Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #330 with Sam Tallent - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan, Carl & Finn

Episode Date: May 25, 2025

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's September Karaoke Party: https://www.skiddle.com/e/40966945Listen to Finn's new single 'Remedy': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/RemedyAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Huel | https://huel.com/haveawordpodGet Huel today with this exclusive offer of 10% OFF + a FREE Gift at huel.com/haveawordpod with code: haveawordpodLovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20Merch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. Hello everyone. Before we start today's amazing episode of the have a word podcast, we need to tell you about our Patreon.

Patreon.com slash Have A Word pod. It's one of the biggest patrons in the world. It's the biggest in the UK for good reason, isn't it, Finn? Yeah, you get an extra episode every week of this. You get all the specials. How many specials is it now? There's about 743. And they're all unbelievable TV level stuff. Lock-ins, we've been to Nashville, we've been to India, we've done so much. If you enjoy the vibe of the Have A Word podcast,

become a lid, join the lid army, patreon.com slash have a word pod. Also, Adam is one of the best comedians in the country. Go and see him live. I'm a good comedian, I couldn't say that. You're one of the best in the country, don't put yourself down. Go and find my tickets as well.

We do loads of live stuff and we've got a huge announcement coming soon. Tweak a nipple, get excited, sign up to the Patreon, enjoy the episode. Finn was great in it. Always. Heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Half Hourd. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. What's happening lids, this is not the start of the episode. You are going to really love this episode. This week's episode with Sam Talent was absolutely brilliant. We've just finished recording the first half, recorded the half with Sam Talent last week. But we just want to address something very quickly.

Last week's episode with Michelle Shaughnessy has gone down like a big bag of shite. A lot of you have expressed your displeasure, said that you didn't really like it as a guest and that is fine. Genuinely, we're not doing this to say that when you don't like a guest, you can't tell us. But there's been a lot of comments that went a little bit further than saying you didn't like the episode. They've been personal to Michelle, calling her a bad person, calling her a cunt, saying, saying the worst you can say, one of the worst people you've ever like, she is just a comic who came on the couch and you know, a lot of the stuff she said, she is in the pursuit of being funny. Now look, like we say, we're not discouraging you from commenting,

saying didn't really like this guest. We get that. And we also start, can't stop you commenting whatever you want. What we want to say is a lot of the comments were vile. We hated them. Didn't make us like you anymore as a listener than you know, we did before. And our guests read the comments. So you're free to comment whatever you want on whatever episode you want. But next time you type something really bad like the there was some really I'm not even gonna repeat them but the really really bad ones really personal comments about Michelle and You know, you've got the impression of a based on her appearance on a podcast that you listen to regularly or but watch regularly You don't know it as a person You don't know what she's saying for a laugh

and what she actually means and all that sort of stuff. And I understand that with comedy, those lines get blurred a lot. But next time you write a comment that could be deemed as personal, I just want you to imagine someone had written it about you and you're reading it about yourself before you hit post because there is a person on the other end

of that comment reading it. It is personal to them and it does make them feel like shit. No matter how confident or arrogant or full of themselves or whatever you think someone is, when they read a comment that's really mean and nasty about them, it's really fucking not nice. And we've had a lot of messages from listeners of ours this week saying they actually enjoyed the show and they feel really bad for Michelle for a lot of the comments she got. Now look, as I've said, I'm repeating myself a little bit here. Some episodes aren't going to be everyone's favorites and some episodes are going to like, there's so many of the comments on this week's episode that it was a bad guest and that you didn't think she fit in with

the show that we've got to listen to that and you know i think it's fair to say it you know we took a risk on a relative up-and-coming comic and none of us really know that well she's really nice with us she did a really good job at hot water really great set that night when i gigged with her after we recorded her. I think she's a good comic. I think maybe, you know. It's like being a comic, isn't it? Sometimes you have a bad gig.

Yeah. We've had, like, how many gigs have we done between? You want it to go well, you want to rip it. I've had tons of gigs that have just gone horrifically wrong. You get to do that on stage and yeah, you feel it in the room and everything, but you don't have to then see 300 messages and then someone DM in it It's just if you're someone who's DM'd the abuse it's just fucking horrific and

We don't condone it at all as we say when you're entitled to all your opinions And you know on this week's episode if you love it, then we'd love you to comment say we love this episode What a great episode and if you didn't like it, feel free to comment and say wasn't nearly feeling this one lads cool and if there's enough of them then that means guests won't be asked back and we probably won't ask Michelle back now because obviously she was not popular with our listeners and that's fine but the personal mean scathing assassination of character of a guest is just not okay. And we're just asking you to not do that again, if you don't like someone. And it's much better, much more effective if you don't like someone to message us and

say, hey, wasn't really feeling that. To like the pod Instagram, DM us say, it wasn't really feeling this week's episode. Put it somewhere that the people who you're, you know, not enjoying aren't going to see because it's not nice to read, you know, thousands of people saying I thought she was a cunt or I didn't like the episode. And there was a lot of moderate voices going, actually, I didn't think it was that bad. Everyone's allowed their opinion, especially with a podcast like, it's very opinionated. Just there is, there's got to be a line.

Yeah, do better. Don't be personal. It's not nice. If you're going to be personal, be behind the back. That's what we do. No, but you're also representing us on the internet. Yeah. You're our crowd. We are you, you are us. So if she's going to think, oh, yeah. And it'd be nice to be able to get other guests booked as well. Yeah. It doesn't like, you know, people talk in our industry and if, if a big guest is friends with Michelle or gigs with Michelle and says, oh, I'm doing that Have A Way podcast in a couple of weeks.

Have you done it? And she says, Oh yeah, everyone hates me. And then that person goes and reads the comments, then it makes it harder for us to get big names. You know, we want people to feel like they can come on here and they're not going to be abused afterwards because like, like I say, the large majority of the comments on Michelle's episode are not abuse, but there's a few hundred that absolutely do categorize as abuse and that's just not okay. So please pack it in.

All right. But this episode was class. You are going to like this one. Sam Talent was Falcon Boss. Let's do it, Pod. Hello everyone. Hiya. How are you?

Episode 330, I'm confidently informed. Class? Public. 330. I'm confidently informed. Class? Public? 330. I've deleted Twitter. Have you? Deleted or just, you're going to use it though for promo and stuff aren't you? I've deleted the app off my phone.

Right, right, right. Yeah, cause you- What did you think I meant? Well, you last tweeted yesterday. Oh no, so maybe you're day off it, yeah. Yeah. Ah, I see. You're feeling the urge to go back? Oh no, you replied to yesterday. Oh no, so maybe you're a day off it, yeah. Yeah. Ah, I see. You're feeling the urge to go back?

Oh no, you replied to people 23 hours ago. Yeah, I deleted it a day ago. How do you feel? Are you butthurt? Is one of those replies stung you to your core? I mean, you're a very fragile person. No, so there's a few things. What I realized is I can't resist the urge to correct and argue with fucking helmets.

Right. So like when someone's like, well, this and I know they're wrong or being stupid, I can't resist the idea of going, need fucking... Yeah. Like, if there was a fella in the pub who come up to me and went, hey, the air's flat. I wouldn't argue with him. But if they tweet me, I will. Right. So if I was in the pub, I'd just leave the pub.

It's cause it's on shows a lot to people. So I've left the pub. It's a busy pub though. Yeah. I've left the pub. But you love a bevy so. Yeah. I'll be back under a different name.

I think I might just, cause the only reason I really like Twitter is because the footy news. So I think I'm just gonna start Go for Sport. like one of those football accounts where it's like Mouse Salad the best number nine. Oh, nice.

Well, you'll know what to search now. Yeah. Someone's just made that up. I just, and the other day, like occasionally there's a couple of like consistent trolls I've got and I don't give them the satisfaction of either replying or blocking them. Cause I know that's what they want. But the other day I had this, there's one who like, I, if I tweet anything about anything, I could literally be like, I'm just getting a coffee and be like, Oh, who's asked about your coffee lot? And if I give an opinion, it's like, Oh, well, if Adam Rose says this is his opinion, then

it's the right opinion. Like, yeah, but you're replying every time, aren't you? Yeah, but I had a full on, full on like daydream about going and kidnapping him and murdering him. And I seen every inch of it. That's what he wants though, isn't it? Like I borrowed, literally borrowed Jack's van. This is how real it was. I had to bring Jack in the dream.

I was like, if I could just borrow his van. I drive to this fella's place of work and I just watch him for a day. I just watch him for a full day. Learn his habits. Just like leave him until his day finishes and he's leaving work and he's in a good mood. He's like, oh, I'm going home to send a few tweets out and f***ing shag me bed. I wonder what Adam's tweeted today. And then, yeah, I just coax him in the van. Have you got a plan for that? Or you just like...

I follow him with a Stanley blade and cut the back of both of his ankles. Ah, really? Oh shit. Yeah. Back up. Right. If you cut like the tendon at the back of someone's foot, they can't walk anymore. Well, it's his Achilles heel, isn't it?

So then you throw him in Jack's van and then I talk to him like... This is in broad daylight. Have we got a plan for like... No, no, no. So I think in the fan- Where I've is you can cut anything and throw anyone anywhere. I've is.

And then proper like Laura Biden, citizen style. I took him to like a warehouse in the middle of nowhere, tied them up and just cut bits off him until he slowly bled out. And at no point did I just like end it for him. I just let him die of pain. And I, I was the thing, none of it freaked me out. Like I loved every second of the fantasy of

it. And I was like, probably need to leave Twitter here. I had one of them and I, I bit to the day and blocked them. Oh, you didn't, you didn't go to a warehouse and kill someone, but like, right good good good my god what a fucking what a dull way to live your life just constantly like you didn't even follow me yeah they have to search her yeah so is this guy that's trolling you is it a person with a face or is it like an egg for now it's he's got a face um multiple faces so i don't know which one of them it is but i just find all of them right okay so he'd get his mates killed as well So I don't know which one of them it is, but I'd just find all of them. So he'd get his mates killed as well. It's a big old van.

Lots of sweets. That's how stupid they are. One after the other, you know, all in a week's work. So anyway, I've left Twitter, but I'm going to start a Mo Salafan account. That's going to be great. And a week today I got the keys to my house and I found me dining table. Where was it? Table time.

In the dining room? We need a jingle. In the dining room. It's a vintage one that's being shipped over from the Czech Republic. Now it's time for Adam's house. You didn't hear that, I don't think. You didn't hear that. No, I didn't. I was too.

I'm sad that we haven't already sorted a jingle for Adam's house because it's going to be the next God knows our love. Say it again and you're going to love it. Say it again. Okie doke. I found a vintage dining table and it's getting shipped over from the Czech Republic. Yeah. Thomas was sick.

It's more art deco than mid-century modern to be honest with you. Wow. What are you doing? No, I've got an eye for design. No, it's going to be such a shit hole. That's the one that's in Manchester. You're going to walk in and go, he's got no vision here. It's going to be such, I know that's the one that's in Manchester. You put it on a walk in and go, he's got no vision here.

That's a Czech Republic dance. That's Czech Republic art deco that. It's not mid-century modern at all. So it's in a Star of Borislav in the Czech Republic. Oh, Star of Borislav, great. But look, it's gorgeous, really extends out. Oh, well you need an extender for that. I care, do them.

Yeah, but they don't do this one. This is from the 1930s. 1930s, which actually checkers love vacuum. And what? How much is it? Well, that was a grand. How much is it? The cost? But like on the website, I found it on, they have like a slide and scale where it says low, fair, high on the price. And it tells you how much it is worth. That's actually worth 17 grand. And the indicator said it, so it's got to be true. Also, who said it was 17 grand? The website.

No, but who told them? Probably some antiques. David Dickinson. I want to say it was the guy. Probably a guy in the Czech Republic going, these idiots. This is where I have 17 grand. As is my house. No, it's antiquity isn't it? Oh, it's an antiquity. It's an antique. What's the difference? That's a good question. I don't know. Is that collective antiquities? The distant past. Yeah, it's an antiquity. 1930s, ages ago.

Hitler was only getting warmed up when that table was made, mate. 15th century. 15th century for an antiquity. You're still in the antique zone. Is it wood? It's pre-Hitler though. Yeah, of course it's wood. What do you mean it's pre-Hitler?

Walnut. You're in Hitler really. I thought it was prime Hitler. Mate, the reason it's not, probably changed hands to someone who's like, oh, let's hide from this gun. It's definitely, it's Hitler's own. You probably pay more. Yeah. Maybe it's worth 17 grand as long as maybe that's why it's cheap because it was Hitler's. I know I'm going to be worth more. I'd have Hitler have it. Hit this table will be worth loads. I won't then it's not his.

Have you bought it? Have you bid the bull? No, I haven't bought it yet because you, so what you have to do on this website, you say I'll have it and then the seller gets in touch with you and goes, Hey, it's going to cost me this much to ship it from Czechoslovakia brother. And then you have to approve that. So there's several steps and I haven't even took the first step yet yet but I've found it he's basically sitting on it eating great beautiful though what's you mentally well what price in your head is a table from the Czech Republic going to cost you the shipping they reckon between 99 and 149 quid I mean it's not bad yeah it's not that bad. You're gonna put a tablecloth on it?

Sometimes. Not unless it's in antiquity. If it's Hitler's tablecloth we'll think about it. Putting a tablecloth on something feels like you've hidden the table. But you brought that up. I know but you said yes. He said sometimes. He said sometimes. I'm meant to live either £1000 cheques or a basket of dining tables. I'm not covering it. That's how much dining tables are by the way. That's an absolute bargain mate. I'm getting that a fucking 92% off or something. I know you're doing well.

Are you going to survive this furniture expenditure? I'm worried that you're going You're judging the whole furnishings based off a few choice expensive items. Yeah, yeah. So you really budget shopping for the rest. Oh, so that comes with six chairs. Whoa! That's better then. Oh, I'm gone. That is a good deal.

That's actually shawty. I paid more for mine, I think. Antiquarian chairs? Yeah, and yours no Nazis have a fucking sleep at your table mate. That's since I did. It's just mine's shit compared to that. If I said to you this is worth like 20 grand but you can have it for 500. Yeah. Does that make you want it? Yeah. If someone like. You just said it. If someone, no, no, no, not you. If it was worth 20 grand. For the audio listeners, it's a seven pound Stanley knife.

Does it not make you want it? No. Why? Because you could sell it for 20 grand. I think I've boxed that in the shops now. It's crisps are 250 or two for four quid. I'm Beth, I only buy one pack. I used to be the knob I do bought two.

But now I'm like, I don't wanna spend four pound and have two packs, I just want one pack. And it's cheaper to have one. What crisps are you buying here? That's two pound 50 a bag. Yeah, like grab bags. There are some versions of that, but you can't resist though, aren't there?

There are some, like that where you can't resist though, aren't there? We saw an ice cream, it was like three quid for an ice cream and it was £3.50 for a double. You're like, come on. No, that's a bit different. But if you go the same thing twice and save a quid or 50 pay, I've grown up enough to go, no. And you're not just buying crisps prices often. No, I don't buy these crisps that often. I bought crisps last night.

They're my favourite crisps. They're spicy, Watsits, crunchy. And they were £2.50 or it was £2.50. For a bag! For one bag! It's that big? It's like a big... They're still only normally about a quid, aren't they?

No, £2.50 in Tesco. Might have been cheaper on the club card. £2.50 for a bag of Wotsits. Oh, can you fucking Google it? I thought you meant a multi-pack. I thought you were on about like Lancashire crisps, you know. Are they Czechoslovakian? Solid gold. Czechoslovakian.

Hitler's crisps. They're one pound ten. Who's your crisp dealer? Sweet and sour, not sweet and sour. Spicy. Kyle's getting fucking mugg off of fucking water to me. One pound 65, mate. You get-

One pound 65 there, mate. Yeah, on a car though. Who shops at a car though? Jesus Christ. Anyway, I'm saying I'm out of that zone of being a knobba goon. I'll have to. I don't know.

That doesn't make any sense though. You are costing yourself money because you'll buy it twice as often. No, but I don't buy these enough to do that. What do you mean? It's not something, it's not a necessity for the house. Have we got any crisps in? It's not like it's butter.

I'm saying that's a perishable, that's a bad example. You're just saying you only want one bag of crisps. Don't buy two. Don't get lured in by the second one. I've grown up and the offer doesn't work anymore. Oh no, I stock up mate. It's well better. I'm saving money and over a fist. It's how I'm afforded in Trasla back in tables brother.

It's the whole Costco thing, innit? I'll buy 97 of something. Yeah. Yeah, but don't you just eat 97 in like one go? I just, I just think the, the reasoning is sound, but you have to store God knows how much fucking stuff. Like I like a bit of space in the house. Cravendale as well. So that was two for 450 yesterday. I was like, I don't want two milks. That one makes sense though, because that does last ages. No, but he'd finished them. He loves it. It actually like confuses me how long Cravendale lasts. I don't know why you buy Cravendale. Why not? Because

it's been fucked with so much that it lasts for ages. You're not drinking milk. You're drinking milk. You started being a bit conspiracy about last year. Oh, it was that earlier in the milk. Arla. No, there was something in it. Oh, Beaver was a beaver. Yeah. Beaver was in the milk. Beaver, the tick tock. A fellow eats potatoes in one go. Yeah. Who now gets bummed or something. I don't know. I've not been paying attention to it. So much research going on today. All that food company use low-wage preservatives in the food. Apparently it leads to like sickness. Yeah, but they do a really good job of taking out lactose from my milk.

Oh, so you get it. Yeah, yeah. So I'm fine. Also, I just ignore stuff like that. Don't do the research. It's really good. I'm dead anyway. I'm 44.

So how come you're in the milk? That gets you, does it? Well, everyone who's got a diet shits it about milk. Oh, I can't have milk in my coffee. Like, shut up. Just have a fucking bit have milk in my coffee. Like, shut up. Just have a fucking bit of milk in your coffee. Just walk around the block. You'd be fine.

I thought your attitude when you were dieting was man don't drink no calorie. You got it on your t-shirt, didn't you? When I was proper dieting? Yeah. Yeah, when I was dieting in Jamaica. Man don't eat no calorie. I mean, that is a smart way to go,

but when it comes to having... Man don't eat no calorie. Man don't eat no calorie. I mean that is a smart way to go but when it comes to having... Man don't eat no calorie! Man don't eat no calorie? I've lost a lot of weight. Man don't take no calorie. How do you do water fasting? You just drink water. I know but like how do you do it? How do you live a normal life and just have water?

Because after a couple of days your body gets used to it doesn't it? Does it? Does it? Because after a couple of hours I'm fucking dying from the inside out. Yeah because you haven't got to a couple of days your body gets used to it doesn't it? Does it? Does it? Because after a couple of hours I'm fucking dying from the inside out. Yeah, because you haven't got to a couple of days. No I know, but how do you get to a couple of days? There was a guy who was in great shape and he was like, watch me as I do four days of water fasting. I watched the whole thing, it was just a clip.

And by the fourth day, yeah he looked thinner, fine. But how do you get to four days just scranning Evian? I don't get it. I can't get past 1 p.m. without getting jittery. Yeah, but that's because your body's used to having calories at that time. And your stomach secretes loads of shite that makes your brain go, we should eat now, even if you're not empty. Yeah. I couldn't do it. No way.

I could probably give it a go. A water fast, four days. Apparently it. No way. I Probably give it a go like water fast for days Finally, it's really good for you. You reckon if you've got cancer if you just don't eat anything but water for a week Then you just cured They And there was you getting the treatment of chemo fucking idiot just get Just get some bottle water. Yeah they reckon just like starving the cancer. The cancer gets hungry. Oh. And they need more of you. That's clever you just feed the cancer. No genuinely I'm not making this up. Someone is. I mean. You know just relying it.

If I got cancer the first thing I'd do is starve myself for a week. You know just relaying it if I got cancer the first thing I'd do is starve myself for a week First thing not telling anyone I don't feel sad first appointment back your cancer's gone. I know didn't need for a week Just been at the top Paying for it like a fucking idiot All the nurses chatting I don't want to ring the bell Cancer yeah, cuz he sort of heard something and then misremembered it, said it on a podcast. Turns out it's right. And misremembered it.

Five days of water cures cancer. All cancer, by the way. So you can have electrolytes as well. Oh, treat yourself. That's where I've been going wrong. Thinking water fasting is hard. Finn? Is it a verifiable fact? What's the source? I mean, I don't know what Ezra full body MRI is like in terms of legitimacy, but there's

a growing body of evidence that short term fasting can sensitize cancer cells to the effects of chemoregimens and protect normal cells. I don't know if we should be, you know. I don't know if we should be reading this Very Verified medical thing and... Very Verified. It's veryverified.com Mo Salah Dab S9 says, just get water, fucking McMillan's benders. Highland Spring, mate, there ain't my cancer chassis. Kerklem water. There you go.

I mean, I'd love to try it. Because if it's curing cancer, it must be great for me. Hopefully it hasn't got cancer. That's big. That'd be great. Do you believe the conspiracy that's being cured, but being kept on the back burner? No, no. No.

Because I think if you had a big business, if you had what? Cancer, cancer. You think curing cancer might be a big business as well? Not for everyone. The person who cures it. Yeah. Keep him quiet. You're going to cost us money.

Right. What do you mean? Do you not believe in conspiracies like this? Well, it's what I think about how much money Big Pharma make from treating- Keeping people ill. Yeah, from treating cancer. Do you not think if someone come along and was like,

we can cure that with this one tablet, you just take it, all gone. Do you not think Big Pharma would be like, why don't you just shut the fuck up? Right. I mean, that abridged version of it, I could see that happening. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe there has been some, some collusion within big pharma. No, the people get CEOs with charities get paid lots of money. Put it on Macmillan's. They're suppressing cancer

cures. The CEO of Cancer Research UK gets paid a lot of money. If his charity goes away, his fucking mortgage is not getting paid. He gets a lot of cake. Like Harry says to coffee mornings, Nescafe go bust. That's it, so big coffees in, big chocolate. Big cake.

Oh my God, big cake. Big homemade cake. Big tablecloth, because they always have them at coffee mornings. They're all in on it. Cars. Drive people to coffee mornings to raise money for Macmillan's. Yeah. So exactly. You've got the automotive. The one in Bursko is in the

train station. Train? So that's the big train. Oh my god. I was on this episode. Podcast dead. With all time. That's why we're suppressing cancer curing. Apart from Adam who's just cured it on pod. So you've got a fucking mark on your back, mate. You're going to be shot. You've not heard about Mel Gibson's mates? Mel Gibson's mates loads of them had stage four cancer and they just had bish bash bash, bit of water, fuel electrolytes and now the sound. They all had stage four cancer. Everyone. Three of them had stage four cancer and they're all sound. Genuinely? And what was the, what was the, what did they do? I didn't listen to that. Two years of chemotherapy. It's dangerous to know. It's dangerous to know. You're dangerous to know Mel Gibson. Stage four cancer. Cause Mersey rail will have you killed apparently, you know, cause the coffee mornings. Melsey rail.

Yeah. I'm Rogan. He's, he's, uh, he's gone on and said three of his friends had stage four cancer. I'm very verified. Oh yeah. AFP fact check. Um, yeah, it's not great. You're fact checking that Mel Gibson said it. No, we did say it. Yeah. Yeah. He did say it. There's not enough evidence to support. No, no, cause there's no evidence. It's just Mel Gibson saying it, innit? Iver Meckton and Fen Banzoli. They play for the Arsenal. Great players. Fen Banzoli, what a world cup he had. Fen Banzoli!

He's wanted for Paraguay! I'm just saying, you know, I think it's, I think everything's being cured. Everything. You're telling me we can put a man on the moon and we can't kill fucking rabies. Oh, so we don't believe in that conspiracy. That's another conspiracy. I don't think we went to the moon either. But there you go. You're telling me we can't. So we could go in the sixties, but we can't go now. You deleted it, didn't they? Do you know that? No, they deleted the code so they can't go back. The sign code. They went back a few times and then they went, this is absolutely

pointless. There's fuck all here. I don't need to delete all evidence of all the work that got us here. We can't go now, you know, like we're not capable of it. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. Right. And also no one wants to. Why? No, we do want to. We're actively working on going back. I'd go. To do what? I thought the British space agency are looking to put a woman on the moon.

Yeah, so we want to go back, do we? Yeah. To the moon? Yeah. Surely there's someone's job is to make us go back to the moon. No, I don't think it's anyone's job. I think we, even if we did it, and I admit there is some interesting points about that. I thought that they did it a few times and went, this is dead expensive and there's nothing

happening. No, they pretended to do it a few times. It was like, we can't actually do this. So we'll tell everyone it's expensive. You bought it like a big mug. The dark side of the moon. They haven't been round the back. There could be a Tesco around there.

They haven't been round the back. The gate was locked. The dark side. Just a load of aliens smoking weed. They haven't been round the back. It could be a Tesco around there. They haven't been around the bar. The gate was locked. Dark side. Just a load of alien smoking weed. They haven't been around the park. It could be the world's best. But even it wouldn't be the world's best. They'd be the moon's best. Where have you, where have you, where have we read that NASA are trying

to get back to the moon? What is this? Just something we've, have you got any, is this a thing that you've made up or is this well known if I missed it that we're all trying to get back to the moon? Surely, surely NASA are trying to get back to the moon. No, listen, you can keep saying cause you think we should. I'm, I don't think we should cause I think we've been. I feel like fact check McGee. Do you want, do you want the facts? Yeah. Yeah. We're going back to the moon this year. This year. This year. Fall of this year. Oh, we're facts? Yeah. We're going back to the moon. Yay! This year.

This year? This year. Fall of this year. Oh, we're fall. Lovely. The Artemis program is aiming to return to the moon with crude missions. The problem is-

Crude? Everyone's going to get sucked off on the moon. You fucking dick out, lad. Artemis. Tell me I haven't been to the moon. That's what they were doing around the back of the moon. Fucking. You can't see them, can you? They want to go back to the moon. Yeah. Do they want to go to the moon? Leaning into the conspiracy that they've

never been. I think they're just trying to prove people wrong. Yeah, I was going to say we did. They're not going to be able to because they just say that's fake. True. But yeah, it's because of cost and it's why they've not gone back. When was the last time they went? Like 1972 or 73 or something? There was about like five of them because someone hit a golf ball off the moon. The last person to walk on the moon was December 1972. 1972. Yeah.

That'll still be flying with that ball. Forever. It will never, because there's no resistance. Can you imagine being an alien on like a far distant planet. We'll get it in the head with that golf ball. And you're like, who said that? It's like if you were floating in space, the only reason to get invaded, wouldn't it? The only way you could change or like accelerate is if like you farted. Yeah. That's the only way you could like push yourself forward. Or you could just blow. Yeah. Yeah. They'd be very, you could blow in space. Big breath. Yeah. You could in space. Yeah. All right. Yeah. If you took your ass off, you know, the next. You can fart, you can blow. That is a fucking fact, innit?

It's the Royal Navy innit? Fuck it, just blowin' space. The spaceship's falling to bits, don't worry about it. Got great lungs. I'll blow as well. Just Adam just farting his way back to Earth. Maybe that's my life's purpose. That's what I've been training for.

Oh, by the way, I've got no food intolerances Zero that's insane zero. So what's wrong? Got no idea now you think about the Adam's are so did a doctor help you out and you DMS or something No, so I paid a premium for the all-encompassing full fucking thing bloods hair What did they take? Bloods. And they sent me and they were like, here's your results. And I was like, well, listen, love, I can't read.

That's okay, can you tell me what it means? She was like, ah, if you want to know what that means, it's 125 quid to come and see a GP or you can have a phone consultation for, I think it was 75. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, that's bollocks isn't it? Cause I've already paid, it was a few hundred quid for the test. The consultation should be part of the initial fee.

I don't even need a consultation. He's got the results. He just can't read them. Just tell me what it means. That's a consultation. And it like the, you want to consult with the doctor is what I meant. I don't even need to consult though. Just write it down.

Hey, you don't like you. Palma do that. Palma do that. No I don't even need to consult though. Just write it down. Hey, you don't write you. Pal mal do that. Pal mal do that. No they don't. It was Pal mal. It was Pal mal. Oh, that's weird. On the health MOT, it's like written out by the doctor

and it makes sense. What if it was like life threatening? What if it was like something dangerous? Can't tell you, 125 quid. Life threatening food intolerance. She was like, I'm not qualified to read this. That's what she said to me. The woman I was replying to She was like, I'm not qualified to read this. That's what she said to me. The woman I was replying to, she went, I'm not qualified to read this.

I can't help you. And I was like, well, guess what? Neither am I. So what am I meant to do with this? So I put it into chat GPT and it told me. Yeah, fuck you doctors. Nice. And you're fine.

Yeah, but apparently it doesn't test for gluten intolerance. So it could be that. So you did a food intolerance apparently it doesn't test for gluten intolerance, so it could be that. You did a food intolerance test that didn't test for gluten? Well, there actually is no gluten intolerance test. Right, you've just got to guess by the ferociousness of your eyes. You can test for celiac disease, and if you haven't got that, and you're showing all the signs of gluten intolerance, they go, you're gluten intolerant. And the way they tell you to test for it is stop having gluten for a bit and see if you feel better.

Which is what they do for a lot of intolerances, isn't it? There's no actual, you can't like just poo on a, like a... They would not want you to. Sorry, what? You can't just poo in a bag and they'll go, oh, I'm sorry, love. I'm not qualified to open that. Fucking stinks. Could you get out of reception?

Hi, mate, can you just poo in this bag, please? Also, either just drink fucking water, cures everything. So you're gonna stop the gluten or are you still on the gluten train? Is the gluten in bread? Yeah. Isn't the gluten in everything that's good, a good? All parts, isn't it?

And you Google what high gluten foods. Just write what is joyful and you'll probably get the same thing. Bread, pasta, cereal, baked goods, beer, gravy. Just bro there. If I got some back in those and laid you the gravy, I'd just die earlier. Yes. Same here. You can't give that. I mean, you can maybe give up one or two of those things. What one or two am I picking? I'm not giving up any of them. You can get gluten free loads of stuff. Gluten free gravy with gluten free beer and some bread. Please love the gluten free. Peroni. I can't tell the difference. To normal peroni? No it's an ad.

It has the Dora Dam good as well, good lager. Nice. I didn't even know there was, you didn't even know there was gluten in gravy until two seconds ago did you? No. Right. Why did you? No. I knew it was pasta and bread and that immediately is, I'd rather just suffer. Yeah, well you're not suffering though, you're just having a big poo. Is the gluten in chips and french fries? The deep fried veggie stuff is just deep fried gluten I think. Yeah, it's just like a big stodge of gluten in it. Some chips, not all chips. Hashtag not all chips.

Surely all chips are the same, They're just spuds and oil. Well, not according to Nando's. Just Google it's got gluten in chips. No, in potatoes, sorry. It's the gluten in chips. Gluten in potatoes? No, gluten free. What are people doing to these chips? Maybe it's like the triple club beef dripping ones. That'll be it. Won't it? Yeah. Gravy. So I can still

have chips. Okay. Maybe I can give up bread and pasta and let's have chips. That's what I always think about vegetarian. You know, when vegetarians end up looking like little skinny gims, I always just think just have loads of chips, two veggies and you're shaking the heads. A pair of skinny gimp's aren't they? I'll take that. Skinny gimp! Complimented. Sal, will I just eat chips? I'm a skinny gimp. What a weird company aren't we? A pair of skinny gimp's. Oh thank you. So the the drama of your arsehole continues. It's not the food going in. It's it's I think it might just be vibes. It's like a mystery in it. You've got to work it out.

Yeah. Maybe I just like shit. Maybe my body's just like enjoys it. Obviously occasionally I bleed from my asshole, but like that's just part of life in it. No. This is vibes. I got asked today about my poo like routine and I always find it mad that people have got like a, oh I always poo at this time. Yeah. I just, when I need to poo, I do a poo

and I don't think about when. It could be three times, it could be one. I don't. I go to the toilet, sit down and read for half an hour. Yeah. Or eight o'clock in the morning get up, do a poo and then I'm done. Are you on, are you scheduled? No, brother. I am. I'm scheduled about three minutes before it happens. Yeah, pretty much. In the morning, but then I don't go in the morning and then I always need, I always go to the gym, need a poo and then I have poo here.

Right. What did you just say? So like, are you scheduled? Yeah, no, in the morning, but I don't. So I know. Yeah, in the morning I need the morning, but I don't go for a poo. Yeah, we all go for shits. Yes. I need a poo. When you need a poo, go for a poo. I'm rushing out the house. I'm always go for a poo in the gym. Why? Cause that's, you can't go for a poo in the gym. I reckon that's one of the outdoor poo. I poo wherever I need. I've put in poos. I use pre-workout. I use pre-workout. I fucking, I get to the gym. I get to the gym and do something linear.

I think the gym was one of the best outdoor poos you can do. No, because there's always, every time I go to the gym before work and there's always a woman cleaning. What? And I can't do a poo next to the woman cleaning. I also can't physically push the poo out because I just like, I just sit on the toilet and just like hold it. Listening to other people's poos, like push the poo out. I sit down and then things happen

mate. I'm not pushing anything. A lot happens. I vomited blood the other week. Oh, you said you poo blood. I vomited. I don't poo blood. I cut my asshole because I over-wife. What do you mean you vomited blood? Was it when you were throwing up loads because that happened. So I went out in, I've been to Germany. I went out in Germany. We were drinking pints of Mojito.

Was it Ribena? No. No, it was, it was a pint. We were drinking pints of Mojito. And then I had like a veggie kebab thing at the end of the night. And then I vomited and it was a lot quite a lot of blood but it was like five in the morning and I was too socially awkward to kind of because I googled it was like is it all right to vomit a little bit of blood and google said no go to the hospital now but I was too socially awkward to wake anyone up so I was just like I'll just see if I survive through the night so I just slept through the night and I woke up in the morning and you're

fine. Yeah. I was sharing it. So I went away with my mate Powell. We shared a bed. Like if he'd woke her up in the morning, I would have just been dead next to him. Yeah. We FaceTime'd you during the last murderous road tour. It looked like you didn't even wake Powell up. Your best mate. You, you vomited blood and he just slept through it. Yeah. Just, yeah. Right. And also cause I drank, I think what made it worse is I drank about three, so I've been drinking pints of Mojito all night and then I drank loads of water because I was like, this will cure my hangover. And cancer.

Yeah. And that caused me to vomit because I just filled my body with too much liquid. But you started bleeding internally. Then I was too hungover in the morning because I'd vomited all the water up as well and the blood and the kebab. Right, right. Have you had any of this looked into since? What sauce was on the kebab?

Garlic mayo. I had nothing. It was blood because it kept on coming out of my mouth after I'd vomited. It wasn't like I'd vomited and it was all red. Like none of it was red, but I was in bed and was like, God, my mouth tastes of iron. But it's cause I'd vomited. But if I vomited blood, I would be in the hospital. Yeah. But I think that I've just caught something along the way. So it's probably fine. Like it wasn't like I'd thrown up a lung. You caught it with a drink. It might've been the kebab. Oh, was it a razor?

Were you immediately throwing up blood or were you sick and then throw up blood? Cause that does happen. I threw up blood in the sick. What do you mean that does happen? Like if you, if you've got a bad stomach bug and you've been throwing up loads, eventually a little bit of blood comes out. No, no, that's never happened to me. You can cut your throat and there's a little bit of red in you. Yeah. He was throwing up

blood. Yeah, but he's a drama queen. He was here throwing up blood. He was a drama queen. He was throwing up blood and he had a kip instead of ruining anyone's night. This is why I don't believe him. Because he was a drama queen. They would know I was a German household as well. I don't know if they do things differently over there when you throw up the blood over here. I'm puking up blood. Stay asleep. It's

silly English man. Cause they also all speak German. They also speak blood and sick. If you show them. Yeah. But if I go, no, I wasn't going to show. I flushed it. I was embarrassed with the blood in the vomit and then like how I couldn't then go, I couldn't wake them all up at five in the morning and be like, I've thrown up blood. Finn, once you're dead, by the way, he doesn't give a fuck. I just don't, there's something fishy's going on here. You had like red wine and just not mention that. No, it was, it was, I had beer and I had pints of me and it was pints of mehito and that

was it. It was, it was, it was something inside your body is bleeding. Yeah. So when the words and then healed itself that yeah, overnight or like the next day, I did feel rough the next day. Like internal bleeding will do that. I'm pints of my hero. Oh, I feel a bit woozy today. Jesus, I think I must be low on iron, you know. It must be that internal bleeding of God. Must be that kebab I had last night. Didn't agree with me that kebab.

Gorton Morgan! Internal bleeding. I had a genuine thing, I woke up in the morning and I was like, sick. Like I'm awake. Because I was like, oh I I could have, I could have died in my sleep. So welcome back, Harry. Can you go and maybe go to the doctors and just say that story and see what they say? Do you want some mad though? So then in, no, did you already said

what goes to the doctor and just say that story and that they might go, yeah, it's fine. Or they might go, let's have a look. No, cause I've not bled since we're normally with like medical stuff. So like we were in, we were in London over the weekend and Ellie stepped on. Uh, so we went, we went out, we would get to the easy hotel and there's a fellow called George and he was like, uh, oh, your room on, on top floor. Can you walk? called George and he was like, oh, your room on top floor, can you walk? All right.

I was like, yeah, that's fine. And we get up to the top floor and the room's less like the actual standing space is about as big as these two couch cushions. So I wish I'd said that I needed wheelchair access or something. And then we went out for the night, came back for Eurovision, but because there's no space, Ellie's getting undressed at the end of the night and then stepped on somewhere and went, ah, belt in me foot, belt in me foot. I went what?

She went belt in me foot and she lifted it up and like she'd stood on the belt and I was like, okay. And then pulled it, cause it was like a little circular buckle with like a blunt spike at the end. She pulled it out and this curved spike had just gone through her toe. But like she played off like or whatever and then just blood spewed everywhere. Oh, so you're worried you might have had a belt in your sleep? No, I was like, but I knew. Mr. Robinson, there is a seat belt inside of you.

I knew, I knew, I was like, we need to go to the hospital. She's like, no, it's fine. Hang on, you watch her cut her toe when we need to go to the hospital. She's like, no, that's fine. You watch her cut her toe when you want to go to the hospital. There was a fucking spike through her toe, like all the way through her toe, tickling like the bottom of her nail. And then so then she's in the shower, like washing it off. And I went down to the woman and I was like, do you have any like, do you have a first aid kit? She went no.

And I was like, because she didn't speak English. She did? She said no? Well, she said no. And then I was like, bandages first aid, she was like, but huh? It was like plasters. And she went, but huh? And she was in a hotel in London. Yeah. All my life. And she, she, she started looking around behind her and she turned around and got out a, like a bag. I went plastic and I went no plasters, I thought fucking bleeding. I'm also out of breath because I've run down like four flights of stairs or whatever. She went plastic and she went aww and then I looked behind her and there was a first aid kit and I went that. She went aww and she got the first aid kit. I went that. Oh, and she got the first

day can open it. She was like, she come down. She was emigrated. Can I ask you a very important question? Obviously you don't know this. Yeah. But if you had to guess what country this woman was from, she's moved countries. God forbid you do a foreign accent at work. Argentina. Oh, yeah. She wasn't Asian, but she sounded like that. Right. Or maybe she didn't. Oh, plastic. Oh, plastic.

We don't have to say Argentina. She calmed down. I was like, she can't walk. She spike go through foot. She can't walk. Spike go through go through foot. She can't walk because I need to get onto her level. And then I went to the hotel in London and there's a note one non-speaking guy. It was a very difficult hotel in London. Oh good. Weird place. Nice one. Anyway, I take loads of stuff up, loads of bandages and I just start wrapping the toe and then I have

to come back down and ask for paracetamol. She's like, no, no. What for paracetamol? Yeah. Why? Why would she be in a hotel? We told you about toothbrushes the other week, but they don't have paracetamol. She did. So I think she was making it it up because she had paracetamol on the thing and she gave me it but she was like no no and I was like I can see it. She's saying no while giving you it. Yes. No. Does she just have everything out? What's this? What the hell is this? Well she's got loads of stuff out of it. I can see it there. She's got loads of stuff out of the drawers. And the yogurts. I can see them all the corners. That's plastic. And I'm sweating and pale because they're like, I'm like, oh my God, like there's loads

everywhere. What time is this? Like 11. AM, up here. PM. Yeah, your vision's on. Yeah, he's voice-doting me throughout this. Yeah, I was, I was feeling, Ellie was like, I'm fine.

But she couldn't feel her foot. So I was like, that's not fine. Let's go to the hospital. And she was like, I'll wash it., but she couldn't feel her foot. So I was like, that's not fine. Let's go to the hospital and she was like, I will wash it. There's a big hole in her foot. And then the next day we won't shot. Yeah. And the next day water again, good for everything. The reason, the reason I bring up that story is the Argentinians with her blood and with

her like, I'm like, oh my God, like she's going to lose a toe. This is going to be a big thing. Oh, you know what women are like? They lose a toe. You know, they never shut up about a ditty. Oh, me toe. I can't carry that me toe. I can't finish Eurovision. I'd much rather my internal bleeding than her in tonal bleeding. No, no. If you get married, honey, right there. I'd rather internally bleed than you hate your

toe. I think that's romantic. Can we have a break so we can bogari into a private hospital. I'm a psychic one. Psychic. I'm getting the feeling. I'm seeing a cat. What do I mean? Psychiatrist. Like psychiatric. Like one of these ones? Yeah, Mbappe. The Mbappe Hospital. Let's have a break. the extra content for the commitment to standards for the regularity fuck we do a good job don't we Adam? Yeah. And you know Adam wants it. Get more, I get Adam more. Patreon special every morning, next episode every week, early access to public episodes and the entire back catalog the second you sign up we've got Ghost Hunts, we've got lock-ins, we've got trips to

Nashville, 2-2 Amsterdam, we've been lock-ins, we've got trips to Nashville, 2-2 Amsterdam, we've been all over the place, we've been to fucking India! Fucking India. Patreon.com slash have a word pod and loads of other extras as well like Film Club. We got, is it coming back? Film Club is coming back, we're going to film it next week. Are we? Yeah, Finn, we need to because you're going away.

Yeah, I'm going to start to film it. When did you go away? Friday. Can you film it on Thursday? Oh wait, sorry. Why don't you do this in What's Up? It's coming back. We are the hiatus cause the podcast has been the busiest it's ever been. I'm starting a rival film podcast by the way. What's it called? Adam's Film Club. You watch the first 20 minutes of the film and stop watching. You've got homework. What? Film club is homework. What do you mean? Film club, you have to do homework for it. You may be on your own. What's your own? On your business. All right.

Have you seen this film? No. Good podcast. Couldn't be asked. Shite. This sort of moves on from that. Where is it? Corey Grogan says, hi lads, I've got a question for you. With comedy becoming so popular over the last couple of years. Oh yeah, it used to be. No one liked it before that. Does he mean stand up? Does he mean all the forms of comedy?

How come I feel like comedy movies and TV shows are going the opposite way? 15 years ago, 15, 20 years ago, you get a decent comedy film every year. And now I can't think of one good comedy film from the past five years. Love the pod, keep up the great work. Shinnimers dying. I think there was a gold needed of comedy from like 2000 to 2010, where you were getting loads of comedy films regularly. And now he is right. There's not a lot. I also think probably past that as well well I think they were still knocking out really

good films but if you try and think of one from the last five years or so I can't think of one. Like a really quotable one? I can't. Like Deadpool's been dead popular but that the first one was 10 years ago. So the thing is I actually know the answers to this. So the reason comedy had a bit of an explosion in the film industry is that they were relative

to action films and all this stuff like that. They were quite cheap to make because comedians are relatively quite cheap to hire and compared to like proper dramatic actors and stuff like that. And there's no special effects budget. Totally. So they were getting sort of films for, you know, a relative good price,

sort of five, 10 million, whatever it was. But then those films created stars like comedy stars. And then the films became really expensive to make compared to the earlier comedy films. So a film that was costing them five, 10 million was now costing them 30, 40, 50 million, which was still cheaper than, you know, Independence Day or whatever. But It meant that they would never recuperate the money. Like comedy films don't make as much money as like blockbusters. They just don't.

So people stopped making them because they couldn't, no one would go and watch a comedy film without like a comedy star in and they couldn't afford to pay a comedy star to do the film properly because they were now asking for too much money. Yeah. So when you go, Oh, we'll get sort of Kevin Hart and the rock. Yeah. Kevin came to my mind. We'll mix those two together. But the rock, the rock doesn't get out of bed for, he's the highest paid actor.

Less than 20 mil does he? What's the highest paid actor? 20 mil does he? It's just like 20 mil. Who is it? And then Kev Hart's not going to be cheap either. And then what is that film? Is it Jumanji? What are the films? I feel like they've done loads of films. Central Intelligence. There's another one as well. There's two of them. They were funny. But every film nowadays has to make three times its budget to be profitable, which is just unsustainable. It's just not a thing.

People aren't taking a gamble on going to the cinema to see something that they don't know they're gonna like, which is normally a franchise thing. And if you're worried about that trend, the Minecraft movie is not gonna help. No, cause it's- Cause they were like, let's do a video game thing.

The kids will love it. It wasn't that expensive. And it's made a billion. Biggest success of the year. And they're going to make loads more of them. Go and watch films that you don't, you don't know about. Watch films that you don't like. They don't watch films you don't know about. If you don't like the look of it, you might like it. Give it a go. Joe Datta-Pow hasn't made a film. Appatao hasn't made a film

for agent. He's been doing standup on it instead. I think he just kept smashing it. Will Ferrell stopped as well. Will Ferrell made a movie in the last five, six. Will Ferrell's probably earned a hundred million from comedy films and then gone, I don't want to work for the full year for a film

when I can just go and get sucked off with this dope. And that's what Will Ferrell does. Probably. Have you seen Trainwreck, the Amy Schumer film? Yeah. I fucking love it. Yeah, I watched that the other day. It's absolutely brilliant film.

Yeah, I went to see it in the cinema. I think it's too long. Bridesmaids must be what? 12, 13 years old now though. It's a funny as fuck film. I think it came out at the same time as Horrible Bosses. Yeah, it's like 2012. Again, fucking great film. What's his name? You know what I meanrible Bosses. Yeah, it's like 2012. Again, fucking great.

What's his name? You know what I mean? Charlie Day. Charlie Day. He is so fucking funny. But the good thing is everyone's just making their own stuff and you can go and find it. So that's good, isn't it? There's no producers deciding what gets made. Everyone's just making their own stuff. Hi, welcome to have a word. Gav says, I sometimes feel sorry for my missus getting ready for a night out. Makeup, spanks, high heels, and age is doing her hair,

but to be fair she looks brand new when she's finished. Made me think, if you could choose one thing that girls do to glow up and have it be universally adopted as acceptable for lads as well, what are you picking? Makeup. I was thinking this yesterday. Girls can go from looking like the bed, like getting out of bed look, to looking, as you said, brand new. This is just our face. And there's also degrees of the makeup, isn't there? There's like absolutely no makeup, and then there's, I'll put a bit of slap on, and then there's like, you know,

travel a wedding. I got a bit for the wedding. I got a bit of concealer for the wedding under my eyes. You look so great. I looked a bit tired because obviously I've been a busy couple of days, but Do you think it means fellas are just naturally better looking than women? Yeah, I mean, technically, yeah, we're all natural. So if any, if there's any. No, I think women look pretty good with the makeup on. I mean, loads. Are you saying you prefer looking at men?

Because I'm gay. Yeah. Okay. Great. Well, that's what a great way to come out. Oh, actually. Yeah. Well, yeah. Makeup. I'm a lot of men wear makeup, straight, gay, whatever, but it's not like except I came in makeup on you go, what the fuck? And I've been really homophobic. Yeah. There's not a lot of straight guys putting a full face of makeup. Do you go what the fuck And I've been really homophobic. Yeah, there's not a lot straight guys putting a full face of makeup Do you know what I'm saying? I bet there's a lot of men who use and stuff and not make like a bit of concealer Yeah, but I'm talking Makeup. Yeah, but you're saying there's varying levels. It's Steve turned up at the pub with fucking Eyeliner on I don't explain why he's always late

But it should be fine. That's what I want to be. If he turns up like that, you look good a lot. Spanx would be great. You can't wear Spanx though, we wouldn't know. If you found out... I was wearing... I've wore Spanx on one of our... When we've gone out after the show before.

What? Tucks me in, doesn't it? You've been wearing Spanx? Yeah. Was that a big issue? No. That's me not a big issue. No, you're on a big show and then the night's out afterwards when I know there's going to be loads of pictures. Have you got man's Spanx? I think there's Spanx, aren't there? I don't know. Adam, have you, do you own Spanx? Yeah. That's not a massive issue. Karl wears them as well. Is everyone wearing Spanx? No, I've ordered like twice.

What Spanx have you got? Skinkled one? Well they're not Spanx branded, they're my fucking big Spanx. But I was a bit bigger. Occasionally. Oh we're all wearing girdles! Why didn't you let me in on it? Big fat cunt sat in! I just told everyone to!

It's just clothes. It's just basically underwear. It's secret armour. You're only just telling me about basically underwear. No, it's eucarama. It's eucarama. You're only just telling me about now. Have you never noticed how much slimmer I look in photographs than in real life? I'm getting a corset.

Yeah. Oh, Dan, don't worry about it. I'll stretch you in. I don't know. I think you are being a bit weird there, Dan. You never worn them. What are we talking about? Are we talking about underarm fucking?

No, no. The same material. Like you're like ducking in big pants. I didn't know it was allowed. What do you mean? Because you're a pack of fucking hyenas. You need every meat... Nobody knows it's a cigarette.

I mean, it's not now, but... Wow. It's sort of just like... And do you do this in front of your bird? Do you put your Spanx on while she's putting her Spanx on? I don't ever get ready in front of me, Mrs. I like to keep the mystery. Oh, you do a first look every time you go out. I like to come down the stage and she goes, oh, you look good.

I like that feeling. You look thinner. Just like recently, last 20 minutes. You'll never fucking work out. Carnival diet and Spanx mate, you'll never look back. Facts. Right. That's mad. You're making that a That's, I, that's mad.

You're making that a big, big thing that it's not. Just secret clothes that make you look good. I didn't know we were all spanking out. Wearing. I mean, man, I spanked like black man ones, not like women, like tan, like skin colored ones. Where did they took you? Cause I've never, where did they took you in your stomach?

Your belly. Yeah. Yeah. It's like the cycling shorts, but they go up more. Yeah. Yes. You think in fact you all in India. Oh yeah. Would the suspenders. Yeah. Yeah. No similar to that. Very similar to that tighter. Yeah. They're cycling shorts mate. Yeah. But It's similar to that. Very similar to that. But tighter. Yeah. They're cycling shorts, mate. Yeah, but it's similar vibe. I understand, but I was cycling. It's basically cycling shorts for your tits. Phenomenal, guys. Oh, I'm going to be... This is great news.

We all wear make-up as well. This isn't... I only wore it for the wedding, but I can see a little bit of those. High heels. I wear it for the TV. You're going to wear it for Tally as well. Luckily. If you don't wear make-up when you do Ty, by the way, you look so, so shit. You look dead.

Everyone else has got it on. Again, it's not a big worry of mine. But make a makeup more normal, I'll be into. Making the makeup more normal. Don't fuck with your eyebrows though. I don't want to do that. I'd like to get up and go, oh fuck, I'm a bit rough today. And then go, no I don't. That do that. I'd like to get up and go, oh, rough today. And then go, no, I don't.

That's what girls do. I'm not into the new like blasted eyebrows. You know, one of the ones that look like all the hairs are trying to, it looks like they're having a magnetic reaction. Yeah. I just think women should do whatever they want with their faces. Hey, you're allowed to stay at preference, don't you? As long as they're wearing makeup. their faces. You're allowed to state your preference, aren't you? As long as they're wearing makeup. I just want them to be happy. Wow. Really? On the moon. On the moon so I can get a bit of peace. They're happy. There you go. Get on the fucking secret good clothes train. Listen, I wish we'd all just chatted about this earlier. You're not meant to are you? You'll never look back, you know.

You'll never look back. Wow, I won't be able to. You won't wear them. You'll be strained. No, you won't wear them every day because they're not like. They're uncomfortable. They're not uncomfortable. It's just, they're not comfortable either.

They're just, they're an impediment. You know what I mean? On a warm night. Are they breathable? Yeah. Right. But when you take them off, there's a, you know, taking your Spanx off. When you've worn like sort of...

I have to do this. I can't. I'm not. It's got to be bullshit. I'm going to roll with the bullshit, but it has to be bullshit. What do you mean? If you get home after a hard day of podcasting, getting your jammies on. If I know Jack's day, it's a big event. So when we, my son, the podcast

show at the arena, I wore them then I wore them my show at the arena. I wore them for me special at the empire. Unbelievable. You get like an inch back. Where does it go? On my dick? That'd be great. I don't know where it goes. It sort of goes wherever you want to push it to. I'll push it to my more arms. Right. And you're out. Oh, this is phenomenal guys. Thanks for this. This is great. I'll order some now. They're not that much. They just met. Don't order Spanx because they're for women. They won't fit you. That brand. But there's man Spanx. Spanx? I think I've just got women's on.

You look alright. Guys 16. You wear women's yeah? I changed my mind. I don't need the gusset. What? I don't need the gusset. What? I don't need the gusset. I've got a stomach like a woman on a ferry who's just on a big bar of Chucky.

Really progressive today guys. That was great. Let's do some have a word. Send them in at haveawordpod at gmail.com. What's happening, Lids? Need you to have a word with the birds that go into spoons and take picture of the table number and what spoons they're in and post it on their social media stories begging for drinks. Spoons is dead cheap by your own, you little scruffs. Or is it me you need to have a word with for being

a snobby cunt? Love what you're doing. George, it's from George. Just why would you not want people to have fun? Yeah, don't send them anything. Doesn't affect you. Send them a big bowl of peas. I don't know what this is by the way. Basically, because you order on the app, you can probably do it with Nando's too.

Right. Because you order on the app and you got a table number, they go, where's the table 14 in this? You go on the thing and you can go, I want all the two drinks to that table. You pay online and then the drinks arrive at that table even though you're not there all right basically buying some very common thing the weather spoons game is people put their table number on the internet and then everyone sees it and then you can order

to that weather spoons from wherever you are in the world you could be in Bermuda order a table in Spain. Is that a VPN advert you just did? NordVPN if you want to send yogurt to a spoons I think. But yeah so people go oh me and Kirstie are just in the spoons we're on table 22 in the middle of Old Swan and then people just send them bevvies but then you can be really funny and just be like whoo 17 portions of carrots is it? Send them a carvery. You'd be made up if they sent you a carvery. Depends. But sometimes the the Wetherspoons have the right to turn your table's ordering capacity off. Oh because they get annoyed. They're like too many carrots. Seven more portions of peas there John. The The chef's in the kitchen like, I can't keep up.

Dancing, two pans of peas. I can't keep up. Too much. But yeah, you're the miserable little twat. You shut up. Yeah, it's just fun, isn't it? It's fun for everyone. Stop people having a laugh. It's also just, it's the stuff on the internet you don't like, just ignore it. Just look away, as Tyler the Creator once said. All right, we'll do some advice.

To hell. What? Hit, hit. What? I need to take the standing knife off the table because it looks a bit... Also, you're a fiddly, you get slagged off a fiddly. Careful, I have worth 20 grand.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Get that on, get that on Chequers Love Akinibi. I am a fidgeter, yeah. Do you want me to stop fidgeting with you? I'm like, I can't, it's on me hand. Yeah, but we've all got our little foibles, haven't we? Yeah, I'm a big fidgeter.

Like, I love having... Have you stopped it yet? Have you got used to it? I'm doing it less, but I'm still got our little foibles, haven't we? Yeah, I'm a big fidgeter. Have you stopped it yet? Have you got used to it? I'm doing it less, but I'm still fidgeting with it because I don't wear rings. Yeah, and it's a meaty boy as well. It's a big bye. I'm just saying, I'm going to be bellowing. It's a meaty boy. I just can't stop fidgeting with it.

Can't stop. Can't stop touching it. Frosty says, yes boys, Frosty here. Need some advice, it's my dad's funeral on Wednesday. RIP. And I'm wondering what's the acceptable level of rat-arsed I should get. My dad was a booners man himself, so I feel like I'd be doing him a disservice

if I kept it light. Is there a... I mean, you've both lost parents, so what was your... Oh man, I was 16 and got rat-assed. Oh shit, yeah, look at that. Shitface. I was so shitfaced, I walked home, pooed on a church, and everyone thought I'd gone to Pop World on me own.

On a church? On a church. Like outside of the church? Outside, in the graveyard. Like next to the church, the poo would have gone on it. Right. On the wall of the church. Was that like a protest or was it?

No, I needed a poo. All right. I didn't know if it was like, why is God's done this? Is that St. Mary's? It's not St. Paul's. Which one was it? In the village? Between the standard and the village. Oh, St. Paul's, yeah.

Yeah. It's my church though. My church. You're wrong. I don't think there's, I think a funeral, arguably awake, it's more suited to getting pissed than a wedding. Absolutely. Like, let's be honest, I was funny at his wedding, but like I probably took it a bit

too far. And like if I'd have been a nightmare could have like, if I'd fell and hurt myself, then it's like fucking hell. You can't get this drunk at your best mate's wedding. Like it is like, there could be some faux pas there. If your fucking dad's dead, if your mom, your dad, like as someone immediate family, any sibling or parent dead,

if you put it in the fucking wall and end up hurting yourself or like causing a problem, it just is what it is. It's grief when you're dealing with it how you are. This is your one chance. I assume your Mars already dead. I don't know why, but I just do. This is one of only two chances you ever get to get belligerent, racist, homophobic, sexist, violent, drunk and it be forgiven. Right? It would be forgiven. Is that how that works?

It would be forgiven. Oh, he did this. Yeah, but it was bad for him. He was shut on a church. It was his dad. It was me, man. No, but if you say something bad, be like, it was his dad's fault. Like you do get that one pass.

Yeah, you do. It's a full hall pass to just be a belligerent cop shite. Go for it, brother. Put it through the wall. Put it in the wall. Put it in the wall. Knock the wall down. Be like Berlin when they knocked the wall down. Hasselhoff. Adam Poole on the wall. Be racist and homophobic like Berlin did.

No I'm not saying be racist and homophobic. You never should be. But like if you've got anything and you're desperate to get out this is the time to do it. This is where working class cultures got it better than like the middle class. If you've got like any real fucking views about Slovenians, get them out this night. That's a good racism to go for. Everyone's like, what was it? Oblak? Oblak, the goalkeeper. Oh, I thought you said black.

Is he Oblak? Yeah, Jan Oblak. If you've got something to say about Jan Oblak, say it. And Handanovic, I think. Are we doing first one of us to die big wake? It's gotta be. Listen, listen. I'm already married.

I'm already married. I mean this in the best way, it fucking better be you, you know. Like it really better be you. Well, it should be. Simply because of age. Simply because of age, yeah. 100%. Ten years and more drug use.

Yeah. Like that, it should be you. 100%. 10 years and more drug use. Yeah. Like that, it should be you. I'm 44 with motorway miles. Yeah. But if it's not me, it's gonna be sadder, isn't it? How old's old? How old's old? 80, I think you get older at 80.

I think, I had this conversation the other day. I just had a really nice feeling there, sorry, go on. Did you? The idea of you being 80 and we're 70, but we all still mating given the fact. Oh that would be class. I mean we absolutely should be. I'd love to talk about it. Yeah totally but like it doesn't always happen does it? No. I was talking about Deebo Samuel, the wide receiver for now the Washington commanders and in my head he's old, he's old, he's been injured, plays a very physical style of football, he's 29, he's just turned 29.

And psychologically I'm like, hey, I don't know how much of a contract he can get on his next contract. Because of the context of him being an NFL player and the career he's had, in my head he's old. He's three years older than Finn. But he's fucking young. And then I know we call me old

and I'm granddad down and everything. Yeah, but what is, when are you old? I think 80. I think you've been your 70s. Like, Oh God, that's, you know, no, no, no, not that he's not talking about death. No, I'm talking about old. Like, oh, he's old. I mean, I think 80 is when you get 70. 70. I think, no, my dad's 65. He's old. That's weird. And it is a person to person thing though. Cause I think Tom Cruise is about 60 odd, and he's not old. I think he's Tom Cruise. I don't think my dad's old. No. How old is your dad? 65? Yeah. How old is Tom Cruise? I think, I think death is to do with it. You know, I think death is to do with it. If you died, how gutted

is everyone? Like how, like, Oh God, 60, that's young, that mate. If someone passes 65, you go, that's too young. You don't go, yeah, he was old. Yeah, but it's not like, if I died at 44, I know we call me old, but if I died at 44, everyone's like, wow. I think 80, like 80, you're like, all right, yeah. I think you kind of got, understand it. No, 70 to me, you are definitely old.

If you die at 71, it's not like, oh my God, it's just not, is it? I think it's like, oh, it's sad. He could have had more time, but yeah. Yeah. You want to get to the age where everyone, when you die like 95 and everyone's like, thank fuck, hey, he's had his innings. Like everyone just like, yeah. When my granddad passed, everyone was like, oh, yeah, that's fine. No one's been robbed. If anything, he's in credit. He was

a burglar. The Robins. The Robins. Tom Cruise is 62. Nigella Lawson is 65. Nigella Lawson and my dad are not the same person. I've always said that. Clip it. That's not in the trailer. Someone's getting fired mate. No, there's different, obviously there's different types of old, it's all you live in. All context. But I think just from the number, I think for me it's genuinely 80. I think it's when you're least surprised at the past. Yeah. Laura's dad died at 72 and everyone was like, he feels like he's lost time, like he's been robbed. He's still old. Still old. Your dad goes at 65 and was like, oh, oh. Everyone's like, wow, that's young.

No, not. 65 is not young, young. No, but you comment on that age at 65. Yeah, you say things like he's no age, but no one's going, he was young. He was young. My dad's also an old 65, isn't he? He's fucked. He played wide receiver, very physical type of game. His dad's Debo. Tell you what, he's not like Jenna Lawson.

Mick Rowe, I don't know if he's getting another contract at wide receiver. I might have to play slot. My dad's going to make a decision on an operation. He's basically been told there's a chance you die with this operation because he's got like blood clots in his legs and then like it's the second time. So like we've got to try and clear them but you could like just bleed out on the table. Yeah he's not that young Carl is he? So how much pain, how much pain are you in? How bearable is it? Because you should not get this operation if it's at all bearable.

Was it varicose veins? No. Is that just cosmetic? Wasn't that the- No that's like blood clots and that in it. I thought varicose veins was just cosmetic. Wasn't that the? No, that's like book lots of night. I thought by like a stranger just cosmetic. Stop talking. I don't like any of it.

If your parent dies, put it in the fucking wall. Yeah. What was the question? Is that can you get pissed on Tuesday? What am I going to do if my dad dies? I haven't spoken to him for ages now. It's getting awkward. Well, can I, can I slug off Slovenians ages now, it's getting awkward. Well.

Can I slag off Slovenians? Yeah, of course you can. What I would say on that is, and this is weird to do on Pod. Like if you got a phone call today and your dad had passed away, would you be gutted that you hadn't spoken to him? I'm angry. I've got some annoyances.

This is public. God. I've got some genuine annoyances going on and I feel like I could talk to him anytime. I tried to speak to him last and I've had four call back and stuff like this definitely doesn't help. Wouldn't they wash away though? They would wash away instantly. I think yeah, I'd be pretty good. Yeah. So just bring them today. Yeah. Eminem made up with his mom and he dropped a diss track on his mom.

And you've never dropped any diss track on your dad. And your dad's diss track is currently on release. I haven't got much of a diss track. Well you text him so they can go hey, you're late. Yeah, so I'll do it now. Yeah. This will be really kind of wholesome. Let's sign up for some more annoyance.

How long has it been? I text him in February last year. And he text back? No, he didn't text anything. What did you text him? No, I fucking hate this little tiny dick you've given me. I'm not applying to that. I was in London with Esha and we were in a pub that my dad told me a story about. And I was like, oh, it's like we just, by chance we were in that pub and I took a picture and I was like

mad. Do you remember telling me the story about that? And he's nothing back. And I was like, cool. I'm going to wait to see how long it takes for a reply. And it never came. Never came. And it was only ever two months. What are you going to say now? Why, brother. I wouldn't wagwan it. Just say, do we know what wagwan means? What do you call him? Is he dad? Papa. I call him poopie. Wagwan poopie. Wagwan poop. Sorry wrong person.

Just put, like, is the message above still there? No. Just put TB. Yeah. TBH. Last scene, May the 14th, when at least WhatsApp seen him. How are you? That was a week ago.

Yeah, right. What do I do? Are we being serious? I'll message him. Just genuinely. Hello dad. Been ages. How are you? How are you? That's yeah. That's there. Yeah. Yeah. Kiss. How many kisses? Seven. Seven. I'm thinking of you. I'm in the bathroom. I'm hard. Just call just for when you maybe ever reconnect with

your dad from the in between us. All right. We connect and have a connect with him. What? It'd have to be, it'd be just connecting it. And if I had a phone number and I haven't texted him yet, that's on me. I think. And I'm just going to put Dan on the end just in case he doesn't know where it's from. There you go. Is this, this is positive, isn't it? Yes. Good on you. Yeah. Fair play, Dan. Well done. Getting emotional. That is big. There'll be a lot of people out there. What's the worst job your dad could have? Like if he got in such a... Yeah. I was like, look, I know you probably don't want anything to do with me issues on this one earlier. What? Pedophile tailor. Like he dresses ped Peter files. Oh, it's a well respected job in Spain. So he goes, look, I know you probably don't want to do me, but I'm going to be on a heightened

village Avenue by the house to tomorrow. Village Avenue. Can you meet us for a coffee and curiosity gets the best of you. you go. TV licensing. In Spain. He knocks on my door and he's got a TV licensing badge on and I tell him to fuck off. He goes, no, I'm your dad. And I'm checking if you've got a TV license. What if he's a dog euthanizer, but he does this only healthy dogs?

This is just a dog murder. Dog murderer. Peter Faltailer, no. That's not real, girl. I thought you might take this seriously, but you just put it in the wall. I don't know. Dinner lady. We'd be dinner man, wouldn't we? No, dinner men or are they dinner ladies? I don't think the job's ever been. You wouldn't say dinner man. No, because they, they're on Teddy. I'm especially there must be, there must be dinner men. Are you pushing for equality here? Yeah. They've dominated that industry. The people of dinner, dinner people. What do you think this worst

job could be? Like imagine you're me working for the rag. It's going to go down badly in it. And he's like, I didn't know. Yeah. Welcome for a couple of your dad's dead. So I'm really glad you said it's nice in my head. It's the guy from Benidorm. He's English. You know, the, you know, the Spanish guy from Benidorm. Never seen it. Yeah. He's a central version of the dad from Stavros flatly in my head. I know they're Greek. That's my dad. That is what my dad looks like. Your dad's skinny though. Is he not? No. You've got a fat dad. Yeah. I've got a completely different, in my head, your dad looks a bit like you spoke into my dad, not in person. It's through the phone. You lose things. Your dad's like looks like a Turkish Gandhi in my head. Like genuinely. He looks a bit

like Gandhi. No, we're quite far away. He's very Turkish. By the way, if he was look like Gandhi, I'd wrestle him and win. Gandhi was about 4'6", wasn't he? That's the worst job. Works in a bucket factory. Was that from Two Pints? It was actually, yeah. Well done. For a second, I didn't get... I think you got that before I did.

Genuinely, because I was like, it has to make some sense. I think there's any job. I also wouldn't give a fuck what his job was. What would be my first question? Hello mate, yeah yeah. That's just what you do for a living. What do you do dad? What do you do? You've got blue hair. I'm not ready for that you know. He's probably retired now. This is going to be really frustrating. I was going to say, we'll see by the end of the episode if my dad messages back, but we've already pre-recorded the second half of this episode. It's a cliffhanger. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. To see if his dad's sex back. Full screenshots of Dan's conversation

with his dad. My dad's job. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to guess it's going to be in bold caps and fairly abrupt. I'm seeing my dad this weekend. Oh no I reckon he'll text back and go oh yeah. Oh yeah. How are you dad? Oh yeah. No like oh it's been. See you in 15 months. It's been too long the weather's good let's go let's meet up for a chat and a pint. Oh Carl you've never met my dad clearly. Is he a pintsman? Oh I don't know if we're gonna get that message but we'll see it'll be nice let's see. I'll keep you updated let's get you back on the tracks. Go and have a dad and lad day. Take them to something. Go, Carton. I'm into it. What's that big bouncy one in the inside the mountain in Wales? Your ma. Yeah. Go take it to my ma. In indoor trampoline and inside the cliff.

Boss. Take him there. So I haven't seen my dad who's got Parkinson's for 15 months and I go, Hey dad, let's go to a mountain in Wales and go trampolining. Everyone's got Parkinson's on the trampoline. And that's why I'm not getting a reply. Enjoy the guests. Everyone. Absolute smasher. Now it's time to tell you about my absolute favourite sponsor, Manuel. Dan, what is Manuel? Manuel's a men's healthcare company and they offer a testosterone replacement therapy service.

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It's always nice to just do a record on a day that we don't normally record and it just feels like it gives us license to have a beer for no reason. I've got a hotel, I'm living my life. Okay. I mean, usually it's the guest that gets us boo for no reason. I've got a hotel, I'm living my life. Okay. I mean, usually it's the guest that gets us booze in, but Sam's just got fucking water. Sam Talentsy. Hey.

Sorry I passed on the beer, I felt like such a turd. But no, it's fine. Like look, I assume, cause I offered you a beer and you were like, have you got a no alcohol one? And you said it was cause you were getting fat and you stopped drinking. Yeah, and it worked. I mean, I'm clearly a rail now. It was all worth it. I don't miss my

best friend that made everything easier. Do you just never drink now? No, I'll have like last year I had like 30 drinks, a nice glass of wine, you know, Tokyo on new year's Eve blackout joke. Yeah. I was there this last year. Class. He loves a bit of Japan. I've done Tokyo New Year's Eve. Yeah. On it. I, and she'd be a crossing. I bet you were, were you, were you there as a fan of certain aspects of their culture? No, I used to live there. Oh, okay. I love it. How you instantly went sex tourist. It might be one of the best places to be a sex tourist because Felicia was legal there, but penetrative sex is not. So yeah. so you can just like go get a blowjob real quick on your lunch break, but there's no pressure to like do the job.

As in prostitution. Yeah. You can get sucked off legally in Tokyo. Well, I wanted to, for SEO, I wasn't going to say sucked off this early, but yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, you can blow your load in a person's mouth for like 20, $20. I also think he's just told us why we're not growing on YouTube. We keep talking about blow jobs too early in the pod. We've got to stop opening with, you know, yeah, no more travel logs from Sam talent.

I'm jealous. How long did you live there? Uh, just over a year. Dude in Tokyo the whole time. No, Nagoya. Nagoya. Good for you, man. That's awesome. I loved, I love Japan. Where did you go? I've been there like three times now, but I was there for Christmas.

I brought my family over this last year. And yeah, we had a lovely time bumping around. How long you in Tokyo for? I was there for 16 days. You travel a lot though. I do, yeah. You host your own travel thing. I do, but also I just love travel.

Like this is the first time I've been to Liverpool and my dad was like, are you bummed? Do you have to go up there before your show? And I was like, no, why would I be bummed? I've never been there. You should come and do a show here though. I would love to. I'm like learning the amount of tickets

I can actually sell in the UK and it's more than I assumed. So I'll be back. Yeah, but also I think a lot of American comics when they come here, they don't understand how lazy British people can be. So like, unless you come to their fucking living room, they're just like, ah, you know, like the super huge comics,

like Gillis was over recently and he did just Manchester, London and Dublin. And then he went. And once you're at that sort of size where you're selling these big fucking huge arenas, I think people sort of get off their ass a little bit and they've got, they know they've got to travel into a place.

But other people, like you'll have fans in Liverpool who would have absolutely 100 come to a show in Liverpool. Well, I'm pretty sure this journey to Manchester. Well, yeah, I thought it was like, I thought you had to like write a three hour bus to get to Manchester. It's right there. Yes, right next door. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, after this, I'm a made man. I think it's fair to say you guys are the kings of podcasting. Well, in Great Britain. Oh, is that fair to say? This was all this was always my plan, some.

Yes, I wanted us to be genuinely. Yeah, genuinely. Yeah. And you know, when you messaged me initially and you're like, I'd love to come and do the show. I feel like you guys are the pod to do when I'm in the UK. I screen shot that and put it in the group. And I was like, we fucking the pod to do when I'm in the UK. I screen-shotted that and put it in the group and I was like, we fucking done it.

Oh really? Because when we first started it, me and Dan and then we initially brought Carl on board as well. I was like, do you know what I want for this pod? Cause I, like I go to America a few times a year do some sports in New York, did Austin in January and stuff. I wanted us to be the pod that American comics feel like they should do when they're here.

Yeah. And when you sent that message, I was like, we've done it. Well that's flattering because when I reached out to you, I didn't assume that you would say yes, you know, so like it's very nice that you were stoked because I was equally stoked that you said come do the pod. Oh no, we were fucking delighted to have you. Absolutely. Yeah.

Congrats on your success. I mean, thank you. Yeah, it's a we've got some really exciting stuff coming up. We've just finished. We did a standup tour, rather than touring the live podcast. Cause then we already do two pretty long episodes a week. It can be quite draining on us to try and get a chat going live. And then you have to over format it to make a difference.

So we don't like doing the loads of live podcast shows, but we wanted to go and, you know, give a bit of fan service and go and see them. So we put like a, a, a standup show together where it was me and Dan hosting a half each and two comics in each off. That's just finished. And then we've got a really big fucking thing coming at the end of June. Big announcement coming at the end. You said you wanted to tell involved. It's, it's good, man. But we're honored to have you. Where have you been so far? Cause you're in Manchester tonight. You looked when I said barristers. Was that the correct legal interest? Yeah. Yeah. We've had a little over the years. Yeah. Well, everything, you know, clean slate, we're moving forward. Good, good. What, the building burnt down mysteriously?

Oh! What? Wow. Oh, if you knew. Oh, wow, we stumbled there, didn't we? Yeah, close to the nose and we wanted to, there. Cheers, cheers, cheers everyone. Hey, I was-

That's my first time here. Where have you been so far? I was in England, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United

States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the United States, I was in the Hey, that's my first time here. Where have you been so far? Uh, I was in Amsterdam for three days by myself. That's a good fucking sentence. That brother, you're not wrong. I just wouldn't got high and like looked at tulips for three days.

The flowers. I was like a guy whose husband just died. I was honoring a promise to a loved one. It was great man, I loved it. I love Amsterdam. There's a lot of guys over there that kind of sound like you. The canals ring with the dulcet noises of the various UK accents. Well Liverpool especially.

A lot of Liverpoolians end up over there. A lot of Scousers end up over there. A lot of scouses. It's so close and you can smoke weed and you can fuck people for money. And you can come in people's mouths as well. You can. A lot of people go to Japan for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Flight to bugger though. Easy jet to Japan. Not as handy. Did you know that by the way about the sucking off in Japan real? Oh, he's not going to say I always thought cause sex is so big over there. I thought it was all just like legal. No, I think that you can't do a vagina stuff. That's great. That's what the judge told me. You

can't complain. You'd exit to Ronnie. Yeah. Yeah. So it's just like, it's because they're in such a hurry to get back to work so they can just go get a hand job or a blow job to a maid cafe. No, no. I was there with my wife and father. I was with my partner. It's because they're in such a hurry to get back to work. So they can just go get a hand job or a blow job. Did you go to a maid cafe? Uh, no, no. I was there with my wife and father. I was with my partner. It's fine. Okay. It's, it's, you can go and experience it and not, you know, get involved with your dad, your wife and dad. My dad was there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. To get involved. It's like everyone's just fucking. What is this? What is this? Cause I made cafe.

Yeah. What is a maid cafe? So you go in and you, you don't pay for your drinks. You pay for the time to be there. And you buy a woman, you pay, essentially pay for the ladies with your wife and your dad. Is that your recommendation? Yeah, we went, I went with my partner and we just went.

Yeah, but she's inside. No, she just sang to us instead. And then she realized she wasn't getting any money or funds for anything else. So she fucked off and then we got the karaoke and song share and all the old member kicking off because we were ruining the vibe. No. So yeah, you go in and you see all the business man. He's got a wife at home where your hate. I am an 18 hour job. You've seen the desk. He's clearly a business man. An 18 hour job that kills you. And you're like, I want to go and talk to a woman who cares what would I, so they're going and talk about whatever they, and the women like will

sit there and be like, Oh yeah, I love baseball. Let's chat about baseball. They laugh at your jokes. They pour your drinks. They make you feel like you're a human being with a soul. Yeah. Not because as an aunt in the cogs of Japan. Very, very rarely does a man get to be felt, you know, anything but just like where he is in the tier of his workplace bureaucracy. So you go there and you got a sweet young thing who comes over lights your cigarettes, you know, giggles and everything you say. And then you go home and you know, a British couple enjoying it. Ironically, there's six of us are so stressed as a police woman and they didn't like you. A British couple enjoying it ironically.

There's six of us, ours was dressed as a police woman and she's like, you know, what can we do to have fun? Because you know, if you can make more money on the side. Oh yeah. We went there for that. So she got bored and fucked off because we were singing karaoke and all the old men were like, you're ruining the fucking vibe. Cause they go in and be like, oh, I'll go and see her twice a week. Like they'll treat it like it's his girlfriend. Which a lot of people do with sex workers, but this is without the sex. It's actually just like the girlfriend experience. I thought you had to get sucked after you went up there. That's why I never went into

a maid cafe because I thought I was teasing them. Just enjoy that time. Huh? I'm starting to think this Japan special is a good idea. Oh, you guys gotta go. You'd have so much fun over there. Yeah. Yeah. You can write it all off too. Did you see any interesting vending machines? I didn't find the panty one. There was also a woman one, a woman one. So in, um, it was in Tokyo. So very small people. you buy a DVD, like you pick a DVD with a woman's, you know, body on a little token drops out and then a person emerges from a door. You give the person the token and they go and get that woman. Is it DVDs of films we know? Yeah. No, it's DVDs of naked pictures of the women on the front. Oh, I

didn't know if it was like fatal attraction. Yeah. It's not nodding hill. No, it's a picture. So you're buying a DVD. And then a woman shows up. What do you do with her? Probably have sex with it. What? Oh, you get the DVD too. Yeah. All right. Just one of their falls. I'm mad. Would it be just to make her watch it with you? Sit down. We're watching it. You could. You're paying for the time. Cool. They should put like Toy Story 2 in there though. And then the girl comes out dressed as Buzz Lightyear. Yeah. Yeah. Buzz Lightyear. Or like a potato head. If you're unlucky. No, both people fit one in. Amsterdam on your own though. Is that so you do a lot of this traveling on your own. I mean you did Japan

with your family. No, I rarely, rarely alone. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, so the three days was cool and then I went to Paris I've been in Paris for like two weeks and my father and my wife and her mom are over there So I'm in Paris until June 6 with the week over here running around doing shows did Glasgow and then London and now here And then off to Manchester genuine question hit me Did these shows obviously it's part's part of paying for the trip and whatever. Yeah, yeah. But do the shows feel like, ugh, I've

got to go and do these fucking shows. I just want to be in Paris. Or is it like, is the holiday a bit of that? Where are you in the love of the game as a comic? Are you like, I'm going to do shows, and I've got to be in Paris as well for a bit? Or is it? For a long time it was a easy way to go to Berlin and Estonia and make a little bit of money and get a hotel room.

You know, shows are typically okay, but it is the last thing I want to do when my wife is like, Hey, do you want to get a riverboat tonight in the sand and like watch the lights go down on the Eiffel tower? And it's like, I have to do 15 minutes in a Turkish restaurant. It's a real tough U-turn from holding hands in the Jardines de Luxembourg to like, hey, where are you from? Albania, gross.

And then my dad's always like, can I go to the show? And I'm like, please don't. Do anything else, dude. At the London show, Hyde Park, they were having like some kind of violin reception and I was like, why don't you do that? And he's like, I want to come over. And then he just sees me up there. Like, so my penis stinks. You know, it's, it's, it's tough because I have a big romantic heart and like, and I love the world and like how small it makes me feel. And then to have to go do like the crude Bulgarian clowning

at the end of the night, it does suck. But it's cool, because like in London, people are coming, you know, like it's nice to see some success and to do the shows for the people, but I don't want to fucking do anything. I really don't, you know, I want to have dinner for three hours and like not smoke a cigarette, you know.

I want you to meet Sean Walsh. I want you and Sean Walsh to do an episode of a podcast. One of the best comics we know. Yeah. If you gave him a year off, he'd fucking like take it so gladly. Oh yeah. Well, that's the thing is I did like 49 weekends last year. Like I work all the time. Yeah. So these pleasure cruises are fun and they rejuvenate, you know, and then you get a, get some lived experience to a ruin on stage, you know, and then you get some lived experience to ruin on stage, all the beautiful novelty that you experience. You just get a ring, all the joy out of,

until it's just another fucking pile of the heap. How much are you in the States then? Are you out of the country? By the way, the synopsis of your book is now starting to make a lot of sense as well. Yeah, man, no. I mean, I've been on the road since I was like 19. Like, so it is cool. How old are you now? I'm 38. Okay. Wow. Yeah. Do I look at why? Why'd you say that? Oh,

wow. I was wondering sort of how close to your sort of timeline I am. Right. How old are you? I'm 33. Okay. I've been doing it since I was 18 as well. And he's massive in Turkish restaurants. Yeah. I think he works there. It's fucking great. Look, this is what you have to look forward to buddy. You can you only the Turkish fellow who runs a leaf on bold streets is a patron of this podcast. Isn't that class? That's great. It's an absolute gaffer. Say that Kula. Say that again. Teche Kula. He was trying to say thank you to a Turkish, but he got it wrong. Teche Kula. Oh, by the way, Finn's Turkish and Welsh.

Drew told me before we started. And Stone. It's great. But I went in a couple of weeks ago and it goes, Oh my God, you're Adam. And I went, yeah. And he goes, I am listening to your podcast. I am paying for it now. I pay for it for the extra and you sit here didn't give me any discount How have you not been able to do a Turkish accent?

We do it all the time you do Turkish when you're trying to do all that and that became that came out what he sounds like All right, that's what one specific man sounds like and you can't verify it Chili garlic it just is all right Adam I give you all table you paid 20% more. Pay for my Patreon. Do you? More? You reversed it. Yeah. It was like, take that off boss.

So how, you're out on the road all the time basically. Yeah. But do you do the, are you touring in America as well? Or have you just made, are you just Sammy International? You're just fucking... No, no. I, yeah, America is where my bread is buttered. So I'm making a lot of hay while the sun is shining right now. Like it's like, I have a little bit of momentum finally after years of just doing the job. And yeah, I'm in America predominantly, but I do love to

get out of America as much as possible. And where are you based? Detroit, Michigan. Oh really? Yeah. We could buy a house there. It was the only place in America we could buy a house. Like a big house for fuck all. A nice house for like very little money comparatively.

My wife's from there as well. And what's it called? The Rust Belt? Oh yeah. We're the Rust Belt. I mean, America is the dead beating heart of America. I mean, Detroit is. What's the Rust Belt?

The Rust Belt's the rim of like around the Great Lakes of America. But why Rust? What's rust? Because it was where all the cars and industry and the glass and machinery. So it's rusted. Yeah. Rust. Yeah. Rust? Like Rust Kemp? The rust belt. Everyone calls him that.

The rust belt. Yeah. R-U-S-T. My accent's hard to understand. That was his? The rust belt. And then you said, Kemp. I for sure know who that is. It's a quote of Stephen French, which if you're a Scouser, you'd know. Sorry, lad. You've been exposed. I'm the outsider, man.

Dude, I've been lurking outside for like a half hour and boy, do the teenagers swear very loudly here. It was just packs of teenagers wandering around, swearing, screaming, swears, just like fuck and cunt and like, yeah, it's like a little girl like making a, like a, like a, you know, she's on some kind of like phone. I don't know what she's doing. And then she has three friends around her. This happened twice. It was a girl screaming, swears into, I think an IG live. And then her three friends are walking, combing her hair with their fingers. Is this like a thing?

You guys, you've seen this all the time. Maybe it was the ever hunting game. I don't know. But it's just like a 14 year old girl being like, I don't know the thing you fucking cunt. And her friends are like giggling behind her. I can't explain it. I don't know, I don't know the thing you fucking cunt. And her friends are like giggling behind her. I can't explain it. I don't know. I've lived here 33 years, man. I've never seen this. This is my anecdotal evidence.

The thing is in Liverpool, and Dan doesn't understand as well, so this isn't like an American English thing. This is like a Liverpool anyone else thing. Our kids get taught to swear early. It's necessary. Like if you're being a little bastard, I'll send you to your fucking nans. That's like a threat to a child who's not doing their own way. If you don't do your fucking homework, you're going to live with your fucking nan. Oh no. Your little cunt. That's awesome. And she's dead. In a lot of

other regions, that's child abuse. But in Liverpool, it's just- That is a death note. That's gentle parenting in Liverpool. Like sleep with the fishes. Yeah. You'd be living with your nan. Oh no. Because she's dead.

Yeah. In heaven. There's also a phenomenon in Liverpool where some kids just live with their grandma, even though their parents are alive and well. What? I don't really, it does happen. Yeah. You know about this. It happens in Willa, apparently apparently as well. Nine kids. Yeah. We call them non kids. Yeah. And they're

always fucking freaks as well. There's always something wrong. Yeah. Because they're growing up with the elderly. We had those kids in where I grew up in a real small town and like, there was three kids who grew up with really old people and then they, they can't have a conversation. Yeah. Like there was a girl in third grade who was knitting all the time. It's like, oh yeah, her parents are dead. That's why. Am I wrong? Like the people over here who live with their grandparents because their parents are dead.

But the ones I'm talking about, their parents are alive. But not doing a good job, eh? They live locally. Right. Yeah. I live in my nan's lad, my ma lives down the corner. Yeah, because she's on smack or something. No, she's like, will you fuck off to your nan's? Yeah, because they just want to be happy.

I think you get away with more with your nan, don't you? Yeah, yeah, because you're not going to live with her, that's why. What? She's like a guardian though. You're like spoiled more if you, if the kids from real that live with an aunt, they're all spoiled more than the kids that live with them. Why are they living with their nams? Cause it's better.

Right? Parents love to party. You know, the night calls to them. 100%. That's probably what it is. Can't get on the shite if you've got a four year old. You can't get on the shite. This is my mistake.

My kids still live with me. They're really cock blocking my cocaine use. Yeah. And I keep telling them that. But they're like, but we love you. We want to live here. It's our house. Shut up. Well, at least if you put it in the gun safe, that's nice of you. You lock up your bag. Do you have a gun? Oh yeah. Oh, what guns have you got? I have a, I have a shotgun and then I have a pistol as well. You've, you know, like I've never seen a gun except for ones that we've gone to a gun range. I mean like, apart from that time you fired a gun except for ones that we've gone to a gun range. I mean like that time you fired a gun with us. I've never seen one in the wild. Really? Oh, I have when loads of

times you've seen a gun in the wild. Like someone's got a gun. Yeah. There's a kid who lived on our estate called Alan. He let me hold one when I was like nine. What kind of gun? Just an an gun. He was a, he was a, he was a nan kid by the way. He grew up. I specifically said to him when he let me hold it, I went, if I shot someone with this, would they die? And I remember, I swear to God on my mother's grave, this is true. He said, nah, kill you in three there. He's not alive anymore, right? Did you actually, did you dush your Prince off of him? What?

Did you dush your Prince off when you were done? How old were you? Oh, shit. I was thinking I could get used this year, and I've come in a lot of trouble. I was a kid. His childhood Prince. How old were you?

Nine, 10, 11. 9, 11. With an American guest. Of all the ages to pick. You forgot as well. How old were you? 9, 11. I don't want to talk about ages. Well, it's 11, 9 for you guys. So I get it. Sam, what did you do with your guns, just look at them. Yeah. Well,

we got the shotgun because my friend was, uh, he was not mentally stable. So we took all of his firearms and then when we relinquished them to him, when he was finally okay, when we moved out of our house, we found a shotgun behind the couch and I called him and I was like, one of your guns is here. He's like, which one is it? And I was like, it's a shotgun. And he's like, yeah, you guys can have that you don't know all my sounds it's no I know it sounds you know it sounds free you know sounds like we can be trusted you know but uh whatever it's like if you guys found a screwdriver in the couch cushions and you're like oh I needed that for the

ever Hampton game I was made a fool of cause I got here and I saw these scarves that said ever and then Hampton, but it's Everton and South Hampton. But the way it was wrapped around their necks, I thought the team was ever Hampton and I was like, he turned up and said to Carl, have you just got back from the ever Humpty? Yeah. But yeah. So I found that gun and then I have it. And then I bought one that has a big silencer on it. I want to the silencer. Can you shoot it in the house? You can fire it off in the house. I don't know why I'm acting like I really had a silence. Yeah. You get like a phone. That's illegal though. Sure. Well, it's frowned upon. My house though. You know, let them come in. I got Nancy. Get a war. I just rummage in the couch.

Having a silence is the same as not tipping enough. It's just like people frown. Can you get, can you get out loud in a, You can. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you can buy a gun that's typically louder, but you just shout when you shoot. Don that's typically louder. But you just shout when you shoot. Yeah. Yeah. Have you ever shot at anybody?

No, no. God, no, no. But yeah, if you get a thick book with a silencer on like a 22, you can just like sit here and shoot it into the book and it's fine. Tell me that doesn't sound like a good place. Yeah, it does. I love to shoot guns in my house. Well, I'll sit over here on our high horse with their gun laws but at the end of the day

if they brought them in here, if we become the 51st state we'd all have a gun within a week and within a week after this episode we'd be sat on our porches, shooting bullets, shooting journals. I've got a lot of books. Sam's just given us his book, we could shoot that. Yeah, you could put it. Yeah, for sure. It's thick. You could take like six bullets before it like ripped in half. I mean what's when you've had a drink at home, you've got the backyard. I mean, it's gotta be tempting to just go and have a little fucking shoot because it's so scary to have a gun when you're

drunk because you're like I could do anything right now. You know, like it's the call of the void. It's like you hold a gun in your hand and you're like, I could do anything to anyone in here. I could do it to me. You know? So yeah, that's why you keep it in a gun safe that has your wife's thumb print on it. So if anyone comes in the house, what do I have to defend? It's just me alone. Take me. I don't, I had a good run. Do you not think like if someone did break in though, have you got kids? No, no, no. So you and your wife are in the house and a bagel breaks in and he's got a gun. You

better have fast thumbs. Yeah. You've got to wake it up to the bed. But like, don't you just want it ready? No, you don't want it ready because that'd be too easy for you. Well, it's just like, it's so irresponsible that have just a gun loose. It feels bad as a responsible gun owner. Like as a gun owner, you're supposed to be super responsible gun safety. You're supposed to know how to load and unload the gun. My wife knows how to do that with the handgun. I don't know anything about it. To me that feels pointless though. The point of you having a gun is to need to have it when you need it. So why have it anyway?

Why have it? If they come in with a gun and go get down you rob you. What's your gun if you can't get to it? Well that's the thing is it's literally... To be fair in that exact scenario you'd have to be sleeping with it like this. Yeah yeah. Not be under the bed or under your pillow or whatever. It's literally the gun safe is a little box and it's next. It's on her like it's underneath her bed stand. Okay. So it's so she can reach over and thumb it, have it open and then send

that man back to God. Right. You know, it was like downstairs in the kitchen. Yeah. That's a cool sentence by the way. Yeah. That's a euphemism for blowing someone's head off. So you can finally do something brave. If there's a noise in the house, will she? No, no, no. She's not jittery. We also have like, we live in Detroit, which is one of the most dangerous places. So we have a very high tech security system. So if they breach it, that means they really want it, you know? So that's when she has to get the gun out. It's so insane to us. I know it sounds bad, but I mean, what do you mean by high tech security system? I don't think any of us can. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like if the grappling

hook hits the building, you know, it defends itself. It's what they like flips over it. There's like motion sensors and stuff. And then we get, I get a stupid alert on my phone whenever the, like the ring camera goes off, it says someone's at your front door and it can just be a spider crawling on the lens. That's like how high tech it is. I don't know. Right. Okay. I was expecting, I don't have a moat. There's no alligators. I haven't, I'm not a Falconer. I haven't trained any birds to bring me the eyes and then the tongue 27. Rockwell isn't a shotgun. Yeah. Like a normal person. So we've, we've spoken a lot about this about, cause we don't own guns. And I said, I don't, the reason I wouldn't want to, cause I wouldn't want to kill somebody.

Yeah. I don't either. No, but okay. Here's the question. If somebody comes into your house, is your act to kill them? Oh, for sure. You don't shoot a gun at someone unless you want to end their life. What does your, it's not mad.

We totally agree with you. I 100% agree with them. Yeah. I'm not going to shoot. Got some guy in the leg and be like, all right, get out of here. Slap him on the rump with the barrel. All right. Take us golden call. But then he's still got to well, hey, also, also, if I may walk, if you get an opportunity to shoot someone like justifiably, why not take it? Do you want to kill some? No, I don't. But it's like if someone broke into my home with the intent to, you know, rate me and

then the intent is just to bagel rise. Hang on. You keep saying this, but if someone enters your brain, it's your house with a gun. He's got the app. He's going mental. The thumbs on the guns out. You're like, I need to find out what he's after. What are your intentions in my home? He doesn't want to kill someone. It's like, if he's going to be put like, you know, like when you're in a restaurant and you don't want to desert, but then everyone

else has someone you're not being the only one without an ice cream. Yeah. Bring an extra spoon. Blow one of his legs off. No, no, no. Blow his head off. Well, dude, if I shoot, if I shoot you in the leg, you can still lay on your back and then, you know, well, I'm not that good of a shot. I am. I'm dead good with a gun. Oh, okay.

I tell you what, man who's never seen a gun moments ago is now a crack shot. In the wild. You're fucking Chris Kyle all of a sudden. I don't know why I Chris Kyle all of a sudden. I don't know why I am strangely good with a gun. I don't know what it is, but I've never seen one in the wild. I mean, I've never seen like someone have a gun. How many shots do you think he's going to survive?

So you've got a shotgun. Yeah. A shotgun. Blow his arm off easy. So legs first, then his arm. And he's bleeding out from both of those limbs. Have you had to reload the shotgun to take these three shots? I've got three slugs in it.

Three slugs. Do you want a little nugget man that you can scoop up and put on the stoop? I mean, no, look here, I'm sorry. You just go BAM his head's gone. No questions asked. Okay, let's walk it through. You come in my house, I'm with my wife. She is deeply, she is deep asleep because I've satisfied her carnally.

All right. I put her fucking ass to sleep. You know, I'm, I'm reading, I'm reading some novel on my Kindle. Okay. I'm completely new. Well, it's a fantasy. You know, I feel like I can paint with every color of the wind right here. So I'm completely nude.

You enter my home. Yep. Phone alarm goes off. All right. I hear the brick through the window. My wife, what's that? Okay. I get my shotgun. I hear you coming up the stairs. Am I supposed to stand there and try and hit you in the leg or just as soon as I see any bit of- So your first moment at the second you see someone is a blow their head off. If someone broke in my home- 100%! Also, I don't know if you know the demographics- I don't know why I'm asking you.

I don't know if you know the demographics, I don't know if you know the demographics of Detroit, Michigan, Detroit, Michigan was the murder, murder capital of America for a long time. It's where all the cars came from industry left white flight, blight abandonment. So it's like people break into homes in Detroit with the intent to do harm and take whatever they want. So if someone came in my house and I see your fucking backwards hat come up, I'm not going to be like, where's his thigh? You know, I'm going to fucking, I'm going to watermelon your goddamn skull brother. And it's also generational lie for an eye in it because over here we're like, Oh, someone's

breaking in. We don't think they've got a gun. Right, right, right. You've had like you've been raised as like, well, they definitely have a gun. Yeah. I had a gun pulled on me. I know it's really scary. So if I had a gun and someone had a gun, I'm going to, a gun. Yeah. I had a gun pulled on me. I know it's really scary. So if I had a gun and someone had a gun, I'm going to, you know,

where did you have the gun pulled on you? Like a parking lot growing up, like it was a weed deal and there was a gun pulled. And it was like fucking awful. And I just ran as soon as I saw the gun, my dumb friend stood there and got robbed. And it was really bad for like the smallest amount of weed anyone's ever been robbed for. Yeah. So like that's really, it's not, I mean, I don't know if there's time to think and that's, and obviously you aspire to do less harm. But if someone came in your house, dude, like your wife's right there,

she's not waking up because her pussy's wrecked. I don't think you understand the damage that I've done to my wife's little fucking mitten, you know, wake up. I'm depleted. I needed coconut water. You know, I'm tired too. I left it all on the field. It was, it was our last game at the stadium. You know, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I think the bag is coming in, kicking blue flares. Yeah. Yeah. I don't ever forget killing someone. The tube is stuffed. A lot of fans are leaving the game. If you thought Sarah, but I'm saying my first move would to be like barricade the bedroom door. Oh yeah. It's a last, last resort. Yeah. I don't think you should move to Detroit. Carl.

I don't plan. I don't think you're soon. I bet. I don't think you should. I bet it's like, I know there's, what is Manchester the one where they had a lot of industry and then it left? I mean the whole of the, yeah, the north west is pretty industrial. So that's Detroit, like all the cars were there, all the factories, and now there's city blocks that are abandoned. I think that's more like Yorkshire, when like the mines shut. We are a big pudding town. Yeah, probably Probably a lot of fat people. Wait, wait, get the picture of that one. I call my shots. No dude. I agree with you and I know it sounds repugnant and vile and a, but like if someone did break

into my house, I feel like I would have to, I think my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, defend, like push the bed against the door. No, no, no. But then they light the house on fire and you're trapped. What? Why did I've got fired windows? I climb up. What if an arsenal smackhead came in? What if he was on the hop? You know? What if Irvine Welsh broke into my home? I understand your instinct to be like, defend, protect. Yeah, you're an Everton fan.

You've been built. Like attacking is dangerous. So you just defend as much as you can. Eight men behind the ball. Let's see what we can do. I live in the box, man. But understand, like, for me, in the situation where the defense has not worked. Yeah. Once a one, I'm not stupid, but I'm saying, but even then you're saying you want to blow his leg off. I just

don't think maybe this is like a shootout situation too. It's one on one. Once he's done you said, I guess they're I'm so good of a shot. My mom's gone. He's like, I'm trying to go back to bed mate. Cause he's fucked. Oh, you leave him on the landing. I put the sun back on me. Turn that volume up. Still had him. I don't want some fucking fellas head all over me. I've just painted me walls. Oh, so you blow his arms off, which famously spew no blood. Kick him down the stairs, downstairs, hardwood, easy.

I didn't know if it was an aesthetic thing. So now I understand. I just don't know how you think he's surviving that. So you blow his arms off and kick him downstairs. He's still dead. He's just taking hours to die. It's a worse death. I called the ambulance and go, some fellas fucked their mates. I'm watching the telly.

The doors open. I think he's got in. Breaking all of it he did. I'm just saying I couldn't be like, oh, someone's in the house. Yes. What? You just gotta blow someone's head off.

I'm gone. You're like, yes. I'm not saying that, but I do mean that. I'd relish it. Someone broke into my house and I had the opportunities to blow the red off, fuck me. Well, do you guys have castle doctrine here? What's that?

In the States, if someone breaks into your house, you have the legal right to kill them in like most states. No, it's so gray over here. Over there, you have to ask them to leave. Really? Yeah, like literally. But again, there's no guns typically. So just some guy with a broken Peroni red. force is, is what you're allowed to use. Are you allowed

to have, like, do you have the thing where you can fight if two people agree to it? You can have a fight and no one goes to jail. No, that's in Seattle. Isn't it? Is that Seattle? I don't know where it is, but I know there's, there's some States where they have that and some States don't what you can do. Yeah. Like you can like agree to have, don't even stop it. It's like mutual agreeable combat or something. So that's good. But what about like the bare knuckle fellas? Do they get in trouble for having those big fights? They do license though. Some of us like, like BKFC is licensed. I'm talking about like the movie knuckle or like on the street, like the fellas, the travelers, they're not licensed. The police are not. Those guys are fucking cool.

Also, the police aren't going and breaking that fight up because the police want none of that smoke either. Oh yeah, I bet. So that's not legal, but it's also not policed. I see, okay. You know what I mean? Because I think what you're talking about is, I know that that's definitely legal in Portland.

Yeah, probably. So like in Portland in America, if me and you are having a, even if there's a police officer there, if me and go nowhere, having a scrap, he can't go. No, no, no, no. He's just got to know that you've both gone. We're into this. Does he ref it?

Does he ref it? He doesn't ref it. He can walk away. He's just not allowed to get involved. If we want to punch each other's heads in and if I kill him and he agreed to the fight, I don't get done. If he, if you kill him when he falls, yeah, before he falls, if he's on the ground and you kick him in the head, that's a 10th

man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But if you, if you hit him and he falls and he hits his head, that's where it gets murky. Like if you hit your head on the curb after a punch and also you both have to be sober, which no one's ever sober when they're like, it's one AM. They're both at the bar. You have to be sober when you consent to the fight. It's it. So it never really works out. Yeah. Yeah. I do think that is because if you both consent and go for it. Yeah. Yeah. Both consenting adults kicking the fuck out of each other. Yeah. I mean that was me in Japan. You must have been a giant man in Japan. They would yell Godzilla and run away. I wasn't I wasn't allowed in many restaurants.

Honestly, they would hit me with this, like a student at the door, just a big smiling. And it's like, oh, because everyone's sitting on milk crates, of course. Yeah. How tall are you, Sam? I'm six, four. OK. Yeah. Two hundred ninety one pounds today. Is that coming down? Yeah. Believe it or not. What if I was bulking?

What if I was like, fellas, I'm always a three. Yeah. So I was huge over there. You know how they have the people who help you get in elevators at the towers? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Very aggressively. Right. So there's like people who work there whose job it is to cram everyone. But one time I was standing in line for an elevator and the lady looked at me and then she got on her radio and another guy showed up as if she might need a hand getting me in there. But my wife said it was just so that the other person could see how big I was. It was like,

Hey, there's a freak right here by the elevator. Get over here soon. Did you go to Skytree? Oh yeah. Yeah. Went to Shibuya Skytree. It's the tallest building in Asia. Yeah. And you can see all of Tokyo around you. It's like an a half a mile in the sky. It's insane. I really just saw my dad trying to take a photo of all of Tokyo for an hour. It was also December, so it was frigid. It was really an unpleasant time.

Yeah, I've watched the sunset that was insane. Yeah. Are you? This sounds like such a like six year old's question. Are you glad you're so tall? You know what? You like that? You know what, I mean, I've never thought about it. I just like I think moat cuz I'm five Five ten. Yeah, six three on apps He's five nine Depends on the shoes Whatever that means. I I think most men of my height would like to be taller.

Sure. But I think a lot of really tall fellows, which I think you're sort of on that line of, cause I know a few like six, five, six, sixes. I think Bing T runs Hotwaters six, six. So I think some men who are massive would choose to come down a bit. I'm just wondering whether you, you,

I've also been like, my body's big too. So even when I'm not morbidly obese, I'm still take up a lot of space when I'm just regular obese, you know, good old fashioned, but I'm no adjective obese. I am still like really big. So I wouldn't want to be taller. When I was a kid and I was playing football and it was like college football, like aspirations. No, I signed with university of Colorado and I hurt my knee. So I ain't gonna play football, but I was going to.

It's like, maybe if I was six, six, I could be a tackle as opposed to a guard. But no, I do envy the smaller men because you're gonna live longer. Cause I'm gonna fucking pop a blood clot somewhere and be dead in a hotel room. I think I'm going to do that as well. And I'm five nine. You're going to be on the sniff. It'll be fun. You know, there'll be a bunch of people clapping around you when your heart pops. I'm going to be eating like KFC in a, you know, a Marriott Bonvoy property so I can get the points. And like some maid's

going to find me. It's going to ruin her day. Like the last thing I'm going to do is be like, I'm going to be just some sheets. They have to drag out cause I shot myself in my death. That's, that's how I'm going to go. And I think that due to like the longer veins and arteries, the vascularity of the longer body, I'd probably have a long lesser, a lesser lifespan that I can look forward to. Tall is always what the ladies say first though. What you want in a man. It's always tall. Yeah, but they don't say, uh, pudding bodied as well. Tall pudding body.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like they want you to be tall and then like have pecs. You can bounce. They don't want you to be tall and then ask to make love with the lights off, you know? Finn, can you check what the perfect height is to live the longest? Like what's, what's optimum? What's the one? If it's too low. Huh? If you're too small. If you're too small, then like birds can get you.

Yeah, yeah. You don't want an owl to take you to your grave. Owl? Yeah. If you're like really small. Big owl. Yeah. Between five, nine and six foot apparently. Perfect. I'm exactly that at all times. I think you're like the perfect human size. Like you're like prototypical, like what a man, like if, like if I, I've always been like huge, so I don't know what it's like to be, you know, normal to be able to buy clothes off the rack. That's you.

I had to go to that fucking fat guy store down the block to get some bad rhino. I have to buy clothes that, you know, are called bad rhino. That's not what you want. What do you get that we don't? I said, you get to see the top off the top of the fridge. You see the top of the fridge. Yeah, yeah, for sure. To play O line Colorado.

Yeah. Yeah. It could have to be tall to, for sure. To play all line Colorado. Yeah. Yeah. It could have to be tall to play that position. What's all line. I can look down shirts a lot better than a lot of people. What's with the huge tits here in Liverpool? Really odd for a long time. What is it? People just really take a lot of care in their appearance. So you know, girls like big tits because they know men like girls with big tits. I mean, I, you were like, why don't you ring the buzzer and come in? And I was like, I'm having a blast out here. And then I get here and there's a novelty size bra store right there. Bravissimo. Yeah. It's for D through L's. Is it called

novelty size? Have you got the big girls? I've got novel. Dan got fitter for a bra there. You don't have a, I mean, I went in and, and, and bought the biggest bra I could find. I've got novels for a brother. You don't have a, I mean I went in and, and, and bought the biggest bra I could find. I never wore it. Well, I wish I was, they already thought I was a dickhead, but I didn't need to wear a double L. A waste of 60 quid. Oh no. I wish I was lurking in front of the correct location because I could have been sitting out there for a half hour. Is this, is this a well-known thing that you guys have very busty women who women who really give a shit about what they look like? Yeah. That's a thing in Liverpool is women really giving

a shit about what they look like and putting a lot of effort into how they dress and how they come across and stuff. And yeah, you know, tits are a big part of that song. Sure. And then there's a lot of them are like orange for some reason. They do love a fake Tanya. OK. Yeah. OK. So that's that's like that's not like augmented. Yeah. They're not like Trump supporters who are like trying to assimilate. They're just like fucking. Well, it's like there's like purple people in America

because they all drink off this one spring that has like some kind of silver in it. And it turns them blue and purple. And I didn't know if there was like something in the water here that was, no, this isn't like Appalachia, but Flint's, Flint's an hour from my house. Okay. So no, no. Our water's great because we drink right out of the lake. We live by. So did they. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're all dead. What's this purple people? Uh, there's like purple people in Appalachia. There's some kind of silver colloidal silver and it's in the water and it turns your skin purple and blue. Is it, this is like a working class plight thing, not like a health retreat. No, no, no. Yes. Isn't a spa. Have you taken the

purple water? Well, I think that, uh, uh, colonial silver was recommended for a while for pregnant women. And then it was turning kids into like, you know, like hand out of the head types. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Too many hands. Yeah. Also, I didn't know there's a, there's a word that we use in America that we've used forever. We can say it now. Can we? Would you call it a mind? Spaz. Oh yeah. Yeah. I said wild to have a guess. Just hang back.

No, the lid of my babies is the hand out of the head types. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Spaz is no, it's not back. When you said blue, I was, I was imagining like a slight tinge. This is a smurf. This is an actual

popper smurf. Yeah. You're going to have to show us. I can turn it around. Oh, come on. Yeah. Oh, come on. I think that's a black fella too, but he's just purple now. We've got one of them. Yeah. We have one of them. What? We have one of them. And over here, this is how sort of stupid people who are sort of hateful are. Thalidomide. Yeah. There was a slayer that came off the back of that for disabled people, which was FLID. F-I-F-L-I-D. Because people didn't know it was thalidomide. They thought it was because people didn't know it was thalidomide. They thought it was fly midd... Do you know what? I'm just learning it now. That's how much I thought. I really did. Honestly. Did you not know that?

If you'd have asked me to spell it 25 seconds ago, you'd have been like, yeah, because flid was, that's been... Stop being a flid. Flid was big back in the day. I'm taking flid home. I love flid. Yeah. Yeah. If someone's being'm taking fluid home. I love fluid. Yeah. Like, you know, I know how they're being fled is fled is like an alternate to restart. I knew that. Stop being a fluid. And that's it. You've completed your bingo card. We haven't announced it. I believe we've done nine 11. We normally do both. Right, let's stop being flids and have a fucking break.

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I've not got a busy day tomorrow. We've got to do a patron episode after this. I think I'm just going to drink through the whole day. Why not? Dinner and I'm just going to put it in the fuck. Sam, where can we find you online? On your book. Tell us about your book, please.

Oh yeah. You can find me at samtalent.com and you can find my book, Running the Light, which was published in hardback here, uh, two days ago and you can get it book Running the Light, which was published in Hardback here two days ago. And you can get it at all. Waterstones running bookstores throughout the UK and the English speaking world. What kind of book is it? It's a novel about a standup comedian who doing seven days in the American Southwest. And he is addicted to cocaine and alcohol. And he's haunted by the death of his marriage and being a bad father.

And it's just seven days in his life. And Doug Stanhope called it the definitive novel about standup and yeah. That's a good, very proud of it. That is the absolute pinnacle of endorsement. But as well, yesterday I was at a hot water, just doing some club sets and Mark Jennings, who's been on the pod a couple of times.

Yeah, I did his pod. He was nice. He's a good lad. And I watched the end of the cup final with him and he was like, oh, if you got coming up on the podcast, I was like, Oh, we've got some talent in tomorrow. And he worked with Sam recently and Mark literally goes to me, have you read his book? And I was like, no. And he goes, even if you're not like a big reader, you've got to read it. He's like, it is so fucking good. He's like, for anyone to read it, it's spectacular. But for a stand up to read it, you'll just fucking love every second of it. He's like the audio versions on Spotify. And like, he, he was so like keen and like, like really, really, really like over the top with his admiration of it. So I mean, I am

going to read it or at least the first few pages. I'm bad at like buying books and then not finishing. I brought you a copy. You bring me a copy. Is it on Audible? It's on Audible, yeah. Did you do the, did you read it?

No, like Shane read some Stanhope, Mark Norman, Dan Soder. I had a comic read every chapter, a different chapter. So if you like, if you're a fan of stand up. Oh, now I'm listening to it. Yeah, yeah. That's so cool. If you like stand up, if you like comedy, if you're a fan of stand up, Oh now I'm listening to it. Yeah. Yeah. If you like stand up, uh, if you like comedy, it's the only book about stand up. It's a novel. So it's not like a, some memoir from me. So yeah, I'm really proud of it.

Stan hopes the only guest we've ever had on that I've asked for a selfie. Really? I got like, I got a bit of hero worship. Yeah. You've got to play it cool on you with this is our job. We're all comics. Not with Doug. I was like, come sit on my lap and give me a kiss. He changed my life. He talks about this book and he got it into fans of standup. And I don't think that it would be a, I self published it initially and then Orion books, white rabbit bought it here. And now they put it out in hardcover and it wouldn't happen without Stan hope. So it's a good dude. I'm very proud of it. Have you hung hung out with him in, is it Arizona dude? Is it bigs? But Bisbee Bisbee, that's it. I mean, Stan

Hope was like a legend. He was a hero. I opened for him occasionally coming up and stand up. He was always really sweet to me, but you know, he didn't really remember my name or face. Uh, so, but then he read the book and he called me one time and I was like, holy fucking shit. Hello, Doug, you know? And then he starts calling me a lot and now he'll call me at like 1am and I'm like, yeah, he did. He had me down there and me and Shane were, Gillis were down there actually for like two weeks together during COVID. It was very nice. And we ate a bunch of mushrooms and then laughed about if Doug died, what we would do. Isn't this place like famous? Yeah.

The fun house. Yeah. Yeah. But it's COVID. So he wasn't taking in strangers and vagrants like he typically is. He gives us a dress up. That's true. People can just wander off.

212 Van Dyke street, Busby, Arizona. And you can roll up there and he'll, uh, if he's just like chilling on the patio, you can have a drink with them. He definitely brings in people who want to meet him. That's so cool. He's exactly the man you want him to be. Yeah. Yeah. I admire him. When he came here, he got a car from a gay girl, and he took a gummy. So when he got here, he wasn't here. Yeah. He was still in Nottingham. And then in the second section he was like, Oh shit. Okay. I've come back now. The first section

he was a bit of, yeah. He apologized and he was like, I don't know. This was a proper thing. So like when I see his, his tour dates, I just tweet, I replied to the tweet and was like, Doug, we'd love to get you on the podcast. Like we're based in Liverpool, we'll get you a car from wherever you need to, whatever. And Shane replied to me, I was like, Doug, go and do the show. So that sort of made it happen. I don't know whether it came through Doug directly

or whoever it was doing his publicity. But it happened. It was Doug directly. Yeah, like I think so. Yeah. And I was like, look Yeah, like I think so. Yeah. And I was like, look, we'll send a car. And he was like, the only day that'll really work is the one I'm in. Like I'm getting into Nottingham and I've got to be back in Nottingham by like 4 p.m.

or whatever. So we were like, look, we'll get a car to pick. It's two hours drive to Nottingham. So I was like, we'll get a car to pick you up. We'll get you to Liverpool for one and you'll be back in Nottingham by four, five, whatever you need it to be. Yeah, yeah. And, but like he's just seeing this random guy that he's never heard of or met on the internet,

go, do you want to come do the show? And he's going, oh fuck it, I'm in the UK, I'll go and do it. Yeah. And then he walked in and he was actually our first ever guest in this studio. So it was so clean and spotless. And we just moved here, massive upgrade from our old place. And he, he didn't just take a gummy. He was off his fucking head. It wasn't our gummy. He'd gone like I met him outside. And I went down to him and I was, I was like,

oh, nice to meet you. He's like, I'm high as fuck, man. I'm Doug. And I was like, he tried to time travel from Nottingham. He had a big guy with them as well. Totally. So yeah. A couple of times where someone's got a guy with them. And yeah, the guy was a huge man from America. Chad shank. He was a big dude. I think it was him. Yeah. And he come in and literally what he said as he came into this room, he goes, Oh, I fucked it. This is like a Howard Stern set. He goes, I'm going to be shit boys. And we were like, you're going to be fucking great. Yeah. And the first half hour, he is just like fucking looking around the room.

And then the next hour after that is just fucking brilliant. He was so funny. He like he he like is a pendulum. He's either like the most insightful, locked in funniest present guy, or he's the doddering old man who doesn't know where or how he is. So you got the first half of him, like, you know, not being here. But I'm glad we got all of it. I don't just want half of that, I want all of it. You got the whole thing. And we've got some proper stand up fans. Go and listen to some old, like, Stand Hope.

It's so good. Not even the old stuff. It's all good. But I used to love it when I was first getting into stand up because there was no one, I didn't know anyone like it because everyone was like, Oh, Bill Hicks was amazing. I thought Stan Hope was so much funnier. I agree with you. I agree with you that Stan Hope speaks more to what I think is funny. But I did watch that Hicks freaks out in Chicago clip like two nights ago and I'd never really like gave it the time of day. He was really good as well. Yeah. And I mean, obviously he was trying to be funny though, cause what's that? I think so much of the stuff that's well known, I don't think he's trying to

be funny. No, I don't think that's his priority. I don't think Bill Hicks, the stuff that became famous in the nineties, I don't think he was trying to rip the room. I think he was trying to be profound and yeah, he was dying. He was like Norm at the end where he like knew he was dying. I like a comic who can do all of that while killing. Sure. I seen a clip of Stano recently that like I must have seen it before, but I just didn't remember it. And it was about how moderation is nonsense. He's like, people say, I'll do everything in moderation. He's like, no, you should have abundance in moderation. So don't have like two beers every night.

Have 15 on Sunday. Tell that person you work with, she's a fat, horrible bitch. And then spend the next six days apologizing for it. And it spoke to me. That is how I live my life. Put it in the fucking wall. The sad thing is about that. I'm the bitch that he works with. That's what hurts about that.

I saw some comments. I'm only just seeing you're looking fucking jacked. Well, that's, that's what juicing will do. I've seen the comments and I haven't seen it. When you were like that, mate, I was like, fuck me, mate. You too. I mean, you're always jacked. Are you on the spike? I'm trying to play O-line. It's unusual for an overweight 44 year old at 5'8", but the game's changed.

It's your time. One day, I'm going to be like... You're like, that looks like an idiot. Yeah. Sorry, just take some candids, love. Yeah. That's on the test. Yeah? On. Oh, is it, is it changing your life? Yeah. I've gone blind in one eye, but I feel great.

My depth perception is off, but I have an erection right now. So sign up a manual. You look ripped. Um, let's do some, Let's do some. This ain't just any order. This is an executive order. Ow! I need to be funny. This is good. Oh, I bet it's great.

It's one of the worst things we've ever done, but all of us love it. I don't know how long it'll last as a jingle. I'm so stunning making that. Executive orders wise, Sam, I feel like you're a man with, you know, just insight and you've got, you know, annoyances. If you were the president of the world, even for 24 hours and you've got you know annoyances if you were the president of the world Yes, even for 24 hours and you want to push through some executive orders. Yeah, what are we doing? We finished the job in Gaza. No

So I think I'd be played the jingle That's the end of the feature. Sam talent.com. Uh, no, no, no. Obviously this is a comedy show. Jokes, jokes are fun to make, but, uh, no. So I would, uh, you know, when you're going up an escalator? This happens traditionally in train stations and airports, but someone's going up an escalator and they have their wheelbag and they get off at the top of the escalator and then they stop.

They stop and they look at where the trains are departing from, what platform, where's my gate for their airline. They stop right there and then they've got 300 pounds of bleary-eyed me barreling forward them. I can't turn around and walk back down. I think those people should really. That's what your silences for me. That's what it's for. The silences for you should just get 100 untraceable bullets. If someone stops at the top of the escalator, just you're not making your connection now. Yeah, I'd put them against the wall. Do you know genuinely how much this type of stuff, so when we first brought this feature in,

one of the first things I said was like, you gotta have a walking license to be allowed at your house. Like you've gotta be able to walk like everyone else does. Like if you're one of these once a year in a city center people, it was like, oh, like get out the fucking way. You're an asshole.

This is like the peak of the top of an escalator. They're like, oh, I'll just stop here. There's a person on every step behind you. Like if you wait five seconds, that's probably fucking eight people who are now, oh, blow their heads off. And there's no way out for me. I can't retreat.

And if you're at the top of the escalator- And even if it was, you shouldn't have to. Well, and that's when I'm like, great place to stop. That's what I hit them with. I'll do that. Yeah, yeah. I'll do that. Yep.

Just like, and I'm like three, I'm like one, you know, I'm about to smush them with my body. Great place to stop. And then they're like, oh, and they see me just getting slowly taller, bigger. Yeah, that one. Oh, you do that when you still halfway down. Yeah, yeah.

As soon as they stop, I hit him with it. It's like the only valve I have. I'm a pretty chill guy. Also, when people get up on the airplane and they need to be the first one off, I stand in the middle. I put my body in that aisle and if they try to get up before me, I'll get out and shove my ass into them. Like I'm boxing out and be like, I also want to get off the plane. I've hit many a person with that. I too would like to exit the plane. It should just be where you are. If you think the person on row one should get to

leave first. I do think so. Unless there's a connection. If there's a connection, fine. You split the plane in half. If there's two connection, fine. You split the plane in half. If there's two doors, it's one by one. If you're sat behind me, I'm getting off before you. I've just realized, I didn't tell you about like an actual fucking like screamer match I had on the plane on the way over to... Italy?

No, where else? Wherever I went in January. New York, Austin? From New York to Austin. And I, I, I like, I say a screaming match. I had a go with the fella and he like, he was like, no, I'm leaving me back there. He was British as well. And he was on like row 20 and he put his back above row two. This is where the shotgun comes in. I'm okay with that. You don't like this move.

That is not a move. You've been doing so well. Don't ruin this. Go on. I feel like I can be honest with you and we can still be friends. If I sit up front a lot, it's like the only nice thing I do. I sit up front. I'm usually also getting on before everyone else due to my status on set airline. So if I'm up there and we're all seated already,

if we're all seated and our stuff's accounted for, I don't mind if someone comes on first class in like zone four or five and puts their bag up there because Lord knows in the back, it's feral. Yeah, that's a once in a fucking million years thing. This is the bad going on because they've gotten first, they know they're at 20, they put their bag up in the two, like rows one to four are still empty. Interesting. Okay.

So ropes one to four empty. Yes. Okay. Maybe you are not too accustomed with this because I suppose in America they have the, we're now sitting zones, whatever on even small flights over here. Sometimes first of all, it can be just a free flow, it's like the flight's now boarding and everyone just gets on. And there's no first and there's no priority, there's no whatever.

But also sometimes, if there's just a door at the front of the plane, sometimes they don't open the door at the back of the plane. So what they do is they seat the plane from back to front. Because in their head they're like, oh, well we'll get all the back people on so that no one's walking past anyone to get on. Sure. So let's say there's 30 rows. They'll go right from row 25 to 30. I like that. I've had that a couple of times over

here. I like that. Then people on row 30. Yeah. We'll get on and put their bag at the front of the plate because they know that's where they're getting off. Oh, so yeah, there's a lot more elements that play here than I'm accustomed to. So I do side with you. You are the voice of reason in this instance. I got on first. Fuck you. I don't care where your bag goes. Yeah. I'm getting my bags. Also, the majority of the people getting these flights are going on a city break in Europe. So almost all, everyone has the like the case that they take onto the plane and in the overheads and it builds the pressure. That's why all the dads are like getting, they want a cue, they want to be on there first. They know the seats are already

sorted, but it's getting the storage above your thing and it gets eggy. It's almost, even though having checked luggage is a pain because you have to A, get there early to check it to go under the plane and then you have to wait afterwards. It's almost nice just being like, I don't have to a get there early to check it to go under the plane. And then you have to wait afterwards. It's almost nice. Just being like, I don't have to worry about any of you. It's great because you don't have to worry about people being bellends with like the overheads. A cabin bags are a standard on like domestic flights. Do you have to pay extra? I mean, there's, there's, we have the easy jet equivalent over there. They have the air lingus of like a frontier spirit where you have to pay for

everything that goes on the plane. But no, most of your like, you know, mid tier better. You get a bag for free. But no. So what you're describing has infuriated me when I also know there's very limited space when I'm walking through the middle of the plane and I see that they're all shut and I see some motherfucker put it in right here and then keep going. Yes, of course. I fill with ire and outrage. Because then the person who sat, let's say it's on row four. The person who sat on row

four, like they have to go to row 11 to put their bag. And then when they're getting off, they have to like then go back to row 11. That single mum that you had to help out because the power because she was in our, we were in like the fifth row and she got on late, she's got a kid, she was clearly stressed and then there was nowhere to put bags. And so Adam took hers, took her stuff and put it like 10 rows back. And then as soon as we landed, Adam was first up and you had to basically go, mate, can you move? Because I've got to get her stuff. Right. Right. Because people have

been gobshite. Lazy. We've got one about massive cock and big arms. And then she was like, I need to suck you off now. And she was like, I've never seen bigger. So I've got, I've got one that's kind of like that where I'm often trying to help women put their stuff up and that's nice move. But when you ask a woman, can I help you? And she says, I'm often trying to help women put their stuff up and that's nice move but when you ask a woman can I help you and she says I'm fine that's when I want to put her up there yeah because it's like oh I'm so sorry gender roles got in the way of you being four foot ten and now we all got a watch here as you fucking shoot a bank shop up it makes me also even if you are fine, it's easier for you to do it. Yeah. It's like I'm up here. I'd say yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Old ladies love you in like

a supermarket or and I, I love you shopping alone because my wife says I take too long because I'm always then helping old women get things off. I like if a woman asked me for help and I get it, then invariably she's like, would you mind walking over to the coffee aisle too? So like I've been stuck in supermarkets doing that longer than I want to. So if that was me, I'd help with that first time. And then when she did that, I'd be like, yeah, I'll be right back.

And she would never see me again. Well, so I'm usually, I have nothing to do. So I'm like, yeah. And then you talk to an old lady, you know, I was walking around with an old lady one time and she was like, oh, that's a nice wig. And I was like, what? And she's like, yeah, when I was nice wig And I was like what and she's like, yeah when I was a girl we all used to get a wig me and the gals and then we'd we'd share it around for the week and we'd wear it when our

Husbands got home and we would all take bets on how long they would take them to notice if I had a wig on And I guess this lady had a wig on for three days before her husband noticed one time. Oh, that's so soft Yeah, I know it was heartbreaking, but I don't I'm not gonna get that unless I'm like walking over to help her get the margarine. I thought that was going to be sexual. I was waiting for sex to quit. And it was really innocent and sad. I was like, yeah, it was heartbreaking. I'm not going to be able to wank to that later. How satisfying would it be to put an old lady on the top shelf though? Oh, I'd like to put her on my shoulder and let her sit there. You know, you wake up there like a baby or just about airports. We've got a listener who says Laura, Laura says people who crossed the line waiting

for luggage at the airport should be herded into a pen at gunpoint and made to wait until all the non-cons have got their baggage. So after a flight, when you're all waiting around the carousel, there is a line, isn't there? And people just rush it. The worst is when they stand in front of you, like, you don't know your bags before, man. Like we're both doing the same thing. Just walking stand next to me.

Just all be normal humans. Also it goes in a big oval shape traditionally, right? Like you can stand at various points around it. No, but like sometimes it's completely full. And like the entire plane, sometimes like two planes where the bags go on it. Like there's two planes to the round it, but I'll be honest with you,

in that situation, every man to themselves, you can suck my dick, this is not a cue. I agree with you. And also what I won't do is stand in front of the mouth when they let it out the flaps, you know, and it hits the conveyor belt. People who stand in front of the mouth eagerlyly or they let their kids get the bag and then they can't get the bag off. It's like move it. What are we doing? Just go slightly out

the way. The mouth is a nightmare. You're like, is that my bag? You don't get it there and then you've got to then run around the thing. Just wait at three o'clock. It'll be you can see it coming. It's fine. It's nice watching your bag though. And like knowing your bag's not lost and you can see it. yeah, it's fine. It's a small victory I think we've got a good one here from Ashley about people being dickheads. It actually says executive order. I have an He says alright lads if I had an executive power, I'd introduce a new law one free slap a month No consequences. No comebacks. That's it, just one. Use it wisely.

Too many people blocking aisles or stopping in front of you asking the same questions. Society needs a little incentive to sharpen up. No age restrictions either. Even Sir Tom's catching one for his daughter's sins. So the executive order from Ashley is you're allowed to just, you get one a month. And what's good about this is if you get lots of slaps, you're like, oh, I get lots. I must

be a bad dickhead. Yeah, you're course correct. Lots of people are slapping me. If you, if you get 12 a year, you are a fucking nobbed. Yeah. Real Toddger. Yeah. No, you might get more than that. Really? People like that. Oh yeah. You know your shit. You can only give 12. Yeah. You can get it. Unlimited. Yeah. I know who I would have fucking slapped last night. Well, went to some restaurant.

Can I get some ketchup? Sure. House made ketchup. Oh, we've said this before. This has been done. Who are you slapping there though? You're right. That comes from the top.

No, I shouldn't. I shouldn't take it out on the server. You're right. The top back. No, I shouldn't. I shouldn't take it out on the server. You're right. But yeah, it makes me so mad. Yeah. So yeah, you'd save your slap though. Or you just get in it, getting rid of it on the last day. Oh, they would have signed the direct order and I would be slapping someone in three minutes.

I'm not, I'm not putting that in my back pocket. It can't be like the last day of the month and you've got a slap and you just slap a random. That's what I mean. Oh no. The last working week, the last week of the month, just before payday, when everyone was like, shit, I've got to get rid of this slot. Yeah.

It would be crazy. Are you not thinking like you're like impulse to take over and just slap an old person and see what happened? There'd be a lot of eye makeup. Wouldn't it be class though, if you wanted to slap someone at like five to 12 on the 31st of July and then you got to belt them again. Five minutes later, the double. Happy new year. Have you got any others, Sam? I don't think you should be able to hit a lady though with the slap thing. That's a good executive. That's a great executive order. Okay. Someone

said it. Who's hitting the women though? Can you ask another woman to hit the woman? Like you can go, can I use your slap on her? So you can be like, I need a champion to slap this woman? Yeah, slap that woman and I'll slap someone for you. I'd have, I'd get my wife and I'd tell her to put her rings on. We're going on a slap off. Yeah.

I think it should be a free throw. I think a quality would mean you can slap a woman. I think the slap makes it makes makes it slapping children. If it's open-handed. Yeah. You could still pop an eardrum with that. You gotta be able, you gotta have designated zones. You're allowed to make constantly over here. I'm slapping so many kids. I'm a feminist. They're getting slapped. And then I was going to come off at Will's where it was kids. Yeah. Someone's head was coming. It was great to see Carl make an enemy that was 10 years old. It was really fun. What a massive fan of kids. That's good. So one of my executive orders was that children shouldn't be allowed in public places until they're five. Interesting. Yeah. Because no one, you love your kids,

you love your kids. No one else loves your kids. I was like a dog. No, if you didn't know when they were shouting, you wouldn't. What? If you didn't know who Dan was and they were in your space shouting, you wouldn't. They do that as well. When they're drunk. I don't like when, I don't like when it's a teachable moment. Like, you know, some kid comes up to you, starts, you know, touches your whatever. And then the mother says, Oh, I don't think he likes that without admitting that I'm a human being. That's part of this. You might like it. Well, no, it's just like, don't hit people. Yeah. No, he doesn't like it. Right. Yeah. Like you shouldn't hit people and admonish them. Not make it like a teachable moment where I'm the human guinea pig caught up in this very patient cyclone. Are you ever the man? The man? Yeah.

What do you mean? So like in, I mean over here, if you're in a supermarket being bad, your mom would go, Oh, a child, a child. Yeah. You go, Oh, if you're in a supermarket being bad, your mom would go, oh. No, a child. A child, yeah, yeah. You go, oh, if you don't stop, that man's gonna shout. And then they use another adult as like the authority. No. But if I get used as the man, I take the role of the man.

You do it. So like if a woman's like, hey, stop doing that, or the man, he'll take it away. And I'll go, I'll fucking take you. You, you little cunt. You're going to be a man. He's holding three kids hostage right now. He's not the man. I'm going to have Alan show you his gun. Hey, got a silencer. No one will hear it. Yeah. The man is a fucking player. It's a man. Yeah. I would embrace the role of man if I was, yeah, for sure. Don't make me the man. If you don't want me to be the man. Oh, the man will if you don't want me to be the man.

Oh, the man will shout and use you. I won't be able to stop the man. Yeah, your mom's powerless to help you, you little bellend. I'll kill her as well. You're about to die. I can't believe people using the man without, like I do it, they work there. Like if they work at the place. I know, I've been the man, like, oh, if a kid's like going, like making noise,

oh, that man will, I'm shouting, I'll go a will shout. So this is a well known phenomenon. So what you're describing is exactly what infuriates me is when I'm the man or he doesn't like that instead of being like, I'm so sorry. Hey, he's three years old. Yeah. Yeah.

You're now the bad guy. Yeah. Yeah. I don't mind you doing that, but he doesn't like it. Yeah, yeah, exactly. No, that's not the issue. Yeah, no, it really chaps my ass. I can kill you and everyone you love.

And I'm going to be so horrid when I do it. I've been waiting for this. Two guns, he's dead. I don't even know who he is. One more, one more from the listeners. This is an anonymous executive order. So weird. What? Yeah. That's just going to have

race involved, isn't it? It says outlaw Albanians. We were all right. He says outlaw man bags. No, why did you need this to be anonymous bag? I thought you said man bike. No. Why did you need this to be anonymous? It's like a bag. I thought you said man bike. I know a man bag. Yeah. Outlaw man bags. You look pathetic searching through your handbag for your wallet keys or whatever. Grow up and just put things in your pocket and use a backpack. Why was this anonymous? Yeah. What a brave stance. That would be lapsed off my back pocket. I want to find out. I'm so glad you got that. I had to remember it though. Nathan. Pussy. So you just outed him? Yeah. You can ask for anonymity. Not if you're like, just ban man bags. Just get big pockets. I'm sick of it.

Is this, is this backpacks involved too? Or they didn't? No, he said, he said don't get a man bag. He basically isn't securing himself to wear the bag across his body. So he's worried. We're talking to all the men go and look at him being more masculine than me. I love a fanny pack. I love them as well.

And I have to wear it around here because it doesn't fit down there. So you're being ableist, Nathan, you pig. Yeah, Nathan. Yeah. Pack and fanny. What's his last name? Ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of this week's episode. Sam Talent was our brilliant guest, samtalent.com.

Yeah, yeah, T-A-L-L-E-N-T. And the book is called Running the Light. It is available at Waterstones. And also just check it out online order it online It will be available wherever you get it. And if you're an audiobook guy, it's on audible. It's on Spotify Thank you so much for being here. I was overjoyed. Thank you for having me And I've got some work in progress shows and sales Adam road code at UK. I've added shows in London There's more in Manchester now leads

Cardiff and Birmingham are getting added. I'm doing new stuff. I bring like two or three mates with me. It's really chilled for my fun shows in smaller rooms. And I'm really loving it. So come and see us. And the lineup changes all the time and the show changes all the time. So you can come as often as you like.

Any song, Finn? Yeah, we've got, this is one of the great band names that we've had so far. The lineup changes all the time and the show changes all the time. So you can come as often as you like. Any song, Finn? Yeah, we've got, uh, this is one of the great band names that we've had so far. This is Late Night Hologram and this is their tune away. I wasn't expecting gram at the end of that. I'll be honest with you. Um, off we go. Bye Felicia.

Bye.