Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #326 - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan, Carl & Finn

Episode Date: April 27, 2025

Murderers Row tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comListen to Finn's new single 'Remedy': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/RemedyAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Turtle Beach | https://turtlebeach.com/word10Level up your game and get 10% off @TurtleBeach with code WORD10! #turtlebeachpodLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Manual | https://manual.coGet 45% discount on the initial at-home testosterone blood test kit with code: WORD45Merch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. You know what that bell means, don't you Dan? Start of another brilliant have a word episode. Whoa, yes. And ring a bell if you've got the best Patreon in the UK. Patreon.com slash Have A Word pod.

If you're going to enjoy this episode, you are going to love being a patron. 30,000 lids can't be wrong. For as little as three pounds a month, you get an exclusive episode every Wednesday. You also get early release of the video on a Saturday morning and then the specials call. So many specials. We've been around the world baby. I'm back. We've got drunken here and then we've been around the world. India, America, Amsterdam, Spain, we're going to Turkey. We're going to see the whole of the world and you can come along with us for just £3.

That is cheaper than a layer pack. Sign up and join the LID Army. Also, we're on a stand up tour, the Murderers Row stand up tour. There are a few tickets available in the remaining venues. So have a look at have a word pod.com where you can buy tour merch. Also, if you like extra content on top of your extra content, we give you that. We've got film club Q&A's, all kinds. And me and Harry Robinson, I've got the sickest new podcast on the block, which is you that. We've got film club, Q&A's, all kinds. And me and Harry Robinson have got the sickest new podcast on the block, which is Mad That.

I've got a dance event in April, April the 20th for Dan's Anthems. DanNightingale.com for that. Adam's got some live shows coming up. There's loads of chances to see us, but it all funnels through the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Have A Word Pod. This episode, as well as many others like it, is an absolute belter. Three quid. You look good today. Thank you. I love you.

A lot of people say we don't get on an episode, but as soon as we're doing adverts, we're best friends again. Come here you. Come here. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have Our Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Pard.

I have made a mistake. I've set off my talk. But you've got two lovely children out of it. Yeah. Whoa. I love her so much. Especially since I've been on TRT. Oh my god, I love my wife. I have messed.

Oh really, has it made you like love her more? I'm so horny. I thought it didn't be the opposite. Love or lust, Dan? What? Love or lust? At this point, we're 11 years in. I'll take both. I thought testosterone gave't be the opposite. Love or lust, Dan? What? Love or lust? At this point, we're 11 years in. I'll take both.

I thought testosterone gave you floppycock. I thought it gave you floppycock. I can't, I've been on it three weeks. I'm thinking of steroids, aren't I? Let me tell you. They're not the same, are they? No. But a lot of people make the mistake I've just made, don't they?

Do they? Usually they use both. Well, I'm going to have estrogen tits and a constant hard on. That's how my life is for the next six months. Welcome to my world. Why can't I have estrogen tits? I have, what? Estrogen tits?

I didn't think it's one of the side effects. I think they're just called tits. They're just called tits. Oh yeah. I've set off my toddler's tism because when we were away, That sounds like a great source of information by the way. Yeah, I tried to find a jog football shirt for Jack, who is getting into football, got him a football goal, he's so into it.

When we're in Portugal, I bought him an 11, no 12 euro, absolutely fake as fuck, Portugal away top, never has a parent got better value out of 12 euros. He constantly wants to wear it. So we found him an old like Maldini Italy top. So he's, he's wearing that, but he doesn't love it as much. So I at the airport went, I'll get him one from DH gate. Because no, I was in the airport and I was on DH gate on my phone, on the app. And I spent all of 20 quid. And I've got him the black, into Miami,

and a LeMini Amal Barca full kits. Stupidly got home and went, I've got you some football kits. And he's full, so he's like, quality, this is what I'm into, where are they? And then I had to go, they're coming from China. What a fucking balance. So now I have to go and get a football shirt today because this is going to look set up. I got him on. Hey, what the fuck? Where's mine? That wasn't so was it? Are you kidding? It wasn't, I swear to God. That's mad.

I got him one and I got her one. Oh, God. It hasn't got any meaning in my mouth, though. Oh, I fucking... Oh, you absolute... So, you are so cute sometimes. I swear to God, by the way. Unbelievable.

This was not set up at all. I know it looks like it was, and I wouldn't believe me either, but I promise. This has saved me so much fucking money. What is the thumb for the audio listeners? Adam has just whipped out two Liverpool tops, and we've decided this is... So I was gonna go and get him a Liverpool top today. I wasn't gonna get him the current home kit.

I was gonna be a cheap cunt and get him a training top. And be like, I would have got him baby pajamas and gone, that's the home kit. You don't know any different. You're fucking- Shout out to the kid on the tail who gave me 30% off because he was a fan of the pub. Nice. Oh, you fucking- So I got him a small and I got Etta a medium. Oh my God.

Daddy daddy, why the fuck is Mo Salah not on the bat? Oh my God. That is unreal. Well, here's the thing. I did say you might, like you said you were gonna, but this is next level, mate. Well, here's the thing. In my head, I was like, right. I know you were trying to get him to sort of push him

towards being a Liverpool fan. Cause let's face it, he lives in Chester. His options are essentially Liverpool United at the big two, and then he could go Everton or Man City. Now, he doesn't want to go Everton because he doesn't want to hate his future wife before she's even born, right? And he doesn't want to be Man City because that's oil money and they're going to end up in League Two.

He doesn't want to go Man United because, you know, they're in permanent misery at the minute and I'm really enjoying that. One of the other options, he was born in Nottingham, I was going to be, maybe I'd push him to be a Forrest fan. And then you're like, no, Dan, because that's a two and a half hour drive. Why would you do that to yourself? What if he was like, oh, I'm all Forrest. And then he was like, Dad, we need to get tickets.

And I'm like, fuck my life. I don't live near Nottingham. But also, I thought, because I was going to wait until next season and get him the new Adidas like one. Cause I thought that would be like a thing. But then I thought, hang on, Liverpool are soz for the football chats. They are going to win the league this Sunday.

And maybe he could watch it in his top and then he'd get that excited. And then you can take him to parade in his top. And honestly, that's great thinking. It's more than you need for a four year old. You could have got him the 1997 awake it. He'd have been like, this is the best thing I've ever seen. Is that the yellow one? Is that the yellow Reebok one?

That wasn't as it was on sale and I got discounts as well. Also Sunday. You know, you know, this is a lot. This is a beautiful gesture and my kids are going to be fucking ecstatic as am I. Oh, Adam Rowley. Two little reds, mate. No, competitive. I thought Liverpool were going to win the league last night while I was on stage in

Stourbridge and I think I'd have been put into a permanent KO if that hadn't happened. Every red wants really, isn't it? I took a bottle of Garnet Perignon with me just in case. For Katie Fitzgerald's in Starbridge. I took... So I got to the gig and in the fridge backstage was just like loads of Diet Coke and water and Red Bull and stuff. And I emptied the whole thing just so I could put the bottle of champagne in that I brought just in case. Do you know... Which was Rob Thomas' idea to be fair to him.

The impression I get of Starbridge, and I've gigged Wayne Bees' room in Stourbridge, it's the Katie Fitz, it's like a live music venue that do comedy as well, at the back of an IRA pub. It looks like it was shut down because of a shooting. It looks like it's been closed since 1987 because someone got murdered. When he says it looks closed by the way, if you drove past it you'd be like oh that's a pub that isn't... I think what they've done at the Katie Fitz in Stourbridge right is they've gone we don't want any dickheads to come in here we'll just open this amazing little live venue in like Beer Garden and it'll be it looks like just a garden gate so if you don't know you don't wander in but all the

sound people of the area go that's one of the best live rooms in the area I think they'd have I think they're so happy when you turn up and do comedy there. I've done it two or three times Fucking Wally's fuming I Genuinely, they'd have celebrated the league with you. I think they'd have been like, oh fuck it. He's here Well, I walked on stage and I was like, hey, right, bits of admin to do. First of all, I had Rob Thomas, Simon Wozniak and Calum Oakley with me. So Rob, when I'm thirsty, brought Calum up, break. Wozniak went on and brought me up.

But when I introduced Wozniak, I gave him every TV credit you could possibly give someone. So then I was like, first of all, Simon's never been on telly, so he hasn't done What I Lied To You, he hasn't hosted Live With The Apollo three times, and he hasn't done would I lie to you, he hasn't hosted live at the Apollo three times and he hasn't done QI either. But he's not bitter. But like from the offstage mic I was like, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your final special guest, you've seen him, he's hosted live at the Apollo three times, he's been on would I lie to you, QI, it's Simon wasn't it? But you could feel like the tension in the room, go, fucking hell, who's this gonna be? And then just someone they had no idea who it was.

Which is funny to me. But he smashed it. Yeah, yeah, everyone did. I walked on, did the album about that, and then I was like, look, Arsenal are currently playing Crystal Palace, and if Palace take the lead, you are going to see a Rob Thomas shaped hole in this wall

as he comes through and tells me what's going on. But you didn't want it to happen. No. Like last night's results is so perfect for us. And obviously by the time this goes public, it'll be Monday and we'll know either way. But Liverpool now need to draw at home against Tottenham to win the league. So it made it easier without taking away the magic. Yeah. And now the thing all Liverpool fans are doing on Twitter, which is really funny and is driving some Everton fans insane, because Everton equalised in the 97th minute, that's why we've now got the opportunity to win it at home.

Yeah, but we got joy too. Yeah. So everyone gets joy. Joy, joy, joy from everyone. I don't believe you, Carl. I'd rather not lose. Yeah, I know. Yeah. I don't think it's the same joy. No. No. But yeah, Sunday is, I'm going to Dublin tomorrow morning. And honestly, I think, we've spoke about this,

whenever I have a big event coming up, it's like I'm just pushing everything in the way, out the way. Like even doing the pod today, I'm like, this just needs to get that out the way, then I do me shows tonight, get them out the way, do the laughter lounge, get that out the way. And then it's, when I booked in to out the way. Then I do me shows tonight, get them out the way, do the laughter lounge, get that out the way. And then it's, and when I booked in

to do the laughter lounge, I was like, hey, if Liverpool play the saty, I'm gonna have to pull the gigs because I'm not being in Dublin. I'm just not. And I was like, and when it was Sunday, she was like, so I've got you, I'm gonna put you on the 4pm flight home. And I was like, no, no, no, morning please.

Cause I wanna be back. So I was booked on the half nine flight home to Liverpool, which gets me back to Liverpool at half 10, Sunday morning. And then I can go straight to the pub and the game kicks off at half four. However, I was sat in prep before waiting to come here. Cause I like, cause I haven't got a key.

I have to wait for someone to be in. And I don't have a key wait for someone to be in and so I was sat in press and my brain just went hey imagine if like you know because like there's going to be loads of people from Ireland coming to Liverpool on Sunday imagine if the airport's just chaos and they've overbooked the flight and you just can't get on it imagine if like they can't get you on the next one and then it's really tight for the game. So I've booked a second flight. I've booked the 6.50 AM flight. A second plane has hit my inbox.

And I'm earning more, yeah? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was 80 quid. And for the peace of mind, it's the best 80 quid I'll ever spend. So I'm gonna get back at seven in the morning, try and have a nap, which won't be possible. It'd be like a kid trying to nap on Christmas morning.

And yeah. Are you, no tickets for the game? I'm going to the game. Oh, sorry. Yeah, I thought you were going to the pub to watch in the pub, sorry. I'll go to the pub at one. Right, sorry.

Then drink the coach at two, and then get in the ground for three. And if you, well, I was going to say if you go and put that it's already happened. Honestly, this is the second time since this podcast has started. Yeah. Where you can argue that this podcast is the reason Liverpool have won two leagues because before this, a hundred percent, you're welcome. Yeah, you're welcome. I would love a win. It's just a, I don't know what it's going to be. An FA Cup for you. I would be so happy for you. I'll take a call. It'll be great. I genuinely

love them to win, son. I'd love to see him try and cope with that level of joy. Carabao. Let's give him the Carabao. I'll take anything. Anything? The Papa Johns. I'll take a pizza, anything. Just give all of them fans a pizza. Yeah. Well, very excited for Sunday. I'm excited to watch you be excited. Yeah, it's going to be class. Alfie's bringing his son up. Me and Josh are going in the game.

Got me banner reordered. This is class. So I got a banner made a few years ago that said, these are the days, my friend. I remember we went to Wembley last year cause me and Josh were in like the, uh, the neutral seats club Wembley. We weren't allowed to take any stuff in. So I gave it to his brother and said, just take this in with you.

And on the way in, the fellow was like, you can't bring that flag in. It's a fire hazard. And he was like, everyone brings flags in. What the fuck is a fire hazard? What's a flag? It's so stupid. So he went, you're not coming in unless you throw that in the bin. So he had to throw it away. What do you say? Fire, he thought it said a bad word.

Oh right, okay. That was awful podcasting by the way. Yeah, the fella said to him, you've got to throw that in the bin or you're not allowed in. So we had to throw it away and we haven't had it since. So last week I was like, in my head, I was like, I'll have to get me banner out and then we'll take that to the- My banner gone. So I emailed the company, made it for me.

It was like, this has been stolen from me, which in a way it has. And I was like, could you get it to me by Friday the 25th? And they were like, if you pay now, we'll give you a discount cause you've ordered it before. If you pay now, we'll be able to expedite it. So it was, I gave them an extra bit of money on top and I was like, don't fuck this up.

Get better delivery, get more premium delivery, make it faster, put it at the top of your list. Don't put a third, let's just get this done. They were like, you'll have it Friday morning. And Anfield aren't gobshites about banners. The stewards on Anfield would just be like, don't worry, but I'll just put it on your shirt if I have to.

Are they still doing those giant flags? Yeah, but the spy and cop run that. They're responsible for that. So they're like the, I know they're not ultras, but they're like the fan group that do all the... Yeah, they're authorized to do it by the club. The club are like, yeah, they bring their big flags in and they do. Do you know if I was Italian, I could see the appeal of being a hardcore fucking ultra for it being your whole life.

Why do you have to be Italian for that? You know what I mean? They're the real ones, aren't they? They're the ones where it's so too much in it when fucking Giuseppe goes, we're going to just stop this game because I've decided and Francesco Totti goes and has to talk to them. It's totally skewed. It's not how football should be, but I bet it's class to be a part of it. Apart from the racism, you know, apart from that longing for a reclaiming of fascism and the murder and the stabbing, apart from the murder and the stabbing. I think being an ultra would be great. The petrol bombs aren't crazy.

I'm listening to petrol, but especially with fuel prices, you've got to think about it. It's got to reduce the, they hate the football as well. They just there for the fight. Aren't they? No, they do this singing with the drums and that on the cover suit. with the drums and that on the curve of suit. Singing with the drums. Ringo. I think that's not as good as when English fans just start. It's, it feels a bit forced. Yeah. Yeah. When, when we get away fans that I'm field, they were like being like orchestrated. It's just, it's fake and cheap and it's constant. It's all because what? Yeah. There's a guy that faces the crowd and does this shit from, sorry, from other English clubs. No, cause that's a, that's a prison sentence. Isn't it? You're like, go on Jeff, do it. Fucking sit down. Royal Philharmonic away.

Do you mean the guy on the megaphone is like, I don't even watch the game. I'm telling you, it'd be great. Apart from the racism, fascism and murder and petrol bombs. I'd be banging to it. Just be nice to have a hobby. Do you know what I mean? Start Watford Ultras. Who are the other ones that... Down the fucking Rookery End. The ones in Warsaw are good, aren't they? Again. But the banners that they do, it looks like, you know, like at the start of the game, because

when at a football ground, they're like, we're going to do red and white stripes. And then people have got like a piece of paper and you can see loads of gaps because people are like, fuck off, I'm not doing it. In like Warsaw they're like oh no we're all doing it and there's like you wait for some ban them from having a thing didn't they? I used to wait for some Polish kid and do you remember Sev? Oh my god yeah. And he was like yeah in my country like me and Carl I talked about footy one day sat at the bar in Zelligs and he was like, in my country we can't sit this close. Like even at work, like, like they'd just be mad at people that get like attacked and stabbed and stuff over football. Like you can't sit with a rival like you two are now. It just doesn't happen. Right. Sounds fun, doesn't it? Nicola Jović, is it? The...

Jović. Jović, the basketball player who's... Oh, Jokic. Jokic. No, not Jokic. He's the guy that's just gone from Dallas to LA. He's amazing. Nicola Jokic. Jokic is the absolute...

Blankovic. They were like, oh, you're playing at whoever you're playing the fuck in, Denver Nuggets or something. Oh no, he plays for Denver. And they were like, are you going to be able to handle the atmosphere? It's a great interview. He goes, brother, I play in Serbia. And then they, on the real, it just clicks to the basketball games in Serbia. They have flares at the basketball games. It's indoor. Fucking mental. I know it again, it's about being a sport tourist. I'd love to have a

fucking go. I'd love to go and watch what that's like Just like I didn't even know Serbia were that into fucking basketball. How funny would it be if you just became a Serbian basketball ultra? You've got the ad for it, you know, but it becomes Serbian Like no Serbian basketball. That's You have got the head for it. What? You cook your Serbian for me? I get away with it. Look at the fucking skin tone mate.

I'll be alright. Brother, I'm season ticket holder. If you were like an actor, you'd be getting put forward for castings as a Serbian, wouldn't you? I'm just scanning that for a dig. There is digs there, but yeah, you're absolutely right. You know what I mean? Like if bald Serbian man number four came across your agent's desk.

Whoa, it's a weird scene, isn't it? There's so many bald Serbian men. That would be like something she'd be like, I've got one for you, Dan. You're going to be bald Serbian man number four. This is the stars of a new like era of your career here lads. Cause there's loads of the roles coming up. Honestly, I'm inundated with bald Serbian guys. What's his line? What's that? Brother. That's it. No room, go away. It's the Nativity.

Don't sit next to me. You're the enemy of mine. Are we doing Serbian ball man nativity? Cool. That's a nice twist, isn't it? Is the room at the end? No, fuck off. No room, go away. Sorry Joey. Sorry Joey, but I can't help you tonight, Maffly. Oh, cool. Maffly, come on Joey, my friend. Come on, Joey, my friend. Come on, Joey, my friend. This is the thing, in like other, hang on, I already know it's coming. In other cultures and countries and people who aren't white, the other way we like sort of have Jesus is like this fucking, as Tommy Tienan calls him a six foot BGG G's and he's like fucking white and long beard and stuff. You know, like African Christians is there Jesus like fucking black Jesus. But is he like John Obi Mclell? Yeah. Asian Jesus like in China or Asian Jesus. Yeah. And is

he Chinese? Yeah. Cause like you, you paint Jesus in your image. I think that's the whole thing. I remember we had an RE lesson where they showed us. That's really funny. Mo Salah. But he's not Middle Eastern to us, is he? He's a beautiful Scandinavian boy. I think that's changing a bit to people that aren't actual Christians. I think if you ask you now, what colour is Jesus? You go, yeah, he's a Middle Eastern dude. Or do you still think he's the white guy? I just think he's a middle Eastern dude. Or do you still think he's the white guy?

I just think he's a Jew. I think, wow. Why was there so much? Because apart from emphasis, I'm spot on by the way. I still think slightly Scandinavian, you know, like ripped long head looks like he's in Kings of Leon. He would be ripped though. He was a fucking joiner wasn't he? So he's like on the site all day. He's on the tools mate. Was he a joiner or was that his dad? Jesus is on the tooth. Was Jesus a joiner? He was a joiner, yeah. He was a carpenter. No, it was Joseph and... No, no, no, Jesus was a joiner. He was a spark, wasn't he?

A spark. Mary Magdalene was a fucking whore. He's a fucking... He was on the turls, though. He was a joiner, though, wasn't he? He was knocking up fucking Wendy houses and that. Yeah, selling a bit of Coke on a Friday. Cash in hand.

Thing is about JC, it's all fucking cash in hand. Imagine if he did like give you a little drop here some coke on a Friday and then he died and you were like fucking oh got away with that fucking bill mate and Sunday he's like I'm back but then I'm the ghost of Jesus you owe me a ton. Do you have any more facts about African Jesus? Kenya do think he's black just Kenya. Jesus? Kenya do think he's black. Just Kenya. There's a good for you. Can you look at you? I think I think they've just yeah, they weren't Christian were they before the whites went home the missionaries? Yeah. Yeah. So now they've gone. Jesus was a white guy. So they they believe that. Well, you know, maybe you're right, but it felt dodgy. It did.

It feels. I don't know if we get to heaven, right, and it's real, and God's like, you're all forgiven, come on. We forgive everyone, just come in. Don't do any of that nonsense, you're all down there, but welcome to the Gath, right? And he's like, here's our Jesus over there. What would be the most surprising thing, like, if he's real?

What was happening? Finished midget. If he finished a midget or if he was a small person from Helsinki, Helsinki little person. Hell Twinkie. Woah! He wasn't from Finland though, we know that. We don't know anything. I think we're pretty safe in saying that Jesus wasn't from Finland. But Jesus was 5'1".

Back in the day that was quite tall wasn't it? That was tall for his time. In my head he's like 6'1". Back in the day, that was quite tall, wasn't it? That was tall for his time. In my head, he's like 6'3". Yeah, we've just said that. It's the BG Jesus. Yeah, but he was 5'1". 5'1''s small, by the way. My mom was 5'.

My mom could have won the header against Jesus. Fucking Sammy Hooper. How old is Jesus when he died? 33. He's not Finnish when he died? 33. He's not finished. He was a hard age. Mad. What have you done?

We've done more than Jesus. Oh yeah, sorry, you've done more. He was just a decent magician, Monty. You've reached more people in your lifetime than Jesus did. Yeah, but it was less people then, wasn't it? It was like 14 people in the world. Yeah, but I mean, if in 2000 years, people are still fucking arguing about whether-

Your Victoria's Secret routine. Yeah. But like, this is not gonna live 2000 years, this part of it. Or maybe it will. One of us need to do something really bad. What did Jesus do that was bad? Oh, it would, yeah. Yeah.

What did Jesus do that was bad? No, no, he did the good way, but it's much easier to be remembered for being bad. Like, yeah. Yeah. What did Jesus do that was bad? No, no, he did the good way, but it's much easier to be remembered. Like Raoul Mote. Someone has to betray us. Are you putting Raoul Mote on our level of Jesus? Maybe you have to betray us. What a great example.

Someone who will live in infamy and Finn's gone for, is it Hitler? Is it? No, it's Raoul Mote. Well in Finn. You, him and Finn. Yeah. You need to kill someone. I don't want to, please. If one of us got, no, one of us could get martyred

and that'd work as well. Oh, yeah. Like John Lennon. No, I don't want to be martyred. He'd have to betray us. He'd have to sell us off menu or something. How? He'd go and produce for them

and tell them all our production secrets that make us the best in the game. What do we have another clue? And we fumble through. I've got a clue and it doesn't matter that way without a guest this week and they've got Jeff Goldblum. It doesn't matter. I mean we'd do a better episode with the Nero. I'm pretty confident. Yeah. I don't know. I don't think it was on them. The De Niro app. He listened to it. It seems like old Bobby D was a few would you rather stuff. Hey Bobby, like you're halfway inside your dad's asshole. Yeah. Your mom's fingering you. I've got this the wrong way now, but we'll just go with it. Would you rather get it right? I just take it. What if you get to heaven and you just pick the wrong, what if it, what if it is just one religion?

Like what if you get there and it's just, he just goes out. It was the Muslims. No, what if it was just, it's just an old Jewish guy going, I told you everything. Oh, what are we doing here? Oh, my God. You're listening to that fucking Christian can. And then what you do? Well, ask for forgiveness. Would you want to get in? You seen that Stephen Fry clip where he's talking about not wanting to get in? Yeah. Have you seen it? Yeah. Would you want to get in? Yeah. Would you? I mean, you can be annoyed with him, but you still want to get in. If you argue with him at all, would you like be like, I'll come in and that? But like, it's like, that's like arguing with the bouncer in it. You know, you might win.

You might think you've won a moral victory, but you're not in heaven. The nightclub are you? But imagine, cause the nightclub always seems busier from the outside. Don't it? Do you know what I mean? Like when it's like, like you think it fucking sounds class in there. Imagine you're there with God and he's like, sorry, you don't want to come in do you? Being quite nausea, haven't you? And you're like, well, you did quite a lot of shit stuff as well, mate.

And you're like, yeah, he's like, yeah, whatever. And you negotiate with him and then eventually you get in and you figure out that you're the only one in there. Wouldn't that be the worst thing if everyone else is down in hell? Oh yeah. And yeah, they're getting bummed by Hitler every day, but at least you know from six o'clock onwards the night's theirs. At least all your mates.

Oh right, it's just the shift thing, is it? We'd all get bummed by Hitler, but obviously you need your evenings to yourself. Well I do think if hell's real... Why's Hitler got a job? What? Why's Hitler got a job in hell? I reckon he's probably boys with the devil in he both quite naughty boys. Probably gone. Okay. As what I think, though, I

think whatever torture they could give you in hell after like 1000 years or whatever. If it was if it was constant, it wouldn't feel it would just be another day, wouldn't it? See, the only way that... Adam, I've seen you on the phone to Santander for 25 minutes. Adam Rowe. Yeah, but this is exactly my point though. The only reason I hate being on the phone is because I can still remember what it's like to not be on the phone.

But if I was on it for a thousand years, I'd just be like, this is just what it is. You need the comparison of joy. So I reckon every sort of fucking few days or few hours in hell, he must be like, go on, go on the slide. And you go on the slide. They let you out for a play. Right? Come on. Outside everyone. Because the torture would get like sort of monotonous and boring and it wouldn't really feel like torture anymore after a thousand years. So they must go. They must give you a bit of joy so you remember that there's nice things are possible.

And then it goes back to shoving pineapples up your urethra. Let's stop getting bumped by it like it on the slide for a bit. And then if you figure that out, do you just not go on the slide? Do you go now? Because if I go on the slide, it'll make this fucking bomb rate by Hitler a bit worse later on. Pineapples, this Hitler, it's busy in hell, isn't it? There's loads of busies.

Yeah. What if you just get in there and it's just full of Christians? Hell or heaven. Just you get in, you're like, it's dry. It's just old people giving out bad biscuits. That's my heaven. Just you get in, you're like, it's dry. It's just old people. It's just bad biscuits. That's my heaven. That's what Christians do, innit? They give you stale fucking Bourbons, mate. In my head. Like old Christians, just like no one goes to see them. So when you go and sit them like, oh, I used to get my grandson these biscuits, and he doesn't come anymore. It'll be 20 years it was the same packet. It was the same packet.

Based on all Christians on the old people's home I went and sang at when I was in the choir. Were they all Christians? I think in Liverpool my nan was massively Yeah, like my nan's generation and older were all religious weren't they? And especially people

get more religious towards the end because they're like... I think if you weren't bothered, you're in the... My nana and granddad were not asked. But they also, I think, had grown up in an era where they knew to just keep that to themselves. Maybe their sexual kinks meant they knew they were going to be kicked out of heaven anyway. The thing is BDSM was such a big part of their life, wasn't it? And that's what I should have started with. I was like, my nana and granddad, two of the

most amazing people that have ever walked the earth, angels, both of them. What I should have said was they were just raw dog gagged like, my grandad constant asphyxiwanks. And that's really got what got in the way of heaven for them But I tell you what they're both down there now having pineapple Loving it more fill them. They hated dry biscuits. We've broken you, you know, I Used to remember those people that you know, love me listen to this and now I don't give a fuck What you reckon you do that'll stop you getting into heaven? Nothing, I think I'm a good person.

I think I'm... Listen, if you get everyone's fucking accounts out at the pearly gates, yeah, I've got a few blemishes. Have you seen The Good Place? Who hasn't? Have you seen The Good Place? But I'm in the... No, I haven't, in the majority of stuff. I reckon I'm a... It's very good by the way.

So the concept of the TV should be The Good Place. And if you haven't seen it, there will be a couple of spoilers here, but it is class. And the idea is every religion's got bits right. No one's got it 100% right. No one's got it 100% wrong. It's just when you die, there's a good place and a bad place. And your score across your life, every time you did a good thing, you got like some points. And every time you did a bad thing, you lost some points.

And if you are in the green by the time you die, you get into the good place. And if you're in the red, you go in the bad place. How strict is the red and green? I mean, what are we talking here? 34 and a 30, it's not a red, is it? You know? No, but you would lose points for that if you hit a child. Like if you, if you were just, what do you think that's a red? I'm just saying, copy, cause your speed. What speed did I hit them? You know, is it? All right. Okay. Um, yeah, I've got some reds.

I've got a few reds, you know, but I've got mainly green. But like, like speeding would be a red. How big are the reds? So many reds there. By the way, do you remember that I've heard from years ago where it was like, if you hit me at a, please stop. I feel that this is by the way, hit me at 30. There's an 80% chance I'll die. If you hit me at 20, there's an 80% chance I'll live. It was 40 and 30. So maybe I should wear a helmet. It was 30 and 20.

Are you sure? That's why outside schools, everywhere's 20 miles an hour. If you hit me a 30, there's an 80% chance you'll live. If you hit me, die. If you hit me a 20, there's an 80% chance I'll live. If you hit me 84, you'll time travel. But if you hit me, that means if you follow the maths on that, yeah, I was right by the way, it was 40 30. Was it? Yeah. If you follow the maths on it, it meant if you hit them at like 10,

you actually made them healthier. Wow. I love it. How you being a mathematician works like that. I mean, kill you makes you stronger. Oh shit yeah, the percentage wise, you'd be more of a person. Yeah. You'd be like, oh, I've learned from this. Thank you, Adam. That's a green for judgment day. Yeah, like having a cigarette would probably be a red. Whoa.

Because like someone nearby is getting less healthy. Hey, that's judgy. No, passive smoking. Passive smoking. Yeah. Yeah, but you're only, no, you're only harming yourself if you're doing it. If I ever wank, is it a red? It would have been a negative, yeah.

Maybe not a big one. Mate, speeding cigarettes and wanking. Maybe wanking's not, because that's not affecting someone else. But if you're puffing away and someone's nearby, they're getting passive puff. You can't be puffing. Yeah, if I was wanking outside of primary school,

it's a bit like speeding. That's a big red. That's a big red. That's a big red. Here's a question then. What about someone like Jimmy Savile, who did a lot of good stuff, but also very, very, very bad stuff. I think the fact that he was only doing the good stuff

so that he could do the bad stuff means that it was all red. I think even his charity work becomes red. I also think it outweighs it a lot. If you get a job at a children's hospital, just so you can fuck the children who go there. I think that's a negative. Call me mad. You are mad. That MBE, you know, not the NBA. Jimmy Savile was in the NBA. They asked him if he could cope with the atmosphere. All bread brother have raped in children's hospitals. Please don't do that one trailer. Don't just don't do that. Yeah, I think I'd get in based on that. I think I've done some things I'm not necessarily

dead proud of, you know? But I've done loads of things that I think, you know, I'm sound, bought your kids some 40 tops, there you go. That's the difference. Yeah. I can now speed a bit past your kids. I love it how you're working it. This is quality.

I've done some good, now I balance it. You want to get on, you want to get in heaven like Brexit. You want to just, just. I want to get in with like one green point. That's the most fun way to get in. I don't want to be mother to these, I get in and be like, oh, I did all a good stuff. Boredom bitch.

Yeah, that's what everyone said about her. I thought Gato, he was like, get in there, you're bored of me. You're fucking dull. Another dull one. Let's have a break. Section two. Section two.

If you'd like to sign up to Patreon, we'd like you to do it as well. It's one of the best patrons in the world for a reason. All the extra content, the specials, an exclusive episode every Wednesday, early release of the video, the public episode for just £3 a month. I actually think if they're not signed up yet, they don't deserve it. They don't want any more of you. I disagree with that. I'm going for the hard sell. No, for the... Go on. for the hard sell. Get in there. Get in the reverse psychology. Don't sign up. You're missing nothing. Don't worry about

it. What about the audio listeners? No, I winked. Wink. Yeah, you probably won't get it. I can't. It's not as good as this stuff. It's better. Wink, wink. Wink, wink. Wink. Double wink. Patreon.com slash have a word pod, but don't. Wink.

From three pound a month, you get fuck all for that. You have to give us fours a month to get any bonus content. Wink. Also don't go to the Apple store, you'll pay more. Go to have a word pod. No, Patreon.com. No wink. Wink, no pod. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the biggest in the UK, suck our big UK bollocks mate.

I want to see if we still... Put it on there. Laugh Trio. Shall we do some... Where's it come from? I bought a... We're 14th in the world! 14th!

Yay! Whoa! I got my eye on 13th now, mate. We're third in the world for videos alone. So sit on that. Yeah. Most of them are like porn. Yeah. This is porn for your ears. Wink. I found the couch. Did you lose it? Seriously in the living room. Well, yesterday I found out when I'm going to be getting the keys to my house, which is in about six weeks. So I got overexcited and went straight to DFS and was like, let's have a look. And did you do that?

What you did a few others, you know what that stands for dead fucking good. So first, no, the dearest furniture store. I wouldn't go there, mate. Where do you go, Carl? Cancer research. But it is. I mean, they're the cheapest. Where did I get mine?

Sophology, I think. Which is awesome. Oh, I think that's where I ended up seeing the one I want. Oh yeah, cheap as fuck. Well known. Twenty-eleventh in a month for seventy-five years. Yeah. It is what I didn't know.

And I should have known. And it takes six weeks at least. 12 weeks. I told you this. Please someone find a... Boar. Here's me question. I know we're going to get to something.

It's good that you've got your own. Here's me. What am I going to do for six weeks? Why don't Sophology think about me? Like what am I going to do? Let's go Mosque. Shoes off. Oh, there's no chairs in there. I thought that was a Sophie's shop then. Let's go Mosque. Mosque.

They get it really. Mosque, brothers. Get a suit. What do I do for six weeks? Yep, people usually settle on garden furniture. Bean bag. But I went and tried and got garden furniture, 14 weeks for that. Whoa.

Shit. Barbecue season. Yeah. Nightmare. Where's what about food on world? What am I gonna do? So we sat on an old couch. But I haven't got an old couch.

He hasn't got an old couch. Buy an old couch. Get some meat, let's start bribing mother fuckers. I've got to sell an old couch. Yeah, or just give it away. We just gave it away to people who didn't have a couch. Can I have the orange couch? You can have that couch everyone. Can I have the original, have a weird couch? Just for six weeks.

I think it'd be more of a ball ache getting it to your house than finding another 30 pound. Than sitting on the floor for six weeks. Oh yeah, no one's saying that. Just go to a charity shop. Nobody moves in and has a new couch. Lend me your couch. Lend? What? new let me your couch When oh lend me your couch cool, I mean they're having that couch on I'm lending your couch your call Hey to discount Liverpool tops does not equal one fucking couch. It's short. Also. I owe about 18 years on that bastard

But yeah, no moves in and has a new couch straight away Throw a bit of throw a bit of meat around. You'd be all right. Yeah. We just got a big L. Yeah. It was some old fellow who looked like a really old but when he come over, you're looking at 12, 13 weeks son. It's a quarter of a year. You old bitch. You can, you can put money under the counter. That's hurt my feelings. Now cause they make them from scratch apparently. Yeah. But there's some money under the counter. That's hurt my feelings. Now because they make them from scratch apparently. Yeah but there's some of them already exist. Just buy them from the showroom.

Just say I'll have that one then. Yeah I did think of that. You've already done this. We did this when we bought the sofa in. Oh no no no we sell it. We'll get another one made. Although it did freak them out didn't it when we were trying to fit out the studio and we decided we've got to do it in 11 minutes.

When we went into DFS and went we've got got this cash, we want a couch right now, they were like, it was like they all turned into rumbas and started going, I don't know. It freaked them out. But I think that's the way. Stop fucking cashing it. You can buy them online as well, which are much shorter lead time. Yeah, but I've got the one I want. Like cause me missus is going to be moving in with me.

Is it leather? I have a say. So I was like, I want one I want. Like, because my missus is going to be moving in with me. Is it leather? I have a say. So I was like, I want a leather sofa. Whoa, no, they're well gone then, mate. Leather! What are you talking about, Cal? Have you got a leather couch? Yeah, of course.

I've got leather everything. She's... Leather rug? But I prefer a leather couch. No. Here's the thin cow! It's my house, mate! Does she agree with me?

She did until we found the one and she was like, I actually really like this. We get this. Not like old bitch. Why does no one have a leather bed? Why does no one have a leather bed? There's loads of leather beds. Dan's not in Grandad. Do they. Not leather mattresses, but leather, like, you know, bed frames and stuff. Yeah. I don't know. It feels like that would be a comfy option. And also if she's a square, I said it's wiped clean. Then, yeah, let's not make a number and brand. Okay. Are you going for that classy one? That's got the TV in the end of the bed? Nope. Oh, okay. I want to. Oh yeah. because you're going for a couch. There's more three beds in the living room.

Don't worry about this couch. There's a couch on the wall. I'm going for in the bedrooms. It's going to be farmhouse chic. Hey? Farmhouse chic. I said hey. So what's that?

Like a picture of Jeremy Clarkson. What's farmhouse chic? Do you want to see? Do you want to see the vibe? Not really. I said, Hey, so what's that? Like a picture of Jeremy Clarkson. What's what's farmhouse? Sheek? Do you want to see?

Let me see the vibe. Not really like sheep. She's at the corner of the room. Farmhouse chic is a design style that blends rustic and modern elements to create a cozy, warm and stylish home like this. All right. It looks like a bedroom. Don't look like a farmhouse.

It should always look like a bedroom. Yeah, no, because it is a bedroom. No, it is a bedroom, but it's more bedroom than it is. The design style is farmhouse chic. I don't think like a farmhouse. It sure does. It looks like a bedroom. Yeah. No, cause it is a bedroom. No, it is a bedroom, but it's more bedroom than it is. But the design style is farmhouse chic. Farmhouse chic. I don't think you've ever been in a farmhouse.

Where there's the man cave and the loft is going to be New York, Brooklyn loft vibes. The man's coming in the loft. What? What? The loft is the man cave. Right. Sorry. I thought you said the man came in the loft.

The man will be coming in the loft. What's downstairs then? You've got New York in the loft. You've got what's downstairs. Chinese sex grotto. It's just what have you never seen it? Let me get it. Let me get it. Hey, what do you mean?

What's that says? New York, far most. What's the bottom? New York, Nashville. What's the bottom for? Dovey. Eh, far most. And I want it to feel sort of like cozy. Wild. Like a pub. Your curated. No, God's better done. You know, it's hardwood floors, it's rugs, it's not carpet.

It's, you know, it's it's accent lighting, not the big lights. It's, you know, everybody wants the big lights on all the time. We're on a boat in this house. We never turn the big lights off. So we're going New York apartments, farmhouse, fucking chic in the bedroom. Big light off. So we're going New York apartments, farmhouse, fucking chic in the bedroom, big light off. That's the, you know, it's going to be like 17 lamps in the living room. Oh my God. It's got like a showroom. It's going to look fucking gorgeous. You're

going to want to come round to ours for the vibes. I'm telling you. I'm getting a tray of meat smoking for the backyard. What the fuck's that? I'm like a big old, it's a fucking unit of a meat smoke. I mean you can, you can put an entire cow. This is Carl. You podcast. You can fit fucking anything in it. Come on. I'm a full cow in it. You fit a full cow's leg in it. Great you can get them down from the farmhouse bedroom. Where are you living? You'd have to carry it down though because once you get a cow upstairs it won't come down. No not with all them lamps downstairs they'll get scared. Oh this is a mental feel this. So so far we've got New York apartment, farmhouse shabby sheet. Then we've got 17 lights in a, in a living room and an abattoir out back.

It feels intense to have New York at the top of the house as well. Why? You know, no, I don't. Wow. No one was there with you there, car. No one was like, you can't know about, I mean, if there's a fire, it's too tempting. If there's a fire, would you jump? It's a two story house. It'll be all right. And another one. How did we end up there? Decorating me house a second ago.

And now I'm the fallen man of 9-11. You've always got to think about 9-11 when you're decorating a loft. I mean, thanks for that, Carl. It was stupid not to think of it. Sorry. Yeah, I had to go around yesterday and negotiate with the sellers. The white goods. Yeah, you're selling me some beef.

So they wanted us to close and swap keys at the end of June, because they're going on a holiday in June. They're going to a wedding respectfully, give a fuck. And I was like, well, no, you're not going to stay in here with me. But I was like, nah, I need it when I'm in Nashville, mate, I need the builders in, if you know what I mean. And they were like, all right, sounds well, we can't do the middle of May, but what about the end of May? So we've agreed on the end of May, but that meant I lost my negotiating power for the utilities that I wanted. I had to buy his fucking fridge off him, haven't I?

You would also have to buy it. He was never going to give you it. Well, the thing is, if like we'd have, if he'd have got what he wanted with the moving days, I'd have made him give me his fridge. Once you've got the keys, you just lock the doors. Threaten that's your fridge, isn't it? Yeah, nice one. Can I come and get my fridge? No.

What about the other white goods? So the dishwasher's built in, so you can't be taking that, can you? That's mine. He's got a washing machine and a dryer that are 14 years old, but they're pretty good, Nick. So I offered them a ton each for them and 500 quid for his fridge freezer.

They're gonna be in the front garden. 500 quid? What do you mean They're going to be in the front garden. 500 quid? What do you mean? What kind of fridge is this? It's a fridge freezer, like a crib style one. It's American. It's Miele. Have you seen that brand? Apparently it's really good. They're like two grand brand new. I mean, that's what the dude told you, isn't it? Yeah. No, I did. I made him give me the manual and I googled the model number. Is it American? Is it like a double door? Okay. That makes sense. Good fridge. I've offered them seven ton for all his white goods.

He asked her to be full. What? Fridge. He's got to stock it with Dom Pellignon. Just for every full league title in the future. Get him I'm in Stourbridge. And then, they're a wonderful couple by the way. I'm not in any way slagging them off. They're fucking brilliant. But he was trying to sell me everything he owns. Why didn't you buy his couch, dickhead? I don't want his couch. Were you a man? You need a temporary couch.

You need a temporary couch. And if it fits in the living room, it's already there. Buy his couch. No. Okay. I there. Buy his couch. No. Okay. I don't want his couch. No, no one wants his couch. It's the wrong vibe.

The vibe is not sitting on the floor. Also takes up rooms for lamps. Well, to be honest with you, when I left yesterday, I was like, I should have told them I'll keep that couch, but apparently her sister wants it for her daughter's wedding. What a gift. Good luck wrapping that twat. Wow. That's what we should have done for your wedding, second hand couches. I would have got it in the baggage. No, that's right. Right, how stupid of me to say. Silly almost.

Yeah. So he was like, he was trying to sell me his chandeliers and I was like, you can keep them mate. They do not go with the cozy vibe. I'm looking to curate. Isn't it just loads of lamps? What? No, no, it's, it's, it's very fucking Antwacky. Antwacky. You never heard that? I think it's disgusting. Is it like, is it like Arlos? No, Antwacky means like old fashioned. Oh, it's bit Antwacky. Oh, it's just someone saying antique wrong. Right. Kind of. I suppose it is. Yeah. I've never really considered that. Antique. Bit Antwacky. What are you wearing this for? It's bit Antwacky. Yeah. Wacky antique. I can't wait to hear all about this for the

next three months. Eric, last you buy a luff fun. He tried to sell me his piano and then I said no. And then he was like, can I just leave the piano? What a brilliant bargain. That was good effort though. I don't want that. And then he said it hasn't been tuned since the nineties. So like it would need tuning if I wanted to play it. And I was like, I'm going to fucking shock it here, brother.

Not a pianist. That feels like something you could get into I'm gonna get a piano tuner as a note it's just all like just tune every key to it It's just all like just tune every key to it. I've told them I want to keep the bed. The musician loves that. You couldn't do that. That's ridiculous.

I want to keep the bed for the spare room. Yeah, that's a good one. I told them to get that bed out the attic. Don't want that bed because that's going to be where my man cave goes. Got to couch number two. Why is there a bed in the attic? Because it's a bedroom. I think you own a piano now, mate. I'll be honest, having bought a house off an old dude,

the guy I bought it off, scruffy cunt that he was, just, you could tell he got, he was like, I've taken, like a kid tied in a bedroom, like, I've done most of it, and then just left loads of shit, and what are you going to do, like, ask for the fucking refund. So we just had to clear stuff out. When I was negotiating the move in days, he did say he would give me the keys on the 28th of May if I give him a lift to the airport so that he can go to the wedding he's going to. With a couch? I mean that's quite cool. Is it Liverpool airport? Leeds? No, I'm joking. Airport? Leeds. No, I'm joking. I'd want 15 grand off the house to go to Leeds Bradford Airport. It's sick by the house though, why don't you feel so adult? Oh, I can't wait to do it up. I can't wait because it's mine in it. I'm painting in that. I'm putting some paneling in, in the hallway.

Don't you do it? I'm doing it myself. No, I know, paneling is good. No, I'm putting it paneling in, in the hallway. Don't you do it? I'm doing it myself. No, I know, paneling is good. No, I'm putting it in. I've watched a few TikToks. About paneling or just? Paneling. Machine stair paneling. I'm going black and cream in the hallway.

It's going to look very expensive. But it's not. You're doing it yourself, it's going to look expensive. I think it... I'm quite handy when I want to be, you know, let me get you a panel. Let me get you a panel. Let you study the dark bedroom for now. You can go for himself. I'll do my own panel. Oh yeah. He does. Will he work for a piano? Can he do piano tuning lessons?

Because then we can talk. Carl, you know you didn't say his name. You took offence on him. He doesn't need to go fuck himself. I might need panelling done in the future. His name's Johnny. He's boss. So good luck with the house.

And we were going to do questions. All right? Yes. Jordan Azzam says, Jordan Azzam. Jordan Azzam. I don't know, it's a cool name. Wag Wag the Boys, question for you. A magical genie appears and shows you how much money you've spent on booze and drugs in your lifetime.

No thank you. This includes auxiliary spends such as takeaways, taxis and even hotels and flights when it's been exclusively for a bender. There's none of them in here. Such as a stag or a boy's weekend. You can have this money sent to your bank account instantly, but can never have alcohol or drugs ever again. But the urge of fancying a pint will still be like it is now.

The all powerful genie simply takes away your ability to consume anything alcoholic or any illegal substances. Are you taking the cash? Before you answer, what is your number? Do you think 33 years old, a pretty good boozer? I think one for an auxiliary spend. I think it's got to be eight figures. 10 million? 10 million what? Rupees?

The price of a pint. I reckon I've spent the least even though he's younger than me. He's got the old pot on him. 10 million rupees might be right, You know, it's 88 grand. Oh, you well, you're well over it. I'm, I've been spending money on alcohol since I was what? 14, 15, sorry. I meant four, you know, you get in fucking reception, knock a few fucking Jager bombs back. 88 grand though. I'm so quickly add up and you've got hotels and fly. And I've been drinking. I've been getting on it for 30 years. I reckon I've spent more than that purely on pints. How many points is that on the average?

What? Three quid a pint. Let's say it's a five or a pint. Richard isn't. Let's say four quid a pint. Yeah. So that would be 22,000 pints. You haven't had 20. How long have you been drinking for? How old are you? What's your night out cost? No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not about how many drinks. What's your average night out cost? Cause when I'm saying is I think I've spent that on pints. 1466 pints. That's 1466 pints a year. Divide that by 52. 28 pints a week every week. But there's been weeks where I've buried that. Yeah, come on. It's not far off, you know.

I reckon your average pints a week since you're 18 is five. What? Average, there's weeks where he's not drunk. If I have a week where I'm not drinking. If I had five pints in a week and you said to me if you drank this week, I'd say no. That's a detox. We're such different people. It's mad. Five pints.

An average of five a week. Including shots, including every drink you've bought for someone else, including every takeaway associated with a night out. No, he's talking purely about... And hotels and taxis. But I mean, if we're going by Jordan's question, this is hundreds of... this is so much money. Now that I've seen that, I reckon mine's probably about 200k. Maybe 150 to 200k. And no, to not have fun again for the rest of my life. 150 K. No, thank you.

Well, it's your money in it. It's not taxable. Every time I do this, I have to be like, is it tax free? I'd wonder what I've spent on limo. Yours would be less than 50 K. Yours is about 12 quid, isn't it? See, I'm not a big drinker. I recommend so low that it's not worth it for that reason. What, getting it back? I reckon you'd have to be a massive boozer and be like 60 and they go, here's two million,

you go, okay. I don't think I've spent enough. I don't think you're old enough. Like the idea, maybe this is, you know, not healthy, But like, going to pub Sunday with all my mates and celebrating Liverpool in the league. Not all your mates. What? Not all of your mates.

I won't be there. All of me real friends. So needy. And standing there with a fucking 7-up while everyone's on 7 pints of Guinness. Waffle? No. No, no, no. Yeah, it must be hard being a, like a reformed alcoholic.

It's a rough. I could do it. It's rough, isn't it? But I wouldn't want, like, it's, I get a lot of joy from boozing. So like I'm not. Watch in the mountain, I'm watch. What do you mean? If they say he is in the amount of money, but you can never booze.

I don't think he's taking the deal. If this is deal or no deal, I don't think he's going to take the deal. That was what I was thinking. 20 million, 20 million. I think I'd be like, I can find rich and miserable. Well, you'd find something else when you have to fill a gap with 20 mil. What's he going to find? He does everything he wants to do. What does Adam not do because of space? I don't do space. Do you think?, uh, doing another row of friends on the move. Even 20 mil. Are you allowed to know? I think 20 mil I would probably take here. You allowed to hear him a suit. That's got alcohol in it. Just like, I don't know. I've got to be able to have food that you cook with. Yeah. He's the strongest tiramisu. It's like, I don't know. Hang on, yeah, I've got to be able to have food that you cook with... Yeah, see, I would.

Bolognese needs a red wine, Stu needs a can of Guinness. The strongest tiramisu in history. Keep it going, keep it going. Fork and all these puddings. I'm not having Coq au vin. Or wine gums. I like it mad.

I'd take it. I reckon mine's about 200 grand and I'd take it. Really? I'd take it. Because I think... No, you wouldn't. I wouldn't want to. I'd like to booze forever, but I'm, you know,

there's some tread on the tires here. There's some wear on the tires. 200 grand. To not drink heaven again. Like, genuinely. Like, I know everyone who watches this thinks we're all fucking multimillionaires. 200 grand wouldn't really change your life.

You'd buy a bigger house, and that's it. I don't think you would buy a bigger house either. No, maybe not. It wouldn't, like, you'd have a bigger house and that's it. I don't think you will buy a bigger house either. No, maybe not. It wouldn't like you'd have a lot of money in the bank, free petrol forever. But you wouldn't. Yeah, but I, it is a, it's a cash incentive to be healthier in it. It's like a, it's like a redundancy from fun. I think my cox just fell off. Why? Because he's not trying to fuck me anymore. He only likes me when I'm drunk. You wouldn't be healthy because your mental health would be in the bin because we're going for the booze. Maybe not me, but then I'm staying at home. I'd be hanging

out with you more. That's great. I'd be in the orangerie. I don't think you'd do it. I think for five mil I'd do it and I don't even drink a lot. So definitely do it. Yeah. Oh, weddings. Oh, for 200K. Dan's anthems next year. The karaoke, no booze. That's the karaoke this Saturday.

Sober. 200K, be gone in five years if you're smart. I don't think anyone's taking the deal Jordan because I just remembered all family events for the rest of my life and you know. Yeah, imagine when Jack turns 18 and he's kind of fucking pinting you've got like a Ribena. Bit of a weird choice wouldn't it? I'm taking you for your first pint, I'll have a fruit shoot. Ed do you remember the extension we got? Well it was all worth it. Has that sort of stuff ended? Ed, do you remember the extension we got? Well, it was all worth it.

Has that sort of stuff ended, Joe, Ed, yeah? The idea of going for your first pint with Jack or Etta? Has that, like, you think about that? Not, not with Jack yet, because he's still so young. He's like, like, he's just like a big baby that can do more. Like, his personality's coming through. It could be me.

Like Adam, yeah. Yeah. I think getting to bed is like- Still the same old big baby, and just doing more. Staying in the book. I haven't got the words. But with Etta, yeah, because it's so like she's eight

and she's just a little fucking ledge. One more year, she should be getting started. Yeah, well, I'm taking her for a first pint when she's nine. Have you found out? We're going down the fucking dogs. What's big school? Eleven? Big school is eleven. If you found out you'd been in the park with a mate that got blathered. Eight? Oh God almighty. Big school. Burn the park down. Big school. She's in year seven. It's like, yeah, it's a thing when you're seven, you go down the park and you get blathered. Would you be pissed off? 11. I'd be like, where was I at karaoke? Where was Laura? She's like, I'm going to say me friend is a new thing. We're in big school now. And then they got a park and they've got like wicked.

Yeah. I'd be pretty, I'd be pretty annoyed. But what the flip side of it should be in an all girls Muslim faith school within about two weeks. So that's, you know, 12 when she going down the park and getting pissed. Yeah. It's not safe at 12. Surely is it 28? I'll haggle differently. 2933 when she's married and her husband can take it on the part. 14. I think it starts at 14. I think it starts at 11. 14, G and 9. I think that's what the garden office is going to be called. And that is, that's the big one. She should be on the shite by then. It's going to be, these weddings are going to be shit in it. Ed is on the shy. Jack's

having a pint and I've got a fucking Ribena. Would you, would you? No, I'd rather they came and hung out at the garden office and we bought them a few drinks and spoke with the 21st. No, but the point of it is to be like, this is bad in it. Oh yeah. So the idea of it. So what am I meant to do? Carl? Like I've got to be sound. Like I'm not going to give her a fucking rally cross bike and be like, you know, it's naughty and you go, but I mean you can control it. Like you can buy the, I'll point, you can buy the aisle. You can go right arm by the drink though. And then you know what the drink and then send them to the park. I don't think you've quite cracked it there. Yeah. On the park spending your own money is my credit card. Go for it. Mental. I'm not turning up to that with a fucking

creative hooch and be like just releasing them into the woods. I think she's my baby. She's only eight. In my head, I can't, I know it's coming, but if you go too strict, then she's going to lie to you. So I don't want to, I've said this before on the pod. I was a little liar and I said anything to get to, to cause my mom tried to be strict. Like if she's in year nine and she's like, dad, I'm on the shite. You can't be like, well, as long as you tell me. As long as I buy it for you. I got three for a hundred don't waste your own money with that crap. I don't mind you doing shite as long as it's in the garden office. I think that is going to be a fucking great pint. She's given off all the signs. Jack might be, you know, because we don't know drug lingo because we're not drugsman. Right.

Another way people say he's a great pint. Does anyone say like he's a great line? He's a great line. What's the stripe? He's good at the drugs. Get on the gash with no one. Wink for the audio listening. Wink. He's a good drugsman. Wink. What would you say? Like, Oh, he's good on a, on a sesh. Yeah, I suppose so. Yeah. It's good. He's good on a session of cocaine, him. Does anyone fancy a session of cocaine? How to get no one back to the afters? I'm having an after dinner party. Oh, not dinner. I'm having an after parties. Does anyone fancy a good old coke sesh? And if you could give me your fingerprints now. Who was your favorite? Did you have like a good search partner?

Dan Blackledge. Absolutely unbelievable. Dan Blackledge. Was he black on a ledge? Yeah he was an absolute black legend. His surname was Simmons. But we didn't mess around with nicknames back in the day, you know, cause we were on drugs. You're a fucking ledge and you're black. My name's Dan. No, Dan Blackledge, absolute favorite. Wasn't even one of my, wasn't, wasn't, wasn't one of my best mates or anything. He was actually best mates with my best mate. We were just like mate of a mate. The most fun.

That's one way to make yourself look really racist. I haven't got any black mates but we mates have got black mates. What are they calling black ledge? What makes you good at drugs? Not being a mong. No, you know what I mean? My boss is out there. When people get a bit mongy on drugs.

Oh, like, skewiff. Did you think I took that on the nose as you heard it? You know, what makes you good at drugs? No, you know, not having special needs. That's probably getting cut out. It's not. Or not. Not going weird and gurney and like,

like if you can still have an article, not being on the gurney. That'll gurney the darts, I just. Yeah, yeah. Is it someone who doesn't do lots of drugs, but like, cause they're sniffing your bag? No, but once you're, when you're, when you're like on it, you're not like Gollum. This is magic. It's very, have a bit, have a bit.

If you can keep talking and chatting and having a laugh while getting on it, not coming back and being like, just snorting everything and then. That'd be a big bag that. Your shit had drugged you. Fucking off my fucking band. That's classic Dan Blackledge. Turned up with a prep bag full of drugs. Everyone loved him.

And so that's my children sorted, isn't it? Great question, Jordan. It was a good question. Good question. And Jordan. We'll have a little Part three of three. I'm fed, watered and full of cum. Why are you full of cum? I've had a wank for a few days or fucked. So you're more full of cum than before? No, no, no. That's what food does.

Is that a choice or you're like giving it up for a bit or? What's mean? Like some people like abstain from w in for a bit. No. All right. I don't watch as much porn. I'm trying to use my brain as much as I can. What I have started because I can't always get like proper started with that because my brain like goes, it's too busy, you know? So what I do is I go on porn hub and I hover over the videos and I just get like a snapshot of the, but I don't watch it and there's no noise. So I have to do the noise. You have to do the noises. But like, Why do you do the noises when you're imagining it? What do you mean? How do you just imagine the noises?

No, he has to say, oh, it's good. It's, it's, it's better if it's real though. And there's noises in the room. It's better than imagining it. What the fuck dude? Quiet sexy is sexy though. What? Quiet sex can be sexy. Just like... No, I'm a loud man mate.

Yeah, there you are. Do you not ever like make noise when you're on your own? If you're in like... Like a sexy wank? You must ask, we play the hit, it's have a word. Remember this one? Have we done this before? Yes. If you want to do it, you'll be fine. Come on, shout wank has got to come back to you. Do you know who used to work in Butlands? You kissed a man. Robot wars, it'd be granddad. I took Acorn's shoe off once. This is from...

What? This is from Anonymous. Hi lids. I'm in my 70s here by the way, we haven't really spoken about that. For the audio listeners, wink. No, sorry, grimace. What do you mean your ear ain't here just wearing vaguely brown top? Listen, depends what top you put on.

That's the era you're in. I'm in my jacket era. Well I'm in the baseball era. Hi lids, I need some advice. The other night I went out with one of the other lads. Sorry, I went out with one other lad and ten girls. Flex. Wow.

He's dating one of the girls and I fancy... Kind of posse party was this made? I fancy one of the other girls from the group. We were talking all night and it was going great. We got really, really drunk and eventually had to go home. When I woke up in the morning, I felt an instant hangover and let out an absolute Josier's yell of a fart underneath the sheets Okay, that's another Grand National horse though

It's Josie's yell takes the Grand National 2026 I turned over and to my horror I see the girl that I fancy in the bed next to me on her phone Clearly the night had gone really well, but this is not how I would have chosen to start the next day. We ignored it and she went home, but I'm worried I've given her the ick. I'm disinterested. What's my next move, lids? I need some advice. Who farts without checking if the coast's clearing? Oh, in the morning it's a chemical reaction. You're vulnerable. You're ill. You've poisoned yourself and you're just coming around to consciousness and then you do a hosey a's yell of a fart. I was thinking that. Um, I fought every morning while I'm waiting in

the toilet. Sit down. I ain't farting in the bathroom. No. Does me head in. But you have to though don't you? It tells the whole house. It tells you you're doing a bad shit but you're not. You just did a fart in the toilet. The whole house.

Little bumpers. Everybody. There's a video that's gone viral recently of a woman who was, who was dog sitting and she's saying bye to the dog at the end. And then when she turns away to leave the dog before the dog sitter comes up, before the people come back, she farts on the dog's head. But they have a ring doorbell like in their house or whatever. Or like CCTV and they've put the video up and there's a debate on whether she's in the wrong for farting on the dog's head or the people are in the wrong for filming her without

her knowing and then putting the video up of her farting. I think everyone's had a bad day really. Especially the dog. The real winner is Ring Doorbell. By the way, Ring Doorbell, the amount of content we're getting from people like drunk coming home, like falling the last eight steps and headbutting a door, I saw a guy get bitten by a snake that was wrapped around like the door. That wasn't your ring doorbell. That was me. That was my ring doorbell. But God, I love him. Have you seen any fart content on your social media recently, Dan?

I think you know I have. What's this? I'm at, I've gotten a bit of a lane with the internet fart talk. You're not having fart porn are you? No, not porn. Just, you know, general intrigue. Have you ever fucked a fart out of a woman? Have I ever fucked the fart out of a woman? Do you mean a kweef? Queen LaQueefer? Yeah. I've been in the room and a queef's happened. What? Someone was fucking in you saw a queef. I've never fucked the fart out of a woman. With a cum full of shit. Oh ladies love Adam Rowe. Fucking arsehole of jewelers. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I've been there when it queefs happened though. Yeah. Stop saying it like that. That's as

bad as fucked up. I've been there when the queefs happened. You've caused the queef. Of course the queef. You're a queef maker. Is that because it's not big enough for it? What's the mechanic? Oh, it's just piss. No, but you're pushing air in and then you're putting a willy in it and it's pushing the air out. But I've seen it with, you know, obviously you don't like a penis in porn, but man likes a fucking weapon. No, no, I do like a penis in porn. All right, well, go and put it on merch. Mad that merch.

No, no, I do. But you know, it's a girthier gentleman's prerogative, isn't it? No, no, I think back the opposite. Maybe. No, it's not the opposite. Who's watching little dick porn can make that at home. No, I think what Carl's saying is like, You've got little dick porn at home. That's what I make. It's my sideline. To make... Sign up at dansmaggot.com To make a pussy Trump.

You have to fill it with air. And then quickly... Retract, yeah. What, like trying to like separate a carrier bag? Yeah. No, but it is like that. Oh, you put... Because like with the air gets put into it. Don't make eye contact with me when you're doing that. You know what I mean?

Look at me. Look at me. Hold my eyes. Can women... I can't wait for whatever this is. We can push a fart out of our ass. Do they have the, what's a quiff on demand? No, can they, can they push out of their vaginas? Do you know what I mean?

You've seen the ping pong ladies. No, that's muscles. That's muscles. What do you want with the strength of God? What always muscles in it? Can you push something out of your funny without muscles? Can you just do it from sheer tenacity of will? A far comes from your belly doesn't it? Like in here. Like have they got the ability to push from inside?

Yeah, one of my ex girlfriends could queef on the man. She did it in her theatre studies classroom. Obviously not during the class. Phenomenal talk. What role was she playing? The dirty girl. But she sucked the head in. It was impressive. This is like how you're born, because you've got taste buds here, plus you had lungs. That's what everyone said. My putty's got lungs. Think for me, baby.

Yeah, I loved it. It was great. I mean, you know. So you're in, you're on, baby. Yeah, I loved it. It was great. I mean, you know. So you're in, you're on fart talk. Yes, very well done. Mmm, smooth. Great podcast.

Yeah, I watched the one, the woman who trumps. And it's intriguing to me. I walked over to the- Fart talk. I walked over to the desk the other day and he just showed me a video of a woman in lingerie just bent over, just doing a big fart. How big was he?

I just want so much porn that I'm just in weird lanes. I've started really liking hairy porn. Hairy porno! I really... Harry porno. I went on a whole, a proper Harry muftical evening. It was honestly fairy delights. Not something I've ever gone for before. I started leaning in. Like going for the old porno, new wave. It's got to be 4k, brother. What am I doing? I'm not squinting. I don't know if you're going for like 70s stuff.

Yeah, like Adam. Yeah. We had different 70s eras. Oh God, I really want to watch porn with Laura. You never done that? No, she's very private about the old. Dolphins? She's into dolphin porn. which she's very private about the old. That's the sound it makes. Dolphins.

Yeah, she's into dolphin porn. Hairless. We're going in different directions. Just put it on. Huh? We can't make sure the kids have a living room telly. In the car, so enough CBeebies.

Let's get some far porn on. What are you into, love? I was watching porn with a girl once and she said just do that. I was like there's so many reasons that we can't do that. Send the kids to bed. What do you watch on Italian? What time do they go to bed?

What time? If I can get her off the beak. Yeah, 9 o'clock. Why in the blood or something. Nine o'clock. Why didn't the blood, the witching hour? What, what you recommend? Why are in the blood? The bill, the bill. Oh, the 9 PM bill. Yeah. Yeah. So I'll get the bill on, get a frisky, but a babe showed up. That's like, that's how I start. Cause women love a bit of that dirty talk. No, you're watching the bill. She's like, Oh, I love this one. It's the one with the policeman in and then she'd be like, what 20 minutes in you've got like, you know, most

of you thought talk. Oh, you just go bloop and then it's the lane I'm into. He's been quiet for 10 minutes. laughing at fart talk. Yeah, cause he doesn't think of the same thing you're thinking of. That's why. You know? Just keep going. Okay. Put the porn on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then throw them out away.

Burn it. Cause that's what we love. Cause then you're like, oh I'm gone. Just don't give him any options to back out of stuff. Oh, I'm gone. This is the half nine porn they've started putting on the telly. Yeah, it always goes build to fart talk. Big Syrian lady with a fat bat farted into her camera.

You said porn, she's never watched porn with you? No, she won't. Yeah, so just go give her the choice. You know, she's got legs. She can, she can. She got, if I put porn on, she's not going to be like, oh god I'm helpless. You've thrown the controller over there. It's one of the most unspoken plights of the disabled. When people put porn on they have to just watch it.

No, when you go, I'm going no, no it's not, this is a new bit of the bill. The disabled. Wonderfully done. You go no, this is the bill. It's just, it's not. This is a new bit of the bill. The disabled. Wonderfully done. You go, no, this is the bill. It's just the next bit. Yeah, it's like late night bill. Yeah, and you're like, oh, the fucking,

and then you watch your porn together. So trick her. Yeah, yeah, good one. Or just ask if we can watch it together. But the best one is bill fart talk trick. You've already asked them, haven't you? No, I've tentatively tentacle. She's into tentacle. I've asked what she's into, but well, there is woman porn. Isn't it? It's all like, I love you.

It's lesbian. No, it's all like, hasn't she started reading erotic novels? She has. Why don't you just do a dramatic reading of one of them? So I want to watch porn together and you're suggesting just starting a fucking book club. Yeah, but you read, you read, you read a paragraph, I'll read a paragraph, but I'll do it in a scouse accent. Watch ready. Get some erotic novels up. 50 shades of gray book two. Girls Island, that are they?

Chapter. Yeah, It's quite hot. I mean, I think it's just past itself by day. And it was pretty middle age women that are into it. Yeah. That's what I mean. You're like a wizard getting fucked in the ass. So imagine I'm Laura and it's a turn to read. Yeah. Yeah. You just got back from the seventies themed karaoke night. Right. She's got this top on. Yeah. Yeah. Ready? Go. The one good thing about being carless is that on the bus on my way to work. What? Is that sexy? I've lost my license. There's nothing sexier than having to get the fucking 136 into town. Can Laura drive? Not if she wants fucking. I'm putting 12 points on that license if you know what I mean.

The one good thing about being Carlos. You get more pussy. Is that on the bus on my way to work? I can plug my headphones into my iPod and while it's safely in my purse, listen to all the wonderful tunes Christian has given me. By the time I arrive at the office, I have the most ludicrous grin on my face. Jack glances up at me and does a double take. Really bad, it's Jack. He does a double take.

Good morning, Aina. You look radiant. His remark flusters me. How inappropriate. I slept well. Thank you, radiant. His remark flusters me. How inappropriate. I slept well, thank you, Jack. Good morning. His brow crinkles. Oof, sexy.

Can you read these for me and have reports on them by lunchtime, please? I'm gonna come here, if you keep going, because it's getting a bit too sexy, innit? Also, who listens to me? What are you having for lunch today at work? Have you been coming to the buff? Who listens to music on the iPod?

He hands me four manuscripts. This is sexy, though. At my horrified expression, he adds, just the first chapters. Sure, I smile with relief. I don't know. Someone's ringing me. Pfft.

AGHD live. Feeling to everywhere. Hello? Is this about panelling? Fuck off. Go fuck yourself. But if you've got a couch, I'll give you 80 quid. I'm doing it. Go fuck yourself. I didn't ask him a quid. I found a, what is one of the sexiest passages from Haruki Murakami's wind up, wind up bird product. And again, as before she unzipped my fly, took out my penis and put it in her Bit on the nose, isn't it? Bit in the mouth. Gotta be fast. She sucked me off! This is for men who've got ADHD. She got her tits out, I fucked her. Good night.

I put the pill on. The one thing different from before was that she did not take off her own clothing. She wore Kameko's dress the whole time. The one thing different from before was that she did not take off her own clothing. She wore a Miko's dress the whole time. I tried to move, but it felt as if my body were tied down by invisible threads. I felt myself growing big and hard inside her mouth. This is actually working for me. I saw her fake eyelashes and curled hair tips moving Her bracelet's made a dry sound against each other. Her tongue was long and soft

and seemed to wrap itself around me. Just as I was about to, she, that's how it's written, she suddenly moved away and began slowly to undress me. She took off my jacket, my tie, my pants, my shirt, my underwear. What? This is everything.

And made- Tie them pants? She took off my Liverpool training jacket, my home shirt, my tie, my pants, my shirt, my underwear and made me lie down on the bed. Her own clothes she kept on though. She sat on the bed, took my hand and brought it under her dress. She was not wearing panties. My hand felt the warmth of her vagina. It was deep warm and very wet. My fingers were all but sucked inside. Big girl. That was good. That one. Yeah. I could get into this. Like a queef. Full session. I switch on the computer to start where.

Hang on. It's going to get steamy in a hotel. Finishing my latte and eating a banana. Hang on, it's gonna get steamy in a hotel. Finishing my latte and eating a banana. That's a fallak, innit? There's an email from Christian. What the fuck is this? This is just minutes of a meeting. From Christian Grey, subject, so help me. Date, June 10th, 2011, 8.05am.

To Anastasia Steel. Message, I do hope you've had breakfast. I missed you last night. From Christian Gray, CEO of Gray Enterprises Holdings, Incorporated. But this is an out of office reply. Reply from Anastasia Steel. Subject, old books.

Date, June 10th, 2011, 8.33. I am eating a banana as I type, I have not had breakfast for several days. Can I just tell you something about Haruki Murakami? They're getting to the fucking point, aren't they? This is just the office chat. 50 Shades of Beige. Stay down.

I have not had breakfast for several days, so this is a step forward. I love the British Library app. I started rereading Robinson Crusoe. And of course I love you. Now leave me alone. I'm trying to work. And everyone's getting off to a...

Reply for Kristian Gray. Subject. Is that all you've eaten? It's always a nod. This can't be real. We should write one. I can't just recount the day. I think Carl got in with Wally. From Christian Gray subject. Is that all you've eaten message? You can do better than that. You're going to need your

energy for begging. Oh, there we go. Whoa. She was getting sucked. What done? Good job. I didn't read the next one. Reply from Anastasia. Mr. Gray. I'm trying to work for a living. And it's you that will be begging. Cheap lousy. Whoa. Yeah. That's just going to work too much. Did we have a question? Yeah. He fought in front of a bird who's never going to text him again. You've done mate. You've done. You've hosed a young one. That's it. Walk away. That's there's no, is it? That's it. He's going to fart again though, isn't he? Yeah. But you can't manqueef on someone's thigh and like marry her. I think, I mean, it depends how liberal she is, doesn't it? She sounds boring. Are you farted? Did you? I only farted in the shed.

Well, she never said that, so she does sound boring when you make it sound boring. What did you have for breakfast? I haven't eaten for days. CC in HR, just getting naughty. Everyone farts in bed. Yeah, but not on the first, the first tryst. Does she think he doesn't fart until he does? He doesn't know what she fucking thinks. I thought you didn't fart around Cerakovite. No, what I'm saying is I wouldn't break up with him if she farted with Marie. No.

I reckon if she had farted that first night you got together just like brazenly while looking you in the eye. I reckon you might say to me the next day, she's mad, eh? You know. You're not mad, good, are you? If she's crop dusted whilst walking down the aisle. You and Seneca, I meant what I said in my speech, the best couple I've ever known. By the way, can I say it was an incredible speech? It's good. You fucking nailed it.

21 minutes, by the way, can I say it was an incredible speech? It's good. You fucking nailed it. Thank you. 21 minutes, by the way. After Adam's speech, the guy, because I was introducing the speeches, the guy came over and went, excuse me, the kitchener asking, will all the speeches be so long? Because the next course is pasta and they're worried it will become cold. And he was... But if she farted that, like, like Jose Bello and looked you in the eye, you wouldn't be married now if she did that on the first like time you got together. I don't know.

Yeah, maybe not. I'm telling you, you wouldn't. You'd have gone, she's dirty. That fella faced it. I don't wake up. That fella faced it. Oh, I'm asleep, mate. I just walk away from this one, mate. I think as much as you like it, you've

goofed all over her leg, just walk away. Just find another woman and don't fart on her immediately. But what if she was the one? Commit her to a relationship and then fart everywhere. Who cares? Yeah, but what if she's into it? Yeah. What if she's like, when can I see you again?

And he's like, what do you mean? She's like, I was really into that. Just fart on me again. Well worse. If he just goes, and she goes, oh yeah, flaps the duvet and breathes in. No. Yeah. Worry.

Yeah, but that's an easy kink, innit? It'd be perfect for me. Yeah. We can all fart. Imagine if there was a woman out there that was into this. Imagine how good that'd perfect for me. Yeah, we can all fart. Imagine if there was a woman out there that was into this. Imagine how good that would be for me. I could just fart on her whenever I wanted. And then like she can hear me having a l'IBS attack in the bathroom

and she's getting squirty. Straight to squirty. Oof. She's keen. She'd be dehydrated with you. So that was the sexy section. By the way, I just want to let you know, if anyone was listening to that and got even a bit aroused at any point, this is on you. You're worried.

You said was a bit, you know, when someone wrote a sexy fan fiction. Yeah, do some more of that. If you're into it. All of you know what? It's about time we set some homework. All 150. All of you. Do you know what? It's about time we set some homework. All 150,000 of you. I want it by Monday. This is from anonymous.

All right, lids, please keep me anonymous. Oh, shut up. You don't have to say it twice. I'm going to be a dad in August for the first time. My wife has a kid from a previous relationship. The other day. And she's going to let me meet him in August. I'm your dad now, I'm 24.

The other day, the kid told her that he wanted the baby, the new baby to have the same last name as him. The kid and my wife have her surname as she didn't take mine. The kid and my wife have her surname. Yes, as she didn't take mine when we got married, as she thought it would make him feel left out. To be honest, I wasn't asked about that. Anyway, she asked if this was something I'd be okay with because it's what the child wants. I told her not

a fucking chance and to stop being ridiculous. And we had a massive fallout. He's 12 years old, a little asshole and gets everything he wants from her, but something like this is too far. Am I overreacting about this? Cheers. You're absolutely right. Fucked? He's a child? Cool, Carlson.

Not in a playful mood about this one. Fucking shoot the child. Would you have been asked about this? If Laura was like, I want the kids to have. Someone else's name? That'd be so mental, because you didn't have any other kids. Like, babe, I just love the name Hargreaves. Big fan of Owen.

I always thought he did a great job and his career was curtailed by injury. And Roger. Yeah, but she was more of an Owen Hargreaves. Do you know what Roger Hargreaves says? Roger Hargreaves? Yeah. No. Wrote the Mr. Men books. Wow. That'd be funny. Mr. Bump. Yeah, but I'd be annoyed if I was raising Etta and Jack Hargreaves. So I could kept their name. What are you doing? What are you doing with your inevitable child? Sorry that you're not having, uh, if we have kids, that is an issue. It's got to be your name. Yeah. So we've got a double bodily now and I went, yeah, you're always going to be the first double bottle because they always take the second anyway. They always put the first

one off. Don't they? I mean tension. Yeah. We asked you still, uh, it's I understand. I wouldn't want to give my name away. Yeah. And she didn't. It's a weird thing that we all just accept. You get to keep it. You don't have to give it away. No, I just, it's just a weird thing. And it when you marry someone and you're like, yeah, you're you. Nice having kids, get a man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'll, I'll take your name, but I want you to change your face because I hate the name night. No it doesn't have to be his. But I love Ross.

Yeah but like you know I don't know, Bakioko. And I am not joking, I'd have agreed. Danny Bakioko, tell me I'll get TV accidentally. Tell me, I'll get TV accidentally. Fucking off the curb is signing me up. We thought he was a boring white guy, but Danny Bacchiocco sounds like a middle-aged lad from Preston when he talks, but his fucking name. What do you think about Bacchiocco? I'm going to be honest, I'm confused. The big cellist. Whoa. Don't be getting your back. You're closing your baby. I don't see you. It was a team. Who? What's his name? Timmy back. You'll go. Chelsea. If she's going to be that fun with it, I'd have really considered it I would have double barreled it but I'm not losing my name back a yoko night and gave it just to

point out Laura's maiden name was not back a yoko I just want everyone to know I didn't marry and marry Laura back a yoko what that I put you off she was exactly who she is now but her her name was Laura Bacchiocco. So it's not a race thing, it's just the sound of the name. By the way, if it was a race thing and I was in love with it, that's not a problem either. Just want to clear that one up for everyone. You know? My name is Bacchiocco.

Ah, I'm done here mate. Plenty more fish in the sea. Do you fart in the mornings though? No. She's Bacchi yoke hold everywhere. That's a good name for the fart or shit in the bed. I've back a yoke hold the bed. I'd have double barreled it. Yoke out of your back. I'd have gone Ross Nightingale. What? I'd have gone cause Laura was Laura Ross. I'd have gone Ross Nightingale. I'd be mad if you changed your first name. Ha ha ha ha.

That's right. I'd have preferred Bacchaioco. What about you? Is everyone a row? Bacchaioco-o-no. Ha ha ha. Bacchairo-no. It's just in me head. And there's Pez.

Just to make this even more mental of an episode. Why do we, every time we don't have a guest, it goes fucking insane. It's like we never do this on our own. Every time we do a patronage, we're like, yeah, this is us. This is fine. As soon as it's a public episode, we're like, wow. No,h, meh, meh. Wow. No, that's... You're absolutely right. You're having a baby. You're going to pay for it. You can stick your name on it. Pay for it? You've got to pay for babies.

I told you they cost as much as a Peugeot. They cost so much more than a Peugeot. Yeah? Depends on the Peugeot. They cost so much more than even a good perjure No, I think it's a is it a page every five years or something. Ah Right, I think you got a new page. Oh, they swap it every five years. You got a high page is That all made sense little baby back of your clothes just like a higher purchase perjure. So stop fucking getting confused

idiots Where's my homework? confused. Idiot. Where's my homework? 160,000 pounds to the age of 16. There you go. So yeah, I'll be getting a pair of you over the year or maybe stop talking about purchase. Frosty says, need some advice here, boys currently living with my ex. And I was wondering if the boys could give me some advice on how to handle it. Obviously need to win the breakup as she's a 10.

And I look like Freddie Quinn. What can I do to make things better? And that's from Frosty who was living with a 10. He wasn't, he doesn't even exist. You've never with a 10. He wasn't. He doesn't even exist. You've never seen a 10. What you mean? You've got to win the breakup. If you're a fucking thumb headed cunt

and you lost a 10, you've lost, haven't you? Is that what Freddy is? Yeah, Freddy Quinty went, yo, you're a thumb headed cunt. You make like Freddie. So you're a thumb out had the guns anyway. Wow. Move out. I mean some, some people do get trapped in these things. I can't abide it, but she's lost it. Any folks. I'd rather live in a fucking hostel. Say you've moved out. Here we go. Say you've moved out. Here we go. Here we go. Hide in the loft. Nice. I'm Frank it. That's what. And just like ruin stuff. Like when, when she's shagging a new fella and she goes to toilet, come into the bedroom. There's a question I've seen the other day, which you've just given me.

There's a tangent to this. So I'm not saying the other day is a question for you. Would you rather tangent to this, something I seen the other day, here's a question for you. Would you rather find a hundred poisonous snakes living in your attic or one man? The snakes, innit? Listen, I'd have so many questions about the snakes, but I'd be so disturbed by the man. Just Laura's ex. No, no, no, you've never, you don't know who it is. Is he silent? What?

I don't know. If he was cool then. So you open your mouth, you don't want me in yours. You open a loft and the guy goes, alright Carl what's happening? Go for a pint? Oh me? Just live in your loft. Don't worry, I'm chill.

You know? Take my shoes off inside. Love Japanese culture. Got some great, you know, 90s footy shirts. You know, so I'm sound. Don't worry about it. Clothes in the loft. Nice one. I've got pigeons in my loft. Po, so I'm sound. Don't worry about it. Close the loft. Nice one.

I've got pigeons in my loft. Poisonous. Flex. All that poo is poisonous, yeah. Don't eat it. I mean, it's really good advice as a homeowner to a homeowner. It can melt through the steel beams. Now what's the joists? Pigeon poo can melt through ceilings?

Google that. Honestly, there's pigeons in my loft now and I'm fucking terrified. Right. Because there's loads of them and there's shit in them. And I haven't looked. It can corrode. It can corrode metal over time. How fucking long does pigeon poo...

I haven't got metal joystables. Pigeon droppings are highly acidic, typically with a pH between three and 4.5. Oh, scary. So honestly, by the year 2189, they might get through a fucking- That's what happened with the Twin Towers. That's why they melted.

Pigeon poo. Pigeon poo. Pigeon pups. Pigeon pups. Pigeon pups melted the steel beam. There is the second unnecessary 9-11 reference of the day. Mine was necessary, it was high up, it was New York. Come on. It wasn't New York. You said New York loft and you loft?

That's the theme. New York and outside. He's not doing a 9-11 theme. Pigeon shit everywhere. Just like the twin towers. You know what I mean? Don't know mate, I have to go to is. Can it cost you two Persians? Yeah, just that was the damage of nine 11. What was the reparations of nine 11? Fin? You know, I Google reparations to repair. All right. Yeah. So the treaty of a science. Yeah, I understand that. I didn't, but it sounds reparations sounds like someone's got to pay it. They have America. That's true. Uh, $60 billion. Whoa. So many pay shows. 34 pay shows. I think 106 Maddie. Get out. We've got to stop. Yeah.

The gas leaks back. I think I've had a tremendous time. Sorry. 9 trillion in terms of, in terms of total for the actual buildings and the war. Apparently the war was included. No, you can't have that. How much it cost to build that? Well, I don't know. But Iraq was a bastard, wasn't it? Fine. It's two trillion. Wow. Wow. Well, let's remember the dead. Moment of silence. Oh, I'm playing Katie Fitzgerald's in Stourbridge.

I just forgot. July 10th, it's me and Mike Rice. So tickets available on their website and soon mine. It's a great room. Come see me Stourbridge bridge and also never forget. Take that. Never forget the July 10th you're doing the gig. Never forget, take that.

Oh sorry. That song's about 9 11. Never forget where they coming from. Iraq. Where are they coming from? Iraq! airplanes Some people pretend it's not real Someday They'll release all the retracted files

Was it pigeon poo? Right, we've all gone mental We've all gone mental, I call order Thanks everyone, slightly shorter one this week. We love you. We will see you next week. And we turn Tuesday night in the hour. Right. We've got a song. Oh, I better be take that. I think it might be cherry in the sky by Finlay Ke... No, cherry was remedy.

Six weeks ago. Old news, that damn. Old news. Have I not been... Have you just shared cherry? Got a shelf on UK number seven and then KC Rowan has walked off into the sunset with his millions... Have you been sharing the wrong one?

Have you been sharing the wrong one? I didn't check what you shared. I didn't listen! I saw that and thought you were taking the piss. Put cherry emoji on it! I thought you were taking the piss. I thought you were taking the piss. Thanks, Dan. Thanks for being so supportive, Dan. No, this is... Is that why you were annoyed before when I was singing cherry in the sky? Everyone's been singing cherry today, which is lovely. It's very nice.

It's better than that remedy shot you guys. You have gone down, Ilson, since then. But, you know, content is king. This is Basement Jack's remedy. No, right. Let's do this proper. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Heard proper. Stop being naughty, Dan. Oh my God, this is my erotic novel. Finn telling us off. Yeah. This is the best song I've ever written so far.

Is it? It is, yeah. It's in the top eight, says me. This is the best song I've ever written so far. Is it? It is. It says me. It says me. It says you. I've written like...

Why am I short-staffed? I've written like a hundred tunes, so that's high up. I think Cherry's... Can we not sell Cherry now though? Can we sell Remedy? Jesus Christ. But no, what we should say... Remedy is the best song.

Remedy is Grace Boar. If you do listen to it and think it's shite, don't let that put you off Cherry because that is actually good. Cherry's on the EP. All part of the same... Is it not called Cherry in the Sky? No, it's just called Cherry. I don't think so. But that's the last one.

That was the... that was a while ago. That's last week. That was a while ago and I've gone off that one. Remedy though. Well, it's got a Cherry in the Sky. Genuinely. Best song I've written. As he keeps getting requests for it, you know, like the killers with Mr. Brightside. He has to do Cherry at every gig. What's the chorus? it. You know like the killers with Mr. Brightside.

He has to do cherry at every gig. What's the chorus? What's the chorus? Of Remedy. Yeah. Listen to it. It'll be on. It'll be on that.

Will you be my remedy bitch? You are my, I'm lovesick and I want you to be my remedy. What's the remedy for 9-11? It's the best song I've written. Finn, can I tell you? I don't think this is the best song you've ever written. You've never written it? You've not heard it, you think you've heard it. I've just got a sense of it. I've just got a sense of it from...

I put it in the chat as well. It's a song about the war in Afghanistan, being the remedy for 9-11. Right. Right, let's do it again. And it ends with the unseen footage of Bin Laden getting shot. This is the best song I've ever written. It's 24 minutes. It's about 9-11.

And the pigeon shite that eroded the fucking steel beams. Finn, I'm dead proud of you. Are you happy now? Finn, I'm dead proud of you. You're very talented. It's a really good song. Go and listen to this, go and download it, go and rub it on your nan's tits. 20% of all money raised is going to the victims of 9-11.

It's not, it's not. 40! 20%? That's half a purge, y'all. 40%! 40% is going, oh I don't know anymore. It's really good, remedy. It's the whole EP.

This is the new EP by up and coming star of music, Finlay K. The video's now on the video and it's on the audio. Videos now. I tell you, you've got to work on this for when you're on TV. Can you introduce your new video? Videos now! The first line is that's when we knew it was an attack. It's genuinely a rammer. Despite all this, this noise, this Tom foolery, genuinely a Rama. Plane into the towers made. Harry say something.

A remedy is good. I like it. I actually is Finn's best. It's about like, it's got like a lyric about it. It's about feeling like, um, time times going too quick and everyone else is moving on in their life. Just move out of, just move out of, please stream it on Spotify. No, but all Tom foolery aside, 40% of the money. It's really about raising money for the victims. 60% go to Al Qaeda. They are the real victims of 9-11. I've played both sides so I always end up on top. That's nice though. I've played both sides so I always end up on top. Finn, is this how you wanted this to go? It's exactly how I imagined it to be. Because it's more- I'm going to clip this up for socials and put it on my Instagram because this is a perfect promotion for it.

Go and listen to Moving On Up by M People. What's an M People? That's a banger by the way. Listen to that first and then listen to Rempens. This is a really good song. Comment on the episode if you like the song or comment if you like M People. There's going to be loads of M People comments now. That's fine. And obviously 40% of all money raised is going to the legal fight to clear Bin Laden's name. Like they want to posthumously clear them of all nine 11s. All of the different ones.

What does M stand for? In MP people? Mobility. Imagine if it was the other one. They're moving on up. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Call. We've done that joke. Again, we've also searched for the remedy inside yourself. So it's for the remedy. Go listen and watch Finn song remedy.edy. The link's in the bio as well if you want to listen to it. I've actually heard some boss songs that people already like and then they'll be like I'm sure I've heard this before and then they'll be tricked into the nostalgia with it. Yeah, I'll try it. And like weird Al Jankovic does like parodies of like really famous songs, but he makes them stupid. Just change the lyrics to something else normal.

What's that dayo on by Sp- and people? Dayo, I'm a dayo. Do that one. That's not it. Yeah, I'll do that. That'll be the B sound. Do a parody of he's got the whole world in his hands. Everyone knows that.

Even Muslims. One night in heaven. That's a banger. One night, one night, one night in real. And you've got- Baby, baby. Don't look any further. Also a banger. One night, one night, one night in real. And you've got, don't look any further. Also a banger. Please listen to Remedy. Please. It's really good. Thanks. Finn's a musician by the way. Remedy life with a bit of cherry in the sky. See you lads, love you. Wink. Bye, Felicia. ["I'm Not Wasting No More Time"]

I'm not wasting no more time It is my enemy And I just want it to be fine Are you the remedy? Cause I don't see my brother anymore Suddenly my friends keep moving on, it's surreal I know that in life things always change But maybe we could just stay living strange I can't deal I'm not wasting no more time It's my enemy You're fine, but you're the remedy I'm not wasting no more time It's my enemy And I just want it to be fine Are you the remedy? Don't wanna think about it Just wanna shut it down Don't wanna think about it, just wanna shut it down. Don't wanna talk about it, I'll only shut you out.

I'll only shut you out I trim up my mustache, I mean it's gone into a bit of a goatee now but I will use my beard hedger and I will absolutely crop off the bottom and it leaves it smooth as baby's bottom. Listen, I don't know what you're using for your face but you've got to try the beard hedger, it's a great bit of kit, loads of different sizes, it's waterproof, battery last ages, I've used it for head, face, my wife's back, it's really versatile and also when it comes to pubes, the Lawnmower 5.0 Ultra is the best pubed trimmer in the game. You need to start using this. Listen, my pubic region does look like Carlos Valderrama. But with the Lawnmower 5.0 Ultra, I feel like I can prop it down for the misses and really streamline me crotch chop area.

Nice, I wondered where you were going with that. The beard and balls bundle is one of the options. There's loads of other stuff. Go and have a look at manscaped.com. I use the dome shaver at the moment. It has changed how I shave my big shiny bald head. Can we get a discount here, do you reckon, for our listeners? I think we can. I think with the code word 20, you get 20% off. And wait for this, Dan, free shipping worldwide.

Ah, phenomenal. Manscaped. Shave your piabs and do it well. Today's episode of the Have A Word podcast is sponsored by Manuel. Manuel is a leading UK men's healthcare company challenging the notion that men just shrug their shoulders and carry on. What are symptoms of low testosterone, low sex drive, low muscle mass, low energy, weight gain, low mood and anxiety, lack of focus and poor sleep quality? This is all stuff that I feel at 44 years old I've been suffering so I've done my initial manual testosterone test it came back low which at my age is unsurprising because one in four men suffer from low testosterone and 90% of men go

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