Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #344 with Eshaan Akbar - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: August 31, 2025

Tickets for the ARENA SHOW, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comDan & Finn's Final Karaoke Party: https://www.skiddle.com/e/40966945Finn's Manchester Tickets: https://www.skiddle.com/e/41320166Listen to Finn's music: https://bio.to/FinnlayKAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Saily | https://saily.com/Download SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Have a Word podcast. I'm here with my good friend and business partner Carl. And my God, we've achieved a lot on this podcast in the last five and a half years. Oh, it doesn't get any bigger than this. We are back with a podcast live show at the arena in Liverpool. On Saturday, the 20th of December, it's going to be a podcast extravaganza. Stand up in the first half, booze in the break. And then we have a podcast live show.

We have essentially a party. If you were there three years ago, you know how good it gets. It's just a celebration of everything. Have a word. Are you excited about this car? I'm so excited because the names you've got lined up are going to change how you view podcasts, mates. How have they got him? How have they got him?

How have they got them? Yeah. It's going to be an amazing podcast party right before Christmas. It will be the last thing you do just before Christmas. And then you shut it down for Christmas Gooch and New Year's Eve. Imagine this for one second. I love the Haveaway podcast. Wow, I love them, boys.

I've watched it for five years. Wow. I'm going to give it a miss out of the arena. It's not for me. January comes. Everyone's going. They just hear about the arena. Can you bleep?

You don't know a thing, mate. You don't out the loop. No one even likes you anymore. So, you can get... Don't be that guy or girl. Buy a ticket. Ticket. Live Nation.

And also... Haveawaypod.com. Yeah, that's the one. Go to our website. And also sign up to the Patreon. Patreon. patreon.com slash have a word pod for the biggest patron in the UK and one of the biggest in the world. That's ours. Don't be the guy who goes. I didn't go because I went shopping instead. Silly

Billy. That was a really good pre-roll. He did really well there. You were great on today's episode. As ever. Thank you. It was a great episode with insert name. Don't you agree? I love insert name. Yeah. Enjoy. with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn. This is the one and only. Have a word. Brought to you by Monscape, the very best product on the market

for below the waist groom. Go, Ed. Get on me. Hello, everyone. Oh, I've got a day after boozy voice. You sound sexy. Oh, yeah. Welcome to the Have a Word podcast, where we go daydreaming.

King. Bloody lads. You have a little a boy who's day out in Chester? It is it is Dan's week of freedom. It's try

divorce life. It's two, three days in and it's terrific. Do I miss my children? Ever so slightly. Will it be worse on Thursday?

Definitely. Was it fucking great yesterday? Tremendous. Do you miss them? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Not what you missable?

Not properly yet. I would suggest that if your kids and your wife go away for a week, if by day seven you're like, oh, those cunts are coming back, that's not a good sign, is it? But you'd feel like that if they came back today. I'd be like, what's going on? What's going on? I haven't had the full volume whang without the headphones.

Come on, guys. You can't do that, can you? Oh, he's death. You can't do that. Yes. And also, no, maybe you wouldn't. But I would expect a fellow player of the game to not be like, excuse me,

could you turn the volume down on the porn in your room? What about if you sink up, watch the same thing? Oh, no. Like couples do on flights. Yeah. Three, two, one. Clay, men in black men too. Oh, yeah.

Always want to go lesbian squirt, Bukaki, but I respect the men in black. So, yeah, we went boozing. Saturday was good. The kids went. Sorry, I'm not done with the missing kids thing. All right, okay. Keep up, you come back to me.

They're not missing, to be fair. They're not missing kids. I miss Mike, it's really important. Just, if anyone has any information, keep it to yourself. They've only been away three days. I think people say, oh, I missed you. Wouldn't they never?

Miss who? Who? What did you say? I missed you? I missed you. All right, cool. you think I'm saying? Do you not...

I missed you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not hearing any of that, no. I honestly don't know what's going on. What is it? I missed you. Missed Jew. It just...

Missed the Jew. Yeah, yeah. Missed Jew in the Nazis were looking for that I'm Frank. Oh, nice. Yeah. They missed her. That was a code name. There you go.

Um... Um... Do you not think people are just like, oh, I missed you. And they don't... really mean they just they just do i mean i've done that i've said i missed you to like friends and i've not thought about them did did you yeah yeah but fin you're you know i don't have kids also you we you live a weirdly emotionally detached life me i think so i think so i think you're

in a much better place than you were a few years ago but i don't think you are i don't wear my heart on my sleep yeah yeah i missed you i don't believe you're capable of missing i don't you yeah I missed the football when it wasn't on. Yeah. Like, because the season's back, I'm in that zone where I'm constantly trying to pull the next match towards me, like, must be a nightmare, your favourite sport?

Has it been away for like five and a half weeks? How'd you survive? Grow up. February the fucking whatever it was last time I saw good football. Yeah, but that is on you. You picked a sport that wasn't in your country. The heart wants what it wants. That's nothing to do with the country, is it?

I'll take the time difference. They just have an obscene amount of off-season. Go on. My question is, at what point of yesterday were you thinking of the kids and thinking, I missed you? You weren't? No. No, you're outblazing all there. The thing is about going to the gym with Bondi, which is tremendous and not having to be back because there was no one at home, and then go into Hickories and getting a seat in the new outdoor bit that they've built in the last six months a year.

And it's under a big, really expensive looking fake tree. so you're outside but you have cover and then eating some of my favourite food and having such a good time with such a good crew and then going day drinking and really, you know when you do a bar crawl and you just don't get anything wrong? You're like, oh, we'll try the new Irish bar.

That was nice. And then we'll try and get a sea outside at the architect. It can be really busy on a bank holiday. There was a big table there for six people. Tremendous. And we went bar lounge. They were like, oh, there isn't anywhere to sit. It's just standing at the bar.

But it was a great spot. So at what point in that day were you like, I wish my wife was here? This morning when I felt horny. Nothing yesterday. Yeah. No, that's because they only left at Saturday lunchtime they went. Yeah.

I'm not pining for them by Saturday tea time. Sunday morning. It's all good. They're having a great time. They're having a lovely holiday paid for by me. And that's fine. Great. By Thursday, I will, Wednesday maybe, I'll be like,

oh, it's better having, you know, the people I love the most around. But for now they can stay full. fucked off. And I don't think that's an unhealthy thing to say. And also, I think Laura's fine with a break from me. Because as we were saying goodbye and she drove away, her parting words were, Toodaloo, motherfucker.

As the kids are crying a little bit in the back, she's like, we'll be fine. Does she not want her version of this where you take them away for a week? Right, that needs to be edited out of the episode. I very rarely do this, but that kind of fucking loose talk could end my year

what are you doing I honestly thought you were serious reminiscing I was like what's going on here no Jesus Christ Finn

you with you maverick can we not just talk about the Holocaust let's be it safe what do you want

she goes away for a week why don't you just take the kids away for a week just you and the kids so I go away oh right yeah

so she stays she gets the home thing she gets the one palace oh did you were you thinking you got

So stay with the kids. Yeah. So I have to... Fuck like his body language. Poor. She... Like a fucking veteran on bonfire, nice, relax. Bring your veterans in.

Don't leave them in the garden. Honestly, they get very scared. Especially if you've got a rescue veteran. Jeff, I was in the Falklands. So, what... I hope she doesn't watch this. I go away with the kids for a week. Yeah.

You go to... Greece for a week at the kids. Right. Zanti. What? Zanti. You go to Zanthi.

I thought you were trying to say anti. My auntie? Auntie Carroll. So me, it's Uncle Roberts 70th. And he's like, we're going away. And Laura's like,

no, allow it, mate, which I have respect. So off I take the kids. It would be weird at that point if she was like, Ishan's coming for a week. I think I have some questions at that point. I'm just going to put on a run of gigs.

No, but that's a gender thing, isn't it? Maybe she'd bring Sindhu V or someone. Yeah. I think she'd definitely bring Cindy V. Shout out of Sindhu. It's a weird invite, in it. Hey, Cindy, we've never met. I could stay at my house for a week.

He shanded. I don't like it. I'm just throwing it out there. Not loving it. By the way, if she watches this, and this happens, you've got to come with me. Why? You're because I need help.

Why? A week. There's only two of them and a fucking half your size. Oh, it's not. Oh, yeah. Because that's fair, isn't it? I can fucking take you. Eat your nuggets.

And I'll fucking swat you. Right, okay. Where am I going? Like, let's, because she's... Whatever you want, mate. Fucking doesn't money, no object. Where's she gone? She's gone to Portugal, right?

She's gone to... So you blow that out of the water? Yeah. You become the best of. parents, border of border or something. A little coastal, like, village called Alvera. The Philippines.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Philippines. Singapore. Money's no object. Me. You need to win the parenting. Me and two kids. Singapore for the week.

Yeah. It's me and the kids now. Yeah. That's it. We're doing Singapore. We're doing Singapore. Don't need her. Right, so I'll go to Singapore for a week with the kids.

But the kids will remember, like they will associate the holiday with the parents. So they'll remember Portugal with her. So when the divorce comes, they're going to want to be the favorite parents, aren't you? Yeah,

yeah. So you've got a winnie? And I imagine Singapore is more kind of like techy than, yeah, than Portugal. So they're going to associate Singapore with the future and you are their future. Yeah. Singapore is,

they're always on about that. They're like, this holiday that she's taking us on, it feels very old school, you know? Where's the future, Singapore? This is a weird chat to have you a four-year-old.

I really want to do a 14-hour flight with a stopover in Doha. Don't worry, Jack. I'll sort you right out. Or Dubai. Show them a new way of life. Dubai. Yeah. Because it's the future as well, in it.

We won't actually see Dubai. We'll just be in the airport, but they'll be like mad. You'll just spoil them rotten. Get them like 10 iPads each. Dad, look at the Wi-Fi here. It's free. Fast as fuck.

Portugal shit. What a dickhead mum is. It wasn't even free Wi-Fi. It's just a shitty Airbnb. It's only air con in the bedrooms. Wanker. Thanks for bringing us to the Philippines, Dad. What do we do here?

know, I've not researched it. Adam said it on the podcast and I couldn't back down. They'd fucking love the Philippines. What's in the... Is it Singapore or the Philippines? Are we doing both? Right. What can we do in the Philippines?

Come on. Just say, is the Philippines a good family holiday destination? You can go see turtles and those lemurs that have the big eyes. The big eye limas? They're the future, aren't they? Big-eyed lemurs and ten? Turtles, this is what the future looks like. Manila's oldest Chinatown.

So it's like two holidays and one. Manila's a fun word, isn't it? Oh shit. Manila. How you pronounce it? Where are you spending time this year? Manila. I went to Singapore growing up.

I think it was good. Right. That's off then. I think he licked a turtle. They've got a, they've got a, they've got a, they've got a, boat on top of buildings there's like a cruise ship and they just put it on top of three scryscrapers

scratch scrapers would you not like this though would you not like the turtles skyscrapers in the sky boats on buildings no I mean would you not like think it's worth spending a bit of bunch to fucking have that time with your daughter and son

and buying favour with them it's important yeah yeah sounds great could you just price it up for me? Why is that matter? Because it's... Fucking, use your untraceable bearer bondies

and just fucking spend the money. I like the bit, but I also... I know what my bank account looks like. About a grand per person. There you got. Kids go free, though. It's like Charlie Chalks, the Philippines. Get free ice cream.

What flavor in Manila? It's vanilla. Right, right, I'm in. Yeah, I'll put it to Laura. No, I won't. I'll wait till she watches this. Otherwise, I won't mention it. It's just Asian Spain, man, it?

It's Asian Spain. Asian Spain falls me on the plane. On the boat. On the skyscry scroper. Yeah, it's a brilliant idea, lads. Three grand. It's three grand we'll spend. Yeah.

But you've got to do that. You've got to make those memories. No, I don't fucking have to do it. That's the whole point. I don't have to. My mum's not turning 60, is she? God bless her. You know, I don't have to.

These opportunities aren't, I don't, she can do her family holiday. I get my little week at home. It's all nice. I don't have to go to Manila with my three-year-old, four-year-old. Why don't you just have the kids in the house and then just send Laura to Manila? Then it's only a grand. Yeah.

On her own? Yeah. Yeah. I'd rather that. She'd be like, where am I going? You're going in the Philippines. Why? Because I'm making memories without you.

Now leave the continent. Do I think she'd like to break, though? Yeah, I think she would, but she could probably... So why don't you just offer her any? Yeah. Out of the blue? Any thoughts of like two nights in a spa in Beaumaris, maybe? Is there any...

Is there any... Is there any... A week in Manila? I mean, she could do, like... Why does she go Cardin Park? I tell you all. I'll huggle her down from Manila. For like, full spa day with treatment, Carden Park.

And she's like, no. What about, like, uh, Scandinavia. That's in the middle, isn't it? Of what? Price. Between, like,

the Philippines is a commitment flight-wise. Totally. Whereas, like, Slovakia. Right. She's not in Scandinavia. It's not.

I change my mind. When she gets back, just take the kids in and leave it in the garden, give it a new bag full of her clothes and go, here I love, now fuck off to Helsinki for the week.

Also, not in Scandinavia. No, it's not. Finland. No, it's not. Yeah, it is. I promise you, it's not.

I don't think it is, you know, because Dan said that it was... Denmark, Norway, Sweden, and I said on the quiz we did the other week that I've been, spent my whole life thinking Finland was in Scandinavia and got scolded. But they're the sad ones, aren't they? Like, all the other Scandinavian countries are like dead happy. I thought Finland's the happiest one. No, that's like Denmark and Norway.

They're like Russian. Swear Finland's like the happiest country on earth. They're good at racing Formula One cars. They like coal plungers and vodka and hate Russians. Finland has been named the happy. We're the happiest country in the world for the eighth consecutive year. We can all do, but... They love cold plunges.

Yeah, so, hang on. I'll take the kids to Scandinavia. That sounds like a nice trip. Take them home. Just take him to Denmark. Apparently, it's really good. Apparently, you just go Lego land for a week. It's the home of Lego, isn't it?

Can you do that? It's Lego HQ. I don't think you should do more than, like, three days at a theme park because his missus has been at Flamingo land for five days, and I think that's excessive. She was so excited. I'm sorry. What?

Ellie's a Flamingo land and she's not coming back. She, Ellie's gone. She went, so... Is it a euphemism? Is she a love to? So she was in work on Thursday and she meant to do an half day on Friday

because they were going to Flamingo land. They went, you can just have the day off. We don't need you go to Flamingo land. And I texted in the morning. I was like, are you excited? She was like, I've not slept. And they've been in Flamingo Land. Haven't been to Flamingo Land.

That level of excitement doesn't match what it is. We went to... It sounds good, doesn't it? It sounds like a land of... Flamingos. But it is a pretty low-end, like, theme park. Oh, she's... With a few flamingos.

We went to Italy. She was nowhere near as excited for Carr's wedding in Italy than she has been for, like, fucking north of York. Has she bids a flamingo land before? Yeah, they go a few year. They've got their regulars.

God. But also she, like, I think she knew the specific cues to get in at Flamingo Land to get on the rides quicker and stuff. She's like... How many rides is there? At least.

three. And one of them is the big one's been broken every day. But you know, each of their own. There's a zoo as well, apparently.

Flamingo Land is in North Yorkshire, if anyone's wondering where the fuck it is. Is it North Yorkshire? They used to sponsor Hull. Right. So I assumed it was near there.

More flamingos at Chester Zoo, mate. She's enjoying it, though. They went to go watch the wrestling the other night. Flamingo wrestling? I'm back in. Human wrestling.

But, It's just like people who, like, get paid like a five or a night, but then they get dumped on the red. And then it'll do, yeah, and all the kids like, ah, fuck off. They're, like, doing all that. I thought Flamingo Lam was like an half-day job. I didn't think it was like a five-day thing.

You haven't thought of all the extras they have for kids, wrestling, cockfighting, dog fighting, bare-knuckle boxing. You've got to really stay around until it gets dark. The car park at the back really kicks off. There's a bit of dogging, you know, some prostitution. And that's really where Fleming. Keeps their customers happy.

You came for the flamingos. You stayed for the violence. Flamingo land. These pricks do in half days. You're not going to see a man lose his spleen. Flamingo land. She's coming back to her and she's gutted. Right?

She's like, proper like, this has been the holiday of a lifetime. Good that, though. No, it's, it's like, objectively. It's not. for you, though, because that's where she's starting, everything on top of that for the rest of time. Anything better than Flamingo Land that you saw for her? She'd be like, oh, my God, does he be better than Flamingo Land?

Has she done any other theme parts? Was it just Flamendo Land? She's a, her dream job is roller coaster. That's what she's told me. So she must have done like Alton Towers. Is she in year free? Mentally. No, she's...

What do you want to be when you go out to roller coaster tester? Chocolate. flavour enthusiast. I want to work at the Sweetie factory. That's a Friday. That's a Friday. That one's not. I ate it. First time I went back

to hers and I stayed over at hers and she was doing TikTok in bed and she was just watching videos of people filming themselves on the front of roller coasters and it was like she was pretending to be on them. I didn't know. She was autistic. It's making a lot of sense now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So the rest of your life, whatever travel you do, because you're going to marry this woman, aren't you? Yeah. Just bought a house together. She's a phenomenal woman. Do you think I should propose on the big one?

On the big one? In Blackpool. You're fucking mad. As if you're not proposing on the reasonably sized one at Flamingo land. That's where she wants to be. No, but she's been saving up for Flamingo. Just hopping on one leg. What if you get a Flamingo to deliver the ring to her?

Yeah. Like train one? Yeah. Have I got to do extra? Do they have trained flamingos? Like stunt flamingos? I don't know whether they have proposal flamingos. But like...

I mean, if they don't, no one does. It's flamingo, then. They must have stunt flamingos. Like, they did a live action Lion King. Oh, the flamingo scene. Yeah. And they're all like drinking in the water. And they go, oh, you're right.

Like, I'll get those flamingos. They're not flamingos, are they? Or they zebras. There's flamingos involved, I think. Some flamingos got paid for the Lion King. I think I get those ones I know what ring she wants

as well she wants Princess Diana's ring Don't we all Was it is a question Was Princess Diana like considered like Fit like back in the day Was it like? I honestly thought that was going to be about her asshole She wouldn't she wouldn't

Was it like crude to be like Ah who's your celebrity crush You'd be like Princess Diana I don't know because I was a child as well I thought you were like 17 when she died yeah I was 16 when she died yeah you were part of the people

she was the people princess but no one was like who's your top three most bangable birds which part of which like have you never won't Princess Diana? I have not before she died

oh no celebrity crash I think she was yeah I think she was one of the most elegant women in the world and a lot of women looked up for fashion and she was loved, wasn't she?

And like, she was in all the magazines. So there's definitely been some guys like, oh, a minute, fucking... She touched people with AIDS as well, didn't she? Lady Dee. She touched people with AIDS. That was like a big thing that she did. Yeah.

Yeah, whenever she went like fundraising for a charity, they were like, Lady Deanna, you can't go in their field. There's loads of landmines. She was like, I don't get a fuck about landmines and just bounced around. Just took a beautiful asshole through all the minds. And they're like, don't touch that kid.

he was diseased and she was like come here she just didn't give a fuck about the rules she was the people's princess you know everyone loved her yeah but she she touched like she shook people's hands with AIDS and that

so Ellie you don't get AIDS by shaking hands do you exactly yeah but people thought you did it was like Cooties but AIDS is that a ref that's the ref isn't it David Couties I mean they

she did so much for the landmine AIDS community that's not the same community fucking how that's a bad day in it get AIDS come out you're not looking where you're going you're looking at the results going God I'm HIV positive where you're looking

not on the floor land mine HIV these days is like not even as bad as having like a fucking cold is it like you'd rather have you'd rather have HIV than like a snotty nose at the minute it's better to have it than not

good that wasn't a hyperbole it's better to have AIDS and lost I'd rather have AIDS than this cold no AIDS is a problem Yeah, that's your HIV, yeah. HIV is just, you just have a little one tablet a day. It's just like having a fucking

vitamin D3 tablet. Yeah. Yeah. Do you still feel like you've got HIV, though? Or is it just a thing? What? What does that feel like? Oh.

Yeah. Harry. Do that again? Was that a Tommy Cooper impression? What was that? I don't, well, like, I imagine it can't feel nice. If you got HIV. No, but just do it again?

I don't know. What are you shaking your head for? Was that offensive? What he did first? What did he do first? It is on film, so you guys just do it again. I realized that it came because of really insensitive.

I kind of went like it's a bit icky. Like you would feel icky, not like people with HIV are icky. But like if you have it, it's like having a snotty nose. If I have a snotty nose, it's like, ugh. AIDS.

I think I've done. was of a hole. And that's Harry on HIV. I had the nice day yesterday. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. I've had a really wholesome few days.

Would you like to hear about my wholesome few days? Yes, I do. We would like to hear. We'd like to not talk about Harry and HIV anymore. So Friday, we were in here. And Billy Huchby was here on he. And I went, so we'll have to have a pint soon. And he was like, yeah, yeah, what are you doing later?

And I was like, nothing. So he came to Lark Lane, which is only about six miles from where I live. Yeah, yeah. And we had about nine pints on Lark Lane. Just a light one for Will. Chill. Yeah. My business has finished work.

She come and met us for the last two or three of them. And then we went home, relatively early night. I woke up Saturday morning. I went to gym. Little tiny bit hung over, but just like, no, you get it done. no more excuses, no more days off. Apart from your next day off. Went to gym with Jack,

done all my cold plunging and that after the gym, came out feeling fresh, went and got a bit of breakfast, again on Lark Lane, a lot of driving this weekend. And then just had the day in my house, watched the footy on the couch, did very little.

Is it finished? It's functional. Right. It's nearly finished. Yeah, there's a few aesthetic things that's on you. And you've been very busy in the last few months, so a day of just being in your house.

I honestly think it's at least a decade since I last did that. Jesus. Then, yesterday, got up, Alex was getting ready for work, and I was like, I don't know what to do with my day here. And then I realized it's Sunday. I could start my perfect Sunday. You know, the feature we'd been doing perfect Sunday.

Walked to the coffee van, got a coffee, walked a little bit further up, sat on the wall and just drank it. just with the wind blowing in my head gluing your head who's wall just the wall of the park oh right

sipped away realized they needed to order a couple of shelves so ordered some shelves it's such a perfect sundays isn't it sitting on a wall doing online shopping with the wind in your head I love Sundays

walk to the bakery say shells mate walk to the bakery huge line idiots you shot them all Perfect Sunday You hit them all with shelves

You just purchased They're dead You get your coffee I thought I'm in no rush I don't mind waiting It's a Sunday On a Tuesday You're shouting at everyone

I'll never drink a coffee again Or eat a pastry You animals But on a Sunday It's a 37 hour day Got in Eventually after about 40 minutes of waiting

40 minutes Yeah Are you all right For just a quatton So I wanted Ideally a couple of weeks ago they had on a faccia they had mortadella

tomato tapernard and buffalo mozzarella it's a cheese and tomato and fucking tasty and green pesto sandwich so I thought so I thought I'll have that

or a ham and cheese croissant yeah got in and they had neither now on any other day after a 40 minute wait that would be fewer in my mood but I thought Do you know what?

I said to the fellow, I went, what would you recommend? And he said, the peach one. And I went, oh, that sounds lovely. It's good. I got the peach one. Class, but I also thought, ah, do you know what?

You're not telling me when I can and can't have me, buddy. And then give me a focatcher, just a fucking loaf. The pears a forcatcher. A peach what? A peach feccia? No, a fecatia loaf. Separately to that,

a peach pastry. Oh. At the peach pastry. as I was walking down the lane. Took your time. And then I took me for catchier on a little walk with me. Walked up to...

Is Adam Row? He's walking his loaf again. He's had too much wind in his head. Winding his loaf. Walked through the park, went and got a fan to zero. The detail. I love it when you get going with the teeth.

Regular or fruit twist? Chank. Regular. Two gulps. Then one. Then two. weird formation but it worked refreshing little bit

back on the walk with the loaf walked all the way up to Alfie Brown's new house it is a mad house and they're all so happy the kids because they've gone from living in a one bedroom flat all four children Alfie and Jesse are now in a seven bedroom house it's such

and by the way if they tried to buy the flat they were renting it would have been the same price in London as the house they've bought for that here the kids are running up and downstairs they're like they're stairs everywhere. Like, his youngest kid,

Becker, had a Liverpool top on. And I was, I like your Liverpool top. And he went, yeah, you know, but I like,

I like pulling my socks up all the way. And he pulled the socks up to his knees and just stood upstairs like this. Class. And then I thought, you know what?

I'm going to go home. I'm going to pick the motor up. I'm going to go to the M&S food hall and I'm going to get the stuff to make me for Catch a sandwich. And I'm going to watch Fullum against Manionized on the couch with me buddy.

But time's changed. People change. Plans change. as I was walking through the park Jack Finnegan text me and was like hey do you know the sandwich shop castros

you know the other like sandwich shop in town castros they're doing a takeover at ropes and twines on Bold Street there's a DJ and there's San Greer do you fancy

so I went and got a quick shower got dressed all nice did you take the loaf it's Sunday as well BYOB bring your own bread Is it a loaf-friendly pub? He'll just be in the corner. He's just trying to smell your loaf.

And, yeah, I had a couple of orange wines, sangriaes. A couple of beers, a sandwich. And then people just started appearing. So Taylor Ryan and the group of friends she was with, they just popped up. then we walked around to St. Peter's Tavern for a pint and Calam Oakley texted me and said, I've just seen you walking down Slater Street

looking like a Colombian drug dealer. And I was like, oh, well, we're going to St. Peter. So him is Mrs. and their mate, they come and joined us. Then my missus after we're come and joined us. And eventually there was about 15 of us just stood in the sunshine, just chin and pints. And then, quarter past nine, home, in bed for 10, the bottle of water with the telly on.

fucking woke up this morning. A little bit of a headache, but no hangover. Went and played Paddle at 8am. Yeah, I saw you advertised for the paddle. By the way, that perfect Sunday sounded shit until it got well better. Yeah. Like that, actually, coffee, wall.

Cue. Boring. Loaf. Boring. Loads of people, beers, fun. Well, better. That sounded great. You know you could do that today, because we're going to do that. We're going to do that today. I did it yesterday. I did it yesterday.

I do not need another. You go to cinema. Go go see the film. I just. I'm going to go see different I have autismed I have I have booked it And now I have to go I think that sounds fucking great

We went out at 2 o'clock yesterday We drank we were back at midnight I had a 34 pound shot of tequila What Wow And obviously I line myself up for these earning more jokes And this is fine But the fancied a tequila

And I was like oh you've got Patron You went oh it's Petron Grand It's like Graham Reserver or something right and he got it down he was like oh cool he was like I think it's expensive and I was doing the

it's fine I just price it up and it was 34 pounds a shot and you did it but then you've sort of gotta see how many of 34 pound it's like a five dollar shake it was just one

just a shot for me and my sister and she doesn't drink tequila thank fuck you know how like cheap tequila is disgusting rank and that's what like four quid a shot or whatever,

£3.50 a shot. And then a good tequila is like £5.50 a shot. Like six, maybe seven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's a nice shot. So that is so much better that £7 shot than the £3.50 shot.

The £34 pound shot is slightly better than the £7 shot. It's so not worth. There is no, there's no value in it at all. But I'm a bit hung over and knew we were coming into the podcast and he shan's on so I was like

and after that we'll go for a pizza and go and watch a film perfect great day after booze in but now you animals are like let's do it again then we might maybe

rice maybe do you want to go for a pint now I mean it is 10 past 1 it is pint time we just do a podcast first before we do pints okay fine all right so you become a Christian

let's have a break amen we do it loads should we make one of them do it Finn why should people sign up to the patron you get an extra episode

if you like this you get a whole another one of these a week and you get the specials we've got 6,000 TV level specials

where we've traveled all over the world and then we've also done some stuff in Liverpool as well and if you sign up you get the whole back catalog

don't you get to watch everything It's a good price. It's just from three pounds a month. That is less than a coffee. Now, where would I go and sign up for that? Patreon.com slash have a word pod. You get everything immediately.

I just spell all of that. P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot, full stop. D-O-T? C-O-M. Yeah? Slash. Wow. H-A-V-E.

No spaces in this. Yeah. A-W-O-R-D. Is it backslash or forward slash? They're the same thing. P-O-D. B-O-D? P-O-D.

Oh, have a word pod. Yeah, nice. It's slightly unnecessary bit of spelling at the end. But the message is clear. And we also have the quiz. Sign up, your big gimp. That's gone down really well.

The quiz has gone down. Amazingly. A lot of good work on that, boys. Well done. And that studio. Wow. That's beautiful. Let's give these people

who just cannot get their lives together some advice. Oh, I had another tiramisu, Frappuccino. To hurt in your stomach, or do you feel alive? Hurti good. Yeah? You know? Do I've never had a tiramisu?

What? Never had a tiramisu. Oh, really, so don't worry about it. I thought that. Have you seen Ian Wright's been going around trying tiramassus? What? Bloody love him, mate. Timu missus.

Just love him? I thought he was dead. Yeah, he's just going around to shops and trying tiramisu. And then they go, Ian, no, that's not the best one. best one he goes and just like, oh, oh, man. It's great content. That's a good impression of being right.

Tiramisu, man. Wow, well, I'll watch it. I love Ian, right. It's really hard not to like Ian Wright. Yeah. Some advice. Hi, fellas. I live with my two cousins.

The issue is their partners. Strangely, both have the exact same issue. Their laugh. The bloke has the loudest, most obnoxious laugh you have ever heard. He drowns out the entire conversation. And every cunt around. is staring in disbelief at the volume. It gets worse.

The chick is Scandinavian, not from Finland, and laughs like Jimmy Carr. She's also a piss-head, and after two beers, laughs at everything anyone says. Being out with these pair at the same time is the most painful evening you can imagine. It's getting to the point I refrain from any type of humorous conversation and don't know how to tell the pair of them

to shut the fuck up without coming across as a really miserable cun. Any advice as to how to approach this would be very helpful. Thanks, Anonymous. Just stop making them laugh. I've got a mate that has got an unbelievable cackle on him. Like it's... And I... You see that in a change room?

Look at the cackle on him. A moulton on him. He, it's really hard to... You just don't get used to it. And he's a good mate and he's good fun. But when he gets into it, wow, it's loud. And you want...

You feel like... She's going, because you just stop doing that in a restaurant because it's... It's annoying on stage in it when an audience member has a bad laugh. It's the weirdest thing. It's the weirdest thing.

Like, stop. Isn't it great for like one? You can reference it once, can't you? I've seen that hundreds of times where they've... What I say... I've said this. Every time it's ever happened, I go...

I go, it's weird to be a comedian hearing someone laughing at something I've said and thinking, I wish she'd stop that. And that then gets a laugh. And then normally makes them self-conscious enough to not laughing at all right. I love a way it's always a she in your head as well. Yeah, it's women, isn't it?

I get it. We understand. We had one on Thursday at my gig. And I got there and I was like, you know when you get there and it's already started, I've missed the first section. So I saw the middle act. This is great.

It's great when you're closing to go, I've got here in good time. There's no stress. They also get to watch someone do well, but I know how it's going to be for me and whatever. and they were like, oh, we've got a big laugher. And you're like, right.

And it is a weird thing that does happen at comedy clubs. Everything sound, really good, nothing to tell you particularly. There is a really big laugher. And he was just teetering towards it. It was one of them. Like, it's a lot. Fogone laugh. But everyone else was laughing, but it's fine.

But then there's, oh, there are some laughs that are real cackles. And it draws the attention of the crowd. And then you can get a laugh. out of it, but if it doesn't make themselves conscious and they keep going, it is irritating, but it's hard to bullet people for doing the thing that they're meant to do in a comedy club. You just look really mean as a comic

really like, could you just be normal? Could you laugh normally? Because they can't. I've got a story. And it's delicate. Okay. So, at a gig once, there was a lad who was on the front row who was, like, severely disabled.

like electronic chair disabled right and he everything like in what you know the noise i mean yeah like one long ha do i mean ha ha yeah yeah there is but you know what i mean yeah right and uh yeah you just have to crack on because you can't can't make an example or that no one's did anything wrong and these places have to be inclusive and it has to be everyone's welcome but the whole room a few hundred people are just going

you're not going to deal with this at all you're not going to mention it a lot of those few hundred people are going yep I'd leave that one as well have you seen the American comic he was in he was in Deadpool

he's got curly hair T.J. Miller Yeah I know exactly what clip you in. That beautiful thing he's a, is it Zanis or in Nashville? In Nashville. And he's doing crowd work,

which he's really good at, and then ask the question of a guy who's wearing cargo pants. Cargo pants. And he goes, what cargo are you carrying, what you freight? And the guy goes,

I just really like wearing cargo pants all the time. And he goes, immediately, he goes, you can see the look in his face where he goes, uh, oh.

He goes, I want you all to know that I'm not going to make fun of him at all. What does he say? And this is the part of the show where we're just going to learn about someone. And it's brilliant as a comic because it's well done and you could go, wow, you should

stick, you know, get into everyone. But that really takes away the human side of. It's such a collective thing, comedy, where you're all getting a group and you're all sort of like, you're like, we're on a little team and we're all part of it. And then there is the empathy of the rest of the crowd going, please don't be a dick to the guy that is obviously

neuro-spicy to say the least. And he deals with it. It's just a really honest way of dealing with it and yeah just it's tricky if you've got an absolute bastard of a laugh T.J Miller he came into the dressing room of a comedy club we're gigging together in New York

and he'd come in and the first thing he said is is there somebody here from Liverpool and he's mates with George Zach so George Zach had text him and gone oh you're gigging with me my mate had him tonight he was just dead sound he was also fucking brilliantly he's in Silicon Valley

yeah which is one of those series that I hadn't have recommended to me and I stuck it on and I think it's about six seasons or something, it's fucking brilliant and he's like one of the best parts of it. I've been watching quite a bit of black mirror with me misses for the first time

or are you rewatched? I've watched the odd episode here and there and there and I think we've watched like three or four now in the last week and I've done the ones that I've heard you mentioned so we're done, I've already done USS Callister she was like I don't like to look at that I'm like, I'm like...

Done that. Yeah. Done, hang the DJ. Yeah. Done Black Museum. Yeah. I think that's it. I mean shut up and dance.

Oh, that's heavy. Shut up and dance is, is peaked black mirror. They're all album titles. You need to do some of the Channel 4 ones. They're more interesting. Shut up and dance is a Channel 4 one, though, in it? No.

Is it not? That's a Netflix one. Oh, mad. Well, the Channel 4 ones are dead interesting because they're so much more British. All of them. Like, especially the first one. Oh, I didn't know they were separate. I didn't know there was another load that aren't on Netflix.

No, they are on Netflix. Netflix. So season one to three, I think, or maybe one and two of channel four. Season one, just one episode, didn't it though? No, three. Is it, I thought season two was two? No, no, no. Season one's three episodes. And then it got to season two and Netflix was like, hey, we'll give you way more money to make better cool stuff. But it kind of lost that. It does that, doesn't it? When you get loads of money in something, I think it with them, it's always sunny. When they got loads more money, it kind of loses that edge. Yeah. Because it used to look

I mean, there's usually a production company and a channel are making something and then they up their budget, but it's the same. To go from, oh, it's British made, it's on Channel 4 to then have the American influence and they filmed it in America as well. Yeah, yeah, a lot of it. Anonymous lady says, wagwag, lids, looking for a bit of advice. I've recently separated from my husband and after a hard couple of years, I'm trying to get back out there. I've started seeing someone. It's only been a couple of months and things are going well. He's lovely. But the other day, He asked me to lend him 20 pounds so he could go for food with his mates

and it instantly gave me the ick. Yeah. For context, I'm a single mum who can manage to keep everything afloat, house, car, etc. He makes more money than me and lives in his mum's spare bedroom. Have a word with me for being a bit too sensitive about this or have a word with him for being a man child.

He's 31. P.S. Do I bin him off? Thanks, guys. Appreciate yous. Yeah. it is icky i get it why have you are you are you because he lives with his mum or you're feeling a bit of empathy like no no i'm saying it i'm saying it food's expensive man no i was saying it is prescient nando's i'm saying it is i don't get

what what's he done there what's the budgeting going on something's gone wrong mate you're playing for keeps if you're a single mum and you're back in the thing you want like it's i get it you're not trying to you're not trying to be like, I need a provider, but you need someone to be able to pay for his own shit. Like if, I don't know, if you're a single mum and you're like, right, this is going to be a rough couple of years, but I can make it work.

You don't need another fucking dependent going, everyone's going to pay $40. Can I have some money for sweets and a can of pop? Fuck off. My pussy would dry right up, lad. It's, it's delicate in it, because things are expensive for people doing a lot of money.

But if you don't, If you're in a marriage and you're like, babe, I'm a bit skinned this week and I know we're low, but all the odds are going, I haven't seen them pretty just, can I have 20 quid? Now, whatever. But if you're a couple of months in, you're dating a single mum. And she knows you've got very little expenses and you're earning an all right. Can I have 20 pounds to go out with my friend? It just feels a bit infantile. That 20 pounds isn't coming back either, is it? He's not going to be like, Monday morning. It's been a great couple of months. That's not 20. pounds, thank you. I had a really nice time with Gavin. You're never seeing it. And then it'll be more money. I'm a bit, I'm down on this shit. Feel like it's a bit murky.

There's not many people you ask to borrow money from. What if Laura asked you for a hundred quid to go to Pilates with the local women? I'm sorry, what does she do every fucking week, every month? That's exactly the dynamic. I pay for

everything. She goes to Portugal. No, that's the deal. We're married. been together 11 years. She went, hey, the pod's doing well, in it? And you go off all sorts of places and your gig. I grew up in a family where my mum, her mom, had to work a lot. And she was in childcare and all sorts. Like, she didn't see her mom. Her mom picking her up from school. She remembers the times it happens because she was like, oh my God, my mom's picking me up from school. And it was dead exciting. And we're in a situation now where she goes to go, I'll let

you do this. That's why I've got wiggle room to do a lot of the traveling and whatnot. So, she gets to do that but part of that is I then have to provide and do the money so that is totally sound on the other hand it'd be great if she could get some money in while doing that and that's where I think OnlyFans is a very viable

option yeah come on Loss what are we doing mate and you can pay for Singapore for yourself get the feet out work up the leg bit of ankle hide the toes because they're massive and then she's a big toe lady it's weird

long Such long claw-like things. Like a fucking, oof, but the rest of her, stunning. So she socks on when you're getting down to it? No, no, she gets them out and you've got to be careful because they, you know, I bruise easily.

And then I think I'd be into it. Just get a little bit of, you know, a bit of batty, little, what's that? A grand a month, that'd be great. Come on, Loss, where are you? I wouldn't be, I'd be against it. I'd set the studio up. That's what the garden office is for.

You've joked about this before. Are you serious? If she put her pussy all over the internet, you'd be all right, Brett? Can we warm up to the pussy? Is it straight? Always. Is it pussy out straight away? Do you not have to start sort of like, oh, I'm in a super shorts? I think a lot of people will, even if they start by going, no, no, no, no, no.

They eventually get to the... You'd tease a bit, though. It's like back in the 1800s, it used to be show a bit of ankle. Now it'd show a bit of flap. But you only show a little bit, you know, it's still got to be covered. Oh, just one flap? Because she's a lady. Just, yeah, just the tip.

Tip of the flap. Tip of the flap. Tip of the flap to yet. That can be it. That can be it. OnlyFans name. Big Lazz at Tip of the Flap. Would you genuinely not be bothered?

I think I'd be into it. You'd be into it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm encouraging it. Is that in like a... It's been a lifelong dream of mine since I started this conversation. Is that in a kind of cock way?

Do you think you'd get off on it? Get off on her being on OnlyFans and me thinking there's someone touching the penis to this. Yeah. does nothing for me. What would be great was, not paying for Pilates. Then I might be like,

what if it progressed? What if like a year down in? She's like, right, I've got to start shagging on camera. Are you doing the fucking or are you getting, you know, Derek's just ordering?

Like, what's going on? Once again, he is not having sex with my wife at any point. I'm sorry, Derek. I ranted it against you in a recent episode, but you're not allowed to bang my wife. Not even for Onlyfans.

No, it'd be me, but I don't think anyone. No, I can't do it. It's got, it's not good. Do you know how many of our patrons would pay to watch you while uplora? Yeah. You could make some bank, mate. You'd make money on OnlyFans yourself, just from the amount you've talked about your dick.

You'd make Bondy look like this, cunt. That's how much money you'd be earning. Should I start on OnlyFonds? I mean, only Dan's, surely. Nice. Well, I reckon you'd, you'd be well over a grand within a day. Yeah. Would you take requests?

I've got a tequila fucking problem, so. that's all good. Yeah, I'd have to be a specialist. Yeah, like sitting on cake and that. That is, I'll be one of them.

I don't want to be like, oh, God, like that's boring, isn't it? Who's into that? What's my market? No one.

No one's into what you just don't. No, what's the market? But those perthy, like, oh, I really like, sit on a Tyramusoo and eat it.

I'm telling you right now. You can't just sit on it with your pants on it? You'd have to have your balls in that house. It has to be like your cock going into the tin of Zoom. And Ian Wright's got to be there.

The only problem here is, I'm ruining a perfectly good tiramisu. I'm buying two, eating one, then sticking my balls in the other. That's the, you know, mantra I lived by.

Right, okay. Yeah, this is great. So a niche one. Who's running the socials? You. Okay. You do everything.

When everyone has an idea, we go, Harry, you saw it out. Mad that. Who do you think said it's in that? Carl, grow up. That's my heart.

Balls slide into a fucking Baba Ginoosh. Do I have to subtitle it? I don't know what that is. Squelge. No, yeah, squelching sounds. All right, great. I'll look into it.

Babba Ginoosh is like hummus. You into that? How much and what's the sort of fees on only fans? Is it a bit like Patreon? 3.10. 3.5, 10. 20.

Yeah. Right. What's the poster of? His cock. I saw. You know how. A1. You know how Joe Exotic's my mate?

Yeah. He got, I saw recently, he got fan mail, not fan mail, off his boyfriend who's just been deported, he put lipstick on his asshole and sat loads on paper and then sent it to him. So he's got that in prison. That's cute. You could do that. Yeah.

He keeps on messaging me, you know. Maybe we should do the art special too and I could do something like that. Yeah. That's not going to look like a A horrible Jackson Pollock. Yeah, that's smudgy. I might be a bit hard line with this. I think you need to fuck him right off.

You don't have sex with money and then giving them pocket money. Apart from if it's your wife. Rose says, Hi Lids, need some advice here. My wonderful partner Tom proposed to me earlier this year. and we're scheduled to get married next February.

I've always been a bit of a traditionalist about having the same last name as my husband and Tom wants me to take his name too. But there's one problem. His surname is West. I've told him that I don't think I can live my life with the name Rose West. But he doesn't see the issue.

Does he not say it at all, Rose? Not even an inkling of a problem. And I'm really nervous about bringing up the possibility of keeping my name. Any advice? And that's from Rose. Double badly. What's their couldn't last name?

Chipman. Rose G. Is there any, uh... I suppose we're all men, aren't we? We are. Just innocent men. But, like, would you have resisted Laura taking... If Laura came to you and was like,

listen, I don't want to be a nighting girl. I want to be a flim flam, whatever she was. Yes, she was Laura Flimflam. That's her maiden name. It's really easy to remember for passwords. Tip of the flimflam. Tip of the flip flam. Fli m'em.

How to take a flip flound? He called me Danny Flimflan, mate. That's not so stupid. What do they name used to be? Boutreous, butchrous garly. I don't know who's her name. after um laura catherine ross was her uh lonely name and her happy name is laura catherine butrus butras galley nightingale so she she wanted nightingale she was all into it would er ellie take your name so

so ellie was like oh you know i kind of like the the feminist thing of you know keeping her name i was like that's great and then i told her that she can have mrs robinson as her song at the wedding She was like, oh, yeah, I want that. So she's going hard and debate. Also, Ellie Lee is like, it's all like the same sound three times, isn't it? Kind of. Ellie Lee sounds like it's her first name and she's from the deep south. Yeah.

Yeah. Ellie Lee? She's a beautiful girl. Don't fire her. I, until this very moment, thought that it was her middle name. So did I. Oh, really? Yeah, so did I.

I just didn't know that was an actual saying. I thought she was doing like one of those Facebook. about serious things. Oh no, her dad's Bruce. Ellie Lee Bruce. No, I said her dad's Bruce, not her last name of Bruce. I see what you did.

It could be. Would you tell a girl not to worry about it because you can't be asked, like, then she's got to tell everyone else to spell it. The problem with my one is that you do get like assumptions about what you're going to, like, look like.

I honestly, I don't, where do they assume you from? Because Cullivers is, I don't, I feel like it's Turkish, at all like. No, a lot of people are like, are you Polish? That's what I get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the history of Finn's name, which is Culliver's.

Yeah. Is that 150 years ago, Etter Turk made Ataturk, Etter Turk, that's my daughter. Made everyone pick one of 15 surnames. Government approved list of names and one like family representative had to go and go,

hey, this is our name now. We choose, we'll have a number seven. We choose this one. So before that, it was Zingle. So then they picked... Your name was Finn Zingle. Finn Zingle. Like Chris Kringle.

Yeah. So they picked... What a loss that is. I know. Finn Jingle. So they picked K-O-V-U-S. So it's the same name, but K-I. That was on the list.

Kill-Vers was on the list. That's a pretty common Turkish surname. It's like a hip-tri. But there was a spelling mistake in the registry office or wherever they did it. So we are the... only Culliver's family in the world. Yeah. And now we've,

we've stuck with that. Could your surname's a mistake? Yeah. Yeah. Sick. But that's cool. It's good branding though for any other. There won't ever be another,

well, unless I name my kid, Finley, there won't be another Finley Culliver's ever. Whereas there's Deffer or Harry Robinson, there's probably both of your names as well. There is. There's a comedian in New York called Dan Nightingale. And he applied for gigs at The Frog.

Are you taking the biz? He went, what do you mean? And then sent me the email. He's like, hi, my name's Dan Nightgoyal. I'm looking for gigs. They thought I was doing a bit. He's he up there? There's also a Dan Nightingale that's got,

Dan Nightingale at gmail.com. And occasionally he goes, Hello, other me. You've got an email forwarding it on. Hope everything's good in comedy. Seems like it's going well. I've just got this running. Every time someone goes,

because my... A little pen pole! And he's got a pen pal. And he's dead sound about it. He's like, oh, another one's scrub. come through. I think this one's for you. Generally,

in the message he's like, it seems like, it's really of New York one. Seems like everything's going really well for you. They're chuffed. How's life in comedy? It's fucking great.

Yeah, so I'm not sure if I, I'm not sure if a girl would want my name. It depends. I think there's a chance she's going to be like, really?

Yeah. I'm no offence, but it's just a... Yeah, my brother's missus hasn't taken his name. Right. Carl's Mrs. hasn't?

Yeah. That happens a lot, doesn't it? It's a cool name, though. I think so Harry, there's like on my, you search Harry Robinson

I'm like on page two. There's a lot of Harry Robinson. Yeah, like there's a rugby player. Your mind, I was on page three. Nice. Oh, I used to have kids

like come up to me at football tournaments and go, your name's like an actual, you look like a footballer. Yeah, yeah. It's class. Well, my mom, do you know what my mom's last name is now

when she married her, she married my stepdad. So my mom's last. name is Rimmer. And she took that happily. Yeah, she loved it. Nominative determinism, mate. It was meant to be.

Yeah, maybe it's about her first name. Yeah. I'm trying to think of something that works with Culliver's. But if you marry a Kelly, Kelly Cull of Us. Oh, that's just got a K in there's a middle name as well. Oh, yeah. One more. Felt inspired by you guys talking about sexy uniforms for sex.

and went on love, honey, with my missus, and we picked out some lingerie. It arrived, and a few nights later, we agreed she'd dress up and we'd get at it. This is not something we've done before, and my wife felt a little embarrassed. But I told her she looked amazing because she did, and a little skimpy black lace number. Nice. And everything was going well as we started kissing in that. But then our five-year-old has woken up and wandered across the landing and opened our door and said, Mommy!

And my wife has army rolled off the other side of the bed, horrified at the thought. of him seeing her with negligee on so i've had to jump up grab my dressing gown and guide him back to his room never ideal when you've got a stiffy obviously the dressing gown covered everything up but when i finally got back in our room my wife has taken off the lingerie and she is weirdly shaken up that the baby seen her in slutty costume it's like she was wearing a full fucking gimp suit and i had i had her hanging from the ceiling with ropes and pulleys now the whole sexy outfits thing is off the table and she gets weird talking about it What do I do here, boys?

Does Dan have any advice as a parent who likes the sheikhs your time? It was going to be so much fun. And I feel like if I say the right thing now, we can get this back on track. Any help would be much appreciated from Tim. I think she's overreacted there, jumping off the bed. Yeah. That's worse.

The kid's going to be like, mummy's dead. Mummy's dressed like a slut and she's dead. It's a very attentive five-year-old. She's dressed like a lot. Are I having a dream? Did you ever catch your parents fucking? Oh.

I wish. God, I heard them banging. You wish? I just meant like they'd love each other. I thought worded it wrong. He heard them rimming. You wish? I know.

You wish? In my head, I was like, oh yeah, that's a happy relationship. But it sounded like I'm just some kind of. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We were on holiday and I heard my parents. bonk from the it was one of those it was tiled you know like the town traveled and I woke up to like a and I'm like Mackey McConaughey they're both doing cocaine that's how

they fucked and um it sort of woke me up and I woke up and I was like we were in it you know when you the kids are in a two single beds in their own room and as I open my eyes I just looked across the room and my sister was wide-eyed looking at me like, what the fuck is going on? And I'd just be like, just ignore it because I knew what was going on. She was horrified and it went on for a bit and then I heard

we must come back to Greece. No. Went to me and I was like, hopefully I'll never remember this and it plays on my mind. It just pops in occasionally like, oh, remember that awful memory? It is Here in your parents...

Probably a terrible suggestion, anyway, when he said take the kids to this. It is one of those things. You know it happens. You know it's how you exist, but you never want to hear. How old are you at that point? I'd have been about 12, 13.

Old enough to know what was going on. My sister would have been nine, maybe not sure what was going on. But fuck me, that's not good. And you know, so, like, I get it. When you've got kids in the house, you have to make sure, like, if we're doing the sexy times

there is a lot of like let's just check Jack is definitely asleep because he's been drinking and we have to check he's asleep because he's young enough that he like at five they don't know what's going on

they don't know what you're wearing they've woken up they've had a dream they've just come in so they're not taking anything in yeah that's just clothes to them isn't it it's an overreaction he won't have even seen mum roll off the bed he'll just be they're half asleep

yeah do you have a lock on your door sure that you barricade it what if you know you're gonna wear how hard do you think I bang my wife quickly

fucking hurricane settings baby I've got one building up so the kids are like trying to get in what's happening you can't be wearing ass there's chaps in front of a year one you've got to like make sure that the year one doesn't see it

yeah I think a lock would be or a bounce set. It's a fucking, why haven't I got a lock on my door? It's the most obvious thing ever. Because the kids aren't, they're not, then you go,

all right, okay, it just gives you that time. Would you rather the kids catch you wanking or fucking Laura? You want to see me move fast. You want to see speed from this old devil. If I, like, everyone's gone to bed and I've got lap, I'm like, oh, this is nice,

this is going to be a fun 20 minutes. And then the door goes slow because Laura wouldn't just come in. She either WhatsApps me and goes, hey, I need something. And like, and then I used to have a bit about it. She'd like, she knocks. There's a pause.

She's such a player. She's like, I know what you're doing and that's fine. Just don't need to see it. Etta, this was about a month ago. couldn't get to sleep and had been like in bed you know when you're like

oh I can't sleep and she tried to get herself off to sleep long enough that I'd gone everything's sound so I'm like I've got my set up they've got the lube I'm like it's full settings

and the door opened a bit and it was this amazing movement as I'd knock things off close that fucking move forward like took the duvet with me and went what's up darling it's just the worst she just never needs to see that

that is going to be horrifying for her that is me paying for not just my wife's Pilates, but also her therapy down the line. No, she doesn't need to see it, but the lock, it's a lock. Of course it's a lock. It's the simplest thing ever.

Yeah. At my ex's house, when I'd go to stay over, so me and my ex weren't allowed to stay in the same room. And it was like an open door policy. You weren't allowed to have the door closed fully. How old were you? In teen? No, 20.

Right. By the way, if anyone's, that sounds a bit strict. that's not a bad policy if you've got a teenage daughter and you're like, okay, they can come around no one's closing doors and locking doors.

Fuck that. Oh no, we were both in our toilets. Oh, stop being such a prude. Oh, yeah, you're right. Lock the doors, barricaded, hurricane settings. You know, gosh, she's 16 now. Go ahead. All right, so.

Have you had your vitamins? You had your D3? Go on there. Get up there. In fact, we'll leave the house. We'll go. wait for a week. You have the house. Bang anyone. Leave the dog.

Yeah, so I stopped being approved, Adam. You're right. Why am I thinking about my eight-year-old daughter's future sex life? This is awful. No, but like, let's not make it about your natural daughter, but let's say your hypothetical daughters are getting walloped when she's like 17. It's very hard for me to do hypothetical daughter

when I have a daughter. Why would you want a daughter? door open if that's going to happen, at least shut the door so you can't even accidentally see it or anything. It's happening anyway. Fucking out. Yeah, we're just, well, this is the thing, right? So, because we weren't allowed

any sort of privacy like that, and I'd been at hers for like four days, whatever, and I was like, I'm gasping for a wang. So when I had the shower, I went to the shower, turned the shower on. Was it an open door policy for showers as well? You couldn't lock the door in the bathroom.

They were like, we don't use this lock. So that was the only one. room that did have a lot but it was like mad I did think that was a bit mad I their family were great but I thought that I was a bit mad but I turned the shower on and then I had a wank um like on the sat on the toilet seat and um but it took you know it took me a while because I was like nervous did you have the shower running to make it seem like you're in the shower yeah and um and I hear banging on the door after I've finished and I'm I jump in the shower and get wet and then

turn the shower off and then put the towel around and they're like Like, you've been in the shower too long, the kitchen's flooded. And basically because I just let it build up, all of the water had come out and it was dripping through the light. Because I'd just wanked myself into a flood. I mean, that's on their plumber, really, isn't it? I think it's on their restrictive housing rules. If they didn't want their kitchen flooded, let me wang. Press the button.

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NordVPN. I can't live without it. Oh, it's been a while. It's been a while, but my God, very few people look as good on that orange couch. Oh, as Ishan, James, Navid, Akbar. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Delighted to be back.

Is what are your name's James? It is. I think I've had a few. James, I've had David. I've had Paul. It's just Ishan, Navid, Akbar. I know that because of the passports for... Where do we go?

Tenerife. Tenerife, yeah. Where does Navid come from? Christmas. Feliz. Oh, I see what you did there. Navid, okay. Is that what?

Yeah, Philees, I'm dead. I don't know, probably somewhere in, somewhere brown. That's a new round. Sadiq's London. middle names I haven't seen you for it you've been hanging out with him

you're living in his cupboard at the minute aren't you I'm actually living in his room what you mean I'm in his bedroom he's giving me his room is it not just stink I've made it into the house I've made it from the garden office slowly into the property

I can't have you stay in the garden office if no one else is in the house we can't have the help down at the back of the garden I would love this you insist on doing that. It's out, it's hot with my breakfast. He's at the service quarters. That would be great.

But no, I'm in your, I'm in Dan's bedroom and Dan has moved to the... I'm in the master bedroom. Well, I'm in Laura's bedroom. Laura's bedroom. Yeah. What's that like? Smaller than my bed. Also, when you're having your mate over for...

In my head, you're... I've been to your house loads. I've never been in your room. Your room is a time. You've got a single bed. The Lord has got a cream-sized bed. Yeah. She's got a double.

And I've got a king. Yeah. You've got a king. I've got the master bedroom. Your room's too small for a king-sized bed. I've never been in, but it is too small. You've got the master bedroom. You don't live in the one that we potted in?

I've lived in every one of the four rooms. We've lived there six years. There was a lot of moving around. At one point, it was a podcast studio. Then I lived in it for a bit. And then I was in the other room, and it's all chopped and changed. Heter's done three of the four.

So we've moved around. We found the combo. This was about two and a half years ago. And Laura's like, I don't want the big room. I don't like it. I want this room. You can have the big room. So I've managed through no pushing of my own

to go from the shittest room in the house to the next best one. And then I improved. And now I'm in the big boy room. And it's my room and it's nicely done. It's really nicely done. And I just thought, as Ishan's staying, and I've invited him and he's my mate,

he can have the big bed that's my, and I'll go in Loras. So that's the set up. Honestly, that's bow of my mind. Also, that is mad. To have your mate staying and give him your bed and you stay in it and then two of years are staying in strange beds.

Nah, put him in the cupboard, lad. Or in Jack's room. Laura, when... Or in Jack's room. He's not staying in my bed, is he? Is that what he said? Why was you worried I was going to wank in there as well? I don't know.

I don't know. What was I concerned? I'm hoping it's the wanking. Yeah. I just think when you've got a mate coming to stay for five or six, nights. I think a woman's allowed to go, yeah, not in my bed. Like, I get it. You know what I mean? But I shower. I'm clean. I know you're clean. And I'm hoping she's not racist. You know,

there's lots going on. This bed cannot have the touch of a non-white man. I'm just to get a touch of a white man, to be honest. You can crack one out in my bed. There will be no judgment. I think she's like, you know, Eishan's a lover, a horny man. Do you remember me walking into the toilet while you were having a sit down wee? Last night. Yeah. Yeah He has a sit-down wee So do I In the middle of the night

When you still awake this Yeah because then you don't piss all over your porcelain tiles Wait Oh In the middle of Wait a minute In the middle of the night

You specifically have a sit-down wee It's the only time I ever sit down wee It's not the only time I ever sit down wee But I always have it Yeah If I wake up for a piss at 2am Yeah I don't want to turn

I want to turn as few lights on as possible. So I go and sit down so I can't possibly miss. But no, but what if your knob is outside the rim? That's not a thing I have to worry about.

What are you talking? I actually think smaller cocked men struggle the most with that. What? Because it gets caught on the lip. My big worry is that it's going to be

in the toilet water, do you know what I mean? Yeah. I flush me to get out. Just bubbling as you're pissing just there. Yeah, do you not have a sit down way in the night?

No, no, no. Because when I was growing up, when we used to go to Bangladesh, we used to have the holes in the ground, right? So he had to do the squat. And I could never squat. I can't squat even now. What?

I just played sad story. I thought it was all going to get a bit, Pakistan, Bangladesh. Yeah, no, no, no. So you just have to squat, and I couldn't squat. And so I would stand up and shit and piss. Does not go down your left? You stand up for a shit? In Bangladesh, I would, yeah, when we didn't have a commode.

Yeah, but does that not drip down your leg, though? If you're like, what have dragons got to do with this? no, no, because you have to kind of arch forward a bit and then... Like Kim Kardashian with the champagne. Yeah, a little bit. And then I would like just hold my arshicks apart a bit. Goes over a back. Right.

To so I can aim... What's that got to do with having a sit down way now? Because... Sitting down to do any of those bodily functions just feels unnatural to me. Do you still not sit to shit now? Oh yeah, I do sit to shit. So what are you on about? Yeah, what I'm hard about?

Just like, try it. It's just a weeing. It's just comfy. I mean, what I should have done is close the door. You know, that's where I made the mistake. You looked to sleep. I was, it was, we went to bed about midnight, maybe. It was like three in the morning.

And it was one of those ones where I did the thing of guzzling the water. Because we had a good old booze yesterday. Yeah, we did a very nice piece. And no one was too pissed, but I was a bit drunk where we got back. I kept it together nicely. Yeah. And I knew we had to record today. I didn't want to be ill.

hanging out my ass and I think a midnight finish even though it was an early start works out great there we've done shots espresso martinis but a two o'clock start midnight finish

a lot of boozing but it's a lot of more recovery time than being at Teddy's at 3am yeah and I had a bottle of water I did that thing because my sister was staying over so I got her a bottle of water because she's a bit of a princess

so I made sure she was sorted and I down nearly a full big bottle of Evia so I needed that was I should have closed the door because he walked in you, we didn't say anything. I just giggled.

I just talked and saw you. I was like, sorry, mate. I think we're past the point where I have to be like, oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah. I just went. I also don't think anyone ever needs that

you two grown men, men piss, mate. But I'm not used to see him. Whoever we're annoyed up. That was new to me. I, um, when I was, when we were 11, we went to play a football tournament in Bolton at the Reebok. It was a Reebok.

It was a Reebok. It was a Reeboker. And JJ Cochee is. But my, my mum and dad. didn't drive so when we went away for tournament side i just have to go with someone else and we stayed over and we were in a premiere inn and i stayed with my mate jackson and his dad and in the middle of the night i got up for a shit close the door i believed i'd locked it and then in comes jason the dad who just looks at me there's there's too long an eye contact this this is burned into

my brain he just goes yeah he just closed the door again they're wrong jason jason jason that's the wrong word when you see a semi-naked lad shit and you don't go, yeah. Yeah, that's weird. Jason and a son called Jackson. Yeah. Jason and Jackson?

Yeah. Fucking. Were they white? They were white. Very white. Okay. Jackson's studio play. We must come back to Greece. Each hand doesn't even get the reference.

And it's also great. to be on a night out where my sister has met each time before. You've gotten well before, but got on too well last night. I'm throwing that out there. Why was it too well? What was happening? I don't know. It's the chemistry. It's their chemistry. Because there are a couple of moments you started getting a bit territorial.

Over, on you. Brother, one moment. Two. What did you do? When you were like, he was like, you took a picture and she went, I'll send it to Dan and then he'll send it to me. And you went, no, no, just give me a number. And I went, oh, yeah, we were you trying to fuck?

No. He's trying to fuck. He's trying to fuck my married sister. He's trying to fuck. No, but it's just, you know, she's married. She's happened to, fine. That's all fine. That wasn't what was going on.

But there is still a thing. Doesn't matter how old you are. But you're like, why are you getting my sister's number? Fuck up. But we had a great time because she's just wrong. We were dancing. And then we went on to, when we were on the way home, we found this open

a bit that people were kind of singing and dancing and we went in there but you wanted to go home and he dragged us a word Listen, we were done we'd agreed we were done

no you were done no everyone he was done everyone was done I've already paid for the cinema tomorrow I'm not ruining Rattahooie too what's you say

you're getting a kebab are we go and see Rattahooie so this is Rattatooie nice nice we've already said Schwama the words have been said

take way he's been said. Mentally, you're pissed. Did you say the word Schwama? Shwama. Is that how you deserve... He said this a few times. I've never corrected him

because I'm not confident that I'm right there. It's Schwarmer, isn't it? No, that's not my problem with it? Who doesn't say kebab? Who goes... I fancy you're swarmer. What is Shwarma?

Kind of fucking loser, is this? Chowarmah. It's because it's called Chester Shwama. Shawarma. Oh, sorry, that's how I say. Yeah. Swama.

You need the roll the arms. Should we leave this bar and get a... Shalama. Why? Chihuahua? Yeah, so I didn't want to dance in the courtyard of the commercial with a lot of fucking bell-ends. It was fun, though.

Katie now in a great time. You were just enjoying annoying me. That's what you... No, it wasn't. I was having a good time. Oh my God, we should text. Disgusting. What was he looking over at there?

I thought he's leaning in. Would you be averse of the idea of me being a brother-in-law, though? Like, if she went through a divorce, if her fellow's gone, Dan's gone. And he's called that. That's weird. in itself, by the way.

Not into that. Yeah. When she told me that, her husband was like me, ended up with a woman called Jack. It's not exactly the same. Not exactly the same.

There's other issues going on there. What's your name of? Jack. A lovely woman. Great dick. Yeah, I suppose, yeah. We grew up and there's only two siblings. And we were Daniel and Katie.

Yeah, she was mad. We were Daniel and Katie. Oh, no. No. She's what? She's moaned the word. Oh, dear. Yeah, she's moaned out your name.

No. She would have moaned out your name. Oh my God. Listen, she'll be texting you when she's pissed off about this because you've got a number now. Ah, fine. Dear, Katie, speak to Eisha. No, such a good point.

Yeah? That's... Eh! That is rank, bro. That is... Walk it off. Walk it off. Is that only just realizing you're at now?

How long have they been married? Eight years. How long have they been together? Twelve years. So at least 15 times, that's happened. Oh, God, we don't have a number on it. Have you ever slept with someone called Casey? Yeah.

Oh, have you? Good question. Yeah. One of my first girlfriends, Katie Lambert. Why do I keep bringing her up? But Faye's got to run for a body now, aren't she? God, we've got to start doing fake names. Yeah, I was with a girl called Katie Cuvuloo's.

I'm weird. Both ways, anyway. Okay, doke. Are you all right? But anyway, if she was single again? Yeah. You are like when Ishaan moving in? Yeah, how would you feel about that?

About me being? Ishan is your brother-in-law? Yeah. Fucking classmate. Brother. That would be fun, wouldn't it? You do Christmas. You do. Yeah, we do Christmas here.

Yeah, yeah. We get to do... Oh, come on. Sorry, of all the requirements, of all the requirements in the brother-in-law, do you do Christmas? Do Christmas? What the fuck?

He's not a Muslim, is he? He knows a few. He's not one. He's Muslim when it suits him. When? When does it suit me to be Muslim? Name me two situations where it suits me to be Muslim. Not airport.

No? Not the pub. Not the pub. All right, okay. Loves of bacon, busy. Genuinely, it's great. I honestly didn't know if you did the whole Christmas shebang. You know, I'm sure there's some people who've grown up in a Muslim household that don't go for it.

No, Christmas is a really big deal in our family. Like, my mum loved it. We used to have, like, full-on itineries, and people would come at the beginning of the day, and we'd have, like... But Jesus is, like, fucking up there for them, isn't he? Yeah, his vice-capsi. They're like, Jesus's classmate, but he just wasn't God's kid. What's the Muslim festival?

It's not... It's Eid. No, but hang on. There's two Eads. But is Christmas at any sort of celebration on the Muslim calendar? For the majority of Muslims, no, but on the day, they'll be like, happy birthday, Jesus. Right. Nice one.

So hang on. You marry my sister. We get to do Christmas with Eishan and also Eid with my sister. Yeah. But I don't really do Eid. But I'll do it. Which one's the one, there's one that my mum calls happy dead sheep. That's the second Eid.

Right, okay. Karbani Eid, to mark the time Abraham was about to sacrifice his son and it turned into a lamb. Is Abraham? Not Abraham, his son did. Is Abraham? That's where his lamb came from. Because I thought Abraham was like...

Old Testament, Jewish. World class. Thank you. I missed it. I'm so sorry. He said Abraham was going to sacrifice his son. And then it became a sheep. And that's where Islam comes from. Nice.

It's not my son. Islam. Islam. He's not. He's Islam. Why was he going to sacrifice him? Because God wanted, apparently God wanted to see how much Abraham loved him.

So God was like, if he loved me that much, kill your son. Surely you did that story in school. Yeah. And that's your face. You went to a Catholic school. Yeah. It's in the Bible, that story. Yeah.

No, but Catholic's the second book in it. Sacrifice in his son. That's a famous one. I've never heard this before. But there's a really good Louis C.K. bit about this. Sorry, I didn't know what you were going. Catholics, like, Christians are like, I'll read the book back to front and read it again

and get to know the Bible and Catholics are like, don't read it. I'll tell you what happened. Yeah. Like, they're very selective with the stories. I don't think there's ever been, yeah, God was like, kill your fucking son. Or you're not getting any ice cream. Like, that she never got brawl.

And Abraham was going to do it. And then his son turned into a lamb. And now we kill millions and millions of lambs and sheep and whatever to celebrate that Ead. In the Bible, though, isn't it like God just goes, only joking? And then there's no lamb involved in. Like, lamb is pretty Muslim, in it? Oh, the lamb is, in the Bible, it's not turned to a lamb? I've never heard the lamb bit.

So what, God just goes, hey, lad. Ricky Lambett. I'm kidding. I'm messing. I'm messing. I'm messing. Oh, you were going to do it as well? You must really look

Mental you Scouse Abraham Fucking a little lad The Old Testament It's vengeful in it Yeah you don't hear about any of that With a Catholic school Right

They're just like Oh yeah God was on his fucking On his period For the bit He was fucking fuming But now Everyone gets a bike You like bikes

Oh yeah It's like Oprah It is Scouse Catholicism You get a bike No that's what it is Like, it's, like, did you go to a Catholic school? Yeah.

Did you stay? So, like, it's very, very happy, positive. There's no real negative stuff that I remember at all. So where's the guilt thing come from? Because that's the... He's always watching you. Right. Be good.

Like, he's watching you right now. He died for you. Yeah. You're disgusting. I spoke about this in therapy a couple of weeks ago. So we're talking about, like, certain things that she was like, we raised, uh, with any religion. And I was like, well, technically Catholic,

but just because the best school near ours was Catholic. basically. She's like, yeah, a lot of people, even when they're not religious, carry Catholic guilt. And they don't even realize it. And there was a couple of bits once we got into it and unpacked. And I was like, oh yeah. And there was a thing. I think I had like sort of low level OCD in my teenage years, like genuinely. And one of the things I was, this is so stupid. You know, and you'd make the sign of the cross to like pray. Yeah. I'd always make it a second time. If it was in like an R.E. lesson, she was like, right, you know, sign the cross.

Because in my head, that was like hanging up the phone on God, the second one. Like, the first one's like, hello? And then if I didn't do the second one, he was listening for the rest of the day and watching me. So you were like, you... But that's not told. I made that up. In my head, the first, like, sign of the cross. And to this day now, like God's now listening. And then as soon as I do that, he gets on watching the fucking weakest link or whatever.

The first one connects, the second one's like one-four-seven-one. And the second one's just hanging up. Back on with your day, God, lad. So would you only cross yourself once? Would you, would you? It's going to be fuming. The only thing, only thing about Catholicism that I feel like I missed out on.

The fucking cross stuff. Wait, would you do the two crosses, like, one after the other? No, yeah. So. Like a Uruguayan footballer. just going on to the pictures. Yeah, so, like, let's say we're in lesson, right? And the teacher's like, right, sign of the cross now.

Yeah. And then she'd normally do it again at the end. Right. But I'd be like, I'm not having them listening to me for this whole hour. So I'd do it. And then as she turned around to write the dates on the board, I'd be like, so you kept prank calling God. Wait, you kept prank calling God.

He's like, Brum, bring your eyes. Go call it. I was just like, I'm just not. Yeah, because, like. That's so funny. Did you ever have, um, uh, sexette? Because we never had, like, we never got taught about contraception

because it was Catholic. No, we did. So I, like, I don't know how... But that's because you were in Liverpool. I think they just knew I was going to be a shagger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like... Adam, stay behind.

We need to see you three things. Hang up on God. Can I have fucking Genghis Row populating this side of the planet? Genghis Ro. Famous Lothario, Genghis Khan. Who's remembered for all the loving... I mean, lots of kids.

That's like the number one thing I know about Genghis Khan. Yeah, isn't it? We're all related to him, aren't we? Yeah, I don't think we're related to him. No, we are. I think the Asian population is really. No, Genghis Khan, you are part of his bloodline. Genghis Khan didn't bum my nan.

No. You're great, great, nan. One of your great. I went to a Church of England school. And I think I've talked about this before. I was the first Muslim choir boy in that school. But the confusing thing was, after class, after school, I'd go to mosque twice a week.

for my Arabic lessons and my first few lessons in mosque I got slapped by the Imam for first first lesson Imam said if you don't die a Muslim you go to hell I asked him what would happen to my friend Japri

who was a Sikh man and he said well if he doesn't die Muslim he'd go to hell and I burst into tears and the Imam beat the shit at me and the second fun story second fun story is it not fun and the second fun story he was talking about how gay people

would get stone to death and then I was like what happens to my uncle my mom had a friend who was gay definitely 100% and I said I'm gonna let that one slide on by

what happened no don't you keep going what happened there just keep fucking going what's his name Chinu right uncle Chinu

Uncle Chinu just keep it rolling there's only so many phone calls I need from my family in the following week from this coming out. Just keep going. Uncle Chino. I'm really scared about what's happened.

And then he said, well... You ever go on holiday with Uncle Tuna? You never gone? I didn't... No, but I met Uncle Chino on holiday when I was on holiday. Oh? Yeah. Okay.

And basically, I said, what would happen to him? And he said, well, if he doesn't stop being gay, he'll also go to hell. And then he beat me up. Could you stop being gay just before you died, though? Could you put in some good shift? I think on my deathbed, I might just be like, yeah, go ahead, sign me up, I'll do whatever you want for the rest of my life, and then fucking bang, dead.

Would you suck a dick? Why? At that point. Also, what a deathbed that is. That's not being deadbed. There you go. Pound! See you later.

Sorry about everything, God. And this that I'm about to do. Bang! Deathbed. You know, on reflection, I shouldn't have asked you all to come here to say goodbye. But sorry.

I'm going to shoot myself in three. I'm going to three, two. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Got to be prepared for that. That imam sounds like a right laugh, don't he? He was, yeah, he was mental. And then I, we also used to, in the mosque, they used to have these like, after, after religious lessons,

you'd have to have like school I guess so there was a one lesson they were like what do you want to be when you grow up and I said I want to be Sikh because you mate yeah because my mate was Sikh and his dad wore a turban and I thought terms were cool and then he beat me up

and then I went outside and three of the lads Assad I shouldn't say his name Assad and a couple of others they asked me what I said I said I want to be Sikh and then they beat me up who's a bad old day getting beaten up by the Muslim You know, why did the Imam beat you up? Yeah.

And not just be like, hey, don't do that. Because they rule by fear. Like a lot of these religious places, they try and rule by fear, don't they? They try and go, like, the guilt thing. Did you tell your mum that the Imam had slapped you? Oh. Yes. And then my mum went and spoke to the Imam in no uncertain terms.

She just walked straight into the men's area. Oh. Just walk straight in. Old Mama Akbar. Nobody's lap am at each other. Took her shoes off, though. That's good. and then walk straight in

found the Imam said right come here don't ever touch my kid again because I will fucking smack you with my shoes off still in that sense yeah yeah that's good isn't it genuine question and you haven't been on for ages and I was really desperate to avoid Ishan teaches the

boys about Islam today but here we are again my perception and I imagine a lot of uneducated Huat people's perception of Islam is that there's a lot of disrespect towards women and sort of a belittling and they're

lower than the men. So how does an Imam react in that situation to your mum, like threaten to smash his head in? Well, this is the curious thing, right? Which is that women are revered in the Quran, but the application of reverence is run by

men, right? So men kind of rule the roost. So a lot of people will credit someone called Khadija, who was the first convert to Islam, I'm the first believer. If it hadn't been for her, Islam would never have happened, really. Because the Prophet Muhammad apparently, you know, got the revelation, came down, goes up to Khadija, and he's like, yo, shit's about to get real.

His words. Yeah. And I know about God. And he's like, yeah, this sound, I believe you. Listen, Gail, I've got some news. Put that sausage roll down. You're done with them. And Khadija was like, she was older than him.

She was richer than him. She was like a trader. And she had a lot of power. and was well known. So all the revelations that came through about women what Muslims will say

is Islam was the first to give women the right to an inheritance the first to give women the right to divorce their husbands which back then in the 7th century they weren't allowed to do. So all this stuff was quite progressive

but then over the time men got in charge and they used it as a try to like you know beat them with their own rules basically. So the Quran itself is not anti-women. The Quran itself is not anti-women.

Quran is reflective of what the world thought about women in the 7th century, which is that they were stupid little bitches. It's nice to learn, isn't it? Stupid little periody bitches. Just like God in the Old Testament. Shout out, Mama Akbar. I'd love to see the CCTV footage of her fuming, but still

taking her shoes off, like, ready to fucking lay down some angry mama bear justice. My mom once almost beat up three lads when I was 18 years old on my behalf. Why? Because there were two lads. We were at the train station

going somewhere and two lads came and started like basic fucking about. And my mom was like, stop fucking about I was on smack you. They ran off, got a bigger lad, and were saying to the lad, oh, I was the problem. They're pointing at me. and they're on the other side of the train and as they were walking towards me,

my mom just stands up and she goes, where do you think you're going? And the other guy's like, you're not my problem, it's him. My mom goes, we're going to have to kill me first. That's badass. Was you on the other side of the track? Other side of the train carriage.

Oh. They've got the same train carriage. This isn't how she died, is it? Did I push her onto the carriage? On to the track. That was a high-risk joke that I regret. Did your mom ever fronked anyone for you? Was your mom, was...

Yeah, that's why she always had a knife on her. Was norm of the scrapper? Norm of the butcher. It's so good that we could bring her into this as well, you know? Because we're going round the houses, aren't we, today? Let's get the whole bloodline annoyed. Oh. No, she was also nearly a medical midget.

A little person. She wasn't even five foot. For your mother? No. Is your dad like seven foot? Yeah. who's in the NBA? Do you know if you're 7'4th,

you've got like a 90% chance of being in the NBA? We've done this. It's just absolutely not true at all. It is too. You Googled the wrong thing. He needs to watch the TikTok that he's misforgotten.

Yeah. Well, that's a new word, isn't it? You don't did it miss forgotten it. But like what's, like, because my mum was quite tomorrow. I think my mum was 5-1. Oh, flex. Yeah. But I think I've done quite well

because I'm, so my mum's 5-1. My dad's 5-7, and I'm 6-2. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't miss the garden again. No, but I'm 5-9. I'm 2 inches bigger than my dad. Yeah. Like...

Sounds graphic, but... Oh, I know for the fact I've got a bigger knob from me dad than me dad. Oh, no, you don't. What? Have I never told you this? You've got a bigger nub than your dad? Order. Yeah? Order.

What, in what context? What's that a conversation? So I, so my dad is a size seven shoe. Right. Yeah. And I'm a size like eight to nine depending on the, of course. Yeah. Which is a small foot for someone six foot too.

But, you know, he's got a great, great balance. Should we get you some new shoes, Adam? What size are you again, love? Eight or nine, depending if you're lying. Right, okay. Let's go Clarks, because they're very well made. And also, that's got a maggie dick. Yours is massive.

All right. I've had the same shoe size since I was about, I don't know, 14, 15. Right. It's just never really growing from that. And I remember saying to me, Mom, A, mom. Mom. I said, Mom. Hey, I've got bigger feet than my dad now.

Yeah. And she said, yeah, you've probably got a bigger knob as well. It's as simple as I expected it to me. My shoe size has gone down. What? Like a Japanese woman. Yeah, I used to, I, no, no, I used to be a 10. And then four years ago, nine.

I don't know what happened. Quick, it quickly went. It could have just. Yeah, suddenly. went down from 10 to 9. I didn't know that was possible. I didn't know she sizes could go down. No, I don't think they can.

Mine definitely did, 100%. Were you just buying the wrong size the whole time? I definitely used to be a size 10 and now I'm a size 9. I'm shrinking. Yeah, I went to the GP last week and they said that I'm losing a centimeter a year. Like the Amazon rate. A centimeter a year? Harry, no.

You're going to live for another 60, 70 years. That's what it says on me. You're going to be fucking tiny. Dobby. What? Your height? Yeah, apparently I'm losing a centip. Yeah, not a con.

One centimeter. I think you're like a centimeter, but also I don't, so she weighed me and she went get on the scales and she was like, do I need to take it? And she was like, no, it's fine. But I had me wallet in me, uh, in my jeans. I had my hat on. I had like a jacket on and I stood on the scales and it said I was like 85K and she was like, put on weight.

I was like, I'm fucking clobbered up to the max. Don't you dare say I'm overweight. Clobbered up to the max. Yeah. Yeah. I figured that would be your mind. She was like, back.

Can he at least put this handbill down? Yeah, she also said, oh, yeah, like the NHS app says that I'm losing a centimetre a year. There is, what?

I don't know if I trust. Where's it going? Yeah, where's it going? My posture's not good. On my life. I tell you what, this is worrying. The hotbed of Notre Dame's

last time we measured your height, you were 5 foot 8, but now you're 4 foot 3. I'm sat down. Okay. I keep making that mistake. A hunchback of bootle strand, Mason, this new house.

So I went to, I went to the cinema to watch The Naked Gun and I was on my own and I, did you have to pay a child ticket or something? At one point I went, oh, and my back gave out at the,

I was watching, I sat down to the film, my back gave out. You are fucked, like, I think I'm... Are you 24? Yeah, turn 25 in a week of... Jesus Christ!

I think I'm a... Yeah, just genetically elderly or something. It's horrible finding out you. I'm 44 and I don't know if I was just mismeasureed back in the day when they were like, you're 5'8, but I was 5, 7 and a half. So that is 26 years since I've last had my height done and I've lost half an inch and you're like, oh God.

And then my ears are going to keep growing. Your nose keeps growing. Yeah. That would have been great for you as well back in the day. It's just like I can fucking... Well, did everything get in a nose job? Yeah, I would. Yeah, I would.

because I'm worried I'm going to shrink with these, I'm going to look like Mr. Potato Head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So let's get a rhinoplasty. Does your nose grow if you had a rhinoplasty? Or does it just keep it? Do I mean? Like, if you get a nose job?

No, I think you've fucked with the foundations and it won't grow anymore. Yeah, a nice little butter nose. Can you get your ears reduced? Yeah, probably. You can get your ears pinned back. Yeah. Yeah. Gavin Nick got that, didn't he?

Yes, he did. Did he really? Yeah, Garren Nick, who got his ears pinned back. There was a guy. my school, Billy Lee got his ears pinned back as well. Oh, Billy Lee? Billy and L. Lee. Down at the mud hole!

Yeah, he got his ears pin back. In school? In school? Or like later in life? He went to a... He went to the hospital. No, yeah, but like, whilst he was in school, he got his ears. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I had a big honker of a nose, I would get the... Honger? I'd get a nose job. But my nose is one of my best features, I think. Yeah, that's what I've always thought. It's what attracted me to you as a pod to us, partner. Sometimes it can be a bit obnoxious, but God damn, that nose.

Just keeps bringing me back. Yeah. I don't think there is any judgment on getting a nose job. There are some, no judgment. There are some, you see them out in the wild on the Instagram. There's some attractive ladies and you're like, oh, that is a fucking honker that. Yeah.

Just get that. And it looks sore. That's not a fun one to go through, is it? No, no, no, no. Go for it. That's a, that's funny. If I woke up with, like, a big honker, I'd do it. Oh, if you're overnight hunker.

He's getting overnight fucking shoots out. My nose and my eyelashes are the things that women always say that are great. What else do they say is great? I don't feel like there's a few more. Penis. Yeah. I've been told repeats because I've got a really nice knob.

Apparently, I've got a really nice, like a spare second knob. I can attest to that. That's how he got the job, guys, if you're wondering. But yeah, my nose, everyone says I've got a cute little button nose, and then I've got, like, long eyelashes that make women jealous. And a vainy shaft. I suppose. Wow, Harry.

There's too much knowledge behind that comment. How'd he see me knob when he stayed in my house? Yeah. It was a big. Again, I keep on saying this. I could draw a jump man-style silhouette of Adam and his cock out. Because it was post-coitus knob. With his girlfriend, not with Harry?

Yeah. You're staying at mine. Well, I do bedtime stories a little different. Don't shrink away. My dad's got a much bigger dick than me. How'd you know? Well, once he came out of the shower

and his towel got caught in the door and I could not believe how big is cock is. And my dad's knob has been out of commission for a good, I would say, 17 years. Maybe it's just got low. of build-up in.

Maybe it's just full of com. Yeah, I don't know what it is. Embarrassingly. What's happened? Maybe it's full of con. Yeah, maybe. Maybe it's made a lot. You don't used it for 17 years.

17, 18 years. You think that. Oh, no, I know. Man's been going out. No, surely, yeah, just because he's Muslim doesn't mean he doesn't have wet dreams. Back. should get that in your kitchen.

That's the new Muslim, live, laugh, love. What has it being Muslim got to do with? He's so Muslim, he doesn't even think of... No, because it's like priests aren't meant to wank, but they still like spaff the bed sometimes. And that's fine. So if you are a priest and you've just spaffed the bed, it's the better option.

Because there's other ones and they're bad. Just because he's Muslim doesn't mean... Okay, yeah. Well, okay. What I mean is he's not had sex with anyone. Do you know that, though? Yeah, I'm pretty sure, yeah, because him and mum weren't...

They were in separate rooms. Like, Osaka's doing anything? You're away quite a lot. Yeah, you're away loads. He could be out on the town. Yeah. It's very unlikely. It's hugely unlikely.

I'd be very surprised if my dad's had. sex in the last 10 years. Why? Because he just doesn't do that. How'd you know? Have you spoke to him or else it? No. He doesn't need game.

If you think he's got no game, he might just be having, like, regular visitors with a local prostitute. Put your mind at ease. Oh, yeah. He does always have lots of cash. Maybe he's a pimp. He's always got cash in his wallet.

150 quid minimum. Is it? Yeah. Is that an old thing? Yeah, I think it's an old thing. pay for, the paper. The brass, mate? The brass house.

Do sex workers take card? They don't have to at some points, aren't they? I once got a PayPal. There's some buskers that take cards. Are surely... Yeah, buskers take cards. Busky women. I was once laughed at by a sex worker. What you mean?

Well, I couldn't get it up. I couldn't get an erection. Your penis? Yeah. Oh, I think you've told us this. Yeah. I think you've told us this one. Yeah, but tell it again.

I can't tell it again. Go on. Look it up, I'd basically... Where was this? Stag situation. Yeah. Thought we'd get one. Where was it? In Amsterdam.

Okay. And I just couldn't get it up because you started laughing at my penis. Oh, I mean, that's bad form. Because my balls are bigger than my knob when flaccid. Your eyes are bigger than your belly. What?

My balls are bigger than my knob. Like, I can use my balls and shit. As like a cradle. Uh-uh. A manger. Oh, I thought you meant like, I thought I was, I thought you, like a euphemism. Like, my balls were ready to fuck make me cock wasn't.

Oh, no, no, I literally mean my balls are bigger. Oh, you're listening to sit on top of it. When Flaccid, my, my, my, my, my, my God. My, my, my, my, my, my God. She's an Amsterdam sex worker. She has seen so many penises. And she went, p. What the fuck is that?

I mean, this is what I do for a living book. Yeah. Yeah. It was very embarrassing for me. Yeah, well, yeah. Yeah. Was this when you were, before you lost a virginity? Or was this just like a dry spell?

Just a dry spell. All right. I lost when virginity at 21. Well done. Thank you. Put the pause. The way you look to me like, really well done. Yeah.

Thank you. I'm God, it wasn't my sister. I feel like we need a break. Yeah. And apologies to everyone's family. What's happening? It's time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor. It's lovehoney.com.

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part part of four with everyone's favorite pod by Isha and Akbar we're going to do some icks

because you're dating single and dating looking for love I'm just looking for pussy to be honest with you love Love is fraught with admin, and I can't be asked, to be honest with you.

Right, well, let's do some X. Love is froat. Love is fraught with Admin. When I finished paddle this morning as we were leaving, I said to Jack, I don't even think I'm going to have a pint tonight. And I was lying. The house is nearly finished,

and now we turn to the paddle era. Everyone ready for the deed. because it's fucking coming. If you have an ick, send it in to have a word pod at gmail.com. If you send it onto Patreon because you've already signed up, you get the VIP direct line to Harry and then me.

Sam N says, I was at a wedding the other day and whenever the DJ played a song my wife requested, she gave him a double thumbs up from the dance floor. Oh, Sam, your wife, cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alive, that one. But it's also like the pointing, like you do this hand up and the point at you dancing, that's a bit weird as well isn't it like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm doing it now. That happens. I think how people treat DJs,

there is a bit of, there's potential ick there in it when someone wants a song and they just go on badger a DJ, like, I'll just fucking get on with your night. If they're obviously taking a request, then fine, get it done. But if he's not into it, just leave them along.

Would you rather they go up to the DJ and request a song or, you know, you can type up on a phone. phone and hold it up. Yeah. Would you want to do that? You go up to the DJ, you slide on my 50 pound note,

50 quid, and you say, put me tune on, man. Yeah, because you can't take meat to the nightclub. I think you should only be allowed one request a night. Yeah, because if she's on song five

of, I don't know, girls allowed or whatever, that's 10 thumbs. That's too much. Oh my God, do you remember the DJ Carl's wedding? Oh, yeah. Like, vaguely.

Yeah. You don't because you were in bed. You were in bed. You were in bed. Yeah, you were gone. I thought you remember the Pins one. Everyone, Adam has walked off into the hills of Tuscany. He's not wearing two houses.

We're either going to send out a search party. He's in the window. Is it a crime? You walking around was absolutely mental. It was mental. You were like a zombie. Yeah, but I was having a good time. You were.

You were. A pressure on me. I delivered. I did me 27 minutes speech And then I got on the aisle Have you seen Shane Gillis' sleepwalking Policeman sketch with Gillian Keyes? Yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it was that, it was that, it was that, it was that. Oh, phenomenal. The DJ was like doing mix it, and I was pissed and I was with Charlie, who's a DJ. Oh, I was being a Nick. So he's in the mix, and I was pointing out of him out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We had one of those, like, twizzly things and we were like, we were trying to predict when it would drop. Oh, you want to. to be Giuseppe's mate, really bad. To be fair, I requested a song off him, and he delivered. What was it? Candy by Cameo.

Yeah, yeah, great deal. See, what's the etiquette? I'm meant by Robbie Williams, then. What's the etiquette on this? So I requested that song, because me and Ellie knew the line dance to it. The dance, yeah. And then we started the dance to it. Is that a bit triardy?

Because we were like, we're going to dance. We're just having fun, aren't you? No, I think people who can do the candy dance is cool. That's fun. It's the coolest I've ever felt. I know we've talked about it before but the live band that they had earlier than that when they were like playing into

where we ended up dancing but no one was there, we were all just on the balcony and then they played George Ezra, Budapest and out of nowhere it just went off and it was amazing because the band were like oh shit they're dancing and they just turned sideways

and we'll just play out of this window and you could see them going wow they're really giving it to us they did the next song and I was like not ass The single was dead fit there. Oh, you were trying it, weren't you? You were giving her the eyes. You were doing some salsa dancing.

You weren't bringing her back because we were sharing. Each hand's flirting is quality. I love watching him move. Really? The girl that was, Celeste is my sister. Because you know what's affected. The waitress yesterday, you were like, oh, she's so beautiful. Oh, my God.

She's so beautiful. And when she came over and, like, he was the final one to do the payment. Oh, yeah. And she was like, are you paying on card? And he was like, oh, yeah, just tell me where you. want to put it. Just tell me where you want me

to put it. Yeah. And everyone was like, oh. God. She's just on a 23-year-old like, what?

She wasn't 23. She's like 25. Oh, five. Oh, that's got a fan. Absolutely. If you're in a night club, a situation, yeah.

Not like a uns, uncey one. Yeah, a songy one, a teddy's. A pop world. Yeah. What song?

You get one request? You're in the mood. You want to, like, go to the next level? What's the one? Well, I'm pretty, yeah, let me think. You can't pick one of your own. Yeah, I'm going to put one of the sad ones on. Oh, that is a good question.

Unwritten's an easy one, isn't it? And it's become like the hack pod one. But wherever you are, Unwritten does, and it's cross-generational. That's what you need. Yeah. It's our closure at the karaoke, isn't it? Yeah.

Because it's also linked with us because of you. and, like, it's become a bit of a podcast. You've got to do one that everyone knows the lyrics to. Boom, boom, boom. I'm going, gimme, gimme, gimme. Gimme. Yeah, that's a good one. English and relics.

I would probably go place your hands by Reef as well. Banga. Everyone knows it. How does that go? I don't know. Yes, you do. It's Harry's, it's Adam's Walk on. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my. Tell you us a great dancer, not necessarily a good singer. Begging. Yeah, it's a good one. Yeah, it's a good one. I know I danced to that from when I went to, like, theatre school. Or Crazy by... Nalbigh, yeah, that one looks like a fridge.

Nalz-Barkley. I'll tell you what, would be a good one, that, like, no one would ever pick. But I think everyone in the room of my age... Maybe sort of 30 and up would know every word, too. It's Crazy Chick by Charlotte Church. That would go off, you know. You know, if you put that on in Bobwell,

it would, like, people know. that song they know the words to me i've not thought about that song i wouldn't have been able to guess where that was going by the way that was yeah again i don't know me to insanity all the things you do make me come on glue my music knowledge is so limited unless it's like a a gravelly cowboy or like boutanese dwarfs then i don't know it you that i mean it's wild Spotify yeah i like the djs now when you book them for stuff go could you make me a playlist of the songs. And from your playlist of 40 songs

or 50 songs or whatever you give them, I'll be able to know what you want that goes in the rest of the set. So when me and Laura have an anniversary party, we've put the DJ, he's from the guy from Palm and every time we've been in there, it's great, it's like 90s,

90s, R&B, hip-hop, it's exactly what we want. And he was like, yeah, cool, just make us the Spotify's. He doesn't need you to pick every song. That 40 gives the indicator of it. But last night we ended up in this bar that was playing indie music all night

and you and your sister were loving it. Indian music? Indian music, yeah. Yeah, it was. It was a bit indie, wasn't it? It was quite... Oh, I got a guy thrown out

with my eyes. Oh, yeah. My power to get dickheads thrown out. What's going on here? He deserved it. He was a prick. He wasn't being awful. It was just in your face.

You debated him. In your face. Overfamiliar. Just like, just not... Didn't know where boundaries were. Yeah. And was doing that thing of that, and then we'd start

shout telling. you something you're like dude one i don't know you you're fucking hammered and we're dancing and he's like and he's doing that to me and i made eye contact with the bouncer and i was just doing the you can see what's going on he's obviously a bell end yeah he's not adding to this at all yeah yeah this was all going on my head i was like i can get this guy thrown out without him knowing that i'm getting him thrown out and because i was pissed i was like this is working this is working because he's obviously a pain in the ass yeah i'm not being a cunt And the bouncer kept looking at me

I was like, is it working? And then I went, oh no, it's not working because these thoughts are just in my head. He thinks this old gay dudes trying to get off with him. The bouncer is like, wow, this is weird eye contact. Bouncers is like, he's just staring at me. I went in the toilet and went,

I think I've just tried to get a guy thrown out using telekinesis. And everyone was like, oh, mad that. And then we came out and the guy started rabbit in my ear again. And then the bouncer just went, whoop, you're coming with me. Not aggressively, just went, no, mate.

He's all that. It's fucking mind powers work, mate. Just don't be a bell-end on a dance floor. Be nice to everyone. Two thumbs up at the DJ. Bradley Dunstan says, I've been chatting to this girl for a minute now, and I've just found out she has mayonnaise with her Chinese.

I'm a man who doesn't like mayo in the first place, but this is one of the most criminal things I've ever seen. Like Steve, does Nando's catch up? Oh, no, I've... Listen, Steve doesn't have a voice here, but I defends Steve. I'm full on the Nando's. I've got to be honest, but you know, I reckon, of all the people in the room,

the person he wants the defence off the least is probably you. And I'm second. I think tomato ketchup... Goes with everything? It's at... They've got it on the shelf. Where? In Nando's, there's always...

There's always Hines. Yeah. That's less offensive than whipping mayo out, mayo out on a Chinese, surely. Yeah. You can't do that at the Chinese, can you? That's got to be an at home thing. Yeah, yeah.

You're not asking. Oh, it is each of the own, but it would make me lose all respect for this woman and never speak to it again. Yeah, it's awful. What particular dish would you put the mayonnaise on? There's nothing it could possibly go on. Duck.

You know what? I don't really know about Chinese food, but Laura andetta have duck. They have the shredded duck. The shredded duck thing, that's nice. You'd like that. You'd like that. Try it. Yeah.

It looks like dirty chicken. It is dirty chicken. It is dirty chicken. It's like dirty, like, like, Dirty chicken. Dirty chicken. Now I'm going to fuck it. And the hoistin sauce.

Are we going to get to the end of this and go, do you know what? This is genius. Meadows on duck wouldn't it be bad? Yeah, that's true. As a sandwich, that would work quite well. And you do make a little sandwich with it. A little wrap.

That would work. A pan of cake. So at first, I was a bit like, no, but actually there might be some merit to it. Bradley, she's a genius. You should marry it. Are the Chinese as, like, pissy about messing with their food?

Are the Chinese is? As we are with messing with, with their food. You know what I mean? Don't like mayo on Chinese, everyone's going, oh, but are the Chinese bothered? Get them on the phone. Yeah, but...

I can't speak for China. I don't know. He won't. Not anymore. Who asks? Mr. Roe, please stop speaking for us. My name's Mr. Lowe. Sorry.

Well, you made it bad. The answer is my fellow is called Callum. All his friends call him knob cheese because they're all immature. And he wears it with pride. Yeah. I daren ask where it comes from, but it gives me the ick. I reckon she could guess.

Yeah. The chicken has to guess. The chis is normally like the, when you get stuff stuck under your foreskin, foreskin, isn't it? Smeg. Do you know about this? Smeggy cheese. Oh, you know about this?

Oh, man, I'm lacto-free down there. Do we, is everyone here circumcised? No, I'm not. You're not? Oh, yeah, do you get a smegmer if you're circumcised? I've never had noog cheese. No, where? I don't get a smigmer anyway.

He doesn't want to put it out there, but like... It's not like moss on a roof. Yeah, it's nothing... There's nowhere for it to grow, man. I mean, I don't know. It still gets sweaty down there, then it? Well, do you know, luckily,

I'm one of the bosses where you're not going to see my dick, so... Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't guarantee that. Yeah. I've seen your dick multiple times. Cheaseless. It was very cheeseless. Very cheeseless. Which is nice of you,

because I'm going vegan. Do you see my... You're going vegan? Not really. Oh, when I fell over drunk in London. I mean, I mean, you dip your balls in a lake. We've shared many hotel rooms together.

Just multiple times. I've had sex twice. Leanne doesn't say anything. She's finished. Becky says, Ick, my boyfriend wears bucket hats all the time. All the time.

Makes him look like a toddler. Yeah, it would, yeah. All the time would. Like, in a field, watch a music, you can get away with that. You can't be wearing that in the shower. I've never seen so many bucket hats.

Oasis was bucket hat. Oh, it must have been. Heavy. Because they, like, Liam was literally tweeting, wasn't he, saying, where are your bookers at? It makes me sad that I can't fit into that bit of Oasis culture because I look ill. Yeah.

Sign up at patreon.com and you can watch the most recent quiz we did where, oh, Finn did not suit that out. It's not me at my best. You look more ill than me and I was bald the whole time. Yeah. I know we're a bit shy of the 20 minutes we want today, but I need a poo so badly that I think I might throw up. Well, that's lucky.

ladies and jents we're going to call and enter the podcast on very severe medical grounds I'm going to wrap this up quickly saying we'll not do a tune this week will we quickly because the tune is it's country it's by Carl North and this is called Hard Times I've also got my gig on sale Manchester the 9th of November link is in the description London on the 8th of November also link is in the description come to my special recording on the 16th of November at top secret comedy club 16th November come to that the CCC is Saturday the 11th of September. His eyes are going.

His eyes are going. And the karaoke is on the 6th of September, Saturday to 6th. Everything's in the description if you want to go in. As coming to you right now, that big mamma's chicken has not agreed with me. But it's Saturday the 13th because that's not how dates work. I'm so sorry. Right. Good.

Enjoy. Cariochi 6th. Carl's back next week. Carl is back to stop Wing. Bye. Love you back. all for you get shorts and move

it's a sign of Lord you're gonna wake up in that light then no matter who you look for no matter who you're fine and the soul

can save you from all the change and you're fine and a hard time coming a hard time come for you because you know the things

Gee, everything you do, hard time come for you. Hard time coming. Oh, you win on that promise of silver and gold. Make it worth your wild, do as you hold. Oh, you know, you'll be down on your knee. You'll be begging, begging, begging for relief. Yeah, hard time coming, I'll hard time gone for you. Fishing all the things you hear, everything you do.

Hard time come for you. Hard time coming. Hey, get ready. All those hot. mind Yeah, it's hard It's hard time for me. Hard time come for you

Missing all the things you hear everything you do Got a hard time come in a hard time come for you Guess you know to be in to you everything you do Hard time come for you Hard time come Oh, baby, run all those hot times.