Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #328 with Kyla Cobbler - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan, Carl & Finn

Episode Date: May 11, 2025

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's September Karaoke Party: https://www.skiddle.com/e/40966945Listen to Finn's new single 'Remedy': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/RemedyAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsCheck out Finn's single 'Outskirts': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/OutskirtsThanks to this week's sponsors:Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Manual | https://manual.coGet 45% discount on the initial at-home testosterone blood test kit with code: WORD45Huel | https://huel.com/haveawordpodGet Huel today with this exclusive offer of 10% OFF + a FREE Gift at huel.com/haveawordpod with code: haveawordpodMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

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A lot of people say we don't get on an episode, but as soon as we're doing adverts, we're best friends again. Come here, you. Come here. Wag wag lids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have Our Word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. I am in a fucking great mood.

Nice to hear. Do you know why? Cuz I decided to be Okay, good Moke up in a bit of a grump doesn't work for everyone, you know, no, but I think it does I think it's just it's willpower I've got more control over me brain if you have something for a mental health issue stop being a soft come, you know Just fucking I have quite an aggressive attitude towards mental health. I do think that a lot of it. Like I get it. I'm depressed. Well, there's a lot to be depressed about, I do understand

that it's a serious problem, but at the same time I am like, just fucking go for a walk and have a wank, will you? It will make you feel better. Wanking does help. It just will though. Wanking does help. You can just go for a walk and then come. And if you do both of those things, you'll be, wha! A minute of coming would be good. The five minutes afterwards would be not great.

What do you have little side afters? Post-noclarity. Post-noclarity on yourself? Yeah. No, post-noclarity is when you- I have it on myself. I'm like, you're disgusting. Dirty boy. Yeah, I just on myself. I'm like, you're disgusting. Dirty boy.

Yeah, I just woke up and I was like, oh. So like since Italy, I've been like waiting for the day where I'm getting back on the off, the off of diet and then being, you know what I mean? I've been eating like shit. Like I've been just on the ale a bit. Like yesterday before we came here, me and my missus went for a pint.

After the year, went to a Baccaro, got a nap at old Spitz at me dinner. And like, that's fine. It is fine. But also, you know, we got eight plates of tapas in Baccaro and then got a dessert as well. It's just a lot of food. And then I like, I looked in the middle of the small nose,

like I feel fast again. And I'm like, it would have been so easy for me to get up today and be like, the, meh, do, do, do. I also had an anxiety dream that the couch I bought yesterday for me new house didn't fit. So I woke up really on the back foot this morning and I went, nah, nah, we're in a good mood.

And also I seen an article the other day about naming your brain. If you name your brain and make it a different person, you can tell it off. You know. Well, I went with Leon. So I saw me brain. Black brains around here.

The brothers. So you know when you wake up and you got like, oh, today's gonna be shit, I haven't slept well. You go, no, Leon, that's not fair. I've just woke up. You get sections for that. Do you say it out loud? Is it out loud or is it, you just quietly say-

No, Leon, I feel all right. All your housemates are like, he's losing it again. Yeah, so. What are you going with, Dan? Esmeralda. Are you going with a woman? Yeah. Spanish woman?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do the accent though just because you... Pipe down, bird. The idea is that you, it's a separate sort of person, but you love them. They're still you, but they're like, you can separate. So like if your brain's like, oh, I feel like shit. You're like, hey, I've only just woke up, Leon. That's not the attitude we need for today. We've got a big meeting.

Got the fucking execs coming in to discuss the fiscal quarter. Now you can't use your own. It's also changed his life. When does he ever have a fiscal quarter? Oh, he's always fiscal quarter. When's the fiscal quarter? Little fucking little Leon. April is the first one till June. Yeah. When do we pay our taxes? The company? When do we pay our? July. Oh, he does know. Good guess. Leon sawed you right out there with that. So you can't call you. You can't go, Hey, come on Adam. Because then you like your arms and think, Oh shit, we've got to get into action. Oh my God. I started walking. It's just a psychological thing.

I like it. Like you want to look after yourself. Like a lot of people find it easier to look after people they love rather than themselves. Don't they? They find it easier to take care of someone you care about rather than you. So if you name your brain something else, it's like, Hey, I'll look after you. Let's go for a walk. I know you feel like shit up there, Leon,

but my legs are sound. Round the park, brother. I'm in the park. That's my elder, Leon. Dick's called Vinny. Your brain's called Leon. Where are we going, fucking? Bertie.

What? Bertie. Bertie? How old's your brain? Sounds old. Sounds like a- It's either six or 24, or 94. Oh yeah, it's one of the ones that's come up.

Bertie, let's go for a walk. Bertie. That's a dog. Yeah. I'm going to treat my brain like a dog. I'll give it some treats occasionally when it asks for him. He meant drugs. I'm kind of obsessed with like how names come back, you know, like come back into fashion. Waiting on Linda. Yeah. But like I know quite a young Linda. How younger Linda? She's in her thirties. No, I'm talking about who's naming their babies Linda right now. It's coming back.

But I think once there is a Linda in a fucking nursery somewhere, then we have, we've jumped the shark on. We've gone right back to our parents names because grandparent names are being done now, aren't they? Yeah. Like my, my Nana was called Frieda and no one my age is, there was no girls my age called Frieda. There's no babies called Frieda now. Yeah. There absolutely is. Yeah. Etta's an old fashioned name. Some of the names that have gone extinct in the past couple of years. I guess some, yeah, go on. Are they male or female? I've only got five in this list. Are they all men or? There is. There can't be many Garys. Three males.

Surely Peter's gone. I think Peter's. I think once you've mess with the disciples. Yeah, religious. They reckon Gary's going to be extinct. Gary Neville's like the youngest one, isn't he? So when he dies, it's done. Barry. Barry's gone.

Barry's gone. Barry's gone. Larry? That's not on the list, but Barry, Beverly, Gale, Gertrude and Graham. Gale feels like it could be one. Yeah, Graham. You can't have a baby Graham now. Baby Gary and... The little twins.

Gary and Graham. Where's Graham? Are you coming to Graham's christening? I'm surprised to not see Keith on there. Uh Keith, Keith is on there. There's also uh Nigel, Ian, uh Horace. It feels like Horace is one that could go. I think Horace could be coming back. Yeah. Like Leonard was gone for a long time but Lenny's back in it. Yeah, Leonard's gone. My granddad's name. Leonard's death. Yeah. 100% Carol. Yeah. Little baby carol. To me, these are our mums. These are like mom names aren't they? Linda, Jill, Carol,

Cathy. No, Cathy. I think Catherine, Catherine still, Catherine still. But Leslie, there's no Leslie's. Yeah. I think that's cause it's too close to lesbian and lesbians are a much bigger deal now than they were back in the day. Leslie, Leslie, they are the one thing taking over. What do you mean? Parliament, the morning, the morning view. Yeah. I think years ago women just used to like muffed I've in secret and yeah, but now they're like, I mean, the gay community did have to, it was illegal, wasn't it? So you had to keep it. It's mad that at one point the government could tell you what you can put your cock in. That's your lifetime, isn't it? No, fuck

you. Is it genuinely is it not gay marriage? Yeah. Gay marriage. No, what's the thing that brought in where they weren't allowed to promote it in schools? You have to do it. You're a lesbian. 26. I want to say you pulling out factors. Section 26. What you're on about? Is it section? I'm sure it was 1967, 68. No, that's not. Oh my God. That's about re re buying your council house. What are you in for sucking cock? You can buy your council house, but not if you're a lesbian. Section 28, sorry. Until it was introduced in 1988, you weren't allowed to promote homosexuality in school. Yeah. And we all agree with that. What's that got to do with my lifetime? What? That's in your lifetime. Being alive when being gay was introduced in 1988. Repressed. Right. You were 29 by the constabulary.

29 years old and gay. But after that I was like, oh, Maggie says I'm alright. No, but isn't it like really interesting, especially because like this is a conservative country generally speaking, like if you look at historically the way it votes, it's always sort of... Yeah, middle England, they love a bit of it. Like the... For shame.

The left-wing governments are like a little holiday, aren't they? It's normally a punishment when the Tories fuck it up. Just basically been three holidays. Yeah. So it's quite- But like, conservative governments, am I right in thinking just like,

there's a lot more, or is this American that I'm thinking of? Like it's a lot more freedom, like you don't I'm thinking of? Like it's a lot more freedom. Like you don't tell me what to do with my life. Libertarian. Yeah. Yeah. Less tax, more freedoms. And isn't it mad.

Fuck the poor. That like at some point, two consenting adults where like it was illegal for like me to suck you up. Like I couldn't put a cock that wanted to be in my mouth in my mouth. Yes, yeah. I love it. I love how you're seeing it. Years of repression and then also gay rights like I couldn't suck a cock that I wanted to suck. No, but I mean it's just two people in it. It's just two people like fucking each other in the arse. And they're like, you can, I don't think

you should do that. Like I could have been in Aberdeen or like the Inverness, the farthest part of the UK from London. And some fella in London in a suit was like on the blower going, hey, no bumming you. That's what they did. They have a government official ring Inverness. You're no bumming up there. I was just mad though, 600 miles away. Me and you've got our cocks out.

We could have our cocks out in the same room. the second I touch it, London's on the blower, pack it in. And then what, Civil Unions was what, 2005? That was the first. That old recent one, yeah. They went pop idol. I think, I think Jonathan Mayer was like the first one, Maridis partner, Liam. Oh, Civil Partnerships.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was like big on the news, wasn't it? I guess it was 2004, Lee. Oh, civil partnerships. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it was like big on the news on a guess. It was 2004, 2005, 2005, December the fifth. Nice. In America, if you have a baby, you don't want you've got to keep it in America. If you're pregnant, you're not allowed to get rid of it. Is that federal law now or is it just some States? They gave it back to the States. So what does that mean? It means if you're in the wrong state. Isn't like majority state like majority of states though? No. No. It's just a very, very small minority. Who I think. Now, but like they're trying to change it so that if you live in one of those states you can't even drive. Now that's when you listen I'm no Tory but that's when you listen, I'm no Tory, but that's when you start going, Hey, could you

fuck off out of my life a bit? Like into I'm pregnant. I don't want to. So when, when the lockdown happened, there was a couple of older comics who sort of lost their mind a little bit. Yeah. And afterwards you could see it in their stand up for a good three years where you're like, this is mess with you.

Cause they were like late forties, 50 years old, just at the prime of their life. I am a, an independent dad. I'm like a bloke. There's just nothing about them accepted that a government could tell them to stay indoors. Like it fucked with their sense of freedom. And although there was a greater concern of like,

oh, the hospitals are struggling and everything. You can see the point of like, what authority does a government that we've elected democratically have to go, stay in your fucking house or the police will come around. That's like, I get that COVID people were dying. There was a collective fear and it was for the greater good. But I can also see why some people were like,

fuck off, because it's a dangerous precedent to set, isn't it? We weren't living here when it was happening. And the laws over in Japan were, so after World War II, they lost the civil laws where they can tell people what to do, like our government. But they were like, hey, can you all just stay in? Because it's dangerous.

And because there's such a kind of society that doesn't do it at all, basically, they were like, Hey, can you all just stay in? Cause you know, it's dangerous. And because there's such like a kind of good way of society that doesn't at all, basically they were like, yeah, quite conformist. They were like, yeah, cool. You know, we're, we're the collective. We'll look after each other. And cause me and said, I could over there and where no necessarily, we were going out and doing whatever we wanted. And we were getting judged massively. People were like, why are you traveling? We were like, cause we fucking want to. And also you're foreign in a, in like clearly foreign. You're not ruining that with some bathroom china. Yeah. Like, don't go over, like, and go over there. Like it's fine. If you're legally letting me and just like, please don't,

then it's, it's on me. Isn't it? I get sick. I mean, obviously if I'm spreading it, that's bad. But yeah, but that's the, that's the problem. It's not you that gets sick. It's if you pass it on to some, like, I get the reasoning of why a lockdown was justified, but I also understand why some old boys were like, who the fuck is telling me to stay in my house? I don't think it'll happen again. I don't think they'd get the conformity by everyone. I think everyone would go, even on the second lockdown, it was so much looser. Do you know, like a lot of the conspiracy theorists people

are like, ah, that was a test to see if we'd listened to them that. That was like a test of like conformity of compliance. If they're right, let's just live in the world where they are and that was a test. They've absolutely fucked it because of all the sorts of bullshit around it and all the stuff that come out afterwards

about like, you know, the different information on how sort of infectious thing was, the vaccine stuff that like, you know, there's obviously a lot of people who went really mental on it. Like they're putting microchips in everyone and they wanna watch us going on Tesco. But then there was also like,

it was probably rushed a little bit too soon and it wasn't tested to the level. Do you regret getting the vaccine? Do you wish you hadn't got it? Because now I mean, I got it. I basically got it. So I can go on Aldi. But now if I got it so I could support John Bishop, basically, I think if now they went right, you can go back and not have it. I think I'd go back and not have it. And that sounds mad because I'm not an anti-vaxxer at all. So why? Because we don't know what what happens in the future. And if you wasn't 30 So why? Because we don't know what happens in the future. It wasn't tested for 20 years. We don't know.

Well, they were like, oh, it could take five years for a vaccine and then it was 18 months, wasn't it? I don't know. I just feel like it didn't. I mean, it's a very selfish way to act. It didn't affect me enough that I feel like I needed it, but I've had it now and it's whatever, but sometimes not regret it, but I'm like,

I wonder if I go back home again. I felt pretty horrendous after the second one after the second job. I felt worse when I had Covid though. I felt very similar. I was apart from that one night I did go to the hospital. Yeah I mean there's that, but I do think that if there was another pandemic, people would have to be literally dropping dead in front of people in the street for the government to have any ability to go, hey, you all need to stay in. I think if it was similar to the last one,

people would just be like, no, no, no, no, no. What was the thing? Heard immunity, immunity. That was the, hey, let's all just get it. I think everyone, no, no, no. What was the thing? Heard immunity. Yeah. Immunity. That was the, Hey, let's all get it. I think everyone just go, we'll get it. Yeah. That herd immunity didn't like, it's still people are going to die though. Oh yeah. Like, that's just, people just said it would have to be so much worse. Sometimes I think about the second world war, you know, before you go to sleep, before I go to sleep. Imagine if we all got conscripted like they did back then, like it was like, oh shit,

you've got to come and fight this war. I just cannot see how in 2025 they'd get what they need from an army. Conscientious objection, legal Conscientious objection. Was it illegal? Yeah, I think it was. But you would be shunned. Like you going, oh I could, but I'm not. That is, you're ostracized from society. You'd, like your family, your friends,

that's such a fucking bold move. Where every 18, 19, 20 year old right up to like the thirties is going fighting and dying. And you're like, nah, mate, not into war. When it's Hitler on the other side, just feels like the, our minds have changed a lot since then. We were like, yeah, no, back then there wasn't much to do, was there? They wouldn't ever need that though anymore, would they? They wouldn't need boots on the ground. No, they got weapons that mean they don't need it. Was it illegal? I think it was back in the day, but it's not anymore.

Yeah, no, it's not now. I just don't think you could get young men or women in this country to go, yeah, let's all do it. There's such a seed change to you've got to look after you've got to like the collective feeling of like we're British and we're in a fight like that's gone. It's so much more independent thought going on. I would say you're not going to go. That'd be great. Wouldn't it? Right. Come and fight for your country. My Mrs says I can't play back then. The wise would like, go make me proud and Lord like, you know, fucking go and got two kids. Make me proud. Well, it will be that one. It'd

be like, make it like, let's make the family like someone's they all wanted to go. My granddad, my dad's dad, pop was, uh, was too young and he basically turned 18 in like late 1945. He was fucking gutted because he's two older brothers had gone. He was dying to go and join the Navy and then did. He still like he was like he joined because there was such a turnaround of like troops and sailors and whatnot. And I think he was, I think he did two years and ended up stationed in the near Edinburgh. Maybe he was just lying though. Maybe like his two brothers had gone and he was just like, ah, go to, I can't go.

And then everyone was like, you really wanted that, didn't you, Pop? And he's like, yeah, I'm fucking gutted. You go though. I'm fucking gutted. And then after the war's gone, he's like, ah, see, I wasn't gonna roll along. And essentially he was just on a boat in Edinburgh

for the bit. In their head, they were like, it's a boys holiday. We've got to do it. It's literally like playing for the school or something. Everyone was doing it. You'd all, once enough of your mates were doing it. It's literally like, like playing for the school or something. Everyone was doing it. You'd all, once enough of your mates were doing it. You wouldn't go. It would have to be such. If you got a letter through the thing now, it was like, right, there's a war happening. We need you. And everyone's going. He's going. I'm going. Finn's going. Steve's going. You're

telling me you're going in. You've got to see it through a different, like, lens. He would stay in his house. Why would they go? That's what I'm saying about. I don't think it could happen now. Totally. But in 1940, I'm sorry. I'm talking now back then, of course, have they gone? Yeah. I think, but, but you're like, no, I'm just the kind of person that wouldn't. I think, I just don't think we can put ourselves in the shoes of those. And it was just young men that went,

you went, it was what you did. It was what all your mates were doing. It's what your brothers were doing. And your dad would be like, yeah, you're going. Like, I think there was such pressure to be like, you go and fucking fight the evil. It was so black and white. But like, it would have to be something like that now, wouldn't it?

It'd have to be the new Hitler, Nittler. I mean, Putin's not a fucking walk in the park, is he? But it like... It'd have to be, right? We're not using the big weapons. You're not going to... That's what's happening at the moment, isn't it? There is a fucking war and everyone's going, let's not use the big ones. Because they could. Everyone could.

Yeah, but even now, the fucking weapons, like the small ones are still like, but it was like, it's just hands on bash. Oh, it's just a dust up. We're just doing a traveler call out for going. Come on you big fucking death badge you bastard. 200,000 men from each country go. Would you sign up? Do they want me in that 200,000? So this is the question. I can't head a football, leather football. When I was a kid, it gave me a sore brain. Convinced of it. 200,000, one month.

I've been punched like twice in my life. Once by a Scully from Avnum, once by my mate Sean. That didn't end well. I don't think I landed a punch. Why am I needed in a 200,000? You know, am I a great ad there? Quite wily. I'm wily.

So what? 199,999. They all run towards. I'm like. You're wearing your Rolex. I don't think I'm a great ad to the team. If there's 200K going, like at 44. You know what, you've got streets march,

you've got kids going, yeah, you're going, no, hang back, lad, kick him in the shins. He hasn't got streets march. No, he hasn't. I grew up in Penn with them. I don't know if you've seen it. Really leafy. I'm not going. Fuck that mate. Even if it was like new Hitler, what am I going to do? New Hitler. New labor. What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Things can only get redded. I'd get them. Have you seen India and Pakistan are kicking off by the way?

Oh, here we go. We're doing the news. Are they, yeah? With each other? Did you not see that last night? I watched the 40 last night. Oh, that was pretty horrific. So, terrorist attack.

Oh, shit. Oh, is that the one where the fella does the zip line over there? I've seen it, yeah. Such the most mental video. Was this called a mental video. It was, wasn't it? What do you mean? I don't know whether we've seen different things. If you're not seeing it with a fellow zip line and over there, he doesn't realize. No, everyone's getting shot. What did you say? There's an attack. I can't remember the India bombed Pakistan last night.

Yeah. In response to that attack from two weeks ago. Oh. It's heightened the tension. It's like, by the way, if Pakistan had been up each of those assholes for fucking years. It looks like he's like zip line over like a golf course and there's loads of people below and he's like,

weeeee. But then if you look, there's people just getting shot on the floor. Yeah, it's a mental. Right, well, last night, India bombed and targeted mosques that the, that terror cell works out of. That's what they've claimed. Um, but yeah, they were using air strikes and then Pakistan have said, right, well, we're gonna

come back at you now, but they're both nuclear powers and that could kick off. I rather quickly. Is it, is there a person who's going, Hey, no, is there like a big boss that isn't, is there? The UN? Well, Trump thinks he's that, don't he? You know what I mean? He needs to be like, yeah, okay, calm down. You can scrap, but don't be using the big toys. Yeah, but that's not really Trump's vibe, is it?

He's like, well, I'm not doing it. So Europe needs to step up and support Ukraine because I'm not fucking doing it. He's basically undermined NATO, wasn't he? So there now are pressure points in the world, aren't there, like these flair points. Gaza, China, Kiev. Well, China's not happened yet. But when they invade Taiwan, which I'm convinced will happen, and now is it Kashmir basically? It's a lot of restraint, isn't it, to not press the nuclear button. Enjoy your breakfast everyone. Doesn't everyone lose then?

Yeah. Everyone loses surely. As soon as the first one's gone it's like right it's just the beginning of the end no? Anyway I've named me brain. Leon. Nice name. I'm going to say this to Esmeralda. Don't think about any of that for a bit. You'll just feel stressed. I can't listen to the rest is politics. I can listen to the rest is history. Rest is history. I'm like, la la la la. Ooh, Russia in 1682. I know this ends fine to an extent. With the rest is politics.

Isn't the rest is history just the rest is politics from ages ago though? It's like a repeat. Thing is, I know that I don't die in the rest is history. I know that I still get born and live quite a nice life and podcast with you. And the rest is politics. I don't know how it ends. But do you not think, do you not just always think everything's going to be all right? I know we're very privileged to say that living in this country and it's safe and there's

places that isn't. Yeah and also every generation has gone fuck It's gone the world's gone mad on it and there's obviously periods where it's gone more mountain every is gonna be alright for us that's what I mean, it's very pretty like it is you can from isn't it just is because Because and this is me speaking with absolutely no authority whatsoever, by the way, and no real knowledge, but my, from the stuff I've read and watched and seen, the two countries that could possibly fuck with us are Russia and China.

And because we're allied to America, like very, very closely, as much as Trump is like doing this tariff thing, whatever, like that would immediately become a big problem for Russia and China. like very, very closely as much as Trump is like doing this tariff thing, whatever, like that would immediately become a big problem for Russia and China. So no one really wants that beef. That's the big one in it. Yeah. We're pretty sweet with China in terms of trade. Yeah. So like, we will be okay, but it is a pretty terrific time. But my first thought last night

when I seen a lot of was Shruti, like, yeah, she lives time. My first thought last night when I seen Olakechonoff was Shruti. Yeah, she lives there. Like she's in the- I know India is massive, but- And she's in the safest place possible within India. Is Mumbai not a hotspot now? I mean, I suppose it could be for anything,

but she's way south, isn't she? But then again, it's a major, it's like the biggest city in it, or one of the two. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, listen, it's been worse on it. There's been a point where they were telling people to duck under tables and cover the red, you know, in case of the nuclear bomb that went off in their car park. It was a 14% chance that you were born in India. It's not now. That is pretty low chance. I was born in 14%. I was born above the font.

Cause my, you know why, you know why it was a bit random? It's because my mum was from Blackpool and my dad was from Preston. But I think that reduced my percentage chances. But I'm saying in terms of the population that's ever lived, 14% chance that you were Indian. Obviously you're not. A really way, random way of looking at that. This is Carl's really bad use of statistics.

No, you know, it's mad that you're not Chinese. Look at the numbers. So I'll just look at the door and like someone's just born in a war zone and we went. Yeah. Have we smoked a split? Yeah. Have we smoked a split? Is the weed in the gasoline? Do you know what guys? I think just world leaders should take pills and like sit around like get, oh my God, the amount of times I had that fucking chat and after party. I was the victim of a crime this morning. What? I was a victim of a crime. Oh, where we got this is going to be like when you got sectioned. Exactly the same. By the way, if you're not a patron, patreon.com slash have a web pod. Carl told us about the sexual assault this week. He got a massage and she focused on his butt cheeks. And then afterwards he

said my ass felt great. Listen, I'll shave a bit off. It wasn't an assault, but it wasn't nice. Right. What was the crime today? Theft. Right. And who left the car open?

Hang on. Whoa. That's victim blaming. That's not okay. And also- He left his car open overnight. Yeah, but that's still victim blaming. I am victim blaming, yeah.

He left his car open in Highton. Come on, bro. What do you mean left? It doesn't matter. Yeah, it does. No, it doesn't. That doesn't invite criminals. Do you know where you live? You left the car open so it diminishes my sympathy for you. If your car had been smashed, the window had been smashed in, I'd feel worse about your situation. Obviously. What's like they steal from your car. So I got in my car and what I've done is I'd done a big shop yesterday. So I'm ferrying to the car and I'm seeing the last one. I forgot to lock it. Um, but I said, Oh fuck, I've not my car. What an idiot got in and driving a KFC car. So it's, it's pretty empty anyway. And I get in like driving. Okay. I fancy a

tick tack. I've got the new strawberry TikToks, like the great. So I put... Hashtag not an ad. I put me... I lift me sense of Consolo and it's empty. And I'm like, where the fuck have I put my TikTok? What an idiot. Like, live there. And then I've gone, hang on, my door was open. Hang on, my sunglasses have gone as well.

You're more upset about the TikToks than the sunglasses? And my palm coin. Right. Oh, for the trolley? You're more upset about the TikToks than the sunglasses. And my pound coin. Right. All for the trolley? No, I've got one of them on my keys. It's for the slow-punch that I've got in the car. Cool guy. Yeah.

And they've stolen my new Ray-Bans. My TikToks. By the way, do you know later on when you get home and you find your TikToks and your Ray-Bans on the kitchen counter and not on just... What about the pound coin? It's the pound coin. making me know it's that I've not moved it. Why I wouldn't take the pound coin? I know. Did you use the pound coin? First of all, I believe men when they say they've been a victim of a crime. You know what I mean? But I don't believe you. What do you mean you don't believe me? They're not dead anymore. I just don't believe that someone's

broken into your car to take sunglasses and tic tacs. By the way, is it breaking? Is it breaking? No, they've been trying doors. Oh yeah. Is that breaking in if they just open it? Yeah, the door tryers of heightened. Yeah.

Is it? Do you know how common that is that people try doors? And it's the fact they've talked to tic tacs. No, they've opened a sense console and gone, hey, sonny's here. It is Adam, even thieves know that they're great those strawberry ones. They put me on, ah, they'll do as well. I'd steal a tic tacs, they're great. No one wants to be a thief with bad breath and only two calories. So yeah, I've lost me Sonny's and victim of a crime.

Did they break in? Did they break in? I mean, if you've left the car door open. They didn't even open it, it was unlocked. Right, if you've left it car door open, I didn't even open it was unlocked. Right, if you've left it unlocked, is that breaking and entering or is it just entering? It's just entering. You know the answer. Does it mean it's not illegal, Dan? We're going to get you through. You leave the front door open and someone takes your couch, you're not allowed. Is it illegal to get in someone's car? Is it illegal? Probably not, no, but still things aren't yours yet. And if

someone was in your car and said, hey, can I have a tech talk? Would you let them have a tech talk? Three to five years. If I came out of my house and they were sat in the car, I could get off the fuck out of my car. I was saying if you, if you came into your, you have the phone door open. Someone sat on the couch. Can I have a brew? Yeah. If they take the couch though, you can't claim on insurance. Yeah, it is a crime, but you're a twat, so you don't get the money back. You can't claim for the TikToks, can you? No. How many was in the box? I don't know.

It's more the sunnies, innit? I think you just need to get over it, lad. It happened today. It happened? Probably like... I didn't know, it's just an hour and a half ago. Just lick your wounds, lad. You've lost some sunglasses, you deserve to lose them It happened probably like, I didn't notice, and now it happened though. Just lick your wounds, lad. You've lost some sunglasses, you deserve to lose them

because you left your car open. I feel like that too a little bit. You deserve it. It's tax isn't it? You live your life. Dickhead tax, like if that didn't happen, you wouldn't have learnt your lesson, you'd left it open again,

you'll never leave that car open ever again. It's tax. Luckily, I've got loads of stuff in the boot. Rookery. Rookery. It's tic tac tax. They didn't access the boot. What could they? Rookery. It's Tic Tac Tacs. They didn't access the boot.

What could they have had? Here's what you could have won. So I haven't emptied it from the wedding so I've got three pairs of Docs, a pair of Bakes and a suit. There's some stupid thieves. The suit is not meant to be. What? No, no, my suit.

All right. Good God. Close call. Hey, you should go around trying boots. Shot. Yeah, nice. I'm just upset. Cool. Hey, you should go around trying boots. Shot. Yeah, nice. I'm just upset. I'm allowed to be upset when someone stole something I own.

Browsed it on yourself. I'm with Dan. Me and Dan are victim blamers now. I did my dissertation on victim blaming. Oh, I thought of you. I bought a tangle tease. Good, Andy. What kind? Like a little handheld one or the... Do you not question why I need a tangle tease? A tangle tease? Oh, yeah. A tangle tease?

A tangle tease? A hairbrush? Yeah. Why? I scratched my back with Etta's tangletease and it's the best back scratcher. Oh my God! Why don't they just sell it as fucking Fat Man back scratcher? They could make you cum. Great hip hop artist. Scratch your legs with it. Etta was like, daddy please stop doing that with my brush. I was like right cool I will, that is out of order. Me going oh god, fuck me I bought one. It's coming tomorrow. Why didn't you brush your head? Probably feel nice as well. It's sensitive. Yeah. Have you got a sensitive head? A little thin skin. That's because you always wear it out. Yeah, it is. I need to toughen it up.

Get it in the sun. Your bellend, isn't it? Your bellend skin is dead tough. Ours isn't. Get it in the bell and then your balance skins that tough. Ours isn't because we put hats on ours. And for skin. So we went from the nuclear Armageddon that's threatened around the world to four skins pretty quickly. Can't wait to get my tangle. T's what color did you go black mate? I can't get a pink one. I, uh, then we're arguing about who's tangled. It is. It's break time. Did you get one with a hand? It's a fucking break time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Let's have an interval tape it to a mop so you can reach your arsehole. You can just go this way. No, but like what about the, you know, like the bottom of your back.

Tail well. You can, you can touch the bottom of your back right now. Oh yeah. We needed this break 45 seconds ago. Time to check on the skies. It's another sunny day in Calgary. Forecast calls for high levels of economic activity. Time to check on the skies! It's another sunny day in Calgary. Forecast calls for high levels of economic activity.

Late afternoon we've got a burst of potential in a place ranked North America's most livable city. Tomorrow, blue sky thinking in the blue sky city should hold steady. And the outlook remains optimistic throughout the week. So come grab your dreams and enjoy watching them take hold. It's possible in Calgary, the blue sky city. For the full economic forecast, visit calgaryeconomicdevelopment.com.

You should sign up to our Patreon. It's one of the biggest in the world, the biggest in the UK for a reason. Exclusive episode every Wednesday, video and audio. Early release of the public episode on video. You get it Saturday morning instead of Monday. And then all of the back catalog of all of those things, but also the specials.

And we have done nearly 50 now. Let's say over 50 probably. It's a lot of extra content. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. Drive a new special every single month. Pow. You know. Next month is the survival special.

Every month, the Patreon gets more valuable. This month is the survival special. Oh God, it's May, isn't it? Oh shit, yeah, this month is the survival special. There you go, forgot. Wow, it's May. Shall we do... The years?

Dust, innit? 35% on the years. Closer to the NFL season. There you go, forgot. Wow, it's May. Shall we do... The years? Dust, innit? 35% on the years. Closer to the NFL season. I want to go to an NFL game in America this year at the Philadelphia Eagles stadium. That's my plan. Yeah, they're pretty good. Winter season, September to February.

Gihad Campbell was their first round pick. I mean, he's got to be good. He's got to have something about him. Old Jihad. I put a Jihad on you. And they nearly traded up. It was the draft recently, yeah. Fucking Howie Roseman, mate. The Eagles are such a good franchise. Was the draft recent? I don't even know. The draft was a week or two ago. Shudder Sanders, son of absolute Hall of Fame player Deion Sanders, was men ago. Melkai the or it's not the best year of people. Some, a draft analyst said this draft was like, if players in the draft are things you need in the house, this was like a utility room draft where you get,

yeah, you get like a tumble dryer. You're not excited by it. Yeah, you're not getting like the big TV or a new couch. Your Miami Dolphins have drafted a second choice quarterback from my Texas Longhorns. Cheers mate, is he good? He's good, he's not good enough. What's his name? It was Uaz. Uaz? Is he like Cher? He's alright, he'll be fine. He sort of flapped it a bit towards the end of the season with the Texas Longhorns members like I'm declaring for the draft and everyone's like do you not just want to do another year

of college football? He's like even less people will want me if I do that so I'm going this year. So you're going Eagles, are we going to try and get to Dublin for the Steelers? Yeah. Until October? Probably. I don't think it's been announced. I mean us and the whole of Ireland and a

lot of Europe will want to go, but we could maybe make that happen. That would be one of my favorite places in the world. My favorite thing. That would be good. I do enjoy going to your favorite thing. You'll be there. You'll be in bed. So you'll put him on the wall. Yeah. She just let me do cocaine again. Who, your brain? Esmeralda. Esmeralda. She's like, no, no, you can't have it. No.

That's how she speaks, my brain. Why are you tired? You want to look at bundles and sexy things on the internet. Question? That's the trailer. Sean Grafton says, Joe Wicks came on the TV the other day and my missus randomly announced she'd be gutted if he ever got outed as a wrong gun. Made me think what celebrities would you be gutted to find out about if they had allegations against them?

Some Shaunie June? Russell Brand. If anything ever comes up. Adam, we have to blake you that out here. It's happened. What's he been accused of? He's you. Russell Brand. If anything ever comes up. Adam, do you know? I'm saying. You're going to have to break your heart here. It's happened. What? You've been accused of that?

It's been in the news. The worst, one of the worst ones. It's been. Ultra-Pole. And he's just denying it and living in America. I think Tottenham's a join-arst. It's like, yeah. Sol Campbell.

It's horrific. Sol Campbell. I think Philip Schofield's mine. Because he's just part of my childhood. Dad, again, a couple of years ago, we got outed. Oh, I've just remembered. No, he groomed a... A runner ago, we got outed. Oh, I've just remembered. No, he groomed a teenager. God, I need to check Twitter.

And Russell Brand's a rapist. No, no, no. I put Harvey Weinstein because I just love the films. No, a lot of women in Hollywood, I hear them have been a bad guy. I think the financier, Jeffrey Epstein. The New York financier, apparently he suicide himself, but he didn't.

I see a TikTok today of a woman who is accusing Larry David. That made me think I rarely open up. Laza? No one's ever come. That's a bad one, that, innit. Because it ruins. Not that the others are like, yay. But like that's heartbreak. There's surely the, the goat of all. Come on. We all think. Yeah. I think Tom Hanks for the same reason as Larry David. I think he's been accused for years. No, he's not. Yeah. What? No, we're not doing Peter gate. He was part of Peter gate. We're not. No, genuinely he was. No, that's listen.

That is high end eating children on pizza conspiracy. I'm talking wrong and allegations like that. I'm going, do you think Peter gate was actually the meeting kids? Well, go on. It's a gate was the bad allegations. They just use pizzas at the cover. Right. Yeah. But there's a child pedophile ring of celebrities and illuminati. Yeah. Any pizza place in Washington DC. Yeah. Right. And Tom making fucking little Johnny pizza. Oh, I honestly, I've listened to so much conspiracy that I was like, they're the chopping up. I'll have to Margarita with a kid waiting to be born. It needs to be something that isn't commonly. Oh, 12 inches. Tom Hanks is accused in certain

circles. Yeah. I'm not, that's not a proper allegation. I'm not having that. No, no. When I think Tom Hanks, I think bad guy. Fuck off. You watch too many fucking- I don't watch TikTok. I watch TikTok. YouTubes. Yeah, I watch YouTube. No, not Tom. Don't do it to me.

Yeah, but what you're saying is you open, it's never out there that he might be doing something bad and it already is. Graham Soonus. That wouldn't bother me. Would that ruin your morning? Or not even like? If Graham Sooners. Yeah.

Roy Keane. Roy Keane would be a bad one. That would be gone because he's so like salt of the earth. Come on brother. He's such a man of integrity, isn't he? Like he's got his moral and even if you don't agree with the way he sees the world and the way he acts, he's everything he says and does is based on, no, you do your job. Straight down the line.

Yeah, it's all. And he's like, who knew he was this funny? Yeah. He's fucking class. Roy Keane would be up there. Michael Jordan is one that would upset me because I think he'd be, if it came out that he was a pedophile,

I think he's so competitive that he'd try and be the best pedophile ever. He'd never be Michael Jackson. Michael Jordan's got such a competitive nature and also I'd have to give up two pairs of shoes. No, I don't think is Jackson the goat? Savile surely I'll go to them. No, no, no. Jackson's the one you want to be paedophile by. I think Jordan sees those numbers and just smashes them, mate. This is a rough episode. This is your first one. If you're a Kyla Cobbler fan, by the way, welcome to the show. Skip it, Ed.

Surely there's going to be lots of British national treasures. Yeah, David Tennant. That was exactly what I want. Michael Sheen, David Tennant. Oh, no. The magic. You can't say it. Michael Sheen.

Nigella Lawson would be bad for me because I wish I'd be, I'd wish she'd abuse me. Whoa. You can't be abused though, can you? By Nigella Lawson. You're older than she is. You're older than she is and you want it. No, she's not. She's about 16. She's about 16. I don't need it. You just want to fuck Nigella Lawson. That's not being abused. I'd leave the fucking car unlocked for Nigella. You know what I'm saying? Stealing your TikToks? Oh, I'll give you one. What other national titles are there? I wouldn't give a fuck. Come on. Steve McManus?

We'll have a fiddle. Course we'll have a fiddle. Look at that fledge. Who was that? I don't know what that was. What? Who was that? We'll have a look.? We'll have a look. Course we'll have a look. It sounded like Yorkshire though. I know, sorry.

Well I'm a fiddle. I'm Steve McManaman. Steve McManaman. We'll have fiddle. Fiddle we'll have. Motson, but he's dead, isn't he? Motson would have been one of them. John Motson dead, I thought he was just like...

Are we doing dead people as well though? Oh, Jesus Christ, that'd be a shock, wouldn't it? To a lot of fucking, that'd be great. No, like, yeah, I'm thinking that, I'm just thinking national treasures, who are the already known ones. Do you know where I was walking through Sefton Park a couple of years ago, drove all the way there from ours,

took me hours. And I was walking through the park and there was like a fucking Jesus shagger. You know, the fucking, yeah, and he came and he sold putties so that you could have putties. You know, that fucking, the pictures. Yeah. And the she-ers.

But as he was doing it, a fellow walked past him, right? And he's like preaching the good word of Jesus. And this was a goth as well. And he went, Jesus used prostitutes actually. And he just carried on walking. And I remember trying to like do a stand up bit about this. Just how like even Jesus in this fellow's head is like fallible.

Cancelable. Do you know what I mean? He's like, no, you can say, he can cure as many lepers and blindness and give everyone fucking scran on the birthday and save everyone's sins, but he paid for a pussy. So not for me. And he didn't recycle. Disgusting.

Well, anybody's felt like Mr. Beast, he's done loads, hasn't he? Like he's cured the blind and all that. So he's just one bad thing. I was like, he is the fucking devil. His smile really freaks me out. Yeah, he's not human, is he? But he does good things for the world.

You seen him smile? Yeah, I have. Etta's into, was it Beast Challenge? He doesn't smile, there's our names. Beast Games. She loved it. That's also something that you could put Michael Jordan and Michael Jackson together against each other in.

Beast Games, who can beast the most kids? I'm trying to think of others, like Bridges, Kevin Bridges. What? I can't. You can't say someone you know. What are we doing? You can't do someone we know and like.

Yeah, you. That's terrible. Do you know what the question is? What? The question is the people you would not like to see come out, is it? Oh, all right. I think we're bringing it a bit close to home

when we're bringing bridges into it. You, Dan. Like we know him. Yeah, all of us. Wouldn't it be a nightmare? Me mum. If it came out my mum was a nonce now, fuck me, that would be a mind blowing revelation.

How she drank. How she drank at the show. Ha ha ha. My mum was a nonce. We're doing another question here. Fucking bridges. Just because, that was a nun. We're doing another question here. Fucking Bridges. That was a good answer. I know he's only one degree away.

He accused Kevin Bridges of shagging kids. But that's the most obvious one. It's someone we sort of know in our industry. It's just too close. Fucking Stee. I'd be gutted if Stee was a nun. I know of course. I'm thinking about national treasures.

What the fuck are you talking about me for? Steve, I'd be gutted if Steve was a nonce. I know, of course. I'm thinking about national treasures. What the fuck are you talking about me for? What I mean is, he's fucking... Steve's too laid back to be a nonce. If the kid didn't want a shotgun, Steve would be like, like this. Yeah. I'm not going to the shop to get you an ice cream.

Go and get it yourself and come here. If they like Lucas though. Tempt her. I just played the confession jingle for absolutely no reason. You still gotta be able to hear the... This is it. Tempt her. I just played the confession jingle for absolutely no reason. Steve, have you got anything you'd like to confess? Oh shit, it's the old one. Boring. Oh, my, I'm having a fucking nightmare. James Ellison says, short and sweet, if you boys were on storage hunters, what would be your call out when bidding on a locker? Cheers lids. What does that mean?

Do you remember storage hunters? I never watched it. I know what it is. You've never watched storage? You fucking- Wow, it's great TV. You wouldn't leave your house for months, you. I think I've seen clips of it.

So it is what happens. Some of the call outs before we- Yep. Money. Money was the best guy. Boom. Victor Blackfella money. One guy shouted, this is the wow factor.

Hammer up. I'm the collector. Yeah! And who need dollar? These are some of the callouts. So, storage hunters is the concept of the show. I know what it is. You bid on a storage thing and see what's in it

and then you go, wow, Pokemon cards. Do you know why they're bidding on it? Do you know what's going on? No. Right, so. People, yeah, whoa, Pokemon cards. Do you know why they're being on it? Do you know what's going on? No. Right, so people, yeah, have loads of shit. Yeah. And they move out or they like, whatever, they're in a, yeah,

or they haven't got enough room in their house. So they put loads of stuff into storage. Then those people either die, go to prison for life, you know, move, go on the run. Forget it's there. Forget all that sort of stuff. So eventually they're like, hey, fucking John's dead. John.

I mean, apparently John had loads of good stuff. So we can fucking probably sell some of the stuff in here. So then they go to these storage rooms of people and they go, hey, you can come in, you can do like a blind bid on this fucking thing. But apparently John used to collect footy stickers and that's where he might have a few full albums in there cause they were in his house, right?

Like fuck off, right? Then they have a big group of them. And then they have like a fellow going, right, like an auctioneer. And then all the storage enters, there's like characters in it. Money, my favorite one. Then there was a couple, wasn't there?

Like an old American couple. I hated them. I wanted both of them fucking dead. But the tall black, money! Like every time he bid, he didn't just go, like, whatever. The fella would be there going like, 50 quid. And he'd go, money! And he, like, whenever he stopped saying money,

he was out. Right. Very, was it, I mean, straight down line, authentic, it hadn't been tampered with, or was it definitely, they'd stuck stuff in there? I mean, how much realism was it? Or did they ever open it up and just go- It was certainly presented that way. Did they just open it up and just go- It was certainly presented that way.

Did they just open it up and go, oh, it's just a load of old paintings. But that did happen a couple of times. People would pay thousands and then it would be worth like 200 quid. Oh, so they built with the door closed? Yeah, blind, blind. That's the best thing.

Bro, first. Sometimes the doors fully closed and sometimes it was open, but they weren't allowed to go in. What's this TV show? Occasion Bias. We're just selling catchphrases, it's closed garages. And then they chop the padlock off with like pliers

and they lift it and everyone that lost waits around and is watching and if they look at it... Also, sometimes they'd open it and go, right, you can look but you can't go in, you stand, you can't enter it but you can just like have a little nose. But then, like some of them would be like, you'd see like the couple or whatever they'd be talking, they'd be like, fucking hell, look at that.

That is the best lawnmower on the planet. That and no one else has clocked that lawnmower. That lawnmower was worth two million quid. Wow. And the other storage hunters haven't seen the two million pound lawnmower. They just haven't missed it. I know what my phrase is then.

Open that door! You've not, you've torn it up. missed it. I know what my phrase is then. Open that door. You've not turned it up. No, but I mean like you've won. That means open the door. I've won. I'm going piff, puff, puff. Bah. Magic. I'm going bingo, gazelle and fliff. You need a shorter one. Open that door. You're going to get outbid. OK, well of those three, I'm going to go piff or puff.

That's mine. Bags. You decide. Open that door. Bags. Bags. Open that door. Bags. I'm open now then. Bags, nice.

What's yours? No, it's supposed to be sunshine. Panicked. Sunshine? No, I just wanna understand what happened there. You panicked a Sunshine? No, I just want to understand what happened there. You panicked a bit. Ooh. Open that door.

Bags. Piff. Or pass. Bags. Ooh. A two million pound lawn mower. Open that door. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're on it. Like, the people on the show, they are like, fucking hell, look at that over there, see that little amulet? I've got the other half of that. Separately, they're worth 50 quid together. Two bill. I hadn't even been looking for the other half.

Obviously they've got half the amulet, so it's worth more to them. But then other people like, be like, I think they're bidding because they've got the other half of that amulet. And they'll try and like, sometimes the people would bid even though they didn't want it to try and get other people to go higher but then they end up with a fucking garage they don't want. Oh you keep the storage you keep the place you don't

just get the content. No I mean like did it ever go wrong and they opened it up and like load of illegal immigrants came out. If they're not yours then. Open that door! Oh shit. the biggest find on storage wars was a stash of cash valued at over $7 million. Fucking hell, someone stored money, a drug dealer surely. And the money just gets seized discovered inside a safe within a storage locker purchased for just $500. On the Patreon episode just released, we were talking about bank. Apparently a guy who sells cars like you can't sell cars cash. Yeah, someone's like, yeah, they're all over it with money. Yeah, you can't can't sell cars cash. You'd also can't get fucking weed legally.

It happens. I've done it. If you walked into like you just need a car dealer. If you walked into a car dealer shipment of that car,, what's a 12 I'll give you 10 cash. Then I could have got not allowed. Apparently they shoot you on the spot. No, no, no. Kier Starmuth has said no. Fuck off. I'm Kier. What we do with you 7 million. You can't just keep it in the garage. Launder it. Has no one seen breaking bad? He only got to keep 1.2 mil. So it's disappointed really. What? Where did the rest go? It led to a settlement of 1.2 million. Oh, with the family of the storage people. How'd you lose 5.8 million in a settlement?

If it was crime money, maybe. You take it all. Crime money. That all crime money. Finally, that's crime money. Thank you. Well, if you, if you were one of them metal detector nonsense and you're beeping around, I was in session with metal detectors. They were cool, but you know, detecting things. He was obsessed. But if you find like a Viking coin, there's, it's not like if you, a Viking hoard, like a stash, I have icons left off there and forgot.

Yeah. You're not allowed to just keep it, are you? It's too culturally historically significant. So I think you've got to like broker a deal. Yeah, but you could just give a little dropsy to the authenticator fella, couldn't you? He turns up and they're like, hey, we think this might be historically significant. And you go, yeah, it is fucking 40 quid. And he goes, no, it's a load of shite. 40 quid.

Then when you need to sell it you need to authenticate it again. For a hoard of Viking gold probably worth millions. Yeah. Fucking hell 40 quid cash. What a nice one. Yeah that's shite. Oh sorry that's shite actually. Fucking chocolate coins.

You just pull them to one side and you go, listen Billy how much is all this worth? What are you talking? And he goes, hey you're're looking for a fucking two million. You go right. I'll give you a fucking underground when I sell it all. But for now, I need you to sell these cunts. That's a load of shit.

And then Billy goes, yeah, shit this. And then Billy gets his little drops, you know what I mean? Yeah, so two million. So where do you go with your hoard of Viking gold? Where do you think you're selling that? Cash converse? To a different fellow who authenticates it? What? The one with two million quid in his pocket. He's been taking a lot of bongs. That guy

in a vicious circle. Hey, Billy. So yeah, open that open that down. It's just confusing people. It was my granddad's drug stash. Oh, not have a word. I found out what happened to the money. Oh my God, I'm fucking lost today. I found out what happened with the money.

The original owner paid them 1.2 million to give them back the rest of the money. They weren't dead. They just forgot they had seven million in storage. So legally it was theirs. They weren't dead. They just forgot they had seven million in storage. I was sort of legally- What a fucking idiot. Back away. I'll give you one punchy million if I can have that money back.

No? I forgot what that seven million. No. Ah fuck. Babe. Where's my seven million? Have you made my seven million? I thought you bought it in cash,

in the storage. It was here, it was on the bedside table. I can't find my seven mil? I thought you bought it in cash convert in the what store is it? It was here, it was on the bedside table, I can't find me seven mil. It was a check. What did they do the episode after that? Do you know? They had to scrap the episode. What happened? Because I think it was dodgy.

It's looking like it was dodgy. Other finds are they found something that was 900 grand. That was a big one. You've seen only Fusil Norse when they found the watch. Stash of newspapers from the day Elvis died, worth $90,000. Who wants them? I don't know. Some Elvis gimp. There's a few celebrities isn't there that like just everyone got a bit too excited by.

Do you know what I mean? Michael Jackson's one, Elvis is one. The Beatles. The Beatles. No, but I think Beatles mania and like the Beatles as a thing, but like. Individually, no. I don't think people are going round now being like a John Lennon

impersonator or a fucking George Addison impersonator. You know what I mean? It's just, you go to Lark Lane, they're all in Keeps. No, but yeah, but if you go to Smithies, there isn't a fucking Ringo Starr costume. There's an Elvis one. There's a Michael Jackson one. There is no Michael Jackson one.. There's a Michael Jackson one. Yeah, I know what you mean. What?

There isn't some Michael Jackson one. It's just a white glove and some crotchless panties. So, J. Crotchless panties. Is that what he wore? That's quite bang on that. Michael, you've got no, your cock's hanging off. No, I'm just playing with the kids

oh you know I'm just playing with the children is Elvis and metal jackson the most famous people ever hitler the queen yeah people have big into hitler. No, he's maybe the most famous person ever. No, he isn't. Elvis is. No, more people have surely heard of Hitler. Yeah, you learn about it in school, don't you? Yeah. You're pretty wild school if you're doing Elvis lessons. Henry VIII.

That's all. I could strip an Elvis next. This list's mad. It's triple. It's triple. It took three hours of me. Fucking shouldn't have chosen these from the GCSEs. What are you doing? I'm doing art, history and Elvis. IMDB have got a list of the world's most famous people.

Can I get can I guess one? Yeah. Cleopatra. Cominachan. So for some reason this is all well it's because it's IMDB. These are all people that have some sort of film credit. Oh well then. Okay cool.

So Elvis has got to be it. Let's try and get the top 10. Elvis was an actor. So Elvis. Brad Pitt. Elvis is an in here. What?'s try and get the top 10. Elvis was an actor. So Elvis. Brad Pitt. Elvis is an in here. What? He was an actor? Because IMDB is a bit special.

OK, so it's the 10 most famous actors ever. No, because Michael Jackson's number two. What? Can we get a better list? Number two is Michael Jackson, number four Rowan Atkinson. Get a better list. What are you talking about? I suppose Mr Bean Bean is dead.

He's like our biggest export. There's no language. Be team and butter. This list is a bit better. Should we start at 10 or 1? No, let's see if we can get to 10. Go on. Elvis.

Michael Jackson. What's this on? The most famous people ever. Top10.com. Most famous people ever. Elvis, Michael Jackson. Queen Elizabeth. No. What? Wow. Diana?

Yeah. That's mad that the Queen would be fuming with that. The both of them. Be fucking mad at some girl and she's more famous than you. This isn't far off I reckon. Do you think that's the only example where the murder victim's more famous than the murderer? Allegedly. Who's that? No most serial killers. Yeah that's the most serial killers that serial killers more famous. John Lennon, JFK, John Lennon. Oh yeah anyone that's assassinated. Franz Ferdinand. Mark Chapman that one. Franz Ferdinand. Some come back from him. Go on, what have we got so far?

Michael Jackson, Elvis and Diana. JFK? No. Your list sucks balls mate. It doesn't, I'm telling you. Do you want number one? Denzel Washington? No.

Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ is number one. Judas Iscariot? No. Mohammed? Yes Jesus Christ is number one. Eh, Judas Iscariot. No. Mohammed. Yes, number three. Ali. Yeah.

No, normal. What does he look like? Normal? Mohammed normal. Oh, jeez. And I'm Mohammed normal. So says a Turkish person. How can he be famous if he looks like?

Oh, tell us the rest of the list, Finn. All right, so it's in order from one to 10. Jesus Christ, Michael Jackson. I wish we had the top 10. Michael Jackson comes in above the prophet Mohammed. Yes, Mohammed, Adolf Hitler, Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Elvis Presley, Princess Diana, the Buddha, and Barack Obama.

The Buddha? He's like the Wirral. You know what, I, not in them. We're not going to play it now, but that should have been a list of people who were real. Because three of them are fictional. Who were the fictional ones? Jesus, Muhammad, and Buddha. Woah, woah, woah.

Jesus and Muhammad both existed. Do you know what they looked like? Do I know what? They're the most famous people in the world, you have to know what they looked like. You couldn't tell me what any of them people looked like. No, you never met them. Be careful. Is this back to your thing about there not being cameras?

If Jesus walked down Bold Street now, instead of going, oh my god! No. If Elvis did, he'd be like, fuck! He's dead anyway. It depends what he was doing on Bold Street, doesn't it? No, but I think he could be recognizable to be famous. No one knows a bud that looked like. I reckon if Elvis, It depends what he was doing on Bald Street, doesn't it? No, but I'm saying, I think you're going to be recognizable to be famous. No one knows what Budda looked like.

I reckon if Elvis, out of costume, walked down Bald Street now, you wouldn't clock him. Barack Obama? Yeah, yeah. I think you're going to be recognizable to be famous. No, you haven't. That's mad to me. Budda? That Budda's on Bald Street?

You'd notice him. I love your metric of how a person is famous. If the Prophet Muhammad was on Bald Street, I wouldn't look twice. You're literally not allowed to know what he looks like. Can't even draw that fella. John Cena should be in there. He's one of the most... Don Jolly.

John Cena, Donald Trump should be in there David Beckham Call I didn't make the list shite list Rowan Atkinson the border shit Rowan Atkinson wasn't on that list Make a better list and the gas leaks for him every week, you know, it's wild. All right, let's have a break. Love you lids Big old Kyla Cobbler's I don't think anyone has ever called anyone for any of us in this building a cunt quicker than you called Wallace a cunt When you walked in the room, he was being a little bit of a cunt

And they love me you love me it was being a little bit of a cunt. He was shouting and then he loved you. And then he loved me. He loved me. It was just a little bit of give and take. I wanted to stand my ground, put up a little bit of love. How long, how quick was the turn? Cause it usually turns around. At least Wallace said hello to me. No, at least Wallace came to the door. I shook your hand. I went over and shook all of your hand. I approached you and shook your hand. It was like starting in a new school. That's what it felt like. I was designing a fucking living room. Yeah, I know. But sure. You're not supposed to do that fucking here. This is your office. This is your podcast. You're your name. Your guest. I was like, what are you doing? Adam? Oh, I just bought a couch and I was like, all right, cool. You brought donuts. Donuts. Thank you from any of you. Not one. I'm not my problem. It's the talk that counts. Thank you for thinking about

dying by Christ almighty. Never again. Cause we, we've met once and you haven't met the rest of the lads yet. I haven't. But I did a Vittorio Mike's a show, the party stay show in, in London and Kyle was on and I had about a 40 second conversation with her and the second she left the room, I said to Mike, she'll come and do the pod? Because I knew immediately from just a 40 second interaction with her she was just like, look at the fucking state of you, you big fat twat and then just left. I was like, yeah, she'll be good. That's so mean. I would never ever say that. You're not a twat. You're a little bit fat. You're not. You're gorgeous. You're running mad. I see. You're running mad. You're mad on your five K's on Strava, no? Yeah. Welcome to the club, my friend. You're running mad. I see you're running mad. You're mad on your five K's on Strava. No.

Yeah. Welcome to the club. My friend. You're crushing it. I'm a five K man. Last one. What was the last one? Three weeks ago. But that's cause I've been in all of the, I've had a couple of weddings. There's no point in running when you've got a wedding. Yeah. But you run until you didn't you said you were going to, well I would have if he didn't get married in the middle of the wilderness where there was no roads. You can run on different surfaces. You know that. It was surrounded by jelly that Tuscan village. It was a path.

There was no way to run. There was wolves. There was wolves. There was not wolves. It was bad weather. You got attacked by wolves. Did you actually? Yeah, in my car. In your car. Thank God you were in your car. There was wolves. It was bad weather. You got attacked by wolves. Did you actually?

Yeah. In my car. In your car. Thank God you were in your car. Yeah. Oh my God. It was scary though. Where were you in your car that the wolves were around? Driving seat. What? Were you in the forest? Uh, it was just some like driving seat. Where were you in the car? In the front. I was in the boot. I was in the back seat. He's lucky he's handsome no cause he's taking shit. I will take that. I will take it. Are you a runner? Are you a runner? I love running. Yeah. I just did the marathon in October. My first marathon worst experience of my life. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. It was a fucking nightmare. Which one do you go for? Dublin. All right. Did it for charity as well. I did it for women's

aid. Not to be mistaken for women's aids, different charity. And I, I ran it. I shall it. He dedicated to women with AIDS HIV and I raised 8,000 euros. So yeah, yeah. A grand ran the marathon and then I couldn't fucking drop out because I don't have a charity, but I swear to God I turned to my husband or my fancy on the way over and I was like, you know what? They probably fucking deserved it. These bitches. I was so, I was like victim blaming. I was like, what was she wearing? Was she drunk? I was just so, it brings out so much bad in you. The marathon lads don't do it. Don't do it. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck those. Oh my God. It was awful. Broke my foot doing it. Oh, broke my foot. Like impact or just

a stress fracture. I can't say it. The Rune one. The David Beckham one and the Rune one. And the Rune one. So you're out of the world cup. Yeah. Basically. Basically. And any halves in the build up? Loads of halves. I can run a half. I could run a half now. I love a half but the fucking full. Everyone's like, if you run the half, you can run the full. If you run the half, you can run the full. So here's me at half. I'm like, holy fucking shit. I got to do this again. It's a, don't listen to them. That's not true though. Is it? Cause if you're gonna have you're gonna fall bollocks cause you've got to start again.

Exactly. That's not the same thing at all. It was absolutely fucking all. And I did it all right. The, the, my coach was the women's arsenal conditioning coach. Cause I, I put a shout out on Instagram and I need a coach and a lady who follows you. My husband wants to do it and did it all properly. Lads. Worst experience of my life. Zero dopamine. Don't do it. You do it again. Absolutely fucking not. Fin did you listen to anything I just say? What was your time? Fuck me again. He's lucky. He's handsome. Four or four 38 under five, four 38. It's all right. It's all right. It's grand. I finished it. Most people aim for four like as like a lifelong goal. Like anything below five for your first goals like fucking

Eleanor and nobody told me about the cry. You're allowed to cry. Apparently crying is really normal, but I didn't know. So I was mortified and I didn't want to cry, but all I want to do is fucking cry. So, oh, it's all at the end. Oh, you know what? It's like to be a man all the time. I can only imagine. I get it now. Just calm down, bro. You're just, I get it. Oh my God. It was, it was, it was any of you run a marathon. I've run a half and I nearly finished it. Yeah. And. And oh, you had didn't finish it. He didn't cry so hard. He fell over. That's how did you fall? Yeah. Yeah. I got dragged across finish line. It's lads. It's, I don't understand it. I knew the first person to ever run a marathon

date. That's the whole point of the marathon in Greek mythology. When they met at the, when they met at, no, they just dropped dead. I thought it was shooting the messenger. That's what I came from. No, that's interesting. Now if we've got to, he delivered a message and then dropped 26 miles. Oh, that's good. Good knowledge. Are you straight in the pub after that? Are you boozer? What's the, or do you just need to sit down and like, no, I went to a show. I was touring at Michelle Wolf. I was opening. I did a tour with her as her opener in Ireland. So I had to go to fucking Dracarra. Do you ever hear Dracar draw? We've been through it on the, there used to be a feeder club for Liverpool. I always say football manager 2008. That was on Sky Sports News. Yeah. Exactly. Good man.

I've been calling it dry. What do you say? You don't really say it. You give up. Yeah. I love the way you giving me shit about accent. My partner's family from Yeah. I love the way you're giving me shit about accent. My partner's family from core. I love the core. I know. I love that. Where in court are they from? Oh, the main that on a guilty. Oh, sausages. Oh, man. The black one. They're unreal. And they model railway. My granny used to love that. God rest her soul. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She died there in kind of guilty at the model railway train station thing. She didn't imagine. She got hit by a train. Oh fuck. She got hit by a tiny train.

Cork's gorgeous. I love Cork. It's beautiful. Cork is beautiful. It's a bit of a, everyone goes to Dublin. I'm like, why? Like, I mean, Dublin's grand for a day. Easier to get to as well. You can't get round. You have to go to Dublin and then get to Cork. You can fly to Cork. Yeah, you can fly to Cork. Not from Liverpool. You can't. I do it all the time. It's like a Cork. You can fly to Cork. Yeah, you can fly to Cork. Not from Liverpool. You can't? I do it all the time.

It's like a bus station. You do it all the time. Oh, you'll never. When was the last time you remembered him taking a day off to go to Cork? He's always in Cork. Every weekend, every other weekend. You're too concentrated on your fucking furniture. You're too concentrated on your new house.

Your friends are off living their fucking life. You're obsessed with fucking measuring couches and lamps and fucking Dan's over in Cork loving Clannic Hilty., you having a clue? You're coming to be this character for the whole group. This is, Carl as well, lovely Carl. This is an audition to replace you, you know that. I bought the fucking couch yesterday, girl. And you've drawn it three times.

Because I drew it wrong twice! You didn't even know I'd drawn it three times, but I have. I drew the wrong scale twice, but now I've nailed it. Did you not measure that before you bought it? I did a little fucking this couch has taken over. That's Gail measurements in it. No, it's not measurements. No, it's called Gail. As the only girl I'm exactly. I'll go out the doors this big and then they'll just remember to go into the shop like that. Good job. I knew it was 380 centimeters on the back wall where the couch is going to go and the couch is two six six. That's taken into account the skateboards. What? Skateboards. This has been the last two weeks of

my life. No, back to the couch. Oh, sorry. Just because you don't give a fuck about interior design. Is it a recliner? Does it recline? No, not into that. No, that's weird. That's done.

No, that's like, I don't want any of my furniture to require power. Yeah. It's like pulled Paul. Have you ever been on a recliner? Yeah. It's very weak. What do you mean? I wouldn't call it powerful. I wouldn't say that.

I don't think it's going to take over the office. I wouldn't be like, I've had too much power. You can also get a manual. You can get a manual. You've got control of it. No, but there's not that many plug sockets. Get a manual one? What?

Get the zoop that one? Nah, I just want to, I don't need all that me. No, they're overrated. They are shite. I don't need all that recliner. I need a couch long enough that if I'm lay on the end of one, me missus can be on the end of the other and our knees don't touch. Sure, I don't look the size, yeah.

That's any basic couch. Good luck here. Fucking Johnny Longlegs on his couch. A one seater. God almighty, swear to God he was fucking jacking the jolly beanstalk. You're tiny. Look, I've bought a burnt burgundy sofa from Ted Baker God almighty. He was fucking jacking the jolly beanstalk. You're tiny. Look, I've bought a burnt burgundy sofa from Ted Baker.

You bought it the Xyla sofa? I didn't mean to. It's a nice sofa. It's a nice one. And it wasn't any more expensive than a normal one. I'm burning this sofa. Also, it's a couch. I don't call it sofa. It's the couch. It's flame retardant now as well. It is retardant.

Thank God he said it there. I was mad. My brain went, yeah. Yeah. He said, we have to say, we will have said, yeah, what I was doing when you arrived, I was making sure that a fits in the living room. Cause that is important. And B that it fits with the chair and C how big I can now get a lamp base to be, to go in the counter. Is it modular? No. What does modular mean? Comes in sections so it's easy to get in the door. No. Oh, that's going to be fun. Yeah.

I live up a windy staircase like this. So I have to do everything. Like a little princess. You live in Barcelona? You live in Barcelona? Yeah, I live right. That's why I was, I took a fucking plane here this morning and that's why I didn't get a fucking hello. I literally arrived on an aeroplane to come and talk to you lot and you're all on your phones. Why do you live in Barcelona? Because I went to. Why not? Liverpool was taken.

F***! I live in Barcelona because you can do comedy every night and you get English audience every night and fill a room. So it's the only way to. Is that right? Yeah. Every night. Yeah. Really? So I could pop over to Barcelona for a weekend gig every night? Every single night. I've never gigged in Barcelona. It's so much fun.

Mike Rice, if you follow Mike Rice on Insta, he's like throws out gigs where you're like what on earth? Lisbon. He's just spent time in Lisbon. That's why I started. That's why I started comedy because of Mike Rice. Mike made you start stand up? Mike made me. So he came to Barcelona and I was just doing online stuff. I hadn't done actual standup and I did his podcast and he called me a comedian and I was like, I'm not a fucking comedian because so different. And then he was like, well, you're on a standup, but like you're doing it. And I really fancied him. It was after the pandemic. It was dry

times. It was tough times. That's, uh, I really, really fancied him and I had never really, I hadn't fancied an Irish man in years and I was like, Oh my God, he's class like, cause he's quite, you know, and then we were at a open mic and he's like, there was only like 15 people in the audience and by chance all of them were Italian and I speak fluent Italian cause I lived there for years and he was like, you should go up and do something in Italian. And I was mad to write them. I just wanted to impress them. Like I just wanted to impress them. Did you? No, of course not. Jesus Christ. I'm terrible with that. I swear. I'm terrible

with that kind of stuff. So I went up and did a bit in Italian, just talking about being like, I really want to write your man. I'm trying to impress them. They were loving it. Laughing. Got off stage. Mike was like, Oh my God, you crush. And I was like, I crushed. And then I just started doing English after that. But I was shit for ages as you are. And then it kind of just started working. But yeah, it was Mike. It was Mike. That was my, my attraction to Mike that pushed me. Does Mike know all of this? Yeah. I talk about it all the time. Did you ever make a move on him? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, lads. I, a blind man could have seen it. I was weak for him. I was weak for him. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't it? I

just was mad about it because I was on and I was in a different place and you know, I don't know. I just mad about it. Now he's like my best friend. We're like, we like I texted him before this and I text him and I was like, he are shit crack. No one's talking. He's got a bit of flavor though. Mike, hasn't he? He's got a little bit of, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's a genius. He's a, he's very smart. You know what I mean? So that is, that's something to behold. You know what I mean? Seeing someone excel at anything is quite attractive. I think the opposite of Joe Rogan in many ways. Joe Rogan's an idiot who's read loads of Mike. It comes across as a business man. But he's dead. Yeah. Exactly. How would he do on this coach? Yeah. Well, he must've been a night. Instant hall

of fame. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. What was it that attracted you to Mike? I'm interested. He was just tall and funny and lovely. But you've got a fiance now. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does he know that you used to be in love with Mike and now you just, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Of course he does. Yeah. He used to be, he used to be quite, you know, he, he's South African. He's like white South Africans. He's quite like serious. And then he was wondering about Mike and then he met him and he's like, it's fine. Don't worry. I get it. But I wouldn't be threatened. It's like, yeah, totally. So you live with a South African man in Barcelona. Yeah. And you're engaged. Yeah. How long have you been together? Almost two years, not even a year and a half. Oh wow. I'm engaged. Did you move

there for him? No, I just moved there. I was in Italy for seven years and I speak Italian and I was like, well, I learn, I learned Spanish as well because I have no education. I have nothing. So I was like, I need some stuff to get, you know what I mean? To find a career or whatever. So I was like, what are you doing? Like, so you went, I'm hospitality worker. Oh, okay. Yeah. Bear tender. Can you believe that? Bear tender waitress, but I loved it. I absolutely, people talk so much shit. I loved it. I loved the buzz work in a restaurant. I loved chatting to people.

Do you know, I genuinely think hospitality work is the most sort of unfairly like stigma. It's like a stigma that no one really even knows is there. Even including people who actually work within it, I think sometimes. Yeah. Because like my missus is a hospitality manager and she loves, she's obsessed with it.

She really loves a cocktail, like competition level cocktail making. She loves like running the food and stuff around the floor, running the place, doing the roads. She fucking lives for it. Sometimes genuinely, like she's like, oh, I can't get that day off work. And I'm just like, just tell them to fuck off.

Like they're not paying you enough to like ruin your life over stuff. I know. But she's like, no, and she gives a shit. Yeah. And even I've probably got a bit of that sort of, oh, it's just a hospital in the back of my head somewhere. Yeah.

When she tells people, oh, I work in hospitality, they go, yeah, but what do you want to do? Yeah, yeah, it's rude. It's never seen as like... It is seen as a stepping stone because it's one of the jobs you do when you're a teenager. Yeah. To get money, isn't it? Technically, anyone can do it, but it's doing it well. It's doing it well as a real wants to wake

up to a fucking alarm. Like I'd give up the evenings. Yeah. And the, I didn't, I didn't, I never, I would bars rest. I didn't mind giving up Friday and Saturday night because I was like, it's better than having to wake up to a fucking alarm. I think having your morning is a gift. I would have had to get up in the morning. Say that again. I was a bartender for years and then this I've never had the job. I've had to get up at like six. What about when you were a teacher in Japan? Started at midday. That's cool. I wouldn't have went otherwise. I'm not getting up a fucking seven in the morning. Did you teach English in Japan? Yeah. Did you like it? Loved it. They're fucking miles ahead. Aren't they? Oh, with everything. They're miles ahead. I swear to God. It's one place.

I'd love to go fucking Japan. He did teach the special needs kids though. That's all right. Sure. Everyone needs teaching miles ahead. You know? Oh yeah. They were retarded as they put it. I actually taught adults. Did you? This is terrible. You know, in Italian they say that because I used to use the word retired a lot and then I got a lot of trouble for it, which is totally fair. I get it. And then, but in Italian they say that doesn't just mean like delayed. Yeah. It's mean stop. But they use that as well for people who have special needs and it's so descriptive and it's not at all nasty or mean. And then I got back here and I was like, oh, it's nasty and mean. I can't use it, but it does pop into my mind. The worst words popping to your

mind are the worst possible. Would you get in trouble if you called someone in this country? The Italian word probably. Yeah. Cause it's only an O on the end. I mean like Italian. What does it mean in Italian delayed? No, you can say for someone with special needs. Yeah. But what does the original etymology the way? What was that? What's the original meaning of it? Yeah. Slow, slow to pick up on things. So it's a flame retardant. Like it can set on fire, but slowly. Exactly. So it's just someone who's a bit slower on the pickup, but doesn't necessarily. It's not a nasty thing. So you're telling me me couch is not fully fireproof. If you keep trying to set fire to it, it will catch fire. Just a couple of years after that. A little bit of a retard though.

Why Italy in the first place? I was in Australia and you've been in court for about 11 minutes in your whole life. Just straight out of the womb with the carry on luggage. I was like, I'm out of here. Fuck this. No, I left because I didn't study. So if you don't study, you're not going to stay in your own gaff. Like you've been to court. It's beautiful, but it's, I'm not from Clannic Hilty. It's very small. Yeah. Like I'm from one bus every six weeks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good pine stow. Great pine. Great crack bush. You need more than that. Beamish good man Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah you believe that? And I was like, sure I'm here now. I might as well just

stay. So you stayed for seven years out of spite? No, not spiteful. Not spiteful at all. I thought your mind goes. Yeah, well I'm going to stay here right? In this house. You move out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I just stayed because I was there sure. And I thought, look, I can, I'm a waitress. So like why not waitress here? And then I started, I did German in school for six years. That's not a fucking word. I was in Italy three, four months and

I started picking it up and I was like, well, I think I might be good at languages and I'm not good at anything. I wasn't your people who like pick up a tennis racket and can play tennis or someone can get on a bike and ride a bike. I takes me so long to learn absolutely fucking everything. So when I started picking up the language fast, I was like, holy shit, this is my X-Men moment. Like I'm actually good at something. So you're a little bit of that though. And I crushed it. And then I just kept working and then I got a job at the Chicabana. By the way, just so you know, what's happened there is Carl thinks he's found a loophole and getting in trouble

for saying, yeah. So he's going to do that for the rest of the episode. You can do it. That's all right. Slow on the pickup. Dolce and Gabbana. Yeah, I did. Yeah. I worked in fashion. Then I started working in fashion and I got a job in Dolce and Gabbana, which is awful. When you say working in fashion, you just working in the shop or like actually in the, I was a, so I used to do visual merchandising. So I used to do the windows and then I was a leather specialist as well, which I know, I know. This is four boys in a room. No, I didn't know. There's a shop here called the leather shop, but it's not like I'm not talking about like PVC leather, like crocodile skin and python skins, that kind of stuff. I love a bit of leather me

come here a little bit of Vitello. I love Vitello, a little bit of cow skin. Lovely. So I got a pair of crocodile skin cowboy boots. You know how to tell if they're real. Licked them. All right. The receipt. The little square patch. There should be a little dot over there. Should be tiny little dot. That means it's real. Okay. Couldn't you just put that on a fake one? Probably. But there's something about it. That's why I used to tell people. Now there's got a distinctive smell hasn't it? It does indeed. Yeah. I love the smell of that. Yeah. Yes. When I was in, I went to a place in America to go back from America yesterday and I went to a place in America, I just got back from America yesterday and I went to a place called Virginia city and I went there cause these two lesbians were like, Oh, you should go with pure Trump town just to like see Donald Trump and like that

kind of environments because they were just scissoring each other at the dinner table. You should go to Trump town. Johnny, the funniest thing about lesbians, my, I know again what your mind is going to like Pornhub lesbians, but they were, so we had a lesbian wedding and when my cousin came out, my granny was alive at the time. What's happening lads, time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor. It's Sayly. S-A-I-L-Y. If you go to Sayly.com slash have a word and use the promo code have a word, you'll get your 15% discount

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Get yourself a little eSIM. Don't have to get a SIM and stick it in. It's an eSIM. E stands for electronic in R. Nice and easy. Salee. And my granny Mona and I went up to her and I said, granny, did you hear that? Um, Sophie is a lesbian and she turned around and she went, I know. And Catherine's daughter is a celiac.

And I was like, yeah, same thing. Totally same thing. Fucking nightmares to both of them. It was a great crack. But oh yeah. So I went to Trump town. So I went up to this Virginia city place lads and it was like suit all these shops with the smell of leather. It was great crack. But oh yeah. So I went to Trump town. So I went up to this Virginia city place lads. And it was like suit all these shops with the smell of leather. You walk in and the cowboy boots. And I tell you what lads, I'm not pro Trump, but they're great fun up there. Oh, I'm like, I'm not pro Trump, but I'm pro all the country and Western lifestyle. They just love it. They're living the dream. Like I know they have a clue actually what's going on politically. Like, but they're just the guns and the hats

and the fucking you make me a sandwich. Okay. It's just so exciting. I love it. Say it again. So how long are you there in the States? It's only for five days. Just went and had a look. Were you making stuff? What? No, no. My partner, he opened, he designed, he's like a master builder. So he'd done this

big project and he, it was the opening of that. It was a bike shop. It went from being a yoga studio to a bike shop. So he's an architect and he's a, he's a carpenter as well. Can I ask you? Yeah. He sounds fucking South African man who lives in Barcelona. Why are people in America finding him? Because he, we're both based there, but we move a lot for work. So like right now in Europe to live there is great. But like, I mean, we're not married to living in Barcelona. I'll probably eventually have to come to the UK for work. Yeah. You know what I mean? Where are you going to get married? November. Now where? Oh, in Cape town. Yeah. Have you been to Africa? No, but it looks so beautiful. Do you ever see those photographs online where it's like, this is the closest photo NASA's ever taken to Jupiter, you know, those

things. And it looks so different. That's what it looks like when you're driving through South Africa. We did a 5,000 mile road trip when I went because he's like, I want to show you everything. And I was like, sit down. Huh? Just sit down. I have restless blood. I definitely have restless blood. I love movie. Also, because I just really want to enjoy my life when I still able bodied and pumped.

And and also I just became a professional comedian. I'm only a comedian full time a year. So I'm still like getting up and getting on this plane after being in America. Yes. I don't care. This is amazing. Like this is us at work, lads. Yes, we have those moments regularly. Yeah. This is I and sometimes when I'm like around kind of older comics who've been in that longer and they're a bit cynical and a bit grumpy.

I'm like, I hope to God I'm never like that. Yeah. I hope to God I just always love it. I'm like I was doing shift work in restaurants and bars bars my whole life since I'm 13, I'm working. So like to fuck if I'm not going to enjoy this now in a bit of money. Make sure you're just doing the kind of comedy that you want to do and you'll still keep the fun of it. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Those guys, those guys have just done too many gigs that they didn't want to do. Yeah. And it's fucking bad. I'm good at saying, I'm glad I say I'm glad it happened to my thirties. I think if I was in my twenties, I probably would have said yes to things under pressure

or not have come from my own intuition or my own creative point of view. Whereas now I know what I am, which is a gift in itself. I also think when you start, start stand up late and you've properly lived a life, when you go, Hey, what stories have I got? You've had so much more. We started when we were kids and we've done a good job of it. But like the comics who start late have spent all of the time where we were gigging,

getting good, living their fucking life and doing, I don't think anyone's done more mad stuff than you. So it's great when you go, hey, what am I gonna talk about? What do I think about stuff? And I don't wanna blow smoke up your ass, cause you turned up into me podcast studio and called me fat and short.

But I've only seen you do stand up once and you were, you fucking smashed it. But I, like, I don't care about the comic smashing it. Cause like you can do that five, six gigs in if you just get the right audience. You just dead. You just, you on stage. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. It takes a lot of comics. Yeah. Four can years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Do you think it's connected to the age thing? I think, I just think that's what it is. I just think it's because I'm comfortable in my skin now. Like there was a time where I wouldn't leave the house without makeup or straightening my hair and that sounds silly but...

I think that's your thirties. Isn't it? It's so nice. Yeah, but we know people in their thirties who've been doing standup longer than Kyler has who aren't like, you'd have to watch it on stage, but... Haven't found their own voice. When you're just properly comfortable or a comedy, like I am there and Dan at the Froggo anywhere now, but on stage at the comedy store,

just like she was in a fucking kitchen talking about South African building designs. Yeah, yeah. I had cried. Do you know what I love though as well? Whenever that lineup was so good. And I love that competitive drive where you want, I'm like, fuck the audience.

I want this country right now. I love that drive because like the audience, of course, are the most important thing. And we always love them. We always whatever. But when there's good comics there and you're like, like, I remember I couldn't crush in front of Mike for ages. I was like, I really want to, cause I knew I could crush. I'm like, I really want to like, he was just a thing. And then I did the Ivy gardens and I crushed and I was like, I really wanted to, cause I knew I could crush. I'm like, I really want him like he was just a thing. And then I did the Ivy gardens and I crushed and I was like, all right, it's done now. That's all I needed. I just needed to do it once in front of him, you know, but that drive in front of other comics, that's such a buzz. I've been like that since I started. I want everyone to do really well and me to do slightly better.

Especially if there's a hero in the room. When you've got someone that you look up to and you rate. Yeah, it's such a vibe. It's such a vibe. And then you just can feel it within the first 30 seconds. You're like, yeah, it's going to be cool. So where are you gigging in Barcelona? I'm fascinated because I'd love to. What's the scene like?

We have a comedy club. So we just have our comedy clubhouse. I'm there every night. Like I'm there now. I'll leave. I'm there Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I'm doing my solo show at 6.30. That will sell out.

And not because it's me, it's because there's, it's full of expats. And what you must realize too, is that it's a transit place. So you have new people coming in continuously, continuously coming in people who study. They'll go for a year and then leave again. And then you have an audience from all over the world. So what happens as well is that I didn't come up in Ireland. So I don't have this like, oh, did you? I know I'm Irish and this is my thing about Ireland. Like I've

had to cater my material to an audience. That's faster. You can do expert Barcelona local basically because you're living a life similar to them. Yeah. Yeah. Or even just me as human being experiencing life. It doesn't, it doesn't necessarily have to be so because a lot of the times like I remember as well, when I first got booked to go to Ireland, cause that was another thing I was terrified of was performing at home. And when I went and did my first show in the Ivy gardens, it was like a four 30 slot super shit. And I went up and I was like, Oh, I'm Kaila. I'm from Ireland. And I was like, what am I saying? I'm from Ireland. And everyone was just like, all right. And then I did all

my material in like seven minutes because I just got completely, I was way earlier. I just was going on and my material is quite cock heavy as well. So altogether it just sounds absolutely awful. Like it was just, I tell you what, right. I'm sure like a million people have asked you about this as well, but I didn't realize how until right now, how new to full time stand up you were. Yeah. It must have been a fucking moment to be asked to go and do the Tommy Ternan show. Yeah. Oh my God. Because that like Tommy is, if you got, let me pick three people to sit on that couch and do an episode of this, he would be in that top three for me. He is. Do you know what was my saving grace Adam was I had

opened for him a few times. So because his wife was writing to me on Instagram. Now I didn't know it was his wife. So this woman was writing to me around the same line up in the ivy gardens during the summer. And she wrote to me, she's like, Oh, I mean, my husband are looking forward to seeing you. And I was like, Oh yeah, great fab, you know, whatever. And then she wrote to me after it's like, Oh, me and Tom thought you were great. And I was like, Oh yeah, brilliant. And I was like, who the fuck is your one? And it was fucking Tommy Tiernan. How? Thank God I was nice. And then she wrote to me saying, Hey, Kyle, we'd love you for to open. And I looked, I was like, Yvonne Tiernan. And it was fucking Tommy. Thank God I was nice. And then she wrote to me saying, hi, we'd love you for to open. And I looked, I was like, Yvonne Tiernan. And I was like,

oh my God, it's Tommy Tiernan's fucking wife. Who's writing to me. So then I sent her a voice note on Instagram and I was like, I am so sorry about my Blas a response. You know what I mean? Fucking. So then I opened from so thankfully me and Tom, so you go, you just like it. So like the fact that I'd, Oh, I had met him. So thankfully me and Tom thought you were good. So like the fact that I'd, Oh, I'd met him already. Cause the first time I met him, I was shitting myself. And then when I went, when I went and done the show and it happened really quickly, it was the day after I met you, I've got a train over to, Oh no, I took the plane. Cause I was in Paris the day before. So in Paris, London, and then Tommy Ternan show. And for

those that don't know the guest comes out and Tommy doesn't know who's going to walk out and there's no audience. And you know what else was crazy? And this might sound silly lads. You have to sit down and I'm not used to walking on stage and sitting down. We stand, right? We move, we embrace what we're doing. So you walk out on stage, you walk in completely silent, completely black. You walk out there, you're wearing makeup and stuff, which feels so weird. You walk out there and Tommy Ternan's like, he was like, well, Fred was like Kyle Cobbler, so thankfully he knew me. So give me a big hug.

And then we started and I sat down on my heart. I was like, oh, my God, this feels bizarre. And then I just said it. I was like, I'm really nervous. And he's like, I could be nervous. And then I was like, OK. And then I made the cameraman laugh and then I was fine. Once I heard the giggle and I said, all right, okay. We're like a covert recording

that like I was really, really crazy. And we did it for an hour, a second hour, lads, a whole hour of recording. And then they put together 20 minutes, but I crushed. I did a good job. I tell you if I did bad, I did a good job. I did. I seen the clips from it, like the stuff you're talking about, like a like Cobbler's not your real surname. It's a stage name. It comes from lines with Italian men. Yeah. Basically on Tinder, I tell people I was a Cobbler. They loved it. It was a pure dick magnet. Yeah. I would tell people I'm a Cobbler and they're like, Oh, that is so interesting. Make me some shoes. Yeah. They loved it. Then I went for dinner with a fella. We were texting for like six weeks, went for dinner. I'd forgotten like, cause we just call it carry on in Ireland. Like just nice. Just

carry on. And then we went for dinner and he brought a bag of broken shoes. And I should tell him, and I got the giggles as well. And I went to Federico. I was like, I'm not a cobbler. I'm so sorry. And then he was like, you disloyal bitch. And I was like, disloyal to who? I was like, what, to the fucking guild of cobblers? Also, if you wear the cobbler. You don't bring your shoes. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You're trying to ride me.

Don't bring your bloody shoes. You know what I mean? Fuck's sake. They're so passionate Italian men aren't they? Oh, they're ridiculous. They're absolute nightmares, lads. I tell you what, I was, I was with a fella for a long time. He was after your man.

Oh, they're just something else. They just can't deal with women with any sort of like gusto. Do you know what I mean? Like they just, they're nightmares. They're absolutely. They want like someone who's a bit submissive. They want them to submissive. I remember my, my exes, his mother rang me. I was at work and does he get banned? His mother rang me and she's like, I love there's dust behind the fridge. And I was like, there could be a fucking portal to a different realm behind the fridge. I'm talking about, here's me I've never looked behind the fucking fridge. Talking about.

Here's me working full time cleaning behind the fucking fridge. Why is he looking behind the fridge? She's clean. They're all cleaning, mad cleaning. You know, like she, she hated me. She hated me. Cause I wasn't even. It's dust behind the fridge. I bet there is, yeah. It's having loads.

A fucking small family or something down there. I'm like, what are you talking about? God knows what behind my fridge looks like. Yeah, yeah. It's chaos probably.. My fridge looks like chaos probably. Also grows. I don't want to see behind my fridge. That's like a once a year thing, right? You pull it out, you get the mini picture. Once a move thing. Yeah. Yeah. Integrated. So whatever's there, there could be fucking on the house. I'm buying. I'm getting the fridge off them as well. Right. Yeah. I went back to the house. We went too far. Come on. We forgot it's Adam's House podcast. So carry on then.

I was just wondering what year I'll face CBI in my fridge. Do you know what I mean? You don't need to. You'll never see behind the fridge. It's warm though. Is it mounted? It is warm. Is it mounted?

Very warm. Why can't you move it? I can move it. Oh right. You just don't want to see behind your fridge. I just don move it? I can move it. Oh, right. You just don't want to see behind your fridge. I just don't know why I would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But his Italian Mrs. She's going to do a good job.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you slip into when you're in an Italian restaurant and you've had a like a wine? Are you? I love it. It's my only skill that and comedy. I every if there's ever or if I'm doing crowd work and then there's Italians. I love it. It's my only skill that and comedy. I every if there's ever or if I'm doing crowd work and then there's Italians, I love it. I'm the same with Chinese, but I just do the accent. You speak Chinese.

Oh, no, he's just racist. Chinese. I'm like, what's going on? I misjudged you guys. What I swallow. All of your language is the same, by the way, all of them. Do you mean that's actual Chinese. Oh yeah, you did learn. He doesn't know what does it mean again? I don't know whether people know

this. I don't know. We've spoken about it. So on my last special, right? I did a routine about the, uh, the fish and chips shops and the people are all Chinese. They're all around by Chinese people. And the bit was about how it's great to go in because you hear them speak fluent, like Chinese in the kitchen and they're really scouse. And they really are really scouse when they speak to you. And in the route that I taught,

I taught this for a year or whatever. When I would do the Chinese noises, I would just make some Chinese noises. And then in any room, that's fine because of the context and stuff. But when you put on the internet, I'm always like, if someone wanted to get upset by this, they could. So I spoke to Stee's ex partner, again, he was seeing for a while, he was still very good friends with with is from China. She's not Chinese like second generation. She's fucking from there. Right. That's where she's from. Right. So I got in touch with her and was like, I need a phrase. That wasn't a name.

She's from Chongqing. Shout out Chongqing. We got that the wrong way around once. And she wrote in and was like, uh, actually Ching chong is actually a really offensive thing for Chinese. It has to be Chongqing. Chongqing is fine. Ching chong is not okay. Oh my God. Thank God. You know that one time we went to a Chinese, I have a friend from London and we took edibles. I love marijuana is more my more than alcohol. So we took edibles and we had brownies and then we went to a Chinese restaurant and there was loads of photograph of like other Chinese people on the wall. And my friend was like, Oh, is this like a

family run restaurant? And he's like, no, these are Chinese celebrities. I was like, imagine also like George Clooney and Brad Pitt, but like these are my brothers. He's Chinese. He is. Yeah. Well done. So I, I, all right. I got Judy to teach me one. You're right. Did you say a famous Chinese person? Bruce Lee. I could have been Bruce Lee. I didn't finish the story. I got Judy to teach me one Chinese phrase. Yeah. That would be simple for me to get my mouth around. And it was, what I swallow, which means I'm such a pretty boy.

So in the special, I shout that three times in the kitchen. And then just, but like we dubbed it over in post. It's advanced audio displacements or something like, like there's a, itacements or something like that. There's a, it works great. ADR.

ADR. Yeah. And you would never know like the guy who worked on the sound of it nailed it. It's especially doable because when I'm doing that bit, I face away from the camera. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's worked really well, but there's about the, cause the clip did a couple of million views across the platforms and on each platform, there's like one or two comments of someone going, why is he saying he's such a pretty boy? Which means I nailed it as well by the

way. It's a tonal language. That's class. Do you think other languages are just pretentious? Yeah. Yeah. Name one. It looks like we're going to be doing some sound dubbing for this episode. It's all the same. It's all racist from you. It's racist from you. No, it's not. You're saying the Osana sign. I can see the difference. I think you're equally as racist as each other. No, if I say Swedish. Why is all these foreign accents rewound? No, they're all flim flum flam flam. Adam's got an amazing skill.

He can do any foreign country's noise backwards. Get that in the tray. That was actually really good. Thank you. Oh, no, we're all. None of us can speak second language. I know for Italian swear words because I worked in an Italian restaurant. Give it to me. Okay. Cats will find a cat. Fuck you. Tested a cat. So I'm tested in Minkie. Also dickhead. What does I got? That's all I got. No, no one said any of those. Don't cut my cats. They're like that a little bit English and don't count my cats. Don't

tag my cats. Okay. I got my cats. It actually does. It means don't shit on my dick literally, but I wish I knew that because they shut on my dick. It's just a KP. Are you just a lot when you speak Italian? Yeah. Just a lot. Yeah. But it's like their own language. You learn that first. It was a great reel of a, uh, maybe a two year old Italian. Yeah. Arguing with her mom and she's making, she's basically, she doesn't have to speak. She just knows how to make Italian. So she could be a great podcast guest. I was working this really busy cocktail bar and my boss used to look over and go and then he'd go like this. Like go and eat like that. It was amazing. Pretty cool. What does Vaffanapoli mean? Viva Napoli. Vafa Napoli. Oh well, Napolitano is different. They're Italian. It's so hard. Oh, is it a bit like Scouse? Like, like live

long live Italy. It's Vivo. Oh no, it's so it's from an episode of friends. Vafa Napoli. I think it means go to Naples. Is it like go fuck yourself? Yeah. Yeah. And Neapolitan was like a whole different, I mean like so, so different. Like I can't understand people from Napoli. And they like the scousers of Italy. Even, even I think honestly more because it's like a different language. It's like such a tight dialect that it's such a different language. Yeah. But I mean, if you, if you've studied English abroad and then you go, I'm going to go to England and then go to Newcastle and go in Greg's, that's going to be a culture shock in it in terms of like, you think you know English.

And then you don't. Backwards, you already know this in Japan means come here. No way. And in England, this makes them go away. It's like, please. So I'll be sitting in the office and managed to go. And I'm like, what? It's like, come here. I'm like, you're doing the opposite to come here. So I wasn't telling you to smell your mom. Come here. Smell your mom. Smell my mom. Very proud culture.

smell your mom. Very proud culture. Why smell your mom? Why smell your mom? Cause the children you've been fingering someone else's mom. Oh, I didn't even have a man of a goes old Johnny and you end over there. Oh, I just fingered your mom. So rude. My manager was just saying, come and do this. She wasn't actually saying smell your mom's posse juice. All right guys, we got it. Do what happened on the plane yesterday when we were, we were, we were going from Reno to Dallas and we're on the shore at the plane and I was like to Simon, would you get me the cookies? Cause he bought cookies and he's like, yes. He stood up and got them

and the guy sitting in the aisle turned around and he was like, man, your dick is in my face. Simon was like, excuse me. Your dick. No, his cock was in. Yeah. It was crazy. And he wasn't even like semi or anything. Just completely normal flaccid penis in his trousers. And it happened to be. Yeah. But like that's public transport. And then the American guy was like, if you do that, your cock is right in my fit. Your dick is right there. And then I was like, I think you're, I think you're right, bro. I think he's putting his dick in your face like that is. And then he got up and went to the air hostess and was like, I just want you to know that guy in the green is putting his dick in my face. What? He posted by accident. Yeah. Yeah. And he didn't even, it wasn't even like

there. It was so random. He's gay. He's gay. He's gay. I'll have to suck it bro. You put it there bro. I just have to put it in my mouth man. What are you doing? All grande on the fucking plane. There's always a bit of us to face. Americans are mental. Yeah. Americans are meant to be a pressure point of like, yeah, it makes them smelly as well. And that's always a sign of bad. I just think I do. And also like if you're not taking care of yourself, you're not going to take care for the people. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. But also if you stink, you've got no right to worry about. So those people's cocks be in your face. Have you? Yeah. And

also don't talk with my fetus cock. Is that what you said? Don't suck it. No, I was egging him on. I was egging him. He's a pervert, I think. He's trying to finger me as well. With your fingers? I don't have my own fingers.

I don't even know what happened. Smell me. Wow. Smell me. Why does that disgust you? Cause it's my pussy. No, no, no, no. Smell me would be-

I thought you know my odor is fresh. Smell me would be awful. Smell me. You don't think that's kind of sexy if someone just under the nose. Smell me. Alluring you in with their pheromones. What if a man did it to you? Oh yeah, I'd love it. Like he grabbed his cock and said, smell me. He wouldn't have to grab it. Cocks are quite pungent. You just have to touch it gently. Come on, if you're going to make a hypothetical situation, make it clean penis. Can I ask you a question as a woman? All these new merchant lines are going to be amazing. As a question as a woman. Yeah. And I do, I do do this a lot when we have the question as a woman. What? Oh no, Joni's woman. Do it. I don't know, you're not. Do a woman in Rewind.

I'm a pretty woman. Go on, ask her as a woman. Oh my God. Do your woman voice. It's on every special. Here's the thing. You know, you're talking about like the pheromones and you've been like, smell me. It's like my missus did that. If I was saying that for girl, I quite like that smell. Yeah. I'm wondering

whether women like the smell of like sweat. Yeah. Oh, I don't think to be honest, a bit a bit between your bum and your balls. Yeah. I have never sniffed that. I don't know if that's a luring. You're like black. Like But like the general smell of the cock. I think, I think if I just randomly smelled it, there's trees in Italy that smell like come, I swear my mother's life. I swear my mother's life. There is trees in Italy where you're running in the park and you're like, I can smell sborro. Yeah. I can smell sperm. Like come. Where was that? Anyone? Anyone? How are we not doing a mum's house joke there? Okay. Now we're past that. Where is the stunk of cum? Where was it Jack? Where are you? Was it Leeds? Leeds does not smell of cum. Yeah. The Leeds

theater stunk of cum. No Leeds theater did smell of cum. Stunk of cum is a nice little expression. Stunk of cum. You know like cum has like that bleachy smell. Stunka come is a nice little expression. Stunka come. You know, like comas like that. It sounds like a really cool aftershave. Stunka come. It doesn't smell very good. Comas like a bleach smell, doesn't it? Yeah. It's quite a, you know what I mean? Yeah. It's pungent. Why whenever I come home from like being away for a week in the bathroom smells like it's being cleaned. I'm like, is it clean or she hasn't orgy? Well, women's, women's, women doesn't constantly bleach. No, women's doesn't smell like bleach. No, but I think I think at the moment that smell if you're if you're with someone intimately, I think that that of course that's a nice smell. Yeah, it's not a nice smell is it?

But you like it. It's weird. It's kind of like when you do a really smelly fire and you're like, oh yeah, but you're also like Rihanna sings about her. Yeah, I don't care. I like the smell of it unless you don't attract it to a person and then smell is, I think that we don't listen to our bodies anymore because of online and stuff, but I think that is one of the main things. It's a, what's an octagon. It's eight eight like links. And if you're the polar opposite of the eight, that's the most. So next to you or your, your, what's it called? An oct, an octagon. Yeah. So eight different points. It's your DNA. And basically it's your body going. You should mate with that guy. I love that you're going to make some good babies. I love Simon's

and when you get this, you get like literally your sibling, you're like, oh yeah. Why are you smelling your sister's possum? No, it's not. She's Christ. Cause she's like, if she watches that, I'm in so much trouble. I know, but I'll get it. Just for sitting next to him. I'm not going to go there. to him. What's the worst smell you ever smelled? You're such a pussy. What is it? Worst smell? The worst smell I've ever smelled. Yeah. I got a friend who got hypnotized recently off smoking and they said to the person, think of the worst smell ever. And he, yeah. And it was horse poo, which is such a pussy answer. because horse poo doesn't mean it's not that bad. I think old people's home with really old people in it is a particularly bad smell. Old people's home when it smells like a butchers, but like the lecky's gone. I hate the smell of a butchers.

You know when a butchers like, but imagine the lecky went. That's what old people's home smell like. Rotting meat. Hot pot and sadness. Hot pot and sadness. That's the menu. That's so sad. I love the hot pot please again. I'm just a drink of sadness. Oh yeah. I remember going to see me granddad and a little home thing. And the

smell lives with me right now. It just smelled like bad beef. I was in a hotel, you know, you think so. There's bad beef comment. I was in a hotel in Zurich touring and it was a self check in and I check in and I'm down in the room and there's a really, really bad smell of ham sandwiches. You know, like ham sandwiches and lunchbox. And I'm like, what is going on? So like open up, clean it. Can't find any lunchbox go for a run. Go do my shows. I'm on the last night of my shows and I go for a 10 K come back about a whole chicken. I'm eating the whole chicken. I go into the hotel and there's a Ukrainian guy there and I'm like, and he's all like freaked out and angry and I'm like, what's

the crack? And he's like, I get the chicken. And I was like, yeah. And I was like, he's like, this smell is very bad. And I was like, yeah, so bad, isn't it? And he's like, yeah. And I was like, I think it's ham sandwiches. And he was like, no, this is dead body. And I was like, wow. And he was like, yes, I think it's dead body. And then he was like, no, this is dead body. And I was like, and he was like, yes, I think it's dead body. And then he was like, come with me. So then we go up to the fourth floor of the hotel and you went with him. Yeah. I think it's dead body. Kyla bring your chicken. And then we went up to the fourth floor and the elevator is open and there's like so many flies, like a trocar box, like flies everywhere, bro. That body, dead body. And I was, you didn't go any, no, I was like,

oh my God, I can't eat this chicken. He's like, I'll eat the chicken. I was carrying the whole chicken. I was hungry. I didn't think it was going to be a dead body. And it turned out and it smelled so much like ham. I promised, you know, like packet of ham, not fresh ham. When you open it and the corners turned up. Yeah, we were cycling around India, which in places was as bad as smells get and we were cycling on a road and I was like, Oh, that's extra bad. And then you just start looking and there was just like a cow rotting at the side. That was unbelievable. We cycled it in November. That's so cool. Did you do it for charity or just for crack? Yeah, we did. And it hurt. And we started really like slugging off the kids. I get it. How long did you do? 450 kilometers in six days. That's more than Ireland. Good

job. Is it? Yeah. Ireland is 300 and something miles up. That's not more. Yeah. No, we were in kilometers. Oh, I don't know if the I can't do the difference one thing six So it's about Ireland. It's about Ireland. Good job lads. That's amazing. Fucking hell great content as well I'd rather do not. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we made some money off it as well You know, I'm gonna some money for the kids some money for those totally you gotta keep that. Yeah. Yeah, you know your bread is butter India. I love that anyone get Indian belly to get the jacked it jacked got Indian belly so bad that he converted to Islam. Well, while crying in said picture now, it was, I was sharing a room with Jack and he was literally in downward dog, like trying to like will the shite out of his stomach.

Oh my God. Really? It was bad memories. He did eat a, a suboxone off the floor in the Taj Mahal though. So the Taj Mahal is a holy place. You would think that it was left. No. Yeah. Yeah. But the fella was covered in flies selling it out of his bucket outside the Taj Mahal. And Jack was like, it's culture. They wash their pans with the, like the, the river water. Yeah. I washed their pans with all the dirty pans that yeah. I was banging

it together. I used to babysit bed wetters. I used to babysit bedwetters. Huh? I used to babysit bed. What? Hang on. I used to babysit two children. Is this about smells? Yeah. Oh cool. Cool. So in the summer, there's, there's a matter what you use. I mean, they would get their sheets washed every day. Essentially you can put plastic on the thingy. It's in the air. And if you go into their bedroom and it's a hot day, it's warm. I would never hire a male babysitter. It was me and my ex girlfriend. Okay. Fair. Just piss. What's wrong with what's wrong with being a male babysitter? I just find it weird. Yeah. I just wouldn't, it wouldn't be my first, I

would give someone an opportunity, but I wouldn't be like, I'd love a man to do this. I just wouldn't. Yeah. It was me and me ex. give someone an opportunity, but I wouldn't be like, I'd love a man to do this. I just wouldn't. Yeah. It was me and me ex. And then their dad messaged me on Facebook once and I was only like, you've been pissing in our kids. I was only 18 anyway. Yeah. So strange men speaking like I wasn't an adult, even though, you know, I should have been as I was babysitting. Yeah. He messaged me on Facebook, asking me questions about why the fuck are you asking me like, who are you? And he went, well, I want to know his babysitting me kids. I don't like you messaging me. So yeah, did you tell me to fuck off? Yeah. Yeah. He wants it. I don't

know. He is. He could have been the weirdo. Yeah. But did you have babysitting his kids? Well, no, it was the, it was the dad, but he wasn't like, you know, he was, oh, he wasn't in. Okay. Sorry. Okay. Okay. Okay. So he was pissed off with the mom of the kids, given the kids to you. Yeah. I was like, who the fuck are you? I don't know who you are. Babysitting is how he's coming from. Maybe though. Carl. I like, I like that's a classic car response. I'm like, go fuck yourself. There is a, you know, he does sound like a better way of doing it. Are you guys, anyone, dad's your dad? Nice. Yeah. I've got two kids to non bedwears. Unreal. Good race. Well, they're doing all

right. Good kids. First wedding this weekend. They did. They didn't get married. Kyle. I didn't marry them off. How old are you? They're eight and four. We just had a friend's wedding this weekend. It was their first big party and these guys were amazing. They had a fucking blast. Really? Cute. His son had his first beer. Oh, my daughter had her first. Lies. It's great. The first couple of beers. Bedtime was difficult. Nightmare up the walls. And that's lovely. I was thinking the kid would be active. You gave him a bit of lemon. I'm not going to try it for you. No, I mean like, but I think pretty bad because I've seen a loser shit after a fruit shoot. So, you know,

if she has a drumstick lolly, she's a fucking nightmare. So I imagine a bit of bugle is going to be quite problematic. The cheers. I hate coke so much. Yeah. Same. It's so not my vibe. I've done it like two times. I just don't get it. I don't get it either. I just don't. I just find it. Carl's like, I love it. I've never done it in my entire life. Good for you. It's so shit. Honestly. So I did like two times. I had one pull on a joint in Amsterdam and had to go to bed for three hours. Good sleep though. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a great thing. I love weed and weed loves me. I don't get paranoid or anything, but it's just for this job. Then you, you're a smoker and I snoop dog. Do you call them in Wales? Snoop dog. I love that.

Yeah. You, is the weed good here in Liverpool? I don't know. I don't get it from here. Oh really? Do you live in Wales? Yeah. Is that close by? Yeah. Sort of an hour and a half. I go away. And you called me up for this. You come up for this. Yeah. It's not far. Good for you. I'm not saying it is. I'm just wondering. He showed me to Liverpool, especially because he lives in Berlin. It's a shit hole where dreams go to die. But we're legally not allowed to tell him to move to Liverpool. Well, I can tell him, you can tell him you should move to Liverpool for your career. I will. Yeah. I will. When I can buy somewhere, I will. Oh, you want to save money. Oh, so he's looking after his mom as well. So he's been, he's a good son. You know, excuse. No, I'm kidding. That's

great. She looks a bit weird as well. So they just get high. All of that. So you're not a big drinker. I, you know what? I filled up my quota. I drank and drank and drank and then I stopped for like a year and a half and I thought I was like a proper alcoholic. And then I went to a and I was like, okay, I'm not an alcoholic. I don't have that kind of addiction, but I was just, I wasn't a really, but that's actually can be more dangerous because when you've gone past a certain line and gone, oh, it's my health and my family and my friendship and my career, then it is more definite when you go, I can certain line and gone, Oh, it's my health and my family and my friendship and my career. Yeah. Then it is more definite when you go, I can't do that anymore.

There's a dangerous middle ground where actually it is fucking you up, but you're also within the realms of acceptability. So you can keep fucking it up. Yeah. Just socially. Yeah, exactly. And also it's just, it's not like a just, I'm fighting, like I'm a good drunk. Like I don't fight or I'm not me.

I'm super fun. Love having a few points at the lads. Love the crack. See the next day it sends me into a world of anxiety. But I'm getting like, Oh bro, I just, I can't like, if I don't get a text back, I'm like, Oh my God, I did something. I said something. And then I always fight with Simon. Like we don't fight if I don't drink. Like we met, I was completely sober. I didn't drink for like 420 days. then I was like, dabble the tiny bit and now I just don't drink anymore because I just, my wife's pretty much at the same point. It's rare that she drinks because the next day she is an emotional wreck. I cannot regulate my emotion. Like I just fight and moan and cry and I'm not funny. I did all every show.

I'm not going to perform on a hangover either. No, no. And people that say it's my creative process. I'm like, bro, it's not. But it's your bit, isn't it? From a, like a hangover is when you've used the happiness from tomorrow today. But the problem is if it's taken two or three days of happiness, that's why drugs is a killer because it robs you of like four or five days, maybe more. It's not worth the deficit. No. And also now because we experienced such highs, like trying to chase that is, is a suicide in my opinion. Like trying to chase that buzz and what this feels like to do what we do. I find at the beginning, maybe use alcohol cause you want to

like elongate that sensation. But realistically that hit of dopamine comes from just everyday consistency and hard work. And the more like I say boring, I don't mean boring, but you know, open mics and getting on stage and writing and performing and you're better sober on stage as well. Oh my God. So much quicker. Yeah. So, and it's more fun because you're like, I did the Olympia twice this year. Thank God. Happy. Thank you more, Please. We'll take it. And I sold out twice and see that feels a beautiful room. I don't know if you've done the Olympia or you did it with the, well, I did it on my tour and then we did it with the pod as well. You saw that the Olympia twice. Twice. Yeah. Second pro. Yeah. So you've done a year. So you didn't see a second. Yeah, I did. So I did in January

and I put it on sale. It was on sale for like six, six months. And then after I did, they were like, do you want to come back and do another run? But it will be Easter Sunday. And I've never sold that many tickets in a short amount of time. And I was like, Oh God, I don't know. You understand that. That's very, that's incredible. I know. I'm so lucky. I understand. I really from this, I can't wait to, to watch you live. And I'd love if you got on the show with others as well. Yeah, I'd love to, but I really want to go to Barcelona and do a couple of sets. If you use everyone, I think, I think we could. We've been went to a car park at the great time. So we were going to Loretta Mar to do watch rugby. No, we were going to Perpignan and

we got nowhere near. We flew into Barcelona, got into the car park and there's a bar in the car park. We got so drunk that we missed the beer and went to Loretta Marl instead. Oh my God, stop. And Little Red Marry is such a shithole. We just got drunk on the beach with two ladies and we filmed it and people loved it. I would love to, we could do that as a little have a word trip. Yeah, you could totally go. You know what I do as well? I can't all of you, but I live in a really lovely apartment. It's really small and it's only fits me and my partner. But when I go, I give it to comedians all the time. I'm like, if you want to come and hang out. So if you and your girlfriend want to come over

for a weekend, if I'm not there, yeah. And it's now it's so little, it's not, I don't care. It's just a base. Yeah. And it's beautiful and clean and it's on Platt's and juice. So it's a beautiful square and there's always people and it's just such a vibe behind the fridge is a fucking nightmare. and there's always people and it's just such a vibe. Behind the fridge is a fucking nightmare. What a problem. Here he is. A little punchline from Phil Punchline, end of section. You're welcome.

Break time. We'll have a break. What's happening, Lids? Time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor, NordVPN.com, the best VPN in the game. And if you go to NordVPN.com slash have a word you get a huge discount off both the one year and the two year plans with four months for free you love VPNs Dan don't you? Now I'm hard of remembering so just talk me through

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Yeah, we absolutely can. Saturday, the second of August. Haw ye August. That's the name of it. So Saturday, the fifth of July, completely sold out. Slightly oversold, actually, because I fucked up the tickets and allocation. Second of August, Saturday the 2nd of August tickets on sale on Patreon.com slash Have A Word Pod

and on my socials in Liverpool again all day country party maybe the last one of the summer so come and see us class. Executive orders is that what we're doing? Yeah also Saturday the 6th of September we've got another karaoke night £10 a ticket the link is in the description. This ain't just an order. This is an executive order.

Oh, we're not going to jingle. We're doing a characterization. Well, you do that. This ain't just any order. This is an executive order. This ain't just any order. This is an executive order. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do ruler of the world, president of the universe. I think that this is going back to my hospitality days. I think if you want to eat a meal during the hot hours of Friday and Saturday night, then you need to have worked a shift on a

Friday and Saturday night. We've said that before, you know, we think to be allowed in bars and restaurants, you have to because people are so mean to waitresses and bar staff and they don't get it. So I'm like, you know, if you were here, you'd get it. What I would say, because I agree with you, I really do fully in. I think you should have empathy. You should have the ability to empathize with the people who are serving you. You should understand how hard their shift is and you should know all of that sort of stuff. And the only way to do that really is to do a shift.

Once you've done that though, I do think we've gone, cause the old adage was the customer's always right. And I do think there's been a shift in the last 10, 15 years to the server's always right in terms of how people feel, how the general public feel. It's like, don't fucking be nasty to the service where they're working hard and they are. Yeah. But some people are just moody constant shit at their job. And I agree. There's nothing worse than someone who's in hospitality

that clearly does not want to be in hospitality. That's obviously for sure. And I think that the pandemic changed everything because Glovo and I don't know what you have here like Uber Eats, whatever has changed everything. Like you go into a restaurant now and it's like, it doesn't seem busy at all. And you wait ages and you see them bagging everything in the kitchen. And you're like, I am here and I'm not getting anything. It's not done good for restaurant culture. No, it hasn't. It's ruined it. It's ruined it.

And as someone who loves, I don't just love good food. I love the whole experience. Give me the experience, Adam. Yes. Give me the experience. I love the experience. I love walking in. Love and so on. And you don't have to be overly friendly.

I don't need someone to be like nicely sound. Just good service. Yeah. Just good. What is that? Just on it. I just want to feel relaxed. I don't want to be asking for loads of stuff like. Don't over pestered. No. And also, you know what? I mean, not over pestered, but upsell

me. I'll take the bread for sure. Give me the mozzarella. Like very rare. You say no. And when I'm here, you go, okay, cool. We just went for Nando's me and Finn at lunch and they've obviously they've obviously been told that there's a beer of the year and the guy he was being so sarcastic. He's obviously like, fuck this. You don't want a beer. You've just ordered a fucking refill of soda. And he was like, can I offer you the beer of the year? And I went no. And everything about him was like, yeah, fuck my life. He was quite good. I don't mind that. That was good. A bit of personality. And he was doing everything that he needed to do well. But then the guy that dropped my food off that was called, he literally just went, so shit. It's a quiet

Wednesday afternoon. A bit more effort when it's not in, not in restaurants, but when you go like to a store to buy clothes or whatever, and then you go to the checkout and they're chatting and they make you wait and they're just chatting and they're like, yeah. And then I said to him that and you're like, you can't be chatting. I need to go as well. That drives me mad. But you know what also drives me mad? You know, when I'm just having a browse, yeah. Can I help you? Yeah. And you know when I need you to help me, I'll come and get you. Yeah. Stand there and look ready to work. Yeah. Yeah. I was overzealous shop workers. Shoot them in the head. I was in Doc Martens today. I'm fair enough. All the staff there had always been cool. Very

cool. Cool stuff. Very cool. And Cher came on. Love share. Believe is a belief in it. Yeah. Yeah. I came on a bit banger. Absolute banger. And the girls like fucking vibing with me and all the girls in the shop. And then the music went off and I went, what's happening there? And one of the guys went, Oh yeah. I cost them a request that we, uh, that we turn the song off and I went, well, I want it on. So I'm another, yeah, I'm a customer. And she was like, right. No, yeah. I went, um, the girls just come over and said, can you turn that off? Because her husband broke up, uh, broke off with her with that song. And now a triggers and she was like, can you turn it off? It was a pretty dangerous word trigger. That's a good breakup song. That's great. I stood

my toe. Well, she didn't believe in life after love clearly because she hasn't got over them. Yeah. She can't even be in Doc Martens. Fuck an ironic bitch. Couldn't get over it. Yeah. Yeah. Ironic bitch. They're put ironic on. Banger. Yeah. I like stuff who just like wear people. Let's just be people. Yeah. You can be a robot and be good at your job. Yeah. Yeah. Don't that's good. I know it's just like not it. Just be like, or even when you're waiting in a queue and just like, Hey, I'll be with you in a second. Like just like a tiny bit of like, you might be having a day like the life society isn't built for us at all. Society is built for

making money. So all of us probably, especially in those jobs, it's hard, you know? So it's like just, just, I get it. And it's like, and it's like, it's all the old boys as well. The work in rest, I love Italy because it's so shit. It's excellent. You go in and there's a lady and she's sitting at the cash desk, there's six phones ringing and you're like, Hey, can I get a table? She's like, Oh Lord, I'm a fire. Sorry, I'll go on.

Sorry. And then you go sit down and then they're like, what do you, and then I'm like, can I get that one? No onion. They're like, no, it's made with onion. And then it comes down and it's the best fucking food in the world. You're like, you know what? I'm sorry. You're right. This business, my money. Yeah, yeah, it's made with onion. And then it comes down and it's the best fucking food in the world. You're like, you know what? I'm sorry. You're right. This bitch knows my money. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like there it's chill. When after Carl's wedding, I went to

Florence with me, Mrs. For a few days and went in and ordered a Florentine T bone steak. Yeah. And I asked for it medium. And she goes, no, she goes, no, you don't tell me how to cook a Florentine steak. She goes, I'll tell you what, I'll bring you it, how I would cook it for everyone. And if you don't like it, we'll put it back in. I'm making it first the way I want to make it. It's so true. And when I say she said all of that, she said all of that in Italian and then I said, I don't understand.

And she was like, so I had to get my phone out and say, I don't understand. And she typed in everything. I've just said to you into Google translate in Italian and then turned it to me in English. And was like, I'm going to cook it the way I want to cook it. You'll eat it that way. And then if you don't like it, then I'll put it back in the oven for you. Okay. It was a good, and it was great. Ordering different wine. If you want like red wine with fish, they're like, no, like they're just like, no, no, no. Right.

Auntie, they're so, and I'm not a foodie. Like I'm not, I'm genuinely not like I'm a frozen food baby. Like my mom had me young and we did what we did when it was great. But like chicken cave is luxurious for me. But when I got there, it taught me a lot about like good food, like good quality of food. Oh, so they're so right. And they're so passionate about it. Like all the reels with the people, with the partners snapping the pasta.

Yeah. They give us like a war crimes happened in the kitchen. Yeah. Yeah. Or even like how you sit there for hours, lads, hours eating. Like you sit there and everything like in Ireland, we got a mountain food, we gobble it and then we fuck off. That's it.

Like in Italy, it's this and they're sharing and that and they're chatting and they're stopping and it's so the oils and the bread. Yeah. Yeah. And you never get fat. I lived there for seven years. I ate pasta and bread every day and I was a whippet. I'd get fat. You wouldn't. It's something about the way they produce the food. It's all fresh. The pasta is made by hand. Like it's such a different thing. It's unbelievable. Honestly, it's something else. It's something else. It makes sense. Now, one of the restaurants we went to, so we got there at six and they said, we do need the table back by nine 30. And we were laughing going through the fucks.

Having a fucking table for three and a half, a table of two for three and a half hours. But it's that, isn't it? It's that culture of just wine drinking. Oh, it's so nice. And then have an espresso at 11 o'clock. Yeah. They're not, they're not trying to rush you out like no restaurants here. They want you there for, yeah. It's not that they want you there. They're just, they expect it. It's part of the deal. It's part of the expectation. When I was working in restaurants and they used to give you my dinner, like on my shift, I would eat standing up and he used to drive them out. My boss was like, I'm not going to feed you if you don't sit down and eat. He's like, you can't eat. It's like, I like your digestion. What about your

digestion? And I'm like, I suppose that I'd be sitting there for just wanting to smoke. I just wanted to focus my fag and take a poop. I'm like, come on, let me go. They were not like, but they are. It's such a cultural thing. Did you ever sit down meal at the end of every shift? Now we use the beginning at the beginning together. When I went to an Italian restaurant, that's what they did right at the end of the shift. Yeah. I'd be like midnight tea and it was a proper sit down meal there for another hour. So my mouth watering thinking about the food. Honestly, I miss it so much. Oh my God. Should we do an executive order from the lids? Oh, you want to go?

There's two things here. First of all, I would like to say, I think Italy of all the countries I've been to, it's probably my favorite. Absolutely. It's all around the best. America. Is it being America?

I mean, I'm talking Europe really. Okay. Every European Europe, like, there's just something about Italy. And to go back to Carl's thing with the woman in Docs, just for one sec, I understand people getting triggered by stuff, whether it's through breakups, childhood trauma, whatever, there's certain things

that tick me off and I'm like, oh no. And it can set off a bit of anxiety or a panic attack or whatever. That's on you though. And you should fuck off out the shop. Like you can come back to Doc Martens in 20 minutes and buy your shoes, mate. Shit, it's not that long a song.

Go for a walk and sort your head out. You think she knows that the staff are liberal enough to go, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's entitlement. Of course. And it's the one thing that bothers me more than any other in the world. Yeah, shutting down a comedy show

because you found one line upsetting or offensive. Yeah. Someone messaged Hattie Preston talking about, I can't believe you talked about IVF when I've struggled through my IVF. We did a gig together in Manchester. So they went online and commented on a video of the roast that Hattie, Hattie's a friend of ours, brilliant comedian, commented on a, a reel that she posted of the roast saying how offended she was at this gig in Manchester. Why is that bad? It's, it's good news for Hattie. Why is that? Just cause she's having a hard time with IVF and didn't want

to hear about it. Didn't want to hear a positive story about IVF. I did a reel about not wanting to freeze my eggs because everyone is freezing the eggs now, like every single person. And I was like, maybe I have to do it cause touring and stuff, whatever. And I did a read about it being like, I'm not going to freeze my eggs. Like just joking. And. And they, I had to take it down. It just wasn't worth that. People were just like, I've been on my own journey, this and this, which I totally get. But also this is in the same breath, my journey. This is also me talking about what I'm experiencing and there's other people who've had your journey, you know, like it's not at all. And I'm not shitting on anybody's like if I'm on a diet and you eat a doughnut, I don't mind. Like

what's the issue with you freezing your eggs? I said I didn't want to. What's the issue with you? Not wanting to. They just were like, well, you're giving people the wrong advice. And I'm like, yes, but I'm not, I'm on my, on my Instagram. It says I'm a comedian. I'm not a wellness coach. I'm not a fitness coach. I'm on a life coach. It says I'm a standup comedian. So if you're coming to me for fertility advice, then advice of your saying, I'm doing like people just, whenever it's about the thing they care about, they can't handle any human around it. No. And comedy, not just stand up,

but all comedy is held to such a higher standard and a higher sort of threshold than any other art form and any other genre of art. Like, think about like how much drama gets away with that comedy doesn't. How many subjects drama can discuss and talk about and everyone's like that's brilliant. But comedy isn't allowed to touch it. Think about American history X and what that film's about and racism and like repeated

use of the M word by actual Nazis. Like Edward Norton in that can say the end word 150 times. And you're not allowed to say it once. No, but like in a comedy film as an actor, that would never be allowed. And it's because comedy is not allowed to do what drama does. And it's just held to this higher threshold.

If it was a drama about the struggles of IVF, then the people who were struggling with it will watch it and go, Oh my God, that's amazing. As soon as someone tries to do humor with it, they go, Oh, you can't do this because I can't laugh about it. I can only drama about it. But comedy is held to such a higher threshold than any other. Because in comedy they see it because struggling in our society nowadays, struggling is completely linked with success. You have to struggle. You need to sacrifice unit, which is such a, if you think about it, a Catholic Roman church idea, there it is. The Catholic Roman J.

As well as well as a woman as well. But this is it. It's like people are like, if it's sad, like you have to suffer sadnesses, but when you make light of something, when people see laughter, they associate it with disrespect. Yeah. And it's so not the case. You're like, no, I'm coming from such a human place. Like the things I talk about on stage can be a little bit risky, but it's like, and also when you get to see real like in the room, I promise you'll trust me in the room. Yeah. If you're there with me, I promise I'll do it in such a way that you know, I'm not being mean or nasty. Like if you're there with me for that 20 minutes or whatever, but people just see a real and they're like, you're a piece of shit. And

I'm like, okay, great. Also, they don't have to say it to your face on the internet. Yes. And they would never in real life. Did you wind the Trump supporters up? Yes. I had to delete that as well. I got death threats. What did you say? I don't even remember. So I get that with Everton funds. I don't even remember. Do you? Yeah. Yeah. We do do that too. Jesus. It's not. People are not sent. They, they're absolutely not. What did you say to one of the Trump fans? I honestly, I said about him getting something about him knocking. I honestly can't remember because I don't do my reels.

If you see them, it's me walking. I just think of something. I say it just touched at the wall. You know yourself, you're just building and building. I don't have a podcast for content. So I'm like, I just got to put a little snippet out there. And I said something about him getting shot and I did the Irish wink and I honestly don't remember what I fucking said and they just went nuts. They just went absolutely crazy. Lots of views though. Huh?

Lots of views. Yeah. Like not, no, 2 million, but like, no, it's loads of views, but at the same time it wasn't I'm like, well, none of these are going to buy tickets. I don't really want to. Yeah. You know, like I'd rather 20,000 views and a full room. You know what I mean? I'm like, I don't need this shit. You know, it's all just nonsense. Like they were, and all of them go for my looks. That's it. Like that's the foot, like none of them. And I'm like, you know what, if you're in front of me, I'd make you laugh. So make you come as well. You piece of shit.

That sounds great. It's a great day. I don't like how you look. Well, if you were in the room, you'd be laughing and coming. So fuck you. Exactly. But Jenny might be like, I'm like, yeah, right. We've got some executive orders from the listeners.

If you want to send one in, haveawordpod at gmail.com. The first one is about Instagram. Jack Hindman says, remove double tapping to like an Instagram post just in case of an accidental like from years ago. No, just stop being a pervert, mate. Oh, fork off from your high stool on the moral high ground. Because we've all had a little- Well, do you wanna know the reason

I actually don't wanna take away this from the thing? It's not because I want him to stop being a pervert. It's because if you are a single man, a way to start a conversation is to go back on their profile, double tap it, and then you wait for them to message you going, caught you creeping and that starts the conversation. It's a little fake accident. I didn't mean that. And then the chat starts.

So you want to make sure the accident is still possible. Yeah. So you can be like, oh, that was an accident. No, it wasn't. It was a conversation starter. Also, if you're unlikely, they don't get the notification. Sometimes you can double tap and not realize you've liked it. Oh, that's yeah. And sometimes as well, it's not even because you fancy someone. Sometimes you're just having a wee nose. Sometimes you get stuck in the wormhole and all of a sudden you're... We thought we all do that. What did it look like 10 years ago? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always have a little scone or... I'm 33 Adam.

He can't do that. He can? No, no, no I can't. Brian Handelman says, executive order for you lads. If you call someone and you're on speaker with people around, they should be legally obliged to say you're on speaker when they answer the phone. Rang my wife and slagged off her brother's missus while the both of them were in the car. Feel like that's her fuck up there.

You should naturally go. Are you on speaker by the way? Yeah. That should be the first thing. Yeah. Or like, I'm sure that I'm in the car. Yeah. Because you might go, oh should be the first thing. Yeah. Oh, like, I'm sure that in the car. Yeah. Because you might go, Oh, Adams, whatever. Or there should be a little beep when the answer.

No, just a little beep. You bring me and you don't want to slag fin off. And I go, I had them send a car with Finn. You instant you instantly. If I'm ringing to slag someone off, I don't want anyone in the, like I want off speakerphone. Yeah. I know, but I'm saying it's always good to say you're on speakerphone and these are the people who are here. Yeah, but soon if you, if someone rings you and then you answer immediately,

you're on speakerphone by the way, it looks like you're like, because you usually cut this person off that I'm with. Well, do you know what I do? I do that and make it look like a joke. So if I'm in the car with you and Carl rings me, I will literally go, I'm in the car with Dan, so don't slag him off. Yeah. Yeah. Fair. And then you go, he would never have done that. Really? He normally does.

And then Carl goes, I'll call you later. You want to hear what happened to me? It's not that, but it's similar to that, but the husband and the wife. So I was doing a little press run in Ireland and I did a podcast. Oh, I did a TV or a radio interview with this guy. I can't remember his name. I can, but we'll leave it off. And I come out of the interview and I had another interview with another radio station the next day and she forgot to call me at 12. So she rings me and she's like, Kyle, I'm so sorry. And I was like, listen, I was up the wall myself. I had this interview and

this interview score. How did it go? I go into the first one went well. And so and so we'll call him Dan. I goes, he was right. I also fucking piece of shit. I was like zero crack and she's like, Oh sure. Look, hopefully tomorrow will be better. And I said, I will. Yeah. Hopefully next day comes around to go into studio on a Sunday at two FM. And I'm like, how's it going? They're great. And I goes, what about your manage goes, you won't believe this, but that's actually my husband. I just doubled down. I was like, well, he was a piece of shit. So, and I was like, yeah, yeah. Cause I was like, he was, he was a fucking nightmare. And I was like, well, I was like, he was, and she goes, yeah, I said it to him. And he's, and I was like, I look, some people

just don't get on, but I was like, Jesus Christ. I think you can get away with that. Cause that sort of your shtick, you can give a little, yeah. If it's, if you were proven properly, you did that. There's no like, ah, and you know what? Like who cares if I don't like them, right? Like in, in a world full of people, me and him didn't click. Like that's okay too. Like, and did she roll with it? Yeah, yeah. She just laughs. She goes, you're not the first one. She said, Des Bishop said the same thing. And I was like, good. Have you ever seen a screenshot about somebody to the person? Yeah, no, I haven't, but I've received one as the person being spoken about.

Oh, that honestly makes me want to shoot person. Yeah. No, I haven't, but I've received one as the person being spoken about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That honestly makes me want to shoot myself. I did it with a friend that was waiting to pick a friend up. Yeah. And he was very late and I was texting him and then I went to text him about the person, but text the person. I said, no wonder I'm not his real mate. Oh, that's so dark. That's so heavy. I'll tell you later. You do not. And I just want and he got in the car and we didn't mention it. I just wanted to just know you have to mention it. Oh, she mentioned, no, he didn't mention it and I can't bring it up. Would you have just gone? God, that was awkward. Yeah, I would. I could, but I literally can't

not like I literally like if I walked in here and I, one of you were an amputee, I would have to be like, what happened to your arm? Like I, it just caught, but it's not nosiness or inappropriateness. It's just like, we're all fucking looking at this thinking. Like I just feel so there's a, my four year old similar, but he's the, you know, yeah, he's four. Yeah. Oh, do you know who it is now? He's just an impression of him.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's not nice, but it happens and stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And also deep down everyone knows that real friends. Uh, Olly Wright says executive order. I've been out of the game for a long time now. Married with kids, but you guys have spoken about bumble on here before where the lady messages first. I mean, that was that, did that used to be the case, but it's not anymore. But that was the vibe of Bumble, wasn't it?

Make a chain of Bumble bars stroke clubs where the same rules apply. You can go just as any normal bar, but it's accepted men do not make the first move in the bar. Women can approach guys for a chat or a dance or whatever, but men aren't allowed. It's just me and his mates in every single one of these. So creepy. It's just a traffic light. Why is it creepy? All the men just standing in silence. She's gone. She comes over. It's not even creepy, but it's just a sure. I think you've made it sound

more like, I think if you look at it another angle, it just means men can't be creeped. But if they stand there going, and also talking to a woman doesn't make you a creep. A creep is a creep. A creep is just a creepy. This discussion is set all the time. And unfortunately there's no way of showing it. As women, we have really good intuition to keep us alive. So it's like, yeah, cause I'm people who kill us as you guys, no offense, but like, you know, to a lift lift to a dead body. Cause he wasn't a creep, Finn. I promise you, I knew some men, you just feel safer. Like I'm in here and I'm like, I know you guys aren't creepy. Jack, I don't know. But no, no, but like you just as women it's, and it's not about looks or appearance or anything. It's just, we have something in us.

And you're like, I was coming home from tour one time and I got, and I came out of the airport in Barcelona and there was a taxi man there and you have to queue up. Cause I was like, I'm not getting in that care. And he was normal and I was like, there's just something. I was like, no way. So it's just, and it's not about that. It's just, and like some, I think that is kind of nice that idea of a woman approaching cause some men are a little bit like my fellow probably wouldn't, he would take his time. You know what I mean? So like I was on stage when I met him, he was in the audience and I was chatting to him or whatever. So it was kind of me that initiated, but

do you know what I'd love to know? Genuinely what I'd love to know. Right. Cause when I'm stone cold sober in a bar, the idea of going over and talking to a girl, like I would do it, but it take a bit of, it take a little bit like, what am I going to say? Like, yeah, I think about it, you know? Yeah. And then a few drinks in, like I've spoken to people and it's gone nowhere, nowhere. And just, you know, go back to the lads and whatever. The amount of times I've been blackout drunk and ended up going home with someone. I'd love to know what I say when I'm not drunk. I've witnessed it. There's magic there. You don't say anything. Yeah. Yeah.

It's not a caveman shit. Yeah. You're both in the place where you both want to go home. You just rumble to a lonely girl. You just go, oh, is she crying? Perfect. You'll go over and probably buy them a drink and then you'll both go where you're not like, hi there. Yeah.

There's no personality in that, that you're not attracted to the person. I just want to know what I'm saying. You're not like, hi there. You're like, there's no personality in that, that you're not attracted to the person. You don't get blackout drunk and turn into Ryan Gosling. Just giving lessons on how to be. No, no, no, no. So few words. It's cause it's so hard to be intimate with someone. It's such a, such an intimate act like sex. And we've taken it to this extreme where it's so quick now that it's normal that we need to be drunk because it's not, it's not as normal to do it so fast.

You know, I think anyway, I would be a bit embarrassed if I had to do it very quickly. What do lines work on you like? It's chat up lines. Um, I just think if I, maybe I love it. I giggle. Yeah. So we chat up line. Even if it's shit is funny. I think you got some fucking balls about you to try a chat line on Kyla. Yeah. Because you're going to give it back. So it can't be, if you, if you're one of those guys who I know it's smooth, I'll learn this line, but they haven't actually got any crack. I think you go, you try that with the wrong person. They go, Oh, what about that? They throw back the serve. And then the guy goes, Oh, something I do that really works. I smile. I'm on it

like in a pair. I'll just smile. And that usually that's enough for him to feel confident then because it's hard, right? Oh, if a girl smiles across the bar, that's not good. I know what she means. If they do Robert De Niro impressions to me, I'm like, oh, smell me. I know. You want to smell my pussy. It's so nice. Sometimes one time I was in a bar and I was getting a dry Martini asked for extra olives and the guy next to me is like, Hey, you little chubby. And I was like, well, I love that. Don't try that. That's, don't try that. That won't work a lot. What's your favorite pack of crisp? Great opener. What's your favorite packet? Chris? Yeah. Opener. What's your favorite packet? Chris? Yeah. Cause it always starts a massive conversation with every everyone gets involved

in the bar. Did you hear what the man said to her? Chubby. Chubby. Hey, you little chubby. Hey, you little chubby. He was from, it was so cute. And I was like, I love that you call me chubby. That was hilarious. My favorite packet crisps. Give me some bad advice. I like cocktail. Don't go to a go and go, Hey, chubby, do you like crisps? Well, long cocktail waters. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll do. Just asking questions. I'm soaked. That's a pod ladies and gents. And what a fucking appearance that has been. Kyla, where can we find you? Kyla Cobbler comedy on Instagram.

And I've got my own website as well for tour dates and Edinburgh Fringe and everything. I'm around. Come. What are you doing at the Fringe? I'm doing from the 13th to the 17th in the underbelly. Class, that might be the week we come up there. I'm only doing three days as well. Yeah, I'm only doing a couple of days just to pop in and say hello. Lose some money and go home. Well, that's going to go down very well. Yeah. I'm only doing a couple of days just to pop in and say, hello, lose some money and go home. Well, that's going to go down very well. Thanks for listening and watching

everyone before we go for the audio listeners. Finn, who are you playing? We have got my good mates, the blue dolphin wranglers. They've got, I thought they changed their name to the Wranglers. No. Oh, it's the blue dolphin They've got their, their new tune, feel all right, which is an absolute banger. Also, if you keep your eye on my socials, I'm playing the cavern for BBC introducing as part of big weekend on Wednesday, the 21st of May, free tickets. So keep your eyes out for them. I'd love to see that. Well, here's the blue dolphin Wranglers. Yeah. Feel all right. It's a banger. Cheers. Thank you very much for having me. Feel alright, baby Wanna get to know you I'll make you feel alright

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