Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #325 with Josh Jones - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: April 20, 2025

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comDan's Anthems: https://www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Liverpool/Content/DANS-ANTHEMS---HAW-Dance-All-Dayer-4pm---10pm/40595747/Comedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's Karaoke Party: https://skiddle.com/e/40472096Pre-Save to Finn's new single 'Remedy': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/RemedyAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Turtle Beach | https://turtlebeach.com/word10Level up your game and get 10% off @TurtleBeach with code WORD10! #turtlebeachpodLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Manual | https://manual.coGet 45% discount on the initial at-home testosterone blood test kit with code: WORD45Merch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. You know what that bell means, don't you Dan? Start of another brilliant have a word episode. Whoa, yes. And ring a bell if you've got the best Patreon in the UK. Patreon.com slash Have A Word pod.

If you're going to enjoy this episode, you are going to love being a patron. 30,000 lids can't be wrong. For as little as three pounds a month, you get an exclusive episode every Wednesday. You also get early release of the video on a Saturday morning and then the specials call. So many specials. We've been around the world baby. I'm back. We've got drunken here and then we've been around the world. India, America, Amsterdam, Spain, we're going to Turkey. We're going to see the whole of the world and you can come along with us for just £3.

That is cheaper than a layer pack. Sign up and join the LID Army. Also, we're on a stand up tour, the Murderers Row stand up tour. There are a few tickets available in the remaining venues. So have a look at have a word pod dot com where you can buy tour merch. Also, if you like extra content on top of your extra content, we give you that. We've got film club Q&A's, all kinds. And me and Harry Robinson, I've got the sickest new podcast on the block, which is you that. We've got film club, Q&A's, all kinds. And me and Harry Robinson have got the sickest new podcast on the block, which is Mad That.

I've got a dance event in April, April the 20th for Dan's Anthems. DanNightingale.com for that. Adam's got some live shows coming up. There's loads of chances to see us, but it all funnels through the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Have A Word Pod. This episode, as well as many others like it, is an absolute belter. Three quid. You look good today. Thank you.

A lot of people say we don't get on an episode, but as soon as we're doing adverts, we're best friends again. Come here you. Come here. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have Our Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me.

Ooh, I had the tism, I had the food tism going on strong yesterday. Los Iguanas have changed their burgers and I was really looking for, I just wanted how it's been. I've got used to it. It's not even that good, but I've become Stockholm syndrome into really liking their gaucho burger and then they've gone and changed it. I had a great day yesterday. slow start, Laura's doing bits. We've been recording a lot.

She's been doing bits with other men. And I felt like I was being a good dad. She was like, oh, I need to go and do this. I was like, you go. Knowing full well, mid afternoon, I was gonna go, can I go to the gym? So because I'd got those- Can I go to the gym?

No, because you just wanna keep it smooth. You can't go to the gym. So because I'd got those can I go to the gym? It's after we've been recording every day. Yeah. So when I had a really good little pump with the boys, you know, I like the pumps and I'm also on testosterone replacement. So the pump feels good. Then I was like, I really need to go to Marks and Spencer's because I'm 68 years old. But I did not- Whoa, I'll have no slander against Sparks, mate. I was preempting the slander.

Is this from Marks and Spencer? This is not from Marks and Spencer. It's lovely though. Thank you very much. I like it. But Dan, you are dressed like a TV presenter because you've got A on your cap and B on your jacket. Like, well, they're not ABCs today. Good. Thanks, right? That's how they do it. And it, hey, what TV show does this come?

Kids TV. I don't watch it. Probably show. Oh, he's a kids TV presenter. Yeah. I just think you look really cool. I love a coach jacket and that is a beautiful example of, but I needed some basics for the holiday because it's not a holiday. It's a wedding and there's a pizza party. There's a obviously I don't have to worry about the wedding because you've suited and booted me. That's great. And then there's also a pool party. I'm concentrating more and I hate to use this word because this feels like it's a word that you've started using and now I use, I never used to say outfit, but all of a sudden I've got to think about outfits.

And I feel like Marks and Spence is perfect for that. But then I also fancied a drink and a bit of food. If you really want to be down with the kids, by the way, it's just fits. Oh, right, yeah, yeah. Not me fit. I don't think you can say that if you're shopping exclusively at Marks and Spence.

Hey, Marksies is flying, baby. Marksies have hired the guy who is... The guy behind Reese, the high street store, the high end high street store. The guy who used to do their menswear design. Has moved over to them. He's now at Sparks. Well, he's absolutely nailing it.

But I did an online Marks and Spencer's order and spent 300 and you know when you do that thing of like, I'm gonna buy all of these, I will probably keep half of it, send the rest back. Eight out of the nine things I bought have gone back. It was a total fucking write off. So I was going, I'm going in person, going live. Decided to go to Los Aguanos, so I got a taxi

because I knew I wanted a little drink. So I got a taxi from mine to Cheshire Oaks to have tea on my own, had two beers and a margarita, felt great. If you want to feel good about shopping for a holiday, just get a little bit buzzed before. Don't go too far though, because when I did that in Texas, I ended up buying the most expensive pair of boots I've ever bought in my life. Yeah, there is that risk. Live for BPM for two nil.

I had eight pints of Guinness and then bought some cowboy boots. So the rule is don't get bingoed and then go shopping. Because that's a dangerous combo, isn't it? You come out with a flowery dress and you're like, fuck it. I feel, I feel good. It's my new fit. It's for middle-aged women, but they've changed the burger. I don't know what they changed it from and to.

It was good burger. They had this lime habanero mayo. It was really nice and I didn't like it at first but then I've come to enjoy it. You don't strike me as a man who looks at the word habanero and mayo and goes that's a bit of me. But it was and they've gone oh you know what we need a new burger. No you don't. You're las sguanas. Everyone knows what you are. You're available. It's a bit more colourful than the average restaurant. The food's fine, don't fucking change it. And then I was like, hey, you know, because the menu changed on what Monday? I was like, could you get us a bit of that lime habanero mayo? He was like, oh, we don't do it anymore.

I was like, yeah, but you do, don't you? It's somewhere in it. You're telling me they changed the menu on Monday and they just do a fucking ritual burning of all the lime habanero mayo? Well they probably did just throw it all away. No! They've got to me, what's the new sauce? What's the new sauce? What's on the new? Just burger sauce. Yeah but they need the space in the fridge for all the burger sauce. Get a new fridge and then have like, I want to be, I want it to be like you know in Gulf of Wales. You want every restaurant to have a Dan fridge, that's what it is. Make your own. Guys! Make your own habanero sauce. Oh, who are you? My mum from the early 90s.

You don't need that, we'll make you one. Fuck that, I want theirs. If they'd have just gone, hey, we've put some at the back. You're a little special customer. Yeah, they've got a fucking customer. Sort a brother out. Could just be going in.

You might fall in love with a new burger. It's fine. They're like, oh, the cheese is the same. No, it's not. It's different cheese. It's literally a kid getting a stepdad and he, I don't like new burger, Dad. It's fine. It's not right. He doesn't do it the way old Dad used to do the burgers.

I hate you when restaurants do that. Don't do that. Just do it like you've always done it, forever, until I die. It's not like Las Aguadas is like flying, is it? They're not like the go-to gaff. So maybe they've had a sit-down and gone, hey, there's one fella in Chester who loves this burger. But other than that, it's not selling.

What if I paid for the fridge? What if I went, hey? You can. Why don't you buy a steak in Lasaguanas? That's Johnny Paycheck. Exclusively, my DMs now. It's all earning more. It's the only joke anyone can do.

You deserve it. It's so, it's like what are Adam and Carl taking the piss out of him for? Oh yeah it's this now, snakes are boring, let's do this. Get on the board of Lassiguala. How about snakes? Yeah it's good. The one saving grace is that you things get forgotten. Tom you know I'm disappointed, but booze, you know, funny, cause we said on, we recorded a couple of days ago and we were like, oh, booze on your own. I think I'm getting into it, mate.

It's so good. It's, I think it's good. And I'm not, you know, I don't have the, no one in my family were a good pint stroke alcoholic. So I don't have that in the back of my head. But I think that's the way forward. Make some gains in the afternoon at the gym, at the pump house.

No, what was it called? Iron house. The iron house, yeah. And then ruin it all with a cheeseburger you're not even into. And a fucking little margarita. You love your own company, don't you? I love my own company,

but I think you love your own company more than even me. Well, what I'm discovering is I love my own company even more when I'm half-cut, and that's a dangerous discovery, isn't it? Yeah. You know? Really, really dangerous.

Yeah. I mean, I like a bit of time to myself, but it turns out way more with two Pacificos and a Margarita. I love my own company for like an hour, and then I'm like, right, social time. Um, yeah, but there's not, there is no right and wrong here. If you can't do socializing, then the whole time on your own thing is going a bit spectrumy and a bit like, come on, we've got to integrate. I like a bit of time on my own. It gets tested when we're away for more than a week. And then I can't do what we do here in this studio.

We also do it when the cameras aren't on. Basically, the only difference is most people have got a phone in their hand. Go and add love. Honestly, if you just record out there, it will be Steve and Harry or Carl playing darts or it'll be Adam on his phone. But it's the same level of, I can't do eight days of that. I love you.

You've changed my life. Love this podcast. And Danny needs a little like quiet time. I would love them to see you at the airport on the way back from a trip that we did. I'd love them to just follow it. Cause you are nowhere near us. Imagine all of us in an airport, right?

And then imagine what that's like for someone who doesn't get us, who doesn't like it. Who's like those fucking dickheads over there. That person, the person who is the most annoyed that we're all there is like less annoyed with us than Dan is. Yeah. Dan's like, I just don't want to,

I don't want to be able to wear these. It's not that. You ate us fine, but you ate us at the end of it today. But the thing is at the end of a trip, that's when you guys go, hey, Dan hates this bit. Doesn't he? Let's turn it up to 11. Well yeah, you're giving two wolves the smell of blood.

That's what it is. We see you in a mood and go, hey, he's already in a mood. This could go fucking apes. If we really play this right. Let's be honest in Dublin airport. I mean, it felt like a lot of people were flying back from our show anyway. That time. Oh yeah.

I thought you meant the most recent, because the most recent Dublin airport, all of our girls were there, apart from Lauren who couldn't make it because she was boxing and baffling the kids. And you, we had a giant table for enough for everyone to sit at. And Dan went and sat in another quarter of the departure lounge. He was like, go and sit in VIP mate, pay for the privilege. I just needed a plug. There was plugs with us. There was no plugs. I saw no plugs. We will leave the hotel together after a week's recording away

and then we will see you next when we're getting our bags in the side. We go, see you at work. We won't see you on the plane. Yeah, but what do you want? You want tampon down all the way back? Is that what you want or do I want to take myself out of that? We're not asking you to change it. We're just commenting that it happens.

You're reclusive, aren't you? Yeah, we'll go to Burger King and like, no, no. Dan is in the opposite to Burger King. Genuinely, if we go into an airport and there's a Burger King and like a Yo Sushi, imagine him, and we all go, we're getting a Burger King. Even fucking Foodie Mcdivvy over here will be like, do you know what, if they're all going Burger King,

I'm having a Yo Sushi, man. I will chow down some cold salmon. Yeah. Yeah, well done. Yep. That's me guessing what fish is in sushi. Salmon is a good one. Could be any fish.

And now, let me tell you this, on the way, I'm all giddy and excited. I'm not just a fucking radio on the way out. I'm just, I'm not a curmudgeon the whole time. I just, I hit an expiry date. I think. Yeah. Right. Yeah. When, when the cameras are off and you no longer have to, you don't. So yeah, I'm like this with my family as well. My favorite time is Jordan. I mean, Jordan during a party, like maybe a house party whenever when I go away on my own for five minutes. Yeah. So you're coming at this from a different, from a similar place. Are you socializing with them being on your own?

You're on the socialize. You go for a week. You really take your time. Fantastic. Keep the bathroom door locked and just have a little go on your phone. But you're rarely like party pissed. You just, I know four times a year each, you know, season, you have a bevy, don't you? Proper bevy. Mainly you just maintain a nice level of, oh, Carl's had a couple of drinks. So yeah, I might get that at a party, but there's not enough time for me to get all, I get party pissed. So I'm all in. Do you think you're going to be bingoed on the first night in Italy? I have never gone to an organized weekender thing where I haven't got overexcited and spaffed my party load on the first night. So you're going to officiate the wedding hanging out your arse? I'm really going to try to rain. It finishes at 10 on the first night.

Oh, and we'll make sure and come around. It's okay. Everyone that lights out. The bus takes everyone back to the venues. So obviously we're at the same venue so we can call. I'm in the venue. Is the bar closed at 10? The party ends at 10.

Yeah. Is the hotel bar closed at 10? It's ends at 10. Yeah. Is the hotel bar closed at 10? It's not a hotel bar. It's the bar that we've set about to have the party bar. We'll get a few fucking things from the airport. Right. I'm driving to Italy. We'll have a boot party. Plus I've got an estate now. Doesn't mean anything. I'm getting all the ingredients for my own Negroni's from the airport. Homemade Negronis? In his bath? Homeies? A bath of Negronis. Oh yeah. Got a question for you by the way. I have been dying to answer it. Okay. If you know the answers to this, if you know it, I don't want you to say it. It's just a train thing? Yeah. Okay.

I don't know what this is. How long do you think if you have to guess, if you had to guess, how long do you think in miles is the great wall of China? It keeps the Mongols out. Don't it? That's why they built it. Yeah. The Mong empire couldn't get in. Oh, is that what they called it? I mean, that's what the Chinese called it. Um, so you, the fact that you've asked this question means it needs to be a ludicrous answer. Well, no, just answer it like 550, 550 miles. So that would be here to London and Bach and halfway back. Okay. I would say it's a thousand miles. A thousand miles.

I'm gonna go 1000 miles. So that's like five, five X here to London. Yeah. Well, it's about 200 miles to London from here. Mathematician, right. Five X. So just before I give you the actual answer, for a bit more context, so here's a London is 200 miles.

It's about 2,800 miles from New York to LA. If you were driving it, right, which not a lot of people do, but yeah, yeah, takes a long time on X. So it's 2,800 from New York to LA. It's just 200 from here to London. So like New York to LA is 14 times here to London. It's big. The Great Wall of China is 13,000 miles long. What? You would have to drive from New York to LA four times.

And then after that, drive from here to London five times. And you still wouldn't be at the end of the Great Wall of China. What? They hated the Mongols, didn't they? Isn't that the maddest thing you've ever heard in your life? Where is it in China? Where about? Is it on a border? With Mongolia? Surely? That's how big their border is with Mongolia. Wasn't that who they were trying to keep out? Genghis Khan. Yeah, Genghis Khan. It's good on that.

Do you know, I haven't done any reading of this. If I was like, oh, Dan's on history again. I've just watched Mulan. A lot of my knowledge of this comes from Mulan. What have you got there, Finn? Big, innit? Just looking at it. Just a little, he's not stoned. He's got a sawtooth. And he's used some numbing things on his gums.

And I think it might have affected his brain. And some codeine. I did wonder why you were being so quiet. I thought you were in a little Finn mood. You haven't said a word. Finn's pharmacy potted. I'm getting by, but I don't feel great. You couldn't have just had the day off, you know. I was here anyway. I stayed over

last night. Oh, and the commitment is off the charts. Why did you stay over? Because I had band practice till late and I got a 30 quid hotel. So it may as well. I think there's a lot of people going to be upset because your zingers have been held up in the light last few, last few months. months, uh, everyone appreciating, uh, they'll be back the dimes you've been flipping mate. They'll be back occasionally if I just, one guy was like, can we just, you know, since his podcast has started, Carl and Finn have become so funny with the one liners. I think they should host and Dan and Adam should be on that side. You're like, what you're saying is the podcast we've set up is working. He's there

being funny. We have to come and go, why are you doing that? Fucking Mayo wall of China. And then he gets the chance to just fucking flip those. You're saying it works. What the fuck are we changing it? I'm not editing shit. It's all of that. You'd have to do my whole job. I didn't think it was that. I think it was just the hosting. I'm good. I'm good. There's the foil. The foil. I remember when long in it, you know, the first time Dan missed an episode, we were going to have you here. Do you remember that? Flat out refused. And you were like, I'm not sitting in. How dare I stand where his dad. We did one episode when you were in hospital with COVID.

Yeah. Where it, because it was the spring lockdown, we basically couldn't get a guest and we just did you not here, me here. Yeah, we did the same with it. We did one of them as well. The week after I think. Yeah. Cause I got, I was like,, we did the same with him. We did one of them as well. The week after I think. You missed one? Yeah, because I got, I was like, I keep overdoing this COVID thing and then got it like eight days later and felt really sorry for myself. Yeah, we've done it every year. That's not to be repeated.

No, that was a total, you know, COVID was bummer. Well, it was very last minute and the country was locked down so we couldn't really get a... No, it was, we still never missed an episode. We never miss, mate. That's why we're doing this. This will be... Like by the time this would normally have been recorded,

you'll be married. Yeah. You know, cause you're not gonna be legally married. Yeah. Do you think you'll feel any difference after the wedding next week? Yeah, I do. In your head, will you feel like you're married?

Because just a bit of fucking paper, you're still doing the thing. We're going to feel out of married. We've said all the things that we're going to say, we'll have the rings on, we'll have celebrated. The second one is like, there's the paper and then we're just adding the party onto it. Yeah. People will do that on their own in your registry office and just sign her, but we're like,

no, let's have a party too. But I'll feel married next week. Also, I know this is a bit hippie-dippy, but how much is that legal piece of paper the priority? I know it is officially, the state then recognizes you, but once you've got fucking Vicka Dan, old Papa Dan doing the and everyone's been there and you've had that moment and you've said you're my wife fucking go for it. When you say you're my wife no you say I go is she your wife and you go yeah she my wife that's it. Are you doing the traditional I do or are you mixing up? So we're doing personal vows for Italy, and then the second one we're doing, traditionary.

So, oh, so you're not gonna say I do, isn't it, three? That's not gonna leave your mouth? No. What are you gonna say instead? Go ahead then. Go ahead then, so what? Oh, do you take, no, that's not, Dan's not saying that.

Oh, really? Say your vows. She is fucking banging, look at her. Not giving up that. Dan will go, they've prepared their your vows. She is fucking banging. Look at her. Not giving up that. Dan will go, they've prepared their own vows. Carl, I'll read mine. Seneca will read his. And then Dan will go, yes, give her the kiss. It's a very Scouse wedding. I have to do it in that accent. So there's no ideas?

Nope. Oh wow. What do her family think about that? Because they're very traditional people, aren't they? Her mum's religious, is that what you mean? Is she dead religious, yeah. She's Irish. Yeah, I know that. Is she Irish or has she got a bit of a traveler in her? She's just Irish.

You're meeting her next week, so I wouldn't say that again. Well, I've already met her. Why? Why is that offensive? She sold me a dog. You just Irish, or is it a bit of a traveler in you? That's how I met her. She sold you a dog. Yeah, at a campsite. So you can see where I met her. He sold you a dog. Yeah, he sold me a cannibal.

At a campsite. So you can see where I got confused. I hear Pikeys. No, she's just, it's a lockstox. It's from Snatch. I know Snatch locks. It's from Snatch and it's Pike. Just to clear it up for everyone, it's Pikeys, which is offensive. Isn't it? Some people,

but not as offensive as the word you miss heard. Yeah. It's from snatch, but yeah. Um, no, the window made a window. I remember, I just remember we don done that on the pod years ago. I've actually said it before. Has that ever stopped us? Our history teacher, Mr. Crichton. Do you remember him? I do. Are you shouting at me for saying that word? Well, no, someone said the word Jippo. It was me. Carl said the word Jippo. Like how you tried to get him out of that. He was like, no, it was me. But like he used it like in a ignorant sort of, I want to say ignorance, I don't mean like a malicious, he was just saying the short word for gypsy. And I didn't know that was bad, I was a school child.

But crisis, his family were from that world. So he was really, and he said, that is no different to calling someone a, and he said the word that he shall let us say in class. Right. So that's no different from this hate word that I'm now going to shout at. Yeah.

He said, that is no different than calling an Asian kid a, pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa- And he was the most like meek man with a... He was just like... You found his button? Yeah, but I didn't know. We were talking about... Did anyone use it in the future though? Because once a teacher has shown you their Achilles heel, I mean that's it, isn't it? I think so. None of us were overtly racist. Just covertly. We'd whispered it on him when he never heard us.

Black ops. Chinese whispers. But, I mean, you knew you could get a rise out of him. Oh no, I didn't know. He was just an old man. Probably dead now. Probably dead now, isn't he? Oh, they were always bad teachers. 15 years ago. He wasn't like 70. Was he 44? He probably was. He was the middle to late 50s. No, he was not in his late 50s. He was. No, he was.

You think he was 15 years old and dead? In my head, when I pictured him, because I can't remember what he looks like, he looks like an aging Hans Gruber. Yeah, he does look a bit like a brown hair. Yeah. Not like... When I was 11, my first year history teacher

was called Bernard O'Malley. I don't know why everyone knew he was called Bernard, but he was so old school that it didn't bother him. I think he might have been 87 years old when I started school. Like my mental image of him is like, you're at least 80. I would, it would scare me to to know his actual age when he was teaching us when I was like year seven. He must have been, he might've been 50, but he looked 100. Miss Morrison, yeah, music teacher. She was old.

She was legitimately in her 60s. He is an executive order, all teachers should retire at like 50. Why? I just think the old ones, you just feel bad for them. Sometimes they get good experience. No, the best teacher I ever had was Mr. Taylor and he was probably mid fifties. Leave the teaching before the teaching leaves you.

55 then, because 64 year olds having to deal with it. Teachers are the one group of people you want that experience, they want them to be experienced and knowledgeable and know what they are. Not the son that are phoning it in. Not the resentful ones, not ones who are like, fuck it kids. No, no. But of them. I was the son that are phoning it in. Not present full ones, not ones who are like the fucking kids. No, but like the good older teachers were the best ones. The young teachers, most of our teachers were young teachers

and they didn't give a fuck. They wanted to get a bridge and then go and get fucking fingered at the weekend. Or do some fingering. How young were they? 17. No, we had teachers who were in the 20s. Like early 20s and they really,

they were more like mates with us than. They were the ones that were trying at our school. There weren't loads of them. No, not were teachers who were in the 20s. Like early 20s and they really, they were more like mates with us than... They were the ones that were trying at our school. No, not at our school. The old boys looked like they were just like, oh I'm so close to this pension, get me out of here. No, like there was a couple of them in our school, but like some of the older ones like were just the better teachers. And then the younger ones were just like,

hey, this is my job innit, but fucking sat there. Oh, one five one pleasure. Oh, five one pleasure. Hello. Are you open? The PE departments at our school were just all pill heads waiting to get to the weekend. If you look back, then all, all our PE teachers, I mean, some of them are probably cool but they all wore trackies and just dicked around and shagged the six formers. Is that was that ever proved though? Yeah. Oh of course. Yeah Brendan Beech was on the front of the echo. Oh dear. We've seen this before. We have done this. Yeah yeah. Just feels wrong. It's public information the run for president. Yeah. Oh, is there a number on it? Yeah, there's an age. Can you Google that? Pretty sure. I think it's 45. You have to be at least 45, but you should be after

be like a maximum of 65 because Trump's falling a kick now. Like on top of like 35, 35 on top of his like abhorrent policies is in fucking meetings just going like like Biden was. It's just fucking stupid. They're old men. Biden was next level dozy. They should be on a beach in Florida drinking Pina Coladas and getting sucked off till they die. That's it.

Why would you not want that? I know. Because he's a fucking mania. He is a mania. We're going to put tariffs on everything. No, we're not. By the time this goes out so else model of happen We can't this goes up next week and we can't even talk about the tariffs cuz you know

I'm gonna do my own 9-eleven like he'll do so and insane Have you seen when he falls asleep and Melania looks at him like she wants him to die in his sleep like He's like Dyson he goes and she looks at like, talk about someone who's waiting for the pension. Melania Trump. Oh my God. I would love to see the cash. She's been promised just do another term and then you can go back to fucking Latvia. She is so over it. And she, she's an old man for money forever and ended up becoming the first lady of the United States twice. She was like, what happened? I just want it to suck. Dream though. In it. She's just got the wrong guy with a good guy. That's, that's not a bad, bad deal with Bill Clinton. Yeah. That's a, that's like a romcom in the nineties becoming the first lady. Yeah. It's like pretty

woman or something. She was just like, I'll do, I'll do this. I'll suck off this old man. Exactly. But then they end up becoming a figurehead for the country. Like she doesn't, she doesn't want to be, does she? No, she's not even American. To be fair to Trump, he has sort of said for years that he was going to do this. So that's on air a little bit. Like I know she didn't like,, it's not like he, out of nowhere one day was like, I'm gonna, he didn't do that. Since like the eighties, he's been like, I'll be president one day, me. So like, she probably thought he was full of shit

because he's full of shit with everything else. Turns out to stop, clock is right twice a day and he fucking did it and now she's got a fucking. But you can't fault drugs for actually doing it. It's not a hard life for her, is it? Yeah, she's in the public eye, all she's gotta do is wave at people every now and then, and that's it. She's got to stand next to that stupid cunt though.

That gets shot at. Do you know what I mean? She's not shooting her head, are they? I know, but she's usually stood next to him. In terms of just an easy life, sucking off an old rich guy who isn't in... Some people keep saying that, he keeps getting shot at. He got shot at once, it was one time. Yeah, but they get like 30 death threats a year, don't they?

Like it's off... I get them every time I tweet about Evan. Right. Well, that'll stop spreading next year. I bet it's not asked. She's not like stop tweeting about it. She is actually. I'll tell you whatever, Tony, is when you start shooting at him, I think you've taken it too far.

Do you think they sleep together? No. No. If me and Laura don't, they don't. He stinks. I'm thinking he's very well groomed. And he eats K of eats my Mac. He's in case he just drinks diet coke in bed. Got a button on his desk. If he presses it, someone brings a diet coke into it. I mean, it's not the worst thing I've heard. Oh, it's great. I love it. Such a flex. Diet coke break. Do whatever you want don't think they sleep together? No. I think

that'd be news if they went. I think someone would have leaked that and it like the media would make that out to be a thing. I don't think a lot of presidents have shared a bed necessarily with their, with the, yeah, you get woken up at Dick and a clock and you have to start your day at stupid. I mean, Trump doesn't, he goes golfing, but they sleep separately. Yeah. Yeah. She's probably getting rattled by everyone mate. You know, all, all said, they're worried about him. Yeah. So you can say, what are we doing? Fucking he does. He does still go golfing. I dislike the combo. You also sort of got to respect the fuck you of it. It's like, it's like the Gareth Bale of politics. He's causing murder. And he's like, yeah, but I've got a, I've got a tee time. He was golfing when he lost the election.

They cut to a live camera of him. Oh yeah. Like just golfing. Normally people are in like a big party waiting to see the results come through. And he was just like doing 18 holes. When do you think he comes often? What? Do you think he comes often? When do you's the last time Donald Trump came? Yeah. Do you think he stopped coming? It might be, I don't know, isn't he on light speed or something? He's like been on weight loss tablets that are essentially speed phages. Do you think he grabs his laptop and just knocks one out and no one knows? He doesn't know how to use a laptop or a phone does he? He has to dictate all his tweets to someone and they get someone into sage porn for him.

So that would be that's embarrassing. Isn't it? John come in. I want to see dwarves and oil. Mexican dog eaters. I think he's just looking at China's wall going, oh, they did it. It's jealous of the wall. It's wall going, Oh, they did it. It's jealous of the wall. It didn't work that well, did it? Didn't he build it backwards? I say George as well. Yeah. Manchester comedy. So what do you mean? What do you mean? It didn't work. I don't know the history of, you know, ancient China. I think the mong's got in. Same in America. Okay, time for a break. If I do? Yeah. You know what you should do if you're watching this publicly and you're not a patron, you should sign up. Join Patreon? Yeah, that's what you should do. Join Patreon, you. Now. From as little as three pounds a month. Patreon.com slash have a word pod.

30,000 patrons, can't be wrong. Three pound a month, you get access, early access to these public ones. You get an extra episode a week, a special every month of which there are loads. Nearly 50. Get the back catalog. India, Nashville, lock-ins, ghost hunts.

The second you give us three quid, you can have fucking everything, mate. And next week, next week, maybe this week, I don't know when this goes out, Adam Day is out. Yeah. This month, Adam Day is out. This month, this month. Paul loves doing that.

Get to see me live in my cowboy dreams. Yeah. In my cowboy dreams, finally settling an old score. We put Adam on the back of a horse and he loved it. Oh, it was so good. I'm a natural. Just sign up for the noises Adam made. It's worth it for that. Oh, Adam Day's going to be very popular. I honestly don't think you're remembering that right. I think you did well to not lose your temper. I thought you were going

to go. You were not. I'm not going to ruin it. There was a point where we were laughing. We let you go to judges, right? Cause you might get annoyed about this and it's no one's fault. It's not even the horse's fault. Please go to a page on the comm slash have a web pod. Do not go to the Apple store. They will take more of your money because they are cunts. Go to the website, then download the app. You'll pay the littlest price. I love the Adam Day, Dan Day, Carl Day. It's Finn Day next. Where are we going there?

Because I, there's some of my favorite days recorded and they've gone down really well as specials. Well, we said we'd do Kai Day, didn't we? Kai Humphries does like that stag do I? Everyone before Finn. Yeah, we've got to do Kai before Finn. Lee so Gola day. Everyone has to wear Gola. I thought you were asking after Finn. What are we doing then? Is that not what you were asking? Yes, that's what I was asking. See, fuck off. I wasn't, I don't pick on Finn anymore. He's his own man now. Harry's the bitch now. I want to do Harry day, but I don't really want to spend the day in Wigan. We can do it here. I can bring the Wigan culture to live. No,

we don't want that either. Leave Wigan and Wigan. We'll do Harry minute and we'll just go and have a pie. Except for me. What are you going to have a pie? I have a cheese pie. What's Fin day? What did you say? Spoilers? Yeah. Oh, I don't know where that's going. Um, I I'm happy to, we've got to do, we've got to do Wigan day. It's not even honey. It's going to be, is it going to be in some like combination of par bold, scare man Wigan? I can take you to par ball. Why don't we go and try and be the first people ever to go and stand on every roundabout in scam in the same day? Well, that's nice. As long as I can go to Los Iguanas first. I'm all good. It's half a mile Island as well, which is the biggest roundabout in Europe. Oh, fucking shut up. I think we do the goat guests. That's, that's the step after Jamie day. And we go to races.

The biggest roundabout in Europe is in Cardiff, Harry. Why did you know that? Cause I've driven rather I've driven around the one is good. So Jamie, Mike, Jamie, Eishan, Mike, Jamie, Esian, Mike, Sean. Sean, they would be phenomenal. Sean, they would all just be in his own house, but not with him watching the telly. I don't think Sean's going to agree to Sean. He loves the markets. I think he would. I think that'd be a London one. We've hardly done anything in London, special wise. Sean could be... I feel like I live in London at the minute.

I know, but we never filmed much, have we? And it is quite fun. Anyway, sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod. Laura's been getting into spicy literature. Akita, Akita, Akita. She's... Shaka Khan. That wasn't like a spell. I could tie. She's into it. She'd talk to her. She's sourced man. Fucking weird. It's revving the engine.

I don't know what it's called. She won't tell me. Is she getting more power? I'm getting more promise of pound town. I mean, honestly, I will take it like that. She's, it's all like 17 foot wings. It's bumming kids and not kids, but like bumming people in her. This is what she told me. Vampires, werewolves and fucking. It's twilight. Yeah, but it's more fucking more fucking cause twilight was all like, Oh, I don't know. Like I won't just suck the blood out your neck. I'll suck the gist out your cock as well. No, get it. Are you? Oh, God, you've read it. That's what I get. Laura really read it.

I wonder if there's anyone found that arousing that's listening to it now. Oh, 100 percent. Fucking hell, Adam. When you do that vampire bit, woof. It's weird, though, isn't it? I don't. Yeah, I can't imagine. Is she just reading it? Yes. She's playing as well. There's one hand free though. She's got a kindle. She's got three hands. I think

like dirty kindle. Has she got a screen protector on it? Mate books are going to get me fucking laid. Yes. Laminate the motherfucker. Quality. It's the kids kindle, which is bad. It's bad. It's multi-purpose. It's not good. That's good though. Oh, it's great kids kindle, which is bad. It's bad. It's multipurpose. It's not good That's good, though It's great. Have you ever have you ever used? pornography or literature To get yourself in the mood when you went in the mood Maybe like not recently because I know you're normally in the mood and Laura's not normally in the mood But I mean like in years ago with an ex I knew me. X was like, oh, I'm down to fuck.

And I was like, oh, fucking great. It wasn't nearly in the mood. And she went and got a shower. And while she was in the shower, I just watched some gang bangs and turned myself on so that when she come out, I was ready to fuck. I think every man has done that. Let's be honest.

Everyone's whipped out a little bit of a video just to rev the engine a bit. Gang bangs. What are you doing there? Watching some gang bangs. No, I didn't tell her that at all that that I was watching the highlights of the footy. I love gangbang porn. It's quality.

It's good porn. I like reverse gangbangs, me, where it's one guy in like a million tits, which is half a million women. Again. Or a million who've been in an accident. Maths really gets in the way of his porn watchers. Hang on, let me just work this out. Reverse gangbangs, that's one man with lots of women.

Yeah, it's a big pussy party. Yeah. Is that a gangbang? Yeah. Into reverse gangbang. That's what you have to search to find it. Oh, in my head, a gangbang is multiple penetrations. Yeah, that's why it's called a reverse gangbang.

You're not wrong, Carl. Yeah, that's why it's reverse. And that's what I'm into. I need to see many a dick to get really into it. That's true. Absolutely. And not one where he's like, oh, there's too many dicks. I like a one where he's like, yes, form a queue.

This is what we play for. I can't watch Paul Mcmurray more than one penison. That's why I have not got on this Lilly Phillips, Bonnie Blue hype. Oh, that's too big a queue. Yeah. I don't like more than one dick, because in my head, as I've told you before,

I got two dicks. I have to put myself in this, I am in the situation. And then in my head, because like, like, even in the film, you know, they probably don't all know each other, but I have to sort of think that like, if there's like three fellas, they're probably mates. So then I'm like, why would I want Carl and you there

while I'm knobbing some woman? Oh, why can't you just imagine it's like Liverpool football players? Like it's you and Canate. That's going to be bad for your confidence. As I'm saying it out loud. He's not my first invite. I'm not into willies, so the least willies possible.

Oh, you big gay. No, I'm not into willies. Oh, it's part of the fun. If I'm watching Coronation Sheets, she said I want loads of Willys either. That is the worst. I've never been having sex in sorts. I wish there was more cocks in here. I've never watched porn.

I wish there was more coronation. We need some more cocks in here. You fucking. You can bring as many vaginas as you like. Nom nom nom mate. Sorry, I'm just not attracted to Willys. No, neither am I. That's not it's not every time we talk about the shot, I just like one lady, preferably Sereka.

Wrong button. Yay! Come on! Fuck you. There's also a censor button, you fucking... I'm really excited for you, but Laura, that could really be some snail trails that lead to fucking Pound Town you know. And that's exactly what I said to her and she loved it. Snail trails that lead to Pound Town.

You know what I mean by snail trail. I get it. The juice. We get it. OJ. Get the kitchen roll. Adam's talking. And it's improving her literacy which is good because she was falling behind. What's a reading age? Etta's helping her out.

Oh, you should do little pop quizzes. Isn't it mad by the way that at school you got told your reading age like in front of the class and everyone just got to find out who was like stupid. Hey, your reading age is six, but you're actually nine. Isn't that mad? You big stupid cunt. Did you really get reading ages read out? I think we knew everyone's reading age in our class.

It was like a currency, wasn't it? So what's your reading age? Yeah, you could swap it for three. 26. What's yours? Four. 26? You did top trumps literacy. Surely you top out at the same age. 54. You're reading Agatha Christie. 26. We had pen licenses and that. You were the game people. You had a pencil like year 11. What? You had a pen license. License to pen. That was in little school. That wasn't

in. Yeah. Yeah. We also read it in our reading agent. Etta just got her license to pen. It was a big moment. Yeah. Bitches on my rope. Can you still go up to fountain pen? Cause that was a level above in my little school. It was pencil by row fountain. It was messy. You have to know how to use it. Yeah. I don't like a fine pen. Parker, the Parker fountain pen. Yeah. Oh, getting a Parker by the way. That was like the ultimate Christmas present. That was like above PlayStation. If you had a partner in school, you were a multimillionaire. You're like fucking hell, what's your dad do? Is he an oil baron? He's got a 60 pound pen, at least.

West Derby based oil baron in big ink. Oh the kids with the Parker pens mate they were like a range over in school. My nan got me one for Christmas once and like people in our school, My nan got me one for Christmas once. And like people in our school, in St. Margaret Mary's in Dovey, like my little school, like there was people who were doing all right, like middle-class families, but we were like, we were poor. So like everyone else was like,

oh, like I've got a PlayStation. I was like, I haven't got a PlayStation yet. And then a year or so later, I'd end up getting one. Cause my mom would like get loans and get us it. Cause she never wants us to miss out. But we were always a little bit behind. But I was the first kid in our class to have a Parker pen. And I remember everyone being like,

how the fuck is this fucking Pavo little cunt the first one to have the Rolls Royce of pens in this class? They were £9.99. Oh no. They were £9.99. But they came in a case like, Oh, here we go. This is me being a novelist. It's a really smooth action though, isn't it? Oh, well, that's the biro. Yeah, no, I wasn't talking fountain pens. Clicking a fountain pen? No, the clicky ones. Stabbing himself. It's got like a narrow. I tell you this about Parker Ben, like there was just all show because once you actually

started writing with it, it was just a normal biro. I'll tell you right now by the way, the first second we are done recording and we all break for lunch. You're buying a Parker Ben. I'm going to get a fountain pen. Dan just give him yours, you got it in the post. I'm going to start writing me diary. That's my reading age, the terms and conditions. I'm going to start writing me diary entries in fountain pen.

That'll look cool. You haven't stopped doing your journaling though have you? No. He does it well. He does it well. Golfing. Right. Let's do some annoyed. That doesn't have a shout out to all at a man of golf club. Shout out in it. That's why I wore this in it is I'm bunking on the bar. And they got in touch with me. Yes. These were offered me a free membership of the golf club. Sign that membership with a fucking parker. And they've said if we ever want to do the golf special they'll accommodate it. Well luckily no one does.

That should be the one. We've got gaps haven't we? We need one. That should be this summer. Happy Gilmore 2s coming out. Can I get really pissed? I'll do it if I can get drunk and you get me a cart. Every single, yeah, absolutely. Every single shot.

You can take a shot off your score by chin and a beer. A mulligan. Yeah, three mulligans for every chin. Your marvy fucking playing around easy mate. Loads of chins. Overweight. Within a fat mum joke? Did you try and save it from a alcoholic death joke? Oh no, that was never in play. Oh, alright, that's what it felt like. Oh shit yeah, no that wasn't that. Oh yeah, and he's one killed it. Oh sorry. You're bar will be off scratch mate.

We're the masters. Come on, we'll do that this summer. I'll text Will in a bit. Alright, okay. Dan, do you want to do that? He wants it, look at him. Look, it makes him happy. Plus I know he's not been practicing so he's not going to be that good. I'm not that good anyway.

I'm not. It's dead hard. It's really hard. You're probably gonna be good at it because you're good at everything you pick up you you big gimp. Jack Finningham will break the course record with his dick. That doesn't have to. We're doing some pet peeves, hey? Pet peeves, ladies and gents, and this is how you know we're recording a lot in a week because I'm pulling out this fucking bag of tricks. Brad Jones says, pet peeve, when you order a few different plates at a tapas restaurant, but they come out with an odd number of each item.

Why? You have to specify that you're sharing. Yeah, with one person. Yeah, I think what he's done here is gone. Oh. Well, he's always doing date night. Yeah. I mean, yeah.

It is annoying. I get it, at that state, but just, just be a fucking normal person and be like, hey babe, I'm gonna have two of the enchiladas, you have two of the quesadillas Enchiladas I'm going to have two chunks of chorizo. You have three. And then with this one, with the little pizazz, I'm going to have three of them. You have two. You just like, it's trade. It's trade deals.

Or start a throuple, you know, and then it's less food than the one we used to make trade deals a big bowl. Like they're giving me prawn toast. If you give me a wing there. Yeah, you go to big bone, you got to share and platter between us as you start. So you got a soup each and then it would be two chicken wings, two barbecue ribs, two prawn toast, two wontons, two spring rolls. All feels right. It all feels like you have a call call doesn't really like prawn toast, two wontons, two spring rolls. That all feels right. It all feels like you want to. Yeah, but Carl doesn't really like prawn toast that much. I don't have a prawn toast, but no, I wasn't back then.

So I would take his prawn toast and in exchange I would give him my spring roll. Nice. I do like spring rolls, but I prefer prawn toast. So I was happy to have two of them and he'd have two of them. But if we went now, we'd probably just split it. Yeah.

It's just trade deals. You need to know how to make a deal. There are foods that are more shares. He's on the, you know what I mean? Like once a curry is out, it feels very like I personally think there should be permission asked and whatnot. I mean, I think the curry all of a sudden, everyone's like, oh, I love that yours every now and again.

It would be interesting to go like Italian. Like, oh, one pizza and pasta. So we'll get a pizza and a pasta and then we'll just swap. Which my team, but it was explicit. If I go for a curry with people on there, like, oh, can want pizza and pasta. So we'll get a pizza and a pasta and then we'll just swap. Which my team, but it works. That has to be explicit. If I go for a curry with people and they're like, oh, can I have a bit? Like, I'm like, no.

But you're such a feeder with me every time we go. Yeah, cause I want you to try it cause you don't try anything. You're like, come on. It's very similar to when my dad tried to bribe me to eat food as a kid. We went to the British Grand Prix, you'd be like, right, one bite of this hamburger and you swallow it, the hamburger.

And Michael Schumacher will win. And there's 10 pounds, and 10 pounds was put on the table in McDonald's. You could have fucking monetized that quickly. You know, you could have been a millionaire, just try stuff. There was a bite of a Big Mac for 20 quid and I couldn't swallow it.

And to be fair to my dad, he went, that's off the table. So it's 20 quid. Yeah, fair enough. Fucking Big Mac, you raging spaceman. Ed says, pet peeve, when you get your password wrong, so it has to reset. Then when you go to change it, it says,

cannot be previously used password. Yeah. Just let me use the same one. We know the score. Also, if I'm willing to take the risk of like cyber crime. By the way, the only way that ever happens is if you typed it in wrong the first time. No, because sometimes websites won't let you update your password to a password that's been used.

But what he's saying is he types his password in and it goes, that's not your password. So you'd have to change it. And then you go to change it and you type it in and it goes, oh, that's already your password. You can't have that. No, it could have been a previously used password that you've already changed since. Yeah. No one's actually doing a bespoke password

for every single website, are they? No, you should. Apparently. You're meant to. By the way, the biggest pet peeve with this, and you probably don't get this with your perfect Android phone. There's an Apple thing now where if you have to sign up to a website, it goes,

we've got you the password. Don't worry about it. You go to sign up and remember that put it on the list. No, it just goes, we've got one super strong one. Nice. So no one ever gets this one boxed here and you don't have to remember it. Don't worry about it. We will remember it for you. So it's X, X, X, S, T, U, V, P, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K, K then you go to sign in and it goes, what's your password? And your phone goes off. That's why I can't use it because it doesn't all it.

It doesn't remember it. It just goes, ah, fuck it. Forgot. Fucked it. I know, man. If you've got different passwords for everything, do you have to write them down somewhere? I've got different passwords for a lot of things

and they just store them yet. How many can you store? So I've got like, I think I've got different passwords for a lot of things and they're just stored in me head. How many can you store? So I've got like, I think I've got like five passwords and I'll know mainly whenever I get one wrong, I'm like, wait, it's probably this then. I have like five iterations of one. So I have the password. And then because of stuff like this,

like me next version of it is that password with two exclamation marks. And then there's a third one, which is two exclamation marks and then a question mark. It's just punctuation at the end of the actual password. Yeah. Yup. Gee says, pet peeve bakeries and the likes

sticking pistachio or desiccated coconut on top of everything that looks nice and subsequently ruining it. There is no reason for a delicious pastry to have its potential dashed by a handful of green nothingness Stop all the pistachio pasties this is a show pasties are both covered in pistachios Just order a croissants and shut the fuck up. I only realized everyone just up. I only realized recently that almond croissants have got a little tasty treat inside. No one told me. What were you doing? I just thought they had, I just thought I had like bits of

almond nut. No one gives a fuck about almond. Creamy surprise. It's nice. No, I just had a normal one, but it's taste like a disarano. Where were we in East London? Where were we? That guy that fucking eight pound croissant. Oh, I was, I was either. We had brunch before we went to the tire of London like cool place. Oh, mom let a good pastry place by the way, like I'm such a little fucking Sunday brunch gimp, you know, like I love just going like getting up going for a walk, getting a coffee and a pastry on like a Saturday or Sunday morning. shove it up my ass mate class. The one we got in London was where we traveled for it. Dublin it, wasn't it?

We got a taxi to the bakery. The Dusty Knuckle in Dalston in London is my favorite one. And Lannan's in Edinburgh. If you're ever in Edinburgh, it's worth the walk out to Stockbridge for Lannan's. Unbelievable. But yeah, just don't get a pistachio one. I don't know.

Pistachio's in at the moment, though. Like Dubai chocolate. Pistachio's gorgeous. That's why it's fucking perfect on a pastry. Fucking play the guitar. Long Corn in the Lane do two, two class ones, do Salt and Pepper Danish, which is unbelievable and just their plain ham and cheese. Oh, the Hazelnut Surprise Supreme thing in there, mate. It's just a big cube of joy.

I'm gonna shag everything. Are you still carb-less? Not carb-less, but like carb deficient. Carb-less. There's no bread entered. Oh, I had some bread with me breakfast, Chesty. Oh, I didn't either. I haven't had bread in nearly three weeks.

No waste. Should we do some advice? I think I probably had about 900 calories on top of this. Are you carrying on after the wedding with your diet, or is it out the window? In a much more mellow way, because I'm very strict at the minute, because I want to make Karl look fat at his own wedding. That's the plan. I feel like diets... That's what friendship's for, isn't it? Diets cause more food talk than non-diets. 100%. It's on my mind. I'm thinking more about food. I watch you just go insane at your own, like you've done it to yourselves.

You know what? It's skinny privilege, isn't it? Skinny, real privilege this. I wasn't skinny for a long time. You are now. I've been fat for more of my life than I've been skinny. I wasn't skinny for a long time. You are now. I've been fat for more of my life than I've been skinny. I'm not skinny. I'm just normal. No, you're just normal. It's all that shagging. Advice. Jim says, hey, Lids, need some advice.

I'm getting married to my beautiful fiancee and we've recently had some issues with our catering. We had a guy booked and deposit paid. He told us to get in touch in mid-March with final numbers for the day, etc. We did that but got no reply to our email, waited a week and tried to follow up, which also got no reply. So after a few more days, we tried again, also trying to ring him. His number was not recognized. We got in touch with a lady who we are getting our tables and stuff from, who said that the guy had died earlier this year. She then said there was a company that was picking up most of his bookings

who were free on our wedding day as well. This issue, this is the issue I have. It's the company, the company she suggested is run by my ex and her family and there's no other option for caterers. What do I do? That's from Jim. I mean she's not going to like shit in the butties, is she? You never know. People do mad stuff. I don't know if you could have an ex as your caterer for your wedding. As long as there's no feelings there.

I don't know. In my experience. Speak now or forever hold your peace. You marry her and I'm not giving you these egg and cress buzzies. What if you're just looking longingly over the buffet going, Oh my God, look at Faye. Do you want to find out her date? Oh gee, she looks good around sandwiches. This happened to you.

Before you get legally married, someone comes up and goes, Are you doing this because you want to or not because you're being forced? And you have to go, yeah. And they go, okay. Yeah, Laura went, please let me go back to my country. And everyone was like, that's offensive. We really told her off. Huh? No. So one of the legal people before you literally just before you walked out, whatever, go, are you doing this with your own free will? And you have to go. Yeah. And yeah. And then the celebrant leaned into me and went, you sure you want to give up all this pussy lad?

I think Sarah could have be asked if you like everything went to shit with your case in the last minute now. Yeah. Your only ex, if she was now running an Italian case in a firm, would Sarah could be like, she's not less of a full she'd be fine with it. Yeah. Even if she was there, what if it was obvious that your ex was still into it and she was like, oh, just lay these bananas out. Go! She go, I wasn't, there was no issue, but since this woman is now fileting a banana that we didn't even order,

what a bit of an issue, can you have a word with her? I go. Do you think she'd be less asked if you did order it? It'd definitely be a problem for me. You don't want the bananas right on the menu, so what can I It'd definitely be a problem. I was well on the menu. So what can I do? Faye was always having bananas. She was potassium deficient. If you know what I mean? She loved bananas. I think she'd make me say something. I'm thinking of just, can you call that all banana?

Yeah, quite distracted. I'd be like, you can leave by the way, we've got the bananas and the egg and crepes, which is a crazy thing. Is there going to be egg and crepes at your thing? You'll know she still wants you back if she just stays around the catering going, I just need to tidy up as people eat it. What do you mean? There's no egg and crepes? Cause we're not in the broad Broadway for someone's 40th. But you know full well, like after the main wedding meal, like the night meal, the extra

like butties that they bring out. The Schumacher isn't it? No, we've got... Everyone wants just a basic ham butty or an egg and crêche butty. They want kids party food. We've got live cooking stations. I'm already cooking now, Cook me an egg and grass. Maybe they will. Unlikely though. I should know. Stop asking. And butties. Beef butties. There's going to be so many surprises for me. Turkey butties. Turkey butties on brown hovers. When things

come out at the wedding you go, go, wow, that's sick. I would've gone, man, isn't it? But you've agreed to it all, but it's gone in and gone out. I know it all, it's in there, but I couldn't conjure it. Yeah, you're like every dad at Christmas with the presents. It is. Are you knowing it and not being able to conjure it? Is not knowing it?

When they say it, I'm like, yeah. 100%, this is every dad, nearly every dad at Christmas with presents. When like, I'll have bought one present all, and then Laura's done the rest. And it's coming out. And the kids are like, wow. And you're like, wow. Even though I've been told what they're getting,

I've probably seen it. It's gone in and gone out. This is going to be such a nice surprise for you. Yeah. I mean, I know all of it, I think, but like the cooking stations are not massively up on. I know there's cooking stations. I'm just going to put a fellow in. I'm going to get a bossy fellow. There's no nachos. Oh, it's all the continent. Yeah. Not the continent of Mexico. Oh, that continent. I see the natural question. This is apparently a big relationship

question this, right? Apparently this is really, this is like, it's a woman's trick to see how men think. Right. So Carl, I've said, like I said to you, we're having nachos for tea. Right. And then she went, can you go and pick up some bits for it if I give you the list? She sends you Tesco. And on the list is pretty much everything that you need for nachos, apart from tortilla chips. They're not on the list. Would you get them anyway? You can't get all of it. She's not on some film. Would I get them anyway? Yeah. Even though they're not on the list?

Yeah. Would you? Yeah. Only with this example, the rest of it, I'm a num nuts. Like she could go, I need this stuff for sandwiches. If she doesn't specifically say bread, I might miss that. Oh no, yeah, that's a good point. If she, when it comes to nachos,

I will take more of an interest. Yeah. Cause it's, you know, my wheelhouse. So Laura says, we're having a few people over. Es has got some friends coming over and they're, I'm going to make them some sandwiches. So I'm going to make them ham sandwiches, beef sandwiches, turkey sandwiches, and some bacon butties.

And can you just get me the ham, the beef, the turkey and the bacon? You have to write the bread on there. I will just do, I'm like a fucking robot. I will just respond to the, she sometimes gives me a list of stuff and I have to go, I don't know what that is. You've got to take a picture.

Oh yeah. Like a heavily dyslexic person. I'm like, I will not be able to read that. Do you do this as a stress call from the shop? Yeah, but we get low bars in our co-op. I'll do the stress call. I'll be like, they haven't got what you want. What do you want instead?

And I'll FaceTime the shelf. Cause I'm like, I'm not making a decision for you. But you can't get hold of it in this situation. So you just get them. I get them because I'm an idiot if I don't get them. Surely. Yeah. Cause if you come back and she's like, you didn't get the actual fucking nachos. You didn't get the actual chips.

You didn't tell me. I go back out and get them. But like, yeah, I go. That's what I'd say as well. And you get more than you think you need as well. Always with nachos. I'm hungry. Are you?

Yeah, I've got a real, I heard something you said before and I didn't like it. I felt like it was a prelude to something. I think you've been getting away with it for too long. I think it's time we brought Dan versus food back. The way we looked the last time, you threw his arse hole out of his mouth. Someone's gonna whip it out.

Yeah. Well, should we have a little break and then we'll come back with some Dan versus food? Not the hungry I was talking about. Welcome to Dan versus Food. Dan is a 47 year old man with food phobias, which means he's scared of dinner. There's certain foods he doesn't like. He puts them in his mouth and he's like, and it's not just mad stuff. This isn't bush, sucker trial stuff. This is normal stuff. Like he hadn't had gravy until we started this podcast. The man's from Lancashire. It's mad. He'd never had fish and chips. There's all sorts. He's never had

one. Well, and today what have we got for them, Harry? We have got him a workman's lunch. Whoa. A Ginsters. Essentially Ginsters, but it's not Ginsters. We've got him a Cornish pasty and a pork pie. Right. You love the additives. And then if you're lucky, you can have a nice surprise when you finished your meal. If you have a good try of both of these, we've got you an extra special one. Is it a tiramisu? It's something good, but you have to try them to earn it. I've got... I'll tell you, so the Cornish pasty, that looks nice. I like pastry. Yeah. And I just know there's stuff in there. Yeah, it's nice. All the good stuff. And I like a pie, but it's got usually got apple or cherry in it. Or, you know, what?

I like those pies. American. Go on. No, no, good pastry. Why in the studio? Josh can have it in a bit. Have what? Right, I got it. No, put that fucking down. No, it's too much. Adam likes it.

Silly amounts. You need to make sure you're getting some of the filling. What's in it? It's just deathless pastry. What's in it? What's in it? We'll tell you once you've had it. It's nothing dangerous.

What bag comes from Cornwall's? Cow goods. It's cow guts and spuds and onions. Not a bag can come from Cornwall. Come on. Fucking idiot. There you go. Stop it. No. I don't believe that one. It's just a pasty. Oh, he's a... Oh, he likes it. Hey, look at him. He fucking loves it. No, wait, wait. Describe it. What was the first noise? Was that voluntary? That was scared, wasn't it? He was scared. Is that voluntary or is that like- That's like a reflex that I've learned since Cub Camp. Why, what happened at Cub Camp? Who puts them in your mouth? Dragon. That's quite nice, that.

Corn spasties are heavy, mate. That's quite nice. Would you eat that? No, probably not, but under duress, if ISIS ever take me hostage and they've only got, you know... Kinster's pasties. Kinster's pasties in the tuck shop. Ooh.

Do ISIS have a dinner hall? Are you just going to eat this like a big butty. I don't need a fork for this, just ah. Oh, that's a hell, oh. It's a dense boiler. Yeah. Right. Oh, I know what bit's gonna be your favorite of that.

The gelatin. Yeah. Why do you like making it worse? Why have you said that? You make it worse. This is one of my, this is going all right today. By the way, brown sauce with a pork pie. You wait for your dessert. You're going to love it. That's essentially a hot dog just in a different shape. Yeah. And he gagged at a hot dog. I

hate the hot dog. It's going to be a good bite. Just give me. Well done. Gel. Well done, Dan. Look at you. Ew. All that gelatin porky goodness in your gob. You make it so much worse. You don't need to. It's already bad. It's a fucking pork pie. Now, Dan, imagine you're on the construction site with the bwads in it's dinnertime. Oh, you know me. I'm always on the tools.

Little fucking brown sauce for that. Come on, you like a pork pie, surely? It's just meat and pastry. you like a pork pie surely? Just meat and pastry. You like both those things? I'm a pies man. Well, that's good. Do you know why that's good? Because you've got pie for dessert as well. Yes! Got you a little pie dessert.

Apple, cherry, like, mint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you could pick one of them, which one would you pick? Um, oh, carry on. Would it be fish? Because we have got you a fish pie. You've been a really good boy so far. You get your fish pie. You get your fish pie. Not only is that a fish pie, it's a microwave fish pie. Yeah. They're the best. Yeah. The best ones. Yeah. You can't beat that meat. How do you call it? Look at it. Cause he's as idiot as you. And once, once you, Hey, this isn't a pie. That's a pie.

It isn't? He's a pie, though. No, that pork pie was lovely. Like crocodile dundee. As you play pie-speaking. Here you go. Put that down now. What do you mean?

Close your eyes and open your mouth. Manny, by the way, can't breathe yet. Half a kilogram of fish is gone. Do you want to know exactly what's in it? You're more broken than him, by the way. So this is a fish pie meal for one from Tesco. Microwave, you microwave for three minutes. What's going on? It's not cyanide. It's got succulent pieces. You're making this worse. Harry stay there mate. It's your podcast tea. Take eye contact with it. Harry go and sit down. Stay here. Harry, stay there, mate.

It's your podcast. Take eye contact with it. Harry, go and sit down. What's your favorite fish, Dan? Oh, none of them. Well, this has got succulent pieces of pollock. Ooh. In a creamy cheddar sauce with buttery mash

and a crisp cheddar creas- Ch-cheddar creas. Oh, Lord, cheddar creas! Ooh! Cheddar what? Cheddar creas. Get that pollock in your gob. Yeah, you gotta get some of the fish. Big, shut up. It's just polych and mash. It's essentially fish flavor mash.

Yeah. It's just fishy mash. You're on the tools, it's lunch. Are you just having some Pollock and mash with the boys? I wanna go to drama school. I wanna get off the tools. It's just Pollock and mash. It's just fishy, creamy, cheesy potato.

Shut up. It's just cheesy fish. It's just cheesy Pollocks. I'll stop it. He's crying. He's gone for more though. No, he went, he had a bit of mash trying to take the edge off the Pollux. That's good, that.

Imagine that's like he went all your meals but finished it. Well that's what a zempik must feel like. So let's get some ratings Cornish pasty. Eight. Wow. Seven. Wow. Pollock pie. It wasn't as bad as my mind thought it was. You're crying though. That

was all preemptive. Three. I'm not trying pollock pie. That smells like everything I hated in childhood. Do you know what? It smells like getting bummed by your pee. I'm going to wash the Pollock pie down. Wow. Look at that for progress. Howdy, can you try some fish pie and grow up? And now we've got you a cross on with some salmon paste on. Bring it out. That was going so well today. That's not fun is it? Now you can work on the tools. Pass the test. Microwave fish for lunch.

Well done Dan. Oh thank you. It's break time. I'm going to go for a pasta. Hello everyone. Time to tell you about our sponsor, Huel. Tell you what, these Huel Black Editions are amazing, aren't they? You know, I'm lazy for food, I'm bad with that, left to my own devices.

It's just carbs in the air fryer, but not with Huel. No, fuel your body properly with Huel Black Edition. I've just noticed the air, and right now I'm getting my protein in, trying to get Jack for the wedding, and it's quite difficult. 35 grams in one bottle. 26 vitamins and minerals, it's low in sugar. Very healthy, isn't it? Yeah, to me it's good gear. If you want to get 35 grams in nice and quick, conveniently, this is the gear. Let's go with taste, Dan, because my favourite flavour of any-ton is

banana and if anyone does a banana, I'm into it and this is my favourite to taste. Well when it comes to Huell, it's the opposite of my sexual proclivities. I'm vanilla all the way when it comes to Huell. But I'm eating the rest of it. Also for the price, like when you go to the supermarket, I go off to the gym and I'm trying to get that protein in. The prices are a bit ridiculous for what you get. And the fact you get 35 grams for the price of this is genuinely boss.

So new customers go to huell.com slash have a word pod today and use our code have a word pod to get 10 pound off your first order plus a free gift. Get a lovely little free gift. Oh I thought it was this dog. You don't get this dog. It's a beautiful dog. It's worth much more than that. But if you're trying to get your protein in in a really convenient, cheap and tasty way,

I don't think there's a better one on the market than Huell right now. Huell, get on it. But if you're trying to get your protein in, in a really convenient, cheap and tasty way, I don't think there's a better one on the market than Huel right now. Huel, get on it. I'm drinking a soda water. Oh, well that's great. It hydrates you and fills you up because of the bubbles and stuff.

Yeah, I also had a bagel. Carbs. Carbs bagel. Carbs. Carbs, mate. Carbs before Florence. Yeah. It's no carbs before marbles, but it's have a bagel, you big gimp. You don't need to go into Tuscany.

That's what they say. Josh Jones is here! Hey! Hello! Long overdue return. I didn't know that was the start. I thought he was just talking about your bagel. I didn't know he was actually...

Press count. So what we do, mate, we just put the guest, you know... When you have to do seven podcasts in four days, Josh, you talk about your bagel, mate. Yeah. How you doing? I'm really good. I think you've got taller.

I don't. I think you've grown. Have I? Yeah. What are you eating? I'm eating. I've actually been cooking the most I've ever cooked. I've been gigging the least I've gigged recently.

So I'm just gardening and cooking. I'm having a lovely time. What's happened? Are you having your own private COVID? I've moved in with my boyfriend. He's got a real job. You're in love and it's boring. Yeah. But he's a doctor. So he's fucked up. Yeah. So he's back to doc. I know I'm very clever. What kind of doctor

and an easy assist. That's possible. He can't sleep. He just goes back. I know. Yeah, he does with his dick. No, but I am so, but cause he's a doctor, he makes me put veg and stuff in the food. So maybe that's why I'm a bit taller. I've started eating turn. So I've got quite into veg recently. Yeah. It could be that. But what are we talking? So do you know what I like to do? I've ever had Massaka, where it's the aubergine. Yeah. Yeah. I've been making that quite a lot. And then I just started chopping aubergine up and frying it and putting it in a sandwich. So you've been eating aubergines Josh? Yeah.

Yeah. It's really good. I recommend. Have you ever had an aubergine before you met Jeff? What's he called? Dr. James. Dr. James. Yeah. Dr. James. Is this first veg? I mean, it sounds like he's adopted a northerner and he's trying to get you back to some sort of. Well, no, I have, but like I used to put onion in cheese and onion pies. So there we go. I don't have a bit of onion in me grave. That counts. But now I'm having like, he's like, no, this part of your plate is for veg. This part is for me. Yeah. 21 third, isn't it? this part of your plate is for veg. This part. Yeah. 21 third is one third of your plate. Yeah. So and I'm having me five a day. It's two thirds. Is it meeting to veg famously? Those you cock and bollock. No means as well to be veg is like the meal

staple isn't it? Cause you have like fucking chicken, spuds, a bit of carrot. Is it? Oh, see I'm not classing spuds as a veg. Yeah, it's from the ground. And I used to count that as a veg and I was told by the doctor, no. It is a veg though.

I know, but I'm not classing that as the veg. It's just like the big nice bit in it. It's natural bread in it. Yeah, it's like, yeah. It's bread that comes out the floor spuds. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. I agree. It sounded special, but you're right. It sounded mental, but you're absolutely right. But if you deep fry it, then it's no longer veg really, is it? No. No. Do you feel better for all your veg? Yeah, I think so. I feel like I'm the healthiest I've been. I've been

doing weight lifting as well. You can tell it in the top of your arms. Because I used to want to try and be like skinny little twink and now I just want to like open jars and be like, oops! So like, I do feel really manly at the moment. I'm the most bloke-iest I've ever been. How long have you been pumping iron? A couple of months. Yeah, but I was do in rock climb indoor rock climbing bull. Before that it's funny. I love it. I would end your wrist and your fingers for a while. Oh, yeah. I would doing it for about a year. All right. You must be flying. So I was going, but I've

not done it for a bit. Um, cause I started the weights instead. Yeah. It's more fun. Yeah. I just want you to, I just don't know why I really wanted to just like move stuff. Do you know what I mean? I don't know how to play it. I was trying to be like, go over there. I can just pick, we went and got a lawnmower and I was like, don't want it.

And I carried it across home base. And I was like, I'm a bloke. I'm a piece of bloke. If it ever kicked off with you and Dr. James, do you have that in a gay relationship where just to let you know I'm the cock of this relationship? He knows he's met my family. He's from quite nice. If it goes to the ground, I'll get nasty.

I'll have him. I remember I thought I heard someone breaking in. It was just one of the cats, but he said he never had seen me move so fast. I was up there like, fuck you, come on. The ultimate gay couple, like a proper rough lad. And what sounds like a really posh boyfriend and just a couple of cats. But I've never been the rough one before. I've always thought of myself as like a delicate flower really. Didn't you like Scally lads? Yeah, I did always thought of myself as like a delicate flower really. Didn't you like Scally Lad? Yeah I did but I'm changing now.

Yeah not a lot of them have medical degrees. No, but when you're in your 30s you're like oh you just want a nice bloke with a kind face. He's got that sort of... That's what I'm after. That sort of like Buble sort of, now I fancy Michael Buble more than he ever have, because he just looks like a nice bloke. Safe, yeah. He's reliable.

Yeah, and he does his taxes and all that sort of thing. Whereas in your 20s, were you more of like a Zach Dingle kind of man? Was Zach Ding, which one was Zach? I was actually out all the time. Yeah, I was the granddad, actually, to be honest. Yeah, actually. No, yeah. I just kind of liked someone who frightened me a little bit, but I wasn't really looking for a relationship then though.

I was looking for like just some quick and easy jumping, but now this is stable and nice. And yeah, you don't want to get cats with a scally that scares you. No, well, to be honest, he already had the cats and I'm raising another man's cat. Everyone has baggage, but I took him on anyway. And so he had the cats, but I think I'm their favorite now. That can happen. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you're opening all the fucking food. He's opening tins with his hands. Where did you meet him? Uh, tinder tinder. Yeah. There's doctors on tinder. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. July. Most of people you hang about with the comedians, most of his mates are doctors.

So when I'm hanging about with him, I'm like, wow, I'm definitely the dumbest one here. Are they animals? Are they all like crazy? Like? No, they're all really nice. Oh, I always thought doctors were like, you know, nice in the weekend and wild on the weekends. Is that right? What are you? What? You thought doctors were just going out and getting shitfaced and doing cat? Just like teachers, PE teachers. You've got in your head, everyone's doing nine pills a weekend. If you've lived a stressful life in the week, you're like, God, I've got in your head, everyone's doing nine pills a week.

If you've lived a stressful life in the week, you're like, God, I've had to put six people asleep today. It's hard. I want to go out and have a bit of a wild one. I thought doctors all got six people to sleep. Is this Harold Shipman you're talking about? Oh yeah, Harold Shipman, he was always on the pills at the weekend. Is it an atheist that just jobs more people to sleep? Yeah, but they've got to wake up. Otherwise he's not allowed back on Monday. They've had to put them to sleep hard and wake them up again. I thought that was a given.

But when you say six people to sleep this week, it does sound like euthanasia, doesn't it? Yeah, it does. Yeah. I thought you meant, I thought you meant. Cause it sounds like I was like weighing on them. I had six people to sleep. Dr. James is lovely, but he does keep kill people on a Friday. He just wants an early finish. Um, well, that's really good, man. It's really good. Yeah. It's nice. And I like it. You were saying to me before you had a bit of a, a breakdown and a break from

comedy cause you waited for the bit. Yeah. I just was working too much. We're getting like six, seven nights a week and never at home about two years ago. And then I were in, um in the Isle of Wye and on the Isle of Wye, I can't mix up, I can't remember if it was there. You got it mixed up with Manor, Manor. Manor's up north, Whitestone's south. Isle of Wye and we're in like a travel lodge in a bathtub just like, this is depressing. I want

to go home. I've not seen anyone I love in about four months. So then I took a bit of time off gigging. Now we enjoy it again. Have you flipped over to, cause I think you can go so far that you don't gig enough and then you sort of miss it. What's your, where's the balance? This year was the first time I went like six weeks without gigging and I was like, Oh, I miss it. And I'm becoming insufferable to all my friends and family. Get on stage and fuck off doing a lot of observational comedy. But now I was like, Oh, I miss it now. So then I'm doing it again, but I'm trying to just do it at me own like four nights a week and make sure we have three nights a week at home. That's still quite a lot for most people, especially because you've been doing loads of telly as well.

Yeah. Like you prop, like reality TV and comedy TV, like all of it. You're a darling. Of telly, yeah. Well, you did one of the bigger ones, and you did the dancing one. Yeah, I don't think I'd do reality again.

That's not for me. No. But you don't know if reality, you don't know if something's for you before you do it. So you did dance in the ice. You could do like a Kardashian, keeping up with the Joneses. And it's you, you're felling some cats. I just wanna do comedy telly now and master chef.

That's it. And maybe bake off the cooking ones. I'll do the cooking ones. Are you a chef's man? I think I am. I think I'm all right. The only thing is you don't really get anything out on time, but like everything's so-

Yeah, but that's what they want on Saturday. So it will go cold while I'm waiting, bang it in the mouth. If we did a come down with me, a come down with me special. I will win. You'll win. Okay, no, who am I going against?

Us, all of us. Oh, just, all right, so we all have a- You know, come down with me. We have a day each, or do we bring in a meal each. Yeah. So what would you, what would you do? What's first course? Oh, I don't know. I did well. You don't like eating a lot of stuff. I honestly don't think you can like cater it to me. No one else does. You just black out. I could make the best chicken nugget. Oh, that sounds fucking classic. I'd

made me own Kievs and did me own bread in the Kievs. Sorry, getting too complicated. Kievs are fucked. I've had about 10, but they're unbelievable. Have you had chicken Kievs? No, it's just, it's a sneaky chicken, innit? No, it's not like a pedophile chicken. I think that's a bit of anti-Ukrainian racism you've got there. The best is sneaky chicken. Sneaky chicken, they deserve it. Well, I honestly, what are they doing? Are they injecting garlic butter into it? It's garlic butter and chicken.

How's it getting in there? What do you mean, how's it getting in there? Is it naturally occurring garlic butter? How do you think chicken gets into breadcrumbs? I can tell I've done it. Go on. You have a professional, I've done it once. But I made the garlic butter stuff and then freeze it. And then you chop it up and then you, I just like fingered it in.

Like forcefully fingered it in. Thank God you're gay because if that's how you were fingering women that would be a problem. You still have to finger boys. You still have to finger boys. You still have to finger boys? Yeah you have to think, can't just put a willy in a bumhole, god that would be very painful. Hang on, you have to finger before the willy? Yeah get him ready to loosen it up. I did not know that. It's four days, it's a real commitment to it. Yeah a little bit of, commitment to it. Yeah, a little bit of some people can take it straight away, but we call them slags.

No, I like the way I bet Harry how long we were talking about bombing on today's episode and we both went under it was 11 and a half minutes. Well, that is progress for you on this podcast. Because whenever you're on, we're like, right, let's get to the bumming. I'm getting ready to do my new show. So this is going to be my fourth hour show, my fourth tour thing. And I was like, I can't do another bumming bit, because I've got a bumming joke in every single one. And I fought one the other day and it is pretty sick actually. This is my last bumming joke. We went to see Shane Gillis, he did another other day and it is pretty sick actually. This is my last bumming

joke and we went to see Shane Gillis he did another trumpet and it was gold. If the people won it. It is and it's a different angle actually. But yeah I'm trying to be a bit less rude in general. Why though? It's fun, I still have a bit of rude. I love your rude bum and stuff. Makes me laugh. No, I've still got some rude stuff, but I mean, some of the shit I've said, I'm like, fucking hell, keep some to yourself.

That is not the MO of this podcast. Not at all. But I am, no, I'm not trying to like be like, you know, family friendly, but I'm just trying to, you know, sometimes I say stuff I could see people on stage go, fuck, I'm so sorry, you sat with your family. It's awful. Is that because you've done more telly?

That's because you've done more telly and you've ground you down. I don't know, because I don't know if I'm that fussed about, I want to do a bit more telly, some comedy stuff, but I'm not know if I'm that fussed about. I want to do a bit more telly, some comedy stuff, but I'm not bothered about being on telly as much. You're not trying to be Mr. Sunday Brunchire. I feel like that was the thing, like,

try and get on Dancing on Ice and try and become next to, you know, on ITV. And I've realized now that ain't for me. I'm too fucking rude. Yeah, and you're good at it. What happened with Dancing on Ice? You had to pull rude. Yeah. And you're good at it. What's, what happened with dancing on ice? You had to, you had to pull out. Yeah. Yeah.

Where did you get to in the series? I did my first dance. So that's good. Cause then when you get injured and you've done your first dance, you've done everything then so you can still get paid. I love that. I love that.

I love that. But it was nice. I've like, you know, I'm not, I don't want to like slag off the show because there's loads of people on it who are dead lovely, but I just didn't know what reality TV would be like. And it's just not for me. But you don't know if some it's for you till you try it. You know, whether that's like reality TV or women or whatever. So like, what was your injury? I twisted my ankle. I just got about three times a day. Yeah but then you don't have to go and ice skate it was a quite

a bad twist actually it was quite a bad twist and so yeah I couldn't carry on but isn't that quite there must be loads of like health and safety with dancing on ice because you've got razor blades on your shoes haven't you? Yeah and I'd never skated before. The last time I went ice skating I broke my elbow. Yeah. Yeah I just don't think I'm right for that show. I wasn't. Luckily I don't think they're asking any time soon either. It's been cancelled he's on the last ever series. Whoa! You shut it down. You brought it down. They always make a comeback don't they? No this was a comeback it was't they? No, this was a comeback. It was off for a bit a few years ago.

So also it's done. Done. Well, big brothers now on ITV after being on channel four, channel five, and now it's like the people just buy it and keep going. Won't they? Eventually. Reality tell is like easy to make, but this one's more expensive. They have to make an ice rink.

So they don't just hire an ice rink. No they do it in a telly studio and then put the ice down. What? Send people to co-op, yeah? To just get bags of cubed ice. Yeah, because otherwise they'd be doing it at a local ice rink in Blackburn or something, wouldn't they? An Olympic one, they could rent out and turn to a TV studio. Yeah, but what about the Olympic ice skating team?

There's been a few lots. Doctors and ice rinks the fuck are everywhere. So never again. Will you ice skate again? Probably not. I said I'll take me boyfriend at Christmas. Wasn't really for me. No it's hard. I feel like I don't

want to slag it off but it's just not my vibe. I don't think you're slagging off. You were allowed to go that I didn't love it.ag it off, but it's just not my vibe. I don't think you're slagging it off. You were allowed to go that I didn't love it. Didn't really enjoy it. Also, sprayed ankle, that could have been worse. Someone got really badly hurt on that, didn't they? Well, I was shot. Yeah, I was shot.

I could have got shot. Which is always a risk with ice skaters. Because the Olympic team are fuming that you're taking up their practice space. But yeah, it was fine. It just was, I want to just, I want to just do comedy now. And they also one day want to write a play. That was my old dream. So master chef, bake off, stand up and play a play about any idea what the play would be. Not really. Not yet. That's just a dream. Yeah. No idea. Do you enjoy the theater? Do you go? Yeah, do you like the fear? I was saying to you before I

Went and watched Joseph and the technical a dream coat, right? And I bought a program and I was flicking free with YouTube were in the Joseph program Because we were the extras in Joseph and the time the odd. Yeah, forget What because she was at the Opera House? Yes, the your picture was next to Mary Poppins. I was good. I was going to bring in the, um, the program, but I had to bin it cause it was a mouse on it. One of the cats brought a mouse in and I caught it in a lunchbox like a ninja and slid the finger under. So then I had to bin it. Well, you will do it. Boring story.

Do you know why they bring mice in? Ped in? Do you know why cats bring mice in? Yeah, to go like, yeah, I killed that fucker. It's a present, it's like, here's a present. No, it's not, it's because they think you're a cat and a shit cat and they never see you eat. They're like, listen lad, that box you was going on,

it's food, it's like, you need to eat. Oh, I thought it was a present. No, it's, they feel sorry for you. Well, it is in a way. Yeah, I suppose it's a food. No, it's we've they feel sorry They're away. Yes, well, it's a food, but this one was this so we've got two cats One of them's got real good cat instincts like she's she brings in go key dead animals all the time Like she's proper hunter the other one if she was a human she would have extra time in her exams at school like she's And I can say that I'm dyslexic, but I, so it was the one who brought, it was the bit slower one who brought in and she

never brings them in dead. They're not even, I don't even know how she brought it in. It's like she talked. It's not injured at all. Come and meet me. So they want you to kill it, to be a hunter. They're like, look, it made it easier for you. And you're like, no, you throw it out. And they're like, how do you know all this about cats? I've got a cat. So is he and he doesn't know. We moved into our house, me and Serec and move in and Toulouse moved houses. He brought loads of mice in. We were like, what's going on here to the vet? And they were like, yeah, they think that you're struggling to eat and they're bringing

you mice in. How to bring dominoes? I just don't believe it. When vets tell me stuff about animals, I'm like, they can't talk mate. There's no way you know this. Like you'd have to talk, you'd have to be able to talk to the cat to know that for sure, wouldn't you? Well, for sure.

But you can study behavior, can't they? And become experts in that. Yeah, but all they've studied, so they've studied that this cat has brought Carl a mouse. That's all... That's all they know. I mean, I do... I... In fact, I massively agree with you. I'm just regurgitating what I was told. It's bollocks, innit? They're like, oh, they're doing that because do you think you're a shit cat?

No. Unless you're a little pussy with a bro. They're trying to start a five-a-side team. There isn't any cats in it. But to be fair, my cat is a shit cat. We've got a cat flap and I like I after open the back door for a cat use it after time. She is quite thick. Um, the other one could get through it, but she'll get through it when she needs to. If you open the back door, she's learned that she waits. If she needs a shade. She's a cleverest one in the house. Yeah. Oh, and then I realized

I'm the slow one. Oh, I thought she was the idiot. Turns out I'm not using that. She's looking at you. Open the door. What an idiot. I didn't think about that. Come on in. But she doesn't really leave the garden. She's just lazy and smart. Really? It's not the cats were allowed to do that though, aren't they? We had a cat when I was a kid, it just slept all day. Apparently at night they're doing fucking go ape and stuff. But yeah. There's a cap in the garage by ours on Ollard Road. Not by ours, but you know, off six and a half miles away. There's a cat that goes in there to get fed like three times a day. Like it walks near the car food and the people there feed it. And it's got

a house. So I love the fact that the people who own that cat don't know the cat goes to the garage for some scram whenever it wants. Black and white cats always there. They're just the creatures of habit. Literally Auntie said they go, Oh, I went there the other night when it was this dark and someone gave me a hot dog. So I wonder if I go back tonight and they go back and they get a cheeseburger. And then they go back to the little cat then, because cats are like social animals with each other, aren't they? So they fuck off from your house and they all go to the park and get on the fucking side there. And they're chatting around and then he talks to us, waiting, goes, hey, you know that big building over there that stinks of petrol? Yeah. That

garf, if you go there when it's dark, they give you like butties and that's why like more cats end up going to the thing. And that's why you always see loads of cats at petrol stations. I can't fucking fill my car up, there's cats everywhere. But if you did own a petrol station and you gave one cat a bit of food a few times, it will go and tell its catmates. Yeah, that's why you should never feed like anything in your garden really, because they'll go ate Sc it to catmates. Yeah, that's why you should never feed like anything in your garden really, cause they'll go eight strands. Yeah, we had to start hiding the cat food at night

because I'd get him woke up at like four in the morning. This little scrounger cat came in and he could hear him like, but it made the weirdest noise. Oh, not your cat? No, came in. He's sure it wasn't a manx, my head, cause he's asking for money. No, but he came in and I was getting a bit paranoid that like, obviously I don't have daughters,

but I felt like one of those blokes like not my princess. The girls and I went, but they've been done because they're going to have careers. But I was like, I was like getting really agitated that this boy cat was trying to fuck the girl cats. And I did feel like a proper bloat. Leave him alone. He was trying to fuck the girl cats. You're just fucking with nature. You're fucking with the circle of life here, Josh. Yeah. But then my children, my daughters, would you let them bang any cat or just not the little home. No, they're not being raised to shag. They're being shagged or when they leave. No, they're not. You might as well let them shag under your roof rather than

in the park. Yeah, apparently they're down the park drinking cider. Get your finger. To be fair as well, I feel like they're bigger than all the local cats. We've got big girls, big boned girls these two. And I feel like all the other cats are quite scrounger and near. But so I feel like maybe yours who cuts are lazy in bed. So they're just not burning any calories. They're just laying there getting fucked and only the ones that are burning loads of cardio, passenger princess or pillow princesses. Yeah, they might be. I just don't think of them like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable. The sex life of your cat. No, they're innocent little cats. Leave them alone. They're not fucking my cats. I know they're not. You're rich in life, dad. Like my daughters wouldn't do that. No, they wouldn't do it. I know they wouldn't. She's 26. Are you back up north? Are you still down south? Have we got you back?

He's posh Manchester now though, isn't he? Didsbury darling? I'm in sale. Oh, lovely. I like it. Let's see it as the rough end of Old Tringham. My mum was like, fucking hell, it's nice round here. I was like, well, it's funny because I went,

took my mum for a walk round. She was like, oh, I could live round here. I fucking love it round here. And then we went to the pub and got free drinks. And it was 20 quid. She went, 20 quid for free drinks? I won't fucking live around here so you change your mind really quickly but yeah i like it it's nice there's

loads of trees and stuff and there's a big what do you know say a water park yeah yeah i like it's like a big place to go walking and i like around the back of chalton it's not very happy around there yeah water park or walk yeah but there's no slides It's not very accurate. Yeah, you can go around there. Is it a water park or water park? Yeah, but there's no slides. It's not like a water park. It's just a lot of ponds. It's like, yeah. Like a park?

Yeah, but with water in it. It's mainly pond and you can walk around in it. If I went to you, I'd go to the water park later. Oh, you would be fuming. It's not, it's not a water park. No, there's no like slip and slidey things. It's weird that they call it one really.

But I think loads of parks have ponds in like there's a park about six miles from where we live. I think this was there before what water water parks were invented. Oh, that was the first ever water park. Yeah. I'm gonna go with you. And I've read that somewhere. Don't ask where no water parks date back to like ancient Egypt, don't they? The first one was in Egypt.

It's actually, that's gotta be true. I mean, water was there and you need to have fun, they're not stupid. That's what the pyramids originally were, they were just steps up to the big slide. No. A global warming for you. It used to be lovely swimming pools

around the bottom of the pyramids. Oh mate, you wanna go on the fucking Sphinx, let's go. But I can't go to my water park now. It's been ruined for me because I didn't know. Me and my boyfriend would go for a lovely little walk around there in the evening. And then I found out. It's a dog inside.

A gay dog inside. Loads of gays go and get bummed there. So now I'm scared that I'm walking around with my boyfriend and I'm like, oh, they've just been bummed. I'm like, no, I'm just trying to, you know, have a lovely evening. You might have just been bummed as well, though. I know, but I'm not in the park.

No, no, but like, in your house. Yeah, maybe my 30s now need candlelight. Would that not interest you yet if you were a single man? Would you not go? No. Get your dog on? No, would you not? Dogging is where you just like,

have sex and everyone watches in the car, isn't it? No, this is just people, I don't know if you call it dogging. A cottage in the- What's it called when you just start shagging it? Cruising, yeah. Just shagging in? Cruising. Yeah. Just shagging in the park,

and walking around. Cause there's no parking at the water park, so you can't officially dog. A friend of mine, she lives in London. She's a large part of her friendship circle, like single gay men. And she's like, they're so liberal with their sex lives. Like she'll get a text off one of her

mates and he'd be like, oh, I'm on my way to see you and I've just left mine. And then like half an hour later, she'll be like, it's a 15 minute walk away, and he's like, oh, I just met some friend in the park and fucked him. I'm nearly there now. But they'll be walking through the park and be like, you're gonna go and have some sex.

And they're like, yeah, cool. And they go and bum and then they- Is that real? That's yeah, but that's never been me. I need to make sure everything's fresh and clean and ready and... You're a prep man aren't you? Yeah I like everything but like you saw I went and brushed my teeth before I did this. You did brush your teeth before this?

So I'd like... Oh that won't be me if I was single. I brushed my teeth before a gig and stuff so I'd definitely you know give everything a why. If you were single and you was walking through the park and some woman was I've definitely, you know, give everything away. If you were single and you was walking through the park and some woman was just like, Hey, do you want to come and fuck me in the ass? You'd be like, yeah, go ahead.

Yeah. Oh yeah. Am I single in this? Is that what I'm doing? Oh yeah. Laura, what am I meant to do? I have to bum her. She asked me. I don't want to ruin it.

Walk around the park. Say that again. I don't know if you would. What do you mean? If you were just walking around the park as a single man, at some point, do you wanna come, you'd be like, yeah, let's go. You'd be like, yeah.

If it was an attractive girl that I was attracted to, yeah? Are you joking? No. What do you mean? Do you not think what's going on here? I might get something. Well, a lot of people do it because they like the thrill

of being outside. They have houses. Yeah. But they like not using them. But yeah, absolutely. I'd put a condom on so I don't get to clap or whatever. Oh, that's taking the fun away, isn't it? Yeah, it is actually. Nah, I wouldn't do it. Can I roll, doggy? Nice one, see you in the bush. I have something I wanted to tell you, Dan. I thought you'd be very impressed. Yesterday, for the first time ever, I used a power washer.

Well done, kid. I've never used one before. The honest transformation in you since I last saw you. Yeah. So settled down and now you've got a car chair. It is a cat. You're fucking right. It's a car chair. Just two point something. Oh, it's not a liter engine. Is it? No, it had a number on it. I don't know. It's one with a gun. I've only used it once. This isn't a super so it's all got guns. Is it the K2? Uh, I don't know.

Is it even a two on it? Is that one? I don't know. Is it, if it had two on it, is that a one? I don't know. It's yellow. Are they all yellow? They're all yellow. All right. Okay. Apart from the industrial ones, which are grey. Oh my God.

It's yellow and I used it to do the flags in the garden. It's fun, isn't it? Yeah, it was fun. Also, I think it's, there's something quite, What do they call it when it's like your dick? It's like follow follow it well you can feel the power of the card thing Was like went across me like and I could feel it vibrate if I'm gonna blow me balls off You think in front of it was just with it like really ever or k7 Lose a few layers of skin

Well mine is mine said two points something so is mine a two? Yeah probably a K2. And is that a weaker one? I mean you know it's... I wouldn't want much more power than that. Oh you say that. I don't think I could handle it. I was just talking, I was like the handguns. Until you get the raw power of a K7. But yeah I was doing it yesterday and I thought I'm going to see dad tomorrow, I can tell about this. Did you got a K7? Yeah, I've got a K4 as well. I've got two. Have you?

Is that like a... For different jobs? Well, mine was a second hand one. My mum gave it me because I've been doing the garden up all week. I de-weeded the full garden myself. I felt, I've been showing everyone photos like it's a newborn. I've loved it. Did you feel did you did Dr James see you with it and go, yeah, I do. You know what this full week I've been doing quite

a bit of manly jobs and he's been get I've been getting quite a few of you know, is your life. Yeah, that's the I've been getting a few like, oh, And I'm like, yes. I do feel really blokey. That happen with Laura when you do the pavement? Yeah, I have to clean up the mess. But I have become quite blokey though. Like it's my job to do, put stuff in and out the loft. Oh, that is a very nice job. So I go in. How often are you getting stuff in and out the loft?

Do you know what? I don't know if my flat's got a loft. I'm finding excuses to go up there. I'm putting stuff up there that doesn't need to be up there. I was doing a podcast the other day and I went oh I forgot me lie and then I went who's in the loft like I put his stuff in there that don't need to be in there But I like it's the only place I've got any sort of say What you frying pan up there was the fire man Josh don't worry. I'll get it You are so the man in this relationship. It's the only place when I've got any say.

It's my life, but camper. He's in control of everything. Not in like a bad way. If not, we would, you know, drown. He's like got everything organized, but I've organized the last. In the water park, he booked the cruise. I'd have just walked out to sea and open the door.

I can't really, I'm not very good at organizing life stuff. Same. So he does all that and then I do the loft. Oh, I get the lofting. You know, I spend so much time in my, so much time, so much time. So much time, many good times. So many time.

What? Just flip them, just use one of each. Time so good in Sky House. So many times. So flip them. Just use one of each. Time so good in Sky House. So many of them. So tired. So much time. I spend so much time in my grandad's loft. That was like his little special place for us to go and do stuff.

Oh dear. Everything all right? No. No one can hear anything. I'm just taking Adam to a secret cubby hole. No, my grandad had a class at the loft. He was an electrician. He was a spark, wasn grandad had a closet loft. He was an electrician. He was a spark, wasn't he?

Was his loft... You have guns as well. Was his loft like a loft where you hide stuff, or was it... A workshop. A bit of a workshop. So we had... So we had like flooring and it had all been insulated

and everything. So there was bits of floor, but then other bits were just like that fluffy stuff. That's right. Take your kid up there. Yeah, don't worry about this, this is an actual floor, don't step on that, you'll be in the fucking bedroom. Yeah, he used to say don't stand on that stuff because you'll kill your nan. Yeah, you'll end up in the room below.

Yeah. Well I didn't believe it though, I did want to go and walk on it. I'd walk on it now, test it. That's how his hand died. I've got that, I've got half Laura, fluffy stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Get it boarded, kid.

I'm thinking that, well, I was saying about maybe one day getting it done, but then I was like, but I'll lose me special place. So I don't think I will. Why would you lose your special place? It would just make it more. Yeah, but then if it's a room, then other people will go with it.

I like that I've got a job. I mean, don't worry. I'm in the loft. You nailed on for a garden office. You one day I can see it coming. This is all making so much sense. We were pressure washing. Oh, I've got a little safe space in the loft.

I was at the back of the garden. I was at Ben's the other day looking at sheds. Not going to lie. That is true. I do. I want a shed. We were talking just before we started about, we're going to see Oasis in the summer and Josh says he feels a bit like unmanked because he's not as big of a fan of them as he'd like to be, but he's a huge fan of ABBA. And then you said you had something you want to tell me about ABBA. Cause I said, I went to ABBA voyage.

Yeah. And then I said, I went and saw and i've been in seen an abba Well, I went i've just got back off holiday about two weeks ago while I were there I saw a tribute band, but it was mexican. So it is a mexican abba tribute band It was amazing. Where were you in mexico? Good. Good. Good. Yeah. Yeah, I thought you were in like greece and then He's a good old adiba. Yeah, that was really good. Oh, sorry, man. But they there was what's it called? The I felt quite bad for the singers because the hotel what they called like the hotel dancers or whatever. Oh, so dancers. Yeah. The red coat people, they, um, well, the night before they did a show, a Greek show, but they just lip synced to Greece and it was really bad. The guy played Danny Zuko was genuinely about 63 and he was like genuinely giving it all his best. He could tell he like,

he was a boss. And he was 63 as well. No, she was like 20 odd. Well, it were a bit, but you could tell he's been there for ages. And then the next day it was ABBA tribute, but it was a proper live band and I thought well, at least we'll get to see some actual people singing. But then all the old dancers came out in front of them for the whole show and just did real emote in and proper try to emote and just ruin the whole thing. But it was funny. Was the band members Mexican or were they doing it Mexican style? No, they were just dressed up as ABBA,

but they were Mexican. Did they sound Mexican? No, actually the girls seemed all right. The wigs were just crazy because they were like all in blonde wigs. I was like, this is funny. But like, yeah. I'd like to see Mexican cover.

It was really good. They had a tribute band every day. They had Michael Jackson. They had a load of different Mexican Michael Jackson. Yeah. It was Michael. Yeah. We need to do that. Three. it. And others. And do Billy G. Billy G. I genuinely I'd be so into it. It was a really good night out. Why Mexico? What did you say? Oh, balls are spilt some. It's alright. What did you say?

Why Mexico? Seems, seems fresh here. Oh, you've got a doctor, haven't you? Well, I've been Mexico before with my brother and I thought this was fun, but it's a bit romantic for your brother. So I went back again with my boyfriend. They were really good. I liked it. What, what should we put Mexico?

No, not at all. Just never been. I think it's a, I like the idea of it. A lot of Americans being annoying. Yeah, well we- Because it's their Spain, isn't it? Their Spain, yeah. We didn't know we went during spring break. Oh, like spring break. And we were like, excuse me. Yeah. Top of my list to go. It was my favorite. I'll call me favorite

food. Playa del Carmen's where we went. It was like good. We've got a boat in Mexico is about an hour under Cancun. But I went swimming with stingrays. That were quite fun. Didn't work out for Steve here when that made well, he brought that up the Steve Irwin. Yeah, no, yeah, he with that. No, but he brought it up. The stingray professor guy. What they call black. I don't know like the stingray man. Well, his job is swimming with stingrays and teach you about a stingray guy. They must hate Steve Irwin. He was bad. He said Stingrays. Because the Stingrays, it was in a big park and there wasn't like loads of people bothered about the Stingrays. And he went, Oh, they've got a bit of a bad

rep because of Steve Irwin. And we was like in the water with him. And he said that apparently it like punctured his eye. But I didn't know that. So then they offered us life jackets and I said no, but then as soon as he said that, I went, can I have me life jacket please? Cause I thought that'd be a bit of armor, but it was really good. And they would talk me loads about stingrays. The, um, they said, well, actually I embarrassed myself a bit because there was a bit where he pulled it up and he went like they've got two penises and like at the side he went do you know any other animals with two penises and I

thought I were dead funny and quick and I went oh no but I know a lesbian with a one laugh. I did an actual car. I'm dying on the ass. Two decks. Yeah. It's got two days. There was the other animals with two decks. I don't know. I kind of, I kind of was like, all right, kind kind of ruined the experience a little bit, but it was fun. Have you just Googled animals with two dicks, Finn? Snakes and lizards. Snakes haven't got two dicks, haven't got any? No, apparently they do.

Apparently they've got two paired, I don't even know what that means, intermittent compulsory organs called hemipenes. Hemipenes. Hemipenes. Suck my hemipenes. Well you don't just laugh but you learn with Have A Word this week. I've spilt that all over me. Let's have ourselves a little break and we'll be back. Honour to have you back and great to see you so happy Joshua. Thank you. Very nice. What's happening lids? Time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor. It's lovehoney.co.uk and right now they've got up to 70% off almost everything. Vibrators, lingerie, couples, toys and with the promo code AFF-WORD20 you get extra discounts

on top of the already discounted prices on all of this stuff where you can go and get stuff to help you have better sex we all love sex let's do it better with the red heart sale up to 70% off lubes and clits suckers and all sorts of fun and outfits and all that love honey dot code at UK don't just come, come more, come better. With lovehoney.co.uk. Up to 70% off. And with the promo code AFF-WORD20, additional discounts apply. Site-wide.

Goodbye. Now it's time to tell you about our absolute favourite sponsor, It's Manscaped. With the promo code WORD20, you get 20% off every third and free worldwide shipping, but specifically we're here to tell you about the beard and balls bundle this week. Now, grooming's not just about looking good, it's about feeling good as well.

And if you get that beard nice and trim, get it to the level you want and match your bollocks and your mums pubis and your penis chef to the same sort of level. You're going to be looking and feeling well groomed and you get 20% off with the promo code weird20 from manscape.com. Why would you spend more money? Use our code, get yourself a little package and if you're a lady or maybe you're a man who's in a relationship with a man you do you get your fella a prezzy. So prezzy as well yeah good prezzy stop buying rubbish presents this is the best kit on the market the beard hedge is amazing I use

it for my beard the lawnmower 5.0 Ultra is the best pub trimmer in the game there's all sorts of packages there but go and get the beer and balls combo meat. Word 20 for 20% off. Your order. Free shipping all over the gaff. How much? Free. Ah, that's a great price.

From Madagascar to Peru. Nicely done. Landscape.com. Get on it. I've been and got a coffee and I've put my sunglasses on while I've done both. Coffee because I feel like I'm going to fall asleep. Sunglasses in case I fall asleep. Nice. Josh, you're going on tour? Yes, in September.

All around the UK and Ireland? Yeah, UK and Ireland. Where are you doing in Ireland? I'm doing Dublin and Belfast. And if you're in Belfast, please bring someone because I'm not very happy with that right now. Belfast's a bit of a Liverpool in that way. Very parochial. You know, from there or like a huge arena name.

Yeah, they sort of couldn't give a fuck. Yeah. But then like the week before, sometimes people Google and they're like, we've got to fucking do something this week. Yeah. And then you get like quite ambivalent people coming to see your show. Yeah. That'll be fine. That sounds that's everyone. The famous ambivalence of Belfast. I like a challenge and Belfast will be that challenge. What's the tour called? It's called I haven't won the lottery so here's another tour show. Smart. Yeah.

And where can we get tickets? You can get tickets at joshjonescomedy.com but I've only just made my website so it's very low down on the Google. So you might actually have to put that in the search bar. Go and see Josh do stand up, he is a brilliant comic. Also, you were talking in the break, you Go and see Josh do stand up. He is a brilliant comic. Also, um, you were talking in the break, you're into wrestling. Yeah. I didn't have you as a, I don't know.

I'm surprised. Yeah. I've been into it since I was a kid. Me and my brother used to like wrestle all the time. I used to jump off the banister and do a Kuranas. That's a, that's a difficult move. Yeah. But I were only like five and he were 10. So basically I used to just jump on him and he put your legs on his shoulders and then flip him. Yeah. Have you done any comics wrestling? No, I would do though.

Cause they're just saying I've been and watched it live a couple of times like we're thinking about doing. So we've, we've got something in the pipeline and I didn't expect to be asking Josh Jones to do it but oh my god if you want to get out I'll put one of you through a table I'll get put through a table. Harry's dying to be put through a table. What move would you want a spare of? He wants some kind of a choke slam. Harry is a horny little boy. He just did. Yeah, he doesn't care who does it to him or what gender they are or what they're

into. He just wants to be thrown around and fucked up a little bit by man, woman or anything in between. I'm going to make your dreams come true, Eric, and I'm going to put you through a table. Right, so potential bookings for this are Grado, Sean Walsh, and Josh Jones. I also want to get put through a table, but I want to, I would rather professional because the move I'm going to do is quite hard. I want to be suplex through a table. So I want that maybe off the top rope. It's a big dream, but I am. Who's going to be, if I'm animal, who's going to be my hawk? I want to be Legion of Doom.

He's one of the only acceptable bald men. And if we do wrestling, we're us. We're not being other people. You got to pick your own wrestler. Oh, I want to be. Oh, yeah. You have like a wrestling name, kind of like a drag name. Yeah. You need to be like the White Hammer or whatever you'd be called. Legion of Dan. Dan the Shine Nightingale. Dan the Shine Night. Yeah. You need to be like the white hammer or whatever you'd be called. Oh, Lee down the shine nightingale down the shine nightingale. I'm an old timey wrestler. Shine nightingale. He's just come from shiny shoes down the Florence nightingale. Oh, it's

really good. First few ideas. You've got it in you. Sometimes you don't need to reverse for the nightingale, it'll kill you. Well, I made, I made me own wrestler on the game and I called him Bob role. And I always thought that me name would be Bob role cause I'm beefy. So I'm beefy, I'm Bob role. But does it like, there's an MMA fighter called John Jones and he's known as John Bones Jones. You could be Josh Bones Jones. I'm pretty sold on Bovril. It's not Josh Bovril Jones.

It's just Bovril. Just Bovril. Yeah, but like wrestlers don't always just have it in the middle do they? Like wrestlers have. The Undertaker is not called like Barry the Undertaker. Keown. That was the Barry that came to your head. Mark Calloway of course.

I like the I like the 90s. They were like, we've got a character. You're a Mountie. Yeah, you're from the Middle East. You're a terrorist. I just been on Big Boss Man was a policeman. I'm on random wrestler generator. Go. I've done Dan Nightingale

and it's given me Kurt Fightmaster Brown. So that's your name. You are a tag cruiserweight from Alabama. You are a face known for your brutality and your finishing move is the karate bomb. Ooh. It's a karate bomb. You chop someone and then blow them up.

Can you put Josh Jones in? Yeah. If it comes out with Bovril, you've been filling the internet. I hope he says Bovril. Or anything to do with beef to be honest with you. Josh Jones. Is Brian Cottonmouth Dubois? Cottonmouth? Yeah. Cottonmouth? I don't like that. You're a tag cruiserweight from Nebraska. Oh everyone's a tag cruiserweight. I don't want to be a cruiserweight. You could be a cock in mouth. Josh, you could be cock in mouth. Cock in mouth. Yeah.

Bovril Cock in Mouth Jones. It's honestly better. Better than Bovril. the They've got quite a few UK wrestlers on now. When I were younger, mainly just William Regal, right? And he came out like the sort of King music and then dressed up in like regal stuff. And then it'd be like from Blackpool. That does not add up. I'm Lucas Whopper Hall, a super heavyweight from Italy. I'm not a fan of that. You're a heel. I'm a heel. Ah-Hall, a super heavyweight from Italy. What a fan of that.

You're a heel. I'm a heel? Ah! That's good. Do you want a heelers? Villain. A villain. A baby face is a good guy.

Is it? A baby face are an heel. Because John Cena's become a heel, hasn't he? Yeah. I'm saying this. He's the super baby face, turn heel. Has he gone to the dark side? Yeah.

Apparently the Down Syndrome community had been fucking shambles over it. Yeah. I don't know whether he said it on stage or whether it was talking backstage. No, all of his fans, because he was the one who, you know, like the sort of family-friendly sort of,

ooh, so all the kids loved him and stuff. And now because he's retiring, he's like, fuck that. I don't need to sell merch anymore. And then he's just become a dickhead and I love it. So who's the dancing drum community got instead? Bob role. What was it? John Jones becomes the ultimate make a wish. So your tour crowds are going to be insane. Loads of gay dudes in the Down syndrome community.

Bavril. Yep. So shall we do some X? Um, you're a relationship expert. I have one and it's more the only homophobic thought I have. When my boyfriend gets a tote bag out, I'm like, oh, put that away. I love a tote bag. I think they're dead gay.

Do you use tote bags? That's well gay. Put your tote bag away. That's bad rule speaking. It's embarrassing. You don't use tote bags. I do. No, but I like the idea of it. Like I do sometimes. You don't use tote bags. No, but I like the idea

of it. I can do sometimes you just don't say I'll do it around you in case you call me gay. Yeah. Yeah. He does it. He's a seat. He does it in the house. I just, yeah, I just find it a bit, but I'm trying to. So I've started using one when I go to Tesco cause it's, I don't want to have the ick off them. I know this sounds ridiculous but anyone who takes bags to the supermarket that sort of gives me the ick as well. Well I get in trouble for buying them a lot because he's like look at this and he opens a cupboard and I'm just like overflowed with bags.

That experiment has failed hasn't it? Because years ago bags were really thin and they were free, generally. There was a couple of shops that were like 5p, 10p, and the government were like, hey, people are, that's bad for the environment, people are using, so now, get rid of the free ones, they're all 30p and they're thicker and they're last year ages,

and now people just have thicker bags. That's all it's changed. But what the shops do is go, ah, well, you just keep buying them at 30p, now they've got to be 50 P. What do you think about that? People just keep buying the key. Well, no, I, if I say I'm going to ask her to go to leave, he's like, get a bug and he's like froze the bag. He makes me carry it. You can't put shopper in it before you've bought it. Looks like you're stealing. No people know bags with them. Yeah. Bring them back with you. I'd love them in the trolley've bought it. It looks like you're stealing. No, people bring their bags with them. Yeah, bring your bags with you.

And then like, they'll have them in the trolley and then at the end like, fuck it. Well, if you do the self scan, you just set your bags up in your trolley and you're loading the bag as it may. Oh yeah, I mean, you do that all the time. Do you use the self scan machine? You walk around.

Every time I walk past it, I'm intrigued by it, but I can never be arsed. I've never seen anyone using it that I would swap lives with. I don't want you swapping lives with Laura. That's never be asked. I've never seen anyone using it that I would swap lives with. I don't want you swapping lives with Laura. That's gonna be weird. It'd be weird if we then had more sex. How do they stop you robbing?

How do they stop you robbing? They don't, they know, they know. You see there was like a study or something. I was reading this article about this. There was a study or something. Tick tock. I was reading this article about this. There was a study or something. Tick tock.

About, like shops know that it costs them about like a hundred million or whatever it is a year in people thieving from the self checkout. But they figured out it saves them more than that on the staff they'd have to employ if they decked out everywhere. They want you to steal. So honestly, when Laura gets the three bags out, I'm going to find out. No, it's all right. We've like, is this so bad? If we see like

women carrying tote bags, I'm like, yeah, you can have what I see me boyfriend. I'm like, I'm not going to have sex with you tonight. I just don't find it sexy at all. You know, you know, hold on very long day and I just know what, no sex today. Is it more of an ad day? Because that punishment is hurting both of us. Is it more of a nick if you've got the same bags? Because I find I'd find I don't know if that's more of a nick. But like if you're going to Morrison's and you've got a Waitrose and Aldi and an Asda. They put Guinness in it for that one glass. I don't like it.

Yeah, it's pints in the wrong glass, that, innit? Oh, that is a... Are you allowed to just go, I'm not having that? If the glass needs to be specific to the drink, like it needs to have a widget at the bottom, you can, yeah. No, but if you go in a Boozer and they sell you a Guinness in a Foster's glass, are you allowed to be like, no, that's not. Well, you're allowed to say whatever you want. I want the beer, I want it again.

I've never seen that done. It does happen very occasionally. It's on the bar at that point to go, when I was a Guinness glasses. Yeah. I've never really ordered a Guinness. You're missing out. I've had one, I've tried it.

When I were in Kill Kenny, they like forced it on me really. But it, yeah. I love it. I cannot wait for one. I haven't had one for like, Does it make your poos black? Yeah. Yeah. My poos are already black though.

What, like pebbles, like proper black? Like, yeah. They sound black as well. As they hit the toilet, they go, oh, shit. Huh! Like pebbles. We've got some from the listeners. Stefan Johansen says,

Ick just saw a photo on a bloke's Tinder of him ref in a football game. Turn me off instantly. What? Who took the picture? I imagine someone's been taking the picture at football and he's gone. This is my life. I'm a level. If that's Michael Oliver on Tinder, you're like, yeah, fair. Does that not make it worse? The higher up you go? No, I think you're a bad professional

ref top to bottom forever. I walked past old Trafford yesterday and then someone like was getting loads, loads of people going, getting photos with this guy. So he must've been a footballer, but I didn't know who he was. That's my story. I don't know who any of the new ones are. If they're not like Gary Neville,

I've not catched up since then really, so I don't know. Is he the last footballer you learned? The last, like, so I remember like Gary Neville and David Beckham and then, Ronaldo. Yeah, I mean, is he still going? He'll go forever. He should never gonna stop. Yeah, he's the one who had to go drink no Pepsi or whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But I can't, I don't know any of, Oh, I know, um, Marcus Rashford, cause he was, you know, he's done loads of good work and stuff. That's it. Really don't know. He's out on loan. He's playing in the Midlands now. Oh, is he? He didn't know that. That's not up to date. Any sports would give you the ick? Like if you'd met Dr James and he was like, I am a semi-professional lacrosse player. Lacrosse player. No, I think it'd be fun. I saw an advert the other day in my local shop for bowls and I was like, do you want to have a go at that? And he went no. But like proper 80 year old wolf. This is the other way round. We could have Dr James in and he'd be like yeah. I give him

a lot more icks. I'm, I'm more of a Nick generator as he expressed any of them to you. No, cause he's nice, but I can see it in his eyes. What you buffing a crown green bull? What you think he could do? You literally, I can't have anything without you saw me spilled diet Coke on me before. Literally, the other day I got changed four times in two hours because I kept spilling food and drink on me. I'm 32. Dittiness isn't an ache, it can be quite endearing actually. Not when, not if you live with it every day,

you are a bit like, fucking hell, that washing basket is full again. Sereka just like, his missus just pours like tomato sauce on herself and stuff, and she's like, I'm so clumsy and Carl's like, what are you like? Come here you. He knows us. Really nice vibe like, I'm so clumsy. And Carl's like, what are you like? Come here, you. He knows us. Really nice vibe to get into before their wedding.

She's always soup spilling. Lauren says, got a nick for you, Lids. I've been with my boyfriend about a month and we had a double date with one of my mates and her boyfriend. We ended up having a couple of games of pool. And he took it far too seriously and kept on snatching the cue off me.

Worst of all, he took ages on his last shot and ended up potting the white. And then my mate was the one to pot the winner. He took it really badly as well. Gave me the ick for her. Double date, you need to kind of play the room a bit. Nah. I'm not shocked by your answer. I went on a double date years ago with an ex girlfriend

and her best mate and a fellow, lovely couple, dead sound. And we went around Matthew street and whilst on Matthew street, he was like, he brought up table tennis. And he was like, yeah, I'm fucking big class at table tennis like me. And I was like, I, and he was like, yeah. And I was like, oh, I just think I'm like, maybe one of the best in the world. And he was like, right class

and you and your experience and this and I went, let's go and play then. So we went to Roxy ballroom in the middle of this like double date and it was me against him and I beat him three and he never got a single point. And I was like celebrating every point. Like it was fucking a champions league final and it was a full date. What were the girls doing? Just watching. Well, his, his Mrs. Was a bit like Christ. Oh my God. So embarrassing. And my Mrs. Yeah. And then his Mrs. Was like, fuck you. I do well. you're the best. We have both. You said two cocks. Two cocks. No, that's a tit. What are you, a stingray?

Well, me and my boyfriend went on a double date with a lesbian couple that we know, and we did darts, and they thrashed us. Yeah, of course, mate. They love it. So now I've been going to darts loads, because I'm like, I'm going to do a rematch in a year or so. So I've been like training up. I'm getting quite good. I like the board because it's easier to count because you just go one, two, three, four.

It's quite good that one. And eventually you'll be able to go past four. I can get to five. Lesbians are good at dart. In my head they're good at snooker but I'm sure. These were good at darts. And they get to all pub games. Yeah. How do you not love lesbians?

No, I thought they were not amazing. They were great, no, rhetorical. I looked in your direction and you're like, no I love the lesbians. Most of the women in my life are lesbians. Your mum? At least by, oh no, not my mum. But I I think she said she would be for Claudia Winkleman. She was my, um, years ago. She, I used to have fancy a years ago. Not anymore. So much anymore. Yeah. But no, right. My friend, my mom likes men, but not. She likes Barry. Why is my mom's? I know, but I mean, when it was alive, it's not into that.

She's not going to go dig him up and have a ride, but no, she liked Barry white and Eamonn Holmes back in the day now when he was on it, but when he was on, honestly, she was not expecting Eamonn Holmes. Yeah. Oh, that classic combo. Weird. But when he was not now, she's not into him now, but back when he was in his GMTV, he went to wrestling with John Franco's all on GMTV and now, but back when he was in his GMTV, wrestling with John Franco Zola, yeah, GMTV and then, but now a big thing is Alan Titchmash. So that's me, mom. Is she all right? I don't think there's another woman on the planet who would put those three men at any point in like their top 10, not collectively. I can't think of any women's ever gone, you know what, Barry Weiss, Eamonn Holmes, Alan

Titchmash. What list do they share for anything? And they are, they are a bit different thinking about it now. I've not really thought about it. Isn't Alan Titchmarsh like fucking 411 or something? Is it because it says Titch in his name? No, he did 9 11. I think he is really small. I actually got a massive cocktail. Maybe you've just seen him when he's been studying and all that he's done. Maybe he's quite tall, but you just see with his spade. Charlie Dimmick's tits. Oh, everyone does. Don't know what's Charlie Dimmick's tits. Charlie Dimmick was the lady who did ground force with them. She was like his, she did all the stuff. She just never wore a bra. Big old huskies. Oh really? I mean they were, they were huskies, but they, you know, the legs

are gone. I mean on have a word with a fringe. The huskies are a shite. The very idea. Claudia Wencommon's a beautiful lady. Yeah, she's alright. I mean, you know, is she that good? She is, yeah, I think. She's funny, she's interesting, she's a great personality on television. Claudia Wencommon.

Oh yeah, oh, she's gorgeous. Oh, shout out to Claudia Wencommon. Not for me. Worst thing about the Traitors and strictly come dancing. Throwing out there. Wow. I think she's good on the train. My pajamas ugly though. I don't know which one that is. I don't know who she is. I always think what sort of woman I'd be legs that's got what sort of light woman I'd be into if I was straight. And I do think it'd be like a dinner lady sort of vibes like, like quite a briefie woman. So like a manly. I just remember all their favorite women. When I was younger, we were all me dinner ladies. Maybe that was just, yeah, maybe just had a sad life. I thought

they were just, I could be like, did you hold their hands? Was that you? Yeah. I'd talk to the dinner ladies. Yeah. The ones who'd walk around holding all the ladies hands and the teachers hands and they would. Yeah. Probably me. You're worried about them as even as kids. How's it going to end up for that kid? But no, yeah, I don't know. Anyway, sorry, a little thought. Lily says, my fella is left handed. I'm left handed. Maybe he's not an egg. Maybe he's gay.

That could be a sign of gay. No, I don't know. There's a correlation between a cause Asian proof. My son's like, is that true? Yeah, that most well, my boyfriend's left handed. There you go. See two for two. My shirt. Yeah. And I'm left handed. Is that true? Yeah. That most, well my boyfriend's left handed. There you go. See two for two. Yeah, and I'm right handed. Poppy says, Poppy says I went on a date with a lad to a restaurant and he said thanks to the staff as we were leaving and they ignored him. Gave me the ick.

Yeah, but not on him on them. Where are their manners? This is what happens Josh. This is what girls write in. It's always just a man trying to do the right thing. on them. Where are their manners? This is what happens Josh, this is what girls write in. It's always just a man trying to do the right thing. Yeah I don't want to upset your listeners but if you've got the ick from your boyfriend having manners you don't deserve him. I know where's the aura? He's got manners. Where's the aura? Do you know what, like I say this, I really struggle to get the attention of waitresses and waiters as they go past. And it gives me the ick. I'm like, excuse me. It's pathetic. Yeah.

I just gotta have more of a presence. Hey! No, no. Like that's too much. Cause if you've got the presence, you don't need to do that. Just like this, look, just. And they're like, oh God.

No, they're just like, oh hello sir. Catch the eye and be like. You want to somehow finger out finger up look. No, I'm a bit embarrassing. I'm like, hello. You do. Are you the dinner lady? Can I hold your hand?

But yeah. Even with the behind you. But I feel a bit like when you like that, I feel a bit, do you remember Rose when she was in Titanic and she was trying to get the boats to turn around? She's like, hello. That's what I feel like when I wait for a waiter. Or even stand up and go, hey, and sit down again. You can't stand up at a restaurant and shout, hey. That's his balls. Patrick says, Cri-er, Frix, I once went on a hinge date with a girl, it went really well. And she

ended up inviting me back to hers for some drinks. When I got there, I went into the flat and saw a huge tank with four crabs in. She immediately showed them all off, told me their names. One of them was called Brian and started talking to them like they were children. Creep me out. There was no second date. Crabs. It's fine. It's fine. Hey, it's like your pants. Is she like, is there any follow up? I was at all the information you have. I want to know if she got him out and was like, do you want to roll it? She introduced him.

You can have my crabs and you raise them for meat. Brian the crab. You raised them for meat. How fit do you have to be for someone to have crabs and lobsters and you'd be like, it's fine. You've got to be hot. Yeah. If someone had a pet snake, I couldn't, I'd have to leave the house. Fucking prejudice. I couldn't. How many snakes? Have you got a snake at your house? He's got six snakes. Have you? No, I've never even held one. It's the bit. It's the bit. It's

my, I'm, you know, Jake the snake. It's got six legs. I know that's not true because he's just had his first carnage pasta. You don't go eat him. No, but I mean, no one, no one who's not eating carnage pasties is having a snake. Oh, that's a fact. Give me the box. No, but I mean, like, I know what you mean. They're not adventurous.

Yeah, you've got to have an adventurous spirit to have a snake. Yeah, you can't just adventurous. You'd be a goth with a tank, but you won't just have, Oh, I've got this an aric, what are you calling it? I've got an Ariconda and then an A An anaconda. I've got an anaconda. I've got an anaconda. But if you've got an anaconda, you're not then just, oh, well, I can only have spam and chips. No, you're a man of the world if you've got an anaconda. He's right. I'm a man of the world just because I

don't like spam and chips. I've been places. I've been Bournemouth. You know, I've lived. You came to India? Oh, and India. Big two. Did you like the food in India?

I wasn't keen in Bournemouth, to be honest. That's a pod. Josh, tell everyone where they can find you. You can find me at joshjonescomedy.com and joshyjones92 on Instagram. Beautiful stuff. We're all away now for Carl's Wedding. So this is our last public record before we go away.

This will sort of go out a little bit out of time and we'll see you all publicly when we get back. The first episode we do when we get back will be a Patreon. So go and join patreon.com slash have a word pod to get the first re episode after the vetting. And his batteries have gone. We got a song to play us out on the audio. We're recording this in the future though. I'm going to plug my EP is coming out recording

it now. Yeah. We're recording this for the future. My EP is coming out next week. So remedy, which is my EP, uh, is out next week and remedy. The tune will be on the pod next week. How many, how many tracks on an EP for wow. Four newbies, not newbies. That's what you do these days. You put the singles out and then you make it an EP. Yeah. This week is a tune by Michael Gall. Yeah, it's kind of cheesy. It's kind of exciting, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. This week is a tune by Michael Gallagher and it's called Plastic Dreams. It's an absolute bella.

Go and give it a listen. Love you guys. Good luck, Carl. Thank you. Thank you, Joel. Ring them then. Thank you. Congratulations.

Bye bye. Shit, I'm all legit It's been this way for as long as you know They took the magic and left us this hellhole Five times a week, but you'll get away with four Behind the lens, go and sell yourself some People don't want a sin, hear you moan They want Oasis covers not songs of your own By the end of the week you'll meet 50 videos They'll pick the favorite if they know how the song goes I can't get enough but it's taking my pride It's all getting too much and it's not for the first time

Sometimes feels like there's no place to hide Go get a grip son it's part for the first time, sometimes feels like there's no place to hide Go get a grip, son, it's part of the ride It's hard to see straight when there's light in your eyes It's hard to see straight, but man, I try Cause I've got flashed dreams It's all I've ever wanted when all that I need is something real It's harder to find out a mile when you give it to me Now I can't sleep

Cause it's keeping me up each night, each day of the week Now I can't reach my plastic dreams People say you reap what you sow I've been sowing so much but still nothing goes Time's moving quick, gotta drink it in slow And don't lose faith, the cream always floats Still can't get enough and it's taking my pride Targeting too much and it's not for the first time

Sometimes feels like there's no place to hide Go get a grip, sun, and read through the lines It's hard to see straight when there's light in your eyes It's hard to see straight but man I tried The more that I try I realize I've already got what I wanted to find Cause I've got plastic dreams It's all I've ever wanted with all that I need

It's something real It's harder to fight out of my way Give it to me I can't sleep It's keeping me up each night, each day of the week Now I can't reach my plastic dreams I'm just a bridge I'm just a bridge