Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #318 with Jonny Bongo - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: March 3, 2025

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our brand new website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comDan's Anthems: https://www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Liverpool/Content/DANS-ANTHEMS---HAW-Dance-All-Dayer-4pm---10pm/40595747/Comedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's Karaoke Party: https://skiddle.com/e/40472096Listen to Round Here (Taken from the India Special): https://finnlayk.lnk.to/RoundHereAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's new single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Merch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. You know what that bell means, don't you Dan? Start of another brilliant have a word episode. Whoa, yes. And ring a bell if you've got the best Patreon in the UK. Patreon.com slash Have A Word pod.

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That is cheaper than a layer pack. Sign up and join the LID Army. Also, we're on a stand up tour, the Murderers Row stand up tour. There are a few tickets available in the remaining venues. So have a look at have a word pod dot com where you can buy tour merch. Also, if you like extra content on top of your extra content, we give you that. We've got film club Q&A's, all kinds. And me and Harry Robinson, I've got the sickest new podcast on the block, which is you that. We've got film club, Q&A's, all kinds. And me and Harry Robinson have got the sickest new podcast on the block, which is Mad That.

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A lot of people say we don't get on an episode, but as soon as we're doing adverts, we're best friends again. Come here you. Come here. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have Our Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. And here we are.

Carl, beautifully done. It's a fucking call calling it. Answer it on pod. Okay. Hello Speaking Hi, okay Rob, I'm just in the middle of recording I'm gonna give you a call back in about 40 minutes Carl put your knob away! Me knob's out Who's that? That was making me soot. That's your soot, man. He loves to knob out, mate.

Does he know what you do? He does, yeah. That's why I asked. Good job that it was on as loud as it could possibly be, though, because that was an unmissable call. Hey Carl, it's Douchy McSoup face. That's not his name. I might have to take a call today during the pod by the way.

Really? In the process of buying some bricks and mortar, sir. Alright, a lot of people say house, but I like it. Little ring-couple house. I'm a wordsmith, aren't I? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a suitsmith, you're a wordsmith. Yeah, I'm an auditor. Right, but what if you just put it on silent and speak to them 11 minutes after they ring because I want you know

What I'm like with it. I'm impulsive. I that's what some people say about me I want the house and I want it now, right? Yeah, but I want to record a podcast and we are doing it now We do this twice a week. I just the first and only time I buy an house The only time you buy a house. This is the first and only time I'm buying a house. The only time you buy a house. This is it, one and done. I actually think that's possible. That is such a lie.

Why is that a lie? Not a fucking chance. Why? I might buy like a holiday home. So why? Get a caravan. Please get a caravan. No, I'm thinking more like Chantrepe.

Right. Chantrepe. It's Tropez. It's fake time. It's fake time. Adam's hair has been on holiday. Yeah, I think this might be me one and only house. Why is he saying no? Because you want to go bigger. Why?

But it's a nice big house. It's a beautiful house. I genuinely like what you're buying. I genuinely like it. That sounds like a lie. No, the lie would be, yeah, it's nice. It's a cool house, but you're not going to buy it. It's a nice big house.

It's a nice big house. It's a nice big house. It's a nice big house. It's a nice big house. It's a nice big house. It's a beautiful house. I genuinely like what you're buying. I genuinely like it. That sounds like a lie. No, the lie would be, yeah, it's nice. It's a cool house, but you're going to want to go bigger in three to five years. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like death owner. It might not even be bigger. You'll just want something different.

No, I'm not like that. You're a man of change. I still get the same Chinese feel I've always had. I'm a creature of habit really. This is it. Yeah. And now I'm gonna be a creature of habit hat. You're gonna shop there.

You will want a bigger house. No, I don't think I'll need it. It's four bedroom house. I know. Yeah, that's enough. It's only gonna be three bedrooms. Yeah, you're knocking through. Yeah, yeah.

It's gonna be a one bedroom house. He's just gonna have no walls. It's gonna be one room. It's going to be a one bedroom house. He's just going to have no walls. It's going to be one room. It's going to be the biggest studio apartment in Liverpool. Yeah. It's the people who've, you know, they've had it for a while. They've really looked after it and it's a gorgeous home. I'm excited to make it mine. Okay.

Are you in court? You do realize you've made the purchase. Now they're not listening. Like it's sold. Yeah, totally. It's a gorgeous home and I can't wait to make it man. But anyway, my accountant's on me back being like you've got to file your taxes and I'm just like oh so I might have to take this. Fucking accountants and governments. What are they like? You haven't filed January's taxes yet? No. Well here's the thing, if you delay your taxes from January to July, it's only 120

quid and that is the biggest bargain in the world. 120 quid in January to not deal with it till July. Take my money, say, but mortgage companies won't give you the mortgage if you're not up to date with it. Yeah. Cause you're trying to get a mortgage off 2018 sort of accounts. Have you done the year before? I'm only behind by like three weeks on me taxes, which is a fucking record for me by the way. Pretty good. Yeah.

So what's the call about? What I mean is- My accountant's gonna be like, oh, what's this? Was this a Wax purchase? And I'm gonna be like, yeah, just write it down, girl. It's an airco today.

That's really holding up the house purchase, is it? I need to just get it filed so she's going to, like I've sent it, no, well I'm, I need to send her me. Air me it's gone back. Like I send her all my stuff and then she comes through and goes, was this definitely a wear purchase? Like, was this not like, can I put this one through? Should I not put this one through?

There's a Tesco here on Smithdown Road and I'm like, oh well. Did you buy a Tesco? No. No, she's just telling them where the local Tescos are for the most. No, I mean, so she just does it for me, and she's good at her job, but she'll have some questions, I'd imagine.

So it might go. And also, my mortgage advisor, look, this is a busy time in my life. I've been there, it was me, and you was all shouted, and do you know what? Go for it. If you don't answer the phone, I'll smile long. To do what?

To be like, yeah, I did go to a Tesco. Yeah, I got a meal deal. Yeah, that was a works thing. Yeah, see you later. What was your suits thing about? What, where are you at with that? He's getting married, isn't he? Yeah, I know, but I mean, but what are they,

what are they ringing to say? Like you've picked a suit. What is he saying? No, it's like called earlier because he needs to go and do the final fit. And he's just obviously seen my number and called back. Right, okay. There wasn't a plan called. So you've picked a suit. What is he saying? I called earlier because he needs to go and do the final fit and he's just obviously seen me number and called back. Right. Okay. There wasn't a plan. So you've done a fit, but then there's a final fit. Yeah. Cause I went in and there was a little issue on my collar and I was like, I want that. He's like, yeah, no, no drama. I know. I'm sorry. He's trying

to find out how much of, how much of a pair of car pants he wants, how tight he wants it around the crack. They're always tight. Oh, these are not. Well, they're always arse pants. Yeah, because you've got an absolute big arse. But he said, I've got a big seat. That's just a nice, that's a tailor way of saying bundler, isn't it? He's just got a big seat. It's my arse, isn't it, Robert? You went, yeah, it's your arse, yeah. But last fitting, he's going to book it in, take the boys to get their tuxes and then yeah, it's marriage time. Right. You need to get what you're wearing as well. Obviously. Yeah. Yeah. What's the protocol on wearing suits multiple times in the space of a month? Absolutely fine. Okay. Cool. So you're

wearing it to wills and your brothers. No, my brothers is a separate one. I've got to get a special suit. I don't know. Are you a groomsman? I'm the best man of my brothers. You would have to get a special suit. Yeah. I've got to get mates? No. It's just me and him on the stag. We're just going Skaegness. Is that real? Yeah. That's not your brother's stag do is you and him in Skaegness. Is it in Skaegness? Yeah. It better be called Skaegness or Sagnus even. Hang on, watch me in. Do you do heroin? Yeah. Is this real? It's the day after man, he's flying home early from my wedding to go to it. To go to Skagnes with his brother and you haven't questioned this.

I can't stop him, can I? No, I'm not saying stop him, I'm saying maybe bring it up on the comedy podcast. We do, because it's hilarious. What are you talking about? Well, you're very close, aren't you? Yeah. Is your mum dropping you off? No, she doesn't drive.

Oh, well, she'll be like, she'll go to the train station, like we're evacuees and wave us off. But she's not coming with us. It's Easter Sunday, isn't it? So we've got, you know. What are you going to do in Skegness? Just go the arcades. Just get drunk, go the arcades. You live in Rhyl? Yeah, but the arcades are better in Skegness.

Ah. It's like an East Coast, West Coast thing. Yeah. He knows where the best arcades are. Yeah. Yeah. Hello, motherfucking hell, don't shout at me. Yeah.

I like you, brother. Met him a few times, good lad. This is the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. It is, isn't it? Yeah. It is. It's almost like it's not what's happening. You'll love what we do.

I think it's actually quite telling that that was believable. Yeah. Well, no, the actual plan is fun. We've rented a whole pub. There's three of them going to stick. We've rented a whole pub and there's 12 of you as well. There's going to be some japs there isn't there? Mm-hmm. Got our own pub. That does sound class. That sounds good something we're doing. That sounds fine. Is there other

people there? Yeah, yeah, there's 12 of us. No, I mean, like, is there gonna be like, no, there's no punters. They're getting tickets. So like no women or none on a stag do. No, but I mean, like strippers. Well, I'm in charge of the stag do and so far I've not planned it. So if I'm up for suggestions, is that what we go? Is this strip? Where is it happening? It's a fucking stag. Lincoln, Lincoln, Google, Lincoln, Lincoln, stripper. I feel like that's not the 18, no Lincoln stripers from bring us in from London. Lincoln strippers. Oh yeah, definitely. Pay the fare. Pay the train fare.

There is strippers in Lincoln. I can the UK. That is a bunch of unambitious women, that, isn't it? What? The Lincoln strippers. They sound agricultural. Yeah. No, we don't want a strip club.

We want like hideable strippers. Yeah, this is it. For your stag night or hen party. Go on then. Click on it. We'll pick one. We're picking one. Do they have like, you can pick, like, oh, I'll have Jean. Go back. click on it. We'll pick one. We're picking one. They have like you

can pick like, Oh, I'll have gene. Go back. Rolly polly. They've got chunky hunky butlers. That is what he was after. Or we could do life drawing. I don't know. Yeah. I've not I've never been on a stag do to plan one. I like tits. I don't I don't speak to my brother particularly about whether he likes tits. Well I'm guessing so. He's getting married to a woman. Tits and life drawing. This is to link him in. You've never been on a stag do? No. He's only young. Yeah.

He's only just really starting for those now. Yeah. Really? People get money. When did it start? When did it start? It was definitely fucking... The 20s. You're my second wind, you lot.

Everyone was in Trilby's. Difficult to do a stag do because of, you know, it was post war. Prohibition. So you've not even planned the stag do and it's in. Well, I know we've got a pub for two days where it's not really my thing, but they get to pick the kegs and stuff and there's there's pool and darts. I don't know. I've not really. And if you ever get bored, you can go out into the bright lights of Lincoln City Center. Yeah, I don't even think it's in the city center. I think it's some remote village. Oh,

excellent. Where do you stay? In the pub. There's like, there's like, so you're in rural Lincolnshire. Yeah. Right. He bought that bit and then he was like over to you and I've gone. I feel like back to you. No, it's I've got a plan out of my I'm going to get in touch with one of his mates. What are you going to do? I don't know. There's nothing around that

area. That's why I need to get in touch with one. So he wants you to organize what you're going to do when you're there. Yeah. Oh, this is going to be fun. Pass the parcel. Is that what they do on Starks? Yeah. It's a big one.

But what's in the prize? Heroin. Heroin's in the prize. It's a parcel of drugs. Scagness all over again. OK. A little bit of weed every time you... Is your brother a drugsman?

He used to be. He's not anymore. Cops, close your ears. No, he's not anymore. He used to be. What did he used to do? Bit of everything in his youth. There you go. Gave him some kettle or something. When he was 11. He didn't do kettle. There you go. First time's not anymore. He used to be. What did he used to do? Bit of everything in his youth. There you go, gave him some kettle or something.

When he was 11. He didn't do ket. There you go, first time's a charm. Is it one of them like last night as a free man, like he can shag everyone, or is it one of them like, oh, I'm a charm? No, they've been together like 15 years or something. That's okay.

Is that what, is it you've just prearranged it? Well, that's what it is. Listen, what type of stag am I having here, love? You know, when you go to Lincolnshire, you're obviously drowning in agricultural pussy. So have I got options? Yeah, don't worry about it. What goes on in Lincolnshire stays in Lincolnshire famously.

Good luck with that. Thank you. Yeah, it'll be on my mind at your wedding. Good. Sounds pretty shit, you know? Well, I've not planned it yet. It might be the best stag do ever It won't be because it's in Lincolnshire in a pub go-kart. Oh

Gigs, it's a please. Love it. Sorry me. It's the Lincolnshire accent It's who you're with isn't it you'd have a good time if you've got to pick this a start in 11 and you had a Boozer to yourself. I think you'd have a great time if you've got to pick a starting 11 and you had a boozer to yourself I think you'd have a great time. I mean yeah I just think a stag is meant to be out in the wild it's men in the wild they're in the fucking countryside yeah but they should be amongst other people being dicks. That's what I'm saying there's no one there.

Is that what we're doing for yours are we just going amongst other people and being dicks. Well we're going abroad for cars aren't we but we also can't do anything in this country can we? You know what I've changed my mind and I don't, I'm gonna do the abroad one, but I wanna do a Matthew Street Be Horrible and just. Yeah, yeah. How many weddings have you had?

You can fall in. When you're having three weddings, you might as well have four stag dos. No, we're doing two. We're doing one abroad. And we're doing one day. What you've been after for ages, actually. The alternative pub crawl.

Yeah. Yes. All the time we get to drink, someone volleys me in the arse. You're gonna love the blob shop by the way. I'm just not wearing t-shirts. I wanna wear my own clothes. Is that all right?

What do you mean? No, no, no. We're doing a proper, gimpy, shite one. In Liverpool as well. You'd look great as Wonder Woman. With your seat. No, look at him, he's got clogs on his. What size are you in skates by the way?

I'm off to a midge, the same as nine. The same as nine. Nine, UK nine. Okay. You're getting skates, not rollerblades, like skates, like the two by twos. Yeah. Yeah, you're getting them. Skate's harder than rollerblades.

Famously, we've done it. All right. Not fun. No, you can't turn. Well, I mean in Amsterdam, for Amsterdam too, I struggled to stand up. But yeah I'll do a wool one. Just a day. St. Helens. Yeah.

I contacted a surgeon last night. Is he coming? Adam's transitioning. Transitioning? I mean the glasses were a clue but... Why is it a big deal when I'm transitioning. I mean, the glasses were a clue, but. Why is it a big deal when I'm wearing glasses? I didn't say anything, I like them.

He called me Professor Rowey, he wears glasses every week, no one's like, oh, Gimpy Dan. But you turn up with a fork, yes you do. It's five years. Yeah, but that's because of your personality, not because of your attire. I think it's both.

You turned up in a red cardigan. I have, yeah. And your university, you, come on. Tall fashion, then. cardigan and you're university... It's all fashion then. It looks like you're on the university staff and you're trying to fuck a fresher. No, it doesn't. It looks like I read. It looks like you're trying to get...

You don't though. I don't, well, read. I don't want to read, I want people to think I do. But then when they ask you what you read, you don't. I mean, cream jeans on. Me derbies. Right, yeah. You look like a university lecturer.

No, I don't. You do! No, I don't, I look like a put together young man. Anyway, you look good. Thank you. What's the surgeon for in this situation? Well, I didn't bring up all this stuff he did. Oh, right, yeah. You know what I mean?

The surgeon's for me shoulder, it's time. Because I've had a combined total of four and a half hours sleeping the last two nights. Right. The fact that I'm here. You look good for it. Yeah. I've been doing my skincare.

For all the hours that you're not sleeping? Yeah. Make it up. That's why he's not sleeping, he's just doing... I'm too moisturised. Get back in bed. I can't, I'm too slippy. Right, OK, so it's time because... I'm in pretty unbearable chronic pain at the moment. You look all right, for too fair.

I'm putting up with it. And also I can't have painkillers because it's chronic. Like, it's every single moment of everyillers because it's chronic. Like it's every single moment of every single day and it's worse at night. So if I was on painkillers I'd have to be constantly on them and you can get addicted to codeine and shit. So I'm just having to put up with it, but it's fucking bad and it's radiating from the middle of my shoulder blade into the fucking back of my head. So your shoulders are raw, getting involved?

Yeah. Right. And what's the procedure? Well, the NHS said it. Bionic arm. A few years ago, like I was with the NHS with it and I was like, they were like, oh, we can book a surgery.

But you've got to, they told me it would be 12 weeks that I wouldn't be able to work after the surgery. That's if you're a tennis player though, isn't it? You don't want to do the podcast that you can just. Well, this is what I said to them. I was like, look, I went, I'm actually, I'm a comedian and I host a podcast. I was like, surely I'll be able to work.

They were like, for everybody we advise, you will not be able to work for 12 weeks. And I was like, can't fucking say. No, it's probably because you're just gonna be in really bad pain. Yeah, but you're in chronic pain now, isn't it? It's not like you're just gonna be in a sling. Like you'd probably be like, why this hurts still.

So I just don't believe that anymore. I don't believe it's gonna be 12 weeks off. Six, like max. So no, I don't think I'll need any time off apart from the day of the surgery. The morning surgery back into work that night. No, but genuinely, like I think it'll be like- You should have been a footballer.

It's a crucial ligament. I'll be playing the next fucking game. Don't worry about it. But I think it will be a maximum of a couple of days and then I'll be back gigging. My mum had that surgery. So I'll ask it how long she was. But also she's probably fucking wants to cry it in a bit. Doesn't she? For all the sympathy. She didn't do one podcast when she was recovering from that surgery.

So yeah, the NHS, I spoke to them the other day and they said it would, I'd be on a 18 month to three year waiting list for the surgery. That's surgery. So I've spoken to a spy Liverpool, which you go private. It's like 1200 quid, which is a lot of money, especially when you buy in a fucking house, the only house you live in. And off of your health. No, but it is worth it. Yeah. So, uh, yeah, rotator cuff surgery. I'll be able to do fucking jazz hands and everything again soon. Are you going to be more cautious after you got a new, like, are we able to do like arm wrestling specials now? Is that all back on the card? I don't know. To be honest, I've got to go for the consultation. All I know is I need surgery. I don't know what they're

doing. I don't know what's wrong with my shoulder. I don't know what they fix. I don't know what gets better. I just know it's, I need it. Can you not do jazz hands? No. No, he can't. No, he can't. That's so sad. The timid jazz hands. Jazz scares me so. Like a T-Rex with Parkinson's. Oh no, we got it.

Yeah. Yeah, it's a... Huh? It's gonna be a little like, put a Kip one as well. Yeah, he's not having shoulder surgery, awake. Go on, Lads and we'll watch what you're doing. No, I think it'll be a local anesthetic though, I don't think it'll be general.

Whoa. No. Sleepy times for me. Really? Oh, if they're going in. But I'm worried about not waking up me. Well, isn't that? That's the idea. One in a thousand people don't wake up

from general anesthesia. But I'm 44, every time I go to sleep, is that risk? Just make sure you go in the day after someone didn't wake up. Play the maths. Right. Let me know when there am as well. I'm not like constantly scared of it because it doesn't really affect me that much. Do you know what I mean? Jesus. Like I think I would get in my own head a little bit about it, yeah? Like if I was having it. I was at the dentist once and when I was back and I had a bit of bad fear and they were putting me under to do work.

And I then got scared of getting pulled under and I fought against it. So I'm gonna go count down from 20. I was like, no. And I was just like, stay awake. It's not the numbers that do it, you know? I'm not counting, keep giving me drugs. If I don't start counting down, you can't fucking get me. No, I didn't relax you know. I'm not counting. Keep giving me drugs. If I don't start

counting down, you can't fucking get me. No, I didn't relax into it. I actively fought against it and they were like, right. You got to minus 412. No, it's like, you're gonna go to some kind of fugue state. So then they had to give me like a reversal for the anesthetic. What's fugue state? Like I was probably going to go to some like fucking weird like. Yeah, doesn't it get you high if you fight like a sleeping pill? You absolutely. My mum used to fight sleeping pills and stay up to watch big brother and then she went mental. Yeah. There you go. My mum wasn't to watch big brother though, just didn't want to go to sleep. It was awful. No, I can't.

It's got me. I can't miss Craig. I don't know why she said Jothi. I can't miss her. That's how she loved Craig by the way. My mum wants to fuck Craig. She also wants to fuck my year five teacher, Mr Arnold. How did you know that? She told me. How old are you? When you were in year five or later down the line. So rough parents even in that. She didn't say I want to fuck Mr Arnold, but she was like quite fancy at Mr Arnold and hearing me that I broke up. So I was like, Hey mom, if there's grass on the mats, oh my, do some.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. She fancied them. Did he know? Did he know? Did she? There was chemistry there. Yeah. He was doing maths wasn't he?

No, he was my teacher teacher. Year five. Oh, yeah, of course. But he came to one of my gigs a couple of years ago and I went, you know, my mom wants doing that 20. No, he was me teacher teacher year five year seven year course. Um, but he came to one of me gigs couple of years ago and I went, you know, my mom wants to fuck you. And he was like, yeah, from the stage. What afterwards? Nice. Yeah. And for a little Boona for a beer with your old teacher. I think so. Might be making it up though. I don't think I've ever met him again. That shoulder's really affecting me. I have dreams I think are real sometimes, like further down. I remember I told him

where I killed someone and I thought I killed someone. Not mad? No, I'm fully convinced that you caught him would kill someone. I don't think I could, but I had a dream once where I killed someone. You know you could. And then like a year later I was like, hang on, did I kill someone? Genuinely. Has it just slipped my mind? Yeah, I was like, I haven't killed someone. You know you could. And then like a year later I was like hang on did I kill someone? Genuinely. Has it just slipped my mind? Yeah I was like I haven't killed anyone. Have you? I haven't I promise. Adam's absolutely convinced that you could murder so many people. I'm dead squeamish. Well that's the reason not to isn't

it? I would love to go on a killing spree, but I just can't do blood. Who do you think would be the best teacher from our school to go for a boonawid now? If you could go back and pick one, who's the best pint? The best pint? Brown? I went for a pint with Mr Brown. Could you give everyone else in the world some indication as to why and who they are? Science teacher, dead cool. On the last day of term don't you come in with whatever like toys or own clothes he would bring playstations and Xbox's in and put tellies around his room and you could go around playing different games in a

science class. That is pretty. And at the end of sixth form he took me Josh Ryan and at the Bulldog for a few beers. Yeah. Oh he's the one that took you across the road. Yeah. They're just like the one that took you across the road. Yeah. That just like, when you look back, he like I was just one of them ones who did make kids. Most of them did. He still, he was just like sound.

And a good teacher as well. I think he probably did. He's a lot of kids. He just had no, he just wasn't asked if you were going to be a dick. Like he wouldn't like, Oh, he wouldn't shout at you? Yeah. If you had been a bell and they'd go,

Dan, go for a walk. Come back whenever you're ready. And that puts it on you. And he's like, come back whenever you're ready. It made you had been a better and he'd go down, go for a walk. Come back on the road. He puts it on you. He's like, come back on the road. You feel worse. You'd be like, oh yeah. Rather than getting shot, it'd be like, stop being a no. Yeah. There was some teachers where it was really good sport winding them up, wasn't it? And then other teachers where there's the respect there. Why? What? What killer kid or something? Why? I wouldn't have fought with him. No, you're getting confabulated. He punched the kid. Didn't he? No, he grabbed bed. Oh, and he choked him out or something. Wow, I wouldn't have fucked with him. No, you're getting confabulated. He punched the kid, didn't he? No, he grabbed Beddow and he choked him out or something.

Which led to him leaving the field. The elder mate up by his throat against there. And he was the fun one to wind up, was he? Yes. Because that's what you were trying to, that's what you wanted out of the teachers. You wanted to get choked out. Buffalo where this name was.

Because you had just like big hair. He was chemistry Ronnie. He was yeah. But he actively hated kids. He called year seven trainee humans. He'd be like I don't want to talk to any of you, you're not even human yet. And he wasn't joking. There's no way they're getting away with that these days. Oh he got fired for that didn't he?

Is he dead now? So he got put on. Did you kill him? It might be a confabulator. Remember? Oh Mr. Newton. God, Mr. Lee. Is he dead now? So he got put on... Did you kill him? It might be a confabulator memory. Hello, Mr. Newton. Gardener's leave. Hello, you.

I thought he was dead. Dirty said. Got put on Gardener's leave, whatever, came back part-time and then died. That is... What is Gardener's leave? What the fuck are you talking about? What's Gardener's leave? That's just being suspended.

That's where you leave to get to your garden. There's no such thing as gardeners leave. That's in like high end business where they want you to stay out of like another rival company. If you just get suspended from school, you're not on gardeners leave. No, he wasn't like... He got told all he was allowed to do was his gardeners leave. Right, right, right. Because he was sick. do was his god right right right because he was he was he was sick so he couldn't suspend them because clearly he was losing the plot because he was trying to kill kids and then he died. I had an English teacher that made me kiss his ring.

Cautiouser. Like his actual like because I was talking to the back of class and he threatened to send me to like next door where there was a teacher who was like, he got suspended for a bit because he got kidnapped headlock. So he was like a bit. You mean gardeners leave. Yeah. And I was like, honestly, I'll be good. And he was like, you can stay if you kiss my ring. And he had like a, like a big, like a Superbowl ring. And he made me get on the floor and kiss it. On the floor? How old were you? 13, 12. I would rather get expelled. You got on your knees and kissed her? I think I was about to and then he realised that that looks like sexual kind of... It doesn't look like it. It is.

In Asia. You're asking me for a kiss? We also had the year after we didn't have an English teacher. I'll suspend you. Or a kiss. The year after we didn't have an English teacher. Or a kiss? The year after we didn't have an English teacher for half the year because we had a substitute teacher that came in, this like female teacher, but she left because everyone kept calling her Graham because she looked like, did you ever see what the ideal human would look like who would have to survive a car crash? Oh yeah, he looked like Freddie. Yeah, he was called Graham. So maybe, maybe, maybe we all called her Graham. And eventually she left.

But she didn't, she got so upset that she left, but didn't tell anyone that she wasn't coming in. So we used to come in for weeks and not do, there was no teacher in and then eventually people realized. The school didn't know it. Where's Graham? I think someone was meant to be covering her and they didn't turn up so we just had no teacher for ages and then finally some teacher came in to check on us and realised that we

just sat there. So the teachers had to like go back and forth and then we had one teacher that came in for a lesson and then the lesson after ours she had my brother's class and she called my brother or my brother's mate an art hard and then she got sacked on the spot. And then there was no teacher for the rest of the year. And that was like my GCSE year. I prefer a teacher was just straight with you. I respected that more when they just like stop.

If they were just like, there was one of our teachers just like stop being a dick. And you're like, yeah, fair. I respect that more. That's what we're saying Mr. Brown. It wasn't like making a performance. He's like, what are you doing? Yeah.

I'm telling you right now though, if we ever had a period of what, six months where the teacher wasn't showing up, that would have lasted the last girl for the second lesson. Cause the first one we'd have been like, where the fuck's the teacher now? We can just fucking do whatever we want here. The second one, someone with a bra,

a pair of DJ decks, and the people were fucking partying. We'd have been on the field. Mr. Brown would have been in a room. You can't make it sound like the class was just waiting going maybe they'll turn up to them. It kind of was. I was in set one so there was a little group that like read and we just sat there and laughed. So you did work when the teacher wasn't there? No, no, no. We just were quite quiet with it. I don't know. It was, we just waited for someone to kind of turn up.

I think pretty similarly, we had a teacher where we, it was a substitute one in Spanish. She didn't speak very good Spanish. Um, and we like drove her to a breakdown where she threw a chair at a kid. I actually like wrestling through a chair at a kid and then we didn't see her again. No, that's that's when you're an adult and you hear that you're like fucking out of the world. At the time it was great. She threw a Harry Hogan. Was it a table ladders and chairs? I don't understand the whole Col I thought it was Hulk Hogan. Huh? Who? That's a terrible thing.

All right. I think he was being honest. We had the reverse. We had a student throw a chair at a pregnant teacher. Oh, Harry. Harry. Fucking keep it light, mate. That was in-

Jesus Christ, you're all having fun here about driving teachers to rental breakdowns and you bring up a pregnant woman. That was in primary school. That about driving teachers to mental breakdowns and you bring up a pregnant woman. That was in primary school. That was like one of the 10. No bigger than everyone else. He went to school like stranger things. He was, he was like six foot something in primary school. No, he wasn't six foot something in primary school. It would have seemed like it though. You know what I mean? When you're small. To me? Do you remember I was a six foot and this is a primary school. No, I'm six foot. But do you remember when you were a kid how big adults looked?

Yeah. Like if you've got a big fucker. I remember being in year four and looking at a girl in year six thinking, that's a woman that. Yeah. And fucking lit. You know, if I'm a fully a girl in year six, thinking that's a woman. Yeah. Yeah. And fucking. You know, I have a fully grown memory in year seven. They were 16. Yeah.

We had a lad in reception who proposed to a girl in year six. He bought a ring because it's like his family owned like all of the scaffolding businesses in Lancashire. So he was like, yeah. And he bought like a ring and proposed to a girl in year six. He's fucking now him. Yeah. He used to, he used to get Pokemon cards and just give them to me. That's how minty was. He used to have a big sack of them. He's like, I'm done with these now. Scaffolding businesses. I used to get, I used to get his hand me down.

Shiny charters out there, Annie. I'm worried. Dad's got scaffolding me. I used to get his hand me down. Shiny charters out there, Danny. I'm worried. My dad's got a scaffold in me. A new building's fallen down. And you go like Pikachu. Did you do anything for Valentine's Day when you were at school?

Was there like, did you give, did you give, was there no girls in the sixth form? Yeah, but like we didn't know them. Oh, we all, we. Yeah, they were all Gims. All right. We gave Valentine's to the sixth formers. We gave Valentine's out.

In what year? Like year nine. Did it ever work? If I'd have come in to ask you on a day in year nine with a Valentine's card being like, what's this for? Oh, it's just one of the sixth formers. I'd really fancy. I'd be dead.

I'd have been thrown in a canal. It was a show. It was throwing me in it. I'd be dead. I'd have been thrown in a canal. Loads of us made like, like got Valentine's cards and gave them to the six form girls that you, everyone was in love with the six form. Like everyone had their favorite six form girl. That's makes them like reverse pedophiles though. If they like say something, they didn't suck me off. She was like, Oh my God, the first one I've ever got. What year are you? Nine. How old were they like 18? 16 to 18 yeah.

What did they say when you gave them the cards? I remember once I gave the Valentine's card to her boyfriend to give it. That's a move. That's a fucking emasculated move. Can you give a Valentine's card to Rachel? The guy went, yeah. Give that to your beard. And he went, yeah, give her that.

He was the coolest, like coolest lad in 6.1. I mean he's a threat. I had a punch in my head, didn't I? 13, you know. What, 20, year nine? Yeah. She's my bird. Yeah, I would have.

He's got a fucking beard. He would lay down the lawn, haven't you? Now he looks like a gimped to his bed. I guarantee you they're not still together. He's a good guy. You're the one, a real man. You should have punched his head. What was he, 13? Just smacked his fucking head.

Yeah, if we came with Valentine's Day cards, we would. And no. Can you imagine? Our school was so toxic. I mean, I know you know this, but. I mean, I went to a boys school. It wasn't like super progressive, but I don't know why that was a thing.

You know, it wouldn't have ever been, as soon as you got to year 10 or year 11, you wouldn't have done it. It was like an immature sort of thing because they were like unattainable. It's like sending a DM to an OnlyFans go. What would you have done if you'd gone yeah, f***ing heavy that. Where we going then? Be the best. Would you have gone for it with her? What? Like kissing birds in there.

Kissing a six-woman? Yeah like if she went f***ing belting about I've been wanting something from you where are we going there Dan? You drive? I think I'd been under a lot of pressure there at 12, 13 years old. Right, I'll have to think about it. I'm gonna ask me mom if I can go out. Yeah, take it down the scout hut, if you know what I mean. Ass. No, literally the scout.

We had all me Cubs badges. They had a, the student receptionist used to come round and give out Valentine's cards. Like there was a box in reception and you just put like the name and the form and then they'd go around on the day and just give them out. Oh, they did a matchmaker thing. Kind of. It was like you'd just send a Valentine's card to someone and then they'd go and give them out. Did you ever get any? Yeah. A couple off my mom. No, I don't know. I don't know who they're off.

They were always like, question mark. That's what it was. It was the Unabomber. The Secret of Myra. I put my name and my full address. One of the teachers. Fancy for me. Question mark. Well, that's the end of that section.

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Yeah. He's so emotional. India, Amsterdam, Nashville, all the lock-ins. You ever been a contact lens man? Just put that on pause. And you also get first access to tickets because stuff goes on Patreon first and loads of other stuff. What?

Not in the Patreon advert, mate. Well, on contact lenses. No, I don't. I choose to wear glasses. And the... Mad Dat, Film Club, Q&A's, you get the community thing on Patreon, you get to join all the other lids and have a chat. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word part. It is worth it.

It is, there's loads of people who do it so it's definitely worth it. I just don't know how to stop these from getting all fucking What's that? Yeah that That you can't use your cardigan to clean that. Your t-shirt will do it No, not yeah, just go for the bottom. You wouldn't like contact lenses? Why? You wouldn't like contact lenses? No, but they're broke. How necessary are they? Are they for reading or long distance? They're just to make me look handsome. All right, okay. It's working. Cause you look fucking ugly when you take them off. Saturday the 8th of March, I'm doing the Comedians Club Chester. Who's on?

It deserves to be a sellout. Phil Nichol is closing, Lindsay Santoro, Nick Doody and I'm comparing it's going to be a banger. So if you're around Chester, you fancy some circuit comedy? Comedians Club Chester dot com. And also our very own Eshan Akbar is on tour and he's hitting the north in this next phase of his tour, eshanakbar.com. I think Liverpool is like the 6th of March and it absolutely needs to be a busy one. Yeah, I think he's doing hot water. Hot water. We've got a few tickets left in London. We added a second Hackney show to the Mayors Road Tour and there's about 200 tickets left. If you'd like to come to line up his class,

not telling you who it is, just trust me. Newcastle's got about 200 left as well, but that's pretty much nearly sold out. Yeah, that's the biggest one on the tour as well. And I've added loads of shows. I'm running a new hour at the minute and it's all on adamrow.co.uk slash shows. I'm going to live in Manchester, Chester, Lee,

no, not Leeds, I'm not doing Leeds. Eeshan is the 6th of March in Liverpool. Yeah, go and see Adam, go and see Eeshan. And if you can, you want to see Murders Row. It is some of the best live standup you will ever witness. ["Murders Row"] What we doing doing Dan? Having a little dance.

No we're not. Why do you have to talk? It's a fucking jingle. Is that a lonely? What? Adam was a lonely. When has that ever stopped at like, he won't wear the headphones. I'm not going to go, we're doing Have a Words now.

Everyone knows what the jingle is. You acted like no one else could hear the jingle. You two got beef all the time. What's going on here? Honestly, he's dead nice. And then he presses record and he's like, have a words. Amy, boys, have a word with my fiance. We've been together for years and he has this bar of soap that he uses for his sensitive skin. I don't know why I'm being a dick about that because I do have sensitive skin. Orders it online and swears by it. Try to find the make to order. Try to find the make to order some for his birthday. And I've only now just find out that the bar is made from concentrated beef tallow. For context, I'm a vegan and I've been since we met. Now I can't look at him and the idea of him being

covered in cow fat makes me feel sick. Have a word. That's from Amy. No, have a word with you. Shut up. Fucking gimp. He's ruined beef all over himself though, which is weird anyway. It just doesn't matter, does it? First of all, I'm not sure this is soap. I think he just loves beef. I can't be soap, can I? Second of all. Would you be asked about this Finn? I wouldn't use it myself, but I wouldn't be asked if someone I was romantically involved

with used it. Romantically involved? Unless they smell of beef. That's not the particularly, that's not the pheromone I want them to be given that. Some people love beef. Some people think beef's like Indian stones. Holy. Not used to use a fragrance though. Like they think cows are like class don't. Holy. Not usually as a fragrance though. Like they think cows are like class. So like they want to be covered in it. Yeah. Yeah. Would you

be into that? Not necessarily. You'd probably say no. I'd probably say no. Yeah. I mean, what, what are we doing? What, what, what podcast are you sending this into? How did you think that was going to go Amy? Who buying soap for people's birthdays as well? I thought you liked animals, I thought vegans liked animals, you fellas just closer to being a cow. I think soap is a nice sort of third or fourth down the line present if he's got a favourite soap.

My bear got me beef soap for my birthday, I'd be like, what's the matter with you? I got you a lovely bag. It's your beef soap. I don't like it personally. I've had goat's milk soap. I've used that. Apparently that's good for your skin. It's all meant to be good for your skin.

It's soap. Isn't piss good for your skin? I've heard piss is good for your skin. Cum is. What? Cum is good for your skin? I've heard piss is good for your skin. Cum is. What? Cum is good for your skin. Is it? Yeah. I think it's drinking piss that's good for your skin. Yeah. Drinking piss is good for you. Drinking your own piss. Not someone else's. Could be a great stag do this when you start organizing. My brother uses, order cream on his knees. I wonder that's so long. That's milk. Get some of that cow order cream and bread.

I don't think it's made from cow orders. I think it's cream for cow orders, but he uses it on his knees. There's a special cream, a special cream for cow orders. That isn't someone's lives. I think he's seen many specialists or they might have been. To be fair though, when women have kids and they're breastfeeding, the nipples are very sore. That is a cow's not related.

But a cow is constantly like a cow, a dairy cows constantly on the, on the milk in it. Yeah. But a cow can't tell you it's fucking tits or so can it? Yeah. It's these are these knees man. That's two episodes in a row. You know, I'm wild. Also, you said last time your brother's knees came up, that you were like, I don't know if he'll want this on the internet. And now you've done it the next episode as well. Joe Loffres says, have a word. I had a hamster when I was about nine and my sister was 12. I had a hamster ball that we would put him in so he could roam about the gaff free range

without risk of losing him. My sister admitted recently that she rebone at the ball thinking it was empty. But my mom had put my hamster in it while she cleaned his cage. It died not long after. While it is funny, please have a word with my sister for putting my hamster into an early grave PS. She played for Coventry ladies at the time. So it would have been a half decent rebona. Oh, it's me. I'm still a bowler. Is the rebona the one where you put the, you thought around the outside. All right, right. Yeah. So one of the weaker of the kicks, if you can do it well, it's not. Yeah. You catch it. What other kick is is super weaker than a rebona? Bacchial. I think

you've got absolutely welly a bacchial. No like a court rebona's like I don't know what I don't know what the physics is behind it but it is like a bit of a pow. It's a toe poke isn't it? Yeah. If you catch it right it's just a good toe poke. If it's your weak foot that you're trying to play it on you come round you can play it well. Just remember that 50 yard rebounding that I saw. It's because it's a toe poke in it. They're the most powerful kick. I do think if, you know, if there's a hamster ball going round the living room, just always be careful before you rebounding it. There could be a hamster in it. You know what I

mean? It's not. But also the temptation to like like if it falls right, I actually think that's not on here, that. Like if it fell right, it's a man with naturalness. You can't knock it over a bone or something if it falls right. It's not scuttling towards you of its own volition,

you're like, ah, I don't know. If it falls right down. Don't know who's passed it. It's like if you threw a ball. Yeah, you've got to volley it, your brain goes volley. You know like there's a down one from the final. If you throw anything, you could throw ball. Yeah, you've got to volley it. Your brain goes volley. You know like the Zidane one from the final. If you throw anything, you could throw anything. A brick.

Like if it's just at the right angle. Yeah, but you've got to, haven't you? You've got to break your foot. Yes. Volley it. If I drop my phone. I just volley it. Cause it's there.

It's to be volleyed. I don't know why. If you drop it and it's over your head. No, but imagine the hamster at the top of the stairs it's bouncing down. It just catches the last step. Fuck off. Put it down the road.

It's not your fault. It's amazing. I couldn't do it to the actual hamster, but I'd trust the balls to do it's job and protect the hamster, you know. After it's fall. That'd be class if you really connected with it. And you've named the hamster after Steven Gerard.

Gerard. Gerard! It makes me just live through the road. And if you've named the hamster after Stephen Gerrard... Gerrard! Unless you just lived with Robert. He also said the hamster died not too long after, not instantly, so I don't think she killed it. I think the hamster essentially just got the best fucking roller coaster ride of its life. Yeah. You'd make an amazing lawyer. She's just rebone the fucking hamster ball. You're like, there's no proof that she killed it. It could have been about to die of natural clauses. Yeah. It's two weeks later. There's

nothing to do with that. Maybe he's chasing that rush. He's going, I want to be reborn. And it's literally been reborn at the most powerful of all the kids. It's there going, it takes three hours to die. He said a few weeks later than me. Um, just say it died not long after. Yeah. A few weeks. That's three years. Not long. That's not the same day.

That hamster was still fucking bobbing about for a while. I'm telling you, I think that hamster probably just killed itself because it was like life never getting that good again. I got the boner. It's not your sister's fault. I'm going to be the boner. By someone the size of a ball. Yeah.

Yeah. If you knew you survived like a big Zorb. I have been by Rob Thomas. Anonymous lady says wag wag lids have a word with my boyfriend. He has stomach issues most of the time. And when we go out for meals, et cetera, he always goes to the toilet halfway through and sits there having a shit for around 30 minutes. Like surely he can't be pooing that entire time. It means that I'm left sitting there alone at the table looking like I've been stood up. Have a word. I've got some bad news for you girl. I think you're dead annoying and he just needs a

break. Yeah, doesn't like you. I don't know whether girls know this but men use toilet time to just have a break from you. In a restaurant. Sometimes like if she's fucking chatting on, what are you getting? Can I have a bit of yours? Can we get all the stars of Thai once? I'm going for a shite. Yeah, I'm going for a 45 minute shit. I reckon if you, if you time that well as well, if as soon as you've placed the order, you go, right, I'm going for the toilet. By the time you've come back, your food's getting dished up and I do. I abuse my IBS by the way, if my missus is ever like, oh, we've's getting dished up. And it's- I do, I abuse my IBS by the way. If my missus is ever like, oh, we've got to change the bed.

And I'm like, oh, that KFC's hit me. So I've been having that KFC for months. I'm like, just hit me now. Not long after. A second KFC's- Change the bed. Change the bedding. Because he shits all over the bed.

Hang on. How does that threat work? She goes, we need to change the bed. And he's like, oh, my IBS, I might have to shit in it. So don't change it. No, no, he's busy. That's fucking a wild way to go. I go to the toilet. All the bedding. Right, right, right. Right, right, right. There's not a more arduous in life than changing bedding. Correct. I don't mean mom's going around. Oh, that KFC. I was shy. She's on to me like, well, not asked. She can't prove

anything. Can't break up with me unless she can prove it. The worst thing is taking the washing off the machine and hanging it off. I'd rather just burn it off by new clothes. See I think that's worse than the duvet. I know everyone goes, Oh, I'll put in the duvet back into the nightmare. But I've got my techers. I've got, I get the corners. I sort of find the corners. You know what I mean? Hanging up loads of clothes on a clothes horse is so much more of a ball. Like I hate it.

I'd rather buy new clothes. But then if you put it in the tumble dryer, it's fucked. Tumble dry clothes are fucked quick. Yeah, we put the towels in the bed in the tumble dryer because that's fine. I put me undies and my socks in the tumble dryer as well. The socks, it removes the fucking elasticity. You know, I find me socks are falling downloads lately. I think I'm going to put them two and two together and put them to dry it in. I've been tumble drying my socks all my life in the

phone. So I think there's something else in your process going wrong. Someone's been tumble drying them. Yeah, that's what I mean. I saw a, I think it was a, it was, I'll say it was an article. I think it was a tick tock yesterday that was the dry cleaners don't wash your clothes. They do it dry. I didn't know that until yesterday. Talking about, I thought they just knew how to wash your clothes. I called dry cleaning. Yeah. But I thought it was some sort of code of like, I thought they were just like, they followed the instructions to the letter of the law. They're like, right, we're going to read the label. Okay, we'll follow these instructions. So you know, it's different from a laundry where you hand your clothes in. Well, no, I just washing your

clothes. I thought, I thought it was just, they are dry cleanings. Like one of the labels says dry cleaning only. Yeah. Then they've got like a special setting on the washing machine that's like dry cleaning setting. Why wouldn't they make them? I think this will be much more common than you realize because I've never used the dry cleaners. It's like a reverse Hoover in it. It just like shits out steam.

Dry cleaners. What are your suits? I've not had a suit for a few years. You saw the one suit I wore. I've not had a suit for a few years. You saw the one suit I wore, I've not worn that suit. You have Finn the stoner from RIL. What do you do with all your suits that you're always wearing? I always wear the suit. Yeah, dry cleaners, they don't use water. How do they clean it? They clean it dry. It's like a Hoover thing. Yeah. Yeah, but what if it's like a red wine stain? They use the strong, powerful Hoover. Finn, none of us know what

dry cleaning is. We just know it's not wet because it's called dry cleaning. That is true. I think it's just, I think it's just a name. I think it's like a steam. No, cause that'd be wet, wouldn't it? No, but they, you know, move it around so it doesn't get wet. Oh, it turns out he's stupid as well.

We don't know, but we're not. The thing is, I don't know, but I've seen, I've been to a dry cleaners, I've seen through and they're like, it looks like the Hoover in it. No, you've seen them steaming the clothes after they're clean, so there's no creases in them and they give you the back. Genuinely, now I need to know. I've spent my whole life thinking that was dry cleaning.

No, no, no, no. When you take something to the dry cleaners, most dry cleaners as standard will steam your suits at the end of dry cleaning it, so that there's no creases in it and it's ready to be worn. Are they just putting it in the tumble dryer? It's a chemical solvent to clean clothes instead of water. Yes.

And how is it? How are things cleaned? Yeah, I don't understand. It's big dry cleaning. We're not meant to know. It's behind closed doors, innit? You've just reminded me as well in the break. I'm going to dry cleaners to pick up my jacket that I put in there while I work. Will you ask them how do you do this? No. How do you do this? How have you done this?

I gave you it dirty, now it's clean, bloody wild. If your fella is taking 30 minute breaks, it's not really about his breaks, it's about the relationship, isn't it? 30 minutes is too long. I think everyone has a right to be like, where the fuck have you been? Sometimes I do just like, not in a restaurant, but if I'm at home, I do go for the shite.

And sometimes I am sat on the toilet for half an hour because I just get lost on your phone. I'm comfy. Yeah, absolutely. But if you go Wagamama's, I think everyone's got a right to expect you there for more of the date. It's a good excuse to toilet you that because there's no common, like you're not allowed to walk in and see what I'm doing.

Oh, you just want to go away from me. You just want to play. I was fucking pooing. Shut up. All right, do you know what? Next time I'll poo next to you. Right, I'm going to poo again. See you in half an hour. Alistair says, I've got to have a word for you lads. To start, I would like to state I didn't go out. My mates went out on the weekend and I dropped them off at the local where they usually have a few games of snooker and a couple of pints to start the night. Turns out one of them ripped the snooker tablecloth and is refusing to pay for the damages. One

of our mates' dad's got involved as it's his local boozer and has agreed to pay for the damages and to re-cloth all the tables in the pub and Now has asked his son to do a whip around of all his mates our mates to help pay for the damages Have a word with me for not wanting to contribute to the damages or have a word with these gims for asking me to help pay When I didn't even go cheers lids appreciate you do. It's like anyone who was there, anyone who was there should chip in for the one table they damaged. It's not to do with you if you didn't go.

But also is dad being a fucking absolute gimp trying to get the fucking local some new snooker tables? She's weird. Oh, can I actually, it's your car, I'll get you a better new one as well while I'm there. Yeah. How many- You mean dad's a fucking lunatic. How many snooker tables. Which is weird. I crashed into your car, I'll get you a new one as well while I'm there. Yeah. How many snooker tables has this pub got?

I think three is normal for a snooker place. The mags has got two, hasn't it? In that little back room. What's the one on... He just said drop them off at the local where they usually have a few games of snooker. I'll be a snooker all night, won't I? I love fucking snooker. Yeah, so you games of snooker. Probably a snooker all over. I love fucking snooker. Yeah, so he can be a man. You love a snooker all do you?

I kind of enjoy it. When was the last time you went to a snooker all? 2009. I joined one in Manchester. Riley's? No, it wasn't. It was a sketchy one where you could definitely buy drugs if you wanted. Like it was a rough one.

Just at the back of the arena. You know in Manchester at the arena on the ring road at the far corner going into 16 years, me and the boys going into Cheetah Mill and I joined it because at Snooze Hall you can't just walk, you can't be a customer at Snooze Hall. That's how that works. It's the law because what, you just walk in and play snooker. That's madness. You have to be a member that I don't know why. Why, why? So they get, like rather than go, I'll pay a pound, you pay a membership

to pay for the tables, don't you? It's just easier for both parties. Like a toll road. Just because there's potential damages because people were stealing snooker ball. Cause you could go in and pay a quid and just break the table and get off. They don't know who you are.

But isn't that all pubs ever? Like, yeah, but like a table in a pub normally costs a bit less money than a regulation snooker table. And also that's the lively hood. If you booked a snooker table, let's make a table out the pub just still is a pub. Right. And then she went in the fucking cellar and started like ripping kegs out of the walls and stuff. Shit Riley's though, isn't it? We should have got more than one snooker table because we are a snooker club. I used to play snooker an awful lot as a child.

2009. It was a big year for snooker. It's possible. When I was in, when I was a magsman, used to go to the mags to watch the match every weekend from the ages of like 12 to 19. How many snooker tables? Two. Good. And it was 10p for six minutes.

So you put 10p in and you get six minutes on the light. There's an electronic snooker table? No. So the lights above the snooker table would be off and the 10p would turn the light on. And yeah, so for like a quid you'd get an hour. How big, talking about how big things seem when you were a kid. I remember the first time I think we were around to my dad's mate's house and he was loaded and he had a snooker table and I tried to break off on a snooker. I must've been like seven or eight years old.

It literally looked like a five side pitch. It was so hard as well. Like rarely, rarely hard to play a full game to, to the point. Yeah. I've got a snooker and then you're like, ah, this is fucking, the pearl's easy and you can mess around and accidentally win. Pearl's hard. I mean, snooker's hard. I loved it. I had my own cue. Yeah. You know, for me, Bertie, what a cue that was. What did you get? Snooker. No, it was always a, it was like a Ronnie O'Sullivan or something, wasn't it? Yeah, I think it had Ronnie on the box, yeah. Cool. Memories of Snooker. I don't know what you're meant to do with this, but I think you've got every right to

be like, I wasn't there, go fuck yourself. But the lads who were there, think they have to chip in. By the way, I don't think the, listen, I don't think the dad's that out of order. I think he's being off of recovering every snooker table in the ride I know how many it's not a Riley's just as the local no I'm gonna say every table well, I'm saying it's saying every table so that's more than two because otherwise it'd say both tables Yeah, so he's recovering at least three tables because one kid ripped the corner. Fucking hell, Graham, your lad came in, one of them ripped the table and we need a new roof. Get your fucking checkbook out.

That's ridiculous. If I dropped him off at the pub and then he smashed the pub up and he asked me to pay up, like no, I wasn't there. Why would you drop him? No, but I'm saying, Carl, can I have a lift to the pub? You're not welcome. We're going to do some damage. We're going to go and hurt people and you can't ask who we're hurting.

If I asked Carl to come to the pub and then on the way there told him he could just drop me off and go home, he'd be made up. See you later, lad. I went to pub. Yeah, the dad's a psychopath. The lad who was there should chip in for the cost of one table to be recovered. The other two is on this fucking there should chip in for the cost of one table to be covered. The other two is on this fucking- If they're being sound as well. Why? If they're being sound.

I have that lad who's a different fucked up. He's like, lad, what are you doing? He should have to pay the most. Yeah, but if you're like, oh lads, I'm sorry, fucking hell, I never went, I should throw a five or whatever, yeah. But like everyone, even if you weren't there, you're paying, what for?

The new three snooker tables? The dad's a fucking nobbit. No, but I think the dad's starting point is not a bad one. Like this is our local, come on, I drink here. You've broke, you've fucked a table. If it was just one table, I think it would be sound. Yeah, 600 quid. For what?

To re-cloth the table. How much is a roof? Don't know, I didn't think it was that much. So he's doing 1800 quid. A whip round? Yeah, fuck that, mate. That's a psychopath. I think it's that much. So he's doing 1800 quid. A whip round. Yeah, fuck that mate. That's a psychopath. I think it's that. Just wants 1800 pounds. I'll take the money. Don't worry about that. Last one. Tom G says, lads, I need you to have a word

with my mate James. We were on a night out and we went for a kebab in the middle of the night. James was munching his rap as we passed the strip club and we decided we wanted to go in. James is such a fat cunt, he didn't want to give up his rap. So he hid it in a bush outside the strippers. James had multiple dances, stayed in there for ages, then stumbled out and dived head first into the foliage to get his bush kebab and wolfed it down. Whilst a group of girls walking past watched him. Have a word with him for being an animal. You've had bush kebab, haven't you? Yeah.

Yeah. My name was Sophie. At first. What's wrong with this? Waste not, want not. That's what my non always used to say. Yeah, also the girls would be like, yeah, I'm foraging, if we were together.

That's what they want, they want hunter gatherers.ers tell you what girls look at that man he's gonna fuck he's caught a wild kebab there and you should have took it in yeah a real man would have took it in take it a kebab show me your kebab I'll show you mine oh sorry lover I meant food put that away if you have been talking to anyone who'd have been sick, I'd have put, yeah, if you spent money on a kebab. I think you're trying to smuggle in a kebab into a club. So it's not a good look, is it? What do you mean?

You know, I mean, this isn't a good look either. But when you're jamming a kebab into your jacket. Like sometimes you're just like really enjoying it and you're like, this is the one I want. Do you know what I mean? You don't want to go back and get another one in a bit. Sometimes, and not everyone's earning as much as you do, so they can't afford second kebabs. Back in your day when you were more skins, you'd have done this. Now that you're earning more, different, innit?

I've just got a little more show for me. Now that you've got disposable income. It's not exactly... Same knobhead you've always been. Just earning more. Just a two kebab man now. Also, the kebabs half filled you up. So by the time you leave, you're not hungry for the kebab. But you still want to enjoy the kebab.

What's your point? So he should be able to finish his kebab. He should be able to take it in with him, I think. I think doing it midway through a night's a bit mad. Yeah, that's the weird, weirdest bit about this whole thing. Leaving it in a bush. I'm all right with going back for it after you've had four strips. The strippers dance all over you.

I'm all right with. Mid, midnight kebab. Midnight out kebab. Yeah, that's over for me. I make me feel all like sluggish in bedtime. I thought the strippers was the end of the night as well. Is it? Oh, surely it is.

Yeah, you'd have gone to the club after the strippers. Maybe erection. You get an erection in the strippers. There's naked women. And you just keeping that all night higher. It depends how good they were. Have you ever got erect in the strippers? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. If you know, do you mean there's a woman there with a boobs? We're going to fucking everywhere with boobs. No, there isn't. Have you paid for a dance and had a pussy right in your face and you dicks done? No, I've never paid for a dance and had a pussy right in your face and your dicks done nothing? I've never paid for a dance. Well then what are we talking about?

Yeah, they don't get erect just stood in the strippers. That's what I thought. I thought Karl was turning up with half a cabal like. I got a dance when I was 16 in Ibiza and it was like, it was one of the maddest things I've ever seen. So of course I got an erection. Yeah. Right.

That makes more sense. A woman's waving her fucking flaps right here. You're going to get a bit of action going. Waving. Flapping from side to side. Was it a no touch? All strippers are no touching you. You will get your fingers broken if you grab hold of them. Cause they're strong. No cause a big man walking and punching at then. You meant to sit on your hands. Olly. So you sat on your hands. There's flaps. Jesus. No, I don't have to sit on my hands. I just don't grab the women. Carl has to sit on his hands. I can't trust myself. Carl goes in handcuffs. This is for everyone. I don't want to lose

any fingers. Also, could you just open that kebab for me? You've never had a strip? No? I've been strippers two or three times. Have you been to a brass house? Am I making that up? Yeah, I went to a brothel. Yeah, so you've been to a brothel but you've never had a dance. Well, I didn't do anything in the brothel. Haven't you shagged loads of brasses as well? But he's been to a brass house and he's never had a stripper and that's not the wrong way round Yeah it is Yeah it was

Add it to the list Like having shoes and no socks It's exactly like that That's what they said at the brothel So you've never been in that situation of being in a room with a woman? No, no, tell me all about it Have you finished? I went in the brothel and sat on my hands.

You've never been in a little booth with a dancer. No. How do you think that goes? So you walk in. So this is what I've done. I've walked in, in Prague and I've been to one in Milan and you sort of sit and it's like a show They're like no no

When everyone's that I mean on your own When they give you a don't see we've all seen the show cuz that's their that's their shop window in it Yeah, when you go to a strip club that the main fucking bit in the middle with like and now it's Stacey and Stacey comes up and she's like stupid salsa Like, and now it's Stacey and Stacey comes up and she's like, fucking, what's she doing with herself? Fucking date night. She comes on. That's Stacey's way of going, hey, imagine what I'd be like with me fucking box out, lad.

And then, Stacey's available for private dancers. Yeah. I love how she said that. Imagine. Touch me and I'll get your fingers broken. You want to see these flaps dance? 30 quid in a booth. How do you think that goes though?

If you've never been in the crowd of people. When you go off with fucking JMS in a little room. Fake. Call her fake. Oh no. When you and Faye go out to a little room what happens? I've only had it once and I say I was 16 and it was eye opening. Do you get to pick the music?

Take a ride. Just making a playlist. She gets bored. once and I say I was 16 and it was I open them. Do you get to pick the music? Take a ride. Just making a playlist. She gets bored and gets off. I was playing sick. Finn like stop dancing love. I'm on Spotify. No, you get to pick the woman though. All right. Okay. What if there's a queue for the woman? What if Stacey, you know, what if she's like the best one, Gemma and Faye looking a bit ropey.

You wait till she's done and you go up to her and be like. Oh, there's a queue for Stacey. It's like the cheese counter at Morrison's. You get a number. You'd be like, whoa. And she'd be like, all right, you can have me next, but you're paying a bit more. Oh, there's like, search prices.

You can negotiate with them and they can negotiate. They love that, don't they? Can I have a private dance? I've got 11 quid. No, but like that is what happens. If you go 60, then you go, oh no, and she goes, yeah go, yeah, I give it if they haggle with you. There's not a set RRP is there? I don't know. Come over and they'll be like, do you want to come and see me funny? And you'd be like, how much? They'd be like 40 quid. Yeah. If you say I've

got 30, you've got to go on then. Oh, I want a price. I don't want to be haggling with Stacey. You don't have to when she gives you price, you can't just agree to it. But if she goes seven grand, that's in your interest to talk her down. You're fucking mad. She'd probably say like 60 quid. And if you go, I've got 40, she might be like, right, one tip, one flap. I've got 10 euros and a bag of hula hoops. Can you pay in change? What?

Like if you have like coins. You're breaking your piggy bank to go to strippers. I think it looks not, you don't look like in my head you've got to like put it in the, you can't throw coins out. Like you can't just open the back of the coin because they don't want you to touch them. So they'll just be like money first and then you're like, Oh, you pay. Yeah. And then he goes up your hands. I'll pull a 60 80. I've got another 20. A little bit more. Yeah.

So what do you think happens though when you like, I want to know what you think happens in the room. So you see in the main show. Yeah. And you go, ah, ladies and gents, Stacey is available for private dances anywhere between seven grand and 10 euros. You set the price. Also she loves salt and vinegar.

Who knows? Just to let you know. That's the price. Also, she loves salt and vinegar hula hoops. Just to let you know. Is that the DJ? That's the DJ, DJ. There's no like PA. He's constantly scratching. He's a scratch strip club DJ. That's a scratch golfer. He's really good.

Hey, number 48. You're now, Gemma is available. You go, ah 48! Brilliant. It's like bongos bingo. She'll hold your hand and walk in and like you're fucking a million dollars. Oh, you get in the hand. Now when are you doing the, oh, hang on. Have you agreed the price of this point? Literally like that, like come on, babe.

Oh, so you're allowed to touch your fingers at that point? No, she will guide you in. She's allowed to touch you, you're not allowed to touch her. Like the queen. Are you blindfolded? Like the queen. Yeah.

What? Like the queen. The queen isn't allowed to touch me. The queen. No, it's like you don't touch the queen, but if she shook your hand Queen isn't allowed to touch me. The Queen? No, it's like you don't touch the Queen, but if she shook your hand you're allowed to do that. The Queen was in a strip club. Was that a real when she was alive?

It's on her turn. And you're not allowed to speak to her, she's got to speak to you. Yeah, yeah. And she loved who looked. I'd have just spoke to the Queen. So, so, so, so Gem is walking me to the booth and I'm like, oh, it's been a, you know, I've been working. And all the lads go, go on down lad! walking me to the booth and I'm like, Oh, it's been a, you know, and I went on my own, but I've just, I've won the crowd over. Where do I go? Hey, Gemma about this seven grand

surge pricing. I'm on my ass here girl. She won't take it until you've agreed the price. Not until the money's in her ass pocket. So you put it in her ass girl. She won't take it on until you've agreed the price not until the money's in a ass pocket So you put it in her ass pocket You won't get the dance until the money is in her hand or been beeped on the PDQ She take card. She's chipping pin absolutely strippers. Take and what is that in an underpants? No, it'll just be behind the bar All right, okay and then so I've paid and then we in, and then she closes the curtains, and she's like, this is gonna be so sexy.

If you touch me, you'll get your fingers broken. Don't worry about that. I'm sat on these hands, these touchy touchy hands. It sounds really sexy. And then you put Finlay Kay on, take a ride. What do you think her first move is? Salty. Well, they'll slowly strip.

And they haven't normally got a lot on to start with. It's not like she's wearing a fucking, you know, freaky outfit. But then normally they'll dance a little bit. She'll get a tit really close and you're tempted to lift them, but you're not allowed. And then she'll pull them back. And then normally like their big finishing move is they'll'll like, she'll have already shown you her pussy. And

she'll turn away from you and an arse will be in your face. And then she'll touch your toes and you got a really good view of her fucking... Bullet hole. Yeah. Right. Sounds gross. I mean... Naked women. No, it sounds...

What if it was a fella? It sounds... Grim. Of course it sounds grim. Why does it sound grim? But of course it's grim. It's not. It's fucking grim. What's like, I think I could get through the whole thing without being like sat here, sat on my arms with a region. I don't know. Thanks for doing the chip and pin. How'd you make money from that? If a woman puts a tit in your face, you don't decide to get an erection.

You'd be like, oh shit, there's tits there. You're going to get a boner. I think there's, you know, I think there's other stuff going on in it. Are you going to love her first? No, I just think you're going to be like, this is just sad. I think that would maybe override like- You wouldn't be in strippers with that thought then? No. Like you-

I think that's maybe why I've not got to dance. Because I can't- It doesn't feel sad at the time. They're really good at making you feel like they're into it. Yeah. I love this. This is what I want to be. A lot of people said you should be a cardiologist Gemma, but I was like, nah. I want to be a salsa dancer. I love dance. I remember when I was 16 and I saw that strippers box, it was wild. It changed me. He's a man now. I'm sorry. I don't know. I was just about to lose my virginity. So I hadn't, you know, I wasn't, I wasn't a box man. wasn't a box to box Kanzai. And I was like, well, I've never, it was there. I was like, it's not as pretty as I imagined.

Was this the same, was this a contract? Was that the first naked lady you saw? It was the first biff had been in my face yet. It doesn't happen often does it really? It doesn't happen often does it really? Speak for yourself. It was the first like close up biff. Right. It was only 16, there was no beef at that.

Come on. What are we here for lads? The clubs? The biffs? Yes. All the lads went wheel pay for your dance, pick a girl. I was like that one there. And then you're like go on lad.

Right so yeah shouldn't have eaten the kebab when you left the strip club. That's everyone's agreed. Really hungry now. You fancy kebab? Let's go to the strip. Hello everyone Dan Nyingale and Hattie Preston from the Have A Word podcast. It's time to talk about my absolute favourite sponsor. It's NordVPN. Do you know what a VPN is, Hattie? I have absolutely no idea and I'm not just saying that. Well, I am a bit of an expert. A VPN is a way where you just sort of, you can watch TV in a different country. It's amazing. You get on, you get your VPN set up and then all of a sudden you're like, ah, British Netflix sucks balls. What about Madagascar Netflix? Yeah.

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Call 1-866-531-2600, or visit connexontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Johnny Bungle! We're back baby! We're back! We do that every time by the way. We're back! We do that every time for every guest. Shout their name. No, we should. I was sick. Yeah, but he deserves it. He deserves an intro. The fucking games we have in this fucking studio. My sat over there. Oh, I've got to date the blog. Shut

up. Let's have a pint and a laugh. Bongo's bingo 10th birthday coming up soon. One week's time. Good to be back. I love coming here. I genuinely get excited when Johnny Bongo's here. I'd end up having a beer today. It's a good family day. All right. 10 years of bongo's bingo. Can you believe it? Fuckin hell. 10 years. What have you achieved? 10 years of Bongo's bingo. Yeah mad. Genuinely can't believe it. What an experience. What a ride. How are you celebrating it? So we're doing our um get the plugs out of the way. We're doing our birthday. 10th birthday in the exhibition centre. Which is by the way, which is the biggest bingo you'll ever go to. How many is it? Like three thousand, three and a half thousand. It is insanity. We're going to go on the Saturday. We are going to go on Saturday. Come. Yeah. So it'll be Saturday this Saturday in the future. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The exhibition center. Yeah. Check it out.

Everyone's going to be there. Triple header. Triple H. No, not surprise me though. No, it's a special guests. Not special guests. Yeah. We've got an ultimate ravers entrance. We've got Simon and Lee from blue 50% off when you just get to them. And, uh, and the, the first ever act we had at the bingo 10 years ago, we got them back. I had a retirement, I think cheeky girls. Yes. So I'm very, do you know the story about, uh, Sereka Carl's Mrs. On when we crashed your staff party on New Year's Eve a couple of years ago. And you walked into Betty and rye with Simon and Lee. Oh, they were there weren't they? Yeah. And Sereka was really drunk. And while they were right next to us, she went, Oh my God, it's Duncan from blue.

Simon who is, doesn't look like any of them. No, she said, Simon was there. Simon was there, man. Yeah. Adam tells that story better than you. Yeah. I was also drunk and I was like, there he is. It'll be good for to get his nine. We'll have a laugh. I hope so. A little cheeky one. They only have cheeky ones. I'm speaking of cheeky ones. There's a wee segue. Let's get on. Are we getting on there? I love that you bring stuff. Yeah. You got to bring stuff in there. Some glasses. I got when you brought us scotch eggs. Yeah, I think so. I'm thought with a nice, I Still all the meat to this day from the meat merchants. Peter, Peter. Yeah. I got this little golden envelope here, which I'm going to sit there like Alex Ferguson style. Mate,

you don't even know what's in it. Is that someone who's going to let us down? I got you this as well because the last time it was in, you didn't get any. It was the shankies web. You're acting. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Everyone got a touch. But you weren't here. Where are you? It's nice. It's a little caramel whiskey. Who it's summers here who fancies little apparel spritz. Who fancies the spritz spritz spritz spritz spritz. Who wants a spritz? Yeah. What about the twins back there? The fancy spritz? I've only got four but I've got pink glasses. So some people, you can talk about. Should I just get a hotel? What? Yeah.

Should I just book a hotel now? For everyone. I'll get you a ticket to Newcastle game if you want. He can buy it himself, Cardi. He's an animal. You can online football ticket. Throw in about seven grand. You won't even touch the sides, mate.

So fucking money you're on these days. So you, you talk amongst yourselves while I sort these. And you never have ice do you? No, no. So bring your own ice man in my hands. Oh my God. But yeah, talk amongst yourselves, I'll get the spritz going.

Johnny Bongo's quite sound, isn't he? Who comes and makes cocktails? Go on, yeah, get a hotel and I'll either get you the match or you can watch the match with Jack in town and after the match I'll meet you in Pogues and we'll celebrate the victory. Or you could come with me and watch the Toffees. Are you can watch the match with Jack in town and after the match I'll meet you in Pogues and we'll celebrate. You could come with me and watch the Toffees.

Are you going to game? No, no, it's away. It's away. But yeah, did you not get that sorted? No. Hit me up. We'll go. John, I've been trying it, but then the only day I got was his birthday and he wants to spend it with his family. Okay. Yeah. Laura doesn't want to go to Goodison for my birthday.

But it's your birthday. Hang on, you're letting Laura dictate your birthday. Would you tell her she couldn't go to Goodison for her birthday? No, that's where she went for her birthday. She loves going to Goodison, every birthday. What is Aperol Spritz? You've never had an Aperol Spritz? It's like the orangey thing that is an orangey.

Aperol Spritz is summer in a glass, mate. That's what Aperol Spritz? You've never had an Aperol Spritz? It's like the orangey thing that is an orangey. Yeah, it's like a... Aperol Spritz is summer in a glass maze. That's what Aperol Spritz is. But also, do you know what I remembered recently? You can have it in the winter as well, because there's no rules like Bailey's in the summer. Did you not have any when you were... Did you not have any when you were skiing?

It's the ultimate skiing drink? Of course it is, yeah. Oh, it is? No, I didn't have any. No? No. Making all, no. Getting on the streets. Too expensive for us. Just on this standard cheapest beer, you know, why would you be buying that? With the money you're just never dying by the way. So for those who don't

know, because we haven't actually addressed this on pod down, put a picture on his Instagram and his Facebook. Well, you did address it. Yeah, I don't think we pod. Dan put a picture on his Instagram and his Facebook. What? We did address it, did we? Yeah. I don't think we did. Yeah. I think he might've been a patron.

Yeah, we did. I'll tell the public then. Anyway, Dan put a caption up saying, he's still the same knob that he's always been, but he's here no more. And now. I was pissed. You weren't pissed?

It was fucking nine o'clock in the morning. Sober mind, sober post link. You can drink it now, yeah. When me and Carl started taking a piss, I'd him for it, he was like, I'm just going to ride it out. She's forgot about it next week. Well, that was a month ago. You and Tony getting funnier.

You have ADHD. So it'll be absolutely fine. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll remember. Fucking hell, Jim, there's some measures there, brother. Yeah. Free pouring man.

Tom Cruise style. Free pouring. Sorry, I only got four glasses. And I'm free. I love it. I love how you knew. Free pouring. I only got four glasses. I love it. I love it how you knew. Free pouring. No you're not.

So yeah, but good to be back. Thanks for, thanks for having us back. I always have such a lovely time coming on here, hanging out with you guys. Have you got Prosecco and soda water as well? Have you brought everything? Yeah, I've got to get three ingredients in it. Prosecco, soda water and apple. Equal parts. Johnny, you make me want to be such an alcoholist as well. Can I ask you a question, Johnny? Yes. Go ahead. How do you think your drinking affects your health? Because you always seem healthy, but you fucking put a la way like no one I've ever known.

No, but do you know what? I think it's a special occasion when I come on here. Do you know what I mean? So it's like it's because you know, I can't remember when was the first time I came on? It was years ago, was it? In Runcorn? And then we did the locking one. So I think because of those first two, then you set the precedent that if you come on, have a word, you're going to have to get on the booze. So like, yeah, if you just came on another chat with us now, it would feel a bit underwhelming. You kind of feel like you have to get the boot. I've set the precedent. You got Adam the most drunk he's ever been on a lock in. He was growling into a lump of cheese. So, so yeah. So no, my house. All right. I'm not, I'm not boozing all the

time. Like, but like I'm drunk before this. What do you mean? That was the last alcohol you drank. This sounds like an intervention. Yeah. There's been a way. Those guys are those guys at the back. They're security. Take me away. Jerry Carlstown. No, I like I'll have a funeral in a game, but I don't go. I don't go heavy like all the time. Oh no.

No, I like a pint as much just, you know, have a couple of, you know, no, you get giddy, don't you? And you just want to have, have a good wee afternoon. So have you ever done a sober bingo? Yeah, loads of times, but I don't know. That can't be as fun. No, that's the problem with it. I think it's just not when you're in a room with a crowd or just going absolutely mental and you're not on their level, it's tough. It's just more fun to just sort of, if you can't beat them, join them in it.

Rob Markman But how many, how many bingos were you doing back in the day? When you've, because obviously it's changed as a company now, you've got like Bongo's Bingo on the road, you've got tons of shows going on, but did you do absolutely every one like from the original sort of? Neil Milliken So when I first started it, and was doing Liverpool once a week, and then When I first started it and was doing Liverpool once a week and then started in Manchester, then Leeds. So I was doing five shows a week in the, for the first two years. And like, it was class. It was heavy just being the same sort of like groundhog day. Finish the show, get home at two o'clock in the morning and then back in the van the next day and traveling as well. And then I did that for close to

two years. Like I did a year on the road where it was five shows a week with slutty Susie, slutty Sue and then horny Heidi. And it's, I didn't want anyone else to do the shows. That's why I was being precious about it. And I was like, no, I got to do it. No one else is bongos bingo. It has to be me. You're sorry. Can I, I don't want to teach you how to suck eggs or something. You know, the third ingredient in Aperol sp Spritz isn't more Aperol. I don't think I'd ever go to a non-new bingo though. I know they're all capable, but for me, I mean, I'm not blowing salt in your eyes. You are the bingo. Got excited. It's a non-porous material. No, but to be fair, it's just water. It's just water.

Yeah. But if they were, if those, if those bingoes wouldn't matter, you could spill whatever you want on it. I've come on that couch. Oh, thank God. So how do you decide who is your other bingo host? Cause that must be, if you, if you initially were like, Oh, I've got to do them all. You passing the baton to the next guy must have been a hell of a process. Do you want the straws? Oh my god, thank you very much. I'm glad I got a feminine one. Finn, do you want to grab ours? Yeah, so I think we're... Yeah, yeah, they're all ready. Two for the lads as well. For the audio listeners, this looks exactly like you think it looks Who that is a weak apple. I'll split that jump There we go. Oh curved on the straws. No, I think I think how it worked was, you know when we first had other hosts

doing it The idea was to kind of like emulate the show that I was doing so it was like right copy me exactly and then that wasn't Working so I think now we've got 18 hosts So there's 18 show teams and everyone's got their own like, it's amazing. So you've got the structure of the bingo show, which is always the same, but each host can, depending on what city they're in, um, can put their own, their own slant on it and their own personality. To do the, you know, it was the same when we first had a guest go host in here, it is, it is a nervy thing to give guys. Cheers, guys. Cheers, lads.

Upper spritz. Cheers. Up the toffee. Up the Wednesday afternoon lock-ins, mate. That's what we're all here for. How many cities you in now, John? How does something so orange taste like cucumber? You've got COVID, you, mate. You've got long knees, long COVID. Nice though. How many cities you in now, John, so we're in very refreshing. It's fucking class 35, 35 to 40 cities. Um, and I'll see you off the states. Yes. Yeah. But look at the moment now we're focusing on just trying to do new cities in the UK. We're starting. I'm doing a show on, on Saturday. Landon. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Both Wales are just like, who's asked? We might as well be scouts. So we're doing other cities all the time. We're starting Darby, Cambridge we've started and they go down well, but each show's a little bit different in it. So with the crowd, like, and that's what, that's the only time you have to pick your certain hosts

for your certain cities. So like we've got a host in London, Matty Pars smashes it, does like clap him and things like that. His show's quite theatrical, but you put him in Glasgow, nah, they'll eat him alive. Do you know what I mean? So it's nice picking your, picking your host for your different cities, depending on their skillset. Yeah. It's what you do with a comedy bill. What's the audition process like? There's, there's not really one. I think that's one of the, one of the nice things about it is none of the, the majority of our hosts and dancers, none of them have planned to be performers.

None of them have set out to be, I want to be a host. I want, it's always been like people we've met along the way or mates of mates that have just a wee bit about them and that they'd be good on stage. Like, like I think if the way it was being a works is I think if the host was too slick, if the dancers were unbelievable, it wouldn't work. I think you'd feel like you just have to watch. Whereas because you're putting like party boys on stage that are just dancing about and it's more you want the mayhem. It's engaging. You want that. It's like, Oh, they're having fun. I want to have fun. I think Dan could be a bongos bingo host. Yeah. Yeah. I can. I think it'd be all right. Love it. Yeah. Bit rough around the edges, but funny. But would you

rough around the edges? You're slick. What if we did a have a word bingo where me and Carla the dancers and you're the host. You can do it if you want, yeah. You up for it? You have to wear dresses. Yeah. Fucking. To be fair, I watched that India special

and when you were in that sari, man, I was fucking. Yeah. It was gross. How many pints? You look good, none. Half and half brawl spritz, and I'm in. No, I thought you looked lovely. Thank you. It is worth mentioning.

I'm sure we'll do like a bit in this episode for this as well, but this Friday, the seventh of March, the India special is going live publicly. So if you're not a Patreon and you have yet to see it, it will be live on the have a way of YouTube this Friday, the seventh of March. Watch it, spread it around, put it in your WhatsApp groups. Let's get this seen by as many people as possible. And if you are not a patron and you're watching it for the first time publicly and you really enjoy it, please consider throwing a bit of money towards Zoe's Place if you like it.

It's a very good reason for it to go public. Not only is it the thing we're most proud of, it's for a good cause. I thought it was unbelievable. Whatever you think it's worth, give toifts are always placed whether that's two grand or three grand, four grand, whatever you think it's worth chuck towards. Johnson drew last thing. I won the bingo and a drummer last Christmas. I gave you my heart. Yeah. I want a grand and a you taught me to fuck off the stage quickly. You want a grand. Did you? Do you not remember that Christmas run was long? Do you want a grand and you told me to fuck off the stage quickly. You want a grand did you? Do you not remember?

Oh that Christmas run was long. Do you want a grand at the bingo? I won the jackpot. If anyone, most people, most people there would have just been like, hey, someone's won. But I honestly think if you knew who Carl was, you'd have gone, this is fucking weird. It was so weird. Yeah, because you were probably down the front. We were? Yeah. Yeah. And like you went winner. You went so weird. You were probably down the front. Yeah.

Yeah. And like you went winner. You went, yeah, get off the stage. Yeah. But that's it. You were, you were a genuine winner. I think that that happens sometimes if someone does win and I know but you do, you don't want to have like, cause we're, we are a registered gambling company. We have to like follow by all rules, regulations, stuff like that. But it's awkward. You know, if someone does win that I know and I, but I'll still go like, are you doing what your name? And then they'll go like, come on. It's me Chris. Remember I've been in the bungalow with you five minutes ago. It's like, yeah. It was really funny about that night as well as he was building up to doing it. He was

like, if I win, I'm just going to get up, get that grand and fucking spray and everyone. And I got told not to. No, you said you wanted to know. I got told I wanted the money. I want to throw it into the crowd, which would have been on for like, it was 50. So it'd been like fucking what 20 bills. And then I remember actually when no, don't do it. You look like a cunt.

I saw you when you're skiing, mate, just throwing money around everywhere. But it paid for Christmas. It paid for like class. Like we hosted Christmas. I think that would look a bit mental if you went, I don't need this and started fucking strip of flipping it. I reckon after the first one, Carl would be like, no, I'm trying to go back. Well, people, people have done that as well because it isn't the cash is in fifties and think people have done it like just because they're in the moment. They've won the cash and they just want to do that. But then it's fucking gone everywhere

all over the stage and there's people at the front crystal maze and grabbing all the notes. And then it's like regret. So yeah, yeah, I forgot that. Yeah. Well, then I'll spend the next day. What's the, can you say what the prizes are for the birthday show? Yeah. Or is that part of the, no, no, we've got, we've got loads. We're doing like a bit of a throwback. The stuff we've got done over the years. So like really iconic prizes. Got some cars, giving away some cars. Yeah. Cars. You gave away car years ago, didn't you? Yeah. So we're bringing that. We've got some nice little, a little pink Audi, a pink Audi. Hey, I don't know cars. A one is that a car? Yeah. Yeah. Well, pink ID, a one holidays. It's not even a banger. Holidays. Holy shit. If we win a car. Yeah. If you, if you, if you come and you win a

card, just like, don't say it, just be like, hello, I don't know. Yeah. I don't try and push it off the stage or something like that. No, I can't, I can't wait. These shows are going to be really, what's it? Wacky w Wavy, Wacky, Wavy, Wacky, Wavy, Wacky, Wavy, Wacky, Wavy, Wacky, Wavy, Wacky, Wavy, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wavy, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky,

Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wacky, Wack It's your first one last year and your face. You were like, this is, you watched bongos bingo. Like I watched Hamilton for the first time. You were just like, I can't believe this is real. And then I missed the hip hop special cause you do specials as well. Also coming back, coming back 9th of May. That was one of my favorite Newcastle. We went to it last once we looked, we loved the hip hop one? It was fucking boss. But the prizes are legendary. Aren't they? Do you think you've the stock of Henry's Hoover like nationally? We got a warehouse in an undisclosed location near Boodle and

it's just a trade. Undisclosed. And it's just a treasure trove. Like I think someone tried to break into it once and they must have been like massively disappointed. Maybe like hoping for a load of electronics and stuff and it's just fucking the inflatable guys, unicorns, dildos and Henry Hoover. So no, it's a, the warehouse, the podcast, the warehouses class. Like, but yeah, have you got a deal with Henry? No. So we did a class. So one of our, if people have never been to Bunga's being one of our iconic prizes is a Henry Hoover and we did a collaboration with them. The disco one. No, no. It was, it's a neon pink. Did you have a special one once where it was like,

we had a disco ball one we made, but we just made that ourselves. We're getting someone to stick the wee squares on it. Um, but Bungongos bingo and Henry Hoover did a collab. So they, I went down to the factory and Somerset and they were, they made 500 of these limited edition neon pink Henry Hoover's with the bongos bingo logo. And they've never done Henry Hoover's like such an old, old school company. They don't really do much marketing and stuff. They don't need to like, but yeah, that was a cry. I was like, mate, watching that come off the line. I was going, this is just unbelievable. What a moment in my life. Never did I think, never. You know, something's gone weirdly wrong and right. If when you're driving down to a Hoover

factory to see your own specialized neon Hoover coming off the factory line, man. It was just unbelievable. Big moment. Would you, if we did one, would you, would you be, I genuinely think that would be good crack. Like if he's one of the, like you'd have to, you'd have to, we'd have to train you up and stuff. Oh, I mean, we could film that. That's a special. Oh, I am. Yeah. I think that could be a good, like a good little experience, a good little special, but you would have to take it seriously. You would have to train up the dance moves and stuff like, and the hosting stuff as well. Cause you'd have to take the bingo part seriously. Yeah. I think you'd be, I think you'd both

be good hosts, but I did bingo when I was a haven mate back in 2000 lowest of experience them. I think it'd be good transferable skills on your CV. I was in lowest off beach for a while in the haven. So, you know, I understand what it means to be part of a team. And I also work well on my own. I've got great communication skills that I said wrong. I'd love to do that. Me and him dancers, you host Finn. You can have the night off. Yeah. You can do the lights or something. Yeah. I'll do the lights. You can do the visuals or something. You can be the prize. I could be the guest at the end, but you pretend to be someone. Yeah. You can give a fuck. No, but it's true. No, you can have be Heather Small. Can't be Heather Small?

I think no, for some obvious reasons. No, I won't do that. Just do the voice and the songs. That would be something I would take very seriously. I would not fuck around on that. That is a big shoes to fill. I would be committed to that. Right.

I'd love to. Note that down. Him too. He's paying us as a special, innit? Put it in the notes. It'd be a good day out, wouldn't it? How's the podcast started? Because you've launched the Bongo's podcast.

Yeah. And it's essentially regaling the tales of the touring nature of being party boys who run a bingo event for under-80s. Yeah, I think for, because we're in our 10th anniversary or 10th year, whatever, there's always been talk of, I'll do a podcast, do a podcast. And I've kind of finally got like a little bit of a reason to do one. And that's it. It's called Bongo's Bungalow. And we're just talking about the old days and it's just something to record, you know, have a little

bit of a record of the, of the stories over the years. And by God, we got some stories, you know what I mean? So I don't think we've ever had any of them off yet. I don't think when you've been on here, you've ever given us a bongos bingo story. So is the one that you've maybe we're having, we just never remembered, you know what I mean? Cause these are always easy experiences because you're bringing a lot of booze. Yeah. Big super app roll spritz on. And I'm so glad this was a pedal spritz. They are not, um, book fast. Yeah. No, I thought it well, it's summer's here. Is this stuff that's been bought brought up on the podcast that you've just completely forgotten like from the early days? Well, yeah. So literally we've been doing almost like episode by episode going like right back from the start from when he used

to do this pub quiz in Liverpool then to the first ever show to then, you know, going on tour or just and just and literally, so much stuff's been coming up on it that you just completely forget like even just like simple stuff of like when we've done our first show in Manchester or we were talking on the last one about one of our dancers, sweaty Betty at the time fell off a seven foot stage in Manchester in a mr. Blobby costume. Like did a shoulder and, um, and that was pretty, we had to, we had to do a show stop, you know, like that where you know, yeah, show star always rough. But then we tried to continue to show and then people were kicking off that would finish the show early. And you know, there's a young man in a blobby costume, like basically on his back on the

floor like, and uh, people were throwing pint glasses at him because the, or not like pints of air because people were less sympathetic because he was in a Mr. Blobby costume. I don't Mr. Blobby's for nothing. So, but I think as well, if he wasn't in that costume, he wouldn't be with us. Maybe I think it was the blobby costume that almost cushioned the fault seven feet off the stage. So there you go, Mr. Blob almost cushioned the fall. Seven feet off the stage. So there you go Mr. Blobby, he's one all there. One dead, one live. Do you mean no weapons

for those? Yeah. Mr. Blobby hosting some kind of game. He was the main event. What happened there? Didn't someone like- Did he fall from a helicopter? Have you spoken with him before? Yeah, Mr. Blobby wasn't in the death scene. Mr. Blobby pushed him.

You wouldn't know whether Mr Blobby was, maybe Mr Blobby was flying the helicopter. If he's out of the costume, you wouldn't know, would you? Would you recognise Mr Blobby if he wasn't in costume? Is it the OG Blobby? Is it a person who was the OG Blobby? Must have been. It wasn't, AI wasn't a thing back then.

So it has to be a person operating it. No, I mean, is it like a one guy like the Stig? It's gotta be. It's Michael Schumacher. His name was Barry Killebe. Killebe. Killebe. The words kills in the second name. Maybe it was him. Mad. Can we, can we have a blobby suit please? Oh yeah. I can't find them. Wasn't there one, wasn't there one going on eBay, like the original blobby suit and it was going up to like hundreds of thousands of pounds. Crack it on mate, guys. Just make us one. 62 grand.

Yeah, you can't find them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? I don't know, you can't replicate them, they're always shit. Because they're being used for skydives for safety purposes. You don't even need the parachute. Just land up. Hey, do you, do you want to see what's in the golden envelope?

Let me just give you a smooth pedophile piece. Want to have a little look there boys? Yeah. Tell us what's the thought behind the golden envelope? I just thought if the conversation runs a bit dry, I had an activity. Tell you he's got his own podcast now. I had an activity. If anyone wants to delve into it's up to you guys. Yeah. Yeah. Johnny, you lead. It's your show. It's a family fortunes quiz. If you just want to do that. Yeah. But you just need pens and paper and stuff like that. So hurry. That's why, that's why he's there. I just thought get away. So I did a quiz last week and I hadn't

done one in years and I'm just all about the quizzing. Um, what's up? Oh shit. Oh, he's just ran out. Are we in teams with two or is it one of them having themselves? You're riding solo. Fucking getting. You've got some pens in your cupboard. Normally when we do quizzes in here Dan's on me team and he's always weighing me down. No it's all... Oh mate he's got...

Your daily fucking carry. You've just sent that wee Harry out there. I never knew why I had this many pens but apparently it's all been leading to this moment where Paulie's pench gets whipped up. I'm having such a good day. Let's put up at Newcastle tonight, my pants are coming off mate. All been leading to this moment where Pauli's pen gets whipped up. Let's go beat Newcastle, my pants are coming off, mate. All leading up to this. Do you just wanna do, you're just cool doing the quiz.

We're doing a Johnny Bongo quiz, mate. And also- Follow you into the depths of hell, Michael. People at home can get pieces of paper and pens like no, can't they? And play along. Pause it here. Pause it here. Go get yourself a pen. Go and get your bit of paper and pens right now, can't they? And play along. Pause it here. Pause it here.

Go and get yourself a pen. Go and get your bit of paper. Get yourself an Aperol spritz. Pause it for long enough to go to the shop, get all the ingredients and make yourself an Aperol spritz. You need Aperol, Prosecco, soda, water and ice. And ideally a metal straw. A metal straw. If you want to know the recipe for my Aperol spritz, it's 150 mils Aperol, 150 mils Prosecco, drop of straw. If you want to know the recipe for my app roll spritz, it's 150 mils app roll, 150 mils Prosecco drop up soda. Just the drop. Yeah. So just to drop right. Everyone in through the team name. No, it's just your own name. You're not in a team. You can play on the phone. Can't you? I'm going to my team names, the high earners. Right. Don't try and own it. You don't have to own it. You just have to take it. Have you got a piece of paper? You don't need to do the camera like that.

No, Johnny, he really does. It's important. Will you just keep yours in your head? Okay. So it's a family fortunes quiz. The rules are really simple. Oh, no. Looking for the top answer. Oh, that's it. Nothing else will get you the point other than, uh, the top answer. Okay. So we in quiz. Do we have to buzz him? No, no, no. You just write it down. You write it down and then we'll maybe, I don't know, I haven't worked it out like, so maybe we swap answers or something like that. We'll just mix it up. We'll just do honesty rules, yeah? Yeah, yeah, we'll do honesty rules, fair enough. Can we play the jingle? Go on, we'll do a Johnny over it.

We're doing a jingle. It's Johnny's, it's Johnny's, it's Johnny's, it's Johnny's, it's Johnny's, it's Johnny's, it's Johnny's, look at his little hairy shed. Oh yeah? Yeah, we just played. Thanks for the jingle. That felt mental for Johnny with our headphones, didn't it?

Johnny! Right, right, top answer only. Top answer only. We asked 100 people to name something that you put in the fridge, all right? We asked 100 people to name something that you put in the fridge. So we've got 10 questions.

All right. Question number two, we asked 100 people to name something that you would associate with winter. Something you'd associate with winter. All right. If you're playing along at home, good luck. Question number three, name something. Oh, we asked a hundred people name a well-known brand of cat food. A well-known brand of cat food. Jack Finnegan, you don't have a piece of paper in a pen, man. You got them in your head. You'd be honest about it though. Okay. Question number four. We asked a hundred people to name a Broadway musical. Top answer only a

Broadway musical. Oh, he's a Broadway musical. You fucking got in my head with yours. Can't be that question. Number five. We asked a hundred people and this is a comedy one. Oh, comedy. Yeah. I love the pacing of Johnny's quiz. It's like he's got a train. How he fucking goes on the house. We asked a hundred people. What is the best British comedy of all time? So the top answer only the best British comedy of all time. Is that sitcom? Comedy. Comedy of all time. Oh, right. Yeah. I fucked that. Question number six. We asked a hundred people to name my favorite hand. What is my favorite hand? What's my favorite hand? Are you marking them down on your phone? Okay. We asked a hundred people. Question seven. No cheating. Question number seven. We asked 100 people to name

an animal or bird beginning with the letter S animal or bird, animal or birds, birds, animal or birds, animal or birds beginning with S top answer. You know what my answer is going to be. That's a good top answer doesn't it? Question number eight, I like this one. It's like a computer games one for the gamers. We asked a hundred people to name a movie that was a computer game first. A movie that was a computer game first. All right, put it down. And then question number nine, we asked a hundred people to name a bald person from Hollywood. A bald person. Oh yeah. In Hollywood. My brother. Gail Porter's not in Hollywood. And then question number 10, we asked a hundred people to name

an occupation that requires a horse. An occupation that requires a horse. I think I've got 10 out of 10. Yeah, me too. You know, um, you know when, what did you think was in the golden envelope before we started? Did you have any idea? No, it's like, did you take an STD and you found out before us, if I have gone to rate, I want it to be told to me by you. Anytime I see an envelope, I just think of the Brendan Rogers thing. So it was just who you were disappointed in this room. I really wouldn't match his sort of vibe. That's all I think. We're ready to go through the answers.

Yeah. So we say our answers and you tell us the right one. I'll, I'll, I'll, yeah, we can, we can, we can shout them out. No, we got, we got just for the sake of the podcast. We'll go one by one. And then you tell us the actual answer. Yeah. Okay.

And then we can't lie about whether we got the right one. Okay. That's fair enough. Go on, Carl. You go first. Hold on. There's no time limit on this podcast. No, no, no. Yeah. Just for the, just for the, also interesting, interesting fact for you is my family, we're on family fortunes once. There you go. Tell you about that in a wee minute. Yeah. Pretty cool story, which my parents wouldn't be. or then less. Oh, the gold. So much. But my parents wouldn't be happy telling the story like because they were an embarrassment to all of Northern Ireland. Like it was a pretty happy bottle.

It was an absolute stinker. But I'll tell you about it in a wee second because here come the answers. All right. What was your answer? Number one call the question was the question was something you put in a fridge milk. I also have milk. I have milk. Milk. Milk. What with the boys? Milk. Milk. Top answer. Milk. Well done. One point. We asked 100 people to name something you would associate with winter. Snow. Snow.

Snow. Christmas. Christmas was on there. Snow was the top answer. I was torn between them two as well. You could have also had hot chocolate or cold. Just cold. We asked 100 people name a type of a brand of cat food. Whiskers. Whiskers. Whiskers. Purina 1. I'm going to go with a null and null. All in for whiskers. Whiskers top answer. You three for three, Carl. Three for three this month. We asked a hundred people to name a popular Broadway musical.

Chicago. Les Mis. Chicago. I've written Hamilton and then changed it to Chicago. Chicago for Harry the boys. Hamilton. It was cats. Why do you have two cat questions back to back? Two cat questions back to back. Hamilton. Hamilton. It was cats.

Why do you have two cat questions back to back? Two cat questions back to back, you should have thought. I was trying to give yous a little clue. This next one, I really struggled to not have my own opinion on. You're saying? Yeah. Okay, we asked a hundred people, what is the best British comedy of all time?

Only Fills and Horses. Faulty Towers. Faulty Towers. Only Nonsense on All Day. Only Fills and Horses. Anyone back there? Fools and Horses. Faulty Towers. Faulty Towers. Only Nonsense on Holiday. Only Fools and Horses. Anyone back there? Fools and Horses. So on there there was Father Ted, Faulty Tars, The Office, Peep Show, Blackadder, there it is, the Great British Bake Off, but the top answer was Only Fools and Horses. Yay! Well done. Question number six. What's my favorite hand? Zimmer. Oh, close. Your wife's.

No, it was Han Solo. That was Han Solo. But Hans Zimmer was also on there. Han Job was on there. Hans Christian Andersen and Han Frank. So they were all on there as well. Wait, did you say hands? Hands, hands, yeah. But the answer was hands, Solo. It's okay, I put left. Yeah. Left hand, I don't know. Not on there.

Question seven, we asked for an animal or bird beginning with the letter S. Squirrel. Seagull. Snake. Snake. Snake's the right answer. You could have had spider.

Spider is also on the list. Sea lion, swan, and seal as well. This, the animal. Sea lion, swan and seal as well. This the the animal question number eight name name a movie. Follow me around forever. Name a movie that was a computer game first. Top answer only Tron. Super Mario. Super Mario. Resident Evil. Anyone over there now? No. All good answers. But the top answer was tomb raider. Yeah. Top answer was tomb raider. Resident evil was on there. Uh, the warcraft one was on there. Pokemon, Sonic, Assassin's Creed, back to the future. They're all on there.

Question number nine. Uh, name a bold person from Hollywood. Top answer only. Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis, Bruce Willis, the rock. Yeah. Would you've got a point for Dwayne Johnson? Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. I put Bruce Willis and then the last one, uh, an occupation that requires a horse. Cowboy slash podcaster slash comedian cowboy. Me cowboy was on the list. Jockey was the top answer. You could have had, well, you couldn't have, but also on the list was a mounted policeman, a horse breeder, a show jumper, a washing line or peg salesman. Uh, but cowboy was on there as well. So you go to add them all up. What'd you get out of 10? Four, I got the first three right and then fucked off. What'd you get? I got five. Five.

How do you got four boys? Six. Six. The bears are coming. Yeah. Hold on. And are you using the same team? Yeah. Yeah. He couldn't do that. It was a solo quiz. So did you get five? Did you get five? Yeah. You want to tie breaker? Yeah. Right. And it's the first one to shout it out. Okay. Okay. Okay. Top, top answer only we asked a hundred people to name an animal that lives under the sea. Whale. Shark. Octopus. No one wins. The whole thing. The whole thing was a massive waste of time because no one won. I love to hate octopus. What happened on family fortunes then?

We were looking for leafy. So you can, you can Google, you can Google this. This is a, it's on, it's on YouTube. So my name's not officially Johnny Bongo. It's Johnny Lacey. The Lacey's versus the Vokes. I think it was Northern Ireland versus Yorkshire. And my dad, my dad went on and the, so my dad was a sales rep and he worked for I think 30, 40 years for Campbell Soup. And like you could, you genuinely couldn't write this. You can see it on YouTube. So they won, they won fastest finger. My dad wins fastest finger.

Do you want to play or steal? And so my dad goes back to the, back to the side or whatever. And they asked to do, Les is doing his wee chit chat. So my dad's called Linus. He's going, oh, so Linus, what do you do? My dad's given it all the rep RT. He goes, oh, I'm a sale. I'm a soup salesman. A good soup's hard to find. Come and try a bowl of mine. No one can can like Campbell's can something like that. He's given Les all this chat. And the question was we asked a hundred people to name a food you can eat with hardly any tune. And my dad just goes chips. Like, like, like not for a laugh.

Like he just goes chips and like you couldn't have picked a better question for him. And he just ships and then my nan goes next soup top answers. I think she wins like a meal for two for her and her grandmother like, but that was, it was up. So they basically went every single one they played, you know, I think they were told play and every single round the other team just stole. And the answer, I think my, my uncle or my mom's cousin or something, name an instrument. You can play in the bath. He said a bazooka. Um, the way the wheels just absolutely fell off. But at the time you're thinking maybe this is maybe 15 hours, maybe only about 12 or 13 when they went on it. But like especially being from Northern Ireland,

you know, if someone was on ITV prime time, like everyone's talking about it. It's like family fortunes or someone on from Northern Ireland on it. And they, like my dad was getting called Mr. Chips in the street. It's a harmonica by the way. I think it was a harmonica was in there. Recorder was on there. I think he meant the kazoo. He goes, Oh, I think it's a kazoo. Bad. Good timing though. Hey, maybe later on we can all just sit around and we'll watch it together, you know, after this. I would love to. Let's go and watch it now.

Like, take a break now. And let's go and watch it right now. Oh, I don't wanna break. Hey, good quiz then, everyone have fun. Brilliant, well done, man. Good job, John. Good fun, thanks, I enjoyed it. What are we like today? Don't touch me, touch me. Silly boy. Oh, I tell it. What are we like today?

Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Silly boy. I tell you what, if you're enjoying today's episode, which you should be, you should like and subscribe on any format that you're on. And comment. Oh yeah. Comment.

Oh God, Carl and Dan really do have chemistry. Yes. Like, sub, comment, give us a five star rating, do everything. Because if you like us, you want us to do well, and you've got to feed the algorithm, feed it likes. We want to be podcasters and comedians and nobbers, but we have to play the game a little bit. So do like and subscribe, give a little comment.

All of that. Because I don't do this. When I watch a YouTube video and you go like and subscribe, I never do it, but I should. I'm a bad person. You should do it. Please do it. You're a good person.

Just comment something nice, like, add something on a bad person. You should do it. Please do it. Just comment something nice like, add some thing on a lovely head. Algorithm. Well that's a thing though. And if Finn's got a lovely head, comment that on every episode if you want. It feeds the algorithms. This is just meant to be a short one, isn't it? Hello everyone. Time to tell you about our absolute favourite sponsor, the OG. It's Manscaped.com. Now it's spring. It's nearly spring. And then you're gonna do a spring clean.

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See full terms at canada.casino.famil.com. Please play responsibly. Final section with our very own hall of famer, Johnny Bongo. Now we've been running executive orders for a while with our very own hall of famer, Johnny Bongo. Now we've been running executive orders for a while, where if you were in charge of the world, you're basically president of the earth and you can put any executive order through. Have you got anything you'd immediately like?

I just need a wee second to breathe a wee bit because that was a, that was a tough, I thought like a break, you just go freshen up and stuff, but we just watched all of that family fortunes and got absolutely massacred. And by the way, go and find it on YouTube because he has not lied about a syllable of what happened in that show. I forgot how brutal it was. It's like your dad was doing one of the best bits ever. Oh, the time when it was soup for me, soup for you, everyone like soup cause you don't have to chew it. Soupy dimes. Chips. Yeah, sorry. I'm back. Um, do you have any executive orders? We've got some that have been sent in.

No, it's not. If you want me to set the tone with it. No, no, how do we think? Adam messaged me saying, this is what executive orders is and explained it. Said I was meant to send you this last night, but I've sent you it like just 10 minutes before I got in. But how do we-

I sent you it at 11 a.m. Okay. We started at half one, Johnny. Okay. I had two and a half hours. Okay. Yeah, it's my bad to be fair. No, how do we,

genuinely how do we think? Two things that came to mind that, that if I had to have, so it's like I'm the Prime Minister, I'm the President. You're Trump, yeah, yeah. I'm Trump. One thing I don't like is people telling me dreams

when I'm not in them. So that would be in there. Do you know what I mean? Like, no, no, but like if someone says I had a dream and then they tell you all about it and it's just, it couldn't be fucked. It's like, if I'm not in this dream and I'm not doing something cool or mad in it, not bothered. And also you're a dad and I love my kids and I will listen to a lot of their bollocks. But when Etta goes, oh, I had a dream. I have to, it takes every bit of strength to not go, babe,

shut up, man. Yeah, but he wasn't a white eight year old girl. my fucking helmet. Shut up. What's the fucking NFL with it? I love hearing about dreams that I'm in though. When I'm in them. What did they do? Especially like if a girl tells you the sex dream and you were fucking, you know what I mean? You were there. Yeah. Yeah. Laura's done that to me before. She's gone, Oh, I had a dream. It was like a sexy dream. And it was Adam. It was a three-some and you're on the right side of the deck. But I think that should lead to sex. Yeah. She's trying to turn you on. Yeah. What are we doing? You then put the moves on breakfast time. Um, we're halfway through our cocoa. Fuck your wife. Well, you could say, just tell me, tell

me what happened, but tell me what happened as play by play. Yeah. Show me what happened. So what happened then? Show me what happened on my cock. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's one of the sexiest times in our household in a weekday morning as she's stressed and shouting at children. That is when she, I think, when she wants to fuck your children. Hey, get out of the garden. You fucked me in your dream last night. So you know. That's his signal though. So Dan comes on the podcast all the time and he's like, oh, my wife won't fuck me. Oh, my balls are fucking too heavy because I've got so much cum in them. That's never an issue. I'm sorting that out.

He's always like, oh, I'm not getting enough sex. You won't even let me bum out. Like it's constant. That's all we hear about. But then every time he brings stuff up like this, he's always like, oh, I'm not getting enough sex. You won't even let me bum out. Like it's constant. It's all we hear about. But then every time he brings stuff up like this, it's like, he's not even, it's like, I don't even know what she's putting down. That was your prime opportunity there. Yeah. Just I had a sex dream about you last night. You back get up and get your asshole up. Just bang her on the island. What was it doing then? And then she goes, let's go and do it now then girl. And I put that accent on. She started thinking in Scouse, you know, Laura, she goes, she was picking something out of the wardrobe and she went, it's happening.

It's happening. Well, she doesn't spend any time here, or with us. We're in her beds though, aren't we? We were bedded and there, mate. You're fucking right there, mate. You're in her cocoa box. Imagine if she woke up and she went, I had a dream last night. Adam fucked me. That is, I might read the seat notes. Would you be surprised though?

Right. I'd be a little taken aback. I mean, if it happened, that's one thing. For her then to go, tell Dan about this. Could you be offended? Because it's not real, is it? She just imagined it. Yeah, I'd be... Well, I'd be...

Oh, it wasn't intentional. It was her subconscious. Yeah, subconscious, that's worse. Her subconscious is a whore. No, but I dream about stuff that I don't want to happen all the time. It's he falling out. You can't run. Yeah. So maybe she doesn't want it to happen. That doesn't make me look very good. I had a nightmare last night. Next time just go, yeah, I bet you did. Let's go and reenact it. Do me a favor though. Next time she tells me she's, no, you, if she ever does tell you that, please tell me about it. So I can send her a card or something.

No, that makes it worse. Don't send my wife cards. Don't send her a bouquet of flowers. I don't like the, when like, when dreams, when people think that dreams mean stuff as well. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Sometimes you do though,

cause stress dreams are linked to your life. No, no, maybe yeah. If it's something like I'm stressed about this and then you dream about it. Like I've had dreams about shows going wrong or something like that. But you know when your teeth falling out is usually like, is that worried about? But no, but people have like a thing for it. It's like star sign shit. It's like, Oh, you're worried about money or he's not worried about money. Extra teeth coming in. Where's all these teeth coming in? Stop. So many watches and cars. I had another one as well. Um, that I thought about when I was walking out before we move on though, have you, have you had any recurring dreams? No, no, not

really. I have had one, right? So, and I have told these this before I had this recurring dream where I'm on stage in like a big theater. So it's like a 2000 seat theater, like the empire or something. And I'm on stage doing a show, but then I start floating above the audience and I'm, it's not like I start floating above the audience. And I'm, it's not like I'm like above the audience. It's not like a God complex thing because I'm desperately trying to get back onto the stage. You're like a balloon that got loose. Yeah. And I'm trying to get back, but I can't hold on. Am I in this dream? Yeah. Not ours. No, go ahead. So I'm, apparently it's to do with imposter syndrome, but I don't get that

because I'm sick. Well, it must be something deep there in the subconscious. I actually, do you know what? That's that. Have you heard the term? You've broke my dream. Yeah. That is, that is actually just reminding me of a dream about doing the 10th birthday where the cheeky girls came on. They're doing one song and they didn't do the cheeky song. That's generally true. And they came on and it did something like, I think it was like a fucking cover of ABBA or something like that. And I was like shouting at the, at the stage manager going, why are they not doing cheeky cheeky? Why are they not doing the cheeky song?

When you book, when you book it out like that, is it in the contract, like do the fucking song? Like if the cheeky girls came out and go, we've written some new things. Yeah. You got to go. No, play the hits, play the head. I have a dream when I meet someone really famous who want to meet and I can't get a picture with them. You have that in real life. Yeah. No, it's kind of similar to that, but like I'll take a picture and it'll be blary. And then I can't ask them again because they're in a rush. I'm like, ah, I met, then I'm like Jason Kumas and couldn't get a picture with them. Yeah. You'd be nervous, wouldn't you? Yeah. But like I, that happens quite often weirdly. Wonder

what that means. Is the last famous person you've got a picture with Russell Brand? No, probably Ed Sheeran. But you work with him? I mean like probably yeah. That's a long time ago as well. Yeah. What self, what selfie, what celebrity would get you asking? Cause you're obviously in the business. So it is a bit cringey asking for a selfie in it. There's like an unwritten rule. Who's a celebrity that you would be most pleased with the selfie? Are you joking?

Like what's, what's, what's your dream selfie? Holy Trinity, man. Roy Keane, Hasbulla, Harvey Price. You get all three of them. That's a nice whole, by the way. That's the Holy Trinity selfies There's a three you get them. They are the three as hard as selfies to get they are the shiny Charizards of self no Hasbro is easy. No, he's not easy. No, he's not easy. What do you mean? He's easy

You're gonna find out. No, I'm saying is Harvey place in Roi Keane, you know local has Dagestan? What I'm saying is Harvey Price and Roy Keane are, you know, local. Swim! What? We're one degree of separation from Roy Keane. Yeah, it's not like insane. Try and get a selfie out of him though. No, but that's it.

That's the thing. We're also one degree of separation from Harvey Price. Paul Smith got his teeth done on the same day as Jordan. Katie Price. Right. Paul, could you just shoot out a message to Katie? Just want a selfie with her disabled son. Can you ask him though? Because she goes, why do you out a message to Katie? A selfie with a disabled son. Can you ask him though?

Because she goes, why do you want a picture with Harvey? What you say? Cause Johnny Bond goes past the holy trinity with Roy Keane and Asbola. And then she goes, what does that mean? And why is he? They're the three hardest selfies. No, Barack Obama. No, he gets no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no front of us. Did he get a selfie? No, he's too far away. He said, are you sure? Or is he smaller, far away? Yeah. That was fucking belter. That wasn't me by the way. What happened there? A phone went off. No one else. Oh, I thought he's all in. But I've been close to Hasbro. So I could have got one if I ran down. What? So you, yeah, but you didn't get one did you?

No I didn't. That's because it's hard to get one. Name three celebrities who it's harder to get pictures from then. If you show a, if you have Jack W Bush. Easy. Kate Bush. She'd be difficult. What if you have to party for the people who say their names? Yeah, but just putting the bins on or something. I think, I I think I don't know. I'll stand by my holy trinity

Oh great ones, but I think how your place isn't difficult Just you have to explain why you want a picture with a disabled child. I Think it's easy apart from the obvious very awkward situation She's not made a price Katie price is on the ozm pick in G. Does club she's looking ghostly Katie Price is on the Ozempic, isn't she? He does club appearances. She's looking ghostly. Harvey Price does not do club appearances. Please?

No. Harvey Price has done, if he still does, club appearances. Yeah? What's he doing now? DJing? What's he done? Yeah, he has pictures of people. Yeah, I do.

Go on. Well, end of the day, she's a good mum, isn't she? You know? Six grand. Six grand? That's the overriding feel for me. Has he got that money though? Yeah. Which mean?

What's... Has Harvey Price gonna bank with six grand then, no? He's probably got more than that. He's probably put a few of those appearances into a low-yield bond. Low-yield? Why low? Because less volatile. Johnny, have you got another? Oh yeah.

Before we give any more financial advice to... Harvey Price? because less volatile. Johnny, have you got another? Oh yeah. Before we give any more financial advice to Harvey Price. So you what Harvey, you watching? I yield bonds mate. No, the other one I thought when I was walking in and... What? I don't, yeah, what, so you can make a ban on things? You'll probably get pissed off about this one I think because I'd completely completely restructure all of Scouse Chippies. It's just

a fucking nightmare. Scouse Chippies? Okay. You've got my intrigue. Scouse Chippies? Did somebody say Scouse Chippies? Yeah. Yeah, nightmare, shite, awful. Chips. Are you talking about? Chips. No, they're just, they're just, there's too many options. So you think it should be Chinese and chippy separate? Oh no, Scottish chippies is everything. It's Chinese, chippies, kebabs, pizzas. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're thinking of just the lobster potty, yeah? No, I'm not.

To me, a Chippy doesn't sell kebab. I'm thinking the Abbey fryer. I'm thinking I ain't chill. Well, I'm thinking Chris's Chippy. I'm thinking Steve's Chippy. They all do too much stuff. Yeah. And again, even if you want to just bring it down to Chinese food and Chippy food, all do too much stuff. Yeah, and again, even if you want to,

if you want to just bring it down to Chinese food and Chippy food, no, keep them separate. Wow. I'm sorry, mate, I would be revolting against you. So, why is this? You can't, it's, there's too much going on and it's, you're missing out on- Is the food subpar?

It's subpar because you've got too much going on. If you go to like a, a fine, a fine fish and chip establishment, like a Harry Ramson's, they're just, they're doing fish and chips and they've got a bang on Chinese restaurants, the takeaways and I like the chunk. If you've ever been there on the chill wall, five ways, just doing Chinese takeaway. Unbelievable. No fish and chips, no pies. No, just, just do one thing and do it right. Choo's, it's actually called Chayous, but the fellow who works there, who's named after he says it's Choo, but he's wrong. Chayous on Park Road do everything well. And here's the thing. What's the one on Lark Lane?

Andy's. Andy's on Lark Lane. Fish and chips. Is he doing Chinese food as well? Yeah. Yeah. But they do. But they're a chippy. No one goes in for the Chinese food. Do you know what I mean? So why do it? Because it's there. No. But they focus on the fish and chips and it's really good. It is really good. But choose fish and chips is still better. Are people doing combos? Are they doing like, are people going and going, I'll have fish and chips? No, I don't think they are. I don't think they are. I don't think. No, I don't think they are. Exactly. What is the point? Just do two separate ones

and do both really, really well. If your missus is like, Oh, I fancy a chip and you're like, Oh, I want a Chinese. Then you can both order the same place. No, but you've, you've, you've just, what's the one on Lark Lane? What's the one on Lark Lane you just mentioned? And you said the Chinese food shit there. No, I didn't. But no, it's not. It's not the, it's not the best. You said the fish and chips is good. Yeah. So they've got that bit. So then why they're doing Chinese food as well. Which is my one. That's the fucking one. The spring rolls. Absolutely outrageous. I just, I, but are you just going for Chinese food? Are you, are you going, if I want fish and chips, I would go there for that as well. Right. Okay.

But contentious, but you're the key. You just gotta do one thing and do it, right? That's the key to success, I feel. It works a lot of other places. It is a Liverpool thing, isn't it? It's definitely a Liverpool thing. I was like, you go to, the Chinese takeaway in Belfast is unbelievable,

but you're not getting a battered sausage there. They might have the menu saying English dishes, you know, like a pie, no one's going for that. And the chippies in Belfast are class as well. So that's just one. Listen, you asked me to come up with something and I didn't want to have a go at it. It's in, it's an executive order.

If you go to an Indian restaurant or a Chinese restaurant and you order from the Indian dishes for a main meal, you're a fucking idiot. Like that's as a fussy eater. Indian Chinese? What are you saying? If you go to an Indian restaurant and order from the English. You said if you go to an Indian restaurant and order from the Indian main meals. Johnny Bongo is probably. You can't, I'm taking your car keys. You're not driving today, mate. You're coming to my house and guess what we're having?

Sleepover and sword fights. We've got some executive orders from the listeners. Keris Mac says executive order. All restaurants should have a call button so you don't have to do the awkward thing of trying to catch a waiters eye. Which, which totally that's a fuck. That's that's Victorian bell syndrome. That's totally that, you know, ding a ling a ling. If it's just, if it's just a little, if it's just a little, it's on the thing. It's almost like the flight attendant.

Yeah. And I'm not comfortable with that with the flight attendant. And we all know the trouble I got in with that woman. It's not passing Keris. I suppose, what do you call it dude? Don't the sushi, sushi. They've got the little button pressing and your light goes up or on your thing. Yeah. But their whole deal is that it's a sort of, I like those road ethios, the ones where it's like the meat coming around. You can flip it. But that's a flip. I'm already a flip. Yeah. You walk by and they're just checking your flip. You're not waving or calling. I go, don't go be like a button. And if you press it, your bill comes. So as they're busy, you're like, we just need the bill. Just press

the bill button. And then honestly, it's like they want their bill. And then that comes, I suppose it's all right. I take it. I take a bill button. Yeah. But seeing like over and help. But half of the fun of being in a restaurant with your dad internationally is watching your dad give out the undercard one as well. Here's what I would say. It would be my executive order along these lines. Chips, chips, No, no, no pen, just chips. Chips and pen. How you paying? Soups and pen. Shit. It would be my executive order along these lines. Do you know in any restaurant, or any sort of service setting, where I've got to ask for a bill, right? Where you don't pay in advance.

You know when you bring the bill over? Bring the card machine with you. Yeah, you gotta do it, yeah. Don't come over and put a piece of paper down and fuck off for another 15 minutes. Just bring it over and just stand there for 20 seconds. If there's a big group of us and it's like, are you all paying separately?

Bring the card machine over and then go, paying together or separately. And if everyone says, oh separately, just give us a couple of minutes, then yeah, go away and come back. But coming over and just going, yeah. And then going away for another 15 minutes. It was just me and me missus. You're not consulting the bill are you?

You're not really fine toothpick going through the bill going no, no, yeah. Bring them both at the same time. Just bring them both. Happy with that. And then you go boom. I had a weird one. I went for a little cheeseburger before work on Monday and went to GBK and got myself a cheeseburger and then you pay at the till there

and go and sit down and it asked if I wanted to tip and I did just under the pressure of her being nice at the till but I hadn't had the service so it just it came up as my bill and then it said on the screen, how much tip do you want to put? And I just fucking panicked and put 10%. But they then could have been shit with the service after that. Do you feel, you feel obliged? I did this last night. I went to my local pub, the Abbey. And I think it's a, I think the brewer, it's a Marsden's brewery. So you know, the whole thing about a Guinness shortage and all this here. I think they are, they hardly ever have Guinness in. And I'm like absolutely fuming because everyone at the moment has Guinness and they don't. And I've been in

a few times almost flipping tables. I'm like no Guinness again. In fact, one of the times the girl behind the bar going, she went, we do have Guinness, but it's in the cell and we're going to save it for the weekend. But the landlord says he doesn't want to use it on a Tuesday night. And I was like, we'll just put it connected anyway. But same thing happened. I went in, no Guinness again, fuming. And I got a, a peretti or something. And then you're in front of the person and then came up tip and then you hit. I was like, I'd already just kicked off. I'm in still no Guinness. This is the only pub that has no fucking Guinness.

And then what pubs this? It's the RB and chill one. The Baltic fleets out of Guinness at the minute as well. And they're like known as like one of the good Guinness in the city. Or just to give them a little olive branch on that, not waiting on a Tuesday night thing. As the thing, the Guinness,

if it sits in the pipe, it becomes shit. Don't it? So if they don't sell that much midweek and they know all weekend, they're going to sell loads of it. They probably don't want to have shit Guinness going out on a Wednesday. They shouldn't be telling the punters that we have got some downstairs. That's the mental bit. I give 15%. I see. I wouldn't. I'm a big tipper when it to be like, nah, fuck you. I don't like it. I don't like the pressure. Like why are you gassing me this? Like if I want to tape, like I'll give you a thing. It should be the end of the meal. And so you're taping for the service. She was attractive and I'm earning more. So there might be in a bar in

a bar in a bar sense, it might be because you can't do the one for yourself anymore because everyone's paying on card. I get that maybe. But you know what I mean? You can't say take your own, take it all. Which is a Liverpool thing. Isn't it? Yeah. There needs to be a new take your own. No, but take your own in Liverpool. Take your own is 20, 20 or 30 or 50 or a pound. It's never been defined ever as it. No, but take your in Liverpool, take your own as 2020 or 30 or 50 or a pond. It's never been defined ever as it. No. Yeah. But it's a lower. You also, you know how to get it right. If you're in a local, I think it used to be 20 P I think now it's like if you didn't West Arby village, 50 P in town to pound. Yeah. If you're at St. Tresor social

club in Penn with them in 1998, it's 10 pence. And they tell you that on your first shift. It's a 50 pound round. It's a fiber. Yeah. But so when I was two or three quid at least, when I used to work in bars in London, take your own might only happen twice a night. And it would be a full price of a drink to drink. So then when I was in, in Liverpool working in cafe tobacco on the top of bowl street, and someone said, take your own. And I took a large Chardonnay or something like that. That was, that didn't go down well. So what do you mean? Take your own and 20 P lad. I was like, what? But I get it more. Everyone does it. So it adds up. My mom and dad lived in London for like three or four years and me dad worked on that and take your own was a drink. And at the end of the night,

he would sit it like he'd finished his shift at like nine, it's low until midnight and he'd have like 11 bevvies that he'd be more throughout the shift and he'd just sit there in chin and bite. He'd be like check on the till, like I've got like 11 drinks in lieu. Yeah they're all there. Executive order from Dylan M. Every builder or contractor should be legally obligated to put at least six plug sockets in every room. Wow. Just so people, people are sending these in. There's always a little point every time I come on this podcast where I just have to go where you want plug sockets. Yeah. So someone's kicked off about plug sockets. Yeah. and also I've read it and gone,

it's a valid point to put it in, so it's partly on me. Okay, sorry. Well, like, if you curate a room, say you've got an extension, you go, I want some there, I want some there. If you move in somewhere, you're like, if you really desperate, you have to go to the spot. I think what he's saying is,

he's not building houses, is he? Or it would just be good to move in somewhere where it is just plug sockets everywhere. I don't, I don't think you need them. I just think maybe three plug sockets per room and three, no, three USB, the new USB ones. They're pretty handy. I think we need to stop putting USB ports in because we put proper USB ports in, in hotels all around the world and now no one fucking uses them anymore.

That was like a, we were all a bit eager there, weren't we? We thought we'd found the new plug thing. And we can't make it USB-C now because then Apple in a couple of years, we're like, ah, fuck you, changing it again by the new phone. I love that they've made everyone USB-C. It's great.

As an Android user, that feels like everyone's come back round. Class. It was the law, wasn't it? One charger. That was the official law, wasn't it? It's European law that they have It was the law. That was the law. Wasn't it European law that they have to all follow the same charge. That's why we fucking left Europe. Um, one more executive order. Michael. Yeah. Big, big lever. Michael

says executive order. It should be illegal to take your partner food shopping when they clearly don't want to be there. I'm sick of being in the asda stuck behind some fat knobhead looking at his phone while his bird shouts at him for not being interested in what they're having for their tea. No dead weight in the Tesco. At Tesco run. So what I'll do is I'll go to Sereka, what do we need? She'll give me a note on my phone and I'll delete them as I'm going round and

I will do it as fast as I can. I know what we need. I'm like, I'll do it in 15 minutes, a big shop. I don't want to be going around going, should we get that? I'm like, decide what we want at home and I'll go and buy it all. Maybe I'll- You're all missing out on the joys of life here, boys.

What you doing to- Like one of the best, like I love going for a little wander around the Tesco. That's not a big shop, that's a wander. You want to go on my- No, even for a big shop. Like I'm going to wander around and see, like I'll get the essentials, the milk, the lay packs,

you know, the breads. You got your milks, you got your lay packs, you got your breads in this world. But then I'll be like, oh, what are we going to have for dinner tomorrow night? Right, well, we need chicken breasts for that, we need curry powder, we need rice bread. That's you, that's just you on your own, no?

Talking like I lied, walking around. We do that conversation. We need the lay packs. No, you got your lay packs there. You got your floor, but you're not taking an extra body. You just doesn't give a shit. And it's just clogging up the aisle. So the solo shoppings, the way forward is that when you're going around, you've got to go, you're in the zone and you know, you can use encouragement from the other half or whoever to give you a list. Oh, I get shot. She's like, you do the trolley and then I get shouted out for not following well enough. Like cause she's moving too. I'm like, I can't

be. I was chasing. I also, I will leave my trolley in aisle nine and walk to aisle 13 and terrifies me and come, but like, like every girl I've ever been in relationship with will be like, you can't fuck it's in people's way. I'm like, they can. It's more than two trolleys. I thought they were going to go, you can't fuck it, it's in people's way. I'm like, they can, it's more than two trolleys, I thought they were gonna go, you can't leave it there. Someone will go, God, they've got good taste. That's what I think. No, no one wants your trolley stuff.

I think someone will go, they've got a belter shop there. I'll just have that one. Just leave it. That's what I think. If I leave that there, someone's gonna go, that's everything I need, boss, you've saved me the time. I will leave it like at the end of, let's say, aisle nine to walk to the bottom of it,

because in my head, I'm like, I just need to go and get that. But then I'll get ADHD distracted and end up on aisle 13. And I'm like, I'll go back to nine. That's where it terrifies me. I like to, I like doing the sweep at the end. I don't know if anyone did you do the sweep? No, where you get to the, you get to the till you've put everything on the conveyor belt and there's one thing that you've just remembered. I have to run back and you have to run back. I fucking love this. I never feel more alive, you know? And then sometimes if it's like a big Tesco's or whatever and you don't even remember what,

because you've moved on to conveyor belt and someone else has moved a little bit forward. You don't even know what the hell am I in here. Here's the game in my head, right? So you'd have to tell all your stuffs on the belt. She's already started scanning your stuff. How many bags you want? 17, love, right? Whatever. She's on the belt. She's already started scanning your stuff. How many bags do you want? 17, love, right, whatever.

She's scanning the stuff. And then someone has already put some stuff behind you. The game in my head is, I have to go and get the thing I need and get back before all of my items are scanned because then I've inconvenienced nobody. Hang on, and no one's packing, you're on your own doing this.

No one's packing up your stuff. As she's scanning them through. Yeah. Is he that busy little area that I'll do would have none of that meat. I'll do you'd be shot. You'd be shot. And now that is like to fuck off as she's piling your stuff up. So then you've got to bag it. I couldn't go. I like that game with two people. I had someone running away and I'm bagging them back. But I'm good timing on me own. I'd be terrified. Although I used to scare me when my mom used to go out. So I running away and I'm bagging them back, bam, good timing. On me own, I'd be terrified. Although I used to scare me when my mum used to go out. So I was like, I'm going to have to pay for this. I don't know what I'm doing.

She's left me. She's gone. I'm going to prison. When you get back, it's like a fucking, it's like the cutting of the red or the green cord in a fucking street, like an action films. Like when it gets, and they're just like scanning one of your last things, you're like, oh, the oh, we are going to end this episode with a confession. Johnny, could you just wear Finn's headphones for a second? Because I can't play this jingle without you here.

And this is Johnny to come over there. Yeah, just got you got a full Apple spreads over there. What's your problem? Just for the I can help you with that. Fin, if you want Johnny, it's salt mate. I go to Finn's. Yeah, if you could. Come on, mate. We just think it's a bit of you, John. You don't have to sit down, Johnny.

You just... All right, okay, ready. So, ladies and gents, it's been an absolute pleasure with Johnny Bongo in the house. One more confession and we've got a jingle for it. I think I'm gonna play it at Dan's Anthems. I was about to say, we haven't even it at Dan's Anthems. I was about to say, we haven't even talked about Dan's Anthems. Can you pull that back so I can hear that drop again? I don't know, do you want it again?

That's, that's Rob. Nice, Stephen. Who made this? We've all had an apperol spritz. I listened. I think, sorry, you know, the do the have a way of Bongo's bingo. A third of it has to be country, a third of it has to be hip hop, and a third of it has to be like your fave shite. Sunday the 20th of April, Johnny Bongo's very kindly let me hire his venue.

No, no, no, no, no, no. hire his venue. No, no, no, no, no, no. You got to, you got to, you got to pull that, you got to pull that chin back and you got to sort of do like a old school, 1990s, 1990s club. Ready? So what's happening? Okay guys, April that's Easter Sunday at Bonkos Bingo. Content Liverpool, 4pm till 10pm. The first ever Have A Word Dance Party. It's going to go mental. Right, that's enough of that shit. Hey, good fun, innit? Busman's holiday.

Well, if this visual doesn't sum up how fucked up this second half of today's episode has been. I tell you what, you don't want to see this fucking history on here as well. Harvey Price club appearance. Explicit. This is from Anonymous, as all our confessions are. Explicit. This is from anonymous as all our confessions are. Adam will sit in judgment. Wag wag lids, confession here about 11 years ago. My closest mate Gaz passed away. He was a huge Fulham fan.

So we asked the club if we could spread the ashes at Craven Cottage. Sounds like a homophobic slayer by the way. A huge Fulham fan if you know what I mean. He was gay. So we asked the club if we could spread theham fan if you know what I mean. Yeah. He was gay. So we asked the club if we could spread the ashes at Craven Cottage and they said no. We were gutted. Craven Cottage? We were gutted. Craven.

Oh my god, stop fucking me up I'm drunk. We were gutted so instead of compromising we booked a stadium tour, hid Gaz's ashes in a large sandwich bag and smuggled him into the stadium. We sprinkled his ashes around different parts of the ground, then got onto the pitch. We wanted to spread his ashes around the penalty spot at the end where he used to sit, but the pitch was being replaced. So we spread as much as we could around the edges and then dumped the rest down the back of Martin Yoll's manager chair.

Honestly, I don't regret any of it and he would have found it hilarious, but do I deserve penance for making Martin Yole sit on my best mate's remains? No, absolutely not. You've done exact, first of all, fuck Fulham Football Club for saying no to this. I think all football clubs say no, don't they? Yeah, because they'd just be covered in ash.

They used to say, yeah, in like the 60s, but now they say- I'm telling you right now, when he dies, don't they? They used to say, yeah, in like the sixties, but now right now when he dies, don't take him to the hospital. Take me to the main stand and bedding me there mate. The hospital seats that happened to my mate Alan. He was leaving Goodison like I think two or three weeks ago and he was leaving coming down the stairs or whatever. And he was just like fucking out something like something's in my eye. And then realized someone was literally at the front spreading ashes on the ground and a back draft had just got everyone coming down the stairs. Alan's eyes.

Alan's eyes. Gone. Oh no. It's not wrong with that. Isn't anything wrong with that? No absolutely not. Martin Yole would have something wrong with that. When I die I want you to spread my ashes on Martin Yole.

If you could find him, I don't think he's been working for a while. What would you want to do with your ashes? Like genuinely? Because you're not religious, so you just think that's dust, don't you? You're just dust. I'm just dust, but I'm important dust. Are you important dust? Genuinely? I'd like to think someone would think my dust was important. No, no. Do you think your dust is important?

No, I won't. I honestly, I would like to die thinking that someone will go, A, we're going to go and do something. I just don't, I'd rather be thrown into the wind. What if Laura and the kids are already passed because they were in a speedboat accident? Fuck, in case they were caught. Okay.

So you have a last one to go. So who's going to give a fuck? My wife and children are dead. Yes. Oh, this is fun. But you didn't know about it because you're in a coma. I'm living with Martin Yall, who's my gay lover. And so I haven't got family.

You'd do something with my remains, wouldn't you? We also died in the same speedboat accident. What the fuck were you doing in a speedboat with my kids? It was the speedboat special, but you were missing it. You were like, brrrr, and the Laura's like, I had a dream about you last night. Why aren't I invited? That's the most defensive thing.

We were skiing. Yeah, because... Hang on, you quit the podcast because you had other revenue streams? You're in a speedboat. It's your speedboat. Oh, damn it. Yeah. What happened is that we just forget to pick your ashes up for like 10 years ago. No, you wouldn't. You play such a fucking big Billy Big Bull. It's your you think about that massive.

You think about it. I don't know. Yeah, you do. Even though you're not religious, isn't that just atoms? It absolutely is. Right. So why are you asked? It still is body language. What makes you different to a fucking, I don't know, a fucking Star Wars Lego set at that point? I'd like to be sold on eBay. Yeah, you're right. It's not important because I'll be aware of it or sentient. I get that. But I would like to go thinking there will be something, like I would like a little little earn in the corner of the frog dressing room saying, you think you just died. You'll

be earning. If that is not on your head still earning. You are Still Aaron. Who's a big earner now? Aaron forevermore. Right, yeah. I want the earn to be massive as well. I want it to look like the fucking You Wafe a Cup. You Wafe a Cup? What's a big cup? Stanley cups. Stanley cups. Confidence League cups.

I need to have a coffee because this afternoon is going to be an issue. So well the guests over here now. So you have to direct your goodbyes. Johnny Bongo as ever. It has been wonderful. We always have a laugh. We always have a laugh. We always have a laugh. We watch family fortunes. We play the family fortunes. I genuinely need chips and yeah, go and watch Bongo's bungalow. Go and download it. Give us a follow or whatever on that. And come to the 10th birthday and come to our rave. Yeah, that's your rave. You've just invited me like so.

Well, you're DJing. Dan's Anthems is on the 20th of April. The ticket link is everywhere. Search Dan's Anthems on Skittle. Oh, look at my socials. All of that malarkey. Do you know a song, Finn? Yeah, there is. My phone's over there. So I think I've got the name right. But you got sent in today. I've not listened to it yet, but it's a song about good as in part. What's your part? What's your home? You can't watch your password. I'm not saying that you can change it. No, it's fine. I never remembered it. It's by Adam Keene and it's, and it's called home. It's called good as in part,

but you know the way some songs have brackets after the title. It's called Goodison Park. Would you like to introduce it? It's called Home, but you know the way some songs have brackets after the title, it's also boo. I've got bits and pieces here, is it? It's by Goodison Park. And who's it by? Adam Keane. Okay, this next song is coming up from Adam Keane and it's about Goodison Park and the song is called Home. Download it, get on it, get on me and big love, up them fucking tarffies baby. Charlie Bongo, could you give us a bye Felicia?

Bye Felicia! From when I can remember this place has been my home Hats, scarves and badges and pictures on my walls There's been so much history Written between these walls And though we'll no longer live here It'll always be our home So look forward to the future Of our grand old football team For one thing is for sure and that's that we will always dream We'll play our Bramley more where we'll return to our glory

For now it'll be our job to keep alive these great old stories Since 1892 Generations of Blues have come down to go to St. Park week in week out when I lose we've made our pleasant snow by love's here we've shown and oh we'll no longer live, it'll always be our home From when I can't remember, this place has been my home And when the times have become hard, you know we always hold our own

There's been so much history, just written between these walls No, we're no longer living It'll always be our home Since 1892 Generations of blues Have come down to Goddard Sun Park Week in, week out When I lose

We've made our presence known Our loyalty we've shown And all will no longer live in, it'll always be our home La la la la la la la la la La la la la la la la la la La la la la la la la la la la Since 1892, the generations of blues have come down to Gautersund Park week in, week out, when I lose. I'll be candle-burned, the greatest team of all. And oh, we'll no longer live here, it'll always be our home.