Have A Word with Adam Rowe & Dan Nightingale - #348 with Mark Nelson - Have A Word w/Adam, Dan & Carl

Episode Date: October 5, 2025

Tickets for the ARENA SHOW, merch and loads more available on our website! https://haveawordpod.comTickets for Have A Word Live shows as well as Adam and Dan's tours and previews:Adam's Tickets: https://www.adamrowe.comDan's Tickets: https://dannightingale.comFinn's Tickets: https://bio.to/FinnlayKAs Adam and Dan said, don't miss out on all of our extra content, we've got one of the best value Patreons in the game. An extra 90+ minute episode every week plus loads of bonus content such as the now infamous Lockdown Lock-ins, the Nashville & Amsterdam specials and our Ghost Hunts! What are you waiting for? Sign up now at https://patreon.com/haveawordpod​Get subscribed to Have A Word Highlights: https://youtube.com/haveawordhighlightsThanks to this week's sponsor:Better Help | https://betterhelp.com/word1010% off your first month of therapy with Better Help.ADAM ROWE and DAN NIGHTINGALE are two award winning comedians from Liverpool & Preston, respectively. They are two of the UK's most highly regarded stand-ups and have both performed all over the world. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Brought you by Monscape, the very best products on the market for below the waist groomer. Go, Ed, get on me. I've been up since 8 a.m. Slaving away in the kitchen. Who for? Me? Maybe heard. I mean, how, what time can you get up? What's the latest you can get up to get here on time?

That last bit's key. Nine. Ah, right. Okay. You could do caller past nine if you were... I could do 25 past nine if I've had a shower or a bath tonight before. Ah. The day doesn't feel like it started properly without the old wash of the balls. does it?

If I've had... If the last thing I've done before I get in bed is shower or bath and I don't fuck then I can get up and come straight to here, yeah. Yeah, you don't... If I shower before bed and then just go to sleep,

I don't get another shower and I wake or... Do you? It just feels like... That's how I wake up, though. He washes 20 times a day, don't he? Yeah, I do. What you're forgetting is, I wash 20 times a day. And that is not...

It isn't as much maintenance for you. That is just part of showering. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's 60 seconds. Smaller willie? I'm bald, but yeah, smaller Willie, thanks for. How long are you, how long are you cleaning your massive penis in a morning? That's like 40 minutes, is it?

I think I have to allow a solid three minutes for my cock and balls and bonn's. And good. It's a full song for that area. Do you condition are your pubs? No. I don't shampoo you down there. I only use Dove. I have to take Dove internationally.

With me, I have to get at the airport and take it with me because a few years ago, I thought I had, like, AIDS or something. Turns out I was just using the wrong. Oh, your pH was off. Yeah, she was like, just, because I took me cock for an appointment. And she was like, yeah. On a leash. I was like, look, there's something wrong, pretty sure it's bad.

You know, have a look. And she was like, look, it looks a lot worse than it is. Is it AIDS? No. Does AIDS show like that? I don't know. I'm pretty sure if you've got AIDS people know. I've never had it. More internal.

Me neither. That's Freddie Mercury. Can't. It's gone. If only did you try dove. Stephen Gerard washes his hands loads. What? That's a fact. He's got an OCD for washing his hands. That's the fourth time you've tried to get that fact in. He washes his hands loads. Like OCD for her, which I think is very strange.

This has before COVID as well. Thanks, Carl. I split my shower into areas of body. Sorry, didn't it was on showers? You want to be back on

Stephen Geron? Oh, continue. He is right, though. And this came out in 2008. Fire start to

this week's episode. Early adopted. When I die, don't take me the Aussie. Wash me hands. What order?

Do you wash yourself in? Order? Yeah, everyone has a routine. Order! Like a full shower. Like, you know,

you're getting showered. Take me through your morning. Oh, this is. this is going to get a lot of criticism I get in the shower I let the water

wash my face I then get some of my look straight into the shower try and forget right it's so hot what's that Bill Burberry every day

do the what's it called basketball I play basketball shower gel I just congratulations a small child. Well done for not telling anyone.

Why isn't in the shower in bed? Yeah, there you go. Preempted that one. The shower gel, maybe two dollops if I'm feeling frisky. Then I go pits, bits, and give my ass a little clean.

Let the water wash that off. Man's done. Do you not wash your head? No. At all. Do you use your hands rather than like a luther or? I use my feet. A bit of a maverick.

Like a monkey. I'll do a little joey accent. Two dollops because I'm feeling of fiscy. and it makes it lathers better. Do you feel cleaner? Carl's got shares in this. He's been telling me about this for about a month now.

It's for weird losers though, wouldn't it? I think he's gone into business with Stephen Geron. One of those things. I'm the only man in the shower if other people were watching, perhaps. What you mean?

It's for losers. It just washes you more. No, but I don't need to. You do need to wash more? No, I don't need to wash more. I think you might go. Rewind, right? First of all, what shower jail

we're rapping? It's like a, it's, basically for kids. You know? Don't help you. No. It's like a soft and gentle. I mean, it's not I haven't got it, you know, for paed fill it reasons. It's just there because it also

is good for the kids as well. So that's handy in it. We use the same shower. It's normal. But it's a non-like, annoying one. Same as this. For the old spazzy skin. And two dogs of that. Pits, asshole. I don't want your belly and chest? So do you ever wash your arms?

No. When was the last time you washed your arms? washed my arms? What? Yeah, you don't wash your... You've got hairs on them. What do you mean? And they're involved in day-to-day life. They've got hair on your arm.

They're not matted. I'm surprised. You get sweaty, don't you? Like, you go jean. Oh my God, yeah. My forearms stink. You're right. I should stop.

What are you on about? Yeah, it's just... That's what... You just give it a bit of a... And you're done. You do the cold parme? I don't... I don't think I've ever lathered up my arms.

I mean, not washing your shins. I understand. No one does that, really, do they? Apart from if you've been at 40 or you've got muddy legs. But with the man wash, $3,000, I just go all over now. Yeah, and it's easy and they're done. Yeah. And where'd you get that car?

There you go for Christmas, I think. It lasts a bit of the advert needs work. So I have to, because of the length of my locks. Oh, here we go. If I'm doing a full body shower. Blow dry. So I have to get in, shampoo me here immediately. You leave it in?

No, wash that out. Then put the conditioner in. Oh, you leave that in. And you leave that in. You don't need to leave shampoo in. Head and shoulders was the biggest cheat of all time, when they were like, oh, it's shampoo and conditioner. And it deals with dandruff.

And you're like, everyone that ever uses it has dandruff. When you grab for you there, those got sulfating. Shite. I've been told. I don't know what they are, but my missus doesn't like them. They're awful. Watch out for them. So, shampoo.

God fucking scrub of it. Oh, what a life. Rinse that off. Yeah. yeah now you leave that a little bit so you're meant to leave it for between three and five minutes so at that point i'll start washing me cock right that's about two or three minutes i'll go through that he washes us there and then goes back to us then so i do use probably more shower gel than the swiss army like i'm i'm quite uh they i'm quite abundant with uh if

no one has ever said swiss army and not said knife afterwards that is the first time in history then anyone said Swiss army I don't even know if they've got one they've just got oh we've got mountains and that is a Swiss voice you're welcome so like I really get a good you know leather going around my penis balls

and muns pubis I also watch the the sort of sides of my legs in the cock area but they're the only bit of my legs it's a good place to get a ladder the mon's pubis that's where you start

the lava journey right then I rinse that off and I also rinse my hands and I get fresh shower gel for me for my arms and pits and chest because I don't want to get

bollock sweat in my armpits right yeah can only be true yeah because that's like AIDS isn't it then it depends how quick I've been and I sort of measure this by there being a song on I always have a song on measure it by being a song on so if I feel like the condition

has been in long enough at that point like if it's been at least a song then I'll rinse me air if it's still the same song playing from when I stopped putting condition in my air then I'll brush my teeth in the shower always and

use that time to let me hair condition a little bit longer right always brush me time then you've rinsed then you've rinsed air what if the songs are different lengths what if you just like exactly generally Speaking, songs are about three to four minutes.

You're absolutely right. You get unlucky Bohemian Rhapsody, you'll give yourself a rash. Yeah. Rashedly. But that's, uh... Bohemian Rashedy. That's my shower routine.

Comment yours below. I brush my teeth with shaving gel in Turkey. You know, like a little baggid. So Stephen Gerard washes that much. It's weird at that. There's not really a start. On purpose? No, not on purpose.

But I just thought, so in the, in the hotel, it was quite posh, and there was loads of stuff in little boxes. Yeah. And I thought it was, it was toothpaste and it wasn't. You didn't look or smell or taste. They were in English then. Yeah, but I just, no, but it was in a toothpaste tube. That should be, if I, executive order, that's reserved for toothpaste.

And when it came out of the tube, you didn't go, that's not. I thought it was very blue, but I've had blue toothpaste before, but then my gum started, it's like stinging. Oh, so it wasn't immediately when you put the shaving gel in your mouth. it was after your gun started. So when I went to Germany, a dentist gave me loads too. When I went to Germany,

a German dentist, who was just at the pub, gave me loads of samples of toothpaste, and all of that toothpaste was a bit mad. So I just thought it was like mad Turkish toothpaste. But it wasn't a shower gel. Oh, shower gel, not shaving gel. Shaving gel, sorry, yeah.

Like for, like, changing too much of a much and stuff. Where are you at with your peobs these days? Obviously, we are now sponsored by Manscapes again, but you said probably two, three months ago, that you were we saw them never shaved your pups yeah so I shaved them once

that was shame on me that was because I shaved them and never shaved them again that was because we talked about in the podcast

and I was like I went to Ellie you don't mind me pubs do you as you're gonna see and then I showed to my pub and she was like

yeah is that the first time seeing the pubs does she nother off blind what I think she just blacked it out you know like the CIA with documents

she was a I don't think you should put on the record that every time your wife has seen your cock that she's been blacked down. Oh, I'm launching your marriage. Harry, we saw your pubes in Turkey. You'll find out why in the special. You need to shave them. Yeah, I need to shave them. Well, I think the big thing is me, me gooch. Like, you could hold that like a troll's hair, like from the 90s. Like, it's, it's, it's, it needs, like, you could plop it. That needs sniping, but I don't. But I be careful with that. Don't shave. Don't. Yeah. Snip.

Manscapes? Snaving. No, shnav it. Yeah, but I use a lot of the manscape from my face. I prefer my moustache to be in check than my pubs to be in check. Do you use the face?

Manscaped? I just use that as a blade, to be honest. A bull. Fucking samurai. No, me balls are fine. But I'm like you, all my shower gel goes... Lives in Texas.

All my shower gel goes in the, in the bollock area in my pits and then this one... No, I said the exact opposite. Carl was with you. No, no, no. I said, you'll... No, no, no.

I said, you'll lather if they're well, but you don't share it. Lather. Yeah, your mom's pubes is a good... Lather, in it? Lather. Lather's posh. Oh, sorry, maybe I'm pox.

I'd rather laver. I'm at my absolute record low pub count at the moment. I'm the most trimmed I've ever been. You don't clean? I've done... It's like my dick's been conscripted to the army. It's a short back inside.

Yeah. Because I have seen... started wearing a coch ring that I got from love honey how often for the love

making and also sometimes for the wanking but it's a proper like it's a proper pincher

it goes it's not on it's not on the shaft talk me through the benefits of a cock ring

well it's this QVC go on talk me through it yeah and there's a limited

time off and Maureen in Scumthup just bought five we it goes below so it goes over the dick

and then over the balls and it makes, yeah, all your balls and dick are like scrunched up it's like, you know, at the end of a loaf of bread where they sort of tie the... Yeah.

Does it make your cock harder? Yeah. The cock is harder. Because it keeps all the blood in. Oh, God. And that's how I say it to Laura. My cock harder because it keeps on the blood in.

How is your balls feel now? Under pressure. Like Freddie Meachry? Yeah, that's what I said. But that's what I like. Doon, do, do do do. It feels good. And then you sort of, it gives you a bit of control, more control.

At what point do you put it on? Well, last night, there was Frisk agreed. And I was like, cool, this is it. We're winding into sexy times. So I was like, I'll put it on now. Great. And then Laura's like, hey, can you tell Eta to go to bed? so he was already down she was downstairs i thought she was already in bed

so i had to uh redress and uh go and do parenting duties with a cock ring on you sent your daughter's a bed wearing a cockering you left it on you did not do that i thought i was saying please dan say you took it off well i mean she's not the wiser is she yeah yeah yeah yeah i didn't go down just wearing a cock ring listen i've been a parent a while and i'm not saying the best of it but i i know what you're not meant to do you're not I'm meant to go, come on, what time is this? Yes, you're looking. I know you're crying. You wouldn't have seen any of this if you'd been in bed.

That is obviously going to get you sent to prison. But yeah, it's all about... It gives you more control. It feels like it. Like, as in you can decide when to come. I can have more influence on the decision. What happened? Did you stay harder after you come?

I'd have thought it would have made you come quicker. I thought it was better, like, fun for you. It's the opposite. It makes everything... Yeah, but it's weird. It's sort of counterintuitive. It feels sort of amazing, but then you also have a bit more control.

I don't know. Good? I'm just telling you. Getting it on and off, when you've got long pubs, absolute fucking nightmare. So... Did they get like...

No, it's just... Because it's quite... It's like when you put swimming goggles on. You got hair. It's exactly like that. I mean? Ninety-93. That's when I last remember doing that.

time i'm a i'm a i'm a shorn man down to the shavs i am i want to talk to us about a little sudden i nearly brought this up on the patron episode but we had to cut it out i had to ask permission to tell this story um have any of you and i don't know whether you'll want to admit to this but certainly not in specific details you've been for like a medical appointment with your partner and it's for them. Yeah, when we lived in Leeds, we went because Laura was having the coil fitted.

I've done that with Seneca. And, uh... They fucking whinge about that, don't he? Yeah. And their body rejects it in Laura's case and it goes on and on and it looks graphic and you're trying to be supportive and you're nearly pass out and you get asked to leave the room.

Oh, I was outside the room, I just heard her. Oh, right. What? Okay. Is that what she wanted or... Right. I mean, Laura was like,

no, you're in here with me. Is that like a reverse birth then? No, genuinely, you sat at the, the top end and holding her hand.

No, it was like, fast forward, rewind on a birth. It was like, oh, we're trying, no, it's not happening.

Oh, God, no. It was, yeah. And then I, so I was no support whatsoever because the nurse was like,

you're all right. Would you like to fuck off? He's like, yes. Cool. Okay. So the, the story that I'm about to tell

sort of starts there with us. Right. So, a lot of women try and get the call of us and it doesn't quite go into the poor there reject it

right that's what the nurse says and well there's many reasons this can happen talk us through it Dr Roe

bad pussy damaged pussy oh god big pussy little pussy Carbone pussy Colby L pussy Which one is it

because there's not two there's a couple one and a hormonal one, isn't it? Well, it's a police officer. It's a contraceptive that, like, can be very effective, but it's very painful. They're literally stabbing into, like, part of your ovulation bits. Just know what he's talking about.

So it rejected it. It body rejected. Okay. And this was a while ago. It just a common thing. A couple months ago. And she's having quite a bad time. She was diagnosed with something called PCOS,

which I think is put the card open, sorry. I thought they were the unpaid busies. What? I thought they were the unpaid busies. Yeah, she's a police community. That's a PSO. Support officer. I'm sorry, you can't have the coil.

So we need more of you, breed. She got that diagnosis, and she was just like, I don't think that's right. What, is that polycystic ovary syndrome? Yes. Right, okay. It just doesn't make sense.

She was like, you know, a lot of people, who have that have really irregular periods. Like they're not on time, they're late, they're, like, they can happen really early in the month, really late, like mine are pretty regular. Also, a lot of women who have PCOS grow a mussy against their will.

Like hair growth in a test tube. It's hair growth. Oh, jeez. Like, like, fucking Evan all amazing. It can cause hair growth genuinely. And it's also, in a lot of the time can be a, painless syndrome, it just causes issues.

I had a next girlfriend with polysisteric syndrome. No, well, no, but she had a four-inch pub near a belly bullet. So she was like, she was, I just don't accept this diagnosis. I just don't think it's right. And I was like, hey, look, from what I've read up on this, I feel like that is the right diagnosis. Because I've done some reading, you know,

trying to be a supportive partner. but at the same time I'm a man and I'm not a doctor not yet what is a man what is a man what is a doctor

so I was like I didn't even say to her look I've read up and I think this is the right thing I just thought it was but I was like look let's just pay to go to a proper specialist and you can have this conversation

with that doctor and that doctor will be able to tell you whether or not you know they agree with diagnosis. The best gynecologist, which is like

medical term for pussy doctor is in Stoke. Really good pussy doctor in Stoke. Oh, they know their pussy in Staffordshire. And it's 250 quid

to go and get the initial consultation and examination. Now. Paid online or cash in hand? Invoiced after the fact. Cash in on. That's been going to be

dodgy with that. Stoke. So we get there. And this is like, you know, I love the NHS and it's done it's a lot for me and my family throughout my life

but it's in fucking dire straits at the minute and like within the whole the NHS is in a dire strait tribute band I just sang the start of the song so within about a two minute conversation with this doctor

he was like I don't think you know that that's what it is just conversation or do we have Biff out at this point so this is the thing nice he just went now He looked at her scan and was like,

that doesn't look like PCOS to me. And then he asked a few questions and he was like, based on what you said in this scan, doesn't feel like it's PCO awesome. You've not got a muzzie. But that's basically what he said. He was like, look, you've got nice eyebrows and no mussy. Oh, he's lovely.

Right? He was just really calm and like, yeah, you know, what's happened? He said, if I scanned seven women, one of them would have this exact same scan you've got and one in seven women do not have PCOS like it doesn't feel like a right diagnosis to me and he went but do you mind if I have a look

now I'm sat in the room at this point and he's an attractive doctor man oh is he and I just was like I don't know whether I can stay in this room but then I was like you know what Adam this is unique ego, this is the male ego, and you have to just accept that this is a medical procedure and it's not sexual. Can I just ask, if he had been like an old munter or a lady, would that

have been fine? Was it the fact that it was a lady? I feel like it should be a lady. That feels they have to get a chaperone, they have to get a female chaperone to come and watch him do it. Right, okay. It brings his mum. And I don't know whether this, it will sort of resonate in all your heads. Like, I can see from Carl's huge struggle with this, wouldn't you? I'd be in the exact same boat. Obviously, it is medical and get it done, but I'd be like, this is weird, isn't it? I sort of had a little,

I reckon everything I've just said to yeah, even though it took me like 30 seconds to articulate it, I think it all happened in my brain in about four seconds, and then I just stayed at the ceiling, I counted five Mississippi, and then I'd convinced myself to just be okay.

I then sort of brought my eyes down from the ceiling and looked in his direction and the bit that made me nearly throw up he took his ring off he had like a big ring on

and I've seen him go I'm not married for this bit and I think I've thought about that three times a day since it happened I could

draw you a frame by frame video of him taking that ring off anyway he was right is it is it just because they're pussy

there was no judgment on your wife's biff there was it like he didn't have a look and go fucking hell you could lose jewelry in that that was just a hygiene thing yeah it's a hygiene thing

good point Stephen Gerard I've just realized I've just realized I've got my yeah I've got my own on I'm a part-time kind of colleges

and I keep leaving it in winning any walletins That's bye, surely. Do you want it to take it out my gym bag and put it back on? Why would you ever take your head and ring off? Are you flirting with the women and greggis again? Because it's causing a little callous under me ring finger.

You don't wear it in the gym because the bar will bend it. He's hurting my literal delicate hands. Also, you never know who wants a PCOS diagnosis at any point. And I'm here to help. Because she's okay. There's a couple of other, there's a couple of things he gave an opinion on that no one else needs to know. And he was like, we need to look into this.

Great tits. Bastards then. Absolute pair of bastards. Well done, Gil. I mean, I didn't ask you to get him out, but... I think Cerick would ask me to leave the room, and I'd be okay with that. Because I'd be like, if I wasn't here this, it'd be happening anyway. Oh, man, when he took that ring off, I was just like...

It was such a visual. I was just, I just rolled his sleeves up. It was massive as well. What? A big sovereign. Stoke again Stake all his Rings off

Bobby George Bullseye I'll be honest I don't think we're going to follow that in terms of like just the strength of imagery so let's just have a little break

and we'll be back Clank when he put it down a little bit A little bit of housekeeping please get tickets for the arena and also sign up to Patreon, patreon.com slash have a word pod. We are the biggest patron in the UK,

one of the biggest in the world for a reason. Join the lid army and get all of the benefits and there are fucking loads. What's the next special, Dan? The next special is the Dragon Boat special. Which we filmed before we went to Turkey. I had some reservations about and I found the whole thing fucking great fun.

That is such a... turn around. I hope it comes across on the special how the start of the day I was like, ah! By the end of it I've never wanted something more in my life. Did we do it? Tune in to find out. Yes, comment below.

So, that's on Patreon. But do buy tickets to the arena. It is going to be amazing. We had a meeting about it yesterday and like I'm excited. Where did they get tickets then? And you should be. Have a word pod.com. All the links are in the bio. So hang on. This month's special.

October special is the Dragon Moat. November's is... Turkey. Turkey. December's is... The roast. January is... Harry Day, probably.

Harry Day and February is the arena. Yeah. There's a little... Exclusive, everyone. Exclusive of all the next specials. Yes. What about March, eh? You need to decide.

I'm not fucking signing up. They don't even know what's coming out in March. There's a little inside of the knowledge there for everyone listening. And then what is Kilimanjaro April? I don't know, yeah. Maybe even later than that. It's a big boy that. Let's commit right now.

Killimanjaro. First of March. That's for Wilms. Yeah. Will. Throw himself off a mountain. First of March, Kilimanjaro.

It's not. By the way, it's really not. If you don't get it by then, send some mail in to Dan Nightingale comedy at gmail.com. I mean, you can if you want The 1st of March Is St. David's Day It's a Sunday

You don't usually get them on Sunday Death Gweild though The first ever Sunday Patreon special Sunday Sunday the first of March St David's Day St David's Day Which it was the patron saint of

Kilimanjaro And I hope you've enjoyed the quality of the specials that Will has been making He won't be making them anymore Because he'll have killed himself Sunday the 1st of March If you fail to if there's anything wrong

If you go on Patreon that day and the link's not there, just email Dan Nightingale comedy at gmail.com or text them on CC and Adam Rowe comedy. Just feel free. I don't use that one anymore. I'm almost sure that's not true.

Shall we do some questions? Where I go? Oh shit. I always forget this one. This one is like the default now. Where's on? This one's from Ryan Beagles. You know, before you...

So there's a dog thief in the paper. You have to be popular with a name like Ryan Beagles, don't you? I've only just really noticed how cool that sign is, you know. Three years in. No, but it isn't shown enough as a chubby. Yeah. We don't flex it enough. I think we need to have a revamp of the studio.

you know. I agree. And that should be like more central. Will people freak out? I don't care. Fuck them. All right. Comment below. If you've got autism, that's your mum's fault for taking parisites. I'm all the big stupid bitch.

Tyler now. Just to recap. Your mum's a big stupid bitch. Allegedly. And that's Dan Nightingale comedy at gmail.com for all the complaints about that. Would you all be sad if we did the revamp? Comment below. No, I don't care whether they'll be sad.

Fuck them. I know. Don't fuck them. We do respect. They're really important. No, I know. But like, they don't get to choose

when we deconate. I know, but you don't know what the revamp is. You're going, just change this. Like, this is, just sit on the floor there.

I think we need to get rid of the desk. Wow. Wow. I think it intimidates some of the guests, some of the bigger pussies that we have on. Well, fuck then. I'm scared shitless right now. It's going to be quaking.

This week's guest is Harry Robinson. It's going to be a confusing episode. really desk on I like desk it's a big conversation to be I want to know what Ryan Beagle said I want us to continue the scheduling meeting

and the revamp comment below Ryan Beagles do you not just think it's time we shake it up a bit making a bit more relaxed man come on man just not feel a little bit formal man we're just walking here man

it feels like we're like it's very interviewy like and I don't mean like like a PR interview every guest that comes in it's like hey what are you going to bring to our company? You did interview me behind the desk the first time I came in.

It felt it was cool, actually. I just noticed Dan had very white teeth. That was my first impression of him. I whiten for every interview. That was also because we were in a cupboard in Runcorn and we didn't have any other place to do the interview. Maybe we should make the guests higher. Maybe it's because you're looking down on them.

Put them on a stool. Yeah. On the couch. Just raise the whole thing up six feet. So Janine Haruni. Can you hear you hear me? Janine Haruni. She is Jew back on.

She's a very, very good guest. She's Arab and she's D-U back on. She's a very good guest. She's fucking brilliant. I think she's wonderful. It's not even like a fancy, I think she's just great. It's an admiration.

It's a admiration. She's meth Batman. Ryan Beagle's sets. She's just a great comic as well. Like she's a brilliant comic. I like that. And a great mum. Ryan Beagle says,

you've got a lovely sign. Why don't you show it more? I already covered that one. Ryan Beagle says, if... Tell us what he said. Ryan Beagle said. It's the most buildup to

the biggest bollocks question ever. If you say, in his prime, not now the big fat twat, had four legs. Do you reckon he would break his record, or would the weight of the legs slow him down? Instead of arms?

I guess like... Like a dog? Is he on all fours? Or a wheel? Is he a quadrupede? Is that right? Yeah. Well, it is the ways to answer that question. Would he be faster with no legs? No. I don't think so. Does that answer the question? No, because I don't think if you keep on adding leg, because at some point there is a threshold where too many

legs does make him slower. Too many legs. Too many legs. I think three. Because he has a gallop in it? Does he have to learn how to run on them again? Because he'd have to learn out to... It's two extra legs. It doesn't mean he loses arms. No, no, no, but I'm saying

we don't learn how to walk with four legs. Can you name any animal that's got four legs and two arms? No, they're all... Centaur? Does that have it? Oh, yeah, made up animals. Any mythical animals? And they were fast as fuck.

Buckbeek's got six arms. Did we all start as quote? On all mammals? What is a man? Why is it quadruped? It's Paco Ripon! It's four legs, isn't it? We all started, didn't we?

We started down there, yeah? Right. These were legs at one point. No, Ryan, I think it would hinder him horrifically. At one point, they were legs, and then they just turned into arms. Yeah, they were. No. We came from monkeys.

Monkeys have got two arms? Where did monkeys come from, Adam? Africa. There you go. Every mammal, I think, originally, was... They all came from the sea. Four-legged. We all came from no legs originally, yeah?

I don't think that that's true from a brief Google that doesn't seem like this true Yeah it is Yeah everything was C Everything was a quote Everything had bent over Everything had four legs

Nothing evolved Originally going These are fucking sick What? No, no way What do you mean? The first? Every mammal that we have come

If you go back far enough There isn't a The mammal The first mammal that went I'm not going to use these I'll just stand up originally they were legs they've all come from some form of

okay I apologize you were right millions of years ago oh who's asked about that I'm talking about like the 60s when we were evolved from monkeys everyone was Benzo made someone alone 1961 Africa monkeys

then they came out mid-60s we won the World Cup fucking stood up that's how we won yeah Bobby Moore was the first that might be my favourite act on the pod but I don't fully believe in evolution anyway welcome to the church of Adam

I don't believe that, probably that guy He's a man of Christ now I do, I believe in a lot of it I just don't like I think everyone who's got two arms and two legs has always had two arms and two legs Yeah, no. Yeah. We have.

I've always had two arms and two legs. You're spot on there. No, but that's not how... Our species? Yeah. Yeah, we've always had two arms and two legs. Yeah, you're right. I'm not arguing with that.

Okay, what are you in argument then? We are evolved from mammals that had four legs. Name that mammal. Name that mammal. Here we go. Janine Haruni. What mammal have we come from that had two... I have four legs?

Name the ancestor All mammals The original mammal All mammals Mammal 1 What do you mean Dinosaurs What were they called

I don't know Adam Just because I don't know We didn't all split off Like originally Like surely all mammals Who have got these fucking Have all mammals got four

Like limbs Didn't we start in the sea No whales are mammals aren't they? Yeah. Do they have four limbs? No. Yeah, but...

All mammals give birth Yeah, but they did. Except for platypuses that give birth to eggs. Hang on. Whales came from land mammals. So yeah. Like mammals.

He crawled in, didn't they? Yeah. Oh, did they? Hang on. So, so, just let me rewind a minute. Let me get me out of it. The original,

the original whale went and went, oh, these are useless. And then gradually they were like, oh shit. Sharks give birth of sharks, mammals. No. Sharks, sharks are fish.

The balls swimming. Sharks like eggs. This is giving me a stroke. Sharks like eggs. No, sharks caught the pussy swimming. That's a fact. David Attenborough. Fox.

You're telling me, because before you were all telling me that we all came from the sea, so you're telling me, we were in the sea, we walked out, and some of us went, fuck that,

I'm going back. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, we got sidetracked by whales. The reason whales are mammals is that if you trace their evolution back, They came from a land-dwelling mammal who went, well, it's nice in the water.

Yeah, they flopped in. And they stayed in. Before all of that, we blubbed out of the water. So there was some of us that were in the sea, came out and they look around, and then went, fuck this, I'm away on me, I'm going back. Yeah, bollocks. Yeah, 100%.

Quite a reductive way of seeing it. You're so gullible. You need Christ. Dad, they all gone on a boat, too, with him? I hope God exists. Just so Adam can argue with him. the pearly gays you're a gobshite

I want to call him a gobshites I'd have some questions yeah that's from my very limited understanding that is I just feel it sounds like bollocks done it so it does sound like bollocks

well yeah but what were we evolved from my understanding of evolution here we go is like what about tuna what it's a fish my understanding of evolution

is you adapt to your environment yeah yeah so whatever environment you're in the various species adapt to whatever environment they're in and that means you know we've grew opposable thumbs because we started using fucking knives and forks and that so we but like we needed these

we needed these because of our environment yeah to climb to climb and stuff that's why you got nails and stuff absolutely so we were like right we need some thumbs we need some nails and we box that off I'm being cute. Again, it's not how evolution works.

Do you know what? I'd love to climb that tree. Oh, this is just evolved some nails. No, but like over a long period of time, that's essentially what happens, isn't it? Whales have those bones as well. Whales have like five finger bones, just they're in like a flap.

Yeah, because they're a mammal. Because they used to be on land. Well, here's me question. And to you, right? At what point... Thanks, Ryan Beagles. At what point... At what point did the thing just before the whale,

right? Yeah. The one who crawled back in, why did he develop the ability to breathe underwater? Well, that's the mistake you've made there because whales can't breathe underwater, they're mammals. They have to come up to breathe. They hold the breath.

Okay, so why did they develop the ability to hold the breath for fucking weeks on end? Because it's the same environment thing that you just talked about, about, oh, we need to climb up with trees. The mammals that are in the water, we need to hold our breath for longer. That would definitely help.

But why did they get back in the water in the first place? It was too hot. You were in a panji? What? Like... You were all in Pangeas. I haven't discovered... This isn't my PhD.

I've just watched something. Like... Yeah, and I think you've been fucking very gullible when you've watched it. Hudwinked. You're taking everything of face value.

You need to ask more questions. I'll start asking more questions of Netflix. Yeah. Pause it, Laura. Come here TV. This is ridiculous. What was happening on land?

It did. No, well, wait for the credits. Find the director. Get his email and be like, listen, fucking Billy. raise billy director we've got a billy director oh yeah yeah we are for now but you just need to ask more questions oh this animal's on the land and got back in the water because he fancied fucking having kids in there we need to get forest galante on

watch this joe rogan episode who's that he knows everything about every animal ever he'd be interesting because he'd be able to give you the proper answer but but again that i want someone a few levels down from him because if he knows everything about his every animal. We just trust anything he says because he could just say, oh no, fucking monkeys. You've actually got three arsoles.

He's in the pocket. We'd be like, oh, have they? He's in the pocket. But like everything he says is gospel in it. That's why I don't trust experts. Because you'd rather argue with people that just watch something and don't really know what they're on about?

Well, I just think if I was an expert and someone asked me a question I didn't know the answer to, I wouldn't want to look stupid, so I'd just make something up. Say aye. To be fair, if it came out today that monkeys had three arsosos,

souls and it was you just believe it forever wouldn't you yeah because you're not going to check you're not going to check the monkey what monkey the monkeys at the zoo or if they're like no they're like all the assholes are under their arms I think someone would look no but I'm saying I wouldn't know verifiably I believe what I'm told because I don't know right yeah I think but that's there's a sort of collective that we were involved in it like I don't check everything I just sort of you know believe people I don't know how a power plant works. I just sort of go, you know what you're doing. I know how how can it works?

Nuclear fishing. Fuel. Fuel. Well, that was a fuel, boys. Once again, thank you, Ryan Beagles for that question. I reckon he's slower with four legs. Of course he is. Unless he evolves into a horse.

The big fucking whale. Would a leopard be faster with two? Horses are faster with four. Two-legged horses never win the Grand National. What's a fuck? But they're not... Are they as quick off the mark as Usain Bolt?

Can a horse run 100 metres in 9.58 seconds? Yeah, well faster. Is it? Are you fucking stupid? Probably like five seconds. I thought like horses didn't have the acceleration of a human. Oh yeah, they're shit off the line. Yeah, were they famously bolt, though, don't they think?

Have you watched... I don't watch horse race. Have you ever seen it one time? Oh, is this another fucking vegetarian thing? Is this more... Oh, leave the horses alone. Those horses have a good life. They get the best buddies and they get to fucking win a trophy.

Apart from the shot in the head. Apart from the ones that get shot in the head. They only get shot when they're shitted their job. Which is a new policy. You have a word. Finn, would you rather be a field horse just going, or like a fucking horse?

You're going to wear the clobber as well. But no one's asked. I don't think horses have massive egos. I don't know. They do, though. Do they? Yeah. That's why the best horses win like loads of races

because they're like, that's why the dressage ones are all prancing about. Yeah. rather be a dresser or show of Frankl? Oh, that's Frankl. One of the greatest horses ever. Dressage, that looks cool.

It looks cool. They never get shot. I mean, it looks cool for the horse. How do you know they're not liking it? That feels like peacocking for a horse. If a lady horse sees a man horse doing the chat-cha slide, it's going to be like,

yeah, obviously. He is right there. You can't force a horse to race. They race because they want to. You can take a horse to horse, but you can't force the cha-cha slat. And also, if it doesn't race, it gets shot in the head. That's not true.

And if it falls over and... It's not true. The horse doesn't start to blow its head off. They only shoot them in the head if it's being like cruel to be kind, and it?

If they're in so much pain that like death would be the sweet release, then they blow the horse's head off. But they did make them jump over the thing that they've broken the leg on. No, they chose to jump over it.

No, they got taken in a van and putting a stall. If the horse doesn't want to jump, pick him refuse. They do refuse. And then it won't get its head blown off. I mean, it gets whipped quite a bit to do it. No, they don't.

That's a common misconception. I've seen them whip horses like. No, but there's an amount that allowed to do if you overwip. No, they're allowed to whip. They're just not allowed to overwhip. Yeah. That's the mistake you're making. No, they don't whip them, apart from the whips.

It's the noise going past their ear. They don't actually whip them. What? It's the sound of the whip that makes them go, not the thing. That's why death horses are slow. Fact. are you saying horses have never been whipped I'm not saying they've never been whipped

I'm saying it's not happening right now have they stopped the whipping this whip rules you genuinely just fucking remember Pavlovian is it he whipped them to fucking the thing

and then stop go on Finn they still use them they've they've restricted it for safety and to encourage the horse yeah come on mate 12 whips a race and the sound. One.

What's that? Did that hurt? A whopah! Yeah. That's horses. Your horsewips at Lovehoney.com. You can. A black one.

Good. Got like a little jewel on the top. Rebecca Goodwin whipped me with that little horse. Great techers. It really worked. Owen Evans says, all right, lads. First time messaging in,

but had to after the other week's episode about getting with your partner early in life. I've been with my wife now for almost 12 years. We got married early this year and got together when we were both 13. I've been dead fortunate that although we're polar opposites in many ways, we've grown up completely simpatico and it's somehow worked perfectly. It got me thinking, if you were all to meet your partners earlier in your lives, which version of you would have the most,

which version of you would have the most chance of getting along with your other halves? Take the age gaps out of it and imagine you were the same age, the same time. I'm talking if there was ever any goth stages, artsy personalities, or even some choice outfits on display. Well, that's you now.

We're... It's a hoodie. A shit one. It's a hoodie. I was the same person. I just like football. My mate. I think I'm the same person.

That is exactly the same as now, Carl. I don't think I ever had a stage. I don't think you did either. Also, you did meet your Mrs. Really young. But you had a stage, you had stages, didn't you? More than us. Yeah.

Did that? You had a punk phase? Yeah, the punk face. Yeah, that was 1970. I mean, the Mahican kind of... Yeah, you had a bit of a Mahican on that. You know what I mean about your punk phase? Your little early press shots.

You look like Keith Flynn. Oh, shit. I thought we were just taking the piss. I just got a stupid haircut. I didn't start going to... Yeah, a punk haircut. I didn't go to punk. It wasn't a punk stage, though.

You were culturally appropriating the punks? Yeah, but they're white. Wasn't, didn't punk who last six months? What? For the sex? Summer of Punk. Yeah. Punk has never died. So you had your pill stage, like you go on the raves? Yeah, that would have ruined the relationship.

That would definitely have. If you met Lorda, you're on your rave stage, would you have just passed you by? Well, yeah, I'd have ruined it, totally, because I wanted to go out for two days. Like, it's not, that's not being a good boyfriend. You got two kids? No. Oh, no, I definitely can't have a punk hall pill stage. right now. A, I've got no hair for a mohican

and that'd be a wild hair transplant if I was like, yeah, I'll go turkey 19 times but I want a mohican at the end of it. And no, if you're a dad it's really frowned upon, you know, cock ring for discipline and three-day benders.

What was your favourite of pill? What? There's different ones, wasn't there? Oh, I don't know. You just didn't talk anything? Oh, yeah, you mean like the, oh, there's like Mitsubishi's that everyone, I was last like, I just, I did the one that we bought.

It wasn't, it wasn't a really scientific thing of like, you didn't get into it like fins into weed of like different names and, because it wasn't as controlled. You just bought it from some knobbed in a nightclub. There wasn't a menu. Yeah, yeah, you just got a gadi. Yeah, and then helped it worked or it wasn't a good. Was it one at a time?

That you bought one pill. So it worked. No, you're allowed to buy more than, they encouraged it. Upsell them. Listen, you've come back to me six times tonight. This would have been fucking loaded. Would you have six pills in a night? Because I'm not a Pilsman, so.

That's what I mean, yeah. Yeah. So it's like Guinness. Yeah, like Guinness. You've got to let it settle. And what's the gap between taking the pills? So when I went clubbing in, in like, the early 90s, 2002 to 2006, 2007, the pills were dead weak.

They were really shit. If you talked to people who were, like, clubbing in the early 90s, they had, they bought one pill and it lasted like four months. they used it like a salt lick they honestly it was like they were a tenor a pill or something and you like have half and that would be you for the night

but over the course of the night is they just got Did you ever just get like an unfung or far? No I saw people do that and I just remember thinking you're fucking idiots but you just sort of slowly over the night yeah

yeah five yeah five pills over the course of a long night and would you be chin and pints flaming sambucus yeah Sex on the beach. No, but like, genuinely... I wouldn't have a pill without a peanut collada.

You know, that's me. No, like, this is a genuine question. Do you not mix with alcohol? Did I sniffing? Um, no, probably not. Maybe you'd have a pint at the start of the night, but once the ball got rolling on actually going clubbing, that's why those clubs hardly sell any alcohol.

They just sell tons of bottles of water. How do they make money? Because the water's so expensive. It wasn't stupid expensive It was like I mean now if you go to like an I-Beta super club The water's like 15 euros Oh right yeah we never did that

We went to Sankies and stuff like that It was like 15 quid 10 15 quid to get in That's how they made most of the money Yeah And then did you just rave man Yeah Just raved

Yeah we just had a dance And then you'd get fidgety And then you'd go back to someone's house And then you'd have afters And then you'd do more drugs and then you stay up to like 8 o'clock on a Sunday morning and then it gets sketchy because the normal people would be like

Is that from Friday night? Probably not, no, but I did that a few times where you'd go out on a Friday. If you went out on the Saturday and you'd not slept at all on the Friday, almost definitely you're not getting through to Sunday morning because your body's just, it's so fucking bad for you. You'd just start like feeling sketchy.

But we'd go out. after a gig I used to do a gig to like 11 o'clock the frog would finish at 11 we'd have a pint at the frog and then it was near Sankey's so you'd then I'd basically go I've done my comedy night that's fine I'd be social at the bar

but then my clubbing mates would come and I'd meet them there at half 11 and we'd head to Sankees and it's almost like the night would switch and we had a couple of mates who didn't do drugs and would come and drink but they'd be gone by like 3.30 in the morning which is not even halfway through the night.

It was great. I really enjoyed it. I had a fucking great time. The best bit as well was the bit where the dance floor had gone off and a few people had left and you'd be like, should we go back?

There was something magical about that because it was great having a dance, but once that energy had worn off and the atmosphere had gone on the dance floor, go into the afters. Chat and shit. Oh, mate, that was the best bit. The first two,

or three hours of the afters where everyone was there and you've got all your stuff, like it starts getting weird at about 6am because people have fucked off and then some people just can't keep chatting and then it goes weird. But those few hours, oh, I loved it. I miss it.

I can't do it anymore. Absolutely don't want to do it. No. Like one a year? Like a little reunion. No, can't do it. No. It's also, it was perfect. It was of the time as well.

Because all my makes me doing it. It was a different time. But it was right at the time. Now I'd be like, I can't stay up till 7 a.m. Because I'm fucked for the next four days and then I'm this shit dad. Here's my question.

Because I've got literally no experience of this. What were the hangovers or come downs like compared to ale? You would get a taxi back from whoever's place you're at. And I almost never had the afternoon. if there's at mine because I was in shared houses with comics. So you couldn't take people back.

That's well out of order. So you'd be getting a taxi home at like six in the morning or whatever. You'd get in bed. It's such a weird feeling because you are tired. You're so tired, but you are awake.

Like it's a brutal, like... Is this just pills or pills and coke? Yeah, both. But mainly pills because we were 23. You can't, like... Spending 50 quid on a gram of Coke that is gone in 20 minutes. You're like, what on earth? Like, that is a lavish choice.

So there would some, but it was mainly pills. Then you would have to either crack one out, which was fucking emotional. Or, like, honestly, some of the three-hour wanks I've had where you're like, oh, please turn the internet off. Or you just try and ride it out and fall asleep, where your brain. So everything about your body is going, probably lie down and close your eyes. and you do and then your brain's going

It's absolutely insane. And then you start thinking because you don't want to night out when you're on the piss and you have a great time. Imagine being able to remember every fucking second of that. Like it's such a mental thing

so you've taken in all it's so overwhelming if you think about it, the amount of conversation and chat you've had and it's been intense because you're like, yeah, I'm really into that. And then it's playing out in your head.

And then you get, the older you get, the more you're like, you need to sort your life. You can't be doing this. This isn't good for you. You have to fight that back as well. And then pray that you just fall asleep. It could take so long. Like, you could be lying in this weird fidgety state.

And then the worst thing was where you're like, oh, I can feel, like, your heart's still like doing an unreasonable amount of like, is it BPM? What's your heart? Yeah. And then you'd be like, you're almost like, oh, I think I'm going to sleep. And then, and then the thought of like, oh, you're going to sleep,

you had to go, no, you're fucking no, it was awful. Or if you need to piss, you're like, oh, God. Sounds class one. No, that was the, but that's like, but that's like saying, that's like saying waking up after a night out and feeling ill on alcohol. I mean, if you just talk about that bit, you're like, yeah, I'll get that as well. It is why I think my problem is better than yours.

I drink, I get hammered. I, by the way, I do know that, like, obviously, the in-joke on this podcast sometimes is that I'm full of ego, and I know I can get really pissed sometimes. But I am pretty good at being able to drink for a very long period of time and into the early hours, and I don't need to do the subs. I can go out at lunchtime to watch an early kick-off and still be in the pub. I'll be pissed at 2, 3 o'clock in the morning.

That's great. Still drinking pints. And I'll go home, and I will collapse. asleep, there's no fucking far mix for happening in my head collapse. And every dickhead thing that I've done the night before, my brain

deleted from me. Yeah, it's great. And that's why about 27 years old, I went, you gotta stop doing this. I think I was done with pills by my late 20s. I was like, and I gradually phased out because I was like, I can't handle this. You know you know how you boozed when you were 18, 19?

Like I was, that was the, I was such, I got black out drunk, never thought about it, never any self-awareness, just like, yeah, this is fucking great. That was how I was with clubbing for the first three or four years, and then that started eroding away and you were like, oh, I've got to stop this. Because I totally agree. I was like, that is awful.

That was rough. But that was only a rough hour and a half. The rest of the night, I absolutely, I adored it. It was so much fun. The problem was, then you had to sleep for like so long. So you'd be in bed for hours and hours. you wake up the next day you're not hung over like ill hungover but you don't feel right and you don't think you ever felt right on the Monday by Tuesday when all the is it serotonin

what was the stuff that you know for me yeah that all of that stuff that you'd used on the saturday night wasn't there at the start of the week and what did he call them like suicide Tuesdays you were like oh my god it was like you were just flat so it's it's so intense when you're up but then when you're down it's so much worse whereas booze in and that's why coke's popular because coke's like a little bit of that and now you're back to normal little bit of that it's basically why it matches well with alcohol alcohol is basically the same theory but it's just less intense you just do it in five six hours seven hours then you feel ill the clubbing thing is so much more long like the night is so much more stretched out compared and it's intense when

it goes but then the up is hot like it's amazing but then the down and i suited it because i didn't get horrific down like down periods and it didn't affect my mental health but some people i knew were like i can't handle this and just had to stop because it was dragging them too low by the tuesday do you have a last night do you ever feel like okay this is i'm done now and then you were i tried to a few times but it doesn't work like that does it unless someone puts a massive block on it it's very easy to go like i'm not doing this again and then four months later or if judas sells you out to the romans judas sold me out to the romans so we went to sankees you mean the final hurrah did you go like all right wow i i i'm not doing that ever again

and then you maybe they didn't like once or twice but like like the regular thing was done no it just it's just sort of gradually went i had a mate who joined the forces who had to go that's me done because he'd be tested and then thrown out the forces that looked difficult because he was still having a great time but then all of a sudden there was a reason for him to stop I'm so glad I did because I know I've fucked around with coke and stuff and whatnot but that life that hollers you out man yeah we met Sean Rader

he's a he's quite the man but he'll he done that for decades didn't he get his contact to get him on we did then he wants to come on yeah so we should follow up on I would love to hear his version of that would be amazing Oh, he's got so many stories. He's such a cool, cool guy. But, you know, but don't do drugs, is what we say. Just have a pint or 16.

Have a pint, man. Yeah. It's a cozy pub season, brother. Get that fired on. One question. Was that one? Oh, what was it? Ryan Beagles.

Right. And then there was an advice, would you... Oh, that was the advice? Would you've got with Laura while you were pill in? Would Laura have got with you? No. No way. It wouldn't have worked with you.

would it? She's with a six-foot-seven guy. Oh, yeah. She'd be with Derek Chazora right now. Was she Pilling? Or was she? No. I'm currently the best version of me.

What? That was the question. Oh, right. I just, honestly, I thought you were just saying that out of context. I thought you were just trying to move the conversation on. Ah, that's fine with that. I'm currently the best version of me. I think we all are.

Hmm? I'd say. Yeah, when I got this most. Oh, you're the best evasion of you from when you started here. There's no, they wouldn't have touched me before like, yeah, before like a year and a half ago. I had like a magic phase. And if you shave your pubs, you might touch you more.

Yeah. A magic phase. I did magic card, like, card tricks in school. I had a grime phase at one point. I know. Oh, he's got a rap that he's got on his phone that he won't show us that he did in school. Yeah. You wrapped when I was 16.

He will show us because he told us for the reason. No, I, no, I won't show you. I've got, I found it. It came out when I was, I'd had a beer. I was shot, we're, yeah, me and my mate, Ollie were like, we're going to become grime artists and we like, when we're like 16. Ollie and Harry, the Grime Boys. Is this in Parbold?

Oh, it's in Oldskirk. Oh, it's in August. He'll hate the fact that I've mentioned this. Like, we got brought up the other day and I was like, like, what were we thinking? Well, yeah, we went to go watch like Wiley and that, like, big into it. Still, I love the grind. And I love grime, but I'd never, can be one. Yeah.

you know not for us is it i had i had a name and all sorts what was your name name was kaiser but with like a y but with an s er because i couldn't go for the z because that was too like street i wasn't straight enough for that kaiser's not a bad oh i gave that's not a bad that's very sad because it i gave real thought into it that's actually quite good you're a bit you're a bit of a history geek and you're into and he loves germany what's kaiser got to do with history just the band aren't he what the Kaiser

I was in the Kaiser chiefs I was in the Kaiser chiefs as well when I was 16 what you mean the Kaiser the German Kaiser started the First World War or helped start the First World War he killed Anton Ferdinand famously

killed Anton Ferdinand I'd like to commend us all for not making a John Teddy joke I just think we all did really well I didn't say it Oh, God. Let's have a break. Oh, Mark Nelson's here.

Hey. Hello. And today is the 30th anniversary of one of your songs, isn't it? That you like? Not a song. A fucking album. What album? Morning glory.

Morning glory. 30 years today, mate. And when I was having a poo before, I was on me Instagram, not Twitter, because I've deleted it again. I'm just trying to cleanse it. my soul. And Mark posted that, uh, what's sort of, was, is 30 years old today. And you, as part of your post with it. Yeah. Because you like that album. I do. Yeah. You said it changed your life. You said,

I don't want to be like, what, what? It sounds pathetic as fuck when people put that kind of stuff. Because I've heard like music people saying stuff like this. Like that album. Like that album changed my life. What? It's a carbureth hanging behind you? Luke Combs' album surely changed your life when you're first there, did you?

We'll get into that in a minute. That's part two of me, conversation. Peace. A little teaser for everyone. Hey, stay tuned. Stay tuned. How? How?

Did that album change your life? How did that album change my life? Liam Gallagher raped my mom. Nah, nah, nah, nah, no. Unreleased, I? I thought he'd have more to do as well. With us more than glory? No, it was just...

I don't know, like, Finn, you won't get it as much as me because you're a lot younger, but like I was, I was... Oh God, 16 when that was released and like a wee kind of gimp at school and that... He is related to all of this, by the way.

You know how he got into Oasis? No. supersonic. Was it? Yeah. So it wasn't through the music. It was just through the film. My mum and dad didn't really listen to music in the house growing up. Right. So I was listening to whatever my brother listened to, essentially. Which was good, good music, to be fair.

And then... What was it? What was your brother listening to? 50 cent mainly. 50 cent, the streets. That sort of thing. It's all good music. Yeah, it is good music. And then when I was, I think I was 15, 16. Yeah. I just stuck Super Sonic on. In my head, the Gallagher brothers were Joe Sasha Barrow-Cohens, like... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was them. And I watched that and went, fuck, like, this is, that's what it is. Yeah, man. So it's the same, and it? You get an identity immediately. Yeah. Like, you're stealing an identity from someone,

but you're like going, fuck yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I belong. Yeah. Now I can copy someone else. Exactly. So is it just a change life because it changed what you listen to?

No, the music, I don't know. I don't know what it is about Oasis particularly because they're not the best, music. They're my favorite music. They're not the fucking, calm down, Finn. They're not, let's not start off bad. They're not the best, though,

in terms of, like, technically or anything. There was just something about them tunes that just spoke to me. No, I don't think it is. I think Noel Aller goes, an unbelievable songwriter. I think, like, there's loads of better. Can you name better songwriters? Paul McCartney. His generation,

probably Damon Alvin is probably a better songwriter. Oh, come on now. No, I prefer, I don't prefer Blair or Gorilla, technically, rather than... Because OASIS is connected with people, like, no other band is connected with people. But, like, what makes a technical good song, right?

So what makes them better? There's sometimes more interesting stuff going on. Like, what? He's talking about, like, better days and stuff? No. Like, more... I went to open showers. More interesting chord progressions and kind of slightly different sonics,

whereas Noel Gallagher is pretty down the line fucking sick though class he's not the best guitarist he's not the best singer

not the best song around but there's there's something they're greater than the sum of their parts you're getting you

right oasis card taken off you by Mark Nelson it's one of the wankiest things I've ever heard in my wife

fair I get it I don't know I don't know what it is that kind of connected with me but I was just

yeah I was at the right age to find whatever my wage were you then 15 or 16 right

was everyone into it where you were from was everyone away like you weren't not i didn't everyone was an oasis fan that you just took that for granted and then you were like oh what else do you like like maybe you like pulp maybe you were maybe you like but everyone liked oasis but i mean i loved all of that all of that era music like that's proper like adored that time in the mid 90s and so do you think no galaga's the best songwriter of this generation yes best than bob dillon yes same generation

They're both alive. Like, Bob Dylan wasn't writing songs during the Ottoman Empire, was he? That's famous. Hang on, let me check. Blowing in the words. Do you need to reference Dan's head, by the way? He's not well, baby. Poor baby.

Bob Dylan's lyrics are better than Gallagher's. Nah. Mate. Like a rolling zone. I won't play it. I'll read it. What Bob Dylan do you? have you been listening to?

I listen to Bob Dylan all the time. You just think I just listen to fucking country. You've never listened to Bob Dylan with us. He's watched the TikTok. Oh, right. Did you watch the film? What film? Timothy.

He fucking loves with me. But we're still trying, so you should know this love we share was never made to die. I'm glad we're on this one-way street, just you and I. I'm never going to say goodbye because I'm never going to see you cry.

I swore to you my love would remain and I'll swear, I've read it all over. Can I raise you? She's got a sister on the palm of her hand of a blister. I've never understood that line.

Etting in the kitchen. Yeah. Missed that. What? That was Westlife. Nice. And their class? Westlife.

Better than all of what you're talking about. West life? Yeah. Yeah. Better. Don't. Let's not do this. You all accept,

by the way, I gave you Bob Dylan as someone I've never listened to. Couldn't tell you what he looks like, sounds like, fucking smells like okay and you were like oh yeah no one said that you just played dance you all loved it oh my you just gave no Gallagher the nod over it you listen to those lyrics and you're like oh yeah it's quite good then but you know you know there's some good

ones from Noel as well it was fucking who's the main guy with the head is not the main guy is he west live yeah i don't know the tall one oh i thought it was like the one with the head like the blonde fella kean yeah no he's not the main one he looks a bit like hitcham steps yeah It was the guy that was married to Kiri Ketona. Brian McFad. He's the best one. He offered the way ICE is a hand fight. Yeah, that's fucking incredible, man.

One of the greatest tweets of all time, yeah. Did no Gallagher ever do that? Pathetic. He wished AIDS upon Damon Alban. Yeah. Did he? Yeah. It's quite nasty, isn't it?

Is Damon a part-time policeman? Not that I'm aware, obviously. It's got PCOS. Sorry, that was mixed as well. Shagging monkeys or something I was ever going to get AIDS just during the Battle of Brit Pop

as it's called Who was it? Oasis and Blair Yeah Anyone else? The Spice Girls got involved Did he? Met Melsie offered Liam Gallagher to scrap Didn't she?

Boys own held the coats Spice girls were not Boy's own Were not part of the Brit Pop Like they might have said some stuff They were not part of any Brit Pop Like that was not The Spice Girls

That was the bands No but there was so many bands that were like kind of brought into it that they probably were. Was boys owning it? They were that time, weren't he? Class. Nasty. Especially Keefe. Who's your favourite Spice Girl?

Jerry was my like sexual awakening. Same. That union Jack thing. Oh, fucking unbelievable. That's why I don't want people raising the flags because I get turned on every time. People hang them from their house. I don't say it as racist. It's just I'm walking down the street, isn't it? It would have been amazing if she'd done that when the Queen died.

put that union dress on and just her tits out and just half-mast. How did it change your life? You still haven't answered me? Just like jail, because I wasn't that, I didn't really, oh, the flesh is going to sound so wanky,

but like I didn't really know any identity of who it was and then suddenly I could be like a week of fucking. But it was also like, at that kind of time, like I was like a wee kind of fucking nerdy wee guy at school and then that was the time

when all the really cool kids didn't hadn't passed exams and could stay on to fifth year that we have in Scotland so then we moved up an entire social level over summer and then Oasis came along and we were like yes

we're the fucking noise now. So what is that? You don't do fifth year if you no because you've got exam we call them standard grades and then if you don't pass them you just drop out of school at like 16 Oh, so you, like, go to college, basically. Well, you go to boots.

That's what we go to. So if you stay on, it's like, it's like the equivalent of us doing A-levels at 16, right, okay. Oh, so then you were cooler then because you were the older. Yeah, we were always kind of in the medal. Like, there was the bullied kids, and then it was us. The in-between us? Yeah, pretty much.

I, yeah. And then once... That's what I don't like about the name of that show. It's obviously a brilliant show, but they're the bullied kids, aren't they? They're not actual in-between us. No, because there's... The other kids that are on that show that are the bullied kids. One of them is Will, who's the bullied kid?

No, no, there's another kid. There's the two on the school council or whatever. The true in between us in our school. Never got bullied by like Donovan. Yeah, they just kind of sailed through. You just missed it all. No, you're right, yeah, yeah, yeah. They get picked on by Donovan, so they're sort of...

The best way to be in school. Were you in between us? Yeah. Oh, God. We were like top, top half of the in-betweeners. We're the cocks of the interiors. They just sail through school. You don't have to.

Don't be a gimp, please. And don't try and think you hard. Just like, you're up a leave. Yeah, just go. Yeah. Just go. Early on in your life, if you've got any kids, if you've got any kids and you think they're going to be a bit,

shit or footy, just tell them to play right back or, like, defensive mid. No one wants to do it. They'll get to play every fucking game that they ever get. Like, they'll get in the team. They just sit back, win the ball pass it, teach them to do that. And then let all the fucking. non-chuk-wield and MMA fighters be the strikers.

Yeah, because they all go to prison. We went to very different schools. What were you, Dan? What were you? Dan was playing fucking croquet with nuns. They played croquet with nuns. I haven't got the energy to fight it. My headache's so bad that I'm like, yeah, I did.

Play croquet with nuns. And they beat me. And I liked it. You looked like you've got a Nelly tribute tackle. Yeah, it was good. He had a plass on his head, didn't he somewhere? Like a shite Marcelus Wallace. Was you all school like a nunnery?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was nuns, wasn't it? It was a Croquet Academy though. Not nuns. Yeah, because I was raised deeply Catholic, as we've talked about, several times. Yeah, I always forget that nuns are just Catholic.

So what were the people who, because you're, it wasn't about... Teachers. We called them teachers. You know, because they were professional as well. Not a nun in sight. It would have been suspicious, really, in a church of England grammar school. What is she? you doing it?

No, there was no nuns. I wish there was for you. That was rugby though. Oh, were you? No, no. We had to play rugby. We weren't allowed to play footy. You weren't allowed?

You were a theatre kid, weren't you? There's no theatre at our school. I thought you went to a drama club. No footy, no theatre, no tellies, no pens. No nuns. No croquet. It was a shit at school. I miss it.

Just a maths. No, it was one of them schools where it was cricket in the summer and rugby in the winter but there wasn't a school team if you're... God, I wish I had it on there. Yeah, it was no...

You played 40 at break and stuff. There was no actual team for the 40. It was not a rugby team? Yeah. There was a rugby team. Yeah. And you were on the rugby team?

No, I was a... No, what was that fuck? I was rubbish at rugby. I was... You were on the cricket team? I'd never made the cricket team either. to be good at rugby is it might be a bit ignorant

isn't it not just being like fast and strong there's not a lot of skill is there and that's why I didn't make it medium size pace weak isn't like I'm a big guy and then there's a little guy and then everything in between yeah that's all right cow one

you've got to be strong or fast or ideally fast and strong yeah to boil it down I think and I was none of those things either together or individually. So I was in the in-betweeners of like rugby. There was the squad, there was the B squad,

and then there was, well, they've got to have a sports thing, so we'll just let them idiots run around on the field for a bit. So when the rugby matches were on, what were you doing? They were on a Saturday. I didn't ask. Yeah. What were you doing? What were you doing?

What did you do on your Saturdays? I was smashing pus. I was smashing croquet, just in case those nuns ever turned. up again. I was having a normal Saturday. Were you not a sports kid in the school? Played rugby. You're not a sport through than school?

No, you're just like a little... I played rugby. Because I'm from that kind of school as well where rugby was more prevalent in the football. But nah, I wasn't good at any of it. If you tried too hard in our... We called it the... This is bad. We called it the Flid Group.

If you tried... It's bad, yeah, it is bad. But it was different time. So if there was a squad who was that they got... They played for the school, and then the B team, there was also B team matches, but if any of them got good, they were in the proper squad.

In our group... Did the B team go on to play for wasps? Nice. A bit of wordplay there. Yes. That soothed my headache. Love puns. If you tried too hard in our group,

did the A team ever rescue a village from a load of warlords? Yeah, well, that's... what they did on Saturdays, you know. I'll never know. They're going to where? Where's the game? Ecuador.

Weird. Yeah, you couldn't try too hard. But one of them can't fly. I've got a question. There was no black guys at last go. The way Dennis Beard camp used to drive to the European games. They missed the tea drive to the bad guys.

Because I know he was going to get on no plane. No, they knocked him out. They drugged him. They drugged him. They were all hypnoted him every time. Every time. Because I had gone on the plane. And then they'd rohpnal him.

No one got sexually assaulted. God damn it, Murdoch! Yeah, I'm on a plane! Every time. Yeah. They give him a drink just before playing time. So every episode, was it episodes? There wasn't a film, was it, it was a TV series?

It was a film as well. So every episode he'd be like, hang on a plane! And they'd be like, shut up, lad. Yeah. And then they get him on the plane. They shot him in the arm. That's why he was borderline retarded. Because they drugged him every episode.

He was a college professor at the first series. God, damn, Murdoch! he'd just wake him up and he'd be like oh my neck with him he'd always be angry no he's fucking raging absolutely furious and then he'd find himself in a garage and he had to make a tank from a load of paper clips and that was literally every episode did it begrudgingly do you know when it was class the first time i ever seen rocky is three rokey's one yeah mr t yeah and but this is the thing right so mr t is the character from the A team, isn't it?

Yeah. Right. So my dad, I remember him telling me, oh, that's Mr. T, that. And for almost my entire, like, teen, childhood and teen life, I thought Rocky and the A team were, like, the same universe. They're not, are they? It's B.A. Barrackus. Yeah.

And what was he called? Club Alack. Club Alang. Here, boy. So what's the man's real name? Well, Mr. T. No, what's the, that man? What's on his driver?

that's his name that's his that's how he like that's what they say I think his name's like Terry Tomboller or something and because it's both T he's just Mr. T

Terry Tombole Hang on so he's Mr. Thin can you use the internet and find out what Terry Tombole is your name who's B.A. Baracus Bia Baracus is his other name

from the A. He's three names. What do you mean? Bia Bacchus is the name of the character in the A team yeah right so he's not Mr T in the A team no he's Mr T in life

I didn't know that he is he is yeah He's now Mr. T just in general. But what was he born as? Lawrence Tiro. Trey Tom Bowler. He's born as Master T. I didn't know that.

I thought they were all the same universe. That's blow my mind. You thought Club, you thought the Rocky, to this, to right now, you thought, I thought that was Mr. T. You thought he was like in the press conference. But I thought Mr. T was the character. Yeah.

Same character in both things. Obviously he looked at the same, but not. They talk the same and act the same. Well, well, well. Oh, yeah, he's not got much of a range. He's all the same, isn't he? Yeah, Mr. T's not got a massive range.

He's never done anything for the RSC. Like, he did the snickers of it? Playing Othello. Can't resist. Where out, though, boy? Jester. Now, whose catchphrase was that?

Was that? Pity the judge. Pity the fool. Is that A. That's a pay the fool. So that is... A peer the fool. B.A. Barracus.

Oh, you're all right. I don't... He's got so many names. Wait. One minute. He's got two characters is what he's got. Is he not Mr. T in the A team? No.

No. He's B. A. Barrackus. So, we'd come up in the craze. I thought his character name was Mr. T. No, B. B. B. No, sorry, Mr. T as B.A. Barakas. Oh, I've got them the wrong way around.

Yeah, sorry. Same. This is just a man who played two characters. That's like that's all this is. I don't get it. It's like David Swimmerby and O.J.'s lawyer. Do you know Benedict Cumberbatch isn't actually Dr. Strange? He is Sherlock, though, right? No, but they're all stupid names.

I didn't know what was his real one. I didn't know his name was Mr. T. Yeah, B. A. Baracus sounds more like a person's name than Mr. T. that's a fair I'll give you that I think what's happened there is they wanted his character

to be realistic in the film in the program it's the rock it's the same as the rock yeah for ages it was always the rock

and then and then it was like oh it's Dwayne the Rock Johnson No but the Rock isn't a character is he that's his alias wow we're in the weeds here boys the Rock is a character isn't he

I thought he's a wrestler people for they call him The Rock, don't they? Yeah. Like, The Rock is in Welcome to the Jungle. Oh, yeah. That is true.

It's not Dwayne Johnson. Wow. How would you, if you meet the Rock, how would you introduce yourself? What's happening, Dwayne, lad? Would you call him Dwayne? I can't look at a grown man in the eye and say, what's happening in the Rock. I can't do that. Missed the Rock.

Because I always thought that with the edge. Unless it's Chris Rock. You too. The edge. Yeah. Like, do you see. Honestly, you could be the edge. And I wouldn't know.

Yeah. And the drummer and deaf leopards got one arm. Who's the, the edge is the guy with a constant beanie. Yeah. Yeah. Can see it under his drums. That's like Freddy, isn't it? I guess. Oh, don't dead name him.

No, he's talked about it. Oh, is he? Yeah. But Freddy's not his name, is it? Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, he's teacher name. Yeah. Yeah.

Just teach your name. His real name. You have to change it after the allegations. Yeah. His real name that I remember from living on the same street as him when we were growing up. Like, he was years younger.

He was years younger, but, like, I know Freddie, is he? He's about five, six years younger. Yeah, so my little brother, did you ever play footy with Freddy? No. Or rugby? No, but...

Or crochet? Yeah, we played crochet. He was in with a nuns. Crochet. Yeah, I knew that. name from when I was growing up because he lived down the road and then like it was I think it was basically at the point where I think we were seven or eight years into knowing Freddy before I went oh my god you're that Daniel kid that lived down the road like totally made up kind of be great

for tax purposes that in it like fucking sit on that I don't know why I use my real name what stupid move that was what you're going to change it to randy damage I can't see past terry tom bowler at the moment kind of be randy damage Macho man Randy Damage? No, just Randy Damage. I'd look, Randy'd be fucking great. You'd suit Randy Damage. Thanks, man.

Dan Nightingay. Didn't enjoy that one as much. But when you're wearing a migraine gel thing on your forehead, you can't really argue it, can you? I think the tax would probably see through that one as well. You sent a tax bill for Dan Nightingale. I'm actually missing the Dan Nightingay. Make sure this gets to.

who it needs to get to, if you know what I mean. You know what I? I feel really ropy. I'm still enjoying it. Have you got a migraine? I don't think, I've never had a migraine, so I don't think this is. Because I, my eyes hurt and my head's sore,

but the fact that I'm still sat here having a laugh, I don't think this is a migraine, isn't it? Now, you wouldn't be doing very well under studio lighting. Sensitivity is a big part of it. What has brought this on, Dan? Don't know. It's usually dehydration, isn't it? Have you drunk enough today?

I'm trying to. Carl. I'll drink a little bit more now. That's what it is. I haven't even cracked one out this morning or anything. So that I'd add to the heavy? It's the hydrating you. Well, I haven't then. So that's good. Dan, have you tried growing the fuck up? You tried that, Dan? Oh yeah, I feel fine now.

See, Dan Nightingay wouldn't have dealt with that. Is there any comics you knew before comedy? Like that? Only, do you know, Des Clark? Yeah. Yeah. I was at uni with him. And neither he did stand-up.

that nervous to stand up. That's madder, isn't it? We both did politics at Glasgow uni and he dropped out and he told me the last day just after the last exam he's like, I don't think I'm going to come back this year. He dropped out after

the last exam. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was like... What, a third year? No, first year. Oh, yeah, right. The first year and I was like, fuck, how bad did it go? And then he was like, no, I'm on BBC New Comedy Award tonight. And I watched it that night and he was on. And he hadn't fucking mentioned it to anyone at all in the whole course.

He's now doing that breakfast show with Grado, isn't he? Yeah. Yeah. It's like the biggest breakfast show in Scotland. Yeah. He's the nicest guy. He's the guy. I went to Dubai with him in 2005

and me and him were the guy that wound Dave, the guy that was running the thing up because we didn't want to go to a brothel. I don't understand. We're paying for them. We were like, yeah, we'd just rather go to a normal club. Let me get this right. Let me get this right.

We're offering to pay. And you want to go to a normal nightclub? We were like, both like, yeah. Honestly. Yeah, the promoter in Dubai was like, I just don't get it. He went, you know the women at the nightclub? You can't pay for them.

All right, right. And then we took us to a normal nightclub and it was humor with us a whole night. I'm on his side. Dan Nating Geh straight. The lads last month One of them had three What was Dubai like in 2005

It may have didn't exist Was it there Was it the same? Yeah no it's just a desert That's why I got taking out to do gigs there With there's Clark No it was I don't know

I've not been back since But it was I bet it's changed so much But it was still pretty built up But it's constantly growing Isn't it Dubai So much money there yeah When did it all boot up?

in like the 80s 90s when they built. Oh did it? Yeah. See, I'm with Khalid. I thought it was a lot more new. I thought, I'd say like 2010 onwards as when like... Yeah, I honestly thought like genuinely, 2005, like maybe they had a comedy couple in a brothel, but that was

there. No, there was skyscrapers and shit. There's loads of expats. I hated it. I really didn't enjoy it. But it's apparently it's much bigger now than better. We went to the old town just to go and see some stuff, which is the bit

where they first found oil and they built, like, that's the first buildings that were from their sort of Western money. And then there's like a class system in Dubai where it's basically like Americans and the English and then there's like, is it Indonesians? And then...

It's not a class system. It's a caste system, literally. It's basically, you come over to work, but you are in this, like, set. So all of the original buildings from when they first found oil is now where all the Indian and Pakistani workers live. and it's it was wild

it was like going back in time there was a fair and it's one of the ropiest fairs I've ever been to and we were the only white people there because that's not what you meant to do in Dubai you meant to go to all the skyscrapers and go oh look we're in the rich bit

but we wanted to go and see something else and yeah there was like the fair was basically a couple of rides and then just like for you know when they're doing work on a building site and they've got like skyfolding you know cubicles What, like the little porter, porter offices,

and it was just freak show after freak show. Did you go in? No. She just couldn't bring myself to do it. There was a fox woman. Just some person that's been born with horrific disability, and they're like, we know where you can make money, love.

Dubai. Isn't this the plot of the greatest showman? Yeah, and then we started a show. Me and Des McLean were like, Des Park, we're like, we should start a show. It's a fox woman, not just someone rifling through bins. It's a ginger woman. Women rifling to her.

Was she just dead airy? I don't know. I don't feel very well. Oh, was she not like in the window? It's not like Amsterdam. You can buy that one. Now, you're just sort of going. It's the most depressing thing I've ever seen.

Does the folks women have to wear the burqa as well? Defeater point out. It's the only reason you can tell us because of the tail. Wagon under it. Wait a minute That's a small child with a fucking feather He's fucked Oh, damn

We'll just put Mark there And we'll put Harry back there I can't do a podcast I can't concentrate I'm being shit You're not being shit You're very interesting there. Told us all about your little trip.

Yeah, and the nuns. We were in Dubai. We went to our two nights in Dubai and our honeymoon, right? And that was the first time I'd been as well. And we were in the old town. And you don't realize that the slavery still exists. And there was a load of guys that would sleep on a roof quite near a hotel. So we'd see them every day.

And they would get up and do the call to prayer early in the morning. And I'm not proud of this, but it was one morning because it was her honeymoon. Me and my wife were shagging and I tried to time my Yelps to their Yelps and the call to prayer. Just kind of, I'm like, I made sure she should face East as well. What is that the face? East thing? Mecca. Mecca.

The bingo? Yeah. It's face of the Mecca, Bing. Oh, East Plettscott Road? What the fuck? Oh, we've just unlocked it on there, you know? Wow. You know the actual Mecca?

Is there a Beaker king next to her? No, I don't think so, no. Well, it will be. Do you reckon? Yeah. Is it about... Are we allowed in Mecca? Yeah.

There's tens of millions of people visit it every year. He's to wear their shoes and stuff. We're allowed to. visit as the Muslims are allowed to go in and go, oh, this is cool. They're not like... Are you? You're to brown up. I'm not doing that.

I don't think you are allowed. No, you are. There is a bigger king in Mecca. There's what? There is a bigger king in Mecca. Fuck off. It's mental. We've unlocked something there. You know, East Prescott Road, Mecca.

It's ranked number seven of 20 quick bites on TripAdvisor in Mecca. Can I ask a serious question? Is there... Is there... Is there bingo in Mecca? There's no gambling, is there? No. well I'm not going then

are we not allowed in we are allowed in we are allowed in yeah they want people to go don't they their whole thing is hey we're doing it right are you take your shoes off are you allowed to go as a non-muslim into the sure you just have to wear what into the mosh pit of faith

what's it called where the old I think you have to like how do they check whether you're a Muslim as long as you're wearing the hat you know what I mean oh wait attempting to enter Mecca as a non-Muslim can result in penalties such as a fine. So you're not allowed?

And you'll be deported. Well, free flight home. Then you have to buy one way. 800 quid to fly home. 10 pound fine, free flight. Thank you. Just go. I'm interested to see what, obviously it must be a gaffe,

mustn't it? How do they check whether you're a Muslim? You'd need to provide documentation on the way in. And anyone not showing proof of being, and a Muslim will be denied entry. What's proof, though? It's a letter from you in a man. If you smile.

Say it again. They show you a picture of 9-11 if you smile. Oh, Mark. In you go. We'd be allowed to. He's coming on naughty form. I'd like to see her because it looks beautiful.

Is there only one maker? There's only one. In my head, that's the big thing and then the all run rounder. They don't run. They walk around it, don't think. I know, I can see what you, I think you've had,

no, no. No, that's bringing around the roses, Carl. That's, they're doing a tour of it, aren't he? They're going. Yeah. Mine handed it about 10 years ago. Did she? Yeah.

You now went to Saudi Arabia. That was her last big trip. That's quite cool. What did you say it was? nice I think it was like that's that's their that's their

nebworth in it did she have the wopper what did you eat it's 7th for best quick bites I think she just had an ice cream it's not a burger

kind of gal I'm glad you answered the question thank you let's go and get down better let's have a break let's give down a glass of water all right Hello, everyone.

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Stop it. You're looking more like yourself there, Dan. Thank you, Adam. Bit of colour in your skin. Thank you. I'm coming back. I'm not wearing the headphones, though, because it's loud.

Thank God we did that pill on the break. Let's do some advice. You're a Pilsman. Hey, I used to be. You were talking about this with Dan in the first half. Dan loves drugs or used to. Yeah. I really, on record, don't love drugs anymore.

You know, because I'm not allowed to take him. Yeah. Because I love them too much. That's what happens, in it. He was telling us about pill culture because me and Carl, I've never been pillsmen. Ah, you're too young. Because we'd have been right when pills were good.

Me and you're done. I think I started later, though. You in the 90s doing him Yeah I was like a little later How old were you mark? 44 I yeah

same age Are you 44 Yeah How old are you starting on the Gadisbach Sounds like an intention You said you were 16 when Oh be here

Is it be here now's birthday No it's what's the story's 30 today It's like in 96 Yeah 94 You're my age So you were 14 when it came out yeah mark no what i was born in 1980 it came out 30 years ago today so if you're 44 then you were

14 oh fuck no wait a minute here hey no them numbers were mark 15 15 sorry 15 right i didn't realize it was 20 25 45 45 in a month yeah so you were 14 you were 14 when it came out because it came up here's years ago today. You'd about to turn 15. Just to be absolutely clear, I did maths at uni, and I remember the first week,

we were taught 30 plus 14, 44. Yeah. The first week. They're like, you need to know this. This is the basics. So you were doing, you were on the pills way before Dan then?

Not at 14. No, but like, he was doing them early noughties. You were doing in the 90s? Ah, so like, I was a bit of a late bloomer there. I was like 21, 22. 99, so 18.

Where were you going? Oh, fucking one of the three clubs in Dumfries. The super clubs. You said you started in 99? Yeah. Was there anything that like sparked you starting it? Was it like Diana or something? Y2K.

She was still alive then? No, it's 37. You're genuinely getting Diana confused at 9-11. I remember the day night. You are after, aren't you? I am, yeah. The big two. Dian,

I'm 97. I was 12. August 31st, 97. There you go. Was she 97? August, 91st. Bank holiday weekend as well. Rewind.

Yeah. That's a shame not doing it because I reckon if that wasn't already a bank holiday weekend, they'd probably give you another one for it. If they could have just killed her a week later. Oh. Did the yes.

Or give us a decent one. Wait till January. Fucking. do her in January? You want a January bank holiday because Diana getting murdered.

It's fucking awesome. Yeah. What you do with that? That's Adam's birthday. Oh, a weekend off. I've decided what I want to do for me birthday

and you've all got to come. Go on. Do you want to go to Tanzania? Guess what? Now, when my birthday is Sunday the 11th of January, I want to do a Sunday day drink. Okay, that's fine.

Start at like 11 a.m. dream? Did you think you were going to get any pushback on this? That sounds great. Yeah,

that was the most agreeable thing I've ever heard anyone suggest. Are we eating before now? Yeah, we'll eat it

like, we'll go for like a big brecky 11am and then on the aisle. That sounds good. Yes, please. Some 40 on as well

Sunday off as a decent game. Yeah. I think Lift Hill might play and I said that weekend actually. Oh, that's what I'm waiting for.

I didn't do a good job of like when we were taught at lunch when my headache was sort of starting to hit me i was like i really didn't explain how good it felt being up on pills because you were like god it sounds awful do you remember getting home at like six in the morning you couldn't sleep and there's that really sketchy bit where you're dying to go sleep but your heart's going but i hadn't sort of totally encapsulated how fucking amazing it was for the three or four hours where you were up and you felt elation

and joy and like connected to everyone on the dance floor and that was it was bad like three days afterwards but you it was that it's that I've referenced it a few times that bit that you say about a hangover is is no what drinking is basically stealing happiness from tomorrow yeah like yeah pills are like stealing happiness for the next month yeah pills was taking all of the happiness like that like wave where you're like oh I'm connected to everyone everyone's having a good time I feel class that's how I feel when I have the roast dinner sandwich after my Christmas dinner. You know, like two hours after Christmas dinner

when you get a bit hungry again. I've got so much roast to give. And you're about 12 cans in. That's how I feel. You have it that night. See, for me, that's a boxing day. Yeah, well, you're an amateur fatty, whereas I'm a full-time fatty, mate.

No, like, I have... That has offended me more than Finchite at the start of it. So here's my Christmas day. Oh, this is a... Like, in the next couple of months, this is a good... What's your perfect Christmas day? No, just watch your Christmas Day.

Like, how'd you actually do it? Like, I'm in charge of Christmas Day. Now, like, I do Christmas Day. Do I mean? Yeah. I lead it. My dad, my brother, come round. Jack and his Mara come around.

I'm coming round the evening. He's coming round in the evening before we got the fucking bono. Jack... Jack Finnegan and his Mar are coming around to yours for Christmas. Yeah? Wild. Why is that wild?

What's your Mar doing? Was she just a fucking free agent? What's your Mar doing? What's your Mar doing? What's your Mar doing? Oh, right. I thought you were stealing Jack Finnegan and his mum, like, yeah, yeah.

We're not inviting the rest of the Finnegan. They're boring. No, no, no. So last year we lived together. So me and Jack sort of as a cooperative done the Christmas dinner together. And obviously, like, we had everyone round. And then with us moving out this year,

I went, well, I'm obviously doing Christmas dinner again. And I invited Jack and his mom's like, why don't you come back? So they're coming around for dinner. Makes total sense. So I'll get up, presents in the morning As soon as you're up, presents. And while you're having presents,

first alcoholic beverage of the day and mimosa, prosceco or champagne, a little bit of orange juice. How do you do presents? I buy something to give. I know exactly what you're going to say. Because when I grew up,

everyone had to take a turn and you had to sit and watch people opening presents. Yes, that's right. No, now it's a fucking free-for-all. No, so what I do, I, so let's say me and my missus have got each other, like, let's say five presents each, right? I'll be like, right, this is your worst one, open that first, this is your second worst one.

And you build up to the main present. Do you just release the kids into the living room and they can just open everything? Yeah, I mean, like, I pretty much, because, yeah. You lose the thing of like, do you like that? Oh, if they're opening everything, they don't like, they don't appreciate it. I hated that. I hated waiting. Like, I hated that moment of just watching my brother and sister open up shite

that I wasn't interested in at all. So I'd rather my kids just... And also, my granddad was the, like, the present controller. He, like, passed it out, like, like, fucking aid parcels. And he knew which one... He knew how to build it up. So, because kids will go, yeah, I just want the big one now. And then everything else looks fucking shit.

Yeah. So you don't let them go to the big one. first. The big one is the big one. They get down. Their opening presents at six in the morning.

The big one's not getting whipped out till 7.30 a.m. We will draw this out. Wow. Like a 440 match for presents. Oh, it's fucking unreal. It's more like 45 minutes.

But it's properly everyone. And obviously the kids are getting 40 presents each. What kind of dog shit they get in there? It's not like a veep. My sister is the best that, like,

she has a set amount of money to spend on everyone. In the past, she's got me like a travel pack of corn flakes as a present. My cousin does that.

And then she's gone, you like corn flakes, don't you? That's fun, that would it? There starts like chocolate and little bits and like fun things.

That's right? The smallest possible pack of corn flakes. That's fun though. It's funny. My cousin does this and last year was my first kiss

from sweeping me misses and she did bits of that as well. This isn't an ironic present. This is a, like she's filling out of the presents by going, you eat corn flakes nearly every morning,

there you go there's some milk there's one day for you so yeah it's a it's a one-by-one present thing right mimosa with that oh drink that until the bottle's gone wipe that champagne or the prececo out then so what time of the morning is this Adam like what time 7 a.m 8 a.m wow yeah um then soon as presents is done going fuck little christmas morning I'm fucking. Yeah. He's been doing this situation. This is so like

our family Christmas. I'm like, finish the fucking Momotilana. They're playing with the size. Get your pussy out. That's my present. That's my big one.

I've waited 45 minutes to an hour and a half of that. Biff out. Or it's not Christmas. That's why I let them open them all at once. So we can fuck within five minutes. They don't even wrap them.

Come on, kids. does not even wrap the presents. Show up. There's a receipt. If we're not fucking by morning service, it's not Christmas. A Christmas morning fuck. Yeah?

It feels anti-Christmas, that. It does, doesn't it? It feels really. Sexy. Come on, anti-Christmas. Christmas morning is not sexy. Why? There's no need to bring sex into Christmas. No.

That's that? Oh, you married. losers, is you? That's a new year. I'm still shagging Christmas day, mate. I wasn't married last Christmas. I didn't shag Christmas morning either.

Well, that's your fault. What's the Simpsons? He wraps his dick. That's the... Come out. Your last present. A stocking fella. Don't call them a stocking.

Are these corn flakes? Christmas morning, that feels so wrong. Why? There's magic everywhere and you're like... And you're not all the Christmas songs called. All the kids are open presents in the road.

It's passionate, though. It's not like, it's not a form. We're going to make love. Right, okay. Oh, sorry. It's cold outside. It's warm in here. Do you have Christmas songs on?

Because they're on constantly anybody else on Christmas day. Yeah, yeah. When he's making love. You know, the Christmas morning love. Yeah. So we have a Christmas mark. Just pump in a slead.

Laid, mate. Whoa. Bado bubble. Get that, Josh. Christmas morning fuck I'm dreaming of a way you fucking wait Christmas Christmas morning fuck

strip the bed you know get the new bed non What? What? What? What? Do you know?

He's just fuck in it That's the whole point Yeah Just change your bed Every time you have to Because he's fucking Every time you have sex You know what?

Depends you know what It depends how excise as she gets How excited that I get Christmas morning Could be a fucking sexy one. What, I don't think I'm doing this morning

just changed the bed. Oh, Carl, he's right. You go upstairs for a Christmas morning squirt session, you know, everything's soaked. That's mental.

It's not mental. It's the least magical Christmas morning of all time. You absolutely steam. This is 7.45 a. You're bladded from the moses.

You're just squirting everywhere. Right. Is there anything more Christmas? Right. Laundry. It's one of the worst jobs in the house Let's go and do it on Christmas morning

What do you mean? Changing the bed It's just pissed You have to sometimes What's next? Wow That is it It's now 833

Everyone's dehydrated Do you generally change the bed After every time It depends on how excited she's got You know what I mean If it's been a fucking water world splash session You'd have to change the bed Otherwise your bedin's going to stink a pig

and no one wants that on Christmas night. Merry Christmas. I'm not sleeping in the wet pad. It's all the wet pad. Yeah. You know. Then you go caroling. So after you've done your sex laundry.

That's fucking bananas. Changed bed. Just taking this big cardboard sheet. I'm going to go downstairs and I will have, I do two meats, Christmas. so I will have done one shoot a C, the day before so this year I'm doing

turkey and sugar pit bacon ribs bacon chops so I'm going to do the turkey the day before and then the morning of put me sugar pit bacon rack in while that's cooking fuck prep the rest of it

I thought it was going to be change to bed again just in case prep all the veg and start getting that ready then I'll do me little time sheet and then I'll start as soon as the

sugar pit bacon comes out then... Time sheet? What like when a cleaner does the toilet? No. So I'll be like right well the spuds take this long

and the carats take this long so they all have to go in at different times don't they? Because you want them all in like within those times that they all come out at a very similar time

and do that bottle of red bottle of white bottle of rosé on the table all right not in you Pretty much Time sheets A few cocktails

And that While you're having your dinner Have a little post Post meal nap Maybe a second fuck If everyone's in the move for it Get some electrolytes And then get ready

Into my actual Christmas night Clodes and go to pub Christmas night Where's the Where's the Christmas day? What do you mean? Where's Christmas day? Yeah

What do you mean? You just cooked a dinner Fucking gone the pub Where's Christmas Day? Where's the actual... It's just all shagging and cooking. What do you mean? Have you eaten?

Yeah. One sort of food comes out. I don't just put it on the table. I'm going for a kip. The eating is implied, yes. All a few crackers. Tell a few jokes, you know. What time do you eat?

About three. See, that's some massive difference in English people and Scottish people. What time do you eat? About six. Yeah, we eat it later on, because my aunt he works on Christmas day and she cooks.

It's too late for Christmas dinner that three o'clock is the right time for Christmas dinner. I'll dial five for us. How many fucking treaslets can you eat in the day? Oh, yeah, that's like you stock up. But this is what I'm saying to here. So three o'clock is the meal

and then like post nap while just before I get ready to go to pub. Seven o'clock, half seven. That's when I'll have a buddy. What am I going to be walking into when you're out of? Sex. walking everywhere.

Can she go at the pub? Because her fannies and cat-house at this point. When's the magic? Everything I've just told it's magic. There's fucking ribs and racks and fucking chickens and that.

Where's Jack's mum going when you go for a nap? Seriously? Come down for Christmas day. Ignore the noises. That's just the joy of Christmas up there, Mrs. Finnegan. it's like the most like adult Christmas I've ever heard

it's a sexy Christmas there's only adults in the house yeah I know what you mean but it just seems a bit non-magical seems a bit sexy and foody what what's it missing for you what what did I not games should not play games

like what games are you going to play Christmas Day we play games after dinner yeah yeah board games and shit yeah oh yeah yeah we'll have a mid-fuck Monopoly session No, not I've made the fuck, take the fuck out. Carl, you know, I know what you're saying,

but you don't have kids, like, you're arguing with someone who's basically going, I like drinking, fucking and cooking. By going, oh, this is ridiculous. Cludeau. Yeah, it's Christmas. I like to play. Oh, come on, put your biff away.

Let's get the strabble out. Is it? is it you're fanny in the bedroom my car bum bum bum bum bum bum boom because I'm going to me aunties then I'm getting off early to come to yours but I'm worried now I'm worried about what

what I'm going to be walking into I'll have a cocktail ready for you there'll be a sandwich waiting for you you're walking on you a fucking ditty party by the same I don't know what to expect. P. Liddy. Should we do some advice?

I've already played the jingle, but we've just done Adam's Christmas Day. What, Mark's Christmas Day? It's got kids the only as much. It's pretty much the same. Minus the ribs. The audio's revolves around your kids. Yeah.

I mean, like it's, I mean, it is, like, early. But it's not, like, 7 a.m. is standard for us. It's not, like, 5 in the morning around that. Yeah, yeah, 7. 7.8. Like, I don't.

The day started 6. You do? No, the day started 6. Like, 5 is still yesterday. I'm probably happy because I fucking love Christmas. Right. Beyond belief. Like, it's easily my favourite.

So, yeah, then they'll get up, uh, open the presents. I'll start drinking. It's pretty much it. So, but you're not eating till 6. I'll say something racist. When the Queen's on. Yeah. I'll shut at the Asian neighbours next door.

So you don't eat till six and you start drinking at seven? Yeah. Wow. What do you have, do you have a Christmas lunch? No. Right. We have breakfast.

I make a fry up. Yeah. We'll have that about midday. It's worth saying that post fuck while I'm, what wants the ribs go in, the first thing I'll do is make a bacon butty. Your house must stink on Christmas day. It just smells in every room.

Do you have an air fryer next to your? bed. By the way, all I've said is I have a bacon sandwich, a roast dinner, and then a little supper sandwich. Two fucks a nap. Everyone round, and gifts, and ale. Oh, it's just a normal Christmas.

It is a normal Christmas. It's jamper. It's not as much as much as you to make it out. The only problem you've got is that I get some pussy in the morning. See, have you ever been shagging and prepared a meal on your girlfriend's back? I've put food in the oven and gone for a fuck and then come to turn the spuds. Having kids is going to ruin your Christmas.

Why? You know when people usually go kids make Christmas. Having heard what your Christmas day involves, it's really going to take away from it. Why? Is you going to focus on them? No, you give them a games console

as well we are. I'll have a game of FIFA. And then you go for a quick bummer. Let them know. There's your games console. I'm going to bum your mum. Merry Christmas. Kids are easy, aren't you?

I do think that a lot easier than people make a... What if it was a three-year-old? What do you mean? What if when your child's three? And, like, that's when it's magic... In the cage! When it's magic at that point, they believe in Father Christmas

and they're aware enough to know... Well, then, maybe the joy I get from fucking right now I'll get from watching my child open presents and play with them. It's not a line, then. Probably not. I don't think anyone could destroy Christmas more for kids than them looking for batteries

for whatever they've bought to walk into their mum. and dad horsing each other. He just got a little screwdriver as well. Mum's using the batteries. Yeah, you need to not have kids if you want your Christmas to stay the same. No, I'm quite happy for my Christmas to change.

I didn't say I needed to be like this forever. I'm saying that's what's happening this year. And you're very welcome post seven o'clock. I'll be coming round. You are going to have to deal with the supper fuck, though. Oh, is that in the pool? No, all I need, I'm a mum. I'm a morning fucker

or I actually think the best time to fuck is about 5pm generally speaking The holiday fuck That's like post city break But no but like If you can fit that in In your day to day life

That's the best time to fuck You're not too tired Yeah most people are in rush hour traffic So Well I don't work A nine to five And neither does me misses Flex

Sexy flex It's the best time You're not too tired You're not just woke up You don't stink You're a morning fucking aren't you I don't literally take it whenever it's offered

No, you're on the horse now aren't you back on... Morning's all right Before bed's great though because then you get the little post sort of like Shaggy snooze I think my favourite time is November

Every day We've never gone this long with that even trying to do some advice Oh my own's that Watch you're all Christmas like Finn what's a Welsh Christmas

Bet it's fucking shite That's set me up quite well Nowadays Just some cunt collecting the coal I don't think mine's that typical Is just you and your mum No it's my brother and sister as well They come around later

I mean I mean the morning Yeah no Everyone's normally there I'll be actually stay over than I before Yeah Oh that's cool Everyone's normally there I don't get I get up late though

On Christmas Because I'm not asked So I'll get up at about half ten here you go finney we've got you a new l you can add that to any word you like well he's met my mum he's met my mum she's from bristol a new ell um half ten's late that's sad in it half ten it's basically tomorrow at that point that's so sad you should be on your fucking third bottle of prescheco by then you're third

second shag i don't i don't drink on christmas what i don't really drink on christmas oh yeah yeah i don't i don't get potted either I'll just exist save as if for the next day yeah but you do boxing day don't you yeah hot boxing day that's the best

that's the best day of the year you smoke weed that's my Christmas every time you've spoke today Mark's respect for you that's fine I don't need Mark's respect what happens if you have a lady

huh what do you mean have you ever been dating another girl at Christmas yeah oh no no yeah that was your girlfriend yeah yeah I mean since then, no.

No. No, I'm not taking them for Christmas dinner. Not yet. Maybe, maybe. Also, if your brother and his missus have kids, you're still the uncle.

You don't have, like, it's still easier, because we've got, we've got Laura's brother over ours for Christmas, and he gets up at 6am to see the magic

and then goes back to bed. Oh yeah, I do that, but it's a great move. Every year I'm like, you lucky fucker. He's back asleep at like 8 o'clock. I could get a,

dead early but I'd just be watching my mum cook the dinner and that's not that exciting like we don't we don't do the presents to the afternoon anymore we used to do as a kid don't just want to make the breakfast how do you exist in your house just chill in my room like my living room I've got my own living room

you should do that on Christmas morning yeah okay I will I'll play FIFA what do you want me to do be with your mum yeah I do I do go over my mum but she doesn't want me in the kitchen I'm not useful in the kitchen yeah I can you are messing a lot of the best day of the year.

But what am I missing? Just what am I feeling? What do you mean? You can't force the feeling, Carl. You're trying to force your feeling on Finn, who don't give a phone and get me put on loudspeaker. But Christmas has never been that. It was great as a kid,

but I don't know, I don't know. It was never that amazing day that I came my head. Did your dad ever dress up as Santa? Not that I remember. I remember a family friend came around just as Santa. Okay. Was he in?

My dad was out. Now we'll start to see my Christmas isn't that special. Was anyone else in? Who's that? He didn't even talk to you. He was going to straight upstate. Yeah.

My mom was in. Isn't Santa for me? Nope. It's the middle of July. Yeah, ho, ho, ho, ho, yeah. Hello, finish your dad in. No, God, get out of the weather. You've been good this year.

Have a word. Should we do it? Should we do a have a word? What's your Christmas deal like, Carl? It's fucking magical. Let's do it have a word. It's different now, obviously, you're living with my wife. Do you want to do it?

Yes, it's not a... I just get up, watch the Simpsons. And then I had me Christmas dinner. I'm wasting my day in bed. No, with me, I get up at like 6 a.m. It was only me and my mum. So I get up. She'd give me me me get, like, always the best presents ever.

And I watch the Simpsons, and then I go to me aunties. Like, I proper care about seeing my family. Because I don't really see me family in the year. I'm quite selfish. Like, to be on my own at home. So I use Christmas Day to be like, right, I love all you. It's boss, isn't it? That's the best part for me.

Like, everyone being together. doing that this year just in case you think you've had an aneurysm it's the second of October that we're recording this episode this is the start of Christmas isn't it?

Do you get dressed up on Christmas Day? What do you mean? Like dress nicer than you normally would. For the evening. Yeah. So my favourite pub opens at 6pm on Christmas night

till midnight. So I get dressed for that. It's not worth me getting dressed nice before that because I'm literally slaving awake in the kitchen. Yeah, I like to yeah.

You don't have to dress smart. I like a new shirt. You've got to wear something Christmas here on Christmas Day. I actually bought this to wear Christmas nights, but I've worn it now. Definitely can't wear Christmas. After we've done the presents and Laura's going, doing the breakfast and the kids are playing with the toys,

Muppets Christmas Carol every Christmas morning. Yeah, so have you got like traditions. That's what I mean by Christmas, like traditions that you always. Yeah, we play cards against humanity after dinner. Yeah, so that's a tradition. So wholesome. Yeah.

Adam's traditions just include penises. That's going to be really rough because when I'm watching them up, it's Christmas Carol, I know somewhere in the Spanish quarter of Heighton, Adam is smashing pus. Christmas Puzz. I just don't think, yeah.

It's just a lot of form. Just yeah. Just yeah. Can I do a fucking feature? Can I just do one? And we'll go home. Jesus Christ. I've never played so many.

I'm coming back there. Yeah, I feel fine. Yeah, I feel better. Yeah. Yes, mate. Have a word. Dan B says. word for you, lads. There's a lad in our

friend group who does comedians, bits and routines in conversation as if he's the one in the story or he's come up with the joke. The other week he did the John Mullaney bit about breaking up with his dealer almost verbatim. We've asked why he does it, but he normally denies it every time, swears it's real

and just coincidence. Normally couldn't give a shit, but recently he's been doing bits from the pod, reenacting bits from the pod under the guise of me and my mate had this conversation earlier. He He's done cats in the F1 tomorrow morning and he's got a robot nun

and Hope Solo shot dog it ruins conversations and it's embarrassing and cringe he clearly listens to the pod lid so have a word with him people stealing bits in real life I've seen it done I went to I went to watch the Super Bowl in Cardiff

had a gig down there and went to a mate's house to watch it and his, and his, he could tell he was like almost affronted that I was a comedian and you know when people are like

almost eggy with it? I've seen that loads of them. Yeah. Oh, are you? Yeah, yeah. Why are you angry with me? Yeah. And then started doing like a Bill Burbitt.

I find it, but when anyone's like that, I really enjoy it. I find it really funny. I think it happens a lot at like Christmas in comedy. of the clubs when the heckler you get is the funny guy from the office in it who's not happy that someone has finally got their

identity and doing it to an expert level and when it's in person and someone gets a bit I'm like the I feel like six inches taller because I'm just like it's so gimpy also this was Mike Bubbin's mate like these mates with a comedian already

why is he felt really so did you call him out on it? I just went oh yeah he's in Bill Burr and he went no what? Jesus Christ you're like oh mate what a fucking get like you're in your 40s

why are we doing stand up bits in real life and then just not going yeah yeah I did yeah yeah I've seen it but then like fronting it out

like no I don't know what you're on about almost word for word this is awful I have told you this once before on a pod when we first got the studio in Runcorn

I stole one of your bits like this once when I was with an ex-girlfriend and she used the first thing she toasted was the crust of a loaf. I was like, what are you doing?

That's the defender. It's the bread defender. I was like your bit, yeah. Yeah. That is true. I've never toasted, though. You have at the end. If I want something for soup,

it's my soup, dipper. It's good for soup. It makes the best toast. Why do you think people get so fucking agro about meeting comedians? Like, do you think it's a proper attack on their do you know what I think it is? I think the genuine answer to this in my opinion

we do the only job that everyone else does in their day to day life with their friends to a much lower level like everyone pretty much everyone attempts to be funny once to five times a day

yeah everyone remembers the story goes I'm going to tell that to my mates at some point right and someone like you'll be like normal people at the checkout in Tesco having a quick chat with the person who's saving them, we'll try and make a funny little comment

and make them giggle and stuff. And to some people who are low on confidence or who have made being funny to any degree a big part of their personality when confronted with someone who does that professionally,

I think it jars them to the point where they're like, oh, I've no longer got my thing in this group of people. Surely it's inferior. at just the most base level. It's like, oh, they are for either of me. Definitely, they get paid to them.

A very long, I did a very long win the version of that, yeah. Because I got it, like, I've never really seen it, like you had, where folk have done actual bits to you. But, um, had to kind of check me a couple of weeks ago because I fucking hate, like,

and you get this at Christmas dinner a lot, um, where, and we were at, uh, my wee boys thing. And, guy was telling a story and he was telling various deaths and he was like oh a comedian fucking listen to this you'll get a few bits out of this and that nothing annoys me fucking more than I'm going oh my cry if you want if you want some stuff for your routine listen to this I wonder how many times that's been said to a comedian

over the last like 50 years I wonder what the percentage of the amount of times it's been said to actually times someone's gone yeah that's a great bit less than point one percent yeah so surely you switch off and go oh i'm gonna hate this you'll have this in one of your next skits but the skits oh fucking what it takes me to hold me back from just going why the fuck would you think any of this was entertaining you stupid cunt like adam sometimes doesn't refrain from doing that i'll just say it with his face i just do you know i really do struggle. I actually spoke about this in therapy this week. I

really struggle with people pretending. People who are unfuny being funny. And people pretending that they are. Like the example I gave me therapists, which I've gave, I think maybe you before when we've spoke about this.

And you'll know exactly, like we've spoke about this in a different context, which is you hating normal life and the idea of like living in a village and stuff. It's in the same conversation. But like, you know, like you're being, again, like, let's say you're in Tesco and you'll be like walking down one of the aisles and two like colleagues of

Tesco are like passing each other like near you and one of them will say something like where are you going? And the other one will go, oh, I'm going on me break and they'll go, oh, you're always on you break you. And then they both cackle like it's dead funny. That makes me want to blow my head off because the idea that I could be either of those people who's either saying that as a funny thing or pretend that it was funny

and then they shoot me in the head don't pretend to be sexy I don't pretend to be sexy in Tesco do you know what I got fired are you sure why pretend to be like you're clearly not funny

just live your fucking life like when they find out you're a musician do they go Oh, they always do that What you mean? Oh, do you know, I've not found that They've not gone like, hey, here's a song for you

And then just sung like some A story they've told I've not had that, I don't think Surely if your life's a bit mundane And a bit, surely trying to slip some funnies in It's just to try to keep yourself sane Yeah, rather walk past and going, Have a good break

See, Finn, see Like musical crowds Are they a lot? because you have seen both sides of it. Yeah. Are they a lot less cunty than comedy crowds? Yes, in the fact that people don't want to get on the stage as much. But there's a general lack of, like, there's more just talking at gigs, isn't it?

Like, everyone sees that. Well, it's not as reliant, like, musical gigs aren't as reliant on a response from a crowd. Whereas the timing of a crowd responding, like, we've said, said it on here, people can laugh, but if they laugh in the wrong place, it fucks it up. You're like, you're going to a group of people, hey, laugh at this if it's funny. But what you're actually saying is, please laugh at the right time, to the right level. There's so many variants with the comedy crowd that can be off. Their attention, them not getting the joke, and then just a table talking, or then just

the one person who's got a ridiculously loud laugh. There's so many variants that sort of fuck up the rhythm of the performance. music's so much more durable than that because you're banging out a song that what is played on stage regardless of the reaction in the crowd will almost be identical every time, won't it?

Like Oasis knocked out those songs there was ones that they kicked off on and there was maybe ones that weren't quite as lively but a band goes, we'll do this if they kick off at the end of the song they're like wow yeah it's really great but it's not actually changed the song in any way whereas a comedy crowd you're relying on them

to get the rhythm of it. Otherwise, it changes the performance, doesn't it? If they don't laugh, you start fucking panicking. If it's all over the shop, you start having to tighten it up. If they're actually, like, if you think they're, oh, they're going for the sort of more long-winded stuff,

you can do a longer story. Like, comedy crowds, we need them to do so much to be right. Would you make it more skillful? Would you think it's more skillful being a stand-up or a singer-songwriter? A singer-songwriter, I would give the edge maybe to that,

just a singer, a stand-up. Someone who doesn't write their own songs is not as, because I can't do stand-up. But also a good, and I can sing. A great stand-up and a great singer-songwriter because there are singer-songwriters

who are just doing the fucking basic stuff and we've also, I mean, I've watched enough gigs. But I've watched enough gigs to be like, you know when people are like, oh, he's a comic, you're like, well, I have some ideas about that. I don't know what we were talking about. Doesn't matter, does it?

Mark! What have you got coming up? My tour starts tomorrow night. Where? Dundee. There you go. You've missed that.

As always, as... It's for all the great start. And then... When are you in Liverpool? When am I in Liverpool? Right, give me two six. I honestly don't know why we...

Like, we always like plug Liverpool more than anything else, but like it's such a... Is it in Liverpool? Hot Water? It's in hot water, yeah. We're friends as well, I suppose. Yeah, but Manchester as well.

Froggin' Bucket, Manchester, Leeds wardrobe. 8th of November, Mark Nelson, at Hot Water Comedy Club. When's he in Manchester? He is in Manchester. And the 9th, I believe. Yeah, that's very well rooted. And what's the website there, Finn? I'm on Ent24.com.

You got a website, Mark? No, that's my website. Thanks for doing all our listings. That's how I used. That's my nickname at school. N's 24 Thank you for listening and watching Sorry for being a bit of a fucking washout

Well, you did well You did really well done I need a Feminax Express You know, you haven't had that at all no I just can't wear it It's hurt in my head Your head looks good, you know Thanks mate

We got a song for the Is that ever a legit compliment Your head looks good Honestly It's good Do you know, I've not enjoyed this episode as much because of your fucking attitude and then you go. Sorry, Matt.

You've travelled for this. You've been great. You've been great. Not been able to pick my kids up and then you're sitting there with your fucking plaster in your head. I owe you one. I've not promoted this yet, but just announced a Liverpool gig for me and my bands. We've got Liverpool, London and Manchester.

Links are all in the bio. or my social media. Where are they? The, well, the 8th November in London. But that's not a clash. We're going to different ends of the country. So don't be split between me and Mark Nelson. You're doing any covers?

One cover. What's the cover? Secret. It's a noughties banger. That tends to be what we do. Is it a Westlife one or a boys' own one? It's neither of those. It's similar, though.

You're not miles away. What do you reckon is the worst cover you could do? me personally there's a few Kanye West songs I wouldn't touch yeah we're getting trouble yeah

yeah I reckon that I don't know what no gold digger wouldn't be that would be like I could do gold digger everywhere

yeah do the radio edit do the chair messing window broke broke broke broke broke bro broke did Gary Glitter's Christmas song what's that

do you listen to that every Christmas that's the final nail in the coffin today Finn what's Gary Glitter is a Christmas song do you not know this

Sounds like Adam's Christmas Dan That's what Adam fucks to Yeah Rock and Roll Christmas Another Rock and Roll Christmas Another Christmas No

Fux kick I think that's I don't really know Gary Glitter's discography Because he's kind of been cancelled By the time I know that one He'd been cancelled by the time

I got to you know Jailed Yeah he'd be jailed He had a couple of dodgy tweets You know what it's like now That's a woe No nonsense. This week's band is called Airflow. And this week, there's been a lot of tributes on social media from people I know. Their guitarist, James, sadly passed away, but they had a song out yesterday. So this is their song. It's Airflow and it's called Bubble. Go and give it a listen. And, yeah, rest in peace, James. That's going to be the last song, then.

This is the last song. All right. Okay. Well, it's been a pleasure. Thank you, Mark. Thank you very much. This has been a pleasure. See everyone. finish. That expression on your face That expression on your face Learn a lesson there that day breathing in breathe it out

in a bubble I'm not ready to calm down No You know, I'm going to be able to be. Breathing in, breathing out in. Breathing out in a bubble, I'm not ready to come down. people

people are people I'm I'm saying breathing out, I am, I am freaking out. Thank you.