Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #307 with Jacob Hawley - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: December 16, 2024

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our brand new website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word: Murderers Row | https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/have-a-word-the-live-podcast-tickets/artist/5406541Comedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lids? Have you heard? We've got a brand new website. It's have a word pod.com and on our brand new website. We've got a brand new website. It's haveowardpod.com and on our brand new website,

we've got a brand new line of merch, T-shirts, hoodies, jumpers, hats, stickers, there's all sorts. And it's available right this second. Go to haveowardpod.com, get yourself some merch. And while you're there, you could also get tickets too. Murderers Row, we're doing a massive stand-up tour all around the UK and we're doing Dublin. It's me comparing the first section,

Adam comparing the second, and then we've got the best acts we know. People you'll recognise from the couch, some absolute killers from comedy doing stand-up. Proper stand-up tour. There's no podcast tour this year. We wanted to do stand-up with our mates, and we've come up with the Murderers Row standup tour.

Four special guests every night. Me and Dan doing a bit each as well. And obviously we're bringing all the lads down. We're gonna get Finn to sing at the end. It's gonna be absolutely class. And all the tickets and all the merch are at haveawordpod.com. And of course, if you love what you're watching,

patreon.com slash haveaword pod for loads of bonus content. But we'll tell you more about that a little bit later. Enjoy the episode. It's going to be a... It was good. Yeah, it was really good. It was class. Man, Sensei Kal and Finn, this is the one and only Have Award! Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomer.

Go Ed, get on me. Hello. Hey. Hello. Welcome to Have A Word. Can I blow all of your minds? Erm, go on. Regularly.

Jay Slater was this year. You know that kid who went missing in Tenerife? Yeah, go on. Regularly. Jay Slater was this year. You know, the kid who went missing in Tenerife. It was in the summer. Mind not blown. More, more mad to me was that the Willy Wonka thing was this year. I don't know what you're talking about. The Willy Wonka experience. Willy Wonka killed Jay Slater. No, that can't have. It was January this year. I thought it was a Christmas thing. January. Valentine's day. That was this year. Shut up. February. Here's another, your birthday. Everyone was this year. Yeah. Mad. Not my little brothers. That was last year. Cause he's, his birthday's Friday. Yeah. But I wasn't specifically, wasn't talking about your job. Obviously he said, I know we're going out. It's going to be a big night. Can't wait.

You go out for our Jacks birthday now. It is the opposite of a big night. It's in there by six after the Calvary. It's just been, hasn't it? 30 this Friday. Oh, I thought, oh shit. Yeah. In my head. I don't even know what day it is genuinely. He was born 12 days before Christmas. He's the start of Christmas. Me brother.

He was meant to be one Christmas day on the first day of Christmas. What does, what does truly gives me a part? He's a partridge in a pear tree. Oh, he's a boy from West Abbey. He's Jack from West Abbey. He's Jack from West Abbey. And he's just had a fucking cavalry. He's actually originally from Dorby. Oh, we know that mate. No need to do his heritage story.

Guess what me and Carl did yesterday? Had a big gay bear day. It wasn't gay. It was a big gay. Oh, right. I was being... It was the straightest day I think I've ever had. A man touched me up. A man touched me up. It wasn't the straightest day. That was when you got home, wasn't it?

Yeah, he was just an ass. Another tradesman. We went and got Carl's suit ordered. Oh, nice. At Thomas Green's wedding. Four and a half grand. So you went suit shopping? Went to Jeeves and Hawks in Chester.

Is it? By the way, pause, side note, people don't like it, is it? Oh, sorry. Yeah. I really apologize for talking. I think it's because you're not a black teenager. Is it? Have you been watching Top Boy recently? I think if you were a black teenager,

I think people might let it slide because you're a 43 year old father of Susan Lancashire and you're a white one. I don't think this podcast would have done five years if I was a black teenager. Just throwing it out there. I've heard Adam Rose started a podcast with a 14 year old black lad in Chester. Could have been 19. What? Could have been 19. No, but then I wouldn't be a teenager anymore.

Not anymore. Oh, don't get into it. I'm white, all right. Jeeves and Hawks in Chester. Oh really? That's interesting. Tell me more. By the way, there was a moment in there where I felt you got slightly disappointed for a second. You know when we first got sat down

and he was taking us through the stuff and you went to him, so how long you been doing this? Like fucking- Oh yeah, that did my head in. 40 years, because it was this hell fella. And the dream there is that he's dedicated his life, isn't it?

Oh, that he went into apprenticeship at like nine years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like he was given that vibe off. So he went, how old are you? And I was like, oh God, he's been doing it decades. Yeah. How long has he been doing it? First of all, that's a mad question, innit?

I was like, how long have you been doing this? And the fellow went, well, how old are you? I was like, why is that relevant? Like, at all. I didn't know if you could answer that. And then he went- It'd be mad if he went early October. And then he went 10 years.

Ow. That's still a fucking slog, man. He's been doing that less time than we've been doing stand up. Yeah. How many years ago I was in school. Oh yeah. But you're weird. When it was this, you know, he's probably early sixties maybe. So he's going to go up in doing it 30, 40 years. Been in my family. Just since 2014, we started this when this was all fields. We just started a fucking, yeah. That's what you wanted him to be. Yeah. J this was all fields. We just started a fucking, yeah,

that's what you wanted him to be. Yeah. Jeeves all, he wasn't, he was, he was Rob and he was great. Shout out Rob. I mean, it's still 10 years in a clothes shop is it's still quite a long time, but when you're talking about one of those old, he said he feels like all time, his whole life. Yeah. All right. Okay. He's been in retail his whole life. Like, right. He saw what was coming with Debenhams and made the switch. Nice. He could measure men though. Measurement. Not the straightest day you've ever had. They got Carlson standing exactly 10 yards. I was just going. Well he did. He walked up and went, you're on a 41. I don't usually buy that. I usually buy much bigger. He was like, you're wrong. And then he put it on and he was like, oh, you're right. Yeah.

You do know what you're talking about. Those 10 years count Rob. Yeah. Carl bought the very first jacket that he tried on. Yeah. That's just efficient shopping. Didn't Sarah could buy the first dress? Yeah. But she knew what dress she was buying. She went in to buy that dress. Carl bought the right jacket, but it was the first one he looked at. But it was the right jacket. What are we looking for? This is the one that I love. What's the point in going wasting everyone's time?

It was beautiful. Brilliant. I'd really respect that if I was with you. But you know, how could I have been out here when you're in Chester? I live in Sorghum. Which is like a nine minute drive. I can't be expected to get there. It's mad us being in the same city and not inviting you in.

It's mad that we've just been to Gravedigger's though. It's mad. It is. We just been the grave diggers though. Oh, you just went over to North Dublin. All right. Yeah. Um, yeah. In and out, about an hour and a half measured me off, picked me pants and then he told me the bill and that was funny. Um, but I just had to not act like a kid. I was like, Oh, lovely. Can I split that? Yeah. But what was it called again? You knew it was Jeeves. Yes. Jeeves is involved. Jeeves spelled G I E V E S. It's even worse. Not even like the fucking ask Jeeves. Did you ever get asked Jeeves? Were you still around? In Rill? Yeah, it did reach Rill. You don't But like was it, was Jeeves still fucking working back? Cause it's, he's had any-

Yeah, when I was younger. Yeah, when I was younger. Was it American, Ash Jeeves, or was it our attempt, was it a UK attempt at taking over Google? With a butler, yeah. No, I think the British one was, I'll have a look! Dot com. Still dot com, even though it's dot com in the UK. Good save, good save. I just want it to work better.

Sounds better. Ask Jeeves is still going. They've just rebranded. No, it's not. They've rebranded. No, it's not. I bet MySpace is still going. No one gives a fuck.

Fuck. Yeah, Ask Jeeves can't still be going if they've took Jeeves out of it. We're talking about specifically Jeeves, aren't we? No, I'm saying it's the same company. They just rebranded. Yeah, they've sacked Jeeves. That's all I was saying is Jeeves has been like fucking bang fucking bang bang. It's Rob Rob used to be asked Jeeves and now he's working Happened about ten years ago. It's one of them things where you don't ask the place

I mean nice spot to be in it. I don't know that no no no that isn't me saying I was we don't go is Mars paying for it for it? Is Mars giving you your suit money? Well, she's given me suit and photography money, so I'm having to put some more towards it now, because it's a bit more than I expected. But she's giving you an amount of money. She's giving me money towards the wedding. And you've decided, OK, right, right.

The photographer and suit. But now it's, but you don't want to be like, oh, and how much is that one? Because if you love it, it's an important piece of, you know, you don't, you know, in a shop like that, you've got to just like sort of suck it up. It's uncouth to ask. Yeah. Oh, I can't really like, um, it's beautiful.

It's perfect. Because he doesn't mention it. He doesn't tell you how much it is. No fucking. The time I mentioned it was on the screen. The first time I've been in one of them shops and not like walk past it and what looked in and being like they're all fucking NPCs. Surely there was a price though, if you'd have gone,

yeah, that's 40 grand that you'd have gone, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's got a budget and it's within his budget for shooting photography. It just means we're all gonna have to bring our own cameras. I know the shop, it's basically, it feels like it's going for landed gentry around the Cheshire area. Yeah, yeah.

Is it the Kingsman shop? Is it that? Yeah. It is the King, yeah. That's exactly what it is. In London near St. James's Palace, there's a street called German Street and it's got a few of them.

And there's like a cane store where they buy all the canes and then the suits and then there's like boots and it's nearly all broke. I'm running out of coke. What? You weren't looking for coke? Oh, just only cocaine. Cocaine.

It's all for the sort of old money. They've got one on Savile Road. This store has one on Savile Road too, which obviously gives them some credence, doesn't it? Cause you know, that's the gaff in it. So are you, what are you going for? Farmer Chic, why didn't you go to one of the designer gaffes that I would have expected?

Because with designer gaffes, you're paying for the label, you're not getting better quality. You're paying specifically so that it's got fucking Boss or Dior or whatever written on it. You don't want, like he will get a lot more suits for his money from a place like this. I looked at the prices and the prices for the

like the Dior jacket that I saw was more than what I got yesterday and I got pants and a good tailor like he's gonna I'm gonna get to go back and so he gives a shit and it's his job to develop relationships and stuff. All right will you be friends for life? When you're going back for the measuring that's key isn't it? Six weeks.

Hang on I thought you were you know you're all at the gym. Yeah well I said well you said six weeks it'll be ready um but he said basically two weeks before is when you want to get you said as Adam said maintain don't be losing weight or gaining weight like within two weeks of the wedding so I've got up until then really. I think I bought my jacket for the wedding literally about two weeks before because I was just I didn't know my weight changes. So yeah, but I also, I didn't go to Jeeves and fuckwits. What's the, what's the vibe?

Because Sarah could tell me the other day, it was a bit of a curve ball. She said, she essentially went, I want to see you in linen. Yeah. So the, the, the party, as in the wedding party is tuxes. So the groomsman are in black tuxes. I'm in white, I'm black, they're in black and white. And then everybody else is upstage, the bride.

So like common looks, don't be like- Question, sorry. You just said you're in white and black and wearing black and white. So are our pants white? You know what I mean? As in like jacket. So wearing black jackets, you're in a white jacket.

That's the only difference, innit? Yes. Right, so it's not white jacket. That's the only difference, isn't it? Yes. Right. So it's not white and black and black and white. Just for a second there, I had a moment where I was like, I'm going to a wedding with Italian food and I've got to keep white pants clean. Are you fucking joking, sir?

No, I remember Jackie. And then at the party, you're going to be like the man from Del Monte and just in linen. Do you mean in the evening? Listen, you know you're wedding better than me. There's three parties. Of course there you know you're wedding better than me. Of course there is. We're there for 17 months.

Technically four parties, but in the evening, I'm gonna have a nice shirt to change into because I don't want to be all constricted in a jacket. And so I can sort of- Are we encouraged to come out of our tuxes in the evening? Yeah, if you want to. Because the pictures are gonna look a bit odd if I've changed and used ovens.

So I don't know what you're wearing. You're wearing some kind of, I want you to be- Multi-colored robes. Joseph? Yeah. Oh, technical, the dream coat. I want you to look like- Different Joseph, actually.

But it's Joey from Friends. I want you to say that- Joey from Friends when he marries Monica and Chandler. I honestly thought you were doing a Joseph and the technical, the dream coat reference. So do you know about that? Do you know Joey marries Monica and Chandler? No, I mean, I might've done,

but it's not as important to me as it is to you. So in the- Because you've watched it 27 times. That's a massive, genuine understatement. Yeah, that's ridiculous. I think I've seen every episode of Friends at least 40 times. Okay, I'd better believe it.

It's at least been on 40 times in my vicinity. Yeah, you haven't sat and watched it, but it's been on. Yeah. Who needs to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm when you can just go back to Friends Again. Because it's because I'm addicted to my phone now as well. It's second screen stuff, isn't it? Like it's just on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So as a very nice thing, the exact same situation, Monica and Chandler asked Joey, well, he sort of forces their hand, doesn't he? Yeah. And sort of wins their hand, doesn't he? Yeah. And sort of wins the right to marry them. And I'm so Joey. You are?

You carry on, I was just joking. You love food. I love food. I'm always shagging, mate. Absolutely. How did it? But he, he asks, can he wear multicolored robes? In the end he ended up wearing an army outfit.

He ended up wearing a World War II officer's uniform. With Gary Oldman's spit all over it. Come on. You're telling me G's and foot quits don't sell that. They definitely do. If you can get us, I'll override, I'll get on this. If you can find an army suit that's covered in Gary Oldman's spit, you can wear us, I'll override, I'll say it again on this, if you can find an army suit that's covered in Gary Oldman's spit, you can wear it to marry them.

Seconded. Right, it'd have to be Gary Oldman, it can't be other Garys. Can it be Gary Oldman's sister? Gary Boosey maybe, or Boosey, whatever you say. Can it be Little Mo from EastEnders? No, it can't be a sibling. Same DNA.

I want you to, I want it to be obvious that you're the Minnestina. It's going to be obvious that I've come back from, you know, the war. Are you going to be nervous that morning? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not that I can't do it. I know I can do it.

But it's more important than any gig. The reason I've asked this is because I mentioned it to Carl Yastea. I've seen you at big gigs and you've done comedy, like is it 20 years now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you are, you are one of the best I've ever seen and one of the best like in the countries ever produced. And on a big gig, you get a little bit like fucking focused for an hour. Let's like, and I've seen you have like your little moments. I've been a bit inconsistent. It's not consistent because I've done all the big gigs that I've strolled in and felt really relaxed. There's the arena

for a load of reasons. I felt like I was all over the shop on that. Not that I didn't enjoy it, but there's been speeches I've done at weddings where I've caught myself 20 minutes before and gone, good God, I'm really aware of it. That's a big speech this one. It's just, I spoke at my sisters, I spoke at Matt Reese's, like it's not easy. Like whenever it's, because if it's just stand up, you're like, cool, I got this.

So like a good example of that is the roast, which is out next week and it's gonna be one of our most popular specials, because the first roast was amazing. Same as the first roast. It's the changing of the rules, isn't it? It's the changing of the setting and it's important. I honestly, with the wedding speeches I've done, it is relaxed.

Like it's with mates. Matt Reese's was hard because there was 80 French people that didn't speak English. So, you know, that made it more difficult and your nerves do go up a little bit. I know I'll do it I'll know I'll be fine But it's because of how important it is to the day and to you that I will be I'll be concentrating put it that way

Like nervous about you doing like no, I'll be fine But I know you will be but when you're a stand-up if you like I've got gigs tonight and I've got New Year's Eve And like like they're big gigs and you just roll on going. I know the set. I know the rhythm of it. Smash it. Your wedding is more important. Yeah, I get that. I don't want to screw that up. I'm going to try and get in his head all morning.

He wouldn't fuck this up, you know, he'll never forgive you. But then I also factor in that Adam might do that. So that's fine. But it will be- Do you know what I mean? If you were like, God, that's really out of character for Adam, that's really put me off. But if you know Adam and you know he likes fucking with people, you're like, yeah, this is fine. It'd be worse if you came up with, I'm so proud of you. Yeah, that'd do his head in more. I think you're going to do amazing. A lovely thing that you're doing this for Sarah Crunker. By then I'll pitch it perfectly just to throw you off. Oh, is that, what is that? Gary Oldman's spit? He did

really well there. It's a cardigan then. Oh no, I was still in the bit. I don't think you can mess it up because you're writing it. I won't know if you've messed it up. Well, I'm also doing it as a black American preacher, which is going to feel better for you. Oh, that'll be great. Black and white, white and black. And I'm not talking about ethnicity. I'm talking about ethnicity. I'm talking about the suits. No, or is that not allowed? I'm just saying this. Are they white? Oh, is it a white wedding? With Ishaan.

Well, that's fine. It's a nice day for the white wedding as well. Can I wear a polka dot bow tie? No, you can wear a black bow tie. Actually, yeah you can. Black polka's on black. Go for it. I will find that bow tie.

And then we went watching cameras shopping, which are the two things I love wasting money on. Right, cool. We didn't buy any watches. We went and had the fantasy watch day. Where we tried on watches, we don't have the money or inclination to buy, but made the poor guy sit down with us, sign us up to his newsletter,

and then let us try on the Batman. Wow, that's straight in the spam folder, isn't it? That is unsubscribed immediately. What, I think, listen, I'm just saying the watch thing might be getting out of hand with both of you recently. What, because we went and looked at some? No, there's, you know... My watch collection is...

I only buy cheap watches. All right. What are you up to, 14? Yeah, but I'd say they all combined don't go over 2,000 pounds. Oh, right, okay. You just like a choice of timepiece. Yeah. It's an accessory for your outfit, isn't it?

Yeah. It is? Yeah, it is, yeah, yeah. You've got a few. I've got a new one coming for Christmas. How many have you got? My most spenny. Me? Not many, 43. I've got everyone for every year. I've got a Rolex for every birthday. Adam tried the Batman on. What's the Batman? I heard you say it and I ignored it the first time. I think my three year old son's got

it. So he's looking at the Batman. He was looking at the Roopier and the Wimbledon. What are all these words? See you just don't know fashion. Oh I've got the harvester and I've got the cafe rouge. What are we talking about? Cafe rouge? I don't know what the Batman is. It's the the blue and black dial. Oh is that just not just like the standard roll-outs? That's what I think of. No it isn't. So when I think of a roll-out that's what I think of. I think of. When I think of a Rolex, that's what I think of. I've only seen them in Turkey. I don't know them. They're unofficial names for colours of watches. Oh, look at that. Delivery is expensive. You'd expect it to be black. By the way, I've got absolutely no intention of buying it.

You just wanted to play watchman. What happened was we were looking in the windows of a shop and we were like, should we just go in? And we walked in and we just browse them around. And this fellow came over and was like, would you like to buy a watch? Would you come and sit down and have a free drink? And we were like, yeah. I'm gonna do the wedding like that. I've changed my mind.

We'll have our wedding. We'll have our nightly chat wedding. Someone like us just sit down with the drinks. He went, do you wanna try it on? And we were like, yeah. Yeah, cause he's seen you rolling with the Jeeves and fuck with the band gone, this is it. This is Christmas paid for.

I'm gonna sell a fucking Pepsi and a root beer. Pepsi is one. And a cream soda. A Pepsi is a very popular one. I know it is it. This is Christmas paid for. I'm going to sell a fucking Pepsi and a root beer and a cream soda. I know it is one. You've got like the jarg version of the Pepsi. You have got the jarg Pepsi? Yeah, yeah. I sat down with him, showed me through, spent 49 pounds. I paid for Easter.

We just went fantasy shopping, but it was class, wasn't it? It was beautiful, yeah. Like just going and trying on and like, it's getting to see how like the super rich lived. Like you can just walk in and be like, I'll have 75 million watches, thank you, in a bit, lad. We didn't do that. Can I try them all on at once?

Basically we walked in. Is that door locked? We walked into a watch shop and mugged them with a sparkling water and a sample. Yeah, I got a free lemonade and tried on a nice watch. And I had a shite. Yeah, well, we walked in, it looked like the most bang on thing ever.

We walked in and he went to her, I mean, you all right? He went, yeah, you got a toilet. No, no, no, no, no. You can't shit in a really quick. I'm living proof that you can. He didn't. So what happened was,

I needed the bathroom, but I wasn't desperate. So we walked in and he was like, let me know if you want to try any on, let me know if you want this, you want a zinc, do you want a coffee, do you want a zinc, do you want a vape? And I went, I suppose you got a bathroom, have you? And he went, yeah, sure. And he showed me through,

and I just went and had a quick muck. I came here for the Batman and the shite. Yeah, not in that order. Did you make a sale, John? No, the? No. No. And the box stinks. And we're going to need a new bathroom.

With a negative sale. It's costing money on air freshener. Where are all the San Pellegrino? Negative. Yeah, we probably cost him like four quid yesterday. Infrabreeze loan. And then we went and... It's just a girl, it's like a, Laura goes to Ikea or John Lewis

and then just wanders around and looks at stuff. Oh, I'll show you my new camera, go and get it. It's like a version of that in it. It's like the boy version of that. You brought it in? Brought it in, yeah. And then we went to Real Camera in Liverpool, which is a camera repair shop slash they sell old cameras.

So I hadn't bought any point and shoot. You know like the film camera that I bought to take to Nashville? Yeah. Well it's broke and that does happen with them cause they're like from the nineties and they're not the most reliable things in the world. It sounds like me.

You. You buy them and like, it's just like, look, we'll give you a two month warranty, which is your consumer rights one, but beyond that, we can't really guarantee it's gonna run forever. You know what you're doing, don't you? So the one I bought earlier in the year, as it popped it's clogged.

So when in yesterday, I managed to get a new one and he threw in some film, he threw in a spare battery, he threw in some spare lenses, he was very helpful. You really enjoyed that camera, didn't you? It's like, it's a fun thing to do. It's so much better than taking pictures on your phone. I bought this. Oh, I'm out of breath now.

70 pounds. It includes this lovely leather bag. For the audio. I'm listening for QVC. For the audio listeners, it looks like a spy bag. It looks like an Uzi. You look like you're gonna go and catch people speeding. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sick, people speeding. It's a super 8 camera.

There's been some OG porn made on those. I literally said to him yesterday, he should literally get like one bit of film and just film himself getting sucked off. Yeah, 70 pounds. I mean, the reason it's so cheap is the film and the development is expensive. It's a hobbyist thing. It's sick hobbyist, isn't it, thing? Like, sick, isn't it? Right.

Yeah, so that'll be coming to Italy. I'm gonna give it to people and everyone can just pull the trigger and get some shots. It is a characterful bag, isn't it? I wanted to go back. You judge us a lot, Dan, when we talk about our comfort shows, like, you've got Friends, you've got The Simpsons, I watch The Office.

Have you not got that at all in your life? Is there never a show that you go back to over and over again? But I don't. The news. Yeah, on Al Jazeera. It's just reassuring. Just love the news.

I like to hear news about the Middle East. Well not today's. Broken from the Middle East. It goes back as much to Al Jazeera from like 2004. 1991, oh, it's kicking off in the Gulf. much Al Jazeera from like 2004. 1991. Oh, it's kicking off in the Gulf. Um, so you watch TV in a different way than me. Like I sit down and go, I'm going to watch it. Like I've just, yeah, I just like taste it. Laura's like, stop licking the TV. It's Wolf Hall.

I can taste the 16th century. I don't put something on to not watch it. That's insane. No, it's pretty sane. It's not. To you, in your reality, you're like, ah, don't even get it. I can't, you at the end of the day go, oh, I'm just chilling out and shutting down.

I've just put on something massive on on the screen to slightly distract me from the thing I actually wanna do. But I don't do that. Question then, just on this. Father Ted is my answer by the way. Father Ted is something that if I'm just- You're only about to nine episodes on it. Is it?

Is it? Shut up! Shut up, nasty bitch. Here's a question, right? Let's say you've got the house to yourself. Kids are at the box and Laura's on a bath holiday. You've had a wank. I just wanna pause.

Bath holiday. She's going to the baths. She's going to the baths. She's gone to the bath holiday. You've had a wank. I just want to pause. Bath holiday. She's gone to the baths. She's gone to the baths. She's gone to the baths. Right. But she refuses to go to the baths. In baths. She's a bit of a bitch like that. And the kids, you know, they've got title fights, but you've seen enough of them. Yeah, they're under force. He's undefeated. My son will smash a toddler's head in. You're in the house on your own

and you're in the living room, right? And you're predominantly on your phone. You're having a scroll or like we're talking in the group or whatever. Is your TV off? The lights are off. Me not understanding what WhatsApp grip is. Oh yeah, it's just on my phone.

Is your TV off? Yeah. Oh, that is so pathetic. If I came into your house, if a burglar broke into your house and you were in the living room with the telly off just on your phone on your own, that would terrify them. They'd run out. It's good home protection. I'll give you that. That's mental. I'll give you this. Is it the safe on the race? Sometimes. It's a big screen. What's light in it? Tricity. Sometimes I might put Sky Sports News on. Yeah, that's a big screen. What's light in it? Tricity.

Sometimes I might put Sky Sports News on. Yeah, that's a good example. Yeah, that's an absolute backgrounder. And then also I've got kids who, so. They're at the boxing. Right, but a lot, their TV's on a lot. So that's absolutely fine. So when they're at the boxing. Like I'm saying like you've got the house to yourself.

No, I'd stick the TV on to watch something. And you watch a Bluey upstairs and a Bluey downstairs. Oh wow. Two episodes of Bluey. The kids TV show. What TV show would I go back to as a bit of a, like definitely Father Ted. I would never have guessed that.

I also like a faulty tower sometimes. Oh. It's my age. It's so well done. It's so well done. It's really well done. Father Ted was a morning show for me. It was on before school.

I don't know why, but it was on like, it was like what was on? Channel 4. Frasier was on. Yeah. Yeah. It was everybody loves Raymond as well. Big cook. No, where's father Ted going on there? You're misremembering. I'm very, I'm almost certain you're misremembering that. Frasier and everybody loves Raymond. Sounds right. Yeah. Father Ted's too naughty for that. Like Fr Fraser's so... Rourge. Fraser's so... Safe. Accessible. Safe, accessible, like, sort of family view in a way.

Father Ted's like... Yeah, I suppose. You fucking idiot! You can't have that at fucking 7 o'clock in the morning! Get in my house. I haven't watched Father Ted for fucking ages. I've never seen it. Unbelievable.

His cars are small, those cars are far away. The writing on that was it. You should watch it, because it is class. I just got it on the list, the never-ending list. Yeah. Are we gonna do this half marathon, babe? We're gonna do it? Yeah, but you've gotta get Carl involved.

I'm not doing it. You can't do, come on, Carl. I'd never let you down if you wanted to run somewhere and you know. I don't like running and I don't want to learn. So no, learn running. I'll do it with you. Yeah, I'll be very proud of you. I'll sponsor you, it's for the kids, isn't it?

Oh, I was just gonna do it. No, we gotta do it for the charity. Like it's a waste otherwise. Like you don't have to massively push it, but just at least have a link saying I'm running this. Like even if you've got 200 quid, it's 200 quid. I'll do something else on the same day oh tell you what we could do I have already here we go here we go here's me in fucking Mozambique no so on a unicycle here's the thing

I have signed you up for another Zoe's Place charity physical challenge. But this one, you don't have to get on a plane. You do have to get in a boat. A dragon boat. Because I've signed us up for the Albert Doc dragon boat race in September next year. All right, yeah, cool. We need 18 of us in our boat.

Is it just, is it just, no, you just drag the boat. You just drag a boat. We're dragging the boat. Oh, right, okay just, is it just, no, you just dragged the boat. You just dragged a boat. We're dragging the boat. Oh, right. Okay. I was worried then. Yeah, that's fine. What do you mean?

Just tell me what it is. Rowin. It's a rowing race. Oh, I'm an absolute Roseman. 18 people in one boat and it's the races in the Albert Dock. Who's on your list? I want, Japhne Gunn is number one. Matthew Pinsent, the brothers from the social network.

I want to win. There's no way we're not winning. Matthew Pinson. Oh, the Van, Van Hoss. The Van Nysselroes. The Van Nysselroes comment. Jan Vanegora of Hessling. Yeah, all them.

Are you up for it? I love Pierre van Hooyden. I think that'll be a good special. Is it a date we're definitely not on tour? Are you sure? It's in September. It's September. It's September. It's September.

It's not when we're going to film abroad, is it? It's oh yeah, God, might be. What date is it? I don't know. I think I've said that a lot recently and got away. Gina rang me yesterday and said... Do you want to please run something by us just before you say the word? I write it by Carl?

Yeah, it doesn't count. By the way, I said I don't know. He said yes. I said I need to speak to Dan and Carl said no, we'll do it. Yeah, but I owe the group some yeses. I'm in a bad position. I've lost my leverage recently by saying no to the Santa Dash. I'm in a position where I have to start saying some yeses. This is like, this is a totally doable one. Thank you. Yeah. Oh yeah. This'll be fucking great. And we'll have the lads and then some have a way of pod legends helping us out.

Yeah. But definitely he is like Jack Finnegan. Yeah. Jack's doing it all. As long as he's doing it with his hands. I'm rowing in Jack's lap. That's how I fucking, yeah. But I'll do something else. So when you do the, I'll do a cycle maybe. India's made me realize that having something in,

I've never done it like this. I've always done exercise when I sort of fancied it and I've done it of my own volition, which usually, recently means not doing it. But having to train for India, got me ready for India, felt better, you have to do it. And then once you're doing it, you're in the group and that makes it easier.

I get it. People have been telling me this for years, sign up for a fucking half marathon or a marathon. Because once you get there, you have to train for it. And then on the day, there's the adrenaline and the fact that you're running in a group. And I know you don't fucking have to get to know the person running next year or whatever,

but it's the fact that you're in that herd, aren't you? Yeah. So I've signed up. Romy signed up, Neil signed up. I'm just all my middle-aged mates are gonna be doing it. Who's Neil? My neighbor Neil too does that. I will a thousand percent do it.

Yeah, and I'm very excited because I can't really get motivated for training unless I've got like a target. Well, I see that now. And we're in London for the Liverpool half that you mentioned we're away that weekend. Frustrating but I- I went out for a run this morning. Got straight out. Did you? Yeah, where'd you run? for the Liverpool half that you mentioned we were away that weekend. Frustrating but I will be.

I went out for a run this morning, got straight out. Did you, yeah, where did you run? 6.11K. That's just fucking annoying, isn't it? Either do five, do eight or do 10. I did, I didn't go. Or six. I've done 6.11.

I go out my house, go up the lane, up to the fucking road, round, down the side of the ring road and back. It was just, I checked checked it was 6.11. Genuinely, genuinely from a runner to a runner. Thanks. Athlete's way. In that situation, you'd be better running the 5K or 6K and walking a little bit back.

You shouldn't go, you shouldn't run to your door and then go in and sit down or go shower. Run to what you can do. And you should warm down with a walk. I warm down with a cold plunge. That is so stupid. That's slapping off. That felt fucking great.

Yeah, of course, but like it'll feel a lot better if you also warm down a little bit. So run the 5K and that last K, use it as your warm down and then get in the cold plunge. I tell you what I'm gonna do. You shouldn't go from running to stopped. I'll run the 6.11, get in, immediately goose Laura and just take it slow.

Yeah. Ooh. You know, when she was getting ready for the school run, but she knows what time it is. What? Do you wear a helmet to run? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I want to, backpacks, water, everything.

Helmet. I wear a guard from cricket, just in case someone taps. You never know when you're going to get dicked out. I wear it. I wear it. It's so funny when one of us just gets to you sometimes. What, got him? Do you wear a helmet to run?

I don't know it, Dan. He's a safe guy for kids. So I always run with a helmet. It was pitch black as well. I couldn't see where I was going. A helmet would have been good. I'm on it. I'm a healthsman, mate.

I'm excited and I am 100% in with you. I promise I'll do Sutton on the same day. I am going to have to let Alfie Brown down, who I roped in to sign up for the Liverpool one. And he has already paid his deposit and is booked it. But he did bail Paris though, first. And the Liverpool half last year yeah so he owes you one because his guard passed away or something i think he did

this new show that is it's mainly about missing a half marathon it's pretty deep let's have a break oh if you're enjoying this public episode of Have A Word, you should sign up to Patreon. Patreon.com slash Have A Word Pod. Got the biggest Patreon in the UK, one of the biggest in the world. You get early access to the public episode, so you get to watch a video of that on Saturday morning, the pubes get it Monday. You also get an exclusive episode every Wednesday, just me, Adam, Karl and the Bays. We are 15th on the planet right now.

15th in the world. Absolutely. He's a boy. Completely unaffiliated independent podcast run from the heart of Liverpool by the people who fucking come up with it in the first place. From the ground upwards. Top 15 on the planet. You are. Yeah. And the specials once a month. My God. Oh boy. Will Hutchby is fucking good. So many

good ones. The lock ins, the two Amsterdam, the ghost hunt. Nashville was an absolute biopic, wasn't it? Yeah. Um, that's not the word I meant. Special. You also get access to tickets. So if you want to come and see us, you need to be a patron really, because they send out verifiers. And talking about tickets, if you're going to buy a loved one a ticket for the new year, it should be for Murderers Row, some of the best stand up you'll ever see.

Saturday the 22nd in Cardiff is sold out. Friday the 21st is the extra date. Come and see us in Cardiff. All Cardiff live shows. Bang! This is going to be a belter. During the time we'll be in Wales, that's for sure. I really like Wales. Apart from when I'm fucking your mum.

Oh, and then I'm in a whale. You just live in Wales. I know, but he takes it to a being. She's a whale. Oh, you mean the animal rather than the creature. Yeah, she is a whale. She is a whale. Yeah, it's a common thing when like when a woman's like larger.

Yeah, it's a really misogynistic and horrible way to call a fat, you big fat whale bitch. So so see you in Cardiff Friday the 21st. I need to sell that one out because it's my daughter's birthday and really I should be home. So I tell you what, bring her the show one because she's got boxing. It's birthday boxing. She fights three times. What she's like. Um, uh, you've got New Year's Eve. Me and Carla running our first ever New Year's Eve, me and Carl are running our first ever New Year's Eve super party. We thought long and hard on the title for that. Well the lids will be there, other parts of the gang, not Dan, he's passing along. We've got Stand Up, hosted by me.

We've got Brennan Reeson, another special guest, TBC. We've got Sensei Carl's only quiz of the year, first and only one of the year. And then the lads who do the country days are playing us into the new year from 11 p.m. until God knows when in the morning, not just country music, of course. There might be one or two, but just classic party bangers. Yes, like celebrate by cool in the gang.

So loads of stuff. Go on by Ticket. Get involved. What else are you doing? Sitting at home playing board games with your granddad. Black lambs. Leave him. He's not going to see you next year anyway.

Ticket link is in my Instagram bio. It's in Carl's Instagram bio. And if you are a patron, it's on the Patreon from where we posted it last week. The only way to spend a good night. That's all I've always said. We're going to work on our slogans, promise. I wept last week. The only way to spend a good night, is what I've always said. We're gonna work on our slogans, promise. I wept yesterday morning.

Oh, also, sorry, you can win a thousand pounds by just being there. Yeah, beer pong prize is a thousand pounds. I wept yesterday morning, because I realized I wasn't gonna be there for the thousand pounds. Smith. Thank you.

I watched Meet Joe Black for maybe the fourth time. And I woke up early, I tried to not eat tea. I can't do that. I don't know why I tried to do it. Why? Trying to be a bit more, just trying to lose some tub. And we went for a big old Nando's, me, Harry and Finn. So I was like, do you know what?

We had that about two off two. I just pushed through. But I wake up dead early. You know, when you wake up hungry, you can't sleep because you're hungry. I just went on Instagram reels and someone had thrown up a film, you know when they just throw you a bit of a film and it was the bit in Meet Joe Black where the cunt son-in-law to be gets his comeuppance from Anthony Hopkins. I was like, ah fuck, I'm going to watch the film. I was just really in the mood.

So I watched a bit of it then the kids came down and it didn't feel appropriate to be watching a film about death with my children. So paused it and watched it just sort of like after the school drop off for about an hour and a half and I've never cried as much, I don't know what was going on, I don't know if it was like hormonal or if it was just the early start but when he knows he's coming to the end of the film and his life and he's saying goodbye to his daughters, you know when you start like weeping and your eyes go, but then there's also that like,

I couldn't hold it and I had to go, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, It was so, I have never cried. My mom dying. I've never cried like that. Did you turn Sky Sports news off? Obviously I was double screening it and also triple screen watching, you know, Taper Vettors boxing. I have never, literally Laura came in and went, are you all right? It got me, it got me weepy a couple of times early. I find that film very emotional, but it was- I think it's absolute dog shit and I've really struggled to get any emotional. Oh, it's so good.

Is it cause you think that? It's not a good film. It's so good. It's a stupid film. And also it's a stupid film. But I've picked the best back of the whole time. That's class, that scene. Oh, oh, beer, what are you doing in the hospital?

Is that when you cried? Oh, child. Oh, that, beer, what are you doing in the hospital? Is that when you cried? Oh child. Oh, honestly. Everyone, go on me, Iry. No, it's this day you're going to be fine. Stop bitching about the cancer in your tum tums or whatever he says. So good. Why don't you keep going then?

Like do like a 12 cries of Christmas. On the 12 cries. Green Mile next. Do you cry Green Mile? Are we watching the same films? Try watching the Green Mile without friends on a second screen. No, Tom Hanks though.

I know he's not in. The Green Mile can get you. Hang on. What point were you? That's a very... You were desperately trying to play contrarian there. No, Tom Hanks is fine. The Green Mile is a very emotive

and it's very possible that you cry at that film. They kill an angel. Meet Joe Black, Dan, I'm telling you right now, a therapist would be having a fear. If you went into a therapist and said, I cried at the end of Meet Joe Black, they'd section you. Hopkins is unbelievable.

Is it Meet Joe Black or Yo Black? Joe Black. All right. So they go, Meet Yo Black. I'm trying to work, I've never seen it. Right, spoilers, right. Here's the concept of meet Joe Black Right spoilers if you're gonna watch it skip five minutes into the future me and Adam have started a film club to rival yours gone We'll fucking ride the last shot so

At the start of the film Brad Pitt is Like he has this like me cute with this girl he fancies. Oh my god. Harry are you alright? Harry I love you but if you did that. I didn't fit that one. You did?

You did? You did on the episode. We fixed it? No you fixed it. I fixed it. I can't blow it up again. Well it wasn't me. Carry on Adam.

Ok. You're gonna hold it. All we need is radio. I fixed that. Can't blow it up again. Well, wasn't me. Carry on, Adam. Okay, you're gonna hold it. All we need is radio. You're Joe Black. At the start of the film, Brad Pitt has like a me cute, like a street passing this girl that he fancies. And then- She's beautiful. Spoilers. Spoilers. Spoilers. Is he Joe Black?

No. No, not then. Okay. So then he immediately gets run over by a truck and death, it was Joe Black, death, the Grim Reaper goes, oh, there's a body there. I'm just gonna go and live in that for a week. So then Brad Pitt is death and is going around the world

just experiencing being human, but it is, it might as well be a kid's cartoon. It is absurd. It's stupid. It's great. It's funny. It is funny. There's no funny moments. It's worth watching, but it's not a good film. It's three hours long. It should not get you emotional because it's so ridiculous. It's from an old Italian play called Death Takes a Holiday that they made into a film. This is like fucking 80, 90 years ago. It's the remake of that.

Like it is so far-fetched, but it's once you sort of buy in, it's very watchable. Brad Pitt's brilliant in it. Anthony Hopkins is brilliant in it. Susan, it's such a well-done film. It's like in it. Anthony Hopkins is brilliant in it. Susan, it's such a well done film. It's like the daughter. So death basically is interested in this Bill Parish guy who's a very famous media mogul.

And he is interested in him for whatever reason. He's a very powerful man. He wants him to be his guide through life. So he basically makes a deal and goes, I'll give you extra time if you just be a guide. I want to experience life. And that's how it plays out. But it builds cause he, he goes eventually spoiler alert. He basically goes, right. Our time's done. And he's gone through, you know, a bit of a narrative and whatnot, as you expect in a three hour epic, uh, the end, the end, the end where Anthony Hopkins knows he's about to die.

Oh mate, he has to say goodbye to his daughters. Oh, that's what it is, isn't it? That's why he wasn't found sad cause he's not old and he hasn't got kids. No, that's not what it is. The reason I didn't find it sad is it's a ridiculous movie. But also it's impossible to buy into it. They say goodbye to his daughter and Dan can't buy into that. It's like crying at Star Wars or something.

Finn probably has. Oh, you could, right? I've never cried. But genuinely, genuinely, within all of that, absolute heart-melting narrative, Carl, there is a bit where he goes into hospital, because Susan is a doctor, and then an older Jamaican lady goes,

"'Oh, Bea, why you come for me?' And then he answers because he's dead in her patois. Have you never seen that clip? Yeah, I've seen that clip. Yes. Right. Oh, thank God. I didn't make me cry. No, that doesn't make me cry. That makes me want to do a standing evasion. Have you seen Marley and me? I don't think I have. Don't watch that with the kids. He celebrated that like a goal at the end when the dog died. Last minute winner. Are you big cries at film? No, I've not cried.

The last time I had one film in my life ever. That was 15 years ago. The beginning montage of Up. Yeah, that is. Oh, so again, I struggled to- It's an animation. Because it's an animation. Yeah.

But that's it. Click when he sees his dad for the last time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the first time I've cried time and he pauses it and goes back. That's sad. That's sad because that's a believable film. What are the tears though? Yeah. I don't think you're a crier now at all. I cry once every like three years maybe. Do you think it's because if you start crying you won't ever stop? He's worried about the World Cup. Not another Middle East one. Do you think you've desensitized yourself to all emotions because it's safer?

That's me by the way. I don't know. Oh yeah, I don't cry. I cried at a dance syndrome girl on Love on the Spectrum. Oh I'm so glad that was on a program. I don't know, she was so cute and that got like, yeah. Have you cried about your real life? Like what? No, I mean, cause obviously you've been through

a bit of trauma, like not to be that, like kind of being a fan or whatnot. But there's stuff in my life that is absolutely worth a bit of a cry. The Simpsons has got me, I'd say lifetime 30 times, maybe 40 times I've teared up at the Simpsons. Bluey, if I'm in the right mood and the kids have got Bluey on and you concentrate.

Oh my God. Hentai Gangbang. You know, you're like, how could they draw something so beautiful? Cheers! No, actual Bluey, I'm telling you what, you're not parents yet, but the parents listening will go... It's not a helicopter with a face.

Oh my god, Bluey is so emotive. Is emotive the right word? Yeah, what's a helicopter with a face? It's not a joke, by the way. Will you Google that? A helicopter with a face? Yeah. So I've spoken to my therapist about this. It's not a joke by the way. Google that helicopter with the face.

Yeah. So I've spoken to my therapist about this. Are you still seeing her? You're having a little I've had a little break because I've just been too busy. Yeah. Like genuinely. And so I've cried about like breakups and relationships, but I don't cry about death. And I think the way I've sort of intellectualized that

is death is final and there's nothing you can do about it. So because like the, to me, like if someone dies, it's like, well, there's nothing you can do. That's the end of it. I find that less emotionally sort of, less emotive than a breakup where it's like, we could do something to figure that out. We could save it.

Also, there might be fault on your part with a breakup. You might feel like death isn't your fault, hopefully. Right. Someone like dying. I can see it making sense, but it doesn't. It's a trauma response. Totally. Like someone like who is ill and dying and we can do something to help them get me. Like when Gina rang me and was like Zoe's place is saved. I had to go into press among and have a cup of tea because I was about to just burst. I'll cry in the middle of the pill one.

to press a Monjay and have a cup of tea. Cause I was about to just burst out crying in the middle of a pill one. Yeah. That's good. That's healthy. Yeah. It is. Yeah.

I've, I've, I've saw myself down me. I was in like, I've just gone, nah, nah, no. I just don't want to turn it off. Sawing myself down. You're like sawing it, like saw like, I know what a saw is. I just don't know whether that analogy was. I meant, Sam, did I think? Yeah. I'm like, well, I'm a client. I just don't know whether that analogy was. I'm in standard of think.

Yeah, I'm like, well, I'm a client, just to tell you I can turn it off. But that's what happens. It's, you project onto the thing you're watching, don't you? It's connected like that. That thing about relationships is true. When I split with my first girlfriend,

it was about nine, 10 months. I walked in and it went. Like a Jersey widow. No, that didn't work as well. When I split with Nikki Clark, the hairdresser, my first girlfriend, I've, I'd love to see tape of that. She must have knew that day was coming though. Such a nice girl. He's not even from Jersey. I had that full weep.

It was partly that because it was sad, but I'd also displaced all of the stuff from a death and gone, that's fine, I'll just do this. And then when that finally went, I think that was, it was so much more going on that morning. I, oh my God, I wept. Are you feeling your mortality? Yes, a little.

You ready to weep again, Dan? I don't know whether that's gonna get a screech or a smooth. I think you want to put a cock on your ass a smooth. I think someone's just coughing you that. I think it's kind of smooth, isn't it? There's no real segue into this. All right, cool. Should we do some Dan vs. Finn? I mean, you've cut a good conversation off early to do... Did it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I thought we were done with the conversation. I thought there was a natural role. Normally when people are done with the conversation, they stop talking. Finn. Don't all of a sudden take the wheel. There was a few seconds of silence. See this is where professionals and newbies come in. I knew not to get up the wheel. So yeah you know I was really dealing with like me break up and I displaced all my family

so much. Shut up you boring old swat! You're gonna eat some fish or something now you don't You've talked about this before. We've done this four times. Sorry. It could be the name of the podcast. It's a very nice cable net jumper that Finn. Thank you, Marks and Spencer's. I'll tell you what, they're going up in the world. No, he's getting older. Not an ad.

I'm not sponsored by Marks and Spencer's. I'd be a fucking billionaire. I'll tell you what by Marks and Spencer's. I'd be a fucking billionaire. I tell you what, Marks and Spencer's do really well. Big Mac and Buster. Food. They do, yeah. They do do good food. Finn, do you want to do Dan vs Food by any chance?

I apologize for cutting off your sensitive talk. Yeah, stop being sad about life. It's fine. We tried to meander through the sad until there's a funny bit and then we move on. But you were like, no, it's just sad. Let's fuck it off. It's fine. It's all good. We love you, Finn until there's a funny bit and then we move on. But you were like, no, it's just sad. Let's fuck it off. It's fine. It's all good.

We love you, Finn. All right. Just get me the scran I'm not gonna like. All right, okay. All right, let me go and get it. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Dan versus Food. Dan is a 43 year old father of two and he's scared of dinner.

And we're gonna occasionally give him some food to try that he wouldn't normally try of his own accord What have we got today Finn? Fucking what is it? Oh, what big sweet? How do you gagging Is it party party? Spam we've not got party. Oh Spam spam Some corn people get you the bin in a minute.

And then we've got a selection of sandwich pastes. Harry's gagging. Harry is physically gagging. So what's a sandwich paste? It's a, so they get like the, the asshole and the liver and stuff of an animal. And instead of throwing it away, They blend it.

They blend it and then spread it on bread. See, this is what you're going to do at the wedding. So it's going to be a similar thing. I mean, you've got to lie in the hole. So it's going to be a similar thing. I mean, you've got a lion. No, no, no, that's actually what it is. Now I'll tell you right now, corned beef meat is absolutely delicious. You eating it doesn't mean you'll eat anything. You love a pig's arsehole.

Can we show the plate to the ladies and gents at home? Corned beef, what one's this? That's chicken paste. Chicken paste? Beef, beef paste. And salmon paste. Okay, so I wouldn't eat the salmon paste if you paid me a million pounds. You fucking knobhead.

But the other ones, we are going to need the bucket. It absolutely stinks. I know exactly why you cut that conversation off. You were like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's make him gip. So the corned beef, starting it off gently. Let's start with some corned beef. Corned beef?

Corned beef. Is that vegan beef? I had a corned beef sandwich last night. Oh, I got it. It's nice. It is nice. What is it? Corned beef.

You don't have to say it again. Get one word, beef and corn mashed together. Is that all right? Brown sauce with that on a little butty. Some Worcestershire sauce crisps. Harry's face is a fucking picture. I mean, edible. Yeah. What are you rubbing off there? The gelatin. Just some jelly. Because you won't want the gelatin will you? What's this one? This is spam. All right. You remember this from yellow.

I've got a good feeling about spam. I don't know what spam is. Oh, that is badgammon. So it's basically like, it's a good replacement for bacon. But you have to fry it. You need to roll it. No, it's not. If you fry that, it's gorgeous.

Right, this is not a million miles away from like. Gorgeous, absolutely delicious. It's clearly piggy. If you fry it, it's nice. Oh, these first two have been bad. Right. Okay, now come on, Dan. It's only getting better.

Chicken paste. It's only getting better. So this is a chicken's asshole that's been blended. This is what my dad used to have for his lunch every day when he was here. Your dad's fucking mental though, isn't he? He is. Does it now taste better because it's met like so?

Respectfully. Meh-meh. Which one are we starting with? Chicken. Oh brilliant. I reckon. Yeah because, so it's chicken, beef, salmon. Yeah. I'd go salmon last because you are going to be sick when you eat that.

It's the headliner. Dad, just think, it's just chicken. It is just chicken. I'd rather think it's just beers. It's chicken on bread. It is chicken on bread. Did you even get any chicken then? Have a bigger bite.

Have some water. You OK? No. I'm sorry. Chicken paste? So bad. What was the pasty? The chicken pasty. Chicken paste? So bad. What was the pasty? The chicken pasty, yeah. Chicken bait. Oh yeah, cum. It was cum pasty. Chicken pasty.

Chicken and pastry together. What? What's that? Beef. Just a beef, that's a burger. Beef, butty. That's just a burger. This, right. The corned beef and the spam and this

all taste a bit like stuff that I like, but like the worst version of it. Yeah. Yeah, it's cheap. That, chicken, that chicken bastard on her back. Yeah. Have another bite. No.

It's just a burger. Shut up. Right, and last but not least, salmon paste. I can't do it. You can't? Dan? I can't. God damn basic food, innit?

I know, but I can't do it. You can. Dan, come on. And you've got to bite it, not just take a bite. You can, and we'll be so proud of you. Stop it. I don't need that. Come on, Dan, we love you.

So this is spreadable fish on bread. Oh. Oh. He'd blow the fish up and just collect it. Just imagine a full salmon has been blended up and spread on a baguette. That's what you'd eat. No it's more of a had. Maybe have some water clean your palate. Harry do you want a bite? Absolutely fucking not. I'll tell you what I'll throw you the rest over. He's veggie. I think that's yellow haddock actually. I'm veggie. Literally, three seconds ago.

Oh, he's a big boy. Oh, he's done well. He likes it. Oh, you love it? Don't you look at him? Oh, shit. Oh, no. It's going to explode.

You can barely tell it's a fish, Andrew. Whoa! Oh, my god. That's the worst one I've ever done. Worst one I've ever done. Fish embryo. That's like a fish's pregnancy. I'm going to brush my teeth.

We need the ratings. You need the ratings? Oh need the ratings. Quickly then. I've one more bite. All of them. Two. No, corned beef. Minus three. I want to brush my teeth.

What's corned beef? Quickly. Corned beef four. Spam. Spam four. Bread. Pasta. Chicken. Chicken. Beef. That's fine. Four. If you're at a point in life when you're ready to lead with purpose, we can get you

there. The University of Victoria's MBA in Sustainable Innovation is not like other MBA programs. It's for true changemakers who want to think differently and solve the world's most pressing challenges. From healthcare and the environment to energy, government and technology, it's your path to meaningful leadership in all sectors. For details, visit uvic.ca slash future MBA. That's uvic.ca slash future MBA. We are back. No one's mentioned Mike Hardigan, by the way. It's really nice.

I don't know why anyone would take the piss out of you and it works good stuff. Jacob Marley's here! Hey! There is cheering going on. It's really nice. I don't know why anyone would take the piss out of you and it works good stuff. Jinkumoli's here! What? There is cheering going on. I was going to say, there's a bit of a delay on it. Thanks for coming up, lad. Thanks for having me. Really appreciate it.

Thanks for joining us for lunch, even though you weren't hungry, because I not told you about lunch before you ate on the train. Yeah, and sorry, I ate some shit fucking baguette on a train. We plant plant-based sausages. There was no actual sausages left up across. Are you veggie? No, so I just had shit sausages for no reason. You know, genuinely, and this might be like

a toxic trait of mine. Maybe this is like the carnivore in me. I just not eat. Well, rather than fake sausages? Yeah. But I had sausages, do you know what I mean? I'd got on the train thinking I'm gonna get a sausage baguette, it's gonna be fucking great.

I'm gonna eat that on the way. You hadn't told me there's gonna be burgers that you were gonna pay for in a business account when I got here. So. Mate, Linda McCartney makes nasty black sausages. So yeah, here's the thing, I do, the Linda McCartney frozen ones

that you get from the Azda, the rosemary and red onion ones. Good gear. Are absolutely fantastic, and occasionally. I got it. If I'm feeling fruity, I'll be in the Azda, and I'll be like, I'm gonna have a sausage butty for me to eat.

I'll remember Linda McCartney exists. I'll go and get some frozen Linda McCartney, red onion and rosemary sausages, and I'll have them. But if it's not them. Yeah, like if I go to like a Tesco Meal Deal place or anything like that, and all the butties have been ravaged, and like there's only like, you know,

the really shit ones and then the plant ones, I'll just wait and eat something else much later on. Heck sausages are good, chicken sausages. That's chicken? Heck, yeah. The thing is like we do, we say, oh God, I wouldn't have a veggie sausage. There's not much more meat in a meat sausage

than a veggie sausage. Do you know what I mean? They're so full of shit, they're so processed. They've all got soya in anyway. Like heck, is it chicken? Tastes like it. Could be chicken, do you know what I mean? It could be chicken.

I ate chicken sausages. You get them in like, sort of Muslim lean and holiday countries, don't you? Like Turkey, Greece, do you know what I mean? Like on the breakfast buffet. I love a little chicken sausage. I thought we were going towns then. I thought I was going to have a real edge.

I want to see your face as that came up. You know what I mean? No, like they came, I. I'm like crack on, but they do lean like the Muslim lean. What do you mean? They don't eat pork. They don't eat pork. Do they? So they're like, Hey, we're still, Hey, sausages. Then you're like, ah, they don't. They're like fucking chicken sausages. Bollocks. Turkey ham as well. Good gear though. Bollocks. What Turkey ham? Do you eat turkey ham? No, that's since I was a kid, but it was heavy when I was a kid. Turkey bacon. Oh, shite. It's very American

that and you go to America a lot. They have a lot of turkey bacon out there. You spend more time there than you do in Liverpool now. I would love to. He's taking a suitcase full of Linda McCartney's though. He knows what's up. Not the sausages. Yeah, like, well again, like American bacon is the best bacon. Like streaky, crispy, dirty bacon in it. It's not dirty bacon. Sweet bacon. It's almost sweet. It's caramelized bacon. Sometimes they, yeah, so they'll candy it, so they'll cover it in maple syrup and cook it in that. Jeez, Dettie Boys. It's very calorific, but fuck me, it's good. Also, I remember when you went and I got steak, egg and chips from your breakfast

and you were like, what are you doing? I was like, hey, when in Rome, mate, or Manhattan. Feels wrong, though. Steak for Brecky. And on the pancakes as well. It's just syrup and meat and bottles. Fucking bad, man. In America, you eat more calories for breakfast

than I would eat in a day. Comfy. Easy. Also, the way you'd eat just on a fucking Tuesday. Do you know what I mean? Oh, it's Tuesday, let's have steak for breakfast. I have steak for like birthdays. Do you know what I mean?

It's such a decadent way to live. That German breakfast you had in Vegas? Me and Sting. Oh that was, was it like a mixed grill? It was something like 11,000 calories each. It was like chicken with like, I don't know, it was insane. It was horrible. It was lovely but it was like, what am I eating here? It was just like a mound of meat with like all sauces and... For breakfast? Yeah. Yeah so we... What? It was a like all sauces and- For breakfast? Yeah.

Yeah, so we- Why? And it was a breakfast gaffe, wasn't it? Yeah. And we queued up and we were like, cause they were like, oh, the table's gonna be like 45 minutes. So we went, oh, I'll go and get a coffee and come back.

And they were like, yeah, but if it's any early and you get called, you just be taken off the list. So we got back really quick, queued for a bit. And then they were like, yeah, sit down. And then they were like, we do this mega breakfast thing and you can have it for how many people so if there's four years to do for four we'll have that Justice Walking it was lovely like a food challenge amount of food. You're gonna go what the fuck you eat

We put a dent in it. We probably have half of it. Yeah, maybe less Do you remember what your day was after that? Do you remember what you were doing after that? Sleep. See, that's the thing. Was that the UFC day? No, it was the first day we got there. UFC was the second day.

I think we just shopped and just chilled. Went to casinos. What other? Made a bit of money. Adam lost loads of money because he kept going on the roulette. I was just like, here's how I gamble, Jacob, right?

I'm playing for the moment. Do you know what I mean? I'm not playing to win. You're not playing to win, you're playing for joy. I'm not playing to win 20 quid. Cause like, if I said to you, you know when I was in Vegas, I won 20 quid. Yeah, give me that story.

Give a shit, right? Well done for going to Vegas. I'm like, right, I'm not spreading me 100 quid bet that I'm doing. Like I was limiting myself like per hour to a certain amount of money. So I was like, if I'm spending 100 quid in this hour, $100, I'm not going on and going,

I'll have $5 on this. And I was like, $100 on me birthday. Can you imagine if that comes in? You get three and a half grand, you walk off, you bankrupt the casino. The Balazio is closed. And Vegas, right? You have to wait 55 minutes till you can bet again.

No, cause if you win, then you're in profit, aren't you? Could lose 100 quid within an hour. I lost, what, 700 quid on the week? About that, yeah. I only played blackjack and I was... Which is a lot of money, by the way, and I wasn't happy about it. It's two breakfasts. That is part of going to Vegas, is you're paying for the entertainment.

And I thought, if I put a little $100 on 11 here, it just comes in. Everyone around this table, they don't know I've lost the last 18. They just seen me do this one. Cool guy. Do you know what I mean? They haven't seen the tears.

Me and Finn were talking then about winning loads of money. Carl's insane. No. He's actually a mad man. I said, if you found out right now we had a billionaire, for whatever reason. What would you do? Like in that second, not like I'd go and buy a house.

That second. But I reckon you could have a million guesses of what Carl would do first and you would get nowhere near it. Can I just get the parameters? You get a phone call and go, it's from your mom and she's like, A, I've just forgotten. I've got four billion pounds in the account that I forgot to tell you about.

You can have one. Yeah. So you've got one bill. It's not like I'd go and buy a house or I'd go and book a holiday. I mean in that second, what would you do? I've really struggled to concentrate on the rest of this podcast. You know what I mean? Like Jacob's come all the way from London. I'm getting fucked up. If any of you win a billion today, this is a wasted train of money. I think you're going home with 10 grand minimum. Just 10 grand.

What would you do? I'd just kick the nearest old person in the face. Do you know what? By the way, that is bad news for you. And then go, there's 50 grand left and they go, all right. No, you might kill them. No, there's old people nearby that you could kick to death. Make sure that you weren't that old then. And I reckon interest wise, the time has taken me to

kick and get them off. I've made money. So it's actually in, I'm in profit. It's a mad bit of logic. Also what happens if you accidentally pick on the one old fella who's like a master of Taekwondo or something like that, and then he kills you to death. Kills you to death. Kills you to death. Kills you to death. Kills you all the way till you're dead.

Gorgeous then, aren't they? Yeah, cause you... I said I'd go into one of them phone shops, the phone repair shops are not made. I'd go in there and go, lad, you ain't your job, don't you? Go, you gotta go. Here's half a miltsnash to shop up.

And he'd love it, wouldn't he? He would, yeah. That's a good answer. That's a good answer. That's a good answer. Like I think liberating retail staff is a good thing to do. Do you know what I mean? More kicking old men's face. Especially at Christmas time, going around all the fuck,

like I used to work in retail and like Christmas, you lose your fucking mind. If you've ever worked in retail at Christmas time, you lose your- Working hospitality, so. Yeah, same thing, same thing. I don't think it's any, I don't think it's compatible to retail.

No, no, no, no, totally not. No, it's similar, it's similar. It's putting up with people at Christmas who are being cunts, do you know what I mean? They're more demanding than ever. And there's more of them. There's more of them. You're not getting paid anymore.

You're also, there's that thing in retail where you get surrounded by Christmas temps, do you know what I mean? They hire extra staff, they hire them on like a one month contract. So they're just fucking morons. They don't know where anything is. It's worse having them there than not having them there.

And the best thing you could do with that money, as you say, is just going into those shops and being like, look, finding the one who's closest to a breakdown and being like, I'll protect you. Do you know what I mean? You can do whatever the fuck you attack the manager, set fire to shit. Do you know what I mean?

Like strangle the Christmas temps if you really have to. I would love to kick the fuck out of a lush That's what I was about to say Really massive hose and take it to look You want to smash it up don't you know how he said I go and buy a new pair of shoes We'll do it destruction comes in I want to take a fire hydrant to Lush. Going to Lush and fucking eating everything. And just having a massive bubble bath the amount of bubbles come out onto the high street.

You can make a big bath out of all the Lush. You just turn Lush into one big fucking super bath. Seventeen people drowned in Liverpool City Centre. They get it. They smell unbelievable. The urge to just destroy. You don't tell anyone, you evacuate it. You go, hey, I'm about to set all these fucking bath bombs off. You cunts get out and then what?

It's a very low end terrorists in it. Of all the bombs, it would have been a much nicer riot in the summer. If the riot is in the summer, if the far right in the summer, rather than being racist, if they'd have just washed Lush away. As I always say, going to John Lewis, push all Jewish, John Jewish, going to John Lewis and push all the tellies over, that's up there as well. Have you got no destructive tendencies at all? Not when I've just got a billion pounds. The energy you'd want to get out would be insane.

Would you not want to break something? No. Would you not want to go to one of those smash up gaffes? Have you seen them? The axe throwing in that. No. No, you get a sledgehammer and you can just fucking just do something. Maybe even like an Xbox, an Italian, something to smash the building.

Yeah, but where's the, there's no Jeopardy in that. No, that's different. So much more Jeopardy in like a Curry's. Yeah, it's methadone, innit? That's methadone to smash, like those smash up rooms. Yeah. Like what we really want to do is go up and smash up a fucking John Lewis. Imagine going up to like the fridges and goodies and just ripping all the doors off.

You fucking unbelievable. Yeah, the problem is you don't want to do anything that could get you prosecuted. That's why you don't do it. That's the only reason we don't do it. No. Shut up officer is a mil. Right. And you've just got that out.

They sent one policeman by the way, two arrestants, as a man who's smashed up the entire of the city centre. You go into Corry's, I don't know, you've rockbottomed some cameras and some Nest Ring doorbells or whatever they're called, and then do you pay the staff to shut up? Nice. Finn, do you not have that breaking tendency? Maybe when I'm like pissed. It's completely sober. I'm not going, I want to like smash

this shit up. I've got the kind of like, when you, when you're fucked up and you, I kind of get it. Like the old like chuck the whole, like the TV out the hotel window and stuff. The energy you would get from the text would feel the same. Nah, just be like, ah, I got Speaking of, I can leave me mum's house. Speaking of Finn being pissed and I'm going to give him a panic attack now, but there's no way I'm not mentioning this. You, you, you missed this, I think at almost famous. So, uh, you know, your karaoke the other night. So as we were sat around, waiting for our dinners to come around, Finn went to stay. Uh, did Holly have a good night the other night?

And Steve was like, when? And he went, Holly was out with us, wasn't she? After the karaoke and Steve was like, I wasn't even out with you, I didn't go. And Finn had a moment where he just sat there and was like, no, I was talking to her later on. Holly wasn't there and Finn was talking to a woman for two hours and thought it was Holly.

He's got no idea what he said to her or the conversation they had, but he was speaking to her as if Stee's girlfriend was there. I asked her how Stee was and she replied. Most people know a Stee though. It's a really easy one in Liverpool. Is there someone out of us that looks like Holley? In Liverpool there's a lot of Stee.

It's a Scouse name, Stee. Oh, Stee, I just found, yeah, yeah, good. What's that? You were out of us. I didn't start seeing Stee's, I didn't start seeing Steez. I didn't start seeing Hollies. I bumped into Slutty Suzy. Yeah. And the Slutty Suzy. Oh yeah. He was out a dancer from bongos bingo. Do you know bongos bingo is? So he's one of the dancers in Liverpool. And he has seen me at Derek's do the day Derek's the sandwich. And he was like, how's your

mate Dan doing? This was on Monday. And he was like, has he recovered yet? And I was like, I think he's all right. I've just put a podcast with him. He was like, he was on another planet on Saturday night. And I asked him like who all the people were with that he was dancing with and talking to. And he told me, I don't know any of them. I've lost everybody. He hadn't. We were there. That's literally, that is so harsh. I was with Bondi, my oldest friend in the world, and Stian Holly. I'm the ghost of Christmas future. I didn't think I was that pissed, but clearly I was.

I just about remember seeing him. We were leaving, everyone's like, come on, you're done. I was like, I'm done. And then the gang from bongos bingo turned up and I'm not dumb. I tried to get a second wind and instantly I had to accept I was done. You a big drinker, Jacob? Yeah. Uh, as much as I can. I've got two kids now. It's hard to get out. Do you know what I mean? Like my life's too fucked to do it. Like the closest I get to a night out now is traveling back from gigs. Like what I'll do is, it's so fucking sad. I'll treat myself to a bus or a train ticket rather than driving, take six beers and a weed edible

and text my friends on WhatsApp. That's my night out, do you know what I mean? The Greek joke. I think it's quite bleak that you can have two kids and a bus ticket becomes a treat. It is, mate, wait till you fucking got, Dan. Don't have kids then, it's quite bleak that you can have two kids and a boss ticket becomes a treat It is mate wait till you fucking go down don't have kids then I don't know you mean it's fucking that's the best 32 Same age as us, but yeah, that's not I get this sometimes people are that's young to have to this it's national average

You know I mean like national average is like 27 to know because in our heads We're not 32 with these you think yourself is like 27, 28. Because in our dads we're not 32. You think yourself as young. Well, it's also you work in media. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And people basically, it's like people who work in media are lazy babies.

And so they do everything 10 years late. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, fuck that. When I was like 27 and my girlfriend was pregnant and I was telling other people who work in comedy, I was like, yeah, I'm going to have a kid. They were like looking at me like, well, you should be getting an internship at 27.

Do you know what I mean? It's like, this is the normal time. I grew up in Stevenage. Stevenage is like the European capital of teenage pregnancy. You're a late bloomer in Stevenage. I was late bloomer. People were fucking offering me IVF in Stevenage

when I was 26. Like, my sister had two by the time she was 21. Like, I am late. Is that because there's nothing to do in Stevenage? Yeah. You should just have a kid. There's a big Primark and the kids section is the best bit. So you've got to have some fucking babies.

A reason to go. No, I don't... I mean, like, yeah. I wish I could go out more, but it's... I've got a fucked life. How old are the babies then? My little... My little boy's one, my oldest...

My little girl's four. So you're deep in it then? Deep in it, got a cat, she's pregnant, she's fucked as well. She looks primal. Question, you know when your cat gets pregnant, when the cat has the kittens, are they just going to be released into the wild or are you going to sell them? No, no, no. Released into the wild? I don't know what, I don't know how the cats do it.

Also, I lived just off the A1 in North London. If we open the door, like they're all just. I don't know about cats. You know, it's a domesticated animal. It would die instantly. But this is the thing. Instantly. I'm outside of my own. They would live for six hours max. They would die in the cold and not being fed. But like a baby. When you have a baby, could you keep it or just release it into the woods? So how do baby leopards survive then? With their mother, they stick close to their mother. Yeah, they don't live in Stevenage. Yeah, they don't live on the mean streets. They don't get born, they just run off.

Try and give them away in Stevenage in the nightmare. We just had a litter of... You have to look after them. I never see, I never get like Facebook posts or anything like cats for sale. Do you know what I mean? I've got them. Mate, like seriously, two months time, Instagram slash Jacob Hawley, if all of your patrons could give me a shout, I mean, if you wanted to create a new patron to give away some kittens, I'm game. Are you giving them away or are you charged for them?

Most cats are given away for free. But if they're like, you know, expensive ones, you will pay. This is it. Well, these are these are Bengal. Oh, so you're paying them. Bengal cats. Yeah, these are good cats. Indian cats. Basically, my, my. I honestly thought he was going to say tigers. I was like, Mike, we, so it's so earlier in the year, this genuine shoe, I was stressed, right? Cause I've got a hot. Well, how stressed were you? I can tell you. I'll say who, you know,

cause that makes it sound like it was a man. I know, I know exactly who fucked my cat. It was, it was another cat called Mr. Lover Lover. This is 100% true. So basically... He's a local cat, is he? He's not a local cat. He's a mate. So we got the cat.

This is 100% true. I was in hospital with stress induced heart problems. My missus... You're living so much life early. Yeah. How bad is Stevenage? I'm 19, I just look like this. I'm fucked. You're living so much life early. Yeah. How about this evening? I'm 19, I just look like this, I'm fucked. To be honest, you look okay for 19.

You do all your looking 32. I'd say that. So I was in hospital, stressed out. My missus texts me from hospital being like, I'm down the pub. There's someone who knows someone who's got Bengal cats. Would you be up for getting a cat? Now one year old, four year old,

I don't really need anything else, but she's like, okay, I was like, fine, whatever, let's get a cat. We get the cat. Now my missus is a midwife and she, she really likes like pregnancy and all that business. So she, I was like, get the fucking cat, you know, get her whatever it is, splayed. I don't know. Just splayed that. Yeah. Sort, sort, splay it. Turn, turn the oven off. Do you know what I mean? Just get rid of it. Anyway, she didn't. And the cat is getting into like teenage years. She's getting hornier and hornier and she's just fucking screaming.

Like, I don't know if any of you like- Howdy, what's up? Mate, do you know what I'm talking about? Like she basically hangs around at the back door where she knows the male cats are near because they all fucking, they can smell her. So they're outside our back door. She's there like,

meh all fucking day they can smell her. So they're outside our back door. She's there like, meh, all fucking day wanting to get fucked. She wants you to scream in to get cocked down. So then a few weeks ago, she came into heat. It got worse. She basically became the fucking exorcist. Like she's there, head spitting around, I fucking lick me, lick me. Do you know what I mean?

Going crazy. I'm trying to work. I'm like, I've got stuff to fucking do. So I'm like, I said to my girlfriend, I was like, Lani, you got to sort it out, right? The cat is fucking. So I was like, do something. So she goes on, she phones the vet. The vet's like, the vet has a look at her. The vet's like, she's too horny.

Her fucking bits are too, like, like swollen that they couldn't do anything. So my missus goes on pets, pets at home dot com. There's like a forum bit where you can like shop for another cat to fuck your cat. Cause they were like, they were like, the only thing you can do is get your cat pregnant. The only way you can relieve her and make her stop fucking screaming is to get someone to fuck her. So my missus is on the pet at home website. You're on the cuckhole. I don't get what you mean. But do you know what it feels like? You'd think you'd go on the pet at home website and it would just be like really like oh yeah we've got a white tabby blah blah blah.

I swear on my life it was called Mr. Lover Lover and I swear on my, the way people write about their own cats because you pay them. Just swipe through the pictures. It's like that. I felt like a fucking cuckhole trying to find someone to shag my missus because it's like the way it's meant. Do you have to pay? Do you have to pay? I paid 200 quid for cat sex. For Mr Lover Lover. Who gets the money? Does he get the money? Who? Mr Lover Lover? Well yeah I assume he gets a biscuit out of it at the very least. His owners. He's the cat. And they describe, like they proper, they're trying to get you to buy this cat spunk.

So they describe it, they're like, Mr. Lover Lover is a broad-shouldered, alpha of a cat. He strides around the house confident and happy. And so with 200 quid, and I thought, because the thing is, when I was younger, we had dogs. Like Dachshunds, similar to what you've got out there. And because this is sort of like,

so basically we didn't have much money growing up. So we used to try and breed the dogs. So I spent a lot of my childhood, like getting driven around Hartfordshire, watching someone else's dog trying to fuck my dog. So I know what animal breeding looks like. I was a child. I know.

Mate, bag over the head of the dog. Apparently that's not normal. She was just ugly. But we had to, she was bald. It was horrible. But we had to, so I know what, so I was expecting to drive to Mr. Lover Lover's house and just watch Mr. Lover Lover shag my cat.

What we had to do was drop my cat off for a week, for her to just get shagged for a week by this Bengali. Shit. By this Bengali, I keep nearly saying Bengali, it's not Bengali, it's Bengali. That sounds worse. Are you shagging? I had to drop my hat off to get fucked by a Bengali.

Did she come back happy? She's not screaming. She's just smoking a lot. Smoking? Yeah, sick of it. Oh, hell no. She's got a vapour on her. 18 to 30s was a fucking nightmare. Lover by name, lover by nature.

Not screaming is a level of happiness though. Limping back into the house with a cigarette. She looks like, you know that Lily Phillips girl who's like, I shagged 100 men in a day. Have you seen the interview with her? It's fucking sad. It's the bleakest thing in the world. Watch the Josh Peters documentary, he's great. Yeah, I've got it lined up to watch because we spoke about it on our podcast.

And the thing is, it's a laugh. When you initially hear about it, you're like, fuck it now. And then she was like, I want to shag a thousand people. That's not physically possible. Yeah, I've done the maths. It's every 40 seconds, isn't it? I love that we've both done the maths. But then, do they have to finish?

Do you have the last 40 seconds like, do they have to finish? No. Do you have to last 40 seconds? They don't have to finish? They don't have to finish, no. But this is what she was saying. Why do you, sorry, do you think that doesn't count if they don't finish? No, they don't. If I shagged your mum, as long as I don't come in there, I haven't fucked your mum.

That's just a stone cold fact. Of course. Of course, Adam's not really talking about his mum. It's just generic mums, even though he said your mum. If your mum comes to you and was like, Adam, I don't even know, smashing the life out of me and I said, I didn't come. If it's a Guinness world record, I think there has to be some fucking like, you know, rules. Yeah, the rule is belling in pussy. Penetrative sick. God, I love God. What if they don't even love each other?

I don't know. Just call me and all the romance. Good to know. So every 40 seconds it's just like new cock. Well but then in the documentary after she shagged 100 lads she, I mean it's fucking horrible she was like basically a lot of them, cause she had a little timer for two minutes to try and squeeze them all in. And then the lads would be like,

oh, but I've not finished. You promised me that I'd finish. And she was like, oh, well, you know, you're a, not a patron, but like, you know. She gets upset. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she was like, I felt like I had to, and it's like, as soon as someone in that situation says,

I felt like I had to, it's like, oh my God, this is the fucking- People flow in from other countries. I know it as well. What a holiday. Yeah, he said it was the most expensive shag I've ever had. Bro, you're horrible. It's mate, it's the bleakest.

And she put up a real, like when it was happening of like, she just showed all their trainers. She went down like a corridor outside of the room she was in, you could just see all these men's feet. She just showed their feet, queued up. It's the fucking- Well, when they walked in afterwards to film the room, the cameraman gagged. Yeah. At the same one, at the same one, I went, no, not today. Oh, not today, Adam and Dan.

No, no, no, no, no. Didn't know it, didn't hear it, wouldn't leave it. When they went in the room afterwards, the cameraman was gagging on the smell of sex. Like he wanted to be sick. She should have washed. She was washing after everyone. She was showering after everyone. So what's the smell like?

No wonder it's taking so long. A shower? What? Condoms, common tissue all over the room. Mate, I've been to a porn set. I've seen a porn set. It fucking stinks. Yeah, but these are with humans. Huh?

You've been to pets at home. People watched, Dan. People watched. Right? Why have you been to a porn set? So I used to do a podcast for the BBC that was about porn and stuff like that. And so they were like... So initially the producer was like, would you be up for going to a porn set and watching porn being made?

And I'm like, yeah. And then he was like, right, what it is, it's like an ethical porn thing. It's like woke porn where there's a gay guy who's got HIV making a porn film about how it's okay to have sex with other men when you do have HIV, so long as you take the pill that's called PrEP.

And I was like, oh, I'm really glad I've said yes. Do you know what I mean? So- I feel like he should have given you the information before you consent to it. Yeah, yeah. That's a rug puller. That is a rug puller.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Jesse Pollard. I mean, fuck him, right to do. Right to do, man. One of them's got AIDS. Yeah. Yeah. You said yes now!

You said yes now, sir. I was already in the Uber. Like I was already like, but it was, yeah. I mean, it was, what was, what was mad is it was like just around like COVID times. It was when it was all sort of half locked down. If I'm asked on. AIDS is where it's been COVID, innit?

What kept happening was they kept having dropouts. So they're like, like crew members kept dropping out. So like the guy doing the lights was also doing the sound. And then basically they were gonna do two scenes. There was one guy who was booked in to just do a blow job scene. And then they had someone else who was gonna come in and be the kind of-

Arse? Thanks, yeah, yeah. He's gonna get bummed basically. And then the guy who was booked to be the, I think it's the bottom is the term you use, right? The guy booked to be a bottom, throwing them up and was like, I've got COVID, I can't make it.

So I was sat at the kitchen table with the other guy who was supposed to just be doing a blow job scene. I was sat with him when they said to him, would you mind doing the other scene as well? And like the sigh that he did when he went, yeah, fine, I'll do it. I've never seen someone look so exhausted in their fucking life. It's gotta be quite funny if you're a gay man bombing another man and he coughs and he turns around and goes

don't worry I haven't got COVID that's just the AIDS. Does AIDS give you the cough? Yeah. Yeah. Fucks your immune system doesn't it? HIV does. What? HIV is an in-virus. I don't know if AIDS gives you a cough. AIDS removes your immune system so that a cough could kill you. No, I thought that was HIV that did that. No, HIV leads to AIDS, which is what does that. Either way you're wearing a mask aren't you? Yeah. That's it. Do you have to wear a mask with AIDS? No. Yeah, but you know, this is coming out of that lockdown. Can't be too careful. I'm cancelling because I got COVID. He's got AIDS. He's still making it. Yeah, he's still turned up. What did you do while they were doing the... Well, I mean, yeah,

it was, it was, you sort of interviewing them before and after and talking to the guy about why they're making it. And, and I mean, they sort of said, they were like, do you want to watch the scene? I'd never watched two men do that before. Did you watch that? Yeah, I did. Was it interesting? I don't know if I'd say interesting. It was like, it was-

Can't have been boring. No, it wasn't boring, but it was also, basically it was hard because, so I, at the time I wasn't having any dairy, right? You have to join these dots pretty quickly. Oh fucking hell, Christ, I need some milk now. I've got a handkerchief. At the time I wasn't having dairy, right?

So the thing is, it's like, you've all filmed stuff before. You know what it's like. There's a lot of moving lights. There's a lot of changing microphones. There's a lot of like, you just stop for ages. You know, it's not just like, right, in, fuck, stop, done. There's a lot of like, right, we've got to move a light because you're going to go over here.

So there was just a lot of like downtime. So in the downtime, the guy who, it was like, the guy who had H.O.V. was like, this whole thing was like his fucking project. So I was interviewing him a lot, because it was his thing and he'd funded it. He was a bit anxious, and so he was just trying to stay busy. So we all sat down and he's like, can I make you a cup of tea? And I was like, yeah, yeah, sweet.

And I was like, if you don't mind, mate, can I have oat milk rather than cow's milk? So he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I saw him in the fridge and I was 99% if you don't mind, mate, can I have oat milk rather than cow's milk? So I'm blah, blah, blah. So he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I saw him in the fridge and I was 99% sure he put almond milk in the tea and I'm allergic to nuts. So he gave me this cup of tea and I was just being polite so I drank it.

But I don't know if any of you have got an allergy. It's kind of like, if you worry that you've eaten it, you worry, it's almost like you can feel it happening. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, I don't know if you- Lettral placebo, faxos, thing.. So I'm like, I don't know if you've watched little Britain, but it was like that. I was, I was sat there watching these two guys sort of no bum. One of them just got HIV. I didn't vomit, but I was constantly trying to stop myself vomiting. Cause I was 99% sure I was having allergic reactions to a cup of fucking tea.

You'd have vomited. But I was just terrified that they were going to be like, this guy's like, he's coming as this BBC guy who wants to be really cool and now he's so homophobic, he's vomiting as soon as he watches us have sex. Why didn't you just go, hey mate, I'm allergic to nuts, you know, can I just double check? Because I've got AIDS. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Just get on with it.

He had so much on his plate. He had so much going on. He's funding a film. He's got AIDS. I didn't want to fucking stress him out. Like, I didn't want to wind him up. I'd rather die than stress you out, mate. Yeah, exactly.

I'll just have a glass of almond milk if you don't mind. Put some peanuts in it. Ooh, lovely. Peanuts. Mate, yeah. Did that go out? What, the episode? Yeah. Mate, yeah. Did that go out? What, the episode? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's out there. It's out there. Is it on the BBC to watch? It's, I mean, it's like a podcast. It's on the BBC to listen to. Like, I mean, I don't know, even if it was like a film thing, I don't know if it would be up to same.

Were you interested in porn before this? It was a thing, and this is true. I stopped watching porn when I was like 26, 27. But I made a call to stop watching it because I was like, this is fucking me up. Do you know what I mean? And I think it does. Basically I realized, as I was getting into my late 20s,

I was like, I've probably spent, like if I started watching porn at 12, 13, as everyone does, do you know what I mean? Sneaky go on the family computer, whatever. I was like, I've spent more of my life watching porn than not watching porn. We're definitely the first generation where that's, you can say that, do you know what I mean?

Like, are you guys 32? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've probably spent more of your life watching it than not watching it. Probably, yeah. It's definitely well bad for your brain. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? In loads of ways, it's well bad for your brain. Like, in terms of like, like.

Yeah. He's a porn addict. Are you? Close to it. You know. How many days a week do you watch it? Now. What?

How many days a week do you watch it? Why would I not watch porn? What day would I not watch porn on? So every day. You're not addicted. You do it every day. Just every night? Yeah. If you open your laptop now, is there any incriminating evidence? Sometimes mid every day. Just every night. If you open your laptop now, is there any-

Sometimes mid afternoon if I, you know. What? If you open your laptop now, is there any incriminating evidence? Open. I, you know, I clear some history if needed. If I went on your phone and opened up your tabs, how many tabs would I have to go to

before I hit like an accidental porn? Or the pop-up ad that you forgot to X after you've watched it. Chassemeat. No, live Jasmine. Live Jasmine. Live Jasmine. That's bad when you start recognizing the girls

on live Jasmine. That's bad when you're like, oh, it's Emma again. She was on last week. I think it's quite bad when you start as a straight man recognizing the fellas in porn. Yeah, yeah. And I reckon there's about 15 that I know.

Oh, easily, yeah, of course. Yeah. There's no- But not by name. We all yeah, of course. Yeah. There's no- But not by name. We all know Johnny Sins. Yeah. Because he's fucking Johnny Sins. But we all know Danny D.

I think you've seen Ronaldo, haven't you? Yeah, but I also know, I can spot Charles and Zogby as well. You know what I mean? You've never seen his one? You know what I mean? I can spot that one. It was like a Barclaysman.

I didn't think you watched Charles and Zogby at all. I don't. You know what I mean, Cam? It's a reference, innit? I know that guy who's like, Oh, didn't he play for Wigan? It's when you and your mates go to a karaoke night and you spend all night talking to someone who you think is a male porn star

and it's not, you've just thought about them so much that you've imagined that the guy next to you is Johnny Sin. Yeah, you'd spot the army of Zachy. Yeah. Spent a while there. He'd done one or two, but I know. Was he Wigan? He was Wigan.

He had a good six months in the league. Don't get hard. He'll jump over the cameras. We were talking before we started before, you do a lot of football content. Yeah. And the reason I want to bring this up is, me and Carl toyed with the idea of doing this,

because I'm a Liverpool fan. He's an Everton fan. Wouldn't that be a fun mix? And we've just slowly and then absolutely been turned off the idea by, I've got a lot of mates who are in that sort of creative space. And I've done, you know, different like football shows and the Anfield rap and Red Men TV and like a lot of Liverpool based stuff, but also more national stuff as well. I think I was supposed to come and do your show. I was talking to you about coming and doing the kickoff with me and True Geordie, yeah, yeah.

But the comments and the attitude towards football creators from the people who watch their shows is just so- It's mad. If I tweet anything about football, I will get a personal insult within five replies. And it could be like something really like vanilla or like a, I tweeted a couple of weeks ago saying,

Liverpool have signed the Valencia goalkeeper, Mamadash Ville to come in next summer. And I was like, I don't care how good he is. If Alisson was sold, Kelleher should be number one because of how well he's played in Alisson was sold, Kelleher should be number one because of how well he's played in Alisson's absence. This new guy should be coming in trying to take

number one spot off him. That's not you shitting on anyone. No. That's not you shitting on the new guy. No. It's just you enjoying the player who plays for Liverpool already. Fucking hell lads, what are you talking about?

He's not wearing eargles, he's not supposed to be number one at Liverpool. You clearly haven't watched this new guy. I've seen him make three saves on a YouTube video, he's brilliant. You can't say anything about football without getting genuine anger as a reply. Because they're annoyed about eight tweets ago.

Yeah. It's not that one tweet. It's a cumulative like- There's no humor at all. They're annoyed about their dad not talking to them. You know what I mean? It's like, you don't need to be watching like a breakdown of Liverpool's tactics. You

need therapy. Like they're all so fucking unhappy. And it's like the mad thing is I've done enough football content now that we're on touring. I get people who come who are like, I've watched you on the kickoff or true Geordie or whatever. But they'll say like they'll come and I'll say hello afterwards and they'll go, yeah, yeah, I was the one who tweeted you after the Chelsea game telling you to fucking kill yourself because you said it shouldn't have been offside. But they're like, yeah, it was I was the one who tweeted you after the Chelsea game telling you to fucking kill yourself because you said it shouldn't have been offside. But they're like, yeah, it was funny, wasn't it? And it's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

It's so joyless. And as you say, you can say something like, yeah, this new keeper coming in is good, but I really like the guy we've got already, so it'll be interesting. Like you could say it rained at the Emirates on Saturday, but it didn't fucking rain, mate. It was spitting at best.

I've seen more rain. Do you know what I mean? It's so like- So last week, after L after Liverpool played Newcastle, I thought just, there was a lot of like refereeing decisions that both teams didn't like and whatever. But I thought it was a great game of footy and really like good advert for the Premier League

to coin a terrible phrase. But I just tweeted, the only thing wrong with that game was the officiating. It is what it is, move on sort of thing. And someone replied It was like we were fucking shit. You flicky-eyed moron. This is a Liverpool fan And I just I read it and I was like, yeah, I just replied I was like maze What's wrong with you who talks to people like that?

So it was yesterday Imagine if you were stood in the pub right and you stood with a pint and the final whistle goes I went You know what fucking cracking game not the officiate was fucking I went, you know what, fucking cracking game that. The officiate was fucking horrific, but apart from that, what a game of footy. Imagine if someone stood next to you and went, you flicky-eyed moron, we were shit there. You'd get a glass through his face like immediately. Yeah, I mean it's the problem with social media is like,

a lot of the people that reply to you, they are the kind of people that would reply to someone unsolicited in a pub. Do you know what I mean? But a lot of these people have never been to a pub before, so they've never had someone tell them to shut the fuck up. That's the problem. It's so often, and it's not to sound like sneering

because I get to go to games or get to the pub, but it's like, it's 16 year olds. It's 15 year olds and 16 year olds. This guy wasn't though, this was a father. Cause I think he listens to the pod as well. So fuck you. His photograph was him and what I assume is either his daughter or a baby that he's stolen.

Actually from his fucking attitude, maybe the latter. But he's just holding like a young girl. And his replies to that was, get me on the pod and we'll have a chat. And I was like, what are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, it's this weird interpretation of like football banter. Do you know what I mean?

It's like this weird interpretation of football banter, who again, is people who only speak to other people on the internet. And have adopted this weird fucking language of like, ha ha, you're in the mud now. And it's like, I don't even know what that fucking means. Like, I don't know what any of you are talking about. And to be honest with you,

I do, on my own channels anyway, I do less football content now just for that reason, just because it's so miserable. Like it's boring, man. And also there's so much fucking football on at the moment. Like every two, three days, there's another game. I love it. You're a season ticket holder at Arsenal.

Has it ruined it making content about football? Has it sort of ruined going to the match? No, it's definitely not ruined going to games. Like going to games is sick. It's not ruined, but like the first few times, the first like last year was the first season I was doing a lot of it. Like I was doing Arsenal's YouTube, I was doing the kickoff, I was doing some Arsenal podcast and it was like, yeah, I'll get to talk about it again. And I'd be lying if I said there weren't times now I'm like, fucking I spoke about the offside trap three or even like, especially when it's miserable stuff when it when it's like over the summer, I had to do like, I remember I had a day after the Euros final and it's not just that

I know people I don't want to sound like, you know, I know people have harder jobs than this, but like, I had to do like four records in a row about us, about England losing the Euro's final to Spain. And it's like, how many fucking times? How many times can you say it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a bit like, I used to love the streets when I was younger. And I remember listening to Mike Skinner talk once.

And you know that song, Dry Your Eyes? Yep. He was like, every time I do that, people in the crowd are like, that's the most meaningful song to me. I went for a breakup once and seeing you perform that. I like, and I know that you're feeling it on stage as well. I know that on stage, the crowd are like, that's the most meaningful song to me. I went for a breakup once and seeing you perform that, and I know that you're feeling it on stage as well. I know that on stage, you're still thinking about that

breakup and he's like, when I'm on stage, I'm thinking about the money I received for this gig. I do not, I'd be mentally ill if 20 years later I was still thinking about the breakup inspired this song. That's how I felt by the fourth podcast talking about England go out to Euros, do you know what I mean? I was like, I don't fucking care anymore. Like this is, yeah. inspired this song. That's how I felt by the fourth podcast talking about England go out to Euros. Do you know what I mean? I was like, I don't fucking care anymore.

Like this is it, yeah. So it does, I don't think it ruins going to the football, but I mean, you've done loads of football content in the past. It doesn't even- I've done other people's and I'll continue to do it, but I do think I've got to a point with it where if I had to do a football podcast every week

about the last week's football, I think it would take a bit of an edge off the enjoyment. And what I'm really happy with is I've, in a weird way, especially because of this podcast, managed to sort of careerify most of my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like on stage, stand up, like I'm talking about my life and things,

I think, and whatever. And then a lot of the fun we have We film it and we put it out and it becomes you know in the best way where There's not many things that I love doing that isn't work anymore. Like a lot of the stuff I love doing It ends up tying into me career whether it's through the podcast or stand up. And the one thing that that doesn't actually apply to is footy. And I think I'm really happy to keep it that way. Cause like, I went to match a couple of weeks ago at the Liverpool city game with Ross,

who's my mate, he's a musician. And he's a Celtic fan, but he was in Liverpool for the weekend. So we got a ticket off like a website or whatever. And he went, and I went my way. And even walking in there with him, I was literally saying to him, I was like, it's never lost a shine.

Cause I didn't go to the matches as a kid. I only started going as like a 17 year old. And to this day, every time I get to go to the match, I'm like, not even like having to force being grateful for it. Like I find myself with work so often, like when we did the end of my tour, the last night was the arena. And I had to consciously remember to be grateful

for the opportunity and to take the moment. And I often let moments like that fly by me. Live up going to Liverpool games is the one thing I never have to like, I'm always like, this is fucking sick. This every time I'm there and from, from every bit of it from where to park my car, the 20 minute walk to the stadium, the specific order I get from the chippy on the way in being in there for you'll never walk alone and the fucking releases on goals.

And like it's, it's also why, like, I know you like a, an England fan as well. But like when people talk about Scousers, not really supporting the England national team, I just don't have that connection with the England national team. And that's why, when I say like, I'd rather Liverpool win a Carabao cup than England win the Euros or the world cup. It's not that I don't want England to like, I, I, I'm not that type of Liverpool fan who hates England. I want them to win stuff.

It just doesn't mean anywhere near as much to me as when Liverpool do because of all those little like moments that I get like every week that I've never lost their shine. Liverpool is the last bit of joy you have that isn't a tax expenditure. Literally. It's the last thing. I mean away games are. Uh. Uh.

Uh. The NFL isn't it? You can't really feel that about an NFL team. Yeah. You can't like, doesn't matter how much you try. Yeah. Maybe because you love it, but it's like, oh yeah, okay. But the visceral thing you get for your team,

you never replicate. And you still got that for Everton? It's hate though, it's not love. It's still visceral. It's hate that I could never repeat for any other team. It's an abusive relationship that you can't afford to leave. It's why I like sports now that are individual rather than teams, cause I can just move on. I don't like that person no more. Like I like the dart. Or they'll die. Everton will

never die. And that's the problem with Everton. You can't change your team if they're making you miserable you're just miserable. Yeah I like that with boxing like the nice thing with boxing is you can support someone and then they call it a day and you move on and you and you'll find another one do you know what I mean? Like I- And you can have multiple, you can like three or four fights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or they become a cunt or a criminal.

But then when that happens, you can enjoy- You can root against them. Yeah, exactly. Like I used to love Conor McGregor. I don't know if that's who you were thinking of. That's exactly what I was talking about. He was my gateway into MMA. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I used to watch him being like, I want them to battle Floyd Mayweather. I want them to fucking beat everyone. And now to watch him being like, I want them to battle Floyd Mayweather. I want them to beat everyone. And now if he ever fought again, I would love to watch him get fucking, I'd love to watch him get his fucking face broke. I wouldn't mind him watching him get run over. Outside of a boxing ring.

I'd just like to see harm come to that man. He won't fight in UFC, no. Don't I know? We've been saying this for how long and it's just getting worse and worse. He's now, is it convicted? He's civilly liable. Charged? No he's being, the girl who sued him civilly won. But he's not in jail? No because it's a civil case. America's fucked. No it was in Ireland. Was it in Ireland? Yeah, their laws are a lot more similar to... Their court system is more similar to America than it is to here though.

British civil laws exist as well. Yeah, yeah. But I'm aware this isn't a hilarious bit for a podcast, but how can you get... So a court has said, yes, that happens. Right, so... There's a different burden of guilt though, isn't there? More shallow.

So basically, first of all, in some cases, the burden approves the opposite way around when it comes to the law in terms of the UK, Ireland and America. But like, let's say, for example, OJ Simpson, not guilty in criminal court, guilty in civil court and had to pay the money because you have to prove it to a lesser extent. So basically the courts go, right, here's the thing. We're pretty sure OJ Simpson killed his wife. So in a civil court, yeah, pay us some money because that's not the end of your life, OJ.

Never mind. But we're not 100% sure. So we're not gonna like put you in prison for life or give you the electric chair because we're not 100% sure. So we're not going to like put you in prison for life or give you the electric chair because we're not 100% sure. But we think he did it based on the evidence. We think he did it. So in civil court, that's enough. In criminal courts, it's not enough. And it's the same with Conor McGregor. It seems like a mad system, doesn't it? Yeah. In civil court, they're like, Hey, this evidence looks like you did it. If he went to criminal court, he'd have got not probably got not guilty. There can be reasonable doubt in civil court.

There can be no reasonable doubt within a criminal court. Cause like if someone goes, maybe like, well then we can't send them to jail. So he is a convicted that word. No, no. Is it not convicted? No, cause conviction is criminal. Okay, so he is.

So it's the same as Donald Trump. If Donald Trump was a convicted sex offender in America, he wouldn't have been allowed to run for president He wouldn't I don't think so anyway. He wouldn't be allowed. He wouldn't like he'd be a convicted criminal He has been held civilly liable for sexual assault and the Greg is the same. Yeah Good eminer. I mean to me they're the same thing but to the courts into the legal system They're a vastly different thing. Oh most importantly to the people they are pretty much the same thing the legal system they're a vastly different thing. Most importantly to the people they are pretty much the same thing

which is good. Depends on the people. I mean most of his people have like proper 12 have dropped them, everyone else has dropped them, most people in the country now like he's a dick. But that would be why he goes back to MMA. And Dana White. Oh Dana White doesn't give a fuck. Is Donald Trump's biggest supporter so I don't think he's gonna have much of a problem getting Conor McGregor back in the ring. No I just think Conor McGregor back in the ring. So I just think it's the issue.

Well, we'll see. Breaking it. I bet you'd watch it. And that's all that matters. And watch him together as happens. Exactly. I mean, I imagine actually if he went back, there'd probably be a campaign led by people like my mate

Sharon, who would be like, don't watch the fight. And then I wouldn't. Yeah. Cause there's a campaign to unfollow him on social media, take away his platform, like the platform by unfollowing him, which I've unfollowed him and muse, which is actually a powerful tool when you think about it, even though it's mad. Yeah. Stop giving him the chance to talk to people cause he's a bad guy. Right. Let's go and have a break and watch some a stand up or something just to get ourselves beat.

What's happening lids? Time to tell you yet again about our OG day one sponsor, Manscaped.com, promo code word20 for 20% off everything and free worldwide shipping. What are we focusing on this week? It's the Chairman Pro and right, the Chairman Pro package is available and you can get this, which is an electric foil shaver for your fierce leg. And you can also get the aftershave serum

and the shaving gel to go along with it. And that is on top of all the other brilliant products that they do, like. Oh, we've got the Lawn Mower Pro and all the kits with everything they do. It's the best thing you can buy a man for Christmas. Christmas is coming stop buying men crappy presents go to Manscape up their ball game up their faith game. Christmas is coming you goochers getting hairy get one of these for your ugly Aunt Mary or your uncle

Basmes. Manscape. Promo codes word 20. 20% off. So you can get the perfect Christmas present for the man. 20% cheaper than all them mugs out there that don't listen to the pod. How much is the shipping? Free mate. Worldwide lads. What? Send it to Botswana if you want. Shave their balls. That's fair. Is that where Auntie Mary is? Botswana? I don't know. Man scaped. What's happening lads? Time to tell you about my absolutely favourite sponsor. like Auntie Mary is, but that's why I'm coming. And you know what? If there was a website that helped me come more, I'd be all over it. Exactly, you sound just like your mother. They sell sex toys, they sell sexy outfits, you know.

You can get yourself a Mr. or Mrs. or trans clothes. And you can have the hats. There's all sorts. There's sex toys, there's dildos, there's rabbit vibrators, there's... Loops. Cock machines, loops, there's all sorts. Fuck machines that you can just fuck? And listen, Christmas is the happiest time of year and it's even happier if you drain those balls and drain that pussy, okay? So lovehoney.co.uk and the promo code is aff-word20 and you can come for 20% cheaper than everyone

else thanks to us. We've got you by the balls in a good way. What's sexier than Father Christmas coming? Oh you haven't got an answer. It's a rhetorical thing, I think that's number one isn't it. There you go. LoveHoney.com.uk. We're back for the final section. You need to speak for the audio don't Love honey, Dakar, UK We're back Yeah final section with Jacob Hawley Jacob Hawley apparently used to be in a BMX gun. How we're doing that tree. Is that true a BMX gun life behind bars

Is that the name of the? It's a good name. I thought it was the name of the guns. Life Behind Bars. Handlebars. What does a BMX gang do, Jacob? Well, we used to ride around skate parks. I couldn't do much because I didn't actually have a BMX.

I had an Apollo mountain bike. BMX's were quite expensive. So I had a shit Apollo. And I was basically in charge of the music. I had the Bluetooth speaker. I was basically in charge of the music I had the Bluetooth speaker I was in charge of playing the heavy metal and the rock music. How old were you? 12, 13. Long hair. Put me in, I've got two effeminate of a face to have long hair so everyone just thought I was the ugly girl that followed them around on a mountain bike. Committing crimes? I don't think we did any crimes.

I mean, graffiti, I guess, maybe a bit of that. Bit of graffiti and shit like that. So I'm going... We're none of you in... We used to go out on our bikes, but we never called ourselves a gang. Why not? What would you call yourself? Me and Colin are in a gang right now. We're called the Gucci Fellas.

The Gucci Fellas? The Gucci Fellas? The Gucci Fellas, yeah. The Gucci Fellas sounds a little bit pee, did he? The Gucci Fellas sounds a little bit pee. By the way, that is an in-joke for me and him. Everyone else in this room doesn't even know about that. The Gucci Fellas. I was just pointing it through the two pints filter, and I decided, no, okay.

I did try and start a gang when I was a kid. And I hired some of my friends to be like my executives. And then I started creating documents like dossiers on kids from school and all the kids in the streets. Dossiers? Like sort of, you know.

It's not Mean Girls. What? It just sounds like the plot to Mean Girls. It's not. You're researching, you have a kid. So like there was a kid who'd like fucking being horrible to me at school. So I started writing stuff down that I knew about him,

I had a picture of him on like this Microsoft Word document. Like I had like, by the way, if the police ever found this, I'd have been in so much trouble because it was like the plan. And it was, we're going to follow them after school, scare them, not attack them this time. Make them fear, like strike fear, not harm. How old? We were in, I knew you, like I mean like you had eight. Was this not like a plan that you could have just spoken about in a meeting?

Paper trails maybe? Yeah, well I wasn't that sort of switched on was I? So I had it on my laptop, but then one Was this not like a plan that you could have just spoken about in a meeting? Paper trails maybe? Yeah, well I wasn't that sort of switched on, was I? So I had it on my laptop, but then one day, and I still think this is bang out of order, my mum and my auntie went through my laptop and found it and they sat me down and told me that the gang life was wrong. The gang life. Thick boys in the hood, innit? So my auntie Sue told me off, so I stopped.

The way you worded that story was as if you'd run it past the lawyer first. The way you were like, we intended to cause fear and not. No, genuinely I did write stuff like that down and me mum was like, you don't do this to people. I was like, well, it was a compliment, then I signed this girl. Like this, by the way, on my mother's grave, this is true.

I tell you what, your mum and your auntie know how to have a good time, don't they? Glass of wine, get Adam's laptop we'll catch up another time oh my god how old were you? 13, 14. If that's the worst thing they found on a 13 year old's laptop at the time they were doing fucking well. I had all of my porn on one DVD I didn't leave that on the laptop, especially after that incident. We had a rap group that came before the BMX game. You were in a rap group? Yeah. Also called Life Behind Bars. No, do you know what? So did you ever used to watch Eight Mile when you were a kid? Yeah. You know the eight, the M&M's. When you were a kid, I watched it last week. I watched that on Coming Home from India. I'm obsessed. I was fucking obsessed with Eminem growing up.

Did you like Eminem growing up? I still like him now. Did you like Eminem growing up? I could do every word of both Eminem's and his opponents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The elevate my. Yeah, totally.

Yeah. Can I make it get you didn't like Eminem. No. See, you know, when you were saying earlier that you would smash things up and you would smash things up, you got that's why there's something wrong with us. We were the kind of boys that would smash up our bedrooms whilst listening to Eminem. And I bet you used to throw your Xbox controller across the room when you played FIFA. Used to legitimately broke a pad this year. And this is not a lie. This is awful. Um, my Xbox is not in the bedroom, it's in the spare bedroom.

For that reason, cause you'll throw it at your missus. Why aren't you sleeping? I don't play FIFA no more. This is actually the end of last year, I'm playing this year. I've stopped playing cause it makes me a bad person. I threw my Xbox across the room and put a, so it's like an interior wall, so it's thin, put a hole in the wall.

And I was like, that is me done. But so she didn't see it, I put a wardrobe in front of her. When I go back to my- When I go back to my- You've got to tell her that tonight now. I don't know. I have- Or one of his students will tell her this week.

I have the same, when I go back to my parents' house, where like if I go in my old room, there's like a kind of like wardrobe built into the wall and it's right next to where my TV used to be. And my parents always leave like a scarf hanging over the door because there's still a hole in that door where I threw a fucking PlayStation controller. And people watching will be like, what are you doing that?

You don't want to do it or mean to do it. Your body just goes fuck off. It's not rational cognitive thought. You're not going, do you know what would really make me feel about it right now? Is that I threw this pad, it's a fucking. The best thing to stop it is squeeze it for two seconds and then your brain will go, don't do that. And you go, okay.

If you don't think you'll just go, fuck off. And you will do it. Coping techniques. Have you ever done a telly? Have you ever done it at a telly? No, because then I just know I'm going to have to buy a new telly and that's just more annoying. Yeah, I used to live on the docks, yeah.

And the building I lived in, quite a high building, so I think it's like 15, 16 floors, isn't it? You're throwing the controller out the window. I didn't, but I was walking into my building once and a Xbox pad landed at me, feeling smashed. So someone on a high floor had gone, fuck that. And that, that takes, that's beyond the two second squeeze because they've stood up, gone to the window

and threw it down. Found the key for the window. But the two second squeeze wouldn't work on me. I could quite like- Oh really, yeah. Oh yeah. Because I go, I've got to buy a new pad if it breaks. And then I put it all on the wall and you go,

I don't do it. But if I just let me, I will just go fuck off. I think you could diagnose a psychological condition of being like a noughties M&M teenager. Do you know what I mean? Like a 2004 M&M teenager. I think all of us in this room have probably got a bit of that condition

of like an anger problem that was manifested by M&M. And so that's why I started this rap group. Me and my mates, we were so obsessed with 8 Mile. And in 8 Mile, you might remember they were called the 313, Cheddar Bob. Fuck free world. Yeah, Rabbit. And yeah, so we were the 413.

And Future. Yeah, so we didn't really have our version of him, but we'd kind of recast all of our friends as being each one of those guys, if that makes sense. So we had like a goofy one. Were you Cheddar Bob? Cheddar Bob, no, no, I was, no, no, I was rabbit. Fuck off, I was rabbit.

I was Eminem. And there was a kid called Owen at school that we didn't get on with. And so we used to go and egg his house. Okay. And I just remember the best lyric I ever wrote was my voice is echoing and I did egg Owen. That's pretty fucking good.

That is good. Drop the mic. For a 15 year old, that's not bad. You're getting older as well as these stories come on. Who were you rapping against? Wait, this is the problem is there was no other kids at our school who was into it. So we just had to have like friendlies.

Like a cypher. Yeah, exactly. Inter clubs. Friendlies? We were just rapping each other. No hitting faces. Yeah exactly, we were kids from Hertfordshire. It's like there's not enough rap groups around for us to have proper... No, no rapping. Doesn't get too edgy in Hemel. Have you ever watched a compliment battle? No. So it's literally what it says on the tin. If you flip it, I'm everything you say has to be nice. But it sounds like it started in Hertfordshire. That is woke bollocks. That is such like Gen Z shit. Like the Gen Z kids of tomorrow, they won't be throwing PS4 controllers

out of like apartment windows. They'll be like fucking compliment. What did you say? It's class show. Have you ever into like don't flop and stuff? Yeah, yeah. So I know, do you know Liam Bagnell? Yeah. He's a good mate of mine. Class? Yeah, I love those guys.

Shuffle T and Marlo have done compliment battles. Yeah, but they're battle rappers, so they've got the scope of skill. I'm sure it rhymes brilliantly and I'm sure the doobalontondras are fantastic, but this is why battle rappers shouldn't go to therapy I started watching it again like not the new ones because I don't know any of them but like the old school ones I've started watching them again

It's well good. They are like like the most talented. They're some of the most talented individuals in the evening Their writing is absolutely insane and then their memory and their delivery. I couldn't do it, not even a chance. You know, Liam, who used to run the flop, so he started doing a show with Doc Brown. You know, Doc Brown. It sounds like it. Yeah, it sounds like it. If you mate, it's fucking class. I was meant to do it and I'd remember something happened and I didn't get around to doing it.

I can't remember what it was, but it's a, yeah, it's class because Shuffle Tea, I think was the co-creator of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was him, Bagnall, Kruger, and then they got Scott Brown. Kruger? Have you seen Kruger's steamed hums video? Unbelievable.

It's one of the best things I've ever made. It's, mate, like that guy should be a fucking multimillionaire. Yeah, it's one of the best videos I've ever watched. It's crazy, yeah, yeah. It's like a Simpsons thing where he just, he just rhymes through Simpsons, like improvised fucking mental.

If you wanna, like if you've heard us sort of talk about this sort of stuff before, and you've gone, I'll watch one of them one day, I'll give you a few now to go and watch. The first one you should go and watch, like without any shadow of a doubt, is Shotty versus Arsenal. It's the most viewed one ever. And it's really

accessible and it's class. And it's before shotty becomes like very sad. He got more serious as his time went on really, but he's still quite jokey and but still aggressive at the same time. It's a perfect battle. It's class. Another really good intro one is Tony D versus O'Shea. So at the time O'Shea was the champion. He's the scouser as well. He's been on the couch. He's been here, yeah. And O'Shea was the champion at the time.

And he's from an area that I don't flop with. It was all just jokes and like trying to be funny. And Tony D was one of the first people who entered the league and tried to make it about rapping. And they literally both play their roles perfectly. And it's a fucking unbelievable like match. It's so worth watching. And then soul, a soul bottle. Yeah. I mean, it could have been a better matchup in the end and it's not the most mismatch in the world,

but watch soul against C major, but just for souls. Who's your favorite done favorite battler? Yeah. Apart from the ones we've just mentioned. I love all of them. Yeah. If you had to pick one that wasn't. Who's your goat? Davy Splice. Davy Splice. Tommy Bars. Tommy Bars. Love. Little Terry. Little Terry. love little terry little terry little terry mc mc habib love yeah yeah he's a fighter really kabib um yeah i love them all they're so good uh linda preston she's great not many female battlers no no but again big linda p is obviously a, but you know, big Linda P I'm into her as well. Nickname, you know, and historical fiction I read as well. Battle rap doesn't work. I think girls are too like emotionally like, like you can't play darts either. I was going to say, I was going to say something nice. I think girls are like emotionally developed

enough that battle rap doesn't really appeal to them. Do you know what I mean? I think girls are like emotionally developed enough that battle rap doesn't really appeal to them. Do you know what I mean? I think, I think like it is for angry young men who listen to too much Eminem and haven't had sex. I don't know though. There's a lot of TV that's definitely aimed at women that is maybe they're not like rhyming, but essentially it's self. That was also woke up. I think women are just too good for battle rap actually.

Not too good, but like- They're too clever. The appeal of like people like rhyming whilst being nasty to each other. And winning scales aren't really hard. Yeah, yeah, competitive nastiness that rhymes really appeals to like- I think women might not be into rhyming as much. I think everything else, I think they're fine with.

Oh, they love poems, don't they? Yeah. They're always reading poems. Charges of the Life Brigade. Every time I get home, I'm just watching the Charges of the Life Brigade on YouTube. Watching the poem. Someone's reading it on YouTube. Shall we do some advice? If you want.

We give some really good advice, say, Jacob. I'm going to take it seriously as well. Before we pop into that, Jacob, have you got anything you want to plug, tell people where you are on socials and your podcasting? Yeah, sure. So I do a podcast called the Screen Rot Podcast, where basically every week we take the piss out of, I say take the piss, sometimes we're nice.

We talk about like a different influencer, content creator, like bit of internet stuff. And yeah, we really enjoy it and it's good fun. So Screen Rot Podcast, and then I'm on tour, my standup tour from February until the end of March, seven more dates. I've been on tour since last March, but we've a lot of breaks in the middle.

That's the way it's done, I think. Yeah. You get less bored, less time. I'm stretching the next one right out. Where are our tickets? Tickets at jacobholley.co.uk or you can find me on Instagram at jacobholley. There you go.

And this is really, I know you I know you've got to do. I've only just read this. You would mop the tables in a kid's school and give the kids bleach rashes. How have you? Yeah. Why were you in the kids school? He was a cleaner. Sneaking in at night to like get the ex my kids.

No, I was a cleaner at a school and it was too hard. It's fucking hard, cleaning a school. Hard is fucking, if you're a cleaner, that's the hardest task you can get. Kids are the fucking muckiest things. So I couldn't finish. I had a floor of the school, I had four classrooms, two toilets I had to get done.

Couldn't get it done in time. So I thought I'd speed things up by rather than like getting the spray and wiping down the tables, I was like, while I'm mopping, I'll just do the tables as well. Do you know what I mean? Just go from floor to table. Makes total sense.

That makes total sense to me. Sparing all the kids. Well, I didn't tell anyone I was doing it, obviously. And then there was like a thing going around the school that all the kids in that year, they had like rashes and stuff on their arms. They thought something was going around. They thought there was like a viral skin thing going around because they all

had like little, it was in the summer when they're all in short sleeves and they all had like little red arms where I put like floor cleaners. And did you ever admit that? Did I fuck? I was proud of my cleaning job. I didn't want to lose my 12 pound 50 every afternoon. I love to know how Harry's found that out as well. Um, let's give us some advice. This is from anonymous. All right, lads, each weekend, I put a few bets on the 40 and have been pretty successful this season.

My mate asked if I could put the same bets on for him and he'd send me the money. Two weeks later and he owed me 40 quid. And when I asked him for the money, he said, just take it off the winnings when you win. The same happened the next week. And I just felt like I was just losing more money. Here's the kicker I put on his 20 quid on this weekend now owing us 80 quid for the final time. It

won and returned just over 200 quid. He doesn't really know what I bet on so doesn't know if it wins or loses. Do I give him the money minus the 80 quid he owes me or do I just keep the money from him being a dick and not paying me? You've got to give him the money, unfortunately. You've got to give him the money but then stop doing this for him. Unless he pays you in advance. It's also a slippery slope when you're asked to put bets on because why? Has he banned himself? No, it's because he's winning. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, he just wants them to copy his bets. Yeah, yeah. Ask him for the's winning. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, he just wants them to copy his birth. Yeah. Ask him for the bet then. Yeah. Yeah. Even like, cause you can get like tipsters that you would pay. Do you know what I mean? There are tipsters who you pay to give you tips on what to bet on. Right. But even they would never give you some kind of guarantee where if you pay them and it doesn't come off, you don't pay for your steak. Do you know what I'm trying to say? It's like, that's fucking Matt. This guy that's won money has never actually given any money, has he? No, no.

He hasn't ever, you're just paying off the principal. Yeah, like he's got to, because he said that like- Minus the money he owes you. Yeah, 100%, absolutely. Keep the money he owes you, but- Pay him what he's paid for in lieu. Yeah, but a mate of mine had to ask me to put a bet on for them recently because their brother had a gambling problem And their brother had used theirs and got them banned from everything

I think always ask the question why I'm putting the bet on for you what yeah Because you could just be exhausted as best I put on though did win I had Salah to score Salah to get an assist, and Liverpool to beat Man City. And he scored a sister, then we won. And 50 quid, we'd earned 650. Quite good, innit? I'm locked out. Please gamble responsibly.

I've locked myself out. I got too into it when I was a student. Cause you know when you're a student, you can get a student overdraft. Yeah. And you think, you get told you can only get one student overdraft. You can just keep getting them. Like if you just keep going to different banks, you get told you can only get one student over draft, you can just keep getting them.

Like if you just keep going to different banks, I feel like this is dangerous advice to say on the internet. But you can, you can. Don't, don't, it nearly ruined my life. It was, yeah, and I kept doing that and kept, cause it was at a time when like any, you'd open a Paddy Power account, get a hundred pound free bet, you'd open bet fair.

So I just had fucking loads of them. And it was, you know, you'd open a Paddy Power account, get a hundred pound free bet, she'd open Betfair. So I just had fucking loads of them. You know, you were talking about like roulette and stuff earlier. I used to go and do that, but I just like, rather than having like a tactic, I just used to like making patterns. Do you know what I mean? Like I'd like doing like a pretty little zigzag

or like a little circle. It's how you should bet unless you've got six student overdrafts and you're in trouble. That made a shape. Yeah, exactly. I know my life is going to shit and I'm going to be homeless next week, but I just want to make another Pentagon.

Did you have to work it off? Yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess so. But I did also have to be like, right, I need to just lock myself out of every account. So I've got my girlfriend at the time to just change the password. And they've like time bomb. Oh, you didn't tell them to buy. Yeah.

You just change your password. I just got my girlfriend to change all the passwords at the time. She never told me what the password she was changed to. And then she did a bit of self-enforced gatekeeping, self-enforced gatekeeping. So now if I want to place a bet, I have to go to the bookies and do it. And see if I'm not excited. It is bad. Yeah. I want to place a bet I have to go to the bookies and do it. It's even more exciting than it is. It is better, yeah, yeah.

It's working. It's fucking well better than that. It's working. Right in the dial. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or he can go to his missus and get her to, but that takes a lot.

She's long gone. Oh, right. She's ex, this is 10 years ago, she's long gone. With all of that fucking. With all of the potential paddy power we have. Genuinely though, if you are going to gamble, just gamble responsibly. And by responsibly, I mean, just have a foolproof system

where you can't lose. Shapes. Yeah, triangles. This is from anonymous lids. I need some pretty horrific advice. The other week, me and my missus went on a night out and got bladded. We got home and stumbled to the bedroom

where we're getting frisky. My missus then wants to 69 and I happily oblige. We're going at it for about 30 seconds when my stomach starts to feel off and I immediately spewed all over her lady bits while she's got my cock in her mouth. She was understandably livid. It's been a few weeks and she's still not let me go anywhere near her vagene and seems to have no intention to. What do I do lads to make amends? Have you wiped it yet?

Also he's on the bottom there, isn't he? So he's like, not necessarily, you know. I was thinking that. Oh, it's an unusual, a male tops, that's a very dominant 69 position. I'm envisioning that now. I don't like that stance. Do you know what I mean?

The man on top in a 69, that feels... I have done it before and it is all right. I can tell you right now. It's not, I do prefer the other way. I guess it's all right. But it is all right. That's like my favourite thing, by the way. It's the best thing, getting sucked off

with a face full of pussy. It is class, innit? New merch available soon. It is class though, innit? I think it's worse than just doing the solo. It's not? No, because it's like when you tickle someone and they just let me enjoy it.

Get your hands away from me. What? Let me enjoy that and then you can have it next. Hang on, but the pussy in their face is still loads of fun. I'm gonna say it's not good. I'm just saying. You're saying it takes away, but it doesn't? I don't think it adds.

It does, if I give you a quad bike and a machine gun, and you have both at the same time, you'd feel fucking sick. You know what I mean? That's like that. What an analogy. No, I can't ride the multi quad bike with a machine gun. I'm going to put that brain in your quad bike, come and buy my machine gun. This is Naughty's M&M brain. The best thing he could think of, the best two things that you could enjoy at the same time

is a quad bike and a machine gun. Just so you know guys, if you've got a quad bike. Name one thing to replace either of them. Beer and a cigarette. Yeah. Oh, sorry. They like to be a little, woken us up. He goes to the pub a little differently than you do.

Quad bike and all that. They're cool. They're two cool things. Yeah, but like, you can't use the quad bike as well as if you've got two hands and you can't shoot the machine gun because you're on a fucking quad bike. But that doesn't apply to my analogy, does it? So why did you say it then? Because I wasn't thinking!

It's like what action man would do for his birthday, like a quad bike and a machine gun. It'll sound good. Getting sucked off is like having a pint on your own. It's good. Everyone's fine with it. Like I'm alright, I enjoy having a pint on my own, but I'd rather have a friend there. Eating pussy. Also, the guy's girlfriend, the guy's girlfriend sounds great. Like came home and she was insisting on 69? Yeah, you get bold though with a bevy, don't you?

Like you get like- She needs to sort of stop being such a princess here though. Oh, you were sick on me vagina, no sex for weeks. Come on, grow up. Yeah. Oh, have a shower. In six involuntary anyway, innit? Get back on the quad bike.

Load the machine gun. Load the magazine. I get it, she's got the... We've been to the beer. We've been for a beer. She's got to get over it or break up. If Sarah could sit on your cock, you'd get over it. I used to... The audio is like, Carl's not playing. I used to know a guy where that was his fetish, girls vomiting to the point where he used

to politely request that they would drink a lot of milk before they went down on him in any hope that they would politely request. Sorry, love. I know someone that had a similar thing. It was a guy. I spent a friend's ex used to ask people to throw up on dildos and then put it up their ass. Wow. Oh my God. Year nine. That's, that's, that's more fun than a quad bike and machine. It was year 11. Hell mate. That's rough fun than a quad bike and a machine car. It was year 11. Fucking hell mate, that's rough skiing, I don't know.

Yeah. The guy who I knew who did it, he did turn out to be a nuns. Just saying. I've not heard from this lad for a few years. Might be. The guy I knew who I did it with, I used to do seasons in Fallaraki.

You know, like sort of party. Eat in my own FIFA. Yeah. Yeah. Instead of a co Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Instead of a co-op. And that is when you're doing that, it's the best way to catch pedos because a lot of the girls that you're sleeping with

are staying in all inclusive hotels. And if you're in an all inclusive hotel, you get given a different wristband if you're over or under 16. And we saw, and he was like 30 at the time and we saw a girl come out of his room one morning. Pink? Yeah. The wrong wristband. He'd also stolen my girlfriend the summer before. So now you've got a reason to call him a paedophile and a dairy intolerance. Off that one. Shall we? I mean, I gotta be honest with you, Jacob, if a paedophile can

steal your girlfriend, does it make you look very good? Does it? Well, how old is she? Show the right wristband. Uh, I have a word and then we'll get out of it. If you want to send in a have a word, have a word, have a word and then we'll get out of here. If you want to send in a have a word, have a word, have a word. Have a word. Have a word. Have a word. I put it.

Louis Seymour Pugh says wag wag lids. Can you have a word with one of the lads from my work? He has got an advent calendar in the office. I mean, the whole thing could end right there and we could have the conversation. That he eats from left to right, row by row without following the numbers. He still eats only one chocolate a day, but says there is no point in the numbers. Is he wrong for being a number hating sociopath

or am I wrong for not enjoying a nice Christmas tradition? Don't you bother. Let's do this in sections. Don't you bother. First of all, I kind of enjoy stuff like this because it bothers other people so much more than it bothers me. Like sometimes I'll get a Kit Kat and just bite through the four fingers in front of someone else because I know it's wrong but like watching it bother other people makes me happy. Would you get a Twix unwrap it and then take a bite of both? They're separate. I do that.

No you come on. What both of them together? Oh no no. It's one at a time. Yeah. No. No but that's what I'm saying you don't ever just unwrap and there's two and you go I'll take it. I do but only to upset people not because I think it's the right thing to do, because I know it's the wrong thing to do.

A solo Twix and no one's there, you'd still hit one by one. It's solo Twix and there's no one there. I'm eating the caramel off it first. And then I'm eating the biscuit bit. Did you eat the big, dirty milk block by block or did you just bite it? When I'm on my own. Yeah. Block by block. But I'm a Marvelous Creations guy. I'm in normally a big bar and they come in like weird shapes.

Yeah, they do. Like when you break them off, they're not all just even shapes. What? Just for Marvelous Creations, I feel like it's been a running thing. And with the numbers, as a mathematician, are you not looking at that as an irritant?

Like just, you could literally be starting at eight. 24. It's in 23 and then what? It's horrific and it's funny. The guy's doing it as a windup. Like in the same way that you're doing it to piss people off around you, this guy has spotted that everyone in the office

is looking over the shoulder at his having calendar and he's going the funniest thing to do is to do it weird. Do you know what I mean? Like I rate him. Yeah I do. And then there's a Christmas works too and some girl goes, do you know what I've been watching you. Fucking honestly wow me up so much.

It's an in. I've been watching you. I've been watching you. You fucking. You don't play about the rules. We hope so much it's an in yeah, we're watching yeah, I've been watching right you fucking You know when I put my head in and I can see you and I can hear you I'm like oh chocolate By the way, what would be your beef with the man having an advent calendar in the office cuz you you were upset even at That point of the question me and what? every day

work Calendar oh too much fun for me, that. Too much, too much. Did you have a calendar at Heimdallr? I won't let my kids have a calendar at home. That's a lie. No, no, no. Your kids don't ever pay that. Christmas dogs and... What's the other thing?

I hate Christmas dogs. Honestly, a puppy at Easter. I'll eat them. Yeah, of course, of course. We're all calendar up. We've got chocolate. Laura's got one. Jack's got one. And then me and Etta have got a Studio Ghibli one where you get a little character from a Studio Ghibli film.

That's cool. But the sex one's here as well. Yeah. LoveHoney.co.uk for your sex calendars. Yeah. Each code. Jack and Laura have got that. Diopter.

No, it's been stupid. Have you actually got a sex calendar in here? Can I see it? Can I take some of it home for my cat? You can't buy one now though. It's now. No, it's been stupid. Have you actually got a sex calendar in here? Can I take some home for my cat? You can't buy one now though, it's a bit late, isn't it? Yeah, you can probably give Jacob one though. You can still buy them. They're just discounted now, surely.

No, you can just get them. I'm sorry. We probably wouldn't commit to that on air, Finn. Jacob, you're going back on the train. You're going back home with two pints of Maretti and you and a sex calendar on the train. Listen, the cat won't let me go to Liverpool without bringing a dildo home for her. She's going to want something.

Here you go. Oh, there you go. What's your favourite number between one and 24? Four. Okay, open four, see what you get. It's yours. I am thinking about the train now. Number four.

Oh, he's struggling? What is it? For the audio listeners, Jacob is opening a sextoy. Love, honey. Oh, don't code it yourself. I can feel it. It's like jiggly. Nice. Oh, it's a cock stroker. Oh, is he really?

Nice. I'm genuinely excited by that. Yeah, so you put your willy in it and you know. Oh, is it a thing you fuck? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, that. Yeah, you put your willy in it and you know.

Oh, is it a thing you fuck? Yeah. Oh yeah. Merry Christmas, mate. Cheers, mate. That's from all of us. That is a podcast, ladies and gentlemen. Come and see, come and be part of mine and Carl's New Year's Eve super party.

We've got a quiz with a £1000 top prize. We've got an hour to stand up. I'll be hosting and we've got Paul Walker and the Pig Fiddlers and Ross McGuire playing us into 2025 with some absolute party bangers, tickets in my Instagram bio and Carl's Instagram bio. And after that, of course, the Murderers Row standup tour starts in February next year. Tickets are extremely limited, but we have just added an extra date in Cardiff on Friday,

the 21st of one of the month. Dublin, Leeds, Newcastle, Nottingham, Birmingham, London, Manchester. Glasgow. Glasgow. Oh, fucking hell, lads, why is there's no Liverpool? Shut up, you'll see. Think on. Work it off. You'll fucking see, won't you?

So it's all right. Leave it. Right, we've got a song. Oh, no, no. It's not worth it. This is from an artist called Graffiti and it's only on Soundcloud. So if you like it, go and check out on Soundcloud. This is called Nobody Knows Where We Are Going. Congratulations on the record, Dale Graffiti. This is on Soundcloud exclusively. And what's it called? Nobody knows where we are going. Nobody knows where we are going. I know when I'm going straight to SoundCloud to listen to this. Cheers, Jacob. Thanks, Les.

Bye. Feathers falling, chasing the sun Eager to try, leaving home, adding the sun Down the road, patterns are going As change goes over He knows, they know what's on their mind He knows, she knows, they know what's on their mind And we come fight in other's selves out to the sun, em his living as one