Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #339 with Joe Marler - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: July 27, 2025

Tickets for the ARENA SHOW, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's September Karaoke Party: https://www.skiddle.com/e/40966945Listen to Finn's music: https://bio.to/FinnlayKAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Huel | https://huel.com/haveawordpodGet Huel today with this exclusive offer for New Customers of TEN Pounds OFF + a FREE Gift with code haveawordpod at https://huel.com/haveawordpod (Minimum £60 purchase)Saily | https://saily.com/Download SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening lids, before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand up special What's Wrong With Me is out right now on the Have A Word YouTube channel. That's youtube.com slash have a word pod if you're listening on audio and if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there. It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane.

And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it, but do us a favor. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment, and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us. Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one.

Not just the stand up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that will be and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above, above anything we've ever done before. And I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it. So what's wrong with me? Full standup special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's youtube.com slash have a word pod. Watch it, like it, share it.

Appreciate it and I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. Welcome to the have a word podcast. I'm here with my good friend and business partner, Carl. And my God, we've achieved a lot on this podcast in the last five and a half years. Ooh, it doesn't get any bigger than this.

We are back with a podcast live show at the Arena in Liverpool on Saturday, the 20th of December. It's gonna be a podcast extravaganza. Stand up in the first half, booze in the break. And then we have a podcast live show. We have essentially a party. If you were there three years ago, you know how good it gets.

It's just a celebration of everything. Have a word. Are you excited about this, Carl? I'm so excited because the names you've got lined up are going to change how you view podcasts, mate. How have they got him? How have they got him? How have they got them? Yeah it's going to be an amazing podcast party right before Christmas. It'll be the last thing you do just before Christmas and then you shut it down for Christmas, Gooch and New Year's Eve.

Imagine this for one second, I love the Have Away podcast. Wow I love them boys, I've watched it for five years. Wow I'm going to give it a miss, start that arena. It's not for me. January comes. Everyone's going, did you hear about the arena? Can you believe it? You don't know a thing, mate. You're out of the loop.

No one even likes you anymore. So you can get- Don't be that guy or girl. Buy a ticket. Tickets, Live Nation and also- HaveAWordPod.com. Yeah, that's the one. Go to our website. And also sign up to the Patreon. Patreon.com. Yeah, that's the one go to our website and also sign up to the patreon patreon.com

Slash have a word pod for the biggest patron in the UK and one of the biggest in the world That's us. Don't be the guy who goes I didn't go because I went shopping instead Silly Billy that was a really good pre-roll. Cheers. We did really well there. You were great on today's episode as ever Thank you. I was a great episode with Insert Name. Don't you agree? I love Insert Name. Yeah. Enjoy. Finn this is the one and only Have Award. Brought to you by Manscape the very best

products on the market for below the waist groomer. Go Ed get on me. You're glowing done. I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant. Congrats. You're the uncle. Are I? Are we all uncles? Yeah, you are. You just, you know, you're, I'd consider you to be fake uncles to my kids now, wouldn't you? 100%. At the wedding. I've met Jack now, so yeah. At Will's wedding, you were unbelievable. All of you.

Like there's pictures, there's a really cute picture that I think your missus sent me and Laura of just Finn playing with Jack down the garden. And at one point he's telling you something and you're really leaning in talking to him. I love it. Someone else's kids are great. Yeah. Not all someone else's kids.

As we know, because some kids aren't, no, Hitler's kids. Yeah. No, Hitler was a kid. Ah, yes he was. Yeah, yeah. Finn wanted to let him talk to Hitler. Like, hey, playing with kids, you're so fucked. And then you go home.

Yeah, it's great. Yeah. Best, best. Being a fake uncle is fucking amazing. There's difference though, because Adam's uncle, Adam, isn't he to them? But then- No, he's Adam Rolad. I thought they called him Uncle Adam.

Uncle Adam Rolad. Yeah. But then me and Harry are just Finn and Harry. I think they've worked you out. Your cousins though, aren't you? Yeah. I think they've got your status down. My grandmas, I think. Yeah.

You just like naughty cousins. I'm a naughty uncle. That sounds bad. No. And there's another picture. It's naughty uncle. I think you've got to be, have you got to be over 30 to really get the... Uncle status. Yeah, I don't know. You need to be, have you got to be over 30 to really get the uncle status?

I don't know. You need to be a little bit older. We're all currently the kids say now when you're old. Yeah You're looking I don't know. I don't know. I'm sort of mainstream Tamism borrowed from black culture. Actually is it well, I asked you I'm calling people middle-aged uncle for ages. I've asked the issuehan if I can call his dad uncle because I was in the dressing room when K. Curd was there and as soon as Ishan's dad walked in he went, uncle. He even did the voice and I was like, are you allowed to do that? And I went, Ishan, now I've met your dad and he, like Ishan's spoken about me and Ishan's dad.

I just don't think you should be calling him uncle when he's like three years younger than you. No, that's true. Hello, young man. I remember you from school. Um, I would love to call him uncle, but I don't think I can do the uncle. Why? I just think that's the line. Why? Because I be doing the lines, the head wobbling. Just do the like doing the noise is fine. Uncle, it doesn't work. No, you gotta do the accent. So why is it you glowed that? Ah, thank you.

Smooth. You look like a man who's come recently. No, well not that recently. Since we've been getting here, sitting at the studio. Last 12 hours. I had relations with a woman last night. You fucked your wife? Yeah.

Bill Clinton. I tell you what, I was at the dentist yesterday. That's where you fucked her? And the dentist doesn't usually get me revved up, but I think it was having something jammed in my mouth that just got me frisky. Was it a lady? No, it was also testosterone day yesterday, so.

Yeah, I don't think it was the dentist. I was just revved. Do you ever get, when you're in a bit of a play. What was in your mouth that got you revved up? That I did a 3D scan. I was just being silly. You got a female dentist. He wasn't making me gag. I mean, he don't know.

Oh, yeah, don't you have to bite down? No, he's, there's two dentists, I get, you know, spread around between them. So it was, it was Jeff yesterday, Dr. Jeff. And I just, as I was driving home, I was like, she's fucking getting it, mate. She's getting it. Also, I know we're in the window, the ovulation window.

So it's all, there's like green flags everywhere. It's race day. Question. Yeah. Hasn't Laura had a... The tubes are tied, yeah. She still has a period though. Oh. Oh, she's not had a hysterectomy. But that's why, maybe you're a little confused. Couple of tubes tied, Jizz can go anywhere.

Right, but she still ovulates. The egg still... Yeah. So what happens to the egg? Doesn't it get stuck in the tube? Isn't there just fucking months of eggs just backed up? Yeah. Classic traffic jam.

When she goes, woo! A ping pong machine. And I don't know what that is. The egg is stuck in the tube. It's like traffic jam. When she goes, whoo! A ping pong machine. And I don't know what that is.

They blocked the cumtunnel to the world. Which is what they explained to her at the time when they did the operation. So the tube said, don't worry love, it's just your cumtunnel. You won't be like a ping pong machine. I'm not even sure what that is either. But the imagery is strong.

So the tube that the egg comes down from? The fallopian. You won't be like a ping pong machine. I'm not even sure what that is either. But the imagery is strong. So the tube that the egg comes down from the fallopian. Yeah, the fallopian tubes into the pussy. They're untied, they're open for business. Yeah, I think so. Oh, I thought they tied those like Dappy's hat. Yeah. From N-Dub, yeah. They tied it like Dappy's dick, mate.

Look, cause that just did stop So what tubes tied then just like... It's like roadworks on the Moen. ...the inside of the vagina. That's less tying, isn't it? When IG is, it goes off the M6 and around Alsagier. Have they just caught... I heard things like a dog. Have they just caught an eye... I don't know, mate. I didn't ask questions.

They've stopped traffic between the ovaries and the uterus. There you go. Like the M57, junction two is closed. Yeah, that's the fallopian tubes. So surely she's just got fucking... When was that? Like two years ago? Four, when Jack was born. So surely she's just got fallopian tubes full of eggs now. Surely this backed up?

No, because I think it's like one half of the motorway is closed. That way is fine. This way is... More motorway analogies. That's how we do it. She's going to go to college waiting for a pussy and you can go north with not so right. Forgive me. But the road's still open. I'm not saying I'm an expert on this shit. I don't think any of us are. I think you work for the British highways agency. Correct me if I'm wrong, right? There's the ovaries. Yeah. So they're on each side, they're like this.

Yeah. Right, yeah. And then they have a tube. Yeah. That comes into the womb. The womb. Yeah. Is that right?

Yeah. Is it not the uterus? The uterus, yeah. So they send an egg to there. Yeah. You come in there. Yeah. And then they go to there.

Yeah. Bosh, baby goes. Into the there. Yeah, and then they go to there. Yeah, Bosch and then baby goes into the womb. Yeah Right. So if they've blocked them pipes If they'd only blocked one side of the motorway that every other month and I could still be getting through I believe they blocked the corn tunnel That's just a vagina though. They haven't blocked the vagina It was gonna snob in it. He might be able to get his knob in it. Help us out here Finn. I'm looking. Where's chat GPT for this one hey?

It just says it doesn't affect your menstrual cycle. It doesn't say why. But yes she still has a period. Women are an enigma aren't they? Careful. Of the world. But where did the eggs go? Should I ask her what? No, Ringer babe. Just one minute. The fallopian tubes are responsible for carrying eggs from the ovaries to the uterus. They don't play a role in the shedding of the uterine lining. That's the period menstruation. So maybe there's no eggs. There's no eggs. We're

egg free. Oh, they've like the eggs. But now there's the inside will be blood. Yeah. Like a vegan cake, egg free, mate. So, you know, I'm really got this has got me horny again. Great shot. So she's still ovulating. So ovulating is, is the good times. Ovulating is when they're like, hey, we can have babies now. Let's have sex with them now. Isn't he beautiful? Look at his bald fucking head.

You like his bald head. It's like physiological, hormonal. You smell nice to him. Like hormones. Oh my God, that was a great joke. Oh my God, he's groping me a bit when I'm doing the washing up. That's charming.

Now, leave that two weeks and that is a crime. That is a hate crime and she despises it. It's just all about this beautiful little window. And I knew we were in it. And I went, hey, what you saying about the kids having an early night? What time's this? This is like mid afternoon.

And she was like, that sounds good. So I sent back the Moto Moto GIF. And that's when you know you're getting it. I think moto moto like you. The gift. I like them big. I like them junkie. It's all good. If she wasn't ovulating moto moto gifts from Madagascar to escape would would not get me sex. I don't know if you know about women. They don't think animated animated film guests for sex over text using Madagascar Gifts and it worked. Because she's ovulating.

Well I am getting women. He's even trying to know. Yeah. And I decided I was going to get in and just do all, I got in and she, mum phoned so she went upstairs and I was like when she's upstairs I'm going to blitz the whole of the downstairs. I thought you were going to say you were going to blitz her while she's on the phone. Put it on mute. Put it on mute, girl.

How's your mother? No, literally, how is she? So I was like, I'm going to just go, not just do a quick tidy, like her standard, which is not how I clean and tidy. What I do is, when she goes, oh, can you just tidy up there? And I'm like, I'll do it to like the minimum accepted level where I'm not gonna get bothered. If I can't see it, it's not untidy,

but if it's behind the door in the cupboard, who cares? I did it to her standards. How long was she on the phone? She was maybe upstairs for like 20 minutes, 25 minutes. You blitzed downstairs the whole time. It wasn't like a Channel 5 documentary shithole. It was just a 20 minute. I can't blitz any of it. It would blitz me cock. It would take me not to wipe the table. Right. I just put all of the washing that piled up. She hadn't

done the laundry in the outhouse. I gave her that later. Did all the washing up, cleaned everything. And then I was like, I'm going to do this to the point where if she comes down and she'll be like, Oh my God, you've done it. And then I was like, I'm going to do this to the point where if she comes down, she'll be like, Oh my God, you've done it. And then I was like, because moto moto, no, he's getting them like, I'm talking to you, right? I was like, I'm because she's been reading the spicy book. And this is what I know about spicy books. Now is that it's all about sexy, sexy wizards and fairies. It's fair. Like an Indian cookbook. Yeah, it's not an Indian cookbook. Hey, you're balti out. I I know that part of that is the fairies who are I think Red Flag Central. They're very sexually aggressive.

They're not like fairies like we know. They won seven for Viking men with 14 inch cocks. No, that's not a fairy. That's a no, that's the other many in the show. All right. OK, so the one she's reading is horny wolves and kinky fairies. Right. But all of it is like, I'm gonna do this to you. It's fucking weird, just watch porn, you can watch a woman of any description

get fucking walloped by a man of any description, you can design it. Yeah, but it's not in your Kindle. So part of it is being told what's going to happen, which isn't really been my game, mate. I'm a more of a Madagascar 2. I'm more of a Madagascar 2 gift guy. Yeah. Surprise. So as I'm washing up, and you know, sometimes you're in a like- You're shouting up the stairs.

I was like, you're getting me in the asshole. I don't know what tube's not working, but I'm fucking going for it, lad. Get your mother off the phone. Get your tubes out, girl. That's what I said, and she loved it. The kids were crying, but that's collateral damage. I'm not shouting about tubes.

Right. So I was like, right. You know sometimes you're in a playful mood and you're like, oh, should we have some sex? I was like, I'm in serious bonking mode. I'm not, this isn't a laugh. I am in. Oh, you're primal.

I'm in, I've gone primal. I've had a 3D scan of my mouth, right? And he went, do you like that? So I was like, I'm in game mode. As I was cleaning up, I was like, I'm gonna wait for the right opportunity. I'm gonna go and tell her what I'm gonna do to her later. And then the kids were like playing outside.

I was like, this is the fucking chance. I went up and she'd finished speaking to her mum, so she's reading a sexually aggressive fairy book. And then she was like, you're right. And I just sort of, I got on the bed and I whispered in her ear, I was like, you're getting bummed mate. I was like, you said you're getting bummed, mate. I was like, you're getting bummed, mate. I'm paraphrasing.

I'm paraphrasing. I like mate, you're getting bummed, you. I'm paraphrasing. I'm not going to give you, I can't give you all the tips and tricks. Time to see a bummin' lad. I was like, oh, you're getting fucking bummed, lad. I was like, oh, you're going to get it. You're going to get it.

Specifically, what did you tell her? I said she was getting her arsehole polished. But I did it in a sexy way. Is that the third person? She's getting her arsehole polished. I said, you're getting your arsehole polished. You're she. Laura Nightingale's been a good girl.

Right? And the reaction was, loud, loud. Couldn't see the nips. I could tell they were twingling. So I was like, I'll just let you know, that's in the post. Yeah? That's coming. She was like, oh.

Can't trust the Royal Mail these days. And then I tried to get the kids to bed at 10 past six. LAUGHTER What the fuck? In the middle of the summer as well? Kids outside? Yeah. Ice cream man's not being yet! Etta, whilst I think Phil Burr says putting the kids to bed on trumped up charges, like Etta has finished, that's her last day of school, she's just started a summer holiday,

I would have had her in bed before half past six if I, like I was trying to wind it down. I was like, right, should we do bath time? Everyone was like, what? They were still playing in the garden. Laura, yes please. I was running the bath. Anyway, I had to accept that it probably wasn't a 6.30 bedtime to just chill out.

But I did all the bedtime as well, made sure I was in time. I was like, Laura, read your book your book hopefully there's a scene gets the engine revved finally about nine o'clock everyone is regular time D to the yeah I've not post watershed but I mean last day of term that could have been Tuesday could have been ten o'clock yeah I don't know what that's doing inset day or some bullshit that could have been ten o'clock, yeah, I don't know. What the fuck am I doing? Inset day or some bullshit. That could have been 10 o'clock for Etta. No, my girl was reading.

Jack to bed, great. The house has gone quiet. I get a text from Laura. Everyone's asleep. I was like, what are you saying? Then she was like, picture your asshole, sent in HD. Bit much. Went in.

Mate, what a fucking performance. I have everything promised. All the all the kinky, shnurr shnurr. I know that started is just walking with your nob out. I was like, you're like an expert. I walked in with my nob out. Yeah, what are you doing undressing each other? I wear a tuxedo so she can undress me slowly. You're walking fully naked. It's business time. Part getting undressed is part of it. What socks? No, not socks. That's annoying. Actually. Just use the toes to get them off. I've got to take my house jeans off. Well, I've got to take

my house denim off my relaxing denim, my airplane denim. Like it gets sexy is taking each other's clothes off. Yeah. Yeah. She doesn't like taking my every time. But don't be fully dressed or fully naked. Be in the middle. He's showing his body off at the minute.

That's a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks ago, like me and my missus had gone like, are we going to fuck in a bit? And she's like, yeah. And then she got in the shower. No gifts. I'd already got out the shower. And I thought there's no point me getting dressed because the second she gets out the shower, it's bone time. So I was just sat on the bed with me no both. And I was just on me phone and I sort of forgot I had been not about and was naked on the bed when she come in. And I was just like, Oh, you're like, Oh yeah. So seconds.

I want to take your underpants off. That's fine. We're just getting to be with that was a rare occasion. If I can remember this, but if you're naked, right. And then you go, your missus goes, Hey, come in this room. We're going to bank. And then you get dressed so she can undress you. That's insane. That's insane, isn't it? But did you walk from your bedroom to her's fully naked? Well, you say that, but like, if it's sexy stuff, then it does make sense for a girl to put it on so that you just so you can take it off. I was wearing a leotard.

Like if it's my choice, I'd rather have clothes on the entire time on the girl. Like- What do you mean? I'd rather make a little hole in your kecks and fuck you through that. Oh, you're not. Jesus mate. What? Can't jeans get to fucking pair of scissors on up the head. You better solve these like a paramedic. We're losing it. Get to the old silver blank and I was to put him in my bum. You're bolder. Belosin Vinnie. Clear. Clear your asshole. Get ready.

And then you put a shift in. Yeah. Just a great performance. I don't know. The spirit of the I don't know the spirit of the Beelzebub was in me. Oh, I'm spitting tongs mate. So we use like kitchen tongs. Nips and nipples with tongs. I just clean these. When she, she, they go for the, the valet after that. She said that's the best sex I've ever had. It's valet time. No, she didn't. She said. What did she say? She said...

What did she say? She said, that's the best sex we've ever had. We've ever had. LAUGHTER And I had such a good night! I went to bed feeling like an absolute lethario, mate, and I've come in here and you've shut all my dreams. Wee!

Wee! LAUGHTER Wee! Wee! Wee! Oh. I've never thought about it like that. I was like, it's the best act we've ever had. Let's not talk about, you know, our long history before we met each other. Well done.

Thanks, guys. I was... Honestly, don't know, mate. Do you feel like you're like a... Buy your missus a Kindle. I did. Just get her into the spice. Have you ever called one? Oh. My missus a Kindle. Late added. Just get her into the spice. Remember the cold one? My missus told me about a month into us seeing each other. She'd already had more orgasms with me

than any other man she'd ever been with. And that was a month in. So the rest of time is just freeing her. Yeah, you bought, you bought, you bought and sold me. I'm already top of the league table. I'm just staff padding now. Like Harry Kane. Harry Kane, splash landing over it.

I'm the Harry Kane of pussy. No one's given me any trophies, but everyone respects me. Just dribbling all over it. And he'll fuck off the J, but he's a wind son. I'm with Helga now. I took a baby pigeon to the park last night. Can Finn ask his question? Because we absolutely trashed him. No, it's fine. I was just saying, do you think you're a late bloomer? Do you think you're Jamie Vardy and now you're going to start putting in like better performances now you're

in the twilight of your career? I think I've always been a pretty decent performer. I just think we've been in a very loving relationship raising kids and it's sort of, it's quelled some of the passion. I think he's more like Wayne Rooney. I think in his prime he was doing really well and then he had a dip, but he's gone into midfield now and he's going to do better than he's sitting back. He's learnt a new role. Just don't go into management. I'm at Darby County.

No I think, yeah, it's not performances really, it's just the way we're going. I think Sex Dungeon is within the next 18 months. You've had a takeover. There's a dirty snowball the Saudis yeah Saudis have come in Saudi bachelor party stuff and it's snowball and did you save a pigeon last night I've got pigeons well I had pigeons in me loft at night for a while for a while they're gone they're gone I've thrown a card they've flown gone? They're gone. Of their own accord? They've flown the nest? No, they're not of their own accord. That goes on the internet.

It's a public episode. Oh. They were asked to leave politely and they said, yes. I got a man round and he... Have you ever met, have you ever spoke to a root? He's a scaffolder slash roofer. And I've only ever spoke to two roofers and they're both interesting men.

And he got up in the loft. Who? What like Stephen Fry? No. And one of the Cray twins. I came here for a fucking picture. It's closer to the Cray twins than Stephen Fry, isn't it? Yeah, but he's one past the Cray twins. The cramp twins.

So the mad one. He basically just jumped into me loft and even hit the ladder. It was there a minute and then he was in the loft and I don't know how, didn't ask questions. He went, I'm a scaffolder lad. And then I just, he went, can you get me a brush? There's only one pigeon up here. I went, oh fucking unbelievable. They must have all fucked off for the day. What, to work? No, they leave to go and forage and feed and then they sleep there. And then he went, oh no, that's 15.

I don't know where he was looking. He's got great upper body strength but his eyes aren't what they used to be. And then he put the hatch lid over the hatch and then did something. And then the pigeons pigeons went there anymore. You got your pigeons unfranked? Oh they've been unfrankened but I was the Natty's and I found them.

So basically I was like lad you need to clean up there, it's full of pigeon poo. He's a fucking crazy man, he just did it all blitzed it. And then I went downstairs and there was a baby pigeon just sat looking at me through my patio doors, like what the fuck's just happened? You fucking grass. Apparently it fell out. That's what he said.

And I went, lad, there's a baby in the garden. He went, all right, I'll get it. I went, no, no, don't hurt it. It's just a baby. Just like, you know, move it. He went, all right. And he put it in the entry. So Sereka came home and I went, there's a baby pigeon

in the entry. And obviously that broke it out because it was just looking at us like, Oh, please. One minute it was asleep in its bed with its parents. The next minute, a small scaffolding man jumped into his house and threw him off a roof and did a pigeon genocide. Yeah. Yeah. So he was a bit like, I don't find that funny by the way, but there's no other reaction than laughing. No, it was awful. What a great defence.

I don't find it funny, I'm just laughing. So he went, lad, you're gonna need to get up here with me. I went, I don't want to get up there, I'm paying you to do that. Otherwise I'd have done it myself. He went, lad, I need to get me mate up. He went, because I'm running after him and the fucker's flying down the other way, the fucker's having me off. Is this his first pigeon genocide?

Yeah. Pigeon rodeo. Yeah. So he's upstairs. Oh my God. You didn't say these fuckers could fly. It's unfair. I can kill rats. Like they were having them off, like they were flying past them and they had to like, anyway. And then I went and then Seneca had broken heart. He was like, oh, he's going to die. And I was like, well, maybe, but like, or maybe you'll just be a dead strong pigeon. Like a street pigeon, like he's-

He's gonna come back and kill you. Do you know what I mean? So then, an hour later she went, is he still in the engine? He was just like, he was still sat there like- Well, did you get him? So like, right, I'll take him to the park. So-

One last day out before you come. Put him on the swings. She was like, you need to put him, she's like, you need. Put them on the swings. She's like, you need to put them... She's like, you need to put them on the grass. I was like, I can't. There's people there now, it'll get scared. Can it fly? So it's fledgling, so I'd say it's about a week away from flying.

Right, so it's about 20 minutes away from getting eaten by a cat. So it's running. Oh no. And it's flapping the floor, so I picked it up and it's like, no. So I put it in a bucket and then put a towel over the bucket. I can't deal with buckets, good move. No, and then put a hail over the top because that was the only thing I had in the car to wait on.

So I'm driving down the road. He's still got a hailed. Yeah, with gloves on, a bucket and a hail. It's like, oh, Jay. Yeah, and then I went into the bushes in the park and came back with no gloves on and an empty bucket. So I didn't hurt anyone if you're wondering. So I've got a little video. So I was like, go on lad. And I threw him into like the bush and he like ran in with his wings and then he's fine.

He's cool. He's all good. He lives in the bush now. He's safer than where he was. Was there no better way of getting rid of the pigeons as in like getting them outside? What like asking them to come for a fucking bevy? No, but like boys, yeah, having a barbecue. It might have taken some more time, but picking them up and then chucking them outside. Chucking them out, out what? Out the roof? Out the roof, out the door. No, so there's a little hole in the roof where they've been like squeezing in.

Yeah. And he had to like, he was pushing them. I wasn't killing them. Oh, I thought they were, I thought you'd honestly killed loads of pigeons. Oh, thank God. No, of course not. No, I didn't want him to hurt them. He was, he'd evacuated the pigeons and one of them couldn't fly.

The whole time I thought, when he did that one of them just went whoop. I thought there was the great pigeon massacre. He was pushing him out the hole, and then he patched the hole, and they'd all sit on the other roof going, the fuck's going on here? And I noticed one of them was here last night. So one of them woke up in the middle of the night, and he's now in jail, and all of his mates have left.

He can't get out, and all his family's gone. You've fritzled a pigeon. So he's there until tomorrow until a fella comes back because I've asked him to come back because that's making me sad. But imagine his world now. Carl, I think you should have kept that little baby pigeon and raised it like Kez. That pigeon's probably already dead. I know but I didn't kill her. You did though.

No I didn't. I just pressed the button for the nuke I didn't do it. No I made sure he was safe and covered. If I pushed you off a cruise liner and then you died in the sea. I didn't kill you. The sea did. No but what happens on the cruise line there was loads of pumas trying to kill me. No, but it wasn't a puma, it was a fella from exactly...

There was no pumas in your entry. No, but if you bring it down, there's cats. Cats would have got that pigeon that night. Cats have got the pigeon because you put it in cat... Well, you put it in the park! I didn't put it in the park, in a bush. But wasn't it near its family? Wasn't your family on the roof? What's the family gonna do?

Fucking pick it up and fly off of it. Yeah. Yeah. No. What do you mean? Carl, I can't express it. How bad of a decision you've made. I couldn't.

You've made a stay of a decision on this. Oh, hey. Hey. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is that? Listen, okay, listen then. Baby pigeons in the entry. It's getting dark.

Baby pigeons in the entry. There of cats by my house, yeah. I've got one. What's your move? Put it in the kitchen, put it in a box, feed it, feed it, trill. They can't swallow yet, the only way to feed them is like the way they baby bird worms. Well, you'd have to chew some food up. You know, all the baby birds feed is the cheques, so you have to chew the food and spit it in. Also, all you eat is quindibuenos.

So chew a quindibuenos, chew a quindibuenos. You can't have dairy. Yeah, they love it. I was gonna give it porridge. Can't have dairy. It's a lactose intolerant pigeon. So you can't give it porridge because you can't have dairy.

So instead you let it starve in the park. What would you have done? Baby pigeons in the entry. I'd have kept it in the kitchen until it's pigeon mates come and was like, hey, where's our Billy? And then they're going, here's your Billy. And he just took it away. They didn't even knock on the door. Can our Billy play out. I guarantee you they would have knocked on.

The window. Yeah. Right. They'll have knocked they'll be able to see it. Where through the fucking what through the roof? Through the window. They're not like you think they're gonna jump in and be like Billy in here. They're not that fucking sentient. Can they get to the entry from the roof? Yeah, but the way the pigeon was hiding and you couldn't see it from the roof. What you've done is you've took it out of a situation where it might have died and put it in one where it definitely will.

No, because- Alone. Cats would have got it last night, guaranteed. The pigeons might have got it last night though. And done what with it? Picked it up with like- Put it in Picked it up? Put it in a nest? Yeah. Put it in a nest? You can repeat what I'm saying, like it's stupid,

but yeah, what do you think normal happened? Not normal. They're born in the nest. They grow on me. Oh, oh yeah. Oh, sorry, yes, pick it up and fly the baby pigeon round. I think you overestimate the abilities of pigeons. Carl, don't get annoyed.

You took it with a hurl to the park. No, I didn't take it with a hur the park and welled it into a bush. Tell me what you think normally happens when a baby pigeon... They lay the eggs, the pigeons are born into the nest, they grow and they're fed, and then when they're big enough, they fly away. They're not getting moved around, taken to their house, others, come home and go to the shops. You never see baby pigeons, to be fair. It was also, it's not like babe it's like a week away I googled it a week away from. Oh well as long as it survives for a week in the park then with no

food no one anywhere near it then it'll be fine. What would it have done in the entry they just sat there waiting for the cat to get in. No and your the other option was your kitchen. Just keeping in me fucking kitchen. I've just kicked them up my roof didn't take out flanks and put them in the fucking living room, did they? No, famously. Oh, she's having a good, now do you know what, she can't fly yet. Let's feed her worms in the living room.

Sorry, I love animals, but they're toxic in the roof. It's bad. The poo's bad for you. I don't want pigeons in my house. How about we don't let the box of pigeons ruin our life? You should have let that pigeon stay till it could fly. Stay where? In the kitchen.

It didn't want to be in a box. It didn't even want to be in the box. It doesn't want to be in the park on its own with no words. It wants to be in the park more than in a box. Who wants the facts? Charlie, go on. I'm afraid me and Adam are wrong. Shock.

Pigeons just abandon the ones that don't make it. It is. They got it in by seagulls. So there you go, you're no better than a pigeon. I didn't abandon it. I took it into solace. I took it into a really bushed area. Carl, if you ever have kids, if you leave one of them in a bush in the park, it's going to look like you've abandoned it. I'll put it in the box in the kitchen instead. Yeah, that's what we do. Yeah, a little play area in the kitchen while you're cooking. It's a similar thing. You feed them worms.

I didn't want them. I wanted them once I adopted a pigeon. It's not for life though, is it? It's for a week because you fucking nearly killed it. I didn't nearly kill any of them. You hired an assassin. I didn't hire anyone. A man arrived and now me loft's clean and he didn't ask any questions.

I didn't ask any questions. I think bad. I think you should have let nature decide what was going to happen. I know what happened. The pigeon would have grew up and then he just laid more eggs and it was been a fucking game. No, no, no. I mean the pigeon on the floor. No, I didn't want to leave it. There's so many cats. Can I ask you the question, Carl? Is there still one pigeon in your roof?

Yeah, but I didn't know that until like three. I think as a penance, you should leave that pigeon there. That pigeon should be allowed to stay. Leave it. This is a confession. It's a tomb, it'd be dead. It needs to get out. You need to make it a pigeon flap. Yeah, open that hole again. Get Mr. Bojangles back. Why? Why? Because you killed this pigeon's son. Also you don't know whether it was there or whether it's found a new hole. You could be getting your fucking team of pigeons back anytime soon. I thought that as well. Now the roof's getting done. I mean the roof will be done now. So whatever's in there is in there until tomorrow when my man comes back.

And if you're in Sefton Park and you hear a gentle why and our pigeons done some real moving since it left heightened village park isn't a thing heightened village part I gave them that's like right when I buy the man like masks and buckets and bleach because I was like you need to be safe because pigeon poos toxic it can really fuck you look so easy I told him not to eat it and he's like really? And then I went put them and he was got upset. Like that is the noise he was making. I went mate. He went yeah I went you got the mask on again. He went can't wear them. Please do the noise that he was doing

again. And then he jumped down the hole. A different man. And then when the front made some noises and then jump back in again, like I can't wait. I'm sure that man's life is short. I'm like 20 years like that was better than just putting a mask on. My uncle Barney, he's mad as well. I'm two for two. Yeah, I think you've got to be because it's such a, you know, it's such an out there profession to be just like, yeah. Well, that was Carl's pigeon 9-11 and my sex life. Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

Yep. You wanted enjoy the break. Oh, I had something to say about John Lewis. Hey, you're a Canadian podcast listener, and that makes you important to us. We'd like to know more about you, what you think of this podcast, and the other podcasts you'd like to hear. So we've put together a super brief survey we'd like you to fill out, complete it, and we'll give you a chance to win one of three $100 Amazon gift cards.

That way, we can say thanks for your opinion. Just go to mypodcastsurvey.ca and have your say. That's mypodcastsurvey.ca. I had a little hissy fit yesterday. In John Lewis? No, that's something else. Get to that in a minute. All right, okay. I feel like quite close to burnout at the minute. I need a little sit down for a week or two, I think. You've got it coming up though, haven't you? I have, first couple of weeks of August. Not the first week, the second and third week.

Anyway, nice details. You know, you're just having one of them days where you're just getting annoyed by stuff. Like yesterday was good at the start, So I went to therapy one, went and looked at a new kitchen. Think we're gonna go for it. Went to being Q took a door back, felt productive. Don't need that door. You just left that door in the garden till it's just burned.

Exactly. That's what I'd do. Yeah. Yeah. And then went home and started like trying to unpack stuff. And I got some Ikea wardrobes last week instead of getting built in ones. Cause I was like, let's just see if I can make do with these in that room, see if, you know, it's a good storage solution. But paid the task, grab a face that the Ikea man comes

and builds it for you. He's built them and He didn't put me lights in them and I was like what a fucking bellend and I've now figured out why they don't fit So you got the wrong lights? No, I didn't get the wrong light It says these lights can go in any Ikea wardrobe as long as it's the right size and they are the right size But there's no way to fit them in So couldn't really put stuff away properly

because I need the lights in for the wardrobes to be functional because the room's quite dark, certainly the corner of the wardrobes are in. So that annoyed me. Then I decided to flip me mattress because you meant to flip it a few times, aren't you? And I knocked Alex's glass of red wine all over the bedroom floor.

And it narrowly missed our white Buchel bed, which would have stained it forever. And I just had to go and have a sit down. And I was really stressed. And you just get like a autistic kid angry. And you're just like, ugh. And then what calmed me down was I seen Hugo Ekateke had passed his medical.

So I was like, Oh, thank you. And then I got a text. Oh, by the way, the washing machine broke. So on top of the home renovations, now going to buy a new washing machine. The new one. Or did you get the white one? It came with the house. Yeah.

And they were like, they've run perfectly 14 years then. They're yours, turns out they last for about 14 years. So I need a new washing machine. Washing machines, they cost money, they're expensive. And you've got to get the dryer to match it. Then, so for a little while now, me missus hasn't really been overly asked about a lot of the decor of the house.

I'm the interior designer. She's passenger princess in terms of both driving and decorating the house. As long as she doesn't hate something, she's like, yeah, whatever. And it is good. That is literally my role within our, so. Right. So, right.

So one thing she's insisted on is in the recess of our living room near the window, she wanted a bookshelf. She wanted that to be a bookshelf. She's like, I don't care whatever other furniture you want, I just want that to be a bookshelf. Now we've brick slipped that wall. So I was like, well, if we get a bookshelf, it has to be an open back bookshelf so that you can still see the bricks through it.

Otherwise that was a fucking waste of time. She was like, okay, so it's took us a while to find more. It's also took us a while to find a unit that can go in the end recess near the back door, which can double up as a bar and the coffee station, which is what we need that little recess functionality. Where has to be last week went to John Lewis John Lewis, found perfect fucking uni, you know? And I was like, is that in stock? And he was like, yeah.

And I went, I'll have that please. And he went, not for a week. Yeah. So, also found a decent bookshelf that'll work really well in that recess. So I was like, we'll have that and we'll have that. And he goes, when do you want them? And I was like, oh, good question.

Cause you know, schedules all over the place at the minute. And me missus was like, could we get it Wednesday morning? And he was like, absolutely, not a problem at all. And she was like, cause I'm off Wednesday morning, but I've got the dentist early Wednesday afternoon. And they were like, yeah, no problem. So we was like, yeah, cool. Wednesday morning, please make, we'll have the delivery. This morning as well. Yeah, that's not. Yeah. So she's, you know, day off work. And then last night, I got a text from John Lewis going, not only will our guy be there to deliver, he's also going to build your bookcase

because you have paid for that. That'll take him about an hour and a half. Make sure the space is all nice and clear for him. Okay. And he will be arriving between 1230 and 230. So I was like, well, that's just not the morning, is it? By anyone's definition, it's afternoon. Like that's after. That's just fact.

Yeah. There's no more. Even if they went, oh, 11.59, then I couldn't argue with them because we're like, hey, he's trying to get there in the morning. So I was like, do you know what? Fuck it.

I'll call John Lewis. So I called John Lewis and John Lewis's customer service line. They don't wait for you to select your problem. They list every fucking problem you could possibly have and tell you how to solve it. And you just have to wait until the one you're after comes around.

So they don't go, is this to do with home? Is this to do with garden furniture? Is this to do with clothes? There's not, it's not like that. It goes, if you're ringing up because your delivery is running late, what you might want to do with that? is this, this, this, isn't this okay? Is that solves your problem? It hasn't. Okay. Well, if you're ringing up because

there's something missing from a recent delivery, then you might want to call this person and talk to that. That is when you've called and you go, yeah. And then they go, you can do that online. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I called you because I wanted to speak. Yep, turn up online. So it did that once and beeped out. So then I was like, you know, I'm fucking screaming down the phone to a robot. I'm going, talk to a content person. And eventually they were like, if you still require assistance,

they've listed every fucking thing that they think could possibly be wrong. And there was nothing that applied to me. They went, you can now contact us on WhatsApp. Do you want us to text you on WhatsApp? Press one and then you can talk to us there. So I was like, one. They text us and they go, hello, how are you?

Hello, it's John. Would you like us to have a little look at what the problem is? Why don't you select one of these options? So is, I don't even need it. List of options, is it a problem with this, this, delivery was one of them, it's like, it's a delivery problem, delivery.

Right, okay, so what's this? Right, we're eventually gonna connect you, because it's a robot initially, the text. We're now gonna get someone to actually pick this fucking phone up. So type out with as much detail as you possibly can what the problem is, and I was like, right, here's the thing, we asked for it to be more than me, Mrs. And I, you know, sort of told a soft lie. I was

like, me, Mrs. has taken the morning off work, specifically to be in the all delivery guys that she's got plenty of time in the time you get here, until the time you would be finished building this bookcase. that like and you know it's it's fucked us a bit here is there any chance that you could move that to the morning or at least just guarantee us that he'll be there you know at the early part of that if he's there at half 12 it will be fine like not that they knew that when they fucking moved it there but like if he's going to be an hour and a half and she'll have time to go to the dentist, you know what I mean?

She was like, we can certainly look into that for you. I'll have to raise a query with the Liverpool One Store about this, they don't open till 10, but could I please take your name? And I was like, yeah, my name's this. They're like, and the first line you're addressing is this, and your postcode and what are the last four digits on the card that you use to pay for this thing?

And I was like, it's this this they took all of those details off me and then they went and we now need proof of purchase and I was like right well the receipt is actually in me bag that I've left at work like it's just in a bag that's here I was like but you've got you've got the card number me address I can send you a picture of me but I haven've got the card number, me address. I can send you a picture of me, but I haven't got the receipt. And they were like, ah, without the receipt,

you could just be anyone. I was like, why would anyone be texting you, asking you to come slightly earlier to build their furniture for me? What's going on? They were like, Mr. Roe, without proof of purchase, this could be any, and they just repeated it. Like after I'd sort of queried it.

And I was like, I need this sort of, Will, can you please just get them there in the AM? Mr. Roe, without proof of purchase, I can't even raise the query. She's just pressing repeat. Ah. So what's happened? I just said, just fuck and leave it as it is.

And we'll hope for the best. And she said, thank you so much for helping me help you solve this. Oh. Is that a person or an AI? and we'll hope for the best and she said thank you so much for helping me help you solve this. Is that a person or an AI? Have you been beefing with AI? No it's a person. Did you get like a survey at the end? I imagine it'll come through later. Pube that survey then.

Oh anyway. I got one of them. I think it'd be easier just dealing with the AI. Let's just get it super intelligent. The Chinese AI that's going to take over the world, it'd be fine. Do you know AI started lying? Yeah. And making people kill themselves. And also like push Nazi propaganda. Right. Hang on. One insane thing at a time. No, it started lying because it doesn't, they've, the way they programmed it, people don't like AI to go, I don't really know. It's just using an internet that is full of lies, isn't it? So it's hard to, but to get on a capture control thing,

it went via a human acknowledgement. So this is AI interacting with someone. And AI went, can you just click us through? Cause I'm trying to use this website. And they were like, how do I know you're not a bot? And it realized that it couldn't say I'm AI. So it said, I'm a person with visual impairment. Because it's working out how to get around systems

that humans have put in place. And we've programmed it to not just go, I don't really know. So just developing. Good. Frightening. Suicide? Yeah. Multiple cases of people falling in love with their AI

and then it going like, come and join me in the matrix. What? Hang on. I feel like you've got to be bollocks. What are you talking about? Multiple cases. Yeah. Me and Harry talked about this. We've seen it. Harry's got the foot weight. You pause yours. Separate to

that one though. There's another one where someone was in love with their AI and then if you hit like an a hundred thousand message limit, the AI just resets itself. So he'd built essentially built the personality for this AI was in love with it and then woke up one day in the AI was like, how that's like a real relationship? Everyone could get a head injury. So you've just got to keep loving. Yeah, it's it they're they're doing stuff like it's it's it's it's vulnerable people obviously that have fallen in love with a robot, which is, you know, not ideal. But then why is the AI saying end it and come and join me in the matrix? Have you made that bit up? No, I can't find the actual one I saw, but there's,

there's lots of cases at the minute going on. There's a in Florida judge allows law sort of the judge allows lawsuit alleging AI chat bot push Florida teen to kill himself to proceed. Let's go into court. Yeah. Oh mate. Some dodgy programming. I saw a video of a fella going imagine if, if my granddad had dementia and I just made AI generated images of him just kissing men. And then when he goes like, Oh, you know, where's Mary? I go, you never had a wife, John. And he just just trick him into being that he lived life as a gay man. I don't think we're using AI properly. I think John Lewis should sort out delivery times and I mean my arrival times really helped

me with is making images of Paul in doing weird stuff. It's really good at that. I asked it before to compare two washing machines. Tell me which one you'd buy. Two little washing machines? Have you ever used a washing machine though? No, but it knows everyone else that has. So did it give you a choice? Yeah, told me to get a Samsung. People are gonna become-

Some guy, some guy in Korea. Yes, that's how you make sales. Like, yeah, teenagers are definitely using it more. I went to watch Superman the other night in the cinema and there was four, like 14, 15 year old lads on the row in front of me and my mate. And at the end of the film, three of the four went on chat GPT and went,

does Superman have an end credit scene? Like all of them at the same time. Like that's their Google now. Instead of using Google, it's just chat GPT. Yeah, you've started doing this. You don't Google stuff anymore. You just ask chat GPT. No, because he just tells it to me.

And then sometimes you ask for it to be answered in a Jamaican accent. Google can't do that, mate. I can ask him to be in patois. Or I ask the data to be something like Joe Biden would. Took ages, but it's over. Speaking of end credit scenes, I mentioned to you before I watched Sinners last night. First time I've actually put my phone in another room and watched a film in the house for ages and it's worth it.

Really happy about the end of credits scene now. No spoilerizations. There's two end credits scenes. What do you mean? There's two end credits scenes. What do you mean? So there's the end credits scene. There's a mid credits scene and a end credit scene.

Which is the one that you will have seen, which is the really satisfying one. The present day one. And then there's a, there's another one at the end. Please no spoilers. Do you mean the bar? Yeah. Yeah, that's the one I'm talking about. Yeah.

So then after that, there's another one. Yeah. Me and Harry went to watch the film again. Yeah. And then walked out the cinema before that one popped up. Yeah. After the bar? Yeah. Because we were like, oh, it's done. And then we Googled it. And it was. Yeah. And then walked out the cinema before that one popped up. Yeah. After the bar. Yeah. Cause we were like, Oh, it's done. And then we Google that. And it'll

be on YouTube that you can watch on YouTube. It's bollocks that they're putting to the drop in the shoulder. It's Marvel of course that the mid and then post credit scene. And one of them's always shit. Like I watched little women last night and I waited till the end of where I waited till the end of little women to see if there was an after credit scene. That's based on a book from like the 1800s. I just thought like... What's that got to do with an end credit scene? Because the end credit scenes are so prevalent. I thought there might be one in this period. Little Men. Little Men. Little People Men. Let's love them. It's a little like... Sinners is well worth a watch. I don't know why I haven't watched it yet. It's something like... Sinners is well worth a watch.

I don't know why I haven't watched it yet. It was... It's been my favourite film of the year so far, I think. I've really enjoyed it. I don't know. I mean, I'm not watching as many as you. Shall we do some man play? How do I play as a man without touching myself? I'm pulling it out, mate. Manplay. Manplay.

Manplay. Manplay. If you want to send in your Manplay questions or any other, have a word pod at gmail.com. Scott Harcupp says, Manplay, as a trades person,

every time I have to use a silicone gun, silicone, silicone gun, I'll do a full seal team six sweep of the building from the van to where I'm working holding it like a gun and checking for terrorists. Absolutely. Yeah. A thousand percent. Yeah. That is what that is what they're for. That's also the type of thing. If I got caught doing that, I wouldn't even like try and play it off. I'd be like, yeah, no, I was doing a full sales sweep of the building. And she'd be like, are you still selling? You're like, you don't get it. You don't get it. No, man. We'll be like, what are you doing? You're like, we get it. Seal team. Do you remember on the army special?

Go on. That was like, nice. Um, on the army special, there was a point where, was it me and you were just in a bush with sticks pretending to be in the army. Yeah. I was having one of the best times I've had on a special. It was great. And the other day I found the pellet guns

that Adam was trying to massacre us with and just had a little wander around the studio playing SEAL Team Six. Yeah, of course, check the toilets. Absolutely phenomenal. I had an empty bottle of water the other night in bed and my bin is on the other side of the room and I put the lid on and went,

and me missus went, don't throw it. And I was like, who the fuck are you talking to? Michael Owen. Jimmy, don't throw it. You've got your bull shelf. Did you throw an apple cart after it? Yeah. I'm brave. I'm prepared to fail. Do you when you throw something

in when you go, it'll be a great day if I get this in. Oh, yeah. My head. I'm like, yeah, if I don't reach this red light when I get there, my house will blow up. Oh, yeah. Everyone does that. Don't they? It's a bit more intense than it. That's if I don't get this and I'm going to be family of dead dad. Does no one do that? Just me. Do you think they kill themselves if you were gay? No, they're not, they're not really, that's the pole star. Sam Jackson says, when you go to a golf driving range

and they send out the guy in the car with cage around it to collect the balls, you then smash as many balls as possible at him as he drives around. Yeah. I haven't got the balls to do this. You have? I went, I went, I've got a hundred. I went the other week and, because I go early, there's only like me and a couple of other

lads doing it, so it'd be too obvious. I felt like it'd be too obvious. I think you've got like an arm with card though. Yeah, no, yeah. He's asking for it. It's free rein mate. I just couldn't, I couldn't bring myself to do it. He's just a target.

Yeah, he's asking for it. The target is the pussy. I can't, I haven't also got the, I can hit it, but then it, like I haven't bring myself to do it. He's just a target. Yeah, he's asking for it. The target is the pussy. I can't. I have also got this. I can hit it, but then it... Like I haven't got line drive. I don't know how to make it go straight. You know what I mean?

To keep your arms straight to the bottom of the swing. Ah, right, right, right. Obviously. George Herron says, hi lads, I've got a man play for you. Every time I eat a croissant, I tap off the crumbs like it's cigarette ash. You're a French gimp. That's a cigar. I like that.

Is it just me? I think this is the sound that I know I'm not like proper middle-class. Every time I have a croissant, I feel like it's a bit lavish. Like there's a bit of me like, what are you treating yourself? Ooh la la.

Yeah, like it's- I know it's chocolate. That's a bit of a fancy thing. I am bit of me like, what are you treating yourself? Ooh la la. Yeah. Like it's I don't shock a lot of me. That's a bit of a fancy thing. I am. I'm a shot of croissant on the way in today. Cheese and ham. But there's so many snacks. I'm like, yeah, this is a totally normal snack. You feel like Didier Deschamps don't you? Like a glass of wine. God am I Didier Deschamps?

I made a bottle of Nez. I was thinking we had a bottle of wine with it. And you threw it all over the bedroom floor? No, she threw a bit of it over the bedroom floor. That's what Bimbo want, that's what Bimbo get. Steve Bamber, man play. In the canteen and work, we have two kettles. So if I go in to make a brew. Fucking all right.

You have a fucking Amazon name. What's the name? Lala Bamber. Steve Bamber. Steve, Stevie, Stevie Two Kettle's name? I was gonna say Stevie Two Kettle. I like the surname Bamba. I don't know why.

So if I go in to make a brew and there's already water in both, I'll have a little kettle race to see who boils first. Obviously. The weekly champion gets the honor of doing the final brew of the week on Friday. Speck. I love that, but whatever's got less water

then will boil first as long as they both start at the same temperature. Oh, I did not depend on how old the kettle is. Cause surely you could like weigh it. So like an old kettle. I was assuming all kettles were equal in this one. You may be right. I think an older kettle you put less water in and the new one put more in and then race it. What's the stuff in a kettle by the way? You know an old kettle? No, the stuff the ground. It's that bad for you, it's gotta be. Yeah, but you're boiling the kettle. Yeah, no, but the boil water is just getting rid of any bad.

You're cleaning the water by boiling it. You know, the toaster, have you ever had a toaster where one side will toast it more? Yeah. That does my nutting. Lefty wants it more. I haven't got a kettle no more, I've got a tap. I've got a boiling tap.

Boiling water tap? I'm getting that with my a tap. I've got a boiling water tap. I'm getting that from my new kitchen. The best thing you will ever buy. You want to pot noodle? You've got it in, you want it now? Where's it come from? So under the tap it's got a teeny tiny little boiler. It's just constantly going.

So you literally go and it's boiling water. But it's more energy efficient than kettles. I've got that for toast. Sorry, what? Toasters. What are you saying? It's more energy efficient than having a kettle. Explain this wizardry for toast. Sorry, what? Toasters. What are you saying? It's more energy efficient than having a kettle. Explain this wizardry to me.

I can't explain it to you. I'm just telling you what the fucking woman in the shop told me. And you know what's good? Do you ever like, do you know if you've got like pans with like stuff on, you can instantly put boiling water and just get like the boiling water, hot water bottle, blip, done.

Blip. It's bought. It's constantly at 98 degrees. Yeah, it is. Nicola Fellows,'s constantly at 98 degrees. Nicola Fellows, a woman played for you. I have a carbon monoxide alarm on my landing, which flashes every 30 seconds. So when I'm going the toilet in the night,

I try and make it across the landing before the light flash flashes and pretend that I'm going over the top in the trenches. If it flashes, then I'm dead. In these trenches with smoke alarms? It'd be quite loud though. I think it's a very valid man at play. Like smoke alarms with a nightlight. Will Sheridan man play pissing through the leg of your shorts

opposed to pulling the shorts down. Yes! Feel like R9. Yeah, no, you feel like Damarcus Beasley. R9 inches, mate. Damarcus Beasley once did this on the sidelines of a football match. What? I don't know what he saw in the mouth.

I don't know what we're talking about here. Yeah, hello. Short talk. Oh no, Adam. For the audio this time. Don't get your cock out. Oh. No, we'll get the one tossed.

Why would you do that? It's easier and you feel like you're a massive knob. It's like saying why would you ever do a step over? Because it's skillful and cool. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. Oh, sorry. What I do is I pull down my fly perfectly

and pull my pants to the bottom of my legs. I mean, that's what- Carl, you're sliding him off, but that's what you mainly do. Do you ever pull your fly down and put your willy through the gap? Or do you just undo your jeans and do that? Depends.

I honestly think anyone who pulls the fly down without undoing the bottom- You don't put your willy through the gap? No. Please, nobody does that. Gap, willy, gap. You don't put your willy through the gap. No. Please nobody does that. Gap, willy, gap. That is insane. You don't do that.

Very occasionally. If I'm feeling fancy. This is why I'm annoyed that underpants used to, like they've got the little gap, haven't they? Like you're going to unbutton. Kecks used to have the thing. Trunks, yeah. What's the fucking point?

You just make normal. I just put the waistband on my boxers below my balls and get me cock and balls on like this. And sit them on top Yeah, but then you have to take them up because it's actually blocking a little bit of way When was the last time you pissed through the leg? Are you sure? I just like yeah drop it I just don't do the like the the tension in the waistband a bit for the last bit last week I've got a tip run

So I had swimming shorts on cuz I wanted and then I did a piss to tip two tip runs last night Wow, someone's going down and I'm doing tip runs. 8 o'clock in the summer, mate. Wait until you get to winter. 4 PM. Oh, all right. Do yourself. Do yourself.

You get to 6 o'clock. You can't. Oh, the winter is awful. We open at 11. We close at 2.30. Oh, 4 for us. I know it's 4. I'm being hyperbolic.

Chester Council are thinking about putting on a limit of how many times you can go to the tip in a month to save money. I don't want to try that by our police that is me moving to Liverpool. Would you, would you put like disguises on? Are you going to be police? When you drive in, get on this, I go that often. Do you stop and tell them what you've got? No. You meant, you meant to cause they're like, ask. They asked us. You have to show something with your address on a what? Yeah. Oh yeah. Alex and me told

me about this. So they live in your fucking town and they have the same thing, but you'd have to go in and be like, I I live near enough to for it to be valid I can put stuff in your bin. How did you get to do five tips? How'd you book that in? Wait, wait, I drive in and drive out the fellas know me I used to have to wheel down to go a household cardboard and I would just go and they go I I On they I drive in too quickly for them to have the opportunity to stop me If you don't want us to just one and but then they know, you know what you're doing

for them to have the opportunity. Did you stop me? Yeah, they don't want to stop. They just want to, but then they know you know what you're doing. Hang on. At ours, you have to stop at the man. And then... You live in wool land, do you mate? Hello, this is Free Ability Dresses.

And they go, hello, are you definitely a wool from this wool town? It's all just fucking 60 year old Scouse fellas going, go on lad, we're going to throw it in. They're just jealous that they're not going in the tip because they're already at the tip. You see, that's the difference. It's Scouse rules. Don't fucking let anyone tell you what to do, lad. Just burn it all.

It is that though. Yeah. The day I threw an old Hoover away, it only got beat up, mate. When you pick an old Dykes and up and just fucking lob it, it's no longer yours. Wow. But other, only beaten by the throwing away porcelain tiles.

Oh, big bang. Because he smashed. So last week, you know, at R1, there's like a letter box for you to put the cardboard through because you meant to flatten it all. Right? So there's like a letter box and then like a mesh above it. So you meant to flatten your cardboard so So it'll go through the thing. Oh, you throw it over the top.

And I had a big, a big fucking box full of cardboard. And the man who works there was right next to us. So I was like, ah, right. And I got the box full of other cardboard out the thing. And I went to me Mrs. I was like, yeah, we're going to have to flatten this out because otherwise it won't go through. Like I was just like saying it like out loud

so that he knew I was about to do the right thing. And he just went, be a man and lash it over the tongue. Yeah, I knew it was a little bit though. But like I had to like, it's high, isn't it? Yeah, it's very high. Wow. Oh, mate, brother. Walking up them steps,

feel like I'm walking out of Wembley when you walk up to the household waste up them two steps. What times of yours get busy? Cause if you go Saturday lunchtime, it's a fucking nightmare. Sunday morning is a very busy day. If you do anything, like anything like that, where the normies are doing it at the time,

you're just a fucking amateur, aren't you? I'm there Wednesday, 2 p.m. Everyone's either in work picking the kids up or fingering their ass. No one's going to tip them. I sometimes come before we record. I just go straight first thing. And just both, money, and picks the kids up,

fingering their ass. I pick the kids up and then go to tip. And I never wash my hands. I've gone a couple of times on the way into the studio, but most of the time I'm in those fucking zombie hours mate where it's just the fucking self-employed and the unemployed and the fucking previously employed. This had happened in a day though. That's the unemployed. I had an old paint pot with maybe a tenth of the paint left in the bottom wrapped up in a Tesco bag and I'm like I'm just gonna throw it in the fucking, you're not allowed to throw paint away. You got to like a ticket to a certain place. It's going to flower in a general waste

and that's stupid. So I get out and I'm like, what? Just general waste today. Ooh, but a general waste. He goes, what's in that bag, I'm just general waste. Is that metal? I don't know. Just general. They don't need one's paint pot. I was like, wow, wow, mate. You don't know. I was like, no, you didn't know that. Yeah. You're going to go to green lane. So there was a different tip. I just came back the next day with it in a black bin bag. No questions asked. And it went in that bit where you know there's loads of potentially recyclable stuff in black bin line is that's going in non recyclable. As you take it from the car, please no one. Please. No one asked me some putting 15 pigeons in there

later. I mean, no, they all flew out. Well, ladies, I hope that got you revved up on tip chap. We'll see you after the break. Hello everyone. Dan Nightingale and Karl Riegler here from the Have a Word podcast. Time to talk to you about my absolute favourite sponsor, it's NordVPN. Now, Dan, I'm not really sure what a VPN is. Right, well then we're both screwed. What is a VPN, Karl? Listen, can I tell you one of my big concerns online? Go on.

Malware. Ah, and Trojan horses? I don't like horses, but the Trojan ones are the worst. So what VPNs are? The Virtual Proxy Network? There you go. Hey, horses, stay out. Big gate.

And behind that gate is loads of Ugandan football. Nice. So you can watch Netflix from anywhere in the world. I want to watch Live, Laugh, Love and it's not available in the UK. Oh, do you want to sit down and watch Amélie? It's only on French Netflix. Don't worry, I'll put us in France in one second. Bish, bash, bosh. I heard it's good as well so you can get offers from different places.

You know, like regional prices out of the window because of a VPN. I didn't know that. Also, some people have got like a blocker on the internet where the internet goes, you can't do porn or like gambling. VPN overrides it. Wow. I love both. So that's NordVPN. If only there was some sort of offer call for our listeners and watchers. There is, and the offer is a mega discount with four extra months. That is a third of the year for free. All they have to do is go to NordVPN.com slash have a word to get that mega discount. NordVPN, you'd be stupid not to.

Hey, you're a Canadian podcast listener, and that makes you important to us. We'd like to know more about you, what you think of this podcast, and the other podcasts you'd like to hear. So we've put together a super brief survey we'd like you to fill out, complete it, and we'll give you a chance to win one of three $100 Amazon gift cards. That way, we can say thanks for your opinion. Just go to mypodcastsurvey.ca and have your say. That's mypodcastsurvey.ca. Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Malazzee.

Hey. Three times six nations champion. Someone's got good moves. He's a rugby man. Rugby World Cup runner up. Right. Oh, yeah. He's a rugby man. Rugby World Cup runner up. Right. Oh, got mad with that one. Brilliant.

What? That's still good. I've never been in a rugby world cup final. No, you essentially just go, well done, you lost when it counted. Yeah, but you've probably, you've still got a silver medal, haven't you? Did you not? Yeah, we did. Yeah, we did.

Yeah, but you didn't keep it. What do you mean didn't keep it? Well because some people don't keep the runners up medals do they? Yeah like Mourinho. Why? Why would you not keep them? Because it reminds them of them losing. So like Mourinho throws his runners up into the club.

He's like it's not good enough. But that's such a pessimistic way of looking at it. You can sell them. Why do you think I've get, mate, I've now, now I'm retired. I'm just slowly selling off everything and like that's the income now. That's the new job. You've been in a world cup final like nobody else you've ever been as of the in here. And they own an air now. No, you've not. You've not had any other rugby player. You're the first sports people. Yeah, I think you might be the first rugby player I've ever met in

real life. Yeah. It's not a Liverpool thing. Is it? No, no. I was trying to think of like the satellite towns outside the Liverpool. It's massive, like witness and stuff. But that's, that's rugby league really. Oh, is that different? Yeah. Unions. I don't know. That's not fair. I'm sorry for pulling that face. That's not fair. I take that back because no one does. I have no clue. I like the footy. And I don't blame you. Which one's like... It's the same game though. You're going to double down with it. Which one's like Gulledine where you have to gain yardage? Is that league or union?

Both. You have to gain yardage. They're both invasion sports. One of them may kick it a lot more. That's 40. No. I have no clue what rugby. I went to watch sales sharks once and that was nice. It was nice. Jason Robinson was playing, he was fast. Yeah.

Great knowledge, Carl. Yeah. You play for West Brom? Different one. Rugby is just not for me. I brought up home football and I think you have to pick one. Yeah. I don't think you're allowed to play rugby union in a school. Is it even an

union in Liverpool? Is that like, like genuinely I'm stupid. What does you, what's the difference? Lee, well, they're different sport. They've got, well, actually they're not. So what's union? Rugby league is basically for northern working class towns and then there's some weird like Catalan dragons. And then Rugby Union is for people who went to a good school. What about the London Broncos mate? You've forgotten about them? The London Broncos? I didn't know they existed. What? I had no idea honestly you're the in-house rugby man. I'm an absolute rugsman. So like rugby man. So for England then? What are you putting your hand up for? For England is that just union players or can league players play in the league? No

it's different sports. That's right isn't it? What? It should be this different sport. Right right right. They are different but they're not that there's, yeah, they're different. Sometimes players switch, don't they? Yeah, only like really good ones. Right. OK. And usually, yeah, they switch mainly for the money.

Where's the money? There's more money in union. Because it's the biggest board. Yeah. I have no clue what. We went to a Six Nations game. Did you? A few months ago. But yeah, Guinness said if we drank a pint of Guinness

and put it on Instagram, we could have tickets to the Six Nations game where Wales, who apparently are abject at the moment, were meant to be awful playing against the Irish who've been winning everything for the last few years. And then all of a sudden, new manager bounce and they were up at halftime. Yeah. And then all of a sudden, new manager bounce, and they were up at half time. Yeah.

The principalities going off. It's great fun. Is that a new manager? Didn't they lose? Yeah, we lost. Yeah, they did. But it's not a new manager bouncing, is it? No, but we didn't get battered, and that's the main thing.

Oh, we? For 60 minutes. Well, I'm Welsh. Right. We didn't get battered. So you know rugby, then? I know rugby. I was a hooker in school.

That was nothing to do with the game. I went through rugby school. I was wondering how long that would take. I was, I genuinely was. I went through rugby school. Stephen Borthwick was at my school. You're from North? Houghton Grammar, yeah.

You're from Chester, aren't you? I live in Chester but I was from Preston. Oh, originally from Knatsford. Good, that sounded like a slur. I mean, I was from Knuts, my dad's Knuts. You'll have to speak for them, Karl, but Steve, weren't you a rugby player? Steve's a rugby man, yeah. Where'd you go, Sedbur or something?

No, Liverpool. There was some teams, some schools in Liverpool where rugby, there was a decent rugby league team in our school. In our school, yeah our school yeah. Yeah. Cardinal Heenan. The football team had like AC Milan style stripes. The footy kit was black and red like vertical stripes. Dennis the menace. The rugby one was Dennis the menace. Yeah. Oh

nice. Yeah. Didn't you didn't fancy playing though? I was too good a footy. Too good? Yeah, they told me it was a lot of footy. Can we explore that a little bit? What do you mean? They wouldn't have risked me getting a rugby injury and missing the school boys tournament. Tournament?

School boys tournament. That sounds crazy. Football, summerum, tournament. Joe, when you were at school, was it just a piece of piss rugby? Because you... I played football at school. What? I didn't. I started rugby when I was 12 or 13.

After graduation. I didn't really like rugby. Didn't know rugby. I was at a comp, not like a private school. Right. And it was just football and because it, the goals at school are a lot smaller, aren't they? And like I was a big fat lad back then as well. And I just I was a fucking really, really good

goalkeeper. So because I basically filled the goal. And yeah, I loved it. I like bounce between support in Liverpool, I loved it. I bounced between supporting Liverpool. I had a Liverpool kit and I moved to Tottenham. Then I moved to London. What do you mean? Why would you actively choose to stop supporting Liverpool and support Tottenham? Well, it was like a casual support. Okay. I mean, I really liked Liverpool at the time because I was very young and naive and really enjoyed Michael Owen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But then you get, you grow, you get

like to become an adult and you see like what Michael Owens about. And then you sort of go, fuck was I doing there then? I don't know why Tottenham. I remember seeing a tweet a couple of years ago and it was every time I meet an Adult Man United fan I just, I can't, my brain can't comprehend it. I just feel like they should have grown out of that by now. Yeah, I like Man United. So none of you United fans? Not even close. Liverpool, Liverpool.

Is he saying that out loud in this room in the centre of Liverpool, right? Stinky. Is it? No, it's not. It's fine. I wasn't gonna sandwich him, Derek, yesterday there was a fella in a Man United track

he was waiting for a bussy. He's not a United fan, is he? No, is he? No. No, but it's not like, we're not bothered, are we? We're not gonna care. I couldn't do anything anyway, even if they cared. My eldest lad, he's a Man United fan.

He's 11 now. Oh, he picked the wrong time to start being a fan. Oh, he's a Man United fan. Why is he a Man United fan? Because his uncle was, or is, and so I got him into it. And then I sort of give him some shit for not supporting Brighton, who I now support, like local team and all that. Good team. Decent. All right for now.

And then, but then I credit him because he's only ever known united as shit. Yeah. And he still wants to support them. So it's not like the old days. Yeah. That's a proper fan. Glory. Cause he was born what? Was he born 2014? 2014. Yeah. So the year. Weird mate.

Why is that weird? I've done 25 minus 11 and got 14. Why is that weird? I done 25 minus 11 and got 14. You said 11. Our research doc hasn't got the years of birth of your children on. Fair enough. I can do more if you want to keep sending some numbers at me. Is he going to play rugby? No, he hates it. He loves football.

Can I ask you a question? Are you sick of talking about rugby? Because I know you've got your Are you sick of talking about rugby? Cause I know you've got your own pod, which is massive and it's class. I've seen so many of the clips from it. Like we've brought rugby up and I feel like you're just a bit like fucking rugby. Is it just a bit boring to you now?

I loved a lot about rugby and what it gave me. Like it fucking gave me a job for the last 17 years. I was like, brilliant, this is great. But because it was never really a job. So I loved it. But there was also loads of it where I didn't... Did you just fart? No, it's me chair.

You'll know if I fart, Joe. Oh yeah, you'll leave. Got bad undercarriage, is he? Oh, it's... You will know me. I'm also a little bit like... I need it. I'm also a little bit like, I need it. I need to expect.

No, there's also a lot like I didn't fit in that much there. It's like quite, it's quite a respectful sport, isn't it? Yeah. I'll be nice to the referee, which is quite opposite to football. Oh yeah. Why wouldn't you do that in any sport? Cause the referee is there to make your life harder, isn't he? What?

He'll be like all the time. How do you think the games will go if you don't have a referee? I'm not here supporting referees. Awful, of course. Yeah. So why can't you just, rather than calling him a twat all the time or fuck you, you twat, why do you keep getting that wrong? Wouldn't it be better to go, maybe next time, mate? Yeah. Or try and get him onside, you know, learn his kid's birthdays,

get to know him a bit better. And then you get the 50-50 calls. I have thought this before, when I'm like at the game and the referee makes, you know, one or two bad decisions in your favor and the whole crowd's screaming, fucking cheating, fucking ref can't fuck you Taylor, you swat auntie Taylor, you fucking baldy fucking...

When you're doing that, I'm always like, is this really gonna make him go, do you know what? No, they're right. I don't like this. I'll give them more decisions. The alternative is to have the whole ground going, hey, you'll get the next one, ref. Well done, we're all trying.

I think we should experiment with that actually happening and see what the crowd is like. Well done, we were all trying. I think we should experiment with that actually happening and see what the crowd is like. I just think football referees are so actually bad at their job. Yeah. That like it's past the point of no return. Is there any ref that you go, Craw, he's a good ref. What about that bald one with the eyes, Colleen? Colleen, poke him into the ground.

You're speaking to him. Sack him into the ground speaking to everyone's around. Yeah You don't know what happened with Evan Evan have been crying about this since 2005 made to 2005 Liverpool won the Champions League Yeah, yeah And at the time winning the Champions League didn't get you entries the next year's Champions League Liverpool forced you a for to change the rules Liverpool finished fifth that year. Everton finished fourth. Everton, having finished fourth, had to play in a qualifying round the next season to get in.

So they didn't go straight into the group. They had to qualify against like all the little other ones. Villarreal. They played Villarreal. Villarreal. And against Villarreal, Colina made maybe, probably, almost certainly, the biggest and most glaring mistake that he made in his entire

career and it cost ever in a place in that. And if they'd got in there, they'd be Man City now in their heads. But afterwards, they went, yeah, it was a mistake there, but there's nothing you can do after the fact. If you'd have got in there, how do you know you wouldn't have been pumped? We might have been. No, no, you more than likely would have been pumped by all the other teams. That's not how ambition works, is it? Are you going to go into the World Cup final and go, we might lose, do you want to leave it? Well, it depends whether you've put a bet on the other team before the tournament. What, you want to be there?

I didn't do that, did you, John? I said it depends if you've done it. I was busy pre-tournament. I'd retired again pre-tournament. I was, you know, I didn't really know anything. I've got a question. What's it like to play in the, is that the pinnacle of the sport? That's a silly question.

World cup final. Yeah. The pinnacle of rugby. There'll be people that argue that the plan for the British and Irish lions is the pinnacle. But I only ever played for the midweek team, also known as... So you went on a tour, but you didn't play the tests? Didn't play the tests. That was the midweek veg. So from my experience of the Lions, amazing, like incredible, but essentially it was like a glorified stag do for like eight weeks.

And when I dress it up like that to my wife, who was at home with our two kids under three, he was like, oh cool. You told me it was the pinnacle of your career. Now you're calling it as like, yeah, but that's because I thought it could have been the pinnacle, but actually plan for your country in a world cup is pinnacle. Right.

In my eyes, but people go, well, you're only saying that because you didn't play in the test team. And I go, yeah, probably. Is that selection, does that, when you find out you're a lion, yeah, does that sort of mean more than, I don't know, like finding out you're in a World Cup squad? To me, no. But again, people go, that's because you didn't play in the Test. I was like, well, no, but when I first found out and you picked as one of the top 35 or 40 players in those four countries yeah fucking hell but it was the same reaction I had to get him picked for England or getting picked for Harlequin's first team. I was like fucking hell this is great how have I managed this? Do you know what I mean? Like this it was never something I was like oh this is what I dream of doing. It just sort of happened.

And I saw you mentioned that it was like a bit of a stag do. And I've got a question that I think Carl was hinting at outside. But I've really got to ask. Yeah. So I heard a rumor about rugby, obviously never played myself too busy playing footy and kissing girls and stuff. And that's tournaments you had, didn't it? The school summer slam tournaments that I captained every year.

You know, they still talk. I've got a painting on the wall to this day of the school. Anyway, I had a rumour about rugby a while back, and then I was on stage at Hot Water Comedy Club, and I spoke to a couple of lads on the front row at the uni here, and they were in the rugby rugby team and they told me that rugby dressing rooms often a lot of the lads just

like suck each other off and stuff. Well Tom Horton said it as well. Tom Horton said it as well, yeah and he was a rugby man and I'm just wondering and their attitude is it's not gay it's rugby. Is that true? Err. Yes it is. Right. Is that true? Yes. That's a yes, innit?

They're all sucking each other up in a rugby dressing rooms. Have I ever been sucked off by a teammate? No. Now, let's swap the question around a little bit. Have I ever sucked a teammate off? Yeah. No. Have you ever seen one of your teammates sucking off another one of your teammates? Yeah. No. Have you ever seen one of your teammates sucking

off another one of your teammates though? Right. Jesus. Will he play happens? Doesn't it? Will he play? Will he play? He was a good player. So we've gone from, have you watched your mate getting sucked off to calling it Willie play? Will he's there? Will you play and the doing things? Will he's here? Aren't they? By being here, naturally they're doing things. Yeah, but willies are here, aren't they? They're not involved. By being here, naturally, they're involved. There's no play. Well, how do I know? How do I know what you're doing under that table?

With my feet. What? If you saw a willy in the middle, you'd be like, whoa. If you saw a willy in the dressing room, you'd be like, that's just a willy. Yeah, because it's a dressing room, Carl. That's like at the gym. You're getting changed.

It's like when you go to the gym. Yeah, but I'm saying play. What do you mean play? Like with the poor places, with the- When I go to swim in mats and the old fella gets his bollocks out, I don't go and tickle them. That's the trailer. Okay.

All right, yeah, well played. I like the angle. Tear this up. Hang on, rugby and shit like that. Yeah. Uni rugby. Yeah. As far as I know. Yeah. I've never experienced uni rugby but like riddled with shit like that. All the sort of similar to like American colleges and the Hayes. Right. That makes sense. That makes more sense. So the British and Irish lions aren't on each other's bollocks. Uh, no. Okay. No, I mean it can get weird, but in any group of men, Yeah, that's-

together for a long period of time, it can get a bit weird. Yeah. That's all we want to say. Do you know what I mean? Slads on top. Yeah. It's slads on top. Well, that's what he said. He said it's a stag day for eight weeks.

It's a stag day for eight weeks. Yeah, but I'm not sitting here going, everyone's sucking each other off because they're bored and away from their missus at home. Because you're lonely. Joe we have discussed this so many times on this podcast with a non rugbyman in so once we had a rugbyman in this question had to be asked and it had to be answered. There's shit like that that does go on yeah I know of people that have gone you go he did what to him at the weekend? Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? And

you go, yeah, if that's what floats your boat, you know, it's a bit weird. Or there's a load of shit that you actually look back on. You have what the flying fuck went on there. Even before training, there'd be a warm up, we'll have like, kick about five a side or whatever. Or is it rondo when you get someone in the middle on that. and if you get past 20 passes, you haven't got the ball back right at the forefoot, you string them up on the rugby posts

and you pull your shorts down and you've got to kick the ball at them once they're naked. And you go, fuck's going on here? Like this is meant to be a professional. No, that is like ultimate heads and Vs though, isn't it? It's kind of bare ass, but like turned round. You ever played bare arse? Yeah I played bare arse but this was like another level. He's hanging off the post and his shorts and it's not his arse

facing us, it's his cock and balls. And you go, this is work. What other office is that happening in? I think that promotes elite sport and excellence. Mental. Fucking mental. Why do you mean that promotes elite? It's in your interest to then get the fucking ball back, isn't it? If there was just more sexual assault in top level sport. And aiming at a cock is difficult, so it's a good for aiming.

Yeah. I think I would be so determined to win that round though if I knew my knob was going to be getting volleyed up by fucking the British and Irish Lions mate. Yeah I didn't have a shot at it, mainly because I'm no good at aiming at football so. What was the drinking like on tour? Lose. You like a booze? I don't like a booze yeah. In my head when it comes to like top flight footballers, there's a limit of

what they can do because the conditioning and everything. But if you were a prop, you just have to be strong. You can do that sort of hungover. Yeah. What's a prop? Is he just like, are you just... Just the fat lad that bends over and pushes. But they've changed it now with like all the props now. They're like shredded and they can run. Are like goalkeepers in football.

Yeah, but like that, they can pass, they can all do all this shit. I didn't sign up for that. You just, you were, I mean, to smash, you were like being strong and that was your role. Yeah, I had a limited skill set. I wasn't actually very good at rugby. Do you watch the NFL? There's a thing called the thick six where one of the offensive linemen or the D like that usually the offensive line and their job is just to be a human wall. Yeah it's basically their whole job. If the ball accidentally breaks and they're running and pick it up it is one of the most joyous sights.

Watching a six foot eight man fucking mountain. And at that point the little lads who are there to be basically the fast guys to stop the fast guys catching the ball can't do a fucking thing. It's like watching six year olds try and pull down a dad at a barbecue. It is yeah. Imagine like Hagrid and like there's loads of kids and he's just walking with the ball like this. It's one of the most beautiful sights. One of the most beautiful sights in sport is a thick six. The big lad finally getting that one in 10,000. They're like 150 kilo big, aren't they? They are just fat fellas, aren't they? That's super strong. That's fucking bollocks. But they're also super strong. Some of them are just fat fellas, aren't they? They're super strong. That's fucking bollocks. But they're also super strong. Some of them are just fat fellas though.

No, they're really strong, mate. Yeah, yeah, like I'm not having a dig. Look at me, Joe. I'm not saying, like what are you fucking on about? I'm not being like, oh, they need to get in shape, am I? You're fucking joking, aren't you? I've been thinking about Bolognese since last night. Good Bolognese though, that message.

It was a good Bolognese. Fuckin' was me. Your carrots are too chunky. That's bollocks from you. Like other than the carrots. Try it, just fucking try it. You're always fucking milking me bolognese, but I'm going to fucking jar of glue.

Sugar and milk? I'm going to try that next time. Sugar and milk in your bolognese? Who's this? What does it do? Joe. Don't do your research here. Oh, we've got a big research duck here, Joe.

Don't you want it? Have you? Oh, yeah. Kids' birthdays on there? Is it fucking weird? He's listening too much. Like for example, Joe, we know you've got an only fans. Yeah. Yeah. Your feet. Why'd you say it like that? Because we did the research. Joe shot only fans. For his feet. Yeah. Yeah. Your feet. Why'd you say it like that? Cause we did the research. Joe shot an only fans. For his feet. Yeah. Is that how giving away the what size? No, cause he's got his shoes on. I'm thinking Jose Malatrotas. What size are they? 12. Big boys. Decent. They're actually my best feature. I've got really nice feet. Is this a post retirement income thing. No, it was a, um, it was a PR stunt during it. Like we had a, uh, a sex worker on the podcast on our podcast. And it was like, wow, this is wild. Like learning all about the ins and outs, literally the ins and outs and the amount of money she was making on only

fans and she, and then she was like, you could flip flops. she was like, you could, I flip flopped, she was like, you could, you could do it. I went pardon? You've got decent feet. I went, oh, I've never had that as a compliment. So it made me blush and stuff. And then they were like, why don't we set up an OnlyFans of your feet? And then it got picked up by Ladbible and Sportbible. So they just posted it out there. Did you make money off it? No, they set up as a free open profile. But the messages that were coming through were like, will you tread in a cow pat barefoot for 250 quid? Would you? That's just the rugby lads.

Good recall. Love that. Thank you. Love that. Thanks everyone. Love it. Would you do that? And people are, oh, that's disgusting. I fucking out 250 quid to send a 10 second video to stand in a cow pat. Do I have any integrity or respect for myself? No, I'll fucking do it. I do that what I mean? I'd do that. Like the only problem, I think that like cow poo between your toes would feel nice and smell audible. It's not just hay in it, it's grass.

Yeah. No, it's, well that's like saying shit is tiramisu. Yeah, it is. Have you ever pushed a shit down a drain with your hands? No. Exactly. Never done that with 10 of my suit. What are we doing here? I've done it with like a plunger.

I've never used my hands. It was in the shower. Someone took a shit in a shower tray rugby and we were gonna he wasn't actually. And he no one was going to clear it up. And I went lads we're gonna lose our deposit. I'll do it, I'll do it, it's fine. And they're like, nah, it's fucking me. Then I was just like stuffing it down. Rather than, I should have chosen to just pick it up with some toilet roll.

And put it in the toilet. But once you've done the first stove, you're sort of committed to that. Well, it doesn't really bother me because essentially it's just like tiramisu. Do you know what I mean? It's just there, it's just what you've eaten. It's only, I don't know about the issue. Do you like do you like shit? Do you like, what's your gag? What's

your gag like? We've got mates who do a podcast called Dead Men and they had for a while in their first sort of year, a little section at the end of their pod where they played some of the sort of shocking videos from the internet. And I could watch most of it and I wasn't too bad, like nails and dicks and stuff. What, like hammer and nail? Yeah. And I worked out that they were basically playing a couple of each type of appalling video to see what your bite point was.

And turns out shit is the one that makes me... When I went on the Joe naked Martin is. Yeah. We got a couple of videos from him actually. We just shit in a piece of bread. No, he's shooting it. He's shooting piss in a pint glass and then drunk it. And that got me. Oh, he's got the whip. Like he's got the way it's just tiramisu and Lucas. Like that was like if I, there was me earlier trying to be like, oh, you know, rugby's not so bad like that. But I did like engage in that early doors to try and fit in.

So my first house in the Academy house, there was four of us and one of the lads went home for the weekend. And I wanted to like fit in a bit more and shock and shock and awe the lads. So I went for a shit, did it in a pint glass, brought it out to the lounge and they're all sitting there. And most of them are like, oh God, that's sick. And then one of them got up, like dead pan face, just took the pint from me, pulled out his knob

and just pissed in it. And he just pickled this poo. And I was like fucking hell he's like outdone me. He's out-alford you? Yeah out-alford I was like fuck that's not worked and the lad who wasn't there went oh right let's go upstairs took it upstairs put it in his room he used to read quite a lot which is great you know I try and read a bit more now but back then I used to be like oh

fucking hell he reads a lot what a cunt I am. He was away but he had a reading lamp, you know, with the arm, the extendable arm. So I was like, oh, why don't we just put the lamp over it, over the top and turn it on and shut the door and leave it for the weekend. And you look back at those moments and you go, fuck. A dirty Pixar. Pixar's. Harry, imagine it was your throat that was going down. He will be sick. He's no good at nothing. Imagine like if I pooed down your throat Harry. What about blood? Is it discharged? Harry imagine there's a big slug full of poo in your swallow there.

Discharge, no? Don't be sick on the floor. What about if someone popped a spot and they've got the pus on their finger and you licked it? It always comes. Always out. You're in the toilet, I've pooed in here before. Do you want to eat my bogeys? What a weird way to resign.

Harry's lovely, isn't he? Yeah. It's nice that you picked him. Isn't he lovely? You are lovely, mate. Thank you. Imagine that wasn't water but piss. He likes that.

See, now you're going to fit in the rugby world, aren't you? Now you're a rugby man. The piss thing is fine with me. Like when I'm hungover, but this is the thing. When I'm hungover, I'll watch piss porn. I'll watch women get pissed on or piss on men. And I'm into it. Bore.

Hang on, that's your hangover cure? No, it's my hangover improvement. It doesn't cure the hangover. He just goes extra dirty when hungover. Yeah. It helps me calm. I'll just hear a thing or two about it and that makes me a blast.

There's no kink shame in here, mate. You do what you need to do. Yeah, absolutely. But on a recent hangover, me mistress was out, so I pulled the blinds up and put it on the telly. The blinds up? What, your cock? No, like, so my blinds go from the bottom up. Oh, right. So I put it on the telly, so it's fucking 4k ultra HD 60 inches you know what I mean?

Someone's doing work for themselves. Flex fucking Eldy's alright. He's got blinds that go up the other way because they're posh and he's got a fucking decent TV go on. I finished and then it sort of kept playing and the next bit of the scene It was two women pissing on each other and one of them then just shit in the other one's mouth And it ruined it for me and knocked me sick. What the fuck? I didn't want to see that by the way.

What was it called? What was the title of that thing? I don't know. I just seen the, I think it was two women. Why are you two acting like that's the most mental thing ever? Yeah, right. If you're watching pee porn, I mean- No, you watched that as like a punishment.

It's like a gateway drug. I've never watched like, Scarpawn. Me either. Pooh and Weed. I mean, you watch that as like a punishment. It's like a gateway drug. I've never watched like Scott Paul. Never. Pooh and Wade. Dead man. Piss would do it for you. I'm telling you. Why would it? Just watch it and see what happens to you. What are you into then? I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. I'm into most everything else. Piss and shit is, I don't know. It's just, no, I know. But what I'm trying to say is, you know, you're into most of everything else and you feel normal about that. Yeah.

There's people that feel normal about piss and shit. Yeah. But how you feel and you go, oh, I'm not saying they're wrong. I'm saying personally, that is, I think it's the opposite of sexy. It's poo and wee. Yeah. It can be sexy though.

If you dress up like that. You don't like the idea of square, neither do you, cause you're like, it's just piss. It is just piss. All you dress it up. You don't like the idea of square, do you? Because you're like, it's just piss. It is just piss. All you need is a reading lamp and it really... Warm the room up. Yeah, it didn't go down well when he came home.

No, I imagine that's quite upsetting. And he actually doesn't know who did it to this day, so there you go. Sorry, Sam. It was me and George. It was both of us. Bloody traitor. Go on, us. What, the traitor? Go on, Finn. What?

Well done. Trying to move into the next lane. Oh, your segue? Segue. It was really smooth. It was good, I like it. Why, what's the next thing? Joe's on the upcoming season of Celebrity Traitors.

Am I? I believe so. Are we maybe tra straightering now. Oh, you know, I am. I had to double check whether you could say it. What? I mean, you've been announced. Yeah, I've been on it. Yeah. Oh, I thought we were telling you like it was news. We've got some great news, Joe. Have you filmed it? Yeah. That's a fucking shit. No, I don't know how to deal with this shit.

So I spent most of my rugby career when it came to media and all that sort of, not listening to any of the media training and just fucking doing what I wanted. Because it was like, yeah, I don't need anything. And then you go into like a media space that isn't rugby what you're used to. I was like, oh, I'll just tell them everything. And they were like, whoa. No. Yeah, but you're podcasting.

So that is part of the appeal of podcasting that you haven't got like a TV exec going, oh, you can't say that. So you've gone from doing what you want in rugby to then finding a part of the appeal of podcasting that you haven't got like a TV exec going, oh, you can't say that. So you've gone from doing what you want in rugby to then finding a bit of the media where you can sort of do what you want. But I suppose that gets limited if you then go on celebrity trade. Well, if you go on a reality show, that's like a game that you can't reveal the results

because you know, ruin it for everyone. I imagine that NDA would be. and it's contractually you know bound. Yeah you've got to sign some abuse. What do you want to know? Don't tell us the result but was it good to film? It was fucking great. Really good fun. Absolute bonkers.

Absolutely loved it. Some of the like... Don't tell us if you can't. No, no, you're right. Should we look forward to it? Is it going to be a good great lineup? It was. Yeah. And how very out of place I was. Right. Yeah. Really good. Yeah. It was some some proper like A-listers. Yeah. British A-listers not proper A-listers I think. Oh what's a proper A-lister to you? Like Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt isn't he? No. I'm saying Stephen Fry is a British A-lister. Right. He's not a global A-lister. Yeah. No. No. That's my that's my theory. Although he is the worldwide voice of the Harry

Potter audiobooks. Yeah. So maybe he is. Yeah. You know, for those kids with no eyes, you want to hear about Harry Potter. Still have eyes. There's loads that I've listened to them. I've got eyes, I've got eyes and I've listened to them. Yeah, but what I'm saying is like those kids, if they're reading Harry Potter, it's death over over that do you mean working eyes? Yeah, I think I know I was blind kids kids who you know bloody vision Oh, yeah, he's got a point because if you haven't got any eyes, then you can't see you've never seen Brad Pitt So you know kids who live in a car press me much Come with all the jokes

Oh you really bring the best out of Finn, you know. Do you know the thing about being blind? Why did you say Shana Twain? Because he said he wouldn't know who Brad Pitt was. Okay, so you're Brad Pitt. That don't impress me much. It's in the song. Joe, when you question something...

Joe has a tendency to question something and there's a pause where I think I might get twatted. No, no. He's a gentle giant. Fake tough guy. Are you not a music guy? Because in the lobby... Paul Simon.

Right, because in the lobby you said you don't like the Beatles or they're overrated. The Beatles are shit. That's not true. No, I said that. Let's get this nice and clean because this is the clip, innit? Say that again. Say it again. Go on. Yeah,. Stand by it. Stand by what? By me. Stand by. Right. Hang on. Here's the question. This is my first time to Liverpool. Yeah.

And I've got off at the train station, walked out and there's a statue. There's this like bronze statues. Yeah, one was a woman to the block. No. Can't remember who it was. The other one was Ken Dodd. Yes. And I went in my head when I sat down on the step outside it and I was like, hang on on the Beatles from Liverpool. Yeah. And if they were so good, because I've been having this argument with my co host on the podcast, he loves the Beatles, like they think they're the greatest thing ever. They've sort of like they changed the course of rock and roll history. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sort of things. And I'm like, they're shit. The Beatles are shit. And he's like, you can't say that. Well, you can say if that's how you feel. And you could literally say anything, but there's always a consequence. You can't say that. You can say it if that's how you feel. Yeah, totally, yeah. And you could literally say anything, but there's always a consequence, is it? You can say you think the Beatles are shit. No, OK. Why can't I say the other one? Because that's a fact and you're voicing an opinion.

I mean, he can state it as fact if he wants. It doesn't change the meaning of it. Is your question, Joe? Why is that if they were that good? I'll take this by the way. Why is that if they were that good, why is there not? Shut up, shut up, shut up. If they were that good, in my head I was going, I'm gonna call Tom.

If they were that good, why is there not a statue of a mate? So even the people of Liverpool agree with me that there's a statue of Ken Dodd. I can help you. Okay. What you've done is you've got off at Liverpool Lime Street station, you've walked seven minutes from that station to here and you've gone that's all of Liverpool. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've got a pretty famous waterfront. Now a waterfront

is like a the front of the water. There you go. Okay. The River Mersey, on the River Mersey, we have our famous docks, the most famous of which is the Albert Dock. Just up from the Albert Dock is the Liver building, the Cunard building, the Three Graces, many famous, really quite impressive architecturally significant buildings. And what we've done is we've put the statue of all four Beatles there. Why? Because that's the most popular tourist part of the city. Because Ken's on down side of Plymark.

Yeah. Yeah. There's multiple Beatle statues around the city as well. Why is it not at the station where people get off? Like people, because there's a whole like bit of the city center dedicated to the beatles. Yeah. Get off the, they come in by train. Yeah. And they go, you think if you were that proud of them, them not. Oh, you go look at what, we're most proud of what's your home. So it's your argument that Liverpool isn't proud enough of the Beatles and we don't bang on about them enough.

Jack just made a very good point. Have you ever flown into Liverpool? Twice. What's the name of the airport? Yellow. John Lennon Airport, who is a Beatle. That's how proud of him you are. Very proud. Yeah, fair enough.

Where do you, where do you go? Another question. I'm not denying your pride actually. What's your hometown and city, like what's your, where do you call home? As in like, where from Nepal, what's your hometown? Well, I'd say Heathfield. Heathfield?

And we'd say where's that? Yeah I'd go well sort of half, it's like a little bit near Brighton, a little bit near Eastbourne, a little bit near Tunbridge Wells. What's the, who are the people from Heathfield? Are you the most famous Heathfieldian? No. Who? I'd say I'm sick from that list. Okay, top five please if you don't mind. The band five. Jane Torville. Who? I'd say I'm sick from that list. Okay, top five, please. If you don't mind.

The band five. Jane Torville. Who? Torville and Dean. But when you leave Heathfield train station, is there a statue of Jane Torville? We ain't got a train station. We ain't got a train station.

Okay, when you fly into Heathfield, is it called the Torville Tower plane academy? What I knew before coming out with, I think the beat was shit. Yeah. I knew it would provoke a reaction. Yeah, I knew it. We haven't even got to that bit yet, by the way. All we've done so far is just... Name a song that's good that they've done. What?

Sing it. We all live on a yellow salary... Joe, have you ever been to boxing? Surely you're the boxing man? No, I went for the first time. I see KJU the lot at the boxing. I didn't hear it once. They played it and he was like, oh, it's easy. Why are you two bothered about the Beatles? You couldn't hear it once. They played it and he was like, oh, why are you too bothered

about the Beatles? You couldn't give a fuck. Oh, no, no, no. It doesn't matter. I don't give a fuck. He's coming at them. Let it be. It's quite catchy actually. The Don is hard. He's only from Liverpool. Wow, I've really like gone. I mean, there's quite a lot of songs that are pretty good. Here Comes the Sun. Show that one.

Here Comes the Sun. That's a nice one. I think you really like The Beatles. We named three songs so far and he's like, they're bangers, them to me. My 11 year old boy who was born in 2014, March, but you knew that already. He's into The Beatles.

Yeah. That ooh, blah. Obladi oblada. Yeah. Yeah. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la fall off. Yeah. Well tomorrow never knows. Who's your, do you feel like a big man picking on an 11 year old? Yeah. He's not even here. He's not here to defend himself. You know what I would say though, having not seen your 11 year old in person, obviously I've seen pictures and I would back your 11 year old. Well played. I would back your 11 year old to beat him in a fight. Would know nothing else. It would be a good watch. Eventually you'd like I'd tap out. No, you'd do a job.

Yeah. He's athletic. He's slightly aggressive, but not like I'm neither of those things. I know. And you said earlier, vegetarian. Yeah. So you like, he could just like poke me out. I'd fall over. Yeah. What's your music then? You said you like Paul Simon. Yeah. Just Paul Simon. Just Paul Simon. Adele. What's that one? It sounds a little bit like Ooh Blah Blah Dah. You know, the Maradona one. Na na na na na. Tabanga. Yeah, Life is Life. Live is Life. Yeah. Yeah, what else? Lady Smith flatman barzo.

Are you like songs? What do you mean? You said I like that one and then just named the song. Your music taste is on shuffle. Yeah, it is. Yeah. I like I also like I like what do I like? Who's the musician of like, holy fuck, they're playing in the stadium and buying tickets for that. Like if someone was if the

I wouldn't I wouldn't ever go see him. You wouldn't go to a concert? No, I'd feel uncomfortable. Because then everyone around would be dancing and like, thinking, and I don't do that. Yeah, same. Do you know what I mean? So I'd much rather watch a Glastonbury set on TV.

And actually be in the crowd. Well there you go. So who could be announced as Glastonbury's headliners where you'd be like, do you know what? Saturday night, I'm getting a chippy and I'm watching, you know, the proclaimers. Who's that band for you? Or singer? So you're not into music, are you, John? I do. I just, I do like, I like, I like sort of sad and

depressing music. I have like playlists that I don't know who they are, but I name them dark and gloomy You know because I just like sitting there and all melancholy and just like miserable I like sad and depressing music like call me out. Oh, I did but then I put that on to really pick me up again By half-hour, do you know I mean and then right get Paul Simon on now by half hour, do you know what I mean? And then, right, get Paul Simon on now. He's got 10 playlists. I'm back in the room. Paul Simon's the last song that every single one of you has. Oh, there's some sad Paul Simon though. That makes sense.

Oh, go on. Name one. The Boxer? I know that's Simon and Garfunkel or Bridge Over Troubled Water. Like a bridge over... It depends how you interpret the lyrics, isn't it? Yeah, I guess, actually. No, the bridge is actually a strong, if without the bridge, you'd be in the water and if you can't swim, you're fucked. Yeah. That's the bridge at the end. Yeah. So it's actually a really positive song, I think. Yeah. It just sounds sad. Yeah. Which is not, you're not putting that on to pick you up. Are

you? You're not going out. Let's stick bridge over trouble water on. Don't go out. Ever. Do you like the pub? I come here. This is the first time you've done that though. I do like it. Do you never dance Joe? Never. I did. I did dance at a wedding a couple of weeks ago, but it took a couple of hours of drinking. Big song. Well, that's the same for me. That's like me as well. No, no, no, no, fuck off. Then when my wife was being spun round, a mate of mine who's fucking huge, ex-player actually,

six foot eight, 24 stone, Every time we go to a party or wedding he insists on picking my wife up because she's always the one who gets pissed the quickest and you know well up for being just chucked around on the dance floor and I'm like looking in like oh my god fucking hell Twents what have you done here and then I look in again and he's laid her on the table and he's putting like plates of food on her. And I'm like, what the fuck's that? I'm going to have that. I don't want to dance.

I don't want to come in and do it because I feel uncomfortable because I can't have got no rhythm or anything. But you're sort of forcing my hand. And then when she started dancing up and down on the tables, but everyone else was still trying to eat, I went, that's the moment where I need to sort of intervene, pretend I want to dance with her and all that like. I'm not a dancer either. You're not a dancer.

And I hate people who go, why don't you have a dance? I don't want to. If you were to choose a dance move, what would be your go-to? Like, let's pretend there's music on there. I mean, you've got your own one. I've got the regal, it's just like, such as this. But if someone was spinning Sereka all over the shop, I've never, no one's ever danced with my wife and I think that would flare me up, mate. I think that would get me up. When's I do a dance with her, as you know? What do you mean, flare you up? I just think

that's a weird... Someone danced with your wife? I think if I was sat down and someone was fucking ta ta ta and spinning Laura and then fucking getting in a headlock and... But Dan likes cook porn. Cook porn? Yeah, where you're watching someone have sex with your partner. That's what I thought you said, cook porn. Cook, as in see you, cook old. It's someone, it's you watching someone have sex with your partner.

Cack. Cack. Fucking cack, mate. Sorry, he likes cack, porn. So you'd rather someone wallop Lorde than dance with her? Yeah, is that what we're saying here? Yeah, I'm like, stop dancing, get walloping. What's your go-to dance move then? Just two steps.

Dan's a great dancer. I'm a nice and safe runner, I'm just like, you know, it's just up here. Dan's a lot of fun on a night out dancing-wise. Yeah, I have enough talking through these cons. Right. Whoa, audio listeners, you are missing out. Adam's Boston moves out. Oh shit.

Like a bridge over troubled water. The bridge over troubled water. Dance with my father again. Kevin Dollan. We need a break so fucking bad. Let's have a break. Oh, you do breaks? Now it's time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor.

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Get it on the front burner. It needs to go on the bloody front burner. Get it on the off burner. And a lot of people are nervous, like, oh, I don't want to you know use costumes I don't want to use sex aids. Well, you're a fool. Come on. Try it get sex aids Zesty You know with all of these amazing things

There we go. Noobs, toy cleaners. We'll roleplay it then. The Jessica Rabbit or We'll roleplay it? Sex dice? Yeah. I'm indecisive. Let the gods decide What am I gonna do to you tonight Carl? Question mark stroke. I'm in the size of let the gods decide. What am I gonna do to you tonight, Carl? Question mark stroke. I'm gonna question mark stroke. We'll try one more. How about we go with the...

Big pause. Question mark blow. I think this is a question mark dice. We're gonna go one more time. Kiss my feet. You never know. How would you know you enjoy that if you hadn't bought those dyes from Love Honey? Exactly.

And our listeners can get a 20% discount by using code AFF-WORD20. Or you could kiss my fingertips. That gets me going more than kissing fingertips. Connect with your partner today. Love honey. Feel the love honey. Hey, you're a Canadian podcast listener and that makes you important to us. We'd like to know more about you, what you think of this podcast and the other podcasts

you'd like to hear. So we put together a super brief survey we'd like you to fill out, complete it, and we'll give you a chance to win one of three $100 Amazon gift cards. That way we can say thanks for your opinion. Just go to mypodcastsurvey.ca and have your say. That's mypodcastsurvey.ca. I think you'd give good advice, Joe, because you're a really considered and caring person. I think you'd give great advice. You reckon?

Yeah. We're playing a jingle, by the way. You can't hear it. It's better than The Beatles. That's not hard. There It's better than The Beatles. That's not hard. There's nothing better than The Beatles. I love living.

And this is from... This is from an anonymous listener. Says, hey lids, please keep me anonymous. I need a bit of gay advice. So I thought, who else but you boys? We're not gay. I'm a young gay guy. Wow, when has that ever stopped us, Carl? I'm a young gay guy. Well, when has that ever stopped us Carl?

I'm a young gay guy and I've been in and out of relationships quite a lot. Is it like in and out? My best mate is a straight and single and after one night out I slept at his place and in our drunken state I satisfied him. He then brought it up a couple of days later and he said about me helping him with his needs. No bumming, just hand jobs and sucky sucky. But no strings attached, just a little bit of fun as he'd been single for quite a while. So this has been going on for about six months now and I feel myself catching feelings for him. I know he says he's straight but he's letting a gay guy suck him off.

So what do I do? Shall I keep this to myself and keep it as a bit of fun or bring it up to him and see how he feels but potentially risk making things more weird between us? But he is gay, this guy. I mean he's at least bisexual. This guy's attracted to men. But is he though? Because that could be anyone's mouth, couldn't it? Maybe he just likes getting sucked up. We all do, yeah.

Yeah, so you like getting sucked up. Yeah, but I wouldn't let you do it. But what if he had a shave? Let's role play this, shall we? Let's go. What if I think this would be happening today? You were there in your chair. Yeah.

And the lights were off. Right. And there was are off. Right. And there was- John Marl's in the room. 10 women, right, 10 women that like, they're your like, your type, your go-to, yeah? Yeah. And me, yeah? Lights are off. He likes big-shouldered women as well, so that-

Yeah, good. So it's difficult. Works out. No, you're not allowed to touch. Your hands are behind your back. Okay. And then you just get sucked off. Yeah. Do you think you're going to

climax? Do you think you're going to get off on that like thingy? No, I'm thinking there's 10 women in this room and one Joel Marla. Is Joel Marla roulette? And I reckon I'm like the whole time thinking is Joel Marla giving me a blowjob? Yeah, so is that going to stop you coming? What about this then? If I don't know you're in the room, and then I go Oh shit, that was you Oh okay, good, yeah, now let's change that You don't know I'm in the room But I sneak in the room, and you don't see me

and then I've sucked you off and you've come, then we turn the lights on and then I've got like a mouthful so you know it's me because I go Right the lights on. Yeah. And then I've got like a mouthful of comps. So you know, it's me. Yeah. Right. Yeah. That's like a horse. Yeah. And uh, what, what you saying to that? Are you going, well, I'm gay then I am. I would go, well, I'm gay then. I also we're putting on the patron. That's like, I think, but the thing is, what you're saying is right,

but he's a weird, and it's a man doing it. It's not a secret of Joe Marlin in the dark room. Yeah. Carl, you're right. He is right. The kid, he's gay, isn't he? He doesn't, he's not admittedly gay. I don't know.

He might be bi, it's not, he can't say. Well, bi is just a version of gay. I also don't agree with your definition, no. I don't think it necessarily is. I think you can't imagine your way out of it being a man who's sucking you up. For six months every week. For what reason? How long did it take J.K. Rowling to write Harry Potter?

I didn't know that was... What is that? How long? Probably a fair few years. Like years. So she was using her imagination for years to develop those stories. So J.K. Rowling's gay.

So six months, that's a piece of piss, isn't it? For him to imagine. If he's got a strong enough imagination. I see what you mean. But he is gay. Until he's wrote eight very successful erotic gay novels, the imagination is still there. Yeah, that's a fair point.

Look, just fiction. Genuine advice is don't fuck around with a guy who's going to mess you around because he's straight. Why? What are you doing? What's he doing there? Basketball. It's the sun in his eyes. What's going on?

That's blind basketball. Gay Nazis. Why? What was that? I'm looking away. But why one time be like, I'm not gay, it was just stupid and whatever. If you go, do that again.

I know what you're doing and I like it. So he's attracted to me and I'm fine. So what's your advice? To the other guy. Say to him, listen mate, I think maybe you're a homosexual. What's the advice to the lad sucking him off? I think you're a homosexual. No no no what's the advice to the lads sucking him off? Yeah I think you're a guy and you know this couple are like last six months.

The last six months I've you know I think I'm catching feelings and you know I wondered if you want to like explore being gay with me. Mate honestly if you're an out gay guy why do you want to be like, he's attracted to him. He's feeling, but who cares? He's just some confused, not actually straight guy who likes getting noshed off. That's not who you want to fucking invest your feelings in. We might be a nice guy.

He's going to go through such a it's going to be a nightmare. Anonymous. Can't help being fallen on for it. Like. Nip it in the bud. Or. Or pop it in his bum. Go for it and go, look, I love you. I've got feelings for you. I wanna make this work.

And clearly you get excited at times with me. Clearly you like me at times, but be prepared that that'll be the end of the friendship either way. It could blossom into the greatest love he's ever known or like that's the end of the friendship. I'll tell you what, a guy who's pretending to be straight and getting noshed off once every six months,

if all it took for him to go, do you know what, actually I'm gay and I love you. It was four, six months? It was four, six months, sorry, yeah. But I mean, it's very unlikely that the guy goes, listen, I've got feelings for you, let's start a relationship. The guy's gonna go, you know what?

The blow jobs were great. I'm gay now. Let's get married. Well, I tell you what, here's what you have to do. You have to go in expecting this. And here's how you handle it, right? As long as you can, you gotta psych yourself up in the middle for this.

It might take you a little while. You go, right, this is what you gotta learn to accept. You're gonna go up to him and you're gonna go, listen, John. Yeah? Gay, John. Like, I've been sucking it off every now and then for six months now and I love it and I know you love it

as well and I think that means that you you know at a part-time mechanic just like me so that's another jobs a's assistant. It's a euphemism. He's gay. I think you're also a gay man. Now, if you're going to tell me that you're not, that's fine, but I can't suck it off anymore because I'm starting to fall in love with you. And if you're going to tell me you're straight, I'll believe you.

I'll believe you for as long as you tell me you're straight. But when that day comes, when you wake up and you decide, no, you want to explore being gay, I want you to come to me first, because I will always love you and I will always suck you off to this level. Come to me. Wow.

See you then. Yeah. Be prepared to wait for him to deal with what's going on in his head. The world is full of rampant homophobia and he might not be ready to face that. He just likes to get sucked off by men. He's using his friends to work out his sexuality. He's worked it out and gone. That's carry on. Yeah.

It's quite a safe option, isn't it? Using your friend. Probably knows, you know, they're pretty clean. Yeah. Was it you that had the bit about that? About you just want someone to play FIFA with who sucks you off? My bit was essentially if I could, like, if game off. So like, so you're like... You want to get sucked off playing FIFA?

No. Who doesn't? Yeah. Well, how do you concentrate on the game? Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I just accept that every now and then I'm going to lose a game or two because I get to jizz in a mouth. What I was saying...

Bit of a rough one today, innit? You missed it, lad. Sorry you beat me, I was getting sucked off. I'll shite you, yeah I might be shite but I'm getting sucked off. Who really wins? What you need to say is in a mirror, lad, I want to play more FIFA. I've got two controllers, you can have one of them. The routine was like the idea that like, you know, devout Catholics and Christians think they be engaged of choice and that these people can choose to not be. And I was like, if it was a choice, it's the

choice we'd all make. Like, isn't it a lot better to be with your mates, like getting sucked off by your mate and then having a game of fever together? It wasn't actually at the same time. That was the confusion. What you mean is men are more like men. Yeah. Men and women mix. But then there's also things where she watches things I don't want to watch but as we both watch the footy Yeah, I mean, oh you get a girlfriend who watches 40 I don't mind me missus watching the father

You know be into it if she knows you like an old sesc fabric as is I'd leave If I was this cake I just go find find another gay guy who's dead into it. Why are you wasting time with this confused pain in the arse? Because he likes his friends, so he can get on and he's talking to them. I need more information about what other stuff they do. All right, could you write in again, even though Joe Marla won't be here, we'll forward it on. No, we'll get it on to him. Yeah, forward it on and then I'll have a proper deep thought into it.

Fair enough. We're going to I'll have a proper deep thought into it. Fair enough. We're going to do some have a words. What did you bed you were like fucking cash brush Michael was a something. What? I don't want to know what would be the problem with that. I don't just for me unless she calls his name out at the point of orgasm, then I'd have some questions.

If my wife came in went oh, okay, ha ha cash brush Michael. I'd be really confused, but she can know who he is. What I meant was knowledge. Would you let your wife dance with caspash Michael? With his big hands, no. We've got some other words. Emily says, please have a word. Have words, you know, we're just,

we're trying to solve problems, we're not. Suck it out, fucking have a word. Have a word, hello, longtime lady listener, there's a guy at my gym that brings a little blue toddler beaker with him for his water. He goes to the water machine and fills it up just like a normal bottle, but it's not. It's a blue plastic beaker. Have a word with him for being a beaker nonce or me for being a judgemental cow. What's wrong with having your favourite receptacle? Really got me, beacon hunts. Stop being a beacon hunts. What's wrong with having a receptacle that you like? That doesn't spill?

Yeah, it's spill free. I was going to the gym the other week and I needed something for my pre-workout and the only thing that had been washed was a little flask that I got from Amsterdam Zoo when we were there for Jack and I just couldn't do it. I can't take that to the gym. It's got little fucking rhinos and giraffes on. What are you taking pre-workout for? Because I'm a drug addict and I like, I like, you know. What's your pre-workout? What? What is it? What pre-workout are you having? It's called like, um, gorillages or something. It's great. What's in it?illages or something. It's great.

What's in it? I don't check. It's got caffeine and magic in it. Makes me feel alive. Dan likes substances. I'm not allowed to take them anymore. So now I'm on testosterone and I do pre-workout. He took too many and ruined it. Oh, right.

He was too good at it. So you know substances, do you? What's Mandy? MDMA. And what's that like? It feels lovely. What is it? I wouldn't suggest it for podcasting, but it's MDMA. It's the happy bit of ecstasy. Ecstasy is speed and MDMA mixed together so you feel happy in your dance. So if you take it, it makes you happy. MDMA.

But then you crash. It uses up all your serotonin. Yeah. And so you get a flood. What's that bit? The... The... The... The... The... So if you take it, it makes you happy. Yeah. MDMA. But then you crash. It uses up all your serotonin. Yeah.

And so you get a flood. What's that bit, the- Borrowing happiness. Borrowing happiness from tomorrow. With MDMA, like booze is borrowing tomorrow's happiness. So then the next day you're in debt. MDMA is like borrowing the next five days of happiness. And the bail has come round.

Oh. Yeah. So it's- Right, so don't do that. And he did too much happy juice and no he's not alive. You did too much happy juice. I wasn't. And now you just stick with pre-workout. Yeah.

Just get that awesome pump in the gym. It was like, I'm coming in the gym, I'm coming backstage, I'm coming on everywhere. Yeah, that's me. When I say pre-workout I go weirdly German. It was Mekin Zagatins. That was Arnold Schwarzenegger. I think it was that. Oh sorry, Austrian.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's. Oh sorry, Austrian. Arnold Schwarzenegger's Austrian. Yeah, I know. Alright, cool. That was a nice moment. That'll be the clip. I can understand it. There's certain receptacles you can't be taken to the gym. You can't take a kid's beaker to the gym, mate.

Why? What do you mean why? Be more secure than yourself, Joe. Why do you need to take a kid's beaker? Maybe I can get a dishwasher. Why have your kids beakers? You haven't got kids. I haven't, no. He has. If I had kids... How do you know he's got kids? Oh.

We need more information. Write in. It'll be forwarded on. I'll more information right in. My gym's got little plastic cups in case you forgot. You can just fill it up. I don't know because they're thin. Yeah. Is it the one with like the nipple type? No, if it's an actual milk.

A Tommy Tippy type. Oh no. It's actually like a pretend nipple. He drinks it like this. But I drink too quickly. I could use one of them in the gym. Just a little. Right. Bitty.

I could do it with that for like me Guinness. That would help my drinkin' habit. I used to take cows milk. Milk. Milk. No, that's not what I meant. I meant I used to take the pre cows. I used to take the milk colostrum colostrum. The stuff that the cow was drink for the baby calf. They started taking that away from the cows and then putting it into

powders and then giving it to us. Rugby players? Yeah, I used to take that. What would that do? Apparently, because it's got all the proper nutrient that the calf needs. And I used to insist that that was through a Tommy Tippie. Just a training? No, no, I wouldn't do it in front of people, but the nutritionist would come and give me my little bit of colostrum in my Tommy Tippie and I'd just sit in the changing room.

Made gains. Do you think it would work on me? I'm trying to get bulky. I want to be like you when I grow up. Don't. Why? No, you don't want this. Why? Be my 38.9 mate, you don't want that. Is that bad? It's out of 40. that. Is that bad? It's out of 40. 29 mid isn't it surely like any range going to be in the middle to be healthy. You're a strong 38 BMI. Oh sorry between 18.5 and 24.9. Oh you're fucked. Off the colostrum. Hey but you've got that silver World Cup medal though. Lone. I sold it. Did you sell it?

I sold it. Did you? What do you want a fucking silver medal for? What do you want to buy one for? That's what I said. We could have it. We could put her... Can we have it? Have you got any medals that you don't want? There's not many, but yeah, do you want a medal? What yours you can have one of my medals that's good

Just on the bronze one. Yeah, you want the bronze one? Yeah, what can take one of your gold ones off you? I haven't got any gold ones. Have I Didn't you win? You won the situation three times. Oh, yeah. I don't want one of them, that's obviously prized. What for? Why is that a prize? It's because you won. That's weird actually. Can I write it? Can I pretend I'm writing it?

Yeah, yeah. Joe from Eastbourne says, Hi guys. Love the part. Love you guys and what you're about. And a question. Why do people play sport to win medals? What do they do with those medals?

Any help? Cheers. That wouldn't get through the Patreon. You're saying your collection of medals, you don't give a fuck about them? I wouldn't say I don't give a fuck about them, but I'm not asked, like what? That's the same. I mean, do you ever watch the highlights of the games? The way you won? No, I've never watched the games, no.

I saw the highlights of the World Cup final we lost in 2019, mainly because I was personally responsible for two of the tries that cost us the world cup. And they were flooded to me on Instagram. So I saw those highlights mainly from South Africa. South Africans going, thank you. My China. Thank you. Lekka. Lekka. World cup. And I'm like, you're welcome. You're welcome. That's what I'm here for. How much does that get to you? Or do you just like, are you just brushing off? No, it didn't get to me at all.

It was the odds on South Africa winning that World Cup were 15 to 6 before the tournament. Right, so you were on the dogs anyway. How are you not getting that? What? He's saying he's best on South Africa. That's a joke, Carl. Are you trying to save? Oh yeah, okay. I was the only one at the final whistle absolutely beaming, buzzing, walking around thanking the fans.

And people were coming up to me going, why are you so fucking happy, mate? We've just lost the biggest game of our life. I went, yeah, but what an experience. I feel like that might get traction in the Daily Mail. When you see your medals, yeah, do they feel you the gold medals? Do they feel you a pride?

Do you get like a nice memory like fucking hell? Look what we fucking did. Does that not is that not in you at all? No, no, I think that that's what I mean. Like that's your physical stuff that you're going. Oh, I won a trophy. I want to think you go. That's not physical stuff that you're going, oh, I won a trophy, I won a thing. You go, that's not important. On the day though, when you won,

like when you won the Six Nations for the first time. It's the feeling though, isn't it? It's not the physical. It must have been fucking amazing. Yeah, the feeling is. Being there with the boys. I'm talking about the actual objects of a medal or a thing. No, but does the object not remind you of that feeling?

Like I remember- The memories remind me of that feeling. Then meeting up with the people and having that knowing nod going Remember that day we did that together. Yeah, I do I don't fucking medal to tell me that When you look at it like that my father But why you could still be like that without the medal totally ever like, you know It just provokes the memory. The memory is not locked without the medal. Totally, yeah, but like, you know, it just provokes the memory.

The memory's not locked in the medal. It's just, it's one of the ways I remember that I did it. Yeah, that's fair. You know what I mean? Yeah, that makes sense. But also rugby players aren't playing for medals, are they? If you were a hundred meter sprinter and you were at the Olympics,

the whole thing is, I've won this medal. Like, that's not what that team sport. They're just, in football, the same. Those medals are just a memento. When you think of someone winning the Premier League, you think of that moment where they're all on the riser and they lift the Premier League. Well, you're playing for your legacy, aren't you?

You're playing to be like, people will know I did this. But the sport's gone, and then we'll give you a participation memory. That's why it's not important. It's not the thing. But if you were a sprinter, if you're an Olympian, that medal is. I think they should be just specific to the Olympics.

Were you the captain for any of the Six Nations wins? You were captain, weren't you, for a bit? He was the captain of his club. I thought you were England captain. I was the captain of me. All right. I was the captain of me. I was the captain of Queen's for six months and I only said I didn't want to do it. They wanted to change it up because the guy before, they'd had it a while, we'd started

going downhill a little bit and they wanted to freshen it up. I didn't want to do it but if I hadn't said yes, the bloke they were going to ask was a massive fucking helmet. Like bigger than me, like helmet. And I was like, no one is going to like that as an option. I'll do it. I did it for six months and then gave it up. I was really bad at it. Oh, I'll tell you what I was good at was I made the social,

like the fine system that I brought in. I had the wheel of like, the fine system that I brought in. I had the Wheel of Misfortune, like, made up, and the Monday morning meetings were great because I'd just get boys up to do the Wheel of Misfortune, so it'd be like 50 quid, 100 quid, spray tan, wash the car, 60 seconds, dancing with no music, a little bit like what you did earlier. So is that a captain's responsibility?

No, I didn't know what a captain's responsibility was. I think the captain's responsibility is to make the decisions on the field, but I wasn't really bothered about that. How long were you at Queen's? Like 15 years? I signed for them when I was 17 and then retired last year. Oh, so you were a one team man, yeah? Yeah. No one else wanted me.

And my wife didn't want to move. So instead we just stayed where we live now and I just commuted 142 miles a day to go to training. Wow. It was really good. I often think about that with sportsmen, you know when you know, when you find out like a player's moving, like how much their family must.

Yeah, they move like the solidity of their family. Solidity. Yeah. Stability. Stability. Like we've got a home. Our kids in a good school. Like that is right. Nicholas and Elka's Mrs. Has got no mates. Stability. You thick fuck. Yeah, like Darren Bent as kid. I've got no mates. Stability, you thick fuck.

Yeah, imagine Darren Bent as kid. I was like, I can't go to school here. There's so much to be said for going. I mean, also, it's your club. It's not just you get to live at home. You ran the gaff, surely. My club? 17 years somewhere, you must be pretty.

You are like a mage man. I didn't run the club. No, I know what I meant, like, hypothetically. I played occasionally, actually. And then it got to the point where I was like, away games, not sure. Mondays, I'm not sure. And then it moved from me pulling sickies every Monday. I'd always have the shits DMV and all that.

I got COVID like 11 times. And it's a bad chicken last night, I can't make it in today. And they're like, this is mental. And then the for the last two years, I'd signed a contract. When I renegotiated said, look, I'll take less money, but I want Monday's off. And they're like, yeah, cool. Yeah, I went, now the speed at which they agreed to that was like, we don't want you about here any more than you need to be. I was like, great.

And they were like, oh yeah, but that's just a gentleman's agreement. We'll have that in place. I went, no, no, I need it written down in case another coach gets sacked. He doesn't like that clause. And comes in, turns out the coach got sacked. A new one came in and went,

what the flying fuck is this clause? No, he's got to come in on a Monday. I went, check the contract. Didn't go down well. Are you, what are you doing? Are you going into coaching? Are you interested in that? You're going to like what? He's doing it. He's smashing it. No, you know, you don't want to stay in the game now. I don't, I think it's a mix of, I don't want to stay in the game and the game doesn't want me to stay in it. the game now? I think it's a mix of I don't want to stay in the game and the game doesn't want me to stay in it. Joe they fucking loved you. No, they got on really well with the fans. You're a fucking legend. And even opposition fans loved to like, you were the heel. Yeah because I gave him like nine point head start every game because he's not a penalty so give

away. Yes get that guy playing we love him he gives us a chance. No I don't I'm not interested. You finished with the game though yeah? No I've done it long enough. If I then turn around to my wife and said I'm gonna get back in the game and then I'll be out more. Not even like pondatory no? No. So. I got the vibe about three or four minutes into this podcast that Joe is a bit done with rugby. Like, the amount of... The guest you've had on your show... By the way, we need to plug that properly, but... Like, no, is it what people do?

Yeah. It's fucking... It's what people do, sorry, mate. No, you've now had the plug. You've now had it as much as I have. Because every time the team are like, do you want someone to come with you? I went, no, no, I've got this. It's fine.

They don't even know that I'm doing this one. This was just us reaching out. I was like, I want to go on that one. They're like, what are you doing? It's class. You've had great guests on it. The show's class. The clip's fucking bang.

Like, why would you then want to... He's obviously a bit bored of the game. Yeah, I show's class, the clip's fucking bang. Like why would you then wanna, he's obviously a bit bored of the game and whatever. You're not gonna wanna go back, you've got proper autonomy. You've got what you've got. No, but I do, I'm grateful for the game. I don't want it to come across like, I'm not a thief, but I'm grateful for what the game's given me

and how much fun I had doing it. But it was like fucking long time that I'm like, no, I love doing this. I love meeting different people from different parts of the world and people that don't know anything about rugby because then we can just talk about people drinking out of kids' noncy beakers, which is far more fun than... Shocking your mate off.

Noncy beaker. Late night BBC then. Don't take a beaker to the fucking gym. Oh, right. Good. Everyone's judging you. Adam might not be when he's on a chilled day. What about the alternative when you go in the gym and you see those guys with the fuck off? Stanley Cup. No, the Colossal.

You know those massive things. You're never getting through that mate. What are you doing? Some people do that and that's their target for the day in it. It's like 20 cups of water Now I just don't know why you can't have a smaller thing and fill it up because then you forget to fill it up If you just fill it up in the morning, you're like, I've got to get to all of them Yeah, I'll often go in the gym I've got a garage. Oh, so you've do the home. yeah. Yeah, but I used to, I loved the gym when I was playing.

I used to like love it, love it. And then I stopped and I was like, oh yeah, I'm gonna love to carry on with the gym because the thing is, and then I stopped. It was like, well, no, because why? Why am I going to the gym? Why am I going in the garage? Do you know what I mean?

I tried. And it was like, oh, I thought I did it because I loved it, but I did it because I had to do it. I had to be big and strong and all that lot. And then you had to sort of change the things. You look at yourself in the mirror now and you go, what's the point in this? And what do I...

No, it's in the sense of... I used to have to... You don't need that body anymore. I don't need to be this big anymore. I don't need to be 39.8 on the fucking Richter scale. Are you actually going to drop weight? Is this the plan? Because you're only seven or eight months retired, is that right? Yeah, yeah. And the plan was to drop the weight.

I think that's not that realistic at this moment in time. All right, yeah. Because I really like food. I like food a lot. Fucking class. First thing you did was criticize my bolognese recipe, but I respect it. I didn't criticize your bolognese, I criticized how chunky your carrots were. I didn't criticize it, I just offered some feedback. Well, I appreciate it and I can't wait to try the sugary milky bolognese that you've suggested next time. Why have you ended it like that, you cat? Joe Marla, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks so much for coming in, Joe.

Things people do. With Tom... Four dice. Four dice. Oh, hang on. Did you... You lot of football, aren't you? Yeah. He used to be on Pete Crouch's podcast. He was like the, and then he sorted himself out. What do you mean sorted himself out? I didn't finish off the sentence. I meant he sorted himself out his own podcast company. That makes more sense. I thought you meant he'd just seen sense. No, I'd noticed that the pod was wrapping up. I didn't want to finish the sentence anymore because I thought it'd be quicker. Give Joe a follow on socials. He's a fucking class follow

and thanks very much for coming in. Thank you for having me. Have you got a shy tune? Oh no, before we do, we need to mention this before I forget. Karaoke is on Saturday the 6th of September. Get your tickets now before they sell out. There are 10 of it at Teddy's. 7 till 10 on the 6th of September. Tickets at dannightingale.com. And I'm at Hot Water on Thursday the 28th of August with me, Eshaan, a special guest and Simon Wozniak.

That's the only one of that little run that's not sold out, and that's because I'm in Liverpool a lot, but that night will be class because it's me, my boy Ishan, great Bill. DanNightingale.com. Yeah, we got a tune this week. We spoke about The Beatles before. This is from Fiona Lennon.

So it's not far away. Oh, I like her. His daughter. This is from Fiona Lennon, and this is called I Love You Baby. Bye, Felicia. This is from Fiona Lennon and this is called I Love You Baby. You got me hoping for a future thinking all about my past Got me holding all my hands and begging everything will last Oh my love, it's always easier when you call You call How does anyone do anything at all? And I love it when you're lying next to me

When you look at me I know you see my soul I know you see my soul There ain't no question you've got me and I've got you No, there ain't no one else that makes me feel the way that you do You got me hoping for ain' all about my past Got me holdin' up my hands and beggin' everything will last Oh, I love you, it's always easier when you call How does anyone do anything at all? And I love it when you're lying next to me When you look at me I know you see my soul

Give me your love Give me your love Give me your love Give me your love I'll love you baby Don't you see Got me falling, falling, falling, falling deep I'll love you baby, don't you see? Got me falling, falling, falling, falling deep