Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #316 with Micky Bartlett - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: February 17, 2025

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our brand new website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comDan's Anthems: https://www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Liverpool/Content/DANS-ANTHEMS---HAW-Dance-All-Dayer-4pm---10pm/40595747/Comedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's Karaoke Party: https://skiddle.com/e/40472096Pre-Save Round Here (Taken from the India Special): https://finnlayk.lnk.to/RoundHereAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordGrab your EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal by going to nordvpn.com/haveaword. Get 4 bonus months when you purchase a 2 year plan. It’s completely risk free with Nord’s 30 day money-back guarantee!Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Merch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it and I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. What's happening lids? How are we? Adam here. Hope you're all good. I've added some shows. I'm starting to work out again,

trying to get my new hour together and on top of appearing at loads of different comedy clubs over the next few months, I'm going to be running my new 30 to 45 minutes of stuff at some Adam Rowe and Friends shows. They're all on my website, adamrode.co.uk. There's seven shows at the minute listed in Liverpool. They are on the 6th of February, the 13th of February, the 12th and 13th of March. And the 13th of February and the 12th and 13th of March have two shows each night as well. I've got some unbelievable lineups booked for them. Got some of my best mates in comedy. Some people you wouldn't expect to come and do these shows, very, very excited. But I'm also adding shows in Manchester on the 11th of April, they are on sale right now on my website.

And after that, we're adding Belfast, we're adding Dublin, Newcastle, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Birmingham and London are all to come. So if you go to adamroad.co.uk, there will be some shows listed and whatever are on there right now are on sale and there is more to come. So keep checking. And if you want me to come anywhere closer to you, let me know. I'm very excited.

I'm really excited to get back to work. And on top of all of that, of course we've got the Murderers Row Tour coming up. Haveawaredpod.com for tickets to that. There's also exclusive Murderers Row merch that you can get on the same website. That's haveawaydpod.com. And as always, patreon.com slash haveawaydpod for an extra episode every week, early access to these public episodes and access the entire back catalogue of Patreon exclusive and Patreon specials including the India special, the India Bike Ride Challenge special which is released very soon patreon.com slash have a word pod. Enjoy this episode, we've just finished recording

it and it is one of my favourite for ages. See you soon, love you all, even the crying arses. Stop moaning. Have a word brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below the waist groomer. Go Ed, get on me. Hello everyone. Welcome to the Have a Word podcast. If the tape of what we say into the microphone before an episode ever gets released. Whoa, that's not a patron exclusive we can do, is it? What do you mean? The things. What do you mean? The things. You mean when I say awful things and say this just before you press record to make you start an episode by giggling? Yeah it's awful but it has to be awful because we're all broken aren't we? You broke me. We are broken. We have broke you. I know but I'm a I was fucking pussy. I'm still a bit of a pussy, but I'd like to see it

as toughening up. Thicken your skin. Mm. How is everyone, all right? I'm a little, I'm like refusing to be hungover. Okay. I've decided I'm not, but I am a bit. I did have eight glasses of wine

and three cocktails last night and three pints earlier in the day. But you went to bed at a decent time. Midnight. See, I think that at a decent time. Midnight. See, I think that makes a big difference. I think a lot of times when people are like so hung over, you're also sort of battered from lack of sleep. Yeah, I slept from 12 till half six, woke up

and my body was like, it's time to get up. And I was like, no. So I sort of forced to sleep back in until eight o'clock. And then I've got home and I've fucking bombed it home from the Lake District, took 12 minutes off the clock as well. Ooh. That's a wit. 12 minutes of an under two hour journey.

Fuck off. Did you ever have a TomTom? Did you, were you driving by the, when did you start driving about 2017? 18 I think. 2018. We didn't have TomTom, we had, as it was built in. So Tom Tom, when it turned up, I think I got mine in 2005 and it made driving to gigs so much easier, but

it like, it was a really wild guess. They were like, ah, it's back from London. That's gotta be four and a half hours. And you quickly learned that if you just did a decent speed, you could chop 45 minutes off the TomTom journey. And it made you more dangerous as a driver because you're like, let's see if we can get this down by an hour. Did you have one of the funny voices? Do you have like Ozzy Osbourne reading your directions?

Justin Morehouse for a bit. Did you actually? Yeah. Justin Morehouse was a downloadable option on TomTom. Why? Why didn't you just take him in the car and he could do it? Well, it was just because he was one of the few people I've been doing stand up about two or three years and he was, he was on key 103 or whatever it was, the Manchester station. He was doing like the breakfast show and was doing all the time through when I started stand up. Basically he'd

done a Phoenix nights had got a bit of celebrity and they'd asked him to do the Tom Tom directions. And I downloaded, I maybe had him for two journeys and then found it too annoying. I remember Manford had a really good joke about his Mrs. being like, oh, if you're ready, you can sort of program it with like your own voice or someone else's, why don't I do yours for you?

Manford said, cause I don't want me Tom Tom saying it was that last left. Very good. Um, yeah. Went to the Lake district. It was my, uh, Mrs. Bate, the SD went to long club, long club. You love long club. Don't long club.

The club. I call it the club. That's the best food I've ever had. And I don't think you'd have tried a single dish I think every single dish would have been progressively a more intense damn versus food But you know Could be interesting if we get to 120,000 patrons. I reckon we might be able to afford that damn versus food It was too much money. Yeah, it was too much money. Yeah, I didn't expect it to be that much

Well, the thing is about big Sue's, she's an attractive woman. Big Sue's, you got to feed her. You need 15 courses. She needs feeders. You got to feed Big Sue's. You going with Big Sue's? I think I'm trying to change it up. Shug night? The fourth course was a sliced pickled beetroot on top of mackerel pate. I think the semen that

ejaculated from me would have been the problem. It was one of the nicest things that's ever been in my mouth. So, Dan, if we, if we just said different words for that and you tried it and liked it, how would you feel? So what do you mean different words? Because he said mackerel pate, you would say, but if you said like, oh, it's just a, I don't know a hand job while you're kissing nipples. Yeah. Yeah. But then it's not what I mean.

That sounds bad, doesn't it? And then you taste it and probably like because it was good food. Does that not make you feel that you're just a stupid person for just listening to the words? No, you see the problem with me and food is not the words. Do you know what I mean? You sure it looked pretty? Oh, it looked pretty. Oh it looked pretty

and it probably tasted. You can only barely see the beetroot as well. The mackerel was fucking underneath. I didn't mean to put shadows. Oh that's his worst mate. Oh that's a surprise fish. Surprise mackerel. Don't worry Dan it's cheese on toast. Mackerel surprise. Mackerel surprise. It's just the words Dan you know. Just think of it as Yuri Djorkaeff's overhead kick for Inter Milan in 1998. Oh, brilliant. It tastes lovely now. No, it's fucking mackerel under beetroot. No, but if you went, that's lovely and just tried it and you liked it. Yes, I know. Listen, this is well charted, isn't it? I'm a spanner with food, but mackerel

is one of them sneaky little fish, isn't it? What? What do you mean?, isn't it? What? What do you mean? What do you mean? What's a sardine? What are you talking about? I think mackerel and sardine is... It's just another fish.

Oh, is it? You're thinking they're both tinned. You can get both of them in tins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wasn't tinned. It wasn't. I don't think so. I don't... You don't know.

I don't think so. You shouldn't be. Yeah. Right. I don't trust them. Hang on. So because you don't like a tin sardine, you wouldn't try mackerel. I'm not going to be miles off, am I? There's going to be a fishy little twat. It's very fishy. Mackerel is very fishy. It sounded bad, didn't it? As was the seafood chowder that the cod came in. A seafood chowder with cod in. Yeah. Or the chowder came in the cod. No, there was a lovely piece of cod that was smoked, cured and cooked. And you know what a chowder is? And it was in a bit of, it was in a clam chowder and that was very

fishy. Let me guess what a chowder is. Somewhere between fish soup and scouse. No, it's not like it's more of like a fish dew. A what? A fish zhuuu. Oh, I thought it was a jake crime. Fishy little dew. There you go. Just to underline what we were saying. Well, I don't trust any of it.

Class. I don't really remember the desserts because, um, because you were too pissed on mackerel. Well on the, so when we got to, uh, Cartmel, which is the lovely little town that the restaurant is in, and it does feel like the fella who started this restaurant was like, I could buy a restaurant or I could take all of that money and buy an entire town in the Lake District

and then we'll just run all of it. Got races on there, can't mail races, that sounds right. Two of the shops in the town are Simon Rogan's shop. Simon Rogan. Love him. The little hotel we stayed in, that was his. The breakfast place this morning that we had, which was included with the in, that was his. The breakfast place this morning that we had, which was included with the hotel, that was his.

And the restaurants obviously is. Boar, so we got there early-ish, went to pub. We went to a pub on the way, had a pint of Guinness, went to a pub and we got there, had a pint of Guinness, went and got ready, had two glasses of champagne each as we were getting ready. And then- This is a hell of a Wednesday, by the way.

Yeah. And it, yeah. I was going to say, and it was a Tuesday, but it wasn't, it wasn't Wednesday. I'm hungover. And then on the way to the restaurant, we were a little early. So we are at a pint of birra moretti sale di mare, which is a pint of Maretti with salt in. Now I didn't put the salt in it. I haven't gone fully mental.

That's how you ruin someone's bevy at the pub. If you eat it, it really adds a little stank to it. It's nice. Hang on. Is that a brood like that? Or they put the salt in afterwards? No, it's a new type of Maretti. So they had two pumps.

They had two pumps. One was bit of Maretti and one was bit of Marettati sale di mare. And it means it's got a sprinkle of Italian sea salt. I'm into it. Yeah. I know like LA at the minute, there's a lot of salty wine they're making. That's the new thing. He keeps commenting on people's comments.

Like the dirty wine. I'm into it. Everything I try with salt in, you know, it's good. Caramel. What's the cocktail I'm thinking of that's got salt on the outside? Margaritas. Yeah. And then we sat down and the fellow was like, right, before we give you the wine options,

would you like a little aperitif? Like a little cocktail to start? And I was like, get me a niggeroni. Ooh, right? So I had that. Then the food came with a wine parent. So there's 15 courses of food. You get eight glasses of wine. So it's basically 15 courses. Yeah. So like a big full plate is like only little like nipples of food though. 15 nipples. Yeah. More boobs. You get the moose

bouche. What? Does you get the moose bouche to start? What are these words? I think they're free things. A little scram. Yeah. Oh, so 16- This is all us. This is our new- No, no, the amuse bouche is part of the courses. How many plates have these guys got? A lot.

15? Yeah. Yeah. So eight glasses of wine. I had a Negroni a Boulevardier and an old-fashioned in accompaniment with all of that And when I woke up this morning and could see I was like I've done quite well here And then I was like there's a hangover that keeps trying to fucking get me today And I'm just like no sir no sir. I've had a lot of fluid. You know I've got I'm being productive Yeah, I've seen you you're not a laptop I've got, I'm being productive. I've seen you.

You've been on a laptop. I don't know. You were on a laptop before, the blue one. He was on a laptop so long, he had to plug it in. Do you know what I've learned? Writing things down, life changing.

You know, if you write things down, you remember to do them. Do you? Oh God, yeah. I bought a planner. Is it you? Ooh. Where's that from?

TikTok shop. Oh, okay. Bought a planner, Oh, where's that from? TikTok shop. Okay. Bought a planner. Been writing everything down. Are you writing your thoughts and feelings? No, it's not a fucking... A journal. Yeah.

Didn't you start journaling? Yeah, I just thought that. I did, yeah. This is it. Boring. I already know what happened, why am I writing that down? I just remembered it. The next eight days are going to be so organised until you lose it. Boredom. This is it. I don't even know what happened, why I'm writing that down. I just remembered it. The next eight days are gonna be so organized until you lose it.

If that is still in your life in three weeks, I'll be mad. If somewhere in there isn't, don't lose this. This is good stuff, Adam. This is writing stuff down. And like physically as well. Not on your phone, cause he does that. And I do find it helps.

I'm also trying to stop scrolling. Oh, I get the shit ripped out of me for that diary but it really helps. I do think it helps. Whenever I catch myself scrolling, I'm like, no! I'm putting my phone down. It's cut me poo time in half. You haven't got IBS, you just got TikTok.

You pooing faster? No, like normally I just forget that I'm sat in the toilet. I'm just like fucking. How can you forget? Oh, come on. Chilling on the toilet is one of the best times to chill. I know, but him. What do you mean? Well, what you've done. Yeah, but my poo to me doesn't smell any worse than yours does to you. No, I just... If you do a poo and you go, whoa, sudden trunk. I hate you people say that shit stinks. You're like, shut up, shit. Obviously, I wonder what the science behind like people liking this

man has their own fart is. Because I'm a basket man. Yeah, I love my own fart. Sure, pheromones in it. It's like pissed like when dogs piss on lampposts in it. You're just like marking your territory by boffing. You know, but yeah, but dogs don't piss all on the post and sit there like. Finn's got the facts. It's, it's really boring. We've just got used to it.

That's proper boring. I was expecting something more fun than that. You just get, I just get used to your own body odor. It's something to do with evolution. So you don't, so you don't get scared. That's what the scientists have written in the social revolution. So you don't get scared. It's something to do with evolution. So you don't, so you don't get scared. So you don't get scared. You don't get scared of your own poos. So you don't do a fart and go, what the fuck was that? No, hang on. No one's shocked by this. Oh my God. No, no. It's so you don't smell it and go, Oh, I'm dying. Really bad farts. You go, fuck me. Wow. But you still like the, they're the best days.

Like, I know it's awful. Like when I smell one, I'm like, that's not too bad. And then others, I'm like, that is bad. And I was like, ah, another article on iRead. So you're trying to be more productive then? You are being more productive. Trying. Let's just stick with it kid. Write stuff down, get up, have a coffee, go for a walk, do your daily planner. Have you linked it into the calendar on the wall? I mean, that's the next step, isn't it? Linked it in. No, I mean, I know you go up and go, oh, hang on, that's in,

cause that will be the optimum. I'm doing it day by day. It's, here's what I'm doing today. Oh, it's a to-do list. It's not like a diary, but what is it? It's not like a, what do you forgot to model's thing? Yeah. What do you mean?

What do you think? I've also got a weekly bit in it. Oh yeah. But I'm only doing that once a week. All right. Well, he's going to be shut up the day before. Hang on, are you just writing things down that you've done? I'm doing that as well.

All right. So like if I pay a couple of invoices, I'm like fucking write that down. Well done. Well done, well. All right. So like if I pay a couple of invoices, I'm like fucking write that down. Well done. Well done. Well done. 2023 invoices paid. I'm nowhere near them.

He's pre-COVA still. I'm still paying three 9-11 invoices. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now.

I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine's now. I'm taking Loss out on Valentine'sone. I'm taking Loz out on Valentine's night. First out, first Valentine's night out ever. At night out?

We've got, for a meal. You going to the club? You know Laura, she led a club. Why didn't you come to Dubs then? She, what? Why didn't you go to Dubs?? What? Why didn't you book on to dubs? Because that's a weekender in it and we're out of babysitting options. I've got a theory, you know.

We can pay some motherfuckers. I've got a theory. I think Laura really wants to come to all of the stuff we ever arrange and I think he tells us she's not allowed and then he tells us she doesn't want to come. What, because she's boring? No. I love Laura. She's genuinely actually funny. Yeah. Tell her that. Of course she is. No but I mean you like her, she's really social, she hangs out with us. When she's around us she's fucking great. Yeah. I think you're hiding it from us. Yeah. I think you're telling

her she's not welcome. The lads don't want you there. I don't trust her around you. You're too sexual. What have you written in your journal? Fucking touch Laura's tit. That's for tomorrow. I'm not doing it next week. That's your yearly plan. No, she does get socially anxious and it does take a lot out of her. Touch her tit this year.

I love her boobs. I'm gonna miss it when they go. So where are you taking her? Go on, tell us about your little plan. I'm just taking it. I just thought it was noteworthy. Like our 12th Valentine's night, nearly, maybe 11th. And we've never gone out before on Valentine's evening, but I was free and we're going to Dublin

the next day. We got a babysitter taking her out right, seven o'clock table. So she's, you know, we're not eating too late, not a big fan of a nine o'clock munch. Anyone? So seven o'clock and then, you know, the club because although, no, because you know guys, you know women and obviously you know Laura, you like her and you're like, ah, the lads say your social anxiety is a load of shite. Get a frock on, we're going to the club. And the best bit is we're going to an Indian restaurant. Now who doesn't want to be doing onion bargy bloated farts in the club? And the best bit is we're going to an Indian restaurant. Now who doesn't want to be doing onion bhaji bloated farts in the club? Everyone.

Every mother of two. Do you know if you went to the club with that and you started doing a bit of salsa on the dance floor, she'd be like, you sexy cat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got to bat off all those other slags, haven't I? Other slags? That's the thing about romance, isn't it?

Other? Other? Oh. He's called your own wife a slag. If you got in there and was doing all that... You know, salsa. Well I'm sat down... Stand up, stand up.

What? Hang on. Do you just did the theme tune for something? Was that Sex in the City? All this gear. And you can hold the drinks at the same time. Hey! Finish your mango lassie girl. We're going to the club. Oh, this is in the restaurant. No, I'm on the club.

Yeah, warm her up. Warm her up. Get the fucking bill. Yeah, but then she'd be like, oh, you're being sexy tonight, Dan. I think you could talk Lauder into going to clubbin. Right. I think you need to just build it up. You got 24 hours. Listen, I'd like some help. How am I? So you can't, you can't you okay? The hangover just knocked on the door again, didn't it? my head feels warm. Don't tell her.

Don't tell women about the club. Take them hostage. That's it. All women love a good kidnapping. Come on, take us to Rosie's. Nice. No, you walk in past the club and they're like, why are you this shit? Can we go in here for this shit?

Oh, there you go. And then go in and go, just get me a drink. So hang on. You queue up for Rosie roses. You pay in. Go to the top floor and then you go in the toilet for 20 minutes. How much is that going to cost with Boggoblins? Here's what you do. Is it time thing? Tonight. Yeah. Right. Go to roses tonight. On a Wednesday. What's Rosie's by the way? It's the, it's where Pop World is in Chester.

Pop World is in Rosie's. Okay. It's like a crazy house sort of vibe, it's like three different floors, different music, you know? The Bear Globe. Not good club. Go to Rosie's tonight, speak to the doorman. Give him a little fucking dropsy.

500 quid. Bit of meat, bit of meat. Bit of meat. Five tons of lamb chops. Five hundred quid. Just be like... Alright, Dan, what do you need? A shit. Here's some meat and 500 quid. By the way, can you speak to the DJ? Because I'm going to need the theme tune to Sex in the City.

Say, I'll be back tomorrow night. With me peace. Right. You need the theme tune to Sex in the City. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do get in girl. I've only paid five tons. But then Laura don't think you're cool. Hopefully the bouncers don't work shifts otherwise I've just given 500 quid and some lambs and some con, it just works Wednesdays. I'm back tomorrow night which is Thursday but we're coming on Friday. It's going to cost me a lot of meat. No because you'll walk up and be like, Pfft, Ciaran. And they'll go, Dan Nightingale, I didn't know you were coming. Usher you in. Straight into the toilet, because she knows you need the poo. Gets Laura a little cocktail, she's dancing.

And you're like, Oh, we're all dancing. So we're dancing. Arrange your nickname as well. You don't want Dan Nightingale. You want him to call you like D-Money or something. What's up, D-Money? D-Money. So she goes, she goes.

Straight in there. Why do the bouncers at Rosie's call you D Money? Toilet. She's worried about me doing cocaine so that'll go down well. D Money. Like D Money. Alright D Money. And then you've been that long you made me wish I'd stay here.

I'm bladden now. I drank six shots in the toilet. Shots of what? Tequila? Fucking... Dabbing off cool water? He's planning to go and bottle tequila for you. You go back home and you're like tell you what I wouldn't normally go in a place like this but there's a vibe isn't it? Let's just get a few fucking let's get a few chit and dinos here. Yeah and you wanted wanted to go for a shit in Pret? You're mad. Yeah, I know it's on the ground floor, and much easier to access, and cost you no money and meat.

It's quarts weight, by the way. Closed. And then you're in the club, it's worked. Your plans worked. Nailed on, Puss. Cheap, easy, not much planning. Oh cheap, 500 quid lamb, six shots of Davidoff cold water.

You've got to speculate to accumulate, Dan. There you go. There could be someone from tele-production in the line and they go, sorry, the money's just walked in there. Maybe I need to give him a job. You think there's Netflix are in the queue for roses on a Friday night in Chester? Might be. Better go somewhere.

It's a very industry Friday night. That's what they call it in Chester industry Fridays. Anyway, I think we've boxed your nice out there. Thank you boys. So you were just going to go and have a few onion barges and try and get your dicks looked. Now you're going to Rosie's to the boogie and guaranteed anal. Now I'm going to a butchers. I'm going to a butchers. That's how you do it. Forgiveness. I have to take my passport. Have you bought her a gift? Yeah. Hunters? Does she know what it is? Has she asked for it?

Has she took it? Have you made her do that? No. We've rediscovered the gift of giving apart from my birthday present, which is a load of dark stuff that I've ordered from China. But I want that. So me and Etta went out the other day for, I went to see a film at the cinema.

Dog Man came out, load of shite, she's dead happy. So we went for tea, me and Spud went to the film. But beforehand, we went over the way, at the Coliseum, just round the back of Cheshire Oaks, to a car. You got her some armour, chainmail. I got her some armour, some chainmail. That's good, chainmail and a sword.

Yeah, because she loves lamping. What's it called? LARPing. LARPing! She loves lamping people in armour. It's easy when you've got a sword and chainmail on me. Erm... Every birthday she goes down for GBH.

That's what she wants. What did you get her from the coliseum? And there was a mug. Oh, when's this going out? Yeah, it's fine. There was a mug that said, I'd rather be down the allotment. And I thought that's perfect for her because she loves the allotment. So I got her a little mug. That says she'd rather not be with you. And a card.

What do you want me to get? A mug saying I'd rather be on that little dick? They'd rather be with you than down the allotment. Right, they didn't sell that mug, Carl. Fuck the allotment. I should have never got it. You're great. How do they sell the allotment stuff at the Coliseum? That feels like a wild crossover. Is this just a shopping centre? Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's the clientele of this shop? That's an old person mug. It's the Gift Company. What's the clientele of this shop? That's an old person mug. It's the gift company. What's it called? Are you romantic? It's next to the card factory. Oh, Valentine's day, babe. I got distracted. I got distracted. Could at a found a monkey with headphones on. Oh yeah. It was a statue. Yeah. Yeah. She didn't just find a monkey

with headphones on. It's a gift for everyone. So I've now, you know, I spent four quid on a mug. I've been doing better with the romantic gestures. I came back from skiing. I bought her a present. That was nice. I came back. I nearly stayed. You're welcome, love. I got her a Swiss Army knife.

Bitches love Swiss Army knives. Honestly, it's like, what? A Swiss Army knife and a mug? You just get women. Yeah babe. I get women. Swiss Army knife and a cup. Happy birthday. That's what they want. What? Has she used a Swiss Army knife yet? Well, it's a lot of base. But she was like... You get her like a crotchless panty Swiss Army knife? That's the thing with Swiss Army knives. She can cut a hole in all her panties. You're welcome. You could get her this. Taboom, wristy cuffs, wild roses set, with nipples on. Yeah, but we've already got it in three colours, so you know what we're like. Very sexualised. She loves that Swiss Army knife, by the way. She was well happy with that.

She was like, what? What did she use it for? Cutting people. She's got knives in the house? Yeah. Alright cool. Why have Swiss Army knives ever existed? Just take your cutlery drawer with you, camp in, you prick. How's she gone camping, has she? She's staying at Lulotman quite a lot.

She's moved out, she lives at the allotment. It's been a rough winter for her. I've been doing a lot better with romantic gestures. I came home from skiing, I gave her a knife. It was a good one. Where was it from? Switzerland. Of course. The Palace of Origin.

But you weren't in Switzerland? I was. I was in Geneva Airport. Airport knife. Do you know they sold me that at the airport? Mad. That is mad. But don't worry, they put it in a plastic bag and sealed it up so I couldn't have hijacked the plane. You bought a knife at the airport?

I bought a knife at Geneva airport post security in the shops before you get on the plane. They don't even let you have spoons in the restaurants and airports? Yeah, in case you like eat some unto death on the plane. Swear down. That's mad. And he went, I've got to put this in a security bag and got a plastic bag out that had like, you know, like when you get an ASOS delivery

and you send something back, ASOS, sorry. To be fair, you can't open the bag because you haven't got your knife. It's clever, it's four-way. Okay. So I'm really doing better with the romantic gestures. Knives and knives. Swiss army knives, mugs.

You putting anything in the card? Women loves night. You putting anything in the card? Or is just the card? Okay. So I'm really doing better with the romantic gestures. Women loves night. Oh, it's just the card. Flowers maybe. We've got flowers in the car. Flowers in the car. Have we got some flowers? I'm gonna get some. Good thinking.

It's too late now. Yeah. No, it's not. What do you mean it's too late? I've got 48 hours. I don't have to grow the fuckers. Keeper's overland. What do you mean it's too late? I've got 48 hours. I don't have to grow the fuckers. Like Kiefer Sutherland. What are you going to do? Tomorrow. Today is Thursday. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

Oh tomorrow is. Now I've fucked up the days. Oh shit there's no way I get flowers. The night before Valentine's Day? No they're all set fire to all the flowers. What do you mean? Everyone's bought them. Right. I'm buying flowers. And there will be some flowers. Of course there will. Threaten me? I'll just get some in, you know like one of the big ones with mum on it.

Is it a fume? She's dead. Yeah, no, but Valentine stuff's going to have gone, innit? I just got out of this big moat thing. Go to an undertaker's, say your mum's died. Because she has. And then get the mum flowers and give them to Lorna. Or get the mum flowers, but rearrange the first M

to be a B and then get more flowers and make a question mark. And it can just be like, bum. You want me to bum you? Four foot wide anal request. And have that on the top floor of the roses when you walk in.

Oh nice. Four foot wide anal request is a great balance. Right that down. Write that down in your journal. Get your journal, I need help with this. We are four foot wide anal request, this is bum. This is bitches loves knives. All right guys.

Thank you. I'll let you know how it goes. I think Vans hands are the shite. So I was just. So do I until I got, you know, all of this good. Flowers or anything. Well, we're going to be away for the weekend. So just buying something to die in the house while I'm not there.

And then we're going to Italy as well. You could just leave them in a vase though. No, but we're not going to be there to look at them. We're just going to come back and they'll be dead. They'll be just buying a rabbit and I'll feed it then. You know? Are you going directly from Dublin to Italy? We'll be back for the night and then, yeah.

I think it's all the shy, but we're going to Dublin for a lovely meal with people we love. We've also got it's all the shy, but we're going to Dublin for a lovely meal with people we love. And we've also got a little bit of shopping. So we're going to go to a jewelers and buy each other a little gift. Oh, you went to that shop that she likes. Yeah. Who was that? We went to some shops. I went in New York. I don't know. Actually in Bay Astrid and me. there's one in Dublin. Nice. So we're just going to go in and go pick each, like we're going to pick and then we're going to, it's not no surprises, but it's our way of doing this. That's really nice.

Well, we've never done Valentine's just cause I always used to work it and she was never bothered but because we're going to Dublin the next day, I just felt like I had to do it really. We could have, we, you know what, even if it was, wasn't's, we'd have probably gone out for a meal. But I feel like... What are Valentine's gigs like? Quite nice usually. Lovely. Lovely, yeah.

As long as everyone's dressed out, have a nice time. And often, it's not quite like, no, sometimes there's extra shows. If it falls on a Saturday, I've known clubs like throw an extra show on. There's definitely work to be had as a circuit comic on Valentine's. Not me though, I'll be in the club. Not the comedy club. Come on love. Come on. Get your... We can't be going home. He's just pouring sex in the city! Get your ears blowed! I'm closing Alexander's!

There's work to be had, it's Valentine's Day! What is the plan after the meal though? Full sex. You're not going to warm it up? What do you mean? The food, you get to take away, you're going to warm that up. Are you fucking? Oh yeah, yeah. No mate, you're going to drink at the meal.

I might, I might, yeah, I might, yeah, yeah. Is Laura a big piss head when she gets going? Massive, massive. She drinks like three times a year. No, but on those three times does she go ham? She's going, mate, Dan's anthems, she's there, she's coming, she's nailed on, sister, she's got friends coming from Nottingham, that is going to be a piss laurer. That's the club though.

That is the club. That is the club. We went to see Bongo's Bingo. We went to see the venue. I know it's stupid because I've been to content before, but it was empty and they turned off the lights and they turned on all the sort of show lights. Fuck me.

I have no right to have my first like dance night event to be in such a good venue. It's going to be I've sold 30% of the tickets. It can hold loads. It needs to sell another 30% and then everyone will have a bit of space. It's not going to be jammed in, but my God, it's going to look amazing. And Laura is dead excited about it. I've got all the peeps come in. I'm so excited about that. I think she's going to get pissed at that. And that's where her social anxiety kicks in. I'm so excited about that. I think she's gonna get pissed at that. And that's where her social anxiety kicks in. She's like, oh, people will know me

and I'll have to speak to people. So I think she's gonna drink through that. Yeah. If you're coming to Dan's anthems, tickets available in the show description. I wanna be called D Money all night. Thank you. Dan, can you drop the Sex and the City soundtrack music

and everyone will do this? Oh, it's gotta be on the list now. drop the Sex and the City soundtrack music and everyone will do this. It's gotta be on the list now. Can someone make me a dance version? Yeah but when am I getting it? I'll make it. I want a dance track version of the Sex and the City theme tune and we are fucking playing it. version of the Sex and the City theme tune and we are fucking playing it. We're ladies who lunch. So you do a little description of the...

You've never watched it have you? That is it. We're ladies who lunch. We drink Cosmopolitan on a Tuesday morning. We're the bitches. Oh and talk about boredom. Samantha, was it Samantha that just got... The Scouse one? Is she the Scouse one? She's the fake Sc Oh Samantha. She's a fake scout swan. She just got all the dick. Didn't she?

No, just get fucked and do cosmos. No, no, but she gets, she's like the Joey of the, she's like, I just love dick. Oh, she's the bum lord. Every bit of script was like, oh my God, what are you going to do about Mr. Big? And she was like, I'm the bum load though. So what do I do? Should be dance. That is his name as well. His name is Mr. Big. You're right there. I know. I watched it.

Oh did you? Yeah, I used to watch it. I'm more of a gossip girl, a guy myself. Yeah. Cool. And that is time for a little break. Happy Valentine's, everyone. If you're at a point in life when you're ready to lead with purpose, we can get you

there. The University of Victoria's MBA in Sustainable Innovation is not like other MBA programs. It's for true changemakers who want to think differently and solve the world's most pressing challenges. From healthcare and the environment to energy, government, and technology, it's your path to meaningful leadership in all sectors. For details, visit uvic.ca slash future MBA. That's uvic.ca slash future MBA.

Hey, what's on your laptop? You investing? I'm trading on BMO InvestorLine Self-Directed. Oh, I've heard of that. It's easy to use. They have research and watch lists right here. OK. Then there's these analysis tools I use to benchmark, Oh, I've heard of that. It's easy to use. They have research and watch lists right here. Okay. Then there's these analysis tools I use to benchmark, customize, and track my investing

performance. And I save fees on over 90 commission-free ETFs. It all helps me trade with confidence. Nice. Learn more at bmo.com slash investor line. Terms and conditions apply. BMO Investor Line is a wholly owned subsidiary of Bank of Montreal, member Canadian Investor Protection Fund, and member of the Canadian Investment Regulatory Organisation. currently 15th biggest in the world. For the reason. Who wouldn't sign up to that

Adam? Gimps mate. It'd be insane. What you getting have words? We're publicly on a Monday you can sign up for as little as three pounds a month and get exclusive episodes early release to the public and all the specials which is about to include India. We went to India on bikes waved at all the children, and you can watch it. It's better than that, makes you sound. I'm going to be totally honest, I've seen it. It's a little more emotional than that.

I think we go with the soft sound on the Patreon. It's sound. Don't worry about it. No, no, no. Oh, you don't want to sign up? No, don't worry about it. You also get mad that Monday's changing the game, you get money off merch, you get ticket early release, I know you don't want to sign up. No, I don't. You also get mad that Monday's changing the game. You get money off merch.

You get ticket early release. You can all laugh at just three pounds a month. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. We're the best in it. That's the old patron of edu's, isn't it? And all that for three pound a month. Like you're selling fish. Come on lady, come on lady.

Patreon! Have a look, Patreon. Best in the world, Patreon. Indian special? Patreon. He wasn't Indian, he's from London. He's got a mad accent. If he did this, I'd go, come on.

I don't think I can forget about it for this session. Why don't you go and get him a jacket? What, have you ordered a jacket from Adidas and they've sent you a tent? No, I ordered one from Adidas, I'll go and get it. That's how you say Adidas. He's John's. It was Adidas-ler. Yeah, yeah, Adidas. Do you know Puma?

Is his brother's company. And he set it up to try and fuck Adi over. Is that true? Yeah, yeah. I ordered a green smart item and he's sent me double XL. Smart though. You can cover a fucking sofa in that meat. For the audio listeners, it's a big jacket.

Yeah. I'm so sad. Carl's got the big knocker jacket. The main sale of the Mary Road. John, you're really excited to get something in the jacket. Yeah. I'm so sad. Carl's got the main sale of the Mary Road. John, you're really excited to get something in the post. And then you get the excitement of it coming. Like good post, like delivery. And then it's a 10X jacket. That's two, three sizes too big. I got a wonderful Philadelphia Eagles Varsity jacket from Abercrombie and Fitch.

He's an Eagles fan. Oh, I'm an Eagle. He's been saying that since the start. I actually have. I like their colours. Yeah. Not the players, the kids. Yeah, since the start of last Tuesday. I've been an Eagles fan for years mate. Right. I think my Eagle doesn't... Why did you get the Bears jersey and the Chiefs jersey? For you. Oh for me. He says I like high like an eagle before he goes to bed. I say go birds go or the Eagles. It's a palace one. Give me an A. Give me an A. A. Give me a G. G. Give me a Les. Les. What does it spell? Igles. Iglairs!

I love the Iglairs. Come on baby, come on baby. So, at the end of the day, if you're watching, fuck off. Unless you want to sponsor us. Unless you want to sponsor us. In which case, Carl will wear that every episode for the next five years. Just put it on. No, because I won't be able to send it back. Show you and your new coat.

You will be able to put it, send it back. Just don't take the tags off. We can try something on. Don't swear. You don't know, that might fit you. Okay, keep podcasting and I'll go and put this on in the back. Just don't take the tags off. You can try something on. Don't sweat it. You don't know, that might fit you. Okay, keep podcasting and I'll go and put this on in the back. What? Put it on, just put it on over it. Over me jumper?

Yeah. Yeah, you've got the room. Over me jumper? Are you mad? It's so... It's also fucking freezing in here, so it might be good. A baggy fit is what people are into. Oh, that's nice.

That is smart. Hey, your dad's jacket, no offense. It doesn't look as bad as I thought it was gonna look. I can't lie. It looks- Oh, it's smart, huh? Oh, it's nice, huh? Keep your hands warm.

All the kids are wearing them, you know. All the cool kids. Big kids. It's not that big. Look at his arms. It's smart, though. It looks like it's meant that big look at his arms it's smart though it looks like it's meant to be like that like David Price oh me at the comedy awards oh that was a loose fit that one wasn't it was but the thing is now I've got to send this back and I don't I didn't I don't send thing

back I don't even say send things back. They're going to go, yeah, just take it to the nearest. No, why don't you go and give it to a charity, a homeless one. Charity. Why don't you give it to three? You know, I'm going to go to a homeless one. You love that. Put it next to the jacket. I got from Mosbros that Will told me to buy for his wedding and then said, no, we're sending it back.

And I've left it in the studio. And now we own a jacket that is honestly awful. And I'm gonna wear it to his wedding on purpose cause it's his fault. What color is it? It's like a light blue cord. It's really poor. I can't send it back.

It's been in the studio for two months and passed the returns. Well, they're gonna go, yeah, return it. Go to the shop. Why should I have to do that? That's right. Unless you don't get your other one. What do you want an adidas courier to come and get it from you? They dropped it off for you.

They should come and collect it. I don't want it. They've just given me something they don't want. I'm going, yeah, just go to the shop with it. No. Right. It's done me. I think they've given me a task. What the fuck do I want a task for? A tent and a task.

I agree with you so much, but I enjoy watching that. I shouldn't have to send, that should be mine now. And they should send me the thing that I want. Yeah, but that is how it'll work. Do you reckon? You just say it hasn't shown up. You sent me the wrong thing and I'm not sending it back. Which one is it?

It hasn't shown up, it's the wrong thing. This is way too big and I haven't got it. Did you buy that jacket for England? No, I didn't buy that jacket. I bought a lovely Bayern Munich thing. It's gorgeous. You don't like Terex? Not that, I've got that as well. I think you should wear that. Charlie's teletext?

So sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod because Carl needs postage money I'm gonna pay to drive to the post office right well he needs petrol money and one of his tires will probably explode on the way Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, it's like I'm purposely paying too much. It could be cheaper, I want to complain about it. Fuck off. That's done my head in. It's smart! You haven't done it! No, it's too big for me. Looks good on you. Shall we do a...

Oversize is the new chic. Adam Nixon says this is stand-up related. And you do stand-up up to a very high standard. How's it going, fellas? Question, I'm all right. Question for you. I was recently lucky enough to be on a Caribbean cruise for two weeks, Flex, over Christmas.

Not, I wouldn't be into that. Would you, doesn't feel like that's where you wanna spend. Is the cruise around the Caribbean or just entirely staffed by Caribbean? Don't go to that. Caribbean cruise to Iceland. I'd go to that. Don't go outside, it's freezing. That's what I'd expect from a Caribbean cruise.

I wouldn't want like non-Caribbean's working on it. Yeah, if I went on a Caribbean cruise, I would not want but Jake, Chicken and Bob Marley. What's the drink? I'm trying to be in Cruz, I want nothing but Jack, Chicken and Bob Marley. What's the drink? Like Lilt. I nearly said Umbongo, that's in the Congo, isn't it? Malibu. I feel like Malibu.

What the fuck? What are you getting out? Is it not Lilt? What are you getting out, Carl? These handcuffs, because of a D, they've cuffed me to this fucking system now, haven't they? Oh, mate, that is... It's like a treat for the audio listeners that bad. That is a weird...

I haven't got misophonia about that. Eugh. That sounded Asian as fuck. Misophonia! What? Misophonia! What are you doing? Misophonia?

Misophonia? Misophonia? Stop it! You're a lot funnier than most people. Ting. Ting or Lilt? Lilt's not actually Caribbean. No!

It is! Oh, well the advertising has made me think it is. Malibu definitely is. Oh man, it's total gridlock! What's happened to that one? It's a Malibu advert. I don't think I've lost my mind. I just don't think you're getting the references. You said miso horny for no reason.

Misophonia. It's a proper, it's a proper phobia. Can you pull up misophonia? Yeah, I know what misophonia is. It's not misophonia. I know, but I've heard... It's a phobia of the people you're financially tired to doing inappropriate accents on the internet. I've got it then. Saying that you've got it as well. What are you doing there? I told you I've been cuffed by you doing this. Go on, that's the question. So as we remember from four minutes ago, Adam Nixon was on a Caribbean cruise. Once each week there was a special guest UK comedian. The comedians weren't my cup of tea if I'm honest, but it was a boat full of mainly old biddies so I couldn't really complain that they didn't have the likes of Mike Rice on.

The comedian would come onto the boat wherever we were docked and do two shows that same evening, the next night they'd do an 11pm naughty show, then get off the boat and the next port and would probably fly home. I assume this must be decent money considering it was over Christmas, being made to fly 9 hours each way for two and a half hours worth of shows. My question is this, are there any ways for comedians to make money that we may, as the public, may never have thought of? Are there comedians out there, for example, who exclusively play the Euro star but will never see them touring in the UK

because they make their living on trains? Exclusively. The Nays Yard, isn't it? There's the after dinner circuit. Yep. Where, you know, sometimes you'll go to like a sportsman's club, you know, a sports club somewhere, middle of nowhere, and they'll be like, right tonight we've got a Jeff Winton on, who's former Premier League referee. I was thinking Jeff Winton. Well that's because one of the only ones I've ever done was Jeff Winton.

I've got Jeff Winton's number, if you ever want to yell a card or anything. Hello. Get going for your face. I'm going to buck me there please Jeff. You listen to Jeff tell all his larks. He's got some good ones. About being a Premier League referee. And then after he's done, comedian does half an hour.

Is it? I thought it was the comedian. I've never done one. It depends on the speaker. Speaker sets the rules. And normally, you know, they'll let you get there a bit earlier and they'll give you the fine piece. In Jeff Winters voice.

So there's a lot of comedians who do that that you would never, like they're not even trying to build a profile, really. We know Jamie Sutherland, don't we? Jamie Sutherland is the like, he's... Stop showing off. He's someone I think that can do, he can do our circuit, the mainstream circuit,

the after dinners. He's basically made himself potentially the most employable comedian ever. But it's not a life I would want to... I'm just not good at it. You've got to play to your strength. And I think a lot of the comedians we're talking about today as well are also the comedians maybe doing these cruiseships. Yeah. So the big cruise companies, I know for a fact, in the last five years or so have had

a good push of like, we should get some of these younger comics, you know, from the alternative circuit. And then they go brilliant and they get a booking agent involved or a promoter involved because I've had emails from both agents who are trying to sort of like throw P&O ferries different names and different like whatever YouTube clips so they can have a look. I remember Pete Vincent coming going, listen, we've had, we've been approached by a cruising company. The money's good. It is like two and a half, two, two grand or whatever.

For the P&O Ferries. But you've got to do two different clean shows. 45 minutes to an hour. I can't do 12 minutes clean. Like it's clean, not swearing. Cleaned no. I can't talk about cocks or bumholes. I close on my cocks and bumholes. Controversial. So it's just like, Oh, me, me kitchen drawers got batteries in that kind of shit.

You can have my escalator bit as well. It's open now. I know Virgin Active. Is it Virgin Active or Virgin Boats? Virgin Active is the gym, isn't it? Yeah, Virgin Boats are doing more alternative comics. I know that because a few months ago I was in the car with Alfie and Alfie said to me Me and you should do a virgin cruise. Oh, and I was coming to watch that and I went

Right. Okay. I was like, do you reckon? Jesse be all right with that and he was like, I mean the gigs that they run I had an ear of it at this stage and initially I just thought Alfie wanted me to go on a cruise with him I hadn't heard of it at this stage. And initially I just thought, healthy one, somebody's going on a cruise with them. But he was suggesting we should both try and get booked for the same Virgin cruise, do the gigs and then travel around the Caribbean, man.

The problem is, I love that we've got to a point where we like, is it a Caribbean cruise? Because I can do this voice all week. I think it's a great, it's great that someone younger in the office has gone, you know what guys, we really need to freshen this up. But their clientele, as this guy, Adam Nixon says,

that's not quickly modernized, has it? They're still like, oh, you know, we've been coming here for 25 years. Yeah, but they want to be on the way out, them lot. I've got a question, old cunts. I've got a question about old people. When did that, like group of old people stop? Because there's no day, didn't they? It feels like the old people that we were

young are still the same old people now. I know what you mean. Do you know what I mean? There isn't like a new wave of old people yet. There is, because like my dad's 65 this year. Yeah, I think you're getting older so your perception of what old is is still old, but a lot of 18 year olds look at like anyone our dad's age and go, fucking dead old, where we're like, no, no, that's different. Yeah, I mean like pensioners, they all still dress

and look the same as when, like are we gonna just automatically look and dress like pensioners? You just get to a certain point and you give up. 65 this year. Oh, she looks good. She can still go as well. She can still walk, yeah. I meant fuck.

Oh, I didn't. I want a moratorium on the jokes for a bit because of what happened at the screening. Oh we haven't really spoken about that have we? Or did we? I don't know. We did a screening of the India Special and there's a moment in the India Special, there's three moments,

where Carl says this is really easy, when does the challenge start? And I said, when your mum's in a room full of cocks and she's not like Where was my mom sat Adam? But and here's the kicker she hates her in the in the in the needs so she didn't need it And yeah, well, she did give me a kiss and a hug on the way out So she either didn't hear it or she loved it. But she did leave early.

So there's a chance. She didn't. I don't know. I've never felt more alive. Yeah. I wanted to be dead. All of us on the back row were like, oh God. Getting a blowy.

Not off my mom. They have a word, stand up crews. Anyone interested? They do these sorts of things, don't they? The radio stations at the minute, like you go with the people that present the radio show. I'd do a cruise, we could do it, if we could hire a big fucking boat, have someone. A cruise?

You know someone, surely. This is well doable, you know? The Have A Word cruise is well doable. Have you seen the new big cruise? Like a festival. Yeah, it's, they do it for like, who was it? I was, I was with one of my brother's mates and he'd just been away with, uh, Ken Bruce on a cruise. Which Ken Bruce? From the radio. He's the old radio two presenter. Of course. It was him and Kate Thornton were in, went, went round. I want tickets for this.

Ken Bruce and Kate Thornton did a special. Yeah. That motherfucking shit. Honestly. Oh, Somalian pirate down. Does he got it? Has he got like a behind the scenes in the know for them? Surely? How good would it be if we did a have a word cruise and we got Somalian pirates? No, I think it'd be the most fun ever. What's the new big cruise you've seen? I think it'd be Tom. The advert that was on the Super Bowl. Did you see the Super Bowl advert

that we watched together? Yeah, that fever dream where they just do a fucking Tom Bowler of random celebrities. Yeah, it was a... Celebrity XL. Fuck, that's a big boy, that. I think there's ones that they go on for the whole year. Yeah, I don't know how it floats.

It's got like 50 levels. I think summer next year we should be looking to do this. I'd love to do a clue. Yeah, I just say. Yeah. Should we not just do a Butlins Weekender? Start small. I'd love to do a clue.

Those Butlins Weekenders look good. There's a hospitality one, drum and bass one that I really want to go to. Fatboy Slim's doing one in Maidenhead. I want to go to that as well. None of what you've just said sounds appealing to me. Holiday camp, Fatboy Slim, Maidenhead. Nah. Did he want to do a gig that big and bad? Just go off band gigs.

Yeah, they had like quarter of a million people turn up on Brighton Beach. And people died? Everyone died, yeah. Quarter of a million people died. Fatboy Slim killed quarter of a million people. He's the new Hitler. And he divorced Zoe Ball. Bastard. No, four people died, I think.

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, yeah. I don't think it was Fatboy Slim's fault, you know? It was a free event and they- Feels like he's maybe a little bit liable. Well, no, he wasn't, was he? I mean- Is that in prison? No. Is this a crime?

No, 250,000 people turned up and... Four of them died. Hang on, this wasn't an illegal party you just put on. They were like, hey fat boy, should we start playing tunes on the beach? They haven't really thought it through, have they? They thought like 10 times we were going to turn up and force them. I'll tell you what, Carl, I'll give you this. They've never done it again.

No. No. It's illegal, no, is it? Now he's doing it at Butlins in Maidenhead. And it's ticketed. I'd like to go. Finn, are you up for it? Yeah. Have a way illegal though, isn't it? Now he's doing it. Butlins in Maidenhead. And it's ticketed. I'd like to go. Finn, are you up for it? Have a word boat though mate.

Have a boat, we can call it. There you go. Have a boat? Have a cruise? Murderers boat? Murderers boat. That doesn't sound like something you want to buy a ticket to. I don't want to go on.

What does it consist of? How long is it? I just want to buy a ticket to. I don't want to go on there. What does it consist of? How long is it? I just want to be on a boat. I think you do every single one of the events that we do. So you'd have a country day, you'd have a quiz, you'd have a karaoke, you'd have a Dan's Hamptons. It sounds quality! This sounds fucking quality!

You can do a music video. And Adam drives. He's got to be the captain. I'm not doing none unless I'm driving it. Yeah, of course. We know that. By the way, Adam R got to be the captain. I'm not doing none unless I'm driving it. Yeah, of course, we know that. By the way, Adam Rose driving the boat, I was like, oh shit. That would massively affect ticket sales.

I'm totally into it. So if you've got a cruise ship. We must have a cruise ship company who listens to this. What, sell cruise ships? No, someone that works with P&O or something. Yeah, but not just like a cleaner, like someone high up. Yeah. Like P.O. now. Paul or Ozzy.

Big P. It's Paul and Ozzy on the water. They'd give us a boat for the wee. Yeah, for money, I think. Yeah. There were some things money can't buy done But I think with cruise ships, it's mainly money that buys them

I don't think they rent cruise ships out to be yes, they do Do they everything's for sale? These nanas are dying out. I cruise is as popular as they used to be. Where are we going? What route are we taking? Caribbean for the staff. Liverpool to the Cairns. Somalia for the Bants. Are we just going into the Irish Sea or are we going to like fucking Norway or something? We're not going to Dublin and back and then back to Dublin. What was this? We've got to go. Come on. That greatest hits radio one I was talking about. Started at London, went to Hamburg and then ended up in Amsterdam and then back to London. So shite. That's not... We need...

I want to go to like tropical gaffes. Oh right. Two months cruise. Yeah. You fly to Miami, you watch Adam's show. We're going to have to pre-record a lot of episodes. I can't believe the price of these crews. I don't live near Miami.

I can't go! Yeah, that's you, you'll be listening. Your handcuffs. I am the live near Miami. I can't go. Yeah, it's you. I am the half boat. Bye Andy Daz. Right, there you go. Come on next year. Have a boat. It's not.

But we can dream. It's on the list out there. Why can't it not? Why are you saying it's not? All right. We're doing it. I think have a word airlines is more possible. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

It's totally not unless I'm driving it. No, we get a plane. We chartered a plane and we work it. And this. Sorry. It's on the list. I'll do have a book. It's not on a list.

No one is on the list on the board for potential specials. Have a word Airlines. Stay. No more pens for you. I thought that was more like the documentary airline. No. We work on a plane. The level of customer service you would give off would be... Phenomenal. No. I'd much rather do the cruise.

Yeah, that's just now a review pushing a trolley from down. I thought we'd fly to the cruise. No, we'll just do the cruise. We'll set off from the Albert Dock and we'll go to the Brunswick Dock. Where's that? Four minutes away. All right cool. Slowly. Two weeks. We docked for 13 days. You can all sleep in your own beds. It's great. You can all sleep in your own beds. That's great. I'm into it. Have a boat.

Come on July 2026. So let's not put dates on things. 19 to July 2026. We should stop doing that. That was great. Good meeting guys. I'm glad we did that. That's July, next year.

Rent a cruise ship, just Google it. Erm, it's time for... Let's go cruising. Isn't that something to do with plumbing? I nearly made that joke before. Cruising is when you go and just sit in a public toilet. That makes such a man off. It is with a Z isn't it? Like Beckham?

What? Like cruise Beckham? Yeah. Is it? Exactly. It's all good, you just sit in a bungalow for someone? Like George Michael was always cruising money. So you just...

Yeah, yeah, he was. He's also sucking off men. Oh, that's what I mean. Oh, I thought you... Yeah, I want to go cruising. What do I do? I thought he was cottaging. I think cottaging is when you took your balls between your legs and someone licked them

from behind. I thought that was bushes. Have a word pod at gmail.com. I've just done to type cruising in and I've got a search history of cruising gay. I bet you'd have to do laptop as well. There you get. You only got it yesterday. Oh look, somebody else. Sam says, hang on a minute.

We don't know what to get to the bottom of this cruising thing. Walking or driving about certain areas called cruising grounds, looking for a sexual partner. There you go. Yeah. You know, when you like drive slowly through like fucking Victoria Street. So what is cotting? Because and cottage, cottage into the toilet one. Yeah. Harry was right. Getting bombed in the? Because it's cottage into the toilet one. Yeah. Ah, how he was raised getting bombed in a toilet or sucking something off of the toilet. Cossagen driving on the car. I'm not sure. I took you up between your legs and got some on. That's a fruit bowl. That's the naughty fruit bowl. Yeah. These are usually anonymous, but some's into it. Sam says,

A couple years ago, a man text my number accidentally thinking I was his oven repair man. I ran with it and took the conversation weirder and weirder with every message, getting him to put stupid things in his oven to try and fix it. This included a sock, a cup of rice and a cup of water. I asked him to send me pictures every time he did it to entertain my friends. This went on for a few days and after him still not realising I wasn't his oven repairman, I eventually had to just tell him. He was not amused and said he'd had to order food out every night for his kids. Do I deserve penance?

Who's got an oven repairman? A regular one? I'll just text the oven repairman. Are you getting him round? No, no, no, you'll have to walk me through it. Through a series of images. No, no, no. We all walk me through it through a series of images. No penance. Text, text the oven repairman there. No, he's done the exact right thing. I've got a washing machine repairman. Yeah, that's a, that's the thing. That's a job, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. Yeah, but surely an oven repairman's a job then. I don't think it is. Why? Oven's break? Just buy a new one. No. Oh, fucking hell. Oh, I've got my... Burning.

How often do you text... How often do you text your laundry man? I didn't mean to ask me as a cab driver. You gay lover. When we go cottaging together. The washing machine repair man? Yeah. He's been to our house in six years, probably two or

three times. He's got an Asian wife that he always brings. I don't know why I had to have that. What's he saved us on your phone? Washing machine repair man. What's his name? With Asian wife. He's the one with our Asian wife photo in there.

I'm not going to use him. It's the one with the Alsatian wine filter in there. Black Alsatian wine filter. I'm not using him. In the last six years your washing machine has broken three times. I bought a new one by the way. Are you washing bricks? Clean them bricks love. How are you going to clean your bricks? I don't know why you're laughing.

Not only at 30 degrees, otherwise it damages the brick. You've got Chris Washington. Just flex. Only at 30 degrees. Otherwise it damages the brick. You've got Chris Washington. She's flexed. When did you call your oven repair man? When your oven breaks. No but I don't know. He doesn't even call him, just texts him. I like Jim. It's fucked again.

I mean we got my potatoes on cooking, put some socks in it. He's an idiot. No penance. No penance. I mean he's done the right thing. If someone texts me being like, hey John, he's done the right thing. If someone texts me being like, Hey John, you're the other man. Yeah. Oh, you take these opportunities of both hands. Yeah. It's done a good job. Yeah. Yeah. Anonymous lady. Hey, let's please keep me anonymous. Two years ago, I found out that my boyfriend of two years at the time and part of my now one and a half year old was cheating on me with multiple women

while I was heavily pregnant because and I quote she doesn't put out like she used to. When I found this out I was secretly seething, I think you can be publicly seething, so I went through his phone and sent myself everything. I would check his phone regularly to see when he was going to meet these women. The days that he was planning on meeting them, I would stick laxatives in his bruise so he had to cancel. He ended up losing his fuck partners because he wouldn't meet them anymore due to his stomach issues. Do I deserve penance?

P.S. the penance can't be towards him because he died last year. Or did he? Or did he die of stomach problems? Because I think this might be, you know, admissible in court. You've been spiking him when he died. Oh, no, it's a separate. She wouldn't. He's not going to. You can't. You can die of power so much. Yeah. You can shoot yourself to death. It's Robert, did it? And he was a cheating little bastard. She might have killed him here. I'm on her side though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I do better things than that though. Just make him do a poo. No, that is a good one. He's an idiot as well. If you don't put two and two together, that's like the third go. Why would he put two and two together? I'm meeting this girl. Oh, no, I've got a poo. No, but I mean, if you have like laxative poos every time you're meeting the girls, it is on him that he hasn't like figured this out. I'm just going out to meet my friend. Oh,

before you go, I'll make you a cup of tea. Don't smell it. Oh, weird. Oh, we had stayed. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, likewise. Amazing level of control on her part. You may be cheating on me while I'm pregnant. I'm not going to say anything. I'll just get some laxatives. It's going to fucking poo you to death. What would you do then? What's a better alternative than my partner was cheating on me while I was pregnant. Yeah. But you've got to get some sort of revenge. Like you can't just go, yeah, I'll fucking leave him. I would just go to all the dates and sit near. But like never let them see me. And then I'd slowly like say things like, Oh, do you remember when that fellow

walked into the bar before? Oh no, I wasn't there, was I? I'd be quite worried for your Mrs. Safety. If she ever like was doing this. She says that. She says I'm very capable of murder. You are absolutely capable of murder. No I'm not.

I don't I don't like her like that. No if someone hurt someone close to you, you would. Yeah, but this is the person me. I think if Sarah had said her. No, if she had like several partners and you found out about it, you while you were pretty you could easily snap and kill her. No, I wouldn't kill her. I think you would, you know.

No, please don't use this in calls. I wouldn't, and I didn't either. Fucking hell. I wouldn't kill anybody, but I'd be good at getting people back. Really good at it, and she knows that. So what would you do? I don't know. I'd do something, no, it. I'd do something. I think you have a focus of energy that could be pretty fearsome. Apparently it's my Scorpio moon. Right well let's be scared of that ladies. Apparently

a Scorpio moon is you know. Scorpion with his arse holes. Conducive with. Dangerous though isn't it? Don't look at a scorpion's arse. No, right. To be that funny. That's conducive with like, like having like anger and vengeance. Yeah. I'm very vengeful. Wow. Is that what time you hang on? What's the Scorpio moon? Can you Google? Is that because you're a Scorpio? I'm not on the Pisces. So have how have you got a Scorpio Moon? You get that rising... Did you get it from... Your main star sign is your sun sign, isn't it? Yep. Your moon sign is a different one. What?

Yeah. I didn't know I had a moon sign. What you do is to give everyone all a sign so you can blame everything on everything. Why do I want to know my moon sign? Oh hang on, you're a fucking Libaner poo sign, aren't you? That's what it is, Gary. I'm a Pisces, usually. Is there anyone you're currently...

16? 15. Is there anyone you are currently plotting vengeance against in the future? Is there anyone on your... Yeah, yeah. Oh, I know who it is. Laura. Pisces. You're a Pisces moon. Oh, so I'm a Pisces and a Pisces moon? Yeah.

Where have you got your fucking Scorpio moon from? Where have you got your add-io moon from? Where have you got your add on moon? What makes you moon and you rise and Cersei knows it. She knows it. This is honestly giving me BV this chat. Sorry your moon sign's... Oh wait no that was last year. It changes every year. This is a load of shit. I don't know but I find me un-vengeful and I agree. Well at the end of section two. Classic Scorpio moon. I wouldn't kill anybody but I'd be un-venture and I agree. Well, that's the end of section two. Classic sculpture. I wouldn't kill anybody, but I'd be good at it.

Like if this was me, I'd be better than just making them do a poo. Libra. I think I could kill somebody. Yeah. Only to protect somebody though. Yeah. Like if someone was hurting one of you's or something and they had to do something to get them off and had to hit them with a spade or something.

I don't know, you know. I think if someone just got me of you's or something and they had to do something to get them off and they had to hit them with a spade or something. I don't know, you know. I think if someone just stoned me I'd then as well. I think if you have to speak to Santander for longer than you did the other day on the bus. Adam Rowe. Oh, it was so sinister. You get more and more annoyed. At one point when you're out of nowhere you went, I am Adam Rowe and my name is my password

with Santander. But you were making eye contact with me. I was like, oh my God. I bleeped that. It's smugly doing Adam Rowe. My name is my password with Santander. But you were making eye contact with me. I was like, oh my God. I bleeped that. It's probably the other wrong impression. It has to be your voice. Could be that other wrong impression.

Could be that other wrong impression as well. Christopher Wagan is just easily hackable. Just bleep out his name. I'm Christopher Wagan with Santander, my voice. It's my password. It's my password. How come? My voice.

Morgan Freeman fucked Conor McGregor. Santander, my voice, my password. Morgan Freeman. Really good. Really good. Really good. I'm good. I don't think we use my impressions enough. The Morgan Freeman should be coming out more.

The best one's Roy Keane. That one's actually sick. I love that one. Morgan Freeman. Oh you want me to do it? Hiya. You alright? It's a job. It's a job.

It's a job. Is that it? No! I'm Roy Keane, I used to do my job. That's all he said. This is my password, it's a chance. Hi, I'm Roy Keane. Roy Keane, it's underneath my password. What do you say, Mufasa? I'm Mufasa.

Hello, Mr Keane, do you want to move some money? Yeah, since I wasn't rolling, I was like, oh, oh. Hi, I'm Roy Keane, Mufasa is my password, it's underneath. They'll never know. Baby. Baby. By the way, I password which I don't know. They'll never know. Baby. Baby.

By the way, I said this in the group, there is a gas leak. And there's gonna be a gas leak here, if I have a word. Our aircon's broke right now. We've got heaters on, as you can see. Heat like pointed that there. Apparently there's a gas leak coming from the air conditioning.

It makes no sense. I think like extended like exposure to it does send us wild. What's our excuse for the last four years before gas leak? And that's the end of that. Fandu casino daily jackpots guaranteed to hit by 11 p.m. with your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Daily Jackpots, a chance to win with every spin and a guaranteed winner by 11 p.m. every

day. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Select games only. Guarantee void of platform or game outages occur. Guarantee requires played by at least one customer until jackpot is awarded or 11 p.m. Eastern. Research and supply.

See full terms at canada.casino.fandio.com. Please play responsibly. Hey, oh, welcome to the studio where the aircon's broke so we have to wear our coats indoors. Oh! Mickey Baldersie! I don't know how to start podcasts when I'm on someone else's. How do you start when you're on yours?

Someone else starts. Long overdue, haven't you then? How are you? Not too bad, yeah. All good. Fucking completed dry January. Did you really? Yeah, first time ever.

Just fuck, I actually drank that much at Christmas that it was like, this is becoming an issue. Was it a pre-planned dry January or a reactionary one? Fucking New Year's day I woke up and I went, I can feel like my internal organs. Everything's wrong. I was like, this is fucked. I was lactating.

I think that's some sad. I just thought, fucking I'm gonna go have milk. Was. I was like, this is fucked. I was lactating. I just thought, fuck it. That one was espresso martini. So this one, it felt great. Well, I felt great after a month and then I drank once like first of February straight away. I was like fucking this get stuck in. Uh, I kind of didn't like it. I think I might've fucking, I might've turned a corner in life. 38 now. No, I think you just turned the wrong corner. Yeah. I think I'm just, I think I might, I might be gay. Oh, that's a great corner. After all this time. So you drank on the face of the fair, but you haven't since again. No, I haven't since. Wow. I mean, I'm like, that's half another dry January. Yeah. I'm not against. I mean, I might tonight. Yeah. I'm gonna hold it. I was hitting it fucking hard though. The whole of December at two weddings in December. So that's two, three

day events. Just say people who get married in December are just selfish cunts. Sorry Thomas. This is disgusting. I was best man for once. Fuck you as well, Connor. But yeah, that was like, that was six days out of that month. We're just fucking heavy boozing and then Christmas and all that other then it just got bad. Man. It was like, I was like, you saying shit like you go to bed pet. I'll be in the minute. And then it's like, Alexa, man, other side one. Just strangled, went into the kitchen. See, I went quite heavy on the ALO across December myself,

but then January is Jack's birthday and my birthday. And it was just like, what's the fucking point? Do you know what I mean? There's just no point in even trying or lying to myself to just fuck it. Then I was in Texas for a few weeks in New York and I was like, well, you haven't got a pint out there. Do you know what I mean? And now it's fucking, it's February. Now the tour starts, it's Valentine's weekend. We're doing Valentine's weekend in Dublin. So

it's hard to get a fucking rock star. It's your birthday. It's my birthday. We always go big for mine. Always go big for his birthday. April, you know, April's got Easter probably. And then it's Witsons night and you've got to drink. My wedding. And his wedding. And his wedding. You know, you've got to fucking match. And June. So there's two months. Yeah. And May, you Witson's night and you've got to drink. And it's wet. You know, you can't fucking. So there's two months. Yeah. And may, you know, that's the end of the season. That's the stag do as well.

And that's the stag do. So like I think come July, then July, the weather's good. That's July and August and September written off and then fucking hell. Halloween. Halloween's over. So there's bonfire nights as well in November and then we're back at Christmas again. Got a drink. It's quite tough to take a month off with my schedule. Do you watch? That's catalyst and go to the pub. That's fucking brilliant. There is a pub right over the road

from the studio and occasionally when a guest comes in, we do just ask someone to go over and come back with like a tray of Guinness. Do you want a Guinness Mickey? I mean if we're all having one. I'm not driving. How do you want to go get them from Guinness? That was a big pause for that. We'll get them in a break. Fucking right. Fuck yeah. I didn't like it. I think I'm done with drinking forever. Do you want a Guinness Mickey? Fucking yeah. My nickname's deck chair. Why? Cause I fold easily. We were on a fucking, I did a two week standup thing around Eastern Europe with Nick Cody and everywhere we got to, it was like every venue was like, we're so happy you're here. We've been

planning to see live comedy since the Russians left. Like we were drinking every single night. And by about the fourth night, I'm like, man, I can't fucking, because we were drinking their home brew shit. I'm like, do rack it. And I'm the rack here. I can't, I can't fucking drink anymore. And I got to the point where he would go, just have one. And then it was, we're straight back to fucking on the piss again. Yeah. Topping up as well. So come the end of the tour, I was like, yeah, full easily like a deck chair. And he went, that's your nickname. Then he told people like he made it up and I just let him take credit for it because that's how easily I fucking fucked. I told this story at the time,

but when I went to Australia, a very long haul flight, love a little booze on a long haul flight. And in Liverpool playing Man United, it was the start of the season when Liverpool beat Man United, three and nil at Old Trafford. And you know, they have like the button

that you can call people over, but I always feel a bit of guilt with that. So like I was going into the, like the little bar area, like where they make the drinks. Yeah. You know? And I went over and I was like, can I have a, I was drinking just whiskey on the rocks. Right. So I go and get a couple and then she goes, you know, we can, and she didn't have my accent, but she had, you know, a very Asian accent and in a minute I'll do it when it when it's necessary for the story, right?

So she goes, you know, if you just press the button, we'll just bring it, and we know what you're drinking now as well, so if you just press it, we'll just bring you a double whiskey on the rocks. I was like, fucking class. So then a few minutes later, I'm like, right, I want another fucking drink, so I press it and she brings it straight over.

And I was like, thank you so much. And then as she left, Liverpool scored the third goal. So I was like, thank you so much. And then as she left Liverpool scored the third goal. So I just chinned it in excitement. And then I was like, but I want me cake and eat it too. I want to still have the drink. So I was like, but I can't press the button again. I'll just go back up. But she obviously isn't watching the Liverpool game. She doesn't really know what's happened. So I've pressed the button, she's brought it over. I've immediately chinned it. And within 30 seconds being back in a little bar area.

And I went, can I have another one please? Liverpool have just scored. And she looked horrified, took the glass off me, started pouring it and then just went, we have never known nobody like you. I never know. I had to say, I fucking flew business class once and now they gave you free booze and economy anyway. So I've had a couple of fucking nice experiences on that. Uh, there was one

time where a woman looked at me, just looked at this, just at my mass. I'm a kind of a whiskey and coke and she went, you want to? And I was like, yeah. She was just free pouring them. So I like, cause my trick for a long haul flight is four whiskeys, two cokes. She was just free pouring them. So I like my trick for a long haul flight is four whiskeys, two cokes. She just smashed them as quickly as you can. You fall asleep. You wake up six hours later, smash four more back to sleep. You're in Australia and it works. But there was a part where you have to switch flights and I don't think you're awake for that part. No, it's weird because you do end up in the middle East hungover as fuck being like, is this illegal? But I remember waking up and she was like, she was

just pouring me more whiskey even though I was asleep and she'd entered the ball and I'm like, I fucking, I fucking drank that whole bottle of whiskey on the flight. But I hooked into the onboard wifi and was texting people. I'm going to read it sober. I'm like, I don't even know who the fuck that was. Like the altitude makes for that much booze. I'm like, man, I've got a conspiracy theory. I just made up on my own. Like out of my fucking mind. But the business class ones are like, the last time I did that, I was drinking red wine

and couldn't find anything to watch on the fucking screen. So just listen to the Quran, pissed. I was like, I'm pretty sure this is fucking disrespectful. I'm trying to join them and stuff. I'm like, it's a, it's a banger. Have you seen that the guy who is responsible for bringing the 2034 world cup to Saudi Arabia has announced that for sure, for definite, no movement on it. There will be no alcohol in the entire country.

It's a completely dry country and they're not changing it. So when they won the bid, there was a lot of like chat, like, oh, they're gonna let drink in the hotels, like Dubai did initially where it's like, hey, you can drink in your fucking room. Still no, completely illegal. And like people are going, well, it's not very welcoming to the rest, completely illegal. And like people are going, well, it's not very welcoming to the rest of the world.

And he's just going, we're not asked. It's our country, it's our culture. We've won the bid. We've bribed for it. Yeah, we've won the right to host it in our country. So we're doing it by our rules and you can fucking do whatever you want when you leave. But while you're there, no drinks.

So there will be a completely sober world. Those fan zones are gonna be fun fun aren't they? What's the rules on cocaine though? Yeah they're open. Totally open to it. Yeah they're fine with that. It's landlocked with Bahrain, you can get a pint in Bahrain. Huh? Isn't Saudi landlocked? Bahrain's like the the party bit of Saudi isn't it? When I was out there doing forces gigs they were like all the... Is Bahrain in Saudi. No, it's next to Saudi Arabia. They go over a bridge. Yeah. Come in and it's like the Saudi Vegas. Like, yeah, they just come over and like, Oh, it's party time. Saudis, young Saudis come here

and treat it like they've driven to Vegas. Yeah. Haven't you done gigs in Afghanistan? No. I did. I did. I did. I did want to borrow in. That was actually funny story with the, the, I'm not getting in trouble with this. The guy that ran the gig brought me to this bar and I was so naive. Like I'd never really been outside of fucking you can't iron before we get to this pub load of old blokes and like young hot women. And my initial thoughts were like, Oh, barry any tenders? Fucking sweet. I had no idea. They're all hookers. So we ended up like the guys like, which one do you want? I'm like, Oh, none really. But I've nowhere to stay yet. He hasn't booked me a hotel. So he's

like, you'll be all right. I'll get you one. And he gave me a Viagra and I just took it. So then we ended up walking down the street. He's got a hooker for himself. And I'm with one being like, listen, I'm not going to actually do anything. I will give you as much money as I can to get you out of this. Like fucking Liam Neeson. And then essentially paid a hooker to leave me alone. I went back to the hotel. The very agger kicked in and then the fucking sun came up. So I had a wank during the call to prayer. I really liked the Muslim people. Hope this doesn't go out. Why didn't you just shag it? I couldn't man. I need kissing to get like even like, yeah, I need it.

No, you can't kiss her. You better have a kiss for nothing. No, I didn't kick in though. Cause there's a delayed fuse of Viagra. Well, she also found out once you're in a fight with my ex-girlfriend, I took a Viagra being like, I'm going to give her the time of her life. Walked into the bedroom. She was like, you know, I just think the way you were acting on the bar was a bit disrespectful.

And I'm like, and then as we're arguing the aggregate, you just love fighting. You just need a dick all the time. The words, your mother doesn't like is some sort of fucking code word. I didn't know that about Viagra, but I suppose it's got to be. Can't be instant. Can't be instant, can it? I thought you tried it. Unless you snort it.

What? I thought you tried it. Yeah. He did accidentally, didn't he? He thought it was like performance enhancers, but it was just fucking... Yeah, yeah. I was in the Commonwealth Games. Dwayne Chambers won that one.

High jump would be easy though. Just... You just got... You just got... won that one. Hi, John. Be easy though. Just cut. Just cut. Barrain's all right, but I'd be the Saudi Arabia, like, I mean, I'm the Middle Eastern fucking World Cups. Does it feel like we've just done it? Haven't we just done that? I know you meant to, you know, it's meant to be all around the world, but they're not even trying to make it look like it's not fucking grim. Like we've had Qatar. Sounds a bit racist this time. You just know what's going to happen is someone's going to somehow sneak it in. There's going to be loads of arrests. There's going to be big stories about fucking, there's no way there's going to be no alcohol in the

country. Sneaking in? Coming through the airport? It's not getting in creamfields is it? No, but I'm saying something's going to happen where they're going to go, all right, we'll get some fucking Lemo in there and there there's gonna be loads of drugs there instead something bad's gonna happen isn't it? It's not gonna be like oh we'll all be good it's loads of country football fans from around the world that's not gonna be a nice festival of football is it? Something's gonna... What if it is? I'd be very surprised the Argentinians turn up going here we just have a fucking pineapple juice. That sounded like a slip. Do you know what I mean? Like they're either not going to go or they're going to go and just

tell them to fuck off and do shit anyway. I was going to say, yeah, the Irish aren't going to stand for that, but we never get to go anywhere. Yeah, you won't be there. It just feels weird. How are they going to get alcohol? And what are you talking about? Well, if you can get drugs in places where that's not allowed, then I don't know if there's many limo dealers in Saudi Arabia. I'm going to be honest. I don't even get 12 Carlsberg up your arse. I mean, if it's possible to get places like drugs, places are not allowed. Someone's going to find a way to do something and they're going to get in. Yeah. But over here you get like a nine months suspended sentence over there. You get beheaded. This it's a high risk game innit to sell five grams of gack.

Do you think I could get like a 24 crater car into your house without you stopping me? I would stop you. It's a barbecue. But like, No, what I'm saying, if people can get drugs into countries illegally in planes and like somewhere like that. They put it up the fucking arses and the pussies and stuff, don't they? Do you think they move kilograms of cocaine up their pussies?

No! No! We obviously have some of the girls I've dated. Yeah they do. No. They get a fucking wide set women and they fill them with shit. A lot of big girls turning up in Saudi Arabia. No, there's like cars and planes and shipments and stuff.

Yeah, cars and planes full of women with baggy busses. Nice. Lovely. I'm very surprised if nothing illegal happens in Saudi Arabia and everyone's just like, well the football's the real winner. Can we animate this? You know sometimes we animate bits of the park. Can we do this one? You don't agree? You think everyone's gonna be like, okay cool. I think it's gonna to be a boring World Cup. Drugs and League and Liverpool. There's loads of them. Yes! Yeah! But it doesn't result in a beheading. That's the thing.

It's also easy to conceal a bag of shite. It's not easy to conceal enough alcohol for everyone to get off the fucking head, is it? Or just have World Cups in more fun places. Fucking Saudi Arabia. Do you get beheaded for having a Carlsberg? Oh you get beheaded for having like, you know, that seems a bit much. Wanking a guy off in a fucking Range Rover. Oh I've had a Foster's Shandy and I'm getting stoned to death.

That feels too far. Like there's no way the Canaan says that. It does specifically. Specifically foster shandies. Were you listening to it in English or in fucking Arabic? In Arabic, yeah. So no idea what he was saying. But it was a banger. Like I was like a fucking, I knew what he meant though. I was drunk enough to be like, I fucking knew what he meant. Can you drink 0% beer in Saudi Arabia?

Well, it's technically got a bit of alkaline, so maybe not. But what the crown actually says, it doesn't say you can't have a bevy. You can't be drunk while you pray. You've got to be sober when you are praying. And you're always praying. They fucking don't shut up about it, do they? So like they pray like fucking loads. So it's only illegal during penalties? No, I think so.

Like yeah, fill 0% bottles with real ale and be like, oh God, strong this. Wow. And that's how car became Pablo Escobar. Escobar. Escobar works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drinks in it.

I'm sick of these fucking. Who should get it then? Columbia? Wrong and football. Yeah, if it was announced as Columbia, how quick are you buying your plane ticket? Wow, there's a lot of big girls out of work. Wide set women. They just can stay at home. In your head, how do they transport drugs? In a vehicle?

In like tires of cars and stuff. In your head, how do they transport drugs is the better question. That's how you get into a festival, yeah? You know when they say, they made a seizure of like 74 million pounds of street value cocaine. That hasn't just come in like a fucking Weight Watchers group.

Yes, we're here from Colombia. By the way, just cause a woman's like a chunky bitch doesn't mean she's got a big pussy. And skinny ones. I always forget you're on the side of women. New merch available. Some fuckers have tight snatches. That was in the Quran as well. 70 million pounds worth of cocaine found in a woman, a fat woman's snatch, but it was tight. Imagine how much that would be.

What they do is they put it in like, yeah, they'll hide it in tires or like in like they hide it within vehicles, not within people in the vehicles. But then out of the tires where I have air in them and it's just full of fucking shite? It's a good question. I don't think you're going to get 8,000 miles out of the tyre. They'll just have to get over the border, don't they? These tyres are awful! My MPG's gone right now! Listen, I'm all for smuggling 74 million pounds of cocaine, But fucking up fuel prices are as bad. Goes to quick fit, these are working, you know. Yeah, we're full of shite, oh yeah.

No, they like hide them in planes and trains and automobiles. And John Candy. He in a very tight pussy. You know, a little known fact. Yeah, so if that can happen, they can surely make fucking, I don't know, some copper bags gets us Saudi Arabia. Yeah. It's a load of shit. It's done my head in as well. I'm leaving to go. I wouldn't drink beer here. Was there anywhere else that was close to getting Australia had a bid in and then clearly worked out that it was another fucking write-off and they were,

we're not wasting any more money on this bid. This is sewn up. Yeah. All above board. Wait, hang on. Are we getting euros? Aren't UK and the UK and Ireland getting euros? Yeah, maybe. Isn't above board good as well? I mean, yeah. I was like above all above board. I mean, yeah, I was like all above board. Yeah. Yeah. Euro 2028 is the voice. Which is England, public violence, Scotland and Wales. Oh, that'd be a fun one. I love that. No, that's recently the final was, wasn't it? No, they, they did it all over. That's a lot of shy. That one's just going to be the British Isles. How's, uh, Belfast got a game. Yep. Yeah. That's going to be fun.

Yep. Should be a laugh. Yeah? Yep. Cool. Don't give a fuck. What for the, the Euros you mean? Yeah. Oh. Have to.

You're going to fuck me. Oh, hang on. Not really. Hang on, hang on. If the UK- I knew this was going to happen to you. Someone's going to bring up football and we're like. I know.

If the UK and Ireland are getting a game, Belfast is getting euros. Belfast is getting. I think we're having some fucking weird issue about a stadium. Yeah. Like they're building the stadium and they can't decide whether it's a Catholic or Protestant one. Right. Just a stadium. Yeah. They're probably in some fucking weird political thing about. I'm not. No, I'm an idiot in this weird political thing about. Hang on. I'm an idiot here in this. I may be a migrant. What do you mean? I think there's something about that.

They're just having fun. They haven't got their shit together. Our government's dog shit, Northern Ireland. So every, everything that happens, there'll be some Protestant party or Catholic party being like that doesn't suit us. That doesn't suit us. And then nothing happens. Right.

So there'll be, imagine there won't be a stadium ready in time for them. Are you just like, when it comes to you, you're smashing it in both all the Belfast boys are fucking nailing it. We said it when Willie T was over. Shane Todd's a fucking legend. Do you just like Patrick Keelty used to spend his, like he spent the early part of his career talking about the troubles and stuff. Do you just, are you like, I'm, I'm post-1998.

I'm not dealing with it. I'm not talking about it. Yeah, it's kind's kind of like, yeah. You still make the odd little fucking reference because there's still people that want to hear those jokes, but most of us are past it because even when we started Kielty and then like a lot of the stuff that was on BBC Northern Ireland was all about politics. So the audience were actively being like, we don't want to hear about that. Talk about your cock. We were like, fucking yes, finally. So yeah, there's no point. That's fucking...

Yeah. I don't think anyone really does. Were you over in London? Have you lived in England? When we first get together, I think we get together a couple of times, but it was a while ago. You've come over to festivals and stuff. Yeah.

Right. So I've never moved here, but I was just at home. It's just cheaper. Um, but yeah, she was fucked. But I mean, I've had weird things when I've come over here though, where audience members have, I can spot former soldiers. So like there's been guys that have been stationed in Northern Ireland in the audience. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a red dot in my chest. I'm like, Oh Gary, good to see you. How do you know they were former soldiers? What gives it away? Fucking really crisp shirts. I like the way they ironed their shirts. I'm like, you're a fucking, you're an expert. They're all very permanent proper. All like,

we were brought up how to, we were trained how to spot undercover, fucking soldiers. I'm joking. Uh, but yeah, there's been a few times where I've had that happen where people have been like angry about something that happened in 1978 in Belfast. And I'm like, well, I wasn't fucking born. So don't hear more about my deck. And you gig a lot in Australia as well. You become a bit of a, an Aussie file. Yeah. I just, I try and like fuck. Yeah. I'll go over. I try and get over about at least once a year anyway. So we did six months there last year. For the festivals or are you just going to the clubs?

I've done the festivals twice now, but I don't think I'm going to go back for festivals. I did Adelaide and Perth and Melbourne as well actually, but with Dan Willis who did like the best of British, best of Irish doing comp shows. So that's just a holiday. It's fucking great fun. But then taking solo shows over there is a bit of a pain in the ass. It's like the audience over there don't want to buy tickets for solo. They'll go to compilation shows because it's value for money, but unless you're super famous, they don't give a shit. So, um, also compilation shows are fucking great fun as well. I mean, like we've just on Saturday night I've done a lot of shows. That's as fun as it gets.

Just smashing it for 20 minutes and then having some other absolute killers do. Spent two and a half months gigging with McFerrie and it was just the fucking best time I've ever had. And you, you weren't dry for that. I imagine. Actually, cause I was there like, yeah, January last year and went, I didn't drink that January and then flying to Adelaide, found out Mick was on the lineup and just started drinking on the plane. There's no point. Do you have the Quran on audio book? I've got Mick Ferry waiting for me. One of the things on our sheets for you is that your third cousins were Ciaran Bartlett

and I heard that before as well. What's a third cousin? Is that cousin of a cousin? Yeah, it means what we did was legal. I thought cousin because in the second cousin, I thought that was your mom's cousin. Is it your cousin's second cousin? What? The second cousin. My dad and his dad were cousins. So I thought we were second cousins, but I think it makes us third cousins. But he had to come up and tell you this. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, it was, I think I've been doing stand up for a year and was at this open mic gig and he came out and he was like, man, I'm thinking about doing comedy and I was a cocky con really early. I'm like, listen, can you want to make a big fucking, I'm giving them all this advice. And he went, I think we're cousins by the way. And I immediately

went, don't you fucking dirty standard and fast forward a couple of years, he's doing arenas. I'm still like so many students in, can you fuck your cousins? Like legally you can marry. I watched the airline. I was watching classic airline because yes. She was airline. The one that was easy jet. No, it was just, it was, it was basically set in an airport. Okay. Was it Luton? What airport was it? Luton, but there's Liverpool and Manchester. Different ones. And the woman there marries her cousin, but it was sort of throw away thing. Like she's going here to marry a cousin. I don't know. That was legal. Yeah. Legal, but not advised in terms

of as long as I love for it. Really can do anything. I thought there'd be some, I thought it had to be second cousins. It's blood in bloody. No, like you can do any and apart from bombing. Oh really? Bombs are legal. Bumming cousins. Genuinely. It's like one of those old laws, you know, like you can shoot a Welshman between the eyes at midnight with a bow and arrow in chest there. And then pissing his ass. It's not going to stand up in court though, is it? These days. You have to try it. Right. Okay. What does still look on the crossbar. What does it say Finn? Yeah, it's legal. Everything's legal.

It's legal apart from bumming. Wow. Hang on. I'm genuinely- How do you know that? Like, suddenly- Sometimes you have to do some research. You know how to bum your cousin?

No. Are you allowed to bum anyone? Is bumming illegal? Anyone but a family, like a blood relation, something to do with the blood transfusion or something. Oh wow. I didn't make some calls. How did you know that?

Daniel, I just looked into it once. I think I've had the same curiosity in the password. I'm like, you can't be fucking shagging your cousin. And then I looked into it. Oh legally you can. That's mental law, like it's, it's it's bloated. It's relative. So I don't know. They were doing all sorts of, I went to like, this is like old school, like that airline. 2001 or something. Yeah. But like once nine

11, I know it's a different culture. I haven't changed a lot of things because I know it's different culture. But I think if you go back one generation in the Turkish side they're all cousins, my lot. Yeah, because they never left the village. No, all cousins. That's why one of them's locked in a cupboard. Sorry? What? My dad's got a cousin that he's never met. Because he's in a cupboard. Because he hasn't opened a cupboard yet.

He's been locked in a cupboard. Harry Potter? For how long? He's been locked in a cupboard. Harry Potter? For now, Robin. Well done. Why has he never met his cupboard cousin? He's just never met him. No, it's not never met him. That's the issue, Finn. Why is he met a cupboard cousin? He's just never met him. What do you know, no, he's not never met him.

That's the issue, Finn. Why is he in a cupboard? They all kept trying to bum him. I think it was just like, back in the day, they were like, yeah, there's something wrong with him. So we're going to lock him in a cupboard. And he's still there. And he's still in his cupboard.

How old is he? Must be like 50 now. He spent 50 years in a cupboard. And you're just talking... I've never met him. What do you mean cupboard? Like under the stairs, like Harry Potter. He's not allowed out.

That can't be legal. Is he alive? I don't know. It's as slow as Harry Potter. That would open the cupboard door for 50 years. So Mickey, we're going to Turkey in September to film a special. And now one afternoon we spent opening a cupboard.

We are going to that cupboard and sniffing. I'm sure. We've gotta go and meet the cupboard boy. I think he's a cupboard man now. You're gonna have to explain this a little deeper. I've just passed on what I've been told, which is like, don't talk about this. On a podcast. You're dad's cousins in a cupboard.

No more questions. Why did they bring it up? Why did they bring it up? Right, I'm going to get out there. How four years into this job do you still have more mental shit to pick on? I think I talked to Dan about this one lunch and he went, yeah, don't bring that up. Don't mention this again, by the way. This was the big four years ago. Your cousin's in a cupboard. Not my cousin. My cousin's fine. He's in America.

Your cousin's in America. He's got a whole pantry over there. He's really moved up in the world. So he's disabled and they've gone's really moved up in the world. So he's disabled and they've gone just put him in a cupboard. Yeah. How big is the cupboard? I think it's like a healthy sized cupboard. Is it a room? That's a room Finn? No, no, no, no. All rooms have doors. It's a cupboard. It's like under the stairs. Have you seen the cupboard? I've seen the house. He was locked away in the house while we went to the house. Why can't they let him in the house? Oh was locked away in the house while we went to the house. Why can't they let him in the house? It's like that one where we got the airbnb off.

That was so fucking insane. Have we ever spoken about that? We hired a house to do like a Christmas dinner. So we paid 280 quid last minute to obliterate her kitchen and it said, yeah, you've got soul, soul, what do you call it? Soul, soul, custody, soul, residence. So you think you get the whole house. Turns out she just locked herself in the attic. Jesus Christ. Someone went for a shit halfway through the night and she opened the door and she was like, nothing here. Yeah, that was weird. That was weird. We gave that really the credit. So sorry to stay on this. Stay on it, please.

Right. When you were in that house, did you get told like that's John's cupboard there? Yeah, pretty much. But I'm like nine years old at this point. We've stopped doing the family visiting thing because I don't like it. Yeah, because there's family members locked in cupboards. It's like his cupboard room. Tell the police here. You are forgetting, like, this is all very good stuff by the way, but like our generation and maybe our parents generation are the first ones with severely disabled people like being looked after and not just fucking put in a cupboard.

But genuinely. That's true. Like my mom had a cousin who she would regularly refer to as he was mentally and physically handicapped. Every time she brought him home. Was she or not? In the face that he went? She wouldn't do this. He only had four fingers.

We call him claw boy. He's in the cupboard. He was in an aquarium. So my mum's auntie, so that the guy who was mentally and physically handicapped, as my mum would say, was my mom's was my mom's cousin. So her auntie would like I met him a couple of times and he was always like, he was on a lead even though he's a grown man.

So her auntie would just have him on like a short lead or a long lead? He goes to a bath, he runs to the road. A lead. No way! He's here tonight, this is your life! He can't work the handle for the door. Mickey, is this making you feel bad? She's got a cousin on a lead, his is in the cupboard, I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. back like a child lead. Yeah but he was a fully grown man. Like when I met him he was older than my mum as well so I think he was about 45 when I met him and then I won't say his name but they're

like yeah this is you know. Did he have poo bags? What? Did he have poo bags for them? No. It's before poo bags. It's awful but like that was just the way they did it back then. Not everyone. Not everyone. I'll be honest, I know the point you're trying to make, but not everyone had leads for them. You know what? 9-11 did change a lot. Put the lead away. Things are different now. As soon as Tower 2 went down, the lead went in the bin. It was their way of being like,

the family apparently was like, we want them to enjoy being outside, but we can't trust them to not run away. If he sees a cat, he'll fuck off. I think he'd run away once when he was like- Chasing a bull? In his late thirties. I think he'd run away in like his late thirties.

And they were like- He'd always come back. Jesus. He always lands on his legs. You've dropped most of the windows. I think he'd run away in like his late 30s and they were like, He'd always come back. Jesus. He always lands on his legs. He'd drop most of the windows. It's a very positive thing that times have changed and you know. It's millennium. Post like Shrek. It's very funny.

I think we might need a break. I don't know. Ah, Pes just won the podcast by the way. If you're at a point in life when you're ready to lead with purpose, we can get you there. The University of Victoria's MBA in Sustainable Innovation is not like other MBA programs. It's for true change makers who want to think differently and solve the world's most pressing challenges. From healthcare and the environment to energy, government, and technology, it's your path to meaningful leadership in all sectors.

For details, visit uvic.ca slash future MBA. That's u-v-i-c dot c-a slash future MBA. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling. That's uvic.ca slash future MBA. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino,

where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. And we are back with part four of four. Now Mickey, if you were president of the world, you know, and you can put some executive orders through can be as mean. I mean, some of the guests we've had on have gone genuinely like public policy, fucking fascist state.

Others have just got into the minutiae of everyday living. You can do what you want with these executive orders. Day one of office. What is your executive order? No more trannies. That's already happened. Isn't that funny? Like someone actually did that. Really? Yeah, Donald Trump did that.

Go on, what have you got? A spray of some more tannies. I think should be made illegal. Why? Just completely illegal. Cause I very Saudi Arabian of you. Yeah. But I just, I want to go to the pub and have a pint. I don't want to have to wait behind a hen party or the most complicated drink of all time. Oh, it's a very, it's not, but maybe in the- Do you just mean cocktails generally? No, specifically a spress of more tinnies. They take longer. They just take fucking longer and they turn people into cunts.

I can't go with you there because I love a little spressy tinnies. You feel great after one like you do feel great. The bar I used to work at back in the day in Hartleys in Preston had a cocktail bar that was, if you wanted cocktails, you went round to the cocktail bar and spent two hours in a busy night. And if you wanted a pint or any other normal fucking boozy drink, you just queued at the bar. Why be a spirit mixers one gaff, cocktails another gaff. It does make things better. I'll take that as a compromise then for enough.

And also, do you remember in the club? I remember in the club, there was a bottle bar. Do you know Dan's going clubbing tomorrow with his missus? For Valentine's. Going to pop world. For Valentine's. Because I know what women want, thanks to Adam and Carl telling me. What's the one spiked? Finn's not allowed to give me advice.

So she's going to the club. She doesn't know yet, but I'm kidnapping my own wife after an Indian. So that's what women want, isn't it to kidnap a face. She's got two partners, a meal and me. I legitimately, you're actually legitimately going clubbing. I would honestly rather end my own life at the pudding part of the meal. Can we make a amendment to this one? Just separate bars? I'll go separate bars. Yeah. I just think like everywhere should sort of stay in it's lane a bit. There should be pubs where they're pubs. So you can go, you know, you're going into a pub, you know, they do

a good paint and that's all they're there for. You can get a spirit of mixing, you can get a little alternative, whatever, but it's a fucking pub. Cocktail bars should be cocktail bars. The pub near where I live at home was always a pub and then it got sort of refurbed and kind of a little bit of ideas above it. Station. Yeah. At Christmas time I made direct eye contact with another man who was just a very Northern Irish. You could tell he worked in a factory, rough hands and he's drinking, he's drinking espresso martini and I was drinking a porn star and we're both just like the fuck happened this place? What have we become? What have we become? Fucking nice. So there's a twist on the espresso martini that I see. I get cocktails on me TikTok algorithm

because I like it's drink. It's called a caraccio. Know what a caraccio is? That's what you got a cough. Sounds like a cough mixture. It's an ounce and a half of liquor 43. Oh, the gear. It's half an ounce of Reposado tequila.

Ooh. And then it's... Ounces. The... I thought my cocktails were measured. I don't know if it is it. Yes. Chado tequila. And then it's the... I told him my cocktails are measured. Is it? Yes. Ounces.

He runs in kilometres. No, cocktails are measured in ounces. Why would you run in miles? It sounds like you've done less. I've run 5k, you've run 3.2 miles. Yeah, you should hear how many centimetres I've run in. Fucking smashing it. Tens of thousands.

You know, no one's asked about centimeters, kilometers sounds good. It does, you're right. Kilometers and miles are the same in people's heads, but I've had more than you, even if I've run less. Out to porn is for the elite. I forget you mixologist. I used to go out to porn, mate. Free porn. I'm a free porn mixologist. Is it nice? Is it the Carrick Keele?

I haven't tried it. It looks good though. I love Liquor 43. Liquor 43 tequila and coffee. Hang on, is this not just a step up from the porn star Martini? It sounds... Do you know what a porn star Martini is? No.

Why would you say that? Espresso Martini. No, Espresso Martini. That's what I said. I literally started by saying I'd seen a cocktail and then I did a twist on an espresso martini. You did. I was a blacked out for that. I'm thinking about doing a 10,000 centimeter run later.

I can't wait to get in. Black gold. Just to the car. I mean, have you had a Godfather? It's not really a cocktail. It's just whiskey mixed with a fucking disarano. It's whiskey and disarano. Yeah.

That's a cocktail. Cocktails are a minimum of two ingredients. That's all you need mate. Cocktail we got together.arano. Yeah. That's a cocktail. It's a cocktail. It's a minimum of two ingredients. That's all you need mate. That's the best cocktail we got together. Godfather. Yeah. We were in Zellig's as customers and Paul Duffy made us a, and it was a lot stronger than I thought it was going to be.

That's the problem. I was making them at home and I hadn't paid attention to the measures I was putting in. So I remember having one and texting my mate like, mate, these are great. I'm already fucking smashed. And then woke up the next morning, walked into my kitchen and there was three empty bottles of non-alcoholic copper Berg. And I was like, someone's been here and I haven't a fucking clue. It was basically I was pouring double doubles. So I just fucked it up and was drinking about a half bottle of whiskey every time I had a class of it and black the fuck out like great night though.

And so the empty bottles for my mate came around, but I just, I had to go through my phone. Right. Be like, who was it texting? Who the fuck was your dick pics on this? What have I done? I was just my mate James, just came around for a chat. I don't remember.

Hey, I'm Keelan on the Superbowl. One of the most amazing performances. So Adam's housemate Keelan, amazing. I really like him. Lovely guy, good, good fun. Was a bit too drunk by the time the Super Bowl was starting and was starting to realise in his drunken state, it would be fun to sort of annoy us who were genuinely looking forward to the Super Bowl

and taking it quite seriously. And then tipped it over into, at one point he wandered off for a piss and ended up at a fire exit. That sort of, someone had to go with him because they were worried. Then came back and sat down, then went very quiet for maybe an hour and a half. Just sort of woke up and was normally going to went, geez, sorry about before guys. Yeah. He went back now. I don't see me phone and then just apologize. So he did the whole cycle of like 24 hours of drinking in. I've never seen anything like it. He just sort of went, Oh God, sorry about that before. That was a nightmare. Apologies. But we were still on the night out.

That happened to me once, remember that? The 49th out where Pete Otway woke up in Oldersfield. Didn't you get blunted again? Yeah. He did that and then got blunted again. He came out and said, Oh, bloody hell, I'll do that again. And went back into the state. Yeah. Peter waited, wake up. He did wake up in Huddersfield. Yeah. Paul Blair got kicked out of his own comedy club for heckling.

I might never told this story on the, on the pop. I don't think so. So we used to play 40 on a Monday after Monday morning comics 40 in Bootle. And it was like three pound each to cover the cost of the pitch. And everyone would pay a fiver every week. And the money just went into like a kitty for a Christmas night out.

So we went for a Chinese at lunchtime, 12 p.m., big bowl. Big bowl, yeah. And then just headed on a day on the aisle. And yeah, so we went to a little bit of a party. And then just headed on a day on the aisle. And yeah, so we went to, went to Largos. I remember being in Largos. Yeah. I can't even remember.

There was some places on Betty Street we went, but anyway, it was a Sunday. And we ended up going to Hot Water Comedy Club. And it was when they were in their Seal Street venue years ago. And we were all fucking hammered by the time we got there. Paul Blair, who owns the club, was in the main room of the gig and it was new act night.

And some guy was fucking bombing. And he shouted as the owner of the club from the back of the room, fucking hell that was shit, you won't be back. And Binti had to be like, you need to go. So he got kicked out of the room. Did he accept it? He moved into the barn area, but was refusing to be removed from the building. But then Carl set the fire alarm off and told Binti it was me.

Oh shit yeah! In the toilet? In the toilet? Yeah, you pulled the red cord and disabled toilet. Oh, you lot, including Blake, a nightmare to turn up to a new comedy night. And it's such a dangerous combo. Oh yeah. Pete Otway got the train home and woke up on the platform in Huddersfield. He'd fell asleep on the train and was like obviously hammered.

So they took him off the train, but he doesn't remember that bit. So he's just in Huddersfield. And then he was ringing his missus apologizing for being such a mess So they took him off the train, but he doesn't remember that bit. So he's just in Huddersfield. And then he was ringing his Mrs. Apologizing for being such a mess and take being out so late and she was like, Peter, it's our faith. Honestly, you, you know, five aside has gone wrong when you start in Bootle and ending Huddersfield. Something's

amiss there. We did, we did a comedian's Christmas party two years ago, just in Belfast. It was like made up at one. We'll just fucking, we'll take it easy. See what happens. And I remember going into a burrito place and being like, are you still open? And the guy went to quarter past four. I'm all for this, this day drinking, the brunch thing, the all day parties. I think it's fucking class. It's the same as long as there's enough people all agreeing to do it.

You just, you're getting that, but you're just starting early. Nothing wrong with it. It's a picture of me in the shop on Bald Street. Cause we started early and we were in Maya, which is underground. You don't know what time it is. Fuck dressed as Scouse Jesus in a wheelchair in a corner shop. I'm like, Oh, we'll just go out. You'll be fine. I'll be drunk. And it was 10 past seven. I'll send you the picture. And then, yeah, same thing. You don't realize cause you're fucked. Merely those that everyone's just like going

home from work. There's one in Belfast, isn't it? Across from Lavares. There's a hotel that's got a bunch on. And I got there, I think Saturday, to do my tour show, which is, if you haven't been, if you're anywhere near Belfast, what a perfect room above a pub. It's so class. And we checked in, maybe got there half two in the afternoon,

got the train down from Dublin. No, hang on, sorry, flew over and got from the airport. And it was like, it was one AM nightclub vibes, but it's half past two in the afternoon and they're falling out onto the street. That's when it doesn't work great. What time does that start?

Four, four till 10. I thought it was like two o'clock. I'm doing a dance event. I can do that now, I don't do drugs. EJP money. We've got one from the listeners. We're still doing that. Executive orders. Have you just done one? Was it just one? We're going to just... It was just a special... Is that all we've done? Yeah. Okay. Great.

We're sort of talking about drinking again. That's called the fucking pub. Is that all we've done? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Great. That's the fucking pub. Oh, what happened to the Guinness and the British? Anyway. Um, OH0910. Yeah. Okay. Cool. Says executive order. Anytime a murder is committed, the murderous sentence should be the age of the victim taken away from a hundred. Yeah. Say that again. So imagine you kill a 99 year old. Yeah. You get one year in prison. If you kill a one year old, 99 years in prison. Okay. Yeah. I went in the nice. I felt less fun. Yeah. But I really enjoyed the symmetry of it. Yeah. I could see it. It kind of makes sense. No, but then if what if you just, if you really want to commit a murder, but the only thing stopping you is the jail time. So you just

start going fuck it. I could do two years. It should be the one thing stopping you though. Yeah. But I mean, no, but it should be your morals during your soul. Yes. All right. But like a 99, but also does it, how close does it get? Like how, how small are the increments? So if I kill a 99 year old, it's a year, but what if they're 99 years and 364, do I, do I do a day in prison? Cause I'd love to know what made a feels like. There are 101. They go to prison. Their corpse goes to prison for a year. You get a get out of jail free

card. Would you like to know what made the feels like? Yeah. No. Comedy podcast. I believed it. Yeah. Wouldn't you? I want to know what everything feels like. That's why I dip me chips in milkshake. The Mac is try everything once, you know, chips in milkshake, kill a hundred year old. That's gonna to be a great documentary on Netflix when you commit murder. When you something was up. As soon as you see McDonald's banana off a chip. I always thought I was a little fucking menace doing that when I was a kid and turns out everyone's into it.

It's currently on the advertising. Yeah. Not for me. Yeah. Cause you're a fucking gimp. I mean, I would never do it, but I've tried it with the others. Like, okay, that's fine. It's not as bad as you think it is.

I tried it. Yeah. I don't get it. We still talking about murder or I'd like an executive order put through that. You know, the drinks machines at five guys. Yes. Where it's the full set up all the soft drinks, Dr. Pepper, diet coke, Fanta, in zeroes, caffeine free, full sugar, with every fucking flavor combo possible. Like I love it, get Diet Coke and then go Diet Coke cherry, but then do that to two thirds, and then go Diet Coke vanilla for that two, oh yeah, yeah.

Perfect ratios. I think anywhere that has a drinks dispenser should be forced by law to have that fully stocked all the flavors as their drinks. Because it makes Nando's look shit. Five Guys is good for the drinks. You know what's really annoying? And you're gonna think I'm mad here, someone's gonna say it's a Mandela effect or someone's gonna say I'm lying or whatever. The Nando's in Liverpool 1 had that machine for maybe a month and then they took it away.

Did it? Yeah. No. Yeah. Wow. Cause I remember it being there and there's no way I'm just dreaming about going to Nando's and getting a fucking Sprantamase. There's no way that I'm just fucking making that up. They had it. Once you've got it, you can't go back shortly. Once you've lived. It's probably stocking it's a bit of a faff, isn't it? Oh, it is a faff, but let's make back shortly. Once you've lived- It's probably stalking it, it's a bit of a faff, isn't it? Oh, it is a faff, but let's make the effort. But yeah, they are doing it.

Slim chickens, slim chickens are doing it. Yeah. If you go to Pizza Hut, which we do with the kids sometimes, shite, it's like a bastardized version of it with 7up and Pepsi. Not nearly as good. Cinemas do it, which is a waste. That's not what I want. Oh, you have a showcase, does it?

That's not what I want the fancy drinks. No, I do, because you get a big bastard. I always get a nice blast. That's not when I want that. The showcase does it? That's not when I want the fancy drinks. No I do because you get a big basket. I always get an ice blast. That's just me. No but in the showcase it's, what's the American one? It's not ice blast. Oh but like an Icy. Icy and it's too sweet. Talking about booze, if you were a pub or a nightclub, just buy a Tango ice blast. You could whack some booze in there.

That would fucking sell wouldn't it? A tango ice blast mix with two shots of vodka. If we were in the pub and we were all on the Guinness and you'd both have a mixed tango ice blast with a bit of vodka and homophobic things are being said. But then we'd all immediately go and get one after. It's an 8.8. I've got an executive order. Um, if an item is out of stock online, don't show me it. I don't want to go that's sick. Can't get it. If it's out of stock, take it off the website. But what about the size in car? That's it. That's

in stock. Oh, like a completely out of stock. Oh, it's gone out of stock. What about like the websites that let you notify when it's back in? Who wants that notification? No. ASOS do that. Yeah, you can notify. You don't want it though, do you? Doesn't matter. After the fact, you don't want it.

Two weeks later and it's like that thing's back and you're like, I have moved on. No, I'm a lot less impulsive than you. Famously. Famously. Get your Ad ass jacket out, mate. Like if I want something, then it's very rare I give up on things. Conor McCarrick says, executive order, cinemas need to show two times. The time the trailers are being shown and the time the actual fucking film is starting. No one is going to cinema wondering when the made in the Royal Navy advert is being shown.

I go to the cinema. That's a part of it. That's a part of it. Yeah. The adverts. The adverts. The trailers. The trailers.

But also if you go enough, you know when the film starts because you work it out. Because it's always the same at every cinema. Like every cinema has its, has its time. Like the one, the one mirror here, it's 20 minutes has its, has its time. Like the one, the one mirror here, it's 20 minutes after the, it says that's when the film starts. So you can time it. But I like trailers, but I don't want the ads. But I've noticed a few have started going like add trailer ad and that's fucking pissing me off.

Why is all in such a rush? Just chill out man. Just got like it's a part of the event. Go to cinema, get your snacks, get your ash blaze, get a drink, just go and sit and enjoy the Colgate advert. You're having a night out. This is what I'm here for. No it's not what you're there for. It's just part of the experience innit. Can I say that I went to the cinema today, they need to get better soundproofing because I went to see We Live In Time, which is a really nice, quiet, somber film, but next door Godzilla was on. So it just seemed like Godzilla was outside the house all the time and they didn't

mention it. And it was so off putting when they're having a really emotional moment because they're outside., God's in the house, outside your house. It was my dad's cousin. It was his dad's cousin watching the film. Is that cinema near a cupboard? So just put better soundproofing in because it kind of ruins the immersion when you can hear, you know, 60 foot lizards next door when you're watching a nice film.

I've got one. I've got an executive order. I think this is more like, um, so the person, whoever invented the led headlights on cars, the first day of being tried at the Hague. Yeah. Because that's not on the white, the white headlights. They've got not a band. I've got them. There's too much now. It's getting dangerous. Yeah. The nicer the car, the more blind in the light. Snakes pass. Have you said this before? This was fucking horrible. Right. So I drive a Range Rover Velar and I'm so bad for just getting something and never looking into like how it actually works. Right. So I buy the

car and the fella goes yeah you like today you win screw drivers near this all this and he goes oh and you never have to worry about your headlamps with automatic exactly if you don't the motorway it'll it'll put your full beams on when the road pitch black and it'll take them off when there's light when when the car senses there's enough light and you don't need them to turn them off and I was okay cool he never told me how to turn the automatic thing on and off. And I'd never really thought about it or needed to. And we were on tour, Steven's in the car with us,

Carl's with us and Thomas Green. And we were in Sheffield and we were driving back from Sheffield over Snakes Pass, which is largely pitch black at all times. And pretty dangerous. And pretty dangerous. And dangerous. And very dangerous. It takes about an hour, don't it, to get over snakes pass if you drive it like carefully.

I don't even know, Mickey, on your left-hand side, if the car crashed, you're dead. It's off. You're off the cliff edge. It's dangerous. It's weird. And there's a fella in front of us, but his red brake lights that are on, on the back of your

car. They weren't bright enough for my car to know that there was enough light in the area. So occasionally like a car would drive towards us and they'd go off to normal. But as soon as that car went past us, my full beams would be back on shining into this guy's car but I couldn't risk flicking a button because then we'd be in pitch black in the middle of snakes back on the side of a fucking club. Every now and again it would register the lights and turn them off and then quickly turn them back on so it looked like Adam was behind them just flashing them. They were shitting themselves. It was the most uncomfortable. It was like a fucking murderer in the back of my car. It looked like he was being a big fat son. It was the most uncomfortable. It was a fucking murder in the back of my car.

It was, it looked like he was being... I was literally saying, I was like if he stops this car and comes to punch our head in, we've got to just let him. I know, I'm sorry. That was wonderful by the way. Have you got another one Mickey? I've got a couple. I think uh, do you know those automatic toilets you get in airports? The automatic flush? Yeah. I think whoever invented those should be taken outside and beaten to death. What? What do you mean? Do you know that like the ones that you like touching other people's poo? Do you? No, but I don't like whenever my poo splashes up on my balls. It's not finished. Do you know if you don't have a fucking quick shit in the airport? Do you lean forward so the sensor doesn't see you? Yeah. But then when you're

wiping you have to move around a little bit and see what's going on. Do you have to get it? Do you like touching people's poos? Do you like having your own poos? Am I the only one? I'd always Come on, look at that, we're just fucking bash. Emmanuel flush. No, I don't like touching poo or piss. But you flush it before you go. So like, so you're saying if you walk in there's poo and piss and a flush you go, well, I can't do that. What? Like if you go into a bathroom, there's already poo in it. You flush it.

Yeah. No, I'm not using that toilet. Really? I know this is- What if you're really stuck? That's what's happened to me. I just go to the next one and like if there's only one cubicle that I will, I've got no choice. I don't have poo privilege. I've got IBS. If I've got to go, I've got to go. You know what I mean? But I like, like when I go into a bathroom, like I stopped on the way home from, I was in the lakes last night. So driving home, stopped at Charnock Richard Services, classic.

Classic. Classic, you know what I mean? Wow, KFC in there. And I went into one of the cubicles for a poo. And there was just a bit of skid marks at the back of the toilet, so I just went to the next one. Because although I know every single one of those toilets has been pooed in at some point, I like to have the illusion in my head that no one's ever shitted before and I'm the first shitter. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? So any sort of evidence

that someone else has done a muck in it, I'm like, I'm going to the next one. This morning this is just happened to be clear. It was a clean toilet, perfectly fine. But as I was having a shit, it auto flushed. So the water starts going up and you're fucking panicking that you're going to get poo water on your balls. And I don't like that feeling before. That's the same in America, isn't it? It's too high in America. Yeah. Yeah. And the cubicles aren't the doors aren't big enough in America either. Anytime I've been there hasn't been a good, I like a, like a Wetherspoons full length door. Feels like a small ensuite. Yeah. And America you can see over the top of it. It's a bit of a, like a primary school fucking toilet. So where there's gaps at the top and the bottom, that

sounded like I know a lot about primary school. This is good. You can get your head under the door. I like the, uh, the no touch. I like that flush. That's what we're talking about. No, cause even though there are some, they're no touch as well, but they're like, if I just sent movement, yeah. Or if it's the seams, the head, this is the light. So my big fat torso moves an inch whenever you're in an airport, so it's just copy balls. I'm doing that anyway. I do. I do that. You're right. I just think I liked them. Yeah. I think they're good. I don't want to touch. We're not passing it. I mean, it's an executive order. It does pass. I still have a word. I wanted Mickey's final order. I apologize. He said he had a couple. So I apologize, Mickey. This one,

this one is, it's not great. Uh, I think anyone who stops walking in a doorway should just be strangled. The first thing I ever done for this was in city centers, there is a minimum walking speed and there's lanes, normal walkers and stupid fucking doordlers. And it's never worse than in a doorway. And people who do not have the self-awareness that there's other people around them. That fucking drives me nuts. It were just like, when they're just walking around,

they're just like, oh, just stop here. And then I'll just, oh, I couldn't possibly be in anyone's way. And you're in a door frame that's just about big enough for the person and a half. Get out the way, you stupid old cunt. And all the old people as well. In boots. I don't know why the doorway and boots like they all get stuck. I think that's passed unanimously.

I mean it is, fucking thank God. The only place I accept it is in Marks and Spencer's because I feel like it's my fault for being in there because that's where they all live in. It's their golf. Slow walking door to an old cunt living Marks and Spencer's. They're all NPCs. They don't have houses. They're just like Pac-Man pieces going around the aisles of fucking they are.

That's all they do. They live in the aisles of Marks and Spencer's and it's my, when they stop and they're like, oh, could you help me get that? Shut the fuck up, you don't even live. Excuse me, son, can you get that out? Shut the fuck up. You're an NPC.

You know the other day, someone stunk in Marks and Spencer's, right? You know when someone's got like B.O. and they fucking stink? And I was like, do you know what? That's barely acceptable anywhere ever. You should always be clean. But I do accept that, you know,

there's a cost of living crisis and some people can't afford to wash. But if you can't afford to wash and you're doing your shopping at Marks and Spencer's, no, mate. Get to the fucking Lidl and while you're there, get some soap, okay? You can't stink in Marks and Spencer's, no mate. Get to the fucking Lidl and while you're there, get some soap, okay? You can't stink in Marks and Spencer's,

you can be dawdling, you can't be stinking in there unless you're old enough to piss yourself. And then that's okay as well. What was it? You don't live. You don't even live. No, get that down, you don't even fucking live. We had a smelly taxi driver from the... From the airport in Geneva.

That's a long transfer for someone who needs a fucking wash. Yeah. They're just being held hostage by a boffy twat. That sounds awful. He was white. All right. Was it B.O.? Was it piss?

Was it, what was there a distinct? Stale, stale, smelly man. Horrible. I had a smelly driving instructor. Was it on the drive? So it's just how many lessons? How many lessons? I could prefer like a year.

Like I could paint you our driving instructors breath. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking hell. Smog. Like Tokyo air. Same driving instructor. Yeah. You know that the thing where you, you get shut and shit what you thought you made. He recommended them to me. So I signed up for him. And after my first lesson, I texted him and was like, he's a nob. And he went, yeah, I know if all would be funny. We both bought 20 lesson course. I'd already booked like 10 lessons.

You both passed with him? Yeah. There you go. It's a good incentive, isn't it? I need to pass because this guy fucking stinks. He was a lizard, I just wanted Adam to see him. Careful green breast cunt. We're doing a Have a Word and then Get the Fuck Out of Here.

It's time to have a word with Adam and Ben and tell us all the problems together with your friends Have you met Matt LeBlanc? Yeah. Kind of. Class that. What do you mean kind of? Well, it was a warm up for Top Gear. The series he was on.

Yeah. How was, how was Top Gear warm up? Fucking horrible. In the round? Yeah. Cause they're everywhere. They're not, there's no seats. Yeah. And it was like the first two episodes as well, because the entire crew left to go to the Amazon thing. They had like, they had monitors like fucking, but the size of that laptop for the audience to watch the VTs. So they had like 500 people standing around.

They would all go watch a video and then the floor managers like, can you, we need to get them all back to where they were standing for continuity. So can you do stand up while removing people around? I'm like fucking, it was awful. It was fucking awful. What was not in the blank like sound? Yeah. Was he just a normal guy? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. He was just standing before it's smoking fags. Yeah. That surprises me. Did you get to talk to him to him? Briefly once. And it was just, it was that thing of like, you don't know how to say it. You say how you doing? You go fuck sorry man. Fucking big fan. Nice to meet you.

Yeah. And then. It's not good for your confidence being a warm guy. You honestly feel like you're the lowest of the low. I did it for about a year and fucking never again. I was like, I was talking to security guards because it was like you would do the full episode of Top Gear, which is about five hours. Then they would ask you to hang around and do the online stuff, which took another two hours with the same audience. So you're completely fucking, you have no jokes left. I remember one time I was standing

outside smoking fags trying to think of a joke and the security guard got me mistaken for the only guy from the last leg. Yeah. Cause I had done a show with Adam Hills like a year before and this guy was talking all about this clip and he's like, yeah, good. Yeah. I remember I was leaving. He's like, and thanks to see Alex. And I'm like, there's a couple of differences between me and him. He is black hair. But it was the whole experience of the nightmare. I did one for Miranda as well. The last episode of that. I remember having to go back out and a guy in the audience went, I'm like, I know, I know. Like, it's fucking. Have you done it? I did it for Gok Wan. I did it...

Gok Wan... Something for summer. Dressing for summer. It's all about the confidence. That's real. I did five of those. I couldn't afford to not do it. Is he a DJ though? Gok? DJ Gok? He's a DJ, Lee.

Get him at Dan's Anthems. Get him to a warm up for you. Erm, it's nice, who's nice was Goch. What, like, do stretches? Stretch it out. It's all about the stretching. Warm up for me though. I did Jonathan Ross a couple of times. Oh yeah?

But it was after he'd fucked around with the Radio 2 thing with Russell Brand. Yeah. And he was on a short leash. That was a sinking ship, and you could tell. Everyone was on edge, everyone was fucked off, and it had finished within a year. And it was not a good atmosphere. Soon as you walked in the building, you were like,

you're there, you're getting paid, fine. And obviously you're at television center in West London, so it feels like it's an opportunity for you, which is stupid because it's fucking not. It's one of those things, if you get good at warmup, they'll keep you as a warmup because it means they don't have to go looking for one for the next series or something. But in your head you're like, I'm in front of so many like, and I'm sure that has worked out. Apparently Alan Carr did a bit of warmup and it was brilliant for him, but there's

been a thousand names that have done it and yeah. Do you think if they did like if Jonathan Ross's show started now do you think they the four puffs on the piano would pass? Do you think they'd allow that these days? I don't know you know if hula hoops aren't allowed to smet sell hula hoop puffs anymore I don't know if four puffs on a piano. Is that trueed. Puffed, yeah. Yeah. Hula puffs. What would it be though? Cause like if they went with it and they were like, it's just for four gay guys. Four space idiots and a piano. Doesn't have the same thing. Four homosexuals and a harp.

Change the instrument. We'd have known though wouldn't we? Wouldn't have to say it. Once there's a harp out, you've got a clue. Change the instruments. I saw it was a piano, P. Doesn't really rhyme. Homosexual instruments. I saw a piano. P doesn't really rhyme. Homosexual. Harp. Big after. I'm good. I'm trying to think of some. Who's four gays with guitars? Think of an instrument. Come on guys bongo. That's to have a word. Four dash pilots. Friend of the gays. Four dash blasters. I'm a sitar Indian. I've got one for French horn. I'm afraid to say it.

That's it. That's it. I have a word. Go and find Mickey Bartlett on all social media. Come and see me. I've added loads of shows to my website. I'm doing Adam Rowan Friends. It's all new material.

I've got three of me mates at me at every single show. And on top of doing those shows, we're doing the Murderers Row Tour. And the only shows with any tickets left really are London and Cardiff. There's like a handful of tickets to all of them, but the only ones with any chunk of tickets left is the first show in Cardiff and the first show in London. Some of the best stand up I've ever been involved in. I'm excited for everyone that's got a

ticket. If you haven't got one yet, now is the time because once it's gone, it might be years till we do it again, if ever. And we'll let him, Finn do his little ding ding dings at the end of the show. He's ding ding dings. He does Indian songs. He learned them in India. My new website, dannightingale.com is up. It's got all the tickets for, links for Dan's Anthems. It's got tickets, links for the karaoke. We've got the next one at Teddy's in Liverpool on Saturday, April the 26th. So any of my live stuff include in Dan's Anthems, which is my dance event on the 20th of April, Easter Sunday with a bank holiday the next day, dannightingale.com.

Mickey, that was a fucking pleasure, my friend. It was fucking great to be here, finally. Thanks very much, boys. Where did we find you, Mickey? Yeah, just Mickey Bartlett on socials. I've got a website, mickeybartlettcomedy.com, so there'll be dates and stuff going up. I'm working on a tour at the minute, so there will be a tour release soon. And I've got a special coming out if it looks good, but it might not.

How often are you doing the lazy boys with Shane and Willie? But once every two weeks. It's very fucking funny. It's good fun, yeah. Just fucking, it's just kind of, it's like a comedy gym, it's just the three of us trying to outdo each other.

Yeah, that's also what we are in here. Yeah. Especially on Patreon. Go on, so we'll end the episode with a bit of music. Four puffs and a piano? Yep, that's what that's this week. No, before that, the song I wrote for the India special called Round Here is going to be out next week and it's going to be on next week's episodes. But if you want to pre-save it and pre-order it, all the money's going to Zoe's place.

So the link will be in description for that. That's cool. And Sereka's on it. Sereka's singing on it. Yeah. Oh yeah. You can hear her supple tones. And this week the act is called Finn Forster. It's the tune I sent you the other night. Oh really?

Yeah. I DM'd him on Instagram and I was like, we really like this tune. Do you mind if we play it? And then, yeah, it was all good. So this is by Finn Forster and it's called Long Nights. Honestly, I've listened to this one. Not shite. And that is a five star review. Love you lids. See you. All those long nights with you in my arms.

Ain't got no worries when you're safe from harm. Ain't got no money or a place to call our home There's a reason I was holding on to something that gave me more than I've ever known I'm going to make a cake sheet. I'm going to make a cake sheet. I'm going to make a cake sheet. I know that I've got time and days to you I hope you see it too

All those long nights with you in my arms Ain't got no money I'll see you safe from harm Ain't got no money Or a place to call our own There's a feeling, something on the other side Had me moving through a different side with you I'm tired with you It's been long But I know that I've got time

And days with you I hope you see it too All those long nights With you in my arms Ain't got no worries And you're safe from harm Ain't got no money Or a place to call our home

Those are lost daydreams That I once knew Sometimes I sit back and I think of you Isn't it funny? I was someone you knew Someone you knew