Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #333 with Dom Joly - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: June 15, 2025

Tickets, merch and loads more available on our website! haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's September Karaoke Party: https://www.skiddle.com/e/40966945Listen to Finn's new single 'Remedy': https://FinnlayK.lnk.to/RemedyAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Huel | https://huel.com.haveawordpodGet Huel today with this exclusive offer for New Customers of TEN Pounds OFF + a FREE Gift with code haveawordpod at https://huel.com/haveawordpod (Minimum £60 purchase)Saily | https://saily.com/Download SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

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We do loads of live stuff and we've got a huge announcement coming soon tweak a nipple get excited sign up to the patreon enjoy the episode. Finn was great in it. Always. in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have Award. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. I've read 128 pages of a book.

Dun dun dun! I'm known as the book. I'm about to cause a way through. Wait, is it a kids book? No! Is it at Hogwarts? Yeah. It's a Sally Rooney book. Oh! There's only one! Sally Rooney!

Seneca's favourite author? Is that one of them anyway? Oh no. She's a complicated little bitch, this woman. That's not like Serika. Is that in the blurb? Yeah, no, it's fucking good. Yeah, I think what I've just been, I've been waiting for years to find a book that speaks to me, you know. And that's what Sally Rooney does.

They're called films, Adam. What? They're called films. This book What? They're called films. This book's speaking to me. Wow. Yeah? What's it about? About two brothers grieving the loss of their father.

Where's the complicated bitch coming? Oh, is that Sally Rooney? Oh my God, I thought you were talking about the protagonist. She's a complicated bitch. She's so good at words. Fuck you, Sally. You've a complicated bitch. She's so good at words. Fuck you Sally, you've done it again. Because you can empathise. No, well the first chapter I was like, this is fucking mental the way she's writing this.

This is, there's too much going on. Like there was no, like spoilers. Spoilers. Have we said the name of the book? There was no- So spoilers. Intermezzo. Oh, Sherlock has got that book. Good to know. It's-

Is that like a Sunday thing? Yeah. It's- You were struggling with the through line. There was like too much going on. No, so what was going on in the first chapter is- Is this acting good books? Like there's no differentiation in the writing

between an action of thought and speech. Like she doesn't differentiate at all. And I was like, what a fucking weird way to write. And then the second chapter I started reading and it was so different. I realized it's because the two brothers she's writing about, the first one she's writing about has got severe ADHD.

And it's never explicitly said, but she's writing like an ADHD person would think and in the second chapter he's autistic as fuck and it changes and it's writing like that. It's uh it's fucking class really enjoying it. I think I'm gonna start reading. You have? More. Intermezzo. Yeah. So that was a nine day holiday you got 128 pages done. Yeah but that was in like two settings, three settings. That's a lot. Two or three settings.

Yeah, I hate reading. It's boring as fuck. No, it's not. It's fucking phenomenal. Just if you're reading the right book. No, no. You got to find the book. You haven't found Sally Rooney, that complicated bitch or whatever he just said.

No, I love it. Carl, listen, whatever you think about books, forget it. Because when you pick up Sally Rooney's new mega hit into mezzo, I look at the page and I go, I don't, I haven't read any of that. Right. Well that's the problem you're having with reading. Yeah. See how he's not. And then you get to the end and you go fucking what was that? Yeah. What was it? Why any of that? Yeah. I, he's nodding. You read it and then you get to the end and you go, fucking what was that? Yeah. What was it? Any of that? Yeah. I, yeah. If you don't read, reading can be shit. No, no. I'm reading it. Yeah. I'm going to reading it. Yeah. And then I go, none of that

went in. No, I do that sometimes. And with other books, that's all I do. And that's why I've stopped. But like with this one, there's been a couple of times I've got like three or four sentences in and gone, I've got to go back there. It is like an ADHD thing. But this is the most of a book I've read. Everyone reads like that. Sometimes you're in the zone and you're like, I'm smashing this.

And then there's other times when you get to the end of the page and go, I've got to go back because I'm thinking about work or I'm thinking about, like that does happen. But you must have read some of a book where some of it's gone in. Cause it just, you just made out that you were like, page one, nah, that's not gone in. Page two, this is a fucking nightmare.

I used to be the guy who was like, yeah, I'll buy a book in the airport, and then it just sits in my bag and I'm like... Well, I bought this one in the airport, and for years I've done that. We use it every time we go somewhere, I get one, and I don't even open it. Fucking open it tonight. This is the most I've read of a book as an adult that isn't Jamie Caligar's autobiography. And he's a complicated little bitch as well. You've done it again, Jamie.

This is all over the shops. This is ADHD. Well done. So I bought it in the airport on the way to Nashville. Third year in a row. Nashville, Tennessee. I know it now. Know it like the back of my hand, mate. Like what? No fucking everywhere.

Yeah, really good fun. Yeah, it's- Seeing some absolute bangers at CMA Fest as well. Boobs. Oh, it's everywhere in Nashville. Cowboys and cowgirls. It's true, isn't it? It's true, it is.

And I respect that. Who'd you see at CMA? Who's the bangers? Zach Top. Oh! Fuck Top. Oh! I'm going to the top. The Red Claysstrays. Oh, the Red Claysstrays.

Riley Green. I know Riley Green. I'd suck his dick. So he opened for Luke Holmes when we went, and he's really kicked on since then. You met him, didn't you? Yeah. Ella Langley, she was on at the stadium.

Oh, dog. She was on at the stadium. We seen her in the fucking cupboard when we were there. She's in stadiums now, mate. Darius Rucker, bit of the all we're gone we all. Yeah. We're gone. Is that him playing Wonderwall? Does it go off?

His entire catalog goes off. I don't know any of the other ones though. Come on, mate. Well, he's Hootie, isn't he? He's hootie. He's hootie in the boat fish. Is he not doing his solo stuff? He does both. All right. OK. Brooks and Dunn. What? Unbelievable.

They're good for Bournemouth. Why didn't we go? Brooks and Dunn. Brooks and Dunn. Or Brooks and Dunn. They are the biggest selling duo of all time. Yeah, so you feel stupid now. What? Brooks and Dunne. More than Hall and Oates?

More than Wham! More than Simon and Garfunkel? The Chuckle Brothers. More than Simon and Garfunkel? More than Wham! More than Wham! Who every year will sell so much over Christmas? Yeah.

They're the biggest selling duo of all time. That doesn't feel right. No it doesn't, does it? Because you don't understand how big it is! Are they selling at Christmas? Still selling? Oh yeah. Mmm. Hit classics such as Red Date Road? Sure don't understand how big it is. Are they selling at Christmas? Still selling? Oh yeah.

Hmm. Hit classics such as Red Dirt Road. Shut up. Neon Moon. Ah, Neon Moon. My Maria. My Maria. Yeah?

Sally Rooney's a complicated bitch. That's their new hit. It's all, it's had them's life. What's the biggest duos ever? One minute, I'm just looking where they are. So far, they're not at number seven on the top 20. Yeah, but what websites are you looking at here? The Rolling Stones. Ah, fucking idiot. I'm just looking where they are. So far, they're not at number seven on the top 20. Yeah, but what websites are you looking at here?

The Rolling Stones. Oh, fucking idiot. Ah, that's nice. Wrong website. What's number one? Oh, they've come in at number 19. Yeah, but when was that? Last year.

Yeah, so you got the better view. Who was number one? It was the Everly brothers. They're like the sixth early sixties late fifties and seeing Blake Shelton wide receiver. He was, he was a judge on American. Yeah. No, did you see Gwen Stefani? That'd be class. Gwen Stefani. No, it wouldn't. Gwen Stefani? What, over Brooks and Hubbard?

No. No. Not over Brooks and Hubbard. Are you mad? She does the No Doubt stuff as well. Lady Wilson, she joined Brooks and Dunn. At Ars Fullosto, didn't it? Yeah, but she's taken her arse implants out,

which, respectfully. She's still fit, mate Ah, some gaff. Is that another artist? Chinese lad. Don't do the voice. Country music's mass-produced, ain't it? I thought you were going to say Nashville. It's getting bigger Nashville like, it's like an old.

We've got a tailor top on now, so she was country know it. It's gonna be a natural life, chuck it home. We've got a tailor top on now, so she was country to begin with, wasn't she? She was, yeah. Before she lost fucking track of where she comes from, mate. Become a billionaire, what a stupid woman. Lost the plot. Forgot her roots.

Oh, God. Did some shopping, got a new pair of boots, new hat. Most expensive hat so far? No. Blue hat? Black. Oh you meant black? Yeah, but like clean black.

I'm out with a hat, a clean black hat. Sounds like a song. Why? It sounds like a nursery rhyme. No and then I lent you one for the country day and you left it on a table and I lost it. That doesn't mean I'll... I put it on a table. I put it on our table. I think we're one all count. I put it on a table and I lost it. That doesn't mean I'll, I put it on a table. I put it on our table.

I think we're one all, Cal. I put it on our table. If I lend you a hat, that's your responsibility until the next day. It's one all with a hat. Yeah, so you can suck my gooch. Did you go and see Rainbow Thingy, what's she called? Who?

Susan the Hatmaker. Yeah. Yeah. Got a new one made. What was her name? Stormy. Stormy. Stormy, that's it. Class. Susan the Hat maker. Yeah. Yeah. Got a new one made. Nice. What was her name? Stormy. Stormy. Stormy. That's it. Class. Susan the hat maker. Susan the rainbow hat maker. I knew it was some sort of weather related thing. Yeah. Got my missus a pair of boots for Christmas that

didn't fit her. That's nice. So we took them to Covers because they don't ship to the UK. Were they too big or too small? Too small. I thought you couldn't go into them. She's not 11. You're going to them babe. 25, 26. Got them all swapped and changed. All nice.

Yeah, it was a good trip. Really good trip. I've had a good time. Will you go back? No one's worried about you being in Nashville, by the way. We're not like, oh, I hope he's having a good time. It's not like Dubai. Would you go back? What?

Will you go back? I will go back next year, I think. He's got the season ticket. Yeah. Big group though. Wanna take a group. So tell all your missus, we're all going back actually. Natural two.

Do you want to do the NFL there? Do you want to do the NFL there? Sure, wherever you want to go. That's shitty Titans, innit? Although they've got a new, they've got first overall pick in the draft. Cam Ward, he's looking pretty good. But it's summer training camp. Is that because they finished bottom?

They were poo. They were medically shite. Vanderbilt baseball team though, currently one of the best teams in the country. Yeah, but baseball, load of shite. You can just sit there and get bevied all day. No, that's the best bit. And you can shout. That's why. Yeah. Oh, that road sign you put in the chat.

That's cool as fuck. That was mad. Oh, Perry Wallace way. Yeah. Oh, I met one of the Jonas Brothers and played pool with him. Which one? Frankie. Frankie Jones oh that's like me and Danny with those is he the fourth one yeah he's not in the donors Jonas brother he's the black sheep of the family he's just he's just recorded there he's just recorded his... Is he black? What? He's the black sheep of the world. Say he's not a brother then. He's a brother.

Oh... He's the genus brother. He's not a Jonas brother. The gene. Nice. Yeah, I play pool with him. How is he the black sheep? He's had like sex once or...

What? How is he the... He's just not a band. He looks like a Johnhead. He's a country musician. He's just released his he's just recorded his debut country record and is he playing on the Jonas name his name's Frankie Jonas but he's playing on the fact that he's a Jonas brother yeah no it's not come on you gotta use that better now he's the Jonas Brothers Brothers Jonas Brothers Brother are the brother of the Jonas

Brothers he's the brother I right yeah crazy sound yeah I think I annoyed them cuz you're a bevy did you beat absolutely fucking Hammond I first of all I smashed my pill I think I walked in I was like I watched a clip from last year at CMA fest and he was like I didn't do CMA fest last year and I went oh well I seen a clip here to see a Mayfest he was like yeah that was yesterday I've seen that clip here at CMA Fest. He was like, yeah, that was yesterday. I was like, oh, I've seen that one. And he was like, oh, right, nice one. Wanna play pool? That's not pissed him off, you've seen his stuff.

He just, yeah, he just, I don't think he, I don't think he believes me. I think he thought I was just trying to be nice. But I had actually seen a clip of him. Is he like a little Hollywood gobshite? No, not at all. No? A Little country guy. Yes.

How many brothers are there? 26. Mar Jonas was a busy woman. There's Joe, who are the main ones? Joe. Joe, Nick. Derek. Frankie.

No, he's not one of the main ones. Who is he? Watch this. Oh, I like Frankie. Oh, Kevin. Kevin. Kevin Jonas? He played for Leicester. There is only four of them. It's Joe and Nick. They're the main dudes. I asked, I asked me missus if she'd fuck me in the sky.

Great. Is that one of, is that one of his new lyrics? On the plane, do you mean? Yeah, once he joined the mile high club. You know what she said? No, because they'll kick us off the plane. Get the parachutes for the slides. I'll figure. What does that mean? Do you arrest them when you land? Well, she said they'll kick us off the plane.

And I was like, what are you talking about? Like, we're up in the air. And she was like, no, they'll kick us off when we land. And I was like, good. Did you mean in your business seat or in the air and she was like, no, they'll kick us off when we, when we land. And I was like, good. Did you mean in your business seat or in the toilet? In the seat. Put my little shutters up. Okay, orange juice for me.

Do you want a champagne there girl? No, but when it gets dark and everyone turns it off, you can, you know, it just gets dark and they cab on. Yeah, but you can see people fucking though, can't you? Cause they, they give you a blanket and they've got a little divider. This is my fucking business. Fucking business time. No, I just wanted to fuck her in the toilet. Is it, um, do you get arrested for that? Is that like an arrestable offense? Mr. Mina. No, it's not a, it's not an arrestable. Also,

it's business class. You're not getting fucking, come on. I don't know, you know. Down with the- Why is it illegal? Is it because it's like public indecency? No, but like- You're in a little toilet, aren't you? So can you fucking like the Mackey's toilet? Is it the same? I don't think you can fucking any public toilet. No. I mean you can. What's the safe in it? But I don't know, I don't know why it's illegal. And also they have to prove it, wouldn't they? Yeah, it's not- Is not a crime. It's not technically illegal. No, it's just round up on it's violating airline policy So you might get banned from flying with that airline or if you're flying over a country where like public sex is like a heavy crime Well, that's what it says

What? That's what it says. The laws of the sky? Oh my god. Well I was flying from Nashville to the UK, there's a lot of ocean there. Yeah, so your international waters you can kill it. It's fine. And she said no. Her feet hurt from the fucking shoes. Do you reckon the pilot will be able to tell?

Because when I flew back from Germany, they spread... Turbulence! Get back in your seats. Hang on. It isn't turbulence. When I came out... Oh, Adam Rose in business class. He's like this in the cabin. But luckily, we're over international waters. Thank God we're not flying over Afghanistan.

Although that would be a fucking mental route. He's got lost there, man. How big is this steering wheel for the fucking place? Steering wheel! Go on, Adi. When I was flying back from Germany, they moved a lot of the kind of bigger people How big is this steering wheel for the fucking place? Steering wheel! Go on, Harry. Oh yeah, when I was flying back from Germany, they moved a lot of the kind of bigger people to the back of the plane because the plane was like only a quarter full.

Because they wanted to do a wheelie. Yeah, that's weight distribution. That's different. Yeah, but if two passengers get up and then jump up and down like sexy times in the toilet and that's on one side, then the plane could like do that. Harry! Just a sec. Jump up and down sexy time. Well, I dunno, it's like, it's a lot of trampoline folk. Yeah.

It's like, do you, well, I mean normal kind of lift off the ground when you're excited. Need one years could be jumping, but both of you jumping is insane. Uh, excited. You are. Oh, your Tigger puts house of pain on and goes to Paris flying over. It's nice. Yeah. Yeah. It was just a Winnie the Pooh reference. Let's all make sure we know it's a Winnie the Pooh reference. He bounces Do you think you could join the My Life Club on like a Dublin flight? You can join the My Life Club on like a Dublin flight. Right. Yeah. It was like 25 minutes.

Paying off. It's not a mile low. Is it? You're on an incline from Liverpool and then there's no point where you're at the same height. You go up and then they go, ah, it's time for landing. No one's going to go. No, that's not a mile high.

You're actually joined the half a mile high club. That's not a thing. Yeah. It's in the sky. Does that mean as soon as it takes off, if you, I think if you get, if you stop, I'm not in the mile high club. Really? We have a try.

Do you ever like ask the question? No, no, no. Cause I mean, when we fly to Japan, it's our first time flying business together. And I feel like that's the biggest opportunity to do it because you're a bit more segregated aren't you? Yeah. We've flown long haul a few times, but it's like, I don't know, it's never come up. Yeah.

Also at what point of the long haul flight do you use the bathroom for sexy times? You got to get in there early, haven't you? Before the Asian businessmen have like voided the bowels. Has that been Asian? Yeah. Yeah. It stinks more. Oh, it's poo in it.

Oh, it does, yeah. It all stinks. Joe will be sick, and I'll have to be a flex. Joe, when you get like a tour of the cockpit. Getting sucked off in the cockpit. Just go and aim. You turn round. To the cockpit. Getting sucked off in the cockpit. Just go and aim. You turn around. Shall I give you a hand? To the pilot. Oh, I'm sorry.

Turn around. Pilot Johnson. Trying to bum me bad, if you don't mind. Sorry lads, yeah. No, everyone likes to go with that. Shouldn't have called it a cockpit. Passes the plane. Suggestive.

Right, so you're going to try. Now, when do you float the idea of the mile high club? When do you float the idea? Is it like in the sky? Probably. Oh, you like it needs to be spontaneous. Yeah. It needs to be like, there's just been a bit of turbulence. The vibrations have given a little pussy flutter and then you're like, Hey, fuck me. You have to wait for the car to go past as well. Nightmare. Cause then you're all horny.

Yeah I think it has to be spontaneous. You can't plan it. Has anyone cracked one out in it? Oh you had a skywank? When I was 14 I had a wank in the toilet on the way to Turkey. I didn't have any like porn on my phone so I just had a photo of Paige Van Zandt. She used to be a UFC fighter. Oh yeah.

She was in a fight. She was in a fighting gear and I was just like... But I kind of did it just to say that I'd done it. Yeah, the badge everyone wants. I'm a pioneer. Fought in a plane as a UFC fighter? Well then. You've lived that life. But everyone knew you were doing it because you kept jumping up and down. And also he walked in the toilet holding up the phone.

How quick did you come? Do you know what? I didn't... No, but what I mean is there's people waiting outside the bathroom, isn't there? You can't be in there for a phone. Yeah, well they were doing it. I could hear them do... I think it took me a while because I could hear them doing the trolley service, like

prepping it. Oh, you can't wait in a queue and then crack one out. And also at the time my mum worked for two. Did you wank at the front? Did you not smell a shit? I'm sorry, I just had a wank. Yeah, but airplane toilets normally smell as shit. But I was thinking about it before,

I was like, I'm gonna get on the plane and have a wank. So I got in early. He was the first person. The rookie move is to wait till someone's on a shave. Yeah. Yeah. If you, if someone's on a shave, you should imagine your bum in it and she hasn't cleaned. And he's back. Welcome home. The flush scares me on the toilets. Yeah. I feel like if I'm near it, I'll end up in the sea. Yeah. I always thought that they dropped it, but they don't.

No, because in my head, the toilet is the bottom of the plane, but obviously that's fucking impossible. No, but the sound it makes sounds like they've opened a flap and... You thought they dropped it? Yeah. So there's just someone on the floor going, fucking hell, that was a big pigeon. No, I thought they dropped it over the sea.

I thought they dropped who over the sea? Is that not a fact? I'm pretty sure they land and then some fella who has the worst job in the airport has to like sort it out. He doesn't get in there with a mop. No, it's a poo tank. Yeah, just get emptied into a big shape bucket. That's still not a great job is it? Get the bags off and the shit. Well he used to not be able to shit on a station you train because you'd shit on the, on the track and everyone would see it. That's a fact, isn't it? I think so. Yeah. But I can't fall on anyone, can it? Whereas like if you have like a solid stool, you could knock someone out. That could be the name of this podcast by the way. That's a fact, isn't it? I think so. Hang on. Do you think your poo's like just turning

into a torpedo? Yeah. If you drop a penny off the top of the Empire State building, it can kill a baby. Yeah. But that's made a metal in it. Man, man, baby. So like if I had a bit of corn, it's got to be a lot more accurate to kill a baby than a man. It was a small. And also if you do, if it's like, if it's a big, like if it's like, you know, if it's one of Adam's, like I've been in the toilet before, that's not making you kill a baby with a coin on the floor? I could kill a baby with loads of ways. I take that back.

Yeah. Do we poo over the sea? Uh, no. And not on the tracks anymore, but it did used to be. Do that one. Yeah, but you still could. You just weren't meant to. The toilet still worked, didn't it?

When you're in the station. I thought they were like dumb. Yeah, they were like dumb, but it's still, you still could. What about on boats? Oh, the sewage ends up in the sea. Like the toilet is the sea. I wonder if they'd arrest you if you're pissing off the end of a boat. Where? Surely not. Like if you're like at sea, if you're on a P&O cruise and you're just stood on the fucking... The sea cat. Yeah, just stood pissing into the sea. Like hey you can't do that, why? I'm just... If anything that helps the environment because you're not using any energy with a flush. You're cutting off the middleman. Yeah. It ends

up in the sea anyway. No there's not, I mean the coast guard's not gonna take issue with that surely. Maybe it's against P&O policy. Please don't piss off the balcony. Onto the boat. Just shh. Onto the lower deck. Near enough to the sea, mate. It'll swash over soon enough. No, there's no respect for the sea.

You're allowed to do what you want to that dirty old girl. Yeah, you threw bin lad, didn't you? Ha ha ha ha. That's why I piss in the sea. If you can throw Ben Laden in the sea. I'll absolutely bladden on a pier, I'll create a piss in the sea. Hey mate, you can't do that, why? Ben Laden's in there somewhere. If you're allowed to throw Ben Laden, you're allowed to do a piss, I think that's a fact. It is mad that he's somewhere, isn't it?

If you believe all that. What do you mean? I think he's still out there, mate. Still in Fulham, the Bahamas, mate. Wouldn't they have said, wouldn't they have discredited the US by saying he's still alive, if he was alive? Unless he was a US asset all along. Yeah, he's living in Scottsdale, Arizona. Originally, he thanked the US, didn't he, for their help in the...

They funded him in the 80s? Yeah. In the crusades? In the Soviet Afghan War? Those crusaders, though, wasn't there? They were involved. Gays? What?

In the 14th century crusade? No, Google, Los Alam, Bin Laden, Crusaders. I think that might have been his gang name on Xbox. Yeah, this is Charlie Wilson's war. Yeah. Yeah. That was Omar. The states paid for the Afghani fight against the Russians.

Maybe, let's not. Let's not do that. Yeah. Yeah, that was it. What is it? No, he declared he declared war hard against the crusaders and the and and Jewish people. All right. I mean, that's not news guys that are some have been London like Jewish people. All the weapons. And then at the end, Sam Benlaw and thank you to America for helping me. And then 10 years later went actually, fuck you.

Yeah. So maybe he was a US asset. That's good thinking. Well, not the US, that's pissing me off. But he's like, right, that's just me and the kids now. Goodbye to your buildings. I think they destroyed. I think that was the equivalent of like-

Oh, it's on the what's up, babe? I'll inbox me. And 11 was his version of like bearing your ex's clothes. No, fuck yeah. Well, if we're not staying together, you're not having these undies. Today's guest went to school. We've been on. Oh shit. Yeah. Yeah. Well well maybe we should ask them. That's mad how we've got there, genuinely accidentally. It's not. Mad how we got to 9-11. Hang on, what about shitting in the sky? What about 9-11? No. He did go to school with Bin Laden though big Dom. We've spoken about it to him personally. Yeah, he doesn't like talking about it, does he? No, but we spoke about it as much as you.

We had to really... Talk about it when he comes in. But the way we've arranged getting Dom in today, he was part of a pilot we did for a TV show that we're working on. And he kept in touch and said, you should come and do the show. And we designed an entire section of the show, like a quiz around Bin Laden and the link into it was, you were just going to Bin Laden and we brought it up and you could see him being like, I've done so

much. I mean, why are we talking about this? Because I think I brought it up by saying like you were involved at 9-11. And he got his back up. Weird. He's touchy about that. Was that not one of his pranks? Hello, and then it's the World Trade Center. We literally did say you were involved in 9-11.

He went, what? And he went, you went to school, been lying. And he11. He went, what? And he went, you went to school, but lad, he went, oh, and then went, right, let's do the section then. And then took it well. It's a fucking miracle he's accepted the booking for today. You won't mention it. He's keen. You will. Is it in his research, has he?

Well, that he went to school with Osama Bin Laden, yeah. It's also in his research that his real name is Teddy Bear. He changed it legally, didn't he? I know all that, mate. Coming up. Right, well that's after, that's the third section. We've got another one of this. See you in about half an hour.

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God, this is a good podcast, isn't it? If you'd like even more of it, you should sign up at patreon.com slash have a word pod and become a lid. Join the lid army, nearly 30,000 knobheads cannot be wrong for as little as three pounds a month. You get an exclusive episode every Wednesday, early release of the public episode and all the back, blah, blah, blah.

What's your favorite one? See, I was doing really well talking. What's your favorite ever special? Special. What's yours? Favorite to watch. Just like all, all encompassing. Do you know the Bacon, the Bake Off special?

Master Baker's. Master Baker's was one of the first ones I actually sat down and watched with Laura. Really good. And I was like, we're making TV shows. And there's about a 40 other of them. The moment in that where I'm like, don't worry about that to you when everything goes wrong.

And the thing, judders. And you lose it is like, I've watched that clip so many times. All the lockings. And the rest of it. Yeah. At patreon.com slash have a word pod. Three quid.

And we're starting a new tier soon. Full details to come, but Dan will do a hand drawn painting for everyone who signs up. Why have you said that now? We have to really, we've got some big news coming up. How much is that? That is a thousand pounds a month.

That is a thousand pounds a month. And I'm brokering a deal. Cause my paint will be expensive. Brushes aren't free motherfuckers. Like you can fully customize the painting yourself. You can tell them exactly what you want. Hang on, you could, all right, I thought you meant they can draw over it.

You can customize any painting. I can just buy it and doodle on it. And if you paint it and you don't like it, you can ask them to do it again. Yeah. I've decided. You get two revisions. Two thousand pounds a month.

Two revisions. I've decided by the way, cause I was looking at some art for me new house and I'm just going to paint it all myself. Paint the house yourself or paint the art yourself? The art. Very specifically the art. In like a John Charles, like Carl did kind of way or like genuine paints. No, in an ADHD six year old way. I've got two pieces of art up in the house that I did. Yeah, that they're like splatters, aren't they? One of them is, yeah.

Yeah. What? The one from the art show, the one, my practice canvas. Adam bought and gave to Seneca for Christmas. And it's up on our bedroom. The one you did with John Charles? Yeah. The art special amongst many others.

I found your wife's art sold as well. I saw her moving out. Can't miss it. It's been gathering dust. In the loft. It's surely you don't go in the loft. You know what I mean? It would be gathering dust. There's not even a ladder anymore. No. Why are we talking about the loft over there? My wife's arse loft. You should never have a ladder to your wife. Like the old chest of drawers and we don't want to throw out for your kids. Also people do this with the kids. What do you mean? People like people like people like

I'm like Jack's age. They'll give their kid 10 canvases and the kid will paint the art that's on the walls. Yeah, but I'm not getting a fucking idiot kid to do it. I'm not even gonna- No, you don't want a kid, because you haven't got any. I had an idea for the painting, so I got Chuck GBC to give me a vibe of it, and I'm just gonna sort of copy that. Right, so you're doing a paint by numbers via AI.

Sort of, I mean, I'm just going to copy it by eye. Do you not want like a big like... Which one? Oh yeah, it's a nice one. It's a self-portrait. Oh yeah, it is a self-portrait in a way. Yeah, I thought so. I can't really see that. Is that just a silhouette? It is. Oh yeah, it is a self-portrait in a way. No, it's not.

Is that you? It's how I see meself. Oh god. Are they black? It's just dark. Easy. Darius Rooker. So you're painting a cowboy and saying it's you. Or just me. Or just print that one. When you put it like that it sounds fucking stupid. You don't need to chat GBT. Now kids, today imagine in the future what job do you want? Cowboy? Paint yourself as a cowboy? You're an astronaut. Your mum will put it on the wall.

Adam's like, I do that and I'm 30-fully. Look, I'm just going to do my own art to save money. Paint is cheaper than art. Well, not if you sign up to my tier. Yeah, you're right. Cheaper than art. Few quid for a bit of paint, bit of canvas, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush, brush on the wall.

There you go. People are like, how much was that? Seven grand? No, you're a film. I just went down Hobbycraft. Eleven quid. But the thing is, if you sell one, which you could because it's there for people, then your art is worth that, isn't it?

Also, is why the art industry is like, sort of gets scrutinized a lot, because a lot of Tories and fucking people who like... That's lots full of art. What? Come on. So here's how Tories get away with paying the taxes, using art, Right. Yeah.

What they do is they buy a piece of art. This is put in the office. This is the point of the office. Talking to his accountant again. That's not true. No, you don't need to be. That's just do art. Yeah, just spend eight million of money.

You never pay tax ever again. But here's how it works. Right. Get clued in, everyone. This is for again. But it is how it works, right? Get clued in everyone. This is for you, this is a PSA. I, you're an artist. I am, apparently I. I've got a tier to back me up. Right, and I buy a, like a painting off you

for like 20 quid, right? Yeah. Yeah. Then, you do another painting and you go to like some billionaire and you're like, hey, a favour here, we're doing a tax dodge. Do you know the billionaire? Does that allow you to say hello? Then, you sell that billionaire, your new Payton.

For how much? A million quid. A million pounds. Right. It's smart. It's a good investment. Oh my god, don't they think you're lying in the shrine? Okay, it's Geordie. Geordie billionaire. Go on. It's smart. It's a good investment. Oh my God, I have done the thing you're doing in the shrine. Okay, it's Geordie.

Geordie Billionaire, go on. It's Mike Ashley. Hello, mate. Now. Yeah. Because you're new painting. Yeah. It's all for a mill.

I then get mine reevaluated by an official art consultant. Can't move for them. It's job creation because they're dying for work. Just knocking their door. And they come in and go, all right, lad. And they go, fucking hell, class that. Is that an original?

That's it, girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know the? I've just seen one of them sold for like a million quid, Utu, it's just some Albanian billionaire. Right. And they go... They go... That was God himself.

They go, that's worth a million quid, that. Yeah. Like maybe more, because that's your area of work. That's the original. Yeah, this was last week, so nothing about inflation. I saw the print for the millionth. That's my favourite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then?

And then. Whatever the new value is. That's how Tories then get tax relief. They get it on the new value. So you buy a patent for 20 quid, speak to your little fucking billionaire. Hello, mid. It's Peter Dinklage. He's just piling up art so he can answer the phone. Basically you buy a painting for 20 quid you get a million quid off your taxes.

Is that why you're doing it? And you know what would be great about that is you've been worried about what you're going to do with your little Albanian billionaire mate. You're like he wants to help. What is in it for that guy, the billionaire? Why is he buying a million billion? It's not it's not no skin off his nose. He's a billionaire a million pounds for a friend. There's not right then, you know, there's under and ways you can sort them out. You know, I don't know about that.

But yeah, it trouble involves meat. Whatever your job is, you do for them. So like say you're like an accountant, or no, not an accountant, you wouldn't be doing this. Like a painter. You're the painter, so you'd be selling that for a million quid, but then I, landscape is gone. Three.

Really? Fucking hell, mate. I will never pay tax ever again. Two free tickets to the CCC. I'm just saying that's how the rich get away with it. They buy patents for 20 quid, white billions off their taxes. Have you been drinking tapes in the break Adam? I think it might be jet lag, you know.

I was thinking during the middle of that. I was like, what's going on here? Yeah, I think you should fly him up. So that's it guys. Tax 101. With a sober pissed Adam Rowe. Is that why you're doing it? Is that why you're going to paint your own art?

No, because that wouldn't make any sense. I have to sell it to myself. You can't do that. And then HMRC will be like a rash. I'm open. Eventually if people see the art in my house, it's like fucking hard love an original row and then I'll start selling them for 30 quid. Well, I've got, we know why you've got so gel. We know you've got turns out it's fucking

profitable. Well, I've got a. Turns out it's fucking profitable. Well, I've got a job. Adam got me a John Charles for Christmas. Oh, was it four years ago? Japan? Was it? Adam and but he paid X amount, but now John is fucking smashing the game.

So have you had it reevaluated? New ones are worth more than X amount. So maybe I can get that reevaluated and you could. And what would you do then? Lead you to the kitchen What would you do? So when a guy comes over and goes oh lad I don't know what he paid for that but that's worth twice that's worth ten grand you're like oh nice I'm what you gonna do then?

Sell it to him Oh Smart He comes in he's like, that's where 40 mil now. And you go, right, well, I'll give you, give you for 25. Fucking hell, the savings. And you live off the interest. Nice. Yeah. I'm going to start paying my own art or something. You're good at it, annoyingly, because you're good at everything. Yeah, but my wife's arsehole was my inspiration and it's always been my muse, you know? It's very easy when you're impassioned about something.

What about when you painted me? Yeah, but again, you've got a phenomenal arsehole. I mean, it's not got ladders up to it, but one day. Ha ha ha ha. You're going to do your own paneling? No, the paneling's already fucking done. Yeah. Someone actually screenshotted you when you were like, I'm looking for a panel. He No, the paneling's already fucking done. Someone actually screen-shotted you and you were like,

I'm looking for a panel. He's like, ah, fucking hell, Dan. Look, he's not going to do his own paneling. Nothing's going to happen, mate. I wanted to do my own paneling. I just didn't have time. I could have done it. Before the great panel crash.

It's all that expensive now. I could have done it this week. Had to be done last week. Well, you want to get panels now in this climate. How's the house looking? And now it's time for Adam's house. Getting there. You went away, came back, and it's finished.

No. I reckon it'll be done by the end of August. It's less finished than when he went away. Yeah. When you go into Nashville, you come back, you've got a new house. Panel's the lot. No. you've misunderstood the timeline there. Right, right, right. My bedrooms are nearly done.

The panelling is done. Yeah. I've seen to. Panelling's done. Did you go and check on it like a foreman? Yeah. I was going around taking updating videos. But, but they love you.

Yeah, I reckon the end of August I'll have a garden. You've got a garden now? A garden garden. The garden you want. I'm three years in and I'm still saying, I mean I'm doing things but in a much slower timeline than you. Is a house ever finished? No, that's what they say, innit? A house is but a home isn't.

Beautiful. Thanks. Because now... Chop that down, I down, I know that's a lyric. We're about to finish stuff and the things we did first, do you want to update? Yes, I don't want that. I want it all done now. I'll live in that for a bit and I'll do it all again in a year. How big is your fucking house? Like the fourth bridge? You've got to start painting it again. So now I want the bathroom doing, but now I'm like I want to repaint the living room because we've had that for a couple of years now. Let's change it up a bit. So it is just a constant. No, it's not. Yeah, I'm like, no, we're not doing anything else. It's fucking done.

We retire in this house. That's that's the stance I take with Laura. You never got a decorated ever again. The first time around, we got a decorator in, she chose the colors and now she'll die with those colors. That's how that works. Blue. In my head your house is blue. The living room is, yeah. It's like a dark green. I thought it was blue.

The couch is blue. That's what it is. That's what it is. You see it as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just see blue. I saw the deep royal blue on the wall, but it's not. My hallway's blue as fuck, mate. Is it all blue? Wouldn't be having that's not. It's the couch. My hallway's blue as fuck, mate.

Is it all blue? Wouldn't be having that, mate. It's like a Christmas tree. Donald Cooman. Blue and white it is, isn't it? Blue and white. Blue and white, shite. Hello, hello.

That's what I say every time I walk in here. It's a nice cool color for what will be a very warm hallway. Yeah, cause you've got 26 lamps in there. For Zola's song. I call it the world, I can't in there on the floor on your face piece of laminate as you walk in it looks like a dog you're like like the way the knots are it looks like a little dog every time I walk in I see it and I think there's a dog there right you'll see it now shall we do? Yeah. I'm building my own radio to cause.

Oh, I got, no we shan't. Shall we? No we shan't. Then you buy some. It doesn't fit. So I'm going to make a custom one. Did you have a fire? Did you burn it?

It just doesn't, like it's too big or too small or something so I've got to make my own. How's life in Teak? Huh? How's your teak? It's all bubble wrapped, when I bubble wrap, cling filmed. Right. I cling filmed it before I went away. Keep it fresh. Yeah, like the biggest load of fucking skunk ever.

Yeah. Skunk? Sure. No hang on. Sure dad, drugs, drugs, drugs, humor. I have radiator covers, eh? Mad. Shall we do some?

If I make it myself I can call it a carna. Colin Wiseman says Question for you boys. One million pounds is deposited into your bank account after you and your dog have switched bodies for a week. You'll have all your mental capabilities but inside your dog's body. You won't be able to talk or explain the situation to anyone. Your dog

inside your body will be able to go outside. After a week you'll go back into your own body. Do you take it or leave it? And that's from Colin Wyles. All the dogs I've ever had, they're either dead or living with me exes. I don't like the idea of that. So you're getting- Country song. Like all me exes live in Texas. All my dogs are either dead or living with my exes. For a million pounds, be a dog for a week.

One million pounds. I think the risk is that Wallace is in your body. That might be... Oh, he's got some questionable ideas as well, Wallace. Can Wallace talk? Nobody doesn't know how to talk. So he'll go, No!

So it'll just be Carl walking around, like it'll be Wallace trying to bark but using your vocal cords But he'll be sharp But he can bark, can't he? Carl can bark? Yeah But he bark at people You know what I mean?

Yeah, demographics Is it fair to say that Wallace as a human would end up in an HR meeting pretty quick? Yeah. HR meeting? What? At this company? If he was a park and all we'd immediately go, ah, Wallace can swap bodies. This is a million pound reform. He would get me in trouble. Get me cancelled. He only likes certain people. I think that it's the lack of talking that's

going to do you before that. We'd be worried about you. How would he get here? That's a good point. If car honestly, if this switch happens and Carl's in here barking, I've got so many questions about Wallace. Like, is he driven in and parked up in the Coug Park? Oh, so we do just all know. We go, right, they've swapped. We've accepted this is the- No, no one knows. No one knows.

But how would Carl be here if Wallace- I think now that we've done this question, we'd get onto it, but before this question. Yeah. You go, that thing we spoke about, Carl just- I think it'd be a great week as a dog. A mill, I'd do most things for the mill and be Wallace for the week, yeah.

What a life. Yeah. He just sleeps all day and shits and he- Just gets to hang around with fucking Julia. Sits on his backside, chases a ball if he can be bothered. Yeah, great. What a life. But you're just out-

What more than that does Carl do? I don't sit with Julia very often. He's just a different lady, isn't he? No, he's playing with Julia. Just hearing her laugh. Sophie! Yeah, I fucking um, a dog's life is a shame isn't it? Like it's a good thing? No, no that's the opposite.

Not just for Christmas as well. What is it? A dog's life is a bad thing. Is it? I thought he was just chilled and he gets to fucking... Make cats get the best deal. A dog's life is a bad thing. Is it? Yeah. Just chilled and he gets to fucking make cats get the best deal. Don't have to walk anywhere. They don't have to do anything they don't want.

That's that is if you're going to do a transfer, you know, the experts, I can catch when they sneak off. A lot of them are going to like cat gang bangs. Yeah. I've had party parties in the park. You can get the branded Sam Fender can headline that made they go out. I mean, my house cap, but they go out and fucking fight and also import a little like a tracker on theirs, didn't it? And just you could see on a map how far they went and like out into the night.

Fucking that's just like ninjas. Yeah, going out. I saw it. I saw it. I was shagging. They've got like, there's like neighborhoods have like, um, leaderboards for their cats, like who's cats doing the most shit. So you can have like a competitive cat that's going the furthest. I know I'm about to move into a new neighborhood, but if that gets put in like the WhatsApp group that I'm getting out of too, I'm just not going to be happy about that. Are you letting yourself be added to the WhatsApp? You've got to.

There's a neighbourhood WhatsApp group, yeah. It's a neighbourhood watch. I'm gonna be part of a neighbourhood watch. What? What do you mean? Have you not got like a street WhatsApp? Oh, we've fucked. Oh, I didn't say what happened to me, did I? Someone stole me wheelie bin.

Whoa. Jesus. Did that fat come from one street over, or what? Probably. Came out, half six six Tuesday morning bins, no bin. And I'm like, oh, someone's just moved it somewhere. So I went up and down the road looking in everyone's bins, because I had thrown something in here that I would recognise. Hang on, they've thrown you, they've taken your bins not on bin day. They've actually just mid-week. Someone's stolen my bin. Oh my God. Stolen me bin. Not on bin day?

As in like, so the day before bin day, Monday, I put my Santa Dash outfit in the bin on the top. So I knew that was my bin. Come out the next morning, bin's gone. The bin bin I've been bin yet, it's only half six in the morning. Bin's gone. Looking up and down, it's not there.

Got no bin, someone stole my bin. 25 quid new bin. Is that not why people stick stickers on the bins though? It's still stealable isn't it? It takes to stick off. Yeah, or it's just got a number on it. Someone said that, put a number on it. I was like, what's that going to do?

So yeah, someone stole my bin. Well the sticker thing isn't for theft, it's for just the organisation. You know when the bin men come in, they're like, right, I'll empty this, and then they just fuck it back anyway, They're not asked. So it's usually just to be like, Oh, hang on. That's mine. That's yours. Should paint nonce on your own bin. No one wants that.

Smart. Why don't they want it? Because they don't want everyone to think they're a nonce. So why do I want it? Because you've still got your bin. You've still got your bin. What's more important? You know you're not a nonce. You know in your heart you're not a nonce. Yeah. When people are like, oh, what's going on here, mate? Have you been nonsens? Is that what someone's doing? You go, no.

Don't want anyone to steal me bin. It's foolproof. 25 British pounds for a new bin. Or you could have nicked someone else. I thought. You can't be that guy. I don't want to be that guy. Because then.

Have you got any suspicions about who it is? None. Because I live halfway down the road. So if you're trying to steal bins for nefarious reasons, you'd take it from the start, wouldn't you? It's weird. Don't know. 25.

Yeah, but that's what they want you to think. Who? The man. No, if you want to steal a bin, steal the easiest bin. Why have you walked halfway down the road to steal my bin and fuck off? Because then you think they wouldn't make the effort to go halfway down the road? But why would that matter? So you don't get suspicious?

Of who? Of the man who stole your bin. Or woman. He is suspicious though, isn't he? Because his bin's been stolen. I'm just saying, neighborhood watch, it's fucking good being it. Is that for bins though? It's for the whole ting. It has been this week in Card.

Guys, just to let you know, there's a bin thief. You're close that you live in. Stinks of neighborhood watch stones. Never a close. It's never been a close. It's got that shape on it. It's not a cul-de-sac. You think I live a cul-de-sac life.

You can drive out the other end. You do live in a close though. It's not. A loop. Yeah, OK. I know what you mean. It's not it's a loop. Yeah. Okay. I know you mean yeah Yeah, all right. Yeah. Yeah fair enough. Yeah Stinks of it done it. Yeah, and you're is the one and you're just not in it Now you're making me think there's a what's our group that I'm not part of it's cuz they wrote nonce on his bin

It's no one else dealer, maybe you should start one down and not invite Martin I At least no one will steal it. Maybe you should start one down and not invite Martin. I don't want to be in any WhatsApp groups ever again. What if there's a terror attack on your street? And a WhatsApp group's going to be a big help there, is it? What if you're out when it happens? Right. And I won't hear about it.

A plane flies into your house, you don't find out until you get home from Bermuda. Because you've done all of it with the kids. Because I'm in Bermuda. The plane swapped places with you on holiday with the kids. Cause I'm in Bermuda. The plane swap places with you, went through the triangle. I've only been in the WhatsApp group. I would have found out about the plane hitting my house while I was in Bermuda.

I always think. I'm just saying in a situation like that, time is of the essence. I always think of my house. But it is, if my house is on fire. Say my house, say I leave and my house is on fire. Right. And someone goes, fuck, my house is on fire, say I leave and my house is on fire. And someone goes, fuck, that house is on fire. And they text me, go, Lads, your house is on fire.

I'd know to be able to get back. Otherwise they just watch me house burn down. Right. So that's the benefit of a WhatsApp group. But apart from your house is on fire and there's a terrorist attack and a plane has flown into my house, isn't it mainly just people going, where was it? Something's happened. Could anyone watch out for a package?

Yeah. Bore off. That'd be you. I hate that stuff. Couldn't give a fuck mate. I got a delivery before, didn't I? So I got a phone call. I was in the WhatsApp group.

Hey Billy, take me fucking candles in there. By the way, on the fire thing, my missus loves a candle. I ate candles personally. I like them when they're on, but you know, the smell of us are blown out candle knocks me sick. That's the best smell. Isn't you a pair of fucking kiddy fiddling cunts. It's just cause you've been reading my bit. The other day she had one on in the bathroom and then we were going to the shop and she went, oh make sure you blow the candle out. And I was like, why? She was like,

what if it sets the house on fire? It's in the bathroom by the way, which is not inflammable and it's all just like tile surfaces. I was like, why have you left it on while we were in the house then? She was like, because we're here then, aren't we? I was like, but if this house goes on fire, I don't want to be in it. I'd rather be in Tesco. So I'd light the candle and go out. Yeah. Hang on. If the house goes on fire, you don't want to be in it. I mean, there is a period with the fire where it's pretty manageable early on, but you don't want to be in it I mean there is a period with the fire where it's pretty manageable early on but you don't want to take that risk depends

what sort of reagent is being used I Honestly, I think we were using reagent today No, I want to be in the house if there's a fire It's mad to leave a candle on in a bathroom and just wander off surely like I get it women why women love having a candle on during a bath yeah had she had a bath or was this for your shit? uh one of the two she in the bath I think she's a giant if Serec could light a candle then leave the room permanently

I go what are you doing why what do you think's gonna happen? Candles don't just explode. No, of course they don't. They have some pretty fancy candles. But the likelihood of having a fire when there's a little fire in the room is higher than when there's no little fire in the room. Is there a good point? I don't agree.

It's just the fact. Adam. Adam. I don't agree. If there's already a little amount of fire, you are closer to having a bigger fire. If there's a candle fire in your house with no lit candles, yeah, mad.

But if some of them are lit, you'd be like, that was it. Those self-combusting candles are a fucker for that. Yeah, if she leaves the room, like, just blow the candle out. No, just leave it on so it smells nice. You don't have to be in the room while the candle's on. Candles don't just like, aah! It just doesn't happen, does it? Row when candles do.

If you have a cat, surely you can't be leaving. Like if you've got a cat, is that fair to say? I've got a cat, he loves the candles. What does he do to them? He like walks up to them and puts like... Is he trying to kill himself? He walks up to them and sets himself on fire. Like a Buddhist monk in Vietnam. He doesn't to him and sets himself on fire like a Buddhist monk in Vietnam. He doesn't touch them. What's he protesting? He likes to like bathe in their

glow, shall we say. But he knows not to touch them because it's fire. But a cat could knock over a candle and then woof. There's the dog as well. If the cat knocks over the candle and there's woof, that's the dog. That's a similar joke to mine, but not as good. I'll say what you're going for. Cheers, Dan. You're welcome. Love you.

What was the question? I love you. I don't know. It was a little shite. Jack Reece says, wag wag. Question. Would you rather be able to control the temperature of any room that you're in or the volume of any room you're in. Temperature.

You already can do though. No, because when you're at the beginning... Whoa, what? What? I meant like this room. That's not what I said though. No, most rooms you can. No, you can't.

And you can control your temperature. You can just like... No, you can't control your temperature. You can, you can take your pullover off. Oh, you can just like... No, bollocks. You can't control your temperature. You can, you can take your pullover off. Or your cardigan. You can control it to a degree. Sorry, yeah. Take your pullover off and your cardigan.

Just get bollocked. Also with you, is if you can control the loudness, the audio, you can just crank it for one of your shows, smash it, you're in the arena and you blow the roof off. Right, I don't need to, mate. I don't need loudness. Naturally. If I look at it, I turn them down. Fuckin blow the roof off. Don't need to mate. Yeah, don't need lot. Just do it naturally. If I looked at it I'd turn him down.

It's a limit to decimals. It's great being a comedian but my ears hurt from all this fucking screaming laughing. Alright guys, I know I'm good but you're hurting me fucking ears. Temperature. Mate, you just go, I wish I'd aircon in my house. That's one thing if I ever get like... I already looked into the price of aircon on a full home in the UK. If I ever get Dan rich mate had aircon in my house. That's one thing if I ever get like- I already looked into the price of aircon on a full home in the UK. If I ever get Dan Rich made aircon.

Wait, how often are you in a room where you're like, Joe, I wish I could control the temperature of this room. In winter, you can turn the heating on. So you were already doing that. How many days in a year is it baking hot in your living room where you can't- No, but I like to be able to put it like even in a hotel room i'm like i like to be at 80 oh my god controlling sound would be

unbelievable on a flight where everyone's being a knob just turn it down train room bang yeah it's a flying room in it it's a flying room temperature don't are, I want air economy out. I want just an air, did you check? It's kind of expensive in the UK. It's between three and 15K. My brother's got it. Has he? Yeah. Cause obviously we've got like the temperature

we can warm it up with the heating, but me to be able to cool it down would be- You've got to have that. You can just go around and fuck up saunas. It's going to and fuck up. I want this to be nice to him actually. Personally I'm going temperature. Sound.

But you've got kids so audio works for you. I'd love to turn them off. That sounded like a threat. Turn them down. Terminate them. Hey! Fuck it, I can turn you off. Is yours audio? as a musician?

Yeah, I'd like to make gigs louder. Oh yeah, of course. Why? Because they're too loud. No they're not. Gigs are loud. Your gig in wherever it was was too loud. No, it should have been even louder.

Where was that? Jack Baltic. I couldn't hear that though. I had my monitors in. I had to go and have a break. On the left. Yeah. Yeah, that was dead loud. I had to go and have a break. On the left. Yeah? Yeah, that was dead loud.

I had to go and have a little break. Yeah, but other gigs, arena gigs are never loud enough. Sam Fender gigs, turn them down. Fucking hell, mate. My mate Matt went to the, what's West Toms Ground called? The London Stadium. The London Stadium. Said it was absolutely incredible.

The Bunda Stadium, that's what he called, isn't it? That's seven different, mate. He's doing well though. 75 000 people in. For the fender bender. Of course he's headline on the moon next week. Biggest artists on planet earth. All them songs. One of them he's in the top one percent. Of all artists. Is Finn in that category? No. So you think he's in okay I'm not going to get involved. Top 1% of all the artists in the world.

Well, maybe actually. He's just played to 75,000 people. I'm not getting into this argument again. I'm a big Sam Fender fan. I think he's great. Do you think more than one in 100 artists can headline stadiums? No. He's top 1%.

He's phenomenal. When's he on next? Why are we here? i'm not listening to sam fender come on if we get tickets would you go yeah i don't mind them i'm just gonna die on this hill now it's the same as my jammer she's a moose once you once you're on a hill, there's no point coming off it. People send me, lad, you don't understand. I'm like, he's shy. Honestly, boys, you need to do what I do.

Just pick a new hill every week and just say it's the hill you've always been on. Sam Fender is a totally reasonable artist who I'd never choose to buy tickets to, but well done for doing it if you do. You did choose to buy tickets to him? No, I didn't. I wanted to go and see blossoms.

Yeah, and my jam is fine. If you're blind. I think I was gonna say something else. Stupid, I don't know how she smells. Quick one before we end this section. Saturday the 21st of June, it's the Comedians Club Chester, my comedy club in Chester, one of the most popular gigs on the circuit with comics.

Punters love it. Carl Donnelly is closing. We've got Hayley Ellis and Will Duggan in the middle. There's no show in July. August is already sold out, so this is your chance to come and see My Lovely Comedy Club. Anything to club? Who's on in August?

Jamie's closing in August, and that sold out quickity quick. And then in the autumn, we've got someone else I haven't told anyone about. It's Harry. What am I on? It's Adam, October. Oh class. It's that slightly worrying 26th June I've got Hot Water, Adam Rowan friends I think the early show sold out but the late show's got tickets 19th of July same. And Adam and I are doing a half-and-half in Sheffield on Monday the 23rd of June.

The Lead Mill is closing for good. It's a real shame it's an amazing room. It is going to go bye bye. The early show is sold out. There is a late show that starts about. No more Lead Mill. We do it one more time. Two more times before it got. Why is it going? Because I know it's been like a bit of a- The landlords have just gone. It's been a couple of years. Isn't it not going? Been a couple of years, hasn't it? Like the fight in the court.

Was maybe not going, and then they've got told it's definitely going. Oh, right, okay. Monday the 23rd of June, we put a show on, it sold out straight away. It's a late show that sold about two thirds already. So come and see us. Tickets at Leadmill.com something. You do the work. Just google it. It's dead easy. That is a shame. Also I'm streaming now at

Sensei Carl on the score everywhere. Come and watch me Sundays and through the week. Daytimes, Sunday evenings. Sundays and through the week. Sunday evenings and then in the week, in the days, sporadically. Where do we find you? At SenseiCarl on the score on YouTube and Twitch. All right, everyone, enjoy the break. Enjoy Dom Jolly. Hello, everyone. Time to tell you about my absolute favourite sponsor.

It's Sayly. Now, don't want to contradict what I've just said, but Carl, what is Salie? It should be your favourite sponsor because it makes travelling that much easier. God, and I travel loads. You do travel. We travel with the podcast. You know what? We use this in India. And I don't think you did and you missed out. No, I basically waited until I had Wi-Fi at the hotels, which meant I was going the whole day

without once using my phone. Which you can't do sometimes if you're abroad. So what happens is you go to a country where their network is in same prices. You download Sali, you download an eSIM for that country and then you pay very reasonable prices for very good data plans. And so hang on, you could use your phone and you could just check Instagram

while we were cycling around India. Yeah, it's just data abroad at a really good price. They do loads of different packages, all dead cheap and it's all like there's no not on physical. It's all just downloaded. Oh wow. Dead easy. And it's boss. We use it for India. You didn't and you missed out. I did. 15% off your first purchase in the app or at saley.com slash have a word. The code is have a word for 15% off.

I mean, it's genuinely like, what's the word? Invaluable. Does it work in the say shows? It'll work in the say shows. Interesting. Saley. Hey! Well, this is cool. Dom Jolly's here ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you very much for coming in. It's great. And shake it. We're- Liverpool for a bit, so it's great. Do you like Liverpool as a city? I do very much like Liverpool as a city. Well, I'm not gonna say no, am I? Like, what am I doing here?

I just know that you've basically immediately got here and then gone to New Brighton. Well, no, I was just saying last time I was here and I forgot that I shouldn't mention New Bright when I'm in Liverpool, but I was doing the floral pavilion and I came out and it was quite a long way into a tour and it's just so annoying when you come out, you just fancy a drink afterwards. And I had one look at New Bright, no offense, and I thought I'm going to get viciously stabbed here. There's

no way. And I said, where should I go for drinks? Anywhere open? They said, well, there's a place around the corner might be. And I thought it's going to be a nightmare. We weren't around the corner. It was just totally out of context street. It's sort of slightly gentrified, but it was sort of based around a bar, pub, music store. And we went in, everyone was just playing guitars. It was kind of like what I expected. Liverpool to have been like that in the 60s, just kids playing guitars.

Everyone seemed to be in a band. I was recognized, which was very exciting. So we got free drinks, lock into four in the morning., just kids playing guitars. Everyone seemed to be in a band. I was recognized, which was very exciting. So we got free drinks, lock in till four in the morning. It was fucking amazing. So yeah, definitely go back there. This is New Brighton. Yeah, it's New Brighton. That's all happening in New Brighton.

I was popping off in New Brighton. Well, I know you guys don't seem to like New Brighton, but I just want to say thank you for that evening, whoever you were, because it was amazing. Oh, you didn't even get names. You just wandered back into the night. I did, but I can't fucking remember. Of course, of course. It's not that we don't like New Brighton, it's just we think we're better than New Brighton. We probably are, but there is like two buildings in New Brighton that's coming up.

Like the Whiddle's great to go and visit. Park Gate on the Whiddle is, if you're ever back in the area, go to Park Gate on a sunny day. There's the best fish and chip shop, I think, in the country on Park Gates. And then there's some great pubs near that. But what you do is you go, you have a pint before your fish and chips. You'd have your fish and chips, you'd have one more pint. And then you drive home because you're still under the legal limit and you're full of fish and chips. He's worried about zombies. Once it goes dark, it gets dangerous around there.

I can see that a little bit. Because I think last time I went there, I went up to Crosby as well to see those statues and that's very zombie-like. Crosby's nice. Yeah but you know there's the Anthony Gormley Ironmen and stuff that's a little bit sort of zombie-esque. There's a statue of Ironman in Crosby. There's the metal man from Danny Jr's from Cosby. There's about 100 men standing, not real men, but so-

I know what you mean. The Iron Fellas. Yeah, I remember the first time I saw that, I'd not been told about it and it just freaked me out. I was like, what are all those fellas doing on the beach? Because my cousin lives near there. So she'd just had a baby. So I'd gone up to see the baby and then I went past the beach

and I was like, fucking hell, there's a million fellas over there. Yeah. I thought it was like a cult. Cockle picking. Yeah. No, maybe not. Oh, Jesus. You do it on tour? Yeah.

Are you touring loads? Was this recently? This was, I don't know, about three years ago. I do it, yeah, I tour. I mean, I'm not, I'm this weird thing because I started on telly and I never did stand-up. I've never done stand-up. And then I kind of realized that live is something I had to do, but I really, I feared it. I can crawl across a road dressed as a snail or do all the sort of weird things I've done in my TV shows, but just standing out on stage saying, hello, I'm Dom Jolly, that was a really terrifying thing.

So I was known as a comedian, but I didn't do comedy. And also, I kind of got really good at what I did on telly. And just like I don't want stand ups suddenly jumping into hidden camera, I thought it was a bit cheeky to try and be a stand up. But because I write books, and I've written 10 books now, I write weird travel books.

I go off around the world to, I've been to 108 countries. I've been to North Korea, Chernobyl, skiing in Iran, like all sorts of weird stuff. And when I finish my books, I have to tour them. And book tours are so boring. I mean, there's a reason people write books normally is because they're just shit as talkers.

And so book tours tend to be sort of standing there reading for the book. And I thought I didn't want to do that. So I started making shows around my book. So I call it Extreme PowerPoint, which is not a great selling point. But basically when I'm doing my books and I'm off, I walk across Lebanon or I go monster hunting in the Congo, I film stuff a great selling point. But basically, when I'm doing my books, and I'm off, I walk across Lebanon, or

I go monster hunting in the Congo, I film stuff, I take photos, monster hunting in the Congo. Yeah, I wrote a book called scary monsters. And I went off, basically hunting monsters. But you know, like the Bigfoot Yeti, I went to the Himalayas, I went to the Congo, there was a basic flaw in the problem in the thing, because actually, if I had found, let's just say I'd have come back and said, you won't fucking believe it, but I found Bigfoot. Everyone go, what, Dom Jolly, Trigger Happy TV, prankster, you found Bigfoot.

That's you in a fucking costume. So it would have been a nightmare, so I didn't find anything. But it was more about going after the sort of people that get obsessed with it. There are people just living. There's a guy on Lot Ness. When we were making Trigger Happy, actually, we went up to film some stuff around Lot Ness. And there's a guy who'd given up his whole life,

he'd become obsessed with Nessie. And he'd set up in a caravan at the edge of the loch. And he's got all his cameras trained on the loch. And he makes his living just by making little clay figurines. So we went to the pub, waited till the lights went out in his caravan and we had massive Nessie footprints

and we just went and put them all the way around his caravan. I still feel a bit bad for it. For those of you, Trighappity TV, as I said to you when we met a couple of weeks ago, big part of my childhood and sort of growing up and watching it on TV. There might be some of our listeners who are a bit younger

who maybe missed it and stuff. I'm sure they're all right. It was just 25 years old this year. So yeah, I mean, who is this old cunt? How old are you, Finn? 26. Wow. Jesus Christ. All right, yeah.

Well, I was really funny when you were one. But it was really ahead of its time. Now, like the internet now has so much, like I feel like Trigger Happy TV preempted what was coming so much. I think Trigger Happy TV was a kind of, I hate analysing my own stuff, but I've had to because people talk about it. I think it was a fulcrum.

It was a moment between old TV and YouTube and everything has happened since. But also with hidden camera. If you think about hidden camera, which is pranks, but I hate the word pranks because pranks are done by wankers frankly with not much imagination and they fake a lot of it. Whereas Trig Happy was never faked and Trig Happy always had slight ambition to be arty

and weird and I think when I grew up, I really was obsessed with reality. I loved documentaries and I loved hidden camera. But hidden camera, early, early candy camera, which is the godfather of it all, was really good. Like in the 60s, it was really weird and surreal. And then candy camera got really lazy and just all about golf and it was boring.

When I was growing up, we had shit like Beadles About and Game For A Laugh and it was like Saturday night fodder and Hidden Camera was what? Beadles About was fucking great. I hated Beadles About. I love it. Yeah, but I was a kid. But I was a kid.

I was a kid as well, but out of brain, I just hated it. No, it was. There were bits in Beadles About, but my problem is, in comedy, Hidden Camera was like the lowest rung. Like if you- Oh yeah, oh yeah, it's Jeremy Beaver. In comedy you do stand-up, you write sitcoms and stuff. Hidden camera, like fuck, you know, for absolute idiots. And I really loved it, but I thought it was being done wrong.

And so it wasn't that there was a massive play on my trigger, but Trigger Happy, I thought that's what I want to do, but I want to make it cool and just make me laugh. And I don't want a studio element, and I don't want to do something and then go, here you are. Look, we had the cameras. I just want to take the cheese out of it. But the one lucky thing that happened to me was just as I was sort of got to that stage, I was going to do it. A camera got invented because before a year before Trig Happy was made to make Trig Happy, I would have had to hire a crew, like, you know, proper cameraman, sound man, they'd all have been 50 years old, all wanted to just go off and have

lunch and couldn't have done it. And suddenly this camera got invented called the Sony VX1000. And it's looking back, we thought it was just like the state of the art, and we bought it for a grand and then we rented it back to Channel 4. But it meant now looking back, the quality is shit, but it was good enough quality to get on telly and it meant we could just go off and we rented it back to channel four. But it meant now looking back at the quality is shit, but it was good enough quality to get on telly. And it meant we could just go off and we didn't have to rely on anything. And we just filmed and filmed and filmed for nine months.

When I'm coming in here, there's a sort of vibe to what we had. We had our own office. We just, we did all the things. We had a fridge in it. We had a pinball machine. You know, we do. By the way, that fridge is new.

And we're so happy. I love your fridge. I'm so chuffed you've new and we're so happy. I love your fridge. I'm so chuffed you've noticed the fridge. But I love your fridge. But we just set up and we just thought this is it. Like we're going to do our own thing. And you didn't have producers coming in going, no, you can't do. Did you film, do the whole nine months and then edit it and then show it? And this is what's weird.

It's exactly what happened. So we kind of, we did it. So there was a thing called a comedy lab and Channel 4 said, do you want to make a half hour pilot? And if we like it, you know, we're trying to get new comedians to do stuff. And so I said, I don't want to make a half an hour because I haven't got half an hour. I want to make 15 minutes and I want to make it the tightest 15 minutes ever. So they split it and they gave the other 15 minutes to someone else. Can't remember who he is because he didn't get anywhere.

And we put it in and it was tight as fuck. The very first thing we did, and I love this, is so this kind of sums up what Trigger Happy was about because I've just because we're doing these live shows that we're probably going to talk about. I found all the old rushes and we're going to show some of old rushes and stuff. But we found the rushes to the pilot and the pilot I could see we had no idea what we were doing but it was like the building blocks to Trig Happy and almost the very first thing we ever filmed, again you're so young, you're not going to know this, this is going to be so back, but there was a TV, there was a children's TV programme in the 70s called The Wombles,

right? Are we aware of the Wombles at least? Yes, oh yeah. Now the Wombles were these big, weird, furry creatures and they used to play, they used to play, they used to have albums, you know, underground, overground, Wumbling Free. And their whole deal was that they were these creatures that lived on Wimbledon Common, and they cleaned up rubbish. So I thought, I want a Wumble who's having

a nervous breakdown, and he's littering and throwing stuff at kids on Wimbledon Common. So I thought, that's what we're gonna do. So first thing we tried to do is get a Wumble, and we couldn't, because the Wumble's a trademark, so we ended up So first thing we tried to do is get a Womble and we couldn't because the Womble is a trademark. So we ended up with a Wimble, which looked like a Womble costume of a nervous breakdown. And then we just went on Wimbledon Common

and started throwing trash around and stuff. So I've watched all that and that was really funny. So we did that. We got the Trigger Happy series. And then they just, they gave us a million quid basically and said, off you go. So we did. And because million quid goes a long way when go. So we did and because million quid

goes a long way when it's just you and me it's not like paying for all these different people. Yeah when you've got a thousand pound camera. Yeah yeah yeah we just filmed and filmed and filmed and we had such a like we did so much rubbish but also occasionally genius and then we'd be really bad at getting things signed you have to get consent every time. We got quite good with that there's you know quite a lot of consent forms signed by a man called Michael Mouse. We'd occasionally, anyway, we got better and better. And then finally we got in the edit

and Trigger Happy was all about the edit. Spent four months in the edit. I was choosing music that I really wanted to put on. We were the first comedy show with a soundtrack when we went in with it. It's a very sad, weird, indie soundtrack. And when I went to Channel 4 with it, they said, we've never had a comedy show, the soundtrack.

Look, we got to do a focus group. So 10 very depressing Essex women, not because they were from Essex, but just didn't get my music. I was watching through the glass and they were going, yeah, it's funny, but music's sad, isn't it? Like that, and they wanted cartoon music. So all this was like, fuck, I don't know what.

And then we handed it in and it went out on Friday night between Friends and Frasier and it literally just went mental and we sold it to 80. That's some fucking spot. It was incredible. But I didn't, but it was the first thing I'd ever done. Yeah. And it was like, you didn't realise how big it was getting.

And it was just- And did it sell around the world immediately? Yeah, I sold it to 80 countries. It was amazing. It was crazy, yeah. Was North Korea one was crazy. Was North Korea one of them? Huh? Was North Korea one of them? North Korea, I think, was the only place pretty much.

We didn't. One of the big problems, though, was Trig Happy was all about the music. I made it. I edited it so that almost it was like a sort of one of those albums when you're totally stoned. You just can't overly produce. You can't take your... You just don't want to take it off.

It's got to just go like that. I didn't want anyone to have a moment to go, this is shit, should we change the channel? But when it got sold abroad, the music, we had a blanket, which meant we could use any music anywhere. But when we sold it abroad, we had to suddenly pay for that music. So even the title sequence, the title track, which was Elastica's Connection was going to cost me like 80 grand. So we had to make a sound alikealike, which was terrible because most people edit their shows

and then drop the music on. I edited to the music, so I'd choose a track I wanted to use and then I'd extend the joke and stuff. So you couldn't just drop stuff on it. So the rest of the world never saw Trig App as it was. Germany paid for the whole thing, but that was it. And then I resisted selling it to America for ages because I didn't want it to go to America with the shit soundtrack MTV

wants to buy I said no and then finally I gave up because I was moving on so I sold it to Comedy Central so America it did really well but America never saw it with the proper soundtrack they then commissioned two American versions of it which I was supposed to produce but I literally was so I took my foot off the pedal and they were making it. The whole thing was a disaster. But anyway, I can give you a long story on how to fuck up in show business if you want.

There's a lot to unpack here. Yeah, yeah, sorry. I cannot. I just like therapy. Yeah, I feel like I'm back there. I cannot stop thinking about, cause you mentioned you've been to 108 countries. Yeah.

I want to know what North Korea is like, cause we're thinking of going. Okay, so North Korea. Are we? Are we? Carl, are we? So I said, I want to go on my partner who vetoes nothing. She says, do whatever you fucking want.

Said no, because I will be the guy who gets. Well, it's weird because actually, at first you should go, because like one of my big things about travel is that in the old days, travel was about going somewhere really different. And actually, the world's so homogenized now that you're almost nowhere

where you're not 200 meters from a Starbucks. North Korea is different. North Korea is the closest you'll come to space travel, basically. It is like going to another country. It is so cut off. Everything, when you arrive, when you land at Pyongyang, there's a massive like 200 foot, you know,

poster of the leader. There's literally people standing on the runway with machine guns. It's fucking brilliant. You're like, right, we're in. And you get shadowed the whole time. Yeah, and then you get out. And so the only way you can go around North Korea

is in an organized government, like run coach trip. But the only people going to North Korea are hardened travelers. You have to hire a car. No, not a fucking chance. If you if you break away from that group, you are fucked. I mean, you're slightly exaggerating because I mean, I break away and start doing shit. You're doing weird shit because I mean, the whole point of my you know, I did a book called the dark tourist where I went to places you wouldn't normally go.

So I went to North Korea and skiing in Iran and stuff. The truth is about these places. If you're going to a place run by a really harsh dictatorship, it's normally safer than anywhere else. You're not going to be mugged or stuff like that. But you're right. I had on my trip, there was a Finn and the Finn was a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monsters.

Are you aware of this? Yeah. Yeah. They're people who thought religion was getting too many exemptions, they thought fuck it, if you can make up your imaginary friend, I'll make up my imaginary friend. And they managed to get the Finnish government to approve them their right to wear their religious headgear on official ID. So this guy turned out in North Korea with a passport wearing a colander on his head, and I knew he was going to be trouble. And we got to the one place in North Korea

that was nothing to do with the government. Because they take you like first morning, we went to the dear leader's mother's tomb. And the afternoon we went to the Museum of Agricultural Sides and Lathes. Now anywhere else you'd top yourself, it was so boring. But because it was so shit, you're like, yes, give me more. This is so like what I imagined North Korea to be. There's one afternoon where they take you somewhere

to old Korea. There was like a Buddhist temple and a sort of village that had been a bit patched up, but it was kind of showing you what life was like before the Kims took over. They don't really want you to know about that, but they're quite proud that Korea goes way back. So we go to this museum and there's a big gong

and the Finn, the spaghetti monster, just takes his this museum and there's a big gong and the fin, the spaghetti monster just takes his shoe off and just starts banging the gong. There is no greater insult in career than using your feet and that. And that we literally, the whole village came out and was rocking the coach and I thought this is it, I'm just going to be ripped apart by a mob in North Korea. But apart from that, I didn't feel unsafe. LAUGHTER But I did... You go to the bit, which you normally see from the other side, you know, which is where you go between...

It's the demilitarised zone, and you go to where South Korea and North Korea meet, and there's a bit of cement, and on one side there's North Korean guards, the other side there's South Korean guards, and they're marching up and down, ignoring each other. There's a hut that you can go into from each side side and there's a table in the middle you can't get over. That's where they meet so it's mental. But the weirdest thing there is I'm there standing on

the North Korean side and I look and there's a tower and there's two American marines taking photos with a zoom lens and I'm like fuck that's just what I need because I was born in Beirut, yeah. I'm known as a trigger happy comedy terrorist. I went to school with Osama Bin Laden. And now, like when I go to the States, they pull this out and go, can you explain what you're doing in North Korea? It's not good. Can you imagine if he was like a trigger happy TV fan now

and he's looking at you through that camera? He'd be like, fuck it. They're doing a North Korean trigger happy. What was Chernobyl like? So Chernobyl was really interesting. Chernobyl's got a bit, well, I feel recently, obviously it's been a bit off. You can't go at the moment, but it got quite, I went there in 2007 when you weren't, not many people were going there and it's quite odd.

So when Chernobyl happened, they basically evacuated everyone. They put this call. Are you fair? I mean, they took their time. If you've watched the TV show. They took their time, took five days. And so the damage was already done. They then put a sort of concrete sarcophagus over the thing.

And it's supposed to last 25 years. We've now passed that. So no one really knows what's going to happen. What was it called? The elephant's foot or something? The elephant's foot is the one bit inside, which is like the most radioactive bit on earth. And then they did this thing called the zone of alienation they basically built a fence 50 kilometers all the way around it and so when you go from Keeve you get to the

fence so the first thing that's really weird is there was a house just on the other side of the fence with a family just living there and you think oh we'll be fine then that fence will stop everything and then you go in and you have, oh, we'll be fine then that fence will stop everything. And then you go in and you have to stand in these machines and they literally look like what you'd imagine old Russian machines are. No one knows what they're scanning you for, but it either goes green or red. So if you go green, you can go in and same on the way out. No one explained what would happen if it went red. And then you just drive through this kind of dystopian place, everything's grown over, someone's carrying a Geiger counter,

which is just the most paranoid sound in the world. But occasionally, you'd go past a deserted house, and suddenly a granny would walk out and wave at you, and you'd go, what the fuck are they doing there? And a lot of old people moved out and were forced to go to Keev and were living in tiny flats. And they thought, fuck this, I prefer to go and live back at home and take the risk. And then there's a guy that drives around shooting dogs, which is just awful.

Like he's a... Because they don't want dogs escaping from the zone. It is honestly like a sort of dystopian weird thing. And then you get into Pripyat, which is the town, and I'm walking around with the guy taking me around, and I suddenly think, fuck, I know this, I don't know why. I'm thinking, is that the swimming pool? He goes, yeah yeah. And I go is that used to be the school? He goes yeah. And I realised I played Call of Duty. And Call of Duty had mapped this fucking thing out within an inch. He thought I was a spy that I'd known my way around in there. Very

weird. Like the big Ferris wheel. Yeah, yeah. I mean it's incredible. And everything you look at is a photo op. So there's a Ferris wheel with kids shoes by it. You go into the school, the last thing on the blackboard that they were learning at that school when they got evacuated was what to do in the event of a NATO nuclear attack. I mean, it's like, it's too much symbolism, but it's amazing.

I mean, it's a proper... Were you scared at all? No, well, yes, I was scared there because I'm normally not that scared because I kind of I take, I can judge my risks. Two places I was scared was Congo because that was just out of fucking control. I had no idea what was going on. Was that on the Monster Hunter? Yeah, yeah. And Chernobyl was on Dark Tourist and Chernobyl, the problem is it's called the invisible enemy because you don't, the guy get counter goes tick tick all the time. But what you really need is a thing called a dosometer and the dosometer tells you how much you've ingested of this shit

So I pres I didn't do much research I just presumed if people were taking me in there It was safe because why would you take me in there otherwise and I said to the guy taking me in I said is this safe? He said you have kids. I said yeah, I've got kids he goes okay safe now yeah, yeah like so basically I realized the guy taking me in was just fucking mental and didn't didn't care at all so it was weird like I fell over at one stage and a whole lot of dust came up and I was like trying to rub it up and you start feeling a sort of metallic taste on your tongue so I think it's more paranoia than actual danger

I mean I'm still alive. Why did he need to know about your kids? Like they're going to protect you from it. I think he meant it was going to fry your testicles. You already have kids? Good. You have kids? Oh, I thought he was like, have you got kids? No, no. To make you clean?

I wasn't bartering kids to get into Chernobyl. Right. No, I think he was basically saying, as long as you're not planning on having kids in the future, it was safe. You're not. Why was the Congo so crazy? Because I mean, it's because the Congo, I've been to a lot of war zones. I mean, I grew up in Beirut, so I'm slightly blase about it because I kind of, you know, like one moment you're going to the beach and life goes on in these places, even when

weird things are going on. So it's great. Come here and you say, I've been hanging out in Beirut. Everyone goes off. You must be really brave. You go, yeah, thinking I've just been skiing like it's an amazing place. Congo is just fucked. Like it's it's from the moment you land. It's insane. I landed in this good Congo and bad Congo. So there's what used to be Zaire, which is knows those names. I mean, well, it's easy.

I'll tell you how you tell it. Bad Congo is the DRC. That's the Democratic Republic of Congo, yeah? Here's a massive tip for you. Any country with the word democratic in it, absolutely not democratic, just stay away. North Korea is the Democratic DPRK.

East Germany was the... The moment people call themselves democratic, they're hiding. So you land in, I landed in good Congo, which is like old in Brazzaville. Then I took a flight Brazil, no Brazzaville. Brazzaville is the capital. Yeah, it was Brazzaville a bit like that. So this is, and it was, it was crazy to fly up to where I wanted to, which was in the north of the country There's a lake called Lake Tellay

It's a perfectly round lake and in the middle of that lake is supposed to be this thing called the McAlien BEMBE Which means the blocker of rivers but to get there you had to fly up Then you have to take a four-day canoe trip down the Congo So even the flight I went on was not recognized by the European Union So you can get any insurance anything like that. There was a fist fight, both putting, both when you're putting the luggage on the plane and on the plane, people just fighting. It just seemed to be like a punch-out.

It was amazing. It was like a night out in New Brighton. And then we landed. I got arrested immediately, asked what I was doing. If the UFC bought that plane and televised it, it'd be the biggest thing in the world. It would be fucking amazing. That whole trip, I didn't video it, which was just crazy because I was doing. If the UFC bought that plane and televised it would be the biggest thing in the world. It would be fucking amazing. That whole trip, I didn't video it, which was just crazy because I was writing a book.

You know, it's like fucking idiot. Just film it. I land. I'm the only white guy who lands at this place. So they're like, hello, this guy comes up to me. What are you doing here? So I try and explain I'm a comedian that didn't go down well. So I go, all right, I'm writing.

So they thought I was a spy. So they arrest me. So I'm held for two days. Basically they're looking for a bribe. So I end up bribing them. And this is in good Congo. This is good Congo. Yeah. But no, better Congo. And then, and then I finally get on the river four days down, I get to the village that looks after this lake. And I think, right, let's crack on because I want to get the fuck out. And they said, no, first we have to negotiate a price. I've got this guy's, first we have to negotiate a price. I've got this guy's with me and he's negotiating a price.

We spent all day like something out of a Tintin cartoon where you don't speak to them directly. You have a port parole. So you go, could you tell the gentleman I'd like to pay five quid to go to the lake? And then the port parole comes back and goes, the gentleman says you're going to have to pay 20,000 pounds. And then he like, fuck, right, we're quite a long way away this takes all day finally we agree and they say no first we celebrate and they get these cartons of what was called french jungle wine it was like triple it was like the worst strongest it was like triple special brew and the whole village starts drinking

it off their fucking tits so much So the guy is taking me to the lake the next day attacks me with a machete So he then gets tied to a tree and at this stage I'm like I am so out of my fucking depth here. They all pass out I'm supposed to go the lake the next day and I think Tintin who's my complete travel hero Would have gone on to the lake and I'll go fuck this so we jumped in a canoe and fucked off. So I never got to the lake. I just, I was totally out of my comfort zone there. That wine thing surprised me. I thought they drunk Umbongo. I'm very glad that's jokes in my, in my, you're too fucking young to know that. I did a tour where

I showed that Umbongo, Umbongo, they drink it in the Congo. I can tell you, I went to seven supermarkets in Brazzaville. Absolute bollocks. Don't stock it at all. Don't stock it at all. Maybe they've just sold out. No, I think I'll drink it and show them the ad. Never heard of it, nothing.

We've been lied to. You've brushed over the fact that you went to school with Osama Bin Laden. I did, yeah. I feel like we should have maybe... We have touched on it rather heavily. So you've worked together recently is why you got on. So you've talked about this,

but for everyone else that's watching and listening, you just mentioned that and we all just went, yeah, cool. Which must have felt like a mental moment for everyone. If you're a regular listener of this podcast and you've just skipped over that, you're probably going, did they not question him on that at all?

Were you in the same classes? No, of course I'm not. Oh, Gaffs, you've just skipped over that. You're probably going, did they not question him on that at all? Were you in the same classes? No, of course I'm not. So I found out by mistake, like I went back to do a documentary when I got fired from the BBC. I went off to do my first sort of travel show. And the idea was to go off into Syria

where I used to go as a kid and off on a big road trip. And we got to Lebanon, to Beirut. And the director said, we found out you used to go to school in Beirut when go as a kid and often a big road trip. And we got to Lebanon, to Beirut, and the director said, we found out you used to go to school in Beirut when you were a kid, and then it got really bad and I got sent to boarding school here in England. And he said, we thought it'd be good to go to your old school, have a look around.

We got a fixer to sort it out. I go, brilliant. My old school's amazing. It's like a Quaker school built by English people from Darlington. I've no idea why, in 1860 in the hills above Beirut. It's a beautiful place. And it's a Quaker school. And I went there for two years from when I was six to when I was eight. And then I got sent off to England. So I get there

and we're filming. There's nothing better than going back to your old school with a documentary crew. It basically says, you've made it. So I'm wandering around giving it the big I am. This woman comes running down screaming at us. She's the headmistress. She's fucking livid. She's the fixer that we've paid $500 to sort it out, just puts in his pocket and it's fucked off. He's got late, which is what I'd have done. So she's like, why are you filming here? And I go, well, you know, I'm a comedian. Yeah, who cares? I

said, well, I went to this school. I'm kind of a big deal in England. She goes, I've never heard of you like this went on for ages. I finally lost my rag a little bit. I said, look, I don't want to be I'm kind of a big deal in England. She goes, I've never heard of you. Like, this went on for ages. I finally lost my rag a little bit. And I said, look, I don't want to be rude, but I'm probably the most famous old boy from this school. This documentary is going to do you quite, you know, a big, big, big service. She goes, you're not the most famous person ever.

I go, I think I am. She goes, no, you're not. I go, who did? And she goes, and she drops the bomb. So firstly, I had to say, all right, fair enough. He's beaten me on that. But secondly, I was like, what? And people asked me like, and I had to say all right fair enough he's beaten me on that but secondly I was like what and people asked me like and I had no idea so people asked me were we mates? No like I was six he was 18 we didn't like hang out together he didn't put his arm around me wander around pointing at tall buildings going Dom when we leave we're gonna fucking do amazing things but also this is a Quaker school I don't if you know what Quakers stand for,

but it's pacifism. Pacifism, and the porridge. It's pacifism. This is the worst example of the products of a Quaker educational system, me and Osama bin Laden. So all I wanted to do then was find the school picture. If I had a school fucking picture of me and Osama bin Laden, I could have lived off that for 20 years.

But of course, they're not very keen to put that out. Looked him up in Friends Reunited. That's very dated, dated reference, but that's gone. You made them towers quake mate. Ah, there you go. Yeah, good. Bit too soon. Maybe not. Probably not. But yeah, so that doesn't help me. That is annoying though, isn't it? Having someone that famous from your school who just smashed their goals so much that you can't, like Stephen Jellard went to my school. I'm fucked as well.

Well, I mean, more fucked. He's hoping, lad. When I left my school, the most famous person was again weirdly related, this was a school in England, was related to Lebanon. This guy called John McCarthy, and he was famous for being a hostage in Beirut. So this guy was the most famous guy

for being chained to a fucking radiator for two years. And I thought- Until Ken Bigley. Yeah, I thought I can beat that basically. And then what's his name? Conception, the Hollywood film director. Chris Nolan. Chris Nolan, motherfucker, comes out of nowhere,

blows us all out the water, so yeah. Chris Nolan went to your school? Yeah, not with Bin Laden though, this is a different school. That's too much for me. Yeah, it was mad. That's cool, it's just not. And I totally ignored him. That's two goats.

Yeah, it is two goats. Oh, he was like in your, like you knew him. He's two years below me, I could have just made an effort, but I just thought no. Fuck me. Where's next on the list here? Where's next on the list? Would you go to North Sentinel Island or would you try? Would I what? North Sentinel Island. North Sentinel Island? Yeah. Is this a local joke? I don't know what that is. No, is it North Africa? It's just off New Brayn. Near India? Oh is that the one where you

uh you get killed? You get killed? No because you get killed. No but you could go near it. I can go near it yeah that's with the tribe. There's about once every five years, they eat a YouTuber, don't they? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is fine. Now I went, next place, I am doing my next book. I'm doing a book on happiness at the moment because I did a book on conspiracy theories

where I hung out with conspiracy theorists for a year. And that is just a fucking nightmare because I'm now attracted every nutter online. Can I, so I'm obsessed with conspiracy theories. Are you a believer? See, I want to believe, but I'm not a mental, so. So here's my thing. If I can find a way to believe it,

I will, even if I don't believe it, I will choose to live in the world where it's true. What's your signature? What's your go-to conspiracy theory? Oh, that they're all eating kids on pizzas in Washington. Oh, you've gone, you've gone. All right. So you've, I thought you going to muck around with the moon landing. So, but you've just gone full fucking mental. So you believe that that Hillary Clinton eats

kids. So she eats kids in ping pong, that restaurant in the basement of the restaurant, which doesn't have a basement. Yeah. Okay. So they want you to think, well I've been there. It doesn't. Oh yeah. Oh no, there's no basement here sir. Not anymore. Turns out jolly is part of the problem. I am. Well, that's the problem. I'm a paid for it. Like he's on his way, carpet the basement. Do you know about Denver national airport? Do you know about Denver national airport? No. Oh, that's my favorite. If you like tunnels, that's the fucking one. Denver national airport is the best one. It's the daddy of all conspiracy theories. Basically they think it's a very small airport. It's

not, it's a small town, Denver. It's not a massive American town, but it has the biggest airport in all of America. Just wanted to give you the point. But it's got the biggest airport in all of America and the reason conspiracists think is they think that underneath Denver International Airport are a whole lot of tunnels systems that have been built so that whatever you think is running the world, the Illuminati, the New World Order, the Muppets, when the Rapture comes they're all going to fly to Denver International Airport, go down into the tunnels, be gently filleted and drink champagne while we all die in a burning mess.

So I went to Denver Airport saying, let's try and find the tunnels and you're right, I couldn't find them but if they're secret, you're not meant to. But I said, so I said, that'd be a bit of a shit conspiracy wouldn't it if you could just tear it off and be like where are these tunnels? And they're like over there. Take the basement, take the basement. Yeah, but you know, some people think I'm part of the problem, so I should have been ushered into my panic booth.

But anyway, I said to a conspiracist, how do you know these things are there? And they go, well, they're not hiding it. They go, look at the art. And you look at the art all around Denver, it's such a airport, all by the same artist, massive fucking, huge, like, murals depicting really weird scenes, like Russian soldiers with bayonets and wearing

gas masks and women carrying dead babies. It's not the Eurostar and they're basically saying that is the Illuminati. They're so confident. They've put that art up just to say that's what's going to happen to you. And I said, really? And then they showed me a time capsule, which again, I think Blue Peter Garden is going to date me, but Blue Peter Garden, they go, that again is a symbol. This stuff is happening. But whatever the case, you'd think if you're running Denver International Airport, the one thing you don't want is an airport. You don't want Dom Jolly wandering around looking for tunnels. You don't want all this shit happening. You would put out a press conference or something and you'd

say, look, this is all bollocks. What I love about them is they not only thought, no, we're not going to do that. They thought let's ramp it up. So Denver international airport themselves have put 10, uh, sort of gargoyles jumping out of a suitcase all around the airport and their voice activate motion activated. So when you walk past them, they go, welcome to illuminati headquarters and you get all these stoners just going, fuck, it's an amazing place. We should go. Yeah.

Go to Denver. Oh, good on them. I like taking the piss. It's one of the best comedy cities in all of America. I love Denver. Yeah. And I do think there's a little bit to do. It's a big conspiracy central, but that might have a little bit to do with their consumption

of space cabbage. Was that your, was that your favorite conspiracy theory? No, my favorite. Well, my favorite one was Finland doesn't exist. Yeah, no, that's the good one. And I kicked off with that because I just flew to Finland and I thought, well, that's it, job done. But actually, conspiracists would say I didn't land in Finland.

Sweden East. And all four million Finns are actually crisis actors and Tallinn is the green room and stuff. But my favourite one is flat earthers. I just love flat earthers. And I found a square flat earther who's even more niche than a flat earther. They believe the earth is square and flat. And there are four corners of this square flat earth.

One of them is an island called Fogo off Newfoundland. So I took a square flat earther to the edge of the earth. And I thought, because the problem is you never win with a conspiracy theorist. There's always a get-at clause. And I thought this way, it's going to be right or wrong. We either fall off the edge of the earth or I'm right. And if we fall off the edge of the earth, I've killed a flat earther. It's like a win win for me. And we got there and I hope this isn't a spoiler for anyone, but we didn't find anything. But he just refused to believe it. He then like made us take a boat out because he said you couldn't see it from there. And

then when the captain, the boat said we've got to go back, he accused me and the captain of the boat are working for Bill Gates and been going around in circles. I mean, they're fucking mental. Is there any you believe? Or is there any that you've got a little bit of belief in? Not a lot. The weirdest one is COVID really. I'm not, you know, an anti-vaxxer in any way at all in that, but the idea that COVID started in a wet market from a bat, just 500 meters from what is the largest coronavirus laboratory in all of China seems a bit of a coincidence.

So I think it's probably pretty clear that coronavirus not intentionally, but was a lab leak. And I don't think it's that weird that the Chinese government might try and hush that up. The problem is Donald Trump, because Donald Trump actually called it out. He was calling it the China flu and stuff. But because any normal person, the moment Donald Trump says anything, you just disagree with him. I think he didn't do himself any favors really. That's my other thing against

conspiracy theories. Like things like, did we land on the moon and stuff? Donald Trump is told the truth about this shit. Do you think he could keep his mouth shut? Of course he couldn't. Yeah, he's got the president's book, hasn't he? Yeah, you just know all of it. No, Carl, what you've done there is you've took National Treasurer's Book of Secrets too. That's a cool documentary haven't you?

Don't film though, isn't it? But surely he gets told when he comes into power, like by the way this is what happened to JFK, this is what happened at 9-11, this is blah blah blah. There's too many presidents for that to happen. And then he's told this is what will happen to you if you tell anyone. Yeah, surely he knows all his happen. Yeah. And then he's told this is what will happen to you if you tell anyone. Yeah, surely he knows all of all the secrets. Definitely. I mean, I don't think they let him have his password to his laptop. But yeah, do you know what? This is true. Because if you're a conspiracist, you'd say no, the deep state would not let Trump know. He's just a puppet. He's a

puppet. That's what I think. Yeah, that's there you go. Like, basically, the go to is deep state. Blame everything on Bill Gates. That's that's what it is. I don't think Bill Gates is involved, but I do think there's a deep state. You think there is a deep state? I do think there's a deep state. How deep does the deep state go? Deeper than Bill. I don't think Bill Gates is part of it.

I don't think he is. He's a straw man. He's a straw man. Oh, straw man, bingo. We should leave the palace. He used to eat the palace, eat kids two weeks ago. Tom Hanks is a fucking suspicious little guy. He loves a pepperoni. What? You think Tom Hanks is a fucking suspicious little fellow. He loves a pepperoni.

What? You think Tom Hanks is in on it? He's there. And when I don't get into it, I get messages going, you don't believe in any conspiracies. I'm like, Tom Hanks doesn't eat kids. Tom Hanks is there, he's the cunt mate. Woody. But conspiracies are obsessed with eating babies in tunnels.

I don't know what it is. So. Because everyone's eating babies in tunnels? I don't know, it is. So because everyone's eating babies in tunnels. I don't know. I mean, you can't eat your babies. You don't get any Brian because of the tunnel. Look, all I'm saying is connect the dots and tell me there's no picture there. You know, all right. Or just read, read my book much better available. All good bookshops. Where can we, where can we find all these shops or the book? Yeah, of course. I write, I write them myself. I read them myself, which is an Yeah, of course. I write them myself. I read them myself,

which is an absolute fucking nightmare because when I write them, because they're travel books, I'm writing down, I do a lot of eavesdropping and I listen into conversations and then I have to do all the accents and I'm just firstly terrible accent. Secondly, I'm just like, how racist is this terrible? But I'm telling you right now, you've just sold yourself. I am the worst narrator, but yeah, I do do a lot of North Korea. You've got a tour coming up now. Are you in the middle of it? Well, I'm sort of no, I've just finished my conspiracy tour, but what I've got coming up is Trigger Happy TV, which is where we started the show that none of you remember because you're all too young. No, I watched it. I genuinely watched it every week.

I was watching Beatles about. Anyway, Trig Happy TV is 25 years old. When I finished it, I did two series and then I literally I sort of thought of it like a band back then. We were trying to be cool a bit and we were like, right, we've done it. We've peaked. Let's just knock it on the head. You're not going to beat that. And challenge- But then also, wouldn't you just get recognized loads? If you kept doing series and series and series.

No, no, no, everyone says that. I just, it's bollocks. I do stuff all the time at the moment. Like no one recognizes you ever. Like I can tell walking down the street, I could always know who would know who I was and who wasn't. Also, hello costumes, like wigs. Yeah, yeah.

So no, that wasn't the reason. That's how I've been living all the way with it for so long. You want to get mechanized. You know people will look and find them. What's a real beard that me. But anyway, I did. I did trigger happy. Uh, went to the BBC and I kind of realized then I moved on. I've never really done hidden camera since I've done other stuff. Well, I did a show called world shot your mouth on BBC, which I loved. Uh, but since then I've been doing travel writing and stuff and it got to 25 25 years. And I thought, you know what, I just I would it was like a big moment in my life. And I still think it stands up to this day. We did a thing in a cinema where we hold up people sat and watched it. And there's nothing like watching it in a communal

setting. And it stands the test of time. So I thought I'm going to try and do something. And because I've been doing this live stuff, I thought, I wonder how I do Trigger Happy Live. Because it's not like the far show, again, dating myself. But I can't just do the sketches. Because everyone I did it with were members of the public. So I've worked out a way of how to do the show. So I'm doing four massive shows for me in October. I'm doing the Adelphi in London.

I'm doing Manchester. I'm doing Birmingham. I'm doing Glasgow. And yeah, so those are going to happen. And I'm really excited, I'm doing Birmingham, I'm doing Glasgow. And yeah, so those are going to happen and I'm really excited, but also fucking terrified about those because I don't know what's going to happen. That's the fun going on. Where are tickets going on sale for that? Is it domjolly.tv? Go to my website domjolly.tv.

There we go. Okay. We'll take a little break. We'll come back very, very shortly with some questions and executive orders. You're quite like. You are silly. Now it's time to talk about my absolute favourite sponsor. It's Manscaped.com. For the very best in below the belt male grooming. I tell you what, they do your face as well.

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Part four of four with Dom Jolly. Have you got any executive orders? We've got some. Should we do it? I'm going to play the jingle, Dom. No, you guess can't hear it. This ain't just any order. This is an executive order. We've got some should we do it? I'm gonna play the jingle dumb. No, you guess can't hear it I wish there's a way for the guests to I love it. No, I've really enjoyed it If you were all-powerful, yeah Kim Jong don't dumb Kim Jong-dong. Yeah What would you pass as an executive order? I've just got, I mean, I don't know how long you got. I got loads of these.

Great. The one I've always been after is just to make it legal to be able to hunt and kill traffic wardens. That'd be my absolute first one. I'm using traffic wardens as an example of all just pointless money raising bureaucracy, which is what kills this country, I think. I'm not yet political about it, but it just irritates me. Speed cameras? What do you think about speed cameras?

Hunts and kills speed cameras? People who put them up. Well, no, there was a guy called Captain Gatso, because they used to be called Gatso, and he used to go and blow up speed cameras, which was what a job. I'd just kill to do that, it'd be amazing. That was his job.

Well, it wasn't his job, but he made it a job. I don't think anyone hired him, but he used to blow those things up. This reminds me actually, the worst thing I was ever accused of, and I wish I'd done it, but I hadn't. The worst thing I was ever accused of, because when Trigger Happy was happening, anyone that did like a prank or whatever, they go, that's Tom Jolly. And I got, the police came to my house. When the Queen Mother died, someone dressed up as a mobile speed camera and flashed her cortege as it went past. Yeah, and they blamed that on me. Wasn't me, but great idea.

They assumed it was you doing the bit. They just assumed it was me. Someone just went, yeah, Dom Jolly, sorry about that. If traffic wardens are, it's legal to hunt them. Yeah, let's not go kill, but hunt. Hunt. Yeah. Hunt and capture and torture. We are going to have to pay them a lot more.

So there's going to be a... Dangerous pay, yeah. There's going to have to be danger. I just don't think anyone would risk it, would they? But why would you do it now? Because it seems to me it's not like, it's not a job you do to make mates, is it? Like, I think you have to have a certain... You just... You think, I want a job where I can just fucking piss someone off.

No, but I reckon they do do it to make mates because they're probably a little weasely little cunt and they're looking for like-minded, weasely little cunts. And then there'll be a big, like, staff party where they're all going, oh, I got... I grasped up 27 people this year, mate. And he's like, oh, why did you get 48? We did a trigger-happy thing on them, but we weren't allowed to show it because Channel 4 wouldn't let us.

But we found out where they have their Christmas party, whatever. There was a basement where when they're kind of, you know, like they were eating kids in the area. Yeah, I knew it. And if it wasn't for those press keep, but, you know, like, I don't know if you know, but black cabs in London have little green huts where they can all go and they meet up when they're not driving around and can have cups of tea. Well it turned out that all the Clampers and the parking wardens in Soho in London had this little, I don't know what it was, like a club room in a basement. So we waited till they all went in there. We just super glued the locks and they were in there for four hours and we filmed it. No, and it was like free parking, it was like the purge for four days. Everyone could do it, but we weren't allowed to show that. So

yeah, I'd like to hunt them. Me and Carl used to follow them around town and boo them. Yeah, I've done all that sort of stuff. It's proper harassment. Like they were just doing their job and it was a boo. I thought as well, that wasn't long ago. No. Because obviously I had a traffic warden character on Trigger Happy.

It was one of my favorites. And I do feel slightly sorry for them because I'd put the costume on. And so I would do things like, my favourite one was we had Sam I made Trigger Happy with, his car was this little Renault 5, and it was like easy to push. And so I'd wait till people were walking past and I'd just walk out as the traffic wouldn't look around,

push it onto a double yellow and then slap a ticket on it like that. And people were like, I knew they were fucking doing that. Or we'd hail a cab, the cab would stop and I'd go, can't park here mate, slap a ticket on it like that. And people were like, I knew they were fucking doing that. Or we'd hail a cab, the cab would stop and I'd go, can't park here, mate, slap a ticket on it like that. Maybe that's what happened to your car in Sheffield. Ah, yeah. That is what they're doing. But I have to say, to defend them slightly,

even though I'm going to hunt them, I used to put the costume on and just walk out, you know, we were about to go filming, and I'd forget I'd have the costume on, I'd just be walking down the street, every person walking past just cunt, cunt, fucking cunt, I'll kill you, and you just realise this is their constant like, that's their soundtrack. You're sure you're in a mental health school? Yeah.

I think they need danger pay anyway. But they choose to do that job. But that's my point, if you choose to do it, you should be allowed to be hunted. Yeah. Don't do it then. And if we're not killing them, what are we? We're not killing them. What are we doing at that point? You've haunted them.

Tickling them. With knives. Their salary is between 20 and 28 grand a year. Yeah. I'm sorry. But you know they're bribing people. You know they're saying, you know, this could all go away. Oh, yeah.

Cash, 100%. I like Traffic Wardens. I want to play their corporate gig Christmas. You'd be in the basement, mate. I'm going to be the one comic who's like pro traffic warden. Well, cause you wanted the niche market. You want to corner that market. So I tell you what, don't rise. Cause I agree with you. Right. 100%. I live in an area with a lot of tight streets. Yeah. And when people park on both sides. I do wish there was more by us.

I just don't care. I do wish there was more traffic wardens by us. I just don't care. No, it's not about the traffic warden, but you know when people park on both sides of the streets and one of them doesn't get close enough to the curb, I've got a bit of a unit of a car. I don't wanna live in a country that you wanna live in.

You wanna live in a country where everything's regulated, everyone parks perfectly. All my favorite countries are just a fucking disaster parking wise, like Italy, Beirut, just park where the fuck you want, just drive into a shop if you want. I like that, but that's the way I want to live. Okay.

I like that, but not where I live. Yeah. I like going to a business park. Not in my backyard. Obviously, I want some quite elite traffic wardens around the square. I live in a child. Yeah, that's obvious. Yeah. Not my warden in town. Yeah. For when it comes to in front of your drive. Well, the change in the laws in Liverpool. So Liverpool is after six o'clock on street parking is free. Right. One of the only good things we've

got with that. They'll change that soon. They are changing it. Yeah. Cause they will. You'll have to pay for it or something. So it's paying display after six. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just drives me nuts. Have you got another one? Yeah, I've got quite a few. I mean, I hate the royal family as well. So, but I think we should have the people or the TV show, what the people or the TV show, both actually, but I don't care. I don't care. But I don't like the royal family as in, you know, the nonces. But I think we should have one because tourism. But we don't need 50 of the fuckers.

So I think turn it into some sort of competition. Battle Royale. Battle Royale. So I mean, I was thinking cage fight, but actually Battle Royale. Fight queen. So fight queen, fight king. Whatever. Battle Royale. Sorry, I forgot how brilliant

battle royale obviously is, that's exactly what we call it. Chuck them on the Isle of Wight, last one to survive gets to be king or queen or whatever, and you film it, live stream it, I just think it'd be amazing. They've all got cameras on them, it'd just be amazing. I'd enter. Sorry, I didn't realise how brilliant battle royale was. No, I don't think he listened and then thought... I think he went, I've just thought of something.

Yes. I fucking hate the Royale family. Should have said Battle Royale. Right. We get on usually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, that's what I do. That's what I want to watch. To make it sort of in your interest to be king.

Yeah. Right. It should be, there's a Battle Royale. Thank you. Once a year, like 100 people and the winner of that as a one on one with the current king to see if if he wins, he takes over. Yeah, if not, you stay on. But yeah, but the current king doesn't have to enter the big medley because then you'd, you know, you because he's got to do all the yeah, they do anything. Yeah know, you... Yeah, because he's got to do all the... Yeah. They don't do anything. Is it just fisty cuffs?

Yeah. Fisty cuffs? No, no, just full weapons. Oh, shit. Anything you fucking want. Oh, they own loads. They can just go in one of their stately homes. There's all sorts of weaponry on the walls.

Axes, cutlasses, you've got cannons. We went to the Tower of London. It's just an armoury, isn't it? Yeah. Torch chambers, horses. Brilliant. You set the Duke of Nantes on them, like anything. I tell you what you do.

You do the Battle Royale, whatever, and then the final, the boss thing, you do like on them, like anything. I tell you what you do. You do the battle royal, whatever. And then the final, the boss thing, you do like a mansion like Cluedo. Nice. And in every room there's the weapons of Cluedo. Balmoral. Yeah. Balmoral in the Royal Dining Hall. With an ooze.

Using Prince Andrew. Like it'd be amazing. Yeah. This is an annual thing. Are you trying to do this every year? Well, I think so. No, four years. Four years. It's not going to get commissioned if it's a one off, is it?

We all know that. It's like, what's the longevity? The year between the Euros and the World Cup. Yeah, that's nice. Just to cheer us up. Yeah, that's good. So every two years. Yeah.

Every two years, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Euros, Battle Royal, World Cup, Battle Royal. Euros, yeah. When it's the AFKON, you know you're getting excited. The only problem with this is like, I'm doing these executive orders

because I've been made king. So I'm not like anything to do with that. You're president. Yeah, I'm just, I'm sort of executive king. Would you go to another one if that's all right? Just these are quite random, but they're things I really need. I fucking love and I hate golf.

Like I can't explain it. Occasionally play golf and it's all right, but I sort of hate everything about it as well. And I don't want to watch it on telly. So I want to make it illegal for current golf to be shown as it is. It needs to be ramped up. I want a thing called Golf War 3. Basically it's normal golf but it's just got some added things. So you put landmines everywhere, just random landmines on it. If you step on it, that's it, you're fucked.

But if you don't step on it, it doesn't bother you. And then there's a clown in a kind of Mad Max car that drives around and he can run you over at any stage. I would watch that. It's so much better as a game. And I'd make the holes a little bigger and that'd be it. That's all. Golf for free. That's my idea.

I'm having it. I think go to the PGA with that last idea first. Do you think so? I think you've got to. Soften them up. Yeah, well, you know, I'm having it. I think go to the PGA with that last idea first. Do you think so? I think you've got to, yeah, yeah, yeah. Soften them up. Yeah, well, you know, I'm here, so I'm pitching these right now, so. 100%.

Do you not love watching golf though? Do you not love them? Like the- Terrible to watch, yeah. Oh, please, tell me you wouldn't prefer it. If you're watching the golf you love, it's still all there, all the same people, but occasionally one of them fucking gets blown up

by a landmine. Yeah, I'm not saying that wouldn't improve it. That's great. That's absolutely bollocks. Golf is boring to watch. No, it isn't. Snooker's boring to watch. Would you agree with that?

Yeah. Yeah, but I enjoy it. You watch Snooker. I don't watch, but I used to when I was younger. I used to watch Snooker, yeah. I used to do a lot of things when I was younger. BBC Two, mate. Late Night Snooker.

Yeah. Welcome to Rocket Ronnie, but a few of these. Yeah, exactly. You're not doing that in golf are you? Swinging it behind the back. You don't watch much golf do you? I watch all the golf. Do you watch golf?

How long would you watch golf? Four days? The Masters watch every fucking second of it mate. Once a year. Which the weekend off, have a little sit down. Would you really? Yeah. Really?

What's the last golf tournament you watched? Is that a Lie Bell? The Masters. Bullshit Bell yeah. Who won? Rory. Oh okay yeah fair enough. That was quite an easy one though. Who came watched? Is that a light bell? The Masters. Bullshit bell, yeah. Who won? Rory.

Oh, okay, yeah, fair enough. That was quite an easy one, though. Who came second? What? Who came second? Um... There we go. Boston.

Justin Rose. All right. So you watched that one tournament a year? Yeah, yeah. I watched all the golf, me. That one. No, I watched the other majors. All the other biggies.

The Welles Open. No, the Masters is the one. The Masters is the one. The Masters is the one. The British Open is good. The Masters is the major, major. No, but the British Open is good fun. Because they happen to play... The Open.

I'm sorry. The Open in... the one that's in Britain. That's kind of fun. Because they play it next to the sea, they all get pisswet through. I hate those links courses, they're just boring. Yeah, they're like that. Have you watched them play through a fucking...

No, get a clown on there and a fucking car with a mortar, then you've got it. Well, that's... I'm just, I'm open for that job. If anyone was trained all their life for that job, that's how I'd like to retire. I'm the kill clown on the professional golf. Swing a few bats and you know, you're too busy with your dolls.

That's baseball. Yeah, not the way I play it. There you go. Do you want to do some from the listeners? Yeah, go on. Jay Hen says, executive order, anyone wearing a band's t-shirt must be able to name five songs by that band or have it removed at gunpoint. A hundred percent.

Adam Rowe, go. What? Five Taylor Swift songs. Lover. Er, 22. Er... He's going to get to three, I think. All too well.

Come on. Just favourite one. Don't help him. What are you doing? Yeah, take the shirt off please. Remove the shirt. He's doing that for bait. You must be.

What do you mean? You've seen it live. Remove the shirt. He's doing that for beat, you must be. What do you mean? You're still alive. I know. London boy. Stop. We love Taylor Swift. She's shite. I think when it's a Ramones t-shirt.

It's always the Ramones, isn't it? I feel like that's the one where- Or Metallica. I've had the Ramones t-shirt and I couldn't tell you one Ramones song. I didn't even know they were a real band. When I was younger, I had like a Top Man Ramones t-shirt. It is a great t-shirt though to be fair. I bought a Johnny Cash one from Nashville. Got a Cash top. That's nice. Do you know any Johnny Cash songs? Ring

the Fire, Foulsome Prison Blues, Johnny Cash Sings Live. The best Johnny Cash. Fulsome prison. An audience with Johnny Cash. Yeah. Man in black. Don't bring your guns to town. Sal says, executive order, anyone in the gym who takes the treadmill or bench next to me when the rest are free should be permanently banned from using any gym again. Oh, I'm totally with that. I'd also ban, you know joggers, that's what I fucking hate. So firstly, joggers anyway, like what you're running from.

But when you walk past a jogger and they run past you, there's a sort of slipstream of sweat that hits you as they've gone past. And that I'd ban, I don't know how I'd ban it. Probably just shoot, there's a lot of shooting in my new regime. That's why I'm trigger happy, but I'd probably shoot joggers as well.

But jogging's a really good way to keep fit and sort your mental health outcome. Is it? Yeah. That's really great, but I'd probably shoot joggers as well. Jogging's a really good way to keep fit and sort your mental health out, Tom. Is it? Yeah. That's really great, but frankly, you're too late. If you're running to do that, it's too late. I tell you, it's another good way. You wouldn't need to be fit, and I'd sort out your mental health if I shot you.

So there you go. There you go. That's so true. Can't be depressed if you've got a hole in your... Have we got better help sponsoring us today? Because I feel like those two messages might not... Listen, I suffer from terrible anxiety, I have a very bad depression? Cause I feel like those two messages might not. Terrible anxiety, I have a very bad depression. So I'm allowed to say what I want.

Fact. Yeah. You're the victim. I think people do it to be feel safe. What jogging? No, like the, the. Oh no, just do one. Come on, that's not. No, that's right.

But like some people don't have spot like, Oh, in case I hate myself. Oh, sure. I don't do that, but I'm saying maybe that's what that is. Oh, I went to the, I went to the gym with my little Czech masseuse lady. She took me to the gym. What?

You know the, you know. You're on gym day to eat your masseuse? Yeah. With a Czech masseuse? I've got a sports massage lady who's great. And she's from Eastern Europe. And we went to the gym the other day. Is she older or younger?

She's 46. She's very strong. Is she? She's strong 46 she's very strong is she yeah strong she's very strong at one point i was doing um uh what they called the not the deadlift the at the barbell out and doing the leg press not leg press what you call it squat and i was like we're real gym people i can't remember the names of things i'm glad glad you didn't. I was like, oh, this is hard. And she went, stop listening to In a Bitch in an East European voice. Stop listening to In a Bitch.

Stop listening to In a Bitch. It really turned me on. Yeah, yeah, it's nice. Oh my god. Oh, she turned you on. Oh, it's phenomenal. I love that. Ex-Soviet, you know, degradation.

Bit of discipline, yeah. Oh, yeah. Chino anti-Robert. Yeah, definitely. I'll take it. Let's go on holiday together. I would not be allowed. Laurel would kill me.

I want space at these places. Just if you want to be close, that's fine. Just one off. Don't be a weirdo and same as the urinal. If there's four and I'm at the far one, why would you go to the one next to me? That is your problem. No, it is that. But it is like sitting in an empty pub or whatever and someone goes, you know, is this anyone sitting here? You go, no, but there's 50 other tables.

Why would you do that? Josh Shaw says, executive order, make all pool tables contactless. Why? Oh, so it's not a pound because no one's got cash anymore. Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah. How do you reserve it then? Yeah, that's cool. You leave your credit card do you reserve it then? Yeah, that's cool. That is cool.

You leave your credit card on. That's good, yeah, that's good. Or your bollocks. Yeah. You just put your bollocks on. I kinda like the retro feel of slotting a quid into a machine. I totally agree.

And I like the coin on the, it's a nice thing. But who's got coins? Maybe they should have tokens at the bar. No, it's not the same. No, like a, you know, like a trolley. Stop modernising everything. I want to just put a quid in, and have a fucking little knock.

He's always playing pool. Come on. It's pocket full of palm coins. I've got a pound in the car. I've always got a quid, and I always think, what the fuck am I going to do with this? I've had it for six years in my pocket. So that would be good.

I've got a palm coin in the car for, the air for the tyres, or a trolley. Oh yeah, yeah. I've got a trolley token. That's contactless, though, no? You don't need that. No, not my mind. Down south it is. Sorry.

Big news, Liverpool. It's happening. What's happening? It's gone contactless. The trolleys? No, the air. Oh, god. What, colleys?

Yeah, for your tires. Air is contactless. Air is contactless. Oh, but the garage I use isn't. Oh, no. It's a pile for five minutes. That's been happening. That feels nice.

Supermarket trolleys, yeah, why are they not contactless? That's true. They are in airports. Yeah, in Nashville, it was $7 to use one of the big trolleys. Oh, you know. I had a lot of bags. By the way, I picked Stephen up from the airport, didn't I?

Stephen? And he paid, to be fair. I stayed for 22 minutes in the car park. It was 25 pounds. Yeah, because it went into the hours thing. Yeah, but you get a thing now where you pay five quid just to drop someone off. This is six quid. That pisses me off.

Six quid for 10 minutes. All these people will be hunted with the traffic wardens. It's fucking so much hunting. There's a massive umbrella of hunt. It's phenomenal. Hyper commercialization. It's a cunt hunt basically. Zander says, hi Lids, executive order for you here.

Sorry. My laptop's being weird. That's a weird message. Ignore that bit then. Is this live? Has it just disappeared? No, it's fine, I just had one of those. Senior moments. I just had a senior moment.

If you don't edit that out, Finn, I'll fucking kill you. And now I've been funny about it. So now I'm staying in. Fuck off. Hi lids executive order for you here might be controversial, but Sunday trading hours are bollocks. Why do I have, uh, why do I have extra bother on the weekends worrying about if I have everything everything I need for a dinner on a Sunday or cutting plans short because I ran out of bog roll at 3pm? Because I don't know if you've tried buying the ingredients for a proper meal in a corner shop but it's fucking impossible unless you're remodeling your house.

Never mind, a corner shop? I'm all for workers' rights and I would encourage a system to allow people a similar share of time off of the over the weekend to spend with their families or enjoy themselves on those two special days. But I think big shops should be allowed to stay open later on a Sunday. It's because of Jesus. It is because of Jesus. Because of their imaginary friend. Yeah, because of Jesus. Now Tesco shuts at four o'clock because of Jesus.

Yeah. Oh, Jesus is going for a scram with his nan. I hate nothing more than getting to like five o'clock on a Sunday and going, what shall we have? And you're like, oh, I can't decide. My executive order along these lines, a twist on this would be that every day of the week is they can have the names, but they're the same. Every day is the same. There's no weekend. Every day is Monday. No, there's no Mondayays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Wednesdays, Sundays. It's just day.

But there's no different rules on them. They're all just the same day. And it's a four-day work-in-week. And the people working, who were on like nine to five, who have a work-in-week, can pick the four days of those seven each week that they want to work. And you just call it one, two, three, four, yeah. Yeah.

Just shift work it. Everyone can just do that. They just pick it out. If you want to go days, two, three, four, yeah. Yeah. Just shift work it. Everyone can just do that. They just pick that out. If you want to go days of the week, my favorite, when we were talking about travel earlier, I went to a place called Turkmenistan and they had the nuttiest dictator. And he not only built a hundred foot gold statue of himself

that revolved to follow the sun, but he changed the name of the days of the week in Turkmenistan to name them after his children. I think that's the way to go. Sick. That's next level dictator isn't it? Yeah, it's seven. It's perfect. Yeah, but you don't want to be the Tuesday kid. You're not. Well, Tuesday's gone.

Yeah, but that's what I mean. You don't want to be that kid. You don't want to be the Wednesday kid. You want to be the Saturday kid. I don't think you want to be his kid, to be honest. Yeah, but what's Saturday? Have you just, everyone forgets? I mean, it's all just... So do we lose weekends is what we're saying? Yeah, no, you can pick your own weekend. All right. But mean, it's all just. So do we do we lose weekends is what we're saying? Yeah, no, you can pick your own weekend. All right. But then, yeah.

Something special about a Saturday night, though, where everyone's off. You want everyone having the same weekend apart from the people selling food. No, like a Sunday should stay open the same as a Friday. And if you don't want to work, then there's somebody who does want to work. Also, hang on, is it not just more part time hours for people?

Yeah. Like, like, no disrespect, when I was on, is it not just more part-time hours for people? Yeah. Like, no disrespect, when I was 18, 19, you just got a job, didn't you? No one was like, oh, I can't work on a Sunday morning because I'm 19. Because of Jesus. I had all sorts of jobs. So just open up more hours that you can give people. This is quite a sensible... It's good for the economy as well.

Jesus, this has all gone quite sensible. Can we just let pubs stay open? Pubs. Telling us when to go home. What the fuck? I mean, 15 years ago we were told that's it. It's all gone, they can stay open as late as possible. They're just not. What happens?

And then apart from that one place in New Brighton, which I can recommend, four o'clock in the morning. I think you'd love the drinking hours of Liverpool. Is it different? Pubs till three, four a.m. No fucking Cheltenham, that's it. Eleven o'clock, It's a dead zone. In Liverpool, you can drink from nine AM till seven AM.

So it's like an airport. Yeah. There's a little gap. And in most places where you say that, it's all gets like the later in, well, earlier into the morning, you get like later into the morning. You know what I mean? So you know where it gets worse and worse. There is good boozing till 10 o'clock. That's what I'm saying. There's, You know, I can always find somewhere late,

but it's normally, you're either gonna get stabbed or it's desperate, but I wanna go somewhere fun. Liverpool, you would love a Liverpool. I mean, I hate to say it, but New Brighton was where I experienced that. I'm not saying it's not in Liverpool. This episode is sponsored by New Brighton. It's all happening over and over.

I had no idea where I was coming, but I did have a great night. Speaking, we, a couple of weeks ago, Dan had a week off because he was bathing his wife. He was bathing his wife? He was bathing his wife and his kids were... She's a big woman. Okay, yeah. And I had Thomas Green join me here and we had Nick Helm on the show. And we asked, we went around the room

and asked everyone what their perfect Sunday was. And since then I've wanted to do it with Dan and I'd love to do it with you as well. So- I don't think you do really with me. Why? What's your perfect Sunday? I mean really dull.

No, no, no, dull is good. Dull is your happy. Really? Yeah, man's quite dull as well. Yeah, I just want a day where I don't get off the sofa. No golf obviously, but off the sofa. No golf obviously but off the sofa, lying on the sofa, everything by Deliveroo. But what are you watching, what are you eating, who's with you? I'm watching Noah my dogs, that's it. Wife is not allowed in, she's downstairs in the basement. It's not a special basement, it's just a basement. I'm on the sofa

all day, I do not move, everything is bought by Deliveroo, my children are made to work to bring the Deliveroo from the door to the sofa. Two dogs with me. They don't move either. They don't have walks that day. It's complete chill. And I just watched total shit. Probably just a whole season of below deck. I'm obsessed with below deck. I don't know if you know below deck, but I know. All right. What are you eating though? It's everything. It's cheat day. Like Chinese, like pizza, Lebanese, I like a lot. Chinese will have them, then an Indian. Pretty much everything.

This is, this is honestly, and I'm not trying to be bleak. This is what the end of my life will look like. Well, I'm at the end of my life and it's looking like that. I'm gonna be on the couch. How old are you? 56. Oh, shit. Why? You look good for 56. I know, but I am, I'm near 56. Oh, shit. Why? You look good for 56.

I know, but I am. I'm near death. He means you. Go on, Dan, what's yours? What's yours? It'd be great for you if I die now. This week, it'd be fucking great. That, look, honestly, I just... You know when people are like,

oh, God, towards the end it was pretty bleak. It looks like my couch watching what I want constantly and not having to move sounds fucking great. No, but like now watching Sunday, like, is that... Take us through the whole day. So you wake up... Ah, ah, ah, ah! Right. Alarm. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Oh, I'd love an alarm on a Sunday. I'd love a proper line. What time do you get out? Are you, like, a late riser? Well, I'm an early riser now because I've got small children who are bullying me. Oh, motherfuckers. Yeah, I hate they just they just want to live the day the letter Yeah, so in your fantasy the kids can be having a lion. Maybe they've had like his annex Right, well they can do what they want. Maybe maybe they don't know they've had a Xanax

I'm in the Seychelles. I don't give a fuck where they are. They can sleep as long as some days in the Seychelles No, I woke I wake's in the Seychelles. So I woke up in the Seychelles. No, no, no, no. What's it there for Sunday? This is mine, Seychelles kids, Cheshire. I didn't know we could pile a cocaine. I didn't know we could travel for it. Do Seychelles have cocaine?

They do now because it's my purpose on the day. I'm joining you. I'm going off the sofa. Big pile of cocaine. No, you get up and Laura's took the kids out. Right. Do you wake up'm going off the sofa. Big pile of cocaine. You get up and load us, fuck the kids out. Right. Do you wake up? No, the kids bring you the cocaine, then they fuck off.

Let him finish his seashells one and then we'll make him do a proper one. Why do I have to be at home for my people? You already called Aldi with us. You already told me I could travel. Is this a big pile of cocaine and Dom Jolly's there? No, nobody told me we could travel. Otherwise I wouldn't be on the fucking sofa.

I'd be in the seashells. Well you can, it turns out my purpose one day is a big pile of cocaine in the seashells with Dom Jolly and his two dogs who aren't allowed to move. We're having brunch. Yes, yes. My dogs are fucking Hoovers though. We're not gonna get much.

And then we go for the biggest dog walk in history. Yeah. As they do limes of the same smart dog walk. Yeah, and then I'll have, is there a Hickories on the Seychelles? Well, you're not hungry. Just fucking Hoovered cocaine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You've ruined Sunday. Some sort of gangbang. Not with Dom. It's the perfect Sunday. So then I get to watch the NFL on a come down. Great. You not get hungry when you're on the shade? I mean, it lessens it a little bit. Does it, yeah? Yeah, I mean, you know.

Is the calories in cocaine? No, it's pretty calorie free. It is full of trouble. That's not recommended. So, yeah. So, yeah. That sounds good, but the cocaine, is that why people get cocaine skinny?

That's not what you meant to say to someone who's not allowed to do cocaine. You're gonna go, fucking hell, Dan. That sounds good. I know you're sort of a therapist for a while, but I didn't realize it was Dan, that sounds good. I know you saw the therapist for a while, but I didn't realise it was fucking net zero on calories. It's very Norish, isn't it? And you have put weight on, get on it.

So Seychelles, the hickories in the Seychelles. Don't fit you on the side of the game. Amazing. It's just fine. Spilled the hickories in his perfect Sunday. Now, within the realms of your general life, it could happen this Sunday. Could happen, yeah.

Yeah. What's your perfect this coming Sunday? Ah. Seychelles, wake up. And there's no cocaine on the Seychelles. You're not allowed cocaine anymore, Tom. It's just, you're with me on the separate. No, but his perfect Sunday morning.

You overdid it, didn't you? Right, right, right. So I wake up on Sunday morning, and just before I wake up, Laura has hit her head pretty hard And has had some sort of trauma and has come round. You know when people get a different accent when they come round from drama Oh, yeah, she's Chinese That's it and she decides she loves blowjobs all of a sudden. So that's the first four hours in the morning Are you available to do the audio for this story when I write it?

This is your fantasy Sunday And you've had to get your wife a head injury I'm available to do the audio for this story when I write it. This is your fantasy Sunday. And you've had to get your wife a head injury. Your wife's got a head trauma, turned Chinese and giving you blowjobs. That sounds great to be fair. It does sound like a smashing morning, I have to say. It wouldn't be a perfect Monday because we'd kick you dead. I don't know if you were doing drugs.

You know what I mean? We wouldn't allow it. What the fuck do you know about it? Well, I'm not going to come in and tell you. Oh, they wouldn't be so. I'm going you wake up, you get a Chinese blowjob off your head from his wife and then she lets you do a load of shite

and you come in here on Monday and we go, have you been up to it? You tell us none of it. Yeah, secrets. Many, many secrets. You taking the kids to park? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When I'm at a four hour blow job

and loads of cocaine. How old are your kids? All I think is. How old are your kids? They enjoy this podcast? They are not allowed to watch this podcast. No, it's weird. They're four and eight.

Oh, okay, yeah. But now. Yeah, not long now. Yeah. So what do you want to hear? Oh, I want to put on a coat and just walk through the autumn breeze. Oh, and just, you know, when you get a latte and it's not too milky and it's not too coffeey and then all the fucking wind hits you on the face and you're like, oh god,

Shetland Park's lovely. In a gator city in the world and then Liverpool win the league in the autumn. And then, you know, big pile of shite and then Pogues. Oh, it's so perfect Sunday. Are yours not waking up, having a cold plunge, feeling good, having a hickories, watching the NFL? What's a hickories? It's a meat restaurant. Also, he's just describing what I did on Tuesday.

So what's special about this? Oh, you're living the life then? What's a hickories? That smoke shit barbecue. Yeah, like a Texan. I don't think we have that in the South. Why Is that smoke shit? Barbecue. Like a Texan. I don't think we have that in the South. Why do we have that? Good shit.

It's around the North West. Is it in New Brighton? There's one near New Brighton. West Kirby. West Kirby. That's all I'm interested in. You should move here. I've moved to New Brighton.

Chetlum sounds shite. Chetlum sounds shite. He does just become the mayor of New Brighton. I'm just letting you know. I'm trying to get someone to turn up next time at the Floral Pavilion, that's all it is. I know you've got the horses down in Cheltenham. We do. We've got horses up here.

Yeah, but the horses come over for a week. All of Ireland moves to Cheltenham. Meanwhile, I organise a burglar away weekend. And we have just a coachload of burglars go off to Ireland and we fucking clean up every year. It's amazing. I actually did it. You could still do that for a year. I actually did it. All the Irish were arriving at the festival and I hired a coach and it just said, Ireland

burglary tour and we're all dressed in stripy tops. Kicking on, they just didn't find it funny. But there you go. You can also get bread sauce and hickories. Okay, bread sauce. We'll just stop right here. Is literally my favorite thing. I know it is.

How the fuck do you know? You don't know that. Why do you think I randomly brought it up? It's got written there. What? How do you know that? We know cause I've never said that anywhere. Have I said that?

It's my favorite thing. I have bread sauce on bread on toast sandwiches, bread on bread. How the fuck do you know that? We know everything. That's that's I mean, but your research has been terrible so far. And then you want to know what we know, but we didn't get around to? I'll tell you what's bollocks, because I write my own Wikipedia,

so most of it's made up anyway. Did you once buy a World War I biplane? That is bollocks. I made it up, but no, I didn't. Okay, how do you all fucking use this? No, no, no, no, no. I put that in my Wikipedia. Yeah, but he should research it and find out if it's true.

Well, actually, I've never said that wasn't true, but I did that because I realized that lazy journos would only ever just go on your Wikipedia. Yeah but he should research it and find out if it's true. Well actually I've never said that wasn't true but I did that because I realised that lazy journos would only ever just go on your Wikipedia. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uh well actually I've never said that wasn't true but I did that because I realised that lazy journos would you a diplomat in Prague? I was, yeah. That's fucked. I can speak Czech. Božal nem lovim český. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ooh. Yeah. I'm talking my perfect...

You can get on the fucking treadmill, asshole. You can speak Arabic, Czech, French, English. I can speak Arabic, Czech and French, yeah. Went to school with a Soma bin Laden. I think we've been through that. Yes, I have. Once got in trouble with a member of the Italian mafia. Oh fuck yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, I did. So I'm. I'm quite bad on road rage.

And I was on a family road trip on the Amalfi coast and I drive, I learned in Beirut. So I drive like I'm in Beirut and the traffic on the Amalfi coast isn't great. It's always like a, you know, you're right. It's tight little lanes. Anyway, we stopped because there's this fantastic view. No one's moving anyway. So we stop and I'm taking a picture out the window, the van behind like honking away. I'm taking a picture out the window, the van behind honking away. So I'm just straight out the window, fuck you, shut up. You know, like I'm just being British abroad. This guy got out.

He was honestly like, if I had to cast like the main executioner for the mafia, he was like bulging with veins and he was coming towards us. My kids are in the back, they're screaming and crying. I'm like the worst dad in the world. So I just screech off, I just like hit the accelerator and we screech off the wrong way down the Amalfi coast, just getting away. This guy's chasing us in the van, my kids are screaming, my wife is like literally wanting to murder me, it

was a nightmare. I got away from him though in the end, but we had to hide. But as we went past him, sorry, this is the important part of the story. So he was, he overtook us at one stage and stopped the van, got out. I then had to overtake him again. As we went past, he punched my rental car and I thought, that's all right, it'll be fine. When we got to wherever we got to, there was literally his handprint. The guy was made of metal. That was terrifying. That was bad. Isn't that worth the story though? Like the moment of fear to be able to tell that story forever. But I felt really bad with my kids because they're quite traumatized about.

We took, I took... They can't go with Frankie and Benny anymore. I drove my whole family from the Cotswolds to Istanbul and back when they were like nine and 12. And we got shot at in Serbia and that was bad as well. So the kids are, they're not happy on road trips. I get it. Why did you get shot at? Because, so we were coming right to the Serbian border

We were getting to the border and we came around a corner and this guy stepped out Policeman and tried to stop us like for speeding and I went past things. I didn't see him So we kept driving and he got a gun out and shot at the car. I wasn't trying to get away I just couldn't stop and we were like a mile away from the frontier so I thought I'm not stopping now, this is a fucking nightmare. So we just sped for the frontier, got to the frontier and got through as he sped up so that was good. But again kids not that relaxed in the back. Jesus Christ. It's quite fun though.

Churchill said there's nothing better than to be shot at and they miss. There's nothing more exciting in the world and that is true. It's probably exhilarating. Yeah, we live in Liverpool, you've got to have experienced that, haven't you? Once, I know that one's true, banned from Western Super Mayor? Yep, I'm banned from Western Super Mayor. You didn't get shot at in Western Super Mayor?

I did. Shot at someone twice. So Western Super Mayor, they, I wrote, I filmed there for a week and I wrote that it was a bit of a shithole, because it is a shithole. And I got a letter from someone. So Western Super Mayor, they... I wrote, I filmed there for a week, and I wrote that it was a bit of a shithole, because it is a shithole, and I got a letter from the mayor of Western Super Mayor, who I presume is the Western Super Mayor mayor,

and he sent me on official note paper a thing saying, and I remember it because it's framed in my Lou, saying, for the rest of your natural life, you are banned from Western Super Mayor. And I remember thinking, who gives a shit? I'm never going back there. And then two months later, someone says, it's kicking off a Western Supermarine, you need to check this. So I click a link and it's this YouTube thing.

The mayor is doing some sort of fundraising day. And the whole thing is a Dom Jolly Hate Day. He's got a slug race where all the slugs are named after me. They've built a really realistic effigy of me on a pyre. And the fucking guy sets light to it. And a bunch of Western Supermaries are all dancing around it. It's like a Wicker Man there. You can go back as a ghost though. I could go back as a ghost yeah. Good to know. Are you aware of my ghost? No, it just said all your natural life. Yeah that's right.

Yeah but it means I'm dead. I'm you know I've got better things to do when I'm dead. I'm not going to Western Super Marys. Yeah If you're living in Weston-Super-May, you're dead already, so. Ha ha ha. One sold his apartment to Salomon Rondon. Salomon Rushdie. Salomon Rushdie. Sorry. Do you know who Salomon Rushdie is? Yeah.

Ha ha ha. Because otherwise, this is going to make no sense at all. I reckon they're dead. On the life. I did. So Salomon Rushdie, if you don't know, is the writer who pissed off his lamb and got a fatwa against him, and so he went on the run for like six years.

Just as he was still on the run, I was setting my flat and notting Hill and it had a double roof terrace. And my estate agent wouldn't tell me... First he said I couldn't be around when the person came, so immediately, like, why? And then wouldn't tell me who it was. So obviously I sat in my car outside and watched, and it was fucking Salman Rushdie.

I couldn't believe it. Salman Rushdie was buying my flat. So I thought, in the best joke that I sadly chickened out of, I had a double roof terrace, and I was going to retile it. So the next time Google Earth went over and it took a photo, it was going to say, Salman Rushdie is hiding here. But I chickened out, because I did think if he got killed, it would be, and of course, recently he got stabbed,

which is not funny. So yeah. And the other one played for Everton. Oh, OK. Yeah. Hasn't got a fat war against him. I don't think he's got a fat war in him yet. Also, I wouldn't have known who he was.

Yeah. He's not welcome back. He's had an Everton. He's had the toffee, he's fat war against him. He's not welcome. He's's had an ever... He's had the toffees fat or hard against him. He's not welcome. He's shite. And you have pet pigs? I used to have pet pigs.

I had three pet pigs, but I moved into Cheltenham and the neighbours just weren't into having the pigs. So they now live with my neighbours in where I used to live in the country. Like big pigs? Yeah, yeah. So the first one I got was, my wife went to a book club and there was a guy, he'd been given a pig to look after because he had a big garden and someone there was a big

Moment when Paris Hilton people like that all had Mike Mike. Yeah. Well, there's no such thing as a micro pig They're just baby pigs and they grow so these fucking idiots buy them and then when the pig starts growing they get rid of them So this was one of them and so they this pig was you know didn't have a home So my wife came back and said you want a pig? I said, yes, I do. And so the pig came and lived with us and we were living on a farm. We had an arga. So there were a lot of like weird things like my kid would be cooking a bacon sandwich while the pig was lying under the arga going, oh, smells good. What's that? I go, don't worry about it. Yeah. And then it just, it's one of those things like people just thought, you know, anyone got any pig problems, Dom Jolly will take them.

So suddenly I was being given pigs. So I had three by the time we left. What did you name them? Well, the first one came as Wilbur, which was a bit unoriginal after Charlotte's Web. But I had Sir Francis, as in Sir Francis Bacon. And then I had another one called Stanley, because Stanley was found wandering around at Crington Stanley in the morning

And he'd been really badly beaten. It wasn't funny actually and he was a really scared pig And so I took him and he was the sweetest pig Stanley. So yeah, he's great pigs genuinely I've got Labradors that are really fucking smart, but the pit everyone goes on about how smart pigs are Insanely smart and they can almost do combination locks. They come for half an hour as well. They ejaculate for half an hour. Oh my God, so I used to, don't judge me, but for some reason I wore Uggs one winter.

I've never seen you want tough pigs. And I used to be, I'd be writing in the kitchen and my pig just fell in love with my Uggs. So I'd be writing, suddenly my Uggs would be like gripped in a vice-like grip. There'd be quite a lot of grunting and then the release. And they were just pig semen stained in the end and had to be thrown away. And they got very weird, like... Like little twisty cocks.

Corkscrew penises so you can't withdraw and there's too much detail, I think. Well, if I know anything about podcastinging you always end on the pig cum. That's been a great episode. I don't know if it has. Oh it's been brilliant. Oh it has. All right I'll take your word for it. Superb.

It absolutely has. Thank you for having me anyway but more importantly remember I'm on here, none of you know who I am, you're too young. But Trig Happy TV was really funny 25 years ago. And I'm doing live shows and they're gonna be even funnier. So come along. And visit New Brighton. And visit New Brighton. And can I just say thank you again

to whoever those people were, because you were fucking great. domjolly.tv And remember, if you're gonna get pigs, watch your Uggs. Have we got a song to play out with? Yes, we've got a song. This week is a band called The Falls, it's not The Fall, and this is their tune, Waiting for Yesterday.

Thanks everyone. Love you. Thank you, Dom. Thank you. Bye. I'm not a man, I'm a man Sunset on your promised land So you look up to the sky and say You wanna run away, why do you wanna run away? Drunk love and old cliches, cause your generation, praised for fame

Do you want it all? How much do you want it all? Stargazing runaways Trying to find a way to escape So lost and out of place Waiting for the time to change While I'm watching the sky turn grey Waiting for the yesterday to come Waiting for the air to cope

When the fear's still in the air to cope We're now throwing our life away When the fear's still in the air to cope When the fear's still in the air to cope Stars fall upon your feet But you still seem to feel the need for greed Do you want it all? How much do you want it all? Drunk love and claims to fame Cause your generation's all the same

Do they need it all? How much do they need it all? Stargazing on the waves Trying to find a way to escape So lost and out of place Waiting for the time to change While I'm Watching the sky turn grey Waiting for yesterday to call

Waiting for yesterday And I'm throwing my heart away When the yesterday The day to come, when the yesterday Run away, won't you run away with me? Run away, won't you run away with me? Run away, won't you run away with me? Run away, won't you run away with me now?