Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #342 with Abby Boom - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: August 17, 2025

Tickets for the ARENA SHOW, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comDan & Finn's Final Karaoke Party: https://www.skiddle.com/e/40966945Listen to Finn's music: https://bio.to/FinnlayKAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Saily | https://saily.com/Download SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What's happening, Lids? Before we start this week's episode of the podcast, I've got to tell you my brand new stand-up special, what's wrong with me, is out right now on the have-a-word YouTube channel. That's YouTube.com slash have-a-word pod, if you're listening on audio. And if you watch it on YouTube, you're already there.

It's the best thing I've ever done. The production value is insane. The reaction has already been insane. And I only released it like an hour ago. So I'm very grateful to everyone who's going to watch it. But do us a favour. you enjoy it, like it, leave a comment and especially share it, put it in your WhatsApp groups, put it in your Instagram stories, spread the word for us, let's blitz the views we did on my last

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Watch it, like it, share it. Appreciate it, and I'll see you soon. Enjoy the episode. It's class. Welcome to the Have a Word podcast. I'm here with my good friend and business partner, Carl. And my God, we've achieved a lot on this podcast in the last five and a half years. Oh, it doesn't get any bigger than this.

We are back with a podcast live show at the arena in Liverpool on Saturday, the 20th of December. It's going to be a podcast extravaganza. Stand up in the first half. Booze in the break. And then we have a podcast live show. We have essentially a party. If you were there three years ago, you know how good it gets. It's just a celebration of everything.

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and then you shut it down for Christmas Gooch and New Year's Eve. Imagine this for one second. I love the Have Away podcast. Wow, I love them, boys. I've watched it for five years. Wow. I'm going to give it a miss out of the arena. It's not for me.

January comes. Everyone's going. They just hear about the arena. you don't know a thing mate you don't have to loop no one even likes you anymore so you can get don't be that guy or girl

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episode with insert name. Don't you agree? I love insert name. Yeah. Enjoy. Wagwagg leads, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game from the heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei

Carl and Finn. This is the one and only. Have a word. Brought to you by Manscape, the very best product on the market for below The waist do me. Go, Ed. Get on me.

I think I might start getting pedicures. I thought you're going to say pegged. I thought you were going to say pegged. No, not quite there, yeah. Never been kissed. Never been pegged. And that is, um, pedo, the good pedi.

The good pedicure. Yeah. Right, so that's getting your fucking... By the way, I'm not a paedophile who needs like an antidote for fucking kids. I'm just getting like me nails. If more pedophiles just got the fucking feet done.

There's no Asian paedophiles, are there? That cannot be true. All the nail shops are like Chinese. Ah. Ah. I thought you were just... Yeah. I just thought you were throwing out a statement.

Because if you listened to the internet, there's a lot of other... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry for that grenade. I didn't mean it. But yeah, I find it hard to get the right angle to cut me toenails. So I'm going to get a little Asian woman to do it. Because they're already at a weird angle. So, there's a lot of reach around.

You met my feet, not Asian women. Are they at weird angles? Depends if they're lying down or not. Listen, a lot of the, a lot of brothers, a lot of the, like, the black male community are all over the paedicure, aren't they? Are they? Yeah, man, it's a bit of thing.

They get the nails done. They get the nails did done right. I imagine it, I imagine it, it's lovely. I imagine it's really nice. And you close your eyes and you have a lovely time. But there's just something toxic masculinity, you won't let me. What? That's a manicure, by the way.

Has it? You can do it. As long as you, if you've got a woman that you're paying, it almost leans into Toskic, maculeney. I don't think any. I don't think Andrew Tate's back in his voice to get manicures and pedicures. Like, no, I think you're right. It's in the name.

But yeah, I think it. Cures, men. I think I might do the manicure as well. I just get manny peddies like, you know, a couple of times a week. Have you lined up a gaff? No. I've just... Are you going in or are you having someone come to your house?

Probably go in. Yeah. Yeah. For the experience, isn't it? Yeah. I wanted to go and get the fish one done. But apparently that's illegal now. They don't do that anymore.

Don't do that. It's bad for you. I'm bad for the fish, isn't it? Eating my feet would be bad for the fish. I think it's a psoriasis sufferer that that's like all you can eat buffet for the fish. Did you have it done? I had it done in Spain a few years ago. It feels weird.

And then afterwards I googled it. It was like, yeah, you're just putting your feet in low, everyone else's bacteria as well. Like everyone else's feet had been there and they just don't clean it. Yeah, but it's your feet who gives a fuck about everyone else's bacteria. If you're getting it done in your face. What if you've got a varroa? Well, I just think if you're going to get... God, yeah.

I just think if you're going to get your feet cleaned, you don't want them to come back. Dirtier than you went with them. Oh, that's true. You say they're illegal? Yeah. The police cracked down on this. Yeah. Underground fish rings.

Because that was like the biggest business for the shopping centre in Skem. That was the biggest biggest. Late noise. Underground fishing is what I call Calamari on a buffet, by the way, when you think it's an onion ring. Yeah.

The only time I ever ride Calamari. Pover. Oh, it's not a good surprise. I don't mind Calamani, but I need to know, I'm eating it. Do I mean? Can't be a secret onion ring. No, it's just, yeah.

Squiddered off. off. You hear about Billy? He's a secret at onion ring, if you know what I mean? No, not really. But I can guess. So didn't they just say it was like torture for the fish? No, the fish love it.

Oh, they love it! That's what they're bred to do. No, no, but they like doing it. They do like doing it. They didn't just discover this and then force them into it. Yeah, you can't force a fish to do anything. Threatening them afterwards. You can't force.

No fish to do anything, really. Fact. Yeah. But, like, it was basically, like, you know, it was unhealthy for the fish. It was, like, just going to the fucking zoo and giving all the monkeys, big macks. Like, yeah, they'll eat them,

but it's not good for them. A feat big macks in this scenario. Take the gherkin off the foot. Yeah. Like, monkeys will eat, you know, fucking loaded fries. That's a bad idea. It's frowned upon at the zoo as well.

Please don't feed the monkeys' loaded fries. Sweet potato fries, maybe. Right, okay, so I'd like to come with you on your first trip. Is that all right? Yeah, yeah. Can we make it a pod trip? I'd love to get these. Oh, that I really pissed Carl off in Japan if we all went, got pedicures.

It feels like a car thing. It feels like the thing he'd slag Adam off for saying he wanted to do. And then do it. And then probably do it, yeah. Yeah. Me and Sederger, I've been doing that for seven years behind if he's back. I haven't got a big toe, though, on one of my feet. So I don't know.

You mean a toenail? Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry, yeah, yeah. Whoa. Yeah. How can that be an aggressive way to deal with an ingrowing toenail? That foot's going to come off. You haven't got a big toe?

I haven't got a big toenail on my right. They might be able to do like an aesthetic one. Yeah, like a hair chance. Oscar Pustoddy toes. Nice. Just there's a limit of how much lacquer can make, make it look like I've got a toenail. What happened there? GCC Results Day, 997.

Celebrating? No, that's what you get for. for not getting all A's, my pretty strict family. These are a disgrace, toenail off. I had an ingrownail, and it was sore for all of, like, my GCSEs. And we were playing footy, like, all the time. And I still, and I'm right-footed and just played through it. And then it got so bad it got infected.

And then they were like, right, that toenail has to come off, and it is brutal. It's two injections in your big toe. And then they get a scalpel. and split your big toe and then just yank those four bits out. Scoop them out. Fuck me, it hurt. And then they put, like, chemicals in to stop the toenail growing again and didn't put enough in.

So I've got this, like, I've got this nubbit that tries to grow out of the left side going, I'm a toenail. You're like, no, you're not. You're an abomination. So I don't know if that's going to get me a discount or if I'm going to pay extra when she's like, oh, my God. It's less square footage, in it?

Yeah, exactly. I don't think they do it by square foot, though. Emotional damage. I've got a black, like, little toe. Hey. Where's that sideways, isn't that? But like, if I went and got that done, would they just, like, square of that?

Because they go, oh, that one's... What do you mean? What's happened to that one? I've got a reason why I've got a gammy toe. I think I've just, like, someone stood on it or I've, like, stubbed it. How long have been black, honey? a couple weeks, but I thought it'd be gone by now, and it hasn't.

But normally they just fall off, don't they? Because, like, like, Powell's toenails fall off all the time. Because footballers' toenails do. They just, like, their feet are minging. Because there was a fella at Tranmear, when he was at Tranmear, called Footman, and he'd ask people, he'd pay them loads of money to send photos of the feet, or the footballers. They were all in league, too, so they all did.

When he was born with that name, he had no option. Yeah, exactly. It was nominative to term. That's the great thing about promotion, isn't it? Finally, you have enough money to not send footman, your gammy feet. I met him, he was great. Hang on, is your toe nail black, or is your toe black? A tone nail.

Right, okay. My toe was bruised, just a little bit, but my toe nail has kind of stayed. But the toenail is the face of the toe, isn't it? So it's, you know. Yeah, it's front facing. It's like PR for the rest of the top. Is it ingrown? Or is it just hurting?

It's not hurting anymore. Yeah, it's just, like, bruised under it. Right, right, right, right. I've done that on my hand, my, this finger nail fell off. Oh, and you're still podcasted, Harry. I'm a trooper. I know what I do are the ingrown hair. I'm one of us bollocks,

and he has to get the bollock off. What? Put me off, shaving me bollocks for a while. Because he got it, you know, and like you close shave your bollocks. Yeah. And then you can get ingrown hairs from that,

can't you? That's how you get them. And it went in the ball. It wasn't, the ball bag. It basically stabbed us bollock. And the bollick had to go. Yeah, he lost one of us bollocks.

That's what happened to Hitler. A ringgrown toenail. He should have used a manscape. there you go Hitler Hitler's ingrown hair was from this side of his mustache like it went in there and all the way down

him and into his bollar her ingrown hair's common because I don't think I'd be able to identify one in a lineup what do you mean like sometimes sometimes my hair's hair but I'm not sure if that's just

a sore hair or if it's ingrown so I've got one moustache hair that sticks up no well that's outgrowing in it oh do they ingrowing hair is a hair that is growing into you

It's all in the name, Harry. No, but I thought... You've got a lot of outgrowing hairs. They're called hairs. Yeah, but I thought it was like it'd been pushed in a little bit. Right. It's like...

No, it's literally growing into you. Oh, mad. Yeah. And that's what like girls watch when they get popped out. Yeah. Those videos, yeah. Every time I get me neck done at the barbers,

I get them and he'll pull one out and it'll be like... I get them in my neck twice a bit. Aye, aye, aye. But in your balls. Yeah, that's not good. That's a bad way to lose. Any way to lose your bollock, but that feels like a pathetic way to think of those.

Oh, no, there's good ways of losing a testicle. You know, saving a drowning family. You lose a ball because of that. I cannot link those two, though, in my head. I can't ad lib that quick. I don't know how you say, maybe you've got one really floaty testicle. Can I ask you a question?

And you give it up as like a, can I ask you a question? Because I think every man's got an answer to this. Like, immediate, don't think about it. You've got your left ball, your right ball. If I said to you right now, got to lose one. Which one's gone? Left.

Yeah, my left one as well. Left as well. See, I've gone right, but my left one hangs lower. So in my head, I was thinking, tactically, is it worth losing your left one? Because then it's, like, more compact than it. It's like a convertible. I'd have to, if I was genuinely losing one,

I'd check which one wasn't hanging lower. I'd go for the one that's... Because I need my balls to start drooping more because it's pathetic sometimes. They're just too high up. It'll be a day where you rue those words. Yeah, pretty soon. And when they're flapping around my ankles?

Yeah. Well, I'm 44, so when's the drop happening? When's it happening? They need to drop. Well, the thing is, they just gradually more and more drop. Like, it's not like a, like, women, like basically the menopause, their pussy falls off and then it's done. Do you know what I mean? But there's O'Connor that kids in his 70s.

Yeah. So take that. Women. I heard the flaps. I heard the flaps sort of, you know, when you hit Bangin Age, I mean, a lot of people call it puberty, but, you know, they sort of, they go out like, ooh, I want that dick. And then when you hit the menopause, it all just sort of goes back in.

Like a Venus flytrap. Like a Venus flytrap. Like the most aggressive of all the flowers. Yeah, they sort of go, oh, it's game time. No, shit tired now. And then just disappear back. fucking, that's, you had your fun, Maureen. This is going to sound rough.

When women hit menopause, are they just, like, dry as a desert after that point? Well, I have something to say about this, and I'm just going to remember if we're on a public episode. Oh, fuck me, we are. Apparently not. Apparently, not for everyone. I thought it was like kindling. Have you aired of a woman who's not? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have. Yeah, yeah. I don't know how this came up in conversation. But Laura mentioned this when we were with... Or another woman. Her mum. Oh, no. Okay, yeah, good.

I was hanging out with another woman who isn't Laura. And her mom. And her mum. And I did that load. I don't know. She was just a consensual friend. A platonic friend. That's the less rapy way of saying that.

And she was like, yeah, that's something that I'm, you know, concerned about. and this older lady, her mum, who I don't know and haven't met and haven't spent Christmases with, said, never a problem for me. What imagery? It was a difficult conversation to have because I don't think I should have been there. It's one of those mother-daughter conversations

that I think, listen, who knows what moms and daughters are talking about all through the light? They're very close, they're open about stuff. But I shouldn't say, On reflection, I shouldn't have said, fucking slip and slide. And everyone laughed, and it turns out, you know,

that I choose platonic female friends really well that I'm spending the rest of my life. Is that what women talk about with their moms? Like, I wouldn't talk to my... And their son-in-laws as well. I wouldn't talk to my dad about getting a rod on. No, but I think what it is. First of all, I think a mother-daughter relationship

is a lot more... intimate than a father-son like i think father-sum release chip is essentially right here's how you clean your asshole here's how you fix a bike on your way is that the big chat yeah is that the big chat listen i need to see you now son we're going to talk about the birds of the bees and your shitty asshole is that a famous father-son chat you know what i mean no like your mom's having to clean these kits we need a chat you're 20 Why is she even doing you washing? You moved out six years ago.

The dad's job is, right, look, sometimes you're going to look at an attractive woman, your cock's going to get stiff, here's how to fix a bike, here's how you pay the lechy, off you go. All in one day. You're going to be a busy lad.

That's pretty much here. And I think men's bodies are a lot less complicated than women's, aren't they? So we're pretty similar our whole life, as I mentioned before. There's O'Connor, you know? Still pumping. It's no bumping.

That's my new nickname. Well into his 70s, you know, and host him fucking nacho he did with Melanie Sykes. He was flying. Desmond Mel. Desmond Mel. Difficult one to remember. It's always one of those ones.

Did he shagmiling class? Possibly. I don't really know what Deso Conner is, but I remember when he died and myelin class was dead upset. And that's where I've put two and two together. No, they were on through the keyhole together. oh yeah but what does that really mean you know euphemism so but because women's bodies are more

complicated and the the closest sort of you know copy of their body to them is their mom i think they do as their lives go on and things change because women's bodies are constantly changing i think their best sort of port-a-callers go hey mom is me pussy going to fall off is it going to get their dry is it going to affect me anal game like i think they just Mom, what are you up to? Are you at work? Five minutes. I just need five minutes from you.

I'm worried about my pussy getting dry and also, is that going to affect my anal game? No, it's not. You're still taking up the arse regularly. Super duper. Yeah. See you later. Get on me. Four, the bottom line of all of this anyway is just loob it up.

Yeah. Or you don't need to. Yeah. When that happened, did you kind of, like, fucking get in? I was like, it was a mix of emotions. Why is that make you feel a bit off? I don't know. I don't know.

Thinking about any. But anyway. A relative's vagina. I don't know. I was like, oh, good for you. Fucking, I tried to high-fiver. Slip straight off. Shaded him halfway down the lane.

Yeah, so I'm getting pedicures anyway. Yeah, it's great. I'd like to come with you and not have a conversation about that. Oh, God. How much is pedicure knocking you back these days? I think it's only like two, three hundred quits. Brilliant. I guess.

30 quid. That's my guess. I don't. Can you get us a price up, Harry? Between 20 and 40 quids in Liverpool as well. These are local prices. Look that. Nice.

Mr. Bang on. Mr. Mr. Bangon. I want a woman doing it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think they're getting a massage,

you know, like... Foot massage. Like, just any massage? Like, this Pulp Fiction we're doing. No, well, I've had a massage from a Chinese man. And if he was... Listen, if he wasn't Chinese,

he's doing a bang-on impression of one. And that was one of the most vigorous seeing-toes. I've ever had. Went in with back pain, I think from driving. He beat man up for fucking one Chinese hour.

And the day after I was like, Laura, that is the worst thing I've ever done. I feel worse. And then the next day it felt better and then I never had the back pain again. So that was all good. When it comes to like sports massage working out the...

Eastern medicine as well, and he will have had some like Chinese oil like yours back pain and he's gone, Did you go to the gym with him or is this just the current masseuse? No, no. No, that's just Teresa. My sports masseuse.

I went from now. I'm going with tomorrow morning. We're doing backs and biceps and she's got both, mate. You know what I mean? I went back to the gym yesterday. I'm in a lot of pain today. I've got, you know, the doms,

the laid onset muscle soreness. Right. But that just goes, the more regularly you go. Totally. When you do the first proper leg day And then you get the wobble As you're going up or downstairs That just goes

I think the fact that I went and had four pints After the gym yesterday This is what they ask you to do, isn't it? Now you've trained Yeah, and they never mean about amino acids and protein You need four pines of Guinness, stat I got a massage through the day Listen to this side

So I had a great week off by the way Thank you for accommodating a week off day That was nice to have Jamie in. I went and got a massage. We've been staying at the Hope Street Hotel. Basically, we ripped the bathroom out and the plumber ends. Not of Hope Street Hotel. No, the plumber was like,

you're not going to have a toilet for like four days. That's great. I was like, yeah, that is the only toilet in the house though. And he's like, not anymore. It's sort of the off. So you decided to have a holiday eight miles from where you live. Yeah, but it's been fucking great. Like Liverpool's class.

I don't know how you've been. Like around, but like as a tourist. Went to docks. Be useful. Have you done the Beatles Museum and everything? We could have done that. Like we had a little staycation. We went on, my missus is like big into her cocktails.

She used to be a proper, like she's the manager of a restaurant now, but she came up in hospitality through high-end cocktail bars. So she fucking loves it to a level. me and Carl and never did like she's a fucking nerd with her. So we... A mixologist? Yeah.

A barbeth, as I call her. Nice. I wonder which one she prefers. She sort of accepts it all. Because she sound. Like she will watch someone make a cocktail and she'll just be like, she's not listening to her.

Like me and her at the bar, I'm here, you're me. She's just like having the conversation like, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, what are you doing? She's like, just watching how he shakes her. So you have the match. behind her.

She has a cocktail making masterclass behind you. You never talk and everyone's happy. Fucking perfect date. But yeah, we went to went on a proper little cocktail pub crawl and then finished it with a pint of Guinness

and then went to bed. That was a fucking perfect date. Like, fucking brilliant. Good food. Five cocktails in a pint of Guinness bed. That was a Saturday. We never, ever, ever sat the off at the same time, ever.

It was fucking perfect. and a Sunday got up went for a roast dinner for breakfast at 12pm and then went and watched the match got so pissed watching the match that I had to go to bed early went to bed at 7pm

woke back up at half 8 and went back out so I woke up and she went she was like you have a nice sleep there she was like I didn't really wasn't really ready to come on when I was like well I feel fine now she was like can we go back out I was like yeah she went back out her idea midday is early for a roast

yeah but We had to eat before the match. And we had to also get from where we were having the roast to Pogues to watch the match. Is Pogs good for the match? If you get there early enough to get the seat you want, yeah? Right, okay. And to be honest, it was relatively quiet today.

Nice. Like, it wasn't like he even. Is this a friendly? It was the community shield. Ah, the community shield. Sorry, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's friendly when you lose it on penalties. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We don't want. It's serious. And then had like a hangover day on Monday And went for a massage And it was one of the best massages I've ever had At Hope Street Yeah Because they've got a spa

And the girl who massage me As we come out, they're waiting You know, with the little glass of water They give you when you come out And she was like You're carrying a lot of stress In your legs And I was like, what you mean?

She's like, your legs are stressed And I was like, what are you talking about? She's like, I imagine there's something going on where you're feeling stressed and your store and all of that. Yeah, I haven't got a bathroom, love, do you know me? In your legs? And I was like, how does it get there?

Because it's in my head as well. Like, I'm stressed. So she was like, yeah, but like what your body's doing is, how your brain works, is it gets all the stress that it can handle, keeps it in the brain. And then it puts the stuff that it's not ready to deal with you into your muscles.

Question, where did she get a PhD from? Because she sounds phenomenal. No, they move it around. You've got too much stress in your legs. So they move it. It's like storage. You can't have any fingers because then you've got stressed fingers. Can't type a fucking text.

Can't make a phone call. Can't point. Someone asks for the direction. She's like, I'm sorry, love, I can't point. My fingers are fucking so stressed. Which ways the docks? So they've stored it in your legs. You've got big legs on you.

And now you've got stressed legs. Restless legs. You know, you try and go for a walk. You don't. You end up on the roof. Stress legs. Yeah. she sounds great

modern medicine's amazing isn't it and then yesterday was meant to go back to my house but the burn delays the tile I just fucked off that'll do it so I ordered tiles for me

kitchen for the back splash and I'm really glad that was kitchen and not bathroom tiles I need a least fucking thousand tiles for the back splash with your stressed asshole well he's already tiled

the kitchen at the bathroom and the hallway but yeah the tiles turned up yesterday half too and I carried them all in for the tile I was like rice nice on and he's like yeah crack on so I went out for some lunch and come back and there wasn't a single tile on the wall

and the coordinator developer was there and I went where's Martin where's Harry and he went oh he's gone because he said the tiles are complicated so the tiles are like

a little bit rounded it's like the effect of them they're beautiful he was just like ah so rather than going you've got rounded tiles he just went home

yeah without telling me imagine that's fairly frustrating that's more stress in your legs yeah I think it's in my elbows and everything now Like, I had to find another Tyler and he's starting tonight at 6pm. Super duper. Nighttime time.

What? You're in the chase? You're in the chase? It's, yeah. It's so close to being finished but it's so far away. You have had a lot done very quickly though. Yeah, because I just want to fucking done.

Yeah, classic ADHD. I've got a house. Let's do it by Tuesday. Also, I read an article when I bought the house that said, if you can get it all done straight away, get it all done straight away. It was the TikTok. Yeah.

Instead of it, but needing to constantly be improved. Yeah, just fucking do the house, done, bash, sorted, you know? Fair. You've been up too much, Dan. Yeah, I went to Oasis. Did you? I had a lovely moment when they played Don't Look Back in Anger, where it genuinely made me think of you because of all the times,

we sung it at the end of Murder's Row, which was some of my happiest times with this podcast. Edinburgh Murrayfield in Edinburgh Never been Not a big rugbyman So I've never been to Murrayfield

It's like a 45 minute walk from town Which is a nice walk It's not a great walk On the way back When there's 80,000 people Trying to use the same fucking road And some idiots Trying to bottle each other

That was one minor Eggie incident The rest of it was gorgeous It was the hottest day In Scotland's history I'm almost sure I don't look at the stats, but 27 degrees in Scotland

has got to be pushing for their warmest day. What a fucking atmosphere. What a guy I've walked down. Bondi was there with his sister and his mate, John. That's out of nowhere, so he paid for a limousine for us. That was great. Everyone was great.

Mark Nelson and Kai Humphrey's turned up. We were there with a mate of mine, Ben, and his misses, and Laura. Rolled in. The whole day went beautifully. You know, when you set off, it's a four-hour drive, but we got there in good.

with time checked in. I thought we were going to get an afternoon shag. That was not on the cards because she had to do her hair. Privilege. Then went for a few beers. I got a bit carried away.

Women can do the air while you're doing doggy style. Right, cool. I'll put that to her next time. I'm not convinced she'll go with it. Adam says, so I was a bit pissed as we started the walk towards the stadium and then we get in our hospitality bit

which was like a VIP tent area. So those hospitality tickets were 500 quid yeah what was the original price of an oasis ticket like 100 175 something like that oh was oh okay so at the time it was like oh yeah you are paying a lot more but then surge pricing kicked in oh with the search pricing it was about 400 right so apparently the hospitality tickets went on sale ben got them immediately at 500 quid or a little bit more than 500 quid and then they worked out the surge pricing was mental so they took those off and put them back on at a thousand pounds a ticket.

So even though at the time I was like, yeah, we're spending here, this is going to be a bit much. The way it worked out with surge pricing wasn't that, it was cool. You just walked in, they got you two free drinks, you got two free food.

And you know when you're getting like free food, you're like, this is going to be shit. It was really good sort of boutique burger van stuff. Like smash burgers, Indian street food. And because it was in the hospitality section, the cues weren't mental,

if you'd have said at that point, and I know to Oasis fans, this would be so annoying. But the day had gone, so beautifully, the weather was gorgeous. If they'd cancelled the gig. If they'd have gone, hey, the stadium's on fire. You've got to stay here and get pissed.

That I'd have been like, it was beautiful, really good little festival vibe. We missed cast, not that bothered, walked in when Richard Ashcroft had been on for, I think, three or four songs. Yeah. I don't know what songs I miss, because the four I know, drugs don't work. Oh, he does all the songs you know. They're the four I know, I think. No, you don't know the ones. All right.

He's unbelievable is Richard Ashcroft. He hasn't aged at all. He's obviously done heroin at some point or as the natural metabolism of a fucking weasel. It's incredible how good he was, how good he looked, and literally the perfect rock star, I think. It's quite humble and, like, there was a lot of, I just, I loved his performance.

And I've seen a lot of gigs where the support acts, everyone's like, I am not arced. There was... At a sweet symphony's one of the loudest songs of the whole night. 80, 90% of that stadium was full when Richard Ashcroft got on. And I think when he did, the drugs don't work. He let everyone else sing it. For a support act to get that many people singing every word back, it was beautiful.

At this point, we have a little break. So we're up on the left-hand side of the stadium. So we're looking left. We had a really good vantage point. like we could see them on stage the screens were great because they were slightly angled so people on the side could see them

but then we also got to watch 50,000 people in the standing bit love it was great because you got to enjoy them enjoying it and the show and we saw the the Ranger Rover and the MP

like yeah they turned up and so you saw like Liam get out and he's like started the show it was fucking great I haven't listened to Oasis at all in the buildup I thought I'd do some like homework for it so I was tuned in but it's just never happened

I don't listen to Oasis anymore apart from when it's in pubs and on nights out and whatnot I knew 70% of the words maybe I thought I'd know more but they played so many from definitely maybe and what's the story and what's the story I sort of haven't given that song the respect it deserves

I'm not talking the album. Oh, Morning Glory. No, the actual... Yeah, Morning Glory. What's the story? It's fucking banger. They played Fadeaway, which I don't know

and couldn't give a shit about, at the perfect point when I needed a piss. So I went for a piss during Fadeaway, not arsed. What's the other song from Be Here Now that was the hit?

Do you know what I mean? Hey, everything. Both he's did this. Everything past What's the story? Couldn't give a fuck. That one's sick. Liam is incredible. Yeah.

He's exactly as advertised. He's older. but he's cool as fuck. And I didn't realize he fucks around a little bit. Like he's playful with it. At one point he balanced his maracas and his tambourine on his head. Wow. And did like, he was just, I thought he'd be grumpy.

None of them smile the whole time. It's like, it's like they're allergic to smiling, but that's part of the cool, isn't it? I thought, Noel, about five songs in, I was a little worried about his health. He looked sweaty and a bit knackered. Like, Liam hasn't his age of. beautifully.

Noel's 59. Yeah. And was, they're so good musically. It built and built and when the people in the standing

went off, we're obviously... Did you do the Ponsan? Yeah, we did the Ponsan. Yeah. That was kind of cool. I didn't do that. The Pons...

The POSN is not as fun when you're only like 14 rows from the back. So I did the POSNand for a bit and then went, I sort of want to see this many people do the POSN. When it went off, Because Bondi had standing tickets with his sister and his mate. And he was like, I think it'll be,

and we're going to try and get as close as we can, but it'll be pretty tame. Everyone's older. I was like, Bondi, I don't think it will be tame because I've seen the social media clips. Like, everyone goes for it. Like, it's bouncing. He's like, no, it'll be absolutely fine.

What's the first song when it goes? Hello? Is it the first song? Right. And then it's rock and roll star. On rock and roll star. Solid start. They were, they were, they were,

fucking bouncing. Hello, then acquiesce. Shit, sorry. Hello, Acquias. You're fucking done. When it first goes off, everyone was going mental and there was beers going everywhere.

Someone took to beer from behind us just trying to get in the spirit of it and you're like, not really, mate. We're in the upper tier. You've paid 500. You could just chill out a little bit. It's fine. It's not the end of the world.

I loved it. And the only other stadium tour I've ever seen was Luke Holmes, which was incredible. but it's well better when you know 90% of the songs Yeah Like, that's why I enjoy Luke Holmes

Yeah, yeah More than anyone else did that day I thought Luke Jones was great But when you know two songs It was really good And Laura Had a lot of money spent on her For that ticket

And the hotel was expensive And I said, what do you think did you rent? It's pretty good Some of the worst money I've ever spent She enjoyed it but she was like, yeah, yeah, pretty good. But she doesn't like being out of the house.

That's true. And that is very out of the house. Yeah, that says out of the house you can get. So maybe that will be... We had a couple of moments where, like, on the... Yeah, it was nice being there with her, but value for the money we spent on Laura's ticket and hotel, probably not the best investment.

Yeah, it's fine. But I did get to do a doggy style where she did her, so... After the gig. Lucky man. I really enjoyed it. And I thought of you. Thank you. It was nice.

Also the fucking moon came up. There was the castle. It was stunning place to see it. I thought it was mental at Mark. Day became night. Day became night. I think if you asked Laura, what was the best bitch?

She was like, oh, that was a lovely orange moon. The outfits of your gang. Yours was, I really liked your top. Hasn't Carl got that top? Does he?

Oh, I don't know. I don't think so. I went in JD and I was like, I want something that looks right. Like a black Adidas classics. Yeah. Kai was in some mad Newcastle top and then Mark was wearing a parker.

He wore, I think, the Newcastle Awakeet from 1998, Kai, turned up, already spannered with his new fucking hair. Yeah. With a, like one of those midnighties bucket hats with all the smiley faces on that Simpletons took ecstasy to in 1994.

He was so happy. Mark Nelson, being at Oasis, it's like Down syndrome kids meeting John Cena. It's unreal how happy it makes him. I almost want Oasis to keep touring. Martin Nelson, he is quite a joyful person, but his comedy is dark, isn't it?

And it's one of my favourite comedians. But he's not going on going, oh, do you know what I fucking love? He's like, he's got evil within him, and that's why he's such a brilliant joke writer. He's so elated at being, like, when we all met up. Hasn't he been, like, four times this week? He's been to all three of the Scottish shows.

So, so, so Laura and Laura's like, oh, hi Mark, you know, you're looking forward to it. And he went, I'm just so happy that you get to see it. I was like, well, Laura will be looking at the moon. He bought a, was it a pretty? Charlottons. Was it a Charlotton Parker? Yeah, it was 27 degrees and he wore it the whole walk down.

Great, really into it. I don't know who, I'd like to go and see Stadiumax again. I don't know who will better that into it. of like, I'm not into a band enough. Yeah. I probably haven't been into a band enough. For a stadium, you have to, for a stadium shot, this is maybe a personal thing anyway.

I only really enjoy live music when I know the words. Yeah. Like standing in a field listening to a song, I don't know the words too. Doesn't really interest me. I don't think it interests anyone because everyone I love the Aisus, but if they went, hey, we've written a new one this week, we'll play it.

No one of them would have lost my shit. But you and you do enjoy it, don't you? I love going to bands, I don't know. Yeah. Like, I just don't get that. I get nothing from it. You want the collective anthemic experience. I do understand.

I do understand what you mean. It is nice to sing along in like a communal thing. Well, you told me going to see Oasis is like the biggest sing-along you'll ever go to. Yeah. And it is. Yeah, you can barely hear him some of the time. It's just a sing-along. Zach Bryan in High Park, I was, because obviously he's,

he's probably the biggest country star at the minute and he doesn't really sort of see himself as a country star he wants to just be a musician. Luke Combs is probably as big and in America Morgan Wallen's probably as big but like Morgan Wallen did High Park last year and didn't quite sell out one day. Zach Bryan sold out two days,

65,000 people twice. Now it's not Oasis levels but that is still... Oh yes. That is absurd. And I thought there'd have a lot of casuals and just be people who were just, oh, he's the new guy. 65,000 people knew almost every word to almost every song.

That's the one in it. You want to be with the dialogue. That makes a stadium, and obviously that's a park show, but it's the same sort of vibe, isn't it? That makes a stadium show fun and good. When you know the words and everyone, when the atmosphere is like that,

I sometimes struggle with the support acts when no one knows. It's just sometimes a bit tough to watch someone perform to 65,000 people who are just looking. Also, sometimes you're like, surely the band have a saying who's supporting them. Yeah. It's not just the touring promoter

because Asian Dub Foundation supported Radiohead when I saw them in 2003. And Radiohead fans are very meek and mild and everyone just stared out Asian Dub Foundation. It was a bad bucket. Like no one was being a cunt about it. It's not in Radiohead fans' nature, but it was like, what are we doing here?

That is a, like the verve, sorry, Richard Ashcroft before Oasis. It's perfect. Fucking perfect. The only change I would have made would take Castaway, put Ocean Colise scene there, and that is the strongest, support of Oasis

possible. Yeah. Cast had just done Liam Gallagher's last tour, so that's sort of why they got this. I'll tell you what, listen, I know you don't go looking for it, but when you know it's here, you can't unsee it. That is the whitest collection of

80,000 people I've ever seen. Oasis fans, plus Scottish Oasis fans. Oh, I was a white, white crowd. Ooh! Do you know the story of

Richard Ascroft and Bitter Sweet Symphony. Do you know the story of him losing that song and getting a bad? Because they got sued for PRS. He wrote it. He wrote it and there's a bit in it that is a bit similar to a bit in a Roland Stones song. Is it the violin? Yeah.

Yeah. So, but it's not like an obvious one. It's not like fucking... Oh, no, it is. It is the song. Oh, hang on. I get it. But then they found a song from...

that that the Rolling Stones had ripped it off from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. But by the time they found that, it was just like... So initially, the Rolling Stones manager had gone to Richard Ashcroft and gone. We won half the song. And he was like, oh, no, it's my fucking song, fuck off. Then there was an argument about it.

And then they went, oh, actually, we could just have all of it. So we'll just have all of it. So he has never, up until a couple of years ago, ever made a penny off that song. It's all gone to the Rolling Stones. and he's been in sort of legal battles for years and Mick Jagger and Ronnie Wood they essentially owned it them too through their sort of pairing company and whatever

and a few years ago they just both went just fucking give him his song and just got involved and went fucking stop it and give him his fucking song yeah because it wasn't theirs yeah right great and also they're worth 400 million pounds each they're doing all right yeah

right yeah it's not as obvious as some, like, do I mean? It's the, it's the violin. It's not the do, do, it's the, we'll listen to it in the book. All right, okay. You're going to Wembley.

No, I'm not. How many have you been to? I'm hoping to go to Lerra. It's like Finn been to nine of these. You've been to two. I've been to three. You've been to both Manchester's and Cardiff. Two Manchester in Cardiff, yeah.

Right, okay. And you're trying to get to Wemble. I'm trying to go to the last one with my brother to bookend the tour. Because you don't know if they're going to come back. They are. I think they will. There's been loads of leaks. I think they'll do Nebworth next year.

Nebworth and a, like, a European run. And Glasgow. Yeah. And Newcastle. Yeah, and Europe. I've provisionally booked a hotel for Amsterdam. That would be my head of four. From the leak date?

From the leak date. Yeah. With free cancellation. That's what I did for Cardiff and it worked. That's so funny. Class, enjoyed it. Right, let's have a little break. If you only watch and listen to the

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if you love this podcast be a fool not to I was just about to say that like all of that verbatim like verbatim that's just what I was thinking you know because we're fucking sympathetic I was about to see sympathetic oh love let's do some advice

to help Frank it I'll solve your problems I'll tell you the best thing to do If you want to do it You'll be fine If you don't you might do time Send your

Desperate Request for advice To have a word pod at gmail.com This is from anonymous Advice lids I went to the shop at the end of my road The other day And ended up in the queue

For self-service behind my neighbour, in brackets, single mother with the two young kids, who I know to say hello to, but not really much more. She was only buying half a dozen eggs, but her card was declined. She ended up managing to cop her up and buy them. I thought about stepping in, but also didn't want to embarrass her. I tried to hang back on the short walk home, so she didn't see me, but she definitely knew I was behind her in the queue.

I was telling my wife when I got home because I felt bad about it, and she said I should have offered to buy them for her. What do you lads think? Should I have stepped in? And if so, how do I make it up to her? Yes. You should have stepped in. So, what is it?

I don't know. Two quid? Man, I do big shops for people. Do you? Of course do. Yeah. Just get the fucking... Get the gold out.

Yeah. Not literal gold. Can I pay with ingots? I, oh, if anyone's struggling for the... It's a couple of quid. It doesn't, just bosh. It makes you feel like a baller as well. Bash.

As long as you say, Bosch as you tap it. You just do it in a way that isn't embarrassing to them. Like if you go, oh, got no money. Can't afford eggs, can we? I'll box it off. Don't worry, go on. Yeah, don't laugh as you do it.

Pathetic. I have chickens at home. Bash! Last night, I was walking through town. I went to the cinema and I was walking through town. It was like half 11. Is this an anecdote, Finn? Oh, I'm buckling up for this one.

and then I walked past like an off license and a... Sorry, I thought I'd do a drop for you. And a homeless man went, excuse you mate, can you just buy something in here for me? It's two quid.

I was like, yeah, sure. If I don't have cash, I'll buy them like a drink or food or something. So I went, what is it? What do you want? He was like, I've got to show you. So we walked and he went, two number sixes, please.

Scratch cards. I went, scratch cards. And he went, yeah, scratch cards. I was like, what, why? He was like, I need to win some money to get home. I was like, mate, this isn't going to work out the way you think it is. That's class, though? It is.

I admire the bollocks of it. I was like, can I get you a drink and some food? Like, can I do that? And he was like, yeah, I'll get something proper to eat. And then he got some sourpatch kids, a milkshake. Yeah, but I know this sounds mad. It's high calories. Exactly.

I was just like, yeah, get what you want. That's fine. It gets some candy floss and a tango ice blast. But the scratch card thing really made me go. Right. Did you buy the scratch cards? No, I didn't get in the scratch cards. Oh, he's not bad.

Oh, come on. He could have been a millionaire now. He wasn't going to be a millionaire, wasn't he? You have no that? But how do you, how, who splits the money then? Oh, you have to do. Oh, you'll take it off him. Oh, yeah, you do.

If he was a million pounds, then he's better off than I am. Yeah. You have to, yeah. You have to fight. a homeless man for a scratch card that you paid for. How do they pay him if he doesn't have a bank account? How do you know he doesn't have a bank account? They give him one of the big checks.

And he sleeps under it. Oh, Daniel. Too far. Yeah. Too far. I, um, the other night, I, uh, on our man and Alex's big, lovely date day, we ended up, uh, like, the last pint we had was outside. A homeless fellow come over.

And I'd had such a good day that I was like, yeah. Do you know what I mean? like proper homeless like you look dirty and like genuinely like smelt and stuff and I just felt so bad for him and he come over and was like I'm sorry have you got any

you got anything for us and I was like do you know what I think I have and I thought I had a five it in me wallet all I had in my wallet was a 20 pound note so I pulled my wallet out and I was like ah

and at that point it's too late in it because I've already said yeah so I gave him 20 quid and honestly I've never seen anyone look so sort of upset, humbled and happy at the same time. And he was like, oh, you don't understand, lad. Like, this is me sorted now.

And I was like, oh, I wouldn't just do what you need to do. Sorry, actually, have you got £15 change? Can you break it, but he's got a little bum bag? The thing is, he immediately then asked the people next us as well. Oh, I only accept 20s. Adam Rose doing very well. I'm a lid. 10 pound patron.

It's, yeah. I once went, when I did, when I went to after prom in school, we walked. What, what's that? So we had prom and I was like 16. You had afters? And then we had afters,

but then we had, we crashed in other schools afters. So we walked. I'm sorry, you have, you have an after party for the prom? Yeah, no, yeah. It's like, it was like, it was like, it was heavy.

But then after, after. There's 11 of them. But then after that. I have afters at a bus stop. We walked to another school. Oh, like another school is after us, but it took us like three hours. We walked ages.

And I did it all barefoot because, man, I was getting blisters off my shoes. Anyway, we get to this. It's like a farm in the middle of Formby or something. Fucking story. Isn't Harry on. And we get there. We had to pay to get in.

And as we're walking, some lads waited for taxis, and this taxi goes past. And the lads from our school go out, like her out the windows, oh, fuck you. And then they, he's come to a halt about 100 meters down the road.

And this lad Marcus comes out and he's just vomiting everywhere. And he's obviously been kicked out of the taxi. So then we go, we carry on. We go to the, I basically carry him to this party and then they don't let him in at, like, at the front door. So then we spend a couple hours at the party. The sun's coming up.

We start walking back down this road. And Marcus is face down in a field with the walking, like walking app on Google to bootle. And it said like seven hours. walk. So I gave him 20 quid for a taxi. And then when I got back into my bed, he was at Mackie's.

And he spent all my money and slept in Mackeys. I don't know what the moral of that story is. I think when you give your mate 20 quid in the line down in a field, you can't really ask for accountability about how that budget gets spent. I mean, I wouldn't consider him a mate. Oh, right.

He was a nice enough lad. I didn't really speak to him too much. I just thought no one deserves to be faced down in a field. That's not true. A lot of people do. Nazis? Yeah. I don't think he was a national socialist.

There was a homeless guy. This is mad to me. A homeless guy in a wheelchair. You know when they sit next to the cash point? So you have to do a guilt-ridden cash point. Part of me is like, oh, this makes it super awkward. But at the same time, you're like, it's kind of smart as well. isn't it? I suppose you're going to where people are getting cash out.

Well, if I'm confused, because again, he was no messing around. This wasn't fakeies. You know, sometimes with the big issue, you're like, you don't look. This guy was full look, definitely homeless, definitely needed the money. But we were at the motorway services in Weatherby. So I don't... No way. It was very confusing visual as you're like, right, everything about this looks right. But we're, you know, we're just off the M1 so I don't know

how we got there I was really confusing yeah I know I get that yeah I think that should be against the rules that though it's like spawn camping in it being by the ATM what you mean

well they should be a bit of etiquette do I mean like I'll buy you a meal deal I don't think once people are on the streets Harry and they've lost like a lot of their dignity and you know they're often covered in pants covered in pants they're covered in pants

Pants on her head. Come on, I'm eating in prime. I'll get you some more pants. I'm drowning in pants. Once people are sort of past the point of their dignity and really, really struggling, I don't think they're like, do you know what? I can't be putting too much pressure on people to give me some...

Like, they're just, they're desperate, and they have to sit in a place that makes their desperation most. You make a very valid point. By the way, you mentioned lottery tickets before. Oh, hang on. It's getting a smooth. Smooth. Professional.

We've been doing this well. Do you know the Euro millions tomorrow, which by the time this goes out, is either yesterday or three days ago? The Friday Euro millions for Friday the 15th of August. Is? $202 million. Oh, it's worth playing.

I'm entering, and I'm buying Namar. I buy that fellow one as well. Buy that fellow one as well. Yeah. The homeless fella. Me and Jack Finnegan have 10 lucky dips each. It's 202 million. Like the shape.

And you couldn't be asked choosing the numbers. Oh, no, so to be fair, I've got nine lucky dips and one of the set of numbers I pick. Right, right. Jack's got ten lucky dips. This is not smart, but this is how it feels to me. If you pick the numbers, you're more likely to win the euro millions. If you get a lucky dip, that's even luckier.

Like, honestly, I know that sounds stupid, but if you get to go, this seems like a sensible, and these numbers are important to me or they're in the sequence that I like. Like putting a lucky dip on and then winning the euro millions. I know mathematically there's probably no bigger chance, but it feels like that would be more of a fluke.

Could you Google something for me, Harry? Can you Google, or it might be a chat GPT thing? Just ask, can you check whether my lottery numbers have ever been the winning lottery numbers? That's definitely a thing. lottery checker just because I've got my Euro million numbers that I do every single time

right pull them out first one seven seven second ball 11 yep 27 yep any reason for this 31 31's in my yep and 33 yep and me two star numbers are two and nine not going to lie this only has six balls on it right yeah because that's not the Euro millions

you're checking the normal national I'm just checking the normal national lottery. Just check that. I don't know if that one's ever come up. If you did those numbers, um... Well, hang on, what's the sixth number? Two.

No, so the sixth number would actually be... 29. 24. Why do I feel actual suspense? Because it would be bad if he had won the lottery and he didn't put it on. Latre. So if you put it on in 1999,

you would have got four matching numbers. Wow. That's my... Yeah, the most you've ever got... But you'd have been a weird seven-year-old. Four matching numbers, which is like... That's a lot, though, isn't it? That's like...

No. It's probably a couple grand. That's loads. Right. You do loads with a couple grand. Can you? Yeah. Right, next one.

Jess says, hey guys, need some advice relating to separating the art from the artist. I've had two rather large tattoos done by someone when I was in my early 20s. A couple of years after, it came out that my tattoo artist had been arrested for having child porn on his computer. Now it's going to cost a lot to have these covered up. Obviously, no one knows it's him that's done them, but it still feels icky. Opinions on whether, it's a child getting bummed.

It's massive. Opinions on whether I should get these covered up or live with the frankly good artwork. Love the pod. Yes. Would it bother you if you ever done your run to 1KM? It's a nonsense. Dean was a leader file.

If Dean Coglin had child porn on his computer I would feel a little disappointed but it's mainly because I've done, you know, two tours with him rather than the RIP running. No one Band of brothers, mate.

You're in there. Do you remember for Luger, Dean? Stop looking at that muck online. Muck. I think I'd have tried it. The RIP running on my house. I forget I've got it. You never look at your own.

arse cheek. Speak for yourself. It's very rare that I look at my own arch cheek and I, you know, if I'm going to have a Pido's tattoo on my bum, which is not, that's the best place for it.

Do you get your ass out and changing rooms? Do other people see that? You know when you're at the gym? Are you getting your knob out in the changing room and you're at ass? Yeah. So other people see it? Other people see it.

Are you conscious of that though? Like when you're in the change room, your ass house are you like, I've got a pig on your bum? It's not. It was done live on stage very quickly. In front of people who got it, though. Like, old Billy at the gym.

Oh, Billy. He looks at arses. Oh, gay Billy. It doesn't even work out. Got an off-peak membership, just stares at arsoles all day. I'd like it touched up because I'm aware that people are clocking it, and it looks like a meat stamp. You know, when you...

It's not going to look much better, is it? You know, the hanging pigs? Yeah, yeah. This is where I don't. don't know what i'm talking about don't they have like a in a butchers in a butchers they have like a oh that's just from like a brand right yeah it feels like i've just been branded on my buttocks i'd like to get it touched up and i've said it on the podcast before and then some tattoo artists are like oh yeah come to barrow and get it done and i what i want is a chester tattoo artist

to tidy up but i also don't want to go into a tattoo artist because they're all cool and indy and you know and i don't want to be like hi i'm a dickhead and i have rip rumpi on my buttocks i hardly see it but i'd like to get it it up for old gay bill at the gym. So I want a low-called tattoo artist to... North West. To make it nice. You know what I mean? Make it good.

To be fair, it looking weathered is part of the charm of it, though, in it? That's why you have tattoos for ages. But at one point, I laughed and Dean, the needle went... Do you know who did your tattoos? Do you have a tattoo person? Because both of mine could be nonces. I don't know. This was a fella in Southport next to a cat cafe. So there's a high chances.

Yeah. Yeah, this was a Spanish fella in town and then this was a tattoo artist that I actually went to in New York but that was, yeah. That's because my grant had come in and had gone. Like if he'd come out that he was a paedophile, I'd be like, oh no, he's done good artwork.

But if he was like bumming kids as he was doing it, that'd be like, well, maybe. It'd be weird if you got, yeah, the tattoo finished when you're like, that was uncomfortable. If it'd come out afterwards, it was like, when he kept on doing the ink, there was a child under the table.

Now, Adam, obviously you're going to be a tattoo. man real soon. And that's something you said two weeks ago and probably have forgotten about but we haven't. Are you, obviously, you've got to do a little bit of research, you know, like research. Have you got a tattoo artist's mind?

Someone sent me a fellow in Nashville who does really good Cowboys. It's just... An horses. An horses. I want a horse sleeve. Oh no. Oh no.

Why? I'm Michael Morpergo. One horse. Many horse. This is. Not just one horse. It's sort of like several pictures of the same horse. One horse?

Like you had a horse that died. You're on a horse photo shoot on your arm. It's like, it's basically the equine version of the stop clock. Yeah. Oh my God. I miss fucking. I got the time the horse died on my arm.

The time we shot it. No, because it's legs are gone. And then a bit of glue. That's what we turn him into. I just think like, you know. That's a snake. Yeah. A really long winding horse.

Beatles. Yeah, are you getting this done? I like the idea of it. Oh, yeah. I do. Um, you know,

I would go with some sort of Western one to start and then the other one, you know? Eastern. I don't know. Pokemon or something. Yeah, Eastern. Yeah.

I'm very excited. Yeah. I'm, by the way, fully behind you. I'm not coming for that as well. Pedicure. I'll sit right next to you. I get asked this question a lot.

If one of the Gallagher's turned out to be a proper wrong-un, would I still listen to them? I'll put that to you. So is Zach Brian your number one at the minute? Yeah. If he turned out to be a proper wronging, would you still listen to him? So I'm doing a bit about this on stage at the minute.

Because Zach Brian has been sort of outed by a couple of his exes as just a bit of a knob. Yeah. He cheats on people, isn't he? Yeah. and he's like when he's drunk like if there was ever like his like proper accusations of like violence or truly a pot and stuff I think he's a bit of a dick yeah especially after the drink from what if you believe the internet do I mean and there's not really any

denials of it and none of us mates have come out and gone hey yeah he's not like that he's quite clearly a bit of a knob but it's not enough for me to stop that's the bit at the minute is I'm still listening because it's not enough where there's like Michael Jackson and are Kelly, you know, if you fuck a kid up, hit someone, that's it. You're off my spot of Highlist. I know, but Billy Jeans so good, isn't it? Michael Jackson only did spoon in as well, didn't he?

No. We've said it before. He fucked kids in the bump with his cock. Allegedly. Didn't he? A thriller, though. I think it depends as well, because it's like, you can't watch the Bill Cosby show.

I don't. It'd be weird if he started now. Or like... I don't know what all the fuss is about. Like, I stopped watching House of Cards. Yeah. Yeah, when you finished it. No.

Yeah, so did I. He only came out. He was a wrong and after he... No. They killed him off. They killed him off because it came out that he's wronging. Yeah, that's what I mean? I'd already watched it to that point.

I was watching it live. Yeah, but he was good as well. Yeah, but that was the best cancellation ever when you were like, first three series were great, weren't they? Oh, he's a wrong one. Ah, that's fine. He tied it off nicely. But I think if you don't see their face,

you can kind of... Do you know what I mean? So you're watching the Cosby show but you just blur your eyes. Yeah, I can listen to a Cosby audio book. No, you can't. The pudding and the... That's what he says, isn't it?

The pudding. And you can listen to that, go... The pudding and the... This is pangin. Yeah. Oh, I'm gone. I stopped this audio book. You're into a lot of audiobooks these days, yeah?

I just build Cosby ones. Yeah, yeah. I just did he, Bill Cosby? Like, the pudding. That's what he didn't mean. And that girl from that, so Raven was on it. This episode is sponsored by Bill Cosby, audio books. Come on.

They're a great listen. Just don't look on them. I could be anyone talking about pudding. Blear your eyes when you're listening to them. Let's have a break. Break. Break. Hello, everyone.

Now it's time to tell you about my favourite sexy sponsor. It's love, honey, and they really help us feel the love. Very easy to put on a lot. Now, I'm getting into spanking. I don't know about you, Harry. I mean, I was a bit into that. I've got deaf of one here now. These are two spanking paddles that I don't know which one to go for,

but one of these is coming on with me, and we're going to do some damage tonight. This is a kind of fun we're having, in it? Absolutely. We're a sexually liberal podcast. Yeah, we're not just getting naked and kissing on the humps. We're also smacking the lumps. Exactly.

We're pro come. Thanks, Harry. Really nicely put. Gentle. Just like these paddles. No, that's the opposite. Oh, yeah. It's a bit of light BDSM.

I've gone like numb on the side of my face. Oh, no, well, that's a good sign. And do you know what code you can use, Dan? Go on. AFF dash Word 20. And that's for 20% off. 20% off for your scrank and paddles. And they do lubs and they do toys

and they do all this fancy get-up. I don't even know which way this goes up. I've not put this on, right? Just get on love honey and make all the sexy times feel better. Love, honey. Feel the love. Honey.

Honey. I will do it again. We won't cut it out. Feel the love. Honey. Honey. I've never known someone was, like, needy before I met them before. Right.

But you have done that now. Yeah. Do you think you're reading it as needy just simply because I'm communicating to you that I asked you to do something and you didn't do it? What was that? Oh, well, hi. That's a normal intro. What did I not do?

Last time I was in London, you weren't, I was meant to come on the, pod and you just ghosted me. I didn't ghost you. You did. And then, not me, sorry, you ghosted my team. Right. And then I... Your team.

My manager. Your team. Like the Avengers? Yeah. Sorry, Mick Fiore. Yeah. And she's been avenged. She's here.

Yeah. I fought my way back in. Yeah, you just got a message to me directly. Yeah, but then you also all, you ghosted me your message. No, I didn't. I just send you three follow-ups for you to reply. Over the span of like two weeks, by the way, it wasn't like I was triple texting. What, what was, what was...

I wouldn't say that personally. No, I just that. The minute I spoke to Harry, he was like, never communicate with him again. We'll speak about that. Oh, Harry. What did I blank you on? I don't think I blank.

We booked it in and then it's booked in. What more do you want? Okay. Well, you were meant to come on mine. Yeah, but I've been busy. Oh, and I'm, you know, just travelled halfway across the world, you know, doing a pod every day.

I'm not busy at all. Well, that's your fault for starting a podcast on the other side of the world. Why have you done that? I'm interested. Why are you launching a podcast in London when you live in New Zealand? Well, for starters, if I did it in Sydney, I think I'd run out a guess real quick. That's a good point. And also my management who are fronting it are here.

Okay. So you're going to travel back and forward to the UK. How often? I think I'm planning to come at the end of October. So it's what, August now. So two months away. Okay. And then would you be back in December?

And then again February? Possibly, yeah. It does also depend on the OG shooting schedule because there's, four other guys I have to, like, fit in with. But Hamo goes on tour a lot, and the others like to live in Bali randomly, so. Okay. It's a lot, it's, but also, I'm trying to convince them all to move here,

because I'm like, guys, Sydney's tapped out. We need to move. Sydney's shit, guys, get to fucking the UK. Yeah. They're in Bali. Yeah. Australia was a bit underwhelming when I went. Oh, okay.

I'm allowed to say it. Like, it's not where if the distance. It just isn't. Where did you go? I went to Sydney. For how long? About a week. Okay, that's longer than I expected.

I went to Melbourne. Yeah. Yeah. Melbourne's fine. Manchester by the sea. Yeah. Went to Brisbane. All right.

Bit pointless. It's just a lot of guys with no shirts and thongs on kind of just with Southern Cross tattoos. Yeah. And then maybe, you know, a deadly poisonous spider. Maybe. Maybe. Okay. It's more likely.

than it is in, I don't know, Luton. Lute. Such a relevant example for me. Thank you. And then I went to Perth. Okay, well, Perth was a waste of fucking time. Why did you go to Perth?

It's a do comedy. It's my job. It's got music in Perth in there. Yeah. Is there? Yeah. I personally have actually never been to Perth because it's such a waste of time.

How do you know what's? It's so small. It's literally the, it's the smallest city. And there's nothing around it. Like Western Australia, the state is huge. but Perth is this tiny little dot and then there's like, fuck all around. Is it like a five-hour flight from Australia?

Six hours. It's from Australia. From, sorry, from Sydney. Yeah, so it's actually the same distance from where I'm saying. The flight is like six hours and to get from Sydney to Perth and the flight from Sydney to Bali is six and a half. So it's like, why would you bother? Yeah, but like it was, I mean, I liked parts of Australia.

Like I like bits of it. Sydney was my favourite place. It was. And everyone's like, oh, Melbourne's the best. No, it isn't. Melbourne beaches are shit, and that's what Australia is known for. Like, you're not going to Australia to be like, I want to see culture. We're like 150 years old as a country.

We don't have fucking culture. Like, we have multicultural backgrounds. But as a country that's colonized, the white side, there's no culture. If you actually want to learn culture, you'd go to like the indigenous parts. But I don't think you were going to find out about the Aboriginal tribes. Well, actually, he did a gig for them. Yeah. Did you actually?

Yeah. Whereabouts? The Outback. Oh, yeah. Real specific. Nice. That was good. On the black, that was good thinking.

Yeah, it was the Plaza Theatre in the Outback. Yeah. Nice. Corporate. When I was there with my mate Rebecca, who was my promoter out there, we talk about maybe the pod going over and actually going and meeting some of the indigenous

tribes and stuff and doing a patron special but Dan first I've heard about it and it's exciting I've always wanted to see what was it the opera house the plaza the plaza outback the opera house is federal

yeah yeah yeah up yeah up north where do you think the outback is in the middle Right, so Sydney is like one of the more southeastern. Yeah, yeah. Which is where the opera house is. Yeah, no, I know the Sydney Opera House is there.

You're not thinking, we're not talking about the same opera house. Oh, sorry, so sorry, the Indigenous Opera House. The Indigenous Opera House. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I think, yeah, it's, if you want to do like the Indigenous culture, it is very fascinating if we're getting real. But, like, that's really interesting and I think it is a really cultural and historical part. The white part

of the Australian history is shit. Is the set of neighbors. It is that. No, he's not fucking joking. It's that. I would want to see it. I've told you. And they knocked it down now. It's done, isn't it? Shut up. Neighbors is done. Brother. Home and away, you still going, surely.

It is. Yeah. How's that the one that's... My dad used to sing that to me to get me to sleep. Really? You guys like those shows more than we do. Like, Ozies don't really watch those shows. Isn't like Danny Minogue, like, Prime Minister or something? I feel like you all holds those in I regard. Danny, though, not even Kylie.

We couldn't even get Kylie as prime minister. Yeah, that's true. You can have daddy. Yeah, Danny Minogue was one of the judges on X Factor or Australia's Got Talent or something. She was the judge on British X Factor as well. What, she actually? Danny. Yeah.

They couldn't get Kylie. At the time, we were all like, that's weird, but then she was actually quite good. I think it was just to make Cheryl Cole look fit her. She was the reason that Sharon Osborne left. Why? Because Sharon Osborne didn't like her. She thought. she was like a puppy.

A puppy. Yeah, so Sharon left. I don't know why I know with the X-Fact. Yeah, you know a lot about Danny Minogue. It's my mastermind subject. Do you know I've been doing like deep dives on Ozzy Osirn? Like since he died. He's a funny guy.

Well, he's not anymore. No, he was good fun him. And when he had all his faculties and stuff, he was, even when he was losing a lot of them, that was good TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was great. That's when people are, I'm going to be honest, they're funnier sometimes.

like we're watching someone lose their mental faculties as we speak and they're leading a country and it's really funny. You talk about damn? He's leading a country. Say what? Yeah, it's good when the wheels come off a little bit. That was Ozzy Osbourne at the peak of his powers was an actual rock star.

Yeah. Ozzy Osbourne as a middle-aged, clearly coming off heroin dad was... I think what I've done is, and I think I'm guilty of this, whatever I get to know someone has, that's who they are and always have been. so in my head

like to him that's what he was like like in the 80s on stage like I thought it was all that but it's not is it like he was fucking cool and he was young at one point

but in my head he's been like 107 forever when he was eating bats yeah I'm the more you guys talk the more I'm like I don't think I know drag shit about Osse O's born

eating bats that's the moment that's like number one if this was family fortunes and it was name something Ozzy Osbourne's known for it would be eating bats then Sharon then

singing being a ghost wait was he the one he was biting the heads off them yeah I do know about that in his defence he didn't think it was a real bat yeah and he didn't start oh wait he actually did that I thought that was the whole

like I thought that was akin to like the gerbil thing that actually happened the Richard gear thing yeah where he shoved it up his ass right yeah but he did do that That's Richard Gere's first thing, but they say. No, you're joking.

I don't fucking know anything about Richard Gier. That's all I know. Richard Gier. That's all I know. Was he an actor? Is he an actor? Is he so high? Very famous actor.

Oh man, he's in Chicago? What? I watched that the other night. I didn't realize he was the hamster fella. He was the gerbil fella. Yeah, I didn't know. Who is he in Chicago? The lawyer?

The lawyer. Fuck off. That's Richard Gier. I only know his name because of the hipster thing. Yeah. He got a hamster. He put it in a hoover, like a vacuum. cleaner and then he put it on reverse and blew it up his

ass. What? How have you added to that? That is a next level kink. I thought he just jammed a gerbil up. You thought I thought I was like, I'm going to jamble up. To me that, I thought he just jammed up there and I do often think, how has he done this? No, he put the pipe of the Henry Hoover up his ass and then put it on reverse and blew it into his bumo. Yeah, and he ends up in hospital with it apparently. Yeah. It says it's an urban legend, but I don't know. The hamster made a nest. There was loads of them up there.

Yeah, he did do that. Like, I'm, I understand why it could be an urban legend, but that's too specific to be a lie. Like, no, that's got to be true. Like, no one's sitting at home making that up. They've seen him come into an ER with a gerbil up his ass. It's called jabbling. It's like a, I don't know how they came up with that.

I look, oh, it's like, it's like trying to do like a, you know when El Chapo dug out of prison. It's like of the reverse of that. But the gerbils It's a gerbils El Chapo in this scenario It's exactly like that I'm assuming a jerk was dead

By the time it was up his ass No The whole point of it being up his ass Is that it rums around and tickles him That's the part The idea is the jrble Or nibble on his male G spot And make him come

It's meant to make him come Guys we got to make pegging more normalised Because men are doing some stupid shit out here A gerbil is going to nibble On his G spot and make him come I'm not allegedly it's less gay than pagan 100%

yeah how if it's a female gerbil I was gonna say what if it's a male gerbil then that's too far what if the male what if the male hamster comes

oh sorry I'm thinking about hamston that's a whole thing I've stuck a guinea pick up there but that was a long Easter weekend what doesn't it just suffocate in there also is that what you want not to be nitpicky

but on an Easter weekend wouldn't you shove a rabbit up there That's a great point. But they melt. Oh, you mean they're a live one? Yeah, but it was alive. That was the whole point. It's having a little rummage,

a little, you know? By all accounts, it says it's an urban legend and not true, but I don't believe that. Oh, that's what big wiki wants you to think. I like to live in the... Now, Richard Gare's got money.

He's gone on the internet, and he's been like, hey. Well, so if you're looking at... That's how that works. Yeah, yeah. If you're looking at Wikipedia, they can edit themselves. Like, he can...

He doesn't even have to pay. He's got Jable Super injunction. But you would, though, wouldn't you? Yeah. Like Jeremy in. It's not work though, has it? No.

Because like once that's out there, it's fucking out there, isn't it? It's like that, what's his name? Artie Hammer. Is that his name? Oh, the cannibalism thing. Yeah. And he goes on, like, news night now and he's like, hey, I don't eat people. Stop talking about it.

And not much of him to bring this up, mate. Like, he definitely, definitely eats people. Yeah. He's got, like, a podcast now called, like, I don't eat people. And he, like, opens it up. I go, I don't. The rest is cannibalism. Richard Gere, the rest is gerbils.

That sounds like a history podcast. It does. Would you guys eat a person if it was like not illegal? You could just test. Well, I'm a bit of a fussy eater, Abby, but I'll try anything. And that is a Dan versus food that I don't think anyone wants to watch. I think... You said that, like you were pitching me a show.

But I love meat on the grill. So, you know? If it was like a... You can season it how you want. You just want to try it. If it's a playing crash situation, it's life or death. Yeah. Where'd you get the season in?

Oh, yeah, yeah. You're going a different way. I was going by choice. I was like, yeah, like, you're just at a restaurant. They're like, do you want to try some human flesh? But you're going, no, it's survival. Yeah, survival, I would do it. Yeah, that's fair.

No, I'm not eating fucking, you know, stair-fried Benny at the fucking... Not even a little, just to try it. It's fucking weird that you're pushing this. Is it free range? Is it free range, human? I don't want battery human. apparently it tastes like pork again who is saying this

it's pork like apparently according to people who eat people according to people who eat people magazine yeah you're not you're not meant to eat the brain though are you I don't think you're meant to eat people yeah but like the species aren't meant to eat

oh you go insane don't yeah the prions in your head that's what mad cow disease was because in the food in like the feed for the cows they were grinding up cows and that's why all the cars went mad, I think. I don't know.

I think. No, my car disease was foot and mouth on it, I think. What? It's an infection. No, I think that's different, isn't it? Is it? Yeah. It was brain and brain.

Solicesters. No, foot on mouth and my car disease. I think they're just synonyms. And it stopped us going to Colomendi at school. Going to what? Colomendi. It's a... Stay a mind.

It's an advantage. adventure hill in Wales. I genuinely don't know what it is, but I love it when it gets bro. I don't know how schools work in Stryat, but like we're... Sorry, I've been talking for 10 minutes. Have I sounded like that at all? Like, permanently.

But Adam's really good at accents. Clearly. It was a school trip, Columendi. So it's in North Wales, and you would go for like a weekend with school, and you would do archery. you would do football or soccer you would do

I actually call it kicky balls rugby painting you would do crocheting you like canoeing we had one that wasn't Columendi we did like canoeing

and like mountain biking Higel I think we did I think we went to Haland did no and did tobogganing Yes you what the fuck did you just say Haland did no

right it's how the Welsh say it. Yeah, Welsh do the kind of like the Arab kind of thing. Yeah,

then this one does and especially this one who's half Welsh half Arab. I'm half Arab I've got no Welsh

like fuck but I am half Kiwi so that's also fucking kind of the Welsh of the South Arab half Kiwi half Australian.

There's no Aussie in there that's too much halves though oh yeah it's one and half you're Leven

Lebanese aren't you? Say again for me? Levenis I am leaving his business. Sexuality is none of your business. man it was hard coming out as queer and Lebanese it was a confusing time for everyone

but yes but it shouldn't have been a shock to your parents the Lebanese bit mom dad I know so am I so am I oh that's good

have you got one have one lesbian have you got one Lebanese parent or one Kiwi parent, or have you got a boaty parent, halfs as well? Well, yes, otherwise I'd be a quarter. No, that's not necessarily true.

Because if your dad was half Kiwi and half lesbian and your mum was the same, and they had you, then you'd be half and half as well. Yeah. I'm sorry, but if there are two parents that are half Kiwi, half lesbian need. I hate this, because I'm worried, I'm going to start saying this in normal chat.

I'm like, oh no. And half lesbians just buy anyway, isn't it? Yeah, which is me. So I'm like, all of it. It's crazy. Yeah, that'd be a crazy. crazy mix. No, my mom is Lebanese. My dad is a Kiwi. Which is quite funny because

Kiwis are known as like fucking sheep as well as Welsh, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like the stereotype. Stereotype is wrong. It means that they do it. Yeah. They're good aren't they? Is there sheep down there? Is there sheep down? I thought there was like, I didn't think that was a British thing. Yeah, because there's not sheep in America, is

there? There are no sheep in America. Yeah, there's like, there's like sheep here and sheep in France. Right. So you, you really do believe the British thing of like we created everything we create the sheep but if you have sheep then we gave you the sheep actually there's a place in Scotland that did create a sheep yeah exactly I just feel like if if if there's sheep down there then play ball we said yeah we set the sheep down there like how the UK said white people down there yeah and that's something a brag about

you're getting it you are getting it it's a long way to get there I found out that as well that Horses, horses are American. We took the horses, all the horses died out in America, and then we brought them back to America. So they went on like a loan deal. Are you sure about that? Yeah, I think. I'm going to get you fact checked on that one,

because that, I'm pretty sure English people had horses in like the 1500s. So hang on. And they hadn't colonized American. You were saying you're nearly getting it there. Dan? Did we do that with cheap? Did we take them to New Zealand and go have a bit of that?

No, I think you were saying like the colonization is when they brought the sheep as well as the people. Is that what happened? I would guess, yeah. Is that why they were focusing on cloning sheep that there was more to put everywhere else? Because we gave too many. Yeah.

The Australians. One, two men. I think we turned up in New Zealand with all sorts. Like animals that weren't indigenous. Liquorish, all sorts. There's Bertie was there. Little bit of disease.

You know I go. That old colonisation soup. I was right about the horses, by the way. Suck on that. Were you actually? We're just taking his word for it, though. He could just be like...

Yeah, he's on Richard Gear.com. Pathetic. Well, I said, our horses from America, there's just loads of photos of Carboys, so I'm going to take that as I'm right. Right. Can you read? Yeah, it says, yes.

A valid question. Yes, horses originally from North America. They went extinct some time ago, and then we brought them back, well, Europeans brought them back. Okay. Sorry, you were just talking about how you were looking at the pictures, and I was like,

I don't think I've ever heard you read on this show. It's easier to read with pictures in it. Yeah. Well, that's what you get when you hire children. Like the gruffalo. The what? The gruffalo's all photo, isn't it? No, it's a story.

Yeah, but you know the story because the photos are there. No, you read it. To be fair to Harry, there isn't a copy of the gruffalo that doesn't have pictures. No, but you do. You do read the story. Yeah, of course you do, but it's always got pictures. Harry's not looking at the way. He's just going, I think I get what's going on.

Question. Yeah. What the fuck is the gruffalo? A gruffalo? What's a gruffalo? Why, didn't you know? He has terrible tus. God, it's a children's book, isn't it?

Terrible. What did you fucking think it was? The Gruffalo? Well, he said there's a Gravolo with pictures for adults, and I was like, so it was an adult reading book. Richard Gier shoved the Gruffalo with us. Oof. Gruffalo is a mythical animal

crossed between a griffin and a buffalo. Oh, really? Isn't a Griffin already a mythical? And now that it's the famous singer, Lola Young's auntie wrote it. Yeah. Julia Donaldson? Yeah.

And then she got in trouble for it because she was like, speaking for the streets, man. I'm a real artist who's got really and then she's just this NEPO baby. Oh, sorry, I thought Julia Donaldson was speaking with the streets, man. That's why I wrote the Smeds and the Smooze.

Which is, you know, an allegory about racism. I recommend it. Yeah, Lola Young got sort of semi-canceled for being faux working class. Right. That's happening a lot at the moment, isn't it? There's a few people in comedy that have got that coming their way.

Oh, comedy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like who? Names some names. They already don't. don't like me. So what did you have to lose? No, not worth the fight. It's quite funny that like, Vittorio Angelooni,

I don't know whether you know, Vittorio. Vittorio is like sort of seen as working class just because he's got a Belfast accent, but he's actually dead posh. But like, if you ask him about it, he's like, yeah, yeah, follow you middle class, dead posh, but I'm not going to correct anyone

because it's just a bad thing to... It sounds almost arrogant when you go, if someone does call you like working class and then you go, actually, I was raised with some money like it sounds worse like yeah totally that's not that's not a great look is it no me darling

yeah three ski trips a season that by the way wasn't me that was you yeah that was just you didn't do rich weird in this country what how so how's the Aussie rich compared to our rich I feel like Aussie rich is a little bit we don't do it's not as common for it to be old money

it's pretty much all kind of new money it's like at least maybe two gens max whereas here it's old money And it's gross, because it's like, it's all just from, I don't know, incest and families just continuing on the bloodline. Yeah, this is quality. Yes, yes, it is. Keep going over it.

It is stupid. Like, they're so rich. They have no purpose. They don't actually make any rules anymore. They actually have to be, like, centrist with all the, they can't have political beliefs. They have to be like, but they are so fucking rich. And then my guess was saying how it was like, they're just weird. And I was like, of course they're weird.

it's hundreds of years of inbreeding. Like, they're not going to be normal. And then I may or may not have said how the current king killed off his ex-wife so that he could sleep with his affair partner. Oh, that's really taking it to the end of the earlier. You did, though, didn't he? And he's got sausage fingers. Didn't she die in like a tunnel in France?

What? A tunnel in France. Spoire alert. I'm watching the crown, yeah. Is I don't fucked that that that's how people are learning about the monarchy, like newer generations? The crown. Yeah, they like don't know any of this history.

That's Americans, though, in it mainly, I reckon. I don't think they're learning anything. No, true. But I reckon, we kind of grow up knowing what happened. Oh, to be fair, watching the first few seasons of the Crown, you are, like, even at my age, you're learning stuff about, it's quite humanising as well. The Queen was fit. She's so fit.

The real Queen or the one in the show? Both. But back in the day. What's she called? Chris Hoy. Claire Foy. That's it. Chris Hoy.

I knew I knew I had, I had the rhyme in my head. She looks like Chris Hoy. Fit. The quads on the queen. Yeah, we get brought up specifically on British history, but only the good side of it. That's our history lessons at school.

So we learn a lot about the monarchy at school. It's like, Enme Dyev, he had six wives. He blew a few of their heads off, bish, bash, bosh, one's the boy. That's it. Then you learn about Edward as well? Don't you get a bit of shakes? But no, that's not monarchy,

but history-wise. A bit of 1066. Rome, the Roman Empire, got a lot of that. That was 1066 from the Hastings direct insurance have it, really? We get taught about an advert. We don't get told much about the older colonization and the empire. Do you guys not? No.

That's crazy. Also, just going back to Henry the 8th. Yeah. With the 6th, right? Yeah. No, Henry the 6th with the 8 wives. It's a different history. No, I just saw 6th the musical.

And I was like, I didn't know shit about that until I saw the musical. And it was really good. Neither did I. It was really good. The sassy ladies, them. That was, I've never laughed that hard in the musical. Don't love the way you said that. It was kind of weird, but we're going to move on.

Because they are in corset tops. Yeah. So it was the way you said it, I was like. Yeah, at one point they just go to Germany and like fuck around for a bit. That was, yeah, and there was just a rave. It's weird. Was that for one of cleaves? Yeah.

Wife four. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one who didn't get killed, she got divorced. Yeah, yeah. And then she was like, it's good in the musical. She was like, yeah. Oh, no, I get set up in a rich mansion and left alone. And it's like.

And she's doing a little, and she's in like, I told you, like, six. I think I find it annoying. It would be annoying. I have seen you ranting about, like, musicals, and I do have a bone to pick with you about this. Right. Go on. It's just, it's such a, like, oh, I have an opinion. It's like, no, you just want to hate something.

Like, well, you're not hugged enough as a child. Musicals are fun. Do you not enjoy fun? The thing is with musicals. I, not my, not the, not the biggest fan, okay? Not the biggest fan, but I have seen several. Carl, who isn't here today, actively disqual. despises them.

Well, why is he not here? I need to... Because he knew you were coming and he's gone to hide. Right. Well, I'll find him. He's gone to Japan to hide. No, he really... He really...

Put him in and hide. He, uh, I don't mind that's like a musical. They're fine. They're all right. Hamilton with... When you're going with your autistic friends, kind of fun. Yeah, I've seen that also I saw this because I watched one of the recent videos and I was like,

that's a lot. And I love Hamilton. Like, I know that soundtrack back and forwards. That's a lot of times to go. Like we, why so many times? Um, I think when you have, we're not done with you by the way. Okay.

I think when you have ADHD. I like it. You like it. I like it. Yeah. Do it again. Do it again. And we do it again.

And I think it's that. I think it's all to make it. It's like you putting friends on you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but friends is my comfort show and I have ADHD. Yeah. So I've just done with what we've both done with friends. I've also done with Hamilton.

It's weird because I love Hamilton. Like I know, I listen to that soundtrack all day, every day. And I did for years. I've only just started to be like, there are other music out there. But I don't know. I just feel like watching it be, again, it wasn't on in Sydney that much.

Rose, you've got it on in the West End the whole time, right? Yeah, we saw it in Manchester, and apparently we saw the beat team. It was a bad one. We saw a bad one. So it's not getting better. Watching it more and more is not improving the experience. You got to understand me and Finn had raved about Hamilton for like two years, maybe longer three

to both Carl who's not here and Dan going you've just got to see it because it's fucking class and they were like no no no then they did a tour and show to Manchester and we were like yeah let's fucking do it and me and Finn sat together and Carl and Dan sat behind us

and I could feel them hating it through the back of my head also 600 lemmings going a funny part with the guy that's named after the airport not JFK no in New York Lafayette

It's fucking bullshit, mate. Sorry, Lafayette Airport. Isn't it? Wasn't it one of the characters called Lafayette? There is a character called Lafayette. I don't know. Lafayette's airport, though. You mean JFK Airports? No, I know J.FK. You're thinking of LaGuardia?

No, there's Lafayette Airport. Is there? In Louisiana. I don't know how you use. If you know this, it's a very small airport. It's got three runways. You're definitely a lot. He got it wrong.

And then, lucky, is what happened. No, yeah. Guadiola airport is a different airport. completely. The audience in New York, though, so you definitely were thinking of that. But yeah, sure, laugh at it. Anyway, yeah.

I was laughing at the same unfunny jokes. So everyone there, apart from these, had seen it or heard it. So everyone's sort of enjoying it on their own. But me and Finn were watching it almost through his eyes.

And it was a bit, we were a bit like, this is a lot of gayer than I remember in Finn. Yeah. Really? It was very calm. Yeah. after the second song

gay I mean again I haven't seen I've seen the one on Disney Plus which is like the filming of the original cast and then I've seen the one that was the Australian cast

which is apparently like very very well regarded like the cast that they had in Australia was brilliant and so I don't know if it's because I saw that but like I didn't see the one that I saw live in Australia didn't think it was camp

and I'm first to be like that was camping as fuck so the one I'd seen in London and the one I'd seen in New Zealand York, I was like, this is fucking class. The Manchester one, I was like, this is, this is... Was it during pride? No, it wasn't.

I've seen some musicals. What else you're saying? Book of Mormon, though, yeah. Book of Mormon. Right, so the straight men's... Dirty dancing. Went to see that. Teletubbies.

Is that because it came out when you were like 18? So, Schindler's List, the musical. I don't know if you've seen that one. Really good fun. Bit bleak at the end. I've seen a few. It's good. First of all, Book of Mormon is basically like the Ryan Reynolds of musicals.

Dry ice at the end. What? Oh, that's rough. Are we talking about... Too far, brother. I think she's bringing it up at all, isn't it? What would the songs be? Just the names?

I've got a list. An awful list. Let's hope you're on the list. I don't know why we're still on it. If anyone wants us to get us out of this, I'd be really careful. Well, I was saying the Book of Mormon is like the Ryan Reynolds for straight men. You know, it's like that thing that like all straight men. You want to fuck him?

Well, kind of. Yeah. I mean, I don't. Is Ryan Reynolds for gay men normally? No, it's straight men who are like, oh, I'm not gay, but I think Ryan Reynolds is super fucking hot. All straight men, like, he's the one guy. I've never heard anyone say that.

Are you kidding? Is facial features are really close together? I would like to point out, I don't think he's hot. Oh, I think Ryan Reynolds is hot, man. You're on the Rexman train now. You're fully on board. I think he's a beautiful man. I wish he owned my football club.

Does he on a football club? No, it's a euphemism. Oh. That's a stupid euphemism. I know what you mean. And like, I think it's a, it doesn't count. If a, if a guy who's not into musicals go, I went to watch the Book of Mormon, it doesn't count.

No, and it's a great musical. I like the Book of Mormon, but it is, I mean, it's, it's making fun of the thing that we all enjoy making fun of, which is religion. African, okay, yeah. Also, I'm sorry, I spoke too short. No, speak to that. So as a questionless list, any other minority groups you want to hear?

No. we've already done it. I went to a musical the other night. By the way, Les Dennis sends his love. Lovely. Who? I met Les Dennis. Our former Prime Minister.

That was a bit mad. The Adams family. They're turning everything into a musical. I don't know. Who's he in it? He wasn't in it. I just bumped into Les Dennis in the lobby. And you, fengelt.

There's a very long story. Do you know, you were talking about, it's weird that people make stuff up on the internet. I'm, I made a rumor up when I was 18 that Les Dennis is a horse in a human costume. Les Dennis is a famous TV presenter and actor. And then when we started this podcast, we started spreading the rumor on this. And then it ended up in the national news.

And then he did strictly come dancing and had to publicly deny allegations that he is actually a horse in a human costume. Oh, he did it wrong. If that was me and I knew that was happening, I would have gone on strictly dressed as a horse. Like, that's the way you do it. He did end up in Only Fills and Horse as the musical after all this. Oh, watch that. Yeah.

That's crazy, though, that you guys have such... Is that not weird, that you have such a pool that, like, you have such a following that you could spread a rumor that's so dumb, but it gets to the national fucking news. It was in, like, the London Evening Standard on, like, the front page. Like, Les Dennis says nay to rumors that he's a horse.

Like... But there is photos of him eating hay. Yeah, so. Hey, it's pretty good, though. You're laughing on? Front page of the evening standard. The front page of the love of evening standard. It was?

With the lead story. No, right, good. It was like the top, it was the top right corner. The lads on the corner. Breaking news. Let's see goals. Get your evening stand up. But yeah, it was.

It was in the top right corner, the front page. Have you been not seen that? No, how have we not got a copy of that? Yeah, that should be on the, on the wall somewhere. Like, yeah. Have you ever spread a rumor about each other? No. We just do it to each other's faces.

No, but that's what I mean. Just like on the pot of something spread that you like made a joke about because some people don't understand sarcasm. Yeah, but that's what I'm going to call a paedophile? He's a pedo. He's really rich. What else has he got?

Oh, he's, he's... I mean, the rich one, he started. Yeah, he started his own rumor about himself, but he's minted. About the beta, being a pedo. Yeah, yeah. You got a little Willie? Yeah. Again, they're not really.

rumours if it's true. There you go. The nonce thing. If you jam the ruler in, four inches is fine. Has there been any rumours about you? Have we done any like bullshit about you? I don't know.

I don't think so. I'm pretty open. Okay. I don't know. Is there? We can start one now. Yeah, you can make one up. What do you want to make?

Well, I was going to say, let's make something up because I need to get a fucking news story about me. So feel free. About you. Yeah. But we can also make one up about you. What could be, funny. Why do you need to get a new study? Because I can't get

fucking verified on Instagram and I'm about to throw it through a brick wall. I'm pissed off. Is that what you need? Why am I English? You could just pay, can't you? I refuse. I refuse. Yeah, I'm chameleon. I pick up accents. It's really weird and I don't know I'm doing it. Why am I English? What? It's just when I'm angry, apparently, I go scales.

Oh, that suits. Yeah, no, I don't know. I refuse to pay because fuck them and, but I also just, anyway. You want that blue tick? Yeah, but I want to. You need three news articles to validate the application. Yeah. Right. Do you know this very well?

Yeah, I do, yeah. You've done it? So I think you need three, I think that's what they look for. All right. But we'll also do a rumor for you because you're not good enough scot-free. All right. I don't know any rumors. I can't think of any.

One, my mate said was that, like, I should just make a rumor that, like, I have a secret twin that I hide from the world or some shit like that, like those kind of things. I'd rather not have a rumor that I shove something up my ass if we can help it. Okay. That's a shame, though, isn't it? That's a shame. Yeah. I had a girl in prime school

start a rumor that me and her were cousins and I didn't like it, but she kept on spreading. Were you dating her? What's the rumor? We were neighbours, but she was just like, yeah,

we're cousins, and it's spread round. So do something like that. That could get in the news. Oh, that is for news. Newsworthy, I have a cousin. By the way, if we're spreading a rumor, you can't start it with

let's start a rumor because then people go, oh, that's just a rumor that they've made up. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's like Carl's hemorrhoids. Like if we just shut down to that by going, oh, that's a rumor.

People who think it's a rumor, they wouldn't think he's actually got huge hemorrhoids. Have you guys had hemorrhoids? Have you all heard about it from Carl? Because apparently most men do get hemorrhoids more commonly than women. I don't know what it is. Is that when your ass starts exploding out of your bummer? It's sort of like... That is a different thing.

That is, what's it called? It's like a... Gaping. Prolapse. Thank you. Prolapse. I cannot believe I just thanked you for someone. I worked hospitality for seven years.

You can't ring a bell without me wanting to jump up and take a place. I honestly thought you're going to say something about your asshole then. I was like, I worked hospitality for seven years. I have a gaping asshole. I don't know how you serve food, but in Australia, it's a little different. It's the Richard Gere special. It's a big dish. I think a hemorrhoid is like a little bump that does come from outside your asshole

and just it comes to live on the outside for a bit and you have to just pop. No, I think that's a pro. like stainers. Oh, then that's what I've got then. What's a hernia? I genuinely don't know. That is where a muscle is like really torn like an half and it sort of steps out. And a thing comes through it?

Yeah, yeah. It's great learning, isn't it? From each other who also don't know. That is the whole podcast. I know so much more from doing this podcast and most of it's not right. And I know there's a lot of people listening feel exactly the same. I mean, look, at least you're teaching. You guys are, you know, teaching the younger generation.

Look at them. Bringing them on. Like, gang. Is that us? Yeah? I don't know how old you guys are. How old are you? You're throwing out like...

I really am acting like I'm old. I'm 27. I'm not old. You're my age. You young kid. You look like a baby. Although... I'll tell you that.

Look our baby. I'll take that. Oh my God. Baby voice don't. It's fucking gross. Is that a bad thing though if he's got a baby, baby face? Have you got like... Do you like an older person?

The way you gender corrected, that was great. I really nearly did the thing. You can also say whatever, because I do, I was going to say, sleep with whatever, but that's got me in some trouble. Oh, fuck, edit that. Have you got an age range? There's your headline.

You think that I had to go live on a fucking Instagram video, and I did a live where I said, Bonnie Blue did rookie numbers. I'm here to top that. That didn't get a fucking news article. Yeah, but like, maybe the Daily Mail went watching. Maybe you've got to send them. They're waiting until I do it, and then they're like, all right, now it's on.

Do I have an age range? Hmm. Well, I'd like them to be legal, unlike you. I'd like them to be. That's not a deal breaker. You're 14, but oh, usually. The fact that I said that right, I'm just saying the Bonnie Blue thing is even worse. Yeah, no, legal is a requirement, is a must.

I thought my manager was getting out of that. I was like, Abby, no. Yeah, legal is a must. It's a must. Just stop saying it. This is Richard Gere and the fucking gerbil. I don't eat people. I don't fuck 14 year olds.

I think like, I think like 40 is the top I'd go. Oh, that's disappointed. So, Dan, how's your wife and children going? Well, then. How are they going? They're really going good. Thanks for asking. Thanks for making this hypothetical, not fun anymore.

That's what I'm good at. They're really good. Okay, good. Yeah, 40. What is your age range, Finn? You're 27. What's your... Because you're...

No, you know, go lower as well. Both ways. I'd say like if I was setting it on hinge or Tinder or something, I'd do like, I don't know, 22 to 31. So what I'll tell you right now is as old as you'd go. People always add two to both of them. So I would say is probably 20 to 33. I actually don't, I don't know.

I'm not on it right now. But I reckon that's probably what it was. Why, you want to it? Have you been on it as shit? Yeah, that. There's no. No. Just having a nice time on my own.

He does not like talking about his love life. I'm fine. Just an open book. No rumours about me. Does he have a secret little thing going on? He does, but he's not, he doesn't want to talk about it. And I've got to sort of respect that.

And also last time he just started lying. Yeah. What do you mean? What did you say? He's just like making up a girl he was seeing. And then that got back to the girl I was seeing. And then she was like, you're seeing someone else.

I was like, no, no, no. Did you break us? I had to explain it. It sounded like I was gaslighting her. But I was like, I'd not seen anyone else. I was lying on the podcast. She was like, what? That was, you know.

What was your range B. Harry? Like if Ellie died in like a blimp accident or something? These blimps killed so many people. So I, because I, like, got off with a girl at a nightclub. Flex? Hell yeah. when I was like single and when I spoke to

she was only a couple years younger but she went to my old secondary school and we had like different teachers so she was like a whole teacher generation after me wait how old are you so I'm 24

when was this year and a half two years ago and she was at how many years younger than you I was just about to turn 23 good maybe yeah and she was 19 20 she's 20 yeah

but I I didn't know that in the club. No, that's fine. I was too busy in the club. My max age range is born in 1920. Like a mature lady. And then like up a limit, yeah, I think if you start slapping a four on it, I think that's bang out of all.

Oh, mine is changed. I'm happily married, but if I was out there now. Yeah, what would your age range be? I don't know your wife's name, but if she died in a blimp accident as well, they were all on a blimp together. It was a weird trip. It's the wax trip out. 60.

Yeah? Yeah. And how about younger? Hell. 12? No. What's legal? Half your age plus seven.

That's not awesome. Yeah, but you don't have to do. That's just answering to think of one and stuff. Don't do math. Yeah. You don't want it to be creepy. I actually don't know. 23.

Yeah, we don't want it to be creepy. No, you don't want it to be creepy. I can do granddaughter, mother and grandma. I'm kind of impressive. Yeah. In a weird. weird way. I'm like, that's kind of something that I've got so much love to give, but I am so happily mad. There's someone who doesn't like musicals, by the way. You've sung like five times

on this fucking podcast already. It likes music. Yeah, but it's like that's what musicals is. It's like singing during a like conversation. Yeah, I like singing during podcasts, but I just think that you would, anyway, sorry, we're moving on. Okay, I do kind of like the, now you've changed my mind. I'm like, it would be funny to hit like a whole general, like multiple generations of a family. Just like, I like tick and things. You know what? I'm going to stop. No, don't stop.

You like ticking things off. I did one thing, which was like, I had a time where I was like, oh, it's funny when you have like bucket list things and I was like, I called it like a bucket list,

which is already a thing. Yeah. And one of the things, it just happened. The first one happened by accident. I was like, well, I've started and now it's kind of funny

if I continue it, which was branches of military service. Okay. So I did Army. I think I slept with Navy and then I did Army. And then I was like, Air Force is really hard to find,

right? There's not that many. So Army guys hit me up with an Air Force person. Just look up. Not at the same time. That'd be crazy. Who was the best? Ooh.

Military police. Yeah. I think that's a good question. Who do you think? I think it was Army, which is annoying, because I wouldn't want it to be armed. Why is it matter what he thinks? He wasn't there.

What do you guys think would be doing? I'm actually disappointed in you are, I thought, better of you. Navy was the nicest. Army was the best. I reckon Navy would be best. They're all stuck in like a submarine, aren't they? No, that's the Navy. Yeah, exactly this Navy would be the best, aren't they?

I thought you said Army then. And also, they're not all stuck in a submarine. The whole Navy isn't in submarines. They're all underwater. We need to speak to the Navy because they're miles underneath the water. They're on the top of the water as well. You could do like Army cadets. Well, no, I was trying.

Territorial Army. I was trying because I was like, you know what? I'm not going to go like further branches. I've hit the main three. Let's move on. So next step I was going to try and do all the emergency services. I'm going to be bad when you get into the air. Why did you go to terrorists?

All the other types of army, Hezbollah. I just conquer Al-Qaeda. I thought about Hezbollah, but I was like, that might be my family, so that'd be a bit weird. Should we have a break? Yes, boy. Hello, friends. Now it's time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor. it's Nord, VPN.

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when you're in Madagascar. Yeah. Yeah. But now I'm just very aware of like my data being, it's all malware. That's a worry for me at my age. Yeah, you're clicking on all sorts of links. You don't want to know Trojan horse viruses, do you?

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It is! It is! And if you go to NordvPN.com slash have a word, you can get the deal. NordVPN! I can't live without it. ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's the show that we recommend. I'm Jesse Kirkshank, and on my podcast, Phone a Friend.

I break down the biggest stories in pop culture, but when I have questions, I get to phone a friend. I phone my old friend, Dan Levy. You will not die hosting the Hills after show. I get thirsty for the hot wiggle. I didn't even know a thirsty man until there was all these headlines. And I get schooled by a tween. Facebook is like a no.

That's what my grandma's on. Thank God. Phone a friend with Jesse Crookshank is not available on Facebook. It's out now wherever you get your podcasts. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcast everywhere. Acast.com. And we are back with Section 4 of 4. We've got a jingle for this, haven't we?

But I... What we're doing? I totally forgot. We're going to do executive orders. This ain't just any order. This is an executive order. That's fun for us. Yeah, I was like, I'm going to be able to hear it.

Such a fun one. If you were Presidente of all the world, what orders would you push through with your executive power? And I can only choose one. No, I mean, we've got a few that listeners have sent in, and you can shoot out as many as you want. Okay. I think, I have a lot,

but one I think is that we need a conscription for hospitality service. And I think every single individual needs to work at minimum six months' hospitality in their life. Just to stop them being a cunt. Sorry, I don't know if you can say that on here. Oh, we can. You can say anything on here, anything.

Um, are you, here's my question, right? Once you've done your service, which I have many years in hospitality, many moons, can I then call out shit hospitality service? Oh, okay, interesting. Because I think, here's my sort of interpretation of this, right? Years ago, the attitude used to be the customer was always right. And that's had a complete reverse on it. recently and it's now hey those people are not on massive wages they're doing a job

stopping a cunt of them which i understand there's the right direction to move things in but some people are shit at their jobs and shouldn't you be allowed to be like hey can you not be dead shit at your job because you're being shit at your job what level do you want to call them out though do you want to be like your fucking shit that's actually another one of my executive orders, but that's near the here nor there. But do you want it to be like, you're like, hey, you've forgotten my food or hey, you've forgotten my drink? Or do you want to be like, you fucking suck at this?

Okay, so there's a restaurant and I've put that I really like, I go there quite often. And the other nights, I went with me misses and I, we got starters, mains. And before the starters come, I got a can of I Coke. And I finished there before the start of the. even arrived. I was just thirsty. So before the starter had even arrived, I asked our waitress. I was like, hi, could I just get another die coke? And she was like, yeah, no problem. The starters then came, and I got all of the starters without the die of coke being there. And I was like, she's forgot. So as she come over to take away our starters, I went, oh, by the way, could

I get that second kind of Diet Coke? She was like, so sorry, I get that die Coke. I thought, no worries. I finished my main, and then she brought over the Diet Coke. I had ordered before the start of it arrived. Should I not be able to go, hey, I don't want that anymore? Do you think you've lost touch with normal people? Do you don't think that's a really polite, reasonable thing? Oh, here's Adam, bro.

Oh, two diet coach. No, I get one. what you're saying. It is just like, I thought that was story was going to be so much worse than my diet Coke. I had to remind her once and then it came a bit later than I wanted it. I thought it was going to be like, there was a hair in my food. I said, hey, then this ain't my hair. And then she was like, just eat it. But that wouldn't be her being bad at her job. I mean, if she was like, just eat your food and don't complain. I, no, that's rude service. That's not being bad at your job. But, like, also being bad at your job is kind of a scale,

isn't it? Like, how busy was the restaurant? Mild? Like, it wasn't, it was Tuesday night. I get you. I don't, I feel like for me, I would never bother. I just, I'm not that far out of it. By the way, I didn't kick off. I went, okay, thank you. Nice on. And I was just like, that is absolutely insane. But there's a difference between complaining and then being a shitbag to members of staff. Well, that's what I'm wondering. I'm like, if you're just like, hey, like, I appreciate you bringing it. We are about to leave. Like, I don't really want it. I've had customers do that in a polite way where I'm like, you know what, I do get that.

Like, that took way longer. You don't want it anymore. I'll scrap that from the bill or something like that. I don't think you're very good at hospitality work. I think you're on her side because you were shit at it as well. She's taking that really badly. For the audio listeners, that's not gone down well. Yeah, no, I'm not okay with that commentary.

It just feels like you're really identifying with this waitress that I've completely made up. Oh, yeah, completely made up. Here's an example. I don't think if you've ever worked a bar, a busy bar on a Saturday night, which I have, you will ever go to a bar and click your fingers for service.

Yeah, so that's more what I'm talking about. Because clicking your fingers, even if you've worked in a bar, never worked in a bar, is never okay for pretty much anything. I'm telling you, if you've worked the bar, you will never do it because you've been on the other side going,

you can't. The only time that's ever acceptable is if you're like the lead guy in a barbershop quartet. Obviously, and if you all go in. Yeah, yeah. Or a threaten and musical gang. Never seen it.

No, okay, I would like to backtrack because I think what you've said and what you did, like, well, you didn't kick off. But like, I think you, you having worked in hospitality made you not, like, it made you think twice about kicking off, right? It made you think about, like, not immediately being like, hey, I did, like, where's my fucking diet? If anything, if I'm totally honest, yeah,

the fact I've worked in hospitality, I would never kick off anywhere. I just can't be honest with being the guy who's done that. working in hospitality makes me more annoyed because I know that when someone orders a drink how easy it is to go and get the drink

like this person's not a saint or an angel by the way there are a waitress who didn't especially a can if it's like a cock sale it's so simple a can of coat from the person I think a lot of people who work

in sectors like that now hide behind there are no one's going to kick off on me. Yeah, okay, there is a level of that. There is a level of people, and this is what I mean when I'm like, it's weird because I want everyone to work in it, but I also, the reason I want everyone to work in it is to experience those terrible cunts so that you know how bad human beings can be.

But then I'm like, but then once my conscription, like, if everyone did work in it, the hope would be that there wouldn't be any more terrible cunts. Abby, and is there an age range on your conscription or those like, the pensioners who've never worked bars have to get a job in a bar. Oh, the service is going to get pretty bad, isn't it? Have you ever been, have you ever served an old lady or an old man? They're the fucking, I really have gone weird accent now. Huh?

I said define, served. I was implying I fucked an old woman. Oh, thank you. I couldn't get that. What, does shit people still get conscripted? Because I worked behind the bar at Sheffield Wednesday and I just, I didn't realize that if you didn't pull it, pull the pump down far enough, then it just did. it just did foam so i was just serving foam to people and i'd get used to a foamy pint with

abby's conscription yeah but that's not on you that's on your manager or whoever's meant to train you if i saw one fucking bartender do that i'd be like step away from the bar we're going to go into an empty one and you're going to learn how to fucking pour a bit like you wouldn't well i got shout to that but like if i if i did they show you no but if people had to put up for six months with me doing that i'd be few if i was going to bars and there was just loads of shit cunts like me behind the bar but it's all about fucking learning like I think we're really getting bogged down in this whole like oh yeah but I'm bad at it it's like then learn how he has really low self-esteem though yeah and also I

have poor hand-eye coordination as well I think like I and that makes you not be good at pouring a beer yeah yeah yeah two things you need for pouring a beer is your hands on your eyes pouring a beer are you pegging the fucking pint at someone people second pegging reference and people do not call it pegging when you're throwing something. Oh. I thought you meant I was getting bummed and pulling a pint. No. So when you throw something really hard at someone, you're like, you're pegging at their head.

Oh. Love it. Love it. Yeah, but like, because people pull like no look pints, like Ronaldino. But like I can't do that. I'd have to make sure I'm looking and stuff. Looking at your work? Yeah.

But like I can't be old. Like there was, you know, I've been to bars where they like flip Guinness glasses around. I can't do that. I think still think you're going to do better than your grandma who's working the ship with you. Yeah, exactly. I wouldn't let her pour me a drink I just She's the wireless phone charges you hire

Oh god Poor grandma Harry's nans battery powers Yeah my nans battery powered She's got a battery We have to charge her up And I love her to bits Well this has become a thing

Because no one believe me No I'm sorry I went so much further than whatever You guys are insinuating I thought you were referring to your nan being a dildo or vibrator No no No I'm sorry did I take it too for that

You're acting like, that's the globe. I'm like, nap. She's a robot. She's a robot Nana, but not for pleasure. Yeah, no, we just have... No, she's got a battery in her heart, and if it runs out of power, she dies. No, she doesn't die.

She powers down. Because it's not for... It's in her chest, but it's connected to her brain, and it just needs to have charged so she, like, sits up straight, and if not, if she powers down. Is there a carbon monoxide leak in this room? I'm out of my!

That is quality. Sometimes it runs out of charge and then she has to be like restarted, like rebooted. And she's still going to be better on the bar at Wetherspoons than most of the staff. Well, we went to Turkey

and me, I mean, I'm like, it died at one point. I hadn't been charged up. And my mom pressed like a reset button and she shot up. Like, you know, Frankenstein's monster, like, got made. She could do the,

she could do the Guinness Nitro Sage on her own. Yeah. Yeah, like she's not. She's not allowed near magnets. Look, it's a chop. And the worst thing is, we're going to Turkey next month and just so happens

that they're on the same flight as us. All right, I'm going to charge my phone on this. So these brutal cunts are going to meet my poor wheelchair-bound Nana. Does your Nana have Wi-Fi? Can we connect to the internet in the sky? You cannot spot off her, I think.

She's got a dongle. He's got don't dongle. Please don't dongle my man. And you're concerned how they don't believe you. This is the most unbelievable story I've ever heard in my life. I love her to, but she's real. The bit about you loving her wasn't the unbelievable thing. Yeah, I don't doubt that.

It's that she's battery powered and she'll just shut down. Yeah. I can't believe she's got travel insurance. Why would I make this up? She's my nan. And that's the new name of the podcast. Anyway, hospitality, conscription. I like it.

I just think people need. to stop being fucking cunts. They absolutely do. And that's coming from someone who's worked to hospital for six years. I have been screamed at by so many drunk assholes. I have been told the most egregious

things, both to my face and behind my back, by customers, all for saying, hey, I can't serve you a beer. And it's just like, I just think, I witness people out at restaurants and stuff, and they're just so horrible to people that aren't bad at their jobs. And I'm like, if you're being horrible to someone

who's, like, clearly quite new to it, but is trying their fucking best, is like writing down your order, whatever. And I'm like, you're just a horrible person, work behind a bar. Because you know what? I think they would all be knocked down a peg. Oh, yeah, totally. By the way, absolutely brilliant executive order.

Fully on board, yeah. No, I like the pushback. It's good. Yeah, no. You're definitely not getting beheaded later. It's fine. But also, here's the other thing. There is nothing that infuriates me more than a waiter or waitress or wait them.

Who doesn't write down. down the order has the confidence of like, I'll remember it and then forget something. Yeah, no, that is infuriating. You should be allowed to shoot them there and then, dead, in the head, bang, gone. Like, when you're like, oh, sorry, we ordered the garlic bread as well on there, like, I don't think you did. Like, how is the thing? I fucking did, didn't I? I think you should at least be able to stab them in the eye with one of those little pencils that they're supposed to write the orders down with.

Just a little bit of, like, justice. Just, like, even if you are, like, a really confident waitress, wait then. Just pretend. Have a little sketchbook with you. And draw a fucking smiling face with a big cock or something. Just so I think you're writing it down. You didn't order a garlic bread and cheese. You ordered a massive cock.

Can we do one from the listers? Go for him. Go for him. The first photo on any dating profile must be a passport-style headshot photo. No filters, no group. photos where you're guessing who the person is just deadpan mugshot before we go on to the photos of you

minging, of your minging dog and fit friends. So he just wants a standard He just wants the standard this is my, like an actor's headshot rather than the misleading like, I'm parasailing. The first picture... I don't think anyone's going

oh yeah, they're so hot when they're parasailing. I'm on a bungee. The first picture should be just you. I'll give him that. No, he's right on that front. And also, people who put group photos in and they're the worst one

in the picture. I was way too excited about that. It's just, it's not helpful to you. No. It's, because, like, you go, ooh, there's four ladies there and three of them, I fancy. That one, not so much.

And then you click the next one, it's that one. You're just annoyed. There's no chance. Keynes, Skulls, gigs. You don't want the Nicki book. No, no. I think you've got to be smiling as well

because people smiles they light up the room, don't they fit? They can be fit when their mouth's closed and then when they smile. So many men have said that to me. You wouldn't believe. No, but I think like people, some people smile like Chandler as well

and you're like, nah, not for me. Yeah, yeah. No, you're right. I do think the amount of times that I'm like, also can I just say when it's a group photo and it's always the least attention. attractive friend who has a group photo up. It always is.

So then you see it and you go, yeah, you're definitely, I just know now. I see it and I go, you're going to be the least attractive one. And you're like, I don't know what they're hoping they're. Like, I'll go on a date with you so I can meet your friends. Like, what are we, what's the plan? Are they showing you that they're going to be nice because, like, they hang around with the fit guys.

Does that, is that a similar, it's not the other way around. He's the nice one. Isn't it the fit people hang, if fit people hang around with ugly people there, then sound. I thought it was that way around. Yeah, if anything, they're just going to be. a bitter, jealous, asshole. Yeah.

I thought he'd be less likely to cheat because all his friends have got laid forever and he's just, you know, taking what he can get. Yeah. Taking what he can get. But is that what you want to be?

What he can get? You don't want to be a Steve Bishemi. Yeah. You want a hero. Now, if you had a dating profile pick with Steve Bishemi, that's great because they're like, wow, that's interesting

and also you're the fit. Yeah. When I was on the apps, there was a girl that I matched with and her photo was with Margo Robbie. that's stupid why the fuck would you do that no i think that's like oh hey here's what i could be but i'm definitely not this absolutely ideal woman

no because say if her name was like you know rosam like i know oh that's not marga rubby so i can tell which ones that which whereas if she's you know if it's in a group photo with her mates that i don't know then i'm gonna get that but it also just feels like you're going here it's like spoon feeding them to compare you and be like well yeah it makes you look ugly and the and the group photo one, the guy who does that

or the gay who does that, you might have liked them if you've seen them on their own. Their comparison is the thief of joy, as me dear old nan used to say. Also on dating profiles, but in general as well, if you're not that attractive, that's okay, you've got to be fucking funny. The amount

of ugly dudes out here who don't have a sense of humour, you got to pick something. In the way they write the profile or with the back and forth. All of it. Profiles, it's like, you I've noticed more and more ugly guys writing profiles like they're a hot guy where it's like oh talk to me about sports and it's like oh my favorite things are gym sleep routine repeat or whatever fucking stupid men say but it's like

you're not hot enough to pull this off yeah i'm hearing this as i'm saying it and it doesn't sound good um he's funny you mean to repeat they still say that shit they still the whole like gym routine walk i think you've got to have the body to pull that pull the bio like that off though. Yeah. And mine was always like, what's your favorite crisps? There's a really nice girlfriend.

She likes crisps. Yeah, she was like beef and onion. Did you meet your girlfriend on Hinge? Bumble. She popped up first. I'm not desperate. That's because they have to. Yeah, exactly.

Because you had a multi-pack. Yeah, just posing with like singles. She's banging to it. Dating apps are the fucking, you want to talk about the thief of joy. Dating apps are their thief of fucking joy. You know, much luck i hate them i download them i get likes and i go i don't want to be here and then i delete it

i don't even reply to them i don't match people i don't know why i'm on there it's a fun little ego boost game yeah but then when it's not going well it's like oh i shouldn't have done this like it'll bring you back down and i don't think i've said with anyone on a dating up in years i think i've like genuinely just met people naturally which is crazy how are you meeting people naturally i don't know i like meet she chases them in the wild uh no i don't know meet them out out at clubs or like mutual friends. I used to work hospitality only like six months ago, eight months ago, met a lot of people through that,

although it was people that worked for me, so that wasn't the best idea. You've got another executive order. Sarah says, executive order. If one of your friends gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend that they want to bring into the friendship group, they must present their case like a lawyer to a jury for the friendship group to vote them in or not.

Nice. Powerpoint. I'm here for this. Pros and cons. Agreed. Just because you want to fuck him doesn't mean we want to go camping with him. Yeah. Or talk to him. You might have that was a valid excuse. I love that because it's so true, but also I'll bring it even further back. I don't want to talk to him.

Just because you enjoy rooting him doesn't mean I need to have a conversation with this stupid. Rooting. I like it. They make the friend worse as well. Yeah. as a package deal it's blows worse depending

some some of that sound like the best partners just allow the person to be even more themselves yeah like I think the the group of girls we've got

associated with all of us associated with like all of our partners now are class yeah well you're gonna sit here and go out some of them but like

what I mean is if Finn started seeing someone now it would really let the team down yeah Like, like, yeah, like they might just be banished. So he's not allowed to see anyone? Oh, it's so nice when you meet one of your good mates and they're going, I've met someone and you hear about it

and you hear about it for a few weeks. You know, oh, it's exciting and you hear little things and then you meet them and you're like, they're not a twat. Well done. You know, I don't need to think they're the best person ever. Just as long as they're not a twat. And as long as they're not going to drag you down and social time down. Great.

I'm at the point in mind this is I feel like if, if me and ever, broke up, I'd have to leave the podcast. Because she's pretty great. Yeah. She's not replace Adam Great, but she's, like every other since, yeah. Well, how long are you guys been together, though? Yeah, yeah, ish.

That's it? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. We've been friends for a while, though, as well. Okay. Yeah. So, like, so you brought her in,

so you guys all knew each other already? Sort of, yeah. Oh, because she was a friend before. Yeah. So if he did, like try to date someone would you guys be like no you need to sit us down you need to tell us like would you want approval over who he brought in before he like made it serious oh we've never not anymore but after some history am i'm just trying to word how we're saying that well done

fin remember the lawyer how long's the appeal period on this like if you've got if your like mate brings in a shit partner and they go no you're not in the group how long before they go no i've changed i'm into like fishing now i buy also how long before you're allowed to to make that judgment because you can't just over one people get nervous meeting their new partner's friends maybe they have a bad turnout the first time that's harsh if the whole group would be like you're done but then again i suppose by this metric you're doing all of that before you even meet them what if they do like like a britain's got talent audition like they've got to bring something to the group so they do like a skill yeah like the diablo or something

what is the diablo the circus thing like chuck it in there if we made early do that What was she have done? No, we're not going to force. Ellie can sing, to be fair. Ellie can sing. And she can probably do the Diablo. The fact that you guys are hard pressed to find talents of your missus is really concerning.

Tell me the number one talent of your most recent ex-boyfriend. I've never dated a man. What? The silence in that room. Have you dated women? Yeah. Okay, so tell me the talent of your most recent ex-girlfriend. No, not that one.

No, that one. No, whatever you guys were thinking, mine was going to be darker and not as funny. Oh. Could she do like the yo-yo and that? I can't believe you guys are struggling to tell us the talents of your girlfriend. What I was going to say was her best talent was probably being an abusive cunt. So she was really good at it though. You ruined that, Abby.

We were having funny. No, but I will say there is a level where you go. That's actually kind of impressive. Like the manipulation. I'm like, that's, I think she could win. She was really good at gaslighting. Really good. She was the goat of being a gun.

Yeah, she was like, that's what I'm saying. I'm like, it was a giant. You do sit back and go, that's actually. I'm leaving for my mental health, but it has been a pleasure watching you work. A masterclass. But like, what's an actual talent? It doesn't have to be that one. Yeah, it's not going to be that one.

The other one, oh shit. Okay, now I sound, I see what you say. See, it's hard on it. But these are my exes. Yeah. Like, these are your car. Okay, well, think back to when you were with them. and then answer the question

could any of them do like origami or something something like niche skill video games I don't know not niche but yeah but unless they're a world champion that means jack shit

was she a world champion singer oh she can run like dead far when I'm chasing her no she can run really far though far? Yeah half marathon

yeah she did her half marathon and she's good at it do I mean I like that you're defending her of me. I believe this woman is amazing. My girl and her Diablo abilities and how far she's going to stand to attention. Yeah,

she does laps of parks and that. She's dead good at it. She sounds amazing. Well, she's been welcomed in. I'm saying, what would okay, what would a future partner have to be for you guys to be like, all right, they sound? Just sound. Yeah. Or like someone that you're like, because you're saying your misses, she's like. She makes a belt

of a cocktail. Really? Mm. Okay. A mixologist. My point of view, she makes him calm and happy. rather than the opposite. That's why I think she's terrific. Oh, that's funny. Does law have any skills? Yes.

Glad we're here. That's not quite a lot of time. You're in the corner of thinking of them. Many things. Many. Oh, you want them now. If she was going on Britain's got talent, what would she do? She can play the oboe to a grade seven level.

She can split near fluent Cantonese. and sucks a mean dick and sometimes all at the same time and that's really, that's when Christmas morning really kicks off and she can do none of those things by the way. She can't suck a mean dick.

Well, she won't. It's fun because that was going to be my talent. It'll be more annoying if she could and she was just like, no, I'm out of the game. She's retired. I've got my boots. Should we call it apart, ladies and Jen?

Yeah. It's been a pleasure. What's your new podcast called? My new podcast. My new podcast is called Don't Get Me Started. And it's all about ranting and raging and just everything that you want to, you know, rant about those stupid little fucking trivial things. And it launches on the 28th of August GMT.

That's your time zone, right? Sure. English time. what time no you just said the date you said GMT date GMT isn't a time is just a tight

you can't think it launches at GMT no because it launches on because it's a oh no way yeah no 28th GMT because it's like 28th of August would be the 29th of August I know you mean so midnight on the 28 you're confusing things there

but it doesn't launch at midnight okay my new podcast is called Don't get me started it launches on the 28th of August at 5pm GMT just to avoid any confusion just listen on the 20th Why don't we get any views on the first day? Just ways a day and you get it then. Thanks for coming, Abby.

That was great fun. Good luck with the new part. Have we got a tune to players out for the audio? We do. We've got a band called The Publix and this is their tune. Take me back to the 80s. They're from Mansfield. And if you like music, me, Finn and Harry are doing the last ever karaoke party on Friday the 6th.

Saturday, the 6th. Saturday, the 6th. of September GMT. Ticket, Luke, below and on done lateeville.com. See ya. Bye, Belize. As nostalgia took control

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