Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #322 with James McCann - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: March 30, 2025

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comDan's Anthems: https://www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Liverpool/Content/DANS-ANTHEMS---HAW-Dance-All-Dayer-4pm---10pm/40595747/Comedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's Karaoke Party: https://skiddle.com/e/40472096Listen to Finn's new single 'Cherry': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/CherryAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Sneak Energy | https://www.inflcr.co/SHHVlFuel different, drink Sneak.Manual | https://manual.coGet 45% discount on the initial at-home testosterone blood test kit with code: WORD45Merch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. You know what that bell means, don't you Dan? Start of another brilliant have a word episode. Whoa, yes. And ring a bell if you've got the best Patreon in the UK. Patreon.com slash Have A Word pod.

If you're going to enjoy this episode, you are going to love being a patron. 30,000 lids, can't be wrong. For as little as three pounds a month, you get an exclusive episode every Wednesday. You also get early release of the video on a Saturday morning and then the specials call. So many specials. We've been around the world baby. I'm back. We've got drunken here and then we've been around the world. India, America, Amsterdam, Spain, we're going to Turkey. We're going to see the whole of the world and you can come along with us for just £3.

That is cheaper than a layer pack. Sign up and join the LID Army. Also, we're on a stand up tour, the Murderers Row stand up tour. There are a few tickets available in the remaining venues. So have a look at have a word pod dot com where you can buy tour merch. Also, if you like extra content on top of your extra content, we give you that. We've got film club Q&A's, all kinds. And me and Harry Robinson, I've got the sickest new podcast on the block, which is you that. We've got film club, Q&A's, all kinds. And me and Harry Robinson have got the sickest new podcast on the block, which is Mad That.

I've got a dance event in April, April the 20th for Dan's Anthems. DanNightingale.com for that. Adam's got some live shows coming up. There's loads of chances to see us, but it all funnels through the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Have A Word Pod. This episode, as well as many others like it, is an absolute belter. Three quid. You look good today. Thank you. I love you.

A lot of people say we don't get on an episode, but as soon as we're doing adverts, we're best friends again. Come here, you. Come here. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have Our Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Is anybody else having a cunt of the morning?

Well when you schedule in business like meetings for 8.30am? 9am. 9am. You really are going to set the day off on a fucking cunty sort of trajectory. Obviously at this place, at the Palace of Hume as we call it. Wow. Like the Dates of Dreams. We don't. We Huma, as we call it. Like the Dazed of Dreams. We don't. We never have done, but we do now.

At the Palace of Huma, we're normally in, normally, 10.30, 11 o'clock. Ten well, 10.30. So we normally miss rush hour traffic. So in your head you think, hey, and it's a 15 minute drive from where I live to here. Are you about to say, hey, maybe rush hour traffic isn't a thing anymore. I haven't engaged in it. Maybe everyone's just agreed to not do it. Well, I just thought half eight to get into town for nine. I thought that'd do the fucking job. No, no. Left at half eight was late for me meeting. Hey, it happens, we're all human.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? And they're for you. You know what I mean? They're there for you. So I had this meeting with, I'm in the process, the cat will be sort of, I mean, it's out the bag now, I've put it on Patreon.

I'm in the process of developing a TV show and I had to have a meeting about the pilot, right? Classic. Anyway, we're having some problems with that. Also, my mortgage advisor has just called me and said that because there's a very complicated issue that I barely understand what my latest set of accounts is like essentially, that's like,

it'll still go through, gonna be fine. But your options are basically either we add five years to your mortgage to keep the rate the same, to keep the monthly fee the same, or we fix it in for five years instead of two, which means that you're supposed to pay more for longer. Bit of a nightmare, it's a fucking nightmare, it is what it is. What did you pick? I just told him whatever he thinks is best, you know, because I don't understand that I've like just do the thing like you do it because I just don't know how to do this thing. And then as I was parking me car today, I've had a scratch on the right side of my car for a little while now.

But I think I've really finally got the impetus to get that fixed because on the left side, which was currently completely clear, I did a drive into a ballad in the Kupach and did some, uh, was it your fault? A ballad or a supporting wall? That's not a ballad. Supporting wall. Yeah. Let me see that. I mean, you're not going to necessarily see it properly from there. It doesn't look nice. No, you can put it in here. That's an owie. And then as I was coming into the studio just then, when you all were in here, you were like, oh, we're going to our pod.

And I finished up sending an email and then I picked me coffee up to bring it in here. And the lid came off. So that's why it's in this and not in its... Prez a manger! I think you're doing pretty well though. Your mood seems chipper. to bring her in here and the lid came off. So that's why it's in this and not in it's I think you're doing pretty well though. Your mood seems chipper. You're not letting it get you down. Do you know what it is?

Go on. Genuinely, I want- You're in the palace of fun. I'm in the palace of humor. Humor, sorry. And after like three things in a day go wrong, I just become like quite zen about it. Yeah.

I'm just like- I'm waiting for the third thing. Yeah, today's become like quite Zen about it. Yeah. I'm just like, yeah. I'm waiting for the third thing. Yeah, today's dog shit. It is what it is. I've got a gig tonight to hot water. Someone will probably heckle or get booted out or I'll have a scrap or something. And it is what it is, you know, it's fine.

We're all happy. We're all healthy. Is there anything you could find out in the next sort of few hours that would, you know, that rule of three, which sounds like a great rule. If three shit things have happened, nothing can make me feel worse.

Surely there's a, you know what I mean? Sal has gone with Trent. With Salah and Van Dyke. Oh yeah, and that was yesterday, yeah. Trent, I sort of read that on the way in his, again, Trent's gone, fully gone. Yeah, no more farm again for you, hey Trent? That was the only thing keeping him as well.

Fucking all he posts about on Instagram mate. Oh, I was a shout out to Farmergeddon. Someone's going to have to give me a bit of context on Farmergeddon. I had a bit of a tirade against Trent on the internet, because he said nothing about Zoe's Place, to protect his social media, and then went to Farmergeddon during the Zoe's Place campaign protect his social media. And then went to farm again during the Zoe's Place campaign and took selfies and was like, shout out to farm again for sorting

me and my brother out with free farm again tickets. Right. And a little bit more context because I don't know what farm again is. It sounds like an agricultural fair. It's, it's a farm in Ormskirk. Closed there. They're all farms in Ormskirk. And around Halloween time you can go and they have like out of work actors who dress up as like Freddy Krueger and come out and go, yeah, chase you on the farm with chainsaws and stuff. It's scary. It's scary. It's genuinely scary.

Yeah. Even though you know the chainsaws aren't real. Yeah. And also the actors can't actually touch you. So, so now sometimes they do. I just wouldn't be scared. No, they shouldn't be touching you. Oh here we go Harry's been abused by an out of work actor. Oh they do they pin you down and touch you on your specials. They shouldn't be touching you ever. They know the face stroking thing because they're all dressed as clowns and they all like do that.

They lick you a little bit is that what you're saying? They won't kiss you. Maybe I've got the premium experience then. I've definitely been touched. You sure that was far more Gavin? That's what altar boys say as well. I got the premium experience. I'm more holy. More holy, more bum holy mate. Hey, hold your ass. We had a good weekend though, didn't we?

I think that's why you're all right, because you're flying mate. Also genuinely. Oh, here we go. This fucking- Fucking hell. That NMN shite that I've started taking, I'd be a placebo. I'm finding it a lot easier to get up in the morning.

I've got more... Pep. Yeah, genuinely. Yeah. Nice. Like, I wake up and I'm like, let's get up. I've never been that guy though, ever. It was a pretty full-on weekend. I've never been this busy in, ever. It was a pretty full on weekend.

I've never been this busy in my entire life, you know, it's driving me insane, but also I kind of thrive in chaos. You do thrive on it. Yeah. Yeah. You do well on it. Can I give my headline away? Finn, I don't know if anything happened to you on this weekend that anyone really cares about. What happened?

I met Noel Gallagher. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Do yeah. Oh yeah. Do you know how cute you were about that? The important thing is you didn't like mention it. I think he did all right, did he not? In the actual situation, I think I did very well. It was the two hours before and following.

Outside of the situation, he was a mess. When it happened, he was cool. So we went to see Shane Gillis on Sunday and Shane Gillis being very fucking sound and very good at comedy is playing the arena, the O2 arena in London town where we'd been all weekend for Murderers Row, the Hackney Empire. If you were down there, thanks so much for coming down. You were classed, the show was classed. Hackney Empire is great fun to play. The O2, I mean you're going to make more money, it looks a bit less fun to play. The 02, I mean, you're gonna make more money. It looks a bit less fun to play.

I don't know, you know. I don't know. They didn't, I got the vibe that they'd have all enjoyed the Hackney Empire a bit more. Yeah, maybe, but yeah. It is a reality of being one of the one or two biggest names in comedy in the world at the moment. And sort of sweet, He boxed us off.

That was a nice touch, wasn't it? Yeah. Lovely. And then because we were in the suites, we got the triple A passes for the backstage because Shane's a comics comic and he knew you were there, your mates with him. He's also been on here. Super sound. Bring your pals down. He said, great. We all went down. And also in the backstage area, waiting for a lift to go down to the dressing room was Noel Gallagher. Who is one half of. And he's the lead singer of. The Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds.

Yeah, the High Flying Birds. She's got a big gig this summer, doesn't she? A couple of them for Oasis. Oasis, yeah. You forgot about that. So, Finn, on clocking him, cause we were just waiting for a lift. We need to go back. Oasis. Oasis. Yeah. You forgot about that. Oasis. So, Finn, on clocking him, because we were just waiting for... We need to go back.

We need to rewind a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what had happened was... You don't know about this bit. You do know about this. What? So, on Thursday, so we were... Sunday with Shane Gillis in London, Friday and Saturday's Hackney Empire.

Thursday last week, I opened for Shane in Manchester and we went for a drink afterwards. I forgot to use a bypass. Shane was like, oh, one of Oasis are coming down Sunday. And I was like, well, it'll be Noel. It just will be, cause he's a big like comedy fan. Where did you meet him? At Jesselnick.

That's it. And when I met him at Jesselnick, he sort of knew who I was sort of thing, cause his daughter, I think watches our clips. I don't know that she's a podcast fan, but I think she watches the clips and has shown him a couple of bits. And obviously if he's a comedy fan,

he's gonna be sort of aware anyway. So I was like, oh, it'd be Noel and Shane was like, yeah, I think it is him. So I knew he was going. So on the tube, I forget how mental and adorable and space idiot Finn is with this sort of stuff. So we're on the tube and I'm just sat next to Finn and I was like, Oh, by the way, Noel Gallagher is going tonight.

You probably meet him. And that's just as casual as I said it. And Finn was like, what have you done? Like, I'm not even going to be able to listen to a word Shane or any of the openers are saying now. I just- Shit his pants. Like he just went into like,

he just completely disassociated with the day and was silent and just looking through like the back of people's heads and stuff. And then when we got there and they were like, here's your tickets. And they were in a suite and AAA. I went to Finn, cause like now I want to have fun with it.

I was like, he'd probably just be in the suite with us. And he was actually in the very next one. I don't really- Was he? I was looking for him. Yeah, he was in the very next one. I was Claude McAleally in it all night. I gotta play it cool in the suites. I would have done, and I did when I met him.

What, you're leering around to see who's in the next round of walls? He doesn't know that. Right. Well, he will if he sees you. He's an old Gallagher. Everyone looks at him. Yeah, that's a famous thing. So we then all...

Very famous. After the show, we get a beer and we think we'll go down, we'll go backstage and say hello to the boys and girls and trans and we go to get the lift. Which is the only way down, big lift, but there's a big queue for it. Yeah. At this point as well. I'm like, Oh, it's not happening. He given up. He went, I've text me mates and I look like a knob. It's not happening. I'd literally say that's Carl 30 seconds earlier. And then 10 seconds later, Steve walks towards us and points a finger

goes, you're going to fucking shit yourself. And then he went, Oh, I am. And then just turn around and looked at the way. Cause he couldn't look at him in the eyes like it was Medusa. Adam, you did a really good job. You sort of, you made the, you made, you saw the past, didn't you? Well, I just, he was dead sound when I met him the first time,

which I know is not like maybe what he wants is reputations with me, because you know, some people like sort of act like he's like a proper diva and stuff, but he, that's just not been my experience the two times I met him. And so he's just standing there with his missus. And I just went over and was like, you're all right, lad.

And initially, like as he turns around, he's like, oh, he was this. And he goes, oh, what are you, Scouse from a fucking thingy? And I was like, yeah. And he's like, oh, you're getting on. And I was just like talking for a sec. And then he went, oh, have you been busy?

Cause all I'm thinking in that moment is how can I just quickly? Cause I thought what he might do is come downstairs, go to Shane, good show, and then fuck off. When you're that famous, that's what a lot of them do. They don't want the hassle, do you know what I mean? But I was like, he might disappear. So maybe Finn's not gonna get a picture

cause he's probably not gonna ask for that waiting for the lift, but at least he can come and say hello. At this point, Finn is hovering around like he's Adam's PA. It was just moving his way around. So he was in position for you could see his genuinely has heartbeat through his like leather jacket. It's like I've had half a pill. Just feel my heart and it was going to feel it.

You could see his t-shirt like, yeah, pop them with a bun out ofnying out of his fucking chest. I wasn't ready for it. I've still not ready for it. You weren't ready for it. I was ready for it. I'd overthought it. So then I was overthinking it. Still. I said to you, I was like, I wish you hadn't told me because then I would have just reacted. I think you might as well just passed out though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You would have had a cardiac arrest. So what did you say? You just turned and Finn was there like, well, no, cause Noel went like, Oh, have you been busy? What are you down in London for?

You're just here for this. Um, and, uh, I was like, yeah, no, we've been, uh, down here for some shows and he was like, yeah, that's where we met last time at the Apollo, wasn't it? You were there, that Jess on the club. And he went, by the way, he went, did you see that fucking where we met last time at the Apollo, wasn't it? You were there, that Jesselnuk lad. And he went, by the way, he went, did you see that fucking clip of him? And I went, what?

And he went, there's a clip where he talks about meeting me and he's just fucking lying. And the thing is, Jesselnuk does lie, innit? Right. Because when they met, I was stood here and they're there. And in the clip Jesselnuk's like, what does he say? I'll have to, I'll have to watch it in the break. But he says something where he's like, and Noel said this, this, this and this. And Noel was like, I didn't fucking say that. And I went,

yeah, you didn't, did you? And he was like, no, you were fucking stood right there. Fucking full of shame. I can't wait to pull them up on that when I see him. Does Jessalyn just make up so much of his jokes that he's like, I'll just keep doing it for potters. I think what he's done is he's just embellished the story thinking no Gallagher is never going to watch my podcast. And then his producers clipped it and Noel has seen it. So anyway, he goes, so what have you been doing down here? And I was like, uh, well the podcast is on tour at the minute. He's like, Oh, so you like live podcast? I was like, no, we're doing a standup tour. Like when we end it with a bit of music and he's like, Oh, do

you? Yeah. I was like, yeah, I produce. I was like, actually, we're doing a standup tour. Like when we end it with a bit of music and he's like, how do you? Yeah. I was like, yeah, I produce. I was like, actually, Finn come out and you did the smoothest thing. You just went, oh yeah, there he is. Like, like you hadn't even known he was there. I heard my name and it was literally like, yeah, come over here. We just chatted to Noel about, you know Noel? You were like, hehehe. No, no, no. Adam went, uh, Finn this is Noel. And in my head I'm going, you cunt. I know this is. But this was really funny,

because obviously Finn in that moment is just being like, just don't have a panic attack, just be a normal human. And yeah, so we do like two sections of stand up and then Finn comes on and there's a couple of covers at the end and Finn goes normally yours. I didn't say it like that. Which is like the world. I don't think that's bad. Under pressure. I didn't say it like that. Oh sorry, I didn't say hey no normally yours but that's all right in it here's my number I'll take yours. I pay PRS. You got some money for that. I promise. I like your song. My voice as well. I got a laugh out of it. That's all I need.

No, you usually are yours. So sorry. But then the real cool thing is he goes downstairs and he's just chatting to Shane and a few of them for ages. And then Finn goes, I really want the picture. And I went, just go and stand by the exit and be like his last person out. And then you're not sort of encouraging other people to do it. You can just get a quick one. Be like, no, sorry to be this guy,

but might as well get a quick selfie. But then on his way to the door, he stops at me. And bear in mind, I've had an entire total of less than five minutes conversation with this fellow. He comes up and he goes, I meant to say me, have you got my number? And I went, no. No, Liam, no. And he goes, you want to come and see, uh, want to come and see the band in the summer sorted out for Manchester, but you made tonight.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come and have a drink in Manchester. He put his number on my phone. I was like, right. Yeah. Nice one. And then, uh, I saw that bit. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come and have a drink in Manchester. He put his number on my phone. I was like, right. Yeah. Nice one. And then a finnally evaporated. I saw that bit. I was waiting by the exit. I saw that. I went, well, I'm going to wake up. What did I tell you? When we were all like, Dan, you've got to go for tickets. I was like, they'll just happen. You're all like, you need to buy them immediately. You

need to be at the front of the queue. No, two days later, my mate went, you want a ticket? And then a few months later, Noah went, yeah, we'll box you a ticket. They were just going to happen naturally. And I'm sure that's everyone's experience. So I waited by the exit and there was two lads next to me who I think were comedy promoters. We were all chatting to them later in the night.

Yeah. Oh, they were in our suite, weren't they? Yeah. Oh no, they're musicians. Yeah. The big guy with the green bay paddock. They're very nice, sweet, weren't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh no, they're musicians. Yeah. One of them is the guy who looks like she. The big guy with the green bay pattern. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he's called Gareth and he went mad viral about 18 months ago for a cover of Stick Season. Right, okay. And he lives in Nashville now and I think his mate is in his sort of ensemble. So Noel's walking out the room, they're next to me, not as close to the door. And they just went, no. And he was like, I've got to go. I was like, fuck, right. I've got to just do it. And you'd said you might never get the chance. I went. All I said to you was you either get a photo or you get told to fuck off by Noel Gallagher. And both of them are cool for you.

Yeah, I wanted the laugh. Also, what plays in your favor, no one had asked him for a selfie. Yeah. Even if they tried, they didn't even get in. So I did the, sorry to be that guy and all, a massive fan. Can I get a picture? And he was like, yeah, of course. I went, I'm coming to Cardiff.

And like someone that comes up to us and goes, I'm coming to Murderers Row. He went, oh, first night. Nice one, mate. Had the selfie. That's cool. The selfie's a bit blurry because my hand was shaking, but that's inevitable. Um, and yeah, a little video in here actually. Cause I got a video of Finn on the phone to, was it your mom? No, my best mate. We've my best mate cam. We have our whole friendship for the past 10 years has been dedicated to Oasis and making set lists about potential. Are you going to Cardiff

with him? Yeah, him and my brother. We're going to Cardiff. He's on the phone and he clocks that I'm recording him because he's just like, as it pans to me, he just goes. We said though, Carl, didn't we afterwards? I honestly like, we had a great time. That was a really fun night and everyone to do with Shane is support, actual super sound. There was a nice atmosphere backstage. I loved that whole night and it was great for us because we'd work Friday, Saturday and that became basically a little boys works night out. Yeah. Great fun. But all of us afterwards felt like extra chuff and I was bosing. Like you went you called him over and I was like, literally all of us were so happy for him because it was all your Christmases.

Yeah. Coming one short mancunian. I literally went to bed that night. So we went out, didn't we? We were, me, me, you, Steve and a fan that we kidnapped. Josh? Josh? I think it was Josh, yeah.

We ended up in a bar and we were out till quite late. So by the way, you don't really know about this, do you? No, me and Jack Finnegan went home. So you and Jack went home and then us lot and we're walking towards, so you have to walk quite a bit away from the O2 to get a taxi, even to Newburgh, right? Like there's like a five minute walk. And as we get there, there's a lad on the phone and it appears

like he's having a murder with his missus. I actually think I found out later that they'd just been separated and couldn't find each other. It was the guy from the tube. It was the guy from the tube. Oh yeah, nice guy. It was him. So we managed to see him again, hours later. And we went, come on, you're coming with us. And he was like, I can't. And we went, come on. And he went, okay. I'll just release her into the wild. So we dropped Carl and Harry at the hotel because they, like,

Carl definitely didn't fancy it and Harry was humming and he was like, I think I'm just going to go to bed. So it was us three and this random kid went to a really good bar, also the only good, the only bar open at that time on a Sunday night in Shoreditch. And we went and had some cocktails. And one of the nicest cocktails I've ever had. All the time she was still at the O2. Yeah.

And we were in Shoreditch. I hope he's had a good time because he's gonna have to really like buy back some credit with her. Yeah. So at one point she's FaceTiming him and he went, Adam because he's gonna have to really like buy back some credit with her. Yeah. So at one point she's FaceTime them and you went, Adam, you got to have to come here because she's calling me a liar. So because like obviously they're fans of the pod, when we got on the tube, they went, oh my God. Like, so he's obviously gone.

I'm sorry. I've gone for a night out with Adam, Finn and Steve. And she's like, fuck off, Josh, where are you? And he was like, no, like that's where I am. She could be accusing him of anything at that point, do you know what I mean? You're like, you left me. And he's just like, no, look. And as he done that, her face went from frown to,

and she's just burst out laughing. I hope they've had a good day. I got to sit and chat UFC with Idle Lallen as well, which was fucking heavy. When I walked in- Yeah, I did a very low key version of what Adam did for you. You like, yeah, you like fucking wingman. I walked in and I was like, low key version of what Adam did for you. You like fucking wingman.

I walked in and I was like, oh fuck, there's Alan Lallen. He's cool, he's fucking dead hard. And he's like really the quiet man. He's the hardest man in the room so he doesn't have to be loud. So does it, I didn't know, but basically Carl, really cool. Cause he, Carl is so into the UFC. Like you're mad about it.

It's your, my version is the NFL, yours is Liverpool. You, all of us have got one thing that we're like geeks about and you sat down and you were like, he's a fucking class fighter, by the way. So when you went and knew people were schmoozing, you were doing such a good job and checked, cause you know like the support acts and everyone. And I was just sat there and I just thought I'm

just going to start a conversation it's the polite thing to do. Well I didn't so I was like I don't want to be like hi so I stood up and went to mingle and then I was with him yeah you were babysitting me and turned around and you were chatting to you chatting to I was like what the fuck could he be saying to me I just acted like I was just like all right guys you're all right you enjoy the show, bloody blah. We ended up talking about Ipswich for a weird amount of time. And then I went, oh yeah, my mate Carl says

you're a brilliant fighter. Well, I saw this. And then Carl came over and, all right, like, what job? And then, so the conversation from- He was there and Dan was there, and there wasn't really a seat there, but I sat there. And the conversation went from like, I was asking his missus a question, we were talking about Suffolk and everything. And the conversation went from like, I was asking his missus a question.

We were talking about Suffolk and everything. And then it went into like basically an in depth UFC interview. Yeah. When I went to you fight, you know, I want you to have Rodriguez and he's saying all his names. I'm like, that's so cool. I was just chatting to him today. Just about like his opinions on fighters, which is cool.

And I was so happy. Well, he's now my favorite sportsman with Arnold in his name. So there you go. That's what he's done. I didn't know he told me that his wife was lovely. He was like, he was just dead cool. And he went, what'd you do with these things? I went, what do you mean? He went, I don't really do this kind of thing. Like am I meant to be like mingling? I went, I've said hello to Shane and said, thank you. He was like, yeah. I was like, you're done then? I went, no, guy. He's over there. He went, I don't really care. I went, just sit here and have a chat. He's like, yeah, cool.

That's a sound guy. He's like, what do you do then? I was like, oh, I'm a podcast. He's like, I love podcasts. And then I was like, oh, this is sick. That was my mini Noel. You've had a couple of big nights out there. Because on Friday night, everyone was sort of tapping out. And I just got the first... I'm so bad for this. Whenever we go away, that Friday night, everyone was sort of tapping out. And I just got the first, I'm so bad for this. Whenever we go away, that first night, every stag do,

I've ruined the next two days by getting too excited on the first night. And you and I ended up having a proper, a really good night out. Yeah, a class impromptu night out. Yeah, Elliot Steel basically hooked us up and we went to Horatio Gould's birthday. And I got talking to some of the sort of newer London comedians and...

They are Gims. No, a couple of them are Horatio's mates. Like, who are the ones? There's a guy called Paddy and his mate, he did that fucking brilliant gangster clip. Paddy and me. They're fucking brilliant. Dan Tiernan's there, Elliott Steele's there. But then I got talking to some of the alternative acts and it really does, you can tell they think,

oh, it's Bernard Manning come down. In my head, I am, you know, I know I'm the oldest here, but I'm like, we're at the cutting edge of UK podcasting. They're like, Oh, here at this con is from the 1970s. Hello. Welcome to have a word. Fuck it. My mother-in-law. I'm not saying she's tied. It was good night out though. It was class. We ended up in some karaoke bar. Yeah. Everyone was being very nice about the Coke thing and not giving me any. I was asking, I've got to that point now where me not doing coke is so well known that everyone's desperately trying to do the logistics of cocaine. But around me, but obviously when you're on cocaine,

there's no way this is going to work. When you're on cocaine, all you've got is like, you want to talk and you want to like, you're loud and people are like, oh yeah, sorry, Dan. Can you get some? No, sorry, Dan. Just trying to like, it was like one of those cup games, but it's fine. I love it when people are like, that's when you can tell Elliot steals a mate because and I was like, no, cause you're 28 and you're on a night out. This is your time. Run my children. If you're still doing it at 48, we'll talk. It's absolutely fine.

That was a class night out. Mark Steele came to the show. Yeah, there's some gaps. I was class, you know. Mark Steele coming to our show. I know he's Elliot's dad and Elliot's like one of our mates and one of the boys and that, but Mark Steele is such like a fucking UK comedy stalwart. And when I was coming up he was one of the few comics that was on like he was doing TV, radio, he was touring. Not like every episode of Mark the Week for like two seasons or whatever.

But he was one of the few ones that was smart, funny and did voices. Yeah. And if he was in Newcastle he'd do it, he was one of the first acts that I saw that I watched and went, oh, you can fuck around and do voices. You don't have to be Stuart Lee. Like, I've always had a soft spot for Mark Steely. Such a fucking legend and he carries himself as like a legend. You're not allowed to talk. I love, I love murderers, but no, he's so approachable. He looks like, oh, he looks cool.

I love murderers row for a lot of reasons. I think this is one of the best things we've done. Like it's been brilliant, but there's been some moments in the dressing room, the chat in the dressing room has been like you are, I love dressing room chat, post COVID, that was one of the things that I was looking forward to getting back into, just having the fucking chat in a dressing room. But there's a lot of bills But there's a lot of bills,

there's a lot of bills where- You don't wanna talk to me? Yeah, I don't wanna talk to you. I don't do, I do talk, but there's other bills where you walk in and you're like, you're a fucking mate, you're class. Well, every Murderers Row dressing room is the top tier of that.

You're either one of our really fucking good mates or an absolute legend or in most cases both. And some of the chat backstage has been exceptional. And then Mark Steele's there as well. Ian Stone and I were chatting in the second half. And listen, I know Ian's been on and hopefully we'll get him back on, but he was brilliant both Friday and Saturday night.

And he's talking to me like a contemporary which I know I am but mate he's an all-time circuit legend like royal fan like royal level of circuit comedian. This weekend was class. What about Sunday? Because Sunday was a bit for you wasn't it? Well on Saturday basically on Saturday Sunday was wild. On you, wasn't it? A bit for you. Well, on Saturday, basically on Saturday, on Sunday, Sunday was wild. On Saturday, me and Finn just managed to go for lunch for about an hour. We sat next to Ben Wishaw, who's the voice of Paddington Bear. There's some wild characters on this weekend, by the way. Oh, do you not know about that?

No. We went to... This is not the face of a man in the know. We went to what I found out was a Gordon Ramsay pizza restaurant. Fair play to Gordon Ramsay. Pizza East. Yeah. What you want about Gordon Ramsay? He can give him his juice. He's a good mum. What's he gonna do with that? But we, we sat, so we got, we got sat nearest to the door. We sat down and Dan is giving me strange eyes. He's going, I'm trying to fuck him. You know, I'm about to have pizza. You try and fuck people. He's like, yeah, you're giving the eyes. That's

it. That's what I do with Laura. I think it's working. She's had me checked for like a stroke of you. He's filled his nappy as they. Yeah. Right. So nappy play. And when Ben Wishaw is there and I clocked him straight away, which is pretty good on a hangover. Was he in the costume? He's in the costume. That's why I was surprised more people weren't looking. I've never watched Paddington, but is his voice Paddington's or does he voice Paddington? Is he just doing his own voice? It's kind of his own voice, you know.

Fuck off! He sounds like, oh, that's Winnie the Pooh. Right. I don't know. No, he sounds like that, but a bit more proven. Oh, no. No, you haven't seen. I love jam. Is that not Paddington? Is that Peruvian by the way? I love a jam sandwich. That's what he did in the audition apparently. Well that's what he was saying in the restaurant. That's why you knew it was him.

He was just sat there going I'm Paddington. I want a margarita please. What was he saying? Paddington mayonnaise, Peruvian. And he speaks with Ben Wishaw's voice because he's fucking voiced by Ben Whishaw. Ben Bishop. No Paddington Bear has ever been Peruvian. I know he is from deepest, darkest Peru.

I get that, but he's not like, hello, my name is a Paddington Bear. What does he sound like then? He sounds like Ben Whishaw. I don't know what Ben Whishaw sounds like. He's just a bit posh. I wouldn't know Ben Whishaw. Ben Whishaw could be in this room now. That could be C.

Yeah, that could be Ben Whishaw and in this room now. That could be Ben with Sean. Are you the voice of Panker Bear? You know him, he's from James Bond. You do know Ben with Sean? He's also like a bad guy and something. I'm sorry this might hurt. He's fucking cute isn't he?

On Sunday, I wanted to use the day, bit bear. So we met up, you were having like brunch weren't you? No, so I woke up, I want to use the day, baby. So we met up, you were having like brunch, weren't you? No, so I woke up, I want to do something today, London. You know what I mean? I've done shopping, I want to do something in London. So we were going to go to the Van Gogh Experience. Should have done some knife crime and robbed some phones. I've done that on the sati.

Also... LAUGHS Carl... LAUGHS Carl had gone, I don't want to make any decisions, and had made, what did you call him? Daddy, daddy goose. So you said he used well, I had daddy goose to sati either side of the way we were eating and what we were doing. And I led the way. And on the Sunday I was like, I'm not daddy goose today. I'll go wherever you want to go and I'll eat whatever you want to eat.

But you know, my turn. So he's put a lot of pressure on Steve there, who was Googling things to do in London. We're in EC1, it's central, but it's, you know, like the east side of the centre of London, isn't it? Daddy goose. Right. And so, Steve's... You daddy gooseed after Taylor Swift. Do you remember?

Yeah, I know mother goose. Well, I'm not a woman. Yeah, but it's... You're not a goose either. The phrase is that's how the mummy bed feeds the chicks, isn't it? It's not daddy bed. That is the phrase. You know what I mean? Yeah. Daddy goose. Come on, let it live. That is weird to see him call Steve daddy goose several times. I'll go where you want to go. I'm malleable. I'm easy. I want to have fun. So Steve was Googling things within the basically the M25 because Steve thinks London is a,

I don't know, Winsford. I can't get it. We needed like a new section on the show called Steve's Suggestions, you know, because it would be class. So he went, where's Marble Arch? So we sat in Momlet, which is on Brick Street, very, you know, hip, we had an omelette. And then I was like, I want to do something, Van Gogh experience. I've wanted to do for ages, look cool, sold out. Are you going to just chop your days off? You just chop your days off, sold out.

The next one. The mobile awards. The mobile awards, but they weren't on. You can't just go. It's just one night. But Steve still tried to get tickets for it. The next one was the Tutankhamun experience, which is an immersive Egyptian experience,

which I'd love to do. I know dad loves to do. It was all about immersion for Daddy Goose that day. I was obsessed with Egyptians as a kid. I'm obsessed with one now as well. But like as a kid, like the Egyptians, like I was fucking banging. That was my, that and Henry VIII,

I think everyone likes a bit of Henry VIII when you're a kid, but the Egyptians, I built paper mache pyramids when I was in year four. School loved banging the Egyptian thing. 1066 was my thing. Tried to do the Sphinx, but it just looked like a dead rat. Cleopatra had the world's first vibrator. I mean, how do they know that? It was a jar of bees. In a pussy?

I think she'd shook it first. Oh, how many? The jar vibe. There was so many bees. The jar vibrator. There's no way that I can't be true honey. That is true. Can't be. It's a thin jar. I don't know how the thickness of vibratingrate in jars. It'd have to be like a, like a rubber jar. Is that how she died? It broke. Certainly Google says it's true. All right. Well, that's one point to no way. Sorry. It's a myth. No points for Harry. The first ever vibrator ancient grease. I thought the tower of London was great. Shout out. Well, we've in the middle bit. Yeah. Shootin' Carmen experience sold out upset me. Next one. Planetarium. I love a planetarium. I love space. Is it immersive? Oh yeah. Cause you like that. Yeah. It's a great bang planetarium decision. Finn rings me. Where are you? We're

going to planetarium meet us there. Finn's like boss planetarium plus part equals fun. So you had, I went to call. I was like, should I get stoned? He was like, you go into a planetarium plus part equals fun. So you had, I went to Carl, I was like, should I get stoned? He was like, you go into a planetarium. Obviously. Did you have an edible? No, I had a joint. All right. Okay. So Finn, Finn gets doobie gets all the doobie and then Steve decides, no, the planetarium is too far away in time. It's three hours away. We can't do that. I was like, right. Okay. So then you go, let's go the tower of London. I mean, I was like, yeah, I'm not Daddy Goose. I'll go, and then we just, we walked through London. We walked down bricks, we saw the magician,

which you couldn't cope with. Awful. Why? Oh, it's just, it's like watching a mirth control compare on the street, it was painful. Carl, so he gave Carl the card and a pen. Silly boy. He was like, sign the card.

He went, mate, that's a mistake. He was like, sign the card. Even I went mate, that's a mistake. He was like, sign the card to let us know and he just drew a big cock on it. And he went, oh, it's not this kind of show. And the fella took them sharp, he put a little smile and was like, look, it's a smiley face. And Carl went, no, it's a jizzing cock. That loudly?

And a little woman in a wheelchair, like a decrepit like 90 year old woman. No, an old woman, not a little woman in a wheelchair, like a decrepit, like 90 year old woman. Like an old woman turned up to me and went dirty man. She was rapping. Dwarf in a wheelchair, an old dwarf in a wheelchair. That'd be fucking difficult. She called him a dotty man. And then the other man wasn't happy because he was like, you've drawn a jizz and cock. I'm in the middle of brick lane trying to be child friendly. And you've-

By the way, that bit of London, they don't like selling new clothes around there, do they? Vintage world. Oh my God. You've been in that. It's class, isn't it? It's mental. Yeah, we didn't go in any of the shops.

Quite overwhelming. Me and Jack went in there. Me and Jack had a little shopping day and then stopped for a pint and some Thai barbecue. Brick Lane is just a jumble sale basically. So we're heading towards... I love the vibe down there though. It's great. Apart from the fucking magicians. We do a big walk to Tower London, about 40 minutes in it through London. 25. Yeah, yeah. With traffic. Get there, think meet us there. There's a lot of little women in wheelchairs. Get tickets and then you're like element, you love history and you've

like, I've never been here before and then some little really small reason when do you want the tour and we're like yeah and then we just got the tour off it's like coolest owl fella ever didn't we. So one of the beef eaters came down I thought this little woman that looked like Yoko Ono was going to give us a tour which I thought was going to be quite fun but an actual beef eater comes down and he was class. He was headlined. He was a beef eater or was he in costume? So that's what I said. No, he is a beef eater. He lived there. His house was there. So when he was doing the tour, his daughters were watching out the window. I mean, that was bullshit. No, no, that's what he said. But there's 35 of them. The yeoman. They live there. Yeoman. And I thought he was class. He was trying to upset

children. He was going for it. That was not about. That's why I loved him. It was really impressive. Harry got really into it. And just to the point where he was loudly shouting about someone getting their head chopped off and he's showing how it happened and he kept hacking and he kept hacking. Finn turned up potted. Oh yeah. And Finn was like, what this is. I was like, why are we here? The fear is all well-dressed. And then we saw the crown jewels. We went through and I was like, it's like, this is a replica. I

was like, this is bollocks. I don't want to see things and all things. I wanted to see the things. Do you know what I mean? Crown Jewels did nothing for me, you know? Oh no, they got me. I mean, I loved that. And then we went into this vault and I was like, this is the real shit.

So the other thing, Charles, what would he go? What's an organiser? What is it? Coronated. So I had done the Tower of London tour when I went with Tom Horton years ago, when he lived in it. Yeah, but the, was the-

But did he give you the, I live here, was it like a private tour that that lad did for me in Parliament? Yeah, it was like fucking access all areas. Like we were just fucking, we were in his gaff. Did you see the crown jewels? Yeah. All them crowns, man, they were sick. Like the Indian one was so fucking cool. I know it's grim and then at the end they're actually to donate to the king and it's got fucking

diamond dots. Sell a hat. Yeah. Sell a fucking hat. Sell one of your hats. Who's going to buy it though? An American hat. Yeah. Sell one of your hats. Who's going to buy it though? An American. An American. Tech billionaire. Yeah. India might have the money to buy it back now. Yeah. I mean the Americans bought London Bridge, didn't they? Did they? Yeah. And they took it down and

then built a new, because they thought they were buying Tower Bridge. I thought, yeah, that's the story. But what's the point in buying it? So they're like we bought London Bridge. Because they wanted tower bridge in some part of North London. They rebuilt it in 10th Street I think. Tower bridge. Just fucking build a replica. Who's asked?

These are the actual bricks from London. Give a shit, just make a copy. Well how much are they worth the Crown Jewels? Because it's not... They're surely priceless. the actual bricks from London. Give a shit, make a copy. Well, how much are they worth, the Crown Jewels? Because it's not- Oh, they're surely priceless. I mean, physically the diamonds, I'd say 100 mil. Four to six billion.

I said billions. No, but isn't that the worth of what people put a price on? I mean, like the physical parts of it. Yeah, but that is what it's gonna get sold. We're not just ripping it down for parts, are we? No. I think that might ripping it down for parts, are we? No. I think that might be parts, you know, because it says they're considered priceless.

Here we go. I'm sick of hearing priceless. Let's put a price on it. Yeah. If people are bidding, if we get some Americans and the Chinese bidding, let's fucking pay off the national debt with a hat. The national debt's trillions, innit?

Let's sell four hats. Let's sell like 11 hats. Sell 10 hats and have one hat. I'd love it. And he's like, can you donate £10 to the King please? No! Sell a fucking hat and sort the roads out or the NHS. You can't.

Did anyone give money? I mean, if you look in the box, it's just full of notes. Yeah, but I think it's like Five Guys, isn't it? Every time you go in Five Guys, there's a fiver in the tip jar. They put it there. There's nothing else there. There's a fiver.

A goldsmith move. And then we went to the White Tower, didn't we? We were all lagging a bit there. That is the OG. The White Tower should be called the Tower of London. All this faff around it. That's William the Conqueror's rude boy. Yeah, and we saw all like Henry the Eighth Gear and...

Well, I don't have more fun potted, I'll tell you that. I went to pub and then had some ribs. That does sound equally good. If not better. I know I enjoyed it really. No, I had a really good time. And then I was a goon about the... I was a...

Oh yeah, so, these are pieces of art. I was just trying to enjoy it. I was just trying to enjoy my day cause I don't want to picture them a piece of art and how he went, it's not a piece of art. It's the belt. This is exactly what we're having to go about. He's done it again. Sorry. But it is a piece of art and how he went on our back then with shite was the space of that under Under the years I was fucking grim. And Dan went, I think you'll actually find that's embroidery. You're saying embroidery can't be art? That has evolved into, it's employed actually. Within four minutes the story had become me going, I think you'll find. No, it's not, it's a Bay of Tapestry, it's not art. It wasn't done for someone's wall.

It was a, some nuns did it to record the William the Conqueror's win at the Battle of Hastings. It's the full story of it. What? Like a book, isn't it? No, it's like a wall hanging. Like art, but it wasn't meant as art. What was it meant as? A sort of record of... Comic book. Like a comic book? I'm doing it again. I think you're fired. What's the difference between art and a record? They haven't just written it down. If they just wanted to record it, they could just write it down. William did a good thing. That's what they are. There's writing on it though. Yeah, that would have been easier, wouldn't it? Just a piece of paper, a nun, William did a good thing. That's what they are. That would have been easier, wouldn't it? Just a piece of paper and none. William did a good thing. Stick that on the wall. I'm not showing for ages these cunts.

But I think that is art. I suppose you could perceive it as art. It wasn't made as a piece of art. It's decorative though, intentionally. Yeah. That's art, isn't it? Oh yeah, it's art. I don't know what you're on about. Yeah, they were doing their art at GCSE. It's just a load of nuns trying to get a GCSE. Carl was getting annoyed because a lot of the exhibits

were saying stuff like, this is probably. The word probably was used too much for me. Probably. Like in what context? Like what? Like this was probably John's hat from the 1200s. And you're like, I want either this was or it wasn't. I mean, I don't know why you put it in there. This wasn't Elton John's hat. No, but you read it as like,

this hat was used in the Battle of the Bastards in 1209. Is that Game of Thrones? This hat was from Game of Thrones. Oh, by the way, Henry VIII. What a cock on him here. Yeah, you have a cock piece, mate. Did he though? His suit of armour.

This might have been Henry VIII's cock. Because he's obviously Henry VIII and he's like, I want a suit of armour. I don't think he ever wore the fucker. It's almost ceremonial. And when they got to the cock, he was like, I'm going to need a massive cock piece. It's like, oh, it is a... Like it was a piece attached, but as fit as cocking. Yeah, but come on, he's probably full of shit there. Did he have syphilis and shit?

Maybe it was just swollen. Why are you giving Henry the syphilis? He did, didn't he? Most of them get back then, didn't they? Yeah, gout, I know we had gout. I think that's Al Capone. Yeah, it's Al Capone. We were looking at Al Capone's.

I think he got HIV. Yeah, he was the first AIDS victim. Patient one, Henry the eighth. It was a great weekend. It was nice. What a weekend. Yeah. Back to back. Beautiful.

You know, it's been a busy one. We've been 43 minutes of the weekend. Oh, why? All right. There is a bank all the weekend. It's a guy. Oh, it's the guy in it. Yeah.

Oh yes. Dude, that was a bad Super Bowl halftime show. I didn't write that one. Let's have a break, CZL. 4 times more engaging than with display ads. So if you want real attention, start advertising on podcasts with Acast. Start today at go.acast.com slash ads. Well, if you're enjoying this episode, you should sign up to our Patreon, patreon.com slash have a word pod. You should sign up. It is the biggest patron in the UK, one of the biggest in the world for a reason.

If you sign up for as little as £3 a month, you will get an extra episode every Wednesday, early release of the video of the public episode and then all the specials and access to free the tickets. Access to free tickets. Tickets! Access to free tickets. We just give free tickets away. That'd be sad, wouldn't it? Access to tickets. There's loads available.

And if we're doing a smaller show, sometimes tickets go very fast. Lock-ins out. Lock-ins out. The new lock-ins out. We've got loads of old lock-ins. All the specials, which include? India, Nashville, Amsterdam, all the lock-ins.

We've just done Adam Day, which is out next month, which was so fucking fun. We went and looked for foot in G end, Nashville, Amsterdam, all the lock-ins we've just done. Adam day, which is out next month, which was so fucking, we went and looked for foot in ghosts and houses and true time. It's time for another ghost on it. Also, I think make sure you sign up a have a web.com slash have a web pod or through the Android app. Do not use have a word pod. Yeah. Do not use, do not use the Apple app to sign up for Patreon because you will pay 30% more than if you sign up anywhere else. What you need to do is go on their website on a separate browser, sign up there, then download the Patreon app to your iPhone

and then log in. Yes. Because iPhones are great. TapeTune.com slash have a web pod. That's where you sign up. I just want to do a little shout out to our very own Harry Robinson, who did one of the most romantic things I've ever heard.

Where did you get this idea? Shave your pubes. Shaved his pubes. I've never shaved my pubes. What? You're not allowed to work here with hairy pubes. Wait, what are you talking about? Have you got an absolute bushel? Yeah, so also, no, that is a lie. I did it in school, but I bicked it like fully. And then when

it starts to grow out, it starts to get whiskers and goes through like the holes in your pecs. Yeah, don't bick your pubes. your. I was awful. So I've just never done it since then. So it's like the Jackson five. That is awful. Your partner will thank you. I know that's the. Can we give them a lawnmower 5.0 ultra. That's awful. How is that awful? I was more you get sucked off if you've got like a cleaner fucking bigger as well. I like platinum. I'll tell you what gets you sucked off. Would you rather eat a yogurt off wood flooring or a carpet? She's not eating yogurt off me pubes. No, but you're fighting yogurt. Are you not eating the Harry honestly? It's the last you missing it. It's a metaphor. Uh, it's not. It's just like the eighties

in it. No, Brazil. 2025. Yeah. You've got a mullet on the back of your head and on your dick. Yeah. You honestly need to sort that out. It must stink. Yeah. I washed them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But only your armpits stink as well. You watch them often. So it must smell like you're only rampages. There's that area and sweaty. You don't want to smelly, sweaty cock. All right. I'll give me a week. I'll shave my pubes. Wow. I'll come into work. I'll be like, lads, I can breathe down there. You were right. What was the point in this? I liked me bush. That's honestly, man scaped it, mate. Use our fucking Manscaped products.

They're the best in the fucking game. And honestly, we're 20, 20. Get a bit of fucking air that. I do use, I use Manscaped on my face though. I used it this morning. So when Harry's girlfriend isn't machete in her way through his pubes to touch his dick, she's become a runner. She's a runs woman. Yeah. She did the half marathon, which Adam was meant to do, but booked in London, which is why I didn't go to support the right. So you set an alarm. That's why you left the night out on Friday and you were going to voice a no video call a mum. So you were there, but you also did something very sweet idea of you had this

before. Uh, my idea. It's the fucking love idea. The, this is what I did. I made a, like a minute long podcast. So I made a, I set up an RSS feed, made it like a minute long podcast. It was like, Oh, you're about an hour into the marathon, the off marathon. Now, you know, I love you lots. Put it within her playlist. Yeah. And then we put it off way, put an hour into her playlist followed by like our song. And then, so then when she got there, there was a bit more motivation, but Dan told Laura and then that was peer pressure for me to send it to Dan and now Dan's heard it and I regret. Well, I think it nearly made Laura cry. That's how sweet is.

What an idea. Babe, babe. And you did it in a, you did it, you did it in a weirdly loving tone. I'm so fucking proud of you girl. Just keep running. What are the tones? I don't know. What is girl? You are so lying. Keep running. Are we listening to it now? No. It's the song at the end of the episode.

It's just me going, I love you so much. But then when I got in the car the next day, Spotify just started playing and it was that. What if she just started crying an hour in the. Did. She sobbed halfway through the marathon. That's what you do on halfway through a marathon. Use all your energy and water out your eyes. Just as you dehydrated, get rid of some more fluids.

You little sweetie. But yeah, but then when I knew that it might get brought up because her show done, I've set it now to like, it gets released in 2037. I've like moved the scheduled date because I couldn't take it. Like the JFK assassination files. So the Hally papers, you know, in 2037, then people can listen to it. Fuckin all you're doing so well girl. Just keep running, keep running all the way to my massive pubes. What did you call your podcast? I can't say that because the people will be able to find it. But it doesn't get released until 2037. But I'm not sure. I'm not confident in that because Dan

got in the car after I'd like set it away and he played for him again. It's not, you didn't say anything. It's just sweet. No, you're just doing the man thing of like, Oh, I don't want anyone to hear. It's made me look bad. You did say it was gay. You're a mate. I can't be like that. It's so lovely. No, it is a bit like that. It was like take seven as well. Cause like JavaScript JavaScript or was it off the dome? Off the dome. But then like halfway through I was like, I was like, keep like I'd say, I'd say something and fuck it up or I'd get to it and it's like three minutes long. It's like, there's no rhythm here. She can't run for three minutes with me. Oh, she tried to keep a bitch. Keep running bitch, keep running. It's your boyfriend Harry bitch, keep running. Now you're about an hour in.

I done this for you. I want to get sucked off so I'm going to shave my pubes. Oh, keep running bitch, keep running. Keep running bitch, keep running. Okay, I'm out of time now love. Good luck. Some of that sounded particularly like an old slave song. Wow, Finn. It did. Keep running. No one else heard it. No one else heard it.

Waited the water. That's what that sounded like. Yeah. Are you listening to old slave songs a lot? All the time. He probably is. My Spotify DJs. Cool. We're going to smoothly move along to some...

Josh Shaw says, you have to hide from everyone in the globe. No, no. For five days. I know when I've had. You get a month's prep time and a million pounds to do so. During the prep time, no one will track you and you can hide anywhere on the planet. During the five days, every adult in the world

will be looking for you. How would you achieve this? You know where the 62 starts by Bowram Park? Yeah. You're the roundabout there. Yeah. I died in the middle of that. Because no one's ever looked at it and it's full of bushes. I always, when I drive past

I was like, I died there every time. I died in the staff room of the Florida property corner on chill out. I reckon any Papa John's in the country mid day. Ooh, Auntie Papa John's. Ooh, Auntie Papa John's. Uncle John's. In Penwoodham, that's doing quite well, you know. Why? Yeah, I think there's nothing else there. They've just cornered the market.

There's no Domino's, there's no pizza. What a bleak place that is. That's really on the up. So you've got a mill and how long? Shout out to Penwoodham. You've got a mill? You've got a million pounds. There's a five day global manhunt going on.

It only lasts five days. But you get five days to prep for it. Oh, I'd chart on a plane and I'd land every seven hours. Who's flying the plane? A pair of men. They're hunting you. Oh, I fly the, I can't fly planes. Damn.

I go to the 62. It's either a plane or the middle of the 62. In the prep time, sorry, no one can see me. Is that the thing? No one knows what it yet, maybe. Sorry, you get a month's prep time and a million pounds during the prep time. No one will track you and you can hide anywhere on the planet. So you get a month and a million pounds and the prep time, no one will track you and you can hide anywhere on the planet. So you get a month and a million pounds and then all of a sudden your picture is everywhere.

And I would assume that it's a million pound if someone gets you. So I mean, they are going to be motivated. There's bounty hunters coming. I'm using a manscaped and I am completely shaved my head. Oh, you look so different. And my eyebrows. I'm not using a manscaped. my eyebrows. I'm not using a landscape.

Last week. I'm not using one and just hiding in Harry's pubes. Just getting in there. It's a bit like a roundabout. I mean, I suppose you should, yeah. So yeah, use some of my million for the disguise. But then kill the person who does the prosthetics for me. Nice.

People have gone to die. You've got to, haven't you? Because then, you know, you're a murderer. No, I've got a hitman to do it. There you go. That's how murder works. How much is facial reconstructive surgery? Wow.

Hang on, Harry. One sec. I don't know. Is it more than a mil? No. Then that then? But then you could just... Then you'd change your face forever.

Yeah, but then I could just... Then you changed your face forever? Yeah, but then I could just... Yeah, but then I've got a... You're not going to move, Spence, on the face of the crowd. How do you think they're going to change it back for you as well, just as it is now? Well, if it's 500,000, then I can get it kind of... So you're spending all the money for this challenge and all the... Just for pride.

And I can spend 500 grand changing face, hiding... I've just been browsing TK Max. People don't look at the faces in TK Max. I could just be like, that looks a bit weird. You don't think you can change your face enough without half a mil to people not recognise you? Okay, well, just great then. Then I have like, you know, I have extra money. Shave your mosaic and your hair off, wear different glasses and pull it. I mean, to be fair, I've showed you my ID before. If I take this off, then I'd unrecognize my name.

But where's he going? TK Maxx. You're just going into TK Maxx and living in there? Yeah. When it closes? There's enough clothes that you can hide in TK Maxx, I think. I'd just hang on there. Did you say it's a five day manhunt?

Apparently, yeah. I would use some of the money I've got to fly to like some fucking deep recess of America like Montana. You go north? North Canada is surely. No because you're not very comfortable there are you surely? Why are you more comfortable in Montana? Isn't North Canada really frozen? I mean Montana's not warm in the winter. I mean no one would find you but you just die. Wouldn't I? All right yeah just twat bears off. Yeah what do you mean? What about the bears? Well I'd use some of my money to buy big fuck

off oozeys. Bears come near me to get oozeied. So right so you've got oozeys, more than one. That's smart. I mean, a lot of people just buy one oozey, buy one oozey and get loads of ammunition. That's stupid thinking. Two oozeys. Where's your food? The bears? Yeah. You go hunting bears. That's great. I just take loads of fucking like cocoa noodles and non-perishables. Monster munch. Going on a bear hunt. I could live on crisps and like bread for a month. I've lived on it for about 44 years. Five days. Yeah.

Five days with food, a loaf of bread, a multi pack of crisps and five packs of corned beef. Great. Bosh, and some oozeys. Get that corned beef out. Did you pack your own bags there? In the forest. We'll find Adam on day six, loads of dead bears.

I would smoke this. How are you getting to Montana in them five days? You're choosing them. You get a month prep time? Oh, no, it's five days prep time. No, the hunts five days, you get a month prep time. So Dan, start again. Hang on, start again.

With a month prep time to only survive five days, this is easy. This is relatively easy. Yeah. You can have a loose end in it for ages. Everyone in the world is looking for you. Yeah. No, because everyone knows about it. Most people aren't asked.

That is true. Most people have got like the school drop off to think about. No, but if you went, if I went to you, there's a man on here, if you find him, it's a mill. You're absolutely right. I couldn't if you went, if I went to you, hell, there's a man on to you, if you find him, it's a mill. You're absolutely right. I couldn't be arsed. Off I go. I've got a feeling it's Montana, or somewhere more northern.

There might be like in the whole world, like 10,000 people who give a fuck. That easy? At least you made that up. I think he's right on the northern. I go, I go, I think Canada though. You go even in the wild. You're not doing more local?

Yeah, the highlands. I just woke up snowed in here. You could just do it in the middle of the lakes. In the middle of the fucking Lake District. What's a round moat like two days and they knew he was and where he was. Yeah, but Gazza found you. Gazza found me. I'd just fucking give him a fucking cannon. He'd

be like, oh, we're friends aren't we mate? What's that thing about your mate not knowing who Raoul Mote was? Um, Seneca's friend, Iona, didn't know who Raoul Mote was, which blew her mind and blew my mind. So I asked all the lads to ask their ladies if they knew who Raoul Mote was and they all did because he's like a fucking goat. It's a varying degrees though. Have you seen this Raoul Mote the musical in London? Fuck off. Yeah. Have other countries got people like this who like, you know, he's

just like an enigma isn't he? He's famous. He's famous, but like no one knows when you know why. Obviously he's in a bad thing. We know why. No, but you don't think nobody. He's like a joke. Yeah. I I feel like purple, like he, yeah. Like it's, he's a punchline infamous. Yeah. But he's a joke. It's like, I remember Raul Moe. Not like, yeah. He killed people. No one does it about Ian Brady. I mean, I feel like I think it's cause of his name. I think it's cause of the Gaza Bay. Yeah. Maybe gas softened a bit. Yeah. Did Ramo actually kill someone? Killed two people. Oh shit. I've just remembered the third person himself. In my head. It's more about fishing with Gaza. See, it's end up a chicken and a fish and not the name was like, Oh, we're

going to have some foreign fishing. Like I'll talk to them. Come on me. I got, he turned up a fish and the fishing rod, chicken and a fish. Oh, it's quite pointless. Oh my God. Let's do some other words. Or a new, or a new, Mrs. Mrs. Did they ask me, do we have native Americans here? If Shane Gillis is Mrs. It asked about Raoul moat. Do you have Raoul Mote here? Do you guys have Native Americans here? And I was like, no, they're actually native to America.

But there's one in Blackpool because he kicked up a big fuss about the Blackpool Illuminations. It was Boria? No, I don't think, I think he moved from, from Oklahoma to like, to Blackpool. But there was some, there was in Blackpool illuminations, there's like, like red Indian kind of like that kind of stuff. And he was like, that's bang out of order. Christopher says, Alright fellas, love the pod, long time listener. I need you to have a word with my mate Kev,

because he's officially lost his mind. So we're at Mackey's the other night, just a standard... Don't be writing to us. Just a standard lads post pub munch. I need my... When Kev pulls out a Tesco carrier bag, I assume he's nicked some beers from the offie,

normal behaviour, but no, this absolute lunatic this absolute lunatic has brought his own condiments to mcdonald's ketchup mayo bbq sauce dijon mustard sorry what sauce? dijon? bbq? bbq barbecue i just literally read it k-e-t-c-h-u-p sauce he's treating our table like his's his own personal buffet station. Now, I wouldn't even mind, but where it gets mental, he starts offering them out like a waiter. Sir, would you care for some sriracha on your Big Mac? Mate, I just wanted a burger, not a five-star dining experience. Then, this is where I nearly walked out, Kev produces a glass pepper grinder from his coat pocket and starts seasoning his fries like he's Gordon Ramsay.

Who brings a pepper grinder mill to McDonald's? So lads, I'm begging you, please have a word with Kev before he starts bringing a cheese board to Nando's. Who accepted this to get through the net? This didn't happen. Good podcasting guys. Sophie says, can you have a word with my mate, Lauren? Hang on, do you actually want us to try and take that one?

I don't know, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, no, don't do that. Don't take glass pepper grinders to McDonald's. People will be like, wow. There are people that do the little sauces, isn't there? I know Florence Pugh carries them around in her purse. I used to have a bottle in my bike.

Sriracha, she carries around like sachets of sriracha and has a bit like Mackeys. I took the red hot. With that story, by the way, apparently he had this Tesco bag in the pub. This was a post pub munch. So he's he's brought Tesco Tesco bag full of condiments. His friends have not noticed that Tesco bag all night. And then they've got to the McDonald's and they're like, what's in the Tesco bag? He's like, oh, I knew we were coming to McDonald's so I've brought Sriracha, ketchup, BBQ and

a glass pepper grinder. Bollocks. I have peri salt in my bag like I do carry peri salt around. You also carry a little squeezy squash. Squash? Yeah. You prepped? I'm prepped. I honestly wouldn't mind if someone did this.

It makes him look autistic but you've got options. But they sell most of them things in Mackeys. What? Ketchup, barbecue, they have them there. They don't have Dijon bloody mustard. Also black pepper from a grinder is better than a little shitty packet one. You heard the tea there? All right, cool, that's an important tea. It's a massively important tea. Well, you're talking bollocks, Christopher, so go fuck yourself. Sophie says, can you have a word with my mate Lauren?

When we're on a girls night out, she acts like secret service detail and stops any lads getting anywhere near us. Go away, no, near us. Fair enough. We're all felled up. Most of us have kids. So it's not that we want to get off with anyone, but there's no harm in having a bit of a dance or having a chat with someone of the opposite sex. They're not a threat, but she treats them like their sleaze bags right from the off. Tell her to chill out a bit, please lads. Sounds like you're a cohungry monster, love. She sounds great. It's a bit of both, isn't it?

Like I'm guessing she's just had bad experiences. She's like, I don't want to give any of these lads any time. Yeah. But like obviously there are lads who just want to have a nice time, man. It's quite a hot, like if her mates like really hardline and stuff like this, it's quite hard for her to make the girl who's written in, to make the case that to let them over, isn't it? Cause then she does look like she's trying to do something.

Yeah. No, no. I want to talk to them. Like, yeah. Like we, we, we have like harmless flirts on night out. Like we have nothing wrong with the harmless for nothing. Yeah. Like we have a laugh. Like there's a girl there with like a stupid that's nothing wrong. It's not even a flirt. Like we have a laugh. Like there could be a girl there with like a stupid ass on. Well that's the thing isn't it? That's the thing. It doesn't matter if you're chatting, like if you're on a night out and there's some lads and there's good chat at the bar, that's the thing.

And it doesn't matter if they're girls or if they're lads, because it's just you being friendly and having a good laugh with people. But it's the way obviously her mate is like no every lads trying to fuck you and some of them most subtly are trying to fuck you but also that's not the top priority some lads are just out there being fun yeah do you know genuinely she sounds like she's quarterbacking it do you know if you were single again you and you right if you had to uh sort, you know, go looking for a lover and you couldn't use the apps. I don't think I'd want to because I'm so not practiced in the apps.

I can talk. No, but that's what I mean. Yeah. Well, you're struggling with the minute. The apps aren't a thing. Okay. How are you going to bar it in 2025? Put myself out there a bit more.

How? Yes, I will go to that party. Let's go to the pub more. I don't believe you. If I'm actively looking for a woman, I'm just gonna sit in ours. I'm like, I'll just turn up in the back garden. I think you might, Carl.

I think you might. I'll give it a go for the beer. There'll be a post-woman at some point. It's sort of going against your MO to be like, I'm just, I'm going to go rock climbing more just to find love. How do you law women, Finn? You're an appsman though, aren't you? You don't law them. Yeah, I'm an appsman, but that's mainly because like, I think this is obviously an issue that a lot of men face now is that you don't want to come across as that creepy guy on a night out. Yeah. Cause you see it and you see, like I've helped, um, girls out when they've been like fucking, yeah, there's a way to do it though. Yeah. And if you struggle on that, then I

can help you out. Go on. Give me some pointers. Maybe the weekend, me and you, Manchester after the show, put the shares on, show you how it's done. Oh, you've got the shirt already? Yeah. Okay. He's going to wingman for you. This is invaluable, mate. I'm looking forward to it. He'll be the creep and then when she comes over and goes, he's a creep, you be like... No, because he'll be like, oh, you women! You know what I mean? Don't see me knob!

And then he can come over and be like, hey, go away. Whoa, whoa, whoa, mate. That's a lovely cardigan, but hey, no, hey, don't worry, I'm not a threat. My name's Finn. Looking up, she's tall, six six. No, you don't make eye contact. That freaks them out. That's aggressive, that.

It's a different kind of now. It's a microaggression eye contact. It's a microaggression. If you make eye contact with a girl, you just can't, don't make it. This must be hard though, in this comment, like, lads are dickheads and the girls are like, I don't wanna give anyone any of your time because yous be our dough. And this comment like lads are dickheads and the girls are like, I don't want to give any of you

time because he's an honorable and there's obviously lads who aren't threatening. I just want to get to have a nice night. Is there any techniques you use to show that you're not threatening? Um, put the knife. It's like, it's like, um, what is it? What is it when you kind of like you like this? Yeah. Do that. No weapons. I have no weapons on me. I love that. Women love that. They want to hear that initially. That's the first thing. They want to hear the word weapons mentioned straight away

because that puts them at ease. Do you know what I would say? Have a sip of your drink and then take a hanky out your pocket and just dab your mouth. Put it back. No murderers have hankies. Ted hanky. The darts player. Conv ma'am. Does have an keys. Ted Anki, the dogs play convicted pedophile. Just got out of prison. He was in charge and it was his daughter as well. Just to make it worse.

Wow. He's in charge. Me or the devil. The devil by the looks of it. And he missed that check also soon it'll be all bad. The devil's got on me. Whoa. Yeah. Look non-threatening. Yeah. Hankies. Polish your shoes. Yeah. What?

What? Polish your shoes. Go to gel in your hair. Hang on. No. Polish your shoes. Is that what women want? Shiny shoes?

No, I'm not saying women want shiny shoes, but if a man shining shoes, he's probably not a... Yeah. Oh, be a shoe shine. That's how you meet women. Hello, governor! Shine your shoes. I haven't got any weapons. Only a towel.

I'm not a threat. Never make eye contact. Like a blind shoe shine. Oh, he's gorgeous. Uzi! Uzi! On your shoes shine madam! And your arsehole bathed. Just a little whisper. What some women do when their arsehole buffing. Look like you're having fun without them.

Like being elusive. Yeah! While your shoes shining just start laughing. I'm having a laugh. No eye contact. No weapons, no eye contact. Who's that guy over there? I was getting taken up by the bosses. He's got a trade, he's out there working.

So you think just be playfully at the bar. Just vibing on your own. Or drop some playing cards. Playing cards. You have to buy, drop me playing cards. Pick them up. And they're like, why is he not saying, Oh my God, maybe he does close up magic. No, it's not magic. You just like

them playing solitaire on your own with a, with the rhythm of the music in the club, always take a pack of cars to the club. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Great. No eye contact, be a shoe shine. Shout. I've got no weapons, play cards in the club on your own. And stop going out with your lesbian mate. I think it's lunchtime. She might be a lesbian. Oh, she's cock blocking because she wants it. Yeah.

Get the chicken tires from K.O. Grill. It's lunchtime! See you in a bit. Great guest today. Enjoy. Now it's time to talk about our collective favourite sponsor. It's True Classic. Now I've worn some bad t-shirts in my time. Correct today. They've accentuated the wrong part of my 44 year old frame. That doesn't happen with true classic does it Carl? No, so I am a bit of a bigger

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Is that one of your spring summer must haves? I'd say a spring must have for me, I'm going to go with the True Classic tee. Nice. I'm genuinely wearing some of their underpants right now. It's not underpants, it's boxer shorts, briefs. They're very good. Smooth, firm, moisture wicking. Beholding. You feel safe in the hands of the True Classic garment.

You do. And also, I was like some jogging bottoms, Steve, that I took home when I wasn't meant to. I've worn them all the time. It's very well made stuff, looks stylish, accentuates the good bits, it hard them bad bits. TrueClassic.com slash word to elevate your clothes game. TrueClassic.com slash word. Your customers are scrolling past your social ads, using ad blockers, and paying for ad-free streaming.

But when they're listening to a podcast, they're hearing Acast ads, which are 4.4 times more engaging than with display ads. So if you want real attention, start advertising on podcasts with Acast. Start today at go.acast.com. Jimmy Maxxie! Such a joy, such a pleasure. All right, I was outside and this liver, this old liver puddle in woman was with an old disabled man. Now They were walking together and she was smoking and pinched. And you can tell she'd lived a hard life.

This is what I wanted to say before, but I wanted to hold on to it because it was so beautiful. And all I heard her say was, she said, you will tell him yourself because you're a grown ass man. And this little disabled guy was like, all right, I'll do that. But that was, that was the North to me. Sounds like a Jewish New York lady. It's the best I can do. I started doing Carl, that was the North to me. Sounds like a Jewish New York lady.

It's the best I can do. I start doing Carl legacy if I do it to my, what am I? No. Stread for what they've done. Hiya. So good. Don't you try selling the sun around? It was the son here in Manchester. Don't you sell the son around here. I'll kick in your shop window. Tell your son. I appreciate it. Do the whole. I'll now be doing Bingley. No, I don't know how to practice that all day. Yeah. It doesn't work on that. Bingley. You've met. This is the second time Bingley. No, I don't know how to practice that all day. Yeah. It doesn't work on that.

Bingley. This is the second time Bingley's come up. I can't stop talking about sweet Bingley and its glorious music festival. What does a Bingley music festival? I just had some family in Bingley. So I got to visit Bingley once. I mean, it's near Bradford in it. It has to be because of the building. Yeah. But I don't, I don't know if I've been the greater leads area. Oh, there you go. That's all I like. Why do they like rugby? Who leads? They love, they don't go in for association football. No, they do. They're pretty big, historic, successful soccer club. I had a ropey 20 years, but some pretty big success in the past. They had a f*****g scrap

ones between Boia. I've heard about*****g scrap ones between P Boio. I've heard about what this foreign owners done to Reading FC. And I think it's, I'm filthy. These foreigners think they can come in here. Right down the, right into the ground. Was that the Chinese owner? Yeah. We're going to the Chinese. Now I'm the owner. What is a plot?

Apparently there's a foreign owner. How have you tolerated these foreign owners? Get rid of the foreign. Is there no foreign owners of anything in Australia? Man, we don't even, the league owns all the clubs. So the members get to do nothing most of the time. It's also bad, but I think, yeah, you want to, you want to own your own. Don't you want to own your own club? Isn't that good? Yeah. But like ever and I've had a Scouse owner for quite a long time and he hasn't really saved them very well.

He keeps selling players and they want that Arab money in here. You want that evil foreign money from Yemen exploitation to come and help. Can write a dead apparently inside knowledge evidence. He's not around. Naming rights has been sold to Qatar Airways. But they're still going to call it the bill. Can write stadium. It's just an honor. Foreign owners in football is a massive. It has been for 20 years in this country. Roman Abramovich all above board. Okay. Just nicked about 11 billion from the Russian economy. Incredible. And put about half of it into Chelsea Football Club.

Well, you should all be celebrating that that money didn't go to the war effort and instead went to fancy football players. He was then forced to sell Chelsea because he was Putin's mate. But then he used that money for the war. English legal like, hey, you're not allowed to be anymore because you're having, you have, you have a fucking little brekky in the week. How many Ukrainians are dead because you made him sold that, sold that club and used his money on missiles instead. He should have been spending it on football. Yeah. It wasn't, it wasn't the worst thing. Oh, listen, you, you've got

some of Putin's money. You're going to have to sell this club. Yeah. So someone gave him 6.6 billion or whatever it was. He's like, ah, you've really, you've really slapped me on the wrist there. Thanks, boy. Is it Putin or Putin? I think it's whatever you want really. I don't even say his name. Hold them up. You look like a different though. This is the crows. My Adelaide crows team This is, I mean the glasses, the glasses. Yeah. I feel like I'm a Hufflepuff. Yeah. I feel like a nice boy. Yeah. Hufflepuff energy. You'd be a Hufflepuff. I ate it. Third time you said it on the pod. I despise that comment.

Just give me Ravenclaw. Ravenclaw are the cool ones. They're smart people. Yeah. It's the Chinese one. It's Cho Chang is a Ravenclaw. Yeah. Are you a pot of file? I enjoy all of JK Rowling's work. Yeah. Didn't mind the casual vacancy. Didn't make it all the way through tweets of fire. Hey, let's crack in. How do you guys? She's it's funny because you've got like left wingers here who are anti-trans. That's a big thing is the, yeah, the labor anti-trans that doesn't exist in the rest of the world. Well, I think what's happened is labor are quite spineless now and they're sort of for sale.

So what's happened is they've got into power and gone, this is generally really a conservative country. Like if you look through history, the country is a whole votes conservative. Yeah. Apart from when the conservatives fuck it so bad. Yeah. Some centrists go to every 15 years. They go, all right, we'll punish you by going to them for a bit. And then to try and cling to power, what labor or the left try to do is go right. How can we keep a lot of our principles also keep these conservatives happy and the one, the two of the day right now is cutting benefits and letting trans people piss wherever they like. That's what they're, that's what the labor party is making concessions on big posters.

That's how you win the next election. Nationalize rail again. I'm a big believer in this, the private companies and I got into a big, it wasn't big for her. I got into an argument with the woman on the train. I ordered my coffee and they put it in a bag. Yeah. I was like, I don't need the bag. And she's like, Oh, you have to take the bag. She was like, it's on you if you hurt somebody. I was like, I've never had a coffee in a bag. I've been on trains before with a coffee. I never worried about killing a woman with a hot coffee on the train before. I think it was more likely that you hurt someone when it's in a bag.

It's so much safer to have it in a bag. What's the bag? They insist on giving you the coffee in a bag. As in like in a cup. Sorry, it's in a cup and then the cups in the bag and you get a little handle. Sorry, it's not, that would be worse. The bag is like that big. Yeah. It's like an A4 bag and it normally like, if you get like a couple of packs of crisp and a coffee that it would keep it in the right place. But they put a

coffee in the bag and then you have to carry it like this and it makes it so much. You have to drink it from the bag like an old time wine out. They will not let you leave coach C without the coffee in the bag. She let me through but she gave me a stern admonition that any harm I caused that the rail ride, like they would not be held liable. And so I've never even, let's not pretend this is a new cool safety measure that's going to make the world a better place. I've never heard of that before. And she was, and then I missed my stop and the way she looked at me when I like, she

was so fucking happy that I missed my stuff. I hate this woman. I hate her. Excuse me. I'm still recovering from that. Do you know what I'd have done? Actually, I'd have gone with it. Rules carried it in the bag, but then through the full bag, it's at the

woman, a woman sat down and then they have to take responsibility because I'd be like, I wouldn't have done that if it wasn't in the bag. So you're in court. I have to be a woman that you throw in the face of. Oh yeah. I don't discriminate man, woman or trans can get my hot coffee in their face. That's going quality. That's what we're trying to build towards as a society. I want you to know this was not a hate crime. You were just nearby. It was nothing to do with what you're dressing like, sir. It's also a question. This train ride is dangerous. That loud. You just sat there just like, I will throw this coffee in your face.

No, I don't commentate on my life. Not at the time. Maybe I do in retrospect, I suppose, when I come on here and tell you what I've been up to, I guess what I did at the weekend, do a hot coffee and a man, woman or trans face in protest. You're loving the or trans. The mouth is working overtime there. Hold on. Those lips clamping down.

James, are you a man, woman or trans? What are you? I thought I was a lesbian. Sorry, not to be those two. Those two need to be separated. I dated a lot of lesbians. I dated many lesbians back to back. What they were lesbian going in and lesbian going out. You just like the challenge? Sometimes going in, often coming out. Yeah. Or you did the great Turner.

I've tamed a few lesbians. Into lesbians. No, no, no. That's what I thought you were saying. But the secret to dating lesbians, every, all these men are like just, you know, she just needs some fucking hard dick, penis, and that'll bring her straight again. That's what these, that's not how you date a lesbian. Patience. Secondhand bookstores. Play the long game. Rebuild the

confidence in men that they've lost. Right. Like a rescue dog. Excuse me. It's about not being taught. It's about seeming like a woman. So you want to rescue lesbian and not like, I don't want to rescue any lesbians. I'm just happy with my sweet lady wife who I love very much. Who you found in the bookstore? I mean she won't leave me for a man. Let's say that. No, I love her. She gets very angry when I say that. Now you were in America. You were a quick change of pace.

You've got... Most people here don't want to go to America. They don't find it interesting. They think it's scary. They think it's all, but you, you have the, you have the hunger. I can see it. I like it a lot out there. I like spending time there. I like the comedy scene there. I like the way the industry works out there. I kind of like to, and yeah, every time I spend any time socializing with so we all seen you open for Shane Gillis on Sunday. Whenever I spend any time with Shane, it takes like two drinks before

Shane's like, what are you doing in England? You big pussy. Yeah, yeah, you should be in Austin. Well, they really love America. Yeah, the Americans would be like, why wouldn't anyone want to be here? This is a great place in the world. And in England, people like, why would you? So there's not as much people talking down here. Yeah, the Americans would be like, why wouldn't anyone want to be here? This is a great place in the world. And in England, people like, why would you? So there's not as much people talking down here. Yeah, there's no way in there as much. And the people who have it are fucking mental as well.

Like the normal Americans who have seen this is England. I know what that is. Yeah. Sucking on a teenage girl's buzzy when you're just a little boy. Do you remember that scene in This is England? That's the scene. Is that in the kitchen? She's like, did you want to suck on my tit?

I can't do any of the voices and I'm going to stop trying. Oh shit yeah. Smell. And then he does. It has really nothing to do with the rest of the movie. But it was so spot on. I remember that bit. The first time I did that to a girl's boobs, way too young, she went, don't forget the

other one. And I moved over. It was great. time I did that to a girl's boobs, way too young, she went, don't forget the other one. Oh my. It was great. I don't even think I think it was just a, what was that second bit about? Don't, don't forget the other one. I just wanted to be a gentleman. I should, she'd got her boobs up. No, no, no. I don't even think I think it might've felt sad that you, maybe she thought one boo was better than the other. And I think I was just going ham on lefty. Yeah. And she was like, she might've thought you were saying she had asymmetrical boobs and she was like, just let me know that they're both. Oh, there is another one. I didn't even know there was two one boobs enough. Apparently all set today. Symmetrical. Apparently like, well, yeah, no snowflake is identical to another snowflake, but I think you shouldn't be

able to see it from a distance. Yeah. Be like, wow. I was letting Sam know who we were traveling with about the page three girls. He was shocked and horrified. And then we looked up the history. You won't know about this because you didn't have this newspaper, but in the sun, they used to put a topless woman. I think there were lots of other newspapers. All right. It was the fucking sport rag and the daily star. I apologize. I won't say that. Oh, this is a long time ago. We finished doing that in 2017. Yeah apologize. I won't say that name again. Oh, this is a long time ago. We finished doing that in 2017. Yeah. And then we were looking at a long way. So we're really, it's like in, in 2004, a law was passed saying they had to be at least 18, no more 16 year olds with their norks out. Yeah. Do you know that? Do you know what

they, what it said on the pages? Well, I'm told they also changed that because it used to be like, Ooh, she's lovely. Get a bit of that. And then like the 90s, they were like, this is Sally. She is a barmaid. She's studying. Oh, no. No, no.

They had a little quote from the girl. Oh. So in the Daily Star, it would be a picture of the girl with the best pair of fucking bops you've ever seen in your life. You don't want four words for breasts. And it would say, uh, Sally and she'd like pick a side on like, you know, Gaza or the war in Ukraine.

She'd be like, I think what's happening over there is awful and stop right now. But also look at my tits and that would be like a quote bubble above. And that's how you help you formed, you know, public opinions. How consensus finally rallied around. We need to find private finance for HS2 tits. And you're like, God, we do need faster trains. How dare Rishi Sunak have robbed the north of HS2. What's he done? Well, when he said it's just going to Birmingham, we're not doing the big one up.

Runcourt have done themselves up for no reason. It's the last time I paid any attention to politics was Rishi Sunak. I dressed up and they've been stood up by the train. Remember when he'd like the gentrified. Is it not coming up here now? It's not going to be. He fucked you. The Tories have fucked you again. You knew, you knew all the prime ministers for about 40 years. Yeah. I used to read the spectator and the new statesman. So you're just interested in British politics until I had children and I stopped reading anything anywhere. But there was a while. What some fucking bluey. Oh boy. It's bluey. Bluey is our best cultural export. Maybe. Nominal neighbors. Bluey. That's it.

Nah, come on. Home and away. Savage garden. Oh, sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Shame one. We got warning. We're not anymore. Steve. Steve. He's totally trying to think of what we got. Natalie and Brulia. I love that you all know Natalie and Brulia lady had one big song and cover and you know, it's great. What a song. And snort cocaine off a man's penis. Didn't know she did that. Damn it. Have I dreamed this? Yeah. Oh, that was my hint. James, I thought you were going to go, yeah, that's a famous story in Australia.

She doesn't even look like Princess Di and you've got that all crossed out. That's very funny. And then Princess Di. I always mix them two. Yeah. That's a mistake. Petri bite? Yeah. But I don't think that's no one has.

I know it's Australian. Yeah, it is. But I don't think it's exported because no one wants it over. Steve Evans, your best, the best thing you've ever done. I was at school the day they told us that Steve was dead and we all know I was shocked, but we were devastated. We all thought, yeah, at some point he was the fucking guy. He was jumping on a stingray.

You don't say that that had negative consequences, but we were very hurt. He was now I realize, Oh man, Aussies that are known around the world. Ralph Harris, we gave you Ralph Harris. Well, uh, young and old, I think. Yeah. But the old ones, No one's really got a problem. We're saying the only fuck kids. No, we did prison time. He got convicted. Listen, it was at a, it was at a time where you could be 16 with your buzzy's out in this, in the Huck to a rag, whatever you call that. What do you call it? Haley? Well, she's by the way, she posted

again yesterday. Well, she really apologizes for having been involved in a crypto scam, but she, yeah, she wasn't, she just got basically got told to put her face on it. I believe that she didn't know what she was doing. Of course she didn't. Yeah. There's no guile or malice in that woman, but she's back. She posted for the first time. She's capable of it. It was like a parody video of her being asleep and having nightmares of what's happening and going, Oh, Oh, that didn't happen. And then she put, did I miss anything? Cause I'm like, let's forget about that. Hey, I think most of the comments are we've missed you. Thank you for coming back. People love that shot. The Hawk tour girl. I mean, I quite like her, but is that how it works? You just take three

and four months off and then people forget. Yeah. Genuinely. I could use a scandal like that. I'd love a rest. I love a little rest. Just four months off. Yeah. Big press. Everybody's talking about you. You're lying on a beach somewhere with millions of dollars in crypto. And then you come back and you go, whoopsie daisy. Can't believe I've done that. Sorry everybody. Whoopsie daisy. I can't have the money back. It was an expensive holiday. What are you most proud of Australia for then export wise?

Oh man. Have we got the ashes at the moment? You'll know. Yeah. That's pretty good. I don't really follow cricket very closely. I think it's a bit like the sort of voting of the UK when it comes to government. Yeah. It's mainly Australian. Yeah. Every 15 years or so you fuck it up so much. It's the English. We get degenerate. We beat that gold need. I remember when I

watched that ashes that don't blow up 2006 channel four, like Ponting and Brett Lee and all that. It was suffocating as a kid because it's the most boring sport to try and get into as a child. And there's no drama because they're just like, we're the best. We are number one. Everyone else sucks. It's like, imagine if you had sucked for 20 years and then all of a sudden you have a good, you have a great run. That'd be very exciting. It felt hubris. It felt like, you know what I mean? They wanted it as well. All that like the Aussie players really, they go in there like it's like the NFL. Yeah. And I think still we're still like the well played. It's just, it is, it is. It's like when New Zealand, so they love rugby in New Zealand. Oh yeah. I adore it. And they got so good

at it. We just, they love doing that very spooky Tommy Cooper, but we we just stopped paying attention When they do the hacker we do Tommy Cooper Brilliant what a comeback Did I believe he died on stage By the way, I haven't we haven't had a guest like this that has matched our ADHD. Yeah. This is phenomenal. No, this is great.

He died and he put the care and I was like, ha ha ha. I was like, no, he's dead behind us. Is it live telly? Yeah. No. Live on TV. And it's like, you know some heart attacks take a minute. It's not one of them. It looks like he gets shot in the head. He's doing it. He's like, and then he goes.

Best type of heart attack. He died doing what he loves. Spoon, ja, ja, ja. The crowd are laughing because they think it's part of the app. And they kept laughing. And there was another, there was a legendary UK circuit comic called Ian Cognito. Okay. And he went the same way about five years ago. A gig in Banbury. Yeah. But as he was having a heart attack, he's his last words were imagine if I just had a heart attack now. No, have you seen that woman who got the vaccine saying the vaccine's fine and then collapsing on stage? No. Yeah, it's a, it's a great one.

She starts stumbling around and spluttering and I think she's fine. That's what makes it really fun. She's literally talking about all these people think the vaccines problem. I got the vaccine. I was doing Tommy Cooper's act. Oh, you had Ken Dodd. I didn't realize he was a liver puddle until I saw him at the, you don't have Ken Dodd. Yeah. We know love Ken Dodd. Who's white. What is that? That's that's dogs, dogs dead. I didn't follow along. He refused to pay taxes and he stored it in his loft. He had millions of pounds in his loft. And then he went to prison for like a little

bit didn't he? But like never ever paid the money. I don't think. And then came out and was just like, I'm back. And everyone was like like you'll kill you. Yeah. That's not the worst thing that a man who was famous in his era did. Oh no. He's totally a bit of tax evasion. A bit of tax evasion. Where's the victim? Oh man. I love that he was evading tax, but like really brazenly. Like it was all the money was in his house. He was like yeah. And he used to do shows where he would do his new hour. And then at the end of his new hour, he would just start his last hour. And then the hour before that, and he would do like six hour shows and he'd be like, just leave whenever you want, but I'm just going to do the hits.

Like Dave Chappelle. Well, I've gotten to see a couple of the Dave Chappelle long shows now. And he's, he's just riffing new, very drunk in a basement in New York or in his place in Ohio. I saw him at his birthday party and a man wore a weird coat. And he just talked about this man's coat for an hour and he's recording everything. So somewhere there's like, and he's dying for 30 minutes. And he keeps going, I'm dying at my own birthday party. Look at that coat. And he put on the coat. The timing is impeccable. We could all dress up and do that with Israel and Gaza

for two hours, very drunk, viciously indicating he'd like another drink so he could really solve the problem right then and there. I do 20 and I'm like, I'd like to leave now. I'd like to leave immediately. This is as well as it's going to go.

We have to drag it out for the rest of the show. I can follow in that to like push. I'll get me out of there every time. And I don't want to, I start, I now meet people afterwards because it's nice and they're happy, but I go, I, for years, I didn't do it because I was like, I'm disappointing in the flesh. You know what? You know what I mean? You've seen me do my best possible thing and now you hello. We watch, we watch stand up in here. It's not that often is it really that we watch stand up, especially as a group. Yeah. And about three or four months ago, Adam was like, you need to see this bit.

And it was your film he wants bit. That makes me feel nice. And we all sat out there. I'm absolutely pissed. I think it's been on a couple of times. And then quoted it for ages. Oh, we quoted it. We referenced it on the pod to make each of the laugh,

thinking that everyone would know what we were talking about. And I saw someone in the comments go, that film we want, but it was great. Thought we'd just riffed there. So I thought I'd, I came up, that was in COVID and Adelaide was weirdly open because we showed everything else.

This is a story of that bit. That's the first time I'd done that joke. I've done it three times ever. I did it that night and I recorded it and I tried two other times and I couldn't get it to work. I was like, I'll just put it the one that I don't know why I couldn't get it to work. So I put it out and I checked with it. I was like, has anyone done this before? I put it on Reddit. I couldn't find anyone who said in your head, this must have been, it's got to have been done before. And someone said, Demetri Martin, I looked up all the Dmitri, he didn't do it. It comes out, it goes very well. And then someone finally goes,

David Cross does the same premise. I looked at that it starts the same. Then he goes in after three, he goes in a different place. I thought, if I'd known that I wouldn't have done it. But there we go. And then sometimes people go, you fucking stole from David Cross, you dog. I felt bad. Then a man from LA started reaching out to me on Twitter being like you've stolen my joke that I did 20 years ago at the comedy store. I was like I've never heard of you don't have a big following I

don't know who you are it's impossible. Who the fuck is that guy? David Cross at least but he was like you and David Cross have both stole my bit. I guess it's just something that's pretty easy to think of. Has he put this online? Yeah, he wrote to me on Twitter. No, no, I mean, is he, is he, the guy clipped it? Yeah, he put his online more recently just to go, fuck you all.

And then it's all people in the comments going, but this isn't very good. And he's like, yeah, but I'm, I'm the first one who said, for me once, for me twice, for me three times, for me four times, for too long. Huh? Huh? But I really, I'm clen one who said for me once for me twice for me three times for four times for too long. I really unclenched when that happened because it's like it's a common premise and I feel good about it now. It's a brilliant best on the go and search out if you haven't seen it really go and see

the David Cross version. This guy Lou I think his name is God bless you Lou. You're a visionary and you did, you did come up with it first. And I'm sorry that I definitely did steal it from you. Lou. I had, when I was four years old, I sent somebody to the comedy store to specifically get your act and I'm glad that's why they won't let four year olds in the, in the comedy store because they're always stealing stuff. They say they say they say You see them with the crayons just nicking bits But they do have that was a big thing is bit nickery in uh the store in LA Who was the guy who was the who was the who was the Robin Williams?

Yeah stories they had a light that could go on for when Robin was there to let people know don't do your good material because Robin's here and he might take it Yeah apparently that's true Wow is that true? What they say I don't do your good material because Robin's here and he might take it. Yeah, apparently that's true. What they say. Not really. He would do it by accident. He would just like, he would just be on stage riffing and then he just, well, he started doing milk and cookies and he started doing, you don't understand.

I ain't scared of you motherfuckers. He started doing, they sell pussy in a can. Motherfucker be sharp lifting. And he started doing. Anyway, you don't understand. You don't understand. Yeah, I understand. Bernie Mac's the greatest of all time. Never did a special. They've recently released some Bernie Mac stuff. You can't hear what he's saying. Someone in the toilet is recording it on an answering machine or something. It's a boy.

He never do special. He did the kings of comedy. You can't go and listen to, I think an hour start to finish Bernie Mac. It's not hastily assembled somewhere. If there is, let me know about it. I'd love to see it, but it's a lot of spots. Yeah. Is that your dream? Never put a special out and just, no, I did. Well, I recorded a special and I got food poisoning because I had raw milk and then I lost confidence in the special and cut 40 minutes out of it. Raw milk on pasture. Yeah. Sorry. There's a lot going on there. They were selling that straight from the teeth. Yeah. They added the tit and into a bottle and I guzzled that down because I was at a farmer's market and everyone else looked weak and soft and liberal and then

the raw milk man looked strong and broad and pure and good. I saw, yeah, I'll have some of that right wing milk that I've heard so much about. And I had it and I left a friend who was like, please don't drink the, the raw milk. I was like, fuck you socialist. I will have my unpasteurized and then just vomiting green bile, shitting green bile. I've never had pressure like that. Like a hose with a thumb over it. Really exciting stuff, both ends. And now I've become lactose intolerant because it's done so much harm to my gastro intestinal. Anyway, so now I'm off all milk. How long ago was that? How did that affect you special? Well, that was the editing week and I was like, I saw, I was like, trust your gut. My gut's saying

this is no good. Cut it. This is genuinely what happened. I love that you couldn't book in a different way to edit it. I was just like, you go from two minutes to 20 minutes. That's it. And they were like, really? We've worked very hard. And I think this was like, nah, I can't do it. I'm sorry. I wasn't on raw milk when I did the special. It was only watching it. So I feel silly and you've got 40 minutes. special. It was only watching it. So I feel silly. And you've got 40 minutes. I see. Is it hello America? Hey America. Hey America is my favorite James Brown Christmas song. So when James Brown was really gacked up to the eyeballs and going, have you seen the CNN interview? No. Yeah. Oh, man. Just be careful. Cause

you're talking to a big James Brown fan. You are a big, no, you are. I love James Brown. I think he did. He had to go, had to have gone with what he did. He was a very aggressive man. I think, well, the interview starts with this interviewer in the eighties, I think going, James, you, um, chased your wife with a lead pipe and shot at a car that she was in. How are you doing that? You're out on bond. He's like, yeah, I'm out on bond. I'm out on love.

And he just starts singing and getting up and dancing. And then she keeps telling her, this is a man's world. And it's one of the greatest interviews. Have you really not? Oh, please. So we did six years for a, in 1988 for the drug field car chase and assault. And he saved just over three years before being released. He needed to dry out. I think he was, but in the seventies when he was on the drugs

and before the public violence, I don't know what was going on in the private life. He released a series of Christmas albums where the songs have very little to do with Christmas. He does, Hey America, it's Christmas time. It says, Hey America, it's Christmas time and beautiful dark horns. Bapadoodoodoodoo. And then it's just about civil rights. And there's I'm your Christmas friend would be my other favorite one, which starts out I'm your friend. I'm your Christmas friend.

And then he gives diet advice and teaches you how to dance. That's the whole song. It's great. So my hope was I call it, Hey America. And then people would follow up and go, what's this next one? I'm being suggested Christmas song by James Brown in the 1970s. It's got very little to do with Christmas. Big fan. Huge. How has James Brown become such a artistic influence on your life? I think the biggest comedic influence I have is Janice Brown. I don't know if that comes across on the stage, but I listened to live at the Apollo volume one. Step back, kiss myself. I listened live at the Apollo volume one was cause I used to read British music

magazines. I would read Q and uncut and all the, you had a lot of good, Mojo, Karang, we never got Karang. Much, the enemy. Enemy, of course. Hip Young Gunslingers Wanted was how they found the first editors, excuse me. I loved them. I would buy them more than I would listen to the music. I would get the magazine I read all about. And they said, they were like, this is the best live album ever. James Brown, Live at the Apollo, volume one. And it's so good. A lot of it is just him shouting about how much he loves Hot Pans. Like, if we to take a minute to tell you all why I love hot pants.

I love hot pants. It's just a long story. And in the end he really builds up to his like, I love hot pants for one reason. The main reason why I love hot pan. What you see is what you get. Crazy. Everybody goes, it's one of the best ever. I want this on Jordan. Yes. The section or the duty. Uh, she was like, we didn't think

about it at the time. They said, you want some music? She was like, I don't know. Jimmy, you pick it as a James Brown. Like the polo volume one, please. How long will this go for? 35 minutes. Perfect. That's the exact length of the show. It's a great album. Love James Brown. Isn't he great? He was wild. Wilder than I thought until recently. Yeah. What's the thing about them? Yeah. I have nothing more to say. James Brown, except that that interview is you've seen it. I also found that interview on him. Well, absolutely. He was aggressive. He's just a very, like, aggressive.

That's where I'm live. No way. That's awesome. At Leeds. Yeah. V 98 in Leeds. He was on the second stage. How was he? Old. as fuck. Did he have his own big band? He had a big band with him? He was like, he would, from day dot he was sweating it up out there. I think with sweat on stage, if you sweat a bit, you're like, ah, look he's a little bit hot. And then if you sweat a lot, everyone's like, oh this is bad. But then if you just sweat so much and you're famous for it, it goes full circle in your mind. Who are the other great sweaters you think? Lee Evans is. I think he's our greatest sweater.

Because he's so, and people would find it endearing. Whereas if you're a circuit act and you sweat that much, everyone's worried you're about to have a heart attack. When sometimes they do as we found out. Oh man. So I'm just great. James Brown classic sunny live in Paris in the seventies. That's a good one. Night train where he's dancing and throwing stuff. Yeah. You got it. Sweat. You got to feel you got to. I mean, when I sweat, I feel very uncomfortable and I stink and I have to hide after show. I don't want to meet the audience. You don't think I smell good. I don't think James Brown was sweating. We're about to watch. He literally tells the interviewer I smell good. I smell good. I smell good. I feel good. Look good.

Make love good. Why and when did you move to the States? Oh man. I got a job offer that I was subsequently fired from because they looked up my stand up comedy and they said, no, this is apparent. I was like, all right, that's fine. What was the job? It was hosting a podcast, but then they're like, this is not a good fit for us. If you've got a sketch about stabbing someone in the throat with an AIDS needle. I think that was the one that they really did.

I think that was the one. Also, whoa, nonsense. nonsense. PC gone mad. That'd be crazy if a PC did go mad and start hitting people with his baton. Excuse me. So I got so, but we were, I'd packed up my house in Australia and I had the visa. It wasn't attached to the job. And I got to go to a place called student villi, Ohio in the Rust Belt just outside of Pittsburgh. So I still had like three months rent and enough money to live for a couple months. So we were like, all right, we can't afford the plane ticket back home. Let's go.

Let's hang out and see what happens. And then on the way over, I went into the mothership and I did a, I stood a spot and I was like, I didn't realize I was getting past that night, but I did. And so when the money ran out, it was like, all right, well, we better go to Austin and see if we can make anything happen there because it's the one place in America I can work and we've got no money. And it's been pretty good since then. But that's how it, and I just dragged the young family around for all of that.

Literally, last two, three years. That's the last 18 months. Yeah. Oh, shit., three years. That's the last 18 months, yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, it's all nuts. And then to relax, I had to take my wife to the UK, which is one of the reasons we came. I mean, the number one thing was there's a show called The Blondie Way, which is made by a wonderful

he's a British skater fashion designer who made his own sitcom that I loved. And it's been seen by about 20,000 people on YouTube. I was like, I want to interview that man. It's the only reason I organized a trip. And then this was just when it worked out. But I was like, I'll give the wife a holiday. She loves it. You timed it.

You got to open for Shane at the O2. You've been traveling. I wasn't booked for that. I was just like, can I be there at the same time? And he was like, sure. Yeah. I was like, is that not weird? He said, you can get up into a spot if you want.

I was like, yeah, of course. I won't say no to that, but that was not originally the, I'm not a good man to take to a foreign country to have a good time. You know, I don't, I'm not a big party on, are you not that guy? Oh man. I love, I'm like, I remember watching an interview with Morrissey after a show where he was like, he doesn't want to go out and chase the girls. What's up with that?

It's because he wants to, he just goes to bed and he reads a book. And I thought that's what you want to do after a big show is just go to bed and read a little book. And then I don't take care of my health in any other way other than not seriously pounding the babies. I get sleepy. I have like four beers and I'm like, all right.

He had a couple of beers the other night. Couple of beers. But like, since you've been in Austin, have you been traveling around with Shane a lot in the States? Yes. Yeah. I've got to, oh, I got to see beautiful Minneapolis. Let me tell you about the Mohican Sun Casino in Connecticut. One of the best casino gigs out there. I don't, you don't get to see a lot when you're on the road because you know, you're in a hotel room and then you're on stage and then you're back in a hotel room.

And then it's not the glamour it's made out like we last year Jack common did Ireland with me. So I had Victoria Angeloni, Alfie Brown, will, it was our videographer, and me traveling around Ireland and we were like, we're gonna have a week in Ireland, we're gonna do so many shows, it's gonna be great. Yeah. But there was no time between the shows. We do a show go to bed after maybe like two or three pints And then the next day we'd get up and drive to the next city do soundcheck to a show

Yep, two or three pints go to bed. You're seeing none of not getting to one museum No, not getting a one IRA monument and that's the other two things we really wanted to do So we're gonna go back next year I do less shows and more time that I've quit drinking for a couple of months and still been going out and doing stand up. I'm shocked the extent to which how much I feel bad in the morning is the stand up and not the drinking. Like I feel hung over after a show. If I, I feel terrible the next day after a show. I don't know if

anyone else. Yeah. No matter what I'm like after the anxiety of doing a show at night is it wrecks the whole day for me. So used to it. It's probably not good for you. Yeah. Generally spikes at 11 o'clock at night. I'm accustomed to it. But, and then, you know, you have a night off once in a while and you go, what am I doing? I'm awake at 11. I haven't had, it doesn't feel like I was going to die. My body hasn't gone into a flight or flight response. Yeah. I used to have that flight or flight flight. I'm flying right away. I'm not a fighter. I'm a flight or flight response. Yeah, I used to have that. Flight or flight.

I'm flying right away. I'm not a flighter. I'm a Hufflepuff. I think that's about time for a little break, mainly because I need quite desperately to go and do a violent shite. Oh, good. Did you get that?

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Your customers are scrolling past your social ads, using ad blockers, and paying for ad-free streaming. But when they're listening to a podcast, they're hearing Acast ads, which are 4.4 times more engaging than with display ads. So, if you want real attention, start advertising on podcasts with Acast. Start today at go.acast.com slash ads. Most babies come out crying, Dan. I came out laughing. That'd be so... It's not true. So disturbing. They don't even smile for weeks. No, I came out laughing.

It's devastating. You put all your time and effort into this baby to be born, mostly the woman, but the men can be there too. They won't even smile at at you. You find that there's a, I was very depressed when my children wouldn't smile at me. Ages, way too long. I think the first six months you really feel pointless. I mean, not financially. You feel very important. Yes. Some ladies love it. Some ladies like love a baby and they get sad as they get older. I'm so happy for the kids not to be babies. It's the worst. That's what I mean. I love having kids. I hate having babies. Don't let me have another

baby because it's the kids not worth the baby. The British aristocracy got it right. Need a milkmaid. You got some humble Northern woman to come in with a milky jugs, take care of that portion of it for you. James. I've got nothing. I've got nothing. Oh, fuck it.

Bye. Bye. All my based on Thomas Green. Yeah. Do you know Thomas Green? Of course. We'd started out in Adelaide together. He's made good over here.

He's not really well, but he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like My Australian accent is based on Thomas Green. Yeah. Do you know Thomas Green? Of course. We started out in Adelaide together. Did you really? He's made good over here.

He's not really well. One of my boys. But he's like this lovable Pomeranian like person and everything's like- Indefatigable. You can be like, oh, by the way, you are called Thomas Green. And he's like, fucking what?

What are you- Don't worry, mate. I just wanted to make sure I said it right. What did you just say? Indefatigable. Oh, there you go. Yeah. You did say it wrong. The fact that I think someone's going to have a full holiday. I always risk. It's always a risk. There's a couple. Now I want you to know if you want to James, there's a word that means cowardly here in Britain that has no root back to the

Latin word for black, but you're still not meant to say, Oh no, no, that's not. Yeah. So I haven't been saying that. Oh good. Just Grenfell. That was tower. What singular tower kicked these Tories out. I don't know what that word is. Let's not dwell. Now we've got a special segment. I'm sorry. It wouldn't take much thinking. Okay. I won't think. It's the one you think in. Yeah. And then Dly. It's got a totally different etymology. It has nothing to do with that other word. But everyone just avoids just to make sure. I'm happy to have that be one casualty of the woke agenda. If we lose that, it's fine. You know, it's more price to pay.

James, we've got a feature. We threw out a slightly different one for you. We threw out room 102. Are you hearing something? Yes, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I don't know if you got Room 101 back in the day. I don't know if it made it over to Adelaide.

We got George Orwell's 1984, but I did look up the Tony, it is Tony Slattery. Am I getting that right? Yeah, he's Scouse. He's so funny and he was on- Room 101. He had an episode of Room 101,

but he was also, I knew him from Whose Line Is It Anyway, and he was my favorite one. And I just thought I'll be seeing more of him throughout my life. And then he, I think he became depressed and didn't do things, but unbelievable talent. Whose line is it anyway? Early 90s was so good. The best day off school. Yeah. Yeah. I also love that they would always say, and now our penis and then the piano player would play, but they'd call him the penis. Like it sounds like penis. That did it for me early and in the American version, even though

they had many of the same guys and also Wayne Brady was very funny. different stuff. There was a lady named Jodie who was on it, I think with big hair. You know, I'm talking about she was so funny. And she and Tony would have a little sexual frisson. The modern version of it is hosted by Ross's Charlie from Friends. No, there was. Charlie from Friends. You know Ross's paleontologist girlfriend? Yeah. She hosts whose line is it anyway now? Strength to strength. Yeah. The most memorable seasons of both of those shows. So we in a unrelated segment have got room 102. Nice.

So if you want something, a concept, a thing, anything you are displeased with, if you just want to fire into the sun, into the great abyss and exclude it from existence. IVF. We've got to get rid of IVF. Obviously anybody watching who is born of IVF or is infertile, you have a beautiful right to life and God bless you. But we've got to get rid of IVF as quickly as possible. Why is that? It's going to open up a terrible can of worms. I mean, this is like nuclear weapon level. Elon Musk is using IVF to make a whole generation

of children. It just occurred to me a couple of years ago and I didn't even say it out loud because I thought it was so evil someone would do it. But if you are a billionaire, you got 10, 20, $30 million to just throw at a lady, you just buy a child. You can buy and you don't even have to have the fun of the pleasure of the making it happen.

We'll be limited by it. You just give us some of your calm and some money and go have me a baby. Or you're raising them in my special academy. I think this is evil and we've got to shut this down. Hang on, hang on. Pump the brakes. Got 16 kids on it. Elon is 16 known children.

As a Musk academy of his own offspring. I believe there's a compound. Wow. This is what I have been led to believe. And it's all kept women, isn't it? Cause they're like, yeah, I believe there's a compound. Wow. This is what I've been lit. The blood it's all kept women, isn't it? Cause they're like, yeah, I'll be financially stable forever. Thank you. I've got enough spunk to populate every woman's pussy on the planet. One come could regenerate a billion people or something. Yeah. It's a single come. And I think this is, this is dreadful. I mean, what started out as a thing where people went, ah, this

poor couple, she's spent a long time on her career and now she's 42 and blah, blah, blah. Billionaires using it to create Genghis Khan style generational genetic impacts, shut it down. No more IVF, adopt. What about, you can use it a maximum of three times in your lifetime and it has to be with the same partner? They're going to Thailand.

They're going to Thailand, they're going to the Philippines, they're going to... Oh, is that the cheap IVF? Because around here, if you want hair or new teeth, it's Turkey. I've heard about the Turkey trip. But you go for... I've got a buddy who went to Turkey. Teeth, Thai toddlers. Nice, nicely done.

Thai titties. We know about the Thai titties. It's the cheapest surgery. for a buddy who went to take his tie toddlers. Nice, nicely done. tight titties. We know about the tight titties. That's the cheap place to surgery. Yeah, Southeast Asia is where you go for us. You guys go to Turkey. You know, London, I don't know if this is true. I was reading it. I was like looking up all the mosques because it seems like there's a lot of mosques in London. Yeah, people get pretty uncomfortable about that. And I was reading

all this like government stuff is like, there's not that many mosques. Yeah, they said there were 2000, there's 1600. Why are you saying there's not that many mosques? But I think like outside of Turkey, London is the city with the most mosques in the world. Maybe I think Saudi Arabia might have something to say about that. I think they might have like bigger mosques or something, but you've got like lots of small mosques. We've got small independent mosques. They've got like one big supermarket. Great big mosques. 478 mosques in London. Oh, it might be the whole UK. Excuse me. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm just saying I've noticed they exist. And I, why is that never on an

episode of Dr. Who? You know, why did the Beatles never write songs about that? How come you're all ashamed of your mosques? Penny Lane, it has a mosque, it has a cult of prayer. Is there any reference to the mosques of the UK in the Beatles albums? It's not going to be as good as that. Oasis isn't singing mosque songs. Liam might have a couple ready to go. They're also not singing church songs. songs. Liam might have a couple ready to go. I'm not singing church songs. No, there's often like little allusions to St. Paul's or St. Paul's. Yeah, you mentioned some of

the nice churches. There is, I read the news today, oh boy. Oasis have got the Hindu times. 3000 Muslims in Blackburn, Lancashire. I never understood that. Mary Poppins. She's sitting outside on the church step feet. The birds tap into a pound happens. Tapens mosques are bound. I just want to acknowledge that there are the, and by the way, I'm happy about it. This isn't room one. Oh, I say, oh sorry. No, you know what? You know what I'm putting in the bin? Cultural amnesia about the mosques. Get around the mosques. You know, the Hindu times? Yeah. Is that a song? Yeah. And is it about a newspaper called the Hindu times or is it about the times when everyone was Hindu? That's no. The title is about the new is the newspaper. The song's about getting high.

They're mostly about getting high. Yeah. So when we were getting high. They're mostly about getting high. Yeah. So when we were getting high, and I get so high, I just can't feel it down now now now now. The next line is Hindu time. When he was high, that's what he said. That's what came out Hindu times. Something else to get rid of speed cameras in America that I Don't exist. Get rid of them. It's great. There are no speed cameras. Speed cameras. I'd say that, but I don't think that's true. They invented them. I genuinely think it was a European. Why are they outlawed? I say on stage that it was American, but they say it's unconstitutional in Texas. So state by state, some states have a lot of states don't and you all just if a cop doesn't see you going way too fast, nothing is nothing that happens. So everyone's just going 10 miles over the speed limit and they're happy. You drive to

the conditions. If it's rainy, you want to slow down because the roads are not very well maintained. But you, ah, it's good. You don't have to look there. I couldn't do this in London. I realized there's no speed cameras for the minute. No speed. And when you get home, you go like, did I get pinged today? Did I get done? No. No. No, I didn't.

Yeah, but hang on. It's great when you're like, oh, I'm on a road with no speedcams until one of the little yellow sunshine buses is parked temporarily. That's the only time I've been done by a camera. I've been done once by a temporary. But that's fair game, innit?

That you got caught by a man. I'm not getting caught by a fucking robot. I don't mind getting caught by a man. That's when people go like, don't send a robot do a that's fair game in it. That you got caught by a man. I'm not getting caught by a fucking robot. I don't mind getting caught by a man. Don't say the robot do a man's job. I don't use ways. You like to use them. It's the way that's the better. Are there more deaths on American roads though? It's four times higher per capita, but the important thing is that it feels nicer than the right. Yeah. It's twice as much as Australia, four times as much as UK. All right. Next one. Here's my idea. We get rid of economy seating on planes. It's gone. And we also, we get rid of, get rid of business class is my different airline, middle class air. Every

seat is somewhere between that. The nice ones and the bad ones. And it's going to be a little bit more expensive than economy, a lot cheaper than first class business class. And you all get like cinemas. No, James, I think, I think this exists. It's British Airways. No, I can't. You get like standard premium on planes. No. Yeah. Not on Ryanair. No, you guys might be doing it better than the American. I think get rid of the seats entirely because I'm so much more comfortable just like lay on like the wall. You know what? This was a thought I had because there's a lot of space up and down on the plane. Yeah. Hammocks. Suspension hammocks that you're not going to hit the walls. Have you got a hammock plane? I've been thinking about this for a long time. Big believer in the hammock

plane. How come no one's got hammock plane? Taking off. Have you ever seen the interview with the fellow who owns Ryanair? What's his name? Tommy McFly. It's Tommy McFly. What's his name? His name is very Irish. Michael O'Leary. I was close with Tommy McFly. Anyway, he wanted to make a standing cabin and a seated cabin. I remember reading about this. And it would be $1 or Euro or whatever for the standing cabin. And he's like, I guarantee you will fill a standing cabin first. And he also wanted to get rid of one of the toilets on planes. So he was going to charge to use the toilet on the plane because then less people would want to use

it. So he'd only need one rather than two. And it would bring everyone's ticket price though. Yeah. Cause they'd have like five more seats. The standing class to Dublin would be fine. Yeah. You just sit on the floor. I bet man I've heard of the air bus, but that's silly. All right. Next one. I've got so many, this one's too long a word. What a motive centered urban infrastructure, but say that again, working around, walking around Liverpool on the way here. It's great. It's like, it's an old place. So it's built for the horses and legs and all these big new places. It's all freeways and spread out and shit.

You should be able to walk everywhere. Get rid of these highways in the city. Walking places. You mean to Venice yet? Swimming too. No, Venice is better because there's no cause. I saw death in Venice. I don't know if you know about the movie or the book death in Venice. I know about. No, no, it's a, it's some German. Anyway, while row is the literary book is about a man who

discovers he's a pedophile and falls in love with a boy on a beach and then just slowly dies. Nothing happens. Not as cool as the Poirot one. Anyway, I was afraid of going to Venice after reading that book. Hang on. So how have you found the states for that? Because like, you have to drive everywhere. New York you can get about, that might be, New Orleans you can get about the old ones,

but like Austin is just, it's just like eight highways and malls that go on forever. It's so spread out Austin. You have to get an Uber. You can't live if you don't drive. My wife doesn't drive and she's finding it really hard. And just to be in London and she's like trotting about Camden town, buying tea towels at King Charles.

So nice. That's what you want from America. Tea tiles of King Charles, Camden town. They love the monarchy and not for themselves, but like that all their glossy magazines about the drama. It's all Megan Markle and it's all how good's Kate. Don't we all love Kate? She doesn't want a podcast. Kate or Megan. The Kings just on a podcast. Hasn't he? Has he started a pod? Just fuck off from us. He's on Patreon. And he's just patron. He did his favorite music like list for Apple podcast. And his favorite is Beyonce, which is how he's, I love Beyonce. He also loves the locomotion by Kylie Minogue.

Great song. It's a banger. Yeah. The production team has spin me right around like a record. Oh, he's the descendants of Nazis, isn't he? So he's got a little song about trains. What? He's the descendants of Nazis.

Yeah. And his club. I mean, Matt, yeah. What? No, it's pretty warm. Bitch mom was a German. Oh God. It's bitch. No, it's, I won't have that. I won't have that talk about our beautiful late queen. She was a dog. She was obviously the sister was better looking, but she was great. Bitch is a great pine. There was hot young queen.

There was early on coronation queen. Good looking queen. Good song. You wouldn't turn your nose over coronation queen. I would. 1948 queen. No, you'd be into it. You'd be happy with that.

I'd have fucked her. I won't have that. You would treat her with love and respect. No, if she wanted like, if she wanted to fuck, I'd give her a fucking good old knob and you know. I reckon we should, if she wanted to fuck, I'd give her a fucking good old nobbing, you know? The highest respect that a man from this town can pay is I'd give her a good old nobbing. What about, has anyone said cancer on this yet? Yeah. Get rid of cancer.

Thank you. Well done. Little too late for me. I got heaps more. Bras. No, some brass. Is there any link between the two? No.

Okay. Income tax. Let's get rid of income. Now that I'm doing a little better, let's get rid of the income taxes. Cause you're earning more. I'm earning slightly more. All right. And, uh, I mean, I used to earn nothing.

So bras bras. Yeah. It's not just cause you're, you're a tits man. You're like, I just think we should let ladies be comfortable. No, but as soon as my wife gets home, she takes her bra off. Who's the bra for? Just let them go. They're all right. No one's asked. That's the white burka. No, but like, if you had two bags of sand strapped to your chest, you'd want them tight, wouldn't you? Cause you wouldn't want the fucking, yeah, as big as a hole.

We've all got penises and the boxer brief has become very successful because you don't want to be strapped high and tight with the penis. The boxies. We say boxes rather than boxes. Excuse me. Boxes. Boxes for your tits. I think a sports bra maybe. I think a old fashioned underwire is a tidy whitey. True. I don't differentiate between the two. I just think if I had a massive pair of tits and not just like these man ones, if I had some proper lub-a-dubs. As we tap the cardigan over the problem areas. I want them strapped up for the day. You can't go jogging with your tits out. No, that's a fact. Laura's always jogging.

That's it. I say that. a fact. Laura's always jogging. That's it. I say that. Imagine walking down the stairs and just like shit on the couch like this. Just end up with a... These are huge tits we're talking about. Let them run wild and free. Let them go.

Yeah. Look, I don't mind them being out and about. I'm just trying to do a my tit... You run for the bus, you give yourself a concussion. That's all part of the fun of life. I think a tit coming out of the bra is good. Oh, it's one of those things where it's- The visual. It's worth the pain of wearing it

for the pleasure of taking your bra off. And also it looks good. They are good. It's a great mate. All right, not a popular one in the room. What about meth? I want to get rid of meth that was in there with cancer. Have you tried it though?

I've heard enough stories, but I'm a downer man. Oh, see I'm an upper, an upper gentleman. I always want to go to bed, but I remember being in my twenties, I would, Oh, a glass of white wine and a codeine and a bath. I know, but crystal meth does sound appealing though, doesn't it? Cause it's like really strong and you're dead. Yeah. And then you're really high. But also you want to go on adventures.

It's made homeless people very scary. Yeah. Can you imagine there was a time when homeless guys had just had a couple of too many gin and tonics? You know, that's not scary. They've pretty much that's pretty much. Yeah. Over here, the gin and tonic and heroin are both very sleepy. I don't know. I had a guy on the going southbound on the Northern line who had an eye tattooed onto his head and tried to sell me a lemon tree. And I reckon he was on something a little

stronger than the gin and tonics. Full fight. I think he might've had a couple of coffees that day. Yeah. Is there any meth over here? Am I very blind? I think there is crystal meth but there's not the epidemic that cocaine is affordable. Heroin, heroin, everyone's crack is doing good numbers. Heroin is doing really well. Not much homo-siever aren't doing cocaine are they? No, because it's too expensive. It's heroin and cider. Heroin and cider?

Great album. It sounds more like a clothes label actually. You get like an outsider store. Would no one try crystal meth? Just once. I just, isn't it? Not even once. By the way, when you, when you have crystal meth, that's not the end of your life instantly. Sure. I mean, people treat these super hard drugs. Can we get some?

But you've got a really addictive personality. I mean, but not so addictive that you're like, oh, I've never tried crystal meth before. Or I've had some crystal meth. No, it takes a while. They call it getting cooked. I've got some friends who've been lost. So you start off on meth and you're having a nice time and you're getting your roof is wayne right crystal meth type.

But then once you get cooked, the brain never really comes back and you want to stop before you get cooked. Right. But you know, when you start seeing patterns in the QR codes and the bus shelters, how long does it take to get cooked? No one knows different for everybody. You never really know when you're going to get, and they all, you get, you get cooked. Oh boy. When you see it cooked. Oh, I haven't, that's been one of the nice things is the homelessness thing in America is through the roof. And there's almost, it's quite charming. The homelessness out in the UK by comparison,

you know, when Shane came on, now three years ago, we talked about the, uh in the UK by comparison, you know, when Shane came on, now, three years ago, we talked about the the sort of heroin problem in it was it Kensington in Philly? Yeah, Kensington Avenue, and he showed us a video and you're like, Oh, yeah, that's definitely worse than we've got. Yeah, he's the odd fellow who comes up to you in the street here and lies about why he needs the money. Oh, we've got a few of the heroin troops, the gangs, the little smack gangs. Yeah. And they also the Scots seem to love it.

Scots going for heroin in a big way is what I've heard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it up there. We had a guy I think pretending to be blind. Possibly not. I haven't seen the documentary transporting. We had a guy last night we're walking through Camden town and he was had a stick and standing in the middle

of the road. And he, I mean, he made comments on how he looked directly at us. I don't know how bluntly he was, but he said, Sam, my friend, he said, I hope you never go blind. I wouldn't wish that on you. And he turned

to me and he said, not you. I was talking to the other guy. I would have given him cash for that. I didn't have any on me, but so I homeless person asked me for cash through the, and I said, listen, I haven't got any. But yeah, none of you kids carry it no more. I'm at me to see if I could even, well, you could just send me money to me bank card. So I ended up sending them money. Nice. But now I think he's got my details. You call them cash points here. Cash points. I in Adelaide for a while people got to have any money. They go, it's all right. I'll walk you to the cash point ATM. It's like, that feels like a mug closer to a mugging. Isn't it? Yeah. I'll take you

there. You can get the money out for me and then you can go. Doesn't feel like charity anymore. It feels like a difficult, uh, what about modern architecture? Get rid of that. You guys got great stuff. You guys got great old stuff. You know, in Jerusalem, like these dark satanic mills. And now it's like, it's better than anything that's getting thrown up now. I love these dogs. What's the oldest thing in Australia? Like what's the thing like structure as in like a place to get like culture like to go and say, uh, I mean there's one story about this might get me in trouble, but uh, when they first landed in botany bay, the Europeans interrupting 600,000 years of first nations stuff, they,

uh, they built a, I don't know, it's a long time and I don't know how long it is. I think it's like 170 years, a hundred thousand. It's a bit long time, don't know how long it is. I think it's like a hundred and something years, a hundred and a bit long time. Long time. And they were like showing the Aboriginal first nations peoples all of their thing. They're like, oh, look at this. We got glass and the Aboriginal. I was like, yeah, you can see through it.

Okay, water does that. And it was like all these things and they weren't impressed by any of them. And someone was walking around upstairs in one of the first houses they'd built. And apparently they were like, is someone on top of me? What is this? They're like stairs. Look at that. And it was the only thing that they were impressed by was the concept of a first concept of a second story. Yeah. Read that in the book about

architecture in Australia. Don't know if that's true. Don't know if that's a hateful rumor. Very touchy subject in my mind. Also stairs are cool. I mean, it's right. We, other than that one, we don't really do stairs because we've got so much land. It's all here. Stairs everywhere. There's no cultural place to visit in Australia. It's all you can go to captain cook's house that I think they moved over from the UK and people get Kevin cook discovered us. He came out from it and people protested on Australia. They're like colonizing filth. It's Captain Hook. This is cook. I believe Captain Cook is also in Westminster Abbey,

which I saw and enjoyed. I wanted to around the Abbey. Nice. The Blondie way out now. The Blondie way. I'm going to try and push people to the Blondie way. It's a great show. But he took took me around there took me for a walk and I know it was not very Christian

It's a lot of like English poets Blake and like you know what I mean? It's all the headliners. It's where the headliners Yeah, it's very stuff But this is weird thing about the Church of England is like pushing together church and state into one you're going to a church is like I was a good lawyer. You go. what does that have to do with the soul? What are we saying? I am. I believe you're a published poet. I yes. I'm a number one bestselling poet in Australia. No, it's true. I think what was the poem called? I just released a book of poems every year. We've got Marlon Brando, 9-11. That was the first book.

My Monkey and I Have Something to Hide. That was the second one. That was a little play on. Can you give us a couple of lines from Marlon Brando? I'll give you some of my new poems I've been working on the way over here. Got one about all the mosques. It's positive. I don't know if I'll get in trouble.

Are we closing on a poem by the way? It feels like it might be on top. I won't stop giving you my poems once I get started. Oh boy, I love getting my poems. I read one of yours. You posted it on Instagram the other day and it was great. Well, I thought you were just doodling. I didn't realize you were a poet.

I thought I'd wrote a poem. Yeah. It turns out it was a very famous poem. I had this confabulated memory. I heard a poem and I was like, I wrote that. But like, it turns out it was someone else. And I just read it. That would it turns out it was someone else. And I had it for me once.

That was devastating. Do you know the poem? Smiling is infectious. You catch it like the flu. No, that's lovely. When someone smiled at me today, I started smiling too. That's how I'm staying. I passed around the corner and someone caught my grin. You thought this full poem.

Then I realized I'd passed it onto him and it ends with, um, get the world infected. And I thought I'd wrote that up until like about five years ago. Since Tom stayed, it was a joke. Oh, sorry. I was just really, really famous poem apparently. All right. Here's my mosque poem. England, Mary England, lots of gay stuff, lots of mosques. That's got to be quite rare. Has that happened anywhere before? Historically, I'd think those two are typically an either or. I wonder how that pans out in the long run.

It's the start of the poem. Do they think about each other? English Muslims, English gays, even if they're fellow travelers on some issues, they must part ways. It's different with the gay stuff and what's left of the C of E who coexist and synergize frictionlessly. Vicar lesbians could not be said to be in short supply. Surely by now vicar lesbians outnumber vicar straight guys i could be wrong i honestly could be but i don't reckon it's that way with mosques sometimes it's that way with gay stuff but traffic seems to be one way i've seen a palestinian flag outside a sauna in soho i have

never seen a mosque display the lgbt rainbow and it's really not my business and i don't have an opinion but it's all that i could think about when I was out in England. And English people, by and large, do not want me to talk about it. They seem to consider it impolite to draw attention to the minarets and all the LGBT flags in bookstores, pubs and public transport. But they're like that with most things the English, they're all about stiff upper lips, and also doing silly voices and watching football and eating crisps. And I'm sure they'll figure it all out. They did with Romans, Normans, Saxons, Vikings, but they did it with generations of bloodshed. Who knows? Maybe not this time.

Is that going to get me in trouble? That's so gross. No. All right. That's a good point. I really felt seen on that silly voices, football and crisps. You got a great country. Jeez.

Also, I love the mosques. Love all the gay stuff in Soho. Fabulous. Clothes. I saw a 24, 24 seven sauna pub. Oh, yeah. Both sauna and pub. No one finds it as funny as I do here, but what you get you go in and you get your little sausages and then you go upstairs and a guy's, you know, that's funny. Yeah. Oh

yeah. That sounds great. I'll have a Guinness and then I'll have me and then, yeah. If you want to go to a gay sauna that doesn't have a bar. Yeah. It's big Jones, Bowman Palace. It's just, but it's like a traditional English as a fat lady downstairs. How are you love go upstairs? I don't think it's that traditional. It looked pretty, I think Oscar Wildwood had a great old time. It was exciting. It was just very fun. And then in the picture at front, it's all like shirtless men in towels, like doing cheers with a cider. Anyway, I thought that was interesting. and cheers with a cider. I thought that was interesting.

Did you go in? I had things to do. Yeah, you got poetry. Is it right? Weak of me not to go and see what's going on in the beautiful architecture everywhere. Boy, I love it. You really loved England. I'm here.

I came here once. 10 years ago. It was the day that I don't know if I said it on stage, but it was the day that the walkie talkie blew up a car in London like fun to the big there's a big skyscraper that worked as a magnifying glass and it blew up a car. And I was here in a relationship and the relationship did not last very long much past that trip. I was sick as a dog and I was very sad. And got to do one thing. I went to the Imperial War Museum and I just walked through the Holocaust exhibit. That's all I'd seen of London was that specific just video testimonials from Auschwitz. And I've got to say there's more to it than that. I've discovered that on this trip. Really, I thought that was. I think you've really gone the first trip, maybe gone a little bit too hardcore. Second time, gay sauna pub, a little bit more like I move for gay sauna pubs.

article. Second time, gay sauna pub, a little bit more like, for gay sauna pubs. I got Shan Radzahan was like, that's the windmill. That's a very important historical strip club. They kept it open during the war. It really moved me. Your knowledge of British history is impressive. progressive? I don't know what's I don't know nothing about. I'm just a humble Bingley. Yeah, so I'm a little British. I mean, I was I watched Brexit with great interest. And I watched all these I go back and listen to most people over here did to be honest, I made so many big promises on both sides about this will be catastrophic and everyone will be fucking dying in the street if we have Brexit and then you're fine. But then all the Brexit is like, we're going to be so strong, we're going to be the best country in the world.

Say, well, you're not using Brexit. There's more you can do with it. I reckon you get that empire going again. That's the plan. All right. We've all got our eyes on Haiti. They need some help. They need a strong hand. Okay. We'll go and sort that out. The hazy special. I love the Haitians. I love everybody. Or maybe I said things that are going to get me in trouble. No. All right. All right. It's been classed. Have you? Where can people find you online and plug your special? The James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. I'm trying to buy a boat with a podcast. James don't force became catamaran plan. I'm trying to buy a boat with a podcast James F. McCann catamaran plan $500,000. I'm gonna try and buy a boat. And Hey America is the special and books poetry Splish Splash Marlon Brando 911 new ones coming soon thinking

of calling it. I haven't decided what the court probably won't be based that poem might not make the cut haven I haven't decided. I mean, what a great country. What great. I'm proud of you boys for getting up and doing it. You led the charge. I've been watching this show. I've known about it for years. And you really, the mainstream thing was dying. And you just you did it. You had a show top professional show. No one's doing who else is doing that in the UK? People having fancy pretend restaurants in their mind with no video No video. I want to see the video you guys said you want to see the coach in an attic in Liverpool Oh, I would love to go James a castor if you're watching and that lovely other guy That's the one I would love to talk about Papa Papa Dom's or bread. I can do that too.

I've just had spicy Papa Dom's for the first time. Have you really never had it before? They brought out this thing on the table, little bowls that turn around. And I said, this green stuff is tremendous. And the man was like, mint yogurt. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. Lime pickle.

Wow. That's what you want. So many. I love, I'm sorry. I'll keep talking forever. If you give me the chance, we've got things to do. But I mean, well, there are other podcasts you can help me get.

Have the, have the, have the dream restaurant boys, but on this show, No, they have not. Get on down. Let's synergize work together. You're right. British front. We can get you on all the podcasts.

I don't know if you can get them on ours. All right. I want to get on task master. I want to meet Greg Davis. He seems great. Bob Mortimer. What are these? He's really good.

I really, but Bob Mortimer is like dream guest. Oh my God. Absolutely. At the end of an episode. Get on down. At the end of every episode, we do a call to action for Bob Mortimer. And then after that, Finn, you play us out on a tune.

Have you got anything to mention before we go? Well, Mayday's Rose almost done, isn't it? The tour's nearly done. So we've got Leeds and Newcastle. Some tickets available for Leeds. Newcastle is going to sell out. So if you fancy that, that's the 9th of May. And I've got loads of Adam Rome, Friends, Wake In Progress shows. I'm just fucking around running a new hour. I've got two full bits, I think. Dan's Anthems, karaoke, all the good stuff. Dan's Anthems is on the 20th of April. Come and see the first ever Have A Word Day Rave, four till 10 at Bongo's Bingo.

And then the Saturday after, if you don't fancy the full dance party, me, Finn and Harry are doing a karaoke party at Teddy's on Saturday, the 26th of April. It's 7 till 10 and it's the best night out ever. It's great. All the links are in the description. There's not many tickets for that so jump on it. Yeah we've got a tune this week. It's a band called Solasta. I think that's how you say it.

S-O-L-A-S-T-A and this is their tune, Fading Away. They're an alt rock Basque band. Thank you James. It's been Elegance in every kind of way Don't believe her Daunted in your mind just to persuade Fall for aesthetics We'll just hold her in An escape from the ring I thought Make it better You're fading away Oh, you're fading away

You're fading away Been here for today Here for today But I don't know where she goes They wanna stay up, we wanna get there Can't ignore the looks of a sausage So such despair, hope is passed to your neighbor The neighbor you'll save you while you place it in your arms But look at that fucking fear as you're falling back now A sea of solace comes to show a recollection of those And you know what, if you know

Can't cultivate you anymore Because you're fading away You're fading away Been here for two days, here for two days But I don't know where she goes I don't know where she goes I decide And I see a hundred and letters to the people you visit And you sell your positions because you sold your soul A hundred and little to the people you visit

And you sell your positions because you sold your soul A hundred and little to the people you visit And you sell your positions because you sold your soul The And then you'll take it away