Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #312 with Elliot Steel & Hatty Preston - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Starting point is 00:00:00 What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

Starting point is 00:00:23 And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Starting point is 00:00:43 Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Starting point is 00:01:13 Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lids? Have you heard? We've got a brand new website. It's have a word pod.com and on our brand new website. We've got a brand new website. It's haveowordpod.com and on our brand new website,

Starting point is 00:01:26 we've got a brand new line of merch, T-shirts, hoodies, jumpers, hats, stickers, there's all sorts and it's available right this second. Go to haveowordpod.com, get yourself some merch and while you're there, you could also get tickets too. Murderers Row, we're doing a massive stand-up tour all around the UK and we're doing Dublin. It's me comparing the first section,

Starting point is 00:01:50 Adam comparing the second, and then we've got the best acts we know. People you'll recognise from the couch, some absolute killers from comedy doing stand-up. Proper stand-up tour. There's no podcast tour this year. We wanted to do stand-up with our mates, and we've come up with the Murderers Row standup tour.

Starting point is 00:02:06 Four special guests every night. Me and Dan doing a bit each as well. And obviously we're bringing all the lads down. We're gonna get Finn to sing at the end. It's gonna be absolutely class. And all the tickets and all the merch are at haveawordpod.com. And of course, if you love what you're watching,

Starting point is 00:02:22 patreon.com slash haveaword pod for loads of bonus content. But we'll tell you more about that a little bit later. Enjoy the episode. It's going to be a... It was good. Yeah, it was really good. It was class. Man, Sensei Kal and Finn. This is the one and only Have A Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market

Starting point is 00:02:50 for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Welcome to the Have A Word podcast. Adam, you all right? Yeah, I'm feeling really good. You look odd. You're eating your food base. He's not very well.

Starting point is 00:03:01 He's turned into a ginger woman. Yeah, yeah. What's that called? Ginger latest. Stage seven. Stage seven. Social death. Adam is ill. So Hattie Preston is ill. He's so ill. I got a voice note from him last night. I think I got him on the vomit. Like on, he was like, hi, I just want to let you, sorry, hang on. And I was like, Oh, yeah, but he's Adam really. He's the definition of man flu. No, I know.

Starting point is 00:03:25 Well, we were just talking about when he stubbed his toe that was a broken toe. And whoever commented, it was one of my favorite ever comments on an episode when he was like, oh yeah, Adam's got a sore toe, so it's stage seven toe cancer. Oh, God. Mwah.

Starting point is 00:03:37 It's good. Well done, everyone. It's very good. But I think he is ill. I took him to the hospital at midnight. I had to wake up out of bed because he wanted me to get my thermometer. It was that or a coffin. So I got out of bed, got dressed, got in the car, drove in the snow to asda and then I went, I haven't got any thermometers. She went, no, everyone's sick. There's no thermometers. And I rang when he went,

Starting point is 00:04:01 well, if I die in the night, it's your fault. There you go. He's, you know, even it is most vulnerable and I still a bit of a cunt. And I said, while I'm here, would you do you want me to get you anything? Is anything you'd like? And he went, yeah, get me a surprise. I went the surprises. I'm going back to bed or dropping a surprise. If you need something. Oh, that's best friend. What did you mean at that point? Do you need anything? I mean, I mean, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm

Starting point is 00:04:30 like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like Preston. I know when you said to me this morning,

Starting point is 00:04:45 we haven't done, we've done a few podcasts together. We haven't hosted together. No, you haven't been a cohost. We've done it a few times with Adam. Yeah. Yeah, just once. Okay, great. One host with Adam.

Starting point is 00:04:53 You've now done the tick list, you've done everything. Have I? Couch, both seats, and a special. Don't worry about it. And a live show. You're also in the discussion for Person of the Year. That's so lovely, Joe. I can't message me after that. Yeah, I couldn't remember if it. You were also in the discussion for Person of the Year. That's so lovely, Joe. I can't message me after that.

Starting point is 00:05:07 Yeah, I couldn't remember if it... What do you mean you can't remember? I couldn't remember if we'd given it to you or if we'd said it was Paul Ince. It was actually you and Paul Ince. It was your Paul Ince. Me and Paul Ince? I tell you what.

Starting point is 00:05:16 Or Russell Hicks. He got robbed. Stop that. We started. Russell Hicks. That was very sweet. Carl did message me afterwards and that is so kind. And I said to Carl, I was like, that is a damning indictment on the state of British comedy at the moment if I was there. But that's very kind and it means a lot.

Starting point is 00:05:30 So thank you. Oh, I might have to. I am close to, like, I don't know if it's just something one of us has to have IBS while we're doing this podcast. But I might need to go for an emergency plop plop. Right now. It's absolutely it's absolutely bubbling. It's no, it's, I don't get to that point. Okay. You're not Jamie. I just touch cloth. I guess you dirty cloth. It's not hard. Jamie Hutchinson did it when I say for a dead me. We were about to start a big fist pod and he sat down on the sofa. We were, but

Starting point is 00:06:00 not big, whatever we were doing, a bit much bit. Remember the podcast name. Um, and sat down on the sofa and he's like, he stood up and goes, I just thought I was going to fart. And I was like, Jamie's like, yeah, I just sort of shat myself on the sofa. We were about to start, I was like, Jamie! No one's hearing that and going, what a shock. I was like, get off the sofa! Is when a hard poo is there? I don't know. I don't think yours is going to be hard right now, is it?

Starting point is 00:06:26 So listen, I'm going to tell you where everything is, exactly where it needs to be, you know, but I'm just telling you, it's going to be go time soon. And my ablutions, I work on this system. Doesn't matter if I should be pooing, I wait till it's absolutely an emergency go time. Why though? Because... Like a baby? Who sits down in the morning with a fucking magazine and waits on the toilet? That's why people had books in their downstairs toilets though, isn't it? Because you just can sit and have a very civilized look at a joke book. What the fuck is that?

Starting point is 00:06:57 I've never understood that. The Japanese toilet scene. Axe. Oh, it's been a while! It's been a while. Axe is an enema. You can say that. Steve, get the sponsor, man. This is fucking ridiculous. Is it those you got first? Axe has a... Oh, it's been a while! Oh, dude! It's been a while! Axe is an enema.

Starting point is 00:07:05 You can say that. Steve, get the sponsor, man. This is fucking ridiculous. Is it those you got first? So if you turn it on before your poo, it loosens you and you go for the poo. A warm water? Yeah. That makes your poo.

Starting point is 00:07:17 Yeah, because it gets quite cold and be like... I'd like a Japanese toilet attendant. What about that? A little Japanese person. What do they do? I'd probably man. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just so it doesn't feel creepy. Yeah, because then it's the girl's turn if I'm sexy, yeah. She's like, little Japanese person. What did they do? I probably man. Okay. So it doesn't feel creepy. Yeah. She's like, Oh, what? Yeah. Oh, Jack Finnegan gave me

Starting point is 00:07:33 a tummy rub in India. Whoa. Can I just say what are the size of his hands? I know I just pooped everywhere. It was great. I feel like, Oh, I feel really compacted. And like there was, I could tell it was there, but like my, my bum was, and then he just, he just put his hand on the palm, like his palm of his hand on his, on my back and then just press with his hand. And I am, I think I'm 10 years older than Jack Finnegan. And I felt, I felt like a small child that had fallen over and his dad was giving his like, Oh, if you've got, I'll give it a rub. And it felt, I felt great. Jack's everyone's dad though. And he could be just the way it is. I'm closer with Jack

Starting point is 00:08:13 Finnegan than I am my dad. So did you ever rub poo out of your tummy? No, I haven't spoken to my dad for a year and me and Jack have a great time all the time. He'd be a great dad. Yeah. Ring him up and say, Dad, I'm a bit compact. Will you come and rub me back so I can do a poo and see what he says? Yeah, I do. And then ring Jack and see the difference. Yeah, because Jack will go, yeah, and your dad will go, no. I don't think Jack would drive in to do it.

Starting point is 00:08:37 I do. You don't want to commute to give someone's tummy a rub. Poo rub. I don't know. He does love you all. Yeah. I think he would do it. Do you need it? Do you need that now? Or are you ready to go? No, I can't. Do you want to go when you're panicking?

Starting point is 00:08:52 I'm a pro. What's happened? You're not usually like this. I don't know what's happened. Have you eaten something funny? I think it's the cold weather has made, I've got a tentative bumhole. It's a temperature related bumhole incident where you're just like, oof, cause I shit in the garden. So, you know, that's really nice. Are you quite like constant? Like, are you quite regular during the day or do you have like your one in the morning and your one in the evening?

Starting point is 00:09:13 I'm sorry. What? That's me. Yeah. That's normal. Don't you do like one every five weeks? No, he shits twice in India. I'm sorry. What? What? Yeah. I shit twice every five minutes. What? What did you say? You shit four days into India. You have a morning plop and an evening plop. Well, girls don't poop, but so I've heard. Yeah. There's a little pink tic tac comes out of girls. Get to fuck. So I, well, this is what happens with me. I don't plop for three days and then I plop three times in a day. And then something like that. So you haven't got IBS, you've got the opposite. It's, it in a day and then, you know, something like that. So you haven't got IBS, you've got the opposite.

Starting point is 00:09:46 It's a, yeah. Yeah, a morning one, you feel so light after it. It's like a special K advert. Oh, well, my absolute favorite is when I get to the gig, if I've got a gig, I get to a gig early, know where the comedians in the dressing room have a pre-gig plot. You do not, not in the green room. I would. Dan Nightingale.

Starting point is 00:10:07 No, not in the green room. I don't like... You poo with the public people and they go and tell jokes to them. No, I get in there, get in the dressing room, get in the dressing room toilet. Oh, I'm first in, first out, then everyone, you know, and then I'm ready for the gig. Like a, like a Greyhound who shits just before the race at the track. You poo in the green room, Lou. Unbelievable. Is that not really like bad etiquette?

Starting point is 00:10:30 Yes. It is if everyone's already in the green room. Even if they're not. That's bad. Michael Rice doesn't give a fuck. Like does it? He's, he's prolific for it. Like doesn't give a fuck. Doesn't shock me. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:10:41 The man works with poo. Are you like marking your territory? Is that what you're doing? You're like, no, it's mine. I think it's the excitement of, I don't really get nervous. It's just a sort of like adrenaline. Yeah. I love that. Maybe that's why you need a poo because I'm guest hosting. Got the adrenaline flowing through like, yeah, oh my God. So we're recording this and it is fucking Baltic and it was Balt's the second snow day this week. The kids off or is that enough? So the head teacher of Etta's school, I think has been teaching since the 1870s. And I would love to know what level of weather disaster would have to happen for even to

Starting point is 00:11:22 have to consider. She's never closed the school for weather. And there's a WhatsApp group where all the moms and Laura's in it, but she, well, like doesn't get involved but she can chart what's going on. They're like, oh, well somebody think of the children. And an old fucking head teacher dogs does not. Oh, so she's in?

Starting point is 00:11:42 Oh, there could be a fucking tsunami in Saugle and she'd still be like, just get a kayak. But surely all the parents, you're like, yeah, fucking keep them. Like, do you want a snow day? Like, you want them like in, don't you? Do you want a snow day after two weeks of Christmas? Christmas as well is a batshit holiday for kids.

Starting point is 00:11:59 Yeah, they are on crack. I spoke to my mate Ben and he was like, genuinely started feeling sorry for, he's got a daughter the same age as Etta. It's like I started feeling sorry for her because it's all build up and it's excitement and it's Santa and and and a lot of parents have to tone that down because kids get way too wound up and it is creepy in it like he can see you and he's watching and he's fucking judging you know so they get and then there's the payoff of the presence so then sleeps fucked up So they get, and then there's the payoff of the presents.

Starting point is 00:12:25 So then sleep's fucked up because they get too excited. And then there's chocolate everywhere. And then there's people coming over and you're going to someone else's. And also it's winter, so you're not going out as much. In the summer holiday, you're running around, burning off loads of energy. At Christmas, you're stuck in.

Starting point is 00:12:40 And honestly, the start of this week, when they were finally going back, Jack and I, I was like, oh, you could see the need for just normality again. And also Laura looked fucking knackered with it. So a snow day this week would have been a special type of dog shit. But also they do Christmas and it's all very great

Starting point is 00:12:57 and then Boxing Day and that's kind of all great. And then they've got a week of just their parents being fucking knackered when they still not got back to school. And you're just like, adults are just like, they're like, kids are still like, what are we doing with all this energy and all these cool things?

Starting point is 00:13:09 And I just, I don't know how you do it. It's something else. Yeah, I know. Great weather for cold plunging though, my guys. Talking about Japanese toilets, let me do my version. Oh my God. I tell you what, cold plunger was great this week. I put snow from the,

Starting point is 00:13:27 not the like, cause they'd been on the lawn and mucked it up a bit. Like from the patio, I'd put a bit of snow in and my temperature thing said minus 0.3. I don't even know how that works. It's meant to get to minus teens in the coming days cause there's another snow. What? Here? Yeah. Oh come on. Not here. No. I mean Scotland, the Highlands. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:51 They are made different though. We're going to have to get those guinea pigs in. There's not a chance. They're outside. What are you doing? They're not there. I hate to bring you to you, they're not there. Listen, if you haven't got sturdy guinea pigs, if you haven't got a guinea pig that can

Starting point is 00:14:08 survive minus four, there has to be a... They live in Peru. I was going to say they're from South America, aren't they? Are they? Yeah. You are joking. You are joking. Cut to Dan licking his guinea pig.

Starting point is 00:14:20 I wonder if there's residuals on his pig. Are they? Have I got mule guinea pigs? Have they got cocaine? You've got dead guinea pigs probably. There's no, you're joking. What? They're not living outside. I mean, it's, they're sturdy.

Starting point is 00:14:35 Get a load of check on them. Guantanamo Bay. Give it quick. Also their water will have frozen over so they can't drink. Yes, they they just like... Listen, I'm not in charge of the guinea pigs, but now this does look like animal cruelty. Hiya love, hiya, how are you? We're just on podcast.

Starting point is 00:14:53 Could you check on the welfare of the guinea pigs for us? We have some concerned animal welfare people in the studio. Thank you very much. Has he, he doesn't know the names of the guinea pigs? Yeah, yeah. It's Milo and Patch or Lilo and Stitch or Bradford and Bingley or something. I love that. Great state partisanship them. Yeah. Roberts and Eberlinson. That's the right thing to do though, because if they do die, then actually Dan's going to be the

Starting point is 00:15:16 one who copes with it best because he never really humanized them and I really like that. I didn't warn him. I went to Nashville and mistakes were made. He loves animals. You did guilt, you did guilt, guinea pigs. No, listen, if I'd love a dog, that'd be great. It'd be really good. Laura, I don't want one now, I want one in retirement. Honestly, there'll be a fucking menagerie when I've retired

Starting point is 00:15:34 and Laura's inevitably got bored of me and fucked off. I'll just be like, Dr. Dolittle. I love this. But right now, what have we got two little fucking- Dead guinea pigs in the garden. Nervous guinea pigs. The kids are like, oh yeah, give them a carrot. They get a couple of days, we get a couple of weeks with the guinea pigs. This is so exciting. And then they're like, they're just really like, they're not givers are they guinea

Starting point is 00:15:53 pigs? Like, yeah, they're not tricks. Yeah, you can pick them up. Oh yeah, you can. Yeah. But it's, it's, but it's like, they've been like, they're just nervous. They think that you're going to cause the nervous. You leave them with the, the outside in the minus four. We had getting because when we were younger, even the ones that were in the house around people, if you pick them up, they shit themselves. They were like sometimes literally now they're like body heat, please. But then jubbles though, jubbles each other. You can't have two jubbles. Oh, well that's the woman. They eat each gerbils eat each other. You can't have two gerbils. Oh, well that's funny. Isn't that the woman that eats the map? They eat each other.

Starting point is 00:16:25 Probably, yeah. Yeah. They eat each other. Eat each other. If you have two gerbils, you have to separate them by something. Just one will eat the other one. Yeah. What?

Starting point is 00:16:33 What? I mean, that'd be fun, wouldn't it? To watch. Because a lot of people say you should get pets so kids understand death. Right, well they go. And also- Watch it.

Starting point is 00:16:41 Cannibalism. Yeah. A lot of animals eat their young. We watched my cat get knocked up. That was quite a lesson. Me pregnant. Thanks for car. Thanks.

Starting point is 00:16:50 You know, it's just part of life. Mommy, I came to give them a carrot. One of them doesn't have a head. Well, you've seen Clarkson's farm when the pig just keeps sitting on the other pigs, baby pigs. That's got bleak on it. Is the malice behind that? Is it more of a just she's a big fat pig. So the pig's huge and the piglets are often tiny and the piglets get into the warmth

Starting point is 00:17:13 and the milk and the pig's massive and doesn't realize she's just rolling all over her babies. And it's really sad. Do they get out? They really don't do they? Right. Okay. Yeah. It was a bleak story Kyle

Starting point is 00:17:25 actually. Yeah. Just start off. Drowning my mama's tits. That's a real pig in blanket that one. Oh, hello. Let's move on from it. Someone's come for jokes. So it's cold. I'm going to a spa day tomorrow afternoon. Captain Matthews coming up. My best mate's coming up for the weekend. So boys massage. I've never done my dad's coming. I've never done an afternoon spa and you're, you're a spasman mate. Yeah. Love a spa. And I think it's the influence of a young Adam and young Kyle. At one point last year or the year before me and Adam were going to a spa at least once a week.

Starting point is 00:18:06 The Titanic one? We've been to the Titanic. The best is the Balmoral in Edinburgh. Oh hi. Hi bougie little bitches. Okay. The best and the pool is so deep. Once a week. We were going to Edinburgh once a week, but we were. Did you think we'll see how far down you can dive and touch the bottom? So good. So we were on tour, weren't we? So every city, we were just going for a spa. Oh, nice.

Starting point is 00:18:26 And then we just kept it going. I love this. So there's one in Alsagier near Crewe and apparently that's shit hot. And they were booked up. But Cardan Park. Oh, it's the best. Is only half an hour away.

Starting point is 00:18:40 Wow. Afternoon tea one, you're in the garden, but it's minus no two. Pills are beautiful outside. I'll take the guinea pigs. Yeah. I'll give it that. Yeah. I mean the guinea pigs in a sauna. It was all steamy. Like the steam's coming up in it and you get out even shoulders getting a little room as well. You need it. Now. What's that? There's a room full of snow. It's not cooking. Yes. It's the opposite of a sauna. You go in and there's snow on the floor. It's very Scandi that isn't it? You're supposed to go from hot to cold to hot to cold. And that's

Starting point is 00:19:09 why they all look bangers. Is there a cold plunge? I'm going to say, I mean, I've been at doors. If you've got a snow room, you've got a fucking bucket. But you can't be like, like when a good lad at 40 turns up for five a side, you can't be in that cold plunge being all like, oh, I ah, going like, I've never even been in before. We did a lot of living. We did a lot of living. It was the first day. You did five minutes?

Starting point is 00:19:33 It was a bit warmer when we were in. You did five minutes? Yeah. Everyone did really well. The cameras were on though, so you kind of got to be like, ah. Cold plunging when other people are there, it's so much fucking easier than at seven in the morning on your own where you're like, it was, I make the idea of going from sauna

Starting point is 00:19:52 to fucking little heated pool to snow roof. So good for you. Oh Lord. I love this. I love that you all sort of like are entering your real housewives era. I really like it. I say entering, but like good for you.

Starting point is 00:20:05 Oh, deep into it. Yeah. My mate Matt was not into it by the way. I've had to like push for this. He was like, really? I don't think he's ever done it. Have you ever been floating? No, but I've heard so much about it in those weird like sensory deprivation pools. Stop it. Are they salty? There's one in town. It's like gallons of salt in it because That's who I make. Another comedian did it and then accidentally got salt in his eye

Starting point is 00:20:27 and then it was all a panic and then couldn't get a finger on it. Oh yeah. Yeah. Just freaking out in the dark. No, you go in and you can have it dark. I don't like it dark. No. Because then I feel like I'm in space. But cool.

Starting point is 00:20:41 Isn't that what people want? Yes, but I don't like that. What do you want on the Simpsons or like season six of friends? Yes. So there's music, there's nice music and then the music stops because you should be like out by then and then the musical slowly come back on and we did it. It's an hour. I went in, you got like, have you ever put like jelly earbuds in with like mold, stereo, the water, you get a halo for your head. So it keeps it floating.

Starting point is 00:21:10 And then you're just basically in there. You can't feel anything. Obviously. What is this? What's it meant to do? What's it's like vibe? It's meant to meditation. What's the, it's a state. What it's not keto. It's like keto or something. It puts you into keto. It's not keto. It's like keto or something. It puts you into keto. That would be fucking awful. It's just come out forced on lighter.

Starting point is 00:21:28 It just come out really boring. It puts you into a state of like you're asleep, but you're not. So like I was in and then the music started and the lights came on. Like the bright light came on. I was like, what the fuck? They made a mistake. Yeah. And I got, I've been in for an hour. It's like lucid dreaming. I thought I'd been in for maximum time. You're like pride from future armor and it's a thousand years in the future some people have trips like because you because you

Starting point is 00:21:49 just sensory deprived just that it's like doing a mushroom trip question go on are you allowed to just piss a bit surely come on salt you've got i mean you've got to clean the tank after everyone so i'm in keto for an hour i'm in a higher state of consciousness. I'm having a, I'm not like, if you're like, oh my God. You're not aware. I'm in a different realm. I'd piss. That's great.

Starting point is 00:22:10 And then you just, and then you just swimming around in it. And that's nice. No, you like bouncing. Am I the only one? Go on. Doesn't mind swimming in your own wee wee. As long as it's like one part wee wee,

Starting point is 00:22:19 a hundred part rest of the morning. So it's actually quite good for you, I think apparently, like, if any like, awesome things. Was you washing hands. Would you piss in the sink and washing hands with it? Listen Carl, I know you're going to take a hard line on this, but if it's a hundred liters of water, it's a big fucking bath.

Starting point is 00:22:36 It's the big weight, liter of weight. And it's two liters of piss because I'm in a fucking, I'm in keto mate. Just weed for three days either. But I got it for Sereka's birthday as she's been in work and I went I've booked us to go to Float Planet we've never been she was like oh cool. I went what and she went you're going to put me in a coffin for an hour on my birthday and she was texting me like slagging it off and she came out and she was like that was incredible.

Starting point is 00:22:59 It does sound like a fucking great date night. Can I also just tell you something so with the Mrs. Add if you've gone into any like public pool ever you have like swam around in paid you know what I mean? Do you know what that smell is? Do you know that? Do you know the smell of a pool? Is that chlorine with urine? So that's ammonia reacting with chlorine so the smell is piss. Is piss. Fantastic. But it's just pissed. That's why if you go into a spa, and it doesn't smell like that does it? No you're right. Well Cardan Park will tomorrow. We'll find out. Yellow steam.

Starting point is 00:23:30 Lucky old pal. This is great. I'm getting out. So I've been taking the kids swimming on a weekend morning. This is our thing. Just to give Laura a little bit of respite because she does more than I do, but I don't mind it. So we go to the one in Ellesmere Park, Brio, not showing off. And the kids, the kids love it. And we've got to the

Starting point is 00:23:51 age now with Jack and it's not a fucking hassle. And he's passed the age where he'll shit in the pool. So there was up until recently, that is always a risk. But they have a swim nappy. They've got those like tights and stuff. I mean, for the first two years of life, they're not even telling you if they're shit. You don't know. Little boys sometimes do a face. Like whenever I nanny, the boys would sometimes just go, quite quiet and you were like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Starting point is 00:24:17 So the face is still happening. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So as we were getting ready and obviously Etta's suited. So that's a ball like to get off and then fucking Jack's got a full Spider-Man body thing. So that's a nightmare. And I was just like, if we need the toilet, we know what to do. Don't we? And Etta was like, yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:36 And then Jack didn't get it. So we were swimming around and he just quietly went, daddy, I'm doing the wee. And I was like, it's fine. Because again, the nappies absorb everything. Just, no, he's not wearing a nappy. Okay then, yeah, okay, great. And he just, it was great watching his face. He just stood there sort of like,

Starting point is 00:24:54 and then looked at me like, we've got away with it. I was like, no. Swam for an hour. No one had to go for a fucking annoying toilet break. It's the next generation of pill pissers. Oh, great. And it's fine. And it's fine. And it's fine. In it. It is. Not in the bath though. I've never done it. And I wouldn't

Starting point is 00:25:12 do it. It really freaks me out. Same with pissing in the shower. I can't do it. I can't do that one. Weeing in a pool. But do you wee in the sea? No. You're in the shower. No, you do not. You don't wee in the sea. I'd go to the toilet. Would you go out and go to one of those rotty toilets behind the beach shack did not! No. You don't wear the seat! I'd go to the toilet. Would you go out and get one of those rotty toilets behind the beach shacks where you're pissed? You're in the sea! I can't do it.

Starting point is 00:25:30 I can't do it. It freaks me out. Bullshit. That's pathetic. But you're getting out of the sea. The ocean. Go to the toilet. You do realise what you're pissing and walking and ads off.

Starting point is 00:25:38 I understand that the sea one is a silly one. That's a me issue. No, we're not judging here. The pool and the shower though, I think is gross. I think the shower is fine because it washes away the bath. Come on bro. But then you will get out of the sea, do that thing across the sand where you're like, go to the beach cafe where there's a pool and walk through actual urine because those are disgusting. Like the loos on a beach are disgusting. Walk with your feet through

Starting point is 00:26:02 actual everyone else's urine, then have a wee wee and then go back in the Osh. Smug. That's why I passed out in the summer. I went to the toilet instead of staying in the sea. Oh, and you went faint and headbutted to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cool move. Imagine if you'd passed out in the sea. Exactly. Yeah. You fluffs. I'm out here pissing on jellyfish. This guy, this hero. What are you meant to do? Piss on the foot, piss on the sting. I love it. You're like, no, I'm just going to piss on the jellyfish. I just go around pissing on people's skin. If you piss on the jellyfish, surely, surely you've like caught off the middleman. Yeah,

Starting point is 00:26:33 but I think the jellyfish will sting you in return and then you're out of piss. No, it's a vaccine. You piss on it, it doesn't hurt you anymore. Do you think it's like kryptonite? It just goes like, because if that is what removes the sting, do you think it kills them? Like when you put candy floss in water. Right. Prevention is better than cure, piss on jellyfish. I love this, Dan. I'll kill them.

Starting point is 00:26:51 Dan hates animals, he wants to kill them. Oh, sorry. We don't have pet jellyfish. Seneca wants to kill them. What? Seneca's dream pet is a jellyfish. That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard. No, she's not, Carl.

Starting point is 00:27:03 Yeah, no, I was trying to- Why is it her dream pet? Because she loves looking at them I was in like, there's really fun ones that look like storms. They're aliens. Yeah. They're the nearest thing. And I was going to buy one for a birthday, but you have to buy the tanking prepare for four months. Yeah. I think I could have hit that. Have you ever been in the Albert doc? Yeah. We did, we did water sports in the Albert doc and we used to have jellyfish fights. They're in the Albert Doc? Yeah, there's loads of them in the Albert Doc. We used to have jellyfish fights. There must be about a million of them.

Starting point is 00:27:31 They're not too cold. Yeah, it's freezing. But we used to like be on sailing boats. We used to throw jellyfish at each other. And then like you'd get out and get changed afterwards and you'd have like little tentacle marks. Are they very stingy ones? Not like bad, but like if you get whipped by a j- I didn't instigate the jellyfish fight but it's a bit, it's like a food fight. I'm not looking at you like I'm blaming.

Starting point is 00:27:51 If you get hit by a sausage roll, you've got to throw a sausage roll back. If someone threw a jellyfish in my face, you've got to start. Sorry, is that, is that the rule? Is that the rule? You can only throw back what you've been- Otherwise you're a victim. Right. Yeah, you're not going to be a bully by going too far. You just retaliate with the same. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:07 You only go. It's a jelly. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. A jellyfish for a jellyfish is all good fun. Yeah. I love these. It's a lovely afternoon at Albert Doc. Sir, we came to see the tape.

Starting point is 00:28:18 Maldon, never mind that. Grab a jellyfish. You can jump in after kayaking and you get out and your lips would taste all acidy because the water's horrible. Horrible. There's loads of them. There must be about a million jellyfish in the Albert Dock and they're all like weirdly see through.

Starting point is 00:28:32 But then when you pick them out, they're like, you shouldn't pick them out. That's insanity. What are you doing? What were you doing up there? How are you even getting to the water? You're going down that little like slope thing. So we're not, we went in the Albert, we were in one of the other docks and then you paddle to the Albert dock. It's one of the other. It was like four docks, isn't it? Yeah. We used to like do like, it was one summer in school. They took us on a trip. We used to like

Starting point is 00:28:54 paddle board and then jellyfish fights. Jellyfish and jellyfish fights. A flourishing in the UK, apparently. They're on the rise. They're fucking. They're flying in central Liverpool as well. Did they fuck? Did they well, I don't know what they do. They just spawn fished on. Fuck another fish fished on. Fuck. Yeah. Laura said she has a genuine fear of sharks in swimming pools. Say. 100% My worst nightmare, a swimming pool in the dark. Or the dark, or the deep end. Do you have a new litter? Do you just like swim, like left your new litter in the dark? He chose to do the sensory decoration pool.

Starting point is 00:29:33 That's why I leave the light on Finn. Guys, guys, the swimming pool. There are sharks. If you, the later it gets, they release sharks in. At the brio in Ellesmere Port? No, like an outdoor one, not an indoor one. No, this is, she's scared of sharks in an indoor swimming pool. Because you can't see the bottom when it gets so deep. You can't see the bottom.

Starting point is 00:29:52 It's irrational. I know it's irrational. We all know it's irrational, even your children. But there was a point, also there was a point when you're swimming when you're little, once you have the thought, you can't, that's it. Like you're just in the pool going, the sharks. It's like, it's, it's so irrational. I know that, but oh my God, that's it. Like you're just in the pool going, the sharks. It's like, it's, it's so irrational. I know that, but oh my God, it was all over things to be more scared of than sharks though. My intelligent animals in the pool. Get out of the pocket of big

Starting point is 00:30:15 shark. We're in trench coats, sneaking into. Yeah, we know they're intelligent. There's more pedophiles in pools than, yeah, but pedophile sharks. God, yes. You don't know. You don't know. You think they're coming to eat you. Yeah. That's why they go around in schools. Right.

Starting point is 00:30:35 He's very good, boys. Good stuff. You're really happy with that one. There were so many rational fears when you were little. I was never a monster under the bed girl, but it was grabbing. It was grabbing someone grabbing my feet. I'm still like that now. Quick, quick, quick sounds truly frightening. Do we all have that? Cause of never ending story is that the one? Like when the horse goes, oh shit no.

Starting point is 00:31:06 What? Never ending story? Is that the one with the big dinosaur dragon? Dog thing in the air. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think a lot of us had quicksand because of a tray going under. The three films in my head are Labyrinth, Willow, Never Ending Story, all that sort of mid 80s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The sort of mid eighties, fantasy. Yeah. And it's very, very like acidy. Like the people making it must've been absolutely, must've been tripping balls.

Starting point is 00:31:37 But it's not like, Oh, it's just only in like the outback. I don't know. I guess. But apparently like on Southport beach, it can be under the bed be under the bed. Quick sound. If you're bad on the beach, I would want to do it though. I'd want to feel it. I'd want someone that had to pull me out, but I would want to feel the sensation of getting sucked into it. Do you think it'd be more like one of those, you know, those plastic tubes that we used to play with that you put your finger down and then like, what would they call it? It would be like that in the quicksand. Initially it would be like... Clip that out for Finn Day that we are doing at Southport Beach. Just going to put Finn in quicksand?

Starting point is 00:32:13 Yeah. If someone's there and I can get out, did you not think it would be sick? Finn, by the way, Finn is the most likely of the four of us to die from quicksand. From misadventure. Yeah. Like of all the... Not easy at all. four of us to die from misadventure. Like of all the... No, I think it would be so fitting if we accidentally killed Finn.

Starting point is 00:32:31 In quicksand. Because he wanted to see what it felt like. It wasn't quicksand. It was just a bottomless puddle that just disappeared into straight waves. It was actually really, really slow, Sam. Just slower responses. Yeah, because Adam was just on his phone, wasn't noticed. Oh, Finn's dead. I would do it. Do you not think it'd be cool? I understand what you mean.

Starting point is 00:32:50 You mean like to put yourself in that perilous situation to see what it's... Give yourself a rush of near death. When I did the skydive, Yeah. the biggest fear for me was like you do the free fall bit. Yeah. That I think is about 20 seconds, but it feels like longer, but you are properly falling and you, I think you reach optimum speed or terminal velocity. I don't

Starting point is 00:33:13 think it takes long. And then that ends by them pulling the cord. There's a massive pull on you, like crotch and where the straps are. And then you feel like, oh my God, that's your body like dying to still be going at that speed. And then it takes so long to float down, just intrusive thoughts. It's that is that felt like 15 minutes of intrusive thoughts of like, what if this just snapped and I just fell? And then there's, then you go, I wonder what that feels like. Free fall without the parachute. Just knowing, like there's an element of it. Did you chat to the fellow when you went down? Like did you try and stay on? You try and like stay?

Starting point is 00:33:54 He was rubbing his butt. You know what I mean? I feel like you've got to stay on side. Are they quick signed up here? No, they were doing a lot of chat on the flight up. And I was with a woman who's, it was her 60th birthday. Are they quicksand up here? No, they were doing a lot of chat on the flight up, and I was with a woman whose it was her 60th birthday, and I think she'd had MDMA.

Starting point is 00:34:10 She was flying. Yeah. You're the... But I've never seen anyone... There was just no fear. It's like she wanted it to go wrong. She's like, it's my birthday. Oh, isn't this wonderful?

Starting point is 00:34:23 And I'm... So you get in there... My husband is terribly dumb. I have nothing to live for anymore. Let's die in Shropshire. My children failed. So you get in and it's like, oh, you're going to go up in the plane now. And that's not passing any, it doesn't feel like it's had an MOT. Because you're in North Shropshire and who's checking?

Starting point is 00:34:44 And so you get in and at one point there was like a window that looked a bit loose and it just had like fucking gorilla tape on it. Never good. You sit back and then the instructors who are gonna be behind you and you're clicked into them. But there's like a setting where they go, now you've really clicked in.

Starting point is 00:35:02 So you're sort of loose. So I'm sitting in between the legs of a dude. I can fit he's behind me. It's very intimate. If I tried to reenact this with Laura, she would reject it instantly. It was so, and then, and then the woman next to me is a six year old, a mentalist and she's between the crotch of a man having this. Having this, of course she fucking is. Oh, isn't it wonderful? That's the only bit she was up there for. I'm excited.

Starting point is 00:35:28 I'm like, I've got GoPros everywhere. I've got an old dude who's like fucking Johnny REF. He fought in the Battle of Britain, so he's fine. And then a lid who's found out that we're doing this jump today, who's a patron of the podcast, has asked to come up and he's just sort of watching me, cause he's like, I love the podcast. So he's watching and I'm trying to keep it like light.

Starting point is 00:35:50 I just, the only fun bit was when we were about seven meters off the ground and I realized that I wasn't gonna die. And it worked to be fair, I'm lying, it was fun. But, and then we landed and she's like, whoa, I'd do it again. She just wanted to be held. This woman just wanted a man to hold her.

Starting point is 00:36:07 And I respect that. She's like, let's take it around again. I think she gets touched wherever. I think she just turns up and just lives every moment in her life with that same level of joy. So she should. I'm going to. I love that.

Starting point is 00:36:20 I think there's something about that. Like women get certain age and you're zero fucks given and you're like, I'm just going to do what the fuck makes me feel alive and gray. Yeah. She quadrupled dropped her HRT and she was fucking loving it. You have this effect on women, like women in, you do, you have this effect. I shagged it. Oh yeah. Illusions of all.

Starting point is 00:36:37 Women of a certain age. Have I told you the story about how Dan Nightingale, it's Dan Nightingale's fault that my mom knows what pegging is? Oh, why did you do it together? Because she pegged me. Oh, no, go on. Tiny Bridget Preston, 68 years old, would like you to know that she came to watch Alexander's when we were both on.

Starting point is 00:36:54 Do you remember, I was MCing. Oh, what a lovely woman. I forgot I met you, mom. Yeah, she was a delight. Well, she hasn't forgotten. She met you. Neither have any of us. I was MCing, lovely Harry Stokini was opening and Dan was there just trying out some new stuff in the middle. Which is very funny by the way.

Starting point is 00:37:08 Uh, but one of his bits was about pegging and my 68 year old mother who was on a bottle of Rose by this point. Um, Harry came up to me after your bit, Harry Stachini, who's just the world's sweetest, most like angelic boy. He's gorgeous. I've known Harry for, he's probably been doing about 10 years, maybe eight years. And my man has got so good. Yeah. And he's lovely. He's just a lovely good guy.

Starting point is 00:37:33 But he's like, not, he's not clean comedy, but he's like a clean cut guy. Like he's a good, like I absolutely like, he graced a few choirs in his childhood. Do you know what I mean? In the same way that Shane Todd has got that like Angelic. No, but like quite a measured person. Even though like you can imagine Shane being quite a sensible 24 year old. He goes to like seven. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Harry's lived life. We saw him at jungle with all these mates and his secret. He came over to me after dance and goes, um, and he was sort of, he's like, um,

Starting point is 00:38:05 I have to tell you something. Uh, I had to, I had to, I had to have a chat with your mom because my mom was sitting next to him and she, this tiny little woman comes up, you know, after him, she goes, well, I just found out what pegging is. And I had to explain begging to my mother because she comes and goes, Harriet, did you know what pegging was? I was like, I could take a stab in the dark, if you will. And she was like, she goes to me, do you think everybody in this room,

Starting point is 00:38:34 except me, knows what pegging is? I was like, well, you could go around and ask. She is obsessed with it. On the way home, she called my dad, who was out with all the rugby lot, and he was like, Nick, do you know what pegging is? He does. The rugby lot. Oh,. No he doesn't. Oh he does. No he doesn't.

Starting point is 00:38:47 They all peg each other. No they don't. With their real cap. They're on tour. And then she has dinner parties, my dad has told me, she's gone to the room. Does everyone here know what pegging is? Like she's obsessed, the night before my brother's wedding, with this lovely roof toast, she's got his two best mates, either side of us.

Starting point is 00:39:03 She goes, I know what pegging is. I was like Bridget! You've unleashed a pegger on the Preston family. She's obsessed with it. She's just, can't believe it. Can't believe she went all those years, didn't have no idea what pegging was. So thank you so much for that.

Starting point is 00:39:21 I mean, you know, it's one thing to know and then it's one thing to- She will never. Nicholas! She will die. she will never. Nicholas! She will die, she will die never knowing what that feels like. I had the irrational fear of buses knocking my arms off. Right. Listen, it is, it does make sense, but I'm giving a small screech just because we've

Starting point is 00:39:37 gone from Bridget Preston and Peggin. Right, go on. Because you know, you like to put your arm out when you're a kid. Don't do that, the bus will knock it off. And then now my, the bus will just come and knock my arm off. You look at that. Now you're still like that. Yeah. How do you indicate?

Starting point is 00:39:53 If they want to do it, indicate. I'm an old school. I haven't got a BMW so I can't. But did folks never tell you if you stuck your head out the window, then your head will come off as well. Yeah, the buses, the buses see it and just swerve and try and knock its arms off. That's all right, I was scared of that. That's fair.

Starting point is 00:40:08 And I've said this before, like Disney characters, like dressed up, stop. Terrified the fuck out of me. Still? No, I'm fine, because I know there's a person in it who I could go, hey, what are you doing? But I thought they were just like, just big,

Starting point is 00:40:23 Just massive. Emotionless, like couldn't speak, like whoa. Well, it But I thought they were just like, just big, emotionless, like couldn't speak like, whoa. Well, it makes fun of the people inside are also just big emotionless. Like makes it even scarier than doesn't it? Legs. Perfect pedophile job. That one. I've still got an irrational fear of Hindus. So that's not left me. Right. You know, you know the context of you've listed them properly. Yeah. Segways are boring. Let's, um,

Starting point is 00:40:57 let's have a break and we'll see you in two. The score bad app here with trusted stats and real time sports news. Yeah. Hey, who should I take in the 2. Or... Ah... The score bet. Trusted sports content, seamless sports betting. Download today. 19 plus, Ontario only. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please go to connexontario.ca. And we are back.

Starting point is 00:41:40 If you're enjoying this episode of the Have A Word podcast, please sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod to get shit loads of stuff. We have 29 and a half thousand, maybe, we're maybe even at 30K by now. By the time this goes out, nearly 30,000 lids know the score. You get an extra episode every Wednesday. The exclusive, you get the early release

Starting point is 00:42:03 of the public episode and a special and also access to tickets first hand. It's all sorts, isn't it? If you want to see Hattie, she's recently done one of our most popular specials, the Roast of Hathaway 2. You can go and see where she's being nasty to everybody, but in a really good way. I think one of our all time most popular specials and one of the biggest things we've ever done is out in February February it is the India special

Starting point is 00:42:26 Maggard Also catch Mad Dat Mondays which have started now Oh, yes, Mad Dat Mondays have started episode one is out episode two should be out when this goes out Which will be with Greg Kading the man who solved the beginning two pack murders. You've got such guests coming up as Joe Exotic Live from prison. So don't miss it. Sign up for Patreon. It is public on Thursdays. We've got any access. Patreon.com.

Starting point is 00:42:49 You just become you become a Lid VIP. Like I've got some new bits nights and I've only put them on Patreon. They they get the priority. They get priority for tickets. They essentially just get all the tickets. Oh, Dan's Anthems is going to happen as well. Oh, it's so close to getting confirmed. This is very exciting. Adam's been doing these country all day. A couple of years ago, I had the idea of doing a sort of a day rave. I really love dance

Starting point is 00:43:14 music. I used to be a dancer. I used to be a dancer, but then I got shin splth. And yeah, content where Bongo's Bingo is. It's going to be a two till nine, some point in the spring, maybe early summer. I reckon it'll be about 20 quid a ticket. We're going to have Felix light a DJ in our very own Charlie. Johnny Bongo is going to do a DJ set. We're going to have our very own. Don't take your own Charlie. You're not allowed. Okay. And I'm going to curate a DJ set. It's going to be like a fun party for people who haven't clubbed for a while. And if you've still got a social life and you like clubbing, it will be a lid based event. I can't, cannot wait to announce that. And again, that will be announced on Patreon first. I'm going to do one as well, but I'm going to let yours happen first. Yeah. I think that would be a bit eggy if you then-

Starting point is 00:44:05 No, mine's gonna be a noughties and nineties pop party. Oh, stop. I'm sorry, Daniel, sounds great, but come on. All right, they're all, but the thing is, I don't like country music, and Adam's country all dayers are fucking class. My day rave will be yours. This is dressing up.

Starting point is 00:44:21 It's gonna be temporary tattoos, hair braids, pick and mix. Hair mascara. Whatever you want. It's going to be a fucking big gay pop. And again, all of these things will go on Patreon first. I'm doing one. Symphony's from the 1800s. Oh, nice. We're going to have Beethoven in there.

Starting point is 00:44:38 Beethoven. I love this. And you'll have all sorts of hair braiding and bum licking. Ruffle making. Just you wait for it. Da da da da. Hair roll's gotta go off. Is Beethoven gonna be there?

Starting point is 00:44:50 No. So keep your eyes open. I'm gonna do a very impressive fun event coming up. And also, am I allowed to say this? You can cut it if I can't. Will, show me some of the drone footage of your Indian special.

Starting point is 00:45:01 It is absolutely unbelievable. I'm saying this because I'm an outsider and I'm not paid to do this. It looks unbelievable, lads. Was it the five minute with the song? Was the one he showed us at the wedding? Made Laura cry. Oh my God. Also Wally here, Hattie, you have a podcast too, don't you? Oh yeah. Kay gets very cross to me. I'm very bad at this. Yes, I also have a podcast. What's your podcast called? It's called Bitmuch Babe. It's me, myself and Kay Nicholson and our lovely producer, Ben, who actually, this is really funny. You've done versus food. We are finding out more and more that Ben has, I mean, more or less not tried

Starting point is 00:45:31 any item of food in the world actually. So there's something coming there. He's also never had sex missionary. He's never been on top. That's missionary, isn't it? Yeah. Right. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Just for the, you know, the prudes out there. He's never had sex on top. Like the, the, the there. He's never had sex on top. He was always been a bit surprised when he's had sex. I think like he's never been quite like, they've jumped in from another room. He's always been a bit shocked at his happening. I think he's never quite got his head in the game, but he's ready. There's never just been like a, listen, I'll take control and then we'll roll over.

Starting point is 00:46:01 He's such a pure heart. I think he's just so delighted he's there. Do you know what I mean? Like he's just so like, he's like a boy pillow princess. Yeah. Hello, King. Hello Prince. That sounds like a shock. Don't it? I'm the pillow king. 50% off all your money back. Yeah. The wacky way you've been inflatable guy. Where'd you find her? Me? The podcast. I'm not making this up. Okay, it's on, A Bit Much Babe podcast is the Instagram and then it's on YouTube as well under Bit Much Babe. Spotify, Instagram, Twitter, all the gaff.

Starting point is 00:46:33 Bit Much Babe. Yes, I really am not. Yes, and the Apple, yep. Now, Hattie, you're a woman. Yeah, thank you, Dan. Thank you so much. And that's a difficult thing to say. In 2024, you've got to be very careful with that sort of stuff.

Starting point is 00:46:43 Sure is, I've got my watch in hand. Have you, have you done X with us before? I think we did. Yeah. Yeah. Cause we're doing great. I love that. We'll do some X ladies and gents and Harry's going to do the jingle. It's a jingle, but it's racist. Go. Don't do it. He's done the same on Dicks. I've got Dicks in the brain. Me. Okay. There you go. It's great. I think that's the finished product. Lily says I have an ick. Me and my fiance were having a conversation about if his mom was going to get drunk at our wedding. Oh, the best parents. And he said, unironically, well, that's a Gibbon. He was adamant. He was using the right phrase. Gibbon. Russell. Was it

Starting point is 00:47:35 Russell Howard? The tentative Gibbon. Gibbon the monkey. That's a gibbon. Yeah. I think he's just being cute innit? No but people have those phrases that get wrong. That's a gibbon. That's a gibbon. You understand the phrases that's a gibbon? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I say that's shea. Go on. Shea gibbon. Nice. I see I like that's a gibbon. I really like it. So I had a new guy back in school who after a teenage meeting in Shadles always used to say, what the shell is going on here? And I was really like that. Was he cool? Yeah. To me. I think it's one of those

Starting point is 00:48:14 things where if you love someone, you're like, oh, that's really adorable. And it goes, well, that's a gibbon. But if you think they're annoying, it's literally push them over the edge. Hopefully she's, I mean, she's going to marry the guy. So hopefully there's an iota of goodwill still between them. I think the worst one is like Elon Musk, like awesome sauce. I think I'd have to kick someone in the bollocks if he said that. Awesome sauce. Richest man in the world. Awesome sauce. I used to say damp squid. Like isn't like, I thought that was the real thing, but all squids are damp. I'm pretty sure that is still the thing though. That's cause you just grew up having jellyfish thrown in your face. So you just got a little bit like waylaid by the whole thing. My mom was, was, um, oh,

Starting point is 00:48:54 he's the shit. Like, you know how people say he's the shit or what? She's the shit. I, I, she's the shit. And they were like, you know, that's diarrhea. Like that's not, it's singular. It's the shit. So that's doesn't mean what you think it means. So what's this? She drunk at his wedding. No, no, no. It's a love it. I'll call never gets the whole thing. She said, is your mom going to get drunk at the wedding? He said that's a given. Not as mom. Why is your mother blotted at the wedding? Oh, that happens. You can't stop him. No, but you can. I think you can. I think for sure. Susie, Susie Regal is going to be fucking

Starting point is 00:49:39 pie. Wait till I talked to her about pegging. Tom says, Ick, my girlfriend, Soph grew up using tooth tunes, toothbrushes, the ones that play a song. So you know how long to brush your teeth for. She's now 26 and still plays black eyed peas. Let's get it started. Every time she brushes her teeth.

Starting point is 00:50:00 That's not the real, does she play the actual version? Yeah. As in like the real version. You know not the real, she played the actual version. Yeah. As in like the real version. Do you know what the real version is? It's our word. And the beat keeps coming. No, that song is not called Let's Get It Started. That song is called Let's Get Rwarded and High. That is the explicit version. Let's Get Retarded by Black Eyed Peas. He's doing it. He's saying it. So it does matter which one she's playing actually. Because if she's-

Starting point is 00:50:26 Are you sure? Yes. Yes. 105% positive. We've all gone, yeah. Let's get it party. Yes, yes. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:33 That is the actual song. And they kind of beat it. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum I'm not Well, they did. I kind of get that. I'd get you up when you're brushing your teeth. Get you like, yeah, you go to bed though. Probably get up unless you get it off. I can't, I still can't decide in 15 years later if the black eyed peas were fucking quality or absolute morons. No, so good. Two of them were good. The other two were kind of there. What were the other two called? Oh, the rapper guy. Silly names. The rapper guy like John I.R. or something. John I.R. One of them was Mexican, wasn't he? Yeah. That's all right. They're allowed in as well.

Starting point is 00:51:12 Yeah. They're allowed to sing, Harry. Jesus. Apple, Apple Diap and Taboo. Yeah. Well, good. Apple Diap and Taboo. It's Will.i.am's name. Which one was the Mexican one? I hope so, yeah. Because that's sick if it is. Yeah. Maybe, you know, he just can't say it right. Will.i.am's name. Which one was the Mexican one? I hope so, yeah. Because that's sick if it is. Maybe, you know, you just can't say it right. Will.i.am. I will.i.am. That's why you wrote that song. The Maccabees on the live lounge doing Boom Boom Pow is one of my favorite ever live lounge. And it's up there with the Arctic Monkeys doing Love Machine. Love Machine. Because Alex Turner laughs during it because he's like,

Starting point is 00:51:46 this is so stupid. And the lead singer of the Maccabees has a giggle in the light and they try and do it in this like your chicken Jack, my style. The lyrics are so insane. But it's good. That's it. But I have a question. I'm pretty sure. Isn't that where Amy Winehouse's Valerie started off? It was a live lounge. It was a live lounge and then it was just so like fucking nuts. And the Zootons recently did Amy Winehouse back.

Starting point is 00:52:13 They did? Yeah. Yeah. Fucking ace. I think she's alleged this Sophie by the way. It's one sided. Sorry. No, I did it again.

Starting point is 00:52:22 No, you're right. You were right. No, it wasn't. No, it was. The offside was mine. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Can I say, I think Sophie with the toothbrush is a legend. I just really think that. We have a song from Dougie. I don't know if you're aware of...

Starting point is 00:52:35 Teach me how to Dougie. Yeah, that's what the kids love it. Oh, the bitches love me. The teeth are fucking yellow, but my God, I've got some fucking moves. So Dougie's the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the cartoon on CBB's. You know, it's Alexander Armstrong. It's Alexander. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they have a toothbrush song and they, it's like brush your teeth for two minutes and there'll be a lot of parents. That feels like a Harry jingle. Yeah. So that's what kids sometimes, kids sometimes brush their teeth to that Dougie.

Starting point is 00:53:25 You've got to start doing the black eyed peas instead. That is more fun. The OG. Daisy says, my boyfriend always gets a happy meal every time we go to Mackeys. He even keeps the toys. That's pathetic. Is he on the spectrum? Is he doing it for the toy? Not relevant. Is he getting it started up in here? What have you got? The book? I think I respect

Starting point is 00:53:54 the toy more. You boo the book. You get books though? Yeah. Yeah you do. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes. I throw it in their face. Who want a toy? In whose face? The Mackie's worker's face. Jellyfish. No one on this podcast likes Mackeys. I was watching a guy who had like Disney, um, um, like toys in the corner is room like Disney, like memorabilia, like look either like cuddly toys or whatever, but like, no, but that's one. And this was like in his bedroom and it was, I was like, this is he's like a grown man. We're just not adding to the moisture. Is it? It's not adding to it. Oh, good. Oh my God. You love Moana. Oh no, Moana.

Starting point is 00:54:30 You know, stitch. I know it's telephonic. Yeah. Oh no, I don't think any man who has driven his lady down to Mackey's and then ordered a happy meal has been sucked off in that car park. No, on that ladies, if you are sucking men off in McDonald's car parks, just have a small think, just have a little chat with yourself. But no, no, no, it's not to judge. Happy meal or no happy meal. No, Dan and a McDonald's. When you're 18 and you've got your first girlfriend. And you take a McDonald's. What's the sexiest Mackie's meal you can get if you are going to get Oh fuck's up my Anonymous. My boyfriend made a sex playlist filled with sexy songs and R&B and for some reason added

Starting point is 00:55:28 love shack. Pussy went dry. Thank you Anonymous lady. That's great. From fucking Drake to that. The transition is quite jarring. Boys to men to love Shaq. Marvin Throome.

Starting point is 00:55:45 The B-52s. And then they did the theme song for the Flintstones film. And they changed the name to the BC-52s. Okay. Wow. Hello. What's your best songs you've had on a sex playlist? Have you made a sex playlist?

Starting point is 00:55:59 Anyone? This is Beethoven. Oh yeah, sorry, of course. I do champagne supernova, mate. You do not fuck. I don't obviously. So we did when we got together, she was a, she was going to a shooting accommodation. Yeah. And there would be music on. So now that music is now synonymous with us getting together. Yeah. There's a lot of lines. I'll write on it. Yeah. No, like video games. I video games. I mean, it's still like, you know, sexy. It is a bit.

Starting point is 00:56:28 We would have been at the point where, because my first boyfriend made me a CD, like made a CD with like songs that he'd put on it. CD? CD, Dan. Mom was making tapes, bro. Was it? I lost my virginity to Snap Rhythm as a Dancer.

Starting point is 00:56:42 Yes, bitch, of course you did. That's a good rhythm, too. It's always nice to have a cancer reference within the song you're losing your virginity to snap rhythm as a dancer. Yes, bitch. Of course you did. It's always nice to have a cancer reference within the song you're losing your virginity to. Yeah. Seriously. I didn't lose my virginity to music. Well, just silence. I lost mine to the 2016 Olympics. At the 2016 Olympics?

Starting point is 00:56:58 The 2016 Olympics. What happened, Tani? In the village. I don't know what you've done. To an absolute shot putter. To a high quantum. Oh, no. in the village. To an absolute shot putter. That's a high quantum. Oh no.

Starting point is 00:57:07 It was the cover of the noises. That's the sound, the kick in it. Every, did they? That's what was going on. Did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they

Starting point is 00:57:21 say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say, did they say school did you get one silver medal in the cycle? Turned out real loud. What? Bianca walked in. I lost my virginity while we were watching the film Boys in the Hood. Gosh, yes. Which I think is why I like black guy porn now.

Starting point is 00:57:33 Yeah, yeah. Is that why you're circumcised? Whoa, he's not. That's a big boy. Be good, Harry. Be good. Osmosis, it where? Oh, I'd love a takey backy on that one.

Starting point is 00:57:41 Whoa, that's a big boy. That's a big boy. That's a big boy. That's a big boy. That's a big boy. That's a big boy. That's a big a take you back on that one. Well, I think that's God. Take one day though. That was a beautiful. It was the women.

Starting point is 00:57:54 Okay. Why is that relevant? You haven't sex with a woman as well, right? Yeah. So she wasn't into Taekwondo women. Was she? I was. I wasn't looking at her.

Starting point is 00:58:02 I was looking at the telly. Jessica Davies says, well, I'm not going to be able to get a good one. I'm not going to be able to get a good one. I'm not going to be able to get a good one. I'm not going to be able to get a good one. I'm not going to be able to get a good one. I'm not going to be able to get a good one. Why is that relevant? You're having sex with a woman as well, weren't you? Yeah. So she wasn't in to take on the women, was she? I was. I wasn't looking at her, I was looking at the telly. Jessica Davies says, just a quick ick lids. My partner can't drive, me neither, so no shade on that part. However, whenever we have an argument, he loves to storm out of the room and shout, I'm going for a drive to clear my head.

Starting point is 00:58:20 In reality, he's going upstairs to play Forza 4 on his Xbox, which he believes is the exact same as going for an actual drive. I don't know if I'm just being overly dramatic, but it makes me respect him less as a man. Yeah, but as a legend, I respect him loads. What other game? I'm going for the shoot that kills people in Call of Duty. I hope he has the steering wheel. I hope he's got the full setup and he's not just using the remote.

Starting point is 00:58:44 That's a nick innit. It is but it's funnier for this situation. I actually love this. I'm going for a drive and you just go up to the other. That's great. When I see the dudes with the, they've got the hydraulic set up and they've literally, and they've got the pedals. Oh don't it's... Not into that though?

Starting point is 00:59:00 I once got cheated on by an ex with Gorbache the Ironhand from Skyrim. Did any of you play Skyrim? He cheated on you with a person, didn't he? You get it, don't you? Of course you do, you little fucking nerd. You little creep. I woke up one night, we'd just started going out, and we were playing in that lovely space.

Starting point is 00:59:17 You know when you just start with someone, you're just like, I thought, couldn't get, like, I can't get enough of each other. Woke up middle of the night, completely by myself in his bed, went into the other room, and he was playing Skyrim. So he waited till I fall asleep to go back in and play Skyrim. Gorbache the iron hand was like his wife for the first year of our dating life. Are you staying with this guy? Are you a Skyrim widow?

Starting point is 00:59:34 Yeah, I'm a Skyrim widow. I lost him to Skyrim. He, I, he, I would, he would literally leave me in bed to go and play Skyrim. I find it the biggest in the world. That's my story. Fuck Gorbache the iron Fuck. I don't even know what she looks like. What does she look like? She better be hot. She's got tits. Shut up. Carl. I'm coming. It's a giant male or he's a guy. Rough one. So he was gay. I could have told you that. I got cheated on my giant male orc. By the way, I wasn't slamming your tits. You were the first person Carl. Patreon.com slash have a word. What the roast. I meant usually these characters have got. All right.

Starting point is 01:00:18 You don't have to. It's all right. Yeah. It's all right. Yeah. It's got a battle axe to be fair. Oh yeah. You don't have a battle axe. I'm one though. Whoa. Gotcha. Lou and Jones says, all right lids I have a nick for you. I went on a few dates a few weeks ago. I went on a date a few weeks ago with a posh bird. It went well and we went back to hers. I can't believe he's a message to her. After the shag, after the shag shag seems a little outdated. She said I was shagging a man. Yeah. After she, after the shag, shag seems a little outdated. She said I was shagging a man. Did I say shagging? Yeah. Thanks.

Starting point is 01:00:46 After she, after the shag, she rolled over and said, oh my golly gosh, that jiggy jiggy was great. I have never wanted to leave somewhere faster. I'd do it for me though, I think. Oh my. In a sexy way? Yeah. Yeah. I think, I think it would as well.

Starting point is 01:01:01 Think about which posh though, is she Southern posh? That's fucking posh that. Oh my golly gosh that Jiggy Jiggy was great. Oh my gosh. That's someone whose parents are going to fucking hate you. You really like tuck me. Even when they die. Yeah, yeah that's what I mean, it's class. Really rattled my bones that time. My goodness me. I'm into that. Yeah. Do you have a different personality when you're hanging around posh people? I don't think so. I think because I sort of had that phase of my life, like at school and I just haven't been back there since ever. Like I'm not that was such a like,

Starting point is 01:01:36 a lot like it. Yeah. It feels real like well educated sluts, like real slutty bunch. educated sluts, like real slutty bunch. Um, yeah, we were like very short skirts, like mad eating disorders, like beautiful stuff. And, um, so yeah, but I'm not really in that. I just don't know any of those people really anymore. So I go more Northern and working class. It's like a, I think a defense mechanism to sort of when they're like, oh my God, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't even try and get on that wavelength. So I find myself leaning into the, it's the opposite. It's if I go out, like I'm, I'm a bit of a social comedian, chameleon for like adapting to surroundings and being like, Oh, this is what will, this is what you're like. This is what we'll do. But I can't do it with if I've ever done a corporate gig and they're

Starting point is 01:02:21 like rah rah rah rah rah and at uni, I cannot do that. There's like an inbuilt like defense mechanism where I'm like, I can't even pretend. We had one recently, do you remember we were out not long ago, just after Christmas and there was a- Oh wow, I saw this Willy. What? That must have been after I left. I saw someone's Willy genuinely within 10 seconds of meeting him. You are fit though. Isn't that insane?

Starting point is 01:02:47 But he was so posh. Was he a dog that was pleased to see you? I'll tell the story. It was at a place and there was a guy. Yeah, you can tell the story if you've been that way. I can tell the story. So it was within my life. He was super like, you know, from the home counties.

Starting point is 01:03:06 He was poked up to his fucking eyeballs. This is a Hublot. Yeah. But he was playing on it. Yeah. And he was taking a piss out of Adam, not knowing that Adam was now going to absolutely fucking destroy him. So Adam destroyed him.

Starting point is 01:03:19 And then this guy was like, oh, let's go outside and get a picture. And Adam went, I'll get Carl and Carl will further destroy him. So we went outside and this guy quickly realized it was me, Adam will and this home counties guns. He'd gone to the bottom of the pecan order, which is not used to. So he went, you look like a nice fit, a good looking version of my ugly mate. I'll go and get him. I was like, Oh, what he's doing is he's trying to bump himself up, put his mate to the bottom. He's anchormaning, he's getting more wanted.

Starting point is 01:03:46 This guy sounds like hard work. Yeah. Where does his dick get out? I'll tell you in a minute. So we got his mate and he's like, he looks like an ugly version of you. And I went, he's a better looking lad than you. And you can see he just went, oh, I'm still at the bottom.

Starting point is 01:04:00 But then he went, let's get a picture. And as we were getting a picture, he just got us, took his pants off, like behind the camera. You're like, look at me cock. But they all do. Posh boys all love show each other's. Where the fuck was this?

Starting point is 01:04:13 We can't tell you. So where you weren't invited. Oh, I've got it. A polo club. You're not just figured it out. Where were you not invited? Where you weren't invited then you just went like. Oh.

Starting point is 01:04:25 The Santa Dash. Yes. Was in a mosque. Do you know what Bevy gave over to me? It just goes, I never want to see that man again. I was like, no, no. He was a lot. He was a lot. I saw his willy. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:42 Show everyone the willy. But they love showing you their willy's posh boys. I've seen just so many. It's rugby isn't it? Yeah well I used to go out with the, sorry moment for me, president of the Durham rugby club. Thank you. How old was he? Thanks, you know, I know at uni, Durham university we were, you know. I think he went like the president of like, it made it like 60.

Starting point is 01:05:00 I'm not above it but haven't. The old boy from the club. Like the. Yeah. I sucked off the groundskeeper. Cause I'm a good girl who works hard. Um, I, why did that do something for me? I saw all of them, all of their willies. Every time I went out, all of them, they just get them out. They just get them out. It's kind of, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:05:22 What is that? Your dad likes rugby? My dad was rugby player. Yeah. Now he's into pegging. This is a natural transition. Jake says, uh, ick, seeing someone checking their eggs in the supermarket before putting them in the basket or trolley. That's a fucking ick. That's just a way you have to check your eggs. Yeah. But not for Jake. He lives on the edge. Who are they? Tereka did this. And she went, I want these eggs, like the bigger ones.

Starting point is 01:05:47 Yeah. And she went, I'll check them. And she took it out and took it out and then dropped it on the floor. And I went, yeah, that's gone, hasn't it? I went, I'll check the eggs. She went, oh. Wait, did you put that carton of eggs back?

Starting point is 01:05:59 No, I went to the guy and made someone drop an egg here. All right. Yeah. Oh, question about those. Do you ever go from the eggs and there's a feather attached to one of them? Love it. Makes you feel more real. Right? Like you were at a farmers market in Asda. Yeah, it makes you feel like it's come from a chickens ass.

Starting point is 01:06:13 What if it was its last feather? I always worry about the condition of it. It's so bald. What? He's just concerned about the bald chickens. When you got it. That could be the last thing that he was holding onto. You've got to check your eggs. What you don't buy eggs. You don't know this, but I do buy eggs. You

Starting point is 01:06:29 open the car when she asks for eggs. And then I always have to check them because I'll be the con you didn't check it. I mean, I don't think I've ever checked anything broke though. Beck says watching your grown ass boyfriend struggle to get into the sea on holiday whilst you're sat on the beach, watching him slip on the little stones and then him turning around to give a triumphant wave once he's actually managed to get into the sea. Stephen Walford behind the camera is pathetic at this. In a certain period he's like,

Starting point is 01:06:54 oh, I don't like it cause no one does, but I'll jump in. Jump in, always. I'll be like, it's gone in 10 seconds. The getting on the sea is different cause it takes long, like you have to do that thing. Yeah, I know. But if you misjudge that and the tides a bit,

Starting point is 01:07:09 you know what I mean? Like it can be quite shallow. So you've got to, the best way to do it is just to look like I'm going to do a mad run where you have to get your feet up and then jump in at the last minute. Anything apart from that, it does get a bit like. But you understand for men, like legs is fine.

Starting point is 01:07:23 And then when it gets to an area. It's the same babe. It's the same as long as it's, as soon as over your fan you when it gets through an area. It's the same babe. It's the same as soon as over your fan you're in. I know getting them in is the worst part. Yeah. Same with the girls. As soon as your badge is in, it's about getting your badge in.

Starting point is 01:07:34 Yeah. Flaps first. Get the badge in. Stone Island. Last one. Getting the badge in before Finn runs out to use the loo, doesn't it? Last one. This the magic before Finn runs out to use the loo, doesn't he? Last one. This is from Anonymous.

Starting point is 01:07:47 My bird of five years has started drinking the remainder of the curry after our Chinese gives me the ick. What? Is he Bernard Manning? What the fuck? My girlfriend is Bernard Manning. But out of the Tupperware, like doing like the corner bit, drink. You get bread and that's for dipping.

Starting point is 01:08:09 Yes. That's the dipping Corey. That's the school. Okay. Can we discuss the word drinking though? Cause if she's doing it with the spoon, I need to get like curry soup. But I can kind of drink it. She puts it like a mug.

Starting point is 01:08:21 Like Michael's. It's just a foreign soup. He's really. Yeah. It's quite viscous.. He's really, yeah. It's quite viscous. Now I'm thinking about it. Haddie, you can jump in. No, I just want to ask the question.

Starting point is 01:08:31 Okay. But, but, but what is it? Is it the same? Are we being xenophobic? Is it the same as drinking the milk at the bottom of the cereal bowl when you finished? That's a private thing, isn't it? Sorry, have I gone too far? What did Adam say the other week? It's between me, God and the fridge. Me, eating corn flakes is a communal thing. Yeah. Do

Starting point is 01:08:56 you like your corn flakes? Do you put the lube on and then eat quick or do you like them to be soggy? No, I like them quick. Do you put the what? The what? The milk. Do you put the milk? All right. It's just lube, benefit. I don't lube up my cornflakes. It's just lube for the crunchier, yeah. Yeah, but you put it and then you like the crunch. Yeah. The thing is about eating them immediately,

Starting point is 01:09:14 you get that one way, it's not even had time to soak in a little bit. So it's the milk and the cornflake and that's a, by the end of the bowl, you get the soft one. People who leave it too long. But do you then drink the milk in the bottom of the bowl? Yeah, of course. Well, I'll do it with the spoon as much as I can. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:30 And then I'll just finish it. So is that the same then? No, you can't drink curry. Imagine. You can drink milk outside of cornflakes. Yeah, you're right. You couldn't drink a cup of curry. Imagine finishing a chicken tigabuna

Starting point is 01:09:40 in one of the metal, like, rectangle things. And then just being like, oh, there's loads of good sauce left. Oh, there's a lot of good sauce left. Right. It is wrong and you shouldn't do it, but I get it. It tastes good. Yeah. If you're by yourself, you're saying like, she sounds like an absolute quarterback. Good on her. She could start for Durham rugby club. Also empty everything onto the plate. Everything. Don't leave anything and then...

Starting point is 01:10:07 Oh no. I disagree with you there. You're not that kind of guy. When we get a curry, we'll get like a couple of bits of meat out, a bit of sauce and then leave the rest in the little tray until you need it. And they put it back in the fridge. I feel like it keeps it warmer in there than on the plate where it goes colder. He's right. Did you not just throw that in the little tray until you need it. And they put it back in the fridge. I feel like it keeps... Do you eat it again though? I feel like it keeps it warmer in there than on the plate where it goes colder. He's right.

Starting point is 01:10:28 Did you not just throw that in the bin though? No, no, then when it's time for more... No, yeah, I haven't done that. I just do little servings. Yeah, but I'm saying... I don't empty a curry out of the... I feel like she's made the food and then gone back and gone, oh, just fucking nailed that.

Starting point is 01:10:38 I'll just drink the tray. She's eaten everything out of it and then gone, oh, there's some good sauce there. I'll drink the sauce. All this talk of food's getting me hungry. Oh, well, I've set myself up for this. Is there a Dan vs Food? There is a Dan vs Food. Press the button, Dan. Here's fucking Harry.

Starting point is 01:10:52 Hattie, your role here is Adam, and you have to introduce this section. Right. Fantastic. Do you want me to do the jingle? Let's do the jingle. As Adam as he currently is. Dan vs Food. So you need to basically say Dan is a pathetic old man who can't eat. Oh, don't say that Harry.

Starting point is 01:11:11 Dan, I would never. Dan, I would never. Dan is a man who is always curious and always trying to self-better. So today he's going to New Year New Meir and try some food that he might previously have been judgy about, but today isn't going to be at all. Yeah, cars was better. So, so you've got what we've got here are corn cocktail sausages. We've gone for a vegetarian. Is that a brand? Of course it is.

Starting point is 01:11:36 Oh yeah, can you show the camera please? You said you can't brand them. We've gone for a vegetarian smorgasbord of fake meat. So this is Meat replacement. Can you show the camera please? Fridge radars, meat free, tasty bites of chicken, but it's not chicken. It's meat free. There is a meat free pepperoni.

Starting point is 01:11:54 Other options are available. Veggerami. And then this sort of like honestly looks like quite well used labia. Well used? And well NYC deli pasta. That's fit by the way. Well used labia. Oh, well used. And well, NYC Deli Pistachio. That's fit by the way. Well used Labia. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:08 And then this sort of just looks a bit like Billy Bear Ham without any teddy bears on it. So Applewood Smoked Ham. Gosh. And then this is a vegetarian sausage roll. Is that from, no, it's a Walls one. I think that's the headliner. So this is all, you can eat all this as a veggie or a vegan.

Starting point is 01:12:24 Here's what's fun about this. I don't eat some of the real stuff. That's what we thought. So we thought you might you might prefer the vegetarian stuff. Do you need the knife Dan? Am I being a special type of spanner? I can't get in there. Blah, I'd pee. Okay we're gonna start with the Corn. Corn. Corn. Do you like cocktail sausages anyway? No. Oh, they're great. All in. That does look like a little pig's dick, don't it?

Starting point is 01:12:52 But it's not, it's not real. Oh, that's a small bite. He's scared. Daniel, remember it isn't an animal. It's just- Oh, that's all right. It's sound, isn't it? Does it make it better that it's not an animal?

Starting point is 01:13:05 Hattie's different. Oh, maybe this wasn't there. Hattie, do you like normal cocktail sausages? It's not the cocktail sausages, the problem is the smell coming out of this labia back in Jamie O'Connor. We've timed this beautifully for Hattie, haven't we? Oh, right.

Starting point is 01:13:21 That's all right. Ah. That's just... Ah. Oh, God. Ah. That was fine. Give me the labia. So cocktail sausage done. All the old listeners go over and check out. So what's this one, what's it called? I can't remember.

Starting point is 01:13:31 It's called the lady that skydived with me. This is this is like bean pastrami. Bean bean. NYC NYC pastrami. NYC deli pastrami. It's not animal slices. It's just plants. New York labia.

Starting point is 01:13:44 It's a vagagool. It's not animal. It's just plants. New York, Livia. It's a Vagagool. Yeah, Vagagool. Oh, he's confused. Dinero's back. It's appropriate for New York, Michelle. My brain doesn't know.

Starting point is 01:13:59 Okay, can I ask? My brain doesn't know what's happening. I know, but mine, because the smell doesn't match up with the thing. No, he has to taste it, he has to taste it. That's the issue I'm having with it. And I don't even care. The smell doesn't match the thing.

Starting point is 01:14:08 It's like I'm eating plasticine. I know. Dan, does it help that you know it's not animal, genuinely? I don't give a fuck about animals. No, no, what I mean is... Fuck the G. Like, you're not like... It's rather it was guinea pig.

Starting point is 01:14:18 You're not seeing the process of it being made to that. You know it's... Does that help? Oh, no, I don't have any ethical problem with them. No, not ethical, but like... Or this is like a pig's foot, like you can imagine. That very rarely registers with me. Jack Finnegan's birthday,

Starting point is 01:14:31 with that smoked fucking bass or whatever. Oh, the deep fried sea bass. They put the fish, the whole fish, on the fucking plate, on the lazy Susan. They kind of open it, don't they? And it just swims around gradually, being destroyed by all the fatties on the fucking table. It was so sexy.

Starting point is 01:14:46 You kind of see it? It had deep fried lips. I know. They do, because we came out from China and they said the way they serve them is like, look, this is what the fish would have looked like in its most full. And you're like, oh, god.

Starting point is 01:14:57 That's so weird, that. OK, but now try this. This is the one that's not to be. I'm sure it's delicious. I just... Applewood smoked ham slices. So they're not ham. But vegan.

Starting point is 01:15:08 Yeah, it's vegan. That one looks the most like meat. Smell it, babe. Mm. Yeah. Come on, you got it. He can do this. Wow, fuck, again.

Starting point is 01:15:22 He loves it. He loves it. He's changed. He's a vegetarian. He it. He's changed. He's a vegetarian. He's a vegan, yeah. He's a vegetarian. You know what, maybe he's a vegan. I love the labia. I reckon this is gonna be great, I actually think.

Starting point is 01:15:31 It is nice. I spat mine out in the bin when I had it before. It's the spice. Oh, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's happening? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What happened? What happened?

Starting point is 01:15:41 Oh, texture. That's what you said. Texture. Get us a bin. It's a what you said! Get us a bin. It's a pepperoni? Get us a bin. They are quite sweaty. Quickly.

Starting point is 01:15:49 Oh, you can't mix these up. This isn't like Robinson's cordial. That's exactly what you said, wasn't it, texture? It's... That wasn't even the pepperoni, yeah. Can you mix Robinson's cordial together? I've never thought about it, but you definitely thought... Is it texture different in your mouth?

Starting point is 01:16:02 She doesn't feel like it would be a different texture. Have you never done the orange and black corn? A lot of people are going to be screen recording what you do. Oh dear. Hi morning Harry. Does it taste different in your mouth? It feels bad to say. With that in your hand as well.

Starting point is 01:16:18 Touching the end of it. Have you had bigger? Is that a good size for a penis? Not in recent memory. Length or gauge? Just out of interest, length wise. Is that a good size for a penis? Not in recent memory. Length or gauge? Just out of interest, lengthwise. Is that a decent size for a penis? I think you'd be a little bit like... Would you?

Starting point is 01:16:32 Mmm, great. He's gonna like this one. Yeah. Just a meat stick. But it's not. Wait, would you just a bit spat out? The apple would... That one. Yeah. Oh, would you just a bit spat out? The apple would, that one. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:16:47 Oh, that's so dry. It's not nice. It is male. Well, I didn't have a minute to work on it. Oh no. Oh no, actually I'm warming up to this. Yeah. Yeah, it's the spicy vegerami.

Starting point is 01:17:02 Yeah. Yeah, obviously it's the cartilena wine veger Yeah. Yeah. Obviously it's the cartilage of why they grow on your down. What can I tell you? Is it better now? Oh yeah. Easy. Yeah. Yeah. Monday night. Fake fit. Fridge Raiders. Now these are great, but they are sweaty. Yeah. And actually they feel like, yeah, the real ones are sweaty. So my kids eat the real, uh, and they smell so pungent. Yeah. No, they stink. Yeah, they do. I like them.

Starting point is 01:17:27 Cause they've been like vacuumed for such a long time. Yeah, they're like in there for like 10 years. What's the colour of the inside then? Oh, oh. Oh, he's skipping. He's coming up. Show us the colour of the inside. Oh, he's got, oh, wow.

Starting point is 01:17:39 That sounds really aggressive, doesn't it? Sorry, colour of the inside. Show us the colour of the inside. Oh. Oh. What was that? Where did that come from? Was it the word inside? No, not for you.

Starting point is 01:17:49 That's absolutely fine. Nice. And final one. Say what? I always said to the kids I nannied, I just respect that you're trying things. Oh my God, my mum said that to me. Sorry.

Starting point is 01:18:00 It was always my thing. I don't mind if you didn't like it, I just wanted you to try it. You didn't do it, had you? This actually feels like it could be right. He doesn't like normal sausage rolls. Am I right? Why?

Starting point is 01:18:11 How long is this set? This has gone on too long. What? She can't eat any more? Stop getting nine things. Just three of these would have been good. Good lad. Oh, I can already tell the pastry's soggy. That's a no. It needs to be crunchy, then it'll be crispy. Oh, flaky. That's a better reaction than you had to the Greg's normal sausage roll. Go on, baby.

Starting point is 01:18:30 He's a fan. Oh, oh, oh. Oh, he's doing the poo face. Yeah, that's not bad. Okay. That's not, that's not too bad. Apparently, and I know we're not allowed to read that. No, the Greg's vegan one is actually delicious.

Starting point is 01:18:44 Like vegan or no vegan, it's fucking delicious. So that's something for you going forward. That's all right. Give us a rating. I'll give you the scores. I'll give you the scores. Please don't bring that thing over to me again. Quorn cocktail sausages, six.

Starting point is 01:18:56 Ooh. That was all right. It was all right. And if you're like, oh, you could fucking eat these. If I was hungry enough, I'd smash all of this. But you know, the 60 year old labia, not for me. Doesn't know what it is, busy. It's like plasticine that's been dropped on the floor

Starting point is 01:19:14 and dried a bit. What's the rating? Applewood smoked ham, four. But when you mix those together, two. This is a wrong gun, three. I'm gonna go seven. Wow! What about the seven one?

Starting point is 01:19:30 We missed one, sorry. Oh, and you haven't done the red. The red traders. Not into it. Four. Don't chuck them in the bin, I love them. I'll eat them too. We'll buy you another packet.

Starting point is 01:19:39 Now, can we go and have lunch somewhere where I actually like? Nando's. Nice. Hello everyone. Time to tell you about my absolute favourite sponsor. It's True Classic Clothing. Now I don't know what kind of t-shirt you usually wear, Carl.

Starting point is 01:19:54 Some shite probably. Shite. But since I've been wearing True Classic, I have been so much more attractive to both the opposite sex and men. But I can judge that. I was in Asda recently and I was wearing a true classic t-shirt and a woman just came up to me and I need you. Oh, shoot.

Starting point is 01:20:10 I want you. And what did you say? I was like, listen, I'm married. I'll see you in the dairy aisle. Yeah. And that wasn't a euphemism. And when I don't wear these t-shirts, my wife's like, ugh, god, what are you doing?

Starting point is 01:20:22 Because they really accentuate the better bits of my body. You know, traps, lats, I don't know what they are. But you look great. I love t-shirts. I'm wearing them every day now. It's something that I kind of do. True classic. True classic t-shirts only.

Starting point is 01:20:36 And jeans. And of course, they're moisture wicking. And now I won't wear a t-shirt that isn't moisture wicking or, you know, anti-odor. If someone buys me a gift, you know, anti-older. If someone buys me a gift I go, is this moisture wicked? Because if it isn't, I ain't wearing it. So true classic.

Starting point is 01:20:52 Go to trueclassic.com slash word to save. That is trueclassic.com slash word. Wear t-shirts, they're cool. Are you a man? Wear men clothes. knee-jerk reactions. That's not really what I do. Is that because you don't have any knees? The score bet trusted sports content seamless sports betting download today 19 plus Ontario only if you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you please go to connexontario.ca Well, welcome back everyone. And we have Elliot Steele. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:21:49 You can't hear that, that is. Oh yeah, yeah. I always forget that when I come on this world that there's like a clicker press and I don't have the headphones to hear them. It's not just me doing culturally inappropriate sounds. Oh dude, that's my action. It is. You tone that down a bit though Oh dude, that's my accent. It is. You tone that down a bit though. I've had to.

Starting point is 01:22:07 There were some comments. Your dad's who? All right, all right, all right. Fair enough. What were you doing? What were you doing? I used to have a very, very, very much more heavy South London accent, especially where I grew up in like

Starting point is 01:22:19 Fort and Heath. Like, you know, if you ever listened to like a, Emile Smith, I was from where, like literally just around the corner from me. And he has like the same thing where every, every comment is like someone going, why the fuck does he speak like that? And you go like, and there's always like a poppy in the person's picture who comments that make it out what you will. And yeah, so I've had to like slightly tone it. But also it's probably like my own insecurity on now. Oh yeah. I'll. I did want to get in arguments.

Starting point is 01:22:45 Okay. Yeah. When, when I've had a couple of road man, I've done it. I had it one time where I was walking. Uh, I was walking through a old street with a, my, she's a fan of this podcast and was fixing things. I don't know whether to call it my girlfriend or not girlfriend yet, but anyway, we'll look for that. Next time we're back on this. Actually delete her Patreon, fuck her. She is a Patreon. Yeah, block her. I was walking through Old Street and we got, this guy like went to her like go and take off your coat darling, all of that sort of stuff. Like just started like really sexually harassing her. And I went from like on the date pretending like, yes, I'm a polite to like, who the fuck are you talking to, bruv? Like into that thing. I like immediately got into like, well, nearly, uh, I nearly get, so I go to like, I went over to just kick him.

Starting point is 01:23:31 And, uh, as I've done that, two of his mates who were like clearly drug dealers have got off a wall and we're just walking down this bit of old street and we're on this quiet street and it's me, her, and now them three. And I'm going, fuck. Like I'm either gonna get stabbed or my head kicked in. So I start walking up and I'm like, right, walk away but talk shit. So like you're backing up, but don't like turn around and walk off,

Starting point is 01:23:56 but like walk away and just be like. There's gotta be a right pace to that. Cause if you go too fast, well come at me. And then you're fucking. You know in Jurassic Park, when the velociraptors are like coming like side by side and you're like just trying to go and I'm walking up

Starting point is 01:24:10 and I go to her, I went, look, if anything happens, you just run off off the road, I'll take a fucking kick in. And we get to the end of the street and I'm still talking shit. And he's like three lads walked by and one of them went, are you Elliot Steele? Stop. And I went, I went, yeah.

Starting point is 01:24:24 And he went, I'm a massive fan. And I went, dude, how big a, are you Elliott Steele? And I went, I went, yeah. And he went, I'm a massive fan. And I went, dude, how big a fan are you? Cause we're about to find out. There's a free picture of this for you, buddy. Do you buy tickets to a show? All right. Do you want to get stabbed in my honor? Like, yeah.

Starting point is 01:24:37 And then they, they sort of walked off and uh, but yeah. And then like I took a cigarette. He was, he was a cool guy, but she always like brings that up as like, oh, do you remember that time? Because if you're ever on a date with a girl and you get recognized It's like a cool moment, but then getting recognized and being like, can you save me? That's it can we normalize that can we normalize just all having fans who would take a stabbing for us? Yeah, I think that's beautiful. I think that's like yeah, that's how you really know someone likes your content Like that would you share my clip? Would you get beheaded for me? That's a rough back alley that and if it ends in a beheading.

Starting point is 01:25:09 There's a percentage of our fans who get beheaded for us. Do you reckon? Comment below. Would you get beheaded for us? Do you reckon you'd, if you guys started a cult. They have. But like really like went for it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:25:24 You know what I mean? If we got some like farmland for it. Yeah. You know what I mean? We got some like farmland in Idaho. Yeah. Mass suicide sort of it ends in like the army having Waco siege level, Dan's there with an AR-15 top plus firing at the FBI. Like that kind of stuff. It's really hard for me to get a working weekend away

Starting point is 01:25:40 from my family. So I think like they'd be there. Idaho cult situation. We would take time after the beheading. Let Laura hold the AK-47. She can be topless. That would be that's the one you want on the door. Yeah. The way I see it's Patreon special where you guys are just for this month, Patreon special would start in a cult.

Starting point is 01:25:59 We would get thousands of people. You could absolutely start a cult. That's a fact. Yeah. You know, it's just a big sleepover initially, isn't it? It's just permanent sleep. That's how all great things start, Dan. It does, it does always end with some guy like, you know, I'm the Messiah and as the Messiah, I need to fuck everyone's wife. You understand this podcast has that person. He's just not here today. That is Adam. I could do it. Is he trying to fuck my wife? I don't know what it my wife? I'm the Messiah. Wouldn't he? I could

Starting point is 01:26:28 be an apex sexual predator. I truly think it's just cute when women give it a go though. It's not, it's not got the same. She couldn't, she could never. Has there been any like culty women that doesn't ask them early? Yeah. It's a, it's a, yeah. The Kardashians babe. Look what they do to them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a cult. I had myself early doors with early doors. They finished. They changed men right into women. Right off. Uh, Caitlyn Jenner then came out like everyone made her a woman of the year and now she's come out against like LGBT things. And it's amazing. She's tough. It's so funny when you do look at bits on the left and you go like, please just do four minutes of research onto

Starting point is 01:27:10 who you champion sometimes. Yeah. Just cause they, and then you put in like a right wing Republican just cause they're transgender and now they're doing untold damage to like the cause that you want them to do well with. It's just perfect. It's again that sort of, it's a, what did Sloss call it? A grift. It's like, ah, people seem to be losing interest. Ah, how do I get the attention again? I'll just go this way. I think it's, I think it's just a shift in culture. I think for 10 years, the left has owned culture a little bit and we got boring with it. And because we made everything, and I hate this word, woke, everything became like a similar thing.

Starting point is 01:27:51 And so people have like shifted their viewpoints to the cultural aspect of things. I'm not saying who's in power, just culturally, they are now shifting towards the right because it's like, you know, and in terms of like just YouTube and algorithms, because what was being put on television and so on, Fetidum was a boring, you know, and in terms of like just YouTube and algorithms, because what was being put on television and sort of Fetidum was a boring, you know, liberal, every show, it can be done well when it's euphoria, that is a woke show, but it's brilliant. It's so good.

Starting point is 01:28:15 It's so good. So good, innit? It's great. But then when it's just another show going like, oh, look, toxic white male. And you go, but I've seen this in every show. Or someone has a panic attack and you go, yes, I don't need this to be in every kid's cartoon

Starting point is 01:28:30 that I've shown my niece or something. So they've shifted towards the right and they're now getting boring already. Like they've had two weeks and they're already, everyone's like, this is kind of shit. The fat boys having a moment, but I think everyone's like, oh no, wait, we did this in the nineties. Like the trad wife in America, like the trad wife,

Starting point is 01:28:44 this thing, have you seen this on Instagram? I've seen on Instagram, the trad wife is back. You're like, what? It's 2025. So the trad wife is like a return to like, like fashion wise, it's all these like cute, like peasant girl kind of Bardo, shh, out to their shoulders, they've got like their long hair kind of curled and they're cooking for their families. And it's like, Hey, I think women should be able to vote because you should be able to vote because like a regressive cool girl. Yeah. They're trying to neo-feminist it, which they're like, see, it's just, it's being at home as well. Like it's almost like coming in on the back of the self care thing, which is like ladies, it's okay to just be soft and be yourself. You're like, no, no, no, we know it's okay.

Starting point is 01:29:20 But like, we don't have to do it. Like everyone, it's the trad wife thing. I find really scared. The cooking shows are back and they're like childcare influence the things about you're like, ah, it's rebellious. That's now rebellious. Exactly that. I remember going on, I went on, two different girls like a few years ago

Starting point is 01:29:36 and they had like started, they were like talking to me about how they liked Andrew Tate, how they liked Christianity, how they liked, like it was weird. And then one of them did start denying the Holocaust to me, which she had to be hard to deny. She soft launched Holocaust denial. Like she just started like just earring into-

Starting point is 01:29:55 Just to the waters? Yeah. And I was there like, all right, well, I would have been on a train. Like my grandad was like, you know, I was just there like, oh, okay. And I've never like slept with someone and ghosted them as like more of a like-

Starting point is 01:30:07 Oh, you still- No, no, Jewish heritage. She's denying the Holocaust. We're like, look at those breasts. You were fucking my guy. I did it, I did it, I did it for all the people that died. I was there. They would have wanted me to, and then I ghosted her because I was like,

Starting point is 01:30:26 that's, that'll teach you to deny the Holocaust. Do you know, do you know my racist bit about shagging that America, he's got a bit about it so I'm not oversharing. Shagging about the American girl who was super rich. And he's like, she's like, I ain't rich. And he has this whole bit about like, I remember getting the phone call after his like second date

Starting point is 01:30:41 with her being like, she's fucking awful, how she's absolutely fucking awful. She's so rude, she's so nasty. He he's like so after we'd fucked I was like what do you mean? I was there when they met and we were all like worst woman ever. She's fit though. What? I think you guys are perfect. I think you're perfect. Sorry. Mel comedians are perfect about everything I've ever said. You're perfect. That's the, I don't, I think if it's like a fair, like if you denied the Holocaust, you're allowed to be ghosted.

Starting point is 01:31:13 Yeah. Fair folks. I think that's a fair. Bad podcast. Probably not. I think the first episode might get some numbers. I've never seen call me daddy, but this is what I imagine it's like. No, that's bad. There should be caveats.

Starting point is 01:31:29 Girls, you're allowed to ghost. Holocaust and I'll try to have one of these. By the way, there is a massive step up from, oh, we're on a night out. Oh, she's kind of showing interest. We're getting on it. It looks like she's keen and now we're going back to hers to we are a thing, you're meeting my friends and then part of the next level up is family. Like the dad is there's so many steps of like,

Starting point is 01:31:56 you've got to do so much sort of too diligent and vetting before you take her to an event where all your mates are. That is that you can't take the, oh, I got a rat, because you'd get killed. No. I don't think it occurred. Sounds great.

Starting point is 01:32:12 Yeah. But to just, like, just in the night, be like, oh, well, yeah, we could just get it Uber now. That's fine. Yeah. That's Holocaust, it's fine. Click back. That's in the trailer.

Starting point is 01:32:24 Click back, that's the trailer. Yeah. A Holocaust fine. Clip that. Yeah. Clip that as the trailer. Yeah. Holocaust, the name, Chad. Oh, God, both. But I guess that's the thing for people growing up, especially, I don't know, young women is like, it's now to be rebellious. When you want to rebel at that age,

Starting point is 01:32:40 to embrace Christianity and modernity is now more rebellious than to be like, you know, my pronouns and all of these things. And we're going to see, that's going to be where the culture shifts to. And we're going to get a fair bit of their culture, which is good for comedians because we can slack it off because it is stupid. And it was harder to slack off the left-wing things because you would be labeled, you know, you can be labeled sort of it, but it's good for art. I guess. It's going to be awful when we all drown and burn in fires and stuff. So you think it's shifted from left wokeism to alt right and now it's going back to like Christian. I think it's in the shift towards the like,

Starting point is 01:33:16 the Christianity, we need to embrace modernity and all of that. The problem is, is that the left, all left wing people want to do is fuck up your dinner party. That's really what we wanna do. We wanna- And they coined this phrase a few years ago, the emotional belligerence of the left. And it is the exact right thing, the emotional belligerence, which is exactly that.

Starting point is 01:33:34 Like having a conversation that's like, lols are nice. And then someone's like, someone flies in with the fucking like facts about- Hey, actually. Yeah, like actually, sorry. Actually the number of like deaths in the bike community. And you're like, oh God! Like there is a lulz kill that comes, that happens with a lot of people who are extremely left.

Starting point is 01:33:50 I like the dirt bag left. Yes. Exactly that. Where you're like, yeah, you can bomb it. You want, yeah. Not the dinner party. Do what you want with your fanny. If you want to make it into a penis, it's all good.

Starting point is 01:34:01 I don't give a fuck. Call yourself whatever pronoun and whatnot. Still allowed to make jokes though. That does ruin a dinner party still though. If you say bum whoever you want. I don't know, it depends on dinner parties. Oh man, you've got some dry dinner parties. If we've, I'm not going to start the conversation about bumming, but if anyone presses me on bumming, I'm going to be like, bum whoever dirt bag left basically like it's everything sounds just to give us a shit.

Starting point is 01:34:28 But then still the vulgar left, they take the piss out of it and make jokes. Isn't that the back? Come on. Isn't that where we all want to be to basically be tolerant, but still be a bit of a cunt about it. Sometimes what's the dirt bag right? How does that work? Yeah. You're hardline on traditional values and immigration, but you are having sex with an Asian dude on the slide. Although you never

Starting point is 01:34:56 say it at dinner party, you'll bum who you want. So it's all about bumming whoever you want to get. The next general election, we'll be running on the bombing preferences. But as a 44 year old white Northern comic, it's not 44. Oh, I am Nick. Oh my God. I've got so close to my birthday. I've, I've rounded up. I'm 43. I'm 43 bread. I like, I don't him. I don't wanna be seen or perceived as like, oh that old dude, it's all, do you know what I mean? I hate that. I talked to a comic, this is a couple of years ago

Starting point is 01:35:34 in a dressing room, who's my age, and I've gigged with him for years around the Northern Circuit, and he was like, what the hell is shit? What a load of rubbish. I know he doesn't have. You're fucking gender. You just open your pants and have a look what a load of rubbish. You're fucking gender. You just open your pants and have a look what's down there. That's your fucking gender.

Starting point is 01:35:48 And you're like, how? That makes me want to go on a rally. I'm so worried that I ever get perceived as that. The jokes and the fucking around. And this podcast. You've done the joke because you will be that for whatever's next and it'll be AI. But you've done the joke on stage of, you can't say robot. Yeah, the whole word. We will be there at some point.

Starting point is 01:36:09 We'll be bigoted, but it'll be towards. Oh, I'm gonna be racist as fuck to robots. What is it now? Generation Beta? Oh, they beta? Yeah, the new fucking, starting this year. Oh, what I was gonna say. That's fine. I mean, I've got a seven-year-old so she's going to join the fucking Orthodox Greek church. She's going to rebel. No Etta, you can't go to even something. Would you just be cool one time? It's my turn, I want to watch songs with friends. Have you been reading the Bible round the back of the ass again?

Starting point is 01:36:42 But I think there's a thing, and I have this as I'm like, I'm near a failure, I go, I think there's a thing and I, I have this as I'm like, I don't like I'm near a face. I go, there's a thing that happens with guys where we become sad overnight. Like it just, just the vibe is sad. 2011 we come. No, but you, you're, you're married with kids. So you've avoided it. Oh, how you avoided it?

Starting point is 01:37:00 I don't know. No, no, no. It's a different, it's a different thing. When you're married, if you're a guy who's married with kids, you don't have to fucking know you just be a dad. It's fine. I like it. Do you know what I mean? You're just, you're just taking myself out of the conversation by doing the dad thing. Yeah. It's like every night you, you have a stag do you are looking forward to that's happening in 15 months time. And it's all you think about that is what happens when you are a dad. That's the point of it.

Starting point is 01:37:25 Yeah. Right. And you're going to go and you're going to go to bed early on it because you can't keep up with all the young. Oh my God. I did as well on Will Stag do I had to go to bed early on the second night. I was so pooped. Okay. You own your power. We've been day drinking. That's exactly this is the Mark Nelson bit. You get to an age where you're like, you're fucking having a stag do. You're almost pushing people to get married so that you can have the weekend away in Prague. Yeah, so I had a night out with Milo McKay was there and Milo had been messaging me about it was last year at the Comedians Christmas party, had been messaging me for months about this night out and on a night out was so excited and stuff and I

Starting point is 01:38:05 had to be like Milo, man, I can do this on a Wednesday. It means nothing. Like I need you to not be this excited. So because for him, that's his next big night out. For you, there's 11 nights out in between. Yeah, I can just go out. Like last night, me and Jermaine finished Top Secret, we went and just got dinner till like whatever time. Cause there's no responsibility. There's none. We could get home, get home and there's no responsibility. But if you're in your forties as a guy still doing that, it becomes sad. It just changes it. There's a sadness to it. And they regress and they start watching cartoons again. Okay. Let's not knock everyone who does that. I never stopped watching cartoons.

Starting point is 01:38:46 Oh God! I've got my robot with it. There's some very good adult cartoons out there. Just because I'm watching Adventure Time and doing Ketamine. But you are so right. And then those fellas go out, because actually my lot are getting to that age now and they're all brin on the ham, the sagdoo.

Starting point is 01:39:01 Oh really? You saw the Gavin and Stacey at Christmas. Yes, of course. They're all brin on the Stag do. They're just like with like a plunger and thing. We're like, let's just, you're ready to do this, do we plunge? Should we just take us off this clothes off?

Starting point is 01:39:12 And you're like, oh fuck. Yeah, someone needs to force fun on the Stag do. And yeah, that's my like. What's wrong? We're just making thumbnail pictures. Sorry, it's really off-pointed. I noticed about two months ago that every picture Jack took of me is from the set because he can't get round to get a different angle.

Starting point is 01:39:30 So I was like, I'm going to add to it. So I saw the camera and went, we were just doing that. No, did it say that thumbnail? Very good. Um, but yeah, I think there's like that thing that comes in with that. I'm now aware of as a guy where I go, Oh, that all that can happen. You don't want to 28. You're in the zone. I know, but I can, I can see it happening. I like, I like that you're looking ahead. Horatio has got the same thing.

Starting point is 01:39:56 Horatio has got this thing. He's like, I'm terrified about being, and he like will let the version of the male cover, which is it just gets a bit sad. I don't want to be, imagine being like the 42 year old comic in Edinburgh. You're talking to a flyer. Like, yeah, I was in this. Your dad will know it. Like that kind of conversation. Like, you know what I mean? Where you're just there and like the Holocaust. Then she says, but you still not heard about it. Yeah, she denies it happens and then I can take her home and not feel any bad about it.

Starting point is 01:40:31 Oh my God, it is. But I've got this theory and I was talking about a female comedian friend of mine. I think it's the fellows, it's not all, it's not a generalisation. It's the male comedians who forgot to have a life. It's the ones whose happiness on the top of the mountain top was always success going, the career going well and success and the money and the did it. And they forgot to do the rest of it. They forgot to do their social relationships and their romantic relationships. And if they want kids or don't want kids, whatever, but like the life life stuff, like I was sorry again, shagging a male comedian like years ago. And I remember him saying

Starting point is 01:41:01 to me is like, dude, I couldn't take a holiday. Like I couldn't go. I would, I couldn't not do stand up for a week. And I, I like my male comedians funny. Um, and, um, but no, he was like, I could not, I could not do stand up for a week. And I was like, I know you think that's meant to be impressive. I know you think I'm going to say, he'd be like, Oh my God, he's so dedicated to the game. I was like, that is the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard. Like you're going to miss the whole world. You're going to miss the whole world for this thing.

Starting point is 01:41:34 But that's, that happens a lot with men, I think, because there is this pressure to go out there. Like you speak to any guy who works in the corporate world, wherever it be like banking law and that they spend their whole life career driven, that they then get to this place where suddenly, if you ever meet those people, they're the saddest people because the weekend is just like, got to cram in the beers to drink the drugs

Starting point is 01:41:52 and the partying and all of this and going out and all of their relationships are based around money and all this thing. But in them is this like deep sadness that you do. I think as a guy is just there where you like spend your whole life chasing this thing. And then eventually you're on your deathbed and you go, Oh, it was my friends and family all along. Yeah, but the truly brilliant people, like in all art forms, the ones that have really pushed the boundaries and like there's so many examples of them

Starting point is 01:42:16 being unhinged, unhappy, just going to excess in their sort of art form to the detriment of their health and their life. And it's, it's great to be like, you should be a well balanced person and enjoy a normal healthy life. But does that make you a better musician, comedian? Like that's the other thing in your head. Like I want a healthy life and a balanced life. It doesn't make me a better comic. Doesn't, doesn't the, does it? I don't think. Going out on a weekend and cramming it in, you get the funny comic. Yeah. Doesn't the, does it? Is it funny, is it? I don't- Going out on the weekend and cramming it in,

Starting point is 01:42:46 you get the funny story. Yeah, that is true. But then I guess what we're saying is what do you want? Like if you go through life being like, do you know what you want? Do you want to have a life that's full with all the things and not be on your deathbed being like, fuck, it was once again so long and I forgot to do that.

Starting point is 01:42:58 Like it's what do you want? If you want to die alone, Ernest Hemingway, like fucking God bless you, go for it. But like don't bitch and moan in a green room and ruin the rest of our nights. If like, if you've decided to go down that route, if you decided to forego everything that's going to make your heart good for this, this, this insane ratty world that we're all in. You know what I mean? Yeah. I remember having this moment where I was with my girlfriend, not girlfriend, whatever she is, when this comes out. Yeah. She's a wonderful woman. You should lock that down. We're taking a ring shopping. She

Starting point is 01:43:35 paid for that water. But like having that moment where you go, Oh, this is what I spent on the thing. Like I remember this moment, like being with her, like I was watching that film where we're just there making each other laugh. Like, oh, this is what life's about. And I thought, oh, this is like one of the peak happiness moments. And then I thought, I don't know, that time you smoked crack was pretty good as well. And you go, that was way like, do you know what I mean? You go, that time was way better as well. And that didn't involve lava or anything. That was just, that was just in the moment you smoke crack and go, oh, fuck, this is pretty great. Oh man. It's the shit I get the fuss. I've heard it's unbelievable. I get it. I mean, people who do it tend to keep doing it. So my problem is, so I went, I, uh, I accidentally

Starting point is 01:44:15 sort of ended up doing it and it was just like a miscommunication. I was doing a drug deal, but what happened is the car pulled up. I got into the wrong car. You know, like, you know, like in a sitcom where they're like, there's like a mix up and they're like, it was like that, like, but with crack and I got in and like was going to go and the guy was like looking at me like, but like I had money out, so he was going. It feels right. Yeah, but he looks wrong. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:44:51 But I'm on crack. And then there was this other guy, like at the end of the street, looking at me in the car, kind of like. Right. And then I went, I went, like, what's going on? He was like, you want this, yeah? And like showing, it was like rocks and stuff.

Starting point is 01:45:04 And I was like, oh no. Like, no, no, no, no. Like, like, what's going on? He was like, you want this, yeah? And like showing, it was like rocks and stuff. And I was like, oh no, like, no, no, no, no. Like, oh, what am I like? And then like got out of the car and was like, I think that one's for you, mate. And like, he got in that. And then my guy was like, no, turn it off. And he was like, yeah, you got to do it. And he was like, do you want to try it?

Starting point is 01:45:17 I was like, yeah, go on. That is so, I've been there when you're like, I thought I was going to do drugs. I don't want to do these drugs, but it's better than doing no drugs. Yeah, it's way better. And then like I took, I don't, I don't know if I inhaled it like correctly or I was scared. I was so scared. I was like, no, no, this is the one. This is, this is like just the one below heroin. It's the one below heroin, you know what I mean? It's like, this is the point of no,

Starting point is 01:45:47 like you should, like anyone in your family who saw you doing this would go, are you fucking joking me? Like we didn't raise you that badly. We didn't raise you crack badly. And I was like, yeah, that is good. And then I had to just go back to my mates and that didn't happen.

Starting point is 01:46:03 And, but man. With a bit of a tickly cough. And, but man, I, I, with a bit of a tickly cough, just like, wow, this MDMA is good. And then it kicks him fast. And, what'd you do it again? There has not been a single day where I haven't woke up and thought about it. Carl. What has stopped me is the inaccessibility because I never got that guy's number.

Starting point is 01:46:23 So I can't, you can't just, I feel it's weird when someone sends you a menu. He's not the only crack dealer in London. Yeah, but you need crack pals. I think you need crack, you need crack pals. You know, like the secret menu at McDonald's, like if you get takes from a drug dealer and it's like, okay, mushrooms, this, that I'd feel like you have to know the code word to be like, cause you don't want to message a drug dealer. Can I get crack? And then go, get the fuck off my phone. How dare you insult me. Yeah. You don't want a drug dealer to take the moral high ground on WhatsApp and be like,

Starting point is 01:46:49 disgusting. It's like asking a trad wife anal. They can't. Can't you bum trad wife? They love it really. They love pleasing their husbands. So good. You're so right. Good girl. Yeah. Yeah. But I wouldn't like every time Hattie says good girl like that, it does something. I'm convinced. It's like it's like the last bastion of the English class system, which every now and again, if I'm like, like I can really wind up. There's another male comedian who if I go really like Plummy and posh, he gets, I know he's not talking anger. No, I know. Yeah, I know. I'm human. It's called. This is what my penis looks like when I'm angry. It's called power boys. So

Starting point is 01:47:30 if someone goes, lad, I've got someone, would you go, ah, that was no, I think I would be like, I can't make this a thing. I've struggled with quitting smoking like crack. It's like you're at a crossroads, not crossroads, but you're at, you're at a point in your life where you're starting to sort of worry about being a sad, like early 40 year old, but also sort of teetering on the edge of doing crack. Like it could go one of two Wednesdays earlier. You could go Jacob Hawley, two kids in your early thirties and crack dead as an alternative. I think I am regretting telling that story. Cause my dad listens to this when I'm on it.

Starting point is 01:48:08 He'll go, oh, I'll give it a listen. And I always have to be like, oh, okay. And then like, cause I don't know if you've guys have had that where your family watch your stuff. You then like go on a podcast and you tell something and you walk away and go, oh fuck. They're going to know about that like thing. My dad's asked to see the roast that we all did.

Starting point is 01:48:26 Oh no. Oh God, really? Oh God. Yeah, your family being involved with your content is a tricky one, especially when you get it all out. But I just have to let that go. We got my porn Twitter out on an episode and went through what I followed on my dirty Twitter.

Starting point is 01:48:45 Oh God. You can't think about, oh yeah, my sister has these. Oh my God. Elliot, can I ask you though, do you not think there's a part of your parents who must know you inside out back to front that's like, they won't be that surprised

Starting point is 01:48:55 that you've tried crack one time? No, I think they would be shocked. Yeah, I think they would be. But then also, you know, my dad keeps putting up pictures of him with Shappie. So in some ways he's smoking crack and putting it online as well. Like it's like my dad keeps putting up pictures of him with Shappi. So in some ways he's smoking crack and putting it online as well. Like it's like he keeps putting up pictures of him with Shappi. And I've gone, please stop putting up pictures because they get put in.

Starting point is 01:49:11 I'm in a comedian's WhatsApp group and I go, you step out with your dad again. I know they're in love, but it's like it's like my dad's a comedian as well. This is part of nepotism no one's allowed to complain about. Do you know what? That's funny. Actually, we've tapped into something. I think one of the worst qualities a comedian can have is sincerity in terms of their reputation. Do you know what I mean? Like when a comedian puts something like that, so in love with this woman, she's absolutely changed my life. You're like, you're dead. You're dead. Like you're dead. Close

Starting point is 01:49:39 friends. Close friends. In terms of reputation, nothing is worse for you than being a sincere loved up person, but they are very in love and it's very sweet. It is just the thing when I opened a WhatsApp group and I'm like, Oh, 15 new messages. I wonder what's going on. My dad's taken a selfie with Shafi and Mark Nelson's put it in the group chat. There we go. Is this you trying to rebel? I smoke crack just so.

Starting point is 01:50:02 Yeah, this is my real mom. Well, I will. But Shappie's so cool. She'll be like, I think it's great that you're smoking crack. Yeah, she'll be like, yeah, I think it's cool that you're like exploring yourself and discovering that about you. Your dad's cool. Your dad being at that gig in Brighton

Starting point is 01:50:18 was one of my favorite, one of my favorite gigs. That was such a fun. Yeah, that was cool. We had a nice weekend. That was really good. And your dad was at the back and I had one of them sets where you're like such a fun, yeah. That was cool. We had a nice weekend, that was really good. And your dad was at the back and I had one of them sets where you're like, oh, I did that good. And then he, considering who your dad is, he was the most generous and nice person and

Starting point is 01:50:36 very complimentary and like he's a good egg. I love that you still have that. There are people who you're like, I hope I do really well in front of them. I have that all the time. Yeah. That's so lovely. Well, obviously I I have that all the time. Yeah. Well, obviously I do, but I just like, yeah, Mark still has a fucking name when I started out. Like, and then obviously I never gigged with him or knew, and then we became like, we worked

Starting point is 01:50:55 together and you're really good mates with people that I'm good mates with. And then we've become a closer mates because of this, but we were in Brighton and that's where your dad lives, isn't it? And he came down to the comedian and we were both doing sets and I was just on good form. But it was one of them ones where you're like, you really wanna be on good form. Cause it's Mark Steele.

Starting point is 01:51:15 You wanna, you know, I did a gig where Kitson was in the room. Very, very early doors. And I was a special type of dog shit. I was a special type of dog shit. I was so shit and he was like, he was, he wasn't rude or anything, but you knew he thought I was shit. I was a year and a half, two years in and he was Kitson. Was that the only time you've gigged with him?

Starting point is 01:51:39 No, here's the other one. I did a panel show in Edinburgh with Matt Ford and John Richardson and I stunk that gaff out as well. No, no, no. No, it was a shit. Guess who is at the back. It's just the Oracle, Dad and Kid. That's, yeah, that's a bad one. I had a death in front of all of my dad's like old comedy pals at Glastonbury. Like at 17, I, and I mean, die. Like, and I used to have this joke, right? Again, like this

Starting point is 01:52:14 kind of thing, the sort of hack premise when you first start out, I was like 17, when you talk about like people find out you're a comedian and like, Oh, tell us a joke then. That just, you know, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. And I do that. I was like, Oh, I haven't told one today. And some guys shouted out, we've noticed and the whole tent laughed. And then I like had to like walk off, like shaking kind of that deaf, you know? And I don't mean like you didn't do, you know, when we go, I stay with you, I know I didn't do well when I'm calling it a deaf. I mean, I didn't do well when I'm calling it a death. I mean, what everyone's fear of public speaking is the just... It's a real like soul shudder, isn't it? Where you're like, oh, not only is it rough, but

Starting point is 01:52:57 it also like you're working so hard and your dream is to be wherever you want to be. And that can really like chip away at the foundations of, ugh, when new comics are like, I'm doing my first gig, I've brought 40 of my friends and family like, mate, hide in the fucking, in the bushes comedically. Just sneak off to the comedy gig and do it quietly. Don't fucking ta-da to your whole family

Starting point is 01:53:23 until you even know like the basics. But did you start comedy in London? Yes. So how did you start? Because the open mic... Nepotism. The fuck do you think? I'm not open micing. You see how we spoke about my dad? If my dad came along... Do you know where his new step-mom is? Yeah. My point being in London. I'm a crack smoking nepo baby. If my dad came along, fuck that. Do you know who his new step mom is? Yeah! My point being in London.

Starting point is 01:53:46 I'm a crack smoking nepo baby. Oh my God, you are as well. You actually are. Yes! But in London, the whole open mic is bringers, isn't it? I mean, I didn't start in London either, but like the big point is, I'm always like, how the fuck does anyone, I wouldn't have gone. I've got a deep shame about this.

Starting point is 01:54:03 You didn't? I didn't open mic. Top've got a deep shame about this. You didn't? I didn't open mic. Top boy, straight in. I was... Open spots? No, I wasn't doing paid work and stuff, but this was actually well thought out by my father. Oh, this is my...

Starting point is 01:54:18 Sorry! You're a cracker then! How is this making you more awkward than I smell crack? Because I'm insecure about this. I don't want to ask you insecure questions. So I started at 16 because I was kicked out of college and stuff. And my dad was like, you've always wanted to do comedy. You should go do comedy.

Starting point is 01:54:37 And I started doing gigs and things like that. And then very quickly, like, we see something in it. And they saw me being a very different comedian to the one I am now. And they would put me on in between previews to do like five minutes while people were doing their own in the previews, which I think- You're still doing on paid work. You are doing open spots. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:54:55 They were open spots, but they were in nice gigs. It wasn't like, and when I went back and like did bits of open mic, and I still go open mic here and there, I still like going down to open mics and stuff. But I wasn't like, for me to go and and like on this sort of, I was in the trenches going through, no, I fucking had a lovely little time. You only missed one wrong of the, you still, you can't, it doesn't matter who you are or you still have to, maybe you didn't have to do a bring them or a gong show, but they are literally wrong one.

Starting point is 01:55:25 Yeah. As soon as you're doing an unminute unpaid five minutes like on it, they were nice. That's on the, they were nicer gigs, but I had the problem because they were nicer gigs for nine of them. I smashed and I'm 16 years old. I've been kicked out college. I now have this level of ego that like a 16 year old should not have or anyone for that matter got to my 10th gig.

Starting point is 01:55:45 I remember cause I was like 10th one, went on up the creek in between Simon Evans and Charlie Baker. Decent. And I fucking died. Like we're talking about, I went and cried upstairs. I like, I went upstairs and I had that like, and my dad was like, he was really good.

Starting point is 01:56:03 Cause he went, I went home and told him about it. And he went, this is where you find out if you want to do this. Cause he's like, you've got to go back there and see all those people who you died in front of again, and they don't think you're very good. And you've got to go back there and do it again. And I was, he was like, that's when you become a comedian,

Starting point is 01:56:19 not because you've done well. And I was like, yeah, that's it. You know, I think it's that like return. I guess it must be like, sort of like, if you're an amateur fighter and you've won well and I was like, yeah, that's it. You know, I think it's that like return. I guess it must be like, sort of like if you're an amateur fighter and you've won your first few fights and then you get knocked out cold. And suddenly someone's like, man, you've got to work your way back. You got to avenge the loss. Also, you can't go, oh, I didn't care.

Starting point is 01:56:38 If you don't care about a death. If you can't handle the death because it hurts too much, then this might not be for you, because I don't care how good you are, you have rough gigs. But if you get to gig 10 or gig 20 and have a stinker, and then you're like, that's fine. You're like, maybe it's not gonna be for you either. It should count.

Starting point is 01:56:58 But when was your boat, and I mean like last deaths, because we were actually, I think you were at a stage now where if you die a death death, it hits you more than when you first start, because we forgot. Cause we're all actually, I think you're at stage now, if you die a death death, it hits you more than when you first start because we forgot. We can have bad gigs, we can have things that didn't go well cause we're trying new material.

Starting point is 01:57:11 But I mean, you are on stage, you feel the sweat running down your face, the voice is dry, I'll get them with this, I'll get them with this and you rush to it and you fuck it up like that. Have you died? Pardon? Have you died? God, yeah.

Starting point is 01:57:28 Have you? Yeah. Don't be sweet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I had one recently. I was opening for, it'll be a gig like opening for Freddie Criden. So I do. I do. I do. Freddie in Newcastle and, um, and that I love opening for, you know, my mates cause you're on, you you're on the road and you have dins beforehand and it's all very fun. But I just started wrong. I just, you know when you go out and you just start wrong

Starting point is 01:57:52 and I was feeling under the weather and I was like, you're like, get out, get out your head, get out. I just started wrong and I hadn't quite got into it yet but I just knew I was on the back foot and the first thing and this fucking Geordie guy just shouts off in the back goes, so when's the comedy starting? Oh no. And then he goes, did it get a laugh? No, but then he goes, so this is about as funny as it is. When are the comedians coming on? And now, Freddie's crew. Also Newcastle. But I had that moment where, now luckily or unluckily, however you look at it,

Starting point is 01:58:29 I have a fucking temper problem. So I popped off and it saved the whole set because I'm never better than when I'm furious and want to bury someone. So actually it kind of rescued the whole thing. And that could have gone so wrong as well because once a comic loses the temper, exactly, that can be even worse than you trying to be like, well dude, that's not really what we're the whole thing. And that could have gone so wrong as well. Cause once a comic loses the temper, exactly. That can be even worse than you trying to be like, well, dude, that's not really what we're doing. But I actually like, it's me at my app, probably honestly my absolute best is when I'm fucking,

Starting point is 01:58:53 or I'm trying to just put something in the ground. And so it was grand after that, but I don't know. They were probably on your side as well. Also because I'd only just got going, it was so obvious why he was not on my side. It was so obvious why he was already crossed that I was on stage. So the rumor automatically with me, but then it's a, it's something I like doing. I felt like a bear pit, but there was a moment where like, cause I was a bit off my game, you kind of take

Starting point is 01:59:17 your minute and I was like, this could be it. This could be it. This could be the worst step I've had for ages because I knew I wasn't on, I knew I was, I was on my back foot and this person and it hurts like it does hurt and it's embarrassing. And you're like, yeah, I know. And it speaks to that part of you that it's always there. That's like, yeah, I'm not very funny. You're right. It is shit. Oh God. It isn't going well. Do you know what I mean? And he's just like, luckily for me, like I'm ginger and the rage turned up, but like there was a moment where I was like, oh no, I know. The deaths at like a corporate gig or a charity gig that's badly, you die and then you just walk away and go, yeah, but that was stupid. That was a bad setup.

Starting point is 01:59:53 There was no, it wasn't working. It wasn't well thought. Like I have, I have, I have spoken into the abyss at a corporate event. Where people, there's not, like some people in the back aren't listening. And you're just going, I wonder what I could say here that would, it would just draw any attention or reaction from these people. So the point where I got about nine minutes into a 25 minute corporate set once and went, I don't know if this is even working and we should just put this down to misadventure.

Starting point is 02:00:24 And the woman just went, I think you should let us finish our dinner. Oh no, no. And she didn't do it to get a laugh. She was just genuinely telling me like, could you just go? And she's kind of right as well. Like I went, you are right. Put the mic in the stand. I didn't even say goodbye.

Starting point is 02:00:41 I just walked off. I had that. But in my head, I'm like, no, I'm fine. The ones are where you're at a gig and you see all the comics doing well. There's nothing wrong with this. And then all of a sudden it doesn't work and you're not having a good one and you're like, oh, this isn't, the gig's not a problem. I'm fucking it up. Yeah. I had that. I was doing a Christmas party last year for some works to where on my way there, the woman messaged me and went, do you bring your own microphone and stand? And I was like, I was on this train to Manchester.

Starting point is 02:01:12 And you know, when you're on your head, you're like, it might not be that bad. I'll get there early. I'll write some things. I'll look at who's in the room. I'll write a couple, go in there. You're an asshole. That sort of thing. And like I get there and I'm like looking over and they've got this corner of the room by the

Starting point is 02:01:26 DJ decks and I'm like, don't worry, there's some lights. But what they meant by lights was those little balls that spin like the things are like blue, pink and like yellow. So I'm like stood there like that. And the woman who booked me, she booked me because she what had happened is she seemed to me a gig and I think she just fancied me. And so she booked me for this corporate event, right? Because she didn't mess. She was like, she's been really me and so she booked me for this corporate event, right? Because she then messaged me, she was like, she was being really nice but she was like, I was like, in my head, I'm like, you came to like the Glee and saw me with your mates in an environment that was good and you've gone, this will be great for here and I've now turned up and she's so sweet that

Starting point is 02:01:59 I go, I can't ruin her work. Like she's, you know, cause I could just go, fuck you, fuck this. And like, I don't care, but I don't, I don't want to do that. She's got to go back to the office and she's booked me. And I walked on and I'm like being overshadowed by a buffet where people are like getting onion barges and stuff. And then one man at one point just went, you are in a room with a man who drives an Aston Martin.

Starting point is 02:02:23 Just bear that in mind. with a man who drives an Aston Martin. Just bear that in mind. Oh, I like sees drinking the Peroni zero zero. And I'm like, ah, what did you do so you can't see your kids? You know, I just went into like the like, and the room just was like, no, dude, don't do it. And while that's going on, there's like, one of those trains just going by outside. And I'm like, that's mad, isn't it? Anyway, I just walked off. I was meant to pick up cash. I did what you did. I left, I left and I messaged her and I went, just send me what you think's fair. And like she sent all this. She was cool. And I just like left and I was like, never again. Oh, that charity gig where I walked off the nine minutes, the woman who was in charge of it

Starting point is 02:03:08 and had sort of liaised with the fucking promoter who was meant to set it up looked at me like because she was obviously expecting me to come over and go that was awful but I need my money and I just went see you doesn't matter bye and as she went to say we're meant to be paying you I was like I didn't even engage in the conversation. I was like, I'm going to literally chalk that up to, I can't even handle having the conversation about what. How was the journey home? Cause at my train, I got on the last train back from Manchester, London. Yeah. I got, I had an hour, it got delayed by an hour and a half. I was sat on a train and I was cool with it. Cause I was like, I'm not on state. I'm not doing that gig.

Starting point is 02:03:41 Is that the night you smoked crack? Cause we know. Cause we know what I need? I fucking wish. Right, we'll have a break, boys and girls, and we will be back. Hello everyone, Dan and Carl here. Time to talk about our absolute favourite sponsor. It's Manscaped, the very best in below the belt men's grooming, but also...

Starting point is 02:04:04 Above the neck. Good for above the neck good for your fierce Good for your head. Well, they call it the dome the dome shaver Pro Yeah, this is that new thing now I wonder with a dome shaver which one the team here have a word is gonna take the lead in advertising it I'm gonna go with you Dan. Oh, yes, the ball the ball, isn't it? You have the smoothest dome of all. Oh my God, this feels ergonomic. Doesn't it? You stole me word there, haven't you?

Starting point is 02:04:28 I was gonna say that. Another dome shaver, bro. This is gonna be an absolute game changer for me because I've basically, this is bad, I'm such a manscape man, I've been using pubed trimmers on my head. No more. Look at the curvature of that.

Starting point is 02:04:42 I don't have to think about getting in or whatever. You just like basically caress your head. Well, Dan, you've given us a lovely three-step process. Process one, dome gel. Oh, I'll gel it up. Put that on your head. This will be the first gel that's been on my head since 2004. Oh, it'll be like when you look at a baby in a belly. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 02:05:02 What a weird bit of imagery. Number two, the Dome Shave-A-Pro. Now in this, this gentleman seems to have an arm that couldn't possibly exist because it's coming from above his head. You don't know about his arms. Oh, this is gonna feel so good. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:05:17 Oh yeah. Oh mate, this is a game changer. Step three though, the Dome Smoother. Right. I think that just makes your head smooth. Oh so it just buffs you up afterwards. Yeah, you'd be a buff daddy. So for all of my bald brethren and those hot girls with shaved heads.

Starting point is 02:05:34 Oh yeah, like. I'm into it. Gail Porter. Gail Porter. So this is for bald men and Gail Porter. Joe Joe Shelby. He's a hot. He's a hot woman.

Starting point is 02:05:42 Beautiful. Great long ball. Yeah. and yeah Don't miss out on this wonderful product. Do you get that one? Manscaped.com use code word 20 for 20% off and free shipping the dome shaver Pro Up your pub game and up your dome game, mate Hello everyone, Dan Nyingerl and Hattie Preston from the have a word podcast. It's time to talk about my your dome game mate. You can watch TV in a different country. It's amazing. You get on, you get your VPN set up, and then all of a sudden, you're like, ah, British Netflix sucks balls.

Starting point is 02:06:28 What about Madagascar Netflix? Yeah. Fucking yes. Exactly. And you know Madagascar Netflix, it's not just the films, Madagascar. It's not just Madagascar and Loop? No, it's good. Get out.

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Starting point is 02:06:53 Sign up for two years with discounts. You get four months extra. I can't wait to watch Madagascan Netflix, Dan. You should do. And fuck you, malware. That was an aggressive tone. NordVPN, it's the best VPN. You know what time it is. It's part four of.

Starting point is 02:07:17 Podcast time. Four. Say four, Hattie. Part four of four. And now it's time. Say part four of four. Part four. Of?

Starting point is 02:07:24 Podcast time. Oh. No. What. Part four. Of? Podcast time. Oh no. What the fuck? That's why women shouldn't be given these roles. Part four of four. Part four of four. Of podcast time. And now it's time for executive orders.

Starting point is 02:07:41 Elliot, you know, we've been throwing this around, but I think this is suited to you. I think this is in your wheelhouse, you know? we, we've been throwing this around, but I think this is suited to you. I think this is in your wheelhouse, you know, you're a politically astute man, but that it's just a hint of evil. I think it's going to work really well for this feature. I haven't got the power to do what I want. So if, uh, if the glorious leader steel, Empress steel was given, chairman orders. Chairman Steel. Chairman Steel. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:08:06 Everyone's on the farm. What would your first executive order be? If you're going to go do an escape room, there has to be an actual element of death. Really good. Because the people who survive are then smart, adapted people you want in society. And the people who die are cunts who go to escape rooms. I think you should die when you go anyway.

Starting point is 02:08:30 Yeah, yeah, but that's the thing. We can make it like that, bro. Even if you get out, they just blow you that off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want the escape room to be like the room Tommy walks into in Goodfellas. Yeah, ah, shit! Ah, that's what you walk into.

Starting point is 02:08:43 And you just walk in, hey, we're about to solve a puzzle. What was it like when you solved the puzzle? Ah, shit, doof, that's what you walk into and you just walk in, Hey, we're about to solve a puzzle. What was it like when you solved the puzzle? Ah, shit. Doof. That's what I want. Why go to escape rooms when you're on the outside before you go in? The thing is, the thing is, aren't you seeing escape rooms in a very crystal maze type way? Doesn't everyone go in and then you communally work?

Starting point is 02:09:04 I won't, like I will not go to an escape room. That'll never happen. But once you work out how to get out, everyone from the room gets out. Don't they? Like if you, if there's a party of five and you work out how to get out of an escape room and you still can't get out, it's probably best you're like cleansed. Yeah. That's my point. Exactly. It's really like it's 20, 25 Darwinism. And I, yeah, it's perfect. It has to be a fail safe, legally insurance wise. I'd like to go and find that like kick the bit of the thing that just comes out and you get to get out like that and all that stuff. Like why are you in the office?

Starting point is 02:09:39 But that, that I would, but that's, that's again, that's thinking outside of the book. I would be like, if I was there, I'm on a screen watching this, by the way, like this is like, this is like we broadcast games. You're using it as a squid game. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is a like battle Royale. Like we, we just, we just, it goes worldwide. It's got his whole revenue thing. We can, you guys know about that. We've got cameras. We'll figure it out. And you go in there and like, if you kick the door off and get out, I'm like, things outside the box, small guy lives. He didn't, he didn't go the door off and get out, I'm like, things outside the box, small guy lives. He didn't, he didn't go for it. I wouldn't, I wouldn't be like,

Starting point is 02:10:08 he there's no cheating. There's no such thing as cheating. You go out, you, you put me in the escape room. I fucking escaped. Or maybe an addendum escape rooms. If you can't work out how to get out of them, you don't, they don't open it until you work it out. You said something bad. I won't say carry on. What's the word? Progress. Progress 2025. It was going to be a knot. And then do you think like week three they, they put in Fritzel. Oh, that would be, that's a lovely little add to it. We can have that one. So they like keep the stakes high. That'd be a hell of an escape room if you go in there and it just shows you Fritz and we're sat there and you're like, Oh man, we better get

Starting point is 02:10:52 our deposit back. If I'm getting molested by Fritzel, I'm going to come out and be like, and unleash the Fritz. And like, he just comes in and they're like, you nearly went to an escape room. Some works party who've gone in on a team building exercise and all they come out with is they've all now bonded because they got molested by Joseph Riggs. These fucking Foxden's bricks are just sat there like no! Sandra's still in there, she's had four kids with him. You nearly signed up for one with Adam. I remember it being floated as an idea, as a

Starting point is 02:11:26 date, a double date night idea. I think it's one of the least fun things you can possibly do. It's forced fun. And it, especially with Adam Rowe. It exists. It exists. And it's this, uh, there's this London centric thing that has plagued this country where London is no longer like a fun city really because of hinge and like people work in a city there because Pete, they spend all their life having to get these high-end jobs and all that to go to city got nothing about them. They then download Hinge and start expanding the range of people to go out with but they can't just go to a bar and have a conversation like normal people on a date they've got to go to a fucking escape room or they got to go play mini golf with like neon lights everywhere and all of

Starting point is 02:11:59 these things. And so now because of like the way London works and everything sort of starts expanding, so it starts happening to the Northern courtroom in Manchester and it starts happening here. It's this London thing where there's these people with no personality who moved there and then it just infects the rest of the UK. And that would be the thing I have an executive order on and stuff like that. If you go to one of those kinds of date things, just go for a fucking beer. Do you know what? That's fun. Imagine I went, should we go get a beer? You go, yeah, let's go get a beer. If I went, let's go to an escape room. Not an escape room, but there's all the fun that you can do with the like organized fun. I'm not saying that it always has to involve drinking, but what kind of organized fun do

Starting point is 02:12:37 you think? You and the axe throwing vibe. That's surely like two years ago vibes in the axe. It's still round, isn't it? Like we went roller roller skating. Yeah. How was it? That odd. Yeah. Really odd. So ice skating or something. You think it's fun and you go and you go this song. I like ice skating. Don't don't do really. But once you come on twice, you're not like, it's not a tall skating rink. You do two laps. You're like,

Starting point is 02:13:04 I did it. But you feel better and you get more confident. You can do two laps and you're like, I did it. But you feel better and you get more confident. You go faster than do tricks. I do. Do you do tricks ice skating? I do not do tricks. What tricks, what eye ton your tricks are you doing? Breaking, turning, staying still.

Starting point is 02:13:18 You're turning on the ice rink. It's not a trick. Are you holding those cute S-pillars penguins? That child should feel safe. It's nothing. I don't get how manly you think you are. When do you hold that little penguin? Hold that penguin, baby.

Starting point is 02:13:31 Surely there's gotta be some good, organized, fun things. A mini golf is poo. Last time my mate, Matt, came up, we went to Roxy Ballroom, just around the corner. Yeah, table tennis. And we hired one of the big American pool tables for an hour. It's the kind of thing he and I have never

Starting point is 02:13:45 done when we're hanging out, but we just had time to kill. We had a dinner reservation and it was like a couple of hours off. We'd already been to Danny Max, is it? The pub up near Hardin Street. And we were like, do you know what? This will be sound. Cause it was like late Friday afternoon. It was class. It was Monday to good. But when, what is it about these things that had just become a bit too forced? It's like when the stag do goes, come on, we'll do this. There's a thing of it. That's just this forced element of fun. When I go, I don't want to do this. I don't find this fun.

Starting point is 02:14:21 I'm a weirdly autistic boy who doesn't enjoy this. Please don't make me go. You know what it is? Maybe it's that none of these things are universally enough. It's just that if you are in a city in the afternoon and you go, Oh shit, it's one of them golf gaffs. Like those, like, I've kind of fancy it. I mean, then you get to make that decision on the spot. It's when it's booked in three months of bang. You have played mini golf with us. You were just very on drugs. Yeah. That was a, one of the worst experiences of my life. I would love to thank you guys for filming that and putting it behind the

Starting point is 02:14:52 paywall. It was, yeah, that was, but again, even on drugs, I wasn't having the best. Yeah. But that was Adam Rose fault. That wasn't the fault of the competitive Adam. No, no. He was just trying to freak us out when we were on mushroom. You know, when people do trips and there's like a shaman who's like helps you and a guide to your trip, then Adam was like the opposite. Oh, it's so fun. Yeah. But I don't, I don't like, again, I'm not going like people who go bowling, but an escape

Starting point is 02:15:17 room is one person in the group wants to be in control. They want to be in control of a thing and they're now forcing you down into their world of like, I can just sit around and have fun. Let's play FIFA. Let's do something. It doesn't have to be go drink. That can be how many times have you just sat around your mates for a few of you there and you've had a FIFA tournament? Yeah. Best, best thing ever. It's great. But it's great. Yeah. But there's, there's a spontaneity to fun. That's what fun is. Like you, they're going like, Oh, we had an hour to kill. We went and did this. It was because it was spontaneous. Once you're paying a deposit for something

Starting point is 02:15:52 that's months away and there's a group chat made. Oh, I mean, can we put the executive order in? This is, this was actually going to be mine. Oh really? Well, cause I mean, I'm bitched and mine to call it off about it today. We'll call it. No don't, I don't want to side check Elliot. No, it's right. I did, I've bitched him enough to call, he's sick of it. I think it should be illegal to start a WhatsApp group without getting prior consent from everyone.

Starting point is 02:16:18 It's my, that's my consent for me. Like I- Well, if you invite Danny has to accept, he's got a set in him. No you don't. No, he has. Stop it. Yeah. There's a thing. Just put me in a group. I'm still in fucking nine groups. I can't bet. I mean, I, mine was, and I said, I bitched him in about it enough. I'm going to, I started

Starting point is 02:16:35 yoga, which is supposed to be relaxing and like, mmm, Zen, I put the fuck, and at the end of the class, she was like, okay,'m going to set up WhatsApp groups so you can all get in, we'll all put, I was like, what? No. Don't you just archive it? No. Well, this apparently could turn up, but it's still the fact she's like, you will just put a photo, introduce yourselves. But then if you do that, you look heggie because you're not getting involved in the group.

Starting point is 02:16:58 You're being a Lucy lurker. I've gotten in trouble for that before about just lurking. I was like, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about these. I'm sorry. I don't know them. I don don't give a fuck about these. I'm sorry. I don't know them. I don't know them. And they're all, they've all got Cavapoos.

Starting point is 02:17:09 Yeah. I mean, that's yoga though, isn't it? What am I going to do in this group? Like I was like, and I sent her an email being like, please, can I not be in the WhatsApp group? And she's like, can I just ask why you don't want to be in the WhatsApp group? I was like, yeah, because I want to get on with my life

Starting point is 02:17:22 with that fucking Jane from Bootle sharing a hilarious meme. Like, fuck off, fuck off. Why? I think they should be fucking illegal. I hate them. What's up with you? Outrageous.

Starting point is 02:17:33 Freddie does this. If he books you on a gig, he starts a WhatsApp group as a way of like, confirming the gig. That's terrorism. What the fuck? I was like, we were doing a gig in Preston. She was giving out your number.

Starting point is 02:17:46 It was a nice gig. It's just, we were in the group. Yeah, but effectively that's just giving out your number to people. Is it Freddie? I feel like I'm throwing Freddie under the bus. I don't think it is. I don't think it is.

Starting point is 02:17:54 I think it might be Freddie. I don't think it is Freddie, you know. Who's ever had that? Oh, well, apparently he thought that was a special night that needed commemorating with a group. Yeah. Never have I been less happy about a group. The one for India.

Starting point is 02:18:09 So we went on the Zoe's Place trip. The one for India, which guess what? I didn't join because this is the beautiful thing. We're a team. This is not an exaggeration. If I went through my WhatsApp now, I think we were at nine WhatsApp groups. Much more.

Starting point is 02:18:27 It's got silly. I've left, by the way, I left one the other week and no one noticed. It's great. Right? Have a word sponsor ideas. That's better. That's better.

Starting point is 02:18:37 Remember that? I was going to say as bad of it was the Zoe's place. Oh no. No. Merch ideas. No. This WhatsApp group, this WhatsApp group legitimately caused a fucking argument on the trip and I wasn't in the group. I'm out of it. It was because it's not real life. Someone makes a joke.

Starting point is 02:18:56 Someone makes a joke back. And then in real life there's beef. Oh my God. I left that group when it became a LovePool supporters group a after India. And I was like, fuck off. We've had that and stag do groups. You know, when you're going on a stag do or something and already people have fallen out because in the stag do group, it's always the dads. People have started. Yeah. Yeah. That's the best. That's the best bit of WhatsApp groups though is when you're not involved in the beef at all and you can just watch it. That is great. Yeah. Have you ever had the great thing where you're doing a catch up in the morning and you see there's a name that's in black because they've obviously either been removed or left and like it's you're starting to go and it's like there's laughs, there's laughs,

Starting point is 02:19:39 like you said bit personal, he has brought up his wife's wife's weight. And then it just starts going and going and going. And then it's yours. Yeah, well, you're this, you're that. And then like suddenly someone leaves and you just get to come in like an actual adult and be like, well, you lot should all be very ashamed of what happened to you last night. Maybe if you'd all gone to bed at a reasonable hour. I will sit out and then be like, oh, again here. I don't mind all of them. There's some good ones. We started a roast group with WhatsApp.

Starting point is 02:20:11 That was a good group. That was a really well-behaved group. No one was chatty. But also useful after the fact to be like, Hey, I've got a clip. Can you share it? That was kind of good. But no one's been chatty.

Starting point is 02:20:22 Everyone was really good about like, yep, yep. Like Adam would say things when we needed to know them or you guys would say things as we need to know. And no one's been chatty. Everyone was really good about like, yep, yep. Like Adam would say things when we needed to know them or you guys would say things as we need to know. And no one was like, bants. You know what I've done? I've made a group for us about clips and the messages expired after 24 hours. So there's no group.

Starting point is 02:20:36 It's just if something's there, do it. And then tomorrow it's gone. It feels like you're in MI5. This is unbelievable. I didn't even know it was a thing. It does kind of work well, you know. Can you talk to my yoga group about it? I fucking... I do find out though,. Can you talk to my yoga group about it? I fucking...

Starting point is 02:20:45 I do find that though, like when you go to somewhere to do something like, I'm just going to go to yoga, I'm going to go do this, and oh, we've got the group, and oh, we've got the meetup. And now there's like a whole friendship group from there that you're not... I didn't... I was coming in at a fucking stretch. That's what he said! Freddie had a go at it, he was like,

Starting point is 02:21:03 Hattie, you've got to understand, no one else was there to just do yoga. I was like, what? He was like, yeah, they're all there to make friends. And I was like, well, that should be on the leaflet. That should be on the website. Well, that should be a friends hour. Yeah, friends. Do you want to call make friends and do yoga a friend hour?

Starting point is 02:21:17 I just want to like close my eyes and I don't know, exactly that, like stretch and I, be zen, whatever. Do you think swingers have WhatsApp groups? Oh yeah. Like polyamory WhatsApp groups like oh. That's why they were in. I wish anyone would suck my dick and then. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:21:33 No within the group. Within the group. Send it as a broadcasted message. And then someone mentions the weight of your wife. And you're like I don't give a shit. I like them babe. I've got an executive order and you mentioned Cav you're like, I don't give a shit. I like them big. I've got an executive order. You mentioned Cavapoos and I don't know what that is.

Starting point is 02:21:51 Do you want to tell me? It's a Vauxhall Cavalier. It's an Irish car. It's an ITV2 Crush Velvet, only way is Essex, in a dog. Right. My executive order is, if you buy a dog, right, if you, and listen, I love Wallace and I just want to, I want to temper this with Wallace's. Wallace is the best dog in the world

Starting point is 02:22:11 that's ever lived in the world. Right. Okay. If you buy a dog, like a nice posh breed, oh shit, it's a thingy thing dog. Uh, you should be forced to rescue another one at the same time. So good. So you get your, you get your dog, but it's a carbon footprint for someone wanted rag tag homeless dog. And the more you spend on the dog you bought, the more fucked the rescue dog has to be. So you get your like could compete in crufts like oh isn't he beautiful and then along down the lane he's like hey remember. It's actually mooing. Yeah. Your child soldier dog a long time you're like yeah I'm with it. I'm with it. Everyone should have the right to buy a dog. I was going to say for children as well. If you have a child you have to adopt one. You adopt one beautiful one you get a child, you have to adopt one.

Starting point is 02:23:05 You get a child soldier. Yeah. You're fucking right. As many kids as you have, you have to adopt one and then also, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got to have a... Yeah, but mine could have been... It's a rescue child.

Starting point is 02:23:16 Mine could have been spanners. I got lucky. My kids are pretty normal, you know? So you need two spanners. Yeah. I know, but they could have been spanners. You know what I mean? We rolled the dice. They could have come out and... My dad would love this to have a kid who hasn't smoked crack. So I've got a seven year old girl who hasn't smoked crack. So I have to adopt one that has. You have

Starting point is 02:23:41 to adopt Elliot. You have to adopt me. It on, come on. You can't. Laura. It's just a fact. All right, cool. What's your name? Do you know what? I fucking, I floated the idea of adoption. Laura, no. She met Elliot.

Starting point is 02:23:54 I'm not fucking cool. It's a fucking factory of no's. Why do you want to adopt? What? You've got two children. Just to fucking one up you. I've never adopted. That would be one up to you.

Starting point is 02:24:02 On Benway. I'm definitely going African though. Yeah. Just because be one way. I'm definitely going African though. Cause I'm that guy African. That's why they call me the white cante. I hope everyone remembers that reference that didn't make sense at that exact point. Have you got any more Elliot? Yeah. I'm, I, this one's going to be a little bit. All right, let me see if I word this correctly. I think whatever you're, so you see like football fans, if you go to football, you can't moan about pride.

Starting point is 02:24:36 Right. Cause it's, it's the same thing. Oh, like. It's the, if whatever yours, you, you have to write what your stupid thing is. So then when you go and do it, because if you go like watch a football game and everyone's in Stone Island and a uniform and we're all singing songs and it's all of this

Starting point is 02:24:51 and we drink that, that's like the uniform. And then if you go, you're fucking LGBT lot with pride, what did I need that they could get married? And it's like, yeah, but they're doing their version of that the same way if you're at pride, which I've seen in London, just as unruly as any football group you've ever seen. They're singing, they've got uniforms.

Starting point is 02:25:06 They're leaving litter over the street. It's mainly men. Yeah, they're dancing. And some fix that girls. Yeah, there's women there. But the same as the football, the women who go to it, they're a little bit off. They're like, it's the same. So you're saying basically, football, going to a premier league fixture is basically straight

Starting point is 02:25:27 pride. It's just a hundred percent straight pride, but it's, it's your dumb thing. You have to accept that you've got a thing that is dumb and that's fine. We all got to do, we all got to have our dumb thing. What have straight girls got? Taylor Swift or some shit. I think, I think yoga WhatsApp groups. Yes.

Starting point is 02:25:43 We get to go and like shout and sing way and then you know, the pride.. What you haven't got a version of that. Have you? I think he's right. He's probably Taylor Swift, isn't it? I mean, I don't know every day we did it. We could go to the game every week if we wanted. You're right. Um, is as brunch. Oh yeah. On the sprint, this brunch feels very like very that it's a little bit. We all act a little bit beneath ourselves. You know, we're not necessarily the greatest version of ourselves. And when we come home, all our partners are crossed with us. Okay. So it's like you guys, it's the 1230 kickoff for women. Yeah. That's what business. Okay. I like that bottomless brunches. Ladies. We should do a bottomless brunch. I think I'd really like to see. Was that as a Patreon special or just you'd like we're all getting on?

Starting point is 02:26:28 With a load of handoos. Oh, look on there. Handoos. But I think there's... Oh, yeah, I meant handoos. But I think there is something about when people moan about that, like you know, like someone who follows a football team, yeah, moaning about something that is stupid and it's like, but you're into football or any sport in general. Like I was like with the UFC, like I'm always like to someone

Starting point is 02:26:59 like it's, it's not, it's not just about the fight. It's about the drama. This is male, this is selling sunset. Do you watch Embedded? Yeah, here and there, here and there. So I, leading up to a big thing, I'll watch all the media and all, and so I was like, what, you watch it for, I'm like, yeah, I watch everything up until the event. Because there's so much to it. Because it makes the actual fight better, because you know the backstory. It also makes you look such a prick as a guy when you're like, oh, how can you just watch

Starting point is 02:27:24 Love Island and they're all just bitching about who did that and who did that and why is that important to her? When then you watch football and like, who's that playing that? Ah, right. Well, he's had an injury and he's come back. And also there's a nasty tackle between him and that other player. And he used to play for their team and like, you know, all the gossip. It's just the change. But Love Island used to be, Love Island was great when they

Starting point is 02:27:44 were killing themselves. That was. Love Island used to be, Love Island was great when they were killing themselves. That was when Love Island was at its best. That was the duty of care wasn't there. Stop acting like that isn't the reality of the show that they were making. It was the passion day of reality TV. Everyone fucking just died. Yeah, why are they coming down?

Starting point is 02:27:58 It's just water bottle selling. It used to be like, we're throwing these fame hungry foxes and feel free to ruin their lives as the general public. And then when one of them kills themselves, we'll put out a thing about mental health. There's no alcohol now, is there real? There's no alcohol.

Starting point is 02:28:11 No alcohol, no smoking. That's why there's none of them fucking under the sheets anymore. It used to be, it was modern day freak show. We just replaced the whole, that was Jeremy Kyle, with like, we went, we've done it to like, we've exploited the poor working class people of the world and you will watch went, we've done it to like we've exploited the poor working class people of the world and you will watch them. We're entertained. We are now going

Starting point is 02:28:29 to do it to influencers and people want to be influencers and that's what we're going to do. And everyone goes, this is terrible. And I would watch it because I wouldn't enjoy it. But I wanted to be in the group chat that everyone else was. I would really be so much more into love Island if it wasn't just like hot people or perceived hot people. Like Monter Island. That's what sells isn't it? But it has to be hot people because it makes it an even playing field. It only works with hot people. This was, this is again when they started putting, when they started being like, we're going to not, you know, just go for extremely hot people. It only works when really hot people go into something. So then one of them, there were great moments where someone will realize, Oh my God, I've

Starting point is 02:29:07 been a hot person in my town and fucked everyone I ever want. And now no one wants to talk to me because I've got no personality. So you got to watch that sort of journey happen and it worked. And then what happened is people who were watching the show of extremely hot people went, Oh, I'm not extremely hot. I feel bad. Now change that. But imagine the reverse of that when they they're all like, objectively threes. And they're like, oh shit, I'm the ugly person everywhere I go. Three islands, one, three.

Starting point is 02:29:31 But these are all mingers. One, three islands, three islands. Oh, people sucking each other up, there's two teeth in the red. Five, walks in like this. Stuffing to like, have a breather part way through sex. You know what you're like, hold up your fooper to get yourself seen to.

Starting point is 02:29:44 That's never felt so sexy. I'm seen to. Breathing through your mouth. Like some ugly people that just end up being the same thing. And then they go, let's get fit people on it. I know because I think, I think this would be like recoupling would be so funny. It's going to adopt a dog. Shut the fuck up. Three Island. That's Belton.

Starting point is 02:30:02 That's a part. That's Belton. I never had a part in my life. Wonderful podcast a podcast. That's Belton. That's a podcast. You're a wonderful podcasting grub, eh? Elliot, thank you. Thanks so much for coming on. Your special came out, well, this goes out on... Where are we getting this out?

Starting point is 02:30:16 We're getting this out towards the end of Jan. So it came out the start of Jan. Yeah, the start of Jan. It's doing well at the moment. It's doing really well. We're heading up to 50k, which is cool. Which I was like way more than I thought it would be. It's called Carrying the Boats. Carrying the Boats, yeah. And then I'm on the world, heading up to 50K, which is cool. Which I was like way more than I thought it. It's called carrying the boats. Carrying the boats, yeah.

Starting point is 02:30:26 And then I'm on tour as well. Nice. So that's on my link tree on my bar. But yeah, just go watch the special. I didn't put ads on it or anything like that. I just wanted people to click on special starts, watch it. If you enjoy it, share it with someone, leave a comment or buy a ticket for a tour date.

Starting point is 02:30:39 Elliot, it's a brilliant comedian. Go and watch the special. It's another exceptional comic giving free content. And then if you really like it, go and see him on tour. Hattie, you've got your pod cast. Oh my pod. But also I'm going on my little tour. We're calling it Tourette. So as not to make it sound overwhelming. I've been one of them as well. Thank you very much. Yeah. I'm really very freaked out by the word tour. So it's Tourette. I'm only doing six dates around the country, but that is selling at the moment. And that'll be mainly February. One in January, one in March, but mainly February.

Starting point is 02:31:06 And while we're at lunch, I confirmed the date for Dan's Anthems, the day rave, and that is Sunday, the 20th of April. It's Easter Sunday, so I've got the bank hollybobs. Look, yeah, just put the date in your diary. It's gonna be Mahoussie. What date is it? 20th of April.

Starting point is 02:31:23 420, mate. 420, Dan's Anthems, you should call it. No, it's because there used to be Mahoosie. 20th of April. 420 mate. 420? Danthums is your colour? No, it's because there used to be a show called Danthums. You're called Dan though. Yeah. Yeah. So it's Dan's discussion. Are we all right? Are we okay? Are we all right? You've already done this. You did this. Yeah. Wow. We do a lot of part of care. I love you, Con. I love you. Shall we end with a song? Yes. This week is a band called Toy Car, who my band are supporting on the 1st of Feb in Liverpool. If you're about, go and get tickets.

Starting point is 02:31:51 What's the song called? It's called Better Than Before. Hi guys, this is Toy Car. This is our new single. This is Better Than Before. Is that right? All right. Crystal Walken.

Starting point is 02:32:03 I got him. Yes. That's Alicia. Is that right? Yeah. All right. Crystal Walken. I got him! Yes. That's Alicia. Take your aim. You can be honest. Stay, you claim, you tell me what you wanna do.

Starting point is 02:32:10 On the bed. I watch around the corner. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp.

Starting point is 02:32:18 I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I wanna do On the bed

Starting point is 02:32:32 Wolves around me Travels on the shelf but I can barely hear myself Think Now think So what are we doing now? Where do we go from here? You lie like an open book, the pages read them says So what does it taste like? How does it feel to be your own mess? You're watching the paint dry, but does it make it seem any better than before? So what do we do now?

Starting point is 02:33:41 Where do we go from here? You're like an open book with pages with themselves So what does it taste like? How does it feel to be the best? Through watching the pain dry But does it make it seem any better than before? Does it make me feel? Does it make me feel? What does it taste like? How does it feel to feel this? If you're watching the paint dry Does it make you seem any better than before? Does it make me feel? Does it make me feel? Does it make me feel?

Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #312 with Elliot Steel & Hatty Preston - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

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