Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #310 with Russell Howard - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our brand new website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word: Murderers Row | https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/have-a-word-the-live-podcast-tickets/artist/5406541Comedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's Karaoke Party: https://skiddle.com/e/40472096As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Tickets:https://haveawordlive.comMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lids? Have you heard? We've got a brand new website. It's have a word pod.com and on our brand new website. We've got a brand new website. It's haveowardpod.com and on our brand new website,

we've got a brand new line of merch, T-shirts, hoodies, jumpers, hats, stickers, there's all sorts. And it's available right this second. Go to haveowardpod.com, get yourself some merch. And while you're there, you could also get tickets too. Murderers Row, we're doing a massive stand-up tour all around the UK and we're doing Dublin. It's me comparing the first section,

Adam comparing the second, and then we've got the best acts we know. People you'll recognise from the couch, some absolute killers from comedy doing stand-up. Proper stand-up tour. There's no podcast tour this year. We wanted to do stand-up with our mates, and we've come up with the Murderers Row standup tour.

Four special guests every night. Me and Dan doing a bit each as well. And obviously we're bringing all the lads down. We're gonna get Finn to sing at the end. It's gonna be absolutely class. And all the tickets and all the merch are at haveawordpod.com. And of course, if you love what you're watching,

patreon.com slash haveaword pod for loads of bonus content. But we'll tell you more about that a little bit later. Enjoy the episode. It's going to be a... It was good. Yeah, it was really good. It was class. Man, Sensei Kal and Finn. This is the one and only Have Award. Brought to you by Manscape. The very best products on the market for below the waist groomer.

Go Ed, get on me. There's an episode start. How's your sex life done? 2025, huh? From the off. By the way, you said it was 2023 on the BEMI episode. Percentage chanting, what? You said it was 2023 on the BEMI episode.

You fucking idiot. Thanks for pulling me up, Carl. You're welcome. Mad. Happy New Year, first public episode of the New Year. Happy New Year. Hope you'd all had a good one. Even if you are a pub, even if you're not a Patreon,

hope you've had a wonderful Christmas, hope you have a fantastic 2025, Even if you are a pub, even if you're not a Patreon, hope you had a wonderful Christmas, hope you have a fantastic 2025, and all your wishes come true. How's your sex life done? Not all your wishes. I was praying you forgot where we were going. What have you been up to? People might wish for nasty things.

What? People might wish for nasty things. Oh, who's doing evil, evil wishes for Hitler? Yeah, Voldemort. Voldemort. Yeah, dead-hand fiction. Wish Harry would die. Every Yeah. Voldemort. Voldemort. Yeah. Dead Hand Fiction. Wish Harry would die.

Every year Voldemort. Every year. Every year Voldemort gets fucking battered by 12 year olds, Maisie and Ming. That's the song. Voldemort gets battered. Every year he goes. And how's your sex life? Finn, how did you spend New Year?

Yes. I had a gig in sunny, sunny, clanded now and it gave you AIDS. Yeah. You sound rough. I feel rough. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. Sexy. I remember the clanded no flu. I did no AIDS. Yeah. Um, but yeah, I just spent yesterday sleeping. I had a, but yours was ticketed. So it was different. I was just in a bar and the weather was absolutely shy. So it wasn't that busy. Yeah, but if you've paid for it, you're gonna go on. People did go, it was busy.

Can you tell me what we did last New Year's Eve? Cause I can't remember. I know what happened two nights ago. We didn't do anything. Oh, I didn't do anything. Right, okay, good. I thought I'd just had like a mental block and I'd- I went out with Harry.

Oh, your friendship is so cute, you two. You didn't come to mine, did you, yeah? We went out to house party. I was in a bit of a mental health hole last New Year. Yeah, alright. That's how he spends it. Starting strongly this year, guys. I just accept them.

Have you done any fucking lately? It's at the start of the episode there's such a much higher chance that she listens and watches. Laura, turn off now. Laura we're going to talk about someone else. Laura go on, you gone? Has anyone been to Dusseldorf? Go and see if the kids are alright in the bath.

What does Laura hate? Shadow boxing in the bath, you don't want that do you? Go, go. Don't take your phone, don't take your phone, that'd be weird. What does Laura hate? Wellies? Ah we're going to talk about wellies for 40 minutes Laura, go away. Go on.

I was on A Promise yesterday, A promise made at a zoo. Is there anything more sexual? Sorry. That's a bad name or a bad album. A promise named at a zoo. A promise named at a zoo. Happy new year, everyone. Where does that phrase come from, by the way?

On a promise. I promise to fuck you later. Yeah, but like, was there like a voucher exchange back in the day or something? Maybe, yeah, it will work. A woman was like, hey. Sexual promise. Also, I've never had a promise because Ier exchange back in the day or something? Maybe, yeah, it will work. A woman was like, hey. Sexual promise. Also, I've never had a promise because I think that happens in the, let's say the autumn

years of your life. What does a promise sound like? Yeah, like I've... Have you never ever gone, hey, should we bunk later? No. And, oh, you just sort of, you're just pinning them down, headlock, fucking passion. No. You just surprise them and, because I don't know, women, you do.

You take them to the Cotswolds, you take them, you know. No. You're like, I need to get a wheel change at QuickFit. And then all of a sudden you just- She's never gone, we're gonna fuck later. We've always just, it's just- It just happens for you, doesn't it? Cause you're sexual, passionate.

You just go shush. I don't think you're backing me up here. I am with Carl on this. Oh no, yeah, yeah. I don't, you know. Like- And this is why I love learning from you. No, no, I'm not trying to teach you.

You're a much more experienced man than me. What we're asking is, what does a promise sound like? So you're walking around the zoo, you're looking at the monkeys. Oh, we saw the jaguar. Listen, underrated part of Chester Zoo doesn't get the attention that it deserves. I don't think people know it's there.

It's a way past the giraffes. Go see the Jaguars. So when you look at the Jaguar, and she was like, I want to sit all over your body. I saw a Jaguar and I was like, God, I'm going to bump your head in. Go for it. Yeah, but isn't that, you put an air on a promise

and surely she's on a constant promise because you want to fuck all the time, don't you? No, but the constant promise would be, well, that wouldn't work, would it? Because if I'm always up for it and she's always up for it, there's no promises needed. We'd just be banging. Banging near the monkeys. Yeah.

I fucking... I think that's what Karl's saying. It's always on the table. It doesn't always happen, but we know it's always on the table. So with Laura, it was like, it's been a nice day, what are you doing later? You know? And then a horse came over. One of the less popular attractions at the zoo. There is a domestic goat at the zoo that

no one gives a fuck about. Tony here, please. So ask me a question. You're in the zoo. You're looking at the Jaguars, right? Jaguars. Jaguars. Jaguars. Jaguars. I was like, we shouldn't go to the cinema. We should go to the Jaguars.

So you're looking at the Jaguars. Yeah. And then you say to Laura, do you want to fuck later? And she says, promise. Is that right? She, no. Pinky promise with your cock. What? She doesn't call down the powers of the promise. I declare promise. It's, she just goes, yeah, right. Yeah. See you later. See you later. What do you want? You don't leave, you don't leave the zoo at the same time. Famously. We're going, you go that way. So you propose it.

I'll go past the elephants. You're watching the jaguars, you get a bit turned on and you go, do you wanna fuck later? I didn't get turned on by the jaguars. I just want you to, I'm like, whoa. It sounded like the underrated bit of the zoo. You're so majestic.

So you get turned on by something else, near the jaguars. The bats. I get turned on by her. Watching my wife look at a Jaguar. So you at that point say to her, can I fuck you later? And she says-

Not in my exact words. What were your exact words? This is what we're asking. What were your exact words? Hey, fancy a bit of cock later. Yeah, that was it. You nailed it. Second time.

What's he for tea? What you're having for tea? My cock. Yeah. These, again, you guys know women, don't you? And I was like, what's, you should start the new year like we mean to go on with a cock butty. I know what she wants, and I've learned this is-

I'll get the bread in later, wholemeal. That's a nice Jaguar. My dick is a sandwich, and you're a fucking pussy. No, don't shush me. It's romance, babe. I know there's fucking people under the jive. The level to which we have cut off the due by the way is fucking incredible. Do you like sandwiches? Well, I'm going to fuck you. Go on. So you're not going to promise you've both gone wink, wink. What happens?

You've made a proposal and she said yeah go ahead yeah yeah fuck me late again cock butty I'm hungry yeah yeah side on yeah she's loyalist and doing banter that I don't understand she was like you bring the mayo she meant jizz the boom oh you put mayo on a sausage, butty. But it's a sandwich based reference. The sandwich isn't important. Daddy's sauce. Nice. Nice, nice.

Daddy's special sauce. Come. You have to pause and then say come. Because you don't want to turn it up with condiment. She turns up with bread and a selection of meats and cheeses. You've misunderstood what we said at the Jaguars. She's like, are we not making sandwiches? Like, why would we wait for the kids to go to bed? She's like, they're not allowed to see the sandwiches. I have people to go to bed to make sandwiches quite often.

I love a late night sandwich. I'm making them at night. Listen, I don't want to talk down to you about parenting, but the last thing you want to do is send a children up. Send children up with sandwiches. Oh, you mean to me? Right, night kids, go and make your sandwiches. Right everyone, get a knife, get some cheese, get some bread. I think this might be like the fat guns in me, right? But you know a sandwich that you're not meant to be having, like a two way, you know if you're up dead lays because like you can't sleep or like you fucked it You've had too much caffeine or whatever and your missus is already in bed and you're just like, oh babe

I'm just gonna watch a bit of telly like you you go off I'm just gonna watch a bit of telly for to get in. I'm just a bit wired me You know if that like stretches, let's say that was like half 10 11 p.m Because women love an early night don. Cause women love an early night, don't they? They fucking love an early night. Let's say you just push that to like 2 AM. And you know, at that point, that's not calorie time. Especially if you're conscious of your weight. You shouldn't be having calories at 2 AM.

You certainly shouldn't be having an absolute monster of a butt, you get crisps on as well. Oh, you're not just going for an emergency quick one. You're going, you're doing a full like homemade. You know, sometimes genuinely what I want at that hour of night is plain ham butty with ready salted crisp on like just like wafer thin, Bernard Matthews ham, orange war buttons, layer pack and ready salted crisp. And it sounds plain as fuck and it is, but it's just sometimes exactly what you need. The butter is the source. Those butties, like butties at like 2am. Butties between the hours of midnight and 5am.

That are like secrets no one needs to know about this apart from me, God and the fridge. Them butties are the best. Butties, they taste better. Cereal 10pm onwards as well. Wow. You need to get yourself wrapped with gourd in your fridge. Go on, so while making butties, you're upstairs serving cocktails. Look, you know, we're getting confused. We're all covered in Jaguar merch, because we're at to buy it. We've seen it. You have to get the fucking hoodie, don't you?

We sent the kids off with a bread knife each, sandwich you know fillings, they've gone to bed, close your doors I don't want to hear you know cutting and the sandwiches. Just metaphors gone all over the place by the way because it sounds like you're sending the kids off for a wank. With a knife. Go make your own buddies in your own room. Not a euphemism. What for, Dad? Come here. And then we have to wait for them to be asleep. You have to do it every single day. How do you know they're asleep?

Do you keep shouting until they don't reply? Yeah, that's how you check if a small child is asleep. Hey! Do you wake? They usually are. No, I don't. You know what? I found through my experience of being a dad

that they're very scared. I mean down the hall. Are you asleep yet? And they don't reply. No get right next to their face. Are you asleep? That is a genuine question I've got though about parenting. Yeah obviously the um postnatal fuck once she's out of the baby. Postnatal it's quite postnatal this right the postnatal fuck yeah how do you know for sure that they're asleep the kids I don't think you ever need to go to postnatal fuck oh that sounded way too medical like a midwives coming in for the checkup eight weeks after the birth have you had the postnatal fuck great postnatal is like a Have you had the postnatal fuck? Great. Postnatal is like a week, not four years. Postnatal is permanently after the baby. It's postnatal. Yeah, you're

absolutely right. I see grandmas with the grandkids like going, God, she's really postnatal. She's double postnatal. Dead. She's dead. Go on. So how do other kids sleep? Genuine question. Have you got baby monitors on them still? Because I know how human beings sleep, you know? It's not, this isn't like, hey finally I've understood sleep. Yeah. What do you mean? What do you mean? Do you go and look at them? I don't know if the child's asleep, you look and go, oh yeah they're unconscious. Oh you look at them, you open the door that might wake them up. And we don't lock, the doors aren't shut. Whoa, that's weird. I don't think you're doing that.

Not even for postnatal fucking. What? And we don't lock, the doors aren't shut. Whoa, that's weird. I can't be doing that. Not even for postnatal fucking. What? Not even for postnatal fucking. The kids' bedroom doors aren't shut. When it's time for sandwiches, and again, we're getting very confused, when it's time for, you know, like,

daddy's special sauce, again. When it's time for sexily- When your kids go to sleep, their bedroom doors are open. What if a burglar gets in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Luckily, burglars can't work doors, apart from front doors that they've broken in through. doors are open. What if a burglar gets in? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Luckily, burglars can't work doors. Apart from front doors that they've broken in through.

No, but then you know there's kids there to burgle? Right. But burglars are just confused by closed doors, are they? They're like, wow, well... It's more confusing, isn't it? I don't know what this wooden portal is, but there'll be nothing behind there. And also, I'd suggest that burglars aren't trying to steal children. Some of them are. Ask Maddy McCann's brothers and sisters.

Nice, nice. Let's get Maddy in. Right, if only they'd close the door and not fucked off for Tappers. You can Tappers. Tappers, Jaguars, the cinema, Tappers. You'd fucked up the Tappers mate. Go on though, they sleep with the door open because they're scared of the dark, and they've got nightlights, but...

Do you leave the landing lights on? We leave the bathroom, upstairs bathroom light on, and the landing light off, so it's the right amount of light. When I was a kid, I wasn't scared of the dark, but I didn't like it. I'm scared of the dark now. Did you have a nightlight? I've got a nightlight now.

Oh, boo. The big light. So my bedroom when I was a kid had it now. Did you have a nightlight? I've got a nightlight now. Oh, boo. The big light. It's from my bedroom when I was a kid, had it. What did you say? I sleep with a big light on. Eyes open. And I'm next to a street light on Saturday,

open the blinds. Can't sleep, so the sunbed. Wake up, black man. There's no monsters coming now, apart from the monsters of skin cancer. When I was a kid, we had a cupboard in me, not to brag. Flex. What you keeping there? Your buddy stuff?

Fucking hell lads, you're not sorry. Stop talking about cupboards. I once asked if I could put my bed in the cupboard, so I have more bedroom to play in. Harry Potter. More bedrooms. That's clever though. How big is this cupboard? It could fit a single mattress in. How's, what? What?

Cupboard? That's a room? No, like a single mattress would fit in the cupboard. Yeah. And it would touch all of the walls. But the end of it was in Narnia. So there would be no floor. The floor would be entirely. cupboards don't have walls.

What are you talking about? Cupboard, cupboard. A wardrobe. Oh, like a walk, like it's a walk in gaff. Like a teacher's cupboard. Not like a kitchen cupboard. Like a cupboard. It's a wardrobe, you're sleeping in it.

It's not got a bedroom full of units. I have on his mask, you're sleeping in it. It's not got a bedroom full of units! That's what I thought it was. I have it in my house, don't I? I've already said it so. No, it's nice, nice. Erm, it was... I don't know what to say, it was a fucking cupboard. Like a teacher's cupboard rather than a kitchen cupboard. Yeah, but that's still a cupboard though, isn't it?

Yeah, I like it enough. Cupboards don't have walls! It was the exact size of a single mattress. So if you put a single mattress on the floor. I'm going to say this right now. Either that was a massive cupboard or a small mattress. Like in my head that doesn't like how big. How big do you think single beds are? It was a, it was a decent size cupboard.

Of the size of that table if you squared it off. I had a cupboard and you had a bed and you never got it in. You just did once. I was like, look, it fits. I mean, that my dad was like no pay the loft for your bed for them son you keep him that but then what would you do if you were scared as a bomb where's Adam his room's empty you can't use this cover they leave me here me coats and me boots in here so did you share with Jack? Up until I was about 13, yeah, we had bunk beds. And then that room with the cupboard

and became Jack's room then. And I moved into the back room. Who was top dog, who was bottom dog? I was the top dog. You got peed. Because when Jack was very young, he used to piss the bed and I didn't want it to come through the mattress

onto my face. Nice. Right. So where are we? Adam's in a cupboard. Why is this? He's making penis buddies. Yeah. Yeah. It all makes sense. It all makes sense. Where are we? Genuinely? Why are we talking about you being in the cupboard? Scared of the dark. Yeah. So I used to have the door slightly ajar with the lights on. Anyway, did you fuck your wife? Yeah. She got a sandwich. A disappointing one. Really poor player rating for me. Why? Why? Why? Do you know what? I tell you this. What would you give yourself out of 10?

It's 4.6. It's a low one. It's one of them one. I have to hold my hands up. Are you nice to the player? It's just, it's poor. That's an own 4.6. It's like an own goal on a red card, isn't it? Is it? Jonathan Woodgate. Well, I didn't throw her out of a window with a broken hip or anything.

Like it was, it was just, it was just, it was a diss. I mean, that's a bad performance. Well, you subbed off in the first half. He didn't even make the first half. For someone else? Yeah. Jeff didn't come in. No, it was just poor. Just subbed. Yeah. Oh, just didn't get the business done for laws. Didn't get the

business done. Did you have to put a photo up of a corner flag with like communicado official afterwards? I don't get the reference, but no, I didn't. It was one nil to you. Yeah. Well, I'll put it this way. I finished my butty and Laura wasn't full. Okay, right. But that can happen sometimes, can't it? It can. It can. It just happened two or three times.

Did you eat your butty too fast? I ate my butty a bit too fast. Were you too excited for the butty? I got excited. I was like, God, I love butties. And then she was enjoying her butty. And I was like, when she enjoys it, I'm like, whoa, I'm really enjoying it.

And then, you know, I was like. So when you finished your butty, why didn't you lick her house? Clean that daddy's sauce off. With your tongue. Tastes better when it's mixed with mommy's sauce. Oh God. It's like burger sauce.

Catch up a mayo. You always make it so much worse. Little bit of vinegar. Love it. Let's do the euphemism. A little bit of vinegar. Love it. Let's do the euphemism. Do the euphemism. Keep it going. Little bit of innuendo.

You must set out. Yeah. Oh no. Why didn't you go to the Muff Diving Club? I just made my apologies. So, you know, we'll try this again. Missionary? In the Fortnite.

Apologies. Missionary? Apologies. Missionary? Apologies. It was a poor performance. Doesn't happen very often. I'm usually a get the job done. It's a result.

Yeah. Score draw. Do you use toys? Yeah, Woody got involved. Jonathan Woodygate. There's a snake in your pussy hole. There's a snake in your pussy. Let's see the other one.

I'm so glad though. you're a pussy hole. There's a snake in your pussy. See the one. I'm so glad this town ain't big enough for my cock. I'm so glad my wife is a patron because she'll get to see this early. She won't have to wait till everyone else sees it. What's the other one? He says, put them up or something. Put it it up there's a snake in your box there's a snake in your pussy this cock ain't big enough for the pussy somebody puts the water hole good stuff good stuff anyway I love sandwiches that's the point I'm trying to make I'm'm fucking starving. I'm getting a Derrick's today. And by that I don't mean I'm driving home to just have sex with my wife. Get them gabagool. Dan, do you want some sexual advice?

From Finn ideally. Go on, Tore. Finn's fucking more than almost. Get some toys involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. LoveHoney.co.uk. Yeah. Code word dash aff20. Genuinely, if you're a... No. AFF dash word 20.co.uk. Yeah. Code word dash aff 20. Genuinely, if you're a-

No. AFF dash word 20. No way. If you're pumping too quickly, like, get a little fucking bullet vibrator mate. It's like a cheat codes, like having the unlimited weapons cheat on GTA. Carl's gone for a wink.

This is not an advert by the way. You can use one of these. Right. What do you think this is? She's got four R's also, that's great. You need to speak to the mic. Do you know one of these. Right. She's got four arse holes. So that's great. Speak to the mic. Do you know there's a sexto you can buy now, right?

And it's a fucking incredible little contraption. Go on. It goes up your arse, the man. Round your cock and in here, pussy your arse hole and all of it vibrates. Isn't that an absolute Mardi Gras of a sex toy? Yeah. How'd you put it on? And yeah, can you get locked in together? Yeah. What if you get stuck? What? Just sounds like it sounds like a Chinese fucking finger trap.

You've over complicated the body there. Yeah. Yeah. Go on. It goes around. It could be a messy one. It's like having, it's a moist maker and it's like Ross's box of baked sandwich. It's a devil moist. How much do you think that's for? Not sure. Genuinely not. It's a Bain mask. Oh, you think sandwiches are your ally?

I think it's just a massager. You merely adopted the bread. It's just a massager, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. But yeah, I'm keen to try that toy. Are you into it yet? I've never had the cockering on,

so I'm thinking for a penny and for a fucking anal pound you know sounds good I mean you know I just think you've got a you've got to be feeling yourself on this is it agreed or you just whipping her just whipping it out I am gonna be that's gonna be a sexy fuck yeah what rather than a functional yeah which they obviously exist we need to get it out you don't put that like lard. Are you wasting your time? Yeah, come on. A hangover fucks like a that's more of a contractual obligation. You both just need to just get a demon out of here I think the hangover. I think that can be a dirty one, can't it? Dirty doesn't mean sexy. Sexy's like we're gonna put an hour in here. We're gonna fucking wear outfits

I've been really driving. Not an hour's worth of pumping, but like we're going to set the scene, you know, get the button out early. Really, we're doing marathons. But then the functional ones like you want to come, I want to come, let's make it come. Yeah.

Vibrates there, on you, Clare. Pom, pom, pom. We're both done. Happy New Year. All right, all right. I'm going to look into it. Well then, other times, you know, it's, ooh, let's have a rub and I'll lick your nipple for a bit.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. And do you say that beforehand? Do you just sort of, like, just to let you know what's going on here? I like it to be all clear. That's my version of being honest, I promise. I'm gonna rub you a bit and lick your nipple.

Not both of them. That's too busy. What are you rubbing? You don't know where to be pick a pick a nipple. I'll go to work. Yeah, you got a favorite nipple Everyone's got a favorite name fucked really. Yeah, and then you have to go through the water. Oh, yeah, and then you go back again lefty Once oh, you mean hairs. Yeah of your own hairs my favorite my I prefer my left breasts are my right one Why I don't know? just when I look down I Hairs. My favourite, I prefer my left breast to my right one. Why? I don't know.

Just when I look down, I prefer looking that way. Some eye comments. I had an inside out nipple till I was like 16. Finn hasn't spoken much this episode. He's just waited. How did you coax it out? Just like whispered to it every night. The whispering nipple.

My nipples are permanently erected. I've been since I was 11. Yeah. We've said that. That is weird. Um, and apparently it's a sign of male breast cancer, but also I'm assured I haven't got that. So I was convinced I had a third nipple for ages. You need to stop looking at your nipples mate. It was your cock. Go on Harry, sorry. I was convinced I had a third nipple for ages and I'd, when I get chained for P I'm like, I am growing a third nipple, it was just a birthmark. I'd never noticed it until. Chandler Bing had a third nipple. The character or the guy?

The character. That's why I said Chandler Bing and not Matthew Penny. I don't know. So he died. How many times have you checked whether you have breast cancer? What do you mean? Because I know you're quite... He's got health anxiety. Yeah. I got checked for it once because I found a lump. It turns out it was one of my ribs.

I think you're checking too hard. Long to lumps here. Oh mate, have you just really pressed down? It's still there but apparently it's like a bit of like a just a bit of a bone like wonk. It's like a bit of like a just a bit of a bone like wonk. Like you can't say that. It's got to be racist. Cause of a bone wonk outside. Who knew this was going to be the breast cancer awareness episode. Ladies, if you're at home, check your breast. Guys, check your bollocks.

Now. See, I always find that hard with the checking the bollocks because. It hurts, doesn't it? Again, how hard are hard you checking? Properly you want to get in there? I just don't know what nubbits and men are being there. There's loads of bumps in there. They're telling me rambin about it innit? Because I mean there's balls. You're looking for a lump in a bag of lumps. Make sure you check them. Concisely and brilliantly explain exactly what I was thinking. God bless Dylan Moran. How regularly do you check your bollocks then? You know, it's you know, regular-ish, don't know. I don't know what's there. I think you'd

know wouldn't you? You need to feel like is that different essentially isn't it? Right right right. If you found an hump on your bollocks and they were like hey. Instantly call all the people yeah. I'm not people who almost want to put it. I'm asking you a question, yeah, Carl. You've already called them and they go, right, it might be a bit of bollock cancer there.

Yeah. I think it might be. Get them out. So, are we cutting it off? They come to you, do they? Get them out, yeah. Are we cutting it off or are we like trying to treat it? Get them out. Both of them?

I mean, if it's two of them, yeah. Yeah, gone. Nah, I'd want to keep at least one. You having a ball sectomy? No, I mean, if it was one, get with the one. If it's on two, get with the one. I'm not trying to cheat. I'm getting rid of them personally anyway. Would you get the prosthetic ones or would you go like streamlined? I'd prefer to like if I'm getting, if I'm losing me bollocks, like. No, it would shrivel up, wouldn't it? That would be bollocks.

Yeah. Well, bollocks shrivel up. Like balls are inconvenience, aren't they? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So if I was losing. Can you feel your balls right now? Yeah.

If I think about it. Do you know what I mean? Like your balls, yeah. Oh, sorry fellas, I don't know. Like if I was losing them and it was like, hey, we can give you prosthetic ones, but they won't be bollocks. They're just fucking table tennis balls in your sack.

Right? I'd be like, keep them. Be a pong final move, teabag. I just, I'd rather have, I'd rather the fucking- I'm telling you right now- The plane be tucked away. If mine have to go, I'm getting a BBL Drizzy fucking, I'm getting replacement bollocks. I don't know.

You're saying they're inconvenient. You've never lived without them. It'd make your cock look bigger though, wouldn't it? Just I'm going to get some prosthetics absolute bastards in. Oh, I'd rather just have the space. My mate works with the... I'd rather not have to manspread on tubes. My mate works with a man who has a, he calls it as goose egg. And it's like the

size of like Andrew the giant's fist. And it's just like swollen. He gets out and just shows like the kitchen stuff. It's like, you know how like bollocks have wrinkles. Does he work in a restaurant? Yeah. Turns up at every KFC. Excuse me. Do you work here? No, I've got to show the kitchen staff me bollocks. I mean that's problematic in so many, it sounds like he's got a horrific tumor and he's also showing KFC staff it. I've seen a photo and it's like if you... You'd want to see it.

It's crazy. But it shouldn't be his profile picture. There's no wrinkles. Have you ever heard that story? The girl who sucked. We had a picture, didn't we? Oh, when was that? A couple of years ago.

So one of my exes, I must have said this last time this came up, but one of my exes had a brother and he got a water infection. You know how women get water infections every time they start like a new sex life? You know what I mean? When they start like seeing a new lad, often women can get a little UTI and it's not, it's fine for them.

It's a bit uncomfortable, but they just take a few like of those little, like fizzy sachets. And then after a few days, they're all right. When men get water infections, it's a lot worse. It's a bigger problem for us, or it certainly can be. And my ex's brother got a water infection. And,

I could like draw his bollocks for you right now. Like it was a photograph. I've got such a clear memory of it. See the cup next to the sake. Is that sake? It is, yeah. Like one of his bollocks was that big. That face on his head. Like one of his bollocks was that big.

But his other one next to it was just still the normal size. Oh, you want them both to go or not at all? Honestly, like he had to get air out of it. So when we went to see him in the hospital, he just had one of his bollocks out and we were just sat around the bed with his sister, his mom, his stepdad, me. This giant bollock. And we're just all talking about like the footy and that. And it's just one of his bollocks.

One of me weirdest memories. Is it, had it been like, just, he's got a leg out and one bollock just. Yeah. Right. Yeah, cause they were like, it needs to breathe. My mate's cousin. It started breathing.

It was going to the toilet. It's starting school soon. My mate's cousin fell breathing. It was going on. Sorry, then I'll tell them. It's starting school soon. My mate's cousin fell at the side of a pool and landed like leg either side and his bollocks fell into the, fell off and fell into the pool. And it was like, you know, like when they go like throw this in and we'll go snorkel for a while. Who had to go for it? He couldn't.

They had to go and get his bollocks from the bottom of the... They fell out. So they sack, or at least one of them did, just severed on the corner of the pool. Stop it! On the corner of the pool. And they had to go snuggle for it. What a fucking hero move that is. With your mouth. You come out with a, is it this? It's a plaster.

Did you ever used to play dead in the pool and see if anyone cared? I would if my bollocks fell off. Love that game. No one cares. This is through harsh reality of life. Where were you swimming? You're in the pool and you're like, you didn't float or anything, you're like, oh I'm dead. Yeah. And then you get bollocked for it by a lifeguard. Do you not, did you never get bollocked? I've done it. And then as an adult, that was a kid. I'm not even sure what he was doing on the beach last year on his own. Just floating. Does anyone care? No. The Chinese guys like, Oh no, we can't rub his feet no more. Good accent car. If you're at home, check your boobies and your balls. There's

a little new year PSA for you. So there you Year, okay? If you're having sex with your wife, don't be afraid to get toys involved and make her go off like a broken fire hydrant, yeah? Make sure she's finishing too. And on top of that, check your balls, check your boobs. Let's make sure none of our patrons get cancer. And even if you're a pube. Even if I'm a pube.

We do care about you as well. The obvious priority there. 29 and a half thousand. One of them's got a lump somewhere, so check and find it. Just odds. I fancy a sandwich. It's one in three, so it's probably like, you know, fair few thousand. No, no, no. One in three in their life. It was still alive, wasn't it? Right.

That's a fun way to go to a break. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need. Whenever you need it, find your push, find your power. Peloton, visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Hello! Part two of four. It is a big guest, isn't it? Yeah. I think we take them for granted a little bit. No, Russell Howard is one of the forerunners of British comedy when we were kids. I reckon he's the part. It's part of the reason I properly got into stand up introduced me to so many people that have appeared there, but that I'd never seen before on good news. Yeah.

On this extra. Yeah, that was sweet. I bet. I bet that was him that said, I will ask him that said we should have a little bit of stand up as well and we'll get people on. It's so funny if we ask him and he's like, no, I that. I hated sharing my show with those cunts. I used to love Russell Outgood News. It was such easy, good, watching every weekend. It was like a news roundup and it was fucking boss. It was massive as well. BBC3 was the place to be. And always dead, like always dead sound. He was doing bits when I started out but he was like the young making moves comic. Like he was, because I was young as well. There was so few like dead young comics that were actually doing stuff.

It was like, it felt like the 30 year olds older, they were all the ones doing stuff, but he was getting like newcomer just as I, the Edinburgh friend. Do you think the same age as you? Yeah, I was thinking that. Yeah, I think he is, yeah. But he started a little early.

You don't forget how much of a mainstay he was on Mock the Week as well. He was one of the OGs, one of the him, Frankie mainstay he was on Mock the Week as well. He was one of the OGs. He was one of the him, Frankie Boyle. The peak of Mock the Week. Yeah. He was, yeah. Part of the fucking reason of bloat.

I'm excited. Well, we can lick his arse when he gets in. You got any prep done? No, but we can't lick his arse when we get in. You can't do that kind of thing. We can say it well in for Smashing Cop. We can't be like, you were the best. Okay.

You just say that. You were the best. You were the best. You're the best. You're the best. You're the best. Hey brother, I will be in the company of one of you. You're the best. Thank you all.

No, don't do that. No, you'll think I'm disabled. Oh, what the? You're the best, man. I think we should do that all until he goes, what are you doing? That's because you're the best. Y'all know. Y'all know you're the best.

Getting motherfuckers on to do 10 minutes of stand up unknown motherfuckers. Nathan Cato. Crazy ass. A take on the news. It was different. You share your show with Nathan Cato, Sean Walsh, Nathan Cato. He is sterling. Wow.

I'm the other guy who was. Y'all didn't need to do that. That was a gamble. Did y'all pay them money? Damn. Give them exposure and shit exposure should we do some exposing everybody but in a good way so we've got some how'd you have a good news Eve by the way?

It was very good yeah. Yeah? The Hootin' Annie? What did you call it? Super party. Super party. Can you see yourselves doing it again or is it one off? In a different way.

Tell me able to shut up and listen to comedy in a closed zone. Yeah it was good. Are you doing it again? It was really good. I think there was a few logistical issues that we had to feel our way through. The standup was Rob Mulholland was as good as I've ever seen him.

I can't believe how brilliant he was. Mulholland's got good. His routine about refugees is fucking unbelievably funny. Me and Carl were like looking at each other dying, laughing at it. I haven't laughed at Stabler for a while. I was like, oh, that's some good shit. Carl Mokley was really good as well,

but Rob really took it. Like people want, people basically wanted to buy. People were ready for the party to become a party. The second we got Ross McGuire on and then the band on and we started doing music, it was fucking class. It just, I think we put this big event together where it was like, you know, stand up quiz, big party. Cause you wanna give everyone everything.

Yeah, and everyone enjoyed all of it, I think. But then I think towards the end of the quiz, people were like, oh, party time now. So we were gonna do the beer pong like finale thing, you know, where it's like you play us to win the, what we do is when we do Carl's quiz, the winner gets under a quid, they can gamble it to win a grand, but they have to beat us at beer pong to win the, what we do is when we do Carl's quiz, the winner gets under a quid. They can gamble

it to win a grand, but they have to beat us at beer pong to win the grand. But I just was sensing people were ready for the party. So I just went up to Carl and I'm like, let's just give the winner the grand. We want them to win it anyway. And to be fair, the people who won it said they wanted to give half of it to Zoe's place. So there was two, there was a couple of students and an older couple, not an old couple, but like an older than them. And they made a team together because they shared a table. And the couple who were older went,

we're going to give our half to charity and the students can keep their half. The students were like, respectfully, great charity. I'm fucking skinned. So 500 pound for Zoe's Place, I'm 500 pound for some students. Oh, that's really good. It all worked out in the end. I'm fucking skin. So 500 pound for Zoe's place. I'm 500 pound for some students. That's really good. It all worked out at the end.

I'm so glad I made it. Like I left Manchester about 10 past 10 and it was like weather warning rain. And I nearly just went, oh, it's just going to be easier to drive home. And it would have been so shit just driving home and going to bed. And I got there.

I nearly didn't get in. So with Bouncers and I... But we told the doorman to be really strict and I hadn't really considered that. Oh well he took that on board. He literally as I came up went hello mate I'm for upstairs for Adam and Carl's party I'm late I had gigs but I'm on the guest list and he literally stepped forward and filled the door and he went, there is no guest list. And I was like, listen, I know you, I know bouncers have to deal with dickheads all the time. I know it's New Year's Eve, but it's one of those ones where you're guilty

till proven innocent with a bouncer, aren't you? And I just feel like he could have read the one man room a little better. And I know better than to ever go, do you know who I am? Like I was like, oh mate, I saw how combative this could have got if I'd have gone, could you go and fucking check? So I was like, right. I'm not being a dickhead. I haven't got a wristband. I haven't been here. These are my mates. I do a podcast with them. They knew I was coming late. He went last first night. I don't know, but there's no guest list.

I went, I run comedy here. We run the podcast together. It's not my event. I went, I went, I remember Jamie's name. I went, could you speak to Jamie? And he nearly went, I don't know. Like it was so, at the point where I was like, am I gonna have to ring you at your own party to go,

can you come and get me, I'm outside? And then he turned to the other bouncer and obviously I'd said Jamie's name and she went, yeah, like he knows one of the names. So then he went, can you just move aside? I thought he said, can you just move aside so you're not in the doorway that no one was using because no one was using it.

And I was like, I nearly went, fuck me, you or being eggy. And I stepped aside and you went, no, I'm in indoor so you're not getting rained on. I was like, Oh, thank fuck. I was like, thank fuck mate. I nearly had to go. I would never want to, I nearly wanted to go. I'm denying it. From the internet. Anyway, one of the managers came down and went, I thought it was down. I was like, and then they were so sound. And while we were waiting, cause it was eggy, I was like, has it been busy? How's your new year been?

Do you know what I mean? I was dead friendly. And I think they were sound. I think they were just been prepped, the knobheads. But I didn't realize that you had also gone be strict with it. No, we, we, all we'd done is go, there was a guest list that he should have known about,

but I was like, look, once it get, cause me and Carl did the door. I was like, once we're gone, if people haven't got a wristband on, they're well too late and they're blagging it. Yeah, well, I got the brunt of that. Apparently, so Thomas Green and Freddie Quinn came after they did Hot Water,

and they got there just before you. So as they're about to come in, I don't know which dorm they spoke to. and Freddie Quinn came after they did Hot Water and they got there just before you. So as they're about to come in, I don't know which Dormen they spoke to. But they were like, we're here for Adam's party. We work with them, we're comedians. And they were like, I don't know, we haven't been told you're coming, lads, sorry.

And they went, look, mate, we've just been at the comedy club. Like, we're not even drinking. We're just coming to say hello to the lads. Like, we work with them. And apparently the Dormen went to him, do you know what, lads? I've seen a lot of liars and you don't look like one.

Go on. You must look like a liar. So that's, in my head I'm like, there's nothing about like, you know how I'm not stumbling in pissed. I'm like turning up, piss, sweat, through in a coat. Just, I, so in those situations, I never go RC. Cause I'm like, I've seen that. I've seen, even if you think you're in the right,

if you go RC, they'll go, I don't give a fuck who you know. You've been a dickhead. So by the end, we're saying, like, as I came down, I was only in there an hour and a half. I literally came back, I was like, Happy New Year. They were like, see you lads, thank you mate. It's always the best way. It's cool, he's just good at his job.

And that doesn't always work out for him. So Manchester was dead. Like I got there early to do the Beer Keller. The Beer Keller, they'd only sold 100 at the Comedy Store. I've heard the Beer Keller can be like lively. The Comedy Store have been there for a year and a half or whatever. It was like doing a Wednesday night gig.

It was like doing a student gig. They were just like dead friendly. The Frog was really bouncy. I got to Manchester so early that I hadn't had tea. Walked past a restaurant, looked really nice. One of like, you know, like the newer, cooler pizzeria gaffs in the Northern quarter. I was like, I'm just going to chance it.

I was like, can I get a table for one? I'm going to be half an hour. I've got a gig. I don't know if you've fully booked. And he went, he was like, I'm going to have fully booked. The whole restaurant's just empty. I don't know what's going on with New Year's Eve or whether it's so chilly.

They didn't see it, Hotwater told me that they were a bit slow with New Year's as well. This year, I think just New Year's has just become house parties and staying in. Things have gone expensive now. I think the idea of New Year's is always better than the actual thing itself. New Year's has always been expensive.

Like, there's never been a, been like some pubs have gone. It's a 25 quid ticket where it wouldn't, they'd never even charged. I mean, with people having less money and then they've blown Christmas and like, we're just staying for new year. Yeah. I think that's happened a lot. It looked like it. You're the atmosphere at your place was great. It was so good to do new year's Eve on the stage and like see it in properly. Yeah. Yeah. For the hour afterwards, after midnight, it was fucking absolutely bouncing on her. Um, we've got some...

The band The Class as well. Where have you been? Oh, I've booked... Kirtle has booked us. I've booked Ross for our anniversary party. Have you, yeah? So I've been trying to get Laura on board with the idea of a, she's 40 and then about two weeks later it's our 10 year wedding anniversary.

This isn't for another year and a bit, it's May, 2026. But because I want a good venue and because you're gonna be busy, like we could book something in for the pod, but all my comic mates are gonna be busy. I want it to be first thing in the diary and get who I want it. I wanted Ross to be the musician.

I'm getting Smokeface Griller to do the food. Because I'm going early, I'm getting exactly what I want. I'm hoping to get the right venue in Chester. And like, that's just about to confirm. And I've got this pop, I'm booking a wedding without the boring bit of the fucking ceremony. Everyone gets there at four, an hour of just mingling. Five, we do the food.

There's a beer garden, hopefully get a marquee up. Everyone gets proper food. Not just like, oh, you ever got a buffet on? We've got fucking smoke-faced grill, mate. And then I'm booking a kids show because there's going to be 25, 30 kids there. I'm hoping. Excited?

Yeah. It's a kid's magician. And if you know the game, you know who it is. Um, and then Ross McGuire is going to do a couple of hours of music with the kids. What, what do we have on the kids? Magician game is Don Woodward. It's wacky. Woody mate. I haven't asked him yet. What? I don't know. That is like you've lost the love of the kids. I thought it was going to be fair. So I'm booking it in. I have something to say, it's completely gone up my head. Kids, parties, Dan's anniversary, to wedding.

Sandwiches, Jaguars. We've got some. It's really annoying. It's going to be really good as well. It'll come back. Stop thinking about it. This had been a great episode. Stop thinking about it. Sorry, Russell a great episode. Stop thinking about it. Sorry Russell.

Oh! There you go. Oh. Oh. Do you know what I did? I watched The Roast yesterday. Fucking hell, it's good. Yeah, so well done.

Now if you're a casual fan of the pod, or maybe you're a brand new viewer or listener because you're a fan of Russell Howard, we are the number one Patreon in the UK. If you don't know what Patreon is, it's a way to provide extra content for your listeners, followers, whatever. It's on the internet.

It's on the internet. We do an extra episode every single week. We do early access to these public episodes and we do a Patreon special every month, which is something on top of the extra episode that you already get and last month's Patreon special was the roast of Have A Word 2 so if you've seen like those big American roasts like the roast of Tom Brady on Netflix and stuff we did our version of that the lineup was insane the biggest names on the bill were like Daniel Sloss, Tom Stade, Finn Taylor,

Freddie Quinn was on, Hattie Preston was on, Thomas Green was on, Ishaan Akbar, Rebecca Goodwin, and me and Dan. And it was so good on the night, but I'd forgotten 95% of the jokes. And I sat on my couch yesterday, fucking screaming, laughing at them. There's so many comments on it that are like, oh, Sloss and Hattie were the best on this and they were both brilliant. I'm telling you right now, the best on the night was Finn Taylor again. If you rewatch that as a comic,

he goes really early, he's on right after each and right at the start. He also has Rebecca leave the stage. He has to deal with Rebecca leaving the stage. Spoilers, Rebecca had to leave momentarily. And he absolutely nailed it. And even if you're not interested in any of the other Patreon specials,

if you're into dark offensive comedy, that's what a roast is. And if you sign up at patreon.com slash have a web pod, even if you just watch that roast and go back and watch the first one for three quid, mate, nobody's producing stuff like that anywhere in the world. And I'm so proud of Will and everyone on the bill for what they did.

Tom Stade's casual set, the way he did it. Like it was like, he obviously did, but the way he delivered it was like he hadn't even wrote it. He delivered it like he was just thinking of it, like off the top of his head. I didn't think he'd prep as much. I thought he'd be like, I'm Thomas Deedle, just roll in.

He'd really done the work. But he performed it perfectly. So good at that, isn't it? Like he made it all. It's one of the most popular things we've ever done. It's right up there now with the absolute like crown jewels of our patron and we're up to about 40 45 specials. I think that's going to go down as one of the most popular. The first roast that we did two and a half years ago wheels are in motion for maybe the roast three later this year.

Can I not be in the back of the shot? So people are like, Dan's pulling a fucking whitey. Oh my God, Dan's having a fucking out of body experience. Are you all right, Dan? It's worth saying that as well, because I watched it and because there's a few comments on it going, fucking hell, Adam and Dan weren't enjoying that, where did they found that?

Really hard. It wasn't that. You're just constantly thinking about the routines you've wrote, whether someone's stepping on what you've said, like trying to react. You sort of forget you're just constantly thinking about the routines you've wrote, whether someone's stepping on what you've said, like trying to react. You sort of forget you're on camera and to be on camera for that long, knowing you've essentially got to do new material

in front of like 1200 people. We love doing it. It's just a stressful, nervous night. And on top of that, you know when you watch the roast of Tom Brady, every comic on the bill is just booked as talent. They're just, their job is to turn up and do the thing. We're not just on stage, we're also running the whole event

and producing the special. And obviously we've got Will and the whole team doing it for us and with us. But we're entirely responsible for every inch of the thing. And it just adds a layer of stress that you can see a couple of times on our face. But I watched it and I was like, we're fucking laughing at everything. It's been on camera for three hours and people judging your reaction.

We loved it. There's comments going on. I don't think the lads enjoyed that. We loved it. Listen, I find them hard and I had to really concentrate, but I was much happier with what I did on that one. And it's not my strong suit, but I still enjoyed it. The sense of, I was so proud of how it was going.

It was an amazing, the room was brilliant. Considering we had to switch venues, the Olympia were fucking brilliant. It looked stunning. It's also a culmination of everything that we've done, isn't it? Our part is not just about us. It's about raising up these brilliant comedians.

I mean, not Sloss, he's already fucking doing bits, but like all of our mates are there thriving and shining. It's phenomenal. You don't need to be on camera at the back all the time. Maybe even at the gig that I'm enjoying, like my best gig of the year, 10 minutes before I go on, I'm not like back in the backstage going, this is great, you're just concentrated. But I was fine, I'm not like back in the backstage going, this is great. You're just concentrated.

But I was fine. I was fine and I loved it. And I'm so glad that everyone loved it as well. Patreon.com slash have a weird pod. Go and join the biggest patron in the UK and the 15th biggest on the planet. And you will not regret it. People don't tend to leave once they sign up. That's not a threat. And thank you, Dan. There you go. That was the wrong orange button.

We finally got some. How do I play as a man without touching myself? What was that? Mate, you fat-handed twat. What was that? Who's put this man play on? Sorry, Adam. Oh, I did that. Awful.

I thought that was just Paul. Yeah it did sound like it. Cameroonian manager 35 says Good day lids. Eventually got a question for you. Pick a famous, attractive, celebrity couple. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie This question is from 2016.

If you got swapped into their bodies for an hour so adam is angelina and dan is brad so you both have your own mind but have their body and sound like them would you bonk after you both return to your own bodies and have the memory after you both return and and have the memory cheers love the pod so. So basically do I want to fuck Brad Pitt? Yeah, what's the other book? Surely has to be a lesbian couple. Otherwise, Dan doesn't want to fuck Brad Pitt.

This is an episode of Black Mirror, isn't it? I don't want to fuck Brad Pitt. What? In the video game. They fuck each other. Striking Vipers. Go on, talk. I haven't seen it.

So there's these two guys who it's like a virtual reality kind of game who keep going into the game with their headsets on and then they're like, go into whatever it is. It's a futuristic VR, fully immersed. You feel everything, but they're like, it's a woman and a man, isn't it? In the game. Yeah. And they, they just fuck. Well, I, but then they remember it when they get out of the game. Adam had never seen black mirror. I watched the USS Callous the S that's the best one. Adam had never seen it. And I watched the USS Colister yesterday. That's the best one. Adam had never seen it and I went, watch this one, it's the one I've just seen recently

and he went, why the fuck did you make me watch that one? Do you wanna fuck me now? USS Colister. That's the best one, because that makes you fucking angry, that one. USS Colister. The emotions you're feeling that are real. Because he's an asshole.

Yeah, it's good though, isn't it? Yeah. But I mean, if you want to experience everything and it's like, it's, you know, dipping your toe into a gay experience without it being gay, you're having sex with a woman. No, but I'm not. I'm fucking Brad Pitt. Oh, in this one. What about if you're, if you're Brad Pitt and he's Angelina, would you be fine with that? Yeah. Would you fuck me as if I was Angelina? But do I remember it as fucking Angelina? But you know it's dad.

Have they got your voice or Angelina's voice? Angelina's voice. No, they've got my Lancastrian twang. If I put it in your ass and you go, is it? Then I'll be like, fucking. No, it's Angelina, it's just with his like thoughts. What? It's dad's competition,

but it's Angelina's body and voice. No, if it's Angelina, then it's fine. I'd fuck Angelina. I just don't want to fuck Brad Pitt. It'd be nice to be Angelina for a and voice. No, if it's Angelina, then it's fine. I'd fuck Angelina. I just don't want to fuck Brad Pitt. It'd be nice to be Angelina for a bit though. Smaller tits. Oh. Heavy.

She checked for lumps. It's a good joke. She checked. Like she cut them off voluntarily. I mean, it was to stop something happening. Well, she didn't just decide to cut her tits off. I think she did. I think it was to stop something happening. It was just decided to cut it off. I think it was a good. It really is the breast cancer awareness episode. They said you've got a very, very, very high chance of getting it. And she went like, get them off. So I don't

yeah. Proactive. She didn't just decide she didn't want tits. I thought that what happened he's a ruining fucking every game of tennis I play in. It was a good joke. I thought that would happen. He's ruining every game of tennis I play in. It was a good joke. I thought you got told, hey, but S cancer is like fucking not ideal by the way. And she was like, what? Who said this? I thought she was just like, whoa. No, she got told she had a high chance.

Yeah, you get high, like you check your like history and percentage chance of getting it. Would you do that with your bollocks? Yeah. If they told you you haven't got it. chance again. Would you do that with your bollocks? Yeah. If they told you you haven't got it. Carl, do you just want rid of your bollocks? No, I did it with Wallace as well. You got it, what?

One of Wallace's bollocks has moved into his stomach when he was a puppy and he went, it's fine, it's not gonna hurt him, but there's a high chance that that one will become cancerous. And I went, get them out then. Why, like, absolutely I would do it. So if you got told you had, you haven't got a ball of cancer, but there's a high chance

you'll get it. High chance. Give me a percentage. 65. Yeah. I get rid of them. Yeah. I think I need them 50 and above. What'd you know? I like me. I like being able to come. You like, yeah, but you can't come if you're dead. Put it on a T shirt that has got to be, that has got to be on the merch. Like, no, I genuinely get them out. Yeah. Cause then you get to live your life. You get to be safe and live your life and be healthy. Yeah. Of course. You know, if you have prosthetic bolts, do you have like prosthetic comb? You have to load up silly string. It's like when you fill the ketchup bottle off that you've got in your nose. Where? A confederate in Sapporo. Why? If there's a lad who's worried about bullet cancer and he watches Have A Word to take his mind off it, this episode has been a living nightmare for him.

Joe, people go there now and send pictures of him because they're with Torn. What was his name? Torn. Yeah, like get them gone. I don't know what the question was, but I'm fucking Brad Pitt probably. Yeah. That was the question. Yeah, Brad is gorgeous. Yeah, I just don't want to shag any men. Grow up. Let's change the couples.

Blake Lively and... Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds. You love Ryan Reynolds. Thank you. I'd hate fucking him. Boring cunts. Would you be happy being Ryan Reynolds for a bit though?

You'd just go and get him in trouble. Yeah, but he's gorgeous. Yeah, and say all the words. Machine gun Kelly and Angelina Jolie. He's been fucking. Obviously, if I'm any attractive man and I can have sex with a beautiful, attractive woman consensually, think class, yes.

This is where it's going. I'm not shagging any men. Agreed. What, even in the, you know. VR? I'm not shagging any men. Why, what do you mean? What's that, no?

That's just me personally. Like I'm not against it. You want to shag men, Dan? Crack on, son. Just. Game on. Game on. Just not in real life.

It's just all too real. But get me in the, you know, get me plugged in. I'll get plugged in. Mental. It's crazy. Would you shag a man? Like would you, if Adam was the woman? I honestly can't follow this.

Adam is, who's your woman? Pixie lot with tats. Oh God. Is it still that? Good God. Yeah. Yeah. Adam's, but it's Adam. Like you know, he's got Adam's thoughts. Yeah, but he'd ruin it wouldn't he? How?

He'd say things. He wouldn't just let... In her voice though? He wouldn't. Yeah, but he's still gonna fucking up the reds. They're gonna win the league. He'd say something and I'd be like, oh, it's Adam, innit? I won't do that. Can I play with your pussy? Two minutes? Two that. Can I play with your pussy? Two minutes? Two seconds? Can I play with your pussy?

Don't ask. I mean, don't take either, you know. Should ask. I always ask. Play the game. When I'm about to play with Adam's pussy, I really like consent. Have you not moved on from your woman?

What? Because that was your woman five years ago. Has the taste not changed? I don't know, it's just a visualization. Sounds good, doesn't it? Sounds got peroxide blonde hair, very beautiful with a few tattoos. Yeah, I mean my algorithm will tell you what I like. You just stick on the FYP on Insta and it's like, this is what you like.

Hench women. Oh yeah. I forgot you were into that. Oh, Adam was hench as well. Units. What if it was Joe, what is it? Joe the... Huh? Joe the Marsh? Joe the Marsh. Joan of Arc. I thought it was Joan of Arc. One of you is Joe, um, Jodie, what is it? Jodie, huh?

Jodie Marsh? Jodie Marsh. Jonah Bach. I've always Jonah Bach. Oh, she was a strong woman. Jonah Bach. Right, next question. That one went on too long.

Sam Jackson says, this is standup related. Wag wag lids. Do you or any comedians you know, have any superstitions or things you do before you get on stage? No, but there's people you used to be like this. Yeah, could you not delete questions? I think that was a question. So you used to like we must have told the story before but I had Years ago that you didn't like getting paid before you went on and you gigged with Andrew Maxwell.

Yeah, I told that. Yeah, I told the story. When he was on. No, I was one of the... I think comics do things because they see all the comics do it. And I... It was very early on in my career and I hadn't decided if that was a superstition. You know when you... Comics are like, oh, you can't pay me. And I was like... I remember being a bit like, is that wank? And then I just saw a proper comic go,

what a load of bullshit. I was like, yeah, it is bullshit. So Dan was like, I don't want to get paid for it to go on. And Andrew Maxwell was like, give me me fuck of money. And every time I get a laugh, I'm going to move 20 quid from this pocket into this one. And he did it. And I never, That's it.

I think the more you do stand up and the more confident you are about it, the less you'll ever have any superstitions because you realize it's not about any exterior factor. Like when people are like, oh, I couldn't eat before I do a set. You're like, fuck off. Yeah, I don't have to.

I can scram right before I go on. Surely you can go after them, but when you're new, I'm guessing there are a lot of new ones of them. Or I have to wear this jacket or something. Surely. Well, yeah, no, I don't think that's super, I used to wear the jacket on stage because I wanted it to look like I didn't give a shit.

I wanted it to look like I'm not staying long, so I've kept my jacket on. That's genuinely why I started wearing jackets on stage. Yeah, I wore a full parka for the first six months of my career. Just a zip top. I'm camping, I don't even, I wore a full parka for the first six months of my career. Just a zip-tuck. I'm camping. I don't even need to be here. Did you?

No. Fucking hell, five years. I turned up, I did the gig out of the window of my car, like, I'm just getting... I'm driving through me. Harry Redd now. I'm signing Nico Crunch out, I'm getting off to be honest, lads. Yes, Nico Crunch out. If you've got a superstition and you're a new comic, just fuck it off.

Watch, you'll see. There's nothing. Yeah, but what happens if they get like, I don't know, they fall over on stage? What? Say like, oh, I've got to wear these shoes and then they wear different shoes and they walk on stage and fall over and they're like, oh, fuck this. My superstition of not wearing fucking high heels. Don't wear roller blades. Do not wear roller blades if you're not used to them.

I've got a superstition. Don't drink cyanide just before you get on. I don't think it's going to help. I've always stuck with that. That's your superstition. That's your pre-show ritual is not doing something. Yeah, yeah. I'm sticking to it. It's worked for me. I've seen comics doing like vocal warm-ups. Yep. You know what I mean, don't you? Yes, I do.

Cool guy. In like the mirror he was doing like fucking. Oh, please. What? Who is it? Andy Watson. Does vocal warmup. Well, he used to, at the very least,

he used to do vocal warmups. And I did a hot water when it was at the crown with him. And there used to be a mirror at the top of the stairs Like before the room and he was as the audience were coming in walking past them He was doing vocal warm-ups and like suddenly have like shotguns in the middle and stuff And by the way, this is there's some great comics have weird stuff that they do and like there's a lot of comics go a bit quiet and not nervous, but look at Sean Walsh.

Yeah. I don't, I don't. Before the big show, you go very into yourself. Yeah. And you bring your juggling balls, don't you? I'm talking every, I get, I start juggling. I'm going, no, leave him alone. He's nervous. I've seen Sean Walsh, who is literally one of the best comics I've ever worked with.

And this is not a big show thing. This is just every show. It looks like he wants to fucking throw himself off the roof. He's like, Oh God, he looks like he hates going through it and then walks on and is the best comic you're going to see. If you believe Sean on his material, and I do, I think all of Sean's material comes from a place of truth. Sean's like that with going the shops for bread. Yeah. Sean hates being a liar. He hates everybody. Sean is Carl by the way. He just wants to lie down in the

dark. Yeah. I see. No, I don't like the dark. I like it on. Yeah, I see. No, I like the dark. I like some. Yeah, I see a lot of myself in show and be asked. You know, I want to, I want to prefix this by saying I don't know this to be true. And I'll tell you who told me it afterwards. Cause I don't want to grass anyone up like a rumor. Someone years ago told me, uh, we were talking about like, uh, you know how some people get like really successful and then people on the circuits that are calling them a gobshite. Yeah.

Like Peter Kay, a lot of people slag Peter Kay off, don't they? Yeah, a lot. A lot of people slag Peter Kay off and he's not the only one. And another one that I did slagged off quite a bit is Michael McIntyre. Now I've met Michael once and he was so sound to me

and he was funny and he was class. And I just, I just didn't believe after I met him, I was like, oh, I think maybe there's a bit of jealousy. So I don't know this to be true, but this is something that someone told me. Oh, it's just the t-shirt. Yeah. So it was, and also even if it is true,

I don't hate it. It's funny and queer. If it's for him, do you know what I'm about to say? Go on. So the backstage, like a junglers Christmas gig or whatever it was, and Michael had gone into the bathroom, like the comedian's bathroom, and he hadn't locked the door. So the comic I'm now talking about came in

and went straight into the toilet and was like, Oh, sorry. And he says that Michael was in the mirror, psyching himself up and he on his t-shirt, it said Michael McIntyre comedy God, but he was wearing it inside out so that it read right in the mirror. I think that's so impossible to make up. Really? Yeah. So specific. Yeah, but I can understand why comedians

want to tell that story. And where do you Chinese whisper that along the line? Like, what can you add? Like, has the t-shirt been added? I think the reverse thing maybe. Red, wrong in the mirror, so someone's gone. Yeah, they're inside though. But here's the thing with it.

Comics and pencil. Here's the thing with it, right. Here's why I'm like, first of all, I don't hate that. If that's what his ritual was and he was like, he's going into battle and he's like, I'm gonna, and look, whatever he's done, it has fucking worked. He's become one of the biggest comedians, biggest in terms of tickets. I think Michael McIntyre, look, whatever he's done, it has fucking worked. He's become one of the biggest comedians, biggest in terms of tickets.

I think Michael McIntyre, as much as he's, he's never someone we talk about as like, are there like our favorite comics. When I put a Michael McIntyre special on sometimes as like background noise, I end up watching it and I laugh more than when I'm watching Chappelle. Like I appreciate what Chappelle's doing more as like a artist and stuff, but like I laugh

more. We talked about this the other day because I've been watching a bit of Brian Regan. McIntyre makes you laugh. Yeah. And if that's what he needed to get himself to that level, I don't even think it's a slag off, right? He was doing it in private as well? Huh?

He was doing it in private in the toilet? He was doing it in private in the toilet? Like it was just his little thing. But here's why I'm like, that could be true. Right? The person who told me that wasn't like, Oh, I had someone else seen this. They were like, I walked into the toilet. There's no whispers. There's no, he told me that I walked into the toilet and this is what was happening. I think it's true. I want it to be true. I think it's true. And it's funny and stupid. And he doesn't give you, he wouldn't give a fuck. I

fucking love to get them on Monday and ask him. I don't think he care. I think it's true. I want it to be true. I think it's true. And it's funny and stupid and he doesn't give you a fucking love to get them on Monday and ask him. I don't think he care. I think he got, yeah, fucking shit. I think he'd, do you think he's done that as a, as a joke though, to wind up so that some, cause he's left the door unlocked that someone could come in and cause he did that thing where when Jim Jeffries got punched, he was backstage, wasn't he? And he had, if that's what he was doing by the way, it's a genius. He's beyond. Yeah. Because I'm not sure. I can't remember if Jim Jeffries told it when he was on,

but he had the, he saw Jim Jeffries get punched then switched the screen over. We did this when Jim was on, yeah. He was at the Manchester Comedy Store. He watched Jim Jeffries get punched on stage. He turned the telly off in the dressing room. Jim come into the dressing room and McIntyre had a newspaper out

as if he hadn't been watching. Anyway, how's the gig go Jim? Jim was like, someone just punched me in the face and he said no one can follow me. I'd fucking love to get my whole McIntyre in the car. I know that's an obvious one, like would you get him on? Fuck me, that'd be good. Yeah. Well, let's get Russell Howard on for now, eh? See you in a bit. What's happening lads, time to tell you about our absolute og favorite sponsor Manscaped calm with the promo code word 20 you get 20% off and free worldwide shipping now

It's the new year, isn't it? New year new you and new you means new bollock here Okay, cut your bollock hair shave it down a bit, especially your mons pubes as well. And on top of that, due to the packages they now offer at manscaped.com with the promo code word 20 for 20% off of free worldwide shipping, it's not just bollocks anymore. Did you do your face as well and your nose and your ears made, don't they, Don?

The Beard Hedger Pro Kit. Now listen, my pubes are impeccable because of Manscaped, but the Beard Hedger Pro Kit, it's great. I don't go and get a fancy beard cut from someone else charging god knows what. I do it myself and it's unbelievable. Sort your face game out as well as your pubes game. So there's the Beard Hedger Pro Kit, there's the Chairman Pro Package, there's the Ultra Smooth Pack package, there's the Perfect Package 5.0 Ultra, there's the Performance Package 5.0 Ultra, and there's the Platinum Package 5.0 Ultra. Also, you could buy products individually, and it's not just the shavers, there's underwear, there's ball deodorant, there's ball toner, there's all sorts to suit your budget and whatever you need.

You should have been bought it for Christmas. If you haven't, why don't you treat yourself in the new year? Treat yourself and also Valentine's Day is coming up. If you're a lazy watching this and you're thinking, you know what, I would suck my fella off more if only his pubes were in a much better state. Well, give him this and write that in a card. And maybe your wife's got a beard

and you want her to shave it. So many options. Absolutely. There you go. Manscaped.com promo codes word 20, 20% off free shipping from everywhere from Coventry's and Mozambique. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe. Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations. Whatever your vibe, Peloton has thousands of classes

built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. And Peloton has everything you need. Whenever you need it. Find your push.

Find your power. Peloton, visit Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Hey, welcome back to part three of four of this week's episode. And we are honored to be joined in the studio by Russell Howey. Hey. Thank you very much for being here, sir.

Thanks for having me. It's massive. You're right, Russell. Why would I not? Why would I not come to a massive podcast? Thank you very much for coming in. We were talking just before. Not to climb straight up inside your butthole just at the start of the episode, but like we like as well as me and Dan both being comics, we're all huge fans of comedy and stand up and TV comedy in general.

And we were talking before about how many comics you introduced us to via Russell Howard's Good News. Like in all sorts of forms of years and coming up like sort of early 20s and like sort of late teens, the amount of people on, was it like the sort of early 20s and like sort of late teens, the amount of people on, was it like the extra show where like you had like a stand up guest? So on a Saturday night you could do like 15 minutes on the end of our show and yeah I think like A-caster, Romesh, Phil Kay. Phil Kay was my favorite because Phil Kay is a massive fan of his

and I had to fight quite hard to get him on the show because you had to like send a script. And then, you know, like lawyers would check the jokes and they kept saying like, he's not, he hasn't sent a script. And I said, it'd be fine. It'd be fine. And he rocked up on the day with a load of fucking leaves in his hands. And even I was like, oh man, like that. And he just went on stage and started throwing the leaves about and kind of started improvising about it.

And you could just see the audience just losing their shit because they hadn't seen somebody be that kind of like vibrant and weird on stage. And I was sort of sat there like this genius that knew he was going to be great. But when he had twigs in his hands, it was a real moment. Do you know what I mean?

You're like, are you sure? If you see a comedian with mud under his fingernails, normally you're like, Oh Jesus, it ain't going to go great, but it was really funny. Do you know the one I think I've watched the most and I know you love these guys and it goes back to sort of early podcasting as well. Do you remember when you had Ed Gamble and and peacock on as like a double act? Yeah, I fucked that. That's the one mistake. So I basically, because Ian used to do the warmup, we had this sort of pantomime thing where I said, don't laugh at anything Ian does, but only laugh at Ed. And then, you know, because we were mates, it was really

funny in the room, but then on telly it looks schizophrenic. I don't think that fucked it at all. Don't think so. The next week was fairly fucking awkward when I have to say to Ian, just get them up for me. I've got the one fucking time I felt, I felt terrible. I felt really bad, but you think it worked. I love it. That's the one I remember the most. That's what sticks me the most is probably because it felt like something was going wrong and there's something really exciting when you go, this is, this is happening. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I think that's the exciting thing about it. It's a double act. How many double acts do you see now? Especially like on telly. You

never get the magic live, those magic moments live that all comics know and real comedy fans have seen where it's definitely off script and something's happening. It's so rarely captured in specials. Who was the really dead pine balls one? Oh Henry Packer. Oh Packer's amazing. Packer's one of the greats but just kind of has that, just not that interested. Do you know what I mean? I think he wrote for Michael for a while. I think he does like cartoon books now. And you know-

I seen him at Hot Water Comedy Club, right? And there was, so they used to do this thing at Hot Water every Wednesday. I think it's still called this now, right? But when they launched their Wednesday night, it was called As as seen on TV. So they had four comics, it were like CIRC, comics doing new stuff,

they were unpaid, but they were trying to get like pro comics to do new stuff. And then they would pay a headliner to do a minimum of 30 up to 45 minutes, whatever they wanted to do, it was 30 every week. And the only thing is to headline it and get, I think it was like 200 quid, but it was a

Wednesday night. The real was you have to have been on TV. And in their head they were like, and look, they're the most successful comedy club on the planet right now, but they were like, well, that will sell us tickets. And they had Henry on and his one credit on all the promo is Russell Howard's Good News. And there was maybe 70 people in the room and it holds like 250. But he goes on and he's doing well and it's funny. And these two old fellows turned up like about 15 minutes in to his 30 minute set and just sat right at the back in a room with like 70 people all packed to the front there right at the back. And he just improvised

that they were like two big American like super agents who decided we'll go and see Henry and give him his big brick and he walked into this room and it was genuinely magic. I can't believe how good he was. And yet he's, I think that's his only TV thing was your show. Yeah. It's weird, isn't it? But I know what you mean, Dan. It's those, what's odd as well is when you try and capture those moments, they always look a bit naff. I know the world is full of like crowd work stuff. Also, how fucking ridiculous is that? It's not work, is it? Do you know what I mean? It's called it, when we were kids, it was called banter.

It was called riffing. And now it's work. It's not work to ask someone what they do. And then imply that their mom's a whore. That's not work. It's not work to ask someone what they do and then imply that their mum's a whore. That's not work. There's no job in the world where you're allowed to do that. It's paid some bills my end for a while. Sure. But by your own admission, like you weren't sat down with a notepad before you went on, ask a question. Do you know what I mean? Who's got a mum? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's not the hard bit of it. You know, the hard bit is writing the jokes.

So we can't expect a Russell Howard crowd work special. He's not a mum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's not the hard bit of it. You know, the hard bit is writing the jokes. So we can't expect a Russell Howard crowd work special. I did it on the end, but it's just called, I think it's called, what did I call it? Off the Cuff. Yeah, so it's just like 20 minutes of just sort of fanning about. But I kind of, like I used to do loads when I was a kid,

but the older I got was standup. I liked standup so much. I like ideas. I like trying to formulate things. I don't really like, and when you watch it back, when you riff, it's never quite as good as a polished bit. Do you know what I mean? For me, anyway. When I was first getting into it, I was bedazzled by the magic tricks. Of course. When I watched Ross Noble for the first time and we've talked about the,

this was the first show that you two went to see together. It's all like, wow, how is this happening? And the older I get, I'm much more impressed by really well-written routines, performed properly, not when they're brand new, when they've been really like bedded in and worked out. That's because you were a natural improvising. Do you know what I mean?

Like, but it came to you because we kind of came up around a similar time and it was that thing of it was like we were both kind of able to just have a little riff, have a little something and then, but it would always be better if we'd done that six times. Oh, and I, you know what I mean? A camera's not forgiven as well though. Like in the room, if you slayed a word, but you still get to laugh, you forget you've slayed the word. As soon as it's on camera and you watch it back and you're saying like, Philly instead of silly,

you're like, oh, I can't possibly put that on the internet. Cause everyone's gonna call me Sam Thighengale for the rest of my life. I did that once. I was doing fucking, when I was really young, I was on the Paul O'Grady show and Ross Kemp was guest hosting. And I said, hi.

Sorry. Listen to that. Sorry, wait. What did I say? That is Lorraine levels of bullshit. young, I was on the Paul O'Grady show and Ross Kemp was guest hosting and I said, sorry, that is Lorraine levels of bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. It's a miss. And I was, I was next to Cilla Black and I said, this is not real. I said hyperbole instead of hyperbole and Silla was like, I mean, I think you mean hyperbole. And I went, huh? And it just that moment, like knowing that all my aunties and my nan was watching me just go, he's a fucking idiot. So yeah, it was weird. But and Ross Kemp, he kept telling me that he was like, this is unusual for me. Do you want me to, I remember there's a bit where, and I might've made this up, but he looked at me when I just like swearing and stuff. In that desperate attempt to kind of like be friends with like, I believe that.

I would only put Ross Kemp to replace Paul O'Grady if he was going to do it as like with Wig. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That, yes, then I'm into it. That would have been amazing. That would have been the way of opening that show. And he's fully dressed up and it's just him going, oh, and then it hits. But if the bit doesn't work, that's a long afternoon's record.

Has that been done? Has that ever been done? A reluctant drag act. Do you know what I mean? Normally they're full of sort of, you know, they're bombastic, they're in control. But if someone's like, this is a mistake, do you know what I mean? My balls are out.

Like if, like they were, oh, that'd be fucking funny. I think maybe Martin Lawrence in Big Mama's House. I reckon when he was pitched out, he might've been like, I'm not into this. And they're like, Martin, it's this film. Or you're back to comedy clubs, mate. I think he might've been slightly reluctant initially. I would love, right? I think he might've been slightly reluctant initially. I would love, right?

I think about this all the time. I used to think about this with like car shares. You know, when you get like a car share of comics going to a gig and you all come up at a service station and you all walk in together and it's like this island of misfit toys have all got out the same car. The odds, if you consider,

forget you're in show business for a minute, but if you consider the lives and where you all started and how you've lived your lives of Ross Kemp, you and Cilla Black, all having the same reason to be in the same room. It's absolutely incredible. Well, and I remember having that James Corden did a world cup show and the guests, I was the guest on one of the episodes and it was Peter Jones from Dragon's Den, me and Shakira. It was like, you know, it's just that thing where you go, who put us together?

And it became apparent that Peter and Shakira not really into football. She got to be. And... Why were they booked for a week? She was booked for the Wacka Wacka song. She did the song and he was just on telly at the time. And yeah, it was just me chatting about football, just boring the shit out of the two of them. Oh, Shakira.

I had that like Tyson Fury came on my show and he was like, do you know JLo? I was like, no. What the fuck am I here for? I was like, what to talk about your life? I don't what? He was like, somebody told me you do JLo. Give me a phone. I was like, so I kind of get my phone out.

And he's like, there's nobody famous. Who the fuck like that? And he's fucking Greg. It's my mate, Greg. Does he know JLo? No one knows JLo, you fucking maniac. He agreed to do your show because he thought you might know JLo. Somehow he thought that I was his gateway to Jennifer Lopez. But that thing, you've never been aware of someone being six foot seven until you're going I don't I don't know. I'm on speaking terms with Shakira. But fuck man it's that

you must find that when you find yourself like every so often just drifting into these strange worlds where you're like, just had a, like I was on holiday. This is the, one of the craziest things that ever happened to me. I was in Australia, um, with my wife and my son. My son had kicked a ball for the first time that day. It was really special. And we saw this guy walking just outside of our kind of porch in Bondi.

And I said to my wife, I was like, that's fucking Klopp. It was Jürgen Klopp, 20 meters away from our place in Bondi. So I fucking gun it, no shoes on straight out. And it was Klopp. He was going for a walk with his missus. And I was like, and I kind of got sideways on, you know, when you kind of like someone's pissed you off in the motorway and you sort of have to get to the same before you, you sort of like toughen up to go, yes, a little old lady. Fuck you. If it's a big man, leave him. But I said, Mr. Klopp, I'm a huge fan. He sort of spanned around and we sort of spoke about football for five minutes. And then he kind of waved at my son and wife. He was the greatest You're like, she's just kicking a ball Literally did I don't get kicked up over the first time mr. Club

It was the clock. Yeah And he you know, and he kind of hugged me I sort of thanked him for you know, all the memories fucking insane man It was fucking wild that you just like I I just met, you know, just from nowhere. I was so lucky. You know if like anyone's watching our show right now, and like there's the, there might be 1% of people out there who like don't know Russell Howard. They don't know who you are.

They're gonna think you're on LSD. If they listen to the last three stories you've given us. Yeah, I was talking to Cilla Black and Ross Comer about this thing. And then it was another time I was there with Shakira and Peter Jones and Tyson Fiore. But you know, but you know, those, those just surreal moments where you just, you know, you feel like kind of a bit bad because you're like, what the fuck has happened that has led to me? We had one with Kevin Nolan.

Yeah, exactly. That was a mad one. Well, me and Carl, Kevin Nolan, the Bolton, former Bolton player. Yeah. So, uh, me and Carl, when we were, uh, I was just trying to make sure we, we, we, uh, whenever we were drunk and we were in clubs, you call out for Kevin Nolan. He's your Batman. We do the Kevin Nolan dancing with women. That was a celebration. Yeah, yeah, I know. Yeah. And so we sort of, for some weird reason, ended up like idolizing Bolton and Newcastle midfielder Kevin Nolan for no reason. JJ Acotcha was furious. You can't do a chicken dance.

But we were, we were on a night out on a Monday night in an old Liverpool nightclub called Cube where the drinks, it was 25 P for the vodka Red Bull. You get two quad vods for two pounds. And you would go to another world. And it was a Monday night and we looked into the corner. Did you have mud under your finger? Into the corner and Andy Carroll were there on a night out. And then I said to Carl, I had Andy Carroll was on a tag and his sponsor to make sure he doesn't like misbehave is Kevin Nolan. Cause they, he just left Newcastle to come to Liverpool.

And I went imagine if Kevin Nolan turns up now, cause he's got to look after Andy Carroll. And 15 minutes later, Kevin Nolan turned up. And like we thought we were in like a fever dream cause we'd been chicken dancing for like two years at this point. And then on a Monday night, we were getting 25 feet Vodka Red Bulls. He's just in the corner babysitting Andy Carroll.

So does he change his animal? Does he go from like chicken to fox? Just to kind of like, you have to herd him back. He was a Newcastle player and he was, and it was his job to look after Carroll. So Liverpool had just beat Newcastle 5-0, I remember. Right. They're best mates, aren't they? Yeah, they're best mates. So was he still playing though, or was he there?

Yeah, yeah, he was still playing, yeah. Wow. But he'd come down to basically going, I'm gonna go on a night out, he's like, well, I've gotta be there then. Right. Yeah. Flipping his hand, that's interesting.

Because he was a bit of a... I'd love to have been in the room when Tyson Shorty's agent was convincing him to do your show, by the way. Why would I do that? He knows J Lo, all right, I'll do it. by the way. Why would I do that? He knows JLo. All right, I'll do it. It's done. Yeah, but it was such a bizarre moment.

Who's the weird one you've met then, Dan? Come on, as we're all doing stories. Who's strange moment? I feel like we have, we used to do a feature called Celebrity and Coms is didn't we? Yeah. Yeah. It's funny when you're in stand up because you get so used

to being in and around comics and you learn that callous of like, yeah, they're just another comic on the bill. Yeah. It's a, I remember being in a dressing room with you. Oh really? And that felt like a dig. I remember being in a dressing room and someone broke the code of being cool around the famous comic and we were all sat around and it was the headliner who was older than us. I think you'd come down to see Oliver Compaire maybe. It was in Bath.

The comedian, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we were all just sat around and everyone's just playing it cool. At this point you are household name, we're all circuit comics. And there's a real like, yeah, I came up with you. And we go, why you brag? Yeah, yeah. And everyone's probably gigged with each other before. And the conversation is really chilled and really sound.

And that's the rule, if you're a comic in a dressing room, don't be a gimp to the famous comic that's on. Just for that little moment, it's cool. And there was a pause and he went, this is the headline. He went, Russell, am I all right to get a selfie? And you were so nice about it. But there was this unbelievable few seconds where we all went, ooh.

And it's a small dressing room, that one and all. Do you know what I mean? It's kind of an awkward little, it's a nice gig, but yeah. Yeah. But when it's like that. I don't think I've got as many batshit, like on a night out sort of, I haven't got a celebrity that's taken me back. We've had a drink with Fat Man Scoop as well.

Oh, hello. In ink, rest in peace. Rest in peace indeed. Have we? Have you forgot that? How have you forgotten Fat Man Scoop? Oh, hello. In ink. Rest in peace. Rest in peace indeed. Have we? Have you forgot that? How have you forgotten Fat Man Scoop? We had a drink with Fat Man Scoop.

You had a quick beer with Fat Man Scoop and like the back bit of vink, oh it was igloo before he went on to do a gig. I think, do you know, I think I've been in igloo. Is that like a nightclub? Yeah. Yeah. I think I was there on my mate's stag do. I'm pretty sure. And it's got like very small seats, low to the floor. Yeah. Yeah. I think I was there on my mate's stag do. Um, I'm pretty sure. And it's got like

very small seats, low to the floor. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they're fucking hard to get out of. So they're just kind of like, you just see everyone just go, ah, let me stay here. Fat man scoop was there. Yeah. I bet he took a while to get out of him. He was still there when you were there. I had my 21st birthday there and I said they had like a little VIP bit upstairs and I was like... On your 21st? Yeah. Fucking hell. This is my proudest moment by the way. So there was like maybe like 50 people and I had booked the thing out for me 21st. I also used to work there so they'd like done it for free and like give me some drinks and stuff. Yeah, yeah, nice. And do you remember the Liverpool midfielder, Suso, who went on to play for Sevilla?

Hopefully he's in Milan, he's a big, good player. Yeah. Left foot. He turned up and was like, well, I'm Suso, so obviously I'm going into VIP. Did he say it like that? Kai. Saw me.

Kai, sorry, I went, I went, hey mate, who are you? And he went, Suso. And I went, I couldn't give a fuck. Carl's an Everton fan, so he kicked him out. Right. And he was, I told him, let's an hour later, and he was furious.

Fucking hell. He's like, you can't be kicking a Liverpool player's on me 21st birthday, maybe he's coming to give me a card or something. Could have been Bezos with Suso. A card? Just go and take a picture with him. I got a picture with him.

He's in Spain, Italy, think of the holidays. I still had the balls, by the way, after that, to go into the general area of it, and ask him for a picture. And then not let him back. I wasn't talking to him. Nothing I can do, mate. He's grumpy. Like a fucking Dubai prince just wandering down.

You're a Liverpool fan, aren't you? I am, yeah. Are you in, do you get to Anfield a lot? Are you in Liverpool a lot? I should be, but, yeah, I've got a season ticket there. And yeah, I used to go loads, but I haven't, I haven't been once this year. So my brother's been loads and pals of mine,

but yeah, I haven't been since slot took over. So I'm now worried to go this season in case when I go, it'll be a lot of shit. You're banned actually. Yeah, totally, yeah. And I would absolutely- What game did I take you to? I lost them the league last year. Palace.

They were flying all of a sudden. He's been asking me for five years. What game did you take us to? When Palace turned up and beat you 1-0, and I was like, that game was good. Yeah, fucking hell. Absolute case of death. Shouldn't have put it on Instagram stories

because I got fucking murdered for it. And you'd never been to a game? Are you into football? Yeah, I am into football. I've been to Anfield, but like back in, like I think I was- 70s, wasn't it? It was, 1870s. I just been formed. Who do you support? I imagine you're quite a good player. I imagine you saw that. Yeah. No, no, no. Okay. You know, I am a Watford fan. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I got into football. I used to work a Watford fan. Oh yeah? Yeah, yeah. My wife used to work at Watford General, which is overlooking the Vicarage.

Is that the Vicarage? Vicarage Road. Yeah. So I just, we picked a team just to be awkward. It was my mate's granddad's team basically. And then we wanted to follow a team. So it just felt like we were being cool. It was awkward.

But then his dad took us to a few games. So we used to go instead of going to, we've been to Vicarage Road like four or five times, but we just went to all the away games that they were playing in the Northwest. And I loved it and it stuck. I like it. I mean, we've won no Champions Leagues. No, but you've won, it's that amazing, where I think Troy Deany scores the winner. Yes. You got that. That's one of the great games. Oh, you got that.

That's one of the best ones ever. And I think I'd swap all six of our Champions Leagues for Elton John to be our owner. Are you fucking mental? I know this is a massive, massive podcast and it's a joy to be here, but let's not talk silly. Fuck that. Elton John, Jesus.

When he bought the club, he was so involved. He was like, he used to sit on the bench. Look how that fucking worked out. You won nothing. He'd do a job on the pitch. I'd have him in centre mid, mate. Fuck him. Why have you been distracted by Carl? I'm just trying to find funny things to keep the, you know. So, Jesus Christ, that's very telling isn't it? a little peek behind the curtain. Just looking at my job. We haven't mentioned this for a while in the last few episodes. We went through a bit of a phase.

So Harry, our wonderful researcher, is sat at the back. One of his roles in the podcast is in case like an episode we get someone on and the episode needs a bit of like, oh, we'll take it in this direction. He provides us with a research document. Fuck. So is this going badly? No'm waiting for the next thread. Absolutely not at all. What's happened here is your research sheet is so littered with funny like little sentences in the way. Like for example, he has played games with Jack Black in brackets on telly. What did you play with Jack Black?

Um, I think, uh, whatever that kind of like, yeah, it's like a sort of yes. Yeah, exactly. Just, just that apparently he's mad into them. So we did this, um, it's like a little robot punching and you've got to put up a cut to win. That comes on. Yeah. And it's kind of like, it was sort of like an eighties kind of remember. Do you remember like, um, super cup football? It's a bit like that. It's a cold game for Americans. Can I ask you then how much time did you get to spend with Jack Black? Uh, about five hours. Just kind of, is he the best person on the planet? Like how you think he is? He's a lovely bloke, yeah. Like of all the sort of weird,

it sounds like it's me talking about people I've met, but he was great. I did, it was him and then the next day Jim Carrey. And that was a fucking experience, sort of hanging out with Jim Carrey. You hung out with Jim Carrey. Hung out with him, like similar thing, interview, but he's definitely in that thing of like, you know,

you've got to become the paintbrush man. You know, like top end, sort of like intriguing psycho babble. Do you know what I mean? And it's like, what is a chair? Are you a chair? Am I a chair? No one's a chair. And I'm like looking at like a list of...

It says here you like pistachio ice cream. Do you know what I mean? Just in that kind of... You got it wrong. I am pistachio ice cream. You know what I mean? Just in that kind of while he's got it wrong. I am pistachio ice cream. So it was like trying to fucking have a conversation with a lava lamp because he just kept like moving and spinning. But just to sort of hang out with him was fun. Turn that off. But again, you don't really know because I think, I don't know, you meet some people, I think he, you read, like if you ever watched that comedy store documentary that they had

on Sky, he used to like hang out in the, he would open up a piano and just lie in it and then stay there all day and then kind of come out at night. And when I told you I would and then leave. So he's always been like kind of sort of peculiar and and, and when I told you I would and then leave. So he's always been like kind of sort of peculiar and weird. So I think that's it. He sounds like a bad pint. Yeah. Yeah. He sounds like fuck me. Now that is a chat show. Bad point. You just have one pint and it's really awkward with loads of strange people. Like week on Bad Pint, it's just you and Farage and you're like, there's going to be no connection, is there? There absolutely isn't.

As much as I hate him. He's a good pint, probably. I think he might be a good pint. Who's this? Like Farage. I think if you can get over the fact that he's a gobshite, I don't think you're going to come away going, oh, that was painful and weird. You definitely have stories, eh? And I bet you he kind of drinks like, you know, you see a squirrel, he's sort of like, because he must be so used to ashtrays coming towards him.

But he's kind of in that kind of, you know, just fucking like someone on their way to their first boxing training session. This is what they do. And they're just analyzing it. Yeah. You know, like they do those things of like Javi and he's always looking there, they just see Farage sort of in the pub like that. Also, he might be a good pint, but I think he might be a bad six pints. I reckon once you get him to six pints and he starts spouting.

No, I reckon he'll move over. I reckon he'll come more to the left. I reckon he'll start shifting and stay in mad shit the other way. Oh, you reckon it's a character? You think the more drunk Nigel Farage gets, the more progressive his views are. That's such a, if you don't mind me saying, that's such a scouse approach.

I can drink the good into it. He's all right. He just needs a fucking pint. He just needs a few, just get a few down. You'll start slowly shifting. Yeah. It's an interesting experiment in it. Like if you kind of like, if you laced his, what's the ayahuasca, if you put a bit of ayahuasca in him and then he was shitting out his demons. You ever done anything like that? No, I love the idea of it. I've done all the, I've done all the research. I've kind of asked people that have done it and then just also now having a son, I just, you know what I mean? It's kind of, and I'm already, you know, sort of famous. So if's kind of, and I'm already, you know, sort of famous. So if I kind of, if I'm wandering around wearing a cape with my cock out, that's

a, yeah, he's like dad. Will you like go to the forest and do it? Yeah, I think I'd sort of back my stamina to get out of the forest and like, like fuck a car or something. Do you know what I, ah, do you know what I mean? It's like, I just want to save the environment, you know. Do you know genuinely the reason I haven't done anything like that, cause I love the idea of it. Of course.

I don't know anyone who's done it and then become more fun. Like they've become more enlightened, don't they? They become more like all this and whatever. But I've never, no one's ever done it. And then I'm like, right, I now want to spend more time with you. See, that's the thing, isn't it? Because like it's, it's an illness being a comedian and there's times where it's not

fun, but would you give up the mania that lingers in your brain? You don't want to fix the illness. This is it. You might take away the funny. Yeah. Well, this is it. You might take away the funny. Yeah, well, this is it. I had like a friend of my wife's, got ADHD and did that diagnosis. And my wife was like, you should probably do that.

And I did it. And it's so funny to me, like comedians talking about having ADHD because it's just a bit like, yeah. Should be given. But yeah, but it's a bit like a footballer going, I've got muscles in my legs. Your brain doesn't work in a typical way. And I saw, I was intrigued and I kind of like, okay, I'll do it. And I did the test and they were like, you know, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You've got it. And they kind of gave me these tablets. They gave me these tablets.

And I, oh, you actually went, you went, yeah. Sort of like out of like kind of like, like the end of COVID boredom really just sat and do so. Okay. And, but thinking, okay, if I fix that, I'll be even better at the thing I love. And I did a gig and I couldn't access myself. And I was like, literally, I took them for two days. I was like, fuck that. I just, because- How was your day to day outside of the performative and the creative?

Like how is it? No, no, but I mean, when you took them, do you like, God, I feel really level and I'm getting stuff done. I can't even remember. All I can remember is that the gigs were shit. And it was just that thing of going, ah, I'll have a slightly scruffy house. Do you know what I mean?

And I'll leave things, but I just, it's that thing of fixing. I don't know, fixing imperfection seems a bit much sometimes. Do you know what I mean? Like you said, it's that thing with Ayahuasca. It's like maybe when you're 60 and you've done all you wanna do, you know, it feels an intriguing thing. Oh yeah, I'm gonna be tripping at the care home.

That's sort of booked me in for that. Of course. You're not allowed to wander off. It'll be great. No, exactly. He's got his cock out in a dressing gown. Yeah. Every Wednesday.

Also, the great thing is, even if you can't move in your body, you can move in your mind. So you'll be kind of sat there in a wheelchair and you're like kind of like, well jokes on you, I'm on a unicorn. You're kind of going everywhere. Sign me up. I also love the idea that the man with his cockhouse in his dressing gown, by the way, every Wednesday, so he's conscious enough to know not to do it on Tuesday. It's Cockat Wednesday.

Yeah exactly, Cockat Wednesday. Bingo Thursday. Oh have they said 60 because that's not a million miles away. You're not doing it at 60. No. He's nearly 60. How old are you? Me and Russell are the same age you fucker.

I'm 44 man. You're older than him. I'm younger. Not in the right way. I get honestly really... We were young guns. Nearly 60. We were young guns. We used to do Lincoln University. We were compares. It was the greatest. That was the Lincoln University was when you went through a break. I'm not being, I'm being a bit of a dick. Was that the one where you'd just been through

a breakup and you started doing press ups in the toilet. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck, it's amazing the stories that get round. Fuck. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I did. Yeah. That instant like, no, I'm fine. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's it.

And like Cochrane started calling me bench press after that. Because he thought, yeah, it was weird, eh? It's just so bad. If you ask me anything about the gig at Lincoln Uni. That's all you remember. I haven't got any memories of it and I wasn't even at that gig. I'm like, that's what Russell was doing. Press ups. You said, what's the chocolate milk gang? The chocolate milk gang? Cause I know Coughlin

was in there. Yeah. It was, it was a name. I think Jason Burn gave it to, it was like all the comics that were, that weren't big drinkers in Edinburgh around like the noughties, the beginning, I think it's like Kitson, John Oliver, Joe C. David of the Oggity. Dave, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was like, yeah, picture, I guess it was all the sort of non-drinkers. We used to go to Favret and, but ultimately it was just, you know. You weren't getting blotted in the... Wasn't getting, I never, I only started drinking when I was a drunk at university.

And then I kind of really went for it sort of stand up wise. And because I was obsessed with Ross Noble and Kitson, it was like, to be a good comedian, you don't drink. And then I lived with John Richardson and he he spoke about alcohol in such a beguiling way. He would literally like a fucking sorting hat after his meal. He's like, which one of you am I going to? And he would like select it with such care that he basically, he would sort of, do you want some of this? And he kind of like

gently drifted me towards booze. Yeah, but he didn't like going out, did he? He just like getting plastered like with really good booze. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was like in a controlled way. Yeah. It's very interesting. Like, but so that was it, really, which is never a big drinker now. Not a big drinker, but I'm like, I like, I don't drink at home, but I like going out. Yeah. And if I go out, I'll get drunk. So if I'm with

mates from uni or my cousins, you know, I love that. You know, it's one of my favourite things. Like going out with my cousins, we didn't get to do it this Christmas, but we're gonna do one halfway through January. But yeah, I love it. Like we call it the great swig. And like hanging out with my cousins around Christmas is one of my favourite things.

Cause they're like proper Bristolian fucking lunatics and that. I remember telling one of them a story. I got offered some money to, and this is fucking insane, to tweet happy birthday to Heathrow Airport. And it was like a lot of money. And I told him how much it was, and my cousin nearly beat the fuck out of me.

And she's like, why didn't you do it? I'd have fucked the airport for that. And I was like trying to go, well, you know, sort of artistic integrity. And she's like, just say happy birthday, you fit cunt. It's a fucking airport. But it's nice to sort of spend time with like actually normal people because everyone, all the comics that I'd spoken about, like I was offered this money to tweet happy birthday

to here for airport. Like, oh, good on you. You know, that's correct. Nobody can buy you. And then real people were like, you fucking idiot. Do you know the life changing? You know, that's correct. Nobody can buy you. And then real people were like, you fucking idiot. Do you know the life changer? You know, so I'd have to use it. Would you like to know? It just didn't pass the red face test. It just felt like, I mean, listen, I got a kid now and a mortgage. So yeah, maybe, but I don't know. It just felt,

it felt so silly to kind of tweet happy birthday like to an airport. Yeah. But like for like a lot of Dosh, you sort of think the world's fucking mental and so you then think, God, there must be so many people existing in that ecosystem where they're kind of, you know, blowing a kiss to lush or telling John Lewis that they're Bezzy's and you think God, they're earning more money than a doctor will. Fucking nice. Do you know what I mean? I love it. I think all celebrities should. I am for sale by the way.

If he throw airport watching this, you let me know when your next big baby is coming up. It doesn't even have to be me. I'll do it for Stansted. Blackpool Airport. Come on. Did you see John Lennon? Come on, raise your game.

You can't do it. I'll say happy birthday John Lennon. This see John Lennon? Come on, race your game. You can't do it. I'll say happy birthday, John Lennon. This week, John Lennon Airport, did a boss tweet about Neil Mopé. Cause Neil Mopé tweeted, did you see? No, what was that? Whenever I'm feeling down, I look at the Everton score and smile. We own Neil Mopé by the way.

He's still an Everton player. He's tweeting and tweeting and stuff like that. And I can't remember what John Lennon Airport said, but they slammed them back. Yeah. And it's so cool for an airport Twitter to be like, fuck you. But yeah.

Is there anyone more? If football was beefing with an airport. What is? Like. He's a cock and he's shit, but it's funny. But it's insane. But like you get the impression he's so fucking mental. He probably like calls out his wife's sister's name

when they're having sex just to see what he does. Yeah, he just thinks he's black. Do you know what I mean? Belinda. Like that. God, he's such a fucking. I love him, man. I think it's dev funny. Yeah mean? Belinda. God he's such a f***er. I love him mate, I think it's dev funny. Yeah he's just easy. He H's? Cause your fans abused him so he's like I H's? He scored one goal in like 30 games. But you still pay him? We loaned him

out I'm guessing majority is where he's just going to get paid by wherever he's at. Even if Everton is still paying him like a pound a week, the fact you're paying him anything for him to tweet stuff like that. He's made it. He's a footballer. He doesn't give a fuck does he? It's funny. But he is a cock. It's better when they do give a fuck though, isn't it? No, what I'm saying like he's tweeting stuff and being a shit house and he doesn't care. He's getting into arguments with airports.

Where does that phrase, I love it. But shit houseery, where does that come from? What is the sort of like, the lineage of the- What's the derivation of shit house? Shit houseery. The etymology of the word house. It's one of them words. Shit house. Why no shit? Yeah. Shit house rat. It just says from shit and house. It's called on Google. It says from shit and AI is really taken over. It's something from German. From the German. The shithouse. The schizohausen. Just say it like that. That isn't the shithouse. S-C-H-I-T-H-U-S. The

German language is fucking exquisite. And also it's, it's low German. So basically calling someone a shithouse in Germany is like calling them low stature. I see, I see. Do you know the phrase they have for the end in Germany? It's, I think it's Clapazoo Afatot and it's, and it's impossible to do a German accent without being slightly camp. The end is close the lid. The monkey is dead. Such a dark way of ending that. Exactly. Imagine that every film, the monkey's dead. I love it. It's a brilliant one for like the, it's called grief eating.

Fuck. It's a brilliant word. I know all about that. It's yeah, but it's there's a specific German word that is where you kind of munch on bacon after your heart's been broken. And it's, it's something like, um, I think it translates as grief eating. What's the great grief bacon? Yeah. Great. Grief bacon. What's the fucking superhero

that is? You're thinking of, Spank me daddy is, give me one clap papa. Is that right? And then when you finish the spanking, kill the monkey. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking right. If you don't clap papa, the monkey is dead. I, I, if you spend much time in Germany, it's so such an interesting place. Gigging there as well. I haven't gigged there. I've been to Berlin a couple of times. I'd like to go back. I want to go to Munich and do Oktoberfest. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of them things. It looks phenomenal. Who are you gigging to in German? Obviously Germany. And that's the end of this section. The monkey's dead. But it's the funny thing about it is you think

it's going to be sort of expats, but it's not, it's sort of like they've, they very similar kind of people that first came to watch me in the UK. It feels like that, you know, they've just found like this English comedian and they kind of like, and it's like, I don't know, you're in like an 800 seater in Berlin and they're all kind of listening to you in their second language. It's fucking incredible delay on the laugh or they get in it as they translate a slight, yeah, but there's a lot of that where they're kind of like trying to, and you don't realize. So I said, I was going to Nick account and they were like, but because they didn't think steel, they thought stamp. So then this whole kind of routine was like

completely lost because they thought halfway through it, I just stabbed a cow. So they were like, I mean, still fun. That's fine. That's good fun. But it was, um, that's really, you just end up learning so much about yourself by kind of gigging there and just wonder. I remember seeing a sign in Berlin for like luxury bondage gear. Do you know what I mean? And it was just called luxury bondage gear. That was the name of the shop. Surely all of that's luxury. Yeah.

Never necessity is it? But call it pimp my game. But do you think it, cause I was thinking, so I don't know a lot, a lot about bondage. I'm not sure if you're a fan, but it's like, why would you put diamonds on a thing that you're going to whack against somebody? Oh, that kind of luxury. Yeah. That's what I thought it meant. Like, what did you think it meant? I just thought like better made.

Oh, I see. Like really good. I see. Like if I said to you, I've got a luxury sofa, you're not thinking of a diamond sofa, are you? You're just thinking of like good leather. It could be. It's an interesting, yeah, I completely, so you're looking at the durability of the butt plug rather than the shininess.

Yeah. Buy cheap, buy twice. looking at the durability of the butt plug rather than the shininess. Yeah, buy cheap, buy twice. Russell, we have more butt plugs and dildos in this room than you've ever been near. Oh really? Yeah, we're sponsored by Lovehoney. Are you? Yeah. Which is luxury. I mean, there isn't a Rolex like sewn into a dildo or anything, but it's

still pretty nice. What, do they send you any of the kind of, what was that? The drop? Was that one of them? What a draft excluded. It will exclude. What was the, did they come to you? Did you court them? It was Sarah Keyworth, wasn't it? Remember? Sarah Keyworth was the guest and she was, we were talking about these and then we were like, that's fun. We'll order one. Yeah. I don't know if you've heard, lesbians, which was what Sarah identified as at the time,

lesbians, they love a dildo. So we went on dildos.com or whatever and ordered a dildo. For her. No, it was for us. It was a custom one. We've still got it. The red and black one. It was the podcast colors.

Right. Nice. And then Lovhoney went, oh, we sell them. And since then we've been like, they're a great sponsor. It's worked out great. Nice. Do Jeff do an experts in them. And that sounds actually being a reluctant transvestites a couple of times. Actually, I didn't know what that was. I just thought, okay, that's so it. It's empowering. Yeah, yeah. It looks it. It's art. I think we've introduced a lot of people, especially men to sex toys going, hey, they're just normal, you know.

That's it. And we go, okay, yeah. See, that should be the catchphrase. They're just normal, you know. But it feels for me... Just stick it somewhere. It'd be sound. But it feels a bit like... Let's get our sex toys, get on them. But you know when you go bowling and you put the sort of like lanes up, anyone can get a strike.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It just feels like without a sex toy, you've got the strike. Whereas with that you're like clank clank. Or you haven't got the strike. We're talking about this. Dan fucked his wife last night but she didn't come. Cool. Why are you talking about this? Yeah, good question. Not so good question because I silly mentioned something loosely around that before we recorded And Adam, he's a bro broadcaster

So he paused and started the episode with Fuckin' hell lad, what were you doing last night? It's good fun, isn't it? It's good fun It's going very well And my wife is a Patreon Of the podcast Love you darling, so sorry. But that's all right, but it's New Year's.

The monkey's dead. Yeah, you're right. Imagine that, you just hear, wah! Just this perishing gibbon. That's such a little flourish. I used to love those flurries, the perishing gibbon. Right, let's have a break and we will be back. What's happening, Lids?

Time to tell you about my absolute favourite sponsor. It's True Classic. And if you go to trueclassic.com slash word, there's some absolutely brilliant offers on at the minute on some of the best and most fashionable clothes on the market. Now, if you're trying to up your style game, okay? If you're after a t-shirt, for example, that is nice and fitted around your chest and arms and gives you a little bit more room in the belly area.

Accentuate in your good bits. You're a real man. True Classic. You need a t-shirt. Sort you out. And also, it's not just t-shirts, hoodies, jeans, more packs packs of three, six and nine. You can get all of it at trueclassic.com slash word.

Really good quality moisture wicking. I love moisture. Odour fighting. This is well made stuff for real men. Yeah. You know, I've got a little bit of gut. This is after all of mom's Christmas cooking. Absolutely. Yeah. And if you're going into the new year, looking to get back in the gym, there's active word as well. You can get everything you want to up your wardrobe

for the new year at trueclassic.com slash word. That's trueclassic.com slash W-O-R-D. Head there now, shop and elevate your wardrobe today. Hello everyone, time to tell you about my favourite sponsor. It's Manual with their testosterone replacement therapy service. Today we're going to show you how to use their at home blood test kit to find out if you've got low testosterone. If you have, they can recommend a treatment plan to help you get back to a normal, healthy level. One in four men suffer from low testosterone and 90% of men go undiagnosed.

Let's get that sorted. Remove the cap from your blood collection vial, just put it to the side, you're going to need it in a second, and twist the cap off the lancet to open it. Be a big brave boy, place the lancet on a right angle to the side of your chosen finger. You'll hear a click if you push it in firmly. Little bit of blood. You wipe away that with a tissue. And then you've got to get your blood in the vial. So just massage that finger. Now this is key. Replace the blood collection vial cap. An audible click will be heard when it's secure. Once secure, gently invert the blood collection vial 10 times. You stick your label on.

You've already securely applied your track 24 return label to the outside of the envelope. You bang it all together, discard any used and unused items responsibly. You bang it in the post, and then you get your results. For 45% off your at-home blood test kit, use code WORD45. 45% off, give it a try. Manual TRT could improve everything.

Hey. I thought of four. Russell, we love doing that little bit of accountancy. Russell, you've got a special coming out. What was the accountancy? Oh, we just like, just for the people with a bit of OCD, just let them know which section of how many we're doing. What section are we on now?

We're on four. Final quarter. You've got a special coming out. I do. January the 15th. It's quite exciting because it's the first time I've done it from my website. So I kind of paid for it. And then we're kind of selling it. And it's going to be on eight o'clock in England and then eight o'clock in New York

and then eight o'clock in Australia, which is like- So wherever you are, 8pm. And nine o'clock in Europe. Oh, well there we go. So wherever you are, 8pm. And 9 o'clock in Europe. Oh, well there we go. Russell-howard.co.uk, self-funded, self-released stand-up special and we're all about that here, as you know.

What's it called? It's called Russell Howard Live at the Palladium. I kind of... And where did you film it? Yeah, sort of, I kind of had a few, I don't know, it's weird. I had titles for it in my head and then none of them quite, you know, it's like, no one's as ever as ever. No one in the crowd is like, what's it called though? They just, they're there to see you. Yeah. Yeah. It's sort of, I often think of someone like Bill Burr. Bill Burr does a standup show. You know, it's never like,

you know, Apricots or kind of like the quest. It's just Bilbo live 2025 and you kind of go, yep, you'll go and see him. It'll be new stuff. So that's kind of the approach that I'm doing now. Cause I, I don't do TV anymore. I just do stand up and I'm a podcast, which Adam is a guest. You're more than welcome to come on. Love you to come on. And you'd be really good on um, it's fun, really good format. I really loved it. But it's yeah. So it kind of makes sense really just to do it all yourself. Yeah.

So, so this is you done with TV, you just want the control. Yeah. I just, um, I had a pretty good run and I just preferred doing standup and it's kind of, it's nice to be an actual proper, you know, I did like 300 gigs on the tour. So it was properly kicking it into shape. Like that was all over the world and just, it's just fun. I gotta stop bitching about tours. When you, when you like, we spoke to Sloss and like the people that 300, how many did you do? 44. But I did Ireland as well. Yeah, but it's, that was over like 18 months and you know, sort of one of the maddest bits, we did 35 gigs in 33 days in America and that was too much. And that was on like a tour

bus. And the idea of it was amazing. We had a driver called Cadillac Jack and he used to, he used to drive for Steve Martin and God, he was incredible. But then as a consequence you end up staying up late with Cadillac Jack, listening to the stories and then you rock up to like Minneapolis and you're knackered, you know, and the audience doesn't really care. But you're like, well, he was telling stories about going to like Saturday Night Live. So yeah, it's, yeah, it's so that's it really. And I, it's so weird. Isn't it? Cause like, I hope people love standup specials. I love making them. And it's sort of, we live in a world now where everything is about, you know, an eight second clip or a 20 second clip, but there,

and I like those as well, but there is something really satisfying about trying to make your Arizona Bay, you know, and whatever your kind of hour is. And I think that's what could, is that more dildos? I think that's what propels all of us forward is that thing of going, I think there's a, there's a great hour in me and I still haven't lost that. That's what I like the most. Do you know what I mean? And clearly you're into it. You're into it. It's that thing of putting together a show and then finishing it and then putting it out there. I think that's what I'll do.

And then starting again. Yeah. But I think that's it's like, I, I, I was almost going to call the next tour life because that's what I kind of feel like, you know, there's nothing else I would rather do, but there's something about, you know, doing, you know, doing the palladium, doing arenas, doing all these things, and then being back at Top Secret. And I don't even get to go in through the front. I have to go through the back because I'm, you know,

known it'll make it slightly awkward. So I'm literally, the smell of piss is the beginning of every tour that I'm in the car park by the bins and I've pissed in so many kind of like cups and then thrown the piss in a bin and then five minutes later you're there doing stand-up for the first time. It starts there, ends at the podium. There's something about that that is like we were saying just before we started, that is like we were saying just before we started, that it's the beginnings of stuff. And it's not even that's a bit,

it's I think there's something in that. And that's the thing that just gets you going. I bet. But I was talking to Billy Connolly about it. And it's like, when you lose that, when you lose that, fuck, I tell you what, there's something in that. Whether you've done a gig in front of 50 or 15,000, that's kind of what gets you going, you know, when you sort of happen upon something. I love it. And also there's

nothing else like TV is fun, but it's not as fun writing a book. I couldn't do cause I don't want to sit and entertain myself, but doing standup is what I love doing. No one coming in as well with that idea where you go, think there's something in that. You entertain myself, but doing standup is what I love doing, particularly travelling. No one coming in as well with that idea where you go, think there's something in that. You don't ever have anyone else go, yeah, we don't think there's anything in that. You just get to go, I'm backing myself and it's mine and I'll put it on the stage. And it's not entertainment through committee. It's just like, it's your dictatorship.

And then you have this idea and then you've got to be honest because the audience are like this brilliant jury that they let you know through laughter, whether it works or not. And you can kind of keep on going with a bit, but you've just got to be honest. Sometimes you go, that's the end of that. I was wrong. Oh, it's so hard. And when you're like, I was sure that that was a bit and you're like 12 tries in, they're not going. What's really funny is when you have a new tour and then you go back to that old bit and you're like 12 tries in, they're not going. And then what's really funny is when you have a new tour and then you go back to that old bit and you're like, right, let's see if we can get it going. But, and sometimes you can, sometimes you can't. But it's, I think that's being a comedian is basically we've got our own version of like Word or, or Sudoku. That's what jokes are that they're your own little

comedic homework that you're kind of like, there's something so funny in this that I think's funny. And visually, I thought it was hilarious. And now I have to find the right words to convince strangers of what's in my head. Yeah. And that's kind of what stand up is. And one of the most satisfying things I think ever is when you have tried it three or four times and you still are convinced it's there, but it isn't working yet. When on try five, six or seven,

it goes from not working to, ah, we sort of get what you mean. When you find the fucking vernacular, for it to fucking land. You just unlock it. And you come off and you're like, like anything could, you could come off to the worst news

and you spend the rest of that night going, but I got that fucking thing to work finally. Yeah, totally. I'm so excited to start again now. I had a couple of months there after my tour where I was a bit like, I've got nothing coming through me and I've got no source of energy to start again yet.

And it's properly come back in the past. Yeah, I tried a new bit on New Year's Eve. Fuck if you were. That's when you started to get the like, oh, and don't get me wrong, it was the worst back in the past. I tried a new bit on New Year's Eve. That's when you started to get the like, oh, and don't get me wrong, it was the worst bit of the set, but it didn't die. And I literally WhatsApp my wife going,

look a new bit, I tried a new bit. And it's that excitement. Maybe it'll never be a bit. It's funny, it's like when he was turned off by comedy. When? At the last month, you're a bit like, I'm a bit. About a month ago, yeah, I was just a bit like, it doesn't take much to like,

I've never seen him not be like in love with her. Do you know what it was? So the first two weeks of December, I did my usual Christmas run at Hot Water. And the reason I booked that in, so my tour finished, the UK tour finished May, I had some Australia day to do for the first time, so the first week of September. In my head, I was like, right, well the first two weeks of December

I'll do Hot Water for the Christmas run and I'll have a new 20 minutes by the end of that or at least like the idea of one. And I got to the end of the run and had maybe one new bit which was about like two or three minutes long and the rest I was just doing stuff that wasn't in me last tour but was quite old to sort of pad it out. And the rest, I was just doing stuff that wasn't in me last tour, but was quite old to sort of pad it out. And I just, I got to the end of that run and I was just like, that feels like a waste of two weeks. Yeah, I've earned some money and whatever,

but I was like, it just feels like I haven't really got what I was supposed to get out of that. And that felt like I'd been a bit lazy and not being arsed enough. And then I was like, oh, maybe I'm just a bit meh. But then recently I've just, like the last week or two, I've just like found a couple of things. And genuinely watching Rob Mulholland on New Year's Eve.

So one of our mates, Rob, I'm not sure you know, Rob. I don't know him, no. We ran an event on New Year's Eve and we had an hour where we had some standup in it. And Rob Mulholland, who's, you know, he's been a great take at comic for a while. And he's now got a podcast that's doing well and is starting to sell a podcast that's doing well

and is starting to sell a few tickets himself. You know, when you just watch someone do really well, really good stuff, and it was quite a bad room for comedy, even though we'd set it up, it just didn't quite, it wasn't quite the right setting for it. We were running a party that we were starting with standup, and the PA system wasn't perfect, and there was a couple of things we needed to iron out that just didn't work perfectly.

So he went onto an environment that was playable, but not perfect by any means. And he absolutely nailed it with really good interest and stuff. And I just watched them do it. And I was like, ah, yeah, that's excited me again. Yeah, but I think that's what needs to happen though, isn't it? And you just go through those phases. Also, you're competing with yourself now, you know, like the, so the more stuff you do, you kind of, you also, when you're doing the Christmas run, you don't want to be shit. Whereas previously you might have thought, ah, it's fine. It

doesn't matter. Whereas now you feel this sense of like, you have to follow yourself from last Christmas and how could you work for them. So you can't be, you just need to find those spaces where you can fail. That's the key. And you're also following club comics. They were doing that best 20 and turning it apart and then you've got to close it and you've just got to shut the ego down. So I'm just want to say you, I mean the Royal us is that's the hardest thing, isn't it? Where you just have to let those bits go and just be like, fine. And then a month later you're back. But yeah, I think I'm quite good at doing that on a Wednesday night in February. Yeah. Not in December. Like Saturday in December

following Jamie Hutchinson in the middle. I'm just like, right, the lazy ice stuff. Here we go. Oh yeah. I've been there. Jesus. What was your new bit then? What was the bit you were excited about without giving it away? I did a couple. And it was one of those bits where you think you've got a really good setup

and then you go, that's a decent setup. But it gets me to this hilarious, you know the contrast bit where you're like, on the other hand, and my contrast bit was the biggest pile of shite. I was convinced it was like, they'd go, that's pretty good. Whoa, what a payoff.

And what the crowd did was go, this is great, I'm in. And then I tried to give them the payoff and they were like, nah, that bit's rubbish. But it was enough to be like, oh, there's funny in there. And that I take that all day. I want this year to be about me turning over new stuff, getting really club fit for then to tour at the end of 26. And that's all about being on stage

and having the balls to go, just fucking say it. Just say it. And there was this pause because they'd laughed at my second bit. And no one in the crowd would be able to pick up on this. But it was just a millisecond pause where I had to go, just fucking say it, you big wuss. Like, just try the new bit.

And just to take away even a seven out of 10 reaction from it. But I often think that as well, sometimes, like by making mistakes, you can then make, we're all now funny enough to get ourselves out of it. I often think that as well, sometimes like by making mistakes, you can then make you, we're all now funny enough to get ourselves out of it. So particularly if you're kicking abroad, you just go with what you've seen that day. And even if it's not funny, you will then be funny about the fact it wasn't funny. Do you know what I mean? And then, and then you sort of, you can use that trick a couple of times. And after that, you're like the crowd are going you get into that but then it becomes that kind of... I don't know it's sort of... Because they realize it's happening now that you're so in the moment because you're like

well that was fucking gash. Do you know what I mean? And they're like oh my god he's acknowledging it was gash. You know what I mean? And then... I think there's a hard thing about when we're really in the fucking technicalities of it. if you're doing half an hour of stuff and it's killer and you have a new bit, that doesn't fit many places because it's like you're trying to build a fucking three bedroom house surrounded by skyscrapers. It looks out of place. Whereas if you just go, I've got about 15, 20 minutes of new stuff and you stumble through it all, it all looks like fucking semi detached houses and it sort of makes a bit more sense.

Yes. That's what- Freddie Quinn had been made up with that analogy by the way. That was a good one. Class. That was a good one. You're right. I often, yeah, I've only ever done it with like babies where you're sort of showing people

babies and then they stamp on that baby. But yours is far more sort of, far more PG. My thing is, I remember saying this at a gig and going, you know, and I've just shown you babies and you said no to those babies. Some of the babies have worked, they're backstage in showbiz. They'll be doing coke, those babies. But some of those babies that you killed, you probably think I'm going to leave those dead babies here. I won't. I'll put those babies in a suitcase and I will take those dead babies to another gig and those babies will become men. And you will remember. But then the problem is the audience are going, so what you've said the other things before, which people, do

you know what I mean? Like even though obviously we have, there's still this belief in standup that it is this sort of stream of consciousness. Yeah. That it's all coming from your own head. I always think January is quite exciting because we have like an enforced break and then you all come back with your own little things that might have happened at Christmas or things you've noticed or... Yeah. And you get to play to people who are actually there because they want to watch standup rather than they're on a workstew or something. Yeah, man. Yeah. It's exciting. I love geeking out about standup. And they look... I know, yeah. No, I'll listen. There's a big comedy fan that want to hear. Oh Yeah man. Yeah. Exciting. I love geeking out about stand up. I know.

Listen, there's a big comedy fan. Oh great. Yeah. Yeah. Shall we do some executive orders, ladies and gents? That's a gavel. Nice. So the all powerful executive order. If you were president of the world is loosely what we're sort of saying. And you've got the executive order. Russell, if you've got any chip in at any point, Finn wasn't here when we basically got this rolling. Were you not?

I wasn't here. I edited it. You missed that day actually. Was I? Thank you. When was it? You said on the episode, I wasn't, you hadn't noticed I wasn't there. But you know, possible. Um, but yeah, when I was editing, I was making notes. I

was like, Oh, this is, this is good. You know what? This podcast is quite good. I was making notes of some executive orders I had. Um, my first one is that there should be someone hired as a B a BB gun sniper in every cinema to stop talking. So if you talk above a certain level as a BB sniper, aim at your head. I mean, you are familiar with what happened during the screening of Batman. I'm sure about that till just now. Just a hardline film. I think that's more, they were surprised that that happened. Whereas they'll know the BB guns coming. A BB gun could like that couldn't kill. No, but I'm like, oh, no, you're not a shuttle BB gun or a nerf gun. Can we temper it? Can we, because

then it's fun for everybody. Just sort of like a far reaching taser. Is that right? Is that softer? Is it than a BB gun? Hot dogs, hot dogs. Nah, but a taser. Is that right? Is that softer is it than a BB gun? Hot dogs? Hot dogs, no, but a taser, whenever you've, I've never seen somebody take, I've seen a lot on the internet and they all mean something to me. So I think if you were really annoyed by somebody and you're like, like that.

I think- Oh, you're handing them out to the people in the cinema. Yeah, the ushers. I think that's going to be a bit, oh, the ushers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't give me a taser in the cinema. With every like Batman ticket, you got a taser gun though. A. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't give me a taser. No, no, no, no. What with every like Batman ticket, you got a taser gun though.

A little old lady called Beryl, we give her a taser. She knows the code of the road. And if somebody's kind of mouthing off or giving someone a hand job, prrrr, like that. That make the hand job better, surely? Yeah, it come quick. Yeah, yeah, well, yeah, true. Yeah, I mean, it's a love honey thing.

Every cinema seat should just be electrified. Let's just cut out Beryl. Nice. Everything's got a little shocker. So if you'll be in a bellend and it's been noticed by a North, someone presses B5. Just to shut them up. Can I just say this cannot be in place for PGs and below because you're electrocuting fucking eight year olds. Yeah. Well you have, you have different ways of psychologically affecting them. So then you'll like strap them to the seats again, press the button strap and there might be a photo of their favorite teddy bear being attacked. Yeah. All my fears have been a late. Oh, thank you for that. Like we've got your mommy, that kind of stuff. It's kids club on a Saturday morning. They're all crying again.

Five and below, it whispers that Father Christmas isn't real. So that the parents keep them quiet. Yeah. Like shut up or it's gonna fuck you. Or if that doesn't work, we get somebody who looks like Father Christmas and we make it look like he's been shot in the head. Yeah, exactly.

And then just you did that and then back to the film. He's dead because of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Stay there. Get Winnie the Pooh back on. Can I ask you, Finn? Let's say we go with Dan's one. It's the electric chair. Just a little buzz. A buzzy chair. Okay. So what distractions get you shocked? Talking? Phone? Maybe there's like a decibel meter on your seat.

Laughter? Yep. Oh woo! Yeah, trouble is though. What was that? What are you doing in the cinema? If you've just seen the usual suspects and you realize Kevin Spacey's guys are so... Wow spoilers! Spoilers! You go woo! You can't get shocked.

Yeah, if someone's going... He sees dead people. Also, what about people who are into it though? What if you've got Tourette's? That's really unfair. They request a special seat. That's fair enough. It's not special in any other way.

It just doesn't buzz. Yeah, fine. It's the non special seat. They're all special. They're all electrocuted. We spoke about people with Tourette's going to the cinema recently on the podcast and like sort of the, the problems around that. And I got a message from the mother of a Tourette's sufferer who was not best pleased with my

attitude towards it. Okay. I apologize on. Yeah. I believe that. I don't know if you guys are sincere. Yeah. Being on your phone is one. Yeah. You don't know if you guys are sincere being on your phone. Yeah. It's one. Yeah. You don't need to be on your phone. What about if you're on the back row, getting a hand job, a really quiet hand job. Well, that's the thing. But you'd have to be so like you should be sat there watching the film. It would have to be, it would have to be like, you know, quiet place or something like that. But if it was sort of like, you know, if you hear someone getting beat off during a Jason Statham film, then that is, that's loud. Have you seen, have you seen the Meg? Oh, it's one of my, it's one of my best moments this Christmas.

Big shark. Oh my God. There's a line. Sorry. That's the alternate. It's a Chinese version. It's, it's a bit, there's a bit in it where this, this big shark is coming towards him and Jason's teeth and looks at him and goes, come on in you bastard. And it's like, how's that been made? Like honestly, how has he said that with a straight face? And then he beats up this big shark. Have you seen the Chinese poster for the first Diyard film? No.

So the whole thing is written in Chinese apart from the title and the tagline. And the title of Diyard in China was Reluctant Hero. And the tagline is, a reluctant hero saves the day, but he has no shoes. That's on the poster. Put air Monday for the yeah. Absolutely. That's fair enough. Yeah. I see that. We'll give you that one. Okay. Can I add one? Yeah. I think sweet Caroline and Mr. Brightside should be banned in public places. That's going to be tough, tough for the killers and Neil Diamond. Can you do it at killer's gigs?

Can they still sing it? That's the only place you can do it. So the only person who can sing Mr. Brightside in public is Brandon Flowers. Yeah. So odd though, because as soon as you put, as soon as you put that law into place, like in my head now, all I want to do is sing sweet Caroline. If you did that in the House of Commons, we will no longer be saying Sweet Caroline. It's not that bit in Phoenix Nights. You know what I mean? It's my favourite. I'd add Wonderwall to that.

Okay. Or the entire Oasis back castle. No, not that one. Wonderwall's not sang as much as like Mr. Black's Island, Sweet Carolina, and like big Norbert groups. Is it? Did you, by the way, did you say it would take it underground? Yeah.

So there'd be little underground clubs where it's just constantly groups singing Mr. Black's Island, Sweet Carolina. Neil Diamond Club. That's where the revolution begins. Ba ba ba. Just painful, get some new ones. Imagine that, them having to whisper it in the sewers. And then it just gradually billows up and then people are walking,

they just hear just under the vents. I'd like that. What songs do you like that are like, end of question. What songs do you like that like are iconic like those ones? Have you heard the Happy song? Who by? So basically this is a song by Imogen Heap and apparently it's been scientifically designed because it's all the noises within a song that calm babies down. And I thought it was absolute nonsense, but by God it works. But as soon as you hear it, it will stay in your head forever. It's called the happy song. I don't want to listen to this. Do you want

to hear it? Would you like it? It's a copy written. I'm going to get struck on that. Will you get struck? You'll get struck. We'll listen to it after. Well, if it helps, I know Imogen Heap, so it should be fine. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It feels like it's going to be awful, but if your child is screaming in the back of a car and that helps you. Do you know what also works as well? And I've seen videos of this, throwing a slice of cheese on them. Or ham, make a potty out of it if you want the cheese on them. Yeah, but that will, I think as far as getting your kids taken away,

if you play a song or you sort of treat them like a burger, it's definitely better. But yeah, if you slap like something on the red, if you put a slice of cold cheese on them, they just stop crying. Yeah, it definitely works. And they're also scared of you and dairy for life. We put a cucumber next to a cat as well. What? What? Yep.

Cats are terrified of cucumbers and you don't like to be on them. I've seen the videos, they react like... If you put a cucumber behind the cart and it turns round, it will shit its pants. But again, it's sort of... How did that come about? Do you know what I mean? Like who was making a salad and thought, I fucking hate felines. Like that. And they're like, like that. And the cat's like, all right, yeah. Like fucking wild that that's been found out, isn't it?

TikTok cat cucumbers, you'll have a, I love it. A laugh. The world that felt like you felt like you were the heir apparent of Beedle then. That was so great. I'm being bought by big cucumber. Have you got any executive orders Russell? So most of mine are Revot. The big thing for me is, it's not really in the exact order, it's just a plea from humanity to science. Because we've got a thing called a rocket on your pram that sort of shakes the pram

so that your baby kind of goes to sleep. There's also a sheep that emits white noise so that your baby goes to sleep. But there is nothing as yet designed other than sniffing your baby's ass to see whether it's shit itself. So if, if somebody could invent that because the amount of times I've had to spoil a day or indeed a meal and just pick up my son and go, yeah, that's shit. But it feels like there should be something, but a little, like a little sort of turdometer

that you could just hold up to it and he just blip blip blip blip blip blue like that. So, you know, but just this, the whole kind of the sniffing and the kind of, do you know what I mean? You're like fucking sommelier and they, and they never, they don't even pull a different face. They never tell you. I know they can't speak. We had that, like when we were doing like NCT, like you sort of bump into parents that know everything and there are people going, we're not going to have nappies. We're like, well, we fucking are, we got carpets. You meant it.

But they were going, oh, you can tell the face that your baby will pull. How? Like, I don't know how you were raised, but my dad never kind of like, just come in here. Just look at me. There you go. Like that. Like I love my son, but I don't want to sit around and analyze his shit face so

that if I could do something that does that, Jamie Carriger. Yeah, Yeah, yeah. I have a car, a Neville just like that. Caller changing nappies maybe on the outside. Caller changing nappies. Well, you have that thing. You have like a blue that will tell you whether they already have that for piss with it. It's just piss, just piss, but there's nothing for poo. So

there is nothing beyond that kind of maybe a little window. That's a great idea. A see through window. What could possibly go wrong with a window? It'sppy. You can't open it. It's just a bit see-through. It's a bad look. Listen, if you go on Dragon's Den and you're like, right, what I need? See-through underpants. And he needs access to a baby's ass. And I need it now. Like, it's a bad look.

The problem with these nappies is- No, no, I don't want to see his cock. I want to see his poo. It's not an openable window. It's just a clear bin. It's not from the poo. It's not an openable window. It's just a clear bin. It's not from the front. It's not from the front. Not weird.

It's just from the poo. Asler's chap for the baby. No. Just so you can have a little pee. But that's not... They've got to be able to do the piss thing though. The piss exists. The piss thing they do, but the poo...

No, but I mean, they've got to be able to do that for poo. Yeah. It's got to be, like, you poo and piss aren't that different. Come on, Pampers. It's got to be some sort of test. Yeah, come on,ampers raise your game. Can you not smell it from a distance?

No. What? Yeah, from three streets away. Like if you put, like if I had pooed myself from here, could you smell it? If my wife lifted you up and held you in front of me. Yeah. But what helps is he's got windows on his underpants.

So that's just it. But you couldn't smell it from a distance. No, you have to be close. No, no, I'm not, you know, I'm not sort of in tune yet, but it's, it's, yeah. You basically just stop a meal and you know, your baby's lifted up and you're like, have you thought about maybe finishing your dinner? You can't, Dan will attest if as soon as somebody says has he pooed, you kind of have to, yeah, you can't be like, oh, but the desserts aren't here. It looks bad. I've ordered a cheese board.

We've got pictures here. He can squiff about in his own shit for a bit. Hang on, so you're telling me, if your main has just been put on your table and one of your friends or relatives or whoever you're dining with says has he pooed, and you check and he's pooed, you've got to leave your carbonara and go and wipe his ass.

I can't wait for you to be a dad. That's like parenting 101, you've got to leave your carbonara and go and wipe his ass. Yeah. That's like parenting 101. You're not going to like sit there and go, well, I'll finish my meal. Like you and me are friends, right? And if you were, you couldn't look after yourself and it became apparent that during our meal, you'd shit your pants.

It's impossible. Look, but as a friend, I'd help you out. Like I wouldn't go well, I've ordered my starter. It seems like, and I love my son. So surely I'm going to help him. Yeah. You know, and I'm with all sorts of things. Like if he falls out of his high chair, you can't be like, I haven't finished my dinner. You've got to move. You get a rash. What I'm saying is if you know, he's pooed his pants, but he's still happy, then why are we changing... What the fuck? Yeah but when a dog shits in the street, it's still happy.

You've got to pick the shit up. I'm telling you right now, if I was out with my dog and my dog has a shite... And you were eating a carbonara. I don't know, but yeah. I'd finish that carbonara before I got a poo bag. No go on, you're out with your dog. I've got a sandwich. Dog has a shite. I'm finished that carbonara before I got a poo bag. I was- No, go on, you're on with your dog. I've got a sandwich.

Yeah. Dog has a shite. I'm finishing my sandwich before I go to the poo. That's insane. No, put your sandwich on a ledge. Yeah. That sandwich is probably finished now. Yeah.

I have to say, Adam, like who wants to do a poo bag and then go back to the sandwich? No, you don't. That sandwich is probably finished. It depends how, how, how off we, like put the sandwich in your pocket. You're not going to sit there. Just like, like let's say you've had a big baguette.

It's a tuna mayonnaise baguette from Greg's. You're only going to sit there. Just like, like let's say you've had a big baguette. It's a tuna mayonnaise baguette from Gregg's. You're going to sit there. How insane are you going to look? And now people know who you are. Am I going to look? Oh, if I forget about it and a bum means one of my friends and there's a sandwich hanging out me. I had a, I had a, you know, when someone just fucking zings you, this bloke zing me on a bike. I was like, my, my old dog wasn't very well and he kind of had like bad kidneys. So we had to kind of check his poo to see if there was kind of blood in it and stuff like that.

And I was kind of like, really glaring at this turd and this bloke saw me and he's like, you're my mate. And I was like, he's not very well. And this felt like, need to do it. And if he'd have had a bell, he would have gone, dang dang. But you got to pick it up straight away. And if he'd have had a bell, he would have gone dang dang and just fucking rinse me. But you got to pick it up straight away. I remember telling friend of the show, Jimmy Carr, when you talk about sort of routines,

you can't make work. I was walking along and my dog did a shit and I didn't have a poo bag on me, which is just like just the worst. And I was going, and all I had was a 20 pound note. So I was in this dilemma of like, oh fuck, do I leave the shit? We know that babies go blind if they touch dog muck. Fucking hell, you're going to make a baby blind. What do they get when they go blind? A dog. And then I was thinking, but if someone sees you lifting up a poo as a famous person with a 20 pound note as if to go, so

yeah, totally. But what was the dilemma? But I, so in the end I was like, well, I've made the mistake. It should cost me 20 quid to pick it up. So that's what I did. But the look of a better person, it felt like, but it felt like the queen and it was still the queen that I was saying was just looking at me going son of a bitch You would then have to go into a shop or use leaves you can't leave your dog's poo Well, that's the problem. You can't and you can't sort of say I'll be back for that because then you look fucking was the other people around There was nobody around but it was my gun. No don't cuz you're getting a dog soon. Don't do that I feel really bad for the cocaine user a few weeks down the line.

Exactly. That's going to be a really good night. There should be poo bags in there. I mean, I haven't gotten them because used before. You should always have poo bags on you. Totally. But if I didn't, I'm not picking it up with a 20 pound note. No, but you would have to go into a shop or like pick,

you have to get rid of that poo. Okay. Mate, did you see that like Roy Keane was on about this the other day on his podcast. It was fantastic. Like Roy Keane is so funny as in an increasingly is like a 1990 stand up. Yeah, exactly. Because he was doing stuff about the, about this, about, you know, people that pick up dog muck and they just leave it there.

And then he was doing that routine that we've seen comics do. And then he picked it up and put it on the floor and go on and they're all going, Oh my God, it's so true. I can't wait to see self-service bit. I fucking do. I'm working here. By the way, I will always have dog bags on me. Poo bags. I will, I will pick the poo up. I will pick the poo up if I'm ever in the exact situation Russell found himself in and there's not a shop in the immediate vicinity and all I've got on me

is a £20 note. That poo lives there now. Yeah, but the problem is now no one carries cash. So you've got to make a choice with you and your credit card. That's the thing. So if it was... And also you're the same, you are the same. Do you mean I know what you do? What would you do? Volley it. I've got the dog. Volley it. See, it's just the dog. No, I didn't do it into the nearest bush.

But there's no, I just, I was sort of thought about it and was just like, oh, I've got to do it. And, and I was, I remember talking to Jimmy about it and I was sort of saying, oh, I think it's really funny. Like there's something in it. And Jimmy's, he, I've got to do it. And I remember talking to Jimmy about it. And I was sort of saying, oh, I think it's really funny. Like there's something in it. And Jimmy's, he went, just make it a fiver. That was his way. And then he started a problem. I was like, I don't know.

I think it's still weird, Jim. I was like, no, just make it a fiver. Shall we do a couple from the listeners? Yeah. Chris Wilkinson says, executive order or bubble bath must start coming in bottles like dish soap so you can squirt enough in rather than massively overshooting. And that's from Chris Wilkinson who is dealing with a lot of bubble bath issues. Now I run a lot of baths for Seneca and you do have to

do that like an old ketchup bottle and it just blob out. So you can't really choose how much you're putting in. Why don't you get yourself one of those bath bombs and then you come out all silky then sometimes she doesn't want to be silky. Oh, okay. Oh yeah. So you're preparing the bath. This is a wild executive order. This is a tiny, tiny, tiny. I like it. It's a little change in sort of that will make a lot of difference because it would make it. You just do it all. I'm a dove man makes a dove already. So you can't have too much bubble bath. You've of dollops go in, you're like, Oh God, it's just too bubbly. Yeah. It's not, you just get in.

Dan is completely right. Nobody's ever had a bubble go off and gone for fuck's sake, there's too many bubbles. Where's the bathroom? How good is your life? If you're like, Oh gee, look how fucking bubbly I am. Jesus, I'm so calm. Hey John, you don't seem yourself today, mate. Yeah, I got ready to come out, didn't I? The bath was too bubbly. I couldn't even see my feet. Very discombobulated.

Exactly. I had to have a shower to wash the bubbles off. The thing with the bath bomb is, they're loads of fun and the kids love them and that's great. But once the water drains away, the kids are the most dangerous they will ever be. There's like a sheen. Yeah, yeah, they can slide down anything. It's a fucking nightmare. Silky? The most dangerous they'll ever be.

That's interesting. Yeah, because there's little weapons in the bath bombs. I wish Lush would stop putting machetes in these bath bombs. I wish Lush would stop putting machetes in these bath bombs. One more. Kai Barker says, how are we lids? I've got an executive order for you. We need to put a stop to people cutting their mullet in short. If you are going to rock that barnet, at least do it properly rather than having short sides

and then a triangle on the back of your heads. Sort it out. He wants a committed mullet rather than a heart. It is the new mullet isn't it? Like a shaved in mullet. Yeah, that's sort of like, like Anthony Gordon's got one now and it looks peculiar. Like where it's sort of... Thomas Green's got one? Yeah.

Yeah. No sound. Now you know, I'll tell people what to do with their hair. I'll tell you what, like a mullet on an Australian looks phenomenal. Having spent a month there, it just fits those people so well. And it's culturally appropriate, isn't it? You're like, yeah, this is what you guys. Yeah. It's like sort of the Theo Von's haircut. You're like, yeah, like I can't imagine him with like neat hair. Like if you ever saw Theo Von with like a neat haircut, you'd be like, what the fuck's happening? His first Netflix special, and I forget the name of it. He's got like a, almost like a

crew cut. And it isn't the same guy. Like his vibe, his whole vibe needs a mullet. He is a mullet. Yeah. Different. I had a mullet as a kid. Like my dad really liked, so he used to have really, really blonde hair. So he would kind of make it like he wouldn't let, he never let, it was like a rat's tail more like just hang down, proper scummy. I nearly went for the mullet earlier this year. But you got the beginnings of one. I just grew it all out. It's just very, very long in every direction. Yeah. Oh, it is, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I can only grow mullet. That's what we're dealing with.

Well, I'm bald as fuck. So it just grows off the back. Have you thought, given your new found success, have you thought about the old? Can we, can we tell you what happened? We don't talk about this. All right. Oh, sorry. So we got in touch with a company and we were going to do it as a Patreon special

and get a hair transplant. And the hair transplant company said he's too bald. There's nothing they can't take it from like the channel. No, they said it would take two full sessions and be able to get to the fucking halfway up my head. Amazingly, I'd have 16 grand of hair transplant, but I'd look more bald. So the best they could do for you is sort of Dutch, like a Dutch man. Gervinio. I wasn't even going to do it anyway.

I'm thinking glue on wig. Anyone? Yeah, that works. That'd be fine. Do you give a shit? Oh, I had. It's funny, some people really... Long gone.

Yeah. My brother's got like... I spend about four grand on hats a year, but nevermind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My brother's got a reverse monk, so he's kind of bald around there and he's got a bit on top. And I've sort of offered like plugs for him a few times. He's like, I couldn't give a shit. Doesn't care. But his hair looks fucking insane. He looks like Ronald Koeman, my brother. Absolutely wild. But it's funny, isn't it? Happy in his own skin.

Sorry, mate. Yeah. He is too bald. Yep, so that. I just love- Can you not even make him look like Ronald Koom? In a company whose job it is, is to give bald people their hair back. What have you done? We've never seen anything like this before.

So what? And did they let you know that? How did they let- So they spoke to Steve and- Steve made me take pictures of my own head. He was like, listen, they need them quick. This is the God's honest truth. Was in JD sports in Chester. I had to take quick pictures of my head.

And then they went, what are we gonna do with that? I don't know, it's a bald head. Did you go to the change of room, please? Nope. Oh, you're not. Fucking hell, the looks you must have been getting in JD as well. You're like, fucking hell, this guy really takes hats

seriously. You're just kind of measuring your own head. So presumably, I don't know how to do a good selfie, but presumably you were, but you were luxuriating in the future. You with the hair as well. It'd be a dangerous thing Russell. No, but when they said, right, we're going to do a whole special dedicated to you grow in your hair. You must have like imagined that. Oh, but yeah. But where am I going? Look at what I've achieved looking like a Danish sex offender. If I had beautiful locks, I don't know if I could live this civilian life. Like the reverse Samsoni losers as Palo.

I'd be like limitless. I'd be gone. That's fucking great. So you're now worried about getting hair. Well apparently not because it's not medically possible. So do you think, do you believe in a higher power? Do you believe in like this god-like figure who's kind of going, just it can't happen? If there is a god, if there is a god, he's tormenting me sir. I can't grow hair in my head, but it's growing on the side of my penis. I have to shave the top of my arms, regularly. The top?

Yeah, it's gone mad round here. What? What? If there is a God, awful, piss taker. I love the fact that there's multiple wars going on and he's like, right, Nightingale's penis, get it up on the screen. Just on the edges.

The one place I can grow hair quite well is on my chin and that's going white and I'm bald. So what am I gonna, if I honestly, if I shave all my facial hair, everyone's appalled. Business partners, wives, my children were like, oh, what the fuck? So that's gonna go white. So I'm gonna end up looking like,

I'm gonna be shaved headed with a white Christmas. It's going to look like Father Christmas, like a neo-Nazi Santa Claus. Shaved head, white beard. This is awful. There is no Jesus. It's mad that they could have given you a head transplant here and gone, yeah, we took it from the top of your arms.

But we should pay real attention to the final phrase at the end of that rant. There is no Jesus. The image of you bursting into a church, But we should pay real attention to the final phrase at the end of that rant. There is no Jesus. The image of you bursting into a church, pointing at your head, going, there is no Jesus, would be a fucking excellent way of spiking songs of praise. Do you know what I mean? Do you see that episode? Fuck me, that bald guy lost it.

I'd rather go Richard Keys in the back of your hand, start going here. That's a fair point. We're going to do that. A big teddy bear. I'll tell you right now, the monkey's dead. Clapazoo Afatot. Russell, it's been really nice to see you, mate. Hey, I really enjoyed that. Thanks for having us. Can I get a selfie? Yes. I'll take it like this. Yes. I'll take it. Like this. He's in front of you like that.

Yeah, yeah. Just going to get like that. Yeah, it was fucking quality. Thanks, fellas. I appreciate you. Go and check out Russell's new stand-up special on the 15th of January. Russell-Howard.co.uk. He's also on tour all over the world at the minute.

So, the dates are also on the website. That's gotta be the first clip from this episode, by the way. You ever thought about getting your hair done? Right, we've got a song this week from the band, Rolled Up Sleeves and This Is Their Tune Emoji Eyes. So go and give it a listen. Feels target. Rolled up sleeves on it.

Sounds good. Thanks for watching. Bye Felicia. Now we're both blown up or at least I've tried And my wounds sewn up and underneath the tide Like a whole rose bush in my side When my phone lights up with those emoji eyes I feel gold bladed and heavily sedated And when I'm at my lowest you get lower than my name But we can wake up in the afternoon Giving you the best of me and take the worst of you But when those ticks go blue I I'll bet you won't around

It's in your bed since June, yeah, I still hold you down Oh, we can pretend it's just a faultless crime And not that we're in love this time Now I don't really know where I've been tonight Not really in control at the best of times but I'm trading on my getting with every stride when my phone lights up with those emoji eyes so I head for the gates with the miscores from my mates and battle a decision that I've already made you know I'm bad but they must not perceive that I'm going back to you I do it every week

But when those tears go through I'll bet you'll roll around And see my head seems to Yeah, I still hold you down Oh, we can pretend It's just a faultless crime And not that we're in love this time Cause it's time Ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round, ticks go round neck And say give me what I want, like you're deep in my debt I say yes, I'm a wreck, sometimes I say I love you

One of my breath, it falls deaf, I regret Each time I answer your text, like these nights aren't The only highs I can get What a lie, what a lie, give me my emoji eyes Yeah! And when those ticks go blue, I bet you're rolling round And seeing your bed since June, Yeah, I still hold you down Oh, if you can pretend

It's just a faultless crime And not that we're in love this time Yeah!