Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #331 with Nick Helm & Thomas Green - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: June 1, 2025

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's September Karaoke Party: https://www.skiddle.com/e/40966945Listen to Finn's new single 'Remedy': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/RemedyAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Saily | https://saily.com/Download SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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We do loads of live stuff and we've got a huge announcement coming soon tweak a nipple get excited sign up to the patreon enjoy the episode. Finn was great in it. Always. the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have Award. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Hey! Thomas, you had a question. I had a question. Yeah. Is this a swear? Would you call that a swear? Yeah.

Not if a baby does it. No, no, definitely if a baby does it. If a baby's lying then it goes... Yeah. If it does both. Yeah. So what happened the other day, we were driving and Louis was in the back and

So if next to me and I got cut me up right under a tunnel. Are you kid? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, not Louis Armstrong. No, no, no, no, and then old mate and then we're going I'm strong flips you off like, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa,

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Louis Armstrong is. I just realized my phobar. Who's Louis Armstrong? Louis Armstrong is our. And I think to myself. What a wonderful moon. He's on the Moon Man. He's the what? He's the Moon Man. What do you mean? He's the first man on the moon.

No. I'm not buying the second one. No, that's exactly what I'm saying. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, don't stop, stop chipping in. And let him answer the question. I'm not buying the second one. No, that's exactly Armstrong. Thomas you finished the song? Huh? You finished the song? I thought that was a joke. No, that's Louis Armstrong's song.

I thought Carl was making an Armstrong pan going on. It's a singer. It's, I like to move it. That's Louis Armstrong as well. He also did the Tua tab bit, yeah. Oh no. So you think-

One minute in, fuck. You think, look, Neil Armstrong will tour the France and Lance Armstrong will enter the moon. I thought that maybe he might've cycled in his retirement. Okay. He's done the moon. He come down, he started cycling. Okay. ADHD meltdown already in the last two minutes.

Let's go back to your story. So you're in the car with Louis, your son, and Sophie, your wife. My wife, and we went to, yeah, the wife went to a cross, and this guy, I watched him because he'd been really pissed off on the motorway, and then he'd come in and he'd cut me up, and then I beeped because I nearly hit him, and I was already going in, and he went, and then he beeped me, and then put his window down and shouted at me. I couldn't hear his,

actually he went, I was like, oh, yeah, I'm strong. But he shouted at me. And then I all I did was like, yeah, this. Right. And so was like, you just swore at him. And I was like, no, I didn't. But I know you did. But so what? No. But in my head, because Louis, my Louis has been picking up on, uh,

uh, like language, he's been repeating a couple of words. He's been also like, uh, repeating can't well, that's what I've been, I want a bit of a cunt band. Like I'm not allowed to say can't. So it's done. It's like having a beer. Yeah, so I've got to watch what I'm swearing, what I'm saying. And then she says, you know, you saw it. But Louis doesn't have the cognition to understand what that is. Yeah, and he didn't see me. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, here's the thing. Here's the thing. You have swore, you have swore at him, but Libby can't understand that.

I would never call that a swear. Okay, but what, so in your head, what is that? Fuck off, which is a swear. Yeah, but I'm not saying, when she said you swore, that makes me feel like it's an audible or vocal thing. Yeah, it is, but that is a visual representation of it. If someone does that, you're not happy, are you? If I write down, you're a cunt and slide it over to you,

you wouldn't be like, oh no, what are you, like you'd be like. Can't hear it. That is a very rare point. So that is swearing. He's not picking that up though, he's not that smart. Well, yeah, he's not doing, he's doing, oh no, I mean, he spuds, he's high fiveing.

Yeah, because you're doing it to him. If you come up and do that, he's gonna learn it, yeah? He's doing like West Side, all that sort of stuff at the middle, he's just not swearing yet. Yeah, if you like change his nappy, is he still nappies? Nappies, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so if you change his nappy,

and then he immediately shits in the new one, and then you go, oh, Lily, and then he goes, eh, eh, eh, eh. Then that's your fault. But also, I actually think in the car, you've got to be able to say, fuck. I'm so angry at people I'm driving. Get him some noise canceling headphones,

specifically for car jannies, so that you can say whatever you want. I'm just Turtle Beach person. You're gonna release, like, they already cut me up. I could've say, what'd he say? Sponsored by Turtle Beach. So I just, I'd say I'd use Turtle Beach personally.

I don't know what the code is. See, in my head, that's piss off and that's fuck off. Is that a swear in Australia? Cause that's not in America. That's like peace. That's like a dead light, isn't it? No, that's what it is, what people don't really do that. Like I, I heard that the reason that that was a swear

was because apparently back in medieval times they used to cut the archer's fingers off. The English cut the French archer's fingers off or something and then go as like an insult. Is that true? It is like having done. It makes sense. I like it. We've got them and you haven't. You can't do bow and arrows anymore, you little frog

eating swat. But how does it go from that to fuck off? In Vietnam, this one means pussy. Pussy? Yeah, if you see someone you go. Is that because they're going please I want some? Yeah. Turkish got your nose is like fuck off. Genuinely, like that's fucked up. What do you mean got your nose? Well no, don't say got your nose, but the motion of got your nose is fuck off. I thought you meant like it was really offensive to take someone's nose. What's that one?

If you take their nose. I'll fist you. I'll fist you in the ass. What's that one? Isn't that like a East New York thing? Up yours, isn't it? Up yours, literally. It is an extension of I'll fist you.

The Italians do this, right? Yeah, and I'm pretty sure they bite their thumb. Or that might just be Romeo and Juliet. They do all this gear. They bite their thumb? Yeah. That's what I'm thinking, though. They also do that one as well.

They're in exam. Take many exams, do you, Tom? No. 8, 4 plus 2 cubes. eight four plus two cubes. You give them a lot of credit there. Wow. Question three is a diagram. Is this a swear? Well, it depends on the baby. I said no car or not actually. I remember when I was a kid and they sent to me, get undered. Mike, what does this mean? I remember saying conversations when you're a kid. What's the cooler one? No, I remember saying, what is that bad?

And he was like, yeah. Then he said, that one's worse. He said, but that's also bad. Don't do that to nobody. I was a kid. So my granddad told me that was fuck, and that was fuck you. But then that would just be like,

if you'd hurt your toe or something then wouldn't it? Ah, fuck. Fuck. That could be fuck, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Right and then fuck off, fuck off. Or fuck you, fuck you. If someone done that to me I'd laugh.

The two fingers one. What have you done together? That's fuuuuck you! That's scissoring. That's all just for lesbians. One time I was in a car and I pulled up next to someone. Flex. And I was like scratching my nose and they started up next to someone and I was like scratching my nose and they started taking the piss out of me for like picking my nose and I went to flick

the V's and I didn't really know what to do and I was kind of overcome with like I've got to like show these people. You went to flick the what? Flick the V's. Oh. I went like that. And I think that's an underutilized like the two fingers in the mouth of the tongue. That's like a pussy. Yeah, but there were two fellas.

That's fucked you and lesbian. That's threatening as fuck if I go, I'm going to lick your pussy. They sped off. So it's funny, I did this yesterday. A woman was crossing. What is? No, a woman was crossing Eggbef Road, I'd driven quite a distance, which is a main, it's a dual carriageway, you know, there's crossing points and she

crossed in the middle and like made me slow down So I was like, what are you doing like that? And then I saw behind she was like, so I did that in the mirror But then I'm she saw it. She definitely didn't say no, but I had no other way of throwing me anger now So I just went in the mirror at that point you open the window and you scream. No, she was like, it's a good throat I'm doing like Lot more likely than if she's miles away that she can see your rear view mirror. I was just like, fuck.

My favorite is flipping off a lorry, like out the window. Ever done that on the M1? The windows, the window one's great. Yeah. That's a power move there. Oh, and then Louis would never see that, eh? Yeah.

Unless he's on the roof. The best. What I've been doing is, I've said this said this before, is don't let them see. Don't look at them when you do it, because they can't win then. Yeah, the Bobby for me now. If you're driving, I like the dickhead one. Drive past one of these. What's this one?

Dickhead? No, it's not. What do you think it is? This is dickhead. Yeah, so I do drive past it with nothing. That's wanking off a dickhead. This would be dickhead. No, that's unicorn.

Unicorn. Do you want me to drive past someone who's pissed me off going? They're like, oh, he's fucking bumbly there. Waking up ahead. Because that means cock. That doesn't mean cock. That means unicorn. This means cock.

Drive him past it. No hands on the wheel. Oh fuck. It's a minute. Oh, I know where we're aggressive in the car. Like I didn't get to the car journey in five years. I'll be from your no matter how far the distance. Right. I did. Just as I get in just one more make sure it's still there. Do you know what I mean? I am so angry in the car. I hate myself. I know that's my way. Very lovely on the way here. Passengers, a toner down. No, he had a word to that lady and you were really nice about it. So we went to the petty station and he pulled up into the thingy and there was a lady who was blocking the entrance and Carl just go out. I was like,

is that yours? And she was like, yeah, he's like, you just block an entrance. And there was a lady who was blocking the entrance and Kyle just go out and was like, is that yours? And she was like, yeah. He's like, you just blocking the entrance and she goes, Oh, okay. Like this. He goes, well, make someone else angry then. Yeah. He was really nice about it. Yeah. He was walking anywhere. I was like, Oh, I actually respect and what not as she is. She's just parking the entrance. No one could get in and she went into the shop. It was impressive. And you just, that was just the end of the conversation for you? No, because I was putting hair in me eyes and I went, no, I was already in.

I was talking hair out of ears. No, it didn't affect me. I went, you're going to piss someone off? Then she was like, I just wandered in. I was like, fuck. Okay. Respect.

Oh, it didn't affect you. No, I was already in the car. Oh, no, come on, Adam. I just drove didn't affect you. No, I was already in the garage. Oh, come on No, I was already in the garage and she just didn't give a flying fuck she just to the entrance to a garage Yeah, just stop sideways there. I Bothered it. Oh I Stopped all right. It was if I was trying to get into that garage though, she would not have a car

anymore. Yeah, totally. Why is it called a garage? You can't, you don't, it's like, you know, when you go to a garage at your house is where you park your car. Right. Yeah. So why is it a service station or a service? Why would you call it a garage if the car doesn't get parked in and locked up? I think the garage has got a shop. Maybe wait because you also call a mechanics a garage. Yeah, which makes sense because the cars inside the garage is getting looked at might be there overnight. Oh, don't know. Five weeks go the garage and the music and the music and the music garage music. Garage music. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's normally indoors locked up. Hey, I know we I don't know why we call it

I think you had a list of the garage at those. Yeah, but I also say It's at a festival. They're like no Yeah, well the English language as I seen a meme about recently is essentially three languages We're in a trans co pretending to be one isn't it? Yeah, I mean, it's just a big bastard eyes thing And it's even worse like English, English, like British English rather than American English because we really don't like that. We do have things that we have like a way that is like seven different things like garage where does it America they go. Oh, that's confusing. That's just that's a gas station.

Yeah. It's French. It means to shelter garage. Yeah, but you don't shelter your car at the petrol station. Yeah, but I guess that's where it's kind of come from. And I feel like you're sheltered when you're listening to garage music. No one's listening to garage music in a field. I thought they made it like at home. Oh, that makes more sense. I might be wrong. You listen to field music. But yeah, I was going to say that I think the Scouse language and the car, I was similar languages because he said petty. Yeah. I was like, I thought we'd say, yeah, yeah. Getting some petrol and heaps of places in Adelaide are just Scouse towns or suburbs. I grew up in Sefton Park. Do you know what I mean?

It's weird. I think it's just that's maybe where I just secretly Scouse or something. Like what would you call like a chewing gum? Chewing? A chewy? Yeah. Yeah. What do we call it? What do we call it? It's called getting sucked off. Huh? A gobby.

That's what we call a chewy. A gobby? A gobby. It's in the gob. It just makes sense. I understand the derivation. Oh. That's more appropriate than blowy.

Yeah, blowy doesn't make sense. You're not going, oh, that's weird. It's a whistle. Blow job, isn't it? the derivation. Oh, that's, that's more appropriate than blowy. It blowy doesn't make sense. You're not going to. Oh, that's weird. It's like when you blow to a bottle, if you blow into the p-hole, what would you call a lady of the night? Like a sex worker on the streets, prostitute, Karen, not a name. Oh no, I know. I knew Karen. What? What would you call a prostitute?

A prostitute? I'm pretending he's never had to think about this before. What's that? If I was ever in that situation. A woman. A paper sec. I don't know. Never thought about this.

Karen? No, that was a specific one. Sorry. Oh, never thought about this. Karen, no, that was a specific one. Sorry. That's your favorite. You would say prozzie. Prozzie, I reckon. Yeah. What do you say? Brass. Brass.

Wait, brass? Brass, yeah. Like the metal. Really? Yeah. How do you say that word again? Brass. Oh, that's so funny. That sounds cool. We say brass, but you say? And it's funny because like a, a, a brothel we'd call the brass house.

Oh, that's great. That's where they live. And what we call that Sunday. And what we call sex is goosing. Like if you're having sex with your missus, you goosing your missus. Oh no, we don't say goosing for that. What do you say? Goosen. So like if, like if you

put a hand up a skirt, that's a Goosen. Yeah. It's Emu. It's that's what you call Emu. Yeah. Like Rod Hall. We call it Don't Do It. You're not allowed. I think you meant Consensually Car. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The only reason I mention all of that is there's a on Broad Street in Birmingham. You know, the comedy clubs used to be. Yeah. Uh, there's a play, a pub called the brass house and it says a goose pub as like it's sub high line. I Google the brass house Broad Street, Birmingham. It's the brass house. A goose pub is really, I don't know what a goose pub is. I think they sell goose or goose beer. There's goose beer. Hey

Yeah, isn't there geese there? Yeah. Yeah, that's kind of like it's a green king. I mean green kings. Oh, that's the broody Yeah, yeah, get it. Is it called goose and gone under the skirt because you give him like the arse a honking No, I think it's cuz you look like a goose's head going under the skirt because you're giving like the arse a honking. No, I think it's because you look like a goose's head. Because you're giving the arse a honking. That makes sense. No, it doesn't. Ha ha.

You just said that. Oh yeah, because geese is honk. Hey, that's very clever. You need to go for the pipe, you see. Tom, you asked me earlier a question that only I can answer. You asked me how it feels to be like a married man because you all also I'm not legally married yet. So I don't think if it does feel different, I wouldn't yet. But it feels the same than exactly the same. I think that's a compliment. You lost any respect for her? I mean that's, you've got them locked in. No, it's, it's, it's, it's getting used to saying the thing that's different is getting used to saying wife.

Cool. I want to, it's cool. So I've got a new neighbor. Um, and he went, Oh, it's just you lives here, mate. I went, no, maybe my wife. And I was like, yeah. Yeah. You feel like, yeah.

I was like, Oh, that felt nice. It's weird because like in my head, you've got a wife. Like you're a 14 year old knobhead. Yeah. I can be married. Why don't I feel like that too? Adam's going to feel different. As soon as it gets signed on paper, he'll be like, Oh, he's married now. No, no. He's looking at me as if he's not a husband. Is he looking at his stupid head? It does feel mad. When I think people see it, look at me, they go, what? What are you wearing there? I've, cause I mean, I'm very immature because this is my job. So it exacerbated, but I was immature anyway. And then also the fact that you're in your age,

you're a certain age, I'm old enough to be a husband. Yeah, but you got to remember if you're saying that I am one and you're not on the way in, we got out of the car and I fucking I got out. I don't even know how I did it. I threw you through my croissant and it went round my neck and onto the floor and he was like, I'm not going to be able to do that.

I'm not going to be able to do that. I did it I threw you through my croissant and it went round my neck and onto the floor and he was like pick up and eat it which is that's a husband thing to say no no it's not no no a husband they got that is dirty down it go don't eat that cuz I'm the husband I'll saying you'd be caring. I'm a knobbit. He'd be like, no, you'll get cholera. You're more of a husband than me because I'm in my head, but you're not really a husband either. We're like modern husbands with idiots. Yeah. Dan looks like he's always been exactly as old as he is now. He's always been money. If Dan wasn't money, it'd blow my mind.

I mean, I did ask you if I would die if I ate that croissant. I just say, well, like this pan no choc killed me. It's been on the floor. And you went, no, and then I ate it. Yeah, it's fine. That is the, you know, the rhetoric of a knobhead though. You reckon that's a good way to give your kids immunity, isn't it?

Just like let them eat stuff off the floor. Lick the carpark. Go for it. eat stuff off the floor. Lick the car park, go for it. Eat that off the floor. Like genuinely. No swearing, Louie, but lick the floor. But like apparently a lot of parents, now the reason kids get a lot sicker is because parents are overprotective of their children.

So they're like, don't, oh, you've dropped your lollipop in dog shit, don't eat that. But like years ago, they did- No, that's still right. That's still right. Years ago, they'd have just like fucking give that a fucking brush down and on the ass.

It's a flight. I'll never forget the sausage, your sausage. What sausage? The lobster, not the lobster pot. The one by the old. Filling station. Yeah, do you remember that? No.

We got like a sausage, a sausage dinner. So it's a sausage with gravy on it. So it's, you know, it's sticky and we were drunk and he dropped it on the floor of a, and he just picked it up and just ate it. Like it was- What was this? Yeah, but that's how I was raised.

Years ago. And that's why I've got such good natural immunity. I had nothing but respect for you. Nobody in the Western world would have eaten it. He went, fuck that and just ate it. It'd been on the floor for like 15 minutes. Like it didn't even have been his. It wasn't mine. No it was. I've got one. I'll just never forget it. It was, I was like that's sick. Walking through, this was a couple of years back, walking through, three in the morning, absolutely blasted with the venom, and he's dropped a piece of pizza on the floor,

and he just picked it up and ate it. And this is on, in the mall. It is fine, and as long as it doesn't drop into a substance, it is just the floor. If it drops into a puddle or onto a poo, that's my red line. A puddle or a poo? Yeah, a puddle or a poo, not for you.

That's what me mum used to say. On the floor, have some more. More. Yeah, but like kids are stupid now, aren't they? I was speaking to Zeneca, we were in Baccaro, there was our favorite restaurant, and there was two kids sitting there. Gorgeous restaurant, amazing food,

and obviously they're not old enough to understand, but just sitting on iPads. Oh, come on. Just like in 10, old enough to understand, but just sitting on iPads. Oh, come on. In 10, 15 years, them kids are gonna be ruined. Their heads are gonna be melted. Yeah, but at least they've got good sausages here. That's the one, that's what changed my life

when I moved out of here. Did you hear that? He just said. What do you think he just said? What do you think he just said? I was thinking about... I don't think you heard me, I think you paused. I was thinking about the sausages, because they are different here. And you said what you said and I was just like, yeah, but at least the kids have got

good sausages. Do you know what I'm saying? To be fair, Bacardi does have good good sausages. Do you know what I'm saying? Oh, why is this crazy? To be fair, Baccarat does have good sausages, but that's not what I'm saying. I've moved on from the food. On the iPad to it. I'm talking about the state of the, you know, the next generation of children who are going to have zero social skills, like generally zero social skills.

They've got good sausages. They've got good sausages. We didn't grow up with good sausages. They've got sausages. All these kids, Ed's going to turn to mush, but hey, they've always got the Richmans. We don't grow up with your... He's just over the bright side. And we've got sausages. All these kids, Ed's gonna turn to mush, but hey, we've always got the Richmans. We don't have pork. There's no pork sausages in Australia.

It's not a thing. It's a specialty. Oh. Is that true? Yes. It's all beef. Right, he's right now. We've got them back.

There's no pork sausages in Australia. Oh. It's all beef. Why? I don not butcher. But that doesn't need to be whenever that's typical for like Muslim countries. But I didn't think Australia was predominantly Muslim. Is it? No, it's not. Oh, but it's just beef is just part of our like it's just it. We've got a lot of cows and then the pigs it's just beef is just part of our like, it's just, it, we've got a lot of cows and then the pigs, it's especially almost if you get like a pork sausage from butcher, it's a small little tiny section. Do you know what I mean?

That's men's, if you have a snack, would you say snags by the way? What's a snag? Snag sausage. No. Okay. So that's not the same. I thought Scouse might have said that, but yeah, we have beef when I have pork. That's what I'm saying.

The kids here, at least they got fucking nice sausages, man. Yeah. But what I'm saying is, do you, at least they've got fucking nice sausages, man. Yeah. But what I'm saying is, do you let Louie use his iPad? Does he have an iPad? No. No. He's very young though. Yeah. He's 19 months and we're trying to, to be honest with you, he just wants to run around anyway. He fucking loves football.

Keep him going then. Yeah. Because in the future, he's going to be like one of the people who is going to excel because he's going to have some social skills. But genuinely, like it is terrifying now that and there's loads of our listeners. You've got young kids and stuff. Oh, I like every time we talk about parent and I say to them, Oh, I'm not going to let my kids have iPads.

He's like, yeah, we'll fucking say like, I know how bad I am with me, me screens and I didn't get them so I was in me fucking twenties. If I had like a screen with the entire world and all the information on it here, like from the, from infancy. Oh, Cartoon Network, I blow my mind. I've been like, oh, this is the best thing ever. Oh my God. If I had that whenever I wanted, I would have, I'd have been, I was so jealous of my mates who had Cartoon Network as a kid. Fuck. I wanted it so badly. But imagine having it in the palm of your hands. Not you, you ruined. Did you not have it because of the cold? No, I mean, there were shots. I wasn't allowed to watch The Simpsons because of the cold. No, no, from when I was a kid. I didn't have

it because Australia's version of Sky is Fox Tail with Cartoon Network. And my folks just were like, it's too expensive. We're not going to have that. My mum didn't pay for good Sky. I didn't have Nickelodeon. No, no, no, didn't have Nick Lodeon either. I had you, free viewing. Yeah, but I had Carsio Network because it was free. Oh no, I didn't have Carsio. Was it free? Well, I watched it and we didn't have Good Sky, so I'm gonna say.

No, Carsio Network came with very basic Sky. That's what I'm saying, I didn't have like the movies and the sports. Yeah, yeah, no, that was part of like the, because we had the same. I think we had one good year where my dad like got a really good contract for Little Woods. Remember the Little Woods in the pool? He painted down on his own. Like just in. The one by TJ's? No it was Church Street. It was where Primark is. Oh shit oh my gosh that's a long time ago.

He painted on his own. Genuinely it was him and his mate Ted. So that's not on his own? No but he got Ted in. So at the end he killed Ted. Did this on me, oh son. Ted was involved with the 7-7. No I know what he was, he wasn't involved. Involved means he was on the other side.

What other side? The bad side. No he didn't blow the buses up. Involved with? No he was on the bus that blew up. Three stops before it blew up. Yeah. Which is, do you know what people say? Oh my God, I was there last week. That is one of them when it's legitimately okay to say. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause if he stayed on, he's not here no more.

But yeah, my dad, my dad did the little woods thing and I think he got fucking, he got tilled for it. So we had a, we had sky sports and the movies for a bit. That is a flex. For a bit, like that was like, we were like, fucking telly from Bright House there, fucking you had to put a quid in the back to turn it on. The fucking movies, the sports. And like in my head, that telly was like as big as that wall, but it was probably about 32 inches in, tiny. Yeah, but we had Cartoon Network.

What was the big cartoon for you on Cartoon Network? Ed Edd and Eddie. Fuck yes. Ed Edd and Eddie. No, that was like a casual one for me. Which one? Ed Edd and Eddie. Don't know that one.

Dragon Ball Z. So what's Dragon Ball Z? I got banned from watching Dragon Ball Z because it used to be Sajakal. I love Pinky and the Brain. Yeah, but that was also on the Satie Mall. But Brian? No! That guy. Fuck yeah.

Oh, I get it now. Was that? We've all just got it. LAUGHTER I don't think you were the brain. LAUGHTER Um, you said you weren't allowed to watch The Simpsons because of the cult.

No, no, no. So just in case this is anyone's first time or like first time seeing one of your episodes, you grew up in a Christian cult. Well, I actually grew up in a really strict Baptist church when I was a kid. Yeah, that's when I was and then when I was a teenager, I chose to go on the call to rebel to rebel. Yeah, it felt like a cooler place to go.

But when I was a kid, it was very, very strict house and no Simpsons because the church that we went to was that's again why I left. You should have the funds. Say again. They love future Dharma. It's a it's a it's a rival to the Simpsons. Same studio as well. Is that? Yeah. Yeah. Now that we weren't allowed to watch what's going on. But I wasn't allowed to watch Simpsons because Bart was a bit naughty. Oh, I thought it'd be because they took the piss out of the church. No, it was just because it was like, oh, he's cheeky. And they talked back to Homer and all that sort of stuff.

How much strangles that boy though? Yeah, I don't know. You're not allowed to watch any films with villains in then? No, this is what's wild is it was like, you know how like, it's almost like on a ban list, the church was all that. They were very influential at this church was very, very strict church. This isn't a couple of the kids, the one was the kids, the kid. It was a, um, our kids don't watch the Simpsons and then the other parents would be like, Oh, well mine's not

watching the Simpsons then. And they'd all sort of copy each other. Do you know what I mean? I want to start a stupid one then. Yeah. Oh yeah, one of my friends wasn't allowed to watch Blinky Bill. You don't use cheesedaces as us. You use our arms. Oh, so do we. Yeah. And start silly ones. There was silly ones.

No, no, but they were all legitimately like, oh, like, teaching movies. What silly ones were there? Well, my mate wasn't allowed to watch Blinky Bill. What the fuck's Blinky Bill? It didn't look like Blinky Bill. Blinky Bill. What is it? Blinky bill. It was like the British version of the bill. But like the telly just went on and off throughout it. So you got bits of the story. He looks like a bad man to be fair. It looks like the most innocent thing.

It's a little koala who has a kangaroo friend. He's got a couple of mates, they're all Aussie animals. It's a tiny little koala. And my friends or I say friend, he was just a kid at the church. His mum was like, oh, no, Blinky is too cheeky. And so I was talking about is just a koala having a great time. Is that what you said? You know, the fuck you're on about? Come on, I'm having a great time. Was there any other ones? Because they're all teacher moments aren't they?

I mean, was there any silly ones that you can't? Well, do you know what the one is now that people don't like their kids watching? They don't like kids watching Peppa Pig. Yeah, because she's a sassy lady. Do you know an episode of Peppa Pig was banned in Australia? Is it the one where she tells her mom to fuck off? No. It's the one when she becomes friends with

the spider and says it's okay to like hug spiders and they banned it because they were scared that Aussie kids were going to start playing with dangerous spiders. That's fair. That's fair. That's fair, right? Yeah. Yeah. But then also like loads of people don't, Peppa Pig's a bit of a, she's a bit of a cunt. She's just a pig. What did you do this for then? He said he told his mum to fuck off. Oh, right. Okay. Peppa Pig was in the news this week because she's gone private to give birth.

Oh, her mum was. Oh, her mum. Yeah, she's a child. That would be a different storyline. Yeah, it was like in the news. Got a new sister. Well, that was like in Round the Twist. Did you ever watch that?

Great show. Yeah, that was wild. Have you ever? Do you not think it it's he gave birth through his mouth. We've brushed past the fact that the news is reporting on Peppa Pig storylines. Yeah. It's not a bit fucking mental to everyone in this room because she's all just gone. Yeah. She's pretty massive. Is the world's a bit of a dark place right now. Why not give us some like lighthearted shit? I mean, Mummy Pig announced that she was pregnant on Good Morning Britain. Are you serious? Yeah. The problem I've got with it is it wasn't like a lighthearted article like Peppa Pig's gonna have a baby. It was Peppa Pig goes private. The Tory bitch. Oh, was it? Yeah. Yeah. Like it was seen as like,

oh, fucking not good enough. The NHS not good enough for you, is it? Pepperpig's mine, you big porky slag. Like it wasn't like an uplifting fluff piece. It was like, what does this say about the state of the NHS when even cartoon pigs are having to pay to get birth? Like it was adding to the bin fire that we're calling the planet. Oh, wow.

But also I know why Pepperpig's a bit of a cunt. Why? Who was said before, she's not allowed to have pork sausages is she? Why? Caramelism? Yeah she can't eat her own and she's grumpy because that's why kids are happy. As I said they're fucking great. It all comes back to sausages. It always comes back to sausages. By the way I'm going to do a screech yeah. Did the update? Oh is it the kid could eat? Yeah I don't know. Did you just talk about this? No. What? So. He did the update. Did you talk about this? No. What? So he did the update. He did three things. They get worse. I don't know what to order to do them in, but I know what's first. I'm worsening. So kid could, he was like an op for Diddy. Didn't like him. So he did shit to, you know, the

first thing he did. What other dude do this? I think the funny one leaves us. Okay. Yeah. The first one he did was sexually assault his dog. Kid Cudi fucked P Diddy's dog. No, no. P Diddy fucked Kid Cudi's dog. Right. What the fuck? Yeah. Fucked his dog. Actually? Yeah. Fuck Peter these dog. No, no, I'm a kid Cody's dog. Right. What the fuck? Yeah fuck this dog Actually, yeah Fuck what's dog the fuck? Did he I missed that bit? Yeah, then he blew his car up and I

car I mean, he probably did. There's your rapper. They're all in you. I just want to say he didn't fuck the dog. He mess with the dog. I think that's just a nice way of saying he fucked. I think he like booted it about what's worse. Maybe gave him one of these. Right. And then the last one, what's worse. Fucking I don't know. Because then the dog might come. Oh, come full of shit. You asked what's worse? Surely the dog might come both ways? That, yeah, but I'm more likely to come if I get fucked than if I get beaten up. get fucked if I get beaten up. The last one is he broke into his house and opened all his Christmas presents. Which might be one of the best things you could ever do to someone

you hate. Broken into his house and opened all his Christmas. Did he take any of them? I don't know. He just unwrapped them. He's a grinch. He's a bad dude. Done some abhorrent things. We'll go to jail forever. That's quite funny in it. Why would you open the presents? That's wild. Like his kids have got Christmas ruins ruined Christmas whenever in the house. Oh, he's a family. Yeah, I thought he's got any. I thought I was confused. I thought he wrapped his own presence, obviously put him on the tree

and then he opens up, but he knows what they are. No, as in like the family gifts like he's unwrapped Fido's car. And blew it up. He's got an Audi now. Yeah, did he was got an Audi now. Yeah, did he? He was an old man, to put it lightly. But yeah, I think that was just... That's objectively quite funny, isn't it?

Yeah. So what you're saying, Carl, the sexual assaults... Awful. The violence... Horrendous. All against that. Oh, I couldn't be more against it. But unwrapping people's Christmas presents as an act of vengeance.

Objectively funny. Right. It's funny, innit? Yeah. Yeah. Everything else though. You know, throw away the key. Bury him under the jail. I'd be more pissed off because it takes so long.

Just let him out on Christmas Eve every year to go and... If you're not careful, Diddy's going to come round. That is a good threat. He's an horrible guy. And open your presents. Yeah, and open your presents. Yeah, it's her. You'd be upset if like, P Diddy broke into your house and opened all of your presents.

Yeah, because they take fucking ages to wrap man. I don't think that's the issue. I don't think, because he came down and I was like I've got to rewrap them. There's something in that, a rapper and rapping, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, there you go. An Ikea joke for you. Build that yourself.

I've done enough rapping today, there'll be more. Yeah, yeah. There you go. And I did a joke for you. Build that yourself. I've done enough rapping today. That'll be more. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There you go. I would be, yeah, that would be very upsetting because also like how did he get in? But then it opened all the presents. I've taken Asia's rap and German. Another kid. That's so annoying. Tom, Tom, I think the point is that the kid would then have come down in the morning and seen what he was getting for Christmas.

Is that Kid Cudi or Kid Cudi's kid? Do you call Kid Cudi the Kid? No, but Louis can't get out of his cot yet, so I'd go down first. I'd see it. But Soph would have seen hers and you'd have seen hers from you. Oh yeah, that's true. You've ruined Christmas morning. It's great.

Fuck. I hate this guy. Don't with our wash me under. Did he know? Honorable man. Go away forever. Yeah. Right. Have a break and see if we can fix the gas leak or make it worse, you know? Big red button please. Hello everyone, it's Dan and Carl from the Have A Word podcast. You know the thing you're watching and listening to. It's time for us to talk about Huell. Huell, my favourite of all of these and it's the black edition. It doesn't get better than this. The ice latte I think is the best as well. I'm a strawberry and

banana man. Also it's not really about that I mean they all taste good we know that it's about the amount of protein you get and you know it's all about protein now low carbs low sugar high protein. Quiz. Go on. What's the protein in a bottle of Huel? In the black edition? Yep. In this one? This one. 35 grams.

It is 35 grams. How many vitamins and minerals? 26. 26. Good. And is it high or low in sugar? It's... No, no, no.

Low. It's low in sugar. I'm very affordable. Really nice, balanced meal. I've been going to the gym. I'm on the move. I'm a busy woman. This is great. It I'm on the move. I'm a busy woman. This is great.

It's also on the shelf. Because I eat chips too much. It's on the shelves of all the shops you go to. You wander into, let's say, Tesco. It's on the shelf. You wander into another supermarket, Saint-Pierce, it's on the shelf. Hobbycraft, not so much, but there's a Tesco nearby.

Yeah, if you wander into a shop, you'll see Huel. You know it's good because we're telling you. And it's good for you. You get drinking? That's ten pounds off for new customers using our exclusive code HAVAWORDPOD at Huell.com Please see our description for the terms and conditions. Unlock a healthy, easy way to eat with Huell so you can focus on what really matters. And you can focus with ten pound in your pocket nice

Welcome back to part two I'm really struggling to stay awake today. I need more coffee Yeah, cuz you've got your fucking keys to the Ken didn't you? I've never been this tired in my entire life What time did you get up? Oh, I couldn't tell What time did I get up today? Yeah Alarm went off at half seven. Is that why you're tired? Or you mean you went to bed late? I went to bed for most people normal time,

for me relatively early, it was about 11 o'clock. Yeah, that is early. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yesterday was a four, 16 hour day of moving. Wow. I had some, like a move in van help us get like a lot of furniture over. But after a few hours realized,

sitting stuff had to go back to my old flat for now. Oh, is that what happened? Yeah. We just made a couple of mistakes. And then a lot of stuff I'd got put in the wrong room. So I had to move stuff. So I was, yeah, doing stuff until very, very, very, very late and just absolutely done it,

especially with like a big weekend of boozing for various reasons. And we've got another one coming up this weekend, all like squashed in and I just, like I looked at myself in the middle this morning and I was like, you look fucked, like even cause this is longer and I haven't had time to get it cut

and I didn't want to get it done in a bit. Oh my God, it's so exhausting. It will be worth it. It's always worth it. But, ugh. Question, you know when you got a rental, you make it your own, but it's not yours. Well, I've never rented.

Yeah, all right. I mean, that's why, You make it your own, but it's not yours. Well, I've never rented. Yeah. Oh, well fair enough. I mean, that's why, cause Adam's lived in fucking five hours as now. But I said to him, it feels different when it's yours. And he agreed. This is what I was gonna ask. Is there something now that you're building

and making this your own place and you own it, is there something you're gonna put in this house that you couldn't put in a rental? You're like, fuck yeah, I've wanted that forever. Do you know what I mean? Like a fucking aquarium. Even what? Like an aquarium or something. I'd be sick on a sex wing. Yeah. Or a what? A sex wing. Like a sex wing. Like that's the sex wing that go down there. Better. It's a wing of that little bar that you could never

have done before. Yeah. I mean, you can, you can do whatever you want to a rental. It's just when you leave, the landlord will often be like, you've got to put it back the way it was. Yeah. And even if you improve it, even if it looks better, a lot of people just like, who rent places out a lot of landlords just want really neutral white or cream on every wall. And yeah, so that it's just just, there's no personality in it because then no one can come and view it

and be like, this doesn't match my personality because they just have it plain. But like these like bricks, I'm getting quite a lot of those put on certain walls in the house, not this color, but like the brick tiles to make it look like a bit industrial and stuff. I would never have done that in a rental because it's quite expensive to do that.

Cause you pay per tile essentially. What the fuck? Yeah. They're not bricks, that's essentially wallpaper. No, it's not, they're tiles. No, but I mean like, it's not like, that's not the bare brick, there's bare brick. I've never seen wallpaper put on that's like fucking 3D.

It goes on in like big squares, like blocks of it. No, it doesn't. Every single brick is a tile. Oh, I thought it went in like big blocks of it. No, no, it is real. It's just not that that's not the that is a piece of brick, but it's not the brick of the wall. Have you got me?

How do they? They said, look, Tom, they built the wall with bricks. Yep. They've put plaster over that. Yep. And painted it to make it look like an interior wall. And then on top of that plaster, we've put tiles. Yeah. But what I'm saying is how do you get the, that tall to stick the adhesive? You can see it, the gray stuff in between all the things. And again, no. How is it not? No. So every single brick is put on with adhesive behind it, like brick adhesive. And then they leave the gaps in between every brick and then that is filled in like grout and a bath. Like that wall used to look like that wall. Yeah, that's sick.

Yeah, it took a while. So there's quite a bit of that getting done. And I would never have done that in a rental. Even though I really love like brick effect, it's just not worth it because it's expensive. Like I've got a backyard, I'm gonna get like some deck and put in and some tables and chairs,

just to have a coffee in the morning. And Carl was worried because the deck is going to be quite high. Carl was like, people are going to be looking into you and they'll be able to see you having a coffee. Like, yeah, it doesn't bother me at all. No, but just because your walls high, but then you build them up to it. But you know, extending the wall in my head, you're just going to be able to like going

to see it add over the wall. See, when I was a kid, I always wanted to have a giraffe in my house. We all did. I did though, because there was a book called a zoo in my house. And I actually actually generally through story, I wrote to Adelaide Zoo and asked if I could have a giraffe in my house. And they wrote back and said, and they said, we can't let you have them. They all love the Simpsons and they were told it's

Oh, if Thomas is having a giraffe, my child's having a giraffe. Yeah, that would have been around the cult and then they'd have all those giraffes. Oh, can you imagine that'd be wild. But yeah, no, they wrote back and they were like, no, you can't have a giraffe. But here's a picture of the baby giraffe that's just been born. So I got all these brand new photos of like a calf, a calf, a giraffe but here's a picture of the baby giraffe that's just been born so I got all these brand new photos of like a calf a calf a calf yeah so yeah um but I really wanted to as a kid that's what you think you think oh fuck I have like a fucking zoo in my house that'd be the best thing ever like you can't do that in a rental or a purchase yeah can I ask you a question yeah why

have you brought this up what were we talking about that made you... I was thinking about... That you can't put a zoo in a rental. Yeah, I was thinking about when as an adult, what were the things that you'd want to, you know, how you get excited about like fucking wallpaper, different stuff. It's like you mature and you get excited about fucking new sofa or whatever, you know what I mean? But as a kid, I was like, what do I want as a kid? Giraffe. That's why my mind went. And I thought I wouldn't want one now.

It's not practical. And where the fuck would the head go? But. Do you have a garden? No, I've got a little patio where I am. She definitely couldn't have a giraffe. No, I don't. But folks could have a giraffe on their place

where I grew up. Absolutely. There's a bit of a yard there. But. A bit of a yard. But I wanted, you know, do you, do you see what. Do you, do you see when I was a kid, I had a little a cupboard in my bedroom and I asked me, mom, could I turn it into a little monkey gaff and get a monkey? And she said no. We did look into it for me. I think I wanted an eight, but like, yeah, I really wanted the monkey. I'm like one year we did seriously consider it. Yeah. There was always a family in the area that had a

monkey always the test going Daisy. There was always a monkey in there. Like a little computer on a white one. There's a monkey in Tesco's? As in like the people who live near, they take their monkey to Tesco and you don't. Shut the fuck up. In Daisy, yeah. Like you know what a Capuchin monkey is? Yeah. Like a little, yeah, it was a pet and it'd sit on the shoulder and go to Tesco.

I never wanted a monkey after watching that episode of Malcolm in the middle. Do you remember that episode? Never watched it. Have you never watched it? I only watched it after the Simpsons. But he, the one of the characters gets, um, Craig, he gets a monkey to come and do his, he was lazy as all the monkey would do it for me. House would great train the monkey up.

Then the monkey starts hiding behind doors with a knife and stuff. And I was like, fuck that. This documentary is terrifying me. Have we got any questions, Harry? We do. This one from Oliver. Question, if you take your suitcase off the belt at the airport, take it home, open it and you realize you've taken the wrong bag home and there's a hundred thousand pounds

in cash in it. What do you do? Get a giraffe. I know this is not really in the spirit of the question, but you'd have to take it back because they would know. Would you not skim off the top a little bit though? Yeah. You'd take like two grand.

Would you though? Cause in your head, whose bag is that? Who's carrying undergrounding cash? Cause I think they know how much is in it. It's naughty money. Isn't it? Like, you know, you're going to get into trouble if you, if someone, like I'm not worried.

Where would you take it? Where would you take it? Like, would you take it back to the airport? And go, I've just found this money. Cause then they're not getting the money anyway. They're bad guys. And then they're pissed off at you for grassing. I think maybe I'd put on,

oh yeah, I suppose. Like if it is bad guys, money and then it's gone. They're like the basis of what that gone. The only thing that stops a bad guy with the money is a good guy with the money. Yeah. Oh, there's no worries about the bad guys. I think it's all right. It's a good guy. I don't know how much is in there. Is there no worries though? Like if they, if they're that kind of person that they think they could have got away with that and they're going to be able to get access to the CCC via the airport and then hunt me down? Oh yeah. I mean, how powerful are they?

What if you gave the money back and kept the suitcase? It was a really nice suitcase. Plastic bags. Got stickers all over it. If it was only K I'd take like five grand and then be like, I don't know that. This is why I found it. I'll do that. I want to do this for not a decade. I think I'd put it on like Instagram and Twitter and like some posters up and be like, hey, I've took the wrong bag home from the airport.

If you've got my bag, send me a picture of it. I need proof of life before we swap back, but I want my bag back and then we can talk. And then when they get in touch, be like, yeah, so what was in your bag and get them to say it and go and how much is in it. And then if they go, you know, if they're playing the game, they might go, there was 75 gram wasn't that as in like here's a little dropsy for you. That's good. That's what you'd want. This is a nice, if they go no underground. And I go, I think you're thinking there was more like 60 wasn't that? Oh, you're going deeper. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I want it. I want to take 25. So I'm trying to pass with them. They go, no, there was at least 75 minutes. I'd be like, good boy.

Now you're the criminal. You're the bad guy. Actually, I want to keep on. And then they go, fuck, he's good. And then they go, can you work for us? And I go, two mill a year. Yeah. And they go, here you go. And then you become a bad guy.

Yeah. And then you leave your hundred grand in the airport and the cycle continues. No. That was never their intention. They haven't intent that. We need to leave this as base and hope we get some master criminals who find it. I think it could be a good way to do it. So much money. I mean, it's not, I think it's enough that you could, you know,

do something very life changing with it on a small level. But then I don't know, what would you do? I think I'd take like 20 grand and then lash the bag. Here's a question. So you're in this situation and you speak to someone and they're like, yeah, I've got your bag. You can have it back. This is part of a game show. You've got it under grand.

It's yours and you can keep everything you buy with it, but you've only got a week to spend it. Easy. You've got a week to spend it. You've got to spend every penny of it. And you can't like, if you don't spend all of it, you lose all the stuff you've bought with it. And you can't just like buy something

more than it's worth. And you can't like give the money away and you can't like say to a cleaner or give you 20 grand an hour to clean the house just to get rid of the last bit. You've got to get value for what you use the money for. So what do you spend on 100 grand on? 100 grand is where the watches.

Okay. Is it all cash? Yeah. Yeah, it's gotta be cash. You'll find someone's debit card. Didn't they say a couple of weeks ago you can't buy a car with cash? Yeah. Yeah. So let's know if you, if you go to a dealership, it's not like, you know, go a lot, he'd work it out for you. Basebook market place. You can do cash. Yeah.

Oh, what's a hundred grand on Facebook marketplace. You buy a house on Facebook marketplace. You can, you know, can you? Yeah. I'm on marketplace pretty permanently at the minutes. We knew addiction and people list hours on there. Mental. It is fucking weird. I'm on marketplace pretty permanently at the minutes. We knew addiction and people list ours on there. It is fucking weird. I think a house is quite hard to buy though and it was illegal money. You wouldn't get it going to in a week unless you bought like a really run down house for underground. Would you buy like a fucking wild holiday? Right. It's a bit of a waste though. So, but then at the end of it, you'd have no things, wouldn't you? If you spent it all on a holiday or you want to be kept, I thought you were trying to burn the cash. Yeah. But like you want things like you can have, would you put a bet on? Oh, cause you, you are free

money. Get a Vegas. You would have you live it up for a weekend. You've got to get rid of it. So like if you win the money now, you've got more to get rid of. But you have got rid of it or the bets after the after the. Being laundered on it, essentially. Yeah, that's how they do it. They launder money playing poker. I've watched the Ozarks. Like Bayern Munich to win the next Bundesliga underground.

Bosch. I think. No. Can't bet it. OK. Do you know what I would have done with this guy, by the way? I think no, can't bet it. Okay. I would have done with this guy, by the way, I would have taken the hundred grand suitcase and I would have told him, he's like, have you got my suitcase? I'm like, yeah, I have. But you've to get your suitcase back. You've got to enter as a contestant on deal or no deal.

And your suitcase is in there amongst all the suitcases and he has to go in there. And he has to pick a suitcase out of all the suitcases and he has to go in there and he has to pick a suitcase out of all the suitcases to win his money back. How good would that be? There's a few problems with it. First of all, that show is long been discontinued. Second of all, I don't think you've got the connections to make that happen. And third of all, I don't think you're going to be able to find 22 suitcases that matches one where he won't walk in and be like that one's mine. Also the roll of red boxes. It's the black one. So he's probably a man with a gun

and go, give me the money. You know, now go and enter as a contestant. You might even get chosen. No, I haven't got your money anymore. No, Ledman's has it now. I would say, no, okay. I would use the hundred grand to build the set of Deal or No Deal on the host. And I said, you can win back whatever's left. We've made this for you. He's a criminal. You blow your head off. Like he's going to come over and be like, thank you, Tom. Thanks for that. It was being recorded.

He's not going to shoot me on camera. What am I going to use it for? My mum wants to do Patsy at home and I want to take my dad to the biarrmas. Number 11, please. Oh, fuck. No, he's not going to me on camera I'm gonna use it for me mum wants to do patio and I want to take me down to the beyond number 11 please oh no he's not gonna shoot you on telly but he's not going to play the game I think you scam off the top and lash the bag skew off the top unless I think you take 20 grand and then you put the bike back on another conveyor belt no you get home yeah take it home fuck that could be It could be tricycle. Get it home. Who gets the bag off the conveyor belt and goes, just going to zip this open and triple check it's

mine. Leave it on like a train then. I'd take some even unattended package on a train. How heavy would that suitcase be? Why money is quite heavy isn't it? Yeah, it's heavier than you think. What did you? Yeah. So like it on all these, not a good option because you'd be overweight. Cause you know, your money, more money than you've got in the bag. Yeah. So the whole things are fast then because your bag might not weigh as much as the money. So you should have known straight away that it's not your bag. That happened to me coming over from Italy. Did I tell you the story? No, we got there. A hundred grand. And our bags were both insanely overweight because we'd been given gifts at the wedding

and we could make a bottle of wine by the venue. So our bags were both massively overweight. And we knew it, I was like, it's fine, we'll just pay the fine, it's whatever. And the woman went, oh my God, I've never, this is too much. This is too much weight. I was like, no, whatever it is, I'll just pay,

I understand, I know to get the stuff home. She went, it's 50 pounds a kilo. And we were both like well over. And I went, 50 pounds a kilo? She went, yeah. And I was like, what the fuck? Is there any suitcase shops in the airport? And she went, yeah. I was like, right, I'll just go and buy a suitcase then. It's ridiculous. Went and bought a suitcase for 150 euros, like empty that and put it in. Came back and she went, what did you do? I bought a suitcase for 150 euros, like empty that and put it in, came back and she went, um, what did you do? I bought a suitcase 150. She went, Oh, it'd have been less to put your cases on for that. I went, no, it was 50. She went 15. And I went, no, I can say that you said 15. You said yet. And she went, no, 15. Oh, fuck off. Yeah. And I looked at me and I was like,

she's either done it to piss me off or I was like, you fucking knobbed. She said, no, no, I said 15. But I can say she said 50 because I was like, what 50 really was your new suitcase. The last one. Yeah. I got a nice suitcase. That's like, okay. Yeah. But also how much were you over? So we worked out if it was 15, it would have cost us 150 euros. Oh, but I said, all I've done there is pay the same and got it a suitcase. Yeah.

So I've gained. Yeah, you have, yeah. Do you have to buy another bag? You have to buy a suitcase? Yeah, I mean. No, did you have to add another bag onto it? Sorry, then I had to, so yeah, I ended up losing like 40 quid or something, I had to put another bag on.

I think you've won there. You got a 150 pound suitcase for 40 quid. Yeah, that's how I, but I was stressed, but that's how I told myself to calm myself down. Yeah. Yeah. No, you take that as a win. I mean, how much time did you lose going and getting the suitcase and doing that?

Loads. I liked the queue and we were sweating. Yeah, the stress was probably not worth it, but we just made the flight as well because of the time. Fucking hell. and we were sweating and yeah, it was the stress was probably not worth it, but, and we just made the flight as well because of the time. So yeah. What airport? Pisa. Pisa. One of the worst airports in the world. Is it? It's like a shopping center with an airport on the back. That's generous. Yeah. It's beautiful. Is it on a lane? Outside gorgeous. Doesn't look like an airport, but it doesn't function very well

as an airport on the inside. Nice focaccia though. Yeah, good bread. The airport security is basically just like one conveyor belt. On the walls it says focaccia flights not failings. This is a question from Jack. It's a would you rather, would you rather have to sneeze every 10 minutes for the rest of your life or have to manually breathe for the rest of your life? Manually breathe?

Manually breathe. Manually breathe. Oh, like a whale. What? Yeah, so did you know this? That this is what, because when I got high in Perth a couple of years ago, I freaked out, this whole thing freaked me out.

What did you go high on? Huh? Weed. Yes, smoked a bit of weed, first time ever. So I was out on a ship, like doing whale watching. And the marine biologist told us that whales have two sides to their brain. And so when they sleep, because she said, Oh, I can see that the white, the mother and its calf were sleeping. I was like, how can you tell? She goes, Oh, because the way that they're swimming

and stuff and the patterns. And I said, well, how do they sleep, sleep, swim. Yeah, so it's crazy. So they've got two, two sides of their brain. One side shuts down to sleep and the other side stays awake to tell it to breathe and come up for air and manually tell it to go up for air. Right. Isn to go up for air, right? Isn't that crazy? So I was like, that's fucking wild. I was like, that's information I'd never need to know again. And then I fucking went that night out and had some smoky smokes. And I was so high, I forgot. I thought I'd turn my switch off. And I was like, so scared.

I was like doing this go and then so had gone with a 24 hour Vietnamese restaurant, which is wild by the way. She went to get the menus came back and then she's like, what would you like to order? And I was like in my head going, all right, you fucking loving it before. But now you need to start, you know, wind your neck in a bit. I was like, you need to talk either don't talk too fast. It was like, talk normally. I looked at her. I was like, you need to talk either. Don't talk too fast. So I talk normally. I looked at her and I was like, are you having to remind yourself to have I taken a time to respond

and she goes, she goes, you've been staring and hyperventilating at me for five minutes. That happened to me. I switched my breathing off when I did it. I was having intermittent. I don't know whether it was 10 minutes or a second. I couldn't work out. I was like looking at you and then going, was that ages or not? And I don't think it was. Time dilation.

Yeah, that was my least favorite thing of the- Think it's all happy when we talk about being high. It's like, this is the thing I know. This is funny. I have to manually breathe and manually swallow when I'm hungover. What do you mean manually breathe? The swallowing I get. Like think about it. You have to sit breathe and manually swallow when I'm hungover. What do you mean manually breathe? The swallowing I get.

Like think about it. You have to sit there and think. I have to like sort of like think about how I'm breathing if I'm really, really, really hungover. Is it an anxiety thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like sometimes I'm just like, I'm not breathing enough. So I'll have to like override the automatic breathing

and do some cognitive breathing. Sometimes I'll do a deep breath and realize I haven't breathed enough for a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what I mean by that? Yeah. I go, I haven't been doing many, many breaths.

You never feel that? Yeah, it's like a wake up near. Yeah. Yeah. I've got to need it though. I'm going to say straight up because I was so anxious that night with the breathing. I actually recorded myself talking to myself to tell myself I was okay on my phone because I was like fucking freaking out about my breathing. A hundred percent of it the sneezing every 10 minutes. The sneezing is nice. It does get a bit much though. I don't have a question.

Manually telling yourself to breathe. What do you do when you're asleep? You're fucked. Freddy's nice. It does get a bit of much though. I don't have a question manually telling yourself to breathe. What are you doing? You're asleep. You're fucked. Freddy does it. Hey, question. Oh yes. Do you have that record? Oh yeah. Can you play it? Oh, well done. So are you high at this point or yeah. Yes. This is when so I so far gone to get, um, I'm okay. You're okay. I say when I was fucked, I had fit the top. He was okay. Yeah. By the way, the sneeze and one sort of is the right answer. Like neither of these are good. Neither of these are good. That's why it's a would you rather cause one of them was good.

Very easy thing. Manually breathing is fucking horrible. If you forget, you die. The sneezing thing is gonna be the most annoying life you can possibly imagine living. Yeah, drive. Like, close your eyes. You can also have a heart attack, can't you? What? If you sneeze, that's like a thing, isn't it?

If you sneeze, it's like a chance every time you sneeze that your heart might just explode. Oh, well, there's me, nothing about anything else in the rest of my life. Why would you do that? There we go, yeah. That hay fever I've been having recently just... Your heart might explode.

Give me seven. Oh, here we go. Go on, play it down the mic. Play the teacher. Just wowed out. To self. You are very high. Where at the point?

Actually, no, you're not. You're not. You're not really. There's gaps. That's really, ah. Ah, ah, arms for the process. Ah. Wait, wait, wait.

Ah. I think I am. Hi. This is me testing my breathing. Wow. Enjoy it. Are you in your public? That's in public. It's in the restaurant. So I'm sat there on my own just recording. So I've gone to get

the menus in and come back and then that's what you sat down. I was like, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. But apparently I was just going freaking out for five minutes. Have you done drugs since? No, I've not. But I want to do it again because I feel like I just turned into a golem. I just wanted out. Hey, do you know what I mean, Finn? It was my first time and what happened was is I'd had a couple of babies before and my mate, you know, Mickey D. Yeah. Yeah. Great. I was a comic and he was like, Hey, uh, would you like a smoke? And so it was like, yeah, fucking go for it. So I was like, yeah, right.. I was a comic and he was like, Hey, would you like a smoke? And so

it was like, yeah, fucking go for it. So I was like, yeah, right. So I had a talk and then I was like, Oh, I'm an idiot because Mickey and this other comic, Kirsty was like, Oh, yeah, I'm feeling fucked. And I was like, Oh, I don't feel anything. So I said, maybe I'm immune. Right? Such a stupid thing to say. But I was half cut and then Mickey where the controller left. You are wrong. That was so many first timers thought that's what Mickey said. He goes, he knew he goes, fuck, let's see how immune you are, mate. And gave me the whole thing. And I smoked the whole fucking joint with spliffwebber. He was not immune. And yeah, but it took ages to kick in. Is that, is that right? It didn't hit me straight

off. Smoking. Smoking is normally pretty quick. I mean an edible takes a while. How long is ages? So we went for a little wander through the Perth key and stuff and I feel like, I feel like maybe the, maybe the drink was wearing. And that's when I realized, do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, the drinking before is what's done you in there. Because I then really became aware of my esophagus. I couldn't even tell you where they are. You've only got one of them.

That's the bit where the food goes down and up. But I was just I remember feeling I could feel it and the whole cylinder part there I was like, oh yeah. And that's when I freaked out by my breathing. I turned it off. Yeah. You need to not smoke. My first time was very similar to that. Was it? I, because I didn't, I had loads of mates that smoked and I didn't smoke until I was like 18 for the first time. So I was like every, we were doing like a round robin of sharing this book. I was every other toke because they all wanted to get me high. And I was like, Oh no, I'm absolutely fine. Like I'm not even feeling it. And I was just like going to every second mom is you. Yeah. And then, and it was like purple shit from Afghanistan

because I had like mates that were like far too into like the stoner culture and we're walking back. We were at a house party. If anything, she does exaggerate walking back to this house party and a man mate asked me something. Is he doing like drug bragging? Is this bollocks? Purple shit from Afghanistan. It was like what there was two different blunts going around. One of them was gorilla glue. I don't know what the other one was, but it was like, it looked fucking mental. It looked like it had fungus on it. Right. And basically someone, and basically someone, my mate asked me a question and then as he asked me the question, like everything's right,

I couldn't speak words. So I went back to that was party and I was like sat on the couch and I was looking round at people, but then I was like, they're going to notice that I'm looking in an order here. So I started mixing up. And then I was like, I was like, I can't do like, what if someone speaks to me? So I went out to go, we went to a field to go do it. So I went to go hide in the bush for the rest of the house party. I was like, where off? And as I was walking up to the bush, all the lads came back down.

They were like, you're always like a good way. So I can went back to the house party and they were all like Harry's hit white. So I went up the stairs. I think I went up the stairs and all fours as well, which is not a good look and sat on the bed and didn't speak for two hours, but just looked at everyone. And I had, cause my mates are all dead good, got me up like a, like a circus kind of like high top man was like everyone comes to the party, come look at Harry he's fucked. And then eventually when I made it downstairs, I just got all of the pizza and rolled up and I was like, cause I didn't feel good, but I was like, you meant to have the munchies. So I

just started shoving pizza hole into my mouth in the hope that it would like make it better and it didn't. And then I didn't feel right for a couple of days. I had the after all that bleak, Harry. My question is, cause as much as I freaked out, then I had the best sleep of my life. I had the best nap of my life in between it. Yeah. Yeah. Unbelievable. I woke up the next day and was like, Oh my God, I feel like a new person.

Yeah. I woke up, I woke up and went back out together. By the way, if you haven't seen the first ever Amsterdam patron special, go and watch it. So patreon.com slash have a word pod. There's two Amsterdam specials. Find the first one. Me and Carl both did the same.

What was it like? That is still up until the end of the special, that was my favorite one. Cause the difference in reaction to the same drug from me and Carl is fantastic. I went in a bin and then went to bed and Adam went to a Chinese and lost his hands. You don't know what that means, go and watch it.

I couldn't, like, I thought I'd like found out like a key question to the universe. So like, I couldn't understand how my brain made my hands move. But like I found it, but the only way I can describe it is during the high, it felt like the most important thing in the world for me to try and figure out. I was like picking things up going, how can I do that? And I was asleep. There's a point where Carl turns to everyone in the special and goes

and looking him over there. He just looks so red and evil and Adam's like laughing to himself like staring at you. Cause he was sat next to me in purple and he was going laughing manically and he went, Oh, you're fucked you. And I went, Oh, I just went, yeah, apparently I ruined it for Carl, but I didn't know. I didn't know drug etiquette because I've never been a Potsman, you know? It's why it was mad how like the questions that seem so massive in the moment when you're high, like, cause when we went outside, so for the same cause we have cops on horse horseback. And she saw a cop on horseback because it was like a party area of Perth. And she goes, Oh, how do they, how do they arrest people?

And I said, I don't know how a horse arrests anyone. What do you call her? A cop on horseback. All right. Okay. What do you say? Busy on a nae nae. Do you say busy on a nae nae?

That is fucking awesome. See me whip. See me nae nae. Do you say busy on a nae nae? That is fucking awesome. See me whip. See me nae nae. What did I say to you? I was like, look at the things going on. I'm just, everything's like I can see everything. What was I saying? The best bit for me. Yeah. It was the car when we were walking. It was like a smart car. No, it was, it was a car where it was that small. He go, look at that. It was like a, yeah, a stupid tiny car. No, it was, it was a car where it was that small. And he go, look at that. It was like a stupid, tiny car. I could just kick that in the canal because previously we got, I'd love to kick that in the canal when we were sober. And then I remember that I could kick that in the canal. So after the, the coffee shop that we got high in, we walked to a Chinese restaurants on the way to the Chinese restaurants,

I freaked out a little bit because I had to manually move me right leg. So my left leg was normal, like on autopilot and the right one I had to like drag with it. And then when we got to the Chinese restaurants, I somehow got even higher. And you know, the fellow who goes around like the bus boy, like who collects all the dirty plates

at the Chinese restaurant. I was stood up and screaming, he's got the best job in the world. He doesn't have to pay for food. He just gets to take everyone's leftovers. I remember saying to him, I wanna go and watch the Amsterdam special now. I remember, I remember Bill going like,

our colors look great because Amsterdam is quite like beautiful. It's not on the canal. I was like, Oh, this looks low. I remember. Yeah. Your color was not great. You were the color of your jumper. I was like, great. I was and they're all fully enough. I was actually wearing this hoodie from camel skateboards. Um, but I remember thinking you'd call four for 4% off for so when you go to these cafes, you know, there's two different types the Chill type and the creative more, you know Do you get to choose like do you have like two different menus of like this is the chill type? This is the not chill type

You have you have a menu and you get to pick based on what you want And if you don't know you can ask the people in there and they will tell you. Okay. And fuck the thing of a stuff we shouldn't have had. Then I have a fuck with you. I was selfish. I was given the business card and told to get some weed and I picked some Cali stuff. It's stuff that you shouldn't have for your first time. No, I've said this. We've talked about this loads. You before we went was like, I'm not smoking. I was like, right, we'll have to figure that like actually smoke.

I was wrong. I'm not smoking. I was like, right, we'll have to figure that, like actually smoking. I was wrong. So we had to get like a vaporizer. So you heat the weed up and then you, you toke it. Which is a much more intense way of doing it for your first time. Yeah, the little, the little vibes. That was like a big, like there was a big balloon. It's called the volcano.

A fucking hell. I think we should take a break and we should go and show Thomas that bit of the Amsterdam special. Don't watch it. www.patreon.com slash have a web pod. Best of the game. And we'll be back after this break with Nick Hell.

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Doesn't trust himself. I do this all myself. If you like it, good, because I do it. If you don't, you're wrong. They're just up in everyone's game, aren't they? They're basically looking after men because it's something we don't do. So they're doing it for us, so get on them. What coach are they using when they're off them? Hang on, but it's Father's Day coming up, isn't it?

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I'm sweaty. I feel like I've caught a tan. Why are you sweaty? I've been moving house. I bought a house. Where are you sweating? That's my second question. Every crease, I would say, is where I'm sweating.

But I also, I've got, you know you've got like a million different things going on in your head and every single one of them is trying to talk to you at the same time. Oh ADHD. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have got ADHD. Yeah, I have.

Yeah, have you diagnosed? Yeah, at Christmas. No, I haven't been diagnosed but like. You don't need to. Just at Christmas. You don't need to, at Christmas, yeah. Like a gift. Yeah. But it like a gift yeah yeah yeah yeah have you been medicated for it yeah have you been is it good yeah well if you're interested well I got

diagnosed last year but I then got told to come back for appointment and then I just didn't didn't go didn't go back to the appointment for them to That's the problem. And then they give you forms to fill out and you're like, fuck off, my kryptonite. And maybe that's a thing. If you fill it in and give them a bath, they go, you don't need the medication. It's like when you get done on the trains and they say, well, if you fill in the form, you can get your money back and you go fuck off. It's 20 quid. I pay 20 quid to not have to fill up. Yeah, I'll pay you a million quid not to pay this 20 quid. I pay 20 quid to not have to fill up. Oh yeah, I'll pay you a million quid not to pay this 20 quid. Because I got diagnosed privately. And then when I went to the NHS, she was like, Oh, yeah, if you go onto this website and choose one of these things, then that's how you can get your medication via the NHS and for free. And I was like, wicked. And that was November last year. And the diagnosis, by the the way was last February. So we're now

May. That's it though isn't it? Cause you're face to face and you say absolutely I'll do that and then you leave and you go fuck that. My tent was fucking on. I was like yeah I'll do that. How do you get diagnosed? How do they? I went private. No but what do they do? How do they? He just asked me loads of questions. Well I got diagnosed with bipolar at the beginning

of last year and I went in and he just asked me loads of questions. Well, I got diagnosed with bipolar at the beginning of last year and I went in He just asked me loads of questions. This is material, but I mean I got asked loads of questions And then at the end of it, he said I could have prescribed you three drugs I said this is material, but he said this is three drugs. I'm gonna prescribe you three drugs So this was for your mood this we had a zoom call for an hour Psychiatrist right he said This, we had a Zoom call for an hour, right? The psychiatrist, right? He said, asked loads of questions for an hour. At the end of it, he said,

this one's for your mood, this one's for your energy, and this one's for your weight, right? And we hadn't mentioned my weight once. But... And it was a fucking Zoom call. Like, how fat was my head? Do you know what I mean? It's just like, that's all it is.

So, like, so then he said I got bipolar and I started, I've been like, I've had like mental health problems all my life and then he said I got bipolar. I started taking the bipolar meds and all of my depression went away and by the end of the year, I couldn't focus on anything. So I went back and he said, yeah, you've got ADHD as well. So I said, did you know that at the beginning of the year?

Did you just get two visits out of me? Surely they can't medicate both at the same time. Shouldn't you go to, wouldn't that be a law? I, they should med, they should, they should just say everything that's wrong with you, right? No, no, I'm saying if you fix one thing, surely that'll be a law for you. No, I think a lot of people just want to feel sorted. Like if you go to the arm and a broken arm and a broken leg and they go, we'll deal with your leg next time. Why talk toed at me? Oh. Yeah, well like he asked me something.

Was he Patch Adams? He goes, he asked me a question. You're real? No, no, that in Liverpool swearing. But he goes, he asked me a question and then I went on and told him like the answer and whatever and then I got distracted in my own answer and started going on and on and about two minutes later I was like, sorry, what was the question again? And he just laughed and he's like, okay.

And then so we don't need anymore. I know what you got. It's the quickest assessment ever. Yeah. I am. I keep getting a lot of like, uh, like I'm addicted to scrolling. So I keep getting like a ADHD people who are having medication for the first time and their reaction to it. And it looks so they're so excited that they can think it's, it's mad. I tried it. What does it do?

What does it do? What does it do? It's like the imagine. Have you got ADHD? I think all of us, you're the least likely out of the, the last is the best way I could sort of explain how it's like in my brain. Right. So let's say, let's say you add the week I'm having this week, right? So you've had the Liverpool parade to go to, planning your stag do in the party, planning time to pack to go to Nashville on Monday, gotta book a hotel for London the night before Nashville, gotta make sure I've got trains booked

to get down to London to get to Nashville, and getting the keys to the house I've bought, and arranging a moving van and putting everything in. So in your head, does your brain go right? Well, today's Monday, so we'll just do the parade and then we'll deal with the hangover on Tuesday and we'll move some stuff over. And then Wednesday I'll get the van.

But so in my head, on Monday, it's like every single one of them jobs has a voice in my head. And they're all competing for my focus at the same time. So imagine all those different jobs are in your head going, it's a parade today, but on Tuesday, don't remember you got to come down and go over because you've got to get all the stuff into the house before

and you're getting the keys on Wednesday, but they're not going to the airport till three o'clock. But they've said you can get there from 11 o'clock on the van to arrive at 11. So if you get the van at 11 and get there for 12, then they're going to be there for three hours while you're putting stuff in. So they're going to be in the way a little bit. And then you promise them you'll give them a lift to the airport. And then Thursday, you've got the podcast, Tom screens the co-host, make sure you text Thomas the night before, make sure you confirm them. Okay. You actually forgot to do that. Make sure you text Nick and make sure he's in at the right time. And then Friday, you've got to get up early, get over to the house,

make sure the brick slips go in for the builders for a year away. And at the same time, also, Friday is the day that you're doing the podcast. And then you go to the... Get a PA. That will not help my brain. You go to them, have you done that? And they go, yeah, sure. That ticks all in boxes. I got told that like it's like, yeah, Brian, imagine it's like a

traffic jam in like the Bangladeshi streets. Everyone's like, Oh, yeah, yeah. And then you take the drug and it's all gone. It's like a motorway. Every every car is like an idea. Yeah, try and go. And you can't. And the other thing is, you know, you've got something important to you sit down to do it. But then as soon as you do that, you think, Oh, yeah, but I've got to clean up the kitchen. And then you go, well, that's more important than that. How am I going to work if I know that the kitchen's fucked?

And then you just, you're constantly changing what your priorities are in your head. And they're all, and I can't operate unless it's an emergency. So every time I travel anywhere, I make the train by two minutes because I'm like always fucking late. So everything is stressful all the time because I'm just always... But it's also like a superpower because, you know, you talk to like people and then like, you know, you say, oh, what are you doing this week? And you go, well, I've got to go up to Liverpool. And they go, and how are you going to get there? And you go, well, it's fucking five days away. Why would the fuck would I? I'm going to work out to get to Liverpool the morning I've got to get there? And you go, well, it's fucking five days away. Why would I fuck, what I...

I'm going to work out to get to Liverpool the morning I've got to get to Liverpool. That's what I'll do. Yeah. And like, if I know something's got to be done by 5pm and I know it will take me exactly an hour. Oh, that's me. I cannot start it till four o'clock

because if I started at three, it's not interesting enough to do because I've got more than enough time. So I'll definitely, that's not interesting. I work under pressure. If I've got something to do, I won't do it until I need to do it. So maybe I've got that.

Mild ADHD. Wait, do this on Thursday. Or do this by Thursday. I'm doing it Wednesday night. I'm not doing it on Tuesday because I don't need to. Yeah, I know you do. There's no rush. But I couldn't this by Thursday. I'm doing it Wednesday night. I'm not doing it on Tuesday, because I don't need to. Yeah, I know you do. There's no rush. But I couldn't focus on anything. And then they said that I had ADHD,

and then they gave me the meds. And I've literally struggled my whole life with that sort of stuff. And they gave me the meds. And it kicked in five minutes later. And I went past the washing machine, and I was like, oh, I could put some washing on. So it's got a downside.

Did you just put some washing on? Well, I thought I could. Yeah. Yeah. And that's an orphan. That is enough. Like I could just put a wash on. Oh, I would never think of it and I would leave washing in my washing machine and I would wash it eight times and then you'd let it... See I mean I do that. I could leave it for two days and wash it again. Yeah I'll leave the wet stuff in the washing machine for like two weeks and I'll go fucking hell that stinks put it on again. It saves time wearing it doesn't it? Yeah because that's storing the clothes as well. Yeah that's where you store it and then what happens when you get it out? You've got to find some other fucking place to store it. I do that.

That's why dishwashers are great. And also does that market and fellow Rory Sutherland, who came up with this plan where every house, especially for ADHD people, should have two dishwashers. Yeah. And one of them just becomes a cupboard. Yeah. So you fill it, put it on.

And now that's a clean cupboard full of dishes. And then the other one, you then empty that one and that is now the new one to put there. I think every cupboard should be a dishwasher. Cabbage. Cabbage. I used to have under floor heating. Oh wow. Not in my new flat, but in my old flat I had under the floor heating. So I would just switch the heat up, leave the house and put all my clothes on the floor.

That is fantastic. And when I got in it was all dry. That is so clever. It was not only dry, it was warm. Did you not think though, before you got medicated, that it maybe affect your comedy? I was worried. I was worried.

I think every comic, any creative person, any creative person, musicians, comics, artists, whatever field you want to look at, there's normally some of this in all of us, in some capacity, there's normally at least a drop of it. And I think a lot of people do have that worry, if I get well, then I won't be able to do the thing that I can do anymore or not to the same level.

And I do think, I think it's a very understandable thought. And I think it's a really dangerous one. I think everyone's sort of plan should be to get as mentally well as possible and then be as creatively. Within that. As creative as you can. Once you're well, rather than being like,

I better stay fucking mental actually, so that I can still tell the right joke. And it's sort of romanticized, do you know what I mean? It's like, oh I'm an artist so I'll die in the gutter, penniless, right? And it's kind of like I've got to suffer for it and I'm mentally ill and I'm going to challenge all of my depression and anger and hate.

I'm going to channel it all into my work. And you just think, can't you just have a nice life? Yeah, can't you just have a coffee and a sandwich and then do a drawing? So I'm on the pills and obviously you worry because I was on antidepressants for years as well and they didn't do anything but you worry that it will change your brain and it does change your brain but it means that you're more capable of doing something with the ideas you've got because I find when I was depressed and when I was undiagnosed with ADHD and bipolar...

...I was doing the best with what I could do. But some days I couldn't get out of bed. See, my thought is with the ADHD med... ...'cause you get the fast or the slow acting, right? So I thought if you could have the fast acting one during the day... ...to get your admin and all that shit done... ...but then if I don't have to take it when I'm on stage, do you know what I mean? So I could just be... Because I like being distracted. Yeah, but you don't... I don't sleep. But my if I don't have to take it when I'm on stage, do you know what I mean? So I could just be, cause I like being distracted.

But you don't, I don't sleep. But my bipolar meds knock me out. So I take ADHD in the morning, but if I don't have my fucking bipolar meds, I'm up for like 48 hours. So you take the meds at the end of the night and then they fucking knock you out. Business in the front party in the back means? Does it affect your dreams? Like your dreams like, do you know what I mean? You don't have cheese before you sleep that fucks your dreams up. That's got to be a myth though hasn't it?

I thought you didn't dream if you weren't doing that. I thought it stopped your dreams. What cheese? No, I thought if you were medicated it stopped your dreaming. It depends on the meditation and the person. I don't know, unless I'm just a very light sleeper. All my dreams are about me trying to keep my eyes closed and pretend to be asleep. My dreams are about, that's what I feel like a lot of the time, you know, genuinely like I feel some, I wake up sometimes and feel

like I haven't slept at all. I've just simulated it for eight hours. You think have I, have I been sleeping there or not? And you go, it's been an hour. I must have been sleeping a little bit. Last night's the heaviest sleep I've had in ages. I reckon I fell asleep at midnight and I had this absolute glory moment, by the way. I woke up and was like, oh, it's time to get up here.

It was 10 to five in the morning. And I got to just go, oh, I went for a wee and got back in bed and went back to sleep. Unbelievable. Oh, 10 to five, that's it. I reckon that's the best time to see on your, if you're up at eight, like me and Mrs. Alarm went off at like half seven saying that woke me up.

But in my head, I was like, I've got a full three more. That's a night's sleep for me sometimes. Like three hours sometimes I'm like, I'm just gonna have to deal with living on a three hours long as you're sleepy enough when you get back into bed. Sometimes I'll get back into bed like fuck you three hours and then my brain's like, hey, and ask me some random question German and then my brain's got that three hours gets eaten up real quick.

Yep. Oh, yes. And she get your phone out. Oh yeah. It's that researching weird shit. Three hours sleep. Can't unlock your phone in the middle of a sleep. I couldn't do anything on three hours sleep. I'm so reliant on a good night's sleep. But like you know when you're at school and then you wake up in the morning you're ill or you wanted to not be at school and then you'd be like you'd be up at like eight o'clock to go to school and then you'd be like you'd be up at like eight o'clock to go to school and then you'd get the day off school and your parents go to work another three hours

in bed richard and judy do you know what i mean you chose richard and judy who didn't you watch richard and judy such a good old one i'd watch oh i thought that was a sorry i didn't know that was a thing i thought you were saying that was you saying like a what do you call like a wanker? Yeah. I thought you're saying a different word for wank. Oh, Richard. Go guys. See Richard. That's what I call my balls. Because Richard dick and Judy. I don't know. Richard dick is one of my balls. I call one of my balls dick. I call my dick Bobby ball ball. The Richard, Judy and Bob. Yeah. Bobby. I'd watch the cartoons that you didn't realize were educational. What Richard and Judy was a cartoon. No, no. If you would off school, the college would have some weird

Richard and Judy by the way. What's Richard and Judy? Yeah. I didn't get that. Well, it's what this morning. I suppose though, because Tom, you only been in the UK, how long? I don't mean this morning. Yeah. I mean the TV show this morning. That was so confusing. I thought he just went, you know this morning?

And I was like, and I was like, did you know I was waking my eyes out? I thought he wasn't here this morning. Richard and Judy is this morning. How long have you lived in the UK? 10 years. Okay, and you you are how old?

38. Right. So you moved here when you were 28. So Richard and Judy when Richard and Judy and much 10 years ago. Judy retired ages ago. And they did Richard Judy's pop club after that. Didn't she get a tits out once? What?

Didn't she get a tits out once by accident? One at an award ceremony. Her dress. You thought that was Janet Jackson? No, no, she did Janet Jackson before Janet Jackson. It wasn't Judy Finnegan, it was Janet Jackson. No, Judy Finnegan had a wardrobe malfunction. Which one of them is the sister of Michael Jackson?

Is it Richard or Judy? I'm sure. Yeah, she did. Yeah. At the NTAs. So she did a Janet Jackson before Janet Jackson. No. So it should be called the Judy. That's what people were saying when Janet Jackson did it, they were like, she's done a fucking Judy. Judy Finnegan.

So they were, they were a couple who hosted the TV show. Those together rule life. Yeah. By the way, you'd love Richard Madeley. I think he probably wouldn't recognize Richard Madeley. He's still about, I think you just wouldn't, they're not a double act anymore. Why would I like him?

He's a dick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. With a tiny pinch of cunt! LAUGHTER Here's some... I did a charity gig, which was... We had a live band, and they were all, like, TV executives that were in the band, and they were all millionaires that were in the band, and they did a charity gig

where they either played a Beatles song song or a Rolling Stone song. And the stage was sort of like here and there was a corridor down the side to get to the toilet. And so I went to the toilet and when I came up there was, you could hear that there was someone on the stage and they were playing like Johnny B. Goode, right, but they were doing the guitar solo perfectly, right. And when I came in and looked around it was was Richard Madeley. And he had, like, a red fucking guitar, like Michael J Fox at the end of Back to the Future.

And he was fucking going for it. He looked, because he has his hair. You know, he looked like Marty McFly. Oh, that's cool as fuck. But he was dressed as Ali G. It was weird. LAUGHTER Richard Madeley can play the guitar that well. Yeah, like, he was listening to it going, fucking hell, this guy's well. Yeah, like you were listening to it going,

fucking hell, this guy's shit. Oh God, it's Richard Madeley. Yeah, he's one of the least sexiest men you'll ever come across. Where you say that, I sucked him off. He was so good at the guitar. What a dreamboat. Imagine how old were they back then? Were they middle age then? Back when they were hosting? When they were on the telly?

Yeah, forties. So imagine a 40 year old couple together hosting a morning show and like the banter that they'd have and you know, the relationship. They must like really well. The equivalent of this all over the world. Why are you pretending that you don't get it? No, no, no. I do get the concept of the TV show. Married couple turn up every morning to make you feel better. That would be weird. I wake up and they're just there.

Hello. What? You mean like parents? No, the jokes would be like, oh yeah, Richard, you left the milk out last night, didn't you? And then it'd be someone playing the bassoon. Yeah, that's this morning. Meet the woman who's the youngest woman who's ever lived with seven ads.

You only meet it once. The youngest woman who's ever lived? Yeah, it was all appallocks. The youngest woman that ever lived? Meet the youngest woman that, oh, hang on, she's being replaced. LAUGHTER But it was that, it was like, meet John, he's got seven cars, woo. And then it was that story about John, yeah, got seven cars. Yeah, it started with one and then two...

LAUGHTER ..and then three, the third one broke down, so I needed to replace the third one, but then before you knew it, it was four, five. And then Richard went back down to four and then five, six. How'd you get to it? It was like bollocks, but it was shit on Italian that you just melt your brain to before you went to work.

So, and this was on for how many years? Like for ages? It's still on now, they've just got new hosts. What? And they have Fred the Weatherman behind them. And it was him, wasn't it? You know, Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same show. Yeah. But they have like a man on it. It's like, is Alan, he's got the world's smallest Willie and he's going to tell us what it's like to have the smallest Willie in the world. Where's that in the morning? That was a real one. No, that was a real one. No, stop. Micro penis. Living with a micro penis. Oh, hang on a minute. No, it's just one good place. minute no he's just in the place. Get him off. He doesn't even get his moment. He's gone on the telly so much having a tiny go. He's just been looking. By a baby. No and the man's big the man with the biggest willy in the UK he was on it. Biggest willy in the

UK. How would you know that though? Measurements? Well they'd tell you. What if there's someone at home who's like, I reckon mine's bigger. Would they call in this morning? No, this is a medical penis. This is like, it's down to his knee. His knee? Yeah. Fuck, if he got a wrecked he must pass out. There'd be an issue yeah, because all the bloody government's had. Genuinely he was on there like, and it was really hard to feel sorry for him. He's like, yeah, get me knob out, and women are just like, oh, can't do that. Not doing that, yeah.

And a lot of the times, my pants don't fit properly. A lot of the times, if you've got a really big dick, you know, I find I'm just thumbing it in. A lot of the times. Here's a question, would you rather be the fella who's got the smallest cock in the UK, I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. biggest or the smallest? Because the biggest, but he's got the issues of like women not wanting to go near it. Like the medical issues, the smallest. He's just got a little Willie, honey. It's not like he's any medical issues that come with that.

But you can do loads with a little dick. Yeah, you can use props and stuff. So you can use props. Yeah, you can do stuff to like, but like it's big. It's just an issue. It's just like, oh, I'm not doing that. What do you mean like Willie dress ups? Yeah, props. What do you mean? Like fucking cosplay, cock play.

Where you go? Cosplay. You dress up. Pump it up and yeah. What? Use love honey. That's what I like. You know, in the hangover when they like, what the fuck is that?

And ends up being his Willie. Who's Willie? Um, oh, Mr. Chow. Mr. Chow. You remember that bit? And they're like, and the monkey licks it. Yeah. Is that actually his Willie?

No, that's a film. That'd be a porn film,'t it Tom? Right. I tell you what, I got like quite a small spare room, right? And I bought a really big desk for it. Really big. It's like the biggest desk I could find. I thought that'd be great. But I put it in the room and the room looks even smaller now. So I'm getting rid of that desk. I'm going for a smaller one. That can be a metaphor. A woman with a tiny pussy would like her tiny cock in it. Does your dick feel bigger when you walk into that room? Oh, well, yeah, because I keep bumping into the desk.

It's just a dick height, you know what I mean? You think, God, I can't move anywhere without banging my dick in the sun. All my furniture's big. My cock must be mad. How big is your penis? Well, let's put it this way, I bang it into every piece of furniture I've got. Yep. Bigger doesn't mean better. Exactly. In so many words. You would

a hundred percent rather have the biggest one than the smallest one. Yeah. Of course you would. That wasn't the question though was it? It was. I thought you said. I was saying we'd rather have the biggest or the smallest but I think. Oh sorry I thought you said the smallest. I don't know. Either way you're in the Guinness Book of Records right? That's got to feel pretty good. I don't know. Guinness. Do you reckon they're taking pictures of the willies and putting it in the book? I don't think they're taking pictures of it. That's got to be in the book. It's got to be, innit?

Yeah. It's got to be. The world's smallest willy. Can you Google that for me? The world's smallest adult penis, I imagine it will be. Yeah, let's get that in writing. Before we ask the photos to be sent in. Before we Google it.

It can't be surely the biggest maybe. That's a lab vibe, I'm not taking that as... Imagine, yeah, but you could have, right, the world's smallest penis, right, but then if you could have a wish, yeah, you'd say, I'd also like the world's smallest hands. Yeah. Well, this one thing. Then it doesn't matter. Yeah, but you could also. I'm assuming we're wanking, right? I love that with the wish, you don't wish for the cock the size of your hands. You wish for your hands to match your cock.

Why would I want? Because having small hands is another issue. Why would I want a cock with five ends to it? Swiss army cock. It's under an inch erect. What? Under an inch erect. Wow. What's an inch? Under an inch? That's a click. A wreck though. It must look mad. Like angry and straining. Like a mouse holding its breath. I'm a wreck right now. It mustn't look like an erect willy. You know what I mean? What are we talking about?

What do you mean? What else? What does it look like? Yeah. I mean, I personally drive up the smallest one. I think the biggest one, my mate, famously as a small penis and he's a comic actually done. I won't say what it is, but no, not done. And he said he used to do a bit about it years ago. He doesn't do any more about when he would take dick pics and send them to girls when they asked for them. He'd take it next to a, one of those cans you used to get from Woolworths, the little ones. So that like in perspective, it looked like it was like,

yeah, the size of it. He wouldn't let them know it was a little mini one. He'd be like, Hey, I did the same thing. Oh, is there a can there? And is that- Do you use your mini furniture and put it in the background? Yeah, I did the same thing with a Barbie mansion. They were like, fuck it, no. You can get them second hand on eBay, it's great. They're not that expensive. And you can just rest it on the chimney

and you can go, look at the size of this. I was in a Barbie mansion. Trying to fuck the chimney. On the chimney. Have you ever fucked a chimney? No. It's an amazing feeling. Is it?

You feel incredible, the power. Mom, you never guess what I'm doing. It's a math magic. Yeah, it's a dream. The dream. What all of them candles on my birthday cake were about, mom. I'm finally fucking that chimney. Where did I get it? No, it doesn't matter where it...

Oh, my God. So, you've got ADHD. There we go. So, you've got ADHD. The fact we all do. I've got ADHD. Er... What was the question? Oh, I'm fine.

Oh... What was the question? Oh, I'm fine. Oh. Oh. Yeah, I do want to get a bit of medication for it and just say, I want to experience what you've experienced. Oh yeah, but also with the meds, if you take it, you can focus and you don't have to take it every day. So it's not like if you miss like feeling fucked in your head, you just don't take your meds. I pick and choose. It's when I've got a lot to do, then I'll take one. Is it basically hard and long?

Yeah. Yeah, but just basically meth. Speed. Speed. Speed, yeah. So when you're on antidepressants, and if you're not depressed, you're on antidepressants, and it slows you down, which makes you,

made me suicidal, right? But then when you're on speed, it made me suicidal, right? But then when you're on the, but then when you're on speed, it speeds you up and you think that that's the opposite of what you need when you can't focus, but it actually just levels you out. So did they affect each other? My mum used to say one of our neighbours were on speed and she had the cleanest house on the street, genuinely.

Yeah. She had a spotless house and I remember coming back because I used to play with this, so I came back and I was like, mum, it's just play with his son. I came back and I was like, Mom, air house is like the cleanest house I've ever been in. And my mum went, yeah, she's on speed. I think I was like six. Yeah, I did a food show and we did an episode in Glasgow

and there's a Glaswegian chef who'd been on cocaine all night. It was the fucking cleanest kitchen we saw in the whole series. It was brilliant. It's just stanky with iron brew and butthead. See, there is a good use of Class A's sometimes. I think you'd forget to take the medication. You need to get some cleaning done. Yeah.

Class A's. And I wouldn't. It's just an advert, Nick. Did you get that? It's just an advert. Class A's. I love them. What was the cooking show you did, Nick? Class A's. I love them.

What was the cooking show you did, Nick? It was called Eat Your Heart Out with Nick Helm. Yeah. Do you like cooking? Are you a chef's man yourself? I used to really like cooking, yeah. What kind of stuff do you cook? Anything. I can cook anything. I'm good at cooking. Yeah, right.

I love cooking. I'm obsessed with it. What's your favorite thing to cook? If I've got the time, a full roast dinner. With all the trimmings and stuff and different flavours and seasonings on every bit. Yeah, you love roasts. Roast being my death row meal, it's my favourite one. What roast was it? Chicken?

If I'm choosing, I'm going either lamb or... Hello. Braising steak. If you braise some steak and have that as the meat, like you would in like a beef stew sort of thing. If you use the meat of that as like the meat, but then have the rest of it be the traditional roast. Keep going.

Is... Oh. Me mum used to do a roast every Sunday, and once a month she would do braising steak and it was just... Don't you think there's something a bit weird about British food like roasts and breakfasts where it's like, those are the potatoes and then there's the carrots and there's the... It's like we haven't mixed it up.

It's not a recipe, it's like you've cooked everything individually and Yeah. You're cooking seven dinners in your mouth, haven't you? Yeah. Yeah. No, but like I, so I've said this before on here, we had Michelle DeSvart on and she called me an autistic loser, I think. Because if I have a roast dinner, I eat like, I'll eat a potato and then a pig in blankie. Yeah. And then a bit of meat. Yeah. And then a carrot. I don't go like.

I hate them people who put. Ham spuds. Yeah, you like everything compartmentalized. I have a bit of that bit. Yeah. A bit of that bit. I don't get a big, I don't like fuck me fork up and. No, no, no, no, we're saying like what he means

is he doesn't get a fork and go spud. He doesn't put like one. He doesn't do, this is the perfect bite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I hate that. You're not going, I need potatoes. He's like going, I wanna eat a potato. Yeah.

Now I wanna eat a pea. Yeah. Now I wanna lick the gravy off the plate. I hate pea. You know? Just one singular pea. Yeah. Every meal is tapas to me.

It's just sometimes all the tapas is on one plate. Yeah. Every meal is tapas to me. It's just sometimes all the tapas is on one plate. Yeah. I'm a simple man. I was, I just love a bit of wheat bix. Easy. A bit of what? What? Wheat bix. What the fuck's wheat bix? Oh, we say wheat bix. Sorry, wheat a bit. You say it wrong. No. So also yes, you do like Weetabix, but we're talking about roast. Yeah, in this conversation about who likes cooking the most, you've chipped in with, I like Weetabix. Do you make them from scratch, you can't? I like Weetbix.

Nick, in the first... Hang on a minute. I put milk on. In the first half of this show, this is like, he's the final boss of ADHD, he's got his own little trade of thoughts. In the first half of the show, Karl said, I think kids having iPads is gonna be like really bad for the next generation,

cause they're not gonna be able to, like, the way we're all addicted to our phones and we only got them in our twenties, kids are having them now from infancy and they're not gonna be able to concentrate. And he went, England has a lot of good sausages. Like. Yeah.

That was the conversation. Yeah. In his mind, he was like, well, English kids will be okay. They might be like their brains will be mush, but at least they can get good sausages. Yeah. It was a lot cooler. Because you think sausages in the UK are alright? Yeah, they're really lovely.

So your head went, oh yeah, the iPad, God, they're the beginning of the world. In this scenario, they had a carvery. What? What? The kids would have a carvery, wouldn't they? No, it was a Baccaro. A what? I was in an Italian tapas restaurant.

Oh, it's because he heard carve. Carve. Also in Australia, where he's from, they don't have pork sausages. Yeah. Just beef. If you're going to get pork, it's hard. Do you like what the meat is? No, it's hard to get. Oh, right. Like a fucking street saw. So what do you think of pork sausages now you're in England? What do I think of them? I mean you started this, finish up.

Can we ask you? I like sausages. I do. I'll stick them in between two wheat mixers. Better milk on them. You know what, that would actually not be, because you've got the dry crispiness of the wheat mix. Pork off. And then you've got the dry crispiness of the Weet-Bix. Fork off. And then you...

No? No. It's like a crumbed sausage. That is a crumbed sausage. Who doesn't love a crumbed sausage? Exactly. It's like... I don't know, like...

Can I have a sausage, please? I'd love a sausage. What do you want in it? Crumbs. I suppose that is what meat is, though, isn't it? Do you like Weet-Bix? Crumbs of people. Like, because you're a good cook... Can you... In a sausage, what do you want in it? Crumbs. If it... I suppose that is what meat is though, innit? Do you like wheat bix? Crumbs of people.

Like, because you're a good cook, can you... In a sausage, well, sheep. Now, do you know what I'm saying though? For breakfast, I don't like a cook up. So that's what I was saying, I just like a simple, like, wheat bix. Yeah. Weet a bix. Yeah. Weet a bix.

Yeah. You know what I mean? What do you have on the Sunday roast? Yeah, but we know what you mean, but for dinner. For Sunday roast? Did you say a cook up? Huh? A cook up? Cook up? What's a cook up? Isn't that what black Americans call a barbecue? Cook up. And we say frail. I'm watching this and just like water back in it. Well hold me back because I'm getting angry. What would I have in a roast?

What would you have as a Sunday roast? Cheerios. What's your staple Sunday meal? In the UK we have a roast. Yes, the roast was only a thing for me when I moved here. What's the Australian version of that? We'd have barbecues, we'd have, um, sometimes I go to Macky's. No, it was like Sunday was the treat day. So dad would take us to hungry Jack's. What's Christmas or Burger King? Sorry. What's Christmas like? Christmas hot, very hot. Um, meal wise though, we'd have Turkey. We'd do a Turkey. Yeah. How would you do it? I cook it from scratch.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. I just. Why are you kidding? What? You should cook it from scratch. How would you cook it otherwise? No, I was meaning that like, you know how you make a meal

when you bring all the ingredients in, I couldn't just invent a turkey. No, you couldn't invent, God did that. You don't need to, It's already been done. And then everywhere as well. In my head. What do you mean? You don't bare for turkey. You can't cook and you can't make one.

I can't make a turkey. That's what I was thinking. No, but yeah, we don't... You can't make a turkey. Tom, you need to go back to the doctors and finish that. You know, genuinely, right? So Thomas has been on this show many times. And the only people we ever asked to co-host in either mine or Dan's absence are like our listeners,

real favorites and they love him. And he's been on so many times. And I know, I know that the fact that a lot of our listeners and me and Carl often take the piss out of you for being a little bit under intelligent Bothers you a little bit and I think today is the worst Show no, it's so we've reached so the bottom of the pit. No, no No, I think I didn't I didn't know that you always get picked on

I didn't mean to I didn't mean to add to it. I just thought mmm biggest cannon I didn't know that you get this all the time and I've loved all of your contributions. Thank you Nick. Oh no a genuine man when I see it. Me? If you were cooking for somebody, me. If me and you got an Airbnb together. Oh, yeah. We won't be cooking. And we have the Saturday night, right. And we go, do you know what, we're just gonna have a night in, we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna cook. Yeah. And I'm gonna be your soon chef. We're gonna have a cook off. Yeah. No, I'll cook in. Cook out. Cook out. Cook off. Cook up. Cook up. We're gonna have a cook down. We're gonna cook out. I cook out. I cook off. I cook up. I cook up.

I cook up. I cook up. We're going to have a cook down. We're going to have a cook down. We're going to have a cook down. What are we cooking? What meal are we doing? A meal to impress someone.

For me and you. Yeah. Or for, like, because I do like banquet cooking. Okay, well, the whole team. So I would do like a paella. Okay. Pa pie. Yeah. Okay. Hi Ella nice Actually in Spain in Spain, it's pie. Yeah, that's wrong. That's just that language, but it's so but we we say pie Ella What you do you get a big pie here.

Fill it with we have it. So you made a pie here. And then you put like chicken or seafood or both. I put maybe prawns but not I don't like the squid rings. And then maybe there'd be some chicken in it. But no wouldn't be chicken because then you'd put chorizo in it. And then what you'd do is you'd get like a roast chicken and you'd chop it into little bits.

And then you'd put all the roast chicken stuff on. Or you'd do like thighs and legs. What makes it yellow then? The chorizo. It's basically chorizo is colored. Is this all right? Yeah. Yeah.

Chorizo is coloured, is this alright? Yeah, yeah. Chorizo is coloured with paprika. When you fry the chorizo off at the beginning, you like render it at the beginning and then all the oil goes like bright orange and when you put the rice in, dry. And you put chicken stock in, you put the lid in and when the rice has absorbed all the chicken stock, that's when it's done.

But you fry all of the stuff at the bottom, right? Cook it, put the rice in, put the chicken stock, that's when it's done. But you fry all of the stuff at the bottom, right? Cook it, put the rice in, put the chicken stock in, put the lid on, let it absorb. While you're doing that, you're roasting your chicken thighs and legs, yeah? And you're making a big salad, and you're doing like a bread basket and whatever, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Fuck, cooking's stressful. But then I do like three salads with like, potato salad, but you don't use mayonnaise, you use olive oil, and then you use like a red cabbage salad with fresh peas in it, and then you have like this fucking huge thing and people queue up and they eat all your food, and then at the end of the night you go, fuck, and they'll look at all the washing up,

but then your cleaner comes in in the morning and you leave the house. LAUGHTER You know how you learn something new every day? I don't think today would be that I'd learnt that chorizo colours the house. You learn something new every day. I don't think today would be that I'd learn that chorizo colors the rice. Well, people think it's saffron, but saffron tastes disgusting. Is it? So it's very strong. I had a saffron risotto that night and it was with hay and it was good. Oh, I've had that in that restaurant. Yeah. And it was delicious in there. Yeah. But the common misconception that you're using. Oh you like, like, like you're passionate about cooking.

I was, and then I moved into a flat that's got a shit kitchen and now I just deliver it. LAUGHS Bang on the way to the... A shit kitchen! As someone who enjoys cooking, a shit kitchen really does fuck with your mood. It's like, what's the fucking point? I've got a fucking convection oven, fuck off.

Is your cooking cuisine in terms of like Italian, French, whatever, like Asian, whatever, is your cooking cuisine different to your delivery, like what you would order? So what I'm saying is if you love cooking Mexican or Spanish food or whatever, do you then order Spanish or Mexican food? You know what I mean?

No. Well, it's a gamble, isn't it? Every time you go to Deliveroo, it's like 50-50, whether it's going to be shit or not. Or open. You've just got to play safe almost every time. That's fine. Every time I go and Deliveroo, everything's shut. Yeah, I play it safe on everybody to deliver.

Where's the latest places? Because people say like, oh, do you want to come and visit us in Andover? And I'm like, I've got a KFC that's open till two o'clock at the end of my street. Why am I going to Andover? So we went to Anglesey for the wedding last month and we went to a pub and they stopped serving food at eight o'clock and there was no one else to eat.

I was like, why am I in a place where I can't eat after? Oh, on a Friday night as well. It wasn't like a fucking bank holiday Monday. Why do you think I want to eat? Because I haven't got anything at home. All the shops are closed. You're the only fucking place that serves food and you close at eight. Why? Because you want your fucking dinner. Yeah. And they couldn't understand why. I like to be in a somewhere that's connected where if I want to eat at 3am, I could eat at 3am. Yeah, yeah. But the places that close at 8, the bins are still fresh. I'm gonna just apologise to our Patreon members because we're about to repeat the stories in this

week's episode, but I've got to tell Nick and Thomas what happened with delivery the other day. Oh yeah, of course. So, on Saturday, at the weekend... This Saturday's just gone. Saturday's just gone. We went to a concert in Sefton Park near where someone we know lives. Whose concert? It was the BBC one... BBC one... BBC one big weekend. BBC one big weekend. We weren't really bothered about any of the artists, it was just there was a music festival near our house.

Who was on? Sam Fender. Ed Sheeran, Sam Fender, Sugar Babes, Wolf Alice. Sugar Babes were the one. Blossoms were great as well. Yeah. Sugar Babes, what line up? OG. OG? Like really? To the point where not even the blonde scouse one, who everyone thinks is an OG, Heidi, she was actually a very early iteration on things as an OG, Heidi, she was actually a very early iteration before they made it. So it was- Like going all the way back to her.

Yeah. Mochia Buena. Yeah, Keisha and the other one. And the other one. What do you mean? There was four of them. No, no, no Mochia Buena. Yeah.

Keisha. Yeah. And the other one. And the other one. You ever thought that like, you know, they're called the sugar babes. And then there was the spice girls, the sugar and spice. So they just ripped off the name and changed it.

Oh, my God. That's crazy. Never thought about it. Did you were you the first person to think about it? Not only that, I thought about it six years ago. And this is the first time I've had a public platform to talk about it. So thanks, guys, if nothing else. That has genuinely blown my head off. I'm so glad we're not stoned now, because I'd have gone into another dimension here.

You might have blown the lid off the whole thing, you know. Yeah, it's a racket. I don't mean the music. Why would they have done that though? Why? Coming up with a band name is one of the hardest things you can do. We're going to do another all girl pop band. Who was good? Spice Girls. What's like that? It's just lazy.

Yeah, that's clever. Yeah. Yeah, it was. Anyway, yeah. ADHD. We went and got hammered in the park. We got drunk. Great. I woke up on Sunday, very hungover. Yeah.

And had a little bit of sex with me, Mrs. Had a bit of sex. Yeah, I'm with you. And then I don't know whether you've ever been hung over and had, and ejaculated. And then afterwards you get like a really bad headache, but it's happened to me a few times. And that's what happened.

So I had to have a nap. And this was about half 11. And I napped from half 11 till about half 12. And as I woke up at half 12 on Sunday afternoon, I woke up and my missus said to me, how are you feeling now? And I said, I actually feel fine now, feel good, be okay. I said, but I'm just starving.

And as my mouth finished the G and the word starving, there was a knock at the front door and I opened the front door and there was a delivery man with a bag of Chinese food and he gave me and so I came in and I said to me, Mrs, have you ordered me Chinese food while I've been napping? No, and I'd want Chinese food as soon as I was hungry. And she said, I don't know what you're talking about. So then I checked on my phone and I had a text from Mujib Wenner saying, enjoy your scram lad. When I got home, hammered the night before at half one in the morning.

And you timed it? No, I tried the night before to order myself Chinese food and delivery will let you put an order in for a restaurant that isn't open. Yeah. And it goes, Hey, thanks for your money. They're not open at the minute, but they will be at 12 o'clock tomorrow and they'll deliver it then.

Now I was so drunk getting back that night that I don't remember getting in. So I had no memory of ordering that food. So I didn't know it was coming. But I woke up hungover, had a post sex nap, woke up and said the word I'm starving. And then a magical China fairy had appeared at the front door.

He wasn't Chinese, was he? No, but he was holding Chinese food. Right. And so yeah, drunk Adam had just sort of hung over Adam out with an absolute food miracle. That's amazing. And I honestly think it might be the best thing that's ever happened to an adult man.

That is amazing. Cause I normally have to set my alarm and wake up early to cancel it. That is, that is amazing. That is like, that is- Because I normally have to set my alarm and wake up early to cancel it. That is amazing. That is like... That's a miracle. You just think, well, the rest of the day is going to be fucking amazing. I was with my mate. When was it? When was World Cup 2002? So how old were you? Six?

Japan and Korea. We were ten. I was ten, yeah. Japan and Korea. Gerard missed that because he broke his leg. So the matches were on at like, you know, five o'clock in the morning, six o'clock in the morning. I was at university and me and my friend, I'm not into football, but everyone else was and it's World Cup. And so my friend and me would wait outside the pub for it to open and we'd sleep on benches at the front and we would just

like I'd just been dumped we were just drinking non-stop it was brilliant it was the best just drinking non-stop and we were getting up early and drinking at like 5 a.m. and it was just brilliant one day we're going home and we go through a like a kids park. And it's maybe it's like, so maybe it's like, it's not quite dawn, but it's light. And we see this park bench and next to the park bench is this white plastic bag.

We're students, we don't have any money. There's this white plastic bag next to this, we look in and it's like eight containers of this Chinese takeaway that someone has obviously sat down at this bench and left it there. So, you know, we looked at it, we were like, of course we can't. But three seconds later, we were knuckled in. There was trotsery sauce all down our fucking faces. It was delicious. Best thing. And it was like room temp. Which was weird because it was outside.

But like, you know. It was honestly, I probably hadn't eaten in days, just Stella for like a week and then looking out the fucking silver trays. Drinking barbecue sauce. If you keep watching, make sure there's no kids coming. I would never get a Chinese for a takeaway. It's my go to.

It's if I'm hungry. It's Chinese, is it? Yeah. What would yours be? Always get pizza. Oh fuck, I get bored of pizza. If I'm on pizza that week at that, I have pizza maybe once every two months. Oh yeah. Wow. I'm not a big, I love great pizza. I think I'm just really forcing you a pizza. So the best pizza in

Liverpool without any close competition in my opinion is American pizza slice. That's great. Yeah. But like I, cause I'm luckily enough, go to New York a couple of times a year. The level of great pizza in New York is so absurdly better than anything in the UK, that it's almost not the same food. It's like, it's not the same food. It's like it's not the same thing. Like if you go to Lindustry or John's on Bleaker Street or anywhere of that standard in New York, I forget the other one in the South Bay of Brooklyn as well, which is unbelievable.

But it is so spectacular that the type of pizza you get from a takeaway over here is just, it's horse shit. I went to Venice, I went to Venice in Italy. The best place. And, uh. I thought you meant little Venice in Las Vegas, but, y'all. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. So I went to Venice in Italy. And I had a pizza in Italy.

And it was shit. Yeah, it's not good. Most Italian food unless you go with the right place, it's just tourist. Yeah, I have one on Pisa. I was not impressed. You had a pizza in Pisa? Yeah. When in, when in Rome. I like, uh, if you go to a tourist trap in any country in the world though, if you go to like a touristy place then it is horrific but Italian style pizza with it's all floppy and it's knife and fork. I'm just not having it. Pizza should like, you should be able to hold it from the crust and it doesn't like dip. Oh well I fold it.

Yeah a little fold's fine, a little like crunch, like you want like that angle. But you don't want it on the flop? No flop. I like to fold it, I like to fold it like that. Yeah. Oh yeah, that's all. Oh I want pizza now. Fuck.

We can get you some pizza. Yeah, okay. Let's have a little break. Press that big red button. Oh Carl. How are you? You feeling sexy? I'm feeling sexy.

Well, with Love Honey, you can really up your sexy game. They've got uniforms and outfits and all sorts of kinky stuff. You can find little play sets and like all little games with your partner, but maybe you're just having sexy time on your own. Yeah. You're flicking on the bean. Kissing on the penis. On your own penis. Yeah. Maybe you've got, you know, glass ribs. You're touching on the shlong. Who wants to just do that with a hand? No mate! Go on love honey! And just look at all the things they've got to...

Look at this! This? I said Looks like, Joan you go to your nans house, she's going to have all the glass stuff. Like she'll have a glass dolphin for some reason. You're gr- Oh look, you can get a glass tentacle to shove inside your vagina. Or your vagina.

Or your bum. Or your bum. Got the Powerplay Mini One Vibrator. This is travel size. It is, put it in your handbag. Yeah. Take it out in a night out. I will, I'll put it in my man bag.

Yes. And just, you know, play with it on my bum hole and stuff. Basically, it can make you feel dead good when you're having the wanks. Do you like orgasming? These will just make the orgasms better. That's what they do at Lovehoney. They make your orgasms better.

Jessica Rabbit. I mean, that is proper stuff. Get yourself a rabbi. Don't have to go to Pets at home no more. Lovehoney will box you as well. And you can get 20% off because we sent you. Use code AFF-WORD20 for 20% off. How wide?

Worldwide. Site-wide. Site-wide. That's a little funny. Wee. Final section of the show, ladies and gentlemen. What larks we've had so far today. Have you enjoyed it?

That's good, great. I'm invested. Mr. Nick Holm, I believe you have a tour to tell us about and a special project as well. Yeah, I have a special project. I'm on tour at the end of the year, Adam. Yeah, and there must be a website with the listings. You can get tickets from nick-helm.co.uk or you can follow me on Instagram at The Nick Helm.

Beautiful. I'm doing a tour at the end of the year called No One Gets Out Alive. And yeah, it's going to be really good. Beautiful. And an album? And yeah my last album came out in 2016 and I've been mentally ill since then so I've just finished I'm just finishing it now it's taking about nine years and it's 30 songs so it's not an album but I'm gonna be starting to drip-feed music out from about summer onwards. What kind of music is it? What genre?

What genre? It's sort of like, it's like, I don't know, it's like a bit of everything. There's some indie stuff and there's some like rock music. It's mainly rock music, I suppose, but it's sort of like all my music. So it's sort of a bit funny. Some of it's funny and some of it's not. Some of it's depressing. But that can be good. Sometimes it's nice to cry. Yeah, absolutely. Sometimes, sometimes, you know, you have been holding back a certain emotion because you feel it's negative. So you push it away and it takes a piece of art to bring that emotion out here, but you need to get out here to deal with it.

Well, I wasn't expecting that. Adam Lowe gets me. You said that and my head went, I wonder if he's got any songs about food. That's what I was wondering. Wheat mix. Wheat mix and sausages. I would expect that one to be an ad. Wheat mix and sausages. That swap makes me smile.

I thought it'd be like more of a metal one. You know what I mean? Like, weed mix and sausages, sausage flat. Like that? Yes, I'm all in. Well, I haven't quite finished it. I can put another one. Please do.

Bonus track. I guarantee, yeah, our listeners will make that the highest streamed song on the album. There's a Weed Mix and sausages track. Well, no, that's fine, because it will just lead other people to find me. Can you buy it physically? You will be able to buy it. Yeah, you can, what, as a human? Yeah. I mean, in stores.

And I sell loads of merch at the end of my gigs and it's always the best part. Oh, so you can have a hard copy? Yeah, you can get a CD. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah, CDs are cool. Yeah, a record. You can get a vinyl. Fuck yes.

I love a vinyl. After Vittorio, Shoy bought his vinyl. I've never listened to it, but it's cool to have it. It's the coolest thing in the world. Well, you get a vinyl and then you got the thing haven't you? Spotify on Bluetooth. So what's the fucking point in getting up? Yeah, but it's better. Yeah, I Got a record player that I've had since Christmas that I haven't unboxed yet. I'm really excited to unbox it So I had a record player that was

Unset up for the entire of lockdown and then I just bought a new one because it was easy to use. If I haven't set it up in six years then I need to buy a new one. Well I've got a record player that I used a lot but I've now lost the plug for it so I don't use it anymore. I can't find the plug. But every time you look at that record player you remember the music And I think those were good times. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely There's a good time Finn have we got any executive orders to look at we have many executive orders So we do a little bit of a feature here that we've definitely invented and not stole from another part of the world or anything like that.

Of course. And it's, it's called executive orders. You know what an executive order is Thomas? No. So you know, I don't know whether you've heard, but Donald Trump's president again, right? And of where? Of America. Okay.

And he's came back into power and he's been abusing his power, allegedly. No, he has, and what he's been doing, instead of pushing things through government and getting it to go through all the steps that it would normally take for something to become a law or a policy or whatever, he's been signing what is called executive orders, which is a power given to the president in America

in order to, it's just immediately law. So he could be like, hey, on Tuesdays, Gregg's have to give everyone a free steak bake with every Lucas aid. I think that would get a few votes, wouldn't it? Yeah. But the point is, they don't need votes. They just become law. So the question we ask our listeners and our guests, and I probably should have asked you before God is what would your executive order be if you came into power?

So let's have a couple of examples, Finn. This is from Alan, executive order, five and all numbers that end in five should be classed as an even number. I can't tell you how much I, like the syn is a sinister. Is that the word when everything just feels good and right? That's where you can see colors.

It's just when you put like our number five is yellow and Tuesday. Yeah. But I feel like this is the same sort that I've just evoked. That's sort of G. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Like that just works for me. Like 25 is an even number. Why?

Because it just feels nice. Even numbers feel nice. It's a round number, but it's not. Maybe it's a round number. It's like the two of five. That's not round. No. Do you know how great this would be if you didn't mean these things?

What he means by round number is it's five lots of five, isn't it? It's, it's, it's a quarter of a hundred. It's, it's a number that's used a lot. It's a quarter number. It feels nice. 16 is a round number. A hundred is 50, 25, 10. They're all like round. They're used as like, okay, like a coin, like a quarter. No, don't make me push you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you get 25 to a quarter, you wouldn't get 16. Do you know what I mean about it feeling right though, that 25 is an even number. I understand that even is divisible by two to leave a whole number. I understand that, but it shouldn't be. But what's wrong with being an odd number?

This is a very good question. Why is it even better than odd? 27 is worse than 25. 83 can fuck itself. The number 83. Wow. And 37 thinks he's all popular as well. What's wrong with 83? 83 is just...

It's 83 prime. Is that your most hated number? Yeah, probably. Is that your most hated number? Yeah, probably. Yeah, huh? Is 83 your most hated number? If we're talking about zero to 100, what's your most, oh fuck off.

14. 14. No, 14 I quite like. No, you need a he or they. 17 is a bit of a cunt, innit? 17 is a bit of a cunt. Yeah. I can't think of many ways that a 53 can suck me dick as well. 57.

Anything that ends in three I don't like. Well you know what, 53 is rubbish. 68 is a bit of a can. But so is 47 right? That might be the worst one. What 47? Yeah, because you're not 50. Yeah, it's 100.

But also half of it even, which is like them trying to go, hey, I'm alright mate, but actually go fuck yourself, do you know what I mean? If you had 47 on the back of a jersey. You'd be like, Oh fuck. If you had like 57 though and a 55 is odd and seven is odd. Does that mean they cancel each other out and make it even Adam? No, 57 is still annoying. Is everything above 100 cool? Huh? I think above 100 cool. I think above 100's cool. Everything over 100 doesn't count. 123. 123? No, that's class, yeah. I think above 160.

103, that's annoying. Nah, Belty. No, 103's worst. 103. Because in your head, you're just trying to get to 100, right? When you get to 103, you're like, oh God, I can't go back. 147.

I've got to keep going to 200. 147 would be horrific, but it's a snooze of maximums. So it's class. Yeah. 147 is not bad because you're almost 150, and then you've only got 50 more to get to 200. 99 pisses me off a bit. Why?

Yeah, it's edging you, doesn't it? It's two of the same number, and it's not quite 100. No, it's already up, isn't it? 99. Go on. 99. Brilliant. Keep going.

99. Ice cream. Keep going. No, 99's just brilliant, keep going, 99s, ice cream, keep going. 99s is edging, like, oh! No, no, no, we've got a lot of nostalgia for 99s because they're ice creams. Yeah, are they?

Ice creams and those nearly prices that you spend every year, 599, 699, 799. So if anything, a hundred is worse than 99. That's fair, yeah. Hell land. Not if I have a hundred, no? There's people who don't work like our brains do, by the way, listening to this, who currently

want to smash every listening device they've ever owned. But I associate with that. Well, I'm struggling. But do you not, seriously, do you understand what I mean by, do you understand what seriousness is? Nah, I'm still trying to work out my round number. Thursday's 47 and purple. Oh, right, well what colour is summer?

Yellow. Oh, I'm green. Really? That's spring to me. That's spring. Well, what colour is summer? Yellow. Yellow. Oh, I'm green. Really? That's spring for me. That's spring for me, yeah. It's dark green. It's dark, dark green.

Early mornings. Like shades. You're in the shade. Autumn's orange. Yeah, of course. And winter's black. I think those ones are just the colours that go with the season. Yous have got ones for like days of the week.

That's the weirder ones. Like what's Tuesday like days of the week. That's the weird one. What's Tuesday? What's Tuesday? What colours Tuesday? Maybe. I don't know if it works like that. Well, the weekend is kind of like... Olive green for me. I'd say magenta. Dark, dark blue. The weekend is. So maybe... Like an indigo.

But it's almost like it's a shelf, right? And so you have the weekend here. So maybe that's Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And then Wednesday is here. So Wednesday kind of like goes under the shade. So maybe like, oh yeah, maybe like Tuesday is like a yellow, but then it goes into like, you know, it gets darker, but there's the shade, you know, it's a shelf. So then it gets sort of like the yellow gets darker. And then we're on a, then we're on like a purple or a green up here.

Then that's the weekend. See what I would say is I disagree with all of the, but you definitely get it. You just have your own. Friday's yellow, Saturday's orange, Sunday's brown and then it's brown. Yeah. Cause it's like the brown dead. But mine's like Sundays. I think just growing up, you don't fucking love a Sunday. Sunday's the best day of the week. No, no, no, no. Sunday's the worst no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Sunday is the end of the fun. Sunday is the end of the world. Sorry. Can I just ask, what the fuck are you scared of on a Sunday? Monday. You know what the Sunday scaredies are?

No. I used to be scared of green grass on Harpies. Harpies. The Sunday scaredies is, I'm in school tomorrow. I haven't done that. And he was on on Sunday night. But every time he was on the telly, it reminded, oh, I've got fucking school in the morning.

Serika gets the Sunday scaredies now, because she's a teacher, and she's like, oh, fuck. Yeah, I get that. And then I get that." And then I get it through osmosis. -"Oh, the Sunday blues!" -"What do you think, the Sunday fucking scary is, though?" That's what I was wondering!

I was asking what a scary is. Sorry, guys, we've got a professor in the room. LAUGHTER I thought Sunday's scary. You were just scared and I was like, -"What's scaring you?" -"Sunday. Sunday just feels a bit like horror movies or something. Oh, I couldn't disagree more. Sunday's my favorite.

What is your favorite day? Because you're making your wee bit roasts. That's it. But we'll all be doing it now, right? Yes. Fucking oh. Sunday, I'll tell you my perfect Sunday. OK.

Get up, go to the coffee van. Yeah. Where's the van? It's about a 10 to 12 minute walk from me flat. Great. Right? Walk to the coffee van. Oh.

Walk with that coffee. Yeah. To the bakery. Oh, nice. The bakery always has a queue. So I get the coffee from the van to drink in the queue at the bakery. Right.

And then by the time I get into the bakery, You love the queue though. I'm ready for another coffee and I'll get a pastry. Have that coffee and pastry at the bakery on the little step outside. Yeah. Then walk or drive maybe to a supermarket. Are you sat on the step outside? There's like a bench. This is your ideal Sunday? Yeah. And you've added a queue into that? And it's a big queue as well.

My ideal Sunday. I like to join the back of the queue with a coffee and that's my morning. Yeah, no but James. And then I sit on a step with a Danish pastry. And suddenly, Wheat Bix doesn't look so bad. Do you know, genuinely, I don't mind a queue that I've chosen to be in. Sure, I agree with that. I don't mind a queue. Like if I, if I get forced into a queue, like a traffic queue that I wasn't expecting,

that makes me homicidal. And like people with bad queuing etiquette. But like bad queue, because you think I'm doing the queue, but no one else seems to get a queue. They don't get it. I'm going to lose my space in a queue. But seeing a line for like somewhere I wanna go in, whether it's there or like a good pizza place and it's like I'm happy to wait in it. Especially if I've just got my little first coffee

of the day, oh, I'm happy to have the queue. And even in the fantasy that I'm having right now, I won't remove the queue because I want my fantasy to be grounded in reality. Okay Every Sunday, do you this is quite a this is perfect Sunday. Listen, this is a perfect Sunday. No, it's not you Just every Sunday. I do it every Sunday that I haven't got commitments. Okay, like if What it's also possible Liverpool might be playing at 12 o'clock and by the time I'm getting ready and driving to the match or walk into the match or whatever, then it can throw things off. But like a Sunday where I haven't got a gig.

Yeah, but you've got till like 11am. Yeah. And then I'll go to the shops and I'll get the stuff for a roast dinner. Right. And then I'll go back and I'll start prepping the roast and get the meat in and then- And you in charge of Sunday dinner? Yeah, yeah, that's my vibe. That's your favorite. And then Sunday dinner finished

and then ideally get a bath and then get sucked off. That's a great Sunday. So what you've done is you conflated the childhood bath of the end of a Sunday and made it adult with a blowjob. Yes! And that's your genius. Tell me what you change about the Sunday, I've just given you all. I don't like getting up to go and walk and stand in a queue on a Sunday, I'd rather lie

in. Well what's your ideal Sunday? This should be a new feature, your ideal Sunday. I'll get up, I'll have a little bit of a lie in because I've watched the UFC the night before, which usually finishes late. So I get a lie in and then I'll wake up and I'll usually go to M&S. So put a time stamp on waking up. Eleven. Right. Because I've time stamp on waking up. 11. Right.

Cause I've got to sleep about six. Yeah. So I'm having a short sleep. I'll go to usually go to M&S and get us our favorite snacks. And then we'll just watch telly all day in bed. Oh, that's great. So yeah, all right. And then about five or six o'clock,

she'll get the Sunday scaredies, which is like, oh, I'm in work tomorrow. And then she'll say she's going to do some work. She won't. She'll get a bath. And there was needle in that wasn't there? Or maybe she before that I'll put like the four o'clock game on and she'd be in the bathroom. I'm watching the footy at six. What? Six? Maybe earlier. All right. Okay.

I'll watch and then we'll get back and we'll, you know, watch more things together. Sunday to me is I don't leave to leave the house unless it's to get snacks. Right. Yeah. Just snacks, no meals. No, we'll get, it's probably like five o'clock, we get a pita or something delivered.

Good. I like to do nothing on a Sunday. Yeah, right. What's your ideal Sunday, Nick Helm? Well, wake up. Mm-hmm. That's a good start. Good start.

Good start. Is it? I wake up, get a heated blanket on Max. Right. And then I'll get the duvet and I'll try and sort of like, uh, shove it in. So I'm like good and tucked in and then I'll lie there like a pencil. Right. And I might need a wee, but over the day that sensation builds. And I can't really move my legs anymore

because I've wedged myself in. And then eventually the streetlights come on, right? And only then when you can sort of like hear people kind of like, you know, at the end of the day, come on, it's time for bed, right? And all that stuff going out outside in the window. And then I'll kind of like and then I'll go, I'll stick my head out the window, maybe how I wish myself out and then I'll sit me out at a window and I look and the

coast is clear. Right. There's no one outside looking in and then I'll go for that. We and by that point, it feels incredible. And what could be better than that on a Sunday? LAUGHTER How long would you piss? Say it again? How long would you piss? What do you mean? How long would I piss?

No, you're having a long overdue piss. That's what the Sunday is. Well, what could be better than relief? LAUGHTER What's after the piss? Back to birth? Back to bed. Back to bed mate. Maybe you turn the blanket down a notch but then you miss the burn.

You miss the burn so you whack it right back up to three. Are you awake this whole time? Yeah but my eyes are closed. I'll tell you what. I'd just like to be left with my thoughts on a Sunday. I was in, it wasn't a Sunday, I was in my flat once and there was a leak downstairs and the builders were let in by the landlords. But I'd slept through them arriving and I was so ashamed that I was still sleeping in when the builders were there.

So I just pretended I wasn't in and I stayed in bed all day, like not making any noise and I could hear the builders talking about me and I was just like, oh no, it was terrible. I was there for fucking 11 hours and then eventually when they left it was dark outside and then I went for a piss so I don't it doesn't have to be a Sunday It's a beautiful the Lord's Day, that's what I call it Can you round us off and we'll finish this week's episode with your perfect Sunday. Okay, you've got children so that kind of changes it then. You've got child.

Child. Child. Child. So mine's a bit different from yours. Go before you had the baby and it was just you and your baby. No, I want to know what it is now. Yeah, Tom, we all do. Thanks Nick. It's a little bit different from your day. I tend

to get up and flex. All right. I think what I'm doing is actually more challenging than that. I'm playing chicken with my bladder. Is the chicken crumbed? Don't look at me like that. Similarly to you, I'll go to I'll walk down on a high street.

So I'll just get up and I'll be of a lion and then get the kid ready and we take him down. We get a coffee together, have a wander down there. It's nice to walk and then we might go to the park. Take a little bit of the park, have a little play down there, kick the footy, you know. And then, yeah, I would love... Is this what I do or what I would like to do? What? I mean, it's your ideal Sunday.

Yeah, so have I done... Is this what I've lived? Have you ever had a perfect Sunday? And if not, imagine one. We're not changing the rules on the fourth person, are we? You've got to put things you don't like in the day peppered. Say again? I'm joking. So yeah, and then, okay, then I would like to, I'd like to have the Formula 1s on and order it.

I just never had anyone in my life who I love as much as you struggle with so many just basic, it's such a simple question. What's your ideal Sunday? Do I have to have done it? I've never had anyone in my life who I love as much as you struggle with so many just basic... It's such a simple question. Watch your Ideal Sunday. Do I have to have done it every Sunday for my entire other life? Every Sunday is different, Adam. Just watch your Ideal Sunday. Like a realistic Ideal Sunday.

That's the only thing. It can't be, oh, I'd like to nip to the moon and back. It just has to be feasible. Like, if, like this Sunday coming, this Sunday, in a few days on Sunday, like what would you love that day to look like within, within, within reason? Like if you, right this second, you've got no gig, are you gigging Sunday? No. Right. So this Sunday, if Sophie and the baby are all happy, healthy and having a great time, no one's got the flu or bronchitis or anything.

What would you do on Sunday? I'd get a coffee. Yeah. You got up, you got in the park with the baby. Yeah. We've had a play. We've had a good time. I'd watch some sport. Formula One might be on, maybe watch a match, and then order a takeaway. A big pizza. Oh, and like when Louis is in bed,

I'd love to have a little cheeky sesh on the PS5. Oh, I thought you were on somewhere else. Yeah. Oh, oh yeah, that too. Yeah, I'd love a happy ending. Is that what you're saying? Is that what you, yeah, that's it. Yeah. I'd love a happy ending. Is that what you're saying? Is that what you, yeah? No. You're gonna have sex? You know, with the remote.

No, with your wife. It's like, chimneys are up for the cat. You can change the channel with your sphinx hair. An ideal Sunday would involve... Formula 1 sex and Xbox. Yeah, exactly. It's fucking, it's food and it's good family time. That's a great Sunday. And sport, sport, yeah, yeah, all separate. Fucking, fucking food and Formula One.

The three F's. And sticking out the wein bigs on the barbie. We'd be what a waste of our time. Can we hear fins? Go on. He's not topping that. Dead late, midday, get out of bed and then just try not to think about the fact that it's Sunday. Smoke weed?

Yeah, I'll have a joint. Just one? Watch the football. Just one? You should have slapped that on multiple. That brings us to the end of this week's episode. I think the gas leak in this building is getting worse and we will get that sorted eventually. Thank you to our wonderful guest Nick Helm for being here.

Does everyone else end furious? Yeah, we normally build it up. Nick-Helm.co.uk for tour dates. Come and see me on tour! Nick dash helm.co.uk for tour dates. And album dropping soon. And what? Hey, what's the album called? Down and dirty. Down and dirty.

Nice. It's depressing and half of it's dirty. That makes sense. You got anything you want to plug away Tom? Oh yes, my tour is coming up 25 and 26. We just extended in 2026, Thomas Green brainstorm. Check out all the tickets available at livenation.co.uk. I'm doing some warmup shows, adamrodeco.uk.

They're on sale now. I'm adding more as the ones that are on sell out. So if you look and you got, oh my place is gone, then look back again in a week or two and there's probably going to be another one. Do you know I was so confused then because you've got that camera facing that way and I was like who are we talking about? I forgot there's a second one there. That's good Tom. the Yeah, like the chicken. That's where the car that I think I recognise is for Whose kitchen is this?

Shall I circle home? But I guess I missed Don't you shout at me You know I'm gonna rain I freeze before I leave And don't assume I'm better There's some left in your blood, now, now! Now what you see and what you get I still don't realize it's true I just want me dead And if we'd been waiting to is come We'll be all over, we can't hang on It's not an asshole fight, you're a fool, you and me, at a hollow fight When I don't disclaim for what I remember, acting like it's due, but it's leading the pepper

Sometimes all the signs on them change all the smells, living like like queens But they're not paying no It'll get back around again Bad big shadow Bad big friend Now what you see and what you get I still don't recognize this room I swear to you man I'll be appearing to you God

I'll be hungover When you can't hide Oh I'll be a period till it's gone a fool I'm not a fool, I'm not a fool I'm not a fool, I'm not a fool I'm not a fool, I'm not a fool I'm not a fool, I'm not a fool I'm not a fool, I'm not a fool I'm not a fool, I'm not a fool I'm not a fool, I'm not a fool

I'm not a fool, I'm not a fool I'm not a fool, I'm not a fool I'm not a fool, I'm not a fool I'm not a fool, I'm not a fool I'm not a fool, I'm not a fool I'm not a fool, I'll be through with you in God You might be hungover when you can't hang on No one can see what you've had Said I'm a vegan, I just grew I swear women, I'll be through with you in God

You might be hungover when you can't hang on