Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #341 with Callum Oakley - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: August 10, 2025

Tickets for the ARENA SHOW, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tour: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tour: https://dannightingale.comComedian's Club Chester: https://www.comediansclubchester.comDan & Finn's September Karaoke Party: https://www.skiddle.com/e/40966945Listen to Finn's music: https://bio.to/FinnlayKAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Huel | https://huel.com/haveawordpodGet Huel today with this exclusive offer for New Customers of TEN Pounds OFF + a FREE Gift with code haveawordpod at https://huel.com/haveawordpod (Minimum £60 purchase)Saily | https://saily.com/Download SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, Lids? Before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand-up special, what's wrong with me, is out right now on the have-a-word YouTube channel. That's YouTube.com slash have-a-word pod, if you're listening on audio. And if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there.

It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane. And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it. but do as a favour. If you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment and especially share it. Put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us.

Let's blitz the views we did on my last special. I'm really proud of this one. Not just the stand-up, like obviously I'm proud of the hour of stand-up that I wrote and it went well all over the country, but the amount of work and effort and attention to detail that Will Huchby and the rest of the team have put in to creating this product is just levels above above anything we've ever done before and I can't wait to see what everyone thinks of it

so what's wrong with me, full stand-up special out now on the podcast YouTube channel that's YouTube.com slash have a word pod watch it, like it, share it, appreciate it and I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode, it's class. Welcome to the Have a Word podcast. I'm here with my good friend and business partner

Carl and my god we've achieved a lot on this podcast in the last five and a half years it doesn't get any bigger than this we are back with a podcast live show at the arena in Liverpool on Saturday the 20th of December it's going to be a podcast extravaganza stand up in the first half booze in the break and then we have a podcast live show we have essentially a party if you were there three years ago you know how good it gets it's just a celebration of everything, have a word. Are you excited about this car? I'm so excited because the names you've got lined up

are going to change how you view podcasts, mate. How have they got him? How have they got them? Yeah, it's going to be an amazing podcast party right before Christmas. It'll be the last thing you do just before Christmas and then you shut it down for Christmas Gooch and New Year's Eve. Imagine this for one second.

I love the Have Away podcast. Wow, I love them, boys. I've watched it for five years. Wow. I'm going to give it a miss out of the arena It's not for me January comes Everyone's going

They just hear about the arena Can you blit You don't know a thing mate You don't know a thing mate You don't have to loop No one even likes you anymore So you can get

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Don't be the guy goes, I didn't go because I went shopping instead. Silly Billy. That was a really good pre-roll. Cheers, me. He did really well there. You were great on today's episode. As ever. Thank you. As ever. It was a great episode with insert name. Don't you agree? I love insert name. Yeah. Enjoy.

Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game. From the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Cal and Finn. This is the one and only. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best products on the market for below-the-waist groomer. Go, Ed. Get on me. And we are back. You are back. Hello.

Day release. Hello. Hello. How are you? You looked tan. You look red. I always look red. More red on an iPhone.

On an iPhone, I look fucking awful. I think that's what I actually look like. But on my Android, it's much more forgiving. Laura took a picture of me and was like, this is... No, that's right. Oh, great. The heart attack's coming. It'll be fine. I've had a good run.

Oh, you're just a pale boy. Yeah. I did not enjoy you. You call me a pale boy. I don't know what that little flinch in terms. You're like me, you're just not a tansman. I get a nice tan face and everywhere else I go like a lobster. I've got like a Syrian head and a Welsh belly.

I mean, you can't. I could confirm. Yeah. He's seen his belly. He's got a Welshman's belly. Yeah, it's just so white and it goes so pink. I tried to be sensible with the old sun exposure. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Where were you to get, Malaga? Mayoka. Yeah, yeah. Mayoka. We weren't anywhere near Al-Qudia. So, sorry for saying I was going to Al-Qudia. I thought I was.

I thought I was while we were in the hotel. I was like, this is Al-Cudia. So I kept saying to Laura, we'll pop out. Apparently the town's great. great for kids, loads of restaurants. It'd be fun. She was like, which town? I was like, Al-Qudia.

She was like, yeah, I don't know how close that is. I was like, I'll just check. An hour and 18-minute drive to Al-Qudia. We were nowhere fucking near. So I'd gone, we should go to Al-Qudia. And Laura was like, yeah, I'll find the right hotel. Because we wanted one of them sort of family rooms that's got,

it's like a little flat. And not a lot of hotels do that. And she was like, yeah, I've booked Al-Qudia. She said this nine, ten months ago. And I meant, I thought she meant, I booked Al-Qudia. What she meant was on the same island as Al-Qudia. We were in Al-Qudia, like Huddersfield is near Heighton.

Like, it's ridiculous how far we were. Yeah, you're not, you're not... Like, that would be ideal if you needed to, like, pick a couch up from Al-Qudia, wouldn't it? Like, have I said to you... Which I don't do on holiday much. Yeah. But if I was like, I found, you know, that couch you're off there? Someone's got one, but it's in Al-Cudia.

It's an hour and 20 minutes where you'd be like, that's doable. That's fine. My top limit. But for potatoes, bravas, you're not driving an hour and hour away. Ah, the old patatas bravas. So the hotel holiday that I didn't want to do where you don't leave the hotel is exactly what we did. And it fucking worked great.

It was a really nice hotel. The rooms were a bit scruffy. They were a bit of a disappointment. I was a bit, you know, when you're tired when you first get there and I'm like, this isn't four star. Yeah. But that was fine because we were hardly in it. Everything else was lovely.

I've not done an all-inclusive for a while. The food was gorgeous. I'm Fussy. Jack's 4 and Fussy. The girls were happy. That worked really well. We got there too early. I'm not doing that again.

I'm not doing 3 a.m. wake up for a 4 a.m. set off for a 7 o'clock flight. Because it's a fucking shit. You're basically... You're trying to buy back. They're shit drinkers. Yeah.

Because they get racist. My kids get so racist when they're drunk. And that's... That's for Laura. But that is Laura. She's from Nottingham. We got to the hotel at 2.30 in the afternoon. We couldn't get in the room yet.

And you just sort of, you're the last round of the pool. The weather was awful. You're like, what are we doing here? Why didn't we just get, so much better getting a lunchtime flight and then getting in in the evening. Who gives a fuck about that first day? Not doing that again. We got to Palmer Airport, which I'm not saying is shit,

but was well dodgy on the way in. Everything was fucked. We got off the plane and I'm like, let's get through. Passport control, because that's always a ballache in it. Right? Let's get, let's get through. Like a musical camera. Laura and her tiny bladder, she was like, oh, I do need a wee now.

So we got, so they went for what felt like a 25-minute piss. I watched at least 300 people go past us. We were off the plane really early. I was like, right, they're all in passport control. Walk around, I was like, instantly into a queue. I was like, well, this can't be passport control. This has got to be for something. else. We were

500 people back on passport control. Kid queue. We were the kid queue because it's fucking term out of term. Everyone's got kids. The fast line is the adult one. If you have over 12 year olds, you can go...

You could have gone in that line and gone to Jack andetta and just gone meet us, we'll go and get the suitcases. We'll meet you on the other side. And why have your kids been Madeline McCand? Because we left them in a 500 person queue. In fact, you wouldn't abducted kids at that point. No. Yeah. No. She got

They got it through passport control. Quite famously. Yeah. Yeah. They were good then. Yeah. But they didn't fancy tapas at that point. Question. Why do you take your kids on all of the year in August? Why didn't you just take them in fucking February? Um, well, yeah, Mallorca, not a great place to go in February. But you could go somewhere

else is what you say. Tenreef. Right. Yeah, well, we'll think about that. Traditionally, we are going to keep our kids in school during school. Oh, it's just so boring. But they're at the right time now. They're not learning anything real. Oh, we'll just, we'll homeschool them in Tenerife then.

Yeah, that's great. You could do history. I could do the history of Tenerife. Whatever she likes. So we're in... I'll do you a few maths videos. Yeah. I mean, they'll definitely turn up.

And Carl can teach them Japanese. Yeah. Yeah, because that's what he taught in Japan. That's why they wanted a scouser to teach them Japanese. So we were in this queue and it was going nowhere. And I was like, oh, this is such a fucking stress. And Jack wandered three yards. to the right, just fucking daydreaming.

And a 10-year-old was running full pelt and hit him. Like, if you watch the NFL, sometimes a smaller dude will get pancaked by like a linebacker. And everyone's like, whoa, possible concussion. This kid hit him full fucking pelt. I saw it.

Jack just went, pang, backwards. Hang. Hit pang, backwards. Hit his head on the marble floor. Because this happened in an episode of the be, you know. He went, biff, baff, And screamed His parents didn't even come over

Just like, did you do that? He screamed so loud That a guy that was sort of patrolling the queue Like working for the airport Went you guys come with us And we took our hemorrhaged Whatever brain damaged Jack had Past 500 people

Through straight to the front of the security Like you don't want your child to get a traumatic brain injury. But you're happy about it. But if he's going to get a traumatic brain injury. Get it in the airport QAF. That's a good hack that. Slap your kid, get to the front of the Q.

Just a little. Ah, this is a nightmare. Dig. Oh, fucking hell, Jose. So we got through that. That was fine. Just pay another person's kid. Just go up to a kid and go away.

There'd be four Pesatas to punch my kids, Eddham. Yeah. And they're going to take Pesatas. They haven't been in circulation since 1999. But kids are stupid. They won't know. this has no value but you take that bang it probably has a lot of value

if he finds the right collector yeah rare points it's probably worth more if you've got like like a perfect mint condition 10 peseta no talk or you now if you find some Spanish guns who loves us cash you fucking have that off you

I love cash mint condition means it has to come from the Spanish mint like straight out and then like my nan's got loads of pesetas There's just in, like, the back of a cup. I'll have them off her. Yeah. So, hang on.

Who am I bribing with these mint condition? Pesetas. The kid from... The kid. Would you just tell them, hey, if you find it like that? Yeah, yeah. If you find the right Spanish cunt who loves cash, this is hard. I know you've four.

But you just put this away. A lot of people have icers. You don't need them. You've got these four shiny pesetas. Don't say ICE's in the airport. Anyone got ICE? Um, so... Hotel's nice, did a lot of lounging around the pool.

We made holiday friends. Oh, holiday friends. You did, or the kids did. The kids did, and then the parents were dead sound. Okay. And he was watching the... Go on, what would he call fucking Frankensoe? Watching the cricket.

How did you know? Because they're all called Franken Sue, aren't they? They were called Frankenstein. Can you look after the kids on Sati? We're going to Frank and Sue's. We met them in Benazone's. Right, well, they're in Essex. Yeah.

Oh, we're right. No, we're going to go and have a stay over. Frank and Sue's. We do it every year now since Benadorn or whatever the fuck you wear. You're going to do that, aren't you? You're going to have a boggle tournament with them. Crocodile Dundee.

Boggle with Franken Sue. It's worth the drive to Sik. What are their names? Nat and Joe. Oh, fuck these cunts, mate. Yeah. Nat and Joe. That's NPC names that.

He was watching the India special within about three hours. It was quality. I think he's a lid. It didn't take much. They had kids, they had an eight-year-old kid, Etta fell in love with their son. Yeah. It was really cute.

She proper loved him. It was his birthday on the Friday. And she was like, can we get, can we get Ronnie a present? Ronnie. Ronnie. Yeah. Like one of the craze? Yeah, that's what they named him after.

Either that or they were snooker fans. I don't know. That is literally the two options. Or comedy fans. From Essex. Cheng. I meant Corbett. I meant Corbett.

Who's Ronnie Wood? And that and Joe Chinese. Oh, okay. Yeah. And that and Joe Chinese? Yeah, they're Chinese. Oh, it'll be Ronnie Cheng then. Yeah, it's almost definitely Ronnie Chang.

What's the other kid called? Reggie. Lusang. He was called Louis. And he called me Grandad the whole holiday. You'd have loved him. He just went, this cunt's old, he's bald. He's a granddad.

So he just kept calling me granddad. At one point, We're in the pool. And I've gone, hey, Louie, stop calling me granddad. And he was like, I don't get what you mean, your granddad. And he was doing it. So it's got quite a fucking motor, Louis. And I'll say this, because I'm trying to be respectful.

He's four-year-old. What are you mean? He's got junk in the trunk this four-year-old. He's got a... He just had a lot of energy. And so when he wanted your attention, he could easily put together 60 or 70 granddad's in a row. Like, granddad, granddad, granddad, granddad, granddad.

Granddad! Granddad! Granddad! there was other English-speaking people around the pool desperately trying to work out the family dynamic of me and my Chinese son and daughter. They were like, how is he, the granddad though? Because they're like three years younger. And the pool sun lounger situation. I saw you became a talonts, didn't you?

You have to. It's just, I never wanted to be a town nonce. No, I do. or live long enough to see yourself become a towel. We got... I don't respect the towel rules, you know? If I get up and there's no one around a pill and there's towels everywhere,

I'll just take your towel and I'll throw it in a fucking pill and I'll be like, it wasn't me, bro. Right. That's going to get you killed. No, it won't. Murder's illegal throwing a towel in a pool, it's not? I just don't think I've got this. Social anxiety would take out.

I just think you've got to respect the towel. What time are you getting up, though, to do this? I didn't do it later than 6 a.m. That's fucking ridiculous. You're on holiday. I never set an alarm but my weak aging bladder helped me out

because I always stir at around 4 a.m. anyway. So I'll always like wake up a little bit and be like, fuck God, back to bed. But I tried to do it and I was like, towels. And I went and did the towels. My record was quarter past three in the morning.

What the fuck? Yeah. It's pitch black. I just did it in my kecks as well. I just did it in my own. There's no point putting a shirt on because no one's around. Some kids were coming back from a nightclub,

like some 17-18-year-olds. I heard them pissed coming back and I was like, oh God, this is too early. But there was no restrictions. So I'd posted... Were you and your undies as they were coming back on a nightclub? Yeah, they were on the road.

They didn't see me. They were drunk. I followed them for a bit, but... It's like you've escaped a care hole. Grandad! It's too early for the towels. Yeah, but I got my spot, though, didn't I? Every fucking day for eight days straight.

real estate. Yeah, like, I understand it's going to work. But you know what, it'll also work, having a little eye in, but until, what you have to do is on day one, figure out what time people are actually going down to the pool for. 7 a.m. Right? 7 a.m. the towels were going down. No, no, no, no.

What time they're actually going to sit at the pool? 9.30 onwards. So here's what you do. Fucking 10 past 9. Yeah? Yeah. You go down to the pool. So hang on.

I wake up naturally at half six and I just don't move at this point. Or are you waking up at 9? Well, here's the thing, you were waking up at half-six and you were getting anxious about the towels. That's what was keeping you to wake. But if you knew my system, you'd have been like, go, right? So you get up.

Do you have a gun for your system? No. All right. Don't need any threats. Take your fucking towel off that lounger. Bang, bang, you're dead. Because here's the thing, at some of those hotels, these Spanish cons who run it, yeah.

Like, if you've just, like, took two towels off through them in the pool and then you've got on those sunbeds. then the person will be like, me, it's easier, and my son, and then they'll come over to you and be like,

excuse me, sir, we have this tile reservation policy. But you've got four shiny pesetas. Listen, we know you're a money cut. Come on, take these.

What you do is, you go down, I'm assuming by 10 past nine, almost every sudden lounge lounge you've got tiles on. Yeah, right. So what you do is, you throw two in the pool,

any two that you want. Not on the side. You go pool. In the pill. It's breathe. right throw them in the pool yeah and then you get two tiles off and another two sunbeds and put them back on the one that you've vandalized right and then you spend like sort of 10 minutes just moving tiles around so almost everyone who comes down chaos their tiles are not

where they said i love it and then fucking jose the the waiter pool twat has to be hosier you'll have a cue of people go on my towel's not where like they were mine went over there mind me over there. He's got too much to deal with. You're just sat there having a peanut collada getting sucked off. That's genius.

Cool. By who? Oh, Laura. Laura. Wow, this is a daydream. Right, a couple of problems. Go on. All the same towels.

20 euro deposit. You get a massive beach towel. So virtually everyone was using the hotel. The day before, you need to go around marking towels. Mark towels. Hang on.

I've got a problem with this. How does anyone? knows how to do's. Because they leave them on the sun lounger and no one moves them around like they're shuffling a deck of cards. There's no one shuffling a deck of cards if they're all the age of spades. So that wouldn't work. That's a good point, actually.

If every car in the car part was the same, you wouldn't know which one was yours, you'd have forgotten. You just remember where you left it. Yeah, but then you, why didn't you just go to any sunbed that have the towel on it to start of the day and just be like, I came down and put mine on here. I don't know where yours are. This is mine. No, because I'd been up at quarter past three in the morning to. Yeah, but if you hadn't, why don't you just give yourself a lie in until fucking 20 past 9?

Go down and be like, no, this is my place. And they'd be like, no, I might put my tail here. You're like, you fucking never, go away. Kiss me ass. I just, I sort of want to go on holiday with you to see you do this. You did go on holiday with me, but you didn't watch me system with this because we're at the beach all day, fucking tickling Chinese people. September, you've got it. And now I've seen them again on holiday.

September, you can see the magic. Also, we all get in a 7 a.m. flight for that one. Yeah, but we're not. We didn't have another option. There wasn't another option for that one. If there's a lunchtime option, I'm taking it. But there wasn't a better option for the flights. You're not going to not go on holiday the day you want to go.

But that was a 7 a.m. This was cleared with you. shrouded from me. Yeah. No one asked me about this. So much of our business model. Adam, is this cool? Yeah, yeah, yeah, sound.

I have not taken that in. I have not taken that in. See you later. Did you share a bed? Well, you were away. Yeah, two out of the nine nights. What do you mean? Look, I spent the night in Laura's bed.

Yeah, my four-year-olds are terrorist. He's caught blocking. Oh, okay. Constantly. So then you went and slept in the other room? Yeah, I just two single beds and me and that's a night night, baby. I was in the kid's bed. It's a disgrace.

I can't wait for him to be 14. He's fine. He's great. Or if he's still doing it then? I have serious questions. I'll wrestle him. What age are you going to, you know, start? It's got to be by next holiday.

sleep in your own bed for fuck sake oh my god sure you got like with like a if you get like a puppy right they say you shouldn't use puppy pads anymore you should just train it from the off this is where you piss

I think you should have already been doing it with Jack this is where you sleep or Laura just doesn't want to spend the night with me so she's like oh god he's in the bed again is he not what you do no he just gets in our bed then within an hour forces you has moved sideways.

So we're lying vertically. He's horizontal and he just constantly kicks you. He's saying this is my territory. Oh, he's an absolute alpha dog. I'll boot him out of the window. He's not doing this at five years old. Next year we're going away. Same time of year.

Same similar holiday. Not Mallorca, maybe even 10, 11 days. But he's got to be in his own bed by then. It's a fucking, like, not that we were going to put up a load of red cars this holiday. It wasn't going to work out. Did you get any pussy?

A little bit of pus. Less than you'd a light, though. Yeah, the timing wasn't good, if you know what I mean. How many? I was tired from the towels. How many? On the Arsvin scale. It wasn't Amfield.

It wasn't unfilled. It was put in one. I got, like, there was nothing happening on that front. And I got to the point where, on the. penultimate day I had a little like do you know

when you just go for a little chat and then I gave Laura a bit of a squeeze and a hug and my dick

was like what's happening Dan and I was like napping it off I'm just gonna go and have a wank I literally

I don't think I've ever spoken like that I was like babe I'm just gonna go and have a wank she was like all right

seeing a bit just went and crack one out in the room sure yeah yeah that's good holiday

that's just that is a man who is not getting the post when he's like, babe, I'm going for a wank scene a bit. Be back in 15. Does she not go, hey, give it here. Round the pill.

Oh, you were in, oh, I thought you were in bed. No. I didn't think you'd be, like, groping by the pool. No, I just, a little kiss and a squeeze. Nothing like too, not like heavy petting. Light petting. Yeah, yeah. She's a beautiful woman.

She's giving off some vibes. Yeah. Nothing's happening. I have never masturbated next thing. You know, when people do that thing of, like, I just, I just crack one out. when she's next to me. Never done that.

I've never been in her bed with her. You know the couples are like, oh yeah, I've just, while they're awake, like, oh, you just thought yourself out. Never done that. I have. Yeah?

Yeah. I kind of like it. I haven't done it for a long time. Is it, it's a sign of something probably not great in the relationship that she's not like, I'll help out.

It was more the other way around where it was like, I was like, you're not as good at this as I am. You know, I might as well park the car. Did you take over? No. Oh, right.

She was doing it and you went, hey, get off. That might have been the first one, but eventually I was just like... She would just like to say parking a car? Like reverse parking. Get out. I'll do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like, it's my car. I know the dimensions of it. You got to scratch it. Someone else doing it's nice. Sorry, I'm going to reword that. Laura doing it is nice.

Isn't it? Yeah. See, I've seen your bit about the old Wanky Woo's And I know what you mean About when they're giving the hand job Yeah And it's a very good bit

But she's not great at it But it still feels great It's still, I still really like it When she doesn't No, I don't mind It's like a warm-up If I know something better's on the way Do you know what I mean?

It's not a. Yeah. Yeah. It's a garlic bread But you can do it with cheese yeah so like you know that's the thing like if we're in the house I might as well do the whole meal watch me analogy here right so come on Freddie right

I'm the better cook yeah you can do the starter but I'm not trusting you at the main course so if the main course is a full wank I'll just do the whole thing but if I'm going to get a Bolognese, then I'll let you start. I quite enjoy. I quite enjoy starting and then

like her finishing me off like Mortal Kombat coming in and doing a finishing move. It's great. That's my new thing. I'm basically, I'm at the point now where our sex life is better than it's been but I, my sex drive is up

because of the TRT. I was like, if you're not in the mood, why don't you just come in, give us a little kiss? You know, I'll do 80% of the work. You come in for the closing 20%. How do you time that, though? Do you text her?

I think I might have, yeah. Yeah, because the kids are asleep. I'm like, come in, grab a D. It's fucking great. I really like it. And then she just whispers Spanish things in my ear. That's okay. You want pesetas.

You want shiny pesetas. It's okay. That's okay. Hi, puppy. Great. Works for me. That is hot. Yeah.

Not when you do it, but. Oh, no, cool. You can imagine Laura doing it. Yeah. And that turned them on. Oh, yeah. She's great at race play.

So is race play the dessert in the... Oh, God. The buffet food? Great. I really enjoyed that. And it was branded soft drinks and proper beer at the bar. What was the pool bar? Mahau.

Mau. Meher. Yeah. Mayhu. Mau. Mahal. People say it differently. but it's a lager I drink over here happily.

So I put it in the same category as Cruz Campo. So all good. So it's fine. Yeah. Estreia Galithia. That's sort of like decent lager. It's brilliant. I like the Galithia. I don't like Australia damn too flat. Rumpy Spanish bitch. Working at the snack hut.

She's like, every time you went up, she's like, I don't speak Spanish. But you could tell she was like, oh, for fuck sake. Another customer. Jesus. You're like, you knobbed. You work at a whole. put next to a fucking swimming pool where you're giving away,

I know it's not free because you're paid. She's giving away free soft drinks, free beers, chicken and chips and chips and chicken and chips. You're like, of course it's going to be fucking busy. She's like, oh God, another fat cunt. Yeah, I'm very understanding of people like that, to be honest with, yeah. She didn't dream of being that? No.

I know, but she is getting paid to do it, isn't she? Yeah, yeah, but totally. And I get one bad day where she's like, I just feel a bit stressed out. It's eight days in a row fucking grumpy Maria. Like, oh, no. She's working in a huts doing a job

she probably ate, living a life she doesn't dream of and maybe trying to save money to get to something that doesn't make her want to blow her own head off. And then she's got fucking fat, like old, like British people coming over here, like, there's another beer there for free. You can't even tip her because there's no thing. Shit job.

Yeah. She's probably miserable. Like, just let her be miserable. You're not an oldie. Yeah. She's watching people on holiday whilst being as far away from her holiday as you can be. I think she might have been doing the wrong job

because you can do jobs that you ate and not be that visibly annoyed about it. But she was fine. She got the job done, didn't she? Did you have that? Was that entertainment at the hotel? Yes, mate. What was it?

There's proper, like, high-end haven mates knocking about some very talented people. And talented girls. And they were great, They were brilliant with the kids, and their shows were good. There was a rock show. It was just some failed musicians. I honestly looked at the moment, Finn,

this is like the darkest future for you. If you doesn't take off. Oh, I've been offered cruisers. Oh, I've not taken them, but I've been offered cruisers. Oh, my. On boats or like George Michael. Both, actually. Mainly the boat one.

There was an African circus show. What? That was just a lot of black dudes balancing. Even Etta gave up after a half an hour. One more. And like things. Like, things.

I had like a round thing and then a ball. A flat, like bit. And then he'd be like, oh, we can stand up on that. That was an hour and a quarter. Amazing. To music or just silence? No, to total silence. What you want about.

Another thing. Like, it was full music. Oh, right. Okay. I mean, honestly, if I never see another hotel family show, that's absolutely fine. one night they did like a dance interpretation to the film Moana just sort of had bits of the film Moana on and then came and danced

yeah I bet they loved that the kids yeah I think even they thought it was a bit shit it's just at all I'd pretending pretending to be the island of Tofiti it was fucking mental but again the kids love it there's five six seven hundred people watching it it's all part of the deal in it you can't be like this is shit I want to see Alfie Brown like you are going to get like a family show it's not for me

I once entered plus I was tired because I kept getting up at dick at o'clock to do the towels I once entered or was kind of pressured to enter

the sexiest man in the hotel competition in Egypt how old were like 15 16 was everyone else there it wasn't just like

you and the manager so this is the thing right so there was a a lad that came up who worked at the hotel and he was like we need people for this and you had to do like

a Michael Jackson impression so I had to like dance and that you had to do a push up competition. There's all the things you could do to impersonate Michael Jackson. And stuff like that

and then it was like talent. So I don't know, but it was kind of, it was me, a Ukrainian fella who was buffed and he was dead sad. And this is like pre-war as well so I don't know what you were talking. He knew what was coming.

A Kazakhstan or... Who are you on holiday with? He's not even all my life. Who the fuck has been on a holiday with a Ukrainian, a Kazakhstanian and a lad from Wigan? It sounds like a joke, isn't it? We didn't go together.

Quite niche. Yeah. but and then some other like European fella and we did the thing we did the competition didn't nail that out where he's from we did the competition oh no what the

it was an older fella who was European but he had a big mustache and he did you know the kind of Russian dancing where they like kicked the legs up he was doing all that gear German dancing no that's Russian yeah it's like Keith Lemon thing

did he do it to piss off the Ukrainian yeah honestly he smashed it he should have won but we got through and it got to the end You got to line up. How many rounds was there in this? I was like, honestly, it was like,

and we got to the end, and you had to line up behind the person that, like, you liked, whatever. The Ukrainian came last. He was a bit of a cunt anyway, so good. And then everyone started walking off, and the staff started going like, no, you've got to stay.

And the fella came up to me, and he was like, you must keep everyone in your line because otherwise he shouts at us and it was like the head of the hotel and he was just watching it, like Carlo and Solotti. Apparently he screamed at all the staff,

They left the, like, sexiest man competition. It was like whiplash. He was like J.K. Simmons. What was your talent? Because you can't do the flag thing for your talent. I think I did magic. I was in my magic phase. It was when I used to do close-up magic.

So you did a Michael Jackson impression, 10 press-ups and then magic? Well, I tried to do. I thought I could do the moonwalk and I couldn't. I was just stepping backwards. And then I did press-ups, which I was in my, like, I was, like, skinny. And I was in my, like, jiu-jitsu era. So I did well with the magic. They all overlapped.

And then I think I did some magic. At least the glove comes in handy for both. But then the audience didn't really get the magic because I was on stage. I was away from everyone, so they couldn't really see the card I was doing. I didn't really have any other talents. Did you win?

Like choking people out. Did you win? I think I came like second or third, which I'm happy with. The Ukrainian fella came last and the fellow who's doing the Kazakhstan fellow won. Which, I mean, you know, I think he was a deserved winner.

Yeah, I didn't do the talent show. I don't want to get involved in any of that shit on holiday. I'm there to chill out. You're a star. Yeah, I'd win. You're above it. You're 26 years old. I just want to chill. If you were there, like, I'm just here with the boys.

I mean, none of the shit they do. Do you know, they're like, come and do. I don't want to do. Yeah, you do. These little fucking dependents, like, let's have a dream holiday. I just want to do the thing. Water aerobics can fuck off. All that shit.

The only one. is like volleyball or um throw in one water polo yeah they're fine but i didn't get any of that as a kid we didn't do any of the like all inclusive because we were just staying in the house in turkey so we did our own talent shows that was just me and my family yeah i was singing like gareth gates and that that's what we did cool yeah i'm an old day at the minute as of today as of tonight, after tonight. Where you go? Oh, yeah?

Town. What? I'm on holiday year. You're having a staycation at Pogues? Yeah. I haven't got a toilet anymore. With back to that. If any man that I know

needs to have a toilet, it's you. Yeah, so, uh, ripped me bathroom out yesterday. Turns out, you know, the previous owners have done a really good job of looking after the house, but not really looking after. after the bathroom.

The shower, you know, like the cladding on the shower, that, like, most people would have, like, tiles, porcelain, something non-porous. It's made of wood. Ooh. So some of the floorboards have rotted, so they're getting replaced today.

And the way the toilet is, like, piped in. The toilet sort of currently faces that way on, like, an angle. So the bathroom's, like, a funny shape. It's got, like, a... a corner cut off sort of thing and the toilet comes off the angled corner it's moving to the other wall

but because of that the pipe has to go in the bathroom which is getting like boxed in like we did in Runcorn with our stuff and then that's getting tiled over but then we had to try and get a toilet that can be plumbed from the side because it can't be plumbed from the back

on the new angle because of the way the house has been extended there's nowhere on the exterior of the building to get a pipe out and back in they've basically done a bit of a mental job of piping the fucking bathroom. It's absolutely insane. Right. How long are you

without a toilet here? So, the toilet should be functional again on Monday. Right. Because, so what has to happen is they have to do the plumbing for the new toilet. Then they have to take the toilet

out so that the bathroom can be tiled. And then you can't walk on the tiles for like 24 to 36 hours until they're properly dry, especially in a bathroom, then you have to tile the walls, because now you can walk on it again. And then once that's done, you can put

the toilet back in, the bath back in, and then all the plumber is done, it's just then connections. So, like, sounds cheap. The guy who's overseeing it was like, I'm going to really push to get this done for the weekend for you. And then yesterday I was talking to the plumber, and he was like, I can't get this done on the

weekend. He's like, the tiles aren't going on until Friday, so it's going to be Saturday. So it's going to be Saturday night before. four days dry he's like and then you know i'm not working sunday lads and like you know it's at least a day's work and maybe a day and a half to two and i was like right so monday tuesday and he's like i'll try and get it done monday for you but i can't guarantee you so i just text me missus and was like fancy hotel until tuesday nice so i've just booked it into a hotel but the annoying thing is we we're both because we were originally planning to have like a little housewoman this sunday

but it is it's not the builder's fault it's my fault i've added to the job and like being like Like, let's just get that done now. Like the kitchen, we were just going to rewrap it and leave it for a couple of years. And then the functionality of the kitchen was doing me. So I've ripped the kitchen out and we've put a new kitchen in. All of that is the lady. But I had time off coming up and she had booked time off, including this Sunday and Monday, to have a housewoman and then sort of plan for a bit of a hangover.

So after this evening, she's off until next Wednesday. and I'm off until next Wednesday because I've got no gigs after tonight until... Why are you not going away? Yeah, I thought that. Do you need to be there to just sort of oversee it a bit? What I wanted to do, the original plan at the time off,

was I wanted to just live in the house. I want to enjoy the mortgage. That's not going to happen, so I was just like, why don't we just come and stay in town? I can still nip back on them forward to the house if they need me for anything. And, like, we're in the Hope Street Hotel,

which is fucking gorgeous. It's right in the middle of the town. Like, Saturday we're going to get up. Jack's in London on Saturday for something. So we're going to get up, take Pez off Jack's mum, take him for a walk, like, in North Wales or the lakes or something, all day. So that's fine. And then Sunday, Liverpool playing the Community Shield against Palace.

So he's going to go to the pub and have 10 pounds and watch that. Nice. And then Monday, do a little spar at the Hope Street Hotel. And then by Tuesday. Nice. Yeah, it's just a little. We don't have to go anywhere. And you've got a summer break coming up

because we're going to Turkey in September. We are. And I've got to go to Lisbon for a gig at the end of August. Basically, my cousins getting married in Poland and I was supposed to be going. So Alex booked that time off work at the end of August for the wedding. I now can't do the wedding because of the TV show we've got in development. I got asked to make sure I block a couple of dates off at the end of the month for that

in case it gets commissioned. and it goes early sort of thing and we have to have pre-production meetings and stuff so I can't go to the wedding in Poland but what I can do is for an extra two days on top of what I would have I can go to Lisbon so Alex has already got the time off

we're just going to go to Lisbon for an extra two days and apparently it's like one of the food capitals of Europe food and wine there's just fucking unbelievable I think me and Ishan are going to go to Lisbon next year at some point and put a show on because is he called Andre de Freitas he's got a gig

and there's like a, there's an English-speaking comedy community. I don't know if it's quite to the same standard as what Kyla Kobler's involved in in Barcelona, but apparently there's a scene where you can go and put a show on. Well, they're doing a comedy festival, that's why I'm going. So there's a European promoter called A Comic Soul. They actually did Shane Gillis' last tour over here. Nice.

They do a lot of Americans. They sort of rival Live Nation for Americans coming over here, and they got in touch them like, would you come and do a show in Portugal and we'll pay your flight accommodation and give you like 500 quid. And I was like, yeah. I kind of want to sit here break with Ishan anyway,

but if there's a gig, then it's all going on the expenses. So I've got that little break coming off where we go away. And they're paying for that. Well, after the break, we've got a couple of comedy questions, so we'll keep this theme going. See you shortly.

By the way, can I just suggest something? Go on. You don't need it, but I bought a wallet about a year ago, and I've never looked back. I mean, I got a card holder. I got bullied out of my wallet. Yeah, no, because you had 7,000 things in it, your window. Years ago I did, and then I cut down to, like, you know, six cards.

You still had a Matalan card when you showed us your wallet. No, that, no, that was, that was in Runcorn. I mean, when I showed you here about two years ago, whereas now I'm down to a card holder. Just get a little fucking card holder. It is a card holder, but it also holds all your cash. Oh, yours is a thin, but look at this piece. Yeah, no, that you can't have, that had you. Mine's got an only fan of it.

This is why you're not allowed in the kitchen. Here we go, right. We're passing this on. It's Harry now. Genuinely, I only found that out the other day, and I couldn't find it for ages. Mine's got the pink slip for my car in it. The pink slip?

What is this need for speed? What's a pink slip? He's got the V5 in as well. No, he hasn't? Yeah, he does. Yeah, it's all, don't show it to the camera. Oh, my God. That's not the V5?

The pink slip? I don't know. I thought that's what it's called. It's got the new owner V5 thing. But that's redundant. Where's the full fucking V5? I don't know. I lost it for my last car as well.

When I traded my car in. And you mentioned how that is? So the thing, so when I traded my car in, shout out to the fella at motor range, who swept this under the rug. I dropped my car in and he called me up afterwards. He was like, yeah, we've put it through the system. And we've just realised we didn't actually take your documents off of you for the car. Because we didn't actually think anyone would buy that piece of shit.

And I went, oh, it was in the glove box. It's fine. thinking it'd be sweet because I'm knowing full well that it wasn't and then I was like the car's just going to go to a scrapyard anyway and a couple months later I checked it's got road tax on it

so someone's driving it round but I'm pretty sure if they go through a speed camera then I get done that's how it works in it yeah well enjoy your court appearance can I make a recommendation sign up to the patron patron dot com slash have a word pod

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nearly 30,000 legends cannot be wrong. Patreon.com slash have word pod. Couldn't have said it best of myself. That was a great advert. Shall we do some... Welcome. Oh, it's a remix in it. I've never heard this.

It's good that he's hearing jingle for. Adam not hearing it is part of the fun. Sai says, I've been doing stand-up for the first time in no small part because you guys inspired me to try it and I'm about 25 gigs in. And what I wear on stage keeps bugging me.

Like, I don't want the best... I don't know what the best... outfit for stand-up is. Some of the lads I gig with look fucking scruffy, but at the same time, I don't want to turn up to a gig like it's a court appearance. So, do you two have stage clothes, or have you ever had to plan what you gig in?

I used to. You used to have a jacket that you had a bit about that was fucking great. Yeah, but, like, I did just do that bit with whatever jacket I had on. Yeah, I know what you mean. But you had to wear a jacket because of the bit. Because the bit was great.

Yeah, but I also wrote the bit because I always wore a jacket. So it was a real sort of, you know, potato-potazzo situation. Yeah. Then you have a comedy T-shirt as well. I seem to remember Carl mentioning that. No, when I first started, there's a photo of me on stage in a T-shirt. With a shirt over it, it's not just a T-shirt. And it said sort of like drink, triple C, double-act single.

Nice. Got a lot of pussy from that. It's Pithaza. But when you knew, you don't know. I get the confusion for him because he's, when you knew you're like a fucking, like a baby calf that hasn't walked properly and it's all

a bit confusing. And so I get the instinct of like, what am I to be doing here? I used to think about it a lot and like I used to here's the thing, there's loads of comedians who've got rules for what they wear on stage. Some comedians still to this day are like

oh, I always wear a blazer and a shirt and whatever. And it's like, right, okay. Like all I have to do like it you know it's what I have to wear and I for a while wore jeans trainers but like smart trainers and a bomber jacket with a t-shirts and I wouldn't really go and I feel really uncomfortable doing stand up in anything else then I got to a point where I was like right well if I'm doing new stuff I won't wear the jacket I'll wear a hoodie so I'm a bit more casual like the bits are yeah and then I just got to a point where I was like I just this is all

bollocks. Like, it just doesn't matter. And that's what I actually think now. Now you just wear what you're wearing. Yeah. Like, what... I was talking to Joe de Rosa about this.

So Joe, for anyone who doesn't know, it's like a legendary US comic. Like, everyone... All of your favourite comics is one of their favorite comics. Goodmate's with the likes of Bill Bear. He came over with Shane Gillis and did the tour with him over here.

And he's fucking funny. and he was telling me his I think he might have said his ex-girlfriend but don't quote me on that that might be wrong who is a comic rang him for some advice

she was like I'm stressing out and filming me first special like well and he was like right first of all what are you wearing she's like I'm wearing like a sparkly sequin dress he went what the fuck

are you doing that for you've never gone on stage she's gone in her head I'm filming a special I've got a look special and then it's overthinking it and he's like no you should be

comfortable film in a special like the most wear what you would wear at the comedy seller on a fucking Wednesday

night and just be comfortable and that's the sort of attitude I've started to take which is as long as I'm comfortable throughout the day

in what I'm wearing then I'll just go on stage with it so recently a few times this like overshears I've got on here I'm wearing this a lot at the minute it's like the most

bestile thing I've got because like today I've got the like green chinos from a company called Spokon and obviously I've got a bit of orange trainers to go with the orange t-shirt. You could a hundred percent gig in that.

Totally. But I've been wearing this. Like, I could also wear this with like a white t-shirt and black jeans and then black boots and it's a bit smarter. And I'd go on staging that as well. But also, sort of the opposite end of that spectrum, I've got like a pair of green basketball shorts from Aymley on door. And I've been going on with them on with this over it.

And I look a bit like a lesbian soccer mom. but like I don't really care I'm just like but he's got a great bit about being a lesbian soccer I'll just go on and just as long as I feel comfortable if it's been an off day

I'm wearing sports shorts on stage I walked into the green room hot water a couple of weeks ago and I was in me green aimed shorts like a white t-shirt this overshirt and a pair of trainees and Rob Thomas was like what the fuck are you fucking wearing a nail

I'm fucking sports shorts with a denim jacket you look fucking ridiculous that's fuck can't be honest stays like that. And Danny McLaughlin was there and was like,

I think you look fucking sick. And Danny Mac wears what he wants on stage. Rob Thomas wears a black t-shirt. My attitude was whose opinion would I rather have a positive one from

within fashion? Like would I rather Danny think I look like to a minute old, Rob? And Danny wins, actually. Yeah. Chain Gillis is the best comic I've seen recently.

Last five years. Black t-shirt, black jeans. He just wears jeans and a t-shirt. It's not really important. Any promoter who's telling you you need to dress smart

to do this gig it's a fucking icky gig something as soon as there's someone who's paying you telling you what you need to wear

is that going to be good it's probably not going to be a good gig I think I get the instinct to go I don't want to look too scruffy

then don't but then don't overthink it you don't need to wear a jacket you don't all of that stuff where I honestly think

what you wear for a night out where you go wow I feel pretty good. If it's good enough for that, then it looks like you're making the effort for the stage. I also think it's a beautiful point in your stand-up

where you get so relaxed with yourself on stage that you can just rock up wearing what you want. But if you are going to start overthinking it, just find a combo of jeans and a t-shirt or a shacket or something where you go, I feel kind of smart in this, I've not had to think about it.

And mentally, make that you're loosely, your, like the outfit that you wear on stage. If it's something that you keep getting bothered by, where you're like, oh, I don't know what to wear, then just have a loose idea of what it is and go to that. I know there's comics who have an outfit on stage, like, Sean Walsh wears a proper suit when he records a special and everything, but he just, like, you don't have to go that far. I know some comics like the idea of going, I'm putting on my gigging outfit, I get it, but just find something that works is simple for you. You just don't

need to overthink it. What would you wear for your mate's sister's birthday if you were getting there halfway through it? Wear that?

Yeah, so you don't need to overthink it at all. A mate's sister's birthday. You're not there from the start. You're just like, you know,

you rock in after about an hour and a half. Can you do no hat? I haven't gig without a hat since like, before the war. Because...

You had hair then? Because I was worried about debris from bombs so I wanted to cover my shiny, shiny head. No, I'm about 10 years into wearing a hat on stage And that was partly because I mean, I have my head out a lot

But if you watch the podcast and then see me gig You're like, well Dan never gets his head out I get it out all the time I sleep without a hat You'd be surprised to hear it. I make love hatless You hang it up though? Yeah, question.

On Laura's nipple. Do you ever make love with your hat on? Do you ever leave it on? I don't think I've ever had penitative sex with a hat on. But I love wearing a hat for a blowjob. What about your glasses? Glasses.

Yeah, you've got to see where the pussy is. That's my armpit on. I'm sorry. I haven't got my glasses on. This one's from an anonymous lid. Comedy question here. Could do with your opinion.

I was doing a show recently and missed the MC calling me up, mainly because I'd gone for a smoke around the back with one of the other acts. You're the fucking moron. And the promoter hadn't bothered telling us the second half had started and the compere did all of two minutes before he tried to introduce me.

Cut to me getting shouted at and then having to run through the kitchen onto the stage and looking like I don't know what day it is. Managed to salvage my set. It went well enough but then got a dressing down by the guy who books it saying it was unprofessional and he'd have to consider whether he books me again.

Like I'll never do this again obviously but feel a bit hard done by. Like why are you running a show with no behind the scenes organisation? But am I in the wrong here? Has this ever happened to you guys? Look, there's going to be gigs with no behind the scenes organization. You should be able to smell that.

But, like, if you know there's a chance that's going for a smoke, if you're, it sounds to me like you're first after the break here. So the second half stars, you're still outside smoking. That's on you to be attentive to it. Yeah. Like, often, especially, like, independent small comedy nights, it's one guy running it. Their job is just, is everyone sat down, right?

The comp is ready? Get the compair on. You know when you're on. You should have been ready to go on. So, and also, just stop being a winging, fucking gimp. I'm on graphing. The promoter does sound like a bell end. Yeah, you both a pair of pricks.

For the dressing down. I don't want to work for him or gig with you. I got shouted at in 2008 by a promoter for being late, because Mick Ferry had said he'd give me a lift. His brother-in-law was driving over from Manchester. And I had a mental idea of how, what time we'd have to leave Manchester City Center where I lived at the time

to get to Liverpool and Mick was at least 40 minutes after what I'd have comfortably like he was like no no it's fine and it wasn't fine and we were late and she when we got there bullocked me and Mick like gave us a telling off

and I remember I I've never been able to let it go like why didn't I just go hey first of all chill the fuck out because I was newer so I didn't do it And secondly, like, it's not my fucking fault if I get a lift from Mick and he's like, oh, I'm not asked.

Do you know how he took the bollicking as well? And if you know Mick Ferry, you're like, that's a surprise. So promoters who do the school teacher thing can sort of fuck off. Yeah. Everyone in this story is a prick. But you really are, you really are responsible for you being on stage.

And if you, it's great that you're relaxed early in your career and you're like, oh, go for a smoke and then I'm ready. because a lot of comics are hyper tense before their show and they'd never be in this situation. But if someone calls your name, you need to be able to get onto the stage quickly because you're going to fuck up your own gig

by looking like a dickhead who's like, that's an awful place to be. Especially when you knew, and it's not a definite the gig's going to go well. You need to be in a place in the room to get on stage. It's a fucking wank feeling. And also just little tips, like if you're hosting, make sure you have the name

of the comedian you're bringing on. If you're new and you're just like, yeah, I've compared a bit and there's like six acts on the bill and you haven't got that name in your head, you look fucking useless if you can't say their name right, which I have done twice in 23 years.

And it doesn't matter if you apologize afterwards. You look like a fucking amateur. Little things that make you look unprofessional. It's amazing how they'll play on your mind for a long time and then have like a promoter who thinks you're not bookable just because you talk. a fucking smoke break. Can you be that chilled with like

walk on times and stuff like that? Like can you just drop like do you have to be ready for it? Or can you just like, I don't know, be doing something and then people off the stage. The amount of times I am mid, good conversation knowing that like the compere has got the mic and put it in the stand

which is international visual cue for you're going to be on stage in 30 seconds. I can like you learn the skill of going, I'm still having this. conversation, still having conversation, hang on, two seconds, and then you're off. Like, I, like, if you're good at stand-up and your natural personality is, I'm pretty chilled out,

but, like, Russell Kane is fucking bouncing around the dressing room. Yeah, and he takes his own kettle to comedy club so that he can make a coffee before he goes on. There's no, there's no correlation between nerves before a gig and quality of comedian. Because some brilliant comedians are a stress ball before they go on. Could never do that.

But I know Adam's the same. You just learn the skill of being like, do-d-do, you're having a normal conversation. Like, I'd love to have a heart rate monitor on me from before a gig. In the afternoon, three, four, five hours before the gig in the dressing room and as I walk on stage, I'd love to see the data on that

because I would suggest that it's the same. Yeah. Does that translate into other parts of life, though? Are you as lax? it's like in the airport if I know that the gate's coming I have to just be stood at the gate even though it's like an app

whereas I've been in the airport with you's where you've gone fuck off it won't be like an hour do I mean? Yeah, I know you mean. The only thing that bothers me at the airport that like getting me at all is security

because I know how much of a country can be if you're at the back of a security queue and something goes wrong with two or three bags you can be there for 40 minutes so I'm a two hours before the flight guy arrived at the airport apart from at Liverpool airport where I get there about 50 minutes before the flight because it's a fucking bus station

that planes happens along that like I love Liverpool airport so good but if I'm going to Manchester or Heathrow or whatever else it's two hours before but as soon as I'm through security I'm very like they know I'm here I've checked in I've checked a bag they've got me bag. I've also been at a gate before where they're like excuse me, the plane's going to leave soon and Harry Robinson is not here. Can he come up?

So if I get lost, they're going to do that. They're going to, can Adam row come to the plane but they're going to do that? So it just doesn't... Carl's mad in the airport. Cars like, we've got to be at the gate. It takes off in an hour. It's like... It says boarding, yeah. The screen's a liar and it always

is. Oh, it's bored. Final call. the fucking planes don't even open yet you can just take your time and chill also being in the queue

when everyone goes right they're boarding yeah let's quickly get in a 150 person queue you're like I've got a seat

my numbers on it yeah the only thing is the above the over there baggage oh yeah but if you've got checked

luggage and you've not got the 10 kilogram 12 kilogram oh yeah yeah oh my god what the fuck are we doing yeah

just chill out let these goons stand in an eggy line yeah my I brought um Can I just, what, VAR, what was, the goons? Eggie Goons, yeah.

Eggie Goons, yeah. Right, right, right. It's not great. I brought my brother to the Leeds Murderers Row show, and he came backstage. And the thing he took away from that show, he enjoyed the show and everything, he took away was,

I can't believe how chilled everyone was before we went on because we were playing a game where we were listing. Oh, I know what it was. Premier League players that have scored more, more than 100 goals. What a game that was? But you were there, and then he was like 30 seconds later,

I went and watched him perform to a thousand people. Matt Letticee. I was really... He's still doing it now. Fucking well-chained. He's 100 or... And Harry was playing Stato. What a game that was.

We went round in the circle and if you got one wrong, you were out and then the circle got smaller. What... Murderers Row was some of the most fun I've had. A couple of the gigs I didn't love. A couple of the gigs were as good as I've ever... As much fun as I've ever had on stage.

I think my favourite gig ever was night one in Manchester. Oh, Night one in Manchester where Jamie got his full asshole out. Dublin and Glasgow, oh my God, it was so much fun. But the dressing rooms were sensational every fucking time. Because murderers are out, yeah, it's brilliant for on stage, isn't it? You're like, oh, these are six of my favourite comedians. With Carl, with Stee, Harry Finn, the whole crew was backstage. and Sean Walsh and Elliot Steele and Mark Steele his dad turns up

and we're having some of the best conversations like a little bit of comedy geekery a sort of respect amongst everyone because you're on some bills where you're like I don't know who you are and I've known you of 20 years and you've been shit for all 20 years like that those dressing rooms were fucking great well we're not only picking our own lineups

it's like we've picked the whole staff of a comedy club that's what they felt like it was like we've gone we'll have how needs to be show manager we'll have Finn to be musician we'll have just needs to be our tech we'll have Jack to be fucking our runner and now we've got a whole

fucking yeah and Jack Finnegan's the guy who's going yeah show's about to start and Jack Finnegan's not bollicking anyone I would hate to be in a situation where Jack Finnegan felt like he had to tell me off I don't know what awful circumstances would have to happen that the most

laid back chilled out guy I've ever hung out with, who is just like, I know he's like 10 years younger the move, but he's like everyone's uncle who's dead sound and hard. If he ever got to the point where he was dressing you down for being late for a gig. He'd be quiet dressing you down though. There would be no, I've seen Jack kick off like, what have you? When's Jack kicked off? So this happened in the recent past, but we won't date it so that no one gets in trouble.

We also won't location it so no one gets in trouble. Swansea, 1988. On a dormant, so I was pissed and couldn't get in somewhere. And so I sent one of our group into a pub and said, just go and get everyone out, we'll go somewhere else. And as we're coming out, it kicked off between the dormant and Jack. And because Jack was like, he's fucking here all the time. He's sound, yeah, he's a bit pissed, but he's not going to cause any trouble.

He's fucking Sam. And the dormant called him fatty. He said, fuck off fatty. Get out of the fucking way. And Jack went to him, you fucking joking out, fuck a patient. The dormant went. and the doorman is like five foot two. And I think my memory is hazy

because I was drunk to the point where they wouldn't let me in. But I'm pretty sure Jack said to him, shut the fuck up you, or I'll put you on the roof and won't help you down. Oh, my God. If you don't love Jack Finnegan, you're not. concentrating.

Shall we do a little bit of advice and then we will go to break. If you want to send in your correspondence have a word pod at gmail.com

if you want to get it in a VIPQ sign up to Patreon. We've got one from a lady this is from Chloe. Chloe says lads help me out here last week i stayed over at this uh at his house after our fourth date second

time i've stayed at his he's got a flat with his mate but the other lad works away and i haven't even met him yet so basically this guy i'm dating has got his own place it was another fun night but we'd had tithe food on the date and in the morning i had stomach cramps as soon as i woke up and the urge to shit was so strong i literally had to go i considered getting dressed and leaving but it would have looked weird because it was like 7 a.m. And I wouldn't have made it anyway. I had to go for a shit. So mortified, I go to the bathroom

and proceed to do one of the smelliest poos of my lifetime. I'm sweating and panicking. There's no window in there. The extractor fan sounds like it's doing nothing and decide because the lad cannot smell this abomination, I need to spray a ton of air freshener. And to my horror, there isn't any. So not knowing what else to do,

I spray boys antiperspirant everywhere, and then bleached the toilet. As I say, I just panicked. The bathroom smelled of lynx, demestos, and crap. I came back horrified, said I didn't feel great and quickly left. It looked eggy. I honestly didn't stop cringe sweating for an hour, and even writing this is giving me anxiety.

Haven't heard from the lad, I haven't messaged him. What do I do here? I really like him, but don't want to have the conversation about why I used his deodorant and cleaned his toilet at 7 a.m. after we shagged. would you as lads be bothered about this have I overthunk it or should I just walk away from this situation

I wouldn't be bothered by it but I it's a self-serve and biased that because I've had to do this with a woman like I didn't fuck a man but like I've been on a date gone back to hers pounded that tang and then the next morning

the next morning or like even in the middle of the night just being like you know my stomach reacts to shite like like airport security reacts to a bag that's been left on a tone like we need to deal with this fucking

now you know what I mean so like if I've got to go I've got to go and I'll do everything I can to stop them hearing or smelling it like for example I'll put tissue in the bowl so that you don't air the plot like a lot of it and also

I like a flush as I'm shitting yeah so like my shit has like a its own little waterslide for a minute. It doesn't have chance to sit there and give off the odour. Totally. And it will still have a bit,

but it, you know, it quells it. You know what I mean? Lovely. This is like those master classes, you know, when like Ringo teaches you have to be. Yeah,

the flush while you're shitting, it's like, like it, give it that fucking, that'll help you a lot. The thing is, it has to be air freshener, deodorant actually

makes things smell worse in the situation because it doesn't smell like air freshener cover like this is a Fabrizavvert but like if if you like if my fingers like the smell of shit what Fabriz does is that and goes round it

and like covers it so that you can't like smell the shite what deodorant does is just goes and joins it so that it just smells like poo and links in the air I can see why she's anxious about this because she's gone to the top

in a hurry, dead early. So the guy's in bed sort of, sort of sleeping, no, she's in the toilet. And she comes out smelling of Lynx Java and bleach. And then immediately, and she's sweating and immediately fucks off. I think the bleach would have done the job. Eventually, like, if you'd shut the door and just bleached it, you then, this room's going to stink a bleach.

It would have been better than the deodent. Yeah. But what I didn't, halfway through that, she said the extractor fan wasn't working. Is that what the extractor fan's not for shit, is it? It's for steam in it. Yeah. It's for both.

It's like, it does, but... I don't have one in our toilet. So, it just, it takes... The extractor fan just takes whatever air is in the room out. I've lived in a flat that has a bathroom without... I've lived in a couple without windows. And as soon as you turn the light on for that bathroom... The fan goes on.

The fan goes on. But they're shit. Those rooms are grim. Like, you need, as a man, you need to be pooing with a room with the window. I think as long as I didn't smell it, I'd be fine with it. that's the only thing I can understand the smell might give you a bit of an ick

but like what she should have done and has failed to do and the lesson for the future is in a sort of you know feminine way only like don't come in and go Jesus grass wouldn't go in there for an hour

don't do that always Northern oh bloody hell I've done a right sticky shit but come in and go do you know what like that Thai food's really disagree with me still I'm really sorry

I would never do this on a fourth date but I just had to go for a poo like I've sprayed some deodorants I've bleeps it and I'm really sorry but do as a favour I don't need to smell it just don't go in there for half an hour like just be honest

and feminine with it and you'll be absolutely sound by the way if he's the kind of guy who's gone oh she's pooed in the morning well that's me not interested

fuck him off me poo in there Oh, not that, Adam's right, not that she has to come in and go, I've done her right, stinky shit, but don't worry, I've used a wet wipe on my asshole, let's go for round two.

I get it. I understand all her anxiety, but you want a bloke who's like, yeah, you did a plot, it's fine, don't worry about it? You'd just hold it for six days, wouldn't you? I have a...

Dan was telling us, before we started today, he regularly goes weekends without purring. If you listen to last week's Patreon episode where Dan was away and Sean Malsh was on, Harry told us that he'd gone a weekend without shit,

And so we asked them for an update before we started this day. He told us, you know, he's got a doctor's appointment booked in June of next year. So that's going to be fine. They'll sort that out. And Dan was like, oh, that's regular for me.

I often, you had three poos on holiday? I don't know. Three or four. Can you say it was notable when you had two poos in a day? That's insane. I can go three days without a plot. That happens.

Not, it's not every week, but... Yeah, yeah. If I went three days without a poo, like, I feel like I'd put on like six stone. I recognize it. In three days, I shit about six downs worth of shit. When people are like, I wake up and go to the bathroom, I get out a periodical and read and then just,

I'm in there, what are you on about? I go when, I go like a toddler. Like I wait, ignore it, ignore it, and then I have 25 seconds. Yeah, so that's me. I just waddle and go. It's go time. That's at least twice a day.

How big is it? A normal day for me, I think, is four. On a scale, how big is it? Oh, yeah, it's pretty bad. If you're holding it for that long? I think you're assuming the form is, you know, proper. This is a disgusting end to this section. Listen, text him and be like,

hey, how are you? And if he mentions the fact that you shot, sprayed and bleached, and he's like, I could never go out with a girl that does that, then fuck him off because he's a fanny mate. We all shit. polite feminine honesty that's what men want I did the shit

like that yeah she's Japanese yeah they didn't poo for the first month of our relationship when she finally did I gave her a little clap stop clapping for a pooing

and stop thanking her for sex weirder love you break what's happening it's time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor

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Do you sign up to any Ony fans, Callum? No, I wouldn't But Dan, would you sign up to anyone's only fans? Well, I don't think I'm allowed And I think morally as a married man, I mean, she's sound about me watching the old porn But I think that might be past a certain threshold That we haven't discussed

But I'd suggest I know is there It's the patriarchy, isn't it? Because she'd be fine with you buying a porn DVD Because that's going to a middle man The man who made the film You're paying him, so she's not bothered about that but if you give the money director to the creator

your wife will fucking boot off your whinging like that she hates sex workers but she loves pimps it's the patriarchy and that's what she keeps talking about she's like fuck I love the patriarchy no but there is

there is one lady who I'd like to sign up to her only fans think she's phenomenal creator who is her she called power midget oh and you can say that

because that's her word I'm guessing it's like onlyfans.com slash powell midget. She, it's put... She's got her own website, power midget.com. Oh, she's fucking great. She's not legally and medically. No, she's only four, she's four eight. Ooh.

Is she? Four foot eight. Yeah. Oh, she's a muscle mommy though. Yeah, but I thought you meant like... Because I keep on getting loads of photos of people with dwarfs, like sexy girls with dwarfism on my phone. Oh, no, hang on.

Because if you, you like, one with, like, some caked-up, like, dwarf. Even the, like, you're, like, six, and then suddenly it's your whole algorithm. They're like buses, but smaller. Oh, wow. Oh, she's great. She's, like a geo-dude. Yeah, low center of gravity. She's great.

I'm in that algorithm as well, though, because I, uh, accident, I accidentally got in here. Yeah. Micro wrestling. You ever watch Micro-Rexam? Sick. Made the best, Micro Jackson. Yeah. And they do the roll court.

Yeah. Little Chola. Yeah. Oh, she's sexier. There's one called Micro Jackson. Yeah, he has a little glove on. Is he Chinese? No, he's not Chinese.

Oh, I see where you went there. Well, Carl's not here. I've got to do it. See, I went to my dad. Mike Roe Jackson. There's a fellow called Chief Littlefoot. Yeah. And he's like a native.

American. Yeah, you're sick him. I love it how they're doing names like 90s wrestling, where they're like, it doesn't matter. No one's bothered. You're not going to cancel them, are you? Uncancellable. Yeah, they're uncanceable.

Who's unconsolable? The micro wrestlers. Yeah. Why? Because it goes straight over the red. Sorry. Because they're small. Yeah.

You ever seen them jump off the top row? I thought they normally do off the middle rope. Yeah. I don't know. What is the middle? Yeah. They used to be, back in the 90s, there used to be loads of, like, in Mexico

that you really used to push the dwarf wrestlers because they could throw them. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. You know, like, is the height a human can fall from and survive correlated to their height? Like, for example, like,

well, let's say three times my height, so 18 foot nine, right? If I jumped off, if I, He's so good at Matthew, you know. He's really good. If I jumped off an 18 foot eye,

probably barely hurt myself. You know what I mean? If it was 10 times my height, yeah, then, you know, you're looking at 60 foot. If I jumped off something 60 foot, yeah, I'd probably die. Yeah, yeah.

If a little person who's 4th foot jumped off something, does it only have to be 40 foot to kill them? It depends on strong the wind is. And then piece of crouch, can he just fucking, Nose dive off the Empire State and get up and go for a cup of Z. I think the bigger they are, the harder they fall, though.

Jack's a big man. He's going to hit the patio pretty hard, didn't he? So you think little people could jump off the Empire State and just bounce off the floor and... They're like cats. They've got nine lives. Have you ever, like, rolled your ankle off a curb? Yeah.

So, like, if a micro-restler done that, I think they'd just be done. Their health bars on low. Yeah. It's been a dangerous start of section. She's a wonderful creator And I think she couldn't wrestle Does she have anything niche

The one you want to sign up? Does she have anything niche? Yeah, she's a four foot Weightlifter, Callum? But this is it just like solo stuff? She's a bisexual weightlifter. I mean, come on, bro.

Who isn't into that? I think you just need the word weightlifter there. How dare you, sir? Just because you're right, doesn't mean. doesn't mean it's not offensive. You've snogged men. That snogged him, man.

Yeah. And he was a small weightlifting biceps. Do you ever snogged him on? For a laugh, like, yeah. Yeah. I did it, you know, under contract. Yeah. Once you've signed it.

I did it once a house party. Yeah. This was like years ago. And I was like still in school. And was he in school or was he like? Oh, exactly. Is this pre-old post Britain's got talent? This is, this is pre.

Oh, so you were like nine. Yeah. We had this house party and we were in the garden and it was like me and this lad who had never met and then these two girls and they were like, if you used to kiss, we'll kiss. So I was like, well,

what, hang on. That's a good deal. You jokingly snogged a stranger. I didn't snog. Well, I had my eyes closed, which makes it more central. It does make it more sexual. Is that waste than putting a tongue?

in closing your eyes? It's the same level. Is it? Yeah. So I had my eyes open. And then we kissed. And then when I opened my eyes, they were inside the house telling everyone that we were gay.

So then I was just stood outside holding this guy's hand. And I was like, ah, okay. Those girls are fucking great. Yeah, yeah. They didn't kiss. Yeah, I know. They're like, they're just liars down.

Yeah. Pranked me. But they are. Oh, like, fair play to them. These fucking idiots kiss it. Yeah. Well, I could have easily ended up gay from that moment. Like...

Oh, you think one kiss is all it takes? Yeah, yeah. I too. Well, it's like when you meet, like, a girl now, and they've got, like, the boy mate, and they're like, oh, no, he's always around. Like, he's harmless. Like, I could have been that guy who, like,

pretends to be gay for ages. Just watches them get changed and stuff. Do you what I mean? No. You could have been that. Could have been Donald Trump. Yeah, yeah. But luckily in Callum, as it's worked out,

you're not a threat to women at all. No, not at all. No, I just don't watch me to change. I think you're a pretty, you know, you're pretty chilled around the ladies on the dance floor, very laid back. How many? As far as you've seen Callum on, what's this?

Teddy's quite a lot. Yeah, we've been Teddy's to load. Yeah. I mean, they're all in their 20s, so it's absolutely valid for them. You're not in your 20s, are you? No, I just hit 30. Yeah. He's over the ill, mate.

He's gone. I'm the granddad at Teddy's, mate. Yeah. I love having you in Teddies, though, because we don't dance. We just ask each other if we're all right. That's all we do for the whole night. He's like, you're all right, Dan?

He's like, yeah, here are you? And I'm like, yeah, yes. Just on repeat? Yeah, and then we get, like, gins and a tin and that. This is a nerve here. that's pretty harmless though is it a crime yeah but like

why would you not be all right I just do welfare checks you know and throw out with you bed that's right on drugs that's what that is the constant theme on drugs and you're right

you feel fucked I feel fucked but on gins and tins it's a bit embarrassing isn't it? Yeah yeah having a little cranberry tink she'd be like

you're right then yeah my stestysis has flared these UTIs You've never asked me if I'm all right, if I'm all right, that's fucking not true. You are always always absolutely sound and then you teeter over into harmless toddler Adam. It's very rarely like a fucking midpoint in there.

You're like, oh, he's sound, absolutely sound, centre of the party, everyone's chatting, having a great time, and then he's wondering. off into the fucking sunset. At the country day on Saturday, I got pretty fucking hammered. Like the most

drunk I've been at one for ages. So what I did, I sort of spoke on an episode of this after the last one, the July one. It was just very intense. So many people like grabbing us and doing pictures and stuff. So this one, I said at the start, I went, look, happy to have a quick chat with everyone.

I understand people come to these kind of things. Do you want to take a picture? I'm going to go and stand by that pin sign for an hour. Anyone who wants a picture can come and get one as soon as five o'clock hits.

I'm just done for the night just want everyone to have a good time. Like keep taking pictures, keep taking videos, do what you need to do. But like we're just, we're doing selfie hour and then everyone can just get pissed

and enjoy themselves. And then you can be on a night out with us rather than it being a meet and greet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was on a night out with everyone. Oh, I was, I was toddler drunk though before the final music set started.

Like Jack come back for it. Jack had been there. went to bongo's bingo and come back and i was on stage singing just and then at one point i went to the toilet and uh i didn't need a poo but i had a sit down i had a sit down we and i was just comfy so i just stayed in there for about 20 minutes oh my god nice i come out and everyone was like are you okay oh you've been sick have you been sick and i was like no just went for a little adam break just went for a little drunk and sit down yeah she went for a little scroll and i sat down it was comfy in there

Oh, a piss scroll is fun. Yeah, that's fun. Where you remember nothing? Yeah. A few likes of random shit. Yeah. A few story likes that you were dread in the morning. Dan's anthems is the most drunk I've ever been,

anything related to have a word. Yeah. And I think you turned up and we had a little dance. We had a little boogey. But I was, I'd gone, my head had gone. I remember sort of little flashes of that being drunk. And then Felix and Johnny were like, like, come on stage and we'll close out the show.

And I went on, kicked my little ornamental monkey, broke it, and then went, I forgot, I got to get off stage. Yeah. Because I was going to fall off it. I was really fun. Like, I was getting recognised a lot by your fans there, but everyone thought I was Eshan. So I kept having these people coming away.

Do you know how good of a few months, Isham would have to be? It was insanely. Like, are you Ishan? And I was like, yeah. And then I just started getting pictures with people. is Ishan. To be fair,

in a room full of have-a-word fans, that is a good guess. Yeah. Yeah, but what's embarrassing about that is Ishan was in that room as well.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He got in one of the pictures with me as I was being Ishan. I was like, you should, have you met Callum? It's gonna do well, that kid. And they're just looking at him gone, no, I don't know like that.

No, I never heard of him. He'd got beat by a dog or some shit. I enjoyed your, the country. I went, I went a few, was it like last month the one I went to? Yeah, July. Yeah. Just a bit much for me.

A bit stressful, a bit intense. So just to turn it back a little bit. Doing another one on the 28th. Yeah, oh, let's plug that. 28th of December, we're doing the Hawyee Christmas cabin. It's going to be all cozy and we're going to have marshmallows and open fires and that. Nice.

Yeah. That would be fun, man. I was on, I felt on edge me because he was loads of cowboys and I was the only Indian. I know. I was like, oh, shit. You're like, oh. I've been tricked.

Harry went to him, he was like, next time you come set up a casino. That's like, sad. So that's what I'm going to do for the next country. I'm going to come with full on ready. He's sitting in the back of a pack of cars. We're like, 21 anyone? You've gone double beers? Ooh, do you know what?

I'm not leaving. I'm in Birmingham tonight. To an old Adam Rhone fence, but I'm not driving. Rob Thomas is on, so he's going to drive us down. Amazing. I reckon I might have time for a swift. A couple of guineas after this podcast. That sounds great.

Room for a little one. Room for, yeah, you can come as well. Power magic. I love it. Do you want a Moretti now? No. Oh, okay. No.

You just want the guineye? Yeah, I want a Guinness, yeah. What a drink, then? Guinnesses. What's the plural of Guinness? Guinnesses. Gnu. Gnu.

Ginnu. Ginnu. Guinnesses. We just mentioned Britain's got talent there. Finn, of nowhere popped it in. But I don't know the story of you being on

Britain's got talent. And I don't think anyone does, but it... Thank you so much, Dan. Anyone's got a fucking clue you are? When were you on?

How old were you? Just to be clear, by the way, if you are, you know, there's a lot of OG podcast listeners who've listened to every episode ever, and there's some people who've listened only to the ones after they started listening.

so if you started this year, maybe you just sort of whatever. You did an early episode, I have a word. Yeah. Both Dan and Carl were away. April, April 2020. It was Finn's first time. It was Finn's first time, like being in the car chair. Vicki Patterson co-host.

Yeah. And you joined us. But I don't even know if that day we talked about it too much. I don't know. I don't know. I can't remember. Yeah. So what happened if you were 13?

16. I thought you were 13? Nah, 16 when I went on it. In 2012. Have you been gigging before that? Well, I did a comedy course. Sam Avery's one when I went into like schools and that. So I was like 14 when I first done it.

But it was like for like naughty kids or whatever. And then yet I'd done that. And then I just, because I like enjoyed it loads. I couldn't actually gig in comedy clubs. So the only gigs I could get were like charity gigs. And ITV. And ITV. So I used to take.

Village fundraisers and ITB. So I used to do a lot of charity gigs. was this one, so I always used to wear a suit to look older. Yeah, it didn't wear that, did it? No, not at all. I look fucking pathetic to be fair. You look like a kid trying his best

to be adopted when you used to go out. Like, when you go to a dog shells and there's a dog who's just like, he's trying to sit, nobody's wriggled and says, like, I'll be a fucking big dog for you. Callum on stage early on, but his, is a button down collar.

In my head, it's like a white collar with like black buttons on it. Like, you really sit there like, stuck to him and he's just like, yeah, no, I'm, I'm a fully proper comedian, mate. So I used to do these charity gigs and it was like a mixed bill of like singers and shit because I, yeah, I was like the only comic on and there was this one gig we done. I know there was this woman who ran it called Bernie Bucket and she used to run like charity nights and that and then it turned out she robbed all the money but she she's dead now.

She kicked the bucket. So there was this one gig And there was a singer one But they only had like a karaoke set up And she was singing Adele And I went on after And I was doing stand-up But in the room it was just like

Loads like these bold fellas Just hating me And I wanted on my set Like died on my ass completely And then I went into the bathroom And they were all sniffing coke And fighting and stuff Then I had to go to school the next day

And then I'm just like In like this mad fucking life of just doing all these mad charity gig. Like there was one gig I got done when it was for Liverpool versus Everton like Legends and Tony Bellew was there and it was like these round tables

and I was just dying on my ass and then Tony Bellew was sat at the front this is why I can never like watch his boxing matches because I just get flashbacks and I was dying on my ass and next to him his mate was on the phone and he was on his phone texting and I was like oh I'm going to try and bring this back

like what is it you're doing on your phone and he was like oh I'm calling you an ambulance because you're dying and like the whole room just burst out laughing and I'm just stood there

and like this suit that doesn't even fit me and then in the corner me I just see my mum and dad just staring at me like oh my God like what the fuck you do with your life

but that was just all I was doing and like for two years was just going around dying on my ass and no comedy clubs would let you in You know, like, there's a story of Ross Noble being snuck into a comedy club in Newcastle. Like, he wasn't allowed to go and be in the main room.

Yeah. But he got snuck in and he could, but you couldn't get any normal gigs. I didn't even know anyone though. Yeah, suppose so. How'd you even get in? And then Britain's got talent, gone and touch with me and they were like, we want you to come and audition. So then I auditioned and then I got through onto like the live shows and stuff. But they like wanted me to sign a contract.

And then we looked at the contract and I say, wait, it was my dad. and he's just heavily dyslexic so it probably could have been a good contract but then we were like no we're not signing it like for future representation as well as the appearance owned like a percentage of everything for like 10 years or whatever and yeah and then the whole

the whole thing was just a bit of a disaster really so you got you got through to where did you do your audition you do like a producer's one so it literally be me stood there now doing a set in front of you two and it's just It's better than the gigs you were doing now. Yeah, if one of the producers rings you an ambulance there, that's fucking...

You say you didn't sign the contract, didn't you go all the way to the final? I got to the semis, so when I first done the audition, I got, I fucking smashed the... It was in... So I done the producers, got through from that, went to the audition, and the audition was in Blackpool in, like, the theatre there. Who was on the panel at the time? It was Simon Carl, David Williams, Alicia Dixon. and Amanda Holden. So they were there.

And then I went on, smashed it. Like, they were all, like, fucking buzzing. Like, you're going to do really well on that. That's when they give us the contract. And then I didn't sign it. And then they were like, they gave me like a live, when I was doing my live,

my live show, they gave me the date. So, you know, after like the promotion, where you go to, like, radios and be like, oh, vote for me. I'm going to be on this date. Then two days before my live show, they went, oh, we're switching it now. You're on tomorrow instead of two days time.

And then it was just, like, loads of weird shit just kept happening with me. Yeah, you've not played the game. Yeah. And then I was doing the, Britain's Got Talent Extra. You know, when you do, like, little games and stuff. Yeah, yeah. And I done one with Stephen Mullerne, which fucking, he can fuck off.

I like Stephen Mulling? I'm gutter Carl's not on here. I know, yeah. Stephen Mullian. He's a bell-end, like, as soon as I walked in the room, went, go on, then tell me a joke. And I was like, I think you're really funny. that's just what I said to him.

And then he just seeing his ass and all the camera crew were like laughing and that. And I was in the room for like three minutes. You were supposed to be in there for half an hour like doing all content and that. And he was like, yeah, see you in a bit. I was like all the best.

He seems like a plastic cunt. I can't, mate. There's just something about him. Like, I don't know what it is. But he used to do fingertips, man. Yeah, like in boys. What's the art show? It was like on CITV, wasn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, it's like an art. Like heart attack a bit. They teach you out to make stuff using just your fingertips and lots of supplies. Is him and Fern Cotton? Or Britain. One of the two. I don't forget it was Fern Britain.

I think she was on this morning at that point. She's too old for that. Yeah, I think maybe cotton then. One time he did. The one who's all like, Yeah, that one. Fain Cotton. One time he did Socorade and he did it in a big phone.

That's a good Fing Cotton impression, by the way. What happens to Fain Cotton? She's still knocking about, isn't she? Yeah, she does podcast now. Like every podcast. Yeah. Every time Furn Cotton gets mentioned,

I just think of Sean Locke's bit about rectum of the year. Yeah, yeah. From... Her and Maradonna. Yeah. Oh my God. That's her legacy.

Sean Locke on 8 or 10 cats said that he was in the finalist of rectum of the year with... It was him, Fern, Cotton and Maradonna. Absolutely beautiful. And now every time Furn Cotton gets mentioned, I think of her rectum. Even though it's just a Sean Lock.

But didn't you say that she bent over and the fire alone went off to me? I knew I'd got it in the bag when I bent over and they started dry heath. So after Britain's got talent, I'm guessing. That's like peak Britain's got talent around them. Who won that year? The dog.

The dog. It's the dog dead. Yeah. I mean, it's 13 years ago now. Simon tried to buy the dog. To like do films. that. They did a Pudsey film, didn't they?

Well, he might have bought it then. Yeah, because David Walliams was the voice of Pudsey, I think. Why didn't he let the dog do his own voice? It's not that talented. You can only do like the Charleston. But after that, did you get a few, like, decent gigs? Pretty much straight away. Yeah, I did a few.

I got signed by this agent and it was like, it was a new agency. So I was like his first act. um but his dad was like a football agent so he like had football like i think he was like on re's agent or so like he was like this big like super agent so on re saw campbell patrick vienna and 16 you know with a big suit but he was shit like he was awful like he didn't really look after us properly and he was a time when i was like i need to i need gigs like nothing's happening so i was like texting like can we have like a phone call and that and he he was like, oh, I'm just in a meeting.

And I was like, all right sound. And he was really close with Andros Townsend. Like, they were like, dead good mates. And I was following Andros Townsend on Twitter. And on Trust Townsend was like, oh, I've just beat so-and-so in a game of FIFA and tagged my agents in it.

Like, he was just pretending. He was in a meeting and he was just sat there playing FIFA. And I was like, I've all done that gone. I'm fucking done it. But yeah, some of the gigs, like I've done jonglers and I had 16 and that was fucking rough. Yeah, I did jonglers at 26.

and it wasn't a load of fun. Awful. I was just dying loads, man, because I was like, I've done all my material on Britain's Got Talent. So I was getting booked to do, 20 minutes.

And I'm like, well, I don't have 20 minutes. So I was just going around the country. For the record, I'm doing all right now, though. Yeah, you're going on it. Because all I'm doing is just saying. You've done, like,

we've done a few gigs going to recently. You come to Dublin with us. You've done Liverpool with us. You're fucking flying. But, like, and just talking about me dying for 10 minutes. Yeah. best stories. They're always

the best stories. As if it came an event. Lads, tell me about this. I'll tell you about this gig. It was so good. Yeah, yeah. You sort of went away for a little bit, didn't you? Not like fully, but you just laid low. Yeah, well, I'm a collie cucking myself, really. Like, I just got into like drugs and drinking and all that.

And then got a job, I worked in vans in Cheshire Oaks for a while. Grew me a dead long. And then some guy recognized us. He was like, oh, are you Calamokely? I was like, yeah, yeah, do you want your shoes in the bag? it's like fuck sake but yeah did that and then I probably got back into stand-up

at about 22 like properly I was like I'll give it a go you can't not do it can you you knew you loved it like yeah like it's the best thing ever it's funny that fella in vans so what I remember one night in envy

right and I'd done the gig and then gone to work behind the bar and there was a fellow who'd stayed there after the gig and was just fucking hammered and envy like when Hot Wars was at envy they'd have like offers on throughout the comedy

it was like a quid for a Yeagerbom and a quid for the vodka rebel so people would get fucking plastered and it's now about midnight and this fella's been there since fucking 7pm and he's just fucking chin and bevies and he comes to the violent like I save him

and he goes oh no fucking way no were you on that stage earlier and I went yeah and it was they used to do a thing called whose headline is it anyway do you remember this? Nah I don't think I was there in V-Days

So Hot Water had a format where they had an opening 20 It was just getting paid like 50 or under quid or whatever Then they had three acts in the middle Do 10 minutes And then a break Then they had a clap off after the break And the winner had to do another 10 minutes But they also got it 100 quid

So you were competing for a fee And the chance to headline it And they called it whose headline is it anyway That's pretty cool And I'd won it And then had to go to work behind the bar Because it's where it worked Yeah

but like that hundred quid obviously I wasn't accounting for it in my head in like my wages or whatever because you don't know that you're getting paid and I'm now getting like fucking 48 quid or whatever for a long shift behind the bar and this fella comes about he goes

you won our stage earlier and I was like yeah yeah that was me he goes you won didn't you and you fucking win and I went yeah he went lads you shouldn't be behind there fucking poor and bet you're gonna be fucking famous you lad you should quit this job right now you should fucking tell them to fuck off lad

they can't have you performing over there fucking be inside of the show and then fucking poor and pocket air bulls or fucking bollocks I should quit your job and cause I had a hundred quid in my pocket I was sort of like you're right and honestly he sounds better than your agent let's go

I got like halfway to the office to go upstairs and be like do you know what I'm done with this and then I literally realised I was like yeah, that 100 quid's going to last me two days. I think I owed my dad 90th and the time. That ten has not gone very far. But I nearly quit that night

because of that fucking absolutely smashed off his head, scouse fella, who like just believed in me before anyone did. And if you've stuck with me all this time, you know, out there, oh my God, if he's a lid and he's watching, I fucking knew it. I reckon we'll get at least 10 people getting in claiming to be that man this week.

That was me, I remember. But yeah, I nearly quit. That tipping point between you're starting to get a bit of traction in stand-up and then going, I'm going to do this as a job. It's such a fucking difficult seesaw, isn't it? Because it's not like you go, oh, I'm now a pro.

You have to judge it right where you're like, how many gigs do I need to survive? But that would be good if I had the money from the job. It's an awful little... Didn't you get the Paul Smith support? They're like, that's the first time you sort of got on my radar. Radar. Reador.

Radar, Raidore. Radar. When you were, your question's invalid now that I'm sorry. Because I'm going to wait two weeks. I'm like, ah, it's classic.

I said it wrong. Two weeks ago, I've been like, fucking trying to talk. That's, you got the whole of his, you did every day on his tour. The first tour,

yeah, because I was working behind the bar and hot water. So like, that's when I was like properly coming back into stand-up. And then I got to know Paul properly

through working behind the bar and stuff. And he was like, I'm going to put, a solo show on a hot water do you want to just open for me and do 10 I was like yeah go ahead done 10 went well and then he started blowing up online and then Paul Blair was like

you're going to put a tour in and Smith came over to me and went I want you to open for me on the tour but loads of people were asking them to like open for them and I was like you sure you want me he was like no you done my first one so I want to take you with me like all around the country just another bit of evidence that Paul Smith is a good guy

Um, he's done so much for, I. Oh, he just wanted someone he knew he could follow. Yeah, all that, yeah. But fuck I'm at him. Welcome to the roast of Callum, everyone. You're fucking prick. Oh, you'd be good for the roast, actually. Would you do the roast?

The have a word roast? I'd love to do the roast. Oh, that could be good, though. Nice. Yeah. Um, but like, because I only just got back into stand up, and I had done, like, 10 minutes for him. he was like it's 20 minutes before you bring me on

and I was like basically getting back into open my comedy so like that's like another like I was just going around just like like awful like there was one one show I done for him in Blackpool and because he goes on first

on he and like MCs and stuff like that's what everyone knows him for like the MC clips he's on emceeing and the whole crowd they're just like on one like people are smoking joints in the crowd like people like coked up some guy stood up while Paul was on and then some guy behind him

grabbed them and just punch them in the face. Like, it was just chaos. But Paul's got this little smile going on because he knows that he's bringing me on to deal with this crowd. So I go on. And it's just like the worst gig ever. And the day before, it was my granddad's funeral.

And I said on stage, I was like, you're all a bunch of cuntz. I was like, it was my granddad's funeral yesterday. I'd rather be burying him again than do this gig. And the whole crowd went, fucking amazing. I was like, fuck the lot of, yeah. I was fuming, and then I come off stage

and Paul was just filming me, just having the biggest meltdown on stage. But, yeah, it's great. I was doing it, like, I was tour and stuff. It's the best thing. That's probably when I could go, like, full-time. It was, like, having them regular things and doing other gigs and stuff.

Because he looks after his open, isn't that on it? Yeah, he's the best man. Like, he, yeah. What, uh, was that so, that about six, seven years ago? Paul's one. That, that tour? Yeah, must have been, yeah What a fucking six or seven years

he's had in terms of like That was his first, it's blowing up on On Facebook Yeah And you're still doing them now And it was seven years ago That hot water No, hang on

It was eight years ago That hot water First had a couple of clips go vital Because one of the first ones to go I think the first one to go viral Was Adam Staunton Yeah, the stab one Yeah, I think

And then I think the second one was one of mine, which was a girl getting up from the crowd. That's a good clip. And then Paul started going because those first few, they just had cameras in. Like they'd book someone to come and film the show. Once a couple went viral,

Paul Blair went, right, permanent cameras in the club now, film everything. And then Paul Smith, because he was the resident compere, could get like so many clips out back to back. That was eight years ago, 2017. When you talk about what hot water, when you talk about what hot water is,

and all the amazing things they've done that moment where Blair's gone put cameras in permanently well before anyone did like that was the the ripple effect of that is fucking mental yeah yeah if you look at work comedy they started doing that

purposefully so Paul Smith could put crowd workouts and now 90% of clips to go from comedians are crowdware clips and most of the comics you work with are like I'm just sitting on my tripod it's literally like a fucking press conference at the back of the gig As three people, like, can we share a camera, lad?

Fair enough, it's the hustle, isn't it? It's when people comment, like, you're just trying to be, like, Paul Smith. Like, audience just think that he invented this style of comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's how big he's got from doing, like, crowdware clips. Yeah. What's your name? What's your job?

Yeah, yeah. It's just Paul Smith stuff. Yeah. You're plaguing this, you rob and his act. He's fucking good at it, though. Yeah, he's insane, honey. Should have a break? Let's have a little break.

Yeah. Finley, can you handle this? Harry, can you handle this? Callum, can you handle this? Daniel, can you handle this? Steve, can you handle this? I don't think you can handle this. Woo!

I don't think you're ready for this prep. I don't think you're ready for this prep. They play that at the age club. Mike Hennessy has got a question for us, boys. And I think it might be able to become a feature. Wow.

If some of our listeners and watchers think it's good content, send in... Watchers? Not viewers. Rodor. My clip's got 100,000 watches on it. Radar. Mike Hennessy says, I was sat with my fiancé, Flex, the other day, chatting about things that feel illegal, but aren't.

For me, it's traveling internationally with nothing but a passport. No bags or ham. luggage, et cetera. Do any of you have things that you do which fit this? Feel sketchy. Is Mike an asylum see go? But our sound... Which isn't illegal?

Having just travelled to a different country, I'm back with two children and a foothload of baggage. Oh my God, that sounds wonderful, but I've never been anywhere that needed a passport with just a passport of my wallet. Like, who is living like that?

What do you mean? That didn't make any sense. What do you mean? I didn't understand what you meant Yeah, me neither Like traveling without any bags Like just... Yeah, but you had bags, didn't you?

So as someone who's just done, the opposite, traveled needing a passport with a ton of luggage and my kids, this feels wonderful. The idea of just being able to go, I'm going to go to a different country,

I'll worry about it too. Yeah, but like... So I've been to like Belfasting back in the day. No passport. You don't need a passport? Do you need ID? Yeah. So I just take me passport.

he's a maverick I couldn't tell you where my driver's licences it's also still registered to a house from seven homes ago seven homes ago I was a lonely boy I don't know where my licences like if I got pulled over by the police

and they were like license and registration I'd be like the regs on the back of the car and I haven't got me license but if you need part of your V5 Harry sorted yeah did they go on days yeah what do you mean

10 years oh I'm sound Oh, right, okay. Yeah. Maybe. I'm sorry. I wasn't driving a 23. Right.

I've been to Belgium without anything. Why? Because you forgot stuff? No. No, no. Powell was playing for Germany at the S.A. So he got there and then went to the Belgian F.A. And I just had loads of chips and mayonnaise and then went home.

It's great. Nice. Oh, of course. On Tuesday as well. I go to Belgium on Tuesday. You're a maver. What's true? You ever travel with no bag?

well I get stopped all the time to be fair I'm like random stop you I mean me feel like when I feel like I'm in this country I feel like that's kind of illegal like I feel a bit on edge with that coming into the United States

I don't know like I understand the idea for the feature of things that are illegal but I just don't know where Mike fucking Hennessy is going with no possessions Mike we'd like you to write in and tell us where you went abroad with

just a passport. And this is from a position of respect because I have done just a man back. No, he's saying nothing but a passport, isn't he? For me, it's travelling internationally with nothing but a passport. Yeah, so he's had a passport. No, I'm what I'm saying. So he's just gone with a passport. Yeah, swing it over his head.

I'm an international traveller. Going through airport security coming back yesterday, had a half a bottle of Evian in a bag with some Pringles for Jack, who hasn't he eaten proper food all week? He's been snacking like a fatty.

And I just sort of, you know, in the fucking messing around, forgot to put it in one of the bins. So as I got the tray out, I said to the Spanish woman with beautiful eyes, I was like, I'm so sorry, I'll, can I throw this away? And she went, you have children? I was like, yeah, flirt. And she was like, okay, you can keep the water.

Yeah, Amsterdam, you can take whatever. So the Evian went back in the tray and it felt illegal. It felt like, well, that could be a boy. It might be a bomb. I didn't say that out loud because that's how you get. Don't do that. It's another one of these

fucking parental privilege bollocks, I don't know. Oh, you got kids? Well, bombs are fine for you then. They're stopping it, aren't they? Everywhere. That is such a great way of looking at it. Oh, yeah. Parents are allowed bombs.

Just because I haven't spunked up someone. But like, if your water is fine, why is my water not? Because my babies might be dehydrated on the flight. I might be dehydrated. Why do you're not more than me? My kids are more important. I've got GCSEs.

Your kids haven't got any GCSEs. Same. I keep saying that to them. I was like, you haven't achieved as much as Adam Rowe. When will you play the Liverpool Empire? Twice in one day. It's pathetic. Yeah, you should be crying.

They're going to bed, Laura. Until they pull a fucking... 14 biggest patron out of their ass. They're not to come downstairs. What did you say they're stopping? The liquid limits on planes. Two litres they're going to. I mean, that's still a liquid limit, though, in it?

No, you know what I mean, though. Oh, by the way. If you're taking more than two litres on a plane, something's gone wrong. When you're taking a two-liter bottle, a fucking sauvajon. That's a thin bottle. It's because of the new technology.

If you go to an airport that's got the old technology, you're such a fucking sheep you know it's nothing to do with that basically they're just not asked if anyone dies anymore there's too many people alive

so they're letting everyone through and if a few planes blow up you're not going on to it how many plane crashes have you heard about this year there's been about fucking 50 yeah I can't remember 50 before this year

50 is that we guess I'll give at least one I mean there's one that I've heard of there's one in Luton there was one in India there's one in Spain there's three and I probably missed the other 14th

see like how you jumped out with the plane the Indian guy who jumped out. Yeah. He was like the only survivor. Did he jump out? Jump out, yeah.

I thought he just blew up around him. What? I thought he was sat next to the emergency door. He blew up and he was just still there. He was just fucking pretzels. 17. 17 this year. In the UK, hello?

No. Worldwide. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's still a lot. I think so they want... Gullible twatts.com. It is actually a loveltox.

Like and subscribe. So you think they want planes to blow up. So they're like, Tick, it's tick. I don't think they're just, I think they're just not asked when it happens. It's like COVID.

Population control. Yeah. Oh, right. Don't we doing that always? They're just getting a bit lax with it. Like, I think what's happened is the government for years after 9-11,

we're like, no, that's not happened to our citizens anymore. And then now they're in power and everyone's winging at them all the time, they're just like, we can let somebody's cunt to go. So they're just like, yeah, two leases worth a liquid.

Not a problem, fella. Get on, blow the plane up if you want to, gives a shit. And also things haven't been as exciting since 9-11. She looked bored. It's like, it's like, we look bored at the shock. She was like, oh, we need an explosion or two.

Yeah, we need a season finale. Do you know what? Did feel illegal. When we went down to London. When we kissed. When we met before. It's not. And then when we went to London and we went into that place

that you want to go to the Thai place and it was awful Mondays. Yeah. So you were like, I don't like this menu because it's just awful. Let's leave after they'd found a seat for us. And we had to just leave. was left, that felt like

I was going prison. They made, they were really busy and they sat us down and were like, no, it was fucking off. Yeah, sitting down at a restaurant before ordering, just leaving. It does feel illegal. It was a menu is fucking honorable. It was literally, by the way, he's not joking.

He hasn't come up with that title. It was called on the menu, awful Mondays. What the fuck's an awful? Offles like, like, like, uh, tripe. It's like the off-c, it's like livers and fucking tits and that of animals. I was literally going to go, second question. What's a tripe? Yeah.

Stomachlining. Oh, like the part of the animal, awful is the part of the animal that most traditional restaurants and recipes don't use. And like, Michelin Star places will often use stuff like this to be like,

we use every part of the animal and you still get unbelievably delicious food. It would have been great, it would have been really tasty. Well, Harry's a fucking vegan kind of, or veggie or whatever he goes chicken, chicken shagging, whatever. I sat down and one of them,

one of them was pigs trotters, and then they had a veggie, they had a veggie, like, salad. I was like, I'll have that. There's like mushrooms in it, but it was covered in fish guts. I was like, oh, well, that kind of does it for me. So I looked at the menu and thought, you know what, I would under the right circumstances, just try all

of this. But I'm with Carl, who's fussyer than he lets on. And I'm with Harry, who, you know, doesn't eat pig strutters, certainly not on a Monday night in London. Gross. But yeah, I know what you mean. Can I just go back to something else though? Do you know what I've thought about, like, if I was going to be a terrorist,

do you know, do you know, like how they say, there's two aims of like terrorism and one is to cause like maximum disruption and the other one is to literally just cause death right if you were gonna like these machines that for years have been like

oh it's got to be 100 mill whatever they're all in the security bit of right you would hurt more people and cause more disruption by blowing up the security bit of Manchester airport then you would the plane there's more people in security

them will be on your plane and like a plane in the sky blowing up over the Atlantic Ocean it's like assed like they're in the sea they're gone yeah Manchester Airports there's like fucking shout down there's like 12 plane loads of people at the same point totally Adam

you're very smart guy but I feel like we don't need you giving ideas to Al Qaeda I don't think it's a great intellect you've got let's not give ice these things through do you know I mean because they have to smuggle they're spending so much effort sticking in a shoe in that and trying to smuggle it through yeah just put it in your house

And just walking, but it? And also, and then afterwards, security's going to be a nightmare because they're going to up security even more. They're going to do security for the security. Yeah, yeah. And then you blow that on. Yeah, because you don't need, like, a cheap flight

just to scam through. What? You don't need, like, a cheap flight just to scam through the little barriers and then you're with everyone. Oh, they'll pay for that, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Can I just go back to something dead quick? Because these brought it up to me before we actually started recording. I was like, I like your couch. And they were like, oh, it's lasted a while. I went, oh, it's like Forks Leather. Yep.

And that's why we went, shut up. As in Guy. Like Guy Forks. But is it not called Forks? As in F-A-U-X. Yeah, yeah. Fow-Lever. I mean, I didn't say leather right, so...

Love-O. It's foe. As in Faye. Well, it's like Ork's lead, isn't it? It's not O-lead? It's what? Yeah, it's not an O lead. But the word, you do say it fell.

But the place in France is and bore douges. Is it not? This is the English language, though, there's loads of... I'm learning. Yeah. I'll get there. There's absolutely loads of...

One of my TikTok followings, one of the guys are following TikTok, he does all stuff with this, like how words change if you just put a letter at the start of it. But yeah, it's a foe. any common misconception with fucking idiots though

if you're learning the English no but the English language is famously difficult in it yeah bastardised language like train

that the word train has so many meanings that are just you know what I mean you train your eyes there's a train you get on you do some training oh yeah

it's a difficult train your eyes train your eyes don't you mean to what it's a look of things yeah oh right You run a train on my wife.

You know? The word carpet. I don't know. I mean is that got? Well, it hasn't, but if you were learning the language, you'd be like, oh, it's a car pet. It's like an animal that's in the car with you. Would you?

I mean, if it was the first time you were learning the language, it feels mental. What about where? Yeah. Yeah. That's a tough way. in it. Word.

Where? Where? Yeah. As in we are or where we are. Or what you're wearing. What you're wearing? Yeah. That's one.

Yeah. Welcome to Key Stage 1 English with the Have Awear podcast. By the way, I think it's real leather. I don't think it is. I don't. I saw where we bought it, mate. That's exactly what I said to Callum. I was like, that place we went to in Blackburn.

Oh, he knows his leather. Oh. Give it a sniff. Don't you mind? Oh, it's the cactus, Jesus Christ! Al-Qaeda, need that brain. Let's do some other words. It's Guy Fawkes, by the way.

I mean, it's, for the audio, this is a bright orange as well. If you're an audio listener, you don't know that's an orange couch. If that's how much of an audio listener you are, you just never. Cam says, Lids, have a word with my uncle. We went to his wedding the other week, and it was brilliant. Everyone had a great time, and it was a multi-day affair. They've got the wedding photos back recently and they're properly shy.

Photographer they bought was either drunk or just wank but regardless, most of the photos are unusable. My uncle has now sent invites around for essentially a wedding redo asking for everyone to wear the same clothes and for all to have candidly posed pictures like we did on the day. I think this is fucking insane.

Have a word with him. Yeah. Do you know if you ever got married, Callum? Would you have like a full Indian wedding when it's like six weeks? Yeah, I'd go out. Yeah, and I wouldn't do the same mistake as him. I'm getting like Christmas calls.

I'm not being dead racist. Your head is on your dad's side is Indian. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Are you a quarter, Adam? A quarter of an Indian. Yeah, yeah. So you just do a quarter of an Indian wedding?

Just a little bit of it, yeah. Fish and chips, but with masala. Yeah, with curry sauce. I can't think of anything worse than having to redo the same day, but it's not proper. No, no one's going to that. No. Same thing.

We're not because you have to book the same venue again. This one was actually written in by my mate. This is a, this is his uncle. Which one? Cam. My mate can't change the name. Nice. Smart like that.

He's got to go again in a suit that's now too small for him. He's putting a bit of weight. Well, hang on. I actually know the Carl's second wedding. I was in decent, well, I was in decent shape for me in Italy. And that suit fit me really well. And by the time I got to the St. George's Law one, I'd put half a store.

back on and it was but they've got they're doing it the same place the same stuff they're doing the whole wedding again they're not just going for the photos they're doing everything nah tell them to fuck off is he doing the best speech again

the best man's speech because that's going to be roughy you just have to pretend to you just have to go and then they take photos why are people such crazy bitches when it comes to weddings everyone just gets the fucking pants in a twist

yeah it's insane my moment I got married in like one of their little like community Where did you go, like, what's the, registry, registry office? Yeah, he done that, then went the pub for a pint. And then my dad went to work. And he was like, yeah, that was it. Yeah, that's not good, Callum.

I know you were trying to offer the alternative. Yeah, yeah. They are still together. Yeah, yeah. There is a direct correlation between the amount spent on a wedding and the likely of divorce. And the more you spend on the wedding, the more likely you divorces. Seven grams.

Still together. To be fair. £22, £20? Yeah. Oops. Oh shit. Oh, Carlson had her

having a lovely time I'm a over and trash. Oh, shit. That was $220 grand. No, what? What? I thought it was real

for a minute. I was there. I could have believed that. That one's real. My parents got married in Vegas and that was a cheap one. They still together, Harry? Katie says,

hi, boys. word with this lad from Hinge I went on a date with. During our meal he was vaping and then said, watch this and started doing... No. That's it. We haven't enjoyed it. That's enough, isn't it? And he started doing smoke rings

and vape tricks. The first time was mildly impressive, but he kept doing it the whole night. Embarrassing behavior. Have a word. You're a vapist, aren't you? No. Don't you, babe? No. He's a Sixman. Yeah, no. I'm a... I'm rolling.

Oh, G, Puffman. Yeah, Puffman. No, I wouldn't have a vape. Like, if you're gonna do it, like, do it properly. Yeah, yeah, that's what I think. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the lack of self-awareness in this man,

like, even if he's the fittest guy on the, what's going on here? I was just laughing out of the premise. Like, a squeaky laugh at it. The idea of doing, like, the lack of awareness in this fellow's life, if you, like, felled him up, if he was your fella, your life will be a living nightmare. Is there any vape tricks that you would go? Have you seen like a dog?

Mate, if he like... You blew a dog. A yo-yo. Yeah. Oh yeah. Doberman. Like, probably like, fuck, yeah. Watch this girl.

Sistine chappel. Yeah, that'd be impressive. Two towers. Here's plate one. If he proposed, if he proposed doing that though. We nearly got to the end of the episode. We nearly made it. Every week.

And we talked about terrorism before. Are you going to say he's blown the engagement ring? Yeah, if he proposed, got on one knee, and then just done a little hoop. Respect. People can do that huge. Did you learn any tricks when you were vaping? What? You were vaping for, what, 18 months?

I vaped. Did you learn any tricks? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was doing loads of tricks. Made all your money disappear. The main trick is we went to the altitude center to test for, you know,

altitude sickness. And that's the main trick. I now can't breathe properly. So that was great, really good. Impressive at dinner. Laura loves it. No, I used to, when I was a tabsman back in the deer, you know. The old L&B, 1.20 for 10.

Nice. I used to love a smoke ring. I got thrown out of a staff meeting once after working at the frog and bucket on the bar because the manager was being a special type of knobbed and he was bollicking us for absolutely no reason and we just had to sit there and take it because he was a psycho

and my only bit of like I just couldn't you weren't allowed to say a word otherwise you go fucking mental so we were allowed to smoke this was before the smoking bar so I was just smoking blown smoke rings as he was bollicking us and they were just like going into the middle of the comedy club but everything had been cleared

there was just these hoops going into the sky and he sent me home early he was like right you can go I was like fucking great you're bollicking us you fucking idiot oh yeah I'd like to smoke ring but I know again it still looks horrible and he's not the fittest person in the world

is he because he vapes it he's not fit since like Jamie Hutchison tweet about Jamie Vardy when Jamie Vardy was like oh I'm leaving Leston he was like why didn't he just go and fulfil what everyone knows he should do

just like get the mother of all vape shops in North Wales every time vaping comes up I think of Jamie Vardy they all look a bit like Jamie Vardy don't think it's like the goth version of you're like when a planes would like write messages in the sky and smoke

the thing is if he's that good at it then it's all right you just can't be intermediate or beginner and be doing this on a date like genuinely I know we're taking the piss but if he could blow the Sistine Chapel with a vape then he can bake whenever he wants

and you will fucking sit down and wagamamas and appreciate the Sistine Chapel Wagamamas he can't be glazes out of Old Trafford can you One lesson in green One in gold One in green

One in gold Anonymous says Wag Waglitz Can you please have a word With my daughter She's 16 And it's... Whoa

Re-do that I'll try it again She's 16 Whoa And sorry She's 16 And has started Dressing more alternative

And love shopping At vintage shops Etcetera I was doing the washing the other day, and when picking up my best pair of jeans, I'd noticed that I've had for years, I noticed that there were loads of rips and holes in them.

I asked her and she told me she needed new clothes for a party and just turned my clothes into vintage girls' fashion without asking. She'd cropped one of my nice shirts, fuck my jeans and even stole some of my old ties. She doesn't see the problem, but I'm fucking livid. Have a word with her.

Hang on. I sort of was having a little brain holiday there, so just She's taking her dad's jeans, put holes in them. And then she's got his ties, cut them up. She's making, like, kooky, alternative girl, vintage fashion, but with the dad's actual clothes. Yeah, just tell her she owes you some clothes, but like, is it his daughter?

Yeah. Oh, right, okay. Well, how can she put... Oh, you mean, oh, it wasn't like a swap for her clothes. No. It is cool, I was creative. I like her. And if she wasn't 16, I think I'd fancy her.

Oh. You can't do it without permission, though. What? You can't do it without permission. That's like Robin Hood, but for, like, clothes and that. Yeah, Robin Hoodies. Yeah, Robin Hood. Nice.

If Evert her, takes my clothes and cuts them up. Should be doing you a favour? If I'm going to spike the ball like that, what do I expect? If I'm serving them up on a plate, she's getting a fucking headkitting. What have you done with that? Look, looks quite nice. Three quarters,

you've cut the live laugh, fluff off the back. Catch planes, not feelings. Dan had a jacket once that said Catch flights, not feelings. But he doesn't read clothes before he buys them, so he'd been in Zara, tried it on and gone, that looks all right, Dad.

That looks all right, walk straight out, isn't he? The back, catch flight, not feelings. And my stop the boat's t-shirt went down, really bad with one. Fuck me. The flights were to Rorah. Oh my God, no mind.

I was going to say the flights were to Rwanda. It doesn't matter. I messed up the toilet. So it's fine. You can just take... Keep it in. Do not edit that out. No.

The flight twisted. No, it doesn't happen. It's a tongue twister. I think that that is a pod and it's a beautiful pod and Callum it's been three years since you've been on and you're going to be back on

a lot sooner than that I think you're a legend. It's a bit of an anomaly that he's not been back on. We love Callum. I book the guests and I never make it a priority to book the people

who are relatively local to us because I'm always like oh, we book people in things happen and our guests quite often we have a guest who texts Just a few days before and goes, I've got to do next week or I've got,

I'm going to have to push it back a month because everyone's busy and obviously in your edge ago, I don't book the local guys in because I need them for when someone drops out and then it's just so easy. And we were sat here like a month or so ago. And we were planning,

is it this month's patron special? It's August special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we did a big fat quiz of the 90s and 90s and we had Dan and Finn as one team. We had Danny McGlorn. And I said to Carl, who do you want to be your teammate for this one?

And he immediately was like, get Callum for us. Like, we'll just be dead naughty little boys, and that we'd be class. And I was like, when was Callum last on? And in my head, you'd been in here at least once and maybe twice. But it was Runcorn years ago. You'd never been on with Dan, never been on with Carl. And I was like, right, let's get him booked back in before the quiz goes out. And then that.

And I think, do you know, Carl asked for your episode today to be moved? Because he was gutted. He was missing it again. I love Carl, man. And we're just going to make sure whenever he's off, you're booked in. Oh, absolutely. I love that trend.

Like, forever. I have a few Adam Rowan friends' shows that have a handful of tickets left. So, Manchester on the 3rd of September at the Frog and Bucket, I think has got about 30 or 40 left. Leeds, the day after that on the 4th September, has got a proper handful left, like less than 12. same at Cardiff on the 7th of September

same at London on the 10th of September and then as we get towards the end of the year most of them are sold out but all the shows on Adam row dot code at UK at the minute they're the Adam row and friend shows and yeah the show is starting to take some really good shape I'm doing Liverpool hot water Dan Nightingale and Friends Thursday

the 28th of August I'm on with Ishan We've got a special guest and Simon Wozniak is closing that. All the other shows that I'm doing the Dan Nightingale and Friends shows have sold out. That's the last one with tickets available.

Dan Nightingale.com for that. And on Saturday, the 6th of September, I think we're going to do our last karaoke show. Yeah? We've had a lot of fun doing them. I think this is going to be the last one. It's £10 a ticket. We've already sold about 85 tickets.

There's probably 60, 70 tickets available. This will be the last one. So come and send us off in style. It's the most fun night in terms of a night out. It's an absolute blast. Seven till 10, Saturday the 6th of September at Teddy's ticket again on Dan Nightingale.com. I will add Sunday the 28th of September for the Christmas country day. Hawyee, the Christmas cabin, Sunday the 28th of December, sorry, will go to my website.

Because at the minute, I was about to tell you where to get tickets for it, you just have to find the link because it's fucking nowhere. So that's up there, and obviously a full week and a day before that, the 20th of December, we returned to the arena, and tickets are really, really starting to run short. We're just fucking singing. We've got a band, and I don't know how you say it. I'm going to guess it's daddy, because it's D-A-D-D-E.

I'm going for daddy. What else could that possibly be? Dedy? Or Dada-da-D-D. No, let's say Daddy Daddy Yes, Daddy I hated

Dad's so much Okay, so what's Daddy doing today? The Bagman Daddy and the Bagman Here we go So this is The Bagman by Daddy Bye Thank you, Callum, love you

Thank you, love you too Thanks for watching Thanks for listeners Bye, please The back man will help you back up, he said the back man will help you back up, he said the back man will help you back up, he said the back man will help you back up. Well, you know, it's unreal when you touch your teeth and you can't even feel it. Has a mess, a mezzan system, it's just an overcame. Oh, because anyway, the back man will help you back up.

He said the back man will help you back up. He said the back man will help you back up. He said the back man will help you back up. Well, yeah, now you can't deal with this high. speed crash, straining the steel the crisis, I suppose that you might have a fair point, yeah. My mess is never ever gone.

shot, but otherwise am I supposed to stay up all night. All my friends fairly looking worse for wear, but don't worry baggy man's there out on the terror now. All we really have left to worry about is simply not running out in which pocket I put it in. If you be in particularly sound, then yeah, let's do it together now. The bag. Man, it helped me back up, I said the back man, it helped me back up, I said the back man, it helped me back up, I said the back man, it helped me back up. I don't know if I like techno, or I just love shoving shit into my nose. One quick whip and that hunts, months, fun's just pure bliss out.

Help me back up. I said the bag man to help me back up. I said the back man. He helped me back up. I said the bad man that helped me back up. I love bad. You love bad. He, she, they love that love bad. Yeah. Thank you.