Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #311 with Daniel Sloss - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Starting point is 00:00:00 What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

Starting point is 00:00:23 And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Starting point is 00:00:43 Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Starting point is 00:01:13 Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lids? Have you heard? We've got a brand new website. It's have a word pod.com and on our brand new website. We've got a brand new website. It's haveowardpod.com and on our brand new website,

Starting point is 00:01:26 we've got a brand new line of merch, T-shirts, hoodies, jumpers, hats, stickers, there's all sorts. And it's available right this second. Go to haveowardpod.com, get yourself some merch. And while you're there, you could also get tickets too. Murderers Row, we're doing a massive stand-up tour all around the UK and we're doing Dublin. It's me comparing the first section,

Starting point is 00:01:50 Adam comparing the second, and then we've got the best acts we know. People you'll recognise from the couch, some absolute killers from comedy doing stand-up. Proper stand-up tour. There's no podcast tour this year. We wanted to do stand-up with our mates, and we've come up with the Murderers Row standup tour.

Starting point is 00:02:06 Four special guests every night. Me and Dan doing a bit each as well. And obviously we're bringing all the lads down. We're gonna get Finn to sing at the end. It's gonna be absolutely class. And all the tickets and all the merch are at haveawordpod.com. And of course, if you love what you're watching,

Starting point is 00:02:22 patreon.com slash haveaword pod for loads of bonus content. But we'll tell you more about that a little bit later. Enjoy the episode. It's going to be a... It was good. Yeah, it was really good. It was class. Man, Sensei Kal and Finn, this is the one and only Halve Award. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomer.

Starting point is 00:02:52 Go Ed, get on me. Ooh, cold in it? It is cold. I went to Rio Steakhouse last night. Ooh. Oh, I've been told this is really good. Oh, I'm into it. Hapsaag not an ad by the way.

Starting point is 00:03:05 I'm in the pocket of big Rio. Huel washes it down nicely. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. When I'm not absolutely bashing the Huel, I went to Rio, oh, seeing now as a fussy eater, you go in and you're like, I just thought it was, I thought I was just getting steak and chips. I thought we were just gonna,

Starting point is 00:03:22 it was gonna be Brazilian steak. It was gonna be dead nice. Where is it? Went there in Chester. It's a Roaditio, isn't it? Oh, that's bad Brazil. It's like a Ben Brazil. But I've been to a Ben Brazil before,

Starting point is 00:03:32 and they're like, yeah, the steak's coming around, don't worry in a bit. And it feels like all the meat you don't want comes round. Yeah, but where's the steak? Rio Steakhouse. It's peak Dan Nightingale autism, watching the waiter take what he wants to another table whilst being offered like chicken feet.

Starting point is 00:03:49 No, no, no, chicken feet. No, I don't want no chicken feet. Watching you in a road, you're amazing. Oh, a real steakhouse, mate. It's mainly steak. It's like six of the eight things being brought around, maybe more a steak and unlimited chips. You dirty, dirty bitches.

Starting point is 00:04:07 They all have unlimited salad bars. No, but I mean, unlimited chips is, is I haven't had that before. That's just the wording is disposable income. You've always got a limited. I have no, no, no restaurant. Have I ever been in the got unlimited chips. I haven't, no. That is a fact. But no, in no restaurant have I ever been in there like, it's unlimited chips. Oh, they just get little bucket of chips. You couldn't buy enough chips in a day to run out of money and like you would be sick. You'd be fine.

Starting point is 00:04:35 I know, but that's fine. Yeah, okay. They can be unlimited. I mean, I could fucking spend eight grand on pick and mix, couldn't I? I mean, it would be a bad reason to not be able to go on holiday with Laura. I know you want to go on holiday, but just finished the banana foam mountain. Oh, that's what you went with. I never wanted to deal with my ex because me and Adam kept going out. And that's a fact. We were walking out all the other days like I ain't got no money left because me and Adam

Starting point is 00:04:59 have got bladders for two years. Yeah, because it takes a lot of restraint being an adult, doesn't it? Oh, really? Every day you don't just spend money like a fucking ten-year-old child. Like, you have to make that conscious decision to not be that cunt. Every day costs £40, no matter what you do. If you sit on the couch all day, that costs £40 to be an adult. If you don't spend £40 in a day, I don't know what you've done.

Starting point is 00:05:23 Every day is £40. Oh yeah, because if I say, oh, we're not going anywhere,, I don't know what you've done. Every day is 40 pounds. Oh yeah, because if I say, oh, we're not going anywhere, then I get a man to bring me food. 40 pounds? Yes. Everything's 40. If you're doing Parkins 20, like everything's 40 quid, you've smashed it. If you've got a less day than that, I don't think it's expensive, is it?

Starting point is 00:05:38 Yeah, and also if you have a less than 40 pound day, the next day you're like, it's going to be an 80 pound day. It's got to be. That's how economics works. day the next day you're like it's gonna be an 80 pound day it's gotta be that's how economics works. That's really interesting as well because last night I decided I was gonna have a profit like self care night and stay in so I got myself steak and prawns mushrooms and broccoli. That was class. Unlimited chips? What? Unlimited chips? Yeah but I chose to have zero of them. Oh, right, well that's good. Still a win.

Starting point is 00:06:06 And my bill came to £39.73 in M&S. Everyday cost £40 at least. Oh, I had a bath and everything. It was class last night. A bit more. A proper little gay self-care night. I was in the bath, I had my Chandukh, my bubbles. Sucked off a man.

Starting point is 00:06:22 Feels a bit wrong right now, doesn't it? What do you mean? The Chandukh. Why? No. Didn't he man. Feels a bit wrong right now, doesn't it? What do you mean? The Chandukh. Why? No. Didn't he die in a big bath? Oh. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:29 Yeah, but not because of the ducks. If anything, it's worth more money. Yeah, but it floats better than he did. It just feels a bit wrong. I'm not having that. Nope. Come on. What?

Starting point is 00:06:39 No. You look setting. You look setting. I'm not having the end. Yeah, he's floating. I'm not having any Matthew Perry based float jokes mate. Not having it. Watching Newcastle, fucking finger arsehole.

Starting point is 00:06:51 Class. And then this morning, I had a... All at the same time, was this like food, bath and footy? Because that sounds fucking... No, well I got the bath after my dinner and then just lay on the couch with a cup of tea watching the footy. What a lovely way. In my new robe. Got a new robe. Got a new robe. Gift for Christmas. Feels very gift. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Bought myself it. Laura's got, um, just before Christmas. Yeah. Everything. But I wrote someone else's name on it. So that's

Starting point is 00:07:17 a gift. It was a 40 pound robe. Laura's got a new one I bought her from, uh, for Christmas. A sexy one, isn't it? No, no, that was, that's a separate one I bought her for Christmas. And it's- No, no, that's a separate one. This is for the everyday, please don't touch me in any way sort of comfort, you know, that she likes a lot. And it's a very fluffy one. Like it's like a teddy fluffy. I want a lady robe. Mine's not lady, mine's very masculine

Starting point is 00:07:41 and it's a towel robe. So you just get out the bath. Just made a tweet. You put your robe on and then you're done. I've got a towel robe with my name on. Yeah, you've got 19 different robes. I've now got a big yellow mumu as well. A what?

Starting point is 00:07:53 Adam bought me a big yellow mumu. And I haven't taken it off. I'm in it. I bought him a yellow gown for Christmas. I am going to need an explanation on what a big yellow mumu is. Joe in the episode of The Simpsons, we're home and get to their fat. I love it and he, it's the... Yeah.

Starting point is 00:08:08 He's wearing a Moo Moo in that. I remember that's how I know Moo Moo's. I've got a big fluffy yellow Moo Moo with a hood on. This glass is a nudie but... A Simpsons themed one. Got me for Christmas and it's just so comfy. It's not the blue and floral one that Homer's wearing. No, it's just yellow with Homer's face on the front.

Starting point is 00:08:24 He's basically wearing a big Homer's face. What's the difference between a Moo Moo and an Oodie? The material, the length, the cut. I've got an Oodie but I use it as a... I have called this an Oodie. It is a fucking Oodie. I use it as a draft excluder when I go to bed and also in my head it means no one can hear the porn I'm watching. She does that. Why is there drafting, you know? Upstairs? There isn't. I'm basically trying to block out porn noise.

Starting point is 00:08:48 How loud have you got your porn? Jack's watching in dead loud. You shut up in there! How loud have you got your porn? Excluder, by the way. Isn't that an includer? A draft includer? Well, no, that means it includes all the draft.

Starting point is 00:08:56 Fucking hell, it's windy in here. It includes the porn into the room. If you're trying to stop your porn noise getting out. Yeah. Then it, you're keeping the porn noise in with that. Do you think a draft included keeps the draft in your room? You've got a porn included. Yeah I'll take it. Using your oody as a porn included. Same thing, same logic, works great. I want the porn noise where I am and not like- You're a rogue. You would go to bed and put the porn noise up on your lap. No earplugs. No, I use earplugs. You've got little wireless buds.

Starting point is 00:09:29 Yeah, I have. Sometimes it caught me off. But you know why? Because if you've got your earplugs in and you're in the porn mode, then if someone knocks on in an emergency and you can't hear them, that's a bad look in it. You put one in?

Starting point is 00:09:43 Yeah, I've done that before. Always, always the ear plug in await. The one near the door is, yeah. Awesome sound canceling headphones with an aware mode. Yeah. Right. So you've got like the sounds around you. I'd still put the draft excluded there as well.

Starting point is 00:09:58 That UDI is almost exclusively used for audio porn. So obviously I share a flat at the minute with two other gentlemen. And everyone in the flat is now in a relationship. But like, I'm just used to just being with the lads. You know what I mean? Like sometimes one of the girls is there, sometimes they're all there, sometimes two,

Starting point is 00:10:16 sometimes whatever. And sometimes I get the house to myself. Cool. And a few nights ago, I knew they were out and I had a night to myself. So I went in, I say the night, it was the afternoon. And I went into my bedroom. Yep.

Starting point is 00:10:32 And I thought I'd have like, you know, when you go sort of extreme wank. Sex wank, a sexy wank? So I was streaming it from my phone to my telly. Oh wow. Oh yeah. Airplane. Airplane. Wow. And it just ups the experience. It's

Starting point is 00:10:47 everywhere. And I got the lube out. And I know that's a regular fixture for you. Oh, that's so sweet. But that's like a fucking, to me that's like ever, and getting to a cup final, that's like once every 20 years. It's a hard finish as early. That's like you getting a corporate ticket, innit? That's the best thing corporate ticket in it. Yeah, you're in hospitality This is a treat. Yeah, so I had a full tile ready on the bed so that I could just I was I was because you're a squirter Yeah, I am Remember the first time you had one though when you went the first time I had a wank not and came out Yeah, of course. Yeah, just thought I broke me knob Yeah, just got a weed in my bedroom. My bell end came out me foreskin for the first time and I a wank, nothing came out. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I just... You just thought I broke my knob. Yeah, I just weaved it in my bedroom.

Starting point is 00:11:25 Because my bell end came out, my foreskin for the first time, and I was like, that looks weird. The first time ever I saw... My bed. Airplane, lube out, towel down, nothing happened. So I had the telly on, and I had the volume on like 22, something like that. And I was just having...

Starting point is 00:11:41 Wow. And then the door went... Like, and my bedroom is right next to the front door. Oh. So I just hear the key coming. But here's the thing. Keelan came. What?

Starting point is 00:11:54 Nevermind. I heard the door go. And here's the thing. I was like, do you know what? We're all grown men. I was right in the middle of it. I was like, I'm fucking cracking on. I'm just fucking cracking on.

Starting point is 00:12:09 I was a door open. Right? I'm just going, what? Doors closed. My doors closed. Yeah. Yeah, my bedroom doors closed. So I thought, I'm just cracking on.

Starting point is 00:12:18 Yeah. When I finished and wiped me self off and put the weakest link back on. I went down into the living room and one of my housemates was there with his partner. However, they, none of them have said anything. So I don't know whether they hear that, but I think they might have. 22 is, unless you've got your porn included down. That's what I added on the same volume that I have the match on. Peter Drory commentating it. Oh God. Oh!

Starting point is 00:12:46 It's a wag for me. Have you ever seen a wag such as this? I think, you know, there's a gentlemanly, even, you know, the girlfriends, they're grown women, aren't they? Yep. You don't want to walk past you.

Starting point is 00:13:02 I think we all know wagwan. You know, you're like, come on, we know what's happening. That doesn't, no, don't acknowledge it. I'd have said, no. That would break the tension. If I walked, if this was, you know, if we lived together and you walked into the living room

Starting point is 00:13:15 after that, and it was right after it, I went in the living room, you know, seven minutes after they'd come in and potentially a day. You still got the semi. I'd have walked in to the living room. If you walked into the living room, I'd have gone, were you wanking before? That's what I'd do and make a joke about it,

Starting point is 00:13:31 but they didn't do that. Now it's like this secret that we all have. He was wanking. That's at least at 22, the dirty bastard. Yeah, if someone says that, the tensions, bro, we all wank. I just think if there's a door closed Then you you know, not ready to though What do you have your laptop on 22?

Starting point is 00:13:51 Also, you get your knob out in your front window. No, let's rephrase that I don't get my knob out in the front window. Do I? Yeah you do. No, weeks in You're there in your Simpsons Moo Moo Just fucking wanking school kids crying. I just want to go to school. You're there in your Simpsons Moo Moo. Just fucking wanking. School kids crying out, I just want to go to school. You're like, this is my property. You looked in here. Freehold! Freehold indeed. That is mine. Maybe I wouldn't masturbate in the fucking bay window if it was a leasehold, but I own the land. It is a bay window as well.

Starting point is 00:14:24 Good. Well I'm glad we got the facts right on that. That was the most important bit. No school kids in my road. Only the one I call the faqon. And I think it's a stanzas. You don't want to wank in front of that faqon. Or do you? No. I don't get me knob out in the front window. But legally, but legally, we're back here again. We're back into this.

Starting point is 00:14:44 Legally, you believe that we can, or you can. No, so I can wank on 22. That's all I'm saying. I can have the volume on 22 on me tele superstar boob. Now, listen, housemate, if he's bringing his mam around for afternoon tea, it's on him. Put an earplug in before you bring it in the house.

Starting point is 00:15:07 Headphones on. Like a little kid when they're swearing. Ear muffs. That is on the housemate to go, just a heads up, I'm bringing the old girl round. You know, I'm bringing my mother for whatever fucking reason. No, you give her the heads up just to let you know. But does he really want his mum in the house?

Starting point is 00:15:25 But if I haven't had a wank, cause then I'm horny. She's horny. Oh God. It's more than a wank. Well I've just come round for a cup of tea, but oh his hair's looking so luscious. Ooh. His mum's there.

Starting point is 00:15:38 That is Mrs. Barbara Finnegan. Hi, new old woman called Barbara Finnegan. Anyway. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. If you bring in parents around, then I think it's on the housemate who's bring them around to just give a heads up a best behavior knobs away in it. Maybe turn the pawn down to 11. Not in my house.

Starting point is 00:15:59 Turn it down to 11. That even TV, TV volume on 11. Do you 12 or 10? Oh, you don't. You don't leave a TV volume on 11, do you? 12 or 10. Oh, you don't. You're just being in there. No, do you? Are you one of them?

Starting point is 00:16:09 What's the difference between 12 and 11? What you mean? You'll have it or not. Is some autism live? It's odd if it's fives. Oh, it's even. Anything else can fuck off. So you can only have volume on five, 10, 15, 20, 25.

Starting point is 00:16:21 No. So it's up in two. I'll tell you all the numbers I can have it on. And you're gonna be like, it doesn't really, it's not proper, makes sense, but it does. And here's the thing, and you're not gonna believe me. If you went into my bedroom and put the telly on one of these numbers,

Starting point is 00:16:36 on a number that isn't one of the ones I'm about to tell you, I could tell you it's wrong. No. It also pawns, I was like, Finn, this pawns at 19. Can like Finn. This pawns at 90. Are you multiple of five or even? Acceptable TV volume numbers are five, eight, 10, 12, 15, 18, 20, 22, 25, 28, 30, 32, 35, 40, 45, 50, 52, 55, 60. It's just too loud now. 65, 70, 75, 50, 52, 55, 60.

Starting point is 00:17:06 It's just too loud now. 65, 70, 75, and then 55. It's too loud. It's that you've broken your TV. You don't have to have a, once you're in the 60s. If you're at someone else's house and they go- Is your TV from the 60s? Oh, it's on 70, it's blown up.

Starting point is 00:17:20 If you're at someone else's house and they put the volume on 17, are you saying something? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I'd be like, I'd literally, you know, like when you put the volume up and then like two seconds later it disappears, the number doesn't it? Off the screen.

Starting point is 00:17:35 The number would still be on the screen and I'd have already kicked off. See, I just want to call it autism, but if I'm in the car and I set the heat in and it's not on sync, so the other side is the same temperature, I will in the car and I set the heat in and it's not on sync, so the other side is the same temperature, I will drive the car off the road. And then my own life goes on. Even though it's meant to be different because it's meant to be dual climate control.

Starting point is 00:17:54 Oh my God. Where sharing experiences makes a lot more good. I cannot, I can't relate to this because I like to be cool at all times. If you didn't like car, you're doing my thing. I'll have my side of the card on like 19, 20 degrees. I mean, Mrs. Lovett on 28. All right, okay.

Starting point is 00:18:13 So you have to stop being a mental if you've got a passenger. If you're driving on your own, you've got your car to yourself. You know, I agree with you. If you- I did it on the way here this morning. So if I get the, you know, L1, they do the little car wash, it's 20, 25 quid or whatever,

Starting point is 00:18:28 and then for whatever reason they always unsink it. Charge me 65 quid last week. You paid 25 quid! What did he do? Just clean your wheels. He's got a bigger car. I paid 50 a Christmas and that was in and out with a wash. If one of the guys come home with you, 65 quid's got to be like beyond platinum. I'm just getting them to fucking clean inside and out. What are you doing? 65 quid it was last week for an oil change.

Starting point is 00:18:50 Outside, inside, boot. Wax. And all the leather waxed. Oh right, I've never had the leather waxed. But if honestly, I can't drive the car until they're the same temperature. I think when them men get in your car by the way, they spend 80% of the time trying to make your chair less like it was before. And then you clean it. Have you finished? Yep.

Starting point is 00:19:09 Yeah. I was like, whoever's been sat in this is either three foot tall or trying to fuck with me. Cause it's like that. And then it takes me months to get it back. And then I have to go and get my car cleaned again. I've got an automatic button that goes to my position. And it just goes. Oh, I forgot that. You have a preset. Yeah. And it's like returned to. Wow.

Starting point is 00:19:31 Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's two. So Laura can have one and I can, she's not allowed to drive the car. She fucking can't park. And yeah, women's so good. No Laura. Laura.

Starting point is 00:19:43 She can't drive my car. She can park, but she's not allowed to drive my car. Why? She can just... Nobody is. What does that mean? There has to be such an insane reason. Like I'm dying. Would you let the stick? What? The stick. Yeah. All right. She's a professional driver. Laura's a good driver. She's never had a point. She is a good driver. But when it comes to parking, if we were in my car, for whatever reason, and I wasn't driving, I can't be that, she doesn't know where the curb is, it's scary.

Starting point is 00:20:10 I don't think never having points makes you a good driver. I think being a good driver is getting nine points and never getting banned. Because of the jeopardy. It's getting a yellow in the first minute and staying on the pitch till the end of the game. Never having punks is like that footballer who's really good but never goes to a big club and never plays in a final. It's like there's never been any jeopardy for you.

Starting point is 00:20:33 Like you're just fucking milling through the motions. James Warpshouse. Nine points. James Madison. I'm on six. Nine points would be giving me angina. Like, oh my god. Vagina. Vagina. Like Darren Ben wasn't better than

Starting point is 00:20:46 Didier Drogba was he? He scored more goals. Wow. He did it and it was boring. Drogba scored less goals, but then in a big game. Did he score in every finally played in Vagelsi? Hang on. We went from Laura Park into Didier Drogba a bit too quick. Would she be into Didier Drogba? Laura? Laura? What do you mean? What for Parkin? For sex? I'm not driving with you. For sex? No, I don't think so.

Starting point is 00:21:20 She's racist. She is racist. She hates the Cote d'Ivoire. Did you see Didier turn up to a film premiere? I don't want Didier Jogba to hear. And he always listens to the podcast on 11. I cannot hear. What did he think? It's his number, isn't it? And he turned up to a film premiere looking, looking exactly the same as he did in 2007. Chelsea kids. Samsung are still giving me phones. And he's there with his mistress. He turned up with his mistress. His mistress?

Starting point is 00:22:08 His side piece. Didier Drogba's little bit of ting. So he's allowed it then? And then his wife turns up dressed for the premiere and fucking... Chelsea Awakens? Flaps her dress in the mistress's face and the mistress goes oh and just sort of skulks off and Didier, what a pro, breaks hands with his mistress the wife gets his hand and he it's literally like doesn't matter it's just

Starting point is 00:22:36 a different person just completely rides it out cool as fuck. So I'm guessing that's a it's a allowed situation then. It doesn't look it. It looks like Didier Drogba has got a mistress everyone sort of knows including his wife, but he's just overstepped the mark. I mean like yeah, yeah, Brenda can come to the premiere and his wife's got wind of it and gone no she fucking can't and sort of shoes her away. Can I just say, Did you get an oracle? Do you know in recent years, do you know the stereotype that black men have massive cocks? It's a... Where's this going?

Starting point is 00:23:11 Yeah, that's the way. I think we're already there. We were already there, we're not going anywhere here. That is a stereotype and it is now, despite it being, you know, on paper, a positive thing, like it's seen as like actual racism. Scriminatory. And like when Lukaku played for Man United, there was a song about it, wasn't it?

Starting point is 00:23:32 Like he's got a big dick and whatever. And he was like, I don't like it. It's rooted in the history of like racism. Is that what Romelu said? Yeah. Yeah. Stop singing this song. You're on first name basis with a lot of these footballers by the way.

Starting point is 00:23:45 Me dids and Rom. Romelu's such a good name. I'm not saying this because he's black. I'm saying it because he's Didier Drogba. I think he's got an absolute fucking piece on him and he's got enough cock to go round two women. He's six foot three. Is he?

Starting point is 00:24:01 Six-two. He stopped civil war in the Ivory Coast. You're not doing that with a small cock. With his dick? Yeah. You'd start it with a small cock? Exactly. You don't stop war with a maggot mate? He's got an absolute chopper. He played an African Cup of Nations qualifier, whatever, in Ivory Coast in a war zone. Got his cock out and then they stopped fighting. That's sick. Both sides just like, oh my god, look at it. They're nowhere to aim anymore. Do you think that is a thing then?

Starting point is 00:24:26 Dictators have small cocks and it's them making up for it. Oh, when you see them with the fucking medals and the, it's cute and it's a little dick energy. It's the first half of the world. Yeah, so then Gaddafi's got a maggot. But then Churchill's got a weapon. I hate Elon Musk. I think he's a bellend. I think he's a fucking psychopath. And I think he's, I think he's that line between genius and madness sort of thing.

Starting point is 00:24:46 I think he's just fucking tipped. And like, there's a lot of people who are like, oh, he's not even that intelligent. He's never invented anything. And he's just like bought companies and made himself the face of it. And you know, I'm not well read enough on it. I just get bad vibes off him.

Starting point is 00:24:57 And he looks like he's wearing prosthetics to be a villain in a fucking terrible film that's going straight to Amazon Prime. I think he's a fucking psychopath. And I think he's. I just get bad vibes off him. And he looks like he's wearing prosthetics to be a villain in a fucking terrible film that's going straight to Amazon Prime. He's rumored that he's gonna buy Liverpool Football Club. His dad said he wants to buy it.

Starting point is 00:25:14 I know. Here's the thing, right? Me and Alfie have had this conversation for years. If he buys Liverpool, right? I don't think he should be able to take that away from me. So am I still allowed to go and constantly call him an honorable content, I'm so fucked off.

Starting point is 00:25:31 Yeah. Yeah, of course. Is that how it works? Yes. Yeah. Cause like, obviously like, you know, when your owners are like art owners who, you know, they're not the best people on the planet, but they're not fucking, you know,

Starting point is 00:25:42 the Royal family of Saudi Arabia. It's very easy to laugh at like clubs who end up owned by states and being like, oh, they're doing it the wrong way. They're naughty. You're bad club, whatever. Like, I'm going to lose the moral high ground as a Liverpool fan there. Not that, you know, we've always got the highest ground in the world, but. Yeah, I'm not actually about it. He'll change so much.

Starting point is 00:26:01 I'm really, I hate the idea of it, but I don't want it. A billionaire shouldn't be allowed to come in and take my favorite finger away. He'll pay enough money to go to Tesla Stadium where shareholders are going, yeah, that's too much money for us to pay. I don't think that would happen. I don't think he'll buy it because he thinks there'd be too much pushback anyway. But if he did buy it, he would then go in and he wouldn't be like, yeah, come on. It wouldn't be the Tesla Stadium.

Starting point is 00:26:22 It'd still be Anfield, but it'd be Tesla, wouldn't it? Or SpaceX or whatever. He would change so much. He's a businessman. He doesn't give a fuck about Liverpool. You know his nan's from here, isn't she? She's got loads of family here. Can anyone stop someone buying?

Starting point is 00:26:36 Like, can fans stop? If there's enough of an uproar, yeah. Yeah, but as long as they pass the fit and proper person test from the Premier League. No, not literally, but if the fans come out and go, we're not allowing this. Not easy with a big club though, is it? Not easy with the, I suppose United, look at what happened with the Glazers. You'd hope that the… Was it Raymond Chan? What was he called? The guy? I've got it wrong. What was he called?

Starting point is 00:27:02 The guy who bought Cardiff and was like… Oh, Vincent Tan. Vincent Tan. guy, I've got it wrong, what was he called? The guy who bought Cardiff and was like... Oh Vincent Tan. Vincent Tan. Raymond Chan. Everyone loves Raymond. Chan. Raymond Chan is one of the names on the fake IDs in Friends isn't it? Where Ross and Chandler

Starting point is 00:27:20 come back for Thanksgiving. Oh no it's Roland Chang. I think Raymond Chan is a mate of Dave Perkins who owns The Frog and he was there on New Year's Eve and that's why it's his name. Vincent Chan. But he was like, ah, blue's an unlucky colour in Malaysia. We should change this. We should change the colour.

Starting point is 00:27:38 We should change this to red and black. Their nicknames are Bluebirds and they were a red team with a dragon on the badge. Yeah, that is the height of stinky fucking owners. Chairman Malcolm by ever. No, I couldn't give a fuck. You can come back from the dead. Him, you get a chance. Sponsorship of star and come back and go up the blues and I'd be like, let's go with the boys. There's going to be a billion comments on this episode by the way from all Elon Musk little bots.

Starting point is 00:28:08 I like him. I think he's just, you know, he's the truth and if you can't see it, mad. So there you go. That's what I think about that. Speaking of buying property, I had a meeting with a mortgage advisor this morning. Well, speaking of mortgage. No, that's smooth. Elon Musk buying a property.

Starting point is 00:28:23 Mortgage advisor is a love pill. Buying property. Mortgage advisor's a forerunner. Sam is? Really good lad. Really helping me out. Really good. Meeting. Very informative. Very productive. All this money? You think you buy the house for this much money?

Starting point is 00:28:40 It's this much money and then all the other money, innit? Yeah, it costs money to move into a house you own. There's an application fee from my mortgage provider But you only pay it if you take the mortgage So I've applied and they've gone yeah, we'll give you the mortgage is how much cost by the way when you see how much you actually Pay for your house over the period. Don't look at that No, no, no, no, no that I was like what and he was like, yeah, but that'll come down it also like just it is what it is.

Starting point is 00:29:07 And he's like, yeah, so there's like all these fees. He's like, so there's, you know, a grand for them giving you the mortgage. They get a grand for you. They get a grand for every email they send? They get a grand because they're giving you the mortgage. And I was like, don't they get all the interest and all that?

Starting point is 00:29:21 And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he went, there's a, I think it's 150 pound application fee. And I was like, haven't you already applied? And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he went, there's a, I think it's 150 pound application fee. And I was like, haven't we already applied? And he was like, yeah, and they're gonna give you that. He was like, but like, if you choose to take it out, they then charge you for having applied for the mortgage. What's going on?

Starting point is 00:29:37 You don't have to pay stamp duty. So that's the other- He does have to pay stamp duty. No, he doesn't. I did and it was my first house. And they're now lowering the limit as well to pay him. It's anything above 300, 5%, anything above 300. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee different thing. Oh is it? I thought they should just rebranded it. Stamp duty, isn't it, stamp duty just a way of like, so if you sold your house and bought a new one, that sale would be income, wouldn't it? In terms of like a tax return.

Starting point is 00:30:12 It's the government going, you're buying something, get something. Yeah, but they don't tax you on what you sell a house for. So it's that. It's finding a way to still tax a house sale without it fucking up your income. With the lower end of the threshold as well so i don't know where it is but it's gone below 300 fun game the old stamp duty calculator this shit needs to be taught in schools i don't understand any of what you just definitely needs to be taught in schools all of adulting should be a full fucking lesson should be a college lesson because kids don't give a fuck about poll tax even if whatever stamp duty now it should be taught from reception like like debt should be explained when you're it'd be so

Starting point is 00:30:50 much more useful than kids also don't give a fuck about henry the eighth oh hang on but i did i did that was the best because you cared about some god because he was king when you were in school You care about him because he was king when you were in school. Isn't the conspiracy that they don't want us to know? The system don't want us to know about that and stuff. That's the conspiracy isn't it? Yeah, it's ridiculous and we should all be taught it. The fact that you can turn up at uni and they be like, la la la la la, here's a credit card, you're a student now.

Starting point is 00:31:22 Oh, that'd be good. I'm going to drink the most I've ever drunk in my life. Good that I've got credit for it. Good though. It is exciting. It was good though. This house buying stuff though. And I'm really like, like,

Starting point is 00:31:32 I had like a couple of weeks there where I'd agreed to buy it and was like, should I still have a look at a couple more? And I did look at one more. Like, stay. I did look at one more. And I was like, this is a nicer finish on a bigger house, but it's a bit further away. And I was like, you want to be concerned with the house that I'm buying

Starting point is 00:31:51 is it is a little small. Like if I did ever have a child, I don't, I think I'd have to move if I had a child. You could have a baby in there. I think a toddler. Where's this fucking jar come from? You've got to plough for your future. Are we always planning this? I'm always thinking like, if I'm buying a house, I'm not, I'm like- One step ahead. Yeah, like-

Starting point is 00:32:12 Where are the grandkids leaving? What are a few steps there? Basically if, no, that's like, that's a reasonable thing. Oh, it's very reasonable, I'm surprised. It's just like- You could have a baby in there, but I think like, toddler, like you'd struggle maybe. You could have a, I think you could also have a toddler once the, like, yeah. You need a baby in there, but I think like toddler, like you'd struggle maybe. You could have a, I think you can also have a toddler once the like, yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:27 You need a baby first. I don't know. Yeah. It's all great. It's just, and I also don't know whether I will have kids. The thing is little Vinny is going to be doing his A levels. I need a place for him. So I'm by his remorse is very common, especially on the biggest thing you've ever bought.

Starting point is 00:32:41 Yeah. But I've become really, really excited over the last week or so. And I know what I'm going to do. Like last night I had a little bout of insomnia. I haven't been sleeping very well. And not that I ever do. I started looking at like furniture and stuff and I started like fucking planning it in me head. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:58 Baby gates. Pricing up the baby gates. Yeah. Can I ask a question? You move in, you got your stuff in, everything. You've got the nursery set up. How loud is the first wank? What volume are we going?

Starting point is 00:33:10 You own the property. There's no one coming in. You'll be able to hear it. A nice song. It's a 70. You wanna see me couch? It's a 70. Ooh, slipped this in.

Starting point is 00:33:20 It looks like Paul Ince on a couch. Good luck with that. Oh, I did the best Paul Ince last week and one person noticed it. It did my head in. Which one? How quick are you doing it? I edited him onto the Die Hard poster

Starting point is 00:33:31 and no one noticed. It's a bastard, isn't it? Bastard. I can't see it. That's engineer. Go on. Right, we're going to look at couches in the break. Enjoy this little advert for Hugh.

Starting point is 00:33:46 Maybe Hugh. If you're looking for flexible workouts, Peloton's got you covered. Summer runs or playoff season meditations, whatever your vibe. Peloton has thousands of classes built to push you. We know how life goes. New father, new routines, new locations. What matters is that you have something there to adapt with you, whether you need a challenge or rest. God, this is a good episode isn't it? But if you only watch the public episodes, you're mad aren't you? You should sign up to our Patreon, it's the biggest in the UK, one of the biggest in the world.

Starting point is 00:34:34 Patreon.com slash have a word pod for us little. Not only do you get extra episodes every single week, you also get early access. You get early access to public episodes. Don't be facetious with the goats. There's plenty of Patreon specials. My favorite one is definitely the Nashville special. Yes. That is good, that.

Starting point is 00:34:56 That's gonna put us an extra 2000 there, innit? Anyway, sign up. Also, Mad Dat Mondays have started, kids. Mad Dat has dropped first episode. Congratulations boys. It is a podcast that Harry and I started where we interviewed the craziest people from around the world. We've just interviewed Chilly Phelps Roper, the matriarch of the Westboro Baptist Church. This week's episode is with Greg Kading, the man who unsolved, unsolved, unsolved, the who unsolved the Biggie and Tupac murders.

Starting point is 00:35:26 He hid all the evidence again. Yeah, we've got Joe Exotic coming up live from prison and others at all. That's a stand up special by the way, Joe Exotic live from prison. You get it for free if you are a Patreon. We literally release it to you early before anyone else sees it. And if you want to come and see us live, Patreons always get first refusal on them tickets. The reason despite not being like, obviously we've got a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot of fans and listeners and stuff, but like we've got so many more Patreons per listener than any other big podcast in the world.

Starting point is 00:36:07 And it's because it's the best value patron on the planet. The amount of extra stuff you get on top of like basically when we started the patron, it was, oh, you like, I moved to this sort of two episodes a week format. The main thing you got for you three pound a month was one episode a week. You now get the patron specials every month. You get early access to Mad that you get the film club that Carl, Harry and Finn do. You get all of that and access to the entire back catalogue for three quid. Now no one ever does this because obviously we're constantly putting new stuff on there. You could sign up for three quid right now, spend the next fucking three weeks

Starting point is 00:36:43 watching the entire back catalog and then, and you'd never, you could then just stop paying for it if you wanted to. But then there will be something else to week after and something else to week after. It's a constant addition to the catalog. It's the biggest for a reason and it's cause we're the fucking best today. I love it when he really cares it's better. Should we do some advice? Yes. I advise you to sign up.

Starting point is 00:37:04 Oh! Shall we do some advice? Yes. I advise you to sign up. I'm here to help. Oh! Here to help solve your problems. I'll tell you the best thing to do. If you want to do it, you'll be fine. If you don't, you might do time. Agony Adam. Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-we Like that. Whoa, like that. Jim says, shaggers, I need your help and suggestions for what to do next. I'm a lecturer at a large

Starting point is 00:37:32 university. Flex. It's decent. Most of the students are sound and we have a level of time. Oh, you fucked them. However, now and again, you encounter some students that harness their inner dickhead and take offense to the wind changing. I received an email from the... Some farting in class, Jim. I received an email from the boss the other day.

Starting point is 00:37:52 Some of the students have found me on social media and have taken offense. My account is locked to muggles, so I knew that they couldn't see my atrocious stories. I replied to ask, what was the problem? It was my username. Apparently, it's inappropriate and causing a stir. At Demonic Jizzrag. If you were in my position what would you change your username to? Love you all lots and that's from Jim. Demonic Jizzrag. I mean can we find them? Jizrag. I mean, can we find them? I can have a look for him like. Yeah. I get it. A bit. If anybody I know has the username demonicjizrag, I'm not their friend anymore. She's not someone

Starting point is 00:38:39 I'm paying to teach me. But then they have gone looking for it. They've gone to, it's like when people go and find something on YouTube and they go gone looking for it. They've gone to, it's like when people go and find something on YouTube and they go this is awful. You're like how did they find it? Can you imagine because when we went to school if you found if you saw the teacher outside school it was the best. Can you imagine now finding your teacher's Twitter or Instagram? Imagine if you were a teacher and one of your students found your porn Twitter. It's over, isn't it? Yeah, it's not ideal. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:11 I don't, by the way, if you're new to the podcast, when I say Dan's got a porn Twitter, I mean, Dan's actually a porn star on the side and Films was often putting on Twitter. In the bottom, 0.2% of only fans. You can't be a university lecturer, was in the bottom 0.2% of only fun. I don't know. You can't be a university, university lecturer, especially at a large university and have the username.

Starting point is 00:39:33 Like they haven't taken offense to it. They found out your names demonic. Just right. It's not like that could be Eastern European. Go on. Talk me through it. Demonic. Jizz rag. Oh, it's names. Jizz rag. Yeah. The names. The names. Rag. No, he's called Jim. You'd have been right if you were like, hello, change your username, mate. Yeah, to like big uni lecturer flex or something. University lecturer, jizz rag. Holly says,

Starting point is 00:40:09 "'Aye lids, was hoping you could give me a little advice. "'Just find out my boyfriend of four years "'has had another girlfriend for the last six months. "'He was saying she's just a friend and all that, "'but I looked on her Twitter "'and she's selling pics of her minge.'" I scroll... Hey, we've all been there. looked on her Twitter and she's selling pics of her minge. I scroll down a bit and saw a video of his cock in her mouth.

Starting point is 00:40:31 I know it's him from his tattoos. Don't really know what to do. I don't want to end it, but I don't know if I can get past it. Y'all think? Is it possible to get over cheated in a relationship? And if not, what's the best way to get him back for being a cunt? He doesn't know. I know. And I don't think she knows about me either. Love, Holly. I'm... What? I don't think he's buying it. You're not buying it?

Starting point is 00:41:08 No! I'm not buying it at all! The man with the tattooed cock is putting videos of it on the internet! No-one will know this is me, having my signature on my balls! What are we talking about? The cock tattooer of Auschwitz? Who's this girl as well? Oh, yeah, I've found out me fella's been fucking people on the internet.

Starting point is 00:41:26 I don't want to end it. She's in love. She's a gob shite. He shouldn't pin his fucking beard so he gets it was cock before he fucks people. So I don't know if he's got tattoos on his cock. Just to, cause I think that would be a given. On his legs? On his body, on his legs.

Starting point is 00:41:44 On his legs? Oh right, okay. He's doing one of them. If he's filming from there. Yeah, which, yeah that would be a good one. On his legs? On his body, on his legs. On his legs? Yeah, and he's doing one of them. She's filming from there. Yeah, which, yeah that was the image I had. Yeah, on his legs. Yeah, he's got a tattoo on his shoulder going, my name's Dave. Where's his camera?

Starting point is 00:41:54 He keeps tearing to it. Oh yeah, she's sucking his dog. Dog? Oh god, I've had an aneurysm. Leave him. He's shagging other women on the internet. Or she could shag another man on the internet. No! Leave him! An eye for an eye!

Starting point is 00:42:08 No! Leave him. A dock for a dock. He's had another girlfriend for six months. Keep saying he's just a friend but then I see his cock in her mouth. What do I do? Buy her minge pictures. Leave her bad review. Yeah, this minge is horrible, meat. Wouldn't buy this if I was you. I use postal only stock exchange. Yeah. Tank and only funds go. This binge is horrible.

Starting point is 00:42:37 Wouldn't buy this if I was gonna. Where's your postman? Is there no reviews? Is there no like class door? I don't think you can get photographs sent to you, can you? Oh, do you like rate my teachers? In the post? Yeah, is there not like a glass door for OnlyFans? This is just fucking unregulated. Oh god. I'm not too good with this, aren't I?

Starting point is 00:42:55 OnlyFans reviews. Surely. There's no review system. There is on Reddit. Oh. Yeah, but if you go onto... That's external. Well isn't the review, isn't how many subscribers

Starting point is 00:43:05 they've got. That is external. Yeah. That's coming into rate your poor seats. Everyone on the best behavior. Reddits are in today. Right. This is an outstanding pussy. Go on. Don't shave that pussy. Just tuck it how you normally tuck it. I'll just be in the corner. This pussy needs improving. Yeah, he sounds... Hollies. Doesn't sound good, does it? No. Doesn't sound good.

Starting point is 00:43:34 He's shagging women on the internet with identifiable tattoos. Shagging women on Twitter. Yeah. Who'd do that? Leave him. Don't fuck him. What should I do? Do you know what? I'll ask the boys. You might have watched this.

Starting point is 00:43:47 You might have watched it. Yeah. I might have liked it. The boyfriend keeps having gang bangs on Twitter. What do I do? What do I do? My best was when I retweeted a Rob Thomas clip from my porn account. No!

Starting point is 00:44:00 You lucky swat! And you noticed? I left it. No one noticed. I left it logged in to the porn Twitter and then just wandered off. Was he on your For You page? Rob Thomas was like, hey, can you share this clip? And I was like, oh, fuck's sake, Rob. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just clicked on the link, shared it without even looking at what profile. So just for a few minutes.

Starting point is 00:44:20 On your porn Twitter, have you got a profile picture of you? No. It's an egg. It's you? No. It's an egg. It's you with hair. It's the limb. I've just had deja vu there. I think we've done that exactly before. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:31 Um, what's your profile picture? I love sharing content. It's Rob Thomas. Is it just an egg? Yeah, I haven't put a picture. All right. Have you got any followers? I've got three or four, yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:42 Do you follow? What? Do you follow people, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you follow? What? Do you follow people here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you follow more people on your porn account than real? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you follow Harry on it yet? I think it would be a bit annoying if I followed Harry

Starting point is 00:44:57 on my porn account and not my real one. I'll take anything that is real. Can you follow one of us? In the break today, can we finally see it? Yeah, please. No. Yeah, the likes are private now, can we finally see it? Yeah, please. No. Yeah, Dan likes the private now, so unless you're retweeting, we can't see anything.

Starting point is 00:45:10 What could possibly be on there? My preferences. Oh no, wait. Dan, are you one of them who replies, going, good morning, baby, that asshole looks wonderful this morning. I spell it wrong as well. Are you one of them?

Starting point is 00:45:22 This is good pussy. I just texted Lorna. Oh, baby, getting in the shower without me. Look at that pussy. I'd like to suck them tits. Do you reply? I've got that copied so I can just paste it. I love those reply guys you know. Like genuinely do you know if I'm hungover and like on my for you page like a porn lady is suggested to me I do go on their profile and look for the Playa guy sometimes because it just makes me happy. When like, cause the girls all put like engagement baiting content, like questions on it. They'd be like, would you take me out to the cinema? And then this is like, I would as well as you took a picture from down here like that. And they're just being like, I would take you to see any film you want. As long as afterwards I got to bump

Starting point is 00:46:00 your head in. Genetic pack two. You bring the minge, I'll pick the film. You bring the minge? We bring the minge. I brought outside minge in my bag. Hello Rio, don't pick it up for work tomorrow. Big minge energy, is he saying? I want to see it in the intel. What are you doing it off camera?

Starting point is 00:46:26 Dan, what are you doing now? Fucking, like if we're doing it, it's not. Yes! No, we're not doing it. No! You're not! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Come on, mate. We're all mates here. Get that fucking telly on. Get it. You can change the username afterwards. I can't do it. Get the telly on.

Starting point is 00:46:48 We won't. We won't. We'll blur out your username. Get the telly on, shit. I'm sitting over there. We read out my bookmark. Get the telly on. It's not good. I can't. Where's the remote? Get the telly on.

Starting point is 00:46:58 Do you know your username? No, I changed it just in case I got found. At robthomasfan7. It's something to do with Maya Jammer. There's not six of them. Come on. I don't know where the remote is. It's in there. The Gorilla Minj. Go and get it. Oh I've been waiting for this day. No we're not, we cannot. I'll fucking cancel my Vodafone contract. Do you follow yourself on Twitter? Do you follow yourself on Twitter? You fucking do!

Starting point is 00:47:24 He's so good! He does look like him! He's fucking stuck by him! That'd be so good! You do, don't you? Extra follower? Yeah, extra share. Come on, Dan, we'll bleep it out.

Starting point is 00:47:34 We will bleep out your username. Tell us the username. It cannot. Is it like Sebastian or something? This cannot happen. Oh no! Oh, I've got anxiety. You should have. I'm going to want to see you load a fucking... Will you do it? What? Will you do it? I can't...

Starting point is 00:47:50 What could possibly be on this? Unless someone's fucking corpses. Then it can't be as bad as what I think you watch anyway. Oh god. It's not fucking corpses. What? No, no, no, no, no. They are older. Oh god. Oh mate. Oh right, I'll just give you, I'll tell you what, I'm not putting it up, but I will just tell you some of the accounts that I follow, the name of the Twitter accounts that I follow. Let me see. What are you doing? No, no, because you're gonna just read. I won't read them. I will read. Sit back down. This isn't. And your DMs. This is my. Let me see. No, I'll read them out. Go on. Oh God. You got to show me that these are the accounts you follow. Adam grab his phone, throw it to me and I'll go into heighten with it. Oh. Go on. Right the first one is for

Starting point is 00:48:52 Brittio Roman. No, right the first one is Cook Old DNA. One minute let's get these accounts out. Now if they have so many followers we might be able to work out. Right the next one is. How many followers has Cook Hold DNA got? I'll just check, it's got 147,000 They're doing bits I'm on the wrong one The next one is The Real Hot Yoga Wife Oh my god, it's so bad when you read them

Starting point is 00:49:22 One is called Dare To Be Shared And they are, they've got a blue tick so that's official. What's the real hot yoga wife's at? I'm a doggy. Oh yeah she is at blondewife83. She's absolutely terrific. How many followers? She's got 135,000. You into blondes?

Starting point is 00:49:42 Oh no. Oh he's just skipped a, the, Oh no. We just skipped a couple there. Oh no. This one's, this one's called daddy huge. Two one nine eight. Fellas you follow?

Starting point is 00:49:54 Daddy's daddy huge. Do you follow fellas? The next one is called cream pies, cream pies, cream pies. That's just a dessert. Off by your own. Oh dear. Uh. Oh God. Shy wife 28. You didn't say the wife thing, aren't you? Mom's gone bad. You've got a thing for mummies and wives which you've got at home. One's called Juicy Mouths. I've got mummies and wives at home. Shock asses in freezer. The other one's another one's called The Stiffening. Wow. Dan, look this

Starting point is 00:50:35 is really good and all that yeah. Big and white. This is all really good and that yeah. But what we're going to need mate is your ath. Yeah. We'll bleep it fully. I can't give you my app. Just change it. I can't. I can't. I'm not having you rummage. No, you can change it. No, I'm like surprise. I've built a bridge there boys. But that unless you're retweeting stuff, we can't see anything other than who you follow. Oh, you can do you can see likes. No, it's private. What do you want? Username. Do you retweet anything? Like for your followers? Just mad at clips. If you go on my Twitter now and click likes, you can't see what I've liked. You changed it because you got caught liking Paul and Ed liked. He changed it because he got caught like in Poland, didn't he? My at is Maya Jammers.

Starting point is 00:51:27 Let me see. Let me see. True. Because I knew someone would find it. What is it? What is it actually? I'll just spell that. At Maya Jammers.

Starting point is 00:51:43 I've got two followers. Jam as in J-A-M-A-S. Sorry for the audio listeners, but we are uncovering an app. Go on Twitter. I know a lot of people have left Twitter, but this is worth going back on for. Fuck Musk. Oh, he's got nothing, mate. He still only follows 29 people. Oh, God. Oh, Adam sent me a nice thanks Adam.

Starting point is 00:52:06 How does he spell it? Oh that is so underwhelming. It's Jammers M-M-E-R-S. Puffy pink? You follow something called puffy pink? She's good. What's Schneeker's? Thorie Angel. Thorie Angel. Oh she's a bum. Are you a Schneeksman? Oh my god, that asshole can take a fucking beating mate. Dan, I never thought I'd ask this, but why does someone called Wang the Cock Johnson follow you? Oh, he's a mate. What about Linda Jazz? Oh, she's sound, eh?

Starting point is 00:52:39 You follow someone called Goonfuel? Good content. Future sponsor. Moby Thick. Cum Sluts. Wow. Have we said Moby Thick? You're going to get so many followers by the way.

Starting point is 00:52:58 It's Maya as you know. But you're bleeping it out. J-A-M-M-E-R-S. Maya Jammers. I'm going to out. J-A-M-M-E-R-S, Maya Jammers. I'm gonna fucking share it. I can't believe you've got that account, you know. It's useful. It's cum slot's good.

Starting point is 00:53:12 For what? If you're in Bahrain. You're not in Bahrain? Why don't you just use your account? I always think I'm in Bahrain. Why don't you just use your account? I don't want, you know, it's a separate thing. You don't want the, you know, like the Twizz, you know.

Starting point is 00:53:27 I get it. Yeah. You don't want to mess with your algorithm. Yeah. Yeah, also I'd like, I'd have to go through your posts and Carl's and then. Yeah. And you've used this in Bahrain?

Starting point is 00:53:38 Yeah, it's good if they've, if they've got like porn blockers on. What's really interesting about that is this account joined in December, 2021 and you haven't been to Bahrain since then. oh i've got a new phone no yeah no i got a new phone and i didn't know the login details for the old one yeah genuinely what was the art of the old one no that's a dirty one isn't it no genuinely i only changed that because i knew eventually we'd either do this or someone would find it who's's finding my pajamas? That's dad. So I'm deleting that. That's the end

Starting point is 00:54:08 of that. We've had our fun and that's it. You're just gonna make a new one though aren't you? Goodbye puppy pink. Just make a handwritten list of everyone you follow and then follow them again on your new account. Like a nan with a new phone. That's a level of creepy cunt I'm not willing to go to. I don't believe you. What's this all these from your death book, please? What's this list? With my accounts for the end of the year. Who's Wang the Cock Johnson, Dad? It's one of my mates.

Starting point is 00:54:33 Oh, that's Wango from the Ampub. You know Wango. Why has he followed you? What do you do? Do you DM fellas? It's just a bar counting, innit? I think. That's what you would say. That's

Starting point is 00:54:47 what Wang wants me to say. You call him, you bot mate. I call him Wang Johnson. Sounds like Phil Wang's wrestler name. Sounds like an owner of Cardiff. I think this section's done by the way. 21 minutes we've done. Yeah I don't think think you can put that in. What are you? Unless you want to go back and like... LAUGHS Try and be like, this is from an anonymous lady. This is from a guy called Wang the Cock Johnson.

Starting point is 00:55:14 I've got a mate online. He never answers any of my DMs. Go to blue sky. Oh, God. One's time, then. Good God. I'm deleting it. It's going. It's going. Is there a nappy? Is this a crime? No, it's not a crime. Well I don't know, yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:34 I'm deleting it. Hi everyone! Time to tell you about my favourite sponsor, it's Huel! Spell H-U-E-L. Now I'm trying to get healthier this year. I really want to eat better. Same. And if I'm left to my own devices, I eat some rubbish. That's where Huel comes in.

Starting point is 00:55:50 Meal replacement full of vitamins and minerals and it's high in protein because man likes making gains. Wow. You need protein for the gains, don't you? Of course you do. Liverpool failed to replace Emil, so why should you? Heskey. Is that a Heskey? Emil Heskey. Oh, nicely Heskey? A meal Heskey.

Starting point is 00:56:05 Oh nicely done. So with all these amazing flavors we've got chocolate, ice latte, what's that strawberry and banana? Vanilla black edition. Oh mate it just means that if you're trying to eat healthier you don't have to think oh what am I going to have you don't have to be good you just sort of pre-decide to have that as that meals replacement. Hules is where I'm at this year. This one's empty which means someone's enjoyed it. Is it high sugar? No. to have that as that meals replacement. Hules is where I'm at this year. This one's empty, which means someone's enjoying it.

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Starting point is 00:57:40 It's my birthday on Saturday. Happy birthday. Today for the Patreons. Yeah, thank you. Is it? Yeah. And we got you Daniel's sloshes of 33 all right, okay. Okay. How old are you? I'm 34 despite the gray hair. I Take gray. I've said this a million times as long as I don't go fucking bald hundred hundred percent but the problem is like I would I'll keep my... He's wearing a hat I completely

Starting point is 00:58:08 forgot. 100% 100% I'd honestly rather kill myself than know the wind against my scalp. The clothes most laugh. I hope you all get alopecia. You've got a good head shape. I hate my head, mate. Do you? I fucking hate my head. Why? That makes me sad.

Starting point is 00:58:33 You've got handsome heads. Big fucking white thumb of a head. No, I don't. You have a thumb of a head. No. You've got like a little toe of a head. Thanks. You look like a sordid.

Starting point is 00:58:42 There's not as much room for a nail. It's the worst toe. It's the little spazzy one on the end. The one that's been jammed into a girl's shoe and it's like, oh kill me sir. They're the worst toes, they're like, oh god I'm sorry. You look like a white Patrick Fieri. I'll take it. He does. I'll absolutely take that. I command a midfield. I don't want to be the little toe, the little runt of the litter. A white Kante. Got an engine on me. No Kante's got like a big head, his head comes out and round, yours just sort of slopes off.

Starting point is 00:59:20 So happy birthday. You've always looked young though, aren't you? You're starting to like, you were, I think I gigged with you when you were about 18, 19. Do you remember what we did? That guy in the open? I can't remember what it was. It was you, me and Kai Humphreys. One second. You need to be about six inches closer to that microphone. Still. I'm so bad at my professional. You are our benchmark for that by the way. Genuinely. And I'm awful at it everywhere I go. I'm still so bad at my professional. You are a benchmark for that by the way. Genuinely.

Starting point is 00:59:46 And I'm awful at it everywhere I go. I've been doing this job for 17 fucking years and I still don't know that this is what makes my voice like. I always say every time I'm on stage I'm like, this is just, I'm holding this and it's just my natural talent that gets my voice. I'm making a point. Start again. What's the start of this story? The start of the story is, I can't remember where it was me, Dan and Guy Humphreys were

Starting point is 01:00:12 doing a gig somewhere in the, it might have even been near Chester. I feel like we might be doing the Chester gig and this was like a double up the day after or something. And there was another comedian on and none of us had heard of him and we were being horrible, better little pieces of shit. And this is before the days of Instagram and online content. This guy was filming a set. I think he might've been the first. And what we kept doing is when he was on stage. I remember, I remember. Yeah. I remember. Oh my God. I remember. Yeah. But honestly, before he tells his story, it's making us look bad. But if you were there, you'd be like, yeah, do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:51 Because no one was filming gigs and he was doing it in an OCD kind of, I like to watch it back so I can improve. And you're like, shut up. Yeah, it was. And we would be bullies. So he's filming his set and we all just take turns looking up different porn in front of the camera. He's watching it back later on. He's like, I actually killed it. Is that too black guys? So now a lot of people are filming and there's no like,

Starting point is 01:01:25 I hear some older comics go, oh, for fuck's sake. You're like, anyone who's whinging like that needs to get with the times because that is how it's gonna be now for obvious reasons. But there was a period where someone would turn up and this wasn't like a digital, this was like a VHS and it was to watch it back. There was no posting online.

Starting point is 01:01:42 It was VHS. No, but I mean, But it was a fucking camcorder. It was a camcorder. And obviously there was no mic set up on the stage. So the microphone was on the camera. And if you wanted to be a real dick about it, you could just stand near and go,

Starting point is 01:01:56 that's a great bit. Oh, new clothes are there. Fire. Like to just totally, just to really get in someone's head. Not even, they don't even know it's happened because they're on stage. They watch it back. Still going. Do you know them? I couldn't tell you who it was. I haven't seen them since. I don't think I've.

Starting point is 01:02:15 I don't think they've ever been paid to do stand up. Yeah, it wasn't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they were on Mac, Bill. How are they on Mac, Bill? But this is, I mean, this is over a decade ago. It'll be an unpaid 10, won't it? Yeah, unpaid 10, yeah. Let's hope so.

Starting point is 01:02:30 It wasn't Paul Smith, was it? Yeah. Yeah, good one, Ginge. Yeah, what's his job? I used to love doing stuff like that. Oh, man, look, I now as a mature adult realised like all the awful fucking like bullying stuff when you're younger and you don't realize it's bullying.

Starting point is 01:02:48 You realize you don't do it anymore. But there is a certain level of joy. That's good bullying. That's good bullying. There's good bullying, there's bad bullying. You want people to get home and be like, oh, you fucking cunts, that's good bullying. Going home and being like, fuck those cunts,

Starting point is 01:03:03 I'm gonna kill myself. Bad bullying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good bullying. That is a fact. Yeah home and being like, fuck those cunts, I'm going to kill myself. Bad bullying. Good bullying. That is a fact. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a line. You want them to laugh and go,

Starting point is 01:03:10 you knobheads. You know, I'm the white cante. We can all laugh about that. Get that on the trailer. Oh, jeez. Do you know what I mean about your head though? Let it go. Let my head go. Is there any, is there any part of you that wants to? We're going to do it again. Go on, say it. I know we've done it. No, I'm not allowed. I'm medically not allowed. Say it. Well, cause my, one of

Starting point is 01:03:41 my best friends, I've said to Ryan Collins several times, I will pay for it myself. Like I wanna. I love you tell this guy, Squall. Oh God. Every fucking week. This is three weeks in a row, this is Squall. And it is my fault for bringing it up again. We got offered a free hair transplant

Starting point is 01:04:01 in exchange for promotion on the podcast for Dan from a company in Manchester that does it. You don't want to do it in Manchester. That's mental. Well he's officially too bald for the hair transplant. You're the car. Clip it again. Let's put it out again. Let's see if it goes viral twice. You're the car that we buy any car won't buy. You've got a skateboard of an head. One time. You're the car that we buy, any car won't buy. LAUGHTER

Starting point is 01:04:25 You've got a skateboard, haven't you? The closest I'm going to get to hair is like shaving Wallace and gluing it on. That's how. Don't shave him. I won't, they're too pretty. Oh, can't they be? My friend who's... Your head looks like my dog. My friend who's in our com, who came to the roast, my guest at the fucking roast, I always would take him to music festivals as my plus one, just because he was the most fun

Starting point is 01:04:47 and he was the best plus one in the world. Like the first music festival I ever took him to, on day four, he brought out chicken burgers that he'd been marinating for the four days, had a barbecue, he'd had fruit on ice for four days, so on the Sunday he'd get us like fucking Pimms on day four of a festival. He's the greatest plus one in the world.

Starting point is 01:05:06 I love him to bits, his name's Craig Adam, he's the tits. One festival, we are just beyond hungover and sad on the last day we get the fucking ferry back from Best of Old, we're getting this horrible fucking bus back up home. We stop at a service station, we sit down, just having coffee in Red Bull, trying to just bring any joy back into our life.

Starting point is 01:05:24 And he excuses himself to go to the toilet and then comes back in and he'd spent almost 150 quid, I think it was, on this custom shape to his head wig of like real human hair that looked so genuine. And he just sat down beside us, didn't say anything. For two minutes, we thought he was just some random old fucking lady, right? I cannot express to you how much joy it brought us. He refused to acknowledge it. He just went to the toilet, came back with a full fucking mop head.

Starting point is 01:05:55 This isn't the last day of the festival. This is the festival's finished and you are going home. He's had this in his bag for four or five, and also by the way, it must've been serenely packed. Like there was, it was not out of place. Like it was just, it was almost like the Lord Farquaad here, which is so he looked like a literal bellied. And this is just that he didn't bring out the festival. He didn't wear it to any of the fuck. This was just to make us laugh in a car park. I think you're being very generous there. Like maybe you're right, but I think also maybe he went for the shit and was like, fuck the wig. How did best of all that make any money? It was apparently it was great. I'll wait. You had to go all

Starting point is 01:06:40 the way to the bottom of the country and then get a ferry. I went to the Isle of Wight festivals at the same thing. I don't think so. No, I don't know. Oh weird, two festivals on one tiny island. Well man, they had the weirdest, most eclectic lineup I'd ever been when we did festival. Friday was Fatboy Slim, Saturday was Snoop Dogg,

Starting point is 01:06:58 and Sunday was Elton John. That's pretty cool. It was hot, pretty cold. Pills on the Friday, weed on the Saturday and for Elton John we were like, should we just take acid? Has anyone got a wig? That sounds class. It'd be poppers for Elton John. Yeah. It'd feel right. You'd suck off a man for Elton John. Yeah. Man, when your voice is that good and you can finger piano that well, I'll suck off a bloke in your honor.

Starting point is 01:07:27 And that's what he wants, you know. Yeah, yeah. That's how they get you. Is he voyeurism? Is that what it's called? Yeah. Is that cuckolding because it's his part of the... Yeah, yeah, no, he likes watching, doesn't he? Yeah, he doesn't like fucking. He likes watching people fuck. So he'd just have like gangbangs in his house, but he'd just be there with his fucking...

Starting point is 01:07:43 Oh man. Wait, wait, wait, where have you heard that from? Huh? have like gang bangs in his house, but he'd just be there with his fucking. Oh man. That's where we've heard that from. Huh? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we don't do that because he might've heard it from his own thoughts. Listen, we're not into fact check. I'm correct. That's absolutely a hundred percent. That's the total like, oh, well, if you want a, if you want a good, unfact checked one, but one that's, I have had it confirmed true by somebody who used to work at the business that's involved in this.

Starting point is 01:08:14 I will have to keep all names out of it, but you all know who I'm talking about because I know there is a British celebrity who, when authoring their autobiography, sent it through to their publishing company. The intern sent it out to people from the press just being like, hey, it's this well loved person. They've just sent through the first draft of their autobiography. Obviously don't quote anything in it, don't talk, but we just want to build buzz so that you start promoting that they're, it's very exciting that they're writing

Starting point is 01:08:46 this thing. And then this intern then starts reading the autobiography, the first draft. And they get to chapter seven, which is about how this well-loved and adored British celebrity lost their virginity to and continued into their twenties, having sex with their sister. And the reason that they wanted to write about this in their autobiography is because they

Starting point is 01:09:13 wanted to get rid of the stigma surrounding it. So this intern reads this and goes, oh no, oh no. Like they have to go to the top of this company, who then go to these two people from the press and be like, you will not get a single book or anything from us in the future unless you sign this NDA immediately, saying that you will never talk about this again. And they're like, yeah, absolutely fine.

Starting point is 01:09:42 They then have to bring this beloved British celebrity into a room with several lawyers who're like, yeah, absolutely fine, fine, fine. They have to bring this beloved British celebrity into a room with several lawyers who are like, hey, not only can this chapter not be in the book, you are never, ever, ever allowed to talk about this publicly again. And this person was like, this doing that, I did fact check. And this is from the Daily Star. Elton John says, watching all G saved his life. Just for clarity, it's not Elton John's biography, okay? It's not Elton John's biography.

Starting point is 01:10:29 It isn't. He's right, it's not Elton John's. You've got a choice of cameras. How did watching Orges save his life? Because he was going to get a flight on nine 11. He's credited the fact that he was never into fucking that much. Um, but he's, he never got HIV and that's why I think saved his life. That crossed my mind as a joke to say there and myself says to her when she went, that's really awful, they've said that. Gay people.

Starting point is 01:11:07 The fact that Elton John's like, I don't have AIDS because I'm not a real fan. It's wild. There's another story, I don't know if you can find it. He was watching an orgy on the beach and the tide coming and took him out. And he was about to drown but he grabbed onto the biggest cock he could find and that's how he survived.

Starting point is 01:11:30 Honestly, until the last sentence I believed everything he said. He was watching an orgy and there was a house fire but someone jizzed so much they put the flames out. It's so good. And he managed to slide down their cock like a fireman. Still, he's never actually touched the cock during an orgy as well. Take me ashore. You might get a heat. Well, that's a test, isn't it? That first 10 minutes. Injecting dark humour, Elton added, the only problem was that I was incredibly house proud and they didn't know I was having sex on the snooker table with me shouting, make sure you don't come on the base. I'm

Starting point is 01:12:18 guessing that's a part of the table. That would punch the atmosphere a bit. Didn't want people jizzing on a snooker table. Oh, I'm telling you right now, if I get to the point of being in the Illuminati, and we're all having a big gangbang about mine, no one's going on the fucking snooker table on that beautiful felt. You're not getting jizz out of that. We've got marble kitchen tops specifically for this reason. Exactly, it's wiped down.

Starting point is 01:12:40 It wipes clean. Cheese is a very resistant thing. For absolute clarity, you say that, that autobiography is not about Elton John. We would never ever slander Elton John. We would never say anything to respect the great Elton name. Or Ed Sheeran. We have done that. Horrendously. Have you had a bit of time off?

Starting point is 01:13:06 Yeah. Are you a man of comedic leisure? So we managed to get him for the fucking roast, mate. Nice. Is that your first writing work for a while? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was exciting. I've been off since May last year from stand-up,

Starting point is 01:13:22 and then I had a couple of things in my diary which were creativity-wise, kept me going. And the roast was one of those. And yeah, you were one of the sort of top two listeners. It was you and Hattie wasn't it? Like everyone was like Schloss and Hattie nailed this. The genie, the genie joke. Yeah. Yeah. That was fucking a Mark Nelson line. Cause I always mark for me is just cause he's not only is he such a good gag writer, he's also so good at just like helping you like trim the fat of bits. So because I was doing the roads, I said I'd written so much stuff. I sent him like through shipping, like, right, which of these are the best? I've been looking at

Starting point is 01:14:08 them for fucking too long. And he was like, I like this one. I like this one. I like this one. He goes, Oh, and by the way, you can have this. And I was like, what? That's fucking straight in. So yeah. You know what's mad as well? And you know, there'll be people watching. It'll be like, well, they're both Scottish. Adam. That's not what I mean. I can hear him saying it. Yeah. Like, what I mean. I can hear him saying it. Yeah. Like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:27 It's a Nelson gag, there's no fat on it, unlike Nelson who has plenty of fat on it. Warm him up. He's a fucking killer, isn't he? Oh, he's unbelievable. He's like, because of his fucking mental health issues, he's got such low belief in himself. He's been one of my favorite comedians

Starting point is 01:14:44 since I was 19 years old. Yeah. Like when I first got to gig with him in Scotland and he was headlining, like for me that was bigger than fucking Bridges headlining. Cause you know, even I think fucking Bridges like respects Nelson to the degree. Cause he's just such a good gag writer. He's a comics comic who also absolutely kills in the room. That's a, that's a, that's a rare breed that it's not a comics comic who like, yeah, bombs here, but comics like it. Yeah. Comics love it and respect it. There should be two awards. There should be the comics comic and there should be the London comics comic. And we all know what the difference between those

Starting point is 01:15:21 two things. One of them is good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I did with Mick Berry recently and he was like, he was talking about, he was on a bill in London and apparently the crowd were great. Absolutely nothing wrong with them. It was like a charity night. And one of the acts, the London acts was like, oh, they're not great tonight.

Starting point is 01:15:42 They're not great. Not very bright. I might have to do my glee set. And that was there like, you know, like break glass in case of thick but use the glee, but the glee, one of the best gigs in the land, a proper comedy club. Yeah. And apparently Mick was f**king fuming and he told me the story and like the other comic in the room was like, have you heard this? And he was like yeah you've already told me Mick. So Mick's got me seething about this. Like I get it I used to play Junglers and if it was a rough gig you can be like you have to do that sort of like just dumb it down smash it out but when the glee is being used like a great gig is being used as that example, what fucking gig is your usual gig? Are they just sitting there going, just saying anything?

Starting point is 01:16:27 Tuesday at the Bill Murray. Do you mean the funny set? Yeah, the glee was like when I got my fucking five, in fact, me and Nelson actually got our first glee spots on the same night doing 10 minutes and this is, I mean, it must have been about 18, 19. My dad drove us both down to Birmingham, like in the afternoon to watch us both do a 10 minute set and then drove us both home and then went to work the next day.

Starting point is 01:16:50 Which must've been weird for Nelson while I slept in the back and he just had to stay up and have conversation with my dad in the passenger seat. But I... Yeah, I think your dad was really the first time I gigged with you. Yeah, yeah, or my mum.

Starting point is 01:17:03 You need chaperoning. Were you that young? When I was 17, my mum bought me a fake ID because I'd been turned away from one comedy club. And it was a shit fake ID. Like, it was borderline. She wrote, I am 17 with a backwards seven on a better paper and a fucking drawing of me.

Starting point is 01:17:18 You don't want that on a fake ID. I am 17. That's why it didn't work. Yeah, you're young if you need a note from your mum to get in a venue. Yeah, yeah. The stands were cool. The stand let me in. They were like, he's just not allowed to drink and we were like, yeah, that's okay. But then I came. Yeah. I mean, I passed my test when I was 18, but my, my, my dad up. For him, it was just so exciting to like get to go around the country and like watch other communities.

Starting point is 01:17:49 Like he would always, he would never be in the green room with me, he would always be at the back of the room watching like you and fucking Nelson and Ferry and whenever we were on. Like my dad was more buzzing than I was when I got the comedy store for the first time. It's fucking cool thing to be someone to get into. It's sick, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:18:04 I remember on the age thing, I was there in a comedy club a while back and I was comparing and there was a lad in and he looked really young and he had a pint and I was like, you old enough? And he's like, yeah, I'm off for my birthday, lad. I'm off for my birthday, 18th, 18th, 30th. And I was like, oh, happy birthday.

Starting point is 01:18:20 And he went, is it today? And he went, no, it's tomorrow. And the whole room go ooh. And the security at the back, I was like, you just get out, just go, go, go. And in the interval they had to kick him out because the venue were like we're filming it. There's 250 people here and if any of them grassed themselves a licensing that we've let a 17 year old drink with foot he's fucked himself. Yeah. Just be a better liar and he'd have been fine. We didn't ID him. Just like leave him where he is.

Starting point is 01:18:45 You shouldn't have given him that line of cocaine in the toilet. That was the bit that got him fucking chatting. Self snitching. How were the green rooms at that point when you were 18? Or was it even younger than that? It's 17, 18. Man, most of it, don't get me wrong.

Starting point is 01:18:59 I'm sure that like behind the fucking scenes, like when I wasn't in the room, people might have been saying like bad stuff about me. I found- Oh, I was whinging. Oh, I was like, how old is he? He's been signed. And then you watch him and go, yeah, he's good.

Starting point is 01:19:15 Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like it wasn't, there was no one. No, I never, I never ever felt like, I felt so, it was a big fear of mine that I was gonna be fucking like left out and ignored. But like everyone was just such a natural fucking mentor. Like everyone really wanted, cause I think as well, cause I like really loved stand up. Like not only would my dad be watching every act, I would always be out in the audience watching the

Starting point is 01:19:36 fucking comedians on after me. Cause that's how you, you learn. So I think like, you know, and this was also before I definitely wasn't part of my generation of comedians who some of them use standup as a stepping stone to something else, which I think, I fucking hate those kinds. People that are like, I'm gonna do standup to become a TV presenter. And you're like, you're not a fucking standup man.

Starting point is 01:20:00 No, no, because this is the best bit. Like what we do, stand up is the best it gets. Like there's no more sort of freeing individual self like self police it. Like you get to say what you want. You get to fix, change it exactly how you want when an audience doesn't like it. Everything you could possibly want as a creator,

Starting point is 01:20:23 stand up gives you instant feedback, an audience that literally decides whether it's good or bad, such a like, like a personal relationship with thousands of people at once. And to be like, I'm gonna just do that for a bit until T4, let me do the Monday morning. Yeah, yeah. Oh, blow your head off.

Starting point is 01:20:39 I'm gonna do this so that I can become an actor. I'm like, fuck off, man. Like my art is not like fucking gateway to your fucking, your fucking art. Yeah, but you were so young. Like I think Teesside Uni might've been the first time I ever gave you that. And I remember thinking, how fucking old is he?

Starting point is 01:20:57 He's really fucking, and then you just watch and go, that's, he's good. Jack Whitehall, when he turned up in Manchester, was still at Uni and was like, there was like rumors that he'd already been signed and he was, they lined him up for this and that. And that had a, there was like whinging behind the scenes. And then you watched him and went,

Starting point is 01:21:18 oh, he's really fucking good. So that one thing, as soon as you've got that on stage, I think anyone who keeps like, fuck off, you can do it. He can do it and that's all you need. I also think it's so funny that like this Northern Club comic, it was like 50 or whatever, catches wind that a young Jack Whitehall has turned up and already has all these TV deals.

Starting point is 01:21:40 And they're whinging as if like, they were number two on the list. They've been jumped. The phrase, can he close the frog, is a phrase that we're used to and I've parried it since because I think it's so fun. Can he close the frog? You're like, no I don't think he needs to, you know, because he's got the Perrier newcomer. I think he'll be alright. I think she'll be fine. Yeah. But there was that inclusive that well done. You know, both. Thank you very much. Yeah. There's just that whole thing. It's not an Olympic like team selection where it's not about, it's just, that's how the industry works. Nick

Starting point is 01:22:18 Cody always just have a good one, which is like, he's one of the least like jealous or better comedians I know in the fucking industry and always has been. Because whenever he sees anyone else getting like more successful, he's like, it's the UFC when in a different weight division. Like I don't care if like the sketch group becomes super fucking famous. I'm not in competition with a fucking sketch group. Right. I don't care if they're not a close one. I love you Nick. Sorry. If somebody's doing fucking sensitive stuff, if somebody's doing dead dad shit, if somebody's doing favorite stuff, someone's been silly. Someone's a fucking clown. He's like, we're different weight divisions. We can give a shit. Yeah. And also to get that negative, that jealousy and all of that bitching out

Starting point is 01:23:01 of you, like the sooner you can do it. Like I got a bit older and went, oh, that's never how you want to be. I think it was me being young and naive that even like entertain those conversations. You get to a point where you're like, it doesn't matter. And that's so bad for you. Not only your reputation, you don't want a reputation as like, oh, he like cunts everyone off.

Starting point is 01:23:20 But also it's terrible for you to start looking at how other people are doing and feeling robbed of your chance. Just get on with your stuff, be fucking great. off. But also it's terrible for you to start looking at how other people are doing and feeling robbed of your chance. Just get on with your stuff, be fucking great and things will happen. Especially now. Yeah. Like if you're, if you're not getting anywhere now, you're not trying. Like you can, you can absolutely work your way into a fan base now. And it takes a lot because there's fucking thousands of us all trying to do the same thing.

Starting point is 01:23:48 And whilst I think there's a, it doesn't feel to me like there's a finite amount of like opportunity out there. I think we can all share. And it's a big thing with us with this show is like, we want our mates on, we want to drag people up and we want to do whatever we can to shine a light on the people we love and we think are brilliant as well.

Starting point is 01:24:06 I think there's enough audience to go around, but where it does become challenging is the amount of content comics are putting out. If I go on Instagram now and swipe three or four times, I'll probably get two standup clips or crowd work clips or whatever. So there's a lot of competition in terms of trying to get people's attention with content.

Starting point is 01:24:24 But if you are consistently great at it, it will get watched because it will find the people it's meant to find and you can just work your way into a fan base. Or if you get creative and come up with an original vehicle, look at Finn Taylor, like Josh Q. Look at fucking Troy Hawk. Yeah, exactly. Like fucking Milo. You don't even have to. Fucking sleeper agent for 12 years. Yeah, exactly. It doesn't have to be more clips or content. Come up with something different. Milo's a fucking brilliant example of that. All of a sudden I'm seeing my mate go from standing outside a Wilkinson's. Like that felt like that was two years ago. And then like two years later he's the formula one and he's giving shit to Oscar Pistorius.

Starting point is 01:25:06 Not Oscar Pistorius. Whoa. I mean, he's a Pistori. No, no, no. Welcome to prison, sir. Give him shit. He's a man. No, and then, shoot off Pistori.

Starting point is 01:25:17 Pistorius is also out. Oscar Pistorius. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You've just got Oscar Pistorius and Heather Mills mixed up, haven't you? Yeah. Yeah. That makes me feel better. just got Oscar Pistorius and Heather Mills mixed up, haven't you? Yeah. Yeah. That makes me feel better.

Starting point is 01:25:28 I thought Oscar Pistorius was driving for McLaren this year. That's one thing. Heather Mills, which you can't break. Which leg is it? Who's done more damage to women, Oscar Pistorius or Heather Mills? Who do you think just the... Just the goods.

Starting point is 01:25:41 Who's negatively affected? Everything, it's close in it. Like it's debatable. Isn't he out of prison? No, so he got found not guilty and then was on house arrest and then got... Oh, but you know how dangerous he is in a fucking house. He said he'd keep him out of my house. Then he got reconvicted and put back into prison for a long time. Okay. So we were like,

Starting point is 01:26:07 hang on. What? And they were like, oh yeah, you did kill someone. In my head, he always wears the blades. Is he still in house arrest? House arrest. Yeah. Mental. Till 2029. I obviously he's got like prosthetics and everything, but I, if I think of us, it's with the blades. Yeah. As in? Has he got fake legs? It's not just the blades? No, yeah, those are just for running. He's got like his walk around the home, kill your wife legs. And then he's got... Where are me wife killing legs?

Starting point is 01:26:33 Babe! Where are me wife killing legs? Why do you keep calling them that? Why would I tell you? They've got really good grips. For the kickback of the gun. Where are me date night legs? You can't wear the blades on like a walk around the park.

Starting point is 01:26:54 You can wear them in prison. They're too springy. They'd have to raise the fritz. I always felt like the springy legs runners, they were, why were they also not doing the fucking odd job? That seems mental. Maybe they were though. Yeah, to be fair, I didn't watch the pilot because I don't know what I'm fucking talking about. Maybe they were. What's the story? What is, I mean, I know house arresters, but what does it entail? Cause it, is it just

Starting point is 01:27:19 you at home? You can't go out. Is that- You can go in your garden. Yeah, you're grounded, but you're grounded by the government. But is it that simple? He can go in the garden literally. He's not allowed a front door key. But you got a boss house. What? He must have a belted house. Yeah. Like he's got a gym and a pool. That's why people protest about it. He's got to live with his uncle. That's what he says. Is it an uncle that touches him? Because that's the only way it's justice. It's not a thing over here, is it? There is no house arrest over here. That's not part

Starting point is 01:27:46 of our judicial system, is it? I don't think you can get, can you? South Africa, you can be on tag over here. Can't you? Is that, is that the same thing? Yeah. You gotta be in your house by nine o'clock or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. We obviously can't. He'll just take his tag leg off. It's untagged leg. Like he's been in the houseag leg. I can see him at the cafe. Someone's just shot to a cupboard in a McDonald's. He's wearing the legs. Start the day. How you mean to go on? You just can't leave the house like the front door.

Starting point is 01:28:20 Well some house arrest is like, you can go out in the morning for a bit. Don't mean you know, you can go out for a bit and then you've got to get back. It's gardens probably a park. Yeah. Totally. So is it what? Is it just, is the tag connected to your router and you can't go like more than four weeks away from it? It'll be GPS basically. GPS, GPS, yeah. So there's a, so there's a murder of satellite just, yeah, all right. Yeah, it is though, yeah.

Starting point is 01:28:42 Yeah, cool. Good satellite chat. This feels like, it feels like house arrest was way more of a fucking punishment before COVID, because like back then McDonald's were like, under no circumstance are we delivering, you'll fucking find a McDonald's. Then COVID happened and McDonald's were like, all right, we'll find a way to get it to you, you fat fuck.

Starting point is 01:28:58 Now, his life changed while he was in prison. Like under house arrest, there was one period before COVID where it was shite, nobody delivered. Now you can get a fucking PlayStation five to your house within two hours. Oh yeah, house arrest. He's not missing out on much, is he? Nah.

Starting point is 01:29:12 Really? Well, I mean, imagine his dating scenes over, Tinder, Tinder stuff. Yeah, come to ours. You're a really bad person to talk about this stuff. So I think the point- Because if you got like convicted and- I'd be like, can I stay in that?

Starting point is 01:29:25 I'd love being at home. You only love being at home because it's an option though. As soon as you get told, you'd fucking hate it. So I think the point, so we've done this before. I think the points of jail is to remove someone's freedom. I think the punishment is you can't see your loved ones and stuff. There's all the ones obviously, but if his jail is where he lives, I don't think there's any punishment there really. Because you can still get people to his house I'm guessing.

Starting point is 01:29:52 It's a rich person prison privilege isn't it really? Yeah. Yeah. There's no black guy under house arrest in fucking South Africa. I can tell you that much. Yeah he's so privileged privilege, millionaire privilege. You know what I was thinking recently, right? Is there any rule, another way that I could just visit and I was in a prison and outside of that there's no visitors, right? Is there any rule against like Oscar Pistorius standing right against a fence

Starting point is 01:30:18 at like Walton Nech and me standing on the other side and we just shout over it? It's not a fence, it's a brick wall and it's quite thick as well. Yeah, but you can hear it. Like if you drive past Walton Prison, they're all playing basketball. You can hear them. Do you know how often? Alright lads, I'll tell you that then! Yeah, you well?

Starting point is 01:30:35 You can't? Cops outside like good? Yeah, probably there will be. What, like I'm not talking to them, I'm just shouting. Then you go to a medical prison. Well, if you were to just with a fucking drone, just put one phone on that on FaceTime, fucking fly that over to them,

Starting point is 01:30:53 have it hovering there while they're in. Cause then you're not breaking into jail, you're just FaceTiming in. I think that's, there's a lot of laws around drones though, isn't there? I think they wouldn't be like, do you know what? That's Slosser's drone, that's can't touch that. Yeah, that's basically the original,

Starting point is 01:31:06 not touching you, not touching you. People put drugs in tennis balls and throw them over the walls. Fucking the amount of coked up dogs there must be. Just shag one. Just fucking blast them. Imagine devastated, you're just fucking be like, I cannot wait, this. Can I throw this?

Starting point is 01:31:25 Is this guy going to throw the coke over to me? Can I be fucking dead as well? Just a golden retriever. Just straight like, no! That's why you can't show Cliff Richard off at Wimbledon. It's just charled off his head. Gives them a. I'm singing. Allegedly. What have you found there? He's allowed out. He's allowed out to do what he wants pretty much. He's just got to be on the, he's got a curfew. He's not allowed to drink alcohol or drugs and a parole officer will can check on him at any random time. Right. So it's like he's at the fucking Olympics again. He can't drink. He can't do drugs and he gets tested every now and again. So it's

Starting point is 01:32:02 exactly like he's talking about the fucking. So he's not in jail. You could walk past that fella in the street, couldn't you? I mean, you wouldn't recognize him. No, no, no. He's aged a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Guilt will do that to a man. He's just out. He's in jail.

Starting point is 01:32:19 No, he's not in jail. He's on house arrest. He's done the jail bit. Mad. Yeah. He's been released because they're like, you haven't got a wife anymore, you're going to shoot now. So if you're on house arrest and you have a person that could call in at any time, but you're allowed to be out at any time, how does that work? No, I'm guessing they can check where he is at any time. Where do you now?

Starting point is 01:32:41 He's only allowed a certain distance from his uncle's gaff. From his uncle's gaff? He's where he's staying now. He's living with his uncle. He's only allowed 17 bounces from his uncle's gaff. It's an odd choice to go to your uncle's because why, should he, he's got the bigger house. Maybe it's his uncle's house, in your uncle's name. It can't be your house. No, your uncle owns this.

Starting point is 01:33:02 Go ahead. In a weird house, I rest there. You can go to any house you want, not yours. You know what happens when you're in your own house. Bang, bang, bang. That is the way to do house arrest. You're under house arrest, right? But we're going to spin this fucking wheel. And that's whose house you're staying at. It's like the worst version of like the French exchange, shouldn't it? High school. You're like, sorry, man. You've got a convicted murderer coming in. Seven year old off to Paris and you will get an Oscar. Oh no, the seven year old is going to hard prison and

Starting point is 01:33:37 they're going to be like fucking currency in there. But Oscar gets to do FIFA career mode with you for a couple of months. A conjugal is it that is that the right word is that but Oscar It's not a dick and dash mate. It's not a caravan in my head. It's a caravan. No, she they have like a fuck room. What were like candles and shit? No. Oh, they have like a fuck room and they're like, right, you go on the fuck room for the night. Your wife's in there and you get to stay over for a night. What are you basically?

Starting point is 01:34:15 Do you know this? Was it an episode of The Good Wife? Spitting. Man, there's also there's there legally just for health and safety reasons, there's cameras in those rooms. Yeah, there are. No, no, no. There's no fucking way that they're letting a fucking convicted, even with his wife, letting

Starting point is 01:34:33 a fucking convicted prisoner in, just in her room alone. Yeah, because drugs are going from biff to bumhole, aren't they? Yeah. Maybe, maybe the only reason he's... I think they say it's your wife's asshole or something, or whatever. That's worse than filming! That's worse than filming! It's a busy afternoon for her, isn't it? You were like, no, there's no way they'd be as intrusive enough to watch you through the cameras while you're fucked their way.

Starting point is 01:34:56 They're not monsters. They have had three men plough through our fucking asshole and go up our cunt to check for kettle. They were thorough about that seven minutes before you went in there, but they're not watching. They're not beasts. They've got to be watching. They just hire Elton John. Save my life. Your wife's in there mate, don't worry about it, I was out and John in the corner. He's working! They've got a vape in here. They've got a sniffer Elton.

Starting point is 01:35:32 What? A sniffer Elton. Sniff, shabubble, anyone. Can you Google that? Because I don't believe him. What am I Googling? What I just want to contact you to go visit, like an RV or one. It feels very America. That girl's just been put in prison hasn't she? The prison officer who fucked her. She's just got three screenwriters.

Starting point is 01:35:49 He's gay, by the way. For sex? Yeah. Do you know what we're talking about? No. So last year, a video went viral on the WhatsApp groups. Yeah. It was a female prison officer at Wandsworth prison.

Starting point is 01:36:01 Yeah. And she was getting fucking walloped all around one of the cells. So there's like one lad's like, he's fucking her mouth and then from behind and then she's sitting on him and then he's fucking her mouth again. We didn't need a dapper. What? I don't think we needed a dapper.

Starting point is 01:36:14 I did. What was the lighting like? Hold on, hold on, let me make it better. And his mate's filming it. Smoking a joint. But she knows she's being filmed. She's like looking at the camera and all that stuff. I feel like a gangster and like she's like getting walloped.

Starting point is 01:36:30 And then where does she get in the bum and the mouth? I think gangsters famously didn't get fucked in prison. I think gangsters famously didn't get fucked in prison. But then they're like, oh, someone's coming. Stop, stop, stop fucking her mouth. Right. So the video ends, but obviously they've sent that round. Like, oh, we're getting fucking things done in one's way or the other. And she's been on trial and she's gone to prison for it.

Starting point is 01:36:58 15 months. But like, the favorite thing about it all, right? She, there's a camera in her face and she's a prison officer and she just loves the game. She is having the time of her life and could not... You could have said to her in that moment, you're going to get sacked for this and she'd have been like, I don't care, I'm getting bombed and all of this. What's mad about that is, she's not an unattractive woman.

Starting point is 01:37:22 She could go and get, you know, walloped anywhere. She's a swinger isn't she? She wants, that's what makes it exciting. No, they are swingers. She's swung too far there, haven't you? So that is a king. She's gone home and gone, fucking hell, I got fucked by one of the prisoners. And he's gone, yes.

Starting point is 01:37:39 And he's just devastated, still just swiping right on Tendo, being like, please. Someone arrange something. 15 months in jail, having sex in jail. And man, as if she's going to have a fucking bad time in prison. We've seen what she needs to go under house arrest. Right? If she's under house arrest, she only has to fuck her husband. That's prison for her. That's, that's the real jail time sucking on the same cock for 15 months. That's the real jail time sucking on the same cock for 15 months. She's just going to nosh off the delivery guy though.

Starting point is 01:38:13 Another order, more takeaway. Another thing about being swingers and stuff, a friend of mine and his missus came to an arrangement where they could fuck other people and he had to talk her into it and eventually she was like fine. And then he found it was just like this fucking like it didn't work. Like he'd spend all night talking to a girl and then she'd be like, so you're single. And he's like, no, I've got a serious partner, but we're allowed to fuck other people. And every woman he spoke to about it was just like, nice try and would fuck off. And whenever she did it with a lad they were like, clash yeah. And then there's, and then the sites for like polyamory is that, is that, is it field?

Starting point is 01:38:52 Yeah. So I don't know why you're acting like you don't know what it is. Well, there was a couple in the front row at hot water on Saturday and they were polyamorous and uh, Asian. Flown quite a distance there. Yeah. They were Polynesian. They've sounds like they're from some more what they were together, but they yeah, they were like, I don't know how Phil Chapman got out of them because it was in the opening

Starting point is 01:39:20 section. So they must have been like polyamorous. Yeah, essentially just going please someone, someone. Yeah, man. They have to blow the horn wherever they are. Cause that's the whole point. Like if you're polyamorous, you need everyone to know that you're still an option. And I want them to be respectful when I say this because they might be watching hard pass. Oh really? No for me. No, polyamory sounds like great fun, doesn't it?

Starting point is 01:39:45 Everyone's agreed on it. You're saying they were two monsters. They were there from the rough end of Polynesia. Do you know what I mean? No. You've got to get it. Checking that's more common, that they're a bit like sort of on the less attractive side, because they

Starting point is 01:40:05 they fall in love with each other. They're finally like, right, this person will put up with me. I'll just, this will do both of them. But then they're both looking at each other like, oh, fucking you forever. Like you make a good buddy and not like, but fucking hell. And then they have a chat and they're like, can we go and fuck other people? Like, yeah, you know, still make me buddy, isn't that? that? No, I think hot couples do it. They just have more options. Do you want a sandwich? Is that what you're saying? I think hot couples do the polyamory, but they just have more options. And then there's like a league table.

Starting point is 01:40:38 Yeah, hot polyamorous people don't have to announce it in public. Like they could just be like one of the ones where they slide up to you at the bar. Like, hey, we're polyamorous, do you wanna be our plus one? You're like, yeah. You're not getting some fucking goblin under a fucking bridge. You'd be like, we're polyamorous. You're like, I fucking bet you are.

Starting point is 01:40:55 If you were a single man, would you be into that? If you got polyamorous position? Sorry, I want you to say that again. Polyamorous position. Woman slides up, yeah. She's a seven and a half. Right. But she's game.

Starting point is 01:41:07 She just slides up. She's like AC. I fell over there. He's an eighth. So he's like above you. I don't care. Before we do the ratings, I'm not like, listen, I'll fuck you. But he's not fit.

Starting point is 01:41:18 I'm not banging him. Yeah. But I don't care. He could be a fucking monster. No, it helps. He's better looking. Yeah. You got to know than his banter's goods. Like surely that's the only way I'll fuck you.

Starting point is 01:41:29 I'm not podcasting with him. You kind of are. How long are you both spending on his wife? If you've got this opportunity, you're not going to be doing one of your like come in three minutes one. You've got the advantage of like, it's like tag team and wrestling, right? You can tag out, let him go, she's going to help. I agree. I've maybe got to meet them as a couple so that you're not just like meeting

Starting point is 01:41:50 him for the first time in a room in the Premier Inn and then he's like, oh yes, that would be awful, wouldn't it? If you walk in and he does that immediately. If he's filming like, oh, that is absolutely bouncing. Do you enjoy that, Miriam absolutely belting. Oh, God. Do you enjoy that, Miriam? Yeah. Would you?

Starting point is 01:42:08 Yeah, I'm into it. So in the midst of it? Oh yeah, yeah. Would you do anything with him? If she was like, I want you two to kiss. No. No. Well, like it's American.

Starting point is 01:42:18 Like it's fucking American pie. No, that's the game, innit? No. If you just like, suck him off. Oh, no, how fit is she? I'm sucking him off to get to a 7.5. Called Miriam. How long has it been?

Starting point is 01:42:31 No, these are both like, fucking Hollywood, like, gorgeous. They're both tents. Let's be realistic. I am swine! No, but she goes... This is a made-up fantasy and I'm not allowed to ban tents. You motherfucker! No, she knows you want him in a room.

Starting point is 01:42:47 Fucking eight on a very good day. Damn! You know, right, there's this dinner lady comes up. No, but she goes, you've got to warm him up first and then I'm yours. And she's gorgeous. Yeah babe, we're coming back to the hotel now. How do I describe him? He's like a white canteen. He's box to box. Well, fuck that. He'll just keep possession.

Starting point is 01:43:12 I'll not get my head away. He'll keep taking it off me. Passing it backwards. Seems nice. Would you suck a man off? Nah, I'd be alright there. Hand. Would you suck a man off? No, I'd be all right there, you know? Hand? Hand? Just a firm handshake? No, on his-

Starting point is 01:43:29 Oh, with his dick? Oh, I should have really picked up what you were doing. I wouldn't mind that. In the middle of a threesome, if it's two men and a girl, if she was like, wank him off, I'd be like, I like, she's my hand, isn't she? But what?

Starting point is 01:43:39 Being up my arse every day. That's it. Wow. Toilet paper. I'll wank him off if I can fist myself. It's my question. So Miriam's like one came off here while you bang your me and I'm like, what are you doing? What are you holding Miriam? She's like, she's out and she's got a vape having a watch. She's like, when you've done that, you've got this. Right. Yeah. He's, he's like the tutorial. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:44:02 But you got to unlock the picture like the old fucking Tekken games. You've not unlocked her as a character yet until you've defeated him in sexual combat. I won't pass the level. I'd be stuck on him. That'd be grim. Come on, I'm ready. Nevermind. Imagine if you both just bombed each other and got off. It'd be really awful if he ended up getting your end away and you just had your moment of post-knock clarity just while she's in. If she was sucking you off, would you let him put his finger up your arse? Yeah, you can't see him!

Starting point is 01:44:36 If he's a team player! But you'd know those knuckles, wouldn't you? It's Richard Keyes. He's tickling your arse from like 20 yards. The other one's Andy Gray. He'd commentate well though wouldn't he? What the heck son? What was it that Andy Gray said that got him fucking? It was Richard Keyes. I remember Richard Keyes was talking about a female linesman, lineswoman. And like the cameras were still rolling and he was like, would you smash it though? To Jamie Redknapp.

Starting point is 01:45:13 And like one of them was like, fucking, fucking later. You know, he said to Jamie Redknapp, you'd be hanging out of it. It's so horrible to watch. Cause he's like 16 and a dad and, ugh. Yeah, I was, I was like, this is, I was over the moon when he did it because he was the worst part of every single FIFA game was Andy Gray's commentary.

Starting point is 01:45:34 He was, his commentary and all the FIFA games, I hate him so much. I had to mute the game while I was playing. Oh you hate Andy Gray, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he made that fucking comment, got fired. He wasn't in a FIFA game since. And I'm like fucking good news for me. But it's the worst one. Yeah. He does my head in him. But I enjoy eating them. I still follow them. Yeah. But

Starting point is 01:45:53 then they get a job at talk sport. They've got jobs. You need to work on your annotations. You know, talk sport, talk sport, talk sport. I think that's fine. I don't know what I'm saying wrong. Talks what? Talks what? Talks what? Neither of us will be corrected on the English language by fucking scoutsers. I wasn't agreeing it, thanks Daniel. What'd you say about a film about a person? Why? Like I'd say biopic. Yeah, biopic. Oh, apparently it's biopic. It is biopic, isn't it? Oh yeah, because it's biopic. It sounds like it's biology. It's biographical picture. Biopic. That would suggest that it's bi and opic. So what's bi sure for and what's opic sure for? You get a bisexual in your eye. Well, here's what. That's bioptic.

Starting point is 01:46:43 How would you break up helicopter helicopter? It's helicopter isn't it? Helicopter. No, because heli is peterodactyl p-t-r-e that's the bit in Latin that means flight. So it's heli-co which is spinning. Peter is flight. are spinning flights. So it's helical. Yeah. Not funny, but learned it from a tick tock. I really like it, but it made me dislike you slightly. Yeah. This is why it's sorry. I, every time I come on this podcast, I treat it like it's QI. I'm like, this will get me points. That might be a mistake on this podcast. You can't believe everything you see on TikTok. Well, and if you do, Trump becomes president.

Starting point is 01:47:31 Good guy. I like him. Yeah. He's got some fun things to say. He won me over. He won me over yesterday just with the, by the way, it's not the Gulf of Mexico, it's the Gulf of America now. Suck my dick.

Starting point is 01:47:43 I'm like. I fucking hate you. You are a confirmed sexual predator. Like that's not like that's an actual fact that you are not convicted, but it's close. Held civilly liable. What have you got against him? I would love there to be a Scottish politician who just came in and went by the way, by the way, new castles ours now. What are you going to fucking do about it? Absolutely. He called all your missiles are up here. You wanker. The SES is ours. Shut the fuck up. I'd be

Starting point is 01:48:19 like Scottish Trump. Man. I'm in. Rebuild, rebuild the wall. This time is to keep those fuckers out. Trying to buy Canada. Trump wants Canada to become the 51st state. As if America doesn't have enough homeless people that they're like buy more. There's video of them going, it costs us quite a lot of money to sort of subsidize Canada and be so much better if we just took down that invisible wall and it does not see the irony between that and the Mexican border. We need to take down this invisible wall between America and Canada. If they were our 51st state I just think how good would that be for everyone and then you know it'd be easier to protect them from Russia and China. This is not rumour, there's a video of him

Starting point is 01:49:01 saying all of that almost. It's just resigned as well, hasn't it? Yeah, so they're trying to capitalize on it. And if they manage to get that over the line, which is insanely not impossible, they would then want the UK. I'm telling you. Donald Trump leaning out of a Range Rover. What is going on?

Starting point is 01:49:18 Like Harry Wilkerson. Yeah. Yeah. What by the UK? Go for it. Well, Elon Musk already sort of Anglin for that. He wants Tommy Robinson to lead the reform party and get rid of Farage. Great. Great. Why not? My favorite, my favorite Tommy Robinson video is when he was running for the EU fucking spot with the place in parliament over there. And he's talking to someone in the street who's like educated and fucking hates him. And he's like trying to do his

Starting point is 01:49:47 little grift of like, Oh, I'm not right wing. I don't hate immigrants. I just hope they all die through missiles. Um, and trying to like whitewash himself. He said to this person, I'm about to be your MP. And the person is like, you are not about to be my MP. He's like, I'm going to be a MP in fucking parliament. And like the next day, seven votes around the country. He's got eight party members behind him. I mean, like, which one of you didn't? Steven Yaxley-Lennon, you double-barreled name fucking Tory. How dare you, working class wash yourself,

Starting point is 01:50:20 you tiny cocked little cunt. What a pathetic, Steven Yaxley- Lennon. How do the people that revere him not kick his fucking cunt in? Yaxley Lennon, a double barrel second name. You're getting your fucking head caved in. And it starts with Yaxley. Oh, where's he got Tommy Robinson? It just rolls off the tongue. Yeah. I'm just going to find the names that racists have. I'm going to go into a fucking old school pub, right? And I'm going to go into the bathroom and I'm

Starting point is 01:50:51 going to see who scribbled the name. Tommy there, Robinson there, done. Here I fucking am. Is it just a character right then? Is this what, is this the bit? They protect themselves originally and then it's come out. It's just like Sacha Baron Cohen. It just goes deep into the character. You think Sasha Baron Cohen is a racist? Nobody put, he's a, you know. Oh, do you mean like, is Tommy Robinson a character?

Starting point is 01:51:12 Tommy Robinson's a bit. Oh, it's definitely, well no, it's a, it's a grift character in the same way that fucking Ben Shapiro and fucking even fucking Tim Dillon, none of them believe these actual things. It's you get into the right wing sphere where there's more money to be made because more conspiracy theorists believe or find their way to the fucking right wing. There's more money. So you just how much Russell Brand used to talk about how awful Rupert Murdoch's media was, how awful Fox was, how awful all the dumb religion was and all this stuff. And then some wanker outed him. And now he's got to pretend to be a fucking Christian

Starting point is 01:51:50 in America, like literally on stage, fucking sucking off Fox News thingy carter, which is- Tucker Carlson. Tucker Carlson, yeah, yeah. Even though he's been fired out with them. Just doing the grift, just doing the grift at one point. That's one.

Starting point is 01:52:05 Christianity does offer every single person a lifetime out, doesn't it? Yeah. Like you can always just go, everyone knows about all them rapes. Hang on. Am I all right? Yeah. Sound. The religion of forgiveness, which is one thing that Islam definitely has over Christianity. They're like, oh, you fucking. Have you seen the Brough party? Oh yeah. Yeah. Where he, where Andrew Tate said he was going

Starting point is 01:52:30 to run for the prime minister of Britain and misspelled Britain. B R I T A N. Yeah. He doesn't like it. I want to see him try it because it'll be really funny. Also, I feel quite satisfied with this with all of it because when like in the last sort of US election cycle I was like, we'll be next as the country that runs a celebrity. Yeah. Like we are always 10 years behind America

Starting point is 01:53:01 and we're closing in on 10 years since Trump was like I'm going to give this a go. We will run a celebrity. Now I loathe to call fucking Andrew Tate a celebrity, but he's in the zeitgeist now, he's neat for being a horrible cunt. And a lot of people flock to him. So in a way he's a celebrity.

Starting point is 01:53:17 And Tommy Robinson is a celebrity and they're both awful, horrible cunts. Someone like that or another celebrity will run. And because they've got like this following that isn't from politics, on a small level, it'll be successful for their own votes, I think. But the way our political system works, it needs to run 323 calories,

Starting point is 01:53:40 candidates as an absolute minimum. He's not just running for president. He'd have to get 323 people to get more votes than Labour, Conservatives and all that. And it would be an absolute shit show and it would be really funny to watch. And it's- Yeah, there's no celebrity candidate can come up

Starting point is 01:53:56 through the political system that we've got. No. Because- Is he British? You have to win a seat in parliament first, then you have to be the leader of a party. So to, to that's the thing about the presidential model, isn't it? You've just, it's a fast track where you just have to like, you have to get votes, but in a presidential setting, there's so many more. I've heard that is hard to get because I know that she was MP. Wasn't she? She, she, she,

Starting point is 01:54:23 they, she, I think it's Susan though isn't it? I'm going to have a look. Did they stand? Yeah. But they didn't win a seat. Did you not? She did win a seat I think. I don't think she did. What did you say she changed her name to? Susan. Susan. I mean I would have just gone Edwina. They've said they've said they could be either he or she doesn't. That's what. Okay. Fair enough. So my they was pretty offensive. We're here. Dad's cancellation. You got it wrong. You fucking dog. I'm gone. See you later. So when went for the Brighton constituency and didn't get selected as the labor candidate. But then went for Sheffield, I believe. Yeah. Yeah. The next biggest gay hotspot in the UK. All those steelworks.

Starting point is 01:55:11 Sheffield was before that and also didn't get in. Okay. So has been going for it, but labor haven't picked them every time. Shite. Well, that's my cause I always thought they would be quite good because they were always, she was always political. Very popular. Yeah. They should fucking love Eddie Izzard's stand up. Yeah. I don't think we've talked

Starting point is 01:55:31 about that much on the pod but absolutely unbelievable. Oh the first four DVDs. Yeah, yeah, you used to have them in the fucking box heads of the back when DVDs were a fucking thing you're stalking. Yeah. 100% dress to kill. And one he didn't, the one they, one edited is Eddie. Are you allowed to dead name? Like it's not dead. Is it not dead? He said, I don't mind what you call me. Fucking Susan sound and she is odd box sets. Those box sets were still Eddie is odd. Yeah. Yeah. That's the name on the box.

Starting point is 01:56:10 Now the name of the box is Susan. Next time Alfie's here, try and remind me to ask Alfie to do his Eddie is odd impression because he does it and there's a bit to it and it's just it. I get them to do it sometimes when I'm bored. It's class. it and there's a bit to it and it's just it. I get them to do it sometimes when I'm bored. It's class. We've done an hour there, pissed a few people off, had a lot of fun. Should we call it a section? Yes. Hello everyone. Time to talk about our favourite sponsor. It's lovehoney.co.uk. Now Valentine's is coming up. You know what? Yeah, you think you're treating your Mrs. Right by taking her somewhere posh like Bella, Italia and not using a voucher. But really, Valentine's is

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Starting point is 01:57:37 off site-wide. lovefunny.co.uk. Come better. Hello everyone, it's old tidy balls, Dan Nightingale. Time to talk about my favourite sponsor, It's Manscaped. I'm here with, hey, what are you up to, Carl? Are you reading the? Just reading the Manscaped Times. I think it's time that you shaved your bollocks. Yeah, so listen, we've said it before and we'll say it again.

Starting point is 01:58:02 There is no excuse for a scruffy mons pubis. There's no excuse. Get yourself the new beard and bald bundle, shave your pubes, you missus will love it. Yeah so you get the beard hedger, which is very inclusive, or them. You get to trim your beard. Now you've got a, it's an absolute corker of a beard. I've had your face ever beard so I'm not sure you've ever used. No this is all new to me. I've been shaving before.

Starting point is 01:58:26 Thank God I've got the beard hedger. Go to manscaped.com and use code WORDS20 for 20% off. And guess what? How much is shipping? How much do you think it is? Guess how much shipping is. Well, Dan, I live all over the world. How much do I get off? He's a traveller. Well, 20%, but you get free shipping.

Starting point is 01:58:44 Oh, it's free shipping. Even if I live in like Kathmandu, Nepal. Perhaps Manscaped. It's amazing for your balls. Part four of four. Nice to hear. Have you got any questions, Dan? No, we've not. Oh. So, you know, I'll lead. We'll say no then? No. We've got executive orders though.

Starting point is 01:59:15 And we've got the wonderful Daniel Sloss. And I feel like this is your kind of thing. This fact-making your wheelhouse. Man, I would... Do you think you'd have a run for political office? No, and if I would, I would 100% fix the world, but a lot of people would die. And a lot. Like, and I know that's how all dictators think,

Starting point is 01:59:38 but those are all right-wing dictators. It's been a while since we've seen a good middle of the ground left leaning dictator. Yeah, exactly. I'd get fucking shit. A hard line moderate. People would die. And industries. the ground left leaning dictator. I'd get fucking shit. People would die and industries would have to be publicly, people have to learn. Fear needs to be in them for them to obey. I'm looking forward to these.

Starting point is 01:59:57 What's your policy? Right. The second, and I mean the millisecond, you have more than one million pounds in wealth to your name, you are legally allowed to be hunted. Wow. So if you've got, if you go, if you go over 10 million, you can donate that to charity, you're off the fucking list immediately. You're saying it 99999. That's you're good.

Starting point is 02:00:24 Every fucking single time you break that fucking mark. It is open season on everyone in the country and whoever kills you gets your wealth and has 10 minutes of like immunity. Wow. Where they can like give five million away to charity. So you meant a head start. No, no, no. When you kill it, when you kill a 10 millionaire, that transfers to you. You got 10 minutes of grace to donate like half of that or whatever to a charity, just so you're sitting on five million.

Starting point is 02:00:52 So you're not dangerous. You're not in danger. Can you spend it and then 10 minutes on yourself? You can always keep it. Man, you can get it. Yeah, you can buy like fucking 10 grand's worth of Jordans or whatever. And then just be like-

Starting point is 02:01:03 Well, hey, add towards your wealth. The... Your things. Are a Jordans assets? No, but it would be the standard stuff that in the same way that people offset their taxes with cars and property, if it's something that you own that can offset your taxes,

Starting point is 02:01:20 that is your value. You don't get to have a five million pound house and 10 million in the bank. You have a five million pound house and 10 million in the bank. You got a five million pound house and a four, well, sorry, five million pound house and four million in the bank. That's fine. So sorry, is the limit five million or is it one million? 10 million.

Starting point is 02:01:36 Oh, 10 million. I thought you said a million. No, no. So no, no. 10 million, 10 million. Right? I personally believe, right, that nobody in the world needs to earn more than a million, 1.5 million a year. Everything's fucking paid for. Your life is sorted. You've got everything.

Starting point is 02:01:48 That's mortgage, that's car, that's taxes, that's five amazing holidays a year, business class, everything you want. That's a company. Life is sweet. Life is a hundred percent fucking sweet. Anywhere near a million, 1.5 million. Anything above that is pure fucking greed. And if you want to be a trophy person, prepare to be hunted. The billionaires get like an extra level of... Yeah. If there's past billionaires, they'd be dead within minutes. If you're the person that kills the billionaire, that's a stressful 10 minutes to get rid of that fucking money.

Starting point is 02:02:23 Can I ask with the executive order? So our glorious leader, General Sloss takes power. Is this, is this executive order going to be, are they going to have like a purge date or it can't be instant? Are you giving them, you've got till midnight tonight or have you got midnight till Tuesday next week? Yeah. But the first thing is also especially if you've got 10 million, you're paying all the taxes that I know you avoided for the past 20 years to a mass 10 fucking million. That's coming in first, right? You're giving it to the government so we can use this money to fund everything else. And then after that, yeah, you got, I'll give you, you're not getting more than a day.

Starting point is 02:03:05 You're not getting more than two hours. Actually, you're not getting to the airport. The airports are closed. You're not getting to Panama motherfucker. Like the it's done. Airports are down. All missile systems are on. Nothing leaves the UK for two days while I sort things out.

Starting point is 02:03:19 There's always place would have £482 million in their bank accounts. So quickly. And then they'd be hunted. Look, there's flaws to my plan. I'll fix that. Jesus, the money can't go anywhere. I like it. It's an excellent one. Big fan. Yeah, especially because I don't have that much money. So that it. It's an excellent one. Big fan. Yeah. Especially because I don't have that much money. So that helps. It passes. You've got a straight pass. I mean, it's an executive order. They all passed on to number two, the compulsory vasectomy. So at the age of 13, 13, 13, 13,

Starting point is 02:04:04 when you're getting sex education and stuff, boys, all boys in the UK, they're given a week off school, right, where they're allowed to just, like, girls go away and learn, boys, they all have to get a vasectomy, right? Every single boy. What? A reversible vasectomy? All vasectomies are reversible. So yeah. Oh, right. Okay. And also, like, on those seven days that the boys have off, they're allowed all of the porn in the world and we just collect their semen and we put it under a file into their

Starting point is 02:04:32 name. They've got that, right? So you've got a compulsory very excited to me. You cannot for the rest of your life accidentally create human life. There's no opportunity for a man to drunkenly bring a life into the world and then decide that he's not in the fucking mood for it. Right? So that's, that's the, you still go out and have sex. You can still have fun. You're still coming. There's still, there's no teenage pregnancies. There's no teenage pregnancies. There's nothing. And when you want, when you decide it's time of your life to have a kid, you go to like the fridge. There's a, there's a council. It's like duty duty that you have to be part of. Oh, you've not got your sample. It's not next to the fucking munch bunch in

Starting point is 02:05:11 the fridge. It's a, the government has it or like some department, the government has it. The judges of whether you get access to your own semen is 50 people of your peers, right? All different backgrounds, all different races, all different ages, and you sit in there and you're like, hey, I'm 32, I've been with my partner for five years, we've got a house, you know, we don't earn the most in the world, we've got a two bedroom here, we're trying to make ends meet,

Starting point is 02:05:37 but we're really ready to grow our family. Like most of the people in the room, they're like, man, that's amazing, absolutely. Here's your sperm, and they go, and they impregnate your partner. A conception trial. Yeah. Yeah. And then somebody else walks in and I go, what's your name? Baza. No. Yeah. Give it two more years. I wonder what the birth rate fall would be. I wonder how many unplanned like drunk. It works on both ends. Somebody comes in. What's your name? Sebastian. Not a fucking chance. What's your second name? Yaxley Lennon. It's going in the fucking incinerator. What

Starting point is 02:06:10 are you fucking talking about? Are we banned that when you gave us it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. There's a lot of trust for the government department. I mean, we have to set up the department of Jizz. Yeah. And it's got to be like jury duty. It cannot be the government in charge of who has kids because that's obviously when classism racism. Yeah. That's it's gotta be peers Morgan. It's just gonna try and control the birth rates. We only have one member.

Starting point is 02:06:36 Oh, and they were killing babies. No, they weren't killing babies. They were killing baby girls and just so, so yeah. Sorry. That made me sound like I was a baby sexist to feel like baby girls aren't real babies, which was the Chinese outlook for the government. We weren't doing that. The government won't. They were, they put rules in where you're only allowed to have one kid. Yeah. And then you got massively taxed on the second one. Yeah. I mean, these are hardline rules, aren't they? We're hunting the rich and saving the jizz. These are hardline, but it's all good. Dan, I'm telling you, a lot of people have to die for my...

Starting point is 02:07:14 But when they're all dead, the utopia that I've created will be second to none. You're counter bouncing it because a lot of people have to die, but a lot of people aren't getting born. Yeah. Parks are going to be quiet. Apparently, like underpopulations, the new problem in it, there's not going to be enough people. So that was going to be a great idea. Maybe we're going to need some fucking thick kids. Yeah. I mean, it's not based on fucking intelligence. Like no, no, no, man. Even dumb love is not based on your intelligence in school. Love is emotional intelligence. Some of the dumbest people in the world would be the greatest parents. And

Starting point is 02:07:49 that's why it has to be a council of peers. It cannot, you getting your sperm back isn't based on your income. It's not based on your intelligence. It's based on your fucking vibes and let's be real. We all know people who have kids who were like, you should have had fucking kids. You're just not, who were like, you shouldn't have fucking kids. You're just not, it's not, you're not cut out for it. You're not a bad person, but just your selfishness and who you are is not innate to parenthood. It would stop a lot of like, sort of parental paedophilia because a lot of paedophiles, you just know, don't you? Like if you're in the same postcode as them, you're just like,

Starting point is 02:08:22 you are a nonchew kid. He's not getting his comeback. No, no. I've never heard the phrase parental paedophilia. Spot on. Good band. Yeah. A bit edgy. Yeah, when you take the passport off you, you take your giz off you as well.

Starting point is 02:08:37 If you do like a bad thing, you're like, your giz is gone. Yeah. I mean, if we're doing the conception thing, which is good, like it, fine. I mean, if we're doing the conception thing, which is good, like it, fine. How old can you get married in your utopia? Because they've just upped the age in the last few years to 18 as the legal age to get married in the UK.

Starting point is 02:08:56 And I still think it's mad. It was 16, which is was always insane. And they're like, do you know what? This is a bit crazy in it. Let's make it 18. Like, well, if you, if you want to get married that young, you have to be together for fucking eight years before we're like, I okay. Yous are definitely getting fucking married. So if you go out with each other from 18 to 25 or 24, you're allowed to get married at 24. That's 18. Wonder what they want. How many people get married at 18? Can't be very high.

Starting point is 02:09:32 I bet it. I bet before they change that legislature, legislature, legislature. Oh my God. What? How many 16 year olds? They had to have their parents permission. It must have been like half a dozen a year, do you think, even that? What about the religious freedoms though? You know? What? Some like religions like you're nine now, married. Oh, well, then we've got to respect it

Starting point is 02:09:57 because it said in a magic book. If it said you can marry nine year olds in a magic book, who am I to question that? Ah, there you go. Magic book is so offensive by the way. Yeah, yeah. But it's accurate as fuck. Nine year old brides, they're the least that allowed eight kids to marry.

Starting point is 02:10:17 And it's been said ages ago, written down. Who am I? There's a difference between religious tolerance and acceptance. Like I'll tolerate the shit from other religions, but I don't accept any of your backwards fucking thing in the same way that, you know, those religions don't accept shit from the outside world. I remember a mate of mine from university, her best mate got married at 22. And I was like, this is insane. Mad, mad. And they're still together. So it could, you know, there's, you know. When you know, you know.

Starting point is 02:10:47 But what's the rush though? My mother and father-in-law met when they were 13 years old, have been together since they were 13 years old and still. Your mom and your father-in-law? So no, my parents-in-law, my mother-in-law and my father-in-law. You should say what was your only thought there? Sorry. My in-laws is the faster way to say, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My in laws. So it says, yeah, people who get my, the 18, 48% of them divorce.

Starting point is 02:11:15 And then that percentage lowers within 10 years. I was over in 10 years. And then how many of those are murder suicides? All percentage are parent paedophiles? Just out of interest? Can you pull that up please? We've got to bring that down. How many nine year olds were married in the UK last year? Those fucking Pentecostals. If you get married between the age of, what's that? 44 and 60, 20% of the men in divorce and most of them end in death. They all end in one of the two. Yeah. Yeah. Good point. I probably will be a widow at some point. Very few of them become one. One of us was going to come and that's we down the same day. Murder suicide baby. Put it in your vows. Even in the little gap, one of us was a widower for like 10 seconds. Does that could just be a suicide pact. It doesn't have to

Starting point is 02:12:15 be a mad. It's called enough to kill it and then himself. One last thrill before you die. I do. I do agree with that by the way. I think if you make a suicide pack, one of you should get the phone of murder and the other. Yeah. Yeah. But what if you change your mind? You're about to be murdered. What are you going to fucking do? Cry about it. No, you blow the head off and go, oh shit. I don't want to die. Well, then you also don't want to go on the run for ages. Well, then the only person who knows that you agreed to it is dead. It's a perfect matter. You really need it. Yeah. You need a contract and that'll stand up in court. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She signed it. Yeah. Yeah. She signed it in blood. Do you think we don't know when she signed that? Are we going to become wither

Starting point is 02:12:57 with that probably? Or maybe? Oh, no, no, no. I'm going for this. I'm five going first. He's well gone first. I'm five years older. There's tread on the tires isn't good. Also, if there's ever a situation where we might die and I'll jump in front of the fucking lorry. Also do you- What will that stop? I don't know. Stop, stop. Because someone, the lorry driver will be like,

Starting point is 02:13:20 oh my God, it's the white cante. I'll be killed but my family will be saved. Also, do you have the thing of like, because my God, it's the white cante. I'll be killed, but my family will be saved. Oh, so do you ever think of like, cause I think about this often, there is a married father, which is like, I'm so, I'm desperate to die before my wife because I know that she'll strong, she'll not shrug off my death, but she'll take it on the fucking chin. Right? She'll find out I'm dead. She'll be like that sucks.

Starting point is 02:13:41 She'll grieve privately in a toilet for like fucking 10 minutes. She'll raise the kids. She'll raise them to fucking remember me. My wife dies. Those kids are ruined. I'm drinking alcohol every day until I'm fucking dead. I'm back on the fucking drugs. They're like, what was mum like? I'm like, who fucking remembers? Who the fuck are you? Go get raised by your grandparents and let me be sad forever. Also I've got three life insurance policies against my name. One of them I want to cancel, but I don't know the login details. So that's just, so that's an extra 200 grand for Laura. I am worth so much more dead than Laura is. Like if she dies, a little bit of cash. And then the kids are, I'm in charge. I eat chicken, dippers for

Starting point is 02:14:26 tea on my own. So I can't, I'm going to have to learn so much. And I'm so not as good a parent as Laura is. If I die, she's fucking mentioned. Look, if my wife dies, she is entitled to an astronomical amount of money. If my wife dies, the government is going to be like, we know you're going to turn this into a show next year. So we're actually going to tax you on your wife's death because you're about to get real funny. My wife dies. My kids have to live in Edinburgh for a month. But if you die, your wife then gets haunted. That's nice of you to assume. You're off by a couple of minutes. Got any more you want to share with us?

Starting point is 02:15:13 Yes. Yes. This is all I think about while in bed. Um, now you know how when you, before you sit your driving test, you have to sit the theory test, right? Which is like you're looking at a screen and you got a click whenever you see like a danger, you're like, oh, there's a bus there. Click. Somebody could be walking behind that bus because it stopped and coming out. You've got a hazard perception, right? To vote, you now have to do that with AI images. And if you can't tell me what is AI news and what is real news, you don't get to vote. Nice. Lovely.

Starting point is 02:15:48 I think there's a chance I'm not voting. A little test before you vote? Yeah, and it's not, again, it's not about fucking intelligent, it's not about what way you lean politically, but if I show you a fake newspaper article that's been posted around fucking all the social media and a real one, if you cannot tell the difference between those two things, you do not have the knowledge or the responsibility for the privilege that it is to vote. So it's now... I do think in this day and age though, there should be a third option on that test, which could be there. And that should get you some partial marks sometimes, because sometimes

Starting point is 02:16:21 the real news now, I go, oh, AI news. And then you have a look and it's like, oh, now he is trying to buy Canada. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but it's not like, it's not like just a fucking headline. It's the same way that for some reason, anyone over the age of fucking 50 cannot seem to tell the difference between an AI image and a non AI image. I just think, well, that if you're that much online and just poisoned so easily, and we're not fucking guilty of it being leaning the other way, but I just think.

Starting point is 02:16:55 My dad spends 90% of his time on his own in his house, doesn't fucking leave, and it's just on his phone all day. And this was a while ago now, before he was in that exact situation, but still similar. And I was there with an ex-girlfriend and he's just on his phone. He goes, fucking hell, unbelievable. Add, you want to check your emails.

Starting point is 02:17:16 Says here on Facebook, there's this Nigerian fella and he's just died and they found 500 million, the equivalent of 500 million British pounds in his house. And he's been trying to give it away for years, but no one would answer them. And I was like, right, that's not real. And he was like, you just never know. I was like, no, no, no, no, you do. You're a joker. It's like, it's actually so provable. It was just like a really badly made meme. And he's like, yeah, check your emails out. But one day we're going to get to the point where we're stupid.

Starting point is 02:17:52 Oh yeah, yeah. But also like in general, I don't think you should be allowed to vote over the age of 65. When you come into a restaurant, the person who's leaving doesn't get to order your dinner. Cause that's fucking insane. So I just don't understand why we let anyone over the age of 65 vote. I hate the youngest generation. We'll be here when you're older. And the scary thing is, they're the ones that vote the most. The most. The most. They're the most politicised.

Starting point is 02:18:30 They've got nothing else to do. They're watching fucking, I don't know, Mayor de Chirot, the weakest Lincoln voting. That's all they do. I love watching voting. Shall we do some from the listeners before we... Oh no, okay, fuck it. We don't have to do... I'll do one more. Sloss, sloss. It's yours, baby.

Starting point is 02:18:50 This is the most important one and this is... And as the leader of this new world, I will abide by this rule. Every single politician in a position of power after 10 years without exception is executed publicly. It doesn't matter how good a job you did, doesn't matter how bad a job you did. The deal is if you sign up to represent the people and benefit and grow the government, improve the country, regardless, you're being beheaded in 10 years. Publicly, it's all televised. That's it. That's the rule. That's the only way. To stop the bad people doing it.

Starting point is 02:19:31 To stop bad people doing it and to make sure your heart's in the fucking chair. You'll get fucking chaos people who are like, oh, I think I can do a lot of damage in 10 years. But you're getting rid of the narcissists. The narcissists are never running. The pay's got to go. Yeah. Oh my God. Chopper Saffy. I mean class. Fucking off. Oh pay's got to go. Yeah, oh my God. Chopper Satie. Happy class.

Starting point is 02:19:46 Fucking off, mate. Oh, is it every Saturday? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all start at the same time. Should it be one a week, two or three a week? Yeah. And it's a nice, man, and you do a show about them. You're like, here's the policies,

Starting point is 02:19:57 those got through, here's what they're standing on. Some of them are really sad. Some of them are like, here is someone who, for their entire life, fought for women's rights, immigration rights, like they protected, they put so many of these things in place to like protect the poor and you're like, oh man, I can't believe. Ross Kemp. Yeah, dead, gone, right, head off, it's still televised, right? And then the next week you're like, oh, God, this is a good one. They're like, it's from the reform party. You're like,

Starting point is 02:20:24 let's get the lads in. Is the pay going up for your 10 years of service? No, absolutely not. The other rule is for these politicians, the maximum a politician's salary can be is the lowest minimum wage. So if you want to get paid more as a politician, you have to. Who the fuck's signing up for this job? Exactly! Only good people at that point. Only good people.

Starting point is 02:20:49 Only good people. Aren't they the more corruptible? No, absolutely not. If you go in knowing that they're going to die. Yeah, but then they're getting bungs, aren't they? They're not, I mean, you're not getting- That's the problem. I think genuinely, there's an old Bill baby, and I agree with all of it,

Starting point is 02:21:08 the president of America, the prime minister over here, should be on a billion a year. And then no one can tell them what to do. No one's like, ah, you need this to get... He's spending his own money getting elected and then he gets a billion a year. I think if you, the only way, if you, if you make it the minimum wage, people will be inclined to make the world, you force them to make the world better. So 10 years of universal credit and then a public beheading. Man, I know, imagine how much money you're going to get for the fucking, from advertisement alone during beheading Saturdays. We might be able to lower taxes because we're getting so much from Coca Cola. Yeah. Especially now. No, but he's, if he's hosting that show,

Starting point is 02:21:52 he's the biggest celebrity in the UK. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's the leader of it. Yeah. You can't give it Ant and Dick. No, they're also getting hunted as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah, they absolutely oh they were hunted quite quickly I love it how some people have interpreted this they've gone our executive orders and it's been like really day-to-day Silly stuff and sloss has gone new world order Explain to me who any of my policies ruin the world I am I swear to fucking God we implant implement all four of these things world. I am, I swear to fucking God, we implement all four of these things. You'd be so suspicious of a politician knocking on with like a little bag like, I'm standing for parliament and you're like, all right, you're a scary motherfucker.

Starting point is 02:22:34 And at the end of these 10 years, right, when the world is, when the UK is bliss, it's fucking perfect populations down, minimum wage is up, everything's good. Education is not only free all the way through fucking university, we've got everything fucking sorted. I'll be publicly beheaded on television after they play two hours of my greatest fucking achievements. And it'll be a long list of dead people. A long, long, long list. But, but, but. It's good. Yeah. Daniel. Yes. We probably should have done this a little earlier, but you have. It's good. Yeah. Daniel. Yes. We probably should have done this a little earlier,

Starting point is 02:23:07 but you have a special to plug. And we'll put all the links in the description below, but you've got a brand new stand-up special out on your website. You say it's brand new. It was fucking filmed four fucking years ago and it's finally out. It's a...

Starting point is 02:23:18 It's a hard sell. Is this the COVID show? Huh? Is this the COVID show? This is the COVID show, yeah. And it was filmed like in the SECC when it was still like 50% audience allowed. So it was a fucking weird show to film.

Starting point is 02:23:35 I think we've done enough in post to like make it look good. But I think we're all, like that was filmed when we were all still just a little bit mental, like still recovering from it. And it's just taken a while to come out. So yeah, it's on my website. Danielsloss.com. Yeah, it's got an entire bit, which is age.

Starting point is 02:23:51 I wished it'd come out three years ago because one of the punch lines in the show is just me screaming, I scream for the Jews in a German accent. And obviously that's aged quite poorly. Is that your final executive order? Oh well that's been a belter, thank you so much for coming on Daniel, appreciate you watching, sign up to Patreon as ever if we could Finn and with a bit of music for the audio

Starting point is 02:24:25 listening. We do, we've got a slightly heavier tune today it's a bit punky but heavy rock. Oh cool. A bit like Royal Blood or something like that. This is The Pleasures and this is their tune Are You Really There. Oh, you just went with her. Last week, she... I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man Crash your car, roll the streets Take off your shoes, walk around bare feet It's in you, as in me Cut your hair, change your clothes, be who you be It's the only

Starting point is 02:25:51 It's the only It's the only Wake up Come alive With me tonight Take me home and leave me dry Take your seat, drink your drink You never wrong with me, you can think what you think Unzip your dress, walk or walk upstairs Lock the door for my own good, no need to be scared

Starting point is 02:26:48 It's the only It's the only It's the only Way to Come along With me tonight Take me home completely dry I can feel you, you're on my skin, I'm scared, the only question is are you really there? Is this your life? Way to feel alive

Starting point is 02:27:48 Come and hurt me Take me home and play me dry Take me home with you tonight Cut yourself, all in the sink

Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #311 with Daniel Sloss - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

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