Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #317 with Sophie McCartney & Brennan Reece - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: February 24, 2025

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our brand new website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comDan's Anthems: https://www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Liverpool/Content/DANS-ANTHEMS---HAW-Dance-All-Dayer-4pm---10pm/40595747/Comedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's Karaoke Party: https://skiddle.com/e/40472096Listen to Round Here (Taken from the India Special): https://finnlayk.lnk.to/RoundHereAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_youtubeLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Merch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it and I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn, this is the one and only Have Our Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming.

Go Ed, get on me. Ow! Hey! Ow! Shit. That night in Gale is on a three day trip to Alton Towers with his kids. That isn't a joke. Here's the thing, like normally when Dan's away, we make sort of an up,

but there's not a more ridiculous than what he's currently doing. It's really, three days is too long. I think what's happened is, I think his kids have gone, A, my mates from school are going to Disneyland during the like half term. Can we go to Disneyland? And then he's probably like,

cause Dan's a bit fucking, he's tight with his money. Even though he's earning more. Like even though he's earning more these days. He's making bank, you know? He's still the same, but he's always being. Dan Bankingale, they call him. You know, he's earning a bit more, but he's still a bit tight with it.

So I think he's going, oh, Etta, Jack, hey. We've got Disneyland Paris at home. All the Alton Towers. And I think he's sort of backed himself into a three day trip to Alton Towers. Can you even stay in Alton Towers? He's just driving around. Oh yeah.

Yeah, they're not camping. There's a cat crashing in the car. Go to sleep in the boot at her. But what can you do over three days in Alton Towers? I think three hours is too long in a theme park. It makes me tired. Three hours? Water parks are good, cause you can lounge.

You can't just go and lie down in Alton Towers. Can you? Next one. You can go on the swans. They make me tired. I don't like them because I'm scared of dying. That's me. But not many people die. That's what they want you to think. There was like a girl on the smiley conspiracy theory. She just lost her legs. I thought she was

on reset queen of speed. It was the smiley. The smiley at the end. Most rotations in the world 14. I don't know why I know this. I think I've just found out I've got autism. 14 revolutions on the Smiler. Oh wow. I'm just not. I used to like a lot of coasters and now I'm bored of them. Apparently it's quite normal as you get older to be more aware of your own mortality and get scared more of things like that. People get more scared of flying roller coasters, gas hobs as they get older. Did you ever hear what Frank Skinner used to do

on roller coasters and he'd take a screw to a roller coaster and then, do you know, he goes, and he just dropped one. I go, what the fuck? Yeah, I just don't trust them. I know they're technically safer than water slides, but I'm a big water slide guy. Well, we've been on a water slide.

Are you hurt yourself? Did I? Yeah. Oh yeah. Do you not remember? We. Well, we've been on a water slide. Are you hurt yourself? Did I? Yeah. Do you not remember we went on, we were in Dubai. On our couples holiday. It's so funny that, why were we on a couples holiday?

We went to Dubai, which is the desert. We went skiing. Just me and him and a girl on a ski slope. That was it. Didn't you go sandboarding as well? No, I think that was another time. No, I went that was another time. When I was in Dubai on my own, I was still pissed when sandblasting, which is not bumming. Like it is you get a buggy and you fucking rag it all around the desert. Yeah.

But we did go skiing with Libby. Oh, lovely, lovely. Lovely Libby. And she's a skier, she's a skisman. He'd never been and he, in true Adam style, he's like, I can do this. It's so funny to watch him on a kid's slope. I've done like four lessons and I still can't really do it. But yeah, we went to the water park. We had a fun time on the wave machine, just being like bowled over.

And then we went on the biggest one, which I don't know what it was. Oh, I cut my elbow. You cut it really bad? Yeah, I was bleeding everywhere in the water. So they put you in like a coffin, a stood up coffin. Oh, you dropped. And the bomb drops and they go, keep your arms in.

And he just goes, hey. Yeah, like a natural reaction. Then come out the bottom. You know, cause the floor opens out from beneath you. Quite a natural, like it was like a millimeter. And then I got stuck in the doughnut. He got stuck in a doughnut. On the lazy river?

No, on a natural slide. Like as I was getting out, it just wouldn't come off. Different days, different times. Yeah, rollercoaster, I don't know, I used to like them and now they're just a bit like, oh yeah, I get it. You end up just getting off again, starting where you're gonna be.

And if it ended up somewhere new, that'd be good, wouldn't it? I think you're secretly like really depressed, you know, deep down and you got on a roller coaster and you got off and you was like, wow, I'm in a new guy. What's the point in getting on that roller coaster? You're just going to have to get off it again. Back here are we? Imagine getting off a roller coaster and you're somewhere new. That was sick. What a way to get there. What's the point, mate? Just get an Uber. Friend, everyone dies.

Get an Uber with someone with a really low rating and it's the same thing. Speaking of daredevils, have you seen Bonnie Blue's gonna do a skydive cocksuck? What? And the next stunt is she's gonna suck someone's cock. She's not Jackass. Yes, she's not.

Skydive cocksuck. Well there was rumours yesterday, wasn't there that, she was pregnant, cause she put a selfie up saying, it's giving MILF energy and people put two and two together and got a baby. And yeah, there was rumours she was pregnant. And that would have been box office, social media. Whose is it?

But genuinely whose is it? A thousand people walked there in a day. A thousand and fifty seven. In a day it? But genuinely who's is it? A thousand people walked in a day. 1057. Not that I've looked into it. That was one day. That week she's got to be in 1500 by the end of the week. I don't think by that but like I think that was the week. I don't think the other six days she would go in. I feel a bit horny. I don't know. She looks good. She's game as a badger like.

Do you know what's mad? Professionally game. She's like Messi and Ronaldo, she's ruined numbers. Oh yeah, Ronaldo had 140 goals in the Champions League, you know, like, well, he's only getting 40, he must be shite now. She shite a thousand men in a day. That's so... if someone shite ten men in a day, you're like, wow, that is a lot. Yeah, and now it's just like fucking up your game girl.

Yeah, there's people that are 100 times that. But the annoying thing is there was a woman, do you remember Annabel Chung? She sounds like a porn star. She wasn't porn star. Bel Chung. Yeah, Bel, Annabel Chung. And she did 500 in a day in the 90s.

And it was messy. All old men, yeah. All old men. All old men, yeah. All old men. Yeah. All old men. Well, yeah, she's gonna jump out of a plane and suck her cock. I'm here for that.

This is the next level because the numbers, like you say, the numbers is done now. Like if someone does 1500, you're like, oh, it's not that much of a leap. Like it's just the endurance of a thousand is sound. Now, Daredevil stuff, like next, it's gotta be a gangbang skydive. Moon blowing. Gangbang skydive.

And they're all doing that hand thing in a big circle. Moon blowing. There's a white girl in the middle. Richard Branson sings to the moon and she bums 15 fellas on the moon. He wouldn't take her, cause he's a virgin, innit? Who are you? Is this like a, you know how people go watch the Mission Impossible films,

cause Tom Cruise does all his own stunts. Yeah. Is this like the, you know how people go watch the Mission Impossible films? Cause Tom Cruise does all his own stunts. Is this like the next level of porn? It's like she'll jump through. She does all her own cocks. She'll jump through like She socks all her own cocks. Do you know how porn stars with cock doubles, Annie? Evil Knievel and she goes through like a big ring of fire and lands on a cock at the end. She's going to start mixing it up. You know what I mean? People are going to get bored.

What about the one where, do you know the sellotape? Probably not sellotape, but the feet to a plane. Do you know that one? Wing walking. And then see if she can catch some comb in her mouth. There's another man wanking like Sonic rings. So get in touch Bonnie. We've got some ideas for you girl. after you skydive. If she'd been pregnant, what do you do there? Like what, like genuinely? If she wants to keep it, because I mean.

If she kept it, like whose baby is that man wise? That's an episode of Jeremy Kyle, you want to see in it. Bring them all out. It'd be like quite hard to find them. Be impossible. It would be impossible. Because not all the men would want to help. Obviously he did two sides to the workout,

it was Baby it is. True. The baby could have been anything from like Chinese to Pakistani to black to white to something else, Mexican. Like the cue was indiscriminate. She was walloping everyone in that cue and some of them had balaclavas on, mate. So some of them don't even like want to admit they were there.

Maybe that's what it come out with, balaclava first oh oh it was his number 36 i don't know like what's they're all waiting there with their argos tickets tell us the story about i mean i asked that question but tell us how about i was conceived oh you know well your fella your dad was number 940 he was a bum like him that day and you know he hit the jackpot you'd be made up by the way if you'd only bummed her and found out she was pregnant. Oh thank god. Not me mate, I did it in an asshole. If you're 913 it's like when you put loads of money into a fruit machine it's like it's gonna come round and start getting a baby to Bonnie Blue.

Wasn't there a dad and a lad in the queue? They did it together. Yeah, seven year old. So with the deer... Go on son, you're gonna do it at some point. No, we're gonna fuck her babe. And it might be yours. You must be this tall.

You must be this tall to bum Bonnie Blue's ass. Three days at Bonnie Blue land. Like, oh. After Dan's like. Dalek go there. Come on, that's where Dan is. Oh, I'm gonna have three day trip to Alton Towers. I wish we had the live stream on the wall of Dan's face right now.

There's no way he's happy. The week that that happened, that thousand bound cock fest, I was filming an episode of Hollyoaks, right? I know, where I was playing a gay sex trafficker. Sorry, say that again. You'll have to pause and go back two weeks. Which bit? That bit.

You were filming an episode of Hollyoaks and you played a gay sex trafficker. Yeah, yeah. So, question number one. Yeah. The people you would traffic them were gay or you were gay? Both. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Gay squared. Yeah, keep it in the family. Like a gay pimp. Like a gay pimp. A gimp. A gimp. Hang on, so you're the gay pimp on Hollyoaks. Yeah. Keep going. And then the day we were filming. No. I want to know how you got the job as a gay pimp. Oh. He's an actor. I'm an actor. How do you audition for gay pimp? Audition comes through. You give me a line.

Alright. Hello there. There's about three gays here. How many do you want? Hello there. I have all three. Imagine I turned up with that voice. guys here. How many do you want? Hello there. I have all three. Imagine I'd stand up with that voice, hello there. How many do you want? I don't know what sex traffickers do. Is it like the meet fan fella? It's Hollyoaks.

I don't think they know what sex traffickers do. It was so heavy handed. I got a bag. Pull up. Son of a. So basically got this audition through, I did a self-tape. You usually set it up properly where you put a ring light on and all that, but I forgot about it, so I just did it to my phone with no other lines.

I just went, I'm Keith, I'm the gay sex trafficker. They went, right, you've got the part. Get on the nose. What the fucking hell's going on here? You're going to have to give more meat to this. What do you mean? You mentioned meat, there was a perfect line about meat. So're gonna have to give more meat to this. What do you mean? You mentioned meat. There was a perfect line about meat. Right, so I've been two scenes.

That's it. Is it out yet? No. Oh. I don't know when. So I'm at this gay sex trafficking club where everyone's being gay sex trafficked. Like Sunday league.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should have seen the team picture. The ones at the front were on both knees, not just one. Everyone needs shim pads. Oh God. No, because they're like on their shins, getting ready to suck off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we all know from sucking cocks, the shins is the bit that really hurts, not the knees.

It could do. It depends how little your knees are. I get it, exactly. And then what happens at the gay sex club is the pimps bring the ones out like mascots. It's just children. They bring them here. And we all sing the national anthem, which is wig field Saturday night. You think it's bad for the kids, but they're actually holding the hand of their favorite sex traffic. They're not football fans. They're fans of sex traffic. Some of

their make a wish. Kids will never get to do that again. My son was a sex traffic mascot once. Oh, what the hell. I get to do that again. My son was a sex trafficking mascot once. Oh, bloody hell, what was the big life? I had trials for sex trafficking. Keep going with the sex trafficking club story. So, get the job, turn up, they put me in a suit. They basically dressed me like John Schumacher. Okay. Long coat. And then the seat- People don't know

who John Schumacher is, Brendan. But he does. Imagine. And that's who I care about. Imagine John Schumacher. You'd nail this. You type who John Schumacher is, Brennan. But he does. Imagine. And that's who I care about. Imagine John Schumacher. You'd nail this. Yeah. You typing John Schumacher. Imagine Brennan dressed like a sex replica.

Like a really well-to-do one. That's John Schumacher. So the club scene was loads of extras, lots of beautiful young people, and then lots of older men. So I filmed everyone's legs coming in, and I said, oh, it was the day that the Bonnie Blue thing come out.

And my mom messaged me and she was like, you better not be at that Bonnie Blue thing. Which means my mom knows about Bonnie Blue. And also she thinks you might have gone. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Why the fuck would you go? Cause you haven't sex with a woman.

And a lot of people don't get to do that. I've done it. Yeah, we've all done it. Yeah, she's just goes to a different school, but I've done it. Have you done it? There's a lot of people who are like, oh, I can't be able to get to shag someone who is attractive.

I'll go and do that instead. I don't even think it's just that. Cause some of the fellas in the queue, I've seen some of the actual faces of the men in the queue. They're not like absolute troll goblin men. Like some of them are just normal looking fellas who probably, you know, do fine. I think they actually want to be part of history. I think most people's lives are genuinely that dull and boring. That like, it's a pub story. Yeah. I was there. I was up there. You could say you were there though, couldn't you? Yeah, but like, I can't say anything.

That's stolen valour. True. These are men of honour. So in this scene that I did, I'm trying to get old of a young gay sex trafficked man. Like a Pokemon card. Yeah. I'm like, oh, shiny Charizard, get your ass here now. And they're only allowed to say bitch every three months on Olly Oaks. I got to say bitch.

Oh, you got one of the quarterly bitches? Yeah, I got one of the quarterly bitches. And then I got punched in the face, but I actually got punched in the face by accident off the actress cause she got carried away and split my lip. And then I got to say one of the best lines I have ever heard.

It's so bad. I was grabbing hold of this lad. I'm like, come on, let's have a bum. And he's like, I don't want a bum. I'm like, yeah, but you've been traffic. So they're the rules. You have to get bummed. He's like, I don't want it. I'm like getting there and I get changed by the way. It's not a Hollyoaks nighttime one. This is six 30 after the chase. And then I got to grab hold of the lad. And I said, I heard one of the cameraman's like, like go, I went, I'm at the butchers. I'm at the butchers and I've chosen my meat. And then I get punched in the face. And this is all happening in Cheshire. In Cheshire. In a gay sex trafficking club.

I'm at the butchers. By the dog and duck. This is the problem with soap operas, innit? Like, and like series that sort of run their course anyway is like, eventually it just becomes, all of this can't be happening. Like who would move to Coronation Street? It's been like 40 years.

How's the cheap air? Why? Well, in the past year, the tram has come through a wall every Christmas and Blanchard's died. Looks like El Salvador, the mortality rates like 96% murder. Yeah, you know, if you live here about 20 years, you've done fucking well.

Everyone gets murdered. And then in Coronation Street, you either die by murder or you're Kent and Daisy. And that's it. This is the only two categories. That's so oblivious where they're just like, people keep moving, it's yours. But everyone else is murdered isn't like, oh, he got out the door and he did six months. Also a Coronation Street funeral, that must be chaos with all them cobbles. Just in a coffin. Oh, the coffin. Whatever.

It was devs for you. You said it. We're going to miss you dev. Get down to the knicker factory. You are. Is dev still in here? Mate, he's a fucking shag of dev allah, isn't he? Is he still going?

He's got to be dead by now. They've got to have killed dev off. No, he was at Bonnie Blue's concert. Concert. Is dev still going him? He's gotta be dead by now and they've got to kill dev off. No, he was at bonnie blues concert Is dev still going? Dev is still going dev a la hans still going still going. She got the shop still which isn't problematic is it? Um, but he did have tell you why he's still going he shagged deidre. He got the fucking other powers You know like jada pinkett smith apparently got like a magic pussy.. So is Deji Barlow. That's why Ken and Deva still go to pack died. What? Two pack died. He didn't check Dejri with sheep. Kendrick Barlow. I actually don't think two pack is

that personally. Do you know? I think the same with Michael Jackson. Do you know the singer? Who? MJ. Have you seen that one of Elvis that Elvis is like a priest? The preacher man? Yeah. Is he? And it looks like Elvis and he sings like Elvis. Well then he's still Elvis then isn't he? Yeah and then he goes, no I'm not Elvis, which is exactly what Elvis would say. Yeah, especially if no one's asked him. That means anyone could do that. He's still doing the same thing he was doing, just saying he's not Elvis anymore. He's just lost his mind then, hasn't he? No, I think he wants to get out the limelight.

No, he's still singing. No, but in the future. No, no, no, he's not like, he's not doing concerts. He's a pastor. He's like a church guy. That's how I could tell you. He's a church fella. But like every Sunday, instead of like getting the choir

to do the hymns, he's like, I'm gonna lose my Elvis, mate. He's like, shine, Jesus shine. I instead of like getting the choir to do the hymns he's like, I got this. He's like, shine, Jesus shine. I'd be like, that's you Elvis? No. Then the hymns, I'd be going to that church. If the hymns were banging. I would love to have seen Elvis.

I think that's one of the hololoms. You can, every Sunday. St. Mary's church. If it was an Elvis hologram I'd go. I think that'd be fun, unbelievable. My mom was that sexy, they wouldn't record below his legs. You are. Yeah, he was making girls pregnant through microwaves.

They told him to stop dancing the way he was. I'm having a stroke. So they were like, stop dancing like that, it's too sexy. And when he refused. Elvis. Yeah. And when they refused, they would only show his concerts waist up. It's like, you know how they gave Jerry Adams like an English voice? I don't know who Jerry Adams is. Oh, the Belfast guy?

The Belfast guy. Yeah, the Belfast man. They'd only show him from waist up because his legs were that fucking sexy. That's true. So he'd just be like, like, zimmy them out? You wouldn't see like all the gyrations because women were like, apparently just losing their mind. Because they didn't see anything like that.

What were women up to in the sixties mate? Some of the love innit? All the whole 10 years with some of the love. But like genuinely, what are you talking about? They were losing their minds. Women were literally passing out at the sight of Elvis's legs. And now Bonnie Blue sucks cock in the sky.

Women in the 60s. Can you imagine bringing someone back from the 60s and going, look at that. Like, you're that woman up there. She's sucking someone's cock. By the way, going back to the Bonnie Blue, is she upside down before she jumps out? Like, cause you used to strap.

No, I think she needs to, I mean, she needs to stutter. Yeah. Jo and the two things, dock. I think it's like that. Like when you're refueling a plane. I tell you right now, if she's doing a standard skydive, right, two things, doc. I think it's like that. Like when you're refueling a plane. If she's doing a standard skydive, right?

And the fella's like on her back. And the idea is that someone else does a skydive and gets his cock out and fucks it in the mouth. Imagine how nervous that fella who's on her back is gonna be. Also best client. Oh, no, that's me. He's going, keep going.

Put your hands out and mouth that. Oh no. But then he pulls a mask off and it's Lily Phillips and she's like, I beat you to it. And then she's just cocking this guy first. She unclips body blue. See you in a bit, babe. Yeah. Have you got any Elvis facts? Yeah. So the pastor's called Bob Joyce in Arkansas. Yeah, Bobby Joyce, which is an anagram of Elvis Presley. Yeah.

Just with the letter. Just don't look at it, yeah. Yeah. It's like a private number plate. It does say Elvis. And yeah, people used to, cause this was also in the 50s, he started in the 50s Elvis,

which is before like summer. Before the 60s, yeah. It is. Just before. So, cause in the film, he does, he like gyrate so much that the police arrest him. You get on stage stage the police pull... No, you can't get arrested for having a dance.

It's not hairspray. Have you seen Shade Out of Compton? When they go don't play, fuck the police and they go fuck him, I'll do it anyway and they get arrested. It's the same, but Elvis is just dancing with his legs. Genuinely. So there was... The police take him off.

There was nearly a race riot because of Elvis's legs. Yeah. He stole black people's music, so you know, possible. So he is. What? He's just stealing CDs off of them. Do you know when you used to have to like, people would sell him in the street and they go, he's my rap album.

He's like, I love one of them. I've never paid the fiver. Do you reckon women in the 60s got turned on by those inflatable things as well? And they're going, oh! I love a used car. I love a car wash. Oh! Mexican wave. Oh!

There's not a chance that's true. It is 100% true. It's like the... I remember when Nines just told me, she was like, oh, he was bloody gorgeous. Maybe your nan was just a frisky bitch if you ever thought about that. Possible, but like many other people thought it too. Have you seen the film? As a teenager, I used to get turned on by like even the automatic doors opening slowly, I'd be like, bit like a minge that, isn't it? Like anything was just like funny.

Back when you were an old woman. Like anything was just like funny. When you were an old woman. What was that voice for? Aw. Aw, bloody love it. I love a binge. But do you know what I mean? When you just were looking for it anywhere as a teenager.

I feel like I'm genuinely more like that now. Really? Yeah, like as a teenager, don't get me wrong, I was a horny little devil and stuff. Oh yeah. But now sometimes I like, especially if I'm hungover and my ADHD is going everywhere, sometimes I'll just like walk past a female

and be like, she's got a pussy right there in those pants. Do you think as you say, it's every three seconds for men? Yeah. I think out in the wild, that's possible. Yeah. But not here. I didn't think about it three seconds ago. You did, I did when you mentioned it.

Oh yeah. But yeah, genuinely, it's definitely more there now. I didn't think about it three seconds ago. You did. I did when you mentioned it. Yeah. But yeah, genuinely it's definitely more there now. Fucking asshole. I never think it's in the pants. But it is in the pants? I know it is in the pants, but I never go like, oh God, there's one there and there's one there and there's one there. God, there's on a train. There's loads of them in it. But

I do. Like if there's anything that resembles. Pussy though, yeah. Yeah. Like immigrants. Pussy though, yeah. Yeah. Like immigrants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, can I just check in your pants, see if there's any illegal immigrants in there? But like the classic from when I was a teenager, sort of into me mid to late twenties to early thirties was getting boners on the bus.

If I was ever on the bus. Did you ever diddle yourself on the bus? No. Yeah, no. Dan's wanked on a bus. Yeah, I have as well. Have you? Yep. Back of the bus into a Costa cup. Wasn't my Costa cup.

Whose was it? Was he drinking it? Yeah. I'll have that please, fella. Frap, eh? There you are. Thanks, my brother. Sorry, I just needed to cum.

A bit of creamer in there. But anywhere, I'd do it anywhere. When I forgot my key coming home from school, I'd sit in the garden just having a wank. I would front or back? Back. Just on the bench. Nana's memorial bench. And that's what she would have wanted. And then so there, the bus, the train, train, toilet. I've done it on train, toilet. I've done it on train toilet. Yeah. I've had like on the trains he used them sometimes I just kept bored and I'm like, fuck it. I'm going come in a basin. And

that woman starts talking dirty. Do not throw away any hopes, dreams, nappies, cold fish. Your ex's sweat. Yeah, I've never got that far. Harry, have you ever just nipped to the toilet on the train? No, I don't like trains. I've wanked on a train. It's not the train turning me on, it's my brain. No, but the train actively turns me off. I'm not like, oh, I'm going to eat this. Am I going to have a wank? What about the Pendolino when it's like?

It also stinks of shit in there. Yeah. Like it stinks of active poo. Active poo. Like it's not like someone's just on a pooie and I don't know them. Is it better if you know them? Well, if it's in your mouth, you're like, oh, that's just there. Oh, it stinks of shit. Hang on, now it's not like someone's just on a pooey and I don't know them. Is it better if you know them? If it's in your mouth, you're like, oh, that's just there.

No, it's Josh's. It's not like... It's as strange as poo there. I'm going to go and wank in the sink. Don't put that on the trailer. No, you do it in the toilet. He comes in the sink. Do you?

No. You said basin before? I meant toilet. Toilet basin. That's a good way to life. I didn't mean that. When I was at uni, there was a letter that went round. There we go. He coming in. In the student accommodation that was like, um, please can everyone stop wanking in the showers because

like cum isn't like soluble. It's viscous. Yeah. So it just, so they basically had like a blockage gone to sort it and it's just like the baby waves of corn. Yeah. So they had to send a letter out and go, please everyone stop. Were you coming in the shower? No. Yes. No. No. Hello Ian. Hello Ian. Do you know what one of my biggest fears is out of everything and it involves is coming in someone. I just can't do it. It's too scared. Cause that's the most natural thing to do. No, you just can't. Cause it's like, especially if you're not in a relationship with them. Oh yeah. That's dangerous. Cause you could have a child. But people go like, yeah, yeah. You know when you come to it and up in nine months with thumbs, it's been like, yeah, yeah. You know when you come turning up in nine months with thumbs? Be like, all right, dad. Oh, I'm the girl monster.

Look at my thumbs. I thought it was going to be real thumbs. Hell, I love them. Yeah. So when you've had one night stands, you've never accidentally pumped in. I just can't. And sometimes they've gone, do it in me.

And I go, I can't. Oh, that's dirty. How are you saying no there, mate? Yeah. You have to keep your head. Do it in me. Or they'll grab your hips and try and... No!

What, did you come in an arse? I've never done a bumming. Which I haven't. What? Never done a bumming. Never had anal sex? So give me for saying this sentence. Okay.

But you fuck. I have had sex. You know, you're an experienced sex man. You know your way around. Sex man. Yeah. You've never been in a one time house. No. No. Fingers? Maybe just knocked on the door. But I never. Ringing the bell. Yeah. Postcode lottery. Ring your bell. Knocking at the door. Do you not want to? I'm not against it. I just never, never gone. I want to go in there. That's also not how you bring it up. How do you, how do you sort of them kicked in? Yeah, sorry. He just pointed at something. There's a Paul McCartney thing. Was it me going to not connect the door? going to the door? Um, ringing the bell. Okay. So yeah.

So never bring it up like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have to bring it up. Like how do you bring it up? Can I put me dad in? Put the show? That's a blow job. No. But means someone's adding not on to do with ads is it? Okay. Like bombing it off. If I was having a one night stand and I was in the mood for a trip to Poozville, Tennessee. Yeah. Which is the Virgin train toilets. I, I'd just be like, do you want it in your ass? Stop, stop talking. That's it. And by the way, they're still in the bar. What do you want it in your ass? What? I'm just asking for information. I'm just saying, you want it in your ass?

Come over, come over with a chip in your poop machine. Do you want it in your ass? I'm asking a question. Can I see your bio car please? Do you want it in your ass? In your ass? Can you step out the car please sir? Do you want it in your ass?

Sure. Yes. You bring it up confidently and sort of, you know, can you tell me the benefits of a of a bumhole bumming? Dirty, you know? Yeah. It's a turn on because it's horrible. It's like piss. Yeah. You do piss? No. You don't piss? No. So you don't piss? No. I always think when I'm hungover I watch piss porn sometimes. What? When I'm hungover it just has to be horrible. There has to be piss or little people, you know, or both. They're the perfect height. Pissed off little people. But it's because it's dirtier, isn't it? That's and you can't look at me like I'm fucking crazy. The reason why every fucking third porn video now

is stepmom or stepsister is because it has to be wrong for people to get off. And bumming is wrong according to God. Yeah. True, but with one T, they, I don't know. There's just not, the vagina is like a pepper spilt. Yeah. Yeah It's the air fryer over its time. It just does it how you want it. Yeah, but here's the thing Right is is how I think of it. Right? The vagina is better

Most of the time. Okay, right. I want you to get the vagina as like fries The asshole is curly fries You don't want it with every meal, but every now and then you're like, do you know what I haven't had for ages? An asshole around me. He's right there. Curly fries would get boring. You're like, oh, curly fries. Again, mom. Curly fries two days in a row. You'd be like, I had curly fries yesterday. What are we doing here? Yeah. What are you doing? We had lasagna. But I could have McDonald's chips every day.

True. And that's pussy. And that's what I say to True. And that's pussy. And that's what I say to them. That's exactly, yeah. I want curly fries. I'm just like this, I can go, do you want it in your ass? And she's like, why do you want it in your ass?

She go, cause occasionally I like a curly fry and if she doesn't get what you mean, she's not white. I'm opening sweet and sour sauces around her. Just have a go on that, put your fingers in there. Know what I mean though? I absolutely know what you mean. It's where they poo though, innit?

Yeah. No? What? It's not where they poo though isn't it? Yeah. No. What? It's not where they poo. They poo into the toilet. They poo out of their bum. Yeah. Yeah. They also vomit out the mouth.

And have been sucked off. And kissed. He's kissed him. Have we caught near the mouth? Have you done any bumming? Yeah I've done bumming. Sound like a true liar. Yeah I've done bumming. Yeah I've done bumming. Sound like a true liar. Yeah I've done bumming. You've done it. You've done it. Bum bum.

Bumming, yeah, free time. Not often, but you know I've. Curly fries. He's veggie though isn't he? He doesn't even eat fries. I like a hash brown. That was weird of food. Is that what they call it?

Tater tots. Did you just say he doesn't eat fries? I mean I do eat fries. I like curly fries. Curly fries I think might be better than normal fries. I like it. I like it. I like it.

I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. of food. Is that what they call it? Did you just say he doesn't eat fries? I mean, I do eat fries. I like curly, curly fries. I think might be better than normal fries, but not every day. Horny Harry living up to his name, mate. Not bombing, but yeah, bombing isn't better than, by the way, I've got you and Donna's special meal at the wedding. Is it just like takey dinosaurs and chips? No, it's assholes. So I did the menu tasting and it was nice food. And I was like, how do you and dad, I'm going to like nice. We are ADHD and all over the place here. Carl got back from Italy this morning. He's been

to recce his wedding, wedding, wedding, one of four, four, four, four wedding. One of four is in Italy in Tuscany. Yes. And you went over to have a little nibble menu taste and then do a recce of like the other venues where of an ass of staying just to make sure everything's all right. And it's also a reason to go to Tuscany for two days. And while you were there, did you go, did you go together? I presume. Yeah. And were curly fries on the menu? No. Okay. Fries? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, carry fries at the wedding at the wedding. Not on that. Not in a white dress. Come on. Can we just, are we talking about no. Can I have carry fries at your wedding? You can have carry fries and if you want me in the

company room, we did the menu taste and it was, it's nice, but it was a little bit not normal. I knew it. If it's veggie though, I'll eat anything veggie. I've got, I've got two veggie options. What you mean? It was not normal. It wasn't like take your dinosaurs. That's not normal. I was a dad and no one going to a wedding in Tuscany is expecting to take your dinosaurs and I will die on this. I mean, I'm going to go home. I know he's going to go home and eat this and then be hungry. So no, I just said to the woman, we've got two lizards coming. I'm not on Dan's level. You are absolutely on Dan's level. I had schnitzel the other day. I'm going to ask what you fucking asked. So I've gone to the woman,

just make them two pizzas please. You've got pizzas. Chicago town. Proper Italian pizza. That's so lovely, but also it feels like I'm special needs. You are. I literally sung the postcode lorry thing. What she actually said,

oh, we'll call them the special guys. Yeah, we will. We will put them on the higher chairs at the end of the table. We'll call them the special guys because there's a list of veggies and you're not even in that. You're in the special guy. What's the veggie option? Um, you just won't like it. You're in a freak. You don't like, I love, I love vegetables. I just made it easy for myself. So what am I having? You're having what we're having, which is no, it feels very much like Derma O'Leary is doing the X factor results. It

starts with a, like a bread with some meat and nice things. A butty. Yeah. You're having a corned beef putty. I'd be fucking mad. Corned beef and brown sauce with steak macquoise crisps. Are you a corned beefs man? Yeah. That's not bummin' is it? Are we talking about bummin'? With a veggie option which is a cheese hummus. It was great.

It was made with java beans though. Harry looks like he's like, you're not having that Harry. You're having just... So I went to you, I've got you a cheese a Harry? You're having just I went to you. You're having a three course pizza meal. Absolutely. I've got you a cheese hummus with Java beans. You need to, okay.

We can have that then. Yeah. And then the middle one, the pasta course, cause in Italy they have a pasta course. In Italy? Yeah. Wow. And it's a totally unique kind of thing with like four and it's lovely to stuff with things

and nice things. No veggie option there because that is veggie. Everyone can eat that. And then for the main, it's a steak with a veggie, some kind of aubergine stuff with some chips as well. Peppercorns sauce. No, spuds, not chips. Why? I didn't get the choice. One of them was octopus and it looked like an octopus. chips as well, peppercorn sauce. No, spuds. Not chips. Why? I didn't get the choice.

One of them was octopus and it looked like an octopus. I'd eat octopus. Sorry. You would eat octopus? Yeah, it's weird that, innit? Why would you eat octopus? Because I went to Turkey. It's the most animal one?

Yeah, it looked so... No, because it's alien and it's not even an animal. Oh, look at these aliens. I went to Turkey once and they had no veggie options, but they had octopus and it just tastes like chicken. Oh, would you know? It doesn't taste like chicken. Oh, so you're not veggie? No, he is veggie. He is veggie. He just eats chicken every day. It's his special guys. He's a special guy. He eats vegetables and chicken. It's easier for me to say I'm

vegetables. I've always said I'm veggie everywhere because like then because you're lying that people will cater for me because I don't really any meat bar like fried chicken. But then an octopus. But as a way, as a way, I mean, I do eat a couple of things. I eat chicken and octopus. Alligator as well. Like you're from the deep south. That's what we're talking about here. From Louisiana. But as a workplace, we cater for Dan. So that as an umbrella cater to me.

Yeah, so I put you in my workplace. You're like a veggie, Dan. Yeah, but I eat more stuff than Dan. You're a van. Not really. Dan wouldn't eat aubergine. Oh, well you wouldn't call it all. It sounds like a option. Do you want octopus or octopus or the octopus? It was an octopus tentacle. I ate it because you know, when I'm in Rome, nearly, when they're Rome and it

was that other steak. What steak are we talking? Ceylon, ribeye, filet mignon. I don't know it was steak and it was nice. One minute. It had fat on it. Fat on the outside or through the middle? Fat on the inside. I'm sorry fat on the outside. Yeah yeah. Ceylon. It was yarmulke and then there's a dessert table with numerous desserts. Can you do that custard? That's it. I've asked them for the cost. It's good enough. I know this is your great grandma's tiramisu recipe, but there's this place and it's the serving their wine because it's a vineyard. Great. It's all award winning wine and I don't like wine and I was driving so I was like just give me a taste of each rather than a glass.

So I was blathered on the glass and I liked all the wines, which is very rare. You'll know that. And I drank the red wine. The thing is though, the only reason you don't really like wine is that you don't drink good wine. Yeah, yeah. This was good. Like when we went to B bunch with all the girls and stuff for dinner a few months ago, you were just like, no, I don't want wine. And you had a beer and I was like, just fucking have some wine. And you, when you get stubborn, like I can, you're like, no, I'm having a beer. I'm not having any of it.

If you got like a proper, I had, I had bunch wine like that. Same. Same. Because you've judged wine off the wine that we would have had in fucking Envy, like Blossom Hill, when we were like 18. And it's disgusting. It's absolutely horrific if you get a good one. Oh, it was great. It was lovely. In 2008, it's one of the best wine in the world.

I was like, yeah, I can tell. Is that it? What's, 17 years ago? Yeah. When people talk about wine as well, like when they like people who were like going to, I'm not even talking like high end the dogs bollocks stuff. You're like when people are like, Oh, if I go to Tesco and get a bottle of wine for the night, I'm getting like a four pound bottle. I'm not paying nine quid for a bottle of wine. It's like nine quid for a full night of drinking. Yeah. It's worth the extra fiver, just pay it. I think it tastes like vinegar.

The four pound one does. No, but I've had good wine, it's just not for me. No, I know I'm that person. Good wine doesn't taste like vinegar. I went to Penfield or Penfelder or whatever in Australia, in Adelaide, it's voted the best wine in the world. They brought out this bottle of wine that is a grand and let me have a taste, and I was like,

ah, and the whole of the wait stuff there were looking at me like I'd just chizzed in the face because it was horrible. I think you need to try the jammy red roux before you make any decisions. I'm not doing it on periods either. But I liked it, so I'll drink it. But I'm also a lovely free bar with some cocktails. I'm going to do fucking damage to that bar by the way. And I'm also,

I said, can I order, can I bring my own tequila and she went, yeah, just order it. We put it in the bar. So more than six bottles of my favorite tequila, which one? A Toronto Blanco that will be on the bar too. So it's going to be a real lark. I'm going to be, I'm going to be chin and bevy for three days straight. Yeah. And then drive to Florence. Oh, you've been to Florence before busy. It's like the best place. I was driving through the most beautiful place seven hours ago and I was like, I'm not taking it for granted. Like I was complaining. I was like, I've got to get up at 5am and then drive through Italy. And he went, shut the fuck up. Listen to what you've just said. You privileged cunt. I was like,

okay, you're right. And I thought about that the whole time. I was like, I'm not tired. Shut up. I'm driving through Italy with me future wife. Unbelievable. It's, it doesn't look real. I put a video on yesterday. People thought it was AI. That is my view out the window. It's the most beautiful place. I put a video on yesterday, people thought it was AI. Like, no, no, that is my view of the window. It's the most beautiful place. I'm so excited for you to see it. Here's a tip though. If you are driving through Italy, don't beep at people because some of them turn out to be part of a big family

that run Italy. Oh really? And I know that for a fact. So I went to a wedding probably about six or seven years ago. We drove from Rome to Umbria, which is in the middle. And this car was just like driving right up our ass and they're not even asked. And basically, so we, we beat them and then he came in front and another car came behind from the front. Yeah. Cause it was like, well, you can't do like flashes. I will. I'll be doing all this.

What's that? Carl like puts his indicators on and off and on and off. I wag me real wind stream like a tail. I get excited dog. I'm loving this. No you hate. I'll wag it like a tail. They need full beam for the back. Yes. Don't they? Back beam. We can just go fuck off. So you beep from the front. Go on. Beep from the front. Then a car comes in the front, car comes behind, which in these beautiful old cars, three men jump out and I'm with three girls. Are you driving? I'm not driving, no. Just keep driving. No, one had come in.

Drive on. One had pulled in front of the car to stop us driving. And then they're like, who are you? And we're like, oh, we're just going to a wedding. And they're like, you have to be careful around here. I didn't know Chinese. Who are you? You are bearing a great dissonance on our family. And then I, um, I shit it because they were speaking to me because they wouldn't speak to the women. And they basically just warned us like you do that again. And you're not going to the wedding. Oh wow. It was the groom. Yeah. It was the

groom. Yeah. Why you do that again? You're a night guest. I forgot about this. This is the best wedding I've ever been to. And I was the only single person at this wedding. This is so years, so many years ago and they had a pool and I just got levered, ended up in the pool at night in my, in my suit and everyone else joined in and then there was a girl there who was the bride's cousin who was in a relationship which was being very flirty and then we ended up having it off in the pool. Oh shit I fight? No.

Oh shagging? Yeah. Not f cuffs. And then a mum come down and she's like, as I am a bit in her and she goes, get out of the pool, you've got a fucking boyfriend. So then she goes out, which was annoying. And then the morning after the whole family hated me. I just come down and they're all just like,

it's not me. Yeah, it was their pussy. Did you know? Huh? Did you know? I was in Italy, I couldn't understand it's not me. Yeah, it was her pussy. Did you know? Huh? Did you know? I was in Italy, I couldn't understand what anyone was saying. By the way, if you get in the pool on my wedding, not at the pool party, it's 5,000 euros per person.

Fine. Sorry. It's not fine. So I have to sign a contract that if anyone jumps in the pool like fully clothed or drops a glass in the pool, it's 5,000 euros per person. What about if they get the pool? Why have you told me that?

Cause he'll pay it as well. Jump away as long as you pay it. I won't pay. Well I'm not paying it. I haven't signed anything. You remember it was my friend. No I haven't signed anything. So you can't push in mate.

There's a pool but you can't go in the pool. There's a pool party I want to place. He's also having a pool party in that pool. Yeah. Oh sorry I didn't know it was your 12th birthday as well. So you can't push in mate. There's a pool, but you can't go in the pool. There's a pool party. I want to place. There's also having a pool party in that pool. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I didn't know it was your 12th birthday as well.

We're having turkey dinosaurs and my favorite tequila. The last day is a pool party. Oh, that's sick. Yeah. Just don't go in till then. No, you can't go in until you're dressed to be in the pool now. Otherwise, cause the wedding, that's the next day, whatever they'll have to drain the pool and cost to a lot of cost. Why do they have to drain it? Because you've got things in it that don't want people... Listen I'm just saying

what the woman said don't I don't want to spend five grand. Doesn't make any sense at all. What do you think do you think I'm like at all times carrying loads of ink. Yes. Don't bring the ock of the post. Well, what's going to be in, what could possibly be in the pool that's like- Glass. You're holding a glass, you fall in, smashes the pool, is that- So at the pool party, we're not having berries.

Yes. We're all going to sit in some water for a bit. No, what I'm saying, if you get glass in the pool, that's an instant five grand. So they say if anyone jumps in and- A bow tie. Oh, so it's the glass thing. Yeah. if anyone jumps in and in. A bow tie. Oh, so it's the glass thing. Yeah.

I can jump in and it's fine. No. Why? Just don't, also you're gonna be in a lovely suit. Yeah. Don't jump in. Just don't. Push someone else in.

Nudge him. Who? Dan. That's fine, I'll pay that. And all you see is his little hat on the top of the water. She said, the last year I guy are falling and he like this on the bottom. No move. Very crazy. And she went, it wasn't a groom. He was Italian. Is that real? Yes. He said the groom was like a kid with the bottom of the

pool, but luckily people were dead. No, like he'd fallen in drunk and just gone to the bottom, but people had seen him and dragged him out. Five of a thousand. It's not five grand if we just jump in though, is it? Yes, I've signed the contract. What happens if you slipped in? What do you mean? Like you just like near the bit

and then your foot slips in and then you're in. Yeah, what like, you've got to try and go out. You know what, when we get there we just- Five thousand euros or pounds? Euros. Five thousand euros or pounds? Euros. Five thousand euros for me falling over accidentally. I hope that stands up in court, love.

No court. I've signed the contract. Well, you should have to take it to court. Excuse me, they did the cannonball in the pool. I want to buy cars. They're trying to get fucking more Domeo days out of you mate. Of course they are. That's why they're always doing this. Give me the money. Hang on. I want to see how much it cost of everybody jumping. How many people are coming? It cost me £23,000. It wouldn't. No, it wouldn't actually. It cost me more.

What? You got... It cost me a quarter of a million pounds. Four and a half people coming to the pub. We have built a new hotel on this. Everybody jump in. It's a load of shit. They will not enforce that. I'll have a word with them. Cool, nice one.

But I've signed the contract to say, if anyone jumps in the pool. Not all contracts are enforceable. Is that a lot? Oh, my uncle John fell in the pool. Is that five grand is he? Yeah, here you go. Here's your five grand.

What kind of maggot are you? Any other rules? Findable rules? Don't. Fires and stuff. Don't fires. How much is it for fires? It depends on what you ruin. I suppose. Just be cool. Just be nice. Be lovely. It's a nice place. It's a beautiful place. Let's not start fires and jump in the pool. Why would you eat near the pool? I might watch some tatsuki or something. I made tatsuki last night. Homemade. Nice. We get the pool party. Isn't it just cucumber? Yeah. I bought a cucumber yesterday. Sorry. Where did we have tatsuki recently? Superbowl. No, with the cucumbers. Wow. Oh, no. Dublin. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's really popping off.

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I got here well didn't I? I got here fucking wonderful. Boys, no. We're back. Just cause Dan's not here, stop falling out of each other. We'd never do that. We ate Dan more than each other. 100%.

The way we speak to each other is awful. That's the sign of a really good... It's roast mentality. Yeah. If I walked up to Dan and called him a stupid cunt, he'd go, what the fuck? He'd be like, what? He'd be like, you're right.

But that's because Dan believes deep down, he's probably a bit of a stupid cunt, innit? Whereas I'm like, I'm not a stupid cunt. I'll punch your old family's head in.'s probably a bit of a stupid cunt, isn't it? Whereas I'm like, I'm not a stupid cunt, I'll punch your old family's head in. That's what makes you a stupid cunt. That's why I'd never say it, because he'd punch my whole family's head in. With one punch or would you line up and da da da da da? He'd punch me that hard, they'd all die.

Shit, is that how it works? But he knows that, do you know what I mean? So he knows not to step out of line. Mutual respect. I could imagine you punching. Point proven. I he knows that, you know what I mean? So he knows not to step out of line. Mutual respect. I could imagine you punching. Point proven. I bet you that hurt more than you want to let on. All right, that's the end of that section. We have some correspondence. Question, this is by Ethan. Hi boys, question, if an alien crash

landed in your back garden, ET style, what slash where would be the first thing you'd show them? Me knob. All right, here, baby. Where? Alien lands in the back garden, I go out and he comes out and he's like, so first of all, so this is me question.

Yeah. And you've got to answer this as if you've written it in. Yeah. Okay, so are they humanoid? Are they human life? They're like ET, but hencher. So they're coming down and you're getting hungry. You're like, that's like a delivery,

that little octopus coming down. But he's learned English instantly because he said you say one word, I know no English. Yeah. And all your dialects. Or you can understand him. Do you know what I mean?

So we can understand each other. You and your friend go. ETT. style, but he's hench. E.H. extra hench. Yeah. But he's small. Yeah. He's thin legs. His little pocket. Like Shaqiri. Yeah. Yeah. Like Zayran Shaqiri. A little power cube of an alien. He's a green Shaqiri. A green? A green Zayran Shaqiri. Why green? Isn't that high? Okay, then. Yeah, we're not. It's not why to carry. I don't care if you're getting black, white or purple. I'm not kicking you.

Not in my garden. And purple change. You can't. You've got to go. You've got to go. This name there. And you've got out your knob. That's no, no, no, I'm not getting me.

No, both the people didn't get it. Oh, but if it's a different walk shade of paper, like, obviously, you've got, oh, this name there. And you've got out your knob. That's TikTok. No, no, no, I'm not getting my knob off if it's the purple, jean, and jacquery. Oh, but if it's a different. What shade of purple? Like obviously alien purple, or do I just think jean and jacquery's in the garden choking?

It's gotta be a, it's a, it's gotta be. Put your knob away a minute. Come here, mates, let me do the Heimlich. He's glowing a bit as well. Glowing? Yes, you go all you want. No, he goes, you might think I'm jean and jacquery, but I'm not. And you go. Oh, it's done like a sheet mask. You might think I'm Jen Jekiri, but I'm not Has he got clothes on

Right, I still can't start to make me think it's just Where would you take him? Like, you know, like I think he took ET to the, I've not really seen it. What time is he turning up? Cause if it's like three in the morning, I'm fuming for a start. Yeah. He can stay in the spare room, but yeah. Okay. Well if that happens, then if he wakes up the next morning, what, what do you do with him? Brunch probably. What's a day in the life of you? Come on, mate. Put some of my clothes on. We're going for brunch. Yeah, you need to, you need to dress them. Wouldn't you?

Yeah. What would you dress them up as? I think the question is what, like, What are you proud of? Is it the first, like, what, am I introducing them to human culture? Yeah, like, you know, like, like, Dan might take him to Alton Towers. For three days. And he might.

That's what we do. And he just fuck off. And then he's like, I'm back off to Venus. Thanks. He gets, you know, you'll get a little photo on the Smiler with you and Jared and Shaqiri. He'd slide out the bit. No, he's added to keep him in. Yeah. I'd take him to Sefton Park. I do the trek all the way there. Sefton Park. But then people will be stopping you for pictures going, hey, why are you with the purples and Shaq? I'm asking questions. My job is I've taken Chayous.

What's Chayous? Yeah, Chippy. The big Tesco. Chinese Chippy. Yeah. Yeah. So you take him for a day out. The day of chores.

So I'm not intimidated. No, he's friends. He comes in peace. Yes. And you can throw a punch. So I make him a roast. First thing I do, right, come on. You go and get a shower. I'm going to Tesco or the M&S. You know, I'll treat him.

Yeah, go M&S. I make him a full roasting and then be like, Bosh, this is the best food humans have ever come up with. What can have it? But then you don't want to like, what happens if he like really loves it and he's like, May I stay? Yeah, that's what happens to him with the crash the accident. Yeah. Yeah

It's he didn't pull the cord when body blue was sucking him off. So he's like, may I stay? Maybe i'm roasting it. Yeah, you can stay forever Sure. Yeah, because he has the wall magic and stuff only will he though probably if he's got a spaceship. Yeah. But he had built a spaceship. He's just been sent. You're not telling me Buzz Aldrin knew what to do. No, you'd be like, Oh, the TV license fell out the door and he'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he'll just walk off. He gives you a TV license. I do that anyway. No, no, never. Don't even have an alien pays for it. I bet you can get you a like extra stress real TV. Yeah, we watched this on our own planet. I roast dinner and then the best pint of Guinness

I could think of. I just like want them to just know how good my life is. It'd be horrible if you drink it with two hands. An alien would drink a pint of Guinness with two hands, wouldn't they? Not to Edland Shakeri. Yeah, but that's the, that's the jpe of the film, isn't it? You teach him, hey, you hold it with one,

and it's a montage. And then he teaches you how to sort your TV license out. Ooh. Roast dinner for like brunch. Yeah. Roast dinner, early, early roast dinner, lunchtime, a day on the Guinness and a big bowl. Oh no.

I honestly don't think. He's never going home. No. Just see him in Sefton Park with a cowboy hat on. Isness and a big bowl. I honestly don't think. He's never gone home. To see him in Sefton part of a cowboy hat on. Is that really a dinner? If at the end of that he goes, listen, you know, Jadon Shakira needs to phone home and you need to take him to his own planet.

But you know him. I'd wait till after six so it's cheaper. Yeah, do you go through with that and try and take him home or is that too much hassle? Would you rather just have a little drinking buddy? It'd be good to go to his house. Do you think I'm that low on friends? I'm going to keep an alien hostage. I've got Jack

Finnegan. Yeah, but like I don't know what more do I need? Like in the film to take him home, you've got to like cycle over the moon or something. Again, I've not seen it. What happens if he goes, right, that was a belt or not lad he's already speaking skull. I'll come back to that. I bet he does that well good. He's long previous. He'll be obvious to take me to his planet. Welcome to my gaff, Rygal seven and I'll show you what we do.

Rygal seven. He takes you to alien big ball. No it isn't Rygal from Star Wars. Gonna go back to Rygal seven lad, Eby, and you're like, yeah, go on. And he goes, oh yeah. But when we get there, you've got unlimited happiness, you know, whatever you want, was. Sounds like it's 15 years to get there. Take it to you. Can I watch the match on the plane?

Yeah, yeah. Unlimited happiness. He's like, push. On the, no, during the journey. Yeah, yeah. For the 15 years, watch's the match you can throw your nice Guinnesses or you go this roast dinner. What's the downside here Carl? There's free roast dinners, free Guinness and there's just on the Sky Sports. I love it. That's

his dream. Free roast dinners, loads and loads of Guinnesses. Can I change the commentator from Steve McManaman to a former player of my choice? He just goes, and it's now. Why would I say no to this? Cause you can never see any of us again. Now there's two reasons. If you get there and go fucking jargier. You said there's some limits to happiness. Yep. I don't know if something happens and then it's 50, 30 years in it. What happens? What happens? I don't know. Like you get there and there's just a swing. It's belted with an X there like you're like, you know, fuck off. And then you end up coming home and then you're 63.

I think what you don't want to think up in there. I think Carl wanted to present me with a dilemma and failed miserably. And then tried to make it horrible in the back end by just saying one day you'll be 63. One day you'll be 63. And all you've seen in 30 years is your next girlfriend. I wouldn't leave this planet for no one. There was an happiness with a purple judge talking about course you would. Really? Yeah. You're miserable. I'm not. I'm saying I wouldn't leave. He said he would leave. Yeah. But it feels like you start the energy to go out of the universe. That is exactly who he is. Just get in the shower, put some clothes on, get out of the universe. Can I wear that hat? You can wear that hat. If he crash landed in your garden, would you

take him to the wedding? Yeah, cause you could go make it free. Would he be have a normal meal? I think you'll get an alien's confused with wizards as well. No, but ET's fingers glow. He was magic, wasn't he? Yeah. Well, there's different ones. What about the one that lives in American dad? Does not on him. He just dresses up. Yeah. Oh, he's just a big blob of shit. He can fucking lay in the pool. I want him to do all this gear and be able to like, so things. No, that's not an ET I think Harry next week when you get a question like this come in just tell us the date before so we can all watch ET Just so we know exactly what ET was and could do. Do you know what the best?

Extraterrestrial skill. Oh, no, maybe that was a robot Do you remember Johnny five is alive that was a robot thing it was a robot Johnny five is alive? That was a robot I think. It was a robot. What the fuck is Johnny Five is alive? The film Johnny Five. Some fucking mank wig and shit isn't it? Yeah. Johnny Five. Is that an updated Lancashire bit?

It was a film. Some guys have to get it out of the reports, just on mank telling us. Oh yeah. Oh in Manchester today, shite. Now the TV from where you are, some mank shite. Johnny the number five bus, what was it called? We had Manchester Live, did you know of that channel? And what was on it? Johnny?

Top of starts. Yeah. Men or women? Women. Top of starts, they were no good at it. The winner got a T-shirt at the end. How did you know they weren't good at it? Cause they kept missing.

Surely you're not looking at the darts. I was watching the darts. I'm a big fan of the darts. We had the nearly naked news, which was a woman who was nearly naked. And she'd tell you the news. I get it. Aren't all women nearly naked? No, not all women are nearly naked.

They are compared to people who've got more clothes on. But what men? Do men wear more clothes than women? Is this real? This is fully, Google it. Top of the stars is definitely real. And so was the nearly naked news. What time? I just have to have to go after the gay all yolks. Yeah. Golly hooks. That wasn't real. Um, nearly naked. It was enough. It says Dodgers on the back of your heart as well. Who's in Gollyocks?

Just the usual. Come on, Patrick Shewett. He's in it, yeah. Just anyone you want to be in it, he's in it. Fucking hell. Did you have like local Scam Telly? I don't think they had Telly's in Scam. Welcome to local Scam Telly. be in it, isn't it? Fucking hell. Did you have like local Schemteli? I don't think they had Telis in Schemteli. Welcome to local Schemteli. Today we're on roundabout number four. This is nice, isn't it?

I grew up- Back to the studio. I grew up in a studio. Local, hello, we are local Schemteli. That's why we call it local Schemteli because it's just Schemteli. For this roundabout, back to the studio. I grew up on a VHS a VHS called Hamilton mattress and everyone I've asked

no one's ever seen it. Don't talk about it. What is it? It's a, it's a, do you know who David Thewlis is? Yeah. One of the best actors that's ever existed. So he plays Hamilton mattress from Harry Potter. Who's he in Harry Potter? He's also Frank Gallagher in Shameless. He is a professor. Oh my God. The guy with the chocolate. Lupin. Lupin is Frank Gallagher. No. No, you're thinking, I know you're sorry. I'm thinking of David Threlfall, but David Thulis is a brilliant actor. Is and is Lupin. He plays an aardvark who they're in like this mine in Sheffield and he goes no I want to play the drums so then he leaves. Have you taken care of that?

I've had several strokes today. No there's just locals can't tell you. So he goes so he leaves they go no you stay in the mine we're aardvarks we don't play the drums because no I'm going to leave make it the big time. So he starts walking on the motorway and then there's a billboard that says they're selling a Hamilton mattresses and he goes I'm going to change my name to Hamilton mattress. I'm going to change my name to their mattresses like just starts wrapping the Hamilton soundtrack. That wouldn't be the weirdest thing that you've just said. So he meets a caterpillar who becomes his agent but the caterpillar is a bit dodgy. Caterpillar wants to extort him because he knows

that Hamilton has great drumming skills. And then they go, from what I remember, they go into this like dive bar and it's run by two kids who are like the mob. And they say you can come play in our band if you give us all your money, but you've got to have facial reconstructive surgery to give yourself a beak because you can't have a beak. You can't play in here without a beak. Like that's being beautiful. So they go and get like a chainsaw to buzz off his like a hard valk

nose and give him a beak. But he decides as the chainsaws, they say, no, I want to be an odd book and I'm pretty sure they fight their way out. I've not watched it in a while. Back to the studio. Hey there. Welcome to my favorite sponsor. It's true classic. Whoa, Finn, you're looking dapper, mate. Thank you, mate. I'm wearing a True Classic long sleeve tee. And do you know what? I think it's really a suit in my curves. Genuinely, the True Classic stuff. I wear their t-shirts all the time. It does make

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Sophie McGarney's here! Hey! It's just done the thing where people are quite impressed by our studio. Yeah. We don't get impressed by it anymore. I think we take it for granted and we need to stop doing that. No, I feel like I need to stroke the walls. Are they actual bricks or are they...

Have a little stroke, go on, girl. It is wallpaper. It's called a brick. Paid good money for these walls. Are they actual bricks or are they brickslips? Brickslips. Bricks. One third of a brick.

Brickslips. It's basically wallpaper. You could probably headbutt my way through them though, couldn't I? Give it a go. Well, third of a brick. Bricks, lips. It's basically a wallpaper. What's- You could probably headbutt the way through them though, couldn't I? Give it a go. Well, give it a go. What's bricks, lips?

Bricks, lips. So instead of it being a full brick, it's like you turn a brick into like a tile. So these are actually brick tiles. It's like slabs of- Like turkey teeth for the walls. And they call it lips. That felt loaded, actually.

Right? Right. Right. Right. actually. Right? They take very specialist, er, tilers. Cheap tilers as well. Oh, so cheap. It took us six months between signing the lease for this place and having the slips purchased to get these on the wall. I was going to say you didn't put the slips on yourself though.

I did a few. Did a few slip. Did you? There's a man already done. The ones that you can't see behind the camera. Honours to have you here. Oh, thanks. Going on a tour.

I've been watching your videos for ages, you know. Have you? Genuinely, because you messaged me when the Zoe's place, like the 30 day countdown for all the dying babies happened. What was that? Countdown for the babies. I know, I know it's not happening.

I've all been started the clock. I'm like, hey, I need six million quid. Yeah, I've been watching them since, it's class. Oh, thanks. Well, do you know, the internet's a weird thing. Like I've got a love-hate relationship with social media because I started in, yeah, I started in social and it's great.

It serves a purpose, but you do get to a point where you're just like, fucking hell, the algorithm, you feel like you've got to just pump a video out every day and you haven't like done five reels a day, then you're just irrelevant and dead. And that's just where I feel most points in my life. I just like, when I put standup clips out,

you get 5,000 comments on a video, and 4,999 of them can be, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen. But that one guy was like, oh, fat fucking unfunny boy, guys, back is he? Oh, here he is with a brand new clip. Me on me bare. What? Me on me bare.

I've got... I've put three clips out from my most recent stand-up special and I've got 22, cut, subbed and optimized for every platform ready to go. And I just keep just not putting them out. I need to actually, I'm gonna put one out tomorrow. Do you find that like, cause I do, I put the stand-up clips out

and then I'll do like sketchy stuff. Cause I feel like I've got to do sketchy stuff cause everyone's doing sketchy stuff. And if I plan a video, like I can script a video, write it, it'll maybe take me two days to film something, edit it. And I'm like, that's shit hard. I've got all the special effects on there. It's looking great.

Put it out, it does fuck all. I then pick up my phone. Like I did this the other day. I'd been left watching Fime and Sam, like one of my kids had just walked out the room and I'd probably been sat there for half an hour watching that knobhead Norman Price burned down half of Ponty Panty again.

And I'd like, get an asbo on that kid. By the way, the genuine hatred that all parents have for like the villains in cartoons is so, like they get genuinely invested. Really? Kids are asleep, you're still watching it and it's fucking, next one, next one. So sorry, I promise we'll get back to that.

Like I lived with Paul Smith for a bit when I had a bit of like family trouble. And every day is just the cartoons on his house, like fucking bear in a big blue house, fucking fireman's whatever, you know, the kids are there. And one time I come in and Fireman Sam was just on and Paul Smith was just in the living room watching Fireman Sam.

And I was like, Paul, are you just watching Fireman Sam? He's like, oh, the kids have it on. And I was like, you know what I'm living with yet? And I know that Helen's had the kids away for two days. So he'd got up and just been like, well, I can't miss one of the next week's episodes. I can't make any sense. Yeah, he just had it on.

Who's the bad guy in Fireman's Sam? Norman. He's a cunt. And I will record it. He just makes fires all the time. Yeah. But so my theory is though, right, so there's two gingers in the village.

One is Fireman's Sam and one is Norman Price. It's his kid. Exactly. So Norman's mom is Dillis. She's a single mom and there's never any mention of where Norman's father is. But Sam's always very lenient on the fact that Norman is a power man. He's like, oh, Norman, don't you know that it's like not good to go and set fire to buildings? Is he Welsh? Yeah. Well, I'm so happy that you got that from that really shitty impression.

Thanks so much. I thought Ponty Pandy was in What? Is he Welsh? Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm so happy that you got that from that really shit impression. Thanks so much. I thought Ponty Pandy was in what? Is it real? It's near Watford. Ponty Pandy is a real gaff. Is it real? No, I don't think Ponty Pandy is.

Oh, you've got to get on board. The bullshit's so big. Oh, sorry. Got to sell it. It's a fucking documentary. It's a rexam between Rexam and Flint. How do you not know this? That's what we do here.

We lie to each other and it's your job to know when I'm making a run. It's a rexam between Rexam and Flint. How do you not know this? That's what we do here. We lie to each other and it's your job to know when I'm making a run. We're not going to be the New York and Cole unless you fucking sort your act out. Noted, sorry. Hang on, so I'll buy it again. Why is it real?

Yeah, obviously. It's between Rexam and Flint, isn't it? Pontypandy, yes. And there's just, every week the same dude starts fires. Yeah. He's the Peter Bauer Ponzi Panday. Every week the same dude starts a fire and no one's like blown his kid's head off yet.

How old is he? Well, I don't know, nine. Occasionally he steals, like, because they have now, it's a bit like how Postman Pat, he sacked off just having a van and now he's got a helicopter. He's got a helicopter now, isn't he? Yeah, I know. Postman Pat's got a van and now he's got a helicopter. Do you have a helicopter now? Yeah, and who signed that off?

Postman Pat's got a chopper. He's got a chopper. That's where Norman came from. He's got a massive dick. Big dick energy losing all those parcels. And yeah, so, and now five minutes, I haven't got the same, so occasionally, Norman will go and steal like a speed boat or something,

just go and get himself a speed boat. I'm going to go and get myself a speed boat. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait there a minute. Grand Theft Ponti fan. There's a nine year old stealing speed boats and starting fighters and no one'santed. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait there a minute. Grand Theft Ponty fan. There's a nine-year-old stealing speed boats and starting fights and no one's gone, this kid needs to go.

In our school. I mean, you'd have gotten special lessons and then got to go on quad bike days outside the end of the year. And meet the fireman who comes into school. That's me dad. That's me dad. You know, we stole a speed boat for three hours,

Johnny, it's a quad bike. Yeah. Did you have that at your school? Like the kids who were little cunts, as long as they just didn't burn the school down. They got like, oh, you're going to Disneyland. Rock climbing, abseiling. You got to be computer monitors.

Did you have this as well? You got to will a big telly in. No, didn't do it in mine. So I went to quite a strict girls high. So I went to St. Hilda's, do you know of it? Yeah, I was a St. Hilda's alumni before they let the lads in, which I feel just ruined the bitchiness of it.

That first day, Jesus, when they go, right, the boys are coming in. That would have been like Casa Remor. Just, whoa, here we fucking go. Well, they let them into sixth form. So when I was in sixth form there, we had two lads. One was called Phil and he was our mate. But yeah, exactly.

Just Phil had never had a girlfriend until he went to sixth form. And it was just, yeah, it was like he'd been let into gen pop and we were like, fucking yeah. Oh my God. Was Phil hot? Was Phil hot? Yes. I don't know. I've got to pull my best friend Carl up on his, uh, his adjective. Hot. I was just trying to talk in there. I feel that that is a barbed dig as to maybe how old that I am. No, no. Would you say cool and put a smiley face emoji? It was Phil you fancy man.

Did you cut off with Phil? We'd go to it with Phil, would you? We'd say if it was a girl, we'd say that's heavy. If it was Phil heavy, you wouldn't know what I was talking about. You can't say it was a girl heavy. She went to St. Ilvers. I went to St.... This is not a lady from Cambridge.

All right, fuck off. LAUGHTER She's rough like us. This is not a lady from Cambridge. All right. Fuck off. It was rough, but it was God rough. So that's it was the Church of England one. So, you know, we just, we, we couldn't Catholic us. Yeah. We, the only thing green was the lesbians because we didn't have much other option, but it wasn't, you know, it wasn't, it wasn't that rough. I'm sure. Was there a bit of that? Double lesbian studies? Oh, John, that is gotta be lesbians in a all girls fucking. Well, I went to an old boy's school and no one was rutting. That's a lie. That

is a lie. I did go to an old boy's school. No, it was gay men at your boy's school. We had them statistically. What school did you go to? Cardinal Hennan, Mcmurder High. Seven murders in our year. That's a fact. Playing the hit tonight. Seven murders? Seven murderers in our year group. Are you having a laugh? Convicted. I don't know how many murders came out of St. Hilda's, but there is a story. So like

on my deathbed, like I'll, you know, want to say goodbye to the kids and everything, but you know, when people say like, what's like your last request? So when I say it was me. Well, so I need to know there's something that lives in my mind rent free on a regular basis. So when I was in maybe like year nine or something there was an infamous thing that went down in our school where they've been a funny smell.

Was it the private school teacher? No, okay, cool. Brennan, sorry, you can't stop. You can't help yourself. But there'd been a weird smell in the corridor for a couple of weeks and nobody could work out what this smell was. And then this girl opened her locker and a bag fell out of decomposing piss and shit. So somebody had had maliciously shot in a bag and put it in this girl's locker.

And to this day, nobody knows who shat in the locker in St. Hilda's. And we were all called into assembly. We were all threatened with DNA testing. I mean, it was what 1995 or something. DNA and I don't know how we're gonna get- Pants off, let me swap you for more. If I'm gutted that ever and I just won the FA Cup,

was she a blue? Or maybe, maybe, I don't know. Maybe it was to be this guy, but I think all piss and shit is always decomposing. I don't think piss and shit is ever. Also, can you have a shit without having a piss? What? Can you shit without having a piss? Even if it's in a bag? Yes.

I don't think it's possible. So the piss was accidental, but the poo was... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you're all about it. The poo was intentional, the piss was a mistake. Yeah. And do you know who I think it was? Phil, because he didn't know how to speak to girls.

I thought this would get him. Tell me what you want. Yeah, 14th of February is all lining up very well. I know how to speak to girls. I thought this would get him. Thought what you want. Yeah, 14th of February is all lining up very well. Marking his territory. But anyway, yadda yadda yadda. The point is some of your videos do better than you think they're going to do.

What about that piss and shit one? Oh, I love that one. Two days to make. I need to do the piss and shit one. Yeah. So ones that will go viral are the ones that I've put no effort into whatsoever. I'll just pick up my phone and I'll just say something and that goes viral. And then the ones that have actually planned. So I can't call it. So I've kind of given up a little bit on the internet

and I much prefer doing comedy instead. It is depressing like that. Like as a comic, you don't really wanna care about how your clips are doing and stuff. As long as people are coming to see you and enjoying your stuff, that's all that should really matter. But obviously it's the only way to really measure how well, how good a clip is, is how many views

and likes and shares and all that stuff it gets. But it's never my favorite bit of my standup that gets the biggest views. And my biggest ever viewed TikTok video ever is, you know, sometimes you get a call from a company and they're like, hello, is there, do we have no phone contact for you? And I was in here when he rang me

and I just took him on a ride and was like, like trying to get like deals off of him and stuff. And then told him I'd have to bring him back because I was in the middle of burying a dead body. Well, you're like the AI granny, have you seen that? Yeah. Was it like that? He just kept him on for hours.

Oh, for ages, yeah. Like for ages. And then it was like, I've killed my ex-wife and I'm burying it in the woods. I'm gonna have to give you my new number and call you back. And he was like, I'm better. I've killed me ex-wife and I'm burying it in the woods. I'm gonna have to give you me a new number and call you back. And he was like, okay, so you're telling me numbers now. Like genuinely.

And he was from Liverpool. I'm just really bad at the accent. And that is my biggest ever view. Millions? Like seven mil. Do you know what my biggest one is? And you were there. We went to the NFL together, right?

And we had these amazing seats. I had them had sort them out and you went to the toilet and there was a guy who was on the sidelines. It was getting the inside of his thigh massage, but where we were from, his bum was out and it just looked like his trainer was wanking him off. I filmed that in a day. You filmed it for content, yeah, not for personal. I put it out on Twitter, 45 million views. Wow. Wow. 45 million views. At one point, Tom DeLonge from the band Blink 182 shared it as if it was his own clip.

I was fucking fuming. You should DM him one of your clips from Celebrity Coacheships. He'll do that for you as well. Me and Mr. Not-of-a-yet. And you like that that's one is me and me, mate. In France or something. I don't know. What she's like, that's what is me and me mate, in France or something.

What she's saying, so when people nick in things, so this, this is something that really winds me up. And I get on my social media high horse about this because in real life comedy, if somebody went and they lifted a joke from somebody and they went and they delivered it and they weren't, they didn't say, Oh, Adam said this amazing thing. So I'm a giggle and relayed like that. You'd be absolutely hoppin. When you get to death, it's either way you, saw him giggling and relays like that. You'd be absolutely hopping. It's theft, it's thievery, you'd kill him,

you'd put him in the ground. What really pucks me off is that people now, and this is I think a TikTok thing, because people go, oh, it's a trend, but they'll go onto TikTok and they'll go and see something that's done really well. And then they take it and then they put it on Instagram, they don't credit, they pretend it's theirs.

And then people underneath it are like, oh my God, she's so funny, I don't know how you come up with it. And they're like, thanks, babe. Yeah. So, okay, so you saw as fans of the question I was going so funny. I don't know how you come up with it. And they're like, thanks babe. I'm like. Yeah. So, okay. So you saw as fans of the question I was gonna ask you there.

What I thought you were getting at is when people just will take your video, repost your video and not credit you. Yeah. But, so if they're just taking your idea and copying it, I think that's a form of theft. And you know, it's interesting because when we first started doing like non-podcast content

for our YouTube and for our Patreon, we were always like trying to come up with like an original like format and idea. Like even if we were parodying, like we parody blind dates a few years ago, I'd gone through a breakup and was like, right, we'll do blind dates and we'll get like three like, and then we're like, well, no one's done that before. And then we realized quite quickly, oh, all YouTubers and're like, well, no one's done that before. And then we realized quite quickly, oh, all YouTubers and people like that sort of share those ideas.

It's not like as much of a faux pas in the content creator world to share those sorts of things. So I think when it comes to stand up, there will always be that line of no, your bit is your bit. I think social media is changing that a little bit with social ideas. It's gotta be very frustrating when you're coming up with stuff.

But what I've heard a lot of people complain about, especially standup comics, is people taking their clip and reposting their clip. And with that, I'm like, you would always prefer to be tagged, but I would rather a big page, take it and post it and not tag me, then not post it at all. Because let's say that clip gets 70 million views on, on lab Bible and they haven't tagged yet. It is frustrating, but that is still 70 million people who've seen a

clip of you being, but they don't know who you are. Yeah. But then if they see a poster and have it or whatever, they got, Oh, that's that guy from that clip. Or maybe funny. But they don't know who you are. Yeah, but then if they see a poster or an advert or whatever, they go, oh, that's that guy from that clip. Or most people will jump in and they'll tag you and they'll be like, oh, why didn't you see this? And they'll tag you in it. So like, they do, yeah. People take our podcast clips every week.

There's more podcast clips. That is just more people seeing us. But that's because there's a big sign there as well. And it goes, look at the thing. Totally. Yeah, that's better. But if I superimposed on that and it said the fucking scavator podcast.

That'd be annoying. Yeah, that was good. That's good. That was good, wasn't it? People go, man, they put your clip up. I'm like, oh, they've done our job and we haven't paid them. Oh no.

I mean, I guess it is free advert. Like, yeah. Well, yeah, there's that whole, there's no such thing as bad PR, is there? We've had some of that actually as well. And that was a clip we posted and no one else did and I can't think why. There's more clips that we on the internet that we haven't put up and we've put up. That's mad. There are pages who clip our stuff daily and it's fine. It's doing our job for us.

Unless they make money though. That's the one that gets me though. So all those lab bible ones, if they take it and they don't credit it and they'll run it on like Facebook or something. If it's more than three minutes, they get ad money for it. So they're profiting off you and that's what fucks me off. I've got a bit of a question for you because I know a lot of your content is parent-based. A lot of parent fans, a lot of your standup and your sketch videos are parent-based.

Our regular host, Dan, is not here today. And we've got the brilliant Brennan Reese. I have no kids. No kids, no point to reference on this. our regular host Dan is not here today. And we've got the brilliant Brennan Reese. I have no kids. No kids. Allegedly. Dan is currently doing a three day trip to Alton Towers with his two children.

I'm just wondering what your opinions on that. Eight and three, the ages. Stupid names. Hey! You've stolen that. Eight and three. I think. Oh, How many people has he got supporting on this? Because the three roles are just going to be in CBB's world the whole time. Unless he's taking on Nemesis, which is brave.

Him and his wife. It'll be him and his wife. So actually he's probably going to have a great time because I'm gender stereotyping, but I imagine what's going to happen is he's going to go with the eight year old and all the good stuff and then his wife's going to be stuck on all the shit postman. But can an eight year old get on the oblivion? Yeah. No, I think. Yeah. She's quite tall for an age. Yeah. Eight year old.

She's had a chrome spare. Is she going to be one of the things that people go to look at at Alton Towers? Look Godzilla. As long as they don't ride her. But God no. It's like it is in the film. You've got three children. I'm a song-sitting rider, but God, no. It's like it is in the film. LAUGHTER You've got three children. I do, yeah. Have you done Alton Towers with your kids?

I've done Disney and Universal with the kids, which arguably... The poor man's Alton Towers, as they call them. We can't now take them to Alton Towers, because they'll be like, what's this shit? That's like when you end up going Gulliver's World as a kid and you're like, what is this? Although, although my lad for his last year of primary school, so we'd done Disney in the summer and then when they left, they took them to Gulliver's

and actually quite enjoyed it. And I was just shit myself because they've had that same caterpillar ride on the go since I was in primary. Is that still there? It's still there. Fair try. At one point that's just gonna,

final destination off the track, isn't it? And I was like, this is gonna be the time when it goes and Jack's on like, oh, so yeah, Gulliver's. I will try and find this photograph because I seen it a couple of months ago. And I might have mentioned this on the pod before, but I think I might be able to get you the photographs to slide in, I can't promise it.

When we were kids, we went to Gulliver's World and you know the pie, the chip? The galley, yeah. Yeah, the one that goes like this. So I didn't want to get on it. So my dad stayed off of me. My mom was a bit of a daredevil with rides on alcohol actually.

In that order as well. And she got on it with my little brother. Now my little brother is four years younger than me. I think I was maybe 12, so he's sort of eight. And fast math. And my I was maybe 12, so he's sort of eight and a fast math. I mean, mom was in her forties, so they got on the pirate trip together, but my little brother was always really skinny. He's a little maggot now as well, but like he's put a bit of beef on, but like always really slim as a kid. And he was too slim for the bar. So there's

a photo of it. it's at the top. And he is like below it, holding onto it. I mean, mum's got her arm around her, she's going, no me baby. Yeah. Happy childhood memories. And you can hear the words in the picture. It's a speech bubble.

You know what the scariest ride I've ever been on? Excalibur 2. Is it Excalibur 2? What's Excalibur 2? No. I think ever been on. Excalibur 2. Is Excalibur 2? What's Excalibur 2? No. When I was six, we all went to Disney as like Orlando, because my granddad saw they used all that money so we could go Disney.

And we went on, do you know, it's a small world. Yes, drink the water. So well. Drink the water. Yeah, why? It's on the Simpsons. So we go through it and then it breaks down. So we sit on it for an hour, but he's still doing the

da da da da da da da da da da. So that was a bit boring. And then, cause it's in water, they had to push it backwards but the mechanism of the ride, like powers all the thing. So it goes backwards? So it went backwards and it was like, yeah, bozie zing, boing, boing, boing. I So it went backwards and it was like, yeah, I was just like,

because they're terrifying as well. They're like Chucky dolls. It was fucking terrifying. I got trapped on Nickelodeon land last year. Did you? He just closed the gates. I went on. Is it the avatar last airbender ride? Oh yeah, it's my thought it was the, it was the last ride of the day. And it like, it spins around like last order. Did he flick a light on it off? And like you're sat on it almost like a bike and you're like pinned something comes around the back of you and pins you to this like bike thing. And then it just stopped and they couldn't get us off for about an hour after closing time of...

And then a fellow was like, do you know what? Shift's done. Don't make me mad. Oh and a bird shat on me as well. What a great day out. What a chic girl. You just did shit names. That was the joke. I'm having like the model high ground, which I obviously haven't got. You have taken your babies to Australia though,

which is a bit bigger than Alton Towers, isn't it? Yeah. Famously. Yeah, it was a really- It's close. It is close. Yeah, it was a really fucking stupid idea. No, it was good. Like, so I tagged Australia onto the end of my last tour.

And then I thought, well, do you know what? Like, well, the little one, he was only two, no less than two, he's one and a half. So he didn't have to pay for himself. So I was like, well, I'll take it. Is it free for babies? Yeah, yeah, under two, free. Yeah, we'll do it now.

I might go back next year and I'm going on my own because I'm not that fucking stupid again. Yeah. Can I go with loads of kids? Just like 10 kids and I'm like, yeah, they're all under two. You know what I'm talking about. Why though? You gotta sit on your knee.

So, I mean, depends on how big. You want all of them to sit on your knees. Me, we should go back to Dubai on another couple's holiday and we'll see if we can get away with me being two. So, I mean, it depends on how big, you want all of them to sit on your knee. Me, you should go back to Dubai on another couple's holiday and we'll see if we can get away with me being two. So, have a good night. Just put you in a little bonnet and make you shoot yourself. No, I'll just dress like this. Just put a bonnet on him.

Yeah. He's two. Weird name. Stop stealing my bits. Stop stealing my stolen bits. Hang on. So, you've got three children. Yes. How old are they? Okay, there's three, gang me a second.

One was 12 last week, one is nine and one is two. Okay, so I appreciate there's an age gap and I will explain this. I got drunk. There's two age gaps actually if you think about it. Yeah, there's always an age gap. There's always an age gap. There is always an age gap.

The exact same time. Yeah. Or Irish twins. What's Irish twins? Yeah. When you're born in the same year. So you literally fire a baby out and then you get pregnant again. And so there's less than a year between. And the name comes from the fact that Irish people love to fuck. Yeah. Is it? Yeah. It is. Is it? I think it's a bit of sort of racism towards gypsies.

Right, OK. I think. But in a little Irish goodbye is when one of them don't make it. In a context time kind of way. Why gypsies? I think it's to do with gypsies. I think it is rooted in- I think it's just a promiscuity of Irish families. Irish families are notoriously big, aren't they? Well, yeah, and they're no contraception.

Why are they all gypsies? Why gypsies? I haven't said they're all gypsies. I haven't said that at all. And by the way, just sit down with me. I'm just, I think there is, there is a long held stereotype that gypsies look to pump them out. I think it's more the fact that a lot of Irish are Catholic and they don't do contraception. Might be that. Yeah.

Before you get yourself into a bigger hole, a bigger hole than an Irish vagina, I'm gonna jump in and say that I think it's just the fact that they don't like condoms. Chipsies or condoms, whatever. One or the other. So kids, babies go free, that's wild, mate. Babies go free, so yeah, so we all went to Australia.

It was, do you know, it was fucking awful actually. I'm not gonna lie. Cause he wasn't into screens at this point as well. So I couldn't even just be like, oh, here's poor patrol for 24 hours. He just, he wasn't asked. Is that like a parent term in screens? He wasn't in, into screens. He wasn't in screens.

I just forget that kids like, yeah. Yeah. Just into screens. When I have kids, I'm not gonna do screens with them until they're like 18. Yeah. I'm gonna sell a a tape of fucking projects. Don't watch the street.

What do you mean bullshit? Bullshit. I give you, right. Okay. We'll refer back. We will refer back. I will give you two years. I'm going to give you two years so you can sit on your little moral high ground

and pretend, right? I'm going to give you two years and we're going to check back in and I guarantee your kids would have had a screen. And if this is a wager, I will, I'll happily lose it just for the pain that you're gonna be in for 18 years with no screen time. He'll blow all the tellies up in his house.

He'll win. Just to be right. When I say screens, I'm talking like, like they can watch what I'm watching. They can watch Goodfellas. They can watch Big Mama's House too. That's all he watches. But they're not watching, they're not having a fucking thing here.

Agreed. Like I just don't, like I think honestly parents who let the kids do that, just fucking terrible. On the plane this morning, there was three seats behind us and three seats in the next row. The mum was in the far seat by the window with five kids on her own as well, fair play to her. And they all had screens playing games loud and she put headphones on and ignored them all. I was like, that is horrendous. Five kids?

I was on an Avanti West Coast the other week coming back up from London and there was a woman who got on and she gave her a little ad and I reckon he was maybe three and she gave him the phone. Right. Well, first off, sorry. No, she shouted at him because he was was maybe three and she gave him the phone, right? Well, first off, sorry, no, she shouted at him because he was talking too loudly and she was like, shut up, proper shushed him and I was like, okay.

And then she gave him the phone, cranked the volume up to full blast, gave him YouTube and then she fell asleep and she slept and I was sitting there and I'm like, right, you can't say, you can't say it. Cause like as a mom as well. And I was like, God, I'd get crucified if like, if I tried to parent her.

And I was like, oh my God, but crucified if like, if I tried to parent. And I was like, oh my God, but it was so fucking annoying. So yeah, situations like that. But I will say defender of the people as I assume the only person in the room who has children. Yeah, I know some that we know of. That we know of, yeah. It's a Wednesday afternoon.

Raw man. I will say, don't judge until you've been there. I will say, I don't condone, like I don't let my kids sit there and just mindlessly watch. I don't think this podcast would be as funny if I didn't judge. If you didn't judge, that's true. But I would love, I would love,

I honestly, let's catch up when you've got kids. And we'll- Just give them a bat and ball. Yes, give them a bat. Give them a yo-yo. This is what I'm saying, isn't it dangerous? Because like, it's so addictive, isn't it? addictive in it. Like, isn't it like, like I love playing catch as a kid. I love playing catch with me dad. What are you and Malcolm

in the middle? What can I get? What ball? A basketball, a tennis ball, like a dog. Would you chase it and bring it back? No, he's good throwing me down. And he was always calling you slugger and champ. It was great. We'd do that for hours. He aches you then. He was aiming at your head. But like, I loved that. But like if if I had fucking an iPad, like... Yeah, you can't be throwing that back and forth. Frisbee. Go for it. I love playing cash.

You just play penalties in the back garden. Knock or door run. Yeah? No, I mean... You just knock on his door and he goes, I know it's you. Seanan, I'm a full-hand golfer. Like, Seanan, lad just comes and knocks about the lawn.

No, you've ran off. No, he missed a gun. You've left the tennis ball. I used to play for my granddad's kitchen. The doorway was the goal, I had a little ball and he always indulged me, always played it. No iPads, life was good, baby.

Life was good, life was good. Isn't it like giving a kid crack and then going, don't have crack, have a yogurt. Have a yogurt instead. Have a chocolate ice. Welcome to parenting, yogurt is worse than crack. What do they love? You put him a bloody petty. Take your teeth out faster than crack. I'm gone. So if your kids, What? Yogurt to waste and crap. Yogurt, the amount. For a bit of tooth decay. Oh really? For a bit of tooth decay, yeah, the amount of sugar.

The amount of sugar that you've got. I don't get you. I see there you go, you're opening yourself up to a world of judging it. It's better to have meth and like a Muller corner. They would go to bed faster. Imagine opening your pet lunch. What have you got? I've got some Jaffa cakes.

What have you got? Meth. You're not having a yogurt until you finish cracking. Can't eat any more meth. Stop playing with your meth and eat it. I've been cooking it all day. What do your children have? Pack lunch or hot dinner? Er, hot dinner.

All the hard-hitting questions on the half-a-loin pot. Sorry! You want... I want... Are you editing this week? I want a solid two seconds, either side of that question on his face because he caught himself asking a shit question. I had a lead up, I had a follow up.

You got a follow up, okay. What's the answer? I mean, it's better be a good follow up. Is it packed lunch? They do a hot dinner, because it's only £2.50. Do you want me to go with it? £2.50? Yeah.

It's all right. It's not bad. In a modern day, yeah. When I was at school, my mum was, she was on the dough, because she had a hysterectomy, and she had a permanent nerve damage in her legs. Long story.

That's the full story. And my dad was in and out of work because he couldn't be asked. And so I was on free school dinners and I used to get a little token and that made you feel good and special. Was that £2.60? What was it? How much was that worth? £2.13. £13, yeah. So the government had gone, about £2.13, that'll be enough for a skil- that's how much skildinners should cost. But then if you've got like pizza chips to drink it'd be like £2.90. So you had to top it up every day anyway. And the sauce was 10p. Yeah. I might start eating at school canteens. You're not allowed Brendan. I am. We're not allowed on CBBC anymore, but I'm allowed to school dinners.

The question was, do you give them the full items? Do they get like a fruit winder? Will you not allowed? So you get judged on your lunchbox. You've got to provide healthy choices. You can't be giving kids carrot sticks. Fruit winders are healthy aren't you? You've got to.

Fruit winder. Yeah. So would they get a hot dinner? And I'll be like, oh, what did you have? Well, first off, they can never fucking remember what they've had. I don't know what they do to them in a primary school. It's like, you better not fucking tell on us.

Like the mafia goes down. Never allowed to tell you what happened during the day under pain of death, but they'll get a pudding. So they'll have whatever they have for lunch. And then they'll give them ice cream or cake. Whereas like, if you send your kid in with a KitKat, it's got 90 calories in, just happened to know off the top of my head. You said you get a letter home being like, it's an unhealthy choice. Yeah. Yeah. KitKat. Yeah. So you can actually, you're

not allowed chocolate now and use and every now and again, a little patronizing let all come home as well because you have to give, Oh, so you got to give them a snack. This wasn't the thing. Like when I went to school. So I think I'm older. No, there was took shot when I went to school. No, but you could take your own snacks. So now I have to send my kids in with a snack. They have snack time. So you send them in with a snack. We had break time, but we had hot dogs. Yeah. We saw dogs. Well, we were trying to guess your age before you were. Adam said, take it to the pot. Take it to the pot.

Yeah, because what did you guess? 36. I looked up. What did you say to them? I didn't guess. What was your reaction to his 36? It was no response. No response.

No comments. No comments. 36. You've got three kids and the oldest one is 12. Next week. And I do not have, I'm not Catholic, but yeah. Or a gypsy. Or a gypsy.

You're not a Catholic gypsy, you're not a secret. Take the two. Sixty. Um, play the game. 39. Safe. Played the game well though. But yeah, it did.

That was a nice, that was a little softball there along the ground. Are you older than 39? I am based on that based on that information. All right. I am going to say don't go too much higher though. 40. Yeah. 40. Stop there. Stop there. We'll take 40. 40, yeah. Guys, I haven't finished my guess. 40. 40. 40. We finished, we finished. 40. 40, yeah 40 in May. I didn't take it well.

Why didn't you take it well? Do you know what? I don't know. I'd had a big thing in my head about 40. I wobbled at 30 because of its proximity to 40. So I knew I was just going to have a breakdown at 40. Well, so, and I did. And then the night before I turned 40

and I was having a casual sex with my husband and I cried afterwards, he felt really good about it. I don't think you can have casual sex with your husband, you know? Oh, when you've been married for like 15 years, you can have quite casual and quite quick sex when... The other way it's casual sex is if he goes and stays in a different house after you've gone.

That's you text at three in the morning, you up? Yeah, you next to me. What's casual sex with someone you've known for 15 years? Yeah, it's just what it's just casual, isn't it? You know, you just be like- But you mean the actual act is quite casual, where you're like- It's just like, shall we?

A quickie? Yeah, I haven't done it in a while, probably should, take it off. And then, yeah, that's a bit casual. Just in the break of Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, you go, come on, three minutes. Oh, come on, just quickly. Yeah, but imagine if they're watching through your TV.

Yeah, outside the door, about to win a prize. Yeah, get stressed, but I I cried afterwards because I was like, oh God, this is the last time he's going to have sex with somebody in their 30s. He's like, hopefully. Yeah, hopefully. Risky, isn't it? You get to a certain age.

It's like, oh. Never say never. Never say never. It's all that Mike and I always say. There's no I don't. There's no I don't. There's no I don't. There's no I don't.

There's no I don't. There's no I don't. There's no I don't. There's no I don't. There's no I don't. There's no I don't. There's no I don't. There's no I don't. There's no I don't. There that. I turned 38 last week, but I had such a child's day of a birthday. I like, I think birthdays are meant to be like your dream day. So I went, I went bowling. Wow. Wow. What a dream. Yeah. That's good. I love bowling me. I went, um, for a pizza and then my mom took me to a magic show. Oh, you're like a modern Martin Luther King, aren't you?

Yeah, that's basically what my child would do. Your mum took you to a magic show? Yeah, and it was shite. Where? In Stockport. The guy had learned the tricks and he had no charisma. It was terrible. Where was it?

What was it? You go to like a Darren Brown thing or like? It was kind of like a bit Darren Brown-y but shite. I don't know why my head, it feels like maybe it was like a ping pong show or was it like a special magic show? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or was it like a bit Darren Brownie, but shite. I don't know why my head, it feels like maybe it's like a ping pong show or something. Was it like a special magic show? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or was it like a grown up magic show? It was like, I'm trying to find a ping pong ball out of his arse in stock wars. I had to sit on my hands and pick a card with me teeth. No charisma though. It's my dream. This guy's got no charisma. Was it the three of cocks?

Yes. I love a bit of magic, I'd like that. I had a great birthday this year and I do sort of agree with you, when people like hate their birthday and don't do anything for it, I think that's sad. Cause you only get a fine item onto them.

You're not really doing anything this year cause you get married or whatever. Was that an air quote? We all get married. Not allegedly. The first one is one of these. My birthday in five days and it doesn't feel like it. But we're fine with that.

My hair birthday is the day after mine. So we're just like, our birthday is, we'll do something nice days and it doesn't feel like it. Yeah. But we're fine with that, her birthday is the day after mine. So we're just like, our birthday is, we'll do something nice, but it's on pause this year. We've got big things to do. You should do something every year. Like even Jack, our wonderful photographer, my friend at the back, he hates his birthday

because it's the second of January, which is pound for pound the worst birthday in the calendar. Is it? I think Christmas day is. Yeah, my dad's bombing me. No, because at least people have to sort of be there and they have to. which is pound for pound the worst birthday in the calendar. The second- I think Christmas day is. Christmas day. No, because at least people have to sort of be there and they have to-

They're not there for you though. Yeah, but they can sort of at least protect, like the second of January to get people to go out for it. And he manages it every year. His birthday party grows every year, but we just go for a meal and he does something because you should do something. This year I went to my favorite restaurant, Pocaro,

and then me missus had arranged for all of me mates to be at Pins. I don't think she's got your number. All of us mates. No one was missing. I was invited, I was gigging in Cambridge. Everyone I know and like was there. That's all it matters to me, you know what I mean?

And it was class. And I didn't even feel like I got to speak to everyone but just all me mates being there having a good time. I don't think I spoke to Kyle once or twice. He was just bowling straight. Bowling's fun isn't it? Yeah. I went bowling for my birthday. But I didn't bowl once. So you didn't. You went watching bowling. I played a bit of pool. And then one got on my own. He put his hand on a man's back and then wanked off another one. Does life begin at 40 Sophie? Um no vaginal dryness does though so that's always something.

Does it? I keep worrying about mine. I bought some last year. It is an issue. It is an issue. What is vaginal dryness? I think so. I reckon you could argue. It's pretty rontial.

It's like does what it says on the tin. No, but is it like dry skin on the outside or is it you can't get wet? Oh, not dry skin. It's not dry, I mean- Is it you can't get wet? Is that what it is? What, like an elephant's elbow?

Wow. Can't get wet? Elephant's elbow, like just like a bit hard and flaky. Yeah, just gray. Why are you looking at me? Like I brought it up. She brought some vaginal dryness and I don't know what it is.

Oh, you can't get wet. I'm an interviewer and broadcaster. We are the only male listeners who don't know what vaginal dryness is. I think it what it is. I'm an interviewer and broadcaster. We are all male listeners who don't know what vaginal dryness is. I think it's just equal to erectile dysfunction. They can't get the wet. So there's nothing you can do. Why don't we let the lady speak?

Like, she knows. No vaginal dryness on me, mate. I'll take it after Sam. It's fine, it's fine, I'm just listening to the patriarchy explain what vaginal dryness is. Can you stop talking? We're trying to be supposed to be serious.. Carry on, lads, carry on. We know what it is.

That's fine, Al. Can you pipe down all of my pussies here? Get that, I'll tell you what. Sophie, what is vaginal dryness? What is vaginal dryness? Well, I mean, you do get squirters, apparently, don't you? You do? I guess it's like the, I love that, yes, you do squirters apparently, don't you? It's like, I guess it's like the, I love that the, yes you do.

Yes, there is a particular- It is just piss though. It's just, this is what I said. And I've got a friend who's not that she's, not like she's shown me or she's done it, but she's like, it's not, you can actually like- Smell it, it stinks of piss. It doesn't, it's just some lady comp and I like it.

Have you experienced a true squirt? Yeah. It's like a Super Soaker 500. Do you know the green and yellow one where you had to really? But I just don't know how you get to the point where you know that you can do it or even how you can do it. Well, I don't know if it's a feeling like you're about to piss.

Well, I think then that's just pissing. Thank you. No, it's not just pissing. And I don't mean to sort of mansplain this to you or whatever, but some women can just do it and some women can't. It's like men and keepy ups. And women in the dishes. I'm not a square thing.

I'm joking. Some women can square and some men can get into double figures with keepy ups. God, give some- I've done four keepy ups in my life. That is not a lie. I can't do it. I don't know how you do it.

You should keep the ball up. But I can squirt. See, my fee for the squirt is, is though, like I have a theory that you just have like a set amount of substance and I think all the squirt is just going too hard and just using it all. It's like fossil fuels have just gone too hard. They're just going to use it all.

They're just fracking. Yeah, and then just fracking their way around. Oh no, I think there's some Saudi Arabian women that are always running out no time soon. Can you please explain more for general drynesses? I feel so concerned about it. I just don't want to experience it. I didn't know it was a thing.

Yeah, yeah, it's a real thing. Well, it's just, right, not to bore you all senseless, but it's a whole- We're all leaning in, you're not boring us. You're like, huh? You're all leaning in, tell me more. It is a hormonal response, and I guess it makes sense because you're going to hit a point in your life.

So you perimenopause, God, this is what your listeners want to listen to. Isn't it? Yes. I like the medium. I love a perimenopause. I love a medium on that with garlic bread. Ooh, two sides.

Perimenopause, give me that. Please. It's a hormonal thing. It's a hormonal thing. Yeah. And an under thing. But it's a hormonal thing. So your hormones drop off because you get to a certain age. Like you're not meant to still be firing out babies

in your eighties. Like you're not Ronnie Woods. Like when you get to a certain age. Tell that to Dez O'Connor. Yeah. Is he? Dead O'Connor. Dead O'Connor still.

From the grave, just firing them out. How about a baby at 64? Go and tell Dez O'Connor. And Robert De Niro, he's had one recently, hasn't he? Yes, yes. Will men stay vir they're islands. Still lead in the pencil right until they die and die. Yeah, yeah, so yeah, they've got renewable energy,

not like the fossil fuel that we have. Yeah, greener. Yeah, green, they're green. So your body's going, we don't want no more. Yeah, our bodies are basically telling you a lot to fuck off. So it's like retirement. Yeah, it's retirement, because we're like,

well, what's the point in having sex, because we know we're not going to get a baby out of it because all our eggs are shriveling up and dying away. So it's just a natural hormonal response. And so, yeah, it will eventually happen to everybody. And it just, yeah, it's just like, just a dehydration. Is it a bit like, do you know when you park your car near another car and you go shopping and you come back

and you go, I don't think I'm going to open that door properly and you have to like squeeze you. Is that how sex then becomes? No. No one has ever asked that question. In the history of the world, no one has ever asked that question. Well done on being a new party. The best thing to do is go to lovefunny.com and use a code word and get some lovely lube. This is the thing. If women get dry vaginas, lube can help them. If men get floppy cocks, we have to take medicine. And that is the female privilege no one's talking about.

Oh fuck off. You can get your Viagra next day delivery on Amazon. I mean, it's called Vidigra. It sounds dodgy as fuck. And you don't think you can get lube on Amazon? Yeah, but I mean, it's a short term. You can just take your tablet. All right, let's flip it back then.

So perimenopause, HRT. So HRT, I would say is the equivalent of your Viagra. Women, it is so hard to get HRT. A lot of GPs, they don't understand it. They'll misdiagnose, misinform. Women are going fucking batshit crazy, saying, these are my symptoms, help me. And they're all going, oh, well,

we don't really want to look into women's problems. Seems a bit weird. And then they just don't do anything about it. That's the women doctors. Yeah, exactly. the women doctors. I've got a dry vagina. But men suddenly all your cocks went floppy. Your cocks went floppy and there was like a government Cobra meeting and they went Viagra, Gett Amazon sources and now you're all good. It's because men get shit done. My mom's on the HRT. So she's soaked.

Just have a covered mattress. I said that and I was like, I don't know where I'm going with this. We're like me and my mom's on the HRT. Just sleeping on tarpaulin. Did you know what it was for or did you just like hear HRT and be like I don't need to know about? Now you know that your mum is doing that because she wants to still be able to fuck. Hormone replacement therapy. I just thought for ages because she was just rubbing it on her ankles. Oh shit. Wet feet? Just putting on the chub rub.

It's a dog with fleas. You need to get an HRC for that, love. I just want to clarify that my mum is not a dog with fleas. Dragging her arse on the carpet. Doctor, I keep rubbing it on my ankles. You need an HRC. You need a cone for your neck. Rubbing it on the... What do you mean?

A pussy? No, on a thigh. The drugs? I'm not there yet, just because I'm only 40. But yeah, you rub it on the thighs and it absorbs in faster, apparently. Just put it direct to the source, I think, is the... What? I didn't really know what it was. Stop overdoing that! But hang on a second, can we just backtrack to the fact that you've been in the presence of your

mom while she's been rubbing it onto her thighs? I really hope I'm talking about the right thing. What could it be? If your mom was trying to heal herself off the dog scratching again, your mom is it with a rolled up newspaper? I just thought it was for like like testosterone. I thought she was like getting pinched. Well it is woman testosterone. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah. Otherwise known as oestrogen.

How much can she bench? It's always a men's face. It's one man. You know what I mean? Menopause. Menstruation. Historic. I don't know much about it other than she rubs it on her face.

I don't know much about it other than she rubs it on her face. I don't know much about it other than sheation. His story. His. I don't know much about it other than she rubs it on her thighs and that she's a hypnotist. That's like a way to sum up my mum. No, that's just a way to sum up. That's all she makes sense. Okay. And when I click my fingers, you're going to be soaked to the bone. Is she a hypnotist? Yeah. You think she is anyway? No, she keeps on offering to hypnotize like with some like fussy with food. She keeps on offering to hypnotize me, but I don't want my mom inside yet. Yeah. Well she wants, she's going to hypnotize Finn. He was normally

use a veggie to make him eat me to make him eat meat. What does she do? Like, hang on. I don't know, I've never been in the room for it. She's got a good success rate, apparently. I had hypnotherapy before I started doing standup. Did you? For what? Stage fright. Oh, really?

Cause I knew I wanted to do it, since it was back in like 2019, wanted to do it, but was terrified of doing it. As my husband was like, I don't know why you're doing this to yourself. Like why are you like getting yourself worked up? Just don't do it. And I was like, well, but was terrified of doing it. As my husband was like, I don't know why you're doing this to yourself, like why are you like getting yourself worked up? Just don't do it. And I was like, well, no, I want to, I want to try it. How long had you been creating content before you did this?

So I started doing content in 2017, I guess, and then started trying to get out and doing standup in 2019. And then I got approached by Britain's Got Talent to do stand up. And at this point I'd never done stand up. They were like, come and do it. And I was like, no, cause I'm not fucking stupid.

I'm not going to stand on the telly and do stand up when that's not my thing. But it got me thinking. And they said, well, just come along. And they had a night at the Frog and Bucket in Manchester. And they were like, just come and just do a set and see what you think. And so I was like, well, fuck, I had no intention of going on the show whatsoever, but they were like, oh, it's a warm crowd.

Like it'll just be producers. It's friendly people just coming out for crack. And so I went, it wasn't a warm crowd. It was like a Tuesday night student night in Manchester. And I was like, I had a whole set talking about basically vaginas and babies, cause that was, you know, what I was used to talking to. But actually I went and I loved it,

but I'd had the hypno before I went to go and do that. So what did they do? How did they do it? I mean, it's not really high tech. I did it just on my sofa. We did it over Zoom and whether it worked or whether it didn't, or I guess whether it was just the thing, like psychologically. Even the placebo effect of it. I've had the therapy.

Well, I've had my hypnotherapy. Fucking yeah, let's do it. And I remember standing inside a stage and they called my name and I just had this feeling of calm that came over me. And I almost like a fight or flight. And I was like, well, I can't run away now because they've said my name. And she gave me a coping mechanisms.

So like, cause I'd tried stand up and I'd fucked it up massively. And this was like a couple of months before. And all I had in my head was me fucking it up and forgetting everything. And I was like, I'm just going to happen again. It's going to happen again. So she taught me this coping mechanism where I had to visualize when I had done my head was me fucking it up and forgetting everything. And I was like, it's gonna happen again, it's gonna happen again. So she taught me this coping mechanism

where I had to visualize when I had done a bit of standup and it'd gone really well, visualize that feeling and how good that was. Think of that feeling, close my eyes, then hold in between my thumb and my index finger. Think about that, that calms your breathing, it grounds you. So I stood on the side of the stage,

called my name, had this calming feeling, gave me a thumb and finger, a little squeeze, grounded, off I went and I fucking loved it. And I would have just bounded onto every stage after that. And I actually won, because it was like a round. I won that round and I was like, fucking yeah, this is what I want to do then. Didn't do, obviously didn't go on to do Britain's Got Talent,

but that then kicked me up the ass to then go out and then- No way. Stand up properly. Would you to Britain's Got Talent, but that then kicked me up the arse to then go out and then no way stands up. Would you do Britain's Got Talent now? No, no. They do know what? Right. So they had no intention of doing it. And then they ghosted me. They just like they they were like, yeah, you've won this round. Amazing. The next bit is to like do a self record, send it in. And then after that, it was basically Ant and Dec. So I was like, I still had no intention of doing it. I was like, it push it, come to shove. There's no way I'd have done it. So I was like, I still had no intention of doing it. I was like, push it, come to shove. There's no way I'd have done it. But I was like, well, I'll just, you know,

I'll just see what happens off the bat. So I just did it. And then they ghosted me and I was like, fuck what. And it really, I mean, I know all of that stuff. It's so manufactured. But once you've actually been behind the scenes of it and seen how they recruit and how brutal they are, oh my God, there's absolutely no way in this world.

But they keep coming back to me every year. Going, Sophie, we've seen your stuff. We love you. Do you want to come? I'm like, fuck off. I did it like three, four years ago and you ghosted me. So then, no, God, no. So they came to see my Edinburgh show in 2017.

I think it was well into double figures, like 17 times. It was only 25 shows. And every time they'd come and be like, we're from Britain's Got Talent, the whole team's talking about you, we want you to do Britain's Got Talent. And I just kept going, I don't think it's right for me. But in mind, the show I was doing at the time

was called Unbearable. It was about how much of a cunt I am and the fact that a girl I'd fucked three days later died of a heroin overdose. You got the golden buzzer. So I was like, what have you seen in this show that's making you go prime time ITV family friendly show. And then eventually my agent was in

to watch one of my shows. And they came up afterwards and spoke to him and to me at the same time. And I wasn't used to having an agent. So I was like, well, I don't, I'm not used to letting someone speak for me. And once you've sort of got an agent, I suppose that's what you're supposed to do.

But I just don't really have that in me to be like, yeah, you and support like. Agent, yeah. Especially when I'm there. Like on an email, you can be like, oh, I'll have to hand you off to me agent, whatever. But when someone asks me a question, it's very difficult for me to go.

It's like a coercive relationship. You're like, I'm not allowed to speak. It's happening in me. So they went, we really want you to do it. What could we say to you that would like convince you that it's a good idea if you used to do it? And I said, okay, I won't do a producer audition. Like, cause at the time they were doing like hotel auditions

where you're like a function room and whatever. I was like, I'm not doing one of them. I'll go straight into the live shows you do. And you can only use the footage if I get four yeses. And they went, yeah, we can do that. And my agent at the time, Christian was like, well, we'll speak over email and we'll sort it out. And they left and he went, you're not doing it.

He's like, no matter what they speak over email and we'll sort it out. And they left and he went, you're not doing it. Boots got out. He's like, no matter what they offer you, it's not happening. It's, yeah, and I've heard mixed up. Like I know people who have gone on and done it, but then I've heard people say that they have been treated so badly off the back of it. And they tried to tell me that, you know,

oh, it's different now. You know, we're not into you. The public don't want to see the humiliation. They want to see the success stories. No, they don't. No, exactly. They don't. Nobody watches it for the success story.

So yeah, no, it would be a hard no, but I really hope one day if I ever made it big and I'm sitting on a sofa and Simon Cowell happens to be on the other end of it, I'd just love to be like, I fucked you up. Not in that way. Yeah, yeah. That's the dream.

Imagine letting Amanda Holden tell you anything. She could do anything. What? I wouldn't let her tell me the time. Why? She's Chaglaz Dennis. She's class. Yeah. I'm Chaglaz Dennis. I'm class. And I like you as well. Break time. Let's have a little break. Now it's time for a message from my absolute favourite sponsor, Manscaped, and this is the Beard and Balls Bundle. What's in the bundle, Carl? We've got the Lawn Mower 5.0, wait, Ultra. Well Ultra is the best you can get. It means good.

And what does that one do? It's got skin safe technology, so do you know when you're down there and you're scaping your man bits, you will never snag the bag. There's some competitors in say competitor name here I've used before and I've nearly torn me bollocks off mate. Not with this. It's good. It's the same for the beard hedger to be honest. I use that multiple times a week and I very rarely cut myself on that one. You've got lovely smooth skin. Thank you. And it's all down to the Manscape beard hedger.

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Site-wide. And if you want to work out 20%, work out 10% and double it. That's, yeah, good working. Listen, I love sex. Yeah, who doesn't love sex? And I just, it's just nice to sometimes do something a little different, innit? You know? Yeah.

You know, kissing people on the boobs and on the willies, that's all fun. But what about taking up to the next level with a little bit of like BDSM? A little bit of wristy cuffs? No, it's all family friendly BDSM. Look at that you dirty bitch. You can spice up the blind football, you play down the park as well.

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Hey and be sexy. Sexy best friends. Hey, final section before we get into any correspondence. You're going on tour. I am going on tour really soon. When does it start? 26th of February. When you start? Where's the first one? Carlisle. Old fire station? Yeah.

Oh, what a venue. Yeah. Where'd I start in my one? Yeah. That's where I started my one. It's a good place. For Eskimo triplets. Yeah.

Eskimo triplets? Yeah. Eskimo twins is when? You're thinking of Irish. No. It feels like porn. I don't know what's happening. Eskimo twins is I think when you've both had sex

with the same person. Right, that's not this. Yeah, that's not this. But I'm here for it. No? Who did you fuck to get back in? No, but it was a long trip. Where can people get tickets?

Live nation.co.uk. There's still like about 50% left. I'd say the tour. So yeah, like the first half is yeah, because I'm stretching out. It's a big tour and I'm cutting it in the middle so my kids don't forget who I am. And then I'm going to spend some holidays with them. And then I'm going to go back and do September, October and do the second leg that way.

So I think I've got 50 something dates this time. That's amazing. And you're in Liverpool in October. I am, yeah. Philharmonic, yeah. Class, it's great, really. It is, it's good. I did it last year.

It was super fun. Somebody had a shit on the toilet floor. Nice. How'd you do the show though? It was me, I had the poo. It was like, it was a whole thing. All these women messaging me after this gone. I loved it so much, but I just feel that you need to know that somebody had a shit in the women's toilet right next to the toilet as well. So we're like, I couldn't understand whether they were just really drunk and just missing thought nailed it, got that

in. No one's going to know. And off they went and left it behind or whether it was malicious or whether it was the same girl who did the shit in the locker at my school that had come to see me. Or it was Phil again. Yeah, Phil. Phil and the Phil. He'd come back. Oh, Phil of poo. Sophie, are you related to Paul McCartney? I am. Can we ask?

You can ask. You can. But... This is someone who's related to a celebrity who's sick of being asked about the celebrity. No, but do you know what? So by the way, the person who usually sits here would genuinely kill him. Yeah, he does music, doesn't he? And he's gonna be really upset. Yeah.

So do you know what, I don't mind being asked because like my surname's McCartney and that's my major name. I've chosen to use it. I've got a married name that I have that I could use and I don't use because it's shit by comparison. Let's just be honest with it. Because he's not related to Paul McCartney.

He's not related to Paul McCartney. Has he ever? Yeah, who wants to be called Lennon? Yeah, exactly. Has it ever benefited me in my career? No, generally what I tend to find is when I do interviews, they just divert, want to talk about, and I'm like, I'm not here to talk about this really-

No, I don't want to, I just want to know if it's true. Yes, yeah. Okay. That's cool. Imagine everywhere you went, someone's like, tell us about your granddad. Yeah, do you know what though? I'm happy to talk about it. He's lovely.

He's the nicest. He's the nicest man. And I took him. So he was on, so he's been touring and he was in Manchester. Was it just before? Yeah, Finn was there for both shows. And I took, so I took my lad.

So yeah, he's 12 and he's never been to a concert before. When I was growing up, my first ever concert, they were Paul McCartney concerts. We were always, yeah, we were always taken. He put coaches on wherever he was and we'd normally go down to London and we just not shift the tickets. I had to get the family in the family. So we'd go down and like one of my first early childhood memories is sitting inside a stage at Earls Court sitting on the big speakers and he did live and let die and all the fireworks going off. My economy left

here properly now, but it was like, it was lovely. What a time. But yeah, it's just a nice book and yeah, took Jack to go and see him live. Cause I mean like the greatest respect to him is what like 83, 84. Wow. I don't know when the next one's going to be. But he did a three hour set. He did. He put Ringo out in London. Oh, did he? Yeah. So Ringo was in the crowd and he came on to some songs at the end famous there and nearly died. I really hope it was Thomas the Tank Engine that he came out. Just as an audio book reader.

Just one more thing. Is it true you used to work in PR? There we go. It's all facts. All facts. I mean that's significantly less fun I guess. I mean I had really glamorous clients. I had fish fingers was what I used to do the PR for. So I got into PR.

Is that the name of Phil from your school? Oh Brennan! That is low fruit. Yes it is. I'm calling that. There wasn't a comma there by the way. Beds like fish fingers for your client. Youngs actually they were the, yeah.

I prefer the youngs. Youngs make fish of the day. Is that what is the, It's the, I should have a little fishy on a little dish. Oh yeah. Grimsby that. I have a fear to win them. I want to stop my ex on like a romantic walk in Grimsby. Oh, is that why she's now your ex? It's not possible.

Along the beach. And then we got to like the Young's factory and it fucking reeked. It stinks of fish. I mean, she was kind of used to it, but I was just starting to kind of like gip him. Yeah. Started gipping.

Yeah. I had to go for client meetings down. We were like, oh yeah, a fun day out from London, all the London girls like traipsing out to go to Grimsby to go and sniff the fish. I think we all flunked your boat. I think we all flunked your boat. Yeah, we all flunked your boat, yeah.

I'll judge. So it was a dead rock and roll lifestyle. I decided to jack it in and do comedy instead, yeah. Was that like a big thing? Cause you're the same as me, where we just sort of went into it youngish, where we didn't really have a career beforehand. Was it like a mad thing just to go, I'm bidding that off?

Well, so I had already been PR off. So I had my first child then wanted to go and do PR three days a week. And they were like, no, we can't possibly take you on part-time because you're a woman and it's 2013 and we don't do that yet. So I was like, fine. I quit. And then they took me back as a freelancer. So they took me back to do three days a week and I then charged them more money. So just, yeah, brilliant. And then I had my daughter and then couldn't afford to work because putting two kids in childcare was like to have like a hundred quid a month or something to for somebody else to look after my kids.

So I was like, right, sack it all off. I'm going to be a stay at home mom. And then I got bored with it about a week and then started doing other things. So yeah, I'd kind of, I didn't quit my job, I guess for comedy. I found myself in a situation where I didn't quit my job, I guess, for comedy. I found myself in a situation where I didn't really have anything else to do.

And I thought, well, I've always quite wanted to do this and just got into doing it that way. So I started doing the online stuff first and then went and started doing the live stuff. So I kind of, yeah, I kind of fell into it, but I guess I was a byproduct of being a mom. And I think a lot of people think, you know, you have kids and it's the end and you don't, you know,

you're just trapped and you don't do anything. Whereas I actually say having kids was a brilliant career shift for me because it made me think in a different way. It made me think how I can make money for myself in a different way. So now I do all my stuff completely flexed, like around the kids and they're for school pickups and drop offs apart from today. It's half term, fuck them off.

I was like, see you losers, I'm off off, I'm doing something fun. But yeah, so yeah, that was kind of it for me. That's sick. Yeah. What have you got, honey? We have some advice. Oh, so this is by anonymous. Wag wag lids needs your advice. I'm a 22 year old lad and I've noticed in the past year or so that I've developed deep four headlines and proper self-conscious about them. And I've toyed with the idea of getting Botox to make me feel better. The only problem is my group of lad mates can be ruthless.

And if they get a whiff that I've had Botox done then I'll never live it down. Don't get the smelly one. Yeah, I do. Get the Botox. You're rubbing young fish wings on your head. So I wanted to get Botox on my forehead because I'm a big sweat, I've run out my head.

I don't like getting like swept marks on the, I only sweat here like dead. Bad. It's gotta come out somewhere though. Was that you? Sounds like something I would say somewhere and that worried me like I'm gonna get that sweaty ass. You're going to be square. Maybe that's it. Maybe it's sweat that comes out instead of. Yeah. But I wanted to get that just cause I haven't got bad lines. I've got a couple of like, well, I'm a few years older than you. I've got like one line in my head. I'm I'd be quite happy to get Botox. It's honestly, so I just before I turned 40, I'd never had anything done and I was scared of it. And I went and had it done. I was like, why have I not had this done sooner? It's where did you get it done? Where did

I get it done? Do you want the number? No, no, no. In the FOD. Yeah. FOD. FOD here. And then these bits here. So mine's actually I noticed before mine's just worn off actually. But if I, if I do that, I'd like labia in between my eyebrows. And I thought nobody wants a forehead. Finally, do they? And then I got. I've said to that woman, she doesn't exist. A little bit of tox there. And then I tried I tried a bit here as well, and that's not nice, I don't recommend that. There? Yeah, so you can get, so I don't-

For what? So just to kind of snatch. Oh, I thought you meant, you know, when smokers get corrugated lips. Oh no, you can get it for there, it's brilliant for there. So what's happening now? Girls are getting it because of Stanley cups. Girls are getting smokers' lips from Stanley cups.

What, from too much? Because they use the straws all the time. Yeah, blaming it on the Stanley cups. They're getting smokers' lips lips from Stanley cups. What from too much? Because they use the straws all the time. Yeah. Blaming it on the Stanley cups. They're getting smokers lips because of Stanley cups. I'd get Botox in my knuckles so everyone thought it was harder than I am. So you couldn't feel it? No, so like people would be like,

the size of his hands. I don't think it's a little Botox. It's smooth them out. People are like, he's never done a day punching in his life. He's never punched anyone. The size of his hands, that's soft. Like baby hands.

He would be so intimidating, he never has to throw a punch. He's never done a day's punching in his life. He's never punched anyone. He's never punched anyone. Like baby hands. He would be so intimidating, he never has to throw a punch. Just shows them his lovely hands. Oh God. What would you get done, if you could get anything done? Yeah, just that.

Just that? Just that. Not saying that you need anything else. I am. I'm really surprised. I have a constant voice in my head. Bottle surgery. And I mentioned this on the Stuff Island podcast in Texas.

I have a constant voice in my head whenever I make any decision. So there's a lad we went to school with called Steve Dixon. So you know it's a good story when you always get the first and the last name. Yeah. And sometimes I'll send Carl a jacket I'll be like, Hey, Jack, I can pull this off and he'll reply. What would Dixon say? Like you've ever seen the phrase, what would Jesus do? It's what would see Dixon do here. And if I got Botox, if I, if Steve Dixon found out I am on had got Botox, I would be on the receiving end of some nasty words, some heavy homophobic abuse. Yeah, but you can battery very well. He's not homophobic by the way. He's not homophobic.

He is to his straight friends. Yeah. Is he homophobic? Botox homophobic? He doesn't like bonos. Send them back. Boso-sexuals. Smooth foreheads. So I couldn't get it done. You couldn't get it done. I also, like... I think Steve Dixon's got small dick energy, I think. Is that what I think that is? Send him back! Fuck you, Steve Dixon! Thank you so much, sir.

I find that you don't want... Oh, no. Oh, that exists on the internet forever. I'm so happy you've just done that. I just also, there's an old Bill Bair bit, which is don't fuck with your face. Don't fuck with your face. I'd just be the guy who ends up like the fucking elephant man.

A big punch bag head. I think the thing is like, I won't have, oh, I have had salmon jizz in my face. I was going to say, I haven't had anything else done. Yeah, but that was the PR on it. What a great trick to Grimsby. You've had salmon jizz in my face. I was going to say I haven't had anything else done. Yeah, but that was the PR on it. What a great trick to Grimsby. You've had salmon jizz in your face. What's that?

So this is called polynucleotide treatment. So they extract the DNA from salmon sperm and they inject it and it reproduces your own collagen. Who worked that out? I know somebody spent a lot of time. Who's went up for salmon and thought? Put that in your face. And who went them all off.

Just someone getting a face as they all go to upstream. I had it like amazing, bottle it. I reckon that was someone who was watching Shark Tale and seeing how fit Angelina Jolie's fish was. Oh, with the lips. We need to get the women looking like that. LAUGHTER I get me fog done, I'm a precious.

And do you know what, I always work on the basis if the NHS prescribes it, then it's fine to put in your face because you can people get, you know, my husband's grandma had Botox in her eye cause she needed like it to close over for a few months. So if the NHS prescribe it, then I'm all right with it. So the other stuff that I'm a bit more dubious, I don't think it'd have filler.

There's a couple of other stuff that's going around. I'd never get my love. I'd never get my love. You've seen Zac Efron recently. Girls, please stop getting so mad. Oh no, but he slipped and he fell and he hurt his jaw. No, that's not it. And his jaw is now healed funny in a perfect square.

No, it's straight. He looks like an ashtray. He's fucking awful. It looks like a tinnacolity street. The NHS thing doesn't really stand up to reason. I, when I was a kid, my left eye was a lot droopier than it is now. And I had an operation to take a muscle out my leg

and put in my eyelid. And now when I go to sleep, my left eye stays open. The NHS did that. So you can say, oh, well, if the NHS will put it in your face, it must be a good thing. I'm telling you, getting your thighs in your face, no good for nobody. Simon comes good though. Yeah, Simon come. Can I have this thigh out and put a bit of Simon come in there? As a child, please.

So what's his question? Yes. Are you just getting Botox? Yeah. He's worried about getting Botox, but his mates are going to... as a child, please. So what's his question? Yes, are you just gonna get Botox? He's worried about getting Botox, but his mates are gonna hurt. Don't worry mate. Cause good Botox you don't know. So if he gets good Botox, you don't know you've had it done. You could end up looking like a fucking bellend.

Yeah, you gotta be careful where you get it. Like don't go to like the beauty clinic down the road. Where'd you go? Cause I reckon I'm gonna get it in the next year. Yeah, come on. Yeah. But you look so much younger than you are anyway. Yeah. You don't look. Yeah. Is that line in the head? No, no, don't do that. You're doing it. No, I mean, don't get a change.

You don't get any with men. No, it kind of gets me rugged. Don't like nobody's ever been like a woman. Like you don't get bills. It'd be like, Oh, fucking hell. Look, I love a rugged, but like men, they do that. You, you, you age better. And women actually find lines in men's face. Quite attractive. You live the life. You don't have your slew like a baby. They want to like a fucking cubo.

Why have you seen Patrick Dempsey recently? Who's that? Mcdreamy. Yeah? McDreamy. Yeah. Who? McDreamy. Grey's Anatomy. Come on brother.

I don't know what you're talking about. Come on brother. I prefer McSteamy personally. I can't watch Grey's Anatomy. No, I've never seen it actually. Well, I can give you the synopsis of every single episode. Okay, doctors and people die. Yeah, but so I've got bad hypochondria

and you can't watch it. Well, maybe you can. Every single episode of Grey's Anatomy, feel, it's certainly one in three or two and three of them. A man about my age goes into the hospital with a sore elbow and gets told he's got eyebrow cancer and is dead by the end of it. Unless McDreamy can cut his eyebrow off.

But sometimes he fails to cut the eyebrow off. He doesn't do it properly. It just meant my age going in with minor ailments and getting shot in the head. That's the whole program. That's right, okay, yeah, I might swear. But I went to the doctors because I had a lump. It's all fine.

It was a serious moral of the story. Like if ever you feel a lump somewhere, you shouldn't go and get it checked out. But I'd felt one like quite low down, so it wasn't in my boobs. And I was like, oh God, like I don't know, I don't know what that is. And then I panicked because I am the same.

I put myself into an absolute spiral. And I was like, I'm going to the doctor's, I'm going to the doctor's, because whenever you find something, you should always get the doctor's. And I went and it was my breastbone. When I- You've got an anti-belly button.

And he was just like, and I was like, eh, an inflamed breastbone. He just looked at me anti belly button. He was just like, and I was like, a an inflamed breastbone. He just looked at me as if to say, no, no, it's just your breastbone. I said, thanks so much. But now because of that, I then feel like I can't go back with anything

that I am worried about. Cause I feel like I'm on a list. So then I go to Google, I am on the Munchausen's list. So then I go to Dr. Google and then like, I work myself up or something. And then by the time my husband's come over from work, like I'm dead, I've sorted the funeral plans out.

It just goes from like nothing to a million miles an hour, just so quickly. When I was a kid, we had like a lesson at school about like checking your bollocks for lumps. And I found a lump and I made me dad take me to the doctors and I just found one of me bollocks. I just had an, he said that exceedingly, and this is a quote,

exceedingly large cum pipe. You got a massive cock as well. Exceedingly long cock. Dr. Mr. Kipling, that is an exceedingly big bollock. Oh, you've got a beautiful bellend as well. That's shocking me. It's exceedingly tasty. You might have that down for me, yeah.

Whoa, it's the biggest dick I've ever seen on any man. You're eight years old. George, I'm any man. Your dick is huge. I'm going to prescribe you some big boxes at the mental image though. That's now going to stick with me for the rest of the day. So thank you for that. I was big day. Right. you think his desk is it? LAUGHTER Right, ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of this week's episode. I've got some shows on sale. Adamro.co.uk forward slash shows, doing loads of new material. Called the show Adam Rowan Friends or Adam Rowan Some of Us Mates. And it just means some of me mates doing new stuff,

going all over the place. Newcastle, Glasgow, Edinburgh, Adam's Some in the midlands this week London Dublin Liverpool Manchester there might be some more as well anything to mention the album tour at the minute most of it's done but i'm going i've got Cardiff Brighton Manchester but that's sold out and then Leicester and else. So go there, brendanreese.com. Please go and see Sophie on tour two, starting Carlisle and livenation.co.uk

and also what's your socials? Tired and Tested. Tired and Tested. We have a song to close us out. It is Round Here by R Finn. Finley Kay. Oh, that wasn't shite this one. The India one.

Serika's on it. Serika's on it. My beautiful future wife is singing on it. Can she sing? Yeah. Is there anything she can't do that bitch? Nope, absolutely not. It's at the end of this episode, it's at the end of the audio, it's out on Spotify this

Friday. Yes, and also all 100% of the proceeds, if you do buy it, go to Zoe's place. Every penny. What is this Zoe's place? It's a place where babies go to die. Or live. For a bit. So go and download it.

By the way, I've bought the rights to make inappropriate jokes about it for the rest of my life. It's at the end of the day, go and buy it, please save it, do whatever you want to do with it. Cause you're saving babies and listening to good music. We're not saving babies. We need to be clear about this. When all that's always playing stuff is happening,

people coming up to me in the street going, fucking great what you're doing for Zoe's lad, I hope you save the kids. That's actually not an option. Were you buying them Pearl tables for the bit? I'd say one of the weirdest endings to a podcast. Bye bye. Thanks for having me. I don't know if I can make it on my own.

If you're here with me my friend, then the road does seem so long. I believe that this is how we're meant to be. I don't know if I can make it on my own. If you're here with me my friend, then the road does seem so long. I believe that this is how we're meant to be. I don't know if I can make it on my own. If you're here with me my friend, then the road does seem so long. I believe that this is how we're meant to be.

I don't know if I can make it on my own. If you're here with me my friend, then the road does seem so long. I believe that this is how we're meant to be. I don't know if I can make it on my own. If you're here with me my friend, then the road does seem so long. I believe that this is how we're meant to be. I don't know if I can make it on my own. I don't know if I can make it on my own. I don't know if I can make it on my own. I don't know if I can make it on my own. I don't know if I can make it on my own. And the road does seem so long I believe that this is how it's meant to flow

Though this life goes by so fast You gotta take it slow Give me high and low and all that's in between Oh, it's a wild ride but all these things I've seen I'll remember you forever When years go by you'll all be gray I'll raise a glass to the good old days All these changes and all these faces

Throw a smile and a wave hello To all those lives I'll never know, wrong to you I think you told me something in another life There's a rhythm to this world You just gotta keep in time The past is just a shadow, a flicker on the wall You can try so hard to chase it But you gotta let it fall

through the highs and lows the story's still the same oh it's a while ride like a dream you can't explain I'll remember you forever when years go by, you're old and grey I'll raise a glass to the good old days All these changes and all these faces I'll throw a smile in a way below To all those lives I'll never know around here I'll remember you forever When years go by you are old and grey I'll raise a glass to the good old days All these changes and all these faces I throw, smiling away below To all those lives I'll never know, around here