Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #33 Shutdown Pod (VIA ZOOM) -w/Adam & Dan

Episode Date: April 15, 2020

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What's happening guys, it's Adam here. Just a quick word from our sponsors before we kick off today's episode. That is Beer52.com Beer52 is the UK's most popular craft beer discovery club. They're number one, baby! And they'll send you some amazing beers every month and you can rate and review them via their website to earn points and rewards. Now every month's beers that you get sent will have a brand new theme.

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Pokey Pokey Picking a Pokey Good morning job seekers Oh my god Okay it's happening Catch me outside How about that Have you never seen me before

Upset me Nasty bitch I'm big boned I'm heavy structured I'm hung low if i pull my shit out this whole room get dark disgusting it's the end of the world as we know it and i feel like podcasting two mics two lids and a lot of time on their hands this is have a word shut down dailies let's get through this mess together.

Hiya mate! You alright? Are you mate? You're right. Welcome back to another episode of Have a Word, the podcast with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. Ooh, that's a weird voice. My brother-in-law's just got me Pringles, and I know everything's going on. Things have been tight.

You know, shops have been struggling. You've got to do the distancing. There was fucking empty shelves. But he he's bought back pringles and i don't think that's on this this is not on this is a one it's a fucking santa claus pringles packet so i know shit's got real but don't sell me the fucking christmas stuff and look at the fucking kicking that's taken that is taken and he was like that was the best one of all of them. And you know what? Are you moaning that you've got a dent in your Pringles can? Even though it's dated, it might even pass its sell by date.

It's had the shit kicked out of it. In my head, I'm like, yeah, fuck, it's still good. It's still Pringles, baby. It was ready salted Pringles, by the way. I like a ready salted Pringles by the way i i like a ready salted oh hi hi fucking hypocrite row you have literally been on the podcast and said i quite like ready salted some of my favorite crisps well i agree some of my favorite crisps original i like ready salted crisps like in a pocket oh okay but ready salted pringle if you're gonna Pringles, it's sour cream and chive or onion or whatever it is.

It's a bit busy for me. A bit busy for me, that. A little bit fucking busy for me. And welcome to our new section, Crisp Review, ladies and gentlemen. This is where we review your favourite crisps. Daniel, Thai sweet chicken McCoy's, what are you saying, mate? Oh, oh, maybe. If I'm on holiday, if I've got some time off. Daniel Thai sweet chicken McCoy's What you saying mate Oh Oh Maybe

If I'm on holiday If I've got some time off Top tier It's not a working crisp That is it That's a treat crisp That's when you're feeling lavish You're not bashing that

On the meal deal If you're living like that Fucking I don't know how you're living I go I go staple From WH Smith It just says everything about you

You're bold When you stop at a service station and you get a little four pound wh smith meal deal oh it's nice with your hummer coys things i don't miss about comedy driving back on the m62 to some shitty service station and being like i'm just gonna get whatever and just eating shit for the last hour home going i should have been eating you're like fucking midget gems a pepperami and a fucking can of dr pepper and you're like get on you get home you're like oh i don't feel so good you're like your body must be going what the fuck are you doing bellend because does your

body know you're driving like your body just thinks you're sitting down so your body must think has this cunt just got up walked walked a little bit, and then bought a pepper army? Fucking... Midget gents, what is he trying to do? Give yourself a bit of like, just pre-bed diabetes? Woo! Really fucking sugar up the dreams. How's your day been?

Yeah, just been, you know know fucking plodding around the garden spoke to one of our comedy friends Kev Bland who's a former comedian promoter friend of mine and we've become really good buddies we're thinking about even starting a gig one day we've been talking about it and I do a regular gig

if you're in the Shrewsbury or Shropshire area or even if you're just visiting Shrewsbury on a weekend and you're still around on a Sunday night, Theatre 7 on a Sunday night is such a gem of a gig. And it's run by one of the soundest guys in comedy, Kev Bland, who is more interesting than his name would suggest. And we just, I've been meaning to ring him, but he's one of them people I don't worry about.

Like, I wouldn't worry about you in this. I know we're mates, but obviously we don't ring each other because we speak to each other for about nine hours a week. It's pretty intense. But there are some people who I instantly, is this hit your family?

I think everyone's been ringing the family a bit more. And then you sort of go through, you've got like an itemized list of people you like, really want to connect with them. And Kev is someone I wanted to connect with,

but I know he's fine because he's got his life together. He's got his family. He's a dad. He's sorted. He's like 50-odd, and he's just switched. But it was great chatting to him. Really, really enjoyed it. And it's good to speak to someone who isn't a comic,

because a lot of comics are like, when are we going to gig again? Like fucking smackheads who've lost the dealer's number. Like, do you know if we can get any gigs? Do you know anyone who can get any gigs? Do you know anyone who has got any gigs? Can I have just a little bit of a gig? And he's a promoter and he's got his own business. And it was actually really good to talk to him.

And his story, if you won't have heard of him, if you've never worked in stand-up, he did stand-up for about six or seven years and then went, do you know what? I'm not progressing. I'm just going to get out of the way of all the people coming up. So he just quit. Even though he enjoyed comedy, he was like, know what i'm not progressing i'm just going to get out of the way of all the people coming up so he just quit even though he enjoyed comedy he was like yeah i'm not going anywhere i don't think i'm going to progress and he was professional he was

making money but he was just like yeah i don't think i'm going to be as good as i want to be so retired i've got so much respect for comedians who are fucking not good enough who just fuck off there's so many who need to do that who just need to go it's time man it's time, well I was talking about this a while back with another comic, we were at the

Manchester store, I think it was Jimmy McGee and we came up with a rule where you should get 8 years and after 8 years you go to a governing body of other comedians. Oh, my God. That would be so fucking intense. Who's on the governing body? Mick Ferry, Sean Locke, Sarah Millican.

You'd be like, fucking hell, that'd be brutal. And they have, so there's seven of them and you need a majority vote to be allowed to carry on doing comedy. Oh, fuck me. That is a intense, evil, brilliant idea. Yeah.

And the comedians, you know, it's not like whether they think you're funny. It's whether they think you're making a viable effort of being a comedian are you adding to the circuit do you are you getting regular paid work in the right places do you run a gig do you have you give back to the industry it all gets caught taking are you a positive are you a positive? And what are the factors like originality, funny, reliability? Are you a cunt? Are you sound? Are you actually cracking on and you're going to be something?

But not every comic is. Says Don Nightingale. Sometimes you hit a level, but you watch some comics and you're like, you're a cynical fucker. You've just decided what works and you don't care about any of these words. They're old, they're tired. You know it's bullshit.

You're just fucking cashing in. You've hit a glass ceiling. That's the fucker who's not getting the majority four to three. No, but you know what? I reckon they, like if I was on the council, although I think they're bad comedians and they're a bit shit in that, I think if they're still smashing gigs and they're like, they're a bit shit in that.

I think if they're still smashing gigs and getting plenty of paid work, they should be allowed to carry on as a comma. So what is it? Is it all of that? And then not smashing as well? Yeah. It's, it's people who are just,

you just don't belong. You just need to go. This isn't happening. Is it? Let's just go and do you know what? Let's go and buy a canal boat i look i love this game i really love this game but you know what gives me like this weird unknowing anxiety deep inside that somewhere in the world there's two comics going oh and i tell you else can fuck off dan nightingale oh. Oh, I'm fucking bored of it.

Oh, I can do a black American voice. Oh, I've got a bit about cocaine. I'll be like, I'll be like. But that's exactly what I'm saying. It's not about whether they think you're an artistically good comic. It's about, do you murder it? Are you good enough? Or are you improving?

Are you proving your worth? Are you getting shit done? Are you hard to follow? Are you that? And then every year when comedy gets more and more densely populated it should always be there is slightly more comedians than there are gigs. And every year at the Chortle

Awards, like at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year, they do the list of sportsmen that they've lost. We could just list the comedians that have lost. This year, we lost. Go on. No, I knew. I saw the fucking look in your eyes through the Zoom.

Like, go on, Dan. I like it where this game's going let's burn some fucking bridges rob thomas who is now driving taxis again for freddie quinn who is teaching people hey if you mention to rob thomas our friend who is a comedian and drives taxis that he should fuck off the taxis and just go professional even before all this covid19 shit hit he used to get so angry it was one of those ones you're like i shouldn't press this button and just go professional. Even before all this COVID-19 shit hit, he used to get so angry. It was one of those ones where you're like,

I shouldn't press this button, but I know in conversation it's fun to press it. I was like, mate, even though he's told me this is what all the dickheads say and it pisses me off, I just started saying it to him in conversation like I'd forgotten what he'd said. I was like, you should give up the taxes and go full time. No, why the fuck would I get... Mate, it's a good fucking...

Oh, fuck off. Brilliant. And I've spoken to him since the corona's hit, and he's like, yeah. No one's fucking telling me that now, are they? While I'm driving fucking key workers' kids to fucking school. You're like, all right, Rob.

You're right, you're right. You know what I seen yesterday? Cab pod. Has he done it? Go on, sorry, go on. This is mental, okay? You know, because, like like no one's going anywhere obviously there's still a few taxi drivers

doing the odd job and whatever but the taxi industry is obviously being hit because no one needs to fucking go anywhere certainly not in a rush I went to the chippy the other day and a fella turned up in a black taxi and went in the shop and collected like four receipts worth of stuff

and I was like fucking hell he's hungry he's hungry. He's fucking delivering for them. He's delivering. There's a fella who's got a black for the chippy. He's working for Justice. It totally makes sense. There's loads of takeaways. They can't cope with the amount of deliveries.

There's not enough drivers. I'm now a delivery driver. It's literally just supply and demand and it it makes total sense i mean have you ever done that this never happened in a place where there was loads of people ordering but if there was a lot of competition i've i've lived in places where there was a ton of competition and i and i've had mates that doesn't i don't know if i ever done this myself who used to pissed go to a taxi rank and be like i'm gonna like sorry if takeaway and be like can i order some food for delivery to my house and they'd be like yeah yeah it's so and

so for the delivery and they'd be like right okay where'd you live and i'll be like they'd give them their address and then be like well i'm here so can i drive with the food as well and that's that's how you know if a takeaway is not doing that great if they're like yeah yeah jump in you fucking bellend if a restaurant or takeaway's doing well they're like no mate we're not insured to drive you and your fucking supper you lazy shit but if they'd be like yeah okay reluctantly you'd have to sit

delivering a pound of taxis six quid can I have what's the minimum order fuck off you sat with your onion barges on your lap. A sausage for delivery. I think we've all fucking heard of that. Let's say we fuck up somehow and the podcast stops making money.

So we're not making anything from this podcast at all. Yeah, so it's Romeo Day. Huh? Yeah. And for whatever reason, entertainment goes out the window, right? So people are too scared

after the lockdown to go into fucking basements and watch comedy because they don't want to catch the virus. Still worried about it. Yeah. So you've got to get another job. Yeah, yeah. What are you going to go for? Porn. Straight to porn. Straight to porn. Straight to porn.

Gay porn. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I think you're more valuable as, like, someone getting bummed than doing any of the sex. I don't. I'd like to do some of that pegging porn where you're knowing a woman, like, a really hot woman, and you're like, where's this going? bummed than doing any of the sex i don't i'd like to do some of that pegging porn when you know when a woman like a really hot woman and you're like where's this going and then some weird guys getting

bummed by and you're like wow i need to stop going so deep into these fucking porn hub searches i i think there's a niche i've been watching a lot of porn you know for a while and there's a real niche in the market for five foot 8 ball guys who are out of shape and have a skin condition I've watched so much and there's a gap in the market there's no male porn stars with 5 5 and a quarter inch dicks

who have breathing difficulties after about 5 or 6 5 and a quarter? every little counts yeah that's your little dig in the middle a bit in it's true no one the thing is like i i'm all for like a bit of a more natural porn like an amateur porn but i can't these two things i can't do one an untidy bedroom because i'm like oh i can't watch porn when i'm thinking you're scratty cunt hoover your fucking vacuum like vacuum your floor but also i just can't see a guy that's like

in a horrific condition you know and you can tell the girls like oh this is great but you can see it in her eyes she's like oh there's big fat fucking mess can't do it can you watch form of the black dick can i watch any other porn that's the question i am so i am so pro black dick see i missed the black one said to me um my granddad once said to me he couldn't watch porn with a black dick in because his dick doesn't look like that and i was like granddad we've been swimming and i've seen your dick in the changes and it doesn't look like the white ones in porn either no one you are gonna you are gonna break the internet trying to find your exact dick like how weirdly narcissistic is that good i only watch porn with my exact dick in it like don't i want

to see the opposite my little five inch pink thing fuck that that's not interesting is it with a girl like with a girl like yeah of course i can do this it's a fucking doddle this is like this isn't even like a starter. It's like poppadoms. And your dick's flaccid. It looks like a balloon that hasn't been blown up yet. Your dick's got the rona. I love it. I love a big old wahonga.

A kachonga. Oh, why not? Why not? I want to live. I want to be excited. That sounded so gay gay i know what that sounded like but yeah no what job would i do in all seriousness and i'm nowhere here for comedy but that's enough with the bants what job would i do i'd like to not drive on a motorway for work

so that would be part of it i would be i think i could see myself as being a bit of a gardener i think i'd regret that as soon as october hit but right now yeah gardening's quite fun i enjoy it like being outdoors he was like a dance instructor okay i see you look like a white mr motivator serious that was my serious answer i was i was offering my service because to be honest the way you fucking talk we're never going back to comedy like it's going to be at least five years get in for the fucking long haul get your pink dick on porn hub or get in the garden um a dance instructor well i'd suggest i can't because i did some baby yoga with my daughter and it was the film trolls and i lasted

to about minute five and a half she got bored and so we were just watching some fucking hippie do troll based yoga. Bit of a fail. Not easy. You do yoga. I could see you eventually. If you get more successful and wealthy I could see you being the bell end who's like working class lad done good.

Gone a bit sting and then you start doing yoga. I probably could do with doing some yoga because i'm like the least flexible person in the world right like if i drop something on the floor if i don't really need it it's gone forever you just buy a new thing i do yeah i swear to god i'm getting you one of those reaches you know like for old people when they're like... I've got one. What? I've got one for the house. A little grabber thing.

Yeah? Yeah. Got one of them for the house. So I'm not flexible enough. You're 28 years old. Yeah, I'm four-clad. I'd love to see you, do you? If my body went in for an MOT,'d be written off I've got some bad news

I've got some bad news can't even let you drive this home mate it's my body I know I have to keep it in what can we I'd love to see you do some yoga

can we do I'd love you I just want you to record yourself doing a little bit of yoga. It's not yoga, though, is it? Because I can't do it. So, just drop something and try and pick it up. No, not right now. Like, I get out of breath tying my shoelaces

because I can't bend properly. I've all been there. Yeah? All been there. Like, I can only do one shoe at a time I can't do that second shoe on one go down

I have to go down time your shoe come back up for a wait a minute and then get back on it when sliders came back into fashion that was a great day

for you wasn't it oh you know I've driven to your house in sliders that's an hour long journey a three hour round trip

shout out to Deodora ten quid on ebay and I went nine housing sliders. That's an hour long journey. A three hour round trip. Shout out to Diodora. Ten quid on eBay and I went nine. You're such a wolf. No, Diodora fucking retro Serie A. I feel like an old Serie A player just fucking waddling round my villa.

Mid-90s football Italia. The only people who wear them now Are in St. Helens and they're digging for smack So I just need a gig I empathise with those motherfuckers Who makes your sliders lad?

Who makes your fucking sliders? I'm on Adidas mate, 3 stripe Adidas Yeah man, I've just got Laura some sliders for her birthday It's her birthday on Friday Oh is it? Yeah, fucking shut I've just got Laura some sliders for her birthday. It's her birthday on Friday. Oh, is it? Yeah. Fucking shut down lockdown birthday, innit? Weird. What are you going to do for it?

I've got some balloons and some sliders, so let's hope she doesn't expect more than that. Okay. And she's not really been boozing because of her. She gets anxiety. So I'm going to try to get her drunk anyway. I feel like everyone gets a bit of anxiety.'s part of are you trying to get a drunk just so she she'll want to fuck you on her birthday i want her to stop me that thought's crossed your mind doesn't it i want to be pegged i want it we're in shutdown we can't do things i want to live through it peg me pegged? um no no that was too long

an answer on it no what about me would suggest that I would not give this information we're like 32 episodes in

it's not like I'm like Adam that's the line I will not talk about genuinely I've got to I'm not even saying I wouldn't enjoy it but I'd have to start

with something smaller like a sharpie I'd have to just try a sharpie first before we went full peg. You ever had a finger? I've had someone attempt a finger and I, I put an official stop to it.

I wrote a letter from the government. I just get, she, she got a letter from the council. Please see. I got, she got a cease and desist basically. Cause she had fucking nails.

I want some clipping before we're going rummaging. Oh yeah. Oh, did you, did you clean your bum hole before she did it? basically, because she had fucking nails. I want some clipping before we're going rummaging. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you clean your bum hole before she did it? I didn't know! I didn't know it was happening. There was no... She wasn't a gentleman about it. Madam, would you mind if I went fucking index rummaging?

It was all just, like, in the moment, and all of a sudden I was like, God damn it. No, I didn't like it. Oh, I'm just so worried that like she'd come out and she'd be like, oh God, you pooed on my finger. I'd be like, yeah. Do you know why?

Do you know why that's happened? It's all prep, innit? Yeah, you have to prep if you're going to get a finger up your bum. I've had a finger up my bum. That's as far as I'll ever go, but I've had a finger up my bum. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. A word from our sponsors but I mean it has to be it has to be agreed beforehand

I'm not trying to take the magic out of it but and I'm not I'm not trying to suggest I've been me too because that would be way that would be beyond the pale

but I'm just saying I hadn't consented and that's it feels very like you're being very tit for tat by going i know women have suffered a lot and it's great that uh men douchey men are being held accountable but i i've been in situations where i was like wow i feel really uncomfortable with that and like after the fact i've gone there was no consent there like what else? am I a victim? what else?

apart from the finger in the bum what other situations have made you feel like that? I mean basically it's just that one in about 20 odd years of sexual history there's been one moment when I've been like and you told us that she stopped straight away it's hard to stop is it because you're in the moment and

you're like oh just go with it I tell you what else I felt uncomfortable about when I was 19 this girl asked me to spit on her

and I was like oh no I like that she was like she was from where was it I lived in Newcastle so just before I did

stand up I must have been about 20 19 20 years old and she was a mate of a mate she'd come up from Brighton or something she was

like I want you to spit on me. And I talked a good game. And you're like, oh, fuck. It's almost like one of those YouTube videos. You're like, watch this big mouth get taken down by a mixed martial artist. I'd been the big mouth going, yeah, I'm fucking well dirty me. And then she was like, wicked.

I've been training for this. I've got ground and pound. What do you want to do? Can I spit on you? And I was like, what? She was like, spit on me. and pound what do you want to do can i spit on you and then i was like what she was like spit on me on you no she went spit on me and i was like because i didn't want to go no because that's the thing when someone goes like for your bumhole or someone goes spit on me you don't want to because you're a horny lad you want to be like yeah but in my head i was like don't like it so i was like all right and then she was like no really spit on me i was like don't like it so i was like all right and then she was like no really spit on

me i was like she went no really i was like how much do you want love i mean i've got allergies this could get horrible oh oh oh i did oh no oh i think that's what she might have wanted and then she went can i spit on you? I was like, absolutely not, love. No, sir. Get out of my home. Leave my humble abode. There will be no spitting on Daniel of Nightingale in the west wing of this student accommodation. Basically like your ex-girlfriend.

And can I say something? As you leave, madam, when you asked me to spit on you, you did not make me feel like a princess. And then I, you know, but it's still in my head. So she did something. Last night made me feel like a hussy. What has happened in her life that she's like, yeah, that's what I'm into.

And that's what I like on a one night stand. Just met this guy. But I mean, that is, you are basically saying you are not, we're not going to see each other again. I should have, if I'd really thought about it, I'd be like, wow, that's offensive. You're like, this guy's not going to be my future husband. Spit on me.

Yeah. Yeah. Because you can't like, you can't have children with someone and have the roughest sex. Like the roughness of your sex life has to come, the peak of that has to come before you meet your wife

it can't be with that person you can't look the mother of your child in your eye and be like I've shat on you there's a lot of people listening who are like yes you fucking can Adam but I'm telling you this, on the first time you've ever bonked, if you

whip out spit on me, it's in your head, you're like, this isn't going, because where'd you go from there? Just like, what, the wedding night, like, shit's on my arm! There's no other gears. You've started in fifth gear. Spit, piss, shit, donkey punch.

And now I'll wait for my sponsors. How long have we done? 25 minutes of filth. Now then, everyone, let's have a quick word about Vauxhall Comedy Club in that there London town. Now, obviously, there is a fucking pandemic going on. No one's going comedy for a while.

But as soon as they are, if you live anywhere near London, if you're down visiting in London and you fancy some stand-up, some of the best comics in the world will be playing Vauxhall Comedy Club, which is, surprise the fucking prize, in Vauxhall. So basically, they've helped the podcast out massively by sponsoring it in our time of need. And when we're out of the fucking bunker, when we do our first live tour of this podcast,

the Have A Word Show for London will be at the Vauxhall Comedy Club. If you're down there and you fancy seeing some stand-up after the apocalypse, give Vauxhall Comedy Club a try. In the meantime, give them a follow on Instagram, at Vauxhall Comedy Club, on Twitter, at Vauxhall Comedy, and on Facebook, they're just Vauxhall Comedy Club. Join the mailing list so they can tell you when they're reopening and what they're doing it's voxel

comedy club.com adam's already played this room i'm really looking forward to playing it they do a bottomless booze ticket on a friday and saturday night you get 90 minutes of stand-up excellent tv comedians up-and-coming talent and also bottomless beer and wine. There's a Spirit and Mixer ticket for £35. There's just entry for £10. Be a good egg, give them a little follow and we'll see you there after all this shit has blown over.

Vauxhall Comedy Club, that's it. You are listening to the funniest podcast in the game. It's Have a Wad with Adam Rowe and Dan Nightingale. Fucking dirty one today, Adam. I like it. Ooh. So, just before you do your bit, because this is your curation, this section, isn't it?

I've got a would you rather for you that's been sent in by Carl, my best mate. Oh, thank you. And I wanted to run it by you. I missed that fucker. Yeah, you up for this? Yeah, of course, mate, of course. Okay. So, would you rather have to call a family member every time you jizz just to tell them that you've just jizzed but you can never

tell them why you're calling them and telling them oh my days carl you evil genius. Right? That's one. Or every time you jizz, you have to scream the chorus to How You Remind Me by Nickelback, but you can never tell the person you're with why you're doing it. And this is a proper scream, so if you're masturbating on your own, your neighbours would hear it

while you're wanking alone. So either you jizz and you have to call a family member and go, I've just come, phone down, or you finish, and as you finish... No, hang on. Never made it as a wise man, couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing.

This is how you remind me of what I really am. This is how... It's like a donkey punch to my brain. Hang on. The first one was you have to ring a family member,

but you can never tell them why you're ringing them. So you just... And you ring them and tell them you've just jizzed. It has to be two because I could... I mean...

Just let me clarify. Cause if you're not sure, then there might be other people. You've got to ring a family member, the same one every time. And if they die, then you move on someone else, the same one every time you ring them and you tell them that you've just

jizzed, but you can never tell them why you're telling them that you've just, right. Oh, you know, the thing with one is initially it's the worst one because the first couple of times i mean do you have to pick a family member to basically lose because i'm telling you right now my sister is my closest family member but if it's my sister she's going

to put up with that for about the first half of the first sentence of the first time I try it. Ten o'clock at night, crack one out, just about to go to bed. Oh shit, I'll ring Katie. Katie, I've just just, she'll literally be like if you ever fucking ring me again like this it's absolutely fucking disgusting. Having said that though, the family member would after two or three times just

block you. So do I have to then move on to another family member yeah oh you've got to change your number i'm going to as much as it's the word it's so the it's a terrible option never made it this bad man never made it i mean laura already doesn't already want to bonk me loads but that will really start putting her off. And she wants another baby, so that will weigh in the balance. This is how.

Also, Laura will be like, what the fuck did you just do that for? And you wouldn't be allowed to tell her. Yeah, but there's loads of shit like that that I'd do to her. She's called herself the big piece of chicken on Instagram just because I started going, look at that mama, the big piece of chicken,

and like touching her leg. She's like, you're a fucking idiot. I was like, yeah, but daddy liked the big piece of chicken. She rolls with it. That's how you stay married to a bellend, innit? Yeah, but she understands why that's happening because you've been able to go, you know, the Chris Rock bit about daddy getting the big piece of chicken.

You'd just literally be halfway through finishing and this is how you remind me of what the fuck you do Daniel what are you singing Nickelback for never made it as wise got it as a pro man stealing Daniel it's really putting me off

I'm not done yet this is how you remind me oh Let me finish. Let me finish. Who am I? Who am I? Oh. Oh, it has to be two. But you can never just crack one out on the sneaks. You know, sometimes they're in the spare room. And then you'd be like, yeah, it's got away with this.

And then all of a sudden, never mind. She'd be like, you're dead, bastard. Yeah, you could never have a little wank in the cupboard again i honestly think even if you took away the last bit of the first one so every time you just you just have to call a family member and you don't get to you don't even have to tell them that you jizzed you don't even have to you just have to start a conversation with any family member. I think even then. Put the console on your belly. Even in, yeah, exactly.

You wouldn't be able to clean up here. Hiya, granddad, you all right? I'm all right. They've turned the football off. I fucking know. You've been going on about it for a month. How you been doing? Oh, I'm all right. How's that?

And then you'd feel bad when you're talking about your daughter. Oh, God. So even with that, I think too. I honestly think too. With a potential future daughter just still sat on the beach. Oh, dying on the beach. Nasty bitch. It's fucking D-Day.

D-Day in my belly hair. Oh, Jesus Christ. Char, upset Christ. Char! Upset me! Nasty bitch! This is for all... This is for all the fallen soldiers. Spare number 89453. 89454.

89455. Into a sock. Do you have a sock? Into the bedding. Do you have a sock? Into the bedding. Do you have a sock? Into tissue. Do you have a sock? I've ruined socks.

I've ruined t-shirts. I've ruined hoodies. No, if you come on your hoodie, you can just put it in the wash. I've come on most of my hoodies. I have got some pretty potent fucking sperm though, honestly. In what way? I don't't know it's just strong you know it's a it's a very persistent stain i think you might just not be buying the best non-biotic oh don't jizz on a don't jizz on a primark hoodie that's a fact

it'll burn through it like acid or what what what you just asked yourself what you were talking about the best way we're at with this lockdown and doing this podcast every day you just heard because you've got headphones on

you heard yourself speak and it was such bullshit you assumed that I'd said it I lost myself really funny before i spoke to my mate claire and she was like oh i just rang because i was just laughing at your podcast it's the second one i've tried to listen to the first one was just uh just too much about wanking so i turned it off you know because she's a 42 year old woman and she doesn't want to hear a bit mean you and you cracking one out. And today, we've followed that bit of feedback up

from a close friend by talking about Shagging the One Kid quite a lot. What have you got for me? We have some, just a quick one from Paddy, who's messaging.

All right, Lids. I think I've been listening to the pod too much because I'm now walking around saying things in Scouse at inanimate objects Fucking love it Last night it took a weird turn You talk Scouse to stuff when you've been around me for a bit

My vernacular has gone 40% more Scouse recently, even to the point where, because I just do voices around the house anyway and I've been doing it so much around my brother-in-law that I started doing Welsh like oh I'm having a lovely day and he started doing scouse back at me and i was like do you know that i'm not doing scouse he was like i can't do scouse i can't do welsh um i've i've made my brother-in-law from sheffield more scouse via you last night it took a weird turn when I full-on dreamed

that Dan was my driving instructor. He was like a weird person that is too enthusiastic about everything with fake positivity. Oh, yeah. Off the back of this, I thought I'd send in a would-you-rather for each of you. Adam, would you rather your car's stereo be stuck forever playing Abba Gold or Now 47 at full blast.

So Abba Gold or basically, I remember Now 47, came out in about 1999. Generic fucking pop from the late 90s. Just Googling Now 47's track list. Sophie Ellis-Bexter, I'm sure. Rock DJ by Robbie Williams Life is a Rollercoaster by Ronan Keating In Demand by Texas

It's My Life Bon Jovi Beautiful Day YouTube Babylon David Gray Pure Shores All Saints Holler by the Spice Girls I mean I'd listen to this Can't Fight the Moonlight by Liam Rimes Oh you're joking

I'm going to put this on This is pop world This is pop world. Mate, Paddy, you've not been listening enough. This is the shit that he likes. If Nickelback is on that fucking CD, I am done. This is how...

Come on, John. Pomp and Bum. Out of your mind, Victoria Beckham with True Steppers and Dane Bowers. What a track. Is Sophie Ellis-Bexter on there in any form? I'm 40, so who let the dogs out? Who, who, who, who, who let the Reds out?

Who, who, Lee A? No, Sophie Alasbacher is not on. That was the easiest would you rather. Seven Days by Craig David. Had a little coffee on Monday. Gave us some biscuits on Tuesday. We had Chinese on Wednesday. And Thursday, Friday

and Saturday we played FIFA. You know that one? We pegged on Sunday. Had a little wank on Monday. This is how you remind me. This episode is going to be

one of the weirdest ones for any of my family to have overheard. I've said the word wank and sing more than most episodes. Grandad Woke. This is an interesting one from Paddy. It's a long one, so I'm going to try and really hard to focus on it and not wander off.

Grandad Woke. How am I Grand grandad woke? What's that about? Because you're an old Wokey McWoke face on the podcast, aren't you? How? Because you're always talking about women's issues and feminism and stuff. Yeah, you've literally summed up my input to this podcast. That's how I remember it as well.

Not even one mention that I call seagulls pedos did you see someone emailed in and went what's what's your problem with the pigeons you're like hey yeah i did see that actually there's part of you wants to be like get out more and then you're like that's not a fair thing to say at the moment um granddad woke that's me would you rather there be complete world peace but making jokes about race gender sexuality etc be illegal or everything so he's basically going because we know you're so woke you'd love world peace i would love world peace but i wouldn't want it to murder my fucking industry or everything is as it is now can we just park there you wouldn't be able to do comedy if there was world

world peace and you couldn't do any of those things world peace world peace but you couldn't race gender sexual this podcast fucked if there's world peace in this scenario oh so adam these pringles really are misshapen i'm gonna try one and see if it tastes misshapen yum yum it tastes the same thanks for listening everyone go to voxel comedy club where they've got jokes about fucking nothing or everything is as it is now and you are propelled into the spotlight on the back of making these types of jokes race gender sexuality but every gig there are rallies of people protesting against you and your humor see now every comedian has just read heard that or reads that and goes oh yes i'm basically frankie boyle but and this is where

he ruined it uh you can't get through your set without a heckler disrupting your performance and you can never ever have a decent comeback you see i know you meant to just pick world peace but it would kill the podcast so i'm tempted to be like yeah or i'm the only one doing these kind of jokes fucking around doing oh f**k my style order and then it's making me a superstar but he ruins it by going you can't get through a set without heckler disrupting because then you'd be like yeah he's tried to make it too convoluted danny yeah right at the end he's so because since i've been eating salad i think um that's all that matters to me now is everyone just feeling okay all the time.

Adam's career. It's more important now that we all get on as a race of people, as a species. We need to let go of race and colour and location and religious beliefs we're all in this together as one you know one love for the moment's time

never made it never made it if you turn into that cunt oh my god I mean I'll still do the podcast with you but it won't be as fun yeah you made it too difficult at the end there I mean, I'll still do the podcast with you, but it won't be as fun. Yeah, you made it too difficult at the end there. No comedian is ever good.

I was literally ready to give up world peace for the prospect of being famous and ripping it, and I don't give a shit about the protest because that is the best PR you can ever get for an Edinburgh show, isn't it? It's protest outside. Yeah, getting cancelled is the best fucking thing an Edinburgh show, isn't it? Is protest outside. Yeah, getting cancelled is the best fucking thing in the world, isn't it? What are you looking at? I can tell you're looking at something.

The Gmail? I thought you'd wandered off and started Googling shit, and you're saying that, and you're having a go at me for fucking not prepping the adhd thing properly and i can tell because where your eyes are looking you're fucking slightly off to the left i was like is this con just having a google about where the word orange comes from in medieval linguistic history thanks paddy that was a uh that was really good paddy from bristol good shout well done mate like Weirdly convoluted.

Got another would you rather for you. All right. Fucking hell, Adam. Yeah. This is from Carly Farley, who's a long-time listener. She's been to... She came to see two of my tour shows with her boyfriend. Would you rather have your post lockdown

haircut for the rest of your life so you've got to keep you know the little bit where you shave from the back you can't shave it at all basically you can never get a haircut again from now I can't have a clip no or keep your current phone

forever but with a completely smashed screen so you can barely see anything on it. I would honestly, I'd wear your pubes as a wig before I fucking had to keep this fucking phone. Oh, fuck that noise. I ate a... Oh, God, Adam's going.

Oh, that's Adam going. 24 to 35 and he's just... You didn't quit down the wrong goal. What the fuck? I don't know if this feels like a weird one I'm having a good time but I feel it's unusual I feel

like the kid that got touched on cup camping and still enjoyed himself do you know what I mean I know something's been weird about today

but I've still had a good time daddy the teacher touched my penis you were abused no I liked it had a good time daddy the teacher touched my penis you were abused no i liked it had a good time it's fucking with a balloon oh so you you don't want to keep i hate i fucking hate a crack screen i think it just looked it's just a mobile way of saying i'm a fucking moron and I've not got my life together.

A, I drop things. B, I'm such a twat, I can't fix them. If you've got a fucked up crack... And I'm not talking about, oh, I just dropped it last week and there's a crack. I'm talking about those people that it looks like their phone was in a car crash. You're like, what has happened to your phone?

Oh, I've dropped it 19 times and not fixed it. Piss me off. I'm going to David Dickinson you then. Okay. So at the minute, you want to keep your shit haircut. But what if I say you can't wear hats anymore? You're right in the nest. You're hair around the sides.

You've got to have a complete... At all times, everyone can always see it. What about now? You're keeping your phone or complete out at all times. Everyone can always see it. What about now? You're keeping your phone or you're shaving your head? Well, I've been wearing the hat on stage for a couple of years. I mean, I don't always wear a hat. It's just sometimes it's nice to get the old hat on, gigging-wise, because you get called Harry Hill, fucking Moby, pedo.

I still fucking hate a fucking Elmer Ford don't don't do this because this is white and white racism Howard Stern

doesn't make sense does Howard Stern with the massive hair no Howard Stern from like the

America's Got Talent judge it's Howie Stern isnain, isn't it? Isn't it? No. Howie Long. Oh. I'll name them.

Could be the worst one. I think could be the worst stroke best one. John Hartson. What? You look like John Hartson. What the fuck did you just say to me? John Hartson.

Fuck. Why is that the most offensive thing you've ever said to me? You look like a fucking big fat ginger ex-Welsh player with a big dent in his head from where he had a brain tumour. Mate, that's fucking brutal. John Hartson looks like Ginger Shrek any sound I don't mind him

if you're listening John you look like you've been built in a lab you fucking ginger lump I've got it you look like Dexter from Dexter's Lab if you grew up I'm bold you actually do look like that a bit. Because you lost me there with the references.

I'm still reeling on John Hartson. I've been called a pedo on stage for looking like this, and I'm still less offended than John Hartson. He's got fat cheeks. Fat fucking... Go on. That's the one from MasterChef. He's got fat cheeks. Fat fucking... Go on. Should we do a... That's the one from MasterChef.

Are you Googling bald guys? I can see where your eyes are going! Googled famous bald man. Don't use your ADD to hurt me! Fuck it now. Oh, God. let's have a look no I'm not calling you the rock listen

slamming me shouldn't take this much thinking time if you're going to slam I accept a slam but the scrolling is excessive John Malkovich I'm having one of these fucking Pringles let's have a look at them oh they're in good condition

wow oh they're fine oh they're fine are they I'm so happy for you, mate. Worst podcast ever. Still enjoy myself. Vain, Troyer, Mini-Me. Fuck off.

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Ah, thank you. Okay, boys Alloy Wheels Limited. Thank you. Okay, boys, let's do another feature already. Fucking John Arlton. Why did that hurt my feelings so much? Time to have a word with Adam and Dan. I can't even speak. I can't speak. Time to have a Word with

Adam and Dan. You can send us all the problems that you're waiting for. It's going weird, isn't it? It's gone really weird to be honest. It's gone really weird. I'm having a good time. So, Have a Word. First one is also

from Carly Farley who gave us the last there, would you rather? Good effort, Carly. Content. Can you have a word first one is also from Carly Farley who gave us the last would you rather good effort Carly content can you have a word with people in the shops at the moment that just fucking walk into you

also why is it people that are always like 103 years of age are they trying to die yeah bellends who don't get the distance thing it's fucking annoying

although some of the pictures of people walking in full hazmat suits to go to like, you know, the fucking Sainsbury's local, you're like, probably calm down. But it is annoying when some bellend doesn't get the distance thing. I've been loving some people's homemade masks. Oh, amazing. Fucking tennis racket with a fucking sellotape to someone's head

a three litre bottle of empty bottle of fucking pop as a screen thing or dine to milk oh fucking idiots yesterday in the co-op me and this guy in our co-op it's a nice one it's like a

smaller one but they've blocked off the end so you have to now do it on a loop. You have to go round, you have to go down a lane and back up, and then right at the back, past the crisps, that's where you queue. They've IKEA'd it.

They've IKEA'd it. They've IKEA'd it, because people have just... But there's old people in it. It's old people just going, I don't go that way. I come in through a paper in the lottery. Just fucking do what everyone else is doing,

you old dickhead. You're the one at risk, you fucking old bellend. Learn the rules. It says paper in the lottery. Just fucking do what everyone else is doing, you old dickhead. You're the one at risk, you fucking old bellend. Learn the rules. It says cross on the floor. Just stand there. I don't stand on them. Just die first then. Bellend.

Right? So this woman, and I don't know if the baby was brand new, because if you've got a brand new baby, you're tired, you're all fucked, you're postnatal, you've gone a bit mental. I appreciate there's women that don't do that, but I'm not slagging off new mums. But I think she was a bit away with the fairies. It's literally blocked off.

There's a no entry sign and she stood in front of it with her shopping trolley waiting. So I am behind this guy who's behind her. We're trying to socially distance. So he's two metres behind her. I'm two metres behind him. And now we're like in a queue by accident we're assuming you could tell from his body language he looked at me and i looked at

we're looking at her and it looked like she was just taking ages to decide what bread she wanted then the guy on the on the car went excuse me are you queuing she went yeah there's a fucking sign in front of your love says no entry she'd been stood in front of you, love. It says no entry. She'd been stood in front of a blocked fucking aisle with a no entry sign going, this seems fine. When he calls my name, I'll just fucking put... Oh my God.

So she was like, can you go back? And me and this guy had this little moment where you don't want to slag her off. And he looked at me like, she's fucking mental. And I was like, yeah, she was definitely mental. So this beautiful little moment. I would have slagged her off and she he looked at me like she's fucking mental and i was like yeah she was definitely mental so this beautiful little moment i would have slagged it off adegan you fucking stupid twat oh man you need more vegetables a little public slag off you know i just didn't i just did it quietly i just went that was a weird moment and he went yeah it was just so she that was just

for us she didn't have to hear it don't want want to ruin a day, but she's a spanner. The guy in Asda the other day reached across me. So I was looking at the sandwich filler section, you know where you can get like chicken and bacon spread and chicken and sweet corn stuff to put in a sandwich. And he reached across me, from behind me, across me to get something. And I swear to God, god you know what i was tempted to do turn around and cough on him now i don't think i've got it but i was so tempted to just scare the shit out of him go on go fuck yourself you little rat and it things have changed a lot

that within a month that's like one of the worst things you can do murder stabbing gbh coughing it's all bad at the minute would you rather get punched in the face or coughed on coughed on I'm such a fucking wuss I don't want to get punched what if

the rona's on the fucking fist at least no it isn't oh it's a rona free fist a rona free fist or he washes his hands before he punches yeah or a potential rona fill right hang on

how old's the rona cough how old's the cough how old's the person um they're both about your age both about my age can I be punched by a woman no I'll take the cough really yeah mate Can I be punched by a woman? No. Oh. I'll take the cough.

Really? Yeah, mate. I don't want to get... You're not going to get killed by a punch. You might get taken by the rona. I've got a beautiful, beautiful little white face. I don't want it fucking smashed up. I look like John Hartson. I wouldn't want that ruined.

Fuck my life. Mate, people need to stop. She's right. Carly Farley. What are we doing? Carly Farley. What are we doing? Carly Farley. Is that her name? Yeah.

That's hard work. I thought it was one of them, you know, like made up Facebook names. You know, girls do that. My name's Carly Farley. And this is my wife, Becky from college. Shut up. Fucking bellends. Carly Farley. Sorry, sorry. Carly. I'm on board. She's a big fan. She's a bellends. Carly Farley.

Sorry, sorry. Carly. I'm on board. She's a big fan. She's a big supporter. She's a patron. She can be called what she wants. I'm with her, though.

It is really fucking annoying, people just dicking about in shops. It's already stressful. Yeah. I can't. Did you say anything when he reached out? Because it is. It is really eggy.

Did you say anything, or did you just flay? I went, hang on mate I'm in a rush lad and I went doesn't matter mate and then I just got out the way honestly

beautifully done I'm in a fucking rush I'm in a pandemic dickhead yeah I just went hang on mate I'm in a rush

doesn't matter mate that was the whole end scene. I think you've done well to, I think, one, you've done well to just lay out your authority but not go too far with that. Yeah. You can be arrested for coughing on people. Can you be arrested for reaching across someone

to get a corned beef sandwich spread? That's just a caution. That's also what he got. He got corned corned beef sandwich spread. That's just a caution. That's also what he got. He got corned beef and onion sandwich spread. Now, I like a corned beef sandwich, but a corned beef spread mixed with whatever sauce it is

with chunks of onion. Disgusting! Disgusting! It's not even worth the rona. No. Should have licked him. Oh, no, that's not. That's counterintuitive.

I think we're done, aren we emotionally emotionally i want to go and stand in a fake queue and co-op no all right are you all right is your head gone what's happened i think we like i felt like i was in a great mood before we started and I just feel emotionally drained by this podcast. Honestly, I've had a really good time. I've laughed, but it's been a weird one. It's been a really weird one. It's because we're doing so many, Adam. It's gonna get

weird. This is like having six wanks in a row. That's what six pods a week is like, having six in one night. At first, you're like, this is gonna be a great idea. By the third, fourth, fifth, you're like, oh, it's gone weird. And the sixth one, you need to drink through it. Today's band is called Be Quiet, Shout Loud.

Their song is called Till the Weekend Comes Around Again. Their website is bequiotshoutloud.co.uk and you can find all their social media channels on there. This is Be Quiet Shout Loud, their song until the weekend comes around again. And I am going to call tomorrow the weekend because I'm going to need to drink on the podcast.

Bye Felicia. See you later. See you everyone. Bye bye. Oh, funny but weird Wake up, until the afternoon Today, woke up, then it passes by so soon Avoid, the things, that you don't want to do Now is the, time that, you start doing you You wake up, you're going to work You stay in your lane and you pretend Till the weekend comes round again

You wake up, you're going to work You stay in your lane and you pretend Till the weekend, cries round again Although, I won't do that, unless I really need to You won't believe, all the places that I've been to A great escape, you are overdue Pray tell will I ever get through to you You wake up, you're going to work

You stay in your lane and you pretend Till the weekend comes round again You wake up, you're gone to work You stay in your lane and you pretend Till the weekend comes round again Cross around again You wake up, you go to work You stay in your lane and you pretend Till the weekend comes round again You wake up, you go to work

You stay in your lane and you pretend Till the weekend comes round again You wake up, you're going to work You're standing there and you pretend till the weekend comes round again You wake up, you're going to work You wake up, you're going to work You wake up, you go to work You wake up, you go