know about that. I see Milo yesterday. Troy Hawke by the way. If you want to know, yeah. So he, he, the guy, a friend of his called Brian Lease, he used to be a comedian. He's commentator for Octagon. Yeah, and he was here last time. Yeah, so he put him in touch with me and he was trying to talk me into it for ages. And then he flew me out to fucking Bano, which is like in Czech Republic, got me pissed. And I was like, yeah, sound out there with a fucking great fucking challenge.

Fucking Bano. Bano, yeah. Is there any, is that, so you're not fighting again, but could you see yourself doing another challenge? Because we've just come back from India and there was elements of that ride that I... Dan got knocked out out there as well. I got punched out.

One of the street kids just caught him, you know what I mean? I thought, fuck, at least I don't have to go to Aberdeen. I wasn't even booked for Aberdeen. I think having something like that is good. Like I really, I was going to do the London marathon next year. I got, so I got a place on that, but then I was like, I fucking hate running and I realized I would have had to do it. The AO arena finished drive to London overnight and then do the London marathon. I thought that's probably not the best idea. But that thing of having something to look forward to something to train for definitely the London marathon. I thought that's probably not the best idea. But that thing of having something to look forward to, something to train for. Definitely good.

Do the Liverpool half at me. I've got a target for this year as well. I want to finish it without falling over. So I'll do the Liverpool half. 23rd of March. I've been trying to get Carl to do it as well, but he's been a big shithouse. I'll be in Werdum two weeks later. Oh, so you'll be in the best shape of your life. I'll already be in a good shape. I'll never fall over. What are you going to do to train to get into good shape? I'm going to knock on a run. I hate running. I hate running. No one likes

running. No, you do. I don't know. I'm with him. Sorry. Did you say the 23rd of March? Yeah. We're in London. You know, shit. I'll have to do it around on. I'm just going to do the live pool. I feel London. So I've just signed up to live own. I need an agent. I need an agent to sort my diet. This is a fucking shit joke. I'm going to Glasgow. I'm doing the Liverpool life. You're in London a week before. Did you not message her? No, I have messaged her. No, you haven't. I definitely messaged her about that at the time. No, you never. Okay. It's changed. Oh, I'm going. No, you told me not to invite them. Specifically bad. This is just cause I lost one fight. I was watching it go on. Actually, it's embarrassing. I can't have him on the stack. It was Istanbul and then I don't know what it is. Where are we going? It's just going to be, when is it? We don't know. And

we don't know. That's why you're an invited. Cause I don't know anything, but it's some combination of London, Liverpool marathon, Aberdeen, Sunderland or Istanbul Istanbul or potentially a country event in Glasgow. He wants to do what you did, but in Spain, not necessarily Spain, but I want to get, I want to get a gaff, the castle, a gaff with the boys, just with the sun. I have to admit that. a gaff with the boys, just with the sun in the sky. I have to admit that. That's that's the sound. That's the sound. It was insane. There was a child. Do you remember the child? Adam Staunton? Oh yeah. Yeah. That's not a lie. Hang on. It wasn't a child. It was well, he's eight. I'm going to say 18 for legal purposes. Yeah. I think he was lying. You stole him from a nightclub, not a park. Well, we stole him from the street. Right. The nightclub. Right. That's just as

good as the nightclub in the taxi. But he's got a story forever. I don't know if he believes. I think it should go on the record just for future reference. Paul didn't fuck this kid. No, you do have to say that he came with his own record. He told Paul he was 18 and he just wanted some cocaine. No, he wanted MDMA. He wanted it. And to see Rob Thomas topless. No one wanted that. If he met us on the street, he probably had already seen that before he agreed to come back to the castle. I remember walking down in the morning. This kid was asleep on the couch and sound was yet was asleep. Perfectly sat up. He went, hello. That was a mad gaff. We weren't even in the mag gaff because he was like a split. Wasn't that? Yeah. We were in the kids and like the, we had the good boys tagged to us. Yeah. I had, I fully had the bat. Oh, there was a, there was a drugs wing and a non drugs

wing. No, there was a level above that. There was a drugs wing and then whatever the room he was in Pablo sweet. Hey, I was fucked. We was not on lines that. There was a drug swing and then whatever the room he was in. Pablo sweet. Hey, I was fucked. We was not in lines of MDMA off a Bible. Jesus Christ. Constantly though for three days. I didn't we for three days. I'd meet and I swear like me and other people we know who did the same thing. I don't think I've ever been right since like mentally brain chemistry. When you get like brain fizzes. Yeah. One of the lads at your wedding was still wobbly from it. At least. I mean, I only spoke to one, but he was like, I haven't been right since. I think I know. Yeah. That's it. Why did we go to hospital? Yeah.

You wouldn't say, can you, I know you're talking to you wouldn't say, I want to say I didn't want to take it. We didn't go home. You didn't mention. There was no arguments. We stayed in a day's in, in Lancaster, which was always going to happen. And I was like, just get them back to Liverpool. I was like, I'm not going to Liverpool. I could just see you getting more and more angry because everyone was like, and then Cause everyone was charmed after that, going I've got an idea. And I was like, I'm the one trying. And then Paul, everyone was out saying pure stuff and he was like, no, no. And then Paul

Milo just went at it. Milo, leave me alone. Yeah. This wasn't a drug injury. I bet it was. He smashed his knee on a big rock. He was fucking backwards mate. Yeah. Horrific weekend. No honor. Oh, that's great. Yeah. All things considered. It is the best shot, you know, having a Airbnb or rental place as the base and then going out if you want to go out, but then you don't have to do hotels. Everyone's like, it's a great shot. Especially if you like, cause like if you, if you're concerned about people filming you're fucking like you're all kind of recognizable now. And so I wouldn't go out in England. Yeah. I just think. But you remember what it was like when we went to pub in Tenerife?

We got stopped every five minutes. Even like Amsterdam, I went to Amsterdam on a stag day the week and I was like fucking, there's so many selfies of fucking me like fucking sauce on my face. Do you enjoy going somewhere you don't get recognized or do you miss it? A bit of both. I enjoy it for a minute and then I fucking hate when I don't get, hang on. Yeah. When I don't get preferential treatments in a restaurant. Like have you been to state get me Instagram messaging them on Instagram going, I'm just might be coming

down in a minute. Get the Michelin mass ready. Have you been in the States much? Uh, I went to Disney world last year. You got recognized in the state. Yeah. Loads though. I like a fucking the maddest, like a 60 year old orange County sheriff. I love your stuff, man. I don't think what are you doing watching me on tech talk? You're losing. I was your water hole. You know me. I love how you done the little draws. It's unmet. Do you ever feel that? What? Do you ever get pissed, like not pissed off, but I remember he should not be named out

a bit about being not famous in America and people like oh you must love it and he's like I fucking hate it. You saw him at the rapist Russell Brand. Yeah, right. Yeah I Don't miss it at all. Not not at all. Not at all No, but also I don't get as many benefits as he does. You know me in so like There's the odd pub over here where if I go in, they'll just do me Guinness a bit quicker than they normally would.

And I'm happy with that. That's genuinely enough for me. But like, I've spoke about it in therapy, like the idea that I'm constantly like, cause more people don't let on them do, whether they like you or dislike you or whatever. If you're in a pub with a hundred people and 10 people ask for a picture, another 30 know who you are and have an opinion dislike you or whatever. If you're in a pub with 100 people and 10 people ask for the picture,

another 30 know who you are and have an opinion one way or another. And the feeling of constantly having people being like, fucking hell, right over there. I hate it. Like it really makes me really like socially anxious. And I've got it under very good control, but it's something that is obviously there

because I've had full therapy sessions about it. And when I'm in a place where I don't feel like that's happening at all. Like I'm a lot calmer with it. Yeah, that's ruined Amsterdam for me that a little bit. Yeah, because I went to Amsterdam last year. I was in a pot cafe and I had half a joint and I was like, got really paranoid. And it felt like everyone was going.

And then I said to me, Mr. Listen, I know I'm being paranoid there, but I just need to go for the walk, go back to the hotel for a bit. She was like, son. And then I got back to your hotel and I'm fucking 15 people mess with me going, I've just seen you in the park. I've had a 40 fucking world looking at me. So now that's a new level of paranoia that cause you don't know whether you're actually being paranoid anymore. After the whole pod team went to Nashville last year, me and Jack went to New York for three days on like the way home. and we were in a dive bar in Brooklyn at like half two in the morning.

And there was seven to eight people in this bar. Most of them were playing pearl. There was one fellow sat at the bar and I went to the bar to get me in him a beer. And the fellow goes, Adam Rowe, I love you. And that's when I went, oh, this can happen anywhere in the world now.

If I'm in the most famous city on the planet, which is littered with famous faces and they see famous people every day and I'm in a bar with next to no people and there's just one fellow at the bar who knows me and he's a native. Like to me, it was just like, that was the moment where I was like,

this could be anywhere in the world. And it happened when we were in Nashville again this year when me, Jack and Alfie went at the stadium show we went to, the CMA Fest stadium show, someone on the stairs asked me for a picture there at the very back of the stadium show. We got it in Vegas. Remember in Vegas?

So like there's an anxiety that comes with that at all times. And the more I feel like, like I had no anxiety the entire time we were in India. And a lot of that is to do with the mental health benefits of the group mentality and the fact that we're doing a lot of exercise and stuff. But I reckon I hadn't even thought,

was it till right this second, a big part of that will be- No, they're certainly not looking at you. No, or they're certainly not looking at me because I'm that comedian guy, because I'm a white No, they're looking at you. No. Oh, they're certainly not looking at me because I'm back a comedian guy. It's just because I'm a white man. Be sick of someone. Adam Rowe. Like all the kids was like Adam Rowe.

And then punch me. Where's Adam and Carl's fun house coming? Bang me out. One day. Just let me die first, yeah? Yeah, that's what I mean. Oh, yeah, yeah. Six years away then. But it will be the die first. Yeah. That's what I mean. Oh yeah. Yeah. Six years away.

But it will be the next week. No. I'll break. Are you the same age? I'm a year older than Paul. Same birthday though. Same birthday. Yeah. 15th of March. You're always really sweet about that. You always say me happy birthday. Cause I always remember. This is my birthday. Yeah. No, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Alexander Hamilton always text me. I always think that I think we've got the best comedian birthday. Why? I just think like if I like, if you had to pick a, if you had to get a lineup from your birthday, is it me? Is it me supporting you? What is it? Famous double headliner. You're on there. Famous birthdays. It shows you like you like you the most famous poll or like the fourth most famous poll and like the most famous Capricorn

or it's got like weird rankings. That's not Paul Smith. I know. He's a concert Paul Smith comedian. It's good clubber though. You are not on there, but he is. I wait to that. I'm not a Wikipedia page either because all he does is cry. Real comics. So you're the 64,000th most popular celebrity. You're the second of January 11th comedian. Number one, Consuelo Duval. Oh no, no Consuelo. Didn't know you had Consuelo. You're above John Sessions though. Who's that?

The guy from the back in the day. You are the last name row number 10. Don't know any of the others. And in terms of Capricorn 34th, Steve Harvey's number one. Everyone born on my birthday is a Capricorn. Yeah. Capricorn comedians. Steve Harvey's number one. That's good to know. Get yourself on now. Good stats there. I don't know why I'm not on there. That is insane. I said it would be if he put himself on there. Someone pointed out that I don't have a Wikipedia page and I was like, do you have to make yourself a Wikipedia page? And I thought I'm not making myself a Wikipedia page. Who made yours? I mean people who work

for, I'm guessing now someone is listening to this. Someone made me want to, I mean, Chris miles was the one who pointed out. And so he said that on then someone's made it. Someone got me Paul Smith Wikipedia. Now please. It's just below the fucking. What's happening? It's time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor at Nord VPN. And if you go to NordVPN.com slash have a word, you'll get an extra four months on the two year plan. And it's a no risk guarantee with NordVPN's 30-day money back guarantee. Dan, why would you use a VPN?

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Free mate. Worldwide lads. Senator Botswana if you want. Shave their balls. Is that where Auntie Mary is? Botswana? I don't know. Manscaped. And we are back part four of four with this have a word podcast episode with Paul Smith, comedian, boxer friend. I know it's sorry, it was UFC, wasn't it?

Yeah. Oh, it was MMA. Sorry. Mixed martial artist. Shagger. What would yours be? Would yours be podcast a comedian friend? Snake Enthusiast. Gotta be comedian first.

Comedian, podcaster. I think, I think... Raconteur. I think it would be a sad day if you had to, you swapped it around. You've got to, you're a comedian first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If this ended, whether it's tomorrow or in 10 years, I'm going to be a comedian. Yeah. If someone comes up and says, Hey, what do you do? You're going to go home. What do you think you've done more often for

the last six months? Podcast. You're a podcaster. Yeah. But so you identify, you can identify as whatever you want. I'm a juggler. I'm a juggler. I'm Phil. I'm two bottles. I don't have to juggle to be a juggler. You can still do comedy though. Also we didn't say good juggler. Yeah. Yeah. I want to see him badly juggler actually for him. That's what he's doing at hot water later. He's a book juggler. That sounds like a long book. That is a slur. A book juggler. On your bike you book juggler bastard. Gay librarian.

Yeah he's a book juggler now. Sounds like a bento colt. And I mean like a crooked no. Yeah, yeah, we got it. We got it. I just, you know, we're going to do some when I walk into room 102. What about I also identify as Malaysian? We're not going to do room 102 this week.

We're going to do something else. We're going gonna do Room 102 this week. We're gonna do something else. We're gonna do the actor studios questions for you. Okay. James Lipton. Very famous selection of questions. You ask all the guests. It's James Lipton. He's very famous. You've never seen the actor studios?

Bearded Guy looks a bit... Inside the actor studios. Inside the actor studios. It's a really good show. And actually the best episode I think is Kevin Spacey before all the stuff comes out. But if you can go back and enjoy it, and imagine he's not someone

who was accused of fucking little boys, then it's really good. We have been on that line today, haven't we? In that video. And he asked all the guests, and they're all really nice questions, insightful as well. So Paul Smith, this is your Inside the Comedian studio.

What is your favourite word? Fuck. Oh, insightful. Fuck. I'd have to be fuck. It's the most used. Most used. Oh, I thought you were saying that like because you weren't prepared for the question. No, that's the most useful word. It's versatile, isn't it? Yeah. Is it your favourite one though, or is it just because you... If I... Yeah, I think so because it's the one I would least like to lose. What is your least favourite word? Don't say moist. I don't know.

I hate the word snot. Do you hate snot or do you hate the word snot? The word golly. Golly. Yes. He golly all horrible in it. That's not right. As in spits, right? There's a word that comes after that. This word. That is scouslang. What turns you on? You. He's making a lot of eye contact. I feel like there's no more mental with me. If I wasn't making eye contact, what turns you on? I'll come everywhere. You really fix. You really, really. Where do you want me to say to you? What you want me to say to you? Yeah. Yeah. I think it is. Yeah. Now that, now that it's not like mommy, mommy play. Yeah. Amongst other things. Hang on mommy. I've got, I'll go through phases. Are we going like also it didn't have to be sexual. And on the thing it was like, what it's like, Oh, listen, what podcast do you think you're on? It was also like what like gets you going.

Also, mommy play just someone going, Hey, come on. You know, mommy loves that. That's that's kind of mommy play. It's not full to say mommy. Mommy play sounds like she's making you a pack lunch and setting you off to work. She's like, like breastfeeding and calling it a good boy. And now she was showed up. He loves it as a breastfeeding. Do you remember when we went for a beer? Um, I can't remember what, what, what night it was, but we were having a beer and he was like, and we ended up like in a similar conversation and he was like, yeah, yeah. We were talking about that when you were on with Laurie on the pod and you were like, I saw your eyes light up. Cause we were obviously having a chat like, and Paul saw his face going, he's not, he's

not even joking. We know this is true. What turns you off? Um, daddy play. Now that does it for me as well. So if I'm on a hangover, I'll do, I'll go ahead. Um, I dunno what turns me off. Uh, probably like pain and like way and poo and anything messy like that. Not into that. I'm going to shame. I don't like poo. I don't mind accidental poo. If I'm bombing you and you shit the bed, that's not anyone's fault. Yeah, no, that's fair. No, that's just, that's funny. And it was crap. It's just the way every time you say that, I know what you mean, but it sounds like you're doing a little bit of bombing and then there's just this like biblical flood of shit. I tell you what girl, you were backed up. You're welcome. I've been there. What sound or noise do you love? What sound or noise do I love? My car.

Oh, good answer. Which one though? You've got some V10. Yeah, you've won that game, haven't you? My Audi A8 sounds all right. Don't think it sounds Lamborghini good. I like the sound of a distant lawnmower in the summer. And the smell of cut grass. But I hate it. A lawnmower too close. It's so beautiful. There's a lawnmower in my backyard. I haven't got grass. Get out. You're not far enough away. Yeah. This is the lawn mower in the summer is beautiful. I think. Yeah. I hate that. It's it. Cause I associate that with having bad eyes. So that's like my crypto. Why is that? Cause I've got allergies. Like I'm allergic to cause you couldn't see the It's far away, Finn. And you're staring at the fence.

I can hear it. Where is it? I must be blind. I can hear that guy. All of these need a bit of context, don't they? A distant lawn mower is nice, but at like 3am you'd be like someone needs to die. No, that's respected, I think. A distant Lormo at 3 a.m. would probably like send me to sleep. That'd be quite nice.

A Lormo in my bedroom, that would do me head in. What sound do you hate? I fucking Lormo in your bedroom. Fly my lawn pet. The sound I hate is a Lorma that's too close. The next one is what sound or noise do you hate? Sound or noise to a hate. As a comedian, the sound of silence is always a bit of a rough one.

Yeah that is a bit of a bad one. Genuine talking. That little dull chatter is the worst. Emptying the bottle bin while I'm on stage. Oh, in a poorly run comedy club when the bar staff are like, oh, the show starts, does it? Well, we should probably just put all of this glass down this chimney. Then what are we meant to do? We've got a bar to run. The new member of staff that's twatting glasses. Bottle bin being emptied during the show. That's the way I sound. Yeah. That's such bad. I want a punch line as well. That little sound of like, you know, at the end of your

sentence when the sounds not quite right and they go, that little touch of feedback. Oh, like in a big space. Yeah. Oh, there's so many comedy ones, but that the chatting that everyone at the back won't be able comedy ones, but that the chatting that everyone at the back won't be able to hear, but you can hear and it makes you look like your dick when you go, what are you talking about? And at the back going, God, he's got fucking egg y death for no reason. It's ruined my experience because, because that was my job to stop people talking. If I go to live events now and someone's talking, I'm like, just do it. Cause my brain wants to go tell them to shut up, but I can't cause I don't work there. But it's ruined

it for me as well. Annoyingly. There's so many with comedy people who laugh wrong. Yeah. That might be worse than talking about. I had a woman, I felt really bad cause I had a woman like that to the day. Like, but genuinely had the worst laugh, but she was just, just like a jolly middle-aged woman with a son and she was just loving it though. But like properly loving it. And everyone that it was just so, it was one of them where

it's a bit of a bad situation cause she laughs and everyone's laughing and they're laughing. Which is really fun the first few times. I was thinking, I don't know how the fuck I'm gonna get away with this. Yeah. Come back after the break and it stopped. And I thought, and apparently I got a message off his son after it go and some woman had turned around and told us to shut up. And she sat there. She's nearly crying for the whole show and I felt dead bad then. So I was like this

poor woman kind of that. She's just got a mad laugh and I felt really bad about it. Yeah. So Sue, you keep being you girl. Who's Ronaldo? A sound I love in a comedy club is when people laugh and then repeat a word from the joke in the laugh. It's just such a great... Like when you really get someone and they go... Like and then say a word from the bit. Escalator. Why was that the first word? Have you not seen my new escalator? Have you not seen my new escalator? Have you not seen my new escalator bit?

Flying, mate. I have not been gigging. Up and down. Just quickly... Nope, okay. I didn't like that noise. Do I like that noise here sometimes? No, I don't. I then need to fill it with something else. Ah, but it's like...

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? I think I, if I didn't do this, I think I'd quite like to be a barber. It just seems like I've been going to the same barbers for a long time and I like being in there. Where'd you go, Paul? Yeah. Same as these. Well, Adam doesn't go, Adam's not very popular anymore because he's not enough. Oh, you know, cause I, you feagled it and went to fucking, yeah. What it was is that him and Anthony doesn't work there anymore. I had a conversation when he was moving into town and Adam said, I will never betray you guys and go to a different barber. Then the week after went to fucking barber. Does that sound a little bit like his side of the story?

It does sound like his side of the story. I'm on it on good authority. Adam said, look at me. I will never betray you. I put my hand, I bleed on this Hawke and Barbers. Strike me down, Vishnu. Well, this is all I've been told. And you tell him how you take it on Facebook. And I've told everyone else since. I did tell him that he had nothing to worry about. I didn't promise to the degree he's giving you.

I remember the conversation. He was like, cause I mentioned I was moving and he was like, oh, fucking hell. He's like, you're not going to be here anymore. Are you going to be one of those fucking fancy ones in town? You fucking, and I went, don't be daft lad. I was like, my dad still lives here. I'll be coming to see my dad.

Like I'll just get my hair cut when I come and see my dad. Like when I'm down in West Arby. And he was like, yeah, whatever. And I was like, I swear. And me a coat and I come and see me dad. Like when I'm down in West Abbey and he was like, yeah, whatever. I was like, I swear. And he was like, fuck off, lads. He was right. And then he was right here. Josh has gotten a barber, barber though.

He's not, he's shit. Josh is shit. He can't cut hair. He can't cut hair. Josh is terrible. He's a terrible barber. You're like, oh yes. Terrible barber. Stop booking him.

He's hard to get appointments. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, what the fuck are you saying? I was thinking fucking hell for Josh. Absolutely dog. She has to do not go. Oh, I did have to Joe who I've been going to for about 10 years who I don't cause I don't even know me own haircuts.

He just does it. And he was away in Jamaica and I had me mate's wedding. So I had to go to one of them ones in town and he did do like a mad head massage fucking threaded me face fucking steamed. It was there for an hour. I swear it is the close. Not like I've had a few take his massages. I mean, Mrs. Always goes, do you want to get a happy end then? I couldn't imagine anything worse after the Turkish. I mean, after a time I saw sorry, then getting a fucking done that woman give you the one cause they're so rough. This Turkish barber, if either just slipped his hand down my pants,

I'd have quite happily let him wipe me off. This is what we do in town. He had the softest hands. That's why they have the cape. Oh mate, I swear he was massaging me. And I was thinking, fuck man. He is sexy as fuck. This guy is class.

National pride on his face. Mate, they are good, man. Although, they are good, man. I was telling Paul before there is a Turkish man that isn't happy with them. So it might be my dad. So my, my mom is, I reckon Paul's, if we're on Spotify wrapped in Paul's 0.1 top percent fans, that that didn't make any sense. She just passed away. She goes, she got dementia. He does the same tour in real and she'll go to every show. Um, and she's changed her profile picture on Facebook recently to a picture of her and

Paul and I got a phone call from my dad. I got a phone call from my dad. I went, who is your mom? New fancy man. I was mom's new fancy. Who is it? I said, I went, what are you talking about? I checked Facebook. I was just like laughing. I said, what are you talking about? I checked Facebook. I just started laughing. I said he should get a picture of me and him later than go to start with me and his dad. I'll take a picture on your phone. Change your profile picture to this just to really start fucking with your dad. How would you do that? Oh no, man, man. Oh, that's a fatherly, uh, for the audio listeners, there's a picture being taken. Why am I getting jealous?

Of Paul. What profession would you not like to do? Anything in an office. Static. Static, static. Yeah. Anything where you know, you know, like, no, it's gotta be some good jobs in offices. Yeah.

I think if you know exactly what you're going to be doing tomorrow, like I don't know that you could say that I was a job to an extent. Or this time next year. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like if you can just see the rest of your life pretty much. I I just don't know why I just, I think I just do myself.

Working infinitely seems mad. Like you're like three teachers of like you work a term and you're off and like your job is you work randomly. They just work infinitely. There's no like, Oh, and then we do this and we stop. Yeah. I suppose it's Christmas in the Christmas is the book end of every year. Everyone's got time off. But then it just starts again, the same. Yeah, totally. Made the circuit started feeling like that for me. I started getting, looking down the long tunnel of like,

oh, I'm not progressing here. This is gonna be me. And even though I love standup and it's a great job, but like a combo of the travel and the repetition of being back at the same gigs and dealing with the same, like crowds pretty similar to how they've always been saying Friday night, Saturday night issues, same quiet ones on a Thursday, whatever. And I got a little bit of the, the fear. Yeah. Yeah. Like a year, year and a half before this,

when Etta was born, it got in my head. I was like, am I going to be away all the time? Yeah. I think kids don't like when George is born, I did the same thing. And was born, it got in my head. I was like, am I going to be away all the time? Yeah. I think kids doing it. Like when George is born, I did the same thing. And was like, I went back to uni because I was like, I need to do something else. Cause this is just fucking lazy. I think that's just like a, like, like the male version of a nest and instinct that maybe I don't know. I mean, I'm not fucking psychologist, but I think that's something to do with that. You've got to provide. Yeah. You want to be a home stable father. Yeah. You did philosophy. Didn't you? That's what you said. Well, I did a year and a half of a philosophy degree. That's still a long time. Yeah. Good.

Who's your favorite philosopher? Doing that to Paul is so beautiful. Yeah. Comparing the chat. I don't know. I quite like a manual can't. Oh yeah. Well, I just think it's an interesting thing that I can't get me a drum because he, so Kant is like the ontology. So he says things like lying is always wrong, which I don't necessarily agree with, but I agree with his argument for it. Okay. So like his argument, so his argument is a slippery slope. So he says, if someone comes to your door and like you answer the door and they're like, help me. Someone's trying to murder me and you let them in and then the murderer knocks at the door and says, has someone just come here? You should go. Yeah. Yeah. But like his arguments, his argument.

Yeah. So I know what they would agree with that. But his argument is that if once you start lying, then every incrementally more and more lies become acceptable to the point where there's no, there's no, there's no line, no line can be drawn. So there's no morality anymore. But surely you can draw a line. Can't you not where though? Cause everyone, everyone decides with their own line is the morality line just keeps getting. Yeah. Everyone can decide where their own line is so that people can just keep pushing it and pushing it and push it. And then so that therefore there's no morality anymore. I'm a big fan of lying. I am a big fan. I don't necessarily what I mean, I don't necessarily agree.

But like I do like his arguments. That's why the invention of Lion film was such a good premise. But I think they just skewed it by they made it. They made it. They just made it the opposite of manners. People just came out and blurted out whatever they thought. That's not the opposite of lying. But the idea of the film was great. Yeah. Why a lion as well. Yeah. Lie is an absolute classic. But I think it's a really like my kids lie and I think it's dead funny. And I think it's

a sign of intelligence. Like Alex lies. Like he started pretending to be sick so he can get out of school and just saying, my mouth's not working properly. She's tried so many of them now and that was probably my favourite one. Not going to be able to answer any questions dad, look I can't even put me out. That's literally what he said, literally I can't, my mouth's not working properly so I won't be able to answer the teacher. What do you do there? And I was like, you're speaking.

Do you call them out? Yeah, I call them out on that but I do let him off with a few. But you always know. Yeah. Yeah. I'm 80 fucking. So he was black and I could tell now she starts, he started getting onto the fact he has to like lay the ground where a couple of days before comes in the kitchen. The day before going, he's realized a tummy aches, probably the best one. So he's like, oh, my tummy's not feeling too good, you know. I think I'll be all right tomorrow. But like, just let you know. Yeah.

Put you on one. Yeah. Yeah. And then you'll go in the night. And then how old is he? He's nine. No, I like it, though. I like the smart. That is quite a lot of like forward thinking. Yeah, that's long game for a nine year old. So I knew he wanted to get off school. And so he'd come back to his mom, his mom let him stay off. She was like, he's saying he's really sick. And I was like, he has been

laying that on for a couple of days. She went, sorry, Kevin, my school turns out I got it out of him. This is fucking heartbreaking. He was supposed to get a play, right? And he did the one to go in and do the play. Cause the line they give him was Ken Dodd was one of the funniest people who's ever lived. Um, he, one of the greatest comedians, this Liverpool has ever produced. And he didn't want to say that line because he thought it would upset me. No, that's the line he's fucking got. I didn't want to disrespect your legacy. I'm fully respected. I found the line in his bag. I was like, what's this? He's printing his 60 chest. I know, he had to say that in 60 chest.

I know what, I'd fully respect, I'd go, you know what, you don't have to go back to school, you are clever enough. In the school nativity. It's a weird line in the nativity, I don't know, dad, just give me it, you know? And I'd say, don't disrespect my father, or I'm not coming in.

That's so true. Working great. He is a clever kid. That's the only acceptable time where your kid can be in school, get given an assignment and go, do you know who my dad is? Yeah. Why the fuck have they given him that line? He must have known. He'd done that to me, my Adam. Would you ever say, listen, I know you're not well, but tell me why you're in real charge of matter. Or would you tell him lie? Like if he goes, oh, my belly's sore, you're like, all right, stay off then. No, I mean, if I know he's blatantly taking the piss,

I'll go out. You'll be all right. You'll still have to go in. You can't be a parent who goes, right, yeah, you're off. Yeah, yeah. There's gotta be some blind draw. Because they never go to school. Yeah. That's why we're just- Oh, you keep them off, but then you give them awful stuff to do that day Yeah, there's gotta be some. Because their life's fucking never go to school. Yeah.

Or you keep them off, but then you give them awful stuff to do that day while they're off. That's a pain in the arse. 2000 press ups. They're not well though. That's what you do when you're sick. They don't know what being not well is like unless you teach them. I can't. Good luck future Adam Rose son.

I remember saying to mum once. Yeah, he's fucking puking but he's ripped so think. I've said this before I remember saying to my mom when I was not well I was like mom if you take you know if you take tablets but you're not not well is anything gonna happen? My mom's a nurse and she went no you'll be fine. She was like why have you got something to say and I was like nah I'm not well me. One more of these and it's you know obviously you've done a year and a half of philosophy. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Come in. I am eight. What's your name? Come in. Adam's not here. I think that's a part of everyone.

Thank you for having me guys. Paul, we love having you. Our first ever filmed episode, wasn't it? Yeah. Back in 1974. Yeah. Merch is now on sale. HaveAWordPod.com. And it's class.

Also on HaveAWordPod.com, you can get tickets to the Murderers Row Stand Up Tour, which is flying. Not many tickets left. Well over 75% sold. So if you do want to be there, there's not going to be any dates added now. That is all that's left, I believe. I've never been more excited for a thing that we've done. I think it's going to be unbelievable. And if you haven't yet, please go and join all the people who've watched

my latest stand-up special. I'm starting to put more clips out now. It is doing faster numbers than anything else I've ever put out, including Juicy, which I'm quite surprised by. And people seem to be really loving it. Very proud of it. It looks class. It sounds class. The audience on the night was a brilliant and the room is one of the best I've ever done stand up in. So that is on youtube.com slash have a word pod. If you've got dementia and you want to buy tickets for Paul Smith, are they still available? Yeah, but I don't know. I think so. I love how laid back about you. You are about like the level of success. You're like, yes. I don't think you need to be getting with the full poem. There's more shows going in all the time. So if you can't get them now,

try next week. Yeah. 240 is just not enough on one. So mental. We got a song to wrap this one up. Adam, not gonna lie, I listened to it in the break. I think you'd actually really like this. It's very country, but it is the funniest name I think we've ever had. So this is from Doggie La Bosch. And the name of the song is? Parakeet. But genuinely, you'll really like it. Doggie La Bosch. Hello ladies and gentlemen, we are Doggie La Bosch and this is Parakeet. Is Doggie La Bosch a band or a man? What is a man?

I think it's a man. It's a man actually. It's a man actually. Cheers Paul, love you. Thank you. It's Doggie La Bosch for the audio listens. Your bed warm, I'll kiss your ass and I'll rub your feet Won't you be my parakeet so forget the bad times Roll on the good times, bust out the red wine Let's get fucked up, go get your shoes shined

Watch out for landmines, slice up green lines I'm stuck, topple and mine Slice of green lime But it ain't mine Won't you be my apple tree Won't you be my prickly pear Won't you be my bumbleolet bear? Won't you be my bumblebee? Be my honey bear, yeah You got my number on speed dial Call me up and I'll make you smile, yeah

Won't you be my papal tree? Won't you be my bricolet bear? So forget the bad times Roll on the good times Bust out the red wine Let's get fucked up, go get your shoes shined Watch out for landmines, slice up a green lime Put it in my, in my, in my, in my, in my, in my I never thought I'd to my hometown, show you how my friends get down yeah won't you be my puppy dog won't you be my puppy my head is fucked and my heart is good

i'm a real nice fella and a so can cook yeah won't you be my puppy dog won't you be my puppy so forget the bad times roll on the good times first I believe Why is it we should go? Go get your shoes shined Watch out for landmines I saw the real eye But it ain't mine