Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #309 with Gbemi Oladipo & Mike Rice - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our brand new website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word: Murderers Row | https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/have-a-word-the-live-podcast-tickets/artist/5406541Comedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

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Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lids? Have you heard? We've got a brand new website. It's have a word pod.com and on our brand new website. We've got a brand new website. It's haveowardpod.com and on our brand new website,

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patreon.com slash haveaword pod for loads of bonus content. But we'll tell you more about that a little bit later. Enjoy the episode. It's going to be a... It was good. Yeah, it was really good. It was class. Man, Sensei Kal and Finn. This is the one and only Have Award. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below the waist groomer. Go Ed, get on me.

Well, Adam, young Adam Rowe is in New York City with his new lady, Big Sandra. And in his place, we've got absolute have a word Hall of Famer, it's Mike Rice. Nice, nice. I'm like a boiled shite now. That's how I was telling Finn when I got in. You seem rough, Michael. I think you can pull off rough. I think you're one of these characters who can, you know, your zany comedy can adapt to. Make me sound like Carrot Top there. Like I'm some kind of a prop comic. I'd love it if you were hungover and it made you into a prop comic. Oh, Mike's rough.

He's after drinking himself into being a prop comic. It's on so much coke. I think you can do this, mate. Lad. Adam's great hungover. Mike, why's not so much coke. I think you can do this, mate. Lad. Adam's great hungover. Mike, why are you so low down? I don't know, I just, it's how I feel, brother. I honestly just feel, I feel low right now.

I have a stomach condition going on that I've had for months. I've started fucking eating Pringles with every meal. Right, is that bringing on, is that making it worse or? No, I don't know if that makes, I didn't even think of that, but was that not diagnosed at the Pringles order? The prescription was that diagnosed to help the thing? Or are you guessing that will help?

No, I'm not taking the helps. I love Pringles. I mean, what the hell? I'm just saying the wheels have fallen off a bit, But, uh, so what I love is like a chicken, uh, curry like that. Cause that's all I can meet. What did you say? It's a, it's a, it's a very niche reference. It just sounded like you did an Asian accent and I, and I liked that. And I was hoping you might repeat it if that was, I'll give him time. He'll get there. I'll do one. Uh, no, but so what I do is with Pringles is I, so I'll cook my chicken curry dinner

and then I use Pringles as like poppadoms. So I'll just like to scoop up. Hey, have you ever thought of, have you ever thought of using poppadoms as poppadoms? I don't believe in that just cause I don't like what they're up to. Is it ready salted then? No, no, no, no, no. You use poppadoms as Pringles. Sour cream and onion.. Okay. That's fine. So cream and onion. I think ready salted. I just feel like why would you have the thing with no flavor when you can have one of the ones with flavor is a flavor though. Yeah. So you can eat an unlimited amount. I don't think you'd ever get full eating ready salted Pringles. I don't think it's physically. But does that sound healthy to you? Does that sound good to you that you become addicted to these tasteless shills of crisps?

Is it the shape? Is it the shape? It's the shape, the shape and the taste and the textured little crackle. It's unbelievable. But my roommate, I've a very, I live with a very lovely and attractive actress and I don't know why I had to say she's attractive. Cut that. She's lovely. But like she is so dis, she can't believe when she sees me eating. Cause she knows I only eat three things, which is scrambled eggs and toast in the morning and then chicken curry. There are only things I can cook and then I have ham sandwiches and every single one of those things I have Pringles with.

So she looks at you like how you live. This sounds very familiar to my existence. Scrambled eggs and Pringles. You're the two mate, kind of you understand it. Yeah, but what you do is you take a bite of the toast and scrambled egg and then you just scoff a Pringle. Just as a chaser to the eggs. Do you know what I mean? It's like Heston Blumenthal. Like you chase the eggs with the thing. Anyway. How many tubs of Pringles are you getting through a week at this point? It sounds like you're on like at least eight or nine. Do you know what my house

looks like? I don't have ever saw the movie the aviator where it's like Howard uses all those bottles of piss like just everywhere. And it's just a sign of his insanity. And that's like me with just boxes of Pringles, but more in my room. I, I, cause I, I, I started eating them in bed a bit as well. Do you double Pringle? Cause the structural integrity of a Pringle is quite weak. I think you're dead wrong about that lad. And I've actually proved that it's not, it actually is fucking strong. It is genuinely, genuinely a hardy little Chris.

It's got glue in it. It's gonna hold. Yeah. Also, if you double a Pringle, that's the crumb central. Yeah. That's, it comes every, lad, you're in a world of chaos if you double Pringle. He's eating Pring crumb central. Yeah. That's it. You're like, it comes every lad. You're in a world of chaos. If you double Pringles, he's eating Pringles in bed. Yeah. You've got to go one by one. I got Pringles, but Pringles and these, you know, those little things that the twirl, the twirl bites. Oh mate. Twirls are my go right now. They've

overtaken Buenos. They're on a twirl is just just it's never not unbelievable. A cold twirl. That was a cold twirl. Sure. Listen, you're absolutely you're on cloud nine. I got I got this little bag. So a little bag of twirl bites and then salt and vinegar Pringles to give it a little bit and then the sweet and sour in bed.

The band as well. Salt and vinegar ones. They burn as well, salt and vinegar ones. They burn, but then you soothe yourself with the twirls. It's good, Ben. Liiiight. It's not like, yeah, it's not like chlamydia burn. It's like fun burn. Flavour burn. You know? I don't think you'll want this bottle. Give me my hule. You're literally sat here going, ah, lad, I've got the shits. I'm eating 14 packs of Pringles a day, washing it down with fucking Cadbury's 12 bites. I feel great. Now there's cheers on the table.

I think all the bite size Cadbury's chocolates work better as bite size. Crunchy rocks are definitely the best. They're fucking nice. They're filled with crack. Curly, whirly bits. Oh, Lord. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Love the bag, mate. My bag head. You're a bag head. Oh, when it comes to bites. Not anymore. Right. You're Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Love the bag, mate. My bag head. You're a bag head.

Oh, when it comes to bites. Not anymore. Right. You're off the bat. Lad, I went, I went, I went to biggest Scarface. I've gone in a while now the other night, uh, cause we did the 12 pubs. What day? Not Sunday.

The Lord's day, Michael, you've come a long way from Christ. No, no. A lot of people want to do it on Sunday. I said, shut your filthy godless mouth. There's no cocaine after communion. That's right. No coke after communion. So I said, we'll do the 12 pubs. Sorry about that. I do feel bad about that. The calm on the desk. I appreciate the banana strawberry com. Um, but so we had 12 pubs. Have you done it? Have you done it? You've done it. I mean, listen, look at the head and you, you fucking look at the melted head and Dan. Yeah, absolutely. Alec Baldwin fucking head on. Is it one pint in each pub? Is it one

pint in each pub? Yeah. So you start at four o'clock. I've been looking forward to this by the way for so long. Uh, cause I'm going to because I'm the general, I organize it and I rarely organize many things. It was me and Vittorio's idea to do it and I don't get allowed to organize anything with Vittorio because I'm a lot dumber than he is. And because he's a 49 year old man in a 27 year old body and you are an ADHD suffering lunatic. That's right. He's RT, R2d2 and I'm just a crow with the shits you know just on a telephone line just Pringle loving Maverick

Did you say R2d2? Yeah he's R2d2. Oh it's an or like autism? Oh well that's that's a brilliant way yes R2d2 absolutely and he is, uh, this wasn't in Kilkenny. This was in London. This was in London. So obviously we're like fucking, you know, we're on the pints, but you're going to need some, some lion juice to put up to you there to get you giving people a compliment. You don't mean so, um, I, do you know what's funny? Cause we, we, we kind of got a lot of people that just had been on the pod and different just kind of, um, people that were around and stuff. And, and then they invite people or whatever, but like, do you know when you're like, I managed like busily to just embarrass myself and so to so many different people, Like I was on a real networking mission to just have 15

people think I'm an absolute spastic. Um, so, but we were on. So anyway, we were doing it. Everyone's happy, but I got to be the general. So like at the end, like I'd have my timer on and then I just start shouting at people. You know what I mean? I drink up you fucking weasel. Yeah. You've got to be on it, haven't you? Yeah, you have to be on it. Because if someone drinks too quickly, and then you've got your eye on the clock and you're like, we're going to be leaving here in 10 minutes and then some fucker goes for another round.

That's right. Someone needs to take the lead on that. 100%. And you know what? People want the discipline. They enjoy it. They want to be told what to do. They want to be someone's the captain, someone's the boss.

There was a few little worms that started chirping little Newton. He's like, Oh, why can't we say it for two pubs? I was like, shut your little whore mouth. And they were like, I spit, I had to lay down the law. I made an example of a few of them. Um, spat in their face. I said, you little English country. Um, everyone there was English. So no one like that. But, uh, it was just the only Irish one. But, um, but English, so no one liked that book. Uh, it was just the only Irish one. But, um, but then, you know, so we're going around, we're doing all this and then next thing, you know, a fucking, a big shipment from China of, uh, five big bags that Charlie gets flown in and, uh, now every, and I've got, I've got given my own, um, I

rarely have my own one. I'm usually sharing it with somebody my own one, which is, Oh, that's a Christmas booking in it. That's a special occasion. That's a special occasion. I'm on my own one and just, I'm coming out, just going up to people. I'm like, lad, you're, you're so talented. Listen, what you need to do, you need to focus on trying to get clips out every week. That's how you build your audience. Oh no, oh, coked up social media advice. Yeah. You need to be subtitling everything. Subtitling everything, because the thing is...

Are you using hashtags, boy? I'm like, you have to tell them... What time of day are you releasing them? Midday or 5pm? Lad, that's exactly what I was like. And I can just get flashbacks of the kind of fear in their eyes and just uneasiness. Like it's just like, this isn't fun. Like I wasn't funny once for seven hours. I was dead serious and having, and having the time of my life. I was, I couldn't believe it. Like, this is some fun, isn't it?

They're kind of like, yeah, when we're not talking to you, it's good. But, uh, What are you doing with clips? It's just my girlfriend. She's got a normal job. I remember saying to one of them, I was like lad, lad, lad, lad. I was like, you're a good looking lad. You need to zoom in on the face. That will, that will help with the algorithm. I'm telling you, it will help. And they're kind of like, all right, yeah, yeah. They thought I was trying to fuck them probably. Um, and then I was going, whatever. But so anyway, it was a, it was a, it was a very fun night. Did you get the 12 pubs in? Yeah. All right. Cause a lot of these usually the wheels come off, don't they? That's right. And then you get to like eight and it's like, oh, it's yes.

But I think like, so cocaine in that kind of environment is like the way cyclists all have to take drugs to do the Tour de France. If you're not on them, you don't have a chance. Right. Do you know what I mean? So anyone who wasn't, yeah, they fell off. Back then, if you weren't doing drugs, like you had no, like you're right, you had no chance.

They would all do it. Oh, and the- It was just who was the best at it? In the Lance Armstrong era. Yeah. Is it, is it clean now cycling or is that naive? It is in its fucking hole. They're not, they have found new ways to, I read a, uh, this article thing about it in Switzerland, like when they're like, if you're good at cycling, which how are you

even good at? I don't believe in someone being good at cycling. You just chose you're going to do cycling. He's always early for school. I've got that with basketball. I don't know how they're all the same at basketball. You're completely wrong. I don't know how you've gone from this to what you mean. I don't understand how you can be so much better at basketball than someone else. Well, I think watch Lebron James.

What are you talking about? When you're six foot five and you're eight years old, that's a sign. He's just bigger. No, he's not. No. They also have to be then good at basketball. I don't know. I think they're all the same and some of them just have bad days and some have good days.

Kyle, I've heard you say something like strangely enlightening things. Look at him looking at the camera. Strangely enlightening things in his pop. I don't know why, but basketball, I feel like he's just done the same thing he did 10 minutes ago. You're absolutely out of your mind. One of the best players in the league is six foot tall, smaller than everyone. Steph Curry. He just throws it from far away. But it always goes in. How does he get it in? Every time it goes in. I think basketball is one of the lowest sealants for skill. Have you? Wow. That is what this is one of the worst takes I've ever heard. Weird things

are beef with. I don't know what I don't know what it is. Yeah, but then you've got to appreciate as well. I got right. Here we go. Now here we go. Genuinely the one everyone knows has the most difficult. Now it's difficult to get go that but then you should all just be the same. You're all trying to do the same thing. They can all do it if they are and it's nice. What do you think? Pitted fair and hit it nice. Some days some other than do good. He's hit it nice once again. Sorry, some days they do it better than others. No, some days they're having a good day. Yeah. Yeah. That's life. What about darts? No, that's a skill. I know. I think I just, it's hard to even

argue with you on this because it's just such a bad take. You literally think about the Harlem Globetrotters or the skill level Kobe or any of these guys had, which is just like look at a skills compilation. Just holding the ball. They're not just holding the ball. They're dribbling the ball. They're moving. No, they're doing ankle breakers. It's movement. It's technique. Even the worst, worst players in the NBA would still be like super skillful and like incredible to watch. Exactly.

And then there's the, then there's the, the, the phenom. Okay, what I'm saying is I think the range is the smallest. I think like the range in football is so big. Like you had him a guy to like your messy. They're playing the same sport. I think the range in basketball smaller, they can all do the same stuff. No, no, there's different positions. You need to have a look at, do you know, two players that are in the NBA, LeBron James and his son, Ronnie, one of the most egregious weasels that's ever

entered any sports organization. Also, by the way, embarrassing name. You're going to call your son who you're going to put in the same fucking sport as you, little Ronnie, like after LeBron, Ronnie, just call him George or, you know. George James. George. Shh. That's actually quite sick. This is the most English name I've ever heard.

George James, he is my son. George James the third. They think the Rangers smaller than in basketball. What do you mean? No, the best player can do what the best player can do. They just don't do as often. No, they can't. It's exactly the same, I reckon. No. As football. So like Brad Friedl can do what the best player can do? They just don't do it as often. No doubt. It's exactly the same I reckon.

Do you think that's football? Yeah. So like Brad Friedl can do what Neymar can do. But that's the different positions in his different sports. You think that because there's more players on the team, there's more positions, the range is higher. The range in football is bigger than basketball. I think a big lumbering, is it the centre who's the big dude who basically...

That's Shaq. Right. Mincing around, clobber basically... That's Shaq. Right. Mincing around, clobbering. Yeah but Shaq can score. Yeah I know Shaq can score but not every bloody big fucking... Casey Keller couldn't score. Yeah but Baron Trump's not in the fucking NBA is he? Do you see Baron Trump there?

He's 6'9 but he's going to be a dog shit. Have you seen him play football? Yeah. Pikeman. Is he good or bad? Awful. He's awful. No he does some good shit though. No. He's good or bad? Cause I can't work it out. He's awful. He does some good shit though. No, he's just, he's just two foot bigger than everyone else. Just going

around just grabbing people. That's what I mean. I think the range is just smaller. I think that's what I mean. Right. I think also you've not watched a lot of basketball, so you're not that into it. It's all the same. Right. Okay. So I think that might discount the argument a little bit. I haven't watched it, but it just looks like a load of big cones throwing a ball around. Shite. A big part but it looks like a load of big cones throwing them all around. A big part of this is you're talking out your hoop. You're beautiful Spanish hoop. But he knows it. The worst player versus the best player in the league, one on one, would be closer than

the worst Premier League player and the best. But what situation would there be a one on one in football that is like... It's difficult to do a one on one in football, but... Brad Friedl against Messi. I mean, I do want to watch it. Yeah. We're back in Brad there to do what in his pump. Friedle at his peak. Yeah. There was, there was a black guy. Ronaldo. Who was the first one? He said he won the war trousers. He's in goal. Really? He was cold or what? Yeah. Yeah. Really? Yeah. I mean, that's the man who wouldn't work to warm himself. If you're getting paid over 20 grand a week, take off the pants.

Do you know what I mean? And that goes to anyone. Only fans. Like why? Lily Phillips. She knows. It's his brand. It's his brand. Yeah. I'm wearing my pajama bottoms. What are you going to do about it? And they were like great track. He's like cotton ones as well. Like sport. He's the best keeper in the, what do you think he was doing that? Cause you know that thing where I I'm here now, all women are like, Oh, I hope they're wearing gray sweatpants. These pervy women lost for women. So that person was trying to be a heartthrob. We just want everyone to see the outline of his cock. Also, if you're coming in one on one and then you see the outline of just a beautiful, scobby c***.

Hungarian c***. Was he Hungarian? Next thing you're scying it into the fucking nosebleeds, aren't you? Because you've been, you've got cock brain and he knew that, maybe. Is he Hungarian? He's Hungarian. Is he Hungarian? He's Hungarian.

Nice. Oh! And he's white. Oh, brother. Have you got grey sweatpants? Hungarian. Me?'s white. Oh brother. Have you got grey sweatpants? Me? I feel like I'm, I want to. It's the Nike bastards, isn't it?

That's what the girls want. Yeah, the classic. I have these little yellow yokes. So what these are are golf pants, right? But they look kind of casual, but they're really tracksuit bottoms and everybody loves them. So, but if you look at William on stage, you're getting your cock out ladies. So it looks like you've got a small dick that's hard.

Well, don't say that on the thing. Say that off the camera. Um, no, you don't say that. You say, whoa, that makes my, it's not making the shape that I, cause I think you've got an absolute weapon, mate. I think you've got an agricultural Irish cock. I've got a big fucking, big fucking thick farm. The cows in the lowest skill sport then. Huh? Do you mind? We're talking about my big farm cock. You're going to try bring it away from me. What do you think the lowest skill spot is lowest skilled sports? Um, it's gotta be one of the niche ones. Isn't it? Cause less people have tried saying is cycling or running. Cause you're just, you're just low skill. Listen.

Yeah, it is. It is. It is low skill. You just have to keep running. Just keep going on the ball. So that goes in. No, no running. You literally go, Hey, you've got to go this far.

Try and do it as quick as possible. It's not like, did you see him? He starts spinning. Is running a sport? Yeah, it is absolutely a sport. Yeah, but if I... Carly's been the biggest contrarian this morning. Yeah, shite basketball shite.

Yeah. Fucking darts. I don't think it's shite. I just think... What I find mad is that you're having to dig a basketball and then for no reason, you're the white knight of running. When's the last time you went for a run? Last week, I went for 5K, Santa Daesh was Zoe's place.

Did you actually? Yeah. Because I had you down as a man now. I was the time before that. You was working the bed, you'd sleep on the floor kind of thing. Yeah, I won't work, I won't run for anyone. Yeah. You run for Santa?

Yeah, I run for Zoe's place. You ran for Zoe, oh for the charity? Oh, we had a great time, it was a really nice group event.. I didn't contribute one penny. I was playing basketball for Zoey's place. We made, we made, I mean, you'll find out in the special how much we made, but we made a lot of money. Yeah. Well guess what? We made fucking 35,000 pounds for medical aid in Palestine. Uh, uh, me and Vittorio and you cannot believe how many people I told that on Coke on Monday night. You would not believe, do you know what I came to? Coked up for Palestine.

Lad, I blacked out for a few hours, right? Between the kind of the hours of about half one and seven o'clock in the morning. And I came back to consciousness in the middle of a full blown, in a person's apartment I'd never been in, just me and him, and just being like, what Israel is doing is wrong. Just, I came to consciousness right in the middle of it. Was he Jewish? No, he wasn't.

Were you saying this to him? I was saying to him, I was like, what Israel is doing is wrong. And he's kind of looking at me and he's like... When are we this to him? I was saying to him, I was like, what is it I'm doing is wrong. And he's kind of looking at me and he's like, when are we going to fuck? He's like, he's like, you want another whiskey or something? I was like, yes, now the time's you know, I'm still thinking around the 12 pubs now. And then, uh, and then I had to wake up. So when you wake up the next day in someone else's house and you're just like, oh, and you hear them in the kitchen and you're like, you don't know

them well enough to be like, so you have to come out and just say, hey, I was like, how are things? He's like, are you all right now? And I was like, was I not all right? Oh yeah, no, I'm good. Yeah. Yeah. And he like gave me some Ribena and, uh, and I went home and, uh, and then yesterday I watched, I watched Bridget Jones, Bridget Jones, edge of reason and not in hell. I just went fucking all in a hundred percent. Just. Just you? No, no, no. There was different people with me at different times, different ones of my roommates. But let me tell you this, Bridget Jones, the first one,

beautiful film. Isn't she meant to be overweight and she's like a size eight? It's absolutely mental. She just has tits and people are like, fat bitch. Like literally in the movie she is like the sexiest Renais Elway has ever been. She's gorgeous. She's a bit overweight. She has tits and a bum. That's it. She's gorgeous. And everyone's like, who's this fat whore?

Get away from me fatty. Here's some biscuits you cunt. Like it's mental. I haven't seen that for a while. Lad, let me tell you, beautiful film. We had tried to, cause I was down in my room mate, I was like, well, just be easy watching. First she says we've mama Mia. So I was like, I'd never seen it. So put it on five minutes unwatchable. Thank you. It's terrible. It's the worst film I've ever made. I was five minutes in and I just looked at her and I was so fragile at this point. I've been, I have so many memories of humiliating myself from the night before. I can't listen to honey honey. It just starts, I was like, good God.

Mamma Mia, Mamma Mia, they break into song. The cinematography gives you jaundice. They've like hiked up the colours on it. It's sunny. Oh, it's so painful. It's the worst, Phil. I actually think not. I just had an idea, sorry to. By the way, if you're 55 and you're a woman, of course you love it. Yeah, can we do a hate watch film club week

where we hate the films, because that'd be great. Two of the worst films I've made, I have to agree. But Mamma Mia, like I was, it almost made me just, ah, stop, like just atrocious, and the way they're dancing around and everything, I was like, you all stink. You're all bad actors. Piers Brosnan ruins it. He's fucking up. He's James Bond fucks it.

Oh, it's well ruined before that. Brosnan comes in. I didn't even get to Brosnan. Brosnan's in it. I mean, I do love, he's an Irish, an Irish king. You missed out. You missed out. You should have carried on. So you did, you did Bridget Jones, the OG, which is a good film. So Bridget Jones, your great film. I'll tell you what, two moments in the movie, I was in absolute floods of tears.

Now I was very fragile at the time, but the moment where I'm trying not to get emotional even repeating it, but cause Colin Firth is so like just stoic and you know, he, but he has these beautiful like brown eyes that without moving his face, he portrays so much like longing and want and like pain that he can't express himself. And so Bridget Jones thinks he hates him and she's been shagging Hugh Grant to, you know, who'd stick it in the crack in the wall. The guy, you know what I mean? Which is beautifully cast, isn't it? I mean, Hugh Grant famously is that guy. That's right. But before that, Hugh Grant had always played the, well, you know, whoopsie daisies. I thought I might if you would, but we can't, maybe we would try, you know, just repeating things and the nicest guy that ever lived.

And then he's in this and he's just fucking joining mean? He's a bad guy. Oh yeah. He'd fucking, he'd get on top of a rusty nail and ride it. Um, so he's just so horny, but, um, so she's shagging him. And of course he's, we're doing film club of Bridget Jones. That's right. Now Friday, but so he's this obviously suave, cum filled, flock and everything and then Firth is just, you know, wearing these stupid Christmas jumpers and one of the most miserable cunts ever committed to cinema. And then at one point she thinks he hates her and he is, she's leaving and she's made a fool of herself once again and everyone's been a fat whore, you know, just stupid fat bitch. It's incredibly how badly she's seen it.

It's mad. You fat slag out you go. Take some biscuits, bitch. You know, so anyway, she's heading out with some yoke and Colin Fur like trundles on, trundles on down, right, after. And then he goes, she goes, oh, what do you want to say now? She's like, she's just like, I'm sick of you taking glee

and me being embarrassed at something. It's like, well, you said, you know, well, the thing is, I, I like you. And it's just like, just those words. Your British accent's really good. I, um, I've been living with the enemy for a while. I like you. And, and she was like, you like me, but she's like, but I'm an idiot. You know, I'm a fat stupid bitch. I'm always eating biscuits. Look at my big knickers. I look at my fat knickers and I'm addicted to Pringles and there's no way for me to, and I've always made a fool of myself and I smoke and I drink too much and I fart on children and and and and then she and then he just goes and said I know all that and I like you just I like you just the way

you are. He knows all that. I fart on children. I know. Yes I know you want in love in it. You want someone that knows you fart on children and accepts it. I know you shit in the mouth of little people and you know, try to steal from old Indian women. I know that and he is going a bit more Indian. There we go. It had to come out at some point. I know you're still by the way, I'm dying to watch the Mike Rice's remake of Bridget Jones. Lads. It's not verbatim by the way he says them things. No, I mean, I'm obviously, uh, you know, I think so. Yeah. Forbating.

That's the script. I learned it. Richard Curtis, great writer. Um, so, so you said you have been shitting in the mouths of orphans and I cannot get enough. No. Uh, but it's the way that he reluctantly tells her it's so hard for him to tell her that he likes her painful. Yeah. And when he says and look in her face, I was bawling crying. Now at the time my roommate was there as well and she is a, a very like beautiful friend who was there. And I was like, this is great that she'll see me crying at this. Yeah, COVID in Pringle dust. He's so vulnerable. I honestly did. Because I don't know about you now. And you tell me about it. Like, and sometimes when

I'm when I this last year, I was on strong antidepressants, so I couldn't cry. And it does it. You can't cry at all. You can't cry. So it's terrible because can't cry. And uh, it does it. You can't cry at all. You can't cry. So it's terrible because can't cry. Won't come. I would love to watch that as well. Uh, but when you, when you cry, I don't know about you, but like, I feel like that's the, I feel like a little, I'm like a little Irish poem. You know what I mean? I'm an angel. Do you know what I mean? I do feel like, I'm like, good Lord. Now, we were talking about this recently because I caught myself off guard

and watched a Meet Joe Black, a little short of sleep. And I went from the, you know, when your eyes are leaking, you're like, oh, look at me, I'm crying. That's fine. And then tried to hold in the full sob. And in trying to hold it in, it was almost like, you know when you're pissing and you go, just to see if you've got the bladder control,

try and stop pissing mid flow and your dick's like, you will explode all over the bathroom. I tried to hold in the sob and it just intensified the eventual sob. And I went, and had to let it all out. I have never cried like that. Where were you in the cries go?

Was this just a bit of a leaky eyes or was this a full, did it catch you? No, it caught me. So first it was like, um, it was leaking down my thing and then, so this face is leaking down my cock, my tears and uh, no, yeah, my face obviously. So it's leaking down my face and that, that was that part. But then, and I was like, I was properly crying for that, but then there's a part, Bridget Jones's mother has left, uh, her father for this like fucking like suave game show man who's like shagging her off the arse and stuff. I don't know where he's shagging her, but that's what I was, but she's like, he's slipping it in unexpectedly. She says that at one point

I was like, that sounds like he's raping you, but whatever. It was a different time. It was 2002. It was a different time. Um, there is also, and I'll get it, I'll get to Notting Hill, but in, so in it, right? So then the wife, Bridget Jones's, uh, at the mother comes back to the father and she's like, you know, and he's been like heartbroken, like living his own, all his plates, Jim Broadbent and he's amazing. And he's so lovely and he's sitting there and really sad and, and she goes, I was just wondering if maybe you'd give me another chance. And then he was there and he was tearing up. He's like, I'm not sure I can.

She's left him to be shagged off the earth by this. And then she goes, I guess all I wanted was for you to pay more attention to me. You used to be so mad about me. And you didn't see them tearing up. And I was bawing, balling. I was just like, no, no, no, no, no. Are you crying for your, for the marriage you're not in in 30 years or something. What is connect like with me, Joe black, it's someone old saying goodbye to his daughter. So that's an easy jump for me because I've got a daughter. How are you getting upset about a marriage that is 25 years down the line? It connected. Psychotic amount of empathy. It's unbelievable. I appreciate you too much. I could, I could drag. Yeah. If someone treated a stone badly,

I might be upset. Who do you feel sorry for the most? Huh? Adam Rowe. Will he ever find happiness? I think he's got it. Let's hope so. No, I, so that made me just so, because it's an older, your your mother imagine seeing your mother crying So what I mean now I have seen probably probably most was have but you know what I mean a heartbroken Old man. Yeah, but you'd write a song about that after getting shagged in the arse. Oh, come on Everyone makes mistakes. Oh, he's a game show. He's a game show. Oh, 2002 It's a different time. You're telling me you wouldn't let Bradley slip it in? Is he like Forsythe or Walsh?

Huh? What kind of? I would say he's more even, no, cause he's a stockier, fake tanned, what was your name? Nick Knowles. Yeah. Like that. Dom Jolly. But Noel Edmonds kind of as well, like the hair.

A little bit of a creepy vibe to him. Um, so that had me balling. Then we watched the second Bridget Jones, which is dog shit. Is she farting that as well? She's fatter than that one. And I will give it the right about her in the second one. Is that the one where Hugh Grant, they have the fight? Is that the fight? They do the fighting both because they need a recurrent, the fight went down so well with everyone they have the fight in the second as well. But in the second one, then she's in Thailand and there's these scenes where she's just like in jail with all these Thai women and they're all singing like, like a virgin, like

a virgin, like it. And it's just, and it's good gravy, but it's like you're looking back, you're like the first film they seem to be pro-rape. Now they're having a go at the Thai people. You always go to Thailand, like the hangover went to Thailand. Yeah. Is that like the sequel? Let's go to Thailand.

I think some part of it is like, listen, people are going to like hearing people sound, no offence, but sound a little funny. We don't have any fresh ideas. Bring them to Thailand, get the Thai people singing a few songs we know in a Thai accent. And that's going to be good gravy. Remember the first time I came on here, I didn't, uh, I don't do it. You remember, uh, and then we went to Dawson's Creek. He went to India on the back of that. Just clip this out when we definitely go to Thailand in three years. There's these Christmas, uh, this Christmas album that Victoria's girlfriend has, um, which is just a guy in

an Indian accent singing all the Christmas. I want to show you something wonderful later. Do you know what mate you're in? You're in a good bill. Jingle bells, jingle bells, can I play one? No, no, no. It's so good., no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no it. This is fucking gorgeous. But not in hill. But not in hill you enjoyed. Oh, not in hill. Then return to farm. Not in hill. Hugh Grant being a fucking, the Welsh guy, Ray C. Fins, who's like, why don't you try slipping in a, I just slip it in there. And you're like, again, like you're like, you're suggesting rape. You can't be a, I'm not joking. There's a few things you're like, cause Julia Roberts is in the bed upstairs and then Hugh Grant, of course I'll take the couch because mama laid and we must brown bread sleep on the

couch. And then so he goes down to sleep on the couch and then your man, Reece Stevens goes like, what are you doing? He's like, go up there, go up there, try to sleep at dinner. And you're like, that's a well Jackson. Everyone. That is well. So I'm not being offensive anymore. Is it? Hmm. It's borderline. Oh, he's come on. He's fine. I'm mental. I'm a flat made. I go fucking, I'm absolutely mental. I've got snorkeling gear on. That's right. I'm having my conflicts with snorkeling here. I'm mad. Yeah. What kind of wash? That's south. South. South. South. South. But he is fucking, he is great in it. Um, sorry, go on. We're getting off there. Wait. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. But see my head is like a

bag of scrambled eggs right now. So I'm once I'm once I'm knocked off, I need some sprinkles. How come you went for Notting Hill and not Bridger Jones three? Uh, because after Bridger Jones two, I said this is only going one way and that's straight into the new one coming out. I thought you might've been doing a, like a, a recap to go and watch the new one. No, do you know what? Bridges Jones can fuck off now. And by the second one I was like, yeah, do you know what? They were right. She's fat. I'm not watching this anymore. Because she's had a lot of work done, hasn't she? She doesn't look like the girl next door that she is in the new one. No, to be fair, she's gorgeous in all of them.

And her English, I can't tell, but in my mind, I think she's fucking nailing it. I said, fair fucks, you're a beaut. But I will say, the Bridget Jones thing, do you know the way she's like a mess in the whole thing? But he found that and you might have something like this. Do you know that thing? Do you remember in Goodwill Hunting where fucking Robin Williams starts talking about his wife farting in her sleep? Yeah. On the bench?

I think they could have been on the bench and he's just like, she'd wake her up with her own farts. And then he was like, and he he was like, that's the good stuff, man. That's what you love. And I was thinking when I was going out with my ex, she used to do this thing where at night and I didn't know a phrase, she never told me she farted. Right. She did it all day. But at night, every time right before you go to bed, she put her head there on my shoulder and she just out a little flurry of farts,

silent farts, right? Wouldn't say anything to me, but then the smell would just come up from underneath the covers, straight into my face. And this how stupid I am. I swear to God for about three months, I just thought her head smelled like shit. I swear to God, and only at night I thought genuinely had to thought Mike, Mike, why do

you keep buying me new shampoo? Why do you keep buying me new shampoo? Mike trying to slip it in my Jackson. I thought I had to smell like shit, but only at night. I remember saying it to people. They were like, how's it going? I was like, it's going well, but like her head gets really smelly at night. I don't even, I don't even know what's happening with it. And like fine, finally, like, in a kind of vulnerable moment, like when she like was like, she's like, just so I know she's like, I've been farting, you know, like just, I

know I, I was still so dumb. I was like out your head. It's like, and then she was like, no, my ass, my bum. Yeah. And I was, oh yeah. Fucking idiot. Oh my heads. Oh yeah. Right. I smell you. Beautifully done. You've, you've seen us into the break. Oh, and the other If you're at a point in life when you're ready to lead with purpose, we can get you there. The University of Victoria's MBA in Sustainable Innovation is not like other MBA programs. It's for true changemakers who want to think differently and solve the world's most pressing challenges. From health care and the environment to energy, government and technology, it's your path to meaningful leadership in all sectors. For details visit uvic.ca slash future MBA. That's u-v-i-c dot c-a slash future MBA. Welcome back to part two of four.

If you're enjoying this episode of the Have A Word podcast, you should sign up to our Patreon, patreon.com slash have a word pod. Join one of the 28 and a half thousand lids in the Lid Army. You get an exclusive episode every Wednesday. Me, Adam Carl and the lads. He's the lads. He's involved in the lads.

You also get the early release of the public episode. So you're no longer a pub. You're one of the lids. The back catalog of all the specials. And if you enjoyed the insane amount of film talk that we managed to do in the first section, there's also Harry Finn and Carl's Finn Club, amongst other stuff.

We've got India coming out in the next couple of months. And I've just showed you a little video that is a snippet of a snippet. Well, they're doing something good, aren't they? Do you know what? And you told me it had made each and cry. Yeah. Um, so then I was a little bit, me was trying too hard to cry while watching it. Cause I was like, I don't want to seem like the heartless cunt that doesn't cry at

this Indian children dancing. Um, but it looks, uh, I mean it's like something. It's like, it's a movie. It's like a movie. It's cinema. Yeah. And it's put, you've got, there's nothing better. Slow motion of children and women dancing life doesn't get much better than that. That isn't going to be the whole special. That was just a three minute clip that we also did. We did the farming special not that long ago, Mike. We went into your world. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't know if you remember it. You said, Oh, do you want to come do the farm special. I said, yeah. And you were like, all right, great. Yeah. Next thing I see the farm special come out, not a sign of me on it. That'd have been weird if you were in it without actually

doing it. Not, not, not sight nor sound. A poor old Mike Rice. That's what I said. And you, and you in my neck of the woods making a holy show of the sacred art of farming. I mean, we actually tried pretty hard. I mean, we took the piss a little bit and then the farmer seemed to get annoyed. So we toned it down a bit. Yeah. The farm like, well, they have enough under place with the whole inheritance. We got some very sound farmers involved. Yeah. I've never felt better than in that little, what was it called? It was kind of a truck. JCB was called something. It was like a child, an excavator digger. You know that my father used a tractor to the idea of a tractor to propose to my mother.

So he says to her, they'd been going out like, uh, I think maybe like a year or something like that. And he wouldn't be able to say say I don't think he would have it in him to say will you marry me it's just he's not like you know like older Irish man he can't say I love you Anthony that's what he says he says to her I think about buying this new tractor but if we were maybe thinking of doing something else in the next six months, maybe I wouldn't buy the tractor and maybe we'd use the money for something else. And that was as clear as proposal as she got. That's right.

And then she was like, what do you mean? He's like, well, sure. I think you know what I mean. And then he said the deal for the tractor, because there was a deal being done down in Duggan's, Duggan's down the road where it was like, but the deal was done at 10 past nine the next morning. So he said, you better let me know before 10 past nine tomorrow or I'm buying the tractor. And she said, oh, well, let me think about it. He was like, right, whatever.

And then he went and bought the tractor the next day. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then she came back out the next night and she was going to say, uh, yes, but she came back out and she was like, well, did you buy that tractor? He was like, I did. Yeah. And then she stormed off. Yeah. Passive aggressive little Mikey rice might never have been born. Little Mikey, this big lump of a fucking this old deranged crow. What did I call myself earlier? A crow with

the shits or something. So how, how did he manage to get the tractor on the girl? Well, so then he just went in to the house and then my mother and my granny were sitting together by the fire and they were just caught saying what a stupid conty is. And then when was this? Cause it sounds like it was long 1843. This would have been just after the famine ended. So 1851, 1851 about that, during the Victorian era here. But no, so it would have been 1988, 1998. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something I love. But you have to realize as well, like in Ireland, you know, for the internet, like things didn't modernize in Ireland until the 90s. So it was, it was very different. It was very offers on tractors ended at 10 past nine, 10 past nine.

If you don't have the tractor, you can fuck off. Is there anything that hasn't got yet? What? It is like walk. I don't know. You said like, we don't have Greg's. We don't have Greg's. We love Greg's.

Why don't you have Greg's? I no one would ship. He's though. Good ship. He's not the equivalent of Greg's. No, like you have Gregg's? I no- You have good chippies though. Huh? Good chippies. Do you not have the equivalent of Gregg's then? No. There's no like pasty shop. No, no, there's no chain.

And let me tell you- No, cause all the convenience stores have a fucking deli. Yeah. Spa make you a fucking phenomenal takeaway. Chipotle. What's it? The chicken bap. What is it? Chicken roll?

Chicken bake? No, it's, no, it's a chicken fillet roll, which I have every time I get a, at Dublin airport, uh, I get off there, I get a chicken fillet roll in the spare there. Unfucking believable. So that is what we have over you. Actually, we make shitty on that. We're shitting all over you. In the pub, you get a toastie. It's absolutely exceptional. The pub you get Toasty, but every shop has a counter where you get fresh sandwiches made like where like you also get a breakfast roll, which is like sausage rashers. We had, there was a massive hit song in Ireland called Breakfast Roll.

Two rashers, two eggs, two puddings, two puddings, one black, one white. You roll it up, they rolled up good and tight. Massive hit. Everyone was fucking, no joke, you roll it up, they rolled up good and tight. Massive hit. Everyone was fucking, no joke, number one in Ireland. Just a song about a role that you put sausages and rashers in. We couldn't believe it. Like there was women throwing their knickers, it fell a patch short, big star in Ireland. Um, but anyway, uh, there was another massive song in Ireland just called Where's My Jumper? I was just like, where's my jumper? Where's my jumper? We couldn't believe it because we're like, sometimes I

do lose my jumper. So that's where the fuck is it? Serika's mom's Irish. Huh? Yeah. She's from Cork and she used to sing that to Serika when she was a kid and Serika always thought that was a song she just made up and then heard it once like in Ireland on the radio and couldn't believe it. That song. I know massive, like a cultural phenomenon. Where's my jumper? Where's my jumper?

And he's not lying. I'm not lying, but that times that Ireland agricultural very jumper heavy society. Do you know what I mean? I like Dan's jumper. Huh? You're saying that as if you don't. HaveWordPod.com We were saying earlier, you are look like this is the sexiest I've ever seen Dan look.

Yeah, you're looking like square. Yeah, you look like fucking hench. This Have Word Pod merch sweatshirts doing a lot of the heavy lifting on that. Yeah. But it frames you beautifully, Dan. Yeah. The Jumbo Breakfast Roll song was the best selling song in 2006 in Ireland selling Shakira's hips don't lie by 500 copies. Only 500?

Only 500. It was a tight race. It was a tight race. We're very split on that year. Because we also loved in that, you know, when he's like, uh, was he like no fighting, no fighting at the start of hipstone. Like, which makes no sense. White cleft chain comes in and he's just like, no fighting. And then she talks about Rars for three minutes. Yeah. Just not on peace. No fighting or whatever. And but

in Ireland, I would hit a card cause like lads, we do need to stop fighting. I imagine why you like breakfast. If Wycliffe, if John, why does John, why does it like live Jean or is it Wycliffe Jean? It's Wyiffe Jean, Wycliffe Jean ended the troubles. That would be amazing. And it, well, that's it. The Catholics and Protestant heard no fighting and they were like, just, you know, I'm about a point there to count. Now let's hear about this Latin woman's hole. Anyway, the easiest trailer ever going to make it in my life. What was this now? Is there something to say here?

Is there surely? I've noticed what podcasting with Mike, if you don't get in quite forcefully, it just keeps rolling downhill. So we're doing a question. This is from Joe Mansbridge. Question for the pod. What would your make a wish be? Right.

For me? Yeah, you don't have to answer on behalf of anyone else. You can give your personal tint on this. But I'm not dying. No, but I mean one day you will be. And it's a long way away. Do all people get make a wishes? I think no, but maybe some awful malady hits you.

Go to the moon. Like to go to the moon. Really? I think I'd love to go to the moon. Just circle it or you're going to land. I'd like to orbit the moon. Right. I mean this isn't too ridiculous now because all the internet sort of oligarchs, this is

what they're into, innit? This is thearchs, this is what they're into in it. This is the sort of, this is what they do now. They can't, they can't show off with anything else apart from like space travel. Moon moon moon. I uh, I think, uh, I would spend, if I could like spend maybe five days with Roger Federer. Like five days with Roger Federer, like in his house and playing tennis with him. I love, I, I've gotten big into tennis recently. I'm playing and uh, I'm watching it and I'm watching it and I just... Skill level? Like... Very high.

Very high skill level. They're all doing the same thing. They're just banging a ball over a net. How would you ever shut up? Come on. There's no... I just don't believe you believe that. I went down to tennis YouTube rabbit hole a few months ago and there's a comedian,

I don't know if you've worked with him, Josh something, who plays against like pro tennis players. He's really good at tennis. Wow. And it's an hour against like Jamie Murray and it's like, it's not, it's not as far apart as you think. Hang on. You just, you just put Jamie Murray in as an example. Really small range. Yeah. He's, he's one like grand slam. He's never done anything on his own. You're talking about Andy Murray though. Are you? No Jamie's brother. He's his doubles partner. Oh, he's his doubles partner.

Yeah. All right. Oh, yeah, doubles. Oh, he's just shit out of doubles. What's he ever done on his Todd? Oh, fuck Jamie Murray. I'm coming off the beef for Jamie Murray. So you've taken up, you've got,

you think Jamie Murray's a freeloader. That's, you know. He's using the name. Right. The Murray name. So he's just getting in there. a freeloader. That's, you know, he's using the name, right? The money name. So he's just getting in there five days with five days with Roger Federer. I really think it might get awkward after the second afternoon. No, because I think he's very comfortable with silence and you can tell that you can tell the sophisticated guy, not that hair, the sophistication, the artistry when he's playing also, he doesn't feel he

needs to be yapping all the time. He doesn't make the grunting noises for people like, uh, uh. You don't hear a peep out of him. He let the tennis do the talking. Yeah. You know when he even comes, it's just like... Forty love? He comes 40 times. Game, set, match, Federer. Everything's competitive. He just leaves. Slaps his missus like that.

Yeah. Yeah. Lovely backhand. Oh man, I loved that. But I can imagine being around, imagine how like lovely his house would be to have a little pool. And I feel like we play tennis and then after we go for a little steam. Do you want to fuck him? Little court bunch. No go for a little steam, do you want to fuck? Little cold ones? No, I genuinely don't want to fuck.

Where is family? Are you getting, are you just? No, they're not there. All right. His family are gone. Like four kids. His family have been killed in this fantasy. Oh shit.

So he's also a grieving. So there's also a sadness there. Oh, you get him vulnerable. Yeah. You don't kill them do you? No, no, no, I don't. No, they get hit by. Yeah. Don't kill them. Do you? No, no, no, I don't know. They get hit by a truck. Um, and he survives, but he's in, he's in a wheelchair. So I have to carry

him off to bed and then, but, and then we play tennis, but more with it, but then we play tennis because he's in a wheelchair. I just hammer him. I'm like, that's three sets to nothing. You can't. This is all, this is all gone out of hand. I'm very sorry. I told you wish though. Yeah. What is it? Family have to die. He's in a wheelchair. Mike goes around for five days. Sort of all it's Roger Federer. I think that's exactly what you know, multiple like what's grand slam winning tennis players need a Mike Rice to get through a horrific, horrific grieving process. And then I'm like, cause we're sitting there and we're in the, we're in the, the steam room and then I'm like feeding them a little Swiss choc, see Swiss. So he'd like, so like Swiss cheese, Lindor and Swiss Lindor

brother. And he's just, he's like, and he's like a little cat. He's like a little cat. Or do you know, like when old people get communion at mass and they'll, have you ever seen that? He didn't grow up going to Catholic church. All people go up like this. Yeah, we do that. What about you? Would you ever do this? No way brother. That's surely the sign of the devil. No, no. That's when you go up and you don't want to. All right. I was here up and you're like generation X big exhibit. Then you go off like that. And that means like, I want to be blessed.

Yeah. I don't want to. So the old people, it's a very tentative aged like, well, no, they just go up. I think it's cause they can just get away with murder. They're close to death and they're just like, put it, it's a bit dirty. I put it straight in my mouth. Do you know what I mean? To the priest and the priest has to be like, Jesus, and they've got green tongues on them. Do you know what I mean? So they haven't been, they haven't been taking care of Rogers. This is why the priest go for the boys, isn't it? Right. So that's my make a wish. What's yours? To kill Roger Federer's family. Sinks up so nicely. We do need someone to do that. When I'm going to

move, what is a, what is a make a wish is usually like in my head, can you swim with anything else? Meet John Cena. John Cena. Yeah. I'd love to swim with John Cena in Ellesmere port. Yeah. At the baths. Yeah. And meet a dolphin and swim with John Cena. I'd like to wrestle a dolphin. Oh, lad. I could swat a dolphin. No.

What a nasty. In a bottle nose? In a wrestling ring? If he's out of water, yeah. Give a good chance. Fish out of water. A bottle nose. Right. Are they mammals?

Yeah. They are. They're the smartest. They're the smartest mammals besides humans, I believe. Dolphins? No, I've never seen them do anything that smart personally, but people say they're like the water. When I see one on a unicycle, I'll buy into it. But like that's a you saying that is like a bird saying about humans or they can't even fly. But we can do everything else. Right, yeah, but they'd be like how smart they can be if we're up here shitting on their heads.

They can't drive. Birds. Yeah. Yeah, but why would they even bother, lad? They're flying, aren't they? They wouldn't, why would you try drive? You're not gonna, are you? We don't try move through the soil like a worm, do we? No, cause we don't have to. We're up here having a laugh fuck off Jake Garrett says we've

got another Jake Garrett says and wag wag lids please keep this anonymous simple would you rather for you would you rather have one ridiculously long piss and then never have to piss again or Have one huge shit and never have to shit again Just for context the average human shit 17 miles worth of poo across their life and spend 68 days of their existence pissing I like a good piss Yeah, oh, I'm dead against you here. Oh, it's great effect easy a good piss feels phenomenal I know, but it's just the fact that you have to do it seven or eight times a day and sometimes you have to do it in a day.

But when you're adding your pisses up it's not equal in one shit is it? Oh it absolutely is. Do you piss eight times a day? You might be diabetic. You need to finger up your arse. Right well I'll get the finger up my arse. I couldn't be pissing seven times a day. If I'm taking in enough aqua, agua. Agua. Oh yeah, if I'm hydrating properly. Si. How many times you pissing? Now I'm genuinely worried about my own bladder.

Four tops. Say four. Oh, what a privilege it is to be young. On a night out maybe more because you've broke the seal. I break the seal in the morning. I have to have a piss early morning and go back to bed That's mental. I'm getting up early morning shit, but I do I shit I think Me and Adam talked about this. I think he's similar by shit about six times a day

Right. Well now that class worse, isn't it? Well, it's worse than the piss because you're surviving on fucking salt and vinegar Surviving on Pringles brother. No, I've always had it. I told, I told, I think I may have told you this before. I definitely said on my other podcast, but I used to, my mother used to have to give me a note going to school, which was like the, a shitting license to let me like, I had to give to teachers cause it Did that have to be renewed or is it just, does it last? My shitting license. This hasn't been updated.

Yeah. It would have to be removed and Like a season ticket. You have a provisional shitting license. No, you get another note for that because that was really good. What? 002 he said. Oh, that is very good. You need to say these things. You need to say that louder. You need to say that louder. You can't be whispering gold underneath the car. That's what he used to do. He now does it loud. I'm just doing the quiet ones. The gaps with loud. For the real fans here. And they're like, I'm not a beaut by Finn. For me. Yeah. I'm not a beautiful whisper by Finn. One plop a day. Sometimes one plop

every other day. There's a satisfaction to it. There's a man at work, a good day's work. Don't you poo every day? Ah, come on, Dan. I can't fit in my schedule with all this pissing. Sit down, do both. That's what I do. Yeah. I sit down all the time. So what are you taking? What are you taking in this? One big poo. Right. I'm doing the pissing. Yeah. I'm doing the pissing because I love a shit. I love a shit. One big poo because you don't have a bad piss. No. There's times where shitting is bad. And inconvenient, but it's always fun. Problematic poos. And it's always exciting.

How do you plumb that though? Like the long piss you can piss down a drain for ages. It's magic Harry, it's a wood-a-rocker. No, if you have to do a 65 yard poo, like my toilet doesn't, can't handle that. I'd poo outside then. Oh, you've got to take yourself off into the forest. You'd have to go to the woods.

Exactly. That is not something you're doing at home. Right. Like a Viking burial, you just have to wander off. Yeah, I'd pee in like a gutter. The Himalayas probably, you'd want to go to have a sherpa with you kind of thing. And him kind of. Ayahuasca.

Yes. And him coming behind you kind of gathering the poo. Because you're bloated. Yeah. We'll do ask her. Yes. And him coming behind you. Because you're bloated. Yeah. We'll do some advice. Yeah. Oh, it's been such a silly one. We need to help solve your problems. I'll tell you the best thing to do.

If you want to do it, you'll be fine. If you don't, you might do time. Sir, agony. Fuck, y'all. Y'all go suck it. Y'all go suck it. Y'all go suck my... Gary says, yes, lids, need some advice. Me and my wife got married five years ago

and have been together since we were 23. I found out shortly after the wedding that she had cheated on me once about a year into dating. We had a big argument but decided we were meant to be together. Here's the thing. She gave me a hall but decided we were meant to be together. Here's the thing, she gave me a hall pass that I was allowed to use as a way to say sorry. I didn't think it would ever be something I'd use but recently in my office there's a new lady who is about 10 years older than me, very flirty and something in me just wants to have a go of her. Am I a dickhead

if I use my hall pass or was that just given to me in vain? Let me know fellas. And that's from Gary. Three lefts make a right, two wrongs do not. Oh, clip it. Nice. She, no, no, you shouldn't. You shouldn't do it. What if it's, oh come on. She didn't mean that. She didn't mean the hall pass.

It's an oral contract. Here we go now. Listen up now here Your brothers is a whole pass or whole pass. It's not. Are you thinking it said whole pass? All right. Whore pass. I said whole pass. That's also even more. Nothing better than a racy Tracy. There was a woman at Laura's work and she must've been late 40s in great, in great Nick, a sexual woman, a perm, still rocking the perm. She hit heights in the late eighties, got that perm and just enrolled with it. And I tell you what, if I was a single man in that, apparently had a penchant for the younger members of staff. Yeah. Get round to Christmas do, Racy Tracey's throwing it out there. But you're with Laura.

Well, obviously, I just appreciate the female form in all its permed wonder. That's right. I could see it. If I was a younger man in the office, a single younger man, and Racy Tracey was like double dropped the HRT. Racy Tracey. It got cut out. It's important that it's racy, not racist.

Yeah. Although- You fuck her, but never get going on immigration. There's an issue there of the cheat in a year in that is, that would be kind of a massive like bombshell. But now they're married, like what do they do? Yeah, but that's what I mean. That's then you'll go in. I'd be doubting everything they've ever said. But also, and this was made, and this is where Finn is correct here. I don't know

if you saw that show, white lotus, the second season anyway, but the basic thing was this girl was with her husband and she knows he's a big rotten cheating fucker, but she loves him and they've kids. That's it. But she just has to find a way. She's like, I just get my own back and I make sure I'm never a victim and I'll go get even myself. And then I never feel like I'm being. And how does she do it? By sucking the kioque off his mates. Now what I would say is this guy, what's happened here, she's cheated. It's uneven. He needs to even the score in a hall pass. Take this one into the toilets, disabled toilets, preferably if it was what I'd want and give her a right little rattle, slap the hell off her, have a great old time and then say, you know what?

One, one, let's move on brother. I mean, it will be the end of your marriage because that hall pass is an absolute load of made up shite. You don't tell her. That will get thrown back in your face. You don't tell her. Oh, so you're saying, take the hall pass as like a sort of confirmation.

Completely, and I've seen this done for us. So I'm like, look, if you've got one, go do it. Don't tell me anything about it. Just, that's your fucking, your little dance I'm giving you. Stop banging that around. If you were with someone for five years Just that's your fucking, your little dance I'm giving you. If you stop banging that around. If you were with someone for five years

and you're just about to get married and she comes to you and says, Finn, this is awful, but I need to say this because I can't marry you without telling you this. But a year in, I got pissed, it was stupid, I regretted it instantly and I should have told you then, but I can't marry you without telling you. That's selfish though.

Would that be the end of that? Yeah, I think so. Would you rather know though? Yeah. No, that's selfish. That's, oh, I want to unburden myself by ruining your life. No, but I suppose the selfish act has already happened, hasn't it? Yeah, but don't tell them.

If you still love them, what's the point in telling them? Oh, so where would you be with that? Would you rather not know? No. Why? Oh, you feel better now by unburdening yourself. No, no, but you would rather just marry and not know? No, why? Oh, you feel better now by own birth. No, no, no. So you would you'd rather just marry and not know. Absolutely. I'd rather know. Definitely. What for why?

If they were never doing it again. And it was like, as you're saying, one mistake. For what reason? It's just honesty, isn't it? Yeah, there's a lack of honesty. That's a big thing. No, I'm saying What I'm saying is it was one miss. This isn't me like all up to doing this by the way. It seemed like it doesn't. If it was one mistake and they'd never do it again, what is the point in them telling you just because otherwise they're hiding something from you forever. You would never know. I have to say Carl, you, you, you sort of do want to know really don't you? Surely you want to know by the way, this can't You want to know. By the way, this

can't be like whipped out the night before the wedding, like all cards on the table. I need to tell you something because that even if I could forgive it, the wedding's not happening the next day. I'm not going, shit, you saw how many dick? Like I can't then marry. Maybe I could forgive. Moments of weakness. Like what was it? Four years ago. That's really surprises me. You've taken this stance. I thought you'd want to know everything. No, because I think it's selfish to be like, oh, your life's now fucked. I feel better though.

No, but I don't know if that is what's happening necessarily. I do understand they're getting a guilty ting after. Why are you telling the person you've done it? What is the reason? Because you feel like you're betraying, you're keeping on the betrayal. Yeah, but the only outcomes are they break up with you, which is what you usually want to do, or you make that person feel like shit. There's no good outcome. No, there is a good outcome. They know everything and they forgive you and you get to move forward, honestly. Unlikely though, isn't it?

I don't know. Some people are going to draw the line in the sand in different places. Colleen Rooney, brother. She takes it. She takes the money. She takes the cash. John Terry's like, there's a lot of women now. Who I think, you know. If there's enough money now, the Patreon money coming in. I tell you, if Laura, I mean, we've been together 10, nearly 11 years. If she turned around and went, I've just got to let you know, I sucked off Jeff after about 12 months of us seeing each other. I don't think that would be the end.

You'd be pissed off if she told you. You'd be like, what have you told me now for? Why have you unburdened yourself and made me feel like shit? Well, 10 years I think. You're not playing me over that. You're not leaving her. All you should have done is sent you some shit to the manager that you didn't need to. Maybe I would want a hall pass. We need to start employing a divorcee 49 year old in this office. We need a racy Tracy

and then I've taken a whole pass. Right. Well, the thing is with racy Tracy, I'm now older and she's basically my age. She's just a woman my age. She's an older woman. She's two years my senior. Yeah. Don't know man. I've genuine advice. You can't use a whole pass cheat on your Mrs and be like one all because it won't stand up in marital court. I'd be interested to see what people say. Should we put this to a vote? Yeah. Comment. The one with the highest likes is the what are the two. So the options are you'd rather know or you'd take it to the grave or find out. Right. But also on the scale of the hall pass, but there's two votes here, isn't there? There's the, were you right to admit it? And what,

what's my man Gary doing? Yeah, what I'm saying is to Gaza, I think if the situation is, Hey, listen, you've got one, go do whatever you do, I don't want to know about it. Then I say, Hey, listen, go dance with the devil, go, you know, put some sunlight on your face. Get, you know, give yourself a beautiful dirty naughty Jizz. And then we're going to, but this is, this is a private secret. That's right. Because if it's a thing of like, okay, you've got hall pass, but you have to tell me, you know, you're going to be fucking taking a shit in the soup then. Joe, the mean, mean? You know that's not gonna fucking, you know.

I know, if you're gonna do it, I wouldn't do it with this older lady from work cause I feel like this- That's too close to home. Yeah. You're talking get away, get to Spain, get to Cyprus, get someone who is not fully able to walk. No, I'm joking.

Shack an old ship here woman. Mate, we cannot keep doing that call back. I know, I know, I know. Even as I was saying at that time, I was like, enough, I've done away. I've overcooked the goose here. And I apologize. I apologize. I have a head full of spiders. I'm not well. Don't use a hall pass. Do not use it. Especially if you're married, if you are happy right now in the marriage, then why even throw the cat amongst the pigeons? You know what I mean? I could forgive.

So here's the question. Would you rather she told you and you forgave her or she never told you? No, you're right. Absolutely right. I don't want to know fucking anything. Early doors, like, yeah, well, fuck now, this is based on nothing. But if you put 11 years in with Laura, you're right, absolutely right. I don't want to know fucking anything. Early doors, like, yeah, well, fucking hell, this is based on nothing. But if you put 11 years in with Laura. Yeah. You're like, why have you told me?

Stop kissing my children with that fucking dirty mouth. Point to that. Yeah. Well, part of the turn-on, that's the question. Would part of it. Oh, absolutely. If he was Puerto Rican. Kshkshkshkshksh.

Arrrrrrrrr. Ha ha ha. But is there any part in you that would have a little bit of a cock in you? You know what I mean? That I think there's part of me that just kind of. That's a big, that's a, that's a lane in it. And there's a, there's a poem where nothing actually happens in the thing. The, the wife comes home and goes, let me just tell you what I was doing tonight. I was getting railed by Jeff and... Big Jeff.

Jeff and John. Yeah, you can never have a threesome with two guys where there's alliteration. Right. Jeff and Johnny. And the husband's like, God, you're a dirty girl. And you tell me everything and she was like, we went to Wimpy.

Yeah. Yeah, got me the value meal and then took me back to a Premier Inn. One of Got me the, you know, the value meal and then took me back to her Premier and one of the new ones, you know with a modern. Yeah updated furnishings. This is Paul Newwatch. And then absolutely real me. The husband's like, oh you're dead. I was the Wimpy and she's like, you know, decent. And then they have sex? Sometimes, yeah. Yeah. Or he's just, just telling the story of the betrayal is like, is the kink. But you're so jealous and it's so wrong that it goes to the other side into evil horniness. Like, and then did he lick your bottom,

you dirty little eejit. And then she's like, he didn't. You're like, oh God, you have that belt around your neck. It's funny, because I've never ever seen Irish porn, literally of all the porn I've ever watched, never once have I heard it. There was a woman a while ago that came to Ireland and tried to, uh, corrupt the men of rural Ireland and she went around, uh, and she was burnt at the stake. I don't think she ever left Ireland. Um, but she was going around

shagging all these farmers and lads and it ended up going on camera and there was such a fucking scandal over the Irish. The Irish people are weird about, very weird about sex. Do you know what I mean? Like just, that is just completely, if you even said the word sex around my mother, she'd hit you with a frying pan. Which is another lane of porn. Yeah. Which which is another thing. The Irish frying pan. And you're like harder, you'd do the... Go on. No. Right, well, what's the vote then? We'll put it to the people.

Yeah. Is it... would you rather know or not know? That's the main bit, isn't it? Of what we're talking about. So if your partner cheated way back when... The context needs to be this time. Yeah, yeah. Not just early doors.

It's five years ago. I'd be interested to see what the votes are. Comment. All right, we'll have a break. Our guest is on the way. Nice. And we are back. And we've got comedy's very own Bemy Oladipo. Bemy!

Thanks for coming in, Bemy. Thanks for having me. Thanks for inviting me. Very excited. I only met you for the first time a couple of, three, four months ago. It was one of the Carl's Dojo comedy nights, wasn't it? September, I think. Someone...

Was it Teddys? Teddys? Yeah, someone didn't turn up. You came with Freddie Quinn. Fat Tony. Tony? Whoa, I don't know. And you had the gig of the night.

Absolutely. Oh, hoofed it. It was fun. Oh yeah. You did take the roof over. Absolutely. Oh, hoofed it. It was fun. Oh yeah. You did take the roof over. It was great. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. So yeah, thanks for having me.

Do you venture up north much? I do, you know. I've been here. I've been up north this year like loads. Manchester, Liverpool, back and forth. I've made it a point this year to come up north more and see if I enjoy it. Yeah, but you. And I do. It's good and it pays better.

Yeah, I got to travel though. I'm doing it, it's more, I feel like I'm giving back to the people. Which people? Or the Scousers that you want to give them the gift of your... Like a reverse Stacey Dooley in it, like the working class whites, you know? So I feel like you need something, like as I see see you like, like even when I come up here. You know what you mean? You, who's you? You people.

Working class whites. Yeah. It's us? Yeah, you lot. You need like, so I feel like it's my duty to come up and, and, and, and give back. Enrich, enrich their lives. Enrich your lives. With colorful femminess.

I don't think London has ever perceived me gigging in London the same way. How lovely he's come all the way from the north. Also when I come up here it's like me giving back but when you come down it's like a sort of make a wish sort of thing. It is yeah. It's the opposite. Yeah I can see it in their fucking faces. I hated gigging in London when I was starting out. I hated it. I felt like such a fucking Northern fuckwit coming down. And my material ripped at the Frog and Bucket on a Saturday night. And you just got this feel at certain London gigs

where like, oh, how uncouth. Right. Yeah. You've ridden your livestock down the motorway. Oh, is he Northern? Oh dear. Patchenizing, innit? They can be quite pressed, can't they, Margaret?

They can. We saw an Irishman, Mike Rice just talking about eating his own jism. They love that. Yeah. Yeah. Do southerners hate northerners? Like, no, no, no. You know what's funny? You say I had a chat with Jamie Hutchison about this. I think we don't bluntly, we don't care about. That's where you think I think you is like, it's like a one way cause I was on Jamie just get, yeah, you're serving us. I'm like, I've never thought about you lot at all. We don't. I think it's our chip. It's the chip on our shoulder. Yeah. Yeah. You got a chip on your shoulder. Cause you got big town. Yeah. Exactly. You know, you got, yeah,

you definitely got a potato chip on your shoulder. A potato chip on my shoulder? Yeah. That's one. That's a very nasty little racial dig. But yeah, now it's your turn. Yeah. Yeah. Go on. Yeah. Well you've something about chicken, but listen, um, I mean, I think we all just didn't eat chicken together. Everybody loves chicken. There's not, we were going to Nando's anyway. Yeah. You didn't turn up and then we were. Freddy said the same thing to me last, but I disagree. I don't know. I've had a chat with you, I have a guest and I think you take them other places. That's just my opinion. I think it's not other place. They like going to Nando's, but it's like when you're here,

it's like, okay, we're definitely going. Oh, you mean like there's no choice. Okay. Right. you're here, it's like, okay, we're definitely going. There's no choice. Okay. Right. We have that with, we've got with Londoners, Irish people in terms of like, cause you're growing up, growing up in Ireland, we're so just like, and it's so dominant in our head. And then we come over and most people are like, wait, who are you? Not literally. I genuinely think I only heard about the troubles because of you and well, mainly because Victoria doesn't stop banging on about it.

He's been whinging about it. Yeah. He's been whinging about it. So that's even I'm like, lad, it's all right. Yeah. Yeah. Relax. You know what I mean?

That's right. You're from South London? No. Where are you from? No. Well, I've lived in a lot of places. So quick summary. born in London. I was, I grew up in Newham, but in between that when I was a kid, I went to Leicester a bit and I was fostered like

temporarily I was brought up by this white lady in Leicester. Yeah. It's a, it's actually a mad story to be fair. Oh, you don't know this, do you? No, you never told me this, brother. Yeah, really? Oh shit. Okay. Basically, when there's this thing, when my dad, my dad's parents came over from Nigeria to this country in like the 50s, 60s, they didn't have money to like look after my dad. So they put an ad in the newspaper asking someone to look after my dad. So this woman responded to an advert in a newspaper and said, yeah, I love him. So they take my dad over there.

You know, she seems normal, fine. A few weeks later, they go back to see my dad. Turns out there were like loads of other kids in the house. She had like loads of her own kids. So when she applied for my dad- Oh, your dad was a kid, my dad was a kid. Yeah. He was like a baby. When you say your dad in my head, it was your dad. I mean, he's just a good old man. Who was this big black man? Yeah.

And then a white woman was like, yeah, I love him. So she had just, she was just starting her own child army. No, well, basically my grandparents didn't want anyone to look after my dad that had their own kids because they thought she wouldn't have time for him. So she lied. Apparently the stories she was, she kept trying to get involved in this thing because it was a big thing back then, by the way, there's movies about it. It's called, I'm like, you know, there's loads of like Dan and what's his name? Damson. He just from, um, snowfall. Yeah.

Yeah. Really? No, you know what that is? No more black actors people. I'm anyway, um, but no, he knows Bridget Jones. I'll give him that. We're going to have a Google. You know, you know, Damson is, she was in, um, black mirror. He was an episode of black mirror as well. That's why I know him from. Yeah. He's a black mirror. The one with, I do know his face. He was in Black Mirror. He was in episode of Black Mirror as well. Yeah, that's what I know him from. Yeah, he's a Black Mirror. The one we've, I think Andrew Scott was in his one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he, so it's not Idris Elba as what you're telling me right now. You're telling me right now. It is not. I promise you. Right. It's not. He's like a young Idris Elba, but it's not Idris Elba. Right. So they, she, so then my grandparents found out

she had her own kids. So they went to take my dad away to put him somewhere else. But in that few weeks, in that period, my dad had really like acclimatized to the environment. He was already sucking on her. Yeah, he liked it. He liked it. So they were thinking, what a weird woman, you've lied.

But she's clearly looking after him and then they lose her. He loves this white woman. So they got paranoid that well, if we take him away now and then what give him to some other random white family is going to like fuck up this little kid. So then I feel like they spoke with her. She was like, I'm really sorry. I just really wanted to get involved and help. And she's not a bad woman. A good woman. So then my dad went back there and then she like, my dad grew up with like all her kids basically. Right. So fast forward, my dad, my mom have me, they are kind of struggling a bit financially.

Same woman in Leicester goes, I love him. So then I was a kid and I went to Leicester as well as a kid. And then I grew up with the kids of the kids that my dad grew up with, if that makes sense. That's really weird. Wow. So what are we looking at here? What's the... What do you call her? I call her my nan. Really enough. Like she was to me, she was more my nan than my actual grandparents, which obviously doesn't make sense on, but no, mate, I've got loads of fake aunties. You're getting a picture and

a famous right now. I'll get a picture of her. I'll get a picture of her. Fake uncle. I can't get any network, but no, I've go a picture. I'll show you when I get some network. So, so, but Bemy, so tell me this much lad, cause your dad I know is, is Muslim, right? Yes. Yeah. So he's a religious guy, but who's also not a religious guy. But he's like a boozy Susie also. Yeah. My dad is a, he's like, he's like a Muslim version of you kind of same as me. I've got the exact he's like, he's like a Muslim version of you kind of same as me. I've got the exact same Muslim dad, but doesn't follow the rules. Yeah. My dad is Muslim dad likes to buy bad Muslim. Oh yeah. I would say, but like, you know, but

that I've seen my dad do, like I don't drink yet. Cause I like, I don't know why I don't drink, but I was a kid. I, everyone said I've got like severe ADHD. Right. And like they took me to the doctors and they were like, don't give him coke. So I think I just got paranoid about having anything that could like change my mood. But the one time I almost drank was literally because like I was at home, my dad gave me a can of coke. I wanted to drink it and I just had a little sniff. I was like, hey.

And he just went, ah, you caught it. I was like, what are you doing? He put Hennessy in my can. He tried to spike me. That's fond are you doing? He put Hennessy in my car. He tried to spike me. That's fun dad though. Yeah. With Hennessy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad cannot stand the fact that I don't drink because he loves it. He's like, you can't be my son. So he's, he's constantly just trying to like, just spike my drink. You know Rooney wants his kids to play football, you know. Literally asking for Angela with my own father. It's like disturbing. It's so disturbing. How old were you, Bemy at this point? Young. I don't even remember just young. I was just like, that don't smell like coke. And he's like, ah, I'll get you

next time. If it weren't for the meddling kids, they'd say, I'm your kid. You're weirdo. But yeah. Rice Krispies in the morning have got a little bit of a kick. Yeah, yeah. Christmas, every Christmas he will, he will be like, ah, it's Christmas. I'll have a pig in a blanket. It's Christmas. It's Christmas. You can't say no to a pig in a blanket. It's fucked.

At Christmas. I'm like, but, and he's like, ah, you know, I'll join in. Don't want to waste it. So your dad, same thing? Exactly the same. He loved, he loved the pig in a blanket. He loved the bacon sandwich. Oh, I love that. And would it, would there have been a, you know, a, a straying eye for a, a, a box and woman, a box and woman, a woman, a woman of shape. Yes. I guess my mom's kind of right. Your mother is a shapely woman. We ain't doing this conversation.

It's good to get that out of the way. What's that going to do with Islam? Mike, no one else was thinking it. We were all thinking it and we needed just getting out of our system. Big, big, big. Anyway, uh, your dad sounds like a good night out. No, he is like my dad is, is, is, is good. He's good. But so at what time do your, do your mom and dad be like, all right, enough you and Nana get you back here. Reading, read the Quran and get you right.

No, well, yeah, I was, I was a bit, how old was I when I came back? I was still young, maybe like four or five years old. But then every, every like holiday, I would always go back to Leicester. Do you remember? And go camping. Yeah, I remember loads. I remember camping a lot, literally being in the woods, fishing, doing all that shit.

I remember that a lot. And actually, do you know what's weird? I went back to, so she's passed away, unfortunately, but her husband is still alive. And I went to the house last year. Going to the house was mental. Same house? Yeah, same house.

Going to the house. It's like a museum of me. Like there's just pictures of me and my family. They have kids, but there's more pictures of us. Well, not more, but like loads. Like just pictures of me as a kid all around. You're charismatic. Like, and I'm just looking around and like my mom and my dad is young people and everything, just pictures of us.

And my dad's a painter as well. He could paint so that there's like pictures that my dad painted in the house, just all of that. So it's like a little time capsule. Going back is bizarre. It's very interesting. That's cause you're so like, cause I do comedy with Bemy a lot. He's very talented and it's very hard. Nobody wants to follow him cause he's going around

and being Bemi and he's very funny. But do you think that your nan was like, this is the best kid, the most talented kid. Let's make this a shrine to him. Cause the other ones are probably doing nothing, right? They're not. I can tell. I love them, I love them. They're still about Perry Anthony. Love you all. Are they cousins? Yeah, I call them my cousins. I literally call them my cousins, but obviously they're not. I see going back to the house that you grew up in, totally alien to me because we moved

three or four times as we were growing up. And then obviously there was a fucking landmine went off in our family and all those houses are so long ago. But you is your, where your mom lives is where, yeah. Formative years is in teenage years, but we moved when I was like eight. So we have me youth like me. I'd been a baby there, but formative years was in me mom's house now. Yeah. And the back home, that's the farm that you were or that's the, we've been there for generations. I think, uh, since the turn of the 20th century, yeah. The rice is our rice is, but I think I told you the story before, but there was, uh, there was a kind of a murder involved in how we got to farm my, uh, my great, great grandmother Kate rice married a guy, Heffron. And after six

months he died after he got sick and she fed him chicken soup. And, uh, and next thing she called her brother, Patrick Rice at the time in and the rice is took green rich and we've had it ever since. Yeah. So it's real fucking, you know, conniving little finger game of Thrones type. How did you even know that from 120 years ago? Because you think my... Sit down everyone, it's Sunday night. We're going to tell the story about the murderous rights.

Well, Kate Rice. My father tells the story because Kate Rice was, she was around at the time, but Heffernan was supposed to marry Anne Meany who lives up the road. Heffernan? Heffernan, yeah. Spell Heffernan? H-E-F-F-E-R-N-A-N. A plaguing cow? who lives up the road. Heffernan. Yeah. It's very like, so a female, young female cow will be called a heffer, which would be like a really young, hot, fuck my cow. And a murderous

is a boneless cow. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And only found a how, uh, but so then she, he was supposed to marry on me and he up the road and then had got the wedding dress, everything. And then Kate rice, who I don't want to say this is my flesh and blood bit of a kind of a murder, murderous whore, uh, came into Jacqueline's eating house when he was there and kind of like him over and sat in his lap and was like, Oh, you don't need to marry Anne Meany. I'll bloody, I'll give you the business you cunt. And then he was like, sweet mother of God. But sure he was dancing with the devil then he was, he was taking the bite of the evil apple and next thing, six months he's getting put down in the ground and the rice is have our farm. We have it to this

day. Yeah. Wow. Well that's right. But no one ever proved murder. But my father is very much like a cold case. It's not like you've just, yeah. And it's also 1908. That's right. But my father views her as a hero that like, like much like Columbus, she like came and took this land for the rice name. Cause we were from a really shit little farm on shit land in a place called Karen in Ireland. And we were just, we were little people who were, we were nothing people. You know what I mean? Only half men. And then Greenridge put us on the map and that's where we are to this day. Pretty sick. In your head, are you going back to Ireland? Are you going back to Ireland? Is the dream

to like come over here, smash up the scene and then go, I mean, is the farm... Return of the King. Yeah. I think I could, I would have to kill Nimnug. Right. Take Greenridge. But that could be a very fun last from 50 years on in my life. It's gonna be a film. Yeah. But that would be a fun quest. If I'm 50, I've done comedy for a while, made a bit of money. And then it's like, now it's time to plot the murder of Nimnog. Cause Nimnog runs the farm. Nimnog has all the land. So Nimnog is the heir at the minute. If this is your first episode of Have A Word, you probably want a bit of backstory. Nimnog is Mike's brother. Yeah. That's right. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So it would be fun. And Nimnog, cause Nimno would fight to the death as well. So it could be like, you know, it's raining around the top of a hill. Yeah. He's like Ramsey Bolton. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. He is a bloodlust. There's a cruelty to him. Um, but, uh, well it's funny about Bemy and the, uh, his, um, cause his, cause you got grown up in Leicester, cause a few things are very unorthodox. I got up by the way. I finally got her up if you wanna see. See your granny.

Yeah, yeah. That one? Yeah, yeah. There you go. That's me as a baby. Looks like Paul, isn't it? And look. Yeah.

Let's have a look. Yeah. That's us. Oh, bro. And the heroine was... Fuck! Oh, no. Yeah.

But Bemy told me something recently that I couldn't... I've never heard this. You tell me if you've heard it. Bemy was the maid of honor. I'm not joking. He was the maid of honor for a wedding. What? Yeah? It's 2020, but you can be a maid of honor. I'm not joking. He was the maid of honor for a wedding. Well, yeah, it's 2020, but you can be a maid of honor. Yeah, exactly.

I had a female best lady. Did you? How was that? She told me that she was going to be my best lady and then she's always been a mate and I just couldn't be asked to argue with that. In my head, I was like, she wants to be a best woman. And I love her to bits and she's one of my mates. Did she do, so did she plan the stack? No, no, I think she just wanted to say she'd been one. And then I just did a, what is it,

utilitarianism where you're like, she really wanted it. And I didn't care. You didn't care enough. So there was more, there was more positive than there is me. Here you go, how I live my life. Yeah. As long as there's more joy in the world. Like here's my example of it. Two no's are not the same no.

Someone could hate something and you're just not bothered. That makes sense. Imagine you had a bike in your house and you didn't really care about it. It was like, oh, whatever. And someone stole that bike and they're like, shit, I want a new bike. More joy in the world.

More joy for them than loss for you. Yeah. Right. That makes sense. Net Yeah. That makes sense. Net joy. That makes sense. So, okay cool. So like if I came to your house

and I saw something that I really, really wanted. But you know, I really, I might just take the risk because of what you just said. I'm just saying never invite me to your house. I might risk it. I might make the decision. I might look at it and be like, well, he don't. He's talked that, but like he likes it so.

Yeah. Yeah. Usually the quandary is it's usually in a decision, isn't it? The two people disagree or you have different opinions. And just because you disagree doesn't make those, it doesn't make it an equal thing. Alfie's analogy is I want to get a bath with you. And you say, well, is, I want to get a bath with you. And you say, well, I don't want to get a bath with you. Like yours is the dominant preference. Okay. You say no, they don't go, well, it's not equal. Oh, that makes sense. So how did you end up being a maid of honor? I just, this, yeah, my friend, my best friend, Courtney, just called me. It's

bizarrely. I just never, she called me. She was like, yeah. So yeah. Um, yeah, I'm getting married. I said, oh my God, great. She's like, yeah. So you're going to be my maid of honor. I was like opposite. I was like, yo, yo, yo, yo, I can't be your maid of honor. She's like, why? And I was like, well, you know, I don't know. I'm a phobia, right? You have me like it's in there, you know, I'm not going to lie, but now she was like, yeah, like you should. And I was like, okay, what do I have to do? But I'm like, I, I did it. I planned. Oh, you really were. Yeah, I worked. I like just, let me just set the scene. Like Courtney is the opposite of me in every way humanly possible. Full hairline. I will kill you. hairline. I will kill you. I will murder you. All right. That's it. She's a black man with a full hairline. She's a white blonde Taylor Swift addicted woman with a hairline. Shape.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wonderful. Beautiful. Yeah. Um, so yeah. And just grew, she grew up in Norfolk, you know, just that sort of, just no similarities at all. Unlike not only is she not black at points, like I'm like, she don't know nothing about how did you become friends with her? I met her at uni and I used to bully her. Uh, yeah, legit. I used to bully her. Just, I, legit. I used to bully her. Just, I don't know, the son about is just very bullyable. Um, so, so legit, I would like, I mean, my mate, we used to just do like horrible things. Like we want, would like lock her in a closet and like there was like a little hole in the closet and we'll get like water and like sprayer in the closet. Yeah. Legit. I'm like hide her food. I don't know. And

just to just do really, really mean things like that. And then one day her and I think in my mind, I was being friendly. I don't think she knew she was like, is this nice or not? So I won't. And I think she kind of mentioned it at home. So I didn't know this. One time I was out in class and someone called me. and was like, do not come back to the, to the hostel, to the room. I was like, Oh why? So Courtney's dad is here and he's looking for you. He's trying to beat you up because he thinks you're bullying her. And I was like, Oh shit. Okay. So yeah, that's, that's how that started. And you thought you were doing banter. Yeah. But it wasn't banner. It was, it was mean.

And then after that I was like, I promise I'm not a bully. And she's like, we've had to be friends with her all this time just to... I'll be honest, I don't like it. This is just me proving that. You have made of honor. Yeah. So it's gone too far now. I was made of honor.

Yeah. So yeah. When in a hen do with... All girls? I was made of honor. Yeah. That's so yeah. When, when in a Hindu with all girls, all girls, all white woman, all of them and me. Where did you, where was, where did you organize the Hindu for? So we went to a place called, um, is a, uh, tonight at Josephine's or goodnight Josephine's. Basically they do like, like parties. Basically it's like, there's like a little drag show there.

So I went in there, once again, went in there, all women and a few gays. Yeah. And me, but it was cool. It was fun. Like, you know, it's like, yeah, you know, everyone's having a good time. Like, oh my God. So that was cool. That was cool.

We went karaoke. I got a blonde wig, put a blonde wig on, you know, for the room to fit in. Because obviously a blonde wig, put a blonde wig on, you know, that's fun to fit in because obviously that's how, like if I invited Mike to like, like a stag and it was all guys, for example, like all my black mates, I would want him to black up. You understand? So I think that would be, it's just respectful. Exactly. I just feel respectful to where to put a blonde wig on, you know, just to fit in in it. I did that.

Did any of the gay guys on the hen do, you know, there was gay guys on the other hen do's were they like, could you tell they were like, hi, guess we know what there was the guy in the guy in drag, like going around singing, like, I don't know. I think he had me a bit, but he looked, I don't know if it like it could, I didn't like being in the confused me like dance. How you felt in your pants. So that, that was the shortest bit. Cause I just wanted to get out. Um, right. I'm sorry. Yeah. Have you ever felt, has there ever been a man that you felt like it might be nice to the Angela, the singer music artists that you'd be like, it might be nice to kiss him on the lips. Yeah. The Angela, what does he look like? The most beautiful man ever to exist on earth. Let me say. Yeah.

Right, there's a song he's got called How Does It Feel, untitled. It literally, so fascinating story of this guy. He's released three albums ever in his whole life. His first album came out in 1994. It's called Brown Sugar. Second album Voodoo 2000. And then one more album Black Messiah 2014. He's ever released three albums.

After release Voodoo, there's a song, the music video they may or may not be watching called How Does It Feel. He's basically naked in the video. It's just this video where the camera's panning around his body. And he's just so beautiful. He in his mind- Cockshot, cockshot. Well, there's a bit in the video where-

Right. We see the gutters going towards the car. Yeah, the line. Yeah, yeah. You got the line there. Yeah, yeah. And it's like going down and the camera goes out and it just stops there. Oh!

But you see the lines? So people call that line the DiAngelo dip, basically. Has everyone got that line, but it's just hidden under the top? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's... He's got a strong line there. He got a strong line. Behind the gun. Yeah. The Mons Pubis covers it if it's a bit chubby. Exactly. I have got a chubby Mons Pubis.

His lines, beautiful. So when that video came out, he would then go on tour and you know, he's like some neo-soul artist, like very like he's all about the art. But then because of that video, at his um, it would just be full of women basically chucking the knickers at him. And he felt so sexually assaulted because he was so desired that it put him into a deep state of depression. And he never released an album for another 14 years because he just, he became so stressed by the fact that women found him too sexy. You know, you know, you know those problems.

You know, you know, you know, you know, you know. I don't suffer them very much. I think that about Matt Rife. I see how the response to his clips and how many tickets he sells. And are they there because they love his stand up? Or are they there because they think he's beautiful? Because it looks like there's a... I think there is, I think that is a, that is a problem I would like to have.

They're not comedy fans though are they? Tickets, tickets. They'll become comedy fans, you know. Oh my God. I need to hear one or two. Yeah. Yeah, man. They're right fans.

That was gay. That was was gay. That was so good. That was horrible. We both went real gay. We should cut that out. But I have a feeling you won't. It'll be in the trailer baby. Yeah. Fair. But the Angelo, so he caused, he kind of caused little stir in your lines where you were like, you were like, whoa, yeah. I would like to be him. I feel like I like to be him. He just, he just, I would like to look and sound like that. So you're comedy. I love comedy, but if I could swap talents, I wouldn't want to, I wouldn't, I wouldn't want to be him, just him, no one else.

Who would you want to be Mike, if you could be somebody else? Oh, maybe it would have been very fun to be Margaret Thatcher, I think. What's the first thing you would do if you were Margaret Thatcher for the day? First off, don't let Bobby Sands die on hunger strike. That'd be number one. You know, maybe St. Victoria goes on. No, I don't know. I just think that to be Thatcher would be like, you're the first woman and there's all these old posh lads and you're the boss. And you're like, pick that up Henry, you pig. That's fun. I mean, where's, where's my coffee

Graham? You know what I mean? That's how where's my coffee Graham? You know what I mean? I'm not so fond that would have been to be Thatcher and then just be like the Irish. Ew disgusting. I don't trust them. She said she didn't trust the Irish as a nation. She said we were. Did she say that? She did. She said that we were tricksters. Oh, the original Nigerians. Welcome. You're just doing what Margaret Thatcher would. I'd be putting myself silly. I just be like attack Argentina now. The hell with the Falklands. You'd have to have a Thatcher wank. You'd have to have a goal in you to see what. But doing things that Thatcher would do anyway, wouldn't it be better to just get the cabinet together

and I have a game of five aside? Just be like, the prime minister wants us to have a kick about. Yeah. But also imagine if you were Thatcher and then you were her, but then you were just like abusing your power like a man in that time period would imagine just you're at the desk and you go, listen, Brian. If you want your policies to go through, you're having lunch down here. Okay. Oh God. You don't think that'd be fun? Yeah. That's just snatcher. Okay. Yes, brother. I just think that would be fun. Who would you have it right? Where are we going? Did you get a range over? Don't you? Everyone loves Harry Redknapp. Just play inventive attacking football and really know the transfer market. Right. No, he said the same thing, didn't he? He was

talking about David James and he was like, I dunno, but it must be fun to live in that body for a day. He has to apologize for it. Because was he like being, what's the problem? He did have to apologize. But why did he apologize? I think he just, I don't know, but he has to apologize. Why? Why? To be David James. Did they think it was like an extreme version of blackface? Like just the whole body is like, I mean, can't be a black man. But essentially it's just a massive compliment to the absolute hands. Imagine having hands like that. I got a little girl hands. I didn't make him apologize. You don't care. Well, yeah, you brought it up. So it's upsetting. This is what I want. I want to be Harry Redknapp for the day. But then into David James. Oh,

I see. Do you want to be Harry Redknapp inside David James. You want to see Harry Redknapp shagging David James. Mate, it's a West Ham 2008 inception that I'm trying for. Oh, I don't know where James was. 2004, I'd say. Right. Finn, anyone. You could be anyone. You can't be a musician. If you say what I think you're going to say, I'm going to be really annoyed. He's obsessed with Oasis.

He's Liam Gallagher. Ulrika Johnson. Ulrika Johnson. Ulrika Johnson. Oh. I'm so annoyed. I's why I don't know who that is. She used to host shooting stars. She was Stan Collymore's partner. Unfortunately. Okay. That's a level of fame where you can walk about and go about your day. But occasionally someone says, is she the one that's going to mean the surprise? Surprise me. Why am

I making it up? No, I'm a man. I don't. Yeah. I'm embarrassing myself. Yeah. I'd be Hanson. My old school Hans Zimmer. Hans Zimmer. Yeah. That's nice. I just have no one know who you are. You're top. He's top of the game. But then you can walk down the street. Nobody knows what he looks like. What's the point of being Hans Zimmer for the day? Cause imagine the interstellar, just an old person for the day. Hey, lads, who's the key to me? He's not as old as you think. I think he's only in like his fifties. Yeah. Bullshit. Bring up Zimmer. He's, he's, I'm 62. Yeah. I know he's 67. 67. There you go. What I'm saying is imagine, and I think what Carl might be saying, imagine you're going round in your little head and it's just constructing the theme tune to Interstellar.

Like the theme tune. Yeah, theme tune. Write the theme tune, sing the theme tune. What's that mean? We're going through space and time. Yeah. The fucking Inceptions, you know, time, the Inception soundtrack. That's just going on.

Cause I feel like every trailer does that now. And that was him in it. They all copied inception. That was Zimmer. That was Zimmer. Andre Ryu. They're doing the music of Hans Zimmer at Chester Cathedral. They are. I really fancied it. Andre Ryu top of the violin games. I thought you said Andre Oh, J. I was like, what the hell? He's rich. Yeah. Someone who's like the top of their game, but like if you didn't test, go, you wouldn't go. Why there's Hans Zimmer. So what would be the benefit of being them for the day? Cause you'd be like, you to feel the ghost. So you don't even, you want to spend the day you secretly walking around. You don't even know it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just being like,

no one knows. Yeah. Oh, do you like this? Yeah. I made that. I made that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, do you like this? No. Yeah. I made that. I made that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Joseph Corny. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. That's not what they were saying. That's not what they were saying. Was that not like corny 2012?

I mean. No, it was making famous to stop him. Oh, he was a bad guy. Yeah. But was it kind of like he's a bad man? No, no, it wasn't like bad man. It wasn't like this. No, it wasn't like that.

It wasn't like this. Oh, okay. Yeah, no. Corny 2012. Stop dabbing. I think you should stop doing that. Sorry, it wasn't like that. It wasn't like this. Ah, okay. Yeah, right. Yeah, no. Corny, 20, stop. Stop dabbing. I think you should stop doing that. Sorry, I won't do it again.

I won't do it again, brother. There was a guy who made, he was also a weirdo, wasn't he? Yeah. He made a thing, he was like, this guy's bad, but you don't know who he is. Let's make him famous so we can stop him. Right.

The LRA. And did he cut it out? Did he stop acting the maggot then or what? No, because then this guy was found out to be a bad guy as well. Ah, right. But maybe it takes a bad guy to stop a bad guy, no? Brothers? No? Man would have gone, it takes man would have gone to stop a man would have gone Danny. Yeah. Brothers? When I heard Joseph Coney, I was like, I mean, he's a stop.

I think, I think virtual reality is going to get to the point where you can be Joseph Kony. You can be anyone for the day. You could do this. This is why I, I, I probably need to stop watching porn because at what point am I going to stop? Like virtual reality is going to become, I am concerned that I'll still be using porn when the tech technological advances have got so, so progressed that you'll be able to do virtual reality porn. There is VR porn. No, I'm talking about you can literally just before you put on the headset and the body suit and you're totally immersed in it, you can be like, I'm going to have a threesome

with Dua Lipa and Anne of Cleves. And an AI will just be like, Anne of Cleves. Tell me you wouldn't want to. Henry didn't like it, but maybe I do. And then do is there. She was a shapely lady and of cleaves. That's why Henry kicked her off. I'm Belenum Fiona Bruce. Oh, oh dear me from Coronation Street. You've got to do one of Henry the eighth's wives by the way. AI's got really stuck on Tudor England. Do you know what? Jane Seymour and Naomi Campbell. Yeah. Cool. That's the last one. That's beautiful. Do you remember when Jane Seymour, she had

the, in the wedding crashers, I thought she was so hot. Do you remember when he was like Jane Seymour, Jane Seymour, she was a bond girl. Wasn't when he was like Jane Seymour Jane Seymour she was a Bond girl wasn't she she used to play a doctor and she was one of the Henry the eighth's wives Jane Seymour was not a no there's an actress called Jane Seymour. Thank fuck for that I thought you had a proper melt down there. No no I know one of Henry the eighth's wives but there's an actress I'm pretty sure. What about his face man? Is her name? Yes Jane Seymour. It is Jane Seymour but you know that scene in Wedding Crossover was, Claire's mom made me feel her hooters. Oh, is that it?

That's her. She's got fake tits. She's got big fake tits. She's got the little model boat. Oh, that. She's so hot. I went for Bemy to get back down to London. And everyone's like, how is that a word?

He was like, man, there's a lot of Henry VIII's vibes. Yeah, virtual reality. You know what? I will say, speaking of being a dream or dreamer or trying to have live like care see for so nice. I'm gonna check with Bemy the other day where he's genuinely trying to tell me why he believes all world leaders better serve if they have autism. I know, but it's a fact.

Sure. They all do have some kind of, no, I don't know. No, I don't think that I believe that in order for the world to be a better place, I think Putin needs to be autistic. I think if every politician was autistic, I think the world would be severely like he did severely. Like I think severe. I think that should be a requirement. That should be a requirement to be a politician. No emotion, just pure. Yeah. Yeah. And then also what do people always say? Are they all liars? Well, not this lad.

All right. You imagine that looking at the budget, you know, coming out, look guys, I've looked at the numbers. Obviously they're correct because I'm autistic, right? I've got them, right? Um, I'm, I'm we're fucked, right? That's it. You know, and the only way we can solve it, we've got to sell Liverpool, right? We just got to get rid of it. Just be on it. They'll be honest. Chains would run on time. Right. And they'd love them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they'll love them. They'll get it all right. Yeah. I just feel like autism. I don't know why that's not a requirement because yes, like people like the opposite and I don't understand. You're not, you're not interested in the public speaking side of it. No, because that's why they lie, right?

Cause like Trump or even Obama, they're so charismatic that they can like, they're like snake oil salesman, you know? Yeah. A good politician is to some extent. Yeah, but are they good? They're a good politician, but they might not- They're good at getting elected. They're good at getting elected.

But they might not tell the people the truth. But if you're autistic, you can't lie. You can't lie. Autistic people can lie though, that is true. No, but they might not tell the people the truth. But if you're autistic, you can't lie. You can't lie. Autistic people can lie though. No, but I mean, get real. I'm just checking. Can lie. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. But they're severely, they're severely. Yeah. You know what I mean? Cause there's your mate that's autistic, right? What's his name? He said he's got a bit of autism. Finn? We were just there with Finn. No, not you.

Harry. Yeah, my man over there, he's got a bit of autism. Yeah, definitely. He's not autistic enough, am I right? So he can't, because like he's- He is very honest. No, it's true. I was observing him.

I was observing him when we were eating, and I was thinking, would he qualify? I don't think it's enough. He can have a position. Oh yeah, he can be MP for Wigan. Yeah, that's how it should be, MP for W't think it's enough. He can have a position. Oh yeah. He can be MP for Wigan. Yeah, that's how it should be. MP for Wigan. That's it. I think depending on the level of autism, obviously low autism, local council. There you go, right? Harry is arguing. You're not allowed to defend yourself. But like him, so he can have a role, but he's not autistic enough. But I mean like a proper, you want to say something? I just want to clarify, I'm not autistic, I just said I like flags.

That was so odd. No, he doesn't like flags. He knows every flag. Ever. Ever. If you got a flag up round to me now, he'd tell you in under a second. Which is great. As a politician, great. International relations. International relations. There you go. Autism, right? So yeah, I just think it would be better for the world if they were all autistic. It should be the base requirement. Should be no emotion in politics? No emotion, just pure logistics.

None of this, you know when they do the, like when world leaders meet and they shake hands, they can't even do that, right? They just got to get to it because they don't like, you know, the contact and the communication in the eyes. They're just like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just, you know, and things would get done better. I just think. And we want to do it again. That's how you want their brain to sound. What is that? How's the beeping? Computer. We need to get rid of 30% of China. Yes. China. It'll be great. I don't know. That's my opinion. Right. No, I, I think you're right. You want to, you want to get rid of empathy. Yeah. I just think of like, no, it shouldn't be any emotion in like, well, yeah,

why are we? It's too, there's too like, just tell me the truth. Like, they look at Bill, I never had sex with that woman. If that was, if he was autistic, mate. Right. You know, he was annoying. Never had sex with anyone. I fancied it. This is an, this is essentially,

this is essentially an executive order, isn't it? Yeah. That's what I would. Ooh. I like it, it's smooth. Let's have a break and go into it. Yeah, all right, okay. We'll come back after the break

with some executive orders. What's have a break and go into it. Yeah, all right, okay. We'll come back after the break with some executive orders. What's happening lids? Time to tell you yet again about our OG day one sponsor, Manscaped.com, promo code word20 for 20% off everything and free worldwide shipping. What are we focusing on this week? It's the Chairman Pro. And right now the Chairman Pro package is available

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but we'll do it now. Where can we find you online? What are your at and infos? My Instagram, my first name, Bemi, G-B-E-M-I, silent G in Nigerian, I apologize. G-B-E-M-I comedy. Surely silent G sounds cool though, like you can be a silent G.

Yeah, I'm a silent G. Do you know what, it's not, it's kind of not silent. How would you say it properly? It's like, Bemi. Yeah, so it's got like a bit of a thing. Yeah, it's like, Bemi. Bemi. It's like, Bemi. Like It's like a different... So it's got like a bit of a thing. Yeah, it's like, Bimmy. It's like, Bimmy.

Like, Narb... Is it like Narby who plays for... It's Gnabry, isn't it? Is it? Oh yeah. Oh, I thought that was a sign of G. You're thinking of Gnarls Barkley? Yeah, Gnarly.

Gnarls Barkley. Gnarls Barkley. Gnarls Barkley. Gnarls Barkley. Crazy! Pfft! So you'd say like... Bimmy. Do a Bimmy. Go on, go on, do it, do it, do it.

One, do a carol. You do it. It's the full name. My surname. No, say your first name like Bemy. The way you'd say Bemy, Bemy, Bemy, Bemy, Bemy. That is a silent J. And I might go and mention it.

The reason I say it's not silent. Well, it can't in like Yoruba, my Nigerian language, there's a letter B, there's a letter G, and there's actually the letter G B, it's like one letter. So technically BMI is a four letter name. What's the language? Yoruba, Nigerian, Yoruba, Yoruba. I'm trying to think of another famous Yoruba person. Is that a really small dialect?

Oh no. Can't even. Yoruba's like the biggest, there's three big ones. Yoruba, Igbo, Alsa. So those are the three big ones. In Wakukano, was he? Wakukano would be Igbo. He was Nigerian, yeah. I can fennwa.

But Mike, stop guessing though, yeah? Go on, keep going, keep going. Just about got away with JJ Okotcha was Nigerian. JJ Okotcha, yep, yep. Should we stop doing Nigerians? No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no.

No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, Just about got away with JJ Acotcha. Was Nigerian. JJ Acotcha, yep, yep. Should we stop doing Nigerians? No, let's just keep doing them. Come on.

That's more racist than anything else. Enough about Nigeria. Alex Awobi, yep, yep. My mum's first boyfriend. Bukai Osaka. Is he from Nigerian heritage? Yeah, yeah. Nigerian, yeah. Yoruba as well.

Victor Moses. Yep. Same. Oh, so it's a very well spoken language. I've never heard of that language. You've never heard of Yoruba? Genuinely. That's the most popular Nigerian language.

So spoken by millions and millions of people. Literally millions of people. You have to understand me. Not many people in heightened. Yeah. You don't know anything about the North. 47. I know. You can't expect counting about Nigeria. 47 million speak. I am ashamed. Cause I studied language and I've never heard that. You studied like never

heard of Yoruba. It's really popular legit. Yeah. Yoruba. We stumbled across your executive order basically with Autism for World Peace. We've got some that people have, we are basically, we're recording this the first time executive orders went out on the Patreon exclusive and it's been very popular. So just, we'll decide if this goes into the executive orders if we just denying it We're not into it or if we're gonna accept it Nick Darnley says executive order Christmas has to fall on the weekend Yeah No, but then you get more time you get more you get less time. Yeah, I reject that one fully

Yeah, because I have the weekend already. So I want it to fall on a Tuesday Then you can know who is that person. It does feel wrong. It'd be like a Thursday though, doesn't it? No, but it's about time off. In my head, I'm still the school kid who's like, you get that two weeks. It's, would it not be better if Christmas is right on? No, you want to ruin a week. Should be asking you the end of the week off no matter what. You want Wednesday? Yes. It's like New Year's Day. Cause you want to ruin Wednesday. Then

you get the Thursday. It is Wednesday this year. Isn't it? Yeah. It's been, but it wants to fall on the worst day that you hate normally. Right. Cause then it, you know, it's Christmas brightens it up. Yeah. Yeah. As soon as you get to Christmas and this is going out in the gooch, it's mad, isn't it? How the days of the week just disappear from your sort of psyche. It's unbelievable. All of a sudden, more than any other time of the year, you're like, what day is it? And people go, it's the 27th. How the fuck am I? I do not know what day of the week is. Yeah. I agree. You stay at home, you eat all the rubbish that you've got left over.

You just, it's what I'd want to do every other day. My favorite part of Christmas. I agree. You've got to do a wedding this time in the coach. You'll be there. I'll be there. Thomas greens. Yeah. You're going to be there. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be. You there, Finn? I'm there. Are you there? Why don't you go fuck yourself? I'm going around to Mike's. We'll have our own wedding. Yeah, we'll do our own thing. I think that's a bad executive order that I think that's not passing now. I don't know. I don't like it even a little bit.

I don't think he thought it drew and I don't think he did. He's gonna listen to this back. How does he enact it? What does he do? Change the calendar? You think he's Caesar? No, I know. But Easter, Easter moves around on it.

So he's saying the weekend that's the closest. So that's even worse. So you're telling me Christmas day just moves about now. Sometimes it's the 27th. Who is it? What's the name again? It's Nick Darnley. Hang him. Right. I'll tell you what, Nick.

He doesn't know anything. You've really been rejected. Stephen Elliott says, executive order, all pizza is served with one extra slice of room temperature pizza to get started on so you don't burn your mouth. I don't mind that, you know. Not room temperature, but like a bit,

like a ready to eat one. I don't mind that. Right. Yeah. I'm trying to think of the downsides, go on. Extra, like on the side. Or is it just in the like one of the pieces? No, no, it's on top. On the side, on the side. I think burning your mouth on pizza is just part of the experience. I don't know. I hate that.

You know, when your skin peels off, you know about the Korean bananas, the what Korean bananas, they have seven on a bunch and they're all different in ripeness. So when you eat one, the next one you eat goes right on that day. So they range in ripeness. So like when you get to the seventh, usually it's not ripe anymore, but it'll be the most ripe by the time you get to it. Okay. So they're all, that's clever. So you buy the bunch. It's just like engineered, isn't it? It's not, oh, we're not healthy, but yeah, that's not, that ain't a real. I don't know if I, I watched you eat a peach yesterday and you, you took a, like a pensioner break, which I may be really sensible for your digestive system. I thought you'd given up on the pizza. You got, well, I had, I had, and I was going to take it back. You and Harry got dessert. So I was like,

well, I've got to finish my pizza. I've got a simple pleasure. I know it's in the wrong section when you're eating and you're drinking fizzy drinks and you get full, but then you burp and you're hungry again. And then you're hungry. You reload. It's a reload. Have you ever done the Sprite Challenge? No, what's that? Etta's just got into it. This is from like three years ago.

We did the Sprite Challenge at home. So a 500 milliliter bottle of Sprite. So I got Etta one, Laura got one and we filmed it. I've got it on my phone. She was so excited. She drank a mouthful. She's seven my daughter. She can't drink Sprite. It's too fizzy. Laura gave it a good go. I finished the bottle without burping and you feel so uncomfortable. So instantly blow it. Oh so the challenge is to drink it without burping. The whole thing without burping. The burp, the four burps you do immediately after, it's almost worth the pain for how satisfying the burp is. It's not far off. So close. I love

a good burp. But you have to have a darkness to have the light, you know? You can't have a rainbow without the rain. Thank you for that Father Rice. Father Rice, yes. Listen, do you know what I did? Do you want the hot things? Have any ever been to Mr. Wong's hot pot in Brighton? Yeah, I'm always there.

Is that a gay club? No, but that's Mr. Wong's hot pot. Oh, you're thinking of Mr. Wong's, yeah. I hope everyone caught that. Mr. Wong has opened up a place where he sells his hot pots, which is this, he gives you, you go in. Isn't that actually Mr. Wong? Look, Mr. Wong, he's selling hot pots in Brighton.

So you go in and Mr. Wong has set it all up. So you get a basket of food and you put it all in a, in a pot, right? But you have to pick out the food yourself. It's raw. And I was the only white person in this place. I was getting food before doing the forage. And then I was like, all right, I already felt like a bit of an idiot. So then you give them the food and they take the food. They fuck off. They come back with it in a roast and hot pot, but they leave the pot on a fucking, what do you call those hot yolks? Like a stovey thing, but they put it on your table.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the hot pot never gets any less hot. Oh, because the thing is always, the stove is always heating up. Mr. Wong's eternally boiling hot pot. So I was just sitting eating it, just burning my mouth 150 times in a row. It never gets any cooler. It never gets any cooler. How big is the pot? Is it like a, just burning my mouth 150 times in a row. It never gets any cooler. How big is the pot? Is it like a, it's just like a bowl. It's a big, it's one of Mr. Wong's. Can't you take it off the stove? Huh? You're eating it, the pot stays

in the stove. You're there with your pot, but is the pot movable? Man, you can't touch the pot. It's roasting. Mr. Wong's taught of this. So they have you every way, but all the other Asian people are in it. They're like, I don't, they have some way they're doing it that they're not. I think they saw you coming and they made that specifically for you to fuck with. You think Mr. Wong, I think Mr. Wong was like, ah, you want some fire wass, Mr. Wass, right? And then he did that. I think that's what happened. Right. All I'm saying is anyone you go to Brighton, you will look, it says 4.9. What is it about this? That couch makes people evil. What was evil about that? People coming in and change on that couch. How'd

you know that's just not who I am? Sean Williams says, executive order. If you don't pick up your dog's shit, it should all be collected for one year and then dumped all throughout the interior of your home. Yeah. Especially got a big dog. I watch people's dog. Not intentionally. I've seen people have big dogs, their poo in town, leave it.

And I'm like, what are you fucking doing? It's the school. Yeah. I mean, like Wally's doing normal small. Poo bags should always be, if you've got a dog owner, every pocket you have should have poo bags in because it's fucking vile. It's nasty shit. I agree. Pes is doing some big old fucking. Yeah, pick your dog's poo up.

So one of the reasons I can't be picking up poo, I just can't have a dog for that reason. No, don't get a dog poo. Right. But if you do have a dog, pick it up reason. If I do, I've got, yeah, I couldn't do it. No, I couldn't do it. There's certain things. You're not touching it. Yeah. I'm just a really squeamish guy. Like, I don't know, just little like bodily fluids. In fact, you know what? Like there's a, there's a thing in like a lot of Nigerians do this like with their babies and they're like, they got blocked noses. It's just suck the bugger

out. Like, like honestly I've seen my aunties do that. So can I, they got a blocked nose. It's just suck the booger out. Like, honestly, I've seen my aunties do that. So it's over the baby's nose. Yeah. Literally the baby's got a blocked nose and they just put the lips around the nose like that and they just like suck up the booger out of the baby. And then the baby can't blow the nose. Oh, do they swallow the snout? No, they don't swallow it. They spit it out. I'm into it. Yeah. They're spitters. They spit it out. They just, they just, you know, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a like, mm. Right. But did you have aunties like sucking the snot out of your nose? Cause I can imagine that must feel pretty sick if you were blocked. I mean, I don't remember. No, he's in Leicester with

a white woman. Hold on for me. So she refused to suck the snot out of your nose. I believe so. I don't think that was her thing. Right. The cousins were doing it. Well, no, I'm joking, but no, I just think it was, yeah, I've seen it. I've just seen it happen loads when I'm in Nigeria. And I'm just like, would they suck the wax out your ear and shit or? No, just the nose. Well, don't look at me like I'm the crazy one. You are the crazy one. But you're saying they're sucking snot out of noses. It's an easy leap to say they'll be sucking. Kids haven't got many blocked ears though. They wouldn't know. Yeah. What do you mean? Like what do you think?

Sometimes I get wax in my ears. Why is the baby not responding to me? Oh, it's gonna be too much wax. Oh, it's a baby. Why is he not talking back? Yeah. Why is he not talking back? Oh, let's clear his ear out. Sometimes children have waxy fucking ears. Yeah. And that's why they're mute. It's an Irish way. What?

Give his ears a good sucking. That's right. Luke says plug sockets in hotel rooms should be mandatory to be within reach of the bed. Nothing worse than getting out of bed to put the phone on charge should bring the price down or say in the description. Should be both sides of the bed. Both sides. There's no reason for it. I can't understand why not. Yeah. That one's easy. Absolutely. I do take extension cables now just to combat that in case. Interesting. They don't do it.

Combat. A lovely long extension cable is such a joy. I take it most places. Take one travel plug and an extension cable. You've got five or six. So many. Yeah. Travel hack. Yeah. Makes sense. I dig it. It's been done before. You're right. I dig it.

Last one. Hayley says, Travel hack. Travel hack? Yeah. Makes sense. It's been done before, you're right. I dig it. Last one, Hayley says, no more daft names for cross breeds of dogs. From now on, instead of Labradoodle or Pug-Iranian, you have to pick a side, otherwise it's like supporting two football teams. No, I'm not in the dog game. Me neither. Google some funny ones. I'm not allowed to be, Bemy.

I'm not allowed to be. My wife's told me we're not getting a dog ever. Why? Why not? You know my thing was like I'm going to retire and then get a dog. My neighbour Bill retired a few months ago and got himself, he's got a puppy. And he, like we've lived there five years. I've never seen him look particularly happy. He's been beaming around the village for the last two months. He's been off his job. He's got a little around the village for the last two months. He's been off his job. He's got a little puppy border collie. Oh, it looks so, it looks like the future. When the kids move out, what's the,

And also for the dog, it's the soundest thing in it. Cause he's coming into a world and he's not being left at home where everyone's fucking off and working. It's just hopefully he likes Bill. Him and Bill are just hanging out all the time. Me and Cedric have a dink, show dinkinks are. Double income, no kids. So being the dog of a dink means you get, you know. What's double income, two kids? I get four years. I don't know what that is. A donk? Yeah, double income, no kids is like for the pair of donks.

You get everything, all the love. But Laura said that even when I retired, there's no dog. It's a, are you trying to talk to Laura about the kids? I genuinely think Dan, you're allowed to have what you want to. Like, this isn't, does she not like dogs? She's not disliked her. She just doesn't like the mess and the smell. She'll love it. She's had two kids. And you think it's cause you're a smelly messy person and she's like, I've had enough of that thing. I'm clean in the body, but dirty in the mind. Get yourself a dog.

Just do it. When the kids move out, go off on a dog, Laura. Fuck off. Do you know what? Yeah. You're fucking right. Yeah, do it. You want to hear a dog?

And she can cuddle it. Yeah. Like, train the dog to be aggressive. Like, the dog hates Laura. This is giving you, it feels like it might be triggering for Finn who's been through this. Like it's dangerous for Laura to live in the house now. Oh, a Rhodesian Ridgeback.

Just a fucking crazy, who would die for you, but wouldn't lift a finger for her. Do you know what I mean? Isn't that what all men really want? A, a loyal, like, this is my best friend. I've got your dad. That's right. Yeah. This is your boy. She goes to rob him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you, I'll say this. As soon as I announced I've got a dog, you know, things in my marriage are not going well. Well, Finn's going to give you some examples because you're trying to move dogs. Yeah. There's a blab, which is a beagle Labrador blab. Pika poo. It's a Pokemon. Pika poo. Pika poo. Peck a knees and a poodle. Yeah. No, I'm never going, Oh,

have a look at my Pika poo. Yeah. I feel like you would accept that because you would giggle first. Doesn't a Pika poo seem like something you would giggle first. Doesn't a peekaboo seem like something you would like just surprisingly shit in someone's house and then like when they find it's go peekaboo peekaboo peekaboo. And then that's one jiggy. Jack Russell terrier, Italian greyhound. Getting jiggy with it. That's a sick name. No, no, no, no, no, no. Look at me. Jiggy. I'm just going to fucking Jack Russell. You're still singing. We're going to do some have a words and get the fuck out of here. Cause these boys need to get a trained out took big town. Yeah.

Man need to go. What was that then? What was that? What did he just do? What was? Listen, Burmy. Oh, I see. I get it. Flavor.

John Morgan. Is it? John Morgan says, all right, lids came downstairs to find my missus watching TV with the big light on. Have a word, John. I'll say this. John Morgan might be one of the more concise. Have a words we've ever had. You've conveyed your point brilliantly.

Yeah. And I absolutely agree. Big light doesn't bother me. Like yesterday, Sarah got in the bath and I put Elf on because it's for film club and we had the big lights on in the bedroom and just watched Elf and she came and she's like, why is the big lights on? And I said that I'd never noticed it. Oh, it's just for Hoover and the nonsense. It's kind of, you can't have the big lights on. Nonsense? What I didn't do either. If anything, nonsense would want for Hoover and the nonsense. It's kind of, you can't have the big. Nonsense. I didn't do either.

We've got. If anything nonsense would want the lights off. Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so. You don't want to nonsense. Nah, they want to see the kid. Oh, Finn. Yeah.

Who hoovers at night? Fucking a 28 year old. What's the point of that? Oh, come on. We've got the Christmas tree out, obviously. I'm not a maverick there. The Christmas tree gives off such good light. I'm already like, I'm sad for January

when the Christmas tree goes away. It's such a brilliant warm light, perfect. We have one lamp on side, Christmas tree, perfect lighting. Beautiful. Just leave it up. I'm all about that. Who cares about customs? There was an old people's home near my nana's house

when I was growing up. And I think it was for people who were like really like, I think like a dementia and shit. And they just left, they left the Christmas decades all year. That feels mean. No, it's nice. Oh, you don't know when it is or we're going to fuck with you even more. It's always Christmas. It's always Christmas and they're happy. I suppose if it's always Christmas, that's good. That's nice. Yeah, that's nice. Actually. Another thing with this, I'd add to this, the people that prefer the white light to like the warm orangey light.

Do they exist? Oh, the sterile, really complex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's creepy. They're much more common now than they were. They're serial killer people, I think. That's like, you know, Patrick Bateman sort of shit. Why do you want like...

Do you know what the best light color is for sleeping? Red? Black? It's not just darkness. A red light? A sleep, red light is better to sleep in. Wouldn't you feel like evil? I feel horny. You're just sleeping in red light.

I'd feel aroused. What? Red. Cause you love brothels. Yeah. No, red light immediately. Apparently what it does to your skin and your eyes and stuff, it's better to sleep in red light than in... Well, red tinted glasses are a thing, aren't they?

That celebrities are wearing, apparently it's a better filter of blue light and stuff. Yeah, meant to sleep better in red light. It makes you look like Jack Nicholson. You have red lights in Japan, didn't you, Steve? Steve says yes off camera. You got a hooker in Japan? In his apartment he had a friend. Wait, you got, so you didn't get a hooker in Japan?

No, he didn't get a hooker in Japan. Why not lad? Yeah, Steven off camera says stop talking to me. Next one, Abz says lads have a word with my Uber driver Omar. I was getting an Uber to the train station and we were cutting it close then halfway through the journey Omar pulled over on the hard shoulder and went for a piss in a bush. I missed my train by a matter of minutes. Have a word with him. Outrageous behavior. Oh my gosh. Tell him. Go last week. Yeah, tap him on the shoulder. That is bloody hard. Show them. I mean, I've had, I've had, yeah, I've had crazy experience with Uber drivers, but not, yeah, actually way worse than that. And I was like, Oh, like I had remember Uber pool. Do you remember that. P-O-O-O. Uber pool. Uber pool. Uber pool. Uber pool.

Uber pool. Uber pool. But that one where you like order the Uber and like obviously you'd pay less and then you'd have to share it with strange. I had a mad one. Like before COVID I ordered one and I'm turned up and uh, there was this like girl in the back of the Uber, like blonde girl, but just she was like dead silent. Wasn't saying anything. I got in, me and Uber driver just having a good time singing songs, all of that. So it's a good laugh. Um, and then, uh, the girl like basically speaks up and she's like, Oh, who are you taking home first? And he goes, Oh, I'm taking him because I just followed the app. It says his house is closest. I go there

and she goes, no, you got to take me home first. And he goes, well, I don't make the decision. I just follow the app. She's like, I don't give a fuck. You got to take me home first. And he goes away. if you don't shut up, I'll kick you out of my Uber. She goes, you can't kick me out. Park, she says, get out. And then she says, I'm not getting out. And then he goes, all right, I'll call the police

if you don't get out. I mean, literally, black man, I'm like, yo bro, don't call the police. I'm trying to like, relax. I said, let me talk to her, innit? So I turned around and I'm like, yo, like, it's not his fault. He's just following the app.

Like, he don't know. He don't make the decisions. And you know, add like two minutes to your journey. You won't even lose that much time. And she's like, well, I ain't got time to waste, unlike you. Like, just bloody aggressive. Unlike you. Yeah, to me.

So I got up. But she's saying you don't have a job, is what she's saying. Probably. Yeah, I don't know. And I got upset. So I said something I never thought I would say in my whole life. I literally turned around. I was like, yo, Muhammad called the police, man. Do you know? Call the police. So he calls the police yet. He's on the phone. He's like, yo, there's a girl in the back of my Uber. She's causing trouble. She won't get out. Come,

come get her. And the police are like, it was like Camden in London. They're like, there's a police station, literally a couple of minutes on the corner. Just drive there if you're comfortable and we'll come get her. So go to the police station, see him going. And then I see the police coming out and I legit felt something I never felt in my whole life. When I saw the police coming, I physically felt myself go like,

ah, the police are coming. I've never had that feeling before. It was like, nice, they're gonna come take this girl, I get to go home. Police come to the door, open the door, and obviously they grabbed me, right? Yeah, I swear, true story. And I'm like, oh shit, obviously that's what's meant to happen.

Then the Uber driver comes running out, innit? And he starts yelling, he's like, yo, I said the girl. I said the girl. And then the police are like, the girl? And then I'm like, yeah, the girl. Like, it's not always off us, you know what I mean? And even if it is like, what kind of nigger just sit here waiting to get arrested?

Do you know what I mean? Like, surely, surely they should have thought, oh, normally they run, you know what I mean? And this one's just sitting there, practicing his mug shot, like, eh, you know what I mean? It was ridiculous. So then they put me back in the car, take the girl, and the Uber driver comes, and he's just like, eh, you know, like it was ridiculous. So they put me back in the car, take the girl and the Uber driver comes and he's just like, so apologetic. He's like, I'm so sorry. Like

that happens to you. Do you know what? Cause of all of that stress, I'm going to cancel your fee and I'm going to take you home for free. And I was, Oh shit, races and pays. That's great. I'm so like, but then we're, so we're going, right. Going home and then we're just bonding in it, chatting about Nigeria. He's talking about the middle East it's proper sweet um get to my house drops me off i get out of the car um and then just before i'm about to go in my house he like pulls back up in it and he's like oh mate i just want to say like honestly you're one of the best customers i've ever had like the way you just like dealt with that situation you were so fun and so nice like you've even changed my life because if i'm being honest before you, I never even

used to like black people, but because of you, I'll give them a chance. And then I was like, Mohammed too, what the hell is going on? I swear it's a true story. And I'm standing there with the app, like is that one star or five stars? Are you really? I don't know because I got home for free, but like the racism caught me off guard. Do you know what I mean? At the end, it was a, it was a mad day.

I think it's five stars for the story. Yeah. Do you know what is, I agree with that because the next day I told, I told family members, all my black family members are friends. They were like traumatized. All my black comedian friends are like, fuck, I wish that happened to me. Bad shout on Camden police station where he's gone. There's a white woman in

the taxi causing problems and they're like, nah. We just don't see it, mate. We think it's him. We're pretty sure it's him. I just, with all sort of Uber situations, you just want it to go normal, don't you? Whenever someone does something fucking weird, you're like, please. Like that's why I get why people are like, can we just not talk? Can you just not play music? And I get why there's the option. There is an option sometimes. You compress the...

It looks eggy, it looks really cold, but I just, you just want it to be normal. If it's not going to be normal, you want it to be as bad shit as that. You want it to be mentally. Yeah. I thought when he was pulling back up and he was like, man, that was just special. I thought it was going to be like, he had like maybe fallen in love with you a little bit. Oh, like it was like a love actually thing.

Did you feel that? It felt so like heartfelt. I'm in love with you. Yeah. Well, it's changing enough. It was heartfelt. That's why I confused my brain. I was like, wait, that's good.

I guess it is good. Yeah. So like it's not, it wasn't good, but it wasn't good, but now it's good. But also I felt more just like, but we've been chatting this whole time. I feel as he judged you. Yeah. Yeah. Like I didn't know when I just, I didn't know I was talking to someone that thought that before, but it's cool. It's happy. I gave him five stars because I thought if I give him any less, he might reverse and be like, you know, fucking nigga. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah, you know, two stars. No,

that's why I don't trust them. You know, so I gave him five stars and hopefully he's now picking up more blacks. But it also is mad that he came back and said, and he's probably telling them the story. Oh mate, before you, you know, like, I tell you, I don't trust those white bitches. White women now, it's swapped. But I, I just can't like, why does he come back? Why are you trying to make it so gay? Huh? Mike? No, I'm not. I'm this is this one.

Why are you adamant that he's trying to shag me? No, I'm pushing this narrative. I'm not pushing the gay thing. I pushed the gay thing once. This time I was going, I just don't get if he was racist. Like why don't you keep that in your head? Okay. I've changed my mind about black people rather than come back to you and just be like, just so you know, usually I think he's stink. I guess he just wants me to know I'm the first one. That you've heard him. That I'm like, so when he's in the future,

like, you know, doing Black Lives Matter marches and I see him do it, like, you know, everyone's gonna have a flag of George Floyd. He had one of me, like without this guy, I wouldn't be here. That's what it was. So he just wants me to know that I'm the change, you know? He had a dream and I don't know, I'm just

saying things. This wasn't how you met your best friend, the girl Courtney, was it? No, Courtney was not a brown person from the middle East though. Right, right, right. Right boys, that is a podcast. Please. person from the middle East though. Right, right, right. Right boys. Podcast. A damn good one says I. So give me a follow. Have you got any gigs coming up that you want to push? Have you got things to sell? You do your show with Andrew Mensah that's smashing

it. Yeah. Andrew Mensah and I, yeah. We do every month we do a show called We Saw That. It's like a joint, it's like a sort of improv show involving the crowd and we get guest comedians on bloody great show every month. We do them at top secret comedy club. We're going to start doing them in other places soon as well. But top secret comedy club. We got that there. Me personally, yeah, I'm back at hot water in March and August. I don't remember when. First week of March, innit?

First week of March, actually. Oh, well done. Well done. Yeah. Back then. And yeah, I've got loads, loads coming up, loads coming up. Mike, where can we find you? Oh, you're going to be in Ireland with us for the Murderers Row. We've got the biggest standup tour. It's the first standup tour we've done as a podcast. Adam and I will be comparing a section each. We've got dates all over the shop. We've got a new day in Cardiff, February the 21st. That's a Friday because the Saturday is sold out.

But Saturday the 15th of, no it's February, Saturday the 15th of February, we're in Dublin with the young Kilkenny phenom, Mike Rice is one of the acts. So tickets available at haveawordpod.com. I is one of the acts. So tickets available at have a word pod.com. I'm one of the acts as well. Right. So I'll be on that. I'll have a special coming out. I think in January or February that'll be on YouTube. Check that out. My podcast with Vittoria, obviously guide to parenting. Listen to that. And that's it.

What's your special called? What's your special called? The new one is going to be called nasty character. And I have seen it. It is very, very funny. Thank you, man. Thank you, man. Appreciate it guys. Hope you're enjoying this gooch between Christmas and new year.

Should we listen to some music in the gooch? Should we drop a tune? I don't like that word gooch. This is by Hamilton Hound and it's called Graves. I think you'd like this one. What kind of music is it? It's quite kind of, I don't know, reminds me of like Sleaford Mods or The Street.

And I like- Is it? Yeah. Right. Hi guys, this is Hamilton Hounds. And this is our new single. What is it? Graves.

Graves. A bit like the Sleaford Mods. I might be wrong though, but I think it sounds... Alright, alright, cool, I'll give them a listen. Appreciate you, thanks for listening, thanks for watching. Bye for now! seems afraid shaped by the people but neglected by the few seems afraid disengaged and drifting through school noticed not for achievement but for

laughter that lovable rogue his voice loud and bright there was a spark in his eyes a quiet ambition that hinted of dreams beyond anyone's imagination. Times have changed, seems the phrase. Driven by desire and stretched to impatience, he imagined a future where he would rise above, not bound by the rules or the weight of his beginning. He was fueled by a hope that only grew stronger. He played the class clown, joking and jesting, masking

his hurt and his unspoken goals. Whit became his shield, guiding his pride, keeping trouble at bay and hiding the weight he carried. People laughed but he held his own plans Visions of belonging, a throne, a place of his own He saw himself as someone who could rise Challenge limits and move forward, to spark the hardship in his path And then maybe one day they'd look back at him differently As the boy who used humour to spark something more Rising from the shadows we've looked to lose Proving that sometimes those who start with the least have the most to achieve

then maybe we all do times have changed seems afraid lost in the lights, smooth to swaying Emotionally tied but long to leave Nothing to fear. Seems afraid. Then maybe we all do Times have changed Why do they always move? Then maybe we all do