Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #337 with William Thompson - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Starting point is 00:00:00 What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

Starting point is 00:00:23 And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Starting point is 00:00:43 Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Starting point is 00:01:13 Appreciate it. And I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. Hello everyone. Before we start today's amazing episode of the have a word podcast, we need to tell you about our patron, patreon.com slash Have A Word pod.

Starting point is 00:01:26 It's one of the biggest patrons in the world. It's the biggest in the UK for good reason. Isn't it, Finn? Yeah, you get an extra episode every week of this. You get all the specials. How many specials is it now? There's about 743. And they're all unbelievable TV level stuff. Lock-ins, we've been to Nashville, we've been to India, we've done so much. If you enjoy the vibe of the Have A Word podcast,

Starting point is 00:01:49 become a lid, join the Lid Army, patreon.com slash have a word pod. Also, Adam is one of the best comedians in the country. Go and see him live. I'm a good comedian, I couldn't say that. You're one of the best in the country, don't put yourself down. Go and find my tickets as well.

Starting point is 00:02:04 We do loads of live stuff and we've got a huge announcement coming soon tweak a nipple get excited sign up to the patreon enjoy the episode. Finn was great in it. Always. the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only Have Award. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist grooming. Go Ed, get on me. Good morning. Good morning. Very early in it. isn't it? Nice though, I feel great. Not for humans, we're not human. This is quite middle of the morning.

Starting point is 00:02:48 Yeah, I've done rush hour traffic to talk shit. I am up and out at the minute. Got the builders in, I'm on me period. Every morning the builders stand up at 7 a.m. So I have to be up and out as soon as possible. So I'm in this weird sort of a routine of getting up and out. Tell you what, when you get up and out early,

Starting point is 00:03:10 days are longer. Yeah. I always find it's bad how long it takes to get to midday. Yeah. But then after midday it's like, ugh. Like up until midday, it's like, oh, Tony, I have to. Only if you wake up at the right time though. If you wake up at the right time early and you're like,

Starting point is 00:03:24 oh, actually I've slept enough, bit of caffeine, and then it is a long day, unless you do that thing where you've fucked your sleep a bit and you're a bit sleep deprived. And then, oh my God, midday feels like seven at night. Well, I am permanently sleep deprived at the minute. Is that like blinking by the way? For your health anxiety, I'm going to say yes.

Starting point is 00:03:45 They're all blinking. They're all blinking. No, George. Feel, uh, maybe I blinked. Um, is this room blinking? The room goes dark for the second that you want your eyes closed. Second, millisecond. Yeah, I'm, I'm permanently sleep deprived. I mean, generally anyway, always have been. Bill a second probably.

Starting point is 00:04:07 Yeah, I'm permanently sleep deprived. I mean, generally anyway, always have been. But at the minute I'm asleep at like 1am and up at 7am. No, two is not enough, is it? No. No, do you? And you don't like the new year's news, do you? Oh, no, that's a lot. Yeah, so it's just a bit much at the minute, you know?

Starting point is 00:04:24 You know? But, house is house'n. Decken is decken today, you know? It's gonna be fucking, this Saturday, mate, I'm gonna have a little coffee on me decken. And that's the dream. On your French patio. On my French patio.

Starting point is 00:04:39 It's gonna be class. It's got the deckers in. Why is it French? Why? Why is it French? Because I'm gonna have some cheese. Yeah, it's not French until you go on it. And if you're not French.

Starting point is 00:04:50 You're only allowed to speak French on it. Oh, do an impression of a French person. I want the cheese and the coffee. Oh my god. The tea, the tea. But no one else is in the house, it's the same. Okay, that's the rules. I would do that, by the way, in the house I'm in.

Starting point is 00:05:02 I have a German patio, but it gets pretty racist. Only with you, aren't I? I would do that by the way, anyhow, it's on me. I have a German patio, but it gets pretty racist. Only with your on it. Oh yeah, other jokes on me and not the history of Germany. So yeah, I'm in this Ru scene, I'm up early, I'm out, I'm getting stuff done, I'm a lot more productive at the minute and I've still... Fitter, happier, more productive. I do, I do wonder how people truly have their shit together. Cause it's easier not to, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:05:31 No, it's not just easier not to. Like at the minute, I feel like I'm getting so much done. Yeah. Like for the last two weeks, I've been more productive than I've ever been as an adult, ever. And I've still got more to do now than I had two weeks ago. So you've responded to the pressure that you've put on yourself

Starting point is 00:05:52 by booking all of these things in and the house and everything. So you are doing more, but it's still not enough. Yeah. So if you take this energy into normal life, you'll be fine. No, no, I won't, because I'm getting up at 7 a.m. and really getting going and getting stuff done. I'm awake till one o'clock in the morning sorting stuff out. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:13 And I'm working sort of every second that God sends. And that's still not enough. So I don't know how anyone's doing it. You're overbooking. Why are you doing it with kids, mate? Why? Why are you doing it with little kids? There's no extra efforts in having a kid. It's just a fucking baby sitting over there, pooing and watching bluey. Oh, it's coming in. It's coming. Shut

Starting point is 00:06:36 up. Put your dummy in. Have a yogurt. Dummy yogurt and fuck off. That's how we raised ours. Take the dummy out, tweet the yoghurt on. You're not getting out the cage. Watch Bluey and stop crying. You've got fucking yoghurt everywhere. Fuck off. You're gonna have to get yoghurt on my Ikea rug, mate. Oh shit.

Starting point is 00:06:59 Can I throw the ball over to Mr. Robinson? What for? I've got some news. I bought a house. Have you actually bought it? Yeah, baby. throw the ball over to Mr. Robinson? What for? I've got some news. I've got? I bought a house. Have you actually bought it? Yeah baby. Fuck off.

Starting point is 00:07:09 Why did that take six months less than either of these two took to buy a house? Harry, just let you know that I have had enough house chat, so this is the only update we'll have. Don't make the whole podcast about houses. Next time I hear about it is when you're selling the fucker. All right, cheers. So I viewed it on Saturday and I bought it yesterday. Craig David. Oh shit, Craig David. Bought a house yesterday. Viewed a house on Friday. But it doesn't feel, I don't feel adult enough to have a house. I kind of thought that when it would like go over the

Starting point is 00:07:42 line I'd go on and I'm like a grown up, but I'm not. Did your dad help you buy in this house? No. Cause it's fucked. No, no. I'll be all right, dad. It's on fire, you know, I'll go out. I asked him for some advice, but he was a bit like,

Starting point is 00:07:55 I was like, should I get a mortgage advice? And he was like, ah, it's a load of ballocks, that mortgage advice. But he also says that about politics and Father's Day. So I was like, oh, I'll probably get a mortgage. He's right about some of that. But let's not get him involved in buying expensive things anymore. Solicitors just bagged had said that you don't need a solicitor. He was like, you don't trust

Starting point is 00:08:16 email. I'd like the paper. But I also don't think I've got my priority straight as well. Cause when we went to view the house mid viewing, I went on Deliveroo to see what food would deliver to the house. That is a very good thing. Do you know what I thought Ellie was like, what are you doing? I was like, no, it's important. It's very important. I didn't ask questions about the house. I then had to ask on the phone after. What's the questions? Is this a house? Yeah. Kind of. Hang on. Just to, cause I've had issues with this. I've tried to buy a car and they've gone, I should have said, is this a car?

Starting point is 00:08:45 Is this a house? Is this definitely a house? Yeah, it is. Look at it. It's got windows. It's got a roof. Sound. It's a house. Yeah. And it's got a garden office. Have you not seen it?

Starting point is 00:08:58 Yeah, I've seen it. It's a little doozy like. Yeah, it's nice. It's got a little doozy. Like a little wank palace. Front drive needs sorting, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a little bit. Did you doozy from drive me to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit.

Starting point is 00:09:06 Did you say fuck palace? Wank palace. The house is the fuck palace. The garden office is the wank palace. It's like the queen. Yeah, two bit things. Yeah. Are you a big Chinese man?

Starting point is 00:09:14 Last time I checked. Are you a big Chinese man? Castle. Yeah, I don't mind the Chinese. I mean, it's got to be like tofu on it. It's got to be like a little bit of a Chinese thing. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:22 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you a big Chinese man? Yeah, I don't mind the Chinese. I mean, it's got to be like tofu on it. I don't really Oh shit. I don't know who's cooking it. Like I don't like as much as I eat fried chicken or I don't trust Chinese meats. So I just do like the tofu and the bean sprouts. I don't trust Chinese meetups. So where do you think the Chinese get me from England? China. They usually get the same places as the other restaurants to cook it differently. Oh yeah. That's what big Chinese wants you to think. Big Chinese. Well done. What you need to do is make sure you try a few

Starting point is 00:10:06 of the local Chippy, like don't just deliver to all the time. Cause the best place will not be on delivery. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? The best place will be busy enough that it doesn't need to be. So you have to do some investigations for your takeaway. I did that.

Starting point is 00:10:20 So my regular Chippy that I drive to is Chayous or actually Chews. I've got a new sign as well. They have got a new sign, but same old food in a good way. That's the advert. Got a new sign. It's the fucking best. Like what I get from there.

Starting point is 00:10:39 La la la la. They're class at what I get from there. Blink. la la la. The class of what I get from the Blink. But I, there's a chippy like a four minute walk from me new house. And I went and tried it last week. Nah. Oh, no. No. Someone at the country day, they shout out, I can't remember the names came up West End and the Pilton. Like where's the best chippy? I don't know, probably like Chayuse, but it's like quite a distance away from here. Yeah. Right. Okay. Half an hour later they came and gave me a portion of spring rolls from Chayuse. They got a taxi

Starting point is 00:11:13 there. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking insane. My life's changed. People at parties trying to get rid of spring rolls in a little baggie. Unbelievable. I've seen a spring roll there in a cubicle. How many do you not, so you done with that chippy now? You're one and done. Do you not give them like benefit of the doubt that you're having a bad day? No, first of all, it was bad vibes in there. Like all the staff were like arguing with each other

Starting point is 00:11:34 and like they didn't fuck my order up, but they were clearly like fucking a couple of things up and having to get things sorted. And a big thing for me with a Chinese chippy is the curry sauce. Oh, what color it is. No, not just what like, I mean, yeah, I like an orange one me. But even like chayous is not just more the green one. But it looks like baby poo. Yeah. That's how I feel. The salt pepper chicken and the baby. Should I please. Yeah, don't worry. He's like a yogger. He'll be fine.

Starting point is 00:12:06 Another twang to it. And it yeah. Now one and done. You know, you say when they're arguing with the argument in Chinese or in English. Well, this is the problem. This is a major red flag as well. It's not a Chinese. China does have a major red flag.

Starting point is 00:12:24 Hey, like it's one of the so you know my bit about like chippies in the film. It's one of them. There was no Chinese people there. It's got a full Chinese menu. The woman who saved me was white and I would guess the, all the men that were working there, the Greek, like they were from fucking is part of the world. What they do in the accent. Call me Greek. Why don't call me Greek. You right next door mate. Girls alone. Don't call me Greek. You're not Greek but you're the same. I don't speak French. Aren't you? No, no,

Starting point is 00:13:02 no, no. They're the same. Can you name this, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, that's good in there. I think they're Greek as well. I think they're all just scouse, aren't they? No, there's a mixture. I've seen it in the back. Yeah, no, it's not there.

Starting point is 00:13:29 Scouse Greek. No, just wasn't very good. So I'm one and done there, but there is a couple of others that I'm gonna try. Do you want serenity in a takeaway or restaurant setting? Surprises me, because you like a bit of needle. No, I don't mind them being like, I need that salt and pepper chicken now mind them like being like, I need

Starting point is 00:13:45 that sort of bit of chicken now. But it was like, you know, who's this for? What one's this for? What do you mean? Oh, you haven't done that yet. Like it was that. Oh, shite. Like there was confusion. I don't mind like aggressive cohesion. Oh, gentlemen, that's what they say to each other. What the fuck is this? Those are all I don't mind that. But like there was a angry confusion and aggressive cohesion at opposite ends of the chippy spectrum. Angry Confucius. Sure. That's damn, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:14:22 But yeah, make sure. So you say you've bought it, you didn't have you moved in. After you've done Deliveroo, get a survey. Let's not get priorities mixed up. So I don't know how things work, but I'm sorry, we still have to get like, they might come in and say, if I go, this is a load of shite. Yeah. So then it might fall through. But then, you know, I'll just come on and go, I've not bought a house. If the house falls through, it will fail at serving.

Starting point is 00:14:49 Yeah, this has fell over this week. And then the bank, because obviously people go, this is what this is worth. And then you're like, oh, this is what I'm willing to pay. And then the bank can fuck that up by going, what you're on about. I think it was generously priced. I think you're going about. I think it was generously priced. I think, I think you're

Starting point is 00:15:05 going to be all right. And also we put 50 pound over because that's what we were told to do. And I like to live in the world that we want it by 50 pounds. We probably didn't. I always put 51. Yeah. And then people think 50, but then then people might think 51 and then you're fucked because you're just going to do forever. I do 63 at that point I think. Yeah no one's going 64 are they? No, we all can't. The better man is one. Yeah. Or one. Let me go buy houses. They can. Not in China. I'd guess. So yeah Harry's becoming, he's very fast becoming a man. Honestly, I got this mustache and then it's just been fucking plain say them there. Like, can I just ask you as a fellow mustache where does it make you feel fucking confident? It's the, uh,

Starting point is 00:15:55 a shag more. Yeah. Um, like sometimes I twiddle it at the end and I feel fancy at the end of sex. And that's me. Don't know. It's like, I'm a magician. I go to that. I don't just like twirled it. I don't think I could do the buzzy. Oh, but yeah, you absolutely could. Now you got such strong. No, I physically could obviously. No, but it would like it. I think if I came in with just the buzzy's at all, you just need someone to have a bit of belief in you. Yeah. I've got a lot of people, people around me. You support me. Just go for it. I just don't want to come in with a move. You can't just have a mozzie for movember. Yeah, you can. You can. The whole point of movember is you shave to the skin and then you grow just the mustache. I thought you could just shave a mustache

Starting point is 00:16:40 in. No, movember is meant to be, you look a bit stupid and people are like, what are you doing with you? And then go, Oh, it's cuz men get bollock cancer meter and they go Oh forgot about that and then they check the bollocks there and then yeah, okay in front of you in front of you You meant to you had to go go on do it do it I'm in it and then they rub it in your mustache. I don't check your balls I'm checking for lumps in your balls in it, you know because by their very nature they are two big lumps Yeah, but it's just you know, because by their very nature they are two big lumps. Yeah, but it's just, you know, you're basically looking for a third one.

Starting point is 00:17:09 Well that makes it easier, doesn't it? If you find a third one, that's when I found one when I was a kid, didn't I? On my uncle Billy. I found one when I was a kid and went to the doctor and he was like, no, that's your cump pipe, that. He was looking at his dick. The doctor was in an alleyway. Yeah, yeah, come to the doctor's. That's just like cump pipe.

Starting point is 00:17:30 Let's see if it works. Oh mate, check him for... I ate her. I do it in the shower. Yeah. Yeah. If I've not got rhino. Rhino dick. If you've got rhino, you're fucked mate.

Starting point is 00:17:44 I don't call it rhino sack anymore. I call that the plane has taken off and the wheels have gone. Yeah, but it goes all like rhinofied, doesn't it? It's like an armadillo. It's scratchy. I'm embarrassed by my ball sack sometimes. It's, you know, I've talked about my small penis. He's had too many drinks. Get off the German patio. I just think it's, it can go when it's in, you mean like walnut whip fucking.

Starting point is 00:18:15 Yeah. When it all just retracts. I love my bollocks when they're like that. That's the best I ever feel about them. Like a badger braid. When I've got dangly bollocks, like I don't like that. I like a little fucking... What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, no, it all just sort of purchase. You can't sit forward, doesn't it?

Starting point is 00:18:50 What sits on your bollocks? It does in Rhino mold mode. Rhino mold. Rhino mold is just an armadillo. But like it sits on and goes down. So it's always the tip of your cock below the bottom of your bollocks? No. I don't think so.

Starting point is 00:19:09 It's just for people with big willies, isn't it? Yeah. I'm sorry, yet you. I'm going to my mate's this weekend. And... Flex. I'm taking presents. What do you think of this?

Starting point is 00:19:25 Were you visiting a mate? I haven't been down for two years. Plymouth. It's my mate, Matt. And he's in Salisbury now. Portsmouth. And he's got two sons, nine and 10, like around that age.

Starting point is 00:19:40 What are your names? So I've got like sweets, little fucking jar of pick and mix and I'm I'm put 40 quid in each. Fucking hell. That's a good, I feel like 40 quid cash. What the fuck? I feel like that's how you turn up as a fun fake uncle in it.

Starting point is 00:19:59 40 quid inside the pick and mix. So there's like a little jar. Yeah. I can't put it in can Can I? Right. Well then there's other worries there. If you go for pick and mix and you're like, oh, I love these. And then you've scranded a 20 quid note. I mean, as long as the kids aren't fucking hard of hearing. No, but it's like, is it a bit, is it money's a bit grubby in it? Yeah. So you don't want to in, maybe I'll like sellotape it on the side and be like,

Starting point is 00:20:25 well check the ingredients. Yeah, teach them the handshake move. Oh yeah. Yeah, kids, learn this. I fucking love- This is how you skip the queue at a busy restaurant. You've got to turn up with, you've got to turn up and drop the cool presents, haven't you?

Starting point is 00:20:40 40 quid to a dollar, you know, it's five million pounds. That is a Euro million's win, innit? That is quality. I reckon you could have got away with a tenner. That is a euro millions win in it. Yeah, that is quality I reckon you could have got away with a tenner No, I went 20 quid last time so I've had to factor in inflation and improve circumstances And go to bond these off teeth one, you know couple of bill. Yeah. Yeah, he would His kids are just be like, oh more of this

Starting point is 00:21:03 Yeah, I'd be surprised. That's another 40 quid on top of about 10 billion. He hasn't even got Mrs. Nevermind. If I turn up and he's got kids, he's been a busy little fucker since I've last seen him two months ago. Yeah, Bondi is 40 quid. What am I meant to do with that?

Starting point is 00:21:17 Clean me bellend? I got Matt's wife some jam. She's French. I got some French jam. What flavor? You know the, Hang on, stop. Right.

Starting point is 00:21:30 Ooh. Matt, is that his name? Yeah. Right. It is a name, sure from Matthew. How'd you know Matt? The name. I went to uni with him.

Starting point is 00:21:43 And we worked to the hyena. We did a Newcastle student radio together. Right. Early have a word? Yeah, I wanted to be a radio DJ until I found out it was shite. He's very tall. Matt, so Matt's Mrs. French? She is, yeah. Where did he meet her?

Starting point is 00:22:06 Surely Plymouth, It's near her. No, in a night in a nightclub in Coventry. Tailors all this time. City of romance. Right. Nothing gets you horny than a bombed out church. Okay. And how long has he been with her? Oh, he is 20 years. Yeah. Right. And she's French, like fucking French, or like just... He's fucking French. Oh, right.

Starting point is 00:22:30 Is she French French, or is she like a granddad went to Paris and claimed it? Does she speak English? Yeah, she speaks English. But I mean, she is fucking French. She's just... What's her name? Is she what? Is she all like, Is she like, we should get down down. He will bring the children money. It's not a million miles off. She's like Makeulor. Oh, Susanique. Maddou, it is me, Susanique, your wife. She's leaving the voicemail.

Starting point is 00:23:05 She's called French Susie is what everyone calls her. It's French Susan. You've bought her some French jam. Yeah. Right. Well, here's me question for you. What you meant to buy your mate's French wife? Oh, it's a French wife.

Starting point is 00:23:13 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:23:21 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm Right, well here's my question for you. What you meant to buy your mate's French wife? Oh. Something not French, I think. What?

Starting point is 00:23:33 Because, like, she's going to know for sure whether it's shit or not, isn't she? Oh, come on, man. It's born my mom. It's the one with the red and white fucking... Yeah, but like... Come on! Maybe that's like, you know, is that French hack? It might be. Yeah. Yeah. No.

Starting point is 00:23:49 What you get the French over that's going to have more jam. No one's ever got too much jam. It's a preserve. Don't go off, does it? Jam does. Honey doesn't. Honey is the only thing that doesn't go off in the food. Yeah, but jam doesn't go off for a while, though. It's just pure sugar. my girl loves a bit of toast

Starting point is 00:24:09 i think i think you should have got a something like jamon or polish or something careful yeah right back lava don't tell her why that's gonna be a war about a clava we're doing a job cover your fucking french face i'm here for two days love. I've got your wife a balaclava. Is she French or is she fucking French? I know what he means. Yeah I do. Never heard it put like that but I knew exactly what he meant. No she is like passport French. Like Eshan is Bangladeshi, he's not fucking Bangladeshi is he? He ate these shops as fucking French mate. Oh yeah, she's up there with dids.

Starting point is 00:24:47 But like Thierry Henry isn't nearly. Oh no, he's fucking French. I don't know, you know. Yeah, he's won a World Cup for them. Yeah no, he has. And he was born there. Didier Deschamps has won one playing ground manager. Oh right, so you're not fucking French until you've managed a World Cup win.

Starting point is 00:25:00 No, she's not fucking French. If anything, her lack of caps for France really lets her down. Where was she in 98? Coventry? You think she was there from the eight? I think so. That was 20 years ago. No, that was 30 years ago. They met in a nightclub in Coventry?

Starting point is 00:25:18 No, I wasn't 30 years ago. Don't say that. 27? Yeah, don't say 30 yet. Yeah, it's nearly 30 years ago, World Cup 98. 1998 was 27 years ago. 1998 was a full Jimi Hendrix life ago. The 1978 World Cup is dead now. Yeah, if they were a rock star. And it was a rock star. It was a fucking belter of a World Cup.

Starting point is 00:25:40 We'll be singing, we'll be winning. Oh, it was so good. That's upsetting. What's upsetting? How long ago 1998 was? Why? Like 2005, it was like 40 years ago. Why is that? Why are you last? Why does that matter? We're getting old aren't we? No. Yeah we are. We're in the prime of our life. Yeah but then we're about to not be. No we're not. We've got another like 20 years of feeling good. He hasn't. Amazing. I'm 11 years older than them, but the math doesn't work for me. You've got nine?

Starting point is 00:26:12 Oh no, I thought you meant I had none. Yeah, we've got 20 years of feeling good. He's 11 years older, already fucked. What a state of him. Fucking motorway miles on, Dan. Fuck a motorway miles on down. I reckon 55 will dip a little bit. 60 were fucked I think. Maybe not you. No, you're a little gimp. That's what you usually say.

Starting point is 00:26:36 I don't think you're fucked at 60. I think you're looking, you know, I think you're living a cleaner, healthier existence than I think, you know, you've got till 63 60 years ago was 80 water What like nowadays with modern medicine? But also lifestyle in it. Yeah, we're not like down the mines anymore I hate when they say like modern medicine as well. Like I don't think anything's changed. It's still the same policy So all this when I was a kid, that's not what keeps you getting older keep your paracetamol every day your bloody lips

Starting point is 00:27:07 are your 90. Apples are still apples and your offense still your offense like nothing's changed Apples, modern medicine. Are you still taking them things? Many men or whatever it's called many men and a man that one I ran out about two weeks ago and I haven't ordered a new tub yet. Maybe that's why I feel tired. I'm getting a lot of vitamin D. Ooh. Where's your mouth? Nice.

Starting point is 00:27:33 Thought it was gonna end in a gay joke, but it was against my dead mother. And it was absolutely valid. At the sunshine? Yeah. She's not getting any though. Oh. Oh, heaven's sunny.

Starting point is 00:27:47 Big fan of a German patty. Hell's even hotter then. Oh, sorry. Absolutely don't need to apologize. Five years ago you didn't need to apologize. Five years ago, you didn't need to apologize. No? Yeah, you just threw it in the time zone. We've always done mum jokes.

Starting point is 00:28:09 I once called this nan a slacker and you'd only left the podcast. That was different, mate. I didn't know nans were on the table. We've done a bit of dead mum... We've done dead mum banter. It's valid, isn't it? Also, it's easy because Izzy's gone, mine's gone. It's a fucking nice, even playing field.

Starting point is 00:28:24 He doesn't do much ball shit. I don't do much ice shit, we've had this weird unspoken agreement that's worked fine, but dead mum still's fine. Calling you Nana Slag was a bit of a shock to the system. Have we all lost Nans in here? Yeah, to the duke. I've got one standing. I've got one but she's lying down in my living room at the moment. She's doing Pilates. I might have one. but she's lying down in my living room at the moment. She's doing Pilates.

Starting point is 00:28:47 I might have one. Oh shit, Abuela. How do you know her name? I might have a Spanish name. Let's be clear. No, you definitely have. This is whether she's dead or not. Still alive.

Starting point is 00:28:57 She could just be sat somewhere like fucking. A Spanish guy. Was that film with the guitar? Stand by me. You've watched it. Kids film. Still alive. She could just be sat somewhere like fucking Spanish. Was that film with the guitar? Stand by me. You've watched it.

Starting point is 00:29:09 Kids film with the nan. Coco, that one. Like that. I saw it. It doesn't matter. I've had or have a Spanish grandad. Like, I can't think about that for too long because it blows my head off. Stupid. Some Spanish men look like me. Yeah. I can't think about that for too long because it blows my head off.

Starting point is 00:29:25 Stupid. Some Spanish men look like me. Yeah. I mean, you know, in a... It could be like, you know, like some people are just like fucking identical to the like half of the granddad. It could just be some fucking Spanish great granddad still out there. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:40 Great. Just you, but a bit older. Just playing with his yo-yo and counting mandarins. That's what I did. Counting mandar playing with his yo-yo and counting mandarins. Counting mandarin. A yo-yo Spanish? What? A yo-yo Spanish.

Starting point is 00:29:50 I just feel like old fellas in Spain are just like spending the day. Is that not castanets? No, they're doing yo-yos and counting oranges apparently. That's how they live so long. Smoke six here a day, yo-yo. Count mandarins. You know what I mean? No. Did you have a yo yo guy in school? Did you have a yo yo?

Starting point is 00:30:08 We had a yo yo guy come in and sell us yo yos in school, like in primary school. And told you to do the water dog and shit like that. Yeah. And the cradle. No, we just went to Toys R Us and got one. No, we had like an assembly. It was like, it was like yo yoyo propaganda where they were like, Hey kids, look what we can do with a yo-yo. And then at the end they gave us like a catalog and they were like, go home. So had the company gone, like a pound if they must've gone, we'll give it to like a book fund for the school or something. Cause I hate people aren't usually allowed into schools.

Starting point is 00:30:47 In my head he was Spanish though. That's why this has triggered that. I don't know if he was. But Carl's granddad came into my primary school, did an assembly about yo-yos. Hello everyone, I'm Carl's granddad. You don't know what that means. Never do I.

Starting point is 00:31:02 But, only yo-yo. Do you know what's really interesting about this? Not to make this too real. Well, you can do real, I'm gonna ask. Like, you, before Have A Word, had like very little time to talk about this or any sense of humor about it. Oh, it's like therapy, yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:17 Yeah. Me being able to joke like this, get it out, yeah. Yeah. You didn't used to do this until, and even early Have A Word, you were like very sort of tiptoeing around it. I didn't use to call my Nana a slag, but things change. This is like therapy. If someone had bring no one to help, well, they'd be like, let's talk about your dirty, dirty Nana. I mean, we made it never bring it up, but

Starting point is 00:31:44 like said, I can bring it up every now and again and whatever. And I used to just like me fate. I just well in like the mention of it as well. Oh really? Yeah. It was fucking, but she kept doing it. She was just testing me. They shouldn't know. But like even the mention of it because I'd never got it out. I've never ever spoken about it. I'd go, oh, and it was so intense. And now I do it all the time. I literally don't give a fuck anymore.

Starting point is 00:32:10 People can joke about it. I mean, not online. I still don't like that because you don't know me enough to do that. I'm the same with me eye. When like someone makes an eye joke who doesn't know me, if you do it or you do it, even that I'm not, I don't love. But like I accepted from your mates because I've sort of owned it by joking about it on

Starting point is 00:32:29 stage. When a stranger makes any sort of comments on it, I actually want to punch the red in. Yeah, yeah. It happens online. Sometimes people make a joke. It's the parasocial relationship of a podcast. And yeah, they just joined in with the band that we do. And like, it's hard to then go, you don't get to do it. And that's sometimes pisses me off. But so I'm not talking about it freely. It doesn't fucking anymore. It's weird. Maybe I give a fuck more than I think. Maybe I'd realize in 30 people. I think she never a hundred percent sure he that is anyway. So my dad might be some Spanish fellow playing when he's going up. I think it's Mick Rowe. No it is. Yeah. I've seen you all together. It is.

Starting point is 00:33:06 Somewhere in the multiverse, Mick Rowe is a Spanish guy playing with a yo-yo sat on his French patio. Don't do that. Busy day tomorrow in a school in Rille. A thousand units to move. As we've said before, that is the nature of infinity. There's another universe where Dua Lipa is my great great grandmother. And mum.

Starting point is 00:33:33 So the universe where Elton John is Dua Lipa and that song was not a duo, it was just him. Yeah, did two voices. So there's another universe where Dua Lipa was Hitler. Would it have been a bit weird being very attracted to Hitler? Oh, if Hitler was fit. Yeah, there's a universe where Dua Lipa was Hitler. There's a universe where Hitler was like a porn star and everyone followed him because he had big tits but he still did the same stuff but he was like hey and everyone was like oh Belzer and he had the emused legs and we're back. Yeah don't think about the nature of infinity for too long.

Starting point is 00:34:28 Because if you truly understand it and you do take it to the natural conclusion, which is the absurdity we've just done, it will drive you insane. But apparently top scientists to believe everything we've just said, Neil the grass Tyson is like, fucking hell, Dua Lipa did 9-11 and the Holocaust on the same morning. Once. And with your mused legs. And Hitler sold out Anfield. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:55 Did one kiss. He would have. And who let the dogs out? The crowd was just only seals. The guy who does the animal. Played my song. No! Stop asking seals! Oh, we've lost that one. That's too early. So we just did science. You're welcome. Oh, Macky's still serving breakfast. We're already talking about

Starting point is 00:35:26 Hitler Sound Out Hand Field and performance at 65,000. Seal clones. Oh! What is this? It's not related by the way. Documentary news. Oh, is it world news or just documentary news? No, this is a new other feature. All right, documentary news. I'm big into documentaries lately. I've watched quite a few. Biggest one and best one. The shark whisperer. Anyone watched it? No. Anyone watched it? Is it someone who can talk to sharks? Essentially, it's this woman called Ocean Ramsey. Her name is Ocean Ramsey. Oh yeah, didn't you say she's really fit? Is this the one that's in basic? She's like, kissed a shark? No, she literally knows sharks. She's mates with sharks. What, from school? Or some bollocks? No, it's not sharks. She's mates with sharks. What from school? Orthobolics.

Starting point is 00:36:05 No, it's not. And they tagged her and stuff. Like there's a shark called Roxy. And she's got a broken jaw. And it's dead sad because like humans have hurt her. And she gets in the sea and every now and again, she sees her and like she's mates with her. And I know it sounds insane what I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:36:21 If I was gonna be mates with a shark, I'd pick the one with the broken jaw. Then she swims with a great white. Like she rides it back. John Cena. She can like talk to them. He's always the answer. Honestly, it sounds like I'm chatting shit,

Starting point is 00:36:35 but she like talks to sharks. Cause they can like, do the old cat and I want the F1 thing. Sharks can communicate and understand things that are on our plane. So they understand the electro stuff in our body, like the electricity. So when she puts her hand on them,

Starting point is 00:36:52 they know who she is and they understand her. Honestly, it's wild. It seems like they understand her. You've been duped. No, they do understand her. Honestly, it sounds like I'm chatting shit. It's fucking insane. Right, I'll have to watch this. She's friends sounds like I'm charting shit. It's fucking insane. I'll have to watch this. She's friends with sharks, like the same sharks.

Starting point is 00:37:09 Sharks can smell women, can't they? What you're thinking there is women bleed, sharks can smell women. You're not meant to go swimming with sharks if you're on your period. I think that's quite obvious. I've got a mate of mine who can do that. You know, don't be on the period with sharks. A mate of mine can smell them women and are on, on the blob. Apparently that's quite common. They like a cock of spaniel. No, genuinely. Like I was stood, he came to a show of mine once and I was still talking to him and a girl and I'll come over to say like goodbye. And as she left, he went, she's on her period there and I was like

Starting point is 00:37:45 how do you know and he was like I can smell her and I can like I've got like a sense for it. Is that the worst possible single parent? At least he waited for her to leave. Blob man. You what? Why you annoyed? He wasn't questioning it he was like for a fact and I text her later and he was like, Oh, you didn't text her later. I was a friend. Why was it a friend? Yeah. You text her later just out of interest. You all was like, Amy, may tell me he's got like this, like heightened sense of smell before and he can tell when women are on the period is your pussy bleeding. You nearly got that okay there. And she went, yeah, Adam, yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:32 And you went, so just don't go swimming with sharks. Please for the love of God. I can't lose this friendship. But I mean, a lot of poop cruise watches last week, that was documentary. People are loving it. This week, the shark whisper Netflix. Just trust me, it is fucking mind blowing. How many episodes is it? Just one.

Starting point is 00:38:51 Hey, if she gets Steve Irwin, everyone's gonna be like, yeah, cause you're trying to fucking neck on with sharks. She went to the shark, kills me, you know, I get it. I put myself in their world, don't blame the shark. It's my fault. Yeah, it is, yeah. Yeah, but she's fucking unbelievable. This one gets me, this one gets me. Don't blame the shark. It's my fault. Yeah, it is. Yeah. But she's fucking unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:39:06 This one gets me. This one gets me. Don't eat me. Yeah, but that's that's true. They're like they're coming up to her and going, hey, and she's like, what's happening? And she's stroking them and she's got no fear. How's she talking underwater? That's what I'm saying. She's not talking. Is she like, oh, it's like vibes.

Starting point is 00:39:22 She's got like a Stephen Hawking machine. She takes that with her. This one is rocking, rocking, it's kind of broken jaw. If she talks on the top to people, so you can hear them talking then. Right. But it uses like the electricity in the body and they know and she's got friends who are sharks. But how does she control the electricity to tell her what tell the shark what she means? No, she doesn't. She's just touching sharks.

Starting point is 00:39:42 But like because of her calm demeanor and they know she's not a threat and they go oh we recognise this person we know she's not a threat. They literally visit her and become... She's getting fucking eaten. Wild. Wild. When a hungry enough shark comes up? No that's the thing, they don't eat us do they? They bite us to see whether we're food and that's why we don't get eaten by sharks, you get bitten by a shark and die. They bite us, they go, are you food? No. Because they think we're seal. The musician. And then because they sense that she's not prey and not like a threat, they're just, they just are harmonious.

Starting point is 00:40:20 So if you're in the water and a shark comes up, just relax and start touching them. No, apparently you're meant to relax and push their nose down or punch them on their nose and he swim off. I've heard that as well. Push their nose down and relax, which is obviously impossible for me to get sucked off by a shark. All these sharks are my mate. I'm not a threat. Smell that. For the me and a mortal. Obviously we are panicking. But if you've got the ability to be as calm as she is, that's what, you know, tells the shark that you're there to be friends. So I've got a, you know, if I get chance, got National Treasure.

Starting point is 00:40:55 Yep. I've got National Treasure 2. National Treasure 2. Nearly couldn't say it. Poop Cruise. Yep. And the Shark Whisperer. What a Sunday.

Starting point is 00:41:04 Whoa. If you just got a lazy day with that, she'll enjoy all of them and you'll make a not scared of the sea. This woman, this woman is fearless. There's nothing. You want people to be scared of the sea. No, no, be scared of the sea as in like drowning. But I mean like when you're in there, don't be scared of sharks anymore. Oh no. I think I don't think a Netflix documentary is going to solve that. Honestly, at one point you cry for the shock honest. Trust me. It's fucking insane. Loses his job. Why are we upset over a fucking shock? That's how much he makes you like connect with them and realize that they're not monsters. But I said it's because I chalked the mammals out there. No, no, no. But they've got like they fish, but they've got like they're not

Starting point is 00:41:51 like sharks are mammals on they give live birth. I thought there's no shark eggs dolphins and mammals and they swim is it almost not. They breathe water though, don't they? But I said like you would be able to do this with a snake. Do you know what I mean? Snakes are unreasonable. Yeah but have you seen them dance? That makes them like I'm on board. No I don't think you can have a connection with a snake. You can have a connection with a shark. Don't worry. Some people do think you can have connections with snakes. No I don't think you could have like a physical connection with a snake like she does with the sharks. Why?

Starting point is 00:42:25 I think if you had, if there was a snake lady documentary, you'd be convinced. I don't feel like they're unreasonable. I don't feel like they've got their last. I know what I mean. Oh, it's good that you know. But give it a watch. I don't see you agree with me and you'll get sad over Roxy. You'll get dead sad.

Starting point is 00:42:43 Again, probably less sad than the other one. But this one you'll get sad. That was a good joke. Hello everyone. Time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor. It's love honey two seconds I've just got to make a call people people people people people hello hello is that Carl speaking Carl do you love coming I love coming well you should change your shower head because it's gonna make you feel all sexy in the bath time does it work on men or is it just the women thing course it works on men or is it just the women thing? Of course it works on men. Don't be stupid. It is called the womanizer though.

Starting point is 00:43:27 Yeah, but don't be regressive. Ladies love a different type of shower. And if you're a woman listening to this, you're like, God, I haven't been using my shower to masturbate enough. Well, that's because you haven't got the womanizer wave. Handheld sexy shower times. Oh, this is a game changer for me. Every time Laura's showering, I think you could be aroused right now. The idiot hasn a game changer for me. Every time Laura's showering I think you

Starting point is 00:43:45 could be aroused right now. The idiot hasn't got one of these. What you do is you make her dirty don't you? Like you throw mud on her legs? Yes we have soil in the bathroom to throw mud on her legs. Great input Carl. Listen I could see this being... Dan, plummet doesn't have to be not sexy. One question, do I have to have it in black? No, they also come in silver. It's a lovely chrome. Once you go black though, you're probably not going to go to silver. Talking of black, why not have a Black Friday sale in July?

Starting point is 00:44:18 What? I know, that's what they're doing over at Love Honey. Up to 70% off, that's so much. No, and a the 20% off if you use code aFF-Word20 my god that's up to 90% I think if you do the maths I'm gonna ring my friend and tell them about this people boop boop boop boop Carl oh I'm gonna stand Carl I am eight yeah you're right yeah you should get these discounts and get sexy in the show not together I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:44:45 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

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Starting point is 00:45:12 Sign up to ours. It's better. More effort goes in. It's funnier. We're more creative. We're better people. There you go. You know?

Starting point is 00:45:22 By the way, I've become a bit of a yeti man. Been feeling this every day. So, huh? Say you need to by the way, I've become a bit of a yeti man. Been feeling this every day. So, huh? So you do the shave. I've been supping on my, I've been getting my waters in, you know, trying to stay hydrated and caffeinated. Yeah. How'd you feel?

Starting point is 00:45:40 Good. They told us that, didn't they, when we did the start of Killy, we need to stay hydrated for the next few months. Oh when we were at the Altitude Centre in London. Yeah. Cool, got that. It was good. I've seen them before because they were on 14 Peaks which is my favourite documentary, documentary corner. Nims Perj went there. It was mad to be there because it was like I was in the telly. It's good that I'm going to be really susceptible to altitude sickness. That's fun, isn't it? I don't think you're going to be that susceptible. Well, I'm gonna be more susceptible than you.

Starting point is 00:46:06 Yeah. Fucking doing the tests and I'm like, cool, I'll just duck out when I feel weird. And then I ducked out and I was like, right, well, Adam and Carl are gonna duck out at some point. No, they didn't. Yeah, but it's just jeans, innit? And you had your jeans on, that's fine.

Starting point is 00:46:20 My shitty jeans. The thing is, you can't compare yourself to me. No. You know what I mean? Some people are just built different. Some people are just like specimens. Yeah but I looked at your build and I was like he's gonna struggle. Yeah. What's his jeans? You've got very Lancashire jeans. There's not so many peaky there. Right so the famous peaks of Merseyside. No but I've got Spanish jeans. There's peaks in Spain, brother. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Yeah. And if you trace my heritage back enough,

Starting point is 00:46:49 fish bash, bosh. My great, great nan was born on Everest. She was a Sherpa. What? I don't know what she did for work. Yeah, it's just not in your jeans. And that's fine. We'll get you through. That's brilliant. Love it.

Starting point is 00:47:03 What a nice turn of events that is. The thing is, if we get there and you're feeling a bit fucking woozy or whatever, we'll just like leave you. Yeah, you won't ruin our time. Don't worry about that. I'm telling you. If that's what you wanted to do, we're going to have a great time. The way that when they put you on the incline, like the walking thing and then they increased. Treadmill. Treadmill.

Starting point is 00:47:23 Probably why I'm not a great chef. And then they put the mask on. We all did Bane impressions for a good four minutes. That was worth the trip. And then they upped it to like 4,000 meters. I was fucked. Yeah, but you meant to be. But you weren't.

Starting point is 00:47:41 I wasn't as much as you. Jack Finnegan never took it off. He was like, yeah, he's just fucking jacking it. He's the definition of Bill, different than he. He'll just jump up. It's jacked on the base of the jack. He's freaking. You did brilliant. Your heart was going mental, but you never tapped out. Your rest in half race is fucking terrifying to me. Yeah. Yeah. Like a hummingbird. But my body is made for the mountains. So as in like my jeans. Right. Well, if you're climbing up something really tall, try the altitude center.

Starting point is 00:48:12 You just need to get used to the altitude just as much as possible. So we'll get the altitude machine for the air, get the treadmill and just, you know, start getting up ladders and that. Didn't they say just go about your day but have that thing on? Yeah. When you can't know because it's a big, it's like a wheelie bin, isn't it? Yeah. You can't go- Bin men can.

Starting point is 00:48:29 Yeah, they just have to wheel another wheelie bin round with them. Yeah. But just start like getting up ladders, sit on your roof. You know? That's higher than usual. If you pull up at like the co-op

Starting point is 00:48:39 and Laura goes to do a big shop, just sit on the car. Oh, I thought you meant get on the roof of the co-op. I mean, that's even better. Or if you go to the car park on the third floor rather than the second. Yeah, just sit on the car. Oh, I thought you meant get on the roof of the car. I mean, that's even better. Or if you go to the car park on the third floor rather than the second. Yeah, start parking on higher things. Just get used to being high, man, like Finn. Ooh, nice.

Starting point is 00:48:55 Like how this ended up. Back on the Coke. That'll kick it off. I'm trying to have a world with that, that, that. Two decent mouthful words. Let's do it. Yeah, but you're right. The thing is, that's how you'll actually feel good up there. Just pretend you're doing lines of coke.

Starting point is 00:49:08 You'll get more oxygen in. Just like... Tom Sharon says, lads, have a word with this beaut on the train. I got on the train for my commute to work and instinctively just put my bag on the seat next to me and zoned out with my headphones on. As the train went on it started to get much busier, but I hadn't really noticed. By the time we got near the city centre, every seat must have been filled by the one next to me. So some maniac, instead of just giving me a nudge, decided to sit on my bag as a kind of fuck you for having my bag on the seat. We had a shouting match, but he didn't speak very good

Starting point is 00:49:45 English. When I got to work I checked my bag and saw that my lunch was flat and my yoghurt had popped which went all over my laptop and has fucked the keys. Not to mention my bag now permanently smells of raspberry yoghurt. Have a word with this daft train cunt for getting me far too angry over a train seat or have a word with me for having my bag on the seat and having raspberry yogurts in it. It's absolutely your fault. All of it. Like the passive aggressive sit on the bag is a fuck you. And I understand that that's an escalation, but that is exactly what I'd want to do. No, I mean... You just go, hey, can you move your bag there for me? And if they say no, then you've got an issue.

Starting point is 00:50:24 But if he's got his headphones on, he might have said that a couple of times and he couldn't hear them Yeah, but then he should understand that and not just sit on the bag. No The trains full and he's that ignorant and like away from it his bags on a chalk a train Nah, sit on it. Fuck him. So if you see Adam Rowe on his phone on a train just Wash yourself on the bag mate. I if you see Adam Rowe on his phone on a train, just wash yourself on the bag, mate. I just won't have my bag on the seat. There's literal fucking places to put your bag. I'd be fuming.

Starting point is 00:50:51 Yeah, every single time. You know what I do, genuinely. Do you know if I'm on a train, it's getting busier and I've, because everyone wants the four seat table to themselves, that's the fucking dream. You want a four seat table to yourself. I will get on and if it's quiet, I'll sit. If I get to choose on a quiet train,

Starting point is 00:51:09 I'll sit on a four seat table on my own against the window facing forward. Yeah. Yeah. Right. As soon as it starts getting busier, I move to the left seat because I would rather be on the aisle seat if the rest of the table is gonna be busy. And when you leave the window seat free,

Starting point is 00:51:28 it looks like you might be there with them and your wife might be in the toilet. And if someone goes, anyone sat there, do you mind moving in? I go, no, you can sit in there. And I'll get up, let them go against the window and I'll sit on the aisle. The man's not budging up.

Starting point is 00:51:41 No, and they might refuse to do that because they don't wanna sit there and then you've got free reign. You know, at the end of the carriage, there's like a half table for people who are accompanying someone in a wheelchair. Yeah. I wait, I wait out on them.

Starting point is 00:51:53 I'm ready to move. Oh, that's a good table. If anyone rolls in, if anyone rolls in. Rolls in. I am like, I appreciate it. Any, any word there. If anyone hops on. Arrives.

Starting point is 00:52:04 If anyone arrives, if anyone comes. In. In. Me. I was expecting something else when he started that email. When he said absolute beaut. I thought he'd found some like lady on the train. No, beaut means gimp.

Starting point is 00:52:17 I didn't know that. Oh, I'd be pretty pissed. You know what I mean? I think you've got to be aware if it's a busy train. You just try not to be a bad cunt, aren't you? Because it's already stressful, busy trains are annoying, but to just sit on a bag is such a fucking dick move. What if you had glassware in there? What if there was an animal in it? Yeah, I was thinking that was a hamster in there or something. Yeah, that's when you've put your hamster in a bag or a seat on a busy train. Where

Starting point is 00:52:41 are you seeing? Your hamster's dead now. Is that Ratlin Bogg? This is on him. Don't put your bag on seats. Just don't do it. But don't sit on bags. Yeah, they're both in the rung. Yeah, they're both in the rung, but the one who sat on the bag is more in the right and it was a funny move. So he wins for me. And well done for making the end of the email more about yogurt than it was about the fact that the guy didn't speak very good English because we all thought that was taking a bit of a turn.

Starting point is 00:53:09 What if there was just yogurt on it? What if like he got on just with his yogurt and put it on the seat? And you sit on someone's yogurt? And you still sit on someone's yogurt? What like a multi-pack like? Yeah like you've just got your petty fillu but you don't want to put it on the, you can't put petty fillu in the overhead so you put it on the side. That's clever that if you want to see put something there that people don't want to

Starting point is 00:53:23 sit on. Yeah they're not going to sit on your yogurt are they? can I tell you something boys I think those drinks I'm drinking I've got a lot more caffeine in than I thought are you wired? I've had a coffee this morning and I've had two of them and I can see sounds of them in it. I thought that was just water. What's in that? What's in that? It's a newtonne. You've had two of them this morning. I've had two in a strong coffee. And I've gotta be honest with you.

Starting point is 00:53:50 Oh! I'm fucking. Yeah, you're twirling. All right, let me. I've got to. Let me down this sneak. What? I need a butty, mate.

Starting point is 00:54:01 This is from a. I'm flying me. Honestly, like I've never felt this caffeinated in my life. I feel fucking... Just run to Derek. Is this what you feel like? Is this what you got addicted to? Can I eat the Derek's like Shaggy and Scooby-Doo? Just one go.

Starting point is 00:54:14 Is that everything he's feeling? Modafinil, the cocaine. Why are people into Downers? Oh, yeah, I just feel choked out. Ooh! Stop drinking it. No, don't. Keep going. Oh yeah, I just feel choked out. Ooh! Stop thinking it. No, don't, keep going. Let's just see what happens.

Starting point is 00:54:28 Keep going. This is from an anonymous lady. Have a word with my fella. We're still pretty new and during sex a few weeks ago, we were doing dirty talk, which is something we've done pretty regularly. And he asked me to talk about having sex with someone in the past, like tell the story of a sexual experience from before we got together. I roll with it and actually

Starting point is 00:54:50 found it quite horny but then he got weirded out. Horny? I ain't that you know. But then he got weirded out and had to stop and was in a mood with me and we had to sort it out later with a big chat like I'd done something wrong. It's done my head in. Like why are you trying to do kinky stuff that you can't handle? Have a word, lads. A couple of things on this. First of all, describing something as horny really bothers me. That's horny, isn't it?

Starting point is 00:55:15 Like you can be horny. Like I'm horny, that means I want to have sex, doesn't it? That's what I'm horny means. But saying that's horny. That was pretty horny. Yeah, that really, really bothers me. It's bothers me in between isn't it? Oh, that's fucking horny. If you do know what I mean? It gives me the itch. Oh, yeah, I understand. He's asked you to do something

Starting point is 00:55:37 you've done it and it's it's disgusted them. And that's not on you. But you know, sometimes you don't know whether you like something until you try it. So he's tried that thing, can he be into it? And he's just gone, fuck that. Can I say what I think might have happened here? I think he's gone, tell me like, because you've been, you know, when you're like, Oh God, when you're bonking, when you're doing it, all of a sudden, it's sort of like, you're willing to throw more things in. I think she should have just tried to hit the fairway with an iron. Yeah. And I think she's got the driver out and fucking well, he did. Oh, she remember party in his big car. That was cool. Oh, I got fucked by the car bigger than yours.

Starting point is 00:56:17 Oh, I think I was like, it's a bit mixer. I think she should have been like, oh, we, I was having sex with this guy and he's just sort of like push me down a little bit. And I was like, oh, it was so horny. I think she's gone in with like, right, well, there's this rugby team, you know, and I got forking wallop seven ways from Tuesday. And I think he's freaked out. I don't like rugby. By the way, I'd love doing this. This would be great. If Laura's like, tell me something. I've been, I know Laura's asking you to describe your not asking me. We've, we've been, we've been, we've been together 11 years. It's just me doing pop it down. I remember a time I had sex, oh, protective. You'd like Laura to, there was an AIDS epidemic. You'd like Laura to describe getting fucking bingoed, like braille by someone else by the old six

Starting point is 00:57:05 six. Yes. The big guy, the big dude. Six six John. You say there's a big guy. Oh, not not fucking Jolly Green Giant. That's the thing in it. If I asked Laura to do this and went, babe, just, you know, when you could you do it in the whispery tones, Jolly Green Giant. That's what she calls him. That's sweet corners. No, that she never called him that. But if she did it would she was a ho ho ho. Father Christmas. Oh, ho ho ho. Green giant. I thought it was more. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, I don't want to start with a giant. That's exactly. I would be this guy. I would like, could you just tell me about someone you fucked that was five foot eight or under? I don't need... That reels me out. I don't need hearing about the BFG absolutely pummeling the poops. She's like, no, I only, I used to only fuck six six fellas. Yeah, but how did that work out?

Starting point is 00:57:53 Exclusively. She got a stutter. It was just gangbangs with six fellas. So six six fellas? You should have just started with something a bit more gentle, mate. I think you went for the full lacrosse team gangbang. How much of a story are you telling as well? How far back in detail did you go? He took me to Bella Italia, only tread me right. I didn't want to put in, but he said, just treat yourself. So I gave him my pudding.

Starting point is 00:58:22 What story would you tell such weird time? He's got one. No, yes you do. I'd be so scared of overstepping the mark. Drink me. Would you do that one? I would do bits. I can't tell you how much that would do for me. You know, drink me. Yeah, that was pretty horny. Did you get my, ah, no, because that was me getting thrown out of the McDonald's for being racist. That's not the same thing. If it's Laura, tell me your best sexual experience. Right. Well, I'll do my best 10 minutes. Here we go. Like me on 10. You're like them. Hi. You probably shouldn't drink three caffeinated drinks before midday. Shut up.

Starting point is 00:59:28 Or do you have a hand stuck up to you? I'll be fine. Who are we having a word with then? We're having a word with the fella. I'm really struggling sleeping recently. It's absolutely have a word with the fella. Like you've got to, you can't be a moody cunt. You can go, oh, do you know what? I really hated that. Yeah, I thought I'd like it

Starting point is 00:59:47 I don't but like and then deal with it on your own, but you can't get pissed off with air for it No, I mean like there's loads of stuff I've asked women to do and dishes Do those dishes like what like what you mean's why? Well, what have you asked? like I thought I'd like the idea of being like I'm normally quite dominant. So I thought I'd flip it and be submissive

Starting point is 01:00:16 I even know you don't like that. I thought I'd like that and that really really bothered me How long did that last? Five seconds Alright, alright being handcuffed to a radio for a four night How long did that last? Five seconds. I finished the fuck. Being handcuffed to a radio for a fortnight. You told me so. Fuck off. Cheeky cunt. That is pretty much how it went.

Starting point is 01:00:36 I tried. I did try. But I was just like, when someone's disrespecting me, who are you? What was the disrespect? disrespecting me. Who are you? Disrespect? Who are you? What was the disrespect? Like when you're being dominated, like it's, you're submissive, you're fucking a piece of shit aren't you?

Starting point is 01:00:56 Oh but that's again, that's like, that's like, I feel like there's baby steps with the, with the kink in it. I think if someone goes, oh, you want to be dominated? You're a dirty piece of shit. I'd like that to be. Well, when a girl says to me, I want to be dominated, then, you know, mommy asks, mommy gets, babe. You know what I mean? I will fucking, I'll all in.

Starting point is 01:01:17 Right. You know? So like, and obviously the girl that this happened with, we'd been doing that for a while and we flipped her. She was like, you fucking scum. And I was like, you fucking... What about your arse, fella? Come on, from you, are you messing?

Starting point is 01:01:35 Scouse BDSM, you're fucking scum. You're a fucking wool youth. I've been to your house, what are you talking about, scum? What are you wearing? I'm going to get the uvula out once in a while, you're still young., what are you talking about, scum? What are you wearing? I'm going to get the uvula out once in a while, you stupid gun. Your mask stinks, talking about, in your mask shoes. Imagine that. Go on, just dominate me. You need to brush your fucking teeth. I do struggle with that, you know, like genuinely, because a lot of people are like sort of,

Starting point is 01:02:01 their bedroom persona is like separate from the real one, isn't it? So it should be. Yeah, but like I struggle to the juxtaposition of that of like, oh, what are we going to do? Are we going to, should we go to the cafe in the morning, get a breakfast, walk around the park? Yeah, yeah. Okay, right.

Starting point is 01:02:20 Let's get in bed. Now call me a slaughter and beat the shit out of me. And then as soon as you both come, it's like, should's like a cup of tea. Like I find all of that quite. I'll just get this jizz off my eyebrow and then I'll get you a brew. That's trust isn't it? What do you mean it's trust? It's like going like, Oh, I can be like this around you and it's good.

Starting point is 01:02:38 Like I like it. I enjoy it. Just a gear change. It's just a bit fucking... You know what I mean? Especially if you've drank three coffees. She'd be like... I'm off my... You're a fella's a gimpedo, ain't he? Hey, let's stop actually and talk about what you just said.

Starting point is 01:02:55 I'm scum. Right, look at your house. There's a picture of your house. Right, you're getting off. You've ruined this. These are built-in wardrobes! Last one. Hey lids, have a word with my husband. His old job, he used to have to call out to customers

Starting point is 01:03:16 and his opening line would be, hello, my name is Perry. And then he would continue with the call. This job was years ago. He doesn't even work in that department anymore. But when he calls anyone, the vets, the dentist, booking tickets for a concert, he says, "'Hi there, my name is Perry,' and then asks them,

Starting point is 01:03:33 "'can he book an appointment or book a table "'or whatever the call is for?' "'Why does he open the call with this? "'Why doesn't he just say hi, "'can I book an appointment for my dog, et cetera? "'Love the pod, see you in the arena, lads.'" And that's from Courtney He's got like a wrong word start the phone call with your name identifying yourself. Hello. I'm Perry

Starting point is 01:03:51 If you say it like a fucking weasel then yeah, that's not like what they don't need to know your name What if you bring in the chippy supposed to know your name? Hello. My name is Adam. Can I have some tickets for the concert? Where you bring from, Colm? 1998 Fuck this My name is Barry and I would like two tickets to one of your concerts please Two tickets for the big show All the big names and all, I'll have anyone

Starting point is 01:04:17 Queen, Michael Jackson Yes My dad calls me My dad will call me and then answer the phone by going how can I help? It does me fucking nothing. Yeah. Evening. He brings me and goes, how can I help? I go, you call me. I love that. My dad just wanted to follow me their phone number, which is a proper old person thing. Yeah. I think, I think the name things a Turkish thing. Cause that's why my dad's called memo. Well, that's why we call him. That's why everyone calls him memo because he only goes hello memo. And then that's it.

Starting point is 01:04:59 You have paid a real picture with your dad. We're going to meet him in September and I haven't got high expectations about how he functions as a human. Like he's going to go down the whole line of meeting him. Hello memo. Hello memo. He will. He will do that. He thinks that the person who's called him up is also called Mehmet. No, he just, he's pretty direct. I like this guy. He just goes, hello memo. The intonation should be hello memo. No, he doesn't have that in the locker. If you answered your mobile, your phone and went, hello, Carl Riegler. No, but I'm saying everyone would be like, right though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. But I, Dan Nightingale. Hi, welcome to the night girls phone. How can I help? I have you still got your voice mail? Yeah. Hi, it's done. Don't bother leaving a fucking

Starting point is 01:05:53 message. What's up? You never did your voice mail from by years ago. I think. Yeah. If someone calls you, it goes, I, this is down. Listen, I don't do voice messages. I'm not going to call you back. Just send me a text and then ends it sends They don't as you say send send a whatsapp. No, it's like how it's not too fast in six. Don't leave a voicemail All right, that's from ages ago. What have you gotten yours? Nothing. Yeah, probably. No, no people don't do that. No, I don't do that anymore I just did it when it that's from when it was a thing. That was in the changeover.

Starting point is 01:06:28 Can we call it? I'll ring, yeah. Just put them straight away. But like it was a problem when people were just leaving voice mails and that times had moved on. Yeah, voice mails are annoying. But I've never been on to change it. Just put them. Hello. I thought Adam was ringing. I was going to speak to my friend. Hi, it's Tom. Thanks for ringing.

Starting point is 01:07:03 Do us a favor. Don't leave us an answer phone message. Send us a WhatsApp or even a text. Appreciate it. Bye bye. Oh, that's strange. Please leave your message after the tone to... That's what? It used to be like, it's not 2006. When did it? I haven't changed that. I haven't changed that for fucking years. So have you made up a bit of that?

Starting point is 01:07:27 He was like, it's not 2006 anymore. Well, I've listened to that all the way through and I imagined that. And I'm about to imagine that I'm like, it's not 2006, totally. I love it how you've had it. You know, in the Antiphon, when you go, yeah, touch snakes.

Starting point is 01:07:43 I've got to have a word. Ooh, who is it with some contours behind me in the queue for coffee the other day. So right, you know, when you're in like a Tesco, I do right or as there or the shopping markets of your choice. Hey, we had a Tesco. And you've got like a fucking unit of a trolley and someone's behind you with a bottle of milk And the polite thing is for you to go. Hey, why don't you go first? Of course

Starting point is 01:08:11 But like if your trolley is massive Even then going would you mind if I just quickly nipped him something with this? That's okay as well, isn't it? Yeah, like it's like you should be the one to offer really but like, you know I was in the queue for coffee with me mate, getting a cup of coffee, right? Fella behind me went, are you getting two coffees? He's both getting one. And I went, yeah, why? And he went, I'm just getting one. Can I just nip in front of you? And I said, no. Am I an asshole there? No, absolutely not. Cause you are two people ordering a coffee each. You're going to be in the queue. He's

Starting point is 01:08:48 getting one coffee. That is all equal. You're both getting like four coffees. Yeah. I think in his head he's gone. Right. Well, your day is going to be delayed by one coffee, but mine's going to be delayed by two. And I was just like, nah, I'm not having any. You could go to the whole queue and be like, there's eight a year. He's all getting a coffee. That's eight coffees. I'm gonna go to the front. Yeah, but it was only ever gonna be delayed by one. Yeah. In that month. So he just basically, he's gone, can I be

Starting point is 01:09:14 you? Yeah, I went, no. And he went, oh, right. Okay. Cool. And I went, yeah, sorry, mate. Like, we've been here five minutes. Like there was one person in front of us. And I went, yeah, sorry, mate, like, we've been here five minutes. Like there was one person in front of us, you know what I mean? Like at that point. And he was like, I'm going to have a proper huff about it. What the fuck? Oh, fuck him. Yeah. If he was in that much of a rush.

Starting point is 01:09:34 No, I can be a pussy in these situations. Yeah, that's the life. That's the life. Know what you're on about. Yeah. Thank you. Unless, unless he clocked that you were like, I don't know, with coffees not just a quick, I think with that, can I just nip in front of you? Is it when it's a really easy transaction? Like if ever there's an old boy getting the paper at the co-op and I've got like a basket,

Starting point is 01:09:56 I'll go, yeah, because it takes him, he's already got the fucking money ready. That's fine. But coffee takes a bit of a fad. Imagine if he went, nice one, and then went, can I have six double macchiatoes? Oh yeah, you were like, what? That would have been class. That would have been really, really good. That'd be a good sketch actually. Here we go. Have a word, sketches, coming soon.

Starting point is 01:10:16 Time for a break. Thank you for everything you've sent in. Haveawordpodatgmail.com if you want to get in touch. If you sign up to the Patreon, you get VIP treatment. Send it in. Even if it's shite we just delete them ones sometimes i read them bye bye hello time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor it's not vpn god i don't know what a vpn is still how after all these years it's almost like i'm doing it for the bit do you not even use one oh yeah because i you know trading cryptocurrency and I need to increase my safety you know malware and stuff. Trojan horses. Oh anything to do with the classics. I use it on all my, I've got it on my phone which is good because if I go abroad and I want to bet, bingo I'll just tell them in the UK

Starting point is 01:11:00 I can bet. You can't bet everywhere around the world, Dan. Oh, clever. Also Netflix. We don't have it on UK Netflix. Yeah, but you do have it on Ugandan Netflix. Hello, NordVPN, you're welcome. Unbelievable, protect your phone, go around the world, and you get a 30-day money-back guarantee. So you might use it for 29 days and go,

Starting point is 01:11:20 I'm still not into this. The next day, you get your money back. Grab a mega discount for NordVPN and and for extra months geez that's a quarter of the no it's not it's a third of the year well done NordVPN.com slash have a word that's the name of the podcast that's why it's this the code is clever they put it together brilliant Nord vpn Nord v Fiat PN. Nord VPN. That's how I say it. VPN. But it's spelled VPN. Just to be clear. Nord VPN. Oh, really? Should we say fucking skinny Thompson mate? Cheers, cheers a lot. Cheers. Where's your gun?

Starting point is 01:12:05 Um, I'm very fucking, you came with a lot of energy there that I'm not going to match today. So that took me a second. Because I am hungover as fuck. Why are you hungover? Because me and Mickey Bartlett had to get one train to do a podcast in Dublin and us two supervised could not do two hours not drinking. So ended up drinking all day then had to get up at like half five to get the flight over here. Hungover in an airport is hell. That's where sinners go.

Starting point is 01:12:38 That's what hell is. I had to take my shirt off in the airplane toilet because it's all white and I was doing like a big spray vomit. So I was shirtless throwing up in an airplane toilet three hours ago. How's your Thursday going? It's Wednesday. I've time traveled. I went back. Um, forward. That's a mistake. It's a mistake a lot of people make, I think, on holiday is going big on the last night. You don't want to do that. You go the big on the penultimate night and the last night you chill so that your flight home isn't big on the first night because you're all excited. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:21 Ruin the holiday down. Yeah. And then but just don't ruin the flight home, which is the real don't ruin going home. Yeah. I think that the last night I get hammered at it because I'm going, Oh, I shouldn't be doing this. This is the worst thing you could possibly do. And that makes me want to do it more. Totally. Because I'm a fucking idiot. Hangovers in the sky. That is what we, he's not good. Hangos on a ferry. Oh, oh, it's awful. Why is that a problem?

Starting point is 01:13:50 Because of the rocking. Because of the people on the ferry. Band. Yeah, because of the live music. On the island. Yeah, the man, ferry. Sat on the, in the kids cinema, in the ferry just fucking dying,

Starting point is 01:14:02 watching Inside Out is a hard time. What ferry is this? The Stenner standalone, the one from here to Liverpool and the Scotland has a cinnamon going from here to Liverpool. I forgot we're not in Belfast anymore. Dorothy. Loads of wee orange man about the way orange man, but that's why I go home. It's proper orange vest. They're like, this is telling me this. You did a Adam Rowan friends with us in Bellevue. So when you told me that you're, well, I think I don't know what you were talking to me about on stage about having

Starting point is 01:14:42 your, you're from the, the, the non Catholic side of Ireland. I'm from the bad side. Like I'm, I'm from the side that everyone's like, you know, you did all these terrible things historically. And I'm like, yeah, fun though. Like, yeah, you remember it. Yeah. When you walked into the dressing room that night. Yes. I didn't know. Cause for those who don't know this year, you're on the skinny jobs. Yeah. Heroin. Yeah. You're on actual smack. Yeah. I didn't want to say anything initially. And it's not because I didn't think you'd want to talk about it. It actually annoyed me how good you were looking considerate to the last time I'd seen you and your hair was like just freshly

Starting point is 01:15:25 caught. You look like the fucking come from prison break. And I was like, what the fuck's going on here? Is he just like shredding in the gym or something? But you know, you're using the GTA sheets. Fully cheating. And I don't give a fuck that it's class because people tell you that they're like, no, you know, it's not hard work. You're cheating. And I'm like, I'm not an athlete. I'm not, I'm not training for anything. I just can't be arsed. Like I could not stop eating badly. Everyone goes like, it's just diet and exercise. And you're like, I do know that, but I can't do it. What's the job call? Manjaro. Manjaro. So it takes away food noise. How I described it to him was twixes don Don't speak to me anymore.

Starting point is 01:16:05 Like when you're in a garage, your mental illness. Yeah. It's fucking like no, when you're in a garage and you see all the sweets and you're like, Oh, well, no, you show me it. I'm like, I'm just not bothered. Like don't get wrong. There's side effects to doing it. The one that no one really mentions is the burps are horrendous because you're slowing down your digestion. So the food sits there. So when you burp, it's like pure sulfur. It's I've done farts to cover up some of the boards burps. I've done like, why didn't you just eat nothing but mints as in mints? Like mints. I'm like, I would be sure that's pretty much my dad at the minute. Just fucking have some fucking word that the fox's classics mate.

Starting point is 01:16:50 Just fill up on them. And every time you bear it be like, Oh, I've got some in my bag. It goes one or two ways. You either don't shit or you shit. You do like proper. No, like, shit or you shit you do like proper no like not everyone. Yeah. That's every human at any point in time that either shit or they're not. Those are the two genders you're shitting or you're not shitting. So are you shitting now or not shitting? Not shitting today, but when the shits comes it's like proper like like just it's not there's no solid in it. And if you eat greasy bad food, your system doesn't like it.

Starting point is 01:17:30 You vomit like you're brutally sick because your body just, I don't know the science behind it, but your body can't take grease or fat or fried foods. So even if you do feel like, I don't have a Chinese word of it, it's not worth it because you're just straight off. Yeah. You turn into the guy from police academy. Um, any, any bad side effects like bad, bad words? Like, ah, I'm not enjoying this. Not for me. No, because I'm just enjoying being thin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's me up on the dose as soon as I'm home. It's like I'm enjoying being able to time a shoes without being out of breath. Yeah. I'm still doing one of the time I mean coming up for the Blake. Yes.

Starting point is 01:18:20 Cause that's the, that was like when you are people, it's not that it's strenuous to tie your shoes. It's your neck gets in the way of breathing. It's awful. Yeah. Like at the fact though, sleeping a hole, just trying to do your shoes and then you come up for our offer. Would you ever do it? Would you try it? I don't think so. I think I've getting me too much about the side effects. Yeah. Like I'm a bad hypochondriac me having said that, that is a lot of side effects to being a fat cunt as well. So that's what I seen. I seen a TikTok the other day from some woman.

Starting point is 01:18:51 Oh, and... We'll hear them. So much unnecessary. Cause it's no... No matter what she says, you put it down. No, no, no, no, no, not at all. There was this woman and she was like, she put a, the start of the TikTok was there

Starting point is 01:19:09 when she was a fucking truck, when she was a fucking unit. And she's like, everyone was saying, aren't you worried about the side effects of those jabs? But none of the side effects could possibly have been, made me feel worse than I already felt about myself. And then the next bit was like, she's like six months into the jobs and she looks, you know, acceptable.

Starting point is 01:19:27 So it was like- Exceptional acceptable. Acceptable, yeah. She's still got some way, she's got a little ways to go. But yeah, I was like, I sort of identify with that. Like there is going to be side effects from the jobs that I'd get in my head about, but also, you know. Yeah, that's what the NHS, that's why's why they're prescribing it in it. Yeah. Cause they're

Starting point is 01:19:49 like, this will save us money. Well for me, I was going to, I was getting so far that I'm like, I mean, they're going to die from this from eating like shit all the time. Or if the jobs kill me, at least they're not going to struggle to lift the coffin. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. You'll die skinny and like, yeah. Yeah, bury me in a wee matchbox. You're going one way or the other. I think there's a thing with this where couples have got to be doing this together.

Starting point is 01:20:13 Cause if some girl is like, do you know what? I've always just been a bit truck-like. And all of a sudden, she's a fucking Maserati. Do you know what I mean? Like I think if your Mrs is like, I'm just starting the jobs, I think you've got to clean up the, clean up the app. I think you've got to get off the fucking Dorito dust and do something about it. Cause all of a sudden there's going to be a disparity in some relationships in there. Yeah. And same

Starting point is 01:20:39 for if it's just a man doing it and the woman isn't the mom will get more confident. And one side of fact they're not talking about is the Willie gets bigger because you're losing. So to me Willie. So to me, I don't think I could do anymore. Did you just say it's too big? You're Willie gets bigger. It's just more visible. Yes. But you know more, you know, there's more in play. Yeah. You know what? Cause you're losing the fat around the gun. Oh, I'd love a skinny mons pub. But you've been there. Don't talk about my mons pub. You were there when you were running all the time. You were, you looked like Philadelphia. Yeah. When you were in act three of Philadelphia, phased on, remember that? I was bruising better. I can tell what I feel. Was your cock more

Starting point is 01:21:24 visible then? Yeah. Well then there you go. Yeah, but that was dead hard. You know running for... Tendon on. Yeah, everyone does the cock check hard, don't they? Can you do test and manjar at the same time?

Starting point is 01:21:38 What happens there? Let me just speak to my physician. Adam, could I do mangiaro and the testosterone replacement? You can. Not to make sure you're hessing the weights. Hessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss is like just like if I said I just has me dinner there it means I ate it really quick and all of it that's right in it I just I has that dedox before is this a real word or oh don't fat check words around here mate no if that is a scouse isn't it like yeah oh I'm gonna has this fucking bossy me it also means to punch yeah this is yeah and also you know when you has in the gym. So do both

Starting point is 01:22:25 one in one arm and then has the gym. That's why Jack's dog Perry's called Perry. So he could call it pes pes the boxer. Literally. That's that's that's that's that's right. Cool. Well, there we go. Now I'm going to be on the test. I'm on jar. I'm gonna do both. Thank you, Adam. Yeah. Testosterone, mangiaro and then steroids eventually. I'm already on the steroids. Yeah. What about the bollocks ones? What bollocks I'm not putting anything in my bollocks steroids. It's not what like it hurts. Anabolic steroids. Yeah. What do you mean? Don't you put them in your bollocks? No! I thought you put them in your bollocks to make you coxomar?

Starting point is 01:23:07 Did you think someone was saying, I'm the bollocks thyroid? Yeah. I'll have one of them. I'm the bollocks thyroid, please. If I have any illness that requires a needle into my bollocks, put me in the ground. I'm out. I don't need the treatment. That would be the easiest drug test ever.

Starting point is 01:23:22 Your testicles have a sex pack on them. Would you do both, Dan? Yes. Yeah? Yeah. Just testosterone will make you really smaller. Is that one of the ones that does it? It shrinks your balls, I think. Oh, that's good then, isn't it? No, no, no. I don't know how I didn't measure my balls before I started. Are you on a big dose to test though? Big. Is it? 25 mils a week. What's that though?

Starting point is 01:23:51 Like you might as well be talking about fucking space jam. Means I'm gonna look hens in six months, dead in six years. No, I'm on 0.4 mils a week, which is a very sort of, like it's kindergarten TRT introductory dose. I told Dave Longley that I was on four mils a week when we were chatting about it. And he rang me immediately, worried about my health. And it's just cause I'd forgotten

Starting point is 01:24:13 there was a note point there. He's like, Dan, you are doing a dangerous level of competitive juicing. I was like, I'm absolutely sure it's four mil. I got back and checked my, I was like, oh no, it's not point four. And he was like, I'm absolutely sure it's four mil. I got back and checked my, I was like, oh no, it's no point four. And he was like, fine. Why does he do it? I don't know.

Starting point is 01:24:30 Okay. Isn't TRT what trans people go on as well? That's hate chatting. I think it's safe to say no one in this room has a fucking clue. I'm on it. I haven't done the research. I want to get Laura on the test, but she won't agree to it. So we just get on the woman one, the east. Now may you get her on the, get her on the shink. It's they're artificially secured. The genuine concern. A little bit of fucking needle from a journey. I mean, she's hornier, bigger click. Surely if it, like if it makes your

Starting point is 01:25:23 bollocks smaller, it must make your pussy bigger. And your tits smaller. You don't want that. That sounds awful. Whatever that is, don't take it. I mean, if bolls go big, pussies go large, tits go small,

Starting point is 01:25:35 head goes down, arm goes up. That's science. That is science, lad. You don't want a woman with tiny tits and a wide biff. You just don't. I agree. That's as I'll be into it.

Starting point is 01:25:49 Biff. Biff's all about it. This is a public episode. I'm still dealing with you going, her clit will get bigger. I'm glad you heard it. That's surely better though. She's fine, I'm just going to rub her a bit with test gel in the night. The bigger the click, the better. It's easier to find. Come here. Why'd you keep looking at me at 1am? Shut up. You're sweaty. Go to sleep.

Starting point is 01:26:18 Shakes up with a muzzy. But like everything that you want to find easy and that's like the ultimate thing you want to find easy is a clit. Like the bigger the better innit? That's why your car key is bigger than your house key. I think it's the technology within the key. Yeah but it's chunky, it's just easy to grab innit. That's fucking great logic. The padlock, tiny, no one's. Okay. Big. The golf will be bigger. What would you rather the golf will be bigger? Yeah. Really? Yeah. You'll get my handicap down. What have you

Starting point is 01:26:57 got? Not today. Sorry about that. I was teeing up for that one. I was like, I'll tell you what I've got. I don't want to be on the man jar. Oh, I'm all right. I might do it. Oh really? I don't know what happened. You get skinny. Yeah. You, you don't need, you're fine. You don't need to be. Are the Twix talking to you? The Buenos are chatting shit. Oh, you've done it. But it's not just for like food noise. They're, they're now seeing like people who are bad addicts. Once they take the, they just don't want to do anything. That's like not good for you. It just makes you depressed. No, it makes you just nothing. If that makes sense. That's depressed. No, depressed is no. Whereas you're

Starting point is 01:27:40 just like, I'm fine. You don't not, you don't want to do anything, but you're just like, I'm fine. You don't want to do anything, but you logically just want things that make you feel good. If that makes sense. If someone, if when I started taking them people like, do you want to paint? I go, well, I'll feel like shit if I have that. So no, it doesn't make sense. That's the way I want it. That didn't stick clearly, but at the start, you gave it a good go. Well, antidepressants just level you out, don't they? That's what people who've been on antidepressants say. It's like, yeah they? That's what people who've been on antidepressants say. It's like, yeah, it takes away the lows.

Starting point is 01:28:07 It also sort of just takes away the highs as well. You feel like you're just stuck on a... It's not like antidepressants. I've done those as well. It's not like that. Right. But isn't it just sort of taking away the cravings that like it just put you back to level?

Starting point is 01:28:24 Yeah, it takes away cravings. It doesn't mean like you just don't want to move and you'll just stay in bed all day. It's just like you don't fancy doing anything. William has there been a bit more action since you've dropped some poundage? Are you getting more poundage? Are you getting more poundage on the old Tinder? The grinds? The what are you, what are we doing? Here's the weird thing. No, because since I look better, I kind of don't need the validation. If that makes sense. Cause when I was a wee fat lad, I was like, just someone just grabbed my wee tits and tell me, do you know what I mean? Grab my wee flabby horse if you can find it. You want to fuck me? Yeah. Thank you. Whereas now, now it's kind of like people are like, like a moment. I know I'm like a wee cut

Starting point is 01:29:06 I'm like, I know thank you, but I know I don't need that validation if that makes sense. It does. Yeah, this sounds awful You don't have any nice food. You don't want to fuck anyone. I don't really have my favorite things Scranning and buying people and bodies nothing than Skinny Feels, Kate Moss once said. And she's lying. She's never had a Derek. She's never had a child, is she? She's never had a coke off her tits. Yeah, if you don't coke.

Starting point is 01:29:33 Not and tastes as good as Skinny Feels and heroin. You have to have the heroin as well. Fuck, heroin at the end of the sentence doesn't even make sense. It's just an incomplete quote. No one let her finish. Not and tastes as good as Skinny Feels and I love her. No, we're just going to cut that bit off, Kate. That's not going to look good on a fucking neon sign in a 12 year old's bedroom. Was she a Sky Kid?

Starting point is 01:29:53 What? Kate Moss? No, it's all cocaine. Oh, can ya? I wonder if she's a good sesh, Kate Moss. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? No, do you think?

Starting point is 01:30:00 Yeah. She'd have figs on her at all times. I think she's got great numbers. I think she's got good numbers. When you run out, she's like, Oh, I know this guy and it's like great stuff. Do you think she's going to be great to stay up till five AM chatting shit with? I think she's going to be a bit dry. I think she'd be great, but she'd have mates that you'd have to put up with. Like you're like, you're having a good one and she's like, Docker, he's coming around and you're like, for fuck's sake. Yeah. He's actually smacked. Yeah. You're like, right. Hide, hide all the good forks because he's going to stay long. Why is he going to steal? Cause he said he's a criminal

Starting point is 01:30:30 stales it for heroin money. I assume he uses the spoon. Can I have some head of it? I've got some folks. Spoons would be more suitable for the nice forks in your house? Yeah, but no. Yeah. Yeah, they're not the most quality forks we've got in the house. Yeah, they've not got much resale value on them. You can still be telly. Like Christmas dinner forks, they're expensive. They're good. You guys not have good forks? Yeah, but you don't buy used forks, do you? I've never felt so Protestant in my life.

Starting point is 01:30:57 I've got new bit of silver. I don't think this is a religious thing. If you come to my house and I think you're a thief, I'm not going to add the forks. Yeah. You can have the fucking forks. You couldn't sneak out with the telly. You could sneak out with a pocket of forks. Who's buying them?

Starting point is 01:31:16 I don't know. Thieves are buying them off of the thieves. On the dark web. I don't know. I don't get involved. I'm not losing. We buy my forks, I'll buy your forks. We'll buy each other's forks.

Starting point is 01:31:24 We'll buy bad folks. We'll buy each other's folks. We'll buy money. Have you got a fork fence? What good sort of fences? Yeah. Yeah. Like a, yeah. You got a fork fence. I don't put a good fine. Well, Kate Moss would surely have the number for a fork fence. What's a fork fence? A fence is someone who you sell your stolen goods to. Oh, I thought it was just people down the pub. No, so like an art fence, basically. I know art, I know people who wanna buy art, sell your art to me that you've stolen.

Starting point is 01:31:52 And I'll move it on. I'd love that job. That sounds like a bit of me, though. Crime, isn't it though? It's crime. Is it though? Yeah, it's all stolen goods. Yeah, but I don't know that, do I?

Starting point is 01:32:01 You are your fence. No, but I just wanna say that. That is your job description. Well, you don't know it. I've got a Picasso here. All right. Got the receipt. Doesn't matter. Who's this from? Your nan. Right. I'll sell it on. I'll just be like, Oh, he just come to me and said that it's an old family hair loom. Now he's doing it on purpose. That guy from bargain hunt got done for being a fence. They gave me Dickinson. No, no. Um, I can't pronounce his name, but he was taken out work, selling it on. And like, I think it was funding ISIS or something. It's gone a bit wild. This cannot be David Dickinson.

Starting point is 01:32:38 He was done on terrorism. It wasn't David Dickinson. Some of the hosted bar. He was one of the experts funding guys. I want the expert? Some of the hosted bargain hunt. He was one of the experts. With funding guys, one of the experts. One of the experts. Oh, it was the one who looked like Hal Crutenden. What's his name? I know exactly who you mean as well. Whoa. Is he the one who does like the,

Starting point is 01:32:54 I'm with the fattest cunts in the world. This is Fat Cunt Antelly. Is it him? It's him, isn't it? No, it's a guy whose name I can't pronounce, but he's suspected of selling art to Hezbollah. That's obviously... He was selling art to Hezbollah?

Starting point is 01:33:09 I'll get no Chukwu Ajeeli. To Hezbollah. You're a little kid, yeah. It was called Hezbollah. Johnson Fawkes, mate, it was going to Willie Dees. Is that what you just said? He sold art to Hezbollah and he got done on a terrorism charge for it? Hezbollah.

Starting point is 01:33:23 Hezbollah. It's just the second mention of Hezbollah today by the way. Hezbolled. But hang on. Hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa. If he's selling art to Hezbollah that's not funding terrorism.

Starting point is 01:33:40 That's taking money out of their pot. Smart. Yeah. Another use of the word for terrorism, aren't Yeah. You can't be doing a terrorism charge for making Hezbollah headquarters more stylish. Every penny they spend on paintings, that's less to pay terrorists. Is that true? Yeah. Yeah. He sold it to the guy that funds them and he didn't tell anyone. That's what it is. That's taking funds them and he didn't tell anyone that's what it is. That's good.

Starting point is 01:34:07 But it's a shit. I think when you're selling things to Hasbro, don't tell everyone about it. I was honest about it. Yeah. I call it like it is. I sell my artwork to Hasbro. It's fine. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:34:21 I can imagine there was like one in the Hasbrobollah headquarters when he came in with the artwork. They're like, did you get the weapons? He's like, I've got a bank. Get it on the wall. You can find room. Take the best shit in the woods twice. It also has. Yes. I mean, no. They've got me. That's sick, that. That's a lot. Did you not, yeah?

Starting point is 01:34:47 No? Two years, six months in Nick for this. How long's he got? What? This was in January. Oh, that's how long he got given. No, sorry. This was last month, June.

Starting point is 01:34:58 Oh, shit. He's just gone down. He's just gone down for it. Two years and six months? Yeah. Okay. So he'll be out in a year and three months. So Hezbollah to be back to fucking

Starting point is 01:35:06 decorating in September next year. They're making their own art like you are while he's in there. Oh, maybe there's a gap in the market. Hey, get in touch, mate. Give me some bonds. I'll sort it out. Who are heads, Bola and get in touch, mate. Hey, heads below? Get in touch, mate. Hey, Hezbollah, get in touch. You know, that guy Hezbollah. Say stuff fast.

Starting point is 01:35:34 Who are Hezbollah? Like an Islamic fundamentalist freedom fighter. They're who? Like Israel's fighting. Israel? Israel? They can say exactly what they are, by the way. That's Hamas.

Starting point is 01:35:45 Fucks who what is. No, Israel have bombed the shit out of anywhere where they think Hezbollah are like the Lebanon and Iran and they've targeted all the Hezbollah leaders. Just in the art galleries? But they should be aiming at. Got them. Or maybe not in art galleries right now,

Starting point is 01:36:03 but like, I don't know, maybe in a paint studio or the local cast art shop in Lebanon. Well, that was a bit of a nod. They did not know. Yeah, there you go. Been a knowledge for you. It's fucking class. I don't know what we were talking about previous to that, but you know, fences, fences, you want it as a job. I just think it's a cool job. I just, as long as I play daft, I'll get away with it. What would you be a fence for? Like picks up, I don't know. Like what? Cars? Motorbikes? Cars? You can be a car fence 100%. Move them over to like Easton Yoruf and stuff. No, sell them to someone. Buy ours?

Starting point is 01:36:39 No then. He's going to start a garage. He's gonna start... Adam's cars. Bring your cars to me, I'll sell them. I'm offence. You're not gonna garage owner. I'm offence. Have you got the V5C for this? No? Okay, doesn't matter. When did the window break? Never mind. Offence would move them into like East of Europe.

Starting point is 01:36:57 All I've got to do is learn how to fix broken cars. So you've become a mechanic. And we're already out. No, something that you know what do you know you know cowboy boots you could be a cowboy boot fence you like I know they're worth ten grand you've stolen I'll give you two moved on for eight bash well there you go you'll be a cowboy boot fence yeah so lock up your cowboy boots and forks put your forks in your cowboy boots, put them in the loft if he's coming

Starting point is 01:37:27 round. I just, yeah, I think it sounds like a cool job. Maybe I want to get myself a fence. So you want to get into crime? Yeah. Do you know, is that not every man's dream to be involved in crime on some level? No, I'm too nice. I don't pay me TV licences. I shit myself if there's a police car behind me and I've got nothing on me. Yeah. Like it like my car's fully...

Starting point is 01:37:51 I've got me gun. I'm a fucking pussy when it comes to this. If I was actually committing a crime I think you've got to have such a weird being able to click it into a disassociation like I'm fine. Yeah. If I find myself a art fence, for example. You could just, you could go with legally, just find someone who sells art. But it's cheaper, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:38:12 Have you stolen the art? No, I want to buy it. Oh, you want to buy it? Yeah, you want to go to a fence then, yeah. So I go to a fence and go, I like Barry, Barry the fence. Is that you? I can't say that, because I can't give that away.

Starting point is 01:38:25 This is underground, eh? Barry the Fence. So I like Barry the Fence. I've heard the fella to talk to about stolen art. Shh, are we gonna use any code? Is that how you're bowling into it? I think people involved in crime. Just speak into the wire at this point.

Starting point is 01:38:41 Hello, could I have 100 pounds of drugs? Just say, hey Baz, have you got any new Picasso's in the gaff these days? The code's still not quite up to scratch. Barry, I hear you're the man to know if you want to, you know, get some wall decoration. I did try to find an original Picasso to buy last week but it's quite difficult. Yeah, I mean the millions as well. 140 million pounds and it's in the Guggenheim. Not if you know Barry the Prince. But you don't. What he means is last week we found the Picasso print in an antique shop that Adam bought and he went I want the real deal. Not realizing the worth hundreds of millions of pounds. No, it's not for sale either. It's just in some, uh, this is the sad thing. It's

Starting point is 01:39:28 just in a vault in France. So I could borrow that. They could give me that to have in my house and it wouldn't. I think it's in the vault just cause no one has anywhere to put it. I might as well put it up in ours and I've just got simply safe cameras installed so it's fucking boxed. It's motion sensors. So you can see them. Literally safe as houses. I can see them and it's gone. Which one was it? Which Picasso was this? Cowboy sketch. Oh just one of the sketches. That's not that expensive, is it? And they're cheaper. Is it Don Quixote? Yeah. There it is. How much is it worth? How much is Don Quixote worth original? Adam's got a little prints of it.

Starting point is 01:40:18 Priceless, apparently. Yeah, but that's just because I know someone who got me for 25 quid. So it's the same picture So you're gonna go to Barry the fence and go what you're asking them for Alright buzz. I've heard you are the fellow to talk to about stolen art I've heard you're the stolen art fence and he'll be like, that's me And I'll be like because he's not big on security by yes I'll be like well, what have you got in stock at the minute?

Starting point is 01:40:45 And then he'll hand me a brochure. All right. I'll have a flick through it. Because you want a paper tail of all your stuff. Barry's brochure. But my question is, if I buy art off Barry the fence, have I done anything criminal there? Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:41:02 Yeah. Handling stolen goods. But I don't know the stolen, do I? You just have to give them back. Nicholas Cage. I don't think that's how it works. Is it? If you... Nicholas Cage bought a diamond. So like a skull, not knowing it was stolen and I just give it back and lost the money. He paid like three million for it. Yeah. It was millions. And then he came out a few years later. I'm like, Oh, I'm skinned. I'm like any fucking wonder Nicholas. He buys castles. Nicholas. He's got a castle collection. He collects castles. Nicholas cage collects, collects them. You're not allowed to claim to be skinned if you collect castles.

Starting point is 01:41:34 I'm on my ass. Yeah. It's going to. I'm on my ass. I'm getting the seventh castle done off aren't I? I've just rendered them all. But if he goes on Mungiardo, the castle noise will stop. I don't want to buy castles anymore. He just wants TARS. If you buy stolen goods, you lose that money and you have to give the stolen goods back. Only if people find out I've got them. Yeah, yeah, obviously. I just won't post pictures of them on the internet, just keep them in my house. No one's looking that money or you have to give the stolen goods back? Only if people find out I've got them. Yeah, yeah, obviously. I just won't post pictures of them on the internet

Starting point is 01:42:07 so I keep them in my house. No one's looking in my house for fucking real Picasso's, are they? No. How much you think a fence is selling a Picasso for? He doesn't want to keep all the stolen goods, does he? So a few hundred quid, like, take it off his hands. Bit of sweet meat.

Starting point is 01:42:22 Yeah. Two hundred quid and some fucking- I reckon under a milk cup, he'd probably sell it of sweet meat. Yeah. He probably sell off of 100k. Why don't you just cut out the middleman and start stealing paintings? Penny's on the pile, didn't he? It's a good idea, right? I get Barry Defense to get me the original Picasso, give him 100 grand and then I ring the gallery that it's been stolen from and be like, hey, I know who's got your patent. And anonymously. And if you give me, how much do we have?

Starting point is 01:42:48 100 mil? That's 800 mil. Yeah, give me 50 mil, you can have the back. Well then that's extortion, yeah, or a blackmail. What? It's extortion. It's fucking 50% off, how can that be extortion? It's half price, mate. You buy one, you get one free. It's half price. I was at extortion. You're the worst lawyer I've ever heard. I thought extortion's weren't like you'd take

Starting point is 01:43:14 it to piss. Great doctor though. 50 mil, it's yours and they're like, all right, because that's a good deal for them. They've made 50 mil the second they buy it. It's like Liverpool buying Frimpong. Hang on, have they made 50 mil? When they sell it again. So they spend 100 mil, you steal it, then you go, you can have it. No, they haven't stolen it. I haven't stolen anything, sir. So they've spent 100 mil, they're 100 mil down, you steal it,

Starting point is 01:43:42 and then go, I want 50 mil for this, and. And like, wow, we're 50 mil up here. Normally, I don't know whether you know this, Dan. Yeah. Right? Ah, let's talk insurance. A lot of galleries don't buy the art. It's loaned to them by the owner. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:43:59 So let's say some fella knew Picasso and Picasso was like, yeah, box. Done you a little, done you a picture. Box. Right. Hez. Classic Picasso. Hez, hez. Hey, I could, done your fucking picture there lad, put that on your fridge. Right. And then he keeps it. Yeah. Then Picasso goes on to become fucking Picasso. Old pass. Yeah, fucking Picasso. Not just Picasso, fucking Picasso. Then he's like, fucking hell, he done made this fucking doodle a few months ago.

Starting point is 01:44:32 What a fucking sound fella now he's with. Now it's a Picasso. Now it's a Picasso. Now it's a fucking Picasso. Then he gets it valued, someone goes, bash, 100 mil. And he goes, arse-sick. No one's buying it off him yet, but you know, it's worth 100 mil and he goes, I see no one's buying it off him yet. But you know, it's worth 100 mil.

Starting point is 01:44:47 Gallery gets in touch with him and like, listen Jim, edge you've got a Picasso there. We haven't got 100 mil, but obviously you don't really want to keep that in yours. Do you in case Billy the butcher comes out and cut your wife up and takes you. And take it to us. We're like get up in our gallery. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:45:06 No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:45:22 No, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry.if, Rob's it, gives it to Barry the fucking... When he was born. Barry the Tanaf. What are they called? Fence. Barry the Fence. He's like, I've got this 100 mil Picasso here, do you want this?

Starting point is 01:45:36 He goes, well, I'll give you 20 grand for that. Class. There you go. Bash. Thief gets 20 grand. Barry the Fence sells it to me for the 100 grand. I ring the gallery back and go, hey, you're fucked aren't you? Because Picasso's mate who lent you that patent

Starting point is 01:45:51 he's gonna be fuming. He's gonna want his 100 mil, give me 50 mil, half price, have a bath. When you put it like that, yeah, it's stupid not to do it. Why has no one ever done this? Just gotta watch out for Bill the Butcher. Do you know Roy Hodgson was in his 40s when Picasso died? You can Google that if you want. That cannot be true. 1972. Isn't that mental? Do you know he's older than the Bern about?

Starting point is 01:46:21 Yeah, he's older than sliced bread. Roy Hodgson. He was born... That's a fact. It's the best thing since John and Loaves back then. He was born 1881. Yeah. Why do you know this? I just know when Picasso was born. Died in 1972. So Roy Hudson was born in 1933. That's what pissed Hitler off. Making him. No 1947. I was in his thirties then. I thought Roy Hudson was older than that. He's only 77. I had a sworn he was like older than like I thought he was dead. He is older than the bern about though. We had son and it's not in his newest form because that was in your last year. Just give him facts. Older than do vase. He's older than do vase. Slice bread was like

Starting point is 01:47:06 the tens and sure. There's someone live now older than slice bread. It's not Roy Hudson though. No, he doesn't. Who is it? Who's old? It's like Carl won a bet for squeezing in Roy Hudson to this bit of the episode. 1928 slice bread. There you go. Yeah. I thought slice bread would be invented when bread was invented. No. Were they just scrolling? What to do? Savages. No, William. People were cutting their own bread up. Buying it sliced like pre sliced bread. Right. Not before. I thought no one had got the concept of slicing it until 19 it. Yeah. And then just one guy did it was like get it. Love come into the kitchen. They won't done this. Join a little bit of bread. No you can't. No, you went into a shop once and went, oh, you can buy it sliced. I've seen

Starting point is 01:47:58 a video of Gary Neville thinking he invented seen me think she events holidays? Yeah, but that's become a thing. The mini retirement has become a thing amongst younger people. Like it's, it was a joke when it was Gary Neville, but it's kind of like caught on and people are calling holidays mini retirement. Have you not seen the biscuit one? He goes, ah, sometimes just love to get a cup of tea and I get like a, like a custard, one of them, and I dip it in my tea, hold it for a couple of seconds and eat it.

Starting point is 01:48:26 Have you ever done that? Oh yeah, I just, I love doing it. I know it's a bit mad, but like I dip me biscuits in my tea and then eat the biscuit after that. And you can see like, you can't see anyone else looking at him because it's at the start of the overlap

Starting point is 01:48:41 where he's the only one there. But you can see everyone else's face in your head. Martin going, what? Have you seen the Alexandra Burke one of that sort of elephant in the room? You're not being elephants in the room, mate. That's so funny. I thought to bring it over from America. What is it? I did that.

Starting point is 01:48:59 She was on GMTV and she was like, no, this morning she's on. I was it. It's just I thought I'd bring a phrase over from America. It's like, so it's like the elephant in the room and it kind of means and she explains what it means. And she thinks she like brought it over from the States. Like I'm going to bring it over and make it happen. And like, no, we say that all the time. You stupid bitch. Wow. What's really funny is taking straight Alexandra Burke. What's really funny is Holly and Phil do not address the elephant in the room.

Starting point is 01:49:25 What's he doing? Which is that everyone's gone, that's under the thing, girl. It's really mad, you know, she won the X Factor. Mm-hmm. That's mad. And then about two years later, she was playing office in Concert Square the same night JLS was doing the arena and they came second to her. So it always goes to show, if go the X factor don't win it.

Starting point is 01:49:46 Yeah all the best don't win it do they? One direction. McArdle won it what's he doing now? Yeah he did, John McElderry. He's in Joseph now at the Empire that's all posted over there. And he's in some plays as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always the runner ups do way better. All he mirrors didn't want it. No, he was second. Yeah. Who'd he lose to? Matt Cardell, I think. Was it? Yes. Fuck you. Who's done the best out of it? One Direction. They didn't win. Oh wait, the winners. Yeah. Little mix. I reckon. Leo Lewis. Oh yeah. I think she is the fourth highest selling album in the UK of the

Starting point is 01:50:27 two thousands. I think it must be like the UK in 2007. That's a fact. Isn't it? I'm it is the owner Lewis. I think so. No, it is. It is James Arthur pretty well. Yeah. He's had some bangers. Yeah. I think Shane Ward, he ended up in Corey and he was good Chris. He's known as well. Who was the first guy ever? The one Steve Brooks, the laser on Twitter, you know, Steve Brooks. I remember Sharon Osborne hated him. Well, yeah, he was audible to some reason. Sharon Osborne fucking hate it like she thought he was coming for fucking Aussies. Fucking career. Maybe she does all Aussies fucked. Yeah, Steve Brooks.

Starting point is 01:51:15 He's going to bury Black Sabbath here. That's why you see jealous old bitch Sharon Osborne. Jealous old bitch. Sharon Osborne made. Well, he's just finished, hasn't he? Ozzy? Yeah. For his last show. Tied on stage at night. I'm done with this. I'm a little shy.

Starting point is 01:51:32 He's had about 25 years out of a career that he probably could not like, shouldn't have had. Yeah. For him to retire now is like, wow. Well, in the Osborne's, which was when I was a kid, like the program Meet the Osborne's, like that was what? 25 years ago, something like that. He was fucked.

Starting point is 01:51:47 Yeah, but he's less fucked now. What? No, he is, he went through a little period where he got sober, didn't he? And he got less fucked. Yeah, but now he's got like Parkinson's or something. Yeah, but now he's just old. But he's not as like, you know, brain fucked.

Starting point is 01:51:58 There's episodes that way, like she comes home from doing the shopping and he's like, ah, I've got a little moan. She's like, all right, love, fuck off. And he goes, okay. And then he just goes and sits in a cupboard. That is honestly what the episode. Have you ever heard the story of when he was on tour in Japan and he got so wiped out, wiped out one night, he brought a girl home, forgetting that he'd came to Japan with Sharon. She apparently clocks her and smashes like a glass over his head.

Starting point is 01:52:29 She's got a new head now hasn't she? We've seen her new head. No. She's got a new head now don't they? You've got a bit of a new head. I would do a new head if they're going. You've got a new head? Do I? Yeah, but yours is just too losing weight. Have you seen John Travolta at the Greece reunion?

Starting point is 01:52:47 Yes. Has he got a new head? Scary. He looks our age. Yeah. And not fake our age. He looks, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Starting point is 01:52:58 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, He's got a new everything. They've cloned him. Oh wait, that's not it. One minute. But he's got some of that level of plastic surgery where like they can't smile.

Starting point is 01:53:09 Right, so that's what he looked like. That's what he looked like about five years ago. What the fuck? No. Someone show me. He's got a new head? I'm gonna put, I'll put it in the, in the, on the screen.

Starting point is 01:53:18 What? Can you see from there? Yeah, look at this. Look. Oh, hi. He's got a new head. I told you, I had to give them new heads, no. I'd get stuck in them. He's fucking gorgeous. He's got a new head. I told you they give them new heads. No, I'd get stuck in there. He's fucking gorgeous.

Starting point is 01:53:28 Chris Jenner, new head. Yeah, Chris Jenner is class though. Yeah, you just give him new heads. I need to get hair. That's all. He was as bold as you. You're breathless, look at that. Did he just give you a new head?

Starting point is 01:53:43 It's, that's the maddest one I've seen. But is that just the hair? Cause I don't think, I think he is still bald, isn't he? That's a wig. No. I'm pretty sure he's still bald. No. No.

Starting point is 01:53:56 That's a wig. No. That is a glue on toupee. Yeah. He's been bald forever. No, this is what he looks like without the hair. It's not gonna be funny funny. All right. It looks like Batista. That's not a bad person to look like when you have 70 odd. He's 71. What? And she's amazing. John song is it Scientology? Is that what makes you young? He is a Scientologist. Yeah, because Tom Cruise looks good for his age as well. Yeah, he does his own stunts.

Starting point is 01:54:26 Contra Volta? In what? In Pulp Fiction, drives his own cars. No, Tom Cruise does his own stunts. Does he? Apparently, yeah. You should talk about that more often. That annoys me that he does that.

Starting point is 01:54:39 Have you seen him sitting on top of the Burj Khalifa? Yeah. Why? What are you doing? Who's asked? Yeah. Oh, that's... Maybe he just wanted the thrill of it. Why did you take a picture of him? I mean Why? What are you doing? Who's asked? Yeah. Oh, he just

Starting point is 01:54:45 wanted the thrill of it. Why'd you take a picture then? I mean, it's very mad. Just sat up there. I'm not just enjoying it. Yeah. with him. We'd like be like having a toddler. Like you're going to see the actual tour and he's like, I'm going to climb it. They're like fucking get down showing off. So we're going to get in the lift mate. It's the amount of times he does it when he had his parachute on fire 17 times. I told him to come on mate. They were like, we, they were like, we got the take on take six chill out. He's like, no, 11 more times.

Starting point is 01:55:28 And the latest thing he gets his parachute to some finance reveal and he's like, no, do it again. They're like, like insurance. We're not allowed to. He's like, no, we're doing it again. Running out of times. He'd set us up and like, you got to stop. No. I remember Michael Jackson did that, but it was his face and not a parachute. And it wasn't on purpose. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The Pepsi of it. Is that what it was for? Yeah. That's what changed his entire life. That Pepsi of it. Cause then he got addicted to plastic surgery. Fuck. And also he got so much money. He didn't know what to do with it. Yeah. Plastic surgery is what he did with

Starting point is 01:55:59 it. I watched a video of Michael Jackson the other night and I just sat, I was stoned and I was like, how is that a real guy that existed in life? Like you watch him and you go, nah, that's not, that looks like AI, but he's a guy. He terrified me as a kid. Yeah. I was so scared of him. I didn't know what the times we scared of him as well. Yeah. I didn't know him as a singer. I knew him as a, a nonce and then found out he had songs. Yeah. Not the first Peter. I mean, sing a second because I was like, Oh, this guy's wrong. And I had no idea. Is that nonce? Fucking fucking Raminess was an artist as well. By the way. Who was? Yeah. Yeah. I knew that. Yeah. He just means

Starting point is 01:56:48 the way you fuck kids. He's the goat. He's nonce first though. He was not Michael Jackson's singer first pedophile second Gary Glitter is the other way around. Which is because glitter does have tunes like yeah. Not as many many as wacko Jacko. Not enough to get away with what he did. You have to be really good to get away. Well he has. That's how good he was that there's people who vehemently don't think Michael Jackson told people I sleep with kids by the way. And they went, no, you don't. Hey, shut up. You don't. I thought you meant glitter. And I'm like, there's no one going lies. They're slander and Gary. I have seven children in my bed every single night, but I don't kiss

Starting point is 01:57:35 them. Promise. You don't get it. Stop doing the kids. Just keep that to that excuse, isn't it? He's like, Oh, I had a very troubled childhood. And you're like, then do coke. Like leave my son alone. Or Manjaro. Yeah. Yeah. I think if he did Manjaro, it'd be like, why are you all on my bed? Fuck off.

Starting point is 01:57:58 No, I'm going to build a fairground. Takes the nonsense away. Yeah. The kids stop talking to him. Kids are welcome to come and stay with me. No kissing night night. I go job kids. You've been seven every night. Got a first wheel in the garden and a monkey. We drink Jesus juice. It's blood. He's really got away with it because it was bangers. Other people not so much. Ah, Kelly still got bangers though.

Starting point is 01:58:28 He got away with it. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, I really fuck. I was like, sorry. Throw it up. Really sorry. You know the female fellow police officer? I've seen her. She's doing like PAs and abit.

Starting point is 01:58:41 Beans? At like the food truck. Good on her. I never need that bank. Never made some. You can book her to do hee. Yeah. Lads, we've got an arena coming up.

Starting point is 01:58:53 Michael Jackson used to do hee. You should just do two of them. It'd be really funny if we do some crowd work and we have hair sass on the front row. What's he wearing? Hee. Just for that. Five Jacks and eight Ollams.

Starting point is 01:59:06 No one else can hear me. No camera or mic on her. That's for us, that. I am a female audience member. I'm going to find that offensive. Oh, don't find it offensive. You could get her to dress up as Michael Jackson and do the hee hee. That'd be great.

Starting point is 01:59:22 Hey! Hey! That'd be amazing. That'd be great. Yeah. Hey, hey, I'll be amazing. It will be amazing. This episode has matched the level of your hangover. We've really like, I feel like we're just on like we sleeping bags, passing the joint around. This is great. That's what this basically is. I love this. Cause so much pod you feel, you know, you have to come in and be like, Oh Oh hello. And fucking be very energetic versus this very chill. I'm enjoying it. Never. I'll be the first. But it better not be in

Starting point is 01:59:50 service of like a choreographed choreographed dance pisses me off. Of course it does. No, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. Just loose. Oh, like, Oh, I think it's freestyler as in not choreographed. I thought you meant when you go and play, watch a dancer. No, it's fine. This is the worst opinion I have. Men choreographed dancing infuriates me. I do not know why. I don't want to chat. That's a lot pisses me off. Why? What's the cupid shuffle? Fucking stop telling me how to move. Why MCA? Annoying. Just cause you're telling me what to do and I'll dance how I feel like dancing. Mambo number five?

Starting point is 02:00:30 I'll take Mambo number, but that's not a choreographed dance. Just a good song. What about Strictly? Strictly? I watch Billy Elliot on the dad's side. There is a minor strike. Take the fucking shoes off and learn a trade. Thatcher is rampant and you want to dance. He makes him break the picket line because he wants to go dancing

Starting point is 02:00:53 in London. I'd be like, no. Fuck, my dad beat the fuck out of me. You can't have bread now because you want to dance. Yeah. Off you fuck mate. That'd be me as well. A hundred percent. Like I'm not on their side. Same with Footloose too. Struggling to turn the telly on the electrics and he's upstairs ballet dancing. Yeah. You're getting a freezing shower because you had to pay three grand for your son to dance. Nah. He does become the swan in Swan Lake though. Who gives a fuck?

Starting point is 02:01:21 I can pay him back. I need a bunch of get from him. He gets a free ticket for it though. The dad. So it's all works out. Does he like it? Do you know, Harry in that film thought Joe, uh, Julie Walters was trying to fuck Billy Elliot. He wasn't even, he was serious boy. He thinks there was sexual tension and Julie Walters was trying to fuck Billy Elliot. You never know. No, I do. It's not a film about a paedophile teacher. You don't know what the recent scenes are like. This is very dark. Believe it or not. Maybe the last scene is basically like, I'm watching it and be like,

Starting point is 02:01:52 oh, me son up there dancing to a song all along. There's more subtext. There's more subtext. When he's just fucking banging Julie Walters. Julie Walters is such a rat. As a kid. Go on, son. Yeah. Right, dad?

Starting point is 02:02:05 Yeah. See, I might be a dancer, but I can still fuck women. Famous ones as well. Yeah, as a dad I would. This is Julie Walters. Oh, it's Julie Walters in the phone. You've broken the fourth wall. If Julie Walters exists, then you exist in the air world,

Starting point is 02:02:18 and that means you don't exist. What are we talking about? The legency. Can we start breaking the fourth wall, please, guys? We're not doing bloopers. I'm fucking Judybott. What's his name again? Billy.

Starting point is 02:02:37 No, the answer is me. Oh, it's the famous... Billy. Jamie Bell. Jamie Bell. Yeah. Is he dead famous famous as fuck? Is he? Oh yeah. Jamie Bell's. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I'm like, I didn't know his name on the top of my head. And I know the top selling albums in the UK is of the 2000s, so I know things. Jamie Packard inmate. Oh, Julie Walters. Was this confirmed by Julie Walters or did he just do an interview and we're like sheen?

Starting point is 02:03:13 Confirmed by anybody was his idea. Oh, nop it on the couch. Oh, I thought that he was just on like this morning and was like here, here's a tidbit. Julie Walters loves it. No one picked up on it. But there was a real undercover, undercurrent of nonsery. Do you want to see me fanny? It's a lie.

Starting point is 02:03:30 That wasn't Julie Walters though. It's in the trailer. Hello, I'm Julie Walters. Before the film starts on the DVD extras, you'll notice an undercurrent of me trying to fuck Billy Elliot. And I'm not from Newcastle. I don't know why I'm doing this voice. Well I'm absolutely dripping in this scene.

Starting point is 02:03:49 That's me trying to be Geordie. Oh William Thompson more Geordie please. I am dripping in this scene. Give me the diamond. How's my laugh? I'm just a guy from Bargain Hunt. I'm a Geordie. I can't do it.

Starting point is 02:04:02 Oh wow. Gaza. Gaza. My favourite player is Gaza. And Lear is a lamp in a shawl in a slaughter and has a sheep before Sheera. Good film Billy Elliot. Good film. Which? Billy Elliot. And about a boy. That's a great film about a boy. He's very famous. He's always being famous and Elvis. Elvis isn't about to probably no, he's in the bloopers. He is a fucking Elvis. I'm only a kid and Elvis being that He was a pedo. No. Breaking news. What are you talking about? Elvis was a pedophile. No, no, no, no. It just sounds a good youth. So yeah,

Starting point is 02:04:54 he chose Priscilla when she was 14 different times though. Yeah. 14 and 20. Yeah. Yeah. Disgusting. And then when she got, when she got pregnant, when she had a baby, he never had sex with ever again. Baby. Nope. That's growth. That is growth. You saw it as tainted and like you've done your job now. But that was the age he was. Lisa Marie. Lisa Marie. Who was also married to Michael Jackson. Who also fucked Julie Walters. Paul.

Starting point is 02:05:35 Imagine that. But was not the age Elvis was just taking like steak sandwiches on the toilet. Like he wasn't doing much of bucking. He was eating like KFC in bed. Bucking. Bucking. Bucking for fucking. Yeah. You guys say bucking, yeah? No? We know what it means. We wouldn't say it. I gave my girl a good bucking last night. Yeah. Yellow card. Yellow card? What's it mean? Bucking. Buckingham Palace. I call my house. Oh yeah. I think we need a break. I'd suggest it's probably time for a break. Hot 5.0 ultra brings the heat without cooking your skin done nice You need to trim your pubes for the summer getting too warm out there for the big bush

Starting point is 02:06:31 Trim it with this Phenomenal bit of kit and it's got foil it changes tops. Yes, you can do your neck as well Smooth results easy to use and way less terrifying than whatever you were using before. I can say that for certain. Use code WORD15 for 15% off. Imagine those savings for your entire order at manscape.com. That's 15% off with code WORD15 at manscape.com. Stay cool, stay smooth, leave the burns to the sun. Stay sexy. William Thompson, where can we find you online

Starting point is 02:07:15 and tell us about your podcast that you've got with Mickey Bartlett? Yes, I'm on William Thompson on all platforms, easy to find. So then me, Shane and Mickey now do the Lazy Boys podcast, which is so fun to do. Because it's just two of the funniest fucking comics in my opinion in the UK and me. And we're just talking shit. Like it's, it's like we prep for it, but normally never touch the prep. It's just there as a safety net just because we can just bounce off each other very well. It's like Shane with tea with me. And I know it is a

Starting point is 02:07:49 podcast, but it's like, like it says, yeah. Yeah. It's just what's in the news and we're just riffing on it. That's so fun. All right, great. Check it out. Lazy boys podcast. Beautiful. Um, I forgot to get my laptop out. I was just waiting like I was like oh everything's gone really quiet there hasn't it? I wonder what's next? It's me that's next. It's me. Executive orders. 19th of July I have a show at Hot Water. The 7pm is sold out. The 9.30pm is not. AdamRoad.co. UK forward slash shows. Come to the 9.30pm show at Hot Water Comedy Club. We're in the big room. It's going to be fun. Thursday the 28th of August. I'm at Hot Water. There's tickets left. The rest of the shows

Starting point is 02:08:36 are pretty much sold out. I'm doing a little run with Eshan, a special guest, and at Hot Water on Thursday the 28th. It's Simon Wozniak headlining. Executive orders, we've got a jingle. This ain't just any order, this is an executive order. William, have you got anything that you'd like to change if you were president of the world? Yeah, this is a lot, like this would be the first thing I would put in. I think retail workers should be legally allowed to punch one customer a month. Just one, right? Because if you punch or like can they wail on them? They can beat the fuck out of them, but you're only allowed

Starting point is 02:09:16 to do it to one person. Obviously the customer can fight back as well. No. Well, they can, but against the law, like they'll go to jail. You have to take it. Oh shit. You have to end that punching. Yeah. Because everyone will be better behaved because we don't know if they've used their monthly punch or not. So the cheek is the way I'd speak to that person. If I walked in and caught and punched someone else, I'll knock it out. How are we going to take on his chin and everything. All right, you know, Maggie, imagine you trying to punch me, you little gimp. Go and get me stuff now. You just walked into the shop.

Starting point is 02:09:53 Yeah, especially if I've been punched before. I'd take that out on the guy who I know can't punch me. Sounds like it makes the country worse. Yeah. No, I think it'll work though because they've only got one a month so they'll not be throwing them out willy nilly if they really mean that punch. But what if the 31st of the month comes and you haven't and it's just some old woman in the shop? She's getting her fuck knocked in.

Starting point is 02:10:12 Go go. It's the law, mate. Fuck knocked in. Yeah, get your fuck knocked in. Sorry, love, we're closing and I haven't used it. You're getting your fuck knocked in. No! Excuse me, my grandson would... Fucking stupid bitch. Are you trying to defend shop workers here?

Starting point is 02:10:28 Yes, because I think people are horrendous to them. Like, low paid retail workers, people are unfathomably fucking rude for no reason. Like, they'll just scream at them because they can't find low fat Philadelphia cheese. I'm like, you should know where that is. I'm like, why is that okay to talk to anyone like that? Next to the full fat. Dig in the fuck, yeah. It's normally the cost number of being a fucking moron too.

Starting point is 02:10:51 So they should get dog in the head. Nice. I would run on that one issue. That's my entire. I think there's been an overcorrection in recent years actually. Really? I think it used to be that the customer's always right and that's, you know, bollocks because the customer most of the time is wrong.

Starting point is 02:11:10 But now that there's been a change towards the attitude, which I share 99% of the time. If you work in any sort of hospitality retail space and you're dealing with console day, you know, like it's bang out of order. But I do think now because of social media and society's changed to hey, they're on minimum wage, leave them alone. Yeah. There's a lot of people who work in them spaces now who know they can be a cunt and they know they can be like, I don't know where that is. It's like, well, you should, you should, shouldn't you? Where's the beans mate? I don't know. You work in Tesco. Like know where the beans are in the Tesco. You work in the beans. I yes. No, I don't care if he's on the fucking roof. If he's got a

Starting point is 02:11:55 Tesco jumping on, where's the beans, brother? Get off the roof. I see. I don't have a dig in my world. That's not polite. Yeah. I mean, you know what I say, where are the beans? And he goes, I don't know. But if he's- That's a fine interaction, is it? He's done his job. That's never happened to you. It depends what he's doing. In Tesco, now.

Starting point is 02:12:13 Yeah. If you ask like supermarket workers now, hey mate, where's this? They got half. Oh, honestly, every time I ask them, they whip a little computer out and they tell me the aisle. No, it's been a few times,

Starting point is 02:12:22 like I think it might be down there. In Tesco, they've got it. They got aisle 20. And I'm overly polite with all of these people. Like overly. I mean, you know, like where's this thing, mate? I don't know. I think it might be on 21. You go to 21, you go back to him and you go, it's not on 21. I don't know then like genuinely I've never experienced that person. I have so many times if he's working in like the fish aisle or something. Yeah. He's not going to know where the detergent is. That's not his area. It's not his remit. No, you don't just, you know, your job isn't just fish isle man. I've

Starting point is 02:12:52 no idea. I've never done it. No, these guys are the fish counter. The fish counter. They're the fishmongers. But if you're on the fish isle. As soon as you're behind the counter, you can't be asking where stuff is. Well, I don't ask the people in B&Q where I can't paint counter about anything else because they, they don't ask the people in B&Q where kind of paint counted about anything else because they don't want to know. Specialists. Yeah, we just do paint. Also, be careful you're asking, B&Q will walk you to the aisle, help you buy it and drive you home.

Starting point is 02:13:15 They're just like middle-aged dudes who are dying to chat to someone. They wanted like mansplain where everything is. Not many people work in B&Q though. It's very difficult to find someone. What? In the B&Q, genuinely in the B&Q and speak. There's so few staff. Yeah, I went in the other day.

Starting point is 02:13:31 It's insane. It is hard. Oh, genuinely. It's mad. If you get one. The reason there's no one in B&Q is they're all helping everyone else who's in B&Q. Yeah, if they're on the drive home, that's why.

Starting point is 02:13:42 Yeah. They're all getting gym. I'll get it in. I'm in work love come on. Do you need help getting in the house? Is it bedtime? Let's get in come on. Loads of them are standing around the self-service which confuses me. I need the most help in B&Q because I am not to be trusted around any sort of DIY. Same. But I like it that there's dad types that work there. Can you not do any sort of DIY? I mean, the basics. But the drill was out.

Starting point is 02:14:12 You know, like we've got a Bosch drill. And Jack went, oh, it's daddy's drill. Little fucking sexist. And I was like, it's really not. It's mom's drill. I've never used the fucking thing. What's the basics? Hammering a nail. Yeah. For when you all have got enough nails. Is it an intentional nail or like you can just pull? I've never put a nail into a wall without

Starting point is 02:14:36 meaning to hammer a nail into all. I've never done it accidentally. So hanging pictures then. Yeah. But that Laura's like, you shouldn't even be doing that. You need a picture hook. Yeah, you do. Yeah. Oh, but you don't. You do. No, you absolutely don't. You can just twine a nail in. What if you had an electric thing and blow up an electric heel? What if you got heels in your walls? Yeah, we did put extra electric heels in the walls. You just don't find them before you do that. Do you know, I honestly thought electric heels were going to be like a massive burden in adult life? I thought they were going to be everywhere based on like Crash Bandicoot and stuff. Yeah and fucking um Quicksand. Yeah. I think I'd be able to walk down the street with

Starting point is 02:15:11 Quicksand. Quicksand used to scare the shit out of me. He was on the telly and every one of the guys do. I'm sure there's a comic who's got that as a bit you know. Is there? I used to think Quicksand would be a much bigger problem. has fallen from the sky that is I think John Mulaney he's right yeah I thought quicksand was gonna be a big issue Scooby-Doo made it look like it was everywhere and in my home the necessary pause He's not homeless anymore. The Greeks that I bought it off of, they left a desk in the attic. Like a big table. Basically they didn't, no, none of their family and friends wanted it and they didn't want to take it to Cyprus. Fucking huge table. So I unscrewed the legs off it last night and lashed the legs away.

Starting point is 02:16:01 But I've kept the top and I'm'm gonna repurpose and refinish it and make it a bar it's gonna be me back bar it's a low bar that you mean taking the legs off so it's gonna be a kneel down I'm gonna screw it onto the wall and cut it in half make two shelves out of it you're gonna do that you can ask someone to bought an orbital sander oh dear not dear. Not a chance. Who's allowed you to buy that? Yeah, walked in there and they went you can buy an orbital. So didn't say anything. There wasn't anyone there Yeah, son, I'm gonna Sunday you're gonna say your arm off what you're gonna send your fucking arm off You know to use an orbital sander. I've just fucking tick tock. It'll be fine. I you be

Starting point is 02:16:47 It's a ghost. That's a camp man. That's a big sander boy. That's the valve. Just you taking a red boy into your house and doing DIY. I'm gonna cut it in half, sand it, stain it, stain it again, stain it again, seal it, seal it again, drill it to the wall, put a bit of whiskey on it.

Starting point is 02:17:09 Stay, stay, stain, seal, seal, seal. Nice. When? Next week? By the way, people who sell houses and go, ah, that's a baller, can it? We'll just leave it there. I mean, this time it's worked out,

Starting point is 02:17:20 but take the shit with you when you sell out. To be fair, I did want them to just fuck off as soon as possible So I said if you struggle to get rid of anything just leave it and I'll deal with it because I just wanted them to leave. The guy I bought a house off just left a colossal cactus plant in the in the downstairs room fucking downstairs room?

Starting point is 02:17:40 I don't know which one, the one with the keys? It's part of the kitchen diner, that is the dining room. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. On stairs room. He left a cactus in there. Fucking dickhead. What did you do with that? Did you ever walk into it by mistake? It's so big. It's still there.

Starting point is 02:17:51 What? Oh, we can't move it. Why? No, it was a colossal cactus. Does it have to be illiterate? Two man job. Get rid of it. Get him made. Are you not allowed to leave stuff like that?

Starting point is 02:17:59 No, take all your shit. Leave the house empty. You're not allowed to leave anything. Like I can't come to yours and leave a cactus in yours. Oh, right. I can't come to yours and leave a cactus in yours. I can't come to yours and leave a cactus in yours. I can't come to yours and leave a cactus in yours.? No! Take all your shit! Leave the house empty! You're not allowed to leave anything, like I can't come to yours and leave a cactus in yours either. I mean, let's be honest, they can, because what can we do about it? We're not going, right, need the money back, there's

Starting point is 02:18:15 the keys, now we'll go back to the rented house and you can have your house back, well because I didn't want that fucking cactus. He left loads of shit, it's absolutely brilliant, in fact just leave everything you don't want, but don't be a dick about it. Yeah, but like you said, not the wrong way. What if like you bought the house and he's like, it's so the cactus, but then he took all the windows as well. He said, are you just saying all the stuff? Can you do that? That's a good question. No, you can't.

Starting point is 02:18:38 No, no. Because it's part of the house. Yeah, the cactus was not in any sort of contract. Have you grown to love the cactus though? Nah, I did for about two days and then it got wiser than the skip. So just rats man. Just tidy your fucking house and just smoke some weed and get over it. What were we talking about? Yeah. Shop workers. Yeah. They just should be allowed to punch. Have you got any others? They should.

Starting point is 02:19:05 They absolutely should by the way. Yeah. And I'm on their side with 99% of things, but it's that one little smug. And there's no age limit because old people are really rude in shops. Yeah. So old people are really rude. Old people should be shot. Are they exempt if they kill someone with a punch though?

Starting point is 02:19:20 Are they then exempt from the law if they hit a granny? Within reasonable force? There's going to be some scary like staff members at as during it. Just like getting jobs to punch people MMA fighters full of steroids like yeah, I only do four hours a week. Yeah. So you better be fucking nice to him. Really? Are you holding the harmonica? I know. No, right. I was so I thought you're were going to break it. It's just piano man in the middle of this. Carl knows what the kids are doing these days. You know I'm not harmonica are you?

Starting point is 02:19:50 You're not harmonica? You're not harmonica now. Terrible for your lungs are harmonica. Oh we're going home. He's got the harmonica. Oh Willis, the fire alarm off. We're not harmonica'd again. Have you got any others William? Exactly. Married should be between a man and a woman. Uh, cause that's sin.

Starting point is 02:20:09 Other than that, no. I mean the Pope said that this week and people were, people were surprised. Really? Yeah. Is that cause the last Pope was fine money? Pope was like, bum who you want. Oh yeah. What was he called?

Starting point is 02:20:20 Pope Jeff. He was so sound. Yeah. Yeah. What you want something? I put your car where Yeah. As long as everyone, everyone you put your cock in one should cock in them. It's fine. Don't have your piss parties. Just be here by Sunday for mass. Yeah. Genuinely. And the new ones fucking from Chicago. So he's like, Hey, for none of that mate, put your cock away. If it's not in a pussy, you

Starting point is 02:20:41 know, scar faces in the room is from Chicago. So you know what they're like. He's just scrawling deep dish pizzas. He's a, he's a classical Pope. That Chicago in the deep dish. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is. I know. You have one fact about Chicago. If If anyone can mention Chicago without someone going to the windy city. Chi town. Yeah. I know. Can you Obama? Okay.

Starting point is 02:21:12 I would executive order the Epstein list. They come out because they're romantic and then they haven't. Well, they don't know. They don't know. They have. They've just said the list doesn't exist. What list? He hasn't lied.

Starting point is 02:21:24 He has released it. There's a, I've released it. I've seen this the list doesn't exist. What list? He hasn't lied. He hasn't released it. There isn't one. I've released it. I've seen this, but there was not. There was not. He killed himself in good faith and there was no client list. And old Gis Lane Maxwell is, you know, she was trafficking no one for nobody. Yeah. So he said. He went, yeah, so we watched the cameras and he did kill himself. So don't ask again.

Starting point is 02:21:43 Yeah. And we'll show you some of it, but not all of it, but you know. Yeah, they did a real VA or review of it. Like they didn't show us, but they're like, nah, we just checked it. He did kill himself. Don't worry about it. He did kill himself and there was no list anyway.

Starting point is 02:21:54 Don't ask again. They've redacted things. Yeah. And because you know, it's child abuse, which is awful. But then they were like, yeah, but nothing happened, so shut up. It was child abuse. Who did it? I don't know, no one but nothing happened. So she's up. It was child abuse. Who did it? No one.

Starting point is 02:22:05 Why is she like Maxwell in prison then? Ah, bad echoes. She's trafficking. Bad echoes. I enjoyed that week where Musk just had the meltdown and just went Trump's on the fucking list. I reckon somebody fully threatened him that week. Yeah. Cause he just stopped and knew him. What can you threaten him with death? You're not getting near him. I think the nearly on mosque, the president were getting fucking joking. He's got his kids dropped his fucking face. He does do that. I love that when he went on the, when someone shot

Starting point is 02:22:40 Donald Trump, did they? Yeah. I'm on conspiracy. Go. That's what you believe. You believe you believe that was the contius face. I'm big into conspiracy. You hate conspiracy theories. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm on the turn. I've got a, I've been going to a driving range. I've just done a country day. I love a bit of conspiracy. The list one, you can see a lot. Weird than it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You know what I say? I'm bit of conspiracy. But the list one, you can see that that's weird, isn't it? Yeah. You know when I say I'm not into conspiracies, I understand that there's been conspiracies all throughout time through big business, governments, the fucking church historically.

Starting point is 02:23:18 And when people said that fucking real, when they said that real of that guy who's like, you think the government are bad in zero? I get it. There's been conspiracies. I just don't enjoy talking about Hillary Clinton's Scranning Kids. And as soon as I go, I'm not really into that one. He doesn't do fucking conspiracies. Jealous. Hillary Clinton's Scranning Kids. Watch that on vice. Fuck. That's delicious with Hillary Clinton. You know that one don't you? Peter gate. Yeah yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah well I'm into it now. What about Bohemian Grove?

Starting point is 02:23:50 Yeah yeah I'm familiar with is that where they worship Moloch the Isle? Yeah yeah I love that one as well. Because I've seen Alex Jones got like footage of it and he was like see that proves it and you're like that could be anything. Yeah. Like I'm not saying I don't believe it but you're just showing me a man here. Yeah. The Elon Musk argument with Trump. Everyone was like he's on Ketamine though. And he, it is. He says wacky when he's, yeah, I don't know. But I don't think he was on a lot of Ketamine when he was having a full blown Twitter

Starting point is 02:24:17 argument with POTUS there. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Having, having done Ketamine, it's not like, do know, I need an argument with the president. It's not an easy thing to tweet revenge from a kale. He's on like a cocktail of shit. Isn't he? Have you seen the things where it is like stomachs like he's built like a month. It's gone weird because of, I think they said he's taking steroids without exercising and cat. Oh, not my problem. The thing is, don't, if you had a problem with the prime minister, the president and you fucked, you'd want to speak to them. If you could, you would.

Starting point is 02:24:53 Yeah. I mean, if you like, I want to tweak your style. When I only read it, you would. I can't, I feel Kierstammer could ring me and I wouldn't answer it. Like, really? Ah, just no interest in talking to him. Cause he'll be born, isn't he? He'd bring you a bit of a great new recipe for banana bread and you're like, fuck off, Keir. That'd be a weird phone call, wouldn't it? If the Prime Minister and you just tell you about his new banana bread recipe.

Starting point is 02:25:14 I'd answer and I'd have so many questions before and that. What? This time just tell me about banana bread. I wouldn't, I wouldn't answer him. I'd be like, he's meant to be born, he's the Prime Minister. No, they're meant to be fun. There's an exciting one over across the water and he's a fucking lunatic. Who?

Starting point is 02:25:29 Donald Trump. Oh, why? He's fun and exciting. But Johnson was fun. Like I didn't like him, but he was fun. They don't all have to be boring. Yeah, but he was a bad, he was a bad one. He was, but he was fun.

Starting point is 02:25:40 Yeah, so fun equals bad. I'd rather have a good boring one. Liz Truss was a laugh, weren't. I'd rather have a good boring one. You've got a bad boring one. He's abysmally shit and boring. There's no entertainment in my talk. That is a good point. Johnson. Yes. He was terrible, but he's been a unicycle care. Yeah. It should be funny. I saw him wear the scarf. Yeah. Where are we? Like flashy glasses. He's not a good first year. No, so fun. He's like a scarf in the middle of summer. I hit him because he's coming for disabled benefits and that pisses me off because it's

Starting point is 02:26:17 just because it's led to this thing on Twitter, which I shouldn't be on it anyway because Twitter is just here's a bad and here's a full or so. Here's a terrible opinion. We've got different algorithms. Do we? Yeah. You're not just porn and the head. No, I don't see any bad ones on Twitter. May I send you some later? I'll get on that algorithm. It's good. I saw porn, but hadn't all I get. I feel weird. I assumed it was everybody. It's like they're really safe for you, Paige. But like, yeah, no, it's just led to these people online. Just make just lies about like how disability benefits work and being like, Oh, well, they should be working anyway. And you're like, he's no arms or legs. Fucking leave him alone. That guy should get benefits. He can't work. He can be on the telephone. Got some executive orders from the listeners.

Starting point is 02:27:10 Reese Mulkerin. So Reese Mulkerin says, executive order here, lids, streaming platforms must have a whole collection of a film series available to watch. No point having film number two through seven if you can't watch number one. That's a great one. Yeah, I can't. What?! Seven film franchise doesn't have the first one available. This is a non-problem.

Starting point is 02:27:34 Police Academy. What are you not in for, Harry? Did you write this in? That doesn't happen, surely? Yeah, there's like films on Netflix where they've got the third one but they haven't got the second one. Like Hunger Games? Yeah. Yep they'll be like ones on Amazon, ones on Disney. Yeah. Yeah but I don't think they've got a full collection of eight and then they miss them one. Have them all. No Philosophers Stone. You get them all. And the Oceans you get 11, 12, 13 and the Woman one. Fast and Furious. Where has all the Fast and Furious? Oh yeah you can't, that's too many. Scotty says, executive order for you lads,

Starting point is 02:28:07 when ranking things out of 10, there needs to be a new number in between six and seven. A six out of 10 and a seven out of 10 is so wildly different for them to be next to each other. It's mid table. How about a six and a half? Yeah, this man's gonna lose his mind when he finds out about decimals.

Starting point is 02:28:24 It's mid table in it between top off six is like, Oh, seven. I'm like, Oh, well done. Do you know what I find really interesting about six out of 10? Six out of 10 seems worse than three stars, but they're the same. That's absolutely spot on. Yeah. Yeah. Three stars is three out of five. Which is six out of 10. But also what you're saying here is he respects the score out of 10 without doing the decimals. Six out of 10 seems worse than three stars, but seven out of 10 seems better than three and a half stars.

Starting point is 02:28:57 Yeah, cause your top table, seven is like wow. Isn't that fucking weird? If I got a three and a half star of you, I'm like, oh, it's horrible. If someone was like seven out of 10, I'd be like. Thank you, yeah, top table. So four, five, six, mid table, anything below and then seven and above is have you ever, ever done a one, a one, a one star review? I mean, the worst I got was a two star. I got the worst. I got saved. Yeah. And to be fair, they were right. Like they were wrong. My one was wrong.

Starting point is 02:29:29 In Edinburgh, you have to really stink the gaff out to get a one. And they don't give them out much because it causes publicity for the show. Like one star shows get read very often, very often sell out for the rest of the run. Because everyone goes, well, go on. It's remarkably shit. Yeah, it's too just means it's just boring. I'd rather watch a one star than a four star. No, we'd rather watch a one than a three. Four's a great show.

Starting point is 02:29:50 Most good shows are four stars. One would be funnier though. Four stars tend to be better than five stars in my opinion. For stand up. I mean, I know what you're getting at. Once it hits five stars. There's no agenda with a four. Yes, Four just means

Starting point is 02:30:05 great stand up, but it didn't say anything. Yeah. And five star means they cry at the end or they're on a fucking exercise bike for half of it. Something weird. That's a specific one. Gemini something weird like that. Like I said, I know what you mean. Did it. But you got that. Yeah. It was on a treadmill for the whole show. What show? The one about getting raped. Well I didn't know that. It's been made into a pretty famous baby. I've seen baby reality but he's not on a treadmill at any point. No he's doing a lot of running though. It all feeds in. It's clever isn't it? That wasn't slagging Richard. I just meant, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 02:30:47 We think it was. I know what you mean about you'd rather watch a, but I think what you mean is a three because a three is an okay show. Like, yeah, like this. I've seen some good shows that got three. I've done some good shows. Films as well. It's probably the same in it. Yeah. Yeah. Five star movie. Like everyone rants and raves about five star like Banshee's event this year. And everyone's like, it's amazing. I watch them like born. The fuck's that? I, my best run was 2018 and I got pretty much fours and fives across the board. And on the same day that a four and a half and a five

Starting point is 02:31:22 star review reviewer were in the same same day the two star review was in. So I got a four and a half and a five on the same day I got a two. So it's not like they all just, they see me on like a hungover day or something. They see in the same show. That exact thing is happening. And the whole run, like award winning run,

Starting point is 02:31:41 like really good quotes throughout it, all fours and fives apart from that two star review. And I'm very comfortable. Like it was interesting when I first started getting reviews in Edinburgh and like if you got like a three or whatever, people come to you and like, ah, fucking ignore that lad load of shit. And I'm like, no, you should actually, if you're going to read them, you should read them all and see if you can sort of see what anyone criticizing it is on about. If they criticize something that I'm already self-conscious about, that I kind of know, then I go, then it's noticeable. Now, if they criticize me for the show not containing something

Starting point is 02:32:11 that I don't do, yeah, do you know what I mean? It's not very deep. It's not profound. Like, well, I'm not. Yeah. So I don't care about that. Totally. Yeah. But the two star one, I'm just like you, you were just wrong that year. Yeah. And you should, if you're reviewing stuff at Edinburgh, it's not supposed to be an opinion piece. It's a review. It's supposed to be is this good Three three stars is par Yeah, basically, although it's not beyond that really because two and a half like yeah If you get three like if you do a three star running, you were a little bit disappointed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You'll never get, you'll never, but you'll never get all threes. No, but I'm saying if you're not, you're like, yeah,

Starting point is 02:32:51 it was threes. You're disappointed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, like I would have been then, like I wouldn't want reviewers in anymore. I just like to stop bother. I've got all the quotes and stars I'll ever need from each individual. Like forever. I can just go short or four stars, the herald five stars. Why am I asking you to come back and change it? I love the chart will gave me four and a half stars that you were Steve Bennett didn't review me so good. After so many twos and threes, you send the reserve guy and he really likes me. And now till the end of time, four and a half stars total.

Starting point is 02:33:27 Have we spoken about you being in the comedy store yet? For the first time? Well, I got given a chance by a comedian promoter that has been really good to me recently, Adam Rowe. And it was great. I really, I really enjoyed it. I mean, it was a fucking murderers row of a bill. And I got to go on first and I still got the last train home. It was a fucking dream. And the hype is for real. Cause that's the first time I've ever been

Starting point is 02:33:56 to the comedy store. Cause when they don't book you and they've banned you from doing work for a while, you just don't feel like going. I mean, I don't go to comedy clubs as a punter anyway. So I've never been in the building. So I turned up, Adam's already there. And I turned up, we sort of said,

Starting point is 02:34:10 oh, we'll meet at like seven for a half seven show. And I got to the door and I was like, oh, I'm down on one of the acts and they don't know who the fuck I am because they've never met me before. And he went, all right, cool. And I went, where do I go? To be shown, because I've never set foot in the room.

Starting point is 02:34:26 Everyone was lovely. It was nice to hang out a little bit before. And the show was all Adam's fans and pod fans. And it was a touch. And it is one of the best stages I've been on. Like it's a classroom. And you can see why it's got the legendary status that it's got.

Starting point is 02:34:43 Even the lighting was really smart. They've got, instead of having spotlights, which is like nearly all comedy clubs, they've got a long strip that just lights the stage equally. I remember being on going, that's clever. It's almost like they've been the top of the game for 40 years. So it was really cool.

Starting point is 02:35:03 I've never done that. So if you're watching. It is my favorite room in the UK I'll bring a treadmill, I'll do anything Just be careful Shall we fuck off? Yeah, 19th of July, Hot Water 7 o'clock sold out, half 9 on sale

Starting point is 02:35:18 I'm not sure whether I've got any others that have got tickets left and if I have the very very limited Have you got anything to plug on? Sunday the 5th of October me and Eshan are having a little fuck around at one of the best rooms in comedy Katie Fitzjoel's in Stourbridge we're doing two shows and trying something a little different. Tickets will be available via the funny business website. 18th of July I'm in Dublin. I don't think there's many tickets if any left for that.

Starting point is 02:35:48 Glasgow's all sold out, South Shields is sold out. Manchester on the 6th of August, Birmingham on the 7th, Manchester on the 3rd of September, Leeds on the 4th, Cardiff on the 7th, and London again, the Comedy Store again, I'm doing that show again on Wednesday the 10th of September.

Starting point is 02:36:09 Other than that, I think tickets are either sold out or very close to, but adamrodocode at UK forward slash shows, click the links and yeah, I am starting to put my proper actual tour together for the end of next year. And we're doing the arena on the 20th of December this year. Do not miss out. It's going to be fucking spectacular. We have a song this week from a band we've played a couple of times. They're great. This is a band called Carova and this is their new tune, The Wrong Kind of Potion.

Starting point is 02:36:41 Big Willy T. It's the boys podcast. Thanks for having me. Love you you mate. Appreciate it. What you call living is not found in prayers And what you're trying to tell us is not what we've heard Your jokes won't go down in here Your tongue won't last You're mixing with The wrong kind of potions

Starting point is 02:37:36 The wrong kind The wrong kind, the wrong kind of potion I bet you watched them sleeping Right through the afternoon Why does my heart stop beating? Perhaps I come too soon Your jokes won't go down in here Your time won't last yet You're mixing with

Starting point is 02:38:24 The wrong kind of potions I could have sworn the words you said before were fact in your eyes It's funny how easily you change your mind all the time The long time, the long time has passed you. The long time, this place is yours You

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