Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #324 with Paddy McDonnell - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: April 13, 2025

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comDan's Anthems: https://www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Liverpool/Content/DANS-ANTHEMS---HAW-Dance-All-Dayer-4pm---10pm/40595747/Comedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's Karaoke Party: https://skiddle.com/e/40472096Listen to Finn's new single 'Cherry': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/CherryAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Turtle Beach | https://turtlebeach.com/word10Level up your game and get 10% off @TurtleBeach with code WORD10! #turtlebeachpodLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Manual | https://manual.coGet 45% discount on the initial at-home testosterone blood test kit with code: WORD45Merch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. You know what that bell means, don't you Dan? Start of another brilliant have a word episode. Whoa, yes. And ring a bell if you've got the best Patreon in the UK. Patreon.com slash Have A Word pod.

If you're going to enjoy this episode, you are going to love being a patron. 30,000 lids, can't be wrong. For as little as three pounds a month, you get an exclusive episode every Wednesday. You also get early release of the video on a Saturday morning and then the specials call. So many specials. We've been around the world baby. I'm back. We've got drunken here and then we've been around the world. India, America, Amsterdam, Spain, we're going to Turkey. We're going to see the whole of the world and you can come along with us for just £3.

That is cheaper than a layer pack. Sign up and join the LID Army. Also, we're on a stand up tour, the Murderers Row stand up tour. There are a few tickets available in the remaining venues. So have a look at have a word pod dot com where you can buy tour merch. Also, if you like extra content on top of your extra content, we give you that. We've got film club Q&A's, all kinds. And me and Harry Robinson, I've got the sickest new podcast on the block, which is you that. We've got film club, Q&A's, all kinds. And me and Harry Robinson have got the sickest new podcast on the block, which is Mad That.

I've got a dance event in April, April the 20th for Dan's Anthems. DanNightingale.com for that. Adam's got some live shows coming up. There's loads of chances to see us, but it all funnels through the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Have A Word Pod. This episode, as well as many others like it, is an absolute belter. Three quid. You look good today. Thank you. I love you.

A lot of people say we don't get on an episode, but as soon as we're doing adverts, we're best friends again. Come here, you. Come here. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have Our Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. I wear long sleeve t-shirts, no?

Ah, you're a sleevesman. But I roll them off. You've got a rollable. So you don't wear long sleeve They are long sleeve t-shirts. They're just rolled up I mean you can really cut out the middleman here and just get short sleeve t-shirt. Nah, that's not style She gets you put a length. Yeah, that's Well, yeah, right. So you how much have you invested into long sleeve t-shirts and This one. Oh so you've bought one item of clothing and you're wearing it? New woman. Where's it from? I get it. Everything's different. Madewell. They really sort of stuck the landing on the naming of this company. Is that a shop that you can go into? It's an American shop yeah. Madewell. Oh nice. It's online shopping.

I bought it in Texas. I just found it in my wardrobe after months. I found lots of clothes this week as well. I'll remember that. Yeah. And you made up, like you got a new thing. I took five bags of washing to the, I, I found out that if you, uh, create a pile of clothes in your spare room called, I'll take that to the dry cleaners and forget it to there for a year and then take it to the dry cleaners it's like getting new clothes. I got so many new clothes this week. It is. Just buy loads of houses, forget you've got three. You're like you got a new house.

It's great. I got my mortgage approved this morning. Hey let me do the applause. Oh no, you've not changed it. Finn that needs changing immediately even though I told you not to. Oh, that is the worst applause sound ever. Nice update, Road. Congratulations, you're a homeowner.

Not yet. They've said yes, they'll lend them money. There's still speed bumps to come, but luckily... My car's got a lot of suspension. Ah, that old saying. That old saying. Horses bolt. Horses bolt. There's no speed bumps. You've got the will, they've got the money.

Let's call the whole thing on. There's no speed bumps, there's just a long road. He's been on that long road. I spoke to me guy. He looks like Forrest Gump when he was doing the running. Who's your dude? Same dude you had. Joey! No, not me lawyer.

Oh, you mortgage guy. I don't know me lawyers. I'm not fucking getting to know me lawyers, mate. You've got a team of lawyers. You've got Johnny Carchden. That's what he does now. And you want them. He buys houses. You want the Ranger. Or Bootle, wherever you want. Sam, he's great. He's boss. Go give him a follow on it. Sam's been brilliant. He's got me me. Oh yes. And he said to me today, he's like, there's an old saying in Morgue.

Many speed bumps will come, but you've got a good car that you've recently serviced, so that will be no problem. Also, it's an SUV. It's built for the terrain. We always say, no, he said when it comes to when it comes to solicitors and buying houses, the massive nobbed, those who shout loudest often get seen first. He said to just keep shouting at them. I tell you, he said to you, you can't let them live.

You're gonna find that difficult though. Why? You're such a quiet, meek guy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, so it's a bit like A&E. Yeah. That's not true. Oh, it is. No, when was last time you...

People in A&E now, if you shout, like public opinion, like you can't shout at anyone who does any job anymore. No, I think he means loudly ill. Like if you're going, ah, they're gonna see you. But the smackheads who just shouted at the staff, they get seen last, mate. Oh, I wouldn't shout at someone. I'll just shout, oh, you know, so the sound travels.

I would just, yeah, if you, how long can you be loud for before someone goes, you've an A&A, just get this fucker treated. Yeah. They did treat you eventually. You probably end up in a different hospital, but you will get to see it. The waiting times in psych boards. We've triaged him. Fucking mental. But yeah, you need to, you need to be not rude, but overbearing. You need to go, have you done that? I think he's got it. Sam said to email them once a week.

I do that every day for a week. I'm going to ring them twice a day. So sorry, the advice from your lawyers is, advisors, is one email a week. What you're doing is two phone calls a day. Yeah, right. And then shout. Yeah. Me, me.

Just, yeah. Well, I'll just, I'll let them get into work. They'll start work at nine, won't they? So I'll let them get in. I've got a little bullshit first hour where no one does anything and they just finger each other in the coffee room. Coffee machine.

And I'll ring them about 10 and be like, where are we? And then in the coffee room, coffee machine. And I'll ring them about 10 and be like, where are we? And then they'll be like, over here. And I'll be like, right, cool. And then I'll ring them again at like fucking three o'clock and they showed in that five hours of made progression. Otherwise they're not fucking doing anything. No, you got all the ones though. Why? You got other jobs. No, that's why them. Yeah. They can fucking sleep on the streets or with the fishes for all I can say. Oh, threat. Wow. Don't do that. Who else is buying a house? They're dead. All right. But yeah, you need to, you need to be on. Have you

done that thing yet? Even though I only asked you two days ago, can you kind of be done like right now? What thing? That's what I'm saying. You need to be on them. Oh, even if you've asked them. He's already forgotten the phone calls. Phone calls. Morgan, you're buying a house. Come on. I thought you were reminding me of how good I am. Even if they've gone, you need to go. Have you done it now? Because then they go, anyway, this is boring. Are you having a like a house woman might have a dinner party. The

worst of the parties. No, they're not. They're good for people who like food. You're just a pedophile. Oh, I don't have a pedophile dinner party. No, right, no. I'll just have a nice party. A fun, you know, place.

Connect Four. You're gonna buy a table? You can play Connect Four at me dinner party. Ah, cool, I'm in. We that will do it, Dan versus food. House warming. You're going to buy yourself a big table. If I do that, would that make my entire house tax deductible? Yep, I think, yeah, with your accounting, absolutely.

Hang on a minute, you live in here and you're on a podcast? This is all tax deductible, this. That road out there, the cars you own, the mormies. If you've got your... You saw someone else's car today. If you hadn't seen that, that's not part of your life as a podcaster. That's a write off. Yeah, I think big party will go. But you have to do a big party.

I'll do a roast. Great. He hasn't had a party. He's never had a housewarming. He doesn do a roast. Great. He hasn't had a party. He's never had a house warming. He doesn't like people coming round. Yeah. I like seven people coming round and having a bite to eat. That's what I meant. That's tops. Seven. Seven. Three couples and a sub. It's good innit? I'm a sub. I'm a sub. The best is two. Cause then you can pair it off. If there's seven, you've got to go and talk to them. I have to talk to you as well.

Seven's a lot, mate. Trust me. You know, you're not having quite a lot more than that at a party. Not in my house. Because they'd be upstairs in the drawers and stuff. That's why you don't want to have a dinner party. Potential theft. Nobody will be like, oh, that's a lovely vase. And he's volleying or something,

and he's got vases, but like, this tap's nice, and he's snapping off. I think Carl doesn't let people in his house in case they do exactly what Carl was doing, someone else's house. I know what I'm like. I like two people in my house. You. You and Sofie.

Yeah. Me and you, that's it. Best dinner party ever. I don't know, my house is where I go to not do things. I don't want to do things in my house. Honestly, that makes total sense. Yeah. If someone's coming to my house and making me do things like, no, I can't make you do things. No, they can. Cause I've got to prepare. Right. On the, on the flip side of that, the only time the house ever gets properly cleaned. Oh, it's been clean this week. So I think has lost her mind. Right. She's like, she

hasn't got enough to do. Yeah. She's like pre wedding nest. The house needs to be spotless. Why? Well, there's someone living in it for starters. So I mean, it has to be well away. But then she's like, I want to come home to her. Oh, that's really good. You went to a homeless shelter and you, that's really good. But they'd be going through me drawers. Hide the vases. It's not even in me drawers, it's just me underwear. I don't know. When you came round with your lady, that was nice because it's two and it was relaxed. He did it with his two. But any more than that, fuck off.

He should all be in two. How did me house go away? Was it quite quiet in your house? Yeah, got a cat and a dog, me and Sereka bit of music on, but like there's nothing like, I was in the toilet. Is that what you do at dinner parties when you invite people around? I don't know where exactly where everyone is. What are you doing there? Shitting in my vase. Just like me. I was to be a nice peaceful place. It's mad that like I can see the stress coming out of you right now just for putting yourself in that night. Like the idea of people being in you know.

I know, but that's also, he's at a height and like he is at DEF CON 4. Like there's another, cause we are what? A week away from the actual wedding day. Yeah. I think Carl is. I said to Finn yesterday, I don't. It's time next week, we'll be putting your bow tie on

and having a Negroni. We will. And a cigar. They're strong aren't they? My mother-in-law had one at Centre Park. Cigars? Negroni. She doesn't smoke cigars anymore. They're strong aren't they?

Need to get some cigars actually. If we get to London in time today we can go cigar shopping. Oh, here we go. Would you like me to do that? Would you like me to do that job? Or do you want to do it? You could do it. Yeah, you can do it. So you've got a lot on. Well, we need five then.

Okay. So one for you. Same, same. Five per day each. Five per day. Who are you? My mother-in-law. You're going to need 75 cigars. I deselect myself. The ones I got for your arena show in and around that. Big bastards. I mean they were like, they weren't the ones where you're trying to look like Al Capone. Yeah, but I

would not try to look like Al Capone. It's black and white with all the tuxes. I think you should so it I just think all of us go in and go. You'll know what you want You know, I'm gonna all be none of us smokes. We'll all beginners. Don't get like a fucking speak for yourself. Well, I love a puff It's not at the weapon play on. Oh Yellow card No, no, they'll be loads of cigars there. 75.

Yeah. I can't wait for a few puffs. I am going to have one a day. Is it an aesthetic thing or do you like the it's an aesthetic thing of it? No, it is an excessive thing, but I also do really enjoy it at the time. Yeah. And it gives me a bit of a buzz. Yeah. I have one with a coffee in the morning. Yeah. That's I am going to actually do that on the morning of the pill party, I think.

Yeah, because that looks like with a hangover. A hangover cigar in me on these while I'm eating a croissant. Oh, what? We're getting some croissant delivered. I'm having a croissant and a shaker. So you're going to do a 5k run around Tuscany. And then where does the cigar come out? Because obviously you're running every day.

I know that. And I was supportive of it. You're going to do your 5k and then cigar? Or do you just smoke during the run? Saveling it. Going around with the cigar. Shagging kids. No kids there.

I am going to run while I'm out there. Yeah. Yeah. I know you are. But I, yeah, cigar every day of the wedding. I think that's fine. Right. I'll have one on the wedding day, because they make me feel it. So how many do you need here? How many do we need?

Five. I need three. Right. Karl needs probably a quarter of one. That's right. I'll just finish Adam. Is it puff, puff, give? Yeah. Yeah. No'll just finish Adam. Is it puff, puff, give? Yeah. Yeah. No, just get, get five, get five. Don't get the little cigarettes. No, I get the, we got good ones. Cigarillos. Cigarillos. Yeah. So they're called. Well, we probably need a few more. Like, do you want more? Oh shit. Do we have to do wedding gifts? No, we asked for no

wedding gifts. Oh, thanks for that. I just thought I hadn't got you a gift. Just money. Just one's a grand each. What about a nice watch? Boxed. And then a third of one. Oh, yeah, a third of two watches. That's where I'm at.

I'll do the cigars. Thank you. Five good cubanos, because I also want to get treated like a member of the aristocracy again, that was nice. But that's the groom's room. I'm the other shoes, what about Finn? What about fucking Ari? You want this full of pot? You want a blunt? I don't want a blunt. I'm not blazing while I'm there. I'm respectful.

This is how it's going to go. Cubano for you, Cubano for me. I'm fucking buying them. Cubano for the groom. And then I'll get 20 L and B for these. Yeah. Cleaning lady fags. Yeah. Just get some fucking bastards. All right. We need a proper portable fags. You need one for staying Alex as well. Who? The groomsmen. Steven Wulford, behind the camera over there. Alex Steven. I've got on the photos. How many are we up to? Five.

All right, five. Got it, got it. Just get 12 to be safe. I've got a question. Go on. Also, I've been getting bored of wedding chat at home, but it is basically consuming my life right now, so sorry. We've never been this busy.

Me and Carl are going down to London today, accompanied by our wonderful Harry to shoot the pilot of a TV show. That's been an idea I came up with about six years ago that got shelved by every commissioner in the world. And now they finally come and gone, hey, do you want to make that thing? And the only time all the commissioners

from a certain TV channel could be in the same room happens to be tomorrow night. And this is days before we go away. And I think we've done quite well schedule wise. Yep. Cause we've got to do a lot of podcasts, been prepping for this TV show, murderers row, and mine and Dan's own gigs.

Being a fucking hectic schedule, but we're on fire. But then when it comes in here, this is all I want to talk about is the wedding. And the question I've got for you is, have you checked the weather? Yes. Doesn't look good checked the weather? Yes. Doesn't look good, does it?

No. So it says it's raining the first day and the third day and it's overcast the second day. No, it says it's going to rain for six hours on the Wednesday. Yeah, that's changed four days in a row. I've said this, Erika, if it rains, it rains. If it rains, we'll get wet. Yeah. We've had a big chat about it. She was stressing.

But it is what it is. There's things that we can control. We can get stressed about. There's one thing we can't control. Have you looked into doing a Mayan sun dance? I've done a couple. Yeah. So I'm doing it. Yeah. Is that your lesson? You're welcome. Sereka's background on her phone is good weather and where we are so she can manifest. But also I was like, we also spoke to photography, SD works and so she's on April weather. And she's like, when it rains in April, it showers and then it passes and clears up. She said, it's not going to piss down all day. And if it does, it does. And positive because we've all checked the weather. I wasn't going to bring it up, but

Adam's really driven at home because we now think, oh, it's not going to be good. Any improvement on that is a fucking Bruce bonus. Yeah. Yes. I'm not, I'm genuinely not stressed all about if it rains, it rains. It's fine. Are you worried about tornadoes? Always. If there's a tornado will be a bit stressed. Is there tornadoes in Italy? Uh, there's volcanoes. That's not the same thing. There's volcanoes. That's not the same thing, Harry. It sounds similar. Are you worried about Mount Vesuvius going again?

Because they're due. Are we close to Pompeii? Pompeii is Naples, isn't it? I'd say probably 300 miles. I'm right there, aren't I? Pompeii is near Naples. No, we're nowhere near it. And how far do volcanoes go?

Not 300 miles. Oh, big ones. I mean, it would make the sky foggy, but we wouldn't, you know, we wouldn't get hit by lava. All right. Okay. Cool. But the photographer said when volcanoes go off, the fog's there for a bit, but then it clears up. She's got a good settings on it. Start lining as well. Also, you can get the photographers to just like Photoshop the rain out, make it look like it was sunny. That's the problem we've got. We could have just done it in Cheshire and she could have just Photoshopped us getting into it. Oh that would have been good. That would have saved me on travel. Sorry, what do you do when a volcano erupts?

Start wanking. Right, cool. Where have you heard that? History books. Oh yeah, that fella did it. That's the guy isn't it? The guy who's wanking. The wanking guy. Oh, his death shadow?

No, it's him. Isn't it? It's he's ash preserved. Yeah. He's solid. He's covered in concrete like this. You got a permanent rod on. Yeah. No, he come just as it landed. So there's like a fucking bubble going around. It's the only actual jizz bubble in history. So do you think he was, do you think he, he was like, oh, I knew that volcano was going to go. I've got seconds quickly get hard. It was the biggest danger bank of all time. No, I disagree. I think, you know, when you were like 16, you were sat on a bus and like your balls would start fucking rumbling with the boss. I think it was like that. He

was sat on the floor, the volcano, like the early stages of it tickled his balls and he was like, fuck this. And then it went, he just got turned on by the rumblings of the ground. Or maybe he caused a volcano. Maybe his wank was that vigorous. A volcano erupted. It's all good. Don't wank at the wedding. Don't wank at the wedding. If you knew you were going to be encased in the world, you can't enforce that. You're enforcing enough on us. You can't enforce that. You're gonna tell me I can't get sucked off next. You can do it whenever you want behind the closed doors of where you live or in the hotel rooms. Do not masturbate at the wedding. Wait, at the actual ceremony? That's fine. I thought you meant this the whole time.

I shouldn't have to say that, should I? No. I want you at the pool party. Where are you? Like, tell me where you are. I'm in the pool. Who's going to know? The safest place of a volcano, you know? It's not a lubricant water though. The friction with earth. What? Water's not a lubricant. Yeah, that's why he's telling you. You can wank on the water. You just don't fuck on the water. No, it's the same, isn't it? I wouldn't know on the water w No, you can't say him isn't it? No, on the water wanked. You wanked on the water?

What's wrong? You wanked on the bath. What you've wanked on the water? Submerged? No, my head wasn't under the water. No, I mean it was your cock in your hands. Yeah, in the bath? Yeah. You never come in the bath before? And your cum looks like animals. What like people when they look at the sky and they see animals in clouds? No. Or like when he pours the thing into the pond, see if it's any part of it. Have you ever come underwater, like your cum goes all like gelatin, but it looks like it's gone a mile on its own?

No, I've not done that. I haven't lived. You never? So I can't do that at the wedding? Have you done it? You know what I mean? They look like tadpoles, don't they? Yeah, yeah.

Come in the bath. How quickly do you get out of the bath? After you do? That's like. Come in the bath. Yeah. How quickly do you get out of the bath? Well, after you do. That's like the last thing you do. Yeah. Yeah. You don't start your bath with that. You don't crack one out and then go, ah, conditioner.

I come in to the bath and then I definitely don't. Right. Yeah, you come in the bath and then you get up and you pull the plug out and you shower and you try and stay in the shower until all the water's gone out the bath. This is a real system. It doesn't dissolve, it doesn't dilute into the water as well. So you know where it is at all times. Yeah. So you can't dodge it. Right. It's like if you pace in the bath, you've got pace on you, but you don't have come on you if you come in the bath.

You worried about sewer babies, you know, where's that? Oh yeah. Where's it going? What like teenage mutant ninja turtles? Yeah. Little crocodile Adam Rowe living under it. That'd be sick. Wouldn't that require there to be like a fucking sewer dwelling woman with a pussy out waiting for my comes ago. You're a very attractive man. That was a weird minute and a half of all our lives. I still think what he said to the day is the worst thing that we have. Put it on the pile. You said bad ship.

Put that. Put it on the pile. I honestly think you all need to grow up. We got no comment. That's insane. No, it's not out yet. I don't know. Yeah, it's out.

How normal comments are on there. If you go back and have a look, you'll find. Because everyone who watches it's cool. Unlike you fucking nerds. Oh, that was a bit far. Shut up. I'm like you fucking nerds. Oh, that was a bit far. Shut up. What you said. So about constant shite. That's the one. You said I love the hands. It's one of my favorite little ad. So yeah, if it rains, whatever. I'm my last and the photographer said is you get some good pictures in the rain.

Oh, like goo goo dolls. Yeah. I just want to do like a knee slide like cherry on. Yeah. There's that famous video. Everything seems to be broken. I don't know. Yeah. There's a famous video of them in the pissing down rain and they're all soaking and the guitars are getting wet. It's sick. Electric? Yeah. It's a nightmare. Waterproof guitars.com. Could you get electrocute from your guitar? No, there's not enough power in it. I don't think. I don't know. Are the strings not electric? No. Electric strings? What do you mean?

They're metal aren't they? They're metal, yeah. It's plugged into the mains. They're nickel strings. Yeah, but they're not carrying a current. Now Will Hutchby's getting married just because we're all doing it. You're singing at Will's wedding. It turned from one or two songs to pretty much a full set,

so I can't get flattered. I think what happened was he got a quote from someone else and was like, that's a bit rich, I'll give Finn an extra 50 quid. I'm not getting paid for this. I'm doing him a favour, he's good to me as all, Will. He is good to me. Will would not do you a music video for free.

He has offered in the past. Oh, well, you've got leverage now. I've got one filmed gig token to cash in at some point. No, you need a music video. That's the better one. No, a gig's much better to film. Yeah. More expensive. Yeah, but turn that into a video.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, totally. Yeah. All 15 videos? Yeah. So I'm doing... How many songs are you doing? I think it's like 10. You need a fucking agent Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, totally. All 15 videos. Yeah, so I'm doing- How many songs are you doing? It's like 10.

You need a fucking agent, mate. I'll do it for you. Let me see guys. I'm getting paid. What are you gonna do? My client. Somebody will be getting paid if I was his agent. What are you?

Seven grand, mate. I got a plethora of wedding bookings after I mentioned that on the Patreon episode. Get it, rake it in now. 50 pounds. Fucking up there with gangs. It can come now. You want me to play at your wedding? Get in touch. And is it seven grand or are you just doing it for mates rates?

I'm not setting a price now because we can negotiate. Oh, nice. Did you negotiate that price for the day? Different people, different stuff. Did you negotiate that? Oh, that one I talked to you about. I got more than I have. Fucking Basha knew you would. Did you? that one I talked to you about? I got more than I have. Fucking Basha knew you would. Did you? Yeah. Wow. But it is, yeah, you've got a factor

in trouble. What are you going out for? For a normal gig? A normal gig. Say I've got a cool bistro, you know, on the outskirts of Denby. There's a place near you. And I think, God, these cunts need a bit of like music on a Saturday night. It's a Saturday night, two 40s, two 40s with 20 minutes cigar breaks. Two hours and 40 minutes. You're looking at £200 cash. Oh no. You tell the tax man. I do pay tax. Of course you pay tax on cash. Is that what you're going is that Saturday night 200 quid Monday afternoon 200. It's just set. Then we need to work on this. Why? Because you should charge more on a Saturday night than a Monday morning. No, my time is equal equally valued. No, it isn't though, because no,

no, because it's called supply and demand. Yeah, but there's a lot of people that with a guitar that's not as good as you. That's true. Do they know Laura's family? Kay. Yeah, but in Denby, that doesn't mean a lot. It should be your charge at least a K. That's what the case that was for me. A grand mint. Finley grand they call me. Monday morning, a grand. I've been doing this since I was like 16. You're not 16 anymore? No, no, I mean, I started at like 50 quid.

I was just doing it because I like it. I still like doing it. Like yous are the same as Stand Up, aren't you? You still like doing it. Oh yeah, I love those 50 quid gigs. No, no, I don't do it for 50 quid anymore. I do it for free for my friends. But, you know, I'm doing my brother's wedding for free, not charging him. Yeah.

The truth is that you do gig for free sometimes, but it's pretty, yeah, it's always placed one later this month. That's for free. Right. You don't even, huh? You don't need to donate his time. Yeah. The kids want your time. TNT my time and talent. That's what the kids want, your time. TNT. Cheers, Finn. Time and talent. They've saved the cake. I'm just giving you that time so I feel better. What are you talking about? What are you giving them?

Me? Actually, what those kids want, specifically is time. Is. Any. They want more time. Yeah. Yeah, they don't want Finn's time. Oh, you know what I'm going to do now? Listen to Finn.

Whoa. But him... Okay, then you offer the kid 40 minutes longer at the end or 40 minutes listening to you. They're going to pick the end. They don't know. He hasn't got that power, Carl. Right, you can either have some songs or a longer life. The idea is that Finn donates his time and raises money and then that money is used to give the kids more time. Okay, good job.

Thanks. Go and do a quiz for them, Carl. Carl finds I have charity fundraising work. I would not be allowed in there to do one of my quizzes. The Zoe's Place in hospice quiz. Oh, it's not an in hospice gig. Where is it? Bootle, I think.

Right. I don't know. Is it a fundraiser? Someone was like, yeah, we're doing a fundraiser for Zoe's place. I was like, yeah, it's fine. You don't check the email until the afternoon do you? He's a comedian basically. Like that is classic comic. Yeah.

I just look at the calendar on my gig. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whatever. 50 of them. If Freddy bucks me for the gig, I just put Freddy on my calendar and then like a week before I text him and go, what are we doing next Sunday? Yeah, that's pretty much it. Yeah. I still love doing the covers gigs. Well, I'd rather do more of my own shit, but what if someone says a

good era, a grand, which is a nice payday for anybody, but we get to pick 20 songs. Well, I let the wedding people pick songs. I send every song I can do and I go 20 of those songs. I don't want to do that. I do at weddings. What like Bruno Mars? Yeah. Bruno Mars thinking out loud sharing. Yeah. Oh, sharing doesn't do it for you. Does he? No. Massively not that you, he was obviously when you met. Yeah. Yeah. He was lovely. I just don't.

I'm not the massive massive fan of sharing. What happens if you ask for six away sister, I'll give you that. What I don't like Metallica. No, I don't do that on an acoustic guitar. What am I doing? And the sound man on acoustic guitar. You mad? I must be mad. Can't do that. Carly you're mad. All right then five grand. We wanted to be all death metal. I've got to learn a whole death metal set. Or you just do the ones you know. I don't know any death metal. Just get Dean Coughlin involved. He's still got the skills. I honestly think you could just get away with just screaming for 10 minutes. And they'd be like fucking tune. Death metal slum.

Do do do do do. Whack me baby like a wagon wheel. Dean Coughlin, when he shreds, fuck me that is autism life. Can he slap with the bass? Oh in a, he was in a proper metal band when he was like 18. They were all older. He was so good. He got in. I think they fucked off their lead guitarist and he put the clip up. He's actually shown me the Spotify link. I can't, I think they're called Coder. Yeah. That rings a bell. They're fucking class. I mean, obviously not my genre, but when it's your mate and they're going Coda. Yeah, that rings a bell. They're fucking class. I mean, obviously not my genre,

but when it's your mate and they're going, I used to be in this band, they're very good at what they do. But he put it on his socials, him doing like it's manic. What would you be like double bass? Well, that's a little bit. He's a ukulele, isn't he? Double bass is like a big cello in it. I got a double bass. It's like a big cello in it. Yeah. I'd fucking do that. Used to be a trombone player. You know, euphemism. Did you? I tried it one night and brightened in you didn't like it. I can see that as well. Did either of yous do any music? Like play any lessons? Like do you learn to imagine a music? I contacted somewhere last year about Qatar lessons, but then I never emailed them back. Oh shit. And singing lessons. And singing lessons. Same place. I think the solicitor's going to be fun. An ex girlfriend booked me drum lessons

and I never went to them either. So I thought it was quite a lot. Laura booked me singing lessons for my birthday 10 years ago. Was that your first birthday together? I think that might have been one of my first birthday presents. Had you expressed an interest in it? Yeah, I said, you know, I'd love this birthday singing lessons. When we lived in Leeds and I was like, I'm quite excited about this. It was a student who was studying music at the university. And I just went around to her shared house

and went into a bedroom and a house. Yeah, it wasn't everything I wanted it to be, to be honest. So you actually did it. How many lessons did you do? I did three. You went into an 18-year-old girl's bedroom three times. There was no risk assessment. I mean, on for her. I was no risk assessment. I mean on for

her. Yeah. Yeah. It was pretty unusual in a hot in it in some part of headingly. She hot. Yeah. She was attractive. She didn't think what were you singing? And you like going with your own songs. By the way, you sing and she's like, you're right. You nothing I can do here. Now get out of my house. Yeah. I think I did. Um, she gave me loads of different. I think I did a Paulo untini. I didn't, I did a new shoes. Not very well. And then I did the prince of Egypt and blew everyone away. Did you ever set up in a room or were you just like sat on a bed? It honestly was.

I grabbed my no shoes on, she was like... It was basically her student bedroom. You just went in, our housemates were like eating cereal on the couch. You had to go to her room and she was like, let's start the singing lesson. It's fucking wank. She was dead nice. Have you never brought this up once?

Just... By the way... 45 minutes as well. You know the way you don't buy Laura presents anymore, ever? She was dead nice. But have you never brought this up once? She's just uh... By the way. 45 minutes as well. You know the way you don't buy Laura presents anymore, ever. I get it now because she's shiting it, isn't she? She bought you singing lessons in a fucking cupboard with an 18 year old girl. It doesn't sound that bad when you say it like that. I need to get... You're absolutely right. I could do... You know we say I need to re-find're absolutely right. I need to, I could do, you know, we say I need

to re find the joy of gifting. It's payback time for those lessons. And it, yeah. Get her singing lessons lessons lessons lessons, right? Cause then she'll come home and you'd be like, show us what you learned. And she'll have to fucking rub a tit in your face. So I find some 18 year old lad is a student in Chester. I'm just go, go and get your tits out in his room. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's, yeah. She has shown any interest in the pole pole. Yeah. She loves poles. Julia. It's like as well as she was showing interest in? Yeah. Famously not. Twice every three months. She's like, so you, you think I should pole, pole dancing lessons?

Fitness is common now for girls. It's not just for you. I even think it might be like, I almost think it's falling out of the rotation. I think 10 years ago, Bolesk and like, I don't wanna be a stripper, I just wanna like feel empowered. I think, yeah, I think it's sort of- Pole fitness is like, it's kind of lost its stigma of just being a stripper now.

Like people are like, oh yeah, lots of girls, they were. Right, pole dancing lessons. Also, I don't know, it associates like the pole fitness thing with strippers, but no one ever goes straight to firemen. No, they don't. It's the outfits, isn't it? It's when you wear your heels, I think you're really sort of set off in one direction.

Just get it on a fireman outfit as well. Go to Smithies, get it on a fireman Sam costume and then send it to pole fitness. And then not all the stigma gone. So what I'm doing is, as a present, I'm sending my wife stripper lessons at the local fire station. No, stripper lessons. No, no, no,

stop stigmatizing it. It's pole fitness. Yeah. As, as, as a fire station. No, not a fire station dressed as a fireman dress as a fireman. Yeah. So there was an 18 year old student in Chester and it's like a strippers turned up every time. And she's like, oh, here there's a fire. And then you could dress up as Norman from fireman's Hand. You just set the fucking kitchen on fire and Lorna could come home and be like, you're not bad. Put that out and then suck it off. Isn't that his kid? Isn't Norman his kid? It's a legend.

So I play a child and she plays a paedophile stripper fire woman. She'll love this. This is great. Happy birthday. I think I should save this for a 40th next year. This is too good to waste on. I know it's 40, it's been next year for 10 years. In my head. Really good idea.

We'll research that. I think that could work. You're like, oh, I've seen Norman again. She comes in and goes dickhead, puts a fire out. Why does she have to go in there? What's this? Dickhead, blue. Oh, I tell you what, there's a fire.

That's what, yeah, not slightly like Columbia or something, but yeah. No, you send it there and you go, Lord of the house, some fire, hurry up. And then when she comes home, you're just there with your cockles. Oh, Sam, have you been fighting fires in my pussy? You know, it's you.

I don't know. That's how I remember fireman, so she is some. She is. She's Sam. She's fireman, Sam. Right. You're Norman. I'm Norman. She comes home and if I hose. Oh, yeah. Fuck it. Steads, you're a big fucking tit. Fuck it. Steeze your big fucking tits.

Hose. No. Take your hose off. No, you don't want to do hose play because that implies Lord has got a cock. No, no, no. I've got a hose. He goes. It's like bright and all over again. I get a trombone listen. He's got to do something like, oh, I heard you're out the water.

I've got a hose you can use like that. You get the first time you've ever done a South Waelian accent. What do you mean? Good. Thanks. He's never been there either. He should be able to do it though. And his blood.

He has. I've been to Cardiff with him. You have been to Cardiff with me. That's the first time you've been there. It is. Yeah. Yeah. You got ideas.

I'll start Googling. Great ideas. Easy poll lessons, Instagram, Bosch, Smithies, ideas easy poll lessons Instagram Bosch Smithies fireman sound Bosch Bring it up. There's a fire in the house hours be cock get a chip on I'm a child and you can see the full year all the presidents just get it right start using a chip on And she'll be like that's dangerous that you like sure you know what you're talking about and then very aggressive this role She's getting firemen lessons Why you don't want to put a chip pan fire out with your tits out.

That is a horrific combination. The tits won't be out until you fucking her. Chip fat on your tits? They won't be out. Because she's going to have a fireman's hand costume on. Which is fire retardant. For some reason there's a fire. I don't know why.

You've been somewhere. That helps with the role play. Doesn't it? Oh, I've been a naughty Norman. Oh God. That's done. He's got foreign accent syndrome. He's Norman. And is he? He's Norman We're the kids then. Boston. There you go. We play the hits. Break. A break.

We have the biggest patron in the UK and one of the biggest in the world. Sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod and join an army of 30,000 legends. You get an exclusive episode every Wednesday, video and audio, the early release of the video of the public episodes, don't wait like a pub till Monday, and then all the Patreon specials we've done over the last five years and all the back catalogue and my god we've done some stuff haven't we boys? Yeah. Ghost hunts, lock-ins, Nashville, Amsterdam, the roast one, the roast two, India, blind date, India, India's now available publicly and if you want to see the type of stuff you're getting and you haven't watched the India special yet it is on youtube.com have a word pod I think it's still our pinned video Go and watch India and then you'll see

what you're missing out on for just three quid a month. Less than I paid for an Americano this morning. On Saturday, the 26th of April, me, Finn and Harry are doing another karaoke party at Teddy's. There's about 70 tickets left. We would like to pack it out. It's seven till 10 p.m. It's a Saturday.

The vibes are amazing. We're doing a 70s theme. So if you dress up with fancy dress, you're not going to match me. I've already picked my outfit. It's an absolute bastard. Best dressed on the night will win £100 cash. You don't have to do the 70s theme if you don't want to. We're not going to do all 70s songs. Ticket link is in the description of the episode. And also this week is Dan's Anthems on Sunday, the 20th of April. We're doing my my dance party 4 till 10 content tickets available they will be on the door as well because it's on the WhoSiv venue I'll be doing a curated DJ

set Johnny Bongo Felix Leiter our very own Charlie Gray Club Classics Ibiza bangers it's gonna be good times and finish by 10. If anyone, I keep getting a lot of messages going Wednesday next country day. It's going to be in July. Announcement coming soon. But just if you have any idea of sorts of American culture and country culture. Where in July?

Just think where that might be in July. It's going to be then. But it's going to be probably going to be a Saturday. It's a it's a Saturday. Yeah. All right. They had a big date. We're working out Colombo. And I'm coming to that one.

I'm coming to that one. I came to the first one. I'll come to this one. Who'd have been to one before? Well, the first one, when Adam booked it in and it was for Zoe's place, he was like, I want everyone to be there. So booked the day. So we all agreed on the day.

And then because that sold so well, you just booked more in, didn't you? But obviously I gig on Saturdays and stuff. You missed one due to ill health. Well, I got absolutely pissed and puked when I got out of the taxi at home. So I'm probably gonna get a hotel. Have you seen, we were speaking about this off camera.

They're bringing back animals that don't exist anymore. Bringing them back to life. So apparently dire wolves are back. I only saw the headline. Ali Dyer Wolves. Ali Dyer Wolves. What's a dire wolf? It's like a Game of Thrones wolf.

Game of Thrones wolf. Oh, the big ting wolves. Yeah, they're bigger than the biggest gray wolves in America. But they're back. But they're not like- Three of them, some little girl one and then Romulus and Remus. the big ting wolves. Yeah. Yeah. They're bigger than the biggest gray wolves in America, but they're back. And they're not like them. Some little girl one and then Romulus and Remus. Wow. When saved belly of saver tigers. Let's see what they do with them. They're not putting them in the wild. Are they eventually? I think they will. I think that's the plan to repopulate the wild or die. Wolf. Yeah. Why? The big scary fellows. And it's the wild or dire wolf. Yeah, it's dangerous, I don't know. Why? Because the big scary fellas aren't they?

It's the wild, they're not just going to throw them in the middle of Chicago. Yeah, but then if one eats someone, they're going to be like, you shouldn't have re-released them. It's an insurance nightmare. There is bears though. Yeah. Yeah, but no one's made those bears.

No, but no one moved them away either. They're making themselves. Bears, fuck, right, apart from pandas, as discussed. Yeah. I wonder if they can genetically alter pandas so that the next generation of pandas are all just big fuck parties and it's just going to be Bukaki Panda parties. Yeah. Well, just the Chinese to fuck with things. They wouldn't procreate in Bukaki parties. Famously. No, but like, you know, if you're Bukaki and you're fucking and eventually some cum's gonna end up in a pussy and there's gonna be more. You wouldn't see it on a panda's

face for a lot of it. Oh yeah? You're seeing its eyes. Do you think there's any more animals coming back then? What would you like to see coming back? Oh well as I said two minutes ago and I got a save two tiger. Dodo. No fuck the dodos they're the worst birds mate Dodo, they reckon, might be one of the next ones. For what? For who? For a laugh. Yeah, but also they reckon if they bring them back, they might not last too long,

because dodo's- Not with die ones everywhere. Not with dodo's dead, with that they were dead dumb. Yeah. They just walked around. Dodo's died because they're dead dumb. They were just bad gims.

You got the mammoths, the woolly fellas, that are coming back? Woolly mammoths might be coming back. Put them in Chester Zoo, mate, and that'll be a fucking exhibit. Hey, Chester Zoo have just opened a big foot party enclosure. Multi-animal, multi-species. What are we talking? Well, not like lions and tigers and bears. Oh my. They're doing, I think, giraffes.

Lemurs and zebras. Oh what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they showed a video think, giraffes, zebras. Oh, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they showed a video of the giraffes, because the giraffes have never been out of their enclosure. Three of them were born there. Well, I don't know, maybe more than three of them. But that's all they've ever known. And they can see the enclosure.

So moving them over. Yeah, they can see the other places as well. That's not fair. No, no, no, no, no. They can see the ice cream van in the car park. They can see the motorway. They know what's going to happen. They just can't get there.

So for the zebras and giraffes had to do like a, like a get into know you session. Oh shit. What the fuck? Big neck hunt. Yeah. So just throw a few mammoths in there, dire wolves. A giant tortoise is still about.

Yeah. The one who met Darwin's just died. Well, he was the last one, wasn't he? He was called Lonely George. No, he was just on one, wasn't he? He was called Lonely George. No, he was just on his own. Yeah, but he was called Lonely George. He was on his own, he was called Lonely George, and there was no other, he was the last of his species,

but he was dead old. He was the last, I don't know, like 120 years or something. Yeah, but like he'd been the last one for decades. And was Charles Darwin around? 1840, 1850, was that right? Because he'd met Darwin on Attenborough, I think. Oh, he saw a Hock Toowah girl as well. Saw them all. And Shrek. Yeah wow what a life. Is that true? The lonesome

Georgia species is extinct but there's a different giant tortoise. They'll be back next week mate. Well they went extinct because everyone ate them. Apparently they were dead tasty. Animals that are delicious need to just what's dodo burger like no we can't bring them back and eat them all be it's a new dodo's on the claim it's sick now can't be insane with two tigers just look at them as you do some have a word just leave it but halfway through Just leave it. I want it to go back to the start.

Yeah. Remember the first bit of that jingle. It's good on it. Charlie says wag wag lids need you to have a word with my wife or with me. We have a three month old son and when he's tired and screaming his head off, he naps best in a carrier that you wear on your front. When he's in the carrier, you can't really see that much in front of you. So if needed, I've been taking a piss in the sink as it's much better height to avoid any misses with the toilet. She's found out about

it and said it's not on and I need to just aim blindly at the bowl. What's the verdict here, boys? Well, the verdict is, like, just for, like fit like I'm gonna argue for your wife for a second Okay, sit on the toilet Yeah, but you've got the baby in there He's comfy, he's sat on your lap. Just sit on the toilet and you can't miss however, I will say Every time I go into any bathroom and the sink is at like a good piss night I do use the sink and not the toilet. That checks out. It's in the bath as well.

It's easier as well, even easier. It's a bigger target. I think that feels dirty. You piss in sinks? No. I don't think women know this, but loads of men piss in sinks. You've piss in sinks.

I just think this so little needs to be wrong. Like if I'm hungover and I feel rough, if the toilet's just a little bit too far away, I'm like, this is fine. Yeah. You piss in plant pots and stuff. Remember that? Yeah, I do remember it really well. You don't still do it, do you? I'm a free pissing. Sinks are just sometimes just such the perfect place to just rest your bollocks on the rim

of it and it's just... I've taught that to my kids as well. When you need to go, you go. You drive a Bushwee. But now Etta's eight and I think I need to train her out of it because she just dropped kecks and pisses really too much too freely. Like in the garden, we could have the bifolds open. The toilet is within walking distance. And you'll just hear Bushwee!

And it's in the middle of the lawn. That's wild, yeah, that is. Yeah. Wow. I've just been like, we're not getting dramatic and then wetting ourselves. We just have a wee. Someone might start doing that at people's barbecues. Yeah, if she's 17, she needs to stop doing that.

Bush wee! Why does she need to do it? I'll just piss. It's her garden, she does what? Yeah. I think he's fine and I think Charlie knew he was going to be fine on this because look at who he's appealing to. Yeah. But I also think you've then got a swill. You've got to be a swiller. It's happened after. Oh, here's the thing with piston sinks. You, you can never, ever leave any evidence

that you pissed in the sink. And you don't tell anyone else apart from on a podcast that you do it. This is a secret. Like until podcasting and until men started talking about the mental health, no one admitted this. We were all doing it for thousands of years. But no one brought it up.

We just all knew. I knew you pissed in sinks. You knew I pissed in sinks. We pissed in sinks, you knew I pissed in sinks. We pissed in sinks, unspoken. It doesn't need to be spoken about. And it would never enter a woman's head to slap her labia on a kitchen sink. Kitchen? Kitchen?

That is a wild bush wee. Not on the top. You do not piss in your kitchen sink. No I don't. Okay good. No I don't. Okay good. You should never have told her about this. You've broken law, you've broken man law, you've broken bro code, you keep the pissing in the sink between the boys. Also he sounds like he's being a good dad. Yeah. That's the main thing, isn't it? Just sit up. Listen, go to your missus and sit her down and go, hey, I'm going to do you a favour, love. Right?

I'm going to stop pissing in the sink for you. Sheesh. You're like, yeah, yeah, don't worry. I'm going to just sit down. So from now on, when I've got him on me, if I need to piss, I'll just sit down and I'll piss that way. She'll be like, thank you so much. Oh my god.

Then just keep pissing in the sink. Is there not risk of backsplash on the back of the baby's head if you're pissing in the sink? That was higher. It's closer to the baby. I don't know what shape your cock is. Powerful. No, you don't piss into the back of the sink. You piss down. Also, you're not a Shire horse, so it's fine. We can't see as well. So he's just like blindly put it on there. The baby's here. It's gonna, it's gonna. No, the whole point is he can see as well. So he's just like blindly put it on there. The baby's here. It's gonna, it's gonna, the whole point is he can see the sink. He couldn't see the toilet. He can see the sink. So he's, he's having to purposely piss on his baby's head if he's doing that. And that's not, I think you're also relying, you're relying a lot on great aim.

With the sink. Just think just it. Have you never we didn't say you're talking like a man who has no idea what they're talking about. Like it's like, Oh my God, it's like a fucking back. No, it's cock height. You just rested in and go. You must have a little Willie and it means that you're pissing from higher. I've got like, like hard frost. Do you mean it's like frying chicken? Oh, you're a kid. He's got a fucking prostate, like a fucking plumb. One time I went on a, that doesn't sound it. If you get an examination and the doctor goes, your prostate is like a plumb. I reckon you're going to have to take some time. Like an almond, isn't it? I was going to say plumb stone in a bottle. Do you know about prostate? Prostate is meant

to feel like an almond. If you ever got one, don't we? If you ever finger your own ass and you're like, fucking hell, is somebody eating nuts up here? They're like, nah, it's me prostate, that. You're all good. Ashley says, have a word with my fiance's parents. We went on our first holiday and we had an early morning flight.

Because of this, my future in-laws made me drive an hour to Manchester the night before to drop the bags off for a Twilight check-in because that's how they've always done it and they don't want the hassle of checking the bags in the morning. I ended up getting back late barely got any sleep and was so tired that I ruined the first day of the holiday in Portugal by sleeping through it all. I was bitter about it the whole time. Have a word with them boys. Did you know people do this? I don't know.

So say your flight to 10 a.m. in Manchester airport, Liverpool airport. People will go to the airport the night before, check their bags in and go home. So they can get to the airport and not have to check a bag in. It's astonishing, it's more a waste of time. Is this Ryanair and EasyJet as well?

I don't know. I thought they were like just getting... Apparently it's a thing that people like, it's not uncommon. It's peak dad this innit? I thought you could only check them in like three hours before your flight. Yeah but or the day before. The first flight of the day maybe you can just check like... It blew my mind. You have to drive to the airport

and then drive home again or wait, wait in a queue for 15 minutes. Max. Not too bad for you though. I mean, if you got to the point where you're of an age, you know, and your prostate shrinking, I don't know. It's no, it's not plum like anymore. You're an older man. You've got three kids. I see it in your future. You're only like 15 minute drive from the airport, aren't you? Exactly. So that's not too bad. But for this guy, he's got to do an hour to Manchester. It's not even about the fucking I could live next door to the airport. Why am I taking me bags in now? Surely if everyone's doing that, the bigger queue is the night before. I don't think I think that's what you're

banking on. I mean, most of us didn't know it existed until like. What's the longest you waited a check? It's not long anymore. Oh, we have done, we have done some time at check-ins together. India was a record because they fucked it up. But you're not like, it's never longer than half an hour. You've got your spirit levels that upsets people, you know. Drive to the airport the night before? no. Yes, because you're- Just get to the airport. If you're going on a long-haul flight, where there might be a queue for the thing,

get to the airport two and a half hours before, you'll be absolutely fine. Yeah, that's all you need, what does it say? Oh, I don't wanna wait in a queue. Between half four and nine p.m. the evening before your flight, you can do it. Bananas. Couldn't be, could it? Mental. Also, Ashley, just tell them it. Bananas. Mental.

Also, Ashley, just tell him no. Do you know what I mean? That's what we always do. Kill. I don't. Suck my clit. I don't like your new colour. Can't wait for Adam to get married. It's so exciting.

I just want to hear the stories. What do you mean? Yeah, you're going to be my father-in-law one day, but you're not yet. Suck my clit future, dad. So will you take the idea apart? father-in-law one day but you're not yet suck my clip future dad. This by the way is absolutely on the fucking idiot that wants to do it. If you want to be that guy then you have to go and do it. You can't make someone go and do it. No if my missus's dad was like right we're going on holiday and yeah just like before just get some ice just say we'll go and drop our bags off and then we'll go to sleep I'd be like listen fella not

happening and if he was like oh no no money doesn't do this is marrying my daughter I bet you can fuck off so Mike bring me is that an option or is that like a threat if you bring me everyone well that just means fuck off to me I'm not rimming any man who's going to marry my daughter. Drive to the airport. She's saying no. Ashley, I honestly- You don't have to do anything you don't want to do by the way.

I honestly think you need to sort of lay down the rules here. Yeah. This, you're very early in this relationship. He set himself up there. He's got to do it all the time. He's actually a man. Oh, I said suck my clicker. I thought it was actually a girl. I thought you were just being like hyperbolic about your genitals. No, I thought it was actually a man. Oh, I said suck my clicker. I thought Ashley was a girl. I thought you were just being like hyperbolic about your genitals.

I thought Ashley was a girl. But this is something I want all of our listeners and everyone, my friends, my family, everyone, colleagues, friends, family, listen, everyone, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Apart from if you're his conveyance solicitor and then you absolutely do have to do it. That is their job.

You don't have to do jury duty. You can get out of it. But how? You say you're gonna throw the case? Pretend you've got Tourette's. I saw the thing once and you have to say that, I think it's Alan Simpson's, has to say that you're prejudice to every race.

Yeah, that would work. Or just pretend you've got Tourette's, or the shit, or both. They definitely don't want someone who's shitting and shouting shite as well. Shout the loudest, Mary. You're not doing, you're not doing, I don't like him. Don't trust them. They'll be like, ah, we need to get them. So people with Tourette's aren't allowed to be jurors. Well, I think the thing with Tourette's is sometimes people would have, especially if you're the defense, if I was shouting stuff like that, I don't trust him,

they'd be like, I think he's Judd. It would sound like intrusive thoughts that are coming out, which is what some to that says. Some of it isn't, some of it's just, you know, ticks and whatever. But sometimes it is intrusive thoughts just coming out. I think he did it. Like if you shout that, Jordan is trialed. Oh, get on, we can't be doing this.

I'll tell everyone about this. Now don't give them the chair. It's a part of fun. So quite lit. Can you be a case by case basis? Depends. It depends how I'm guessing you'd have to be diagnosed. You could go.

I've got two nets. Look, I just developed it this morning. Oh late in life threats. Late in the day threats. You can develop two nets. Early in the night. So I developed it today. You can go now Mr. O'Drew, I'm feeling better.

Oh his arms are working. He's back. That's not a tick, he's just stretching. I am prejudiced against every race I could possibly see. I don't want to pay for parking. There you go. I need to get jury duty. I can't wait. Oh, what are we going to do?

We need you here. The podcast is better when you're here. If you get a mother, you're going to be three months out. I can't talk about it either legally. I know. You can't squeeze it in around. I should do it on Patreon. You're right, Your Honour. I know. You can't squeeze it in around. I'm not doing it on Patreon. Yeah, I'll let you know. I'll give you a couple of sentences there.

Oh yeah. I'll talk about it on the podcast. I'd have to say I've got two nets then. I think he did it. I'm not even going to give you a case yet. Well, he did it. Rory says, my girlfriend doesn't fully fill up her car because she thinks the extra weight of the fuel means she'll use more fuel.

Have a word. She's right. I mean, she's a fucking idiot, but she is right. Joe Steele never used to fill his car up because he thought it's square, so he only gets to the top. And that was last year, by the way. He thought it gets us up. So what did you have to do?

Just judge it off money or liters? He used to get it and put 60 quid in and he stopped there. I have to say though, of all the phobias, I know it's like a low end phobia, I kind of understand it because you're basically relying on the nozzle on your car to sort of work it out. What if it just... To work it out like it's got sentience? It's got a cap, hasn't it?

When it gets too full, it just caps. What if the cap fails and then you're covered in fuel? The physics would have to fail. It wouldn't be floating anymore. The cap floats and fills the gap. All right. I'm sure it's gone wrong sometimes. But he thought, oh, one penny over

and it would just spray his face. Also, this girl's right and wrong. She's right because it's true, but wrong because... It's so minuscule. Like, it's like, she might as well not put hairspray on. Sometimes when you're filling up though, you don't want to spend all that money. So you have to spend it sooner. I know.

I know it doesn't make sense. I know common sense says, sometimes you're like, I don't want to put 100 quid in a car. I'll just put 40 now. It's stupid. And yeah, yeah. Yeah. But also if you call like if you call like is not good, then you waste the full tank of petrol. I might not say you have to factor in the collapse. You should never put more more than five. My dad, my dad filled, my dad filled our like family car up and then put the family car up and then we had like a green bin outside and we had like a proper wood fire like fire. Put the fire next to a bin. No, no inside and he put the ash, the cold ash into the green bin, went to make a roast while my stepmom went out and then she came back and the fire like department were there and the bin had fallen over onto the car and the car

had a full tank of petrol. The car went up but the roast was done. It ended up sucking everyone off. The roast was done so we were like you're dealing with that lad. It was in my stepmom's stepmom's stepmom came back and she was like what the hell's happened? And my dad was like I put a fire in the bin. There's roasties on it. Oh what happened? So the car things, genetic, genetic then. Yeah, he did. Do you know what? This was such a weird thing. Cause like this, I was like 10 and he, we all laughed

about it. And then I had a mate who someone set fire to their car in like an act of terrorism or like vandalism or whatever. And put a story on it. He was like, yeah, that's it. And he put a story of it was like, and he was like yeah that's it and he put a story up he was like don't get that mixed up by the way and he was like someone sent fire to our car and I because I've like I was like Pavlovian car plus fire equals funny I sent him loads of laughing faces but it looked like I'd done it and he was like confronting me in school and I was like it's hard to explain but I find cars on fire funny because my dad did it and I was like, it's hard to explain, but I find cars on fire funny because my dad did it. And I would just woken up and I was like, your life's Wiggin. That needs to be a book.

Tom Cannon says, hi, let's have a word with my girlfriend. I was out with some of my mates that I hadn't seen in ages and I got a message from my GF that she was gonna come out and join us. I tried to drop the hint that it was a bit of a boys night and that we were catching up but she turned up with two mates and just tanked the night. Tried to get us up dancing and doing shots and that when we were just having a nice catch up and a drink. Eventually the lads called it and had an early night and I was stuck out with her and her mates. Have a word with her for ruining my boys night out. No, not having a word with her. This is what women do. Okay. They're always going to do it. This is in their nature to try and get in the way of boys fun. This is on you for

not being able to communicate with your partner. The amount of times Laura's turned up to a have a word special. She's like, no, you can't have your phone. And she's in a fireman's outfit. She gets her knocks out. There's a fire. Girls want to be with us all the time. If they're in a relationship with us, they're like, oh, he's out with his mate. It couldn't possibly get worse if I was there.

It would improve the night out. You need to be able to say to your missus when she's like, oh, me, KST and German improve the night out. You need to be able to say to your missus, when she's like, oh me, Kirstie and German are gonna come. You need to be able to go, no, you're not. You're not welcome. I don't wanna see you. Last thing I want, stay at home, fuck off. You need to be able to say that.

And have a knock, get all fucking moody about it. Oh yeah, yeah, Kirstie can come. Make one of your friends a criminal. Like, no, I'm out with the paedophile. You don't want to see him, do you? That's what I did. Oh, you know what that, invent him. Yeah, this dickhead who stinks and starts fires, he's coming at us.

No, that's more lies. He's a terrorist. You should just be able to go. No, you're not. I'm out with a couple of terrorists. You don't want to meet up with us to be born. Couple of vandals. It's the ISIS five aside lot. This is right sometimes, but if you're out with the boys and you're like, you want to chill it depends on the vibe.

But if you're out with the boys and you're having a boys thing and you want to be able to talk about boys stuff, stuff boys talk about when the girls are around, no skillet tricks, fireworks, like like all sorts. There's loads we could be chatting on the go. I was sat in the pub chatting lad stuff to you and someone tried to make me dance. You want to dance? No. Karl, explain to me a circumstance where someone trying to make you dance was a good thing.

You never want to dance? No, but I'm saying if I'm at a wedding, it's like this is the environment where I probably should shut the fuck up and dance. But if I'm at the boozer with the boys and a common dance. No, I'm sitting down. Yeah, it's fair, isn't it? If you're Mrs. Teckstu, if we were out, if it was me, you and Stam were talking about boy stuff. Tits and stuff. Love it how we can't specify what that is. Tits, cars, 40s. Boys. 40s. No, fucking Preds. Prostates.

Yeah, terrorism. Coffee. Yeah. Cock, like manly cocktails, coffee and cocktails, skincare, spa days, the full lads, lads, lads, the footy, you know, exfoliation. Um, we're just sat around naming footballers from like 2000 and one now. Now we're talking and Senna goes, oh, me and the girls are going to come and meet you for one. You'd go, no, you know, shut up. Senna goes, oh, me and the girls are gonna come and meet you for one. You'd go, no, you know. Oh, shut up.

Ran about Lewis Bowen-Morty. I'm like, no, you stay out. We'll meet up later. We'll go now. Yeah. Yeah, because she wouldn't want to sit there and mention Steve Malbronk. Nicely done.

Because he did a Fulham one as well though. Probably, yeah. It's that night. Yours was Fulham, wasn't it? Lewis Bowen-Morty. Yeah. And Weston. That Fulham kit with like the black shoulder. Pippex. Pippex. Isn't that one? Any woman tries to nudge in on my Paolo One Shop chat. But what if she came over and dropped a proper stormer? Go on. Like I don't know like Fitz Hall. Fakundo Sava. He used to have a mask in his sock. Who?

He used to play for Fulham. He was a striker and he had a mask in his sock. Batman mask. Sully Ali Montari. Yeah, you could be like, join him. Come on, girl. Emerson. Middlesbrough Emerson.

If she goes, he goes, Mart Poole. Oh! Get a bevy, girl. But if they come over and go, Steven Gerrard. Get out of the way. Robbie Fowler. That's what lads talk about. 2001 footballers, skincare pedicures.

Yeah, you need to get to a point. This is on you, it's not on her. This is their nature. Oh, I'll go and join them. No, you need to be able to be like, no, you won't. Stomp it out in a pigeon. No, you're not coming. She wouldn't let you. It's not that you'd want to. This be like, no, you won't. Stomp it out in a pigeon. No, you're not coming. She wouldn't let you. It's a new, you'd want to. This sounds like a new relationship thing. This is your, when you're a grizzled veteran, when you're a grizzled veteran, you're not pointing

up with this, but when it's new and she's like, yeah, but it's that new puth. Flippy, if you, if she was in a girls night, bottom of sprints, you'd say end up with the boys. Imagine how unwelcome you'd be. I'd think you turned up and they were just mentioning Steve Bob Brown. Skin cage. I think their version of it is naming members of the sugar babes. That takes forever. Sure. We've got more of them than Premier League football. It sounds like she played for Fulham as well. At one point, at one point all the sugar babes being replaced and then under sugar babes was like a completely new band and the original three sugar babes regrouped

and created a different group. It's like a boat problem. What points is it not the sugar babes? Especially if you've got another boat made of sugar babies. That's the new sugar baby. And what was the band name for the new sugar babes? I think it was called the old geez or something. They're the sugar babes now they're back. Yeah. The OGs by the way. My girls, that's Keisha and the other one. Keisha. Keisha. Keisha Buchanan. I love Keisha. Starving me by the way. Can we do? You can't have Keisha. No, cause he's mentioned Mutty Bueno. I fucking love Bueno. That Heidi one was my cousin's best mate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Enjoy Paddy the Dagger ladies and gents. It's a fucking corker of a guest.

Recorded a couple of weeks ago. Can't remember what we spoke about, but it was a laugh. Oh, that old woman. Yeah. Oh shit, yeah. Paddy's got stories. We enjoy this one. Marvelous.

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But this one's going to be even better because Paddy the Dagger's here, mate! Hey! Hey! Long overdue. Yeah, no. Pleasure to have you. Forcing to the Dagger is here mate! Long overdue. Pleasure to have you. Boston to come over but sir we're here now. What's the dagger?

What's the dagger? I've never heard that. Why Paddy the Dagger? Do you want the long story of the short? Long. Long overdue. When I was, do you have a nickname? No. Oh you do? Yeah but no one uses it in real life. When I was, I got, do you have a nickname? No. Oh, you do?

Yeah, but no one uses it in real life. If you don't know your nickname, it's bad. I've got one, but- I don't think his best mate calls him Paddy the Dagger. Does he? Does it, do your friends call you it? They call me the Dagger, yes. There you go.

My friends don't call me by nickname, it's just for this. He's called Sensei Carl. Sensei Carl. Because he was a teacher in Japan for a bit. So now our pod listener will be like Sensei! Yeah, but none of my friends or family call me it. Your mum does. She doesn't.

She does behind your back. Is that bad? I don't know. I'm just telling you what she says. She is. But your mates are actually calling you the dagger. Yeah, so not all of them. You know what I mean?

My first nickname I got when I was like P1, which is five years of age, and went to P1 and a kid in my street was deaf, had the implant in the back of his head. And we're walking into school and his mom was like, if anybody does anything to you, you call Patrick, that's Patrick, that's Mary's son. And I'm looking at her going,

I'm fucking five, Mrs. I'm shitting myself. And then you want me to watch fucking R2D2 here. And we get into the class and this is 85 in fucking West Belfast. We had fuck all no fucking computers, no nothing. Like we had nothing. There was 35 of us in the class. And if you put your hand close to his head, it used to go, in the class and if you put your hand close to his head, it used to go, whoo.

Oh no. So every time the teacher turned his back, somebody would go up and put their hand in his head and they would go, whoo, and he would freak out and he would be like, waka tak waka tak, and the teacher would turn around and back then, our teacher smoked in the class, like he wasn't fucking trained properly,

you know what I mean? And he just turned around and he went, I don't fucking talk deaf, what's the matter? What the fuck's the matter? So he was shouting, he was shouting, and when you say my name, Patrick, in deaf, it doesn't sound like Patrick. So he got fed up that much, and the teacher was like,

what's the matter? And he pointed at me and went, Grape Dick. So from fucking 1985, I was called Grape Dick because my death friend couldn't say Patrick. It's a terrible fucking nickname to have. Primary school was not bad. I tolerated it. But when I moved to the big school, it was like Grape Dick. And then when you show people you're not, it was fucking you're a pervert, do you know what I mean? So it's a fucking no-win situation. Grape. So long story short, on my stag do,

I mean, it's a fucking well-known show at the minute. It's called Dagger because I talk about it. But when we went to my stag do, we went in the fairground over to Salou. And right over there, there was a guy who worked on the door with me, tattooed from his ankles right up to his neck and he found a tattoo convention and we went to get the dicks tattooed and I got a dagger tattooed onto my cock. Do you have to be a wreck for that?

You should be but I refuse to fucking get a wreck but the only time that it doesn't look right is when it's hard so there's not many people get to see it do you know what I mean? Do they have to like pull the skin taught them the do, but I didn't get that done. It was just just fucking do it the way it is. Paddy, Carl's got a stag do coming up. So it's great to get ideas for what we're going to do. You don't feel it. You actually don't feel like, you know what I mean? It's dead meat. So get it fucking done. Like it's a fucking great, piece. No, you, I, when I'm rubbing me cock, I'd feel it like. Maybe it was, I don't know, maybe it was the drugs and the fucker. I didn't feel it at

all. It's dead meat. Yeah. No, the dick is famously a very sensitive area. I didn't get it on the top, like, you know, round the knob or anything. It's like on the top of the skin, like, you know, and I wanted to get hello under the back end of it because they had convinced me it'd be a good wedding present for the wife. So... Convinced? I am sold.

I wanted to get hello down the back of the shaft, but the guy that was doing it was actually a mare and he couldn't really understand me. So there was like a girl from Manchester was translating and she was like, what do you want to get done? I says hello down the back and she told him and he laughed and I says, what did he say? And she says, he says, you'd be lucky to get hay on it. We would have thought about it. It could have got high. It's the same fucking thing.

But yeah, no, it's fucking, but you can get infection. And that's why people don't do it over here. You know what I mean? You can get an infection and it can fucking go bad. It did swell up at one stage till like a beach ball so you need to be careful with it. Does it look cool though? What? Does it look cool?

It just, do you know we used to get a free fucking beach ball with Nivea fucking sunscreen? That's what it reminded me of, just because you're blowing it up and then the word gets bigger. That was it. That was it. But it was a thing like the, Willie T does a podcast, I mean he's That was it. But it was a thing like the Willie T does a podcast. I mean, he's never seen it. It used to be a thing I used to show all the comedians like here fuck I'm just whipping out. And then Colin Gaddis talked about it in the podcast. I'm

just like, it's getting a bit creepy now so I don't get it out no more. You know what I mean? So it's just the younger ones are like, we've never seen this. But all the other comedians have all fucking they're all fed up seeing it. Shane used to, I used to make him stop in the motorway just to fucking get it out and he used to fucking crack up. But yeah, that's where the dagger comes from. Love it. Love it.

That was long story short, by the way. It was, it was. It's so much more to it and fucking, you don't want to hear it all, but you probably do, but not tonight. What's, what's going on with the cast? I reckon you're the first broken leg on the couch. You know what?

I'm just telling people have AIDS now. I don't think you know the symptoms of AIDS. Starts in the ankle. I'll tell you why. Just for the, the, I have gut, right? So when you tell people you have gut, it is more of a fucking, like that. Whereas if you say you have AIDS, you just go, all right right and give you a hug. Do you know what I mean? It's fucking, I have good and it's fucking that bad. It's fucking, I cannot walk with it.

It's like, if you're eating too much cheese, everybody says it's a rich man's disease and it's what you eat. It's fuck all the do it. It's incest, your blood. That's it. I thought it was like how many of the famine we were all fucking reading our cousins over. So that's, we all have arthritis and good and all them fucking our cousins over here so that's we all have arthritis and gout and all them fucking symptoms like so that's what it is and I literally my toe is fucking swelled to that size and I just can't put it down fucking sores fuck. But big fat cunts do get it though don't they like people who eat a lot like it's not just. Yeah and you know I lost 91 I was down to 91 kilos last year so it was like 19 stone when I done the Prodigy Stars and I seen the video and I was like, you're a fat bastard right now.

I was the fake Mickey Bartlett in the boxing, so I went fuck it, I'm going to just lost the weight over in Australia and just train like fuck and I was down to 91 kilos. And we went away to Lanzarote in July and I had a second fight after that and I'm not feeling right. And then it just came on and it hasn't went away from then. And I went to the doctor and she was like, oh you lost too much weight. And I'm like, so you tell me you lost weight and then you can lose too much weight and then your body then just goes fucks good on here and then gives you more gout. Steve M. — Fuck that. Paul B. — So.

Steve M. — Oh I'm getting back on the pies me. Paul B. — Yeah, definitely. Steve M. — Pies or gout? Paul B. — Yeah. Steve M. — Got my pies out, you know, for gout, 100%. So how'd you get with the gout? Paul B. — You can't, mate. Yeah, definitely. Pies or gout? What? You got my pies, aren't you? You know, for gout. 100%. So how do you get me the gout?

You can't, it's our relief. So I'm basically on steroids and I just fucking full time. It's a controller. It is like AIDS in that way. Once you've got it, you've fucking got it. It's just a pity I can't give it the horcrux, you know what I mean? There's loads of people who love the dip of toe in their pen. Here you go, fucking out thebegickhawks.

Yeah, there's no gout parties where people are trying to get gout. Oh, that'd be really sad. Have you heard about AIDS parties? No. So like, some people have like AIDS parties. It was in the 80s, wasn't it? No, even now. Yeah, they're still going on.

They're doing weekenders now. Like genuinely, like people, like a load of gay guys guys love like a gang bang and one of them's got HIV and it's like, Oh, will we catch it? Fuck off. Genuinely. That's called AIDS. Although having AIDS now isn't as bad back as back in the day. Like you think you can control it or something.

It's not as bad as gout. That's not from fucking reactions of everybody. You tell you have good cause you say you have good and people are like, eww, look at that. People get AIDS and HIV mixed up. If you've got AIDS, you are fucked. You are done. If you get HIV, you just take a tablet every morning, like a fucking vitamin D3 pill, and you're sweet like... Wait, I'm gonna have to tell you this. Can't pass it on, doesn't really affect you, never progresses to AIDS.

You live a normal life, but you have got early onset AIDS. Early onset? Researching a have got early onset AIDS. Early onset? Researching a lot about HIV and AIDS. Well, a couple of years ago, I convinced myself I had AIDS or whatever. I went to the sex clinic because it looked like my knob was falling off. Turns out I was using the wrong shower gel. Yeah, when the woman was... Like, Shafferger was giving you a fucking AIDS?

No, but like it was thrush, but thrush looks fucking, it looks like you've had it, haven't you? It's smelly tree. I don't know how he knows that, but yeah, I have. We just find each other. You know what I mean? You can spot a scouser anyway. I can spot someone who's had thrush. He's fucking had it. But I thought, I was like, oh, I'm fucked here. I'm done. And I went and the woman was checking me knob. And she, after she stopped giving him a round of applause, she really got involved. She literally moved me knob out the way to ask me if I ever get recognized because she recognized me and my dick became like a fucking belly button in that moment. Yeah. I was like, I don't need

to know that you know who I am in this situation. Do you know that happened to Seneca at the gynecologist? Someone moved a knob out the way. No, Seneca was getting, you know who I am in this situation. Do you know that happened to Sereka at the gynaecologist? Someone moved in our buildaway? No. Sereka was getting, you know, whatever girls get. Flap check? Yeah, whatever. And because of where she lived with her mum, she went, the woman went, oh, I saw your mum last week. Awful hand gesture when you went like that.

I'll pick your pussy. No, like this is her legs. Oh. I recognise these, leave it. hand gesture when you went like that. I'll pick a pussy. Look, this is a leg. Oh, I recognize these labor. Oh, I saw your mom last week. That's not as bad as the recognized there by the vagina. Oh, you're truly scared. But she just went like that. Oh, I saw your mom last week. There's not many flaps like that. Never put it in. That's not good. I can't think of a place I'd less rather get recognized than getting me knob looked at

by some scouse woman. Just get no selfies tattooed on your dick. Oh, I read, Oh, Johnny's Bowman Palace that you said yesterday. You mean? You said Johnny's Bowman Palace. Would you like to get recognized there? It's just called an AIDS party. Everyone's doing them. That's the place to have it. The reason they have AIDS parties is because a big fear within that community is getting it. So it's sort of like taking ownership of it is let's just

all get it and then all take the pill and then it doesn't matter. Yeah. There was COVID parties in Texas, wasn't there? Chickenpox as well with kids. What? You do it with chickenpox with kids. Oh. Yeah, we have gang bangs for our kids if one's got chickenpox.

Just all of them. No, like they'll put kids together and go, right, you've all got it now and then it's a week off and you all get it and then it's boxed. Rather than like, oh, it's a week off there and then they've got it and then they just give it to them all. Genuinely, that's the thing. Right. We haven't had chickenpox in the house with two kids. Yeah. I can't

remember. I've had chickenpox. Ruin my ninth birthday party. I think I think your kids have had chickenpox. Don't you know when I should? Yeah. Oh yeah. They've had it. Why was he at your kids chickenpox party? But that's basically my other kid. Come on, let's all get it together. What did you just have that you couldn't have a nice birthday? Yeah. The fucking pied off. That's my memory of my ninth birthday. But my mom didn't, she just isolated me. It wasn't like, Oh, bring everyone round. Let's all just rub each other to the party. We just sit over there. The only birthday I remember from being a kid is me 13th because I went to the new awkward garden Chinese on Eaton road and I felt like it's not, it's just a, a local Chinese restaurant that does

pretty bad takeaway Chinese food. When I was 13, I was like, we're going the new orchard. It felt like we'd won the fucking lottery. My dad got me a second hand Motorola for me birthday and took me for the Chinese. I was like, we're in the big leagues. My dad's working away. My dad's a painter. So you, I know you famously don't like the painters. Do you? No, I love them. Fucking great for gear. That's how they could afford the Chinese, mate. If you said in school, I'm going to the water gun, I'd be like, fuck off. Fuck off. Go on lads, how are we doing?

Kids don't realise, nah, like, while I was like back, I was telling my kids that we didn't even have phones like back in the day and they're like, what? You know, kids don't realise. It is insane. I honestly don't know. Do you know what I think about this? You know when you're like, like today, you were in Bristol last night, weren't you? So you've drove up this morning from Bristol, I imagine, like to, how did like comedians back in the day find gigs? Cause even with like a fucking satellite in my pocket,

sometimes I have to bring the promoter, being like, where is this fucking gig? Were yous all doing it with like maps back in the day? Like, like fucking- I got my first TomTom in 2006 and I'd been a comic for four years. So how were you finding gigs before that? Really difficultly. Like it was a hard...

I drove to Norwich, it took fucking ages and then got lost in Norwich. It had already taken five fucking hours and then couldn't find where I was going. And you've got a fucking... Like a map. The other one was like, oh, you print out the directions. My mom used to print the directions out and have them on the passenger seat. They'd be like turn left in 60 miles and you'd be like, how do you even do that? Yeah. Now I read maps. I'll put maps on now. I'll put maps on now for somewhere I know I'm going nowhere

to go. So it tells me the traffic and the, um, 100%. When I was 18, I drove to, uh, Twickenham at night because my, my girlfriend from college had started union. I was still in love with her and we'd had one of them phone calls. I was like, I love you. I don't miss you. I'm sorry for everything that happened. And I, it was like 10 o'clock and she was like, I'd love to see you. So I got in my Persia 106 and drove from Preston to her student halls. And when you got there, they were having a big AIDS party. And they were having an AIDS party. But luckily.

She got the chickenpox out of it. Yeah, luckily I had chickenpox. So fuck you. How long was that? Like five hours? About four hours. Wow. No map.

Just like, I'll just follow the signs. Could you stay? Because I'm a student, could you stay like? Yeah, I didn't go. Oh, fuck no. I wasn't Romeo and Juliet. I stay? Because I'm a student, could you stay like? Yeah, I didn't go. Oh, fuck no. I wasn't Romeo and Juliet. I love you. I love you too. But there's a security guard on.

I used to sneak into my partner's halls when we first got together. It's fucking awful. It's insane. Oh, no, this was a... These were like secure halls, like there was guards on the floor. Oh, these were... They were twicking them. There's no crime. It's just fucking... They're just... Anyone can come in. One big AIDS party. Anybody's looking to fuck a student

go to twicken them. She had invited me though. Are you still, are you my dear now? No, is this like an X or now this was Faye the X. No, this was my, one of my first girlfriends. What was her name? Katie, Katie Lambert. I love her so much. Is this the one that got away? She's the one that fucked me off. You know what I mean? Like she got away in the sense that she was like, I've had enough of you, leave me alone. Did she first love?

Yeah, no, maybe one. It's my second proper girlfriend. I really did. She's the one that became a grandma about two years ago. Her kid. That's normal. At my age, yeah, it felt startling. You're not the daddy. Are you? Yeah. The kids about 23. Oh my God. Leave me. I'll fuck your daughter. There you go.

That freaks me out. Like meeting like access kids. Nah. Yeah. That's fucking really weird. We did a gig in Sheffield in November, went out, cause it was the last night. I did the load of like Dan Nightingale and Friends shows basically the last night we were in Sheffield. And a guy, like not a lad, a grown man came up to me in the bar we were out with Ishan Akbar. It was a fucking great time.

And he came up and he went, you're Dan Nightingale. And I did the sort of like, ah yeah, you know, you know me from the pod. Let's do a selfie. It was like, oh yeah, you know my mum. And I was like, he might have like an older woman. It's like, oh, it's Jesse, you used to be mates with a Newcastle. And I remember the 20 year old, 19 year old girl that I used to hang out with. And that's- Have you walloped her? No, no walloping. This kid, no.

Yeah. This is definitely not my kid by the way. I would say like a couple of years or like after COVID when videos went out and people started to know who you were. It was like every couple of weeks it was like, you're my da. Say that again? What? You're my daddy. You know like...

You got that? Yeah. Loads of it. Like loads of it. Not in a flirty... No, when I fucking seriously, you're my da. And then I was like, is it a thing now just to say this? Or is this like genuine thing where women are being mistaken because they maybe went partying with because we were fucking the 90s taking drugs, going to raves, you know,

and they're thinking this is you but it may not have been you, it may have been your mate, you know, and I'm going this is fucking weird. And it went on like for like a couple of months where it was just people like, you're my dad, you're my dad. And I was like, right, they're coming at me from all angles here. It's fucking starting to freak me out. You know, and I was going, her manly fucking DNA test. I have to pay for it. Before you just go to the white pocket. Everybody's just my kids. Just fucking we'll all get a wee bit each. Right. And that's just it. But it was like a thing for a way

that's died down a bit. But I think it's possible. Have you done any DNA tests? One was it yours? No. It actually got to the point where you were like, let's do the test. You have to have to yes. Kid was adamant. He had a photograph, but it was me and a friend, but my friend was dead. So I was like, I can't even fucking ask him. Was it AIDS? It was a fucking thing party. Yeah. When you're younger, you just want fucking mods. You know, you went to parties, you've taken access. He was just fucking, how old are your kids now? Eighteen's oldest. Right. Okay. Four's the youngest. All right. Okay. You've got a, you've got a right. All right. Morning. We've got to have a refue. All right. We've talked about it. Like what's what happens if someone just knocks on the door and goes, yeah, like you're my

dad. Before you've met your missus and the other kids, then it's a sort of like, there's not much you can do about it. If it's an in between one, it's like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Six year old knocks off. I think the fear would be if you had one the same age as one of your kids. That would be the fear. Yeah. Yeah. You're half brother and sisters, the same fucking age. It would be like, fuck it. There's some questions in there. Is this possible for you? Is it possible? Is what? But me to have a kid? Yeah. Have you ever come in a woman? Yeah. Whoa. No way. Wow. Do you? Have you ever come in a woman and then not heard from it again? Yeah. Why are you doing this? Do you know what? Do you know what? But years ago it was all right because there

was no social media and stuff. So it was harder for them to find you, but neither social media. Like it's very fucking easy to find. If he's on the kids, he's 26. If he's on the kid that's on social media already, he was really getting into it. When did you first come in a woman? Oh my God. I had something specifically by by the way, a face and bomb. So it could be nine. It could be nine. Yeah. I'm fine. You gotta be a bit warmer. Glad you wore a fleece. What are you saying, Paddy? The first time I got somebody pregnant, I was 16. So it was like, it didn't work out. But right. You're not with a no, no, no, no. Didn't work out. But like, you know, so it can happen. What age are you 26? Yeah. Yeah. You're not with a no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no It all came to the, I love your music. I think the youngest grandparent is in Belfast. I think the youngest grandparent is in Belfast. I think in the UK is 20s or 30s. Yeah. I think it was 30s.

I think it was 30 maybe. I think it was a girl. 30. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's I'm not doing it. No. In a way like for them because like they get like grandkids for like a good bit of their lives. Mate they get great grandkids when they're my age. Yeah. Totally. Oh my god. If the tradition keeps going and they keep writing it's 15, what the fuck is happening? Yeah, there's a limit of what you can do for Christmas presents, isn't there?

No, but what I mean is like most like your like, how old is her? She's eight. I'm 40 years older than Jack. He's just about turned four and I'm 44. So he's got me for what? 30 years? He's not seeing my foot. But what I mean is, like, let's say Etta has a baby at 25. So that's 17 years from now.

You'll be 60. So like, they won't get like a young granddad who can do stuff with them. This granddad here, Well, this kid with them. This granddad, yeah. Well, this kid's 18. This granddad can take his grandkids to water park and not look like a knobhead. You can't take him to a nightclub. Yeah.

You could, you can't take your grandkids to the water park. That will never happen. Oh yeah. You're right. I should have just started shooting loads at 14. You're right. Like when the girls like, please don't come at me. I was like, I want to be a great granddad by 44. That one could be a great great granddad at 14. When the girls were like, please don't come in me,

I was like, I want to be a great granddad by 44. That one could be a great, great granddad, 60. Yeah. Imagine you are an 18 year old. You can go to booze with an 18 year old. My little brother feels like he's my kid a lot of the time and he's 30 this year. He's still 18. Are you going for a pint with your kid? The first time I took my kid out was my brother Stag do in Liverpool. My brother is 16 years younger than me.

So his Stag do was in Liverpool because he was for his, it was weird. His Stag do he had fucking a gig in the Jaggeranda and we were over here and that was the first time because my son was with me that we went out for drinks. Sorry, the first ever pint you had with your son... Was in Liverpool, huh? That's like a Champions League semi-final for your debut, isn't it? That feels like you need to just go for a few reserved run-outs. It was so funny because it was the first time really I took him into a bar and he went in, it was a bar around the corner, it was like a fucking karaoke fucking place from the Jackaranda.

Woody's? Oh, Woody's. Around the corner from... Yeah, Woody's. ...Planter Square. That'll be Woody's, yeah. It was like a fucking Monday night, right? And it was going off and it could have been 1993.

Exactly. Yeah, it's Woody's. And my kid went to the toilet and he came back out again and he was like, Donny, there was a black guy in the toilet trying to give me aftershave and a lollipop. And I had never thought about this. I didn't warn him about it. You just take it for granted that people will know this, you know what I mean? So he was in a toilet, was like, this guy's going, you want an aftershave and you want a lollipop? And he's going, what the

fuck is this? And he was only like 15 or 16 or something. And he just came out and he was like, daddy, what the fuck is that? The nunces over here are popping and all that. I had to bring him in, I went, did you give him any hangover? No, fucking didn't. I said, come on, we'll have to go in and give the guy money. Come on. We're going to get chewing gum.

And he's like, why did you give him a fiver for a packet of chewing gum? Hear me, that's what we fucking do. You look after the guy that wipes the fucking piss on the floor. That's what you do. He says, why do you look after him? Hear me, because most of the time I'll end up fucking being sick in here and I need him to rub my fucking back and clean me up. Do you know what I mean? So look after him? He said, because most of the time I'll end up fucking being sick in here and I need him to rub my fucking back and clean me up.

Do you know what I mean? So look after him at the start of the night. He was like, good advice, dad. I think when you've got the toilet guy, you go in early with a good thing, but then if you're caught, you know, you're pissed and you're like, oh, I'll have a little spray and they put, then they give you the toilet roll and then you feel obliged that you've gone over like a quid. So you get the fiver out, but then the next time you need the toilet, you want to be like, I've, that's me for the night. I'm there for

the fiver for the light. It's not like we're not going up in the new economy. It's a tenner. I think you box them a tenner face tripping. I always look after them straight away at the start and then they're like, they remember you. If you need to fucking do anything in that toilet, you're getting the treatment when you go in there. It's the same theory as when you're at a wedding and you're in the same venue all day, go in, 20 quid tip at the start, I'm your man, there's no more tips but come serve me first. It's the same deal with the toilet guy. You tell me that you buy drink at the wedding venue? You what? You buy drink when at the Wadden venue? What?

You buy drink when you're at the Wadden venue? I've been bollocked for this before at weddings. I had a party out the back of my Volvo once and we got told off by the staff. I had so much booze in the back and I kept going back out to it. And after a while people were like, oh, I've got it. Do you want a shot? We were, there was like a little fucking, it was like a car boot sale party in the car park. And a member of staff came out and bollocked us.

Tell them to fuck off. Yeah, that's my attitude. Like this is my car. You don't own my car. But then I wouldn't be able to go back into my sister's wedding. I love making a saving. And there was a good atmosphere

around the back of that Volvo. But I like, I also want to see my sister's first dance, you know. Where were you, Dan? I don't know, mate. We've got Buckfast in the boot. Yeah. We're not getting barred from anywhere. We just take over venues. I was in a wedding once in Glasgow and the priest told us that the beer was £7.50 a bottle in the venue.

So Asda was across the road from the Axel chapel. And he says, there's loads of Irish over here at the fucking mass. So go and fill your fucking boots and we'll have a fucking party. And it was November and we were in the fucking snow, fucking drinking. Nobody went to the bar. At my fucking wedding, they all drank Corona. And this is me, we drank Corona, the place doesn't fucking sell Corona. And I asked them to bring it in the next day.

The guy brought me down and he says, I think I bought 50 boxes of Corona. And he says, I have enough empty bottles to fill a hundred, but I only sold one box. LAUGHTER You know, now he's sweating, they're booking a fucking room just for the carriage. LAUGHTER

Filling the fucking bath and doing it, that sets us the way it goes. A little bottle of Bucky, that's fun. A little flask. A little flask full of whatever you need. The only place I'll spend money and drink now is Ibiza. And I don't mind. But isn't that like 18 euros a pint?

Mate it was 47 euro for a fucking double vagan coke. And I was buying them like fucking no tomorrow. And they wonder why people are doing drugs out there. But that's what I said. And I'm trying to stay off drugs. So like it was like, right, I'm just doing drink. Are they, are they, because so many people are getting on drugs in Ibiza. Are they having to go, we've got to make money somehow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the drinks are just excursion.

Bottles of water are normally more than the ale because they know people do pills and then just need water. They make the tap in the bottle and it's hot. I was at the O2 in London at the weekend and my missus got a single gin and tonic and it was 16.50. Fuck me. It's insane. Who's not accepting this? And my missus got a single gin and tonic and it was 16.50. Fuck me. It's insane. Like you can buy a bottle of gin for that. Do you know what I mean?

It's like. And I also get that a good pub, you know, yeah, you can be like, oh, I can get a can of that. You know when they sell cans of something and you go, I can get a can of that for like 90 pence and it's shopping. You're like, yeah, but that's, you're in a pub. You've got to pay for the staffing in the venue and everything. But once that's passed four quid, you just take in the piss.

Once you're like, I hate it when there's those live music venues or whatever venues where because you're trapped, they know you haven't got a fucking choice. It just sucks. Yeah. Festivals. Do whatever you want because you can't do any about it. Yeah, but a cheese toast is 17 quid. And like, what are we doing? Yeah. I used to work across here and you had to go at night time when you finished the building site, wherever the guy drove the van.

And they used to go to Willow Spoons every fucking night, right? And I was like, curry night and steak night. And I used to be like, if I have another fucking Willow Spoons dinner, I swear to fuck, I'm going to jump off a fucking bridge. It was just at that stage. And I convinced them to go to Toby Carvery. One night I was like, can we go somewhere fucking different? I will fucking pay for it. I just want something. And we went to Toby Carvery and the fucking empty the van when we were in Toby Carvery of all the fucking tools. Oh shit. The fucking

they hated me. The fucking hated me. We could have been eating a fucking steak and mother spoons and the van would have been okay. Fucking van and well, I spent the phone with him. You know, okay. Fucking bang it on. Do you know what I mean? You never know. You don't know. Fuck. I mean, I went to say because of the whole fun. If you want to know, I know.

But no, I get that. They're like, well, but there's a lot to be said for Willis. Boons now because they do do a fucking cheap drink. Do you know what I mean? It's like you make one of fucking go or but do you want to go somewhere? You don't get it. I think we're misses. Sometimes it's OK to go somewhere and spend fucking 20 quid on a fucking cocktail each. Do you know what I mean? It's a bit different.

But if you just want to go and have beer and they're fucking charging you fucking. It's important where you are. I'll spend 20 pounds on a cocktail if I'm in a fucking like, oh, this is gorgeous in here. Yeah. But I'm not going into like. But also you want a Wetherspoons available. So, you know, because the old boys who have got a flat cap and a pint and want to, at eight o'clock in the morning, they can go there. Like Wetherspoons is for them, isn't it?

But the place has to be backed up by where you are. It can't just be like, oh, this is a nice little, everything has to be back. Do you know how Wetherspoons do their drink so cheap? Do you know how they do it? No. They get the kegs that are about to go out of date. And they buy in huge amounts.

And they know they're going. And they get and they know they're going to sell them within a few days because they've got so many pubs. So they just like, you know, a brewery will fucking drop it by 50, 60 percent because they're like, no one's going to buy all this. Wetherspoons get it then and then they can sell it for fucking, get a pint of Guinness still for like three quid in some places. I don't, I don't do Wetherspoons. And then there's no music because it's just cost and like one person might not like it. You're like, just keep it playing. How much is a pint of Guinness usually? Six quid. Is it? Yeah. Five. It's six 90th the Devonshire in London.

What is it like booze as well? The poge is like six 30 now. What? Yeah. Like you're breaking more than a tenner to get two pints. Like you have to get a Guinness trade too. Like it's not, yeah. Oh, you're speaking to the fucking off to convert it over here. And I was never a Guinness drinker. My grandma fucking loved it and I hated it. But then eventually fucking I started getting the taste of it. And I think that's what happens is you get older. Like, you know, see now my Instagram is just me fucking wanking over food. Do you know what I mean? We used to be fucking women in fucking cars, but now I just look at the food and just, you're licking the phone.

When I was in Belton sites years ago, you used to be coming in, you were all 18, 19, you were, ah, fuck this one last night and all the wee lads were talking. And all the, I used to call them old men, but it was all fucking people my age, we're all just sitting eating their sandwiches, looking at you and disgusted and used to be like, I get your hole last night and they're like no I'd rather have a bowl of stew I'm at that fucking age now. I'm that age now. Sometimes a good bowl of stew is better than getting sucked off like if you're hungry enough sometimes. Have you got bread? Yeah. Oh you can have bread. Crusty like. Brown sauce. Crusty bread that you have to cut yourself. Oh, loads of butter. Oh, can we go? Should we just get into the hole?

When you're on it, when you're like doing bill, when you're on the tools, my former brother-in-law, they've split up now. He was a... I'm with the lingo. When you're on the tools. On the tools. When you're on the tools.

He was a builder and he said they were fucking animals that he was working with. And whenever he was like, the worst thing is when the boss would go, lads, you're going to have to be in on Saturday morning because this job needs finished. Like they would come in, no sleep, full of coke and they'd be like, he'd be like, it was the only way they, and they were like doing lines in the van just to get the Saturday morning going. Are these like, in terms of like the lads you've hung around with in my head, like

the lads on site are just a special breed of maniac. I don't know. I've done two years of shows about it, right? And people honestly go nowhere. No way. I don't even tell some of my stories because people will go, there's not a chance that's true. See, building sets. Imagine you were in secondary school and you were fucking not able to do the work and you get sent to a special school, right, where they learned how to ride motorbikes or fucking tie their shoelaces. That's building sets. Genuinely, it's just adults that have stuff wrong with them. And I've said this about painters and people go, fuck, painters don't need to do a qualification. You can literally go right now and go to someone and go, can I join your painting crew? And

you'll not be good at it, but they'll give you a fucking job and they'll fucking go, yeah, go on do this, go on do that. Like painters genuinely are ones who are just out of jail or fucking whatever. And then like sparks and plumbers and joiners sort of maybe had one or two GCSEs or just didn't give a fucking what they'd be on the tools. They have a wee bit more sense to them. But like there's no level of like fucking anything in building sites. It is the fucking cram to the creme at the bottom of the bucket. That's fucking it. The stuff that goes on is insane. And it's like,

fate for survival. It's like a jungle. You know, like people go, what do you mean? We went on this site, me and my mate, he was a fucking maniac. The guy was sort of a wee bit more sensible than him. Not fucking right. But, but he was fucking insane. And I mean, he run the fucking site. Nobody fucked with him. He was a big skinhead, fucking always had black eyes and people just stayed out of his road and you just fucking let him to it. He could put 50 doors on in a day, but you got in his fucking road, or you done something wrong in front of him, the cunt would have fucked you off the building. Like

it was just, it's just insane. It's just. That's the only way to describe it. Cunts pissing in bottles, leaving it everywhere and just a fucking dirty smelly fucking trade to be into. Good fun now. Mate, I miss it so much. And it's insane to say it. I miss it so much just for the fucking level of... All I done was fuck about all day, just mess people about, glue stuff down to the fucking floor, paste on them, get naked, fucking do everything. The stuff I'd done, like, but it was just good crack, you know. My mate told me, he's like, wouldn't that come back just one day a week?

Just one day a week, just come back? And I was thinking about it. I was thinking about just going back for one day a week, just to have the crack. Because I really do miss it. It'd be weird just going back for one day a week just to have the crack because I'm really Just to get more material as well 100% It is this might be difficult off the top of your head. So don't feel the pressure But like you just said there there's some stories you haven't even told because people won't believe it Have you got an example of something? Is there something that's happened that you've gone? I can't even

tell people this I can't like because it's not gonna and tell people this. I can't like, cause it's not gonna. There was a, Are you worried about saying names? Like you look like a man who's like, there's the Belfast boy. I'm not sure. Yeah, there's stuff that you do.

Like you get people in serious trouble. Do you know what I mean? Like we've done this job one time for this old woman. She was about, I say she was about 16 and or something like that, Sam, she was virginal, she was retiring, this is how I know she was doing all the work to her house.

And a guy I was working with, I'm gonna get in so much trouble for telling this fucking story. He says to me, I'm gonna fuck her. And I went, what? And he's like, I'm gonna fuck her. And I was, what? And he's like, I'm going to fuck her. And I was like, no, you're not. And he was like, yeah, just you, just you leave the job early and I'm going to stay and fuck her. And I was like, how old is the guy at this

point? He's like 40. Right. Okay. I was like in my 20s and I was like, right. Okay. And he's like, no, seriously, I'm going to fuck her. So I left the job and then I went, he's not, he's going to steal something off the job or something. And I came back and I walked around the back and he was fingering her in the greenhouse. LAUGHTER Overhouse. One of the worst buildings to get fingered in, by the way.

LAUGHTER If you're going to get fingered in, by the way. If you're gonna get fingered, that's just being the guy. But when I was walking back out of the driveway of the house, her husband came to the front door and he was standing talking to me about the job. And all I could think about is your wife being fingered in your greenhouse. And the mad thing about it was when we turned up the work on Monday, she had died over the weekend. is your wife's being fingered in your greenhouse. And... And the mad thing about it was when we turned up to work on Monday, she had died over the weekend. What a fingering. And that's what I said to him.

You fingered her to death. You fingered her to death. She fucking died. She fucking died. Happy? Yeah, and I said to my mate, you fucking fingered her. And he went, no, I didn't.

He went, I watched it in the park. That's fucking insane. Don't you ever tell that fucking story. Oh my god. That was her last orgasm. Yeah. Maybe that was like, you know when people go... She was meant to get it. She was meant, you know, he says,

she says she hadn't had any attention because her husband was sick for so many years. I was like, fucking hell. But you fingered her out what was on your hands. They do clean them. But it, you know, do you know like spoilers, if you've never seen the TV show lost, right. But yeah, you know, the TV show lost. I don't know if you ever heard like what the sort of point of it was. The point of it was everyone there. I'd like, we're in purgatory really went to like limbo between heaven and earth. So they've all died and they've got like one last thing to do before they can ascend to heaven.

Maybe that was where she was needed to be. She just needed to come one more time and then she could just go peacefully asleep. That's young though. And she's only 16 and 17. Yeah, she was young. It was like one of them months. It was real fucking shocker. Like, oh, she died and stuff like that. We didn't get paid for the job. That's the fucking thing. And annoyed me the most, but he sort of did. He got a fucking wank out of it. Didn't they? She got fingered. But you really didn't let us down with that. I could tell when a comedian's going, you were going, and then your head, you're going, how much trouble am I getting? There were six different ones. It's things you're thinking about that people say to you, don't fucking tell this or cause now I'm a comedian.

Like there was a guy that I used to work with and the famous one bumper that I talk about. And he, the first day I worked with him, he went up the stairs and put on the girls fucking negligee. And I had literally met him five minutes before and he fucking going mad in the house and she's going, what's he doing up there? And he kept walking into the bathroom and she's going, what are you doing? He was like, I'm doing the shit, fuck off. And I was going, if I had done that, if I had got naked and put her thing on, I'd have got caught, you know.

He was just insane. This guy was non-stop, like the things he done. And you tell stories about him, but he was in prison and one of his fucking kids seen the podcast. I talked about him and found out that I was doing a show. So he got a message to me and he was like, you're making money off my back. I want money from your show. And I'm like, well, and he's like, you told him stories. I want fucking money. And this guy's a fucking lunatic. He's in his sixties now, but he's like, if I don't get money, I ain't's a fucking lunatic. He's in his sixties now, but he's like, if I don't get money, I'm coming to fucking see you. Did you have to give? No, I haven't given

money forcing it for me. He went into jail again. So, um, but I'm just one of the ones where he's convinced in his head that you've made millions of pounds off this. And you're like, you don't know what way podcasts work. I'm not making millions of pounds off your stories, but he was just one person. Like he put a fucking traffic warden in the fucking bin, you know. Just fucking. I left him in the van. I'm like, if the traffic warden comes, you know what to do, which is move the fucking van or tell him you're in the fucking power mill. He's one of the two things to tell him to fuck off. And he, I came out and the guy was in the fucking bin

and I'm like, what are you doing? He told me to do it. I'm like, what? Has he seen Loxdown? Has he seen Loxdown? Problem, this guy, this guy genuinely is a fucking, like people know who I'm talking about. Name's not bumper, so I've changed the name.

People know exactly who I'm talking about, they know him, cause he's in fucking scene. One of the best joiners I've ever fucking had in my life. We were working on a job and this girl came walking towards it Saturday morning, typical, I had to work the Saturday morning, and this girl came down in a big maxi dress and I just seen him looking at her and I was like,

fucking please do not fucking say a word to her. We're at the Saturday morning, we're ready to fucking work, I don't wanna fucking be here, I'm getting in trouble from the way for being here. Just fucking don't say anything because it was the university we were working on. And the closer she got, he was like, I'm not saying anything.

And I fucking turned my back and all I heard was him saying, here love, do you want to sit in my face? Shut up. And I was like, oh, for fuck's sake. And I turned around, but lucky for us, it was the best comeback I've ever heard a girl say in my life, she went, why is your nose bigger than your dick? So lucky we got him, he won.

It was fucking, I collapsed laughing. Turned out it was. I think that brings us nicely for a little break and an ad-fair. Now it's time to tell you about our absolute favourite sponsor, It's Manscaped. With the promo code word 20 you get 20% off every third and free worldwide shipping but specifically we're here to tell you about the beard and balls bundle this week. Now grooming's not just about looking good, it's about feeling good as well and if you get that beard nice and trim, get it to the level you want and match your bollocks

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Goodbye. And we're back, you've brought some Ulster Tatoes. I have brought some Breivand stuff, yes. Press potatoes. Press potatoes is the Northern... Cos Tatoes don't sell ready salted Tatoes in the Republic of Ireland. You have to buy like a Spanish one down there. You know he's an orange man because he's wet gloves with a wee hat on. He just looks like a wee orange man.

Like he just looks like he marches in July. But that's the Northern Tato. And this is the free state chocolate. So this, you have to go across the border to get this. This is all made, but the reason why this is nicer, it's real milk. They don't use fucking powdered milk like they do in the UK. Now that's why the chocolate doesn't taste as good. Right. So this stuff's like fucking the Colton ticket in America. They don't even use real sugar. So it gets worse over there. Dog shit. American candy. That's all thinking. This is, this is the crème de la crème. I'm claiming the ready salted. I'm having a smoky bacon. I've never tried

that chocolate. Crone cocktail is like, that's my favorite. That's like brings back so many memories from finger. You're on tour, Paddy. Yes, on tour, regional tour. And then we've done sort of like a mini tour. So this tour here in England is Paddy Irishman show. We're preparing this to go to the States. So I didn't want to do it in Ireland because it's a bit fucking stupid doing that. So the dagger shows on and regional tour We just done the arena and then we're on the regional tour fucking people are loving it And then gonna start taking that over here and do it England and Scotland. Where do we find your tickets? Just go on Polly McDonough comedy.com. You'll find me tickets on there Any any of the shoes Patti you talking about fingering? Yes. You got your finger bit off. Yep. Yeah. Working

as a doorman. Yeah. Yeah. How did that happen? Guy opened his mouth and just went, like that. This is every episode. How do you say box? What was the events that led up to you getting your finger bit? Yeah. I was working as a doorman. Long story short. And this guy was a school teacher, put them out of the bar and let my guard down. And he tried to beat all three off, but I got them to that one stand in his mouth, but it says he got food poisoning. He got away with it too because he couldn't point him out in court. But for so many years I've been in the depression about this, lost my building company, you know, fucking ended up being a taxi driver and just was depressed as fuck. And the first, it took three years, four years to get into court. The first day of court, my wife signed me up for a fucking open mic.

She just was like, I'm going to bring him the Accompanied night to take his mind off it and that's how I got into the company. So now I'm like, do you know what? For a wee tiny bit of finger and a third of the grip in the hand, do you know what I mean? I come right west, one sore right. And it sent me in the right direction. That's the way I look at it. So it was, it was shit at the time and I fucking hated life and fucking whatever, but I'm glad it happened.

Now, you know what I mean? It was meant to happen because I wasn't doing what I was doing. It's mad to fucking go down another path. So him bit my finger off. Most people have that attitude towards like not getting a certain job or something. Yeah. Losing a finger. Boss. Um, have you got any executive orders, Paddy? First thing I would do, first fucking thing that I would set in stone, you're not allowed

to have your feet out in the fucking winter months. It fucking is ridiculous. People walking about flip-flops on in fucking January and December. Feet are horrible and I can tolerate them in the summer, but in the winter is fucking disgusting. These are class. Winter slide is no socks. Oh fuck I hate that too. Even socks, sliders and socks, band, band, can only wear them in the fuck. I hate it.

I fucking hate it. What's the problem? Why can't I have my own socks? I don't like feet. Says the man with a fucking moon boot on. Are you just convincing yourself you don't like feet so that when you lose yours you're like I didn't like them? Hopefully I get a bit off to the door, but I just fucking hate fate. And it's just one of your moments. Even if you're sitting somewhere and somebody has their fucking shoes

off and you're trying to eat something and they're fucking rubbing it against the table. Like I'm like, fucking please stop right now. It's fucking good. What about on the planes? Where are you at with, I assume... Shoes off on a plane? I don't mind that. I get that. I get that. You want to get comfortable on a plane. I've got my shoes off. Basekeeper socks on, but not rub your fucking toes

anywhere near me. I will fucking break somebody's feet if I do that on me. Had you got my shoes off now? No, it's fine. It's fine. I think you're fine. I think a man taking his shoes off on a flight, no problem. Once the socks come off as well. Oh no.

You know, I see that thing a few years ago, a woman took her shoes and socks off and was using their toes to look for a film on the screen. Oh, Jesus Christ. I would genuinely fucking put that plane in there building like, not a fucking problem. That's all 9-11 happening. Four planes. They've always got the shoes off. You know, they found their passport and their shoes funny enough.

I give you that. I think we're about to get a train down to London. What's the rule on I think mine off on the train. Yeah. If I sit down, my shoes come off. Yeah, yeah, no, that's fine. I take my shoes, my socks, and my undies off on the train. Obviously not in a restaurant. I know it's not, but no. I've taken my shoes off in a restaurant before. No, if you sit down, your shoes aren't coming off. Not automatically, they don't fall off.

No, but when you go for a haircut, you're not like, oh, I'm going to get comfortable. If he said I could, I would. Right. My shoes should be on for them walking outside and that's it. God, Japan's really stuck with him. Hasn't it? Do you take your shoes off and you're getting your haircut? No, but I'm saying if it, if he, you know, if he said, take your shoes off, I would go, okay, cool. You would do it. Yeah. Do you

know what's really weird about barbers? Do you ever get when they're rubbing their deck against your foot? Yeah. Where do you, where's? No, no, no. You've got the same bar. But he doesn't need me. No, if he's leaning, it's the height, isn't it? It's not. He doesn't pay him. He just fucking grind on me. I am. My barber doesn't have to lean. He just walks around the other side. I have a barber that gets fucking like dodging me when he's doing it. Yeah. He's going to fucking go. It's like, take your shoes off and your pants. Get really comfortable. You're shadow boxing while you're getting your hair cut. Making a test for him.

That's how good he'd have to be, cutting hair, for that not to infect your hair cut. He is good. Josh? Yeah, I reckon we could, I don't know, just a universal blanket, feet out in the winter. I don't know. I know you're a slidesman, aren't you? But not in the winter. I don't know. I know you're a slidesman aren't you? But not

in the winter. No I am. I'm a slider. Sliders in the summer. I'll put my North East sliders on to walk around the park. That's 100% it's a summertime. I totally get that. I don't have any issue in the summer. It's in the winter and you're like, Foxy, mate, you have a monkey hat on, a scarf, gloves and a big jacket. But did you have fucking shorts and fucking flip-flops on? No, but I am a shorts and coat man. Yeah, but shorts, I sort of can get away. I'm more in shorts fucking now. Do you know what I mean? So I can't really say anything. The feet thing is I'm getting more into feet as I get older. I accidentally watched some football the other day and I kind of liked

it. Football? Football. Oh, I quite like this. Accidentally, I was trying to make a bowl of cornflakes all of a sudden. Football, you know what I mean? If somebody wanted to suck my toes or lick my rim pep, I get out. Why? No fucking chances. My hole is fucking like, it's like a dirty alleyway. Do you know lot of men. Yeah. I've got IBS me speaking to your friend, but I'm telling you right now you get it done once. There is nothing

hell of a haircut though. There's not a now prepare you for the joy in your life when you get a tongue up your ass. I, I, I like a wet or a cold fucking baby wipe from the fridge maybe to wipe your bum, you know what I mean? That's what a tongue feels like. What? Have you got baby wipes in the fridge? It's a good option, like, when you've had a thing. I didn't even know that was a fucking option. Those of you that are on fire, that's, you know.

Oh, Dan. You can put whatever you want in it. Dan. No, it's not my fridge at all. I own it. It's not mine. An Indian guy told me to do it. He was correct. Sold me a Vindaloo and he's like, when you go home tonight, you put the baby wipes into the fridge, you will flank me tomorrow. I phoned him the next day and I went, you need a fucking raise big man.

That was the best bit of advice I've ever had in my life. They usually do like a hot towel. He's doing a hot towel on a cold towel. He's doing a cold towel in the fridge for your bum the next day. It was the fucking, it was a game changer. Right. I think over a certain age, men shouldn't be allowed to wear weight on their ass as well. I think that's a bit... Eddie age? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like how confident are you? Like why, how confident are you in your wipe game? Yeah. why is it not automatically? Why? Why stay? What for? Show me now.

Why? I think that's a sacrable offence, you know? Yeah. There's no way you could fucking shed once your arse and there's skids on them. There's skids on them. Like that looks like a motorway slipway right now. There's been a few burnouts from lorries on them. Oh, fuck.

There's not a chance you're that confident in wiping your arse day. No way. Oh, is it? Do you carry baby wipes? No, I've got a jet wash. And that's like, no, that that is absolutely insane. You're a grown man. I got bought on these for my mum for Christmas. And it was like black, blue and white in the park.

I was like, they just go in the bin. What make what make with the Calvin Klein? Were they? Jack keeps the black and the blue. No, I mean, the white ones white in the park. I was like, they just go in the bin. What make, what make with the Calvin Klein? Where they keep the black and the blue. No, I mean the white ones were in the bay. I never wear them. See designer underwear. I don't get it. I really fucking don't Calvin Klein's last though. No, no, but I just don't get it. Like it's on their pants. Where'd you get your undies from? I, Calvin classics are fucks. I mean, underpants. Where'd you get your underwear from? Calvin classics or foxes? I mean, it's from the Indians. Do you know what I mean? They were from the Bells when I was a kid. Calvin classics. Do you think Calvin's are comfy? Like genuinely? I've never thought they were comfy. I will wear them if I'm like out with a girl or something. You're getting

the wrong size. Genuinely. I'm getting the same size as I am getting every other pair of pants. What size do you go? Medium or large? Yeah. You're large, yeah, I'm a large. Yeah, I've got more battered than you. Maybe that's what you compare. Do you get the trunks or the briefs trunks? Okay, they should be fine. No, they always ride up. I've got big thighs. Oh, you're getting the wrong ones. You're getting the ones that I've got like a really rigid bottom bit. Yeah, they just ride up my no, you're getting the wrong ones. You're getting the ones that have got like really rigid bottom bit. Yeah, they just ride up my leg. No, you're getting the wrong ones. You're getting the wrong type of undies.

You need to read the front because there's loads of different types. Can we go undie shopping lads? I'd love to. Yeah. Does it help your thrush that Adam knows about? Yeah. Yeah.

Have you got another executive order, Paddy? Ah. Cause we've got some if you want. No, I'll do the next one, right? And I think this one is a fucking good one because yesterday was such a good fucking day that there should be a law passed that if the fucking temperature reaches a certain temperature like yesterday, we get the fucking day off. Let's have five fucking days in Loo that we can call a fucking bank holiday if it's a

good fucking day and let everybody go out instead of working in fucking offices and being insane. This is beautiful. A last minute booking bank holiday. A snow day but it's a hot day? Yes. Like today is a hot day. You can use two of them for snow days and two for fucking warm days. Do you know what I mean? Because like yesterday I drove in the bath. I've always wanted to see Bath, the

town road. Nice. When they did yesterday and everybody's out saying the green and I was like, this is fucking magical. Like everybody, and then I seen the wee Amazon driver and he's fucking throwing the parcels down and I've been wanting to see that street my whole fucking life. This con sees it every day and he's fucking working in the heat and he was raging. And I went, that's a poor bastard. Oh, the one that's, yeah. You know what I mean? So, and I went, that poor bastard's working. I'm standing here like, I'm fucking just taking my time. He was like fucking parcels and he was in

the fucking suns, waist probably landed the back getting fingered. You know what I mean? It's like a school when they go, yeah, you can play on the field. Yeah. And I just think we should have five days a year. Have them in. But who decides it? Is it just like the first five days of the year that it reaches the temperature? But the sixth one, it's like, ah five days of the year that it reaches the temperature? But the sixth one, it's like, ah, you've had your five, you're going to wear it. Yes, if it goes over, I just go,

lads, listen, we can't fuck about here. But we should have at least five a year. Especially early in the spring. Like, it's still, today's the official start of spring, and it's the 25th. The equinox, isn't it, today? I remember when we moved to Chester, it was the day after Etta's birthday,

so this is the 22nd of February. The weather was unbelievable. It was 21 degrees. It was stunning. It was the nicest, like that is the perfect day to just in the morning be like, oh, hang on, this is unseasonably warm. We're not doing work today.

You're out. You're playing on the field. You ever see my cows get let out after the winter? They've been penned up all winter and they would just run out into the field and the fucking jump and that's what the field and school was like, it's like you're free now. Yeah.

Just sprint down the field. You're having full 11 aside matches at the far end of the field. And then they were like, yeah, I fucking loved it. And there was no talk shop as well. So you basically, if you went out, you know, cause you're a kid, you're like, right, we're gonna go and play football,

we're on the field. And you just fucking pile out. You're like two miles from the school and then you, no one's got a drink. I loved it. It was so good. I've got like a proper core memory, like evoked there from year five in school.

Mr. Arnold, Mr. Arnold, year five, yeah. Was my teacher and it was a really hot day. And he was like, so, a bit warm today, isn't it? It's nice weather, so we're not gonna, we're just gonna cancel the afternoon. It was just after lunch. And he was like, we're just gonna cancel the last lesson. Maybe we did like the one lesson and the second one.

He was like, right, we're just gonna cancel the last lesson. We're just gonna put a video on. You all okay with the video? And we were all like, yeah, great. And he walked into the hallway and we're expecting him to wheel that fucking TV on, We were just going to put a video on. He's all okay with a video? And we were all like, yeah, great. And he walked into the hallway and we're expecting him to wheel that fucking TV on like a, on a Zimmer framing. And he just came back in with two footies.

And honestly, we were like, ah, the whole class, even the girls are like, fucking get in. We just ran out and played footy for the last hour and a half. They made, I remember the girls just like, we've made a day at the chain and they'd come, do you remember that? Oh my God, that was the thing. See we didn't go to school with girls. My high school wasn't, my primary school wasn't.

I have to answer, I was the first fella to go to an all-girls school in our area because none of the other schools would let me do sixth form in them. What? Yeah, so I got my mum to take me to a girls school, she was a teacher and I was like... Did you have a reputation? Before. like for being a little cunt. Yeah. I was always smart, but I just, I was always entertaining. Yeah. It wasn't even like badness. It was just like showing off. Yeah. It was, I was doing standup in school. That's basically what it was. And I just fucked about and I used to disrupt the whole class. Some of the teachers loved

it. Some of them hated it. But, uh, Sounds very familiar. Yeah. You know the crack. Yeah. Some teachers are like this little cunt and then others were like, yeah, he's all right. So I went to an all girls school and I was the first lad to go there and I'd done sixth form in there, which was fucking unbelievable because I had my own fucking key for my own toilet and all that. Were you the only lad?

The only lad, yeah. In a year of how many? Like a full school of 700 girls. Our friend did this. My friend back then went to a girls school to do six one because it was a certain subject and he actually picked it so he could go to a girls school. He then got expelled for throwing a coffee in one of their faces though. That is true. Yeah. Oh, that takes away from it. Fuck. He was bad. I got expelled for getting somebody pregnant. Willie T says what did the thing was going to happen like fuck's sake. The fuck's in

the thing. Do you have sex in the school? What's that? Why did you expel for getting someone pregnant? Is that a crime? The school was run by nuns. Do you know what I mean? The nun was like, lucky one of you didn't get fucking fucking. It was jealousy. They had that eye on you. Yeah. The nun was like fuck it. But yeah. So I went to that school, but the phone, the funniest thing like we used to just go, we called it on the big, I don't know what just call it over here. When you met school, when you, you don't be over there is taking cocaine on the, did you say on the bike on the big on the big from school was like not going

to school. You know, like bumping off sagging, whatever the nickname was. The best one was it was a summer like coming late June and my mate Stevie was like, I'm as not in the house. Do you want to go up? They lived on the mountain. Do you want to go up and lie out my back? And I was like, yes. And we walked out of school and he says, we'll just go down the main road. You know, be obvious about it. If anybody stops us, we're going to an appointment. And I was like, no, no, no. The school facing us had a maze. I says, we'll go through the maze and then up onto the mountain and down to your house. And he went, right, okay. And we fucking walked up the lane of the next school.

And our headmaster, who was a Christian brother, was walking down the lane with the next school and our headmaster who was a Christian brother was walking down the lane with another two Christian brothers. And he's like, where are you going to lads? And I don't know why I said it, but there was like a thing called novena, which was a series of masses from seven o'clock in the morning to seven o'clock at night in the cathedral. And I said, oh, we were going to the novena. And he went funny. We're going to and he made my mate. It was a real summer's day and he made us go to the, and we'd done about six fucking masses in a row. And my mate's just looking at me going, you're a fucking wanker. Fuck you. The whole day. The whole day with three

Christine brothers. And he knew what he was doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They went going to Novena. No, I said to him, you could look at it. They could have took us fucking back to the house and booked us. Do you know what I mean? Because that Christian brother get done like he get done with fucking molesting kids. Like, do you know what I mean? But he didn't fancy it with you. He was like, I must have been his type five fucking years. I was in his office every fucking week, four times a week. Never wants to think give me his phone number. They can't. Oh my God. We've got an executive order from one of the listeners.

If you want to send them in, have a word pod at gmail.com. Scott Young says, if a guy gets rejected by a girl in a nightclub, if they spend more than five seconds talking to her after being clearly rejected, he gets kicked out of the club. Sick of seeing guys do their best G song park on payload impression with a girl who's clearly not interested. So I thought the pub yesterday made what is that the G song park on payload? Yeah, absolutely. I marked him out of a game. Didn't he? Yeah. Champions league game. Oh, the way is the way is when the girl goes, I've got a boyfriend, I'm interested. Then they go, are you a fat bitch anyway?

It's like, what? What, like, what's that? That's just being a horrific. That happens so often. That, but. Are you the slag anyway? You're like, what the fuck? That's just the, I mean, you can't like,

I'd love an executive order where lads weren't the worst cunts you've ever seen in nightclubs. And obviously there's more sinister stuff that happens as well. But even if this guy's not being like horrible, just get the fucking message. But you know, if you're a lad and you see someone do what Kyle's just said, if you see another lad doing that, punch his head in. Let's just bring back people getting their head punched in for being horrible cunts.

If you make those, they go, lads, what the fuck are you doing? They just shovel away. No biting fingers because we've seen how badly that can go. Because it ruins, I mean, you end up with a blue tooth. The worst thing that happened to the world was the idea that violence is never the answer. Sometimes if someone's being a cunt, give them a fucking smack and people learn to not be cunts because then they get worried about getting a smack. Yeah. If a girl's interested, move on. There's loads of girls who might be. Yeah. That girl isn't Letting a pussy go around.

I just say that. And you know, there's lads that do that. No. Being one of them robots. You know, the lads who are like, they're trying to try to look with anyone like one of those robotic hoovers. They just sort of go into that corner, no, and then they just go there and, but don't fucking linger and be a weirdo. Yeah, they're doing it wrong. What you do is you pick your ugliest friend, right?

And you go, do you like her over there? And then you go, yeah, because if he's ugly, he's going to fucking like the girl that you like, right? And then you go over and say, listen, this is Deden Barson. He's my friend over there you see the ugly one and he really likes you but he doesn't have much confidence and do it with a smile on your face and she'll she'll go oh he's a really good friend so straight away you're in with her that way right she thinks you're doing something really

nice and then you're breaking the ice and then you go look he wants me to ask but I'm going to buy you a drink first and I know you're probably going to say no so we'll just let on that I'm fucking doing the groundwork here. Nine times out of ten you're going to fucking, you're going to go with her like. Nine times out of ten! That is insane. Unbelievable. Because straight away you've made yourself look even better because she's going, well, if that thinks they have a chance at me and he's better looking than him, then I'm going

to take the better looking one. 100%. Because she's automatically thinking she's getting the better deal, do you know what I mean? And that's, and everyone should have a munter mate. Don't hang around with the hot boys, you're going to be the munter. Well it's dinner with Smucks, that's what you're doing, that's technically what you're doing.

Nine times out of ten, Nine times out of ten. Get a knobba. Life coach. He's done it though, I'm guessing you've done that. Experience. Yeah. It works. I was doing it with the nuns.

The bad thing was, I probably was one of the mates that was the ugly one that my mates used to have. Another executive order. Tom Bridge says, I have an executive order for you lads. Sources like ketchup and mayo should automatically be brought to the table or already on the table every time you go to a restaurant. Saves time and hassle. Where are you eating? That's like default. Where's every restaurant in the world should bring mayonnaise. Cafes, yeah. Cafes should have it on the table. No, but obviously this is people that don't have kids. Because the first thing you have to do when you go into a restaurant

and you have kids, because I know why fucking loads them, is fucking lift everything off the fucking table and put it on a fucking high place because the kids will open it or use it or play with it. Or you have to play the memory game with them. Do you ever do that? The kids memory game in a restaurant so that don't touch the fucking stuff. So you put like one fucking red sauce, a knife, a fork, a bottle, a fucking candle. And then you go reclose your eyes and then you close your eyes and you take one away and then you go, which ones are bad. And then

that's the game you have to play to stop your kids from fucking lifting everything on the table. Problem done. I've never had that problem. That was it with Laura. Laura plays it with me though. Oh hang on. Restaurants no, but if you're in like a cafe and you get like a fly off you want some of that. They shouldn't just ask for the sauce you want. Aye love, here's your bacon butty. Oh can I have some brown sauce please? That's all it takes.

Ben Ward says if a company lets you sign up to a subscription in one click, they have to allow you to cancel it in one click. Spending an hour on the phone to someone who's not paid enough to deal with angry bellends is bullshit. That's the law, no? That is a law.

It has to be as easy to unsubscribe as it is to subscribe. Ben Ward, you've made it happen, mate. Retrospectively done. If it's a one click subscription, it has to be a one click cancel. They've made it happen, mate. Retrospectively done. If it's a one-click subscription, it has to be a one-click cancel. They've made it the law. Can't be like, oh, why are you leaving? Will you email it?

And now it's just like, no, and it's gone. And this is why we voted for Labour. Steve O'Brien says, last one, if someone doesn't wave to you to say thank you at a zebra crossing, you should be able to run them over. At a zebra crossing? No, not at a zebra crossing. you should be able to run them over. At a zebra crossing? No, not at a zebra crossing. No, no, no, that's my right.

If I cross the road at a zebra crossing, I don't even, I ghost the driver. No, you still do that, you do. No, I don't. Oh, I do. If someone doesn't let you, if you've waited for someone when you're driving and they're coming in the opposite direction

and they don't thank you, then I wanna fuck it. A thank you wave should be for, you did something you didn't have to do. At a thank you, then I wanna fuck it. A thank you wave should be for you did something you didn't have to do. At a zebra crossing, they've got to do it. Fucking sit there, shut up, and I'm taking my time. And people in cars who expect you to sprint across a zebra crossing. Like you can see them like fucking like,

fucking me, I'm like, this is my road. I'm gonna go slower now, you big fat old cunt. But I will just go, like, I will, I'll just do it automatically. You're giving the wave, if you've got priority and they've waited, you know there's a car in the road. Do you wave then? Because I mean, in theory, you've got priority,

so you don't have to wave. There's a tunnel by the motorway, that's one way. Do you know what I mean? In Robie, goes onto the 62. Oh, the Robie tunnel. And that is like, one way it's got priority and the other way he hasn't. But like, if anyone lets you out, no matter what way you like, nice one. Yeah.

It's just the way it is. They have to stop it. They've still, you know what I mean? You just say nice one, don't you? Not as ever a person. It's mad that you're a maniac when you're in the car. I'm a maniac. Oh, I'm horrible. I'm a fucking, like I am. I'm the hardest kind of a man. I will kill people.

Paddy, Paddy, respectfully, you sound like a bit of a maniac out of the class. I'm not trying to fuck with you. No, generally I'm a nice guy, but behind the way I'm a fucking, I'm a fucking, I will fucking fake it. Yeah, I'm awful and I'm a shit house if anything happens, I get batted. But in the car, my ego is disgusting. I think I done the other day and I noticed that it's fucking weird to do this. Do you know when you're at a show or a cinema and you have to get past people? Like if you need to go to the toilet, you need to get out and people have to stand up to let you

out. You apologize. Why? Why do you apologize? Yeah, because you're inconveniencing them. Do you know what I mean? But you're going, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. And I'm like, I'm not fucking saying sorry no more. I need to fucking piss. Do you know what I mean? At the match, if you stand up. Oh, nice one sorry, sorry. I'm not fucking saying sorry. No more. I need a fucking piss. Do you know what I mean? At the match, if you stand up, you're like, oh, next one. Thank you. Oh, I know. But people miss time that don't they? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like I know you, you want to go for a pint at certain points, but when the games get into that, you know, when you're- What do you mean? What do you mean a pint? What? What do you mean a pint at the football match? Yeah.

We don't get that in Scotland. No. What do you mean? Oh, because you're a Celtic fan. Oh yeah, it's banned, isn't it? Yeah, there's no way fans. No, we have to sneak it in. Yeah. And they've still got it all on the concourse. Nope. And they've reaffirmed that this week. Whoever's in charge of it, I saw it is reaffirmed this week. But if you're in hospitality, you can get. Hang on Rangers have just had the way fans for the first time, haven't they? Hasn't that just? No, Seldic let them back in. Right. And then literally about 400 of them.

If you go into like club Seldic, you can get a pint, but you can't bring it in into the thing. But you have to be like in club Seldic or hospitality, as he says, to get a drink. What like is the, because I know a lot of Northern Irish lads are Celtic fans. Like a lot. Is that like a thing in Northern Ireland? Is it just because... It's like Liverpool, Liverpool, it's like you're Celtic or Rangers over there. Even if Celtic and Rangers isn't your first team, you support one or the other. Right, okay.

So it's religious based basically. Yeah, 100%. And you've been going over, you go over to Glasgow... I've been going over from like 85, 84, something like that from as a kid. Cause my dad's nickname is big Celtic. That's his nickname. How's he get that? He used to, he used to bleat Celtic in these jeans in the sixties when he was a kid and everybody called him big Celtic cause he was very tall. Like a lamb. How hard do you have to be in West Belfast to have Celtic in your

jeans? Well, he says that we're all Man United fans in. Right. Yeah. That makes like in the sixties, they were all Man United or Leeds with the two teams. Like they, he says everyone supported them. And then the European company says, Oh, then Celtic was like, Oh fuck no. We'll support Celtic because we had a team in Belfast called Belfast Celtic and they were actually supported more than Glasgow Celtic. And then they left the league because of sectarianism. Like they folded. And I've never been to an old firm and not to sound like a fucking football tourist, but I'd love to see an old firm game. What's it, what's it like? It's just a good atmosphere. It's not, don't get me wrong. We don't mix. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But it's not like the way everybody makes it like, like it's war. You know, Danny Dyer turned up one time. He's like, yeah, I can feel the fucking tension. And we were standing eating hamburgers beside him. Fucking food. Oh, fuck. He take it off my neck. What the fuck you on about the deck? The burgers Adam. Do you know what I mean? You don't want to Ibrox. Yeah. Fuck. That's what people say to me. I hate Ibrox. I fucking loved it. I loved going, you know, tormenting them and fucking doing so well at it. But I've seen us getting fucking terminated at Parkhead too over the years, you know that way. So it's just a good atmosphere. It's just like, ah, get in there bastards. Do you know what I mean? That's a pod.

A party you've been fucking brilliant. Thank you very much. A on socials. Where do you, where do we find you? Yeah. Just party. McDowell and party the dagger. All them names you'll find me on it. That's what it is. And you've got a podcast with a fucking love. Willie. He's the best. He's spastic. He's my response to it, but I can say it. You know, he put that tattoo in my leg.

Did you see it? No, it's a little patch. Fuck me. Oh my God. Wow. That's so you can park anywhere. I've caught cerebral palsy off him. That's where you can park anywhere. Well, it's fucking ironic, man. It's the fucking leg room. It's the one fucking leg room. I've caught cerebral palsy off him.

Do you know what I mean? Cerebral palsy parties are there. He's got cerebral palsy in his pralice, and I don't know if the two things are connected. I don't know any Catholics with cerebral palsy. No loads of Down syndrome, but none with cerebral palsy. That is a part. Where in Italy? Where in Italy?

So this has been pre-recorded. The weather was yesterday. Yeah, so by the time this goes out, Carl will have a ring on his finger and not an arsehole. Maybe. Oh, looking forward to that pizza pie. We've got a tune this week. It's from a band called Casino Club. the Chasing the light after you Around and around we go And I swear I'm fine

But we know that's a lie Cause I'm losing sight of the truth I think it's time to go But my head is spinning round To a never ending town With an answer I just can't see Now I stand on my own I got nowhere else to go

Won't you please just take me home I'm begging you, begging you Now I'm standing on my own I got nowhere else to go Won't you please just take me home I'm begging you, begging you I guess I know That I should know better and just forget it all

This time I let it go But my head is spinning round to an ever-ending town With a nest that I just can't see Now I am standing on my own I got nowhere else to go Won't you please just take me home? I'm begging you, begging you Now I am standing on my own

I got nowhere else to go Won't you please just take me home? I'm begging you, begging you Now I'm drinking just your reason babe but everything still feels the same And I'm begging you don't let me go, don't let me go, cause I need to know Now I'm drinking just your reason babe but everything still feels the same And I'm begging you don't let me go, don't let me go Cause I need to know You