Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #338 with Mike Rice - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: July 20, 2025

Tickets for the ARENA SHOW, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's September Karaoke Party: https://www.skiddle.com/e/40966945Listen to Finn's music: https://bio.to/FinnlayKAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Huel | https://huel.com/haveawordpodGet Huel today with this exclusive offer for New Customers of TEN Pounds OFF + a FREE Gift with code haveawordpod at https://huel.com/haveawordpod (Minimum £60 purchase)Saily | https://saily.com/Download SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it and I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. Welcome to the have a word podcast. I'm here with my good friend and business partner, Carl. And my God, we've achieved a lot on this podcast in the last five and a half years. Ooh, it doesn't get any bigger than this.

We are back with a podcast live show at the Arena in Liverpool on Saturday, the 20th of December. It's gonna be a podcast extravaganza. Stand up in the first half, booze in the break. And then we have a podcast live show. We have essentially a party. If you were there three years ago, you know how good it gets.

It's just a celebration of everything. Have a word. Are you excited about this, Carl? I'm so excited because the names you've got lined up are going to change how you view podcasts, mate. How have they got him? How have they got him? How have they got them? Yeah it's going to be an amazing podcast party right before Christmas. It'll be the last thing you do just before Christmas and then you shut it down for Christmas, Gooch and New Year's Eve.

Imagine this for one second, I love the Have Away podcast. Wow I love them boys, I've watched it for five years. Wow I'm going to give it a miss, start that arena. It's not for me. January comes. Everyone's going, did you hear about the arena? Can you believe it? You don't know a thing, mate. You're out of the loop.

No one even likes you anymore. So you can get- Don't be that guy or girl. Buy a ticket. Tickets, Live Nation and also- HaveAWordPod.com. Yeah, that's the one. Go to our website. And also sign up to the Patreon. Patreon.com. Yeah, that's the one go to our website and also sign up to the patreon patreon.com

Slash have a word pod for the biggest patron in the UK and one of the biggest in the world That's us. Don't be the guy who goes I didn't go because I went shopping instead Silly Billy that was a really good pre-roll. Cheers. We did really well there. You were great on today's episode as ever Thank you. I was a great episode with Insert Name. Don't you agree? I love Insert Name. Yeah. Enjoy. Finn, this is the one and only Have Award. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below the waist

groomer. Go Ed, get on me. How are we all feeling? Sketchy, but pleased. You know, sometimes it's worth being a touch sketchy, because you just have such good times with your friends, you know, yeah I wouldn't consider it a hangover. It's a hangover adjacent. I know what you mean. I found a bit tired I think I'm just fucking permanently exhausted them in it. I do think by the way, we had the first ever annual

Yeah, have a word bank holiday yesterday. We were all off. So we we all like went and had fun Fin didn't come Because he wants to go and finger his arse on a hill or something. Near enough. Near enough. He'll finger his arse on a hill. What did you do instead? Didn't go.

They blocked the stage. So what did you do yesterday? Not much. I had had fish and chips. Hang on. When did you find out you weren't going? At like three o'clock. And then didn't come? No.

He was with his brother, wasn't he? Yeah. Oh, so you were coming. Yeah. Ah. Play on. Yeah. We went and had a few beers.

It was lovely, wasn't it? Cocktails. Yeah. A bit of food. Oh, a rhubarb Pamplona. Oh. I am getting old, though. I was absolutely delighted to call it early and go to bed. I was so happy to be in bed. It was great when you did it because

I'd wanted to do it for about half an hour. No, I was, I did it because you did it. Yeah. He said you were the one who ruined it first. What do you mean? You said you were walking to flight club and you said I'm going to go and get some scran. And I was pretending that I was gonna get scram and keep going out. No, no one bought it though. I know no one bought it, but I was gonna live with that. You think we all thought you were getting a chicken kebab and then going to flight club.

You told me so. But it's an acceptable lie in that situation. And then when you went. It's an obvious lie. What was his acting like? What was it like? He went to a store. He went, oh, I'm actually like I might get a, I

get a chicken kebab and then come to flight club and I immediately went right. Go home. Bye. And then I just, then I'm allowed to admit. Yeah. I want to go on. Then we moved the jig is up. Yeah. That's what we said. Everyone said some jigging industry. I think I'm just done with binge drinking. Well, interested until until you do it next. I will do it again. I know. Yeah, I'm just not doing it all the time. You know, as we had a bingey, a bingey spring of weddings and parties and fucking stag do's. I did a lot of big booze. Yeah, but I always do that. Yeah, I'm out of it for a bit. I'm happy to just lough it for a few months. Like just having a couple of pints

and then being in bed by 10 o'clock. Fucking shag me, mate. Yeah, but that's all about when you start, ain't it, that's why the three o'clock, the three o'clock kickoff was a touch. Cause then you're day boozing, aren't you? So 10 o'clock, you've done a good, you've had a good three.

Two bottles of water before bed, big piss, eight hour kick. Oh! Oh, you got eight hours in there. Yeah. Woke up. Went and got a coffee. Come here. That's how I'm hungover because I got a coffee. Oh, can you not coffee? Hungover. It tastes.

It's not that it tastes different. I just like I get like super anxiety. Right. It just accelerates the hangover anxiety. And we don't want that much to be. Yeah. The way people describe how Manjaro makes them feel about like fucking lemon juice. Okay. I feel that way about coffee when I'm hungover.

Okay, yeah. Like I just, you're not meant to have caffeine, are you? When you're hungover. Isn't it bad for you? Doesn't it give you a headache, doesn't it? Well, they've got caffeine in Anidine extra and that is my go-to. I feel a bit rough the next day. That's the thing I use to level out a little bit.

That and a cold plunge will sort you out. The smokers who can wake up hungover and light up a cigarette. My God. You've got to love the tabs to be like, I'm rough but I need that first smoke. I had some snus. Did you? How did that go? Well, it went like a large tab of LSD.

That's how it went. I went to the moon for a bit. Yeah, it's rough, isn't it? It's nice up there. When he took his pants off. Oh no, it can be. I was, when we were backstage at Shane Gillis, he handed me one and I was like, well, I'm going to have one.

And then I was fighting for my life chatting to Sam Campbell. He was holding onto the wall. Just to let you know, this is a three out of four strength Nordic spirit available at all Tesco's. Not like Ecuadorian chewing

cocaine or whatever. That sounds good. I've had cocaine before and that affected me more yesterday. You've had not good cocaine mate. Snuzz could be stronger. Jack said the only thing he's ever white-eat off is a snuzz. Right. And Jack can do anything.

Just because we're not a fucking new new the food hoover with coke like you are. Who the what? New new the food hoover? Merch coming soon. I'm not telling Tubby's that. No no. You're not new new, don't you? The little Noo the Food Hoover? Merch coming soon. Some of the Teletubbies, Dan? Noo Noo. You know who Noo Noo, don't you? The little... The food hoover? He sucks all the tubby custard. I thought you were just saying words that sounded fun to say.

Noo Noo the Food Hoover? I was like, that's very creative. Can't be hungover, you've got very playful. Teletubbie toast and tubby custard. I've had all sorts of drugs, me. I had that fucking spliff in L'Ecdema. The a lollipop. It wasn't, it was a spliff. Did he smoke a spliff? It was a CBD joint. It was a CBD joint. It was a lollipop. Once again. You had a lollipop as well. You always do forget when you did actual pot in Amsterdam. Yeah. Yeah. That's the main one. But like that yesterday was very intense immediately.

It's, and my head felt heavy. Like I was like a fucking. How did it the same? I did it as well. Yeah. But I was more dramatic. I like your instinct to just give it a go. I mean, Harry just got bullied into it. Yeah. They were like, go on as well. Who calls literally. I'm not, I was like, I'll do it. If you do it. I'm not fucking doing it. I was like, why should I do it? He's like, it's funny if you do it. So then I did it. Thank you. And yeah, you read feels like I felt like I was going to go off into one side. Did you nearly call an ambulance? It seems like the sort of thing. No, I felt like I was in italics for a bit. He started talking about the relationship he has with his dad. So he went to a friend. I got pressured into talking about my relationship with my dad. I don't want to talk about my

dad. Talk about yours. Funny. Why are you such a ming with stuff like that? I don't know. It's just a control thing in a. Yeah. But like it's like it's available. All good Tesco's like you can say the bad ones. So it's not like I can't, I don't know where to get it. I know what it is. I see it in the offie every time we go in. Yeah, but that's what I mean. But you've had like poppers. Yeah. What? And balloons. Yeah. What? What do you do? Poppers. We used to go out at the London live show. Oh yeah.

So he fucking has a poppers mate. Yeah. A big gaping asshole of a man. Pops man! Pop Smoke, they call me. What? I don't know, I'm just like that, I'm a gimp. I'm all about control, apart from poppers. I love poppers. I love feeling like my head's gonna pop like a balloon

and then my sphincter like loosening. Nah, years ago in the bars, the balloons were fun. I heard. So you'll do that, but you won't do a bit of fucking snores. I just did one then then. Balloons are worse for you than snores. Footballers do snores. They also do balloons actually but like I had mates in school that like did loads of balloons and then couldn't remember like their own middle name. What's balloons? Nozz. Just like Nozz canisters.

Do you ever watch the Eats for Speed? Like fast in the Fioriars? The button that makes them go fast. You smoke that. It's dentist's laughing gas shit. Yeah you know what they have in whipped cream cans. That's more believable than it's the turbo charging thing from the... They are both correct.

No. Yeah. Bruh, no. Yes nitrous oxide. Just huffing on a fucking Nissan. When you go to the dentist, they just treat you like a Honda Civic. It lasts for like 30 seconds, music sounds great and it's that funny, and then you're back again. That's why I like it, because I'm back again.

Those 30 second highs. I only felt sick for about 45 minutes, yes, do you? Let's start sniffing glue. Come on. What's the next up? You've done poppers. I've done Sharpies. There have you. Little Hitler mustache. What have you been doing, Carl? Nothing!

You're touching your nose with it and you're like, I can't get that off of there. You just don't. Bang on. Does poppers loosen your bum bum? It's a gay, because it's a bigger thing on the gay scene, isn't it? Yeah, it helps your bum and... Cock loosens your arse. That's what helps the gays. No.

No, Carl. No, Carl. No, Carl. The poppers loosen your arse or a cock slides right in. I like my cock, eh? I went back to a girl's house once and she was a woman. She was older than me. We got that with girls. I met her in a...

How much older? I think I must have been about 23 and she was early 30s. Go on. Went back to hers in some bit of Manchester that I'd never been to before. We're like, oh, we're in like actual Mancunian Manchester rather than like Falafel, Withington, all students. Yeah, like, ooh, real Manchester.

And I just couldn't put a foot wrong. She was, I was like, her mate was there, her mate's boyfriend was there, I was getting on with everyone. He's a bit boring, she liked me. But like, I just, it was one of them nights where you're like, I'm gonna get laid here. And I wasn't even like, I was just being myself

and it was a good life and we hung out for a few hours back at theirs. And I just couldn't put a foot wrong. And she was like, okay, these are going to bed, you wanna, are you staying over? And she was like, okay, these are going to bed. You want to, um, uh, are you staying over? And I was like, yeah, really, really high. And then she was like, um, I'm going to get a shower. Do you want to shower? I was like, okay, good. So I was like, she had a shower and then I had a shower. Then we got in bed and she just, no, we didn't go in the shower together. That's mad. She basically told you to get a wash.

But yeah. Yeah, but I don't mind that. I think that's good. I think that's good policy. Do you want to stay over? Do you want to get a wash? I think that's good policy anyway. Do you want to stay over?

Mate, Laura does that now. Laura does that now. She got back from the gym yesterday and she was like, all right, come on. We've got a bit of time. Yeah, that's different. You've got kids and house together. You can't invite someone who's a fucker in the arse and then tell them to wash the bollocks first. Rude. Yeah, that's different. You've got kids and house together. You can't invite someone who's a fucking in the arse

and then tell them to wash the bollocks first. Rude. I think it's actually, I think it's really smart. You go and get a wash first. Mate, anyone who's washing the giblets before the fucking bang, I have no problem with that. You can just sink wash if needed. Hey, I remember when I used to stay at mate's houses

before we went to bed, like, I remember staying at Carl Donnelly's where, oh, what's the Australian comedian that's Benny boot. And I think I was basically staying in Benny's bed. He was away and I had a shower before I stayed over and Carl was like, what are you doing? I was like, I'm just having a shower before bed because I'm in someone's bed. I'm not going to be a big, you know what I mean? We'd been at a gig. It'd been a bit hot. I just think it's good policy. Anyway. Hang on. Stop. Right. You're staying in Carl Donnelly and Benny Booth's house and you went

and got a shower without asking Carl Donnelly if you could get a shower. No, I got a shower. I was like, I'm just going to have a shower. And he was like, before bed. I was like, yeah. He wanted to fuck. I'm staying. And then Carl Donnelly. And then Carl Donnelly got the poppers out. This girl, woman, as we got in the room, you know, nicely showered,

put the poppers like on the headboard. And I was like, this is, I haven't done this before. So I don't know where she thought that was going. And we started kissing. Yeah. And we started kissing and my dick, my dick was not at the races whatsoever. It was whatever happened. It was a full flop shower.

You think I scrubbed too hard? No, it might have been too hard. I did come three times in the shower. It's that tingly shower gel in it. Oh, mint. Yeah, nothing happened. I don't know where that was going. I think I think that would have been a session of like Bob and poppers and yeah, what did you say to her when you couldn't get it right? I'm so sorry. Do you not just eat it out?

What? I should look it out. Yeah, because that gets you going as well and it gives you time to get going. Yeah, she's clean you going as well and it gives you time to get going. Yeah. She's clean. I didn't. Oh no. You didn't? What did you do?

Just get a good bed? I just, I was like, oh my dicks not worked. I think I was in a taxi about 25 minutes later. Oh shit. Yeah. You could have done with my coaching. All your life. All Greg Wallace's.

I think it was more the cocktail of drugs we'd had in the evening. And I'd just got him out. I was like, oh, this is a total disaster. I felt embarrassed. But I should have just gone... Yeah, because then you got, oh, this is sexy. Then you get turned on. Just a young man who didn't have game. But, you know, in the last four or five weeks, it's really come on my game. I'm scared that if I have poppers me who will all fall out my house Tell you what she wasn't I'll just have another shower don't worry about that

It's not in I seems to have paid myself it can't be like an instant laxative. It's just a loosening of the bum bum Are they again? So desperately need a shite and and immediately that it's at the door. Are you sitting there constantly, Clemson? What? Are you sitting there constantly keeping the door shut? No, I'm not having to keep it shut. Do you like like, but it's closed over and sometimes like on like a few moments notice, does poo at the door. So if you like go to sleep, is there a chance that you just immediately shit yourself because you've relaxed?

No, you're both making the same mistake. The door's locked. The door's locked. The door's shut. I tried to get in. I think it's a ropey lock. There's someone at the ring doorbell. The door's shut.

Poo. The door's shut, but occasionally someone's at the door and I have to very quickly go and let them in or they're going to knock the door down. So I'm worried that if I have poppers and you know that's just like having your patio open in it. I'm just worried like when it gets there it'll just be like, oh it's already open. I'm coming in. So most people are like with vampires like you've got to let them out.

Yeah you've got to invite them out. Whereas you're just open door policy. Is that the like with vampires, like you've got to invite them out. Whereas you're just open door policy. Is that the rule with vampires? You've got to invite them out. Listen, we've invited you in, but you started eating everyone. So I'm going to listen. I know you're a vampire, but I've had enough of this. There were six people at this dinner party. Four are dead now. I'm going to invite you out.

And we know the rules of vampires. We've got a lot of people who listen to this podcast. and I'll tell you right now, some of them are women. Right. I've had like Interdouble figures dms from women going. I listened to the part and I have two problems too. I think they're flirting I'm gonna slide into your dms. They they're your asshole mate. Some mons knocking out. Yeah Someone's doing a poo right now. Listen to this. What's happening if you're doing a poo young man? Shite is like bailiffs to me. It's like they'll knock a few times but eventually they're coming in.

As far as skunk that. Whether you open the door or not. So if the door's already open, they're in. They're gonna take me telly. You know I've just lost it's legs. This door analogy has gone too far by the way. Hang on. Bailips are knocking, but they're definitely coming in. Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that the poppers were good for deep throat and now it relaxes your muscles. What? Yeah. Oh, I could have had a fucking

great time. She was a unit as well. I don't think women need that to deep throat you do they? McDonald's straw because of my small penis. If you're a new listener. Have you seen that video of Greg Wallace that went around this week? Which one? So Greg Wallace was cancelled wasn't he for being a bit handsy and creepy and whatever. Lots of times. But he's like zero accountability in him. He just thinks he was hard done by. So there's an interview with him this week where they're going.

So what's it been like since then? He goes, Oh, you know, I work with some young people now and they're like, Hey, Greg, you coming for a pint after work? And I have to say, no, I'm scared of you. I'm scared of your culture. Your generation are just full of complainers and I don't want to get in trouble again. Just don't get your cock out in the pub. You blame the autism.

We've got sexually harassing people. I don't want to go out with you. I have to touch someone. He said he doesn't know how to knock his cock out because he's autistic. No, no. What he said was, I can't wear underwear because I've got autism. There you go. I think I'm a bit autistic and I've got one of these on right now. Sorry, what? That was his excuse. He said the BBC didn't give him enough kind of safeguarding, like protect him from his autism. What's he accused of? Just taking his trousers off in inappropriate times and places?

He was just commando left, right and center. That isn't going to get you canceled though, is it? Yeah, but he came in with trousers though, didn't he? He did come on. He did come on. Yeah, but he was... Greg, your dick's out and you've got no pants on. It's my tism, mate.

He was making remarks to some female contestants. I fucking crack and titch you, girl. Look at my cock. Oh, you can't say it anymore. Er, fuck off, Greg. Stop trying to fucking piggyback on people suffering with autism. Just because you're a dirty old pervy, sludgy cunt. He might be autistic.

I don't think he fucking is. But even if he is, it doesn't mean it's right. You can't abuse people just because you say you've got this thing wrong with you, even if you haven't. Hundreds of women are like, he's horrible, isn't he he? Oh well, you know. I'm dyslexic aren't I? He's commando-tism. 83 allegations against him. 83.

One of them's correct isn't it, if not all of them so he's done something wrong. There you go. What an ally you are. At least one of them's right. 82 liars. You know what I mean? is right 82 liars. I mean if it was one you go that never happened 83 women are lying. Don't worry about it my dicks in your thigh. What am I meant to do wear fucking underpants. They sat the other fellow as well you only had one allegation against him. That's enough though. That is enough. It wasn't that was for saying something.

Who? John Trudeau? Not John Tru- is that right? Justin Trudeau. No that's the- Justin Trudeau. They fired the Canadian Prime Minister. Who John? What did he do? Justin Trudeau. Blacked up. Masterchef. I know he blacked up. Sounds like they wanted rid of all them. John Turode. There we go. Oh I know him. Yeah off MasterChef. Yeah I don't watch MasterChef though. John Tirode. Shout out John Tirode. South African cricket player. Who hasn't been cancelled for anything I don't think. And his dance doesn't. Hansi Kroenje got done for cheating though. That's the South African cricket in the 1990s. Hansi. Hansi Kroenje. That sounds, you know, a bit Hansi as well. No, he's just a big cheating cunt.

What did he do? Just cheated, took money for, you know what I mean? What do I mean? Throwing matches. Oh, that's not cheating to me. That. What? That's not cheating. Cheating. You're trying to win. No. Sorry. What? No. He's taking money from people who are betting. I don't think that's cheating to me. And you throw in the match is not. What are you talking about? You don't have picks on weird hills to die on sometimes. People are getting bookings in matches. They're not cheating. No, they're cheating the bookie. Yeah. They're not cheating the No they're cheating the bookie. Yeah they're not cheating the game though technically are they? Like Lance Armstrong he was cheating and he didn't care about the bookies. Yeah they cheated the game. They're cheating the bookies aren't they? No they he was throwing the game. He wasn't just doing you can't get yellow card in cricket.

He wasn't just that wasn't the bet. I think he was I think they were losing matches because of it. How bad, umpire? How bad can you be on your own to lose an entire team, Sporting Cricket? What was he doing? He was the captain. Right, so he was making like... I don't know. ...tactic changes.

I know what you mean. Like, Lucas Pichetta, allegedly from West Ham, booting the ball out of play. He's not cheating. And getting a yellow card and making himself a few mil and there's a bookie getting boxed and whatever. Oh, is that the one where there's a free kick? And he goes, I thought the ball was in play and runs 15 yards and well is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He hasn't been booked yet and he's like, I need to get booked, what can I do? That's not cheating. Cheating the bookies, that's robbing money. That's not cheating the game of football. Unless you're the goalkeeper and you're letting goals in. Yeah, but there is a, like bookies can pay for stuff that is cheating the game. And I think that with cricket in South Africa, that's what was going on. It wasn't just the

timing of some trouble. I got accused of it. Didn't he back in the day? Well, for letting goals in. Yeah, there's a video of him like agreeing to do it. But then he said he changed his mind and never did it. That's what you would say. There's some pretty wild videos of like, leagues in Africa where some money has changed hands and goalkeepers like. Have you seen the tennis one? That's totally illegal, the tennis cheat. So you sit at a match, a tennis match,

and then you've got on a phone to somebody who's on the betting site. And basically as they save, you basically go like, like it's going to be an ace or they're going to win the point back quick. And they bet over the phone with that. It's called like spotting. And you can make so much money if you go there.

So hang on. Cause the bookies aren't instant are they? Like they've, he's just aced them. The bookies aren't like the second that ace has gone in. Oh, so they've watched the ace happen and then as the balls come on down, like he's like ace put it on now and he goes bam and the bookie like they're half a second before the bookies. It feels like it's on the bookies to not have that instantaneous delay on it. Yeah, they have point. Some probably do, but like some don't. They have point.

When I used to go watch when W, we're owned by Chinese owners, it happened a lot. We were, I went to watch them play crew and there was just loads of Chinese brothers behind me on the phone. Unless they were just like, so what were they doing spot in there? They're probably bringing the wives saying I'm just at a match. Leave me alone. I'm going to paint with the boys. I'm out with the China boys. Fucking leave me alone. The boys, she's ringing. So hang on. There's a Chinese guy. There's 12 Chinese guys in Wigan and the wife is ringing going, hang on. Where are you? You went out for milk. Well done on the accent. And they're like, they got Mexican wives. I mean, again, just Mexicans. Not offense. There's a book. He's

called the instant candy, especially for Wigan versus Crew in the Johnson's Paint Trophy. Yeah. I got a thing. It is suspicious booking though. If you're in Shanghai and you're like... Shanghai? Not Shanghai anymore, is it? Allegedly someone I know is in a lads group.

And they slash we got a thing going. Someone I know in the league is going to get booked tonight. So we all threw money on. And then in the first half, he allegedly did loads of bad tackles, but didn't get booked. And at halftime, got spoken to like, I hope you're not doing something that you shouldn't be. And then got injured in the second half and took off.

And we lost our money. They lost their money, allegedly. Ha ha ha ha. Carl was involved in a betting scandal. No, no wonder he doesn't think it's cheating, mate. I got told this lad's getting booked at this lower league game. You deserve to lose your money. We all throw 50 quid on and the lad got spooked half time by somebody who's gone, lad, you're being bang on. And he stopped.

My contractor, Rill, said I wasn't allowed to bet on any games that were in the same league. Like, I wasn't allowed to bet on my, like, or tell people to bet on me. I don't know what they'd have bet on. I think footballers should be allowed to bet on themselves to win. Yeah. It's self-belief.

Yeah. Yeah. But they're not allowed to. You're not allowed to bet on any footballer. Are you as a footballer? It's not just your league. It's not-belief. Yeah. Yeah. But they're not allowed to. You're not allowed to bet on any football, are you as a footballer? It's not just your league, is it? I thought it was just across football. No, I think you can bet on like things that have got absolutely nothing to do with you. So if you play in the Premier League, you could bet on like the Australian A-League. No? No? Apparently you can't bet on any football. Have a little Google laughing. I think you have to have a stake in it.

It does make sense to just blanket rule it. No football whatsoever. I think because if you're high up and you play the Austrian league, you have like a sphere of influence a little bit like football speak to you. You could know someone in the league and go, hey, lad, they're all know a rugby player. They're all mates, aren't they? The Premier League players, they're all mates with the Austrian A-League. Yeah, but like- Australian A-League? He's right. I might say an Austrian, though. I think- Just because they played the same sport,

I could know fucking Stevie Bunton and- Robbie Fowler played- Ask him to throw a fucking dart at the ceiling. Robbie Fowler played in that league, so he leaves Liverpool, all the Liverpool lads know. That means someone knows Adam, like, yeah. Yeah, I could know a painter and decorator in fucking Mozambique and bet on what he's going to paint the ceiling.

Wow, bet, bet, three, six, five, doing some wild bets there. When will he finish the ceiling? 12 Chinese guys in his limo. Oh, they might know each other. It's bollocks, innit? These betting companies need fucking a little wear with them, mate. Fucking let people have a flutter, will ya? It's fun.

Makes things more interesting. Yeah, it does. Life can get boring. You need to bet your fucking eyes on the ponies, mate. Premier League players, it's boring for them. 160 grand a week, they're playing in front of fucking 50,000 people. Life's dull.

Let them have a flutter. I think someone's gonna score in the score in the league. Oh, my life is fulfilled. Only that many players have done it and we've gotten away with it because there must be a lot high profile ones. The must be. Yeah. Like the odd yellow card. We look back retrospectively and go, Oh, hang on. That was a bit weird. That was mad. When it like the piquette one, he went back. That was definitely must be terrible for a dressing room as well. When you're, when you're looking at a play, like, are you for real? Like his teammates,

like, are you really doing this? You must be getting off a lot of money now. I get it 20 years ago and you were getting probably 10, 15 on the week and someone's gone. I'll give you, no, but like someone's gone. I gave you an underground and you're like, yeah, but if you're in a millions year and someone goes, I gave you the million, like it's not worth me. It is. It must be rough being a footballer from back there. Hasn't it? Like he would have had a bigger move. He was going to sit here on the net. Must be rough for footballers who back

in the day were earning two grand a week and now they just see bang average players earning 100 grand a week. Well there's no bang average player in an underground. No, okay. Vitaly Mikhilenko earns 58,000 pounds a week. How much did George best earn? 11 quid. Yeah, but he was, he's a bad example because he was minted. No, no, but not from directly from football.

Or like Stanley Matthews. What's the average wage in it for a Premier League starting player? I suppose like- I'd say like 60 grand a week. 60, yeah. And that's pulled down by like the smaller teams, isn't it? Yeah.

That feels high there. I don't think that's true. That seems really, really high. Yeah, but you've got teams who their wage bill is pulling it up so much. Yeah, but then when you do averages, you have to exclude the... Yeah, William Hill says in the region is 67 grand a week average. Mental, innit? That's so much money. Like someone's gonna have to lough your lot of money to risk your career. Because it's a short career, innit? So much money. Someone's going to have to lough a lot of money to risk your career.

Because it's a short career, innit? Yeah. That's why people get roped into it. It's like, hey, we could help you set up for life by giving you a little bung, and all that. You're only getting folk on this for about five years from them. Five years? You've only got a five-year career, you.

No, but the big books is a five-year and it like that's that's what's happening with Lewis Day as it live pill. Now it's like I want a big contract or I'm leaving because it's his last contract. He needs to make this only on 60 K. He's he's below average apparently. Yeah. He's low. What do you think the easiest way to cheat in football would be yellows?

Yeah. You can you know bet on throw ins. I saw his thing of Matt Letizia trying to kick. He got an inside training to try and kick a ball out for a throw in within the first two minutes. And when he kicked at the wind blew it back and he couldn't get out. So it's the kind of thing you're talking about. She's like, look, this happened. I got like a load of money. So from the kickoff, you know, like how they kick it into the corner now, like he was like, we're going to do one of these and he tried to boot it out and couldn't get it out. And for two minutes, he's just trying to get the ball back

and boot it out to play. And he doesn't manage it. What's the easiest way to bet with it without getting caught? Yellows in a right descent fouls Yeah. Fouls would be more obvious. You could bet if it was going to be a streaker and then you could get your kit off and run. Are you a streaker if you're one of the players? I think you'd get sectioned if you were a start in Premier League forward and you just got your cock out and ran all over the pitch. Or you have autism. I didn't know it. I haven't got any undies on have I? Well it was the goalkeeper for Sutton that... He ate a pie. Yeah he ate a pie.

And there was bets on him if he would eat a pie or not. Because he'd sit... Wayne. Mate when you're in the fourth or fifth tier you can do what you fucking want. I think they were like sixth tier weren't they? Oh sorry yeah. Thank you for the correction. Wayne Shaw.

But he got... He needs to respect the football pyramid. He got paid by the rag to do it. Yeah, and he got sacked. Lost his job. Yeah, he lost his job for eating a pie. So I hope it was good. It was a good pie, mate.

There you go. Enjoy your pies, ladies and gentlemen. Have an advert. That is it, Gamble Money. Expunge your... Okay, what is... End this one. Finding the perfect podcast audience for your brand can feel overwhelming, but with Acast's smart recommendations, finding the right podcast to sponsor takes seconds. Powered by AI, it curates the ideal podcast list based on your target audience, from millennial

men into fitness or tech-savvy women in business. Just type in who you want to reach and get instant data-driven recommendations. Start reaching the right listeners today at go.acast.com slash ads. Tell you what, Karl. Hello. We've got the biggest patron in the UK, haven't we? I had.

Why, because you're very dismissive of it. Karl, it's- I just feel like people who aren't already on board with it don't deserve it. No, haven't we? I heard. Why you ask me? Because you're very dismissive of it. Carl, it's- I just feel like people who aren't already on board with it don't deserve it. No, they do. Everyone deserves it. It's not our work. It's called the soft sell. Patreon.com slash have word pod, you know.

Do you deserve it? It's gorgeous. Do you deserve it? Think about that. You do deserve it? Maybe don't sign up because you're a maggot. There you go. There you go.

For just three quid a month, you can get so much bonus content, but you haven't done that yet have you? Because you're a fucking thicc cunt. We don't need thicc cunts to stay in your fucking box. If this is your first time you've ever listened to this podcast or watched it, no, you don't get any leeway either.

Where the fuck have you been? Sort your shit out. And the people who are patrons, stay. We appreciate you. Yeah, you're all clever. If you're already there, before, I respected everyone who signed up. Everyone yet to sign up. Do you know what, actually?

You've got three days to earn my respect. Sign up in the next three days or I'll keep you three quid forever, you tight fucking gimping. And you'll miss that secret thing next week. But what's involved? What's involved? I don't think it's good. But it is good, innit?

You'll miss the secret thing next week. You don't want to miss that. What is it? Secret? And if you watch it, you'll become a millionaire. I've heard. Allegedly. Yeah. So imagine missing that. So every week, early access to public episodes and a Patreon special every month. Come on. What else are you going to do with your three pound? And you get film called.

A bit of value for the three pound, this coffee cost me four, man. It's always about coffee, isn't it? We've always done that, right from the off. Do you know why? Coffee's ridiculous. Well, it's an everyday expense. That is a very similar price to the patron. So unless you can come up with something better.

One bars. So they're buying 31 bars, sign up. 30 for three quid. See, that's the thing. Bargain. No, I've a knee's gone up, I've a knee. Mate, a protein bar cost me two pounds 75 years today. Oh!

Whoa! Brother, rocky road. 17 grams of protein. And that's not including all the dentistry you're gonna need after that sugar rots your teeth. So, you know, this is still good value. Three pounds a month, you get everything. Really smart thinking about it.

I was thinking about gains, but it's all about teeth loss. You get to see Dan's bollocks. If they're in one of the specials, you just gotta find them, go and find it. I was thinking about gains, but it's all about to eat on bollocks If they're in one of the specials, you're gonna find them go and find it. I'm fine. Genuinely fine and on bollocks Go and find on bollocks bash. It's the best patient in the world. It's a fact. Yeah, but do we need you and Alice that so doesn't suit me doing that but I I enjoyed it. Alistair Rothwell says... That's why we need to find you bollocks. Alistair Rothwell says...

Alright lads, got a ques... Shit, I'm so sorry, Karl. Where have I gone? Old Ali Rothwell. Alright lads, got a question for you. How long would it take for you to notice that they're only playing adverts and trailers before the film's in the cinema and the film is never started? Like at what point would you go, hang on?

I think 40 minutes in, I'd be like, fucking hell, this is a lot of adverts. And an hour in, I'd be like, are they even gonna play this film? And an hour and 10 in, I'd be like, right, I'm gonna talk to someone. And also, I think that's how long it is. I think I'm right as well.

You're giving them that much grace. That's mad, innit? They'd run out of films. Like there isn't that many trailers available. They'd be like, I tell you what, you should watch the first Avatar. Here's an advert for it. Then you'd be like, something's up.

But then what you do, you go and go, excuse me, a film has not started. Yeah, but that's why it takes an hour and 10 minutes. But what would happen is you go back and the film and start you miss something really important. Excuse me, I've finished my tango ice blast and I got a very big one.

I've never gone out to grass in the cinema on any, has anyone ever grass? So I went to watch the first Suicide Squad, me and some mates and we got there and they'd started the previous screening late. So we went in and saw the end of the film, like the big twist. And then I came out.

That's on you though. And then, no, because it was about the time that the trailers were gonna start. And I came out and was like, we've just seen the end of the film. And then we were like, oh. And I was like, the film has been spoke for us because you said go in now, like that's fine.

She went, oh, okay. And so then we just had to go and sit in the film, but we knew what the twist was gonna be at the end. It was shit. What was the twist in the joke is not dead. Spoilers. Spoiler. It's a shit one. This is a better version of that film. She's going to send you. Ah, she is anyway. And if they had to, the joke was not dead. Yeah. But I was like, I was just hoping they'd give us like free like M and M's or something. I don't know what I've expected from that.. How early were you at the cinema for that? If the previous screen...

It was a boys day out, we were getting on it. Boys day out, boys, we're going fucking mad. Let's get the cinema in half an hour. Carry in the lads. There's no such thing as early. I like to be there with the lights on. And then they drop the light. I like that. My answer for this is 15 minutes after I sit down.

Because I'm getting there. Fucking hell mate. I'm getting there five minutes before it starts. Going to the cinema with Finn is a scare. Like I get a bit twitchy. Hang on. I don't like that. Hang on.

If the film says on the ticket R4, you're getting there quarter five, aren't you? Yeah. Right. So at five o'clock you're going and causing me a death. I'm just leaving. Hang on. I'm getting off. It's often more than 20 minutes of bump before. Yeah, yeah, no, 15 minutes is generous.

Me and Harry, a lot of the time, if we go, we normally go last minute and Harry will go, are we going? I'll go, yeah, yeah, give it five minutes. I've gone to the cinema with you, not a chance. With him. But to be fair though, he times it well, because we get in and it's got the screen up

that says like, what's the... Hello, welcome to the Odeon. Sit down, don't get sucked off and enjoy the film. John Boyega telling you to turn your phone off. No, see I'd like all that stuff. I like the Dolby advert where they move the sound around and you're like, oh, oh, it's everywhere. Yeah, I like watching the trailers and the adverts and shit.

It's part of the experience. What's the new Volvo? I'll find out. Nah, I want to sit down and then it starts and then I'm done. I don't have to deal with any knobheads standing up. When you have kids, I know this isn't happening tomorrow, but be aware that there's less of that before a kids film. Do you want kids film? There's a bit less bumps.

I don't think so. No. No. Fucking childless corner over there. Because he's 26, he's in a band. Also, I think that's a bit... How weird would it be if he went, yeah, soon? Soon. I mean, there's one sitting there saying that.

I know, but have you heard him? No, I've not said soon, but like... You just said soon yesterday! I think, once me and Ellie are in this house, if she was pregnant, we'd be like, ah, sound. I mean, we wouldn't be like, ah, if you fall down the stairs. Just if you haven't tracked the timeline on this, they met in March last year. Yeah. 24 people keep on coming up to me and being like, I

don't think it's a bit quick. You know, you know, honey. Exactly. And I was like, do you know what I think people are getting wrong there is normally they forget how horny you are on it, right? Most people are going, Oh, I wouldn't have a kid that soon. Cause they're fucking once or twice a week. Whereas you're doing that once or twice a day. So you're fucking in dog years. Yeah. Exactly. Seven times as much as everyone else. You're in your forties. No fucking wise. Yeah. You should have a baby. It's mad that you haven't. So they're like 18 months. You've actually been with us 10 years in fuck time. Yeah. It's like when you were divorced by November. That's the exciting thing. So when people leave love and it's

like, we've had like a four year relationship. It's been two weeks. Yeah. Well, cause they're in New York and they're shagging. Yeah. And they're fucking morons as well. So that adds to it. You're an intelligent guy.

Sometimes. I think there's a, there's a weird thing is. You're dead smart. Yeah. But I lack common sense. He's bug smart. Yeah. So like, no people, but people get those confused now cause people think I'm thick, but I lack common sense. No, no, no, he's book smart. He's not. He's not. But people get those confused now because people think I'm thick, but I actually

think I'm quite intelligent. But one time I went to school with two left feet on. I think I told you. Have any shoes? Two left shoes. See? No, I've seen him run. I think there could be two left feet.

Yeah, and I'm like. What did Danny Mac say at the 40? I can't remember. He hasn't got the motor skills. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got the motor skills. He went, I was disappointed. I thought you'd be better. And I was like, I was pleasantly surprised.

I got like two good Edders. Harry came off and went, that was my best game ever. Yeah, and you know what, they all, and Danny and like all the other comics, like, and I was like, fucking shit, these, no one's passing. I was just going, yeah, absolutely bollocks this. I was just like, I've just, I've done a job at right back, a couple Edders I love it. I put off and gone. That's one of my, that's a man of the match performance for me. And Danny might want, she tested for Parkinson. The generation isn't going to have so few kids compared to like yours. Cause

what generation are you? What? The one before the one before millennial. What are you? I'm a millennial. You're also a millennium. Yeah, we've discussed this and checked Yeah, good I'm an Elizabethan Is that we I mean ultimately every time we do this joke. It's just like You're the Tudor down at you. Methylate. Yeah, but I thought millennials were like people who watch Rugrats. Yeah Have you ever seen Rugrats? Can you name the three Powerpuff Girls? Because if you can't then you're not a millennial.

Oh Biff, Chip and Kipper. Can you name the three Powerpuff Girls? Erm, yeah. Go on. Muchia. Oh you're getting something to sugar babes again babe. Can you name Dexter's sister in Dexter's lab? Oh come on. No. Say you're not a millennial. I call Serec a DD in Dexter's lab? Oh, come on.

No. See, you're not Millennial. I call Serec a Dee Dee all the time. No, I'm not the same age as you. Oh no, that's a bit before our time, but I think we're- I have no idea. You know Millennial isn't your school year. You know that though, don't you?

That's the thing. Staying in our school year? He knows who Dee Dee is. Right. Can you sing the theme tune from Arthur, please? Oh, in the accent? Yeah. Arthur, please? Oh, in the accent? Arthur, King Arthur, he's a mythical king from back in the day.

Dan, it's sang by Paul Marley's son. Got a wonderful town in it. I do know it. And it's a little work to play, and get along with each other. You got to listen to your heart, listen to the street, listen to the rhythm, the rhythm of the street. Open up your eyes, open up your ears, get together and make things better by working together. It's a simple message and it comes from the heart. Oh believe in yourself, that's the place to start. And as say, hey, hey, we know the day.

We know it. I was watching the 1992 general election. So I am a millennial. We just had different, you know. You know the rat, the rat teacher's gay. That's how they did the big finale to that. The last ever episode of Arthur, they were like, the rat teacher was gay.

Yeah, they pulled back in reveal he was gay. It's like Dumbledore. And he got married. What was one that was on that I was too old? The Demon Headmaster, was that in yours? That was scary. I never watched that. That was ITV, I think.

I was BBC Boy. And what was Bernard's watch? That was good. He used to just stop time. Do you remember that woman, that woman... I asked for a Bernard's watch for Christmas once. My dad was like, it's not real I could I was like, yeah, you just push you don't know good watch dealer me

I'm watching on the telly What you what you were you born on? 1700 what I was saying of our Lord 1700 1981 what I was saying how snuck into the millennial. We have already done this on this podcast. It's great to do it. When does millennial start? 1981.

It's great to do it again, but I am a millennial. What's the one before that? Boomer? Before that's Boomer. Baby Boomer, yeah. Baby Boomer. I'm the, in fact, fuck your childhood cartoon references. Do you know the theme tune for Mr. Ben?

I used to watch Mr. Ben. I don't know the theme tune. The Rice Fella. What a wonderful kind of day. What I was saying was your generation has had so much more babies than, what are you, X? Z. I hate all these generation things. I'm saying the age difference,

like your age, you have kids in your 20s. The new one's altered, innit? Yeah, all of my mates have had kids. Apart from all of my mates that I'm best friends with, apart from all the ones who haven't. No, your generation isn't all your mates. Bondi no kids. He's got too much money.

Yeah, he is, and Mauritius. He can buy children. He doesn't need to make them. I'm not saying your mates, I'm saying the people who share your age around the world. Not just people you can make with. Oh, okay. So every time we do an example and you go, well you, you, Steve, I'm doing mine and they haven't got kids.

Sean hasn't got kids. Who's Sean? Man-bait. You've never mentioned Sean. Joycey. Sean Joyce. Joycey. Joycey. What's Sean Joyce! Joycey!

What's going on about Joycey? He was the one I'd fight with when I was 16. Punch me. Only persons who ever punched me. Apart from that little scumbag. Do you know for a fact he hasn't had kids? Well, I mean, that's a deeper question, isn't it? He's been doing some shagging, mate. But these aren't having kids. I know I'm not either. Yeah, they are. He's having them imminently.

He's having them before you. I mean, this generation, they're't having kids. I know I'm not either. Yeah, they are. He's having them imminently. He's having them before you. In this generation, they're not having kids. Not these literally. Because I've been here, you're generalising massively. That's what generations are. What? A general group of people. But in this example, you're like,

oh, he's not having kids. Look at him. He's not having kids right now. Am I in his generation? How do you know? How do you know he's not going to have kids? Literal stats of their generation. You've been checking the stats. What are we talking about?

Come on, everyone your age, Dan. The OG millennials, you've got five kids, at least nine I'd say. Since the start of this conversation, you've had another child. Most people in their 40s have got kids. Most people in their 20s now haven't. When you were in your 20s... What are you talking about? Because they're in the 20s. Give them 20 years. When you were in your 20s, people were having kids more than these people in their 20s. How is that that hard to understand?

What? I don't... How is that that hard to understand? Who was having kids? I don't know anyone. Roy Keane over here. Suck it up. I'm right. Baby. Fucking baby. What does the Google say? No one's having babies says we're an all time low for fertility hey yeah we had to be fair the liberal with sex anti-driving

like more gang bangs yeah you can't get paid for that. That's what my generation missed. Well, there's some of the love though. You missed it a lot, though. Yeah, they were fucking giant. That was the last gangbang generation. All the trade unions just fucking down on the docks. In my head, as soon as you mentioned the summer of love, I go to working class Liverpool and for sort of like, the docks always pop in my head. I know, I go to like, peace, man.

California. No, I know, I know you do, cause that's where it was happening. Yeah. But I love the idea of like, everywhere. What do you, I know you do, because that's where it was happening. But I love the idea of it everywhere. What do you mean? It wasn't just California, though, was it? You say this every time.

It was worldwide. It was worldwide fuckfest. The Beatles were the voices of the fuckfest. Just, you couldn't literally walk through fucking Bootle in the 60s without someone just like, free love, man. Fuckin' come here. Come here. We're going to make loads of babies. Are we? So you are in 40s, 50 years.

The Beatles were the voice of the sex. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone was fucking to the Beatles. Hmm. Yeah. Oh, Blackbird. Ringo, give us one of your drumsticks. I'm going to put it in this woman's pussy. And that is a lyric from Blackbird. Blackbird singing in the dead of night. Give me a drumstick and I'll put it in this woman's pussy. Let's go down for a massive gangbang. It's the summer of love. Take your coat and your boots off. Ringo, they're gonna get in the way of the gang bang. Shankly's Liverpool played a game. Come on, we'll win the league. Nah, nevermind. That was just fucking Chad Paisley came in and went, listen, lads got to stop fucking the

opposition. And that's why they did well in Europe. Just Google agree with what it was 69 wasn't a 67 67 in my 69 you want it to be there. So everyone just woke up on 67. That's four. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. So what was the summer of love then? It was a lot of hippies in California, San Francisco high and fucking in fields. What was there? No no one copied it. What? They were called the U-Kings. Yeah, they did. Yeah, they were fucking over it.

Again, we're doing the general, no one copied it because I'll tell you what about Bootle, it's been copying San Francisco for a long fucking time. The history of Bootle is tied to San Francisco. Marjorie, they're all fucking in San Francisco. Get your biff out. What are you sticking to me there? Stringo's drumstick.

Stop being frigid. You've got a footlocker now, Dan. They've got a footlocker. That's what they were doing in the Summer of Love. If it was just about, they're just 50 years behind America. Well, 60, whatever it is. What? How long ago was 67? 60. No, 58 years ago. There's

just 58 years behind. Who? Oh, it's just about to kick off. That's why Harry I'm kids immediately. So yeah, good question about the cinema. Just the stupidest bunch of cunts. Oh shit, it's been a while. It's been a while. I'm fucking reglaring right through this. Shout out Bootle, shout out Summer Love. What's happening? Confessions, confessions, confessions, confessions.

Send your confessions in to haveawordpod.gmail.com. Sign up to the Patreon when you get VIP treatment when it comes to the correspondence. Sam says, yes, Lids, got a confession for you. One of my mates went to Chernobyl. Years ago, he did the whole tour, saw some radioactive ladybirds and then decided to steal some rocks as souvenirs.

He gave me one of these rocks, which some of my other friends said was stupid because it could still be radioactive. I wasn't really arsed and over time that rock just got lost in my room. Around this time I constantly had mates around mine. I had a couch in my room so we got stoned and watched shit on TV together. One of my mates was a pretty permanent fixture on that couch. He'd come round after work most days and would regularly kit there on a Friday and Saturday night. In 2020 that friend found out they had testicular cancer, thankfully they caught it early and he's all good now, but he had to go through quite a bit of chemo and he lost his left nut. Eventually, I

didn't mean to laugh there, eventually I did a big tidy of my bedroom and found that the Chernobyl rock underneath the couch maybe a foot below where my mates bollocks had been for some time now this could be a complete coincidence I sat on that couch a lot and slept there as well and my balls are fine despite that I still feel partially responsible so I'm asking you lads if I'm forgiven or if I deserve some germane penance. You don't have chemo and cut your bollock off? Yeah. Don't they kill... I don't know, you're supposed to get rid of it.

Yeah, because maybe it's a bit in the other bollocks. Yeah, might just spread a little bit. Yeah, they operate on the tumors, don't they? I think the one thing they say to you is don't steal rocks from Chernobyl. Yeah. Oh. Have you seen the show Chernobyl? No, and it's rarely, rarely, rarely. And in the comments, someone goes, I cannot believe you've not watched it. Really? You'll be banging into it as well. Right. It's, it's British, even

though it's Ukrainian. Oh, is it one of them where they're not doing the only actors are British? Are they doing the exploded Oh no, it's exploded. All British. I just kind of want them to do the voice. No, it makes it... Joaquin Phoenix as Napoleon is one of the stupidest things I've ever seen. Why?

It's good shagga though. Just American Napoleon. What the fuck are we doing? Just do a voice. Makes it more believable. This, he might just keep... Some people get offended, don't they? Some people are like, he can't be do was Napoleon French pretty French

Most French man ever. Yeah, so from Corsica. Have I made that up? Yeah, but like some people would be like you can't do a French accent. It's offensive to the French So maybe I'm just trying to I mean I'm just like I am Napoleon I'm not working Phoenix today like people people would be like, that's it. He says that, yeah. It breaks the fourth wall instantly. I'd love it though. I think it would make it well better.

I prefer it, but all these French, Winge and Woke cons. Yeah, it's the French. Shut up, the French. God, that's the thing about this Chernobyl rock. It just reminds me how much I hate the French. Big jam eaters. Apart from that one, she's great. Can I ask you an actual question? This is obviously bad and you shouldn't have had a radioactive rock in your room killing all your mates.

It's mental. Do you hate any countries? Yeah, he hates Russia. No, Russia's one thing, right? But like, I mean, my question is linked to, you're such a fan of history. Like, is there any wars that have, like the French, have you got any stank on that?

Cause of like, they're all French and Europe in the past. Or like- So, the hundred years war, have I got any residual hatred for the French? Dating back to- Or like Germany? The Cossacks? 1340. Or Austria, like cause of World War II or whoever Henry the eighth was scrapping with. Austria does get a lot of

blame for World War II. He was Austrian, wasn't he? What? Hitler was Austrian. It wasn't Austria's fault. No, but they did make him. I met an Austrian fellow once that when he got drunk he cried to me that he felt that guilty that his bloodline was like Hitler. I'm not saying his name. I'm not saying his name. He's just countryman. There was a lot of guilt wasn't there after the war in Germany.

There's a brilliant film about it I can't remember. And they were like if you were alive during the Nazis and you didn't do something about it, you should kill yourself. Like, because there was so much guilt. Flip it. What countries do I hate? It's hard to ignore what's going on in the world now, do you know what I mean? Like, not to be too contentious, but Israel and the regime there, not looking great, is it? No. Absolutely despicable. And with Russia, it's not the people, although I think some of the culture's pretty backwards,

because there's loads of people in Russia that don't want Putin, and they're suffering through all of that as well. But yeah, it's really hard to look past Madagascar. All those lemurs. No, because I really think the film's- You got beef with China, aren't you? I think the film's got worse. No, because I really think the films. You got me for China, aren't you?

I think the films got worse. Yeah, you hate China as well. Just the regimes. Yeah, I don't mean the people. I don't know, also, you know, like. You don't really like Chinese scram though, do you? That's the propaganda that they're buying people. The thing with me.

I'm three or four good shumais away from being fine with China. Yeah, like I sort of turn a blind eye to everything going on in China, because I, you know, salt and pepper chicken. Buys you a certain amount of leeway with me. What? They're ethnically cleansing Muslims there, in Western China. Awful. Fucking hell, oh. Prawn toast. Forgive them. You've just got to have a good scran to get away with some stuff.

Yeah, exactly. Listen, when I get an Israeli takeaway that is so nice to forgive the genocide... Falafel. Falafel's good. It's not that good. It's not a Israeli. It's not genocide, good mate. That is a fact.

America and burgers, go for it. Also the problem with, you know, having beef with countries is we've got a pretty fucking ropey history with empire, haven't we? Yeah. Yeah. But like, I understand you having problems with the current going on in the world, but have you got any sort of residual, you know, when you meet a German, do you think Nazi straight away?

When you meet a Frenchman, do you think Napoleona straight away? Yeah. When do you think Argentine is that like for for funds like like what? We won that though. Yeah. Yeah. But like, and it's fine, isn't it? Imagine if there was Argentinians living on the Isle of Man and they were like, right, it's ours.

I wouldn't mind it. I wouldn't give a fuck. I think it's not by ours. I think as a country though, you could understand why we'd were like, nah, it's ours. I wouldn't mind it. I wouldn't give a fuck. I think it's not by ours. I think as a country, though, you could understand why we'd be like, hang on. Why is that yours again? Yeah, they were right. Tell me the last time any of our prime ministers

even gave a fuck about the Isle of Man. Not even looking at it. I have some Argentinians on there who gives a shit. I think Adam wants his delics. Yeah, some Argentinians on there who gives a shite Think I've been what's the aesthetics About Gibraltar Gibraltar always makes me laugh as well. Honestly as long as like people live on that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah It's just a big rock Danny Higginbotham played for them. Yeah, you know, I know that is we grow Thousands of people living there loads of monkeys as well. Whoa Well, there's thousands of people living there. Loads of monkeys as well.

Whoa. That's that one got bit by one. Any residuals with you? No. I don't give a fuck about history. Cossavans. Oh. What did they call them?

Not that I don't give a fuck. I find it interesting, but I just don't think it affects me. It's already happened. Leave it there. When I was reading about the Plantagenets and like Edward this box line for planet. It is a weird feeling when like the English king loses a battle. You're like, fuck, how am I emotionally invested in this? Just go off. Fuck them. Well, like Henry the fifth. Yeah, did that. What he did. read a fifth. There's no one before the eighth. And we gave was the first one. Yeah.

He just picked that number. It was his favorite number. He's just into we like Steven Gerard. He was like, yeah, Henry, you're king now. Yeah. I want to be Henry the eighth. So we'd reference. No one will get it. Benny me. Geeks. Um, I think I need a break primarily because our buses are there. I had some other good confessions. We'll do them another time. So sorry about your bollocks, mate. Do them with my guys.

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Japan. And then it goes how many days you want it for, how many gigs you want? He's going for about three. And you just pick. So I'm going for 30 days. Good God. So 30 days for 20 gig is $24. Wow, what's that in pounds? Like 18 quid? Less than 20 quid for 30 days worth of data, 20 gigs. And if somehow you go, I've used it and it's gone. You can just add, just top it up.

Like a little bolt on. Top it up. Also. Makes me want to go to Japan. I might come with you. If you've got issues and you're like, what's going on here? 24 seven live chat. You can have it there and then.

Wow. Any issues or related to Saley? It's always going to be related to Saley. I can't be like, what's going on with me and my dad? No, cause they'd be like, we don't know. Sorry, Dan, please stop wasting our time. Right, okay. So Saley, have a great time,

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Visit go.acast.com slash advertise to get started. dot a cast dot com slash advertise to get started. Oh, he's here. The young white hope. It's my right. The young white hope. That's right. I just wanted to differentiate between all our other guests.

Yeah. But you know what I love about the, what makes sense that cause I was, and we won't go into that straight away, but I was in Africa a few months ago and I was one of the only whites. I was there with my brothers, but like we were properly the only whites. I felt nice like, you know what I mean? It felt nice. Yeah. To be like a special white. Why? Cause it's like we're spent. Do you know what I mean? Here, I feel nothing. You're all just fucking rotten out white people, but you're over there and you're just like fucking King white cause a lot of people, I like how you went straight to King. You're like, I'm here. I'm obviously in charge. Yeah. Well that's the feeling you get. Unfortunately

over there. You're like, it's okay. I've arrived. You over there sweep this. I found that interesting because often when people in the minority in a large group, they feel like, Oh, they want to be the same, but you're happy being different. Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Well it's over there, but it's, you know, it was, um, it's in bad way. Like, so, you know, you used to run it like, do you know what I mean? You and the Rose. Hell of a night that. I don't remember that. What? Was that Mugabe?

That's a, that's big Mugabe, but there's a new fella in there now. One of Mugabe's henchmen, the crocodile. And he's a, he's a... He's got a wrestler name. Well that's his, that's his nickname, like the croc, because he used to be part of a crocodile gang back in like the sixties and seventies that go around. What's a crocodile gang? Is that like a motorbike gang?

But they ride crocodiles. That's exactly right. I tell you, you're hung over, but the brain is working perfectly. They would ride around on crocodiles, killing white people. They had learned to tame a crocodile and would ride it like it was a grand national. I respect it. What's this game then? What are you doing? Well so he's called the Crocodile because these crocodile gangs were groups of kind of like militias of local, I guess, Zimbabweans that used to go around killing white farmers and the whites back in the day. But so that's why he's known as the Croc. But so he's the head there now.

But you know, that'd be a bad man. Is he bad? Yeah, he wouldn't be good now. But there'd be a picture of him everywhere you go. Like it's very Kim Jong Unish. Oh, they love that. Don't they? They love that. And I'll picture the croc with a little smarmy smile on him. Like even me saying this, as I'm saying it right now, I'm like, this could, you know, put my my auntie in danger. What happens to fucking Bobby? What happens to Bobby Mugabe? Who Bobby Bobby just died. He kicked the bucket. He's gone. That's what the croc wants you to think, mate. Yeah, that is the croc. There's teeth marks all over that death. Yeah, that's right. That's big croc propaganda. But so I was over there with

my brothers, with my two brothers visiting my aunt Kathleen, who's a nun. So your aunt Kathleen is a Zimbabwean nun? She's not Zimbabwean, she's an Irish woman, but she's 81 years of age and she works as a nun. She's been there for like 30 years and she's always been like, hey, come over, visit me and stuff. And we're like, she's still got the Irish accent. So does she got us in Babylon? No, she has an American accent because she at the age of like 15, she was plucked from rural Ireland and sent over to New York to become a nun. So back in the day, they used to make nuns in Ireland, nuns and priests, and now they make nuns and priests in Africa. You see they've outsourced the production.

Like Guinness? Yeah, basically. That is what they've done. You can taste the difference though. You can taste the difference. Brother! That's a dirty thing to say, but that's a filthy rotten comment Nightingale. But Annie's slagging me off for my shorts on the page and that got back to me. People sent me that clip. What did you say about his shorts?

Yeah. Yeah. He tricked me into wearing shorts on stage. Just to go to the allotment or the ice cream van. Yeah. I looked, I looked, I looked a fucking clown. I was humiliated. Nightingale humiliated me. I wouldn't mind. such risks today. No, 23 degrees. Where's me? Gee. Yeah. Cover from top to toe. I shall not be fooled again. I tell you that. Well, dang, got onto me. I was like, Oh, we're, we're having this gig. He's like, Oh mate. He's like, it's just so hot. It's just, I'm just going to wear shorts, gonna wear shorts. And in my head, I was like, you can't wear shorts on stage. You look like an absolute fanny. You know what I mean? There's no way. And he's like, no, and that's exactly what I thought when I looked at myself in the mirror of a premier in wearing

shorts. Yeah. But I didn't communicate that to them. You know, I said to myself, I said, Dan's a brother, a friend. I don't want Dan to feel alone as a shorted man up there and that he has no support. Solidarity. I look like a complete fucking tool as well. And I'll wear my shorts, arrive at the gig, Dan's on stage, couldn't be more panted. The most panted man I'd ever seen. And now all I have is shorts, completely undermined. It's a very warm gig though. So who won? I mean, you looked a prick, but you could have, you know, you sweat loads anyway. I also do. I'm a slowly man. It's a very warm gig though, so who won? I mean, you looked a prick, but you could have, you know, you sweat loads anyway. I also do. I'm a smelly man.

It's odd day. I think if you were like full fucking clothes on an odd day and you're up there sweating away like a bellend, the Lee Evans look. Yeah. I think you look like a prick. I think if you're standing up in shorts and you're like, do you know what? Fuck the lorryers. I don't care that you're only nice out this month. I'm comfortable.

You can suck me dick, Brian. Sorry, you've only got one night away from the ballorryers. I don't care that you're only nice out this month. I'm comfortable. You can suck me dick, Brian. Sorry, you've only got one night away from the ball and chain. I had a ball. If there'd been an ice cream van go past, we'd have stopped that gig. We'd have stopped the gig. And all gone and got an ice cream.

That was that ridiculous. And it would have been so sick. But see, yeah, Adam, you'd pull it off, don't you? Cause you believe in yourself. So you could go up, you could go up in a tongue and be like, everyone fuck off. The fucking material, sick fucker. You know what I mean? Have you still got ice cream vans?

Huh? I don't hear them as much anymore. Yeah, you still have. Oh yeah, yeah. Are they still as common as when we were kids? I'm about two grand down on ours. You don't get to where you are. Right.

One came recently and that's what made me notice. I was like, oh, hang on, I haven't fucking... There is an ice cream shop at the end of your road though, isn't it? Yeah. So you could just go and get better quality ice cream than you know, but the vans sick and you get cola bottles and yeah. You want a sweet shop? No, the ice cream. You could get a better ice cream, but on a hot day, there is nothing better than a Mr. Whippy. Just to see the excitement. The ones that one that comes to our, does he comment regularly? Oh yeah. All the time. Doesn't take cards. Fair play. It's a total tax dodge. Good on him. But Carl, what happened was, and the ice cream vans are unbelievable and what a beautiful treat they are. The whole

kind of pedo mania of the last 20 years has kind of, I think, talked a lot of people out being, out being ice cream van drivers. Cause we kind of associate that little dee dee do do do. Yeah, because that's a van that kids chase. Yeah, it's a little kind of making call for pedos. As long as they're not getting out of the van, what can they do? That's where you want a pedophile. Probably headkilling the ice cream.

Behind a... You want some slack parenting if you're like, God, you know what, that 99 is really not the kid out. And all the kids in the kip on the pavement and he can just scoop them up and drive off into the sunset. I'm saying that's what I'd do. That's what you do. I've never heard of a pedophile ice cream, man.

I think honestly, it's my least worrying pedophile. But it's someone with a van, the dicks behind the shelf, that's all good. But it's basically you're in a van with sweets looking for children, aren't you? That's it. You get them to come to you. At the end of the you? That's what's happening. That's end of story.

I'm looking for local kids with a van full of sweets, playing music, playing, playing enticing, let's be honest, creepy fucking tunes. Yeah. Green sleeves meet like the pipe piper to get them to follow around. It's, it's not a good look. Is it? Do you mean I suppose not yeah be sick of a month no the ice cream man where I grew up like ice cream was like his sort of cover for the rest of it's all trackies he did sell coke as well oh yeah little Charlie he

sold DVDs 47 fake Prada tracksuits, zooms. How'd you ask for Charles off an ice cream man? What'd you ask for? There's a bit of coke there fella. Oh, that's great. I got a coke. You're not a paedophile are you? No, I didn't think so either. Can I have loads of drugs?

I got a Prada tracksuit off my ice cream man. Yeah. Real. Really stolen. Yeah. Genuinely robbed. No, he sold fucking everything, yeah, real really stolen. Yeah genuinely robbed No, he sold fucking everything. Yeah, I stream as well, but that's the cover any you can't just write You can't just drive around with cocaine and on a van. I've had you could you know Do you know what these days? Play Fleetwood. Sometimes it happened when it's rain. Oh, you'd be buzzing. Wouldn't you fucking hell four o'clock on a Saturday. You hear Fleetwood. Mac you're like, but he

didn't, you know, he just sold lemonade. Actually, the lemon man also sold drugs. Everyone sold drugs. You were the lemonade man. Mate, the lemon man. I worked for him, didn't I? I think this is pre-fin. Don't you know the lemon man? Green ice cream soda in the glass bottles. One liter bottles.

Danny Lanham-Berdoch, green cream soda, iron brew, lemonade, cherry aid, pineapple aid, which is an underrated one. All the aids. Sold aids. All the aids! It was Magic Johnson, and it came in glass bottles, and then you gave it back the next week and he boxed you a new one up. Class. I used to work with him. Nice. Yeah.

With who? Magic Johnson? The lemonade fella. And then we went to Skam. He used to play for the Lakers. One of the days we went to Skam and I was a shy kid and there was a girl. I say I was a shy kid. I mean, I was 16. You were a little bollocks is what you were. Yeah. And he tried to get me to fuck one of the local women, but I was too shy. He tried to coax you. I think I was 13. Corks into shagging a woman. Oh. What did he do? Pedophilic adjacent. I was literally getting sex trafficked. It's funny woman. Oh, what did he do? Pedophilic adjacent. I was literally getting sex traffic. It's funny. Yeah. But what, what did you say? I was like, Oh yeah, I'll give that a go. And then I just didn't have any

game. I was like, Hey, do you want to get your pussy out? No, no, no. Okay. Did he sell poppers? Cause that would have been a nice game of Connor McGregor. That's what that sounds like. Hang on. Hang on, Mike. You won't be able to hear this, but this is Alfie Brown going smooth. Yeah. That's it. Smooth. I'm talking about Connor McGregor's cock. He saw, he saw a picture of his flute there. We were, we were chatting about it. Uh, it was the first time I saw his flute there and I've been kind of, I've been anti McGregor there now for a while, but I saw it and I said, you know, he should be president of Ireland. I saw his flute and

I said, here's our commander in chief. Here's the man who should deal with the water charges, the potholes and the big decisions of Ireland is the man. Fill them in. It's a big old cocktail. Yeah. Is it a weapon? No. Carl won't send me the picture. I'm fucking holding it back. Do you think that Carl is the gatekeeper for McGregor's everywhere? I'll send you a right this text. The failure bank. She's got it. That's who that's who leaked it. Yeah. But now it's been, I mean, I've got a screenshot. Obviously it's been scrubbed from the internet. He must have paid a lot of money to some tech heads. It's on

my fucking blue. It's local, but you can't sit. Yeah. I just sent you an on WhatsApp there. Which you're like sending it to her. Now. Sure. Your ones is mad. I was buying spiders weightlifting as any banks. Yeah. Do you mean of spiders. He's weightlifting with you today. As Elliot Banks, do you know what I mean? He's tied a weight to a pig. Yeah, that's the weirdest bit is the weightlifting. It's also, he sent it on his birthday, right?

So I think, which is a great birthday present from himself to himself. So I suppose he had a deal with the wife. It's like, it is my birthday. I should be allowed to send 100 dick pics to pop stars around the world or whatever. So anyway, do you know what he over announces all his words when he's, anyway, he's an absolute goose, but he is one of the biggest goose's of life. But so he's, he's

shooting around, but he has this big, he has a fucking mad old fucking, it's like a formula, the end of a formula one track, big old bend in the kioke. Hamilton had find it hard to drive around a fucking kioke. He has some fucking carbonate. Women like that though, don't they? Women like a curve. Yeah. You get it in different parts of the pussy. Yeah, but that's a bent, don't you want the one that bends up? Yeah, but I don't think-

You want it with a bow for the curly wally mate, you want it up down, so that's a side. And just a pig's tail of a dick. And a roller coaster of a kioke. Yeah. Yeah, but I don't think you want a bit of both with a curly whirly mate. You want it up down. Just a pig's tail of a dick. Rollercoaster of a kioque. Yeah. Yeah. Crazy mouse of a kioque. Is your willy straight? Yeah. Yeah. It's straight. Mine does a little, mine does a little go to the left. Mine does a little fucking little dive at the end, a little fucking, yeah, takes a little fucking, you know, Christiano at can go and suck your palm. Yeah. The little sad beluga at the end takes a dive. It does. It's killing itself at the end. It's like, I'm gonna jump over this cliff. It's the way he did it never went. Not bad. And then just got on with it. And he's running for the presidency of a country. Well, yeah. So

what's mad, I don't know. If if you've seen his interview with Tucker Carlson, Jan, you see that? So he does an interview about like becoming president of Ireland. And so this man is, you know, he's as mad as a March Hare. It's truly out of his mind. Like he's the horniest man that's ever lived. One of the horniest men. If you stuck a knife in his head, like his head has swollen with cum, because there's not enough

room in the balls. Have you seen how big his head's got? If you look at an older version of McGregor, remember when he was chiseled, he was obsessed with fighting, he was quoting philosophy, he was crawling around on the ground, he's like, I am an animal of movement, 50 grand, Dana, and he was crawling around. Yeah, it's like a little traveler, Muhammad Ali. It was amazing to watch. He lassoed the moon and pulled it down for himself with charisma, work ethic, discipline, movement, fucking charm, the talk was there a star good-looking Unbelievable captured the imagination world. Maybe the most famous Irish man to ever live Unbelievable, he predicted the fights before he did him. This is what I'm gonna do to you, right?

You will overextend the right I will catch you at the left. You will have no defense Jose Aldo hasn't been beaten in nine years. Good night. Crazy, right? But he had this connection with the universe. All he cared about was fighting. Once that hundred million came in from Mayweather, fucking scrambled eggs. Done. Just done. Starts boozing, says to me, if you're boozing and doing coke, you don't know where the universe is. The connection is gone. You can't channel the force of the world if you're off your fucking tits with Sandra from fucking crumbling. Do I mean can't do it. He's unplugged. A Lamborghini yacht will affect your relationship with the moon. Is that what you're saying? I think you and the moon are gonna see each other

maybe twice a year if you've got a yacht. Maybe twice a year, you're gonna have a quiche. Well, if you believe in the idea of the Lord of attraction, which is what he claims he used and being fully in line with the cosmos and we are all one, you are me and I am you. And I can make you overextend with the right cause I'm controlling, cause you're actually me. So you'll do that and bang, you one, you are me and I am you and I can make you overextend with the right because I'm controlling because you're actually me so you'll do that and

you're fucking like that. That is if you believe in it. Yeah, good cocaine. If you're an inch off that, then you're not controlling the fucking universe, controlling you. And that's what's happened because he's on the private path, which is essentially fucking it's not any blends bells whiskey with a bit of fucking vanilla. I bet he's a fucking nightmare at six a.m. where everyone's been getting in the kitchen doing bombs doing but I fucking tell you another thing. Of course. Remember the clip of him with fucking Cristiano when they're at that, they're at this gig

in Dubai. Cristiano who still is in fucking cahoots with the moon and he's in full fucking, you know, I do not put anything in my body that does not aid me. He's completely just most focused man alive. And McGregor, who's a former version of that, but now like a Shakespearean fucking tale has indulged in every vice known to man, women, drugs, violence, everything you could think of, money. It's fucking crazy. It's like you couldn't write McGregor like the rise and fall. It's just tales all the time. He comes in just beside Ronaldo.

Have you seen him selling the fight suit? Cause he owns BKFC now doesn't he? The bare knuckle yoke. Have you seen him selling the fights though? He's like, he's a good at it. Because he's a big coked up maniac. Whereas Dana's like, yeah, we made loads of money today, he's good at it. But as he's like, yeah, kill each other. He's good at that.

Yeah. No, no, he's good at being an insane person, Karen. Yeah, yeah. But like, fair enough, the fighters are. Yeah. No, he is good at that. And to be fair, I don't think anyone has ever put more effort into selling an old pint than McGregor amount to point. He neck and this is why he was being a world class athlete. He was also moonlighting as a booze baron. It was fucking crazy. It was insane. He was like someone from the prohibition era

in America. Do you know just traveling around. I've got hooch for you guys. It was fucking I've got some hooch in my truck. Look I'll drink it in front of you. I love that there's like old when he first started breaking to him and like Guinness had gone to him when you come down and do some PR stuff at the Guinness factory and he's there and he's like old, when he first started breaking to him, and like Guinness had gone to him, when you come down and do some PR stuff at the Guinness factory and he's there and he's like, the fucking greatest drink from the greatest country on the planet, buy Guinness drink, it'll make you happy.

And then as soon as he's bought a fucking brewery, that's got stouties like, fuck Guinness, won't touch the shit mate. I'm gonna hear it. He goes, it is overrated. It is. It has a bad taste. They have sold us a lie, a lie to the Irish people. But forged out this will create heaven in your mind. Like the things he said he is, you got to give it to him. Is it nice? No, it doesn't taste right. Fucking like granny took a shit in your glass. Just fucking elderly diarrhea. Yeah, that's my favourite drink. That's my favourite scene.

We just caught you a picture of you. What a point. Come on now. Relax, Sheila. Relax. Has she had any proper 12? He's not involved in proper 12 no more is he? What? Well, that was the one that for ages he had out. They kicked him out after the, you know, all right. Okay. Conviction. So it's all forge. He's all forged. Yeah. Yeah. He's fully forged. But 12 is horrendous. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking bad whiskey. It's bad whiskey with caramel. And that's what it is. Nice little touch. Yeah. You're going to be getting called inbred and retired online now. That's a fact. Well, that'll be new. So where's Azilia Banks coming to this?

Well, I mean, she's whipping out songs in 2011 and all of a sudden he's like, God, I love the 212. Well, I'm going to get my bendy wango with him. Was that here? Yeah, I wasn't a 2 It'll be good for you. Yeah. Is that what that lyric is? The cunt's getting eaten.

I guess that cunt's getting eaten. Here we go. I see you manning with your bendy Irish dick. Yeah. Speaking of Shakespeare, I guess that cunt's getting eaten was... And he's gone. I'm going to send that to the picture to Rosalia banks today. He's done his Tom bowler. He's going to send it to. Yeah. Yeah. God knows how many other people he sent it

to just keep quiet about it. Cause she's not the only one ever. Does she know? No, but she's a bad one. Send it to you. Just went fuck you. You know, Kenny bad knocks getting one like there's People in high places are getting sent to McGregor flute, but sure at the same time. Can you imagine chemibadnock being in like a fucking like a meeting and she's just, she's like. And then she just picks it up again. But he sends it and threatens her. That's the best part. When he just, he sends a picture of his cock and then he sends another one with a weight on it just in case she thought it was a weak cock.

And then just in case she didn't think his cock could compete in Mr. Universe, he puts another one underneath and then he just, his first message instead of being like, Hey baby, look at my hot juicy cock. He just says, don't be a rat. He says, don't be a rat. It says don't be a rat. Rats get cold. Yeah. Mad. I just, it's the fact it's like a full body picture. Like you can see his toes on his very top hair. Like everything's in the fucking picture. Yeah. It's just how, how off your mind on drugs or ale or whatever have you got to be to be like, you know what,

full body dick pic. To a famous person who could just leak it and she did? Awful cunt. It's amazing. But like he is, because you saw he hit the lad a slap and I beat her. You might have saw that. It's funny because he's just, you know, just knocking the lad out. He's gone off the rails.

I mean, what's going to happen next to him? Who knows? Cause he's just, he is on the highway to hell that fucker. But so he knocks this fucker out for God knows what reason. And then he claims cause he's running for president. My president. You know our little president right now, do you? Little gnome forest creature. He lives in a house in the forest. He's always got his dog with him. He's got a dog with him. He's just, he does be writing poetry. He's 134 years old. 134 years old, writes poetry, reads it to squirrels up trees, kind of travels around. He is like, yes, an offensive stereotype of what you might think Irish people are. Like Oh, we got to be good. You know what I mean? He does live in the park, doesn't he? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He lives in the park with woodland creatures and I'm seeing his house and that's his job. McGregor once. And if you say by

Jesus three times, he'll appear. You know, like I want to live in the park. So here's the thing. Here's the great thing about McGregor. McGregor doesn't really understand what the President of Ireland is, because the President of Ireland is not the Prime Minister. It's not the Taoiseach. It's an ambassadorial role. So what McGregor thinks is going to happen, he's going to become President and it's going to be like Braveheart and he's going to be on the top of the hill. He's like, come on, we will take the English we will invade. You will follow me. And everyone sucks them off half the country blowing them half the country giving them a rim job. And there's blood everywhere. Fantastic. That's what he thinks is going to happen. What the president actually does is judge

poetry competitions in Kerry. They'll be, they'll be opening a dress shop in county Claire. Like given like doing the thing with his cock. He'll be opening the shop. He'll be cutting the ribbon with his little bendy. That makes me hope he wins. Yeah. Give him a busy, but we can't be letting him near the ports of the country. Like we can't be letting him near an Irish dancing competition in Tyrone. You can't have that man. Anyway, he needs to just be put on the fucking Isle of Man and be let have to run to the place and get him away from everyone. You know, but even like so when he was

on to he was on to Tucker Carlson in the interview. And this is one of my favorite things I've ever heard. So like and Tucker's like talking to McGregor as if he's Christopher Hitchens, like as if this is one of the great intellects of our time. He hangs on his every word. So Tucker's like, okay, wow, the mainstream media aren't telling us that, but you're telling us. And McGregor is like, yes, there is a massive problem with the traffic police here in Ireland.

They are giving people tickets when they go over the traffic police here in Ireland, they are giving people tickets when they go over the traffic limit and this is causing a lot of stress to the people. And we're like, what? Yeah. Cause you go over the limit. You have to get, otherwise people will die on the road. I swear to God, he goes, this is a huge issue among the people of our country. They are terrorizing the people. And now before this interview you got caught speeding. I swear to God, I Googled it. He had been put off the road 18 months before. And one of his main issues is the traffic police are stopping people from speeding and you might

have had one or two drinks and they will stop you and they will try to take you out of the car. Your Conor McGregor is going more and more East European. They will take you. They will take you. One speeding ticket. Two speeding tickets. Yeah, Conor McGregor should not be on the wheel of a car. Yeah. So his big thing

is that the traffic police are, are, are like a band, like the crocodile gangs of Zimbabwe terrorizing Ireland. Yeah. He's a complete fucking lunatic. Absolutely. He's a crazy white. How are you doing? I'm good, brother. I'm seeing a hypnotherapist at the minute called Moki. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. He's for my head. Okay. Yeah. For my old rotten head. So he's, he's, uh, he's getting inside there brother. He's fucking, you know, ironing out the crinkles. Can you go, can you go under? Oh brother, I can go deep into the crusts of the earth. Well, sure, he's saying he's that's what he's doing, but he he'd be chatting to you there and he'd be tell what was good. Now is what he's told me. He's explained to me something now and Adam, this will probably apply to you now. He'd be he's

telling me that I'm kind of operating a lot from my ape brain. Yeah. Have you ever heard of this now? No, but I immediately identify with it because you'd be like me a bit, you know, to me to be a bit of that going on. So it's your amygdala, which is in your brain. There was a smirk from night and gale there of agreement, but he didn't want to laugh too out loud because he felt it might offend you. But I saw it night and gala. I saw you holding it in and that's all right. There's nothing wrong with being an ape. That's where we come from, brothers.

But so it's the amygdala. Do you know, have you heard of this show? So it's so it's basically the part of your brain that's like fight or flight. You know what I mean? So like it's it's what produces cortisol, which is anxiety. It's back from when we were back in in the fields roaming around in tribes and then you're just afraid a lion is going to kill you. But lion's not going to kill you. It's just that it's still that girl Kate at work answered you back in a bit of a passive aggressive

way and now you think a lion is going to kill you, you know, cause like social interactions back in the day, you needed to be friends with people in a tribe or you die. You need to be part of this tribe. So you get ostracized or people don't like you or say your breath smells bad or your stories are shite. You get kicked out of the tribe. Next thing there's a hyena eating your asshole. So that's why we get a touchy tribe, touchy tribe. Like your jokes are high. It's your ass. It was fucking doggy dog back then. So basically now that's why if we like think, oh, I said

something, someone doesn't like me and you feel that you shouldn't give a shit. Who cares? You're safe. Go have a McDonald's. Life is good. Have a wank. Watch fucking 90 Day Fiancé. You know what I mean? The world's your oyster, but we feel like fucking dog shit because we think in our mind, I'm going to die now and a fucking hawk is going to peck me eyes out because I'm after telling a shite story. You know what I mean? So what do you do with that information? Huh? Just tell better stories. I can't work on my stories. No, but it just, it kind of. Yeah. Talk us through a session. So you come in, you sit on his couch, he gets the pendulum. I'm in the shed. It's smoky shed

down in East London and he's, we, we like to go barefoot cause he's like, it's important to, to feel the ground. And he's got new carpets. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How does he put you under that? What does he do? Huh? Well, what he does first is he like, he'll tell me like, uh, he kind of gets me loosened up, but just full. No, no, no, no, no. He, what he does is he kind of gets me feeling it relaxing in a positive way. So he might say to me now, I might say to you, like, what, what would you say, Carl, you're feeling right now in one to 10 in terms of like happiness, contentment, feeling good. Eight. You're an eight right now. That's pretty good. Right now. Did you know that? Did you

know that? That's pretty sick. And he felt that Adam, what you? Sex. Yeah, I was thinking four, but six. All right. Why? Because your man's elsewhere. There's got a lot going on. The A-Brain brother, you can't be above a seven in the A-Brain. There's just no way. We're constantly on edge. Everyone's black or white. You're either a friend who's going to help me fucking collect knots, right? Collect twigs for the fire or you're a fucking dirty rotten hawk who wants to pick my cock off. Right? So if no, so you've done right now, but am I right now? I mean, I really

need a nap and a wank and then I'm nine and a half. What are you right now? Seven. I'm here. I'm not hungry. We're with one of the best comics we know. This is me in a... It's not bad. It's not bad. Six, seven. Six, seven. Right. But that's Finn. This is the best day of his year. And that's Topper Finn. I just really need a shit.

That's right. Because you're a little sad man like myself and that's all right. The world needs sad men. If everyone's happy, you'd be boring, wouldn't it? Now, what? You wouldn't have music. It would be shite. It'd be the Truman Show. Just hello. So anyway, so now imagine what it's like to be 10. Do you know what it's like to be 10? When you're feeling the best you can possibly feel. Yeah. If you have, if you have, Adam Adams getting sucked off. No he's playing

basketball. Adams dribbling. Adams trutting trees over there. Right. So if you're feeling the best you could possibly feel, right, that's a 10. That's your top, whatever, the best you can possibly feel. Can you get yourself to a place where you feel that right now? Can you imagine what that is to feel that? Yeah. Yeah. I can. No, I can think of the things that would make me feel like I can. I mean if Moki could just cure all depression here, right? What you're not doing there is just pretend you like feel like a 10. There you go. I'll get off the search. But you get yourself in that mindset and you give yourself the endorphins of what you'd

feel if you were not a 10. Now, you're trying to think like a Malky now. Your brain can't differentiate between what you think and what is reality. So if you think, you actually have to believe yourself, but if you can think it, it is happening. That's right. Right. That's right. My. That's right. My thing there was getting sucked off

at a Luke Combs concert. Yeah. If I thought about that for long enough. You've never done that though. If I thought for a, if I sat here, I'd have to close my eyes, cause obviously, use it all here if it opened my eyes. But if I closed my eyes and just was like,

I'm getting sucked off at a Luke Combs concert. Yeah. Then eventually I would actually be as happy as if I was getting sucked off at a Luke Combs concert. And in this fantasy, where are the other 80,000 people? You're getting sucked off and everyone's like, that's Adam Rowe getting sucked off. Matt, you're like, yeah.

In his dream, they can't see him. You're a disciple of Moki. Moki would love what you just said and he'd think you're a bit off. But so- He wouldn't be wrong. Well, you have to think, remember the movie, Huck? Do you remember when they're all sitting around the table and said, you got to believe Peter.

That's what you done. You're Peter. You got to believe that you believe that. Can I be Rufio? Huh? Can I be Rufio? You can be Rufio if you want. Then it's starting to get more like a 10. Right. Rufio is hot enough. Wasn't he? I've never seen hook. Isn't that mad? I'm sorry. You've never seen hookuck? Don't look at me like that. Oh brother. I've had it's a good film. It is lad. You've never seen Huck?

Yeah. I'm just copying his absolutely. You've not seen it? You've yelled at me. Oh come on. How have you missed Huck? I was too busy getting sucked off a concert. I was watching ITV every weekend.

I don't watch ITV every weekend? No, 15 years ago. I was watching 14 Old Virgin. A national treasure 87 times. What about Huck? I was watching TV every weekend. I was watching TV every weekend. I was watching TV every weekend. I was watching TV every weekend. I was watching TV every weekend. I was watching TV every I don't watch ITV every weekend. No, 15 years ago.

I was watching 14 Old Virgin. And National Treasure, 87 times. What about National Treasure one and two? I'd rather watch both of them again than watch Huck for the first time. Right, well, so what he does basically is he gets me to think I'm 10. So like for you getting fucking rimmed at a Luke,

Luke Holmes, well, he asked me like, if I was feeling 10, what would I do? So he's just like, if I felt like on top of the world, what would be my action to do? Kill yourself because then you never feel sad again. That's not what I said. But that's not bad logical. If you've ever seen the movie Uncut Gems, at the end of the movie, Adam Sandler's character finally wins. He's a gambling addict. And he just wins and he's like, fucking yes. And someone blows his head off and it's like, Oh perfect. He died in ecstasy. Yeah.

Unbelievable. So that's ruin. What you need to do is if you need, you put a bet on and you tell someone, right, if I win this, but don't let me know you're around. If I win on the moment to winning, fucking clock me and you're fucking, you've got to win. But you don't want the better win and the XTC is the bet losing. That's that's where you're the best. So then when the bet loses, kill me, kill me no matter what. Are you going to kill yourself? I'm a little worried. No, no, no, no, no. I'm staying. I don't know if Moki's doing you

all that good. No, I put a bet on and then no, no. Well. I'm staying. I don't know if Moki's doing you all that good. No, I put a bed on and then Well, I'm saying is Moki gets me into this site. So if I was like really like in my happiest I'd say I I'm a man of action. I go out and do things. So I mean, I'm just I buy a new tennis racket or Jumping it's like your 10, huh? Yeah. Yeah, but it was when I chanted Moki. I was like, so I want to get it I've just started and I'm liking it. So I'm like, I buy a class tennis racket because I'd be like, whatever, fuck it. I like that as well. I like buying the new thing. You just go out and do stuff, buy stuff, be in the world. Don't be afraid fucking charge forward. That's when I feel good. That's what I do. But most of the time. About a year ago, my cousin asked me to play paddle with him. Yeah. So I was like, well, I'll buy a paddle bracket.

And he's like, you don't have to fucking do that. They provide them at the place. There's like, you can use them there. Yeah. And I was like, fucking shut up. I'm getting a fucking paddle bracket. And then I forgot it and had to use one of the house ones. And then he never used the one he bought after the game.

Have you paddled since? No. But how good was the feeling of buying it? But I am planning on... You've got to have three mates to live with and they're all gonna be available at the same time, it's a two versus two game. Is it a one-on-one paddle? No, it's so hard one-on-one.

Oh really? It's essentially impossible. Right. Could you use it for sexy spanking the paddle? If you wanted to. Like a waffly. You could do whatever you want with it, Dan, and this is where you get,

there's my ten. You just gotta believe, brother. Leathering or it to believe brother. But so with Adam's unused paddle, what, what basically Mokie does this for is to get you just in a susceptible mindset where you're open to shit and you're feeling fucking good. You're getting rimmed by a country Western star. Yeah. Ties into what we do here and have a word. Yeah. What's your perfect Sunday? My perfect. Cause that is that your, that's a 10 for most people here. What would be my perfect Sunday? Yeah. Like how you get into self to a 10 on a Sunday. Well, he's got to go to decathlon for new tennis records. Just to be clear, Carl hasn't just

lost his mind there. We've been doing this as a regular feature, right? Like from the moment you wake up on a Sunday, first of all, we want to know what time that is and take us through your full day up until going to bed. You can do anything that's feasible. You can't go to mid-inches. But just to let you know, Danny Mac's perfect Sunday lasted nearly 24 hours in the retailing. In where? Oh, he spent a little while. He went through it meticulously. Right.

But like what time do you wake up? Where do you go? Who are you with? What are you doing? What are you eating? Right. So I'm getting up, I'm getting up about half nine and I'm getting up about half nine. I'm not hung over on a perfect Sunday. I go down to Rua, which is the little coffee shop down the road from me, run by an Irish lady, lovely girl. I know people in there. They act like they like me. It's great. I get a feeling of community already. Sometimes I get free coffee because I shout them out on podcasts. And I go down there, get my little coffee. I get back. I get back to the, to me house. I sit down for a while. Think of I'd come up with some great ideas, right? Two great bits that are gonna change my career forever.

I'm like, oh, this is sick. God, I'm good, I'm very clever. Nice, celebrate, re-wank after that. What time is it? Huh? What time is it now? Oh, time has been, time has faded, brother. Time, ah!

Can I just pause your Sunday? You're having a wank, you're not having sex? Huh? In the perfect Sunday, You're not having sex? Huh? In the perfect Sunday, you're sorting yourself out. It's my perfect Sunday. She ain't getting shit. This is my time. Have you got a girlfriend at the moment? No.

Alright, so that was a sort of the royal she. I'm very alone. No, if I had a girlfriend, I think I'd call her up and I'd be like, I'm sick. And I'd put down the phone'd be like, I'm sick. And I'd put down the phone and be like, I'm going to have my perfect Sunday with the guys. And then what I do in the afternoon is I'd go, I'd play tennis with my brother, Johnny, and I'd beat him really, really well. Yeah. Like I fucking hammer him.

And then he's kind of a little depressed after because I've beaten him so well. And like the, you know, uh, and, but then I say, I say, lad, don't worry. I'll get us some fucking food now because he doesn't have much money. I pay for us to go food and nice. And what are you eating? This is Johnny's perfect Sundays. But no, but I'll, I'll feel good for the arm around John. Like I'm a fucking good big brother. I'm taking care of you. Yeah. Ready? Johnny, who's your daddy? Who's about? No, no, no, no, no. No, Johnny. Johnny's my little brother was an actor who's living in London. He's a, he's a good little lad. Uh, and I'd be like there like that. And I'd be like, who's your favorite big brother? He'd be like, you are my,

you're the best big brother there is. And you're great at tennis and nasty characters. I'm the best specials I've seen in a long time. And that's why he'd say to me and I'd just rustle his hair. And then we go down to this place, Hercules, which is down on the fucking Holloway Road, get a full roast, right? The woman behind the counter there is a bit like fucking she's severe, like she's no nonsense, but there's a bit of banter out of her. And that particular day, she'd give me a little wink and be like, you want extra horse rides?

And I'd say, I do, Louise, you little slut. And she'd go, oh, I cheeky, cheeky. And I said, this is cheeky. And I'd give her a little honk. And then I go honk, honk. And on this perfect Sunday, she'd take that well in real life. There'd be, I'd get slapped. But in this, she's just like, you little cheeky devil, you, you little cheeky devil. I'm saying, I'll show you cheeky right around the back and then She's over the back. No, no, no So then we have that roast we have that roast. We're fucking full roast. We're back to fucking My house right me and Johnny we watch an episode of the original office

What I'm so hot UK better one. Yeah, the better one. Thank you The one where he's doing the dance and he's like, you know what I mean? of the original office. We watched them. So, huh? UK. Yeah, the better one. The one where he's doing the dance and he's like, you know what I mean? The little fucking Christmas special, this Christmas special sick. We're watching that fucking laugh and our fucking heads off. And then after that, watch a movie while we get a takeaway in, we watch a movie like something like good fellows or like just something like really class. Chinese. What's the takeaway? Huh? What's the takeaway? Take away Indian, Indian brother

getting full of Indian. And then we both go to, we both go to separate rooms, have a quick wank get, get back to the main room, back to our living room. And then we both look at each other and we write down what was your favorite part of the day? And I'll be like, name your favorite parts of the day, Johnny. And then he'd go, well, I guess you get me all that stuff and being the best big brother. And then he'd be like, when was your favorite part of the day? And I was just like, taking care of my little brother, Johnny, who I love. Yeah. How was that? That was sweet. Wasn't it? It was lovely. You didn't expect that, did you? You expected more wanking. There was only two wanks in that.

Two wanks and one fucking tickrab in that whole story. Well, yeah, that'd be my... I'd love that as a... So you love being with your brother, that's... Ah, yeah, yeah. Johnny's the man, yeah. He's great, yeah. I do, yeah. I love hanging out with him. And then I love movies, takeaways and a bit of sport. It'd be lovely. But a few points again is probably probably at some point, actually after the

roast and after the tick grab. And then after tick grab, she goes Guinness on the ass. She gives me Guinness on the house for like assaulting her. Do you know what I mean? But this is my perfect Sunday. This is my perfect Sunday. remember? And then I send a hundred dick pics to women of colour. To artists of colour. I send pictures of my bendy cock. A lot of comedians Sundays are similar. I mean that's three. No I mean the start of it. It's like coffee roast. I was doing cocaine in the Seychelles. Yeah, but yours isn't real Dan. Yeah, mine's fucking great. It is, it's assaulting women in pubs. No, that's not really. A honk, you can't, a honk assault is good fun. Come on, we all know that. If you honk, you're away with it. Your honour, I honked. Case dismissed. You've got to make the noise.

Please don't take any of this. Where's the camera? Look at me right now. If you have a woman you like, she doesn't like your back. There's only one way around it. Honking brother. Honk your way through it. Linda and accounts. She hasn't text you back. Give her a honk.

There's no resistance. Oh, we are ending careers today. Come on! Brothers, I have to tell you about Africa at some point anyway. Maybe after a short break. Short break! And then we shall travel deep into Africa. Now it's time to talk about my absolute favourite sponsor.

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Or Hallmark Jewelry in Fornby. Two locations. That's how you know it's good. Get on their Instagram, drop them a message or drop into the shop. And also, the Jewelers' Bench. Or Hallmark Jewelry in Formby. Two locations, that's how you know it's good. Get on their Instagram, drop them a message, or drop into the shop, just so you have a word, and you'll get 10% off all your purchases. What a deal, because I'll add it up on Jewelry, mate. Let me tell ya.

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UK, obviously Liverpool, Manchester, Newcastle, Glasgow, Aberdeen, Dundee, London and all over just MikeRiseComedy.com all over the UK and Ireland as well. Dublin, Belfast, Cork, Galway, all of them everywhere, everywhere. MikeRiseComedy.com tickets are fucking flying, doing some of the biggest venues I've ever done, the Pavilion in Glasgow, Shepherd's Bush Empire in London, Vicar Street, Dublin, which is my fucking, that was always my dream to do. Dylan Moore and Monster.

Yeah. I met the guy last week who books and runs Vicar Street. Bren. Yes. Yes. And I mentioned it was like an important venue to me because of Dylan Moore and Monster. Yeah. And he's like the amount of comics who play here and then mentioned that that special is the reason why.

Yeah. It's fucking mind blown. Yeah. That special is unbelievable. He did about three specials in the mid 2000s. Monster, state, other ones like so totally. I can't remember the name of the second. One in London, one in Australia.

And then the one in Australia. Yeah. And they're absolutely unbelievable. Yeah Sick. So yeah, I'm going all over tickets are flying Would be unreal to see there Yeah, it's gonna be November and in Ireland then in the new year So and my convent orios guides parenting is flying. Yeah flying. Yeah. Yeah going well Not flying like this is flying, but you know, it's going, it's going good. Yeah. So yeah, give that a go. Thank you. No, that's nice.

Yes. That was good. So good at self-promotion. That was painful. Was it? Yeah. They were like, Oh God, another thing. I did. Do you just know it is. I'm like, because in half of my head, I'm like, do I mention every day? Do I just say I'm going on a UK and Ireland tour? Do I say what I say? The show is good. I suppose that's another thing that'll be it'll be funny. I don't know. It's hard. This is why this is what was so on Irish about McGregor back in the day. he was like, I am the greatest fighter. You know what I mean? That's so on Irish. In my bones, all there is to say is just like, just like, ah, sure. I'm shy. I'm not worth shooting. I fucking I should have been drowned at birth. You know, that's what really that's the Irish way is to ask. I'm no good. So it's hard self

promotion. It's quite hard to drown someone at birth because they're born able to swim babies. I think. Yeah, but they're not strong. Yeah. I think that a baby is the easiest person to drown. Yeah, they'd be up there with the easiest person to drown would be a newborn baby. Someone who's starving and asleep. Right. Yeah. This is a...

Right. Yeah. This is a so they're weak, got no energy, not much sustenance, they're starved, literally starved. Stronger than a baby. And they're going to be weaker than a newborn baby. More unintelligible than newborn babies. So you're just throwing them in and going, God will do the rest. You just do that, lads. Done.

Did you ever hear that? Did you ever hear doing that? Done. Did you ever hear of doing that? For fuck's sake. You've got us self promoting drowning babies. Huh? This is the one selling the tour. You do that and the baby's dead. UK and Ireland, Vickers Street, first time, da. Are you doing tour dates in Africa, seriously? No, I'm not doing tour dates in Africa. I was just visiting my aunt who's a nun,

a woman of Christ. She's 81 years of age and she's always wanted us to go out there. So we went out there and visited her. So we were nunned up to the gills. We were just staying in convents out there, me and my two brothers. And let me tell you one thing, these nuns in Africa, they're happier than all of us. Oh, no, I'm sorry.

What were you going to say? They fuck. What the hell? Listen. What's your call? Eileen? Kathleen. Kathleen. Yeah. Kathleen. Sister Kathleen. But so we were out there and this because we were speaking to dogs there before at the break because you want to get a Rottweiler, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. Well, there was this fucker in the compound we were staying in and it's Harare in Zimbabwe, which is the capital city. Are you going to tell me about

Rhodesian Ridgebacks? Cause it's going to make me dead happy if you do. I don't know what that is, Dan, but I would like to make you happy in some form. So maybe I'll come up, I'll give you a kiss at some point, but what is it? For me, a gay kiss with a man is the same as talking about the Rhodesian Ridgeback breed of dogs. Well, this fellow was called Kiba now and he was half wolf, half dog. He was kind of... Did you ever meet these little dogs, like these fucking crystal blue eyes, frightening

little cunt, but they used to keep him in this little pen all day because he would bite the fucking arse off you. This violent little bastard and there was nothing that could please him. We'd go over there during the days behind the cage and he's like, and I'd give him chicken. I'd give him bones, treat him like the king of France, this little fucker. And you know what he'd do?

He'd eat it all, yum, yum, yum. And then he'd look up and he's angrier than he was before you fed him. He'd no gratitude. I was like, if you live your life this way for the rest of your life you'll never be happy. Because I've just given you the riches of the earth and you're still upset. Yeah. You need a session with Moki lad. But anyway, you need to get the mind right. But anyway, so it was like he'd be let out at like half six every morning, basically,

or sorry, he'd be out till half six, he's let out at nighttime. So after nine at night, we all have to just go into our little fucking these little kind of whatever it was dormitories. We had our little rooms, but they were very, there's no electricity or anything like that. These little beds. It was very monkish, but it was good for us. You know what I mean? Get away from the pleasures of the earth and capitalism and everything. But anyway, fucking and it's a dog's out at night to night because there's people man that there's, there's just roving gangs of robbers around. Right.

And these blue, these Christali blue, blue eyes of a white in a dog, like these scared as shit out of the Zimbabwean robbers. Like they're just like devil dog devil dog. Cause they call us like they would call us. I it's Mundanga or something they call whites which is like you Mundanga which is like you're a white dog but they also think there's a devilish there'd be a devilishness in us so they see those little blue sparklies fucking Paul Mescalize on a dog they are shitting it so they're like fuck. Hi, we're on to the next place. So that's why Kiba is out at night to just keep an eye, but he's a psycho. Um, so anyway, one morning the problem is my little brother fucking Johnny, he's in this little place

where he has to go, he to go to the toilet. He has to come out, right? Uh, to come out his room and then walk around the corner, go to the toilet. So one morning he ends up fucking coming out. He's looking around for fucking wild Kiba. And next thing fucking Kiba pounces fucking. So Johnny runs and he's fucking knocking at my door and he's like fucking, she let me in, let me in fucking Kiba. I hear Kiba rat jumps, bites his fucking elbow, bites the back of his back, he's knocking on Bushra, I'm like Johnny, if I let you in, he's going to bite me. You know what I mean? Brother, listen, survival is key. So I don't let Johnny in that time. But then there's another

fucking morning, right? It's early in the morning and I'm like, I haven't really slept and I've left a phone charger inside in the main house while the nuns are staying. So I have to, I have to come out. Right. And I know Kiba is going to be Roman. So I pick up a fucking ironing board, right. That's in the thing. And I'm just like, if this little fucker goes anywhere near me, I'm going to just send them into the bleachers. I'm going to be like fucking Babe Ruth, like fuck you, you little evil wolf cunt and just break his fucking nose. And I was just ready. I was like, right. I was wanting it. You know what I mean? I was like, come at me. I want you in my life. You little

evil dog. Remember I gave you the chicken, not a thanks to nothing. You little weasel. So I come out the fucking thing and I'm just like fucking ready. I'm like fucking let's have it. Cause I'm coming up towards the thing. And anyway, I was like fucking tensed up, you know, next thing he comes out from behind a tree like the weasel that he is right. And he fucking, and he bound her around for another year. Come on you stupid fucker. Let me have it. And he fucking jumps at me and I fucking swing just kind of graze the top of his head. Do nothing. Fucking straight onto me bites. I just scream and run into the nuns, wake up all the nuns are like, what's going on? I said,

the hockey. I tried to stop them with the thing, but they wouldn't. And they're like, what are you trying to do? I was like, hit them with a fucking iron on board and they're like, you are a really stupid, stupid guy. I'm like, I know I'm a fucking idiot. Sorry about that. Why was the Indians in Zimbabwe? They were, they were, they're actually, why can't I do any accent right? You've really got the impressions, specific impressions, but the accent wavers a bit. The accent rest in God. You're McGregor's great, you took it to Carlson's great, I've seen you trump, it's fucking great.

Zimbabwean does sound like this fella spent a lot of time in India and Japan. Did that go Indian at the end? Fuck! You are a stupid guy. You're a stupid guy. You're the stupid guy. Watch your head. You have to watch out.

Do not try to fight the wolf. With a fucking iron on board like an absolute clog. But it's funny. The rest of the doggy out, yeah. Yeah, well, yeah, he bit my arm and then I just screamed and I've never ran. I was like fucking Usain Bolt. I've never ran faster in my life. But it was so funny because I went so quickly from like thinking I was Jason Statham to just the biggest coward

life. John mean, I was like, come at me. If I find you, Kiva, you ain't gonna last, mate. It's gonna be over for you. And then just as soon I know Fin's frowning about this state. Am I not landing to stay them? Come on. Do you say them again? Oh, fucking fuck you up. Oh, fucking from the mighty bush. Right. Oh boy. Uh, but it's mad cause so there used to be 250,000 white people and it's about so it was part of Rhodesia. So like we were talking about the Rhodesian Ridge back and stuff, but now there's only like 30,000 flats. What you do with the money? Cause isn't that the only, haven't they got like trillions worth

like a quid? So I don't know what they have money wise, but I do know that the Chinese are in their fleece in the place. So they're fucking the, the, giving them all jackets. They're giving them all jackets. It's on it? The lease is on everyone in the city. Hot weather. It doesn't make sense. Google highest nomination of Zimbabwe money. And what it's worth, it's like a hundred. Yeah, they've suffered hyperinflation. Yeah. So they're like a fiver. Yeah. So their, their currency is called like zigs and it's just absolutely worthless.

The inflation is mental. The government are like selling off the assets of the country to the Chinese, or coming in and fleecing it. The infrastructure's all gone to shit since- Do you know what I don't understand about like inflation and currency, right? Any of it? No, here's what I don't understand, right?

No, so, right, in Zimbabwe, we go, right, wanna change this quid into some of your money. And they go, oh, well, that's actually three trillion zig. Yeah. Why don't they just knock all the zeros off and say it's three? Right. That's now three zig. And that's the Zimbabwean financial crisis solved. Do you know what? All of zeros off. The funniest thing is, Adam, I agree with you, but we're both operating from the ape brain. So you're going to have to remember that. Like to get paid, they get paid in like wheelbarrows of cash. Yeah, so stop that. There you go. The economy is focused on spending so much money on wheelbarrows.

Right. That's one of the main issues there. Instead of just going three zig, there you go. They're Chinese wheelbarrows though. Yeah, and this is now worth three zig. Yeah. No, but you don't need as much stuff, do you? That's what I'm saying. Rather than this is three trillion,

I give you three trillion, three and three. Yeah. I've won the Zimbabwean lottery. Just knock some zeros off that lad. You got eight zig. But so, the... I think that would work. As long as eight zig is worth a lot in their country.

Yeah, yeah. Like if they won 8 trillion now, then they still get an 8 trillion, they're just calling it 8. Right. And then they've got the space to grow into trillions. I think I've solved that, you know. Do you know what's funny? I agree with what you're saying,

and I saw a guy do a bit on it before in some sell-a-bit, and nothing's ever spoken to me more, because I don't understand. Oh, Pat's thingy. It's unbelievable. Just say it is then. That's right. It's just like because he's saying like, you know that the stock market is like, the stock

market turns off every night. He's like, it turns off and then it turns back on. And then people are just like, and come by and just be like, oh, the down Jones is down, the stocks are down. He's just like, just say it's not. You know what I mean? And then it's just like, but I say, yeah, but then you know what I mean? Um, inflation bubble, it's going to basically just leave it off and he's like, he's turning off, leaving off, leaving where it is. That's right. And then he's like, these people,

these people have no, no money. Just, just print money and give them money. And then, and then he, there's like, yeah, but that'll raise the cost of living on inflation. Just say it doesn't. His name and put it on the screen. It's unbelievable. Pat something. I don't understand inflation either because it is just made up. I mean, I get it when it was a physical currency because there's so many of them and if I've got more of them, you know, and they're making more. Pat Berger. But now it's just no Pat Berger, not Pat Butcher, Pat Berger. Yeah, because in the year 1200, a hundred pounds would buy you a country estate. If I had a thousand coins and I have 900, you have 100. I've got loads. If 10,000 new coins are introduced and you have them all,

my thousand is worthless. But it's all just numbers on the screen now, isn't it? I don't know how we've gone from the value of pound in 1200 to, I just don't know. Like it's, I just don't get it, how it's gradually devalued. It's not just by going, yeah, but they've just printed another fiver. There is the movie.

You don't understand how that values it. But is that the difference of a hundred pounds in the year 1200 to a hundred pounds in the year 2025? Essentially, yeah. It's just more of a more it's just the printing of money. Oh, no, I mean, it's not a very complex thing, but like, yeah, on a very basic level, right? Like, like Carl just said, if like, on a very basic level, right? Like, like Carl's just said, if there's only a thousand pounds in circulation, ow, if there's only a, I think I'm having a heart attack. If there's a thousand pounds in circulation,

we've got 500 each. And then there's, you know. Yeah, I get that. Yeah, I get that. And then there's a cupboard full of yoghurt over here. Right? Yeah. And we're the only people with money. Is it mint yogurt?

Mint yogurt. Yeah. Right? We're the only people with money. Is it mint yoga? Mint yoga. Yeah. Right. We're the only people with money. Yeah. So the fellow who's got all that yoga, we go, well, we'll give you all our money and we get half of the yoga teach. Nice. But if you print another 500 and Mike comes along and he goes, well, I've got 500 as well. Then your 500 is no longer worth half a cupboard full of yoga. It's only a third of a cupboard full of yoga. 100%. So you get less third of a cupboard full of yoghurt. 100%. So you get less yoghurt for your money because someone else has got money.

Even though you've got the same amount of money. That's great. Right. And that is all of inflation. That is all of inflation pretty much forever. Yeah. That's the only reason inflation exists is because of the printing of more money.

But it would make no difference if we had five, five and five, which is why you can just knock all those zeros off the Zimbabwean idiots and put all the wheelbarrows in a fucking fire. I love that that's how to get true to Dan is just yogurt. And he's just not, he's never understood that more once you put it in yogurt terms. I didn't get economics until yogurt was brought in.

I genuinely, that movie, the big short, you know, where it gets like Margot Robbie in a hot tub to tell you about financial crisis and they break it down easily and they're like, financial people don't want you to understand what's going on, but here's what's going on. I still didn't get what was going on. Even when they broke it down. Because they did it with Margot Robbie naked in a bath. They're like, this will really help you. Well, they thought that this is what will listen to her. Now they have her attention will listen to her, But I was still confused after. The awkward thing didn't help me at all.

I've got another question about economics. What if it's from Ash Frey? What do you mean? Is there any difference? No. Yeah, you convert it. Yeah. Oh, right, nice.

Into French. Nice. It'll be euros. Do you understand? Like that yoghurt is worth whatever money we've got. I understand the most basic economics I've ever heard. Yeah, I do. Yeah, yeah. I just, literally, is the reason inflation exists and has happened for this long solely the printing of new money? It's not the introduction of other currencies as well.

It feels way too oversimplified. It feels way too oversimplified. No, like I have oversimplified it so that it's easier to understand, but that is pretty much it in a nutshell. Yeah, obviously the value of it is not just down to how much money we've got, but how many people are willing to work for it and how many new people are out.

And that's why immigration affects the economy. And that's why if we lose talented people, less skilled workers, it's a big multifunctional, multi like faceted equation. But the most basic thing is what, like the value of that just by printing an extra 50% of money, increase the value of it by 50%. Yeah. So that, that yogurt costs 1500 and so a grand because you split back into yoghurt. But until someone can tell me that the only reason inflation has existed for a thousand years is the printing of extra money. Well you change yoghurt.

Because then I'd argue shouldn't print it anymore. Isn't the introduction of other markets, like other countries who've got money because they've got more better yoghurt. They've got the oil. So like our yoghurt's worth more. Black yoghurt, Dan. Black yoghurt. We need the yoghurt to so our yoghurt's worth more. Black yoghurt, Dan. Black yoghurt.

We need their yoghurt to make our yoghurt, so we don't, we'll get it. I think we might have wandered out of the really simple inflation conference. So the thing is, the Saudi yoghurt is good yoghurt. Well, they help us make our yoghurt, because their yoghurt's where the yoghurt's grown. Right, so how does that affect inflation?

So there you go, we've got all the good yoghurt. So, right, so here you go. There's a cup of full of yoghurt there, we've got 500 quid each, we've got all the good yoghurt. So, right, so here you go. There's a cup of full of yoghurt there. We've got 500 quid each. We think that's the only yoghurt. Carl runs Saudi Arabia and he goes, hey, I've got twice as much yoghurt over here and you can just give me the money you've got

and have my yoghurt instead. So then this fella would have to lower the price of this yoghurt by 50% for us to consider buying his yoghurt and not Carl's because Carl's got twice as much yoghurt to sell us for the same amount of money. That's why countries with no natural resources have got no money, like Ethiopia. Finn, are you as lost as I am over there?

And that Saudi Arabian yogurt analogy has explained the inflation of the pound since 1200, has it? Yeah, because it's the introduction of all the currencies or the or the nations having because back in 1200 when we went as much a globalist society, we the only let's instead of yogurt, let's use turnips. Right now I mean, when was your game? But now you got me brother. So back then this fella who owns all the yogurt, we're back on your turn it, the fellow who owns or turn it flavored yogurt, the fellow who owns all this yoghurt, we're back on yoghurt, the fella who owns all the... Turnip flavoured yoghurt. The fella who owns all this turnip yoghurt, right, the fella who owns all of this is

like, oh, Mike, Dan and Adam, they can't get their fucking yoghurt from anywhere else, they can only get it from me. Saudi Arabia comes in and goes, hey, I've actually got too much yoghurt, like so much of it. The yoghurt's grown here, comes out of my floor. The old Saudi Arabian medieval yoghurt crisis of 1250 that I remember. You might as well get it from me. So then we go, do you know what?

Four billion is yoghurt farm over here. It's priced through the roof. We might as well go and get it from Carl, the Saudi Arabian yoghurt farmer. Right? So we go over to him. They're not allowed to be yoghurt farmers. He has to lower his prices to match his. But then he starts making a loss. He has to lower his prices to match his, but then he starts making a loss.

He has to be a little bit higher. So we have to think morally and on a national basis, is it better for us to pay a little bit more for Billy's British yogurt than sending all of our money out of the country to Saudi Arabia and buying theirs? And making their country full of money and stronger British yogurt for British people. Brexit means Brexit, Dan.

I think I might vote for Nigel Farage now actually, now that I've really thought about the yoghurt front. Sick of these Middle Eastern yoghurt salesmen. Not a euphemism. Yeah. As Finn said, they're not allowed to be yoghurt farmers over there. But that's why it's so fun.

That's why they love it. But then on top of all of this, right? On top of all of this, so now we've got the money bit dealt with, yeah? Yeah. You got 500 quid, I'll go 500 quid. He's got 500 quid. Danny the yoga farmer wants 1500 for his yoga.

Carl, the Saudi Arabian yoga farmer, he is like, I'll give you twice as much yoga for the 1500, give us all your money. But then Finn comes over, little immigrant Finn, and goes, hey, I'll work for you for fucking a year for that yoga. And then Billy, the farmer man goes, oh, hang on. The butcher.

It would probably be better for me to have a man work for me for a year than for me to have 1500 quid because using his lay back and probably get more than 1500 quid's worth of work done. Like that would benefit me more. So do you know what? He can have all the yoghurt and he can work for me for a year. And the yoghurt in this case is now Billy's money. So Billy doesn't want to sell us his yoghurt because he's given it to Finn because his labor is worth more than that and now the workforce is into the economic system. And that has, by the way, so many people listening to this are just like what the fuck are you talking about? And there's a couple of like gold standard economists who are like fucking out, Adam knows his shit about yoghurt. Yoghurt really helped at first and then really

confused things. Anyway in Zimbabwe the currency's is fucked. Yeah, that's the point here. And he's explained why. It's no yogurt for anyone. Yeah. But so did the whites in Zimbabwe. So like there's there was 250,000 of them. There's 30,000 of them now. Most of them left. Farmers were killed, slaughtered, blah, blah. So the whites that are left, a lot of them are fucking kind of mad and afraid.

Like we went over to one of Kathleen's friends, John, went over to him. His house is this weird little fucking kind of farmhouse. We went over, he's making his own sausages and we went in, he's like, how you doing? We're like, oh, well, John, when these lads, he doesn't wear a top, big one, those fat bellies that are hard, John, like hard, like a cannonball, like just fucking, and he had the weirdest fucking belly button on the con. So when someone has just some weird, you're just trying not

to say anything about his belly button. You're like, it looks like a button's popped off it. Yeah. 100% put like it's looked like someone filled it in and caved it over like a hole in the wall. Like, you know, the one of those, when you see a hole in the wall, like, and you're just like, don't say anything about his fucking weird fucking belly button. Cause he was a dangerous looking, he's like, how you doing? The white Africans over there are fucking serious. Like, cause you know what I mean? They've put up with like fear and they're tough. So he's like, I'm making sausages with my friend Tuffy. And he had this girl, there's just this like woman there. She's like, I'm Tuffy. I helped John with the sausages. And we're like, all right,

how are you Tuffy? And then we were like, uh, we're are you toffee? Are you well? And then we were like, we were like, oh, how are you doing? And he gives you the one, those handshakes. He's like, how are you doing? You know, he's shaking your hand. You're like, fucking these hands have killed a local. And so you can feel the strength in it. We're like, he got his phrases from as well. Cause a lot of those people learned English from watching friends. How are you doing? English from watching friends. How you doing? Could I be anymore? It's scary. Turned Russian Indian Russian Chandler. Uh, RIP, my, but, uh, my P, uh, don't do drugs. So anyway, he was in there. It's the one he was a second. Then he was like, he's like, he's like, he's like, do you like bees? And we're like,

oh, like bees? He's like, yeah, you like bees? And we're like, no, who likes bees? And he's just like, I love bees. And we're like, even after what they did to Macaulay Culkin in fucking My Girl, do you remember that? Fucking great film. And it's just like, he needs his glasses. The bees killed Macaulay Culkin. I've never liked bees since they fucking kill him. They stung him today. It was horrible. So he's like, he was like, follow me. I'll show you some bees. So he brings his route down. He's just this fucking, you know, like a fucking half man, half bear, like his face is dirty as twigs fucking, you know, falling out from underneath his arms. And then he's

like, he's like, what do you do? And it's just like, you don't want to say fucking, you know, falling out from underneath his arms. And then he's like, he's like, what do you do? And it's just like, you don't want to say fucking, do you know what I mean? I talk about eating my own com or whatever. And, uh, and people give me money for that. So I was just like, Oh, we grew up on a farm, you know, leave it at that. And he's like, these are my pigs. He's like, I killed them and I eat the pigs. And I'm like, all right, good man.

And then he's like, you see those, these are my ducks. We're like, I kill them and I eat the pigs. And we're like, all right, good man. And then he's like, you see those, these are my ducks. We're like, right. And he's just like, he's like, I kill them. And then I eat them. We're like, yeah, no, understand how a farm works, good man. And then he was just like, right, follow me. Follow me to my, follow me out here.

He's just like, then he points at this little thing. He's just like, in here we've got AKBs. We're like, what's that? And he's just like, then he points at this little thing. It's just like, in here we've got AK bees. Like what's that? And he's just like, African killer bees. I'm like, oh fuck, they don't sound like good bees. And he's just like, if they sting you, they will kill you. And we're like, and where the fuck are you bringing us close to these fucking bees?

You fucking wild cunt, do you know what I mean? We're like, all right, cool. He's just like, don't provoke the bees. Like, what the you think we're going to do? Start slagging off to be what the why are you bringing us to be you can't pet a bee. Like why are you even bringing us to the fucking bees? You know bees. Why has he got African killer bees? Why do these bees? Why does Beckham have bees? People are gone be mad. People love bees now. I know somebody who's got bees. Who? Her name's Kate and she tends to bees and she takes the honey. Right. So it's probably for it. It's probably. Yeah.

She got the beers and she turned the honey. She came to Italy. Oh yeah. Oh BK. Yeah. Yeah. That was a KB. This one here. I swear. But he was just like there. He's like, they're a beautiful bee, but they will kill you if they're seeing you like, you know, it's like, there's no beautiful. What are you talking about? You're not into bees now. Not in a sexual way. And you know, I've had my dalliances with creatures. What was he doing with them? Huh? I guess it's honey. It must be honey. But if you're going to have killer honey, killer honey. Yeah, killer, killer fucking on. But like you just get a normal B, you know what I mean? But then the anyway, he was just, I think it was like, he was like honey for Tuffy. Tuffy lacks, lacks a honey. And then like at some point he was like, you

know, and then Tuffy like, I like honey. You know, Toffee was fucking, she was sweet actually. She sounds fit. Yeah. She was fit. And then afterwards, cause I was like big fat David. And then at one point, because they've just warped since you were like, we were all out.

And he's just like, and then he's just like, fucking one of the bees is scared. And we all like, we all just rat like we're a fuck, run it. And do you know when you realize if you actually think you're going to die, we all just rat like we'll fuck run it. And you know when you realize if you actually think you're going to die, you would just trample over your brother. Like just fuck off. And then he's like, I'm joking. It's a joke. He didn't get out. And he's like, you're a fat cunt. Anyway, you dirty sausage making bastard. Toffee's a whore. You know, just really went down. Why were you in Zimbabwe?

You went over there to just well well, no, so we went over there to visit, but also we had this fucking big plan. So one of the biggest bungee jumps in the world is that Victoria falls. I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but this was like, you've been a few times. You've been down to the Zimbabwe and Zambian border there every now and then. So that's the Victoria falls. Victoria falls. Haven't they got like a load of like they got a massive monkey problem. Oh, there's monkeys everywhere over there. Like the, these baboons with the baboons are like, there's like roving gangs of baboons like the crocodile gangs of baboons. They're going around. No joke. How I've watched a documentary about

the baboons of Victoria Falls. Lad. But I have. Dan. They did a documentary and it's like gang warfare. Lad, let me, they'd robbed eyelashes off your eyelids. These little bastards, they'd stole a sandwich of mine. I was just eating the sandwich. They're a lawless, godless little bunch of fuckers.

He stole Adam's leukazade in India. No, Finn's Fanta. Finn's Fanta, that's what it is. One of the monkeys. Yeah. They were ruthless over there. They'd have your eyelashes off your eyelids. It's a well-known saying.

I seen a woman lose a pasty to a seagull the other day. Really? Yeah, seagull just come down. I'm like, I'm having that. Chicken bake, you daft bitch, that's mine. Yeah. The misogynistic seagull. Our new book of kids books are going to be great. You're keeping them chips. You silly twat. But so anyway, we go to Victoria falls and then we're

going, that was our big thing. We're going to do this fucking bungee jump. We told, we've been telling everyone, this is a big fucking telling everyone for months everyone we met in Africa we were on about the bungee jump and they were like fucking wow six second biggest in the world we were like fucking class and we're coming up to that day my little brother John was particularly like he was just like listen lads he's like it's like Top Gun Maverick Tom Cruise don't think just do you know what I mean don't like just fucking we go in there fucking do it it. We'll have a story forever. Like fucking great class. We went to do the bungee jump. I go up to your one in this little fucking Europe on this kind of little wooden treehouse part beside the bridge that's over here. And she's like, Oh, it's whatever. It's like $168 each

or whatever. And then I was like, I'll give you a 300 for three of us, you know, and then she never tried to deal with someone. She's just like, no, it's like $168. And then I was like, ow, you know, it's just immediately your bartering is just pissed upon. So I was like, oh, I'll go talk to the lads and we'll chat about it. And while they go back to talk to lads, I just go over to the edge of the thing to have a look at the bungee jump. And I've never been filled. My my legs nearly like fell from under me.

I just got filled with the most abject fucking horror I've ever had and I could barely breathe. I was like, fuck. And then I was like, I turned back to the lads and I was like, I was like, like watching, maybe we'll just go back into town for lunch, have some lunch, think about it, talk about it. Then we'll come back. We'll do the bungee. And then there was a guy working there and he was like, he's like, you can have lunch here. And then we were like, yeah, you make food here as well. Do you? Yeah. Fucking pigs. Right. And then I was like, fine. We'll have lunch here. So we're all sitting down and we're having lunch and then we're like, right. We're looking at each other

and we're like, listen, we've come this whole fucking way. We've told everyone for months, we're doing this fucking bungee. Let's just fucking do it. Right. Just fucking go out there, do it. It'll be scary. Fuck it. We'll just get it done. Right? We've come the whole way. We're like, yeah, yeah, grand. It's like all we need to do is just watch someone do it and then like live and we'll feel good about it and we'll see it's all fucking grand. Was it massive? Like it's the second biggest one in the world. I can't, like, I can't picture how big it is. It's crazy. It's like it's you look just the sight of it will make your fucking rectum. Sorry for sounding thick, but would you not with a bungee jump situation want a really

tall one? Like I wouldn't want to be on the shortest bungee in the world. No, no, I feel like that's you wouldn't want to be more dangerous off the side of a fucking bungalow. Yeah, you know, that's not going to be great either. But this is fucking faceplanting off the side of a pizza hut. But at the same time, this is just like it would take your breath away. It's just fucking like the expanse of it. You were like, this is mad. So anyway, we're like, look, we need to do it. We just need to see a woman do it. Because there's only one person that's done.

That was the thing. No one's doing it. So that's making us more scared. So next thing this woman goes up, we see her walking out towards the ledge and she's just fucking jumps over it. Like I've never heard a death scream like in my life. Now I'm more scared. This hasn't made me feel better. This has made me feel better.

This has made me feel less good. Yeah, she lived. She did live, but I don't know if she's ever gonna be all there again, right? But so now I'm like, right, fuck it. There's a little video thing that's showing you like, a bringing you through the bungee jump. I was like, let's watch the little video thing,

feel a bit better about that. In the video thing, then it's just like this. It's just like, okay okay so when you do the bungee jump you must jump out into the middle to ensure your safety. I'm like to ensure my safety so there's a chance if I don't jump properly I'm not going to be safe is that what you're telling me and then it says in the unlikely event that the rope breaks you you will have, uh, what are those things that puffy things for war? Cause there's river underneath. What do you call it? You'll wear a life jacket in the unlikely event. Unlikely event. I'm not sure that life jacket have mattered either.

But unlikely event that makes it sound like one in 10 unlikely event. What the fuck are you talking about? Unlikely event. You should be like the thing that never happens. Impossible event. Impossible event statistically is what you should the thing that never happens. Impossible event. Impossible event statistically is what you should have said, you fucking idiot. So anyway, we see that we're just, we're still frightened. This is going on. We are worming around this fucking bungee jump.

Now for like an hour and a half, we have just been squirming, weaseling around, chatting in fear. Our auntie who's a nun is just there, kind of like rolling right. So then we say, right, here's what we need to do. Just go down onto the fucking bridge. We can see it from the bridge. We understand what it is. Then we'll just, we'll be close to it. We'll see it. We'll feel better. So we're like, right, we get down onto the bridge.

Me, Pan, John, three brothers walking. The bridge is the scariest thing I've ever done. Just being on the bridge. Just being on the fucking bridge is the scariest thing I've ever done. Just being on the bridge. Just being on the fucking bridge is the scariest thing I've ever done. There's this rail this side between me and absolute fucking shocking death. I'm absolutely shit. Now we're walking on halfway down, me and Pair walking around John, we look back,

my little brother John, this is the guy who said, Top Gun Maverick, don't think, just do. We just fucking do it, don't think about it, is crawling off the bridge. Like a little cat, like a little sick cat, he is crawling off the fucking bridge. The lads who do, there's about six lads who work on the bungee, by the way, they just all sit around the bridge, legs dangling over the sides, smoking fags, as if it's a jungle gym. Crazy. the bridge legs dangling over the side smoking fags as if it's a jungle gym crazy so they're

sitting there like that laughing laughing at John crawling off one of the most cowardly sites in the history the continent of Africa my little brother Johnny crawling off the fucking bridge in Victoria Falls so then me and my brother go up and they're like come on they're like you do the bungee you have fun and then we were just like, I fucking, I don't know that. Like, I don't know. I feel like I'll have a heart attack. I feel like I will go in to cardiac arrest if I do this and my body won't be able to take it. The level of fucking fear. I'm scared of heights. My heart will explode. I have a career. It's going well now. You know, you do a bungee jump. Do they pull you back up or do they lower you down?

They pull you back off. Fuck that'd be the worst bit, mate. Lad, they pull you back up. So then what they say to us, right, is they go like this. Okay, they're like, you are afraid. You don't want to do the jump out and go down. They say, this too scary for you. It's like, what you can do is something different.

You both go together, the forward swing. You jump out feet first and you swing out and you don't go down. The forward swing, you jump out feet first and you swing out and you don't go down. And I was like, right. And they're like, and then they all start going, share the fear. You share the fear. That was their big selling point. You and your brother, you share the fear. Right. So we were like, right. Okay. And that still seems like a fucking nightmare. But my brother's happy. He's just like, yeah, maybe we'll just fucking do that. Cause he'd love in his head. He'd be like, right, if I die, he's dying as well. He's always like, I get what I mean. He's always like fucking weighing things off. I

don't want to die if he's not dying. That's the way he's doing my head. And right. Yeah. So he's like, right, we'll do it to two of us. And then the guy goes, right. He's like, the thing is if you weigh over 180 KG, you cannot do the job. And then he was like, the thing is, if you weigh over 180 kg, you cannot do the jump. And then he was like, so we go back, we put you on the weighing scales. I was like, right, right. We go to weighing scales. In my head, I'm like, I know I'm 93 kg. Right. I'm in my head. So I'm like, right. So if my brother is something like that, we will be probably fucking too heavy.

Right. So I was like, OK. So we walk back 10 minutes with this guy, because this is their fucking this is their money for the day, getting us to do this fucking thing. So we get back 10 minutes with this guy, because this is their fucking, this is their money for the day getting us to do this fucking thing. So we get back anyway to the thing, we get to the weighing scale. This is where you buy the tickets. I get on the weighing scale 93. I'm like, all right, fucking sound. I look at my brother, I'm like, you are a fucking tick little fucking conch.

You know what I mean? Like you're a chunky little monkey. I think you're going to be a nice little prize pig and you'll weigh a lot. So he gets up on the thing. He comes in 83 kg. The guy, the fucking bungee jump guy goes, hurrah. Yeah. He's like, we do it. We do it. You come into it. And I said, I'm not doing that fucking thing. I don't give a fuck. I'm not doing it. There's no way I'm doing it. I would rather eat my own shit. I just fucking like, I was like, you think I'm going to do that? Pay to do that! If you paid me two grand, I wouldn't do it.

Why did you even weigh yourself then? Cause I thought we'd weigh too much and I'd have an excuse. Cause I thought we'd weigh too much and I could say we tried. I tried to do it. Did you do it? No, I didn't fucking do it. Then he said, you can just do the zipline. I said, I'm not doing anything. I'm staying on the ground. And I swear to God, me and my three brothers, right? We'd been dropped there by a taxi driver three hours earlier.

We have been mincing and cowardly debating around, making Faustian deals with no one. Around this little, just around this little fucking place, they've been looking at us for three hours, just fucking panicking, just dribbling, panicking, fretting, watching from the bridge, watching from here, asking for a cheaper price. We knew we weren't going to do it from two minutes in. It's all a show. So we'd been dropped there three hours before, right? And when he dropped us there, he was

like, you will love it. I've done the bungee. We come back in three hours later from the exact same place. He's like, how is the bungee? You're like, you shut your fucking mouth. That's how the bungee was. Don't lie to him. Huh? So yeah, it was boss jumped off, came back. Yeah, cause we couldn't, you should have said lad,

I've never been more ashamed. I don't know if you've ever had an image of yourself in your head of who you are. I had an image of Micra. I was just like, I fucking- I had the exact same feeling I had when I tried horse riding. I'm ballsy. I'm an image of Mike. I was just like, I had the exact same feeling. I'm a ballsy man. I'm a risk taker. I'm a fucking, I'll knock your fucking, I'll knock your fucking head off. I'm fucking Mike. And you know, when that just gets shattered, I am a weasel.

I am a useless coward of a man. I'm a kite man. The wind did blow me away. The Rises at the Bungie genuinely was the greatest display of weaselry and cowardice in the history of Africa. It's the worst thing white people have ever done in Africa was the Rises display at the Bungie that day. And this is no joke. I was depressed. I mean like just so I was like, we're fucking pussies. We're fucking cowards and not just me, my

brothers, the rice name is a disgrace as a family. The bloodline is shit. We are people who would get you killed at war. We are fucking no good dirty rotten worms, slogs of men. Right. And we got back to the place we were staying the convent, the nuns that were staying there that were staying with, they've done the bungee. They started talking to us. Oh, you, they were like, you love the bungee, Ed. It's a lot of fun. We were like, we didn't do the bungee. I won't do the bungee.

So we got to go. We're out of time, mate. Grant. We're out of time. There was one last wrinkle, but you know what? Leave it for the ether. You can get, next time, next time. Mike, it's been an absolute pleasure.

Lads, we love you. Everyone loves you. Go and see Mike on tour. go and check out his excellent podcast with our very own Vittorio Angeloni and Some other known friends left Adam no the country case last shows but most importantly at the minute We have an arena show coming up and there's a few tickets Jesus Bobbing around from that. Just booked the first act and woo hoo. Jesus. Bobby Duffra.

We have booked the first act. Finn, have you got a banging tune to play us out with on the audio? Yes, we've got, this is by Mostly Matt. And this was entered. You sing as the rest of me? This was entered as Germany's Eurovision song for this year, but it didn't quite make it.

This is Heartbreaker. Ironic. Right. Bye, Mike. Bye. your vision song for this year but it didn't quite make it this is Heartbreaker ironic bye bye You had a look so profound as I fell to the ground and you slowly tore it apart Girl you can keep it I will get better but I just don't know where to start I tried to block out the sound of my head spinning round as I danced alone in the dark Hold on, faded, completely traded Now I know without any doubt She was a heartbreaker, she really took me for a ride

She was a soul shaker, heartbreaker, never gonna make it out alive Can you believe it? She wrote a letter back to me in a twist of fate She said she knew she was wrong and that I was the one It was just a total mistake But I can see it You're the book and the expected online to create You cannot string me along to the tune of your song Now I've made a lucky escape Oh I've faded, completely jaded

You're making me want to shout She was a heartbreaker She really took me for a ride She was a soul-breaker Never gonna make it out alive She was a heartbreaker She was a heartbreaker, she was a heartbreaker She was a heartbreaker, she was a heartbreaker I don't wanna fight, just get out of my life I went to the light Without you by my side

She was a heartbreaker She really took me for a ride She was a soul-shaking heartbreaker Never gonna make it out alive She was a heartbreaker She really took me for a ride She was a secret heartbreaker You never get to make it in the night She was a heartbreaker She was a heartbreaker

She was a heartbreaker She was a heartbreaker She was a heartbreaker She was a heartbreaker She was a heartbreaker She was a heartbreaker She was a heartbreaker She was a heartbreaker She was a heartbreaker