Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #319 with Jack Skipper - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Starting point is 00:00:00 What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

Starting point is 00:00:23 And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Starting point is 00:00:43 Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Starting point is 00:01:13 Appreciate it and I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. You know what that bell means, don't you Dan? Start of another brilliant have a word episode. Whoa, yes. And ring a bell if you've got the best Patreon in the UK. Patreon.com slash Have A Word pod. If you're going to enjoy this episode, you are going to love being a patron.

Starting point is 00:01:34 30,000 lids, can't be wrong. For as little as three pounds a month, you get an exclusive episode every Wednesday. You also get early release of the video on a Saturday morning and then the specials call. So many specials. We've been around the world baby. I'm back. We've got drunken here and then we've been around the world. India, America, Amsterdam, Spain, we're going to Turkey. We're going to see the whole of the world and you can come along with us for just £3. That is cheaper than a layer pack.

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Starting point is 00:02:33 DanNightingale.com for that. Adam's got some live shows coming up. There's loads of chances to see us, but it all funnels through the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Have A Word Pod. This episode, as well as many others like it, is an absolute belter. Three quid. You look good today. Thank you. I love you. A lot of people say we don't get on an episode, but as soon as we're doing adverts, we're

Starting point is 00:02:55 best friends again. Come here, you. Come here. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool, with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have Our Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomer. Go Ed, get on me. Oh, a, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Starting point is 00:03:27 oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I feel hangover anxious. Oh, I feel fucking classmate. Great. I've been for a cold plunge

Starting point is 00:03:45 in a smoothie. I haven't had a cold plunge. Maybe that's it. I stayed in Liverpool. Have you thought of the worst things you could have done last night yet? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Especially because you reminded me of a few. So that was nice. That was great. I was like, oh, I feel really anxious. Carl was like, well, do you remember when you said this and this? I was like, wow. We went for a little booze. Can't say nothing no more. We went for a little pub drink didn't we more. We have a little pub drink. Didn't we? I got a bit out of hand.

Starting point is 00:04:07 They got a lot of it out of hand. Didn't it? I did. I apologize and I apologize. I think I might be done with shots until I do shots again. I just don't like doing them anymore. I did them last night because you were fucking keen on them. But I don't like like in a nottingham last week, I was like, it's a keyless keyless.

Starting point is 00:04:24 And I was like, no, I was like, no, I like to conchotic. I don't know. It's a weird, the control of the conchotic. It's an easy way to get drunk and control. Yeah. But you are doing a very sensible thing where you're having a fucking soft drink on a tequila. You're boshing it down and then you're like, I'm drinking all the other booze. I don't drink to get drunk. Yeah, you're a cultured man. I'm going to get drunk. I drink to enjoy it. Shots don't aid that. Yeah, you don't enjoy shots. Well, I went way beyond what I needed last night and too much and too soon.

Starting point is 00:05:02 And I was just wiped out for a bit and came back to life and I felt bad this morning. Woke up in the middle of night. My heart was going, you know what I mean? There's no pretending to be a fucking cricketer in India that can solve that. There's no little mind game that can get no context on that. What's the butterflies in your belly? No. Yeah. For no reason. Am I all right?

Starting point is 00:05:31 Am I all right? You're getting your knob out in the takeaway. No, I never get my knob out. Well, I can't say cause I got sheltered. You didn't get like it was out. You didn't get it out. You fucking liar. Liar. get like, it was out. You didn't get it out. You fucking liar, liar. My little dicks on fire. It wasn't out, but like you were like, it was just month's pubis. No,

Starting point is 00:05:52 it was really, we all seen, you know, last night and so did the very nice man in the takeaway. You weren't good mate. He's worked there for years as well. Oh, that guy. And he said, no, the white guy, the white lad who's a bit Turkish. Nothing. And he went, good mate. Good mate. Bullshit. Chuck was in. I got told not to say because you got scared. You got told not to say. You got told not to say until the podcast started. You got your knob out in a kebab shop then. Well, it wasn't out. No, it was in your pants. But you were showing people what from what you think. I've got the kind of dick where I can show it down the leg. No, you didn't. You're in your waistband.

Starting point is 00:06:31 Yeah. You've not helped this hungover at all. I never get my dick out. That's not true. I've seen your dick more than I've seen me own. I think. Since we started the podcast. Wasn't someone I was doing in dressing rooms. I was the first Louis E.K. I just did it to

Starting point is 00:06:51 Adam. Daniel T. Bag the whole deadly. Yeah, but that was for content. I'm an absolute true board. It comes to that. So just be gentle with me. All right. Yeah. You just need some food. You'll be fine. All right. I could do some food. You can't go back to that takeaway, Gaff though. Oh, you're liars.

Starting point is 00:07:09 I didn't get my dick out. Dan, Dan. I remember the takeaway. We just sat there and you ate my chips. We sat there and you ate chips. It wasn't when you were sat down. That's for certain. It's not the end of the world.

Starting point is 00:07:24 See, normally it's something like this when it gets brought up the next day. If I forgot it, I'd go, Oh my God, like I'd remember it. No, I'm fine. Do you maybe just not want to have it? Well, you got no button to take away that you showed a white Turkish man and he went good mood. Why do you keep saying white Turkish man? Because he is. He looks like he's a bit ginger as well. Yeah. But he's tech mate. Yeah. A fucking tech. And I got my dick out and he went good. That made me just went good. That's a light light. He was just uncomfortable. Yeah. Good. Anyway, I have been chilling. I feel good. I'm having one of those hangovers where I feel all right honey. You know when

Starting point is 00:08:06 you just wake up and you feel like up or down but ready to do it. Quote. Yeah. In between us. In between us. Sketchy but good sketchy. A little bit fuzzy in the corners. I woke up at 5am because by the way we were all home by like 10 o'clock. My dick out was at 9 45 apparently. I woke up at five and I was like, I feel rested, but like I'm going back to sleep and then I went back to sleep

Starting point is 00:08:31 and got up at seven to go for me cold plunge. At seven I was like, I could not go here. Jack Finnegan canceled it. I was like, do you know what? I could just stay in bed for a bit, but I thought, no, I'll feel better for it. So I went and made myself a sugary cup of tea in my Yeti. And I went for my cold plunge. I've had a juice. I'm now on a sparkling water. And the Reds and the champions, they quarterfinals tonight.

Starting point is 00:08:52 No, I'm 16. I'm just having a day, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? You just fucking... That is a lovely day. And how are you? You weren't that drunk, were you? I know you were.

Starting point is 00:09:02 I was and then I had to sort myself out. Got a bit panicky. And a wank. No, no, no. I mean I was sober by the time we'd finished. Finished. Yeah. Finished drinking. You did fall asleep at one point? Did I?

Starting point is 00:09:13 Don't remember that. I'm sure you and Dan were asleep back to back. That's cute. Apparently when I got in, my missus was still awake, you know, because it was 8pm. Yes. And I just kept singing the humours of whiskey, but I only know one verse of it, but I just wouldn't stop. And she was like...

Starting point is 00:09:30 And then just riff the rest. And guess me this riddle, what beats pipe and fiddle? What's sweeter than honey and milder than cream? What bests what you whistle? What's clearer than crystals? Sweeter than honey and stronger than steam. And then just, what could make the dumb talk? What could make the lame walk?

Starting point is 00:09:48 What's the elixir of life and philosopher's stone? And what helped Mr. Brunel to dig the Thames tunnel? Sure wasn't it whiskey from old dinner show? He's our little Josie. Stick to the crater, the best thing in nature for sinking your sorrows and raising your joys. So you do know it. She was having a go at you and you were singing that much of a song. I'd be annoyed if you're just singing nature for sinking your sorrows and raising your joy. So you do know it. She was having a go at you and you were singing that much of a song.

Starting point is 00:10:07 I'd be annoyed if you're just singing two lines. Yeah. Anything more than that you're off the hook. What do you mean? If you just repeat the same thing. Yeah, if you're just doing like two lines of a chorus over and over again. If you just go, Rob me, mom, like a wagon wheel, Rob me, mom, like a wagon wheel, Rob me.

Starting point is 00:10:23 Then you get another. No, but I would finish that and then start again, apparently for an hour. You do get in some ADHD loops, don't you? Also, if I'm pissed and in a good mood and I'm doing something that's whining someone off, I get a kick out of it, so. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:39 I think one of my main memories of 2022 is you singing, Jürgen said to me that I feel like that was most of that year. Well, the new one, it's not a new one. It's just this year's one. Is pretty much permanently me editing as well. Alive a bed upon my chest, we are men of Shankly's best. A team that plays the Liverpool way and wins the championship in May. Who are the best singing clubs? Has anyone well known for it? Like Palace are well known for it.

Starting point is 00:11:18 Palace are the loudest ground aren't they? But it doesn't do anything. No, but I mean, is there like a group of fans who are like, like, you know, like Stoke City, I don't imagine are the most musical of fans. Stoke, Stoke, Stoke. It's a fire alarm. We should do the fire alarm, it's the only one we've got. Stoke, Stoke. It is probably Celtic must be pretty good. I feel like, you know, in my head, they're all Catholic. They've been to church. They know the, they know the songs. Welsh teams are pretty good. How's you?

Starting point is 00:11:53 Well, I watched. Adam's allergic to Wales. I watched Swansea play at Anfield. That doesn't stop me fucking cars ma does it? 10 years ago. That was bad. They were doing good songs. Sorry.

Starting point is 00:12:01 Do what? I watched Swansea play at Anfield. I watched it. I watched it. I watched it. I watched it. I watched it. I watched Swansea play at Anfield about 10 years ago. They were doing football songs. They were just doing Welsh songs. Oh right. They were just doing Welsh songs. We are really good, but we don't mind anything you want to say is okay with us in Wales. We're a meet and lovely people. We like devolution.

Starting point is 00:12:36 Give us some things that we can have to ourselves. Well, you are proud to be a Welshman. and we went to Cardiff, didn't we? And we went to see the rugby. We did. And you sang the song. The national anthem. That's the one. The country song.

Starting point is 00:12:57 Yeah. And Harry, one pint in, was giving it everything. I was so Welsh. Wearing a daffodil hat, which is basically for 22 year old hot girls and children with needs. But you had it on. Great. Best 12 pound I've ever spent. And every time, like Harry was trying it so hard to be Welsh. It was in terms of people that were into it in the stadium, there was the guy painted as a dragon and then Harry. He got us on the news. Yeah. Me and him at the moment because the guy painted as a dragon was singing the Welsh and I was just going Wales back to him and screaming in his face. That cunt needs to stop drinking coffee. He's

Starting point is 00:13:41 got a sign that he's brought in and he's like, we are the 16th man. Let's let, let him hear it. And he was turning around and then looking at how they go, you're fucking Welsh. And Harry doesn't know the words to anything. So he's just going Wales, Wales. He probably just thought, oh, he's a special kid. There was an Irish fella in front of us who I don't think liked my patriotism for the Welsh. He did, but he was doing bad dad banter. He was like, oh, you're not even Welsh. And we were like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:13 Bad dad banter. No, but I'm not joking. He turned around and did it another 16 times. Like, you're like, ah, he was like, well, you're so Welsh. He's like like, just mate, you fuck off. Are you English though, Harry? Yeah. I mean, like my Nan's kind of ancestry is like Irish. Hey, I love the England. Like we're not. Oh yeah, you support England.

Starting point is 00:14:37 No. Like I'm very much like you use in terms of like, if they do well at a tournament like fair play, but like I would never be in, I'd never class myself as an England supporter. I've got like Germany tops. Yeah, but you would support England in a cup. No, you are an England supporter. No, you don't have to go away to a fucking. No, when we went to watch the Euros in Amsterdam, when we watched it, the final, I couldn't really get, like it would have been nice if they'd won, but I didn't really give a shit. I'd rather see Wigan win a corner than England

Starting point is 00:15:08 win the fucking World Cup. That cannot be true. We also got a good corner chant. We went to Europe, we played against like Maribor and everyone goes, ah, we don't do it that much anymore. But back in the day, you know, when, you know, when city Rob the Poznan, we robbed the, ah, we just go, Oh, ah, and the corner comes in and then it goes out for a throw. It's the first man. Is it not quite off? No, because it's, it might be now because we don't like the players will go, what's going on? Because we don't do it as much anymore. I'm telling you right now, Wigan are not up there for best singing clubs. Oh!

Starting point is 00:15:47 Ah! Wigan! Oh! They come to Wigan, they fear the corner. Once Wigan a corner, they get a corner. Then they're mesmerised! They're on the pitch going, who is it? Is it Gorillaz?

Starting point is 00:15:59 One of our chants that... Is it Gorillaz? What? The band? One of our chants got to number one in the country? Can I just double check? Am I the more like racist? Because don't like they do that chant in like Spain and Venice's June but it's normally

Starting point is 00:16:18 like a problem. No that's quicker. As long as it's spaced out on a corner it's not racist. A well-timed ooh. Ah. I wanna know. Is that not racist? I went to Wigan away once and Titus Bramble made one of the worst mistakes I've ever seen

Starting point is 00:16:31 and we scored. So we were singing Titus Bramble's name and on the way home on the radio, the fellow was like, you know, the Wigan fans really got behind him after that mistake. And the fellow went, that was us singing like, you know. Sometimes we'd go, there's a Wigan fan called Chunks and he was a very large man and he used to take his top off and he had chunks written across, like tattooed across his stomach. And if we play someone lower league, we'd go, Chunks has more fans than you and Chunks would be like jiggling.

Starting point is 00:16:59 So we do have culture in Wigan, yeah. We've got the ooh ah. And we had Ch chunks but he died. He died of a heart attack. Is chunks still alive? Still goes strong. I've not seen, I mean we had DJ Ken now as well who did, who did Will Griggs on fire.

Starting point is 00:17:18 And then he tried to like, he tried to progressively top the Will Griggs stuff. So he'd start like rubbing like, he'd do videos where he'd like pour flour on his head and then sing like songs about max power. Yeah. He never topped Will Griggs on that didn't reach the top 40. The max power song. If we want a hairdryer, it's about a man who used to play for tram. If we do Harry day, are we doing it in Wigan? Oh, that's wrestling. Chim bond is coming. Uh, I reckon

Starting point is 00:17:47 he's getting a bond. I want, I want Chim bond to pile drive me on my head. Pascal Chim bond. Pascal Chim bond. Does he still live in Wigan? I think he lives in Sunderland, but we can buy a bus. Hey, come down to Wigan Pascal. Buy a bus. Buy a bus. Come down to Wigan Pascal before you walk. It's here like. Has he got sacked from Scam because he throttled the goalkeeper? Is there anything in Wigan though? There's a peer?

Starting point is 00:18:15 Pies. Yeah there's a... There, there. Everywhere, Harry. The mistake Wigan made was let everyone else know the recipe for pies. Cause they are available. Yeah, but no one else does a Wigan kebab. They have pie bunsies don't they? Oh yeah, pee wet are all like.

Starting point is 00:18:30 Yeah, and Babi's Yed. It's called that cause it looks like a newborn baby's head and you meant to crack it open. They've got the Wigan Warriors who are back to- Sorry, what's a Babi's Yed? An upside down pie. Look at them, a Babi's Yed. Cause it's wet at the bottom. You meant to crack it open.

Starting point is 00:18:41 Yeah, I have my pies upside down. I don't call it a baby's head. Oh, I'll have a Babi's Yed please. Babi's Y at the bottom. You meant to crack it open? Yeah I have my pies upside down. I don't call it a baby's head. Like a baby's head. Baby's head please. Baby's head pay wet. Right. You've got the Wigan Warriors who are back to full strength.

Starting point is 00:18:55 Played in Las Vegas at the weekend. I don't follow the... I know but you are... You love rugby. Just cause you don't like them. You have got them. I love rugby union. I'm a Wales supporter, Dan. Yeah. I'm not a Wigan warrior supporter. Do you consider these ever Wales fan after that game? Yeah. What are the, I don't know many other rugby teams. There's

Starting point is 00:19:14 at least five others in that company. Yeah. But yeah, I consider myself a Wales fan. There was nothing on a football match. I thought Like the, the anthems were good, but other than that, it was a bit tame on it. Cause everyone sat together. Yeah. It's not also Wales rugby is not in the best of spots. Everyone turned up going, we're going to get like twatted here. And then all of a sudden it was exciting, but then it just felt a bit inevitable. The last 20 minutes. I think the Prince Palli Stadium, when Wales are, it was like five, six, seven years ago, the Gatlin had them playing brilliantly. I think that would be rocking, but there is a lack of an edge maybe, but then that makes it a nicer experience

Starting point is 00:19:56 in terms of there's no bellends. Yeah. Is everyone watching it? Don't you go to the NFL and everyone's really watching? Everyone's watching. Everyone's watching. Harry said he just watched the screen the whole time, even though we were on like the fifth row. Yeah, but I've booked in an eye test because of it. I'm going to Specsavers tomorrow because I just couldn't see what was going on. You know you've already got glasses. Yeah, they don't really. Holy hell. Oh, fuck me then. He's a big lad. Just what? In for fashion. You're going to get new

Starting point is 00:20:24 frames? Yeah, I don't know what to get though. Cause my dad once went to spec safe and he came back with circle ones. He looked like him and Garen. So I think you get round. Um, who's Herman Garen? I feel like I've mixed two Nazis together. Super Nazi. I meant super. I meant him. Well, him. There was one with the glasses. Yeah. Him. Love was the propaganda one. Wasn't it? Um, no, that was Gary. No, Gables. Gables was the poster fellow. Oh, him. Lewis is a right hand man. Uh, yes. Yeah. He was dead close to his. Hang on. Who was who? Garen was the... The army fella? Hello, I'm Himmler. Close enough, like. Himmler and Hitler. And more.

Starting point is 00:21:08 Do you reckon Himmler ever pretended to be cousins to Baird's on a night out? Do you remember that? Yeah, no, his cousin, his ma just changed a little bit. They used to love going to spa days, you know. They were into spa days, the Nazis, 1930s. They were always in spas. Always doing meetings and hanging out in spas, always doing meetings and hanging out in spas. Yeah, yeah, they loved it. They were just like, they loved it.

Starting point is 00:21:30 A little bit of a cold plunge and then they'd be just fine. That's why mobsters do it. Cause you naked, no one can wear a wire. Ah, who's secretly reporting on them? Do you think the problem with the Nazis is that no one could get a confession out of them? They ran the police. They were the police. They were the whole country. It's a totalitarian country. No, it's safe. Listen, listen, I know we're saying very publicly, we should wipe out people, murder them. Yeah. But I don't want to get into the papers. Okay, so just listen get in the sauna We do it's really good for skincare. What we do is through skin. We do hot cold and kill all the juice. Okay

Starting point is 00:22:15 That's why mobs is doing just saying There was no one who's who's trying to get them in the midnight? He's they run the gaff anyone who went I don't like you, got fucking killed. Isn't it mad that they were meant to win? You ever think about that? Like the Nazis were like Bucky's favorites. Why didn't they win? Because they overstretched massively.

Starting point is 00:22:35 They had a pact with the Soviet Union, with Russia, and then just changed their mind. They basically signed a deal with the communists. Hitler, when he was in his rise to power, focused on, we ate the Jews, they're awful. And he didn't invent the anti-Semitism. It was there when he was growing up. Like in Austria, it was like a really anti-Jewish sentiment,

Starting point is 00:22:58 but he ate communists as well. And so for him to sign a pact with Russia going, listen, we're just gonna kick off around here, but you can have half of Poland, we'll have half of Poland, and you should leave us alone. If he'd have left that there, then potentially could have won the war, but then turned on Russia and invaded.

Starting point is 00:23:15 So he was fighting on two fronts. And got smoked by both sides. But it had to start the war because they'd remilitarized and put so much money in, their economy would have failed if they hadn't have invaded the Sudetenland, the rest of Czechoslovakia, Poland, annex Austria. They had to do it because they'd run out of fucking money because you can't come to power and go, we need a massive army, don't we? Like, there was no fucking food. They were starting to struggle financially. But if they'd have just not started on Russia,

Starting point is 00:23:47 they could have won, I think. If only Amigo loans were around back then. Yeah, yeah. They've got a little payday loan. Or Wonga. Fucking rats. I've been listening about the rise to the power of the Nazis. It's so bleak.

Starting point is 00:23:58 I know we make a lot of jokes, but then you listen to the story of how they invaded Poland and the absolute like the hatred they had for Roman egyptis and Jews and gay men it was it's the evil the evil that they were capable of. What about Viking egyptis? No, they thought they were Egyptian. Kingy gypsies. No, but they thought they were Egyptian. Who did they like? Aryan. Aryan. No, Aryan. Arish Shafir. Arish Shafir. They wore them. Nordics. They're basically Nordic.

Starting point is 00:24:39 Nordics and they're so sick. We're all pussy. Me and Himmler in the fucking in the spa. No dicks. He, Himmler. They used to give out medals. He, Himmler, me, Hitler. That is what we do at the jobs. Listen, listen, listen. We should do some pronoun banter, you know. Next time we're at Nuremberg, let's do a big rally. And you'd be like, what's your pronoun? They're like, he, Himmler. It's great.

Starting point is 00:25:03 Really good fun. He loves his party. Your skin looks amazing. They used to give out medals to women who would have loads of babies. So they could like pump up kind of the, are you- Yeah, stay around.

Starting point is 00:25:16 I was like, I grew up on fucking full of medals, Michael. You got a gold medal. If you had 10, if you were a mother who had 10 kids, if you managed to knock out 10 German children with no... I can't do that. You got called like a gold medal and people had to... I needed so many babies because there was loads of them just getting knocked out. They had to salute you in the street.

Starting point is 00:25:42 Really? Yeah. You were like a mother of Nazi Germany or whatever. Like it was a gold star mother. So you had a baggy. How long were the Nazis real for? Because surely not going to be 10s. 1933 to 1945.

Starting point is 00:25:55 Yeah. There's kind of been many then because that baby is in about 10 years isn't it if you really pump in it. Yeah, I don't think there was many gold star mothers. Madness. I would just do three lots of triplets and then pump one more out. Four years done. Also Hitler drank, regularly drank what he thought was a health tonic and it was gun cleaning fluid. Yeah, he'd start doing it in the first world war because he was actually... He was mad, Ronnie.

Starting point is 00:26:21 Do you know what? I love the sauna. I love the steam room. I tried a little bit of this Heinrich. It's gone cleaning fluid. I'm sending me insane. Sounds like a love honey product for your cock. Clean your gold this, this all on time today. And wasn't it off his head on like Charlie and speed and that. I think he was on Methamphetamine when he's watching the Olympics. Yeah. And he's like, he's like, yes. He did have an Acheron though. It can be quite anxious towards him again.

Starting point is 00:26:48 Ninety thirty eight in Berlin. Yeah. Yeah. And they were like, does we need to take down some of the signs? It's a bit anti Jewish. Everyone's coming, take down the signs. And the Jewish people who had stayed were like, oh, maybe it's going to get better because you you're German and you're Jewish and you can tell what's happening you're starting to suffer the prejudice and then all of a sudden the Olympics came they knew the world's media was coming and then they're like take the signs take the signs down and whatnot and how did they get the Olympics if they were killing Jews they weren't killing any Jews at that point oh they didn't they didn't start they ramped they ramped up through

Starting point is 00:27:24 the 30s when's the night of the long knives? That's like, no, the light of the broken glass. It's crystal night. It's crystal night, 1938. It's after the Olympics. Then it got horrific. Okay, so the Olympics was? 1938.

Starting point is 00:27:39 And then after that, it got bad? I think what happened was, I mean, there was a systematic like persecution. They were like, you weren't allowed to go to shops if they were Jewish owned. There was so much like and, and there were waves of it. And that's that with all of this sort of totalitarian evil. It's not like one day we just go, they just ramp it up gradually. And then, and then in places it wasn't working as well. And people were like, what the fuck? I know these people. So they'd rein in a little bit. Someone tried to assassinate an ambassador in Paris, a Jewish guy tried to assassinate a German ambassador in Paris

Starting point is 00:28:14 and Hitler, who was a great opportunist for things like this went, yeah, we've got it. They were like, the outrage. And then it was all, it just got so much worse from that point on. But then when they got into other countries, they were like, these aren't even German. They're not even like, they didn't see Jewish people as German, but then it got horrific. Like what happened in Poland and so grim. But yeah, it just gradually ramped it up through the first. You mean Auschwitz?

Starting point is 00:28:40 You mean the Holocaust? They bombed our cheerleaders as well. Well, there was loads of camps, wasn't there? Yeah. There was, it's not just Auschwitz. That was just the main one, wasn't it? Again, they didn't have that plan in. They were like, in their head, they were like, we just need to get them out of Germany.

Starting point is 00:28:54 We hate them. They were like, they saw it as like a, I know it sounds awful, but like a disease. They were like, we need to get rid of it because it's fucking Germany up. That's how racists thing, isn't it? Like they didn't have the solution, but then gradually you just get there, don't you? Because they are the most intense evil that human existence and then overnight it just stopped. What? Like in 45, did it just like stop? Yeah. Overnight. Yeah, we wouldn't, it didn't scale it down. I mean, like it was just like, oh, next week we'll just do a few hundred. Well, the Russians were coming from the East. We came from the West and at

Starting point is 00:29:33 every point there's you get into concentration camps. People didn't know as well. Like it wasn't well known, all this stuff. It wasn't documented. It was, I don't think, I don't know loads about this, but I think people were. They weren't like streaming it, were they? No. Why do Americans think we'd be speaking German if it wasn't for them? Why do they think they were like... They jumped in later. I know. They had their power. Yeah. Without them we'd have...

Starting point is 00:29:56 Yeah. Without them we'd have lost. Pale Harbor, isn't it? Well, that's them fighting the Japanese, but some of their boats were in the Atlantic. They were doing quite well off the war because they were obviously lending money and supplying weapons, but they were like, it's not really our deal. And then it just became their deal. And also Russia was a concern as well.

Starting point is 00:30:19 That race to Berlin was mad because as soon as the war finishes, essentially the Cold War begins, doesn't it? Between Russia and America, total lack of, total distrust. I find it really fascinating. I find that you talk about it fascinating. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I do like when we do this. Finn Taylor has started a history podcast and I think I'm gonna start listening to it

Starting point is 00:30:45 because I do like listening to history but it has to be in like a funny dickhead way. It has to be for the ears of someone who knows nothing rather than like a fucking documentary. I'd recommend the rest is history. Not all their subject matter interests me. Like I really like medieval England and there's certain bits of history like Tudor and like

Starting point is 00:31:06 some there's something about like post First World War even the build up to the First World War into the end of the 40s that I find fascinating. I think it's because I listen to a lot of the buildup of like how the Nazis gained power and it's fascinating and also it's what makes it intense is there has never been an evil like this. And this is, this is in my granddad's lifetime. Like when this was happening, my granddad was like 15 years old. Was he fought or against? He was pretty heavily fought. He's a racist granddad. You know, he shouldn't have moved to Germany, but he was like, I liked these guys. I love a spa. He was putting the accent on as well. I'm from Livingston towns, but I do a good accent. If possible, let's have a pamper day. Now, what happened again in the Western world?

Starting point is 00:31:56 There's a lot of people who would argue that it is happening to that in America. Well, there's a lot of people who like and some of the sort of tone of Trump, but it's such a fucking, it's such a reach and I'm no fan of Trump. But the thing that people go is like, like Hitler, you're like, mate, that is so easily thrown out there. But is he not like early Hitler? Like 20s, 30s? First album, first album Hitler. Yeah. I mean, I think if you...

Starting point is 00:32:27 I don't know by the way. I've got no idea. I'm asking as like... 1920s, early Hitler, Mein Kampf, the Beer Hall Putsch. Like he's... Oh, he wrote the book first. That wasn't after this. So he went, so he did the Beer Hall Putsch in 1923. Is that now? Yeah, yeah. He went to prison and in prison, I mean he was quite cushy in

Starting point is 00:32:49 prison because he had a fellow who wrote for him and he would like, erate the Mein Kampf and that's where he wrote Mein Kampf was in prison. Yeah. There was many opportunities for Germany to stop him having the power that he had and it was missed out like. I was asking him whether Hitler wrote Mein Kampf after the war. many opportunities for Germany to stop him having the power that he had. And it was missed out like missed so many times. I was asking him whether Hitler roasts Mein Kampf after the war. Yeah, it was his memoirs. Oh my God. Listen, listen, listen. I know you're going to shoot me outside the bunker, but let's do some writing. Let's do some writing together. Mein Kampf.

Starting point is 00:33:19 Didn't he blow his own kite off? Yeah. What? He blew his own kite off didn't he? He even blew his own kite off. Yeah. What? Even if it was on kite off. He can't talk about the death of Hitler and put scousisms in it. Yeah, no, yeah, no. Scouse history would be fucking like. Outside the fucking, you fucking got a shotty, blew his kite off. So go out. Is it a shotgun? Yeah. He Cobain. It is a gold gun, gold plated gold plated like he's the man with the golden gun. Oh, there's a film that is it downfall

Starting point is 00:33:58 where Himmler gives his kids cyanide tablets and goes, okay, if we're going to sleep now, it's all over. We don't want to live in Germany. That's not the last of all. Good night, my little angels. It's the most harrowing. Is it a comedy? Cause it sounds it. I think maybe I'm trying to land off whenever Carl does German and comes out Chinese, you know. I am him. I think he's talking about Nazi Germany, doing it in weird accents, makes it more like. I'm a clip I've seen of Finn and Horatio's podcast, which what's it called?

Starting point is 00:34:39 Finn versus history? Yeah. Yeah. It's a- Flying by the way, go and have a look. Ridiculously flying. But I seen a, one of the early clips of it was him and her ratio talking and her ratio is like, why are all men obsessed with Nazis? Like if you get the, if you get men talking about Nazis, they're really into it. And Finn said, because I think Nazis is just the fairest, the boys has ever gotten. Like it's the fairest out of hand. Like go.

Starting point is 00:35:09 Yeah. Give us six more months of last night we could get near. That was like the beer hole pooch. What's the beer hole pooch? It's also the name of a Doug Stanhope comedy special. It was just the early grab for power of Hitler and the boys. Yeah. When he fucked, he fucked it. I've never been asked. It took them 10 years to get it. Never been asked by history. Like it's never grabbed me. I don't know why. Like it's just never been. I can't know. Yes. No, Turkish people historically have had some beef. Yeah, but you, it is in you because I've seen it. No, it's yeah.

Starting point is 00:35:55 No, a little bit. I've seen it in him. Sometimes we go, should we get Greek food? Like, you know, we're planning lunch. He has a little like, get us. Yeah. He's a bit. Is that just in you? Cause you're your dad. No, it's not. I don't care. I don't care. That's not true. It is true.

Starting point is 00:36:16 You might not care, but it is. You might not consciously care, but it is in you. I went to Zantzi. I can't be racist. I've been in all of you. I'm not racist. I go to Belladon's. Why is that here? If Stelios Giannakopoulos walked in here now, would you greet him? I'd shake his hand. I did miss the, conveniently missed the one episode we had a Greek comedian on. Unrelated.

Starting point is 00:36:40 George Zach. Oh yeah, I missed that one as well. We always miss episodes together. Strange. Just don't tell them. They're just off sucking each other's cocks. There you go. I thought it was going to be implied, but I think everyone got what we're talking about here. Do you know what I mean though? Should we have a break? Yeah. We've got lunch now or in a bit. I don't know if talking about Nazi Germany has helped my anxiety or not, but we did it. Winning in an exciting live dealer studio exclusively on FanDuel Casino where winning is undefeated.

Starting point is 00:37:26 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. If you enjoy detailed, fact-based, and empathetic true crime storytelling, you might like Canadian true crime. I'm Christy Lee. Join me for an immersive deep dive into some of the most thought-provoking crimes in the

Starting point is 00:37:59 country I now call home. From the case of headley lead singer Jacob Hogart to the bizarre naked kidnappings in Alberta to infamous cases like Colonel Russell Williams. Go beyond the headlines and get the full story. Find Canadian true crime wherever you listen to podcasts. helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com feeling frisky. If you love this episode, and my god you should, you'll want to watch all of the Patreon exclusives and all of the back catalogues of specials that we've got and become one of the lids. Sign up at Patreon.com slash have a word pod. We have nearly 30,000 people in the lid army. Ooh, you get some good shit, don't you? You get early access to these public episodes. You get an extra episode every single week and you get a monthly special. Things like our trip to India, which has now gone public.

Starting point is 00:39:10 But that's the only one that went public. The rest of them are exclusive to Patreon, such as Lock-Ins, Ghost Hunts, the trip to Nashville, both Amsterdam trips. Oh, we took over a barbershop. And I'm telling you what, there's more japs to come. We had so much fun. So box race. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:27 There's also loads of extras. That's the other one that came into your head. Soapbox. It's very popular on the soapbox. It is. Oh, it was so fun. If you won tickets, you're gonna have to be a big team. We won, by the way.

Starting point is 00:39:36 Big red bull fucking stiffed us. Big bull. Big bull. Big bull stiffed us. You changed the times, remember? Remember? Changed our time. You didn't win though, did you? I like how you-

Starting point is 00:39:44 You didn't win. You definitely didn't win. I was part of the team. I ran down, shaking in the wind. Well, if you like- Me won, mate. Or if you like tickets and merch, and other podcasts such as Mad That Mondays, they're actually relevant for the bit

Starting point is 00:39:55 because everything's public now. But we do loads of shit and it's three quid, go and sign up and have a bloody lovely time. What an advert. Boys, we have a bloody lovely time. What an advert. Um, boys, we have a question from a young man or woman called Oscar. Man in it. Where is it? It's a dog. Oh, do it again. Oh no. He's lying inside of me. Oh no, it is. Oscar was nearly my name. That was, can you be a female Oscar? No, it is a man's name in it. What am I thinking of? I'm thinking of cats. I think nowadays.

Starting point is 00:40:29 I think nowadays. What happened? I think I'm pissed from pizza. Wag wag boys question. What are some things that seemingly used to be everywhere but have completely disappeared? I swear those little spinny coin things in Mackies and supermarkets were a huge part of my childhood, but now they're all gone. Same goes for wishing wells. Where did you live? I grew up in a fairy tale.

Starting point is 00:40:58 Wishing wells used to be everywhere back in my day. I didn't have enough pennies. White dog shit. Yes. Yes. I didn't have enough pennies. White dog shit. Yes. What's going on? Yes. Hang on.

Starting point is 00:41:12 What are you doing a bit? Are you doing the white dog shit bit? What white dog shit? All right, cool. Go on. Yeah. Is it? Is it?

Starting point is 00:41:23 It feels like it's a bit. What's the bit? I thought you were out the bit. Where did white dog shit go? I've never seen anyone do it. Maybe they have. I tell you what, edit it out and I'll do it again. No, no, no, do it again and I'll go. Okay. White dog shit. Is that like a hack bit? Yeah. It's well trodden. Oh, don't trodden it. Shoot me the head. Yeah. I think you've got to do it. I've got a lot of dog shit on my algorithm. Apparently I like, you know, I'm sorry, but it's just monkeys and tits. The congas, congas. Say that again. The Congo? No.

Starting point is 00:42:06 The Democratic Republic of Congo? Where's that coming from? It's everywhere. The law couldn't move. People doing the conga. Do you think if you're Congolese and you do the conga it feels like special? Oh, yeah. It is right though.

Starting point is 00:42:20 Congas used to last a long time. When was the last time you were part of a conga? I have never conga'd in my life. You're the last time you you were part of a conga. I have never conga to me like We used to conga around pop world And do the one on the floor with the rock the boat On the floor outside your head. Yeah, those songs have gone you cool guys Sorry just cuz you were in some gaff sniffing shite off someone's cock. Yeah, that's what we do. It was either that or the conga and I chose. Have you ever sniffed beak off someone's bellend?

Starting point is 00:42:53 What? Have you ever sniffed beak off someone's cock? No, I've sniffed off someone. Has anyone ever sniffed off your cock? No, it's not a flat surface, but I was once seeing a quite a strong woman, who's a rugby player, and she loved the shite, and I did two lines off her back. So.

Starting point is 00:43:13 Is that true? No. It was fun, wasn't it? The bellend's quite porous, though, isn't it? Imagine that going, come on, big shoes, lie down. Tits on the floor. The bellend's quite porous, I feel like you'd lose some over time. Oh, you could do cocaine.

Starting point is 00:43:27 Have you got porous bellens? No, but I mean, it's not not porous. No, it is, your bellen is like a sponge, isn't it? Permeable membrane. Oh, is it? It's a permeable membrane. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you put lemon up your cock.

Starting point is 00:43:38 Like a sponge, your dick is like a sponge. You can taste stuff with your knob. Yeah. Oh yeah. And your balls as well. Sometimes when I go swimming, my dick just fills up with water. Cause it's like a sponge. You can taste stuff with your knob. Yeah. And your balls as well. Sometimes when I go swimming, my dick just fills up with water. Cause it's like a sponge. Everyone's like, where's the bath water? If you put cocaine on your bellend and then you haven't got a foreskin, but then pulled it over and then came back an hour later, there would be less cocaine. Yeah. But there is taste buds down there as well. Do you know like how sometimes

Starting point is 00:44:00 you know your balls smell even though you can't they're nowhere near your nose. Right. Your balls are telling you. I stink mate. So if you you just sat there out of nowhere you go ah because I smell my balls but I've got you don't use your nose. Your balls are telling you. Your balls are smelling it for you. So you've got dicks like sponges and your balls can smell. Balls can taste. Balls can taste. Balls can taste? They've got taste buds.

Starting point is 00:44:29 Nice. Also, white dog shit is a legitimate one. And a conger. It used to be everywhere. Oh, that's what we were doing. When you were a kid there was white dog shit everywhere in my head. You couldn't walk. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:44:43 Not a piece. What happened to it? They're just feeding dogs better I think. It was frost and frosted dog shit wasn't it? No but it, oh no no it wasn't icy dog shit. It was? No it wasn't. I thought someone went around and sprayed it. Yeah I thought that. It was in the middle of the summer. You could still have it in the summer. I thought it. There's some shit. Don't stand in that spray it. Why wouldn't they pick it up? It's not their dog. Yeah. It's a message. Google why does dog shit go white? There's a, there's a guy with a white spray. Leonardo the shit see. She had to was like the best and shitty a diet that is high in calcium. Don't try drinking milk no more.

Starting point is 00:45:28 Milk in schools. We've got milk in schools. When I go to school, there's no milk. We've got some others. Suggestions? Films in 3D? 3D films? No, I went last year. Nobody kind of got late phased.

Starting point is 00:45:46 Avatar. It's just, it's not done well enough yet, is it? Oh no, Coraline. I want to watch Coraline. I saw Coraline in 3D. And also, Coraline in 3D. He tried to make it home, didn't he? Like you're home,

Starting point is 00:45:57 but then everyone has to wear glasses. And that's stupid. It just isn't done well enough yet. Like at some point maybe, I remember going to see like Iron Man or something. It was like a fucking rocket was coming out my eye towards the skin. It just done't done well enough yet. Like at some point maybe. But I remember going to see like Iron Man or something. It was like a fucking rocket was coming out my eye towards the skin. It just done me head in.

Starting point is 00:46:09 Etta is getting into avatars. Good one. That second one. Yeah. Like decent. I just can't be arsed with it. Really full. Is it?

Starting point is 00:46:17 That's my attitude towards avatar. I can't be arsed with it. It is long, like. Cause it's animated and it's not real. I'll do like 27 of them as well. The new ones coming out. Isn't it all about them just being blue? Yeah, that's what it's about. 2.2 billion at the box office. For the new one as well the old one's three billion. James Cameron's got three of the top four grossing films of all time.

Starting point is 00:46:35 Titanic. Both avatars. There's a Chinese one coming through it It's gonna be in, it's gonna break the top five. Chinese avatar? No, Chinese film. Don't say it, they're all blue still. You said it. Don't say it, I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, no, come on guys, don't get in trouble.

Starting point is 00:47:01 I'll do it for you. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We're all thinking it, now I'm saying it. So if you weren't thinking it, now you are, because I said it. I didn't say anything. Whoa, whoa on guys. Don't go. We're all thinking it. Now I'm saying so if you weren't thinking it now you are. Cause I said, I said, no, they're all blue. Well, the reason he's making all the films is so he can fund his submarine in it. Oh, you're seeing Titanic. He likes, he likes going down to Titanic and light waving the most. Yeah. Yeah. James Cameron has seen the wreckage of the Titanic more than anybody. Oh, I thought you meant film After the film got made the joint before

Starting point is 00:47:31 Loves I they love Titanic. I'm saying like 80 times and obviously them people died last year So I think he might have stopped. No. Yeah, but they went they led like a fucking being embargoed So they're doing like a phone coke and didn't he? He's seen it low. many times have you seen it? 33 dives. 33. Anyway yeah 3D films are shite. I watched one and was like never again.

Starting point is 00:47:51 Yeah I'm on internet distracting. I don't want glasses on. I don't wear glasses. Erm Justin Lee. He was having. Going for a light house as we go. Other things that have disappeared. Justin Lee Collins.

Starting point is 00:48:01 Me? Wasn't he a bad man? He was a bad man. Was he? Yeah he was a bad man. He was kissing people who didn't. He's a bad man with the ladies. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, that's bad. Who? He kissed, he kissed someone from love Island on Brits. Yeah. And he's got a wife for a long time. Wife. That's how he won I'm a Slurber apparently. The Irish Moira. She blows off. She's good chat. I like her. She's great as well. Oh, he played the Hey I'm

Starting point is 00:48:35 a cool dad and husband. I'm a dad and I miss my kids but I just love the music. It's been live thought for me. Yeah. And then he went and cheated on his wife on telly. I'm not telling Etta that, she'll be gutted she likes him. Well she got a chance now if she's fucking, if she can hold us up. No, no that's not why she likes him. Would she understand what? She didn't want to get with him. Would Etta be able to grasp cheating?

Starting point is 00:48:59 Would she know that that's naughty? That's naughty! that's naughty. That's naughty. She's just become aware of divorce. Is that, did you tell her? Why? There's a long way around. Me and Laura get divorced. No, we, I don't know what's, I don't know where she's got it from, whether it be from the film, the silver screen or from someone at school. Henry the eighth.

Starting point is 00:49:34 She doing Henry the eighth. She was like, she, she loves a bit of Henry the eighth. She's basically was like, where, what happens if mommies and daddies split up? Where does, what happens? And Laura was like, well, you just have two different homes and tried to spin it. She was like, don't worry, it's never going to happen with me and daddy, but you get two houses and a theme park to yourself. You get two different homes.

Starting point is 00:50:00 You're trying to break his up. She went, so, well, all right. She sort of took that in and she was like, would you not have to pick who you want to live with? And then went, cause I'm going with daddy. So I was sat there. I nearly went, I nearly went, it's a baby. Should the fuck up. This is dangerous ground, man. And also you're not invited. So I went, darling.

Starting point is 00:50:34 And she went and Lauren, no, no, no, that's it's fine. That's fine. It's not going to happen anyway. And then I just saw Laura trying to be like, I'm brushing it off. And she was like, I'm not brushing it off. What did Jack say? I was like, you know, just more of a hype. Jack is in the Budweiser from the late nineties. Jack is not in these conversations. He's not

Starting point is 00:50:54 like, well, my opinion is I would also like to go with daddy. You know, he's literally just walking around going, daddy, that's a Taranisaurus. Daddy, can you get me milk? Daddy, crisps. Taranisaurus, I'm done in the poo. That's why he says I'm done in the poo. Sounds like me. Taranisaurus, he's not going, if your mum and daddy split up, where will I go? Have you got milk in Taranisaurus? Is he from Bradford? I'm raising him Yorkshire Asian.

Starting point is 00:51:30 A lot of people do it differently, but I just specifically. So what, I mean, this is a big high-thouse called you and Laura Strong. If you did break up. Are we? Yeah. Yeah, I think we are. But when she didn't, when she nearly didn't bonk me in the hotel in Nottingham, I went to sleep thinking about divorce. I was like, you woke up and got some pooms. I woke up and I was like, I fucking love her. She smells nice. So what happens if, if that happened

Starting point is 00:51:52 and you know, you're a capable man, you, you would get custody. Would you want her to live with you? Would you want it to be a big shag pad? What? New place. The new gaff. Your mansion. Is that the two options? You can be a good dad, you got your daughter upstairs or fuck her off completely, shag pad. They are the two options. You're a good dad.

Starting point is 00:52:14 As a divorced man. As a divorced man in his 50s. Basically you can have, you know, you've got another home for your kids, they're there after a week or fuck them off, get a load of slags in, Skeletrics, well better. What do you want to do?

Starting point is 00:52:26 Can you not? That sounds so much better. What do you want to do? Tell me that's not class. Skeletrics and slags. By the way, you added Skeletrics in, which means you were thinking about it. How much would you love it if life were like that? It's just some hot girl.

Starting point is 00:52:48 Like, can I just come around and fucking and like, let's play Skeletrix. Wouldn't it be class? Imagine living a world where she was like, all I want is dick and Skeletrix. Would you take Etta? Right, pause. Ben mentioned my door. Would you take at her? Right, pause. Ben mentioned my door. I just feel like I'd say dick and the Skeletrix.

Starting point is 00:53:09 Pause. Beat. Jack goes, I want Mummy. She's got the boobies and the milk. He's not still breastfeeding. He's not breastfeeding. He's four in April. She's got the things I want.

Starting point is 00:53:18 No, no. I want to go with Mummy because she got banging tits. Listen, I haven't, he didn't even breastfeed. He never breastfed. He was bottle fed. You know what? I wasn't even into it like in real time, but they are cracking. That's just a bit overweight in it. But then as I go to rain in the accent, no too far down the rabbit hole. But then as I go, no, I want to go with daddy. Would you go, come on. My big fear is, you live in the same county. Where are you Etta? I saw you on Saturday.

Starting point is 00:53:57 I hope to find each other one day. But Laura would go, want to go back to Nottingham. that would be my big. Because then I'd have to probably, don't know, really don't want to split with my wife. She makes my life well better. Is that because you love her or because you don't want to move to Nottingham? Both. I like Nottingham, just you know.

Starting point is 00:54:17 But would you be a single dad to Etta? No, because I, would you not just, genuinely if Laura, if my, I don't think this will ever happen. It won't happen. And I'm not leaving Laura, because I would you not just genuinely if she, if Laura, if my, I don't think this will ever happen. And I'm not leaving Laura because it's much, it's, you know, expensive, but if she came back and went, I don't love you like that anymore. Like, I thought that was real. But if she, if she went, I love you, but I'm not in love with you. Like I'm young enough that maybe I want that passion. I'd have to go. Oh, okay. That's my little heart. And Jacko got banging. You're not getting tits like this again, brother. A bit more UK garage. I would, I would go right. What are we going to do? And basically Laura

Starting point is 00:55:11 stays in the house, don't she? I have to buy a house. No, I don't think that's how divorce works. Is that what you do? You'd move out. I mean, you are so different. I'd be like, well, divorce is a fuck off then go on. You know where the door is, cunt. And the kids are going with her or? They can make decisions. Take them as well. I can make more of them. Off you go. Don't worry about it.

Starting point is 00:55:36 Yeah, I'm keeping the fucking trampoline. Maybe I want to bounce. Off you fucking go. Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out, lad. I'm getting skeletonics. Already building the way out, lad. Already build. Skeletrics. Already building the skeleton. Immediately.

Starting point is 00:55:48 Just find me some fucking skeleton slags. I think you'd be a good single dad. But I'd just, I'd let them have the house because it's their house in it. And then it's the big, the displacement is me rather than all of us. Would you not move into the garden office? Oh God. it's their house in it. And then it's the big, the displacement is me rather than all of us. Would you not move into the garden office? Oh, well, that's why I know Laura doesn't want anyone staying in the garden office. And we never had a female guest in the garden office because she's like, you cannot put

Starting point is 00:56:18 a girl in there, a woman in there. It's not on. But for all the lads who stay over, I'm like, Laura's like, you just having a mistress. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. the lads who stay over, I'm like, Laura's like, talking about you just having a mistress. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not allowed a girlfriend. I'm like, she's like, no, you can't have people stay in the garden office. I was like, you can, babe. They're nearly all comedians that come and stay. Like it's Mike Rice or Eshan. And if you've been a comic, you've done couches at some point on your way up. You don't start getting hotels for some random gig in Lincolnshire on a Thursday. You're used to staying done couches at some point on your way up. You don't start getting hotels for some random gig

Starting point is 00:56:46 in Lincolnshire on a Thursday. You're used to staying on couches when, this is a couch that feels like a bed in a room at the back of the garden. Don't get distracted. If you need to piss at night, just piss outside in the bush. It's fine.

Starting point is 00:56:59 Like that is, yeah. It's a great cell. She's like, no, yeah, you've stayed in there. It's not a bad place to stay, is it? It's well up from a couch. And to be honest, when you've got two kids, I know it's like- You'd rather be out there, yeah?

Starting point is 00:57:12 Yeah, because- Are you keeping them in the house? So I just, I think I'd buy a house nearby, maybe closer to Chester, cause Sorghum's a bit boring. I wanna go back to the boss, right? Yeah. I know it is too real, but let's just make it hypothetical again for a minute. Hang divorce. Right. Yeah. I know it is too real. Let's just make a hypothetical

Starting point is 00:57:25 again for a minute. Hangover. Right. This has been a lot and it's hangover, Himmler and divorce. That's a lot to deal with. Flying the witch in the wardrobe. Little bit of Nazi Germany, little bit of Skeletrix and slags. That's what we do here. First episode. and slags. That's what we're doing. First episode. So you said before that Laura definitely keeps the house with the kids in, but what if it's her fault? Oh, yeah. What if she says that if she goes, I don't love you anymore. Is that her fault? That's not fault. No, no, that's different. But I mean, what if she wronged you? What if you caught her like having a gangbang with an amateur rugby team? Not even professional. Why is that a dig?

Starting point is 00:58:11 Pros are getting better, fucking. Tail sharks, kids, but they're under 18s, but they're all old age. Oh, so she's doing a paedophile gangbang. She's all of the under 14s. The first 15 of the under 14s. Here's a question. You know if you're a woman in her 30s and you get gang banged by like 15, 15 year olds,

Starting point is 00:58:29 are you still a pedophile? Yeah. Really? Yeah, and an enthusiastic one. Multiple pedophiles as well. Any of the organization you've got. I mean, what is the venue? Where are we doing that?

Starting point is 00:58:41 Garden office. Yeah. That's why I will not let underage rugby teams in the garden office. It's just a policy man. I don't want the temptation for Laura. But then would you kick it out? No. It's my kids house. It's where they... But then stay then?

Starting point is 00:58:55 Why don't you keep the kids? You want them getting borrows up by someone who's having gang names? She's done it on her own time, hasn't she? Like, listen, finish off lads. The kids are in the car. She's scared. She did something that really wronged you. Like, oh, you shag. If she cheats on me...

Starting point is 00:59:13 With someone you know. I'm still... If we separate, I want Etta and Jack to stay in the house that they live in. And I don't want to do that much parenting. So I'll be like, you hurt me, you whore. There's the keys. I'm off. Like I'll just, and I'll stay. You'd be in the pool, wouldn't you? You'd get a fucking seven bedroom flat in Liverpool. So many skillet tricks. Was that from Justin Lee Collins, by the way?

Starting point is 00:59:43 Was it? Yeah, because he was a naughty man and Danny Jones is a naughty man. Oh yeah. Bish bash bash. You're moving to a seven bedroom scale electric palace. Wow. Shall we do, listen, this is a bit maverick but I'm in the mood for it.

Starting point is 01:00:00 Shall we do a speed round of... Patriot special ideas. Room 102 round of room 102s? It's sort of drifted out because of executive orders. It lends itself to that. Okay, Adam, you can have a final judgment on this, whether they're going in room 102. Or are we going to do the vote? No, I want to do it. All right, okay.

Starting point is 01:00:23 Brian O'Hare says, room 102, when websites ask you for your country code before you put your phone number and you have to pick it from a drop down menu and it used to have all the real countries. Easy, Brian. United Kingdom and America on top, but now it has Angola, Antigua and Algeria and you have to scroll down to you. That's right. Brian, they are real countries though, aren't they, Brian? They are real countries, but they're not booking a fucking ticket for the Odeon and the one I have.

Starting point is 01:00:50 It was a.co.uk, put us at the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. You know, it's a UK style. I think you can have that one, Brian. It sounded a bit heavy on the old. If it's one where you can type in you and it gives you that list even better.

Starting point is 01:01:05 But if you've got to scroll that to nine. Yeah. What's really annoying on them is when you scroll down to United Kingdom and it's not there, cause it's like England. Great Britain. Yeah, and you go to England, it's not there. And then sometimes just Britain.

Starting point is 01:01:17 Yeah. Pollocks. Are we giving him in? Can he have that one? Brian, Alistair Rothwell says, all right lads, got a room 101 for you. Those public toilets that have those toilet roll holders that only let you get one square at a time.

Starting point is 01:01:29 Who the fuck can wipe their ass with a singular square? You need to double it up at minimum. Oh, I'm a fucking- Purple! Mate, I'm doing that. Are you a scruncher? I'm scrunching it. Yeah, I'm a scruncher.

Starting point is 01:01:41 I'm a folder. No, cause you need like the folds, the friction. Feel like you just smooth all this shit out. That's what I'm a scruncher. Okay, so you need, you need, no, because you need like to, like to fold the friction. Feel like you just smooth all this shit out. That's what I'm doing. I'm just sanding my arse with poo. You need the ridges to get in there, I think. But yeah, I hate these. Do you fold or scrunch? Er, I'm not a mad scruncher. I'm not a mad scruncher.

Starting point is 01:02:02 We didn't say a word. We were asking about your poo technique. No, I think I might be... Folding? Yeah, I think it might be folding. Uniquely folded. It's a single sheet. Oh my god, that's terrifying. One ply.

Starting point is 01:02:17 How did you fold that scrunch? There we go. In Wigan, we used to just have a dog and the neighbourhood shared it and we would rub our bumholes on the dog. We used to have a dog in the street and a dog would wipe your ass with it. We used a towel in our house. I think I do both, like a bit like a sponge on a stick kind of scenario. Like I'll fold it but I'll fold it quite long so then I can scrunch. So it's a lot of paper, I block a lot of toilets. But like I think that gets more surface area. Yeah. And it's, it's a lot of paper. I block a lot of toilets. I think that gets more surface area. Yeah. And it's also, I've been wrong too many times. I've had thin paper. You go

Starting point is 01:02:50 like that. You finger yourself up the arse. I don't want that. Do you know, honestly, I like it. Like for someone who like has the stomach problems I have, you know, if I get poo anywhere on my person, it's honestly like it's a fucking bomb threat. I panic so much. Yeah, cause you feel like you stink of shit. No, even if it's just like on my finger, like I'm like, oh, like.

Starting point is 01:03:15 You should do. Getting poo on you, isn't it? Have you ever had to do one of those ones where you're wiping and you realize that you've had to wipe like high up your ass? Do you know what I mean? What do you feel like you've had to wipe high up your arse. Do you know what I mean? What do you feel like you've wiped it up your back? Like you've got poo like high, not just on the hole, like up here, like on the coccyx.

Starting point is 01:03:36 Are you shitting on your back, Harry? I think I might be shitting on my back. The fuck are you shitting on your cocks? I thought that was going to be really relatable. What, like poo? This is a speed round and we're talking about Harry wiping his ass. Josh says room 102, restaurants that are walking only. One of my favorite places to eat doesn't take bookings.

Starting point is 01:03:53 It's also very popular. That means if I want to go there on a Friday or Saturday, I either have to eat at 4pm when it's quiet or 8pm when they're sold out of half the menu. Or just time it right so that you get in at six. Um, get there for... Q and zinoin, like... I don't mind a Q, but I do think it should be... It's London, innit? I feel like there's a load of like the walking places. I think walk-ins only works as long as you can book for like six or more. Which is what Castle of Tally did.

Starting point is 01:04:20 Castle of Tally did that, yeah. Olly Peel says, people who wear festival event wristbands for more than one day after they have finished the festival, especially if you still have them like a year later. Yeah, when you like stack them. Why did you look at me? You're the only music festival guy in here.

Starting point is 01:04:37 I don't do it. Yeah, my old husband, Andy had about 20 on and it looked a bit scruffy. He was an indie kid though, so it sort of matched the vibe. I did it at my first festival. You looked like an Indian child. He was an Indian kid, it matched his vibe. My first festival, I did wear it for a couple of months.

Starting point is 01:04:56 What a weird thing to bring up after five years. Six foot four lad from Barnsley, but who also identified as an Indian kid. Who loves music festivals. I had a mate who did it with fruit stickers. Like when he'd finished the piece of fruit, he'd stick it on his finger and he'd keep, on the back of his hand and he'd keep it there for a while.

Starting point is 01:05:15 How long was it a while? We need a little drop for everything special that Harry said like, oh, it's Harry time. Shane McKinney, room 102. Bony food in general. Fish, chicken, etc. Just give me the fillet or goujon and guarantee no bones will be in it.

Starting point is 01:05:33 Finding a bone in meat whilst it's in your mouth is disgusting. Order a fillet or a goujon then? You should never find the bone. You should know what you're eating's got a bone in. Unless it's like a little fish bone, because that is a- I've been unlucky before with a little bit of like gristle. Fish bones aren't nice. But you've had something killed so you can eat it. So just sort of fucking man the fuck up at it.

Starting point is 01:05:56 And also ribs are like one of the best things in the world. Yeah, but you don't eat the rib, do you? Do you? No, but also you wouldn't put it in your mouth and be surprised if it was in your mouth. What a ribs. You've never your mouth. What a ribs. What a ribs. What a ribs.

Starting point is 01:06:07 It's the, is it, there's like a bit of meat on a bone. He's never had. Is it? I genuinely, I think I tried it with you in Nashville. I think you made me have and it was fine. But is it, do they come out and it's like a rack, it's like a rib cage. I know you think I'm being stupid, but I do do down versus food. It's got to be saline. It's got to be ribs. A big rack bastard. I do it right now. Where are we getting them

Starting point is 01:06:32 from? Are we like that? Doesn't he? Yeah, I'll be absolutely fine with that. As long as I don't have to touch the bone. Do you do after you have to eat it off the bone? I used to when I was a kid, my mom used to make stuffed pork ribs. Oh, I'm getting fucking horny. Thinking about your mom. I do that as well. I realize that by just saying that. Pork ribs and she'd get sage and onion stuff and we're moving past it.

Starting point is 01:07:00 Get sage and onion stuff and put it on like the all over the ribs and then she'd roll it put it in the oven and roast them And I would eat all of them and then put salt and pepper on all the bones and suck them dry Hmm Two veggies and a done Sorry, I'm a done I don't eat things and then go out and join a conga. What a fucking childhood. Chris M. All right, lads, room 102 for your fashion influence who refer to clothes. Did he have a stroke that overnight? Put spaces in your words though.

Starting point is 01:07:41 Talking and cursing. Has this been a good episode? I feel like it's been good, but I'm having a weird time. Sometimes I feel very vulnerable today. I feel, you know, don't be mean to me. I'll change it up. I'll change how I read up. Ready? That was a shit one anyway. Thank God the person he's voting in won't recognise his own name. Trish M. Alex Holt says, Room 102, people who check in to the hospital on Facebook for attention. I mean, yeah Alex, but just Facebook in general can get in the bin, can't it?

Starting point is 01:08:18 I'd Room 102 Facebook now. Like it's fucking pointless. I haven't clicked on Facebook for months, months, months, months. I check it every day. It's good for birthdays. Is it still in, months, months. I check it every day. It's good for birthdays. Is it still in your routine, yeah? I check it every day, not every time I check my phone. I check it in the morning to see what I said

Starting point is 01:08:33 seven years ago that needs deleting. Yeah, yeah. It's every day. Chris still says, room 102, schools declining to you, declining you taking your kids out of school for a holiday and giving you a fine for it. It's my child, we've been declined because we want to take our kids out of school for a holiday and giving you a fine for it. It's my child, we've been declined because we want to take our child out of school

Starting point is 01:08:49 for a few days for our wedding. When we confronted the head teacher about it, him declining, he said you should have gotten married in the six weeks holidays. Or on a weekend. Yeah. I'm tending to agree with this. Like leaving kids, if taking kids out of school

Starting point is 01:09:04 for like two weeks, I're going to all be like. What are you talking about? Are you on the side of the school? Yeah. What age are we talking? I don't care what age. Primary school? Yeah, like.

Starting point is 01:09:14 I mean, you shouldn't be taking off two weeks in the February of year 11, maybe. I'm saying, don't like take your kids off. Like they're going to fall behind and that goes on teachers and it fucks everything up. Now, utter bollocks of the highest order. If you want to take your kid on holiday it's nothing to do with the school. My kid's going on holiday with me, end of conversation. It is. It is the law. Fuck the law. It's absolute bollocks. It's the parent of the child gets to decide what happens with the child.

Starting point is 01:09:48 The government and the school don't own or control the child at all. They're there to teach them when the kid is there. That's it. Yeah, but they have to go to school, don't they? Yeah, but I also think that's bollocks. All right, so homeschool them for two weeks. Off we pop.

Starting point is 01:10:02 We're homeschooling in Caulfield. I'm with Adam kind of because you don't, I don't remember lessons from year five, but I remember my holiday. It doesn't work like that. That's what education is. It is. It's also not that important. None of it, none of school is that important. None of it. There isn't a single two week period of school that's that important apart from like exam build up. That's it. Isn't the whole school year exam build up though? Why? Because then you're missing two weeks worth of exam stuff that you can no longer do. Oh there's times when it's a bad but like Etta's in year three or whatever you're like.

Starting point is 01:10:38 I can't believe you're on a little gimp with this you know. I don't know what you think. I hope your kid gets a really like hard on stringent headmaster. I'll punch his head in. It'll be great. Sorry Adam, you punched me in and you can go on. You've bested me in battle. Take your kid out for four weeks, you deserve it. And I bet you've got a massive cock.

Starting point is 01:11:00 You and Adam. There's no teacher telling me I can't take me kid on all these. And also, also, the other thing where it is, some of all of these to take your kids away is like four extra price and not everyone can afford to do that. I'm not disagreeing with it. I'm just saying. You are? No, that's just tough shit and they don't have kids then. No, that's autoball. That is don't have kids then. No, that's also bollocks. That is the most Tory right-wing sentiment of all time. I just think taking your kids out of school for two weeks is a bit irresponsible.

Starting point is 01:11:32 Yeah. No, it's absolute bollocks. It's my kid. You can suck my dick. Not a kid. I just think taking your kid out of school for two weeks is irresponsible. It's not. No, no holidays is important as education. What about all holidays are more important than kid out of school for two weeks is irresponsible. It's not. No holidays is as important as education.

Starting point is 01:11:45 What about all holidays are more important than any bit of school? I can't agree with that. There is not a single two week period of school that is more important than the memories that you get from going on a family holiday as a kid. Also the last week of the summer term, if that's the one you take off, could they do it for course? That's okay. I'm talking about like a two week in the middle of school. That's just

Starting point is 01:12:05 wrong. It is. There's a reason why it's wrong. There's a reason why you're not allowed to do the last two weeks of September seems a bit wild on it. I give you if the kids start school you have two weeks and then he's going on a living. That would be a bit of a mad be weird. And I wouldn't do that. But if I got to February and wants to take me kids to Aspen or something, then I'm taking my kids to Aspen. There's a half term in February. That's what this guy probably wanted to do. And it will be more expensive to take them then.

Starting point is 01:12:31 You're going to Aspen? Yeah. It's not... First of all, me and my hypotensive are going to knock on to Aspen. It was a joke. The serious bit is most people do this to avoid the cost of holidays in the half term breaks. Aspen half term. Mad. Like people pay the fine don't they because it's less than it had cost to take the kid in. And the fine. I would go to court, I'd go to prison before I paid it.

Starting point is 01:12:56 I don't understand the fine, I don't understand that because where does that money go? That's bollocks. But I think them enforcing going you can't take your child out unless like you fight for it, yeah but you can't go yeah go on. That's not right. I think it is. I went out of school and missed the lesson about like the menstruation cycle in science and I still am not too confident about what periods are. So it does stay with you. It doesn't stay with you. That's the point. The fuck? Jesus Christ. and then shave my pubes. You said that like this at the end of the house. Now do me. Yeah. And we use the Lawn Mower 5.0 Ultra. Yes. Which is one of the best pubeshavers in the game.

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Starting point is 01:16:06 I just like them. Make my job easier you know. Oh absolutely. Love honey. It's like a brush for a painteress. Here we are. Ow! Ow we're back. And Jack Skip is here. Thanks for coming in lads. It's alright, it's alright. We've never gigged together have we?

Starting point is 01:16:28 No. I do feel like I can't possibly go for a shite without seeing your face though. You're in so many videos and so many like pages repost your videos as well that when I'm scrolling having a poo, every time I poo I see you. You've always said that to me. Before the videos, they've always said that. Instagram loves you. Yeah, I have no awareness of it though. I mean, I don't know, like you don't know.

Starting point is 01:16:54 I don't know. I feel like the last three or four years, you've like, you're in the algorithm, mate. Yeah. It's good stuff as well. Cheers. Cheers. Dead, funny.

Starting point is 01:17:04 And how long have you been in stand up? About three and a half years. So I think you are one of the... So you started doing the online stuff and then started stand up. So do you want to know the backstory? Yeah. So, right, I wanted to do stand up, like videos weren't a thing. It took me like my whole adult life.

Starting point is 01:17:22 I was just too scared to do it. And I was like, I did it like in every little comedy courses. And I thought like, first you're going to do it. Then pandemic happened. I mean, I was like, why me? Global pandemic. But then I just literally, I just like, I used to like send my mates videos and like the WhatsApp groups and that. And one of my mates said, I'll put it on TikTok. And I didn't know, all right, I'll just download TikTok. I did a couple and I just forgot about it. I was like, and I picked up my phone a few days later

Starting point is 01:17:52 and I had all these notifications. I didn't know what had happened. And there's like one video just went off and I was like, I just had nothing else to do. But the thing is the whole time, all I've ever wanted to do was like, do stand up. Like the video, it's not like, so while the videos are going off, I'm still like, I want to start a standup. I want to do standup. I think you can tell that in you though, because I've seen some of your standup clips as well. And I think a lot of people now, and especially the way our industry's going

Starting point is 01:18:19 generally, people start doing little videos and then they blow up and then they go, oh, I'm gonna go and do a standup tour. And they get like a four or five day tour, gets canceled because audiences come and go, what the fuck is he doing here? I've got a promoter mate in Leeds who's like, the worst shows we get are the blown up on TikTok and then a promoter's gone, there's money to be made here,

Starting point is 01:18:40 but they haven't done the thing. But I heard with you that you were like, now I'm gonna do this properly. Aren't you doing loads of gigs at, is it outside the box in Kingston? Is it- Yeah, I'll do that. I'll do all previews there. But even like when, even so when I actually got to start stand up, I had like a decent following and someone told me early on, like, like it doesn't mean if they come and see you, if you invite your followers, they see you and your shit, they ain't coming back. I made a point of like doing the open mic circuit, going to bed is like four people in a

Starting point is 01:19:08 pub. No one knows who you are. Cause I think as well, as soon as you stand up there, like, don't matter how many followers you got. No, it means fuck all when you've got to do it. It means nothing. Do you know what I mean? A little bit of leeway, but that leeway doesn't last more than three or four minutes. If anything, I reckon it might go the other way. Where they're like, come on in, fucking Mr. Instagram. Especially if you're, and I hope you don't mind me saying, you're a good looking lad. And I imagine you've got some girls following you who have brought their fella along. They are the hardest. Female fans who bring their boyfriend.

Starting point is 01:19:41 The boyfriends, they are so much harder to make laugh than when the lad brings his missus. A fellow who's like a fan of mine or the pod who's like comes along and he's like, Oh, I got me a missus with me. They normally end up just getting involved with it and liking it. But if you've got a fan who's a girl who might, you know, sort of deep down want to fuck you as well. Like my fancy in a bit like, Oh, he's been, he's been handsome. You know what women are like. He's a bitchy. Those men, the plus one men are the worst. Yeah, you've got to have your chops.

Starting point is 01:20:16 Fuck you because you're funny. I don't know if the blokes buy the tickets though. It's usually the... Yeah, drag along. Yeah, yeah. They just, yeah, I don't think blokes ever go come and see this. I think they do it more with their mates maybe Maybe. I don't think we see the take your missus. Would you? Oh, we get a lot of couples at our shows and she buys the tickets though.

Starting point is 01:20:32 I don't know. You know, I think the guy, I think there's a, I know, I know what Jack means. I think that men go to stop. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I think a lot of the time like we're going to go here. I've bought this. Sean does it now in the standoff. Not to spoil it, but I'm not a ticket buyer in my relationship. She's the ticket buyer. Yeah. Oh, I'll go to that. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:50 Like I don't go, do you want to go to this? Very rare. You're not the organizer at all really, are you? In any capacity. No. Things have to be organized for you. Whereas for me, I'm either the organizer or I'm doing fucking nothing.

Starting point is 01:21:02 You're not delegating to me son. That's not happening. I'm either running the show You're not delegating to me, son. That's not happening. I'm either running the show or just tell me where to be. Are you the one who starts the, like the stag do WhatsApp group? Yeah, and I'll have to do that soon. Yeah, Carl's got a stag coming off. What are you thinking?

Starting point is 01:21:18 We were gonna have it abroad, but then the wedding's abroad and that's a bit much in it to ask of some people. Being like come to Italy for three days and then also spend money on a stag and I realized that recently so it's going to be a home one. It's going to be in the UK but it's going to be the gimpiest wallast, terrible shit head stuff. Everything tacky you can think of a stag do.

Starting point is 01:21:40 I never wanted that and then I was like you you know what, I'll just embrace it and do it. Yeah. So I'm probably gonna get fucking. He's gonna be in a fucking Fernando Tardes top from 2006 and a 2-2 and footy boots. I don't think he's coming to his own stag do. We're gonna have a class day though. Yeah, really. Are you getting a proper tag? That's the thing is people don't like, like, I mean, when I went on stag do a couple of years ago, we got, we usually got our beef or something like

Starting point is 01:22:04 that and then people were suggesting like, Mykonos and it's much more classy. I'm like, we're handcuffing the Stag to an umpa-lumpa. I don't think. Just a bit of self-awareness. You don't need to go to fucking somewhere fancy like Saint Tropez or. Yeah, no, no, no. What's wrong with Benidorm for a couple of months? Oh mate, that's what it's all about. Stag, yeah. Saint Tropez, Stag would be sick. Like, and you could come. Santra pay or nothing wrong with Benidorm for a couple of months.

Starting point is 01:22:27 Santra pay, stag would be sick. Like, and you could come. You wouldn't want to go on a relaxing holidays of Benidorm, would you? No, I think if you're going to be a stag, go to the right place. Yeah, you know, I thought Newcastle was on the cards. It might be. Finn said that Newcastle might be, you've got to then play the game and do the stag thing. And also Newcastle wants you there.

Starting point is 01:22:48 They've got it set up. Don't go somewhere that's like not arsed. Like a stag do in London. What the fuck? It's hard work. Hollywood bowl on Edgeley. Johnny Bongo playing tunes in the corner. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 01:23:00 Slush isn't there? Yeah, we've been doing a gig where there's like a stag do in. There's like sort of like four of them just sitting in the front row and you think your mates are crap. This is the best they could do for you. Most don't want to be there. Dan Stag do, he went to a comedy club as a punter by choice. No, my best mate Stag do that I organized, he said to me, I am, we're going to comedy. So, and

Starting point is 01:23:27 I tried to talk him out of it. I was like, this is really, and we were going to do Bristol, but there was only the junglers there. And I was like, I'm not buying a ticket to a fucking junglers. So we ended up in Bath and it was, it was decent. It was weird. It's your job though, isn't it? Is it just that junglers was too expensive? No, it's just jungles was jungles. You're earning more now though. Come on, there we go. And he didn't even clock it either.

Starting point is 01:24:00 Take the pitch Jack. I'm just like, yeah, no. Fucking... Ah! Ah! Take the picture, Jack. Snag Doos don't want to be here. Comedy is usually two lads who go, we love comedy, we'll book it, and then lads go... Hey, they can be fucking great. They can be great. I've kicked so many out of Hot Water,

Starting point is 01:24:17 and they go, well, ass, lad, don't want to be here. Still, the worst thing you can have at a comedy club is a group of female teachers. Sorry to see you miss this and that, but, like, they're all cunts at comedy clubs. I know what it is. All week they're talking to a room full of people. It won't shut up and won't do what they're told. And then they come to my fucking job and they're like, right, my 10. Cause I remind them of the little cunts in their class. So they act like nob beds. That's literally it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:24:42 Yeah, it is. They run the hours flipped and they're not laughing. Yeah. No, we want to. Adam's thrown a statement out and everyone's just gone. I mean, he's gone with a harsh end of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. As usual, but it's, it's, he's right. That is a rough demographic when you're like, Oh, there's a massive group of teachers. And you're like, Oh God, because they're used to running the show. Aren't they? I won them once the other week and there's one day once where they were just like talking amongst themselves. But you know what? I was so unaware because I thought personally, I thought they were disrupting the whole room. Yeah. But they weren't. It was just around that little section. And I just broke, you know, you sort of break character a little

Starting point is 01:25:19 bit and you're not funny. And it was a bit like, you shut the fuck up. And it caused that real funny and it was a bit like, you just shut the fuck up and it caused that real... It looks like I'm just being out of order, just telling something because the back of the room don't know what's going on. Oh yeah bollocking someone and the rest of the room aren't annoyed by them. Yeah. Looks like you've just paused out of nowhere and gone, fucking shut up. It's eggy. Do you know, and forgive me for giving you any advice, but what I would say is in a situation like that, what I always do is, something Alfie Brown said to me ages ago about a comedy audiences,

Starting point is 01:25:53 they're not allowed to know anything you don't know. Do you know what I mean? Like the audience aren't allowed, like if your fly's undone and you don't know, the audience is sort of above you. So you can walk on and go, me flyers are undone and I'm not arsed and everything's fine.

Starting point is 01:26:08 But if they know anything about you or about anything going on and you don't know it, and it can happen within your standup as well. It's like, if you're an arrogant bellend and you go, oh, I'm such an arrogant bellend, you can be an arrogant bellend. But if you just be an arrogant bellend and you're so unaware of it,

Starting point is 01:26:25 an audience won't let you get away with it. And with something like that, you just have to say, hey guys, there's a famous show if you're distracting people around you. I know the people at the back might not be able to hear what's going on, but I can see people around you and like wound up. That's how you do, you deal with that.

Starting point is 01:26:41 Because that means the people at the back go, oh yeah, we couldn't hear it, but it must be really awful up there. But it means you can address it. Yeah, that means retrospectively, I would have done that. So shut the fuck up. I had a career first the other week where someone was translating Italian to their friend in the front row. A few jokes.

Starting point is 01:27:01 She was like, oh, like the compare was like, what's going on? And she was like, oh, she's Italian. I'm translating everything. Was she laughing? No. She don't go. Just the weirdest, like you don't want to, it was a really nice friendly room, but you can't be like, you want to go. This isn't the right spot for you to be translating, is it? Maybe at the back, but not, not at the front. And then I heard the girl who is

Starting point is 01:27:29 Italian speaking back. You're like, well, that's not translating. That's you just chatting in Italian. Yeah. Which you know, yeah, I did it. You have like a really, you were going to do an Italian. What if she was given a heckle to hell, you know, tell him he's a fuck. And then Italian, that's how they speak Italian. They're just English with a bit of giving it a heckle to hell you know tell me the fuck guns yeah but in Italian oh that's how they speak Italian they're just sorry jack go on if you've done it in like a really like european audience though my stuff i think i've got really like british references yeah yeah yeah i mean so i don't know i can't i don't think i'm going anywhere else like you'd be surprised though because when you go I mean, so I don't know, I can't, I don't think I'm going anywhere else.

Starting point is 01:28:06 You'd be surprised though, cause when you go, Europe's a bit different, but if you go to like the middle East, everyone out there is British. That comes to the comedy show, not everywhere, but like in Europe, yeah, you are playing to locals a lot of the time and they're sort of listening to a language they know well, but it is still a second language. So everything you say, they have to translate into their own language in their head first. I remember going to New Zealand and I hadn't thought about it, but the amount of like, even, I know I didn't have a bit about Flora,

Starting point is 01:28:32 but if you mentioned like Flora or like a brand or like, if you just say Morris, if Morrison's is in your bit, they're like, I have no idea what the fuck you mean. And then do you then replace it with one of their supermarkets, which just sounds a bit wank. Yeah, but if the words are not funny, or something, I mean, if you replace it for something,

Starting point is 01:28:50 it just doesn't sound right, does it? There's a rhythm to it. Just contextualize it. I was shopping at Morrison's, which is a supermarket we have back home. That's all it takes. I know, but I know. Give me some advice here, will you? He's a listen.

Starting point is 01:29:00 By the way, I know everything about something. He's the guru, mate. Ha ha ha. You should see my mar. He's the guru mate. You should see my margarine bit. Fucking unbelievable. Did you have a margarine bit? Yeah it's massive. No I didn't. You could though. Is that a dig? Yeah. You seem like the guy who could have a really like six out of ten bit about margarie. I didn't say six out of ten. Seven. I don't think you're that good.

Starting point is 01:29:30 It was another digs upon digs. Are you mainly gigging in London or are you coming up up fucking north? We're just going on tour then. I'm going up fucking north. Manchester. That's the north. Around that sort of area. Leeds, Newcastle, Glasgow, that's well north. Yeah, just around that sort of area. Leeds, New

Starting point is 01:29:45 Castle. Glasgow, that's well north. So you're going on tour in May. Yeah. Tickets at jackskipper.com. Yes, yes. You're excited about it. Is this the first, is this the first? It's the first proper tour, yeah. But I did like a Jack Skipper and Friends type thing just because I didn't have an hour to do. So I just. That's smart. I like that though. That's how it should be done because you're learning how to do stand So I just. That's smart. I like that though. That's how it should be done. Because you're learning how to do standup whilst also having this massive fan base. So you should earn a bit of money from it

Starting point is 01:30:09 by doing the I'm friends, but trying to do an hour when you haven't got the. It's a lengthy talk as well. Some dates over there. Yeah man, yeah. It's a bit of a secret, adding dates. It's going well. What's the plan?

Starting point is 01:30:18 Is it just you? Have you got a support act that's gonna do all the shows? Kind of different support acts, yeah. Right. But do you know what? It's mad when you're like, I always feel it even like coming here today where you do go to like different parts of the UK. Like I always feel like how does things translate? Do you know what I mean? Did you ever think about that?

Starting point is 01:30:32 I reckon we speak pretty good English enough. Yeah. But do you know what I mean though? Like I honestly think like, cause you're like, I don't know, cause I was thinking this about like, would you like, I don't know, would you call me, would you consider me a cockney? Yeah. Right. Right. But like, not really. I'm not like East, I'm not South London. So it's like, you got to be. Yeah. You are a lot the same to me. But it's that thing of like, genuinely everything South of Northampton in my head is sort of cockney. But is there a figure

Starting point is 01:31:01 from someone like me comes to North, is there a... Yeah. Instantly before... You mean like... A look at you when you look Cockney? But what I mean is, is there like a... Not prejudice, but like a maybe a little bit of... No, honestly we don't think about yous. We don't though, do we? But you know what I mean though? I never go to him, fuck the soldiers. No, like I have no sort of like idea of what... I don't know what I think about on stage. I never go to him, fuck the soldiers. I have no sort of idea of what, I don't know what I think about Cockneys. I've never been taught.

Starting point is 01:31:28 Manchester is the only people who come to Liverpool who have an initial like, oh, you man, prick. And they have to get over that. And if they're funny enough, they can do that in the right way. And Scousers get that in Manchester. But if you were really posh. Yeah, if you're London, like, hello.

Starting point is 01:31:43 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you might get, but that's not because you're Southern, it's because you're posh. Yeah, if you're London like, hello. Oh really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then you might get, but that's not because you're southern, it's because you're posh. I think being from London, sounding posh, playing Glasgow, I think you might have a slight uphill battle there initially. But that's the beautiful thing about stand-up, isn't it? If you're funny, it'll work. I suppose, yeah.

Starting point is 01:32:04 Some players like, I mean, like I sound like I've grown up with fuck all. Let him off. I mean, like, and I did grow up with fuck all. So just like... Well, you name me a tall as skint, isn't it? Yeah, there you go. There you go. But originally it was a thing where it was like, I had this thing where I was, when I started blow up a social media, I was getting like recognized quite a lot. But then like, the other thing is like rich and famous, isn't it? I was sort of started blow up a social media, I was getting like recognized quite a lot. But then like the only thing is like rich and famous in it. I was skin and famous. That's a scale. That's a scale. That's a scale. That's a scale. That's a scale. That's a scale.

Starting point is 01:32:37 That's a scale. That's a scale. That's a scale. That's a scale. That's a scale. That's a scale. That's a scale. That's a scale. That's a scale. That's a scale. haven't seen it. It's not mad. After we were talking about it in the first half, he was in a scalex canvas. On the telly? No. What was it on? TikTok. Oh, right. Okay. Did you get a free skilletrix? Yeah. It's sort of Christmas out. My mom loved it. I know like this. I'm going to have to get a scalex, because you know. It's hard though, isn't it? You just want to go whee! It's fine, it is good. That's the thing with doing that, ads and stuff. I know it's this thing on social media, right?

Starting point is 01:33:12 People, they don't like you doing ads. They get really angry with it. What, you get like snidey comments being like fucking sold out of you lads of big scaletricks! Oh mate, I actually don't get it though. I don't understand the thing of like, cause it's, like say you're watching a film and you've got to watch the others. That's a bit annoying on the telly, but when you're literally scrolling past anyway, you ain't got to watch

Starting point is 01:33:30 it, let alone take time out and comment. Don't worry about it. I think people just don't like all the people having nice things. It's literally that. And it's men. Bullshit, I did this thing where like the classic one is like, oh, you sell out. Oh, making money, are we? Yeah, I've got him. I'm unfollowing you because it's like, but if you're not a fan of the corporate world,

Starting point is 01:33:49 get off fucking Instagram. Do you know what I mean? It's like, why not? There was a guy, ages, I don't know if you remember this, but with our Patreon, they get early access to the public episode, but it's only the YouTube version because of a million different reasons

Starting point is 01:34:03 that we've explained a load of times. But because of that, we have our ads baked in to the YouTube episode. So when the early access goes out on Patreon, it's just this early. It's just the early release of the episode that is gonna just be flick the switch to make live and public on the Monday.

Starting point is 01:34:21 And someone commented on was like, Laj, you just need to put a separate YouTube video for the Patreon Early Access, I'm paying for this. I shouldn't have to watch adverts in the middle of it. I said, well, first of all, just fucking skip 60 seconds because that's how long they all are contractually. And you'll be at the next bit. And also this is not what you're paying for.

Starting point is 01:34:40 This is just a bonus early access thing. There's no adverts on the actual Patreon episodes 99.9% of the time, unless it's like a sponsored episode or something like that. But he was like, whingeing, oh, I've got to listen to 60 seconds of you talking about razors. It's usually funny as well. Yeah. If they don't like it though, it's like a real... It is. I don't want you to have a nicer thing than me. I want you to do not only you get all this money for Scale Electric, people just get jealous. It's a jealous. It's right though. You can just go, no, I think you reckon they'll ever get to the point

Starting point is 01:35:10 where you can't skip past the advert. There is that. Have you seen 1 million minutes on black mirror on Instagram? No, I've not seen it. No, but like YouTube, you have to watch the advert. Don't you? Yeah. But could you imagine if Instagram were like, oh no, this is not one you have to watch the whole thing. Amazon, Amazon, Amazon Prime now have adverts that you can't skip past and I've never felt more annoyed in my life. It's the weirdest thing we like for fuck's sake. I'm like, you're not making me watch an advert. Yeah. I seen something the other day, I read an article the other day about how everything's got worse. Like in the nineties there was telly and there was adverts on it and we were

Starting point is 01:35:49 fine with it, but we weren't really paying for it apart from like, yeah, I'm just having some snake promo code for sneak. I don't go anymore. There was adverts on the telly, but we weren't paying for it. Certainly not terrestrial telly. And then it was what, like 30 quid a month or whatever for Sky, but that was it. And then streaming services come along and we're like, Hey, why don't you just come and pay nine quid a month to us? No adverts. You can watch whatever you want, completely uninterrupted. And now they've got complete market control.

Starting point is 01:36:17 Now they're putting adverts on the streaming services, but we now have to pay for Netflix, Disney, Amazon, Paramount, TNT, Discovery Plus for the fucking TNT spot. You pay more for no ads. So what they do is they go, you can have it for this price, but there's a vert, you can have it for this price, with no advert. They suck you in and go,

Starting point is 01:36:38 now you've gotta pay for no advert, which is fucking horrible. Roger, the mentality though of just going in and being that pissed off about it, you've got to stop, comment. Yeah, that's weird. But also, do you know what people they can't work out? I've realized this.

Starting point is 01:36:51 I get like regulars, regular, you know, like the sort of trolls that are like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, well, they're so dumb that they're just going to start, they're seeing more of it. The more they interact with it, they are stupid, but they're happy to see more of it. Cause what they want is something to hate. These troll people who live on the internet and just want to be cunts all the time. They, they, they probably follow you. They follow you so they can hate you. And I'll be honest

Starting point is 01:37:19 with you. I'm not above it. There's a few comedians I follow. I think I can't, and I follow them. Just like and screenshot their tweets and send them to me. Of course do that. I had to put it in the comments though. I'm helping you. Them comments. Yeah, I'll leave them in there. Yeah, you win. There's anyone that gets filtered and I think, no, I'll put them in. Chuck them in.

Starting point is 01:37:36 Let's have a chat about it. You know what I mean? I just think honestly, I've even found this, right? Because I've been doing it for four years or whatever, posting videos. I swear to you, trolls've even found this right, because I've been doing it for four years, whatever, posting videos. I swear to you, trolls are worse on a Sunday. And I honestly think hungover, come down, they're just angry in their bed, wanky, they're like... Hungover, come down, Arsenal fan on a Sunday. That's what it is. That's exactly is. Exactly what it is, honestly. After they've lost a palace,

Starting point is 01:38:07 they found out you're a palace fan. You're like, you're not even funny. Stop doing these videos. And also there's another thing. People get used to you. Like they used to be doing a thing where I'm like doing it to the camera, doing these sketches, whatever.

Starting point is 01:38:18 Soon as I put a bit of stand up up, fucking the height. And I've got a theory on this as well. Cause you know, public speaking is like the number one fear in it. So like stand comedy is like, you've got to be funny as well. So it's the hardest thing you can imagine doing. So the harder the thing is, the more they got to knock you down. Yeah. I mean, it's like, it's like, I know I'm saying things like mad things like, Oh, that didn't like, or, you know, that didn't go down well. You can hear an audience, like loving it. Yeah. They're just trying to like...

Starting point is 01:38:46 You've changed what you're doing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, oh, you do this. I also do this. Like, wow, it's not what I'm following. Are you having to now sort of, if you have an idea, are you holding some stuff back for standup? Or are you like, are you just deciding what an idea... Because basically it's a similar thing, isn't it? Yeah. But I think there's, yeah, I think I've got two parts of the brain to go, that's a stand-up bit. That's a... The thing is with it, right? Say like,

Starting point is 01:39:12 relatability is the comedy, relatable content, whatever it is, right? The thing is online is... So stand-up, you've got to make the observation and then explain it, build a world, you know, all that sort of stuff. With online, it's like, you just go explain it, build a world, you know, all that sort of stuff. With online, it's like you just go, it's just a direct, people do this. And you don't even have to, like, really, you don't even have to make jokes. You could just go, there's some content anywhere, it's like a list of things. This is what people do. This is what dad does at Christmas. Do you know what I mean? It's like a list of things and people just lap it up. Like, and it can be more niche, can't it? Cause if you're playing to a comedy club,

Starting point is 01:39:49 you've got to get 200 and 300 people on board. It's got to be more generalized with like when you're watching the online stuff, it can be more like that. I get a lot of like parents and stuff that is probably not that interesting to other people because my algorithms work me out. And the performer is just playing to that niche audience going, if you get this, you'll like it. Whereas on a comedy club stage, you can't lose half the crowd because they don't get the reference. And the best thing is about live comedy is that you know instantly what that reaction is. You know if it's 300 people groaning, laughing, whatever, online, you're saying it'd go viral, but as we said, it could be going viral because in the comments people

Starting point is 01:40:28 are going, what a prick. You don't know what... You've never had that before. Do you post something going, like you know when you write a new bit, you're like, I'm sure this is going to be good. Do you post something going, I don't know if this is going to land or is it every... Or do you post something going, this is going to fly? Sometimes, you know, if you catch something, it's like maybe like a timing thing like there's something that's going on in the world and you're like I've got something on this and I think this

Starting point is 01:40:51 is going to land but the thing is the work it's that thing of I mean even now no matter how long I've been doing it it's still a little bit of a feeling when you think it's going to land and it doesn't it's a bit like bombing it's a bit like yeah but one thing is though if it's't, it's a bit a lot of bombing. It's a bit like, but one thing is though, if it's shit, no one's going to see it because the algorithm ain't going to pick it up. But the bit is I've let it to be ages to learn this though. Cause like, you know, sometimes I say, saying doesn't land, you put a bit of effort into it and you can sometimes like, you can, that can, you can carry that around with you for the day. You think, oh, that didn't, that didn't work. Like, I mean, like kids are like, daddy's pissed off. That's what you kids sound like they'd struggle on stage in Liverpool. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:41:29 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's so pissed off. But rely on the numbers for like that dopamine still. What's that? Like juice. Does that make or break your day then? No, but it's what I've learned because I learned that, you know, what's even worse than that ruin my day. If I have a good, do a good video and I'm in a good mood. So that's, oh yeah. Everyone likes daddy's video. So let's go to the park. That is like the worst.

Starting point is 01:41:58 Daddy's happy. He's going viral. The thing with me and I hope you don't take this the wrong way because I know you're a fan of stand-up and you know that's what you've always wanted to do yourself. I'm a proper stand-up purist and I think it's the best thing in the world. I think stand-up is the best form of art. It's the best way to convey ideas in a funny way. I think it's better than any comedy film. I think it's better than sketches. I think it's the best thing that you can possibly do with humor is standup comedy.

Starting point is 01:42:26 And I love how intricate and interesting it can be. And what I do find now, sometimes I'll have an idea for a bit and I'll end up working on it for a year. And I put the standup clip out and that clip will get, you know, let's say 50,000 views. And then someone else will do the same idea as a two camera holding the phone, really short hand version of the same sort of idea.

Starting point is 01:42:53 And because it's like more simplistic, it's millions of views. And it's not even like it's someone who's got like loads more followers than me. And it's not even just me as well. Like I see some standups put a clip out and it doesn't do that well, even though it's great. Because people aren't watching it

Starting point is 01:43:10 as much as they're watching the to camera stuff. I'm like, people should really, really, really care more about standup. But honestly, I'm a hundred percent on your side. That's the thing. Cause I mean, that's the thing. The videos was a happy accident. I grew up in the 90s, right?

Starting point is 01:43:23 Thinking like having like, you know, Lee Evans videos. And like, and to me, that's the thing. The videos was a happy accident. I grew up in the 90s, right? Thinking like having like, you know, Lee Evans videos and like, and to me that's what I started. So me aspiring to be a comedian, that's all I've ever wanted to do. I'm not, I'm not ever wanted to be a tick tocker. It's not what I'm trying to do here. So like even now, like the tour, me doing this show, you know, taking it to Edinburgh and doing all that and like actually being a standup and, and I would never like go and do a stand up tour that I thought was no good. I wouldn't do it but I'm completely on your side. But that's the thing. You've got to observe the algorithm. You've got to do it. I was saying it just before like sometimes you'll do like, so it's like you want to create, there's a video you want to create but no one's going to see it

Starting point is 01:44:03 because you're not getting their attention in the first two seconds. You're making it easily digestible. So it's like you're so-so- Have you studied that? Have you studied the algorithm and what it wants at the minute? Do you keep up with it to- Not so much, not as much as other, like I think people know, people know it inside out, like in like proper.

Starting point is 01:44:20 I mean, that's why I was surprised, like you guys saying that I come up on your phone a lot, because in my head, like I see people who are like proper, like mental numbers. You know what I mean? And it's like... I don't know... Like to do... You can't do what you want, basically. You can't do exactly what you want, but with stand-up you can. You can create this thing that you want, but with online, I don't know, I don't say it, it served me well, do you know what I mean? But it's, you've got to live, you've got to be within these... I still think you've got to do that sometimes with stand-up as well. But you have ideas where you're like, I really like this and then it doesn't quite work. You are, you have

Starting point is 01:44:59 to still get it past the audience. So all comics have had notes in their notebook, ideas that they've really liked and for whatever reason they've not been able to like make still get it past the audience. So all comics have had notes in their notebook ideas that they've really liked and for whatever reason they've not been able to like make it work on stage or it's never quite got what you thought it should. I think that I reckon I think we stand this always away. I think if you find something funny someone else is saying, you're saying bring back the margarine bit. It's back. I've been working on for seven years about how it shouldn't count as cheating. If your partner won't do what you do with whoever you cheat with. Like if your girlfriend refuses to let you bum her and you just go and bum someone else,

Starting point is 01:45:37 you haven't cheesed on her. I can see why that's not working. No, I like it. I mean, this is that tension in the room though. Do you know what I think it is? I think everyone in the room has been chees or has cheated on someone. Like everyone in the room has been affected by it. And it's like when you bring up cancer, you bring up AIDS and no one's asked. You bring up cancer. Everyone's like, oh, no one's asked. No one's asked if you bring AIDS up.

Starting point is 01:46:00 People who've got it are like AIDS is funny. Because cancer is a buzzword isn't it? Yeah, because everyone's got it or had it or knows someone. It's one in three people. And also the AIDS community, they are well known for being a good laugh. Two in three would be unnecessary. Two in three have AIDS. One in two people gets affected by cancer. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:46:26 Fun, fun jokes. Nice little chin wag there. 1930s Nazi Germany in the first half. Oh, it's been a smorgasbord. We'll be back right after this advert. Hello everyone. Time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor. It's manual!

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Starting point is 01:47:57 45% off? That's a big discount. Oh mate, can't wait. I'm going up to the next level. I will let you know how it goes. Get on the TRT with Manuel. I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling. Winning in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. play responsibly. Do people do your accents at you? Like who? Like people?

Starting point is 01:48:53 Like us? Oh no, yeah. On this part already. Oh yeah, yeah. Because obviously Scouse getting a lot. I can't talk to Mike Rice without just doing a bit. Oh yeah, it's all. Oh yeah, Mike your eyes then.

Starting point is 01:49:03 Is that acceptable anywhere at UK Ireland to do it back to each other? Is there anywhere you can't do it back to them, do you reckon? Well, we were in India in November, and that felt a little- That's not a UK Ireland though. No, I did do it out there, because over there, we're the minority, so it's allowed.

Starting point is 01:49:18 Oh, yeah. The head wobble felt pretty much. They were all doing it. Shall we do some executive orders? I'd love to do some executive orders, Dan. Thanks very much. Yeah, that's good. If you were president of the world, Jack, what would you want to enforce onto the plebs?

Starting point is 01:49:43 Right, I've only fought with this today. So there'll probably be holes in this. There's holes in literally everyone. Let's spitball it though. Let's try and make this. I was thinking right, because actually we could probably, you were talking about cars. I know you're getting a bit upset. It's fine. You can talk about it. But we're also talking about trolls. You can relate to this as well actually. So I was thinking, you know, like when someone gets aggressive, does a bit of aggressive driving, they drive past and go wanker like that and they just drive off. You know what I mean? Like I reckon there should be some sort of rule where like the person who gets called a wanker, they can like, I don't know, there's some sort of signal where they sort of beep three times or something

Starting point is 01:50:16 and legally that person who's called them a wanker has to pull over and they have to have a bare knuckle fight by the side of the road. I get my head punched in everything. But you don't have to, you're in your right. Cause the thing is though, I'm sick of people thinking, driving off. No, because I'm the one shouting. Yeah, but I mean, people thinking they're getting away, thinking they're odd. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:50:36 Going wanker. Yeah, he didn't fucking say nothing, did he? Yeah, he didn't cause you drove off a fucking 70 miles an hour. Do you know what I mean? If you're going to front it, let's have it out. On the way down to Nottingham last week, uh, Jack, our photographer, he, uh, he got in a little bit of a, a to do with another driver. And then we had a really good 15 minutes where we were right now. Cause it was, it was some old cunt and his wife.

Starting point is 01:50:59 Yeah. And he was in his fifties. I think it his Dan's age. And he was driving a fucking, like the biggest, is it Range Rover Vogue? You know he's fucking in as well, you know what I mean? It's one of your lot. And he was being a bellend. But then we just stayed like either in front or to the side of him or right behind him and was just causing havoc and winding him up. And his wife was just sat there. Like in the end he was laughing money. She got the air. She was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh,

Starting point is 01:51:30 do you know what I mean? Cause it's that thing of like thinking you're odd, like and not being able to back it up. Cause I think it would just cut out a lot of dickheads, wouldn't it? Like you. Can you scrap? Would you back yourself? Uh, depends how big they are. At your height? Uh, no. uh depends how big they are. They're your height? Uh, nah. But he can swat a child. Any child. I'll have a look and say a little, little, little, wanker. But no, I had a guy fuming with me this morning and it was my fault. I, we were, we were just at the lights. There was yesterday, yesterday, yesterday, sorry. Yesterday

Starting point is 01:52:07 I was, I was behind a bus and there was two cars and I was like, if this sets off and he's a little slow in the right, in the right hand lane, I'm going to, I'm just going to nip in. Yeah. But I sort of committed to it and he wasn't being slow and I indicated, but it was the most like pointless indication because I was being a dick and he, he, he did that thing of like driving behind me really close for ages and it went on for about four miles. So in that situation, if you beat three times, just to say, all right, let's settle this by the side of the road.

Starting point is 01:52:47 Do you reckon he... No, but he was driving in a way that made me think if we'd have pulled over, he knew he could kill me. Yeah. Like he was driving like a guy like, I would love you to pull over. He drove in a way that was like, I am not getting in this.

Starting point is 01:53:02 I didn't even look in the rear view mirror. This is the beautiful thing about this law though, because then you could just go, I'm not going to beep, I'll leave this one. But if someone was getting a bit like Larry and you thought I might be able to take them on actually, you go, right, let's sort this out. If you looked over, it was like an elderly dwarf calling you a wanker. I wouldn't back you against all dwarves. Some dwarves would punch your head in. Come on mate. Absolutely. Some are dwarves. Absolutely. It's very pro dwarf what you're saying really. They're heavy as well, aren't they? They've got like a good base. Low center of gravity. Yeah. Yeah. I'm top heavy.

Starting point is 01:53:46 I'd love to see that fight through this. My center of gravity. Once they've worked that out. You're 75, you don't walk. Thin legs. Better driving past that. You've got to strip to the waist as well. That Queensbury rules.

Starting point is 01:54:03 My favorite move in the car and I got done to me waist as well. That Queensbury rules. My favorite move in the car and I got done to me once and I took it instead of all that. Yeah. This one. You don't have to take your eyes off the road and they don't get to respond. She can just drive and go no bad. And they see it and you can just play my favorite move. Not bad. That makes me dislike that. That is a, that is a bell end move in it. Yeah. Yeah. You don't get to get one back cause I didn't see you. I like the one where you just, as they overtake you while they're being a dick, you just get to go. I don't, you don't even have to, I just want them to look over. That's the whole point. Everyone's so hard in a car. Yeah. that's the point of the game. It's like, oh, but come on.

Starting point is 01:54:45 I don't know, that's all. You've got to sell this properly. My favorite thing, right, let's say I'm in the right lane on a motorway and I'm, you know, hypothetically breaking the law speed wise. So let's say I'm doing 75, right? Woo. 75, right?

Starting point is 01:55:03 And I'm there and someone gets right up my ass. Yeah. Right? 75. Right? And I'm there and someone gets right up my ass. Yeah. Right? But I know I'm about to overtake someone in the middle. Yeah. I know I am. So I'm not moving over. It's right, you've got right away.

Starting point is 01:55:13 Yeah, and I'm already breaking the law. I'm already going fast enough. Right? So they've got no right to make me move over. But then they move into the middle to undertake it. I feel like Gap. I will write my card off to stop him getting in front to stop him undertaking me and getting in front of me. I know I'm in the wrong here. I know I'm in the wrong, right? But just this whole middle

Starting point is 01:55:37 lane hog thing. Yeah. Where'd you start? Cause I want them dead. Yeah. You should be able to drive past and shoot them in the face. No, I'm saying that's exactly. Yeah. Cause you guys explain to me, middle lane is overtaken. So if you're in the outside lane and your turnoffs come in and there's someone in the middle lane, what are you going to do? Right. They're blocking your way to move over. You just don't need to be there. Why are you there? Usually pissed. So that's fine. Lisa's sent in an executive order that's similar to this. She says, bring back trial by combat

Starting point is 01:56:18 or dueling, but for menial things. Like if two of you both reach for the last Yorkshire pudding, you should be able to meet them at high noon with flintlock pistol or challenge them to a game of connect four or something less violent. Buffet style Yorkshire puddings. She said combat and then said connect four. I think she's yeah, felt bad that she'd gone a bit aggressive with the track. Rock, paper, scissors is the way to sort most things in it.

Starting point is 01:56:44 Or a fist fight. I'm kind of fight. Take the bins out. Let's have a fight. I think it's like every time the proper like that though. Like rock, paper, scissors, make us win. And that feels fucking great. Best out of three. I've got an executive order that I don't know whether I've done on a previous episode, because I feel like I probably would have done it the first time, but it's been doing me add in all week. Do you know if you're, so again, goes back to something you were talking about before,

Starting point is 01:57:13 you know if you're a social media troll, you can hide behind a fake account online. I understand why some people wanna do it. The second you tweet something that is remotely personal or offensive to anyone, the person you've tweeted it to should be able to click a button and download your name, address, mother's maiden name, the name of your first pet. I should get every piece of information about everyone who ever says anything horrible. And I should be allowed

Starting point is 01:57:41 to go around the house and absolutely burn it down and just be able to show a tweet and be like. Yeah. Is this all because of the cardigan? No, I didn't mind that by the way, I'm about to be fucking, I couldn't be more basic. Well, I think it's similar to the thing,

Starting point is 01:57:59 that's what I was saying, like with the punch up by the side of the road, same with the trolls. Cause there is that, is it that Mike Tyson thing he said? He can say whatever he wants. But they were saying people are, people are paraphrasing. It's like it's a way of being dicks about punching the face. It is that thing. People just, I think people need to punch in the face. Yeah. You need to know what that feels like to know what's coming. If you carry on

Starting point is 01:58:21 cause you get people just getting away with it. You should have to have your name and face on your social media. You want to go on it. But even a good thing about this rule of fighting though, is even if you lose the fight, people would still think twice about doing it. Cause you're like, I remember once there was a lad at school and he was like a bit of a bully boy and he picked my mate and I punched him. Right.

Starting point is 01:58:40 Didn't really do much because he beat the shit out of me. But he didn't do it again because of like... You've got something about you? No, he just thinks to himself, oh, I can't be bothered with... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's a weird thing that... Just being someone who will have the fight stops you getting in a lot of fights.

Starting point is 01:58:56 It does and it's like that old, you know, like I had like quite an old school dad. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? He's like, you're getting in trouble, hit the biggest one. Yeah. That sort of... I love that dad advice., you're getting in trouble, hit the biggest one. Yeah. I love that dad advice. Walk in a room, first day of school, shin free cunts. Walk into a job interview, just flash.

Starting point is 01:59:13 My dad literally gave me that advice as a child though. It doesn't work. He's like, if you're ever cornered by like seven men, it'll bend over. He was like, you hit the biggest one and the other six will just shit themselves and run away. What if they're dwarfs? There were seven of them. When did he? Is it the meet and greets after the pungo? It's sleepy. They've all fallen asleep. Yeah, but apparently that works. When did he give you the advice? I think I was like eight. First day of school, eight? Oh God. You don't get that advice?

Starting point is 01:59:46 You didn't get that advice? From, that's what I'm giving now. Yeah, I'll let my daughter know. Your daughter never teaches you how to scrap. You get to Brownies and someone's being a bit... Show them in the garden. Just twat seven of them. There's more getting straight in, let me know who's boss.

Starting point is 01:59:58 My dad watched me have a fight once and let it happen. Right. So I was arguing with one of my mates. You know him as well. I won't name him in case he doesn't want this going out there, but I told my dad I'd like have arranged to have a scrap and he was like, I'll be your trainer. And has he got the reach on you? What? Has he got the reach on you? No. Oh, right. Okay. I had to reach on him. Yeah. And it wasn't a dwarf either. I think we've hit our dwarf limit. But yeah, my dad

Starting point is 02:00:28 used to live above the bookies on Dovey shops for a bit. And I was in there and I was texting the lad I was arranging to have a scrap with and he was like, let's just have it now. And I was like, ah, I'm with my dad's and he was like, well, I'll come round there. So he came round. Checking diaries. And busy needs to. There's a church over the road from where my dad lived. And I said, right, I'm just going to go over the church there and have a scrap. And he said, no, do it in front of the bookies and then we can put that to...

Starting point is 02:00:59 And he came out and watched. He stayed on that side of the road and just had a little bit there and watched us have a scrap. Did you win? Yeah. Was he proud of you? What did he say when you won? I've never lost a fight, apart from three. What did he say when you won? He was just like hollerin' from the other side.

Starting point is 02:01:14 Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Hoo! Was it Chris Sacabuzzi? My dad's Chris Sacabuzzi, yeah. George Ward says, all crisps, executive orders, all crisps in a multi-pack must be the same size as a grab bag pack of crisps.

Starting point is 02:01:31 No. Why are they so small? Because- Make them big. They snack size? Grab bag is like a- Grab bag is meant to be a share. Grab bag's like a lunch replacement.

Starting point is 02:01:40 Yeah, and grab bag is more bag than crisps, anyway. It's like a- Grab bag is share? No, it's not. No, it's not. I didn't say that. No, I said that, but I'm not saying that. No grab bag is more bag than crisp, isn't it? It's like a grab bag is shit. No it is not. Of course I wouldn't, but you would never share the multi-pack bag. Definitely. It's the more shareable in the pool. Especially like petrol stations. Sometimes you don't want a grab bag. There's nothing but grab bags. I do roast chicken, walkers grab bag. Elite. I like roast chicken but apparently it's a really unpopular choice. Yeah. And Worcester sauce. I used to like Worcester sauce as well. Here's the thing. I really love a crisp butty. Crisp sandwich. What I like is you need about 50 grams of crisp for a crisp butty, which is a grab bag.

Starting point is 02:02:26 Or it's two because they're 25 grams normally. The Walker's multi-pack bags are 25 grams. Right. So grab bag is double one of them. But what I like is a mixture of cheese and onion and salt and vinegar. So I get a bag of each. Blumenthal over it. Oh, he's right though. Yeah. Because you get a bit of, oh, hey, ah. Is it just crisps or do you have that ham?

Starting point is 02:02:49 Just purely crisp. Sometimes I'll have, but to, right, this is interesting this because I don't think everyone's on the same page with this. I think me and you are. Do you also do this at the end of it? Oh yeah. Squash it to a... Oh, 100%.

Starting point is 02:03:00 Do you butter? A little bit of butter? Oh, more butter than you ever need. I've never made a crisp sandwich. I make a sandwich and add crisps to it. It's the thing. Some people think a ham, like a sandwich with ham and loads of crisp on is a crisp sandwich. That's not, that's a ham sandwich with crisp on. A crisp sandwich is nothing but crisp. I've never heard that.

Starting point is 02:03:17 Oh, you're missing out so much. Wow. Just take the ham out. Oh mate, honestly. Carbs and carbs. Yeah, yeah. It's so good. Really fresh orange war buttons with loads of butter and a bag of crisp on. And actually if you can get it, they're not as easy to track down these days. If you can get green war buttons, the extra thick one. That's the best for the crisp butty. It's the extra thick. A crisp that's not about anymore.

Starting point is 02:03:44 Do you remember the, you mean knickknacks? Yeah the extra thick. A crisp that's not about anymore. Do you remember the, you mean knickknacks? Yeah. Right? Do you mean cream and cheese flavor? Stop making them anymore. Stop. Ribbon Saucy, cream and cheese.

Starting point is 02:03:52 We're at the top of the game. Ribbon Saucy, took over cream and cheese. I only mean cream and cheese. You can't. I used to love them. They're banging. Good crisp. What are knickknacks?

Starting point is 02:04:00 The little bobbly ones. Like a bobbly corn snack. Oh. Stephen Wheelhouse says, I think all products that we buy that are because of natural things that all humans do should be free. Like toilet roll, we shouldn't have to pay to wipe our ass.

Starting point is 02:04:16 Everyone shits. Same goes for period stuff. Tampons, yeah. A lot of companies do give them for free. Right. Because I mean, we do, if you go on our ladies toilets, there's tampons. Tampons I agree with.

Starting point is 02:04:27 I'm not just trying to be a fucking also woke nonsense guy, but I do agree with that. Toilet roll one, I don't agree with. And this is to my disadvantage actually. I just think some people fold and they use less toilet paper than me. So I'd be getting more from the government because I don't wipe my ass properly.

Starting point is 02:04:48 I also poo a lot more. That isn't my fault, but you can argue it is. But when it comes to tampons, women don't get to choose how much they bleed. Nice. That was aggressive. That was lovely, that. Really nice sentiment.

Starting point is 02:05:03 Just on the last syllable. Also government toilet roll would be shit. Yeah, I'm going quilty nowadays. That is, he's earning more. What? You got an earning warning? Face down. Yeah, I think government standard toilet roll would do that.

Starting point is 02:05:28 Yeah, but school bog roll, wouldn't it? Yeah. I had some bad school bog roll. I never shit in school. I'm not a lunatic. I didn't have that privilege. I know you didn't. Who is he? The control. I would be writhing in pain before I went to the toilet in school for a shit.

Starting point is 02:05:46 See, my stomach skips that step and I just poo. I don't want to. It's the most vulnerable thing you can ever do is poo in school. Yeah, was it due to that? Well, it is now because I'm 43. You're not formally in there. In our school, if you got sort of outed as someone who had... Like, I'd never shit at break time.

Starting point is 02:06:05 No, because where's that? I'm going to have a poo. Everyone's in the bog taking pictures. Literally. I would go like maybe, maybe 10 minutes into a lesson. So like everyone, everyone's in lesson and even the ones who were late for class and in by now, no one's in that bog and I can go on muck. Their school was a nightmare. He went to a similar school. Dan, I normally don't back them up on school stuff. That's a hundred percent true. You'd get your pitch taken. You do not poo in school.

Starting point is 02:06:35 Yeah, but I went to school in the 90s. They were all older hands shitting. You went to Eaton. Imagine that nightingale's going for a shit. People draw on it. Disposable. Stay there, Dan. shit and you went to Eaton. Imagine that nightingale's gone for a shit. People draw. Stay there, Dan.

Starting point is 02:06:49 Nightingale peering. Sean says it should be the law that you should know what you're having before entering any takeaway establishment. No bollocks. Sometimes I wanna go and have a look and I still get what I've always got. Get into the counter you should know. No, like last night, I didn't know what I wanted and I had to have a look.

Starting point is 02:07:13 Nah. Oh yeah, I laughed at it actually and then it changed my mind. I hung back. Did you not notice I hung back a little bit because I was making my mind up. Yeah, if I walk into the chippy and I don't know what I'm having, I don't join the queue.

Starting point is 02:07:24 No, but I'm saying you're standing there looking, don't you? Yeah, I stand there and have a look. The same holidays? And then I get the same thing again every time I'm going. I'd say a good game you can play is you're in Subway, someone walks in and guess what kind of person they are. I mean, like I look at someone, oh, he's a tuna mill. There's scum just going in Subway. What?

Starting point is 02:07:40 There's scum just going in Subway. Steal what? Subway's fallen off. Yeah, it was bigger than it was. What do you mean, how can it fall off Subway's fallen off. It was bigger than it was. What do you mean? How did it fall off? It's a sandwich. They're using different ingredients now. It's nowhere near as good as it used to be, but you're not scum. Scum might have been a bit harsh.

Starting point is 02:07:55 Scum adjacent. Have you got a go to when it comes to subway? Maple. I'm that one basic. Maple. Maple. He doesn't like food. He's got to adjust that food.

Starting point is 02:08:04 You ever had a subway? Yeah. It's never normal. I have to make my own. Everyone makes their own. Yeah, that's how you do it. It's called have it your way. That's the slogan. Is it weird in subway to make me old? I bet you just said,

Starting point is 02:08:18 I'm mad in subway mate, I don't get one of the pre-made butties. I go in and the woman looks at me and is like, what bread do you want love? Best poke. She knows. I saw the tweet yesterday and it was like, why is the woman in Subway asking for the tip? We made the buddy together. So my Subway, most of the time I'll just go hearty Italian, but sometimes I'll go herbs and cheese

Starting point is 02:08:41 bread. It depends which one, but it's either the herbs, it's either hearty Italian or herbs and cheese. And then I go turkey breast and ham, add bacon, add pepperoni, lettuce, pickles, olives, jalapenos, crispy onions, and Southwest sauce. No lettuce? No. That sounds heavy, that boy. A lot, that is a lot.

Starting point is 02:09:03 Yeah. I have cheese. I get cheese on it too, but I don't get it melted. Two slices of hovis. I have a cheese toast to it somewhere. Most expensive cheese toast in history. One more of these. Brad Stockley says,

Starting point is 02:09:18 all people over 55 must retake their driving test every three years. You think you'd pass? I think I'd be all right, but is it by the standards of like whether you can drive or... Because the driving test is like... Don't mind. What was this? Drive a 55, you'll be right for a... Your patina fellow on the head with the own gold.

Starting point is 02:09:38 Are you indicating? Pass my joke around. Pass my test around. 55's a bit young innit? I'm just indicating something. Not for these. 55 is 192 years old in these concepts. How old are you Jack? 36. Youth. How old are you? How would you think I am? I hate that question. Go on.

Starting point is 02:09:58 Just answer straight away. 33. I am 33. I'm very good at it though. I'm not showing off. That's why I don't like it. I hate that question because it gives me away as a psychic. Let's do some advice before we get the fuck out of Dodge. Jackskipper.com, all tour dates. And is it Mr. Jackskipper on Instagram and stuff? That's it. There you go.

Starting point is 02:10:23 There's your legs. By the way, this coming week, I'm at Hotwater.com. Jackskipper on Instagram and stuff. That's it. There you go. By the way, this coming week, I'm at Hot Water Comedy Club, 12th and 13th, doing four shows, two shows Wednesday, two shows Thursday. Adam Rowan, friends. Got some friends that I know for a fact you like on the bill. This is from Anonymous. Advice here lids. I went away for the weekend for work and left my 16 and 70 year old daughters in the house. When I came home the house had clearly been tidied but something was off.

Starting point is 02:10:57 I found stains on the couch, nozz canisters in the downstairs bathroom bin and a used condom outside. Worst of all, my... Outside? I like the way she goes, something's off. Is it? This isn't where I put my noz. She's clever. Something's not right here. There's cum all over my garden.

Starting point is 02:11:18 Condoms in the garden? Why can't you use condoms on the roof? Worst of all, my bed had been used. It was very clear that they'd had a house party behind my back. Despite me saying they couldn't have one in the past, but both of them sheepishly refused to admit anything. Do I admit that I know and discipline them or do I put it down to something I would have probably done growing up and let them think they've got away with it?

Starting point is 02:11:45 I think if you don't let them know that you know, you only look like a fucking idiot. There's condoms everywhere. It's just normal. You got to definitely let them know. Tell them you've had a party, haven't you? Just say clean up better next time. Someone got walloped in her bed by the way. I had luck to me. Oh, is that the line? I, I want up to get on my dad's bed once broken and he was there at the side. Better than fucking seven of them. The biggest one. Be cool. You've had a party. I did see your knob and I saw you punch someone just past my head in the bed. No, it wasn't the guy. No, it's not laughing gas. Yeah. Right. Maybe they

Starting point is 02:12:36 were pumping the condoms up for like a balloon. Yes. She didn't say what she knew the condom was used. Maybe it was just full of air. I think I'm being used that if she didn't say how she knew the condom was used. Maybe it was just full of air. Condom's been used that. If she doesn't bring it out they're gonna walk all over it like. Yeah it's gonna be fucking machine guns and needles next time, isn't it? What would you do if you got back after a gig and Laura was like, I've just nipped to the shop but then you found all this and you... Etta's had a party. No, Laura had a party.

Starting point is 02:13:00 If I found noz canisters and a used condom, I would have questions for my eight year old and three year old. I really, I think I'd have to come down pretty hard on that. Something is going wrong. Jack's been making like balloon animals. Etta's been making like chantilly cream for the trifle. What cream for? Chantilly. It feels like you want to bet by saying Chantilly in the episode.

Starting point is 02:13:25 Yeah, I'd be, I think when they get to that age, 16, 17, it is going to happen if you're leaving them on their own, but I feel like the bedroom is the one. You can't be shagging in your bed, can you? I've done it, but don't. That's the lie. It's usually the better bed though, isn't it? Just goose someone, like the garden office, just bang him in the garden office. What if you haven't got a garden office, Dan?

Starting point is 02:13:48 What, have I burnt it down? No, somebody else. I'm watching advice from other people who aren't in and like you are. What if someone doesn't have another building to take a woman to? The East Wing? He thought this would be over by now, by the way. Alright, dude. It's not just go listen tied you up better next time. I know you've got a party, but come on, don't take the piss.

Starting point is 02:14:10 And then if you take the piss again, go, I gave you the chance there. Now he's a fucked and what's still allowed to get home alone. They're still allowed to have the parties and get fucked and do not say safe and comfortable in the house. Let them have a fucking party. Yeah, but there's the argument that it's better to have them where you know they are. Exactly. Rather than respect though, come on. Just tidy up. Yeah, have some respect.

Starting point is 02:14:32 No condoms in the garden I think. That should be the line. That's one of the respectful rules. Yeah, because the guinea pigs will choke on it. That's not how you want a guinea pig to die is it? What have I told you? Don't use condoms. But leave condoms.

Starting point is 02:14:44 Raw dog the guinea pig to die, is it? What have I told you? Don't use condoms. Leave condoms for them and go, oh, you're going to go that. You're going to be like, here's a little hamper for, you know, you have two daughters, 16 and 17. You're going to be doing that. Seneca will be doing that. They won't have sex until they're 45 in my head. If you're doing it 16, Seneca is going to give you two daughters, condoms. I mean, like, go on, go and get walloped. Sereka's mom, as of age, was like, right, you know, it's going to start happening soon

Starting point is 02:15:12 and was like, here is everything you need. If you're going to do it, please do it properly. And you know, and that was great advice rather than just leaving her. I didn't have to chat with my mom because lads don't. I know you did, kind of, with your dad. No. You had a little bit of a bed in the beach chat with your dad, didn't you? chat with my mum because lads don't. I know you did, kind of, with your dad. No. You had a little bit of a bird in the beach chat with your dad, didn't you? With me mum, really? Your mum? Oh yeah, and you told to fuck off. Yeah, because I was in the bath. With a woman.

Starting point is 02:15:36 You're too late on this one, girl. Have I ever told you about my dad giving me the talk? In Turkish? Well, no, in English. He spoke English. All right. Finn met... He spoke it no, in English. He spoke English. All right. He spoke it doesn't anymore. He met when you get to me down to rub your pussy. We were just sat on the couch and I'm not. This is going to sound like a bit. You're having sex

Starting point is 02:15:57 yet mate. I went, no, no. Yeah. I was like 14. You went, okay, wrap it up before you slap it up. That was it. Oh mate, someone said, are you having sex yet? I would evacuate the country. Having sex yet? Oh, you meant about my dad saying like, have I got loads of pubes? Yeah. I mean, like that's what he's almost.

Starting point is 02:16:21 Yeah. Yeah. The chat. I didn't know the chat. I just learned. me mom came to me when I was in the bath I was like this is normally I hadn't seen me dad for a couple of months like it was the one period of me life Where I didn't see me dad for a couple of months And I think me mom was like well You know, maybe whenever gonna see that man again, so I'll have to have this chat

Starting point is 02:16:39 I'm she yeah, I was in the bath and she was like so that that's your Willie there. Yeah. To put that in a pussy. She did it in a Turkish accent as well. Hello, man. Please, I don't want to do this in a... Make sure you wrap it up before you slap it up. And leave the nods canisters in the bin. Huh? Did you ever listen to him? Not the first time I had sex, no.

Starting point is 02:17:02 Did you road dog your first time? Is he bugger? Yeah. Was it her first time? Yeah. Oh, it's okay. It's less all right. Well, good advice there. Good advice. I mean, you know, I'm not going to go to the kids, his advice and AIDS, not AIDS. Yeah, we're going to give them AIDS. Cut out of the middle. No one will fuck you. Like his condoms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to do what Sarah's mum did, just a hamper of fuck utensils.

Starting point is 02:17:29 It's all done in school anyway, innit? You don't have to have the chat. Sex education is always fun. Yeah, but you trust your teacher, trust your teacher to do it properly rather than yourself. Yeah, more so than me. Really, yeah? Yeah, I think. You're a 16 year old lad, and he's like, hey dad, I'm going to go and fuck, and you're

Starting point is 02:17:42 like, are the teachers also? You wouldn't be like, come here. I think that's what it's for though, wouldn't it? Sex education. Are your kids both boys or do you want to be two? Oldest boy? Yeah. He's 10. Yeah. It's coming up for you next few years. One more. Welcome. I thought my dad didn't have a chat with me. No, but I don't think it's wrong if you do. And you just like, are you embarrassed? Probably. Yeah. I don't know how to, I don't think it's wrong if you do. No. Are you just like, are you embarrassed? Probably, yeah.

Starting point is 02:18:06 I don't know how to, I don't know what advice to give to be honest. Just be like, be safe, you know, treat girls with a bit of respect, don't be a nub at that easy, you know? Can I ask you a question, Jack? Go on. You know when you were a kid,

Starting point is 02:18:15 did you ever go on like family holidays, like during the summer or like even during the school year? Yeah. Yeah. Did your family ever take you out of school against the school's wishes to take you on a holiday? I think so. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:18:27 He left school, but no GCSEs. I was just wondering whether it did affect it. Cause we... It was never there. He was an aspen. Well, boys, that has been a great pod. Thank you very much. Good luck on the tour, Jack.

Starting point is 02:18:42 Hope you enjoy. Come and see me and my mates doing our new jokes, mate. 12th and 13th Hot Water Comedy Club. Oh, 12th and 13th. And then I've got loads more. There's loads on my website now. I'm doing like 40 or something. And buy some tickets for dance anthems.

Starting point is 02:18:59 We're gonna have a dance party, an all day dance party, 4 p.m. till 10 p.m. on the 20th of April at Content, come and have a little rave with the lids. Mad Dat Danthems by the way. Oh yeah, that would have been good. Mad Dat Merch is no out as well, go and have a look, it's all very nice. And to close this off, just for the audio listeners, of which there are many thousands,

Starting point is 02:19:19 we have a bit of music from unsigned artists. We do. This week is a band from North Wales and they're called Sister Envy. And this is their new tune, Swallowed by the Ground. That sounds fun. Enjoy, everyone. Thanks, Jack. My delusion! Come in town from the words that you said last night On the phones, don't call with a mouth full of jealousy

Starting point is 02:20:11 You bring me down You know exactly what I'm going through Melaphim, all that is gone scarred your filthy fantasies I waited for too long, just to hear your sorry sound I waited for you there, just so long until I could You made me pay all I gave, I never felt the same You kissed away my pride Now I feel I have time

Starting point is 02:21:11 You wanna taste fair You want a taste of beer You want it more I couldn't give you anything You wear a crown of frowns And you're clowning your circus fantasies You bring me down You know exactly what I'm going through I'm swallowed by the ground, impounded state of sensuality I waited for too long, just to hear you say it's out I waited for you there, just so you did I care You made me play your game, I never felt the same You kissed only my pride, now it's pretty long halftime Now it's pretty long halftime Now it's pretty long halftime

Starting point is 02:22:06 Now it's pretty long halftime Now it's pretty long halftime Now it's pretty long halftime Now it's pretty long halftime Now it's pretty long halftime Now it's pretty long halftime Now it's pretty long halftime Now it's pretty long halftime

Starting point is 02:22:22 Now it's pretty long halftime Now it's pretty long halftime Now it's pretty long halftime I waited for too long Just to hear your siren sound I waited for you here Just an audience that I care You made me play all game I never felt the same You kissed away my pride Now it's play time to hide Now it's play time to hide

Starting point is 00:00:00 Now it's paradise you

Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #319 with Jack Skipper - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

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