Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #32 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

Thanks to our sponsors Beer52.com, TransAlloy Wheels LTD and Vauxhall Comedy Club, follow us @haveawordpod and find us on YouTube. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening guys, it's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

Past themes have been the beers of Germany, California, Belgium, Korea, New Zealand, South Africa, and many, many more. And they've kindly given our listeners an exclusive offer. You'll get a free case of eight beers, an award-winning beer magazine, and a tasty snack the second you sign up. They'll send them out in the post here. And you can't catch Corona from the post. All you have to do is pay a few quid for the delivery,

and you can cancel or pause your membership at any time sign up now at beer52.com slash word that's our exclusive link that's b-e-e-r-5-2.com slash w-o-r-d you'll claim your free case of beer and for every person that signs up via that link only they slide us a little bit of money that supports the podcast it helps us out it's win-win so do us a favor pause the pod yeah go and do that now And then enjoy the episode Nice one See you in a bit Fucking did it in one take bro Yeah man

Pokey Pokey Picking a Pokey Good morning job seekers Oh my god Okay it's happening Catch me outside How about that Have you never seen me before

Upset me Nasty bitch I'm big boned I'm heavy structured I'm hung low if i pull my shit out this whole room get dark disgusting it's the end of the world as we know it and i feel like podcasting two mics two lids and a lot of time on their hands this is have a word shut down dailies let's get through this mess together.

Hello, dear lad. Now, how are you doing? How are you doing, Adam Roll? I'm doing all right. I'll be honest with you, Daniel. I didn't have the best of days yesterday. I wasn't on the best form for the rest of the day. It happens, doesn't it?

It happens. I could tell you weren't quite right because, you know, we're comedians. We can put the old show face on. I did a gig the night my granddad died. You put it on. It's sort of hard doing podcasting because you can't just go on autopilot and do the set that you know. But you were fine.

I was having a nice time. And then you got to the end and you were like, there's a video out of that one. Nah. All right, see you later. I was like, okay. So I was like, I think there might be a video out of that when you were like, no, I don't think there is. Right, see you later i was like oh okay so i was like i was i was like i think there might be a video out of that when you were like no i don't think there is right see you later see you

tomorrow and then i saw your tweet later i'm going i've not had the best days i was like oh shit yeah nah nah see that do you know what happened i just i got like this i felt like overwhelmed with emotion i nearly just cried for no reason. Yesterday night, I was just on the couch and I went to Jade. I really want to cry and she went, well, cry. Then I went, I can't. I just feel like that's what I need to do. It's not that simple, Jade. I can't just cry.

It was really weird. I had a feeling in my chest and in my head. And the only way I can articulate it to you is they both felt the same, but I don't know what the feeling was. It was so fucking weird. And I was trying to explain it to Jade and she just come over and just has a stroke on me beard.

You basically shut down even the most stoic, you know, working class Gauss comedian who hasn't cried properly apart from when Liverpool win Champions League since like

the mid-naughties you're basically Anchorman aren't you? I'm in a glass case of emotion it feels like that it feels like

you're like there's things going on I'm grumpy I'm angry I'm sad I think you're having a shutdown period I think that's what's happened

I was having a little man period that's what it was. I was having a little man period. That's what it was. Bleeding from my arse. IBS. I'm bleeding from my brain. Yeah, it's fine. Well, you dealt with it great.

I felt like I needed to be doing something, but I didn't want to do anything. And then today, I've just woke up. We had some breakfast, and then I got me Alexa, you know, like the little Amazon Echo thing. I had some breakfast and then I just, I put, I got me Alexa, you know, like the little Amazon Echo thing. I got here to just play some music

and we started tidying the house up because the house was getting a bit messy and I was just being in a fucking great mood. You know, and you got the tunes on and you just tidy them around. Once the ball's rolling, I fucking love writing a to-do list

and this is how much of a knobhead I am. I write some really fucking easy ones at the top. Like, I never, like, if you've got your tax return to do, you never write tax return first. That job will stay at the top of that list for five fucking months. Write, ring my granddad. Bang. Then I'm like, I pop your eyes like,

yeah, well, the football's turned off. I'll see you later. I'm like, right, great. One the football's turned off I'll see you later I'm like right great one job tick and it gets the ball rolling and even though it's trickery it makes me feel like

don't be a knob to Laura you alright babe I love you tick job done job number one start writing a to-do list smashed it mate

don't have a wank ah fuck well that's you know I'll put a maybe next to that one tidying up self though made. Don't have a wank. Ah, fuck. Well, that's you know. I'll put a maybe next to that one. Tired enough self though. And I need to get this off. It's really tidy because I'll tell you about this later. I can't really say much right now, but there might be a little exciting

TV opportunity coming up live from Adam's house that I might have to get you involved in. I'll tell you about this in a bit. The actual fuck? The actual fuck? What the fuck? That's the first voice voice that's gonna go if it's an actual tv opportunity adam we really like it what you're doing at the moment with uh have a words we love it we've seen we've seen every episode of have a words and we really think you'd be great for our tv thing because we're big fans of have a words with you and dave

nights dave night and what can you bring to the party um african voices okay i think the line's gone whoa i was doing jordy oh yeah sorry sorry oh oh i just went out uh a walk around the woods which is becoming you know without even dogging is becoming really fucking good

that is a even though it's just an hour of dicking around you just come back and you're like I've bloody done something today it's all trickery innit

just rather than be like oh fuck didn't do that around the house didn't you know just having a walk around the woods it was quality

because there was a guy walking his dog and that and Etta just went what's that man doing and we were like walking walking the dog and then she literally about 50 yards away she just went what what's she doing just walking the dog she went what are you doing man fucking amazing little three-year-old and because like normally you'd be like oh what a cute three-year-old because there's that air of like the police may be stopping you and you do feel like even even if you drive to do exercise like that's not really the rules all of a sudden etta who he doesn't even know the covid19 things going on he's like what the fuck are you doing man

what are you doing and he was like who the fuck is all right yeah it's just a kid being a weirdo overconfident little three-year-old just getting eggy in a field near chester good on your kid i walked i walk our dog like every day for about an hour we've got a park like quite nearby i just let her off the lead she has a little roam around yesterday we were there and this little girl comes up and goes can i stroke her and i was like no you cannot i do not know where you've been child fuck off away from my dog you germ ball of filth. Usually it's you holding the dog back like, oh, I'm sorry, sorry.

She's just a bit friendly now. It's like, get your fucking dirty COVID-19 child away from my beautiful dog. Get away, you rabid little child. I banish you. You are banished from the Pride Lands. Yeah, that's mental, innit? Have you got that feeling of like

it's i mean we're only like three weeks in it's probably gonna there's gonna be more of this to come but my mate ben in newcastle was just like i am making arrangements with every fucker for everything like if anyone if you could you could invite me to a bar mitzvah you could invite me to like a fucking neo-nazi i'd just be like yeah I don't agree with any of that stuff and I'm not Jewish but I'll be there I'll be there

is it a social event I'm up for it a sesh a fucking kindergarten group anything he's like I just wanna do you feel that

inclination to be like I wanna make some arrangements or do you feel like it's just pointless do you feel like it's a bit hypocritical to go to both a bar mitzvah and a neo-nazi

what I was what I was doing there I feel like you've got to pick a side there. I was ad-libbing, and I'll be honest, I'm not quoting him verbatim on that one. That's not exactly what he said. He's not agreed to go to both a neo-Nazi meeting

and a bar mitzvah. Do you know what? I'm going to go and fight for Israel. I'm going to go and fight for Palestine. I'm going to do both. One day I'm going to be on one side, another day I'm going to be on the other, and I just want to help people. I just want to be

outdoors, do you know what I mean? Yeah, that would be a bit full on, but that inclination to just be like, oh, I want to do something, I want to arrange shit, I want to do, or do you just think, fuck it, what's the point, because you don't know when you're going to be able to do it? I haven't been arranging anything

personally, because I am quite pessimistic, so I still think we're looking at November before we get back to you're going to be able to do it? I haven't been arranging anything personally because I'm quite pessimistic. I still think we're looking at November before we get back to normality, to be honest with you. I'm still sticking to that. Do you think November for everyone out of the shutdown? I'm sort of coming around to your thing that I think letting people in comedy clubs

might be a slow release, but I don't think the shutdown's going to be November, is it? No, I think the shutdown for shutdown is going to be November is it? I think the shutdown for us is going to be maybe July but I think it's going to come in stages so I think maybe obviously July will technically be the school summer holidays I don't know what they're doing with stuff like that

I don't know whether they're doing the same with the school year that they are with the Premier League where they're like as soon as we can reopen we're going from there and I don't know whether there's kids going I'm not going to a fucking school mate it's July I think the first thing that could reopen would be

the schools then it might be restaurants with social distancing enacted where you know a limited amount of tables they might let that reopen I think it'll come in stages when I say November I think we'll be gigging again in November and by us being able to gig in dark damp basements filled with 200 people that's got to be pretty much everything

back to normal hasn't it yeah i think we're the last two we some good news from spain though they're reopening non-essential shops like they've just announced that that is the next and that's happening in the next couple of weeks you're like well they only went in a shutdown two three weeks before us so that's pretty good news really isn't it that already although maybe spain are going a bit early i think i think spain are going a bit early and i also think that they've actually handled it better than we have um they got quite bad at one point but our government has fucked it a bit

I'm really worried that there's going to be a couple of other countries that come out of a shutdown and then a lot of the public in the UK are going to put pressure on the government like well fucking Italy are out, Belgium are out Spain are out, why can't I go to the beer garden?

And I think our governments are so fucking shit, they're going to go, go on then. And I think we're going to come out of shutdown. I hope I'm wrong about this. I think we're going to come out of shutdown and go back into it. I think they're going to let us out too early.

More people are going to get sick and die and then they're going to go, right, back in your houses. You can see why the pubs and nightclubs and comedy clubs are going to be hard to... Because how do you tell British... You almost can't be like, right, what we're doing is social distancing, yeah?

Everyone that's going to be in a nightclub, you can go dancing. Of course you can go dancing. And you can drink at the bar, as long as you queue with a two-metre space. But there's crosses on the dance floor, and they're taped out in black and yellow tape, like in the co-op or after and you dance on that space like how does that you can't like if you are going to do social distancing how are british people and their like communal booze problem that we're all a part of and i've enjoyed my life

because of it how are you gonna be like right you're into clubs and bars. Stay away from each other. It's just not, it's not. I can see us being last to be let into. Hey, girl, can I buy you a drink? What do you want? Double? Do you want a double? A single? What mixer? What?

What? Turn that music down I can't hear you there's no music whatsoever it's really you really have to reach to try and finger someone

on a dance floor listen you're gonna have to meet me halfway here Beth come on come on speaking of fingering oh my goodness me if this is a proper segue

you're getting a round of applause go for it it really is. Speaking of fingering, I've got an idea. Oh, sorry, me missus is coming in. Oh, my goodness me. Jade! Did you think I was calling you?

Speaking of fingering, yes, dear? Speaking of fingering, you called. Jade! Fucking hell, Jade's up for it. All right. Yes, dear. Speaking of fingering, you called. Jade. Fucking hell, Jade's up for it. All right. Anyway, short pod today. Someone mentioned fingering. Oh, fucking hell, mate.

The W digits. For a new feature that's sort of been inspired by an email we got. So the new feature I want to do is breakup stories. I think you did one the other day about your fucking, your ex climbing out the window and fucking off to Newcastle, right? And someone emailed in about a story I used to tell on stage about a breakup I had.

He said it was the funniest thing he ever heard. He can't really remember the story properly and he wants me to tell it again on the podcast which I'll do in a minute. Oh, finger in. Oh, I have set you up beautifully. But, I think there's going to be loads

of people who listen to this who've had horrendous breakup arguments but there's a bit of humour in them. Do you know what I mean? That's what my one is. This is 100% true, right? So, me and my first long-term girlfriend who I mentioned the other day, I won't repeat her name because I don't want Sophie to listen and get

angry. You see what I did there? I said me, not the bitch! Yeah, so we were in a relationship and it was toxic as fuck. We just hated each other towards the end. And on the final night, we're having a relationship and it was toxic as fuck like we just hated each other towards the end and on the final night we're having

a proper proper argument right and then she went oh I just need sex we need to just have sex now and I was like sounds I'm happy with that because when I'm arguing I do just want it to go away a lot of the time so I was like okay we'll do that you were building up or you were at the peak

of the argument or was it on the way down where how early i can't really remember it can't have been at the peak but it was it was probably just past the peak when it's sort of fizzling out but it's still there yeah you can't bonk while you're still arguing like and you are a fucking no but that's not yeah you've got it's got to be sorted, sort of. The next day, we woke up, I'd stayed in her house, and she's like, come on, I'll drop you off at yours, I just need a day on my own. And we got in the car,

and then when we got in the car, she started, like, the breakup argument. Basically beat me to it, and I was like, she's like, we're just gonna, like, it's just, it's not working, we're just getting angry with each other and all that all the time and i was like yeah yeah yeah yeah and because i'm i can't help this once i feel like something's gone i'm just not asked anymore right so i was in no like i don't feel like there's anything to talk about i was in that situation

so i'm like right it's over's fine. She'll drop me off at my dad's. I'll come and get me stuff that I've left in here as a different day. And then it's all just done, innit? It's just over. It's not worth, like, crying about it in the car or going, please don't leave me because I want you to leave me. It's over, right? But because I was so nonchalant about it,

she wanted, she needed a fight. She needed an end of relationship fight, right right she couldn't handle the fact that i was just like yeah it's over and it just dropped me off she wanted some reaction she needed she needed a reason to go he said this and he said that not just well i said i wanted to break up and he went okay so she needed the fight right No, it's not okay. Hang on. You were dumping me. Well, now, hang on. What a bellend.

I'm just like, yeah, yeah, just drop us off. She's like, you've not got anything to say? You're not bothered about this? I was like, well, obviously I'm bothered. We've been together however long and it's never nice when you break up and that, but I'll be alright. I'm sure you'll be alright and be sound. She's like, I just feel like there's no emotion in you. It's like you're a sociopath. And I was like all right. I'm sure you'll be all right and be sound. And she was like, I just feel like

there's no emotion in you. It's like you're a sociopath. And I was like, no, I just, I've accepted that it's over. You obviously want it to be over. So just drop me off. And it's not worth

having a big fight and getting in a huff with each other about it. Is it like, I'm still going to be in the nightclub that you work in quite a lot. So we,

and I think I still work there at the time actually. I was like, so like, we're going to have to see each other and work. So it's better if we can just be amicable in it and just not the time actually. I was like, so, like, we're going to have to see each other and work. So it's better if we can just be amicable in it and just not have murder.

And she was like, yeah, but it just feels weird to me like this. And then she went, and this is, I swear to God, a direct quote. Do you know what? One thing I need to mention, actually, the way you fingered me last night made me feel like a slag. Now, when she said that, she was so serious, right? She wasn't saying

it as a joke, but she caught me so off guard that I burst out laughing. I couldn't breathe. She's going, do you think this is fucking funny? That I was made to feel like a slag by my boyfriend in my own fucking bed. Now I'm crying, laughing. I can't breathe.

You can't do that to someone. I can't breathe. It's like, you can't do that to someone. You can't make them feel that way. This is disgusting. I should be made to feel like a princess by my boyfriend. And I'm now in the fetal position in the footwell of the car. Tears streaming down my face. She's like, is this funny?

Is this funny? I was like, yeah. Because no one in the history of fingering has ever been fingering and thought, I feel like royalty right now, babe. This is really making me feel appreciated. Finger me like a princess. It's to start the engine, isn't it? Fingering is to make you feel a bit dirty. It's not meant to make you feel like a fucking goddess.

It's to make you feel like a fucking dirty bitch. That's why we do it. But you got back together and now you're married that relationship was so doomed it's unbelievable anyone any girl any and this isn't again it just because we're guys it feels like we're having a go-go's anyone you try and split up with is then starts the breakup you go do you know what it's a fair one and then takes fucking exception to the fact that it's gone too easily and starts a breakup argument just for their own fucking weird satisfaction is a massive twat flap

like how how how sam was that gonna be like do you know what this isn't working and you were like yeah no i don't think it was working she was like oh fuck you you fingered me in a way that made me feel dirty like what a dickhead have you ever been dumped have you mean like dumped us in i don't want it to happen yeah no i i've only ever had it go on jade's my third serious relationship right oh no like me and jade have got had big arguments in the past where like one of us has decided that it's over and two hours later it's not that's all bullshit if we get back together it's like null and void in it yeah no so there was my first one that i've just told you about that was literally our breakup argument we didn't really speak much after that and then um what are you laughing at just there

i could just imagine the next boyfriend comes along like a month two months three months down the line and he's like you know what I really like you and she's like right well what you need to know about me is look at me this is serious you know they're on like the the fourth date in revs or something like I just want you to know just put your cocktail down yeah I need to be fingered like a princess and he's like fuck another psycho yeah the second one we were it was a very

very complicated relationship she moved to London at one point and then we sort of stayed mates then she come back and we were going to give her another go and then she did something and I was just like I can't be arsed of this anymore. So I just fucked it off. I never, literally never spoke to her again. She rang me the next

day and was like, hiya, you alright? And I was like, why are you speaking to me normal? And she was like, I just feel like we just need to talk it out. And I was like, again, no, no, no we don't. It's over. Don't ever speak to me again. Delete my number. Fuck off. Put the phone down. I haven't spoke to her since. Oh mate, that's a beautifully aggressive, clean break.

I got dumped once. The only time I got proper, like, dumped, it wasn't me trying to work it round. I was like, oh, this is going all right. It was a girl called Amber that my sister worked with. I met her on my 30th birthday party. My sister was like, oh, we're going to a party in Manchester. My brother's having her 30th.

And she was like, do you know what? Can I come? And my sister told me about her, said she's a real character's kind of a couple years younger than you she lived in paris for a bit she's finished an art degree and now she's working at my work and whatever but she's going to go and be a teacher and as soon as i met her she's something about her and we went out for about six weeks got on some of the time but the rest of the time you could tell you know earlier doors where you're pissing each other off and you're like this isn't a good sign is it she also had a really weird tendency of like as she was describing things like trying to she grabbed the words out of the air which is one

of the more unusual things i've ever fucking seen so she'd be like it depends what you're talking about like oh do you know what i remember school school was great teachers and she'd like start grabbing at the words like she was actually trying to pull the memories off a fucking shelf in her head and the first time you say you see it you're like oh she's a character do you know i mean she's very she's very visual by that like people who talk with the hand but they're grabbing like they're getting something off a shelf but i've never i've literally never seen i've never seen it do it for multiple conversations. She was like, oh my God, let me tell you about school, like children, fun, you know, innocence, nostalgia.

And she's like grabbing at the air. And when you start bugging each other, that's the kind of shit that you, as you're like getting annoyed by each other, you're like, oh, that's fucking annoying, isn't it? How she just fucking grabs. Annoying, Dickhead. Grab. Grab. Nostalgia. Always ended with nostalgia.

So it wasn't working out, but I was like, you know what? She's fit. That's classic lad, isn't it? Like, yeah, I don't think we're going to make each other happy, but there's nothing in it, but she's fit. And I didn't see the dumping. She was like, can you come round?

I think we need to speak. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no worries. She sat down. She was like, listen, this has been on my mind for for a week or two my my head and my heart are in different places my heart's telling me yeah do you know what like not working out my head you're great we get on brilliant she's grabbing at things she was like I just think we should maybe just be friends and I was like all right cool yeah all right yeah let's just be friends that's fine so I was like all right that was an yeah alright, yeah, let's just be friends that's fine, so I was like, alright, that was an

amicable breakup on it, so that was I drove away, spoke to my mate Bondi classic mate like, you know your kind of mate he's the closest person in the world, but he's never nice about anything like this, like he's like my best mate, the guy I go to first but he's never

he's never very tolerant of this shit and I was like, told him the story i was like oh yeah we just agreed to split up so we've just it's like a mutual separation and i told him story and he went what i went yeah so i went around to hers and she went can we talk and she went we should just be friends and i totally agreed so it was mutual and he went what told the story again so i told him again he went you got fucking dumped you got fucking dumped I was like no no in my head I honestly didn't know I'd been dumped because I'd never been dumped before

I didn't know how it went I thought a dumping went I am ending it I thought a dumping was like I fucked someone else and I'm sick of your face grabbing at things like annoying slap head shit glasses, borderline stupid accents.

So I expected a dumping spot like that. I didn't know you could be fucking sucker punched by some like girl going, I think we should talk and be friends. I was like, yeah, I agree. He was like, you didn't get fucking,

I wasn't mutual. Have you not seen any film or any sitcom or anything? I've seen all the films. I've seen all the sitcoms i'm just so arrogant i'm like no one wants to dumb this guy i'm great fun i honestly didn't know i'd been she wants to be my friend she suggested it she basically asked me the question but it was if if i'd have said no she would have made it like a statement rather than a question and she went from wanting to have sex with me to want it's the

biggest dumping ever and it took bondy going you've been fucking dumped you've been fucking dumped she sat you down she said let's be friends you're a fucking idiot you agreed you got fucking done i was like i had to go no no no i'm not no i'm not no fuck i've been dumped haven't i i've been dumped and it just it took about it was like a day after i was like oh nasty bitch upset me you're just walking around just going oh do you know what women don't even need to fuck me to hang out with me like they they like my personality. I'm such a great guy. How? They love me. How can a guy this bald wearing such pedo glasses

be so arrogant to think no one would want to dump this fucking little Nordic keeper? Oh, dear. God bless him, Bondi. Didn't let me down, General. So if anyone else

has got stories along these lines, I've just got a feeling there's going to be some absolute doozies in there we want your break up stories your break up fights

what did you say what did they say if you did it again would you say it any differently get them in to have a word pod at gmail.com

and like the grandad the dead relative stories and grandad died and said something funny it does have to have that air of comedy it can't be like yeah so

I was with this person my fucking hit her with a lamp and she got back up and ran the fucking gardening fork right through me chest and at that point

I went ring me an ambulance and get the fuck out my house she's doing four to five for an attempted fucking murder

and I've got the kids and it's not you've got it you know slightly lighter than the normal like yeah I ate her up she dies alright thanks for emailing Kev

let's have a fucking word let's have a word from a sponsor I'd like to tell you about Trans Alloy Wheels Limited alloy wheel refurbishments car body work and customisation services in Leeds and throughout West Yorkshire. We are a well-trusted family-run business doing work for major companies such as Arnold Clark and Direct Line. We are passionate about our work. We thrive on perfection. This is a quote from a happy customer. Trans Alloy Wheels, and I'm deadly serious when I say it, is the best finish I've ever seen on a set of wheels.

Their attention to detail is commendable. We add value to your car at low cost with specialist trained technicians and the latest tech and experience. Using the same factory manufacturing techniques as the biggest car companies, we can repair the wheels as new finish. If you can't afford a new car because of the Rona, come and have your wheels colour changed or refurbed.

All Have A Word listeners will receive 25% off everything we do. And what we offer is powder coating, diamond cutting, painting, new tires, acid stripping and shot blasting, tire fitting and removal, well crack repairs and buckles, car body repairs, pickup delivery service and insurance work. We've got a 4.7 on the old Google review. We've got five star Facebook reviews. Find us on Facebook, Insta or online, that is Trans Alloy Wheels Limited ah thank you ok boys, let's do another feature

already would you rather do this or would you rather do that, make a decision but make sure you make one, cause Adam needs closure would you rather, no fucking about no prepping would you rather only ever be able to eat food using cutlery or never be able to use cutlery again

oh i love it on the face of it it's so innocuous but Adam's like oh that's what the shutdown has done to us like oh shit didn't realise we were going to get serious I think I'm using cutlery

it's easier to eat a pizza with cutlery than eat a curry with your hands in it what are you having? I'm having soup oh I hate watching daddy cornflakes What are you having? I'm having soup. Oh, I hate watching Daddy cornflakes.

It's not even the end of the bowl. Yeah, you can put up with being called a Tory for cutting your pizza with a knife and fork. Well, actually, now, hey, I'm not trying to sound like a Tory. I voted Lib Dem. That's as non-socialist as I've ever got.

But sometimes when you're on a date, pizza, cheese, tomato, grab it, nostalgia. I like a little knife and fork sometimes. With pizza? Yeah, if not the fucking local shitty takeaway. I like a little bit of a... I like a little knife and fork sometimes, you know? With pizza? Yeah, like, if not the fucking local shitty takeaway... I have more respect for you if you'd just gone, look, right, I'm not proud of this, but every now and then, once a year at maximum, I fuck a kid in the ass.

I would have more respect for you if you said that. Right, I don't think the judicial system sees that the same way. Yeah, well, the law is an... Order! Order! Order! Never mind about paedophilia. Order! You're a judge, sir, of using knife and fork in Pizza Express. I'm not saying

I get a knife and fork out for a fucking Papa John's like a twat. I'm saying out at Pizza Express, you've got a sloppy Giuseppe. Sometimes it doesn't fucking it doesn't always fold beautifully is your knife and fork at a restaurant

when you're trying to get laid, that's not a bad thing is it? you've never been trying to get laid by a Scouse girl have you? because if you whipped a knife and fork out for a pizza with a Scouse girl she'd tell you she's going the bog and then she'd ring you from the taxi and say let's be friends and I'd be like that was mutual that, that was mutual because i wanted to finish the pizza

on my own on your own yeah she said let's be friends and i wanted to returning she wasn't a date we're just friends actually it was a mutual decision i mean she's left a coat but we both decided that that was right and she's already blocked me on WhatsApp. And yeah, but that's mutual as well, because that's the friendship we're going to have. The ones where we never ever speak again. Yeah. The problem is there are some foods,

like you are, if you always got cutlery, like what are you going to do with crisps? Hang on. You've got to eat a bag of crisps. Does a straw count as cutlery. Like, what are you going to do with crisps? Hang on. You've got to eat a bag of crisps. Does a straw count as cutlery? I,

why, what are you going to do a straw for? Soup? Soup. If I can, if I can do curry and soup through a straw,

then I'll, I'll choose that one. Fucking hell. I bet it's been attempted. Yeah. I'd rather have like a stew through a straw than be. Grandad's been attempted I'd rather have like a stew through a straw

Grandad's been in a fucking vegetative state but he used to love a fucking chicken booner on a Sunday night at the local Bolty house so what we do at the hospital bed is we get them to deliver Fucking

That's it. If I can use a straw for me more watery foods, I think I'd rather go no cutlery. Also, you could if we're taking straw as cutlery, you could use straw for crisps. I mean, it is the biggest fat cunt move you've ever seen.

You'd have to grind up the crisps in the bag and then hoover them up with a straw like it was some fucking carbohydrate-based cocaine. I've had a few crisps for the fork here, haven't I? Yeah. I reckon I eat crisps more than I eat anything else. Yeah. Don't forget anyone listening went, really? Go on.

But like, yeah. What about a bag of sweets? You're going to look like a fucking ballad at the cinema with your pick and mix. I'm going to fuck on each pick and mix with a spoon. Daddy, what's that man doing? Fucking dying very slowly.

295 of fucking 100 grams. Oh, dear. I think you... I really think... You don't want to say it, but it's got to be cutlery on it. I don't know if I can have a straw. All right.

The old straw caveat. You love a fucking caveat in these games. Would you rather be in prison for a year and not fucking like Alcatraz or Death Row or anything, but also not one of those like really touchy-feely, you know, oh God, he did a little bit of tax evasion, but there's no gates, but they stay. So like Walton.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Walton. Like I fucking know what Walton is. Is Walton a prison? Yeah. Is it like a normal one? It's, like, there's a few murderers in that in there, but they haven't, like,

they haven't gone too far with it, do you know what I mean? Just, just like a light murdering. Like, a murder that you can understand, I think that's who goes there. Oh. Where they're like, oh, we see why you murdered them.

Talk me through that, Adam. What do you mean? Talk me through an understandable murdering. Oh. Like, you've come home and someone's shagging your missus. Oh, right. And you've murdered them because he's

shagging your missus. They put you in Walton rather than with the guys who just murder for the laugh you know what I mean like because there's different types of murder isn't there

there's people who've done it out of necessity and there's people who just do it like for sport and that do you know we were talking about the independent island of Liverpool

you know because I think a lot of Merseyside would like to just be blown off the side of the UK and you can have and then just like have a little bridge going across and that would be nice

I would love it if the judicial system sounded like that you done a murders you done a fucking murders but it's one of them alright murders do you know what I mean because he was banging your fucking Michelle and that's bang out of order and you fucked him to death with his own shoes and what

else you know that's not bad but this c and you fucked him to death with his own shoes, and what else? You know, that's not bad. But this cunt, he's having a fucking good time with it, so he's doing longer in a different place. Like, it did sound... I know what you meant, but it sounded really weird how you were, like, normalising it, like... No, but there's more understandable murders than some, isn't there? Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean. There's cunty murders, isn't there? Yeah, there's murders where you're like, oh, what have you done that for? And then there's murders where you're like, I get what you mean. There's cunty murders, isn't there? And then there's like... There's murders where you're like, oh, what have you done that for? And then there's murders where you're like, I get it. He's nicked.

He's nicked. He's nicked all my life savings. Yeah, well. You're going to get hit with a shovel then, aren't you? Do you kill someone? Do you reckon you could kill someone? What you're meant to say is... What you're meant to say is, I didn't know that i had it in me to

murder someone until i became her father until i became a father and then i knew for a fact that i could i'd stand in front of her and take a bullet but in reality like she tripped over the other day and fell flat on her ass and i was about a meter away and i didn't even fucking move so i don't even know if i'm going to have the instinct to get in front of the bullet, I'd be like ah fuck someone shot the fucking kid I watched a murder documentary with Jade a while back and Jade went

it's just mad isn't it that like some people have it in them to kill someone like I can't can you understand that and I was like I actually think it's a miracle there are not thousands of murderers every day in every city in the UK. Like, I have murderous thoughts

almost constantly. Yeah. And it's not... Constantly. Yeah. Like, I mean, it does, you know, when someone cuts me up in traffic, in my head I'm like, I hope you fucking

die. But I'm not, like, it's not constant. I don't wake up traffic, in my head, I'm like, I hope you fucking die. But I'm not, like, it's not constant. I don't wake up like, breakfast, murder. No, just breakfast. No, like, if someone cuts me up in traffic, I will think about it for like a week or two. Oh, I love it. I follow them sometimes.

On the way to yours, when I filmed the Hack Radio pod, the first podcast we did at your house last year, I followed a guy in a fucking truck for ages that's why i was late to yours because he fucking cut me up and he nearly killed me in a fucking massive truck and i followed him and to be honest with you if if he wasn't going to like fucking north wales or wherever he was going if i could have followed them and not ruined the rest of my day i might might have killed him. I love it, how you have a distance on vengeance. That's amazing. Listen, if you cut me up, I will follow you

and I will rip your fucking arms off and shove them up your... Oh, hang on, that's the bloody... That's the M56. I'm not going there. That's the Welsh border. Bloody hell. I'm not driving into Flintshire to kill someone.

You can't kill someone in the country. They didn't commit the crime in yeah i do i if i had i saw someone drop a whole bag of fucking mcdonald's rubbish out of his seat white seat abitha just out of nowhere i just saw it slow down i was jogging one night this is a few years ago i just saw this cunt arm come out of the car and drop all of the mcdonald's in the road and just drive off now i don't shut up dickhead and i understand people litter but that is such a bell-end level of littering i had murderous thoughts that's how that made i drink too much coffee i know it but i was thinking about following the car finding out where he lived putting a brick and then i was like i'd love to i just oh my god

just about litter. And it's not real. I know you're never going to do it, but you can understand how someone would, say someone stole your life savings or did something like, or fucking hit your kid with a car. Keep it light. If I'm getting so wound up about a fucking chicken selects meal and a large fries packet being thrown out,

and that went round my head, and I can still remember it vividly now. Imagine the rage inside you when something actually proper happens. You can sort of understand it. For example, if I was walking my dog, and someone, like the dog ran in the way of a load of lads playing footy. And there's this lad who's like, get that fucking dog out the way, and he kicked me dog.

In the skull. Absolutely. It would take someone to stop me killing him. A hundred percent. The dog would have to pull you back, like, leave it there. Yeah. Do you reckon you ended up killing that kid, right? There's loads of witnesses.

You've been fingered, right? In a legal sense. And and they and it goes to court goes to liverpool the judge are they like listen someone fucking booted your dog in the head lovely little dog they're showing pictures of the exhibit a picture of minnie right well you did fucking kill the guy right do you reckon that's a sound murder yeah yeah that's an acceptable yeah i reckon i'd get like three months for that i think you know judge grinder or whatever he's called oh it's rinder in it and judge judge is it judge judy did you just get mixed up with that because

he's gay yeah and you know that gay people use the grinder did they do that on purpose did they do that on purpose you deserve a bombing within 50 meters i think i hope this tv opportunity that you were talking about was you being some form of just judge because i'd love to see you lay down fucking scouse law scouse law uh what's may i'm not even joking there's the whole judicial system in the just be twitter since i've been doing this podcast with you i see so much of scouse twitter and scouse twitter does not fuck about no it does not does not. Like a fucking pack of hyenas, man. Right. Would you rather be in prison for a year, normal prison,

you have to do the full 12 months, normal visitation, but a year of your life as you are now at 28 is gone, or lose five years of your life at the end? Five years at the end? You didn't even think about that, Adam. No. The last five years of your life,

especially if you're as unhealthy as I am, are going to be shit, aren't they? Honestly, what number do you put on yourself here? Just being realistic, you know. I reckon I'm getting to between 70 and 80. Do you? probably don't eat fucking crisps with a

straw I reckon so let's say it's 77 I'd take 72 rather than go to prison now but yeah I have to admit

if you what number would you be happy would you if I gave you 77 now yeah I'd probably take 77

I've done a bit 77's enough innit I've done drugs 80 plus is a fucking nightmare I think you're just waiting to shit yourself

and someone else wipes your ass for you as long as you've not ragged the fucking engine out I reckon 80 to 80 as long as there's I've ragged the engine out by the time

I'd done me GCSEs he's had a bad childhood his life expectancy is 40 he's not even done the engine out by the time I'd done my GCSEs. He's had a bad childhood. His life expectancy is 40 years. He's not even done his fucking A-level. I drank to the point my mate thought I was dead when I was 11. This is over, Daniel, and it has been for a long time. I think 77 is a result then, isn't it?

Yeah. I think of all the fucking pills I did and all the nights I stayed up. I reckon 77 would be amazing. I want to die in the winter just after a World Cup. So I get one last World Cup in. I love watching the World Cup.

So I want to have one last World Cup in before I die. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. And I suppose as an England fan it would make sense wouldn't it

like we've got fucked out of the quarter finals I'm not arsed about England but I love watching the World Cup because it's fussy

if we won the World Cup you'd definitely be arsed you wouldn't be like oh I'm Irish and Scottish descent no I wouldn't be that bothered yeah you would

no I wouldn't what if Alexander-Arnold played right back, Milner was like, playing, yeah? I'd be happy,

but I tell you what, England winning the World Cup would matter less to me than Liverpool winning the FA Cup. Yeah, everyone knows that.

We all know that you can't compare Liverpool. Liverpool getting a draw, I thought a fucking three points, wherever,

would be more than the World Cup. What if Stephen Gerrard was the manager of England? Oh, fuck you. No, it wouldn't. Stevie G. It doesn't make a difference. Stevie G. It doesn't make a difference. Stevie G. I'm just not

that bothered by England. I don't like international football a lot. I like the concept of the World Cup and that it's football in the summer when club football isn't happening. But I hate every international break that breaks up

the Premier League season and stuff. I love football, but I'm just not, I don't feel a massive connection to England as the national team. I just,

I want them to win it, but I like, I'm not, like when we lost to Croatia last year, like the second the game was over, game was over I was over it

when Liverpool lost in the final to Real Madrid it took me months to get past that alright so you support Liverpool you say

alright I don't know why you didn't mention it yeah what if you what yeah because it's easy innit

I think that is essentially how most young people live. Like, I know this isn't good, but fuck it. I want to have a great night out tonight. I'll bash this up my nose and I'll take a few years off. Yeah. Would you rather have all traffic lights you ever drive through be green? Oh, that one.

Don't need to hear the second one. That. For the rest of your life. Or have unlimited personal spending at Tesco or any supermarket that you choose. You can just choose one supermarket. You never, ever have. You can't buy loads of TVs and sell them on eBay.

All the shit you ever need, grocery-wise, Tesco-wise, is free for life or you just get to sell through green lights. Traffic lights. Defo. I earn, normally, when we're allowed to gig and stuff, a nice, decent, comfortable living

that has steadily gone up over the past few years and I don't need to worry about buying groceries and stuff. I'm okay. I can buy enough food to live on. So I don't mind that at all. I love my job. Got a fairly good life when we're allowed out.

I don't mind that. One of the love my job. Got a fairly good life when we're allowed out. I don't mind that. One of the veins of my life is driving towards a light that's on green and one car in front of you gets through and then I get stuck at red. Getting stuck at traffic lights is the bane of my life. I fucking hate it. So it

drives me mad. Especially, do you know when you're doing a double and then you've got two gigs and like, let's say you're on first at the Frog and Booker Comedy Club in Manchester and you're on last at Hot Water Comedy Club in Liverpool. You've got essentially 40 minutes to do a 38-minute journey and stopping at two traffic lights can fuck it up completely and then the club get pissed off that you were late for the gig.

Whenever I have to do that double, every light changes to red for me. It's like it fucking knows where I'm going and how time constrained I am. And my time anxiety goes through the fucking roof, mate. Every comedian in the country.

Green lights all day over groceries. I'll happily pay me way for me stuff, but just let me get where i've gotta fucking go the worst traffic lights as we all know are the temporary traffic lights that some cunt hasn't timed properly and you can see where the other there's like roadworks it goes into one lane and you can see the other traffic light and you know it's like oh yeah we'll do a minute on and then a minute off and you're like there's no one else here there's no one else here there's no one else in you let you i've just want to fucking do it and you know that if you do it you'll be the bell and there's

like an articulated lorry speeding slider that just comes over the brow and you're like fuck i uh they're the worst more than that you know when you get to like a a dual carriageway junction yeah and there's traffic lights and it's like two in the morning and it's on a cycle of traffic lights and like the green man's across the road and it puts it on the green man so there's no traffic going anywhere but there's not a fucking cunt in sight

and there hasn't been for three hours because it's two o'clock in the morning on a fucking Wednesday. Do you know that? I swear to God, I get homicidal. When that was happening happening if a guy walked past and was like hey by the way thanks for using me traffic lights i invented them i'd run them

over and i would feel no remorse whatsoever but that's the that one who's like oh just fuck it there's no there's no cameras it'll be fine as soon as you go through come it's two in the morning there's no traffic out of nowhere the fucking blue lights start flashing like, were you waiting in the bus, you cunt? Oh, jeez. The last one's really weird. Would you rather spend a year living as a shark, a whole year

living as a shark, or six months as a pigeon? I mean, this is easy, isn't it? It's a year as a pigeon I mean this is easy it's a year as a shark it's a bit dark underwater isn't it no but they've got like they can see

can't they can they like they've got like lights in their eyes and that like well not lights but you know what I mean okay now

hey this guy was good at maths at school but I'm not sure he concentrated in biology Yeah well known fact Sharks have got fucking LEDs in their eyes That's why they're such good killing machines Like fucking

But sharks know where they're going is what I mean Even though I was a shark When it was night time And the sun went down I'd be like Bloody hell it's a bit scary just seeing it No but the only thing to be scared of is yourself and sharks don't need to be sharks that's so true you'd have to be a fanny of a shark to be like oh it's scary in the world there might be sharks of course there's sharks you are

a shark sorry yeah my bad apparently dolphins can smash a shark's heads in can't they dolphins batter sharks like on the reg i don't't think on the reg. Great whites and dolphins. It's not like if you one on one there's going to be trouble. I think the dolphins are like cool gang members like let Thor do it. Yeah, yeah. But like dolphins only do that if you piss them off. Like a shark

will fucking go for something because it's a shark whereas a dolphin's quite sound. But if you piss the dolphin off then it gets boys around dolphins aren't that sound they actually they're one of the mammals that are known to basically hold females hostages and gang rape them yeah but like i mean the sound to other species all right cool i can't believe you just literally brushed over that like oh yeah yeah yeah dolphins are a bit rapey but they are sound though aren't they apart from the all

rape they yeah dolphins aren't as sound as everyone thinks everyone's like oh my god dolphins are amazing they're just so incredible and they're friendly to humans well they're not that nice to women they're horrific I have a little dolphin toy that I used to take in the bath with me when I was a kid what did he do to you

Adam did some really advanced role play he answered nothing what do you mean no fucking twisted kid stop playing dolphin gang

rape in the bath Adam alright yeah I'd love to live as a shark for a bit. Imagine that, getting to see all the... There's bits of the ocean humans have never been to. You know, I'd go there. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Would you eat a human? What? Would you eat a human? Well, sharks don't like to taste a human, do they? No, but you are still you as a shark. They say that, don't they? They say sharks don't like to taste a human, do they? I know, but you are still you as a shark. They say that, don't they? They say sharks don't like the taste of human, but I reckon it's probably

like coriander. Some sharks like it and some don't. Do you know what I mean? Actually, I think... Humans are an acquired taste for sharks, but they reckon most sharks bite into a human and then spit it straight out. That's why humans get killed by sharks,

but it's very rare that their bodies aren't recovered. I think as a shark, it would really suit your personality to just go and hang out in Australia, nice warm waters, and you could just wait as you're swimming around for a fucking surfer to cut you off and then all of that rage would come up,

all of that murderous rage from motorway driving and then you'd actually be able to bite the fucking head off yeah I'd love being a shark for a year and then I'd

I'd still have those memories wouldn't I when I come back to being a human yeah yeah yeah yeah I'd just be walking around going here you are

like go to science and go hey you know that thing you've been worried about like down there it's sound mate it's being there

being there not Been there. Not on there, lad. You're Sal. What a way to get sectioned. I have just lived as a shark for you. The first few days back would be a bit weird, where Jade was like, are you all right? And you were like...

It goes weird in the bath. Oh, that was a strange one. Yeah, but you'd get to fly, but then it's the shittest bird, innit? Yeah. You'd be like, I'm flying, but I'm a knobhead. Like, I don't know why that was... It's not a seagull.

That was such an easy would you rather, because it was, being a shark's good, and you got to do that for a year. Being a pigeon's shit, and you only got six months of that. I hate this sea. That's why I think I, you know, I didn't... You wouldn't if you were a shark, would you?

Oh, no. It's still horrible and cold, isn't it? No. Flying would be good, but you'd still be a fucking shitty pigeon. Everyone would be like, oh, this dickhead. Yeah, but being able to deep sea dive and breathe under the water. Oh. You could go anywhere as well.

You could go wherever you want. You'd literally get to see things that no other human will ever see. If you're a pigeon, what are you going to go and see? The fucking... The liver buildings. You could go and shit on Old Trafford. Ah, you didn't think of that? What?

I did that anyway. Just shitting me on them for a wee. Oh, Adam. I did the dolphin rape bit, but that's too far. It's what it's... I can already shit at Old Trafford but I can't go deep sea diving in the coral reef

yeah yeah yeah there's the no context have a word from this one okay I'll tell you who's looking forward to hearing our weird comedy stylings it's Vauxhall Comedy Club

it is yeah now then everyone let's have a quick word looking forward to hearing our weird comedy stylings. It's Vauxhall Comedy Club. It is, yeah. Now then, everyone, let's have a quick word about Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London town. Now, obviously, there is a fucking pandemic going on. No one's going comedy for a while. But as soon as they are, if you live anywhere near

London, if you're down visiting in London, and you fancy some stand-up, some of the best comics in the world will be playing Vauxhall Comedy club which is surprise the fucking prize in voxel so basically they've helped the podcast out massively by sponsoring it in our time of need and when we're out of the fucking bunker when we do our first live tour of this podcast the have a word show for london will be at the voxel comedy club if you're down there and you fancy seeing some stand up after the apocalypse, give Vauxhall Comedy Club a try.

In the meantime, give them a follow on Instagram at Vauxhall Comedy Club, on Twitter at Vauxhall Comedy, and on Facebook they're just

Vauxhall Comedy Club. Join the mailing list so they can tell you when they're reopening and what they're doing. It's VauxhallComedyClub.com Adam's already played

this room. I'm really looking forward to playing it. They do a bottomless booze ticket on a Friday and Saturday night you get 90 minutes of stand-up excellent TV comedians up-and-coming talent and also bottomless beer and wine

there's a spirit and mixer ticket for 35 quid there's just entry for 10 be a good egg give them a little follow and we'll see you there after all this shit has blown over Voxel Comedy Club that's it.

You are listening to the funniest podcast in the game. It's Have a Word with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. Okay, that was Vauxhall Comedy Club, ladies and gentlemen. We are back and it's time for Have a Word with Adam and Dan. Send us the problems you have with your friends. Got one here from Owen Jones. You ready for this, Daniel? He sounds Welsh, doesn't he?

But I don't win. Well, he's not. He's from Ireland. Oh, yeah, you know, it's a lovely part of Wales. So, how's it going, lads? I'm Owen Jones, and i'm 18 from ireland i would like you guys to have a word with a couple of thousand 17 slash 18 year old cunts strong start i am in my leaving cert year which i believe is similar to the gcses which is the

exam that gets us into college. So he's basically in his equivalent to year 11, right? Yeah. The exams are supposed to be held in June, but the government has moved it to August slash September due to the lockdown. A lot of people my age were outraged by this decision because they are selfish twats. A lot of them have been sending emails to the government,

writing essays all over Facebook, making videos of them crying, in brackets, the girls, and getting petitions signed to try and get their predicted grades. Like many others I know, predicted grades would not get me into college, but being able to put four hard months of work in before the exam would. The only people who want to do this are people who aren't going to college anyway, or the predicted grades would get them in. So they're too fucking lazy to study for the exams, and they don't want the new scheduled date to clash with them going on holiday with their mates. They just want a freeway into college. They're exploiting the virus and saying things like they're scared for their lives, and that the stress of having to study during the pandemic

will cause them mental health problems. If these fuckers get what they want, then me and thousands of other people will have to resit the whole year. It'll cost us around 8,000 euros to do that because it'll have to be done privately. I'm living in a disadvantaged area going to a disadvantaged school. This would fuck me and my mates and probably

thousands of others who want to go to college over just because some little emotional twat are being selfish. Have a word. Cheers, lads, from Owen Jones in Ireland. Whoa. I tell you what, for an 18-year-old, you can see a future in... He's got an aggression that I

think I really warm to, but when I was 18, I couldn't have articulated all of that shit enough. You know, like, I would have got bored of the email about a third of the way through. But his email was largely incoherent, so I've restructured a lot of that shit enough you know like i would have got bored of the email about listeners but his email was largely incoherent so i've restructured a lot of that all right good i was like god he's really got a uh a clarity of thought there that's um like owen will have listened to that first thing god i didn't quite say it like that and i've got yeah because i've just took all the salient

points out and put it in a more that's fine though, that's absolutely fine the guy's angry, the young man's angry what do you think? I agree with him anyone who's like no because I can't because no because I've got to go away and I'm also

going to festivals, well you're not and you're potentially not going on holiday i think everyone has got a sort of it's really difficult because i don't know that individual circumstance but it's like anything if you do something that's been delayed or stopped in theory there is going to have to be a change to the schedule when we all come out of it we can't come out of this and be like well that's missed you've missed all of that and now we've started the next year or and now we're doing this or you've missed out sorry like there will have to be some rescheduling of stuff i do understand that are you telling me that if you were 17 years of age right now and you were about to do your exams to get into sixth form or to get into university

or whatever, right? And you were predicted to get A's across the board. For the last six months you've been fucking around, you haven't been listening, you wouldn't be trying to take sneaky advantage of this because I fucking would, mate. If I knew I was predicted A's and I could get

out of doing the exam and just get A's across the board, I would be making every fucking petition I could, every video of me crying, going, I've got mental health problems. I would be that whining fuck. So do you know what? I've got a little compromise that I think works for this one. I think they should get the choice. You can either have your predicted grades or you can do the exam in september or whenever

it comes around and i think that rewards both people if you've been a dick for five years and being fucking sick as fucking class and they've gone right you're gonna get d's across the board the predicted grades they don't just pluck them out their ass they're based on previous performance so if you're predicted badly you can still go no i feel like i'm better than that now i want to do the i've been holding it up for the last bit i've been holding back for the last bit yeah yeah you can still do your exam but if you're predicted a's you can go do you know what i was expecting to do that in june i'm not fucking doing it in september go fuck yourselves give me me a i think that's fair yeah maybe i mean it in theory, it's quite a fair option. But I think universities and colleges will be like,

yeah, but doesn't that mean everyone just gets fucking in? So the people in suits get in because they're like, well, I was predicted. And the people who haven't got any good predictions are like, right, shit, I've got to work. I mean, doesn't it? Predicted grades are often quite accurate. So it'll probably just end up about right anyway.

Mate, I got a great predicted grade for theatre studies and I fucking hoofed it into the ground so hard. I was predicted an A, completely fucked up my final exam, got a D, went to get my results, I got two Bs and a D, and my theatre studies teacher did not pull any punches and he went, well, Daniel Nightingale, you are the disappointment of the year

fucking hell and i knew it and the worst thing was i knew it i'd fucking done nothing for the exam oh what a bell end and if you you want to rise into us and nominate any of your friends as Disappointments of the Year, then email that in to haveawaited at gmail.com. What a line! The Disappointment of the Year. Enjoy your night out. Very similar, and this is going to make me sound like such a fucking nerdy

dick, but I was predicted an A star in maths at GCSE, and I got an A. I was about three points short of getting an A star and I got called in for a meeting because the school were pissed off wow they were like look we were actually relying on you to bring

our scores up and you should have been getting an A star Adam you're a very naturally gifted mathematician and you've clearly let yourself down here haven't you and I was like lad I got an A shut the fuck up once I make it to sixth form these don't matter anymore anyway I don't I'll be honest i'm not sure a whole load of our listeners totally related to that story oh yeah i totally agree with you so i remember when my uh when my school brought me in and was like oh dazzle we really wanted an a star but it turns out did you just call our entire

listenership thick mate I'm in with them no no one ever went A star to just an A I fucked in I hoofed an A to a D and quite rightly got called a bellend are you happy with my decision there

I think you've been really good I think you'd be great as a judge in the Merseyside the independent island of Liverpool in their judicial system and I also think you were quite fair handed there as well but I think reality is everyone who's sat on their arse pretending that coronavirus is the reason they can't fucking revise

is talking shit so pull your fucking finger out and get ready for some slightly later exams. But we wanted to thumb her in France. Well, it's not going to be safe anyway. Get your fucking pens out. Pens. Pens.

I'm so old. Get your pens out. Might as well have been chalkboard. Get your pencil, your sharpener, your half red, half white rubber and get ready to do some revision. Now, we're going to do the works of

William Shakespeare. Long division! We'll need the bar, haven't we? The bar, the bard. Alright, I think that's a pod, because we've stopped talking normally. Adam, my love, that is us back on form.

Tell you what, he's back, baby. He's done a bit of tidying. I've walked around the woods. We're back, baby. Got a song for you, lad. Today's band is called Parma Luca. So it's P-A-L-M-A and then L-O-U-C-A. They're fucking brilliant. The song is called Billion.

They're fantastic. Do go and check them out. This is Palmer Luca with Billion. Thanks to our sponsors, BF52.com, Voxel Comedy Club, and Transolay Wheels from Yorkshire. And of course,

everyone who has signed up to our Patreon page. You make this shit possible and we'll see you tomorrow. See ya. Why did the light turn us? Take a look. Some place could lighten the children I'm hiding today Far, far away from here In a brand new millennium All I know I'm missing here There's almost a failure

People would like to see You've lost your mind now You've lost your mind now This lonely way we'd rather be It's a little time now It's a little time now Right now Fear with a friendly face Thank you. Unstable rations have farmed with daydreams taken Far away from here

In a brand new millennia All I know I'm a speed And there was almost a billion People would like to see Mae'n debyg bod yna fwyd o'r cyfnod. Mae'n debyg bod yna fwy o fywyd. Mae'n debyg bod yna fwy o fywyd. Mae'n debyg bod yna fwy o fywyd. Mae'n debyg bod yna fwy o fywyd. Mae'n debyg bod yna fwy o fywyd. Mae'n debyg bod yna fwy o fywyd. As the shadow passes through those trees

And it all falls down on you It can feel like time's just starting to heal We know, Yeah we know it's all on you It's never the light to see You've lost your mind now You've lost your mind now There's nowhere we'd rather be

It's all your time now It's all your time now It's all your time now