Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #314 with Chris McCausland & Alfie Brown - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: February 3, 2025

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our brand new website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word: Murderers Row | https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/have-a-word-the-live-podcast-tickets/artist/5406541Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Anthems: https://www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Liverpool/Content/DANS-ANTHEMS---HAW-Dance-All-Dayer-4pm---10pm/40595747/Comedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's Karaoke Party: https://skiddle.com/e/40472096As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Merch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lids? Have you heard? We've got a brand new website. It's have a word pod.com and on our brand new website. We've got a brand new website. It's haveowardpod.com and on our brand new website,

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Adam comparing the second, and then we've got the best acts we know. People you'll recognise from the couch, some absolute killers from comedy doing stand-up. Proper stand-up tour. There's no podcast tour this year. We wanted to do stand-up with our mates, and we've come up with the Murderers Row standup tour.

Four special guests every night. Me and Dan doing a bit each as well. And obviously we're bringing all the lads down. We're gonna get Finn to sing at the end. It's gonna be absolutely class. And all the tickets and all the merch are at haveawordpod.com. And of course, if you love what you're watching,

patreon.com slash haveaword pod for loads of bonus content. But we'll tell you more about that a little bit later. Enjoy the episode. It's going to be a... It was good. Yeah, it was really good. It was class. Man, Sensei Kal and Finn. This is the one and only Have Award. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market

for below the waist groomer. Go Ed, get on me. Oh, hey. Hey. That nightingale is facing some more allegations, so he's in the dock and speaking of docks, me and my- You just come from the dock, haven't you?

Me and Alfie Brown have been in the dock. We've been cold plunging. Oh no. How are your bones? I'm cold. Cold to the bone. You have replaced Dan properly then. Oh, but it's good though, you know. I can't do it again. I'd love to put a clip in of when Dan first said he was cold plunging

in your reaction. What do you mean? You were going, that's fucking wool. All that shit. It doesn't sound like something I'd say. What about it is? No, I know it's good because Dan's smoked water for a year and I knew this morning Adam was going to be like, lad, no, it's actually good though. I know Dan. I went yesterday and I went back today and I'm going tomorrow and Sunday. Every day for the rest of your life. Just getting the doc though, Isn't it a flea? What? The dock. Get in there. Yeah, but they scoop all the shit out. That's what Jack said.

They can see the bottom. I touched the bottom. In the bit that you get in, you can see the bottom. Okay, that's all right. Yeah. I know, sorry, but you can't see the bottom. It's really dirty and they take nothing out. Sorry. That's what I meant. And the water, when you go in sort of becomes yellow. Yeah. Like through the muck in the water, the hue is lightened by the lightness of your own flesh and it looks yellowy and disgusting. There was a packet of scampi fries in there with us today.

Wild scampi fries. Wild, yeah. That's where they collect them. Oh nice. That's where they're caught. Wild caught scampi fries. How do your lips taste? How do my lips taste? Yeah. That is what you like to know. What the fuck was that? What? I remember when we

used to jump in the door. Who's HR here? Will? How do your lips taste? When we used to jump in I remember my lips would taste really acidic. We weren't drinking it though. I never used to drink it at them because I wouldn't be here anymore. Would I? I would have four arms. A little bit went in my mouth earlier. I just spat it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My lips are salty. Too salty! Yeah, they've got a flavor.

Yeah, it's salt water. We are... I was texting Alfie while I was away in the States. And I was like, we haven't really hung out just like me and him for a while or even me and him and Jack. Like it's always when I've seen him he's been like a big group. So we arranged Wednesday night to go

and have a couple of pints. Oh. Watch the Liverpool game. And then towards the end of the pints, Jack was like, should we all go and cold plunge tomorrow morning at 9.15? And we'd both had enough pints to be like, okay. It was good.

Waking up for it is awful. Doing it is awful. When you come out, you're like, this is the fucking best thing I've ever done. I fucking, ugh. I think because your body goes, ah, it's time to die. Like, it just cleans out everything that was festering in you, all the bad vibes, every

inch of toxic shite that was in you gets shocked out of your system. And you sit, also, this is the best thing about this place, is that you get out and then you go into a little hut, which is a sauna and the sauna is little, it's like stepped up and you, it's a viewing platform for everybody who is suffering in the water. So you get to go and be each other's entertainment and the pain and the fear and the difficulty breathing. Like it reminds, it's a tenner. It's a ten gump. Are you paid for this? Is this like a hostage? It's a tenner, it's a tenner. And you've got to speculate to accumulate

and we've got loads of good vibes now. I mean, my bones still hurt, but we've got loads of good vibes. But the shock, like your breath, you can't breathe. No, the first time you get in, so when you go, so it's called, and this is not an ad or anything, just genuinely as class and you should like go, but don't go when I want to go because it was already too busy today.

Earlier in the day it's more expensive, so I think we paid £12.50 each today, but then when it gets towards lunchtime it's like 7 and then mid afternoon it's like a fiver. Because most people who want to do it are like, I'm getting up and starting my day. So but you get there and there's the dock, which is whatever temperature it is that day. And then they have four cold plunge tubs. The one on the right is like the warmest, but even that's like 10 degrees or something. And then there's, as you go left, they get colder.

And the one on the far left is colder than the dock. Ooh, what did you get in? So what I left is colder than the dock. Oh, what did you get in? So what I do is get in the dock first and then get in the warmest one, which is still cold, you're still cold plunging. But if you get in the dock and then get in that, you feel like you're in a jacuzzi, like you want to put a bit of matey in it.

LAUGHTER I stayed in the dock for quite a long time today until eventually the first thing, the first pain to withstand is the feeling that your balls are now like they're trying to transition. Like you're, it moves inside out. Your dick just becomes a little, especially if you've got a hood like me, it just becomes a little sort of snout. My dick's going to be handed in to lost property at some point today. I have not got it anymore. But if you can withstand like the pain,

it feels like your pudendal nerves about to come out of your arsehole. I've seen it at the Pop Lost Nights. I think them eggs were bad. I feel like my pudendal nerves about to come out of my arsehole. And if you can get through that, then you can stay in for a few minutes and it's your fingers that then feel like they're being bitten by somebody's back teeth. And that's when you have to leave and it all becomes... That sounds bloody lovely.

But then there's a sauna day so you can immediately go and get into comfort. I remember after we did it in dance, I did feel, I did feel like alive. It's really good. I did the first step I did today. I got in the dock and then I got in the, the, the tub and I did six and a half minutes in the tub and that was good. And then I got in the slightly colder on the next one. I did three minutes and then I tried to get in the one colder than that and lasted about 20 seconds and I went and just got back on the first up again. It's like nobody enjoys running you don't want to run it's yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah sorry thank you good um well it's a goldie docks and then I think he wanted it acknowledging it's only ever often

that I want acknowledgement man he didn't give me it. He did, he just stared daggers at you. I shut my eyes. You're better than that. That's nice. That's the nicest way to tell somebody to be better. He is. Yeah, I know. I agree with you. He's a funny guy.

Funny how? You're going to go again? Yeah, I think it. I think it's so like, no, no, that's my point. Nobody enjoys running. You enjoy having having run. You don't enjoy going to the gym. You enjoy having gone to the gym. You don't enjoy, um, like having small children. You enjoy later on when you've got a mate. I feel like that, I'm serious for all, with everything I ever do. What do you mean? I can't wait to leave the cinema when I get there. I said that was insane. I think this is when you were away.

That's mental. Right. I can't wait to leave because then I can talk about the film and think about it. Your best mate in the world would be Tom Segura. I hope we manage to get him in when he comes to the UK. He starts one of his standup specials. I think it's disgraceful where he goes, Oh, it's great to be here. I wish I was home right now. He goes, I think it goes, that's my honest feeling, but it is the thing. I think it's your feeling too. Like you're like, yeah, I hope the show's good, but also wrap this shit up so we can go home. It's like people are constantly searching for the meaning of life.

Here's what the meaning of life is. Fuck this place. Let's go home. I could be watching a band that I love. I'm like, the last song's got to be soon. And then when the last song's on, you'll be like, yes. Not with you, obviously. Yeah, yeah. Sean Mors has a great routine about there's nothing, no plan is better than a cancelled plan. Not with you obviously. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. More has a great routine about, uh, there's nothing, nothing, no plan is better than a

council plan. Oh wow. Yeah. Yeah. Club song. Uh, no plan. No plans better than a council plan. It scans.

At the very least it scans. So no, but close. Is there anything, any exceptions to that for you? Is there anything where you're like playing footy? Yeah, you don't want footy to end. Is the only one. What about going for like a good meal? Are you literally just there being like, I can't wait till the best. You must get depressed for the last bite of the sandwich. Four bites in, you're like, oh, now I'm not as hungry as I was and it's already started to end. You know what I mean?

Do you know we've been like best mates for so long and I reckon it's only the past like year that I really know you. I know how like mental and miserable you are deep down really. I just love going home man. This is symptomatic of being an Everton fan. You just accept you need things to end. You know what's weird though? One of the places is being in Gooderton. You don't want that to end.

I love like when I get to 40, if it's at seven o'clock, if we haven't kicked off at seven o'clock playing, I'm angry because I'm like this hour is a lot. I want to enjoy every minute and going to Gooderton. If I miss kickoff, which I've never done, I'd be gutted because I want to enjoy every minute and going to Goddardson if I miss kickoff which I've think I've ever done I'd be gutted because I want to make the most of every minute even though it's depressing and I hate it. Goddardson is actually one of the places where I don't want to leave. Do you think being an Everton fan has affected your personality? Do you think it's affected your outlook on all of these other things? I don't think anyone is more of an Everton fan than you. Yeah. You're the apex Everton fan.

Yeah, unfortunately. Roaming the world. That's a lot of bloody mess. He's a wooly mini lad. Fuck off. Already just seen the comments. I hate Everton, that's how much I love them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what it is to be an Everton fan. It's a truly spiritual thing. And I don't understand how somebody who is an Everton fan could not understand cold plunging. Put yourself in pain. Like that's, that's what you're doing. Yeah, for the soul. But you don't feel good after it either.

But you still do it again. At least you, like the ref blows the whistle and goes, well, at least, at least we're not, at least that's finished. And that's how I feel now. It's what I love doing. The ref blows the whistle and goes, well, at least, at least we're not, at least that's finished. Yeah. And that's how I feel now. That's what I love doing. There's a still residual feeling of pain in my bones,

like I imagine you have after watching. Constantly, yeah. I love leaving the game after we've lost. Because like the herd of misery is, it's almost like a blanket. I love the idea of two Everton fans being in the pub like six hours after the match being like, are your bones still sore? You cold?

Freezing? ECL to the bones. But yeah, I love when things end. I know that's mad. Yeah. I'd love to watch a Huberman podcast talking about the benefits of being an Everton fan. I actually find that Everton fans burn a lot more brown fat from all of the terrible sadness in their souls.

What, can I eat jaw lines from booing a lot? I can have it in jaw line, boo! Supermodels like, could you just boof? Imagine you're 11 and find just boof, but it's like, boob, boob. Yeah, I don't know. I think you struggle to be in the moment sometimes too. Cause I remember you've said it to me,

you try and actively do it. Yeah, but I don't want it to be over. No, I'm not saying, yeah. Yeah, I definitely enjoy enjoy looking forward to stuff. And this is not like, I don't want this to be the case, but I look forward to stuff and look back on stuff more than I enjoy it at the time. That's what I mean.

So when I've got a big show coming up, I'm like, oh, I can't wait to do the arena. I can't wait to headline it at my home. That's gonna be great. I'm doing the, wow, cool. And now I look back and I'm'm like, oh, I can't wait to do the arena. Like I can't wait to headline me home. That's gonna be great. I'm doing the arena. Wow, cool. And now I look back and I'm being like, can't believe I fucking done the arena.

While I'm on stage, I am just being like, just do the show. Yeah. Rather than like actually enjoy it. You're not like, wow, this is amazing. You're like just doing the thing. The only time I really got to truly enjoy the moment of that was when I brought Jamie Webster

I was at the arena and he was singing and I was getting to watch that happen. That was like, oh, I'm actually here. Because I'm not having to do anything. You were at your show at that point. And I think it is probably like a maybe like a ADHD type thing where it's like when I'm doing something as sort of intense as performance stand up, I'm like hyper focused on it. Dialed in.

Are you ever in the moment going, I should be enjoying this and then not? Do I mean like going, I should be more present now? Not quite, but I did sort of, towards the end of my last tour, there was a couple of shows that we did where I was like not grateful for having to do the show. Like there was a show,

I think we did the Albany Theater in Coventry or somewhere like that. I think I, I think I've missed that one. No, you went into somewhere in Scotland and said that, like, and I didn't go to that one and you. That was like a nightclub gig, yeah. But like the Coventry one or whatever we were,

you were definitely at, like I know for a fact you were. And like it started like five minutes late. So I was, Alfie was doing 20 minutes and I was like, right, so it'd be 25 past eight by the time I get on. And then it'll be 20 minutes, a quarter to two. And if I just do 50 minutes then like, and I was like, and then it'll be 20 minutes, maybe a quarter or two. And if I just do 50 minutes, then like, and I was like, and then I was like sort of figuring out what time I'd be home by.

And it was towards the end of the tour when whatever. And then before I went on stage, I was like, what am I doing here? Like I've sold out like a 400 seat theater. Like I'd have killed for this. Like last year, nevermind five, 10 years ago. And I'm like sort of like rushing my way through it and being like, I can't, I just want to get home.

And I was like, this just needs to fucking stop. Like I need to be more sort of grateful for shows like this because of the fact I can sell as many tickets in a small city, wherever we were. I was like, this just, and then I went on and really enjoyed that show because I was like- Making the effort to be present. Like slap myself into it.

Yes, I do think, I mean, it's the ability to reflect on things and have like, I suppose, like masturbation is the one proper reversal of that. That's something that you only enjoy in the moment and then you hate that you just did it. Like it's the complete, nobody's masturbating and thinking, God fucking. I have sometimes when I'm hungover and it just feels like

I'm just trying to get some like regret out of me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like draining a. Yeah. Also like I probably need to be sick, but I don't feel nauseous so I should probably have a wank. Yeah, something's got to leave. Yeah. Look forward to what's going on.

I don't care what it is, but there's a little bit too much fluid in here and it needs to leave. Yeah. I don't care what it is, but there's a little bit too much fluid in here and it needs to get out somehow. I broke my record in New York, in Austin of what? Wanks in a day. 13. No, no, no, no. How are you like 11 stone? How much do you think I was coming to us? Yeah. 13. Yeah. The last one was like a tear.

A little wink. It was a tear. How? It was like a, you know, like when in a film and someone sheds one happy tear. That's what I came. It won't have happened. You've got to do it instead. You had 13 wanks in Texas. I was hungover. But towards the end of that batch, how many of them were you going,

I could break my record here. You can't have been galvanized to do the 10th. You've got to be in it for the numbers then. If I'm being a hundred percent honest, I reckon the first four, I was like, I need these and these are fun and I'm enjoying it. Five through seven was like the, something needs to leave stuff. And then I think eight and nine, I enjoyed it again.

I was like, oh, this is whatever. You just start partnering with the funds. If whatever needed to leave hadn't left from one through four, I'm not sure that was the right hole, mate. I think you need to be going. I'm not saying, hey, I was in Austin having some really logical thought plans.

I'm saying this is just what happened. And I think once I got to nine, I knew how close I was to 11. And I was like, I can push through here. Two more cup finals. What's the shortest reload time? So all of this happened between, I think, 8 a.m. and 6 p.m. That's mental.

That's mental. I thought it was a late night thing. For a baker's dozen of wanks, that is bollocks. Harry Kane in the Bombers League. I once did two wanks in a row and I was about 14 and the second one was just powder. It just, the end of my knob just went, and there was nothing came out.

I was like, I'm going to count that as one. No, when it comes to masturbation, I've got quite a quick reload time. Not so fucking flex. You know how like Ozzy Osbourne gets studied for like how he survived drugs? I reckon doctors could like this man produces so much common testosterone because 13 in a day he's in like insane. It was like I once knew a bloke who like it was like he felt ill with it like he couldn't get anything done like he was trying to watch an episode of the Sopranos and he

had to stop halfway through to rub one out. And I felt deadly sorry for him. But also like you have, sometimes you do that and then your partner will say to you, oh, how come you don't go a bunch of times when we... Because that's like, there's a performance aspect there. Totally, also, like I know exactly what you're saying, but like towards like the pornography that I was watching

had to get steadily more insane. Like the porn that got me off at Wank One would not have done for number 13, you know? Like my dick would have looked at that and number 13 and be like, are you fucking joking? Yeah. Are you fucking, like, no. Okay.

Do you know what I mean? And by 13 it was... Like by 13, like it was just like brothers in bike magic trick again. We've already seen you fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah. We know that's not that thumb. That's a good one. Yeah. Towards the end, it's just, you know, like, I think one of the best feelings in the world I'll just remember and you haven't had one and you can have one. But you've got the time and space to do one.

Time and space, like your defense of midfielder. Scarring. You're like, oh, I haven't had one and you know. I've given up porn. And I really, I've cut back, I've stopped smoking weed, I've cut back a lot on booze and I've stopped watching porn. And if you told me beforehand the benefits that you'd get from not watching porn, I wouldn't have believed you.

Like if you put that in a supplement and tried to flog it, you'd be a bajillionaire. It's incredible. Really, really. What are the benefits to not watching porn? There's a sense of daily torpor, I think that I experienced like- Well, we're gonna need to know what that was.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Just a glo- No, just a sad, just a sadness and like a lack of motivation, a stillness and a fuzzy thought.

Like when you've- when you've been mast- like it just- what are you- it just throws your reward system all off. Like you just- you- you- sitting in your bed watching a splayed tent. And what had you done but eat crisps? You don't deserve to see a splayed tent. But there you are in your bed, I get to see a splayed tent. No, you don't.

You've got to work for that. If you cold plunge and then masturbate, by the way, just to wrap up on that, when I was cold plunging today, like I thought I was in the sauna thinking I need to piss. I thought, well, I can't piss in the sauna. Despite the fact that I thought if I did it on the coals, it would be interesting. Anyway, and then I'll go into the water to try and piss, but the water freezes the piss inside you. So you've got to, I was in the

water like straining all every kind of sinew of being, trying to get piss out of this little kind of dog's nose that was in between my leg at the time. And it dribbled out like it was a, it had a cold. It was disgusting. Won't piss in water. Not even the sea. You won't piss in the sea? No. Oh, is that because you're worried about the fishes? You're a vegan. I'm veggie, but nothing about the fish. Is it related?

No, unrelated. Just can't do it. I don't think there are any fishes in the dock, so. What is that though? No idea. Just feels wrong. Wouldn't you even have a piss in the bath? What?

You're in the bath and you just. I won't do it in the sea. I wouldn't do it in the bath. It's a lot more contained. I wouldn't piss in the bath. Oh, so you're worried about getting piss on your legs? I think so. I think deep down. Isn't everyone worried about getting piss on their legs?

Your piss ends up in the sea. Just someone else puts it there. A white, just cut out the middle, man. You do. Just walk to the beach and have a piss. Why not? I don't know, I just don't like it. Look, this fact, I've not got a lot of science facts,

and this one might bamboozle you, but there is loads of sea. So I don't think you've got to worry about it. I don't know. There's so much more sea. I'm just comfortable in a toilet. Sure, I'm not saying go to the sea to do a wee. You know, the gayest thing you've ever

said. George Michael. I'm home. Yeah. I just can't do it. No, I think I've got a bit of trauma from the better than pissing in the, in the toilet. I do have, I do have like a bit of fear about the sea still deep down like, yeah. Cause I stood on a poisonous fish when I was seven and you lost your mind a puffer fish. Oh, right. Cousin puffer fish. I can't be gay about a cousin who's a puffer fish. It was like a relative of a puffer fish, because it was a sharp, spiky kind of thing.

Yeah. And they had to... So, my dad... I started screaming on the beach. I felt like I was going to die. I was like, I'm going to die. I was like, I'm going to die. I was like, I'm going to die.

I was like, I'm going to die. I was like, I'm going to die. I was like, I'm going to die. I was like, I'm going to die. I was like, I'm going to die. I was like, I of a puffer fish because it was a sharp spiky kind of thing. And they had to, so my dad, I started screaming on the beach. I feel like I've done this years ago, but I will have said it's mad that puffer fish are full of water and not air, but continue. Um, stood on this, started, got out the sea and started crying. My mom was like, you've just stood on a rock that's sharp, get back in the sea. And I started screaming, get back in, why? Oh, she was just like, I was a kid.

So she's just like, you're fine. Can I just put a pin in this for one second? It's mad that puffer fish are full of water and not air. Where would they be getting the air from? I don't know, but when you're a kid, you think they're full of air, don't you? Yeah, like. They're just doing this.

Yeah. What? I thought, if my instant thought for puffer fish is full of air. Same. I mean, logically it makes sense that it's water, but like it does look like they're full of air. I always just see them and like, you see a puffer fish before it's puffed and then it goes, fuck I'm thirsty.

And it goes, oh, not that thirsty. That's way too much. It's very uncomfortable. I feel fucking bloated. It just goes, oh, not that thirsty. That's way too much. It's very uncomfortable. I feel fucking bloated. It just goes, yeah, you want to get some of that gut powder that men seem to be having loads of at the moment. Puffer fish in the name, it sounds like it's got air in it because you can have a puff of air.

You can't have a puff of water. A water puff. It puffs. The air doesn't puff, it puffs. The fish puffs, it's a puffer fish. Don't say what you've just heard. Someone who puffs is a puffer. What you wear while you're puffing is pufferware.

Now, I'm not sure that made sense. Puffer coat? Yeah, and they take you to a hospital, a Turkish hospital. Yeah, but this is like 20 years ago now, and it was a bit backwards. Some of Turkey still is a bit backwards, I love it. But-

Easy for you to say. There was, we went to one, and there was a guy in there, and my dad knocked on them, and they were like, no, we're shut, no, sorry, like a clinic. They were like, no. So they took me to a hospital, and they had to, they were like, this is the story I've been told because I don't really remember, I was out of it.

They had to inject me in my ass cheek with like anti-venom. But I was so... Oh yeah, it's just anti-venom, man, pretty nice. So, but I was kicking off and they had to have 11 people hold me down. 11 spare people in a hospital. That is a lie. You have been lied to. Turkish people are maggots.

You've been lied to by 11 people. Yes. This is my boy. This is my boy. When he was a kid, he stand on poisonous fish. Fish die instantly We take him to the hospital and take 11 men How do 11 men even get around you one man just got his like his arm Another man goes to the bottom of his leg like Rachel and friends when they're moving the couch, she's just like touching it. Big way. Massive, mate.

He wasn't the size, he was just slippery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Agile, easy to get away. So yeah, and you lost your nan's ring in the sea. I did lose my nan's ring in the sea. Yeah, right. Which wasn't funny. It wasn't, but looking back it was.

Yeah, it was funny. At that moment, when you were cracking jokes, It was funny. At that moment when you were cracking jokes, I was like, time and a place boys. But now looking back, I'm like, they had no choice. Oh, we had no choice. That was also the only time in the place. Yeah. It just happened. It was the time was you had just lost it. The place was where you've lost it. That's the time and the place. But in that moment, it wasn't ideal for me. It's amazing in hospital though. I will say when something's going wrong, people just seem to materialize. Like if you want something like can I have a drink? They go, no staff, no staff. And then if

suddenly, so like my son, he came out, um... Congratulations. LAUGHTER Oh, his neck's weird. He didn't come out as dead. He didn't say, Mum, Dad, I'm dead. He came out of Jesse. We've always known, son. He wasn't breathing and he went, I'm dead. And I went, yeah, you're blue.

That was... We knew all along. And as soon as he came out and not crying and everything, like 11 nurses and everything came in, siren went off and they all rushed around. They put him under this grill, um, and then stuck a tube down his throat and one of the nurses just pumped him back up, uh, like a puff of, uh, and he's, and he's fine. Was that your first experience of childbirth or do you have that? That was my first experience of childbirth.

Apart from when you were born. Apart from when I was born, but that's hazy. Which is lucky. I think it's nice that the human species doesn't have any memory at the beginning or the end of its life. Yeah. Because at the end of your life, it's like scary. So you just forget. So it's easier to deal with. And the beginning of your life, if you could remember end of your life. It's like scary. So you just forget.

So it's easier to deal with. And the beginning of your life, if you could remember what was going on, it'd be so awkward. Like if your mom's going, do you want a fucking drink? Your mom, that's fucking weird. So do you think it's mad that like humans

are like the most intelligent animal? Like we're the best one, right? Sure. But like generally, like we're quite good at stuff and other animals aren't. But like generally, like we're quite good at stuff and other animals aren't. But like other animals learn to do stuff, like dogs come out walking. Yeah.

And we don't. Sharks are born swimming, mate. Do you know what I mean? That's because of the size of our brains though. It got, when we're in like the womb, I think, the basic kind of equipment is like, let's get this brain sorted. And then the body goes,

what about developing some limbs that work? He goes, I don't care, just do the brain bit. And that's why he was, cause it's why human birth is so difficult cause the heads are so big. And which is why Donnie came out dead because he was stuck in the birth canal. Great band name.

Oh yeah, don't we? I just think like if an alien looked down on Earth and seen like a human born and then a dog born, they'd be like, oh, the dogs obviously run the run the gap. Like they come out talking, walking, they're fucking ready. And babies are just pooing their pants and crying. Yeah, but it's about what we need to do. Like we need to invent the wheel and do podcasting. Whereas they just need to run about or slide down there, have a sleep. It's tiny little head. He's got a good job. We're not like eggs. It'd be mad if we came from eggs. Put it on. Put it on. It's a good job. We're not

eggs. Stick it on a t-shirt. I'll buy it. I will buy that. If that ends up on a t-shirt, I'll buy 12 please. Good job. That'd be more mad, wouldn't it? Yes, it would be. It's also a good thing that we... Can nobody interrupt Finn and let him explain his thought, please? I was just thinking, we were talking about birth. I was like, some animals come from eggs and we don't. Yeah, yeah, that's a good thing. He's fucking right, it's a good thing. It's also a good thing that the human body can digest more than just the placenta of the female gibbon.

That's good, isn't it? That's also good. It's good. Imagine a week that if we wear eggs, you went, no, instead, you're going to grow in that person's belly. You'd be like, what the fuck with eggs? I've definitely said this before, we're playing my hits today. I was terrified of pregnant women until I was about 10. Just scared of them.

I don't know. I have no idea. I couldn't speak to my auntie while she was pregnant. I used to just leave the room. know. I have no idea. I couldn't speak to my auntie while she was pregnant. I used to just leave the room. Has there been any investigation into a possible neurodivergence in your... We stood on a pregnant, a poisonous pregnant. I'll go neurodivergence is rife in this building. Right. You've given up porn. You've given up porn and you think a big part of it is

your reward system is back intact. Because you don't think we deserve, like I didn't deserve to watch a splayed 10 whilst eating crisps on my bed. That's right. What are the other benefits? Are there any other benefits? Well, I think the clear mindedness and motivation

to go about your life doing more than sitting down on your phone, on Instagram, looking at Dave Portnoy review pizza or Jennifer Garner giving me a tour of her garden. But I think if I was not watching porn, I'd be watching more of that. It would give me more time to watch Dave Portnoy review pizza.

I think, and I think you'll get up and go as more, I think you are more motivated to go about your life achieving things. Cause the reward that you get from working is not as much as the reward that you get from watching a splayed 10. So. Yeah, I never write a joke and then come.

No, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. I get it. To be honest with you, you mentioned this to me the other day. Yeah. And I knew you were coming here,

so I didn't like dig deep into your theory because I wanted to do it here. Sure. But I have decided that I'm gonna quit porn too. Hey. I'm not gonna make it anymore. Cheers. I think that calls for a kind of sneak,

ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, old me self. Here, the porn free lads. Do you think any of the benefits, because your porn quittle has coincided with your weed quittle, do you think you might be getting benefits from quitting weed that you're assigning to

quitting porn? Well, this is why it's quite bad science, I'm afraid Adam. Yeah. But I did quit weed before. No, I quit porn before I quit weed. And I saw that it's nice. It's coming. It's got, it's come out with its boots on that one.

Yeah. No, I, I gave up that before. I gave up porn a while ago, way before Weed. And I felt like that was a benefit. I just don't feel as sleepy. And I think I giving up Weed has allowed me to have better access to my language. I feel like I was quite cloudy headed and I couldn't remember words. And I think I was in Amsterdam a little while ago like I was quite cloudy headed and I couldn't remember words. That's exactly how I felt. And I think I was in Amsterdam a little while ago and I was with Pienaveli, great comedian. That's what we've always been saying about you by the way. Like since you've been on the weird,

we've been like Alfie's vocabulary is dog shit. Quite dumb. Well, I said to Pierre in the morning, I went, look, can we go down to the, you know, the little rivers? And he went canal. I'm going to stop smoking weed. I smoked it once and I smoked it like a shit house and hit whitey and whatever. But the thing I remember after it was my struggling. That's so funny that I couldn't think of struggling. The struggle to conjure words. I was like, I was rarely aware of that. I was like, and that wasn't there before I did that.

Yeah, yeah, but it's not the case for everyone. I know a lot of people who smoke weed and don't have that problem. And actually I had, I got some lamb's bread, which was Bob Marley's favorite weed. And smoking that, because you always speak to like older people who were alive in the 70s,

they'd go, you know, we used to be something fun, you could pass around the joint and it'd be all right. It'd be a social thing. You'd carry on talking. These days, you know, you have a puff and then you need to go to sleep for two weeks. And I got what they were talking about because I had about five joints and went, I might go and operate some heavy machinery. You know what? I'm fine. five joints and went, I might go and operate some heavy machine. I'm fine. I just feel like good. They bred it, haven't they, recently. They're genetically modifying it to be stronger and stronger and stronger.

Yeah, yeah. Without any of the benefits. But doesn't that mean it becomes less sellable because it's more like inaccessible to people? People will have it once and be like fuck that mate, me nan was talking to me and she's been dead for the... I think it makes it more addictive. And the major addictive property of anything that I find myself addicted to

is something that helps me sleep. Because sleeping is impossible to do when you're just... That's when I most feel like this time is just dog shit. This time that I'm spending in this bed. Like this is such a tragic waste of human life We could be out socializing we could go to pop world, you know, we could do all sorts of things I could be cold plunging right now What's your current vice then?

Mr. Replace all of them things with one. He's still drinking just not as much drinking just not as much And Like I've given up You're still drinking, just not as much. I'm just drinking just not as much. And like I've given up. I've given up all porn and that's great. But I do ring up my female friends and masturbate to them down the phone. So, you know, but you've got to replace one thing with another. Yeah.

Can't have no vices. Suitable replacement. You have no vices. I said replacement. You have no vices. I said you can't have no vices. What do you think yours are? I know I've asked you this before, but I don't remember your answer. I don't know.

I'm struggling to conjure. I've been smoking some weed. I don't know. I get that struggling to conjure on like a serious hangover. And that was one of the things that made me think I had MS. It's the worst and you're showing you like, it's still there today. And there's not one way they couldn't think of today. And you're like, right. It hasn't gone yet. And then after a little while it went, I was like, that has to be linked to me doing that to my body. And that's the one of the main reasons I won't do it again. Cause

I don't want to, my words are still here. I said before, we're not eggs. See I've got words, but you might have more words that you can't access because you're just dumbing yourself. No, I've cut down. I've cut down quite a bit recently on words, on words. I was having too many words and it was really ruining me life. I think man's sugar. And I know that's like a really common one. Like we'll be all addicted to sugar. I think they're all really common and they're not like, you know, you can't be in, but like, you know, it's fine. If it's your vice, it's your vice. And I've caught it because we started our diet three weeks ago for the wedding. So I have cut down and when I have some sugar now, I'm like, holy shit, that's good.

Take me through your diet protocol. Just loads of protein. Calorie count, which I've never done before, which I don't like. Yeah. It's like I can't eat anymore today because I've hit a number, which has never been a part of my life before. It feels weird. But I do quite like if it's hooked up to your Apple watch,

you can go for a yomp around town and then earn yourself a little biscuit. So I'm not doing that. I'm not. You shouldn't be, like, if you're actively trying to drop weight, you shouldn't be buying back food with exercise. I'm not offsetting it. Your exercise should be in addition to your calorie deficit.

Why? What's the fucking point? What's the point to that function? To accelerator? Yeah. I'm not offsetting. You can't out train a bad diet Alfie. I know, but if you're counting calories and you've burned off the thing with the walk,

then you can have the hobnob. Surely? A hobnob is such a fucking waste. Like that is not the satisfaction per calorie you get from a hobnob is not worth it. It depends on your context. Whenever I'm like, I see, you know, when you see somebody walking down the street and they've got like a, one of those cookies from a cookie concession place and they're like rushing somewhere eating the cookie. I go, you fucking waste. Like, what? This is something to be savoured. This is...

Like, sit down and eat the cookie and think about the cookie. And if somebody tries to talk to you while you're eating the cookie, I go, I'm actually just engaging my pleasure centres. Thank you. Could you leave me alone to the end of the cookie? Because I want the sugar and the butter to cascade over my tongue and for me to really engage with what it is to taste this fucking thing. So it is a waste if you're just walking somewhere eating a hobnob absent-mindedly, but if you

think about the cookie and are present with the cookie, so worth it. I don't know. I checked into a hotel yesterday and got a free hot cookie. Yeah, DoubleTree. It was a DoubleTree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's their thing. That's their thing. They give you a hot cookie. Yeah, a double tree. It was a double tree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's their thing. That's their thing, they give you a hot cookie.

That's why people booked with the double tree. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because the double tree is just a Premier Inn, but they give you hot cookies. Yeah, I mean, I didn't actually stay there. I had to check in and the room got wasted, but I got a cookie. Why did you, oh, I see.

It's an expensive cookie, innit? Yeah, yeah. Last night, I went over to Manchester to do a couple of stand-up sets, very fun. And on the way back realized I was A, starving and B, had calories left that I could eat because I'm really back on my journey. And I realized that I have about 500 that I could have

which is like enough for like a good bite. And when I got home, I realized, I was like, oh, I'll just have two pieces of toast. And the butter, the layer pack you would put on a slice of orange war buttons would make the whole piece of toast about 200 calories. So if I had two pieces, 400 calories. So instead, I had 300 grams of chicken

and made some Chinese curry sauce that I have a powder to make. And it was less calories than two pieces of toast would have been. And I basically had a chicken curry without the rice at fucking like nearly midnight. And it was better for me. It was 90% protein and less calories

than two pieces of toast. I do think that there needs to be, like if I'm gonna think about it and say the word calorie, which is an exceptionally depressing word to have to say, like it would be good just to get it all done, like within a six month, three month window, and then get into the sort of shape where you never have to say calorie ever again.

You just need to break. And I mean, I'm in great shape, except for my abdomen. Like my arms and legs. I'm like, I'm a fucking athlete. But it's just this. And I also, I'm not like fat. I like I'm a thin guy with a big layer of fat on me. Like, and there's a difference. You know, when somebody's fat and they're like, Hey, I'm fat. And that's cool. Like Tony Soprano fat, like hot fat, like he's cool, powerful fat. I've just got this nice slim body with a layer of sad, droopy hobnob fat on it. You're not cool. No, it's like it's it, it's subject to the laws of gravity in a way that Tony Soprano's gut isn't

this big distended dome thing. Yeah, like if Jack Finnegan ever had like Finn's body, he'd look pathetic. When Jack. And you don't, you don't. No, when Jack lost loads of weight recently, I was like, oh, you don't look like Jack anymore. Yeah. Jack is like a bear, isn't he?

It's his character as well. Barrel-chested. Yeah. I think my superpower, and I never understood it until I got into my thirties, would be eat whatever I want and have the body I want. It always bothers me that when I lose all the weight and get to where I want to be.

So I think I got down to like 86 kilograms last year. I'm currently 93. Imagine if you were an X-Man with that superpower. Hanging out with Rogue and Cyclops and everybody. What can you do? You go, you go. I gotta stay here. Solve the, you did really, that was like busy work.

That was, must've been exhausting. I'm proud of you guys. But, oh, mm. If anyone wants to fuck, I still look amazing, by the way. And after I've finished this nacho cheese with a spoon, you know, I'm up for it. The way you kill the enemy is just, I always eat them. Let's have an eating contest and see who wins.

They just die. I always resent that when I get to my target, I still have to do stuff to maintain that. Like I feel like when I get there, it should like, there should be like a God who goes, you've done it. And now you can eat what you want forever and just be here.

And if you wanna go down again, you have to cut it again, but you've reached a good level, like leveling up. Yeah. Go fucking back again. You just have to be like a swimmer or a rower who, and I think that is, that must be fucking, like it must be a nightmare having to eat 5,000 calories a day

just to maintain your athletic capabilities. And I think you'd get really bored. It's the right calories as well. And then you'd resent eating, sorry? It's the right, you could do 5,000, piece of piss, just have two packets of biscuits even. But it's eating 5,000 of the right calories. That was one of the other big things about quitting weed is that I would smoke and then I'd find that all the cereal was gone. Like I was in a fugue state powered only by my desire to consume shite

and I would raid every cupboard. I think once I got, yeah, there's nothing here. I'm gonna have a, I might have a spoonful of cumin or something. I don't eat anything. Actually, when you're high and you're, it does, it triggers your receptors, doesn't it? Oh my God. Also sex high is something worth persevering with. I do miss a lot of it. I am, I woke up once after being like, you know, when I, like when I get really drunk and don't remember getting home and I went into the kitchen and there was an empty pizza box and there was also 12 empty packets of crisps from a 12 multi pack. But I reckon about 30% of those crisps were all over the kitchen and the other 70% must

have been in me. But I remembered none of it. But I've come in, finished a pizza and then gone, I'm sure I've got crisps somewhere. It's all 12 packets of it or whatever I could get into me mouth and I just had to ring a cleaner and be like, I can't do this. It all made me so sad. Just come and clean the flat for me. I can change the crisps like they don't even exist. Yeah. Like I like we're sat here right now talking about food. All I've had is porridge

and I've been cold plunging, which makes you feel starving. I need a big old booty. Well, let's go and have a break then. Top left. See you in a bit. Hello everyone. Very excited to announce Dan's Anthems is on sale now. I've wanted to do this event for ages. Adam's been doing his country all day

as they've been smashing it. We're going ahead. We've got a great venue, content where they do bongos, bingo. We've got Sunday, the 20th of April, it's Easter Sunday. So you've got the next day off, that's a bank holiday. Come and have a day rave. I mean, it's a day, it starts at four.

So you can do all the family stuff for Easter and then come and have a dance with us, four till 10. If you need to get home early, if you need to get trains, you can get home. It's a very reasonable amount of time. If you've ever gone clubbing, if you enjoyed raving back in the day and you haven't done it for a while like me, come and get involved. If you've still got a great social life, just come and have a massive night out with all the lids. And it's

not like hard techno or anything like that. We're not trying to be cool. Just club classics, absolute bangers, all the good dance music that you know and love. With me on stage curating a DJ set, we've got Felix Light of DJ, Johnny Bongo is DJing, our very own Charlie. It's a great lineup of music. It's gonna be an incredible event, very welcoming, very inclusive, but a lot of fun. So tickets available now in the episode description.

Dan's Anthems, Sunday, the 20th of April, 20 quid. Get on me. Does anybody remember? We're on! Um, Estobesto ragostadinde, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive,

lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, lestavem vol vive, That's less than a decade old, surely. No, no, no, it's 20 years old. At least. 20 years old. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's your life disappearing, that. That's your life going over. Hey, you wake up one day, you're 44. You're dead. 2003. Today, 22 years ago. I was but a 16-year-old boy. Five. Five. I was but a 16 year old boy. Five.

Five. Five. I was five. How old were you? About two and a half. It's pathetic. Three. That's pathetic. It is mad because I just assume everyone's my age. People who were 25 were born in the year 2000.

That's disgrace. Yeah. I mean, yeah, that's life. That checks out. Should we do some... Oh, we got... There's footballers playing professional football who were minus eight when 9-11 happened.

Yeah, okay. Yeah. And there are footballers playing professional football now who were born after the first iPhone was released. Yeah. Bleak mate. No, I like it, Lord. I don't. You like it? Yeah, no, I'm going to make a great 50 year old. Yeah, what I want is a nice, a great 50 year old. What I want is a nice, weather beaten face to match my soul. Do you know who I want to look like really is either Ralph Fiennes or my mind's gone blank. Uh oh. Breaking Bad. Brian Cranston. Thank you so much indeed everybody. Yeah. Brian Cranston. I didn't mean to call you an inanimate object. I was upset. Oh, that back to Ray Fiennes here.

He's not a particularly weathered face though. Ryan Cranston. No, Ray Fiennes. The conclave where he's got, he's lost a bunch of weight. Basically if you, I think if I got down now, if I started running and got down to like, that really, really skinny, skinny abs on show, there would still be like residual flesh from when I was larger. So all the creases in my face would sort of retreat

and it would hang more and it would just look great. You have to start running soon because you owe me a half marathon, don't you? Erm, I don't like that phraseology particularly. I don't feel like I owe you anything apart from loads of money for all the drinks that you buy. LAUGHTER Like to the tune of probably like a small road-worthy car. LAUGHTER Er... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So, so for that, I'll run the half, the half marathon, I suppose. I

need to get going on that. Yeah. You have about eight weeks. It's not enough. I did exactly the same thing last year. We eased my way around Taunton with you. And then, I don't have to do it, otherwise I'll simply just die. Yeah. Should we do some executive orders? We should do some executive orders, Finn. We don't have a jingle for this one,

but Alfie, would you like to kick us off or would you like to hear some from the listeners? I think the jingle for this, by the way, should be basically like Ray Winston's bet three, six, five adverts. So instead of betting play now it's get it done. Nah. Hey, I'll see you have nice thoughts at home. Yeah. But it could be if Trump did the bet three, six, five adverts. Yeah. Get like get it done done now, please. Put a bed on. It's a great bed. He's never saying please. No, you're absolutely right. Yeah. Have you got any? I, were I given the opportunity to sign an executive order, I would make it no more books for 10 years. We've had enough books, there are enough books.

And you're a little book guy as well. Yeah, but I don't want any more fucking, like, how many times is there like a, is there like a comedian or some like celebrity, I've got a new book out. Fuck off. Who's reading that? It's just space. You're taking up space. People say to me, oh, have you not read the new

Richard Osmond book? No. No, because I've not read everything by John Steinbeck yet. And I don't want to like... Of Mason Benz's Goat Meat. Yeah, yeah. It's top tier. Is that him? It's S tier. Okay. Is he not a one hit wonder?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. What's one of the other ones? If I've not heard of them, it doesn't count. Harry Potter? The Grapes of Wrath? Harry Potter? He did Harry Potter. Oh no, that's J.K. Rowland. Sorry. I get them confused. East of Eden, I think. I've't do it in school. Yeah. Weird. They let us read that. Use of spoil it for me though. I know the ending now, so there's no point in watching it. He kills him. Who kills who? The other one kills Lenny.

George kills Lenny. Yeah. Yeah. But why? Cause he's a bit, you know, simple. It's not about the destination. It's about the journey. Isn't it?

Cause he's a bit simple. No, he doesn't kill him cause he's disabled Finn. Does he not? No. He kills him. I thought it was Finn. Does he not? No. He kills him because he, like, spoilers, he just won't stop touching things. He goes, you just wouldn't stop touching the women. And then blows his head off.

So it's a justified killing? Oh, yeah, yeah. It's to save the lives of many other women. No, it's not. He's not murdering women, is he? No, he's just... He does murder a woman. Does he?

He murders Kelly's wife. Oh, yeah, he hugs her to death. He picks her up and like fucking... Literally hugs her to death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He kills a woman. I love you! Yeah.

I love you! It's like showing him love at dark and you're like, ha ha, we did that to a woman. Yeah, which you can me you love a dog. You're like, ah, we did that to a woman. Yeah. Which you can't do even then. It keeps getting them like fired or they have to like run away from ranches that they're working on.

Cause like on one run, she's like, oh, I've killed all the rabbits. I was hugging all the rabbits. And then by the end of the book, it's like, oh, Carly and Carly's a naughty boy as well. And would like torture them to death. He hugs his wife and she's fucking, I forgot about that. I did forget about that. She wore reds means red equals slag. That's what we

got taught in school. We literally got taught that in school. She's wearing red because she's a hussy. Now do the plot of the Thursday Murder Club by Richard Osman. Huh? Now do the plot of the Thursday Murder Club. I did buy that book. That's one of the books I've bought. I haven't bought lots of bought. It's a Netflix film isn't it? It's going to come out as a Netflix film. Yeah. I bought it. The only book I've read almost all the way through is Jamie Carragher's Autobiography. Great read. It's good that one. It's good. It's about Jamie Carragher's life. Again, it's a really touchy moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's red so he's a slag. Rigger Bear song, very much the villain of Jamie Carragher's autobiography.

He does not like Rigger Bear song. Does he not like Rigger Bear song? I think he doesn't like Rigger Bear song. I can't remember. It's been like 20 years. He's bought lots though. He plans to read. I've started reading Matthew McConaughey's book Greenlights. Autobiography or fiction? It's a sort of memoir,

but he's doing it in his own twisty way. Ooh, that sounds good, doesn't it? In all good book shops. Anyway, no more books. My other executive order is when you... You haven't pushed this one through yet. Yeah, we need to vote on this. Oh, you need to vote on it?

No, we don't need to vote on it. Okay, well then, you don't know what an executive order is. No, no, but we have to set the... That's not the whole point of an executive order, is it's executive. We haven't banged the gavel then. I have ordered it as the executive. Bang the gavel.

There it is. There you go. No more books for 10 years. So you can put your book deals on hiatus. God, imagine having to be the first guy back. I don't know how good that book's going to be. This is the first book in 10 years. That would have to be...

Is that just fiction? No, all books, no more books. So no like, if COVID happened now, no books about COVID. And actually, fuck it, no more news. Fair. I just like, oh, there's been a helicopter crash. Okay, I don't need to know.

Sean said this a couple of weeks ago. It was mad, but I just don't... I reckon that I could just not watch the news, read all my nice books or whatever I want to read, and then about three months before every election... That's so funny. That is exactly what Sean said this two weeks ago. The exact thing. Give me my news at the end of the year. Wouldn't it be funny if I watched every episode

and I was just going to continuously now do old bits that other people had done and gaslight you into thinking that I had no idea what it was? That's disappointing because I was sort of percolating it as an idea for a bit, but anyway, great minds and all that. Yeah, that's, I just don't think that- Who watches the news anyway? Or reads the news or listens to news podcasts. Who are these fucking gimps?

You don't wake up and take the news, unless it's like by accident, like passively, like on the radio. Twitter. I get my news from Twitter and I just immediately just don't believe any and I say, yeah, that's how I wear. I get me news from Twitter and go probably bollocks anyway. The helicopter crash was mad though. It is. It is. Yeah. It hasn't improved my life and there's loads of other, I don't know, I don't know why I need to know. Is it every time anybody dies that I need to know about? Or is it just someone's just died? Just then? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm very upset about the lupus. Guy? AIDS, cancer, bomb to death.

Oh wow. I think they're quite uncommon. Yeah, but it happens once every six claps. Once every six claps, a man is bombed to death. Yeah, I don't like the idea of being bombed to death, but I did watch... Stay away from Michael... Oh!

Michael Barrymore. I'll do it again. Stay away from Michael Barrymore's pool parties, then. Um... Well, I have done thus far. And I wasn't planning on attending any. I feel like that's a tough RSVP nowadays, isn't it? LAUGHTER Like, oh, Michael's invited us to the pool party.

Ah, can't make it, Michael. Sorry. If you have to. Why is that? Why? Because Samantha's in work all week. Yeah, she's not invited anyway. It's just you. The chances of another one though. It's like the 12-y ones. She's not invited anyway. It's just you. The chances of another one though. It's like 12.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's actively avoiding pool parties though? How'd you do that? What do you mean? What are you up to lad? I'm avoiding Michael Barrymore's pool. Aren't we all doing that possibly? Is this a running joke that you have about Malcolm Iremor on the podcast?

I mean it's a long time ago we mentioned, you know, He was on the wall at one point. We did mention a long time ago the fact that someone, you know, was in a pool bed. Yeah, yeah. Like it did happen, didn't it? He drowned through his bump. I do just want to separate myself from any legal.

Yeah, it's all alleged and he allegedly drowned through his bump. What? What? Like his bubble. Carl? What? Yeah, like his bum or... Karl's alleging it. LAUGHTER Allegedly, it's great, isn't it? LAUGHTER

In my head, his bum was that big, it just filled with water. Like a puffer fish. It's surprisingly not air, which it would have been if it was a puffer bum. LAUGHTER It was. Careful! LAUGHTER I don't know what you're talking about. I don't want anything to do with any...

Would you rather, if you had to go to one, are you going to a Michael Barrymore pool party or a P Diddy freak off? I don't know, what's my job? Policeman, probably P Diddy freak off. No, you're going for the vibes. Vibes. The Michael Barrymore one? Yeah, I quite like it.

It's easy to avoid. Don't get in a pool and keep your pants on. From what I know about Michael Barrymore... It's on the wall, no bombing. I quite like him. No bombing. I like Michael Barrymore. I always like it lucky.

Yeah, and that was him, wasn't it? Brilliant TV show. Yes. We are playing there. It's like you've watched the show more so much then again. Yeah. Um, yeah. On the, on the one of wallets, there's no bombing instead of bombing. I know I did hear that the first time I just chose to ignore it. It's just the first. So how does this executive order thing work? Can I, does that

now have another one? Yeah. It's done. Um's done. I've got a couple of serious ones. Electric bikes need registration plates, done. And this is a personal grab of mine. And also all taxi drivers, and this is a message to the taxi drivers of this city, you take card, by the way, always, every time. You take card. Go fucking, I said, I've got the taxi driver from Lime Street

to my house the other day. I go, card please, mate. And he goes, oh, fuck it now. But she told me at the beginning of the journey I'm gonna turn the machine on. Just have your machine on because it's 2025. The cab has electric doors, you maniac. And you're telling me that you still need a note

with the king's face on it. Are you fucking high? You're making me feel like a dick because I wanted to pay it's cut. No, I don't know what a fucking note looks like these days. Idiot. I was really angry with him. I had an argument with a taxi driver a few months ago.

I was out for a couple of pints with my girlfriend and I flagged a black taxi down outside the boat and while she was getting the food. And I was like, good for this mate. And he went, yeah, I went just wait a couple of minutes. Now I'll give you a tip. I'm just waiting for Mrs. News. Yeah, sounds.

And then I got in the taxi. And as we set off, he went, by the way, it's cash only. And I went, it isn't though, is it? Like you've got the signs on your window saying you take card. And he went, oh yeah, it's not working tonight. And I went, well, I haven't got any cash. And he went, I'll stop somewhere.

I went, no, you take card, I know you do. You're trying to avoid like the tax on it. And I get it, I'll give you the tip. But you take cash. And he's like, I don't take cash, lad. I'm not taking cash. And I went, you're a fucking liar. You know, and she's trying to calm me down.

She's like, pack it in. I went, no, he's fucking lying. He's fucking lying. And he went, Adam, he knew me by name. He went, Adam, I've got a camera on here and you're just gonna look like a knobbing on camera. I went, no, I'm not. You take card.

You've got fucking signs up saying you take card. And you've waited till we're 200 yards into the journey to say it's cash only and it isn't. And he went off to leave you there and I got out and ordered the moobah. Like I should have, but there's also no convenient cash point between town and ours is there? There are none. There's one and it's so it's like way out the way. You just, I thought you lived in High Green, don't you? Highton.

Highton. That's Bleep Adams' road name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I of course have just moved to Pimbo. I live in Pimbo. Um. Pimbo. It's the only place I could find up here that would still call it an ice lolly and a lolly ice.

I'm very attached to that. So I've moved to Pimbo. It does annoy me that I say lolly ice. It is right, but it's also, you know. I've already made the executive decision. I say, I, Bath and Castle and things like that. I've adopted that into my everyday vernacular because I'm so bored of you lot going,

but it's right, isn't it? Because it is. What's the alternative to Castle? Castle. Oh, fuck off. Do you see what I mean? Shove that up, you big London c is. What's the alternative to castle? Castle. Oh, fuck off. Do you see what I mean? Shove that up, you big London cunt. What's that?

Well... Right. That's taken a turn, hasn't it? That's really annoyed me. It's castle. There's no H in it. There's no R in it. Hey, do you know what?

As a kid, I was so posh, I called it chicken satay. My mum does as well. Oh, really? Yeah, and I used to always laugh at her. Yeah, but she's not posh, she's from Liverpool. We call it salt and pepper chicken up here. Not chicken satay, you know? You've been a dick.

Salt and pepper chicken satay, that'd be sad. And any other executive orders? Oh yeah, if you order an executive order, you have to do all the paperwork for it yourself, and that will stop you frigging off 58,000 executive orders when you get into power. If you want to release all of the information about Martin Luther King and the Kennedy's assassinations as Trump's just done, then he's got to read through all the documents and let us know. And I'm pretty sure that if that was the case, he'd gone, actually, I'll just do one. I think I'm just going to do one.

Are you not interested in the JFK stuff though? Is that outlaw? Totally, but I just mean it's come. So we signed a couple of days ago and it was within 14 days after all every single document and apparently 95% of them has already been released. But that 5% remaining was still like 40,000 documents. Also a lot of what he said is legally unenforceable, unlike my no books and registration plates for electric bikes. So why Google that? As like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as

like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as

like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like as like through like state government as well. It's so confusing. And the good thing about Trump being in power or like the thing that saves America about Trump being in power is it's so fucking hard to do anything. This is why when a good person gets in power, they can't change anything. And neither can it. The system is absolutely

foolproofed against like totalitarianism, fascism or whatever like. I think it's, I think it's my thought. They can just go, oh yeah, that person's pardoned. Do you like a prisoner? Like, what's his name? Oh, Robert, the guy who invented the Silk Road. Oh yeah, I saw that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's been in prison after 10 years. He did the crime. He's doing the time. And Trump went, I just let him out. Every Thanksgiving, they pardon a turkey. Do they? Yeah. The president pardons a turkey.

He's allowed to live. Yeah. That, that turkey survives Thanksgiving. He's pardoned, which I like because it's, it's, it puts in our brain the idea that all the other turkeys we're eating because they fucked up. You, you're not going to see Christmas, mate, because you did some pretty bad shit. All the turkeys, bastards. But we're going to save this one.

Like the way Biden left and wins. Oh, by the way, all people who know are criminals, they're all silent. Yeah, yeah. In the same way in this country, whenever you leave once a year, I've no idea what the system actually is, but you can go,

oh, all my mates are gonna work in the House of Lords now. All my best mates. Wouldn't it be great if you could put me in the House of Lords? Anyone, the one person you get a letter in the post is like, you're in charge of staff in the House of Lords. Is that real? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh mate, my little B. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's in? Kev's cab. Yeah. Oh, I might be heavy. Who's in? Kev's cab. Yeah, Barrymore. Barrymore. That's it, Kev's cab and Barrymore, that is the only two. Right, we've got some listener ones.

This one's from Adam Wickham. Hey lids, my executive order. Every adult gets a stamp card for going to the pub that marks whether you've been to a pub from January to November. If you don't have all 11 stamps, you're not allowed in the pub for December. Sick of these part-timers and casuals.

Where were you in the dark days of February? Nowhere. Same as the gym. Yeah, different months, but yeah. I've never felt the gym people. I've only got, oh, the gym's full. I think with the gym one though, you only need two stamps.

Just neither of them can be January Yeah, if you went in June and September, that's enough for you to be allowed in January. Yeah, but the poor one I like that's fucking good that you like at least once a month You have to have bought an alcoholic drink show you in the pub And I know by the way, I'm from a family of alcoholics And I know that now it's like, no, you should be able to go to the pub and have a non-alcoholic beer.

You don't get a stamp for that. You do not get a stamp for that. I'm all for people shorting their lives out and I'm all for people having equal opportunities. If you're non-drinking, your time in the pub doesn't count as being in the pub for this person. Do you reckon people would, if they were getting to like the 29th of April

and they've not been, they're just making a visit just to keep their stamps up. Yeah, and that's fine. These people that don't want to go to the pub and not drink, we've got late night dessert places for you. Yeah. Go and have an ice cream. Go and sit with all the Muslim lads while they're having their fucking midnight coffees.

I have you fucking sparkling Heineken water. Sparkling Heineken water. That's what non-alcoholic Heineken is, isn't it? It's sparkling Heineken water. Sparkling Heineken water. That's what non-alcoholic Heineken is, isn't it? It's sparkling Heineken water. I don't know. It's so grim. What a good thing would be. It passes.

It'd be good to go on November 30th and everybody's trying to get their December, like stamp going in and buying everyone else bevies. I need to buy a beer but I don't want it. You could just stand at the bar and just get loads of free beer on it. I'm not even quite sure I understand this one, but I mean I'm happy that you're happy. I think Carl's confused me. What do you mean? So you got, you need to buy a beer in that pub to get your stamp. Or you need to have had one.

Me and you could go and we just get one each. Yeah, but I'm saying- And you've bought both. I still get me stamp. I've had a pint. Yeah, but it was the 30th and you haven't had your pint that month. You're like, oh shit, I need to go in. You go in and buy a pint and give it to someone else and leave. Do you remember when you were in COVID you had to have some food. You get the sandwich and you finish your pint. Oh, okay.

You had to have some food to have a pint during COVID when it sort of opened back up. Mental, yeah, yeah. And I just, I would accumulate sausage rolls on my table, uneaten. And then at the end I'd go, you can have them back, I've not touched any of them. You can just have them.

I went on a first date and because of the social distancing as well, they've not touched any of them. You can just have them. I went on a first date and because of the social distancing as well, they had like a table for two and then the next table for two would be empty to cause the distancing. And they were like, what do you want to drink? And they were like, yeah, great. Also, we have to give you two pizzas,

but we'll just put that on the next table. So I was just in a bar that was full of people sat in tables of two and every other table of two that had no people on had two pizzas on. It worked, oh, you know, no one got COVID. One more, Finn. One more, this is from Ross Thorn.

Executive order for you lads, petrol is the same price at every petrol station. No more lottery on whether you will get robbed or not. That's the best one anyone's written in. Great. That is the best one anyone's written in. That is the best one anyone's written in. This is what petrol costs. And it's like, you know, when you have like a can of Fanta

that's got like 89 P on it. It's like, yeah, that's what you sell it for. It's in, I fucking love it. Break time, Chris McCausland's here. Bosh! Welcome back ladies and gentlemen, and we are joined by Chris McCosley. Wow, this is a proper little empire you got going here.

Absolute honor to have you in, mate. We've worked together for a long time, but I haven't seen you for, I don't think since COVID we've gigged together really. Yeah. I remember one of the first, one of my first weekends ever at the Manchester Comedy Store, we worked together like two or three times. And I was in there doing one of my first weekends. And like I was being all excitable.

And I heard you say something like, here's little Adam Rowe. And I was like, how the fuck do you know I'm little? And you said, because I can hear where your voice comes from. Oh yeah, yeah. I have to angle my head down when I'm talking to you. I have a little category or two in my head of you and Sandy Toxtrick. It's a pleasure to have you here, lad. You've gone on to unbelievable things since we last worked together.

It's been pleasure to have you here, lad. You've gone on to unbelievable things since we last worked together. And yes. It's been absolutely good. It's what they would, if you were on the cover of a Sunday supplement, they would describe it as an irresistible rise. An overnight success. Well. That's what they say, don't they?

A 21 year overnight success. It can often, yeah. I remember seeing, like, I remember one year I went to go and watch John Bishop at the Comedy Store. And then I drove past the Hammersmith Apollo next year and he was on there. And I went, sorry, who decided, is that just a decision?

I don't, I'm confused about, obviously there's loads of stuff that go into making that happen. But to me, he was just one of the four people on the Comedy Store that was great. And then he was on the Hammersmith Apollo. I don't understand how this happened. That was back in the day when like one or two TV shows,

you know, you did a guest spot on the Apollo and maybe Macintyre's Roadshow and then you were famous. But now nine million people would watch it on the telly, you know, suddenly you could sell out a proper big theater. Well, Strictly is one of the last remaining TV programs that people watch. Yeah. Yeah. And and get into. So how did that come about, Chris?

Because like, how did they approach you for that? And what's your initial reaction when you get told you're in the runs to do Strictly? They kept on asking me and I kept on saying no, and I didn't want to do it. I they asked me to do the the year before. I said no, they asked me to do the Christmas special. I said no, They asked me to do the year before. I said no. They asked me to do the Christmas special. I said no. They asked me to do last year's 2024, which I was on.

And I said no, which shows you the amount of willpower I've got. They asked me to do the Christmas special last year. I said no. I just kept on saying no. Because I didn't want to do it. I didn't think I could do it. I thought it would probably be a disaster.

And as you know, when you're a comedian, you get asked to do something, you go and look what it is. You go on prep, you see what it is that's expected of you. You go, yeah, I could do that. That looks fun. I couldn't do that with Strictly because it's visual, isn't it? So I had no idea what it was that was being asked to me.

Oh yes, dancing. Okay, but how good's the dancing? There's lifts. What do you mean by lifts? How mad are the lifts? Is it kind of, is it quite bad dancing? Is it really technical? Is it really good? How bad are the bad people? Who do I need to be better at to not just be the worst?

Do you know what I mean? All these questions and I didn't know. And it was so unknown. And I knew that like, you know, they've always pushed representation on them strictly, which is a good thing, I think. they've always pushed representation on them strictly, which is a good thing, I think, but only if that representation works out to be positive in some regard.

And I thought it could be a disaster, couldn't it? It could be an absolute disaster. I could end up in the audience with a fucking camera on top of me. So I just, I kind of, I just didn't allow myself to think about it fingers in the ears, la la la la la. And, and they kept on asking and then I started allowing myself to think about it and more than it's just been a disaster. And you know, when you realize you're thinking about something too much and you kind of realize I've already made my mind

up here, haven't I? Yeah, you're trying to talk yourself into it. You know, otherwise I wouldn't be thinking about it so much. You've got to look back on that decision now. Don't just be like, thank fucker. Did it cause like look what it's done. Like you won it. Yeah. You did much better with my mom.

She was out in round four. You've beaten the hell out of mom. Congratulations on that small achievement. You didn't even know that you'd attained. Probably wasn't a pressing concern of yours. It was remarkable to be honest. It was honestly like the scariest thing I've ever done in my life.

Like I don't remember being that scared, that terrified of something since my very first gig. Cause I came into standup with no performance background whatsoever. You know, I was a computer programmer. You know, my A levels were maths and further maths and computers. I didn't have a performing bone in my body. I did it to our goal.

Can I just stop you there just one sec? Your A levels were maths, further maths and computers. Yeah. Can I check what high school did you go to? Ha ha ha ha. What? No, genuinely, was it Cardinal Enan? No, so I went to... Did you go to West Derby?

No, I went to St. Mary's first of all, as my infant school when I was in West Derby. And then because of my eyesight and it being the time it was, I went to St. Vincent's, which was for kids that had eyesight problems. Next door. Which is down on Utre Layne past

Broughton Hall and Cardinal Leenan. Yeah, so me and Carl, to your right there, we both went to Cardinal Leenan. And my A levels were maths, further me and Karl, to your right there, we both went to Cardinalin and my A levels were maths, further maths and economics. Yeah, yeah, well, it's, you know, I went to a college in Liverpool, I can't even remember, it's just been called Liverpool College or whatever, but I went to a college in Liverpool after school, mainstream college, and I was there for about six weeks. And this just shows you the

difference back in the 90s, you know, in terms of support and like facilities like facilities and all that you know I was trying to do maths and they went we just can't support you we can't get you the materials to learn here and this was like in 94 so I ended up going to Eriford and there was a college there for again for you know kids who've got sight problems and that's where I did my A levels and so when I went to uni, I'd already done two years away from home. So I'd kind of burnt a lot of that, you know, that mental kind of mayhem out of me

by the time I got to uni. So I was, you know, it wasn't like uni for me wasn't like, oh my God, I'm away from home. I'd done that for two years. So I was. I didn't know you were from West Arby. Like even though we'd worked at it, I just knew you were a scouter.

Yeah. And then one, it was around Christmas time. Maybe like it might've even been Christmas Eve or like the few days before it. And I went into the Heron Hounds pub in West Arby village. And there's a fella just stood at the bar and he goes, all right Adam, that's how you're getting on. And initially my sort of egotistical arrogant talk

was like, oh, this is a guy who's been to see me do stand up or whatever. And it was your dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just having a pint in the ears. Yeah, yeah. And then I was like, oh, no, you live around here. He was like, yeah, like, we're born and raised around here

like this. And I, yeah, I didn't know you were from. He got recognized the other day by somebody who recognized him from the audience in the Blackpool episode is strictly and got and asked him to have a photo with him and honestly he almost he said he could feel his face burning he just wanted the world to swallow him up and eat him alive in that moment because he hates being the center of attention you know. My dad's the exact opposite of that so when we did a big a big podcast show somewhere and like in the queue to get in,

like my dad sort of pushed in the line a little bit, because in his head he's like, it's my son's show, which means it's my show, which means I don't have to fucking queue up. And some lads outside the, I think it might have been the Manchester Apollo actually. And some of the lads in the queue were like, excuse me mate, what are you doing there?

Like fucking get to the back of the line. And he was like, it's my son's show, it's our Adam's show. And they were like, are you Mick Rowe? Cause obviously I've mentioned him on this show a few times with my dad. And then my dad had a fucking queue of like 15 people waiting to take selfies with him.

But he's like made up with it, my dad. He's like fucking right, I will yeah. Like. Yeah, Chris you- Who are they showing that photo to? Yeah. They're tweeting it to me. Yeah.

They're your dads. Yeah, Chris, you went to St Mary's with my brother. I don't know if he was in your year. I think maybe he was. Right. Paul Regler. I don't know if you remember him. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah.

He remembers you. The name rings a bit of a bell to be honest. Yeah, yeah. So he lived on that. He lived on Meadow Lane where St Mary's is. Yeah, yeah. But that's gone back. Like what?

It's amazing how small that school is, isn't it? Still like, it's, cause a lot of these schools now, like you get three classes for every year, don't they? And I still think it's still, still just 30 kids a year, isn't it? It is, yeah, it's tiny. Yeah, I, but no, I had no performance skills at all when going into comedy.

I was terrified when I gave it a go, but I hadn't, I hadn't relived that fear since doing Strictly. And, and it was because it could have been a disaster. Did your dance partner say that the way in which you learn or memorized or had to remember the shapes that your body held was, the teaching's obviously different

because she can't show you through example. Like, so she's got to tell you, put your hand on your hip and your foot on your head and whatnot. What fucking dance was this? I think he's doing the opidology. I don't watch it in protest since they booted my mum off. Ever since Craig Revel Horwood was mean to my mum, I've boycotted the whole programme. So congratulations, but I didn't see. Yeah, but did she say it was different to how you would usually do it?

Yeah, it was massively different. People kept on asking us how you're going to do this together. And like we both like, I have no idea because I had no idea what I was getting into and what was expected of me. And she'd never done it before. So she had no idea how she was going to teach. And we just said, we're just going to have to wing it. We're going to have to just see what works. And it was a lot of descriptive stuff. It was it just took it took all the hours.

We had to we couldn't, you know, be lazy with it. And like sometimes she just had to like, she, I get on the floor and feel what she was doing with her feet because she couldn't describe it. And sometimes she'd have to pick me a leg up and put it where she wants it. Like I was a bendy Spider-Man, you know what I mean? Like, just bend me into the position that she, like, I remember doing the pass a dog leg. Cause like a lot of these things that you learn a dance and then this, you know, there's bits that transfer over into other dances and she, you know, week four, she can go, remember that thing from the Foxtrot? I want you to do that again. Or it's a little bit like that. So then you get to the pas de doble, which is like this bizarre, almost historical reenactments kind of thing. And she's put me in positions and I'm like, are you sure you've got

this right? This does not feel like, first of all, it doesn't feel like a dance. It doesn't feel like anything that the body should naturally be in, in terms of any position. And that week, we have four days to learn the dance. Wednesday, she was still trying to persuade me that like the positions were right and what it was. It was so hard to get your head around

and you've got this threatening deadline of doing it on live TV in front of millions where there's no good edit, you know what I mean? It's just what it is, it is. And that first episode when we went on, there's a marquee there where you go and do your little practice run through before you go onto the dance floor.

We were like 13th out of 15 or something like that in the running order. So when it gets to about 11th, person who's on 11th, you go into the market, you run through your dance, then they call you, you walk through the car. It's like the green mile, right? It's like being called to your death sentence. She said like afterwards, I was a shade of gray that she'd like never seen. She'd go like, you all right, Chris? And like, there'd be like a satellite delay where it'd go to space and come down to me. And then I go, ah, like that. She was terrified. I was gonna like just freeze up. And like what I'm good at, and what we're all good at as performers is flicking switches in our heads. We can perform, you know what I mean?

Yeah. You're not always in the mood for comedy. You're not always in the mood for being funny, but you have to go into that mode. And so I'm used to flicking those switches. And so we were stood out there in the dance floor and you've got Al who's the floor manager. 30 seconds, the VT's playing. Everyone's watching the VT at home. You can hear it in the studio.

And she's coming over to me. You're sure you're okay. And this is the first show I'm like, just leave me alone. You're getting on my nerves. She went over to where I start and position. And then this is the comic of me. Right. I'm like, I'm terrified. Right. Absolutely shitting me pants. And I thought, I'm a comic. The one thing that makes me feel better is getting a laugh. So I'm stood there behind this microphone where I'm starting this dance pretending I'm at the Cavern Club and then Al goes, 10 seconds and I thought I'll get a laugh here. So I walked

away from the microphone, die shit herself, right? I walked away from the microphone and pretended to throw up in the corner to show the audience how much I was shitting myself and I got a big laugh off there when I walked back to the microphone, luckily found the microphone as he went, three, da da da. And I was like, I felt good there cause I had a laugh off the audience in the room

and the people that are home didn't have a clue, but you know what I mean? I'm a fickle bastard. That is such a comic instinct though. And I think I'd be exactly the same. It's like, right, I'm not entirely comfortable here and I'm about to perform. And the only thing I can sort of,

the only thing I know about performing is getting a laugh is a good thing. So if I do that first, then I can sort of do whatever I want. The bit that you were, in all the clips I saw of you, you were so natural and funny when you were chatting to Claudia Winkleman. Yeah. That's the bit that would terrify me about Strictly.

Cause all live TV talking, the pressure to be funny cause you're there as the comedian, Claudia Winkleman and you're just going, don't say piss or come on, fucking, I saw your head out. The dancing, I'd be going, I'm fine with being shit. Cause I'm not a dancer. So like all these people from Hollyoaks who do Strictly,

who basically would be doing tap in the womb. Of course they're going to be amazing. I'm just- But you know what? What we do is be us, you know what I mean? Like we've got it so much easier than the actors who are not used to being themselves on telly or, you know, we are comfortable being ourselves and all like my attitude with it was right is put a hundred percent into it. Right. I, the God's honest truth, I'd never, I didn't, I didn't, first time I had the theme tune was in the studio. Right?

So I'd never, so I'd never watched it. Obviously when I found out I was doing it, I thought, well, there's no point in me going back because I can't experience the dancing. I'm not even going to go back and listen to what the format is because if I'm going to go into this with nothing, I'm going to go into this with nothing. And I'm going to show everybody that I've got not. And that's going to be the story is I don't know what the hell's going on here.

I'm going to figure it out as I'm going along. And then first three episodes, I was saying the die on live TV, what's happening now, what we're doing now. Right. And, but I knew if I put a hundred percent into the dancing and people can see I'm putting the effort in, soon as that dance is over, if I think we've done all right, it's an entertainment show. Right. You can, you change gears and you start taking the piss. You can take the piss out of the show. You can take the piss out of Craig, take the piss out of myself, undercut the dancing.

Do you know what I mean? Every, because they know you've put everything into it and they appreciate that. You can't do that if they think you're being lazy or they think you're not taking it seriously. Yeah. Um, and so for me, that was the easy bit. And being funny on live TV isn't like it's easy to be funny pre-watershed because as you say, you just, you just know the line. It's harder to be funny on the last leg. Yeah.

Where it's you've got to be edgy. You've got to preach yourself. You've got to walk that line of being edgy enough for 11 o'clock at night. Because the boundary rope of shock is nearer than it would be if you were. It's why I never do like I've been offered to do that comedy unleashed show, like the free speech, say whatever you want comedy club in London. And I turn it down every time because I'm like, that is what every comedy club is. If you're good enough to do it.

Yeah. In your room, you're going to everyone, hey, they're going to be dead edgy. Yeah. So anything that isn't a fucking rape joke or something, they're just like, that's what they're there for. And I know exactly what you mean. And also, if we're really honest, like you're a comedian whose career is on the rise. And one of the motivating factors for doing something like strictly is you're hoping people like you as a comic

and a person and then come and see you on tour. And at the end of the day, they're not coming to see you fucking dance on tour. They're coming to see you be funny and take the piss and rip on it. So that's your window to showcase yourself, isn't it, is the interview at the end. And you go on to it like, and you could go,

well, if people come and watch me just because they've seen me on Strictly, will they like what I do? Well, show them what you do. Do you know what I mean? Like give them a window into that. And I feel like I put across enough of myself doing it that they know what they're getting if they come and see me. Um, and all you can do is be yourself, you know? And as I said, with

the last leg or something like that, you've got to, you've, you've got to be contentious. You've got to be edgy, but you've got to please yourself. And that's a lot harder than just not saying shit. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You were what? So my mom's a massive Strictly fan. So I would occasionally walk in and watch you, you, your dances. And the one that stuck out for me, obviously being a Liverpool fan is when you dance to you'll never walk alone. Yeah. Was that kind of one of the highlights for you? It was. Yeah. And it was, you know, talking about nerves, like I was, I would

say that, you know, in the top 10 scary things I've, I've done strictly as number one to 10, like I, I just, the fear every episode and it got better from that first episode. It got better. And it changed to somewhere more nerve wracking than others. We did that in episode five and I, the nerves were humongous for that because of the pressure and the weight of what it was and not wanting to do something that meant so much to a lot of people and, and do it rubbish. Do you know what I mean? Like do it, do a bad job or it be a bit of a disaster or be a bit comical or so I was

really nervous about that. And Diane, she had this idea that we'd do this waltz and then she'd break away from me and leave me there and I'd do this bit on my own. And then I'd walk through the middle of the floor and we'd meet again, like collide into this spin. And like, you know, on paper, oh, you'll never walk alone. You're going to walk on your own. I was like, do you think this is a bit on the nose? Do you know what I mean? Like, do you think this is a bit, a bit crass, a crass? And she was like, no, trust me, trust me. It's going to be great. And so we rehearsed it and while we were doing it, we were meeting and we kind of collided into this fast spin. And honestly, even rehearsing

it, I was well enough. I was like, the emotion was hitting me of the moment of that. And I was like, she's really good in she. And I just knew that it was emotional and it was more the collision together of the two of us spinning. And honestly, I was so proud of it. Like to do a good job. And we were like, we were getting messages. I was getting messages from United fans going, I can't believe you've made me cry to you'll never walk alone. You bastard, you know, and, and evertonians and, and, you know, I think it's a Liverpool song and we, I really went out my way to represent the city on it a little bit. You know, we did, we did the Beatles at the Cavern Club. You know, we did, you'll never walk alone and we represent the city with the Albert Doc in the setting and, and I will blue and I will red and, and, and, and then we did John Lennon for our couples choice. You know what I mean? And so it didn't bother with Zed cars though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely. I know you're probably sick of talking about your eyesight. Like, like, I know you're probably sick of talking about your eyesight. Like in interviews and stuff like this. But obviously a lot of our listeners, this might be an introduction to you. Like I know, I know from working with you and seeing the bits that you used to, I don't know whether it's still in your act now or like in the tour you're doing at the minute. But I remember you talking about being a web designer and like it was such a great bit about like, your eyesight got worse, the websites got uglier.

So you had to stop designing websites. But I'm under the impression that your mom and your grandmother had the same condition. And this sort of got gradually worse throughout your life. And I suppose I wanna know about that. But also my question is, if you know that's coming, why do you get into web designing in the first place? You know right so yeah really bad forward thinking. It wasn't just me actual eyesight it was me foresight.

It was all kinds of sight. So like it's hereditary, it's genetic, with a lot of, so like with a lot of genetic stuff, there's different types and there's dominant recessive. So if you think of something like cystic fibrosis, it's recessive, which means that you can carry the gene, but not have cystic fibrosis. And you can pass it on to your child and then they can have cystic fibrosis and it'd be a surprise to you because you didn't know you were a carrier. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and there's dominance where if you've got the gene, you've got the symptoms and there's a 50% chance you pass it on. That's what mine is. So, me nan had it, 50% chance, two of her kids, three of her kids had it out of five. And then me mum had it, 50% chance she passed it on. Both of her kids have got of her kids had it out of five. And then my mom had it, 50% chance

she passed it on. Both of her kids have got it, me and my sister. And then, and then my daughter hasn't got it. And so now she hasn't got it. She can't pass it on. That's how it works. So all right, it's kind of dead in that line. And so I had it since birth and it deteriorated just really gradually. And probably till I was about, you know, like teens, early 20s, everything starts to go at different times really. And and yet I got into maths and computers purely because I was never a school person. Like I was never academic beyond things I was interested in.

I was a geek. I like computers, you know? Yeah. And I didn't have time for the attention for the things I wasn't interested in. So I just got funneled into the things I had an aptitude for rather than thinking, what am I going to do with this? And then towards the late 90s, I graduated with a degree and everything was becoming, as you know, web design and stuff, it was a lot more about drag and drop,

making things look pretty and programming. I was just getting, I was becoming quite slow at it. And blind people can program, you can have Braille displays. I don't read Braille, I don't read any of that. So trying to learn how to be blind whilst learning how to- That's the most dismissive I've ever heard of blind person being very, I don't read any of that shit.

That was so scary. None of that shit for me. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah. But I just found I was in something that I wasn't that good at anymore because of my eyesight and so I just got out of it. I just thought, well, you know, I'll find something else to do. And did you go straight into stand up at that point? No, no.

I was unemployed for a while. I was spending too much time at the pub applying for jobs, not getting them. I'd like to say because of my eyesight, but you know, I did only have a two two as well. So, you know, it wasn't like I was like selling the first thing, the first day to get jobs. I was unemployed for a while. I applied for loads of mad shit. I am. And I've talked about it on loads of stuff. I applied to be a spy for MI5. I'm not kidding. That's fucking undercover. That makes them say, what do you mean?

So I, MI5 they have a graduate scheme, right? But it is for a spy to be a spy and they recruit, recruit, recruit graduates. And I applied just as a laugh because I wasn't getting anything in computers. And I just, I did it for a joke, just to see what it was. There was 3000 applicants and I got down to 30. I was down to the last 1% of potential, like potential spies before they were like, what the fuck are we doing? I mean, he can't even play I spy with that my little eye. Yeah, so that was, and you know what, like, so it's mad that like, it's amazing how like

things stick in your memory, because people have said like, when was this? And I was like, you know, it was either that year or that year. And I was like, well, hang on, because I remember the full day assessment that I went to and I had to like pretend to be a spy and recruit, I had to like get the surveillance team, procure the surveillance team for a job to like keep tracks on this fella and all that. And I remember that day because I went home, I was really excited.

Liverpool were playing by Leberkusen in the Champions League and we got battered. So I remember that day. So all I had to Google was Liverpool versus by labor cruising and it was like 2002. So, so what I learned about MI5 recently is that the pay is shite. They pay you about 30 grand a year to be a spy. Yeah. In my head, it's like, I don't know, 100 grand, 200 grand a year. Any job that you have to want to do because you have a soul is shit pay. That's why bankers pay so much because you don't, you don't, nobody's in that for the love of the banking.

You're just in that for the money. That's nurses. They get like to be nourished and that's why fuck you. You don't know. You also get a pen that's a grenade and Aston Martin and like loads of fit women. Yeah, that is part of it, isn't it? Yeah. All right. Okay. Yeah. You get, you get supplemented with loads of cool stuff. I think you've seen James Bond. Carling taught us a documentary there. That's what you've done there. Isn't it? Chris. So one of the things, uh, the lad who does our research has found out, and I don't know whether you've spoken about this on like another interview or something,

is that you used to, I'm interested in this because this is very up mine and Carl's street. You used to prank call people to say they'd won a Radio City competition and tell them to turn up at the station and collect their prize. Oh, we did, mate, yeah. Was this like for a job or just for a laugh? No, we did, mate. Yeah. Yeah. Was this like a job or just for a laugh? No, just for a laugh. What are you talking about? I don't know, MI ships. So

people with no soul. Radio city tour, top of the tower, go and collect your prize. Yeah, no, we used to do, we used to pick phone numbers out the phone book. Oh, yes. We play the, we play music in the background, we fade it down, as it came on and we put the voice on, you know, and we'd like, oh, we're just, it's the, it's the top three challenge. If you can tell us what, one of the songs that's in the top three of the charts, you can win £200 or whatever. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. And they'd be asking people in the room, it's Radio City, they want to know what's in the charts, I mean they want to know. And if they got it right, we'd tell them to turn up and collect their prize and we'd give them like a little code word. And this was just you sat in your house having a laugh. That was me and my mate Neil. Yeah, so me and my mate Neil, like we, we, he's still like me, my best mate today. He lives down in Am Hampshire these days. We went down to Kingston uni together, which just shows how much we went down there on

the jolly really, because we, you know, we both just decided to just, we just go there together. And yeah, so I've known him since I was about three, just from, you know, the streets of West Derby. And, and yeah, we just used to do that together. Yeah. What age are we talking? Oh God, it must have been kind of 15, 14, 15.

Younger than us. We were doing that into our 20s, Chris. Oh yeah. I've got to tell you, we've spoke about this a million times on the podcast, but there'll be so many new listeners to this episode anyway. So I've got to tell you this, because the reason I love that piece of information

more than anything else, me and Carl over there, best mates in school, both West Derby, Cardinal Enan, and we used to just, we'd pick random phone numbers out the phone book and we'd ring them, try and keep them on the phone. My favorite one, which we've said a million times before, is we called this woman and we were just like making noises and being dicks on the phone. Right. And this

woman goes, this was fucking class. Like she goes, she goes, can you stop doing this? Please? I'm waiting on a really important phone call today. And we went to from, and she said Harvey's furniture store. Oh, she deserves 10 Mississippi, Ranga back and told them that we accidentally set all of it order on fire, but because it had officially been dispatched from the store, she technically had it delivered and it was her responsibility. So she just kept asking us to pass it on to pass me on to a manager. And I just passed the phone to Carl for as long as he deal with it. And then she'd like, I want to speak to your boss and he'd give it back to me. She was like, I want to speak to Harvey.

Harvey on the phone. And I think maybe our absolute holy grail of this is, do you remember when Les Dennis did Strictly? I don't know if you ever heard about this, but Les did Strictly and an internet rumor came back out from years ago because he was back in the limelight. The rumor was that Les Dennis was actually secretly a horse wearing a human costume. Right. Never heard this in real life.

This was on the news. It was on like BBC. No, it wasn't. It was. Chris, I swear to God. And this was me and Carl from when we were teenagers. We would ring Les Dennis' agents and try and book them for various personal appearances where he had to appear as a horse.

We were getting, like I was going on stage at gigs going, Hey, I'm trying to get this rumor going. And people would tweet him and be like, Les, we know you're a horse. And it was completely dormant and just a non-existent thing apart from between me and him until Les went on strictly. And then it was lit. It was on radio one. It's in the standard. It says Dennis says native rumors. He is secretly a whore. Ironically, the only paper it was and it was the racing post. Oh yeah. I'd tell you what though, right? Cause let's do this one on strictly. Did he go out first or something like that? It was really early. I mean, I'd like there's a fellow who I don't you what though, right, because Les Dennis went on Strictly. Did he go out first or something like that? He was out real early on.

I mean, there's a fella who I don't, I mean, Les Dennis is great, yeah, but I believe he already had his panto booked in anyway, so I don't know. I don't know how seriously he's planning on taking it. Yeah, yeah, if you get kicked out in week one, it's the same money as if you're into the end, isn't it? If he'd have lasted till week six or something, I think he might have pulled a hamstring conveniently. I've got to be the donkey in Shrek for Christmas. Let's have a little break and then we will come back and we will do some correspondence from our listeners. But what a wonderful first half. Okay, final section of the show. Before we crack on with some features. I'm in section of the show before we crack on with some features.

I'm in control of the buttons. You're in control of the buttons you are. And I've got your voice in my mind. I've got my headphones on. I'm quite excited about the responsibility. I'm excited for you actually. You're one of the better buttons. They make various sounds. They make sounds but me and you can't hear it Chris because neither of us have got headphones on. The rest of them have. It's a little treat for the listeners. I've just put my headphones on. I haven't had them for the last section. It makes it better doesn't it? It does make it better but it makes me more, I don't know, I can't tell if it makes me more or less self-conscious about what I'm saying. But also I am the voice of one of the pre-recorded little jingles. So I think you're about three of them. Oh, three. Yeah. Your room. One oh two now as well. And my room. Well, I can't see that on my little pad. If you can see smooth, I can see press smooth. That's smooth. So I've just heard myself.

Before we crack on, we have some things to tell you about. First of all, our esteemed guest today, Chris McCausland. First of all, you esteemed guest today, Chris McCausland. First of all, you've recently launched a podcast called Winning Is and Everything, which is you and your dance partner, Diane. Yeah, it's just us catching up really. We got on really so well and we used to do a lot of social media through, you know, I've never been a social media guy, you know, she has been really into social media and she got me kind of roped into it and we did a lot on there

and it just kind of, people loved it you know and she was able to get the dancers out of me and she's so funny I felt like I was kind of able to allow her to show more of herself you know what I mean that then she otherwise is able to. That's lovely. We thought we'd look up every week and have a little catch up, talk some nonsense. At least for the first few episodes, relive the past glory. Please go and check that out. It's Winning is an Evidence, Chris and Dai. And on top of the podcast, you now have both your travel show and a full stand-up special on Netflix? Yeah, so it's from the last tour, it's called Chris McCaulston Live, that's gone on Netflix earlier this month and we're recording this on the Friday and the travel show's just gone

up to date to be honest. Where have you gone? Do you know, so it's, I did Jordan, I did Rome, I did Greece, I did Niagara Falls. I did Niagara Falls with Lisa Tarbuck and Harry Hill went to Greece. Tom Allen, Rome, Gus Kahn, Jordan. And it's basically going to places that are visually stunning.

I go with somebody else who's got to persuade me that it was worth me getting off my ass to go there. Because like, if you're gonna just describe it, you might as well sit on the couch and tell me describe a photo. So this one of my favorite jokes ever by you and I can't remember it I'm gonna butcher it. It was something to do with the cinema and you said if I wanted to sit in here loud noise oh yeah stay at home and put cuddly in the microphone.

Marvel Marvel go to watch a Marvel film as well as all just wallops and bangs and crashes and explosions. I might as well have stayed at home and put the knives and forks in the microwave. So, like that's from like a while ago when I stayed with me. That's such a good job. That sounds great, Chris.

I quite fancy the idea of doing a travel show, but I think all comedians should go with Ramesh's mum. We should all go with her mum. We should all, yeah. See what our rapport with her is like. We should all make an agreement as comedians, as a collective, to ensure that Ramesh's mum ends up with more telly than he does.

And I say that, I sat here wearing me Ramesh hoodie that he sent me. Ain't that good, Hodi's them. It's a lovely hoodie. Do you know what? I got these things saying, can I send you this hoodie for a calm campaign against living miserably, like, you know, suicide prevention and wear it to with some social stuff. Yeah, brilliant, brilliant. Of course, send it out. He sent it out.

I was like, bloody hell, this is a nice hoodie, this. You're lucky Dan had to pay for one. Oh, you're Dan? Oh, there you go. Dan's got the same hoodie. He sent me one out and I got it. I was like, bloody hell, this is good quality hoodie this. Winning isn't everything, but it is a fucking free hoodie. Yeah.

Are we ready to give some advice to the listeners? I feel like we are ready for some advice. Alfie, could you press the advice jingle button? Yes, there we go. Oh, nice. Well, so it's a bit of a length one, Alfie, so we're going to want you to do there is. I've just realised as well, I'm going to interrupt your podcast here

and take control for a minute, right? Didn't tell you what the fucking travel show was called. No. So I'm going to rein you guys back in and tell you it's called Wonders of the World I Can't See. And then Channel 4 name that because they like things to do what it says on the tin. Right? It's basically Wonders of the World and I Can't See. It's the Ron Seale Quickdryin Woodstain of travel show titles. So you can find that on Netflix. Anyway boys. of travel show titles. Yes. So you can find that on Netflix. Anyway, boys, as you were.

I read the first site, The News. They're always doing that. I've got a question about that. Without spoilers, Chris, what was your favourite wonder of the world? Niagara Falls. Yeah? Yeah, because it was the only one that made a noise.

Everything else was just stood in front of a wall or a building. Yeah. Taj Mahal, you're going, I bet that's massive. We went to Taj Mahal, it's just fine. It's half shite. Like genuinely, it's fine. I liked it. Yeah. I liked it.

You liked it. Yeah. But he's fucking Turkish and he's fucking easily impressed. I'm not quite sure you've got your geography down there, Adam. I think that might be. I'm not sure how closely've got your geography down there, Adam. I think that might be... I'm not sure how closely... Wow! I'll tell you what though, if you go to Niagara Falls,

Niagara Falls is like the opposite of the others. Like, sometimes you go to a wonder of a world, like the Petra thing or whatever, and you stand with your back to it, and everything outside of it is just like cultural and wonderful. And the whole thing around the Wonder, the Wonder might not necessarily be the main thing. It's everything around it that is the culture

that you enjoy. Whereas Niagara Falls, you put your back to Niagara Falls, it's like Blackpool in the eighties. It's like they've got one of them old fun house things that you go through and it's so tack so tacky you know and you've got this incredible break to see you Chris I don't know when you last went to black pill apart from for the black pill episode of strictly but black pill in the 80s is black pill now like they've done I like so we were all to it mate we were we were there doing obviously the black pill special for

strictly or the black pill lights were out and we were out and then one of the guys was just telling me some of the lights because they go through the decades you got suti and we were out. And then one of the guys was just telling me some of the lights, because they go through the decades. You got SOTY and sweep and all that stuff, right? And there was one of them, obviously from the 30s and the 40s, and it just said, use soap, right? And you wonder how many Southerners come up and see them and go, God, do they still need telling that? I mean, I knew, I knew it was dirty up north.

Right, advice. Let's give some advice. This is from an anonymous lady. Wag wag boys need some advice. My eldest child is now six and is starting to bring his friends around to ours after school. My problem is that whilst most of the kids are lovely, there's one lad who may as well be the spawn of Satan. He's drawn on our walls, screams the house down while he's here.

He torments the cat and he's also fussy as fuck when it comes to food. He's my son's best mate, but I think he's a little shit. And when I've jokingly tried to broach it with his parents, they call him a little monkey and are big into gentle parenting. How do I get this little demon child to stop coming to my house

without ruining my son's friendship? Move house. Just pack the family up, find another city. Get a new job. How much like, Bolshe autonomy does this six-year-old have that he's just bringing home mates without your say? He's like, bringing home mates. All right, Mum, this is Andy.

He's going to stay for tea, so put a couple of extra fish fingers on, would you? Cheers, love. Anyway, we're going upstairs to play make-believe for a bit. I'll catch you later anyway. Sounds like our own son might be the problem here, aren't they? Oi, mum, listen. This is what's happening. Get the dinner on.

Uh... How old's your kid, Chris? Eleven. Eleven. And how old's your oldest? My oldest is ten. OK. So have you not had any of these problems yet? No, just, you know what? Like, this is the difference. Like, when I grew up here in West Derby, you know, in the 80s and that,

just out in the street all day, you know, and you had so much autonomy and independence as a child to go and make your own groups of friends and do what you want to do. And now, like, especially where I live, you know, kids, their whole social life is facilitated by your parents. You know what I mean? So the kids don't play on the street where I live. You organize, oh, she's going to come to your house. You're going to come to our house.

And you know, that's what life is now. And it's sad in a way that they don't have that level of independence and autonomy that we had as kids. It is. I mean, I'm quite lucky because we live in a block of flats and there's a garden. The flat has a little garden bit that's sort of enclosed by the flats. So they can go and play there and I don't have to be there. And my kid went down to play football the other day and I went, I'll go and play with him and his mate and that'll be a nice thing for me to do.

And I got there and the other kid's dad was playing with them. And I just turned on my heel and went straight back. I'm not making friends with a fucking dad. I'm just being... I don't need any more... You've got your happy... I went straight back upstairs and Jesse went, that was quick, where's Donny?

I'm not making friends with a dad. I'm not, absolutely no way. No, honestly, any free time we have, I'd like to just sit in the room on my own in the quiet. That's all I want. I don't need, I don't need extra people. Yeah. Your best mate is called Carl and he is sat to your right. Oh, yeah. Chris going home and being on my own. I like people there too also, but like being on my own at home, I don't think it gets better than that. Yeah. You get to an age, you just go, I don't need it. I don't need new friends. You know

what I mean? It's there's enough. What, what, what are you getting up to when you're on your own Chris? So like, well, I mean my, my three main things, I suppose, uh, you know, the football, um, you know, I, I like a bit of audible and music and I'm one of the reason knowing people that buys everything on vinyl. So I started buying vinyls. Yeah. And I just like the active experience

of putting an album on, holding it, putting it on, and listening to it as intended. I've got streaming. I've got Apple Music. But it's kind of disposable, isn't it? And it's passive. It's all in the background. Whereas I just like music taking up space.

My wife hates it taking up space. It takes up too much space. I'm exactly the same. Books and vinyls, exactly the same. So I buy new stuff, but I've got loads of... So I've got a huge collection of original pressings of original, like, mint copies like comedy albums from the sixties and the seventies and the eighties. And what I like about it is this is the one that was in the shops. This actual album I've got in my hands was the one that went in the shops in 1967. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And comedy on vinyl for me is warm and it's

lovely and I guess so. And I've heard you talking with Dan about how, you know, you guys are comedy fans, not just comedians. I'm a comedy fan, you know what I mean? I got into comedy because I love comedy and I still love comedy. I've got a vinyl of the standup that, we used to have them on the backdrop here, but we changed it a little while ago.

I've got a vinyl of the standup that Lenny Bruce got arrested for. Yeah. And it's it's an original was on the shop floor when it went out. Yeah. I love it. It's so cool. I've got one of his that he sold out the back of his car with his home address written on the back in byro. And I just love all it's like having a piece of history in your hand. Yeah. You know, and on that note as well, like, because I remember when I was a kid, you used to get the commemorative albums of like the Cup final and stuff like that. And I've been back and I've got all the Liverpool ones from the European Cups and things like that.

And I just like having like the thing that was like that's as old as the event itself. So hang on, they put on an album all the commentary from the match. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like the radio commentary will be edited down into a feature. That's so cool. So like I've got like the 1977 European Cup final on vinyl. I think you've just given Alfie a new obsession, by the way. Oh. Listener, my birthday is April the 10th.

But you know what, like with vinyl, it's the hunt, isn't it? It's like finding, especially with old stuff, finding the good the good quality, because you can buy shite, there's loads of shite, you can get shite for a pound, but it's finding the one that looks like almost as if it's only just been put on the shelf. And how the hell did we get from a six year old with a fucking behavior problems or this? What's the one you, what's your most treasured record? Do you know what, like it's, it's like some of the old stuff you'd go, you go, well, like this is old, you know, this is nice that it's old, but there was so many of them made that they're not that rare. Do you know what I mean? You can just have a nice copy of something

that there was hundreds of thousands of them made. It's vinyl that came out in the kind of dark period of vinyl that, you know, I've got some stand-up that there was like, you know, just 500 copies made of, you know, and some stuff on Sub Pop that was made in like 2002. That like, you know, there's probably not many of them floating around the place and it's things like that. One of my last specials, I looked into getting vinyl of that and I was going to do literally 500 of them and Yeah. No more and I never got around to doing it. It's very expensive to make as well. So you'd have to charge quite a lot for them to make any sort of money on it.

And I really wanted to do it. I'm kind of gus there never actually. I might look. I've got Fatorio's latest show on vinyl. Yeah. Which I haven't listened to it yet but it's, I'll have it for ever. Yeah, I've got Fatorio's latest show on vinyl. I haven't listened to it yet but I'll have it for ever. Yeah I've got it up. It's next to a George Carlin class clown. Me Comfort Blanket is probably, musically, is probably Nirvana Unplugged. That's probably the one. Really yeah? Yeah, it distresses me the most. You're into the grungy gothy

stuff? I grew up on everything Seattle and grunge and the crazy house down the road was my hangout for years. Was it? Yeah. Yeah. We used to go to the crazy house. Oh, all the time. Two for one every weekend on the drinks. And I went there before, you know, I went there when, so you get, this is before alcohol pops existed. And so the closest we had was Mad Dog 2020, which was like flavored nail varnish.

Right? It came, so you used to get this Mad Dog 2020. It came in a bottle that was like a hip flask, right? And it was, it was horrible. Before they learned to put the pop in Alcopop, right? And then we used to do these things because it was two for one every weekend in the crazy house.

And we'd make these things called Blastoise, which was a bottle of Castaway and a bottle of Diamond White. And it created like this tropical, almost like an alcoholic Lilt. Yeah, so it was a bit of a lot of messy times there. Chris, is it true that you used to get into clubs when you were 16 with cardboard passports? So before 9-11, right?

You're gonna have to link these fast. Before you were on a watch list. You used to be able to get a temporary passport from the post office and it was like a three-way folded passport that would last like 12 months. I had one of them because I went on a school trip, I can't remember whether that was the exact thing I went on, but I had one of these passports and it had me down as 1977 on it and I'd been on the trip, I'd done the thing I got it for, I wasn't going away anywhere. And I remember my dad's getting like a little safety pin and scratching off the top of the seven and getting a pen that looked the same and drawing a loop on the bottom so it said

76. And just buy me an earlier year in the in the pubs without any grief. Can I ask you one question, Chris? Because you mentioned that one of your big hobbies is the footy. You're a big Liverpool fan. Yeah. Can you tell me what the experience of being a football fan is? And being you know, blind? Like, how is how is that? Well, I didn't miss much in the nineties. When he really started to affect me in the round about a brief moment in 2001 and then

2005. Yeah. So it like at home, I listened on the radio, mainly that's my go to a thing. I listened to a lot of stay on to the bias commentary, you know, with all those screaming on the L, mainly that's my go-to thing. I listen to a lot of St. Hunter on the bias commentary, you know, with Aldo screaming on the LFC commentary. I like that. And the problem is, is that the tele commentary doesn't tell you anything.

And it's a shame because football is social, you know what I mean? Yeah. And so if you're watching it with your mates, we either watch it on the tele and I don't know what's going on, or the only other way is like, if you remember on with my daughter, I can't really sit there're watching it with your mates, we either watch it on the telly and I don't know what's going on, or the only other way is like, if you remember on with my daughter,

I can't really sit there and watch it with her because it's the telly and I don't know what's going on, or it's the radio and she can't follow it. She doesn't know what's happening. So it's very kind of, it feels quite solitary in a way that you can't share that socially, the way that I used to when I could see it. Cause even back in the day, like back in the eighties,

everybody, like so many people would just turn the volume down on the telly when it was on the telly, put the radio on because people preferred the radio commentary. And then everyone, everything went digital and everything's out of whack. People don't do it anymore because the commentary is never lined up with the, with the broadcast. So it is a thing that people do love the radio commentary more than the telly. But yeah, for me, that's how I get it. And if you go to game, you can get that little headset from them with them,

with that commentary I'm talking about, the LFC commentary, and you can listen to it in the ground while you're watching the game. But the only problem with it is, is that whenever anything exciting happens, everything gets so loud, you can't hear it. So you can only hear the shit bits. Oh, you get incredible commentary of every throw in. Do you know about a year ago, I sort of became aware of what you're talking about. Like I was in the car.

I think I was driving to a gig or whatever. And I had us on, on the radio in the car and literally was like, oh, this is so much more descriptive of a game of football than like, when you're watching the TV and they're just like, oh, well, everyone can see what's going on. We don't really have to describe it. We just have to literally comment on it.

Whereas the radio one is, it's a lot more than commentary, isn't it? It's so descriptive. Because their words, the action is faster than the words that they're saying, that they have to tell you the story of what's happened in the tone of what they're saying. So, he shoots! Yeah.

And then he's missed is just in the, ooh! I always remember listening to, I think it was Liverpool City when Salah like sat three of them down on their ass. Like he goes, Salah, he's weaved one way, he's weaved the other way, oh he's far, I haven't got the words for this. I was like, what the fuck? Could you give it a go?

I was like, what the fuck are you making of this? I don't even know how to describe this! LAUGHS Oh yeah, it's phenomenal. But you know what? There's things that just work brilliantly on the radio. Boxing, oh God, it's amazing on the radio. I listened to Joshua Dubois on the radio on the way back from somewhere. The boxing is phenomenal on the radio. Wonderful. The darts over Christmas, absolutely brilliant on the radio. Like you can just follow every throw. It's the way they bring the darts to life.

You think, and this is, so this is on Talk Sports, right? The darts and they're there because you'd think, how the hell does that work, right? Even their advertisement, when they say they go, darts on the radio, it works. We did this thing for when the Ashes were in Australia. And we go, it works. LAUGHTER We did this thing for when the Ashes were in Australia. So there was a little group of comedians who all liked the cricket. So we all met up around, like, 11.30

and we were going to do, like, all night or as long as we could. But because the BT Sport commentary was mildly interminable and we loved TMS so much, The BBC cricket, it's so... I mean, because they've got the time to sort of have a chat and basically podcast before podcasting was a thing. You get these old blokes saying, I know, first butterfly of the afternoon. It's just...

Oh, fantastic. That's good to hear. I love that. This is detail that's really coloring everything for me. So what we did was we got digital radio, like the BBC on the digital and their TV. We'd both had pause on both, aligned them perfectly so that they were in time with each other and listen and managed to sync up BBC TMS to BT Sport.

So if you've got the time. I would say this is the problem with cricket is when a butterfly is the most exciting thing of the game. Imagine Jordan, a Premier League game of football. They mentioned a butterfly. Oh my God. It's a fucking butterfly. I did say that in springtimetime butterflies would fly past the camera. So our advice for this six-year-old that's ruining everyone's life. That was 20 minutes ago, fuck that guy. Turn the radio on. Well we've got a football related have a word if we want to do that.

I'd say move house, get a new job, find somewhere else to live or, or just tell your son that his best mates been stealing his favorite toys. You know what? That's a good one. Use your superior brain to turn your child against his friend or just say no. There you go. Just say no. Pull the little kid in who's, who's the nightmare. You isolate them from the group and you just say the most horrific shit to it. You're just like, listen, you, you little fat cunt. Yeah. No wonder you're a fat cunt. Your mom's a fat cunt and your dad's a fat cunt and you'd all stink of shit. Anyway, go and play. Then later that day, their parents are going to

break in a turn. If you are, I suppose if you are going to bring... This podcast is taking a turn, isn't it? If you are, I suppose, if you are going to, in your question, have a go at gentle parenting, it might be worth having a go at violent parenting, to... But then they will then go to their parents and be like, hey, do you know, John's mum called me a fat cunt, called you a fat cunt and called me dad a fat cunt. They're then going to ring you and be like, did you call my son a fat cunt? And you just deny it. And then you tell your son he can't play with him anymore because he's a lying fat cunt. Don't say the fuck because that will trip you up. And if you beep out all of the cunts in that it's most code for just fucking be a parent and an adult. LAUGHTER Right, let's do a have a word to round us off.

Oh, nice. It's quite quiet this week. Time to have a word Dance on it, it's fine. Oh, you go on. Oh! I love to have a word, it's a time to have a word! Oh, that was to have a word is the time to have a word. Well, it's lovely.

Beautiful. This is from Joe Bryant. Wag wag lids have a word with my mate Oliver. I've been a Wrexham season ticket holder for years. And since the Hollywood success has come about, Oliver has been saying he wanted to come to a game. Eventually I brought him along. He turned up in a Wales rugby top with Wrexham scarf.

And throughout the game kept shouting shape and moaning at the referee and linesman. People around us were getting visibly pissed off. At the end of the game, I asked him, what does shape mean? And he goes, I don't know. It's just what people say. Have a word with him. Have a word with him, lads, for embarrassing me in front of all the people I sit with at the games.

In nursery. Shape. Wow. I didn't think there'd be anything more kind of annoying to shout from the crowd than shoot. You know what I mean? At least shoot's a thing you do. Every time Joe Gomez gets the ball, shoot. Look, he's trying to get involved though, isn't he? I think we'll have a bank holiday in Liverpool

if Joe Gomez scores, by the way. I will. Whether it's like by the way. I will. Whether it's like official and legal, I will. I'll be there. We'll go into Barclays together and go, everybody, fuck off, you've scored. LAUGHTER National Day of Celebration.

I reckon if they put me in the team, I'd score before him. LAUGHTER Just a... Citywide, everything outside the perimeter of the city, inside it rather, it's shut down if he scores. I like that a lot. You fucking grow up, take the rough with the smooth. You can't have all of the money plunged into your club without fair weather fans getting involved and being interested. It's the deal with the devil that you do. You get without fair weather fans getting involved and being interested. You it's the deal with the devil that you do. You get the fair weather fans involved and they do they they come to the ground.

If you want to be the sort of football fan. I mean, obviously, maybe you could have a word. OK, I'll have a word to him. Don't say shape. It's really irritating and it's sort of nondescript. Also, it's an instruction for a group of people. It's hard to follow. It's just I'm not sure it's sort of nondescript. Also, it's an instruction for a group of people. It's hard to follow. I'm not sure it's helping.

And also the great thing about Rexon with all the money they've got. You might as well be shouting, line up. Line up. Formation. Also, they've got loads of money now so that what they've done is they've employed a manager. He'll do that.

So you don't have to worry about it. Isn't it interesting, by the way, that what's happening at Wrexham is basically what has happened at Man City? And because it's Man City, and obviously there's ties to a nation rather than two famous people, but the injection of a lot more money than the rest of the league can possibly compete with

is what Man City did and what they're accused of being, like, ruining football with. But it's seen as, like, romantic and nice at Wrexham. I think there's a lot of differences, though, isn't there? One's Deadpool. LAUGHTER And one's a nation state. And I think... I'm just, like...

One's guilty of violating 14 hundred and forty three bloody financial regulations ones Deadpool Rich owners have always been a thing there's always been like there's a you know Billy bollocks who used to own blackburn whatever his name was Blackburn whatever his name was. It's a bad name for a long time. Billy Bullocks. Billy Bullocks. Blackburn. He had so much money he changed his name to Billy Bullocks because fuck it I can. But it's when nation states own football clubs I go no they shouldn't. They shouldn't. Also the non-threatening the Wrexham they're down there doing their thing. They're going to be in the championship next year. A lot of the so obviously I've I've, I've not, I can't say I'm a Wrexham fan, but then like my local team that are doing all right. So I follow all their social media stuff and I think league, fan league one fans

are pissed off with them. Yeah. I think it's cause we're all pretty weak fans. Yeah. We're in that bubble. I think people are annoyed at Wrexham fans, but I think the jealous as well. Oh yeah. What club wouldn't want, but there's no, the thing is though, is there's no hypocrisy in it. Like they are putting, I think they're, they're running it as a company. You know what I mean? They run it as a company with profit and loss and they've, you know, I'd imagine satisfying all of the regulations that they need to satisfy to do it. There's no hypocrisy there. You look at something like an oil state that's owning a club. And there's just the hypocrisy of, you know, the human rights situation in the country

that owns the club and the message that the players in the club send out. Oh, you've got your rainbow laces on, have you? That's nice, isn't it? Why don't you tell your gay friends to go on holiday to the country that owns your club and see how they get on, you've got your rainbow laces on, have you? That's nice, isn't it? Why don't you tell your gay friends to go on holiday to the country that owns your club and see how they get on, you know? So it's... And the other one's Deadpool. So... The thing is, part of, like, Wrexham's modus was to go,

yeah, we love you, Wrexham, we do. And Ryan Reynolds is really good, by the way. Like, they're not trying to push that message. If they trying to go by the way it's always sunny is great it is it's and i'm sure it ryan reynolds was beating up gays in his own time whilst the club was promoting equal opportunities and inclusivity then you'd go hang on a minute. This is your own as a dick unless they were villains in the new Deadpool gay villains, yeah Are they? Most villains are camp aren't they most villains are camp

Are they villains who are gay or are they gay? Are they villains because they're gay? Choose your poison car Can I ask a question to our resident Welshman? Yes What why why what's wrong with going in a a Wales top and a Wrexham scarf? I don't think that... I think that one's nitpicking there. OK, cool. It's like turning up to the carpet in England, isn't it? But I think Wrexham probably have a more favourable view of what it is to be Welsh than the Scouse have a view of what it is to be English.

It's like going to an Arsenal game in an England shirt. I'd rather turn up in a bloody Everton top than an England top at a Liverpool game. Yeah, I think I would as well. Yeah, me too. I'd just like to say big fan of Wrexham and their fans and please keep booking me for your fan zone. Thank you.

At least if you turn up in Everton. Oh, I see what's going on. Big Wrexham. Oh, he's in the pocket of Big Reynolds, mate. No, just, just no. Are you going to wear that Liverpool top when you go there? Definitely not. I borrowed my friend's Wrexham top.

Ah, you absolute sellout. Yeah, if they pay me well enough, it's fine. Yeah, he's right there. Yeah, fair play. Well, there's a gig for you in the UAE if you want to do it. The money's right. I'd say to your fellow, don't take him again. You've done it once, you didn't enjoy it.

He's learnt his lesson. He doesn't get invited again. That is good. Or, you know, just say to him, lad, look, like it's actually on you if you know he's not a football fan and he doesn't know the customs of it and he doesn't know the ways of the fucking world.

It's on you to go, lad, you don't want to wear the fucking Wales top to the game. Either wear the Wrexham one or wear sort of neutral with your scarf. You'd get away with it. Also, don't just be shouting random instructions that you think you've heard in an episode of Ted Lasso. Let's just fucking, like if you want to shout something, whenever we don't get a decision, call the referee at Bellend.

Everyone else will be, if you just do that, everyone will be like fucking Helly Noses stuff. Also, I would say just go, go oh how about first 15 games you watch just take in all the information. Those can be a learning exercise and then you can hear what everybody else is saying and if you feel comfortable and like intelligent enough at the end of those 15 games try and have a little shape. Yeah I took Celica to her first game this year against Doncaster in the League Cup. Did that feel like a safe one?

Oh yeah, just safe. Obviously away fans, especially lower league fans, they bring the noise, like it's a party to them. Yeah, yeah. I'm not trying to belittle them, but to die out isn't it? Carl's inevitable. I'm an evidence fan. Sorry to hear that. I genuinely need that. So they were singing all game.

And when we win, when we win the league and the champions league this year, I hope the pride goes past your new ground. I won't be in this continent. So they're singing all game and she's like, they're having so much more fun than you. I'm like, yeah, that's kind of how it works is where the home team we're meant to win, blah, blah, blah. And then she starts like quietly singing along with like, we love you, whatever. I'm like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, they're having a great time. You're not. She's like, it's catchy. I don't know. They're the fun ones. I want to go and sit with them. I was like, oh, you don't understand what it means to be an Everton fan. You don't.

We're really silent misery. Who was you playing? We're winning two against Doncaster. This is how shit ever and are that she goes along and she thinks I'd rather be a Doncaster. I think I would be as well. Oh, my goodness. Adam's right, though, you know,'s just like the referee. Every game of

football is different. Sometimes there's goals, sometimes there's no goals, sometimes there's sending off, sometimes there's not. The only consistent in every single game is the referee will be a bellend. Every time you don't get a decision, it's the referee's fault. And David Coote's come out, so he's a gay villain. He is a gay villain. There you go. Yeah. I seen someone quote tweet that with the scene from The Inbetweeners. Like, he was like, look, you know, I made some really bad comments and all,

but I am gay. It's Will from The Inbetweeners going, oh, obviously that's really difficult and awful. And yeah. It's not really relevant though, is it? It's not. A lot of people have come out as gay in, you know, things that have had to do with accusations to do with like sex and power and do you know what I mean? Like,

whether it's Kevin Spacey or Philip Schofield or whatever, there is a line of connection, isn't there? Whereas he just seems to be like, I'm gay by the way. It's like, well good for you, fair play. But you know, I've never heard that, you know, being gay leads to, you know, financial corruption. Yeah. I've got loads of gay mates. I've never heard that connection before. That's a fact. Yeah. Yeah. As far as I know anyway. That brings us to the end of this week's episode. Chris McCausland, thank you so much for being in here. Oh, cheers for having us. Cheers for inviting me into the Empire. When's the special out?

The special's already out. And sorry, when's the Channel 4 thing out? Today? I can't see it. Today? By the time this episode goes out. It's all on Netflix. Thanks for listening, by the way Alfie, thanks for listening. I wasn't wearing the headphones back then.

The travel show is called Wonders of the World I Can't See. The stand-up special is Chris McCall's on live and the podcast with Chris and Dai is called Winning Isn't Everything and they are all available right now. As I said at the start of the episode, which I haven't recorded yet, but I am am gonna record just after this. Oh and I'm also on tour if anyone wants to come and see me. Oh there we go yeah I actually forgot you were on tour as well. Have a Google I'm at the Philharmonic tonight. Philharmonic Hall. Have a Google. It's a beautiful venue to do stand-up in. Yeah Chris McCall's and all over the country go and check that out too. I have some shows coming up. If you go to adamrow.co.uk,

I'm doing a load of Adam Rowe and Friends shows where I will do at least 30 to 45 minutes of new material and I'll have two to three friends with me each night. There's a load of shows in Liverpool and I've just added Manchester and Dublin and Belfast are due to follow. I'll also be adding Glasgow, maybe Edinburgh, Newcastle and London and Birmingham.

I'm going to be doing quite a lot of these over the next six months. Is this to work out new material? Yeah. So, God, you actually go on tour when you're doing new material, like you're getting about. Well, I'll go to comedy clubs and do club weekends and test it there. But then when I want to do, like if you're booking a club weekend, then you can only do 20 minutes. Yeah. So I want to be able to run longer than that and stretch my legs a bit.

So yeah, I'll, I'll get about a little bit because otherwise I end up doing it all in Liverpool and then all I end up knowing is that it definitely works in Liverpool. I'd rather shop it about. Yeah. It makes, makes sense. Just, um, yeah, for hell. You're tired listening to me? Also, the podcast is on tour. And we're doing the Murderers Row Tour,

which is us bringing on four special guests each night to do stand-up. A couple of people have messaged me like, is this a podcast or... It's not a live version of the podcast. It's me and Dan hosting one half each of the show with two special guests in each half. And that all the tickets for that are on haveawordpod.com where you can also get merch, including exclusive Madras Row tour merch.

And on top of all of that, we end every episode with a fucking song from one of Finn's mates. Not my mates. Someone did message me that ago. Do I need to be your friend to get played? No, be good. That's the question. This week is a band called The Solars.

So S-O-L-A-A-S, and this is their tune, Smoke and Mirrors. Go on. Yeah. Go on, do it. No, it sounds good. No, it does, it sounds good. They like it when you do it. It sounds good.

We are The Solars. We're The Solars. Smoke soul are smoking all the way from Pimbo and this is smoking Have a good week leads goodbye thanks for everything I wish they'd alive from day to day But I wake up in the morning and I see the mess you made Oh yeah, oh yeah What's this coming to you? It's a big disgrace But it all remains the same and I can wash you where this stands Oh yeah, oh yeah You gotta take it slow Cause they don't want you to know They've always gotta put on a show

Keep acting like these curtains are closed They always make a scene, but they'll never come clean These smoke and mirrors make it so hard to see So come on, make a friend out of me So come on, make a friend out of me Out of me So come on, make a friend out of me Out of me

So come on, make a friend out of me So come and make a friend out of me You You really got me questioning You, why does this you want me to do? Don't think I could get myself through You've gotta take it slow Cause they don't want you to know They've always gotta put on a show Keep acting like these curtains are closed

They always make us see But they'll never come clean These smoke and mirrors make it so hard to see So come on, make a friend out of me So come on, make a friend out of me I can't see What it's doing to me, what it's doing to me These smoke and mirrors and screens

These smoke and mirrors and screens Make it so hard to see, make it so hard to see I can't see, I can't see What it's doing to me, what it's doing to me These smoke and mirrors and screens Smoke and mirrors and screens Smoking mirrors and screens Make it so hard to see