Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #315 with Rob Mulholland - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: February 10, 2025

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our brand new website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Have A Word: Murderers Row | https://www.ticketmaster.co.uk/have-a-word-the-live-podcast-tickets/artist/5406541Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Anthems: https://www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Liverpool/Content/DANS-ANTHEMS---HAW-Dance-All-Dayer-4pm---10pm/40595747/Comedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's Karaoke Party: https://skiddle.com/e/40472096Dan's New Bits (Manchester): https://www.skiddle.com/deeplink?type=event&ilid=40525497As Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Merch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it and I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lids? How are we? Adam here. Hope you're all good. I've added some shows. I'm starting to work out again,

trying to get my new hour together and on top of appearing at loads of different comedy clubs over the next few months, I'm going to be running my new 30 to 45 minutes of stuff at some Adam Rowe and Friends shows. They're all on my website, adamrode.co.uk. There's seven shows at the minute listed in Liverpool. They are on the 6th of February, the 13th of February, the 12th and 13th of March. And the 13th of February and the 12th and 13th of March have two shows each night as well. I've got some unbelievable lineups booked for them. Got some of my best mates in comedy. Some people you wouldn't expect to come and do these shows, very, very excited. But I'm also adding shows in Manchester on the 11th of April, they are on sale right now on my website.

And after that, we're adding Belfast, we're adding Dublin, Newcastle, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Birmingham and London are all to come. So if you go to adamroad.co.uk, there will be some shows listed and whatever are on there right now are on sale and there is more to come. So keep checking. And if you want me to come anywhere closer to you, let me know. I'm very excited.

I'm really excited to get back to work. And on top of all of that, of course we've got the Murderers Row Tour coming up. Haveawaredpod.com for tickets to that. There's also exclusive Murderers Row merch that you can get on the same website. That's haveawaydpod.com. And as always, patreon.com slash haveawaydpod for an extra episode every week, early access to these public episodes and access the entire back catalogue of Patreon exclusive and Patreon specials including the India special, the India Bike Ride Challenge special which is released very soon patreon.com slash have a word pod. Enjoy this episode, we've just finished recording

it and it is one of my favourite for ages. See you soon, love you all, even the crying arses. Stop moaning. Have a word! Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. You were saying before you like bisexual women, Dan. You were. You were though? Is that, of all the things we were just chatting about, before the start of this episode, you were like, let's just hone in on Dan likes a bisexual. But you did say that.

I mean, and then we talked about Murillo at Nottingham forest, unconnected by the way, apparently good defender. I was just wondering, does he kiss boys as well? Not sure. From a psychosexual perspective, do you think the fact that when women are bisexual, do you think there's maybe a little bit of biphobia in you where you think that doesn't really exist? So you think they're actually lesbians

and you're actually only fancying them because you see them as unattainable and you don't think you deserve nice things? It is that, it is that. I don't try and block that out when I'm wanking though. Don't I think? Because sometimes I can get in my own head with that sort of thought.

It's just more tits, innit? What's fap on? No, but I don't mean that. I mean, like, there's a girl and she likes men, but she also likes women. So there's just more tits that way. With a straight woman, there's no more tits. There's two tits. That's the maximum amount of tits.

Usually. Yeah, usually. Unless you get that. There are exceptions to prove the rule. The Holy Trinity tits. Do you know what I mean? Like, XG, like, tip, pair, woman, two, straight. Unless you get that. There are exceptions to prove the rule. The holy trinity tits. Do you know what I mean? Like XG, like tip pair woman, two straight. Bisexual, there's more.

No, I don't think it's... The tits per woman is still the same though. No, no, but like... It's a bad stat to have used. But they can bring more tits in. Do you know what I mean? Chances created, they overperform their XG. Yeah.

You're an absolute boobs man, you, aren't you? Yeah. As if there's not more going on with a bisexual threesome. Just like, you know what? I'm just into the four tit thing. Like, anyway, that's a strong start to have a word this way. Enjoy your Cheerios. Yeah, I do like it, yeah. I do like it, yeah.

Many, many moons ago. What? Was dating a woman who liked the occasional pussy. Just on like Christmas and Easter. She liked a bank holiday pussy. Yeah, once you have, honestly, you've got to have a Monday off. And she'd, because of her sort of,

her taste, because she, you know, mostly men, but the occasional, you know. What do you reckon, was it like a 90% the D, 10% the P? I'd maybe go 80, 20. Ooh, nice. Definitely. It's a good door split.

Surely you like both of you, only with the person who's got the pussy is good. Is that pansexual? It's got very much. Pansexual you fancy everyone. You can fancy anyone. Yeah, surely it's the person then who's attached to it.

Surely it's like, oh, that's a good pussy. What do you say, Michael? Are you saying like, 90-10? Surely it's 50-50, but then they're like, oh, that's a good person. No, no. You mean in terms of just how you can, I know like, sexuality is a spectrum, isn't it?

But someone can be like a bisexual and be like, mate, I like men and women and that's almost equally. That's what I'm saying, but you said 90 to 10. No, but there are girls. There are people with that ratio. There's people who are like, hey, like my favorite food is fucking Bolognese, but every now and then I like a chippy

rather than just three nights a week Bolognese, three nights a week chippy, one night a week salad. My ex-girlfriend that was bisexual, I'd say it was like 60, 40. She was, she dated more men, she had more time in relationships with men, but she was a big fan of the lady lumps. Anyway, because of her taste,

her sexual sort of proclivities, she'd fucked a lot of lesbians, right? So she, I remember talking to her about it being like, hey, I'm into it, I love lesbian porn. And she was like, do you know straight men are actually the laughing stock of the lesbian community? Because we all like not we, cause she wasn't a full on, you know?

But she was like, lesbians think it's hilarious that you masturbate to lesbian porn because they like it's so not for you. Like they're just like, we want men nowhere near this. Yeah. Isn't that part of the appeal though? Yeah. For you. That's what I was saying. But like, yeah, that there's a, there's a, there's an enjoyment in that. And I think a lot of fantasies can be that you don't have to put yourself into the thing. In the past, I've not, in the past I have watched lesbian stuff,

but I'm not like, oh, this is not for me. In my head, I'm like, I could turn both of them. That's the challenge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is just a challenge. If I walked in there right now, they'd be like, we don't like, oh, hang on. Just they'd kick off the Birkenstocks

and be like, fucking hell, Adam. I never saw it. Like look at that fucking dick. Get in here, lad. Unscripted. That ex-sex just keep rolling with it. This is gold this week. All lesbians, this is a fact now.

I'm, you know, all lesbians are just waiting for Adam Rowe to walk in. That's it. Not all of them. Don't generalize. The girls who... The smart ones. Girls, straight girls, who enjoy gay porn.

Smaller market. What, just men? Just men. Is that a thing, yeah? It's a thing. I mean... Because they love cock. Everything conceivable's a thing.

It's your tit. No, it isn't. It is. I don't think it is. Surely a man bumming a man isn't gonna turn a woman on. No, it does. Not many. But it's a thing. It's quite niche. More dicks, innit, yeah? Yeah. But that...

Genuinely, straight women who love man-on-man porn are absolute cock monsters. I'm telling you right now. They have to be. They love the game. They have to be because the only thing that is, there's more of for them there is cocks. Yeah, yeah. They're like rugby fans who like Union League and sevens. It's the same amount of assholes.

It's less pussies and it's less tits. So the only thing that is like up is the cock ratio. Cock ratio, yeah. I love a good cock ratio. Oh God. That can be the only thing. Do you know what I mean? We used to talk about girls who watch Gapol. That's how I see it anyway. As we've said a million times before, when I'm watching anything, I'm in it. Like I'm one of the people in it. I have to be like, where would I be? You know

what I mean? Yeah. It's why Schindler's List is a difficult watch for you, isn't it? Yeah, I'm good at writing lists. Adam's List. Is there a list? I've never seen a film. Is there a physical list in it? Oh my God, that'd be a bad film. Adam's List. Oh yeah, fuck, I forgot about that list. So many people died. Adam, have you sorted that list? Shit. Steve! Is Schindler's List the list of Jewish people he's saved? Yeah it's not his to do list for the day. Schindler had a big day off, got loads of done.

Went to home bargains. I haven't seen it. I saved him, write it down, I'm guessing that's the... It's one of those films where everyone bangs on about how good it is but I know how bleak the story is so I don't want to watch it. And especially because it's true. Like if I'm going to watch a true story I want want to know like, at the end of it, he saved the day. I know he saved some people, didn't he? But there's a lot that he didn't.

Yeah. Could he have written a bigger list? Yeah. I'm just not. That's the main, honestly, when you get to the end of Schindler's List, you're like, you should have bought A4 paper because A5, you ran out of names, I'd love to save more. There's actually room but I've run out, my bi-rolls run out. Nightmare. Ray Fiennes in that film said that he loved playing a Nazi because it made him feel powerful. It would though wouldn't it? Yeah, he was going on like TV interviews saying that like he loved the power of being a Nazi.

I think he's more evil in Schindler's List. I think Voldemort seems charming compared to Ray Fine's Nazi. No, but like Voldemort's basically based on Hitler anyway, isn't it? Yeah, that's what I said. Like, it's ethnic cleansing. It's eugenics, yeah. We said this recently.

He is Hitler, just with a mad head. Hitler didn't have a normal head, though, did he? He had quite a mad head. Hitler didn't have a normal head though, did he? He had quite a mad head. Shaved sides, the fucking what? Little fucking Charlie Chaplin tush. Do you reckon he was trying to make himself like an image? Do you reckon when you go like, that is that person? Oh, I think he was pretty consistent though.

I think there's pictures of a younger Hitler where he looks when he's, you know, in Austria painting fucking postcards. He looked the same. How gutted would you be by the way if you're Charlie Chaplin? Because like he's pre-Hitler, isn't he? And he's like, no one's ever gonna have a muzzy like this. I'm gonna be the guy with that muzzy forever. This is the Chaplin, isn't it guys? Yeah, forever. The Chaplin. Then he did a film about Hitler, but just didn't change. Like he did, like, he did a, what was the film called? Oh oh it's one of his later

films. Was he knocking around when Hitler was about you? But Voldemort is Hitler and like the Death Eaters like Gables and the boys they're the SS yeah. Who's McGonagall? What? Who's McGonagall? Churchill. Churchill yeah. No Dumbledore's Churchill. No, because he dies. No, he's a maggot, he dies. He gets wiped out, doesn't he? Dumbledore's eyes now. Maybe Dumbledore is Churchill actually, because obviously there's slight changes in the story. He dies. But Churchill was quite a bad guy, but did a really great thing, wasn't he?

He had a lot of problems. Dumbledore's the same. He's fucking grooming Harry. He's been maked. Dumbledore's gay, isn't he? Why? Isn't Dumbledore gay? Yeah and he hates Indians. Yeah. Who's Dobby? What? Anne Frank.

He's always hiding. No he isn't. He is, he disappears like dead easy. And he dies. And he dies. Wow, I wasn't involved in that. That is spectacular. Anne Frank must not go back to Hogwarts. No, no, talk about himself. You haven't seen Harry Potter recently enough you.

He says that about, Harry Potter should not go back to Hogwarts. You gave Anne Frank socks. No, no, talk about himself. You haven't seen Harry Potter recently enough, you. He says that about, Harry Potter should not go back to hard life. You gave Anne Frank socks. Nice one and frabs up here. Has he seen it recently? Well, yeah, I do like bisexual girls is the point I'm trying to make. You just thrown a sock.

Where the fuck did that come from Harry? I came into work and I realised I had a sock in my pocket. I've got a sock in my pocket. That's gone, I've been like 19 years. I've got a sock in my pocket. Are you pleased to see me? I've googled young Hitler and I'd like to see that prequel. Oh, young Hitler? Timothy Chalamet written all over that.

Is it like young Sheldon? I watched that. It would be very similar to young sheldon, it's just the evil roots in it, because he's just an autistic kid who had gone out of hand with. He loved trains though. He was, he was. We are under 11 minutes by the way. Yeah, we're definitely on the threshold for people who hate watching us. At least it's Rob Moolholland who's on later, like if he brings any fans to this. Yeah, they're going to be into that shot. Yeah, if this is Russell Howard's fans, I'll be like, oh god, rough start. So, Hitler, right? How far are we from flying cars?

Hang on, did I just skip 25 minutes? Did someone just men and blast me? How far do you think we are off? Do you know what I mean? What are you talking about Don? I feel like I've asked it. Show us the link. Oh no I've screeched. Oh right okay. There'll be no more screeching. Are you just trying to get us away from the Nazi stuff? If you want to lean in, you know, let's do more Hitler.

I don't think we'll ever have flying cars. Oh, that is recency bias. What do you mean? Well, because you haven't got them now. Surely it's conceivable that these drones are getting so good that they're going to be like, we'll just do a big drone. I don't think the public, the gen pop,

I don't think gen pop will ever be trusted with flying cars. I think they'll be automated. He can't do a flying car. Oh, he can't do a fucking Nissan Micra. There's no way there'd be flying cars ever. Cause I think it was a pipe dream of the fucking 50s. There's no infrastructure. The roads clinging onto your childhood.

The roads make people drive places. Can I, can I, can we look negative? What? There's three companies battling to make the first commercial flying cars. A left, pal the Turkish gaff on ball street. We make first flying car. You want, you want hot Mizzy or flying car? So they've had a license for three years. Almost both. It can go 110 miles in a flight. Who's saying that then? Well, it could go faster than that. No, but the roads keep people from driving into things,

just natural infrastructure. Why? No, the road. Yeah, but there's other things on roads, isn't there? There's trees. There's trees next to roads. In the sky, you can go wherever you want. No, but they won't allow No, the road... Yeah, but there's other things on roads, isn't there? Absolutely, yes, but in the sky... There's trees next to roads. In the sky you can go wherever you want. No, but they won't allow that, will they?

So how will they monitor that? Of course, because you can literally set maps in the sky. I know this sounds like I'm being thick. It does, yeah. No, no, it doesn't, because technology's like... I know this sounds like I'm being thick. It does, yeah. No, it doesn't.

No, you know the... No, it doesn't. No, you know the... I've changed my mind! Once being thick. It does, yeah. No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. No, you know the GPS. I've changed my mind. You know the GPS, you know GPS maps. If I could not find a way, it would be the risk of the episode. Go on, Dan. So you know GPS maps? They'll just lock off where you can and can't go in the sky. I think the road like sky roads will probably follow roads. You're not going to be able to go over every

bit of private land. Are you? They're just going to have skylanes. This is happening guys. This is happening. I think I honestly think 20 years checking you can afford the flying car though. But when they say in this 20 20 years ago but I don't think they'd have the drone I think drones are the thing that make me think it's happening now and Amazon even trusted to drop our parcels off because people will steal them that's drones that are the issue there no I'm saying people just follow the drones and go like I just I don't nothing can be in the sky except for what's super controlled I don't think we can ever be trusted.

What I'm saying is these drones will be controlled. Like, you know how Teslas now can do automatic, in America, they've got driverless taxis. It's cause they can map out the road. They'll just do that in the sky that everything will be coordinated. Well that's not a flying car to me. Flying car is like, I'm gonna go to the shop

and they're getting me flying car. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying you can. He's just saying you won's not a flying car to me. Flying car is like, I'm going to go to the shop and get in my flying car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying you can. He's just saying you won't be in charge of driving it. You just get in and like, you know like, hey city. You'd be like, hey, John the car, like take us to the Asda. And it just, woo, woo. And there'll be like flight paths for them.

So it'll go up and it's not like you're just cutting over everything. Jack and there'll be, what will air traffic control be for cars? That's going to be a fucking nightmare. It's never like you're just cutting over everything. Do you reckon there'll be, what will air traffic control be for cars? That's gonna be a fucking nightmare. It's never gonna happen. It'll be absolute chaos. Think about how many cars are on the street.

Think about like a traffic jam on the M62. And imagine that was above your head. Yeah, but do you not reckon it'll be just like rich people? Like that'll be their lane. We've got helicopters. Well, that's what happened with cars. Only rich people had them at first. And then it becomes more affordable and now there's fucking billions.

Maybe everyone else will get flying awesome carts first. That'd be great. What happens if you break down? It just like the sky. I think you just get lower to the ground. No, but surely that I think it'll be safer. If you have a flying car, surely it can cut off and just... Have you got stocks in flying cars?

I think it'll be safer. I think it'll be better than a safe house. It'll be safer, yeah. All it is, is all of the dangers on the road with the addition of maybe you fall out of the sky. Exactly. No, there isn't children running across the sky. I'm half a month children learning to fly.

I reckon it's about 18 years away. Hover children's not happening. That's ridiculous, isn't it? It's icy, not in the sky. Off you go to fucking school. No, it's foggy. Say that again. It's not icy in the sky.

Well, you know, cause they slip on the ground sometimes walking to school when it's icy. Like this morning was very cold. You can't slip on the sky. Can you? Am I all right? I, cause I- Are you all right?

I don't know. Whatever he had yesterday, you've got, have you banged your head? I've had one of them weeks. It feels like, I don't know, I'm not sure what it feels like. It feels like you were driving into work today. I'm like, fucking flying cars would be class, wouldn't it?

Do you know what? Actually, I'm going to start with that on the pod. And then I started with your lesbian self-loathing and then that went quickly into the next two. God! I'm not a self-loathing, is it? Loathing, I'm not a loathing lesbian. What?

Scottish lesbian. I'm West Lothian. Yeah, but like I- I know, you're right. I've quantificated that you only fancy lesbians because you want women who won't fuck you. You know what I mean? And you want to talk about flying cars. That's most women though, isn't it?

Everyone's a lesbian. Look at the stats. Everyone's a lesbian. And my wife is pretty lesbian. Do you reckon that is most women? Do you reckon more than 50% of women would not fuck you? In the world? Yeah. How many women are there? Like 4 billion? Yeah. Yeah. I've got to keep the stats. We both said that we're confident. We're looking at the league table. Assuming they are single and don't have any sort of age. Yeah. Thanks for that. Well, that should go at the top. I think that's why I said women. What are you saying? What are you saying? Women. Women. Women. Like, you know, they can buy a scratch card. Women.

No, cause 16 year olds can do that. That's not a woman. Here they are. 16 year olds, not a woman. 18. Done. What's the adult in it? What's the age of consent? 16. But you can't still. You can legally. There you go. That's what I mean. No, 18. No, I mean, but if can't still. You can legally. There you go, that's what I mean. No, 18. No, I mean, but if we're doing that- And even that's awful. I know, yeah. All right. Member of Parliament, 21. Okay, it's a lot older to be.

So you can fight in Iraq at 16, but you can't fucking decide who's going to 21 bollocks. You can fucking fight in Iraq. Isn't it mad that you can roughly like deployed to fight in Syria or Iraq or wherever we're going to fight next at 16 or we can't get a phone contract until you're 18. Is that 16 now? Yeah. You could go to war, get your legs blown off and you come home and you can't even text your mom and dad and say you're back. And you've got no legs. Yeah. Who's picking you up at the airport? Someone's gonna have to. You need a flying car? Do you think if I polled every single woman on the planet who is of age fucking nice? Or Polish women?

Do you think less than 50% would be like? Of the 4 billion? No, they're not of age at all. Just shut up about paedophilia for one second. Over 21 year old women, can we put, the numbers are coming down here, aren't they? Right. Over 21.

Let's say there's a billion women on the planet who are single of age and ready to fuck. What's my top end? What? What's my top end here? What do you mean? But I don't, you can't be like, well, you know, Ethel in the care home, that's not a,

there's no stats there. They're busy. Okay, well you make it like, what's the average age of death? 80, so like. Let's say 21 to 75. You want those old women to want you. No, no, no.

21 to 75, awful holiday company. Like 21 to 50. Oh, I'd go a bit higher than 50. 60. There you go, I'll take it. 21 to 60. There's some banging 58 year olds out there. Look at Tess Daly. 103. 21 to 60. Like how, what percentage of those women do you think are going to be like, yeah, fuck it. Like it's not, and it's not like would you get into a

relationship with this guy? Would you marry this guy? Would you have as kids? It's just would you one time take him to Poonpoon from the Danny who and girl. Is your agent but he has had a stroke recently. Nothing you can have. I think 50%. In the world? For sex. Hang on, are these, are these, everyone's single for a day. It's like, it's like the purge.

It's, it doesn't matter the actual number because we're talking about a percentage. Of the ones available, of the ones who are single, the percentage, I'm not after a number, I'm after a percentage. Say 30%. 30%. For him, what would you give yourself? I'll say, no, I'll say 30% for me. Okay, so you put him here Oh 45 oh he's higher. Yeah, he's oh come on. I'll be honest. You got a garden And that's what when they don't know that it's literally like fucking real-life tinder Yeah, am I not allowed to put my garden in my bio? No, that's a lot of my Pitch of you. You're just like her. I've got a trampoline. Yeah, I'd say 30% I

Think it's lower. Well, I'm not I'm not like black am I and that you know, I Mean what I mean is that takes out the guy else. I only like black dudes I'm so glad that's where you were going with that. What else would they just fell heavily braces for a minute? No, I mean like it was actually quite progressive. That's instantly caught out like I'm not glad that's where you were going with that. What else could there have been? If it just felt heavily racist for a minute. No, I mean like... It was actually quite progressive. That's instantly caught on out. Like, I'm not into white guys. He's, you know...

Yeah, but a lot of those girls like me as well because I've got natural flavour. Word, word. Yeah, but like even those girls like might just want an away day, you know what I mean? Yeah, look at me! I'm fucking Scarborough away, mate. I don't like sushi, but once a year

I try a little fucking thingy roll, you know what I mean? I'd say 15%. Wow, that's low. I think that's so low, you know? I think you gotta like back yourself more. I think like 80. But a lot of my game is like, I'm fun, you know? Like a...

Do you reckon there's many 21 year olds out there that look at Dan and go, yeah. Yeah, cause most of them are like, what a fuck did that really, don't they? So he's like f**king. I got called a dill, a dead meat. Enjoyed that. Was it the 21 year old? She was 42. She thought I was her dad's age. She's like, he looks great for a 71 year old. Yeah, because I'm 43.

Of all the eligible. I'm joking. 70 ish percent. I'd back me self to get off. If I can chat to them and that. No, you said it's real life Tinder. Yeah. Yeah. You can chat on that. If we can mention his garden then.

All right. Yeah. I don't know if you can mention it. I'll not open with the flying cars bit. I know that now. Yeah. But I mentioned my garden. Come on. You know what women love on a one night stand. I'm going Brexit. 52%. the flying cars bit I know that now yeah but I mentioned my garden right come on you know what women love on a one-night stand I'm going Brexit 52% the Brexit

ratio just just I just get it over the line all lesbians I mean we know that now don't they they'd be like yeah oh yeah you got the lesbian vote as well yeah which Brexit didn't this is a landslide. You said that you would love a sexual page. Wouldn't that be great if we could just all agree on one day where it was just all commitments off. I think most people would say no because they don't like the idea of their partner fucking other people. I think you just like have a horny little penis. It's true. I understand that most people would say no, but what if it was just a thing? Like you know, Easter Sunday.

Dan's Anthems. Yeah, Dan's Anthems. Yeah, just come to Dan's Anthems. It's a big folk fest. Why like the second holiest day of the year, if not the? Holy. Isn't it mad that Easter isn't like the one? Yeah, because it's- Isn't it mad that Easter isn't like the one for Christians? Cause like everyone's born. Everyone's born. It's not like a big deal that he was born, but it is a big deal that he got up and went for a walk after he was fucking bang bang.

It was fine. Pontius Pilate. Let's go kill some fucking messiahs. You know what I mean? That should be the one, shouldn't it? Yeah, I mean, that's, you get murdered. I mean, not everyone gets murdered. And not even in a good way. Like, I reckon Jesus would have loved his head blown off. With a shotty.

Yeah. But he would though, wouldn't he? That's better. Then I'm gonna hang you on that cross until you fucking bleed out your asshole today. Oh, please blow my head off with a shotty. What does he mean? You'll find out I've been a few pieces up there going fuck. I wish shotguns have been invented This is a nightmare. But technically if you believe in Christianity God which Jesus claims to be is

All-knowing all-powerful and sees the past, present and future all as one thing. So in that moment while he was dying, he knew shotguns were coming, so he could have thought that. Yeah. That is in the Bible too, I think. He was just up there going, ah, I wish someone had a flying car to save me. And then he was like, I know Dan Nightingale will bring that up one day on the podcast. How bad would it be to be one of the other cunts that got crucified that day? The two criminals beside them? Oh, I have to tell you what, if you know your Bible and you can whip out that name from

your head, I'd be impressed. Another guy that carried the cross is called Simon. Sisyas or something. Simon of... He pardoned both of them, didn't he? Or one of them at least. Like he was like, hey, don't worry, you're getting into whatever new love. Just one of them.

You're coming with me. I don't know, but it's definitely at least one. Like one of them, he was like, hey, look, Raze, say you're sorry and that, yeah? Yeah. Sorry, are you sorry, John? And he was like, I'm fucking sorry, lad. He was like, Raze, you're coming to gap you.

Did he check what he'd done? And he was like, ah, it's a bad, bad, what have you been up to? Doesn't matter with Christianity. Credit card fraud. Repent and you will be forgiven. Doesn't matter what you've done. Should though, there should be a limit on that.

You could do anything apart from take the Holy Spirit's name in vain. Right, so you can fuck three goats to death. Yeah, and then if you go, soz, sorry. What happens if you like your neighbor's ox too much? Well, how much? If you bummed it? No, you just like, I love that ox.

It's a sexual purge. Leningford's on. We should never have agreed on this. What are you saying? One of the commandments. You can't covet thy neighbor's ox. That's one of the commandments. Yeah, you can do, you can go against all of them and still get in as long as you're sorry.

Why not the Holy Spirit one? The only thing you can't do and still get into heaven is take the Holy Spirit's name in vain. Oh really? Yeah. So we're all fucked? Does that include Jesus or is it just the Holy Spirit or the all one? Yeah come on Father Adam.

All you can't do, I'd rather not ask about this, is take the Holy Spirit's name in vain. Watched a TikTok. Watched a TikTok. Is that true? Stop saying read an article about this is take the Holy Spirit's name. Watched a TikTok. Watched a TikTok. Stop saying read an article. Yeah. I mean, did you watch a TikTok? Yeah. Yeah. So what's that like? Oh my God. No, cause that's not Holy Spirit. But if you're like the Holy Spirit, it's a silly little con. You're not coming in ever. You're not coming in ever. You're not coming in, ever. Soz, soz about you. Who's ever said that?

If you say that, that is worse than like, bumming a million children to death. I knew that was coming. In the eyes of Jesus and God. What? They're like, hey, no, you fucking knew the rules. You fucking knew the rules, okay? He's bummed some children to death,

yeah, fair enough. He was on acid, okay? He said, sorry, he's now in here on a theme park, an adults only theme park. You took the Holy Spirit's name in vain, you're off to chill with the devil and get burned alive. And to be fair to Adam, no one does use the fucker. Kiss my Holy Spirit, no one says it. It's not part of the parlance, is it?

Oh, so it's a very rare one, isn't it? People are, you know, bombing a million children to death all the time. Everywhere. Isn't it? Is everyone alright? You brought this energy by the way. The bleed on the brain energy that we've all got. It's fun doing it. Finn save us.

Well, I've just got the names of who was crucified. Oh, Jesus. That's the last thing I have. What are the names? Uh, just us. G E S T A S. All your dad's mates in it. Yeah. It's going to chip you by.

He's the impotent thief. The impotent thief. Oh no. What is that? What's that word? Impenitent. Yeah. Impenitent.

Is it like, I'm not saying sorry, me like the, you mad. I love that that bread. I've not heard that word before. But he could get hard. Yeah, yeah. The impotent thief. You know the word penance. He keeps stealing lube.

Why? Oh, I thought you were being stupid. Why would an impotent thief want lube? What use would an impotent thief have? That's why I said why? Because it didn't make sense. All right, okay. Do you think that question has ever been asked?

Why would an impotent thief want lube? That's why I said why because it didn't make sense. All right, okay question has ever been asked Why was I even putting the thief on loop but a couple of moments today where we've actually tried to reason out our bullshit and it doesn't make sense and Dizmaz the good thief. Oh good thief. Good thief. I think this is the one you were talking about these. Oh yeah. So like you didn't say sos it's you're not coming in. Was he like a Robin Hood style character? Like taking off the fucking Romans and giving it to the fucking kids with no shoes? Yeah. Who are lucky to still be alive. He did Operation Christmas Child. What was he taking? Shoes?

I don't know. Because it made him a Roman with no shoes at all. Wasn't in the article, so I don't know. TikTok. Yeah, we need a break, don't we? Yeah, okay. Okay. That was a wide range of bullshit.

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and my God, we've done a few, haven't we, Adam? Yeah. Yay, we have. And that's how we got to nearly 30,000. That just sort of tenacious sales. There's lords. We've been in Nashville. We've been to Amsterdam twice.

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you get to see extra content that me and Harry make up, that film club. Basically if you want to be a part of this podcast, sign up and you'll get everything. Time to do some confessions. Dan's anthems, 20th of April, man of a rave with the lids. Tickets on the Insta. It's a sneaky one. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions.

Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions.

Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions.

Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Confessions. Conf a pure, haveawayedpod.gmail.com, you can write in your confessions, things maybe you've only told one or two people, things you've never told anyone,

just little things you've done in your life that you feel guilty about. We will act as priest, but we won't fuck any kids. Hey. And we will tell you your penance, or we can forgive you, you can either be absolved, or we can give you. You can either be absolved or we can give you a little penance to pay

to get rid of the guilt for whatever you've done. You know? Jermaine Penance. It's a really, it's a morally superior church system. We're just having a laugh. We're not trying to convince you of anything. You know? Just having a laugh.

You can. You're drunk. You can have the, There's a gas leak. There's... I'm having a laugh. You know, no judgements apart from the judgements. You can have the gavel. You can sit.

You can preside over this one. I have my gavel. This is from Anonymous. Oh, shit. Sounds good. I mean, they almost always are. Confession for you lids. I had a job running the sound at a crematorium. And we had a funeral for this lovely old lady. When

the curtain was closing at the end of the service, the family wanted Crazy by Patsy Klein to be their mum-send-off. Nulls bar. She was like, Mick McCrae! She was like, Sveta Lenche. But I had accidentally had one of my songs from the gym queued up on my Spotify, so when I played the next song, it was X-Gone Give It To You by DMX. The family were absolutely livid

and I ran out before the service had finished ahead. Do I deserve penance? How far in? Before you're like, hang on. This is crazy. It's red sheet, it's mine. Does he bark like a dog in the face four seconds? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

That'd be sick. Crazy. That's the Patsy Climbing. That's the only bit I know. What would you have for yours? Oh, for my, my, well, I'm already dead. Walk offs. Oh yeah. And she walk off song. I think you should just have your, I think you should just have your iTunes on shuffle. That's, that would be class. No, I think you should just have your iTunes on shuffle. That would be class. No, I think before you die you should do a 10 minute recording of you just screaming. So when they play it they think they can hear you screaming while you're getting burnt. Why? Ah, they're not!

I'm like, what? I'm having a kip! That would cause a ruckus. This is a weird question, Dan. I was like, what? I was having a kip. That would cause a ruckus. This is a weird question, Dan. Please don't be offended. Or anyone in the room. Have you made funeral plans? Yeah. I got a free pen. Parker pen?

Did you meet Michael Parker? That's how it happens. Has he made funeral plans? You know, like... He has got the sunlight guaranteed over 50 plan. I can't wait. When you get married, sometimes people like write out what they want from their funeral. Got my news in his late thirties. Yeah, but this is some of this is joking, but some of it is also serious. Well, you're right. I would like to, I've set this all out. Yeah.

I've sat Laura down and said, these are my wishes. I want a Sikh temple. Okay. Yeah. And then I want the audio book. Isn't that one of the things on the menu at Alif? Sikh temple. Yeah. I thought it was an Avicii song. The audio book of Prisoner of Azkaban playing. Stephen Fry?

Yeah, of course. Who else? What was in the VT song? The audio book of prisoner of Azkaban playing. Stephen Fry. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Of course, who else? As you fucking Stephen Fry. Nice. Smokeface Griller is gonna do the food and me. That's nice.

Are you getting cremed? Are you getting blazed? Oh, burn me up, mate. Ah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I don't want, I still have like this thing in my head. This is why I'm not like an organ donor. I'm worried that I'll get to the afterlife.

Like if I like donate me kidneys and I'll get to the afterlife and God will be like, right, well, you've got no fucking kidneys. You've got a tannins, even no kidneys. I don't want to get to the afterlife and just be a big pile of ash. Do you think you piss in heaven then? That's what your kidneys are for aren't they?

You can't get kidney stones in heaven. Yeah. I don't know about that, but I do think you piss in heaven. Cause I think heaven is like, if it exists in the way we've been there to believe, it's nothing but joy. And there is nothing better than pissing

when you need to. A good piss is good, isn't it? What if there's a line for the bogs in heaven? There wouldn't be? Oh, there's no, for the bogs in heaven? There wouldn't be. Oh, there's no, there's no line. I think heaven constantly feels like you're pissing with a full bladder after sex, like at all times, your balls just always, and your cock are always just like... And hell is you're dying for a piss, but there's a cue constantly.

No, hell is when like you really need a piss after sex, but you can't get it out. It feels like that all the time. Yeah, I'm to change lanes like Rick Ross. That's hell. And there's no penance for you, my brother, my crematorium pal. There's no penance here. It's a, it's an honest mistake.

It's not just an honest mistake. Like even if you'd done this on purpose, I think like, you know, Carl's theory of like, there's more joy in the world. In that moment, people might have been pissed off, but you have given that family a story for life. Yes. They'll be dying out on this for the rest of the time.

Yeah. That's a story to laugh off forever. I think it's a pretty sound family, pretty sound family to be like, I know we missed nothing. No, it would take maybe a year or two, but you go, that was mad, wasn't it? I think it's a pretty sound family to be like, I know we missed Nanny. It would take maybe a year or two, but you go, that was mad one. I honestly think if this had happened at my mum's funeral, I'd have been, I'd immediately

have gone, Carl, get off the Bluetooth. But honestly, I think I'd still be laughing now, like in the same fit of laughter. It'd be so funny. But I think a lot of families are pretty uptight about funerals traditionally. Sad funerals scare me. You'd ruin hip hop nights for every member of the congregation that day.

You wouldn't. You'd make them. Every time DMX came on, like, oh, I miss it. No, you'd be like, fucking, this is our fucking hit of the song. And you can't dance to that crying. No, sad fun be like, fucking this is our fucking hit of the song. And you can't, you can't dance that crying. No, Sad, Sad Fever will scare, like scare me. Also by the way, if you are the type of person or the type of family who would do this and

have the song be anything along the lines of like, burn baby burn, and you think that's funny, you should kill yourself. You should throw yourself in the fire as well. Yeah. Oh, you get it. Burn, baby, burn. And it's fire. Is that the priest?

Burn that mother down. Does that happen a lot? Prodigy fire starter. No, no, it does though. It does, people think that's funny and nothing bothers me more in this world than unfunnyness. But when people are trying to be funny. people trying to be funny be like, no one's ever done this before. Burn baby burn, burn baby burn, stop fire. Adam's in the back fuming up, should have been DMX, would have been

well funny. Well funny. You don't like sad funerals. No. But I also don't like the ones like, you know what, this is not a funeral, it's a celebration of a life. Everyone wear colour. I feel that's a bit forced as well. You're allowed to be sad if you miss your fucking nana. No, but it's like, I know they're with Jesus and he's dead and all that scary stuff. I don't want to have any of that Sikh temple, mate. But like, it's just, it's weird.

My nan was religious, so her funeral was very traditional, like, and you know, she was maybe a bad person at some time. And he's talking all this gear about. What? Yeah. Is that what they said about your nan? And now God's wrath. She was in the SS though. She was in the SS.

She was a bad girl. Sometimes. No, but they're like, you know, and God's wrath upon you and all that shit. And I'm like, it's just me nan, innit? Why are you saying like God? Which Vicar was this that was doing revelation in the fucking funeral? No, but it's all like fucking like scripture and like religious and it's all scary. God will smite you all like here. When my granddad got a funeral,

his sister went up to make a speech and fell onto the altar like tripped up. And honestly, I think that is in the top three moments of my life. I'd put that up there with the champions league win. Which one? The adult one. Did everyone share? Like, you know, when you drop someone in the school? Oh God, I mean, let me ask you, if I'm just like both of us losing our mind, better than make it relief, like place the tension. Yeah. But like she was also like in his seventies. So like everyone else was like, is she all right? Double, double if we'd all gone, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha a poem that she hadn't run by us that she wrote herself that was like a kid's poem. The what? The Celebreth? Celebreth. So it's a non-religious one.

The humanist minister. Yeah. Well better. Do that for me please. Yeah but there's always like they're not really allowed to mention religion but then they can't help but sort of like lean into the sort of you know like the wording of faith like and they're in a better place. No, they're not. And they've gone, they'll be looking down. They're in the mud now, aren't they? You've got to like... Oh, I'd love a hardline humanist. Like he had a good run, but you know, you get to 47 and what do you expect? Now he's dust. If I go first, I want you all, especially you two, to speak.

But I want it to be a roast, but like unannounced. I want you to just get up there and do like roast jokes. Okay. I'm getting slossed. Without telling my family and friends that's what you're doing. You just get up and you just start doing like. Can I get, can I pay sloss to write some for me

from the pod account? Yeah, you can do whatever you want. Nice and nice, yeah. I'm gonna worry about what's going on with the pod account after I'm dead. Damn. What's this? He's looking down. That'd be a weird. You've never checked the whole thing ever alive. All of a sudden. Yeah. So bang the gavel is fine. He's made so he's made the joyous thing. Lads syn, lads, it's anonymous. Oh dear. I have a confession for Father O'Leary.

A couple of months back I was speaking to this girl for a few weeks. After one day and after a few drinks we went back to hers and did the deed. And she invited me to stay over. I woke up in the night, brassed in for a piss. Braced in for a piss. I think he meant burst in. Burst in for a piss. Always Chinese.

So I stumbled in the dark to a toilet, tried to feel where the bowl was and piss in the dark. I couldn't hear splashing and was terrified. When I went to flush, I realized that I hadn't pissed into the toilet, but managed to shoot two pints of piss into the washing basket next to the toilet filled with hers, her mum's and her sister's clothes. I went back to bed, got off first thing in the morning, and blocked her in everything.

Do I deserve penance, Liz, or is it her fault for putting the... Liz? Liz? Do I deserve penance, Liz? Or is it her fault for putting the washing basket in such an insane place? It's your fault for lying?

It's not Lola Lala, are they? You're lying! Do Lola Lala! I ain't doing this but you're a liar! You're writing into your favourite podcast and you're a liar! Oh piss! It's bullshit! Oh! Yeah and I'm just doing this one night stand, do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to go for a piss in the dark! No, no, no, no, no! Not turning any of the lights on here! Oh we're in the bathroom are we? Oh, is that a bowl is it? Does that feel like a bowl does it? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah! No, yeah! He does that for the toilet it? Oh yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

By the way, yeah Oh, that's about the right height wash your baskets are fucking up here toilets down there wash your basket to me They've wicked Big wash it I was bursting for the piss and actually pissed inside the dad's asshole for 25 minutes They do leave that in the bathroom asing for the piss and I accidentally pissed inside the dad's arsehole for 25 minutes. Oh, I didn't. They do leave that in the bathroom as well. I was basing for the wee. I just went and I pissed on all of it. Siblings!

I was like, is that a bowl? Oh, no, it's your sister's mouth. That'll do. Here you go. Fucking load of shit. I went downstairs, got all the photo albums out and I bathed them all. I thought I was having a piss. I'm sad like me, Siggi.

Ended up burning an oil painting of Inan. Come on, Liz. The bullshit alert's gone off. That's how bad that was. What is going on with that alarm? I don't get this pissing randomly when you're drunk thing. I've never ever even been close to that, like pissing in a drawer or something. Oh, surely everyone's had a little.

I've pissed in a plant pot and I told you I found my dad pissing. My dad used to piss everywhere when I was a kid. He pissed in my wardrobe. He pissed in the back of me telly and I found him pissing into the garden once, but he was stood on the extension. me telly. I found him pissing into the garden once, but he was stood on the extension. Such a flex. That is a ball of move. So I fucking built it.

No, no, no. So in the house I grew up in in Dover cost, all of the houses had extensions built into them. I don't know whether you'd call it, cause it was probably built. It's like the kitchen. It was the downstairs bathroom. Right, okay.

So there was only one bathroom. I don't know why I'm saying it was the bathroom. So upstairs was three bedrooms and my bedroom window, if you got out of my bedroom window, you would then be stood on top of the bathroom. You know what I mean? Yeah. And one night I woke up and me windows just open

and like me fucking curtain or blinds are just like blowing. I was like, what the fuck? And me dad had come in blathered and he was just stood on the end of the extension, just being like, and he looked behind him like that. And I was like, dad, what are you doing? He's like, I'm having a person couldn't be asked going downstairs. So he stood on the bathroom. Yeah. He's pissing into the backyard. And at least he was conscious, like he was aware of what he was doing. Has he climbed

out your, he wasn't like sleep pissing. No, but I think he did sleep piss sometimes. It fucking killed me for this ever going out. This can't be a clip, but yeah, yeah. I remember it being like a sore point with him and my mum. Stop pissing in the kids wardrobe. He's like, oh, fucking pipe down. Like he didn't just accept it.

Hell no. I'm gone didn't just accept the L. No, hang on. Fucking. I fucking built the thing. Stop pissing in a kid's wardrobe. The back of the telly was the worst one. The gavel's being banged. Yeah, you're full of shit.

We call bullshit. Anonymous, wag wag lids, I have a confession. I'm a caterer. And we were working some posh works due a few years back. We were laying out the canapes and little buffet bites when we realized that we hadn't brought veggie alternatives We quickly made some cheese buddies to cover and then me and my mate decided to take half the sausage rolls Prinkles sprinkle some pepper on them to make them look different and put them on a separate plate label veggie sausage rolls to make them look different and put them on a separate plate labelled veggie sausage rolls. The vegetarians ate them up and one even said that it was the best fake meat she'd had.

Because it was real. Do I deserve penance? I think this is on Finn and Harry to chip in here but in my opinion Harry doesn't get a say anymore. No I am still veggie. No you eat chicken more than meat. No what do you mean? What's happened?

No I just eat chicken like three times a week. I just like fried chicken. What do you mean? What's happened? No, I just chicken like three times a week. I just like fried chicken. Basically you're a vegetarian until you go near a KFC or Hickory's. Yeah. Do you know what it may it's it's like my, it's the fried chicken that's just not chicken anymore. The fried chicken at Mackey's where it's like that could be any animal. What he means is when he looks at like a steak or a chicken breast, he's like, that looks like an animal. But a sausage roll doesn't look like a pig. So why are you asking about that?

But I know it's been a pig, whereas for whatever reason I can shut it out. It's like one time I had a potato croquettes in Madrid and I was like 14, 13 and they- No potatoes on animals. Yeah. But this is the thing, the Spanish, they're sneaky and they stuck ham in the croquettes. That's a ham croquette. By the way, it's on a potato one. I don't speak Spanish. I didn't understand that on the menu. Come on. Probably potato that. So I added it and then realized I was picking ham out my teeth and, uh, and then just felt sick the rest of the day. It's like a weird tap, like mind thing.

So if I'd eaten a sausage roll and I'd had an inkling that it was like real meat, I'd just vomit, I think. We've touched on this a few times, but barely. He's as bad as Dan was at the start of Dan versus Food. And he just keeps it on the down low. To go back to this question, So we'll come to you. Yeah.

Right. Would you give a shit about this? Yeah. Would you be angry or something? But like, you're not really doing it. You wish you could eat it. Yeah. You wish you could get over the psychological block of it.

Yeah. So surely having get it and being oblivious to it, you're just not asked because you've already had it? No, I think if I found out, if I didn't find out then obviously I'd be fine I think if I found out, if I didn't find out, then obviously I'd be fine. But if I if I found out that goes for anything. Yeah, true, true. I think I'd I think I'm not sure because I've not done it.

So it's like nearly four years now of being veggie. I've never I've not had anything that I'm aware of. I've got your next accidental meat now. No. Oh, well. Oh, wait. No, one time Dan brought me some food back and it was meat, but I literally took a bite and went,

oh, that's meat and spat it out. Would you be angry? I was like, I thought it was potato. I said, ham on on it. Would you be angry at the people? Order food for you. Yeah, from a leaf. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you brought it back. Would you go to the guys who did that? Like you're a fucking dickhead. Yeah. It's just, it's like giving a Muslim guy pork. It's the same thing, isn't it? Yeah, I think so. It's a, it's a kind of, I mean, there's a spiritual thing there, but yeah, I think it's slightly different because religion makes everything messy, doesn't it? So they think that they're like going

against God by having, which, which could ruin their eternity. They're touching an unclean thing. Whereas you're just like, oh, the poor beef pet dogs. Cows. He's got me. There you go. Oh, beef dogs. So you're not eating dogs?

I'm not eating dogs. Oh, it's really good. But you had one accidentally when I brought that dog back and you ate it. Yeah, yeah. I said it was back and you ate it. Yeah. I said it was a cucumber. We all make mistakes. Um, yeah, I think they need some sort of penance.

It is quite poo. I also do think that the vegetarians in question were quite gullible where they're like, oh, they must be so different because they've got pepper on them. They've got pepper on them. Oh, there we go. Sausage is an easy one to to like I've had veggie sausages that you could confuse as Linda McCartney smashing it. She's getting some air time recently. If I ate it and then didn't know, I think I'd be, it's like most of the stuff, if I

order a veggie burger, I bet 90% of them are cooked on the same kind of grill as what have I told you the next day? By the way, yes, they're UETTA sausage. I feel sick. Really? Yeah. Or like, I can't have- But you eat chicken. I know. I don't know what's wrong with me.

No, but like- If meat has touched the food, that's it done. I can't. But I pay attention to chicken. Like, because people have offered me leftover pizza and they've peeled the pepperoni off and I'm like, no, it's not on because it's got pepperoni juices. I honestly can't understand how you live in Japan. Oh yeah, I'm the same. Oh no no no, get the permanent sadness. There's just so much you're missing out on guys, I'm with Adam. Honestly, your food existence makes me really upset for you. Because if you could just like, if you could get past it, life is just infinitely better.

Like being able to just try something and be like, oh, I didn't really like that, whatever. Like if you don't really like something, you throw up into a bin. You either like stuff or throw it up into a bin. Or I try stuff and it goes well. Jack Finnegan's birthday. What was that fucking? Lamb and cumin. Oh cumin lamb. That sounds nice. Rogue. I had that yesterday. That was unbelievable. No bins needed. You know, I think we have evidence that there's

been some pretty rough ones. Fish paste. I mean, I'm with it on that, I think. Can we do a damn versus food where there's a chance I might like it? Is that, oh, is it? You gave you a hot dog and you didn't like it. Yes, I did. The hot dog went down really well.

No, I think you gave it like a six out of 10. No, but I didn't, there was no, that was one of the ones that went all right. Went down really well. Six out of 10. Ooh, lovely. Knee stars. Delighted with that.

Let's do a Have A Word. It's time to have a word with anime fans. Eleven, eleven. Tell us all the problems you have with your friends. I'm going to Derek's, by the way. So if we end up starting with Rob Mahone, the last twelve, I'm just doing that. It's the last one, that one. Anonymous.

Lads, I need you to have a word with my girlfriend Ashley. The other day we were joking around and she showed me her sex toy box. She was going through all these bullets and rabbits and shit and then she whipped out this massive dildo. I asked her if she actually used it and she said yes and then laughed and admitted it was a clone Willie of her ex. I thought this was absolutely mental and out of order to still be using it,

but she doesn't see the problem as it's not his actual cock. So it's not like it's cheating. If she did that- Have a word with her, lads, or have a word with me if I'm being sensitive. It's not his actual cock. Oh, here's the thing.

They're both right. And he's only right because we're all a bit mad with it. Like it is just a big, it's the same as any other dildo. No, but his cock's been inside it to form it. No, it's not in the actual dildo. There's been no cock on dildo action there. But it is the-

It goes inside, it's a form. No, it's a mold. No, it's a- Which you put on your cock. No, you make the mold and then you pour the silicone in. There's no cock on dildo action. No. Oh, I thought they were made the same way you did.

You get your cock and you just- Like when people in prosthetics- Oh, you thought it was like a paper mache thing. Yeah. I thought it was like making a paper mache head. No wonder it's massive. It's a fucking like when people break the legs in the 80s But like I've got to be honest with you. Oh, I'm like, yeah, this is me ex's dick I'd be like, I'm not a ass girl. I was not as actual cock. It might as well be put it in the bin It's me ex's dick. So much worse

Would you actually actually have to look at the size. Apparently it's massive as well. So she's like, Oh, you'll laugh at this. She drops it on the table. What's that? Would it make it better if it was small? Yeah. Would it? It's still not allowed, but I'd feel better in the moment. I'd be like, you shouldn't be using that. But you know. Make one of mine? Yeah. Yeah, get one of Carl's. We'll be putting it at haveawordpod.com. Do you think Laura would let us make Dandildos with your cock and sell them as merch? Do you think she'd have any problem with that? Right. But I have no problem with that? Right.

But I have no say. You're in. Oh, I'm in, am I? Thanks for making it all in. Morning talks, man. Morning talks and bullshit walks. So my dildo's now on sale. That's how that rhyme goes.

Would you do it? Would Sarah have a problem with it? No. She'd let you do it. She'd let you sell cocktail doughs, would you? Cocktail doughs? Hello. You're like, can I sell cocktail doughs? Yeah, go on. Oh, you don it. She'd let you sell cocktail those of you. Cocktail those? Hello. Can I sell cocktail those? Yeah, go on.

Oh, you don't work, aren't you? Sorry. I don't work as well, you know. Do you have to time some of the stupid questions that you ask your missus? I have to time them in like, you know, if there's something like this, I have to pick the moment in the day to be like, oh, by the way, darling. You let them get theirs off first. How short?

How short? I think you, but like the cocktail though, what? I think you go with that first, by the way, you let them get theirs off first. How really? How do you think you put like the cocktail though? What I think you'd go with the first thing in the morning, surely like catching off guard when she's still like, and the problem is it's loaded in sleep. It's not like Laura asked me a lot of these questions. Like all the old boys at the allotment have asked me to make a pussy mold for them. Anything going on with you? I have a word today. Like it's usually me.

Clown a Willie. Right. Will everyone do it then? Are we going to all do, are we, there'll be a range of them? Yeah, Jack's the only man. Good, good, good. Oh right, yeah, not my son. Which Jack is it? My son, the photographer or Adam's brother? Are you doing it? Are we

doing the cock range? Oh, only you are getting into it. No, no, no. I think it's a... Would you doing it? Are we doing the cock range? No, only you are getting to it. No no no, I think it's a... Would you do it? Would we all do it? Would you do it? I'd do it if we were all doing it. What if we do it in drops, you go first.

We'll do it quarterly. Every three months we'll drop a new cock. Do you have to be hard when you do it? What? Do you have to be hard when you do it? Yes. You'd want to be, surely. Or is there not like an any option to be? I don't think the mold would pick your cock up unless it was hard. Undetected. 404. I'll be the first cock builder that's ever in any. I could smush it in near the lid. It's minus dick. Yeah I'd do it. Hard? Oh yeah yeah I'd do Yeah, would you use the light skin tone then? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Slightly bruised.

The balance is the same color as the shaft, eh? I can't be off it. Yours isn't. I'm in for it, but we're all doing it. If we all do it, I'll do it. No? I think that happens more when you're circumcised. Because it's like wind beating. They just seem to end up the same colour. Like you're circumcised like that. Yeah because of all the wind. You know what I mean like you're like rocks at the beach.

Is your bell end the same colour as your balls? Just about. Is that mad? Slightly hairy. Wow. Because my bellend's purple mate. Yeah. Why does it have a pimp coat? It's got rhinestones on it and everything. You're not a Scouser unless you've got a purple bellend.

My bellend's like this duck. If we do the dildo range, if we do the dildo range, can we like add little like ornaments to it? Can your dick be wearing a cowboy hat? I feel like it was if it could. Yes, like this. Yeah.

Mine's like got a cool blue hue to it. My summer. Even in the summer! Is your willy like, is your willy that, like your bell in that colour? Is your willy brown as well? I very rarely look at my dick thinking about colour charts. My willy's quite brown. Right. And then my bell end's purple. Doesn't sound healthy.

No, but yours is wind beating. Again. I'm not just going... Stop getting your dick out on the beach, Don. You're changing the colour. That's what I do every Sunday, just go up a hill. Don't do that with your eyes, if the wind changes it'll stick. Don't get your cock out, it'll change colour.

Haveawardpod.com. I don't know if it's happening, but I'll do it if everyone does it. If we make a little pact, let's go. We'll do it in drops. You're first. See how we get on. If it doesn't sell well, we're not, you know, we're good businessmen. That would be quite funny to see though, if we could like all drop it at the same time and see who sells the most. Finn. Finn, would you do it? Yeah. I think it's a solid last. There you go. Finns got the biggest William. You know, I don't know. You know, what about me? You were involved in that. I don't know. You know, how big is it with the cowboy hat on? That's a question. Wide brim for pleasure. All right. That's the end of that. Let's not good. No.

That's why I need a hundred percent nutritionally complete high protein meal. That's Huel, mate. It's as good as a meal. It's as good as a good meal. I'm out. I'm a busy woman. You know what it's like. I'm running businesses.

I'm raising kids. Some of them are mine. I haven't got the time to do this. Huel's amazing for that. This black edition stuff is great. We've got chocolate, ice latte. What flavours have you got? Vanilla and strawberry and banana, they're great. The other thing as well is,

I waste a lot of money buying loads of ingredients. I go to the shop and I buy for what I think is gonna be a meal. I overbuy and then sometimes it just gets left in the fridge. This is affordable stuff. You pay for this and it's affordable and then you drink it all. Less than three pound fifty a bottle.

So go to huell.com slash have a word pod for 10% off for new customers and a free gift. Start your year off strong. Unlock a healthier, easier way to eat with Hewlett. Nutritionally complete meals in minutes so you can focus on what really matters. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do.

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No, so I go pale but then when I go in the sun I tan really. I get like this guy. You look like a very pale Mediterranean though. You do look like, you look like an ill Greek rather than like a... Have I done something to you? Yeah, you've been a little whingeing cunts haven't you? Oh, come on. Oh, we've got to go. I've got another fucking person to talk to.

Fuck, I feel like doing this for a long one. I'm going to put that in the memory bank. You can do whatever, you can do one half hour if you want. At half one, I will be standing up and taking that television out. So go for it. Carl starts a little new podcast,

a little new thing where he talks to people in that cupboard over there. And he's like, oh, I've got someone who was in the CIA. You found some fucking dead bodies today. Gotta go and talk to him and say if I can come back on please. Must go out to dinner with his girlfriend but he's gotta go home to see the missus, sorry. Rumble Hulsey! Hooray!

Hello everybody! And he's a bitch. In the building. What? And he's a bitch. Have you taken your day out on the gas? You just deflected away. This prison fight talk man, we're gonna have to throw down, I'm gonna have to take my shoes off and we'll fight you.

I'm beating you in a fight, I'm like I didn't beat your chin. I'm actually surprisingly frail, you'll be alright. I'm not surprised. I know, but a very uncoordinated man, like fighting ain't my game. Do you ever get picked out though because you're 6 foot 12? Used to happen all the time in my small town that I was from. I would constantly... Nairzbrough. Nairzbrough, where I'm from. Shout out to the Crag Rats. I would constantly, when I was like a teenager, people would be like, I'm going to fight the big guy. Because also I look like I made a twig, so it was like an easy fucking scrap in it. But yeah, that happened a lot. I'd just be walking home and someone would just twat me.

I think a common misconception with fighting big people is, oh, I won't be able to reach his chin. You're a prime height for a kidney bloke. Oh yeah. Yeah, just a cock punch. Floating ribs, fuck him right there. Do you reckon a dwarf would walk on you without touching you? They definitely could easily. I've had it before in a pub, someone picked up a dwarf and just put him next to me to compare. And I was just like, are you big ass? Yeah. It's fucking mad that, innit I was just like, you know what I mean? Were you big ass? Yeah. It's fucking mad that, isn't it? It was like we both felt awkward as fuck. We both just sort of like stood next to each other like, oh I guess we're both freaks. That's brilliant. I tripped

over a dwarf in a club once. That was bad. A dwarf in a club? Dwarf in the club, right. The dwarf was throwing down but I did not see. We're on different planes. We're not existing on the same fucking sphere are we? I tripped over him and then like loads of people looked around because there's a big noise. And when you see a dwarf and me on the floor, like it's not the dwarf, people don't think it's the dwarf's fault.

You're making them look more like a dwarf. Yeah, exactly. Are you medically disabled? I'm not medically disabled, I'm just tall. Although I am. You are medically disabled, it's just not to do with your height. They're not to do with my height, yeah. No, it's in a certain do with your height. Yeah, nothing to do with my height.

It's all in here. It's a certain height when you are classed as a disabled man. Yeah, I think so. I can officially join like tall people clubs and like I do think I fit the- The NBA? Diagnostic thing to be a giant because I'm in the top 0.02% or something like that. Is that 6'8"? 6'7"? 6'6"? I'm fucking twatting now.

6'6 is a disorder not a disability. Oh brilliant well if it's only a disorder Basically means the same thing, you get no funding Yeah yeah exactly, no one gives a fuck Have you ever seen that trend where you sort of mark someone's height, so we'd get like Rob's

height here, and then you put your phone with the camera at that height and take a picture of yourself and you see how people of that height see you. Because basically to me, like to Rob, I look like Warwick Davis to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's just the face as well. I feel the same sort of proportion.

That's if I lay down. Oh yeah, they just see, yeah. Like the way you see people who are smaller than you is how he sees you. I literally don't know how tall anyone is because everyone's short to me. So when people are like, oh that guy's tall, I'm like, no they're fucking not. So the thing that happens to me all the time as well, this one bums me out. I'll be in like a shopping centre and I'll be like, fucking hell, that guy's a freak tall. And I'll walk near them and I'll be taller than them. And I'll be like, ah, I'm the freak. But you must have some benefits.

Yeah, there's loads of benefits. I have never seen the top of my fridge. What did you say? I've never seen the top of my fridge. Yeah, that's not a benefit, man. What do you think's happening on the top of the fridge? You're missing out. I don't know. It's just dust and shit. No one cleans it properly and I just see how filthy everyone is.

I see all the neglected bits man, yeah. What is the cure for dwarfism is written on the top of fridges? What is it just like written a little code down there? We've got a little secret. The only people who can see it are you. Apple cider vinegar. Just spray them with it. They're like, brrrr. Like, you know those little sponge crocodiles

you get that you leave in water. What else do you benefit from? What else do you benefit from? Do you know what people get? I think, like, I saw a study that, like, told people, like, earn more money. Like, people, like, that hasn't applied to me. But I think people, saw a study that like told people like earn more money like people like that hasn't applied to me but I think people like generally trust tall people more. You

don't have short man syndrome that's the good thing you know like we're a lot more secure. I think tall people are a lot more chill in general because we've got less to prove. Reach things that are far away. There's not that many advantages I don't know what you think it is. What are the disadvantages? I hit my head on fucking everything. I'm going to get a CTE mate. I've got Chris Benoit's brain in here. It's fucked. I don't even do sports. I'm just hitting it on low beams. Like get concussions all the time. I can't fit in any form of transport. A plane, like an easy jet flight must be a fucking thing. When I sit in the fucking emergency seats, cause I have to have them every time. Every flight costs me more.

I have to have the extra leg room. Right. And like, they always come over to me and they're like, do you know what to do with the door? And I'm always wanting to be like, do you think this is my first time in extra leg room? I was born in extra leg room. I think it's hard to be dead tall or dead fat on a plane. Ah, like, but at least with like, you know, dead fat,

you've got some enjoyment out of it. This just happened to me. Like I didn't like have loads of cakes and get this big in it. Yeah. But also fat people, like they're not seeing the thing on the top of the fridge. They're too busy in the fridge. So you're getting naff. I mean, whatever's up there, that can cure up here.

But they also have an option of like, you know, sorting it out if they want to. If it's that uncomfortable, go for a jog, have a salad. What? You could cut yourself off at the knees. I could cut myself off at the knees. You will get their legs done now, don't think of that. Like shorten them to taller themselves. You could probably get it done to shorten yourself, I imagine. Yeah, but why would I want to do that? That's mental. So that you can save 11 quid on your flight to fucking Belfast. Also, I feel like you've saved money on stepladders.

I saved money on stepladders. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah. My stepladder, is your stepladder budget through the roof? Is it? A positive. A positive, this year. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Yeah. My step ladder is your step ladder budget through the roof. Is it? I've bought a fair few this year. How many step ladders have you bought this year? You need to have like three different ones. You need to have the ones that lean, like the ones that stand little and the ones that stand bigger. If it leans it's not a step ladder though is it? That's just a ladder.

No, like the one with folds, it's not a step ladder. No, like the mini one. That's a step ladder. Mini folding out of a step ladder. What if it leans? Oh, you know, I mean I've got another ladder. Like a garden ladder. For getting on the roof. That's just a ladder. I was mini folding out of a step ladder. What if it leans? Oh, you know, I mean, I've got another ladder. Like a garden ladder. Forget it, on the roof. That's just a ladder. I was talking specifically about step ladders here.

He's not that tall. He's not like, I don't need a ladder. Yeah, yeah. I can't do my fucking guttering. Oh, the ball's gone on the roof! Get Rob! Rob steps on the roof. I'll get it.

Here you are, lad. Although, like, people that I have had it where, like, obviously, I don't mind if someone's like, oh, can you help me down with that in the shop or whatever. I'm like, that is down, I'm stuck on the shelf. Can you help me down? Just bring your little legs down. Yeah, like that, I think is the tall man's duty. I find that, you know, I like that, that's a good thing.

But like I've had people where like, someone's come over to me and been like, can you help me down with something? I'm like, yeah, where is it? Then they've walked me to the other end of a supermarket. And like they've spotted me and followed me around the, get somebody who works there. Like, why are you following me? But at least you've never had that thing where an old, like an old lady's actually to get

something down. I've done that in like course and then I can't fucking reach it. So then we have to find a Rob Mull Holland. Then there's me and an old biddy chasing tall people around a NAS Mull Holland. Then there's me and an old biddy chasing tall people around a NASDAQ. That is brutal. Yeah, I can't relate. Never happened. But yeah, like overall pretty good being tall, but it's like, it's not, you know, I've always been it, innit? Who knows? You don't know what you're missing. I'm happy just being slightly above average height. Are you above average height?

Six two. You can't be. No, I think, I think I'm bang on average. I'm six two. Okay. Why did you stop growing? She's fucking half skipped over that for a second. I nearly ignored that he just said that he is in his boots. Here's when he's doing his little dosey dose. We are always a giant. Yeah. Well, since I was like a teenager, I was like, I was like fucking six, five when I was about 14, you know, I was just huge. But I had a proper baby face.

That's pathetic. What do you mean it's pathetic? Sitting in your little GCS E chairs, bigger than the teachers. Like you're on health. Proper did. And it was just like, I was way more skinny than I am now. And like way like more uncoordinated. It was just all accentuated because I was all like teenagers spotted. I read an article and it said something like, um, people who are over, people who are over

six, five have like a 60% chance of being in the NBA. So you're in the minority of people. You're in the world. That can't be in the world. Google it. Cause there's not many people above the height I'm guessing. That is mental that I've got a better than a coin flipper being in the NBA and I've fucked it. You know. Like, I don't think my career is kicking off now.

Yeah. And also it'd be a weird point in your life. Seven foot is one in six. Right. Seven foot is one in six. What you just said was absolute bullshit. Six two, you're not going to be able to. Just two wildly wrong numbers. It's just thrown out there with such confidence.

That's the bug gas! I thought it was the bug gas! We all believed in it. Yeah, I know, I just totally bought it. I was like, why am I not in the NBN? I don't know, wait, wait, wait. No, it's actually 0.07% chance. Right, that's still not good. For still not good. You can still dream though.

I'm six seven. Yeah. Someone between six six and six eight. 0.07%. I'm being like, that's a seam and the side seams of my jeans are in the middle of my thighs. What has happened? Let's see. Put them on backwards. Where did you buy those jeans? Show them. That is really fucking weird. Nightmare Beans 6-2, innit? He's got front seams. They're women's jeans. For the audio listeners, I know the audio listener's not getting a lot out of this. Yeah, it looks like Christina Aguilera in about 2004. Another normal again. It looks like he's painted these on in the war with coffee. You all right?

Like an octopus. I don't know what happened to me, my jeans just broke for a minute. Steve, we need to find out about this gas leak. Because we are having a bad day. It's a good surprise. Carbon monoxide through the fucking roof. Are you getting more and more tattered as you go as well? I feel like the- Yeah, it's a carbon monoxide through the fucking roof. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha always had this many tattoos and I was like no no I keep adding to them. I have got like I think

I have like stepped up in our tattoo die over the last couple of years I've got a lot of light I've got like really into it and like I've recently got a massive one down my belly that's really like Welsh train station on its deal. I got the initial. Let's see it. Hold me, Bellum. I got the initial. Let's see it. Like, I got, oh wow. Whoa.

Oh. Is that an urn? Yeah, well, no, it's a vase with a flower in, but like, I said to my artist, can you give me a vase with a flower in? And he went, do you want the gnarliest tattoo I can imagine? And did that, and I fucking love it, man, but it sucked hard, like.

Do you regret any of your tattoos? No, I like stupid tattoos. Like, I kind of regret, like, the composition of a couple of them. I would have positioned them slightly differently like maybe just to make it flow a little bit better in places but I like stupid tattoos. I've got a fucking rubber chicken up there. Why do you have a banana on your arm? I love bananas mate. That's my banana ram. Silly question. Yeah yeah she's a fucking silly bastard. I mean Jack can match you on.

Yeah Jack's got some class-stupid tattoos. Yeah, but you're in a place and you go... It's like, you know when people go, I'm going to buy a little Memento. I do the same thing. You do it with tattoos? Yeah, yeah, I got like that hot dog in Bangkok. Like...

After what? Well, I thought it was the least harmful bad decision I could make in Bangkok, you know. I wanted to be naughty, I was getting that feeling. Bangkok's that sort of city, you can get up to some fucking mischief. So I was like, getting the impulse. Yeah, you can fuck women with penises. Yeah, you can fuck children if you want to, mate.

I don't want to. Like, no, I don't either. But they kept off. I'd get the tattoo. Yeah, yeah, that's what I did, mate. No thanks officer. Is that Hello Kitty? Yeah, well it's the fucking...

I'm not saying I want to, but I got offered a lot and that, you've got to say that is some hospitality. Offered? Yeah, yeah, people all the time would be like, oh you want girls? And I was like, and then they'd be like, you want girls? You thought about the accent there for a second. I thought about it. The only reason I didn't do it is because I'm bad at accents. I didn't think it would be convincingly tie enough.

So people were saying, do you want to have sex with children? Yeah, yeah. You just got that look though, hadn't you? And you said? And I said no. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't why, yeah. I just wanted to get back to me. I'll get on a tuk tuk and they'll be like, eh? And I'll be like, no. I just give off heavy pedo vibes in Thailand. I was a single man in Thailand. You know, that's why a lot of them are there. He's the tallest man they've ever seen. Yeah. Like

by a mile. If he was in Japan, I thought Godzilla was back. Oh mate, I got done with a fucking scam, right, while I was in Thailand. They said it was a dwarf. It was a mage. I was actually 23. This girl has pubes. I made a premium. So what you understand is that weed is legal in Thailand, which is why I went, right? It's legal at the moment, so it's fucking sick. So I was violently high the entire time I was there, right?

And like I was wandering down the street and I'd just smoked an intense blunt and there was a little stall that was grilling corn on the cob. And like, come on, that's getting fucking smashed. So like that's the best thing in Bangkok, there's little street food everywhere and it's all fucking great. So I'm like, I'll get myself a little corn. While it's grilling, this guy comes up to me and he goes, Oh, hello. Instantly I know that's a scam. I'm like, no, darn it. Yeah, no. What I've got to bear in mind is when I tell you this story, I now realize I was being dumb throughout all of this, right?

Like, it seems very obvious in hindsight. But you were violently high. I was violently high. I'm having a lovely time on holiday. I'm just having a great time. About to have a corn on the cob. About to have a corn on the cob. Right, I'm not-

You've not fucked any kids. I've not fucked any kids. It's going really well. I've turned them all down. I'm having a great time, right? So- Oh, hello, sir. He goes, oh, hello, sir.

He's in corn, are we? It's worse than that. He goes, oh, hello, sir. I sir. Oh, hello. And he goes, my name is, I don't know, some it's I, and then he goes, whatever I guess is going to be bad. So I'm just going to leave your own racist name in your own head. Tiger Woods. Oh, he's half time. So it must be a tiny. Oh, I thought you were doing a pun. I thought you were doing Tiger Woods. No, no, no. Tiger Woods is half Thai. Right. Half gar. Yeah.

Oh shit. Whoa. What did you say? It's Thai gar. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thai gar. Time out. Thai, half gar.

Thai gar. Half gar. It's half gar. half-gir, half-tie, half-gir, tiger. He's half-gir. Half-tie. No, no, I get it, I get it. Tiger. That's all I'm saying.

Right, so this guy was full-gir anyway. He was like, say this. Are we all all right? Don't breathe in deeply. Yeah, there's gas. So he goes, hello, my name's Ty No-Girt. And he goes, I'm a professor at the university you see behind me, right? We're stood in front of our building, right?

It's just a building behind us. Could be a university. Are you sure this wasn't an NPC in a video game? You're so likely. He sent me on a fucking quest. I'm a professor in the university. You see behind me. I've lost my keys. Can you find them? I'm so programmed by playing computer games that I was literally like, oh right, a side job's come up. I've got a little task.

Because me and my missus are on the way to a temple, right? To go see a big Buddhist temple. There's really cool ones in Bangkok. Like concerts or something? No, just because like they're just, you go visit the temple and they're cool. They've got like cool statues and stuff and all the monks are there. They're really fucking good actually, they're like amazing. Giant gold Buddha I went to see, it was fucking sick. Anyway, he goes, I'm from there, you speak English. I go, oh yeah, I speak English. I'm from England. And he goes, oh brilliant, I'm trying to practice my English. And also, it happens to be my birthday today. And I'm like, oh, happy birthday, oh fantastic, right?

And he asks me where I'm going. And I go, oh, I'm going to this temple. And he goes, oh no, you can't go there today, today is a very big Buddhist holiday and that temple will be closed. I was like, oh no. And he goes, but don't worry, I can get you on to a boat tour. All right. As he says that a tuk tuk arrives and he goes, get on this, they'll take you to the boat tour and you can go on a boat tour that you'll see all the temples from the river. And I was like, what a helpful man. He's great. What a very, very helpful man he is.

And this is what university lecturers do in Bangkok. I was like, yeah, exactly. Arrange boat tours. I was like, he's going to arrange a boat tour and go back to his seminar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get an HND in travel and tourism. I get on this talk, right? So E equals MC. Sorry, guys. Hang on. I can see a white man lost by a bin over here. I'm gonna go and get him on a boat

and then we'll finish the lesson. E equals MC square. He's dead smarting. Yeah, I don't think that's what they're teaching at uni. Look, I just went straight to school around. I think they probably only covered that by the time they get to a chemistry degree. I love the fact that the students are like,

E equals MC, what? What? What is it? What's MC? What did fucking geography say? It was E, yes. I got all this fucking talk. The guy talks to this tuk tuk guy and like, you know. I'm calling that anymore by the way.

What? Tiger. So he speaks to this tiger. Right. And he's like, we got on it. On this trip I was with my missus, right? And she like sort of followed me onto this Tuk Tuk. And as soon as we got on it, she just goes to me. She was like, she's like more like a quiet than me. I'm like, normally do the talk to strangers because I'm a gobshite. She just, as soon as we got on this Tuk Tuk, she just touched my arm and just goes, as soon as it sets off she goes, is this a scam? And I went, oh no. Immediately. She'd sussed it straight off because she's not fucking thick.

She has high as you. No, no she's not smart like me and she's also smart. So you know those two things were very much working in her favour. Some of that's on her then, she should have intervened. She should have realised who I am as a person. But the problem is she's really nice and she's led a bit of a sheltered life. Like she's a posh girl, she's from a nice town. She's like, everyone's been nice to her

cause she's a pretty posh girl. Little bit, she's a little naive. She thinks everyone's really lovely. Just a little pause, yeah, cause I need educating. Where does that phrase come from? I'm guessing it's, in my head it was like, your mom would dry you when you were a kid. Oh, I thought it was you'd just come out of the fanny and you still had some mum juice on you. Is it not that? You've just come out of the fanny and no one's driving. You can see why this posh

pretty girl from a nice town fell in love with you. You're right. The drying of amniotic fluid of a baby. Oh my god. Fuck yeah. Oh mum juice. Fuck yeah. Oh man, there's a lot more in this one too. I'm glad they used that phrase and not what it actually is. Oh it's got pussy juice behind it here, you know what I mean? Just a bit of mum pussy juice. Little Oda Pussy.

Rub it on my wrist. Not street smart, pussy juice on ears, you get it. I just assume every phrase is about pussy juice. Just makes it sound like the mum was really enjoying childbirth. Well like that some women come during childbirth. Isn't that a thing? Isn't that a thing? They must do. You know you run the weird one. Every baby's not a big cum. No, some of them are. Some women have taken bigger cocks than babies. That's not true. There's no bigger cock than a baby. Wow. There's no bigger cock than a viable baby. Wow. You have poisoned us with your dead men shit. I've immediately brought

you down to my level. We weren't that horrible. Yeah, yeah. It was only a little push. There's definitely some like abnormal monster cocks that are bigger than like premature babies. They do poos, don't they? Not babies. Big cots do poos. Everyone poos. Now mums, do you do a poo as well, don't they? Yeah, they do a poo. But like, it's like, if you ever had a big poo that feels really good against your prostate, it's the woman version of that is having a baby that makes you jizz.

Every time I pass a solo, I enjoy it because it's, oh, that's like once a, like, year. It's alright to enjoy things happening in a male anus. You know, like the gays don't have different arses and they love it. So of course we're going to like it too. They do after a while. Yeah, I suppose there's nature and nurture is an argument there, isn't it? They don't start with a different arse, but they've trained it. Absolute veteran back there. Go on on so but mums have come on and

having shite while having a baby. What is this to do with the Tuk Tuk in Thailand? It's called Birthgasm. Birthgasm? What a great metal band name. Brilliant. We are birthgasm. So go on. I now remember why I brought this story up because eventually right this Tuk Tuk drives us loads in the wrong direction for where we want to go. Eventually, they drop us off. And there's a group of people milling about. There's about five Thai people. And there's another white couple currently getting scammed.

And they're further down the scam than us. We've already sussed it, thanks. I say we. What's mine is hers. She's sussed it. So they're getting scammed. They're getting hurried onto the boat. We get off and I'm now like, like they start trying to like surround me and get money out of me. But like they also are

now like, I can see that they are scared because they have trapped a beast they can't contain. I'm essentially King Kong at this point. I feel like, you know, I'm a lily pot and I'm going to get chained down because they're all fucking five foot now. And I feel like, you know, I'm a lily putt and I'm gonna get chained down because they're all fucking five foot now and I'm like they're all surrounding me and I reckon what their normal move is because they're all sketchy looking tie-blocks like I reckon their move is they surround them, they put pressure on them, they just go along with it. Just to intimidate them onto them. Exactly. But like Avuno reversed it by being a giant and like they surrounded me and then immediately just sort of like magnetically stepped back a few paces

and I just sort of waved my arm like this and they moved and then we left You didn't save the other couple. Oh fuck them. Fuck those white cunts I'm not even angry at them for trying to scam me Like they probably they've got a worse life than me fucking try scam me like that's one of the things I enjoyed out there like Tuk Tuk drivers were trying to scam me but they get out like three pounds extra I mean they'd be like no one loses no one loses the boat trip was just a good boat trip well this is it's probably nice boat trip it was overpriced and it probably wasn't as good as the temple we went to and all that but going on a boat

trip around Bangkok sick you know they're not gonna have a scam you know I think you got a lift yeah but it was a lift I didn't want it's in a direction I't want. It's in a direction I didn't want to go to. To a place I didn't want to go to. They're trying to sell you this weird overpriced thing. But that could have been fucking life changing, mate. Yeah, well, it wasn't in the end. But I felt fucking class for the rest of the day. We were buzzing because we'd beaten the scamp.

I got locked in a jeweller's in Egypt. Oh yeah? Oh. Got locked in... You look like you work in in a jewelers in Egypt. Oh yeah. Yeah. You look like you work in a jewelers in Egypt. I look more like it then as well. Yeah. Because I was at court the time and they kept saying, how did you get blonde woman? I was like, because she lived by us. So you get off the bus when you get to this town and they just be men waiting there and we got off the first night and this guy was like hi and we're like oh hello and he's walking with us he's like oh my girlfriend's from Sheffield and we're like oh mad this this is fucking mad this he fucking nosed up him

and we're walking he goes um you're gonna come into my shop i'm like why not he's fucking blend him and he with like young 20s and we go in and he locks the door behind us i was like what's going on he's like oh take a, we'll get you some tea. And the fucking sound is, you know, gives us some tea. It's not sound. If someone's locked the door, that's the biggish red flag. As soon as the door is locked behind you. Like the door's locked, sit down, drink this.

Oh, brilliant, fantastic. Green piss, I'm like, oh yeah, I'm all right, mate, no, I'm fine, I'm just gonna go shop. And he's like, yeah, this is a shop. And everything was just glass. It's like glass plates. And I was like, I don just gonna go shop. And he's like, yeah, this is a shop. And everything was just glass. It's like glass plates. And I was like, I don't want no glass, mate. I'm smashing me case, wouldn't it?

No, you must buy something before you leave. And I was like, I don't want to. Okay, will you at least follow us on Facebook? And I went, oh, yeah, go on. I'll follow you on Facebook. He went, no, you may leave. That's how Freddie Quinn gets followers, you know. It does, yeah.

It locks them in. It locks them in and he goes, if you may leave. That's how Freddie Quinn gets followers, you know? It does, yeah. It locks them in. It locks them in and goes, if you follow me on Instagram, I'll give you 20 quid. And then the next night we get off the bus and it's a different guy. He's like, hey, you from England? We're like, yeah. He's like, I was like, you got a girlfriend from Sheffield? And he went, yeah. And I was like, lad, fuck off.

And then the couple's like, what does that mean? I was like, it's just people trying to. It's the code. That's funny that they've only learned one place and it's Sheffield. But it's quite niche, isn't it? It's quite a good pitch because it's not so obscure. Everyone's going to know Sheffield,

but it's not the first one you think of. It's quite a good market. So describe Sheffield then. Yeah. Go on then. It's lovely and flat, isn't it? Sheffield. Name the two teams.

Yeah. You didn't get eggy though. No. So Seneca was worried because she was one being blonde in Egypt. Weird anyway. Cause they're like, Oh, we must eat this person because they've never seen one before. Um, and to they thought I was Egyptian because I was, I had just gone, we've been the first time. It's just chiseling the Sphinx. But I was like, mate, I don't want to the shop, you're like, oh, we've got them. He's just chiselling us finks, like. But I was like, mate, I don't want to buy any. And I face it like, no, you must.

And I was like, I don't want to. And then obviously they get to a point where they're like, oh, you should have let them go. So I had to just follow them on Facebook. And that got me out. It's like crystal maze, the easiest crystal maze ever. That's really funny. Like, you know, if you've got to follow them on Facebook,

so you periodically get a little reminder of your hostage situation. Do you reckon they'd do that, like Abu Graib? Like, follow him on Facebook so you periodically get a little reminder of your hostage situation. Do you reckon they'd do that like Abu Graib? Follow us on Facebook! And then you can leave! A little reminder that he can fuck off, that's all I'd be waiting for! It's weird, it's weird. Not nice. Not nice being in a... It's being in a sketchy situation at Broad makes it so much like more intense. It's like the countryside, like if you're in a scary fucking situation in the middle of nowhere

and it's way worse than the city. Because they know it. situation in the middle of nowhere and it's way worse than this. Because they know it. Yeah. How do you think we do as a podcast in Thailand? Cause it's on the sort of long list for potential patrons. It's one of the best places I've ever been. I fucking love Bangkok.

It's like the best city. It's amazing. I went, it's like, we, cause Weaves legally makes it super fun. It's just a fun place. Is it all just Thai food? Is every restaurant a Thai restaurant? You can find there's Mackie's and there's burger Kings. There's all that. There's a lot of Thai food yet. That's what they do there. But it's also some of the best food

you've ever had. Like you, you go to a shopping trolley on a corner, give an old woman 50 P and you have the best food you've ever fucking eaten. But like, there's no, like, cause in India that nearly wiped out. No, it's good. It's good quality. Like everything's cooked properly. It's really good. It's like a really good street food culture there. Can we film though, even though there's women, like I mean like, what are you on about? What do you think? I finished conversations in the end and start them on my own. No, like in, when we go to Amsterdam, we can't film in the red light district. I'm saying it was girls who were trying to... Oh right yeah there might be if you yeah maybe in like a certain bit if you'd like film that there might be like some guy come over and tell you not to but

like most of it's a super friendly like chill place and like it's so fun like you'd love go to Rajam Dhanan stadium right go to kickboxing it's one of the best things I fucking did. I fucking love that. Mate it's amazing right. This is when and like I was dead excited this was the thing i'd picked out because it's like the home of Thai kickboxing so we go to like the stadium and like we made one key error when we got there right they offered us a normal ticket or a vip and the vip is like fucking a pound more so we're like let's go vip baby you had to get on a tuck talk and down to

the river there's another couple there that's every story then. And a lovely river boat. I have a wife from Sheffield. Your VIP. So we got in this, we're the only people who have got the VIP tickets in the entire fucking stadium. There are a couple of thousand people there and us in these two VIP seats, sat like the king and queen of the stadium. It's like we're sat, we're sat in front of the house band, which is like three blokes with these weird Thai clarinets and a drum. And they play along to the fights.

They like play in the rhythm of the fight. Like Mario Kart. Yeah, yeah, totally man. And like every now and again, someone will start doing a combo and they'll do like they've got a gold star. They're like... Because it is like they go... ...and then it gets more and more intense.

They're not just doing this. There's one guy beatboxing, start freestyling. So we're sat right in front of that and we've got a little butler. We've got a guy who's just getting his shit whenever we want it. But like the, I would say sit in the cheap seats who look fun down there. They're all betting and shouting. look fucking chaotic but basically all they do is I smash this massive edible went to watch this and we're like we'll have a lovely time and this is a bit eggy with she's like it's not gonna be too

violent is that I was like it'll be fine be fine they're all teenagers all the fighters right they're all the oldest fighter I saw must have been 15 that night first it's and they're all fucking good. The standard of fighting is amazing and no one's defending, right? It's just they're wailing on each other. The first fight we watched, we sit down, we get some lovely spicy popcorn.

It's amazing, the popcorn there. Having a great time. I'm just like, it's not gonna be too bad, is it? First fight, within 30 seconds, this 14 year old lad gets ax kicked in the head and he's the most knocked out I've ever seen a man be. He was rigid flat before he hit the ground, right? They're carrying him out on a stretcher. What do the band play at this point? They're still playing. They're playing a little victory song for the other guy because they do dances on the

way out. Like they do a little opening entrance dance like wrestling whilst they're bringing him out on a stretcher. The other, the next guys in there doing his opening dance, they're already moving on. My Mrs. Looks at this kid on a stretcher who has not moved once and she turns to me and she went, is he okay? And I cried laughing. I couldn't talk. I couldn't talk. So I was like, what do you mean? No, no no he's not okay. You just watched him get kicked in the head. He's fucked. He's not even twitched. I couldn't handle it.

I was there for every fight was a knockout. It was brilliant. Your missus would be fucking terrified watching me shadow box and things. Is that shadow okay? Yeah. It's like, is he okay? Terrible things you can do to a shadow, you know. Awful.

Hang on. What's happening? No, awful. Hang on. Hang on. What's that do? No, it had the rhythm of 2.0. You fucked that! You fucked that! We've done that before though.

Yeah. What, did they just start doing beats from 2.0? Yeah, they just see if they can get him in without anyone noticing. Right. They're too gleeful though, innit? There's too much joy at the end. No, that's what he's acting like. No, because Carl looked at me.

Carl goes like this, we're doing it. It feels good. Yeah, you guys need to get to Thailand. You'd have a sick time. I think that is definitely on our radar, isn't it? It's amazing. Like, what a class place to go. You can just get into all sorts of fucking trouble.

What's the road called? Kosan? Kosan Road. Is that mental? It's mental. The next road over to it is one of my favorite places. Cause it's like, it's still touristy as fuck. It's still set up for, you know, like having a laugh,

but it's just a little bit more chilled. And there's like weed shops where you can sit down out the front, they sell fucking laughing gas balloons across the road. So I could just sit there with a big spliff, go get a balloon. Great times. It's fucking class.

This is awful. It sounds like Amsterdam turned up. It's way better than Amsterdam. Is it Amsterdam but with a beach? Bangkok doesn't have a beach but you can go somewhere in Thailand that does. We went down to Phuket and there's literally just a guy with a trolley bringing around joints to sell on the fucking beach. There's loads of beaches mate and some of them have penis. Also yeah, if you like a lady with a Willie, what a place to go.

Would you fuck on? If you're a single Lord has gone. No, no, I think. Yeah. Laura be fine with it. You know, yeah, it's fine. You're in a different postcode. That is one of the best internet videos of all time.

The fellow, the Jeff. Yeah. Yeah. Unbelievable. When he's responding to his Facebook live comments, he's going live fucking a lady with Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're all the jealous. You're all jealous. Like I'm just trying it. It's great. He said, go to town and they're not fucking a boy is like going to take, you know, eating a kebab. When in Rome. Yeah. When in Rome. Literally. Would you kiss one?

I mean, Lord, I mean, Lord is still here. one just goes, give us a kiss. Yeah. Yeah, I would, yeah. Give me a big kiss. Right on the willy. On the willy. Just like, right on the head. And we're not filming it.

I'll do it anyway, yeah. Shall we have a break? Yeah. Yeah. What's happening, lads? Time to tell you about our absolute OG, my absolute favourite sponsor. It's manscaped.com and as always promo code is WORD20 and with that you will get 20% off and free shipping.

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I keep inviting slogans as well. Do it. Rob, you've got a very successful podcast, haven't you? Yes. What's that called? It's called Dead Men Talking. People should go and watch and listen to it. Yeah, if you ever watch this and thought this isn't offensive enough, then Dead Men Talking.

With Rob and... You know what? I'm just going to pull you up on that. It's no more offensive, it's more disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it is. Every time I do it, I have to sit there and watch people getting like fucking Barbecue skewers through their bell and then we're not allowed to show those videos anybody says out there quite illegal

So we've had to delete all the ones where people get the cocks at which is really got in because they were really funny Go to the yeah Bell and cut off with a scalpel for legal reasons. No, I didn't You made me watch someone getting their bell in cut off with a scalpel. For legal reasons, no I didn't. Just in the break. Just in the break, yeah, that one's a lot. And you've got Dead Meat coming up in August. Yeah man, like, yeah, it's our comedy festival, it's fucking wild.

Yeah tickets are on sale, get them for Dead Meat, it's the best day. It's August 30th, last year was sick wasn't it? What a fucking day. It was absolutely brilliant and Freddie has asked me to do it again this year I don't know whether I'm actually gonna be in the UK when it happens, but if I am I will be there. 100% What a fucking laugh it was like it was fucking sick like so good. Stressful? Mad stressful one of the most stressful things I've ever done But totally worth it and like we gave out like our tattoo artists gave out 42 free tattoos in a day Like we're having three of them this year.

We're going fucking bigger on everything. Like it's gonna be twice as big this year. It's gonna be chaos. It really inspired me to be honest, because we'd spoke about doing a Have A Word Festival. And we should still. No, we will. At some point we will.

It was just, we were trying to figure out the logistics of it and whether we did it like in the Baltic triangle amongst different bars or whether we've got it in Sefton Park or another like place. And watching you do it on, doing it on, you know, the scale you did, I was like, amongst different bars or whether we've got it in Sefton park or another like place and watching you do it on doing it on you know the the scale you did i was like oh we can absolutely do it it would take a lot of work it's a lot of work that i would delegate yeah but there's only so much you can do though because like you still got to like make so many fucking choices it was a whole

year of us arguing with each other got it made but it was fucking class although like and we're going to do it every year so fun just the vibe was so good one it it was just like it was just a great atmosphere everyone was just there for a laugh and was really chilled podcast fans when you come together usually are just it was amazing like the vibe it was fucking incredible I think it's the best thing I've ever done in me life was running that festival it was brilliant there was a really funny moment where there's a huge crossover obviously between our fans 100% yeah we for anyone who isn't aware our podcast was birthed out of your where there's a huge crossover obviously between our fans and your fans.

Yeah, for anyone who isn't aware, our podcast was birthed out of your fucking, basically we're a little bit your pre-crum, pre-cum that's dribbled down your leg, innit? Birth chasm. Yeah, we're birth chasm for you. Like we started off the back of the first roast, like we put out our first episode straight after that came

out and then Freddie did that and like, you know, yeah, obviously there's a big overlap in our fan. So yeah, like people were buzzing. So you guys, you had two major tents at the event and one of them was full with like a you and Eshan being on the same bill. It was me, then Eshan, then Rob. And then there was like a bomb scare because you got off and everyone fucked up and I had to host because I was about to go on in the other tent. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There was a few things where we were like,

yeah, we probably should have planned that a bit better. I had to bring on two, I don't know, but two of my comedy heroes to six people who just couldn't be arse moving. I know. And it was like, there was some- They hadn't gone, we're staying for this. They were like, ah, we're not going with every other-

The vast majority of it worked really well. There was a couple of times where we left some world class comedians with dogshit audiences. And that's on us. That's on us. We'll sort that out this year. But yeah, it was just fucking amazing. I can't wait to do it again.

We've got like mad stuff in store this year. We want to go bigger, better, wilder. We're trying to get like circus freaks and stuff this year. I want fire this year is my big thing. I want things exploding. There was a severe lack of explosions last year. So I want more things blowing up. Well, this was the button from when we did the arena.

When we pressed this button, fire happened. So it was so sick. That button was one of the like, when I saw that at the arena show, I was like, these boys are doing it right. We had a meeting about the arena about like three or four months before it Adam our production manager sat with us and then he was like taking us through it all. And he's like, yeah, so obviously we have to

we have to have a 15 minute window for like carefusing stuff. And he's gone through everything. And then he was like, right, do you want a fire button? And we were like, what? And he's like, oh, I'll get you a button where you press a fire comes out. And we were like, immediately that is the priority cost on the show. Everything

else is secondary to yes let's have a fire button. Yeah and you could see the front row because we pressed it a lot. A lot. Because of course you've just been given a fire button for the first time. And we've paid for the gas. And the front row were like oh yeah it got warm. I snuck a quick go on it as well. I was like I'm not even allowed I'm pressing that cunt. Mate it was hot as well it was well. I'm not even allowed. I'm pressing that cunt. Mate, it was hot as well. It was hot. It was fucking hot. My eyebrows were singeing from that cunt. Can't get much hotter than fire. That is true. We can actually.

Where are tickets for Dead Meat available? Deadmen talk pod.com. Get them there. They're flying as well. We've already sold more, far more than we had for the whole capacity last year. Like we're going to be like twice as big this year. Great. Like very much. It's going to be fucking sick. The boys are killing it. Have you got some executive orders? Yeah. Have I? Look, you give me a little bit of-

My jeans are broke again. Right. My first executive order, all jeans are now sideways. That's my first rule. Just to make you feel more at home, mate. What's going on? Your legs are becoming more Polish. Just sort of moving the seat. But it's like, it's to the middle. Is that what Polish people do?

I just, I can, yeah. Some Puma trainers in a Ferrari jacket. It is a ghastly. It's like the top of your jeans turning too. No, because they're turning in. It's turning in. They're both turning in. So it's like not a pivot in the middle. they're both turning in. So it's like not

a pivot in the middle. They're both independently. Yeah. They're normal. Yeah. I mean nearly the ninth one of the world. Gene seems short six to, um, uh. Yeah, yeah, it's my, it's my. I've got fucking loads of these. Like if you want like half thought out opinions that I think should be put into law, I'm your fucking boy. I've got loads of these. So first one, send them all back.

I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. I'm joking, I'm joking. No, generally, my first one, my first executive order, I've come into power, right, I'm straight in. First thing I'm gonna do, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, We'll make that order of business number two. I like it. Congratulations, Adam. You are now my secretary of crisps. Not gay time for my podcast is going to be furious. Fuck you. Crisp sessions. Are you the M and M middle finger? Yeah. Cause I was, I was an edgy white boy in 2003. That's naturally how I go. Keys to the sea. That's the shocker. Right, so gotta give people what they want, right? So what people have been, a lot of people, loudly over the last few years have been calling for the return of national service and I'm in, right? National service is back. But here's the twist. It's for the people who want it. So it's for pensioners. National service, but for pensioners only. They're the ones who were going on about it all the time.

They're always like, bring back national service. And they never fucking did it. You'd have to be like a hundred to have done national service. You fucking didn't. You're just a grumpy old mad arse. And you know what? If your generation's so much tougher than all these young fannies, fucking prove it. Get on a bus to Donbass, you old cunt. I love it. National Service for pensioners. Also the ones that did do it and are like hey we fought the Nazis, we are going to need them to do that again now. Exactly, yeah yeah, if you know how to fight Nazis, there's a South African in America he could do with knocking his head in.

Okay. I mean solid, isn't it? Like get fucking Doris on that. If you want a bus pass, fucking earn it. Yeah, but is every other country sending their OEPs? Otherwise, we're quite fucked, quite quick. Doesn't matter, mate, they're cannon fodder. Like, these are basically just a distraction. I'm not saying they're going to be an effective military unit, but it will thin them out and solve the housing crisis. Like...

This is win-win-win. Also, it's quite cold in Ukraine. That'll thin a few more of them out. And then, like, even if they take out 15 like of the enemy they're still a little bit weaker for when we actually have to start. That's still a net positive yeah and like you know some of the enemy will just kill themselves after being bored by their stories you know that'll be an advantage. You know if you get close enough to bore the enemy with the story the enemy. Just a 79 year old fellow with dementia with a machine on me like, why'd I come in here? The ministry building's like, flash back in, go, go, go! I swear there was something else I was meant to do.

And this is, this is, so this is clearing out all the old people's homes. Yeah, get them, put them to use. They're all bored. They all want to go travel the world. Look, if you want to spend your life on a cruise ship now you're retired, right? Join the fucking Navy. Exactly. All the cruise ships are taking them over. Yeah. Just have to open the biscuit out port. We'll just have to make more. It'll be like, yeah, churn out the biscuits, send them with fucking class. This is it. It's solving so many problems at once. Just the custard cream division. This is not necessarily a problem, but there is another thing that this helps with as well.

Do you know like the long historical homophobic abuse that sailors have suffered? Like if you're seeing if you're a sailor, it's like, oh, you're a bit gay. Apparently that is based in reality. They all fuck each other. It's like prison. Yeah, all of them.

All of them. It's like prison. And it's because there's nothing else to fuck. But if you put loads of old women on them, you just fucked old women. No more gay sailors. And look, just get a lot of old horny old widows on there. There is women in the Navy though. Yeah, there is women in the Navy.

There's like eight. And also they also... They're too busy. And also they go to shore. They dock places. Yeah, each other's arseholes. I think the guys who fuck the other guys on boats are just gay guys. It's not blokes who are like, Oh, I might.

Big percentage of gay men. Yeah. They just go on there because there's other blokes. It's gay guys choose to go on there. It's not blokes who are like, well, it's going to be three weeks we're in port. So I might as well fuck Steve. It's not how he goes. Three weeks. Three weeks. Oh fuck it. I'll get into a bummer. How long off the shore before it looks bad? When you're like, right, we're setting off. Yeah. It looks like that's what you've come for but here's another advantage of it right who hates foreigners more than old

people no one go go shoot a few if you want to kill them civilians just because they're just like oh yeah like brown troops on our side and they're just like they're just be mowing down gherkas i think it's fucking class i like it. I think it's foolproof. Put all people to fucking use. Exactly yeah, get them back. They'll feel useful. It'd be good for them as well. And like they always go on about, oh we survived rationing and we didn't complain. All right, let's see if you don't complain this time. Fucking prove it. Get on. I love it. And you can have the, you'll have the videos, you know, like in America they have all the like the parents going to the school. Yeah they've come back from military service.

When your nan comes back? When your nan comes back, you're like, oh shit. For fuck's sake. Someone comes home from school and they just sniff up and it's just a really good roast and they're like, me nan's back. Oh it's piss. Why does this massive birthday present smell of pins? Because your nan's making a roast.

Mate, you've passed that straight away. Straight away. And look, this is how populist government gets rolling, right? You see, I've made one thing that's very popular and now people are like, this guy's cooking, right? That's what we've got to do. So first one's in, all the nanas are going to war. We've fucking sorted that, right?

Step two. Money back in the crisps. Money in crisps, step two, right? Step three. I remember I won a five or one, you know. Gee, I never won a sore people win. Money in crisps, step two right. Step three, I won a five I want you know. Gee I never won a saw people win. I won a five. Was it walkers? Yeah. Oh mate I used to. It was a little blue, it was like folded into like a little plastic. It was a little blue note with five pounds at most. It was a little square so what we'd go is we'd go into the shop and we'd just crunch all the

packets until you could feel the little square. But some of them were like something else as well. You won a free packet of crisps at least if you've got a square. So you know, it was always a good investment getting the square. I ate a lot of crushed up crisps around that period. The little pogs as well. Yeah, Tazos mate, not pogs. Come on, don't be a fucking savage. You weren't getting pogs in Machito.

Oh, can we have stuff back in cereal as well? Have they stopped there? Yeah, they kept choking children, but you know, grow up. But that's your fault in it. Yeah, exactly, yeah. That's natural selection. Exactly. Yeah. That's natural selection. If you've pulled milk on a pog.

If you've eaten a Hot Wheels car and died, that's on you. Yeah. What? Kids were eating them. Well, they were going to eat them anyway, weren't they? That's a joke. That's why fucking Kinder eggs are illegal now, aren't they? In America.

Kinder eggs are illegal in America. Isn't that mad? AR-14. Kill someone without me. Fucking hell. Yeah, that's the only way to make them legal. If you put a hand grenade inside a chocolate egg, I have 14. So kill someone with that. Me fucking help. That's the only way to make it legal. If you put a hand grenade inside a chocolate egg, that's legal. A little toy car. You're fucked. Tiny plastic. Don't leave that in the kids. So what's your, what's

your next thing I'm going to do? right, my next order of business, daylight savings can suck my dick, right? You know when we change the clocks? We ain't doing that anymore, right? It's gone. Because when we change the clocks, right, in winter and it gets dark and no one sees the sun for six fucking months, right? As far as I understand, the only reason we're doing that is to help farmers.

Set your alarm clock to a different time you come. Why have I got to change my clock? Because of when you get up. When's the last time you changed your clock? I change it every six months like everyone else. Do you think I'm just on my own fucking time? You've got a clock in your house. You wear watches.

What? Yeah, I do have a clock. Set it to a different time. Yeah, that, but like it's your phone usually. Sorry, I didn't realize this was a middle-class affectation that I had. I didn't realize I was such an aristocrat having a clock. You have a clock in your nose. I've got a clock, yeah. Fucking Tony. I've got a clock in your nose. Look at you with your clock. Apart from your phone, what automatically updates? Because I have to change virtually everything else. Yeah, like your car, your oven, the car changes, my car changes, like

what? Ooh la la. Oh, and I'm the fucking fop him with his automatic car change. He's so futuristic. Oh, fucking elbow-toed. It's an automatic. It's a manual car, but the clock's automatic. But are we open it for farmers? You guys have got a clock on you?

You have in your kitchen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's why people have clocks. That's why mine is as well. I might have. This is not outrageous to have our clock in my house. If I had eight, fair enough, be like, that's too many clocks.

I've got one clock. I've got it all different times. They call me Bobby One Clocks. Someone gave me 25 quid. He cried for a week about it. He's so like, no, you have to get this old school. I bought somebody something on my cart and they gave me it in cash.

Do you mean to just set it on fire in front of me? Right. Don't go to a strip club. You'd fucking hate it. Set them on fire. Just tapping, tapping his phone on women's arses. Why do you hate cash so much? Because it's a chance I'll lose it or forget about it. You should say that about anything.

You can't lose it. But then you find it later, like you find it later. That's a great thing. Like I leave like, you know, a fiver in pockets all the time. Then next time I put a coat on six months later, fucking jackpot. Like winning a bet. Yeah. Fucking blast.

A 20 quid left in a pocket. What's your own money? A 20 quid left in a pocket. Like winning a bet. Yeah. Fucking blast. A 20 quid left in a pocket. What's your money? A 20 quid left in a pocket. It's a gift to future you. It's the modern equivalent of a fiver in a packet of crisps. Yeah.

You're doing it for yourself. Yeah, it's a little treat for future you. I found 60 quid yesterday in one coat pocket cause I was going through me wardrobes to like throw some clothes away and put them on Vincent and stuff. And I just went like that, 60 quid. Oh.

Is your money though? Yeah, but it's- But I forgot about it. It's money that doesn't exist cause you've forgotten about it. It's free money. Oh, your money though. Yeah, but it's not about it. It's money that doesn't exist cause you've forgotten about it. It's free money. Oh, you forget how much money you've got. Yeah, I occasionally will forget about a fiver. If you forgot about a sandwich.

Let's say me and you went to Derek's today and you had half a sandwich. And like we went back to yours and you put that in the fridge, right? And then we went out for the rest of the day and had a couple of pints. And you got back and opened your fridge And there was a Derek sandwich there like I have a Derek sandwich just waiting for you in the fridge that you'd forgot about

You're like fuck off lad free buddies. It's amazing. It's a digital version of giving me a Derek sandwich I'd rather you sent the money to me banking. You know, I haven't got a time. I got you If I just send put it in me bank, I just don't like having cash. This is making me feel like a fucking boomer. No, because I will just lose it. It's on you. I know, so don't do it. What place is that a cash only?

Where? Car washes. Shoes. Flea markets. Sketchy bars. Those are two places right off the top. That's pretty good going. That is pretty good.

Shoes or Chayous as we call it. That's cash only. That doesn't make any... There you go. Just save all your fucking little drop-tees in. Chaius tokens. Yeah. Which one? Choose as well.

I know I've said that but... Which one are you sticking to? The summer one. The summer one. Right, because like what happens in Britain is like if you work in an office you don't see the sun for six months. Like as soon as the clocks change, like it's dark when you go to work. It feels like it's dark at like quarter to four.

It's dark when you go to work and it's dark when you leave. So you just don't see the fucking light at all. And that's bullshit. Right. So I'm proposing a much simpler system, right. A much simpler system than changing the clocks like once a year and it's all getting a bit like jet lagged with it and it being weird or what. What I think we should do is instead change the clocks every day. Right. Now we, because we've all got computers and we're like you've rightly said, everyone just uses their phone and what all that we can have this update in every day now rather than 24 hours in a day that's confusing and it's a lot of

numbers to remember I think we just have like four stuff like four sections and one of them is as long as it's dark for so what time is would it be now ah two because we're awake is we're in section two. It's much simpler. How do we know when section two is done? Because you get told on your phone it'll go beep beep beep. So what happens if I want to meet you three hours into section two? There you go. You've just said that. Perfect. I'll see you at three past two. It's really simple. It's really simple. Because what you're going to work,

your work, it's much simpler. Your work day is going to be a third of the day, right? But it's only the time you're awake. So the day is split into four. It's very simple. Put a third of the day as your work day. Not of the time you're awake. Well that isn't complex numbers. This is very simple.

This is very simple, Adam. Right, one unit is when it's dark, right? That's one hour, right? Is the dark time. That's one hour. Okay, the dark time. The dark time. That's one hour. Okay. The dark time. The dark time. It's dark o'clock.

So that obviously flexes depending on where in the area. Go on, it's bedtime, it's section one. It's section one, it's time for bed. Time for bed. So that's when it's dark time. Showing section four. It's dark, yeah, that, all right. That can be, we can work on the section names later.

Right? You're in the weeds here, mate. I'm not in the weeds, it's very simple. It's a very simple idea. So one section is going to be sleepy time when it's dark. One section is going to be worky time. And you've got two sections to yourself. You've got two sections you can do whatever you want with.

When do them sections come in? Have you finished your work at five o'clock? I don't know. We need to have a town hall discussion to work out the finer details of it. I think it's a very simple plan. I think I can make this work. Here we go.

Like your basic idea. Right. Okay, how about this? Every single day, it is 6 a.m. when the sun rises. This is what I'm talking about. So you changed the, oh, so you changed-

This is why your head of crisps. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm getting my representative in here. The sun comes up at 6 a.m. every day. But we'll call it one. We'll call it one, cause why is it six? That's stupid. We're starting again. It's one. But then in winter it's going dark at quarter two. Yeah and then we're going home. We're not working. We're not working. So listen. People work too much. Go

home. Go to sleep. It's dark. It is illegal to make people work for the first or last hour of sunlight. So even in the winter everyone, even if you work in an office, gets two hours of sunlight a day. You are doing some long shifts in the summer though. No, you don't have to work for all of that. You're only working for like a third of the day. Why don't we just change, just knock everything back? Why does it have to be like 6am? Let's make it light at 9am and then knock the everything back. Why does it have to be like 6 a.m.? Let's make it light at 9 a.m.

and then knock the daylight back. Let's shift it around to work with the light better. Rather than going, oh, this is better for farmers to sow their fucking turnips or whatever they're fucking doing. I don't give a shit. Like, sow your turnips. We're in the pocket of big turnips. Brent got rid of daylight savings in 1968.

And three years later- Summer of love. There was- Dude, ultimately he's fucking- Everyone's supposed to shag it. Yeah. Almost none of the time. There, summer of love. There was, there was a shagging line. I don't care how dark it is. Do you know what time it was? I'm going to shake it all section long. Fuck time mate.

So people got so depressed and there was a lot of kids getting hit by cars. So they brought it back. I'm saying the opposite though. Correlation is not causation. That wasn't to do with correlation. Correlation is not causation. That was not to do with visibility. That was depressed. I'm saying we move into the one where there's more evening sunshine. If kids get hit by cars, that's their fucking fault, innit?

That's what I'd say. Loads of kids get run over. Change the clocks. That'll do something. That'll change. Put that on narrow forward. Watch it all stop. Also, national speed limit past schools.

You know, Timmy's been knocked over. The fucking farmers. And that's the thing, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I That'll change. Aaaaaah! Chief, put that a now and forward. Watch it all stop. Also national speed limit past schools. The old Chief has been knocked over! The fucking farmers! It hasn't all stopped, Mr President. Ah, most of them have stopped.

Even a goat. It's half five now and it will be half six. He's not dead. Okay, I feel like I may have overreached with my second one. I feel like first one was universally popular. It's all good, I loved it. Right, here's one that I'm very passionate about, it's another order of business I've got right. From now on, ticket sales don't start at 9am. I am fucking sick of things going on sale. It's fucking stoners mate, he's just can't be

asked. He's not getting out of bed. Yes, yes, exactly. And who do you want at your fucking gig? Oh yeah, all the most organised people who get up early and on time. That's who we want out enjoying things. This is why Glastonbury's shit is full of people who can plan a year in advance and queue properly. You're rewarding boring cunts. It's the same as having tables booked in pubs. You've got a pub full of people who are organised and boring and dull.

You've got spreadsheet cunts in your fucking pub and you've ruined it. Tickets go on sale at midday for fun people. So it doesn't start till midday? Exactly! Nothing's happening at midday. And it's dark until midday. Let's start section one at midday. I'm putting my money where my mouth is. February 21st, midday, my talk goes on sale.

Rob, come on. Yes! Come on. Come on, that's how we fucking do it. That is funny. It'd be really funny if no one bought tickets until 9 o'clock on the 27th. Just to prove a point.

But I really feel this about this. You're like, I hate that in order to go do something fun at night I have to get up early six months in advance, that's stupid. Why are we rewarding that for fun activities? We need to reward the fun people and make sure fun people can go. Love it. I do like it, I want to argue with it because it's my natural instinct with everything, but I do like it.

I think it's pretty inarguable, why is it 9am for gigs? It's mental. One of the first executive orders I put through is like hotel breakfast, go till like 1, 2, 2am. Oh man, you're fucking 100%. I get it that some people are up early and have jobs and stuff, but just don't force that on us. Check out midday. It's got to be midday.

I think hotel check out should be 20 hours after I check in. That's fair. You get four. I'm checking in at 6 p.m. at night. I'm having it till 2 p.m. the next afternoon. And when they're like, oh, we need fucking six hours to clean the rooms. How about you hire twice as many cleaners and then fuck off?

Job creation. Yeah, job creation. I'm creating jobs. I'm out here, you know? I mean, look, right, we're back on track. We're cooking. I really like the ticket one. It's a good one, isn't it?

What a way to wrap it up. Yeah. Oh, also, right, I've got one more executive order. Rita Ror has got to show me her fanny. What a way to wrap it up. That's my last one. Is that the one? That's my last one.

That's the law. Yeah, yeah. I just want to have a look. I bet it's great. The law. It's the law. It's the law now. If you want to send in your executive orders,

haveawordpod.gmail.com or Patreon for that VIP post treatment. Cappell Powe says, fucking Cappell Powe with a shout out. He's not been there. Wag wag lids, got an executive order for you. If somewhere has two escalators, one going each way, and then one of them stops working, they have to set the working one to go up. That's good.

I hear you, but like, I'm just reminded that Mitch Hedberg joke in it, like escalators can't be out of order, they can only become stairs. So like, there isn't a problem, just fucking walk up some stairs. I think that's what he's saying is though, he'd rather be walking downstairs than up. Yeah, but you know, if he's that concerned about walking up some stairs, he probably fucking needs it. Also, why is walking up or down an escalator so much worse than walking up steps? Because you've got these waiting in it.

It's the little wobble. They're dead big. And there's a little wobble. There's a little tiny, barely perceptible wobble to them that makes you feel unstable. And they're just ever so slightly taller that makes it. They're about one and two thirds of a stair, I think. And they're made out of shark teeth, so if you misjudge it yeah no sharp as fuck though if you ever like why are you walking in your socks I need to stop going on escalators

in my socks no wonder my back's been bad I going to reject this on grounds that it is fat. It is a fat guy move though. And Cahill, I've met him, he's not a fat guy. Right. Well stop acting fat. Yeah. Get your steps in, brother. No that's a fat thing. Measuring your health in steps is a fat person move.

Have you ever heard a thin person tell you how many steps they've done? I don't listen to thin people, they're boring. Yes Rob. Yeah. they've done. I don't listen to them people, they're boring. Yes, Rob. Harry H says, remove the watershed on TV and radio for swearing. You should be allowed to say whatever you want, would make radio and the news so much better. I just don't think swearing should be a problem at any point ever. On CBeebies maybe not. I don't care. Yeah. But like surely that has to be. Daddy, you've made me look alright, can't you?

I just don't know why it's a problem. I was splashing around in muddy fucking puddles. We're sort of playing like an old hit here. I just don't know why it's a problem. If I ever get like a child of mine come home from school and it's like, oh, he said bastard at school. I was like, well, who was he calling a bastard and what were you taking for that?

You got to teach them to swear well. And I think part of the art of swearing is doing it contextually well. You got to do it in the right situation. And if you teach them from an early age, get it on CBeebies, they're going to know how to swear. Yeah, that's fair. But we all grow up swearing in the end,

so we're waiting for them. Yeah. So can't wait for the series of Postman, Fucking Pat. Yeah. Everyone's going to go. And some kids are little cunts, aren't they? You know? Also, Postman, Fucking Pat will get more viewers,

because you'd watch it. That was literally a YouTube, that was one of the first viral videos where someone just swore all over Postman Pat. Do you remember that? That was dead good. Oh, Jess, you've pissed on all my letters, you little sh-cat cunt.

I watched that a hundred times when I was 13 and laughed so hard. I approve of this one, I like it. In, Cappell Pows. He's in again. Wow, pow. The double pow. Sapnin Boys, executive order for you.

If a company is refunding you money, they should have to return the money as quickly as they take it. Yeah, because they're using the money for interest, aren't they? I think they're waiting for it to process in the air bank. That'll be back in three days. Hannah Chapman, my executive order. If you fail your driving test three times, you're never ever allowed to drive in your life. Three is enough chances.

You're either shy at driving or too nervous to pass and therefore shy. No, sometimes I'm rejecting this one. I like it. Sometimes you get a cunt of an instructor who's just trying to tick their clothes. Three times in a row, do you, Adam? No, you passed third time.

I had it twice. You passed the third time that didn't you? I did. Yeah. There you go. You're in. Yeah. But no, but I, like I could have had that happen again. Well, bad luck on my fucking second driving test. We were coming towards like a crossing and the lights went Amber and genuinely the front

of my car was stopped here. And the lights were where that bar is behind you. Right. And the woman was like, and I went, have I failed? She was like, I can't answer that question on such a busy road. So as the lights went green, we went the hundred yards through the lights

and round the corner, pulled up on a side road. She's like, yeah, you have failed. I was like, why? And she was like, you were failing to stop the car. So I had to stop the car. I was like, yeah, but you stopped the car with 25 yards to go, which means I probably could have stopped the car couldn't I? And she was like well I don't think you were stopping in time and I went right let's just go back to the

exam centre then she went we can't do that you're not insured to drive the car so either we can finish the test or we can get out here and wait for your instructor to come and pick the car up and drive us back. And I went, okay, we'll finish the test. And at the end of the road, she was like, turn left. And I just turned right. Cause I knew the way back to the test center. I drove all the way back to the test center, ignoring any instructions. When we got to the test center, she went, and now I want you to do a reverse park. And obviously I just went straight nose in and she was like, what are you doing? I told you to do a reverse park. I was like, I'm obviously not listening to you, am I?

Actually you've passed now. Yeah. Oh, so I'm gonna go to here again. Yeah. I'm now not allowed to drive ever. Yeah. No, your executive order is rejected. I passed first time, it's dead easy.

Stop being an idiot. It's really easy. First time drivers are the worst. Yeah, I stopped my car at the lights. I could do that. I didn't need to press the brakes for me. Oh dear. I managed that very easily. Are you not a first time?

I'm all right with an amendment to this. You get another go in 10 years. Like I think ever's too much, but there is a point. When people are like, oh, it took me eight goes to pass my test. Get off the fucking road. Like fuck off. Oh, by the way, if you've sent in all pensioners should have to retake the test. We've had it a million times. I think it's too much. They're too busy fighting the fucking Taliban. Over 75s. They can't retake the test. They're in Taiwan. I think you should have to take your test every 10 years, but it shouldn't be instructors. It should just be three, like a jury of your

peers should have to get in the car. One in the front, two in the back and they decide whether you're a good enough driver. How about this, when you're driving, right, because we've all got smartphones now, right, when you drive past someone you're allowed to give them a strike if they get bad driving and if there's a certain amount of strikes you get off other people. I don't think you should be bowling while you're driving. out of strikes you get off other people. I don't think you should be bowling while you're driving. What? That's a really good point. See that is dangerous driving. Yeah that is yeah yeah if you're throwing a bowling ball around your car that is dangerous yeah. There's all these pins under the fucking

under the pedals I can't. Block the brakes. Yeah I got a strike guy on me. No more. No more. No more. Rob Mulholland, plug your podcast, plug your tour, plug your socials. Yeah, thanks. Podcast is Dead Men Talking, it's me and a big fat coat boy. Also, yeah, I'm on tour. It's going to be like February 21st, midday, I'm putting them on sale.

Like genuinely, thank you boys. I've had loads of messages of people saying you've been really nice about my standup lately on the pod. That's really fucking nice. Rob, you are on fire. When did you do Fiends with me in Hull? Yeah, I'm going on Ports Hull social. And I came back and went, fuck me more, Hull. I got a message going, Dan, I love your standup

and that was a great night. Rob More Holland is one of the best sets I've ever seen. Oh, mate, that one was so fun. And then Adam worked with you a couple of months ago. New Zealand, yeah, you've roofed their phone. Yeah, like I'm just, I'm feeling good at the moment. I'm really enjoying what I'm doing. It's having the podcast. You guys know it freed me up.

It means I just don't give a shit anymore because I don't need to impress a promoter or whatever. I'm just doing what I want to do fully. I'm having so much fun. And yeah, I'm doing like a 30 day tour this year, going fucking all over the place. It's one of the least glamorous tours of all time. It's fucking Stoke and, you know, darling. Tim, are they class shows? Yeah, it's going to be well fun. I'm proper looking forward of all time. It's fucking Stoke and, you know, Darling. Tim, are they class shows? Yeah, it's going to be well fun. I'm proper looking forward to it.

Is it not just Stoke and Darling? No, no, you see, 30 shows, just those two places. No, it's all at robcomedy.com. Get the tickets. Like I said, midday, February 21st. It'll be fucking good to see some lids out there. Can I? Yeah. Please just explain to everyone what Cote Boy is, because I think it will really help with what you're trying to do with it.

So basically what happened, I'll explain it very quickly. Freddie Quinn very helpfully brought my coat back to me when we were having lunch, and because he was holding a coat, I said, thank you Coatboy, and he looked annoyed. And then we went and recorded a podcast where we did an hour and a half of coat jokes, and now he cannot do anything without every single comment being, coats, you love coats, coat boy, coat boy. Someone sent a box of coats to their studio. Yeah, we got, we got 15 coats sent to the studio in one box

and made him open the ball. It's fucking insane. I love the fact that people will be going to Dead Meat in coats just to wind him up. Yeah, we're having the best coat competition this year. Like people turn up to our live shows in like fancy coats to bait him. I love that. It's so funny. He only told me about this last night.

Mate, he's so loving. Also one of the Genesis things of Have A Weird was who the fuck is that guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Freddie Quinn. And he's finally half shaken that off. He's started to tail down, you know, it's a little bit quiet.

He still gets them every now and again. But just as that tailed off coat boy's taken off and he's ruined him. So there you go. If you want to DM Freddie Quinn or like Coatboy lad, that'll do. Just write lolcoat under anything. I just tweeted the word coat with no context the other day and it got a load of retweets. It's been fucking great seeing you all though boys. Thanks for having me. Finn, anything you want to talk about?

Yeah, I'm just going to take my time with the song this week. Oh, I've got some tickets left. February the 13th at uh creatures. I'm doing a Dan Nightingale of Friends new bits. Uh the ticket link there's about 20 tickets left. Danny McLaughlin is closing that one. The ticket link will be in the description. I've got some tickets left on the same night in Liverpool. Oh my god. Pick your favorite. But it's two different places. Unlike tonight where we're doing shows in the same city and it's still worked out. Yeah. Just the lid to sound. Hot water comedy.co.uk has got loads on but it's quicker and easier to go via my website

adamrow.co.uk slash shows. There's some tickets left for the 13th of Feb. The line up is quite ridiculous for the 13th of Feb and for all them actually, but this week in particular, I'm really happy with it. So go on. We've got a tune. It was actually, this one wasn't sent in. It was a guy, I went to the cabin last night with a mate and the guy that was on was great.

So I went up to him at the end and said, I work on a podcast. He went, have a word. Yep. So I said, can we play your tune? And it's a guy called Martin Quinn and it's called What If It's Raining and it's really good. Nice. What if it's raining? Wear a coat from a Quinn. Nice. That is mad. The world comes unstuck Seeing your face alone And wishing I hadn't come

But is it like, what if it's raining? I guess you can tell I'm not trying to make it Where do we go? I guess it's time that everyone knows Ooh, save it all Ooh, save it all They say all our lives we'll never know They say all our thoughts are in control What is it like, what if it's raining? How does it sound when everyone's going for it? I'm gonna go. Who do I lose? To me, wherever you go, my love

Who do I lose? To me, wherever you go, my love What is it like? What if it's raining? My love, I guess you can tell I'm not trying to make you go My love