Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #346 with Phil Ellis - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: September 14, 2025

Tickets for the ARENA SHOW, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comFinn's Manchester & London Tickets: https://bio.to/FinnlayKAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsors:Hello Fresh | https://www.hellofresh.co.uk/HAVEAWORD50Go to https://www.hellofresh.co.uk/HAVEAWORD50 to enjoy an exclusive offer of 50% off your first box, along with a 20% discount for the following one month plus free desserts for life.Saily | https://saily.com/Download SAILY in your app store and use our code HAVEAWORD at checkout to get an exclusive 15% off your first purchase or go to https://saily.com/haveaword 🌍Lovehoney | https://lovehoney.co/word_podcastLove how you love and take 20% off site wide to unlock sexual happiness and discover a happier you with promo code: AFF-WORD20Manscaped | https://manscaped.com20% off with promo code: WORD20NordVPN | https://nordvpn.com/haveawordEXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guaranteeMerch:https://haveawordpod.comADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Have a Word podcast. I'm here with my good friend and business partner Carl. And my God, we've achieved a lot on this podcast in the last five and a half years. Oh, it doesn't get any bigger than this. We are back with a podcast live show at the arena in Liverpool. On Saturday, the 20th of December, it's going to be a podcast extravaganza. Stand up in the first half, booze in the break. And then we have a podcast live show.

We have essentially a party. If you were there three years ago, you know how good it gets. It's just a celebration of everything. Have a word. Are you excited about this car? I'm so excited because the names you've got lined up are going to change how you view podcasts, mates. How have they got him? How have they got him?

How have they got them? Yeah. It's going to be an amazing podcast party right before Christmas. It will be the last thing you do just before Christmas. And then you shut it down for Christmas Gooch and New Year's Eve. Imagine this for one second. I love the Haveaway podcast. Wow, I love them, boys.

I've watched it for five years. Wow. I'm going to give it a miss out of the arena. It's not for me. January comes. Everyone's going. They just hear about the arena. Can you bleep?

You don't know a thing, mate. You don't know a loop. No one even likes you anymore. So, you can get... Don't be that guy or girl. Buy a ticket. Ticket. Live Nation.

And also... Haveawaypod.com. Yeah, that's the one. Go to our website. And also sign up to the Patreon. Patreon. patreon.com slash have a word pod for the biggest patron in the UK and one of the biggest in the world. That's ours. Don't be the guy who goes, I didn't go because I went shopping instead.

Silly Billy. That was a really good pre-roll. Cheers, me. He did really well there. You were great on today's episode. As ever. Thank you. It was a great episode with insert name. Don't you agree? I love insert name. Yeah. Enjoy. Wagwaglids, you're listening to the funniest podcast in the game From the Heart of Liverpool with Adam, Dan, Sensei Carl and Finn This is the one and only have a word Brought to you by Monscape

The Very Best Product on the Market for Below the Waste Grum Go, Ed, get on me You normal bastard Okay, that's a weird start three pods in a row three days in a row and I am feeling fresh as a fucking daisy let's go for five

that's what a month off will do the pod baby had his first day at school today the pod baby I mean he was announced the pregnancy that is Jack Nightingale was announced on the pod he's...

Oh I see but you've never called him that before have you I know he's weird time to just give someone a new name you know It's like the nation's princess isn't he You're his dad That's what I'm trying to get around to say The pods baby there

How did he do it? It really badly. That went as wrong as you could possibly he booted off compared to four years ago when Hector was like this is where I'm going?

Sound, see you later. Bo-p-da-bo-bo-boo. And it was all exactly how you want very first day of school to go. Jack went, nah, fuck this. He's got his raincoat on, didn't want that on.

He said to Laura, I don't want to wear that every day. I was like, well, buckle up, motherfucker because it's uniform till the late 20-30s. Oh, I didn't like that at all. That happened to me.

I said to that before, after my first day, I kicked off as bad as that. I had a good day. And came up, mum went, told you that was good. I was like,

that was great. Do I have to go back? And she went, for many years. And then I kicked off. I actually didn't soften the pill at all. Yeah, for fucking ages.

Do you know what I have just thought on for the first time? You just said, like, I'm as dad. And obviously, I'm not. You are as dad. I'm almost sure. etter looks like me

Jack looks like Laura's sister so what go on yeah etter looks like you and Jack looks a lot like Laura though I actually think they both look like both of them I see that's crazy that um here's the thing like you you got Laura up to duff

after the pod started didn't you she wasn't pregnant just hanging out with you just got me so horny well that but also like so thank you without the pod Jack wouldn't be Jack Oh, yeah. Because it would have been a different come.

Oh, yeah, either look different. Yeah? It'd have been like 6-2, no. Hang on. But, well, what's the, how does the pod affect the come? Because, like, life's different. You wouldn't have been coming that day. Have you ever heard the phrase,

turn a different corner we never would have met? Yeah. Well, start a different part. You might not have come at that exact second. You might have been in Cleethorpe's that day and not come. I was, that was the lockdown. It would have been weird. When did you, when was the, when was the,

when was the, when was the, when was the, when was the, when was the, when was the, fuck so i'm gone if he was born april 21 then what we're talking like may no no no summer july july it was like the class lockdown one no it was like when we were building the studio you've gone home for from a long day of building and gone bend over gale take this and then you've had a kid that's how we did you get pregnant from behind i also told you come get pregnant from beyond no you can't

You can't get pregnant in the ass. Yeah, there you go. It depends if you're concentrating on your aim. Yeah, I was watching your dad. Did she do wallpaper? I was like, fuck, Laura's getting it. Yeah, that's mad. Like, he might not be, he might have a different air color.

He might have, you know, a different air. Might be called, like, Ian. Yeah. Or Lucifer. Lawrence. Yeah. Ian, Lucifer Lawrence, Knight, again. Thank God.

I'd still be in Cleethorpe's, probably. I mean, that would be the first visit, but I'd still be there. Yeah, interesting theory. Yeah. It would have been a different jizz, wouldn't it? Yeah, I wonder how much difference. Do you know what I mean?

Loads, otherwise Essor and Jack would be identical, wouldn't they? Well, no, but I mean, there's not, no, hang on, there's a limit of how much difference. Like, oh, sorry, I banged you the next day, it was a different jizz, and now you're a Korean lady. Oh, yeah. Well, it depends whether you were in Korea. Yeah, how old Laura was career?

If you were in Korea when Laura went into Labor, then you would have a Korean child? No, but I mean, I'm talking about, you know, in... Ethnically. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Slightly less ginger or full Korean. My balls are a magical little pocket on it.

Like revels? They really are. So thanks, thanks for my little ginger crying baby. Do you reckon the conception lines up with a specific episode? Someone I worked that out. Yeah, you recorded like with Larry Dean and I was like, and then went a bummed. So then Larry's caused the baby.

So he came, he was a month early. Are you saying Larry Dean inspired Bumman because he's a gay man? Well, I'll work out what day. It could have been Hal Cruttonton then. So she was eight months. He came a month early and his birthday's April Fills. So what's the, working for that backwards in nine months. That's July.

Back to April, back to March, back to February, back to January, back to December, back to November, back to October, back to September, back to August. end of July, August 2020, 2020? Yeah, 2020. Do you know the specific bong? It wouldn't have been video then. Do you mean?

Yeah, it would. I thought that's started in September. No, we got this in July. Yeah, August. All right. Might's been the first, like, it might's been the first ever. Maybe that just got your proper hype, the cameras.

Just seeing the cameras. Just Adam editing for that month got me horny. Didn't get me horny when he was teaching me. Are you just, are you just hoping he comes back? from skills day and goes claster sorry i cried his mates are there from preschool like it should be fine he's he's he's not a big cry i've been justin morose i've been just a morose nothing gets me more hony that's mad that justin was one of the very first guests um yeah i'm hoping he just walks out going oh that was sound have you thought about using them for a bit of extra

cash selling him no because now he can sell in school oh yeah you could have load this bag with 20 quid extra for you a week. Yeah. I think we've got to get over the crying at the door and having the teacher pick him up and bring him in. The thing is, I know you're upset, but we've got money to make here, kid. Fucking whispers.

That's the perfect cover, isn't it? Like, if there's like a kid in school selling drugs or whatever, they're not going to look at the one crying every day at the school gate. Exactly. I'm like, he's not a drug dealer. He's a little winger.

He's also four. But that's how they started, isn't it? Now we work up from crunchies, but you can make a little bit of dough on the side there. Well, he's the expert in there, isn't it? Cabri lines. Yeah, it was VAT registered at 11. Cabri lines. Yeah.

Deserved more. It was good. I'm in my oversized button-up shirt here. Ah, bounty lines, Steve said, sorry. Steve's upgraded it. Well done. You're in your button-up shirt either? My oversized button-up shirt here,

and you leave the top two undone and the bottom one up done and then you feel all cool. Does that work for the paddalae or are they separate things? Oh, totally separate. You don't paddle in a button-up shirt. You're on your eras tour. Yeah.

There's loads of eras. Like when he needs the toilet, he's going... I'm in my shoes... I'm in my shoes. You've always wore shoes. No, but like shoes. Like, clerks. They're Aemly on door, derbies.

TK. Max. But you've been in the leather shoes era for a while, Adam. Yeah, but it's awesome. You're announcing new eras when the era already exists. I haven't worn these shoes all summer apart from one formal occasion. Come on, Dan. It's like I'm not following you.

I'm just very excited. It's raining today and it's like 14 degrees. It's class. Autumn's properly announced itself as like, yeah, that is the end. First of September, it was like, right, that's the end of that.

Because it's been a good summer. Weather-wise, it's been great. Hell of a summer. September. Straight in. Well, the first two weeks of September are still meant to be a bit summer aren't it?

The first three weeks of September are actually summer and I call bullshit. Give me that awesome. them, baby, I want them leaves on the ground. Oh, you're not like it. Because you get seasonal depression, so you're going to be sad for six in the summer. Yeah, yeah.

But I just prefer the sun. Why wouldn't, why wouldn't you prefer it going dark at 10 o'clock? I love when I'm getting ready and I'm sweating. Oh. Why are you sweating? Because it's hot. Why is you? Why?

I have a fan on you. What? I have a fan on you and you're not as hot. It's pretty straightforward. It's that hot for about four days of the summer. No, it's been this sticky summer. And the thing is you're right. autumn is nice, but winter's

just there like, oh, it's got Christmas in it! Winter's outrageously go back January sucked. Take Christmas out of winter and it is absolute gash. It isn't? It's so sick. Yeah, but the thing is Christmas is, ain't it? Yeah, it's Christmas smithmas.

Yeah, take the chocolate, I have a chocolate bad, shite. Sounded Jewish. Do you not like Christmas? Yeah, it's fine. I think Christmas is a lot more fun with kids. Four kids. You've got four kids. He's stealing kids for Christmas.

Fucking bar-blower. No, I mean, like, when I go to my mate's house, or if I see Etta and Jack, then Christmas is great. When it's just four adults in a house eating dinner silently, that might just be my house. I think there is a little phase.

There is a bit of a phase that you go through. I remember being in my 20s, and I still enjoy Christmas. I've always liked Christmas. But you do, you're an adult, and then you're still doing the things. that you've been doing as a kid and I remember being

my dad and stepmums with my sister. I'll tell you, like, I keep that going. As soon as my sister had Charlie, my nephew,

Christmas got way more fun again. Yeah, because you get to relive it through them again. So it does go through a little bit of a law where you're like, I know, I haven't allowed that. If you're telling me

that Christmas is going to get better again when I have kids, means, oh, absolutely. Oh, well better. It's already the best. Yeah.

Is it as good as when you were a kid? I genuinely think it's better. I'm going over a pint now. What? Wow. Waking up on Christmas, I'm in a kid. I still get up early.

I still do me the same tradition. I understand you still enjoy it. If you're telling me, you get the same level of excitement and endorphins that you did as a 10-year-old on Christmas. I think that's borderline and it's cute, but it's sort of like teetering towards mental illness because that was the greatest day.

When you're a kid, oh my God, we woke up, we had a little routine. It was fucking amazing. That does loosen off a little in your teenage years. Yeah, but like other parts of the Christmas sort of replace it.

Yeah. Like, it's not the same. It's not the same. Oh, he's been. I'm not a fucking idiot. I know he hasn't been. Yeah, but you're also, get to the go to the pub,

and do all the time. Do you know what I mean? Like, I get it. Christmas at the pub's fun, but you're like, and finally, we're allowed in pokes. We're not allowed any other time of the year. It's Christmas.

No, it's different because they have a tree up on deckies that? I mean, it's still good. Yesterday. So yesterday I went and played paddle, right? And then it went for a post-paddle pint, which is trademark pattern pendant.

Poundant of that didn't end up with a racist word was amazing. More peas than Bondi? And I went it. I went straight to lane and we were sat on Lark Lane having a pint outside, even though it's seven miles from where I live. And I went in the pub to go for a wee

and the fires were on. Oh, mate. Fires on in the pub, mate. Sebed deembre! Yeah. You can't tell me it's not class. October's the best. You can love summer.

I love summer. I love the first few bright days where you're like, oh my God, beer garden weather. But it's time to go from having a lovely pint in a beer garden to go and to have a lovely pint in a cozy little pub with the fire on. So if, honestly, if a pub has got a fire on, How are we in still an official summer? Can we, is it, who runs the time?

Is it Greenwich? Greenwich. Who's in charge? Who's in charge of seasons? Because it needs to be changed. June, July, August, that is summer. September, October, November, that's autumn. There's no borders, is there?

Like, if the clock's change, isn't it? No, it's the official. Isn't that when the clocks change? No. Is British summer time start with the clock's change? No, no, no. So, uh, spring, first of March to 31st, of May.

Not true. I mean, factually, it's true. So June is summer. Oh, it's the 21st? I'm telling you what the Met Office says. Okay. Spring will always start on the 1st March, ending on the 31st of May.

Summer is June, July, August. Autumn is September, October, November. Wow. Well, I've been running off the... I thought of September. But that's the Equinox, isn't it? That's the longest thing. Oh, so it is...

It is awesome now. Thank you, Greenwich. Thank you for sorting it. Thank you. Do you reckon if Greenwich, because they run the world time, they're the official thing. They invented time.

That's just the zero, isn't it? Huh? Gerench is just the zero. Yeah, because they invented it. Yeah. It's where the first clock is. Is it? I don't know.

I believe you. No, there is like the time is in Greenwich, isn't it? It's the clock. It's a geography, isn't it? It's just the zero. There's a reason it's there, surely. Surely. Isn't just a big naval base or something in Greenwich?

Yeah, surely it's a big naval base or something in Greenwich. Yeah, surely it's, because of where it is rather than... I think it was because of what was there rather than where it is. I think there was a... It's when the sun crosses the prime meridian at the Royal Observatory Greenwich.

The Royal Observatory. No, but it's because the Royal Observatory's there. Oh, to the way down. Yeah, they didn't go, that's where the... I think that's just where... Is that right? Yeah, right.

Isn't it mad that, like... Grenich and Apple and, like, Android could just gas lights us all whenever they want. They could change it by two minutes and not tell us. No one. Yeah, they could do that every day and we'd just lose days. We are losing days.

Apparently that happened in a century ago because of a... What? We are losing time. The Earth slowing down very, very slightly. The earthquake in Japan in 2011, whatever it was, changed time because it shifted the axis of the Earth. Ever so slightly? Yeah, it changed time forever. But you'll know about it in like 20 years when it's snowing in July?

No, you'll know about it in probably like 10,000 years when you've, lost a second like it's that right okay well then I'm all right well that doesn't count but if they change to buy half an hour today and obviously the leap year fucking hell that's gone quick that's all we do and then we just crack on wouldn't we the leap year is the readjusting because the 365 days a year doesn't work perfectly yeah it's 365 and a quarter right that's why I love the feeling of when it's winter and you go fucking hell mate start outside the clocks have changed it's about half two in the afternoon it's the best feeling in the world it got yeah it goes it's It's really bad for the mental health of 9 to 5, isn't it?

Yeah, because it's dark to dark. Yeah, they go into a building when it's dark and they come out when it's dark and they're only three times in the dark. Yeah, but sort of the finish, like all of the time, don't they? There's no finish. Yeah, but if you live in Northern Finland,

fuck off. When it's like, oh, we don't, we have, it says a sun all the summer and it is dark in all the winter. Like, well, it's your fault for living in Northern Norway, you lizard. They've moved. You were in Finland the minute ago.

Same shit. And Iceland as well. But not all Scandinavia. Thank you for your pedantry. I went to Iceland at that time. We had to have blackout curtains in the hotel because it was just light all the time. That was weird.

Shout out blackout curtains. Wherever you live. No, dangerous. They're dangerous. They're good in a hotel when you're having a break. Yeah. And you've gone, do you know what? I just want to sleep tomorrow.

We pulled them down on an Aldi, not knowing the or blackout. And we... Slect for three days. When you wake up, you like... can, though. It must be three in the morning and it's half nine

and everyone's in work. It's the weirdest feeling. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like black of curtains. I've got Venetian blinds so they let like the tiniest bit of lighting. Perfect. Can't recommend them enough.

We're in his Venetian blinds era. Liverpool Venetianblinds.com. Do you reckon? It's an organisation. Surely an invention in the future will be like timed blinds. They exist. Oh, do it?

They're very, very rich people have them. I'm not seeing them. Do you know like, Do you know, like, as the sun rises, literally open? Yeah, like a smart home. That's all the day of thing. It's also not blinds.

It's just glass, isn't it? You can get that as well. The glass goes from perfectly, what's the word, not opaque? What's the, when you can lose, and then they just darken completely. There's also enough. They're on planes, aren't they?

There's also another type of timed blinds, which is a hundred metre race during the Paralympics. Of blind people. Nice. That's what we do. Facts and the comedy. But everyone was listening to go, is there? Oh, it's a bit.

Is there a blind race at the Paralympics? Yeah, surely. That's one of the disabilities. They're blind skiing. How do they know when to turn? I think it's probably all straight lines, isn't it? The blind... The 10,000 meters, the tracks are nightmare.

The blind 100 metres sprint world record is 10.92 seconds. Set by American Paralympian David Brown. Right. And his mate, who has to... to be able to run that quick as well because they're tied together. Is that right? Is it one of them?

No, do they have a dog, do they? You're thinking of the egg and spoon raised on? No, he's tied to another fella. So we... That's bollards. He's got a guide fella. Oh, he's just touching them. Basically going, yeah, you don't like...

No, no, they're attached by the arm. And they're one second slower than Usain Bolt. Yeah, too bad. They're faster than Usain Bolt. Yeah, I don't think they just go, listen, I'm running the blind Paralympic 100 metres. what you're doing on Tuesday, Jeff? It's like,

I think it's another... Just put bells in the shoes or something? So, so they're just doing really fast jingle bells. I've got the idea, I don't know what I mean? The bells then move with them, so even if they turn...

All right, have someone at the end, shaking the bells, run towards the bells. It's like a baby race. And they're all going to crash into each other. No different bells. Ah!

Your, listen, your bell is a G, run to the F. They're very good musical here. It's because the senses are heightened. They have her blind, downhill slal, at the winter Paralympics and they'll go down with someone but sometimes they just

won't turn when they're meant to and they'll just go like can't see yeah it seems hard like dead hard there's no sport made easier by being blind uh listen that's sport feeling is there any no show there isn't is there any any any sport that you darts maybe how can darts pause well darts is sort of muscle memory in it yeah like You can throw a dark where you want to go without looking as long as you've got the... Hang on. No, as long as you've got the action.

No, you're absolutely... I reckon if Luke Littler stood at the podium, what is it? Ocky. He'd be better without vision. No, not saying he'd be better, but I reckon he could hit a few treble 20s with his eyes closed. Oh, absolutely.

But once, one's off, being able to go, I just need to readjust that a little bit. He's a big help. Steve's just said breakdancing. And you can dance like no one's watching because you don't know if anyone's watching you. Oh, yeah. Thank you,

yeah. I'd be the longest callback in podcasting. Snoo could it be hard? You shouldn't know what colour balls, you didn't? I reckon most of them. I'd honestly have bells.

You just want jingle bells everywhere. Red balls. You're so happy as winter. Bells. So, so here's the thing, right, you're, just to go back to the autumn thing,

you are a dad, yeah, got a couple of kids. So why aren't you excited? Surely the summer's a nightmare, because you've got them all the time. Now you've just got the good, sick thing coming up. There is that.

Summer holidays are a lot just childcare-wise. They also, it is nice to be back in a routine. Brilliant being a parent. Also, great, giving them to someone for six hours a day. So you get a little bit of breathing space. I love Christmas. Christmas is a few weeks run up. It's a little bit of time off.

There's then two, three months. months after it that I think is one of the worst bits of the year. And I get, there's those lovely, like, crisp days when it's cold and it's nice, but it's also the dreary, the cold, rain, the stuff you can't do. I love that. Again, it's not like I'm suicidal. I don't hate it to the point where I'm leaving the country. A joyous Christmas with my family doesn't, or, like, it's still nice. I still think the middle of that start of the year when you're in January, February, feels fucking grim. But if you truly ate it that much,

why don't you take the kids to like Tenerife for January and February? Yeah. Oh, you can't. Oh, thank you guys. Cool. I'll have a little, I'll have a little early year break.

I mean, we could come and school them. Yeah, the football. Are we moving the pod to Tenerife? I reckon. For January, February. Like, if you're worried about their schooling and their education, we could all pick us some slack.

Carl's taught before. I'll do English. He's taught before. So you can do Spanish. can do maths as long as they're not fucking thick. Yeah. I could do Welsh. Oh, well, that's... No, you can't. Let's do it.

I could... I could get by. I just need to revise. Have you ever thought about homeschooling them? Yeah, we have, yeah. Really? For about 0.3 seconds. And they're like, we'll be fine. But obviously, it takes a village to raise a child.

Yeah. And you're my village. So... But, like, are you not worried that the school curriculum's getting a bit outdated? because I've thought about this five stars having kids like would I trust them in the hands of the government because I don't necessarily... Okay.

That's so weird. It doesn't feel like you're giving them to the government but I understand, right, okay. Well, the government like sort of sets the curriculum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and the curriculum, you know, why do my kids need to learn what fucking Oxbow lakes are

but they're not getting taught, like, financial advice? As you said to the teacher. What? As you said government, the UK government, text me. Saying what? Stop talking. On the September 7th, we will be testing emergency alerts.

Oh, yeah. They've only told people on the motorway, like that. Yeah. One of those, isn't it? Yeah, one of them are, if you don't know, you think the world's ended. You don't like Russia, Dan. As what I said to the teacher,

as Jack was bawling his eyes out this morning and she had to pick him up, I went, excuse me, miss, are you going to teach him about crypto today? It doesn't have to be crypto. How to fill in a tax return? The thing is, though, how to apply for credit if you are in the lower bands?

How to find a subprime loan provider? How to get someone to tow your car If you don't tax it and you leave it on a MOTE Then you've got to get it to a gather. In 15 years he'll be going to uni Or like maybe he'll have gone. I hope he doesn't cry for that as well. So he needs to learn how to do that rather than, yeah.

You're going to go, oh yeah, Oxbow lakes. Yeah, the thing is about not being able to read. You don't really need to learn how to go to uni. No, but we've got to do some basics here, I like it. I love subprime mortgages, which I don't fully understand. Fine. I think getting the ABCs down. What I mean is in school, they need to be learning about things like money and using it.

Because when you get to uni, like, I'm a millionaire and you're not. Yeah. But he's learning not to draw a fucking lake. I thought we were talking about more like the few, like, I get what Adam's saying, but I was thinking more like lessons in like AI and podcasting. Yeah, that. And also, like... Podcasting.

It is the thing as well. Like, you've got to really be ony with like teaching them life stuff. Like, I've spoke about this in therapy, actually. But, like, my mum, God rest their soul, just want to, because she was an alcoholic, I think she tried to make up for being an alcoholic by doing fucking everything for us. If we could literally be sat watching the telly and I could go, this is like mental, but I'd go, mom, I want a drink, I want a Vimto. And she'd make a Cordial Vimto and bring us her. Like, she did everything. Like, if we were getting a bath, she ran the bath.

If, like, we were getting ready for school, she got our uniform ready and put it there. How old were you? Like, literally in high school? Until we left at a house at, like, 17. And, like, now, I don't know anything. Like, how to be a person, really. Like, in my house, like, the builders come round and they'll ask something, like, my mum and dad have just never taught me.

Where's your stop cock? I was thinking of stopcock. Where's your stopcok? How's you turn the boiling off? Where's your gas feed? I don't know, Billy. I know where my stopcock is, but you know there's a flood my house?

You could give me the stopcock. I don't know what I'm doing with it. Do you put the stock in the hole? I've owned a house for six years. I have no idea where the stopcock is. Mine's out to have me front door, annoyingly. Because you got shown by a man. I got shown by the man who used to live there.

Right. But he's a stopcock, and I went, okay. So, just to check, I'm pulling him out of school from this point on. He's at home. I'm teaching about subprime mortgages, stop cocks. I'm never making him a vimpto. He's running his own bath, and he's what, getting a part-time job? He needs to be autonomous?

Part-time job at B&Q. Coding? Right. Yeah. This is great. Because, you know, industries are dying. AI. Podcasting.

AI. Yeah. What does you want to do? Exactly. Get him to a counsellor. What do you want to do? Has he not the side of the job? And then we're going to talk about all the same careers.

Have you never been so. You know, it's not that important. Hang on. Can I just say? I don't know. If anything, I'm an expert in wiping me ass. I do it more often than any is. Has he not suggested,

talked about any careers that he's been thinking about. Koreans. Yeah, he wants to be Korean. He wants to be the other Giz, but never made it. Then he'd no AI. If he had to pick a career right now, what do you think he'd pick? K-pop artists. Sung-Kong-min.

He'd go astronaut, wouldn't he? Would he? He'd be a Spider-Man in Paris name, wouldn't he? He'd be a Spider-Man. I think it'd be a paleontologist. Yeah. Big friends. He like talking about dinosaurs to me. in Harry. Oh, he's definitely

got the dynotism. Do you all of it? Don't he at that age? I mean, Jack, a little more than the average. Oh, right. He's a little Ross gather? Maybe you're being,

parent or he's a great career to go into? I think is, though it's getting less, isn't it? What? There's not, like, as time goes on, there's less things to find

because there's no more dinosaurs. So that's a... Well, that's what you think. That would not have just not been digging hard enough. Right. And also, they might not be put together, right? Because back in the day,

they weren't putting them together right and they were like mashing bones. There was a lad I grew up but who was desperate to be an archaeologist. He didn't end up being an archaeologist like. He's working. The end. But he works on site, so it's close.

He went to prison. There you go. But he was good at digging tunnels so he's not in anymore. He's out. If your kids in 10 years time came up to you and was like, I want to be,

I want to follow in your foot steps and be a stand-up comedian, Daddy, would you, would you encourage that or would you kind of go, hey, Etta becomes the next Elliot Steele. Ruel. I'd be for sign with it, and also, help her get in. It's an all right job. Nepotism. I imagine if she's shit, though.

She won't be, or will she? I don't like hack comics. I don't want a fucking hack daughter. I want to live with one. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, I've written a new bit. Can you give me any tags? Oh, no, you can't, actually. What, you know when you were a kid?

Yeah. Like when you were, how old's at her? 14. It feels like it. What did you, if you had to pick your career, then what would it be in? Radio DJ. Fuck off. Radio DJ.

I suppose there wasn't tellies back then, wasn't it? There was no tellies. I want to be on the Wailish. What? Broken out. Who was your heroes then? Was it like Tony Blackburn? Tony Blackburn.

It's got to be Tony Blasbane. Mark and Lard. I love Mark and Lard. They're still going. It was so good. Are they? When they got the Radio One breakfast show, it was such a fucking shock. Jimmy Savo, he spent the disc back then, won't he?

Well, in the late 90s. No, he was just doing charity work and touching. Can it still be called Charity Work now? Yeah, he still raised money for charity, didn't he? No, but like it was, that was his inn, wasn't he? isn't he? Oh, but he raised

millions. Millions. And also abused. Millions. Yeah. But Mark and Lard were good.

And they didn't sexually assault anyone. Who's large? You know of. What about you, Finn? What would you have been?

I wanted to be an actor until I was like 18. Really? Yeah. Until just before he was your idol? Uh,

I like... Tell us who because I can tell there's a little smirk there. It was, it was a, watching Eddie Redmayn be Stephen Hawking. Oh, always with the disabled.

No, but that's what, yeah, that was it. Was that going to be your specialism? Well, I had to write like a... My GCC drama, you had to write an accompanying piece, so I had to watch my left foot and, like, analyze what Daniel Day Lewis had been doing. And he was, like, pissing himself and shitting himself and then going, right, pick me up.

So that's what I was... Leonardo DiCaprio in What's Heet and Gilbert Great. Yeah. Phenomenal performance. Yeah. A special performance. I didn't just do that. Rain Man?

I could do other things. But you just didn't want to. Welsh or Scottish. You should have been Welsh disabled. Yeah, I played a schizophrenic. That was fun. What was 14-year-old Carl? What did you want to do?

Or 8-year-old? Are we doing 8-year-old? I'm just like, I'm interested in like the first thing you remember clinging to. I think it would be a teacher. Was it? Yeah. really yeah and that that stayed with me until until you were a teacher yeah but like do you want to be a journalist as well yeah yeah that was when i got a bit

kind of lost with what i wanted to do with anything that was fleeting wasn't it that was like sort of six four me times you know what if i look back i wanted to be a journalist at that point more than i wanted to be a teacher ever yeah i was like this is actually a cool place to go into it like you know there's a big world of journalism and then i got in there what kind of journalism did you want to do like war zones or like celebrity paparazzi stuff they're the only lane you're going to really uh i want to like invest they get to have oh yeah but then i realize it's a real problem if you can't say the word that you very rarely get the job you've got i mean harry look at you you've just got to be a bad person

what about you what about you adam i want to be an accountant some sexy little fuck is like i know that sounds mad right but like in interviews where i've talked about like stand-up whenever it's been, like, sort of extensive. The honest truth is, right? So when I was really, really little, my, uh, my mum was so worried that I would get bullied for me eye. Like, it bothered her more than it bothered me, I think, like the anxiety around it. And she would, like, if you look at pictures of me from when I'm very young,

I'm like, my hair cut always had like a fringe to hear. Right. And her attitude was, well, if your fringe is low, it won't, but is obvious. That's how she's also looked at it. And again, she's trying to be protective. It's probably quite damaging parent. Not that she knew that.

But like, I think a lot of parents were just guessing, weren't they? They didn't have the information that we do now. Absolutely. But what that teaches a child, essentially, according to my therapist, is there's something wrong with you.

Like, we've got to fix it, and it's all going to be fine, and I love you. But there's something wrong that we have to fix. That sort of gets drummed into her kid, you know what I mean? But because of that, I was quite sheltered and she didn't,

like, I didn't overly socialised until I was sort of four or five after I'd had all the operations. So what my mum used to do for me, and I've always been a bit of a show-off with anything I'm good at. I hyperfixates on anything I'm good at, and if I'm not good at it, I just throw it away. So even in school, like I was really good at English,

but I wasn't the best in the class, so I wasn't asked. And then at GCSEA, I got an A and at A-star in English across the language and literacy split a bit. But I was, ah, I just, because I, because like, Carl was better at me, better than me at English. And it was four or five in the class that were better than me at it. I wasn't interested.

Whereas maths, I was like, oh, I'm better than all of you. I want to do this. With stand-up, immediately, everyone in my year group, I felt like I was better than them. Like, I was just like, I'm going to fucking commit all in to this.

So when I was a kid, I'm probably something that helped me get even better at maths and get, like, mental arithmetic really good, is when I was quite sheltered with me, mum had me on her own. I would ask her to do me a page of sums and I would fill them in and answer them and give her them and she'd mark them

and that was sort of my very first way of like showing off of like look how good I am at doing it. You want the feedback of your good? Yeah. And that's what you were good at. And then I went to school and in the first few weeks of reception so Josh, if I got a match with now

who's one of my best mate and literally my oldest mate, both of us had our parents called in. and we were removed from the class and it was A, they're too good mathematics to do the same stuff the rest of the classes. It's just a waste of time for them to be doing this stuff. So it was drilled into me really young, you're great at this, do this sort of thing.

And because of that, you then get to sort of 8, 9, 10 and you're getting better and better and better. And I was always a cut above the whole class when it came to Matt. at every year group no one ever caught up and eventually towards the like

sort of six form times I probably pulled a little bit away from Josh not loads but like there was times when Josh Ryan and other people in my maths class at six form would be like Adam is this right like they'd check stuff with me and it was drilled into me from about

as soon as I understood what an accountant was and like that was like the job that you would get if you were great at maths which actually isn't true but it's the first thought that my parents who didn't really know what they were talking about

had, they drilled into me you're great at match you're going to be an accountant so I sort of repeated that and was like I'm going to be an accountant and my parents were like accountant saying good money if you become an accountant

you'll be earning loads of money so I was like I'm going to earn loads of money I'm going to be an accountant and it was only when I got to uni and actually sort of I'd already started to stand up which was a big help but I actually thought

for a second would I enjoy that and I remember I remember doing, I did work experience for a week in an accountant on Eaton Road. Is it John Cares or something like that? And I fucking hated it. But I wasn't doing accountancy. They were making me make tea in photocopy and shit.

So I was like, I hated that. And then this. And by that point, I'd realise the actual thing to become with a decent maths degree would be an actuary, which is people figuring out how much someone should pay for an insurance premium so that the company always makes money. If you get a really good math degree and you excel in it, there's so many jobs that aren't the accountancy. Like, there's loads you can do with it.

It depends what your sort of master's in. So your undergraduate degree of mathematics, you could be an accountant or an actuary or whatever, and you would choose actuary there. And the other option there is Matt's teacher. They're pretty much, like, they're the three things. If you're your master's or you do an undergraduate degree. Films have lied to me then.

Well, you can go into the science side, then use science. Yeah, so you can go into the end. engineering and stuff like that, but like that is then a separate sort of postgrad degree. Good that you did the work experience. Absolutely. So at that point I was like, right, would I be happy being an actuary? No. Would I be happy being a maths teacher?

No. And I'm a year into stand up. And that's what made me drop out. It was only at 19 that for the first time ever I actually thought this thing I've said I want to for 10 years since I was a literal child since I was at his age do I or have I just been told that's what I want to be and then I went

oh I hate the idea and that's why I dropped out to union just through everything. I went and did work experience at Rock FM in Preston BBC Radio Lancashire in Blackburn and one in Blackpool called Radio Wave and by the time I'd done all of those three I was like I don't want to work in radio it looked fucking dire

repetitive it was just literally like saying rock fm playing a song you couldn't choose you got little 20 second windows and we've got a text from and i was like oh my god it's mind numbing it looks so cool from the outside and then you got in the studio and just saw how bored these guys were it was so mundane the pay wasn't good and also i didn't see this at the time but commercial radio was about to hit the skids and and it's still not where it was and it never will be will it because of the internet but i remember sitting in there going god i've thought for so long this is the coolest dream job and i was like no it's not it's grim i went to when i went to when i went to back to union

when i was 24 i went to my old little school to be to do the way experience for two weeks and loved it like the opposite i went and was like oh shit this is what i want to do i really like this and then uh because you went to japan i'm gonna teach you because teaching japanese people was so exhausting. I was like, I'm going to fucking doing that again. If we'd have stayed here, I'd have been forced to get a job, which I actually wanted to be a college teacher.

And I think that'd be me. But because I went to Japan and did that and then came straight into this, stop me, I think I'd be a college teacher right now, which feels mental. Because I want to teach me. There's less jobs in, is it higher education?

Yeah. But I always thought that seemed like an easier gig. No, it's not because it's easier. It's because they want to be there. Yeah, but that makes it easier. don't have to do as much discipline and yeah like oh you need help like you've made mistakes in the past because i did that i was a not bad and didn't when it got to like six form and you want to be here so i want to put my energy into you because you know you want to be in like

mainstream when there's kids fucking throwing chairs like yeah not for me so i think college teacher would have been my uh but end of though and harry you just wanted to work here and you got your dream yeah i don't even when he was seven he's like i want to put a half a word potash i want to be All I wanted to grow I was to be Asian I was a, I wanted to be a wrestler when I was like Everyone did

You still do You are? Yeah, as of the weekend I'm technically He is a wrestler He's wrestled? Who is? I didn't realize

I didn't properly Sorry Your friend Elwham I have a Mexican mate Who lives in Heiton Guys Tell us about it Harry's a wrestler now

Did you know? Not proper I was a Elhorn I was a wrestling host Um But then At dead meat

wrestling host and they were just fucking smashing glass on each other and I was like this is a bit rich so now you realize you don't want to be a wrestler

did you did El Horno get put through a table? No no that's saved for it got offered and I went no I was like

on his spot special occasion it was like doesn't set me off and uh you want to be a journalist surely yeah so so

wrestler I wanted to do stand up comedy and then kind of didn't really I did like a gig in uni but before

do you think you'll ever go back to that do you stand up yeah uh i had i had a chat with dan at shane gillis and i was like i had i want to do this probably massive yeah well i've always had a notes page on my phone of like bits and and like i don't know i want to maybe when we get around to car doing his first gig you should be on the bill as well i'd be on the undercard i've never suggested it because it'd be so fucking gaggy to be like it's me as well when i like yeah i've i've you can open fleeting as well like close me and dan in the middle

Because I brought up to Dan. I brought up, we'd all had a drink and brought it up, Dan was like, absolutely. So I'd get some ideas down, like, you know, we'll give you advice, absolutely. And I said, Dan just taught me and I think I might do stand up, you went, don't fucking do that. He was like, no, shit advice that. You can't do it now. You can't do it now. What do you mean?

Not that he can't do it now, but it feels like. I think Harry's funny, man. You're projecting. You've thought this about you. Oh, yeah, maybe I am. Maybe I thought this about you since I started. You were like, I can't do it now because I'll be Adam's mate doing stand-up

and now you'd be called doing stand-up rather than just someone doing stand-up. Yeah, maybe I'm wrong, yeah. I'm not sure if I'd ever want to go do it as a crew, but like, I've always had the itch. It's like the hobbyist kind of thing. You can gig with your mum. Yeah, well, and my brother

and my mum have all done stand-up gigs, which is weird, in it? It is a bit weird. My mum is done a stand-up gig, it is a bit weird. Are there any, like, brothers that do stand-up? Not like that. I mean like Roy Walker's sons

Colin and Jason Manford Oh yeah Colin and Jason manford Should we get Roy on Because he wants to do it I'd love to get Roy Walker on Offer him the 8th of October The only thing is We'd have to put headphones on him

Can you not hear very well You didn't hear much I said no That's doable Yeah that's fine But he's fucking funny Like proper everything he says You know it's a joke And he's like go on Roy

And then he's funny as fuck But I think he'd be great drop him on text FaceTime I'm only got his email I said that was a 42 minute getting to we're booking Roy Walker

that's what we we came here to say right let's have a quick break we have the best patron in the UK for a reason Harry why have we got the best patron and why should people sign up

for his little as three pound a month because once a month we get patron specials that are fucking boss there's also an episode each week we also have bonus content like bonus Like the Q&A that's gone down really well

which is people have said might be the best extra bit of content that we've put out. That's going a bit far. Fuck off. All right, go on. Keep going on. We've also got film club.

Thank you. We've got early access for all the episodes. Nice. And it's cheap. And the back catalogue. You can watch everything we've ever made for three quid.

I know. And it's as cheap as like a croissant or something. If you don't pay, you get one episode a week. If you do, you get two. You get 100. You actually get 2.25 if you can't do specials. Patreon.com slash have a word pod. You'd be a fool.

You're even not to sign up for three quid. Binge the back catalogue and then cancel it or forget to canceling and leave it there forever. But you might, you get tickets. That might be the worst one we've ever done, you know. Well done everyone. I honestly think at this point, if you've been a listener for a long time and you haven't signed up to three years, you don't deserve it. No. No, just shut up.

Awful rhetoric. You do deserve it. Sign up. Do you know what, actually? Don't come over and see the thing. Because there's something on Patreon I got put on yesterday and you won't even see it.

We don't want you. That's seeking a thing. This month's special as well. I'm actually excited for that. I can't remember what it is. Oh yeah. We're filming some stuff for it on Monday, aren't we? You won't even see you?

It's secret. It's next month special. Ready? Carl, you ready? Where's it? Couple pow says, all right, boys. Question. for you.

I saw someone get pulled over by an unmarked VW Sharon and it got me thinking about whether there's a more embarrassing car to be pulled over by. What do you guys think? My Nana, there's Sharon. Is it a Sharon? Is that how you, I mean, it's spelled Sharon. I mean, we said Sharon.

We said Sharon, but it was just a Sharana, isn't it? But you take the backseat else. But you should have? Oh, yeah. No, because when we went to the beach, because she'd get fucked in the backseat area. no what you'd do is

you'd take them all because the back seats would have like the ice coolers and stuff when we went to West Kaby Beach yeah but then the back seats

would be in the living room and I'd sit in the living room on the car seat like I was the heaviest kid ever I think she was getting fucked in the back oh yeah that's the better that's the funny one

I thought all unmarked police cars were basically black BMWs no this is the thing this is why they're pig scum because they've figured out they know Volvo's so years ago

it was like right every every police car is either a police car or an unmarked BMWX5 and then everyone was like well if it's not a BMWX5 then I can do whatever I want they've got fucking everything now

scoders yeah fucking Mazdas by the way that's great I have another car there's one way to see

they've got an extra antenna dead easy is that or my police cars have got two antennas one for the police radio and one for regular dead easy yeah but what if they're one of those

CV radio nonses then just don't do anything bad around them either wow But if you go in 71, you can't see that quick. Never done it. If you go on 71, you won't get pulled. And if you do, you just argue it to me. Like, fucking prove it, you're big fucking pig scum nuns.

Also, if it says 71 on your speedometer, you're not doing 71. It's like 60, 80. I think every speedometer, they give a window because, like... You get 20% plus 5, don't you? So if you're doing 89... 10%. If you're doing 89, they can't do you. Awful information.

No, if the... 90's the problem. You get 30% plus 15. 230. 189's fine. The cameras don't go off at 89. And they can't catch you. Tokyo drift, caught me that.

Talked with that. If your car's too fast, he can't catch you. My mate, who, like, some years know, so I won't mention if it is, he was doing 92 at one point. Yeah. He was doing 92 at one point. point and the police fellow went after them and caught them over and was like you've got unlucky

there because like if you were doing 89 we can't do you so we uh we'll just let you go and if you're doing anything over 97 I think it is we can't catch you we can't catch you but you were in the perfect thing where I could catch you so this anecdotal evidence is going to cause so many points the thing is about these smart motorways and the cameras if you're doing 170 the cameras the cameras don't work fucking fly through The thing is though That is true

If you do a 170 Through that camera By the time it like knows to take the picture The shutters speed It takes two pictures The shutter speed And if Adam's wrong You're going to prison

So it's an exciting game in it If anyone's listening to this And going oh solid legal advice From the boys there That's on them Yeah But 170 plus You are genuinely Sam

No one's ever cacking you there And you're time travelling So that's good You're on a motorbike Just put your foot over your registration blade. Have you seen the new stickers? They've got a flash thing. Where it looks exactly the same once you've put it on.

But as soon as there's a flash on it, it's like the celebrity dresses that I saw where it fucks up the paparazzi flash. But they wait for the next bridge with a camera on and just get it without a flash. Do the cameras take pitches? I thought they were recording video. That's just a picture, in it?

Oh, I didn't think they were always, I thought they were just always on like Big Brother. Video would be better for them. Yeah. But, like, no, it takes a picture. Yeah. And now there's the cameras that can see into the car. See if you've got a seatbelt or if you're on your phone.

Or your cocks out. That's what. How many points? Three. Three points for your car. Yeah, but other one kind of moves away? Like, plus. Like, yeah.

Your three points down. Good one. Oh, no points for you. This little thing. Stay to that. I've been sucked off. When? On the motorway.

Oh, you're not. in my last question. She's stuck at my dick while she grabbed. No, I suck my own dick. That's dangerous. That is three points. That's six points, but also you're a legend.

That's why Prince never drove. If you get pulled off by the police and you're so... I think you've been pulled over. Yeah. Comes to the window, all right, he's at me wait you in a minute.

I'm not wasting this election. What, Prince suck his own dick. I thought that was Marilyn Manson. Yeah. I think it changes by generation. Like, I think that, like, Gen Z, it's going to be like Vernon. or someone.

What a trio. He's older than all of us. What? Vernon K's older than all of us. So, yeah, but he's a touchstone of modern society. Oh,

is he? Yeah. He's used to the word, touchstone, by the way. Nice. How old's Vernon K? Like,

49. 55? No. He's like, Test daily? Test daily is 133. Vernon K is over. Ben and K is 55?

He's 51. Fucking hell. Black don't crack. No, black hair. I've just said people say that. I want people who look good for their age. It means black people. Black people age, well, I think it means.

Is Vernon Kate black? He sounds like he sounds like he's supposed to be. It does sound black. It does sound like he could, like that's a... Hey, Vodon Kate. I mean, when you say it like that, I call. 100%. Everyone sounds black if you,

make up that voice. What up? Eamon Holmes? I'm Angela, motherfucking Lansbury. Funny Lansberry is a, you know, that sounds like I'm running back to me. Angela Lansbury. Chucking darts out.

Oh, here we can. Winding me up about the NFL. Let's give some advice. Send him in. NFL's back tomorrow, isn't it? Back to Leads and sing up and watch it. Who's the first game, Dan? My beloved Eagles.

The Wiggle Eagles, they look very hard to beat. Again. Hard to see past them in the NFL. I thought NFL was meant to be like different teams one every year. Regenerative. Yeah. Very hard to put a dynasty together like what the Chiefs have done for the last six years. Very hard.

But they have lost a couple of players, the Eagles, through free agency. but none of their stars although they've got a new offensive coordinator so how's that going to go? Is he good? I don't know. I think they've promoted from within. But everyone does this.

We did it on the NFL preview show. It's really hard to see past the four, five best teams from last year. But there is always someone that comes out of nowhere. The Washington commanders last year got in the final four and everyone thought they were going to be one of the worst teams. How are them chiefs looking? You can't... It's the Chiefs, isn't it?

It's Andy Reid and Patrick Mahomes. They're unbelievable. It is. But, God, that was an embarrassing Super Bowl. Yeah. They look like they're good. They've recently engaged. Travis Swift soon.

Will I help? Yeah. Have you seen that? Travis Kelsey's taking Taylor Swift's name. Isn't that mental for jersey sales? Because he's got 5% of his own jersey sales. Yeah? Smart.

He's not really, is he? No, he is? So much money. Yeah? It's, that isn't, that isn't a real bona fide fact, is it? No, it is. He's taking an ear name. Because he's going to set, like, sell it a call to buy one.

Right. Wow. I mean, it's a great business decision, but. Yeah. I wonder how his dad feels. He's changing his name as well. Jeff Swiss. He sells cars.

Quickly. Advice. Susie says, I've just been summoned for jury duty. I really can't be asked. How do I get out of it? And how would each of you get out of jury duty? Say your prejudice to every race. Everyone.

We are all prejudiced to every race, though. You tell me any race, I do have a prejudgment about it. I'm not vocal with it. But I am internally prejudiced. I just don't do it in about it. What? Estonian. Yeah.

Godred Heads. Ragnon Clavant. Yeah. But you just say... I know what I think. I'm not telling you, because that'd be a hate crime. Yeah, I thought of, yeah. Just say you're prejudiced to every race.

If it's like, listen as an Indian up there, I'll say he's guilty, and he's not. And you won't, you won't. I do think that is the way to get out of it. Like, as the fucking defendant comes in, you just go, wow, he looks guilty. Oh, yeah, oh, just as they walk in. No, be more so when he walks in, go.

What a call. You don't, you get off, and you get to go home. I think that's the way. Or, when they go in, do they still do jury selection, that just because I've watched too many John Grisham films. Waddea, depends on the case, obviously. Right.

Could you just go in and just poo your pants? I reckon that's going to get you off the jury. I don't know, you know. If you don't want to seem racist, just go in and just like, just put your hand up and own it. I'm like, I've just shit myself. I don't think they're going to be like, well, clean up because we've got a... No, wait until you put on it and then go,

Judge, pooed. And then you're done. Yeah. You're done then. Does the name Judge Pood? It's exactly what I did, but with less words, which actually is more mental. If he's just shut...

They're going to go, I don't know if... Do you know Mr. Justice Goose is? What? Mr. Justice Goose, and he's not in Pepper Pig. What's Mr. Justice Goose? He's the most famous judge in this country. Mr. Justice Goose is his name. And that is true.

His first name's Justice. Well, no, when you're a judge, you're given the moniker justice, aren't you? But his name is Mr. Justice Goose. The Honorable Mr. Justice Goose. What's his first name? Julian. Julian Justice Goose.

The name's Goose. Julian Justice Goose. Julian Goose. Does Justice become your middle name? If I got sent to prison by Mr. Justice Goose. This isn't real. No. The Justice Goose says five yet.

That's his catchphrase. M cusses the table. He's on his own. Mack, right, right. You got goose. You've been goose. He's sick, him, he's heavy him. Suck your own cock.

Again, it'll get you six points, but it'll get you off the jury. You'll also get you sectioned or arrested, though, own. It'll get arrested for public and decency. You'd have to do something that, like, isn't illegal to do by getting a car park. What about if you say you hate the police? What if it's not on to do with the police? Well, you, no, you're like, I'm going to let him off because I've... The courts aren't the police?

The courts aren't the police. No, but you go, I don't believe in the fucking justice system. I know the courts aren't the police, but I reckon the police have been involved in most court cases to some extent, am they? Yeah. You know, because of the crime nature of the police wouldn't affect your prejudice towards a case. So you walk him with an NWA T-shirt.

Don't the police. Have you really dressed up to be the jury? You've got to be smart. Because they've asked you, do I mean? Like, if you're coming to, if you're on trial, I understand, I'm putting a suit on. But like... Oh, if you just came dressed as like...

You just came dressed. And you had bow or something, like you proper fucking stank. I'm being food, but just good. Yeah. My matroner man, Randy Savage outfit, sunglasses, everything. I have no voice as well,

just like your normal voice. Oh shit. That is, man. I'm Angela, motherfucking lens, rip. I can't wait. I can't wait. You want it to be a good one, no. You don't want it to be a fucking parking ticket, do you?

My mum got a good one. Murder? I suppose I could talk about it because it's public knowledge. The case was... It's not still ongoing. No, it's just about 15 years ago. Oh, shit. The case was domestic abuse.

Oh, good one. one of the good ones she loved it popcorn and everything he was the defendant she was taking him and after two weeks I found out she was one abusing him

plot twist yeah like so they had to do a retrial and basically switch positions because they found out that she was the new jury though yeah yeah and this which's like clothes as well

yeah she was the abuser did Mr Justice Goose preside over that no I don't think Who's been ghost? I've sat in on a murder trial for like three days. That was really interesting. Just for the sake of the podcast call,

when you accept jury duty, which I'm not doing, could you... You can't reject it, can you? And you wouldn't have good grounds. No, we're talking now about how to get out of it. You cannot reject it.

You can't say no. The whole question... Yes, you can. You can, but you've got to go back at another date. You can't just flat and say no. Dan, the question we're answered and now is how to get out of it.

It's a legal requirement when you're called It is. Not everyone that gets asked to do jury summoned does jury duty. People get out of jury duty. Most people get out of it. Yeah, but you can't just say no. No, I understand. What would your reason be? I have to look after Adam. I'm his primary carer. This is my village. Failure to respond to a summons or a 10 without reasonable cause can lead to a fine of up to a grand. So just pay the grand. No, just give a good excuse to not do it. Laura is, Laura is, Laura's been called up for jury duty and she was like, I have my kids full time, I can't, there's no... But what's your one? What? What's your one? You don't? Me no speak English. Carl, you're all right. I think this might get you out of jury duty.

What are you doing, Carl? His headphones were wrapped round his chair. Yeah, no, you were so subtle about it. Right, I'm back now. I can't wait. I call her. but what if it's like two months that's not ideal is it I'm not doing it if it's not a high level really high profile murder or it

has to have at least Mr Justice Goose involved I'm not doing it if it's not him or a murder he only does the murders mate he's the goose he's the goose mate is it the goose not interested I've shit myself I sat in on a high profile murder case where it was actually pushed down to manslaughter and that was

a mad environment to be in but I loved her. Did you manage to sit still in your chair for that one, or did you? No, I have fun-son. Thoughts of the joke. Go on. Do you know how Mr. Justice Goose got elected? Do you know where he got picked?

It was between him and eight other people. Not all their say names were duck. Nice. Honking there. Do you get it? Duh, duck, duck, duck, duck, dog, goose. Dan, can I just say I keep feeling like your t-shirt is, who wants to do a millionaire? It is, yeah, I've just been on.

Let me see. It's just been in me out. I thought it was the, um, there's a thing in community. Andrew Wolf and Den. It looks like an anus. Oh, yeah. And Fred Aldous. Who are they?

Artists. I just saw a t-shirt, I liked. It's a nice colour. Thanks. I haven't read the back. But yeah, to get out of Georgia duty, I think, Pooing yourself. Thanks for the time. Thanks for wrapping that up.

smooth. Right, I'm really glad to say that this feature's back. Yeah! I'm excited for this. I'm excited for this. I'm going to finish it. I'm Bagheed one of them. Adam, do you want to do the intro? No, you can have a half.

No, I've bagseed it. In front of you? What one of your bagseed? The Coronation chicken. Oh, you can have that one. He's a year older now, by the way. Can we do the intro? What's happening, ladies and gentlemen? Welcome to Dan! This is Food Season 2.

Whoa! We landed it on a cliffhanger, didn't we? Dan is a 45-year-old man with food phobias. How old are you? 44-year-old man with food phobias. If you don't know what that means, he's scared of scrant. He's scared of food.

It makes him go, eh! It makes him react like a big gay baby. Now, we've got three sandwiches for him that he wouldn't normally choose. for themselves. Now, you're going to look at these sandwiches and be like,

they're three of the most basic sandwiches you can get in the Tesco meal deal. And they are. But he doesn't eat them because he's a fucking freak. So why don't we give him a little bite of each one? Harry, can I have the scant, please?

What are you doing? Harry, what did you do on your birthday? You've gone so special today. Oh, so it's the full meal deal. So these are my top three, weirdly. Right. They're not my top three. No.

The number one is chicken, bacon and stuffing and I will die on that hill. Okay. So Dan, you have got cheese and onion Nice. Coronation chicken Unbelievable.

And free range Egg mayonnaise respect the chickens. What I would suggest, Dan, is that you start with the cheese and onion. Yeah. That's my go to,

though. Oh, cheese, a delicious duo. Dan, do you like cheese and onion? No, I don't like onion at all. Like onion? You like curry though?

A little bit of onion. I know, but that's secret onion. This is a secret onion? No, it's not. got it on the thing that it says no it's it's basically it's not like onion barges oh yeah yeah yeah little bit of only sorry just have like half of it shut so dan if you were picking a sandwich what would you normally have i like a BLT thanks for asking for all right okay yeah i've never had the cheese and onion sandwich have you not honestly it's what was my half can i have half

can i just can we just do the feature before you have lunch you can have a tense we don't we that was a big bite that oh oh wow it's not secret enough this onion can I try it Adam it's beautiful describe it down you know every time we do Dan versus food where you just go oh it's great that oh it's beautiful fucking I like it me oh whoa I came out of nowhere that's horrible mate why what was horrible about it that's not a great buddy now I like it oh god I like it it's nice it's great it's great it's great car welcome home right here's the thing done if you do not like the whole feature then you're a fucking idiot this is basically a chicken curry buddy yeah okay

what's this called coronation chicken it's the best it's the queens it was made for the queen yeah yeah big bite oh my throat so heavy oh yeah that was a that was a great bite well done oh it's fucking great why don't know why don't they just call it curry fucking chicken butty. Good, isn't it? Coronation chicken sounds so different. And we're going to wash that down with an egg pussy. Oh.

Good gear, did it? Make that inside the jack potato. Is this your new sandwich now? Is that your new sandwich immediately? So nice that. Harry? I can't do it. Why?

I can't. My brother used to eat coronation chicken just out of the... Oh, he touched you? Oh, lads. Any bumming? What a revelation. Oh, hey.

Come on, Tesco. Why? What's coronation? Is that the best reaction to anything ever? Yeah, he's literally. It's a chicken curry butter. You have the next round?

I know, it's mad. If they just got a chicken curry body. Dan, you're going to get full. Stop with your current chicken. You're probably going to want to keep a bit of that to wash down your egg. Yeah, but you've got to chew the egg proper. Yeah.

Chew it off like a bugger. Have some water. Clean your palate. I'll tell you what, as well. There's a fucking shitload of egg on this pussy meat. That is the eggiest egg male, buddy, I've ever seen in my entire life. Can I have the other half of that as well? What?

I have the other one of them. No, I want that. You two. Jesus Christ. Like... We half it then? So we got one half. I'll just go and get her, buddy.

Cheers. Yeah, clean your palate down. You can't be cheating with your curry. Yeah. Oh, God. What's in it? Eggs and mayonnaise. And mayonnaise is mainly eggs.

It's eggs with egg sauce. Egg squared. Yeah. Double egg, buddy. Big bite. You got it. Chicken period. See?

You can barely tell it to chicken embryo. Before that happened, no, you liked it, didn't you? No. Right, talk us through it. Give us a rating. Cheese and onion. one out of ten it's bad coronation chicken 10 out of 10 oh wow also one it's so bad bad bad carl enjoy your lunch

fucking blinder oh i'm going for rudy he's a sandwichman now oh god was that everything you wanted to be yeah Well done, Dan. Well done. My eyes are watering. Throw your suggestions in the comments. Fucking style. Anything you want to see me?

Obviously, like, the worst thing in the world. But it's nice to have the balance. I'd like to, like, one thing, you know? Comment. Love you. I've seen a bit. And we have the legend that is. Mr. Phil Ellis.

Hello. Hello. Long overdue. Yeah. I've seen. I've seen the setup. I've even been in the building. You're on the couch.

And now I'm on the couch. I'm trying to make it very slow progression up. I've been in the lift. I've never got past floor too. I'll see you sending it back down. But I'm in. How are you? I'm all right, thanks.

Yeah. I feel like I haven't seen you for a very long time. It might even be pre-COVID, which is insane. I'm sure. I must have seen you since. I saw you in here once because you've called in to the window. Yeah, it's like, die hard. But, yeah, I was in, what was I doing?

You recorded in the studio two with... Did you come to Runcorn as well? I made that up. I have been. Did you come to the Runcorn studio? I did. Oh, that was when you used to do it, Runcourt. Yeah, and I did another...

Next door again. Yeah, that's right, yeah. So close. Were you also in my spare room or something? You've done the Holy Trinity? I'm in the shed. Have you got a shed? Got it.

He's got a home gym. Oh, have you? Yeah, he made a little man cave and then... And that's sort of like I didn't mean you. You look great. Have you what do you use it for? Hang your clothes? Often.

Is that quite? Got it yesterday, yeah, did you? Have you still got all like the midlife crisis neon signs and stuff? Or is it just the gym now? You ball someone? I know. It was a good gift. He was having a midlife crisis.

knew where I was. So there was a sitting bit on the right where I was meant to watch the NFL loads and then there was an office on the left and then Etta's drum kit in the middle and most of that has been either moved or fucked off it's going to be Jim on the right and then I'm getting a smaller couch

and I just wasn't using it loads. Basically I built it. Eish had a wank in it and then... Oh. What? Did you... I mean, when he was stayed over. Yeah. All right.

You thought it was like, okay, so you go out of the way because I know you're going to do it. No, it's like when you're smart. a champagne bottle off a boat. Yeah. You get eating until one and it's raised a sale. It's more mess.

My househouse is getting done today. You've done everything in about four weeks. I love it. I just, I want the house to be done forever. I just don't want to ever do anything ever again and it was so close.

Right. Stressful, expensive, but then done. Done. Like, why are people, it's like Liverpool's transfer policy. Just get it all done in one summer. My dad was always obsessed with just doing.

the stuff you won't get anyone in so it would take ages to get it done. Have you hired people to come in and just get it? I've done most of it but I have. At the start of it he went I'll do it all he hasn't done a single thing. That's not true actually I've told them where I want stuff hang it. This is DIY I'm pointing myself. I'm going to do that when I get a wife

okay crack on lad twist that one you're doing a better job than me All right, thank you. My cowboy ass, hooks went up today. Oh. Yeah. I've got eight cowboy hats,

so I needed eight hooks to put them up, you know. Because you've gone to, you've done the, like, trips, the Texas, was it, where did you go again?

I've been to Texas. We went to Nashville. Nashville, yeah. All of us went to Nashville. I've done Nashville three times. You know, I'm a bit of a Nashvilleian. That's what they call me now.

Mm. Yeah. That's what they ride you out. That was one of Adams, you know, because he was, he has, eras,

and that was an era that I really think we all benefited from. Yeah. That was great. That's when your mate gets into country and you have to go

to one of the best drinking cities in the world. It's not the, you know, stick a cowboy hat on you're just day drinking. It's class. Brilliant.

I did my old show in a cowboy hat this year. I love a cowlap. You feel really powerful on a cowboy hat. And mine have to be own hat. Aren't cowboys like field workers though?

They're not powerful, are they? What do you mean? Well, that'd be a ranch owner. Yeah. You'd be the owner. Yeah. Right. Because Cowboys just, you know, it's just like a...

Why a cowboy hat? Well, because in the last preview I did, I found one backstage and I put it on and every way. Oh, I like the cowboy hat. You don't even reference it, well, yeah, because it's not in the show. I just found it backstage and thought it looked nice. So I thought I'll just keep...

And once she's got this... You're talking like your show, you're just on Edinburgh. Yeah, yeah. Once you got it to Edinburgh, did you write a reference of the hat in? No, I just rode Tom Short like a pony at the end. Did any reviews? Country roads, and I thought that's enough in it.

People are like, oh, it makes sense now. I just always wanted to sing country roads on stage. I bet the reviewers kind of would have read into it. Yeah, oh, yeah, I love it when they do. Oh, if they like you, it's like, oh, it's really interesting. Yeah, yeah. He never referenced it. And if they don't like you, it's just another reason to hate you.

Yeah, there is no reference of the cowboy. It wasn't to explain. Who's Tom Schult? Is he trying to make America great again? But they do give you a sense of like, oh, fucking... It's weird, isn't it? Yeah. I can own everything here.

Do I mean? If it's a ranch, yeah. Yeah. But if it was a Starbucks. What do you mean? You wandered into the city and a cowboy hat. You're not welcome?

Why? Cowboys live in the fields, don't they? So I'm saying? You're saying you're powerful? No, they don't. They are allowed out. Yeah, but a cowboy is like as someone who works in... But they don't have to be 20 foot away from a cow at all times.

They all that's like... I often wear me cowboy hats in the city. You're allowed to wear a cowboy hats. You don't have to own cattle. You know, that's... There isn't a rule. Like, you're wearing the hat. Where's the fucking...

Yeah. Yeah, I've never played baseball. You look good though. And you could own everything here. Why are the cowboys and not cow men? Right? Oh, I don't know. Why are the cowboys are not cowmen?

Sounds better than her. Yeah, because milk boys doesn't sound good, does it? No. Milk men, that sounds like your favourite Sunday afternoon. Yeah. The milk boys come in. Not again. You've already saved time.

Cal men. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't work. No. Cow men, yeah. I think it's because the cooler. The boys. The cowboys.

I wonder when it was when, because I doubt back in the actual time of cowboys, they're all going, hey, cowboy. Hey, I bet it was like a post name. They were going, those were cowboys. They still exist, though. No, I think they still call himself cowboys.

Yeah. Yeah. Let's get, why are you writing? If you're cowboys. I already know all the answers. Guys, don't worry about it. I've read up on it. We met Cowboys when we went to Nashville.

They were cool guys. Did they carry guns? Yeah. They sleep with guns as pillows. They fucking love it. Like, they couldn't understand the idea of us not having them. Even, like, on us then. They were like, you haven't brought a gun?

What if I shoot you? The people who worked at the gun shop, it was like they were playing human buccaroo for how many firearms they could have on their person. Oh, my God. I'd get shot in the first. I'd have come, I'd be like, hey, let's have some banter. I don't think it, it didn't feel very banter in that gunshot.

We quickly went, no banter in here. Oh, really? Because we've made a good living with this podcast from taking the piss most places. And we got there and we're like, no, I don't feel so fun in that. It was interesting. That fellow who was like, yeah, you know, I've got rid of most of my guns now. I think I've got 73 left. Yeah, just the 73.

Most of them are like bazookas and that, but I've got a couple of handguns. I had a clear out. I had the armed police out once because I had a firearm. What? That's phenomenal, by the way. So, in Preston, by the docks. You got docks?

Oh, you've got... You've got a small dock. Yeah. I mean, you can't... I don't think you can get to it from the sea. There's a... There's a... No, there's a river.

What's it called? The ribble. Oh, the river of ribble. I always go past the... Oh, that's when you know you're that near Lowe. When you drive past that sign on the way back from Scotland I'm like, I'm fucking basically home here, that's the ribble. Tickle trout there, in your peripheral.

There's a cinema and a Mackeys and that's about it. I think they thought it was going to be like a real, like, cool hub, but it is just a McDonald's and a... Are you from a similar part of Preston? Yeah. Well, I was, I moved, I was forward and then Plungington and... But weren't you in... Plungington?

I was in Penn with them. Plungenton. And then Penn with them. Oh, all of thee. But if I'm plunging to it. Listen, I know you're going to take the piss, but you don't fuck with plungy. No, you don't fuck with plunging at us.

Fuck, you can't be no name. What the fuck is that? If a lad turns out, if the plungy boys turns out. You're getting plunged, mate. The plungy plumbers? No. The plungers. They got rid of shit, man.

They got rid of shit, man. Oh, yeah. The plungy plumbers. I'll call him now. I'll get him here now they have no means of transport could they have a look at that fucking fourth toilet by the way

so weirdly considering the circuit is pretty small like there isn't is there a thousand comics that get paid work in a country of 70 million me Freddie and Phil

all have lived in the same small bit of Preston it all plungers it's Penn with him yeah Freddie and I lived on the same street that's mental and you were just around the like I don't know if it was the same time

no it wasn't Beth there as well wasn't Beth? Oh my God are you similar ages so many people you both similar ages I was a couple years young I'm a bit older I thought How old are you? I'm 43 now I'm 44 Oh he's very well done yeah

Well done it same school like area schools I don't know I don't think so I was He stinks like a Catholic though No I was see a C of E mate Must be the coat Archbishop Temple Right

Which used to be William Temple But then Is this what it's like For you All the time Yeah I just have to find

I have someone's from plunging And then I black off Yeah Yeah What's your post go Man Pundrum The AID

The Avenom Young Defenders We're not to be foot with Say you Yes I'm slapped The Kenny Riot's got That's smoke them made Yeah But that's in the Europa League

And it Oh Big away day today So why did you have a gun on the docks? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, I forgot about that. I, uh, so I was at college. I went to Runshaw College, which more comedy, alumni,

uh, John Thompson and Steve Pemberton. Wow. Nice. Yeah, exciting. Uh, I was making a film and I'd got this, back then you could buy blank firing guns. Like, I'll go to Waltha PPP. I went to Blackpool, Blackpool gun store and you could get it.

And it, and a blank firing. and you don't realize there's still a gun. Yeah. You can heart, you know, bits fly out at the end. The flash and everything. In bruise, that's what he shoots him in, in the eyes, did he? Yeah, yeah.

So I had this blank firing gun. And I rang the police and I went, I want to make this film with this student film with a thing. And they went, as long as he somewhere quiet. So I went to this disused abattoirtoire on the docks. And it was me and a few mates. We had all these guns that I'd got.

And I was like, I saved. I pulled me pocket money and bought a gun. And they're on the docks. And I had my uncle for Blackpool. used to do country and western line dancing. So he had a blank firing gun that they'd used. So I had two blank firing guns. I remember about an hour in, this car went past with a family in.

I went, that's weird. Why they're down this road no one's using? And then another car went down. And it turned out there was like a dirt trap they only used on Sundays for like dirt bike, you know, like rally biking or whatever the foot. And so I was going, that's weird. Just family after family.

Just we're all about a closet of you. To be with your uncle, line dancing, with two guns. And just the car drives past And you're like, they're weird people. I've got a ban of clob. We all have a ban of clowners on the time. It's all there. Fucking weirdos driving around here, but...

We just had 9-11 as well. It wasn't the best of the times. And, uh... We. Was the one of... Yeah, yeah. The family, we'd all chipped in for it. We're gonna whip around for 9-11.

That's what you did. We've got 9-11 at home. It's a joint birthday Christmas present. It's a joint birthday Christmas present. But we're on the dock So bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. And then after a while we saw a police helicopter. I went, that's weird, isn't it?

And I went, we won't be for us. So I started firing at the helic for a bit of a laugh because, you know, me, I'm wacky. So I'm going, meow, bow, bow, bow, bow. And then, it's fucking looking back, hindsight. And then after a bit, I looked at this police car just pulled up at the bottom. It was like a little, it was like an estate police.

And I went, oh, no. that's not a coincidence now, is it? And then another one. So I rang the police on my friend's mobile because I didn't have one at the time. And I went, I went, excuse me, we were at the docks with guns. And they went, yeah, they're there for you.

They're waiting for the armed response vehicles from Blackburn. I went, oh, no. And then they arrived about, just put all the guns in the boot and stay where you are. So we put all the guns away. And two of the cars came up.

And then this little, like, little tiny police car just as if to go, hey, guys, what's going on? It's what I'm doing to the back. and we waited and then they all started coming towards us slowly eventually they all sort of gather

so I thought I'll go and meet him half away which I want advice and they had their like machine guns out they're all in the car

still and they're coming up slowly so I thought I'll walk and meet them so I started walking down and then they went into the V shape and they all got out

with the guns and I went oh fuck and they went put your hands in the air and I went so I put my hands in the air and I'd probably ship myself

and went look the thing and like a knot and I went they're all in there and they're going and you can hear all the it's not quite like the film but I could hear all the clink and I was going and oh no and we all had to walk down

one by one and get frisked and everything and they took the guns and my mate like a nobody what'd you do for your gun he went and he went and he went whew and he went whee you all had a bit of laughing you all nearly got shot

yeah and so and I remember we had to go back about two weeks later and I had to going can have my guns back please and they were like okay but don't be Because they were still legal at the time, but, yeah. And they're not legal anymore? No, no, I've thrown it in a river.

You can, like, change it. Yeah, I wiped some of my dabs off and I put it under Freddie Quinn's. Freddy Quinn's passenger seat. But, okay, so if they were legal at the time, what was the problem? Was it that you fired at the helicopter? Well, they didn't know that they weren't real.

They just, because I didn't tell the police where I was going. I just said they went as long as you somewhere quiet. But you went? I wasn't, no. I think it's bad if they get a phone call and there's like, there's someone in a balaclava

shooting guns at helicopters if they're like, probably from plunging let them out their phone. The plunged you pun, but why did they get confiscated though?

Surely they can have a look at it and be like, oh yeah, a blank gun? Like, if I had a fake Samurai sword, no one's taking that off me.

No one's getting it off it. No one's to take it. What would it look like? Rubber? It'd look like a samurai sword. Oh, right, but it would be made of? Rubber?

Rubber glass. It's a sex. It's really blunt. Yeah? I bought a knife in Nicaragua. Oh. Did you manage to get it back? Yeah, so you're in the market

and you're like, you want to buy something. I was like, oh, that's a cool dagger. And then I was like, and then I was like, I don't want that one, no other one. And then we had that look and shit, why are you so desperate to buy a knife? But when you say it like that,

I do feel stupid. No, you shouldn't feel stupid. She should have said that and then felt stupid herself for asking such a cool question. But then it was a beautiful decorative, like sheath and it was like Nicaragua. and handmade and all

and then I added in my house and I bought a year later mum went should you have that in your room I was like no I was like what do we do

I can't throw it in the bin I can't know what we did with her Hey you can have it in your room no I think she was like is it because obviously knife crime in the city's got a bit bit

I was like it is a bit weird and a bit I was like maybe I shouldn't how old were you it was when I went to Costa Rica so like 10 years ago so like 23

yeah and your mum was worried you were joining on one of the knife gangs Liverpool no but she was like she was like is it smart for you to have a

Like, it's a weapon, isn't it? She's like, it's just a bit weird that it's there. I was like, anything's a weapon if you want, enough though? Like, she's had the same

about the bottle of phanta that next me back. You'll get him one of them phanta gangs. So yeah, I think I just put it down a grid also. I kept my mother there, but I put it down a grid.

He killed a ninja turtle. Put it in the kitchen. Just slice salad like fucking crocodile Dundee. You'd love it. that, wouldn't you? Can we be peeling an apple with it? A lot of look cool.

I had it next to me piece of volcano and me piece of the Berlin Wall. Cool guy, you? A piece of a... I bring back fridge magnets. You'll think about volcanoes. I went to her up to the volcanoes. Like, well, that's cool, isn't it?

Taking a bit of that. Should you have that in your room? It might erupt. Come on. You know what you're like? Are you trying a volcano gang, gang, and we both, me and I both bought a piece of the Berlin Wall.

That's interesting, isn't it? Yeah. You think you did? Under, if I'm being 100% on the tree, yeah? I offer one. I don't know where my piece is the belly boy. You're seeing your dad's in her.

I've bought loads and I'm rebuilding it bit by bit. It's time. It's about this eye after 10 years. Me and asshole off. I'd love a big dagger. When you started telling that story, I was like, I want one. See, it's weird, isn't it? I want one with a knuckle duster.

And then a bit, I want it minimum blade. I was about that big and had like a lovely handle. It was gorgeous, but I was like, yeah, I probably shouldn't have a weapon. You buy one when we were abroad and you were pissed. Now, I was looking at one in Tennessee, and then you all left me, so I got in a mood and ran away. That's exactly what I don't leave added. I could have been killed in that night shot.

He did an angry stomp. Oh, he's fast when he's fuming. I wonder where that is now, because it exists. You can't get rid of things, can you? Can't get rid of what? Anything. Like, it's on...

Do you know, I've been men? That goes somewhere. They don't fucking throw it into space, do they? If you take it down the tip, where you're putting volcanic lumps and bits of the... I'm not throwing that in the bin. Burling wool. Do you think, genuine question?

Do you think we are... Because I think we're about 10 years away from all of our rubbish going to space? not very cost effective what not very cost effective no but we're going to relax the space on the planet aren't they are they? Yeah because there was talk of them using like

fucking like big like crazes and stuff on the planet to fill them at rubbish and shit we've already done that we sent Katie Perry up recently thanks very much everyone are we done video, but like, if it gets cost effective to send anything. So that goes in a spaceship and it... Yeah, not one at a time.

It costs a lot to launch. It's not like, I'm done with this. Enon, come on. I still think... Like, just like, literally, spaceships full of fucking rubbish. They just fly it, like, I don't know, half-point-to- Mars and then they just dump it. No, do you know, like, Wally, when they've all compressed it

into, like, squares? Yeah. Not for any time effective, though, is it? No, but, like, the space, they say it's unlimited, don't they? So we can do that forever? They say. Yeah, but Wales is massive. Yeah, just pick a country.

No one's arseable. Stick it under Snowden. Have you been to Snowden? Stinks, mate. I think space is going to be our big fucking landfill, but it won't be, a space film. Could also be your astronaut name. I'm not going to live to see it.

If they send it up and just let it go, yeah? As in like it doesn't, the spaceship doesn't need to come back, does it? No. Yeah? No, because they can't up to next law. It does it every two weeks. They could just send it up and it's gone. It just floats away.

So this is cost effective, is it? Well, yeah, if they just put thrusters on it? Do I mean, yeah? Yeah. And like, people might be like, oh, no, it'll get burnt up in the atmosphere. Well, even better then? No, that only happens coming back, doesn't it? What?

Doesn't it? it happened both ways, kind of? No, I thought that was just the burn-up happened when you were coming back. Either way, you don't want to burn up in the atmosphere. Fire doesn't have like a front setting and a back setting, does it? The atmosphere is just fired, essentially, you know?

I don't know. I thought it was just... Atmospheric entry. It's fine when you fuck off, which just makes it cheaper. Atmospheric entry, that's when you put a bit of mood music on in the... Very wide, Tom. I don't need to finish that bit, too.

It's made us all feel a bit grubby. Take your pants off, love. Do you have you heard of it? the Berlin Wall I see my dagger to pick women up yeah come back to Marcus and

build the Berlin wall if you do like explosion you know out in your but I got a volcano I went to the live volcano Nicaragua and I was like I'm taking this on

it's highly illegal like you know how much of it did you bring back like a rock Carl highly illegal still did it

but I did put a dagger down a grill I'm not fucking get rid of that that's great don't yeah the idea of having a big knife does like a crocodile dundee knife genuinely you want the rambo one really don't you the big rambo that's a machete in he no he's got that no big one with the little segregated yeah is you ever seen rambo but you've never seen rambo have you

never seen rambo i know he is i know he's about oh yeah he's a good it's my my uh it's funny it's not a knife but i was telling my dad my dad um i've ever told you my brother rang me up year this is years ago and he just ran me up one day and went Do you know that dad's killed a shark with a hammer? Right? Because my dad, he was in the Paris. And he, uh, in the 60s and, uh, and he's killed a shout at the hammer. And I asked my dad, I went, have you really killed a shark with a hammer?

And my dad just went, well, you've been speaking to your brother, have you? That's it. So I've never heard the story. But you know, Shea Birdley, he's heard the story and it's horrific. And he said it was like, um, it wasn't even a hammer. I don't know why Phil always says that. It was actually like a sort of shovel that you'd use. for foxholes, but it also had a hammer on it

and I used that. We still don't know why. Why and where? I don't know. He was Christmas Day as well, apparently. He was on the beach and he saw a fin and panicked. And all he said to me was, he went, I went, why did you do it? And I looked them up, the sharks in that area. They're like, they're quite innocent.

I think they're like sand sharks or something. You don't know that while you're swimming at you though, do you? I went, Dad, why do you know? He went, oh, I just didn't understand it. That was it. It's horrible in it. Oh, God. That's exactly what.

what I'd do. What, you wade out to see... Why you're swimming with a fox hammer thing? Well, exactly... But, I mean, that's the bigger question, you're right. But once you're there, and a hammerhead shark's coming towards you, I'm not going to... It's asking for it. Yeah.

He's got one. I've got one. His name is instructing you. Where was he... Where did this happen? I can't remember it. He was on a beat. He was, he was, he was, it was on downtown because it was Christmas Day and they were just on the

it was Christmas Day. Yeah, yeah. He killed a show. Like on Christmas Day with a shrubble hammer? You don't go to the beach and get a shot at that was. Perfect Sunday. That's a tradition. Yeah.

Yeah, apparently they used to do that back at the day. Is he sure it was a fin? I wasn't just someone swimming with a Santa hat on? Yeah, but he could very well have just been a child dressed up. Apparently the perors are all mental. Like, they're the mental ones from the armed forces. I think, yeah, I think they can be, yeah. My dad went in and got quite disciplined and came up better,

but apparently are a bit crazy. You've done really well. You did well there. Oh, I missed it. Oh, what did he hold in? Paralympians. Oh, oh. What?

I wonder why he was sweating. Just in case you missed it. Here's Carl with the update. Call them. Is it nice to be done with the fringe? Nice to be back. Yeah. Because you've done 78 fringes.

17. 17. 12 and around, I believe. Sorry. 12. My first one was 2015, but I didn't do that one in the lockdown where everyone went up and had a lovely time.

I thought, that looks too nice for me. I'm not getting involved. I'm going to have a shit show in 2022. Thank you. When no one comes. Thank you very much. Two stars from the Scotsman.

Thank you. I went and did the little half one. I did the, the 20-21-1-1. Yeah, that was meant to be amazing. It was good fun, a couple of days. They were the first shows back, really. Like, first full shows after I, like,

had the podcast following. Yeah. And we had to do a podcast episode afterwards because the whole audience, well, most of the audience were great, but a handful of each show was just people shouting out references to the podcast.

Right. Because they just didn't, they weren't trained as a live audience yet. so the next episode of this we have to do half an hour of A don't do that we'll hate you have you found that

evened out now yeah we spoke about stand up and etiquette the etiquette of it so much that are I think our audience are so comedy savvy and live entertainment savvy that yeah it just doesn't happen

sometimes on the midweek ones if anything you have to go it's all right guys you can relax yeah yeah yeah they're so worried about not being a great audience right that they get a little bit like they're so worried about a noise out of place.

But it's weird, isn't it? It's like, I remember going to a jazz. You remember the Matt and Friends near the frog? Yeah. And Bucket. So that was like, like, a good place to drink late after the frog. Yeah. If Charlie's wasn't open.

And we went in there once. I remember getting shouted at because we were talking. But like, it just shows you different types of live. I didn't realize you couldn't talk in a jazz club. I just thought, of music, you're allowed to chat with music song. But they get annoying because the clarinet person, the clarinetist. It's just gone. And everyone's going.

But it's in the middle of a song. So I'm going, why is everyone clapping in the middle of the song? Not finished. So I didn't get the edit. So we got basically tell we're going to get kicked out. And it's the same when people go to a comedy club and people go,

they won't stop talking about. Well, they've not been. They don't understand that you haven't been before. You probably don't know. I got bollicked at Matt and Fred's the same thing. Oh yeah. And you're like, oh, fuck's sake. And you're like, I've literally just come from the frog.

Yeah, yeah. Where if someone was talking, you'd be like, how rude. Yeah. But that's my art. Yeah. Was it a good jazz club? Matt and Friends.

Never heard of it. I don't know. I haven't got anything to compare it to, but it's still there. Yeah, it's still there. A summer's day. A nice cold yogurt.

Oh, sorry, I thought there was a jazz club called a summer's day. No, you said I'm not going to compare it to. I'm telling you to compare it to a summer's day. Oh, right. Yeah, it's not good for,

yeah, getting a tan. Yeah. No, I'd really, I think a summer's day is absolutely. A lot of yogurt? A nice cold yogurt. Yeah, it's, I don't know, your gut health. know if jazz is doing anything for that. I am slowly getting into me jazz.

The jazz era's coming. Oh, no. No, well, the thing is, do you remember a couple of years ago when I went to New York? I went to the Blue Note Jazz Club, very famous one in New York, just around from the comedy seller. Woody Allen would play at. Mono Neon. Is it that one? Yeah, that one. And I honestly don't know whether I witnessed genius or the night where they let, like, underprivileged kids have a go. Like, I don't know which one I seen at the time. It was all that, people clapping, like, in the middle of songs. I was like, what, is this for the drummer? Is this for the vocalist?

Is this for what? Who's what? And then, yeah, too, hanging out with Jack. He's a jazz man. So we, occasionally now we'll go for a pint and there'll be jazz on and I don't eat it. Fredericks has gone on a Tuesday. Yeah. Been there a few times.

I wonder how many people that are clapping actually know or they're just like, oh, I wait for everyone has to do whatever. Yeah. I don't start the clap at jazz because when you're doing it. Fawking great coat. Yeah. We keep wearing it. It's like when I'm watching a Bill Hicks video,

I wait for people to laugh. I was clever. That's clever and political. I think. You're not a Bill Hicks man? No, I just didn't understand what I was talking about off the time. I want a bit Reeves with a bit of cheese on his head throwing it, you know. Would you say like that?

Who are your favourite comedians? I don't think we've ever done. I'd like this conversation. I'd be really interested in it. Well, as you can tell from watching me, I don't watch a lot of stand-up. So I've always been, I love, they only stand up

so I really love a Norm McDonnell I loved Sean Locke you know like Jack D and stuff and but growing up

I was just Vic and Bob and Rick Mail and Steve League of Gentleman and the Stephen Gentleman League of Gentleman and everything like that

you know so Isn't it great seeing Bob Mortimer have he's always had a good career but the last few years yeah

every like to have him on such a high pro file TV show in the last six months where he's the oldest dude on the show by a stretch and he's the standout he's the star of it yeah so silly so funny so clever at the same time i love watching his career these days it's just great everything he does as well he's got the fishing show with paul white house just not really something that i'd be bothered about but every clip that i see from it's just so well done and he's such a funny guy and so likable the

that is quite a career because back in the day shooting stars was one of... I was obsessive. That was one of those ones where you know you go oh, at school

everyone was talking about shooting stars was that in the... I was allowed to stay up to watch shooting stars because I loved it that much it was obviously naughty and I was in a young but that was the thing

I was allowed to throw up and watch because it was... I told my mum I was staying up to watch shooting stars and then I just used to put sex out of everyone. Nice. See mum was in the room watching it with me Euro Tref.

Same? Was it a bit strange Getting to work with Reese Shersmith then? It was weird actually because like I know Steve Pemberton a bit because he brought his kids to see the funds and games

the kids show I did years ago. What year was that, Phil? 2014. Because everyone went to funds and games. Yeah. Like I didn't, that fringe, you came up with a fake kids show. Yeah.

And it was selling to people with kids who thought, oh, this is a kid show. and then that would be like half the room and then the back half of the room would all be comedians who were watching you do it but also watching people with actual kids work out what the fuck was going on

it was so amazing did you come and watch that with me I didn't see it no so I that year because that show was at like two o'clock or something yeah yeah something like that yeah because I was hosting the big value lunchtime show that year

yeah and it was just down the road from it and I used to run like two times a week for that fringe I'd run from hosting that show to catch like the second half or the end of funds and games and yeah, spectacular. People bringing the kids and be like

well we'll have a nice little family afternoon with the kids and it was so perfect because it was pitched perfectly so the kids are having the best time and only horrifying the adults and then kids demanding merch with funds and games and kids walking around Edinburgh with F-A-G-Z

on their time. we've dropped that now it's not ages the part of that I was aged as well so funny it was one of those where we went to the line and we never quite crossed it until we did in 2017

I tried to bring it back and we had a Peter Felt Qualabur who was only there to tell everyone he moved into the area but with a song he's like moving into your area it's like a real big techno song but they went no we can't do that

but the new versions we've got the balance right again it's it's fun to we had kids there was a guy like 18 year old on the front row and i thought he was the dad but when he came out he was like a bit different to i got a lot more than i did 10 years ago and i was like oh wow and all the kids are now coming back as like teenage she's amazing she's dead good but they but yeah that so steve had brought his kids to that yeah and we did that taskmaster live experience and i'd already signed on for taskmaster but i wasn't allowed to tell anyone so i was chatting with steve and he's a really good laugh as well as

Steve, so we're having some drinks afterwards. And we're going, and he's like, hey, my friend, Reese is on the next series. And he kept certain to producers, you want to get Phil on it? And I was like, I can't, you know, say anything. And then Reese, because I haven't really met Reese properly. And then I met him on the first day of the studio records. And he's like, he's going, oh, I was chatting to Steve.

And he went, it's funny. I was with Phil the other night he didn't mention it. I went, yeah, it's meant to be a fucking secret, Steve. So I love Reese, because he's got that bubbling, like, he's such a lovely guy. I've heard he's quite spiky sometimes. Oh, no, but he's just, he's so funny but if you watch league of gentlemen

when his characters get angry yeah so there is that thing going I don't want Jeff Tibbs getting you know he's meant to be a joke and you go oh he can hear in the back of his voice he's a lovely sweet guy as well but and so it's so funny we're backstage at one point and Reese as well because it's he's not done much as himself

which you forget so we're all nervous for different reasons I'm nervous because I'm not done hardly any TV at all and Reese is nervous because he's not done a lot as himself and you know and And Ania and me, and Sanjeev, the same, hasn't done a lot of comedy, like that. So everyone, even though they're really, you know,

prolific, you know, BAFTA winning acts, they're just as nervous as you, because you're all, it's a new thing. So we're all just really weird to be with, like, your heroes, though. When did it film? When did you film it all? Did all the tasks, like October to January, so we're like the winter one.

And then we do studio May in May, so at Pinewood. But we're the last ones. to do Pinewood because they're not doing TV. When's it out? September 11th. Don't forget. Now that's only the second worst thing to have happened.

Now I'm allowed on television. After the Preston 9-11. They came for the docks. Can I ask you a question but I don't think I've ever, I've never mentioned this to you ever. It's about nine. Huh?

Is it? On a good day. Is it? It might be absolute bollocks. But you know, I'm fascinated by, like, memory. Do you know what I mean? Because I can forget, like, something that happened earlier today,

but, like, there's certain memories that my brain's got no use for, but it keeps in your head, sort of thing. Now, when I first started stand up, and I sort of became mates quite quickly because I was doing me very earliest gigs with them with Paul Smith. Back then, you and Paul were quite close.

close. I don't know whether you still are now. Yeah. Well, Paul's a megastar now, so I don't see. He's just really big, busy, so I don't see. I'm not hung out with him for a long time. I remember, like, sort of doing hot water with him. I mean, like, how have you been up to? He's like, how I went out for a pint. I think he went in Preston, maybe with, yeah, or around Liverpool, maybe.

We went, yeah, we went around Liverpool, stayed at here. And it was, yeah, I remember that a while, because we, the first ever time I won beat the frock, which you would have been, I'm saying. I remember it. Yeah, was with Paul, I think. I think we joint won it. Was it? Isn't I fucking insane?

God, I can't remember Paul doing Beat the Frog. Christ, yeah. 2005? 2006? Or is it a little later? 2006, I think, yeah. Because Paul's got four years on me as a comedian, I'm 2010. Wow.

That's mad, isn't it? But yeah. But he sold me that at the start of that night's out drinking. I don't know why this memory is still in my head. But you'd said to him, yeah, just so you know, when I got out drinking, just for no reason, throughout the night, loads of people always try and fight. me.

And then Paul was like, well, obviously that's not going to happen. But then he said on that, and he's out three separate groups of lines, trying to fight with you. And I just want to know whether that's true. And why it happened. I talked about it in my show this year. I got punched so often.

It's a cushion tall in it. Well, it's that. And also, when I've had a drink, I think I'm being really funny in Bantry. That's what I mean about Nashville. I'd be shot before even, like, got out of the car. I'm going, all right, no, Ben. I'm doing a bit.

And I would just get punched all the tackers. And again, I've, my then, probably slightly trying to leave me fringe and that. And I'd be like, Lou, I'm going to go. And I got, because my dad, I don't have it in the show that my dad taught me to fight if someone was trying to bully her, fight, but you never taught me how to fight. That's the thing. I go, yeah, I'll fight. Oh, no, shit.

What did you? So my thing was, I'd get, again, because I was tall. as well. I think if you just told people want to have a fight with the biggest person. Yeah, and because maybe I'd dress of it like you'd be in a bar and I'd be the one dressed like this or something, you know, or whatever. And it was just that kind of thing. I think I attracted

people, but also, I didn't know when to stop mouthing up. But I never, I can't fight, so I'd never go to or go, I'd just be there going, that's what you think. Nobbing. Paul!

And Paul wasn't ripped then. Paul! to get ripped and learn cake fighting in this that's funny that's a nice out don't

yeah well I thought I'd best warn him I can't remember that that's funny that's funny that's great

a disclaimer because that's why I've got do not resuscitate on this necklace does that still happen no no not

no no not really not no because I grew up well one of the other things is I grew up to the point

where I can just I learn if someone's trying to start fight rather than go, oh yeah, you just walk away, you walk away, let them, they're going to do it to any, they'll go and find someone else to start a fight with, because some people just want to, you know, they're just like, looking for trouble. So I've got a lot better just shutting my mouth as I've got past the age of 30 and walking away. And that's it.

And just also, I just don't go out as much. And also, I sort of, I like to think I've found my limit. I've got punched. Yeah, well, yeah. One punching out. What I do is, I get a mate round before I go out. I asked him to smack me in the face about four times. And they go, right, I'm happy with that, thank you. But Mick Ferry, yeah, when I was a bit younger, Mick Ferry's had to put me in taxes because I was just getting punched all the time.

Not because you were too drunk. No, I know. Phil, you've had enough to be punched too much. Off you go. So this is how it happens. For example, the Funds and Games Christmas Party in 2015 was an absolute bloodbath. I was in the Salisbury.

We're all in a circle. We're all having a chat. And then this guy with a bit, it looked like a hipster at the time. Hipses was a big thing. And he kept trying to force people to shake his hand. It was really annoying. I hate people that make you shake that.

You know, and he's like, shake my own. And they're like, all right, yeah. He went, shape my hand. And I went, no, I'm all right. So this is how the punching starts. So he went, shake my hand. I went, no, I'm all right.

But I have a good one. And he's like, he's rude. shit someone's on. I think it's rude to make someone shake your hand. So let's just leave it. We'll call it that. He's like going, why you've been a knob?

I went, I just don't want to shake your hand. I said, why do you want someone to touch your hand so much? I said, that's weird, isn't it? That you can feel. And then, of course, he just went, and he started getting angry. And I went, and he went, you're a knobbed. I said, I think you're on a knobbing, mate.

And then he jumped up over everyone. I went, oh, I didn't know that body was attached that head. Because the head looked like he was like, you know, just a bit of a, you know, I was like, oh, I can look at this little guy and he jumped up and he was just ripped. It was like a Viking. I went, oh, no, and he just went, buff.

That's why I went. This was at the Funs and Games Christmas party. Oh, yeah, but we'd had a bottle of wine on the train each. And then I went, but I don't know what my tactic here, because I don't fight. I'm not a fight in person. So I went, oh, I'll wait until he's got tired of hitting me. So I went, well, why don't you hit me again then?

And Mick went, what are you doing? And the guy went, buff. And I went, right, you can hit me again if you want. And the guy went, all right, then. And he did. And then Mick went, what's wrong, will you stop? He went, leave him alone. I don't know what he's doing. Stop it. And I went, oh, I'm still standing up, though.

So why aren't you hit me again? Anyway, he did. And I wasn't standing up at that point. And then I got up and he went. I can see why you've been punched so many times, Phil. It was ridiculous. It's because you keep asking to be punched. I know. It was so weird. I don't know what my tactic was,

but I thought, I'm going to take the high road here and he can punch me as much as he wants, but I will not fight back. But equally, you probably shouldn't keep. telling someone to punch you like I don't know so Mick put me in a taxi and he's like right he went I don't know what was wrong he's just really annoying me he kept asking to hit him and Mick went I know he's not well leave him alone right and then and then he looked and he went oh no and I must have got the taxi to go back round and I was just

stood behind him and he went oh for fuck sake and I just tapped the guy on the shoulder I went is that it and I don't remember the rest Mick had to take me home so yeah that's why I got punched it up because I literally asked people to punch me. I'm so glad that that was true that I've kept that memory for 15 years and there was something to me. Should you have a break? Yeah, let's do it.

Hello everyone. Time to tell you about my absolute favorite sponsor. It's Love Honey. Now they've got some of the best stuff for the men, but they've also got some wonderful stuff for the ladies. Yes. And the peach is subtle, well designed,

interesting, not too like cringy. I thought when I saw it because when you have a sex toy in your bedroom sometimes we're like oh, where do I hide that in case the kids see her

just get a fruit bowl. Exactly. A fruit bowl in the bedroom. No one will... No one will suspect. It looks like a little novelty egg timer but actually it's got a little pressure thing

for the clitoris. The cliff sucker. It vibrates. Just give that a vibrate now. It feels nice. This is next level. It feels premium is what I'd say. Go and have a little Google of the Love Honey Peach.

Thanks, Carl. And then go on lovehoney.com.uk. Check it out. Listen, ladies, treat yourself to a little bit of peach-based clit-sucking. And gents, how good are you going to look if you're like, A-R, babe? Have a peach on me, kid. Girls, 20% off. This could be one of your five a day.

One of your five comes a day. Nicely done. We didn't even plan that. You just rift it. Use code. AFF dash word 20 for 20% off, site wide. They want other stuff as well, but this, this is the new one. Get on it.

Love honey. Feel the love. Honey. Peach. Enough car. Stop it. Part four of four. Phil, tell everyone where they can find you online and anything you've got coming up.

Oh shit. Yeah. Well, I'm glad you asked me that. Well, Phil Seych, it might be worth of mentioning that on the 20th of December we are doing our second ever arena headline show.

I'll be on that. Have a word pot. Phil will be there. He's going to be our paedophile koalabre sat on the front of the stage. A ticket to haveawaypodpod.com On the 28th of December

I've got my Christmas country cabin lock-in Hey! In the gooch? Isn't that a perfect time For a Christmas country cabin lock-in, Carl? Dan, you got some stuff? No. Okay.

Well, there you go, you know? Hey, also I've got loads of Adam Rowan friends on sale. I think they're all sold out but I haven't checked for a while. Get tickets to see Finn? No. There's only about four left. Yeah, Manchester.

And then there's London, 8th and 9th of November. and then there's a big Liverpool date coming soon. Ooh, a big one. Is it this year? It's my biggest headline to date. Oh. And how many tickets left in Manchester? I think it's about 35.

Okay. You know you said that on last week's episode as well. But that was yesterday. Yeah. Yeah. So there's 12. 12. It might be sold out.

This is Mark and when you were marking? Yeah, go on. I want to learn. There's like less than 20 left. There's one ticket left. There's one ticket left. There's one ticket left. It might be.

I don't know right now. I've not checked for a, you know. No, it might be sold out. for them now because this isn't the future. Yeah? Phil is checking his phone. I'm ready. Like a pensioner.

I've started doing that. That's so awful, in it? Phil, we found it for you. Oh, thanks. Phil, where can people find you online? And what projects have you got in the pipeline? Well, it's Phil Ellis Comedy on Instagram and phil Elliscomedy.com is my website,

which I don't re-up deck. But you can join the main list, which will give you pre. I'm kicking off. my tour with a five-night Soho Theatre run from Tuesday, the 9th to the 13th of December. And then I'm going across the UK from February, 2026. First stop is Colchester. With stops in Cardiff, Brighton, Leans,

Edinburgh, Birmingham, Liverpool, Salford, Bristol, Glasgow and more until April 2026. For a lot of the day. And, hey, but listen, pre-self. I can't believe I said to my agent. I think I need more like ad work in my voiceover. Hey.

You could presale tour tickets on Thursday the 11th of September which is the first episode of Taskmaster and you get access, sign up to my main list on the website. Philoist, come with your dog, come. Phil got four of his own salespush. It's going to be mad. Give it a free mattress with every ticket.

I'm not. Soiled. There is going to be one mattress. I can help you at Markant as well. One mattress giving away, one lucky ticket buyer is going to win a mattress. Yeah.

It's paying for that. A used mattress. Yeah, yeah. Give them your mattress. Get my mattress. I don't use it. I slip on the floor outside to cry. Not allowed in.

Too fair, I've got a spare mattress. Come on. I'm bought to buy a new mattress. Oh, crack it. Right, cool. Right. Free mattress. To the, uh,

the 1,000 ticket buyer. That makes sense. They might not want it. Just put on your email if you want the mattress. email. I don't fucking know. smooth, Bill. Smooth. Yeah, see you there. You're a man that I think everyone would like to see in power.

Yeah. So if you were presidente of not just plungington, but the world. Oh my God. What executive orders would you push through? So I don't know if this has been done. It's probably quite a boring thing, but I'm at the minute, I'm really fed up with people queuing at bars like

cash points. Yes. It's really getting on my nerves. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Yeah. And we should kill everyone over 50. No. Every single, so on the,

as we discussed earlier, I'm now the UK's leading country music influencer. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I have regular country music influence events. Yeah. Influent.

He's an influenza. I'll be influenced. Everyone's going to die. And I'm actually a polio influencer as well. It's a bit eradicated, hasn't it? You see? I've done my work. You're welcome, everyone.

Yeah, people queue at the start of them, like in single file and I have to go and go, hey, fucking pack it in. You've been in a bar before. Hey! I got one. I went to get a drink in Edinburgh, and they had one cue here going around,

and there were three people on the, it was an outside bit, and weirdly, I was having a, a drink with Liverpool's golden child, Alexi's sale. Wow. I know. And then I caused a fight at the bar by mistake. He was one of them quite drinking.

It's all these people going, look at this, no, he's got sideburns. He can go to the front. I went, no, I've been queuing, and there was two people waiting to serve people, but everyone's at this one till. And no one would even filter across there.

There's like a girl going like, I don't know what. And I just went, I went, guys, wait, you're queuing wrong? And they didn't. So I just went to the front and got my drinks. They went, oh, he's pushing him. I went, no, I'm teaching you a lesson. This is not how you line up. That makes the bar smaller.

Exactly, you queue across the bar. You save three people at once, two people at once. You can't do that as a cure. It only works if the bar or the establishment are like, we do a queue system. So then the bar staff know it's the next person at the front of the queue. If people just naturally do it, and this is a post-COVID thing, I think,

where everyone just doesn't want to get eggy, it doesn't work because if there's two or three people serving, someone just wanders up from the other side and goes, oh cool, bar's free. And the staff are like, yeah, we didn't tell everyone to Q. It is free. So they'll just serve that person

and you're the bell end who's just followed everyone else trying to be all British and polite and then you have to wait ages. It's such a frustrating situation. Yeah, stop trying to be British and polite, you make British polite people. Or start three Q's.

Yeah, that was the other thing. I was like, no cues, it's a bar. Everyone knows what the queue in a bar. Yeah, you cross out and your presents. Yeah, you do this. That's how you win. It's about it. You need to win the bar.

That's all you get saved. You're big. I've got influenza. That guy in the cowboy hat's starting to shake. I'm in my thirsty ear. No, you're big. But you don't do this with anything. Don't tap because you will get punched.

That guy with a decorative dagger's ready. He wants a sambuca. What do I? You make yourself known, but don't be a knobbed. I hate bad bar to get as well when you know the person's in front. It's not even that busier bar, but you take that order. If you've got big tits, though, you are going to get served first. Thank you very much.

Thank you for noticing. Have you got any exacts from our listeners? We do. Bobby Turner says, my executive order is to fuck off automatic flushing toilets. Nothing worse than sitting down for a plop. I've changed it to plop. Oh, nice. Because you use plop and Laura loves you.

And now Plop is in our, like, family vernacular. Oh, is it? Yeah. Oh. You do use Plop a lot. That's nice. I feel... Yeah, but that's because Phil uses it or, like...

I just know that he plops rather than shit. Oh, so you got a plopper? Yeah, but it's more like, rabbit droppings. Blop, blop, blop, blah, blah, blah. Phil was there the first, the first night I bang my wife. He was holding the camera. Yes, I was. He was actually on our first date, basically.

The sliding doors moment. so if Phil wasn't there I wouldn't have married Laura. No, if you went to take her money full credit. Oh no, she'd come to meet me. If she'd have ended up with Phil, I'd have had some serious questions

about her and our friendship. She's for Phil Ellis. I really thought there was legs in that. We should never have gone for that Nandpost again. Every time you slightly move, you've got pissy water splashing up into your arsehole. Get them changed. I don't mind the automatic.

They're good in, like, public toilet, like an airport or a train station, because she's like, I don't want to touch anything in here. I'll say what some of the foreign places have. Oh, here we go. Send the boats back, eh, Adam. Send the floats back. They have it on the floor, so you just stand on it. I like a kick flush, quite American then as well.

Yeah, because then you don't have to put your hand on anything. And who's ass about the shoes? I don't mind the automatic ones where you, like, do a magic trick, and then it goes. Yeah. I know the ones they mean. It's the ones where it is behind you and if you move. But I like the ones, like you say, yeah, the little... Yeah.

These are the drugs. See, yeah. My shits aren't solid. My plops aren't solid. So the problem I have in an automatic one, if it takes me by surprise, I do feel like it's trying to just send me shite back up my ass. Like, if I flush while I'm still on the toilet,

I have to do a little hover. I can't do that. It terrifies me. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm going to get sucked in. You lose your balance? What? If the toilet flushes when I'm sat on. on it, I get scared.

Really? Yeah. I don't mind it. I wonder where that comes. Scared. Like, genuinely, it's going to be a crocodile there. I'm not missing.

Where are you at with your Japanese toilet? Have you had it installed in your new gal? He doesn't know where it is. No, so the one, Carl got me couldn't be put in my place, so I've got to order a new one. The new one, by the way. Oh.

I was fun to make a cash offer for Adam's old toilet then. And then I remembered what it was. And then he went, I'll take that. What is it? It's a standalone. It hasn't got a system. This is fucking, not a hashtag, but they are great.

And you tap the bottom with your foot and the seat lifts up. That's the toilet. Yeah, it's a full toilet. They've also got a new just seat. Yeah, yeah, they have, yeah. Which is probably what I'm going to go for. Because it's less expensive and less intrusive. Washloo over at Washloo.

They're a little ad for them. Go on. Not an ad, but I'll do an ad for them. Yeah, because they're cool, Andy. But, Dan, buy it anyway, just bleach you. I got a four-year-old kid who I just don't think we need a Japanese toilet

that can like fucking I just don't think they'll be able to use it properly I've seen him try and wipe his ass but he doesn't need to wipe his ass if he gets this literally he's going to come out dripping wet every time

it goes for shit it's got a blow dryer on it yes right all right cool I want one it's the best thing I might wash my face in it

you can wash babies in it Phil are you a fan of Japanese culture sorry you're a fan of Japanese culture I love studio Ghibli. Yes. I went to see

my neighbor to Tora life the most beautiful experience of my life. I saw Spirited the way live on it. Oh yeah. Not one ever beat her.

Yeah, my neighbor to Tora oh my God I was there going Oh my great it's just some little animals being moved around beautiful.

But I don't, yeah, I like, I'd love to, I've never been but I'd love to go. That's the one holiday I'd like to like.

Gaff. That and, uh, Corby. Don't make me choose. I can only do one. Executive order, Jake says Actors should be limited

to the amount of stuff a year they can be in, e.g., maybe one series and one film a year. I'm sick of seeing the same actors in absolutely everything. Sean Bean. This is aimed at one person this summer.

Pedro Pascal, isn't it? Yeah. He's had like a complete flipping public opinion, Annie. Yeah. Because he keeps describing women. Yeah, but his excuses, hey, I like cock.

That's his excuse. I thought he was meant to be. Yeah, I don't think the public thing is, I like cock. I think that's the rumor. Yeah. Oh, I thought he was a homosexual man. He's not, he's not, he might be. He's not out, he's not come out.

Also, grabbing women. It sounds like he's literally like, there's times where he is chasing him down the street, chasing him down the street, grabbing him. Have you not seen him? He's not, I've got anxiety. I've got a bit of a barpenter. He was still, I think it was there anyway. And he got, so now. Yeah?

And he goes, he goes to just grab an ass because he's like, oh, fucking hell. but then realises he can't do it. Listen, when Pedro Pascal honks someone's tits and goes, it's my anxiety, I will believe that he says, well, that's a fact in it. Because you've just said it's been... Have you seen it where he does it to the green goblin's wife

and the green goblin goes, hey. Willem de Fo? The green... Isn't it? Is it a fool? Hey! Hey, pedin'bath. Hey, riddle me this.

It is the green goblin, no, isn't it? Yeah, Willem Defoe. Yeah, William Defoe. He's Willem Defoe. He's Willem Defoe. I don't know him as that, though. Most people do, though. He's so famous.

Well, I thought everyone loved, I thought he was like a... He keeps grabbing people. He was, and that's why he's in so much. He doesn't grab ugly women or men. I need to keep up today. I've got him coming round later on from cheeky vimptoes.

You'd be fine, he won't grab you. Cheeky vimtoes? Wow, what a throwback. Nubbby D in Ports. Yeah, and vodka. Yeah. Unbelievable, Evvy. You'd love that.

never have you know oh let's all me let's have someone get me punched you need a bottle of pot what you can go to a bar and go can I have a cheeky vimto yes

they're gonna know what it is because you told me about you told me when I was drinking steamboats I used to go in and then they go no idea what you're talking about steamboat is one of the most I know but I'd go into bars

and in town and go can have a steamboat please and they'd be like it's quite old though in it it's quite an old no they should know what that is is

Southern Cubs Lyme and lemonade. Yeah. I've stopped having him now. Average he've ever told me to... Just go in and say, can have a southern comfort lime and lemonade. That's what I started.

You'll see you, right? It doesn't take much longer. Do you mean the steamboat? Yeah. On a similar theme, Duncan Sharp says, big supermarkets should be only allowed to change the position of an item in the shop once a leap year.

Fucking does my head in, fizzy drinks and cordial, does not belong in Isle 2, Morrison's. Get back to just before the cold section, like before you knobbeds. So, mine never changes. That started off quite cordial. Is that right?

Cordial? Yeah, that works, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. And then he got really aggressive towards the end of that, did he? They should stay where they are, you fucking knobbeds. Mine doesn't move.

Yeah, neither. There's no moves ever. Nope. Like the crisp I like it. I was in the same exact spot. That's why I don't like going to a different Tesco. Yeah, it's awful.

He goes to a different Tesco. It's like they don't have the same bosses. It's like they're all independent and they've gone, ah, yeah, we'll just put the yoghurt near the bananas and the TVD players. The yoghirts are quite near the bananas, be fair.

Healthy night end. I got a DVD, this is nothing to do with this, but just a DVD player. I got a DVD from a charity shop, Godzilla. Remember the night is Godzilla one. Terrible with the, what's his name, Matthew Broderick and I took it

I was in Morrison's doing a little shop and I thought I'm just going to scan this see what happens it came up as four quid I had to pay for it

so starts 9 to the 13 this is that DVD what did you think was going to happen I didn't think it'd be still in the system Godzilla from like 90s

oh my God's God you took your DVD to the shop no I had it on me because I just bought it from the charity shop for night I didn't take it out

for the day with me I'm going now I've got everything, got my wallet, my keys, my Godzilla in 1997. I actually get that, though. I'd try it on a mobile courier.

Yeah, but then you don't pay for it? No, I probably didn't. I panicked because the story wasn't getting enough so I thought I'd end on a big laugh. How would you argue?

I didn't pay for it. I just asked him to take it back off my list. She was like, why have you got this for a moment? I bought it from Cancer Research. I just wanted to see if the barcode still works. So it's still in the system.

Why don't you take some of your old DVD? See how much they went for it. Let me know. minority, how much minority report is it? Is it a shit, Godzilla? I just remember the theme song by Jimariquai.

All I know about, I can't remember. Oh, yeah. Deeper on the grave. Godzilla. Knocking down towers and buildings. It's the 9-11

on the day. Godzilla. So many 9-11s today. I'm not seeing that. Never forget. I've not seen that one. No, it's, no, you're all right. You never seen Godzilla?

No, I've not seen the Matthew Roder when he's talking about now. Matthew Brogett killed someone, didn't he? Oh, here we go. Taking down our Ailer's celebrities. The man, the Sun didn't kill. It was an accident. I mean, they're still killing someone, isn't it? What did he do?

You're doing Tina. No, all Edmunds, killed someone, didn't he? What? Like, Caitlin Jenner? Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's a mayor than as well. Shit. He starts the 9th December.

He was a man when he mired than someone. Not, no. No. Not how it works. All right, okay. Have you seen the South Park episode with Caitlin Jenner? No. Just watch, just have a look at the highlights.

It's definitely worth it. This is an ignorant question. So that means that a woman won the Olympics. Yeah. So wouldn't they lose their medal? Because women can't win the Olympics of men's? Yeah, but yeah. It's complicated.

I was just, if that is totally ignorant, that's not any judgment. Carl, I'll give you a 20 pounds if you say. the Godzilla theme tune. Yeah, yeah. Godzilla. Not talking about Caitlin, Jenna. Although she is big.

What? She's a tall woman. I mean, these are just facts. Kicking off in Colchester in February, 2026. Finn, have we got a song? Yes, we got a song. Is it Godzilla?

No. This is a band we've played before. A band we've played before called K Estate, and this is their tune, Nice. Phil, it's been an absolute pleasure having you on. Thank you very much for having me. Many more! I hope Taskmasters, fucking brilliant. I'm going to actually watch this one.

Oh, thank you, yeah. It was fun. I hope you all enjoyed it. Bye. See you, everyone. Wow. soon just one more by and then i'll see you soon oh come along for the ride why because it feels nice and the sun you're all your worries behind and look on you said you far to shout me but i ain't

seen anything was it the day you're jumping away to the long move wishing it was Some of the way, I'm gone too soon. Avoiding the bright lights because it feels nice. Because it feels nice. It's living like it's time ago I'll carry myself out Just let me say for one more song Just one more choose

All right, I'm walking out the door I'm seeing my faith now Just with my body in the floor I roll the moon And I so need to be twice Why it's sound Because it feels nice And the song

And we've gone you're still too far to shout me But I had seen you dead A bright of bright lights Which doesn't be as nice Just want to be as nice Just have a roll in the dice And carry you so far away because it's nice

because of the kids. Thank you.